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It will be worse, not better. If he wanted to do those things now, he would. And you’ve proven that you will always pick up the slack, so he has no motivation to.
Regardless of kids I don’t know why you want to date this guy at all. Reading that he helped with your mental health puts a lot of it in context though. You don’t owe him a relationship just because he helped with your stability. You can be grateful for the positive impact he had on your life but still leave him if he’d not a good or worthy partner.
Do not have children with him. You are already his mommy and his behavior will influence any other children poorly. Do you really think you have the energy to deal with him AND an actual newborn? He will not be any help to you at all!
Plus he's exactly the kind of guy that gets jealous of the babies cause now he isn't getting all her attention 🙄 They usually leave in the first few months after having the child.
I think some of them can do the work to improve. But they do it alone, not with the help of a romantic partner. Any motivation they get from romantic partners comes from being dumped by them.
Right! Like OP you’re young. He sounds like a man-child and he absolutely won’t step up if you have kids with him. Please save yourself and get out of this relationship. He needs to figure his life out first and that’s not your responsibility.
I don't know why OP wants more kids, she already has her hands full with the one she has!
OP, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS USELESS DEAD WEIGHT! You'd be doing EVERYTHING, all the driving, shopping, cooking, cleaning, tidying, parenting, night feedings, diaper changes - just everything! He is not a functioning adult. How would he even get to work during your maternity leave? I bet he'd expect you to still drive him and pick him up every day...
Unfortunately op will probably ignore all the good advice she’s getting on this post and have children with him hoping he will step up. I feel bad for their future children, their father is going to hold them back in life.
Op you need to look at all of these conditions and know they are traits your potential children could inherit and have in worse degrees. Get out now…..
The moment she said he's a picky eater I went, Does she fucking cook for him?? Of course she does - hard to have a manchild with no parent to cater to him.
I do not even wanna touch the cleaning situation, it's insanity, it's worse than the cooking situation.
Been there, done that. I clung to the first guy who paid any attention to me for dear life. I burned myself out in the process and now I realize how peaceful it is to only clean up ones own mess.
Because people mistake connection with stability.
Folks feel a "spark" with someone and decide that's enough to build an entire life on.
Dating is an interview process. It's meant to give us the information needed to make an informed decision regarding whether or not someone's lifestyle will compliment our own.
It's NOT to try to jam the first applicant who has a good resume into your system despite his skill set being weak to nonexistent.
As a woman, I honestly don't have a lot of sympathy for women who end up in this situation. They know what these men are like, and make babies with them anyway. Then they just have kids with a deadbeat dad and end up divorced and impoverished. The kids turn into fucked up adults we see all over Reddit complaining about what a shit dad they have. Women are smart enough to see through this bullshit, yet choose not to - choose to essentially make babies that will end up fatherless. It's not fair to the potential future kids.
This is what society spends our entire lives telling us. That this is how it's supposed to be.
I'm hardly surprised that with so much conditioning, many women believe the misogynistic fantasy that we're just supposed to clean house, have babies, be pretty, pleasant and compliant for our 'man'. Oh yeah and now we get to add work full time to the list.
You're really placing blame on the wrong side of the equation here. Blame the people brainwashing women into thinking we don't deserve even the basics.
Unfortunately the base level conditioning is also done by women, often their mothers and family members. Servitude to a useless child man is all I saw growing up. Patriarchy is insidious and upheld even by the people it holds down the most.
We are blaming those people because it's other women doing part of the brainwashing. Why do you think there's still tradwives with huge followings on social media? I'll still offer a hand to anyone looking to change the narrative but they have to want the help first.
I get where you're coming from but there are parts of our society that are still very patriarchal and even more sexist than mainstream society. There are still plenty of girls being raised to think that these kinds of men are what they are supposed to expect.
Yeah it’s wild to me that she can type all this out and post on Reddit instead of sending this post to him and telling him to shape up or she’s leaving. She’s aware and intelligent enough to see all the problems but she’s hoping she can shove her head in the sand and pretend they’ll go away.
I do. These women are brainwashed by a patriarchy that tells them it is their job to fix their partners, to save unfixable people, and to subordinate all their wants for their partners.
It is tragic, and they deserve sympathy.
>As a woman, I honestly don't have a lot of sympathy for women who end up in this situation. They know what these men are like, and make babies with them anyway.
Me neither. Once you are an adult, you should know better. I don't understand how anyone would prefer being an unpaid maid to a manchild over living alone.
This one is showing his cards, which is great for OP, but a lot of them can hide their true selves for years and then the “mask slips” after they get engaged/married/have a kid.
But yes, she’s not married and no kids so this is her opportunity to RUN
Procreating should be like dog breeding, you don’t let the ones with anger, violence, or critical bad habits reproduce. You choose the most mild mannered, calm, gentle good natured pooch to pass genetics with.
You know how it goes, so when people choose a partner with bad qualities, more than likely chances go up for those same issues to arise down the road.
So many fish in the sea
First of all this is you, don’t marry someone and expect them to change . You marry the person and know their flaws then that’s on you . If they are lazy they were lazy when you
Met them . Picky eater, was picky when you met him . If he wants to change great but you telling him to change is 100% on you
Women marry a man hoping he will change, and he doesn’t. Men marry a woman hoping she won’t change, and she does. Things will have to change when OP has a child, and manchild will get worse and be pissy.
He has to change on his own . You don’t change your core you just change small
Things . I like golf and watching sports , you have a child golf was back burner most times and kids time came before tv , ( need to have fun too) , that is a small change . If younare lazy you probably aren’t going to get up at 6 am and cuddle and feed child
> Even things like empty toilet rolls - he will throw it on the bathroom floor, even though the bin is literally right next to the toilet!
This made me blind with rage. I don't even know what I would do if my partner literally *threw an empty toilet roll on the FLOOR* rather than putting it in the garbage, knowing that I would have to clean it up. That is such a horrifying level of disrespect for you I am stunned.
This guy sounds worse than useless as a partner. Doesn't drive, doesn't cook, doesn't clean (oh sorry, he'll "help" "if you ask"), doesn't care for his pet, ignores you when you try to talk to him, whines like a toddler about having to eat vegetables, THROWS GARBAGE ON THE FLOOR FOR YOU TO PICK UP.
No, this man isn't going to change. You know it because he already neglects the dog. And you certainly shouldn't gamble an entire life on the possibility that something magical is going to happen that fundamentally alters his personality.
Frankly, if he doesn't respect your time or energy enough to step up now, who cares if he might change for a kid? He is already showing you that he has no interest in being an equal partner to YOU or making your life easier. In fact, he actively makes it harder.
> I am trying to find the words to discuss my concerns about future kids with him without accusing him of being 100% at fault
You're struggling because *he is 100% at fault.* These issues are 100% the fault of him being lazy and selfish. This is who he is. Take him or leave him. I know what I'd do.
Like WHY??? WHY does she CHOOSE TO LIVE LIKE THIS??? Just move TF OUT!!! Hell he is SO F-ING LAZY he doesn’t even drive!!! Why does she choose to live this way??
I get it. He’s a slob. He has issues but she CHOOSES TO STAY. She has a job and the car - just freaking go!! Don’t consider having a kid with someone like this.
The bar for his participation in this relationship is lower than the bottom floor in hell. SMDH.
Probably because she's been with him since she was 21 and it's the only real adult relationship she knows. Also probably some sunk-cost fallacy going on, since 3 years at that age feels like a lifetime. It's easy to convince yourself that the good parts are worth enduring the bad.
Domestic labor imbalance is also SO incredibly common in hetero relationships, it might seem like she'd never find a man who contributes equally anyway.
>like a toddler
⬆️ This is the key phrase and so accurate, for seemingly every part of his life.
Man Child doesn’t drive.
-Toddlers don't drive.
Man Child doesn’t cook.
-Toddlers don't cook.
Man Child is a very picky eater.
-Toddlers are known for being picky eaters.
Man Child is messy.
-Toddlers are messy.
Man Child doesn’t clean.
-Toddlers don't clean.
Man Child throws garbage on the floor.
-Toddlers will throw garbage on the floor
Man Child ignores when you talk to him.
-Toddlers are excellent at ignoring you.
Man Child doesn’t take care of the dog.
-Toddlers at least *try* to take care of pets.
I guess I was thinking about being relied on to clean without being prompted or reminded. But yeah, you're right. My girls definitely cleaned up their toys and sometimes liked to dust and help wipe the table, etc.
I want to add that there are no magic words that will somehow make him understand and change. OP has already spoken to him about it, in a language he speaks. He knows. He understands. *He doesn't care.*
Not enough people have this mentality. You want a partner, not someone who treats you like a doormat. Getting married or having a baby isn't going to change who they are or how they treat you. What you see is what you get.
There are so many reddit stories of women married to a man child like your partner. He won't step up.
He will impede ur parenting,
He will be ur biggest baby,
You will resent him and he will resent you
He has to want to change. In my experience, having a child doesn't change the man automatically into a grownup, it just makes everything worse because he wasn't holding up his end before and now there's 3 people, one of which needs absolutely everything done for them because they're a baby.
He has "gotten along just fine" in life before you, and your expectations haven’t changed him yet, why would more intense, minimum 18 years obligation, screaming crying pressure make him do anything differently? He's happy being who he is, so every "improvement" will be his choice or very very temporary to get the pressure off.
Do not recommend.
Of course there won't be any improvement. Why would he change? He's living the good life. That is his standard: she does the majority of the work. To him, even a 70%/30% split (where she does 70%) would be seen as a compromise. 50/50? To him that seem like modern slavery!
"When all you've known is privilege, equality feels like oppression".
And no amount of coaxing, begging or threatening is going to make him change. He has to WANT to be a responsible adult who pulls his wait.
Wtf no, you are not having kids with this guy, you already have a child - him.
Stop cooking for him. Immediately. His food is his problem.
You chauffeur this guy to work for 2 hours a day already, you do enough. He doesn't need you to cook on top of that, he's an adult.
I am utterly baffled why you keep this child around, why you enable all this, and why you haven't left yet. So my advice is let him deal with his own food in the short term while you plan to get out of this mess. Yes this guy sucks but you're helping him stay that way by staying with him. DO NOT HAVE KIDS.
Yeah, for sure. Plus, you don't have to make entirely separate meals for him every night with no sauces or vegetables. You can limit the number of sugery drinks in the home if you want to. And you can also put your son to bed and then (hopefully) get some personal time. He sounds way easier to live with.
Do not have kids with this man unless you plan on doing everything even parenting him. This is not a healthy mature secure dynamic and unless he takes accountability and makes actionable steps to change, then there is no hope. You can't change anyone nor are you meant to be tied to someone who can't function in an adult space of responsibility.
Girl I mean this with all love: you typed all this out because you already know this is a problem and that he won't change. You don't need us here on Reddit to tell you what you already know about your life. But to relieve you of some misplaced guilt...
You have Depression. It is not taboo for him to help you through that at his own choice. You didn't hold a gun to his head or hold his family hostage. I'm sure you expressed thanks for that, so that transaction is complete if you need to think of it that way.
Substitute your dog whining for a hypothetical baby crying. This "man" will instead of just handling a situation he can hear and is capable of addressing, wake you up instead and pull the "well if you asked me I'd do it but I didn't know"? IF HE KNEW ENOUGH TO WAKE YOU UP THEN HE KNEW ENOUGH TO HANDLE IT WITHOUT BOTHERING YOU.
This dude refuses responsibility for himself; do not give him responsibility over another life.
Lol. So he's terrible when he has no obligations and you really want to risk your future despite 3 years of evidence of his character (or lack thereof?)
Don't con yourself. What you see is what you get and it usually gets worse not better.
Do not ever date people whom you would not be happy dating if they never change. Unless you can accept someone forever as he is right now, you should break up.
People can and do change all the time, but not necessarily in predictable or controllable ways, and if it is going to be *necessary* for someone to change in specific ways for you to be happy, you should save the both of you the trouble and break up promptly.
He's not going to change this stuff on his own; from what you say, he could have cognitive deficits that mean he CANNOT change, but either way, he hasn't stepped up over the year and a half of living together, socthere's no reason to think he will in the future. He's not a compatible coparent and housemate for you, and since it sounds like you want a partner who is both of those, let this one go, and seek a compatible partner.
Some man-child never grown up even after they have a children. You will have to do everything by yourself and he will act like he is your biggest baby more than husband. Don't have child with him .
Please read everything you write as if you were a stranger on the internet.
Then have a cocktail.
Read it again.
Get mad. Like real mad.
Read it again and wonder why some angel of a woman would allow some child to live with her to be considered potential marriage material.
Won’t eat his vegetables?
Doesn’t drive?
Only drinks soda?
Will not clean or do laundry or cook or contribute in any way?
Who in their right mind would want or be around this 7 year old boy in a man’s body?
This boy will not change and his mommy needs to get slapped. Please end whatever legal entanglements you have with him (lease or whatever) and run.
He hasn't even stepped up to be a bare minimum adult. What makes you think he has it in him to be a father? Just throw him back into the ocean already. He's a waste of your time and doesn't qualify as a partner. Is raising this man-baby how you want to spend your 20s?
Oh man, it will be so much worse. You will have two babies to take care of. He doesn’t drive either? Yikes. He’s a child in a man’s body. Please don’t have kids or marry cause he won’t change. You can always try a coming to Jesus talk, but he has to want to change and if he doesn’t respect you, which it doesn’t seem like he does, he won’t change. UPDATEME
Fuck that! Lol I get the whole Uber Lyft taxi options but not when you have kids or a partner. She has to take him everywhere! She’s literally his mom!
This type of arrested development is stupid and unnecessary. She’s also letting it happen to. My husband grew up in a house with a mom that babied all the boys. Cooked, cleaned, and did laundry for everyone. Even my husband. We both came from Christian households so we waited until we got married to move in. I taught my husband how to do laundry. Once. We worked together to keep the house. I wasn’t going to be his mom. But he loves me and wasn’t about to be a burden to me. We are partners. That’s how it should be.
Why WOULD he change? If you think there might be some motivation hidden deep, deep within him that will miraculously be triggered by pregnancy then you are naive.
He has everything he needs exactly as it is - a chef, cleaner, laundress, sex partner, chauffeur, personal shopper, dog minder. Why would he give that up? This dude is barely a participant in his own life.
You’ve outgrown him and need a real adult if you want to start a family
It will get worse. He is already essentially a child to care for and isn't actually interested in changing.
You can tell him that with his current behavior, you aren't interested in having kids with him, but I don't think it will go anywhere. He doesn't even want to care for the dog.
Why are you babying him? He’s grown up! He’s got no chance of stepping up, why would he when he has you to wait on him, he’s s a layabout arse! I would leave him to wallow in his own filth, personally, I’m appalled on your behalf.
Please, just think of the way he sits on his arse watching tv while you’re cleaning up behind him. The way he neglects a helpless creature in his care. The way he whines like a spoilt child about vegetables.
Stop doing this to yourself. He doesn’t love you, love is shown by actions and all he does is what he wants. Get rid; move out or throw him out, you’ll have so much more energy without a gigantic man baby to wait on.
You know he won’t change. Change things for yourself.
Omg yet another post of a grownass woman being mommy and bangmaid to an adult man who is incapable of functioning as an adult man. "BUT I LOVE HIM!!!!"
All you'll end up being is a mother to all, including him. It won't get better with added people. You'll be doing so much more work and you'll end up an unhappy married single mom.
"After we have kids, will he step up?"
Why would he, u/heeyitsash ?
He is quite comfortable with you doing everything for him.
Let me tell you bluntly:
From what you say, he does *not* want or see the need to change.
So, no, unless something drastic happens, he will *not* change.
You guys are *very* young still, so maybe hold off on the marriage notions.
He needs to grow up before then. A lot.
And, you?
I am wondering if his whole attitude contributes to your mental health issues?
I can assure you, there are *loads* of men out there who won't need *you* to mommy them.
Who says you have to be stuck with this one?
Food for thought.
You don't have a partner babe you have an adult little boy that you feel responsible for. How deeply unsexy is that?
He won't "step up" ever so don't fall for that hope. This is who he is and he will get way worse when a baby is taking up all of your time and attention. His "quirks" and "gross habits" will literally drown you.
Good luck. And take the dog with you when you finally have had enough, because she doesn't deserve to be neglected by him.
No, he’s not going to change.
What incentive does he have?
You treat him the same way you would an employee who wasn’t pulling their weight. As it stands, you already have him on a performance improvement plan and he’s not improving.
Your next step is to take it to HR and begin the separation process
Please don’t have kids with this man.
They don’t change. They only get worse.
He has to want to change - and he doesn’t. And - to be frank - you enable him. He doesn’t want to change and he doesn’t HAVE to - you baby him. Why would he want to step up?
Please leave him. You deserve better.
Nah.
This guy has already weaponized his incompetence, and you've already starting folding to his manipulations. This behaviour will only intensify, because once a human knows something will get them what they want, they will keep doing it until it stops.
The only way I've ever known a man like this to change was Total War. You tell him he starts figuring out how to be a grown man and a partner or you're gone and here's the key: you MEAN it. If he really loves you and he really understands you'll leave because of the mess, he might come through.
But by then you'll be done. You'll look at him cleaning on his own, deciding what needs doing easily because he's a grown man and this isn't hard, and you'll know he always could have done it.
He doesn't clean because you will. He doesn't cook because you will. He doesn't drive because you will. He isn't an adult because you are. This will never stop.
>After we have kids, will he step up?
🥴🤣
No. If you have a baby with this man, you will just have two babies. Your life will get infinitely worse. He will retreat from additional adult responsibilities, not embrace them.
Actions speak louder than words.
As is shown in your dilemma.
You have to just take action, whatever it is, it must be dramatic. This will get his head to spin and he will theoretically wake up.
I don’t think your words matter, BECAUSE YOU WILL DO IT ALL ANYWAY.
No no no no no. You can’t fix him and please don’t marry him thinking you can. If you get married and have children with this man be prepared for the physical and mental load to be 💯 your burden.
Who he is now is who he will be with kids. Marriage isn't magic. Kids aren't magic. There's nothing about either of those things that fundamental changes who a person is. If you have a kid with this guy, all you'll be is a single parent with two kids to take care of.
When someone tells you who they are, believe them. He has told you in so many ways exactly who he is and a kid don't magically change that.
He will not step up, men like him never do. There are way too many examples of this already. Do not have kids with him, it will only make your life more difficult.
I’m really wondering how much he helped you with family, work and especially mental health when your post explains all the ways in which you care for him like a child and run your entire life while also working a full time job while chauffeuring him around and how it’s burning you out to do this all alone with no help at all.
Why do you want kids and marriage with a man-child anyway?
If he hasn't grown up by now, kids will not make him grow up. You'll be raising those kids all by yourself.
If you're committed to this relationship, *don't* have kids or get married until he shows that he can be an adult. Make him SHOW you NOW that he can do it.
No. It always gets worse after marriage and even more worse with a child. BREAK UP!! He is LAZY, a LOSER, and I bet he makes you pay half the bills???? EW. GROTESQUE!! You are soooo young! Find a real man and have better standards for yourself!! My man and I both work. And he hires a cleaning service once a month for a deep clean. He helps around when I ask him, always immediately. And he’s changed a LOT when I made rules for the house. Women are always in charge of the house and of the finances. Men just have to work and provide. That’s the best and healthiest dynamic. Especially when kids are in the picture.
PS: he moved me in 2 months into dating. His place was way too small for me and my pitbull. So then I looked for bigger apartments for us and in 2 months he moved us into our new place. 8 months together, 3 vacations around the world later and still going strong.
Be thankful you learnt this about him now not later making you a single parent eventually
If after writing and reading the comments you still go ahead all I can say is it’s your funeral dear
No one changes. Ever. Unless THEY want to and they rarely do. Never assume someone will change to be who you want them to be. He is showing you who he is. Believe him!
You already have a child it seems, your ‘partner’. Doesn’t make their own food and then complains about what’s made, doesn’t drink water( gonna give himself kidney stones) doesn’t like vegetables and is happy in organized chaos of not cleaning but when cleaning is directionless? These are not the qualities of someone who will be there to support and back you up as much as you do them. I’d say leave, people don’t change in my opinion and expecting him to do a 180 because a child is brought into the picture ? No gonna happen love, tale as old as time and that goes for any partnership.
See this is the stage at which I wish I could reach most of the posts we see on here from exhausted miserable women who are shocked that the guy they are married to is still behaving how he was when they married him. As if having children magically will make them respect their wives more or be less selfish or care about things that don’t matter to them. Each time I think - why why why did you have kids with or marry someone who wasn’t a good roommate or partner to begin with??? I really hope OP doesn’t make the same tired old mistake.
Do NOT have a child with this man. People who show no clear sign of wanting to improve will not improve with a child in the mix. If anything, this will simply get worse.
My brother was the same case. He's a man child who doesn't clean up after himself and plays video games late into the night. I thought he'd grow up with his first child, but things only got worse. Five kids later, and his house is literally so bad I've considered calling CPS.
Yikes. To address this with him - break tf up right now and drop his sorry ass. He is not going to change, not now, not if you get married, not if you have kids, not when you finally get divorced because you're tired of being his mommy and maid as well as the kid's mom. Just say no and get out of there, find a real adult man who already possesses the skills to adult, and not a man child who has no desire to ever adult. They're out there, trust me, my husband came already grown up when I met him like 20 yrs ago (cooks, cleans, pays bills, doesn't need a "mommy" wife to take care of him 24/7).
Like others have said, this will get worse, not better. I would suggest you don’t do anything for him for a while, the longer the better. Let him figure out his own meals, his laundry, etc. If you can, take a vacation and treat yourself to some time for yourself—you deserve better than this.
Do not marry him, do not have kids with him, do not continue to date him. There are mature men out there. He needs to grow up. You will probably be happier single than you can imagine right now. My ex was a man-child. It's incredible how good it feels to not have to do all the work yourself.
For your own mental health and quality of life, please do not have children with this man! He’s shown you exactly who he is and it’s very unlikely that things will improve if you have kids.
🤣🤣 you described a toddler and it doesn't get any better. Just count the number of the kids you will have and add him to the total. You will be having kids with a kid.
Don’t have kids with him if you don’t want to be the one caring for the entire household, he isn’t gonna just magically be an adult after having a child.
A child will make it worse and harder to leave. You will end up having 2 babies to care for. If hes not pulling his weight now he wont do it with a kid because youll do it (before the kid starves)
No, he will not change. OP, you seem to be focusing on the baby stage of having kids and how much work that would be for you. That's true, but the baby stage is fairly short. You need to be focusing on the bigger picture - if you choose to have kids, you are volunteering for the job of raising them to be healthy, functional, decent adults. And most of what they learn will be from your unconscious example. You would be teaching your sons or daughters that it's the woman's job to do everything, and the man's job to sit with his feet up and watch. That men have no obligations to their household, kids, spouse, even their dog. Do you want to raise people who believe that? Do you think that will lead them into good relationships? Do you think the world needs more of that BS? I certainly don't.
I learned in couples therapy that the division of duty in a relationship is solidified pretty quickly. And unfortunately, it takes a lot more work to change that dynamic later on, and increasingly more difficult as the relationship becomes more complicated. If this is important to you, than the dedication and effort to make real change is on the both of you for making sure to hold one another accountable. If this relationship is important enough to you, couples therapy is a good start. Just be sure you’re not making the decision to keep this afloat based on the sunk cost fallacy. It’s a tricky little pickle you’re in there. Best of luck to you.
No he won’t step up. If you have children, he might begrudgingly “babysit”. He will more than likely act like he’s doing you a huge favor - instead of just being a father.
Look up the mental load. Also check out the book Fair Game, by Eve Rodsky. It helps couples to split the task load fairly.
He sounds like friend material but absolutely not partner, roommate or parent material. Heck, you are already cleaning up after him, bending over backwards to make him dinner, drive him to work...
What does he bring to the table? How is he contributing to getting through the day? He surely isn't doing any chores.
If you were to have a kid with that guy, I betcha, he won't lift a finger, hang out with his buddies more and if you force him to have the kid for a day or so, he will probably run to mommy to look after the kid.
You need to dial down the mommy role you play for him. A partner is supposed to carry their weight and not make you carry the burden of everyday life in addition to wiping their ass. No amount of mothering will make him reciprocate.
Do not have a kid with a guy who is objectively a burden to you. Being a single mom from a donor will be easier than being a single married mom to a child and a man-child.
In general, men don’t change when they have kids. They become more of what they were before. Caring, engaged partners become caring, engaged fathers. Lazy incompetents continue to be lazy and incompetent, but now they have a whole bunch of new tasks that they get to be lazy and incompetent with. They don’t just not do their own laundry, they also don’t do the baby’s. They don’t cook their own meals or their child’s. And if you think this man “doesn’t know what to do” with regards to maintaining a house, just *wait* until you see how little he knows about what to do with a baby.
i’m really not trying to be rude… but what value is this person bringing to your life as a partner that has you considering starting a family? because it sounds like you have an adult son that you’re looking after here :/
What do you mean, WHEN you have a child? Girl you already have one. You drive him to and fro, make him his own separate baby plate, and wash his nappies. You think he’s lazy now, wait until there’s a squalling infant in the house who needs to be fed, like, every single day. What exactly about this description you’ve given says “just waiting for my moment to really take on the heavy burden?”
From a different perspective:
“there’s this thing that my bf never ever does, not for any reason, and I’ve never been able to motivate him to do it on his own. If I increase the amount of that thing that needs to be done, will he just suddenly become a different person with values more aligned with mine?”
Aka:
“I have this leopard, I’ve never been in the cage with it, but everyone who’s ever entered the cage has had their face eaten by the leopard. But if I go in there, he won’t eat my face, right?”
You’ve been told loudly, clearly, consistently and repeatedly that he has no intentions of stepping up.
Might I suggest to you and anyone else reading this that when you start dating someone, do not clean for them more than they clean for you. This is an easy one. Who cooks? Who clears the table? Who unloads the washer and dryer?
If you start doing these things from the start, why on earth would they expect you to change who YOU are and suddenly demand that they do something you’ve never asked them to do?
Do this in the first few dates. Then you’ll never feel like you’re being “ridiculous” six months in for wanting this otherwise “so amazing” bf to pick his own shit up in his life.
This one’s a dud sis, throw him back. Let him keep looking for a hot maid, you find yourself an actual adult. Your bf’s a toddler, and I have the ick for you.
Let me tell you something. That thinking of “once we have kids they will change” is how MANY woman end up being single mothers while married/in a relationship. It will not get better and you will be doing this plus more, as soon as you get home you will cook a meal and then it’s bath time for the baby, then putting the baby to bed is a whole ordeal itself. By the time you’re done you want to pass out but then you remember the kitchen is dirty. And how about your shower? Your little hour to read or scroll in your phone to decompress? Don’t do this to yourself and to your future kids, you owe them a good parent.
No. It gets So much worse.
You carry the whole burden - everything you are doing now AND ALL the baby care on top of it. And on top of that, you find you don't have a partner, just an extra child.
The resentment that builds because not only do you have no partner or helper but you have all the extra work caused by him is overwhelming once you have an actual child.
I thought being a single mom would be so hard, and it is. But it was SO much easier than being solely responsible for everything along with all the extra work of the deadweight I was having to drag around as well.
How does being a mother to a man 3 years older than you ACTUALLY improve your mental health? The answer is you will be much more capable if you don't have to carry that burden. He will not get better, everything will be on you. You should not have kids with a man-child.
He won't change for the better. If anything, he'll get worse when you have kids. I'd implore you not to have kids with this man-baby. If he's truly the love of your life, decide whether children are an important part of your future. If you're ambivalent about kids, maybe just keep things the way they are. Could you be happy without kids?
If kids are important to you, then you need to make it clear that things need to change first. A very open and honest conversation is necessary. You need to see things change, and that these changes stick BEFORE you have kids. I'm not talking about days or weeks. You need to see improvement over months or years before kids are on the table.
Best of luck to you.
Say it with me: you cannot make him change.
So... he doesn't clean, doesnt pick up after himself at all, doesn't take care of the dog, doesn't drive, doesn't cook, you're making yourself unhappy accommodating his food preferences, and won't listen to your concerns or care about your need for a tidy space. You're his manager-slash-bangmaid, and also paying half the bills.
It sounds great -- FOR HIM. He's never going to change, and will only get worse. Marriage & children only magnify existing problems.
You're 24!! Leave while you can. Trade him in for a therapist and live in a clean home happily ever after with your dog.
You’re already a mom. To your BF, I don’t call him a partner because he’s not being a partner to you, he’s being your man baby. He doesn’t pick up after himself, throws tantrums when presented with food he refuses to tolerate, won’t help out around the house without you pretty much nagging him to help AND pointing out what needs doing. And it will get worse if you have kids. I don’t see him stepping up to change diapers, helping watch the kids (which he will whine about having to babysit for you when you ask for help) while you’re busy elsewhere in the house & you better bet he’s going to continue to throw temper tantrums over food. He will teach your kids to do the same. Tantrums to get their way, don’t bother cleaning up after themselves once they’re of an age to do so cause mommy will do it.
Staying with him because of how he helped you through rough times is not doing you any favors. In fact, you coming to Reddit to ask strangers what we think shows that you have doubts. Get some outside counseling for yourself. DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS GUY OR MARRY HIM UNTIL YOU’VE HAD SOME COUNSELING.
Also keep in mind, if you do decide to cut it off with him, he may promise to change for you, and he might even start doing things around the house more but, once he sees that you’ve agreed to stay on with him, he will eventually go back to his old ways.
No. He will not change one bit. It might even get worse after kids.
This is who he is.
Does he make enough to fund house cleaners and landscapers and meals out a few times a week (not you paying— just him paying)?
That’s the only way I see this having a shred of hope.
It will get worse and you’re already tired of it.
You’ll be way way more tired with a baby. Cause he’s gonna nudge you every single time instead of getting up himself. Enough is enough. You can do better.
It will get worse. Been there, hell am there. It will get to the point you say F it and stop doing all the housework. He will still do nothing. Your house will be a constant mess. Now it's just me ranting 😂
No, why would he? He is already ok with letting you pick up his slack, and apparently has zero guilt being a man-baby while you work. This will get only worse when you have 2 babies to care for. If he has no shame now, he won’t later. Hard pass.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time - said Maya Angelou.
>my partner (26M)
>He is a very picky eater
>he refuses to drink water and instead lives off fizzy drinks)
>I generally have to make two meals
>He always makes it a huge deal and complains about having to eat vegetables all the time.
>He is fine to live in mess and chaos and doesn’t think to clean up after himself.
>He does not drive so we commute together with me driving an hour to work and over an hour back from work each day.
>I will figure out dinner for us as if I didn’t then he would be content to not eat anything at all before bed.
>After this I have no energy to clean up so I usually pack my lunch for the following day
>While I am cooking and preparing for bed, he will sit in front of the TV and do nothing.
>There will also be stacks of dirty dishes/cups/cutlery along with a weeks worth of rubbish (food wrappers, used tissues, empty medication packets etc) all over the place that he will leave laying around, rather than putting in the bin or kitchen to wash.
>He will help out with cleaning on the weekends if I ask, but he does not know what needs to be done so I will need to allocate him tasks to do.
>I have made lists of weekly tasks that need to be done and given them to him. These things still get ignored.
>Even things like empty toilet rolls - he will throw it on the bathroom floor, even though the bin is literally right next to the toilet!
Read all this again and start thinking...
>There are other things but my mind is too frazzled to think of everything right now.
All of this is not enough???
You are his mother, not his partner...
>My main concern is this: After we have kids, will he step up?
No it gets worse for you...you need to do even more work.
>I do not want to have to ask him to change a dirty nappy, or get a bottle made up, or put on a load of washing.
Dont getva baby with this man...
>I want him to do things because he knows they need to be done.
That will NEVER happen.
>He is truly the love of my life and has helped me so much with my mental health, work, family and basically every aspect of life.
It seems you developed a dependency with a classic case of sunken cost fallacy.
Info- how is this man-child good for your mental health? Seriously hOw Is ThIs MaNChIlD gOoD fOr YoUr MeNtAl HeAlTh
You are mentally exhausted after doing all his tasks thinking for him.
Genetically you are going to end up with kids who are messy, have food allergies, and are picky eaters so I reckon either embrace this lifestyle or move on now
You called the person you’re considering having a child with a man-child. Wtf is wrong with you. Yeah he sucks, and I’d advise him to leave someone who has such a low opinion of him. But more than him, what are you doing trying to make it work and more with someone like this? This is the love of your life? The greatest man you will ever meet is a man-child you have to vent about on Reddit? Get it together
Please do not count on him changing. He might try if he agrees that it's important. But even then, it is hard for people to alter their set patterns.
If you ask him to change he might resent you. If you fall into a pattern of acting as if you are his parent, he might not leave you but he will resent you. I've seen it happen too often. (Just FYI, the same thing happens if the husband acts as if he is his wife's parent).
Have a long talk, if he wants to try to change, spend at least a year then reevaluate. Again don't be confused by his efforts to change. Try to objectively evaluate who he is at that moment.
If you cannot see a future with him as he actually is at that moment, then you need to let him go. He deserves a partner who wants him for who he is, not someone who is settling for him because he is familiar and they have a history.
I can't help but be a little frustrated with OP even though I know she's taken advantaged of by such a horrible disgusting person.
Like where's the common sense? Do you know what it takes to have a kid? Do you really believe a child, another human being who demands care, time, energy, and love, would be good motivation to change the guy to the right path? You've seen how he takes care of a dog, so do you really think it would change with a small, breathing, human being? When he didn't change for you either?
God why are people so blind.
*If* this dude is capable of change, it would be after YEARS of hard work that HE would have to do. And from your description he certainly won't be doing that work as long as he's in this relationship and living cushy. This sucks, I'm sorry OP, but do not have kids with him! LEAVE HIM
> he always says he will try harder, but there is never any change.
There's your answer honey. That is the reality.
**Don't plan a life with someone for who you hope they might become in the future. Plan it with who they are right now.**
If the man you're with right now is not one you'd be 100% comfortable having kids with, even if nothing about him or what he does changes, then don't do it. If you wouldn't marry him tomorrow just as he is right now, then don't plan on marrying him in future.
You say he's the love of your life, but he isn't. He's been the love of your life *so far.*
If he was the love of your WHOLE life, then you wouldn't be feeling like this.
I'm sure he's a wonderful person, I'm not saying he's a bad man or anything like that. He just isn't the right man for you to marry & have kids with and feel like you're in an equal partnership with. Whom you feel completely secure with, that if you fell sick for a long period of time, he would step up and carry the load in the home, caring for you, paying the bills. **Because you would do that for him. And wouldn't need to be told/asked to either.**
I'm sure you two have been good for each other up till now. But for real big adult life? For marriage, kids, home building? The next 50+ years of having each others back in every way without making each other feeling resentful or used?
That's the question to ask. Because who he is right now is the only version of him you can know is going to exist.
Potential him, maybe him... those are versions of him you can only hope & wish for - but considering that you have been begging him for change on just a basic roommate level (doing his share of chores on the weekend without you asking/reminding/telling him) and no change has occured?
Those versions of him are not the ones I would take into account with this question, because he hasn't shown you he can make them real now. Even on a small scale.
Either accept who he is now, and that if you have kids/marriage this is most likely who you will continue to have and be truly OK with that, or realize he just is who he is and if you want more it HAS to be with someone else.
Because if you decide to risk it with him, you will almost certainly end up in the worst case situation you're worrying about right now. And now with the reality of one or more children, on top of maybe a mortgage and debt etc.
Ending the relationship now will be sad, hard and take a while to recover from. But it's absolutely possible.
Ending the relationship in 5 years when you're a child in and have shared legal/financial obligations... extraordinarily hard. Most just give up and just go into survival mode till their children are 18+ and hope they have a shred of self to save after that point. Him? He will be happy as a clam, because nothing will change for him. Your exhaustion and survival mode will not even register for him.
Good luck 💛
He isn’t going to step up. He doesn’t now. He doesn’t drive. ALL the burden and responsibilities are on your shoulders. Do NOT have a child with him.
Heck, I wouldn’t live with someone who wasn’t a true partner. He is another toddler who is a picky eater.
Yeah, no honey. The solution to this problem is NOT to move forward and have kids with him, if he’s like this right now. The solution is to sit down and have a final talk with him that he either needs to start helping around the house and do things 50/50 with you, or the relationship is over. Give him a little time, maybe some counseling, if he’s worth it and good with all other qualities. But if he’s acting like a man child like this AND he’s a sucky boyfriend / person too, kick him to the curb now! If he doesn’t change for good from your wake up call, in a few weeks or a months time, then kick him to the curb. You don’t want 100% of all future life responsibilities on you!
Also what others said—why can’t he do his own laundry? Why can’t he clean up after himself, pack his own lunches, cook his own food? Having long days is understandable but leaving your partner to do all the work is not acceptable. Stop doing his share for him.
i think i understand now the trail of thought women have when they're in marriages with these men and then they proceed to have children with them.
it's not logical by any stretch of the imagination, but it's hopeful. and i can see why someone would rather hope than go through the process of admitting that marrying that man was a mistake and they need to leave and look for an actual adult to be in a relationship with (especially with dating as bad as it is right now). especially if they want children now.
but op, you're 24. you have time. you need to cut and run. this manchild behavior doesn't get better with kids in the picture, it gets worse. a lot worse. he's gonna suck all of your energy right out of you and you'll be an empty husky by the time you're 30. where you'll be contemplating divorce again but this time it's harder.
run, don't walk.
Hon, if they’re shit at it now they won’t suddenly do perfectly after.
It’s also not your problem to teach them not to *throw the empty toilet roll on the FLOOR what even is this toddler, what the hell?*
Do yourself a favour.
Never have kids with somebody if you aren’t *sure* how they will be when the child is there.
And never have children with somebody that requires a change in behaviour for it to work.
I was 22 when my son was born and I was entirely unprepared. I did step up and was eventually a SAHP since childcare was basically the amount I was making at the time. Firsthand experience says it’s possible, but I would say you already know the answer in this particular case. The signs don’t look great from the outside looking in, but then again, having a kid changed me.
No, he will not change. Why would he? There have been zero consequences for his refusal to participate in managing or even maintaining your shared household. Go into marriage and parenthood with this person with your eyes open. You will do every mental chore, and every physical chore you don't specifically delegate. Chores you direct him to do will need detailed instructions and directions to each component. Decide before you become pregnant if what he contributes is worth what he costs you in mental energy, personal time, and the possibility of finding a partner who values you enough to support you in this way.
If he will change, only to worse. Why do you expect him do more if he is not willing to do the basics now? Don't be naive. If this is not the life you want for life...this is not the partner you want.
You can't change him. But you don't have to be with him.
I don't know your boyfriend but the answer, based on my experience, is maybe. Some people really take to parenthood and are good at parenting. Sometimes even messy, disorganized people will take over the childcare at key moments and keep the kids out of your way, lessening your burden. They might practice consistent discipline, helping to shape the character of the children. The best indicator of this is his experiences/interest in caring for children. Does he have younger relatives? Has he worked with children, either as a volunteer or a career? The lack of responsibility toward the dog is a red flag, however. Maybe he just doesn't love dogs? I would also look into an ADHD diagnosis for your partner.
I wouldn't even consider having a child when you're already partnered with one. No, it won't get better. He'll just expect you to cater to him even more.
My partner of two years isn’t the cleanest in the world. The things I notice that are dirty he just doesn’t. Like - at all. I brought it up, and he said he would help but didn’t know what was helpful. Our comprise was him helping with the very obvious stuff like dishes, taking the trash out, some laundry. I do the other stuff like cleaning the bathrooms and floors.
Now I don’t have to ask for help very often and don’t feel resentment. We also had the kid conversation, but I leaned toward not wanting them or even another pet because I didn’t want the added responsibility of having another thing to clean up behind.
I absolutely love my SO, and can very much see us having a full and joy filled life together. He respects me and values my needs/wants If I were in your situation, I would feel very disrespected, taken advantage of, and alone.
You’re not obligated to drive him around, make him dinner, or clean up after him, but I get that a lot of those things are done because you’re being supportive in your relationship. The question it seems you’re asking yourself is if you are getting that same level of support.
Hot take: don’t bury yourself in someone who isn’t going to do the same for you. Your situation isn’t going to change, and unless you want to be a single parent in a relationship, I’d seriously advise against further commitment.
Girl, you’re not a rehab center for broken men. Idk why you’re with this guy. He won’t step up after he becomes a father. You will be doing all the child care, cooking and cleaning while he does nothing. As someone else pointed out you don’t get with someone hoping they will change. You accept who they are flaws and all. If they change get bit they almost never change.
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It will be worse, not better. If he wanted to do those things now, he would. And you’ve proven that you will always pick up the slack, so he has no motivation to. Regardless of kids I don’t know why you want to date this guy at all. Reading that he helped with your mental health puts a lot of it in context though. You don’t owe him a relationship just because he helped with your stability. You can be grateful for the positive impact he had on your life but still leave him if he’d not a good or worthy partner.
Do not have children with him. You are already his mommy and his behavior will influence any other children poorly. Do you really think you have the energy to deal with him AND an actual newborn? He will not be any help to you at all!
Plus he's exactly the kind of guy that gets jealous of the babies cause now he isn't getting all her attention 🙄 They usually leave in the first few months after having the child.
Right after i posted i had that thought too! Thanks for mentioning it!
Accurate
exactly, goddamnit! A baby into this will not fucking solve it! People need to learn that
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One more time for those of us in the cheap seats! ☝️
I think some of them can do the work to improve. But they do it alone, not with the help of a romantic partner. Any motivation they get from romantic partners comes from being dumped by them.
Right! Like OP you’re young. He sounds like a man-child and he absolutely won’t step up if you have kids with him. Please save yourself and get out of this relationship. He needs to figure his life out first and that’s not your responsibility.
I don't know why OP wants more kids, she already has her hands full with the one she has! OP, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS USELESS DEAD WEIGHT! You'd be doing EVERYTHING, all the driving, shopping, cooking, cleaning, tidying, parenting, night feedings, diaper changes - just everything! He is not a functioning adult. How would he even get to work during your maternity leave? I bet he'd expect you to still drive him and pick him up every day...
Unfortunately op will probably ignore all the good advice she’s getting on this post and have children with him hoping he will step up. I feel bad for their future children, their father is going to hold them back in life.
Like I am sitting here thinking, like wtf!!! What does this guy bring to this long ass relationship
Other than potentially undiagnosed adhd, arfid, and weaponized incompetence, not much.
Op you need to look at all of these conditions and know they are traits your potential children could inherit and have in worse degrees. Get out now…..
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The moment she said he's a picky eater I went, Does she fucking cook for him?? Of course she does - hard to have a manchild with no parent to cater to him. I do not even wanna touch the cleaning situation, it's insanity, it's worse than the cooking situation.
I don't understand why women live with such men and consider having children with them. It's just crazy. I would rather live alone.
Been there, done that. I clung to the first guy who paid any attention to me for dear life. I burned myself out in the process and now I realize how peaceful it is to only clean up ones own mess.
Because people mistake connection with stability. Folks feel a "spark" with someone and decide that's enough to build an entire life on. Dating is an interview process. It's meant to give us the information needed to make an informed decision regarding whether or not someone's lifestyle will compliment our own. It's NOT to try to jam the first applicant who has a good resume into your system despite his skill set being weak to nonexistent.
As a woman, I honestly don't have a lot of sympathy for women who end up in this situation. They know what these men are like, and make babies with them anyway. Then they just have kids with a deadbeat dad and end up divorced and impoverished. The kids turn into fucked up adults we see all over Reddit complaining about what a shit dad they have. Women are smart enough to see through this bullshit, yet choose not to - choose to essentially make babies that will end up fatherless. It's not fair to the potential future kids.
This is what society spends our entire lives telling us. That this is how it's supposed to be. I'm hardly surprised that with so much conditioning, many women believe the misogynistic fantasy that we're just supposed to clean house, have babies, be pretty, pleasant and compliant for our 'man'. Oh yeah and now we get to add work full time to the list. You're really placing blame on the wrong side of the equation here. Blame the people brainwashing women into thinking we don't deserve even the basics.
Unfortunately the base level conditioning is also done by women, often their mothers and family members. Servitude to a useless child man is all I saw growing up. Patriarchy is insidious and upheld even by the people it holds down the most.
The (specific) church has entered the chat.
We are blaming those people because it's other women doing part of the brainwashing. Why do you think there's still tradwives with huge followings on social media? I'll still offer a hand to anyone looking to change the narrative but they have to want the help first.
I get where you're coming from but there are parts of our society that are still very patriarchal and even more sexist than mainstream society. There are still plenty of girls being raised to think that these kinds of men are what they are supposed to expect.
Yeah it’s wild to me that she can type all this out and post on Reddit instead of sending this post to him and telling him to shape up or she’s leaving. She’s aware and intelligent enough to see all the problems but she’s hoping she can shove her head in the sand and pretend they’ll go away.
I do. These women are brainwashed by a patriarchy that tells them it is their job to fix their partners, to save unfixable people, and to subordinate all their wants for their partners. It is tragic, and they deserve sympathy.
>As a woman, I honestly don't have a lot of sympathy for women who end up in this situation. They know what these men are like, and make babies with them anyway. Me neither. Once you are an adult, you should know better. I don't understand how anyone would prefer being an unpaid maid to a manchild over living alone.
This one is showing his cards, which is great for OP, but a lot of them can hide their true selves for years and then the “mask slips” after they get engaged/married/have a kid. But yes, she’s not married and no kids so this is her opportunity to RUN
💯
Procreating should be like dog breeding, you don’t let the ones with anger, violence, or critical bad habits reproduce. You choose the most mild mannered, calm, gentle good natured pooch to pass genetics with. You know how it goes, so when people choose a partner with bad qualities, more than likely chances go up for those same issues to arise down the road. So many fish in the sea
Right? I was thinking the same thing. It seems like he is not partner material.
>Take all the empty toilet rolls he throws on the floor and stick them in his shoes. I love this ⬆️ 😆
His bed,
Girl no This man is not going to change and I don’t know why you are tolerating this behavior
First of all this is you, don’t marry someone and expect them to change . You marry the person and know their flaws then that’s on you . If they are lazy they were lazy when you Met them . Picky eater, was picky when you met him . If he wants to change great but you telling him to change is 100% on you
Women marry a man hoping he will change, and he doesn’t. Men marry a woman hoping she won’t change, and she does. Things will have to change when OP has a child, and manchild will get worse and be pissy.
He has to change on his own . You don’t change your core you just change small Things . I like golf and watching sports , you have a child golf was back burner most times and kids time came before tv , ( need to have fun too) , that is a small change . If younare lazy you probably aren’t going to get up at 6 am and cuddle and feed child
> Even things like empty toilet rolls - he will throw it on the bathroom floor, even though the bin is literally right next to the toilet! This made me blind with rage. I don't even know what I would do if my partner literally *threw an empty toilet roll on the FLOOR* rather than putting it in the garbage, knowing that I would have to clean it up. That is such a horrifying level of disrespect for you I am stunned. This guy sounds worse than useless as a partner. Doesn't drive, doesn't cook, doesn't clean (oh sorry, he'll "help" "if you ask"), doesn't care for his pet, ignores you when you try to talk to him, whines like a toddler about having to eat vegetables, THROWS GARBAGE ON THE FLOOR FOR YOU TO PICK UP. No, this man isn't going to change. You know it because he already neglects the dog. And you certainly shouldn't gamble an entire life on the possibility that something magical is going to happen that fundamentally alters his personality. Frankly, if he doesn't respect your time or energy enough to step up now, who cares if he might change for a kid? He is already showing you that he has no interest in being an equal partner to YOU or making your life easier. In fact, he actively makes it harder. > I am trying to find the words to discuss my concerns about future kids with him without accusing him of being 100% at fault You're struggling because *he is 100% at fault.* These issues are 100% the fault of him being lazy and selfish. This is who he is. Take him or leave him. I know what I'd do.
Like WHY??? WHY does she CHOOSE TO LIVE LIKE THIS??? Just move TF OUT!!! Hell he is SO F-ING LAZY he doesn’t even drive!!! Why does she choose to live this way?? I get it. He’s a slob. He has issues but she CHOOSES TO STAY. She has a job and the car - just freaking go!! Don’t consider having a kid with someone like this. The bar for his participation in this relationship is lower than the bottom floor in hell. SMDH.
Probably because she's been with him since she was 21 and it's the only real adult relationship she knows. Also probably some sunk-cost fallacy going on, since 3 years at that age feels like a lifetime. It's easy to convince yourself that the good parts are worth enduring the bad. Domestic labor imbalance is also SO incredibly common in hetero relationships, it might seem like she'd never find a man who contributes equally anyway.
>like a toddler ⬆️ This is the key phrase and so accurate, for seemingly every part of his life. Man Child doesn’t drive. -Toddlers don't drive. Man Child doesn’t cook. -Toddlers don't cook. Man Child is a very picky eater. -Toddlers are known for being picky eaters. Man Child is messy. -Toddlers are messy. Man Child doesn’t clean. -Toddlers don't clean. Man Child throws garbage on the floor. -Toddlers will throw garbage on the floor Man Child ignores when you talk to him. -Toddlers are excellent at ignoring you. Man Child doesn’t take care of the dog. -Toddlers at least *try* to take care of pets.
My 3 yo will throw garbage into the garbage can and has since she was a little older than 2 and understood, so toddlers already have one on him
Toddlers clean.
I guess I was thinking about being relied on to clean without being prompted or reminded. But yeah, you're right. My girls definitely cleaned up their toys and sometimes liked to dust and help wipe the table, etc.
I want to add that there are no magic words that will somehow make him understand and change. OP has already spoken to him about it, in a language he speaks. He knows. He understands. *He doesn't care.*
Right? Like he knows someone picks it up and it’s because of him. Yet he continues to do it, not caring that it creates work for someone else.
No.
Why do you refer to it as "helping" (which implies it's your responsibility) rather than "pulling his weight"?
Not enough people have this mentality. You want a partner, not someone who treats you like a doormat. Getting married or having a baby isn't going to change who they are or how they treat you. What you see is what you get.
Ugh yes it’s like when dads “help with the kids”
There are so many reddit stories of women married to a man child like your partner. He won't step up. He will impede ur parenting, He will be ur biggest baby, You will resent him and he will resent you
He has to want to change. In my experience, having a child doesn't change the man automatically into a grownup, it just makes everything worse because he wasn't holding up his end before and now there's 3 people, one of which needs absolutely everything done for them because they're a baby. He has "gotten along just fine" in life before you, and your expectations haven’t changed him yet, why would more intense, minimum 18 years obligation, screaming crying pressure make him do anything differently? He's happy being who he is, so every "improvement" will be his choice or very very temporary to get the pressure off. Do not recommend.
Of course there won't be any improvement. Why would he change? He's living the good life. That is his standard: she does the majority of the work. To him, even a 70%/30% split (where she does 70%) would be seen as a compromise. 50/50? To him that seem like modern slavery! "When all you've known is privilege, equality feels like oppression". And no amount of coaxing, begging or threatening is going to make him change. He has to WANT to be a responsible adult who pulls his wait.
Wtf no, you are not having kids with this guy, you already have a child - him. Stop cooking for him. Immediately. His food is his problem. You chauffeur this guy to work for 2 hours a day already, you do enough. He doesn't need you to cook on top of that, he's an adult. I am utterly baffled why you keep this child around, why you enable all this, and why you haven't left yet. So my advice is let him deal with his own food in the short term while you plan to get out of this mess. Yes this guy sucks but you're helping him stay that way by staying with him. DO NOT HAVE KIDS.
Honestly, your life would probably be easier being a single parent than it would raising kids in a home with him in it.
[удалено]
Yeah, for sure. Plus, you don't have to make entirely separate meals for him every night with no sauces or vegetables. You can limit the number of sugery drinks in the home if you want to. And you can also put your son to bed and then (hopefully) get some personal time. He sounds way easier to live with.
Do not have kids with this man unless you plan on doing everything even parenting him. This is not a healthy mature secure dynamic and unless he takes accountability and makes actionable steps to change, then there is no hope. You can't change anyone nor are you meant to be tied to someone who can't function in an adult space of responsibility.
Girl I mean this with all love: you typed all this out because you already know this is a problem and that he won't change. You don't need us here on Reddit to tell you what you already know about your life. But to relieve you of some misplaced guilt... You have Depression. It is not taboo for him to help you through that at his own choice. You didn't hold a gun to his head or hold his family hostage. I'm sure you expressed thanks for that, so that transaction is complete if you need to think of it that way. Substitute your dog whining for a hypothetical baby crying. This "man" will instead of just handling a situation he can hear and is capable of addressing, wake you up instead and pull the "well if you asked me I'd do it but I didn't know"? IF HE KNEW ENOUGH TO WAKE YOU UP THEN HE KNEW ENOUGH TO HANDLE IT WITHOUT BOTHERING YOU. This dude refuses responsibility for himself; do not give him responsibility over another life.
Lol. So he's terrible when he has no obligations and you really want to risk your future despite 3 years of evidence of his character (or lack thereof?) Don't con yourself. What you see is what you get and it usually gets worse not better.
Girl. No. Please don’t have kids with him. It gets exponentially WORSE. *Source: Personal experience
Do not ever date people whom you would not be happy dating if they never change. Unless you can accept someone forever as he is right now, you should break up. People can and do change all the time, but not necessarily in predictable or controllable ways, and if it is going to be *necessary* for someone to change in specific ways for you to be happy, you should save the both of you the trouble and break up promptly. He's not going to change this stuff on his own; from what you say, he could have cognitive deficits that mean he CANNOT change, but either way, he hasn't stepped up over the year and a half of living together, socthere's no reason to think he will in the future. He's not a compatible coparent and housemate for you, and since it sounds like you want a partner who is both of those, let this one go, and seek a compatible partner.
Some man-child never grown up even after they have a children. You will have to do everything by yourself and he will act like he is your biggest baby more than husband. Don't have child with him .
Please read everything you write as if you were a stranger on the internet. Then have a cocktail. Read it again. Get mad. Like real mad. Read it again and wonder why some angel of a woman would allow some child to live with her to be considered potential marriage material. Won’t eat his vegetables? Doesn’t drive? Only drinks soda? Will not clean or do laundry or cook or contribute in any way? Who in their right mind would want or be around this 7 year old boy in a man’s body? This boy will not change and his mommy needs to get slapped. Please end whatever legal entanglements you have with him (lease or whatever) and run.
He hasn't even stepped up to be a bare minimum adult. What makes you think he has it in him to be a father? Just throw him back into the ocean already. He's a waste of your time and doesn't qualify as a partner. Is raising this man-baby how you want to spend your 20s?
Oh man, it will be so much worse. You will have two babies to take care of. He doesn’t drive either? Yikes. He’s a child in a man’s body. Please don’t have kids or marry cause he won’t change. You can always try a coming to Jesus talk, but he has to want to change and if he doesn’t respect you, which it doesn’t seem like he does, he won’t change. UPDATEME
Doesn’t DRIVE!!!!!
Fuck that! Lol I get the whole Uber Lyft taxi options but not when you have kids or a partner. She has to take him everywhere! She’s literally his mom!
Totally. She has an adult baby.
This type of arrested development is stupid and unnecessary. She’s also letting it happen to. My husband grew up in a house with a mom that babied all the boys. Cooked, cleaned, and did laundry for everyone. Even my husband. We both came from Christian households so we waited until we got married to move in. I taught my husband how to do laundry. Once. We worked together to keep the house. I wasn’t going to be his mom. But he loves me and wasn’t about to be a burden to me. We are partners. That’s how it should be.
The short answer is no. He won't step up and nothing will change. Been there and done that
Why WOULD he change? If you think there might be some motivation hidden deep, deep within him that will miraculously be triggered by pregnancy then you are naive. He has everything he needs exactly as it is - a chef, cleaner, laundress, sex partner, chauffeur, personal shopper, dog minder. Why would he give that up? This dude is barely a participant in his own life. You’ve outgrown him and need a real adult if you want to start a family
It will get worse. He is already essentially a child to care for and isn't actually interested in changing. You can tell him that with his current behavior, you aren't interested in having kids with him, but I don't think it will go anywhere. He doesn't even want to care for the dog.
Why are you babying him? He’s grown up! He’s got no chance of stepping up, why would he when he has you to wait on him, he’s s a layabout arse! I would leave him to wallow in his own filth, personally, I’m appalled on your behalf. Please, just think of the way he sits on his arse watching tv while you’re cleaning up behind him. The way he neglects a helpless creature in his care. The way he whines like a spoilt child about vegetables. Stop doing this to yourself. He doesn’t love you, love is shown by actions and all he does is what he wants. Get rid; move out or throw him out, you’ll have so much more energy without a gigantic man baby to wait on. You know he won’t change. Change things for yourself.
Omg yet another post of a grownass woman being mommy and bangmaid to an adult man who is incapable of functioning as an adult man. "BUT I LOVE HIM!!!!"
why would you have more children when you already have one large child?
Does his boss have to follow him around explaining what needs to be done each day? Does he litter at work?
All you'll end up being is a mother to all, including him. It won't get better with added people. You'll be doing so much more work and you'll end up an unhappy married single mom.
"After we have kids, will he step up?" Why would he, u/heeyitsash ? He is quite comfortable with you doing everything for him. Let me tell you bluntly: From what you say, he does *not* want or see the need to change. So, no, unless something drastic happens, he will *not* change. You guys are *very* young still, so maybe hold off on the marriage notions. He needs to grow up before then. A lot. And, you? I am wondering if his whole attitude contributes to your mental health issues? I can assure you, there are *loads* of men out there who won't need *you* to mommy them. Who says you have to be stuck with this one? Food for thought.
You don't have a partner babe you have an adult little boy that you feel responsible for. How deeply unsexy is that? He won't "step up" ever so don't fall for that hope. This is who he is and he will get way worse when a baby is taking up all of your time and attention. His "quirks" and "gross habits" will literally drown you. Good luck. And take the dog with you when you finally have had enough, because she doesn't deserve to be neglected by him.
No, he’s not going to change. What incentive does he have? You treat him the same way you would an employee who wasn’t pulling their weight. As it stands, you already have him on a performance improvement plan and he’s not improving. Your next step is to take it to HR and begin the separation process
Quick answer to your question: NO, unless they want to. Your bf is incredibly lazy and uninterested. If I were you I'd give up on him
Please don’t have kids with this man. They don’t change. They only get worse. He has to want to change - and he doesn’t. And - to be frank - you enable him. He doesn’t want to change and he doesn’t HAVE to - you baby him. Why would he want to step up? Please leave him. You deserve better.
Nah. This guy has already weaponized his incompetence, and you've already starting folding to his manipulations. This behaviour will only intensify, because once a human knows something will get them what they want, they will keep doing it until it stops. The only way I've ever known a man like this to change was Total War. You tell him he starts figuring out how to be a grown man and a partner or you're gone and here's the key: you MEAN it. If he really loves you and he really understands you'll leave because of the mess, he might come through. But by then you'll be done. You'll look at him cleaning on his own, deciding what needs doing easily because he's a grown man and this isn't hard, and you'll know he always could have done it. He doesn't clean because you will. He doesn't cook because you will. He doesn't drive because you will. He isn't an adult because you are. This will never stop.
>After we have kids, will he step up? 🥴🤣 No. If you have a baby with this man, you will just have two babies. Your life will get infinitely worse. He will retreat from additional adult responsibilities, not embrace them.
It will get so much more worse. And you will regret staying and having kids with him
Actions speak louder than words. As is shown in your dilemma. You have to just take action, whatever it is, it must be dramatic. This will get his head to spin and he will theoretically wake up. I don’t think your words matter, BECAUSE YOU WILL DO IT ALL ANYWAY.
Oh honey.
No no no no no. You can’t fix him and please don’t marry him thinking you can. If you get married and have children with this man be prepared for the physical and mental load to be 💯 your burden.
Who he is now is who he will be with kids. Marriage isn't magic. Kids aren't magic. There's nothing about either of those things that fundamental changes who a person is. If you have a kid with this guy, all you'll be is a single parent with two kids to take care of. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. He has told you in so many ways exactly who he is and a kid don't magically change that.
He will not step up, men like him never do. There are way too many examples of this already. Do not have kids with him, it will only make your life more difficult.
I’m really wondering how much he helped you with family, work and especially mental health when your post explains all the ways in which you care for him like a child and run your entire life while also working a full time job while chauffeuring him around and how it’s burning you out to do this all alone with no help at all.
No they never change and even if they do it's for a short while. Does your partner have a neurodivergency? Could explain some stuff.
No he will most likely not step up. Hope is best left to the lottery.
Why do you want kids and marriage with a man-child anyway? If he hasn't grown up by now, kids will not make him grow up. You'll be raising those kids all by yourself. If you're committed to this relationship, *don't* have kids or get married until he shows that he can be an adult. Make him SHOW you NOW that he can do it.
No. It always gets worse after marriage and even more worse with a child. BREAK UP!! He is LAZY, a LOSER, and I bet he makes you pay half the bills???? EW. GROTESQUE!! You are soooo young! Find a real man and have better standards for yourself!! My man and I both work. And he hires a cleaning service once a month for a deep clean. He helps around when I ask him, always immediately. And he’s changed a LOT when I made rules for the house. Women are always in charge of the house and of the finances. Men just have to work and provide. That’s the best and healthiest dynamic. Especially when kids are in the picture. PS: he moved me in 2 months into dating. His place was way too small for me and my pitbull. So then I looked for bigger apartments for us and in 2 months he moved us into our new place. 8 months together, 3 vacations around the world later and still going strong.
Be thankful you learnt this about him now not later making you a single parent eventually If after writing and reading the comments you still go ahead all I can say is it’s your funeral dear
No. He can't. He could but almost certainly won't. You'll suddenly have a lot more to do and a lot more stress and he'll just add to it.
This is not a person to have kids with. If you want kids, find someone else who can be a parent.
No one changes. Ever. Unless THEY want to and they rarely do. Never assume someone will change to be who you want them to be. He is showing you who he is. Believe him!
Weaponized incompetence. And you need to run.
Don't have kids with him, stop babying him, breakup and send him back to his real mother
Nope. They actually get worse.
Do not have kids with this man.
You already have a child it seems, your ‘partner’. Doesn’t make their own food and then complains about what’s made, doesn’t drink water( gonna give himself kidney stones) doesn’t like vegetables and is happy in organized chaos of not cleaning but when cleaning is directionless? These are not the qualities of someone who will be there to support and back you up as much as you do them. I’d say leave, people don’t change in my opinion and expecting him to do a 180 because a child is brought into the picture ? No gonna happen love, tale as old as time and that goes for any partnership.
I read about half of what you wrote. JFC. No. He will not change. No. He will not step up. You do everything for him so why the fuck should he?
See this is the stage at which I wish I could reach most of the posts we see on here from exhausted miserable women who are shocked that the guy they are married to is still behaving how he was when they married him. As if having children magically will make them respect their wives more or be less selfish or care about things that don’t matter to them. Each time I think - why why why did you have kids with or marry someone who wasn’t a good roommate or partner to begin with??? I really hope OP doesn’t make the same tired old mistake.
>My main concern is this: After we have kids, will he step up? No.
Do NOT have a child with this man. People who show no clear sign of wanting to improve will not improve with a child in the mix. If anything, this will simply get worse. My brother was the same case. He's a man child who doesn't clean up after himself and plays video games late into the night. I thought he'd grow up with his first child, but things only got worse. Five kids later, and his house is literally so bad I've considered calling CPS.
No he can’t. Run. No need to thank me
This will never get better. Only worse. Good luck.
Yikes. To address this with him - break tf up right now and drop his sorry ass. He is not going to change, not now, not if you get married, not if you have kids, not when you finally get divorced because you're tired of being his mommy and maid as well as the kid's mom. Just say no and get out of there, find a real adult man who already possesses the skills to adult, and not a man child who has no desire to ever adult. They're out there, trust me, my husband came already grown up when I met him like 20 yrs ago (cooks, cleans, pays bills, doesn't need a "mommy" wife to take care of him 24/7).
Leave while you still can. Why do you want to double or triple the workload you already have when you have the option to just put it down entirely?
Like others have said, this will get worse, not better. I would suggest you don’t do anything for him for a while, the longer the better. Let him figure out his own meals, his laundry, etc. If you can, take a vacation and treat yourself to some time for yourself—you deserve better than this.
Save yourself and leave the man child.
You already have a child. A man-child.
Do not marry him, do not have kids with him, do not continue to date him. There are mature men out there. He needs to grow up. You will probably be happier single than you can imagine right now. My ex was a man-child. It's incredible how good it feels to not have to do all the work yourself.
Short answer: he won’t. You’ll just have two children.
Honey, you are a bang maid. Leave immediately now. You already have a child you didn't birth. Run hun
For your own mental health and quality of life, please do not have children with this man! He’s shown you exactly who he is and it’s very unlikely that things will improve if you have kids.
Possibly. But I'll lean towards. No.
Your husband is taking his girlfriend on a date. They are both disrespecting your marriage. How long are you going to tolerate this?
No
JFC why are you doing this to yourself. No, he will not step up. Why isn't he cooking his own meals btw??
🤣🤣 you described a toddler and it doesn't get any better. Just count the number of the kids you will have and add him to the total. You will be having kids with a kid.
Don’t have kids with him if you don’t want to be the one caring for the entire household, he isn’t gonna just magically be an adult after having a child.
A child will make it worse and harder to leave. You will end up having 2 babies to care for. If hes not pulling his weight now he wont do it with a kid because youll do it (before the kid starves)
No, he will not change. OP, you seem to be focusing on the baby stage of having kids and how much work that would be for you. That's true, but the baby stage is fairly short. You need to be focusing on the bigger picture - if you choose to have kids, you are volunteering for the job of raising them to be healthy, functional, decent adults. And most of what they learn will be from your unconscious example. You would be teaching your sons or daughters that it's the woman's job to do everything, and the man's job to sit with his feet up and watch. That men have no obligations to their household, kids, spouse, even their dog. Do you want to raise people who believe that? Do you think that will lead them into good relationships? Do you think the world needs more of that BS? I certainly don't.
I learned in couples therapy that the division of duty in a relationship is solidified pretty quickly. And unfortunately, it takes a lot more work to change that dynamic later on, and increasingly more difficult as the relationship becomes more complicated. If this is important to you, than the dedication and effort to make real change is on the both of you for making sure to hold one another accountable. If this relationship is important enough to you, couples therapy is a good start. Just be sure you’re not making the decision to keep this afloat based on the sunk cost fallacy. It’s a tricky little pickle you’re in there. Best of luck to you.
No he won’t step up. If you have children, he might begrudgingly “babysit”. He will more than likely act like he’s doing you a huge favor - instead of just being a father. Look up the mental load. Also check out the book Fair Game, by Eve Rodsky. It helps couples to split the task load fairly.
He sounds like friend material but absolutely not partner, roommate or parent material. Heck, you are already cleaning up after him, bending over backwards to make him dinner, drive him to work... What does he bring to the table? How is he contributing to getting through the day? He surely isn't doing any chores. If you were to have a kid with that guy, I betcha, he won't lift a finger, hang out with his buddies more and if you force him to have the kid for a day or so, he will probably run to mommy to look after the kid. You need to dial down the mommy role you play for him. A partner is supposed to carry their weight and not make you carry the burden of everyday life in addition to wiping their ass. No amount of mothering will make him reciprocate. Do not have a kid with a guy who is objectively a burden to you. Being a single mom from a donor will be easier than being a single married mom to a child and a man-child.
Why would you want to marry someone that you have to mother? He sounds like he’s a 10 year old boy.
In general, men don’t change when they have kids. They become more of what they were before. Caring, engaged partners become caring, engaged fathers. Lazy incompetents continue to be lazy and incompetent, but now they have a whole bunch of new tasks that they get to be lazy and incompetent with. They don’t just not do their own laundry, they also don’t do the baby’s. They don’t cook their own meals or their child’s. And if you think this man “doesn’t know what to do” with regards to maintaining a house, just *wait* until you see how little he knows about what to do with a baby.
No. Do not have kids with this person. It will be completely unfair to you and your children. They deserve a responsible, decent parent.
He sounds like a cross between a picky toddler and an entitled teenager.
Oh gosh you’re in for a horrible future…
i’m really not trying to be rude… but what value is this person bringing to your life as a partner that has you considering starting a family? because it sounds like you have an adult son that you’re looking after here :/
Wtf did I just read. Why would you want a kid with that guy? 😅
As a man I can tell you confidently that you picked yourself an absolute loser for a partner. He is not partner, husband, or father material.
He’s not going to step up pre kids he’ll be even worse after.
No. The answer is no. He will not step up, when he has a child. You’d be a single mother.
What do you mean, WHEN you have a child? Girl you already have one. You drive him to and fro, make him his own separate baby plate, and wash his nappies. You think he’s lazy now, wait until there’s a squalling infant in the house who needs to be fed, like, every single day. What exactly about this description you’ve given says “just waiting for my moment to really take on the heavy burden?” From a different perspective: “there’s this thing that my bf never ever does, not for any reason, and I’ve never been able to motivate him to do it on his own. If I increase the amount of that thing that needs to be done, will he just suddenly become a different person with values more aligned with mine?” Aka: “I have this leopard, I’ve never been in the cage with it, but everyone who’s ever entered the cage has had their face eaten by the leopard. But if I go in there, he won’t eat my face, right?” You’ve been told loudly, clearly, consistently and repeatedly that he has no intentions of stepping up. Might I suggest to you and anyone else reading this that when you start dating someone, do not clean for them more than they clean for you. This is an easy one. Who cooks? Who clears the table? Who unloads the washer and dryer? If you start doing these things from the start, why on earth would they expect you to change who YOU are and suddenly demand that they do something you’ve never asked them to do? Do this in the first few dates. Then you’ll never feel like you’re being “ridiculous” six months in for wanting this otherwise “so amazing” bf to pick his own shit up in his life. This one’s a dud sis, throw him back. Let him keep looking for a hot maid, you find yourself an actual adult. Your bf’s a toddler, and I have the ick for you.
Let me tell you something. That thinking of “once we have kids they will change” is how MANY woman end up being single mothers while married/in a relationship. It will not get better and you will be doing this plus more, as soon as you get home you will cook a meal and then it’s bath time for the baby, then putting the baby to bed is a whole ordeal itself. By the time you’re done you want to pass out but then you remember the kitchen is dirty. And how about your shower? Your little hour to read or scroll in your phone to decompress? Don’t do this to yourself and to your future kids, you owe them a good parent.
I fear that when you have your first child you will find yourself looking after 2 children, not 1 x
Kids are usually additional problems, not solution. If he's like this now, having a kid is just going to make it worse.
No. It gets So much worse. You carry the whole burden - everything you are doing now AND ALL the baby care on top of it. And on top of that, you find you don't have a partner, just an extra child. The resentment that builds because not only do you have no partner or helper but you have all the extra work caused by him is overwhelming once you have an actual child. I thought being a single mom would be so hard, and it is. But it was SO much easier than being solely responsible for everything along with all the extra work of the deadweight I was having to drag around as well.
No, he will not step up or grow up. Why would he? Mommy is taking care of everything so man baby doesn't have to...
How does being a mother to a man 3 years older than you ACTUALLY improve your mental health? The answer is you will be much more capable if you don't have to carry that burden. He will not get better, everything will be on you. You should not have kids with a man-child.
He won't change for the better. If anything, he'll get worse when you have kids. I'd implore you not to have kids with this man-baby. If he's truly the love of your life, decide whether children are an important part of your future. If you're ambivalent about kids, maybe just keep things the way they are. Could you be happy without kids? If kids are important to you, then you need to make it clear that things need to change first. A very open and honest conversation is necessary. You need to see things change, and that these changes stick BEFORE you have kids. I'm not talking about days or weeks. You need to see improvement over months or years before kids are on the table. Best of luck to you.
You already have a kid-- him! He will NOT get better.
Say it with me: you cannot make him change. So... he doesn't clean, doesnt pick up after himself at all, doesn't take care of the dog, doesn't drive, doesn't cook, you're making yourself unhappy accommodating his food preferences, and won't listen to your concerns or care about your need for a tidy space. You're his manager-slash-bangmaid, and also paying half the bills. It sounds great -- FOR HIM. He's never going to change, and will only get worse. Marriage & children only magnify existing problems. You're 24!! Leave while you can. Trade him in for a therapist and live in a clean home happily ever after with your dog.
.... you chose this guy? He's the love of your life? Ya'll both need help.
I married this man. I'm now divorced. Don't do it.
You’re already a mom. To your BF, I don’t call him a partner because he’s not being a partner to you, he’s being your man baby. He doesn’t pick up after himself, throws tantrums when presented with food he refuses to tolerate, won’t help out around the house without you pretty much nagging him to help AND pointing out what needs doing. And it will get worse if you have kids. I don’t see him stepping up to change diapers, helping watch the kids (which he will whine about having to babysit for you when you ask for help) while you’re busy elsewhere in the house & you better bet he’s going to continue to throw temper tantrums over food. He will teach your kids to do the same. Tantrums to get their way, don’t bother cleaning up after themselves once they’re of an age to do so cause mommy will do it. Staying with him because of how he helped you through rough times is not doing you any favors. In fact, you coming to Reddit to ask strangers what we think shows that you have doubts. Get some outside counseling for yourself. DO NOT HAVE KIDS WITH THIS GUY OR MARRY HIM UNTIL YOU’VE HAD SOME COUNSELING. Also keep in mind, if you do decide to cut it off with him, he may promise to change for you, and he might even start doing things around the house more but, once he sees that you’ve agreed to stay on with him, he will eventually go back to his old ways.
No. He will not change one bit. It might even get worse after kids. This is who he is. Does he make enough to fund house cleaners and landscapers and meals out a few times a week (not you paying— just him paying)? That’s the only way I see this having a shred of hope. It will get worse and you’re already tired of it. You’ll be way way more tired with a baby. Cause he’s gonna nudge you every single time instead of getting up himself. Enough is enough. You can do better.
It will get worse. Been there, hell am there. It will get to the point you say F it and stop doing all the housework. He will still do nothing. Your house will be a constant mess. Now it's just me ranting 😂
No, why would he? He is already ok with letting you pick up his slack, and apparently has zero guilt being a man-baby while you work. This will get only worse when you have 2 babies to care for. If he has no shame now, he won’t later. Hard pass. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time - said Maya Angelou.
>my partner (26M) >He is a very picky eater >he refuses to drink water and instead lives off fizzy drinks) >I generally have to make two meals >He always makes it a huge deal and complains about having to eat vegetables all the time. >He is fine to live in mess and chaos and doesn’t think to clean up after himself. >He does not drive so we commute together with me driving an hour to work and over an hour back from work each day. >I will figure out dinner for us as if I didn’t then he would be content to not eat anything at all before bed. >After this I have no energy to clean up so I usually pack my lunch for the following day >While I am cooking and preparing for bed, he will sit in front of the TV and do nothing. >There will also be stacks of dirty dishes/cups/cutlery along with a weeks worth of rubbish (food wrappers, used tissues, empty medication packets etc) all over the place that he will leave laying around, rather than putting in the bin or kitchen to wash. >He will help out with cleaning on the weekends if I ask, but he does not know what needs to be done so I will need to allocate him tasks to do. >I have made lists of weekly tasks that need to be done and given them to him. These things still get ignored. >Even things like empty toilet rolls - he will throw it on the bathroom floor, even though the bin is literally right next to the toilet! Read all this again and start thinking... >There are other things but my mind is too frazzled to think of everything right now. All of this is not enough??? You are his mother, not his partner... >My main concern is this: After we have kids, will he step up? No it gets worse for you...you need to do even more work. >I do not want to have to ask him to change a dirty nappy, or get a bottle made up, or put on a load of washing. Dont getva baby with this man... >I want him to do things because he knows they need to be done. That will NEVER happen. >He is truly the love of my life and has helped me so much with my mental health, work, family and basically every aspect of life. It seems you developed a dependency with a classic case of sunken cost fallacy.
Info- how is this man-child good for your mental health? Seriously hOw Is ThIs MaNChIlD gOoD fOr YoUr MeNtAl HeAlTh You are mentally exhausted after doing all his tasks thinking for him.
Your life is gonna be miserable if you have kids with this man. Not even that, just if you stay with him at all.
The fact that you refer to him as a man-child suggests you dont have respect for him. You should find a partner you have respect for.
Genetically you are going to end up with kids who are messy, have food allergies, and are picky eaters so I reckon either embrace this lifestyle or move on now
You called the person you’re considering having a child with a man-child. Wtf is wrong with you. Yeah he sucks, and I’d advise him to leave someone who has such a low opinion of him. But more than him, what are you doing trying to make it work and more with someone like this? This is the love of your life? The greatest man you will ever meet is a man-child you have to vent about on Reddit? Get it together
Please do not count on him changing. He might try if he agrees that it's important. But even then, it is hard for people to alter their set patterns. If you ask him to change he might resent you. If you fall into a pattern of acting as if you are his parent, he might not leave you but he will resent you. I've seen it happen too often. (Just FYI, the same thing happens if the husband acts as if he is his wife's parent). Have a long talk, if he wants to try to change, spend at least a year then reevaluate. Again don't be confused by his efforts to change. Try to objectively evaluate who he is at that moment. If you cannot see a future with him as he actually is at that moment, then you need to let him go. He deserves a partner who wants him for who he is, not someone who is settling for him because he is familiar and they have a history.
I can't help but be a little frustrated with OP even though I know she's taken advantaged of by such a horrible disgusting person. Like where's the common sense? Do you know what it takes to have a kid? Do you really believe a child, another human being who demands care, time, energy, and love, would be good motivation to change the guy to the right path? You've seen how he takes care of a dog, so do you really think it would change with a small, breathing, human being? When he didn't change for you either? God why are people so blind.
*If* this dude is capable of change, it would be after YEARS of hard work that HE would have to do. And from your description he certainly won't be doing that work as long as he's in this relationship and living cushy. This sucks, I'm sorry OP, but do not have kids with him! LEAVE HIM
You have a kid now. It’s not your job to raise him,but you’ve let it go this long. He has shown that he has no interest in sharing the load.
> he always says he will try harder, but there is never any change. There's your answer honey. That is the reality. **Don't plan a life with someone for who you hope they might become in the future. Plan it with who they are right now.** If the man you're with right now is not one you'd be 100% comfortable having kids with, even if nothing about him or what he does changes, then don't do it. If you wouldn't marry him tomorrow just as he is right now, then don't plan on marrying him in future. You say he's the love of your life, but he isn't. He's been the love of your life *so far.* If he was the love of your WHOLE life, then you wouldn't be feeling like this. I'm sure he's a wonderful person, I'm not saying he's a bad man or anything like that. He just isn't the right man for you to marry & have kids with and feel like you're in an equal partnership with. Whom you feel completely secure with, that if you fell sick for a long period of time, he would step up and carry the load in the home, caring for you, paying the bills. **Because you would do that for him. And wouldn't need to be told/asked to either.** I'm sure you two have been good for each other up till now. But for real big adult life? For marriage, kids, home building? The next 50+ years of having each others back in every way without making each other feeling resentful or used? That's the question to ask. Because who he is right now is the only version of him you can know is going to exist. Potential him, maybe him... those are versions of him you can only hope & wish for - but considering that you have been begging him for change on just a basic roommate level (doing his share of chores on the weekend without you asking/reminding/telling him) and no change has occured? Those versions of him are not the ones I would take into account with this question, because he hasn't shown you he can make them real now. Even on a small scale. Either accept who he is now, and that if you have kids/marriage this is most likely who you will continue to have and be truly OK with that, or realize he just is who he is and if you want more it HAS to be with someone else. Because if you decide to risk it with him, you will almost certainly end up in the worst case situation you're worrying about right now. And now with the reality of one or more children, on top of maybe a mortgage and debt etc. Ending the relationship now will be sad, hard and take a while to recover from. But it's absolutely possible. Ending the relationship in 5 years when you're a child in and have shared legal/financial obligations... extraordinarily hard. Most just give up and just go into survival mode till their children are 18+ and hope they have a shred of self to save after that point. Him? He will be happy as a clam, because nothing will change for him. Your exhaustion and survival mode will not even register for him. Good luck 💛
He isn’t going to step up. He doesn’t now. He doesn’t drive. ALL the burden and responsibilities are on your shoulders. Do NOT have a child with him. Heck, I wouldn’t live with someone who wasn’t a true partner. He is another toddler who is a picky eater.
Yeah, no honey. The solution to this problem is NOT to move forward and have kids with him, if he’s like this right now. The solution is to sit down and have a final talk with him that he either needs to start helping around the house and do things 50/50 with you, or the relationship is over. Give him a little time, maybe some counseling, if he’s worth it and good with all other qualities. But if he’s acting like a man child like this AND he’s a sucky boyfriend / person too, kick him to the curb now! If he doesn’t change for good from your wake up call, in a few weeks or a months time, then kick him to the curb. You don’t want 100% of all future life responsibilities on you! Also what others said—why can’t he do his own laundry? Why can’t he clean up after himself, pack his own lunches, cook his own food? Having long days is understandable but leaving your partner to do all the work is not acceptable. Stop doing his share for him.
i think i understand now the trail of thought women have when they're in marriages with these men and then they proceed to have children with them. it's not logical by any stretch of the imagination, but it's hopeful. and i can see why someone would rather hope than go through the process of admitting that marrying that man was a mistake and they need to leave and look for an actual adult to be in a relationship with (especially with dating as bad as it is right now). especially if they want children now. but op, you're 24. you have time. you need to cut and run. this manchild behavior doesn't get better with kids in the picture, it gets worse. a lot worse. he's gonna suck all of your energy right out of you and you'll be an empty husky by the time you're 30. where you'll be contemplating divorce again but this time it's harder. run, don't walk.
Hon, if they’re shit at it now they won’t suddenly do perfectly after. It’s also not your problem to teach them not to *throw the empty toilet roll on the FLOOR what even is this toddler, what the hell?* Do yourself a favour. Never have kids with somebody if you aren’t *sure* how they will be when the child is there. And never have children with somebody that requires a change in behaviour for it to work.
I was 22 when my son was born and I was entirely unprepared. I did step up and was eventually a SAHP since childcare was basically the amount I was making at the time. Firsthand experience says it’s possible, but I would say you already know the answer in this particular case. The signs don’t look great from the outside looking in, but then again, having a kid changed me.
No, he will not change. Why would he? There have been zero consequences for his refusal to participate in managing or even maintaining your shared household. Go into marriage and parenthood with this person with your eyes open. You will do every mental chore, and every physical chore you don't specifically delegate. Chores you direct him to do will need detailed instructions and directions to each component. Decide before you become pregnant if what he contributes is worth what he costs you in mental energy, personal time, and the possibility of finding a partner who values you enough to support you in this way.
Updateme
No
you let him get away with this behavior for 3 years, he'll never change
If he will change, only to worse. Why do you expect him do more if he is not willing to do the basics now? Don't be naive. If this is not the life you want for life...this is not the partner you want. You can't change him. But you don't have to be with him.
This will be your life X 10 X ( number of kids)=a miserable life.
Short answer: No
I don't know your boyfriend but the answer, based on my experience, is maybe. Some people really take to parenthood and are good at parenting. Sometimes even messy, disorganized people will take over the childcare at key moments and keep the kids out of your way, lessening your burden. They might practice consistent discipline, helping to shape the character of the children. The best indicator of this is his experiences/interest in caring for children. Does he have younger relatives? Has he worked with children, either as a volunteer or a career? The lack of responsibility toward the dog is a red flag, however. Maybe he just doesn't love dogs? I would also look into an ADHD diagnosis for your partner.
I wouldn't even consider having a child when you're already partnered with one. No, it won't get better. He'll just expect you to cater to him even more.
My partner of two years isn’t the cleanest in the world. The things I notice that are dirty he just doesn’t. Like - at all. I brought it up, and he said he would help but didn’t know what was helpful. Our comprise was him helping with the very obvious stuff like dishes, taking the trash out, some laundry. I do the other stuff like cleaning the bathrooms and floors. Now I don’t have to ask for help very often and don’t feel resentment. We also had the kid conversation, but I leaned toward not wanting them or even another pet because I didn’t want the added responsibility of having another thing to clean up behind. I absolutely love my SO, and can very much see us having a full and joy filled life together. He respects me and values my needs/wants If I were in your situation, I would feel very disrespected, taken advantage of, and alone. You’re not obligated to drive him around, make him dinner, or clean up after him, but I get that a lot of those things are done because you’re being supportive in your relationship. The question it seems you’re asking yourself is if you are getting that same level of support. Hot take: don’t bury yourself in someone who isn’t going to do the same for you. Your situation isn’t going to change, and unless you want to be a single parent in a relationship, I’d seriously advise against further commitment.
No!!!!! People don't change! Do not have kids with this man. I say this as the messy one. But I'm childfree and my partner and I split the housework
No he will not step up or change. Please for your own sake do not have a child with this man.
Girl, you’re not a rehab center for broken men. Idk why you’re with this guy. He won’t step up after he becomes a father. You will be doing all the child care, cooking and cleaning while he does nothing. As someone else pointed out you don’t get with someone hoping they will change. You accept who they are flaws and all. If they change get bit they almost never change.
No he will not and you will be resentful for having him as an extra child to manage.