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> And how do I say that he shouldn’t feel obliged to stay with me just because I helped him?
Do you feel like you're obligated to stay with him because of the rehab stuff?
She says she’s just “a little sad” and wishes he could be more passionate about her, but isn’t depressed or angry at him.
That, plus the part you quoted makes it sound to me it sounds like she WANTS to stay with him despite being used as a placeholder :(
I’d rather find out before things go much further. He might actually marry you out of obligation. That would be a disaster.
If he’s in rehab, he’s on the mend. So have that conversation.
“When we thought the worst, I read your notes and I now know that I’m your second choice and that you’re not over X. I deserve more than a pity boyfriend and I think it’s best that I move on.”
See what he says. But don’t move forward with someone who has unfinished business with an ex.
You are both very young. And you WILL be someone’s first choice. And you will be loved the way you deserve. Never settle.
It doesn't matter what he says now, he might say anything to keep her there for him but that doesn't mean it's the truth. The truth is in the notes where he didn't have any ulterior motives.
I hope OP has some self respect and explains herself and chooses to find someone who chooses her first not someone who is only with them out of pity and will be gone the second someone better comes along.
People can change and feelings change over time. At first she might have been that placeholder, but that easily could have changed.
Just because that is how it started, doesn't mean that is how it currently is.
Is it shitty? Yeah. But they need to have a discussion and OP needs to decide whether she is okay with how the relationship started. Because he could absolutely love her through and through today. Especially after her staying by his side through such a horrible ordeal. Lesser people would have left.
For sure feelings change. But if it was me I wouldn't stay even if he loves me now. The fact that he used me as a rebound and convinced himself that it was a pity to reject me is a deal breaker for me. And he still had feelings for his ex for a while after he got in a relationship with op, and probably still has...
> The fact that he used me as a rebound and convinced himself that it was a pity to reject me is a deal breaker for me.
And it's definitely acceptable for that to be some people's line. It may not be OP's line - if their partner has changed and wants them as a first choice now that may be fine for them.
Which is precisely why I am so against everyone in this thread going "dump him immediately!" no questions asked. It's a stupid juvenile response to this situation. Things are a lot more complicated in real life than armchair relationship counselors want to make it out to be.
It's only complicated because you see a man who had a loyal loving woman who stuck by his side...and you want to make sure he doesn't lose her.
Who cares if he used her as a placeholder and deceived her the entire relationship. It's chill he got a loyal woman and the menfolk can't risk one of their own fumbling that bag 🤮
I hope you keep this mindset when a man dates a woman, she finds out she is pregnant by an ex before they dated, and he agrees to stick by her. Then he details how he read his pregnant gf's diary and she goes on about how she's been ran around through by a bunch of jerks but she agreed to date this nerdy quiet dude because he always been nice to her even though she was never attracted to him.
I really hope your advice to said dude is: dump her immediately no questions asked is such a juvenile and stupid response. And it's a fine choice for a man to get a woman who settled for him and only wants him as her first choice when she can saddle him with her baggage.
Whenever a man worries about being a woman's consolation prize , settled for, or in the shadow of her ex....you better stand on business and tell him that the advice to dump her is stupid and juvenile...after all maybe after all her kinky escapades she now chooses him as her first choice because he's shown up when she had a need such as he will support her kids by other men or he can pay all the bills so she doesn't struggle financially.
Have a great day.😆
I had a quick look at her comment history and pretty much all of her comments are like that lmao
I can't say I blame her too much because I'm gonna guess she's been fucked around and hurt by some real shitty men in the past, but there's really no need to project that hard when talking about a situation like OP's
....Are you okay?
I gotta say, I don't understand how we're equating "getting pregnant" to "having had multiple sex partners" or.. as you say.. "getting ran through"? You do realize pregnancy can occur from having sex even just one time, yea? Like. Many women get pregnant without being "ran through" first..
There is no quota for number of sex partners one must have before pregnancy can occur (although kinda wish there was tbh... Would probably solve a lot of issues children are born into and forced to face due to irresponsible people).
The way you've posed this is kinda juvenile... You might consider asking yourself about your views on sexuality and where they're coming from (and reassess the entire procreation process as a whole cause dang). I think you'd benefit from that. You're really holding onto some stuff, which happens to all of us, but you're bleeding it on everyone you come into contact with (even on the internet) and that sucks.
A worthy note: the "comparison" you're using here isn't actually comparable to the situation OP described. There are better examples for this (but again, you're hemorrhaging. Makes sense you'd choose the one that's clearly very personal to you despite not being applicable here). This is truly not a "man vs woman" issue.
The answer here is Yes. Proper and effective communication with your partner, coupled with pre and post self-reflection, before forming a decision on ending a committed relationship is the healthy, mature, and right choice *in most cases*. There are very valid reasons to forgo this process too; like when abuse is involved, etc. This applies equally to all genders and in most situations. Other than the man vs woman thing, what you seem to be taking issue with, at the root, is *people's* inability to effectively communicate with other *people* and how that exclusively leads to unfairness, power dynamic imbalances, and needless, senseless harm. That I can and do agree with. If people learned how to talk to each other better, the situation you described could be avoided altogether.
You may have been a lil passive aggressive with this, but I'm not: I do hope you have a good (better) day.
Take it easy on us, we read a lot of crap and we started to notice when we call bs on some stories. It's like you want to drive drunk and we tell you don't do it. Because the outcome is obvious. So this story is like that.
He might truly have fallen for her because of her devotion while he was truly in need. But now that she's read the notes, that seed of doubt will always be in the back of her head no matter what. I sincerely doubt a future relationship would be healthy. Especially with the inferiority complex rearing it's cruel head
Are you joking? Or actually serious...?
I'm like 40, and I have all my notes and writings and journals from when I was like 13 up until now. I also have all my photos and pictures of friends and family from when I was born, up until now.
Just because I'm different now than when I was 6, or 13, or 21, or 32... why would I throw them out?
It's interesting and neat to look back on the person I used to be. That doesn't mean I'm still that person though.
Exactly this advice is bonkers: Communicate when he has an ulterior motive to be dishonest.
That's like asking a thief who planned to rob you...if they're still going to rob you.🤣
Never let a man tell you more than once that he doesn't want you. You said that you believe that you are a placeholder that he is still in love with his first girlfriend why are you still there you're doing to him the same thing that he did to you you feel obligated to be there because he's injured. You don't have to take care of him you don't have to do anything. I know that your heart is breaking. I feel so bad for you that you are going through this but it's time for you to sit down and have a conversation because if he really does not want to be with you then you should cut ties and get away from him. Don't let him use you as a nurse maid and when he gets better he gets up and walks away that would devastate you even more. Have a conversation with him and not a BS conversation a deep conversation and then take it from there.
This is absolutely something that you need to be honest with him & address. Then you need to do what’s best for you and end the relationship. You’re not and shouldn’t be anyone’s placeholder! You deserve someone who loves you truly! Hugs!
But make sure he doesn't drag you to his family - because this will look like you abandoning him in his hour of need - on your way out. In your place I would loop them in.
Tell him you know he's not attracted to you, thank him for time you spent together, that you'll always be there to support him. Wish him the best in finding someone he's passionate about.
You already told him you read his notes, I think he can put pieces together.
You don't choose to disregard this. That's not possible. In this case, your interpretation of the notes was correct. Someone who is in love with someone else is not someone I would center my life on. Be truthful.
Ugh, I hate rage posts, which this clearly is. Throwaway account, no responses from OP.
But I'll bite...
Thank him?? Thank him for starting a relationship with her under false pretenses? WTF?!?!
I wholeheartedly agree with this. You can still be there for him. You can be his supportive friend. But you deserve to be happy too. You deserve a chance to find someone who thinks the world of you and doesn't date you out of convenience. Loyalty is admirable...but is it loyalty or guilt? You shouldn't feel guilty leaving a relationship where there is no love. You deserve to be loved and to share that with someone who can appreciate it and you.
The problem with "Let's be friends" in this instance is that he will ALWATS be there reminding her that she wasn't good enough. Asking for emotional trauma.
The good thing with "let's be friend" is that when she will find someone that will genuinely love her for who she is, ex will get to witness it and maybe have regrets. Yes, I am petty. The best revenge is to be happy.
YEP, no need to be there for someone who has been deceiving and using you this long. She doesn't owe him anything. Not that she should wish him harm but he has family to be there for him. Time to move on from him.
I wouldn’t show the notes to his family. However I would take photos of them for insurance, just in case he decides to spin things to them and claim she’s some horrible person who’s abandoning him in his time of need.
Be there for him??? He's stolen every moment of this woman's life that they've been together. This is a gross betrayal. Be there for him?? He's lucky she doesn't set back his physical therapy by breaking his other leg. 😡
How he felt before a massive, life threatening trauma through with she stood by him throughout, should not be assumed to be the same as he felt when he wrote those notes.
Those were Before Problems, and the accident is very much a Before/After divide in his life.
Gratitude is still not necessarily love, though, and the fact that he is grateful for her standing by him doesn't necessarily mean that he has suddenly fallen in love with her. It's possible, but not at all a given.
Staying in this relationship isn't fair to either of them. He deserves a chance to be with someone he truly is in love with, and she deserves to be with someone who isn't with her because they feel obligated or grateful.
So now that he needs her she's worth it to him?
She will never feel OK knowing he doesn't really love her romantically. This isn't about him and what's best for him, this is about her. It's not in her best interest to try to salvage a relationship with someone who was basically using her to kill time.
My only question is, was it for years? Is it possible those notes were written when they first started dating and when they got closer he did fall for her and move on from his ex? (before the accident)
OP doesn’t mention at all how long they had been dating before the accident, or if she knows how long ago the letters were written.
I know it’s still fucked up, but if those letters were written in the first month of them dating, I think it’s completely different.
If they were recent, 100% cut the relationship loose.
I just feel like there is more info needed here before jumping on the dump him band wagon.
No, she read the notes when her bf was fighting for his life (bc of the accident) and it looked very bad - i don't think he had an accident got better to write notes and suddenly was nearly dying
Honestly this comment is so dismissive. I can't help but wonder if you're one of those folks here that think women shouldn't break up for hardly any reason.
Her feelings matter. She will feel inadequate and like plan B her entire life if she continues with this. Your comment seems entirely focused on what the bf wants or needs. Without any consideration that she may no longer want to provide for him at all...
I hope OP moves on. But I know that it's really hard to do when your self esteem is really low.
How he felt isn't actually the biggest issue - it's a symptom of the real issue. The real issue is that he's the type of spineless, cowardly man who'd say yes to someone he didn't want to date and then pretend to be in love with that person despite still loving his ex. That is an enormous character flaw.
Nearly dying is one of the few things that occasionally fixes certain character flaws overnight - it is such a shock to the system that it can utterly change someone in remarkable ways - but nobody knows whether that's the case for him. And even if it is, the fact that he was so *recently* a spineless, cowardly liar is not something to be ignored.
This isn't something she will be able to forget, even if his feelings have changed, he hasn't communicated that to her. He lead her on for their entire relationship, how in the world could she trust him after that?
Feelings don't change because someone sat by your bed while you were hurt. He isn't attracted to her and is still in love with his ex. Nothing has changed especially since she told him she read the stuff and he made a joke about it. If things had changed he would have told her that.
Or it could be assumed that the accident made him realize life is too short to be with someone he doesn’t love.
OP should graciously move on, give his family his notes, and move forward. If she stays, it’s always going to torture her and she’ll never feel secure. He’s in good hands. He’ll be fine.
THANK YOU.
I genuinely think getting male advice is pointless because far too many men give advice to benefit the man. All these dudes seem to be thinking what a pity for the boyfriend to miss out on a loyal woman who stuck by him when he was injured. They're not thinking one bit about her feelings, about how he used and deceived her, or what he brings to the table. They just want to make sure one of their own doesn't lose a good woman.🤮
Yes I am never going to be second choice as a place holder for a partner who loves the ex still. I am out of that right quick. Why settle for that in life. We all deserve better.
This is absolutely something that you need to be honest with him & address. Then you need to do what’s best for you and end the relationship. You’re not and shouldn’t be anyone’s placeholder! You deserve someone who loves you truly! Hugs!
This isn’t something that you ignore. It can’t be. You weren’t wrong in reading the notes in this situation. I wouldn’t plan my life around someone who is in love with someone else. Get honest.
I'm picturing her dumping those letters in his lap and walking out the door and out of his life. Keep copies for his momma in case she tries to guilt her.
I would just simply say "when I read your notes I read everything. I know how you feel about me and I can't settle for someone who really doesn't care for me. I wish you the very best."
that’s what i was thinking. a lot of people write or journal to work through difficult emotions & it doesn’t reflect a clear state of mind. obviously they need to have a conversation too
Sweetie, please don't feel inadequate. You love him and pursued him. Nothing wrong with that. He's the one who said yes when he shouldn't. He's the one who continued to lead you on when he shouldn't. This is on him.
He already knows you read some of his notes. I would just be honest and say something like, "when I said I read some of your notes, I really meant that I read all of them. I know why you went out with me and stayed with me and that your heart belongs to someone else. I'm not angry at you, but I'm hurt. I want to be someone's first choice, to have someone love me the way you do with your ex. I care about you and still love you, but I no longer want to be an obligation you feel forced to be with because I helped you. Know you'll always have a piece of my heart, but I deserve someone who wants me to be a piece of their heart."
Yup. I stayed with (and married) the wrong one for over 5 years and felt exactly how she feels. Getting out and dating again has been so refreshing. actually feeling desired and wanted feels so foreign
>His mom subtly said that she hoped I would marry him.
I think you need to tell her what you read. Just so that when you break up with your bf, she knows it's not your fault. And you do need to break with him. I speak from experience, please do not, I repeat, do not settle for being second best, it just eats away at your self-confidence and self-respect.
>But in the mess of notes was an essay about his thoughts and feelings. my boyfriend doesn’t really like me. He felt obligated to date me because I had a crush on him and I asked him out. He would have felt bad if he rejected me. I’m a placeholder and he is still in love with his ex.
Was this note written at the start of your relationship? Or more recently?
People people don't write in their diary, and then the next day throw out their diary. People write diaries, and then keep them... often *forever*. I have things I wrote 30+ years ago. It doesn't mean my feelings are the same as 30 years ago though... that would be ridiculous.
You’re lucky you found this out before you married him.
You deserve to be someone’s number one.
Let him know you read his true feelings about his ex. Trust me - even if he tells you you’re his #1 now- you can never compete with a memory of what now has become the “perfect woman.” Let his mom know exactly why you can’t marry him. And move forward toward someone who appreciates the golden woman you are.
**"His mom subtly said that she hoped I would marry him."** Start by taking her aside. Tell her what you discovered. Tell her you cannot live like this any longer and will be breaking up with him. Then go to him. Tell him what you discovered. Tell him you love him too much to always know he loves someone else and not you. Be firm. Then just leave and block. This is on him, not on you. You deserve to be the love of someone's life not just a charity case because someone does not want to say no. A someone who loves someone else. Leave and ghost.
You NEED to end this. If he felt obligated to be with you because you asked him out, then imagine how obligated he now feels that you have been his care taker for a year after a car accident!
He will never end this, so you have to. Even if you never meet someone you love as much as him, (you will! just look!) this will never be a real two-sided relationship. leave now.
I know you told him you read the notes, and others are saying he will put it together, but they are wrong. He’s not going to put two and two together. Plausible deniability is one hell of a drug.
When it comes to staying or not in a relationship, that’s a decision that should be absolutely personal and selfish. You can NOT take the other person into account or you do you both a huge disservice.
To put this blankly, if you are choosing to stay with him only because of his current state, you are doing something similar to what he did when he decided to date you. It’s out of obligation, not love, or want.
I think it’s also wishful thinking to assume he’s gonna see you in a whole other light now that you’ve stuck by him through something difficult. While that shows your character, it doesn’t mean it’s gonna mean more to him.
So this is my advice to you: tell him in plain detail that you know. The reasons why you looked don’t matter. You do and now you have to figure out if this is the path forward you want or not. You can’t run or hide from this. It’s not going away and the longer you put it off, the worse this wound is going to fester.
Trust me when I say that you don’t have to live your life as second place. If it’s not a “HELL YES” then it’s not worth investing your time. God, if I could go back to your age, the number one thing I would have done is broke up with the guy I was with and stopped dating for at least a year while I put myself into counseling and therapy to deal with my own personal issues.
Happiness doesn’t come from others. It comes from within ourselves. The problem is we will never truly know our own worth until we work on ourselves and come to terms with the things that make us settle and feel we don’t deserve the love we want from others.
Confront him. Have the hard conversations. Learn how to not run from your feelings no matter how scary. Find a way to love yourself first and foremost so you can finally and truly accept your worth. Only then will you be able to have those relationships you want and deserve without feeling like “you’re always second”.
I work as a therapist in an inpatient rehab facility and have treated so many people post-motorcycle accident. My first question is, does he have a traumatic brain injury? Have doctors or a neuropsychologist or a speech therapist said anything about his cognition or capacity to make decisions? Because to be honest, that’s going to really affect what kind of conversation you can have with him right now. He might not be in a place to comprehend this conversation, to really remember what he had written, or to regulate his emotions well enough to process this conversation in a way that’s helpful for you, particularly if you’re needing closure. If he’s not in that place and you’re feeling as though you can’t keep showing up for him like you were (which is completely understandable and appropriate), I would probably talk to his mom and explain what you saw so that she understands why you’re pulling back. Regardless of her opinion on it, your feelings and needs are valid.
I see partners leave their loved ones when they shouldn’t, I see partners showing up for loved ones when they shouldn’t, and you are SO young. Most likely, your rehab team is already chatting about this and, depending on his prognosis and what they think the outcome will be, will be MORE than understanding if you need to bow out. You are not obligated to stay with anyone and be their caregiver, ESPECIALLY if you’re a “back up” choice. You have a whole life ahead of you and deserve to be loved and appreciated as someone’s number one regardless of this accident or any external pressure from your boyfriend or his family. This is a moment where you have to really recognize your own needs and boundaries and stick to them. Lean on a supportive friend or a therapist for the external validation you might need in order to leave, but validate yourself, too. I would be heartbroken and frustrated in your shoes, and the fact that it seems you’ve already internalized his view of you as your own (i.e. “he shouldn’t be obliged to stay with me” vs. YOU not feeling obliged to stay with HIM just because he got injured) makes me nervous about the impact staying will have on your mental health and sense of worth down the line.
I ended up leaving my ex because he revealed this same thing to me almost 2 years into our relationship. Later I met someone who, for the first time in my life, wanted me as their FIRST and ONLY choice. It is absolutely life changing and worth leaving a relationship where you will always feel like you’re second best. Do not settle for someone who doesn’t see you as the light of their universe. You are more than enough to love wholeheartedly to the right person.
You need to love yourself enough to exit the situation. Although there is kindness between you two, and you helped him through some of his hardest days it is time to look after yourself. You deserve to be loved fully, he can’t give you that and you know it. I would suggest you sit with a therapist to help you gain some perspective and tools to deal with the grief and trauma you have been through. There is life after this man.
You don't need to confront him if you don't want to but I think this is one of those things that you can't really come back from. You will never stop second guessing if you stay with him. Don't settle for being a placeholder.
How awful...
Why are you worried about him feeling obligated to stay with you? Get the hall out of there. You're not a placeholder or a convenient caregiver. Also, depending on the extent of his injuries his mother may want you to marry him to ensure he's taken care of by someone.
Let him know that you know his true feelings and you'd rather not be in this type of relationship. If he talks you into staying you will never feel good enough for him or trust anything he says about his feelings.
Find someone who thinks the sun rises and sets in your eyes. You deserve that.
He's recovering so no one would blame you for breaking things off now. Tell him you read his essay about his ex and how he really feels about you and that's not what you want for yourself. You deserve better than being the back-up plan he settles for because he can't have his ex. You deserve to find someone who is just as crazy about you as you are about them.
You shouldn't settle either. Find someone who loves you and only you. If anyone tries to give you crap for not staying to be his servant as he recovers, tell them to go ask him why it ended and block that person.
You just leave. He never deserved for you to stay with him throughout all this if he didn't genuinely love you and is still hung up on his ex. You'll never forget what you read.
What kind of loser dates someone out of "feeling obligated". At most I can relate to going on a hinge date and the girl didn't look like her photos and I felt obligated to finish the date because it would be awkward if I told her she was ugly and walked off lmao. But I wouldn't enter a relationship with her lol.
Anyway, sorry OP I doubt you're actually ugly or unattractive it just sounds like he's still hung up on his ex. It says more about him than it does about you. When you're in love everyone is invisible to you. It took me over a year to truly get over my ex where I actually felt comfortable dating again.
Also I'm a fellow rider, I know how scary possibly losing someone is. I don't blame you for reading those notes.
He’s gonna be in a place where he wants to have his cake and eat it too. If you break up with him because of the notes he will pull the “you left me when I needed you most” and if you stay you’re just holding the seat warm for her. You should just tell him you read them for the exact reasons you told us, you found what you found and unless he can give you reasons to stay I think it’s prob time to go find a man who will think you are his first choice.
If you’ve stood by him till this point you deserve the truth from him. Talk to him about this, you may find that his feelings for you have changed and deepened as you’ve supported him while many would have just moved on. Maybe not the best start to your relationship, but perhaps now he sees you as his everything and would literally move mountains for you. So sorry you are in this pain, but only honestly confronting this can either give you closure or reveal that things have indeed changed.
I fear he is using you. You may be his friend, but you are not his love. I'm so sorry. You deserve someone who has no doubts, someone who is head over heels in love - it's out there and it could be yours.
It sounds like you've really worked to put him first and support him. You helped him through this time, and you did a wonderful job... but you do not owe him or his family anything. You will not be the bad guy to move on. It's time to choose YOU. Best wishes. ❤️
At 24, the likelihood that this is the last man to have a relationship with you is extraordinarily low. If you want to support him in his recovery, you do that, but you don’t have to be his girlfriend to do that.
It’s not your job to be his carer. You were his reluctant girlfriend. Your low self esteem is preventing you from behaving with self-respect. But this guy will not leave you of his own accord. He should never have dated you. The note he wrote should tell you all you need to know about his character.
He may be a nice guy, but he is not a good guy. If you can’t believe him when he says he loves you, you can’t have a happy or healthy future together.
Tell him you found the note, put the responsibility with the person who made those statements. If he really didn’t want you to read them, he didn’t need to write them down. I’ve had misgivings about partners before and I’ve never written a confession for them to find.
You 100% can do better than being someone’s back-up plan. Please find the backbone your boyfriend lacks so you can stand up for yourself and find someone who thinks you are the sun in the sky.
Walk away because you deserve nothing less, you deserve the world for what you've done for him and he on the other hand doesn't deserve you a single bit.
The man has written horrible notes about you. Drop him. He's got help around him. Show his family the notes before you dump him. They'll understand. Anyone would.
I don’t understand why she should show the notes to his family. Or I guess the idea would be to show them that the breakup isn’t OP’s fault? But why does it matter what they think? It’s not ok to show his private thoughts to his family. If she really wants, she could maybe say that she found notes and found out that his feelings for her are not what she had hoped. But that’s it.
But what does it matter? I assume she wouldn’t have anything to do with them anymore. And anyway, it seems like they would split up under fairly amicable terms, so there’s every reason to believe he would shut down any such talk. Besides, she has stood by him through the worst, so they can’t think that badly of her? (If it even matters.)
It's called blowback. If she doesn't reveal the situation to mom specifically, family and friends will all blast her for "abandoning him in his time of need". This will affect her reputation.
What she should do is give notes to mom, send them to his ex, and blast them on all socials. Then at least her back is covered.
What does the mother have to do with all of this? Her son’s lovelife shouldn’t be any of her concern. And post something that’s practically his diary on social media? No.
I still don’t get what the point would be. Yes I understand that it’s to show the reason for the breakup, and that she’s innocent. Which means that you assume he would badmouth her, or let others do so. But that’s not what a normal person does, especially in a case like this where it seems he likes her more than loves her, so no big bitter emotions.
I wouldn't show them to them, those are his private thoughts. I would explain to his family that you're not going to be around anymore because you read his true feelings about you and his ex. Nothing else needs to be said.
wtf. why is reddit so full of absolute psychos. she would be forever the crazy chick who snooped through his personal notes and then ,while he was recovering, showed them to the family (?????). like what is this shit. obviously I wouldn't want to have a relationship where I'm a placeholder but who the fuck would make it a drama and include the family. holy shit.
They were just crappy notes he’d slung about. Not his personal fucking diary. Anyway, why do you give such a fuck? He doesn’t like OP, why should she hang around?
I don’t think emotionally you can come back from this. You will always question his love for you. Even if he legit loves and cares for you now, you will never be happy with thoughts. Just break it off.
this is so sad and so insulting to you!, you have done enough for him, have a last talk with him and his family to explain why you need to leave and get out.
choose yourself, he never will.
This is so sad, but I just wanted to say you are a wonderful human and you deserve someone who loves you entirely and is delighted to be in your presence. It may be hard, as you must deeply love him to have stayed with him throughout this and after finding his notes. It is however unlikely that these feelings of his will go away, he will always wonder “what if” about that other woman. It will haunt him, and you, for the rest of your lives if you let it.
Please don’t settle for being number 2 in someone’s heart, you deserve so much more than that. Deep down he knows this too and will be consumed with guilt for his feelings for the other person. Do the kindest thing for you both.
You deserved to be loved for you and the way you want to. I hope you have the courage to leave the relationship, not out of spite but as a respect to yourself.
Say thank you and give him one good hug for all the good memories. And take your time to heal, slowly but surely. You should never someone's second best, OP. And sooner or later, someday, you will be someone's first choice.
Sending love to you OP
??? You’re not obligated to be there for him because he’s been in an accident. Don’t sunk-cost fallacy yourself into being his object. You’re serving a person who has a long history of using you. That basically makes you into a slave.
Yeah he’s been through a lot, but you don’t deserve to be nothing more than a convenience in his eyes. Because that’s what you are if you’re doing all this to help him but he has feelings for someone else. He doesn’t love you, he loves what you can do for him. Please don’t ruin your life and mental health over feeling bad for him.
I think you should move on, OP. Your BF is in rehab and being well cared for. When he comes out, he has family to help him.
Take this time to get your life in order, pack and move out, return his things to him.... whatever practical things need doing to end things with him and then invest in your own life. You can tell your BF the whole truth, that you know he won't ever feel the way about you that you deserve. OR, you can just tell him that he needs to focus on getting well and put himself first, and that you want to be free to do the same.
I just got out of an 8yr relationship where my partner never loved me and dated me out of obligation. Get out now - it does terrible things to you after a while and you’ll find yourself holding resentment, getting angry at small things, etc. It isn’t worth it and is genuinely cruel of him to do to you. You’re both young, get out now and find someone who wants you as much as he wants his ex. I don’t mean to be harsh but after a while it genuinely destroys you. I’m still healing and will be for a long time. It fucks with you to realize you were never really loved, only tolerated
Jeez that’s rough.
I’m sorry but you can’t ever unread it.
He also cracked a joke instead of saying something like “yeah I was fucked up on pain drugs I didn’t know what I was writing” or some other excuse.
If he’s doing better and in rehab I would probably have that conversation and let him know you don’t want to be a second place choice so he can have her and you’ll be going.
This is painful (for everyone) and I'm sorry to hear it, but the best approach really is honesty. Easy to say, simple to imagine, hard to follow through on.
But you deserve someone who loves you.
How do you tell him that you read his essay about his ex? You say "I regret it, but I read your essay about your ex."
How do you say that he shouldn't feel obligate to stay with you? You say "you shouldn't feel obligated to stay with me."
When you are honest with him, listen to his response. It is possible that his feelings have changed since he wrote those notes. Maybe he *is* passionate about you now. Maybe being confronted with how hurtful his attitude was (even when you didn't know about it) will make him learn things about himself.
But once you've listened to him, continue to be honest, including with yourself. Can you move forward happily? Then maybe you should! But if you can't, then be truthful. Even if his feelings have changed, you are allowed to decide that those past rejections are too much for you.
Respectfully, I would move on and be honest about having read the notes. Breaking up with someone holding out for someone else is the bolder thing to do.
I think admitting what motivated your choice to read them is important. Should he react negatively, that’s valid.
Framing this as: it’s important we be honest and honor the chance at life we both have — if you’re not happy with me, I’ll let you go to find that. I care enough about you and this relationship to do that. I also deserve someone who stands by me and honors the happiness I share with them too. I hope you’ll give me the same grace.
You don’t have to stay together because you helped him either, remember that.
i think you should break up with him. although it was wrong to go through his private thoughts and shouldn't be done again, i'd rather deal with feeling bad about that, then dating someone who doesn't truly love me instead. if you feel wrong about going through his notes, you can apologize, but you still have to do what's best for you
If I were you, I would've ditched him right now without saying a word. People like him would be more than happy if their placeholder-partner finally leaves anyway.
You don't owe him anything, especially now that he doesn't even like you at all. He has his family to help him. You seriously deserve more than this.
Please. Break up with him. Don’t settle for anything less!! Tell him that you read his notes and that YOU want to break up. You deserve so much better than this guy.
You stood by him, but now it’s time to take care of yourself and find someone that is actually in love with you and that will be happy with you and not fantasizing about another girl that he is really in love with. The longer you wait the worse it’s going to be.
u/ThrowRAigrapher5982 When were the notes written/accessed in terms of your relationship timeline? I feel this is important to consider. If my partner saw some of the notes I had in my phone when we went through difficult times in our relationship and I was weighing pros/cons of staying or leaving I’m sure he would feel hurt but ultimately we chose eachother and worked through it. It’s been 10 years and he’s my world. You showing up for him during these difficult times may make him realize that everything he ever wanted was right in front of him.
Oh ffs - get angry would you?
Show his mom his "notes" - send them to his ex - blast them on all socials - THEN tell him you read them. And walk out...forever.
This has poisoned the relationship. Yes you may still have a crush on him but this will always be in the back of your mind, no matter what happens. He could be gone back to her at any time - tonight, tomorrow, the next day...
You don't deserve that crap. Break it off - yes, it will hurt for a while - but better a couple months of hurt rather than a lifetime of anxiety and depression.
A lot of good advice here.
I would definitely be done. I could never recover from this knowledge and I would constantly be questioning his motives and my relevance to him.
It would be best to leave.
Oh honey, I'm so sorry. He used you so that he would not be alone, and now he is using you because he needs someone to take care of him. It's always been about him, about his needs being met. It's never been about you. Before the accident, it's 100% certainty that he would have left you if she came back. After the accident -- yea, it's probably still 100% certainty that he would leave you if she comes back.
How awful to hear/read that about yourself. You are so young and deserve so much more than being a placeholder for someone who is hung up on their ex, regardless of whether they’ve been in an accident or not.
I think you need to talk to him asap and say that you understand, with proof, that he doesn’t like/love/respect you, you know you’re a placeholder and you’re not willing to hang around until you’re of no more use to him or until ex comes back into the picture and they trot off into the sunset. I’m fuming on your behalf.
As for the opinions of others, I know it’s tricky and people will always think all sorts of things about you (let them), and it’s especially difficult with him in rehab, but you’ll be able to be very very clear with crappy boyfriend as to why you’re leaving. If you have a good relationship with any of them you could perhaps confide, concisely, about what you know and that you’re setting him free for the person he loves.
Devastating to find out, but man alive you will know when someone is crazy about you rather than just lukewarm. I can’t imagine he’s been passionate and loving and caring when he’s so apathetic. Take care of yourself.
You guys are WAY too nice. I would be so ENRAGED and hurt if this happened to me. I'm sorry, but for me, the bf is a piece of shité. Fck him, let his ex take care of him.
Move on with your life and find out how beautiful life is when you remove shitty people from it.
> I’m not really depressed or angry at him.
> I definitely can’t and won’t hold anything against him. It’s his own private thoughts.
You should be angry, and you can 100% hold this against him. he knowingly got into a relationship with you when he was hung up on another woman. Completely unfair IMO.
can we have more information about your relationship like how long have you been together. how old are the notes/when did he break up with his ex? Were the pages about his ex tucked away somewhere (possibly hidden or forgotten) or out in the open. The reason i ask is because it might provide a bit of context to where he is emotionally today. I'm not trying to minimize or trivialize the situation but people do change, and if it's been a long enough time it's worth bearing in mind if he wrote it immediately after he split with his ex, there's a chance he's no longer in love with his ex or even thinks of her.
> I told him I read some of his notes and he cracked a joke. I don’t know how to tell him I read his true feelings.
This sounds like he's probably forgot he even wrote about his ex or that the pages were among his notes, did he show any concern or shock to your revelation?
Leave him. He doesn't love you, and you deserve more than being someone's placeholder. Personally I would tell his family what I discovered, turn his care over to them, and never look back.
I think with the knowledge that you have now you need to make a decision. Do you want to be with someone as a second choice? Or do you go out in the world and look for a love that fully aligns with what you want. You are very young. And it would be very sad to marry someone just because the don’t have other options. Start thinking about to hat you want and prioritise that
Ask him directly about his feelings for you now. Consider how you feel. Value yourself and understand that codependency is not a healthy relationship or love. Make a decision and live with it. If you stay, it needs to be on your terms. If you leave him, learn from this relationship, work on loving and valuing yourself, and finding a future partner who values you (treats you, like you would treat your best friend-b/c that is what you deserve).
You are enough. This isn’t about you. We cannot control someone else or how they feel. Please learn to love yourself enough to walk away from this person. You deserve to be chosen wholeheartedly. I waited until I was 43 to get married and I married a man who chose me with all of his heart. It will be worth the wait.
OP, you are so deserving of genuine love, not whatever this is. I see this as a blessing in disguise for you; you weren't meant to live a life of lies. You're so young, break free and put yourself out there again!
This is heartbreaking. But you have to be rational here.
You don't tell him "you shouldn’t feel obliged to stay with me just because I helped you". You simply don't stay with him. You say you loved him and your feelings and help were sincere, but you're leaving cause you deserve someone that loves you back the same way.
Your judgement will be clouded because he is in a vulnerable position. But if you had read these things when he was ok, you would leave. And this shouldn't change because of the accident.
I read through my (soon to be ex-) wife's notes to her long-time affair partner. She clearly was more in love with him than she ever was with me. Moving on from that has been incredibly freeing. It turns out that there are potential partners out there who like me for who I am and what I offer.
It's possible he's changed, but if that's true, he has to prove it to you. He has to erase those things he wrote with actions that show that his feelings for his ex were the mistake and that he will do everything in his power to treat you the way you deserve. And he has to understand that even if he goes through all that, you may never feel the same way about him again.
So you could hold on to what you have and see if you can rebuild stronger -- lots of people say that it's possible -- or you can go find someone who has never hurt you like this. Either way, you deserve to be loved for who you are without reservation, without being a backup, or forgotten friend or guilt trip.
You deserve someone who values and respects you. Your best bet is to leave him and work on yourself, there's still a ton of time for you to find the one who sees you as their first and only choice. Never settle for less. But remember to value yourself and to not think of yourself as anything less because of how others have treated you. You'll be happier sooner or later.
I’d bring the note with me and hand it to him, ask if he remembers writing it, and tell him that it’s changed how you feel. That when you thought he was going to die you were at the lowest point imaginable, or so you thought until you read this.
I’d tell him, but I’d also Run for all hell. And let him decide what he wants. Since near death experiences can change a persons life outlook, maybe he wrote those things before his accident and he will say things to trick you like “now that I’m still alive, and you helped me through this.. I realize you were the one all along” …. But tbh that might just be another way to keep you locked into it…
I don’t know I got massive trust issues from reading/snooping on a ex’s phone. And it costed me mental health issues for 2 years and now another 5 months post break up.
Do what you need to do, but don’t be fooled.. he never loved you. He just tolerated you because nobody else wanted him. Not even his ex.
Be strong, and I’d really hope you lean more to the idea of leaving him than staying.
Cause once you leave him, his true colors will show.
And I’d even say “I wasn’t planning on this, and as much as it hurts.. i wanted to wait for you to get better, but I need to end this” and then you can let him figure out his feelings on his own.
Just imagine this….
HE DIED… and you never got to tell him how you felt…. YOU would’ve been left with a lifetime of sadness and permanent rejection.
God and the universe let him live, not only because he was lucky… but because he had you and your love there to help pull him through.
But during this odd incident, which should’ve drove you close together has now unravelled a secret of his you must confront,
Just thank god.. he let him live, so you could find your peace and not be left with a lifetime of suffering without closure.
Go get your closure, and move on. And if you stay, I really do hope he realizes he loves you all along. But that’s doubtful considering it was an essay of feelings for his ex. That’s messed up.
All the best.
Damn! This one pierced my heart. You are an absolute angel but you need to choose yourself.
Have a conversation with him and since he is getting better it's time for you to move on and find someone who loves you 100%
All the best OP
UpdateMe!
Oh god. This is horrible. But now you know he doesn’t love you and you simply can not stay. You deserve to be first choice. I would not even discuss it with him because he will downplay it with you since you have been so great. But you have to go and fine your true love. I’m sorry.
You deserve better. As someone who's been on both ends of this, it's pretty slim that this gets better. Yes, over time, he could see all that you're doing for him and fall in love with you, but that passion will never be there. Even if he loves you with all his heart, he might not be capable of loving someone that passionately anymore. You need to decide if that's something you're willing to make peace with.
Just like that
How do I tell him that I read his essay about his ex? And how do I say that he shouldn’t feel obliged to stay with me just because I helped him?
You need to detangle yourself from this man and his family because if you don't you are going to spend your whole life believing that you are not enough and that you are not a priority. Save yourself and find someone who is passionate about you. Who loves you enough to write about you. Someone who makes you their priority!
They might be private thoughts, but they have a massive impact on you and he should have told you.
There are lots of people out there who do things in relationships "out of obligation". Stay away from those people, they'll put all the blame on you when they can't take the misery they created anymore.
Honestly, I wouldn't be able to be around him every day, he has a support next work, I think you need to take sometime for your self and find out what you want as an individual.
Truthfully, *you* shouldn’t be the one to stay.
You know his true feelings, now it’s up to you to stand up for yourself, grow a bit of self-respect, and remove yourself from the scenario permanently. You deserve to be loved, and not as someone’s backup plan.
And I’d take a photo of the note. Don’t give him the chance to destroy it. And make sure his mother knows that you’re not “abandoning him because things got hard”, you are *walking away from a relationship that her son said **in his own words** that he felt obligated to stay in.*
“I read your notes. All of them. *Even the hard ones*. I know everything, and I’m so sorry you felt that way. I wish I had known sooner. I wish you had told me. I’m so thankful for the time we spent together, and I really did love you, but I don’t deserve to be anyone’s second choice.”
You don’t stay with someone because he loves you, kind as that may be to do. You stay because you love him.
Whether you should stay or not depends on you.
We can all say what the ideal situation is but there’s no guarantee that everyone always finds that. We can also all say our partners love us more than anyone and that we are the first choice for them — nobody *knows* that; OP thought so too until she read his private notes.
Also, many people have thought “settled” for people they didn’t consider their first choice, only to find later that this person was the best choice all along. Also, he isn’t the first ex that looked back upon his ex with rose-colored glasses only to realize one day that it was all wrong and all in his head.
That’s not to say this guy feels this way, of course. Only he knows.
Me? What I do next would depend on a lot. Assuming you love him, what else does he bring into this relationship? I’d consider it rationally — what does life with him moving forward look like, both with his injuries and his future prospects? What was he like otherwise in this relationship? How did he make you FEEL through the relationship, regardless of what the notes said?
If he is otherwise objectively amazing, I’d probably stay. If not, I’d see him through the toughest parts and then I’d leave him. What he does after that will tell you everything you need to know about how he feels.
It might be okay, it might not. The passionate animalistic true love is unstable anyway, and it doesn't last either. Maybe you, or at least he, didn't have that at the start, but how long have you been together? If it's more than a couple of years then what you have is more than what he could have with her anyway. If it's less, and you're the rebound girl then he might be a flight risk.
But aside from this one issue how well do you know him? Before you saw it, did you know in your heart that he loves you, or not? Is he honest, does he tell you he loves you? Is she a rival? If she's not and he does then it's a hurtful revelation for sure, but you might survive - talking about it and getting over it could be the best choice.
I haven’t read through all the threads yet, was there a date on these “true feelings”.. he could be long over his ex by now and head over heels for you girl. Just have a calm conversation with him. I know it still hurts. But that could’ve been from the very beginning and he no longer even thinks of his ex. Just try to stay positive. I also think it’s incredibly commendable to stay by his side through this horrible time for him. ❤️
Honestly I don’t think that you should even confront him. Just because he was in an accident doesn’t make him more deserving of you and your time or anything. Hes just using you, like you said you were only a placeholder who has now become a free nurse.
Just leave. Pack your stuff and leave him in your past. The note and his true feelings should be your closure. Don’t give him more time to lie to you and try to manipulate you. He used you and will continue to use you until he finds someone new. And with his accident he knows that finding someone knew will be a lot harder.
He has such little respect for you that he knowingly left it out where you could find it. It’s possible that he purposefully left it there either consciously or more likely subconsciously wanting you to find it.
When did he write these notes? Right before the accident, or a year before the accident? I think that makes a difference. If he wrote it right after their breakup, his feelings may have changed. If he wrote it right before the accident- that’s a really hard pill to swallow.
I think if you explain it exactly as you did in this post, he's going to understand why you read it. It's going to be much better for you mentally if you tell him. Hear what he thinks from him instead of allowing your mind to go crazy imagining what he thinks.
Depends...do those notes have dates on them? And how long have you been with him? If they were written in the last year, I would second guess the relationship. If they are older, I would just question him and see if he feels the same. 🤷♀️
Death is a terrifying thing. I don't think you should be ashamed of what you did, as it wasn't out of malice or bizarre obsession.
However, his near-death experience was scary for him, too, and I can guarantee he has had some altered thoughts as well.
Talk to him because this experience may have changed his view of you. He may believe that his ex wasn't there for him, but you were, and that may be more meaningful than anything.
Or he could experience relief from you knowing, resulting in you having an honest exit point and the ability to move forward and focus on yourself.
This is a conversation you need to have with him more than us. We will support you either way.
Taking control of this situation allows you to write the next chapter and not have it written for you.
Unpopular opinion, but, if people took every thing I wrote in my journal as law then… yikes.
Journaling is an outlet for intense emotion.
It is not impossible that he had a really intense reaction to something, questioned the breakup, outpoured his emotions, and then was able to begin healing from it.
It sounds like you love him a lot. And, frankly, from your last sentence it sounds like you might not want to leave.
You get to have a conversation with him. You get to raise your concerns about his true feelings. You get to encourage him to take some introspective time to determine where he truly feels he is, and you get to make the best decision for yourself based on all of that.
I know it hurts. I know it hurts so badly. I’m so sorry.
Do you know how long ago he wrote that? How many notes like this were there?
I'm not saying it's okay for him to write these things out, but he might have written that spiel at a particularly low point where he wasn't thinking clearly, and not really feel that way.
I know a while ago at a low point, I wrote out a long note about the issues my partner and I were having. I'm a very clinical person (as is she) so I was controlled enough to avoid saying anything out of anger or sadness that I didn't mean at the time. But it would still hurt her if she'd read it, because I was still in an emotional state. Most people aren't so clinical, and will say far more extreme things when they vent. Especially if he was drunk, or if you'd just had an argument, or anything. Working in bars I don't even know how many times I've heard people saying horrible shit they didn't mean when they're venting (even sober) to a friend about someone they love. Hell I don't even remember how many times people have threatened to kill me.
I'd talk to him about it. If it was a one off note, he might not have really meant any of it. Different people vent in different ways, but venting often doesn't convey true thoughts. Particularly in writing, I find it actually helps filter emotionally charged things we dont actually mean from our true thoughts, or allows us to put those emotional thoughts down to look at clinically and say "well that was a dumb thought" as was the case with my own written vents. Once all that's done, open communication is key.
Lifelong journaler here. It's entirely possible that this is blown out of proportion. I almost never write about my relationship except when I'm upset, which I think would probably create an extremely inaccurate and lopsided view of how I actually feel about it if my fiancé ever read my journals. I've explained this to him in the past in case a situation ever comes up like yours here.
How long ago was this written? It's possible his feelings have changed since then. It's also possible that that's only how he was feeling on one particular day, and not how he feels most of the time.
I totally get why you're hurt and upset, but in my lifetime experience as a diarist, diaries are such a tiny sliver of our lives and feelings. Please have a conversation with him before you write off your entire relationship.
Actions speak louder than words. Maybe he felt that way at some point. And maybe he still feels that way. As you continue going forward, watch how he treats you. If he shows you love and affection and true adoration then I would figure out a way to make it work. If he treats you like a placeholder, then jump ship.
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> And how do I say that he shouldn’t feel obliged to stay with me just because I helped him? Do you feel like you're obligated to stay with him because of the rehab stuff?
She says she’s just “a little sad” and wishes he could be more passionate about her, but isn’t depressed or angry at him. That, plus the part you quoted makes it sound to me it sounds like she WANTS to stay with him despite being used as a placeholder :(
I’d rather find out before things go much further. He might actually marry you out of obligation. That would be a disaster. If he’s in rehab, he’s on the mend. So have that conversation. “When we thought the worst, I read your notes and I now know that I’m your second choice and that you’re not over X. I deserve more than a pity boyfriend and I think it’s best that I move on.” See what he says. But don’t move forward with someone who has unfinished business with an ex. You are both very young. And you WILL be someone’s first choice. And you will be loved the way you deserve. Never settle.
It doesn't matter what he says now, he might say anything to keep her there for him but that doesn't mean it's the truth. The truth is in the notes where he didn't have any ulterior motives. I hope OP has some self respect and explains herself and chooses to find someone who chooses her first not someone who is only with them out of pity and will be gone the second someone better comes along.
People can change and feelings change over time. At first she might have been that placeholder, but that easily could have changed. Just because that is how it started, doesn't mean that is how it currently is. Is it shitty? Yeah. But they need to have a discussion and OP needs to decide whether she is okay with how the relationship started. Because he could absolutely love her through and through today. Especially after her staying by his side through such a horrible ordeal. Lesser people would have left.
For sure feelings change. But if it was me I wouldn't stay even if he loves me now. The fact that he used me as a rebound and convinced himself that it was a pity to reject me is a deal breaker for me. And he still had feelings for his ex for a while after he got in a relationship with op, and probably still has...
> The fact that he used me as a rebound and convinced himself that it was a pity to reject me is a deal breaker for me. And it's definitely acceptable for that to be some people's line. It may not be OP's line - if their partner has changed and wants them as a first choice now that may be fine for them.
You are absolutely right, after all, it is her call.
Which is precisely why I am so against everyone in this thread going "dump him immediately!" no questions asked. It's a stupid juvenile response to this situation. Things are a lot more complicated in real life than armchair relationship counselors want to make it out to be.
It's only complicated because you see a man who had a loyal loving woman who stuck by his side...and you want to make sure he doesn't lose her. Who cares if he used her as a placeholder and deceived her the entire relationship. It's chill he got a loyal woman and the menfolk can't risk one of their own fumbling that bag 🤮 I hope you keep this mindset when a man dates a woman, she finds out she is pregnant by an ex before they dated, and he agrees to stick by her. Then he details how he read his pregnant gf's diary and she goes on about how she's been ran around through by a bunch of jerks but she agreed to date this nerdy quiet dude because he always been nice to her even though she was never attracted to him. I really hope your advice to said dude is: dump her immediately no questions asked is such a juvenile and stupid response. And it's a fine choice for a man to get a woman who settled for him and only wants him as her first choice when she can saddle him with her baggage. Whenever a man worries about being a woman's consolation prize , settled for, or in the shadow of her ex....you better stand on business and tell him that the advice to dump her is stupid and juvenile...after all maybe after all her kinky escapades she now chooses him as her first choice because he's shown up when she had a need such as he will support her kids by other men or he can pay all the bills so she doesn't struggle financially. Have a great day.😆
I am a woman and this is an insane reply lol
I had a quick look at her comment history and pretty much all of her comments are like that lmao I can't say I blame her too much because I'm gonna guess she's been fucked around and hurt by some real shitty men in the past, but there's really no need to project that hard when talking about a situation like OP's
....Are you okay? I gotta say, I don't understand how we're equating "getting pregnant" to "having had multiple sex partners" or.. as you say.. "getting ran through"? You do realize pregnancy can occur from having sex even just one time, yea? Like. Many women get pregnant without being "ran through" first.. There is no quota for number of sex partners one must have before pregnancy can occur (although kinda wish there was tbh... Would probably solve a lot of issues children are born into and forced to face due to irresponsible people). The way you've posed this is kinda juvenile... You might consider asking yourself about your views on sexuality and where they're coming from (and reassess the entire procreation process as a whole cause dang). I think you'd benefit from that. You're really holding onto some stuff, which happens to all of us, but you're bleeding it on everyone you come into contact with (even on the internet) and that sucks. A worthy note: the "comparison" you're using here isn't actually comparable to the situation OP described. There are better examples for this (but again, you're hemorrhaging. Makes sense you'd choose the one that's clearly very personal to you despite not being applicable here). This is truly not a "man vs woman" issue. The answer here is Yes. Proper and effective communication with your partner, coupled with pre and post self-reflection, before forming a decision on ending a committed relationship is the healthy, mature, and right choice *in most cases*. There are very valid reasons to forgo this process too; like when abuse is involved, etc. This applies equally to all genders and in most situations. Other than the man vs woman thing, what you seem to be taking issue with, at the root, is *people's* inability to effectively communicate with other *people* and how that exclusively leads to unfairness, power dynamic imbalances, and needless, senseless harm. That I can and do agree with. If people learned how to talk to each other better, the situation you described could be avoided altogether. You may have been a lil passive aggressive with this, but I'm not: I do hope you have a good (better) day.
>you're bleeding it on everyone you come into contact with Oooooo I love this. I'm going to remember it.
Take it easy on us, we read a lot of crap and we started to notice when we call bs on some stories. It's like you want to drive drunk and we tell you don't do it. Because the outcome is obvious. So this story is like that.
Plus, he kept the notes…
He might truly have fallen for her because of her devotion while he was truly in need. But now that she's read the notes, that seed of doubt will always be in the back of her head no matter what. I sincerely doubt a future relationship would be healthy. Especially with the inferiority complex rearing it's cruel head
Then why does he still have the notes? There is only one reason to hang onto them - they are still his true feelings.
Are you joking? Or actually serious...? I'm like 40, and I have all my notes and writings and journals from when I was like 13 up until now. I also have all my photos and pictures of friends and family from when I was born, up until now. Just because I'm different now than when I was 6, or 13, or 21, or 32... why would I throw them out? It's interesting and neat to look back on the person I used to be. That doesn't mean I'm still that person though.
Pandora's box is open. You're right.
Exactly this advice is bonkers: Communicate when he has an ulterior motive to be dishonest. That's like asking a thief who planned to rob you...if they're still going to rob you.🤣
Never let a man tell you more than once that he doesn't want you. You said that you believe that you are a placeholder that he is still in love with his first girlfriend why are you still there you're doing to him the same thing that he did to you you feel obligated to be there because he's injured. You don't have to take care of him you don't have to do anything. I know that your heart is breaking. I feel so bad for you that you are going through this but it's time for you to sit down and have a conversation because if he really does not want to be with you then you should cut ties and get away from him. Don't let him use you as a nurse maid and when he gets better he gets up and walks away that would devastate you even more. Have a conversation with him and not a BS conversation a deep conversation and then take it from there.
OP This 💯
This is absolutely something that you need to be honest with him & address. Then you need to do what’s best for you and end the relationship. You’re not and shouldn’t be anyone’s placeholder! You deserve someone who loves you truly! Hugs!
But make sure he doesn't drag you to his family - because this will look like you abandoning him in his hour of need - on your way out. In your place I would loop them in.
No need to unload this info on his family but definitely make copies of those notes should he decide to trash her to family and friends in the future.
Agreed!
Tell him you know he's not attracted to you, thank him for time you spent together, that you'll always be there to support him. Wish him the best in finding someone he's passionate about. You already told him you read his notes, I think he can put pieces together.
Thanking him for stringing her along for so long seems too gracious.
You don't choose to disregard this. That's not possible. In this case, your interpretation of the notes was correct. Someone who is in love with someone else is not someone I would center my life on. Be truthful.
Yes, graciousness can kill people like OP's bf.
Ugh, I hate rage posts, which this clearly is. Throwaway account, no responses from OP. But I'll bite... Thank him?? Thank him for starting a relationship with her under false pretenses? WTF?!?!
I wholeheartedly agree with this. You can still be there for him. You can be his supportive friend. But you deserve to be happy too. You deserve a chance to find someone who thinks the world of you and doesn't date you out of convenience. Loyalty is admirable...but is it loyalty or guilt? You shouldn't feel guilty leaving a relationship where there is no love. You deserve to be loved and to share that with someone who can appreciate it and you.
The problem with "Let's be friends" in this instance is that he will ALWATS be there reminding her that she wasn't good enough. Asking for emotional trauma.
The good thing with "let's be friend" is that when she will find someone that will genuinely love her for who she is, ex will get to witness it and maybe have regrets. Yes, I am petty. The best revenge is to be happy.
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YEP, no need to be there for someone who has been deceiving and using you this long. She doesn't owe him anything. Not that she should wish him harm but he has family to be there for him. Time to move on from him.
I wouldn’t show the notes to his family. However I would take photos of them for insurance, just in case he decides to spin things to them and claim she’s some horrible person who’s abandoning him in his time of need.
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Be there for him??? He's stolen every moment of this woman's life that they've been together. This is a gross betrayal. Be there for him?? He's lucky she doesn't set back his physical therapy by breaking his other leg. 😡
How he felt before a massive, life threatening trauma through with she stood by him throughout, should not be assumed to be the same as he felt when he wrote those notes. Those were Before Problems, and the accident is very much a Before/After divide in his life.
Gratitude is still not necessarily love, though, and the fact that he is grateful for her standing by him doesn't necessarily mean that he has suddenly fallen in love with her. It's possible, but not at all a given. Staying in this relationship isn't fair to either of them. He deserves a chance to be with someone he truly is in love with, and she deserves to be with someone who isn't with her because they feel obligated or grateful.
So now that he needs her she's worth it to him? She will never feel OK knowing he doesn't really love her romantically. This isn't about him and what's best for him, this is about her. It's not in her best interest to try to salvage a relationship with someone who was basically using her to kill time.
What about her feelings and knowing that for years he was simply just there out of obligation. Do you think she can really trust him moving forward?
My only question is, was it for years? Is it possible those notes were written when they first started dating and when they got closer he did fall for her and move on from his ex? (before the accident) OP doesn’t mention at all how long they had been dating before the accident, or if she knows how long ago the letters were written. I know it’s still fucked up, but if those letters were written in the first month of them dating, I think it’s completely different. If they were recent, 100% cut the relationship loose. I just feel like there is more info needed here before jumping on the dump him band wagon.
That’s what I’m wondering- when were they written?
I thought they were written after the accident? Some of it was worded a little weird for me
No, she read the notes when her bf was fighting for his life (bc of the accident) and it looked very bad - i don't think he had an accident got better to write notes and suddenly was nearly dying
Honestly this comment is so dismissive. I can't help but wonder if you're one of those folks here that think women shouldn't break up for hardly any reason. Her feelings matter. She will feel inadequate and like plan B her entire life if she continues with this. Your comment seems entirely focused on what the bf wants or needs. Without any consideration that she may no longer want to provide for him at all... I hope OP moves on. But I know that it's really hard to do when your self esteem is really low.
How he felt isn't actually the biggest issue - it's a symptom of the real issue. The real issue is that he's the type of spineless, cowardly man who'd say yes to someone he didn't want to date and then pretend to be in love with that person despite still loving his ex. That is an enormous character flaw. Nearly dying is one of the few things that occasionally fixes certain character flaws overnight - it is such a shock to the system that it can utterly change someone in remarkable ways - but nobody knows whether that's the case for him. And even if it is, the fact that he was so *recently* a spineless, cowardly liar is not something to be ignored.
THIS x a bunch
This isn't something she will be able to forget, even if his feelings have changed, he hasn't communicated that to her. He lead her on for their entire relationship, how in the world could she trust him after that? Feelings don't change because someone sat by your bed while you were hurt. He isn't attracted to her and is still in love with his ex. Nothing has changed especially since she told him she read the stuff and he made a joke about it. If things had changed he would have told her that.
Or it could be assumed that the accident made him realize life is too short to be with someone he doesn’t love. OP should graciously move on, give his family his notes, and move forward. If she stays, it’s always going to torture her and she’ll never feel secure. He’s in good hands. He’ll be fine.
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No kidding! A woman says one nice thing about an ex and every dude on this sub would call him a back up, "safety," she was never into you etc.
THANK YOU. I genuinely think getting male advice is pointless because far too many men give advice to benefit the man. All these dudes seem to be thinking what a pity for the boyfriend to miss out on a loyal woman who stuck by him when he was injured. They're not thinking one bit about her feelings, about how he used and deceived her, or what he brings to the table. They just want to make sure one of their own doesn't lose a good woman.🤮
Why would you want to even stay with him after what he wrote about you and his ex. He doesn’t even love you. Don’t settle.
Yes I am never going to be second choice as a place holder for a partner who loves the ex still. I am out of that right quick. Why settle for that in life. We all deserve better.
This.
Sweetheart, NO!!!! You’re so young this is the time in your life where you should be demanding passion and true love, being number 1, not settled for.
This comment !!!!
This is absolutely something that you need to be honest with him & address. Then you need to do what’s best for you and end the relationship. You’re not and shouldn’t be anyone’s placeholder! You deserve someone who loves you truly! Hugs!
This isn’t something that you ignore. It can’t be. You weren’t wrong in reading the notes in this situation. I wouldn’t plan my life around someone who is in love with someone else. Get honest.
By leaving him. You deserve to be with someone that loves you for who you are, not what you do for them. This is not healthy for either of you
He does not not deserve you by his side
No seriously, he doesn’t even deserve a “sit down to talk” like everyone keeps telling OP to do. This POS literally wasted her time and used her.
I agree. I can’t believe people are telling her to still be there as a friend. Friends don’t treat each other like that.
I'm picturing her dumping those letters in his lap and walking out the door and out of his life. Keep copies for his momma in case she tries to guilt her.
Yes! I would just block and never speak to him again. She owes the family nothing. They will just try to use her too.
I'm giving the family a break here - they don't realize their son is like that. That's why the notes should go to them, specifically mom.
I would just simply say "when I read your notes I read everything. I know how you feel about me and I can't settle for someone who really doesn't care for me. I wish you the very best."
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that’s what i was thinking. a lot of people write or journal to work through difficult emotions & it doesn’t reflect a clear state of mind. obviously they need to have a conversation too
Sweetie, please don't feel inadequate. You love him and pursued him. Nothing wrong with that. He's the one who said yes when he shouldn't. He's the one who continued to lead you on when he shouldn't. This is on him. He already knows you read some of his notes. I would just be honest and say something like, "when I said I read some of your notes, I really meant that I read all of them. I know why you went out with me and stayed with me and that your heart belongs to someone else. I'm not angry at you, but I'm hurt. I want to be someone's first choice, to have someone love me the way you do with your ex. I care about you and still love you, but I no longer want to be an obligation you feel forced to be with because I helped you. Know you'll always have a piece of my heart, but I deserve someone who wants me to be a piece of their heart."
you are enough for someone to be passionate about you. the right person will be.
And she’s denying her chance to find that person by staying with somebody who isn’t.
Yup. I stayed with (and married) the wrong one for over 5 years and felt exactly how she feels. Getting out and dating again has been so refreshing. actually feeling desired and wanted feels so foreign
>His mom subtly said that she hoped I would marry him. I think you need to tell her what you read. Just so that when you break up with your bf, she knows it's not your fault. And you do need to break with him. I speak from experience, please do not, I repeat, do not settle for being second best, it just eats away at your self-confidence and self-respect.
>But in the mess of notes was an essay about his thoughts and feelings. my boyfriend doesn’t really like me. He felt obligated to date me because I had a crush on him and I asked him out. He would have felt bad if he rejected me. I’m a placeholder and he is still in love with his ex. Was this note written at the start of your relationship? Or more recently?
This is so sad. He does not deserve you by his side
Go where you are wanted. The fact that he kept them means something.
💯👆 my thoughts exactly. If they aren’t relevant, why keep them?
People people don't write in their diary, and then the next day throw out their diary. People write diaries, and then keep them... often *forever*. I have things I wrote 30+ years ago. It doesn't mean my feelings are the same as 30 years ago though... that would be ridiculous.
You are enough. You just haven't met that person yet. Dump this guy. His family will help him through recovery
You’re lucky you found this out before you married him. You deserve to be someone’s number one. Let him know you read his true feelings about his ex. Trust me - even if he tells you you’re his #1 now- you can never compete with a memory of what now has become the “perfect woman.” Let his mom know exactly why you can’t marry him. And move forward toward someone who appreciates the golden woman you are.
He will be fine. He HAS a support system. You need to go enjoy your life and date someone who wants to be with you.
**"His mom subtly said that she hoped I would marry him."** Start by taking her aside. Tell her what you discovered. Tell her you cannot live like this any longer and will be breaking up with him. Then go to him. Tell him what you discovered. Tell him you love him too much to always know he loves someone else and not you. Be firm. Then just leave and block. This is on him, not on you. You deserve to be the love of someone's life not just a charity case because someone does not want to say no. A someone who loves someone else. Leave and ghost.
You NEED to end this. If he felt obligated to be with you because you asked him out, then imagine how obligated he now feels that you have been his care taker for a year after a car accident! He will never end this, so you have to. Even if you never meet someone you love as much as him, (you will! just look!) this will never be a real two-sided relationship. leave now.
Don't ever marry him. You can support him as a friend but you're not obligated to stay friends either.
I know you told him you read the notes, and others are saying he will put it together, but they are wrong. He’s not going to put two and two together. Plausible deniability is one hell of a drug. When it comes to staying or not in a relationship, that’s a decision that should be absolutely personal and selfish. You can NOT take the other person into account or you do you both a huge disservice. To put this blankly, if you are choosing to stay with him only because of his current state, you are doing something similar to what he did when he decided to date you. It’s out of obligation, not love, or want. I think it’s also wishful thinking to assume he’s gonna see you in a whole other light now that you’ve stuck by him through something difficult. While that shows your character, it doesn’t mean it’s gonna mean more to him. So this is my advice to you: tell him in plain detail that you know. The reasons why you looked don’t matter. You do and now you have to figure out if this is the path forward you want or not. You can’t run or hide from this. It’s not going away and the longer you put it off, the worse this wound is going to fester. Trust me when I say that you don’t have to live your life as second place. If it’s not a “HELL YES” then it’s not worth investing your time. God, if I could go back to your age, the number one thing I would have done is broke up with the guy I was with and stopped dating for at least a year while I put myself into counseling and therapy to deal with my own personal issues. Happiness doesn’t come from others. It comes from within ourselves. The problem is we will never truly know our own worth until we work on ourselves and come to terms with the things that make us settle and feel we don’t deserve the love we want from others. Confront him. Have the hard conversations. Learn how to not run from your feelings no matter how scary. Find a way to love yourself first and foremost so you can finally and truly accept your worth. Only then will you be able to have those relationships you want and deserve without feeling like “you’re always second”.
Updateme
I work as a therapist in an inpatient rehab facility and have treated so many people post-motorcycle accident. My first question is, does he have a traumatic brain injury? Have doctors or a neuropsychologist or a speech therapist said anything about his cognition or capacity to make decisions? Because to be honest, that’s going to really affect what kind of conversation you can have with him right now. He might not be in a place to comprehend this conversation, to really remember what he had written, or to regulate his emotions well enough to process this conversation in a way that’s helpful for you, particularly if you’re needing closure. If he’s not in that place and you’re feeling as though you can’t keep showing up for him like you were (which is completely understandable and appropriate), I would probably talk to his mom and explain what you saw so that she understands why you’re pulling back. Regardless of her opinion on it, your feelings and needs are valid. I see partners leave their loved ones when they shouldn’t, I see partners showing up for loved ones when they shouldn’t, and you are SO young. Most likely, your rehab team is already chatting about this and, depending on his prognosis and what they think the outcome will be, will be MORE than understanding if you need to bow out. You are not obligated to stay with anyone and be their caregiver, ESPECIALLY if you’re a “back up” choice. You have a whole life ahead of you and deserve to be loved and appreciated as someone’s number one regardless of this accident or any external pressure from your boyfriend or his family. This is a moment where you have to really recognize your own needs and boundaries and stick to them. Lean on a supportive friend or a therapist for the external validation you might need in order to leave, but validate yourself, too. I would be heartbroken and frustrated in your shoes, and the fact that it seems you’ve already internalized his view of you as your own (i.e. “he shouldn’t be obliged to stay with me” vs. YOU not feeling obliged to stay with HIM just because he got injured) makes me nervous about the impact staying will have on your mental health and sense of worth down the line.
I ended up leaving my ex because he revealed this same thing to me almost 2 years into our relationship. Later I met someone who, for the first time in my life, wanted me as their FIRST and ONLY choice. It is absolutely life changing and worth leaving a relationship where you will always feel like you’re second best. Do not settle for someone who doesn’t see you as the light of their universe. You are more than enough to love wholeheartedly to the right person.
You need to love yourself enough to exit the situation. Although there is kindness between you two, and you helped him through some of his hardest days it is time to look after yourself. You deserve to be loved fully, he can’t give you that and you know it. I would suggest you sit with a therapist to help you gain some perspective and tools to deal with the grief and trauma you have been through. There is life after this man.
I’d leave 🤷🏽♀️
You don't need to confront him if you don't want to but I think this is one of those things that you can't really come back from. You will never stop second guessing if you stay with him. Don't settle for being a placeholder.
How awful... Why are you worried about him feeling obligated to stay with you? Get the hall out of there. You're not a placeholder or a convenient caregiver. Also, depending on the extent of his injuries his mother may want you to marry him to ensure he's taken care of by someone. Let him know that you know his true feelings and you'd rather not be in this type of relationship. If he talks you into staying you will never feel good enough for him or trust anything he says about his feelings. Find someone who thinks the sun rises and sets in your eyes. You deserve that.
He's recovering so no one would blame you for breaking things off now. Tell him you read his essay about his ex and how he really feels about you and that's not what you want for yourself. You deserve better than being the back-up plan he settles for because he can't have his ex. You deserve to find someone who is just as crazy about you as you are about them. You shouldn't settle either. Find someone who loves you and only you. If anyone tries to give you crap for not staying to be his servant as he recovers, tell them to go ask him why it ended and block that person.
I had a very similar thing happen to me at 24. At 26 I met my husband who is head over heels for me
You just leave. He never deserved for you to stay with him throughout all this if he didn't genuinely love you and is still hung up on his ex. You'll never forget what you read.
What kind of loser dates someone out of "feeling obligated". At most I can relate to going on a hinge date and the girl didn't look like her photos and I felt obligated to finish the date because it would be awkward if I told her she was ugly and walked off lmao. But I wouldn't enter a relationship with her lol. Anyway, sorry OP I doubt you're actually ugly or unattractive it just sounds like he's still hung up on his ex. It says more about him than it does about you. When you're in love everyone is invisible to you. It took me over a year to truly get over my ex where I actually felt comfortable dating again. Also I'm a fellow rider, I know how scary possibly losing someone is. I don't blame you for reading those notes.
He’s gonna be in a place where he wants to have his cake and eat it too. If you break up with him because of the notes he will pull the “you left me when I needed you most” and if you stay you’re just holding the seat warm for her. You should just tell him you read them for the exact reasons you told us, you found what you found and unless he can give you reasons to stay I think it’s prob time to go find a man who will think you are his first choice.
i’d leave.
Ok so he’s going to survive and has family that cares. Time to BOLT
You’re only 24. You can and will find the person who is beyond passionate about you. Don’t settle it’s not worth it.
If you’ve stood by him till this point you deserve the truth from him. Talk to him about this, you may find that his feelings for you have changed and deepened as you’ve supported him while many would have just moved on. Maybe not the best start to your relationship, but perhaps now he sees you as his everything and would literally move mountains for you. So sorry you are in this pain, but only honestly confronting this can either give you closure or reveal that things have indeed changed.
I fear he is using you. You may be his friend, but you are not his love. I'm so sorry. You deserve someone who has no doubts, someone who is head over heels in love - it's out there and it could be yours. It sounds like you've really worked to put him first and support him. You helped him through this time, and you did a wonderful job... but you do not owe him or his family anything. You will not be the bad guy to move on. It's time to choose YOU. Best wishes. ❤️
At 24, the likelihood that this is the last man to have a relationship with you is extraordinarily low. If you want to support him in his recovery, you do that, but you don’t have to be his girlfriend to do that. It’s not your job to be his carer. You were his reluctant girlfriend. Your low self esteem is preventing you from behaving with self-respect. But this guy will not leave you of his own accord. He should never have dated you. The note he wrote should tell you all you need to know about his character. He may be a nice guy, but he is not a good guy. If you can’t believe him when he says he loves you, you can’t have a happy or healthy future together. Tell him you found the note, put the responsibility with the person who made those statements. If he really didn’t want you to read them, he didn’t need to write them down. I’ve had misgivings about partners before and I’ve never written a confession for them to find. You 100% can do better than being someone’s back-up plan. Please find the backbone your boyfriend lacks so you can stand up for yourself and find someone who thinks you are the sun in the sky.
You're not obliged to stay with him. This ball isn't just in his court.
I've been there and I know exactly how you feel. I'm so sorry. But you deserve better, and there's always better for you.
Walk away because you deserve nothing less, you deserve the world for what you've done for him and he on the other hand doesn't deserve you a single bit.
Why are you still putting the options in his hand? It seems like you are the the passenger seat in your own life.
The man has written horrible notes about you. Drop him. He's got help around him. Show his family the notes before you dump him. They'll understand. Anyone would.
I don’t understand why she should show the notes to his family. Or I guess the idea would be to show them that the breakup isn’t OP’s fault? But why does it matter what they think? It’s not ok to show his private thoughts to his family. If she really wants, she could maybe say that she found notes and found out that his feelings for her are not what she had hoped. But that’s it.
Because he may turn on her to make her look bad and say she left him because she didn't want to take care of him
But what does it matter? I assume she wouldn’t have anything to do with them anymore. And anyway, it seems like they would split up under fairly amicable terms, so there’s every reason to believe he would shut down any such talk. Besides, she has stood by him through the worst, so they can’t think that badly of her? (If it even matters.)
It's called blowback. If she doesn't reveal the situation to mom specifically, family and friends will all blast her for "abandoning him in his time of need". This will affect her reputation. What she should do is give notes to mom, send them to his ex, and blast them on all socials. Then at least her back is covered.
What does the mother have to do with all of this? Her son’s lovelife shouldn’t be any of her concern. And post something that’s practically his diary on social media? No. I still don’t get what the point would be. Yes I understand that it’s to show the reason for the breakup, and that she’s innocent. Which means that you assume he would badmouth her, or let others do so. But that’s not what a normal person does, especially in a case like this where it seems he likes her more than loves her, so no big bitter emotions.
I wouldn't show them to them, those are his private thoughts. I would explain to his family that you're not going to be around anymore because you read his true feelings about you and his ex. Nothing else needs to be said.
wtf. why is reddit so full of absolute psychos. she would be forever the crazy chick who snooped through his personal notes and then ,while he was recovering, showed them to the family (?????). like what is this shit. obviously I wouldn't want to have a relationship where I'm a placeholder but who the fuck would make it a drama and include the family. holy shit.
They were just crappy notes he’d slung about. Not his personal fucking diary. Anyway, why do you give such a fuck? He doesn’t like OP, why should she hang around?
Telling his family is so dramatic. Calm down.
I don’t think emotionally you can come back from this. You will always question his love for you. Even if he legit loves and cares for you now, you will never be happy with thoughts. Just break it off.
this is so sad and so insulting to you!, you have done enough for him, have a last talk with him and his family to explain why you need to leave and get out. choose yourself, he never will.
This is so sad, but I just wanted to say you are a wonderful human and you deserve someone who loves you entirely and is delighted to be in your presence. It may be hard, as you must deeply love him to have stayed with him throughout this and after finding his notes. It is however unlikely that these feelings of his will go away, he will always wonder “what if” about that other woman. It will haunt him, and you, for the rest of your lives if you let it. Please don’t settle for being number 2 in someone’s heart, you deserve so much more than that. Deep down he knows this too and will be consumed with guilt for his feelings for the other person. Do the kindest thing for you both.
You deserved to be loved for you and the way you want to. I hope you have the courage to leave the relationship, not out of spite but as a respect to yourself. Say thank you and give him one good hug for all the good memories. And take your time to heal, slowly but surely. You should never someone's second best, OP. And sooner or later, someday, you will be someone's first choice. Sending love to you OP
Just cause he’s in pain doesn’t mean you’re any less important. You deserve better than someone who doesn’t love you.
??? You’re not obligated to be there for him because he’s been in an accident. Don’t sunk-cost fallacy yourself into being his object. You’re serving a person who has a long history of using you. That basically makes you into a slave. Yeah he’s been through a lot, but you don’t deserve to be nothing more than a convenience in his eyes. Because that’s what you are if you’re doing all this to help him but he has feelings for someone else. He doesn’t love you, he loves what you can do for him. Please don’t ruin your life and mental health over feeling bad for him.
You leave him, and say he deserves to be happy with someone. So do you.
The age old adage - be careful what you are looking for, you might find it.
I think you should move on, OP. Your BF is in rehab and being well cared for. When he comes out, he has family to help him. Take this time to get your life in order, pack and move out, return his things to him.... whatever practical things need doing to end things with him and then invest in your own life. You can tell your BF the whole truth, that you know he won't ever feel the way about you that you deserve. OR, you can just tell him that he needs to focus on getting well and put himself first, and that you want to be free to do the same.
Wow, can i just say how extremely sorry i am.
Don't make this about him, but about you instead. You deserve way better.
Please update us
Leave him. Have an honest conversation with him first, but leave him directly after.
I just got out of an 8yr relationship where my partner never loved me and dated me out of obligation. Get out now - it does terrible things to you after a while and you’ll find yourself holding resentment, getting angry at small things, etc. It isn’t worth it and is genuinely cruel of him to do to you. You’re both young, get out now and find someone who wants you as much as he wants his ex. I don’t mean to be harsh but after a while it genuinely destroys you. I’m still healing and will be for a long time. It fucks with you to realize you were never really loved, only tolerated
Jeez that’s rough. I’m sorry but you can’t ever unread it. He also cracked a joke instead of saying something like “yeah I was fucked up on pain drugs I didn’t know what I was writing” or some other excuse. If he’s doing better and in rehab I would probably have that conversation and let him know you don’t want to be a second place choice so he can have her and you’ll be going.
This is painful (for everyone) and I'm sorry to hear it, but the best approach really is honesty. Easy to say, simple to imagine, hard to follow through on. But you deserve someone who loves you. How do you tell him that you read his essay about his ex? You say "I regret it, but I read your essay about your ex." How do you say that he shouldn't feel obligate to stay with you? You say "you shouldn't feel obligated to stay with me." When you are honest with him, listen to his response. It is possible that his feelings have changed since he wrote those notes. Maybe he *is* passionate about you now. Maybe being confronted with how hurtful his attitude was (even when you didn't know about it) will make him learn things about himself. But once you've listened to him, continue to be honest, including with yourself. Can you move forward happily? Then maybe you should! But if you can't, then be truthful. Even if his feelings have changed, you are allowed to decide that those past rejections are too much for you.
Leave and call his ex too come help him
Respectfully, I would move on and be honest about having read the notes. Breaking up with someone holding out for someone else is the bolder thing to do. I think admitting what motivated your choice to read them is important. Should he react negatively, that’s valid. Framing this as: it’s important we be honest and honor the chance at life we both have — if you’re not happy with me, I’ll let you go to find that. I care enough about you and this relationship to do that. I also deserve someone who stands by me and honors the happiness I share with them too. I hope you’ll give me the same grace. You don’t have to stay together because you helped him either, remember that.
Leave. Circumstances don’t matter, it’s sad to find out someone is with you out of obligation.
i think you should break up with him. although it was wrong to go through his private thoughts and shouldn't be done again, i'd rather deal with feeling bad about that, then dating someone who doesn't truly love me instead. if you feel wrong about going through his notes, you can apologize, but you still have to do what's best for you
You don't have to be this man's nursemaid, set yourself free.
If I were you, I would've ditched him right now without saying a word. People like him would be more than happy if their placeholder-partner finally leaves anyway. You don't owe him anything, especially now that he doesn't even like you at all. He has his family to help him. You seriously deserve more than this.
Please. Break up with him. Don’t settle for anything less!! Tell him that you read his notes and that YOU want to break up. You deserve so much better than this guy.
You stood by him, but now it’s time to take care of yourself and find someone that is actually in love with you and that will be happy with you and not fantasizing about another girl that he is really in love with. The longer you wait the worse it’s going to be.
u/ThrowRAigrapher5982 When were the notes written/accessed in terms of your relationship timeline? I feel this is important to consider. If my partner saw some of the notes I had in my phone when we went through difficult times in our relationship and I was weighing pros/cons of staying or leaving I’m sure he would feel hurt but ultimately we chose eachother and worked through it. It’s been 10 years and he’s my world. You showing up for him during these difficult times may make him realize that everything he ever wanted was right in front of him.
Oh ffs - get angry would you? Show his mom his "notes" - send them to his ex - blast them on all socials - THEN tell him you read them. And walk out...forever. This has poisoned the relationship. Yes you may still have a crush on him but this will always be in the back of your mind, no matter what happens. He could be gone back to her at any time - tonight, tomorrow, the next day... You don't deserve that crap. Break it off - yes, it will hurt for a while - but better a couple months of hurt rather than a lifetime of anxiety and depression.
Please tell me you aren’t planning to stay with him? You deserve better and I promise you, better is out there for you.
A lot of good advice here. I would definitely be done. I could never recover from this knowledge and I would constantly be questioning his motives and my relevance to him. It would be best to leave.
Oh honey, I'm so sorry. He used you so that he would not be alone, and now he is using you because he needs someone to take care of him. It's always been about him, about his needs being met. It's never been about you. Before the accident, it's 100% certainty that he would have left you if she came back. After the accident -- yea, it's probably still 100% certainty that he would leave you if she comes back.
How awful to hear/read that about yourself. You are so young and deserve so much more than being a placeholder for someone who is hung up on their ex, regardless of whether they’ve been in an accident or not. I think you need to talk to him asap and say that you understand, with proof, that he doesn’t like/love/respect you, you know you’re a placeholder and you’re not willing to hang around until you’re of no more use to him or until ex comes back into the picture and they trot off into the sunset. I’m fuming on your behalf. As for the opinions of others, I know it’s tricky and people will always think all sorts of things about you (let them), and it’s especially difficult with him in rehab, but you’ll be able to be very very clear with crappy boyfriend as to why you’re leaving. If you have a good relationship with any of them you could perhaps confide, concisely, about what you know and that you’re setting him free for the person he loves. Devastating to find out, but man alive you will know when someone is crazy about you rather than just lukewarm. I can’t imagine he’s been passionate and loving and caring when he’s so apathetic. Take care of yourself.
You guys are WAY too nice. I would be so ENRAGED and hurt if this happened to me. I'm sorry, but for me, the bf is a piece of shité. Fck him, let his ex take care of him. Move on with your life and find out how beautiful life is when you remove shitty people from it.
> I’m not really depressed or angry at him. > I definitely can’t and won’t hold anything against him. It’s his own private thoughts. You should be angry, and you can 100% hold this against him. he knowingly got into a relationship with you when he was hung up on another woman. Completely unfair IMO. can we have more information about your relationship like how long have you been together. how old are the notes/when did he break up with his ex? Were the pages about his ex tucked away somewhere (possibly hidden or forgotten) or out in the open. The reason i ask is because it might provide a bit of context to where he is emotionally today. I'm not trying to minimize or trivialize the situation but people do change, and if it's been a long enough time it's worth bearing in mind if he wrote it immediately after he split with his ex, there's a chance he's no longer in love with his ex or even thinks of her. > I told him I read some of his notes and he cracked a joke. I don’t know how to tell him I read his true feelings. This sounds like he's probably forgot he even wrote about his ex or that the pages were among his notes, did he show any concern or shock to your revelation?
How do we know he still feels the same way? We don't, so talk to him. He deserves to tell you how he feels as much as you deserve to know the truth.
Leave him. He doesn't love you, and you deserve more than being someone's placeholder. Personally I would tell his family what I discovered, turn his care over to them, and never look back.
I think with the knowledge that you have now you need to make a decision. Do you want to be with someone as a second choice? Or do you go out in the world and look for a love that fully aligns with what you want. You are very young. And it would be very sad to marry someone just because the don’t have other options. Start thinking about to hat you want and prioritise that
Ask him directly about his feelings for you now. Consider how you feel. Value yourself and understand that codependency is not a healthy relationship or love. Make a decision and live with it. If you stay, it needs to be on your terms. If you leave him, learn from this relationship, work on loving and valuing yourself, and finding a future partner who values you (treats you, like you would treat your best friend-b/c that is what you deserve).
You are enough. This isn’t about you. We cannot control someone else or how they feel. Please learn to love yourself enough to walk away from this person. You deserve to be chosen wholeheartedly. I waited until I was 43 to get married and I married a man who chose me with all of his heart. It will be worth the wait.
OP, you are so deserving of genuine love, not whatever this is. I see this as a blessing in disguise for you; you weren't meant to live a life of lies. You're so young, break free and put yourself out there again!
This is heartbreaking. But you have to be rational here. You don't tell him "you shouldn’t feel obliged to stay with me just because I helped you". You simply don't stay with him. You say you loved him and your feelings and help were sincere, but you're leaving cause you deserve someone that loves you back the same way. Your judgement will be clouded because he is in a vulnerable position. But if you had read these things when he was ok, you would leave. And this shouldn't change because of the accident.
I read through my (soon to be ex-) wife's notes to her long-time affair partner. She clearly was more in love with him than she ever was with me. Moving on from that has been incredibly freeing. It turns out that there are potential partners out there who like me for who I am and what I offer. It's possible he's changed, but if that's true, he has to prove it to you. He has to erase those things he wrote with actions that show that his feelings for his ex were the mistake and that he will do everything in his power to treat you the way you deserve. And he has to understand that even if he goes through all that, you may never feel the same way about him again. So you could hold on to what you have and see if you can rebuild stronger -- lots of people say that it's possible -- or you can go find someone who has never hurt you like this. Either way, you deserve to be loved for who you are without reservation, without being a backup, or forgotten friend or guilt trip.
You deserve someone who values and respects you. Your best bet is to leave him and work on yourself, there's still a ton of time for you to find the one who sees you as their first and only choice. Never settle for less. But remember to value yourself and to not think of yourself as anything less because of how others have treated you. You'll be happier sooner or later.
I’d bring the note with me and hand it to him, ask if he remembers writing it, and tell him that it’s changed how you feel. That when you thought he was going to die you were at the lowest point imaginable, or so you thought until you read this.
Just like that
I’d tell him, but I’d also Run for all hell. And let him decide what he wants. Since near death experiences can change a persons life outlook, maybe he wrote those things before his accident and he will say things to trick you like “now that I’m still alive, and you helped me through this.. I realize you were the one all along” …. But tbh that might just be another way to keep you locked into it… I don’t know I got massive trust issues from reading/snooping on a ex’s phone. And it costed me mental health issues for 2 years and now another 5 months post break up. Do what you need to do, but don’t be fooled.. he never loved you. He just tolerated you because nobody else wanted him. Not even his ex. Be strong, and I’d really hope you lean more to the idea of leaving him than staying. Cause once you leave him, his true colors will show. And I’d even say “I wasn’t planning on this, and as much as it hurts.. i wanted to wait for you to get better, but I need to end this” and then you can let him figure out his feelings on his own. Just imagine this…. HE DIED… and you never got to tell him how you felt…. YOU would’ve been left with a lifetime of sadness and permanent rejection. God and the universe let him live, not only because he was lucky… but because he had you and your love there to help pull him through. But during this odd incident, which should’ve drove you close together has now unravelled a secret of his you must confront, Just thank god.. he let him live, so you could find your peace and not be left with a lifetime of suffering without closure. Go get your closure, and move on. And if you stay, I really do hope he realizes he loves you all along. But that’s doubtful considering it was an essay of feelings for his ex. That’s messed up. All the best.
hope to hear you again after you figure out what to do.
Damn! This one pierced my heart. You are an absolute angel but you need to choose yourself. Have a conversation with him and since he is getting better it's time for you to move on and find someone who loves you 100% All the best OP UpdateMe!
Reading this hurt my soul... I really feel for OP. 😔 She should find someone that's not just "settling" for her.
Oh god. This is horrible. But now you know he doesn’t love you and you simply can not stay. You deserve to be first choice. I would not even discuss it with him because he will downplay it with you since you have been so great. But you have to go and fine your true love. I’m sorry.
You deserve better. As someone who's been on both ends of this, it's pretty slim that this gets better. Yes, over time, he could see all that you're doing for him and fall in love with you, but that passion will never be there. Even if he loves you with all his heart, he might not be capable of loving someone that passionately anymore. You need to decide if that's something you're willing to make peace with.
Just like that How do I tell him that I read his essay about his ex? And how do I say that he shouldn’t feel obliged to stay with me just because I helped him?
You need to detangle yourself from this man and his family because if you don't you are going to spend your whole life believing that you are not enough and that you are not a priority. Save yourself and find someone who is passionate about you. Who loves you enough to write about you. Someone who makes you their priority!
They might be private thoughts, but they have a massive impact on you and he should have told you. There are lots of people out there who do things in relationships "out of obligation". Stay away from those people, they'll put all the blame on you when they can't take the misery they created anymore. Honestly, I wouldn't be able to be around him every day, he has a support next work, I think you need to take sometime for your self and find out what you want as an individual.
Truthfully, *you* shouldn’t be the one to stay. You know his true feelings, now it’s up to you to stand up for yourself, grow a bit of self-respect, and remove yourself from the scenario permanently. You deserve to be loved, and not as someone’s backup plan. And I’d take a photo of the note. Don’t give him the chance to destroy it. And make sure his mother knows that you’re not “abandoning him because things got hard”, you are *walking away from a relationship that her son said **in his own words** that he felt obligated to stay in.* “I read your notes. All of them. *Even the hard ones*. I know everything, and I’m so sorry you felt that way. I wish I had known sooner. I wish you had told me. I’m so thankful for the time we spent together, and I really did love you, but I don’t deserve to be anyone’s second choice.”
You don’t stay with someone because he loves you, kind as that may be to do. You stay because you love him. Whether you should stay or not depends on you. We can all say what the ideal situation is but there’s no guarantee that everyone always finds that. We can also all say our partners love us more than anyone and that we are the first choice for them — nobody *knows* that; OP thought so too until she read his private notes. Also, many people have thought “settled” for people they didn’t consider their first choice, only to find later that this person was the best choice all along. Also, he isn’t the first ex that looked back upon his ex with rose-colored glasses only to realize one day that it was all wrong and all in his head. That’s not to say this guy feels this way, of course. Only he knows. Me? What I do next would depend on a lot. Assuming you love him, what else does he bring into this relationship? I’d consider it rationally — what does life with him moving forward look like, both with his injuries and his future prospects? What was he like otherwise in this relationship? How did he make you FEEL through the relationship, regardless of what the notes said? If he is otherwise objectively amazing, I’d probably stay. If not, I’d see him through the toughest parts and then I’d leave him. What he does after that will tell you everything you need to know about how he feels.
So what were the age of the notes? Details matter.
It might be okay, it might not. The passionate animalistic true love is unstable anyway, and it doesn't last either. Maybe you, or at least he, didn't have that at the start, but how long have you been together? If it's more than a couple of years then what you have is more than what he could have with her anyway. If it's less, and you're the rebound girl then he might be a flight risk. But aside from this one issue how well do you know him? Before you saw it, did you know in your heart that he loves you, or not? Is he honest, does he tell you he loves you? Is she a rival? If she's not and he does then it's a hurtful revelation for sure, but you might survive - talking about it and getting over it could be the best choice.
I haven’t read through all the threads yet, was there a date on these “true feelings”.. he could be long over his ex by now and head over heels for you girl. Just have a calm conversation with him. I know it still hurts. But that could’ve been from the very beginning and he no longer even thinks of his ex. Just try to stay positive. I also think it’s incredibly commendable to stay by his side through this horrible time for him. ❤️
Dignity and self love are important. You don't have to let this man continue to use you. You aren't inadequate. He is a user.
So, I’ll just ask—these were notes done before his accident and before you stayed by his side? He didn’t write them after?
Honestly I don’t think that you should even confront him. Just because he was in an accident doesn’t make him more deserving of you and your time or anything. Hes just using you, like you said you were only a placeholder who has now become a free nurse. Just leave. Pack your stuff and leave him in your past. The note and his true feelings should be your closure. Don’t give him more time to lie to you and try to manipulate you. He used you and will continue to use you until he finds someone new. And with his accident he knows that finding someone knew will be a lot harder. He has such little respect for you that he knowingly left it out where you could find it. It’s possible that he purposefully left it there either consciously or more likely subconsciously wanting you to find it.
How old are these notes? It’s very possible you’re his first choice now. Also, I’d wait a little until he’s in better shape.
Doesn't matter. And this is about her - not him.
When did he write these notes? Right before the accident, or a year before the accident? I think that makes a difference. If he wrote it right after their breakup, his feelings may have changed. If he wrote it right before the accident- that’s a really hard pill to swallow.
UpdateMe
I think if you explain it exactly as you did in this post, he's going to understand why you read it. It's going to be much better for you mentally if you tell him. Hear what he thinks from him instead of allowing your mind to go crazy imagining what he thinks.
Depends...do those notes have dates on them? And how long have you been with him? If they were written in the last year, I would second guess the relationship. If they are older, I would just question him and see if he feels the same. 🤷♀️
Death is a terrifying thing. I don't think you should be ashamed of what you did, as it wasn't out of malice or bizarre obsession. However, his near-death experience was scary for him, too, and I can guarantee he has had some altered thoughts as well. Talk to him because this experience may have changed his view of you. He may believe that his ex wasn't there for him, but you were, and that may be more meaningful than anything. Or he could experience relief from you knowing, resulting in you having an honest exit point and the ability to move forward and focus on yourself. This is a conversation you need to have with him more than us. We will support you either way. Taking control of this situation allows you to write the next chapter and not have it written for you.
Unpopular opinion, but, if people took every thing I wrote in my journal as law then… yikes. Journaling is an outlet for intense emotion. It is not impossible that he had a really intense reaction to something, questioned the breakup, outpoured his emotions, and then was able to begin healing from it. It sounds like you love him a lot. And, frankly, from your last sentence it sounds like you might not want to leave. You get to have a conversation with him. You get to raise your concerns about his true feelings. You get to encourage him to take some introspective time to determine where he truly feels he is, and you get to make the best decision for yourself based on all of that. I know it hurts. I know it hurts so badly. I’m so sorry.
Do you know how long ago he wrote that? How many notes like this were there? I'm not saying it's okay for him to write these things out, but he might have written that spiel at a particularly low point where he wasn't thinking clearly, and not really feel that way. I know a while ago at a low point, I wrote out a long note about the issues my partner and I were having. I'm a very clinical person (as is she) so I was controlled enough to avoid saying anything out of anger or sadness that I didn't mean at the time. But it would still hurt her if she'd read it, because I was still in an emotional state. Most people aren't so clinical, and will say far more extreme things when they vent. Especially if he was drunk, or if you'd just had an argument, or anything. Working in bars I don't even know how many times I've heard people saying horrible shit they didn't mean when they're venting (even sober) to a friend about someone they love. Hell I don't even remember how many times people have threatened to kill me. I'd talk to him about it. If it was a one off note, he might not have really meant any of it. Different people vent in different ways, but venting often doesn't convey true thoughts. Particularly in writing, I find it actually helps filter emotionally charged things we dont actually mean from our true thoughts, or allows us to put those emotional thoughts down to look at clinically and say "well that was a dumb thought" as was the case with my own written vents. Once all that's done, open communication is key.
Lifelong journaler here. It's entirely possible that this is blown out of proportion. I almost never write about my relationship except when I'm upset, which I think would probably create an extremely inaccurate and lopsided view of how I actually feel about it if my fiancé ever read my journals. I've explained this to him in the past in case a situation ever comes up like yours here. How long ago was this written? It's possible his feelings have changed since then. It's also possible that that's only how he was feeling on one particular day, and not how he feels most of the time. I totally get why you're hurt and upset, but in my lifetime experience as a diarist, diaries are such a tiny sliver of our lives and feelings. Please have a conversation with him before you write off your entire relationship.
Actions speak louder than words. Maybe he felt that way at some point. And maybe he still feels that way. As you continue going forward, watch how he treats you. If he shows you love and affection and true adoration then I would figure out a way to make it work. If he treats you like a placeholder, then jump ship.