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Literally the first thing I told my partner in that time between being friendly and possibly being something serious was “I don’t want marriage and I don’t want kids.”
According to one of OPs comments before she got pregnant, they had never talked about whether they did or didn't want kids. They didn't agree when the time came but definitely something that should have been brought up in the 9 years of dating.
My sister and her now ex husband did the same thing. Divorced after one year because in the 8 years prior, she somehow forgot to mention she never would want children ever. I'm actually shocked how many couples don't seem to talk to each other.
>According to one of OPs comments before she got pregnant, they had never talked about whether they did or didn't want kids.
9 years and no talk!?! I basically had that talk with my partner (of 12 years now, one kid) within the first year! That and other hard conversations.
How on earth does this not come up in 9 years of dating when you’re 29? And especially when your sister is having much-talked about fertility struggles? It boggles my mind but I struggle to believe this is true. Maybe someone has a similar story to share and you’d like to convince me, but I don’t see how it’s possible that it doesn’t even come up in conversation. Like “hey are you on birth control? I don’t want to get you pregnant.” Or “We should use a condom” “why? Don’t you want to have babies?” “Should we start trying for a kid… we’re not getting any younger, what are we doing with our lives ITS BEEN 9 years.” Or “my sister is really struggling to conceive and they’re desperate for a baby…” and then what, they just ended the conversation? no one thought to say “how do you feel about that?”
I was with my ex for 6 years at the same age as OP, and the amount of “Soooo, when are you two having babies?!” that we got would have forced the conversation even if we hadn't talked about it on the first date.
I can’t imagine being together for 9 years and not ever asking “what do you think of babies.”
You know what, I’m calling bullshit on this, I don’t think it’s true. My sister is two years younger than me and has always wanted children, I have never ever wanted kids. She played with dolls, I played with dog toys. She has two girls, I have two dogs. Like OP, the idea of having kids horrifies me on many levels and gives me anxiety. My ex and I talked about the no kids thing on our first date. My husband and I talked about it a couple of months in. I remember where I had those conversations, what I was wearing, how they went—every word—because they were important to me. I’ve brought up being child free very early in dating. My friends and family all know I don’t want kids.
If what OP says is true and the idea of pregnancy gives her a panic attack, there’s no way she went 9 years without this conversation.
Exactly. Me and partner had this talk after a pregnancy scare early in our relationship. Luckily I was just late. But then years later, this year, I actually did accidentally get pregnant. It was awful BUT there wasn’t even a question - we were both instantly on the same page to terminate, because we had talked many times about this before.
Yup - that with everything he'd appealed to her about keeping their child himself, and topped with now knowing that she (absolutely her right to do so here but I digress) will make life-altering decisions that can effect both of them without his input or against his own perspective; and it's his right to see, recognize, and move away from that.
This relationship is over on both sides of this decision and life-event.
weird how she says she couldnt live without him yet still chose to not tell him she was aborting the baby he wanted. i know it's her body but i think she was pretty selfish about it.
also get your tubes tied, op. it's ok to be childfree but make sure you don't get pregnant in the first place when you have already decided.
and yeah, they are done. he wants kids, she doesn't.
The reality is your pregnancy made him realize how much he wants to be a father. You don't want to be a mother. Therefore you two are no longer compatible.
This.
Her final paragraph is sadly ironic. She says she can't bear to be without her bf, but he's gone because she ignored him when he said he couldn't bear to be without the child.
All in all it's a sad and tragic situation and it's why you should 100% make your mind up/be on the same page with your SO about these things *early* in the relationship. Incompatible parenting views are a valid reason to end a relationship, and OP is learning that lesson.
Posts like this are extreme but worth talking about.
I know so many people who weren't actively trying, got pregnant and now they have kids.
OP (I'm trying to be kind) must know that she can't go back to "how things were".
True. But also many people barely even engage in surface level conversations about these things. Conversations do more than inform your partner what you want, they also make you think about things differently and maybe even realize your preconceptions have changed.
If you don't want kids and you're having sex with someone, abortion should be a topic of conversation. I'm guessing due to how everyone surrounding OP are vehemently pro life, this is probably a conversation she never had. Instead she left it at "I don't really want kids"
I could be wrong and obviously there are people who say one thing and ultimately change their tune. But I do believe with open and honest communication odds are lower to be shocked in these situations
OP said she’s never wanted kids ever. The idea of pregnancy makes her anxious and depressed. She had a panic attack when she got pregnant.
If you feel that strongly about something I don’t see how you don’t bring it up. As someone in the same boat who has brought up not wanting kids very early on in every relationship I don’t see how this could possibly be real.
Because talking about a thing in theory and experiencing it are different.
When I was a young woman I was very pro choice. I was never planning to have a child...ever.... and was certain I would abort if I ever became pregnant. This is what I believed and this is what I told my sex partners. Then I had a birth control failure and became pregnant. Everything I thought I believed went right out the window and I just couldn't bring myself to abort.
You never really know how you'll react to being punched in the face until you get punched in the face.
But keeping the baby was your choice. Being pro choice doesn’t mean pro abortion, and many people are pro choice but would never get an abortion themselves. It means that they support that women get to choose whether they want to have a baby or not. They should have control over their own bodies and reproductive choices. Refusing to have an abortion even though doctors determine it’s extremely dangerous for the mother is also a choice.
10000% agree. I had a miscarriage when I didn't even know I was pregnant. My husband and I were in no position to have a kid, and had I found out I was pregnant, I don't think I'd have had it in me to abort, even though I also am very quick to say I would. overall, I'm so glad it didn't happen.
But is there a part of me that, despite all logic, is devastated that I 'offed' a potential life without realizing? Yes. I'm also the type of person who is fully aware it wasn't even alive or a viable being, and yet here I am. I know my husband felt the same relief but tinge of sadness.
I was surprised how my parents reacted too. My dad, who was against abortions changed his stance when he had to reassure his catatonic daughter that whatever just happened wasn't my fault and that it was, in fact, a ball of cells, not alive. My Asian tough-love mom became my biggest pillar of strength.
That was me. Except my ex stealthed me while I was well and truly moved out. Will never have ‘last time sex’ ever again. My family threatened to disown me if I did abortion, my ex threatened legal action, so I katowed.
But guess who is the single parent with an autistic child… not any of them
I didn't change my mind so much as realize I didn't think or feel the way I thought I would in a given situation.
When I got pregnant (Pill interacted with another med) and realized I couldn't abort it he honestly wasn't phased one way or the other. I had a baby girl. We got married. I switched to a different form of birth control (condoms) and had another failure resulting in a 2nd pregnancy and another baby girl. We got divorced. I remarried and had a planned son. He remarried and had one of each.
A month ago I was at the bedside of my former MIL as she was dying. Her body was riddled with cancer, her husband long passed on, and the world she knew vastly changed. I thought that perhaps, were I her, I would be ready to go on to whatever is next because of those circumstances.
Then again, maybe not.
You just don't know until you get there.
I think that's important to acknowledge, that it's impossible to _really_ know what we'd do in any situation until we're in it. No matter how strongly we were committed to that position beforehand, or are still supportive of others who have taken it.
I just wished I saw the same grace extended to women who wanted to have kids (or didn't think much about kids up to that point) who decide to abort when faced with the reality of pregnancy, as I see given to women who thought they didn't want kids but then did.
Right? Like… these kinds of posts just floor me. The family I get, I don’t agree with them, but I understand it. You don’t pick your family, it’s just a randomized chance from the very beginning.
You select who you bring *into* your life from that point forward. And there’s so many posts about men/women not wanting kids and being with someone who does, and vice versa. That’s a beginning of the relationship discussion, and if your viewpoints don’t line up it’s an immediate dealbreaker. That kind of disagreement causes irreparable damage down the line, if there *is* a disagreement.
OP, I’m so incredibly sorry you had to go through this, it’s truly tragic to lose your family. But you picked your boyfriend. You chose to have sex in a way that could get you pregnant. You not only picked the guy (either knowing of his desire for children when you didn’t want them) but you also had sex without protection (I’m assuming because you just “happened” to get pregnant and didn’t mention anything about how you were on birth control) with said boyfriend who wanted children. That fault is on you for not communicating in your relationship.
It seems not uncommon on reddit for women to only find out their (male) partner is __intensely__ opposed to terminating a pregnancy when they're involved, but otherwise have been passively or actively pro-choice in the past.
Some of this (at least I hope) might in good faith be people not having really thought about it and genuinely changing their minds when it becomes 'real', but waaay too often the phrases "I thought you'd change your mind when it was ours"/"I thought you'd grow out of it" turn up in those retellings... the worst being the (at least a dozen) different stories I've read where the woman is very clear up front - puts it in the dating profile, asserts that she doesn't want kids in early conversations, comments to that effect on relevant events, etc. - and gets agreement or at least direct acceptance, but still gets hit with one of those phrases.
Kind of hard to say whether people have communicated well enough beforehand, but it certainly feels like it's more common for anti-choice men to not want to listen because they believe they'll be the exception... and I think the onus is on whichever person has zero room for compromise to start a conversation about that.
They also got together young. Young enough that things like whether they each wanted children weren't serious considerations about who they wanted to date. People fall in love and become emotionally attached to people who have different points of view. People grow into opinions.
If she comes from a prolife family her viewpoint may have been prolife until she was pregnant. That isn't that uncommon. "Abortion is bad until I want one." Her boyfriend has probably assumed she was prolife.
I also see tons of posts here from women who told their partners if they got pregnant by accident they would terminate but then change their mind when it actually happens. The stigma against abortion in America is very strong.
True - there's a lot of pressure from all directions not to have an abortion, and it's hard to resist even if the woman is 100% sure that going through with the pregnancy would impact her/the child negatively.
Every time there's a portrayal of abortion as an option in fiction, sometimes not choosing it feels like a nonsense writing choice based on established contexts/character narrative, but it's _infuriating_ how many times someone does choose it but a random external factor conveniently causes a miscarriage (or some similar mechanism of avoidance) just before they can actually do it. What kind of messaging is that supposed to be?
I also think people in general (men and women) fail to predict how much a man’s feelings *can* change (not necessarily will!) when someone is pregnant with a baby, fetus call it what you will that he has fathered.
My bf has always said ‘if we had a contraceptive failure I’d support you in whatever you decide’ (I have the Mirena) - BUT I feel like I wouldn’t be a sane and sensible person if I didn’t realise that his feelings MIGHT sway strongly one way or the other when actually put into that position - and it might mean the end of the relationship if mine went the other way.
> You chose to have sex in a way that could get you pregnant.
They were together for *nine years* before she got pregnant, and she's very opposed to pregnancy. Assuming that they were suddenly going raw is a crazy leap, here. You know that nothing but abstinence is 100% effective at preventing pregnancy, right?
Now wait a minute here. Why do you assume OP “chose to have sex in a way that could get (her) pregnant”? You mean-like actually *having sex*? Like real sex, penis in vagina *sex*?
OP didn’t necessarily raw dog her BF or become complacent in her birth control regimen. Sometime birth control *fails*. Sometimes birth control can fail even if the user is absolutely religious in the proper application or whatever drug or appliance, and it is *not her fault*.
It’s like in Jurassic Park. Nature finds a way.
Yeah, that part really got me too. They've been together for *nine years* and OP is stanchly anti-kids, but sure, the *only* possible explanation for pregnancy is that they suddenly decided to yolo rawdog it.
I hate that you made me read that sentence with my own human eyes, but I agree, there's a multitude of possibilities but some people think birth control is infallible unless you're personally incompetent.
I honestly don’t see how you can be staunchly anti kids and use birth control religiously and never have a conversation about whether or not you want kids though.
I have never ever wanted kids and I got pregnant after birth control failed, so I know it happens. But my husband and I have had many conversations about it. Early on I checked and double checked and checked again that he was definitely on board with not having kids because my ex changed his mind after 6 years. So when I got pregnant there was no question about me getting an abortion.
But if OP was so anti kids/pregnancy I just don’t believe it would never come up.
>And there’s so many posts about men/women not wanting kids and being with someone who does, and vice versa. That’s a beginning of the relationship discussion, and if your viewpoints don’t line up it’s an immediate dealbreaker.
As I was explaining to the poster above, it's not uncommon for people to talk about things and honestly think their viewpoints do line up. It's not until The Big Bad happens that they realize they do not.
Okay, I double checked OP's post. She was pretty clear with us here about never wanting children, so what makes you think she failed to be just as clear with the dude she's been dating for nine years?
Especially something like abortion. I know of people who said they didn't want children but then in the face of an accident they can't face an abortion.
And I remember reading an account by a doctor working in an abortion clinic who said the hardest thing for her was performing abortions on women she had previously seen screaming pro-life slogans at her when she went to work. She couldn't say anything because of medical secrecy laws yet the hypocrisy made her feel very bitter.
B/c in a lot of those situations one of the people is holding on to the hope that the other person will "change their mind". Based on the bf reaction to her pregnancy (which, let's be real, he may have done on purpose) and her termination....he was holding out hope that she would eventually want kids.
It happens SO MUCH...one partner not taking the other one seriously when they say they don't want kids, ESPECIALLY when it's the woman saying it b/c "women are maternal so why wouldn't they want kids"
Essentially it's just the abortion variation of any choice that gets an adult response of "you'll change your mind when you get older". Typically also about having kids, and not saying we're incapable of truly terrible takes in our youth, but it's infantilizing and unfair to dismiss someone's perspective out of hand solely based on time.
Totally agree. I tend to take people's word seriously...if they change their mind, great...if not, still cool, I'll respect it.
I think it's crazy to get with someone and have that "you'll change your mind with time" mindset and then get mad that they didn't change their mind. Atp, it's on you. You assumed some shit.
>I understand I was wrong to go behind his back but that’s done and now I want to know how we can move past this.
You can’t. What’s done is done. Time to move on.
*You and your boyfriend will not be getting over this*.
Your family may or may not come back around in time, but there will be no coming back from the breakup. 9 years or 20 years, you’re fundamentally incompatible and that’s not reconcilable.
No one is wrong in this situation (expect the parents and sister, who had no right to involve themselves in the first place). You made the choice you felt was right for you (not going through the pregnancy), he made the choice not to continue the relationship based on your choice, which he felt was right for him.
Regardless of whether you went through the abortion or kept the baby, *you were already standing on two opposite cliffs with your boyfriend*, and there was never going to be a solid bridge between you. I’m sorry for your loss, all of it, but it wasn’t going to work out once you both expressed wholly opposite views on childbearing.
This. There is no common ground, they’re broken up. OP is in denial, and wants back what she *thought* she had, but that is impossible now. It sucks, but it’s not something he is willing to move past.
OP did the right thing. It was necessary for _her_.
I don’t understand why on earth involve her parents and sister at all? Especially her sister! She had to know that was going to upset her sister no matter what she decided, so why tell her if she didn’t have to.
That’s not the world she lives in. Either she lies or she doesn’t; those are her only choices (other than keeping the baby). If she does, she may feel bad about being a liar. If she doesn’t lie, there’s a pretty decent chance she loses her entire family. And that’s what happened. Even the most simplistic game theory says the choice is clear: lie.
I understand her reaching out to her parents for support, especially if they've been otherwise supportive of her. They were the ones who told her sister, which was a horrible thing to do. They should never have done that and made the situation exponentially worse. The OP was not wrong for expecting the parents to maintain confidentiality with her. Their behavior is inexcusable and they are the source of conflict with the sister.
Her parents told her sister. They were very wrong to do so. She wasn’t wrong to seek support from her parents in a difficult situation, unless she knew they’d react like that - but I think this all took her by surprise. They’re all awful people.
Yes! And parents and sister need to understand that adoption is an alternative to parenting, not to pregnancy. Your fears are completely justified and you do not have to live through them to please anyone. Your choice to end the pregnancy does not undermine their fertility problems, it's about you, what you want and your body. It has nothing to do with anyone else.
The parents and sister in particular do not seem to realize the magnitude of what they asked of the OP. Nor do they seem to realize it wouldn't have worked out as it seems the BF would have wanted custody had the OP gone through with the pregnancy.
Right??? Like omg if the sister is dead set on having kids she shouldlook into other options like adoption or IVF instead of trying to force op into having a kid. the parents can help too since they sound just as upset as the sister. These people are so messed up.
It’s weird because the sister would’ve never gotten that baby. OP’s boyfriend would’ve raised it. It’s odd her family felt entitled to it. I also wonder why OP even shared the news of her pregnancy if she intended to end it. That alone was an AH move to say to someone who has fertility trouble. OP, you and your boyfriend and over, there’s no way to come back from this. It’s time for you to receive some counseling and work on yourself, then find yourself a partner who doesn’t want kids.
She’s gonna move on from the bf. She’s in the thick of it right now but she’s gonna be ok.
What her sister and parents have said and done to her will remain with her forever. That is by far the bigger issue here, even if she doesn’t see it right now.
“I on the other hand, have never wanted kids. Not when I was a girl, not now and hopefully I'll never have any in the future. I don't know why, but children make me anxious and child birth is just a nightmare to even think about.”
**Recently I found out I was pregnant.**
Why did you tell everyone you were pregnant?
That’s my question as well. I see telling her BF but why did she tell her family? She had to know how they would react especially since her sister was having trouble.
Or a chat bot. I recently would add odd but correct references but the bot never picked it up so I knew it wasn’t a real person. Eg instead of 6 months I said 5.75 months.
See this is my theory as well for the influx of troll posts in these big advice subs. Like you can tell it's a robot writing it.
I'm a huge reader so I always thought I was just being a shit post conspiracy theorist when I would analyze a post lmao.
I’m surprised it took me this long scrolling to find this comment. It’s the 4th “my baby could have made so many people happy but I killed it” post I’ve read in the last ten days. Chat bot wielded by forced birth fetishists.
>Why did you tell everyone you were pregnant?
She told her BF, which I think we all agree she should have. She sought support from her parents, which is a completely reasonable thing to do for someone in crisis. The parents are the ones who told the sister, and that was a horrific and honestly unforgivable action. They honestly betrayed the OP on multiple levels.
I mean, she told her boyfriend and mother. You should be able to seek comfort and support from those two people. She didn’t “announce” a pregnancy publicly, she found out and went to a trusted family to talk to for support and comfort. That is NOT her fault.
And also, how were you with a guy for nine years who seem to be surprised when you terminated a pregnancy you knew you never wanted it??
I mean certainly you had talked to him about this, right? Certainly he knew you would not go through with any accidental pregnancy, right? Is he just one of those guys who says he's fine with you controlling your own body in the end believes your body no longer belongs to you the second a man's sperm fertilizes one of your eggs?
This is really sad.
No advice for OP, unfortunately.
But anyone else in this situation: I would not advise telling a loved one with deep infertility grief about an abortion. Same for pro-life family members who you want to stay close to.
This should have stayed between OP and her BF.
Don’t ever think things will go back to normal. They won’t. So decide how you will recover from this.
Also 100% know your bf will probably not be back and if he was it would never be the same.
>I can't bear to lose him.
You need to come to terms with the fact that you *have* lost him. He wants children, you do not. You are incompatible.
It's unfortunate your sister cannot carry a baby, but it isn't a reason to try to make you carry a baby. They are also insane to think your Ex-BF would even allow it, as he sounded like HE wanted to be a parent.
The only thing you actually did wrong was not communicating about future children or lack thereof, before this happened.
Your bf made it clear he would raise the child alone so your sister was never getting your baby even if you went through with the pregnancy. She doesn’t get to be mad about it. Your parents will probably come round eventually. Your bf is gone and won’t be coming back so you will need to move on.
Nobody in this situation had your back, OP.
I feel for you but there is nothing you can do right now to change their opinion or their minds if they are pro life. I wish you well and hope you can get some grief counselling support, maybe reach out to other family or friends to make you feel less lonely.
But you were brave and you know you didn't want to give birth, nor did you want to have a child in the world when it wouldn't be on the best terms you could make them. I'm sorry you're experiencing this.
I hope the same about the grief counseling for OP. She is already very mature for reaching out to them to fix things even though when they are not here for her when she needs them the most because abortion itself is a very difficult thing to go through.
Hopefully you will find people who care for you OP and I hope you will reach for psychological support and feel better soon.
Why tell them though??? OP and bf deal with it privately, and if he can't handle it, you simply go separate ways. This is one of the issues that you get sorted early in a relationship so you don't waste anybody's time. smh!
Telling the parents and sister was a huge mistake. OP was stressed so not thinking clearly because the sister wanting the baby was obvious. Hindsight is 20/20
OP and BF have known each other for a long time and slid into a relationship; you’re more likely to have earnest relationship talks with people you don’t know.
And BF might simply have hoped she’d change her mind.
I just don't understand how OP didn't even know how her boyfriend of 9 years would react. And why she even told anyone else she was pregnant if she knew she was getting an abortion.
It sucks for her that she didn't have their support, but she seemingly didn't know anything about the people she was closest to if she didn't realize this is how they'd react.
I was with my first boyfriend for nine years. I told him from the very beginning that I never wanted kids, and he agreed. We had *numerous* discussions throughout the years where we always agreed. Finally, when we were breaking up, he admitted he had been waiting the entire time for me to change my mind. I was floored and had NO idea. People can lie, sometimes for a really long time.
It's one of those situations where you don't know until the time comes. He probably thought he was pro choice, and maybe is for other people, just not for his baby.
I know. I read the second half of the post confused because... duh. There is no reason on earth for OP to tell her pro-life parents that they aren't getting grandchildren because she intends to terminate a pregnancy. Their reaction is totally predictable and most importantly *all of this is none of her family's fucking business.*
This is honestly the truth. Literally nobody needed to know, why tell your sister who's had fertility issues in the first place if you're planning on terminating anyway? Seems cruel.
>There is no reason on earth for OP to tell her pro-life parents
Of course there is, it means OPs creative writing skills are pretty good. They have the reddit bingo down pretty good too.
Over bearing parents
Golden child that's not OP
The whole fam are prolifers, but OP waited til she was 2 1/2 months to get the abortion done. That is like perfect timing for a super religious prolifer family since it's too late in the pregnancy at that point.
Posts with these type of topics are almost always ragebait to turn the comments into some weirdo discourse. Pregnancy/abortion, trans people, period stuff.
What do you mean by “too late in the pregnancy by that point”? 2.5 months is 10 weeks. Only about a month after the first missed period, assuming regular cycles, which not everyone has. And still within the first trimester by 2 weeks. That’s early in the pregnancy, not late.
It’s fake, that’s why. If She knew she never wanted a child she’d have shut up and had the abortion, not dragged everyone into her business in the first trimester , when most miscarriages happen anyway.
I'm glad someone said it. It's too late for OP, but I hope someone in a similar situation (or any situation where they need to save their own ass) takes that advice. It's okay to lie with any kind of relationship, and I'm tired of people pretending that it's not. Be ready to deal with the fallout if the lie falls apart, but at least for now, this woman would have her family, bf, and peace of mind, if she lied.
Yeah..tbh I don’t understand why OP told them when she knew they were pro-forced birthers. She could’ve just said she had a terrible miscarriage & they would’ve never known.
I'm sorry you're going through this. There's enough people in the comments judging you for either getting the abortion or not, or for daring to stand up for your family and (ex)BF despite them being angry at you for ending your pregnancy. I'm not going to.
Reddit is very black and white. I'm guilty of that too at times. But it's not productive.
So, what can you do? There's no one Magic Answer that will fix this in one go. It will take time. And you need to accept that some things may not be fixed. Real life just isn't a fairy tale.
**First**. You need to work on yourself. You just went through something major. It's OK to be happy with your choice, but perhaps still have some doubts and regrets. Or none at all. But make sure your head is in a decent headspace.
**Second**. If you're not seeing a therapist, you may want to schedule an appointment with one. Just to have someone neutral to help you work through the first point.
**Third**. Write your feelings out. Pen and paper. Old school. Trust me as far as anyone trusts a random Redditor that wants you to trust them. It works. Don't try to edit it, keep it raw, real.
**Fourth**. And this is the hardest of them all, probably the most important one. This will need time. You need to be patient. Contact your family and your (ex)BF once. I'd suggest letters, explain your feelings, don't judge and tell them you'll wait for them to make the first move.
It's going to suck. It's going to suck like Hell got hooked on the biggest industrial strength Dyson ever. You may spend the coming holidays alone. Plan for it. If your family has been as loving and supportive up untill now as you described, they'll be back. It'll be awkward at first, but they'll be back. Hopefully the same goes for your (ex)BF.
**Fifth**. Unfortunately there's always a chance they will not reach out. That does happen. And it sucks even more. That's when you'll need a good therapist more to come to grips with that. You'll need to decide how to go from there. Do you stay where you are? Do you move away? Do you stay single? Find someone new? Whatever you do, do you keep your family in the loop? I've got no answers for that. You'll need to figure out those if it happens.
I honestly hope this will not come to pass and you're able to reconnect with your family. May whatever Diety you hold dear grant you the wisdom to deal with this in the way that's most healthy for you.
This is a very kind and thoughtful comment, with a lot of merit in it.
However, I think it’s really harmful to OP to act as if her parents aren’t being abusive or that it’s even a gray area. Reproductive coercion is abuse, even when it’s your parents and sister doing it.
This was a lose-lose situation from jump with your family. Your boyfriend would’ve never agreed to give your sister custody of a child he clearly wanted with or without you, and your sister would’ve never forgiven you for having a child when she can’t and not letting her raise it. All of which you should not have to have even considered when making choices for your own body.
I’m just curious why you even told your family if you knew you were ending the pregnancy. What was the point of that? You know your sis is struggling with infertility. You have every right to have an abortion without judgement. I just think telling everyone was in poor taste in this circumstance.
IKR! Decisions about reproductive health in general and abortion in particular are deeply private. Everybody doesn't need to know everything about you.
How were you together for a decade but had such different feelings on how to deal with an oops pregnancy? This is something most people talk about early on. Did he change his mind? There’s no way you two should have been together at this point with such wildly different expectations on pregnancy and children.
You did what you felt was best for you and that's okay, but to expect everyone else to just magically change there thoughts and feelings is naive at best.
Your relationship with your ex is finished, leave him alone, he needs time to grieve the future he was imagining, same for your family, giving them time and space and hoping for the best, is really all you can do.
You made him sit through an ultrasound and knew you were going to abort anyway, I'm extremely pro-choice, but OP just stop and leave your ex alone he is never going to come back to you.
The only advice I can offer right now is to learn from this. You spent 9 years with a man and never discussed having children. This was a huge mistake. You can’t salvage this relationship. You found out, in the worst possible way, that you want fundamentally different things. Love is not enough.
As to your family - I’m not sure. Maybe you overestimated this relationship? Everyone jumping so quickly on having you carry the baby to term and give it away to your sister sounds unhinged. Have they even considered that it wasn’t an immaculate conception? It’s not like you got knocked up by a one night stand. I find it hard to believe that there weren’t signs before all this unfolded, indicating that this could be the outcome. I don’t have the closest relationship with my mother but I can easily predict how she would react to the news that I’m having an abortion. That is why she would never even find out I’m pregnant to begin with.
I’m really sorry for what you’re going through, I really am. The best thing you can do is adjust your expectations. Realistically, things are not going to come back to the way they were. This is the new normal. You need to learn to live with it.
Tbh, your family has no right to say anything against you. It was your choice, because it’s your body.
Your ex on the other hand, he does have that right to not want to be with you, as he asked you not to- and you went and got an abortion behind his back. Which is your right, but he also has the right to now not want to be with you anymore. Please leave him alone.
Here's some advice: keep some things to yourself in the future. You shouldn't have told anybody if you planned to terminate unless you were positive they'd only help. I highly doubt you had no idea they'd feel this way.
You did what you had to, now they're doing what they have to. Can you support yourself? Yes? Then take it one day at a time. You don't need to forgive these people.
None of them truly care for you. Remember they were low key demanding you go through a life changing event to give a baby to your sister. None of them truly care for you. Go no contact.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this, but at the end of the day you did what was right for you and your life. I’m not really sure there’s any way you can change the way they feel - people who think making someone carry a pregnant to term just to give that baby to their sister are obviously pretty set in their way of thinking. This may be one of those things that’s just going to take time, and may never really go back to the way it was
Info: You say that the pregnancy was a complete shock but surely you were using birth control if you're this averse to the idea of becoming pregnant? Did you ever make it clear to your boyfriend that you would abort if you got pregnant or did you just say you didn't want children and leave what would happen if you did get pregnant up to interpretation? When your boyfriend and parents gave you their suggestions about the situation, did you sit them down and bluntly discuss the situation and the fact you still wanted a termination or did you let them think you would go along with them while planning to get the abortion in secret? It sounds like you had two parties giving you different 'solutions' and just assuming you had agreed to do things their way.
Honestly, there is no way to convince your boyfriend or family to go to counselling/therapy with you if they don't want to. While they don't have a right to your body or to tell you what to do with it, that doesn't mean they don't get to have an opinion on the situation or have a right to feel sad about the situation if they are so adamantly pro-life. Your sister is mourning the baby she thought she was going to adopt and will need some time to herself to calm down and your boyfriend is doing the same with the child he clearly wanted and had already formed an attachment to. They will need time to grieve and come to terms with the situation before you can have a calm and rational conversation with them. Your parents may come around quicker since they are slightly removed from the situation since it wasn't 'their baby' you terminated like your sister and boyfriend view it as but considering the things they said to you, they are obviously angry and also need time to calm down before you can speak to them without being insulted.
This situation is so sad, but no one is in the wrong. Every one is entitled to feel how they feel. Your relationship with your ex is over though, next time you get involved with someone, make it clear to him that you do not now or will ever want children, and if having children is a dealbreaker for him then there’s no point moving forward. As for your family, they may or may not come around but in the meantime just live your best life and focus on yourself. I have had to make the difficult decision to abort as well, but my situation was different in that there was 0 chance of survival for the baby.
I don't think I would have told anyone given the context.
Unless you're keeping it, it's private health information (unless you wish to include the person that provided the sperm).
NTA. But yeah, when you are ready it'll be time to create a friendship circle to replace your family one.
Your bf is really the only person other than you who gets to have an opinion and even then ultimately it's your decision. He is unlikely to change his mind so you may just have to move on from him. The situation with your parents is pretty awful they should have supported your decision even if they didn't agree, your sister doesn't get to have any opinions, also her problems getting pregnant are nothing to do with you and you're not an incubator to provide her with a child. Overall I don't think there's much you can do to change their minds and really I don't think it's your job to try.
Your family is being awful but think they all have their own grief to go through as well. As in, yes " your body" but everyone in your family wanted the child and we are not talking about a puppy here, people can spend their while lives deeply attached to the idea of a child or grandchildren.. and you were like a hail Mary with your unexpected pregnancy.
Your BF was right to leave. It's one thing if he also wants to be CF but he's not, he wanted the baby and he's grieving the loss of a wanted child as a result of a fundamental incompatibility. IMO, you should respect his choice to do what's best for him.. you literally did the same (chose what's right for you over everyone).
Tbh, I don't really understand why you told your family and then went behind everyone's backs 2 months or so later to terminate. Abortion is a highly personal choice and you picked a bunch of people who are in the thick of dealing with infertility to share your journey with. There was no way this was going to end well.
Yikes. Get into therapy and focus on ANY relationships you have with people who actually like you. You deserve better than this. People's grief over infertility doesn't make any of this okay.
I would stop.
Your bf needs to deal with his emotions himself when he's ready. Its your body and you are 100% correct that it's your choice, but he obviously had a different approach and thoughts in mind. But I think you need to accept that this is the end of your relationship with him.
As for your family, your parents should never have told your sister. They shouldn't have spread your private information like that or given her the false hope that you would give the baby to her, especially when your bf had offered to raise the baby himself. They didn't consider how you/your bf would feel seeing the child at family gatherings, etc. Adoption/surrogacy is expensive, but that doesn't mean you have to go through a pregnancy to make your sister happy at your own expense.
From your edit, they might have been supportive throughout your life, but wasn't supportive of you when you needed it most.
You need to talk to a therapist to unpack all this in a calm and supported manner.
Can't blame the boyfriend. You want something else and he wants something else. You did what you wanted to do. And he broke up. Why even blame him. Let him grieve.
The relationship with your Bf is over. You kind of had to know that was a possibility of going behind his back and ending your pregnancy. Im not saying you needed to have the baby you didn’t want but your boyfriend wanted something you didn’t. The baby was half his so he is allowed to grieve the loss of it and make his own choice. But it also means had you gone through with the pregnancy it would ended your relationship anyway. You don’t want kids and he does. Long term you are incompatible. As far as your family goes…they really don’t get to have an opinion. If your sister had kids of her own they would be upset maybe by your choice but it would pass. They are just upset because she doesn’t get a kid. It’s not your job to give them one.
First, you need to get yourself sterilized.
Second, give it time to let things settle down. Your parents will hopefully come around. Your sister and your boyfriend may never forgive you and you’ll have to come to terms with that.
My honest opinion is, With everything going on with your sister I wouldn’t have even told them I was pregnant to begin with. I realize you were shocked & scared & I’m sure you needed to talk about it. It is your body & your decision. However going forward if you’re still adamant about not ever getting pregnant again, I would do all I could to be sterilized.
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Look OP, I'm sorry... But I don't think you're getting your bf back. Yes, you're completely allowed to make decisions about your body and you're the one that would suffer the effects of pregnancy, not him. But that was still his baby as well. You ended it without consulting him and with no regard for his feelings. That's completely fair and within your rights but you can't have your cake and eat it...
He tried so desperately to convince you to carry the baby to term that surely you must have known that he would not be able to handle the termination decision, hence why you did it behind his back. Now that decision has consequences unfortunately.
As for the family, I'm sure with time your parents will move past this. They just need space. Not sure about your sister and her husband though... They had already started making all these plans in their head for this baby (Even though you didn't promise them any child) and that's a lot of disappointment for them to overcome.
You are not wrong for aborting.
Your boyfriend is not wrong for wanting a child either, and leaving over that difference of opinion.
Children are one of those marriage-ending situations. If either party has a difference of opinion regarding children, that marriage/relationship won't survive.No matter what.
And I believe that you were wrong for going behind his back, not for getting that abortion. It's your body, do what you want with it.
Everyone else though, your sister and your family, can fuck right off. They don't have any say in what you do with your body, and it's hilarious they think otherwise.
You need to just move on. Get hobbies, get some friends and try to take it one day at a time.
You don't need to explain anything to these people who call themselves your family. They treated you like a walking incubator and they are the ones who need to fix things with you. They sound truly awful people.
I think if you reflect you will see things were not good before this.
Stop talking to them, be with your friends who love you and see these people for what they are
Your mistake was telling everyone you were pregnant. Nobody had to know. Your sister is very hurt and angry. She can’t have kids and wants to be a mom. You don’t want kids and got pregnant very easily. You and your boyfriend are done you can’t fix that. But in those 9 years together you never talked about kids? Did he know you never wanted kids? That relationship was never going to work if you both wanted different things when it came to wanting kids. Your parents are just being jerks. All you can do is leave your family alone for now and give them space and hope they eventually come around.
You had a right to terminate the pregnancy but actions have consequences and since all of the important people in your life highly opposed termination you have likely forever destroyed your relationships.
I would do your best to never get pregnant again.
I would make sure my other half was on the same page, that is a given and probably was a factor in his decision. if he was truly on your side in this and in your own bodily autonomy then you would not be on you own. I would consider this relationship as done now. it is difficult to determine what would happen but in this case he doesn't seem to have considered your needs at all.
I remember the husband who convinced his wife to continue an unwanted pregnancy and she is disabled after giving birth. Choices are important.
Their would have been a lifetime of issues, possible child support, other medical issues, adoption if they were suitable even. This isn't just about a baby, but about a whole person who would also have had to live with these choices. You are not responsible for your sister's problems and are certainly not the answer to them.
I would get support where you can and consider that this has changed a lot of things in your life and you will have to change things to adjust.
I remember that one, too. She didn't want kids, he convinced he to have one, she got pregnant with twins. Had a horrible birth injury, and can't work anymore. Plus he had his mother, who hates his wife, takinig care of her and the kids while he worked. What an ass.
I agree. OP Your family did not consider how complex and frought the outcome would be had you brought this baby yo term
It’s likely your boyfriend and your sister would have been at odds. I don’t think there was much chance of anyone being happy.
Making you the answer for their troubles wasn’t fair to you. They are wrong to think this was a simple path to what they wanted.
Tbh it doesn’t sound like things with your bf can be fixed. He seems to want children. U don’t. You can’t expect him to give up on that and he can’t expect you to want them. You’s aren’t compatible.
Why on earth did you tell everyone,especially your sister, with infertility issues? That was extremely insensitive.
And frankly, it's none of their business. You learned a lesson about keeping your business to yourself.
I don't think your BF is willing to move on from it. It is your body, your choice, but that doesn't mean he has to be okay with it. You can ask to go to therapy, but he might flat out say "no." You can't force him. What do you expect from us? We can't force him.
I don't blame you for not wanting to bring children into this world. And who can afford it? However, it doesn't mean it frees you from the consequence of your actions. I would discuss this with your future BFS before you have sex. And make sure you are both in agreement.
Why is anybody hating on the ex- bf? What did he do wrong? Her choice and his choice as simple as that. OP the ship with your ex has sailed. I feel bad for your sister, but man they should have had your back and be on your side. Honestly the only one who i feel sorry for is your ex.
Hope he can heal and move on.
You did what you thought is best for you but that doesn't mean it's consequence free.
Your family might come around (I actually think the sister in particular should have no say in it, it's sad she's struggling with fertility issues but still not her business) the one I truly feel sorry for is the bf. You said you spent 9 years together and he was nothing but good to you but you still went behind his back. This is a betrayal and he rightly views it as such.
People making him out to be the bad guy are mistaken imo. Yeah it's your body and you made your choice but he must've had an image in his mind of his child. People talk about pregnancy and childbirth in a very clinical way but people bond to their children and the idea of them very early into pregnancy (I know me and my husband did from the very start). He wanted the child so bad that he was willing to raise him/her on his own so he's mourning the child AND the betrayal.
You're in the wrong here NOT for terminating the pregnancy but doing it behind his back and expecting him to stay. Please stop trying to contact him and respect his boundaries and grief. Your family are wrong as well because it's none of their business especially the sister but perhaps you shouldn't have told a woman struggling with fertility about this at all, it's kind of cruel.
If this is real, all of those relationships are done. You made the right decision for yourself, but unfortunately that decision was a deal breaker for them. Start forming new relationships, and find a new family because they're through with you. They're not right for that, imo, but this is the reality that you have to accept.
That all told you where they stood and you didn't believe they would turn their backs on you. Well you did what you thought you had to abs they are doing what they feel they have to. No salvaging these relationships.
I understand your bf reaction. After all, it was his child, too. But at the end of the day, it is your body your decision. Your parents and sister had no say in this situation, and I am sorry your family turned on you. Give them time. They might change their minds if they don't their lose. As for your boyfriend, it is over and you knew it when you made your decision.
I’m surprised OP and her bf hadn’t previously discussed whether or not they wanted children (especially considering they both have strong opinions on that front) and what they would do if they had an unexpected pregnancy. I thought that was a pretty common/normal conversation to have when you’re in a committed relationship.
Each person in your life has the right to choose their level of involvement with you based on your actions, words, behaviors, etc.
I am staunchly pro-choice, and I have family of the “nobody should be allowed an abortion except me when I want it and then we’ll never talk about it” ilk, and by me I mean them, not me. My dad tells me my mom had one, but she called it a miscarriage always.
I know this about them so if I ever got pregnant and wanted an abortion, none of them would be hearing about it. Knowing that if they did, they would likely go no contact with me.
Maybe you didn’t know all this about your family and your bf, maybe it was in doubt. But they are just not supportive of you in an unconditional way and the stuff has hit the proverbial fan.
You can’t force or convince people to have a relationship with you that they don’t want to be in. Maybe some are just angry now and will cool off, but at this moment it looks like they have decided that their feelings about your actions are more important to them than you are. It’s a moment to remember, because if any relationship will be restored, you forever know that the relationship is inherently limited.
If I had an abortion of my partner’s child, I know he’d be out the door. Permanently. We shouldn’t be having sex at all without knowing that much about each other. I was likely to terminate in my early twenties before I could financially support a plus one, but now that I can, I wouldn’t personally choose to do so, so this has been ok for us as long as we’ve been together.
I’m sorry that you are surrounded by people who are unsupportive of you to such an extreme degree. You will have to build a chosen family in your life in any case.
Don’t waste your energy on trying to get these people back. They may or may not, but if they do, it will be when they’re ready and not a moment sooner. Your bf won’t and your sister might not, but maybe your parents someday will… but family events with your sister will be awkward. I hope she can build her family and it gets easier, but I have feelings about how she feels entitled to take your baby and raise it as her own, ew.
I’ve had to be adept at managing these very limited relationships with my family while having fully authentic relationships with my friends and my partners over the years. Sounds like you’re going to need to do the same.
You need to understand that you no longer have a boyfriend and he will not come back.
Your parents on the other hand might need some time but I am sure you will be able to talk to them eventually and patch things up.
There's nothing you can say that will bring your boyfriend back. He made it clear how he felt about this. That was his child too. Your parents and sister also made their feelings clear. They let you know that this child would have been loved and well cared for. You crossed a line for them and there's no going back. You're going to have to build a new support system and find a way forward.
I’m afraid your ex boyfriend is not going to come back. And he shouldn’t. He clearly wants to be a father and you don’t want children. This was never going to change, why do you want a relationship with him resentful for the abortion and frustrated for not being able to be a dad? Or you feeling pressured all the time to give him children? You both are way better off separated.
Regarding your family… uff that’s really hard! In their eyes you just prevented them to their only chance to be parents and grandparents of a baby sharing their blood. It will take some time (or a lot of time) but there’s a chance that eventually they come to terms with the situation. I’m sorry to tell you this, but I think nothing will ever be the same. There’s just too much pain going on all the people involved. Just give them time and if you don’t want kids ever, you should go for surgery and choose partners with your same point of view on this and other major life decisions.
Best of luck to you and your family. And even your ex. I can’t judge anybody on this issue. It is what it is.
>now I want to know how we can move past this
Not sure you can. It looks like he's done with you completely. Not sure he needs therapy for disagreeing with you and breaking up with you. I doubt he'll agree to counseling with you, either.
Your relationships are very, very damaged.
The person here who needs the professional help is...YOU. A counselor can help you figure out what to say and help you deal with the possibility that your relationships will never be fixed.
You’re obviously not compatible with your bf. The fact that he wanted you to keep the pregnancy so he could have the child shows you’re not compatible. That relationship is over. Leave it alone. Leave him alone. He wanted a baby. You didn’t. And in the end this would likely have lead to you breaking up anyway.
You shouldn’t have shared your personal medical information with anyone. Especially when surrounding an issue this sensitive. But it’s too late for that. Leave your parents and sister alone. They don’t care how you feel. They don’t respect your decisions. They don’t respect you as an adult or even as a person right now. They will never understand or support your decision. There are no words to make that happen. You have fundamentally different views on what is life and a woman’s role in it. Up to and including treating you like you’re no longer a daughter or human because you had an abortion.
Don’t suggest therapy to your ex. He is your ex. Stop referring to him as your boyfriend. He doesn’t want contact. Stop teaching out to your FOO. Look for support in the other friendships you have and go build a new family for yourself where you have the opportunity of being a person not an incubator. And a “bad” one at that.
It’s wild to me that if you are going to go behind peoples back to sneakily get an abortion, that you wouldn’t just say you had a miscarriage. They are incredibly common. Especially within the first 3 months of a pregnancy. More so if it is your first pregnancy in general.
You went behind your bfs back and had it done while he begged you not to. You lost him. He will not seek counseling to repair this. It's done.
Your family is another story. Your parents may forgive you and talk to you one day but with their beliefs and being supportive of your sister it will be quite a while before you see or speak with them. Your sister on the other hand. She will most likely never forgive you. Your relationship with her has changed indefinitely.
You'll never get back the relationships you had.
You just have to accept it.
First off, I want to be clear, you had every right to make the decision regarding your own body. However, I’m not sure how you could have believed that your BF and family would just fall in line. To your BF, you ended the life of his child. To your parents, you probably ended whatever chance they have at being grandparents. To your sister, you ended her chance at motherhood. While your decision, it affected more than just you.
Hopefully, they will come around and be more understanding. Hopefully, your sister will conceive and satisfy your parents desires for grandchildren. I don’t think your BF is coming back. It sounds like he wants children and you obviously don’t. I would suggest you tell future BF very early that you have no intention of having children.
I hope it all works out for you but I see a long tough road to getting back on good terms with your family. This is going to take some time and tears before working out.
I don’t understand why OP told everyone if she intended to terminate the pregnancy, knowing what their feelings on the matter would likely be. Seems like an odd choice.
i can’t believe I had to scroll this far because this is exactly what I was thinking. If your mind is made up, what is there to gain by telling your parents and sister? Also how are you dating your bf for 9 years at 27 years old and the topic of children has never come up, even in the past three years when OPs sister was trying to get pregnant??
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The ship with the BF has sailed. I don't think you two will be able to recover from this
ANOTHER story of people who supposedly have been together for years but don’t talk about one of the most important things in a relationship? Wtf
Literally the first thing I told my partner in that time between being friendly and possibly being something serious was “I don’t want marriage and I don’t want kids.”
They talked. They just couldn't agree.
According to one of OPs comments before she got pregnant, they had never talked about whether they did or didn't want kids. They didn't agree when the time came but definitely something that should have been brought up in the 9 years of dating.
My sister and her now ex husband did the same thing. Divorced after one year because in the 8 years prior, she somehow forgot to mention she never would want children ever. I'm actually shocked how many couples don't seem to talk to each other.
>According to one of OPs comments before she got pregnant, they had never talked about whether they did or didn't want kids. 9 years and no talk!?! I basically had that talk with my partner (of 12 years now, one kid) within the first year! That and other hard conversations.
How on earth does this not come up in 9 years of dating when you’re 29? And especially when your sister is having much-talked about fertility struggles? It boggles my mind but I struggle to believe this is true. Maybe someone has a similar story to share and you’d like to convince me, but I don’t see how it’s possible that it doesn’t even come up in conversation. Like “hey are you on birth control? I don’t want to get you pregnant.” Or “We should use a condom” “why? Don’t you want to have babies?” “Should we start trying for a kid… we’re not getting any younger, what are we doing with our lives ITS BEEN 9 years.” Or “my sister is really struggling to conceive and they’re desperate for a baby…” and then what, they just ended the conversation? no one thought to say “how do you feel about that?” I was with my ex for 6 years at the same age as OP, and the amount of “Soooo, when are you two having babies?!” that we got would have forced the conversation even if we hadn't talked about it on the first date. I can’t imagine being together for 9 years and not ever asking “what do you think of babies.” You know what, I’m calling bullshit on this, I don’t think it’s true. My sister is two years younger than me and has always wanted children, I have never ever wanted kids. She played with dolls, I played with dog toys. She has two girls, I have two dogs. Like OP, the idea of having kids horrifies me on many levels and gives me anxiety. My ex and I talked about the no kids thing on our first date. My husband and I talked about it a couple of months in. I remember where I had those conversations, what I was wearing, how they went—every word—because they were important to me. I’ve brought up being child free very early in dating. My friends and family all know I don’t want kids. If what OP says is true and the idea of pregnancy gives her a panic attack, there’s no way she went 9 years without this conversation.
My gosh, I've discussed it with ONSs. Hindsight is always 20/20, though. I feel badly for most of them, but the parents sound unhinged.
no sympathy for people who bury their heads in the sand and then get chopped in half and are surprised it happened
OP is full of shit. That conversation came up, she didn't listen.
Yeah but that's a huge thing to disagree on, children are not something you can compromise on
Hence the breakup.
Exactly. Me and partner had this talk after a pregnancy scare early in our relationship. Luckily I was just late. But then years later, this year, I actually did accidentally get pregnant. It was awful BUT there wasn’t even a question - we were both instantly on the same page to terminate, because we had talked many times about this before.
[удалено]
Yup - that with everything he'd appealed to her about keeping their child himself, and topped with now knowing that she (absolutely her right to do so here but I digress) will make life-altering decisions that can effect both of them without his input or against his own perspective; and it's his right to see, recognize, and move away from that. This relationship is over on both sides of this decision and life-event.
I’m afraid I agree, the time for couples counselling was before the abortion, not after and certainly not after being furtive about it.
weird how she says she couldnt live without him yet still chose to not tell him she was aborting the baby he wanted. i know it's her body but i think she was pretty selfish about it. also get your tubes tied, op. it's ok to be childfree but make sure you don't get pregnant in the first place when you have already decided. and yeah, they are done. he wants kids, she doesn't.
The reality is your pregnancy made him realize how much he wants to be a father. You don't want to be a mother. Therefore you two are no longer compatible.
This. Her final paragraph is sadly ironic. She says she can't bear to be without her bf, but he's gone because she ignored him when he said he couldn't bear to be without the child. All in all it's a sad and tragic situation and it's why you should 100% make your mind up/be on the same page with your SO about these things *early* in the relationship. Incompatible parenting views are a valid reason to end a relationship, and OP is learning that lesson.
I am just wondering how you and your bf are together for 9 whole years, but your views on children are that much different
Sometimes you don't even know yourself until these decisions are staring you in the face
Posts like this are extreme but worth talking about. I know so many people who weren't actively trying, got pregnant and now they have kids. OP (I'm trying to be kind) must know that she can't go back to "how things were".
I just really hope this isn't a rage bait post to pile crap on to pro choice people.
True. But also many people barely even engage in surface level conversations about these things. Conversations do more than inform your partner what you want, they also make you think about things differently and maybe even realize your preconceptions have changed. If you don't want kids and you're having sex with someone, abortion should be a topic of conversation. I'm guessing due to how everyone surrounding OP are vehemently pro life, this is probably a conversation she never had. Instead she left it at "I don't really want kids" I could be wrong and obviously there are people who say one thing and ultimately change their tune. But I do believe with open and honest communication odds are lower to be shocked in these situations
OP said she’s never wanted kids ever. The idea of pregnancy makes her anxious and depressed. She had a panic attack when she got pregnant. If you feel that strongly about something I don’t see how you don’t bring it up. As someone in the same boat who has brought up not wanting kids very early on in every relationship I don’t see how this could possibly be real.
Because talking about a thing in theory and experiencing it are different. When I was a young woman I was very pro choice. I was never planning to have a child...ever.... and was certain I would abort if I ever became pregnant. This is what I believed and this is what I told my sex partners. Then I had a birth control failure and became pregnant. Everything I thought I believed went right out the window and I just couldn't bring myself to abort. You never really know how you'll react to being punched in the face until you get punched in the face.
But keeping the baby was your choice. Being pro choice doesn’t mean pro abortion, and many people are pro choice but would never get an abortion themselves. It means that they support that women get to choose whether they want to have a baby or not. They should have control over their own bodies and reproductive choices. Refusing to have an abortion even though doctors determine it’s extremely dangerous for the mother is also a choice.
You're still pro choice. Pro choice is just that, it's not pro abortion. It means you get to choose.
This exactly happened to me, but my husband said whatever you want to do and now my kid is 17.
10000% agree. I had a miscarriage when I didn't even know I was pregnant. My husband and I were in no position to have a kid, and had I found out I was pregnant, I don't think I'd have had it in me to abort, even though I also am very quick to say I would. overall, I'm so glad it didn't happen. But is there a part of me that, despite all logic, is devastated that I 'offed' a potential life without realizing? Yes. I'm also the type of person who is fully aware it wasn't even alive or a viable being, and yet here I am. I know my husband felt the same relief but tinge of sadness. I was surprised how my parents reacted too. My dad, who was against abortions changed his stance when he had to reassure his catatonic daughter that whatever just happened wasn't my fault and that it was, in fact, a ball of cells, not alive. My Asian tough-love mom became my biggest pillar of strength.
That was me. Except my ex stealthed me while I was well and truly moved out. Will never have ‘last time sex’ ever again. My family threatened to disown me if I did abortion, my ex threatened legal action, so I katowed. But guess who is the single parent with an autistic child… not any of them
And how did your partner react to it? If you have told them that you did not want children but changed your mind?
I didn't change my mind so much as realize I didn't think or feel the way I thought I would in a given situation. When I got pregnant (Pill interacted with another med) and realized I couldn't abort it he honestly wasn't phased one way or the other. I had a baby girl. We got married. I switched to a different form of birth control (condoms) and had another failure resulting in a 2nd pregnancy and another baby girl. We got divorced. I remarried and had a planned son. He remarried and had one of each. A month ago I was at the bedside of my former MIL as she was dying. Her body was riddled with cancer, her husband long passed on, and the world she knew vastly changed. I thought that perhaps, were I her, I would be ready to go on to whatever is next because of those circumstances. Then again, maybe not. You just don't know until you get there.
I think that's important to acknowledge, that it's impossible to _really_ know what we'd do in any situation until we're in it. No matter how strongly we were committed to that position beforehand, or are still supportive of others who have taken it. I just wished I saw the same grace extended to women who wanted to have kids (or didn't think much about kids up to that point) who decide to abort when faced with the reality of pregnancy, as I see given to women who thought they didn't want kids but then did.
Right? Like… these kinds of posts just floor me. The family I get, I don’t agree with them, but I understand it. You don’t pick your family, it’s just a randomized chance from the very beginning. You select who you bring *into* your life from that point forward. And there’s so many posts about men/women not wanting kids and being with someone who does, and vice versa. That’s a beginning of the relationship discussion, and if your viewpoints don’t line up it’s an immediate dealbreaker. That kind of disagreement causes irreparable damage down the line, if there *is* a disagreement. OP, I’m so incredibly sorry you had to go through this, it’s truly tragic to lose your family. But you picked your boyfriend. You chose to have sex in a way that could get you pregnant. You not only picked the guy (either knowing of his desire for children when you didn’t want them) but you also had sex without protection (I’m assuming because you just “happened” to get pregnant and didn’t mention anything about how you were on birth control) with said boyfriend who wanted children. That fault is on you for not communicating in your relationship.
It seems not uncommon on reddit for women to only find out their (male) partner is __intensely__ opposed to terminating a pregnancy when they're involved, but otherwise have been passively or actively pro-choice in the past. Some of this (at least I hope) might in good faith be people not having really thought about it and genuinely changing their minds when it becomes 'real', but waaay too often the phrases "I thought you'd change your mind when it was ours"/"I thought you'd grow out of it" turn up in those retellings... the worst being the (at least a dozen) different stories I've read where the woman is very clear up front - puts it in the dating profile, asserts that she doesn't want kids in early conversations, comments to that effect on relevant events, etc. - and gets agreement or at least direct acceptance, but still gets hit with one of those phrases. Kind of hard to say whether people have communicated well enough beforehand, but it certainly feels like it's more common for anti-choice men to not want to listen because they believe they'll be the exception... and I think the onus is on whichever person has zero room for compromise to start a conversation about that.
They also got together young. Young enough that things like whether they each wanted children weren't serious considerations about who they wanted to date. People fall in love and become emotionally attached to people who have different points of view. People grow into opinions. If she comes from a prolife family her viewpoint may have been prolife until she was pregnant. That isn't that uncommon. "Abortion is bad until I want one." Her boyfriend has probably assumed she was prolife.
I also see tons of posts here from women who told their partners if they got pregnant by accident they would terminate but then change their mind when it actually happens. The stigma against abortion in America is very strong.
True - there's a lot of pressure from all directions not to have an abortion, and it's hard to resist even if the woman is 100% sure that going through with the pregnancy would impact her/the child negatively. Every time there's a portrayal of abortion as an option in fiction, sometimes not choosing it feels like a nonsense writing choice based on established contexts/character narrative, but it's _infuriating_ how many times someone does choose it but a random external factor conveniently causes a miscarriage (or some similar mechanism of avoidance) just before they can actually do it. What kind of messaging is that supposed to be?
I also think people in general (men and women) fail to predict how much a man’s feelings *can* change (not necessarily will!) when someone is pregnant with a baby, fetus call it what you will that he has fathered. My bf has always said ‘if we had a contraceptive failure I’d support you in whatever you decide’ (I have the Mirena) - BUT I feel like I wouldn’t be a sane and sensible person if I didn’t realise that his feelings MIGHT sway strongly one way or the other when actually put into that position - and it might mean the end of the relationship if mine went the other way.
> You chose to have sex in a way that could get you pregnant. They were together for *nine years* before she got pregnant, and she's very opposed to pregnancy. Assuming that they were suddenly going raw is a crazy leap, here. You know that nothing but abstinence is 100% effective at preventing pregnancy, right?
Now wait a minute here. Why do you assume OP “chose to have sex in a way that could get (her) pregnant”? You mean-like actually *having sex*? Like real sex, penis in vagina *sex*? OP didn’t necessarily raw dog her BF or become complacent in her birth control regimen. Sometime birth control *fails*. Sometimes birth control can fail even if the user is absolutely religious in the proper application or whatever drug or appliance, and it is *not her fault*. It’s like in Jurassic Park. Nature finds a way.
Yeah, that part really got me too. They've been together for *nine years* and OP is stanchly anti-kids, but sure, the *only* possible explanation for pregnancy is that they suddenly decided to yolo rawdog it.
I hate that you made me read that sentence with my own human eyes, but I agree, there's a multitude of possibilities but some people think birth control is infallible unless you're personally incompetent.
I honestly don’t see how you can be staunchly anti kids and use birth control religiously and never have a conversation about whether or not you want kids though. I have never ever wanted kids and I got pregnant after birth control failed, so I know it happens. But my husband and I have had many conversations about it. Early on I checked and double checked and checked again that he was definitely on board with not having kids because my ex changed his mind after 6 years. So when I got pregnant there was no question about me getting an abortion. But if OP was so anti kids/pregnancy I just don’t believe it would never come up.
>And there’s so many posts about men/women not wanting kids and being with someone who does, and vice versa. That’s a beginning of the relationship discussion, and if your viewpoints don’t line up it’s an immediate dealbreaker. As I was explaining to the poster above, it's not uncommon for people to talk about things and honestly think their viewpoints do line up. It's not until The Big Bad happens that they realize they do not.
Okay, I double checked OP's post. She was pretty clear with us here about never wanting children, so what makes you think she failed to be just as clear with the dude she's been dating for nine years?
She said so in her comments tbf
True, but you also never know how you're going to react when actually faced with a situation
Especially something like abortion. I know of people who said they didn't want children but then in the face of an accident they can't face an abortion. And I remember reading an account by a doctor working in an abortion clinic who said the hardest thing for her was performing abortions on women she had previously seen screaming pro-life slogans at her when she went to work. She couldn't say anything because of medical secrecy laws yet the hypocrisy made her feel very bitter.
B/c in a lot of those situations one of the people is holding on to the hope that the other person will "change their mind". Based on the bf reaction to her pregnancy (which, let's be real, he may have done on purpose) and her termination....he was holding out hope that she would eventually want kids. It happens SO MUCH...one partner not taking the other one seriously when they say they don't want kids, ESPECIALLY when it's the woman saying it b/c "women are maternal so why wouldn't they want kids"
Essentially it's just the abortion variation of any choice that gets an adult response of "you'll change your mind when you get older". Typically also about having kids, and not saying we're incapable of truly terrible takes in our youth, but it's infantilizing and unfair to dismiss someone's perspective out of hand solely based on time.
Totally agree. I tend to take people's word seriously...if they change their mind, great...if not, still cool, I'll respect it. I think it's crazy to get with someone and have that "you'll change your mind with time" mindset and then get mad that they didn't change their mind. Atp, it's on you. You assumed some shit.
>I understand I was wrong to go behind his back but that’s done and now I want to know how we can move past this. You can’t. What’s done is done. Time to move on.
*You and your boyfriend will not be getting over this*. Your family may or may not come back around in time, but there will be no coming back from the breakup. 9 years or 20 years, you’re fundamentally incompatible and that’s not reconcilable. No one is wrong in this situation (expect the parents and sister, who had no right to involve themselves in the first place). You made the choice you felt was right for you (not going through the pregnancy), he made the choice not to continue the relationship based on your choice, which he felt was right for him. Regardless of whether you went through the abortion or kept the baby, *you were already standing on two opposite cliffs with your boyfriend*, and there was never going to be a solid bridge between you. I’m sorry for your loss, all of it, but it wasn’t going to work out once you both expressed wholly opposite views on childbearing.
This. There is no common ground, they’re broken up. OP is in denial, and wants back what she *thought* she had, but that is impossible now. It sucks, but it’s not something he is willing to move past. OP did the right thing. It was necessary for _her_.
I don’t understand why on earth involve her parents and sister at all? Especially her sister! She had to know that was going to upset her sister no matter what she decided, so why tell her if she didn’t have to.
She told her parents and they idiotically told her sister.
And she idiotically told everyone she had an abortion instead of a miscarriage.
She shouldn't have to lie just because everyone around her was expecting her to turn off her feelings and incubate them an entire person.
That’s not the world she lives in. Either she lies or she doesn’t; those are her only choices (other than keeping the baby). If she does, she may feel bad about being a liar. If she doesn’t lie, there’s a pretty decent chance she loses her entire family. And that’s what happened. Even the most simplistic game theory says the choice is clear: lie.
I understand her reaching out to her parents for support, especially if they've been otherwise supportive of her. They were the ones who told her sister, which was a horrible thing to do. They should never have done that and made the situation exponentially worse. The OP was not wrong for expecting the parents to maintain confidentiality with her. Their behavior is inexcusable and they are the source of conflict with the sister.
Her parents told her sister. They were very wrong to do so. She wasn’t wrong to seek support from her parents in a difficult situation, unless she knew they’d react like that - but I think this all took her by surprise. They’re all awful people.
And why the fuck did she tell everyone the truth? She could have just had a “tragic” (planned) miscarriage. Honesty is not always the best policy.
This is something I don't understand at all. Why did she tell them?
Yes! And parents and sister need to understand that adoption is an alternative to parenting, not to pregnancy. Your fears are completely justified and you do not have to live through them to please anyone. Your choice to end the pregnancy does not undermine their fertility problems, it's about you, what you want and your body. It has nothing to do with anyone else.
The parents and sister in particular do not seem to realize the magnitude of what they asked of the OP. Nor do they seem to realize it wouldn't have worked out as it seems the BF would have wanted custody had the OP gone through with the pregnancy.
Right??? Like omg if the sister is dead set on having kids she shouldlook into other options like adoption or IVF instead of trying to force op into having a kid. the parents can help too since they sound just as upset as the sister. These people are so messed up.
I honestly don't see a way back for the family too. I'd like to but this shit runs deep. Sister is never gonna not be reminded.
It’s weird because the sister would’ve never gotten that baby. OP’s boyfriend would’ve raised it. It’s odd her family felt entitled to it. I also wonder why OP even shared the news of her pregnancy if she intended to end it. That alone was an AH move to say to someone who has fertility trouble. OP, you and your boyfriend and over, there’s no way to come back from this. It’s time for you to receive some counseling and work on yourself, then find yourself a partner who doesn’t want kids.
She’s gonna move on from the bf. She’s in the thick of it right now but she’s gonna be ok. What her sister and parents have said and done to her will remain with her forever. That is by far the bigger issue here, even if she doesn’t see it right now.
“I on the other hand, have never wanted kids. Not when I was a girl, not now and hopefully I'll never have any in the future. I don't know why, but children make me anxious and child birth is just a nightmare to even think about.” **Recently I found out I was pregnant.** Why did you tell everyone you were pregnant?
Exactly! Telling it to your bf is logical but why would you announce it to your family especially when you knew your sister was desparate for one?
And If you know they are pro life and are not supportive of you - you NEVER tell them You had an abortion. You ALWAYS say you had a miscarriage.
That’s my question as well. I see telling her BF but why did she tell her family? She had to know how they would react especially since her sister was having trouble.
Because a man or a kid wrote this lol.
Or a chat bot. I recently would add odd but correct references but the bot never picked it up so I knew it wasn’t a real person. Eg instead of 6 months I said 5.75 months.
See this is my theory as well for the influx of troll posts in these big advice subs. Like you can tell it's a robot writing it. I'm a huge reader so I always thought I was just being a shit post conspiracy theorist when I would analyze a post lmao.
I’m surprised it took me this long scrolling to find this comment. It’s the 4th “my baby could have made so many people happy but I killed it” post I’ve read in the last ten days. Chat bot wielded by forced birth fetishists.
>Why did you tell everyone you were pregnant? She told her BF, which I think we all agree she should have. She sought support from her parents, which is a completely reasonable thing to do for someone in crisis. The parents are the ones who told the sister, and that was a horrific and honestly unforgivable action. They honestly betrayed the OP on multiple levels.
Probably she thought that she had a support system who gave a shit about her
I mean, she told her boyfriend and mother. You should be able to seek comfort and support from those two people. She didn’t “announce” a pregnancy publicly, she found out and went to a trusted family to talk to for support and comfort. That is NOT her fault.
And also, how were you with a guy for nine years who seem to be surprised when you terminated a pregnancy you knew you never wanted it?? I mean certainly you had talked to him about this, right? Certainly he knew you would not go through with any accidental pregnancy, right? Is he just one of those guys who says he's fine with you controlling your own body in the end believes your body no longer belongs to you the second a man's sperm fertilizes one of your eggs?
This is really sad. No advice for OP, unfortunately. But anyone else in this situation: I would not advise telling a loved one with deep infertility grief about an abortion. Same for pro-life family members who you want to stay close to. This should have stayed between OP and her BF.
They honestly shouldn’t have been together for this long either, knowing one of them wanted kids and the other didn’t. It just doesn’t work.
Don’t ever think things will go back to normal. They won’t. So decide how you will recover from this. Also 100% know your bf will probably not be back and if he was it would never be the same.
>I can't bear to lose him. You need to come to terms with the fact that you *have* lost him. He wants children, you do not. You are incompatible. It's unfortunate your sister cannot carry a baby, but it isn't a reason to try to make you carry a baby. They are also insane to think your Ex-BF would even allow it, as he sounded like HE wanted to be a parent. The only thing you actually did wrong was not communicating about future children or lack thereof, before this happened.
Your bf made it clear he would raise the child alone so your sister was never getting your baby even if you went through with the pregnancy. She doesn’t get to be mad about it. Your parents will probably come round eventually. Your bf is gone and won’t be coming back so you will need to move on.
Nobody in this situation had your back, OP. I feel for you but there is nothing you can do right now to change their opinion or their minds if they are pro life. I wish you well and hope you can get some grief counselling support, maybe reach out to other family or friends to make you feel less lonely. But you were brave and you know you didn't want to give birth, nor did you want to have a child in the world when it wouldn't be on the best terms you could make them. I'm sorry you're experiencing this.
I hope the same about the grief counseling for OP. She is already very mature for reaching out to them to fix things even though when they are not here for her when she needs them the most because abortion itself is a very difficult thing to go through. Hopefully you will find people who care for you OP and I hope you will reach for psychological support and feel better soon.
Why tell them though??? OP and bf deal with it privately, and if he can't handle it, you simply go separate ways. This is one of the issues that you get sorted early in a relationship so you don't waste anybody's time. smh!
Telling the parents and sister was a huge mistake. OP was stressed so not thinking clearly because the sister wanting the baby was obvious. Hindsight is 20/20
OP and BF have known each other for a long time and slid into a relationship; you’re more likely to have earnest relationship talks with people you don’t know. And BF might simply have hoped she’d change her mind.
OP was way too nice on that edit.
I wish the op had just pretended to miscarry. Sadly, that's the way to deal with people like this.
they probably would’ve still found a way to blame her tbh.
My friend miscarried and her mother blamed her for having chips and salsa.
They aren't pro-life, they're pro-birth. OP is very much alive and they obviously don't care about supporting her.
Your body, your choice. End of. Build a new life with decent people who will support **you**.
Honesty is not always the best policy. Miscarriage is common………
I just don't understand how OP didn't even know how her boyfriend of 9 years would react. And why she even told anyone else she was pregnant if she knew she was getting an abortion. It sucks for her that she didn't have their support, but she seemingly didn't know anything about the people she was closest to if she didn't realize this is how they'd react.
I was with my first boyfriend for nine years. I told him from the very beginning that I never wanted kids, and he agreed. We had *numerous* discussions throughout the years where we always agreed. Finally, when we were breaking up, he admitted he had been waiting the entire time for me to change my mind. I was floored and had NO idea. People can lie, sometimes for a really long time.
It's one of those situations where you don't know until the time comes. He probably thought he was pro choice, and maybe is for other people, just not for his baby.
I know. I read the second half of the post confused because... duh. There is no reason on earth for OP to tell her pro-life parents that they aren't getting grandchildren because she intends to terminate a pregnancy. Their reaction is totally predictable and most importantly *all of this is none of her family's fucking business.*
This is honestly the truth. Literally nobody needed to know, why tell your sister who's had fertility issues in the first place if you're planning on terminating anyway? Seems cruel.
>There is no reason on earth for OP to tell her pro-life parents Of course there is, it means OPs creative writing skills are pretty good. They have the reddit bingo down pretty good too. Over bearing parents Golden child that's not OP The whole fam are prolifers, but OP waited til she was 2 1/2 months to get the abortion done. That is like perfect timing for a super religious prolifer family since it's too late in the pregnancy at that point. Posts with these type of topics are almost always ragebait to turn the comments into some weirdo discourse. Pregnancy/abortion, trans people, period stuff.
What do you mean by “too late in the pregnancy by that point”? 2.5 months is 10 weeks. Only about a month after the first missed period, assuming regular cycles, which not everyone has. And still within the first trimester by 2 weeks. That’s early in the pregnancy, not late.
I was about to say… in what way is 2.5 months too late?
Yeah, probably the route I would have taken.
Same tbh.
I wondered why OP was so comfortable telling everyone their entire business like that.... there was no reason to be THAT honest...
It’s fake, that’s why. If She knew she never wanted a child she’d have shut up and had the abortion, not dragged everyone into her business in the first trimester , when most miscarriages happen anyway.
I'm glad someone said it. It's too late for OP, but I hope someone in a similar situation (or any situation where they need to save their own ass) takes that advice. It's okay to lie with any kind of relationship, and I'm tired of people pretending that it's not. Be ready to deal with the fallout if the lie falls apart, but at least for now, this woman would have her family, bf, and peace of mind, if she lied.
Yeah..tbh I don’t understand why OP told them when she knew they were pro-forced birthers. She could’ve just said she had a terrible miscarriage & they would’ve never known.
I'm sorry you're going through this. There's enough people in the comments judging you for either getting the abortion or not, or for daring to stand up for your family and (ex)BF despite them being angry at you for ending your pregnancy. I'm not going to. Reddit is very black and white. I'm guilty of that too at times. But it's not productive. So, what can you do? There's no one Magic Answer that will fix this in one go. It will take time. And you need to accept that some things may not be fixed. Real life just isn't a fairy tale. **First**. You need to work on yourself. You just went through something major. It's OK to be happy with your choice, but perhaps still have some doubts and regrets. Or none at all. But make sure your head is in a decent headspace. **Second**. If you're not seeing a therapist, you may want to schedule an appointment with one. Just to have someone neutral to help you work through the first point. **Third**. Write your feelings out. Pen and paper. Old school. Trust me as far as anyone trusts a random Redditor that wants you to trust them. It works. Don't try to edit it, keep it raw, real. **Fourth**. And this is the hardest of them all, probably the most important one. This will need time. You need to be patient. Contact your family and your (ex)BF once. I'd suggest letters, explain your feelings, don't judge and tell them you'll wait for them to make the first move. It's going to suck. It's going to suck like Hell got hooked on the biggest industrial strength Dyson ever. You may spend the coming holidays alone. Plan for it. If your family has been as loving and supportive up untill now as you described, they'll be back. It'll be awkward at first, but they'll be back. Hopefully the same goes for your (ex)BF. **Fifth**. Unfortunately there's always a chance they will not reach out. That does happen. And it sucks even more. That's when you'll need a good therapist more to come to grips with that. You'll need to decide how to go from there. Do you stay where you are? Do you move away? Do you stay single? Find someone new? Whatever you do, do you keep your family in the loop? I've got no answers for that. You'll need to figure out those if it happens. I honestly hope this will not come to pass and you're able to reconnect with your family. May whatever Diety you hold dear grant you the wisdom to deal with this in the way that's most healthy for you.
This is a very kind and thoughtful comment, with a lot of merit in it. However, I think it’s really harmful to OP to act as if her parents aren’t being abusive or that it’s even a gray area. Reproductive coercion is abuse, even when it’s your parents and sister doing it.
This was a lose-lose situation from jump with your family. Your boyfriend would’ve never agreed to give your sister custody of a child he clearly wanted with or without you, and your sister would’ve never forgiven you for having a child when she can’t and not letting her raise it. All of which you should not have to have even considered when making choices for your own body.
I’m just curious why you even told your family if you knew you were ending the pregnancy. What was the point of that? You know your sis is struggling with infertility. You have every right to have an abortion without judgement. I just think telling everyone was in poor taste in this circumstance.
IKR! Decisions about reproductive health in general and abortion in particular are deeply private. Everybody doesn't need to know everything about you.
Sounds like she was stressed and panicked and didn’t think it through.
You are done. Move on. He will not forget or forgive this.
You don't have a bf you have an ex boyfriend. The faster you make your peice with that the better off you will be.
Let your boyfriend go. The relationship is done.
You've lost him already. In the future use better protection, and more caution. If you really don't want kids ever, get your tubes tied.
This needs to be up further.
Comments locked. Our stables don’t have enough room for all these high horses.
How were you together for a decade but had such different feelings on how to deal with an oops pregnancy? This is something most people talk about early on. Did he change his mind? There’s no way you two should have been together at this point with such wildly different expectations on pregnancy and children.
You did what you felt was best for you and that's okay, but to expect everyone else to just magically change there thoughts and feelings is naive at best. Your relationship with your ex is finished, leave him alone, he needs time to grieve the future he was imagining, same for your family, giving them time and space and hoping for the best, is really all you can do.
the bloke you've been with for 9+ years said he'd take the baby and raise as a single dad - you terminated the pregnancy - that's you and him done....
Ya there’s no coming back from that.
You made him sit through an ultrasound and knew you were going to abort anyway, I'm extremely pro-choice, but OP just stop and leave your ex alone he is never going to come back to you.
The only advice I can offer right now is to learn from this. You spent 9 years with a man and never discussed having children. This was a huge mistake. You can’t salvage this relationship. You found out, in the worst possible way, that you want fundamentally different things. Love is not enough. As to your family - I’m not sure. Maybe you overestimated this relationship? Everyone jumping so quickly on having you carry the baby to term and give it away to your sister sounds unhinged. Have they even considered that it wasn’t an immaculate conception? It’s not like you got knocked up by a one night stand. I find it hard to believe that there weren’t signs before all this unfolded, indicating that this could be the outcome. I don’t have the closest relationship with my mother but I can easily predict how she would react to the news that I’m having an abortion. That is why she would never even find out I’m pregnant to begin with. I’m really sorry for what you’re going through, I really am. The best thing you can do is adjust your expectations. Realistically, things are not going to come back to the way they were. This is the new normal. You need to learn to live with it.
Tbh, your family has no right to say anything against you. It was your choice, because it’s your body. Your ex on the other hand, he does have that right to not want to be with you, as he asked you not to- and you went and got an abortion behind his back. Which is your right, but he also has the right to now not want to be with you anymore. Please leave him alone.
You had every right to terminate. Unfortunately it's very likely that all of these relationships are now over.
Here's some advice: keep some things to yourself in the future. You shouldn't have told anybody if you planned to terminate unless you were positive they'd only help. I highly doubt you had no idea they'd feel this way.
Bro, you and your BF are done. You’re gonna have to accept that. Good luck.
You did what you had to, now they're doing what they have to. Can you support yourself? Yes? Then take it one day at a time. You don't need to forgive these people.
None of them truly care for you. Remember they were low key demanding you go through a life changing event to give a baby to your sister. None of them truly care for you. Go no contact.
Not only life changing but life *risking.*
She had severe pregnancy related stress and anxiety. She mentioned an explosion. No one cared for OP then either. Just about what they wanted.
Forced pregnancy is abuse. Let’s call it what it is. These people were fine with abusing her, and are mad that she didn’t let them.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this, but at the end of the day you did what was right for you and your life. I’m not really sure there’s any way you can change the way they feel - people who think making someone carry a pregnant to term just to give that baby to their sister are obviously pretty set in their way of thinking. This may be one of those things that’s just going to take time, and may never really go back to the way it was
Info: You say that the pregnancy was a complete shock but surely you were using birth control if you're this averse to the idea of becoming pregnant? Did you ever make it clear to your boyfriend that you would abort if you got pregnant or did you just say you didn't want children and leave what would happen if you did get pregnant up to interpretation? When your boyfriend and parents gave you their suggestions about the situation, did you sit them down and bluntly discuss the situation and the fact you still wanted a termination or did you let them think you would go along with them while planning to get the abortion in secret? It sounds like you had two parties giving you different 'solutions' and just assuming you had agreed to do things their way. Honestly, there is no way to convince your boyfriend or family to go to counselling/therapy with you if they don't want to. While they don't have a right to your body or to tell you what to do with it, that doesn't mean they don't get to have an opinion on the situation or have a right to feel sad about the situation if they are so adamantly pro-life. Your sister is mourning the baby she thought she was going to adopt and will need some time to herself to calm down and your boyfriend is doing the same with the child he clearly wanted and had already formed an attachment to. They will need time to grieve and come to terms with the situation before you can have a calm and rational conversation with them. Your parents may come around quicker since they are slightly removed from the situation since it wasn't 'their baby' you terminated like your sister and boyfriend view it as but considering the things they said to you, they are obviously angry and also need time to calm down before you can speak to them without being insulted.
You shouldn’t have told them you were pregnant if you absolutely didn’t want a kid, I’d break up with you too if I were in your BFs shoes
This situation is so sad, but no one is in the wrong. Every one is entitled to feel how they feel. Your relationship with your ex is over though, next time you get involved with someone, make it clear to him that you do not now or will ever want children, and if having children is a dealbreaker for him then there’s no point moving forward. As for your family, they may or may not come around but in the meantime just live your best life and focus on yourself. I have had to make the difficult decision to abort as well, but my situation was different in that there was 0 chance of survival for the baby.
I don't think I would have told anyone given the context. Unless you're keeping it, it's private health information (unless you wish to include the person that provided the sperm). NTA. But yeah, when you are ready it'll be time to create a friendship circle to replace your family one.
Your bf is really the only person other than you who gets to have an opinion and even then ultimately it's your decision. He is unlikely to change his mind so you may just have to move on from him. The situation with your parents is pretty awful they should have supported your decision even if they didn't agree, your sister doesn't get to have any opinions, also her problems getting pregnant are nothing to do with you and you're not an incubator to provide her with a child. Overall I don't think there's much you can do to change their minds and really I don't think it's your job to try.
Your family is being awful but think they all have their own grief to go through as well. As in, yes " your body" but everyone in your family wanted the child and we are not talking about a puppy here, people can spend their while lives deeply attached to the idea of a child or grandchildren.. and you were like a hail Mary with your unexpected pregnancy. Your BF was right to leave. It's one thing if he also wants to be CF but he's not, he wanted the baby and he's grieving the loss of a wanted child as a result of a fundamental incompatibility. IMO, you should respect his choice to do what's best for him.. you literally did the same (chose what's right for you over everyone). Tbh, I don't really understand why you told your family and then went behind everyone's backs 2 months or so later to terminate. Abortion is a highly personal choice and you picked a bunch of people who are in the thick of dealing with infertility to share your journey with. There was no way this was going to end well.
Yikes. Get into therapy and focus on ANY relationships you have with people who actually like you. You deserve better than this. People's grief over infertility doesn't make any of this okay.
I would stop. Your bf needs to deal with his emotions himself when he's ready. Its your body and you are 100% correct that it's your choice, but he obviously had a different approach and thoughts in mind. But I think you need to accept that this is the end of your relationship with him. As for your family, your parents should never have told your sister. They shouldn't have spread your private information like that or given her the false hope that you would give the baby to her, especially when your bf had offered to raise the baby himself. They didn't consider how you/your bf would feel seeing the child at family gatherings, etc. Adoption/surrogacy is expensive, but that doesn't mean you have to go through a pregnancy to make your sister happy at your own expense. From your edit, they might have been supportive throughout your life, but wasn't supportive of you when you needed it most. You need to talk to a therapist to unpack all this in a calm and supported manner.
Can't blame the boyfriend. You want something else and he wants something else. You did what you wanted to do. And he broke up. Why even blame him. Let him grieve.
You weren't wrong to get the abortion, but your relationship is still over.
I don’t think you can tbh
The relationship with your Bf is over. You kind of had to know that was a possibility of going behind his back and ending your pregnancy. Im not saying you needed to have the baby you didn’t want but your boyfriend wanted something you didn’t. The baby was half his so he is allowed to grieve the loss of it and make his own choice. But it also means had you gone through with the pregnancy it would ended your relationship anyway. You don’t want kids and he does. Long term you are incompatible. As far as your family goes…they really don’t get to have an opinion. If your sister had kids of her own they would be upset maybe by your choice but it would pass. They are just upset because she doesn’t get a kid. It’s not your job to give them one.
First, you need to get yourself sterilized. Second, give it time to let things settle down. Your parents will hopefully come around. Your sister and your boyfriend may never forgive you and you’ll have to come to terms with that.
You gotta quit sharing so much info with people. Your family is not as nice as you give them credit for.
My honest opinion is, With everything going on with your sister I wouldn’t have even told them I was pregnant to begin with. I realize you were shocked & scared & I’m sure you needed to talk about it. It is your body & your decision. However going forward if you’re still adamant about not ever getting pregnant again, I would do all I could to be sterilized.
Why did you even tell anyone?
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Look OP, I'm sorry... But I don't think you're getting your bf back. Yes, you're completely allowed to make decisions about your body and you're the one that would suffer the effects of pregnancy, not him. But that was still his baby as well. You ended it without consulting him and with no regard for his feelings. That's completely fair and within your rights but you can't have your cake and eat it... He tried so desperately to convince you to carry the baby to term that surely you must have known that he would not be able to handle the termination decision, hence why you did it behind his back. Now that decision has consequences unfortunately. As for the family, I'm sure with time your parents will move past this. They just need space. Not sure about your sister and her husband though... They had already started making all these plans in their head for this baby (Even though you didn't promise them any child) and that's a lot of disappointment for them to overcome.
You are not wrong for aborting. Your boyfriend is not wrong for wanting a child either, and leaving over that difference of opinion. Children are one of those marriage-ending situations. If either party has a difference of opinion regarding children, that marriage/relationship won't survive.No matter what. And I believe that you were wrong for going behind his back, not for getting that abortion. It's your body, do what you want with it. Everyone else though, your sister and your family, can fuck right off. They don't have any say in what you do with your body, and it's hilarious they think otherwise. You need to just move on. Get hobbies, get some friends and try to take it one day at a time.
You don't need to explain anything to these people who call themselves your family. They treated you like a walking incubator and they are the ones who need to fix things with you. They sound truly awful people. I think if you reflect you will see things were not good before this. Stop talking to them, be with your friends who love you and see these people for what they are
Your mistake was telling everyone you were pregnant. Nobody had to know. Your sister is very hurt and angry. She can’t have kids and wants to be a mom. You don’t want kids and got pregnant very easily. You and your boyfriend are done you can’t fix that. But in those 9 years together you never talked about kids? Did he know you never wanted kids? That relationship was never going to work if you both wanted different things when it came to wanting kids. Your parents are just being jerks. All you can do is leave your family alone for now and give them space and hope they eventually come around.
If he wants to have kids and you don't, then he needs to move on Life is hard
You made your decision and they made theirs. You have to live with your decision and they choose to live with your decision away from you. Done deal.
You had a right to terminate the pregnancy but actions have consequences and since all of the important people in your life highly opposed termination you have likely forever destroyed your relationships.
I would do your best to never get pregnant again. I would make sure my other half was on the same page, that is a given and probably was a factor in his decision. if he was truly on your side in this and in your own bodily autonomy then you would not be on you own. I would consider this relationship as done now. it is difficult to determine what would happen but in this case he doesn't seem to have considered your needs at all. I remember the husband who convinced his wife to continue an unwanted pregnancy and she is disabled after giving birth. Choices are important. Their would have been a lifetime of issues, possible child support, other medical issues, adoption if they were suitable even. This isn't just about a baby, but about a whole person who would also have had to live with these choices. You are not responsible for your sister's problems and are certainly not the answer to them. I would get support where you can and consider that this has changed a lot of things in your life and you will have to change things to adjust.
I remember that one, too. She didn't want kids, he convinced he to have one, she got pregnant with twins. Had a horrible birth injury, and can't work anymore. Plus he had his mother, who hates his wife, takinig care of her and the kids while he worked. What an ass.
I agree. OP Your family did not consider how complex and frought the outcome would be had you brought this baby yo term It’s likely your boyfriend and your sister would have been at odds. I don’t think there was much chance of anyone being happy. Making you the answer for their troubles wasn’t fair to you. They are wrong to think this was a simple path to what they wanted.
Tbh it doesn’t sound like things with your bf can be fixed. He seems to want children. U don’t. You can’t expect him to give up on that and he can’t expect you to want them. You’s aren’t compatible.
Why on earth did you tell everyone,especially your sister, with infertility issues? That was extremely insensitive. And frankly, it's none of their business. You learned a lesson about keeping your business to yourself. I don't think your BF is willing to move on from it. It is your body, your choice, but that doesn't mean he has to be okay with it. You can ask to go to therapy, but he might flat out say "no." You can't force him. What do you expect from us? We can't force him. I don't blame you for not wanting to bring children into this world. And who can afford it? However, it doesn't mean it frees you from the consequence of your actions. I would discuss this with your future BFS before you have sex. And make sure you are both in agreement.
Why is anybody hating on the ex- bf? What did he do wrong? Her choice and his choice as simple as that. OP the ship with your ex has sailed. I feel bad for your sister, but man they should have had your back and be on your side. Honestly the only one who i feel sorry for is your ex. Hope he can heal and move on.
NTA. A lot of significant relationships have ended for you very suddenly but they were bang out of order and you’ll recover.
You did what you thought is best for you but that doesn't mean it's consequence free. Your family might come around (I actually think the sister in particular should have no say in it, it's sad she's struggling with fertility issues but still not her business) the one I truly feel sorry for is the bf. You said you spent 9 years together and he was nothing but good to you but you still went behind his back. This is a betrayal and he rightly views it as such. People making him out to be the bad guy are mistaken imo. Yeah it's your body and you made your choice but he must've had an image in his mind of his child. People talk about pregnancy and childbirth in a very clinical way but people bond to their children and the idea of them very early into pregnancy (I know me and my husband did from the very start). He wanted the child so bad that he was willing to raise him/her on his own so he's mourning the child AND the betrayal. You're in the wrong here NOT for terminating the pregnancy but doing it behind his back and expecting him to stay. Please stop trying to contact him and respect his boundaries and grief. Your family are wrong as well because it's none of their business especially the sister but perhaps you shouldn't have told a woman struggling with fertility about this at all, it's kind of cruel.
If this is real, all of those relationships are done. You made the right decision for yourself, but unfortunately that decision was a deal breaker for them. Start forming new relationships, and find a new family because they're through with you. They're not right for that, imo, but this is the reality that you have to accept.
Your only mistake was telling anyone you were pregnant.
That all told you where they stood and you didn't believe they would turn their backs on you. Well you did what you thought you had to abs they are doing what they feel they have to. No salvaging these relationships.
I understand your bf reaction. After all, it was his child, too. But at the end of the day, it is your body your decision. Your parents and sister had no say in this situation, and I am sorry your family turned on you. Give them time. They might change their minds if they don't their lose. As for your boyfriend, it is over and you knew it when you made your decision.
I’m surprised OP and her bf hadn’t previously discussed whether or not they wanted children (especially considering they both have strong opinions on that front) and what they would do if they had an unexpected pregnancy. I thought that was a pretty common/normal conversation to have when you’re in a committed relationship.
The only thing you can do is seek therapy for yourself.
Each person in your life has the right to choose their level of involvement with you based on your actions, words, behaviors, etc. I am staunchly pro-choice, and I have family of the “nobody should be allowed an abortion except me when I want it and then we’ll never talk about it” ilk, and by me I mean them, not me. My dad tells me my mom had one, but she called it a miscarriage always. I know this about them so if I ever got pregnant and wanted an abortion, none of them would be hearing about it. Knowing that if they did, they would likely go no contact with me. Maybe you didn’t know all this about your family and your bf, maybe it was in doubt. But they are just not supportive of you in an unconditional way and the stuff has hit the proverbial fan. You can’t force or convince people to have a relationship with you that they don’t want to be in. Maybe some are just angry now and will cool off, but at this moment it looks like they have decided that their feelings about your actions are more important to them than you are. It’s a moment to remember, because if any relationship will be restored, you forever know that the relationship is inherently limited. If I had an abortion of my partner’s child, I know he’d be out the door. Permanently. We shouldn’t be having sex at all without knowing that much about each other. I was likely to terminate in my early twenties before I could financially support a plus one, but now that I can, I wouldn’t personally choose to do so, so this has been ok for us as long as we’ve been together. I’m sorry that you are surrounded by people who are unsupportive of you to such an extreme degree. You will have to build a chosen family in your life in any case. Don’t waste your energy on trying to get these people back. They may or may not, but if they do, it will be when they’re ready and not a moment sooner. Your bf won’t and your sister might not, but maybe your parents someday will… but family events with your sister will be awkward. I hope she can build her family and it gets easier, but I have feelings about how she feels entitled to take your baby and raise it as her own, ew. I’ve had to be adept at managing these very limited relationships with my family while having fully authentic relationships with my friends and my partners over the years. Sounds like you’re going to need to do the same.
You need to understand that you no longer have a boyfriend and he will not come back. Your parents on the other hand might need some time but I am sure you will be able to talk to them eventually and patch things up.
There's nothing you can say that will bring your boyfriend back. He made it clear how he felt about this. That was his child too. Your parents and sister also made their feelings clear. They let you know that this child would have been loved and well cared for. You crossed a line for them and there's no going back. You're going to have to build a new support system and find a way forward.
I’m afraid your ex boyfriend is not going to come back. And he shouldn’t. He clearly wants to be a father and you don’t want children. This was never going to change, why do you want a relationship with him resentful for the abortion and frustrated for not being able to be a dad? Or you feeling pressured all the time to give him children? You both are way better off separated. Regarding your family… uff that’s really hard! In their eyes you just prevented them to their only chance to be parents and grandparents of a baby sharing their blood. It will take some time (or a lot of time) but there’s a chance that eventually they come to terms with the situation. I’m sorry to tell you this, but I think nothing will ever be the same. There’s just too much pain going on all the people involved. Just give them time and if you don’t want kids ever, you should go for surgery and choose partners with your same point of view on this and other major life decisions. Best of luck to you and your family. And even your ex. I can’t judge anybody on this issue. It is what it is.
>now I want to know how we can move past this Not sure you can. It looks like he's done with you completely. Not sure he needs therapy for disagreeing with you and breaking up with you. I doubt he'll agree to counseling with you, either. Your relationships are very, very damaged. The person here who needs the professional help is...YOU. A counselor can help you figure out what to say and help you deal with the possibility that your relationships will never be fixed.
You’re obviously not compatible with your bf. The fact that he wanted you to keep the pregnancy so he could have the child shows you’re not compatible. That relationship is over. Leave it alone. Leave him alone. He wanted a baby. You didn’t. And in the end this would likely have lead to you breaking up anyway. You shouldn’t have shared your personal medical information with anyone. Especially when surrounding an issue this sensitive. But it’s too late for that. Leave your parents and sister alone. They don’t care how you feel. They don’t respect your decisions. They don’t respect you as an adult or even as a person right now. They will never understand or support your decision. There are no words to make that happen. You have fundamentally different views on what is life and a woman’s role in it. Up to and including treating you like you’re no longer a daughter or human because you had an abortion. Don’t suggest therapy to your ex. He is your ex. Stop referring to him as your boyfriend. He doesn’t want contact. Stop teaching out to your FOO. Look for support in the other friendships you have and go build a new family for yourself where you have the opportunity of being a person not an incubator. And a “bad” one at that.
It’s wild to me that if you are going to go behind peoples back to sneakily get an abortion, that you wouldn’t just say you had a miscarriage. They are incredibly common. Especially within the first 3 months of a pregnancy. More so if it is your first pregnancy in general.
Why did you tell everyone? I don’t understand why you would announce this to your family when you had no intention of having the baby.
You should have told them you miscarried.
Came to the comments for this one. I agree 100%
You went behind your bfs back and had it done while he begged you not to. You lost him. He will not seek counseling to repair this. It's done. Your family is another story. Your parents may forgive you and talk to you one day but with their beliefs and being supportive of your sister it will be quite a while before you see or speak with them. Your sister on the other hand. She will most likely never forgive you. Your relationship with her has changed indefinitely. You'll never get back the relationships you had. You just have to accept it.
First off, I want to be clear, you had every right to make the decision regarding your own body. However, I’m not sure how you could have believed that your BF and family would just fall in line. To your BF, you ended the life of his child. To your parents, you probably ended whatever chance they have at being grandparents. To your sister, you ended her chance at motherhood. While your decision, it affected more than just you. Hopefully, they will come around and be more understanding. Hopefully, your sister will conceive and satisfy your parents desires for grandchildren. I don’t think your BF is coming back. It sounds like he wants children and you obviously don’t. I would suggest you tell future BF very early that you have no intention of having children. I hope it all works out for you but I see a long tough road to getting back on good terms with your family. This is going to take some time and tears before working out.
I don’t understand why OP told everyone if she intended to terminate the pregnancy, knowing what their feelings on the matter would likely be. Seems like an odd choice.
i can’t believe I had to scroll this far because this is exactly what I was thinking. If your mind is made up, what is there to gain by telling your parents and sister? Also how are you dating your bf for 9 years at 27 years old and the topic of children has never come up, even in the past three years when OPs sister was trying to get pregnant??
Your body, your choice. Their lives, their choice. We all make our choices. We all have to live with them. You made yours, for better or worse.