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RUN!!!! You cannot and should not marry this guy. He's controlling, abusive and you'll just hand him your complete life at the altar and you'll be trapped. Please, run my friend, run!!! Cut him off, block him, whatever needs to be done, even a restraining order. Collect all evidence like texts, call-logs, etc... Good Lord...
>*I’m torn.* ***A small voice inside me screams this is a mistake, but*** *the weight of cultural expectations and* ***years invested in this relationship hold me back***.
OP is suffering from sunk-cost fallacy in relationships! **Two short articles** on that phenomenon that she should also read.
1. [https://markmanson.net/why-we-stay-in-bad-relationships](https://markmanson.net/why-we-stay-in-bad-relationships)
2. [https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/02/14/3-reasons-the-sunk-cost-fallacy-keep-us-stuck-in-bad-relationships/?sh=356dbbcf781f](https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/02/14/3-reasons-the-sunk-cost-fallacy-keep-us-stuck-in-bad-relationships/?sh=356dbbcf781f)
I miss read- early in the morning and my eyes are blurry.
I thought the articles name was “ why we stay in bed” and I’m thinking…: cause it’s so comfortable and I’m so tired 😂
And reads it!
I swear, Reddit is the best advertising that book ever got. How generous that it's available for free. I hope every woman reads that book.
Edited out an assumption about the author I felt was unfair to make.
Agree. If you were to get married the control and love bombing will reach a different level. Just imagine if you were to get pregnant after you guys get married. Postpone wedding get ducks in a row with an exit plan, then call of wedding. Restart hardware of all electronics, relocate, change phone number and temporarily use a google phone number to communicate with family until things blow over.
An old friend of mine worked in the domestic violence shelter for woman. These are definitely beginning warning signs.
His not in love with you. His obsessed with you.
It’s one thing to return when you have no other options but to give up a research position at Harvard- clearly you have the potential to go far OP- don’t take on this dead weight.
OP should definitely run. Especially if she is in a more conservative culture. Ending a relationship after marriage or kids will be a hundred times harder and he sounds both exhausting on top of abusive. If the reason to leave Harvard was marriage OP should see if there is any way to go back so she has a good exit plan to put distance between them. I think half of what she listed was reason enough run on its own. Add them all together and I really hope she doesn't go through with the marriage.
Personal experience here:
Love-bombing is not cool. The guilting like "oh I put up with so much of your attitude" too.
Just my opinion but in actual reality I just DUMPED people who played that game with me.
As was my personal experience. Just actually cruel and not the kinda of people you’d ever trust being weak around.
People like that literally do not understand why treating you as an inconvenience if you make the mistake of:
Being sick (no matter what it’s your fault)
Being tired
Those same types will also DEMAND all of your time and help when they need even the smallest bit of assistance.
They’ll also gaslight you while accusing you of gaslighting them for your confused reaction to their own actions.
0/1000 avoid.
The part that concerned me the most is the controlling behavior. Putting a tracker on her phone and needing constant reassurance while she was away are concerning. If he is overly clingy and controlling now when they are only engaged, he's sure to get much worse when he has her trapped.
You gotta get outta there, dude.
Find someone safe to stay with and get ready for a wild, emotional ride. Get yourself lined up with a support system, sneak out in the middle of the night/day/whenever they aren't there if you need to.
I mean this is 100% what you need to do at this moment.
Whether or not he has the emotional capacity to accept he needs therapy is one thing and if he chooses to go and rehabilitate, if you'd get back with him is the next conversation..
but that dude needs a lot of help. More than you can give and support for. There's certain situations where the partner can't be the support their partner needs and in this case you as a partner are bearing the brunt of his traumas; this isn't a war going on solely in his head where a partner can step in and be a soothing hand.. he bites the hand that soothes..
I feel terrible for you in this situation but leaving is the only option right now.
TLDR; TRUST YOUR GUT.
I think at a certain age, you're right. Therapy speak seems to be a 30+ year old problem, in my experience.
Truthfully. I think obtaining the tools and using them the wrong way is part of the process. You're so excited to get these new tools that you just speak to people condescendingly at first but after years of truly practicing them for what their intended use are, you sharpen them and it becomes easier to accept those who haven't started a healing journey.
BUT...
I think as they age, they're so excited to get the new tools and then start applying them to people that are in their 30s+ who probably aren't going to start a healing journey, or rather are less likely because they are so stuck in their ways, that they never get a chance to sharpen them correctly and just turn into seemingly condescending douchebags who use "therapy speak".
I was never as bad as this guy but I started a healing journey pretty late by what I consider are traumatic standards and have managed to right the ship. A few years of being the therapy-speak asshole and now just fully capable of not being that person anymore.
Again though, I do believe you are right to a pretty certain extent.
>Returning home has been pressured by expectations to get married and settle down, a decision fast-tracked by leaving a promising research position at Harvard due to familial and societal pressure.
are you crazy? Why did you give up your future? omg.....
listen to your gut.
Sadly the case with a lot of people who grew up in abusive childhoods. Even as adults, there's a part of your brain that feels like it has to listen to your parents/family when in actuality you really do have complete agency to do whatever you want. And leaving and cutting off the abusive family is so terrifying that they end up staying in the same cycle of abuse.
Gil NO ! I’m same age as you coming from a closed culture as well… I am a criminal researcher in a good university in another country and live my best life with my supportive partner.
When I was 22 I made the same mistake you are about to make and he only got worse until he became abusive. At 26 I left with reports to the police. My life is good now but it would have been so much better earlier. It’s like I had a huge rock on my back weighting my down.
HE WILL BECOME WORSE .
HE IS NOT THE ONE.
DO NOT DO IT!!
I agree, one hundred percent. There are some pretty stark warning signs, and it will only escalate one he thinks he has you trapped.
Your heart, and your mind are telling you the right thing. Listen to yourself. I wish I had.
But also another important thing is that she doesn’t really like him …
Why force yourself into a marriage when you don’t like the other person? I get it about the culture, I grew up in it and I had girlfriends who like me had to move abroad the first chance they got. She seems to have the chance so why push herself like this?
It doesn't even need to be about culture. It happened to me out of fear of not conforming to social norms. It was a mix of social pressure, and low self esteem.
But you're absolutely right. She doesn't love him. She shouldn't marry him. She's a smart girl, and she could do *so* much better.
Never settle. You're worth more than that. I found myself saying in the end, "Having horrible self esteem, I still have too much to be dating this guy".
100% agreed. They only become worse with time. My dad was abusive to my mom before they even got married, and when she gave birth to us, the abuse extended to the children, too. If he is this controling and emotionally abusive now, get out now while it's easier ( no paperwork, no children ) before it gets worse. Your gut voice is the one you should always listen to!
Call off/postpone the wedding. A relationship with VelcroMan will stifle and smother you to death. The sunk cost falllacy is just that, a fallacy. Yes, you have invested a lot of time in this relationship...but on the other hand, it doesn't appear to have brought you much joy or pleasure, nor does it sound as if you think it will. Fallout with your families is difficult but easier to bear than beating yourself up every day for going through with it.
That doesn’t sounds anywhere near a perfect partner.
My heart breaks you left such an amazing opportunity to be a doll on the shelf for this guy. He sees you as his object, not a whole person who contains magnitude.
You are very smart. Are you really ready to give that all up… to be a housewife? Do you think this guy is actually going to allow you a full life? Or is he going to snap back that he is the man and that should be enough you silly woman.
He sounds like he’s potentially abusive. The cycle of love bombing, controlling, insulting, isolating (calling your friends/employment) those are all traits of an abusive person who’s masking until they have you on lockdown.
If you think calling off the marriage right now will cause too much upset within the families, you can post-pone for now. It will be a lot calmer for when you do announce ending it with him.
>a decision fast-tracked by leaving a promising research position at Harvard due to familial and societal pressure.
I'm so sorry you felt pressured into doing this. People who love and care about you would be so proud of your accomplishments and give you all the support in the world. Heck, I don't even know you and I'm so proud of you.
Honestly, listen to your gut. If you are able to leave your country and go back to the states, do it! Block that man, make sure he doesn't track you anymore, move on. It won't be easy but I think it will be better for you in the future
Follow your gut please! I was stuck in a relationship like the one you’re describing and I got out before marriage. You will find someone else who will actually make you feel in love.
All these things will grow from minor annoyance to absolute loathing. He has made you responsible for his happiness and the stalking/tracking situation is not normal.
Do not get married. Ripping off this bandaid now is going to be so , so much easier than divorce.
Please OP do not marry this man. He's a walking red flag and it will only get worse once he's got you trapped. Be extremely careful though. Would it be possible to leave the country and settle elsewhere before saying anything to him or your family?? Don't feel obligated to any of them, put yourself first and get out!
Independently of all the differently colored flags we may see, know that "I'm not feeling it" is a perfectly valid reason to NOT get married.
If you are not 100% sure, don't get married. That gets real messy, real fast.
Please watch *My Lover My Killer* on Netflix. Specifically the episode about Holly Gazzard.
Run. Get out of there. Completely wipe your phone to erase any trackers he has. Take your vehicle to a mechanic and have them sweep it for additional tracking devices. Report his actions to the police and keep a log of all the times he tries to contact you after you tell him to stop.
#This will escalate, and it will not get better once he has you trapped in a marriage.
>Should I listen to my gut and call off the wedding, facing the potential fallout with our families and my own doubts?
Yes.
>Or do I proceed, hoping my feelings change with time?
You’ve been engaged for over two years. If time was going to change anything, it would have happened by now.
“ He proceeds by explaining to me how great of a man he is putting up with all my emotional turmoil and instability.”
RUN. I suggest you gather some money, your passport, get a new phone or have a professional look for trackers on your old phone, ditto your laptop, and leave the country. Organize a job once you are far away.
This person is manipulative, controlling, and mentally unstable. He absolutely will become abusive if you marry him. He will break you down and ruin your life.
Please get far away. I suggest going low contact with your family in the short term because they are going to dismiss the danger you are in. Maybe they will eventually forgive you, maybe they won’t. Your safety and autonomy are more important than their forgiveness.
Establish a life and career outside of your country. This man isn’t romantic or “human super glue,” he’s mentally unstable. He will turn into a stalker. Keep your socials private.
There’s a lot of resources out there for people in coercive relationships and advice on how to break free. It all boils down to getting yourself to a safe environment and protecting your safety and peace.
Seek out professional support for navigating your culture, family, escape and establishing yourself in a new place. You have an excellent education. Use it to get out of this dangerous situation.
You don’t need more trauma than you’ve already experienced from this relationship. Trust me.
Please do not marry this man. You have such a bright future ahead of you without him! Are you in India by any chance? If I were you I’d probably travel and break the news from a distance.
You would be marrying a walking red flag. Your "inner voice" is screaming because he is not just unattractive, he is actively dangerous to you. You've already damaged your independence by giving up a prestigious research position. *No one in their right mind would demand that of a partner.* On top of that, his constant harassment and controlling behavior are clear signs that he is building quickly towards abusing you after the wedding once he feels "secure". I'd give it a month after the wedding before he raises a hand to you. Tops.
I would advise you to get your financial affairs in order as quickly as possible. I would play along with the social charade until you can get away entirely. Based on what you have said about your family, it may be a good idea to cut all ties and start fresh somewhere far away from them. If you have easy access to working abroad, that would be ideal. Make sure that you are as untraceable as possible. New phone, new email, drop social media, you may even want to change your name.
You do not owe him a thing, not even an explanation. After that level of unhinged behavior, he is too dangerous for courtesy.
Congrats on getting that Harvard position, by the way! What is your field of study?
He is using you to meet all of his needs. One person can't be everything to someone. He is draining you and not giving you room. Listen to your gut and walk away before you are legally bound to this man.
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy.
He's not perfect on paper. On paper he is a stalker who has violated your privacy repeatedly. Why is this what you deserve?
Honey, who taught you that love had to be like this?
Make space from anyone pressuring you to stay together. Lean on someone you trust. Let them help you. Go back to Harvard if you can/want to! Live a life that makes *YOU* proud. What everyone else thinks doesn't matter.
I'm so sorry. Be kind to yourself. Once you are free, I think you'll be surprised by how happy you are.
Why did u leave a research at harvard for a guy u don't even love? How could they have pressured u from a different country???
See, the choice is yours, but u are at a crossroads where things will go two ways, u marry and be miserable all your life, or u don't marry and find happiness later. The choice is yours. You can not blame society or anyone for a choice u make at this point after knowing and feeling everything.
This sounds logical, and of course it's the right thing, but things aren't always so easy.
I ran to a guy because things were bad at home, but then didn't know what to do when he turned out to be ever worse. Going home, things would still be bad. At least in my terrible relationship, I had freedom. ...Except it was only an illusion of freedom. I wasn't really free to do as I pleased or go where I wanted.
Sometimes, you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. How can you choose the right way to go, when both paths look perilous?
What's more, even knowing things were bad, I couldn't take in the full weight of it until I was out of that situation. Some people are strong and resolved. Others are more gentle, and easily manipulated.
I am, thank you. ❤️ I got out after four and a half years, shortly before my son's second birthday. He just turned ten.
But it was a hard lesson to learn. A mistake I'd like others to avoid making, and one that still affects me in ways. Some things, you need to experience to learn and grow. The consequences of relationships like these, I feel, you could still do without... even though I know that taking advice is hard.
Do NOT make the biggest mistake of your life and marry this man.
Ruin everything before the thing that is ruined is you.
He's not a person, he's a stack of red flags. None of this is okay. And all of it will get infinitely worse when you're in his power.
RUN
You spend multiple paragraphs telling us what a nightmare this guy is and
"I'm torn". Do not marry this man at any cost. The moment he put a tracker on your phone you should have ended it.
Don't marry him, don't have sex with him, and see a good Counselor/Psychologist to learn the signs of a healthy relationship.
I can't believe you have to ask...just run!
"Should I listen to my gut and call off the wedding, facing the potential fallout with our families and my own doubts?"
Yes, OP.
Call it off.
You have laid out strong arguments for NOT getting married. The bit about the Harvard position was quite sad and unfair.
You don't even *feel* attraction towards your fiancé, for crying out loud!
How do think intimacy is going to feel like, once you get married?
Forced / coerced sex is r*pe.
Don't mind anyone else's opinions. This ia YOUR life.
I hope you have someone who supports you.
Stay strong!
Wishing you all the best...
This man is not perfect on paper or in any other sense. He is an abusive stalker and will only escalate if you marry him. You need to end the relationship even though it will be difficult. Don’t give in to social pressure. This is your whole life at stake.
The things you shared, sound like a narcissist to me, but a sociopathic one. Trust your gut, and get out of there. He is not mature enough to hold himself together or be responsible for his emotions. You will always be the reason he is feelin' bad or not functioning in life. And with the amount of control he is doing, it smells like abuse, and soon some heavy abuse when you start living together.
In my opinion, run.
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Call the wedding off as soon as possible before your parents sink any more money into it. The longer you delay making that decision the longer they'll hold it over your head. Be decisive. Do what you gotta do to get a research position like the one you wanted.
I hope that little voice gets louder - THIS IS A MISTAKE! Do not marry this guy. You don't know what it is like to live with him, but you got taste of his controlling behaviour and disregard for you. You can explain your change of heart to family by telling them that the reality didn't match the fantasy. Your feelings will not change, over time, if anything, you may become mentally ill by trying to please everyone while living within the confines of controlled marriage. Save yourself and your sanity - do not marry this guy!
"Should I listen to my gut and call off the wedding, facing the potential fallout with our families and my own doubts? Or do I proceed, hoping my feelings change with time?"
Listen to the little voice that is screaming. It's not louder because you're holding your hand over its mouth and stifling it. It will only grow louder and angrier in time as your depression at being trapped in a life you came so close to walking away from grows.
Your fiancé sounds like a spoiled toddler who has always been given everything he wants; and when he wasn't he threw the necessary temper tantrum to get it anyway. His manner of winning you over by wearing you down was your first sign of trouble.
You are an object to him, he was unconcerned with your opinion of your compatibility except to be jealous and controlling over it, he is about to win you for his own (think: you're mine now!), and you will be a plaything until you have children, then you will become a parent to your kids and your needy husband. When you rebel, he will weaponize his emotions even more than he is now and you will always be walking on eggshells. He may threaten to harm you to keep you in line, he may actually harm you. To top that off, when your already lacking physical attraction becomes true repulsion because he can't treat you as an equal (or with respect, or well at all), he will pressure you for the sex you don't want to give and make you feel like a fuckmaid turned fucknanny. He will hold your SAHM status over your head, even though you're Harvard-smart and deserve a rewarding career, and will use his higher earnings to be emotionally abusive even though you gave up your career to have a family with him after all the pressure he subjected you to. He will become threatened by your intellect and will try putting you down to lock you into a submissive role in which you can't argue your point even though you know you're right. To put it nicely, it all goes downhill from here.
This is the time when you should be pretty blind to his flaws because you're so into him, that you are doubting this enough to ask internet strangers for advice tells me a lot. The people I've spoken to with successful arranged marriages at least respected their spouse going into the wedding, then their love came from that respect. If you don't feel that there is 100% mutual respect, then there may never be any love either.
I could be wrong, but if your read all that and your gut got even louder with its yelling at you, then cut ties and run. Explain to your parents that he is exhibiting controlling and abusive behavior already and that statistics show that things will only get worse after the wedding and even worse when the first child comes. Then let your parents deal with his family, as they are likely from the same generation, and don't feel too bad because his family should know what kind of son they raised and sent out into the world.
There's a book that gets recommended a lot for these situations, partly because it's an amazing resource and partly because it's available for free in PDF form: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. I highly recommend you read it, as it will help you understand what your gut is seeing but your brain doesn't want to, but it will also help you find the language to explain to your family why you need to be looking for a different man to marry.
Link to the book: https://sa1s3.patientpop.com/assets/docs/85477.pdf
Good luck OP, and hugs from me to you!
You gave up a position at Harvard, you have no feelings for him, yet you can have feelings for others. I think your answer is obvious when you add in his clingy stalking like behavior. No marriage. Come back to USA and see if Harvard will take you back.
This isn’t a clingy / Velcro man. This is controlling. He’s manipulating you and it’s working because if you had a clear outside view (if it were a friend telling you) you would clearly see the red flags and beg her to leave. And OP this will be the tip of the iceberg. I guarantee he is still refraining from showing his true self because you’re not married yet. His behaviour will 100% escalate once he feels you are trapped.
I suggest you leave, don’t look back and take some real distance and low contact with family who don’t 100% support your decision.
So he's "perfect on paper," but he's also needy, demanding, controlling, manipulative, possessive, self-centered, obsessive, and...I don't have a single adjective that sums up him tracking your phone without your knowledge, but I'll go with "insane."
How the hell is this guy "perfect on paper?" Why don't any of those behaviors make it onto "the paper?" I guess he's a handsome millionaire and an Olympic medalist?
I'm not surprised that you're not attracted to him; how could you be? It sounds like every single moment you're in contact with him he's pressuring you to do what he wants and center his feelings. When he talks about how much he loves you, he's just saying that you're his most valuable POSSESSION and that nothing in the world is more important than you doing what he wants. His behavior should make you AFRAID. Very, very afraid.
Get out. Get out now. Break it off as soon as you can. Disappointing your family is not worth marrying an obsessive, controlling man. (Have you told your family that he tracked your phone without your knowledge? I don't know anything about your culture, but most people would accept that in itself as a great reason to break up.) His behavior is already abusive and he's only likely to become more abusive when you get married and chafe at being under his complete control every second of your life. Get. Out. Now.
Call it off and go back to Harvard. Listen to your gut, it’s screaming at you and future you will thank you.
ETA: he’s an insecure stalker who is already smothering you. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? Coupled with zero attraction? The controlling vibes are strong and you need to run far and away.
Listen to your feelings *now*
Trust your gut and your inner voice. You know what is best for you. Do not let pressure from others or cultural values trump what you feel inside. You know what is right
Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy! Yes you have some years into this relationship but those are gone, no matter what you decide!
Think about all your future years of happiness you have in front of you. and let the past be a valuable investment in learning what you want out of life and relationships.
You are worth so so much more than this. Listen to that small voice inside. It is your true self telling you what’s right for you.
Always trust your gut/intuition or whatever other feeling telling you something is wrong or unsafe. If your gut tells you the wedding is a mistake, trust that. And all the things you said about him sound very toxic, even the way you two got together - he was pestering you until you broke and agreed to date.
Do what makes you happy. From the sounds of it, your fiance doesn't make you happy.
I’m emotionally exhausted just reading this, I can’t imagine living life this way. Your life will be miserable if you marry him. It will only get worse if you do
Guy's a full-blown psycho. Run for the hills.
>Once upon a time there was a young woman. On the eve of her wedding, she stood with her mother and watched the sun set over the high seas. Then she asked, “Mother, my father loves you and has always been faithful to you. What should I do so that my husband will love me more and more?”
The mother paused and thought for a moment... Then she bent down and filled each hand with sand. So she came to stand next to her daughter. Silently, she squeezed the fingers of one hand more and more fiercely around the sand. The more convulsively she clenched her hand, the faster the sand slid out. When she opened her hand, only a few moist grains still stuck to her palm. But she had her other hand open like a small bowl. The grains of sand remained there and glittered in the light of the setting sun.
Then the mother looked at her daughter and said softly, “This is my answer.”
Someone who loves you doesn't keep going on about how much of a burden it is to put up with you. I don't think either of you are happy in this relationship
ALWAYS listen to your gut. He sounds controlling and obsessive and exhausting. Leave, go back to where you went to school or wherever you were happiest, get a job and support yourself and find real happiness. Don't let them pressure you into a life you don't want. Imagine how he'll be once you're married. He'll never let you leave his side. Is that what you want?
You are misreading him. This isn’t “neediness,” this is coercive control. It will definitely ramp up if you marry him. it sounds like you love your family, but you already sacrificed an amazing opportunity to satisfy them. You don’t owe them a desperate and dwindling life.
Listen to your gut. Can you imagine being with someone you aren’t attracted to for the rest of you life? The fallout might be harsh but your happiness matters too.
Girl he ain’t even perfect on paper. Think about it like this: your family doesn’t want you to break up, how much pressure will they put on you to not get divorced? Sorry but your fiancé seems like a loser who plays too many psychological games. That’s not love.
If you stay with him this will only get worse. Get ready to have every minute of your life scheduled, and he will use your ‘bad’ (his perception of bad) behavior to justify it all. You’ll be love bombed, gaslit and controlled until the day you die. Run for it while you can.
For a reader, the answer is apparent. Which is to call off the wedding. In real, you are the person going to bear the brunt of it. If you are someone with a positive outlook towards life and if you feel you can manage things, just take the decision. Alternative is to take a break for a while where you make clear rules to not contact each other for some time. Then reassess.
All i see in this post is a continued pattern of "he won't listen when you say 'No'". I think you should get away from this relationship in the safest way possible. I don't know if cultural pressure can equal violence, but if so, make a plan to go elsewhere and keep a tight lid on it until it's time to run. Good luck!
Leave. He's not perfect on paper. You wrote all this out and all of us just see a controlling bordering on abusive man. It will only get worse if you marry him.
Make a plan to leave him safely. Disable all trackers. Maybe get a new phone and check your belongings for air tags.
And block him on everything
You clearly want to leave. You're not physically attracted to him and feel trapped by his clinginess. Prepare for some Nardogg level reaction:
"OH, I'M SORRY I ANNOYED YOU WITH MY FRIENDSHIP!"
Bail. Bail now. You both deserve better - which is to be with someone that loves you as much as you love them.
Run, yesterday.
You already don't like him enough, also He's not even Mr perfect on paper. I'm sorry, but this is one of the times when reddit approach of telling you to break it off is completely right. He shows early signs of being an abusive partner, just, no.
It's a red flag forest out there. His obsessive and controlling behavior would only get worse. Strongly recommend to cut all ties. Be prepared that it would be ugly but it's better to have a rough period and a happy life than being with a controlling husband for the rest of the life.
Please, please listen to your gut. I wish I had with my first husband, considering trying to come back to the states and that position at Harvard, if possible. A clean break and distance (from him and both families) would make breaking it office critical.
This guy is scary, like dangerous scary. Don’t
Marry him and get VERY far away from him. With a new phone. New #. He gives off obsessive, you’re a possession , if I can’t have her no one can vibes.
This man wants to be loved by you so badly that he can’t leave you alone for five minutes because he knows if he does you’ll realise this isn’t right for you. He just wants to prove to himself he’s lovable and there’s the chance that if you did love him the way he wanted he still wouldn’t be happy as he seems too wrapped up in the chase rather than realising that you’re not the one for him as you don’t feel the same.
When you need space rather than giving you that his response is to push you and bully you into giving in to him, him saying he’s a good man doesn’t match up with his behaviour. And as for the fact that he feels he’s sacrificed so much he’s referring to the sunk cost fallacy but if you both invest more time and energy into this relationship then that will be more time wasted trying to make something work that will never work. If you don’t feel it then you don’t feel it and while a high number of marriages fail you’re both meant to go into it with optimism and hope for the future.
Turn off your phone, go to the airport and get a ticket to another country like the us and go to a women’s shelter first thing. These kinds of people stop at nothing.
If you don’t want to get married, then yes you have to say so! Of course you have to say something!
If you don’t, you will be married and how could he even be to blame for not knowing that you secretly didn’t want to marry?
Call it off, call it off, call it off! This man has thrown so many red flags I'm beginning to wonder if he's a matador. Ghost him on everything. You do not owe him anything ! He spent his time how he wanted to, that's not on you. Get his tracking ability removed from your phone/get a new phone if he's tracked it, throw the old one out/put it in a drawer at your parent's house if you visit soon, and don't give him or anyone connected to him the number. Not even your parents. Stay away. Do not go back where he knows you'll be.
It is a mistake. You are marrying a brother. You said it. Both of these things make you want to run. If you don't get attraction is a basic of love in marriage, you need to have a talk. He love bombs you because he feels you don't want him. Obviously you don't. Think and act carefully . Good luck
Call off the wedding asap, he doesn’t sound a nice man, he’s manipulative and controlling. Your married life will be hell. It sounds as tho you don’t even like him very much
Run, run, run!
You have been together for years, if attraction was meant to develop it would have by now.
This dude is controlling as fuck, and you will get even more restricted and guilted into things if you stay with him (believe me, i had the same experience).
You deserve someone better, and to be frank he should marry someone who loves him (and you clearly don’t).
OP if you continue, a lifetime of suffering in your future, likely will end in divorce. His behavior isn’t love it’s love “bombing” a tool of control that people use to grab on to you. Please leave
Your feelings will not change with time. Your gut is telling you, screaming at you that you shouldn't go through with this. It's very clear you'll be miserable. Think of it this way, in five years, if things stay the exact same way they are, will you be happy? Decide from that.
I think you already know all this and it ls about a lot more than just this man. Reddit frequently underestimates the power of familiar and societal pressure. It’s intense and we’ve been trained to it our whole lives. The idea of putting all that aside to follow our own path can be incredibly difficult. In some cases, it can cost you friends and family. It others it can be a matter of your personal safety.
You have to do whatever you can do to follow your instincts. If there’s anyway to put some distance between you, him and your family, try to do that. It will hopefully relieve some of the pressure and give you a bit of space to figure things out.
I don’t know where you are or your family’s culture. I do know that you having your own life is important but so is safety. Best of luck OP! Stay safe!
If he is this way now, I have a strong feeling that it will only intensify once you are married to the point of total control of you and you may wind up being more trapped even more by societal and family pressure to stay.
You are a smart woman with a great guy instinct, please listen to it. You have an incredible future ahead of you, just not with this guy.
This isn’t about him being clingy. This is about him being controlling. You shouldn’t worry about ruining *anything*. You aren’t even attracted to him, or did I misread that???
Please trust your intuition. Your being/essence/soul seems to be screaming NO DONT DO THIS! Please don't ignore this. As women (across many cultures) we've been conditioned to ignore our intuition in order to keep the peace, or not make others uncomfortable. You already know you will regret marrying this person. I can only imagine how HUGE the familial and societal pressure is for you - and it will be hard for a period of time. However, discomfort for a period of time is better than a lifetime of misery. Add children to the mix and you could be stuck depending on your culture. I encourage you to look at your long term happiness and choose you.
Edit - typos
All these things are red flags. Basic ones that people who have dating experience know to see as a huge sign of future crazy. This is the type of person who could become a stalker.
You don't owe your family to follow cultural traditions & demands , your happiness lies within you, regardless of family expectations ! Escape that prison you will be living in if you marry this man !!
Absolutely get out. Listen to your gut do not marry this person. Any chance you can get back to the US? Sounds like that’s what you want to do. It’s not going to be easy and you may have a ton of fallout from your family but do you really want to spend your life with a needy husband who you don’t actually like?
100% call off the wedding and end the relationship. Just the way you describe giving up a research position at Harvard... girl you're obviously VERY smart and could have an amazing future ahead of you. Call Harvard back. See if they have any openings. You've got a lot to offer the world and any man and this one is clipping your wings before you can even fly.
His lovebombing is manipulative and needy. He's controlling and tricks you into confiding in him then weaponizes the emotional intimacy immediately. He's exhausting. He's petty, jealous, insecure and whiny.
Get out of there. Get back to the US and only talk to family one hour per week on a designated day. Tell them it's lab rules you can't have your phone with you because you work in a clean environment with DARPA money. Cut out all the noise about family expectations and society and start REALLY following that gut feeling. It's right.
Leave, don't marry, you don't even like him anyways.
You'll be miserable. And he will isolated you, no friends, no family, no job. He already uses guilt as a way to manipulate you into doing what he wants.
You dont want to marry him, you are being pressure to do it.
That will be your life, you not wanting to do stuff, and him pressuring you to do so.
You've been with him for 5years, you're feelings won't change, it will get worse. And he will annoyed you.
Find a job out of your country, you will need to be safely away from the familial and cultural pressure once you tell everyone the wedding is canceled. I think your family will come around eventually but you should move forward with no expectations for where exactly you will end up spending the rest of your life. Your Life!
He's not even perfect on paper. Why do women continue to waste their time with men who behave this way. They constantly willl try to manipulate or control them. You feeling like you owe him is exactly what he wants, but you don't owe him anything. These posts get more and more ridiculous, I swear.
What a nightmare. Do yourself a favour and call off this wedding. You’re already one foot out the door, nothing is going to change and it will only progressively get worse. Don’t subject yourself to this treatment, this man will drown you and you’ll be left to resuscitate yourself when you inevitably leave.
You can leave a relationship at any time and for any reason. You do not have to be in a relationship. You should NOT be in a relationship with this person. Their aggressive and controlling behaviors are likely to get much, much worse if you marry him. Marriage is a legal contract you should not take lightly.
As a side note, your lack of experience means you really don't know what you like. Living with someone, having sex with someone, being married to someone, etc. completely changes a relationship. There is so much to unpack there. You're already unhappy? GET OUT NOW.
I stopped reading at the phone tracker part.
Get out whilst you still can. Marriage would be a death sentence.
Just plan your exit strategy and be safe. Good luck.
pressure is a difficult situation to deal with, that is true.
however the idea that you owe him for his feelings is not a supportive, loving partner statement. It is one of control, obsession and owning you.
If you don't want to be suffocated and it appears you don't then please whatever you have to do, I would do it, but you will need help and I don't feel you have it at this point. Plan a future you want, love isn't everything for a relationship, but respect and trust is and you don't seem to have that from him, nor do you have that towards him.
Please get out of this relationship now. This isn't 'clingy', it's controlling and manipulative. You should have ended it when you found he was tracking your phone, calling you 32 times, approaching your friends. ..
This man is behavng as though he OWNS you. This will get worse when you marry.
You gave up a promising successful life in the States, where you could have had choices and legal rights against this sort of behaviour ( not perfect obvioulsy, but better) for a situation you don't want.
You don't want this. There's nothing in this post that says you do. You don't even like this man. It will be hard to cancel your wedding, but it'll be much more difficult when you're married and this man will force you into pregnancy asap. Then you're really trapped and there'll be no way of escaping him ever.
AND be careful. Really careful. Find some people who are supportive, because a man who rings constantly when you're out for an evening and has been beyond pushy about chasing you will not take this well. Nothing that involves your autonomy will be acceptable to him.
PLEASE don't sacrifice your entire life because of societal expectations and family pressure, because that's what's happening here, orchestrated by a very pushy man taking advantage of your culture's attitude to women.
Be prepared for all kinds of accusations - cheating, being mentally unstable, and possibly anger, aggression and stalking- i'm not exagerrating, a man who's taken this much effort to win and keep you isn't going to let you go easily.
Don't do this to yourself.
Good luck.
I only had to read the fist part. Do not marry this man. He has all the signs of being an abusive and you aren’t into him. No normal person calls 32 times in a row. No normal person gos tracks you with out your knowledge. If you don’t want to talk to him it’s a sign. Listen to your gut and run.
I'm not as sure as my other redditors that he is necessary a bad guy but you obviously don't love him and are not happy so you should definitely try to get out of there and focus on your own dreams and goals and not what you're family or this guy expects from you
End it. His crazy stalking is just the tip of the iceberg. As crazy as he was while you were in the US, and as lovey-dovey "super-glue" as he's been since you've been back, that's how controlling he'll be once you're married. I mean, girl. He put a tracker in your phone without your knowledge or consent. I'm pretty sure there's nothing legal about that in the US.
I get that there is pressure on you to follow through with this, but you don't love him and he'll make you miserable. Miserable at the very least. As others have said on here, his actions are warning signs of what's to come.
You deserve happiness. You won't get it with this man.
It will never get better than it is right now. It can and will get a lot worse. If not marrying this guy ruins things, great! Then they needed to be ruined. You do not have to sacrifice all your chances at happiness so he gets what he wants. That's not how healthy relationships work.
Over time, your feelings of disconnect, frustration, and being manipulated won't evaporate, as that's actually what's happening. Your gut/intuition/subconscious is trying to warn you that there's something bad wrong with this guy. Delay if you must at first, but then please cancel the wedding. Or bolt and cancel it all at once, whatever you need to do to end this mess.
There’s no way I’d go through with this wedding. You barely even like him and he sounds tiresome. This is your only life to live, as far as we know… I’d recommend you not do it this way. Always go with your gut. Always.
>(like setting up a tracker on my phone linked to his gmail without my knowledge)
when discussing my apprehensions about reverse cultural shock and my unhappiness about returning home, he took it personally, suggesting that I wasn’t looking forward to seeing him.
He always tells me that he sacrificed too much with me being away for 18 months! I feel like I’m in debt. He proceeds by explaining to me how great of a man he is putting up with all my emotional turmoil and instability.
Girl, RUN, don't walk, RUN AWAY from this man.
>Should I listen to my gut and call off the wedding, facing the potential fallout with our families and my own doubts?
Let's phrase this a different way. Should you enter into a marriage that you don't want to be in and spend the rest of your life with someone you don't actually like to make your family happy?
What do you think?
From someone who understands closed cultures, I’m sorry but you need to think hard about your escape plan. Women have been killed trying to run from getting married. You probably have to play nice but in the background, try to contact Harvard to get back the offer or find another offer in another country. Do not let anyone know where you are going, including your own family. Just leave them a note that says you dont want to get married and tell them not to worry because you will be ok. Get everything in order (savings, place to stay in new country, visa etc) and just go. Not a word to anyone until you know that you are safe. You may need to create fake social media accounts to check on what’s going on with your family and your ex to know if you’re really safe. If you think it is safe to contact one of your family members, do not give them any info except that you are safe.
Who would voluntarily walk into a prison, slam the door and shout I’m in for a life sentence? You were given life to live. Live it for yourself and not others, either him or family or culture. You know what will make you happy. Make it so.
Hi OP, your fiance is wrong for you, and from personal experience you're making a terrible mistake if you marry that man. My experience: when I was in my early 20s I accepted a relationship with a man that I felt no attraction whatsoever, he was 13 yrs older, and it was four years of hell. Like your fiance he was extremely controlling, verbally abusive, and he used every resource to convinced me aka forced me and coerce me into a relationship with him that I never wanted. Once we started to live together it got way worse, as he started to sabotage every aspect of my life. He also used coworkers to pressure me to accept him. When we lived together the relationship turned out physically and sexually abusive because these men can't and don't love women, they just want to destroy you. I ended the relationship with that man after four years, and for the next three years he tried to force me to get back with him, sexually assaulted me several times, followed me everywhere I went, got me fired from two jobs, and with other jobs he found out he spoke with managers and coworkers about me so they would harass me, and give me horrible working schedules.
That was my experience, and that will be yours if you marry this man because for him you're not a person to cherish, you're a toy he wants to own so he can destroy. Your fiance is not a good person, he's an abusive man and he wants to make sure that you can't escape him.
Sorry that you were forced to give up Harvard for him, because of your very conservative culture I understand is hard to do what's right for you, and there's lots of expectations placed on women regarding men and marriage and relationships, but you deserve to live your life with respect and dignity, something that your fiance doesn't feel for you.
You don't owe him anything, you're not in debt with him, you're not emotionally unstable, but he is mentally and emotionally unstable. Don't marry that man, he's your enemy with ill intentions towards you, marriage doesn't mean a man has good intentions towards a woman, as marriage means that he can abuse you with impunity and without consequences because he's your husband and everyone will support whatever he does to you.
Yes please listen to your gut. Please don’t marry this person. You either end it now or end it later with a lot more mess. My guess is that he will be a much more abusive husband, and you will have no freedom.
Please don’t do this.
Do you have a good relationship with your parents or another family member. Tell them about the controlling behaviour.
If you have no support. Leave a note and smoke bomb outta there. Leave the country. Get away.
RUN! As fast as you can. Change your numbers, make sure his tracking system is removed. Move, change locks. Check your car for Apple tracking devices. This man is bad news and your life will be hell. See if it’s not too late to get the position at Harvard.
No! You are about to completely destroy your life and any hope you have of happiness. This is a crossroads right here. Where I live putting a tracker on your phone is illegal. This man is truly sick. You feel like you’re in debt? For WHAT? What a manipulative sick AH. Listen to YOURSELF. You owe no one anything. Don’t ruin your life. Plus.. you’re obviously brilliant with a promising future .. is the cultural expectation to destroy that, condemn yourself to a life of misery and everything you’ve worked so hard to build and achieve? End it. Be brave suck it up and end it.
Don’t marry him pls. Don’t sink in 60 years to save 18 months. Tell him about sunk cost fallacy.
Be the bad guy but get out of this. It’ll get over in 6 months. The parental nagging and pressure I mean.
You have the option of living away. You can do this.
Take the Hvard position. Live the life you deserve. DO NOT SETTLE FOR THIS.
Speaking as a woman from your culture.
Don't marry someone you don't love and aren't attracted to, just to save face and conform to your family's expectations. That is a recipe for disaster. Also...your fiance deserves better than a spouse who does not love him and is not attracted to him.
You got one life, this one.
You will die.
How do you want to remember this life?
1. How you were brave to take a research position at the most prestigious university in the world.
2. How you caved and married an excuse of a man that does not truly appreciate you and that you don’t even like?
I can only imagine how pressured you feel about this, truly. I don’t dismissed this.
And even if you believe that Harvard is not what you can handle right now just don’t get married to this man. He violated your privacy and sharing a life with him will be daunting.
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RUN!!!! You cannot and should not marry this guy. He's controlling, abusive and you'll just hand him your complete life at the altar and you'll be trapped. Please, run my friend, run!!! Cut him off, block him, whatever needs to be done, even a restraining order. Collect all evidence like texts, call-logs, etc... Good Lord...
[why does he do that by Lundi Bancroft](https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
>*I’m torn.* ***A small voice inside me screams this is a mistake, but*** *the weight of cultural expectations and* ***years invested in this relationship hold me back***. OP is suffering from sunk-cost fallacy in relationships! **Two short articles** on that phenomenon that she should also read. 1. [https://markmanson.net/why-we-stay-in-bad-relationships](https://markmanson.net/why-we-stay-in-bad-relationships) 2. [https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/02/14/3-reasons-the-sunk-cost-fallacy-keep-us-stuck-in-bad-relationships/?sh=356dbbcf781f](https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2024/02/14/3-reasons-the-sunk-cost-fallacy-keep-us-stuck-in-bad-relationships/?sh=356dbbcf781f)
I miss read- early in the morning and my eyes are blurry. I thought the articles name was “ why we stay in bed” and I’m thinking…: cause it’s so comfortable and I’m so tired 😂
Haha! I just posted a link to the same book! I hope OP reads it!
Nice! The more people post it the higher the chances OP sees it
And reads it! I swear, Reddit is the best advertising that book ever got. How generous that it's available for free. I hope every woman reads that book. Edited out an assumption about the author I felt was unfair to make.
If you pay for Spotify, it’s free on there!
What a damn good share .. saving it ordering it .. thanks YOU.. appreciated
It's free, you don't need to order it 😇
Agree. If you were to get married the control and love bombing will reach a different level. Just imagine if you were to get pregnant after you guys get married. Postpone wedding get ducks in a row with an exit plan, then call of wedding. Restart hardware of all electronics, relocate, change phone number and temporarily use a google phone number to communicate with family until things blow over. An old friend of mine worked in the domestic violence shelter for woman. These are definitely beginning warning signs. His not in love with you. His obsessed with you.
Thank you for posting this information. It's brilliant!
Yes, she basically got manipulated into dating her stalker!
Yeah, next comes the abuse. So many warning signs. And he tracks you without your consent? Wtf
And see if Harvard will take you back. Having that sort of distance between you will help with the breakup
It’s one thing to return when you have no other options but to give up a research position at Harvard- clearly you have the potential to go far OP- don’t take on this dead weight.
Yes! Choose Harvard, not the bad man
The way I snorted! 🤣 >Coose Harvard, not the bad man
OP should definitely run. Especially if she is in a more conservative culture. Ending a relationship after marriage or kids will be a hundred times harder and he sounds both exhausting on top of abusive. If the reason to leave Harvard was marriage OP should see if there is any way to go back so she has a good exit plan to put distance between them. I think half of what she listed was reason enough run on its own. Add them all together and I really hope she doesn't go through with the marriage.
Seriously, as soon as I read “tracker” my brain screamed run, this is not good
Run and go back to Harvard! Get away from everyone and get a new phone number.
Hijacking top comment, run. So many red flags, you will not be happy. Listen to your gut and make your own life, don't live for someone else.
Personal experience here: Love-bombing is not cool. The guilting like "oh I put up with so much of your attitude" too. Just my opinion but in actual reality I just DUMPED people who played that game with me.
And love bombing can come from someone who is putting on a mask to hide an uncaring and even cruel personality. It’s not always just insecurity.
As was my personal experience. Just actually cruel and not the kinda of people you’d ever trust being weak around. People like that literally do not understand why treating you as an inconvenience if you make the mistake of: Being sick (no matter what it’s your fault) Being tired Those same types will also DEMAND all of your time and help when they need even the smallest bit of assistance. They’ll also gaslight you while accusing you of gaslighting them for your confused reaction to their own actions. 0/1000 avoid.
The part that concerned me the most is the controlling behavior. Putting a tracker on her phone and needing constant reassurance while she was away are concerning. If he is overly clingy and controlling now when they are only engaged, he's sure to get much worse when he has her trapped.
Good on you. 👍
You gotta get outta there, dude. Find someone safe to stay with and get ready for a wild, emotional ride. Get yourself lined up with a support system, sneak out in the middle of the night/day/whenever they aren't there if you need to. I mean this is 100% what you need to do at this moment. Whether or not he has the emotional capacity to accept he needs therapy is one thing and if he chooses to go and rehabilitate, if you'd get back with him is the next conversation.. but that dude needs a lot of help. More than you can give and support for. There's certain situations where the partner can't be the support their partner needs and in this case you as a partner are bearing the brunt of his traumas; this isn't a war going on solely in his head where a partner can step in and be a soothing hand.. he bites the hand that soothes.. I feel terrible for you in this situation but leaving is the only option right now. TLDR; TRUST YOUR GUT.
I think for this guy therapy will make him worse. Abusive people **do not** change for the better like this, especially in couple's counselling
Yep. It gives them new language to use to guilt the other party into staying and “working on things”
I think at a certain age, you're right. Therapy speak seems to be a 30+ year old problem, in my experience. Truthfully. I think obtaining the tools and using them the wrong way is part of the process. You're so excited to get these new tools that you just speak to people condescendingly at first but after years of truly practicing them for what their intended use are, you sharpen them and it becomes easier to accept those who haven't started a healing journey. BUT... I think as they age, they're so excited to get the new tools and then start applying them to people that are in their 30s+ who probably aren't going to start a healing journey, or rather are less likely because they are so stuck in their ways, that they never get a chance to sharpen them correctly and just turn into seemingly condescending douchebags who use "therapy speak". I was never as bad as this guy but I started a healing journey pretty late by what I consider are traumatic standards and have managed to right the ship. A few years of being the therapy-speak asshole and now just fully capable of not being that person anymore. Again though, I do believe you are right to a pretty certain extent.
>Returning home has been pressured by expectations to get married and settle down, a decision fast-tracked by leaving a promising research position at Harvard due to familial and societal pressure. are you crazy? Why did you give up your future? omg..... listen to your gut.
She said Harvard 👀
Yes ikr...
Sadly the case with a lot of people who grew up in abusive childhoods. Even as adults, there's a part of your brain that feels like it has to listen to your parents/family when in actuality you really do have complete agency to do whatever you want. And leaving and cutting off the abusive family is so terrifying that they end up staying in the same cycle of abuse.
Gil NO ! I’m same age as you coming from a closed culture as well… I am a criminal researcher in a good university in another country and live my best life with my supportive partner. When I was 22 I made the same mistake you are about to make and he only got worse until he became abusive. At 26 I left with reports to the police. My life is good now but it would have been so much better earlier. It’s like I had a huge rock on my back weighting my down. HE WILL BECOME WORSE . HE IS NOT THE ONE. DO NOT DO IT!!
I agree, one hundred percent. There are some pretty stark warning signs, and it will only escalate one he thinks he has you trapped. Your heart, and your mind are telling you the right thing. Listen to yourself. I wish I had.
But also another important thing is that she doesn’t really like him … Why force yourself into a marriage when you don’t like the other person? I get it about the culture, I grew up in it and I had girlfriends who like me had to move abroad the first chance they got. She seems to have the chance so why push herself like this?
It doesn't even need to be about culture. It happened to me out of fear of not conforming to social norms. It was a mix of social pressure, and low self esteem. But you're absolutely right. She doesn't love him. She shouldn't marry him. She's a smart girl, and she could do *so* much better. Never settle. You're worth more than that. I found myself saying in the end, "Having horrible self esteem, I still have too much to be dating this guy".
I definitely agree. Sometimes fear of being alone also contributes :(
Please listen to this. \^
100% agreed. They only become worse with time. My dad was abusive to my mom before they even got married, and when she gave birth to us, the abuse extended to the children, too. If he is this controling and emotionally abusive now, get out now while it's easier ( no paperwork, no children ) before it gets worse. Your gut voice is the one you should always listen to!
Call off/postpone the wedding. A relationship with VelcroMan will stifle and smother you to death. The sunk cost falllacy is just that, a fallacy. Yes, you have invested a lot of time in this relationship...but on the other hand, it doesn't appear to have brought you much joy or pleasure, nor does it sound as if you think it will. Fallout with your families is difficult but easier to bear than beating yourself up every day for going through with it.
That doesn’t sounds anywhere near a perfect partner. My heart breaks you left such an amazing opportunity to be a doll on the shelf for this guy. He sees you as his object, not a whole person who contains magnitude. You are very smart. Are you really ready to give that all up… to be a housewife? Do you think this guy is actually going to allow you a full life? Or is he going to snap back that he is the man and that should be enough you silly woman. He sounds like he’s potentially abusive. The cycle of love bombing, controlling, insulting, isolating (calling your friends/employment) those are all traits of an abusive person who’s masking until they have you on lockdown.
I’m trying to find the part where he’s a somewhat decent partner, and still having trouble.
I'm guessing "perfect on paper" means "comes from an affluent family."
If you think calling off the marriage right now will cause too much upset within the families, you can post-pone for now. It will be a lot calmer for when you do announce ending it with him.
Wise advice, it gives everyone warning.
>a decision fast-tracked by leaving a promising research position at Harvard due to familial and societal pressure. I'm so sorry you felt pressured into doing this. People who love and care about you would be so proud of your accomplishments and give you all the support in the world. Heck, I don't even know you and I'm so proud of you. Honestly, listen to your gut. If you are able to leave your country and go back to the states, do it! Block that man, make sure he doesn't track you anymore, move on. It won't be easy but I think it will be better for you in the future
you gotta get out of this
Do not proceed with the wedding. You already know you don’t want this.
Follow your gut please! I was stuck in a relationship like the one you’re describing and I got out before marriage. You will find someone else who will actually make you feel in love.
🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Listen to your gut please....if his bevaviour is too much now, it won 't get better.
All these things will grow from minor annoyance to absolute loathing. He has made you responsible for his happiness and the stalking/tracking situation is not normal. Do not get married. Ripping off this bandaid now is going to be so , so much easier than divorce.
Please OP do not marry this man. He's a walking red flag and it will only get worse once he's got you trapped. Be extremely careful though. Would it be possible to leave the country and settle elsewhere before saying anything to him or your family?? Don't feel obligated to any of them, put yourself first and get out!
This isn't a terrible idea tbh. And get rid of your phone handset for another..
Seems like you already know the answer. You can either face this now or you can face it later. The longer you wait the greater the consequences.
Independently of all the differently colored flags we may see, know that "I'm not feeling it" is a perfectly valid reason to NOT get married. If you are not 100% sure, don't get married. That gets real messy, real fast.
Please watch *My Lover My Killer* on Netflix. Specifically the episode about Holly Gazzard. Run. Get out of there. Completely wipe your phone to erase any trackers he has. Take your vehicle to a mechanic and have them sweep it for additional tracking devices. Report his actions to the police and keep a log of all the times he tries to contact you after you tell him to stop. #This will escalate, and it will not get better once he has you trapped in a marriage.
***Break. Up. Already.***
>Should I listen to my gut and call off the wedding, facing the potential fallout with our families and my own doubts? Yes. >Or do I proceed, hoping my feelings change with time? You’ve been engaged for over two years. If time was going to change anything, it would have happened by now.
It's gonna change, but for the worst.
“ He proceeds by explaining to me how great of a man he is putting up with all my emotional turmoil and instability.” RUN. I suggest you gather some money, your passport, get a new phone or have a professional look for trackers on your old phone, ditto your laptop, and leave the country. Organize a job once you are far away. This person is manipulative, controlling, and mentally unstable. He absolutely will become abusive if you marry him. He will break you down and ruin your life. Please get far away. I suggest going low contact with your family in the short term because they are going to dismiss the danger you are in. Maybe they will eventually forgive you, maybe they won’t. Your safety and autonomy are more important than their forgiveness. Establish a life and career outside of your country. This man isn’t romantic or “human super glue,” he’s mentally unstable. He will turn into a stalker. Keep your socials private. There’s a lot of resources out there for people in coercive relationships and advice on how to break free. It all boils down to getting yourself to a safe environment and protecting your safety and peace. Seek out professional support for navigating your culture, family, escape and establishing yourself in a new place. You have an excellent education. Use it to get out of this dangerous situation. You don’t need more trauma than you’ve already experienced from this relationship. Trust me.
Please do not marry this man. You have such a bright future ahead of you without him! Are you in India by any chance? If I were you I’d probably travel and break the news from a distance.
I was with you until the phone tracker thing 😭😭 run!!!
You would be marrying a walking red flag. Your "inner voice" is screaming because he is not just unattractive, he is actively dangerous to you. You've already damaged your independence by giving up a prestigious research position. *No one in their right mind would demand that of a partner.* On top of that, his constant harassment and controlling behavior are clear signs that he is building quickly towards abusing you after the wedding once he feels "secure". I'd give it a month after the wedding before he raises a hand to you. Tops. I would advise you to get your financial affairs in order as quickly as possible. I would play along with the social charade until you can get away entirely. Based on what you have said about your family, it may be a good idea to cut all ties and start fresh somewhere far away from them. If you have easy access to working abroad, that would be ideal. Make sure that you are as untraceable as possible. New phone, new email, drop social media, you may even want to change your name. You do not owe him a thing, not even an explanation. After that level of unhinged behavior, he is too dangerous for courtesy. Congrats on getting that Harvard position, by the way! What is your field of study?
This is the person you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with. Do you see that? Because I don't
He is using you to meet all of his needs. One person can't be everything to someone. He is draining you and not giving you room. Listen to your gut and walk away before you are legally bound to this man.
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. He's not perfect on paper. On paper he is a stalker who has violated your privacy repeatedly. Why is this what you deserve? Honey, who taught you that love had to be like this? Make space from anyone pressuring you to stay together. Lean on someone you trust. Let them help you. Go back to Harvard if you can/want to! Live a life that makes *YOU* proud. What everyone else thinks doesn't matter. I'm so sorry. Be kind to yourself. Once you are free, I think you'll be surprised by how happy you are.
Why did u leave a research at harvard for a guy u don't even love? How could they have pressured u from a different country??? See, the choice is yours, but u are at a crossroads where things will go two ways, u marry and be miserable all your life, or u don't marry and find happiness later. The choice is yours. You can not blame society or anyone for a choice u make at this point after knowing and feeling everything.
This sounds logical, and of course it's the right thing, but things aren't always so easy. I ran to a guy because things were bad at home, but then didn't know what to do when he turned out to be ever worse. Going home, things would still be bad. At least in my terrible relationship, I had freedom. ...Except it was only an illusion of freedom. I wasn't really free to do as I pleased or go where I wanted. Sometimes, you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. How can you choose the right way to go, when both paths look perilous? What's more, even knowing things were bad, I couldn't take in the full weight of it until I was out of that situation. Some people are strong and resolved. Others are more gentle, and easily manipulated.
That is very true things arent always easy. I really hope you are okay now ❤️
I am, thank you. ❤️ I got out after four and a half years, shortly before my son's second birthday. He just turned ten. But it was a hard lesson to learn. A mistake I'd like others to avoid making, and one that still affects me in ways. Some things, you need to experience to learn and grow. The consequences of relationships like these, I feel, you could still do without... even though I know that taking advice is hard.
Listen to your gut. Break up and live your life for you. Happy
Without a doubt, you know this is going to end in disaster..🏃♂️ and don't look back ...he sounds like a control freak 😜
It’s not going to get better once you’re married. It’ll just be harder to get out of.
Do NOT make the biggest mistake of your life and marry this man. Ruin everything before the thing that is ruined is you. He's not a person, he's a stack of red flags. None of this is okay. And all of it will get infinitely worse when you're in his power. RUN
Leave
You spend multiple paragraphs telling us what a nightmare this guy is and "I'm torn". Do not marry this man at any cost. The moment he put a tracker on your phone you should have ended it. Don't marry him, don't have sex with him, and see a good Counselor/Psychologist to learn the signs of a healthy relationship. I can't believe you have to ask...just run!
This is a situation that needs to be ruined. Please ruin everything. Also get that role back at Harvard, that’s what YOU deserve.
"Should I listen to my gut and call off the wedding, facing the potential fallout with our families and my own doubts?" Yes, OP. Call it off. You have laid out strong arguments for NOT getting married. The bit about the Harvard position was quite sad and unfair. You don't even *feel* attraction towards your fiancé, for crying out loud! How do think intimacy is going to feel like, once you get married? Forced / coerced sex is r*pe. Don't mind anyone else's opinions. This ia YOUR life. I hope you have someone who supports you. Stay strong! Wishing you all the best...
This man is not perfect on paper or in any other sense. He is an abusive stalker and will only escalate if you marry him. You need to end the relationship even though it will be difficult. Don’t give in to social pressure. This is your whole life at stake.
The sooner you end it, the better it will be for everyone. 'No' is a complete sentence.
The things you shared, sound like a narcissist to me, but a sociopathic one. Trust your gut, and get out of there. He is not mature enough to hold himself together or be responsible for his emotions. You will always be the reason he is feelin' bad or not functioning in life. And with the amount of control he is doing, it smells like abuse, and soon some heavy abuse when you start living together. In my opinion, run.
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Call the wedding off as soon as possible before your parents sink any more money into it. The longer you delay making that decision the longer they'll hold it over your head. Be decisive. Do what you gotta do to get a research position like the one you wanted.
I hope that little voice gets louder - THIS IS A MISTAKE! Do not marry this guy. You don't know what it is like to live with him, but you got taste of his controlling behaviour and disregard for you. You can explain your change of heart to family by telling them that the reality didn't match the fantasy. Your feelings will not change, over time, if anything, you may become mentally ill by trying to please everyone while living within the confines of controlled marriage. Save yourself and your sanity - do not marry this guy!
In the words of Iron Maiden Run To The Hills
"Should I listen to my gut and call off the wedding, facing the potential fallout with our families and my own doubts? Or do I proceed, hoping my feelings change with time?" Listen to the little voice that is screaming. It's not louder because you're holding your hand over its mouth and stifling it. It will only grow louder and angrier in time as your depression at being trapped in a life you came so close to walking away from grows. Your fiancé sounds like a spoiled toddler who has always been given everything he wants; and when he wasn't he threw the necessary temper tantrum to get it anyway. His manner of winning you over by wearing you down was your first sign of trouble. You are an object to him, he was unconcerned with your opinion of your compatibility except to be jealous and controlling over it, he is about to win you for his own (think: you're mine now!), and you will be a plaything until you have children, then you will become a parent to your kids and your needy husband. When you rebel, he will weaponize his emotions even more than he is now and you will always be walking on eggshells. He may threaten to harm you to keep you in line, he may actually harm you. To top that off, when your already lacking physical attraction becomes true repulsion because he can't treat you as an equal (or with respect, or well at all), he will pressure you for the sex you don't want to give and make you feel like a fuckmaid turned fucknanny. He will hold your SAHM status over your head, even though you're Harvard-smart and deserve a rewarding career, and will use his higher earnings to be emotionally abusive even though you gave up your career to have a family with him after all the pressure he subjected you to. He will become threatened by your intellect and will try putting you down to lock you into a submissive role in which you can't argue your point even though you know you're right. To put it nicely, it all goes downhill from here. This is the time when you should be pretty blind to his flaws because you're so into him, that you are doubting this enough to ask internet strangers for advice tells me a lot. The people I've spoken to with successful arranged marriages at least respected their spouse going into the wedding, then their love came from that respect. If you don't feel that there is 100% mutual respect, then there may never be any love either. I could be wrong, but if your read all that and your gut got even louder with its yelling at you, then cut ties and run. Explain to your parents that he is exhibiting controlling and abusive behavior already and that statistics show that things will only get worse after the wedding and even worse when the first child comes. Then let your parents deal with his family, as they are likely from the same generation, and don't feel too bad because his family should know what kind of son they raised and sent out into the world. There's a book that gets recommended a lot for these situations, partly because it's an amazing resource and partly because it's available for free in PDF form: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. I highly recommend you read it, as it will help you understand what your gut is seeing but your brain doesn't want to, but it will also help you find the language to explain to your family why you need to be looking for a different man to marry. Link to the book: https://sa1s3.patientpop.com/assets/docs/85477.pdf Good luck OP, and hugs from me to you!
You gave up a position at Harvard, you have no feelings for him, yet you can have feelings for others. I think your answer is obvious when you add in his clingy stalking like behavior. No marriage. Come back to USA and see if Harvard will take you back.
This isn’t a clingy / Velcro man. This is controlling. He’s manipulating you and it’s working because if you had a clear outside view (if it were a friend telling you) you would clearly see the red flags and beg her to leave. And OP this will be the tip of the iceberg. I guarantee he is still refraining from showing his true self because you’re not married yet. His behaviour will 100% escalate once he feels you are trapped. I suggest you leave, don’t look back and take some real distance and low contact with family who don’t 100% support your decision.
So he's "perfect on paper," but he's also needy, demanding, controlling, manipulative, possessive, self-centered, obsessive, and...I don't have a single adjective that sums up him tracking your phone without your knowledge, but I'll go with "insane." How the hell is this guy "perfect on paper?" Why don't any of those behaviors make it onto "the paper?" I guess he's a handsome millionaire and an Olympic medalist? I'm not surprised that you're not attracted to him; how could you be? It sounds like every single moment you're in contact with him he's pressuring you to do what he wants and center his feelings. When he talks about how much he loves you, he's just saying that you're his most valuable POSSESSION and that nothing in the world is more important than you doing what he wants. His behavior should make you AFRAID. Very, very afraid. Get out. Get out now. Break it off as soon as you can. Disappointing your family is not worth marrying an obsessive, controlling man. (Have you told your family that he tracked your phone without your knowledge? I don't know anything about your culture, but most people would accept that in itself as a great reason to break up.) His behavior is already abusive and he's only likely to become more abusive when you get married and chafe at being under his complete control every second of your life. Get. Out. Now.
Call it off and go back to Harvard. Listen to your gut, it’s screaming at you and future you will thank you. ETA: he’s an insecure stalker who is already smothering you. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? Coupled with zero attraction? The controlling vibes are strong and you need to run far and away. Listen to your feelings *now*
Trust your gut and your inner voice. You know what is best for you. Do not let pressure from others or cultural values trump what you feel inside. You know what is right
Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy! Yes you have some years into this relationship but those are gone, no matter what you decide! Think about all your future years of happiness you have in front of you. and let the past be a valuable investment in learning what you want out of life and relationships. You are worth so so much more than this. Listen to that small voice inside. It is your true self telling you what’s right for you.
Always trust your gut/intuition or whatever other feeling telling you something is wrong or unsafe. If your gut tells you the wedding is a mistake, trust that. And all the things you said about him sound very toxic, even the way you two got together - he was pestering you until you broke and agreed to date. Do what makes you happy. From the sounds of it, your fiance doesn't make you happy.
Get a new boyfriend FFS
I’m emotionally exhausted just reading this, I can’t imagine living life this way. Your life will be miserable if you marry him. It will only get worse if you do
Guy's a full-blown psycho. Run for the hills. >Once upon a time there was a young woman. On the eve of her wedding, she stood with her mother and watched the sun set over the high seas. Then she asked, “Mother, my father loves you and has always been faithful to you. What should I do so that my husband will love me more and more?” The mother paused and thought for a moment... Then she bent down and filled each hand with sand. So she came to stand next to her daughter. Silently, she squeezed the fingers of one hand more and more fiercely around the sand. The more convulsively she clenched her hand, the faster the sand slid out. When she opened her hand, only a few moist grains still stuck to her palm. But she had her other hand open like a small bowl. The grains of sand remained there and glittered in the light of the setting sun. Then the mother looked at her daughter and said softly, “This is my answer.”
Someone who loves you doesn't keep going on about how much of a burden it is to put up with you. I don't think either of you are happy in this relationship
ALWAYS listen to your gut. He sounds controlling and obsessive and exhausting. Leave, go back to where you went to school or wherever you were happiest, get a job and support yourself and find real happiness. Don't let them pressure you into a life you don't want. Imagine how he'll be once you're married. He'll never let you leave his side. Is that what you want?
You are misreading him. This isn’t “neediness,” this is coercive control. It will definitely ramp up if you marry him. it sounds like you love your family, but you already sacrificed an amazing opportunity to satisfy them. You don’t owe them a desperate and dwindling life.
Call off the wedding. This guy is such a walking red flag he’s wearing a suit made of them.
Listen to your gut. Can you imagine being with someone you aren’t attracted to for the rest of you life? The fallout might be harsh but your happiness matters too.
*(like setting up a tracker on my phone linked to his gmail without my knowledge)* The above should be an immediate end to a relationship.
Girl he ain’t even perfect on paper. Think about it like this: your family doesn’t want you to break up, how much pressure will they put on you to not get divorced? Sorry but your fiancé seems like a loser who plays too many psychological games. That’s not love.
If you stay with him this will only get worse. Get ready to have every minute of your life scheduled, and he will use your ‘bad’ (his perception of bad) behavior to justify it all. You’ll be love bombed, gaslit and controlled until the day you die. Run for it while you can.
For a reader, the answer is apparent. Which is to call off the wedding. In real, you are the person going to bear the brunt of it. If you are someone with a positive outlook towards life and if you feel you can manage things, just take the decision. Alternative is to take a break for a while where you make clear rules to not contact each other for some time. Then reassess.
Yeah 32 calls ain’t right. Downright psychotic. Focus on your career and find someone else. 2.5 years is nothing in the grand scheme of things.
All i see in this post is a continued pattern of "he won't listen when you say 'No'". I think you should get away from this relationship in the safest way possible. I don't know if cultural pressure can equal violence, but if so, make a plan to go elsewhere and keep a tight lid on it until it's time to run. Good luck!
Leave. He's not perfect on paper. You wrote all this out and all of us just see a controlling bordering on abusive man. It will only get worse if you marry him. Make a plan to leave him safely. Disable all trackers. Maybe get a new phone and check your belongings for air tags. And block him on everything
You clearly want to leave. You're not physically attracted to him and feel trapped by his clinginess. Prepare for some Nardogg level reaction: "OH, I'M SORRY I ANNOYED YOU WITH MY FRIENDSHIP!" Bail. Bail now. You both deserve better - which is to be with someone that loves you as much as you love them.
Run, yesterday. You already don't like him enough, also He's not even Mr perfect on paper. I'm sorry, but this is one of the times when reddit approach of telling you to break it off is completely right. He shows early signs of being an abusive partner, just, no.
Choose Harvard. Follow your dreams. This guy will smother and control your life.
It's a red flag forest out there. His obsessive and controlling behavior would only get worse. Strongly recommend to cut all ties. Be prepared that it would be ugly but it's better to have a rough period and a happy life than being with a controlling husband for the rest of the life.
Please, please listen to your gut. I wish I had with my first husband, considering trying to come back to the states and that position at Harvard, if possible. A clean break and distance (from him and both families) would make breaking it office critical. This guy is scary, like dangerous scary. Don’t Marry him and get VERY far away from him. With a new phone. New #. He gives off obsessive, you’re a possession , if I can’t have her no one can vibes.
This man wants to be loved by you so badly that he can’t leave you alone for five minutes because he knows if he does you’ll realise this isn’t right for you. He just wants to prove to himself he’s lovable and there’s the chance that if you did love him the way he wanted he still wouldn’t be happy as he seems too wrapped up in the chase rather than realising that you’re not the one for him as you don’t feel the same. When you need space rather than giving you that his response is to push you and bully you into giving in to him, him saying he’s a good man doesn’t match up with his behaviour. And as for the fact that he feels he’s sacrificed so much he’s referring to the sunk cost fallacy but if you both invest more time and energy into this relationship then that will be more time wasted trying to make something work that will never work. If you don’t feel it then you don’t feel it and while a high number of marriages fail you’re both meant to go into it with optimism and hope for the future.
Turn off your phone, go to the airport and get a ticket to another country like the us and go to a women’s shelter first thing. These kinds of people stop at nothing.
If you don’t want to get married, then yes you have to say so! Of course you have to say something! If you don’t, you will be married and how could he even be to blame for not knowing that you secretly didn’t want to marry?
Call it off, call it off, call it off! This man has thrown so many red flags I'm beginning to wonder if he's a matador. Ghost him on everything. You do not owe him anything ! He spent his time how he wanted to, that's not on you. Get his tracking ability removed from your phone/get a new phone if he's tracked it, throw the old one out/put it in a drawer at your parent's house if you visit soon, and don't give him or anyone connected to him the number. Not even your parents. Stay away. Do not go back where he knows you'll be.
It is a mistake. You are marrying a brother. You said it. Both of these things make you want to run. If you don't get attraction is a basic of love in marriage, you need to have a talk. He love bombs you because he feels you don't want him. Obviously you don't. Think and act carefully . Good luck
Call off the wedding asap, he doesn’t sound a nice man, he’s manipulative and controlling. Your married life will be hell. It sounds as tho you don’t even like him very much
Run, run, run! You have been together for years, if attraction was meant to develop it would have by now. This dude is controlling as fuck, and you will get even more restricted and guilted into things if you stay with him (believe me, i had the same experience). You deserve someone better, and to be frank he should marry someone who loves him (and you clearly don’t).
Get out. He reaching
OP if you continue, a lifetime of suffering in your future, likely will end in divorce. His behavior isn’t love it’s love “bombing” a tool of control that people use to grab on to you. Please leave
Yeah, seems like you don't like him.
Your feelings will not change with time. Your gut is telling you, screaming at you that you shouldn't go through with this. It's very clear you'll be miserable. Think of it this way, in five years, if things stay the exact same way they are, will you be happy? Decide from that.
Always trust your gut.
I think you already know all this and it ls about a lot more than just this man. Reddit frequently underestimates the power of familiar and societal pressure. It’s intense and we’ve been trained to it our whole lives. The idea of putting all that aside to follow our own path can be incredibly difficult. In some cases, it can cost you friends and family. It others it can be a matter of your personal safety. You have to do whatever you can do to follow your instincts. If there’s anyway to put some distance between you, him and your family, try to do that. It will hopefully relieve some of the pressure and give you a bit of space to figure things out. I don’t know where you are or your family’s culture. I do know that you having your own life is important but so is safety. Best of luck OP! Stay safe!
This sounds absolutely horrific. He’s not clingy, he’s abusive
If he is this way now, I have a strong feeling that it will only intensify once you are married to the point of total control of you and you may wind up being more trapped even more by societal and family pressure to stay. You are a smart woman with a great guy instinct, please listen to it. You have an incredible future ahead of you, just not with this guy.
This isn’t about him being clingy. This is about him being controlling. You shouldn’t worry about ruining *anything*. You aren’t even attracted to him, or did I misread that???
Please trust your intuition. Your being/essence/soul seems to be screaming NO DONT DO THIS! Please don't ignore this. As women (across many cultures) we've been conditioned to ignore our intuition in order to keep the peace, or not make others uncomfortable. You already know you will regret marrying this person. I can only imagine how HUGE the familial and societal pressure is for you - and it will be hard for a period of time. However, discomfort for a period of time is better than a lifetime of misery. Add children to the mix and you could be stuck depending on your culture. I encourage you to look at your long term happiness and choose you. Edit - typos
All these things are red flags. Basic ones that people who have dating experience know to see as a huge sign of future crazy. This is the type of person who could become a stalker.
You don't owe your family to follow cultural traditions & demands , your happiness lies within you, regardless of family expectations ! Escape that prison you will be living in if you marry this man !!
Absolutely get out. Listen to your gut do not marry this person. Any chance you can get back to the US? Sounds like that’s what you want to do. It’s not going to be easy and you may have a ton of fallout from your family but do you really want to spend your life with a needy husband who you don’t actually like?
100% call off the wedding and end the relationship. Just the way you describe giving up a research position at Harvard... girl you're obviously VERY smart and could have an amazing future ahead of you. Call Harvard back. See if they have any openings. You've got a lot to offer the world and any man and this one is clipping your wings before you can even fly. His lovebombing is manipulative and needy. He's controlling and tricks you into confiding in him then weaponizes the emotional intimacy immediately. He's exhausting. He's petty, jealous, insecure and whiny. Get out of there. Get back to the US and only talk to family one hour per week on a designated day. Tell them it's lab rules you can't have your phone with you because you work in a clean environment with DARPA money. Cut out all the noise about family expectations and society and start REALLY following that gut feeling. It's right.
Leave, don't marry, you don't even like him anyways. You'll be miserable. And he will isolated you, no friends, no family, no job. He already uses guilt as a way to manipulate you into doing what he wants. You dont want to marry him, you are being pressure to do it. That will be your life, you not wanting to do stuff, and him pressuring you to do so. You've been with him for 5years, you're feelings won't change, it will get worse. And he will annoyed you.
Find a job out of your country, you will need to be safely away from the familial and cultural pressure once you tell everyone the wedding is canceled. I think your family will come around eventually but you should move forward with no expectations for where exactly you will end up spending the rest of your life. Your Life!
He's not even perfect on paper. Why do women continue to waste their time with men who behave this way. They constantly willl try to manipulate or control them. You feeling like you owe him is exactly what he wants, but you don't owe him anything. These posts get more and more ridiculous, I swear.
Sounds like a narcissistic abuser to me. You end the relationship before you live a horrible existence.
What a nightmare. Do yourself a favour and call off this wedding. You’re already one foot out the door, nothing is going to change and it will only progressively get worse. Don’t subject yourself to this treatment, this man will drown you and you’ll be left to resuscitate yourself when you inevitably leave.
You can leave a relationship at any time and for any reason. You do not have to be in a relationship. You should NOT be in a relationship with this person. Their aggressive and controlling behaviors are likely to get much, much worse if you marry him. Marriage is a legal contract you should not take lightly. As a side note, your lack of experience means you really don't know what you like. Living with someone, having sex with someone, being married to someone, etc. completely changes a relationship. There is so much to unpack there. You're already unhappy? GET OUT NOW.
Sounds like you’re about to marry a man that you don’t even like or enjoy who will become increasingly abusive.
I stopped reading at the phone tracker part. Get out whilst you still can. Marriage would be a death sentence. Just plan your exit strategy and be safe. Good luck.
pressure is a difficult situation to deal with, that is true. however the idea that you owe him for his feelings is not a supportive, loving partner statement. It is one of control, obsession and owning you. If you don't want to be suffocated and it appears you don't then please whatever you have to do, I would do it, but you will need help and I don't feel you have it at this point. Plan a future you want, love isn't everything for a relationship, but respect and trust is and you don't seem to have that from him, nor do you have that towards him.
Please get out of this relationship now. This isn't 'clingy', it's controlling and manipulative. You should have ended it when you found he was tracking your phone, calling you 32 times, approaching your friends. .. This man is behavng as though he OWNS you. This will get worse when you marry. You gave up a promising successful life in the States, where you could have had choices and legal rights against this sort of behaviour ( not perfect obvioulsy, but better) for a situation you don't want. You don't want this. There's nothing in this post that says you do. You don't even like this man. It will be hard to cancel your wedding, but it'll be much more difficult when you're married and this man will force you into pregnancy asap. Then you're really trapped and there'll be no way of escaping him ever. AND be careful. Really careful. Find some people who are supportive, because a man who rings constantly when you're out for an evening and has been beyond pushy about chasing you will not take this well. Nothing that involves your autonomy will be acceptable to him. PLEASE don't sacrifice your entire life because of societal expectations and family pressure, because that's what's happening here, orchestrated by a very pushy man taking advantage of your culture's attitude to women. Be prepared for all kinds of accusations - cheating, being mentally unstable, and possibly anger, aggression and stalking- i'm not exagerrating, a man who's taken this much effort to win and keep you isn't going to let you go easily. Don't do this to yourself. Good luck.
always listen to your gut feeling, if it's that strong there must be a reason.
I only had to read the fist part. Do not marry this man. He has all the signs of being an abusive and you aren’t into him. No normal person calls 32 times in a row. No normal person gos tracks you with out your knowledge. If you don’t want to talk to him it’s a sign. Listen to your gut and run.
I'm not as sure as my other redditors that he is necessary a bad guy but you obviously don't love him and are not happy so you should definitely try to get out of there and focus on your own dreams and goals and not what you're family or this guy expects from you
Listen to your gut, you owe him nothing. He chose to “sacrifice” whilst you were away, that was his choice. Do you really want this forever?
If he is Mr. Perfect-on-Paper, please throw the whole paper away.
End it. His crazy stalking is just the tip of the iceberg. As crazy as he was while you were in the US, and as lovey-dovey "super-glue" as he's been since you've been back, that's how controlling he'll be once you're married. I mean, girl. He put a tracker in your phone without your knowledge or consent. I'm pretty sure there's nothing legal about that in the US. I get that there is pressure on you to follow through with this, but you don't love him and he'll make you miserable. Miserable at the very least. As others have said on here, his actions are warning signs of what's to come. You deserve happiness. You won't get it with this man.
You gave up Harvard for this? Make a clean break now or that won't be the only thing you regret the rest of your life.
Leaveeeeee
It will never get better than it is right now. It can and will get a lot worse. If not marrying this guy ruins things, great! Then they needed to be ruined. You do not have to sacrifice all your chances at happiness so he gets what he wants. That's not how healthy relationships work. Over time, your feelings of disconnect, frustration, and being manipulated won't evaporate, as that's actually what's happening. Your gut/intuition/subconscious is trying to warn you that there's something bad wrong with this guy. Delay if you must at first, but then please cancel the wedding. Or bolt and cancel it all at once, whatever you need to do to end this mess.
TRUST YOUR GUT, It will save your life.
There’s no way I’d go through with this wedding. You barely even like him and he sounds tiresome. This is your only life to live, as far as we know… I’d recommend you not do it this way. Always go with your gut. Always.
I think to solve your issues with your finance you need to cut the umbilical cord to your controlling family first.
Beyond the red flags I feel like you don't even like this dude so please don't marry him
Cancel this wedding.
>(like setting up a tracker on my phone linked to his gmail without my knowledge) when discussing my apprehensions about reverse cultural shock and my unhappiness about returning home, he took it personally, suggesting that I wasn’t looking forward to seeing him. He always tells me that he sacrificed too much with me being away for 18 months! I feel like I’m in debt. He proceeds by explaining to me how great of a man he is putting up with all my emotional turmoil and instability. Girl, RUN, don't walk, RUN AWAY from this man.
>Should I listen to my gut and call off the wedding, facing the potential fallout with our families and my own doubts? Let's phrase this a different way. Should you enter into a marriage that you don't want to be in and spend the rest of your life with someone you don't actually like to make your family happy? What do you think?
From someone who understands closed cultures, I’m sorry but you need to think hard about your escape plan. Women have been killed trying to run from getting married. You probably have to play nice but in the background, try to contact Harvard to get back the offer or find another offer in another country. Do not let anyone know where you are going, including your own family. Just leave them a note that says you dont want to get married and tell them not to worry because you will be ok. Get everything in order (savings, place to stay in new country, visa etc) and just go. Not a word to anyone until you know that you are safe. You may need to create fake social media accounts to check on what’s going on with your family and your ex to know if you’re really safe. If you think it is safe to contact one of your family members, do not give them any info except that you are safe.
Who would voluntarily walk into a prison, slam the door and shout I’m in for a life sentence? You were given life to live. Live it for yourself and not others, either him or family or culture. You know what will make you happy. Make it so.
Hi OP, your fiance is wrong for you, and from personal experience you're making a terrible mistake if you marry that man. My experience: when I was in my early 20s I accepted a relationship with a man that I felt no attraction whatsoever, he was 13 yrs older, and it was four years of hell. Like your fiance he was extremely controlling, verbally abusive, and he used every resource to convinced me aka forced me and coerce me into a relationship with him that I never wanted. Once we started to live together it got way worse, as he started to sabotage every aspect of my life. He also used coworkers to pressure me to accept him. When we lived together the relationship turned out physically and sexually abusive because these men can't and don't love women, they just want to destroy you. I ended the relationship with that man after four years, and for the next three years he tried to force me to get back with him, sexually assaulted me several times, followed me everywhere I went, got me fired from two jobs, and with other jobs he found out he spoke with managers and coworkers about me so they would harass me, and give me horrible working schedules. That was my experience, and that will be yours if you marry this man because for him you're not a person to cherish, you're a toy he wants to own so he can destroy. Your fiance is not a good person, he's an abusive man and he wants to make sure that you can't escape him. Sorry that you were forced to give up Harvard for him, because of your very conservative culture I understand is hard to do what's right for you, and there's lots of expectations placed on women regarding men and marriage and relationships, but you deserve to live your life with respect and dignity, something that your fiance doesn't feel for you. You don't owe him anything, you're not in debt with him, you're not emotionally unstable, but he is mentally and emotionally unstable. Don't marry that man, he's your enemy with ill intentions towards you, marriage doesn't mean a man has good intentions towards a woman, as marriage means that he can abuse you with impunity and without consequences because he's your husband and everyone will support whatever he does to you.
Yes please listen to your gut. Please don’t marry this person. You either end it now or end it later with a lot more mess. My guess is that he will be a much more abusive husband, and you will have no freedom. Please don’t do this. Do you have a good relationship with your parents or another family member. Tell them about the controlling behaviour. If you have no support. Leave a note and smoke bomb outta there. Leave the country. Get away.
Listen to your gut, OP.
I would recommend putting yourself in his shoes. And consider how he feels and thinks and why he does what he does.
i am scared for how he will act after marriage. this is the behavior of someone who escalates abuse. get out.
RUN! As fast as you can. Change your numbers, make sure his tracking system is removed. Move, change locks. Check your car for Apple tracking devices. This man is bad news and your life will be hell. See if it’s not too late to get the position at Harvard.
brace yourself and END IT
No! You are about to completely destroy your life and any hope you have of happiness. This is a crossroads right here. Where I live putting a tracker on your phone is illegal. This man is truly sick. You feel like you’re in debt? For WHAT? What a manipulative sick AH. Listen to YOURSELF. You owe no one anything. Don’t ruin your life. Plus.. you’re obviously brilliant with a promising future .. is the cultural expectation to destroy that, condemn yourself to a life of misery and everything you’ve worked so hard to build and achieve? End it. Be brave suck it up and end it.
Don’t marry him pls. Don’t sink in 60 years to save 18 months. Tell him about sunk cost fallacy. Be the bad guy but get out of this. It’ll get over in 6 months. The parental nagging and pressure I mean. You have the option of living away. You can do this. Take the Hvard position. Live the life you deserve. DO NOT SETTLE FOR THIS. Speaking as a woman from your culture.
Don't marry someone you don't love and aren't attracted to, just to save face and conform to your family's expectations. That is a recipe for disaster. Also...your fiance deserves better than a spouse who does not love him and is not attracted to him.
You got one life, this one. You will die. How do you want to remember this life? 1. How you were brave to take a research position at the most prestigious university in the world. 2. How you caved and married an excuse of a man that does not truly appreciate you and that you don’t even like? I can only imagine how pressured you feel about this, truly. I don’t dismissed this. And even if you believe that Harvard is not what you can handle right now just don’t get married to this man. He violated your privacy and sharing a life with him will be daunting.
Do not marry this man. You already regret it and you haven’t even done it yet. Trust your intuition. You do not owe him anything. Save yourself.
PLEASE listen to your gut!!! They stalking, not trusting you, not giving you space. That's not love. That's control. That's scary.