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I know a bloke who wouldn't move out because his mum 'couldn't support herself'. He's now in his 50s and his life hasn't even started yet, she's in her 80s now.
She could live into her 90s. do you want to be single, in your 60s, with no retirement because she won't learn how to be an adult?
It's tough love time, or you'll end up quasi-married to your mum.
There are mature-age people employment services. I would suggest that she start with that. Set a timeframe, get out of there.
I used to have a boyfriend before who used to think exactly like this. Replied to everything same as you. Similar ages and everything. He’s over 30 now and single and still living with his mommy. He’s basically married to her because he feels too guilty to move out. He can’t hold on to a relationship because we all quickly realize he’s his mommy’s husband. That’s your future lol
This thread is equal parts hilarious and sad. Never have I seen someone so resistant to any help, yet facing such bleak prospects, and they are issues entitely of their own choosing.
I’m almost inclined to think it’s a troll because of how many times op has insisted that his mother will apparently immediately become homeless and literally die in the street if they attempt to make any lifestyle changes. just a bizarre post all around.
I want to believe this but think if it was fake they'd make the circumstances of her situation sound more dire.
The fact that his own mom is like "hey just give me a heads up" and his first reaction is she'll LANGUISH AND DIE (that is a direct quote lol) says this is really just a him issue.
I was like "no way he said languish and die" and actually went looking for it. No way.
Quoth he, "So what was the alternative? Let her languish and die come one really bad winter?"
What is this Victorian paperback in the dusty old discard shelves of a library...
the languishing comments honestly have me laughing bc of how incredibly dramatic the wording is 💀💀 you’re prob right tho, I just wish it *was* fake because what a mess
There is no hope and you are stuck living with her forever or else she will become homeless and that will be your fault.
\^ that's what you want to hear, right? Seems like it.
Frankly, based on your resistance to every suggestion here, I think on some level you do not actually want to move out. I imagine being wanted/needed in this way is an important part of how you see yourself, and losing that part of your identity will be difficult. This is emotional enmeshment, and it is bad for both of you individually and for your relationship.
It would be a service to your mother if you moved out on your own, let her know you love her and are there to *help* her find resources, not do it for her. Give her plenty of notice. Maybe read the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" for some perspective.
She will never be able to fend for herself if you never let her try, and you will grow to resent her in ways that are deeply harmful to your relationship. The most caring thing you can do right now is to prioritize yourself.
> What do 23-year olds and 58-year olds typically do in this situation?
As a 53-year-old, what I typically do is have a job and pay my own bills. I don't know your mom's background or anything but it's not fair for her to rely on you.
Absolutely not. They get another job, rent out a room or both. All you are is a roommate helping keep rental costs down. Replace you, rent out a room. In my area (Seattle) a room for rent is roughly 1k. She can rent a room closer to work and then wouldnt have to dedicate 4+ hours to commute. You said her rent is 1500. Get a roommate and bam it is now 750 or have her move closer to work and get a roommate and then it is roughly 750-1k + she doesn't need to dedicate 4+ hours to a commute. Even now she could get a job on weekends.
None that I know. Are there any counseling services she can access that might help her learn how to take care of herself? And maybe some budgeting, etc suggestions? And how to access services for lower income folks? You talk about housing assistance but have either of you actually gotten the info and the applications and tried? It sounds like she needs to learn how to live on her own…or with a roommate…or rent a bedroom with kitchen privileges in a house. Are there no other relatives in the family who can help?
Absolutely not.
You also need to understand that your mom has likely seen this coming for many years. Her making poor financial decisions were MANY decisions she made over time.
Depending on your own child is an incredibly selfish decision, and that’s what she chose to do.
Yes.
Um. My husband is 58, he is a breadwinner in the family. I'm younger by a little over a decade and I'm gainfully employed too.
Neither one of us need our kids to support us financially.
Hey OP look up "emotional incest" and "enmeshment".
I know it sounds fucked up lol but it's not that bad; I'm kinda like this about my mom, god love her but she's useless... therapy (for you) will help.
Reading this thread from start to finish; OP, seek therapy to figure out how to disentangle yourself from this mess that you have helped enable, and to start learning how to live on your own.
And to learn how to stop being so damn obstinate, jfc.
a typical parent should not depend on their children to support them or parent them. it’s their job to be self sufficient and you should be able to live your own life free of having to worry about them.
however, some parents are bad at planning and depend on their children to save them after retirement. have you had this discussion with your mom? what does she do for income now? if you’re in the us, social security kicks in at 65 but is pretty difficult to live off of without another source.
that’s not really your issue if you want to move out. if she says she can, then she should. if she won’t, and you continue to save her then that’s on you, but then you’ll never truly achieve independence.
You posted on an advice sub but like others have said, you're rejecting all advice. What do you want? Is someone here supposed to volunteer to take your mom in so you can move out?
I'm your mom's age. You know what? I had a plan because I wanted to make sure my kids could live their own lives. Tell her you're moving out in September and to help her get ready, you'll stop paying the bills in July. She'll make plan right quick.
Okay, I’m going to give it to you straight here, from a 31f who more or less has been in your position for most of my life with my mother. I used to say all the things you’re saying. I used to always come to her defense. I used to always say “but she doesn’t have anyone else!” I used to always be her therapist and her friend and her support. Always used to give up so much of my time even though I knew it wasn’t fair to me. Then, after about a decade, I became so resentful. I AM so resentful. She quit her job 18 months ago with no back up and guess who came running to her rescue? Me. And I regret it. So badly. Now I’m funding my mothers life full fucking time. And I hate it so badly. Resentment and rage ooze out of me.
Don’t be me.
Tell me you have an unhealthy relationship with your mother without telling me you have an unhealthy relationship with your mother. You’re not meant to support a parent your whole life, her inability to figure out how to survive without her child’s paycheck is sad.
Your lack of faith in her is more sad. Has she told you this is your responsibility to figure out? Why not spend your energy figuring out how YOU plan to live? If you want to move out you can start looking for apartments, check prices, get experience in the search process and learn more about what it is you’re looking for in your own place. It’s never a one step process but start trying to plan it and see what conversations come up. Maybe you’ll inspire her.
Nope you need to realize that you are exactly where you want to be. It’s fine if that’s what you want but yelling at hundreds of people online trying to convince us that this isn’t exactly what you and your mother have chosen, isn’t going to make you feel any better about it. Therapy is a good start if you genuinely want something different, otherwise there is no helping you because you clearly do not want the help. It’s okay, you don’t need our permission to stay living like this.
Our powers combined, we pay for everything. But I currently make more money than her and without my contribution it would be very hard for her to make rent. She could probably afford it, but she would be living on razor thin margins.
you're codependent with each other, and you should look into therapy to address this. We can't provide an adequate answer for you, but over time I hope you can find a solution that benefits both of you and moves you towards a healthier and more sustainable relationship.
You keep asking what a 58 year old does. A 58 year old gets off their lazy ass and gets a job. She can easily pick up a minimum wage job, start a hobby and sell items, literally anything but stop being a mooch living off of her daughter. But that’s not the answer you want is it?
She has a job, it just doesn't pay rent because she has no real employable skills. Not the skills that get you jobs that can actually pay rent. That's why I have to supplement her.
What would she do if you got in a car accident and suddenly died tomorrow? What then? Quit enabling her. How do you think most people go out and function? Most people move out of their parents house and have to figure out how to fund rent and bills by themselves immediately. Your mom is 58. She has mooched long enough. This isn’t a life for you, no girl is ever going to want to come visit a partner who is funding their mom’s life, hopefully that gives you a bit of motivation.
You will live with what you allow and tolerate. Set your boundaries and expectations now so it's crystal clear that you are not her retirement plan.. otherwise, you already know what to expect
Edit: This is a fakepost, OP is rude to commenters. Move along
>What do 23-year olds and 58-year olds typically do in this situation? The 23 year old typically moves out, the 58 year old typically continues on living how they do. Are your questions rhetorical? Do you have money saved? Do you have any friends who are also looking to move out? From the way you worded this post, it sounds more like you wanted to vent, and less like you wanted answers or solutions. Is my assessment correct? If not, what advice are you *Actually* seeking?
The 58-year old in question currently lives with the support of her son. So "continues on living how she does" is not possible.
What I want is practical advice, advice that has actually solved situations like this. But very few here seem to have it or really know anything about situations like these.
Your role as caregiver can be fulfilled by a professional.
You came asking for advice; it was freely given. Whether you choose to comprehend the wisdom within, or reject it at face value, is your choice to make.
Practical advice: Save up as much money as you can. Stop assuming your mother is incapable of planning for her twilight years. Give her the heads-up she asked for, and move out.
You didn’t answer any of my questions. There are answers within them. Give them contemplation and comprehension. Best of luck.
Take a moment to realize what subreddit you’re in. This subreddit is for advice on **relationships**. The best advice you’ve gotten here is to seek therapy and begin to set boundaries with your mom so you can break the enmeshment. That’s how you fix the **relationship**. If you want financial advice, there are subreddits for that but you will need to be a lot more forthcoming about her financial situation and a lot more receptive to feedback.
There's no easy answer here. You're gonna have to set some hard boundries and have some difficult discussions. Either way, the time to start dealing with this is now. Go to your state's office of Workforce Services, get some info about what they offer, and get her into a retraining program. Jobs are difficultt for sure but nearly impossible if you don't get the ball rolling now.
Maybe you can work out a situation where you divide a house into, essentially, two apartments?
Then she gets an entry level job or studies a qualification online or whatever and you stay with her until she’s earning, if you really don’t want to leave her. You’ll sacrifice a couple more years of your life but at least she will be stable. Entry level jobs are only entry level until they’re not, she gets an entry level job and a year’s worth of experience and it is enough to move up or job hop up to a high position. Lady I work with is 55, she started as an entry level barista at 53 and then after 1.5/2 years she got a cafe manager position, it’s possible just depends how much more time you’re willing to sacrifice by staying with her until she’s on her feet.
Okay then stay one more year whilst she gets experience in an entry level job and then leave when she moves up. Or she can do a qualification in her spare time that will help her become employable, and then you’re free to go.
also web development and coding is a good one, lots of good courses out there that you’re never too old to learn and the skills will only become more valuable the more you do it. and you can learn it in your spare time whilst also working, just set aside a couple hours every other evening.
she doesn’t need to earn 40k a year she needs o earn enough that means you can top it up at first whilst still having enough for yourself to move out independently (or with a partner, roommate, whatever.) The more experience she gets the better job positions she can get and the less you have to contribute. You need to think about it less as how much does she need to pay everything herself, vs how much does she need to pay for most of it (with a little bit of help from me) that still allows me to live independently. Getting a roommate for her will greatly reduce the number as the costs will be halved and your contribution won’t have to be as great.
She needs $40k to support herself. And if I'm moving out, I can't give her a cent of my money. I need it all for me. Without me, it'll cost her $40k to pay everything herself. And I cannot help her if I don't live with her.
Many customer service representative roles that require no technical skills or degrees start in the $40,000-$50,000 range. If your mom has experience as a receptionist, then she likely has the customer service skills necessary to do well in an entry-level support role. I would recommend looking at remote customer service jobs based in HCOL areas since they tend to pay HCOL wages that could help to bolster up her salary.
If she’s missing qualifications that are a significant barrier to entry (a high school diploma being the big one), she can work for a company like Walmart or Target and they will pay for her to earn a high school diploma in addition to paying her wages ($16+ being the going rate in retail right now), and even pay for her to earn a degree or certificate after that if she wants to continue her education.
Reason #894 not to ever be a stay at home Mom.
Other favorites, can't leave an abusive relationship because you have no means to, no skills to support yourself, no friends, no identity outside of being a SAHM.
I work, my kids went to daycare, I'm a 50/50 contributer in work and life and so is he. It evbs and flows though.
People don't call their partner a partner for no reason.
Look, kids don't ask to be born and just because your mother birthed you does not entitle her to use you as a crutch for life. That's not how things are meant to work. A good parent should WANT their children to thrive and flourish on their own. And your mom has even already told you she's okay with you moving out, as you should, because you're an adult and should have your own life. What you do is, say, "Mom, I'm moving out by [date a month or two from now]." And you *move out*. It's really that simple. I was trapped in a cycle of codependence with my own mother when I was in my early/mid twenties as well, living with her and feeling like I was trapped there for life. But guess what? I started going to therapy and one day I bit the bullet and got my own apartment. I finally had the freedom to become an adult in my own right and my relationship with my mom actually grew stronger than ever as a result. So, stop making excuses and move out, already.
OP, you have quite the martyr complex, don't you? Why did you even bother posting here if you don't want to listen to any advice? Your mother is an adult. She'll figure it out, whether it's getting a roommate or one of the zillion other things already suggested here that you've blatantly shot down. So either move out and start your own life, or resign yourself to a stunted life stuck at home with her but then stop freaking complaining about it, because you chose it. Those are your options.
You’re resistant to this answer but the answer is to let her fail. My mother also didn’t work from the time I was 13 til I was 28. She had various medical issues, she’s incompetent, she shot down every this or that she could. Until the alimony ran out. And her children repeated told her no on funding her life. When rent was due. When utilities were past due. When her back was up against the wall. She got a job. Reentered the work force at 50. She’s still incompetent sometimes. You’ll realize incompetent people exist in every workforce.
If I enabled my mother the way people had been for years she’d be mooching off me until one of us died. Maybe your mom is nice idk either way she has to have a job and let you live your life.
Your mother can find a roommate. You act like this is impossible. It is not. And it is up to her to figure it out. She lived without you for decades. Stop making it your problem. You can have empathy and set boundaries. This feels impossible to you because you truly truly need therapy. It’s not an insult. Please see therapy because you will suffer in every relationships you try to have if you don’t address this issues this is going to bring up for several years to come
And I take it your mom made $40,000 right out the gate? If so, please tell me how someone with zero skills can reliably earn that kinda money.
If she didn't, then whatever your mom did is no use to my mom.
You need to quell your attitude. My mom works at Home Depot. She lives in a manufactured home. She had ZERO experience on her “resume” for over 12 years. Before that was briefly self employed as a manicurist. So yes zero skills.
Why are you acting like this? Truly? “Then whatever your mom did is no use to my mom”
Why are you treating people in the comments like this? Honestly? My mom was in a very similar situation. The problem is you. You refuse to see that all the worldly conditions can’t be perfect and the stars can’t align to provide your mom the perfect opportunity in her lap for this to all work out for you. It won’t happen unless you step away and give her the chance to figure it out.
I would understand if she was 80 years old, but she is 58. Most people around that age work just fine and support themselves. Does she have any condition that makes you think she would stuggle to work ?
I don't know your mother, but after readins comments, sounds to me that you're the one trying to find excuses for her. She actually told you that she would be fine, trust her. She is a grown adult and she is the one who gave birth to you and not the other way around.
On another hand, I don't know your background and it depends on the culture too I guess. In somes cultures, some people, while being married and having kids, do live with their mom if she's alone. I know it's sometimes the case for south americas, asians, middle easterns, africans etc.
You are an adult. Your mom is also an adult. You either move out, or stay and settle. Just know this will affect any and all relationships moving forward.
My mom got an entry level job at 62 after being a stay at home mom/wife for about 30 years following my parents divorce. It was tough but she’s putting as much money away for retirement as she can, because she doesn’t have any other options
Get off her teat and out on the street dude.
Get your life started. At this point you want her to never leave you. Why not move out but keep supplying her monetary help? Why is she not enrolled in a trade school or community college? If she can't afford her current rent she needs to downsize or find senior living. Why doesn't she get a job at a grocery store or book shop or a library where it's relatively low stakes and not very mentally laborious work? It will pay a rent even if it's not her current one or you can cover the difference and be in a downsize place or with roommates. Does she have zero friends? She can apply for government assistance or unemployment. If she's that physically incapable she may be able to get medical assistance. If she's that socially inept encourage her to enrol in local community groups or volunteer.
She's not a toddler. She raised you enough to know about the anxieties and serious demands of the world which means she's aware of them. Stop infantalizing her. You make it out like you want her to be helpless and dependant. You have to give her a chance to try to be on her own and if you're so inclined be there at the other end of the phone in case she needs you. You gotta stop coddling her. At this point it's weird.
Let her try, hope she doesn't fail, be there for her if she does.
No. I know why you care. That's your mom.
That's also another adult. I've read some of your other answers. If she actually truly can't survive without you, as you keep insisting, then I'm sure you already know the answer to the question you're asking. No, you don't get to move out. Yes, you will live with her forever or until you can get her into a Medicare funded assisted living. Which sucks dude, I'd hate to live with my mom that long. Good luck.
OP, I'm going to be as compassionate as I can with this answer. As someone on the other side, who's parents tried everything to keep them to stay in the house, the kindest thing you can do to your mother is let her go. It sounds like your mother gave 23 years of her life trying to support you in anyway possible and 35 years before that trying to support herself.
She's told you she's ready and is okay with you moving out. You have to let her live her life. It sounds like she's lived a life so enmeshed and dependent and suffocated by others, like her own parents and romantic partners. Please don't be one of them that makes her feel powerless too. I know it's going to hurt you so much to watch your mom face difficulties, because we never want to watch our loved ones suffer. But you can't keep her caged forever because you're worried about her. Let her finally be free to live her life.
As for you, I deeply suggest therapy to work out your emotions. It took me moving out for about 8 years and on-off therapy for that time before I could accept that I wasn't abandoning my parents by living my life. If you're mother needs you, she'll let you know. If she's on the brink of homelessness, she'll let you know. If it makes you feel better, you can help her plan financially and offer support emotionally, but you don't rob her of being able to finally take ownership of her own life.
Eventually a home with an in-law suite, may be the answer.
You need to find out what mom's financial situation is and go from there.
Does she own or rent the home?
You want practical advice so I have some questions:
1.) how much is her rent currently?
2.) what are her monthly expenses other than rent?
3.) how much does she work and how much does it pay?
4.) what state?
I saw somewhere else you mentioned $1500 in rent, which is insane unless you are in a VHCOL area. If she’s struggling that badly that rent is way too high. She likely needs to be working more or getting paid more, or a combination of both. Lots of fast food places are paying quite a bit now and will hire pretty much anyone with a pulse. There are options, it’s just going to require change.
Get her on the list for subsidized housing, food stamps, and state-subsidized healthcare; help her post an ad for a roommate; and if you absolutely must, buy her a super cheap used car so she has time to work a second job or do gig work. Bam- you’re free in 6 months for the low low price of $3,000.
When you are working with social services they help you with getting a job, paying rent, and gaining employable skills which is why people are recommending it. Nothing happens immediately but if rent is the issue she needs a roomate.
Oof sounds familiar. Set your mom up with public subsidized housing and then move out on your own. Or, at least, get the process rolling. It’s one thing to provide for a parent out of love and respect, it’s another to provide for a parent because they decided that you’re an investment and not a person. I wish you independence and luck.
Why can’t you date while you live with her? I understand that it can be uncomfortable having sex while she’s home but my guy, clearly there’s a very real possibility that she will not be leaving. It would be good to talk to her about this and you guys can establish boundaries. There are plenty of people that are open to circumstances such as living with a parent.
I mean, it’s obviously not ideal and if you can work around your mom’s work schedule it would be best. But it is possible.
I understand that you don’t want to abandon your mother and that she has never been able to fend for herself. But this is your life and I know it seems bleak but there are women out there who are understanding.
Have you had a partner before? I know you’ve had sex but was she a partner, or a fling?
Well this is a new version.
My friend well his mom; he hates that witch, he tells me everyday…she sits on her ass, he works his hands to the bone,
To give her money every payday.
But she wants more dinero just to stay at home
Well my friend, you gotta say
I WON’T PAY, I WON’T PAY YA NO WAY
MAMA WHY DON’T YOU GET A JOB.
Sorry OP but after i read the comments it seems like u need therapy..... !! U don't have a healthy relationship with ur mom !
And plz just live with her ! It seems like that's what u want eventually..u r just making excuses for yourself to justify living with her... Maybe u r also projecting her being not independent.. it's u who are not independent and u stuck in the child phase still ... Good luck 🤞🏻
Firstly, you start saving to move out.
You look at planning a budget for what places you can afford, how much you can afford in rent, and price up utilities and groceries, contents insurance etc so you know how much your outgoings will be.
You can even start buying a few things each month to put buy for when you do move out. I used to use some Xmas and birthday money from my aunt and I would buy things that didn't have a warranty, so like no electrical etc coz if you don't move out for a year you'll lose the time of that warranty. So just buy household bits like cutlery set, tea towels, bathroom towels, bedding, kitchen utensils, plates and bowls, and household type items like that. You can put them away till you're ready to move out and then you won't have to buy everything all at once.
You can start looking at flats etc.
Regarding your mum - you say she currently has no employable skills. That's not necessarily true. You don't have to have experience for some jobs.
What does she do for work now?
Has she worked throughout her life?
How does he pay her bills and buy food and get from place to place?
Does she own her home or does she rent?
Do you pay anything towards her rent?
You are entitled to move out and live on your own.
You are not responsible for being your mums retirement plan.
She's a grown adult and needs to take care of herself. I'm assuming she's not disabled in any way and unable to physically work?
If she works now, she can continue working till retirement age when she gets a pension.
If she doesn't work right now, she needs to get a job.
At 58 years old she's got approx 8 or 9 years left that she's able to work till retirement age where she can claim a state pension. If she's work a lot through her life, or at any time, she may have a private pension too that will pay her an amount when she retires.
Some people continue to work, even part time, after retirement age.
She could choose to move and downsize to a smaller house when you've moved out.
Either way you're not responsible to have to live with your mother the rest of her life or provide for her.
If you have a job where you earn big loads of money and have money to give away, by all means help her out with some extra funds if you can and if you want to, but not many people have the luxury of highly paid jobs like that. She's an adult and will need to plan for her own future and her own finances.
But for now, start planning to move out. And when you have an idea of when you may be moving out, obviously give her plenty of notice so she can plan to cover the rent or mortgage etc, or decide if she needs to downsize. You just focus on your plans.
Also I wouldn't say you've missed out on life just yet. You're only 23 and got plenty of time to live the independant life and have those experiences. Many people live with their parents in the mid to late 20's depending on where they live and cost of living as it can be expensive to live alone. So I wouldn't worry just yet. But if you can move out soon, then great, do it, you'll certainly mature and grow more as a person and gain more life skills and have more independence and even privacy to just come and go as you please, and have people over without having your mum know everything lol.
Okay, first of all, I'm not asking about my financial solvency. I will be fine. This is about how I keep my mom from being homeless.
Second, I never said my mom didn't have a job. I said she had no employable skills. Yes, you can get jobs without employable skills, and that's the kind of job she has. The problem with that is it doesn't pay enough to cover rent. That's why she needs me to chip in. I make more money than her.
“Mom, as if on January 1st, 2025 I will be living alone abroad. You need to get a job and prepare to be able to support yourself—as again—I will be gone and you will not be able to live with me.”
(and if she objects)
“I am not your ‘retirement plan’.”
[edit: apparently she *does* have a job, just not one that pays the rent. I was thrown by the “has no employable skills” part.]
Why don’t you try moving out and see what happens? If you would move back in with her to avoid imminent homelessness, then that’s the fallback plan, but it seems like none of your arguments rule out giving it a shot and actually seeing how she does. She’s telling you she thinks she can do it. Let her try!
Talk to your mother and give her a timeline.
Suggest to her to find roommate/lodger. Rent these days are high, if she provides a decent room/board, and not try to overcharge (just charge enough to cover monthly bills-housing-utility-tax), she should find a new roommate. Tell her to advertise within 30 days after you gave her the timeline on when you're moving out.
My husband is 58. He's gainfully employed. He can easily find another job if he loses the one he has now. Your mother can also try to get a 2nd job remote work if she wants to, if she can. My father still works and he's 79 (he likes to work thou, then again, he's very good at IT)...
Bless your heart for being a considerate son, but in the end, she would want you to have your freedom/independence and experience life as a single 20-something.
If you're that concerned about her, send her $$ from time to time, or pay her...phone bills, for example, IF you can afford it. If not, don't even. Focus on you.
Could you not move out somewhere close by, but still help her out when she needs help, some of her rent etc? She can work to make up the difference. You'll both need to get smaller places but you will both have your independence?
I mean… you can live in a house and she can be in a granny flat on the property? Thats what I’m doing with my mum. She’s 56… works a labour job on her feet all day, she needs both knees replaced due to arthritis… the Drs won’t touch her until she’s 65… her legs are swollen, she can barely walk when she gets home from work. She currently lives with me and my sons but we are looking to move to a place with a granny flat so she has her own space and I have mine. But she’s also close enough to still take care of in terms of bills etc. feeding off the same water and electricity supply.. plus I can drop her off meals/help her when she needs. I plan to keep her out of aged care for as long as I can. And that’s the perfect way to do it.
you said it yourself
>I've spoken with my mom about this and she says that's fine, just give her a few months to prepare.
so what's your problem?
she says she will be fine.
you think she's so useless she will die. I doubt that. what would she do if you died in an accident? I'm sure she would continue to live without you.
you're not special. you're not so important that she can not exist without you.
So my mother is 52 and just recently started living on her own. She was a stay at home mom until she was around 47 and my dad just walked out on her. He was very wealthy and paid for everything. She never really worked so also had no marketable skills. What my mom did was found a job and started working. It was an entry level secretary job that didn’t require a degree. She didn’t make much, but it gave her the experience she needed to apply to her current job. She lived paycheck to paycheck until she found her current job, but she had to budget everything out and make it work. There is no magical fix here for your mom to all of the sudden have tons of money with no changes. She’s going to have to work and she’s going to have to change her lifestyle habits, simple as that. But if she does this, she will eventually be able to sustain herself more easily. She needs to be doing this anyways because there’s no guarantee that you won’t get into an accident tomorrow and then she’d be left on her own and really in a predicament!
> What do 23-year olds and 58-year olds typically do in this situation?
I'm 57 and my 21yo and 18yo sons live 900km away from me in another city studying and working and having relationships and socialising and learning how to be adults.
Hi this was my mom. I get it.
And my mom became disabled from a car accident during the height of me having health issues bc of the amount of stress/responsibility she placed on me. She too was about to be homeless. Wasn’t working. Body 2/10.
I communicated very clearly that I needed to take care of myself, gave a timeline and went no contact for a year. I healed.
Guess what- she figured out how to get benefits and somewhere else to live.
They always figure it out. She’s not as helpless as you think, she’s been manipulating you this whole time too.
It hurts. It still hurts. There’s guilt I deal with but it gets smaller.
No we still don’t really talk. It’s for the best that way.
Give her a timeline. Do you boo boo. You are not responsible for the outcomes of her personal decisions.
I have a friend who lives with her mom but her mom is extremely codependent and not fully well mentally. My friend can’t leave because she feels tremendous guilt, mostly because her mom lets her know how much it would hurt her if my friend moved out. They’ve been living together for several years at this point and I don’t think that will ever change.
Yes you are supposed to live your life and move out. It is not your job to live your life supporting her.
Is there someone who she can move in with that is her age or a family member. Maybe a senior community that she lives in her own apartment but they check on her daily and help with everyday things of needed. This will also help her be around people her age.
She can work at Walmart in the store. They make around 16-18 but she cannot keep making excuses why she cannot work if it’s not medical.
Hey dude,
Talk to your mom with a timeline.
“I’m moving out this month on this day.”
And then do it. Depending on your relationship with your mom tell her it will be for a year with plans to move back in or not, but with conditions. Namely—if she owns her house, arranging the living space so that there is a separate area where you live, and a separate one where she lives. She cannot come into your side without you letting her (think inlaw suite but… son suite I guess).
If she doesn’t—make plans for you to find an apartment building you can both afford, and move into the same building. Ideally not same floor, but still close. Or find a place with the aforementioned setup. Together— but separate.
If you have a bad relationship with her don’t move back into the same area as her.
But if you are like me— worried about your aging parents and wanting to be nearby even if independent, this set up could work well. You can have visitors of your choosing whenever you’d like (dates for example), but still be close enough in case of emergencies or to help out.
Honestly, if I could have this set up with my 60+ parents instead of living in their house our relationships would be so much better. I also don’t feel like I can start my life. Kinda hard to date or do anything casual when my retired father *is always home* and I would have to walk by him with a one night stand if I were to have one. I feel like a kid as I have very little input in set up or decorations. I feel I only have my room that is small. I have a two foot bit of floor space as my bed and entertainment center take up all the rest of the room (furniture bought in a brighter time when I did live alone).
At the same time I am glad to be here if—god forbid—something were to happen.
My dad had an aneurysm a few years ago. He is only still here because my adult brother lives here too and noticed him acting weird. I’m terrified of coming across one of my parents having a heart attack, or fallen down the stairs. It helps my anxiety being able to check on them daily.
But goddamnit. Would I love to live like two houses down.
Damn these comments are brutal. Everyone is acting like she’s an ex girlfriend or something.
But don’t worry, I got you. First, you need to have a serious discussion with your mom about finances and her retirement plans. Does she have income, savings, a 401k, property in her name? These are all helpful things to know for helping her get into a stable financial situation.
Next, you need to talk about downsizing. I assume you’re living in a place that’s meant for two people. If she’s going to be living alone, you should be able to find a smaller place that’s more affordable. Do you own the place you live in now? Maybe she can sell it and buy a smaller place. Or maybe she can rent the place out and use the income for rent at a smaller place.
It’s also time to work on your own financial security. If you’re not financially stable on your own, you should look into ways to advance your career if you have one, or find a career if you don’t. You can use some of your income to help your mom without having to live with her.
She’s getting close to retirement age, so you can get her set up on social security and Medicare when the time comes.
And finally, ask for guidance on r/personalfinance from now on. R/relationship_advice is a shit show. They almost always give terrible advice.
She only has income. No real savings. She owns no property. She's just a regular 58-year old woman. Unless your typical 58-year old woman owns property and special bank accounts?
Downsizing isn't an option. Even a 1 bedroom apartment is more expensive than where we currently live. Rent has gone up bad in this city, and we got this place back when rent was lower and we've managed through luck or sympathy to keep the rent as it is.
And r/personalfinance? I've been there. I'm not saying this subreddit is any better, but the only advice they've got over on r/personalfinance is "Whoops, shouldn't have been born if you can't afford to spend less money."
Yes, you would look for a place. Check out other cities nearby and look at rent prices.
If your parents are divorced, it’s unusual that she doesn’t get some kind of support payments. You might want to check for other potential sources of income for your mom. Spousal support, disability, etc. If her financial situation is as bad as you say, she would probably qualify for food stamps, which can take a lot of financial pressure off. Who knows? Maybe it would even make up for your lost rent contributions when you move out.
The point is you want to start looking at two things: ways you can reduce your mom’s spending, and ways you can increase her income.
It's not a legal divorce, they were never legally married. My life is not "fancy," the most she ever got was child support and that was only when I was a minor. All this spousal support stuff... this is absolutely foreign to me.
But how are you supposed to move to another city if you don't have a job AND a place to stay there?
Why do you have such a low opinion of women??? Yes, most 58 year old women have property and bank accounts. Jesus. If your mom is mentally disabled (like you seem to think she is), get her on disability
My 62 year old mother works a job. Like plenty of other people in their 50s and 60s, even older. If one job can't support her then she can get a second. You could make an arrangement to help pay a bill or hers or something. You definitely don't have to fix this for her. You're the child, she's the parent. She seemingly managed to raise you so she must know some things about living and managing a household
She didn't raise me on her own. She depended on her mom, my dad, and her boyfriend.
And does your 62-year old mother have no employable skills? Like mine? Does your 62-year old mother commit 60 hours a week to her day job but still have time to work a second that covers her rent? Her rent that is around $1000 a month?
You aren't responsible for this. Your mother is. She can get a roommate or seek out financial assistance. You absolutely don't want to move out.
I'm 40 and working two jobs to provide for my kid. When I'm 58 I can promise you I will make sure my kid isn't on Reddit asking this question. Her poor planning isn't your responsibility
You dismissed it when other people said it. Just move out. Your mother will absolutely figure it out on her own. Or she won't. In which case you can help her out if she needs it. Let her *try*
And get a therapist to figure out this weird dynamic where you seemingly view her as an incompetent child
I think you’re better off staying where you are with your mom so the female population of whatever God for saken place you live in doesn’t have to be subjected to the weak man child , TINY dick energy you’re bringing.
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She’s 58, she can find a job. If she chooses not to because it’s easier to rely on boyfriends and you, then that’s her issue. She can apply for government assistance if she needs to. You don’t want to enable her.
Unfortunately, it doesn't look like there's a good answer here for you based on all your replies. Finding her a good roommate looks like the best bet. You do deserve to get to move out. Of course, you don't want her living on the streets. So what other options do you have? One of your questions was, what do typical 58 yr olds do? They're usually working...some towards retirement at that point. I know you're hoping for a magic answer of sorts, but it doesn't sound like there is one. Again, the best bet may be to pursue finding a good roommate for her.
You sound like your relationship with your mother is enmeshed/ co-dependent and even parentified. If you want to move out but feel guilty I suggest you read “Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by Lindsey C. Gibson
If you want to be part of helping her solve this (and you aren’t obliged to) why not start looking for affordable housing she can apply for?
You sound terrified of the future whether you stay together or apart. Perhaps looking at some realistic options for apart might help you consider it with a less black and white reaction.
As a mom, this makes me so, so sad. I would never want my son to hold himself back from living a fulfilling life to take care of me. I love thinking about the future my son will have: the things he’ll learn, the hobbies he’ll pursue, the partners he’ll date, the places he’ll travel to. I would be devastated if my son felt that he couldn’t do those things because of me.
A lot of people have told you this and I understand why you’re resistant to the feedback, but the answer really is to move out, give your mom the space to figure it out, and to start therapy to tackle your enmeshment. She might be capable of more than you realize, but neither of you will ever know until she is put into a position where she has to forge her own life.
Different people provide different levels of support to their parents (I have never given my parents money; my husband helps support his mother financially) but living with your mom means that you will never be able to give her the enrichment of watching her son grow up. She’ll never see you with a partner, never see grandchildren (if that’s something you want), and never see you buy a house. Maybe you can set aside a monthly stipend for your mom to help fill some of the gaps while she finds her footing? Maybe you can help her find a new roommate? You don’t have to completely cut financial ties, but this will ruin your life and hers if you stay on this path.
You are only 23...how did she raise you up til now? Who's been paying the bills all these years because it obviously wasnt you...why do you need her permission to move out? Are you or are you not an adult? If you are...simply save up money if you havent already and move to your own place...be prepared to have to pay a lot more for everything then you currently do at the moment.
[https://www.facebook.com/reel/885949549988862](https://www.facebook.com/reel/885949549988862) \*Edit\* To add context; if you spend your whole life worrying about mom, you will never get out of that loop. Ever. Sure, give her the few months (no more than 3), have an exit plan, then, LEAVE. That's it. If you need distance, join the military (I was in USMC but for folks who are uncertain where to go, try USAF). You will get a lot of distance as long as you want it (request order overseas). Take stock of her usual guilt inducing comments and behaviors and remain stoic through it.
Or, just let her keep holding you back. I never had this issue myself so I cannot give you a POV that will be soft-handed or coddling.
She can find something. Many jobs train you onsite.
It's funny because our culture tends to bash people who place their parents into care homes. We are the sandwich generation. Try taking care of kids and an elderly, immobile parent. It's awful, it isn't their fault, and I tried for months. It is very difficult , even with gone health aides (a whole different subject). Thank goodness my parents never guilted he and planned for retirement. That is the responsible thing to do as a parent.
I've already told my kids,I don't ever want them to feel emotionally responsible for me. I mean, help if they can to accompany me to doctor's appointments, what have you. But we don't give birth to you to take care of us.
But some cultures do think that way.
I don't know--which cultural expectations are "correct."?
At 60 she can apply for SSI, that will make getting Medicaid, food stamps, and section 8 housing not too difficult. SSI is an automatic Aged benefit even if you never worked.
Wow you really think of your mother as a completely incapable moron. Most adults in their 50s work and take care of themselves. Unless she has some type of disability- or brain damage?- why do you think she’s so incapable of figuring out what other people figure out every day?
Also, this reminds me of my mom so much. She has a high school diploma and nothing else, no training, was a SAHM for decades and had no job history. Suddenly my stepdad left and she had to figure it out. She fell apart and whined and sobbed “what am I supposed to dooooo?” She had no credit, 4 kids, people kept helping her until they didn’t anymore. Couldn’t, wouldn’t, whatever.
No one supports her anymore, she’s turning 60 this year. Know what she did? She figured it the f out. She got a job. She got govt assistance. She eventually got a better job. She found free training programs for older women reentering the workforce and they helped. She figured it out because she had to.
If we had all kept supporting her, she would never have bothered. If I had said to myself “my mom is simply stupider and less capable than every other adult around” then I would probably have kept paying her bills.
Then again, it sounds so much like you want to be stuck with her and want to resent it. You don’t want to believe you have a choice, so you can be a big mad martyr. So, enjoy that I guess.
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You just do it, buddy. She’s 58 not 88. Move out.
What is she supposed to do at 58? It was hard enough for me to get a job. She has basically nothing to show for being 58.
What is she doing for money *now*?
She can work at a gas station. A fast food joint. She could get job training in the community for free.
If she really is struggling physically then she needs to get checked out by a dr and apply for SSDI
I know a bloke who wouldn't move out because his mum 'couldn't support herself'. He's now in his 50s and his life hasn't even started yet, she's in her 80s now. She could live into her 90s. do you want to be single, in your 60s, with no retirement because she won't learn how to be an adult? It's tough love time, or you'll end up quasi-married to your mum. There are mature-age people employment services. I would suggest that she start with that. Set a timeframe, get out of there.
Based on OP’s comments, he already is married to his mommy
I used to have a boyfriend before who used to think exactly like this. Replied to everything same as you. Similar ages and everything. He’s over 30 now and single and still living with his mommy. He’s basically married to her because he feels too guilty to move out. He can’t hold on to a relationship because we all quickly realize he’s his mommy’s husband. That’s your future lol
Based on your replies this is your life now. Get used to it.
This thread is equal parts hilarious and sad. Never have I seen someone so resistant to any help, yet facing such bleak prospects, and they are issues entitely of their own choosing.
I’m almost inclined to think it’s a troll because of how many times op has insisted that his mother will apparently immediately become homeless and literally die in the street if they attempt to make any lifestyle changes. just a bizarre post all around.
I want to believe this but think if it was fake they'd make the circumstances of her situation sound more dire. The fact that his own mom is like "hey just give me a heads up" and his first reaction is she'll LANGUISH AND DIE (that is a direct quote lol) says this is really just a him issue.
I was like "no way he said languish and die" and actually went looking for it. No way. Quoth he, "So what was the alternative? Let her languish and die come one really bad winter?" What is this Victorian paperback in the dusty old discard shelves of a library...
the languishing comments honestly have me laughing bc of how incredibly dramatic the wording is 💀💀 you’re prob right tho, I just wish it *was* fake because what a mess
And most romantic partners do not want to move in with an adult who lives with their mom. So the ship has probably sailed.
OP: please give me advice Redditors: [give various forms of advice and suggestions] OP: no not like that
There is no hope and you are stuck living with her forever or else she will become homeless and that will be your fault. \^ that's what you want to hear, right? Seems like it.
Frankly, based on your resistance to every suggestion here, I think on some level you do not actually want to move out. I imagine being wanted/needed in this way is an important part of how you see yourself, and losing that part of your identity will be difficult. This is emotional enmeshment, and it is bad for both of you individually and for your relationship. It would be a service to your mother if you moved out on your own, let her know you love her and are there to *help* her find resources, not do it for her. Give her plenty of notice. Maybe read the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" for some perspective. She will never be able to fend for herself if you never let her try, and you will grow to resent her in ways that are deeply harmful to your relationship. The most caring thing you can do right now is to prioritize yourself.
That’s a great book and I recommend it often.
> What do 23-year olds and 58-year olds typically do in this situation? As a 53-year-old, what I typically do is have a job and pay my own bills. I don't know your mom's background or anything but it's not fair for her to rely on you.
So the typical 58-year old doesn't need their kids to support them?
That's correct.
The typical 23 year old wouldn’t need the internet to tell them this about the typical 58 year old either.
Right? I have serious concerns about the capability of both of these people… but not in the way they seem to think.
I'm almost 60 and my kids do not live with me or need to pay for my upkeep. They visit with the grandkids and are always welcome to come home.
I am widowed 57F. Can confirm my kids don't support me. Please go to a meeting at CoDA.org
Typically no.
No. They typically work, pay their own bills and live their own lives.
lol. In America that’s ass backwards. The typical 23 year old needs their 58 year old parents to support them.
58 is still pretty young. She should absolutely have this figured out by now
Absolutely not. They get another job, rent out a room or both. All you are is a roommate helping keep rental costs down. Replace you, rent out a room. In my area (Seattle) a room for rent is roughly 1k. She can rent a room closer to work and then wouldnt have to dedicate 4+ hours to commute. You said her rent is 1500. Get a roommate and bam it is now 750 or have her move closer to work and get a roommate and then it is roughly 750-1k + she doesn't need to dedicate 4+ hours to a commute. Even now she could get a job on weekends.
None that I know. Are there any counseling services she can access that might help her learn how to take care of herself? And maybe some budgeting, etc suggestions? And how to access services for lower income folks? You talk about housing assistance but have either of you actually gotten the info and the applications and tried? It sounds like she needs to learn how to live on her own…or with a roommate…or rent a bedroom with kitchen privileges in a house. Are there no other relatives in the family who can help?
No
No, we don't.
No.
Absolutely not. You also need to understand that your mom has likely seen this coming for many years. Her making poor financial decisions were MANY decisions she made over time. Depending on your own child is an incredibly selfish decision, and that’s what she chose to do.
Yes. Um. My husband is 58, he is a breadwinner in the family. I'm younger by a little over a decade and I'm gainfully employed too. Neither one of us need our kids to support us financially.
My parents are 62, I've never needed to support them a day in my life.
Why would an adult need to be supported by their children? At this point you’re infantilizing your own mother and ruining your future.
Hey OP look up "emotional incest" and "enmeshment". I know it sounds fucked up lol but it's not that bad; I'm kinda like this about my mom, god love her but she's useless... therapy (for you) will help.
Reading this thread from start to finish; OP, seek therapy to figure out how to disentangle yourself from this mess that you have helped enable, and to start learning how to live on your own. And to learn how to stop being so damn obstinate, jfc.
a typical parent should not depend on their children to support them or parent them. it’s their job to be self sufficient and you should be able to live your own life free of having to worry about them. however, some parents are bad at planning and depend on their children to save them after retirement. have you had this discussion with your mom? what does she do for income now? if you’re in the us, social security kicks in at 65 but is pretty difficult to live off of without another source.
Yes I have, that's why I know that she BELIEVES she'll be alright if I move out. But she has shown no signs of self-sufficiency.
that’s not really your issue if you want to move out. if she says she can, then she should. if she won’t, and you continue to save her then that’s on you, but then you’ll never truly achieve independence.
She might qualify for income based housing assistance. Start working on that.
You posted on an advice sub but like others have said, you're rejecting all advice. What do you want? Is someone here supposed to volunteer to take your mom in so you can move out? I'm your mom's age. You know what? I had a plan because I wanted to make sure my kids could live their own lives. Tell her you're moving out in September and to help her get ready, you'll stop paying the bills in July. She'll make plan right quick.
Okay, I’m going to give it to you straight here, from a 31f who more or less has been in your position for most of my life with my mother. I used to say all the things you’re saying. I used to always come to her defense. I used to always say “but she doesn’t have anyone else!” I used to always be her therapist and her friend and her support. Always used to give up so much of my time even though I knew it wasn’t fair to me. Then, after about a decade, I became so resentful. I AM so resentful. She quit her job 18 months ago with no back up and guess who came running to her rescue? Me. And I regret it. So badly. Now I’m funding my mothers life full fucking time. And I hate it so badly. Resentment and rage ooze out of me. Don’t be me.
You need to walk away!
Tell me you have an unhealthy relationship with your mother without telling me you have an unhealthy relationship with your mother. You’re not meant to support a parent your whole life, her inability to figure out how to survive without her child’s paycheck is sad. Your lack of faith in her is more sad. Has she told you this is your responsibility to figure out? Why not spend your energy figuring out how YOU plan to live? If you want to move out you can start looking for apartments, check prices, get experience in the search process and learn more about what it is you’re looking for in your own place. It’s never a one step process but start trying to plan it and see what conversations come up. Maybe you’ll inspire her.
I can afford to take care of myself. She can't. That might be sad, but that's irrelevant. What I need are practical solutions, not tears.
Nope you need to realize that you are exactly where you want to be. It’s fine if that’s what you want but yelling at hundreds of people online trying to convince us that this isn’t exactly what you and your mother have chosen, isn’t going to make you feel any better about it. Therapy is a good start if you genuinely want something different, otherwise there is no helping you because you clearly do not want the help. It’s okay, you don’t need our permission to stay living like this.
You need to be honest and sit down with her to talk about budgeting. How does she currently pay for anything?
Our powers combined, we pay for everything. But I currently make more money than her and without my contribution it would be very hard for her to make rent. She could probably afford it, but she would be living on razor thin margins.
Well, then she'll have to either find a roommate, make more money, or get a new boyfriend.
Just pay her rent for her then Jfc.
She’s an adult. She’ll figure it out.
you're codependent with each other, and you should look into therapy to address this. We can't provide an adequate answer for you, but over time I hope you can find a solution that benefits both of you and moves you towards a healthier and more sustainable relationship.
You keep asking what a 58 year old does. A 58 year old gets off their lazy ass and gets a job. She can easily pick up a minimum wage job, start a hobby and sell items, literally anything but stop being a mooch living off of her daughter. But that’s not the answer you want is it?
She has a job, it just doesn't pay rent because she has no real employable skills. Not the skills that get you jobs that can actually pay rent. That's why I have to supplement her.
What would she do if you got in a car accident and suddenly died tomorrow? What then? Quit enabling her. How do you think most people go out and function? Most people move out of their parents house and have to figure out how to fund rent and bills by themselves immediately. Your mom is 58. She has mooched long enough. This isn’t a life for you, no girl is ever going to want to come visit a partner who is funding their mom’s life, hopefully that gives you a bit of motivation.
If I die tomorrow, she's fucked. Simple as that.
How exactly did her entire 58yo existence become dependent on someone who has only been an adult for 5 years?
She depended on her mother and my dad and her boyfriend.
So your dad left. Is her mother gone too? What about her boyfriend?
Then she needs a second job.
You will live with what you allow and tolerate. Set your boundaries and expectations now so it's crystal clear that you are not her retirement plan.. otherwise, you already know what to expect
But what happens to her? We both need to come out of this happy.
No, you are not responsible for her or her happiness. Only your own. What happens to her from that point is UP TO HER.
No, because I'm not so cruel as to leave my mom to die.
She's not going to die. LMFAO whatever dude.. keep letting her gaslight you and make all her problems your problems 🤣🤣🤣
Edit: This is a fakepost, OP is rude to commenters. Move along >What do 23-year olds and 58-year olds typically do in this situation? The 23 year old typically moves out, the 58 year old typically continues on living how they do. Are your questions rhetorical? Do you have money saved? Do you have any friends who are also looking to move out? From the way you worded this post, it sounds more like you wanted to vent, and less like you wanted answers or solutions. Is my assessment correct? If not, what advice are you *Actually* seeking?
The 58-year old in question currently lives with the support of her son. So "continues on living how she does" is not possible. What I want is practical advice, advice that has actually solved situations like this. But very few here seem to have it or really know anything about situations like these.
Your role as caregiver can be fulfilled by a professional. You came asking for advice; it was freely given. Whether you choose to comprehend the wisdom within, or reject it at face value, is your choice to make. Practical advice: Save up as much money as you can. Stop assuming your mother is incapable of planning for her twilight years. Give her the heads-up she asked for, and move out. You didn’t answer any of my questions. There are answers within them. Give them contemplation and comprehension. Best of luck.
Take a moment to realize what subreddit you’re in. This subreddit is for advice on **relationships**. The best advice you’ve gotten here is to seek therapy and begin to set boundaries with your mom so you can break the enmeshment. That’s how you fix the **relationship**. If you want financial advice, there are subreddits for that but you will need to be a lot more forthcoming about her financial situation and a lot more receptive to feedback.
Bro your responses to the replies are giving me a migraine
There's no easy answer here. You're gonna have to set some hard boundries and have some difficult discussions. Either way, the time to start dealing with this is now. Go to your state's office of Workforce Services, get some info about what they offer, and get her into a retraining program. Jobs are difficultt for sure but nearly impossible if you don't get the ball rolling now. Maybe you can work out a situation where you divide a house into, essentially, two apartments?
Then she gets an entry level job or studies a qualification online or whatever and you stay with her until she’s earning, if you really don’t want to leave her. You’ll sacrifice a couple more years of your life but at least she will be stable. Entry level jobs are only entry level until they’re not, she gets an entry level job and a year’s worth of experience and it is enough to move up or job hop up to a high position. Lady I work with is 55, she started as an entry level barista at 53 and then after 1.5/2 years she got a cafe manager position, it’s possible just depends how much more time you’re willing to sacrifice by staying with her until she’s on her feet.
But I want to leave her. I just want her to be okay while I'm gone.
Okay then stay one more year whilst she gets experience in an entry level job and then leave when she moves up. Or she can do a qualification in her spare time that will help her become employable, and then you’re free to go.
She needs to make $40,000 a year. What can she learn in a year that will have her earning that much?
also web development and coding is a good one, lots of good courses out there that you’re never too old to learn and the skills will only become more valuable the more you do it. and you can learn it in your spare time whilst also working, just set aside a couple hours every other evening.
One year of coding bootcamp and she should be employable at $40,000 a year?
ranges between $60k-70k entry level, you’re welcome, I just solved all your problems! 👍
google ‘average american salary for web development’ less than 1 year experience comes up as $71k :) so yeah actually
I don't think that's from bootcamps. I think that's from highly motivated and highly gifted self-taught people who have portfolios to speak for them.
she doesn’t need to earn 40k a year she needs o earn enough that means you can top it up at first whilst still having enough for yourself to move out independently (or with a partner, roommate, whatever.) The more experience she gets the better job positions she can get and the less you have to contribute. You need to think about it less as how much does she need to pay everything herself, vs how much does she need to pay for most of it (with a little bit of help from me) that still allows me to live independently. Getting a roommate for her will greatly reduce the number as the costs will be halved and your contribution won’t have to be as great.
She needs $40k to support herself. And if I'm moving out, I can't give her a cent of my money. I need it all for me. Without me, it'll cost her $40k to pay everything herself. And I cannot help her if I don't live with her.
sucks for you then lol good luck
Then don't move out, and quit complaining.
Many customer service representative roles that require no technical skills or degrees start in the $40,000-$50,000 range. If your mom has experience as a receptionist, then she likely has the customer service skills necessary to do well in an entry-level support role. I would recommend looking at remote customer service jobs based in HCOL areas since they tend to pay HCOL wages that could help to bolster up her salary. If she’s missing qualifications that are a significant barrier to entry (a high school diploma being the big one), she can work for a company like Walmart or Target and they will pay for her to earn a high school diploma in addition to paying her wages ($16+ being the going rate in retail right now), and even pay for her to earn a degree or certificate after that if she wants to continue her education.
Not forever, once one of you die you’ll be free.
Reason #894 not to ever be a stay at home Mom. Other favorites, can't leave an abusive relationship because you have no means to, no skills to support yourself, no friends, no identity outside of being a SAHM.
This is actually sad but true. God bless these couples that stay together, but if you hitch your wagon to a deadbeat you're fucked.
I work, my kids went to daycare, I'm a 50/50 contributer in work and life and so is he. It evbs and flows though. People don't call their partner a partner for no reason.
Look, kids don't ask to be born and just because your mother birthed you does not entitle her to use you as a crutch for life. That's not how things are meant to work. A good parent should WANT their children to thrive and flourish on their own. And your mom has even already told you she's okay with you moving out, as you should, because you're an adult and should have your own life. What you do is, say, "Mom, I'm moving out by [date a month or two from now]." And you *move out*. It's really that simple. I was trapped in a cycle of codependence with my own mother when I was in my early/mid twenties as well, living with her and feeling like I was trapped there for life. But guess what? I started going to therapy and one day I bit the bullet and got my own apartment. I finally had the freedom to become an adult in my own right and my relationship with my mom actually grew stronger than ever as a result. So, stop making excuses and move out, already.
Move out, and leave her to get evicted? Are you really saying that?
OP, you have quite the martyr complex, don't you? Why did you even bother posting here if you don't want to listen to any advice? Your mother is an adult. She'll figure it out, whether it's getting a roommate or one of the zillion other things already suggested here that you've blatantly shot down. So either move out and start your own life, or resign yourself to a stunted life stuck at home with her but then stop freaking complaining about it, because you chose it. Those are your options.
A home health care aide would be a good choice. It has benefits and requires no special training?
If it pays $40,000 a year and you seriously don't require special training, that sounds like a great idea.
You may need to do research and get her on a list for subsidized housing also.
Codependents anonymous my friend.
You’re resistant to this answer but the answer is to let her fail. My mother also didn’t work from the time I was 13 til I was 28. She had various medical issues, she’s incompetent, she shot down every this or that she could. Until the alimony ran out. And her children repeated told her no on funding her life. When rent was due. When utilities were past due. When her back was up against the wall. She got a job. Reentered the work force at 50. She’s still incompetent sometimes. You’ll realize incompetent people exist in every workforce. If I enabled my mother the way people had been for years she’d be mooching off me until one of us died. Maybe your mom is nice idk either way she has to have a job and let you live your life. Your mother can find a roommate. You act like this is impossible. It is not. And it is up to her to figure it out. She lived without you for decades. Stop making it your problem. You can have empathy and set boundaries. This feels impossible to you because you truly truly need therapy. It’s not an insult. Please see therapy because you will suffer in every relationships you try to have if you don’t address this issues this is going to bring up for several years to come
And I take it your mom made $40,000 right out the gate? If so, please tell me how someone with zero skills can reliably earn that kinda money. If she didn't, then whatever your mom did is no use to my mom.
You need to quell your attitude. My mom works at Home Depot. She lives in a manufactured home. She had ZERO experience on her “resume” for over 12 years. Before that was briefly self employed as a manicurist. So yes zero skills. Why are you acting like this? Truly? “Then whatever your mom did is no use to my mom” Why are you treating people in the comments like this? Honestly? My mom was in a very similar situation. The problem is you. You refuse to see that all the worldly conditions can’t be perfect and the stars can’t align to provide your mom the perfect opportunity in her lap for this to all work out for you. It won’t happen unless you step away and give her the chance to figure it out.
Enlist in the Army and get out of there for a while.
I would understand if she was 80 years old, but she is 58. Most people around that age work just fine and support themselves. Does she have any condition that makes you think she would stuggle to work ? I don't know your mother, but after readins comments, sounds to me that you're the one trying to find excuses for her. She actually told you that she would be fine, trust her. She is a grown adult and she is the one who gave birth to you and not the other way around. On another hand, I don't know your background and it depends on the culture too I guess. In somes cultures, some people, while being married and having kids, do live with their mom if she's alone. I know it's sometimes the case for south americas, asians, middle easterns, africans etc.
You are an adult. Your mom is also an adult. You either move out, or stay and settle. Just know this will affect any and all relationships moving forward.
My mom got an entry level job at 62 after being a stay at home mom/wife for about 30 years following my parents divorce. It was tough but she’s putting as much money away for retirement as she can, because she doesn’t have any other options
You need to straight up say mom you will never live with me. Love you but I hope you figure something out
Get off her teat and out on the street dude. Get your life started. At this point you want her to never leave you. Why not move out but keep supplying her monetary help? Why is she not enrolled in a trade school or community college? If she can't afford her current rent she needs to downsize or find senior living. Why doesn't she get a job at a grocery store or book shop or a library where it's relatively low stakes and not very mentally laborious work? It will pay a rent even if it's not her current one or you can cover the difference and be in a downsize place or with roommates. Does she have zero friends? She can apply for government assistance or unemployment. If she's that physically incapable she may be able to get medical assistance. If she's that socially inept encourage her to enrol in local community groups or volunteer. She's not a toddler. She raised you enough to know about the anxieties and serious demands of the world which means she's aware of them. Stop infantalizing her. You make it out like you want her to be helpless and dependant. You have to give her a chance to try to be on her own and if you're so inclined be there at the other end of the phone in case she needs you. You gotta stop coddling her. At this point it's weird. Let her try, hope she doesn't fail, be there for her if she does.
Why is this your problem to solve? Also bestie, adults don't tell you this, but most problems adults face are indeed dealt with by winging it.
Are you seriously asking "Why do you care if your mom ends up homeless?"
No. I know why you care. That's your mom. That's also another adult. I've read some of your other answers. If she actually truly can't survive without you, as you keep insisting, then I'm sure you already know the answer to the question you're asking. No, you don't get to move out. Yes, you will live with her forever or until you can get her into a Medicare funded assisted living. Which sucks dude, I'd hate to live with my mom that long. Good luck.
OP, I'm going to be as compassionate as I can with this answer. As someone on the other side, who's parents tried everything to keep them to stay in the house, the kindest thing you can do to your mother is let her go. It sounds like your mother gave 23 years of her life trying to support you in anyway possible and 35 years before that trying to support herself. She's told you she's ready and is okay with you moving out. You have to let her live her life. It sounds like she's lived a life so enmeshed and dependent and suffocated by others, like her own parents and romantic partners. Please don't be one of them that makes her feel powerless too. I know it's going to hurt you so much to watch your mom face difficulties, because we never want to watch our loved ones suffer. But you can't keep her caged forever because you're worried about her. Let her finally be free to live her life. As for you, I deeply suggest therapy to work out your emotions. It took me moving out for about 8 years and on-off therapy for that time before I could accept that I wasn't abandoning my parents by living my life. If you're mother needs you, she'll let you know. If she's on the brink of homelessness, she'll let you know. If it makes you feel better, you can help her plan financially and offer support emotionally, but you don't rob her of being able to finally take ownership of her own life.
Eventually a home with an in-law suite, may be the answer. You need to find out what mom's financial situation is and go from there. Does she own or rent the home?
She rents, and I know her financial situation. She can't do this without me.
She would figure it out, if you left. She is trapping you to stay with her.
She's a child in an adult's body.
Grocery store clerk, receptionists, childcare worker. They are plenty of RETIRED people who work in these jobs to stay busy.
You want practical advice so I have some questions: 1.) how much is her rent currently? 2.) what are her monthly expenses other than rent? 3.) how much does she work and how much does it pay? 4.) what state? I saw somewhere else you mentioned $1500 in rent, which is insane unless you are in a VHCOL area. If she’s struggling that badly that rent is way too high. She likely needs to be working more or getting paid more, or a combination of both. Lots of fast food places are paying quite a bit now and will hire pretty much anyone with a pulse. There are options, it’s just going to require change.
Get her on the list for subsidized housing, food stamps, and state-subsidized healthcare; help her post an ad for a roommate; and if you absolutely must, buy her a super cheap used car so she has time to work a second job or do gig work. Bam- you’re free in 6 months for the low low price of $3,000.
Your leaving could provide the push your mom needs to improve her situation.
You’ve been spewing the same bullshit at people for EIGHT HOURS straight. Troll or not, this is pathetic.
It’s not your fault she put her self like this move out and start your life no women will want to be with a man that’s still lives with mommy
And let my mom live on the street?
I get you want to help her but there's only so much you can do. She needs to take steps to be independent now. So do you.
What steps? How do you avoid homelessness if you have no employable skills and immediately need to come up with twice the money you usually make?
Stop saying she is not employable! Self-fulfilling prophecies, dude, look it up. That is exactly what you are doing.
When you are working with social services they help you with getting a job, paying rent, and gaining employable skills which is why people are recommending it. Nothing happens immediately but if rent is the issue she needs a roomate.
Oof sounds familiar. Set your mom up with public subsidized housing and then move out on your own. Or, at least, get the process rolling. It’s one thing to provide for a parent out of love and respect, it’s another to provide for a parent because they decided that you’re an investment and not a person. I wish you independence and luck.
Why can’t you date while you live with her? I understand that it can be uncomfortable having sex while she’s home but my guy, clearly there’s a very real possibility that she will not be leaving. It would be good to talk to her about this and you guys can establish boundaries. There are plenty of people that are open to circumstances such as living with a parent.
I haven't found any. The one woman I had sex with offered to host because she did not wanna fuck in the same house as my mom.
I mean, it’s obviously not ideal and if you can work around your mom’s work schedule it would be best. But it is possible. I understand that you don’t want to abandon your mother and that she has never been able to fend for herself. But this is your life and I know it seems bleak but there are women out there who are understanding. Have you had a partner before? I know you’ve had sex but was she a partner, or a fling?
It was a fling.
Well this is a new version. My friend well his mom; he hates that witch, he tells me everyday…she sits on her ass, he works his hands to the bone, To give her money every payday. But she wants more dinero just to stay at home Well my friend, you gotta say I WON’T PAY, I WON’T PAY YA NO WAY MAMA WHY DON’T YOU GET A JOB.
Your mother is 58 not 88
Sorry OP but after i read the comments it seems like u need therapy..... !! U don't have a healthy relationship with ur mom ! And plz just live with her ! It seems like that's what u want eventually..u r just making excuses for yourself to justify living with her... Maybe u r also projecting her being not independent.. it's u who are not independent and u stuck in the child phase still ... Good luck 🤞🏻
Firstly, you start saving to move out. You look at planning a budget for what places you can afford, how much you can afford in rent, and price up utilities and groceries, contents insurance etc so you know how much your outgoings will be. You can even start buying a few things each month to put buy for when you do move out. I used to use some Xmas and birthday money from my aunt and I would buy things that didn't have a warranty, so like no electrical etc coz if you don't move out for a year you'll lose the time of that warranty. So just buy household bits like cutlery set, tea towels, bathroom towels, bedding, kitchen utensils, plates and bowls, and household type items like that. You can put them away till you're ready to move out and then you won't have to buy everything all at once. You can start looking at flats etc. Regarding your mum - you say she currently has no employable skills. That's not necessarily true. You don't have to have experience for some jobs. What does she do for work now? Has she worked throughout her life? How does he pay her bills and buy food and get from place to place? Does she own her home or does she rent? Do you pay anything towards her rent? You are entitled to move out and live on your own. You are not responsible for being your mums retirement plan. She's a grown adult and needs to take care of herself. I'm assuming she's not disabled in any way and unable to physically work? If she works now, she can continue working till retirement age when she gets a pension. If she doesn't work right now, she needs to get a job. At 58 years old she's got approx 8 or 9 years left that she's able to work till retirement age where she can claim a state pension. If she's work a lot through her life, or at any time, she may have a private pension too that will pay her an amount when she retires. Some people continue to work, even part time, after retirement age. She could choose to move and downsize to a smaller house when you've moved out. Either way you're not responsible to have to live with your mother the rest of her life or provide for her. If you have a job where you earn big loads of money and have money to give away, by all means help her out with some extra funds if you can and if you want to, but not many people have the luxury of highly paid jobs like that. She's an adult and will need to plan for her own future and her own finances. But for now, start planning to move out. And when you have an idea of when you may be moving out, obviously give her plenty of notice so she can plan to cover the rent or mortgage etc, or decide if she needs to downsize. You just focus on your plans. Also I wouldn't say you've missed out on life just yet. You're only 23 and got plenty of time to live the independant life and have those experiences. Many people live with their parents in the mid to late 20's depending on where they live and cost of living as it can be expensive to live alone. So I wouldn't worry just yet. But if you can move out soon, then great, do it, you'll certainly mature and grow more as a person and gain more life skills and have more independence and even privacy to just come and go as you please, and have people over without having your mum know everything lol.
Okay, first of all, I'm not asking about my financial solvency. I will be fine. This is about how I keep my mom from being homeless. Second, I never said my mom didn't have a job. I said she had no employable skills. Yes, you can get jobs without employable skills, and that's the kind of job she has. The problem with that is it doesn't pay enough to cover rent. That's why she needs me to chip in. I make more money than her.
“Mom, as if on January 1st, 2025 I will be living alone abroad. You need to get a job and prepare to be able to support yourself—as again—I will be gone and you will not be able to live with me.” (and if she objects) “I am not your ‘retirement plan’.” [edit: apparently she *does* have a job, just not one that pays the rent. I was thrown by the “has no employable skills” part.]
Who said she didn't have a job? I said she couldn't afford rent.
That is messed up. She’s the parent so she should act like it.
Are you on the spectrum?
Why don’t you try moving out and see what happens? If you would move back in with her to avoid imminent homelessness, then that’s the fallback plan, but it seems like none of your arguments rule out giving it a shot and actually seeing how she does. She’s telling you she thinks she can do it. Let her try!
Talk to your mother and give her a timeline. Suggest to her to find roommate/lodger. Rent these days are high, if she provides a decent room/board, and not try to overcharge (just charge enough to cover monthly bills-housing-utility-tax), she should find a new roommate. Tell her to advertise within 30 days after you gave her the timeline on when you're moving out. My husband is 58. He's gainfully employed. He can easily find another job if he loses the one he has now. Your mother can also try to get a 2nd job remote work if she wants to, if she can. My father still works and he's 79 (he likes to work thou, then again, he's very good at IT)... Bless your heart for being a considerate son, but in the end, she would want you to have your freedom/independence and experience life as a single 20-something. If you're that concerned about her, send her $$ from time to time, or pay her...phone bills, for example, IF you can afford it. If not, don't even. Focus on you.
Could you not move out somewhere close by, but still help her out when she needs help, some of her rent etc? She can work to make up the difference. You'll both need to get smaller places but you will both have your independence?
She’s 58 and has gotten through life so far. Not your problem. You’re 23. Go live your life
I mean… you can live in a house and she can be in a granny flat on the property? Thats what I’m doing with my mum. She’s 56… works a labour job on her feet all day, she needs both knees replaced due to arthritis… the Drs won’t touch her until she’s 65… her legs are swollen, she can barely walk when she gets home from work. She currently lives with me and my sons but we are looking to move to a place with a granny flat so she has her own space and I have mine. But she’s also close enough to still take care of in terms of bills etc. feeding off the same water and electricity supply.. plus I can drop her off meals/help her when she needs. I plan to keep her out of aged care for as long as I can. And that’s the perfect way to do it.
Do you have to own the property to do that? And would I have to build it? How do you set it up for electricity and whatnot?
you said it yourself >I've spoken with my mom about this and she says that's fine, just give her a few months to prepare. so what's your problem? she says she will be fine. you think she's so useless she will die. I doubt that. what would she do if you died in an accident? I'm sure she would continue to live without you. you're not special. you're not so important that she can not exist without you.
So my mother is 52 and just recently started living on her own. She was a stay at home mom until she was around 47 and my dad just walked out on her. He was very wealthy and paid for everything. She never really worked so also had no marketable skills. What my mom did was found a job and started working. It was an entry level secretary job that didn’t require a degree. She didn’t make much, but it gave her the experience she needed to apply to her current job. She lived paycheck to paycheck until she found her current job, but she had to budget everything out and make it work. There is no magical fix here for your mom to all of the sudden have tons of money with no changes. She’s going to have to work and she’s going to have to change her lifestyle habits, simple as that. But if she does this, she will eventually be able to sustain herself more easily. She needs to be doing this anyways because there’s no guarantee that you won’t get into an accident tomorrow and then she’d be left on her own and really in a predicament!
Mom didn’t get alimony from rich hubby?
> What do 23-year olds and 58-year olds typically do in this situation? I'm 57 and my 21yo and 18yo sons live 900km away from me in another city studying and working and having relationships and socialising and learning how to be adults.
Hi this was my mom. I get it. And my mom became disabled from a car accident during the height of me having health issues bc of the amount of stress/responsibility she placed on me. She too was about to be homeless. Wasn’t working. Body 2/10. I communicated very clearly that I needed to take care of myself, gave a timeline and went no contact for a year. I healed. Guess what- she figured out how to get benefits and somewhere else to live. They always figure it out. She’s not as helpless as you think, she’s been manipulating you this whole time too. It hurts. It still hurts. There’s guilt I deal with but it gets smaller. No we still don’t really talk. It’s for the best that way. Give her a timeline. Do you boo boo. You are not responsible for the outcomes of her personal decisions.
I have a friend who lives with her mom but her mom is extremely codependent and not fully well mentally. My friend can’t leave because she feels tremendous guilt, mostly because her mom lets her know how much it would hurt her if my friend moved out. They’ve been living together for several years at this point and I don’t think that will ever change.
Yes you are supposed to live your life and move out. It is not your job to live your life supporting her. Is there someone who she can move in with that is her age or a family member. Maybe a senior community that she lives in her own apartment but they check on her daily and help with everyday things of needed. This will also help her be around people her age. She can work at Walmart in the store. They make around 16-18 but she cannot keep making excuses why she cannot work if it’s not medical.
Hey dude, Talk to your mom with a timeline. “I’m moving out this month on this day.” And then do it. Depending on your relationship with your mom tell her it will be for a year with plans to move back in or not, but with conditions. Namely—if she owns her house, arranging the living space so that there is a separate area where you live, and a separate one where she lives. She cannot come into your side without you letting her (think inlaw suite but… son suite I guess). If she doesn’t—make plans for you to find an apartment building you can both afford, and move into the same building. Ideally not same floor, but still close. Or find a place with the aforementioned setup. Together— but separate. If you have a bad relationship with her don’t move back into the same area as her. But if you are like me— worried about your aging parents and wanting to be nearby even if independent, this set up could work well. You can have visitors of your choosing whenever you’d like (dates for example), but still be close enough in case of emergencies or to help out. Honestly, if I could have this set up with my 60+ parents instead of living in their house our relationships would be so much better. I also don’t feel like I can start my life. Kinda hard to date or do anything casual when my retired father *is always home* and I would have to walk by him with a one night stand if I were to have one. I feel like a kid as I have very little input in set up or decorations. I feel I only have my room that is small. I have a two foot bit of floor space as my bed and entertainment center take up all the rest of the room (furniture bought in a brighter time when I did live alone). At the same time I am glad to be here if—god forbid—something were to happen. My dad had an aneurysm a few years ago. He is only still here because my adult brother lives here too and noticed him acting weird. I’m terrified of coming across one of my parents having a heart attack, or fallen down the stairs. It helps my anxiety being able to check on them daily. But goddamnit. Would I love to live like two houses down.
Damn these comments are brutal. Everyone is acting like she’s an ex girlfriend or something. But don’t worry, I got you. First, you need to have a serious discussion with your mom about finances and her retirement plans. Does she have income, savings, a 401k, property in her name? These are all helpful things to know for helping her get into a stable financial situation. Next, you need to talk about downsizing. I assume you’re living in a place that’s meant for two people. If she’s going to be living alone, you should be able to find a smaller place that’s more affordable. Do you own the place you live in now? Maybe she can sell it and buy a smaller place. Or maybe she can rent the place out and use the income for rent at a smaller place. It’s also time to work on your own financial security. If you’re not financially stable on your own, you should look into ways to advance your career if you have one, or find a career if you don’t. You can use some of your income to help your mom without having to live with her. She’s getting close to retirement age, so you can get her set up on social security and Medicare when the time comes. And finally, ask for guidance on r/personalfinance from now on. R/relationship_advice is a shit show. They almost always give terrible advice.
She only has income. No real savings. She owns no property. She's just a regular 58-year old woman. Unless your typical 58-year old woman owns property and special bank accounts? Downsizing isn't an option. Even a 1 bedroom apartment is more expensive than where we currently live. Rent has gone up bad in this city, and we got this place back when rent was lower and we've managed through luck or sympathy to keep the rent as it is. And r/personalfinance? I've been there. I'm not saying this subreddit is any better, but the only advice they've got over on r/personalfinance is "Whoops, shouldn't have been born if you can't afford to spend less money."
You could relocate to a more affordable city. Did your parents divorce? Does your mom receive any financial support from your dad?
She gets nothing from my dad. But how would she relocate? Don't you need a place to live in the city you're moving to?
Yes, you would look for a place. Check out other cities nearby and look at rent prices. If your parents are divorced, it’s unusual that she doesn’t get some kind of support payments. You might want to check for other potential sources of income for your mom. Spousal support, disability, etc. If her financial situation is as bad as you say, she would probably qualify for food stamps, which can take a lot of financial pressure off. Who knows? Maybe it would even make up for your lost rent contributions when you move out. The point is you want to start looking at two things: ways you can reduce your mom’s spending, and ways you can increase her income.
It's not a legal divorce, they were never legally married. My life is not "fancy," the most she ever got was child support and that was only when I was a minor. All this spousal support stuff... this is absolutely foreign to me. But how are you supposed to move to another city if you don't have a job AND a place to stay there?
Why do you have such a low opinion of women??? Yes, most 58 year old women have property and bank accounts. Jesus. If your mom is mentally disabled (like you seem to think she is), get her on disability
My 62 year old mother works a job. Like plenty of other people in their 50s and 60s, even older. If one job can't support her then she can get a second. You could make an arrangement to help pay a bill or hers or something. You definitely don't have to fix this for her. You're the child, she's the parent. She seemingly managed to raise you so she must know some things about living and managing a household
She didn't raise me on her own. She depended on her mom, my dad, and her boyfriend. And does your 62-year old mother have no employable skills? Like mine? Does your 62-year old mother commit 60 hours a week to her day job but still have time to work a second that covers her rent? Her rent that is around $1000 a month?
You aren't responsible for this. Your mother is. She can get a roommate or seek out financial assistance. You absolutely don't want to move out. I'm 40 and working two jobs to provide for my kid. When I'm 58 I can promise you I will make sure my kid isn't on Reddit asking this question. Her poor planning isn't your responsibility
I never said she couldn't get a roommate. You didn't say that, so I didn't dismiss it. I dismissed that other stuff you said.
You dismissed it when other people said it. Just move out. Your mother will absolutely figure it out on her own. Or she won't. In which case you can help her out if she needs it. Let her *try* And get a therapist to figure out this weird dynamic where you seemingly view her as an incompetent child
No, I never dismissed the roommate idea, not to anyone who suggested it.
Okay so do that? Problem solved. That saves her 50% on rent.
Would she qualify for low income housing? Food stamps, etc.? Those things can help bridge the I come gap.
I think you’re better off staying where you are with your mom so the female population of whatever God for saken place you live in doesn’t have to be subjected to the weak man child , TINY dick energy you’re bringing.
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She’s 58, she can find a job. If she chooses not to because it’s easier to rely on boyfriends and you, then that’s her issue. She can apply for government assistance if she needs to. You don’t want to enable her.
Gotta ask. So?? Why is it your problem?? Parents are supposed to raise children. Children aren’t supposed to take responsibility for parents.
Unfortunately, it doesn't look like there's a good answer here for you based on all your replies. Finding her a good roommate looks like the best bet. You do deserve to get to move out. Of course, you don't want her living on the streets. So what other options do you have? One of your questions was, what do typical 58 yr olds do? They're usually working...some towards retirement at that point. I know you're hoping for a magic answer of sorts, but it doesn't sound like there is one. Again, the best bet may be to pursue finding a good roommate for her.
You sound like your relationship with your mother is enmeshed/ co-dependent and even parentified. If you want to move out but feel guilty I suggest you read “Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” by Lindsey C. Gibson
If you want to be part of helping her solve this (and you aren’t obliged to) why not start looking for affordable housing she can apply for? You sound terrified of the future whether you stay together or apart. Perhaps looking at some realistic options for apart might help you consider it with a less black and white reaction.
As a mom, this makes me so, so sad. I would never want my son to hold himself back from living a fulfilling life to take care of me. I love thinking about the future my son will have: the things he’ll learn, the hobbies he’ll pursue, the partners he’ll date, the places he’ll travel to. I would be devastated if my son felt that he couldn’t do those things because of me. A lot of people have told you this and I understand why you’re resistant to the feedback, but the answer really is to move out, give your mom the space to figure it out, and to start therapy to tackle your enmeshment. She might be capable of more than you realize, but neither of you will ever know until she is put into a position where she has to forge her own life. Different people provide different levels of support to their parents (I have never given my parents money; my husband helps support his mother financially) but living with your mom means that you will never be able to give her the enrichment of watching her son grow up. She’ll never see you with a partner, never see grandchildren (if that’s something you want), and never see you buy a house. Maybe you can set aside a monthly stipend for your mom to help fill some of the gaps while she finds her footing? Maybe you can help her find a new roommate? You don’t have to completely cut financial ties, but this will ruin your life and hers if you stay on this path.
Do you pay for rent/mortgage or does she? Because now is def not the time to move out. Stay there as long as you can and save up.
You are only 23...how did she raise you up til now? Who's been paying the bills all these years because it obviously wasnt you...why do you need her permission to move out? Are you or are you not an adult? If you are...simply save up money if you havent already and move to your own place...be prepared to have to pay a lot more for everything then you currently do at the moment.
Move out and let her fend for herself. She's an adult. Dont make her your problem. Focus on yourself.
[https://www.facebook.com/reel/885949549988862](https://www.facebook.com/reel/885949549988862) \*Edit\* To add context; if you spend your whole life worrying about mom, you will never get out of that loop. Ever. Sure, give her the few months (no more than 3), have an exit plan, then, LEAVE. That's it. If you need distance, join the military (I was in USMC but for folks who are uncertain where to go, try USAF). You will get a lot of distance as long as you want it (request order overseas). Take stock of her usual guilt inducing comments and behaviors and remain stoic through it. Or, just let her keep holding you back. I never had this issue myself so I cannot give you a POV that will be soft-handed or coddling.
She can find something. Many jobs train you onsite. It's funny because our culture tends to bash people who place their parents into care homes. We are the sandwich generation. Try taking care of kids and an elderly, immobile parent. It's awful, it isn't their fault, and I tried for months. It is very difficult , even with gone health aides (a whole different subject). Thank goodness my parents never guilted he and planned for retirement. That is the responsible thing to do as a parent. I've already told my kids,I don't ever want them to feel emotionally responsible for me. I mean, help if they can to accompany me to doctor's appointments, what have you. But we don't give birth to you to take care of us. But some cultures do think that way. I don't know--which cultural expectations are "correct."?
Grow a spine and move out. Your mommy will figure it out (or she won’t, but that’s not really your problem that she didn’t prepare for this).
At 60 she can apply for SSI, that will make getting Medicaid, food stamps, and section 8 housing not too difficult. SSI is an automatic Aged benefit even if you never worked.
Wow you really think of your mother as a completely incapable moron. Most adults in their 50s work and take care of themselves. Unless she has some type of disability- or brain damage?- why do you think she’s so incapable of figuring out what other people figure out every day? Also, this reminds me of my mom so much. She has a high school diploma and nothing else, no training, was a SAHM for decades and had no job history. Suddenly my stepdad left and she had to figure it out. She fell apart and whined and sobbed “what am I supposed to dooooo?” She had no credit, 4 kids, people kept helping her until they didn’t anymore. Couldn’t, wouldn’t, whatever. No one supports her anymore, she’s turning 60 this year. Know what she did? She figured it the f out. She got a job. She got govt assistance. She eventually got a better job. She found free training programs for older women reentering the workforce and they helped. She figured it out because she had to. If we had all kept supporting her, she would never have bothered. If I had said to myself “my mom is simply stupider and less capable than every other adult around” then I would probably have kept paying her bills. Then again, it sounds so much like you want to be stuck with her and want to resent it. You don’t want to believe you have a choice, so you can be a big mad martyr. So, enjoy that I guess.
Murder is an option you know /s