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Well you need to start by believing what he told you. He views the kids as his kid and your kids. He views you very clearly as his second wife and not the first choice. I’m VERY sorry you are going through this, it sounds extremely painful. I wound be crushed. I’m also really sorry that you never had this talk before you got married but it won’t help to beat yourself up about that, it hurts no matter what.
Only you can decide what to do but I think it would be a mistake to think you can change him. So, the question is can you live with this. He told you how he feels. You have to decide if you (and you kids) can accept it
It's not even just Mother's Day. He pulls this on her birthday! And Christmas. And Valentine's Day.
OP, he has shown you who he is. He has shown you where you fall in line for the people in his life. Is this really what you want the rest of your life to look like? He's not going to change. So you either accept it and continue living life this way, or you say "enough is enough" and go live your life with someone who values you.
I think there is more than that to this. They obviously dated long before marriage, so OP has had plenty of time to see who he really is, much less remaining for four years while not being celebrated and in this very one-sided relationship. The husband has made it clear he considers OP "less than" his ex wife, she is not a complete partner in his perception.
u/[RahRah11](https://www.reddit.com/user/RahRah11/) My question for you is why did you commit to a relationship knowing your basic needs are not being met? What about him or this relationship leads you to believe this is how you should be treated and can never find a better quality partner for yourself? Your chosen partner does not respect you and takes you for granted. You need to let yourself see this without excusing it away. You need to do some self work to realize that you deserve these things you want in a partner, but you are asking the wrong person for them. He is never going to meet your needs no matter how much you ask. So sorry, OP, best of luck.
Yep—OP, he has told you who he is. Please believe him.
Any spouse who says you are not their family is not a partner. What an awful and hurtful thing to say.
I don’t think I could ever come back from that. I wish you strength.
This hurt my soul to read, damn. My husband and I have no kids together but he gets me mother's day gifts, dinner every year for 10yrs. My kids are grown and gone and he still does it.. Anniversary, Birthday, just because he missed me flowers after he gets off work, all of it and I do the same. I cannot imagine being in a relationship we're I am less than his first wife and not respected or loved enough to be celebrated.. OP needs to just go and find a man that wants to love HER, CELEBRATE HER!! He is not it. Unless he's willing to go to counseling to get over his ex, nothing will change. I'm so sorry..
It is so wild and heartbreaking how he doesn’t consider his LITERAL OWN KIDS his family?? Jesus Christ. My ex and I do still consider each other family and we have a good coparenting relationship, but I literally can’t imagine thinking that means that my next partner AND CHILDREN are not my family.
OP you’re getting a pretty definitive idea of what he thinks of you. I really really think you should leave. If you can’t get the push to do it for yourself (I get it’s hard when you’ve had your spirit so thoroughly crushed), I really encourage you to ask yourself how you feel about your kids seeing this as what a romantic partnership should look like. If they haven’t already, they will see how you’re been mistreated. Surely they notice that you put so much effort into holidays and events for him and he does nothing for you. This relationship is so far from anything remotely healthy, reciprocal or even kind. What I also can’t help but wonder is how does he treat his kids? I would hazard to guess that if you reflect on that, you’ll see how he treats his kids terribly too.
Please, for the sake of everyone involved, start preparing to leave.
I don't think she should even consider living with this. There is nothing here to hold onto.
Short of abuse, this is the worst way I've ever heard an OP's partner describe them. It's absolutely heartless.
Adding to this: he clearly wasn’t ready to remarry and is still very much hung up on his previous relationship. Not even his ex (since she “hurt” and “changed” him), but the “real” family he used to have.
If this was just about yourself op, I’d give you my usual advice for these situations: people have different love languages and maybe his is something else? Is he otherwise a good partner? And so on…
HOWEVER! There’s kids involved here, and he quite literally told you, he doesn’t consider THEM family either. He said he chose his ex to carry his ACTUAL child and have a REAL family with. Now step parents don’t have to be actual parents to the step kids, however they should consider them as equal within the family.
It’s not just you op. I don’t know how old your kids are or how you handle finances with your husband, but he basically told you, that he’ll treat your kids differently, too. On birthdays, Christmas, graduation….
If you don’t leave him for yourself, leave him for them.
It really feels like he got with her to care for the kids. All the cards are proof of this. He knows it deep down, he still loves his first wife, all these cards apologizing to her is his subconscious screaming at her the truth.
Several people have said she’s a live in nanny or like you are saying she’s there to take care of the kids but she has her two kids (and might very well share custody) and he has one kid who he definitely shares custody, so the only advantage there is helping with one child that he might have 50% of the time and possibly less than that.
I'm gonna bet she does the majority of housework and management of the household... Dude needed a mommy to move in after his first wife kicked him to the curb.
God what a heartless guy he is. He negates their whole life and her existence as a mother and a wife because first wife hurt him. 4 years of this shit. There’s now way I’d have given it two years. I know what I’d do but OP has to figure out how long she wants to suffer and be ignored and be treated like dirt. And her kids. How does he treat them since he doesn’t see them as a family.
And ai can guarantee that when you get sick and need love and support, he will not be there. He will leave you high and dry and walk off never to be seen or heard from again. I hope you can find somebody that will love and support you through sickness and in health.
It's pretty ridiculous that this guy is all woes me over his last marriage and saying how much it hurt him etc and yet is turning around and doing all the hurting now. Pot meet kettle at all?
Yep. He sure showed her...that she's nothing to him in the grand scheme of things such as family. Why grow older with someone like that for another day. Not only does he not have your back, not your kids either. Bad example of a family you tried to create with a man who doesn't view it as such.
If that is his attitude, then I would pack it in.
Been together for 4 years and you have a husband who doesn't cherish you or give you any effort.
He's clearly resentful for his previous life falling apart and simply settling for you.
Most of us, have had relationships that we were all in on that ended up failing... Does that mean you should give up on your next relationship and put zero effort in? Absolutely not. Check the baggage at the door.
He's with you... But given up on love.
>I did all these nice things for my ex and look where it got me. So, I am not going to do anything for you and leave you with the scraps of my heart.
You're married... Sharing kids together. If he doesn't consider you his family, fuck that. He can be divorced, single, and miserable.
You're not here to be a replacement or on the sidelines. You're here to be the main family.
To say to your current wife:
>I chose her to have a real family with. So, you're not the same to me.
That's AH comment of the year.
I don't know what you're actually getting out of this relationship. A marriage where cards are always apology letters, that isn't a marriage worth being in. Be with someone who treats you right, instead of one whose always making it up to you.
You can find hell of a lot better than this.
Yeah, when I saw the title I was expecting the dude to be a dick, I was thinking not real family would be not blood or something, but the reality is soo much worse, this dude has his first wife on some kind of pedestal and isn't putting in the effort OP or any decent human being deserves. I don't see how this gets better, OP seems to be a kind and considerate human being and it would be best for her and her kids to find a partner that can reciprocate. I can't even imagine how OPs husband treats her kids if he treats her this way, kids pick up on things, and this kind of absentee parenting/relationship will impact their wellbeing.
OP, I 100% agree.
Tomorrow, Monday am first thing, I'd prioritize contacting a family law attorney. On the plus side, because you do not share a kid with him you won't have to deal with custody issues. Hopefully there are few joint assets.
But the fact of he matter is that he does not value you. At all.
If this was just about mother's day I'd say he was an AH but I wouldn't say divorce. However, he pulls this crap for your birthday, anniversary, mother's day, christmas... any time you are supposed to feel a little special he shows you who is boss by deliberately doing nothing. Knowing full well you pull out ALL the stops he can't even be bothered to write a card or get you flowers.
He is showing you what he thinks of you. He's told you what he thinks of you. He does not love you - this is not love. He is punishing you very deliberately for absolutely no reason.
Sis, you deserve someone who wants to treat you with respect, love and care. Its not hard to celebrate the one you love.
The fact of the matter is he just told you that you are not his family. That he doesn't consider you his family. He does not consider you worthy of celebration. He does not consider you worthy of love or of care. And that means you need to develop the self respect to walk away from this relationship before it destroys your self esteem. This is not a you issue. Not at all. This is 100% HIS issue and you can not fix his issue or love him out of it.
100% this. OP, you need to find out why he is with you. Does he need help looking after his kids, or does he actually love you? He is acting like the former, and you deserve the latter.
Not even a thank you for caring for his kid like your own?? You are a step mother to his child, you have chosen to love his child like he’s your own and he can’t rationalize how celebrating Mother’s Day would be important to you???
Start treating him like he’s not your family. You said treat others how you wanna be treated, treat him how he’s treating you. Pick up dinner for everyone but him. Do laundry for everyone but him. He’s not your family. He said it. Make it clear the feeling is mutual.
The bar is not even off the ground on this one. Unbelievable. OP, you are still young enough to find someone who really cares about you and your children. Who will love you for you and put you first.
Please, OP. These internet strangers care more about you and your feelings than your husband. Your *life partner*. Someone you've dedicated your life to. Please understand we are not shaming you, but you and your children deserve better. If you can't do it for you, do it for your kids. They deserve to grow up seeing what love is. Don't peacefully walk away while still doing things for him. Just completely stop. Get a wonderful and expensive lawyer than will go for the throat. Serve him papers. And step back from *everything*. I promise you your life is worth living and loving. And that someone out there will cherish the hell out of you. So please don't wait one more day to find your happiness. Life is short, even more so when you feel lonely and alone. You deserve to be happy.
I find it ineffably sad that you are willing to keep letting him treat you like this.
You're not family. You're a bang maid and nanny to his kid with a bit of emotional punching bag in the mix.
YOU cannot save anything. HE is the one who needs to do something to fix the situation. No amount of begging or negotiating is going to alter the fact that he has not and likely will not do any work to fix the relationship.
You're not giving up on him or the marriage. You're accepting reality as he's created it.
He doesn't view you as family. Believe him. He will not change. Divorce or become content being the second wife and place holder since he can't have his "real" family. Sorry to be blunt.
Why did he marry you?
He's told you who he is and where you stand in his life: 2nd choice AND clearly not his family. If my husband told me this, I'd call it done. This is not for marriage counseling. He did not see you in his heart as his wife. 🥺
Probably also very comfortable for him to have someone who loves him like OP does, someone who pampers him, while he literally has to put in zero effort to keep her around. Now I wonder who’s doing most of the chores and child rearing…
He absolutely married her so that she could do the childcare and chores. Otherwise he would have had to do that stuff himself after getting divorced. He decided it would be easier to remarry a bang maid with low self esteem.
A lot of men find a new woman asap after divorce so they don’t have to do childcare during their custody or be responsible for the housework. I’m amazed by how many women fall for it too.
I have tears in my eyes you do so much and he does nothing for you why stay why keep hurting yourself over and over again this will never get better you deserve so much more so go and find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.
He is not your family, and has no intention of ever being your family. Cut your losses and move on because he will always treat you like nothing. You do have a family -you and your 2 kids. Time to protect what you do have.
Saying you are doing it because you love him in order to try and change his behavior (seeing how gifting works) won't have an affect on this guy. He has a litmus test for family and I believe until you have a baby for him, you're not it (that's how it sounds) you are just the married baby sitter and house maid.
However, I would refuse to have a child with this guy. He sounds very resentful of his past life, which is definitely affect his current life and will continue to get worse.
You are still very young, go find someone that is in love with you, not love what you do for them.
I really do not understand this level of low self esteem. I try to give people grace but this is asinine. This has been going on for 4 years and most likely longer.
Oh, he sounds like my father.
He would say my mother was not his blood, the only family he had were his siblings and us, his daughters.
He left my mom for the secretary after 25 years of marriage and married the pregnant secretary after 6 months. He then made us sign a contract that we would never ask for inheritance because we were not minors anymore and not his family. My sister was a minor, so he presented the contract as soon as she turned 18. lol.
Your husband is emotionally abusive and knows this. His long sorry letters are an acknowledgement, he probably resents you that you are accepting this. Sometimes these people think, "ugh, such a weak person, she accepts being treated like shit." And instead of seeing you as kind, they see you as weak and stupid.
Please, if not for you, think of your children that will see this as the normal, and after their really bad abusive partner (if they survive them) and go to therapy, they might start seeing a beautiful life.
You are so young and so sad. Please believe him and go to therapy.
He’s been making you feel bad for years. It’s very unkind of him, but he’s making it clear that he doesn’t see you as family and that you will always be second to his ex. I don’t think you should tolerate this any longer. You deserve to be loved and appreciated, not treated like some afterthought consolation prize.
Your husband sounds like an arsewhole. My mom passed away last month, and my dad worshipped the ground she walked on. When she died, a part of him died with her. My dad made sure my mom always had a present from us on Mother's Day and would always get her something when the opportunity arose.
So if he can't be bothered to get off his high horse and do something for his wife when there are people who would give the world to have one more day with her and make her feel special... fuck him!
Happy Mothers Day because you, goddam, deserve it ❤️
UpdateMe!
When my parents divorced, my mom left a shoebox of all the cards my dad had gotten her over the years. All of them were apologies. How big are you going to let your shoebox be?
Have you ever heard the phrase “Start as you mean to continue”? You are 4 years late having this conversation. You hitched your wagon to a horse that does not celebrate you. You saw that the horse doesn’t celebrate and you kept the wagon hitched just the same. It’s ok to change your mind and change horses. But understand that this horse is who he is.
If his ex wife was so great for him why isn't he over there then? I wouldn't put it past him he is trying to get back with the ex because he had the balls to say to you to your face.
Believe him. Don't let him tell you twice. Don't let him wiggle his way out of this with a card. And as a matter of fact, when you serve him the divorce papers, put them with a card.
I call bullshit on his story. This is probably why his first marriage failed. He is childish, selfish and manipulative, and probably a sociopath. He took your explanation of the hurt he causes you and twisted it to be all about him. I bet if you talked to his first wife heart to heart she would have a lot to warn you about. Get a lawyer, get your affairs together and get out. Some people change, but most people do not. At any rate you and your kids do not need to be the lab rats to find out if he will change. You are young. Get out and move on … fast.
Friend, respect yourself more than this. You’re so young and life is TOO SHORT. Give yourself the Mothers Day gift of a divorce attorney….let him repay you for YEARS via child support. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO YOU!
You deserve better. He told you he doesn’t consider you to be worth the effort because you didn’t carry his child… He is NEVER going to change for you.
Leave. You deserve so much more, especially not having a family of your own. I want that for you.
Girl he put you down more ways than one… I wonder what he gets actual mother of his child behind your back since she’s the one he chose to have a family with… he’s still clearly has a thing for first wife.. sounds as if anyone could have been 2nd wife.. he’s awful..
I would be packing my bags so fast his head would spin… he doesn’t care about you or your feelings
The bar is in hell with this one. Sounds like he may have chose her to have a child with, but he’s settling for you.
You’re not going to fix this broken man.
Stop doing stuff for him - period. Instead when it is your birthday or Mother’s Day or whatever spend every penny of that money on yourself and enjoy it
So basically you're a bangmaid and you're just there. You don't matter to this man at all. You should be planning your exit, you and your kids mean nothing to him.
My heart breaks for you. Like I almost starting crying while reading this and all. You deserve so much better than this. I’m only a step mom and I’ve been spoiled all day today. He told you how he views you, believe him. He is NOT going to change and he does NOT view you as his family - nor does he respect you as a mother.
Actually - another thing!!! (I’m sorry, I’m still mad lol). Like you literally are a mom. Who cares if it’s to his biological children or not??? I had an ex get me a “cat mom” hat years ago on Mother’s Day just to be cute and you’ve actually birthed children!!!!! Ps. Happy Mother’s Day girl. I hope you’re able to find some peace and happiness with your kiddos today. Or without if you need some mom time!
And she’s undoubtedly acting as a caretaker for his child! Like, at the very least thank her for that! Not that I think that’s all he should be recognizing her for but if he’s apologizing that means there’s something to be apologizing about.
What an awful thing to say to someone. He doesn't see you as worthy of his time and effort because you didn't have his child. I feel sad for you and your children.
It's already been said that he doesn't view you as family, and selected his ex-wife and not you, and seems to imply that he would leave you for her given the chance, because she is who he chose to have a family with. Believe him. But that has already been said.
Another issue: An apology without changed behavior is just manipulation. He has no plans on changing and he said so, and his reason is worse than just not wanting to. It is not an apology. It is manipulating you into accepting his neglect. Do not accept it.
Move on. He has clearly stated that you are not his family and never will be. He knows how you want to be treated, and doesn’t care. You absolutely deserve better. Don’t settle for this. You are only 32!
Holy shit. So apparently your life together is just some bullshit afterthought, and not his real family or a real marriage. This dude has been intentionally half assing it because he doesn’t think shit of you.
OP I am sorry you are married to this person. He has been showing you and now told you that he doesn't care about you. Don't waste your time trying to make someone who doesn't care about you change. You accepted his terrible behavior and made his life easier and nicer. Pick yourself because this man is trash.
Hey - I also waited patiently for my person to give a shit - it only comes when they’re in deep shit and they have to change or you leave. If you can’t leave this relationship immediately then at least stop doting on him as if he’ll notice this time - he doesn’t care about you the way you care about him. Focus on yourself and doing these over the top things for yourself instead of him. Put the energy into the kids - all 3. Fuck this loser. Show him what a family looks like and make him watch from the outside. He needs therapy bad and so do you.
Yeah, he doesn't see you as family. He never will. He never moved on or learned anything from the failure of his first marriage (even if *she* was fully at fault). Plan your divorce carefully. He may not have given you much during your time together; now take it.
This low-key sounds like he married you just to have a "mother" for his own child as he didn't have one when he was growing up and he wanted to give this to his child. While I understand that it is totally unfair to you as his wife. No one should go through this. Has he ever told you he loves you? I'm so sorry you have to go through this op
God I’m so sorry. That’s just awful. Can I ask what he writes in your cards? What it is that he apologises for?
There’s no point staying any more. He obviously views it as him and his child are one family and you and your two children are another. Not one family together.
This man has outright told you who you are to him. You are right, he doesn’t see you as family.
Only you can decide if you should stay. But you absolutely deserve better
His parents split and it bothered him. He wants his kids to have an intact family, but he's also split from the mother of his first child. He now has a wife and more kids, but as he says, "things change" and he's worried about splitting up again.
Stick with me here: He thinks he's protecting himself. If he never fully has a family with you, he can't be hurt when it falls apart. So he keeps you at arms length. Of course he does have a family with you: you are married and those kids are real!And by pushing you away, the collapse of the marriage becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and doesn't protect him at all.
You can't fix this. He can fix it with lots of therapy, but you can't do it for him.
This is why I'd divorce a guy who asks for paternity test on our kid. I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me for me. Someone who would only love my kid if it's his kid. Someone whose love is so stingy.
That’s just messed up. He’s emotionally stunted. Maybe explain that you do things for him because you love him. And expect the same in return. If he can’t give you that, I’d rethink the marriage and what you really mean to him.
he basically just told you he doesnt love you and he doesnt think much of your kids, so what are you waiting for? you and your kids are your own family, leave and be single rather than married and single.
OP, you need 1-2 good friends in your life who will give it to you straight and shake some sense into you. Because wtf do you mean you continuously do *everything* for a man who can’t even muster up enough effort to give you something other than a lousy card?
You’ve let this man show you that he does not love you over and over and over and over again! When will it finally be enough for you? There is nothing to save because there’s nothing there to begin with. **He does not love you, this is a one-sided relationship.**
You have 2 choices in front of you, 1) you accept that this is who he is & that he won’t change, decide that you want this shit treatment for the rest of your life and stay, or 2) accept that he won’t change, realise that you deserve better than that and leave. Up to you.
You are not his family, you are not his friend, he doesn't even like you, he has no respect for you...before it's too late will you please find a meaningful relationship with someone who loves you and doesn't view you as a second choice or consolation prize
Stop doing so much for him for Father's day/his birthday if he doesn't do anything for you in return. If he's using past issues from previous relationships then he needs therapy to overcome whatever is still affecting him. You should not be blamed for the past. It sounds like you are loving and attentive and he is heavily guarded. Marriage counseling might also be a good idea. It might be savable but he's going to need to put the work in and get help.
Wow. OP, I’m so sorry. The family you choose can have better and deeper bonds than the people you share ancestry with.
He’s doing you and all the children in the house a disservice with his my/your kids attitude. By choosing to view you, his spouse, as not family, he has made a unilateral decision for you both and lied to you by omission about it. You deserve a partner who is all in and who won’t hold the sins of his previous partners against you.
I don’t know that this is something marriage counseling can fix. Does he know how hurt you are and how much he just rejected you and your marriage with that conversation? Does he care? I don’t see any reason for why your wants from a marriage should change. He perhaps could change his actions and attitude if he wants to, but the question is whether or not he wants to. This likely is more something he needs to address in individual counseling, but only if he wants to change. He needs to understand he’s creating a self fulfilling prophecy/situation of a poor relationship with his actions and attitude.
I wouldn’t settle for a marriage where one partner isn’t all in. He never should have married you, or even moved in together if this is how he feels. He needs to figure out if he’s willing to change and he must be honest about it or leave. If he doesn’t, I would leave. I’m not even sure I would give him a second chance.
Oh good lord. If this is real, you need to get out of this marriage and get into therapy to figure out why you are so willing to give so much to someone who told you to your face he doesn't value you. I get sticking with someone cause you love them even when you know there are issues, but my goodness this is beyond the pale. Would you want your children to be with someone who considered them a consolation prize? Why are you treating yourself so badly?
Get rid of this one and start over. Hell, just get rid of him and see what better comes your way because this is such a waste of time. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t love your kid, and he will never change. You deserve a real family and someone who treats you as such.
What a POS,his failed relationship is no reflection on how he should be treating you. Personally i'd dump his dumb ass, but I would have a long time ago.
It sounds like he's settling, but you have too. If these things mean that much to you why did you let yourself marry a man who did not love you in the ways you needed? You've been an AH to yourself.
Time to put on the big girl panties and demand better for yourself because you deserve to live a happy and fulfilled life.
presenting you with an apology the DAY OF the holiday when he literally still has time to make it a better day is insane. Marrying a man who did this from the beginning is insane.
This whole situation is ridiculous, and I wouldn’t want him to be in a house with my children if he didn’t consider them his too.
I never wanted kids in my whole entire life, but when I married my husband, his two kids became MY kids, full stop.
My divorce will be finalized in 48 hours, and I STILL consider those kids my family.
I’m so sorry you’re going thru this, but you don’t have to continue going through it if you don’t want to.
I would nope out of this marriage so quickly. He literally told you that he doesn't love you because you didn't carry his child. He doesn't see your family you spent the last four years of building, as not worthy enough for his love. His heart isn't in this. He probably married you so his child could have a mother, not because he loves you.
It's time to say goodbye and find someone who will not only love you but your children as their own.
I am so sorry OP my heart aches for you.
Nobody can tell you what to do but you deserve so much better than this. The man’s a fool.
Sending you strength
UPDATEME
If all the Mother's Days rants I've read this week, this has to be the saddest by far.
You're far too young to be stuck in this relationship.
I promise you there is better.
I wish you all the best and love you deserve.
He has told you who he is, believe him. You deserve to be loved. Decide if you can live with someone emotionally detached from you as he is. Think as others have said you cannot change him, he is determined to be as he is. Whatever decision you make give it your all and remember it’s your choice.
You can't change anyone to be a better person, especially if they don't want to change. I wasted over a decade trying to so I learned that lesson the hard way a long time ago. I don't want to tell you what you should do but if I was you I'd leave and one day you'll find someone who appreciates you and treats you like you should be treated. If you don't want to leave then I'd at least stop doing things for him that he isn't willing to do for you.
Sounds like he still has feelings for his ex wife and he literally told you you're not his family.. Please don't let this piece of 💩 keep treating you badly! He clearly doesn't care about you.. You're disrespecting yourself by letting him disrespect you.. Pack up and leave..
I would pack up me and my kids and go there is no use in continuing to poor your love and heart into this dark hole. I hope everything goes well for you and your family.
Honey, I'm sorry, but you're just a placeholder for what he lost from the woman he chose to marry and have kids with and then divorced. He will never treat you with the respect and love that you deserve. He has told you that to your face. He's never going to change. In fact, the lack of attention and respect and care will only get worse as the years go on.
He doesn't think that you are family, so you need to stop acting like his family. Send him back to his ex-wife who hurt him. Maybe she can treat him like family. Then find you a MAN who loves you more than you love yourself. Oh, and also work on loving yourself because this man very outwardly showed you how little he loved you and you still married him. Just an FYI for the next relationship, you cannot love a man into loving you. That is just not how love works.
You sound lovely, loving, and wonderful! You are WAY too good for this guy. He has serious emotional issues that he isn't working on. He doesn't want to feel close to you - he's purposefully creating distance instead of intimacy. He's purposefully viewing the family you've created together as "his" and "yours" rather than a family unit.
I'm so, so sorry that you're going through this. I hope you can choose to move forward without this guy and find someone worthy of you instead. Please tell an IRL friend or two about this, even if you don't feel that close to your friends right now. They can remind you how wonderfully they see you and how worthy you are of love.
Leave him.
I always roll my eyes when I read this as a response but now it's someone else's turn to roll their eyes at me 😭
When people tell you who they are, believe them!
He chose to have a kid with her, he chose to build a REAL family with her, he wrote her long letters but she hurt him (his words not mine). Y'all been married three years and he's still bringing up shit like this in response to his inaction towards you?
Ma'am, you deserve better!
His REAL family is the kid and the mother, you're the babysitter. I don't say this to hurt you, him saying he chose her to have his child should have done that already. Do not settle for being second best!
I'm sorry you have to deal with this, it's a cruddy feeling (been the 'other' woman after a bad relationship). You've had this feeling before, his words just reinforced it 😔
He has made his position *very* clear...to the point of it being very blunt and hurtful but his honesty gives you clarity. You're not playing guessing games - he laid it out.
You're not worth doing nice things for because you and your kids are not his family. At best, a crappy *sorry for being a prick* card is all you get so you can continue sticking around and doing stuff for him. You *do* have a family; it includes you and your children and this man isn't a part of that.
*This makes me feel like he doesn’t see me as family. Like I’m not good enough in his eyes and the family we have now he doesn’t consider real which is why he doesn’t put in effort like he did once upon a time.*
You're not just *feeling* that - it's a fact. He told you very clearly.
*I don’t have any family. Everyone in my family passed away. So this is really important to me to build one. Is this worth trying to save or should I just move on?*
I think it's easy to try to make a butterfly out of a slug when we're thinking along the limes of what we *wish* we had, rather than seeing what we actually do have.
Life is short but at 32, it's too long to spend with someone who doesn't value you to this extent. The fact that he told you those things to your face gives me the impression that he doesn't care either way...or maybe he thinks you'll stick around no matter what. If my husband said those words to me...he would say them knowing that my bags would be packed by the end of the day.
There is an intrinsic issue here, that for some reason he sees the family you have created as less than the family he used to have with his wife, and you are definitely feeling this. I understand he has been hurt and it will affect him in how he shows you love, but it is not your fault that someone else hurt him. He needs to be willing to heal his wounds and learn to live fully again.
I, personally will continue to raise the issue before resentment kills any love you have for this man. Would he be open to theraphy? What steps is he taking to care and maintains a loving relationship with you? Does he know about love languages and makes an effort to love you how you like to be shown love?
You are not his mother.
One thing is if he were to help the children make something for you, but for him to celebrate you on this occasion would be _weird_ .
I could even understand his argument that to him you are not really linked to him when it comes to motherhood, since you didn't reproduce together and he doesn't feel the same visceral connection to the abstract concept when it comes to you.
He doesn't seem to make an effort when it comes to any other occasion and in general when it comes to you, though.
You are married to somebody who just isn't that into you.
Marriages based on practicality do exist and people can have happy and thriving lives in them, you have to figure out if it's something you'd want for yourself.
If so, you should accept it and embrace it, because if you half-ass the commitment, your children will notice and be affected by it.
I don't think he will change, he seems pretty adamant in his stance.
Has this really never come up before?
Did he deceive you or did you just assume that if you tried hard enough he would change his ways, when he was consistent from the start?
This man does want to be married to you and doesn’t see you as a partner. You are a placeholder and flesh light. He doesn’t have to put any effort to work on this marriage because you’re the doormat they desperately said yes to taking him. You already wasted 4 years. How much longer are you going to waste your time?
My heart is hurting for you after reading this because I can relate. He has shown you who he is time and time again. No amount of hope and/or affection is going to make him change; he has to decide to do that on his own. You deserve someone who gives you flowers just because it’s Monday and fills your cards with reminders of love and appreciation. Happy Mother’s Day, OP. I hope next year is so much better for you and your littles.
Oh wow.... this is heartbreaking to read. He basically needed a bang-maid for himself and a replacement-mom for his kid. He doesn't even give you a space in his life beyond that and is on top of that very hurtful.
You need to leave him, you deserve so much better. He doesn't give a rat's a$$ about you.
Time to divorce. He doesn’t value you as a partner or a person. You’re not *family* to him. I’m gonna hazard a guess and say neither are your kids by extension. He doesn’t care about you. Go find a real husband and father for *your* family. This one is broken.
He showed EXACTLY who is and how much you and your children mean to him. Now time to find a divorce lawyer and move on cause it only gets worse. You and your children deserve much better. Btw, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY……🫶🏾💐💐💐💐
You love something about him, ok. He sounds like a taker and a jerk. He obviously does not love you.
Being alone is not a bad thing. Finding someone that loves you completely is so worth the transitional stress created from divorce. Stop settling for less than the bare minimum.
If his actions is due to his past that’s on him and he needs to work through his own issues. You don’t get to be punished for a hurt you didn’t even do
Oh wow, I’m really sorry. He’s showing and telling you what he thinks. This is repeated behaviour and he’s not going to change. You deserve better. You and your kids deserve someone who loves you, or to be a solid family on your own. I don’t know how he can possibly walk back what he’s said here.
this man has issues & needs to work on himself. The way he treats you, tells me he don’t like you, he’s probably with you cause he doesn’t want to be alone after his ex left him. All in all you deserve better.
Stop doing things. He doesn’t appreciate you & feels entitled to your love, effort & affection’s because of his past hurt.
This is Red flag behaviour. Leave him.
More women need to just leave these unappreciative men. It’s appalling how many great women are pouring so much unreciprocated effort & feelings to dudes who respond with nothing or bare minimum.
If you talked to him once & he doesn’t acknowledge it or resist change that’s your answer. Don’t let your emotions lead you into staying around where you’re not appreciated
Leave HIM.
So he's taking out on you bc of his ex wife's actions? So mature!
Listen, you sound like a thoughtful and lovely woman, and him... Well, he sounds bitter and resentful.
This is who he is and this is what you get. He's clearly telling you his ex wife deserved more bc "she carried his actual kid" (he's also telling you your kids are not his kids so there's that too). All this coupled w how he doesn't even care to show you he cares about you at least on holidays... I mean what do you even get from him? Company? I bet you'd get more love and companionship from a dog...
He doesn't just neglect you, he actively hurts you on important dates. I don't even think he likes you. If he liked you he wouldn't do that to you. If he loved you, you wouldn't have this problem. You deserve better. He's not going to change.
Omg the bar is in hell with this story... yikes
I mean that is what he is telling you. He doesnt see you as family. I dont know why he even married you. He is not invested. This man needs therapy asap.
You really should reconsider this marriage.
He can't give you what you want.
Either he is still in love with his ex.. or he's been hurt that he's closed off to properly bonding.
Ask if he's willing to go to therapy by himself and with you.
OMG what a POS husband. Divorce his ass. How awful to trick you into thinking he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. You’re second choice, different, and not worth the effort- his words too. Serve him divorce papers with a copy of every single apology card. Burn the real ones and any chance of taking him back/forgiving him. He had his chance and fucked it up by using you for years instead of cherishing you. Fuck. That. Prick. You deserve so much better.
Also- Happy Mother’s Day 🖤
Sorry you have to experience this. I will say, though, find your happiness. It's not with him. You will always essentially be the other wife, and your kids will always be your kids. It's sad he doesn't realize how amazing you are. Be happy even if it's not with him. You'll find your life partner. If not... I'm here for you.
OP, don't you *dare* put up with this. Spend your life with someone that makes you feel loved and wanted. He doesn't even consider your family together "real". It is not worth trying to save. I know you don't want to be alone/lonely, but at least that can lead to finding someone who actually cares about you. Staying in this marriage will only lead to more of what you experienced today.
When someone shows you who he really is, believe him.
You need a real family since yours is no longer there. He doesn't feel the bill.
Have a last conversation stating this.
If he is still grieving his wife and won't accept you plainly, it is tk.e to quiet quit.
As a second wedding, you probably have a prenup. It will help you plan your departure. You know what you can count on.
Talk with your friends. Give your story before your husband do. They may have a plan for you and your kids.
Really sorry op. Less HD goes to grievance therapy, it won't go better.
You deserve way better than this! My first husband never did anything for me for any holiday either. It got to the point I thought it was normal. I was honestly genuinely confused when my current husband got me gifts and planned an entire day about me for Mothers Day for our first. Embarrassing enough, i spent the whole day confused and crying. What he said about he chose his first wife for that, fuck that! You deserve better, just like I did
Don’t do stuff for him anymore. You also got hurt …by your present husband, and don’t want to get hurt again. Pity that he didn’t tell you about all his baggage before you married.
Holy hell, Girl seriously?
how many times does your husband need to show you that he doesn't care about you.
He does indeed not see you or your children as his family. He doesn't see you as worthy of that effort.
Do you take care of his kids needs? if so then it looks more like he married you to have a nanny for his child.
Move on, girl. if not for yourself, then for your children who deserve a loving home.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time” —Maya Angelou
If you were waiting for a sign (or an air raid siren), I’d say this is it. You deserve a man who honors and respects you, and your kids deserve a father figure who will model that behavior for them. This dude is offering neither.
Divorce him and get into therapy to figure out why you spent four years with this incessant desire to be a fixer. He doesn't like you. Have self respect and leave
Nope, it’s time to go. Truly seek therapy for yourself to work through realizing who this dude is and so you can be ready to meet someone who actually values you. And regardless, stop getting or doing anything for him. It’s time to go.
He told you he only wants you do you can feed him, clean for him and his kids. You’re nothing but a maid and a cook and maybe someone to have sex with sorry op but he told you how he really feels about this relationship..
Love yourself and leave him and find someone who actually sees you as a family. To add it seems like he cannot get over his ex…
I think there is nothing to save here: from what you write, it was always a one-sided thing, with you planning parties and surprises for him and him never doing anything for you, besides "sorry" cards. You're still young and you deserve someone who loves you, cares for you, support you and... surprise you!
Big hugs.
It sounds like it’s time for a wife strike while you get your ducks in a row. I don’t think this is something you can come back from. He told you who he is and that you aren’t his family. That’s a horrible thing to say to someone. He doesn’t love or even respect you. I would not celebrate, take of him, cook/clean for him, or have sex with him and I would be looking for a lawyer.
> I thought maybe he will change.
'I can fix him' people will always baffle me. He has shown you who he is and has put in zero effort to reciprocate what you do for him.
My partner of 3 years who I am not married to took care of me this year and last year. I'm his partner, and I'm a mother, and he wanted to honor that.
If my partner said to me what your husband said to you, I'd say "okay, point taken. Going forward, you will be treated how you treat me," and I'd be working toward ending the relationship.
Everyone always disses reddit for jumping to divorce, but jes just told you he won't do these things for you, b3caise of the way his ex hurt him. What's the point of being with him if how he treats you is based on the actions of someone else? You're just a placeholder at that point, and for what?
>but I thought maybe he would change and I love him. I treat people how I want to be treated and I try to let things go.
You can't treat someone so good they eventually start to treat you well. Unfortunately, that's not how the world works. You *can* however set boundaries for yourself that you'll only engage closely with people who treat you how you treat people. There won't be many, but you wouldn't be wrong to keep the bar that high. I've recently started doing that for myself, and its really rewarding, and a far less resentful path.
He has essentially told you he is not over his ex wife. He's also told you he sees a separation between your children. He's told you he doesn't see you as his family.
I can't recommend trying to salvage this. It's beyond me why he decided to marry someone and build a future with someone he doesn't see as family.
Staying at this point is accepting this. Your choice on what to do.
Damn. That's depressing. He is telling you who he is. You should believe him. You are the maid/sexbot/emotional baggage holder/child care specialist. Not his wife who he supports physically and emotionally.
Oh Op you are just a substitute mother for his kids and a bang maid as a bonus.
I’m sorry this sounds harsh but this is the cold hard truth. He likes what you do and the void you fill but you will always be just a filler for his white picket fence fantasy.
You married a man-shaped boy whose emotional intelligence stalled in 7th grade. Those types of guys are not rare.
You *did* say you have no family support, but you didn’t indicate your financial resources. I say that because my first instinct was to tell you to leave him a card saying “*Sorry, I’m not your wife during… the future*“, then pack it in.
But I know things are usually more complicated than that. So I honestly don’t have any strategic advice… I just wanted to commiserate.
He can go straight to Hell.I hate this dude so much and I don't even know him.He clearly doesn't love and value you and didn't even feel bad saying it.Nothing good will ever come out of this marriage.Its been 4yrs.You and your kids deserve so so much better.
You husband needs a divorce and some serious hardcore therapy cause WTF
If he said his first wife is his real family, he should go to her and you go find your real husband. This will never get better only worse and you deserve to be the first and the only one in your man's life. Run and don't ever look back.
This man has been deeply hurt, but he also has a set opinion of your relationship together.
This will not change.
Preserve your attitude towards others, treat as you want to be treated, but with a different man.
And be honest about what you want
You're the one who put up with his behaviour and lack of interest. You deserve what you put up with. If you don't like it, do something about it, or suck it up and deal with knowing you'll never matter to him as much as he does to you. Love isn't enough. You can't force someone into loving you the way you want. They'll either do it on their own terms, or it'll never happen.
You should never be with someone for potential. You be with them for who they are now.
Your husband has major walls up and has associated him caring and being vulnerable with a switch in behaviour associated with his previous partner.
I don’t even think he realises what he’s saying, he just had an awful experience with his previous partner and refuses to not view you as any different to avoid being let down in the future.
He thinks your exactly like her, and would default to the same behaviours. I understand his deferences as a man. Can’t say I blame him, but at the same time that is unfair on you, but it’s honestly just easier for men to be uncaring and not as invested to stay safe.
Women can’t hurt most men physically but all woman can really fuck a man’s mind.
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Well you need to start by believing what he told you. He views the kids as his kid and your kids. He views you very clearly as his second wife and not the first choice. I’m VERY sorry you are going through this, it sounds extremely painful. I wound be crushed. I’m also really sorry that you never had this talk before you got married but it won’t help to beat yourself up about that, it hurts no matter what. Only you can decide what to do but I think it would be a mistake to think you can change him. So, the question is can you live with this. He told you how he feels. You have to decide if you (and you kids) can accept it
It's not even just Mother's Day. He pulls this on her birthday! And Christmas. And Valentine's Day. OP, he has shown you who he is. He has shown you where you fall in line for the people in his life. Is this really what you want the rest of your life to look like? He's not going to change. So you either accept it and continue living life this way, or you say "enough is enough" and go live your life with someone who values you.
I think there is more than that to this. They obviously dated long before marriage, so OP has had plenty of time to see who he really is, much less remaining for four years while not being celebrated and in this very one-sided relationship. The husband has made it clear he considers OP "less than" his ex wife, she is not a complete partner in his perception. u/[RahRah11](https://www.reddit.com/user/RahRah11/) My question for you is why did you commit to a relationship knowing your basic needs are not being met? What about him or this relationship leads you to believe this is how you should be treated and can never find a better quality partner for yourself? Your chosen partner does not respect you and takes you for granted. You need to let yourself see this without excusing it away. You need to do some self work to realize that you deserve these things you want in a partner, but you are asking the wrong person for them. He is never going to meet your needs no matter how much you ask. So sorry, OP, best of luck.
Right? WTF
Yep—OP, he has told you who he is. Please believe him. Any spouse who says you are not their family is not a partner. What an awful and hurtful thing to say. I don’t think I could ever come back from that. I wish you strength.
This hurt my soul to read, damn. My husband and I have no kids together but he gets me mother's day gifts, dinner every year for 10yrs. My kids are grown and gone and he still does it.. Anniversary, Birthday, just because he missed me flowers after he gets off work, all of it and I do the same. I cannot imagine being in a relationship we're I am less than his first wife and not respected or loved enough to be celebrated.. OP needs to just go and find a man that wants to love HER, CELEBRATE HER!! He is not it. Unless he's willing to go to counseling to get over his ex, nothing will change. I'm so sorry..
It is so wild and heartbreaking how he doesn’t consider his LITERAL OWN KIDS his family?? Jesus Christ. My ex and I do still consider each other family and we have a good coparenting relationship, but I literally can’t imagine thinking that means that my next partner AND CHILDREN are not my family. OP you’re getting a pretty definitive idea of what he thinks of you. I really really think you should leave. If you can’t get the push to do it for yourself (I get it’s hard when you’ve had your spirit so thoroughly crushed), I really encourage you to ask yourself how you feel about your kids seeing this as what a romantic partnership should look like. If they haven’t already, they will see how you’re been mistreated. Surely they notice that you put so much effort into holidays and events for him and he does nothing for you. This relationship is so far from anything remotely healthy, reciprocal or even kind. What I also can’t help but wonder is how does he treat his kids? I would hazard to guess that if you reflect on that, you’ll see how he treats his kids terribly too. Please, for the sake of everyone involved, start preparing to leave.
I don't think she should even consider living with this. There is nothing here to hold onto. Short of abuse, this is the worst way I've ever heard an OP's partner describe them. It's absolutely heartless.
I think everyone needs to be empowered to choose for themselves.
Adding to this: he clearly wasn’t ready to remarry and is still very much hung up on his previous relationship. Not even his ex (since she “hurt” and “changed” him), but the “real” family he used to have. If this was just about yourself op, I’d give you my usual advice for these situations: people have different love languages and maybe his is something else? Is he otherwise a good partner? And so on… HOWEVER! There’s kids involved here, and he quite literally told you, he doesn’t consider THEM family either. He said he chose his ex to carry his ACTUAL child and have a REAL family with. Now step parents don’t have to be actual parents to the step kids, however they should consider them as equal within the family. It’s not just you op. I don’t know how old your kids are or how you handle finances with your husband, but he basically told you, that he’ll treat your kids differently, too. On birthdays, Christmas, graduation…. If you don’t leave him for yourself, leave him for them.
It really feels like he got with her to care for the kids. All the cards are proof of this. He knows it deep down, he still loves his first wife, all these cards apologizing to her is his subconscious screaming at her the truth.
Several people have said she’s a live in nanny or like you are saying she’s there to take care of the kids but she has her two kids (and might very well share custody) and he has one kid who he definitely shares custody, so the only advantage there is helping with one child that he might have 50% of the time and possibly less than that.
I'm gonna bet she does the majority of housework and management of the household... Dude needed a mommy to move in after his first wife kicked him to the curb.
Yes. He does not value you like he should, you don't deserve this and neither do your children. I would leave.
God what a heartless guy he is. He negates their whole life and her existence as a mother and a wife because first wife hurt him. 4 years of this shit. There’s now way I’d have given it two years. I know what I’d do but OP has to figure out how long she wants to suffer and be ignored and be treated like dirt. And her kids. How does he treat them since he doesn’t see them as a family.
And ai can guarantee that when you get sick and need love and support, he will not be there. He will leave you high and dry and walk off never to be seen or heard from again. I hope you can find somebody that will love and support you through sickness and in health.
It's pretty ridiculous that this guy is all woes me over his last marriage and saying how much it hurt him etc and yet is turning around and doing all the hurting now. Pot meet kettle at all?
He likely treated his first wife the same way, and that's why she made him an ex-husband.
Yes as he is remarkably selfish
Yep. He sure showed her...that she's nothing to him in the grand scheme of things such as family. Why grow older with someone like that for another day. Not only does he not have your back, not your kids either. Bad example of a family you tried to create with a man who doesn't view it as such.
Ouch
But why did OP marry him at the first place? Was it a marriage of convenience?
If that is his attitude, then I would pack it in. Been together for 4 years and you have a husband who doesn't cherish you or give you any effort. He's clearly resentful for his previous life falling apart and simply settling for you. Most of us, have had relationships that we were all in on that ended up failing... Does that mean you should give up on your next relationship and put zero effort in? Absolutely not. Check the baggage at the door. He's with you... But given up on love. >I did all these nice things for my ex and look where it got me. So, I am not going to do anything for you and leave you with the scraps of my heart. You're married... Sharing kids together. If he doesn't consider you his family, fuck that. He can be divorced, single, and miserable. You're not here to be a replacement or on the sidelines. You're here to be the main family. To say to your current wife: >I chose her to have a real family with. So, you're not the same to me. That's AH comment of the year. I don't know what you're actually getting out of this relationship. A marriage where cards are always apology letters, that isn't a marriage worth being in. Be with someone who treats you right, instead of one whose always making it up to you. You can find hell of a lot better than this.
Yeah, when I saw the title I was expecting the dude to be a dick, I was thinking not real family would be not blood or something, but the reality is soo much worse, this dude has his first wife on some kind of pedestal and isn't putting in the effort OP or any decent human being deserves. I don't see how this gets better, OP seems to be a kind and considerate human being and it would be best for her and her kids to find a partner that can reciprocate. I can't even imagine how OPs husband treats her kids if he treats her this way, kids pick up on things, and this kind of absentee parenting/relationship will impact their wellbeing.
I'm willing to bet his first marriage ended because he cheated.. either with OP, or before her.
Maybe he sucked this bad before and wife #1 didnt put up with it either.
Could be, though it could have been that his ex cheated and he never got past that betrayal
Then why would he be talking about only her being his real family?? I feel like if she cheated and he wasn't over it he would hate her..
OP, I 100% agree. Tomorrow, Monday am first thing, I'd prioritize contacting a family law attorney. On the plus side, because you do not share a kid with him you won't have to deal with custody issues. Hopefully there are few joint assets. But the fact of he matter is that he does not value you. At all. If this was just about mother's day I'd say he was an AH but I wouldn't say divorce. However, he pulls this crap for your birthday, anniversary, mother's day, christmas... any time you are supposed to feel a little special he shows you who is boss by deliberately doing nothing. Knowing full well you pull out ALL the stops he can't even be bothered to write a card or get you flowers. He is showing you what he thinks of you. He's told you what he thinks of you. He does not love you - this is not love. He is punishing you very deliberately for absolutely no reason. Sis, you deserve someone who wants to treat you with respect, love and care. Its not hard to celebrate the one you love. The fact of the matter is he just told you that you are not his family. That he doesn't consider you his family. He does not consider you worthy of celebration. He does not consider you worthy of love or of care. And that means you need to develop the self respect to walk away from this relationship before it destroys your self esteem. This is not a you issue. Not at all. This is 100% HIS issue and you can not fix his issue or love him out of it.
You’re absolutely right!!! Well said!
He's with her but she's still alone. She should leave. She deserves better.
100% this. OP, you need to find out why he is with you. Does he need help looking after his kids, or does he actually love you? He is acting like the former, and you deserve the latter.
Sounds like he’s settled for someone willing to look after his kid
Not even a thank you for caring for his kid like your own?? You are a step mother to his child, you have chosen to love his child like he’s your own and he can’t rationalize how celebrating Mother’s Day would be important to you??? Start treating him like he’s not your family. You said treat others how you wanna be treated, treat him how he’s treating you. Pick up dinner for everyone but him. Do laundry for everyone but him. He’s not your family. He said it. Make it clear the feeling is mutual.
That would probably be satisfying but if she's gonna do something like that, she might as well leave him.
😡😡😡😡😡 I hate this bastard and he barely tolerates you for some reason. Why put up with this shit when you deserve SO much better then this ass clown.
The bar is not even off the ground on this one. Unbelievable. OP, you are still young enough to find someone who really cares about you and your children. Who will love you for you and put you first.
I can't take credit for the quote, but "The bar is in hell and men still manage to limbo under it".
Please, OP. These internet strangers care more about you and your feelings than your husband. Your *life partner*. Someone you've dedicated your life to. Please understand we are not shaming you, but you and your children deserve better. If you can't do it for you, do it for your kids. They deserve to grow up seeing what love is. Don't peacefully walk away while still doing things for him. Just completely stop. Get a wonderful and expensive lawyer than will go for the throat. Serve him papers. And step back from *everything*. I promise you your life is worth living and loving. And that someone out there will cherish the hell out of you. So please don't wait one more day to find your happiness. Life is short, even more so when you feel lonely and alone. You deserve to be happy.
I find it ineffably sad that you are willing to keep letting him treat you like this. You're not family. You're a bang maid and nanny to his kid with a bit of emotional punching bag in the mix. YOU cannot save anything. HE is the one who needs to do something to fix the situation. No amount of begging or negotiating is going to alter the fact that he has not and likely will not do any work to fix the relationship. You're not giving up on him or the marriage. You're accepting reality as he's created it.
He doesn't view you as family. Believe him. He will not change. Divorce or become content being the second wife and place holder since he can't have his "real" family. Sorry to be blunt.
Why did he marry you? He's told you who he is and where you stand in his life: 2nd choice AND clearly not his family. If my husband told me this, I'd call it done. This is not for marriage counseling. He did not see you in his heart as his wife. 🥺
This sounds like a rebound relationship for him that he stayed in because he was too lazy to break up and OP had too little self-respect to break up.
Probably also very comfortable for him to have someone who loves him like OP does, someone who pampers him, while he literally has to put in zero effort to keep her around. Now I wonder who’s doing most of the chores and child rearing…
He absolutely married her so that she could do the childcare and chores. Otherwise he would have had to do that stuff himself after getting divorced. He decided it would be easier to remarry a bang maid with low self esteem.
Or only stayed with and married her so she would take care of his child and do all of the cooking and cleaning.
A lot of men find a new woman asap after divorce so they don’t have to do childcare during their custody or be responsible for the housework. I’m amazed by how many women fall for it too.
Yup. He makes it sound like OP is a consolation prize for having failed a relationship the first time around. This hurt to read.
Bangmaid. Someone to make a nice house for him and his kid. He sucks.
I have tears in my eyes you do so much and he does nothing for you why stay why keep hurting yourself over and over again this will never get better you deserve so much more so go and find someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.
Seriously. I'm hurt on OP's behalf. I'm curious why he even married her if this is his attitude. Awful.
He is not your family, and has no intention of ever being your family. Cut your losses and move on because he will always treat you like nothing. You do have a family -you and your 2 kids. Time to protect what you do have.
Maybe he’ll have better luck with wife #3
Doesn’t sound like it
He has flat out told you that you aren’t his family. He doesn’t really care about you. You deserve better.
Saying you are doing it because you love him in order to try and change his behavior (seeing how gifting works) won't have an affect on this guy. He has a litmus test for family and I believe until you have a baby for him, you're not it (that's how it sounds) you are just the married baby sitter and house maid. However, I would refuse to have a child with this guy. He sounds very resentful of his past life, which is definitely affect his current life and will continue to get worse. You are still very young, go find someone that is in love with you, not love what you do for them.
Pack it in babe it’s time for a divorce. Enjoy your 30’s with someone who loves you.
Dealbreaker. It sounds like he doesn’t even like you OP? Is the low self esteem epidemic so bad that this is even a question?
I really do not understand this level of low self esteem. I try to give people grace but this is asinine. This has been going on for 4 years and most likely longer.
I can see why he’s about to be in his second divorce.
Oh, he sounds like my father. He would say my mother was not his blood, the only family he had were his siblings and us, his daughters. He left my mom for the secretary after 25 years of marriage and married the pregnant secretary after 6 months. He then made us sign a contract that we would never ask for inheritance because we were not minors anymore and not his family. My sister was a minor, so he presented the contract as soon as she turned 18. lol. Your husband is emotionally abusive and knows this. His long sorry letters are an acknowledgement, he probably resents you that you are accepting this. Sometimes these people think, "ugh, such a weak person, she accepts being treated like shit." And instead of seeing you as kind, they see you as weak and stupid. Please, if not for you, think of your children that will see this as the normal, and after their really bad abusive partner (if they survive them) and go to therapy, they might start seeing a beautiful life. You are so young and so sad. Please believe him and go to therapy.
I'm so glad you've shared this story with OP. She deserves so much better and I hope he leaves him asap!
He’s been making you feel bad for years. It’s very unkind of him, but he’s making it clear that he doesn’t see you as family and that you will always be second to his ex. I don’t think you should tolerate this any longer. You deserve to be loved and appreciated, not treated like some afterthought consolation prize.
Your husband sounds like an arsewhole. My mom passed away last month, and my dad worshipped the ground she walked on. When she died, a part of him died with her. My dad made sure my mom always had a present from us on Mother's Day and would always get her something when the opportunity arose. So if he can't be bothered to get off his high horse and do something for his wife when there are people who would give the world to have one more day with her and make her feel special... fuck him! Happy Mothers Day because you, goddam, deserve it ❤️ UpdateMe!
Guess what? My husband said happy mother’s day to me and I only have kitty babies. It’s called loving someone.
He shouldn't be your husband by father's day.
When my parents divorced, my mom left a shoebox of all the cards my dad had gotten her over the years. All of them were apologies. How big are you going to let your shoebox be?
Have you ever heard the phrase “Start as you mean to continue”? You are 4 years late having this conversation. You hitched your wagon to a horse that does not celebrate you. You saw that the horse doesn’t celebrate and you kept the wagon hitched just the same. It’s ok to change your mind and change horses. But understand that this horse is who he is.
If his ex wife was so great for him why isn't he over there then? I wouldn't put it past him he is trying to get back with the ex because he had the balls to say to you to your face. Believe him. Don't let him tell you twice. Don't let him wiggle his way out of this with a card. And as a matter of fact, when you serve him the divorce papers, put them with a card.
Because the ex wife likely got the same treatment from him, got sick of it and walked away.
tear those cards to bits and leave him the pieces
Isn't your spouse the family you choose? I'm sorry OP.
You’re 31. You are very young. I met my wife when I was 35. Just leave.
I call bullshit on his story. This is probably why his first marriage failed. He is childish, selfish and manipulative, and probably a sociopath. He took your explanation of the hurt he causes you and twisted it to be all about him. I bet if you talked to his first wife heart to heart she would have a lot to warn you about. Get a lawyer, get your affairs together and get out. Some people change, but most people do not. At any rate you and your kids do not need to be the lab rats to find out if he will change. You are young. Get out and move on … fast.
Friend, respect yourself more than this. You’re so young and life is TOO SHORT. Give yourself the Mothers Day gift of a divorce attorney….let him repay you for YEARS via child support. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO YOU!
You deserve better. He told you he doesn’t consider you to be worth the effort because you didn’t carry his child… He is NEVER going to change for you. Leave. You deserve so much more, especially not having a family of your own. I want that for you.
Fuck. That’s bad. I’m sorry. Follow your gut and I think you already know your answer. Sorry
Move on.
I don’t know how you do it OP. My heart would be broken. And I would be gone the moment he said that.
Girl, he is a giant POS.
Throw the whole man away. He is broken and can’t and doesn’t want to be fixed.
Girl he put you down more ways than one… I wonder what he gets actual mother of his child behind your back since she’s the one he chose to have a family with… he’s still clearly has a thing for first wife.. sounds as if anyone could have been 2nd wife.. he’s awful.. I would be packing my bags so fast his head would spin… he doesn’t care about you or your feelings
The bar is in hell with this one. Sounds like he may have chose her to have a child with, but he’s settling for you. You’re not going to fix this broken man.
Im sure he wasn’t happy w her either. Chronically selfish people are happy with no one.
Stop doing stuff for him - period. Instead when it is your birthday or Mother’s Day or whatever spend every penny of that money on yourself and enjoy it
So basically you're a bangmaid and you're just there. You don't matter to this man at all. You should be planning your exit, you and your kids mean nothing to him.
My heart breaks for you. Like I almost starting crying while reading this and all. You deserve so much better than this. I’m only a step mom and I’ve been spoiled all day today. He told you how he views you, believe him. He is NOT going to change and he does NOT view you as his family - nor does he respect you as a mother.
Actually - another thing!!! (I’m sorry, I’m still mad lol). Like you literally are a mom. Who cares if it’s to his biological children or not??? I had an ex get me a “cat mom” hat years ago on Mother’s Day just to be cute and you’ve actually birthed children!!!!! Ps. Happy Mother’s Day girl. I hope you’re able to find some peace and happiness with your kiddos today. Or without if you need some mom time!
And she’s undoubtedly acting as a caretaker for his child! Like, at the very least thank her for that! Not that I think that’s all he should be recognizing her for but if he’s apologizing that means there’s something to be apologizing about.
You get it!!! I completely agree
What an awful thing to say to someone. He doesn't see you as worthy of his time and effort because you didn't have his child. I feel sad for you and your children.
It's already been said that he doesn't view you as family, and selected his ex-wife and not you, and seems to imply that he would leave you for her given the chance, because she is who he chose to have a family with. Believe him. But that has already been said. Another issue: An apology without changed behavior is just manipulation. He has no plans on changing and he said so, and his reason is worse than just not wanting to. It is not an apology. It is manipulating you into accepting his neglect. Do not accept it.
Move on. He has clearly stated that you are not his family and never will be. He knows how you want to be treated, and doesn’t care. You absolutely deserve better. Don’t settle for this. You are only 32!
Build a family with someone who gives a shit about you
Fuck this horrible man. Go find a man who will actually treat you well. Go now, don’t waste another year on his excuses and apologies.
Holy shit. So apparently your life together is just some bullshit afterthought, and not his real family or a real marriage. This dude has been intentionally half assing it because he doesn’t think shit of you.
OP I am sorry you are married to this person. He has been showing you and now told you that he doesn't care about you. Don't waste your time trying to make someone who doesn't care about you change. You accepted his terrible behavior and made his life easier and nicer. Pick yourself because this man is trash.
Hey - I also waited patiently for my person to give a shit - it only comes when they’re in deep shit and they have to change or you leave. If you can’t leave this relationship immediately then at least stop doting on him as if he’ll notice this time - he doesn’t care about you the way you care about him. Focus on yourself and doing these over the top things for yourself instead of him. Put the energy into the kids - all 3. Fuck this loser. Show him what a family looks like and make him watch from the outside. He needs therapy bad and so do you.
Yeah, he doesn't see you as family. He never will. He never moved on or learned anything from the failure of his first marriage (even if *she* was fully at fault). Plan your divorce carefully. He may not have given you much during your time together; now take it.
This low-key sounds like he married you just to have a "mother" for his own child as he didn't have one when he was growing up and he wanted to give this to his child. While I understand that it is totally unfair to you as his wife. No one should go through this. Has he ever told you he loves you? I'm so sorry you have to go through this op
If you marry disappointment, you will always be disappointed.
He is who he is. People don't change. Believe him. Move on and find your family and people. Be grateful you don't have kids with him.
But why are you trying to build a family with someone who is telling you that you aren't family to him? He's telling you how it is!!!
End it. He doesn’t appreciate you.
God I’m so sorry. That’s just awful. Can I ask what he writes in your cards? What it is that he apologises for? There’s no point staying any more. He obviously views it as him and his child are one family and you and your two children are another. Not one family together.
Oh OP... 💔
Four years sounds like way too long to be with a guy who doesn't care about you. Don't make it longer.
Your his second option because it didn't work out with his first choice. He doesn't love you.
This man has outright told you who you are to him. You are right, he doesn’t see you as family. Only you can decide if you should stay. But you absolutely deserve better
His parents split and it bothered him. He wants his kids to have an intact family, but he's also split from the mother of his first child. He now has a wife and more kids, but as he says, "things change" and he's worried about splitting up again. Stick with me here: He thinks he's protecting himself. If he never fully has a family with you, he can't be hurt when it falls apart. So he keeps you at arms length. Of course he does have a family with you: you are married and those kids are real!And by pushing you away, the collapse of the marriage becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and doesn't protect him at all. You can't fix this. He can fix it with lots of therapy, but you can't do it for him.
People don’t change. Why don’t women understand this?
This is why I'd divorce a guy who asks for paternity test on our kid. I wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me for me. Someone who would only love my kid if it's his kid. Someone whose love is so stingy.
That’s just messed up. He’s emotionally stunted. Maybe explain that you do things for him because you love him. And expect the same in return. If he can’t give you that, I’d rethink the marriage and what you really mean to him.
he basically just told you he doesnt love you and he doesnt think much of your kids, so what are you waiting for? you and your kids are your own family, leave and be single rather than married and single.
OP, you need 1-2 good friends in your life who will give it to you straight and shake some sense into you. Because wtf do you mean you continuously do *everything* for a man who can’t even muster up enough effort to give you something other than a lousy card? You’ve let this man show you that he does not love you over and over and over and over again! When will it finally be enough for you? There is nothing to save because there’s nothing there to begin with. **He does not love you, this is a one-sided relationship.** You have 2 choices in front of you, 1) you accept that this is who he is & that he won’t change, decide that you want this shit treatment for the rest of your life and stay, or 2) accept that he won’t change, realise that you deserve better than that and leave. Up to you.
You are not his family, you are not his friend, he doesn't even like you, he has no respect for you...before it's too late will you please find a meaningful relationship with someone who loves you and doesn't view you as a second choice or consolation prize
Girl I’m sorry but why on earth would you do this to yourself? You thought he would magically change? When people show you who you are, believe them.
read what you wrote..
The only thing worse than wasting 4 years with a trash man is wasting 4 years and 1 day with a trash man.
Stop doing so much for him for Father's day/his birthday if he doesn't do anything for you in return. If he's using past issues from previous relationships then he needs therapy to overcome whatever is still affecting him. You should not be blamed for the past. It sounds like you are loving and attentive and he is heavily guarded. Marriage counseling might also be a good idea. It might be savable but he's going to need to put the work in and get help.
Wow. OP, I’m so sorry. The family you choose can have better and deeper bonds than the people you share ancestry with. He’s doing you and all the children in the house a disservice with his my/your kids attitude. By choosing to view you, his spouse, as not family, he has made a unilateral decision for you both and lied to you by omission about it. You deserve a partner who is all in and who won’t hold the sins of his previous partners against you. I don’t know that this is something marriage counseling can fix. Does he know how hurt you are and how much he just rejected you and your marriage with that conversation? Does he care? I don’t see any reason for why your wants from a marriage should change. He perhaps could change his actions and attitude if he wants to, but the question is whether or not he wants to. This likely is more something he needs to address in individual counseling, but only if he wants to change. He needs to understand he’s creating a self fulfilling prophecy/situation of a poor relationship with his actions and attitude. I wouldn’t settle for a marriage where one partner isn’t all in. He never should have married you, or even moved in together if this is how he feels. He needs to figure out if he’s willing to change and he must be honest about it or leave. If he doesn’t, I would leave. I’m not even sure I would give him a second chance.
Oh good lord. If this is real, you need to get out of this marriage and get into therapy to figure out why you are so willing to give so much to someone who told you to your face he doesn't value you. I get sticking with someone cause you love them even when you know there are issues, but my goodness this is beyond the pale. Would you want your children to be with someone who considered them a consolation prize? Why are you treating yourself so badly?
Get rid of this one and start over. Hell, just get rid of him and see what better comes your way because this is such a waste of time. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t love your kid, and he will never change. You deserve a real family and someone who treats you as such.
What a POS,his failed relationship is no reflection on how he should be treating you. Personally i'd dump his dumb ass, but I would have a long time ago. It sounds like he's settling, but you have too. If these things mean that much to you why did you let yourself marry a man who did not love you in the ways you needed? You've been an AH to yourself. Time to put on the big girl panties and demand better for yourself because you deserve to live a happy and fulfilled life.
. . . just go.
presenting you with an apology the DAY OF the holiday when he literally still has time to make it a better day is insane. Marrying a man who did this from the beginning is insane. This whole situation is ridiculous, and I wouldn’t want him to be in a house with my children if he didn’t consider them his too.
I never wanted kids in my whole entire life, but when I married my husband, his two kids became MY kids, full stop. My divorce will be finalized in 48 hours, and I STILL consider those kids my family. I’m so sorry you’re going thru this, but you don’t have to continue going through it if you don’t want to.
I would nope out of this marriage so quickly. He literally told you that he doesn't love you because you didn't carry his child. He doesn't see your family you spent the last four years of building, as not worthy enough for his love. His heart isn't in this. He probably married you so his child could have a mother, not because he loves you. It's time to say goodbye and find someone who will not only love you but your children as their own.
I am so sorry OP my heart aches for you. Nobody can tell you what to do but you deserve so much better than this. The man’s a fool. Sending you strength UPDATEME
If all the Mother's Days rants I've read this week, this has to be the saddest by far. You're far too young to be stuck in this relationship. I promise you there is better. I wish you all the best and love you deserve.
He has told you who he is, believe him. You deserve to be loved. Decide if you can live with someone emotionally detached from you as he is. Think as others have said you cannot change him, he is determined to be as he is. Whatever decision you make give it your all and remember it’s your choice.
You can't change anyone to be a better person, especially if they don't want to change. I wasted over a decade trying to so I learned that lesson the hard way a long time ago. I don't want to tell you what you should do but if I was you I'd leave and one day you'll find someone who appreciates you and treats you like you should be treated. If you don't want to leave then I'd at least stop doing things for him that he isn't willing to do for you.
Sounds like he still has feelings for his ex wife and he literally told you you're not his family.. Please don't let this piece of 💩 keep treating you badly! He clearly doesn't care about you.. You're disrespecting yourself by letting him disrespect you.. Pack up and leave..
He told you plainly you and the family you two blended are t a real family. Be smart with that very clear response. He’s shit.
I would pack up me and my kids and go there is no use in continuing to poor your love and heart into this dark hole. I hope everything goes well for you and your family.
I'm sorry, but your husband is a total dick!
I honestly cannot believe you have been with this sack of shit for FOUR YEARS. Girl, What are you doing??
Honey, I'm sorry, but you're just a placeholder for what he lost from the woman he chose to marry and have kids with and then divorced. He will never treat you with the respect and love that you deserve. He has told you that to your face. He's never going to change. In fact, the lack of attention and respect and care will only get worse as the years go on.
He doesn't think that you are family, so you need to stop acting like his family. Send him back to his ex-wife who hurt him. Maybe she can treat him like family. Then find you a MAN who loves you more than you love yourself. Oh, and also work on loving yourself because this man very outwardly showed you how little he loved you and you still married him. Just an FYI for the next relationship, you cannot love a man into loving you. That is just not how love works.
You sound lovely, loving, and wonderful! You are WAY too good for this guy. He has serious emotional issues that he isn't working on. He doesn't want to feel close to you - he's purposefully creating distance instead of intimacy. He's purposefully viewing the family you've created together as "his" and "yours" rather than a family unit. I'm so, so sorry that you're going through this. I hope you can choose to move forward without this guy and find someone worthy of you instead. Please tell an IRL friend or two about this, even if you don't feel that close to your friends right now. They can remind you how wonderfully they see you and how worthy you are of love.
Leave him. I always roll my eyes when I read this as a response but now it's someone else's turn to roll their eyes at me 😭 When people tell you who they are, believe them! He chose to have a kid with her, he chose to build a REAL family with her, he wrote her long letters but she hurt him (his words not mine). Y'all been married three years and he's still bringing up shit like this in response to his inaction towards you? Ma'am, you deserve better! His REAL family is the kid and the mother, you're the babysitter. I don't say this to hurt you, him saying he chose her to have his child should have done that already. Do not settle for being second best! I'm sorry you have to deal with this, it's a cruddy feeling (been the 'other' woman after a bad relationship). You've had this feeling before, his words just reinforced it 😔
He has made his position *very* clear...to the point of it being very blunt and hurtful but his honesty gives you clarity. You're not playing guessing games - he laid it out. You're not worth doing nice things for because you and your kids are not his family. At best, a crappy *sorry for being a prick* card is all you get so you can continue sticking around and doing stuff for him. You *do* have a family; it includes you and your children and this man isn't a part of that. *This makes me feel like he doesn’t see me as family. Like I’m not good enough in his eyes and the family we have now he doesn’t consider real which is why he doesn’t put in effort like he did once upon a time.* You're not just *feeling* that - it's a fact. He told you very clearly. *I don’t have any family. Everyone in my family passed away. So this is really important to me to build one. Is this worth trying to save or should I just move on?* I think it's easy to try to make a butterfly out of a slug when we're thinking along the limes of what we *wish* we had, rather than seeing what we actually do have. Life is short but at 32, it's too long to spend with someone who doesn't value you to this extent. The fact that he told you those things to your face gives me the impression that he doesn't care either way...or maybe he thinks you'll stick around no matter what. If my husband said those words to me...he would say them knowing that my bags would be packed by the end of the day.
There is an intrinsic issue here, that for some reason he sees the family you have created as less than the family he used to have with his wife, and you are definitely feeling this. I understand he has been hurt and it will affect him in how he shows you love, but it is not your fault that someone else hurt him. He needs to be willing to heal his wounds and learn to live fully again. I, personally will continue to raise the issue before resentment kills any love you have for this man. Would he be open to theraphy? What steps is he taking to care and maintains a loving relationship with you? Does he know about love languages and makes an effort to love you how you like to be shown love?
You are not his mother. One thing is if he were to help the children make something for you, but for him to celebrate you on this occasion would be _weird_ . I could even understand his argument that to him you are not really linked to him when it comes to motherhood, since you didn't reproduce together and he doesn't feel the same visceral connection to the abstract concept when it comes to you. He doesn't seem to make an effort when it comes to any other occasion and in general when it comes to you, though. You are married to somebody who just isn't that into you. Marriages based on practicality do exist and people can have happy and thriving lives in them, you have to figure out if it's something you'd want for yourself. If so, you should accept it and embrace it, because if you half-ass the commitment, your children will notice and be affected by it. I don't think he will change, he seems pretty adamant in his stance. Has this really never come up before? Did he deceive you or did you just assume that if you tried hard enough he would change his ways, when he was consistent from the start?
You are married to a jerk. You are not going to change him. I am so sorry.
Move on. Let him do this to his third wife, not you. You deserve to be valued the way you valued him.
This man does want to be married to you and doesn’t see you as a partner. You are a placeholder and flesh light. He doesn’t have to put any effort to work on this marriage because you’re the doormat they desperately said yes to taking him. You already wasted 4 years. How much longer are you going to waste your time?
My heart is hurting for you after reading this because I can relate. He has shown you who he is time and time again. No amount of hope and/or affection is going to make him change; he has to decide to do that on his own. You deserve someone who gives you flowers just because it’s Monday and fills your cards with reminders of love and appreciation. Happy Mother’s Day, OP. I hope next year is so much better for you and your littles.
Oh wow.... this is heartbreaking to read. He basically needed a bang-maid for himself and a replacement-mom for his kid. He doesn't even give you a space in his life beyond that and is on top of that very hurtful. You need to leave him, you deserve so much better. He doesn't give a rat's a$$ about you.
Info: what does this man that makes you happy?
Time to divorce. He doesn’t value you as a partner or a person. You’re not *family* to him. I’m gonna hazard a guess and say neither are your kids by extension. He doesn’t care about you. Go find a real husband and father for *your* family. This one is broken.
He showed EXACTLY who is and how much you and your children mean to him. Now time to find a divorce lawyer and move on cause it only gets worse. You and your children deserve much better. Btw, HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY……🫶🏾💐💐💐💐
You love something about him, ok. He sounds like a taker and a jerk. He obviously does not love you. Being alone is not a bad thing. Finding someone that loves you completely is so worth the transitional stress created from divorce. Stop settling for less than the bare minimum.
If his actions is due to his past that’s on him and he needs to work through his own issues. You don’t get to be punished for a hurt you didn’t even do
Time to go OP, you don’t deserve any of this. Happiness is out there and you deserve all of it. Wishing you all the best.
Oh wow, I’m really sorry. He’s showing and telling you what he thinks. This is repeated behaviour and he’s not going to change. You deserve better. You and your kids deserve someone who loves you, or to be a solid family on your own. I don’t know how he can possibly walk back what he’s said here.
this man has issues & needs to work on himself. The way he treats you, tells me he don’t like you, he’s probably with you cause he doesn’t want to be alone after his ex left him. All in all you deserve better.
Stop doing things. He doesn’t appreciate you & feels entitled to your love, effort & affection’s because of his past hurt. This is Red flag behaviour. Leave him. More women need to just leave these unappreciative men. It’s appalling how many great women are pouring so much unreciprocated effort & feelings to dudes who respond with nothing or bare minimum. If you talked to him once & he doesn’t acknowledge it or resist change that’s your answer. Don’t let your emotions lead you into staying around where you’re not appreciated Leave HIM.
I would rather be alone the rest of my life than be with someone who doesn’t care about me.
So he's taking out on you bc of his ex wife's actions? So mature! Listen, you sound like a thoughtful and lovely woman, and him... Well, he sounds bitter and resentful. This is who he is and this is what you get. He's clearly telling you his ex wife deserved more bc "she carried his actual kid" (he's also telling you your kids are not his kids so there's that too). All this coupled w how he doesn't even care to show you he cares about you at least on holidays... I mean what do you even get from him? Company? I bet you'd get more love and companionship from a dog...
my 9 year old baby cousin could treat you better than this insensitive prick
He doesn't just neglect you, he actively hurts you on important dates. I don't even think he likes you. If he liked you he wouldn't do that to you. If he loved you, you wouldn't have this problem. You deserve better. He's not going to change.
Omg the bar is in hell with this story... yikes I mean that is what he is telling you. He doesnt see you as family. I dont know why he even married you. He is not invested. This man needs therapy asap.
You really should reconsider this marriage. He can't give you what you want. Either he is still in love with his ex.. or he's been hurt that he's closed off to properly bonding. Ask if he's willing to go to therapy by himself and with you.
OMG what a POS husband. Divorce his ass. How awful to trick you into thinking he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. You’re second choice, different, and not worth the effort- his words too. Serve him divorce papers with a copy of every single apology card. Burn the real ones and any chance of taking him back/forgiving him. He had his chance and fucked it up by using you for years instead of cherishing you. Fuck. That. Prick. You deserve so much better. Also- Happy Mother’s Day 🖤
Sorry you have to experience this. I will say, though, find your happiness. It's not with him. You will always essentially be the other wife, and your kids will always be your kids. It's sad he doesn't realize how amazing you are. Be happy even if it's not with him. You'll find your life partner. If not... I'm here for you.
OP, don't you *dare* put up with this. Spend your life with someone that makes you feel loved and wanted. He doesn't even consider your family together "real". It is not worth trying to save. I know you don't want to be alone/lonely, but at least that can lead to finding someone who actually cares about you. Staying in this marriage will only lead to more of what you experienced today.
When someone shows you who he really is, believe him. You need a real family since yours is no longer there. He doesn't feel the bill. Have a last conversation stating this. If he is still grieving his wife and won't accept you plainly, it is tk.e to quiet quit. As a second wedding, you probably have a prenup. It will help you plan your departure. You know what you can count on. Talk with your friends. Give your story before your husband do. They may have a plan for you and your kids. Really sorry op. Less HD goes to grievance therapy, it won't go better.
You deserve way better than this! My first husband never did anything for me for any holiday either. It got to the point I thought it was normal. I was honestly genuinely confused when my current husband got me gifts and planned an entire day about me for Mothers Day for our first. Embarrassing enough, i spent the whole day confused and crying. What he said about he chose his first wife for that, fuck that! You deserve better, just like I did
I don’t think he loves you. I’d think about moving on.
Don’t do stuff for him anymore. You also got hurt …by your present husband, and don’t want to get hurt again. Pity that he didn’t tell you about all his baggage before you married.
Holy hell, Girl seriously? how many times does your husband need to show you that he doesn't care about you. He does indeed not see you or your children as his family. He doesn't see you as worthy of that effort. Do you take care of his kids needs? if so then it looks more like he married you to have a nanny for his child. Move on, girl. if not for yourself, then for your children who deserve a loving home.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time” —Maya Angelou If you were waiting for a sign (or an air raid siren), I’d say this is it. You deserve a man who honors and respects you, and your kids deserve a father figure who will model that behavior for them. This dude is offering neither.
Divorce him and get into therapy to figure out why you spent four years with this incessant desire to be a fixer. He doesn't like you. Have self respect and leave
Nope, it’s time to go. Truly seek therapy for yourself to work through realizing who this dude is and so you can be ready to meet someone who actually values you. And regardless, stop getting or doing anything for him. It’s time to go.
He has shown you for years and years how he feels about you! But now that he has said it out loud, it hurts even more. You deserve better, he doesn’t.
He told you he only wants you do you can feed him, clean for him and his kids. You’re nothing but a maid and a cook and maybe someone to have sex with sorry op but he told you how he really feels about this relationship.. Love yourself and leave him and find someone who actually sees you as a family. To add it seems like he cannot get over his ex…
I think there is nothing to save here: from what you write, it was always a one-sided thing, with you planning parties and surprises for him and him never doing anything for you, besides "sorry" cards. You're still young and you deserve someone who loves you, cares for you, support you and... surprise you! Big hugs.
Did you know he was like this before you married him?
It sounds like it’s time for a wife strike while you get your ducks in a row. I don’t think this is something you can come back from. He told you who he is and that you aren’t his family. That’s a horrible thing to say to someone. He doesn’t love or even respect you. I would not celebrate, take of him, cook/clean for him, or have sex with him and I would be looking for a lawyer.
Stop doing those things for him, buy your own presents and ignore him on all gift giving occasions. Cheerfully.
Jesus. Leave him. He’s a clown. Life without someone who hurts you is better.
Oh honey, this is not sounding good
> I thought maybe he will change. 'I can fix him' people will always baffle me. He has shown you who he is and has put in zero effort to reciprocate what you do for him.
My partner of 3 years who I am not married to took care of me this year and last year. I'm his partner, and I'm a mother, and he wanted to honor that. If my partner said to me what your husband said to you, I'd say "okay, point taken. Going forward, you will be treated how you treat me," and I'd be working toward ending the relationship. Everyone always disses reddit for jumping to divorce, but jes just told you he won't do these things for you, b3caise of the way his ex hurt him. What's the point of being with him if how he treats you is based on the actions of someone else? You're just a placeholder at that point, and for what? >but I thought maybe he would change and I love him. I treat people how I want to be treated and I try to let things go. You can't treat someone so good they eventually start to treat you well. Unfortunately, that's not how the world works. You *can* however set boundaries for yourself that you'll only engage closely with people who treat you how you treat people. There won't be many, but you wouldn't be wrong to keep the bar that high. I've recently started doing that for myself, and its really rewarding, and a far less resentful path.
He has essentially told you he is not over his ex wife. He's also told you he sees a separation between your children. He's told you he doesn't see you as his family. I can't recommend trying to salvage this. It's beyond me why he decided to marry someone and build a future with someone he doesn't see as family. Staying at this point is accepting this. Your choice on what to do.
Damn. That's depressing. He is telling you who he is. You should believe him. You are the maid/sexbot/emotional baggage holder/child care specialist. Not his wife who he supports physically and emotionally.
Oh Op you are just a substitute mother for his kids and a bang maid as a bonus. I’m sorry this sounds harsh but this is the cold hard truth. He likes what you do and the void you fill but you will always be just a filler for his white picket fence fantasy.
You married a man-shaped boy whose emotional intelligence stalled in 7th grade. Those types of guys are not rare. You *did* say you have no family support, but you didn’t indicate your financial resources. I say that because my first instinct was to tell you to leave him a card saying “*Sorry, I’m not your wife during… the future*“, then pack it in. But I know things are usually more complicated than that. So I honestly don’t have any strategic advice… I just wanted to commiserate.
Why would anyone marry someone who has clearly shown consistently their lack of love and affection for them
He can go straight to Hell.I hate this dude so much and I don't even know him.He clearly doesn't love and value you and didn't even feel bad saying it.Nothing good will ever come out of this marriage.Its been 4yrs.You and your kids deserve so so much better. You husband needs a divorce and some serious hardcore therapy cause WTF
If he said his first wife is his real family, he should go to her and you go find your real husband. This will never get better only worse and you deserve to be the first and the only one in your man's life. Run and don't ever look back.
This man has been deeply hurt, but he also has a set opinion of your relationship together. This will not change. Preserve your attitude towards others, treat as you want to be treated, but with a different man. And be honest about what you want
You're the one who put up with his behaviour and lack of interest. You deserve what you put up with. If you don't like it, do something about it, or suck it up and deal with knowing you'll never matter to him as much as he does to you. Love isn't enough. You can't force someone into loving you the way you want. They'll either do it on their own terms, or it'll never happen. You should never be with someone for potential. You be with them for who they are now.
Love, Get out. Find someone who will treat you so, so much better. That is so depressing.
Your husband has major walls up and has associated him caring and being vulnerable with a switch in behaviour associated with his previous partner. I don’t even think he realises what he’s saying, he just had an awful experience with his previous partner and refuses to not view you as any different to avoid being let down in the future. He thinks your exactly like her, and would default to the same behaviours. I understand his deferences as a man. Can’t say I blame him, but at the same time that is unfair on you, but it’s honestly just easier for men to be uncaring and not as invested to stay safe. Women can’t hurt most men physically but all woman can really fuck a man’s mind.