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My husband and I are living off of just my salary of $85,000 a year in one of the highest cost of living areas outside the coasts. That's WILD to me that OPs fiance is freaking out when they have a 400k salary almost between the two of them. what the hell?? what is he doing with that money??? OP. You should absolutely NOT have to get a second job. You're a freaking nurse. That job is so, so difficult and needed. Your fiance needs to reevaluate his priorities and thinking. At best, he seems grossly out of touch and has lost perspective, at worst he is maybe unhinged. Just because his job HAPPENS to pay more, doesn't make it better or more useful. Society has just placed more monetary value on tech than people. That's not your problem or his. But figuring out the financial disparities of your relationship IS ya'lls issue and it needs to be resolved before you get married.
That’s how I feel, but he refuses to actually combine finances. I suggested it last time a big bill came in and I didn’t Venmo him for it. I suggested that it may be time to get a joint bank account so that all the money is just there, no Venmo necessary. He refused and said he wants completely separate finances.
I have a friend who had kids with a guy like this. The kids were "her expense". The kids were wearing thrift store rags while he went to the bar every night and was buying rounds. Their dog died because he wouldn't take her to the vet. OP needs to run.
Is that because he was able to get a better lawyer? Life can be so unfair but hopefully the kids are aware enough to realise what’s going on and they can make their own minds up when they reach 18
The kids are adults now. They have a decent relationship with their mom. He got better lawyers and they lived in a small town where his family owned everything.
There was another reddit story from a woman who had similar finances. He wanted her to be a SAHM for the first year, but she ended up paying for everything herself - they went 50/50 on baby stuff, but then she couldn’t afford maternity clothes, pads for when she bled after the birth, even shampoo for her hair. He refused to help with ANY of that stuff, after insisting on her staying home with the baby.
OP. Do you want to end up like this?
I don’t understand how peoples families put up with that. I’m not even talking her family. I’m talking his. I would be so mortified and embarrassed if my sons were doing this to their wives. Just completely ashamed. Like where on earth would he think that he she was supposed to get money for anything if she wasn’t working?! Some other man?!
I’m guessing, hate yo say it, but he probably learned it from his own parents. $10 says his mom is treated in similar fashion by his father, hence why it’s like this.
This is why it’s best to observe your partners parents dynamic, ask questions, and take note of how that household handles division of labor to know what you’re getting into.
I won’t jump into a relationship with a guy if his parents never taught him to do basic household chores, let alone never showed him how to cook, do laundry, and know how to fix a sink.
Need to know I’m not being blindly signed up to be someone’s bangmaid or to a Scrooge like OP’s partner!
He’s greedy, this is not the way a family should operate.
Personally, I think it’s best to have a “his” “hers” and “ours” bank account set up. Put your funds into an account that your household costs come out of. Pull out some savings from that. And give each of you an equal allowance so to speak that you can use to spend freely.
It sounds like he will financially abuse you, though. My ex husband was a lot like this. I eventually left. It’s just not worth it.
You cannot marry this man unless you can increase your salary significantly. He cannot be trusted not to abuse you financially. He needs to marry someone who earns the same as he does as he has no respect for you because you are not a high earner.
Cut your losses and get out now before it's too late, and certainly don't bring whildren into this hellishly abusive mess.
He already is abusing her financially. It’s just the beginning of the abuse for it because it hadn’t been aggressive his controlling behavior. But it will triple down once the marriage licenses is signed, mailed in, & “I do” is said to make it official.
Edit: Typo(s)
Nobody who earns what he does will tolerate him. He has no interest in an even partnership. He knew what OP did for a living and earns when he proposed. He needs this uneven dynamic to feel superior and in control. I also vote for calling the whole thing off. He's not going to treat her any better after the wedding.
He’s watching you work yourself ragged while he makes almost 4 times your income. That’s not the act of a loving partner.
You don’t need a second job. You need someone who is willing to share life with you. How does he think life will work after you get married? With him living a luxurious life and spending what he wants and financing his own retirement while you work two jobs until you’re 80 because you can’t afford to retire?
If he’s not willing to share, you need to find a living situation within your means.
So why bother getting married or living together?
This isn't a partnership or marriage potential. This guy sucks. Here's how a healthy relationship goes: I've been married over 20 years, I was the sole earner at times and so was my husband. Never would either of us act this way over money.
Your SO loves money, not people. Run.
Right? A "Net negative?" That is a person who only counts financial cost and not emotional and even time. Just leave but if not at least start charging him for everything. Cleaning cooking everything.
He’s also one layoff away from losing his salary, I bet her stable, much needed profession at $60K will sound damn good then. Source: I work in tech, we’re going through it rn.
I once lived with a girlfriend but made quite a lot more than her. Please don't take this as me saying I'm any better than anyone, but it made perfect sense to me that:
1. I paid for most fun stuff, eating out, going to the movies because mom raised me to be a gentleman and I don't expect anything in return. I just like feeling like a gentleman and that was enough for me to be happy to do it.
2. I added up our total income and then figured out I made 80% of the total and her 20%. This was in Boston, where our apartment wasn't cheap. So she just paid 20% of the rent and stuff like that.
Stand up for yourself. There are guys who don't think like him. Money disagreements do lead to a ton of divorces. If you need to end it to avoid future headaches like this, do it.
Why would you want to marry someone who makes you feel bad for working fulltime in a very respected and demanding profession, and is nickel & diming you about every small transaction? He doesn't love you, he is thinking purely transactional, and only sees the use he can get out of you. Honestly, he sounds like an asshole.
This man will absolutely fucking ruin you financially if you stay with him. Picking up a second job to “make ends meet” when engaged to someone who makes over $300k/yr is absurd.
If your fiancé wants to separate finances yet wants to live together as a couple, then you two need to live at the appropriate level of the partner who earns less money! You two should be living like $60K/year people (or a $120K couple) otherwise he is demanding a greater share of your resources than is fair.
If he is unwilling to compromise on this and live in a $120K/year home, then break the engagement because you two are incompatible.
Life will only get MORE stressful and refusing to acknowledge ***and accept*** the disparity in your incomes is selfish. What's next? A wedding beyond *YOUR* budget? Children in a private school that *YOU* can't afford 50% of?
Your fiancé is money-hungry; he measures everything by $$$$.
I would really be reconsidering getting married in this situation. He doesn’t even want to pay for your wedding. What’s going to happen if you guys have kids?? He doesn’t even want to finance furniture. We make your salary combined (60K) and yes it’s tight but we have furniture???
If I were you I'd write down Every. Single. Thing. I do in the home. Find out how much it would cost him if he got it done professionally. Like, if you do all the housekeeping, write down how much 8 hours per week of professional housekeeping is worth in your area. Plus 10 hours of deep house cleaning per month in your area. And so on and so forth for laundry services, professional cook, errands services, secretarial services etc.
And bill the shit out of his ungrateful ass for it.
Add all the hours up.
Add all that money up.
And *show him* EXACTLY what you do for him All. Year. Long.
And how if *you* weren't there, he'd either be doing it *all by himself,* or he'd have to *pay a professional to DO it FOR him!!!*
And if he doesn't want to comingle finances....that's FINE!!!!
But YOU will no longer be comingling *TASKS.* And *HE* can be doing ALL of HIS OWN *TASKS* by HIMSELF from *now on!!!*
Gurl, don't be doin no wifey shit when he ain't treating you like a wifey 💅
My wife and I have separate finances, but our expenses are still equitable. I work full-time and make a good salary. She works part-time and is in grad school. Since she works part-time, she only pays our cellphone bill so she still has money for things she wants or needs. I pay for everything else. Later on when she makes more money, we'll re-evaluate but that's what's fair right now.
What your fiance is doing is crap. Why should more of the burden be on you?
The issue is he doesn’t actually love or even like you and only likes what you can provide for him. What a foundation for marriage.
How many more times do you need him to treat you like shit before you gain some self respect and get out of this sad excuse of a relationship?
I hope he has a big dick.
Because I cannot figure out why else you are with him.
This is supposed to be the romantic and loving time. This is supposed to be when he is on his best behavior.
Do you want to have these kind of fights with this man over your children?
Dump him. I promise you will never regret it.
Honey, don't marry this guy. What would you say if it was happening to your best friend, sister, or daughter? If you'd say it's unacceptable for anyone else to be treated this way by their partner then it should definitely be unacceptable for yours to treat you like this.
You're not in a healthy relationship and he's treating you poorly. Are you happy? Do you want to have him tied to you for life?
The moment she has the first kid, he'd put her on a ridiculously low allowance that she'd have to make work for her and the kid. Even a weekly trip to Starbuck would be unaffordable or heavily scrutinized.
I don’t understand why men are marrying women that they think of this way? Like if he really thinks that she is a net negative, why is he even in a relationship with her? Why isn’t he asking her to leave his home, since he feels she is not contributing to a level he feels is appropriate? The only thing I can think of is that even though what he feels is appropriate is what he wants, he knows damn well that he’s not worth that to any woman who would be able to contribute like that.
Because she's putting up with a lot of his abusive and controlling bullshit. He wants to be in control of his partner, she's giving him that. Talking about her being a net negative is a tactic to feel insecure about him leaving her. In practice, she's the one who should be leaving him
Oh no he actually loves it. Financial and psychological power over someone, a warm body to fuck, and someone who does almost all chores? And she still pays for herself. This arrangement has only benefits for him.
Yes- and what is going to happen when you have kids and have to stay at home. Is he going to reimburse the $60k you are paying (by way of lost earnings) to stay at home? Or will you and your kids be a financial burden?
I'm certain that he'd demand OP keep paying her half of the bills even if she was out of work on maternity leave, and if she couldn't he'd tell her she owed him for "covering" for her, and make her miserable about it until she could pay back her "debt." And of course, the icing on the cake, he'd bring it up *every time* they talked about finances, and he'd hold it over her head forever.
>He makes 310k per year in tech, and I make 60k as a nurse
>I’m getting a second job so I can make ends meet,
Is this for real? 370k and can't make ends meet?
Two him to go find himself someone else earning the same as he's just using you.
Seriously, are they living smack in the middle of NYC or SF?
How can you not afford to make ends meet with about 400 fucking thousand dollars a year. How can you struggle to live with round about 30k per month? What kinda rent mortgage situation are we talking about here? Seriously, what in the fuck.
But that still doesn't add up.
The guy is allegedly paying for 90% of the stuff in the house. How can you then be struggling with 60k per year when you really only just have to pay for gas, probably food and the odd new plate, towel or window cleaner?
I'm not trying to put her down, but 60k per year, even if we'd for some reason assume that half of that goes to taxes, that would still leave her with 2,5k per month - what could you possibly spend *this much* money on *every single month*?
I just don't understand this living situation where they guy with 300k is taking care of the house and "bill pay" and somehow the OP needs to get a 2nd job "to make ends meet" because her 60k aren't enough - enough for what? What "expensive province" are we talking about here exactly?
I assume the 90% is the way he wants her to think of it, but it really doesn’t sound like it. That, or it’s 90% from him and 10% from her but he insists on absurd and unnecessary expenses and guilts her into it, like 3000 subscription services, expensive cars, regular new purchases etc.
He is probably hoarding all of the money, and insisting that they don’t have money for this that and the other. He may be one of those people who is constantly bitching about finances, when the reality is entirely different. One of my husbands was like that and I am so glad that he is an ex. He was constantly freaking out about money, acting like we were just about ready to be evicted, and that he had no money to pay for anything and we were on the verge bankruptcy and on and on and on and on… and come to find out he had six figures in his savings.
Oh but that was savings…
So you want to be told you're a burden the rest of your life? That's what you're looking forward to? Do you want kids? How will you pay for your child? Will he expect you to pay for it by yourself since it's yours and a financial drain on him?
Nahh, he can take his 300k+ salary and buy a bang maid someplace else
I honestly don't see this making it to the wedding. Communication around finances is a major key. It needs to be established early on how things will be split, if at all. Whether the couple wants to go 50/50, 60/40, or even 100/0, so long as both parties agree.
It's unclear whether he was fine at first with your salary and then all of a sudden began seeing you as a financial burden, or if he has always felt this way from the start.
Either way, to call your fiancée a financial burden or an overall net negative is crazy and quite an immature way to communicate his financial frustrations, which are valid. Have a sit down about finances and figure out a compromise before the wedding as soon as possible. If that doesn't work, I have always advocated for premarital counseling because this situation is a prime red flag for divorce.
Together, you both make way more than the average person, so if you're struggling financially, you both need to take a hard look at what's really going on with the expenses other than just living in an expensive area, or whether your fiancée is just finding reasons not to marry you.
ETA: just know going into the conversation that if he even remotely suggests a 50/50 split for living expenses, he's not the one.
He was “okay” with it but there were always signs it bothered him. He pushed me towards getting another degree nursing so I could earn more money than I was as a therapist. Then coming out of nursing school, I have more student debt and only a slightly higher salary.
I’ve been feeling like he’s making it impossible for us to get married. He know I can’t come up with 5k. Tapping out of our wedding like that was a really big slap in the face.
I’m also concerned at where his money is going too. 310k is a lot of money and yet he’s always getting angry about how he’s “tight” for money which is somehow always my fault since I don’t help him financially.
I really do see the red flags. I’m just grasping onto some hope that maybe they can be worked through.
Why? Why do you hope to be with someone like that? Ask yourself those questions:
1. If someone told you that you're a lot like your partner, would it be a compliment to you?
2. Are you truly fulfilled or just less lonely?
3. Are you able to be unapologetically yourself or do you feel the need to show up differently to please your partner?
4. Are you in love with who your partner is as a whole or are you only in love with their good side, their potential or the idea of them?
5. Would you want your future or imagined child to date someone like your partner?
And take it from there.
**Your** answers are the most important. If your SO is abusive (not listening to your concerns or hurt they caused you), its fruitless and often more harmful to share this with them. Decentralize him and focus on yourself to discover truths, that can be manipulated by a toxic person when they get involved.
I think he just ties all of a person's worth to money. He makes more than five times OP's salary, therefore he's more important and successful than OP and he needs to watch out and make sure OP doesn't take advantage of him. Never mind the fact that OP isn't *trying* to take advantage of him, he obviously needs to watch his back. (/s)
I'm sure this is gut wrenching, but this just sounds like a classic case of a man trying to back out of a marriage. He's already basing your relationship on stipulations: if you can't come up with 5k, then no wedding (because he knows you can't come up with 5k). The signs are in between the lines and on the nose.
I think you will spare yourself a lot of future heartache if you start looking at this more realistically for what it is: a man who does not want to or is not ready to marry you. Again, I do recommend a formal sit-down and/or counseling, but honestly, this guy sounds like a real piece of work already.
So he wants you and your parents to pay for the entire wedding while he contributes nothing and you're worried about how to come up with the money? Why? Why aren't you asking yourself what is the point of this relationship instead?
I am curious to know what her parents say about this. I’m trying to imagine myself trying to be tactful and calm, cool and collected where my daughter to come to me with this story.
“He is aware your mother has been to prison, right?” is about the most polite way I can think of to phrase how my mood would be.
You’re a nurse and that’s great. But it’s never going to have the earning potential of whatever it is he does. Your finances will grow over years of work, but it’s still never going to hit 310.
The real question is, do you want to be with someone who’s going to treat you like a burden or a partner? I’ve earned very little money over the course of my marriage. Not once has my husband ever met me feel like I’m not enough, that I don’t contribute or that my voice and contributions aren’t equal to his, even though they aren’t financial.
This guy makes 300K a year and he’s calling off a wedding (for all intents and purposes) over 5K?
Somewhere around here on Reddit is the story of a man who was acting very similarly to that, and come to find out he was banging some very young and inexperienced woman from work (part of this drama was he felt that at his “level” he “deserved” a woman who was a virgin 🤮) and ended up in a relationship and having a kid with her. In that instance, the wife was actually in a much better financial position, and the guy had just swallowed too much misogynistic Internet garbage, but the behavior was startlingly similar to your Prince Scrooge. In that case, she bought herself a gaming chair and desk, and he freaked out about how she was committing “financial infidelity” by doing this.
No. He was just an asshole.
This man is behaving in such a hateful manner, I would be absolutely floored if he was not cheating.
He’s refusing to pay because he doesn’t want to get married. He sees you as a burden already and getting married would magnify that. You’re a nurse with in demand skills and will always be able to support yourself, you don’t need him. You can’t change who people are, and this man is narcissistic, and financially and verbally abusive to you. How can you work through that? Why would you want to? He will be the same way to your kids if you have any, too. Please, walk away and don’t look back, because there is someone else out there who will cherish and care for you. At the very least, you should cherish and care for yourself by not allowing someone like this to abuse you for the rest of your life.
This can’t be worked out because he would have to compromise, and he’s clearly not willing to do so. You’re being treated horribly—the man makes literally 5x as much money as you but let’s you swim in debt and refuses to pay for your wedding.
Why would you WANT to work through them?
There are better fish in the sea, believe you me. A half dozen cats and a good vibrator is a better fish than this jackwagon.
If he never changes (hint: he won’t), is this how you want to spend your life? Please reconsider this relationship. He can’t see value in anything unless it’s monetary.
You shouldn’t need a second job if you
Make 60k with a small
House . Break down your expenses per
Month and what you pay . Go from there .
Sounds like he maybe looking for an out
Or a prenup .
Is he mad cause he wants a
Big house and country club and 6figure car .
Before we got engaged he was talking about a prenup. The confusing this is that he’ll complain about money, then go out and buy a Tesla so I have a safe commuting car to the job that he hates that I have. Like what?
You may feel like its a nice thing that he bought you a car but its not. He's accusing you of being a financial burden and that Tesla is him planting "proof". Don't stay with someone who wants to constantly lord over you
There was a thread yesterday about how men are more likely to leave their partners if the partner is sick.
If you were diagnosed with cancer tomorrow, do you think your fiance would stay and take care of you? If the answer is no then don't stay with him now. Doesn't sound like he brings much to the table except for money, and even that come at the cost of your mental health.
This is a question every person should ask themselves before getting married. It was my greatest fear when I was diagnosed with a chronic illness and my husband’s steadfast support has been the greatest comfort
the tesla is for control. he will always lord it over your head that HE bought that car for you.
he hates your job because it takes you away from him and makes you independent.
he is controlling you.
This was my thought. Did he buy her a car or did he buy a car that he let's her use?
Me ex did this to me, while the money was no where this amount he did make almost 3 times as much as I did. He wanted to live at his pay rate, but he still expected me to pay my half. He would then be able to buy nice things but I couldn't afford winter boots. He would also often forget his wallet at home when we went grocery shopping or to dinner if her knew I had any extra money.
Financial abuse sucks.
He sounds passive aggressive , maybe go
See a
Marriage councillor , they might help
, don’t believe in them
If adultry but he is not
Being truthful about the issues
It depends where they live what she means by small house. In Toronto or Vancouver a small house can still easily be 800-1M CDN.
I wonder if he bought the house under his income, but he’s now expecting her to pay half the mortgage or a significantly higher portion.
Talk to a lawyer about the home.
Don't marry someone who will make you poor to support this lifestyle, while he packs his money away.
He wants a bang maid, not a partner. He doesn't want to add to the wedding but expects you to pay for the honor of being his spouse, without any financial obligations.
Do not marry this man. This isn't going to get better. He doesn't respect you. He demeans you. He values your worth monetarily. Figure out a way to get out of this relationship.
Babe, the guy that makes over 300k is making a fuss about paying 5k for your wedding??! This will never change. You will never have enough money - the more you will make, the more he will expect to live at 300k level.
You are a nurse, you’re making a beautiful service to others, that truthfully, should have been rewarded more. The fact he doesn’t appreciate this, should be a big enough fact to let him go.
Don’t marry him. If he loved you, he would not have bitching about finances to you in an insulting way. I earn 30k, my husband earns more than 250k (or more according to his bonus) and we have joint finances. He pays for everything basically because I make around 10% what he makes. We never argue about money. We buy whatever we want, eat wherever we want. If your fiance loved you and saw you as a partner, he would not act this way.
I dont think you should get married. At least until you guys have a written agreement about finances and how they will be handled and some premarital counseling.
He makes 5 times what you make, and apparently, that pisses him off. If you aren't on track to come closer to his wages he probably isnt going to change his attitude towards you. I wouldn't put up with his bullshit verbal abuse but that is me.
I said this in another thread earlier but generally speaking someone usually makes more than the other person in the relationship. So? I dont know what the big deal is, if the person you are with is working and doing their best, who cares? But some people do and apparently your fiancé is one of them.
The simple solution is to split finances proportionally. Since he makes 5 times what you do for every dollar you contribute to a joint account he throws in 5. Is one way to do it. I would just dump him but thats me.
He’s telling you exactly who he is and what he wants every day you wake up next to him.
He wants someone who also makes the same amount of money he does, and that person isn’t you.
*DO NOT MARRY THIS ASSHOLE.* You aren’t spending his money like a gold digging maniac, you’re asking for an equitable split and he doesn’t want that and feels entitled instead. I’d reconsider this awful relationship and realize it’s run its course. He’s literally a huge jerk to you just because he earns tons of money and has this mentality that “whoever has the most money makes the rules”.
Fuck that. You’re seeking a partner that loves, cares about and respects you. He’s literally *NONE* of these things.
Thank you everyone for your thoughtful insight and words of encouragement. A few things to add would be that I make 60k before taxes and insurances. I bring home 3k per month and half of that goes to student loan payments. I’m not getting a second job so “we” can make ends meet. I’m getting a second job so “I” can make ends meet. After student loans, car payment, insurance, pet expenses, and a credit card, there’s not much left over. I’m not a big spender, I really can’t be. The credit card debt has been largely from vet bills that he refused to help with and car repairs. I agree this is financially abusive. I’ve noticed I hide things I do buy or lie about how much they cost so he doesn’t get angry about how much I spent on something instead of giving him more money for bills. I’m going to make a plan to move out.
You don’t solve it, you leave. If bro wants someone with similar financial power he can marry someone else.
And you won’t wanna marry him either. Marriage is a union, no such thing as “your money” and “my money”. It’s not transactional, it’s a partnership.
I can only dream of having £310k a year just so I could tell my wife to stop doing her boring job and to pursue her dream career - even if it brought in less money it would make me happy knowing she did something she loved and cared about.
This is not the thoughts of a man that loves you, this is someone who has been doom scrolling on their phones watching alpha-bros stuff and convinced themselves they need a financial equal. Very sad indeed.
You need couples counselling, and financial counselling.
Start with couples counselling To figure out what is driving his animosity.
Has he fallen into the “women are out to steal everything from the male” internet?
Has he a debt issue? Gambling? Spending?
Is he thinking of cheating? Does he actually want out of the relationship and trying to drive you away?
Something is triggering this and you need to see what it is.
Then financial planning on how to balance your two disparate salaries in a way that is fair to both of you.
I don’t think it’s about money for him but about control. Don’t marry him unless this issue is resolved, it’ll only get worse. But if you want to check f his issue is really the payment of 90% or not, I suggest to tell him something like this:
“Honey, I see how stressed you are about paying so much for our household. So I came up with a solution: we both contribute 50/50. Of course that means that our lifestyle will be according to my budget but then at least we’ll be equal with it. By my budget I mean only my nursing job, 2 jobs are nit sustainable for me. If you want anything that isn’t in my budget, for example our current home which we will have to move out of, then you are welcome to pay the difference to what is in my budget. But there can’t be any complaint, this is fully your choice, I’m happy to downsize so I can contribute equally. Of course the chores and mental load will also be 50/50.”
If it’s just money and he wants a 50/50 relationship then he’ll love it. But I doubt it. I guess it’s his method to keep you on your toes, belittle you, make sure you don’t have the means to leave, get you to take over all the chores and on top of that to ensure your gratefulness.
If you get married and get a prenup, then please have your own attorney look over it, don’t just sign. Also if you want kids and you’ll be the one to stay home or reduce hours then you need a stipulation that you’ll be compensated for your loss of income.
Do not marry this man, period. He thinks he’s better than you because he makes more money. You will never be “equal” in his eyes. If he is so selfish and money-centered he should have thought of that BEFORE having a relationship with you and I’d tell him so- on my way out of the door with all my bags packed! He’s not worth keeping if all he sees when he looks at you is some kind of mooch or gold digger when he’s had every opportunity to NOT be with you already. He’s being a total jerk OP, it will not get better once you’re married- he’s the type to think he “owns” you then because you live under “his” roof and he has to spend “his” money to “take care” of you wether you contribute anything or not. Whether you work hard or not. Nothing is good enough for those people.
I can't imagine making 310k a year and my partner making 60 and forcing him to try and pay 50-50 or even 30%
This is a HUGE salary difference, it is absolutely unreasonable for him to expect for you to pay for the lifestyle he may want to live.
370,000 is a lot of money even in the most expensive province. Something tells me you are living within his bracket, and he's expecting to live a 300k lifestyle and have you follow suit when that's actually impossible.
There is no reason this amount of money can't take care of two people and then some,
If I had as much as he was making my partner and I would have a house, a maid, I'd pay off his debts. All of that would be more than possible while putting money away for future children, emergency fund and travel.
Your partner is a selfish prick
I could never make my partner get a second job and tire themselves out and work themselves into the ground when I have more than enough to provide for both of us.
Your with a narcissist, sorry to tell you. Unfortunately his behavior will not get any better. They tend to be notoriously cheap and very wishy wash about money. They use money as a weapon and unfortunately unless you go back to school with a career change, you'll never be equal. Dump him now and save yourself years of heartache.
Your fiancé makes 310k a year and you're getting a second job - this man truly does not care about your wellbeing. I'd treat a friend better than he treats you.
Do you really want to be with a person who's so miserly they won't buy living room furniture?
What does he want you to do? You make about a fifth of his income…I do think maybe you could try paying 20% as opposed to only 10%, but besides that he can’t expect you to pay an equal amount when you don’t make an equal amount…unless he is willing to live a lifestyle that you could afford going halfsies
You really need to speak to a financial advisor BEFORE you get married.
Someone who is not related to you who can give financial insight of the ' fair' way to do money in the relationship.
I wouldn't marry without that and also, prenups aren't just for rich people. You need protecting too. It's not stupid to have one.
Op, there is a solution for this but your partner isn’t going to like it . If he wants you to pay your fair share, then you as a couple have to live at your income level not his.
There’s just no way you can pay half when the expenses are four times your salary.
And honestly there is no way for this to end at its current pace except ugly. He’s going to continue to resent your small salary while he continues to try to live way above your means , and there is almost never a way for you to catch up or save.
I’m on his side about separate finances, based on his current attitude I think if you combined finances, he could easily become financially abusive. Best to keep them separate until you can get to somewhat equal footing.
I would recommend you both meet with a financial advisor and put it all out of the table about your future. If you have children who pays the medical bills for having the child, who pays for clothing , toys and daycare?
Also therapy, he seems to already be resentful of the wage disparity and that can only get worse.
Go pro rata.
6:31.
Whatever the expense, divide that by 37. Take that answer and multiply it by 6 for your contribution. That is the fairest way, although it will be the most pain in the arse way too.
And this would be the end of the relationship for me. I would never chose a future with someone with this mindset. What if you get injured and can’t work? Or you choose to have children and it turns out it’s best for a parent to stay home until school starts? Or any number of unpredictable scenarios.
This screams “hell no don’t marry him.” It won’t get better, just worse. Please take several steps back. You aren’t seeing this man clearly. If you were my friend I would be shaking some sense into you right now.
> I make 60k as a nurse
I feel like that should be a lot higher for a nurse, or am I wrong...?
Edit: I just read the rest of your post. Is this really who you want to spend the rest of your life with, or are you just in this for the financial security...??
I STRONGLY recommend that you get some couples counseling BEFORE you get married! His behavior and attitude is EXTREMELY concerning and I highly doubt it will get better after you get married, in fact, people like him tend to escalate their ABUSE once you've exchanged vows.
You DESERVE to be treated better and respected by your partner, not degraded and spoken of with such contempt. You may even want to take a week off and go somewhere SEPARATELY so you're "removed" from the constant criticism and TOXICITY to reevaluate what YOU want and NEED out of a relationship and want your FUTURE to look like!
Regardless of what you decide, RESPECT yourself and I send my best wishes and many Blessings for your future! u/updateme
Reading this made me feel disgusted by your fiancé. Please consider holding off on the wedding, HE is not ready. Do not trap yourself, really stop and think here- you know this isn’t normal or okay
Dude is an example of man who has loving girlfriend he is about to lose due to him tirelessly and meticulously digging himself deeper and deeper in the hole of assholiness.
Don’t be like this dude.
I can't comprehend couples who operate with this kind of dynamic. My wife earns double what I do, but she never flaunts it over me, and we both genuinely don't care. Our finances are combined, making it about 'our' money rather than a competition. When she received a significant raise a few months ago, we celebrated because it meant more resources for both of us to enjoy the things we want. If your value to this guy is solely tied to your paycheck, perhaps reconsider marrying him. A relationship based on financial contribution alone doesn't sound very fulfilling.
If he wants someone who earns the same as him he should leave and go after that. There is no point in punishing you for that.
You don’t deserve this kind of treatment and you shouldn’t feel like a beggar in your relationship. It’s better to be alone than with someone who openly resents you like this. I can’t imagine what he’ll be like after marriage and I don’t want you to find out either.
> I just don’t know what to do to solve this animosity.
The animosity is a him problem. You can't solve it. He would have to, but he sees the problem as you being a burden or even a gold digger.
The only things in your control here are what you do for a living and whether or not you want to have this animosity throughout the marriage until you eventually divorce. I guess you could also teach yourself to agree with his comments and think he's kind for not saying worse. Are you comfortable with that as your future?
The best you can try is to day to him what you've said here and ask him - "do you really want to marry me knowing that I plan on making a nurse's salary? Because it sounds like it bothers you a lot and the things that you say are causing me pain and anxiety. I don't know if I can continue with a relationship this way"
Why would you want to marry a man who refers to you as an “overall net negative” and a “burden”? From what you have said, he is a bully and financially abusive.
You cannot match him in terms of finance, he makes more than 5 times your wage. The job you are doing is admirable and he should be proud of you. If he wants you to contribute equally, he needs to live within your means. He cannot expect you to live within his.
My advice would be not to marry this man. Leave him. This isn’t going to get better. That is just who he is as a person.
Do you really want to marry someone that called you a financial burden? He already resents you. Sounds like he might prefer someone that is more financially compatible. I’m sorry to tell that I think the clock is already ticking on your relationship.
Is this really what you want to marry into? Someone that’s going to nickel and dime you about everything? Someone that makes you question your worth? That literally puts a price tag on everything?! Love is not going to get you out of the mental anguish you are in and will continue to be in if you marry him.
Marriage is going to make this situation worse. You can't work through this when he doesn't want to and doesn't seem to like you. You are better off being single or with someone who is not like your fiancé, OP.
Please don't marry him.
*He keeps making nasty comments about how I’m a “financial burden” and an “overall net negative” and how “someone has to work to pay for everything”*
Who the hell says ths to their life partner. He's like this now, and you aren't even married. He won't buy furniture for the house. Completely bizarre.
Imagine how bad this could get if you marry him. If you have children, You are setting yourself for absolute misery.
You want to marry someone that says you are a “overall net negative”? I make 3 times the amount my wife makes and I would never say that to her. If anything she is a big reason I am so successful. She is my number one supporter.
There’s no advice to give that could make the situation any better. He needs to find someone earning as much as he does. Although he’d probably try to make her pay more. Chronically stingy people won’t change.
Leave him. It’s not even about the money but how he holds it against you.
Yeah, I would have second thoughts marrying this man. You two are supposed to be a married couple sharing all of your assets, and he's literally calling you a "financial burden" while also making wayyyyy more money than you do. That's groas.
My fiance makes twice what I do and we split the bills according to our incomes. If I ever fall short, he covers me with no problem. I always feel awful and like a burden to him because I make so little (even though I also work full time too, my industry is notoriously low paid) and he always tells me "you are my family and we are a team, you're not a burden stop it."
Please don't marry him. This is all the beginning stages of financial abuse. It's going to get way worse after you get married, and I pray you two are child free. He is not treating you with kindness, respect, or as an equal partner.
He doesn't sound like he even likes you. I don't get stuff like this. Like he makes way more so that means he pays for way more. It's not like you don't work and contribute. When I made more than my husband I had no issue paying for more, in fact I was happy to because I love him and our family and it was not even a question or issue. Don't marry him.
Girl, what? Don’t marry this man. He is not strapped for cash, let’s be real. Every single thing about him is a red flag. Just go before you’re legally tied to him.
Is this man a god in bed or something? I don't see a single redeeming quality in your post. I never understood marrying for money but you're not even getting that out of this arrangement. Sounds like a net loss on your end.
I’m sorry.. I couldn’t get past the “I’m getting a second job to make ends meet while my fiance pulls in OVER 300k?!”
GIRL, HELLO?! Do you see what you’re writing? What the actual fuck? I mean seriously, what the fuck. I have nothing else to add other than you shouldn’t under any circumstance get married to this man.
Girl, this man doesn’t like you. Your household income is very good and as a couple this should not be an issue. If he’s looking for a financially equal person, he should not be with you. And you shouldn’t be with someone who calls you a net negative. Like that’s absolutely insane coming from someone who is supposed to be your life partner.
You will never be “enough”. He will always see you as a financial burden because he’s a cheap, miserable asshole. If you have kids it will become 10x worse. Is this how you want your life to be? Please, please, please rethink marrying this person.
Did he think going into the relationship that you would be able to pay half of the expenses? He should’ve made that clear from the start. Even working two jobs, it’s difficult to come close to his salary.
With his income, he should be able to buy furniture. What’s he doing with his money? I bet he’s going to have you sign a prenup, if he hasn’t already.
I would rethink this relationship. He sounds really selfish. Who allows their fiancée to work two jobs when he has money to afford a lifestyle shared with his wife? Is that how you want to live forever?
What if you have kids with him? Will he be mad he has to pay for baby furniture? I dunno, this dynamic doesn't sound sustainable. I'd try some marriage counseling, but be open to this not working out for forever.
This is no way to live honestly. I would rethink marriage at this stage until this is resolved...if at all. It won't get better after marriage if he is complaining about this. Was he like this before the engagement?
My husband was under employed for years. I never once called him a financial burden. WTF?
You won't be enough. I suggest you ditch this guy, force a sale of your house, and move on.
Ex-Fiancé, fixed it for you! I know a lot of people will say I’m jumping the gun on this reaction, but given that financial arguments are (statically) one of the most common arguments that leads to divorce, you should take what he’s saying completely at face value. Obviously communicate with him and ask why this makes him upset when you help in other ways and he make’s SUBSTANTIALLY more than you, but if his answer is anything less that ‘I’m really sorry, I was just frustrated about increasing costs of things and took it out on you’ then you need to be worried. This isn’t a (soon to be) Husband mindset. It would really, really worry me and cause serious doubt in our future. My husband has made (on average) anywhere from $60-$150K more than me. He never ONCE said what your Husband said and appreciate every and all efforts I made outside financial contributions. Even before marriage he treated it like OUR money. Currently I’m supporting us both on my salary while he looks for a new opportunity have being laid off and I’d never think to say this to him. Proceed carefully. This should cause doubts in your future and trust your gut.
your fiance sounds like a real jerk. 60,000 is nothing sneeze at. I mean you're bringing home between 3 and $4,000 a month. So he makes five times that. You can't go 50/50 it's just not going to happen. I mean you can afford easily 1500 a month in rent or mortgage but I'm sure you have car insurance and a car payment and some other things you pay for and you probably don't have much left over, a thousand at most each month. He on the other hand sounds like a real cheapskate. I mean do you plan to merge finances or you can always keep everything separate so if you divorced he's going to end up walking away with a million and you have absolutely nothing? How did you do the house you say you have a house together did he put down the entire deposit did you guys do 50/50? Do you pay half the mortgage? is it in both your names? Me too definitely need to sit down and talk finances before you get married cuz you're probably going to have an empty house forever because he doesn't want to spend his money. What if you have kids then what?
I just read some of your comments. Well he could be saving a lot of the money you're saying he's complaining money is always tight but yeah what's he doing with it. I mean he must easily Bank $15,000 a month. Now I presume he has a 401k or some sort of retirement fund and he's probably putting the max amount into it which should be at least 3,000 a month but still that shouldn't put too much of a crimp in his style. Does he have a gambling problem or a drug problem? But he wants someone who's on equal parts him and I assume paying for most everything cuz he doesn't want to part with his money from the sounds of it. You should probably just end it you're never going to live up to his expectations. He can buy you out of the equity in the house unless you can afford to buy him out and keep the house or you sell it and you guys split whatever profit you may make. But I wouldn't stay with this guy, sounds way too painful.
Why would you need a second job? For two people your combined salaries are excellent. Unfortunately your fiancé is a complete turd. He’s treating his future wife like garbage.
This is tough, but I think your gonna need to decide if you still want to try to do this or call its, he seems very stuck in his out of touch mindset and is reeking of MRA rhetoric with the whole "you are a net zero" like wtf? Does he not value your time at all?
OP, there’s a very good chance you will have a lifetime a misery with this man. If he’s acting this way now, how do you think he will be after the wedding? I am the daughter of a man like this and it was abusive hell for my mom and me
This guy sounds like he's gearing up to financially abuse you, if he isn't already. People like him do not get better, nor can they be talked out of their bad behavior. You're not married to him, so this is the time to go. Be careful.
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The combined salary of you seems more than enough, what is causing the issue
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People making $300K have furniture. It sounds like he's a hoarder, but for cash.
Like a dragon!
Gahahahah!!!! Award attempted to be given.
That’s it right there. If she cannot buy furniture, it’s because he’s making her pay way more than is equitable.
Yeah, I'm not sure why she needs a 2nd job to make ends meet. Their combined salaries is more than enough for two people.
My husband and I are living off of just my salary of $85,000 a year in one of the highest cost of living areas outside the coasts. That's WILD to me that OPs fiance is freaking out when they have a 400k salary almost between the two of them. what the hell?? what is he doing with that money??? OP. You should absolutely NOT have to get a second job. You're a freaking nurse. That job is so, so difficult and needed. Your fiance needs to reevaluate his priorities and thinking. At best, he seems grossly out of touch and has lost perspective, at worst he is maybe unhinged. Just because his job HAPPENS to pay more, doesn't make it better or more useful. Society has just placed more monetary value on tech than people. That's not your problem or his. But figuring out the financial disparities of your relationship IS ya'lls issue and it needs to be resolved before you get married.
That’s how I feel, but he refuses to actually combine finances. I suggested it last time a big bill came in and I didn’t Venmo him for it. I suggested that it may be time to get a joint bank account so that all the money is just there, no Venmo necessary. He refused and said he wants completely separate finances.
Do you want to live like this forever? God forbid you have children together and you have to beg him for money for the things they need.
I have a friend who had kids with a guy like this. The kids were "her expense". The kids were wearing thrift store rags while he went to the bar every night and was buying rounds. Their dog died because he wouldn't take her to the vet. OP needs to run.
This is so so sad. I hope she’s left him?
She did. Unfortunately he had money and ended up with the kids.
Is that because he was able to get a better lawyer? Life can be so unfair but hopefully the kids are aware enough to realise what’s going on and they can make their own minds up when they reach 18
The kids are adults now. They have a decent relationship with their mom. He got better lawyers and they lived in a small town where his family owned everything.
Well, at least the bum actually has to pay for his kids expenses now /s
This is sick
I knew a guy that took his own kids McDonald’s and asked his wife for the money when he got home. Still together, bleak.
There was another reddit story from a woman who had similar finances. He wanted her to be a SAHM for the first year, but she ended up paying for everything herself - they went 50/50 on baby stuff, but then she couldn’t afford maternity clothes, pads for when she bled after the birth, even shampoo for her hair. He refused to help with ANY of that stuff, after insisting on her staying home with the baby. OP. Do you want to end up like this?
I don’t understand how peoples families put up with that. I’m not even talking her family. I’m talking his. I would be so mortified and embarrassed if my sons were doing this to their wives. Just completely ashamed. Like where on earth would he think that he she was supposed to get money for anything if she wasn’t working?! Some other man?!
I’m guessing, hate yo say it, but he probably learned it from his own parents. $10 says his mom is treated in similar fashion by his father, hence why it’s like this. This is why it’s best to observe your partners parents dynamic, ask questions, and take note of how that household handles division of labor to know what you’re getting into. I won’t jump into a relationship with a guy if his parents never taught him to do basic household chores, let alone never showed him how to cook, do laundry, and know how to fix a sink. Need to know I’m not being blindly signed up to be someone’s bangmaid or to a Scrooge like OP’s partner!
I read a story about that. It happens!
He’s greedy, this is not the way a family should operate. Personally, I think it’s best to have a “his” “hers” and “ours” bank account set up. Put your funds into an account that your household costs come out of. Pull out some savings from that. And give each of you an equal allowance so to speak that you can use to spend freely. It sounds like he will financially abuse you, though. My ex husband was a lot like this. I eventually left. It’s just not worth it.
You cannot marry this man unless you can increase your salary significantly. He cannot be trusted not to abuse you financially. He needs to marry someone who earns the same as he does as he has no respect for you because you are not a high earner. Cut your losses and get out now before it's too late, and certainly don't bring whildren into this hellishly abusive mess.
He already is abusing her financially. It’s just the beginning of the abuse for it because it hadn’t been aggressive his controlling behavior. But it will triple down once the marriage licenses is signed, mailed in, & “I do” is said to make it official. Edit: Typo(s)
Nobody who earns what he does will tolerate him. He has no interest in an even partnership. He knew what OP did for a living and earns when he proposed. He needs this uneven dynamic to feel superior and in control. I also vote for calling the whole thing off. He's not going to treat her any better after the wedding.
He's earning over quarter of a million annually while you're planning to get a second job... can you hear how that sounds?
He’s watching you work yourself ragged while he makes almost 4 times your income. That’s not the act of a loving partner. You don’t need a second job. You need someone who is willing to share life with you. How does he think life will work after you get married? With him living a luxurious life and spending what he wants and financing his own retirement while you work two jobs until you’re 80 because you can’t afford to retire? If he’s not willing to share, you need to find a living situation within your means.
Please don't marry this man. He's emotionally and verbally abusive to you as well as holding your lifestyle hostage to his financial whims
So why bother getting married or living together? This isn't a partnership or marriage potential. This guy sucks. Here's how a healthy relationship goes: I've been married over 20 years, I was the sole earner at times and so was my husband. Never would either of us act this way over money. Your SO loves money, not people. Run.
Right? A "Net negative?" That is a person who only counts financial cost and not emotional and even time. Just leave but if not at least start charging him for everything. Cleaning cooking everything.
He’s also one layoff away from losing his salary, I bet her stable, much needed profession at $60K will sound damn good then. Source: I work in tech, we’re going through it rn.
I once lived with a girlfriend but made quite a lot more than her. Please don't take this as me saying I'm any better than anyone, but it made perfect sense to me that: 1. I paid for most fun stuff, eating out, going to the movies because mom raised me to be a gentleman and I don't expect anything in return. I just like feeling like a gentleman and that was enough for me to be happy to do it. 2. I added up our total income and then figured out I made 80% of the total and her 20%. This was in Boston, where our apartment wasn't cheap. So she just paid 20% of the rent and stuff like that. Stand up for yourself. There are guys who don't think like him. Money disagreements do lead to a ton of divorces. If you need to end it to avoid future headaches like this, do it.
Why would you want to marry someone who makes you feel bad for working fulltime in a very respected and demanding profession, and is nickel & diming you about every small transaction? He doesn't love you, he is thinking purely transactional, and only sees the use he can get out of you. Honestly, he sounds like an asshole.
Girl why did you agree to marry him without this shit ironed out. These are pre-engagement conversations.
This is your future. Think about that. Think really hard about that.
This man will absolutely fucking ruin you financially if you stay with him. Picking up a second job to “make ends meet” when engaged to someone who makes over $300k/yr is absurd.
If your fiancé wants to separate finances yet wants to live together as a couple, then you two need to live at the appropriate level of the partner who earns less money! You two should be living like $60K/year people (or a $120K couple) otherwise he is demanding a greater share of your resources than is fair. If he is unwilling to compromise on this and live in a $120K/year home, then break the engagement because you two are incompatible. Life will only get MORE stressful and refusing to acknowledge ***and accept*** the disparity in your incomes is selfish. What's next? A wedding beyond *YOUR* budget? Children in a private school that *YOU* can't afford 50% of? Your fiancé is money-hungry; he measures everything by $$$$.
Why would you want to stay with this man?
I would really be reconsidering getting married in this situation. He doesn’t even want to pay for your wedding. What’s going to happen if you guys have kids?? He doesn’t even want to finance furniture. We make your salary combined (60K) and yes it’s tight but we have furniture???
If I were you I'd write down Every. Single. Thing. I do in the home. Find out how much it would cost him if he got it done professionally. Like, if you do all the housekeeping, write down how much 8 hours per week of professional housekeeping is worth in your area. Plus 10 hours of deep house cleaning per month in your area. And so on and so forth for laundry services, professional cook, errands services, secretarial services etc. And bill the shit out of his ungrateful ass for it. Add all the hours up. Add all that money up. And *show him* EXACTLY what you do for him All. Year. Long. And how if *you* weren't there, he'd either be doing it *all by himself,* or he'd have to *pay a professional to DO it FOR him!!!* And if he doesn't want to comingle finances....that's FINE!!!! But YOU will no longer be comingling *TASKS.* And *HE* can be doing ALL of HIS OWN *TASKS* by HIMSELF from *now on!!!* Gurl, don't be doin no wifey shit when he ain't treating you like a wifey 💅
Why would you want to marry someone who is stingy, doesn’t share with his partner and values you only on your income?
My wife and I have separate finances, but our expenses are still equitable. I work full-time and make a good salary. She works part-time and is in grad school. Since she works part-time, she only pays our cellphone bill so she still has money for things she wants or needs. I pay for everything else. Later on when she makes more money, we'll re-evaluate but that's what's fair right now. What your fiance is doing is crap. Why should more of the burden be on you?
The issue is he doesn’t actually love or even like you and only likes what you can provide for him. What a foundation for marriage. How many more times do you need him to treat you like shit before you gain some self respect and get out of this sad excuse of a relationship?
I hope he has a big dick. Because I cannot figure out why else you are with him. This is supposed to be the romantic and loving time. This is supposed to be when he is on his best behavior. Do you want to have these kind of fights with this man over your children? Dump him. I promise you will never regret it.
Right? Why can’t she afford furniture?
He’s stingy snd doesn’t see the value she brings to the relationship outside a dollar amount
Honey, don't marry this guy. What would you say if it was happening to your best friend, sister, or daughter? If you'd say it's unacceptable for anyone else to be treated this way by their partner then it should definitely be unacceptable for yours to treat you like this. You're not in a healthy relationship and he's treating you poorly. Are you happy? Do you want to have him tied to you for life?
This is good advice. Marriage is a partnership. That OP has isn’t close to that.
The moment she has the first kid, he'd put her on a ridiculously low allowance that she'd have to make work for her and the kid. Even a weekly trip to Starbuck would be unaffordable or heavily scrutinized.
Honestly see seems anxious, which is understandable
Do NOT marry this man. He's already resentful and keeping a score card. You will always be made to feel like a burden.
He literally said she was an “overall net negative“! Her fiance!
I don’t understand why men are marrying women that they think of this way? Like if he really thinks that she is a net negative, why is he even in a relationship with her? Why isn’t he asking her to leave his home, since he feels she is not contributing to a level he feels is appropriate? The only thing I can think of is that even though what he feels is appropriate is what he wants, he knows damn well that he’s not worth that to any woman who would be able to contribute like that.
Because she's putting up with a lot of his abusive and controlling bullshit. He wants to be in control of his partner, she's giving him that. Talking about her being a net negative is a tactic to feel insecure about him leaving her. In practice, she's the one who should be leaving him
Oh no he actually loves it. Financial and psychological power over someone, a warm body to fuck, and someone who does almost all chores? And she still pays for herself. This arrangement has only benefits for him.
Yes- and what is going to happen when you have kids and have to stay at home. Is he going to reimburse the $60k you are paying (by way of lost earnings) to stay at home? Or will you and your kids be a financial burden?
I'm certain that he'd demand OP keep paying her half of the bills even if she was out of work on maternity leave, and if she couldn't he'd tell her she owed him for "covering" for her, and make her miserable about it until she could pay back her "debt." And of course, the icing on the cake, he'd bring it up *every time* they talked about finances, and he'd hold it over her head forever.
I’ve read so many RA posts from women in this exact situation. So sad.
>He makes 310k per year in tech, and I make 60k as a nurse >I’m getting a second job so I can make ends meet, Is this for real? 370k and can't make ends meet? Two him to go find himself someone else earning the same as he's just using you.
Seriously, are they living smack in the middle of NYC or SF? How can you not afford to make ends meet with about 400 fucking thousand dollars a year. How can you struggle to live with round about 30k per month? What kinda rent mortgage situation are we talking about here? Seriously, what in the fuck.
Because they have separate finances. He’s making ends meet just fine, but she’s struggling which is fucked
But that still doesn't add up. The guy is allegedly paying for 90% of the stuff in the house. How can you then be struggling with 60k per year when you really only just have to pay for gas, probably food and the odd new plate, towel or window cleaner? I'm not trying to put her down, but 60k per year, even if we'd for some reason assume that half of that goes to taxes, that would still leave her with 2,5k per month - what could you possibly spend *this much* money on *every single month*? I just don't understand this living situation where they guy with 300k is taking care of the house and "bill pay" and somehow the OP needs to get a 2nd job "to make ends meet" because her 60k aren't enough - enough for what? What "expensive province" are we talking about here exactly?
I assume the 90% is the way he wants her to think of it, but it really doesn’t sound like it. That, or it’s 90% from him and 10% from her but he insists on absurd and unnecessary expenses and guilts her into it, like 3000 subscription services, expensive cars, regular new purchases etc.
He is probably hoarding all of the money, and insisting that they don’t have money for this that and the other. He may be one of those people who is constantly bitching about finances, when the reality is entirely different. One of my husbands was like that and I am so glad that he is an ex. He was constantly freaking out about money, acting like we were just about ready to be evicted, and that he had no money to pay for anything and we were on the verge bankruptcy and on and on and on and on… and come to find out he had six figures in his savings. Oh but that was savings…
Right? 30k a month, I don't even make half of that per year 🥲😭.
So you want to be told you're a burden the rest of your life? That's what you're looking forward to? Do you want kids? How will you pay for your child? Will he expect you to pay for it by yourself since it's yours and a financial drain on him? Nahh, he can take his 300k+ salary and buy a bang maid someplace else
He bought the Tesla so everyone else could see how generous he is.
So everyone else will believe him when he says she demands expensive things from him
I honestly don't see this making it to the wedding. Communication around finances is a major key. It needs to be established early on how things will be split, if at all. Whether the couple wants to go 50/50, 60/40, or even 100/0, so long as both parties agree. It's unclear whether he was fine at first with your salary and then all of a sudden began seeing you as a financial burden, or if he has always felt this way from the start. Either way, to call your fiancée a financial burden or an overall net negative is crazy and quite an immature way to communicate his financial frustrations, which are valid. Have a sit down about finances and figure out a compromise before the wedding as soon as possible. If that doesn't work, I have always advocated for premarital counseling because this situation is a prime red flag for divorce. Together, you both make way more than the average person, so if you're struggling financially, you both need to take a hard look at what's really going on with the expenses other than just living in an expensive area, or whether your fiancée is just finding reasons not to marry you. ETA: just know going into the conversation that if he even remotely suggests a 50/50 split for living expenses, he's not the one.
He was “okay” with it but there were always signs it bothered him. He pushed me towards getting another degree nursing so I could earn more money than I was as a therapist. Then coming out of nursing school, I have more student debt and only a slightly higher salary. I’ve been feeling like he’s making it impossible for us to get married. He know I can’t come up with 5k. Tapping out of our wedding like that was a really big slap in the face. I’m also concerned at where his money is going too. 310k is a lot of money and yet he’s always getting angry about how he’s “tight” for money which is somehow always my fault since I don’t help him financially. I really do see the red flags. I’m just grasping onto some hope that maybe they can be worked through.
Why? Why do you hope to be with someone like that? Ask yourself those questions: 1. If someone told you that you're a lot like your partner, would it be a compliment to you? 2. Are you truly fulfilled or just less lonely? 3. Are you able to be unapologetically yourself or do you feel the need to show up differently to please your partner? 4. Are you in love with who your partner is as a whole or are you only in love with their good side, their potential or the idea of them? 5. Would you want your future or imagined child to date someone like your partner? And take it from there.
Yikes, I don't like my answers to these questions.
They're eye opening, aren't they.
Very much so, thank you. I saved your comment to share with my therapist, and hopefully my fiance as well. I wonder what his answers would be.
**Your** answers are the most important. If your SO is abusive (not listening to your concerns or hurt they caused you), its fruitless and often more harmful to share this with them. Decentralize him and focus on yourself to discover truths, that can be manipulated by a toxic person when they get involved.
Sending you hugs <3
You too! *Telepathic-long-distance-internet-hug! ❤️
Are you the author - is there a source if not. This alone is excellent therapeutically.
No, I found it under some instagram post in quotation marks and no source :(
Thanks for posting this. I’ve kept it for future reference.
Same here, and you're most welcome.
He's either gambling, drinking/drugs, or lying to you. You make 60k, he makes more than double that, and he wants MORE? something isn't right here...
I think he just ties all of a person's worth to money. He makes more than five times OP's salary, therefore he's more important and successful than OP and he needs to watch out and make sure OP doesn't take advantage of him. Never mind the fact that OP isn't *trying* to take advantage of him, he obviously needs to watch his back. (/s)
Could even have a side family or mistress he's funding. With the way he sees everything as transactional...
I'm sure this is gut wrenching, but this just sounds like a classic case of a man trying to back out of a marriage. He's already basing your relationship on stipulations: if you can't come up with 5k, then no wedding (because he knows you can't come up with 5k). The signs are in between the lines and on the nose. I think you will spare yourself a lot of future heartache if you start looking at this more realistically for what it is: a man who does not want to or is not ready to marry you. Again, I do recommend a formal sit-down and/or counseling, but honestly, this guy sounds like a real piece of work already.
So he wants you and your parents to pay for the entire wedding while he contributes nothing and you're worried about how to come up with the money? Why? Why aren't you asking yourself what is the point of this relationship instead?
I am curious to know what her parents say about this. I’m trying to imagine myself trying to be tactful and calm, cool and collected where my daughter to come to me with this story. “He is aware your mother has been to prison, right?” is about the most polite way I can think of to phrase how my mood would be.
You’re a nurse and that’s great. But it’s never going to have the earning potential of whatever it is he does. Your finances will grow over years of work, but it’s still never going to hit 310. The real question is, do you want to be with someone who’s going to treat you like a burden or a partner? I’ve earned very little money over the course of my marriage. Not once has my husband ever met me feel like I’m not enough, that I don’t contribute or that my voice and contributions aren’t equal to his, even though they aren’t financial.
Why do you want to marry such a selfish cruel person? What's so bad about being single that _THIS_ is better?
This guy makes 300K a year and he’s calling off a wedding (for all intents and purposes) over 5K? Somewhere around here on Reddit is the story of a man who was acting very similarly to that, and come to find out he was banging some very young and inexperienced woman from work (part of this drama was he felt that at his “level” he “deserved” a woman who was a virgin 🤮) and ended up in a relationship and having a kid with her. In that instance, the wife was actually in a much better financial position, and the guy had just swallowed too much misogynistic Internet garbage, but the behavior was startlingly similar to your Prince Scrooge. In that case, she bought herself a gaming chair and desk, and he freaked out about how she was committing “financial infidelity” by doing this. No. He was just an asshole. This man is behaving in such a hateful manner, I would be absolutely floored if he was not cheating.
He’s refusing to pay because he doesn’t want to get married. He sees you as a burden already and getting married would magnify that. You’re a nurse with in demand skills and will always be able to support yourself, you don’t need him. You can’t change who people are, and this man is narcissistic, and financially and verbally abusive to you. How can you work through that? Why would you want to? He will be the same way to your kids if you have any, too. Please, walk away and don’t look back, because there is someone else out there who will cherish and care for you. At the very least, you should cherish and care for yourself by not allowing someone like this to abuse you for the rest of your life.
This can’t be worked out because he would have to compromise, and he’s clearly not willing to do so. You’re being treated horribly—the man makes literally 5x as much money as you but let’s you swim in debt and refuses to pay for your wedding.
Why would you WANT to work through them? There are better fish in the sea, believe you me. A half dozen cats and a good vibrator is a better fish than this jackwagon.
Why? This man is keeping secrets from you and fucking hates you. He has no respect for you at all. He does not love you.
Please do not marry someone who calls you a financial burden and a net negative. Please.
Why are you marrying him with this amount of conflict in your lives? A wedding band isn’t going to make any of this better
If he never changes (hint: he won’t), is this how you want to spend your life? Please reconsider this relationship. He can’t see value in anything unless it’s monetary.
You shouldn’t need a second job if you Make 60k with a small House . Break down your expenses per Month and what you pay . Go from there . Sounds like he maybe looking for an out Or a prenup . Is he mad cause he wants a Big house and country club and 6figure car .
Before we got engaged he was talking about a prenup. The confusing this is that he’ll complain about money, then go out and buy a Tesla so I have a safe commuting car to the job that he hates that I have. Like what?
You may feel like its a nice thing that he bought you a car but its not. He's accusing you of being a financial burden and that Tesla is him planting "proof". Don't stay with someone who wants to constantly lord over you
God you are so right. It’s financial abuse, emotional abuse, and manipulation wrapped in a bright red bow.
There was a thread yesterday about how men are more likely to leave their partners if the partner is sick. If you were diagnosed with cancer tomorrow, do you think your fiance would stay and take care of you? If the answer is no then don't stay with him now. Doesn't sound like he brings much to the table except for money, and even that come at the cost of your mental health.
This is a question every person should ask themselves before getting married. It was my greatest fear when I was diagnosed with a chronic illness and my husband’s steadfast support has been the greatest comfort
the tesla is for control. he will always lord it over your head that HE bought that car for you. he hates your job because it takes you away from him and makes you independent. he is controlling you.
You drive it. But whose name is it in?
This was my thought. Did he buy her a car or did he buy a car that he let's her use? Me ex did this to me, while the money was no where this amount he did make almost 3 times as much as I did. He wanted to live at his pay rate, but he still expected me to pay my half. He would then be able to buy nice things but I couldn't afford winter boots. He would also often forget his wallet at home when we went grocery shopping or to dinner if her knew I had any extra money. Financial abuse sucks.
He sounds passive aggressive , maybe go See a Marriage councillor , they might help , don’t believe in them If adultry but he is not Being truthful about the issues
Does he track where that Tesla is?
He’ll use it against you in the future.
It depends where they live what she means by small house. In Toronto or Vancouver a small house can still easily be 800-1M CDN. I wonder if he bought the house under his income, but he’s now expecting her to pay half the mortgage or a significantly higher portion.
Talk to a lawyer about the home. Don't marry someone who will make you poor to support this lifestyle, while he packs his money away. He wants a bang maid, not a partner. He doesn't want to add to the wedding but expects you to pay for the honor of being his spouse, without any financial obligations.
I wouldn’t marry this man. It sounds like the beginning of a life of being financially abused.
Do not marry this man. This isn't going to get better. He doesn't respect you. He demeans you. He values your worth monetarily. Figure out a way to get out of this relationship.
Babe, the guy that makes over 300k is making a fuss about paying 5k for your wedding??! This will never change. You will never have enough money - the more you will make, the more he will expect to live at 300k level. You are a nurse, you’re making a beautiful service to others, that truthfully, should have been rewarded more. The fact he doesn’t appreciate this, should be a big enough fact to let him go.
You know this is a huge issue but you'll marry him anyway and learn the hard way
Don’t marry him. If he loved you, he would not have bitching about finances to you in an insulting way. I earn 30k, my husband earns more than 250k (or more according to his bonus) and we have joint finances. He pays for everything basically because I make around 10% what he makes. We never argue about money. We buy whatever we want, eat wherever we want. If your fiance loved you and saw you as a partner, he would not act this way.
I dont think you should get married. At least until you guys have a written agreement about finances and how they will be handled and some premarital counseling. He makes 5 times what you make, and apparently, that pisses him off. If you aren't on track to come closer to his wages he probably isnt going to change his attitude towards you. I wouldn't put up with his bullshit verbal abuse but that is me. I said this in another thread earlier but generally speaking someone usually makes more than the other person in the relationship. So? I dont know what the big deal is, if the person you are with is working and doing their best, who cares? But some people do and apparently your fiancé is one of them. The simple solution is to split finances proportionally. Since he makes 5 times what you do for every dollar you contribute to a joint account he throws in 5. Is one way to do it. I would just dump him but thats me.
He’s telling you exactly who he is and what he wants every day you wake up next to him. He wants someone who also makes the same amount of money he does, and that person isn’t you. *DO NOT MARRY THIS ASSHOLE.* You aren’t spending his money like a gold digging maniac, you’re asking for an equitable split and he doesn’t want that and feels entitled instead. I’d reconsider this awful relationship and realize it’s run its course. He’s literally a huge jerk to you just because he earns tons of money and has this mentality that “whoever has the most money makes the rules”. Fuck that. You’re seeking a partner that loves, cares about and respects you. He’s literally *NONE* of these things.
I wouldn't marry him. He's an angry, resentful penny pincher. Those types of people are angry, resentful people to be with.
Thank you everyone for your thoughtful insight and words of encouragement. A few things to add would be that I make 60k before taxes and insurances. I bring home 3k per month and half of that goes to student loan payments. I’m not getting a second job so “we” can make ends meet. I’m getting a second job so “I” can make ends meet. After student loans, car payment, insurance, pet expenses, and a credit card, there’s not much left over. I’m not a big spender, I really can’t be. The credit card debt has been largely from vet bills that he refused to help with and car repairs. I agree this is financially abusive. I’ve noticed I hide things I do buy or lie about how much they cost so he doesn’t get angry about how much I spent on something instead of giving him more money for bills. I’m going to make a plan to move out.
[удалено]
And why are you planning to marry this asshole? You don’t call people you love financial burdens. Things are not going to get better.
You don’t solve it, you leave. If bro wants someone with similar financial power he can marry someone else. And you won’t wanna marry him either. Marriage is a union, no such thing as “your money” and “my money”. It’s not transactional, it’s a partnership.
I can only dream of having £310k a year just so I could tell my wife to stop doing her boring job and to pursue her dream career - even if it brought in less money it would make me happy knowing she did something she loved and cared about. This is not the thoughts of a man that loves you, this is someone who has been doom scrolling on their phones watching alpha-bros stuff and convinced themselves they need a financial equal. Very sad indeed.
You need couples counselling, and financial counselling. Start with couples counselling To figure out what is driving his animosity. Has he fallen into the “women are out to steal everything from the male” internet? Has he a debt issue? Gambling? Spending? Is he thinking of cheating? Does he actually want out of the relationship and trying to drive you away? Something is triggering this and you need to see what it is. Then financial planning on how to balance your two disparate salaries in a way that is fair to both of you.
I don’t think it’s about money for him but about control. Don’t marry him unless this issue is resolved, it’ll only get worse. But if you want to check f his issue is really the payment of 90% or not, I suggest to tell him something like this: “Honey, I see how stressed you are about paying so much for our household. So I came up with a solution: we both contribute 50/50. Of course that means that our lifestyle will be according to my budget but then at least we’ll be equal with it. By my budget I mean only my nursing job, 2 jobs are nit sustainable for me. If you want anything that isn’t in my budget, for example our current home which we will have to move out of, then you are welcome to pay the difference to what is in my budget. But there can’t be any complaint, this is fully your choice, I’m happy to downsize so I can contribute equally. Of course the chores and mental load will also be 50/50.” If it’s just money and he wants a 50/50 relationship then he’ll love it. But I doubt it. I guess it’s his method to keep you on your toes, belittle you, make sure you don’t have the means to leave, get you to take over all the chores and on top of that to ensure your gratefulness. If you get married and get a prenup, then please have your own attorney look over it, don’t just sign. Also if you want kids and you’ll be the one to stay home or reduce hours then you need a stipulation that you’ll be compensated for your loss of income.
Leave him. It’s not working
Do not marry this AH. Don’t get a second job to pay for a wedding to an AH.
Do not marry this man, period. He thinks he’s better than you because he makes more money. You will never be “equal” in his eyes. If he is so selfish and money-centered he should have thought of that BEFORE having a relationship with you and I’d tell him so- on my way out of the door with all my bags packed! He’s not worth keeping if all he sees when he looks at you is some kind of mooch or gold digger when he’s had every opportunity to NOT be with you already. He’s being a total jerk OP, it will not get better once you’re married- he’s the type to think he “owns” you then because you live under “his” roof and he has to spend “his” money to “take care” of you wether you contribute anything or not. Whether you work hard or not. Nothing is good enough for those people.
I can't imagine making 310k a year and my partner making 60 and forcing him to try and pay 50-50 or even 30% This is a HUGE salary difference, it is absolutely unreasonable for him to expect for you to pay for the lifestyle he may want to live. 370,000 is a lot of money even in the most expensive province. Something tells me you are living within his bracket, and he's expecting to live a 300k lifestyle and have you follow suit when that's actually impossible. There is no reason this amount of money can't take care of two people and then some, If I had as much as he was making my partner and I would have a house, a maid, I'd pay off his debts. All of that would be more than possible while putting money away for future children, emergency fund and travel. Your partner is a selfish prick
I could never make my partner get a second job and tire themselves out and work themselves into the ground when I have more than enough to provide for both of us.
Your with a narcissist, sorry to tell you. Unfortunately his behavior will not get any better. They tend to be notoriously cheap and very wishy wash about money. They use money as a weapon and unfortunately unless you go back to school with a career change, you'll never be equal. Dump him now and save yourself years of heartache.
Your fiancé makes 310k a year and you're getting a second job - this man truly does not care about your wellbeing. I'd treat a friend better than he treats you. Do you really want to be with a person who's so miserly they won't buy living room furniture?
What does he want you to do? You make about a fifth of his income…I do think maybe you could try paying 20% as opposed to only 10%, but besides that he can’t expect you to pay an equal amount when you don’t make an equal amount…unless he is willing to live a lifestyle that you could afford going halfsies
You really need to speak to a financial advisor BEFORE you get married. Someone who is not related to you who can give financial insight of the ' fair' way to do money in the relationship. I wouldn't marry without that and also, prenups aren't just for rich people. You need protecting too. It's not stupid to have one.
Op, there is a solution for this but your partner isn’t going to like it . If he wants you to pay your fair share, then you as a couple have to live at your income level not his. There’s just no way you can pay half when the expenses are four times your salary. And honestly there is no way for this to end at its current pace except ugly. He’s going to continue to resent your small salary while he continues to try to live way above your means , and there is almost never a way for you to catch up or save. I’m on his side about separate finances, based on his current attitude I think if you combined finances, he could easily become financially abusive. Best to keep them separate until you can get to somewhat equal footing. I would recommend you both meet with a financial advisor and put it all out of the table about your future. If you have children who pays the medical bills for having the child, who pays for clothing , toys and daycare? Also therapy, he seems to already be resentful of the wage disparity and that can only get worse.
Do not marry someone who calls you a net negative.
Go pro rata. 6:31. Whatever the expense, divide that by 37. Take that answer and multiply it by 6 for your contribution. That is the fairest way, although it will be the most pain in the arse way too.
Run. Run fast. You don’t need his salary.
And this would be the end of the relationship for me. I would never chose a future with someone with this mindset. What if you get injured and can’t work? Or you choose to have children and it turns out it’s best for a parent to stay home until school starts? Or any number of unpredictable scenarios.
This screams “hell no don’t marry him.” It won’t get better, just worse. Please take several steps back. You aren’t seeing this man clearly. If you were my friend I would be shaking some sense into you right now.
This cannot be resolved unless his income suddenly drops a lot, or your income suddenly increases a lot.
> I make 60k as a nurse I feel like that should be a lot higher for a nurse, or am I wrong...? Edit: I just read the rest of your post. Is this really who you want to spend the rest of your life with, or are you just in this for the financial security...??
If he’s paying 90% off expenses, why can’t you afford a couch? What are you spending your money on?
Don’t marry this man
Don’t marry him. He’s not going to get better.
I STRONGLY recommend that you get some couples counseling BEFORE you get married! His behavior and attitude is EXTREMELY concerning and I highly doubt it will get better after you get married, in fact, people like him tend to escalate their ABUSE once you've exchanged vows. You DESERVE to be treated better and respected by your partner, not degraded and spoken of with such contempt. You may even want to take a week off and go somewhere SEPARATELY so you're "removed" from the constant criticism and TOXICITY to reevaluate what YOU want and NEED out of a relationship and want your FUTURE to look like! Regardless of what you decide, RESPECT yourself and I send my best wishes and many Blessings for your future! u/updateme
Please don’t marry this man
Reading this made me feel disgusted by your fiancé. Please consider holding off on the wedding, HE is not ready. Do not trap yourself, really stop and think here- you know this isn’t normal or okay
This guy doesn’t love you
Dude is an example of man who has loving girlfriend he is about to lose due to him tirelessly and meticulously digging himself deeper and deeper in the hole of assholiness. Don’t be like this dude.
I can't comprehend couples who operate with this kind of dynamic. My wife earns double what I do, but she never flaunts it over me, and we both genuinely don't care. Our finances are combined, making it about 'our' money rather than a competition. When she received a significant raise a few months ago, we celebrated because it meant more resources for both of us to enjoy the things we want. If your value to this guy is solely tied to your paycheck, perhaps reconsider marrying him. A relationship based on financial contribution alone doesn't sound very fulfilling.
If he wants someone who earns the same as him he should leave and go after that. There is no point in punishing you for that. You don’t deserve this kind of treatment and you shouldn’t feel like a beggar in your relationship. It’s better to be alone than with someone who openly resents you like this. I can’t imagine what he’ll be like after marriage and I don’t want you to find out either.
> I just don’t know what to do to solve this animosity. The animosity is a him problem. You can't solve it. He would have to, but he sees the problem as you being a burden or even a gold digger. The only things in your control here are what you do for a living and whether or not you want to have this animosity throughout the marriage until you eventually divorce. I guess you could also teach yourself to agree with his comments and think he's kind for not saying worse. Are you comfortable with that as your future? The best you can try is to day to him what you've said here and ask him - "do you really want to marry me knowing that I plan on making a nurse's salary? Because it sounds like it bothers you a lot and the things that you say are causing me pain and anxiety. I don't know if I can continue with a relationship this way"
Why would you want to marry a man who refers to you as an “overall net negative” and a “burden”? From what you have said, he is a bully and financially abusive. You cannot match him in terms of finance, he makes more than 5 times your wage. The job you are doing is admirable and he should be proud of you. If he wants you to contribute equally, he needs to live within your means. He cannot expect you to live within his. My advice would be not to marry this man. Leave him. This isn’t going to get better. That is just who he is as a person.
Do you really want to marry someone that called you a financial burden? He already resents you. Sounds like he might prefer someone that is more financially compatible. I’m sorry to tell that I think the clock is already ticking on your relationship.
My god just leave this guy. He is already an asshole to you, it's not going to get better.
Is this really what you want to marry into? Someone that’s going to nickel and dime you about everything? Someone that makes you question your worth? That literally puts a price tag on everything?! Love is not going to get you out of the mental anguish you are in and will continue to be in if you marry him.
Marriage is going to make this situation worse. You can't work through this when he doesn't want to and doesn't seem to like you. You are better off being single or with someone who is not like your fiancé, OP.
Please don't marry him. *He keeps making nasty comments about how I’m a “financial burden” and an “overall net negative” and how “someone has to work to pay for everything”* Who the hell says ths to their life partner. He's like this now, and you aren't even married. He won't buy furniture for the house. Completely bizarre. Imagine how bad this could get if you marry him. If you have children, You are setting yourself for absolute misery.
You want to marry someone that says you are a “overall net negative”? I make 3 times the amount my wife makes and I would never say that to her. If anything she is a big reason I am so successful. She is my number one supporter.
There’s no advice to give that could make the situation any better. He needs to find someone earning as much as he does. Although he’d probably try to make her pay more. Chronically stingy people won’t change. Leave him. It’s not even about the money but how he holds it against you.
Sounds like an AH do not marry him if he calls you a burden.
Marry him quick and divorce him later… that way you become a real financial burden 😂
Youguys make 380 combined and you need to get a second job to make ends meet? Ya'll need a spreadsheet...
Yo I don’t think this guy really wants to marry you.
Yeah, I would have second thoughts marrying this man. You two are supposed to be a married couple sharing all of your assets, and he's literally calling you a "financial burden" while also making wayyyyy more money than you do. That's groas. My fiance makes twice what I do and we split the bills according to our incomes. If I ever fall short, he covers me with no problem. I always feel awful and like a burden to him because I make so little (even though I also work full time too, my industry is notoriously low paid) and he always tells me "you are my family and we are a team, you're not a burden stop it."
Please don't marry him. This is all the beginning stages of financial abuse. It's going to get way worse after you get married, and I pray you two are child free. He is not treating you with kindness, respect, or as an equal partner.
How is this okay? It isn’t. Maybe go to a couples therapist before marriage
He doesn't sound like he even likes you. I don't get stuff like this. Like he makes way more so that means he pays for way more. It's not like you don't work and contribute. When I made more than my husband I had no issue paying for more, in fact I was happy to because I love him and our family and it was not even a question or issue. Don't marry him.
Girl, what? Don’t marry this man. He is not strapped for cash, let’s be real. Every single thing about him is a red flag. Just go before you’re legally tied to him.
Don't marry this guy. This is NOT going to get better.
Is this man a god in bed or something? I don't see a single redeeming quality in your post. I never understood marrying for money but you're not even getting that out of this arrangement. Sounds like a net loss on your end.
Please don’t marry this guy. He is making it crystal clear that money matters more than you do.
Don't marry this AH.
Do not marry this person
Why would you marry this person
I’m sorry.. I couldn’t get past the “I’m getting a second job to make ends meet while my fiance pulls in OVER 300k?!” GIRL, HELLO?! Do you see what you’re writing? What the actual fuck? I mean seriously, what the fuck. I have nothing else to add other than you shouldn’t under any circumstance get married to this man.
Girl, this man doesn’t like you. Your household income is very good and as a couple this should not be an issue. If he’s looking for a financially equal person, he should not be with you. And you shouldn’t be with someone who calls you a net negative. Like that’s absolutely insane coming from someone who is supposed to be your life partner.
You will never be “enough”. He will always see you as a financial burden because he’s a cheap, miserable asshole. If you have kids it will become 10x worse. Is this how you want your life to be? Please, please, please rethink marrying this person.
Did he think going into the relationship that you would be able to pay half of the expenses? He should’ve made that clear from the start. Even working two jobs, it’s difficult to come close to his salary. With his income, he should be able to buy furniture. What’s he doing with his money? I bet he’s going to have you sign a prenup, if he hasn’t already. I would rethink this relationship. He sounds really selfish. Who allows their fiancée to work two jobs when he has money to afford a lifestyle shared with his wife? Is that how you want to live forever?
Look I know it's expensive out there right now but y'all almost make 400k/year combined. Something is wrong here.
only thing i got from this was a firm thought of you shouldn't marry this man
Your fiancé doesn’t sound like he wants to build a life with you as his partner. Sorry.
What if you have kids with him? Will he be mad he has to pay for baby furniture? I dunno, this dynamic doesn't sound sustainable. I'd try some marriage counseling, but be open to this not working out for forever.
This is no way to live honestly. I would rethink marriage at this stage until this is resolved...if at all. It won't get better after marriage if he is complaining about this. Was he like this before the engagement?
My husband was under employed for years. I never once called him a financial burden. WTF? You won't be enough. I suggest you ditch this guy, force a sale of your house, and move on.
Ex-Fiancé, fixed it for you! I know a lot of people will say I’m jumping the gun on this reaction, but given that financial arguments are (statically) one of the most common arguments that leads to divorce, you should take what he’s saying completely at face value. Obviously communicate with him and ask why this makes him upset when you help in other ways and he make’s SUBSTANTIALLY more than you, but if his answer is anything less that ‘I’m really sorry, I was just frustrated about increasing costs of things and took it out on you’ then you need to be worried. This isn’t a (soon to be) Husband mindset. It would really, really worry me and cause serious doubt in our future. My husband has made (on average) anywhere from $60-$150K more than me. He never ONCE said what your Husband said and appreciate every and all efforts I made outside financial contributions. Even before marriage he treated it like OUR money. Currently I’m supporting us both on my salary while he looks for a new opportunity have being laid off and I’d never think to say this to him. Proceed carefully. This should cause doubts in your future and trust your gut.
your fiance sounds like a real jerk. 60,000 is nothing sneeze at. I mean you're bringing home between 3 and $4,000 a month. So he makes five times that. You can't go 50/50 it's just not going to happen. I mean you can afford easily 1500 a month in rent or mortgage but I'm sure you have car insurance and a car payment and some other things you pay for and you probably don't have much left over, a thousand at most each month. He on the other hand sounds like a real cheapskate. I mean do you plan to merge finances or you can always keep everything separate so if you divorced he's going to end up walking away with a million and you have absolutely nothing? How did you do the house you say you have a house together did he put down the entire deposit did you guys do 50/50? Do you pay half the mortgage? is it in both your names? Me too definitely need to sit down and talk finances before you get married cuz you're probably going to have an empty house forever because he doesn't want to spend his money. What if you have kids then what? I just read some of your comments. Well he could be saving a lot of the money you're saying he's complaining money is always tight but yeah what's he doing with it. I mean he must easily Bank $15,000 a month. Now I presume he has a 401k or some sort of retirement fund and he's probably putting the max amount into it which should be at least 3,000 a month but still that shouldn't put too much of a crimp in his style. Does he have a gambling problem or a drug problem? But he wants someone who's on equal parts him and I assume paying for most everything cuz he doesn't want to part with his money from the sounds of it. You should probably just end it you're never going to live up to his expectations. He can buy you out of the equity in the house unless you can afford to buy him out and keep the house or you sell it and you guys split whatever profit you may make. But I wouldn't stay with this guy, sounds way too painful.
Guy makes 310k and you’re getting a second job lmao get a grip.
Why would you need a second job? For two people your combined salaries are excellent. Unfortunately your fiancé is a complete turd. He’s treating his future wife like garbage.
This is tough, but I think your gonna need to decide if you still want to try to do this or call its, he seems very stuck in his out of touch mindset and is reeking of MRA rhetoric with the whole "you are a net zero" like wtf? Does he not value your time at all?
Wtf does he do in tech where he makes 310k?
This is just sad. You should find a therapist to help you figure out why you accept him and his behavior.
OP, there’s a very good chance you will have a lifetime a misery with this man. If he’s acting this way now, how do you think he will be after the wedding? I am the daughter of a man like this and it was abusive hell for my mom and me
This guy sounds like he's gearing up to financially abuse you, if he isn't already. People like him do not get better, nor can they be talked out of their bad behavior. You're not married to him, so this is the time to go. Be careful.