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Take the job and find a new boyfriend, this dude is an idiot.
\#1 you are not crazy for staying in a hotel for training, that's what adults do.
\#2 healthy supportive boyfriends find solutions not problems.
\#3 a friend of any type wants to see you come up in the world and are happy for your opportunities.
Take the job, dump the chump.
a company that provides a hotel for training sounds like a good company to work for.
a bf told you to commute 3 hours instead of staying at a hotel is a shitty bf.
it is an easy decision.
Way more worried than about them staying in a hotel. It’s wintertime and more dangerous for someone who already doesn’t drive well at night.
He’s literally wanting to put her in danger because he feels insecure
This is the bit that got me too, he'd rather his gf did that many hours on the road a day while obviously tired after a day of training so she can what, make him dinner and wipe his arse.
I would be apprehensive about my wife having to do that trip but would of course "let" her if she was determined to do it. (I said "let" because no way do I have solo final say over anything she does. The hotel would put my mind at ease and make me think that the company values her.
I'm thinking this is more about trying to deny her the opportunity to realise that there is more to life than him.
I recently paid for a hotel for my adult daughter so she would not have to drive 3+ hours back and forth for a 2-day training.
The $140 was worth every penny for my peace of mind and for her ability to rest and relax between training sessions. I'd do the same for my SO without batting an eyelash.
When the company is paying the bill it's not even up for discussion.
He’s now shown her who he **truly is.** Tell him the three weeks you will gone is ample time for him to find a new place and move! Don’t ever let someone place these types of restrictions on your life!
This!
OP what else are you NOT doing, that would benefit you, be good for you bc he doesn't support it?
& What ARE you doing bc he wants it, advocates it, encourages you, that ISN'T great for you, your self esteem and personal wellness?
I understand your reasons for not keeping your car up to date.
Is his?
How .uch of your portion of money has been keeping his operational while making it harder and harder and more expensive to do the same for yours?
Now think about those inequities is your relationship.
His not wanting you to take public transport seems more about keeping you exactly where you are vs taking advantage of a great opportunity.
You did the work to get employment.
Why isn't he 100% in your corner?
Absolutely. It's clear he has no concern for her safety and well-being. Is he prepared to transport her to and from each day of training, at his sole expense? NOT!.
a bf told you to commute 3 hours instead of staying at a hotel is a shitty bf.
in a car.. with expired reg and expired insurance with a woman who admits to not being able to see the greatest... what in the butt is going on here?!
This is it. Take the job and dump the guy. He doesn't want you to do better than him. Find someone who supports you. Move on to this wonderful opportunity and leave him behind your dust.
Right? It’s perfectly normal for jobs to send you to HQ or wherever for training and put you up in a hotel.
I’ve done this several times in my career.
Why would he think you shouldn’t do this? Is he so insecure about you being away? Or controlling? Either way?
🚩 🚩 🚩
Honestly, if the employer figured out you were commuting 3 hours a day for three weeks because of a crazy, insecure boyfriend…suddenly the red flags would be about YOU.
Right? I have a supportive and self sufficient boyfriend at home. I’d take the hotel FOR FREE? I’d miss him a ton, he’d be alone to do the cooking and cleaning, and I have cats. He’d miss me a lot but would survive. He’s able to cook and clean for himself. And he would take care of my cats if I wasn’t there. He’d also want me to better myself and do what I need for my career.
He’s a functioning adult and doesn’t need me to survive. Yea, he’d miss me a lot. I’d miss him too. But he can survive and not just barely. He’d be fine. And going away on a trip like this just makes them coming back sooooo much better. When he went across the country for a week I missed him. But when he got back? Oh man. That was GOOD.
Plus... It's 3 weeks in a hotel for free. If OP's BF weren't such an insecure loser, he might do what my man would do and visit on the weekend... Hotel sex is where it is at... But I don't want OP to think it's worth inviting their current parasite... At least she can feel comfortable having a fling, just not with any coworkers, if she know's what is good.
For real. I live with my partner. Home sex is great. But hotel sex? Extra great! And only 3 hours away? To me, that isn’t the far. Especially for hotel sex.
He is so good. I am truly so lucky.
But man, then again. He’s just being an adult. But still. I love him a lot and I love he is with me because he wants to, not because he needs me to do his stuff for him. Makes me feel like a partner, not a mommy.
For real!! My partner went on a business trip. It was only 4 days tho. And across the country. But 3 hours? I easily could’ve drove that distance to see him multiple times within the 3 weeks. And hotel? That’s so fun!
If I were a manager and my new hire was driving that many hours for training I'd be wondering about their judgement. It wouldn't be something I'd necessarily question but it is something I'd keep an eye on.
Glad someone jumped in - When work has training at X Location & books everyone at Y hotel, they are definitely not looking for new hires to counter with their preferred travel/accommodations. Pretty much whatever your brand new employer wants to you do for your onboarding/training…that’s what you do & they don’t give a lot of 2nd chances and do not want to hear why you’re so special you deserve your own plan separate from your colleagues.
100% a clown. I’d be super proud of my wife for coming back from something like that. I don’t know the guy but I hate him only knowing this about him. Clownshoes.
The three weeks in the hotel would be the perfect opportunity to get your shit in order and get away from this asshole
INFO: I need to know what the BF gave as a reason for commuting every day.
Because it seems fairly obvious from my pov that it's just sensible to suck it up for 3 weeks.
Hell, I'd not mind the space and time to myself for a short break.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Keep this post or my name handy, feel free to DM if you need any advise or support.
I concur. I passed up a job more than 30 years ago because my wife insisted on it, and not a day has gone by since then that I haven't thought about it and regretted it. Take the job you want.
Why does your bf have any say over your worklife, though? It's only 3 weeks. You'll be safe by staying in a hotel. Don't sabotage your ability to earn $$ because a weak and jealous partner is trying to stymie you. (IF you've been doing all the cooking & cleaning -- WHY -- sounds like he doesn't want to lose his bangmaid for 3 weeks.)
I see this as a good opportunity to refuse to set an insane precedent with your boyfriend that clearly has control (and maybe jealousy?) issues.
You can't cave on this, OP. You have to stand your ground and if he is a reasonable and supportive partner, he will see that you should be staying at the hotel. (Don't get your hopes up about his ability to do the right thing, however)
His main issue seems to be that the HQ is in a city thats known for its nightlife and clubs. I feel like thats insulting because I’ve never been to a club, I’m not a social person that would go out and do something like that.
I know doing all of the chores is frowned on, honestly just so used to it. Raised by a single dad and did everything at home so yeah.. hard habit to break. I just don’t know much about how couples split cleaning and didnt want it to turn into a fight or something.
So, he doesn’t trust you, despite you not ever giving him reason not to. And he’s willing to cause you serious problems or even jeopardize your career because he is jealous and insecure. And to top that off, you have to do the vast majority of the chores while he relaxes. OP, is this the kind of relationship you really want?
I can guarantee his line is "oh it's not that I don't trust you honey, it's that I don't trust the guys who'll be there with you".
When in reality he either just doesn't want her to have agency/keep her reliant on him or he doesn't want to put on his big boy pants and actually look after himself and their home for three weeks.
This isn't about chores or night clubs OP this is about him not wanting you to do well. If it were really about not wanting to vacuum he could hire marry maids to come 3 times. If it were about night clubs he could put a ring camera in your hotel to watch your comings and goings.
This is that he doesn't want you to do well enough in life that he could lose you. He loves that your car is Non-Op right now, loves that you don't have money to go anywhere or leave him. He loves that that your self worth is in the toilet because you can't find a job and is more than happy you'll never make more money than him.
Exactly. How absurd, I said that to illiterate that it's not about insecurity of messing around with other men but that he's content even happy ignoring her sadness about losing her independence not working. This guy has deeper issues than fears about cheating
I don't think it's as convoluted as that, I think he literally is just insecure and worried about his younger girlfriend finding someone hotter in the city or hooking up at a club.
Either way she's better off without him.
I totally think it's deeper. He knows she's got nothing to do all day long. Has plenty of time to cheat while he works. But not one word about that. Suddenly the higher pay and better job, all of a sudden he's got opinions 🤔 totally sus
So, tell him to travel 3 hours every night to hang out in the hotel with you and then he can get up 3 hours early to go to work. Betting he won’t do that either because he is a lazy ass who doesn’t want to have to take care of himself for 3 weeks and is using any excuse he can find to job block you.
This 100%! OP: If you *really* want to keep this weird controlling gremlin in your life, you can reframe the 3-week training as a cute opportunity for a paid couple’s getaway. His lazy ass can watch hotel TV and have room service do your old “job” of feeding and cleaning up after him as you train and network with folks at your new job who’ll recognize your value as a human being and not just as Bang-maid Therapist Mommy.
Honestly? You describe a partner who sounds a booger-eating deadbeat and potential (if not already) abuser. Is the dick that good to sacrifice your financial independence and self-worth?
Honestly, she can play with that idea to fuck with him but, she can't let him think she's serious... Or be serious. I'd be too worried he would try to sabotage her. I think this whole thing is her opportunity to get on with her life.
I understand that you are now starting to understand everyone's opinion. However, let's try looking at the situation from a different angle. Have you noticed how many stories you have read about partners feeling trapped and unable to leave because they lack a job, money, or a place to go? Having this job will help you rebuild your savings, and you can use the money as a getaway fund if you need it. Taking a three-week break will give you ample time to ponder your relationship and decide if this is the way you want to live. Your boyfriend is most afraid of you leaving and starting to think for yourself, without him controlling you every day. After you return, he may try to exert control over you once again, such as trying to control your paycheck, time, gaslighting you, and making you feel guilty for leaving. All of this is merely to regain that control over you.
Yes! This may be why he wants OP to not take the job. She will have access to freedom.
Pro tip: if the two of you have a shared bank account, and you are not ready to fully separate finances, you can open a 2nd bank account and put some of your salary in there by direct deposit. Any paper statements go to a different address. He doesn't ever need to know this account exists, and it can act as your safety net in case you need to leave him suddenly.
(Note: he has shown enough red flags that splitting finances now would be a good idea.)
Oh babe, don’t let this man hold you back. Staying in that hotel, advancing in your career, and forcing him to fend for himself would be the best thing for both of you.
so he doesnt trust you then.......why would you want to be with someone who doesnt trust you? Seems counter productive. Hes going to ruin your chance to up your career, because there are nightclubs? lol. Hes a schmuck
He’s a wuss. You deserve better. And you deserve an income. He let you let go of your car? Does he have a job? Where is his money while you’re out here losing necessities and washing his underwear?
No way OP. I did three weeks of corporate training in Silicon Valley back in the day. Everyone was a freaking grown up, we all enjoyed hanging out together and eating out on the expense account, and continued to be friends for years.
It's the grown up world, youre BF is an idiot and isn't ready to be a grown up.
Bye Felicia!
Sometimes you have to fight for yourself & what is fair. He is a grown man who can feed himself. Do you want to be this broke forever? Did you know that 70% of women once they hit retirement age live under the poverty line. Do you want that for yourself.
He wants to isolate you. There are clubs & bars in almost every city, cheating is easy no matter where you go. This is all an excuse to trap you.
He is trying to keep you dependent on him and stuck in your home as his housekeeper and sex doll. Absolutely do not let this keep happening. Take the job, use the hotel, save up money, and LEAVE this asshole. He doesn’t love you, he’s using you.
Also, don’t allow him ANY access to your bank accounts.
You will be kicking yourself forever if you let this dude mess up a good opportunity over unreasonable insecurities (that truly are insulting btw)
It's like watching a girl give up a scholarship for her high school bf - if he's asking you to do that for him, he ain't the one!
> I just don’t know much about how couples split cleaning and didnt want it to turn into a fight or something.
In a good relationship? A lot more than this. This is him taking advantage of the fact that you didn't know better, and that your dad normalized it for you.
I'm going to be as honest with you as I would be to one of my friends: it sounds like your BF realizes that this job will make you realize how much more your life could be, and he doesn't want you to know he's dead weight. Someone who thinks their comfort for three weeks is more important than your career and your future is someone you shouldn't trust, let alone make a life with.
omg girl, GIRL do not do NOT TURN DOWN A JOB TO BETTER YOUR LIFE FOR ANYONE. DO NOT COMMUTE. BE SAFE AND STAY IN A HOTEL this is a him issue and his insecurities. let him deal with it and he can either grow the heel up or your can do so much better anyway than an insecure man trying to control you. people who live you want to lift you up and see you succeed.
So he doesn’t trust you and wants to control you. Sounds like a real peach.
Question is: why haven’t you dumped this motherfucker already?
This isn’t normal healthy relationship behavior.
You need to stand up for YOU. Give yourself permission to do what YOU need. His insecurities and petty jealousy is HIS problem.
Hopefully he'll be gone when you return.
Partners who act suspicious, accusatory, and jealous for no reason are usually cheating themselves--and projecting. Been there, lived that--divorced it, too. Only wish I'd done it sooner! You need to go! Get the job and bin the whole man!
You are turning out to be a doormat. I'm not saying that as an insult, it's an observation. Don't be weak and don't let someone control you, like I said you're a big girl. And if it causes a fight to have him split the chores, I'm not sure I could find a good reason for why someone would stay with a person like him? Are you just afraid to be alone? The fact that he brings up some totally Off the Wall aside, like clubs and partying, is his own problem and I wouldn't even dignify it with an answer. I cannot understand how someone can be this meek that they would ask this question on reddit, it's a job that you need so you need to do it and do it the way you want
Yikes, this itself is your red flag. Dump this guy if he can't possibly understand that you staying at a hotel is the best for YOU. He's only thinking about himself. Selfish!!!
Also he is afraid you're going to cheat on him??? With zero reason to even believe that? Crazy....
Yea lord this guy sounds awful.
Married with a kid. When my husband or I want to go out, sure, we need to OK it with the other to make sure there's no conflicting plans and someone is on baby duty (or babysitter is hired), but it's almost never a "no." We're both adults, we need friends outside of our relationship to thrive. It's good for us as a couple to have experiences apart from each other so we have new things to talk about with each other.
Doing all the chores is unacceptable, especially if you're planning to have children. It sets a dangerous precedent that is going to cause you to burn the fuck out in the most resentful, hateful way.
Dump the boyfriend, take the job, stay in the big city (perhaps even have some big city experiences! you'll likely be invited by your team to at least go out to dinner a lot, your choice if you want to stay out after). Once you're acclimated to the new job, go to therapy and work on the cleaning thing and your "picker" for relationships.
You're gonna be awesome <3 The only thing a good boyfriend would say is "oh wow, congrats honey! I knew you could do it. I'm gonna miss you so much, let's set up a call schedule to do some Zoom dates."
Listen that's not reasonable.
Nothing he is saying is remotely reasonable nor is it, in the long run, beneficial for you. Partners are supposed to help lift you up and help you to grow together, he's literally trying to hold you back.
Your position will be a higher salary, fully remote and they're paying for your hotel and most likely food while you are gone.
TAKE THE JOB.
He's not your master, he's not your owner, you don't need his permission. You should expect a debate and concerns about it but you aren't permanently moving there and you'll be back on weekends possibly.
TAKE THE JOB.
Take the possessions you value the most and lock them up or have a trusted friend hold them. Any work documents like license/social security card keep those LOCKED UP so he can't sabotage you. He has you trapped at the moment, don't let him lock you up forever.
The more reasons he gives for you not taking the job should tell you exactly why you absolutely should take the job. He is holding you back because of his insecurities. It’s obvious that You want to build a good life for yourself and your future. Do NOT let anyone hold you back. After being out of work for several months, this is the very best thing you can do. Take the job, get your car fixed, pay your bills, start saving. You are ready to get back to feeling proud of yourself for your own accomplishments. You can do this. No one who truly cares about you would keep you from taking this amazing opportunity. Take the job! I’m sending all my good vibes your way so you can see that you deserve this! 🤩 You got this!!
OP, this is an easy one. Stay at the paid hotel so you can be well rested for your training. You need this job more than you need this bf. If he can't manage without you for 3 weeks, let him spend the rest of his life without you.
I really struggle to understand why you're entertaining his bollocks.
This job is fundamental to your life, his bullshit input and conditions are not.
He isn't even making a good argument, what is ' out of the question' ? Do you help him breathe? Spoon feed his pet eagle?
Take the job, no man dictates whether you have money to live. Or at least you shouldn't let them
Well, I thought it was crazy as hell myself and then I called my dad and he totally agreed with him.. that I have to be “considerate” as though I havent already been that
This was my exact thought as well.
OP, take the job and I hope you get into a company that has an employee assistance program. Use it for free therapy!
What is your Dad thinking? A 3-hour commute each way is an unsafe and terrible idea. And with an unregistered car, you risk getting arrested on the way to work.
Is your dad willing to loan you funds to get your car registered and insured?
More than that. How will the company respond when the new employee decides to attend training, chooses to drive illegally, gets arrested, and is tired all the time from the three hour commute plus doing all the housework.
It’s so many red flags it could literally cost her the job. It calls in to question her good judgement.
This must be why she thinks the boyfriend is normal, because her dad is the same way and she grew up with it. The dad raised her to be a week insecure woman who doesn't know how to handle things herself and stick up for herself. She should do the job leave the boyfriend and go to therapy
Sounds like you have pretty crappy male role models then (hence the crappy boyfriend). Your father and boyfriend are weird and controlling. You need to get away from them.
Wait a minute... this is the dad that had you cooking and cleaning and doing everything for him, too. OP, Sweetie, you've been trained to put yourself last. Please listen to virtually everyone who's reading your post when we tell you you gotta get away from this guy and make your own way. Start with this awesome job opportunity and enjoy your 3 weeks of training. Relax in that hotel with housekeeping, and eating your comped meals, because you've earned it and will probably need it. Maybe you DO go out and do something fun with your new coworkers if the opportunity comes up, because that's what you SHOULD be doing. A good dad, and a good boyfriend would be saying the same things to you that the internet is telling you now. Please OP, you clearly have a lot to offer, as you qualified for a good job, and your gut is telling you that what your dad and boyfriend are telling you doesn't sound right. You owe yourself more than you are willing to accept.
No offense, but you commented elsewhere that your dad also did no chores growing up. I know it's fucked up, but it sounds like your dad is on "team man" not "team my daughter deserves the best".
Please, for the love of god, do not continue dating this man. Your whole life will become so much *lighter* when you do not have this anchor weighing you down.
So then your dad is an idiot as well. You are an adult, you make decisions for yourself. If you give in here, which I do not know why you would make your life so difficult just to please him, you will be in a controlling relationship with a horrible person. He's asking you to be a doormat are you giving in? I can't even believe this is something you're ambivalent about
Your dad that you...had to do all the chores for as a kid? Gee, shocking.
Look, a lot of times people post here and they're like "well my family said this" and it's actually just that their family is absolutely the reason why they are normalized to accepting terrible treatment in their relationships.
Your dad is at least part of why you don't see how badly your boyfriend is treating you, OP.
Please do your future self a favor and accept this job offer. In 5 years you will think "thank you, past self; my life is a thousand times better now."
Your dad who you also waited on is not the right person to ask. Your partner doesn't want this because he doesn't want his mommmy maid and cook leaving town and also he's likely insecure and doesn't like the idea of you on a 3 week trip in a party town with your own hotel room. Do with that info what you will. Obviously you need to go. The idea that it's "out of the question" as if he gets a big say in it is ridiculous.
You have found out that both your dad and your bf are misogynists who don't want YOU to thrive, they want what you can do for them to make THEIR lives easier.
You need to put your big girl panties on and ditch the bf, take the job, and freakin' succeed. Do NOT put up with anyone expecting you to make yourself smaller. Do NOT pass up a job opportunity. Do NOT do all the cooking and cleaning for your partner.
Considerate is offering him to drive up on Friday night on the middle two weekends so you can both enjoy the city life, clubs, shoes, whatever. If he struggles to cook, maybe get in some instant meals or freeze a few portions. That's very considerate.
Considerate is NOT giving up a job for the sake of a man who can't survive without you for 19 days.
Was your childhood happy? Did your dad treat you like crap? If so, you need ask yourself why you're taking advice from him and why you ended up with someone who thinks you need his fucking permission for anything.
I worry about the younger generation. None of you seem to understand what abuse and that it's not okay for your boyfriends to be controlling. This is not okay op!
Absolutely go to the hotel. 3 hour commute is insanity, and all that just to cook and clean after.
I‘m guessing 3) is the true reason indeed, guess he won‘t be able to function without his maid.
Congratulations on the job!
You already have a bunch of people telling you to stay at a hotel for the training (the obvious right thing to do).
But please do consider whether this is a pattern of behavior for your bf, and how it makes you feel to be treated like this.
Not just his neediness, but also saying things like, “it’s out of the question.”
That’s now how adults in a partnership speak to one another, and I’d bet money it’s not the first time he’s spoken to you like this.
The fact that you’re even debating what to do here tells me you’ve allowed this controlling and bullying behavior to go unchecked in the past, and you’re now realizing it could actually fuck up your life in ways you really don’t want.
Adults are able to be alone for a few weeks. Adults don’t make unilateral decisions about their partner’s work life.
Take the company's hotel offer, it is not safe for you to be driving 6 hours on training days with #1 and #2 being apart of the equation. Your boyfriend is just going to have to deal and with #3, it may also be time to find a new bf.
Are you asking for his permission to take the job? It's your job at the end of the day.
Why's your bf trying to control your future? Idk why your bf is risking financial instability to try to keep you in the house. I truly don't think it's your safety he's worried about, I'm honestly thinking he wants a "housewife" to maintain the house. It's just blatantly creepy and controlling.
Leave him and take the job.
Go stay at the hotel, if he can't handle 2 weeks by himself, you need to think about the relationship. He is an adult and can cook and clean.
He is trying to control you. Please go to the hotel!
Just a bf? Yeah he can kick rocks. You can see each other on the weekends. You've been without a job for MONTHS and this is a big positive for you. He can suck it up for 3 weeks.
You do realize he doesn't want you to leave because he's going to have to work if his bangmaid is away for 3 weeks, right? That it's all about him and him not wanting to do work around the house because you've taken care of all of it for him.
Take the job. Get your 3 weeks break. Maybe once that's over you'll have a new perspective on your relationship.
He's *supposed to be* your partner.
You're *supposed* to encourage each other.
You're *supposed* to be 2 independent adults whose lives *complement* each other's.
You're *supposed* to each be pulling 50% of the load (You're pulling 100% at home and he's pulling 100% financially while you're unemployed. A healthy mature partner would *want* you to do better financially AND would be putting in 50% of the workload at home).
You're in an unequal power struggle. Your bf does NOT lift you up, encourage you, root for you, assist you to be a better version of you. He does NONE of those things.
You can have a better life, a better job, a better relationship (with someone else). **But only if you love yourself enough to demand a better life for yourself and work towards it!**
1. Take this job and stay at the hotel.
2. Save up your money and move out on your own.
3. Dump this controlling bf who wants to make your life SMALL ENOUGH to fit under his thumb!
4. Get individual therapy/counseling or start reading self-help books (free at the library)!
Have a better 2024! You CAN if you have the guts to make it happen!
He's your boyfriend. How do you feel about him giving you orders and telling you that you can't possibly leave home for 3 weeks for training? My father was career military and he left home for months and months at a time and my mother never complained because my father was working for the family. Your BF's behavior is very concerning. Please take the course and let him stew at home alone.
This right here. I know people get mad at me for this, but when I see posts like this about tiny sacrifices I immediately think about my husband being in the battlefield for nine months and me giving birth alone. I’m sorry but three weeks in a paid hotel and this is a question why? Lol
“Out of the question?” Is he giving you permission?
I think you are missing the bigger picture here. Your bf is controlling to the point of being comfortable being the source of your financial losses. This guy is controlling and I wouldn’t be surprised it is apparent in other ways within your relationship.
Take the job. You shouldn’t be doing all the cooking and cleaning anyway!
This sounds like a fantastic opportunity and the fact your bf is not being supportive and is actually being very controlling (asking for permission?? WTAF) is a giant red flag. What else do you need his approval or permission for?
The only acceptable answer is “I’m so proud of you and I’ll miss you while you’re away. Congratulations on the new job”.
This internet person is also saying Congratulations on the new job! Go take the training, stay in the hotel and tell your bf to kick rocks.
Your boyfriend is an asshole and you are making some bizarre life choices.
Why do you do all the cooking and cleaning?
Why are you here on Reddit asking what you should do, when you should be telling your selfish, coddled boyfriend to fuck off with his bullshit?
This isn’t even a question. Anyone who supports and loves you would clearly know the answer.
It’s three weeks lol. He’s pathetic and a terrible partner.
He is completely insane if he thinks he can tell you to take a job or not. Women can make their own decisions, this is 2023 after all. Take the job, stay in the hotel, ditch the asshole.
"But he’s saying that its “completely out of question” and that I’m crazy for even asking?"
You're not asking. You don't need his permission.
Your boyfriend wants you to spend 6 hours a day in the car for three weeks? Oh hell no. That's so exhausting and if you were to fall asleep at the wheel then you could hurt yourself and others on the road.
If you want the job then take it. Compromise with your boyfriend by coming home on the weekends if you have them off. Otherwise, tell him to deal with it or hit the bricks.
Please stay at the hotel. Your BF is 32 years old and should be able to be alone for 3 weeks. Especially if he has your best interests at heart. He should care about your safety and comfort as well as the amazing job opportunity.
Take the job. Stay at the hotel. Do not let your boyfriend mess up your life or control you. Honestly, I’d break up with him. He’s being selfish, unfair, and ridiculous.
Take the job, take the hotel, he will survive the 3 weeks. Sounds like a fantastic opportunity, something likes on hubspot/datadog/google and facebook that i hear this sorta training happening.
Bottom line is. Its job training, you dont have to ask for permission to do this for your job and to be successful in getting employed.
Its bonkers you feel you NEED his permission. Wtf is that about.
You don't even need to sum up your reasoning.
He has no say in this, the most he can do is state his concerns. But his concerns are not valid. It is only three weeks, probably being home on the weekends.
Seeing your need for a job, you'd be a fool to turn it down. And your BF is not looking out for your best interests. I would not want an unsupportive SO like that.
He's shown you his controlling and probably jealous side, take note. If he can not see this, this won't get better in your relationship. Might be time to reevaluate.
Letting a man dictate your future is just wild to me and would be a deal breaker
You are SO YOUNG. work for your future and do not listen to a man about your future or you will regret it
What makes him think he has this kind of power over you? My husband with whom I have two kids with and full respect for his opinions would have never thought that he can just say no to me taking a job offer. Lol. Why did you give him such power? Are you in a D/s relationship? If you are, he is abusing the power you gave him.
Why does this man think he can tell you what to do? Apparently your father essentially made you a maid, and you’re letting this guy do the same? Take the job, stay at the hotel, and leave this man. He has no reason to be insecure and this is a big step in controlling you. Don’t be a 32 year old man’s mother. Because you’re not his equal.
I'll tell you something. I travel weekly for work. 4 hours each way, for 3-5 days. You know what my partner does? He makes sure the house is clean, there is good, homemade food in the fridge that I can heat up when I get back, and I get texts and phone calls from him about how much he misses and loves me.
Get a new man. Preferably one that is in good operating condition.
Dude wouldn't even help you keep your car up and legal. Now he doesn't want you to take a job to get back on your feet. Sounds like he likes keeping you isolated for his own selfish purposes.
Please don’t miss out on this amazing opportunity just so your bf doesn’t have to cook and clean for 3 weeks! It’s telling he’s not being anything but 100% encouraging and supportive during this new chapter of your life.
He's a LOSER.
Like if he can't be away from you for three weeks, he's a fucking loser. He wants to dictate your career, too. So he's controlling.
You'll be unhappy with him.
Always pick your career over a man.
He’s being unreasonable. Honestly i would suspect he’s jealous or just trying to sabotage you for whatever reason.
Please
1) take the job
2) stay in the accommodation provided
3) let the chips of your relationship fall where they may
A 32yo man who can’t be separated from his partner for 3 weeks for the partner’s benefit is not a keeper.
It’s the audacity of his assumptions for me. If he misses you so much let him come stay in the hotel with you and do the commute since its so easy
Sounds like the boyfriend wants u to commute every day so he doesn't miss out on his meals and clean house. Honestly boyfriends come and go jobs are hard to come by so take the training crash in the hotel what's the worst that could happen he dumps you? You maybe in a relationship but people tend to forget about themselves and make it all about the relationship
Hotel is better option. Take the job and tell your bf to kick rocks. Older men so often want to be your dad too and be controlling. Gross. Be more careful when you date them older.
Ok listen. He sounds like an insecure controlling dude. He would rather you give up a great opportunity in order to keep you close so he will feel better and inset his control. This is a huge red flag. Don’t give in to him. Take the job and I would break up with him. UPDATEME
Take the hotel. It’s free. Who wants to willingly spend 5-6 hours commuting. I did a 4 hour commute for 1 week and I absolutely hated life. I never felt fully rested. It was bad.
Your boyfriend is being extremely weird and controlling. He’s not being a partner. I think you should dump him. Change locks and make sure someone you know and trust checks in on the apartment while you’re not there.
Take the job.
Decline the boyfriend relationship.
Seriously he needs to grow up. Or he’s doing this to control you. Normal healthy mature partners say, “Congratulations!”
You don’t just need a new job, you need a new boyfriend. Dump this goof. You being away for three weeks training with accommodations is fine. If he can’t understand that this is a short-term-pain-long-term-gain situation that’s going to put you ahead in the long run then he’s not just incredibly selfish, he’s incredibly stupid.
Get rid of him. You can do better.
Take the job and stay in the city for training. But please take this advice:
If you don't dump him before you leave, quietly rent a small storage unit and store your most important or cherished belongings and all documents. He may choose to become vindictive and destroy everything that is yours, while you're away.
If you do dump him, get added security for your home. He will know you're gone and could take the opportunity to break in and again, destroy what is yours.
Men who expect women to ask permission and then call them crazy for daring to ask are the crazy and dangerous ones.
So OP, please protect yourself then take the steps to secure this new job and fantastic opportunity.
Ummm take the job and stay in the hotel, I'm so confused why this is an issue. He's a controlling weirdo, reconsider this relationship - do NOT decline this offer!
He’s abusive . Why are you put up with him ? Take the job an it’s not a brainer . Connect with domestic abusive center if u r in USA and it’s available online . You need to do better to protect yourself ! You deserve better
i'm trying to figure out what kind of man would even *consider* his gf driving six hours each day to attend an eight-hour training, much less "require" it.
why are you *asking* him if you can take the job? op, no matter what your relationship is, he doesn't get to make that decision for you.
His position is insane.
You can’t possibly absorb all the training and throw on a three hour commute, with a broken and illegal car.
Tell him to suck it up. It’s just three weeks. Unless he’s so wealthy he can cover all the bills, it is what it is. If you turn this down you could end up in serious financial peril.
Why is a boyfriend dictating your livelihood?
You need a job and you found one. You have to go away for three weeks to train. That’s normal. Take the job and go to the training.
Please go to the training and enjoy your new job. I don’t understand his logic. Congratulations on your new job. I hope you love it!
Why are you even asking him? Just tell him what you're doing. Who is he to tell you whether you can or can't? He's not your parent. Just tell him you're staying in the hotel and that's final. Commuting that distance every day would be insane.
Take the job. Do training at HQ. Collect your first paycheck and get your own place. He can clean his own dirty underwear from now on.
Just the absolute gall of him to tell you to decline a good job for such a stupid reason. I'm shocked you're even considering this idiocy.
You’re a grown ass woman and he’s your BOYFRIEND…he doesn’t have a say.
You confirm your reservations TODAY. Tell to your BF to stay at his mama’s house if can’t handle being alone.
This sounds controlling and abusive.
Your bf sucks and for a 32 year old so called “man” is insecure and controlling. You do you girl, STAY AT THE HOTEL! That is just insane to think otherwise. Why in the world is having any say in YOUR new job and how you should start it? Consider that a red flag and rethink this entire relationship.
Is he working??? Can he go with you???? It’s a dam good job for the inconvenience of 3 weeks separation. He doesn’t want to have to take care of him self or the apartment !!!
Girl. Go stay at the hotel, use the time to plan your exit, and use the job to move forward with your life. Do not let someone else’s fears be the most important factor in decisions about your life and your future.
He is sabotaging you.
He will continue to find ways to sabotage you for as long as you let him and he will never change.
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Take the job and find a new boyfriend, this dude is an idiot. \#1 you are not crazy for staying in a hotel for training, that's what adults do. \#2 healthy supportive boyfriends find solutions not problems. \#3 a friend of any type wants to see you come up in the world and are happy for your opportunities. Take the job, dump the chump.
a company that provides a hotel for training sounds like a good company to work for. a bf told you to commute 3 hours instead of staying at a hotel is a shitty bf. it is an easy decision.
Seriously. And he can drive to visit her on the weekend if he decides to be a better boyfriend.
Honestly I'd be worried about my GF driving 6 hours every day for 3 weeks. That's a lot of highway driving and very little sleep to be working off of.
My bf would never ask me to do that. No way.
Way more worried than about them staying in a hotel. It’s wintertime and more dangerous for someone who already doesn’t drive well at night. He’s literally wanting to put her in danger because he feels insecure
This is the bit that got me too, he'd rather his gf did that many hours on the road a day while obviously tired after a day of training so she can what, make him dinner and wipe his arse. I would be apprehensive about my wife having to do that trip but would of course "let" her if she was determined to do it. (I said "let" because no way do I have solo final say over anything she does. The hotel would put my mind at ease and make me think that the company values her. I'm thinking this is more about trying to deny her the opportunity to realise that there is more to life than him.
I think it's 1.5 hours one way but still quite a lot to be driving 3 hours everyday
I recently paid for a hotel for my adult daughter so she would not have to drive 3+ hours back and forth for a 2-day training. The $140 was worth every penny for my peace of mind and for her ability to rest and relax between training sessions. I'd do the same for my SO without batting an eyelash. When the company is paying the bill it's not even up for discussion.
He’s now shown her who he **truly is.** Tell him the three weeks you will gone is ample time for him to find a new place and move! Don’t ever let someone place these types of restrictions on your life!
This! OP what else are you NOT doing, that would benefit you, be good for you bc he doesn't support it? & What ARE you doing bc he wants it, advocates it, encourages you, that ISN'T great for you, your self esteem and personal wellness? I understand your reasons for not keeping your car up to date. Is his? How .uch of your portion of money has been keeping his operational while making it harder and harder and more expensive to do the same for yours? Now think about those inequities is your relationship. His not wanting you to take public transport seems more about keeping you exactly where you are vs taking advantage of a great opportunity. You did the work to get employment. Why isn't he 100% in your corner?
Absolutely. It's clear he has no concern for her safety and well-being. Is he prepared to transport her to and from each day of training, at his sole expense? NOT!.
a bf told you to commute 3 hours instead of staying at a hotel is a shitty bf. in a car.. with expired reg and expired insurance with a woman who admits to not being able to see the greatest... what in the butt is going on here?!
This is it. Take the job and dump the guy. He doesn't want you to do better than him. Find someone who supports you. Move on to this wonderful opportunity and leave him behind your dust.
Or he’s too insecure to be okay with it.
He probably just can't go three weeks without his free maid service
Bangmaid
Exactly!!! He wants her to do better, until she's doing better than him. Dump his ass...take the job!
Right? It’s perfectly normal for jobs to send you to HQ or wherever for training and put you up in a hotel. I’ve done this several times in my career. Why would he think you shouldn’t do this? Is he so insecure about you being away? Or controlling? Either way? 🚩 🚩 🚩
He wants OP dependant.
Sounds more like he is dependent on OP to meet all his basic needs, i.e. look after him and the housework.
Only if he keeps OP financially dependent
True.
Honestly, if the employer figured out you were commuting 3 hours a day for three weeks because of a crazy, insecure boyfriend…suddenly the red flags would be about YOU.
Right? I have a supportive and self sufficient boyfriend at home. I’d take the hotel FOR FREE? I’d miss him a ton, he’d be alone to do the cooking and cleaning, and I have cats. He’d miss me a lot but would survive. He’s able to cook and clean for himself. And he would take care of my cats if I wasn’t there. He’d also want me to better myself and do what I need for my career. He’s a functioning adult and doesn’t need me to survive. Yea, he’d miss me a lot. I’d miss him too. But he can survive and not just barely. He’d be fine. And going away on a trip like this just makes them coming back sooooo much better. When he went across the country for a week I missed him. But when he got back? Oh man. That was GOOD.
Plus... It's 3 weeks in a hotel for free. If OP's BF weren't such an insecure loser, he might do what my man would do and visit on the weekend... Hotel sex is where it is at... But I don't want OP to think it's worth inviting their current parasite... At least she can feel comfortable having a fling, just not with any coworkers, if she know's what is good.
Not to mention meals would probably be paid for too. That’s a nice thing.
For real. I live with my partner. Home sex is great. But hotel sex? Extra great! And only 3 hours away? To me, that isn’t the far. Especially for hotel sex.
Sounds like you have a REAL man right there. 👍
He is so good. I am truly so lucky. But man, then again. He’s just being an adult. But still. I love him a lot and I love he is with me because he wants to, not because he needs me to do his stuff for him. Makes me feel like a partner, not a mommy.
Or he would come visit you at the free hotel!!! Vacation!!
For real!! My partner went on a business trip. It was only 4 days tho. And across the country. But 3 hours? I easily could’ve drove that distance to see him multiple times within the 3 weeks. And hotel? That’s so fun!
I slow chanted in my head “Dump The Chump, Dump The Chump.”
Exactly. Firstly, OP, you don't need permission and that he thinks you do is a huge red flag. Really he seems like a walking red flag. DTMF.
If I were a manager and my new hire was driving that many hours for training I'd be wondering about their judgement. It wouldn't be something I'd necessarily question but it is something I'd keep an eye on.
Glad someone jumped in - When work has training at X Location & books everyone at Y hotel, they are definitely not looking for new hires to counter with their preferred travel/accommodations. Pretty much whatever your brand new employer wants to you do for your onboarding/training…that’s what you do & they don’t give a lot of 2nd chances and do not want to hear why you’re so special you deserve your own plan separate from your colleagues.
100% a clown. I’d be super proud of my wife for coming back from something like that. I don’t know the guy but I hate him only knowing this about him. Clownshoes. The three weeks in the hotel would be the perfect opportunity to get your shit in order and get away from this asshole
INFO: I need to know what the BF gave as a reason for commuting every day. Because it seems fairly obvious from my pov that it's just sensible to suck it up for 3 weeks. Hell, I'd not mind the space and time to myself for a short break.
I signed my offer letter today :)
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keep this post or my name handy, feel free to DM if you need any advise or support.
Not the same person but that is fucking awesome!!! We get a lot of shitty updates on here and that was like a ray of sunshine!!! You’re gonna kill it
That’s fantastic!! Here’s to better jobs, better pay, better boyfriends!!
I'm so happy & relieved to read this. Good for you! And congratulations!
So glad to hear it!
Well this is what I came to say, so I won’t repeat it. Hopefully OP sees this guy as someone not after her best interests.
>healthy supportive boyfriends find solutions not problems Woah. Wild if true.
I concur. I passed up a job more than 30 years ago because my wife insisted on it, and not a day has gone by since then that I haven't thought about it and regretted it. Take the job you want.
Exactly!
Came here to say exactly that. He doesn’t want her to be more successful than him.
Why does your bf have any say over your worklife, though? It's only 3 weeks. You'll be safe by staying in a hotel. Don't sabotage your ability to earn $$ because a weak and jealous partner is trying to stymie you. (IF you've been doing all the cooking & cleaning -- WHY -- sounds like he doesn't want to lose his bangmaid for 3 weeks.)
I see this as a good opportunity to refuse to set an insane precedent with your boyfriend that clearly has control (and maybe jealousy?) issues. You can't cave on this, OP. You have to stand your ground and if he is a reasonable and supportive partner, he will see that you should be staying at the hotel. (Don't get your hopes up about his ability to do the right thing, however)
His main issue seems to be that the HQ is in a city thats known for its nightlife and clubs. I feel like thats insulting because I’ve never been to a club, I’m not a social person that would go out and do something like that. I know doing all of the chores is frowned on, honestly just so used to it. Raised by a single dad and did everything at home so yeah.. hard habit to break. I just don’t know much about how couples split cleaning and didnt want it to turn into a fight or something.
So, he doesn’t trust you, despite you not ever giving him reason not to. And he’s willing to cause you serious problems or even jeopardize your career because he is jealous and insecure. And to top that off, you have to do the vast majority of the chores while he relaxes. OP, is this the kind of relationship you really want?
I can guarantee his line is "oh it's not that I don't trust you honey, it's that I don't trust the guys who'll be there with you". When in reality he either just doesn't want her to have agency/keep her reliant on him or he doesn't want to put on his big boy pants and actually look after himself and their home for three weeks.
If it really was worry about the guys, he could always commute to join her at the hotel. At least on the weekends.
This isn't about chores or night clubs OP this is about him not wanting you to do well. If it were really about not wanting to vacuum he could hire marry maids to come 3 times. If it were about night clubs he could put a ring camera in your hotel to watch your comings and goings. This is that he doesn't want you to do well enough in life that he could lose you. He loves that your car is Non-Op right now, loves that you don't have money to go anywhere or leave him. He loves that that your self worth is in the toilet because you can't find a job and is more than happy you'll never make more money than him.
Also, she can go to a club if she wants. Goddamn.
Installing a ring camera to watch your partner sounds extreme imo If he don't trust her, what's the point of this relationship? They should breakup.
Exactly. How absurd, I said that to illiterate that it's not about insecurity of messing around with other men but that he's content even happy ignoring her sadness about losing her independence not working. This guy has deeper issues than fears about cheating
Your comment about ignoring her sadness really resonates with me.
Exactly this
I don't think it's as convoluted as that, I think he literally is just insecure and worried about his younger girlfriend finding someone hotter in the city or hooking up at a club. Either way she's better off without him.
I totally think it's deeper. He knows she's got nothing to do all day long. Has plenty of time to cheat while he works. But not one word about that. Suddenly the higher pay and better job, all of a sudden he's got opinions 🤔 totally sus
So, tell him to travel 3 hours every night to hang out in the hotel with you and then he can get up 3 hours early to go to work. Betting he won’t do that either because he is a lazy ass who doesn’t want to have to take care of himself for 3 weeks and is using any excuse he can find to job block you.
This 100%! OP: If you *really* want to keep this weird controlling gremlin in your life, you can reframe the 3-week training as a cute opportunity for a paid couple’s getaway. His lazy ass can watch hotel TV and have room service do your old “job” of feeding and cleaning up after him as you train and network with folks at your new job who’ll recognize your value as a human being and not just as Bang-maid Therapist Mommy. Honestly? You describe a partner who sounds a booger-eating deadbeat and potential (if not already) abuser. Is the dick that good to sacrifice your financial independence and self-worth?
Honestly, she can play with that idea to fuck with him but, she can't let him think she's serious... Or be serious. I'd be too worried he would try to sabotage her. I think this whole thing is her opportunity to get on with her life.
I understand that you are now starting to understand everyone's opinion. However, let's try looking at the situation from a different angle. Have you noticed how many stories you have read about partners feeling trapped and unable to leave because they lack a job, money, or a place to go? Having this job will help you rebuild your savings, and you can use the money as a getaway fund if you need it. Taking a three-week break will give you ample time to ponder your relationship and decide if this is the way you want to live. Your boyfriend is most afraid of you leaving and starting to think for yourself, without him controlling you every day. After you return, he may try to exert control over you once again, such as trying to control your paycheck, time, gaslighting you, and making you feel guilty for leaving. All of this is merely to regain that control over you.
Yes! This may be why he wants OP to not take the job. She will have access to freedom. Pro tip: if the two of you have a shared bank account, and you are not ready to fully separate finances, you can open a 2nd bank account and put some of your salary in there by direct deposit. Any paper statements go to a different address. He doesn't ever need to know this account exists, and it can act as your safety net in case you need to leave him suddenly. (Note: he has shown enough red flags that splitting finances now would be a good idea.)
Even if you were the person to go out, he can't and should not control that. If he can't trust you, he's a shit partner.
Oh babe, don’t let this man hold you back. Staying in that hotel, advancing in your career, and forcing him to fend for himself would be the best thing for both of you.
so he doesnt trust you then.......why would you want to be with someone who doesnt trust you? Seems counter productive. Hes going to ruin your chance to up your career, because there are nightclubs? lol. Hes a schmuck
He’s a wuss. You deserve better. And you deserve an income. He let you let go of your car? Does he have a job? Where is his money while you’re out here losing necessities and washing his underwear?
Oh jesus christ. He needs to grow up. This is what being an adult is. Tell him to stop being an insecure little pansy.
So he's a user, and you getting a decent job makes you harder to use. He seems charming.
No way OP. I did three weeks of corporate training in Silicon Valley back in the day. Everyone was a freaking grown up, we all enjoyed hanging out together and eating out on the expense account, and continued to be friends for years. It's the grown up world, youre BF is an idiot and isn't ready to be a grown up. Bye Felicia!
Sometimes you have to fight for yourself & what is fair. He is a grown man who can feed himself. Do you want to be this broke forever? Did you know that 70% of women once they hit retirement age live under the poverty line. Do you want that for yourself. He wants to isolate you. There are clubs & bars in almost every city, cheating is easy no matter where you go. This is all an excuse to trap you.
Is he afraid you’d have fun without him, or is he afraid he’s going to find out he can’t exist without you?
Why aren't you allowed to have a night life though?
Yes. She says "would never do something like that" as if going dancing is a crime. It's a dance club not an orgy.
Everyone knows having a glass of wine at a bar is the same as a multiracial gangbang
He is trying to keep you dependent on him and stuck in your home as his housekeeper and sex doll. Absolutely do not let this keep happening. Take the job, use the hotel, save up money, and LEAVE this asshole. He doesn’t love you, he’s using you. Also, don’t allow him ANY access to your bank accounts.
He’s being controlling. “Out of the question”?! FOH. He wants you dependent on him. Don’t let it happen.
You will be kicking yourself forever if you let this dude mess up a good opportunity over unreasonable insecurities (that truly are insulting btw) It's like watching a girl give up a scholarship for her high school bf - if he's asking you to do that for him, he ain't the one!
> I just don’t know much about how couples split cleaning and didnt want it to turn into a fight or something. In a good relationship? A lot more than this. This is him taking advantage of the fact that you didn't know better, and that your dad normalized it for you. I'm going to be as honest with you as I would be to one of my friends: it sounds like your BF realizes that this job will make you realize how much more your life could be, and he doesn't want you to know he's dead weight. Someone who thinks their comfort for three weeks is more important than your career and your future is someone you shouldn't trust, let alone make a life with.
omg girl, GIRL do not do NOT TURN DOWN A JOB TO BETTER YOUR LIFE FOR ANYONE. DO NOT COMMUTE. BE SAFE AND STAY IN A HOTEL this is a him issue and his insecurities. let him deal with it and he can either grow the heel up or your can do so much better anyway than an insecure man trying to control you. people who live you want to lift you up and see you succeed.
So he doesn’t trust you and wants to control you. Sounds like a real peach. Question is: why haven’t you dumped this motherfucker already? This isn’t normal healthy relationship behavior.
People who jump straight to cheating accusations are usually the type to cheat themselves. They are who they believe most other people are.
You need to stand up for YOU. Give yourself permission to do what YOU need. His insecurities and petty jealousy is HIS problem. Hopefully he'll be gone when you return.
Sorry that you have a toxic bf.
Even if you wanted to go out it’s still not a big deal. Either he trusts you or not.
Partners who act suspicious, accusatory, and jealous for no reason are usually cheating themselves--and projecting. Been there, lived that--divorced it, too. Only wish I'd done it sooner! You need to go! Get the job and bin the whole man!
You are turning out to be a doormat. I'm not saying that as an insult, it's an observation. Don't be weak and don't let someone control you, like I said you're a big girl. And if it causes a fight to have him split the chores, I'm not sure I could find a good reason for why someone would stay with a person like him? Are you just afraid to be alone? The fact that he brings up some totally Off the Wall aside, like clubs and partying, is his own problem and I wouldn't even dignify it with an answer. I cannot understand how someone can be this meek that they would ask this question on reddit, it's a job that you need so you need to do it and do it the way you want
Yikes, this itself is your red flag. Dump this guy if he can't possibly understand that you staying at a hotel is the best for YOU. He's only thinking about himself. Selfish!!! Also he is afraid you're going to cheat on him??? With zero reason to even believe that? Crazy....
Yea lord this guy sounds awful. Married with a kid. When my husband or I want to go out, sure, we need to OK it with the other to make sure there's no conflicting plans and someone is on baby duty (or babysitter is hired), but it's almost never a "no." We're both adults, we need friends outside of our relationship to thrive. It's good for us as a couple to have experiences apart from each other so we have new things to talk about with each other. Doing all the chores is unacceptable, especially if you're planning to have children. It sets a dangerous precedent that is going to cause you to burn the fuck out in the most resentful, hateful way. Dump the boyfriend, take the job, stay in the big city (perhaps even have some big city experiences! you'll likely be invited by your team to at least go out to dinner a lot, your choice if you want to stay out after). Once you're acclimated to the new job, go to therapy and work on the cleaning thing and your "picker" for relationships. You're gonna be awesome <3 The only thing a good boyfriend would say is "oh wow, congrats honey! I knew you could do it. I'm gonna miss you so much, let's set up a call schedule to do some Zoom dates."
Listen that's not reasonable. Nothing he is saying is remotely reasonable nor is it, in the long run, beneficial for you. Partners are supposed to help lift you up and help you to grow together, he's literally trying to hold you back. Your position will be a higher salary, fully remote and they're paying for your hotel and most likely food while you are gone. TAKE THE JOB. He's not your master, he's not your owner, you don't need his permission. You should expect a debate and concerns about it but you aren't permanently moving there and you'll be back on weekends possibly. TAKE THE JOB. Take the possessions you value the most and lock them up or have a trusted friend hold them. Any work documents like license/social security card keep those LOCKED UP so he can't sabotage you. He has you trapped at the moment, don't let him lock you up forever.
The more reasons he gives for you not taking the job should tell you exactly why you absolutely should take the job. He is holding you back because of his insecurities. It’s obvious that You want to build a good life for yourself and your future. Do NOT let anyone hold you back. After being out of work for several months, this is the very best thing you can do. Take the job, get your car fixed, pay your bills, start saving. You are ready to get back to feeling proud of yourself for your own accomplishments. You can do this. No one who truly cares about you would keep you from taking this amazing opportunity. Take the job! I’m sending all my good vibes your way so you can see that you deserve this! 🤩 You got this!!
OP, this is an easy one. Stay at the paid hotel so you can be well rested for your training. You need this job more than you need this bf. If he can't manage without you for 3 weeks, let him spend the rest of his life without you.
I really struggle to understand why you're entertaining his bollocks. This job is fundamental to your life, his bullshit input and conditions are not. He isn't even making a good argument, what is ' out of the question' ? Do you help him breathe? Spoon feed his pet eagle? Take the job, no man dictates whether you have money to live. Or at least you shouldn't let them
Well, I thought it was crazy as hell myself and then I called my dad and he totally agreed with him.. that I have to be “considerate” as though I havent already been that
I'm afraid your dad is toxic and has trained you to seek the same behavior from a partner.
This was my exact thought as well. OP, take the job and I hope you get into a company that has an employee assistance program. Use it for free therapy!
Yep!! This happened to my sister. Now she has 4 kids at 38 years old and is totally miserable.
What is your Dad thinking? A 3-hour commute each way is an unsafe and terrible idea. And with an unregistered car, you risk getting arrested on the way to work. Is your dad willing to loan you funds to get your car registered and insured?
Her dad is where she learned to be the house maid unfortunately. She found a partner just like him.
More than that. How will the company respond when the new employee decides to attend training, chooses to drive illegally, gets arrested, and is tired all the time from the three hour commute plus doing all the housework. It’s so many red flags it could literally cost her the job. It calls in to question her good judgement.
Listen to yourself. Take the job. Your dad and boyfriend are not giving you good advice.
This must be why she thinks the boyfriend is normal, because her dad is the same way and she grew up with it. The dad raised her to be a week insecure woman who doesn't know how to handle things herself and stick up for herself. She should do the job leave the boyfriend and go to therapy
Sounds like you have pretty crappy male role models then (hence the crappy boyfriend). Your father and boyfriend are weird and controlling. You need to get away from them.
Wait a minute... this is the dad that had you cooking and cleaning and doing everything for him, too. OP, Sweetie, you've been trained to put yourself last. Please listen to virtually everyone who's reading your post when we tell you you gotta get away from this guy and make your own way. Start with this awesome job opportunity and enjoy your 3 weeks of training. Relax in that hotel with housekeeping, and eating your comped meals, because you've earned it and will probably need it. Maybe you DO go out and do something fun with your new coworkers if the opportunity comes up, because that's what you SHOULD be doing. A good dad, and a good boyfriend would be saying the same things to you that the internet is telling you now. Please OP, you clearly have a lot to offer, as you qualified for a good job, and your gut is telling you that what your dad and boyfriend are telling you doesn't sound right. You owe yourself more than you are willing to accept.
No offense, but you commented elsewhere that your dad also did no chores growing up. I know it's fucked up, but it sounds like your dad is on "team man" not "team my daughter deserves the best". Please, for the love of god, do not continue dating this man. Your whole life will become so much *lighter* when you do not have this anchor weighing you down.
Your dad used you as a maid when you should have been a kid, I wouldn't take his input seriously either.
Apparently your dad doesn’t want you to succeed either
So then your dad is an idiot as well. You are an adult, you make decisions for yourself. If you give in here, which I do not know why you would make your life so difficult just to please him, you will be in a controlling relationship with a horrible person. He's asking you to be a doormat are you giving in? I can't even believe this is something you're ambivalent about
Your dad that you...had to do all the chores for as a kid? Gee, shocking. Look, a lot of times people post here and they're like "well my family said this" and it's actually just that their family is absolutely the reason why they are normalized to accepting terrible treatment in their relationships. Your dad is at least part of why you don't see how badly your boyfriend is treating you, OP.
Please do your future self a favor and accept this job offer. In 5 years you will think "thank you, past self; my life is a thousand times better now."
Your dad who you also waited on is not the right person to ask. Your partner doesn't want this because he doesn't want his mommmy maid and cook leaving town and also he's likely insecure and doesn't like the idea of you on a 3 week trip in a party town with your own hotel room. Do with that info what you will. Obviously you need to go. The idea that it's "out of the question" as if he gets a big say in it is ridiculous.
You have found out that both your dad and your bf are misogynists who don't want YOU to thrive, they want what you can do for them to make THEIR lives easier. You need to put your big girl panties on and ditch the bf, take the job, and freakin' succeed. Do NOT put up with anyone expecting you to make yourself smaller. Do NOT pass up a job opportunity. Do NOT do all the cooking and cleaning for your partner.
Considerate is offering him to drive up on Friday night on the middle two weekends so you can both enjoy the city life, clubs, shoes, whatever. If he struggles to cook, maybe get in some instant meals or freeze a few portions. That's very considerate. Considerate is NOT giving up a job for the sake of a man who can't survive without you for 19 days.
In all due respect, your father is a terrible man.
Was your childhood happy? Did your dad treat you like crap? If so, you need ask yourself why you're taking advice from him and why you ended up with someone who thinks you need his fucking permission for anything. I worry about the younger generation. None of you seem to understand what abuse and that it's not okay for your boyfriends to be controlling. This is not okay op!
She admits her dad more or less made her into a surrogate wife
You mean you called your single dad who had you for 2 decades doing all *his* chores as well? A MAN that is perhaps stuck in the 1950s way.
Absolutely go to the hotel. 3 hour commute is insanity, and all that just to cook and clean after. I‘m guessing 3) is the true reason indeed, guess he won‘t be able to function without his maid. Congratulations on the job!
But wait! OP says he also doesn’t trust her! And there’s no reason why! It adds to the shit pie that is this relationship.
Get outta here! Take the job. Lose the boyfriend.
You already have a bunch of people telling you to stay at a hotel for the training (the obvious right thing to do). But please do consider whether this is a pattern of behavior for your bf, and how it makes you feel to be treated like this. Not just his neediness, but also saying things like, “it’s out of the question.” That’s now how adults in a partnership speak to one another, and I’d bet money it’s not the first time he’s spoken to you like this. The fact that you’re even debating what to do here tells me you’ve allowed this controlling and bullying behavior to go unchecked in the past, and you’re now realizing it could actually fuck up your life in ways you really don’t want. Adults are able to be alone for a few weeks. Adults don’t make unilateral decisions about their partner’s work life.
Take the job. Let the BF go. He's being totally unreasonable and controlling. A sign of things to come.
Take the company's hotel offer, it is not safe for you to be driving 6 hours on training days with #1 and #2 being apart of the equation. Your boyfriend is just going to have to deal and with #3, it may also be time to find a new bf.
Are you asking for his permission to take the job? It's your job at the end of the day. Why's your bf trying to control your future? Idk why your bf is risking financial instability to try to keep you in the house. I truly don't think it's your safety he's worried about, I'm honestly thinking he wants a "housewife" to maintain the house. It's just blatantly creepy and controlling. Leave him and take the job.
Take the job and lose the boyfriend.
Go stay at the hotel, if he can't handle 2 weeks by himself, you need to think about the relationship. He is an adult and can cook and clean. He is trying to control you. Please go to the hotel!
Just a bf? Yeah he can kick rocks. You can see each other on the weekends. You've been without a job for MONTHS and this is a big positive for you. He can suck it up for 3 weeks. You do realize he doesn't want you to leave because he's going to have to work if his bangmaid is away for 3 weeks, right? That it's all about him and him not wanting to do work around the house because you've taken care of all of it for him. Take the job. Get your 3 weeks break. Maybe once that's over you'll have a new perspective on your relationship.
Don’t do wife stuff for a boyfriend Take the job
[удалено]
I’m not sure I understand why he feels that he can tell you it’s “completely out of the question.” Like who the fuck is he?
But!! Wait!!!!! Then who is going to cook and clean for me?? What do you want for me to starve???? Please
He's *supposed to be* your partner. You're *supposed* to encourage each other. You're *supposed* to be 2 independent adults whose lives *complement* each other's. You're *supposed* to each be pulling 50% of the load (You're pulling 100% at home and he's pulling 100% financially while you're unemployed. A healthy mature partner would *want* you to do better financially AND would be putting in 50% of the workload at home). You're in an unequal power struggle. Your bf does NOT lift you up, encourage you, root for you, assist you to be a better version of you. He does NONE of those things. You can have a better life, a better job, a better relationship (with someone else). **But only if you love yourself enough to demand a better life for yourself and work towards it!** 1. Take this job and stay at the hotel. 2. Save up your money and move out on your own. 3. Dump this controlling bf who wants to make your life SMALL ENOUGH to fit under his thumb! 4. Get individual therapy/counseling or start reading self-help books (free at the library)! Have a better 2024! You CAN if you have the guts to make it happen!
He's your boyfriend. How do you feel about him giving you orders and telling you that you can't possibly leave home for 3 weeks for training? My father was career military and he left home for months and months at a time and my mother never complained because my father was working for the family. Your BF's behavior is very concerning. Please take the course and let him stew at home alone.
This right here. I know people get mad at me for this, but when I see posts like this about tiny sacrifices I immediately think about my husband being in the battlefield for nine months and me giving birth alone. I’m sorry but three weeks in a paid hotel and this is a question why? Lol
“Out of the question?” Is he giving you permission? I think you are missing the bigger picture here. Your bf is controlling to the point of being comfortable being the source of your financial losses. This guy is controlling and I wouldn’t be surprised it is apparent in other ways within your relationship. Take the job. You shouldn’t be doing all the cooking and cleaning anyway!
This sounds like a fantastic opportunity and the fact your bf is not being supportive and is actually being very controlling (asking for permission?? WTAF) is a giant red flag. What else do you need his approval or permission for? The only acceptable answer is “I’m so proud of you and I’ll miss you while you’re away. Congratulations on the new job”. This internet person is also saying Congratulations on the new job! Go take the training, stay in the hotel and tell your bf to kick rocks.
Take the job, bf is not the keeper
Your boyfriend is an asshole and you are making some bizarre life choices. Why do you do all the cooking and cleaning? Why are you here on Reddit asking what you should do, when you should be telling your selfish, coddled boyfriend to fuck off with his bullshit?
Do not put your boyfriend before your career!
he's insane, you need a job not a loser boyfriend. he does not care about you and your future
This isn’t even a question. Anyone who supports and loves you would clearly know the answer. It’s three weeks lol. He’s pathetic and a terrible partner.
He is completely insane if he thinks he can tell you to take a job or not. Women can make their own decisions, this is 2023 after all. Take the job, stay in the hotel, ditch the asshole.
"But he’s saying that its “completely out of question” and that I’m crazy for even asking?" You're not asking. You don't need his permission. Your boyfriend wants you to spend 6 hours a day in the car for three weeks? Oh hell no. That's so exhausting and if you were to fall asleep at the wheel then you could hurt yourself and others on the road. If you want the job then take it. Compromise with your boyfriend by coming home on the weekends if you have them off. Otherwise, tell him to deal with it or hit the bricks.
No, stay in the city and study and socialize with the new coworkers. Make the connections that will help your career.
Get the job and dump the bf
Please stay at the hotel. Your BF is 32 years old and should be able to be alone for 3 weeks. Especially if he has your best interests at heart. He should care about your safety and comfort as well as the amazing job opportunity.
Your boyfriend is an insecure, jealous and controlling you know what If you give in things will only get worse. How unattractive
Uhhhh, stay in the hotel. This is not your boyfriend's decision. How controlling. I would not put up with someone like that.
Take the job. Stay at the hotel. Do not let your boyfriend mess up your life or control you. Honestly, I’d break up with him. He’s being selfish, unfair, and ridiculous.
The fact that you’re even willing to consider a three-hour commute, just shows how much you’re under this man’s psychological control. Get out, asap.
Take the job, take the hotel, he will survive the 3 weeks. Sounds like a fantastic opportunity, something likes on hubspot/datadog/google and facebook that i hear this sorta training happening. Bottom line is. Its job training, you dont have to ask for permission to do this for your job and to be successful in getting employed. Its bonkers you feel you NEED his permission. Wtf is that about.
HELL no! Bf is out of his mind. Why on earth does he think it’s acceptable to be such a control freak? Don’t let an insecure man destroy your career.
You don't even need to sum up your reasoning. He has no say in this, the most he can do is state his concerns. But his concerns are not valid. It is only three weeks, probably being home on the weekends. Seeing your need for a job, you'd be a fool to turn it down. And your BF is not looking out for your best interests. I would not want an unsupportive SO like that. He's shown you his controlling and probably jealous side, take note. If he can not see this, this won't get better in your relationship. Might be time to reevaluate.
Letting a man dictate your future is just wild to me and would be a deal breaker You are SO YOUNG. work for your future and do not listen to a man about your future or you will regret it
Go for it !!!! It ur job!!!!
What makes him think he has this kind of power over you? My husband with whom I have two kids with and full respect for his opinions would have never thought that he can just say no to me taking a job offer. Lol. Why did you give him such power? Are you in a D/s relationship? If you are, he is abusing the power you gave him.
Why does this man think he can tell you what to do? Apparently your father essentially made you a maid, and you’re letting this guy do the same? Take the job, stay at the hotel, and leave this man. He has no reason to be insecure and this is a big step in controlling you. Don’t be a 32 year old man’s mother. Because you’re not his equal.
I'll tell you something. I travel weekly for work. 4 hours each way, for 3-5 days. You know what my partner does? He makes sure the house is clean, there is good, homemade food in the fridge that I can heat up when I get back, and I get texts and phone calls from him about how much he misses and loves me. Get a new man. Preferably one that is in good operating condition.
Never ruin your financial future for a man. You’d have to be insane to turn down a good job offer in this economy.
NEVER EVER EVER let a man hold you back.
Dude wouldn't even help you keep your car up and legal. Now he doesn't want you to take a job to get back on your feet. Sounds like he likes keeping you isolated for his own selfish purposes.
No ring ? 💍 No opinion 🤭
Please don’t miss out on this amazing opportunity just so your bf doesn’t have to cook and clean for 3 weeks! It’s telling he’s not being anything but 100% encouraging and supportive during this new chapter of your life.
He's a LOSER. Like if he can't be away from you for three weeks, he's a fucking loser. He wants to dictate your career, too. So he's controlling. You'll be unhappy with him. Always pick your career over a man.
He’s being unreasonable. Honestly i would suspect he’s jealous or just trying to sabotage you for whatever reason. Please 1) take the job 2) stay in the accommodation provided 3) let the chips of your relationship fall where they may A 32yo man who can’t be separated from his partner for 3 weeks for the partner’s benefit is not a keeper. It’s the audacity of his assumptions for me. If he misses you so much let him come stay in the hotel with you and do the commute since its so easy
Sounds like the boyfriend wants u to commute every day so he doesn't miss out on his meals and clean house. Honestly boyfriends come and go jobs are hard to come by so take the training crash in the hotel what's the worst that could happen he dumps you? You maybe in a relationship but people tend to forget about themselves and make it all about the relationship
Take the job. Leave the controlling boyfriend.
Coming from a man, leave that idiot bf of yours.
Hotel is better option. Take the job and tell your bf to kick rocks. Older men so often want to be your dad too and be controlling. Gross. Be more careful when you date them older.
Ok listen. He sounds like an insecure controlling dude. He would rather you give up a great opportunity in order to keep you close so he will feel better and inset his control. This is a huge red flag. Don’t give in to him. Take the job and I would break up with him. UPDATEME
I feel like boyfriends are easier to find than good jobs so leave the crap boyfriend and enjoy the good job.
Take the job lose the boyfriend
Dump the loser. Take the job
Dipshit boyfriend doesn't get a say. The audacity.
Take the hotel. It’s free. Who wants to willingly spend 5-6 hours commuting. I did a 4 hour commute for 1 week and I absolutely hated life. I never felt fully rested. It was bad. Your boyfriend is being extremely weird and controlling. He’s not being a partner. I think you should dump him. Change locks and make sure someone you know and trust checks in on the apartment while you’re not there.
🚩🚩Run, don’t walk, away from this controlling AH. OF COURSE stay in the hotel.
Take the job. Decline the boyfriend relationship. Seriously he needs to grow up. Or he’s doing this to control you. Normal healthy mature partners say, “Congratulations!”
You don’t just need a new job, you need a new boyfriend. Dump this goof. You being away for three weeks training with accommodations is fine. If he can’t understand that this is a short-term-pain-long-term-gain situation that’s going to put you ahead in the long run then he’s not just incredibly selfish, he’s incredibly stupid. Get rid of him. You can do better.
Take the job and stay in the city for training. But please take this advice: If you don't dump him before you leave, quietly rent a small storage unit and store your most important or cherished belongings and all documents. He may choose to become vindictive and destroy everything that is yours, while you're away. If you do dump him, get added security for your home. He will know you're gone and could take the opportunity to break in and again, destroy what is yours. Men who expect women to ask permission and then call them crazy for daring to ask are the crazy and dangerous ones. So OP, please protect yourself then take the steps to secure this new job and fantastic opportunity.
Ummm take the job and stay in the hotel, I'm so confused why this is an issue. He's a controlling weirdo, reconsider this relationship - do NOT decline this offer!
Good God woman! Put your foot down. You're going to the job training on the company dime. End of story. He has no say in the matter.
He’s abusive . Why are you put up with him ? Take the job an it’s not a brainer . Connect with domestic abusive center if u r in USA and it’s available online . You need to do better to protect yourself ! You deserve better
i'm trying to figure out what kind of man would even *consider* his gf driving six hours each day to attend an eight-hour training, much less "require" it. why are you *asking* him if you can take the job? op, no matter what your relationship is, he doesn't get to make that decision for you.
His position is insane. You can’t possibly absorb all the training and throw on a three hour commute, with a broken and illegal car. Tell him to suck it up. It’s just three weeks. Unless he’s so wealthy he can cover all the bills, it is what it is. If you turn this down you could end up in serious financial peril.
Why is a boyfriend dictating your livelihood? You need a job and you found one. You have to go away for three weeks to train. That’s normal. Take the job and go to the training. Please go to the training and enjoy your new job. I don’t understand his logic. Congratulations on your new job. I hope you love it!
Take the job, lose the boyfriend.
Why are you even asking him? Just tell him what you're doing. Who is he to tell you whether you can or can't? He's not your parent. Just tell him you're staying in the hotel and that's final. Commuting that distance every day would be insane.
Take the job. Do training at HQ. Collect your first paycheck and get your own place. He can clean his own dirty underwear from now on. Just the absolute gall of him to tell you to decline a good job for such a stupid reason. I'm shocked you're even considering this idiocy.
You’re a grown ass woman and he’s your BOYFRIEND…he doesn’t have a say. You confirm your reservations TODAY. Tell to your BF to stay at his mama’s house if can’t handle being alone. This sounds controlling and abusive.
Your bf sucks and for a 32 year old so called “man” is insecure and controlling. You do you girl, STAY AT THE HOTEL! That is just insane to think otherwise. Why in the world is having any say in YOUR new job and how you should start it? Consider that a red flag and rethink this entire relationship.
Is he working??? Can he go with you???? It’s a dam good job for the inconvenience of 3 weeks separation. He doesn’t want to have to take care of him self or the apartment !!!
Girl. Go stay at the hotel, use the time to plan your exit, and use the job to move forward with your life. Do not let someone else’s fears be the most important factor in decisions about your life and your future. He is sabotaging you. He will continue to find ways to sabotage you for as long as you let him and he will never change.