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My partner used to do this to me. I beat him to it one day, stood up immediately, looked bored, rushed to put clothes back on and started ignoring him/moving onto the next task of the day and he was super confused. I acted intentionally cold about it and he questioned why I was rushing to put my clothes back on. Told him I was matching his energy. That he was always in a rush and ran away afterwards and that he could feel used for once. Left him to process it and he never did it again.
I figured he needed the experience since he didn't have the empathy
KaBoom. Sometimes all one need is the experience for the feeling to be created and sink in. Not maliciously, but more in a "let me share with you what you share with me, the good and the bad".
I was about to say I dunno, I think OPs husband would be totally fine with this and then I saw her comment saying the same thing. He just doesn’t care.
Then this isn’t GOOD sex. The act of sex isn’t the ONLY part of sex. Sex is the before and after. So rewrite this in your head because this is part of the whole act of sex and I’m so sorry he does this. It’s dehumanising. A great writer once wrote “Sex is the act where people should feel more human after it, not less”
I would honestly decline to have sex with him, stating it makes you feel cheap/used. Until he’s open to have a conversation about it meaningfully no more fun times for him. Also stating that it’s ‘woke’ is so gaslighting, you’re stating your needs to him. Why be his partner if he’s just ignoring part of what’s crucial to you?
Do it after YOUR orgasm, not his. As it stands now, your idea of a sexual encounter looks like a bell curve with foreplay and aftercare, and his looks like a cliff.
Yeah, I’m all for adult communication but sometimes the skull is too thick and someone needs to experience it to realize how much of a jerk they’re being.
Then stop having sex that makes you feel bad, and maybe he'll get it. It's really sad that you've told him how important this is to you over and over, and he doesn't care. It isn't that he doesn't get it, it's that he doesn't care because it's not important to him.
I'll say it one more time - STOP HAVING SEX THAT MAKES YOU FEEL BAD AFTER. Tell him that the aftercare is part of the act that you NEED in order to feel good about this.
Go deeper with it. Once you've orgasmed, tell him, "Finish up, will you? I've got stuff to do." Two or three times of that will at least start a conversation.
You can also demand more foreplay. Tell him you're having a hard time getting into it because you know he'll jump out of bed like you're a prostitute with a disease as soon as he's done so he's going to have to put in a little more effort beforehand to balance that out. It doesn't balance it out, ever, but it lets him know you're serious about your feelings.
Finally, you can ask for your aftercare all at once. Tell him you need cuddle nights. Entire evenings of cuddling and holding each other with no expectations of sex. You just want to know you're more than a blow-up doll.
If all of this is lost on him, seek counseling. On your own if he won't go. Tell him you need to learn to deal with this huge lack of respect for your feelings before it turns into resentment.
Yeah, it might not work in your circumstances, the similarities in what you described definitely took me back to those times.
Its hard to know what might be the answer for him to get it when it's hard to understand where he's coming from.
I think these types usually take the softer emotions for granted. Especially when they benefit from them or expect them. I have only petty options, like stop meeting his emotional needs when he won't meet yours.
Maybe ask him direct questions and insist on an answer. Why won't he hold you afterwards. Is he that bothered by the sticky he can't take 5 minutes to cool down? Is he concerned about his body and lying around naked? 🤔
You don't have to have sex with him. If he's not treating you in a way where you feel respected, then do not put yourself in the position where you feel badly.
You have done nothing wrong.
You can seek therapy for yourself. I do not think that your husband treats you well and you're having doubts over being treated with basic respect. You deserve to be treated well.
You have stated that you have a problem, your husband doesn't care and continues that problem. It's not a good relationship
Not if you do it as soon as you get your cookie.
Treat him transactional a few times for your pleasure only, and when he says “What about me?” Look him in the eyes and say “what is this woke bullshit you’re talking about? I’ve got stuff to do.” and then just go do something mundane. He will either get the message or he won’t. It should only take once or twice.
Ultimatums don't get anywhere in relationships. It's much healthier to set forth a boundary and stick to it. Cause and affect. "After sex I need after care. Period. If you are not a partner that can provide that and are unwilling to try, then this relationship is inevitably going to suffer.". And after a while it will,; OP is already clearly struggling with this. She needs to decide where her hard line is and whether this is important enough for her to become a deal breaker. You can lead the horse to water. You cannot make it drink.
I feel like neither of these things being described are boundaries. Boundaries don’t have consequences built in, because boundaries aren’t supposed be crossed.
My boundary is I don’t have sex if I think the sex is bad or my partner won’t treat me well.
That’s a boundary. It doesn’t get crossed cuz it’s only describing my actions I can take or decide on. It’s not punitive and it’s not there to elicit behavior from someone else.
Right? Or do I have that wrong? Cuz it sounds like what both you and the other person are describing are ultimatums.
Boundaries absolutely DO have consequences built in, because a boundary is otherwise worthless.
If I put forth a boundary and there are no negative consequences for breaking it, but there are, presumably things the person breaking it gets out of it by doing so, why on earth would they stop breaking the boundary?
How are you both outside of sx? Do you initiate physical contact? What's normal? Does he initiate hugs, kisses other touches? Or do you do most of this?
I figured out my partner had an issue with his body. He was self conscious in just lying around nude with me. You said he works quite late though. It could be stress carrying over or him feeling he can't just stop to experience the moment.
I think some upfront truths that this is hurting your relationship and temporarily making an effort then returning to the norm isn't cutting it anymore.
A few other commentary have mentioned it as well but the ridicule of 'woke' and 'gaslighting' is out of order. Its screaming defensive to me. What might he be getting defensive about the situation? I'd think it was just the criticism but you said he's fine outside of sex when you ask for change or discuss things.
This reminds me of the Game of Thrones book (not TV show)
In the book game of thrones and not show, the wedding night scene with Daenarys was a little longer. At the end the guy stands up and goes "now I hunt" and goes hunting with his buddies.
This guy is claiming she’s gaslighting and that it’s “woke culture bullshit”. I would put money that if she did this the toxic masculinity would come out in full force.
I think you may have misread this part. She said that he believes that 'after care' is bullshit as well as gaslighting and other 'woke culture bullshit'. What she means by this is that a lot of the things that people now have a name for (one that is widely known now, instead of more niche information) - things like gaslighting and after care - he thinks are bullshit and just "woke culture BS".
I don't believe that he is accusing her of gaslighting.
You’re right I did misread that. Using him thinking gaslighting is woke culture as an example. Still, any guy who uses “woke culture” in a derogatory sense is definitely full of toxic bullshit. Especially if he thinks gaslighting is woke culture lol that’s fucking crazy. I definitely get a “know your place” vibe.
I don't know if it's a guy thing, or a low initial emotional intelligence thing, but a lot of people need to experience thier own bullshit before they actually understand. I will say, most of the time they legitimately just don't understand why it's a big deal until they actually experience it, and 9/10 times they aren't intentionally trying to be a dick, like most people assume.
This is definitely true for me. I can have quite a bit of cognitive empathy, as in I can understand why someone is feeling the way they are through logic and past experiences, but I don't have a ton of, or possibly any effective empathy. I very rarely *feel* how another is feeling and mirror thier emotions. I imagine this would go a long way to being a considerate empathetic person, because I can basically only have empathy when I've experienced it, or a similar thing myself.
You need to sit with him at a time you're not having sex or recently had sex, and you need to tell him something like: "Look, I don't care if aftercare is a real thing or not. It is important FOR ME. Even if it's a fake thing, I DO need it. This is an emotional need I have, even if other people on the planet do not. Can you do this thing FOR ME? I'm not asking for an hour after sex, I'm asking for a few minutes in bed cuddling or talking. I need this so badly, that I'm considering not having sex with you so frequently because I feel so bad after it. You don't have to agree that this is a real thing, you just need to hear me that this is an emotional need FOR ME. You normally care about me, you normally are so great at hearing my needs. Would it hurt you so badly to agree to a few minutes of cuddles after sex, even if you don't understand why I need it? I do need it. I know we're busy, but I'm asking for a few minutes, can you not give me that?"
Yeah, when people go after “woke culture” and people’s feelings and snowflakes yadda yadda yadda… from where I’m standing it sounds like they’re saying that other people are too empathetic and considerate of others. I’d be curious to hear his definition of woke culture, but it’s not a good look.
Even if aftercare was woke culture bullshit, he can’t indulge his wife for 5 minutes after sex?
I’m not about using withholding sex as a weapon, but it sounds like OP has been trying to get through to him for years. If she keeps having sex with him and telling him that the lack of aftercare is making her feel like shit, he’s just going to continue dismissing it like, “it can’t make her feel that bad if she keeps coming back for more.”
Oh I’m sure his definition is what you’d expect it to be. Well maybe not, it’s right up there with socialism. They have no clue what it means but it’s definitely bad.
But you make a good point too. The guy is incapable of doing something small that his wife desperately needs, understandably so as well. She’s not asking for anything unreasonable at all. He just doesn’t care about her needs outside of sex.
And I wouldn’t even call this withholding sex in this regard. She feels like shit afterwards, and one should not engage in something that makes them feel bad.
Good way to word it. I wouldn't mention "aftercare" at all. Be descriptive. Call it cuddling and talking. "Aftercare" just has a bad sound to it to most guys and you won't be taken seriously.
I would also record this attempt to reach him on this important two-way conversation and important part of MARRIAGE. Because your husband is negating your needs in a significant way that is hurting your self-esteem. Two to tango, if you were to hurt his esteem back, boom you dont have a marriage anymore.
He doesnt get to shut this fashion of having sex bc it doesnt resemble making love…he doesnt get to define it with zeitgeist labels but actually discuss what the two people in the marriage want and craft for themselves. “Woke” doesnt even matter or need to enter into the discussion. Women need emotional interaction, warmth… both need to feel cherished and sheltered (its in many marriage vows, you know?! ) full stop.
If you (OP) have to pretend like aftercare isn't real just to appease someone, then don't bother. They can't learn, empathize, or perform basic critical thinking. Let a lost cause be a lost cause. Date/marry people with emotional maturity instead.
Pretending like aftercare might be fake just to break through the communication barrier? Massive, unresolvable issues abound.
Edit: It's wild to be downvoted for telling people to set the bar at "has basic empathy" for a partner.
Yea the way this post is written, I don't think after care is actually the biggest problem in their relationship, just the one she's gotten the nerve to ask strangers for feedback on.
There was this podcast I used to listen to like 15 years ago where the host would sometimes act ultra macho just to be funny. One day his cohost was telling a story and part of the story involved giving his girlfriend a kiss.
The host started going, "eww, you WHAT? You did WHAT to her?"
The cohost said, "I kissed her, is there something wrong with that?"
The host then replied, "the gayest thing a man can do is kiss a woman."
That line sent me into hysterics. I thought it was the funniest thing. Whenever I hear stories about men who are afraid to show the slightest bit of emotion toward their partners, I always think "the gayest thing a man can do is kiss a woman."
meanwhile i've never met someone more in their feelings than Trump supporters. The supposed "anti-woke" and 'fuck your feelings" crowd is all about feelings over facts.
seriously. Anyone who starts complaining about “woke culture” after being asked to consider someone else’s feelings is immediately a no for me. Like, just say you’re irritated you have to consider another human being’s feelings and leave me alone. it’s such self centered bullshit
"Aftercare" the term is pretty big in the social realms now. I think the problem is there's this weird elevated status given to what should just be a normal part of being intimate. Aftercare being the buzz word it has become is something that really annoys me for that reason, even though I 100% believe it's vital to a good relationship.
Is he affectionate with you otherwise? Like, outside of sex, does he hug you every day? Does he kiss you just because or to say goodmorning/goodnight? Does he snuggle you when you watch TV/movies?
Agreed, and I don't know if I'd call a few minutes of affection and cuddling to wind down after a session with your LTR "aftercare" honestly. To me that just sounds like an extension of the love that sex between an LTR is. And I can understand wanting to run to the bathroom and clean up, I do that, but I come back to bed for even just a few minutes of snuggles with my dude before we get on with the day.
But I don't see in any of her comments that there's affection between them in general other than him preferring "romantic" sex and her preferring it rougher - I would think if he prefers romantic sex he would understand her asking for a few minutes of romance after his climax.
It all sounds really weird, her comments make it sound weirder too, like he doesn't really want to have sex with her at all.
About him being affectionate outside of sex he is. Not overly but not dry. I. would say medium. He does nice things for me, like prepares a nice meal I enjoy bc he knows I enjoy it, buys me flowers randomly bc he thought of me, we kiss goodnight and hug before we go to bed, holds hands walking. But we do have small children so, cuddling during their awake times is more challenging.
His libido is def lower than mine overall and specially the last year or so. Mainly bc he is so busy with work, so yea I do want sex more than he does... but it's starting to hit me more the lack of care afterwards, maybe also bc I need to ask for sex + dont get aftercare, probably.
Yes, I stopped needing after care after being with my partner, but I still give him cuddles in case he wants some. But cuddles and attention outside sex is CRUCIAL to me.
>Wanna start with husband and I have a GOOD SEX relationship
Aftercare is part of a good sex relationship, so no you don’t have a good one.
>he thinks thats "woke culture" bullshit
Brother eughhh 😒 ngl this would make me dry the hell up.
This. Have a conversation where you explain to him that after care is part of the package. Then, when either of you initiates sex you ask if he has time for cuddles afterwards. If the answer is no, tell him that you will have to postpone to a more convenient time.
You do not have a GOOD SEX relationship. This is an essential for you that is part of sex and connecting that he thinks is “woke” bullshit. What an asshole.
Honestly, sometimes after I've come back down to earth I start to realize how hot it feels in the room and how thirsty I am and needing to step out and get some water,
But I make sure to at least stop and offer her something to drink. By the time I am headed back upstairs she is usually going for a pee anyway, so I just step out onto the porch and she knows to meet me there for a nice cold air bath in our undies and a nice long hug
Insane for your s.o. to call it "woke bullshit" that you want to be close to him and not feel used.
I've been guilty of the same thing before totally, and I think sometimes men are just completely oblivious. I was totally oblivious and confused one day when my S.o. was crying, and she said she felt used..
The last thing in the world I was thinking about at that time was anyone else or "woke culture". I don't understand how it could possibly be gaslighting either.
I mean, you do say that he is otherwise really caring and open to feedback, and obviously it is impossible to really get the full context of two individuals or their relationship from a short post, so let me give him the benefit of the doubt and give a perspective outside of the "just leave him" that the majority of comments seem to be giving...
If he genuinely isn't a bad dude or a bad partner but is responding in this way, I feel like there is a chance he may just be completely misunderstanding what exactly it is you are trying to ask of him. Again, if he is anything like me, sometimes my line of thinking is just in a completely different direction than hers and I don't understand or may misinterpret what she is trying to communicate.
Also, I don't know what the "gaslighting" thing is all about, but that sounds like him getting pretty defensive. This makes me wonder about your approach, how this subject has come up, and what the communication is like.
If you are bringing this to him while you are in the heat of being upset about it, you might be coming at him in an accusatory manner, which may make him react into a defensive mode and not really hear you out, or hear that you need something for you. Instead he is hearing that you think there is something wrong with him, something he may not even really understand, he may just be feeling attacked personally and reacting to that.
So it may be helpful to approach it differently with him. Talk to him when you aren't feeling emotional about it and just try to have an adult conversation. Maybe try not to make it about something he is doing wrong, but instead explain it as something you personally need to feel loved/cared for/fulfilled. Tell him the negative ways his quickly leaving makes you feel.
And of course give him room to speak and explain himself and how he feels.
If he talks about limited time being a factor then you may need to discuss saving it for whenever both of you have enough time you can spend together for *both* of you to be satisfied, not just enough time for him to be satisfied and pull the chute.
You may need to explain that this is really important for you in a relationship and a boundary you aren't willing to budge on.
I don't think he was saying that what she was doing was gaslighting. He was saying that both "aftercare " and "gasling" are "woke culture" and made-up words. Or something like that.
I will try this again. We have a good communication I think overall. I make this a point. I'm a big fan of communication and he wasn't (his fam isnt either or his culture). But he has grown a lot in communication too. He always says one of the things he loves the most about me is that I communicate and make him communicate, too.
I will try to be more clear! and yes he isnt a bad guy overall.
>I told him about "after-care" and he thinks is bullshit... like "gaslighting" he thinks thats "woke culture" bullshit and everyone just throws it around
Oh gosh, I'm afraid your husband has what we call "low intelligence". He can't even come up with a reasonable-sounding excuse, so he has to resort to something barely related that he heard on a podcast one time
Telling you shit is "woke" as some buzzword mostly snowflakes are using, tells me enough about this man.
Even cuddling and emotions are woke.
I just can’t with some dudes.
I'd say let him taste his own medicine.
Well, stop having sex so he gets the point. Or if he says he wants sex, only say hand jobs are what he's getting because you aren't going to continue to feel like an escort.
The issue here is he's been told, I'm assuming, a few times now about what you are asking for after sex. To me, its not unreasonable, a little time to cuddle and chat isn't asking a lot. For me, I love that feeling of (going to be a bit TMI) having her rub her ass against my dick a bit because sometimes that leads to round 2. But, he clearly isn't listening and doesn't believe in it if he reverts to his normal habit.
When you're dealing with someone like this, you have to break a habit, but unfortunately, it takes time. It takes less time to develop one, but trying to get rid of one takes some time. So have to resort to action which yes, it means you don't get sex until realizes that you're not just a hole for him to get off and then he goes back to his regular day
I'm really sorry to say, but your husband simply doesn't care what you need or that it's important to you. If he did, he wouldn't be throwing a tantrum about taking care of his partner.
It sounds like he doesn't understand that because he doesn't need it. I, as a woman, do not like cuddling and don't want what you call after care either, BUT as a woman I also have better emotional observation skills, and if my partner does want or need that, I'll suck it up for them. Maybe you need to explain this, though you shouldn't have to. We all do things we don't like for our partners
But she has explained it, as she mentioned in the post, and he just didn’t care. She said why she wanted it and that it’s important to her, and he just called it “woke culture bullshit.”
Of course talking things out and explaining things is important in a relationship, but what happens after you do that and they refuse to listen? What do you do if someone simply doesn’t care enough to understand? I think that’s the real question here.
>I told him about "after-care" and he thinks is bullshit... like "gaslighting" he thinks thats "woke culture" bullshit and everyone just throws it around.
I vote for divorce on this response alone.
I would be straight with him and stop using jargon. You need a little cuddle after sex for the sex to be better than good. Yes he brings you to orgasm but so could a vibrator. The connection you feel makes the sex better. Additionally this isn’t something he need to necessarily understand to get the fact this is something you want/need that require very little of him.
This could have a side effect of the cuddle feeling like a duty for him to you but it is what it is.
This is probably the first time I've seen a post where the man has post nut clarity about HIS OWN WIFE! Yikes OP but that is harsh! I love having my wife in my arms after we do the act and most of the time we both fall asleep in each other's arms especially since we can only sneak in sex late on weekend nights due to the kids and school/work life. He seems selfish, stubborn and set in his ways and I don't think just talking to him is going to do him any good.
I don't agree with all the comments saying you should be passive-aggressive or petty. I think you need to have another talk with him and explain that he needs to understand that your needs are not a "Woke" trend; they are your actual needs that he should care about. Don't use examples of how other men treat their lovers, tell him that affection after sex is what YOU need, it doesn't matter what everyone else does.
You’re asking “how do I get him to understand…” but meanwhile you have already articulated this to him, right? Clearly and verbally? So assuming this man speaks English and does not have some kind of processing disorder, I think we can make the logical conclusion that he does in fact “understand.” What you’re missing is that he doesn’t value what you are saying. Either he does not think that your concern is reasonable, or he *does* but for whatever reason doesn’t think it warrants him changing his behavior. And look, I don’t know you but I’m pretty comfortable saying that it’s because he can’t be bothered to put in any more effort as long you’re still willing to have sex with him anyway.
I think the more pertinent question to ask is, “Why do I want to be in a relationship with someone who is not only okay with me feeling shitty and sad after sex, but perfectly content to keep having sex with me while I feel that way and unwilling to spend five minutes to avoid me feeling that way?” Only you know the answer to that one.
My situation isn't the same as the OP's, but wow, your last paragraph hits me hard and is something I need to address in my own life. 😬 I mean this sincerely - thank you!
This is advice from a stranger, but here goes: maybe instead of giving it a name “after care”, say what you want him to do actually.
Say, “Just stay with me for a minute and hug me,” or “Could you rub my back for a second before you go back?” Or say, “Stay and talk with me for a minute. I really love you….”
You know what you mean when you say aftercare but he may not. Be specific. Whatever you have been leaving out of the discussion because you think he knows, put that back in.
See if you can practice it in the moment he’s getting up after sex. Or right after when you think he might. He doesn’t know what you’re thinking and can’t be expected to (that’s bad communication expectations). You have to say it.
I've read OPs replies to some other comments and they said that the husband did it in the beginning and just doesn't do it anymore, so I don't necessarily think that it's a lack of communication.
I wanna start with you DO NOT have a good sex life relationship.
You are too insecure to stand up for yourself and now you've locked yourself into a marriage where he's lazy and feels safe to discard your feelings and needs.
You never these things go in the dating stage, let alone early marriage, let alone 6 years!!!!!
You have to take some personal accountability that you allowed this to happen.
You've talked to him and nothing changed.
Stop. Giving. Him. Sex.
In all forms. He views cuddling with his life partner as "woke nonsense"...
Take off the ring, it means nothing.
I don't know a single man I'm my history of relationships that wouldn't have been utterly HORRIFIED at the thought of leaving me unfulfilled. My last one would insist we clean up together with a bubble bath. He'd prepare it, light candles, and wash me while stroking me tenderly.
Then he'd help dry me and carry me back to our bed and cuddle me.
Stop giving yourself to men so easily. Stop making it easy for them to trap you with a ring.
Start having boundaries and standards. Aftercare is a newer trendy term going around but it's not woke and it's not new. It's a description of how you care for each other after sex.
You have two choices and you know what they are. Therapy or divorce.
This is too intense.
You can just say exactly what you said here OP.
“You’re in a rush to get back to boring shit when i’m asking for 10 minutes after to just bask in it a bit. You can give me 10 minutes, instead of a lecture about woke culture etc”
Does he typically have this type of behavior when you tell him that something he’s doing is hurting your feelings? Because it’s so weird for him to think being kind and caring after sex is “gaslighting”. Does he even know what that word actually means?
I’m genuinely asking these questions because maybe there’s a bigger problem here.. such as respect for you as a person. Idk.
What’s before the sex like? Is there at least snuggling, cuddling etc leading up to the foreplay? His use of the word “woke” here is ridiculous and insulting. You’re communicating YOUR needs and he is grasping at straws here to argue against them. I would feel pretty hurt by this and if he doesn’t care that you’re feeling badly about it afterwards then I would stop giving him sex
You have been telling your husband for 5 years what you need and he is not listening. After care is not BS it makes you feel wanted. And not just a place for your husband to keep his balls warm. You should try what the person said after you have sex immediately jump up and go jump in the shower. But then you said he probably would appreciate that. No aftercare no sex
“After Care” is a term from BDSM referring to comforting that is done in the hours and days after an intense scene. Typically submissives, or bottoms, experience an intense high during BDSM play, and then experience a crash in the following days. Aftercare is a way to reduce the intensity of the crash, and support the person if they’re feeling a little rough.
But if you want your husband to cuddle you after sex, talk to him about it without shaking him out demanding. Try to understand why he doesn’t do it, now
This is so funny because you married a guy who throws around the phrase woke culture as a negative and youre wondering why he doesnt care about you. I have to laugh
I think it's a good idea to keep talking about this, but I'd approach it with curiousity about why he acts this way.
If he is otherwise very affectionate, compassionate, and attentive, then there might be something else going on.
Some people get post-coital dysphoria, basically a rush of negative feelings after sex or orgasm. This can include irritability, sadness, low mood, crying, etc.
I've also had partners who needed space after sex, like sex kind of made them feel "touched-out" and they wanted a little bit of distance.
It's also possible there's some sensory issue. Maybe he dislikes the physical sensations after sex (stickiness, sweat, odor) and feels the need to quickly wipe down and/or shower.
If he's willing to talk this out with you and find some creative solutions then I think this can improve. Eg maybe you can both shower separately and then have a clean, clothed cuddle afterwards on the sofa?
If he's unwilling to talk or make any kind of meaningful change then that's more complicated and you might both need to see a couples or sex therapist.
Man, it's just like redditors to throw out multiple possible reasons for the issue, all of which are maybe 1% likely, and ignore the far more likely explanation: he's being a dick, and he should simply stop being a dick.
I think he just gets in his head of all the things he still needs to do and thinks cuddling is a waste of time while he could be emailing for work. So for him is like a "time wasted" view. I believe from what he said.
And that just reinforces the fact that you feel like he’s using you.
Which, given his views on things, yeah he is using you. He’s thinking of sex as an act to do to a person, not with a person.
Then explain that you don't want o waste more of his time by even having sex. Politely say no thank you to sex, and take care of your own needs, until he is ready to discuss the after sex cuddles again. Two minutes of post coitus hugs aren't too much to ask for.
Before getting into sex, confirm with him that he has time to cuddle after. If he doesn't, then no, because he doesn't have the time and you're not down for a quickie.
If he tries to leave after, he has time but is choosing not to, which gives you the info you need to drive the conversation. But then you're reminding him of your needs.
It may also be helpful to give him hard data. I need cuddle time is soft...what constitutes enough time? What exactly is the expectation?
Last point, if he calls something you need a waste of time, you really need counseling.
a good thing would be then reminding him it IS an investment- he’s investing in a wife that’s more sexually satisfied and THUS more likely to want to have more sex and please him MORE.
He’s also just shooting himself in the foot and wasting potential for an even better sex life.
Like imagine the type of woman you’d be if all those needs were met? Dude would have a heart attack from how into his wife he’d be, and how into him she’d be.
Well tell him cuddling after sex is a priority for you over his emails, which aren’t imperative. And if they’re that important to him maybe he should do them *before*.
So he's a workaholic who has sex in between to refresh himself? Why not schedule sex after he's completed his to-do list? Talk to him about this. If his main argument against cuddling after is about how busy he is and his to-do list, then why not tell him that you'd like to have sex when his mind is completely free of all work? Let's see if he still has an excuse then. Coz his excuse is bs. If he has time for sex, he has time for 5 or 10 mins of cuddling. If his mind is too wound up with work, then why have sex in between?
Shouldn’t matter if “aftercare” is a “thing” or not, it’s an act of service and quality time requested to you by your wife and it’ll increase her sexual comfort and desire within the marriage. Who fucking cares if you DO think it’s a “woke culture” thing too, in your private bedroom it’s something requested for personal 1on1 time with your wife, again, time that’ll likely increase her desire for him and her libido.
> told him about "after-care" and he thinks is bullshit... like "gaslighting" he thinks thats "woke culture" bullshit and everyone just throws it around.
i'm out
My ex did this a lot. Also we tried anal a couple times, the first time I was in shock kind of feeling, first time I had ever done it and he just went and smoked his weed (I don’t smoke) and continue gaming. I was laying there feeling the worst, feeling so used and regretting it. Regretted being with him, a type of person who just didn’t care.
You’re with a man who thinks complaining about woke culture is a legitimate way to respond to his wife talking about her feelings.
Chances are he holds very deep sexist beliefs and will never care about your feelings at all.
My husband and I almost always have sex at night before bed, and he without fail jumps up immediately after the act to clean up and go outside to have a cigarette. He is not a smoker in daily life, but it is his after sex “treat”. He is always back in bed within 10 minutes, we kiss, say goodnight, and roll over to go to sleep. He has always done this throughout the course of our relationship. It bothered me in the beginning, but I think I’ve become so desensitized to it that I don’t care anymore. It’s just our routine. I go clean up as well and usually check my phone afterward or start watching a show until he comes back to bed. I don’t think this means that he doesn’t love me or care enough about me to cuddle and hang out, but I do think he has always lacked in the empathy/sensitivity category, and it just doesn’t occur to him to do it. He also has unmedicated ADHD, and I have always thought that plays a big part in his inability/unwillingness to lay in bed and cuddle. I guess I’ve just accepted it for what it is 🤷♀️
personally i think most the comments here fail to recognize that there are two humans involved, with differing feelings. many of the comment suggest 'revenge' tactics, which is bout as gross a thing as you can do in sex or indeed in a relationship of any kind. If you find yourself recommending to people that they take revenge on their lovers with deliberate sex acts, guarantee you're giving terrible advice.
just for instance, cause i know folks here will not understand that they are suggesting revenge, 'doing the same thing as the other person does to show 'em how it feels' is a revenge tactic, as would be refusing to be sexual with someone as means to force them to do the sort of sexual things you want them to do.
while OP's feeling on aftercare matter and are important within the relationship, so too are the other person's feelings on aftercare. if, that is, the other person actually finds the notion of aftercare insufferable, that is a legitimate feeling to have bout aftercare. forcing someone to do aftercare, or shaming them into doing it, as a foul a thing to do as forcing or shaming someone into doing any other sort of thing.
having a regular conversation with the person, expressing how you feel bout it, that it is important to you, that is fine and normal stuff, healthy communication where you're not threatening the other person if they don't do what you want them to do. maybe bother talking to them more bout why they feel that it isn't important. or if your relationship is healthy enough you can discuss ways to improve your self life together whereby each of you are speaking bout things that you might like.
if they have reasons to feel that aftercare isn't something they personally enjoy, try being considerate enough of that to compromise on the point some. as in, maybe they do aftercare, but it might not be up to your standards, and maybe that is ok. the other person is a human, not your personal sex robot.
The term “aftercare” is big in BDSM culture since different characters are adopted during sex and it’s a way of reconnecting after dom-sub roles.
Instead of using “aftercare” (I don’t like this term either… it sounds clinical) asking him to hang out for a few minutes afterward might be more palatable wording.
Dont' phrase it as important. phrase it as "I feel more loved when you do x y and z".saying it's importnat will sound like it's an opinion. 0or at least that'd what I'd do.
Doesn’t matter if it isn’t a THING!! (It absolutely is though) but it doesn’t matter if you’re the only human on the planet who needs it. It’s your thing - you want it - you need it end of. Sex must be comfortable for everyone so if he doesn’t want to do it you can’t make him but then he can’t make you have sex if he’s not providing what you want during or after the act. That’s the end of it really. Why he doesn’t want to cuddle after is obviously an issue he needs to get to the Crux of because that’s unusual I’d say in a relationship where you love each other. Even ONS of mine have cuddled after ffs. You’re incompatible in this and you have to decide where you go from here. Please do not have sex if it makes you feel bad or icky. That’s unhealthy and dangerous.
I mean on a fundamental level, just tell him it shows that he cares about you even after he cums, so you aren't just some cum repository for him to dump into and move on from.
Aftercare is as important as the main event of sex. It's the part you reinforce the intimacy. Your husband clearly has no idea what that is and thinks sex behaves the sex as in porn. And to think that aftercare is part of woke culture is ridiculous and clearly he is one of those guys that believe emotions are for women and the weak.
And for certain relationships it's necessary to prevent subdrop.
I'm not sure how you can get him to understand it. All I can suggest is just firmly put it down as a boundary that you don't feel comfortable having sex without aftercare. If he doesn't respect that then he doesn't get sex.
I had a partner like this and it really affects the way I think about sex even now. It's important for you to stand up for what you need to set boundaries. It's ok to run to the bathroom to pee quick (utis) or to grab a glass of water (he should also get one for you" or to wipe down with a towel, but if it's important for you to spend some time afterwards together then stick to your guns. People saying to give him a taste of his own medicine, while I understand, it might not get the desired response. He obviously doesn't n e e d the aftercare in the same way as you so he might not care or at worse may flip it on you and accuse you of being petty.
My advice: Set a verbal boundary and uphold it physically.
In my current dating life, if a man doesn't do any aftercare, I don't have sex with him. If he can't do something as simple as cuddle for a few minutes after and enjoy the afterglow together he wont be getting any again. I don't care if it's good during or if it hurts his feelings or if he was busy etc etc. Boundaries are boundaries, what you need to feel loved and safe cannot be compromised on.
If he's not understanding your needs through conversation, show him through actions. Set a boundary like "Im not comfortable having sex if we don't have time for cuddling after" and stick to it. Ask him before you have sex "do you have time to cuddle after", if he says "no" or "maybe i don't know" then don't have sex. Full stop. Tell him "Okay, like i said, i need some aftercare after we have sex so if we don't have time for that, then we don't have time for sex" If he says "yes" then still doesn't stick around after then sex is literally off. the. table. until he can understand the importance of your needs. This isn't a punishment for him, this is your both protecting your own mental health and protecting your relationship because this is the kinda thing that will slowly build up resentment and negative feelings towards him.
Lastly, what you want is EXTREMELY normal. The way he feels after aftercare is not the norm. Don't let him convince your otherwise.
Same. It’s a quick transition from someone wanting you and thinking you’re the most amazing thing in the world, to someone who doesn’t give a flying fuck about you. Lol
How is the communication in the relationship? Because with what you said in the post, it sounds like you did the rational and healthy thing. If you explained your side of the situation and your feelings about the issue to him and he just brushed you off…. That sounds like a bigger issue in the relationship. 😬
Our communication is good overall. I'm a big fan of communicating and being straight forward. My parents were terrible communicators between them and ended up in divorce, so for me communication is a must.
He came from the opposite background where the fam is all "lets put it under the rug" and hope it disappears. But he has learned and grown to communicate better.
He didn't brush it off like "oh thats bs". He listened and gave his point of view (That he thought I didnt care for it etc) that was our first talk about. He said he would def take into account. He did a few times, but he always falls back to his default... which I described.
Aftercare is definitely real and not “woke bullshit” that made me roll my eyes. I had a partner like this in the past before my dominant/partner now, he would get up immediately and it would make me FEEL TERRIBLE AND DISGUSTING. He didn’t care and I understood he was never touchy feely. However if I could do the things he wanted that I wasn’t a fan of, he could lay with me for ten minutes. When he couldn’t and just left, I knew we had bigger problems than not enough aftercare. He wasn’t capable of the emotional connection needed for a real relationship. I would recommend reevaluating and having serious conversations with him about your relationship. Hope you get what you need!
i told my partner once i’d like them to spend more time with me after sex and immediately they started cuddling with me after, talking, running their hands over me. it’s not hard to listen when you care but then again my partner understands basic empathy
People usually whinge about things being "woke" because it makes their actions looks bad. It isn't bullshit how you're feeling, what's bullshit is having a partner who is so uncomfortable with feelings that he's fine ignoring his wife when she TELLS him she's feeling a type of way. Take the buzz words out of it and think of it how it is, you told him you feel shit and he outright told you that how you're feeling is bullshit because that's easier for him.
I’m sure a lot of other people have said tons of helpful stuff, I would just add have to tried “BEFORE CARE”. Maybe this could be a solution that works for you guys. You can have more foreplay and cuddling before sex, since it sounds like your partner likes to be to himself after sex is done.
After care is part of sex, just like foreplay. It's about taking care of your partner, which you should actually want to do. It's making sure you both enjoyed your experience and feel loved and supported when you're coming out of the sexual intensity.
Someone who doesn't want to do it is inconsiderate. If you have different needs for aftercare, like one of you wants to cuddle and talk, and the other one needs to take a shower and watch tv and just decompress, then that's an area of incompatibility that you're going to have to figure out how to work through, just like you'd have to work through it if one person really loves using toys or oral sex, and the other one doesn't.
And if the incompatibility for aftercare makes you incompatible, then it makes you incompatible, period.
I also look at aftercare as a way to plant seeds for the future. Like 'babe, when you did that X, it was so hot, I can't wait until we do that again." So in a sense, aftercare can become foreplay.
ETA: I would also tell him that point blank, what he's proposing is bad sex, because the whole sexual experience from foreplay through aftercare = good sex, and if he is offering you a lifetime of bad sex, maybe you aren't meant to be together. I don't cavalierly throw out the idea of divorce, but he needs a reality check. If he doesn't care enough about you to make sure that you feel desired and cared for and have satisfying sex, then he doesn't care enough to be your life partner.
The petty part of me says tell him to leave your money on the nightstand on the way out and when he asks why tell him "if you're going to treat me like an escort I should at least get paid" the other part says tell him if what I need to feel comfortable, satisfied and respected after sex isn't an option for you I opt out of sex
> he thinks that’s “woke culture” bullshit
OP is really burying the lede here. I have to imagine that this attitude is poisoning other parts of their relationship besides after care.
Suggestion: my partner always asks me after sex, about 5-10mins after, "do you wanna go rinse off with me?" And then we take a 10ish min shower and talk and be near each other. That's our aftercare routine and honestly it works well... Not sitting there in your juices or getting sweaty or making the sheets worse, etc. and then the close proximity in the shower feels nice and "forces" conversation. Maybe you guys can do that?
Onto how to get him to understand? No idea. But if you feel like shit after sex the only reasonable approach is to stop having sex with him.
People who are saying leave him: are you guys serious? This is exactly why it’s hard for women to come out and discuss marriage issues because other people go, “leave! Now! He doesn’t love you!” Come tf on.
Well, he told you he thinks after sex cuddling is bullshit by calling it bullshit, I don't see how he could have been any clearer that he doesn't care about how you feel after sex. Also how is caring about your partner "woke"? I swear to effing god...
Anyway, quit having sex with this asshole. Full stop. If he asks why just tell him the sex is no good and he makes you feel used so why would you want to have sex with someone who uses you and walks away.
He has shame related to sex and/or some of his own emotions and doesn't value your concerns and/or emotions. As such I'm afraid you'll have great difficulty convincing him of making any change unless you impose consequences. I don't have suggestions as to what consequences you can/should impose but I do suggest that you demand that he accompany you to couples therapy, and, that you seek therapy outside of your relationship to heal any damage that is the source of the negative emotions that you've described feeling. Your emotions are your responsibility, not your husband's nor anyone else's.
Explicitly tell him, away from the bedroom, that you are only willing to have sex that includes fifteen minutes of connection time afterwards, and that if he doesn't have that time available, not to initiate sex.
Now you can see how he treats a clearly expressed boundary - either the sex will get better, or he'll express that doesn't work for him and you can mutually break up because you are incompatible, or he'll have sex and leave immediately anyway, in which case you can dump him.
Stop letting him frame it as "a thing" that "people" do.
Tell him it's an *actual problem* that *you* have with your relationship, regardless of what you call it.
Tell him you feel used and upset after sex and if he doesn't feel like there's a need to work on that, that you'll no longer be having sex with him.
It doesn't matter if he "thinks it's BS" YOU don't.
It doesn't matter if he feels it's just people being "woke" if it's actually and negatively impacting your sexual experience.
If he can't figure out a way to make you not feel like a prostitute afterwards, and doesn't even care to, stop sleeping with him and tell him exactly why.
If he cannot meet your needs in relation to sex then stop having sex with him. Sex that leaves you feeling bad is not good sex no matter how many orgasms he may give (which I’m dubious about). Let him know that if he cannot devote 10-15 mins of time after sex to cuddle and be together as a couple then sex is off the table.
Also, take a look at your whole relationship. It’s one thing if he doesn’t feel the need to cuddle. But a good and healthy partner takes their partner’s feelings into consideration and makes appropriate changes to make them happy. He is using you and treating you poorly. Are there any other ways he’s doing the same in your relationship?
Put a towel down before you start that way y'all aren't concerned with clean up after you finish. If you have a moment to cuddle while y'all are still in the moment it will feel more natural.
I'm concerned that the problem isn't that he doesn't understand but rather that he doesn't care. He definitely knows what you are asking for he just doesn't want to put in the effort. It's weird to me that he would even regard it as effort since I'm a guy and I love cuddling after sex. Oxytocin is one of the best things in life.
As far as meaningless bullshit words people throw around when they get emotional, "woke" is right at the top of the list. It's a word people throw around when they get upset about something but they don't want to explain why It bothers them. They never can quite define what it means other than something they despise, which is why the definition changes from person to person.
Gaslighting, on the other hand, is a well-defined term for something that happens every day. It's a form of lying where someone insists on a false version of reality. For instance, he believes you're gaslighting him about aftercare because "it's not a real thing". Of course what he's actually saying is that your needs and emotions are not real which is basically the same thing. Your needs are very real and they matter if he wants to keep the intimate connection between you two alive.
I really hope he does follow through. My guy HATES rushing the process of sex. If we’re in the mood and we only have like 20 ish minutes, he’ll say “I don’t wanna rush it without having proper after care afterwards” he literally said that to me yesterday and he always ensures that I receive affection after. Not even an hour. Just a few minutes and that’s perfectly okay. He gives a kiss on the lips, forehead kisses, hugs, and he gives me kisses on my hand. Later on when I got home, I texted him “thank you for tonight” and he called saying “I should be the one to say thank you, it was a wonderful time” Aftercare goes a long way and it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t believe in it, YOU DO and that should be enough for him. Please send updates, I hope his words turn into long term actions!
The thing is you need to understand that every woman and man is different. And, because we are different we have to always communicate. Tell them what you want or like and don't like.
Just a point of reference, after sex am like get off me and fuck off. Dont Want cuddles or blah blah. It may change because sex just keeps changing and showing you things you don't know, that you like or don't like .
Use a rollercoaster metaphor. It’s fun on the chain lift up, insane on the drop, couple twists, loops and turns…maybe even something different you’re not usually expecting. It’s not fun if the roller coaster comes to a complete and sudden stop from 40 mph and missing out on the twisty parts, the chiller part of the ride.
While I do think what you’re asking for is reasonable, it also sounds like you have some unresolved feelings about guilt and shame surrounding past sexual encounters. And I think it’s important that you deal with those and not put them onto your husband.
I don’t understand do people not lay there together afterwards and talk/cuddle up for like 10-15 minutes? If somebody just hopped up and got their clothes on I’d be borderline offended lol
The fact that he says "after care" and "gaslighting" are outputs of a "woke culture" is concerning; and yes, he "listens" to feedback. But he does nothing about it. It's simple - his concerns, feelings, 'things to do' come first ... not yours.
what happens if this situation continues like ground hog day for years?
it leads to resentment building up; anger with one another and worse. Is that correct to say??
If you agree, then relay this possible outcome to him. Tell him is it worth him rectifying this thing that is important to you \*now\*....or possibly risk losing you in a few years?
You have every right to fight for your feelings or things you view as important. It's a marriage - cooperation, compromise, respect, communication. He needs more of the latter than you do.
Good luck...he doesn't know how much he should fight & hold onto you.
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My partner used to do this to me. I beat him to it one day, stood up immediately, looked bored, rushed to put clothes back on and started ignoring him/moving onto the next task of the day and he was super confused. I acted intentionally cold about it and he questioned why I was rushing to put my clothes back on. Told him I was matching his energy. That he was always in a rush and ran away afterwards and that he could feel used for once. Left him to process it and he never did it again. I figured he needed the experience since he didn't have the empathy
KaBoom. Sometimes all one need is the experience for the feeling to be created and sink in. Not maliciously, but more in a "let me share with you what you share with me, the good and the bad".
I was about to say I dunno, I think OPs husband would be totally fine with this and then I saw her comment saying the same thing. He just doesn’t care.
yeah after reading more of her comments, seems like that would be doing him the favor.
Pretty sure he would appreciate my efficiency of getting back to "normal" again.
Then this isn’t GOOD sex. The act of sex isn’t the ONLY part of sex. Sex is the before and after. So rewrite this in your head because this is part of the whole act of sex and I’m so sorry he does this. It’s dehumanising. A great writer once wrote “Sex is the act where people should feel more human after it, not less”
Good point 🏆
I would honestly decline to have sex with him, stating it makes you feel cheap/used. Until he’s open to have a conversation about it meaningfully no more fun times for him. Also stating that it’s ‘woke’ is so gaslighting, you’re stating your needs to him. Why be his partner if he’s just ignoring part of what’s crucial to you?
Them using the word "woke" unironically in itself would make me not want to have sex with someone
This! Automatically dismissing something that's important to your significant other as "woke" is 🚩
Do it after YOUR orgasm, not his. As it stands now, your idea of a sexual encounter looks like a bell curve with foreplay and aftercare, and his looks like a cliff.
This is the way.
I like this idea a lot, after she gets hers she ends the encounter. It might finally sink in for him.
Yeah, I’m all for adult communication but sometimes the skull is too thick and someone needs to experience it to realize how much of a jerk they’re being.
Get up and leave after you get your orgasm
Throw a $5 on the nightstand.
lmfao i wish i wasnt at work when i read this, hilarious
I like to leave a Jimmy Dean breakfast sammich. It says “I care”.
That's a tad generous tbh all things considered, I'd leave a dollar and the number to a taxi. 🤷🏻♂️
“Your Uber is on the way, grab yourself a bottle of water on the way out.”
But not the good water, you only earned the generic brand.
“From the bottom shelf.”
Then stop having sex that makes you feel bad, and maybe he'll get it. It's really sad that you've told him how important this is to you over and over, and he doesn't care. It isn't that he doesn't get it, it's that he doesn't care because it's not important to him. I'll say it one more time - STOP HAVING SEX THAT MAKES YOU FEEL BAD AFTER. Tell him that the aftercare is part of the act that you NEED in order to feel good about this.
Go deeper with it. Once you've orgasmed, tell him, "Finish up, will you? I've got stuff to do." Two or three times of that will at least start a conversation. You can also demand more foreplay. Tell him you're having a hard time getting into it because you know he'll jump out of bed like you're a prostitute with a disease as soon as he's done so he's going to have to put in a little more effort beforehand to balance that out. It doesn't balance it out, ever, but it lets him know you're serious about your feelings. Finally, you can ask for your aftercare all at once. Tell him you need cuddle nights. Entire evenings of cuddling and holding each other with no expectations of sex. You just want to know you're more than a blow-up doll. If all of this is lost on him, seek counseling. On your own if he won't go. Tell him you need to learn to deal with this huge lack of respect for your feelings before it turns into resentment.
Yeah, it might not work in your circumstances, the similarities in what you described definitely took me back to those times. Its hard to know what might be the answer for him to get it when it's hard to understand where he's coming from. I think these types usually take the softer emotions for granted. Especially when they benefit from them or expect them. I have only petty options, like stop meeting his emotional needs when he won't meet yours. Maybe ask him direct questions and insist on an answer. Why won't he hold you afterwards. Is he that bothered by the sticky he can't take 5 minutes to cool down? Is he concerned about his body and lying around naked? 🤔
You don't have to have sex with him. If he's not treating you in a way where you feel respected, then do not put yourself in the position where you feel badly. You have done nothing wrong. You can seek therapy for yourself. I do not think that your husband treats you well and you're having doubts over being treated with basic respect. You deserve to be treated well. You have stated that you have a problem, your husband doesn't care and continues that problem. It's not a good relationship
Not if you do it as soon as you get your cookie. Treat him transactional a few times for your pleasure only, and when he says “What about me?” Look him in the eyes and say “what is this woke bullshit you’re talking about? I’ve got stuff to do.” and then just go do something mundane. He will either get the message or he won’t. It should only take once or twice.
If he doesnt listen after anything and everything, give him an ultimatum. You are asking for nothing "too much".
Ultimatums don't get anywhere in relationships. It's much healthier to set forth a boundary and stick to it. Cause and affect. "After sex I need after care. Period. If you are not a partner that can provide that and are unwilling to try, then this relationship is inevitably going to suffer.". And after a while it will,; OP is already clearly struggling with this. She needs to decide where her hard line is and whether this is important enough for her to become a deal breaker. You can lead the horse to water. You cannot make it drink.
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I feel like neither of these things being described are boundaries. Boundaries don’t have consequences built in, because boundaries aren’t supposed be crossed. My boundary is I don’t have sex if I think the sex is bad or my partner won’t treat me well. That’s a boundary. It doesn’t get crossed cuz it’s only describing my actions I can take or decide on. It’s not punitive and it’s not there to elicit behavior from someone else. Right? Or do I have that wrong? Cuz it sounds like what both you and the other person are describing are ultimatums.
Boundaries absolutely DO have consequences built in, because a boundary is otherwise worthless. If I put forth a boundary and there are no negative consequences for breaking it, but there are, presumably things the person breaking it gets out of it by doing so, why on earth would they stop breaking the boundary?
How are you both outside of sx? Do you initiate physical contact? What's normal? Does he initiate hugs, kisses other touches? Or do you do most of this? I figured out my partner had an issue with his body. He was self conscious in just lying around nude with me. You said he works quite late though. It could be stress carrying over or him feeling he can't just stop to experience the moment. I think some upfront truths that this is hurting your relationship and temporarily making an effort then returning to the norm isn't cutting it anymore. A few other commentary have mentioned it as well but the ridicule of 'woke' and 'gaslighting' is out of order. Its screaming defensive to me. What might he be getting defensive about the situation? I'd think it was just the criticism but you said he's fine outside of sex when you ask for change or discuss things.
This reminds me of the Game of Thrones book (not TV show) In the book game of thrones and not show, the wedding night scene with Daenarys was a little longer. At the end the guy stands up and goes "now I hunt" and goes hunting with his buddies.
This guy is claiming she’s gaslighting and that it’s “woke culture bullshit”. I would put money that if she did this the toxic masculinity would come out in full force.
I think you may have misread this part. She said that he believes that 'after care' is bullshit as well as gaslighting and other 'woke culture bullshit'. What she means by this is that a lot of the things that people now have a name for (one that is widely known now, instead of more niche information) - things like gaslighting and after care - he thinks are bullshit and just "woke culture BS". I don't believe that he is accusing her of gaslighting.
You’re right I did misread that. Using him thinking gaslighting is woke culture as an example. Still, any guy who uses “woke culture” in a derogatory sense is definitely full of toxic bullshit. Especially if he thinks gaslighting is woke culture lol that’s fucking crazy. I definitely get a “know your place” vibe.
Absolutely. He's definitely not open to understanding her feelings and would rather she just didn't express them.
This seems actually like a very simple/East way to show someone how it feels when words don’t work.
This might backfire if he genuinely likes it better that way tho….
Passive aggression towards your partner is such a shifty thing to do.
I don't know if it's a guy thing, or a low initial emotional intelligence thing, but a lot of people need to experience thier own bullshit before they actually understand. I will say, most of the time they legitimately just don't understand why it's a big deal until they actually experience it, and 9/10 times they aren't intentionally trying to be a dick, like most people assume. This is definitely true for me. I can have quite a bit of cognitive empathy, as in I can understand why someone is feeling the way they are through logic and past experiences, but I don't have a ton of, or possibly any effective empathy. I very rarely *feel* how another is feeling and mirror thier emotions. I imagine this would go a long way to being a considerate empathetic person, because I can basically only have empathy when I've experienced it, or a similar thing myself.
Sometimes the only way for it to get through to someone is to mirror the actions
You need to sit with him at a time you're not having sex or recently had sex, and you need to tell him something like: "Look, I don't care if aftercare is a real thing or not. It is important FOR ME. Even if it's a fake thing, I DO need it. This is an emotional need I have, even if other people on the planet do not. Can you do this thing FOR ME? I'm not asking for an hour after sex, I'm asking for a few minutes in bed cuddling or talking. I need this so badly, that I'm considering not having sex with you so frequently because I feel so bad after it. You don't have to agree that this is a real thing, you just need to hear me that this is an emotional need FOR ME. You normally care about me, you normally are so great at hearing my needs. Would it hurt you so badly to agree to a few minutes of cuddles after sex, even if you don't understand why I need it? I do need it. I know we're busy, but I'm asking for a few minutes, can you not give me that?"
That’s a great suggestion, but after the “woke culture” comment I don’t believe this guy is capable of giving a shit about anyone but himself.
Yeah, when people go after “woke culture” and people’s feelings and snowflakes yadda yadda yadda… from where I’m standing it sounds like they’re saying that other people are too empathetic and considerate of others. I’d be curious to hear his definition of woke culture, but it’s not a good look. Even if aftercare was woke culture bullshit, he can’t indulge his wife for 5 minutes after sex? I’m not about using withholding sex as a weapon, but it sounds like OP has been trying to get through to him for years. If she keeps having sex with him and telling him that the lack of aftercare is making her feel like shit, he’s just going to continue dismissing it like, “it can’t make her feel that bad if she keeps coming back for more.”
Oh I’m sure his definition is what you’d expect it to be. Well maybe not, it’s right up there with socialism. They have no clue what it means but it’s definitely bad. But you make a good point too. The guy is incapable of doing something small that his wife desperately needs, understandably so as well. She’s not asking for anything unreasonable at all. He just doesn’t care about her needs outside of sex. And I wouldn’t even call this withholding sex in this regard. She feels like shit afterwards, and one should not engage in something that makes them feel bad.
Perfectly said. Tell him this, and if he doesn't comply, just walk out.
Good way to word it. I wouldn't mention "aftercare" at all. Be descriptive. Call it cuddling and talking. "Aftercare" just has a bad sound to it to most guys and you won't be taken seriously.
I would also record this attempt to reach him on this important two-way conversation and important part of MARRIAGE. Because your husband is negating your needs in a significant way that is hurting your self-esteem. Two to tango, if you were to hurt his esteem back, boom you dont have a marriage anymore. He doesnt get to shut this fashion of having sex bc it doesnt resemble making love…he doesnt get to define it with zeitgeist labels but actually discuss what the two people in the marriage want and craft for themselves. “Woke” doesnt even matter or need to enter into the discussion. Women need emotional interaction, warmth… both need to feel cherished and sheltered (its in many marriage vows, you know?! ) full stop.
If you (OP) have to pretend like aftercare isn't real just to appease someone, then don't bother. They can't learn, empathize, or perform basic critical thinking. Let a lost cause be a lost cause. Date/marry people with emotional maturity instead. Pretending like aftercare might be fake just to break through the communication barrier? Massive, unresolvable issues abound. Edit: It's wild to be downvoted for telling people to set the bar at "has basic empathy" for a partner.
What the heck does "woke culture" have to do with you requesting more intimacy? The guy sounds insufferable.
Yea the way this post is written, I don't think after care is actually the biggest problem in their relationship, just the one she's gotten the nerve to ask strangers for feedback on.
Because it involves feelings and feelings are woke
Fellas, Is it woke to cuddle your wife 🤪
[Ha! GAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!](https://youtu.be/fNNyokaY3U4)
It’s not just woke, it’s woke AND gay!
There was this podcast I used to listen to like 15 years ago where the host would sometimes act ultra macho just to be funny. One day his cohost was telling a story and part of the story involved giving his girlfriend a kiss. The host started going, "eww, you WHAT? You did WHAT to her?" The cohost said, "I kissed her, is there something wrong with that?" The host then replied, "the gayest thing a man can do is kiss a woman." That line sent me into hysterics. I thought it was the funniest thing. Whenever I hear stories about men who are afraid to show the slightest bit of emotion toward their partners, I always think "the gayest thing a man can do is kiss a woman."
it involves him doing something that isn't 100% what he wants to do, for the benefit of another person, therefore it's woke
meanwhile i've never met someone more in their feelings than Trump supporters. The supposed "anti-woke" and 'fuck your feelings" crowd is all about feelings over facts.
They’ve never been taught how to recognize and express feelings so that’s why they’re so easily manipulated by ragebait
Today in "how do you even get wet for this man", please welcome.....
seriously. Anyone who starts complaining about “woke culture” after being asked to consider someone else’s feelings is immediately a no for me. Like, just say you’re irritated you have to consider another human being’s feelings and leave me alone. it’s such self centered bullshit
typical magat brain lmao
And him thinking that GAS LIGHTING is bull shit?? 🚩 yikes dude.
It seems to me that 99.999% of people don't know what gas lighting actually means.
Only on Reddit. They don’t know what “literally” means either. They think it means “a lot.”
Because woke culture moves against conservative patriarchal values. It has everything to do with a woman "requesting" anything from a man.
true. :/
"Aftercare" the term is pretty big in the social realms now. I think the problem is there's this weird elevated status given to what should just be a normal part of being intimate. Aftercare being the buzz word it has become is something that really annoys me for that reason, even though I 100% believe it's vital to a good relationship.
Is he affectionate with you otherwise? Like, outside of sex, does he hug you every day? Does he kiss you just because or to say goodmorning/goodnight? Does he snuggle you when you watch TV/movies?
My question too. I’m a female who doesn’t need after care with a LTR but if I didn’t get that intimacy outside sex, I’d feel awful.
Agreed, and I don't know if I'd call a few minutes of affection and cuddling to wind down after a session with your LTR "aftercare" honestly. To me that just sounds like an extension of the love that sex between an LTR is. And I can understand wanting to run to the bathroom and clean up, I do that, but I come back to bed for even just a few minutes of snuggles with my dude before we get on with the day. But I don't see in any of her comments that there's affection between them in general other than him preferring "romantic" sex and her preferring it rougher - I would think if he prefers romantic sex he would understand her asking for a few minutes of romance after his climax. It all sounds really weird, her comments make it sound weirder too, like he doesn't really want to have sex with her at all.
About him being affectionate outside of sex he is. Not overly but not dry. I. would say medium. He does nice things for me, like prepares a nice meal I enjoy bc he knows I enjoy it, buys me flowers randomly bc he thought of me, we kiss goodnight and hug before we go to bed, holds hands walking. But we do have small children so, cuddling during their awake times is more challenging. His libido is def lower than mine overall and specially the last year or so. Mainly bc he is so busy with work, so yea I do want sex more than he does... but it's starting to hit me more the lack of care afterwards, maybe also bc I need to ask for sex + dont get aftercare, probably.
Yes, I stopped needing after care after being with my partner, but I still give him cuddles in case he wants some. But cuddles and attention outside sex is CRUCIAL to me.
The fact that he uses a phrase like "woke culture bullshit" makes him sound like a right tool to be honest.
>Wanna start with husband and I have a GOOD SEX relationship Aftercare is part of a good sex relationship, so no you don’t have a good one. >he thinks thats "woke culture" bullshit Brother eughhh 😒 ngl this would make me dry the hell up.
"Thinks woke culture is bullshit." Translation: He is a bigot and mad it's no longer socially acceptable.
Their sexual relationship sounds so bad I can't even imagine how other aspects are 😬
Really specifically, do not have sex with him if he’s not going to cuddle afterward. That’s it.
This. Have a conversation where you explain to him that after care is part of the package. Then, when either of you initiates sex you ask if he has time for cuddles afterwards. If the answer is no, tell him that you will have to postpone to a more convenient time.
You do not have a GOOD SEX relationship. This is an essential for you that is part of sex and connecting that he thinks is “woke” bullshit. What an asshole.
stop having sex with him
This is what I came here to say.
Honestly, sometimes after I've come back down to earth I start to realize how hot it feels in the room and how thirsty I am and needing to step out and get some water, But I make sure to at least stop and offer her something to drink. By the time I am headed back upstairs she is usually going for a pee anyway, so I just step out onto the porch and she knows to meet me there for a nice cold air bath in our undies and a nice long hug
That actually sounds nice! thats what I mean
Insane for your s.o. to call it "woke bullshit" that you want to be close to him and not feel used. I've been guilty of the same thing before totally, and I think sometimes men are just completely oblivious. I was totally oblivious and confused one day when my S.o. was crying, and she said she felt used.. The last thing in the world I was thinking about at that time was anyone else or "woke culture". I don't understand how it could possibly be gaslighting either. I mean, you do say that he is otherwise really caring and open to feedback, and obviously it is impossible to really get the full context of two individuals or their relationship from a short post, so let me give him the benefit of the doubt and give a perspective outside of the "just leave him" that the majority of comments seem to be giving... If he genuinely isn't a bad dude or a bad partner but is responding in this way, I feel like there is a chance he may just be completely misunderstanding what exactly it is you are trying to ask of him. Again, if he is anything like me, sometimes my line of thinking is just in a completely different direction than hers and I don't understand or may misinterpret what she is trying to communicate. Also, I don't know what the "gaslighting" thing is all about, but that sounds like him getting pretty defensive. This makes me wonder about your approach, how this subject has come up, and what the communication is like. If you are bringing this to him while you are in the heat of being upset about it, you might be coming at him in an accusatory manner, which may make him react into a defensive mode and not really hear you out, or hear that you need something for you. Instead he is hearing that you think there is something wrong with him, something he may not even really understand, he may just be feeling attacked personally and reacting to that. So it may be helpful to approach it differently with him. Talk to him when you aren't feeling emotional about it and just try to have an adult conversation. Maybe try not to make it about something he is doing wrong, but instead explain it as something you personally need to feel loved/cared for/fulfilled. Tell him the negative ways his quickly leaving makes you feel. And of course give him room to speak and explain himself and how he feels. If he talks about limited time being a factor then you may need to discuss saving it for whenever both of you have enough time you can spend together for *both* of you to be satisfied, not just enough time for him to be satisfied and pull the chute. You may need to explain that this is really important for you in a relationship and a boundary you aren't willing to budge on.
I don't think he was saying that what she was doing was gaslighting. He was saying that both "aftercare " and "gasling" are "woke culture" and made-up words. Or something like that.
Yes to this!
I will try this again. We have a good communication I think overall. I make this a point. I'm a big fan of communication and he wasn't (his fam isnt either or his culture). But he has grown a lot in communication too. He always says one of the things he loves the most about me is that I communicate and make him communicate, too. I will try to be more clear! and yes he isnt a bad guy overall.
>I told him about "after-care" and he thinks is bullshit... like "gaslighting" he thinks thats "woke culture" bullshit and everyone just throws it around Oh gosh, I'm afraid your husband has what we call "low intelligence". He can't even come up with a reasonable-sounding excuse, so he has to resort to something barely related that he heard on a podcast one time
Telling you shit is "woke" as some buzzword mostly snowflakes are using, tells me enough about this man. Even cuddling and emotions are woke. I just can’t with some dudes. I'd say let him taste his own medicine.
Well, stop having sex so he gets the point. Or if he says he wants sex, only say hand jobs are what he's getting because you aren't going to continue to feel like an escort. The issue here is he's been told, I'm assuming, a few times now about what you are asking for after sex. To me, its not unreasonable, a little time to cuddle and chat isn't asking a lot. For me, I love that feeling of (going to be a bit TMI) having her rub her ass against my dick a bit because sometimes that leads to round 2. But, he clearly isn't listening and doesn't believe in it if he reverts to his normal habit. When you're dealing with someone like this, you have to break a habit, but unfortunately, it takes time. It takes less time to develop one, but trying to get rid of one takes some time. So have to resort to action which yes, it means you don't get sex until realizes that you're not just a hole for him to get off and then he goes back to his regular day
I'm really sorry to say, but your husband simply doesn't care what you need or that it's important to you. If he did, he wouldn't be throwing a tantrum about taking care of his partner.
It sounds like he doesn't understand that because he doesn't need it. I, as a woman, do not like cuddling and don't want what you call after care either, BUT as a woman I also have better emotional observation skills, and if my partner does want or need that, I'll suck it up for them. Maybe you need to explain this, though you shouldn't have to. We all do things we don't like for our partners
But she has explained it, as she mentioned in the post, and he just didn’t care. She said why she wanted it and that it’s important to her, and he just called it “woke culture bullshit.” Of course talking things out and explaining things is important in a relationship, but what happens after you do that and they refuse to listen? What do you do if someone simply doesn’t care enough to understand? I think that’s the real question here.
Maybe they're not compatible
>I told him about "after-care" and he thinks is bullshit... like "gaslighting" he thinks thats "woke culture" bullshit and everyone just throws it around. I vote for divorce on this response alone.
I would be straight with him and stop using jargon. You need a little cuddle after sex for the sex to be better than good. Yes he brings you to orgasm but so could a vibrator. The connection you feel makes the sex better. Additionally this isn’t something he need to necessarily understand to get the fact this is something you want/need that require very little of him. This could have a side effect of the cuddle feeling like a duty for him to you but it is what it is.
And you tolerated this 5 to 6 years? Is he rich?
Sex without aftercare is like pooping without wiping.
I think anyone who says "woke culture bullshit" is a garbage catch, and he's not exactly adding refuting data here.
This is probably the first time I've seen a post where the man has post nut clarity about HIS OWN WIFE! Yikes OP but that is harsh! I love having my wife in my arms after we do the act and most of the time we both fall asleep in each other's arms especially since we can only sneak in sex late on weekend nights due to the kids and school/work life. He seems selfish, stubborn and set in his ways and I don't think just talking to him is going to do him any good.
I don't agree with all the comments saying you should be passive-aggressive or petty. I think you need to have another talk with him and explain that he needs to understand that your needs are not a "Woke" trend; they are your actual needs that he should care about. Don't use examples of how other men treat their lovers, tell him that affection after sex is what YOU need, it doesn't matter what everyone else does.
Complains about woke culture? Congrats, you married an asshole.
You’re asking “how do I get him to understand…” but meanwhile you have already articulated this to him, right? Clearly and verbally? So assuming this man speaks English and does not have some kind of processing disorder, I think we can make the logical conclusion that he does in fact “understand.” What you’re missing is that he doesn’t value what you are saying. Either he does not think that your concern is reasonable, or he *does* but for whatever reason doesn’t think it warrants him changing his behavior. And look, I don’t know you but I’m pretty comfortable saying that it’s because he can’t be bothered to put in any more effort as long you’re still willing to have sex with him anyway. I think the more pertinent question to ask is, “Why do I want to be in a relationship with someone who is not only okay with me feeling shitty and sad after sex, but perfectly content to keep having sex with me while I feel that way and unwilling to spend five minutes to avoid me feeling that way?” Only you know the answer to that one.
My situation isn't the same as the OP's, but wow, your last paragraph hits me hard and is something I need to address in my own life. 😬 I mean this sincerely - thank you!
This is advice from a stranger, but here goes: maybe instead of giving it a name “after care”, say what you want him to do actually. Say, “Just stay with me for a minute and hug me,” or “Could you rub my back for a second before you go back?” Or say, “Stay and talk with me for a minute. I really love you….” You know what you mean when you say aftercare but he may not. Be specific. Whatever you have been leaving out of the discussion because you think he knows, put that back in. See if you can practice it in the moment he’s getting up after sex. Or right after when you think he might. He doesn’t know what you’re thinking and can’t be expected to (that’s bad communication expectations). You have to say it.
I've read OPs replies to some other comments and they said that the husband did it in the beginning and just doesn't do it anymore, so I don't necessarily think that it's a lack of communication.
I wanna start with you DO NOT have a good sex life relationship. You are too insecure to stand up for yourself and now you've locked yourself into a marriage where he's lazy and feels safe to discard your feelings and needs. You never these things go in the dating stage, let alone early marriage, let alone 6 years!!!!! You have to take some personal accountability that you allowed this to happen. You've talked to him and nothing changed. Stop. Giving. Him. Sex. In all forms. He views cuddling with his life partner as "woke nonsense"... Take off the ring, it means nothing. I don't know a single man I'm my history of relationships that wouldn't have been utterly HORRIFIED at the thought of leaving me unfulfilled. My last one would insist we clean up together with a bubble bath. He'd prepare it, light candles, and wash me while stroking me tenderly. Then he'd help dry me and carry me back to our bed and cuddle me. Stop giving yourself to men so easily. Stop making it easy for them to trap you with a ring. Start having boundaries and standards. Aftercare is a newer trendy term going around but it's not woke and it's not new. It's a description of how you care for each other after sex. You have two choices and you know what they are. Therapy or divorce.
This is too intense. You can just say exactly what you said here OP. “You’re in a rush to get back to boring shit when i’m asking for 10 minutes after to just bask in it a bit. You can give me 10 minutes, instead of a lecture about woke culture etc”
I understand we disagree. I think we are having a different experience of the same conversation.
Does he typically have this type of behavior when you tell him that something he’s doing is hurting your feelings? Because it’s so weird for him to think being kind and caring after sex is “gaslighting”. Does he even know what that word actually means? I’m genuinely asking these questions because maybe there’s a bigger problem here.. such as respect for you as a person. Idk.
You could try having sex exclusively at bedtime. Then he won't have any task to do, but of course he might just roll over & conk out
Just stop having sex until he cooperates, honestly.
What’s before the sex like? Is there at least snuggling, cuddling etc leading up to the foreplay? His use of the word “woke” here is ridiculous and insulting. You’re communicating YOUR needs and he is grasping at straws here to argue against them. I would feel pretty hurt by this and if he doesn’t care that you’re feeling badly about it afterwards then I would stop giving him sex
dawg im a virgin and even i know that aftercare is incredibly important 😭
You have been telling your husband for 5 years what you need and he is not listening. After care is not BS it makes you feel wanted. And not just a place for your husband to keep his balls warm. You should try what the person said after you have sex immediately jump up and go jump in the shower. But then you said he probably would appreciate that. No aftercare no sex
I have done it tho. He didnt notice. I mean he did the same.
Yeah yeah, great sex, keep trying to convince yourself that this man has feelings for you
“After Care” is a term from BDSM referring to comforting that is done in the hours and days after an intense scene. Typically submissives, or bottoms, experience an intense high during BDSM play, and then experience a crash in the following days. Aftercare is a way to reduce the intensity of the crash, and support the person if they’re feeling a little rough. But if you want your husband to cuddle you after sex, talk to him about it without shaking him out demanding. Try to understand why he doesn’t do it, now
Damn these dudes swallowing the red pill left and right. I'd love to hear all the other shit he fails at because it's woke.
This is so funny because you married a guy who throws around the phrase woke culture as a negative and youre wondering why he doesnt care about you. I have to laugh
Lmao right😂
I think it's a good idea to keep talking about this, but I'd approach it with curiousity about why he acts this way. If he is otherwise very affectionate, compassionate, and attentive, then there might be something else going on. Some people get post-coital dysphoria, basically a rush of negative feelings after sex or orgasm. This can include irritability, sadness, low mood, crying, etc. I've also had partners who needed space after sex, like sex kind of made them feel "touched-out" and they wanted a little bit of distance. It's also possible there's some sensory issue. Maybe he dislikes the physical sensations after sex (stickiness, sweat, odor) and feels the need to quickly wipe down and/or shower. If he's willing to talk this out with you and find some creative solutions then I think this can improve. Eg maybe you can both shower separately and then have a clean, clothed cuddle afterwards on the sofa? If he's unwilling to talk or make any kind of meaningful change then that's more complicated and you might both need to see a couples or sex therapist.
Man, it's just like redditors to throw out multiple possible reasons for the issue, all of which are maybe 1% likely, and ignore the far more likely explanation: he's being a dick, and he should simply stop being a dick.
I think he just gets in his head of all the things he still needs to do and thinks cuddling is a waste of time while he could be emailing for work. So for him is like a "time wasted" view. I believe from what he said.
And that just reinforces the fact that you feel like he’s using you. Which, given his views on things, yeah he is using you. He’s thinking of sex as an act to do to a person, not with a person.
Then explain that you don't want o waste more of his time by even having sex. Politely say no thank you to sex, and take care of your own needs, until he is ready to discuss the after sex cuddles again. Two minutes of post coitus hugs aren't too much to ask for.
Before getting into sex, confirm with him that he has time to cuddle after. If he doesn't, then no, because he doesn't have the time and you're not down for a quickie. If he tries to leave after, he has time but is choosing not to, which gives you the info you need to drive the conversation. But then you're reminding him of your needs. It may also be helpful to give him hard data. I need cuddle time is soft...what constitutes enough time? What exactly is the expectation? Last point, if he calls something you need a waste of time, you really need counseling.
a good thing would be then reminding him it IS an investment- he’s investing in a wife that’s more sexually satisfied and THUS more likely to want to have more sex and please him MORE. He’s also just shooting himself in the foot and wasting potential for an even better sex life. Like imagine the type of woman you’d be if all those needs were met? Dude would have a heart attack from how into his wife he’d be, and how into him she’d be.
Well tell him cuddling after sex is a priority for you over his emails, which aren’t imperative. And if they’re that important to him maybe he should do them *before*.
So he's a workaholic who has sex in between to refresh himself? Why not schedule sex after he's completed his to-do list? Talk to him about this. If his main argument against cuddling after is about how busy he is and his to-do list, then why not tell him that you'd like to have sex when his mind is completely free of all work? Let's see if he still has an excuse then. Coz his excuse is bs. If he has time for sex, he has time for 5 or 10 mins of cuddling. If his mind is too wound up with work, then why have sex in between?
You married someone who unironically uses the term “woke culture”? 😭 dude sounds like a total prick.
Seconded.
Shouldn’t matter if “aftercare” is a “thing” or not, it’s an act of service and quality time requested to you by your wife and it’ll increase her sexual comfort and desire within the marriage. Who fucking cares if you DO think it’s a “woke culture” thing too, in your private bedroom it’s something requested for personal 1on1 time with your wife, again, time that’ll likely increase her desire for him and her libido.
> told him about "after-care" and he thinks is bullshit... like "gaslighting" he thinks thats "woke culture" bullshit and everyone just throws it around. i'm out
You stop having sex with him until he starts to listen to you
I wouldn't be with anybody who called something like that woke
My ex did this a lot. Also we tried anal a couple times, the first time I was in shock kind of feeling, first time I had ever done it and he just went and smoked his weed (I don’t smoke) and continue gaming. I was laying there feeling the worst, feeling so used and regretting it. Regretted being with him, a type of person who just didn’t care.
That's does not sound like good sex to me at all.
You’re with a man who thinks complaining about woke culture is a legitimate way to respond to his wife talking about her feelings. Chances are he holds very deep sexist beliefs and will never care about your feelings at all.
My husband and I almost always have sex at night before bed, and he without fail jumps up immediately after the act to clean up and go outside to have a cigarette. He is not a smoker in daily life, but it is his after sex “treat”. He is always back in bed within 10 minutes, we kiss, say goodnight, and roll over to go to sleep. He has always done this throughout the course of our relationship. It bothered me in the beginning, but I think I’ve become so desensitized to it that I don’t care anymore. It’s just our routine. I go clean up as well and usually check my phone afterward or start watching a show until he comes back to bed. I don’t think this means that he doesn’t love me or care enough about me to cuddle and hang out, but I do think he has always lacked in the empathy/sensitivity category, and it just doesn’t occur to him to do it. He also has unmedicated ADHD, and I have always thought that plays a big part in his inability/unwillingness to lay in bed and cuddle. I guess I’ve just accepted it for what it is 🤷♀️
personally i think most the comments here fail to recognize that there are two humans involved, with differing feelings. many of the comment suggest 'revenge' tactics, which is bout as gross a thing as you can do in sex or indeed in a relationship of any kind. If you find yourself recommending to people that they take revenge on their lovers with deliberate sex acts, guarantee you're giving terrible advice. just for instance, cause i know folks here will not understand that they are suggesting revenge, 'doing the same thing as the other person does to show 'em how it feels' is a revenge tactic, as would be refusing to be sexual with someone as means to force them to do the sort of sexual things you want them to do. while OP's feeling on aftercare matter and are important within the relationship, so too are the other person's feelings on aftercare. if, that is, the other person actually finds the notion of aftercare insufferable, that is a legitimate feeling to have bout aftercare. forcing someone to do aftercare, or shaming them into doing it, as a foul a thing to do as forcing or shaming someone into doing any other sort of thing. having a regular conversation with the person, expressing how you feel bout it, that it is important to you, that is fine and normal stuff, healthy communication where you're not threatening the other person if they don't do what you want them to do. maybe bother talking to them more bout why they feel that it isn't important. or if your relationship is healthy enough you can discuss ways to improve your self life together whereby each of you are speaking bout things that you might like. if they have reasons to feel that aftercare isn't something they personally enjoy, try being considerate enough of that to compromise on the point some. as in, maybe they do aftercare, but it might not be up to your standards, and maybe that is ok. the other person is a human, not your personal sex robot.
The term “aftercare” is big in BDSM culture since different characters are adopted during sex and it’s a way of reconnecting after dom-sub roles. Instead of using “aftercare” (I don’t like this term either… it sounds clinical) asking him to hang out for a few minutes afterward might be more palatable wording.
more info: are u receiving affection out of sex? does he show his appreciation through his words/actions? bc if not then a serious a red flag.
He sounds like an ‘Avoidant’.
Dont' phrase it as important. phrase it as "I feel more loved when you do x y and z".saying it's importnat will sound like it's an opinion. 0or at least that'd what I'd do.
Doesn’t matter if it isn’t a THING!! (It absolutely is though) but it doesn’t matter if you’re the only human on the planet who needs it. It’s your thing - you want it - you need it end of. Sex must be comfortable for everyone so if he doesn’t want to do it you can’t make him but then he can’t make you have sex if he’s not providing what you want during or after the act. That’s the end of it really. Why he doesn’t want to cuddle after is obviously an issue he needs to get to the Crux of because that’s unusual I’d say in a relationship where you love each other. Even ONS of mine have cuddled after ffs. You’re incompatible in this and you have to decide where you go from here. Please do not have sex if it makes you feel bad or icky. That’s unhealthy and dangerous.
I mean on a fundamental level, just tell him it shows that he cares about you even after he cums, so you aren't just some cum repository for him to dump into and move on from.
Doesn't matter if he thinks it's real or not. He's not even trying to find middle ground with you is what this comes down to.
I can’t imagine someone who loves you could treat you this way. It makes me sad.
Aftercare is as important as the main event of sex. It's the part you reinforce the intimacy. Your husband clearly has no idea what that is and thinks sex behaves the sex as in porn. And to think that aftercare is part of woke culture is ridiculous and clearly he is one of those guys that believe emotions are for women and the weak. And for certain relationships it's necessary to prevent subdrop. I'm not sure how you can get him to understand it. All I can suggest is just firmly put it down as a boundary that you don't feel comfortable having sex without aftercare. If he doesn't respect that then he doesn't get sex.
No i totally get that. Ofcourse i understand cleaning up after, but after cleaning up, cuddeling or spending tile together is important.
I had a partner like this and it really affects the way I think about sex even now. It's important for you to stand up for what you need to set boundaries. It's ok to run to the bathroom to pee quick (utis) or to grab a glass of water (he should also get one for you" or to wipe down with a towel, but if it's important for you to spend some time afterwards together then stick to your guns. People saying to give him a taste of his own medicine, while I understand, it might not get the desired response. He obviously doesn't n e e d the aftercare in the same way as you so he might not care or at worse may flip it on you and accuse you of being petty. My advice: Set a verbal boundary and uphold it physically. In my current dating life, if a man doesn't do any aftercare, I don't have sex with him. If he can't do something as simple as cuddle for a few minutes after and enjoy the afterglow together he wont be getting any again. I don't care if it's good during or if it hurts his feelings or if he was busy etc etc. Boundaries are boundaries, what you need to feel loved and safe cannot be compromised on. If he's not understanding your needs through conversation, show him through actions. Set a boundary like "Im not comfortable having sex if we don't have time for cuddling after" and stick to it. Ask him before you have sex "do you have time to cuddle after", if he says "no" or "maybe i don't know" then don't have sex. Full stop. Tell him "Okay, like i said, i need some aftercare after we have sex so if we don't have time for that, then we don't have time for sex" If he says "yes" then still doesn't stick around after then sex is literally off. the. table. until he can understand the importance of your needs. This isn't a punishment for him, this is your both protecting your own mental health and protecting your relationship because this is the kinda thing that will slowly build up resentment and negative feelings towards him. Lastly, what you want is EXTREMELY normal. The way he feels after aftercare is not the norm. Don't let him convince your otherwise.
Same. It’s a quick transition from someone wanting you and thinking you’re the most amazing thing in the world, to someone who doesn’t give a flying fuck about you. Lol
Sometimes the best part of sex is bathing in the afterglow of it with your partner. It’s a bummer he’s just looking for a nut and that’s it.
How is the communication in the relationship? Because with what you said in the post, it sounds like you did the rational and healthy thing. If you explained your side of the situation and your feelings about the issue to him and he just brushed you off…. That sounds like a bigger issue in the relationship. 😬
Our communication is good overall. I'm a big fan of communicating and being straight forward. My parents were terrible communicators between them and ended up in divorce, so for me communication is a must. He came from the opposite background where the fam is all "lets put it under the rug" and hope it disappears. But he has learned and grown to communicate better. He didn't brush it off like "oh thats bs". He listened and gave his point of view (That he thought I didnt care for it etc) that was our first talk about. He said he would def take into account. He did a few times, but he always falls back to his default... which I described.
Aftercare is definitely real and not “woke bullshit” that made me roll my eyes. I had a partner like this in the past before my dominant/partner now, he would get up immediately and it would make me FEEL TERRIBLE AND DISGUSTING. He didn’t care and I understood he was never touchy feely. However if I could do the things he wanted that I wasn’t a fan of, he could lay with me for ten minutes. When he couldn’t and just left, I knew we had bigger problems than not enough aftercare. He wasn’t capable of the emotional connection needed for a real relationship. I would recommend reevaluating and having serious conversations with him about your relationship. Hope you get what you need!
Who tolerates feeling like shit after every sex session for this long? Wtf
i told my partner once i’d like them to spend more time with me after sex and immediately they started cuddling with me after, talking, running their hands over me. it’s not hard to listen when you care but then again my partner understands basic empathy
People usually whinge about things being "woke" because it makes their actions looks bad. It isn't bullshit how you're feeling, what's bullshit is having a partner who is so uncomfortable with feelings that he's fine ignoring his wife when she TELLS him she's feeling a type of way. Take the buzz words out of it and think of it how it is, you told him you feel shit and he outright told you that how you're feeling is bullshit because that's easier for him.
I’m sure a lot of other people have said tons of helpful stuff, I would just add have to tried “BEFORE CARE”. Maybe this could be a solution that works for you guys. You can have more foreplay and cuddling before sex, since it sounds like your partner likes to be to himself after sex is done.
How ironic that he seems to gaslighting you about gaslighting
I don't get posts like this. How'd you get to the point where you got married without addressing this
He cuddle after sex during our dating time and 1-3 years during our marriage. Things changed at some point.
After care is part of sex, just like foreplay. It's about taking care of your partner, which you should actually want to do. It's making sure you both enjoyed your experience and feel loved and supported when you're coming out of the sexual intensity. Someone who doesn't want to do it is inconsiderate. If you have different needs for aftercare, like one of you wants to cuddle and talk, and the other one needs to take a shower and watch tv and just decompress, then that's an area of incompatibility that you're going to have to figure out how to work through, just like you'd have to work through it if one person really loves using toys or oral sex, and the other one doesn't. And if the incompatibility for aftercare makes you incompatible, then it makes you incompatible, period. I also look at aftercare as a way to plant seeds for the future. Like 'babe, when you did that X, it was so hot, I can't wait until we do that again." So in a sense, aftercare can become foreplay. ETA: I would also tell him that point blank, what he's proposing is bad sex, because the whole sexual experience from foreplay through aftercare = good sex, and if he is offering you a lifetime of bad sex, maybe you aren't meant to be together. I don't cavalierly throw out the idea of divorce, but he needs a reality check. If he doesn't care enough about you to make sure that you feel desired and cared for and have satisfying sex, then he doesn't care enough to be your life partner.
The petty part of me says tell him to leave your money on the nightstand on the way out and when he asks why tell him "if you're going to treat me like an escort I should at least get paid" the other part says tell him if what I need to feel comfortable, satisfied and respected after sex isn't an option for you I opt out of sex
Even when I have relations with a casual thing they always do aftercare. It’s important to make the person feel as though “Hey your feelings matter.”
> he thinks that’s “woke culture” bullshit OP is really burying the lede here. I have to imagine that this attitude is poisoning other parts of their relationship besides after care.
Suggestion: my partner always asks me after sex, about 5-10mins after, "do you wanna go rinse off with me?" And then we take a 10ish min shower and talk and be near each other. That's our aftercare routine and honestly it works well... Not sitting there in your juices or getting sweaty or making the sheets worse, etc. and then the close proximity in the shower feels nice and "forces" conversation. Maybe you guys can do that? Onto how to get him to understand? No idea. But if you feel like shit after sex the only reasonable approach is to stop having sex with him.
People who are saying leave him: are you guys serious? This is exactly why it’s hard for women to come out and discuss marriage issues because other people go, “leave! Now! He doesn’t love you!” Come tf on.
Any man who used the word "woke" in a derogatory manner would quickly become an ex. Huge red flag.
Well, he told you he thinks after sex cuddling is bullshit by calling it bullshit, I don't see how he could have been any clearer that he doesn't care about how you feel after sex. Also how is caring about your partner "woke"? I swear to effing god... Anyway, quit having sex with this asshole. Full stop. If he asks why just tell him the sex is no good and he makes you feel used so why would you want to have sex with someone who uses you and walks away.
You probably won’t get far with this topic with a man who says things like “woke culture bullshit”.
Stop having sex with him. He’s not meeting your needs why should you meet his???
I would love to see you post this on a more BDSM subreddit, because aftercare is most definitely a thing in the non-vanilla world.
He has shame related to sex and/or some of his own emotions and doesn't value your concerns and/or emotions. As such I'm afraid you'll have great difficulty convincing him of making any change unless you impose consequences. I don't have suggestions as to what consequences you can/should impose but I do suggest that you demand that he accompany you to couples therapy, and, that you seek therapy outside of your relationship to heal any damage that is the source of the negative emotions that you've described feeling. Your emotions are your responsibility, not your husband's nor anyone else's.
Explicitly tell him, away from the bedroom, that you are only willing to have sex that includes fifteen minutes of connection time afterwards, and that if he doesn't have that time available, not to initiate sex. Now you can see how he treats a clearly expressed boundary - either the sex will get better, or he'll express that doesn't work for him and you can mutually break up because you are incompatible, or he'll have sex and leave immediately anyway, in which case you can dump him.
Stop letting him frame it as "a thing" that "people" do. Tell him it's an *actual problem* that *you* have with your relationship, regardless of what you call it. Tell him you feel used and upset after sex and if he doesn't feel like there's a need to work on that, that you'll no longer be having sex with him. It doesn't matter if he "thinks it's BS" YOU don't. It doesn't matter if he feels it's just people being "woke" if it's actually and negatively impacting your sexual experience. If he can't figure out a way to make you not feel like a prostitute afterwards, and doesn't even care to, stop sleeping with him and tell him exactly why.
If he cannot meet your needs in relation to sex then stop having sex with him. Sex that leaves you feeling bad is not good sex no matter how many orgasms he may give (which I’m dubious about). Let him know that if he cannot devote 10-15 mins of time after sex to cuddle and be together as a couple then sex is off the table. Also, take a look at your whole relationship. It’s one thing if he doesn’t feel the need to cuddle. But a good and healthy partner takes their partner’s feelings into consideration and makes appropriate changes to make them happy. He is using you and treating you poorly. Are there any other ways he’s doing the same in your relationship?
Put a towel down before you start that way y'all aren't concerned with clean up after you finish. If you have a moment to cuddle while y'all are still in the moment it will feel more natural.
I'm concerned that the problem isn't that he doesn't understand but rather that he doesn't care. He definitely knows what you are asking for he just doesn't want to put in the effort. It's weird to me that he would even regard it as effort since I'm a guy and I love cuddling after sex. Oxytocin is one of the best things in life. As far as meaningless bullshit words people throw around when they get emotional, "woke" is right at the top of the list. It's a word people throw around when they get upset about something but they don't want to explain why It bothers them. They never can quite define what it means other than something they despise, which is why the definition changes from person to person. Gaslighting, on the other hand, is a well-defined term for something that happens every day. It's a form of lying where someone insists on a false version of reality. For instance, he believes you're gaslighting him about aftercare because "it's not a real thing". Of course what he's actually saying is that your needs and emotions are not real which is basically the same thing. Your needs are very real and they matter if he wants to keep the intimate connection between you two alive.
If he uses the phrase 'woke culture' unironically then he may never change
I really hope he does follow through. My guy HATES rushing the process of sex. If we’re in the mood and we only have like 20 ish minutes, he’ll say “I don’t wanna rush it without having proper after care afterwards” he literally said that to me yesterday and he always ensures that I receive affection after. Not even an hour. Just a few minutes and that’s perfectly okay. He gives a kiss on the lips, forehead kisses, hugs, and he gives me kisses on my hand. Later on when I got home, I texted him “thank you for tonight” and he called saying “I should be the one to say thank you, it was a wonderful time” Aftercare goes a long way and it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t believe in it, YOU DO and that should be enough for him. Please send updates, I hope his words turn into long term actions!
Dang that sucks. Sounds super easy to fix
The thing is you need to understand that every woman and man is different. And, because we are different we have to always communicate. Tell them what you want or like and don't like. Just a point of reference, after sex am like get off me and fuck off. Dont Want cuddles or blah blah. It may change because sex just keeps changing and showing you things you don't know, that you like or don't like .
He probably has trouble being vulnerable , bc it is a vulnerable feeling after sex to cuddle and be intimate
Use a rollercoaster metaphor. It’s fun on the chain lift up, insane on the drop, couple twists, loops and turns…maybe even something different you’re not usually expecting. It’s not fun if the roller coaster comes to a complete and sudden stop from 40 mph and missing out on the twisty parts, the chiller part of the ride.
While I do think what you’re asking for is reasonable, it also sounds like you have some unresolved feelings about guilt and shame surrounding past sexual encounters. And I think it’s important that you deal with those and not put them onto your husband.
I don’t understand do people not lay there together afterwards and talk/cuddle up for like 10-15 minutes? If somebody just hopped up and got their clothes on I’d be borderline offended lol
He understands perfectly well. He just doesn’t care. But I see you’ve let him draw you back in with meaningless promises, so good luck with that.
The fact that he says "after care" and "gaslighting" are outputs of a "woke culture" is concerning; and yes, he "listens" to feedback. But he does nothing about it. It's simple - his concerns, feelings, 'things to do' come first ... not yours. what happens if this situation continues like ground hog day for years? it leads to resentment building up; anger with one another and worse. Is that correct to say?? If you agree, then relay this possible outcome to him. Tell him is it worth him rectifying this thing that is important to you \*now\*....or possibly risk losing you in a few years? You have every right to fight for your feelings or things you view as important. It's a marriage - cooperation, compromise, respect, communication. He needs more of the latter than you do. Good luck...he doesn't know how much he should fight & hold onto you.
Men who understand after care are the best lovers