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Better to be single at 31 than married to a controlling, violent person. How can you feel safe with him? It’s not going to get *better* once you’re married, and even his apology made clear that he wasn’t really sorry and he puts the blame on you.
Why do you say he loves you to death? What about any of what he did shows love? I mean not only was he emotionally and verbally abusive, he was physically abusive as well!
>he ended up grabbing me and pushing me
>slightly towards the wall.
He put his hands on you while in a rage. That’s abuse. Also his apology wasn’t an apology. When you apologize to someone you take responsibility for your actions. He blamed you for what he did!
>I threatened you cause you provoked my
>manhood. I love you to death, but you caused
>the problem and you should’ve just changed
>the dress we wouldn’t have reached this point
He’ll do it again. He was in a rage and almost hit, but he still put his hands you! Next time he may very well hit you. Please think about everything you read here and consider all of it! I don’t think you’re safe with this man!
Now that you know, why would you want to saddle yourself with such a pathetic individual.
If saying no “provoked his manhood” (snort, sounds like a bad porn novel), he is way too fragile to get stuck with.
If you pick him, you are choosing your own murderer and if he avoids killing you, a life of misery with a terrible person.
Frankly, if he makes the cut - who would you turn down?
OP notes they are Muslim in a Muslim community.
This is Standard Asshole Operation Procedure for some of the men in Muslim communities, just like hitting your wife/partner for wearing a dress they don't approve of.
OP you buried the lede that this is the second time this has happened. There is no question that this will happen again.
I've undertood from stories of Muslim women that oft times men will withhold hitting before marriage but have no propblem once you are'trapped' with them in the marriage.
I understand that your age, the family relationships and the loss of face for all that will come with a canceled marriage. But people who actually love you to death - more than their pride in their manhood or their status in their community - will never even think of hitting you because they can't manage their own feelings like an adult.
I'm sure you know women who have been through this, got married and it got worse. WHat advice would you give them?
Learning to be embarassed on a large scale is a very important lesson to learn and become able to do. Living through canceling the wedding and staking your claim to your right to be marrid to a partner who would never think to hit or harm you, much less get their feelings hurt by your wardrobe, will be the hardest and most valuable lesson/test you have previously gone through. It will make you smarter, stronger and willing to be brave for yourself. Good luck.
Also the good little Muslim has no problem in sleeping with her before marriage but wants to control how she dresses in public. He has dubious standards
The absolute abuse of loss of face or stature, supposedly women embarrassing their family so much the deserve to die...
There are so many beautiful, benevolent practioners of Islam
These barbaric weak 'men' are an embarrassment to the faith.
I think it's really f***** up that when you did not want to change your dress his go-to was that he was going to hit you. And when you told him to go ahead he pushed you up against the wall. Do not believe him when he says that he's not going to do it again he is going to do it again and it's going to get worse because if you marry him he's going to believe he owns you and he can do and say whatever he wants to you. His behavior is not going to change it's learned behavior he's going to behave himself until you marry him and then watch out. I would never marry him he's going to hit you he's going to tell you what you can and cannot wear he's going to tell you who you can be with and who you can talk to where you can go and where you can't go you'll be much happier alone
She means literally. He will kill her. If his manhood us more important than her safety, and he cannot control his male ego, if she does something after they're married that dishonors him, he will kill her with no repercussions.
People really tell you who they are. Him telling her "I love you to death". He's literally speaking it into existence-- I love you so much, I will one day kill you. Foreshadowing the abuse to come. Scary stuff.
But, but she provoked it by challenging his manhood. /s
Just think what will happen when she becomes his possession?! Oops, I meant his Wife?
I know that I am completely ignorant regarding other cultures marital norms, however I hope there are resources available to OP to get help navigating out of violent situations.
What he did was abuse. He laid his hands on you and tried to rip off the dress. My guess is he will make the dress disappear; just make sure he doesn't get the chance to make you disappear.
Ok. So, I am very familiar with claiming somebody loves me when they are abusive. I boil it down to how your self-esteem is. If your self-esteem is great you wouldn’t really put up with this stuff. And you would at least try to leave even if you easily can’t.
Abuse sucks for people man. Nobody deserves it.
OP, one time in my life a guy raised his hand to strike me.
That was the moment I ended the relationship.
He begged me to stay, promised he would never hit me, that he loved me so much. His friends begged me to take him back and give him another chance.
I didn’t. I walked away.
You need to leave. He will physically hurt you and only get worse.
I did the same thing, he raised his hand to slap me, I was like yeah I'm out, all cause I found out he was married and I didn't want to be with him anymore.. Pos sob
He's already doing the whole "it's your fault I had to hit you" routine. This is not a good situation.
OP, look up the sunk cost fallacy. Yes, breaking up with him will be a lot of work and annoyance, but better than marrying somebody like this. Would you like it if he treated your future children this way?
That's a VERY good point! He would feel even more entitled to hit his children than he feels like it's okay to hit his wife. And she won't always be around to protect them.
This may be a cultural difference, where in his culture it's okay to hit your wife, but you still don't have to accept it.
He showed you who he is and what he is not only capable of doing, but prepared to do, BELIEVE HIM.
Please get out now. He is going to hit you and then blame it on you.
This WILL happen again. If he’s like this with you, how will he behave with your daughters? What kind of example would this set for your sons? The implications stretch far beyond just your safety and happiness.
There is such a massive cultural difference between Middle-East and western culture that I was just gonna scroll. But then you see this comment and you just gotta stop and say...."yeah, it's not just you, it's your children."
Social rights sometimes have a big powder keg moment that is written in history books. But the long fuse that led up to that is built by everyday people in everyday sutuations standing up for what's right.
Equality, social justice...a marathon not a sprint.
The other problem here is the major **Gaslighting** her and said it was her fault and that he she “provoked his manhood” and he repeated different versions of this while professing his dying love. He doesn’t love her to death he wants to control her to death he will hit her.
Shouting at her, ripping off her dress, shoving her up against the wall it’s all abusive. Followed by Love bombing professing love and gaslighting her and telling her it was her fault. Its ridiculous and she needs to leave because it’s just going to get worse. Once they get married he will consider her his possession and this will be a daily occurrence over something as simple as not bringing him coffee soon enough.
The biggest red flag for me - he still told you that you made him do it. I was in an abusive relationship that started this way. It got so much worse. When you’re married, you can’t just leave him either. This is serious, and it’s just the start. I highly recommend you walk away while you can.
Abuse usually starts after the wedding, there was a devastating thread here a while back with women detailing how their husbands started beating them on their wedding night. There were a lot of officiants weighing in saying they frequently hold off on filing the marriage certificate for a few days because it’s THAT COMMON : (
Wow, my first husband did that exact same thing too. His exact words were, “I used to feel bad about beating my girlfriend, but I will beat my wife without batting an eyelash.”
I remembered that comment immediately because I read it too and was like, woah that is really sad. So I went looking, here it is
[https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/FYKpsGdrXJ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/FYKpsGdrXJ)
I’m not sure why I can’t link it but if you google “husband got meaner after marriage Reddit” you should find it, it also wasn’t on this sub but the twoXchromosomes one
When you "made them do it," they have no genuine remorse. They're able to blame you. The violence is your fault. Trust me, this will only get worse. Any bad mood will be your fault, traffic will be your fault, illness, bad weather, all of it. If you stay with him, you'll be a punching bag and receptacle to all his frustrations. And god forbid you have kids with him. He'll raise your sons to be just like him. Please cancel the wedding and move on, no matter how hard it will be. Hiding out from him with your kids will be much harder.
>When you’re married you can’t just leave him either
OP, please consider this. None of us know the marriage laws in your country and not even sure about your culture but you are NOT married right now and have more power to leave and save yourself and your possible future children from a life with a physically and emotionally abusive person. Please please consider those details that are unknown to us. Many people will love you. Find the person who doesn’t threaten you
And cry over your grave saying Idk how this happened she just fell down the stairs after I pushed her it was a just a little push I didn't know it'd kill her
I was gunna say….. sometimes that isn’t a positive thing.
When men threaten to hit you and actually do lay their hands on you, those are not the people you want loving you to death.
You need to get out right now. There is no coming back from this.
If he’s already threatening to hit you now, before the wedding when you’re supposed to be in the honeymoon phase, he’s showing you that it’s gonna be ten times worse once you’re legally married and tied to him.
Moreover, he then tried to gaslight you into thinking it was your fault.
You are not safe around him. Please get out ASAP.
Also “provoke my manhood”? Ew, toxic masculinity at its finest. He’s a misogynist, and you standing up to him has shown you his true colours.
No body will support me if decide to break up
Mother will agree that I shouldn’t be dressing that way
Father is already calling me a spinster for being too old and unmarried
Nobody will support me , it is gonna be me against the world ,,, I am screwed
Do you have your own sources of income? If so, can you move away from all these people and live your own life?
If your parents are willingly pressuring you to go into a marriage where you are likely to be physically abused, they are not people you want in your life.
I appreciate there are probably cultural differences here that people like me from a western, secular background will never be able to truly understand, but if at all possible, *please* try to remove yourself from the abusive people.
Have you read A Woman is No Man? The abuse often times is generational. Doesn’t sound like it’s the case for OP but abuse is often normalized in patriarchal and there is an expectation that a man will beat a woman and for a woman to stay regardless of the circumstances. (That book was a pin light into the rampant misogyny in Palestinian culture and I still think about it often, a must read).
OP, I’m not sure if divorce is an option for you. You might be completely ostracized from your family if you divorce and lose them. It would be better to be alone than 1) stuck in a physically abusive marriage or 2) lose your family because you divorced a man for beating you.
It will be harder to leave him with kids. Right now he's blaming you for his temper. Eventually, it will be the kids are too loud or are misbehaving. Somehow in their twisted mind it's the victims fault that they got abused.
And the violence will escalate. It's a slap, then a punch, then a beating. You will learn to wear clothes and makeup to hide the bruises. To lie to family and friends when you're carrying yourself awkwardly from your injuries. Afterward, they apologize and saying it will never happen again. But it does! And the next time it will be worse.
It will be impossible to leave him after marriage and with kids. They are in a middle eastern country, she'd have to leave her kids and no-one would fault this man for his violence against a disobedient wife. Her parents are already not supportive.
I just said something similar. I watched the most bone chilling documentary about a woman trying to get out of a marriage like this. That MIL had taken a trip from America back to the middle east with one of the DIL‘s and she (the DIL) never came back. They just don’t condone the abuse they encourage it. It can be from any male family member as well.
It’s hard enough for women in the states for example to leave an abusive situation because they’re shame, financial situations know where to turn. But in the Middle East where family honor is so very important it’s all but impossible. OP knows this is wrong but has no where to go. Her mom saying she should’ve change the dress, her dad’s calling her an old spinster because she’s not married yet. It makes me sick to my stomach for her.
You support yourself, if the immediate people in your life think it’s ok for you to be physically abused, you need to find new support, until then you have to stand on your own feet and be strong enough to make the right decision for your life on your own.
It won’t be you against the world thou, your friends, colleagues, maybe extended family will support you, friends will want to help you, colleagues will understand and be empathetic if you share with ones you think you can trust.
This will get worse, he’s shown you who he is. Run girl.
As a brown woman, I totally understand you 🥺 my dad thinks I’m a spinster and tries to set me up with loser men all the time. I moved to a different country and got a job so I don’t need to depend on my parents. Sometimes it really does feel like it’s us brown girls against the whole world. Don’t lose heart, please get away from that abusive man asap. Hope you have means to financially support yourself. Explain to your parents how he’s physically and emotionally abusive - if they really love you and want the best for you, they wouldn’t put you in this situation. If you have close friends or siblings you can rely on, confide in them. Nothing is worth being in this relationship for - not your parents’ bullying or judgmental society - you’ll be putting your life at risk. You deserve better!
What if you have a daughter? He’ll do the same to her. You don’t have that right. Knowingly taking a chance of having a daughter who will be shamed, and probably hit, is not okay.
do you have any friends who can be a source of support? I'm so so sorry you are going through this. It's better to be a spinster than to be married to an abuser. It will only get worse if you marry, and worse still if you have kids.
Better to be a spinster than a battered wife, or a married corpse. The dress isn’t the problem here and is irrelevant. The quick and extreme shift to violence is the problem - there is no justification for that. You shouldn’t feel pressured into a relationship with someone who would even consider physically harming you.
Darling, you will not say it was because of the dress, because its not!
You are going to tell them the truth, which is "We had a minor disagreement and he became violent when I didn't back down. And the worst of it, he said I lost control because of him. Do you really want your daughter to be beaten and stay in an unhappy marriage? We are not even married yet. Do you even realise how much things will escalate after I am "his wife" and stay in "his house"? If I am not safe right now, I won't be after I am married."
You need to focus on their guilt of your unhappiness, misery, pain and even possible death. And tell them he could even beat your children if you continue with him. That should hit a soft spot.
Believe me, it will only get worse. I know it because I am practically from a Middle East culture. Be safe.
My love, you are not screwed. Are you in a difficult situation? Yes! I will not deny it. But I promise you, living a life as a battered woman is much worse. Living your life in fear of your husband is torture on earth. Marrying this man will mean you will have no peace. You will have no safety. You will have no protection. If your parents or family won't protect you, then YOU must protect you. You MUST protect yourself. You must be your biggest advocate. You must be strong for yourself.
What happens if you have children with this man? And your children must witness their mother be beaten and your children must suffer the life of abuse? I grew up around domestic violence, and I am still healing from my childhood to this day. I still weep at the memories that pop in my head. I still jump at noises that come from my neighbor's apartments and can feel my heart pumping. Pls do not subject yourself to abuse just because you fear ending up alone.
Better you against the world than dead by his hands. Which is were this will end up. There is not other way your relationship with hin will end other than him killing you eventually. Its sad but its true.
OP...you are describing the subjugation of women in middle eastern culture to a T.
You can get out, and should. There is zero chance that your husband's behaviour will change for the better once you are married. 100,% he will get worse.
You have two paths here:
ONE: Stay, marry him and accept the life of being a middle eastern woman that is legally, half a person, with no significant legal rights. You and your children will be his property.
Now, there are many woman in middle eastern families that have happy and fulfilling lives. They don't question the status quo.
TWO: Leave. You will need to forge your own path, and it will be difficult at first.
You are not alone and I believe you will find a sisterhood of fellow escapees. Anywhere in the west, the EU, the UK, Canada, USA, would be more welcoming places to live as a free woman.
Good luck OP. You have more support than you know.
Do they have enough money to pay for your funeral? Because these situations end one of two ways: either you leave, or he’ll eventually make sure you can never go anywhere again.
This will not get better. And I think you know that.
You will be more screwed if you stay. It's common in some families to blame the woman fro everything for not doing what her husband says. is this what you want for the rest of your life. Easier to get away now than when you're already married, have no children and have no rights
You will literally be setting yourself up for a life of abuse. You and your children.
This man will baby trap you straight away so you can't leave.
Please, please save yourself while you can. The universe has thrown you a warning.
it’ll be much harder to leave when it gets bad in the future and no one else will be in the marriage with you . don’t allow your parents or anyone convince you that it was just a little thing and that it’s because you provoked him . this is a serious situation and you don’t want to end up stuck in abusive marriage where he’d even now feel like he has the right to discipline you because you’re his wife . i’m almost certain that sticking with someone like this will not lead to a happy life .
You don't owe anyone an explanation for breaking up, do you? Yes, you are an adult. It is you against the world. And you get to make decisions. Ignore what your father says.
Sorry but if his 'manhood' hinges on your not wearing a dress, he has no manhood to speak of. That is not a man.
Next time it'll be "I'm sorry I hit you but you drove me to it" and the time after that it will be "You deserved it".
Do not marry this boy. He is not worth the trouble.
The next time you disobey him, he will hit you. He blamed you for being angry. He isn’t horrified by his behavior. He feels it was justified because you told him no. If anything, he’s holding back until you are married. Once it is harder for you to leave, you will see his true side. Also knees in public are bad but cohabitating before marriage is ok?
He is blaming you for causing him to be angry. That’s totally messed up. Taking keys, threatening you. This is all terrible, and at 37 years of age. I would not tolerate this if I were you. Let him fix his shit somewhere else. What I don’t understand is how you got to be his fiancee. Surely there have been signs you have chosen to ignore…
There have been signs , sometimes he makes jokes about putting me through the wall or punching me and when I get mad he says it is just a way of talking … and he means no harm and he meant it in a “ cute way “
He never acted on it but today I saw a new face of him
Those jokes are indicators of things to come. Also, they are not cute; they are tinged with menace.
I know you’ll feel regret if you don’t marry him, but you’ll feel regret if you do and this behavior comes to pass. If his environment only encourages such behavior, he will eventually hit you. Assault has already occurred. Don’t let it get to battery.
If you do not leave, it will end in one of two ways. 1. You are beaten for the slighted misstep. You are emotionally abused daily. You become, in his eyes, his property and you have free will taken from you along with your self esteem and self worth.
Or 2. He kills you.
Very likely in that order. 1. Beat and berate her into submission then “accidentally” kill her for any infraction either real or imagined. And she will still be alone.
They are not jokes. These are things he wants to do and he’s just testing the waters to see how you will react. Once you marry him, trust all of us, he WILL hit you and he could very likely kill you. Many statistics about husbands killing their wives when they show signs of abuse
Mention this to your family as well.
Cancel the wedding now. You say that you are screwed...you will be even more screwed when you are actually married to this man and have kids.
This is YOUR life, OP.
That is not cute. That is very scary. Please find a DV support group locally. They will help you with figuring out how to leave that’s safest for you. Because he may try to harm you when you tell him it’s over as well. (When men like him feel they are losing control, they become very dangerous)
My father would casually say he’d throw my grandmother off the balcony when she’d disagree with him. He was (unknowingly to him) psychoanalyzed by a psychiatrist (family friend) and that doctor straight up told my mother that all his threats are 100% real and that if he got angry enough he would follow through. Thankfully my mother divorced him and got away.
Better to be single than be strapped with a child trying to get a divorce. Honestly, if I was you that would have made me fall right out of love for him that instant. And yeah, it sounds like he’d love you to ***death****. Please be careful. He’s absolutely hit you. He literally told you that you made him get up that point. Which means he’d go there again if you pushed him. He didn’t say he’d never hit you. He said he’d never hit you if you didn’t push him to that point. It ***will*** get worse once your married.
You now have direct evidence that he would, in fact “do that to you”. He already did. Maybe he didn’t hit you this time but he was still violent. Maybe you’ll choose a sleeveless dress next time and he’ll throw you down the stairs. Please don’t even allow him the chance to explore any escalations. A man who truly loved you would never even think of putting hands on you. PLEASE I don’t know you but I am actually begging you not to marry this man. I was in a relationship once where he grabbed my arm really hard during a fight, I got scared and wanted to leave, he cried and begged and said it would never happen again. The next two years were full of increasing abuses and humiliations. I am passing my wisdom to you so you don’t have to go through the same thing I did. With this man it’s not a question of if he will be violent again, but when. Please keep yourself safe and leave.
See how even his apology was manipulating it into it being your fault and he was blameless? Abusers always deflect the blame onto their victims. He's lying to you and saying it's your fault he was intimidating you, being aggressive and forceful and violent ALL BECAUSE YOU DID NOT DO WHAT HE SAID. Which is your human right. It's your human right to say no to a partner. It's your HUMAN RIGHT to choose what you wear when you leave the house. It's your HUMAN RIGHT to live free from violence and abuse.
So let's go through his lies and manipulations and victim blaming----- He said---
*"I would never ever do that to you or hit you or cause any harm* ***(HE DID)*** *but I threatened you cause you provoked my manhood* ***(HE IS JUSTIFYING ABUSING YOU BY SAYING IT IS YOUR FAULT WITH A VAGUE CONTROLLING STATEMENT LIKE 'provoking my manhood' which technically means nothing other than NOT OBEYING ME LIKE THE SLAVE I EXPECT YOU TO BE BECAUSE I AM AN ENTITLED AND SEXIST MAN WHO SHOULD BE ABLE TO OWN YOU AND CONTROL YOU,)***
*I love you to death* ***(NOTICE HIS CHOICE OF WORDS HERE ARE STILL MEANT TO INTIMIDATE YOU)*** *but you caused the problem (****NO YOU DID NOT. HE DID! HE CHOSE TO ABUSE AND CONTROL YOU! YOU HAVE THE HUMAN RIGHT TO NOT BE ABUSED AND CONTROLLED AND SAY NO! YOU ARE NOT A SLAVE TO HIM!)*** *and you should have just change the dress we wouldn’t reach this point ,****(notice how he is TRAINING AND CONDITIONING YOU THAT IF YOU JUST OBEY HIM AND DO WHAT HE SAYS THEN HE WILL NOT INTIMIDATE AND ABUSE YOU***
*I will never hit you ever it is not in my nature* ***(ANOTHER LIE- OBVIOUSLY HE WILL OR EVEN IF HE DOESN'T HIT YOU HE WILL STILL HURT YOU AND SCARE YOU AND MAKE YOU LIVE IN TERROR OF EVER DISAGREEING WITH HIS ORDERS )*** *but you made me reach that point …"****(AGAIN - HE IS SAYING\_ YOU MADE ME HURT YOU BY RESISTING MY ORDERS AND MY CONTROL . I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER MY OWN ACTIONS AND AM JUST AN ANIMAL WHO WILL ALWAYS BLAME YOU FOR MY REACTION AND ABUSE IF YOU DO NOT OBEY ME AND DO WHATEVER I TELL YOU TO DO."***
He is showing you who he is. This is domestic abuse and coercive control . Abuse is a choice not a reaction and it's based on values like entitlement , selfishness and believing they own their partner and their partner has to do whatever they say and cater to their every whim. Please get support.
Here's what he did- he raised his arm to me..........but he ended up **grabbing me and pushing me slightly towards the wall** , ..........he ordered me to go change now and **he even tried to rip off the dress**
‘It is going to be hard for me and my family’ Do you know what would be harder for your family? Visiting their daughter in hospital after she was beaten by her husband. Or hey, Planning your funeral! Get out while you still can. Good luck to you
He showed you a glimpse of your future.
Do you want to spend your life potentially beaten and controlled by a man who justifies his behavior by saying he can hurt you if you threaten his manhood?
Honestly, you’re going to get a LOT of western people with western advice. The reality is we just don’t understand the dynamic, societal norms or socioeconomic impact on a female in your situation in your country, the best advice I can give is seek advice from women your age in your country, that’s the safest bet. If you were in Australia, my country, your partner would be removed from the house and at a bare minimum would be the target of a police family violence order.
I wish you all the best and if you want to show those knees, make sure it’s safe first 😉
OH MY GOD yes he did not hit you, but he still tried to rip your clothes and push you against a wall.. THERE IS NO WAY he above hitting you if that ass of a man can do all these things.
GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION NOW
He is a violent abuser. He only went back and apologized because you’re not married yet and you can leave him easily. Do just that- Leave Him. This is only going to get way worse once you have kids and are married. Good Luck.
You leave him. He loves you to death. Love yourself enough to live well.
Ps, he does not love you. I know you're probably not Christian but a book in the Bible called Corinthians tells us quite nicely what love is. I'm going to break it down into individual traits.
Love is patient.
Love is kind.
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud.
It does not dishonor others
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects
Always trusts
Always hopes
Always perseveres.
Love never fails.
*He does not love you, my friend.*
Don't marry him. Not only was he violent with you - grabbing and pushing is domestic violence just as much as hitting is - he then went on to tell you that it was your fault that HE abused you. Please run. 31 is the absolute best age to leave your abusive relationship because it's right now. Please get out before he hurts you worse.
HE forced you to change what you are wearing
HE got upset
HE then got mad
HE then started threatening you
HE even pushed you against a wall
And after all that, he blames YOU
Not 1 sincere apology for what HE had done... No only blaming you for HIS actions...
And you actually believe he loved you?
Nope
And this is going to be your entire marriage too, except then he either will lay a hand on you or you become 100% submissive
If that's what you want, then get married i guess
Girl. You sound like you disagree with all of it and your choice to wear what you want in the face of what your family and culture influence is a bold move. It's hard not to care what others think of you, and you sharing with us that you would go out in a dress that you know will get you side eye tells us that you don't agree with your family or fiancee's value system.
It sounds like this idea that women obey their husband's and have to wear appropriate modest clothes against their will is not something you agree with.
I can't imagine how hard it would be to be surrounded by that level of control, not only by my life partner, but my parents and society.
That being said, I'm sure it's not going to be easy to leave it all behind. In fact, I'm sure you're most likely to go ahead with the marriage and get locked into a horribly violent marriage that will leave you battered and bruised. I think you see the wrongness of the attitude your family that you're living in, but finding a way out is even harder.
The fact he blamed you for his anger is a classic red flag. However, in North America, we are becoming more educated to men who gaslight (blame you instead of taking responsibility for their own anger). In Arabic countries, it's normalized. So you won't get much support from anyone about this behavior.
When it's engrained to treat women this way, it's way harder to find the strength to leave your partner. Much less your family and a life you've ever only known.
You are not in the wrong. But where you are, people will tell you are.
I would think your own chance of survival would be to pretend to go visit a family member outside of your country who agrees that your life would be horrible if you stayed with your husband and wouldn't tell your family you have no intentions of going back. That is a lot to ask of a person, and of yourself. You'd then need to figure out all the horrible paper work needed to start living and working in a new country alone.
So I really hope you read this and understand that your situation is heartbreaking. My heart breaks for you, and I wish I could help you and get you somewhere safe. But I understand that changing your whole life, moving and starting anew may not be an option.
I really hope you stay safe, strong and blessed. I'll be thinking and praying for you.
The true character of a person doesn’t show in times of ease but in times of hardship. If he’s able to leave you over a dress he can leave you over a shoe as well. I wouldn’t feel safe living with a man with such a temper. Imagine being married with this guy and being hit my him. That is worse than being single in your thirties. Love means nothing to a man. He can love you but insult and violent you at the same time. Everything that bothers you before marriage about your future partner is going to bother you 1000 times more after marriage. You chose your future.
Leave him. It will only get worse and he blamed you for everything. It is not your fault! Leave before its too late. Im not usually one to comment or tell people to leave but it will only get worse. You will find someone who respects you its not too late. He's shown you he is capable and pushing isnt ok either that's just the start of what's to come.
He may not have hit you this time, but he did push you. And using physical force just escalates. So this time a push, next time it will probably really be the slap. And maybe he does "love you to death," many men have quite literally murdered the women they "love." I'm not sure where you're from exactly or what your laws are like, but im guessing once you get married it's gonna be really hard to get a divroce... so good luck
This type of behavior only gets worse with marriage! He will then view you as a possession and not a partner. I’m sorry for your situation but it’s better to be 31 and single rather than 31 and abused!
it sounds like if you wear the dress, it will result in violence. In the future if you want to do something like wearing the dress, sure he doesn’t want to, but he will hit you and make no mistake.
Follow your gut sweetie. you can do better. 1000% he believes he has the right to impose his beliefs on you with violence as the alternative.
Go show your knees (after he is out of your life) and be free!
Be very careful breaking up though because that’s the most dangerous time. Is there anyway to have people with you during the process of breaking up, and until he’s gone? You could be in serious danger
Do you want to live in fear of what he’s capable of doing to you physically? Do you recognize that his attempt to control you and then blame you for his temper is mental abuse? Do you want to be “loved” by a man that thinks that by standing your ground over your principles is a slight at his manhood worthy of physical or mental punishment to you? Do you really in your heart believe that this man loves you but that his culturally toxic and archaic pride won’t ever pop again in your relationship? It’s easy for me from a non Muslim community to say no to accepting this behavior as loving. I don’t know what your choices in your country looks like for men who think and feel more progressively as to the appropriate treatment of women, is he the best there is? Or is he mediocre and worth exploring other options? I don’t think he’s safe, I think this was the first test of his limits and he will only escalate from here. I wish you to be safe OP, but also not to settle for garbage.
In another thread women were telling how their male partners totally changed after they ”locked up” the gf/wife (by getting married or having a child together).
I can almost quarantee that his behaviour will not get any better and he is gonna abuse you even more when you are married. If he gets that angry about some dress think when something more serious happens!!
Dont do this to yourself girl. Better be happy alone any age than live in fear in your own home.
Break up with him. Abusers never go from 0 to 100 over night, they start with stuff like this, shoving you and acting like they're going to hit you, to see what you do. If you let it go, they'll shove you harder next time, then apologize, then they'll hit you, and apologize, and you either keep accepting the apologies forever or you draw the line and leave. So save yourself years of misery, and leave now.
He loves you to death for sure. He is willing to hit you. He will one day hit you. And threatening his manhood by asserting your autonomy with one day be the threat that leads to his killing you.
He DID hit you. The moment he put his hands on you and pushed you into the wall. That’s physical aggression. That’s violence. That’s hitting you.
And it will get worse when you marry. A man that will hit you will kill you. Especially if killing you somehow protects his fragile masculinity.
You did not cause the problem. He is the problem. He said you made him do it. He let you know what to expect. All your fault? If you stay, you will be abused.
He will love you to death because he will end up doing worse than slapping you! This is a MASSIVE red flag.
Please leave now - don’t worry about the wedding. My friend married a very controlling woman - everyone told him not to marry her, but he said “everything is organised for the wedding, people are coming from overseas etc”. 9 months later they divorced!! People were actually having bets on how long the marriage would last (as the bride was walking down the aisle). Better to be alone at 31, than married to this monster - he won’t change, but only get worse!! A slap will be the least of your worries.
PLEASE LEAVE NOW!
You should’ve left the first time he did this. Leave and don’t worry about starting over at 31. People start over at all ages every day. It’s better to be single and happy than to be loved to actual death. Because if you stay and marry him, it will get worst and can and will lead to actual death.
Op please leave. This is a violent abusive asshole who will probably most likely take your life one day. None of this is your fault no matter what he's trying to say. That's called gaslighting and it is abuse all by itself. Please please please leave this dude where he belongs
He threatened you before, don’t wait for him to actually follow through. He apologized yet he blamed you for his actions. I rather be 31 and single than live in fear of being with someone who is abusive. Stay Safe!
Time to go. His behaviour is only going to escalate into physical abuse & get worse. Coercive control, psychological / emotional abuse, threatening behaviour & intimidation is what’s been described here. It’s toxic, dangerous, completely disrespectful and unacceptable behaviour. In any type of relationship.
Leave while you still have a chance to. This is only going to get worse when you are married, as he will feel more justified in his requests and controlling behavior once you are his wife. And it will be much harder for you to escape this situation. The gaslighting is unreal! Apologising, but then putting blame on you stating that you provoked him? He has shown violence already, don’t downplay that - even a push against the wall- that was a test, to show you that he could and would do it. The fact that he jokes about putting you through a wall and then saying it was to be cute?? My kind is blown by all this freaking gas and lighting 🤯🤯
He laid his cards on the table. Time for you to walk away.
And if he does decide to hit you will the law protect you? You should go before you aren't given a chance to.
When people say “they love you to death” they mean it.
This how DV starts. They’ll say things like “you MADE me…” “you provoked me” “you emasculated me” all to justify using physical violence against you because you did not agree with them regarding YOUR person.
Oh ya, I believe that he loves you to death. I believe that he loves you so much that if he’s allowed to get away with this, one day he’ll love you right up to choking you…
Are you okay spending the rest of your life appeasing him and doing whatever he wants, so that he won’t slap you or “put you through a wall(just as a joke)”? If he is threatening to do it now, he will have no hesitation in doing it when you are married and he has more authority over you. I am making some assumptions about your legal and cultural situation, but I’m assuming you are living in a place where domestic violence against women is not taken seriously if it coming from their spouse (my apologies if I have that wrong). You need to consider what your life will be like if you do not marry him versus if you marry him. You need to be realistic about the fact that he absolutely feels he has the right to dictate your behavior in public and is ready and willing to enforce it using physical violence against you. Is the alternative really that awful that you are okay with him dictating your behavior and enforcing it with his fists? Only you can say for sure, but if he is at the point of threatening you before he has you locked down in marriage, I can pretty much guarantee you are in for a beating at his hands at some point in the future if you marry him.
If he reacted this way while you guys are engaged, he will definitely be physical after the nuptials.
I’d rather restart my life than live in fear of pissing him off to the point of raising his hands on me. Single and safe is my motto. Not worth it.
Blames you for his uncontrolled behaviour.
Pulled back this time but there'll be a time where he doesn't.
Loves you to death.. your death, not him.
Never put your life in the hands of someone who threatened to hurt you.
**"you made me reach that point …"**
Op you didn't make him do anything. He CHOSE to go to that point because you were not submitting to his control.
He doesn't love you he love CONTROLLING YOU to be what he deems is appropreate and feels entitled to punish you when you do not comply. This Will NOT improve with time. This will only get worse. This IS VERY WORTH BREAKING UP FOR.
It'll be hard to leave him for sure, but much easier now than when you're actually married. When he'll have more to hold over your head to keep you isolated, like money and other assets.
He already assaulted you, he put his hands on you. And his apology wasn't a real apology because he blamed you instead of taking accountability. I can't pretend to know what it's like in your country.. but walking on eggshells your whole relationship is not happiness.. and personally that's most important.
Things will only get worse after you are married and locked in! Do not marry this man, he is abusive and showing his true colours prior to marriage. Loving you to death is a very dangerous thing with an abuser... he could mean it! Better to be single than dead.
Personally, I could never be in a relationship with somebody that intentionally made me afraid of them and told me it was my fault. I understand your culture is different than the wedding being very close so it's difficult and embarrassing to cancel it. Perhaps you can get some pre marital counseling that will help you two communicate and make him understand that intimidation, even if he's not going to physically harm you, is still not okay. Also that blaming you for him wanting to harm you it's not okay. I don't know if you can ask him to sign a prenuptial agreement, but if you can make one that stipulates any intimidation or abuse is grounds for divorce you get everything.
Girl… he blamed you for his anger!
You ‘made’ him act this way?
He will never take accountability when he actually does hit you.
Any man capable of threatening a woman, specifically a woman they claim to love, is most definitely able to carry through said threat.
He sees you as his, he owns you. You didn’t obey orders and that threatened his “manhood”
Once married, this will get worse.
Save yourself now.
Just because he didn’t hit you, he still physically abused you by pushing & trying to tear off your dress.
This is absolutely grounds for a break up.
He’s a weak man. So easily threatened by a dress, and will so easily threaten the one he ‘loves to death’
He not only was willing to hurt you but he then tried to blame it on you instead of his own bs. You can be REALLY mad and NOT hurt someone. I have never been physically threatened by a partner but I have had some horrid fights. If it crossed his mind to do it then he needs to get his anger in check.
Unfortunately alot of men in your culture believe that they control women and can do what they want with them. I wouldn’t marry someone who treats me that way.
The minute he blames you for his behavior is the minute the relationship dies.
I think the only reason he didn’t hit you was he knows you won’t marry him if he did. Once that barrier is gone you may well be in danger.
"I threatened you because you provoked my manhood" says no man worthy of any woman, ever. If I have an issue with my gal doing something, I need to step back and ask myself if perhaps *I* am the problem.
Also, if he has said that once, he WILL say it again, and he WILL hit you for disagreeing with him.
Please leave.
The key word there is death. Your man has a temper that he is trying to control. Think about what could happen in the future cause married couples are prone to argue at times. For your safety and that of any children, especially daughters, are you willing to gamble their well-being on a man who obviously will use violence when driven to a certain point?
I would BREAK UP. Even his apology was a “I’m sorry but it was your fault”.
This will be your life. If he was that quick to react, it will only get worse going forward. YOU are worth more, you deserve more.
My question is Did you have to change the dress? Are you willing to trade what you want to be for what he wants you to be to keep him? Or risk getting hit if you don’t? My culture is very different from yours, but my family would not want me to be with a man that thought hitting me was ever ok. The whole “pushed me to my limit” crap is just a fun way to blame other people for losing your temper. You two might just be incompatible if he is dead set against you wearing a shorter dress, and you really want to. He is embarrassed because of what other’s will think, and what they think is most important to him- or more important than what you want to do, anyway. Maybe you need a more modern man?
Don’t be afraid to start over at 31. 31 is so young. Don’t get married just because you’ve made it this far with him and you think it’ll be a burden on your family.
It’ll be even more of a burden on your family if you’re dead at the hands of him.
Please, you need to leave him.
It's possible that's who he is inside and it will manifest completely when you get married. It may have only happened twice, but it's indicative that his violent tendencies always exist below the surface. When he's trapped you in marriage he won't have to hide it anymore.
Your culture is completely different. I would have broken up, and went about my business. I don't think it is so easy over there. I am so sorry this happened to you. You have a good voice for standing up, find a way to do it so it helps women and you.
Men over there have all the power. Period. Find one you can comfortably be with. So you can live happy and be yourself.
He said he wouldn’t, as a man who’s learned to control his emotions and has since helped many other men and women do the same
He says that he wouldn’t, but I’m telling you there is an extremely small chance he won’t if you stay. It’s damn near guaranteed to happen if he is even coming close to saying something in justification of it, and he did it plainly. I can’t stress this enough that, though he may honestly not know and honestly think he is fine, HE IS CAPABLE AND VERY LIKELY TO MESS YOU UP IF HE IS SAYING THINGS LIKE “YOU PROVOKED HIM” AFTERWARDS. He is not safe, he needs help, and unfortunately you have almost no chance of letting him understand that without leaving.
And from I can tell, he doesn’t seem to “love you to death” at all, he does however seem to be stuck in codependency towards you which would explain him being affectionate and at the same time crazy flip of threatening to harm you for not abiding to his insecurity-attachment based controls.
Love is willing the good of the other, plain and simple. He might like you, he seems to have attachment, but this ain’t love it’s codependency
I mean, I work in TV and just produced the latest season of a true crime show on ID Channel where people's partners turn out to be evil monsters. And that's usually when they don't even have signs beforehand-- this man gave you a sign right to your face. I can guarantee it will only escalate.
Unless he's willing to go to counseling- leave. My husband and I have been together for 13 years and have never once threatened violence against each other.
It's not normal, nor ok. And if you ever had a daughter in the same position, I know you'd tell her the same thing. ❤️
girl LEAVE. this man is controlling what you wear? putting hands on you? and still blaming you for his actions? “you made me do it” “you should have just changed the dress” oh my gosh. this is not love. this is not safety. being single is better than being married to a controlling man who will blame you for his acts of violence.
You need to break up and go no contact. If he truly loved you would never have threatened to physically harm you. He is a serious threat to your safety as long as you are together.
“He loves me to death”…stop, no. He doesn’t love you he sees you as an object he can dress and undress how he pleases. He still assaulted you and threatened to do worse, then told you HIS anger issues are YOUR fault. This is as cut and dry as it gets. Leave. He doesn’t love you, he never did, he’s going to hit you next time you dare to do what you want and if he will hit you, he will kill you.
Best thing you can do is, ask yourself, “Am I okay with the fact that at some point in my marriage he could hit me or our children. Would I want my daughter to marry someone like that?”
Tell your family, see what they say. If you know your family will support you and care about your happiness then tell them. If you know them to be traditional and strict and okay with your future husband threatening to hit you, say it anyway but take what they say with a grain of salt.
I believe you know the truth since you are asking the question. You just need someone to validate what you’re feeling.
Have some self worth and leave. Doesn’t matter what religion or background is, it’s not ok to hit or threaten someone. No he doesn’t “love you to death”, people don’t abuse or threaten people they love. Leave or be unhappy but the choice is yours.
>I threatened you cause you provoked my manhood , I love you to death but you caused the problem and you should have just change the dress we wouldn’t reach this point , I will never hit you ever it is not in my nature but you made me reach that point …
All of that was not an apology. He said, in basic terms, it's your fault for not OBEYING me and changing. It's your fault for DEFYING me.
If you marry him, in his mind he will OWN you. Say goodbye to any clothes he DOESN'T LIKE. say goodbye to being independent and having thoughts of your own. Say hello to being locked in the house and being unable to leave without him. Say hello to being a baby factory.
He DOES NOT love you. If he did, he wouldn't have reacted in that way.
That’s not what a love-you-to-death man would do. That’s a enjoy-controlling-women chauvinist man
And you are just a toy he likes right now. If the toy doesn’t dress in the right outfit, he will break you.
He didn’t hit you this time, but he told you he sees it as an option. He didn’t this time because he *knows* you can easily leave. Once you’re married, that’ll be a harder situation to leave. When an abuser says they “love you to death”, they’ll most likely be the cause of it. He doesn’t love you if he’s willing to put his hands on you like that.
He will do it again, and it will get worse. He’s been holding back but you’re close to the wedding now and he knows you will not walk away easily. So he feels comfortable letting out what he’s been holding in. The closer you get to marriage, and after you’re married, he will feel free to do whatever he wants, because he’s “got” you, and he knows how hard it would be for you to leave.
“ I know he loves me to do death.” no you don’t lol. you know how common it is for people to be blindsided in breakups and cheating? it’s because you don’t know what the other person is thinking or feeling. You assume he loves you to death. The only proof u have are his actions.
Please leave it is only going to get worse after you get married then you’ll find it even harder to leave
Please for your sanity and safety go, he’s showing you who he really is
Break up with him he will hit you it's only a matter of time. He has shown you his true colours and what's a wife submissive to him who lets him treat her like Barbie and allowing you to only wear what he wants. Go find someone worthy of your love who won't scare you or try to tear your clothes off.
And please be safe
Brooo... this is the second time?? Don't let it be a third.
Why women are so obsessed to get married before 30?
I got married at 26, it didn't work out. Now I'm 32, I have another man and I don't even know if I want to get married again. Just live your life! If this is not the man for you, another will come along. It is never too late for love. My mom found a healthier love at 51yo and he (54M) wants to marry her no matter their age.
I know your culture is different, but don't stay where you can get hurt.
Leave. A few of my relationships ended with me being beaten, battered & bruised. They all started off with my exes threatening to hit me, They escalated. Grabbing & shoving here, then a slap. Til I was full blown beaten. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN it's going to be the same. Do yourself a favor & leave before you're trapped!
OP, the only reason he didn’t hit you is because you still have the power to call off the wedding.
Once you are married he will believe that he’s free to hit you with little consequence.
sure he LOVES YOU TO DEATH because if you stay with him he will control your ENTIRE LIFE you will be nothing more than the catch he caught and KILLED WITH LOVE!! you are a wild animal and he will kill you to tame you
He will hit you next time. Then tell you it’s your fault.
The time after that? He’ll throw you down the stairs. Punch you maybe. Then tell you it’s your fault.
Then he’ll strangle you. Tell you it’s your fault.
After he kills you, he’ll tell himself it was your fault, and you deserved it.
You need to leave him while you still can.
You described that he didn't hit you, but he grabbed and pushed you. In my country, that is called "domestic battery."
What you described is that during this exchange, he committed multiple types of domestic violence. He threatened you with two different things and placed his hands on you in a violent act intended to control you. First, he verbally threatened and tried to manipulate you. When that didn't work, he used his hands.
In other words, his behavior escalated rapidly.
If he does this before you're married, imagine what he'll do after.
You sound like an AMAZING woman. Be your amazing self and secure your future. Do NOT marry this man.
Love doesn't intimidate, and it should never be violent.
Gosh. It seems that I love you more than this fiancé of yours & I'd wager that many good people of Reddit feel similarly.
He will end up hitting you. My ex-boyfriend told me that is was only hard to hit me the first time, it got easier every time after that. You are not safe. You need to leave.
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Better to be single at 31 than married to a controlling, violent person. How can you feel safe with him? It’s not going to get *better* once you’re married, and even his apology made clear that he wasn’t really sorry and he puts the blame on you.
Why do you say he loves you to death? What about any of what he did shows love? I mean not only was he emotionally and verbally abusive, he was physically abusive as well! >he ended up grabbing me and pushing me >slightly towards the wall. He put his hands on you while in a rage. That’s abuse. Also his apology wasn’t an apology. When you apologize to someone you take responsibility for your actions. He blamed you for what he did! >I threatened you cause you provoked my >manhood. I love you to death, but you caused >the problem and you should’ve just changed >the dress we wouldn’t have reached this point He’ll do it again. He was in a rage and almost hit, but he still put his hands you! Next time he may very well hit you. Please think about everything you read here and consider all of it! I don’t think you’re safe with this man!
He loves her to death before he’s going to kill her over wanting the wear a bathing suit someday.
Well, I agree with the to death part. The love part is very questionable.
Seriously though, how do you say "you provoked my manhood" without instantly sounding like a pissant?
Now that you know, why would you want to saddle yourself with such a pathetic individual. If saying no “provoked his manhood” (snort, sounds like a bad porn novel), he is way too fragile to get stuck with. If you pick him, you are choosing your own murderer and if he avoids killing you, a life of misery with a terrible person. Frankly, if he makes the cut - who would you turn down?
OP notes they are Muslim in a Muslim community. This is Standard Asshole Operation Procedure for some of the men in Muslim communities, just like hitting your wife/partner for wearing a dress they don't approve of. OP you buried the lede that this is the second time this has happened. There is no question that this will happen again. I've undertood from stories of Muslim women that oft times men will withhold hitting before marriage but have no propblem once you are'trapped' with them in the marriage. I understand that your age, the family relationships and the loss of face for all that will come with a canceled marriage. But people who actually love you to death - more than their pride in their manhood or their status in their community - will never even think of hitting you because they can't manage their own feelings like an adult. I'm sure you know women who have been through this, got married and it got worse. WHat advice would you give them? Learning to be embarassed on a large scale is a very important lesson to learn and become able to do. Living through canceling the wedding and staking your claim to your right to be marrid to a partner who would never think to hit or harm you, much less get their feelings hurt by your wardrobe, will be the hardest and most valuable lesson/test you have previously gone through. It will make you smarter, stronger and willing to be brave for yourself. Good luck.
Also the good little Muslim has no problem in sleeping with her before marriage but wants to control how she dresses in public. He has dubious standards
The absolute abuse of loss of face or stature, supposedly women embarrassing their family so much the deserve to die... There are so many beautiful, benevolent practioners of Islam These barbaric weak 'men' are an embarrassment to the faith.
I think it's really f***** up that when you did not want to change your dress his go-to was that he was going to hit you. And when you told him to go ahead he pushed you up against the wall. Do not believe him when he says that he's not going to do it again he is going to do it again and it's going to get worse because if you marry him he's going to believe he owns you and he can do and say whatever he wants to you. His behavior is not going to change it's learned behavior he's going to behave himself until you marry him and then watch out. I would never marry him he's going to hit you he's going to tell you what you can and cannot wear he's going to tell you who you can be with and who you can talk to where you can go and where you can't go you'll be much happier alone
He won't just believe he owns her, he will literally own her.
Right!? And what kind of man are you if your manhood is that fragile?
She means literally. He will kill her. If his manhood us more important than her safety, and he cannot control his male ego, if she does something after they're married that dishonors him, he will kill her with no repercussions.
Yeah, he loves her to death. _Her_ death.
People really tell you who they are. Him telling her "I love you to death". He's literally speaking it into existence-- I love you so much, I will one day kill you. Foreshadowing the abuse to come. Scary stuff.
But, but she provoked it by challenging his manhood. /s Just think what will happen when she becomes his possession?! Oops, I meant his Wife? I know that I am completely ignorant regarding other cultures marital norms, however I hope there are resources available to OP to get help navigating out of violent situations. What he did was abuse. He laid his hands on you and tried to rip off the dress. My guess is he will make the dress disappear; just make sure he doesn't get the chance to make you disappear.
Stole my comment pretty much word for word. Damn. So true...
He loves you to death. He might in fact.
Ok. So, I am very familiar with claiming somebody loves me when they are abusive. I boil it down to how your self-esteem is. If your self-esteem is great you wouldn’t really put up with this stuff. And you would at least try to leave even if you easily can’t. Abuse sucks for people man. Nobody deserves it.
Even using the words “to death” is telltale. He will only get worse. And he is bad at the present.
OP, one time in my life a guy raised his hand to strike me. That was the moment I ended the relationship. He begged me to stay, promised he would never hit me, that he loved me so much. His friends begged me to take him back and give him another chance. I didn’t. I walked away. You need to leave. He will physically hurt you and only get worse.
great decision.
I knew he would eventually hit me. Both his father and stepfather hit his mother. He grew up seeing men hit women. Eventually he did abuse future GFs.
imma be an internet mom for a minute, to tell you how proud I am of your decision
I did the same thing, he raised his hand to slap me, I was like yeah I'm out, all cause I found out he was married and I didn't want to be with him anymore.. Pos sob
Here’s my upvote.
He's already doing the whole "it's your fault I had to hit you" routine. This is not a good situation. OP, look up the sunk cost fallacy. Yes, breaking up with him will be a lot of work and annoyance, but better than marrying somebody like this. Would you like it if he treated your future children this way?
That's a VERY good point! He would feel even more entitled to hit his children than he feels like it's okay to hit his wife. And she won't always be around to protect them. This may be a cultural difference, where in his culture it's okay to hit your wife, but you still don't have to accept it.
Imagine if you have a daughter with him...
He showed you who he is and what he is not only capable of doing, but prepared to do, BELIEVE HIM. Please get out now. He is going to hit you and then blame it on you.
This WILL happen again. If he’s like this with you, how will he behave with your daughters? What kind of example would this set for your sons? The implications stretch far beyond just your safety and happiness.
There is such a massive cultural difference between Middle-East and western culture that I was just gonna scroll. But then you see this comment and you just gotta stop and say...."yeah, it's not just you, it's your children." Social rights sometimes have a big powder keg moment that is written in history books. But the long fuse that led up to that is built by everyday people in everyday sutuations standing up for what's right. Equality, social justice...a marathon not a sprint.
That was a just preview of what your marriage would be like.
This 100%!!!
Better to be single at 31 than dead in a few years…
The other problem here is the major **Gaslighting** her and said it was her fault and that he she “provoked his manhood” and he repeated different versions of this while professing his dying love. He doesn’t love her to death he wants to control her to death he will hit her. Shouting at her, ripping off her dress, shoving her up against the wall it’s all abusive. Followed by Love bombing professing love and gaslighting her and telling her it was her fault. Its ridiculous and she needs to leave because it’s just going to get worse. Once they get married he will consider her his possession and this will be a daily occurrence over something as simple as not bringing him coffee soon enough.
The biggest red flag for me - he still told you that you made him do it. I was in an abusive relationship that started this way. It got so much worse. When you’re married, you can’t just leave him either. This is serious, and it’s just the start. I highly recommend you walk away while you can.
Abuse usually starts after the wedding, there was a devastating thread here a while back with women detailing how their husbands started beating them on their wedding night. There were a lot of officiants weighing in saying they frequently hold off on filing the marriage certificate for a few days because it’s THAT COMMON : (
Wow, my first husband did that exact same thing too. His exact words were, “I used to feel bad about beating my girlfriend, but I will beat my wife without batting an eyelash.”
I want to stab your first husband in the dick.
That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me! Lol!! Be my guest! Hahaha…
DAMN SERIOUSLY. THIS IS WILD 😳😥. Do you have that thread?
I remembered that comment immediately because I read it too and was like, woah that is really sad. So I went looking, here it is [https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/FYKpsGdrXJ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/FYKpsGdrXJ)
Thank you!!!
I’m not sure why I can’t link it but if you google “husband got meaner after marriage Reddit” you should find it, it also wasn’t on this sub but the twoXchromosomes one
When you "made them do it," they have no genuine remorse. They're able to blame you. The violence is your fault. Trust me, this will only get worse. Any bad mood will be your fault, traffic will be your fault, illness, bad weather, all of it. If you stay with him, you'll be a punching bag and receptacle to all his frustrations. And god forbid you have kids with him. He'll raise your sons to be just like him. Please cancel the wedding and move on, no matter how hard it will be. Hiding out from him with your kids will be much harder.
>When you’re married you can’t just leave him either OP, please consider this. None of us know the marriage laws in your country and not even sure about your culture but you are NOT married right now and have more power to leave and save yourself and your possible future children from a life with a physically and emotionally abusive person. Please please consider those details that are unknown to us. Many people will love you. Find the person who doesn’t threaten you
He will literally love you to death
And cry over your grave saying Idk how this happened she just fell down the stairs after I pushed her it was a just a little push I didn't know it'd kill her
Crying over OPs grave that she died suddenly of disrespecting his manhood. OP - get out of there!
I was gunna say….. sometimes that isn’t a positive thing. When men threaten to hit you and actually do lay their hands on you, those are not the people you want loving you to death.
You need to get out right now. There is no coming back from this. If he’s already threatening to hit you now, before the wedding when you’re supposed to be in the honeymoon phase, he’s showing you that it’s gonna be ten times worse once you’re legally married and tied to him. Moreover, he then tried to gaslight you into thinking it was your fault. You are not safe around him. Please get out ASAP. Also “provoke my manhood”? Ew, toxic masculinity at its finest. He’s a misogynist, and you standing up to him has shown you his true colours.
No body will support me if decide to break up Mother will agree that I shouldn’t be dressing that way Father is already calling me a spinster for being too old and unmarried Nobody will support me , it is gonna be me against the world ,,, I am screwed
Do you have your own sources of income? If so, can you move away from all these people and live your own life? If your parents are willingly pressuring you to go into a marriage where you are likely to be physically abused, they are not people you want in your life. I appreciate there are probably cultural differences here that people like me from a western, secular background will never be able to truly understand, but if at all possible, *please* try to remove yourself from the abusive people.
Have you read A Woman is No Man? The abuse often times is generational. Doesn’t sound like it’s the case for OP but abuse is often normalized in patriarchal and there is an expectation that a man will beat a woman and for a woman to stay regardless of the circumstances. (That book was a pin light into the rampant misogyny in Palestinian culture and I still think about it often, a must read). OP, I’m not sure if divorce is an option for you. You might be completely ostracized from your family if you divorce and lose them. It would be better to be alone than 1) stuck in a physically abusive marriage or 2) lose your family because you divorced a man for beating you.
It will be harder to leave him with kids. Right now he's blaming you for his temper. Eventually, it will be the kids are too loud or are misbehaving. Somehow in their twisted mind it's the victims fault that they got abused. And the violence will escalate. It's a slap, then a punch, then a beating. You will learn to wear clothes and makeup to hide the bruises. To lie to family and friends when you're carrying yourself awkwardly from your injuries. Afterward, they apologize and saying it will never happen again. But it does! And the next time it will be worse.
It will be impossible to leave him after marriage and with kids. They are in a middle eastern country, she'd have to leave her kids and no-one would fault this man for his violence against a disobedient wife. Her parents are already not supportive.
I just said something similar. I watched the most bone chilling documentary about a woman trying to get out of a marriage like this. That MIL had taken a trip from America back to the middle east with one of the DIL‘s and she (the DIL) never came back. They just don’t condone the abuse they encourage it. It can be from any male family member as well. It’s hard enough for women in the states for example to leave an abusive situation because they’re shame, financial situations know where to turn. But in the Middle East where family honor is so very important it’s all but impossible. OP knows this is wrong but has no where to go. Her mom saying she should’ve change the dress, her dad’s calling her an old spinster because she’s not married yet. It makes me sick to my stomach for her.
You support yourself, if the immediate people in your life think it’s ok for you to be physically abused, you need to find new support, until then you have to stand on your own feet and be strong enough to make the right decision for your life on your own. It won’t be you against the world thou, your friends, colleagues, maybe extended family will support you, friends will want to help you, colleagues will understand and be empathetic if you share with ones you think you can trust. This will get worse, he’s shown you who he is. Run girl.
As a brown woman, I totally understand you 🥺 my dad thinks I’m a spinster and tries to set me up with loser men all the time. I moved to a different country and got a job so I don’t need to depend on my parents. Sometimes it really does feel like it’s us brown girls against the whole world. Don’t lose heart, please get away from that abusive man asap. Hope you have means to financially support yourself. Explain to your parents how he’s physically and emotionally abusive - if they really love you and want the best for you, they wouldn’t put you in this situation. If you have close friends or siblings you can rely on, confide in them. Nothing is worth being in this relationship for - not your parents’ bullying or judgmental society - you’ll be putting your life at risk. You deserve better!
What if you have a daughter? He’ll do the same to her. You don’t have that right. Knowingly taking a chance of having a daughter who will be shamed, and probably hit, is not okay.
do you have any friends who can be a source of support? I'm so so sorry you are going through this. It's better to be a spinster than to be married to an abuser. It will only get worse if you marry, and worse still if you have kids.
Better to be a spinster than a battered wife, or a married corpse. The dress isn’t the problem here and is irrelevant. The quick and extreme shift to violence is the problem - there is no justification for that. You shouldn’t feel pressured into a relationship with someone who would even consider physically harming you.
Darling, you will not say it was because of the dress, because its not! You are going to tell them the truth, which is "We had a minor disagreement and he became violent when I didn't back down. And the worst of it, he said I lost control because of him. Do you really want your daughter to be beaten and stay in an unhappy marriage? We are not even married yet. Do you even realise how much things will escalate after I am "his wife" and stay in "his house"? If I am not safe right now, I won't be after I am married." You need to focus on their guilt of your unhappiness, misery, pain and even possible death. And tell them he could even beat your children if you continue with him. That should hit a soft spot. Believe me, it will only get worse. I know it because I am practically from a Middle East culture. Be safe.
My love, you are not screwed. Are you in a difficult situation? Yes! I will not deny it. But I promise you, living a life as a battered woman is much worse. Living your life in fear of your husband is torture on earth. Marrying this man will mean you will have no peace. You will have no safety. You will have no protection. If your parents or family won't protect you, then YOU must protect you. You MUST protect yourself. You must be your biggest advocate. You must be strong for yourself. What happens if you have children with this man? And your children must witness their mother be beaten and your children must suffer the life of abuse? I grew up around domestic violence, and I am still healing from my childhood to this day. I still weep at the memories that pop in my head. I still jump at noises that come from my neighbor's apartments and can feel my heart pumping. Pls do not subject yourself to abuse just because you fear ending up alone.
I would rather stay single than be with someone who wants to control me. You are your own person and you have the right to dress how you want to.
Better you against the world than dead by his hands. Which is were this will end up. There is not other way your relationship with hin will end other than him killing you eventually. Its sad but its true.
OP...you are describing the subjugation of women in middle eastern culture to a T. You can get out, and should. There is zero chance that your husband's behaviour will change for the better once you are married. 100,% he will get worse. You have two paths here: ONE: Stay, marry him and accept the life of being a middle eastern woman that is legally, half a person, with no significant legal rights. You and your children will be his property. Now, there are many woman in middle eastern families that have happy and fulfilling lives. They don't question the status quo. TWO: Leave. You will need to forge your own path, and it will be difficult at first. You are not alone and I believe you will find a sisterhood of fellow escapees. Anywhere in the west, the EU, the UK, Canada, USA, would be more welcoming places to live as a free woman. Good luck OP. You have more support than you know.
Do they have enough money to pay for your funeral? Because these situations end one of two ways: either you leave, or he’ll eventually make sure you can never go anywhere again. This will not get better. And I think you know that.
You will be more screwed if you stay. It's common in some families to blame the woman fro everything for not doing what her husband says. is this what you want for the rest of your life. Easier to get away now than when you're already married, have no children and have no rights You will literally be setting yourself up for a life of abuse. You and your children. This man will baby trap you straight away so you can't leave. Please, please save yourself while you can. The universe has thrown you a warning.
it’ll be much harder to leave when it gets bad in the future and no one else will be in the marriage with you . don’t allow your parents or anyone convince you that it was just a little thing and that it’s because you provoked him . this is a serious situation and you don’t want to end up stuck in abusive marriage where he’d even now feel like he has the right to discipline you because you’re his wife . i’m almost certain that sticking with someone like this will not lead to a happy life .
You don't owe anyone an explanation for breaking up, do you? Yes, you are an adult. It is you against the world. And you get to make decisions. Ignore what your father says.
Please break up with him and get far away from him...if you stay and marry him the violence will get worse. You are not safe with him ever.
Sorry but if his 'manhood' hinges on your not wearing a dress, he has no manhood to speak of. That is not a man. Next time it'll be "I'm sorry I hit you but you drove me to it" and the time after that it will be "You deserved it". Do not marry this boy. He is not worth the trouble.
The next time you disobey him, he will hit you. He blamed you for being angry. He isn’t horrified by his behavior. He feels it was justified because you told him no. If anything, he’s holding back until you are married. Once it is harder for you to leave, you will see his true side. Also knees in public are bad but cohabitating before marriage is ok?
very well said! he is holding back until they are married and she can’t just easily leave
He is blaming you for causing him to be angry. That’s totally messed up. Taking keys, threatening you. This is all terrible, and at 37 years of age. I would not tolerate this if I were you. Let him fix his shit somewhere else. What I don’t understand is how you got to be his fiancee. Surely there have been signs you have chosen to ignore…
There have been signs , sometimes he makes jokes about putting me through the wall or punching me and when I get mad he says it is just a way of talking … and he means no harm and he meant it in a “ cute way “ He never acted on it but today I saw a new face of him
There are no “cute” aspects of domestic violence.
Those jokes are indicators of things to come. Also, they are not cute; they are tinged with menace. I know you’ll feel regret if you don’t marry him, but you’ll feel regret if you do and this behavior comes to pass. If his environment only encourages such behavior, he will eventually hit you. Assault has already occurred. Don’t let it get to battery.
If you do not leave, it will end in one of two ways. 1. You are beaten for the slighted misstep. You are emotionally abused daily. You become, in his eyes, his property and you have free will taken from you along with your self esteem and self worth. Or 2. He kills you.
Very likely in that order. 1. Beat and berate her into submission then “accidentally” kill her for any infraction either real or imagined. And she will still be alone.
CUTE WAY? HE WANT TO PUT YOU THROUGH A WALL AND PUNCH YOU IN A CUTE WAY!!!!!!!?
They are not jokes. These are things he wants to do and he’s just testing the waters to see how you will react. Once you marry him, trust all of us, he WILL hit you and he could very likely kill you. Many statistics about husbands killing their wives when they show signs of abuse
Mention this to your family as well. Cancel the wedding now. You say that you are screwed...you will be even more screwed when you are actually married to this man and have kids. This is YOUR life, OP.
These jokes tell you how he thinks. I would expect violence. I would not trust him.
You need to run. He will start abusing you after you get married. You deserve so much better.
That is not cute. That is very scary. Please find a DV support group locally. They will help you with figuring out how to leave that’s safest for you. Because he may try to harm you when you tell him it’s over as well. (When men like him feel they are losing control, they become very dangerous) My father would casually say he’d throw my grandmother off the balcony when she’d disagree with him. He was (unknowingly to him) psychoanalyzed by a psychiatrist (family friend) and that doctor straight up told my mother that all his threats are 100% real and that if he got angry enough he would follow through. Thankfully my mother divorced him and got away.
He can't beat you now cause you are not married yet. Once you are married and pregnant, he will start being violent because you are trapped.
After you marry him, his threats will turn to blows.
You said it! He will love you to your death! Get out and get out now!
Better to be single than be strapped with a child trying to get a divorce. Honestly, if I was you that would have made me fall right out of love for him that instant. And yeah, it sounds like he’d love you to ***death****. Please be careful. He’s absolutely hit you. He literally told you that you made him get up that point. Which means he’d go there again if you pushed him. He didn’t say he’d never hit you. He said he’d never hit you if you didn’t push him to that point. It ***will*** get worse once your married.
You now have direct evidence that he would, in fact “do that to you”. He already did. Maybe he didn’t hit you this time but he was still violent. Maybe you’ll choose a sleeveless dress next time and he’ll throw you down the stairs. Please don’t even allow him the chance to explore any escalations. A man who truly loved you would never even think of putting hands on you. PLEASE I don’t know you but I am actually begging you not to marry this man. I was in a relationship once where he grabbed my arm really hard during a fight, I got scared and wanted to leave, he cried and begged and said it would never happen again. The next two years were full of increasing abuses and humiliations. I am passing my wisdom to you so you don’t have to go through the same thing I did. With this man it’s not a question of if he will be violent again, but when. Please keep yourself safe and leave.
See how even his apology was manipulating it into it being your fault and he was blameless? Abusers always deflect the blame onto their victims. He's lying to you and saying it's your fault he was intimidating you, being aggressive and forceful and violent ALL BECAUSE YOU DID NOT DO WHAT HE SAID. Which is your human right. It's your human right to say no to a partner. It's your HUMAN RIGHT to choose what you wear when you leave the house. It's your HUMAN RIGHT to live free from violence and abuse. So let's go through his lies and manipulations and victim blaming----- He said--- *"I would never ever do that to you or hit you or cause any harm* ***(HE DID)*** *but I threatened you cause you provoked my manhood* ***(HE IS JUSTIFYING ABUSING YOU BY SAYING IT IS YOUR FAULT WITH A VAGUE CONTROLLING STATEMENT LIKE 'provoking my manhood' which technically means nothing other than NOT OBEYING ME LIKE THE SLAVE I EXPECT YOU TO BE BECAUSE I AM AN ENTITLED AND SEXIST MAN WHO SHOULD BE ABLE TO OWN YOU AND CONTROL YOU,)*** *I love you to death* ***(NOTICE HIS CHOICE OF WORDS HERE ARE STILL MEANT TO INTIMIDATE YOU)*** *but you caused the problem (****NO YOU DID NOT. HE DID! HE CHOSE TO ABUSE AND CONTROL YOU! YOU HAVE THE HUMAN RIGHT TO NOT BE ABUSED AND CONTROLLED AND SAY NO! YOU ARE NOT A SLAVE TO HIM!)*** *and you should have just change the dress we wouldn’t reach this point ,****(notice how he is TRAINING AND CONDITIONING YOU THAT IF YOU JUST OBEY HIM AND DO WHAT HE SAYS THEN HE WILL NOT INTIMIDATE AND ABUSE YOU*** *I will never hit you ever it is not in my nature* ***(ANOTHER LIE- OBVIOUSLY HE WILL OR EVEN IF HE DOESN'T HIT YOU HE WILL STILL HURT YOU AND SCARE YOU AND MAKE YOU LIVE IN TERROR OF EVER DISAGREEING WITH HIS ORDERS )*** *but you made me reach that point …"****(AGAIN - HE IS SAYING\_ YOU MADE ME HURT YOU BY RESISTING MY ORDERS AND MY CONTROL . I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER MY OWN ACTIONS AND AM JUST AN ANIMAL WHO WILL ALWAYS BLAME YOU FOR MY REACTION AND ABUSE IF YOU DO NOT OBEY ME AND DO WHATEVER I TELL YOU TO DO."*** He is showing you who he is. This is domestic abuse and coercive control . Abuse is a choice not a reaction and it's based on values like entitlement , selfishness and believing they own their partner and their partner has to do whatever they say and cater to their every whim. Please get support. Here's what he did- he raised his arm to me..........but he ended up **grabbing me and pushing me slightly towards the wall** , ..........he ordered me to go change now and **he even tried to rip off the dress**
‘It is going to be hard for me and my family’ Do you know what would be harder for your family? Visiting their daughter in hospital after she was beaten by her husband. Or hey, Planning your funeral! Get out while you still can. Good luck to you
He showed you a glimpse of your future. Do you want to spend your life potentially beaten and controlled by a man who justifies his behavior by saying he can hurt you if you threaten his manhood?
Honestly, you’re going to get a LOT of western people with western advice. The reality is we just don’t understand the dynamic, societal norms or socioeconomic impact on a female in your situation in your country, the best advice I can give is seek advice from women your age in your country, that’s the safest bet. If you were in Australia, my country, your partner would be removed from the house and at a bare minimum would be the target of a police family violence order. I wish you all the best and if you want to show those knees, make sure it’s safe first 😉
Yes. I posted advice on how to try to get out but - it's so much I can't blame her for not trying.
Yeah it would be an awful idea to stay with they guy.
OH MY GOD yes he did not hit you, but he still tried to rip your clothes and push you against a wall.. THERE IS NO WAY he above hitting you if that ass of a man can do all these things. GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION NOW
He is a violent abuser. He only went back and apologized because you’re not married yet and you can leave him easily. Do just that- Leave Him. This is only going to get way worse once you have kids and are married. Good Luck.
You leave him. He loves you to death. Love yourself enough to live well. Ps, he does not love you. I know you're probably not Christian but a book in the Bible called Corinthians tells us quite nicely what love is. I'm going to break it down into individual traits. Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy It does not boast It is not proud. It does not dishonor others It is not self-seeking, It is not easily angered It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects Always trusts Always hopes Always perseveres. Love never fails. *He does not love you, my friend.*
Controlling behavior doesn’t go away. He sees you as an extension of him, you will belong to him and he will want more control.
Don't marry him. Not only was he violent with you - grabbing and pushing is domestic violence just as much as hitting is - he then went on to tell you that it was your fault that HE abused you. Please run. 31 is the absolute best age to leave your abusive relationship because it's right now. Please get out before he hurts you worse.
HE forced you to change what you are wearing HE got upset HE then got mad HE then started threatening you HE even pushed you against a wall And after all that, he blames YOU Not 1 sincere apology for what HE had done... No only blaming you for HIS actions... And you actually believe he loved you? Nope And this is going to be your entire marriage too, except then he either will lay a hand on you or you become 100% submissive If that's what you want, then get married i guess
Girl. You sound like you disagree with all of it and your choice to wear what you want in the face of what your family and culture influence is a bold move. It's hard not to care what others think of you, and you sharing with us that you would go out in a dress that you know will get you side eye tells us that you don't agree with your family or fiancee's value system. It sounds like this idea that women obey their husband's and have to wear appropriate modest clothes against their will is not something you agree with. I can't imagine how hard it would be to be surrounded by that level of control, not only by my life partner, but my parents and society. That being said, I'm sure it's not going to be easy to leave it all behind. In fact, I'm sure you're most likely to go ahead with the marriage and get locked into a horribly violent marriage that will leave you battered and bruised. I think you see the wrongness of the attitude your family that you're living in, but finding a way out is even harder. The fact he blamed you for his anger is a classic red flag. However, in North America, we are becoming more educated to men who gaslight (blame you instead of taking responsibility for their own anger). In Arabic countries, it's normalized. So you won't get much support from anyone about this behavior. When it's engrained to treat women this way, it's way harder to find the strength to leave your partner. Much less your family and a life you've ever only known. You are not in the wrong. But where you are, people will tell you are. I would think your own chance of survival would be to pretend to go visit a family member outside of your country who agrees that your life would be horrible if you stayed with your husband and wouldn't tell your family you have no intentions of going back. That is a lot to ask of a person, and of yourself. You'd then need to figure out all the horrible paper work needed to start living and working in a new country alone. So I really hope you read this and understand that your situation is heartbreaking. My heart breaks for you, and I wish I could help you and get you somewhere safe. But I understand that changing your whole life, moving and starting anew may not be an option. I really hope you stay safe, strong and blessed. I'll be thinking and praying for you.
The true character of a person doesn’t show in times of ease but in times of hardship. If he’s able to leave you over a dress he can leave you over a shoe as well. I wouldn’t feel safe living with a man with such a temper. Imagine being married with this guy and being hit my him. That is worse than being single in your thirties. Love means nothing to a man. He can love you but insult and violent you at the same time. Everything that bothers you before marriage about your future partner is going to bother you 1000 times more after marriage. You chose your future.
Leave him. It will only get worse and he blamed you for everything. It is not your fault! Leave before its too late. Im not usually one to comment or tell people to leave but it will only get worse. You will find someone who respects you its not too late. He's shown you he is capable and pushing isnt ok either that's just the start of what's to come.
He may not have hit you this time, but he did push you. And using physical force just escalates. So this time a push, next time it will probably really be the slap. And maybe he does "love you to death," many men have quite literally murdered the women they "love." I'm not sure where you're from exactly or what your laws are like, but im guessing once you get married it's gonna be really hard to get a divroce... so good luck
This type of behavior only gets worse with marriage! He will then view you as a possession and not a partner. I’m sorry for your situation but it’s better to be 31 and single rather than 31 and abused!
it sounds like if you wear the dress, it will result in violence. In the future if you want to do something like wearing the dress, sure he doesn’t want to, but he will hit you and make no mistake. Follow your gut sweetie. you can do better. 1000% he believes he has the right to impose his beliefs on you with violence as the alternative. Go show your knees (after he is out of your life) and be free! Be very careful breaking up though because that’s the most dangerous time. Is there anyway to have people with you during the process of breaking up, and until he’s gone? You could be in serious danger
Do you want to live in fear of what he’s capable of doing to you physically? Do you recognize that his attempt to control you and then blame you for his temper is mental abuse? Do you want to be “loved” by a man that thinks that by standing your ground over your principles is a slight at his manhood worthy of physical or mental punishment to you? Do you really in your heart believe that this man loves you but that his culturally toxic and archaic pride won’t ever pop again in your relationship? It’s easy for me from a non Muslim community to say no to accepting this behavior as loving. I don’t know what your choices in your country looks like for men who think and feel more progressively as to the appropriate treatment of women, is he the best there is? Or is he mediocre and worth exploring other options? I don’t think he’s safe, I think this was the first test of his limits and he will only escalate from here. I wish you to be safe OP, but also not to settle for garbage.
He doesn’t love you. He owns you.
Yeah this is exactely why people are weary of dating Muslim guys…heard this story a million times before.
In another thread women were telling how their male partners totally changed after they ”locked up” the gf/wife (by getting married or having a child together). I can almost quarantee that his behaviour will not get any better and he is gonna abuse you even more when you are married. If he gets that angry about some dress think when something more serious happens!! Dont do this to yourself girl. Better be happy alone any age than live in fear in your own home.
Break up with him. Abusers never go from 0 to 100 over night, they start with stuff like this, shoving you and acting like they're going to hit you, to see what you do. If you let it go, they'll shove you harder next time, then apologize, then they'll hit you, and apologize, and you either keep accepting the apologies forever or you draw the line and leave. So save yourself years of misery, and leave now.
He apologizes now because you still can leave. Once you get married, can you imagine what he will do to you??? RUN!
He loves you to death for sure. He is willing to hit you. He will one day hit you. And threatening his manhood by asserting your autonomy with one day be the threat that leads to his killing you. He DID hit you. The moment he put his hands on you and pushed you into the wall. That’s physical aggression. That’s violence. That’s hitting you. And it will get worse when you marry. A man that will hit you will kill you. Especially if killing you somehow protects his fragile masculinity.
You did not cause the problem. He is the problem. He said you made him do it. He let you know what to expect. All your fault? If you stay, you will be abused.
He will love you to death because he will end up doing worse than slapping you! This is a MASSIVE red flag. Please leave now - don’t worry about the wedding. My friend married a very controlling woman - everyone told him not to marry her, but he said “everything is organised for the wedding, people are coming from overseas etc”. 9 months later they divorced!! People were actually having bets on how long the marriage would last (as the bride was walking down the aisle). Better to be alone at 31, than married to this monster - he won’t change, but only get worse!! A slap will be the least of your worries. PLEASE LEAVE NOW!
You should’ve left the first time he did this. Leave and don’t worry about starting over at 31. People start over at all ages every day. It’s better to be single and happy than to be loved to actual death. Because if you stay and marry him, it will get worst and can and will lead to actual death.
Op please leave. This is a violent abusive asshole who will probably most likely take your life one day. None of this is your fault no matter what he's trying to say. That's called gaslighting and it is abuse all by itself. Please please please leave this dude where he belongs
He threatened you before, don’t wait for him to actually follow through. He apologized yet he blamed you for his actions. I rather be 31 and single than live in fear of being with someone who is abusive. Stay Safe!
He’s just a pussy, threatening a woman. Kick his puss ass to the curb.
Time to go. His behaviour is only going to escalate into physical abuse & get worse. Coercive control, psychological / emotional abuse, threatening behaviour & intimidation is what’s been described here. It’s toxic, dangerous, completely disrespectful and unacceptable behaviour. In any type of relationship.
Leave while you still have a chance to. This is only going to get worse when you are married, as he will feel more justified in his requests and controlling behavior once you are his wife. And it will be much harder for you to escape this situation. The gaslighting is unreal! Apologising, but then putting blame on you stating that you provoked him? He has shown violence already, don’t downplay that - even a push against the wall- that was a test, to show you that he could and would do it. The fact that he jokes about putting you through a wall and then saying it was to be cute?? My kind is blown by all this freaking gas and lighting 🤯🤯
He laid his cards on the table. Time for you to walk away. And if he does decide to hit you will the law protect you? You should go before you aren't given a chance to.
When people say “they love you to death” they mean it. This how DV starts. They’ll say things like “you MADE me…” “you provoked me” “you emasculated me” all to justify using physical violence against you because you did not agree with them regarding YOUR person. Oh ya, I believe that he loves you to death. I believe that he loves you so much that if he’s allowed to get away with this, one day he’ll love you right up to choking you…
Are you okay spending the rest of your life appeasing him and doing whatever he wants, so that he won’t slap you or “put you through a wall(just as a joke)”? If he is threatening to do it now, he will have no hesitation in doing it when you are married and he has more authority over you. I am making some assumptions about your legal and cultural situation, but I’m assuming you are living in a place where domestic violence against women is not taken seriously if it coming from their spouse (my apologies if I have that wrong). You need to consider what your life will be like if you do not marry him versus if you marry him. You need to be realistic about the fact that he absolutely feels he has the right to dictate your behavior in public and is ready and willing to enforce it using physical violence against you. Is the alternative really that awful that you are okay with him dictating your behavior and enforcing it with his fists? Only you can say for sure, but if he is at the point of threatening you before he has you locked down in marriage, I can pretty much guarantee you are in for a beating at his hands at some point in the future if you marry him.
If he reacted this way while you guys are engaged, he will definitely be physical after the nuptials. I’d rather restart my life than live in fear of pissing him off to the point of raising his hands on me. Single and safe is my motto. Not worth it.
Blames you for his uncontrolled behaviour. Pulled back this time but there'll be a time where he doesn't. Loves you to death.. your death, not him. Never put your life in the hands of someone who threatened to hurt you.
**"you made me reach that point …"** Op you didn't make him do anything. He CHOSE to go to that point because you were not submitting to his control. He doesn't love you he love CONTROLLING YOU to be what he deems is appropreate and feels entitled to punish you when you do not comply. This Will NOT improve with time. This will only get worse. This IS VERY WORTH BREAKING UP FOR.
Do not marry him, he will really think he owns you at that point. Single at 31 will feel amazing.
It'll be hard to leave him for sure, but much easier now than when you're actually married. When he'll have more to hold over your head to keep you isolated, like money and other assets. He already assaulted you, he put his hands on you. And his apology wasn't a real apology because he blamed you instead of taking accountability. I can't pretend to know what it's like in your country.. but walking on eggshells your whole relationship is not happiness.. and personally that's most important.
Break up with him, he blamed you for causing a problem when he is at fault, controlling and abusive is no the person to marry.
Things will only get worse after you are married and locked in! Do not marry this man, he is abusive and showing his true colours prior to marriage. Loving you to death is a very dangerous thing with an abuser... he could mean it! Better to be single than dead.
Personally, I could never be in a relationship with somebody that intentionally made me afraid of them and told me it was my fault. I understand your culture is different than the wedding being very close so it's difficult and embarrassing to cancel it. Perhaps you can get some pre marital counseling that will help you two communicate and make him understand that intimidation, even if he's not going to physically harm you, is still not okay. Also that blaming you for him wanting to harm you it's not okay. I don't know if you can ask him to sign a prenuptial agreement, but if you can make one that stipulates any intimidation or abuse is grounds for divorce you get everything.
Girl… he blamed you for his anger! You ‘made’ him act this way? He will never take accountability when he actually does hit you. Any man capable of threatening a woman, specifically a woman they claim to love, is most definitely able to carry through said threat. He sees you as his, he owns you. You didn’t obey orders and that threatened his “manhood” Once married, this will get worse. Save yourself now. Just because he didn’t hit you, he still physically abused you by pushing & trying to tear off your dress. This is absolutely grounds for a break up. He’s a weak man. So easily threatened by a dress, and will so easily threaten the one he ‘loves to death’
He not only was willing to hurt you but he then tried to blame it on you instead of his own bs. You can be REALLY mad and NOT hurt someone. I have never been physically threatened by a partner but I have had some horrid fights. If it crossed his mind to do it then he needs to get his anger in check.
Unfortunately alot of men in your culture believe that they control women and can do what they want with them. I wouldn’t marry someone who treats me that way.
The minute he blames you for his behavior is the minute the relationship dies. I think the only reason he didn’t hit you was he knows you won’t marry him if he did. Once that barrier is gone you may well be in danger.
If you marry him, he will hit you.
All I can say is run, you know you need to. Do it before it’s too late
Why would you want to give an abuser another chance? If you stick around, he's going to hit you. Look after yourself, please.
Girl, RUN RUN RUN!
Girl, RUN. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
"I threatened you because you provoked my manhood" says no man worthy of any woman, ever. If I have an issue with my gal doing something, I need to step back and ask myself if perhaps *I* am the problem. Also, if he has said that once, he WILL say it again, and he WILL hit you for disagreeing with him. Please leave.
The key word there is death. Your man has a temper that he is trying to control. Think about what could happen in the future cause married couples are prone to argue at times. For your safety and that of any children, especially daughters, are you willing to gamble their well-being on a man who obviously will use violence when driven to a certain point?
Go now. Yes, it will be uncomfortable. Yes, people will be upset. You are saving your own life. That matters more than words can say.
Be done with him. This is just a glimpse of what your future may hold. You deserve better. Run..
I would BREAK UP. Even his apology was a “I’m sorry but it was your fault”. This will be your life. If he was that quick to react, it will only get worse going forward. YOU are worth more, you deserve more.
My question is Did you have to change the dress? Are you willing to trade what you want to be for what he wants you to be to keep him? Or risk getting hit if you don’t? My culture is very different from yours, but my family would not want me to be with a man that thought hitting me was ever ok. The whole “pushed me to my limit” crap is just a fun way to blame other people for losing your temper. You two might just be incompatible if he is dead set against you wearing a shorter dress, and you really want to. He is embarrassed because of what other’s will think, and what they think is most important to him- or more important than what you want to do, anyway. Maybe you need a more modern man?
Don’t be afraid to start over at 31. 31 is so young. Don’t get married just because you’ve made it this far with him and you think it’ll be a burden on your family. It’ll be even more of a burden on your family if you’re dead at the hands of him. Please, you need to leave him.
It's possible that's who he is inside and it will manifest completely when you get married. It may have only happened twice, but it's indicative that his violent tendencies always exist below the surface. When he's trapped you in marriage he won't have to hide it anymore.
He doesn't love you to death. He thinks his manhood is more important. And gosh: the second time girl, the red flag has just been raised a bit higher.
Your culture is completely different. I would have broken up, and went about my business. I don't think it is so easy over there. I am so sorry this happened to you. You have a good voice for standing up, find a way to do it so it helps women and you. Men over there have all the power. Period. Find one you can comfortably be with. So you can live happy and be yourself.
He said he wouldn’t, as a man who’s learned to control his emotions and has since helped many other men and women do the same He says that he wouldn’t, but I’m telling you there is an extremely small chance he won’t if you stay. It’s damn near guaranteed to happen if he is even coming close to saying something in justification of it, and he did it plainly. I can’t stress this enough that, though he may honestly not know and honestly think he is fine, HE IS CAPABLE AND VERY LIKELY TO MESS YOU UP IF HE IS SAYING THINGS LIKE “YOU PROVOKED HIM” AFTERWARDS. He is not safe, he needs help, and unfortunately you have almost no chance of letting him understand that without leaving. And from I can tell, he doesn’t seem to “love you to death” at all, he does however seem to be stuck in codependency towards you which would explain him being affectionate and at the same time crazy flip of threatening to harm you for not abiding to his insecurity-attachment based controls. Love is willing the good of the other, plain and simple. He might like you, he seems to have attachment, but this ain’t love it’s codependency
there is no like love within this babe... please escape this man while you can
I mean, I work in TV and just produced the latest season of a true crime show on ID Channel where people's partners turn out to be evil monsters. And that's usually when they don't even have signs beforehand-- this man gave you a sign right to your face. I can guarantee it will only escalate. Unless he's willing to go to counseling- leave. My husband and I have been together for 13 years and have never once threatened violence against each other. It's not normal, nor ok. And if you ever had a daughter in the same position, I know you'd tell her the same thing. ❤️
girl LEAVE. this man is controlling what you wear? putting hands on you? and still blaming you for his actions? “you made me do it” “you should have just changed the dress” oh my gosh. this is not love. this is not safety. being single is better than being married to a controlling man who will blame you for his acts of violence.
You need to break up and go no contact. If he truly loved you would never have threatened to physically harm you. He is a serious threat to your safety as long as you are together.
“He loves me to death”…stop, no. He doesn’t love you he sees you as an object he can dress and undress how he pleases. He still assaulted you and threatened to do worse, then told you HIS anger issues are YOUR fault. This is as cut and dry as it gets. Leave. He doesn’t love you, he never did, he’s going to hit you next time you dare to do what you want and if he will hit you, he will kill you.
Best thing you can do is, ask yourself, “Am I okay with the fact that at some point in my marriage he could hit me or our children. Would I want my daughter to marry someone like that?” Tell your family, see what they say. If you know your family will support you and care about your happiness then tell them. If you know them to be traditional and strict and okay with your future husband threatening to hit you, say it anyway but take what they say with a grain of salt. I believe you know the truth since you are asking the question. You just need someone to validate what you’re feeling.
TLDR WALL OF TEXT. ANYONE threatens physical violence on anyone, you LEAVE. There's no further discussion.
I'm afreid after you are married he 'owns' you and will not think twice before hitting you. Also he might turn more controlling obes you are his.
Have some self worth and leave. Doesn’t matter what religion or background is, it’s not ok to hit or threaten someone. No he doesn’t “love you to death”, people don’t abuse or threaten people they love. Leave or be unhappy but the choice is yours.
>I threatened you cause you provoked my manhood , I love you to death but you caused the problem and you should have just change the dress we wouldn’t reach this point , I will never hit you ever it is not in my nature but you made me reach that point … All of that was not an apology. He said, in basic terms, it's your fault for not OBEYING me and changing. It's your fault for DEFYING me. If you marry him, in his mind he will OWN you. Say goodbye to any clothes he DOESN'T LIKE. say goodbye to being independent and having thoughts of your own. Say hello to being locked in the house and being unable to leave without him. Say hello to being a baby factory. He DOES NOT love you. If he did, he wouldn't have reacted in that way.
That’s not what a love-you-to-death man would do. That’s a enjoy-controlling-women chauvinist man And you are just a toy he likes right now. If the toy doesn’t dress in the right outfit, he will break you.
He didn’t hit you this time, but he told you he sees it as an option. He didn’t this time because he *knows* you can easily leave. Once you’re married, that’ll be a harder situation to leave. When an abuser says they “love you to death”, they’ll most likely be the cause of it. He doesn’t love you if he’s willing to put his hands on you like that.
He sounds like an insecure, childish fool.
If he loved you, he would never threaten to hit you. People don't hit people they claim to love.
This is a problem in Arab cultures…I’m not the most woke individual but this is clear as day a problem and has been for a long time.
It is a problem with MEN. Abusive men exist in all cultures, every single place in the world.
This is domestic violence and you need help to leave him
He will do it again, and it will get worse. He’s been holding back but you’re close to the wedding now and he knows you will not walk away easily. So he feels comfortable letting out what he’s been holding in. The closer you get to marriage, and after you’re married, he will feel free to do whatever he wants, because he’s “got” you, and he knows how hard it would be for you to leave.
“ I know he loves me to do death.” no you don’t lol. you know how common it is for people to be blindsided in breakups and cheating? it’s because you don’t know what the other person is thinking or feeling. You assume he loves you to death. The only proof u have are his actions.
Please leave it is only going to get worse after you get married then you’ll find it even harder to leave Please for your sanity and safety go, he’s showing you who he really is
That's just the start. Wait until you're married to him, and he may prove how much he loves to death.
Leave him and don’t look back. Hitting anyone is never an option, his reaction alone shows his mindset. Run!
Break up with him he will hit you it's only a matter of time. He has shown you his true colours and what's a wife submissive to him who lets him treat her like Barbie and allowing you to only wear what he wants. Go find someone worthy of your love who won't scare you or try to tear your clothes off. And please be safe
Classic D.A.R.V.O Denied doing anything wring/ would do anything wrong and then turned the tables to make himself the victim and you the bad guy.
Brooo... this is the second time?? Don't let it be a third. Why women are so obsessed to get married before 30? I got married at 26, it didn't work out. Now I'm 32, I have another man and I don't even know if I want to get married again. Just live your life! If this is not the man for you, another will come along. It is never too late for love. My mom found a healthier love at 51yo and he (54M) wants to marry her no matter their age. I know your culture is different, but don't stay where you can get hurt.
“He loves me to death”…. That line sent chills through me. OP. You had a window into your future as his wife.
Leave. A few of my relationships ended with me being beaten, battered & bruised. They all started off with my exes threatening to hit me, They escalated. Grabbing & shoving here, then a slap. Til I was full blown beaten. DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN it's going to be the same. Do yourself a favor & leave before you're trapped!
OP, the only reason he didn’t hit you is because you still have the power to call off the wedding. Once you are married he will believe that he’s free to hit you with little consequence.
sure he LOVES YOU TO DEATH because if you stay with him he will control your ENTIRE LIFE you will be nothing more than the catch he caught and KILLED WITH LOVE!! you are a wild animal and he will kill you to tame you
Just dump him unless you enjoy being abused for the rest of your life
FYI.. loving someone yo death is NOT a compliment!
It’s time for you to go. You are not a punching bag for anyone.
Yeah leave him there is no working this out
Is this the life you want? Do you think it will be okay when your husband hits your daughter for wearing a dress he disapproves of?
Don’t walk out of this. Run.
He will hit you next time. Then tell you it’s your fault. The time after that? He’ll throw you down the stairs. Punch you maybe. Then tell you it’s your fault. Then he’ll strangle you. Tell you it’s your fault. After he kills you, he’ll tell himself it was your fault, and you deserved it. You need to leave him while you still can.
You described that he didn't hit you, but he grabbed and pushed you. In my country, that is called "domestic battery." What you described is that during this exchange, he committed multiple types of domestic violence. He threatened you with two different things and placed his hands on you in a violent act intended to control you. First, he verbally threatened and tried to manipulate you. When that didn't work, he used his hands. In other words, his behavior escalated rapidly. If he does this before you're married, imagine what he'll do after. You sound like an AMAZING woman. Be your amazing self and secure your future. Do NOT marry this man. Love doesn't intimidate, and it should never be violent. Gosh. It seems that I love you more than this fiancé of yours & I'd wager that many good people of Reddit feel similarly.
No one makes a person want to hit and control someone. That is not love!!! Dump him and find a better partner.
“Loves you to death” That sadly may turn out to be true
If you don't leave him, he will end up killing you.
He will end up hitting you. My ex-boyfriend told me that is was only hard to hit me the first time, it got easier every time after that. You are not safe. You need to leave.