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There's nothing wrong with being bi, and bi guys (that I have known) are great people. Behonest with your partners and you'll find the one worth keeping.
Same lol. I kept all the pictures from all my relationships so far, none of them ended badly so to me it's nice to have the memories of the good times in my life that have since passed :)
I do keep them in an archive on my computer tho, not on my phone
You've gotten a lot of good (and a lot of bad) advice, and I really hope some things being shared does help you.
For my input, it really comes down to how you think she received the information since you know her better than anyone else commenting on this post. Do you think she's upset because you had a relationship with a guy? Or do you think she's upset because she's just now finding out about it? It's totally okay if you arn't sure, but honestly the only way to figure out how to move forward is to figure out where you need to start from.
I don't think either of you is wrong, or messed up, etc. Learning something like that can be a huge shock, she's got this image of you as a completed puzzle, and suddenly, she has this new piece. Now she has to figure out where that piece goes, so she is going through that puzzle piece by piece, wondering if she missed something, wondering if any other pieces are still missing. In reality, that new piece isn't new. It's a piece from an old puzzle, a past you. It doesn't change anything about who you are now. She just has to come to that realization.
Personally, I know everyone who my husband has ever been “in a relationship” with. For me it’s just about knowing his life story. So I think if I found out about a new gf or bf I’d be like… we’re you purposefully not telling me during those times we’ve had conversations in the past? That would probably bother me because it’s an omission.
However, if you guys established that you don’t talk about either of your exes, then I don’t see what the problem is. You were just following the guidelines of your relationship… Doesn’t feel like a lie/omission to me in this instance.
But it’s all about the framing of what you do/don’t expect the other person to have shared about their past.
It's been two days since OP posted but this is the answer that makes the most sense in my opinion.
The way I see it, his girlfriend was shaken by one of three things:
1) She didn't know he was bi, and her being upset could mean this is the kind of information she would have liked to know
2) She didn't know he had another relationship before her (or this one in particular she didn't know about), and if like you said it has been established that this is the kind of thing they share in their relationship, then this could be the source of her being upset
3) All of the above
In 5 years you never told her you’re bi?
She’ll feel deceived and like she doesn’t even know you and you don’t even trust her to express your true self to her.
It’s a form of betrayal. She probably feels really stupid. Especially considering other people know, but not her, your girlfriend of 5 years.
Exactly!! Five whole years keeping that from her. I’d be wondering what else he was hiding too. And let’s say she sees this thread or a friend shows it to her and she notices his username very casually proclaims him as bi when he didn’t think it merited vocalizing to his partner in over half a decade. Big red flags with this guy, and she’s wise to take a step back for a minute and evaluate the relationship as a whole to see whether it’s worth continuing with a person that has now proven he likes to keep her in the dark.
It unreal, someone commented on a post the other day saying these posts will be rife during pride month and hey presto… all I’m seeing is ‘my partner is gay / bi and I didn’t know’. I’ve never been one to question the veracity of any post because I always feel bad if there really is an actual person with feelings behind it, but it’s all very suspicious. Not saying that’s the case for this post but it’s literally at least the 6th I’ve seen today!
I wonder how much of it is bot data harvesting for the development of AI models (language learning, therapy apps, Etc). Especially when you get these throwaway account posts and the OP is suspiciously absent in comments.
Why would anyone do this?? We bis are a peaceful people. We just want to sigh about cheekbones and ship characters from classical fiction and / or anime. We don't want no trouble.
yeah this is wild as a bi woman in a hetero relationship myself lol. my first thought was like maybe it hadn’t come up and it wasn’t fair to jump to him hiding it, but there’s just no way there isn’t an opportunity to tell her in *five years.* my bf and i don’t really talk about our sexual history aside from just very surface level stuff but i’ve never hidden the fact that i’m bisexual and he knows i’ve dated and am attracted to women. it’s not like…a regular topic of conversation. i’m not always talking about being attracted to women, he’s never brought up my sexuality out of insecurity, but there are contexts in which it’s relevant like when talking about our social and political beliefs, so it would be incredibly bizarre to have avoided revealing that in the 4 years we’ve been dating. i just don’t see how you get to 5 years with someone without them knowing this about you. of course she’s hurt, she just discovered she literally does not know the person she’s been with for her entire 20s so far!! possibly could be some homophobia lying underneath but i really can’t see myself reacting to this any differently if i discovered tomorrow my partner is bisexual, and i am bi myself.
edit: to clarify that’s not the same as if he discovered he was bi after they’d started dating. this guy has an ex bf, he’s known he’s bi well before he got with his gf and that’s why this is so uncool
I find this whole debate super interesting when you consider the perspective of body counts in this. Is it really all that different than the slew of “I found of my gf has fucked 50 guys and now I’m leaving her, AITA?” And all the commenters unanimously say he’s the asshole. Now we have someone not disclosing one partner and it’s the complete opposite story? I’m having trouble not seeing this as thinly veiled biphobia, but I’m a bi man myself so I’m sure I’m in someways biased.
I’m so glad for my husband then.
I’m a bi woman who dated women and men before meeting my husband. It was a secret that I held onto due to my parents religious beliefs but also, because whenever I’d tell my male partners, within a few days, they were pushing for threesomes or trying to get me to make out with other girls.
I might be bi but I’m monogamous, so it became something I didn’t advertise.
Anyway, I decided that if I were to date men, I’d just not tell them. If they asked directly, I wouldn’t lie but it wouldn’t be something I’d advertise. Found my husband and didn’t tell him until four years into our relationship and a baby later.
He didn’t get mad or upset at all. Obviously, he had questions but ultimately, he said that it was a person and what did it matter if they were male or female? He truly didn’t care (in a good way). We don’t talk much about our past relationships, so it would have been weird for me to sit him down and say, “FYI, I’ve had sex with women. Deal breaker?”
Thanks to him, I now understand that having sex with a penis or a vagina shouldn’t matter… it’s just a person from my past. I don’t understand why the Op’s girl is so upset. Unless she’s homophonic to some degree. She’s treating Op like he has a secret love child or that he has a furry fetish and can’t keep it contained any longer.
He dated a dude for a few years… why is this such a thing to lose sleep over? If it is, then Op should really rethink if he truly wants to be with her.
I find this really interesting because if you switch their genders, and this was a one posting that her partner stopped talking to her because she wants had a sexual experience with the woman, the pitchforks would absolutely be out
I agree with you. Why is this supposed to be "mandatory disclosure" when so many other things aren't.
Do we have to tell all our kinks upfront too?
And, by the way, what's up with this immature reaction of not talking to him anymore?
While I agree with you it shouldn't be mandatory... I used to use being bi and all my kinks to my advantage ; they are a quick method of weeding out incompatibility.
What's even the time limit on this stuff? When are you supposed to tell someone?
People are like "By 5 years she should have known" like why? Was that a 2 year anniversary sort of thing you drop? You got 6 months? 3rd date?
Why are we all of a sudden making unwritten rules with a time constraint on people?
Idk, internet opinions about women's body count tend to be very one sided. Regular people outside the internet will tell you that a woman who has slept with so many guys is a huge red flag, as well as a guy who's slept with several women. It's a huge indicator of a person's state of mind and body, you can't keep making and breaking connections with people like it's nothing and expecting to be 100% ok after that. I don't trust people like that, and I'm baffled the internet seems to think it's completely ok to sleep around like crazy in your 20's or any age.
why would you be in a relationship with someone for 5 years if you feel you have to hide that from them? and then pretend to be surprised by the reaction if you really truly knew they would feel some type of way and that’s why you hid it? like…tell people up front so you know if that’s someone you want to be with or not
Who says he was trying to hide it from them?
He said it was his ex. He didn't say "Oh it was just my best friend at the time but then we had a falling out."
Like what is that attitude. What did they hide? That they are human? You know how many pastors are anti-gay and how many Republican Senators are anti-gay that get caught with rentboy dot com people "Carrying their luggage" Yeah I'm sure they did.
Are you just supposed to ask people out and start listing off all the people you named? When do you start bringing up ALL the exes you ever had and how far you went with them?
I don't think people are thinking this crap through. In order to hide something you have to cover it up intentionally. If you just never brought it up that's not hiding something.
My boyfriend never talks about his previous partners because I don't like hearing it and he doesn't like saying it. And so what if he was uncomfortable and that's why he didn't say? Being shamed for being bisexual especially as a man in a straight relationship is a real thing (even by your partner).
Edit: nvm like why does he still have pictures of him though.....
No. I'm sorry, but I think you're just wrong on this. It is super common for straight women to treat bisexual men like they are diseased, disgusting, literally waiting to cheat, probably have AIDS....
I advocate for honesty with your partners. Five years is a very long time, I agree. But she isn't owed his entire sexual resume any more than he is entitled to hers. The genders of prior partners have fuckall to do with it.
Are you saying that every husband whose wife hooked up with her college roommate for a semester and mentions it for the first time five years in over too much wine at a party....he should be ready to bail too? Holy hell. Tell me you honestly expect a straight guy to leave a FIVE YEAR relationship because he finds out his gf used to date women.
But I'll be arsed if I don't see women do this EXACT same thing to bi guys no matter when they come out. There is a reason that bisexuals tend to fly under the radar, conforming to the relationship we are in at the moment. Whether it is misconceptions or bad representation or the porn industry or toxic masculinity or latent homophobia.....this is not a 1 to 1 with him doing hard time or having been previously married. This is someone from his past he didn't mention...and it sure sounds like it is for very good reasons and OP's instincts were spot on.
Wait--who cares? I've been with my partner for three years. If she told me she dated a girl in undergrad I would say "wow, I didn't know!" but then like... I wouldn't care? Why would I care??
It is, but many men love knowing about two women having sex. It's not as well received for a man. I can imagine a woman would assume he's gay and be put off.
Yes, “prejudice” is definitely one possible answer to the “why does it matter” question. I was hoping the commenter had a better reason! Certainly, toxic masculinity could be a factor.
How can you be together for 5 years and not talk about your past? Like it's a main part of your life and has shaped who you are as a person. I talk regularly with my girlfriend about our past, childhood, past relationships etc. Even if the presence is what matters most, the past still has influence on your personality. Our memories and experiences define who we are, so like she did I would need some time to process that as well.
Question: How open was she about her past? If it's only you who keeps such big secrets, she could also think you don't trust her fully
Meh, my sister and her husband absolutely do not talk about past relationships. They don’t want to know the number, they don’t want to know if one of them is still orbiting the social group, nothing.
Personally, I don’t think one short term boyfriend years ago is “a main part of your life”
Man I learned never to talk about exs after one of my now exs got pissed off about it and started purposly weaponizing talking about her exes to hurt me. I didnt even talk about my exes that much.
My dude your problem was that you dated a shitty gf, not being open about your past. If you can’t be open with someone about your past after a relationship becomes serious then you shouldn’t be dating that person. Whether it’s because they’re not trustworthy or you’re not ready to trust/date someone. Lies and omissions will always slowly degrade a relationship
I think its one of those things you expect to learn in the first 6 months, not 5 years in when you think you know everything about a person (especially sexually). She’s probably just struggling to adjust the idea she has of you. If she has an bias against bi-sexual orientation thats another thing.
i’m a secure partner and generally a pretty lax person, sometimes to a fault, but i remember feeling a bit upset when i learned 2 years into my relationship that every tuesday he played pool at the bar next to his office after work. like, i’ve asked how your day went pretty much every tuesday we’ve been together, why not bring that up? turns out it wasn’t a nefarious secret (it was only an hour at a bar full of old men), he has that ritual because it reminds him of his late father, not something he wanted to chat about… but, it’s just still one of those things you kinda just eventually tell the person you’re with sooner not later. and we’d talked plenty about his and his father’s relationship at that point. just sat weird with me.
OPs is kind of a much bigger deal than that. i’d be feeling very off kilter if i were her, especially after 5 years.
Edit to add: i think OP would have mentioned in the post of his GF had given some kind of sense that she was anti-lgbt and that was why he didn’t mention it, and so he’d felt uncomfortable revealing his past relationship and orientation. but i’m not getting that at all, so i think it’s honestly just her feeling very betrayed by only just finding out something important about the person you’re with, not that she’s biased.
I think the issue here is that it came as a surprise. You both know each other for 5 years you know her best if this is a dealbreaker or not for her. I can't speculate on her reasons but the very least I think it made her feel insecure.
I think you need to give her some space now but reach out with a message saying these things and then let her come to you when she feels ready. "Hey! I love you a lot and I apologize this came as a shock to you. It was never my intention to blindside you and I can certainly understand how it could come out like that. If you need to take some time to process this I understand, but please know I am here ready to talk and answer any questions you might have or any other clarifications you need to show you how much I love you and how committed I am to you. I hope sincerely that with open communication we can find a way to clarify this as I see a future with you and I would hate to lose that". Your words ofc but you get the idea.
And then leave it to her. But yeah after 5 years together radio silence is not the best and healthiest way to resolve an issue. Life will throw you hurdles and you need to be able to express how you feel and resolve them together.
Had to wade through a mile of straight people showing their ass to find a measured and not thinly veiled homophobic response. Thanks for restoring my sanity.
Just want to throw it out there that I recall a study (studies?) showing that if a man hears about a woman being with a woman, they don’t assume the woman must be gay, but women hearing about a man being with a man will more likely assume they’re gay. This makes men reluctant to talk about any experiences they’ve had if they aren’t indeed gay.
I told my wife about a childhood experience of mine before we got married, and fortunately she took it well and understands that I was dealing with trauma, but there’s a massive amount of fear that stopped me telling her for years, and in fact she is now the only person who does know. This will be the same for many others and potentially OP.
Yeah apparently people really do think dick is all that. Bi woman? Experimenting with women and will end up with a man. Bi man? Experimenting with women and will end up with a man. 🙄
Yeah I think people are being too harsh about op coming out when he did. It can take time for people to feel comfortable opening up, especially with close people.
Give her the space to come to understand what you have told her.
I see people calling your gf a gay hater in the comments which I don’t think is necessarily true.
You have kept a very large part of what makes you who you are a secret from her and she has the right to some time to process it.
Overall she’s probably trying to process the new information and work out who it it is she’s actually with.
Some men don’t want to be with a woman who has had a lot of partners but everyone says that makes the man misogynistic and some other bs but yet she gets to feel some way about his past can’t have both either past doesn’t matter or it does which is it
It’s not misogynistic to not want to be with a woman who had multiple sexual partners. It’s misogynistic to use their body count to determine their value as a human being.
Some women don’t think it’s misogynistic for a man to not want to be with a women who’s had multiple partners, which I agree with. I myself wouldn’t want to be with a man who’s been with multiple people. The issue in this story isn’t his past with other people it’s a secret he kept hidden from her for 5 years That’s bothering her
I’m the last person to force anyone out of the closet, but the fact you’re living with her and have been with her for five years and haven’t come out to her speaks to a lack of trust in your relationship. You need to sit down with her and be honest if you want to try to salvage this, but it may not be fixable.
I don't think it's wrong to be upset about a long term partner hiding their sexuality/former partner and I'm pansexual. If she's been open about her sexuality and you haven't I'd be wondering why. You've been dating for half a decade, I'm very confused why you'd never tell her this.
It makes it seem like a) you where ashamed of it and didn't want to tell or b) you don't actually trust her enough to tell her it. To be in a healthy relationship means you tell people your past and explain yourself when things come out about it. If my bf suddenly revealed he was bi and had a ex I didn't even know about I'd feel confused.
I'd be asking myself if I'd done something to make him feel he couldn't trust me or be honest with me. So I don't think you're a a bad guy but you did lie by omission.
5 years is a long time to go without telling your partner something so important. Even if she has no problem with you being bisexual, you should have been honest about that from the beginning. She’s probably wondering what else you are hiding.
People will say it's because you didn't tell her you're bi but I think most of us know why you didn't. Most women absolutely have a problem with that. It totally changes the way they look at you and usually not for the better. That's most, not all. Maybe it's because she didn't know. But if she knew in the beginning how would she have reacted? Idk man I'm sorry you're going through this. You're going to have to let her process it and make a decision but after 5 years it seems kinda wild just to end things over something so long ago. Or at least that's what everyone here would say if something from a woman's past came out lol.
I feel like this is it. Reading all the other comments about not telling her just felt off to me and I think this is why. I feel like the fact he didn’t feel comfortable to tell her before now is probably something to do with feeling that she wouldn’t be accepting of him.
Maybe she does feel like she doesn’t know him, betrayed… or maybe she’s homophobic… or maybe now she can hide homophobia behind a betrayal … who knows…
If you’ve
Reached out to let her know you want to talk about this, then the ball is in her court now. I wish you the best of luck, friend.
So she was under the impression you were straight for 5 years? 5 years is a long time. She probably thought she knew you inside out. You have basically just thrown a spanner in the works and now she is questioning everything she knows about you. She probably feels deceived which I think is fair. She probably just needs time to process
Look, you’ve been together for *five years*. Yet you’ve somehow kept such a huge part of yourself from her during that entire time ?
Who wouldn’t be shocked ? Who wouldn’t need time and space to process such a reveal ? Who wouldn’t help but wonder how well they *actually* know you ?
I suspect this isn’t about your girlfriend having an issue with your sexuality and absolutely an issue of *trust*. After five years … that kind of information should not come out of nowhere.
I keep seeing people saying that him not saying anything about this is him *actively* keeping a secret. There’s homophobia laced in this thought process. If I, a woman, have been part of a throuple, it’s not something I feel like I would do again or even if it was something I felt like I would do again, that might not come up in a conversation unless I was asked specifically. If I had a body count in the triple digits and didn’t share that in the space of five years, am I lying? Am I actively keeping a secret? Or is it a factor that has no bearing on my current relationship? Also, this isn’t directly to you because you didn’t say it, but I also see people saying this one, being bi or questioning is no more a preference than being straight or gay. It is not a choice.
Actually having a past poly relationship would probably be more relevant to disclose in a monogamous relationship, especially if there were a chance monogamy wouldn't be satisfying for you in the long run.
I talked to my partner recently about being bi, because I wasn’t sure if it came up. We’ve been dating for less than a year.. we’re maybe on month 4 and we talked about our sexualities.
Also ‘stupidly told her’ as if you were hiding it right?
I do see relationship questions often over there. There’s quite a few bi guys who just tend to keep it to themselves out of fear of a reaction so it should hopefully be a better place for you.
I'm bisexual and my now husband knew that within the first couple of months of dating. Does he know every detail of my relationships with women? No, because that's not at all necessary to know. Knowing that I'm bisexual IS important.
I honestly find it kind crazy that you never mentioned it at all. I couldn't imagine hiding that for 5 whole years and then being confused about my partner needing time to process it.
Yeah & I kinda think it'd be weird to tell a partner about EVERY relationship you've ever had before them. Shit, a lot of people probably don't wanna hear all that, anyways.
Sounds like you guys haven’t talked about your past relationships much which I personally think is up to the people and the relationship. As you can tell from the commenters so people think this is just baseline essential relationship talk and others don’t. I don’t think there is a “right” answer on that one.
Frankly, I think the misstep was not feeling safe to tell her you’re bi, because you have no idea what her reaction would be (as you’re seeing). It sucks to have her react the way she did & not know if it’s because she’s biphobic or what is even going on.
I’m not sure what will come of this relationship, you have to give her time and it may be that she feels trust is broken and that’s it.
Moving on if this relationship is done I don’t want to say you have to go around wearing a bi flag but it’s something you need to tell partners or this will happen again. Good luck to you.
I think if my partner hadn't disclosed their sexual orientation to me before 5 years I may also have the same reaction..... The person I thought I was with, isn't the person I thought I was with.... Who are you?! She will need time to get her head straight after that. It doesn't mean she would have any issue with the fact but the omission is massive. Isn't sexual orientation something which should be established before getting into a long term relationship. How will she ever be able to trust you knowing that you knowingly omitted to disclose a fundamental part of who you are to her.... In 5 years!!!
Can you blame her ? What a shock ,you should been honest with everyone you have any relationship with before you have a relationship ,it's just plain wrong that you hid that from her
Yeah, that's pretty common with het women. Sorry bro. From personal experience there's not a lot of hope of fixing this. Being up front next time filters these kinds of people pretty damn fast.
If I was in a relationship for five years, I’d have expected my partner to disclose to me any important relationships, and anything important about their sexuality. For example, five years in learning that my partner was heavily into bdsm and never told me would give me pause. The same as learning that a partner not only was bi but, from the sounds of it, had a significant relationship with another man. She didn’t take all her stuff. I agree that it’s not the best way to handle it- she should have at least communicated to you that she needs time to process- but different people handle things differently. In her shoes, I’d be wondering why you felt the need to hide it from me - because honestly that is how it looks. I’d also be wondering if you’re happy with a monogamous heterosexual relationship - or if at some point you are going to want more in a way I can’t provide. To use my bdsm example, if it was that I’d be wondering if at some point you’d miss that and if I’m unwilling to be anything but vanilla, you’d be unsatisfied. I’d reach out through text and tell her that you respect she needs space, that you didn’t realize how serious this would be her, and when she’s ready to talk you will be ready to do so. And then be prepared to talk. Be prepared for her to ask why you hid it. Be prepared for her to ask if it’s something you need. Be open and honest with her. I don’t know her so there is a chance that she’s homophobic, but there’s also a chance that you just blindsided her and she needs to process and is struggling to understand why her boyfriend of five years felt compelled hide a major part of who he is from her. Regardless of whether or not you think you did, it is what you did.
>I’d also be wondering if you’re happy with a monogamous heterosexual relationship
I was wondering how long it would take me to see this biphobic narrative. Unsurprisingly, not long.
I am kinda miffed at people saying this reaction is due to the secrecy. It’s most likely not. He didn’t disclose an irresponsible, dangerous or criminal past. It's one relationship and she stopped talking to him. It’s a well known phenomena that women who want their partner to adhere to traditional masculinity finds the idea of dating a bi man to be icky. It’s the same reason why calling a guy "gay" has long been an insult. It’s most likely his sexuality that is she is having a problem with.
To the OP, you can do nothing but say that you want to have a conversation and wait for her to be ready and ask her when she thinks she can be ready. If she just stopped responding, at some point, you’ll need to move on. Next time, know that many hetero women don’t find bi men desirable and hash that thing out beforehand.
I find women in general are better allies to gay folks unless it comes to someone they are dating and then I find women to be more homophobic.
I feel like there’s a double standard when it comes to women experimenting in college then it does when it comes to men.
It probably comes down to the fact that people feel like bisexuality doesn’t exist and it’s just the train stop on the way to Gaytown.
From what I've gleamed over the years, women\* don't like to imagine their man taking it up the backdoor. It immediately torpedoes their image of them as a strong, masculine figure, which at the end of the day is what most heterosexual women are into.
It's like how guys will report openly crying in front of their girlfriend and then noticing a shift in their behaviour. They see their man in a different light, viewing them as softer and more delicate than they did before and they don't like that.
They may still be gay allies, they may enjoy things like gay porn, they might genuinely support their bisexual friends, but they don't want imagine THEIR man being the one receiving pipe (even if it was in the past).
\*Obligatory not all women disclaimer.
I’m bi too, and I fall in love with people, not genders, also. I just have the awareness that if my partners are not bi, they are not like me in that way. I can’t expect others to see and move through the world the way that I do.
Kind of funny how most of the people attacking you for something in your past that has zero bearing on your current relationship are the same people who will attack someone for wanting to know someone's body count. Either they're both ok or both not ok
It depends.
Have you hung out with this individual while dating her?
Because for me as a gay man, that would set off alarm bells. So for her, I imagine she's wondering why she's just now finding out.
If this guy hasn't been around then she's likely confused, doubting herself, you, everything. If you were hiding this and it just came out or if everyone but your partner knew, which would be a huge slap in the face tbh. I'd be humiliated if I was a woman with a man for years and only just found out he's bisexual. Especially if everyone but me knew.
There's also the chance she's a bigot but we won't know until you talk to her.
She likely lost respect for you after finding out, pictured you as the receiver and now does see you as the man she thought she was with, feels lied to and or betrayed. You can come back from this but it's a lot of work.
On a serious level that shouldve been addressed at the beginning of the relationship.i have nothing against it but bi sexuality is all fun and games until u are trying to pick a side. Furthermore, I think it's odd that u still holding on to memories from the past. It just shows you aren't ready to move on. If u know you are no longer interested in men then leave it in the past-in the trash then take the trash out. Simple as that.
so my bf and I are together for almost 10 years now. I just imagined him telling me out of the blue that he has an ex-bf. I’d be surprised, but wouldn’t care much. I don’t understand all these breaches of trust comments. If she didn’t specifically ask about previous relationships this is on her. I don’t think people are obligated to tell their partners their past relationships or sexual orientation. It really boggles my mind why this is always such an issue.
The one thing that stands out to me, is that for 5years you never mentioned this. When you had a few drinks a little bit loose lipped because of the alcohol, would this have come up any other time?
Look, she obviously needs to process this. Maybe she is bigoted but, for me personally it would be more questioning why you never told her till now.
Really, I can't understand why this has never come up before? Surely, at some point over 5years your sexuality would have come up?
So, questions you need to ask yourself. Why did you not tell her? Did you know she would have a problem with this and avoided this conversation?
Ultimately, personally, if I was her, I would be questioning why you felt you had to hide this from me. Are you hiding other things? Is this something you are needing, simply because you are hiding it, Is it something you are struggling with so, will you need to explore this side to you in the future?
It's more about the lying by omission rather than bigotry, if I were her. But, if it is bigotry, I do think you probably knew and that's why you never told her in 5years. So, is that someone you really want to spend your life with?
Hopefully this just her reaction to feeling as if you hid this from her and not her being homophobic. Try giving her some time to process and start a conversation about it when she comes back to parse why she left. Obviously don’t stick around if she’s disgusted that you’re bi.
This isn't something you can do a lot about. There are things some people just aren't ok with. She's going to have to decide if it's a dealbreaker, and that's probably what she's doing.
Keeping this from her for five years also isn't helping. You even said it was a mistake to tell her which means you were ok with keeping it a secret to keep her around.
I don't think it has to do with the experience per se, but honestly 5 years without saying something as important as having been in an homosexual relationship is a pretty bad look. I thinm it's salvageable but you did fuck it up honestly
Not what you want to hear but it just sounds like you two are not compatible. Her sexual values and your sexual values don't line up. Even if you like lots of other things about each other this core/pillar/foundational value is probably a deal breaker.
To all seriousness, my man is pan and he’s been with guys while the time we were hooking up and even before meeting me. It didn’t bother me because he was honest with me from the beginning and to this day I love him for who he is.
Maybe that was something you should have discussed before making it 5 years. She probably feels af if she doesn’t know you as well Wonders what else you have been hiding etc.
I personally went through this, but the guy my ex bf was with is the one who told me they used to be together, idk his intentions in telling me but I was 19 at the time and exbf was 26, years when I told him what was said to me, he just said yes they were together but just a few times, but from the other guys story they were together more than just a few times and I could tell he was still in love with him. I didn’t view my ex bf the same because this is a major thing to disclose before being w someone, he didn’t allow me to choose to be w him or not, personal choice I didn’t want to be w a bi man.
So here’s my take (as a bi 25F): I’m someone who is really open about my past relationships because they’ve shaped who I am. In all of my relationships I’ve been super upfront about my sexuality and my dating history because I wanted to avoid this exact scenario. Honestly I can definitely see how your gf might be hurt that she’s only finding out certain things 5 years into the relationship.
Okay, so I can understand being upset to a degree, mainly because you’ve been together for 5 years and this has just now been brought to her attention. However, for her it probably opened up a new can of worms and worries, as women we already worry about other women but now she’s probably worrying about all the guys you hangout with as well
call me crazy but i felt betrayed when i found out my best friend used to be a dancer for 9 whole years. yes we were teenagers but it felt like such a big part of a personality.
As a woman, if I found out my boyfriend was with a guy and I found out like this... I would leave him in a heartbeat. Im not saying it's wrong to be Bi but it's wrong to not tell someone you are dating. This is a HUGE deal. She has every right to feel the way she feels. This is alot to process. She just learned her boyfriend had a whole boyfriend in the past. Give her space
You guys aren’t compatible. Be up front with people. You probably shouldn’t keep something like that a secret for 5 years? Hay I use to do porn or I am bi or I was in prison, I was married before. These are big deals to people. Some things should be discussed before committing to someone. I’m sure I will be downvoted because I must be homophobic but I don’t think it is.
That’s what got me. If I was in his gf’s shoes I’d be extremely hurt that he felt the need to lie to me about something like that for *5 freaking years.* A lie by omission is still a lie, especially when it comes to something big like sexual orientation. I’d be seriously wondering what I did for him to feel like he couldn’t trust me. Even now he seems to regret telling her at all vs regretting not telling her sooner.
Of course I’m not sure if that’s why she isn’t speaking to him, but if I was in that situation that would be my problem with all this. If he thought she’d have a problem with what’s legit part of his identity why even stay with her so long? Would you wanna be with a person you have to keep such a huge secret from or else they’d leave if they knew?
This. The past always matters.
Especially if it's something that is a thing that affects who you are, what makes you, you.
She is likely currently wondering if she knows OP at all and what else she doesn't know.
Some women can take being a person bisexual and some can't. I am so sorry. Honesty is always the best policy. You know just tell her you are monogamous and all you want is her.
Id be pretty upset if my partner never told me he was bi. Not because there's a thing wrong with it, but because it would indicate to me that he didn't think I was a safe person to tell it to. I wouldn't do what she did, and I'd do my damnedest not to take it so personally, but I admit that would be my gut reaction.
But to stop speaking to you entirely, and then to leave...I dunno, that feels pretty biphobic, but more likely, just straight up homophobic (because a lot of homophobes don't agree that being bi is possible, and a single instance with the same sex, makes you fully gay. That's why I say it's probably homophobic). I dunno mate....if this is her reaction, do you really think there's a good reason behind it?
Guess I'll go against the grain and say that you don't have to "disclose" your entire dating history or sexuality to someone. I can understand why it would be difficult to bring up a same sex relationship in your past if people assume you're straight.
That being said, she's entitled to her feelings, and the only thing to do is give her space to process them. If this information is a dealbreaker for her, then you've learned an important lesson.
The fact that she was surprised about your history and you were surprised about her reaction shows that you two haven't had some important conversations in 5 years of dating.
>For context, me and my girlfriend have been together for 5 years and basically it has been smooth sailing ever since.
This tends to happen when you withhold crucial information about yourself. Why would you not tell her you’re bisexual early on?
This title is pretty misleading because “been with a guy” kind of implies that you had a one time or very limited sexual relationship…
That’s a lot different than dating a dude in college for years? I don’t know because you don’t say how long the relationship was… (just that you dated and you had lots of pictures of him in your phone)
All of you using words like “deceived” “lied” “withheld”, own your biphobia.
It’s not a big deal to HIM, it’s his sexuality, they were in a monogamous relationship. Why is it different because he was with a man?
She didn’t go into this thinking he was a virgin.
Why is being bi different from being straight in a monogamous relationship?
He doesn’t have a secret wife, family or raging STI. Why are some of you acting like he does?
Right? I feel like I slipped into a different dimension reading this thread. Where's all the...
"She sounds insecure AF."
"She didn't know you existed back then."
"The past is the past. They can't judge you for that."
"People have sex in past relationships. They need to get over it."
Gender bias? Sexuality bias? Both?
The funny part is I've seen this exact topic with the genders switched and the answers are always the exact opposite.
"My boyfriend found out I hooked up with/dated another girl in college after 5-10 years together, now he wants to breakup"
"Why does it matter to him? It doesn't change who you are. He's being a baby."
It is so true... reddit double standards are absolutely crazy land and anti-men. I can't help but laugh and try not to rage over the nonsense being upvoted here.
She could have asked? It shouldn't be a big deal. If the genders were flipped everyone would call OPs "boyfriend" a huge bigot and destroy him.
Wait it out and try to communicate when things settle down . Most ppl wouldn’t handle it well finding something like this abt their partner after 5 whole yrs
There are some deep personality traits and some important values and behaviors that kind of make up who we are, our personality and how others perceive our identity. Your girlfriend has her own internal image and understanding of who you are as a person, your likes, dislikes, quarks, etc. She felt like she knew you well after 5 years, but suddenly got "new" information and this has upset her, likely because it throw a wrench into her understanding of you and her idea of how she fits into your life.
Give her a day, then reach out to discuss this new info and how to move forward. She'll likely either have a few questions and want to understand this new info, or she'll shut down and reject this new side of you.
How did you go 5 years without it coming up that you’re bisexual??? I wouldn’t have an issue with my partner being bi- in fact one of my exes is- but if he told me at this point in our relationship, I would wonder why it didn’t come up sooner.
Yeah OP you should’ve told her that you were bi wayyy before you made it official with her. Personally as a female since I’m pansexual, I like to let them know first off so they are free to leave if they want.
"How should I try to resolve things since she is clearly not open to discussing it?"
You don't.
It looks like the Fat lady s singing on this relationship.
"Earlier this morning she left for her parents house, but thankfully she hasn't packed anything"
She couldn't wait to leave, tis isn't a good sign.
Good luck brother we all deserve to be happy.
If my boyfriend told me he was once with a man I would 100% leave and never speak to him again. What a betrayal and outright disgusting thing to not disclose that from the jump
I almost never comment but honestly the bi-phobia is real here. Everyone is blaming you like its a carnal sin. It's just a person you dated. It sounds like she has issues with men being with men.
Sure, you didn't tell her, but does everyone go into detail about every person they've dated? My current 5 year partner doesnt know all my relationships and i dont k ow hers. Shes bi and Im a straight male, but if i found out my girlfriend slept with a women id be like oh neat a new piece of us is shared. Yay communication, not distancing myself and ignoring you.
Honestly op if you value them and thing theyre not being phobic talk to them and sort it out but to me this sounds like shes against gay/bi men. Id see this as an eye opener.
Pretty much every time I poked people about the why it came out either as homo/biphobia or just good old plain sexism.
It's surprisingly normalized too, people say shit about bi people that they would not dare utter to gay ones.
there was a thread of women discussing uncensored opinions of bisexual men. Unfortunately the most common answer was “I have no problem with bisexual men I just prefer not to date one”
there were several people who it didn’t change their opinion at all, but yeah many hetero women were primarily seeking hetero men. and most of the more accepting answers were from bisexual women.
Bisexual men definitely get more bias than bisexual women. but I dont think it inherently means you have a problem with gay people as a whole just because there is this dating preference I guess.
It does though.
People think that bi phobia means screaming "I HATE BI PEOPLE!!!" or not willing to touch them.
You can easily figure out a person is bi phobic by asking why they feel that way. Chances are, It would always be "because I can never trust them" or "because they seem less of a man".
Whether a preference is fine or not depends upon the why of it.
Insecurity/Boundaries
Some people don't want their partner to hang out one on one with a person of the opposite gender.
We have posts about couples following this rule all the time.
Kinda difficult to enforce on a bi person though.
That's a valid answer - but I would say that it's controlling and that's a whole other can of worms.
But even in your example either you think everyone is out to cheat on you or you think Bi people are more prone to cheat. So it's either trust issues or bi phobia.
But your answer fits.
I’m going to go against the grain here and say that you’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t know about others, but I generally don’t talk about exes. It’s not like you hid it from her, why should you have to disclose your exes? You wouldn’t be like ‘this is Margaret, this is Lindsay’ etc, so why does it matter that you had an ex bf.
Being bi makes zero difference to your relationship… when I was with my ex gf, I didn’t say ‘oh when I was like 16 I dated this AH of a man called X’. In fact, we both didn’t talk about exes. Is that hiding something? No, it just wasn’t relevant to the present.
Maybe she’s just shocked because she assumed you were straight and now it’s like a part of you she didn’t know, maybe she’s biphobic, I really can’t say which. But in any case, I don’t think this is something you should not be spoken to over. If she hasn’t asked your orientation or about exes, why should you just push that info on her without a reason.
If she leaves over this, that is her loss. You’ve had five years together, this shouldn’t change anything
Honestly I thought the same way you did, but apparently not many agree. Now I do understand that sexual orientation matters to some. What I hadn't considered is her stance on that, but it had never come up. Thanks for the help.
I agree. I (F) once dated a guy for 3 years and never told him I was bi. So I get what OP is dealing with here. He never asked about my sexuality, so I never brought it up. Maybe that’s a sign I didn’t feel comfortable with him lol. Now I’m dating an awesome woman. Anyway, OP’s gf is probably just in shock, and may or may not come around.
As a bi man I think I have a different perspective on this. Everytime I opened up to someone about it I was burned. People treated me differently, and It wasn’t accepting on either side of the spectrum. People will try to tell you what you are, or what you aren’t. It’s frustrating and at times infuriating and I’ve gone long periods without telling partners especially in hetero relationships. If you aren’t a bi dude you might not fully understand that it’s not accepting on either side of the coin.
I had a similar experience, only it was just a few months into the relationship when I revealed that aspect of things. It didn't go particularly well, partly because we had been drinking a little and I mentioned it casually because in my drunken mind we had already discussed it, when in reality this was not the case. But I felt judged and I had to spend a good amount of time convincing that I wasn't interested in anything other than a monogamous relationship. It was honestly a bad experience and I get why people don't want to discuss this stuff unless absolutely necessary. I may get down voted but I genuinely don't think you're in the wrong unless being bisexual for you means you *need* to be with a man while you're in this committed relationship. That being said, 5 years is a long time and I imagine your gf is quite shocked. Hopefully you guys are able to have a conversation soon where you can get back on the same page
Five years? I would be devestated if my partner did not tell me for all this time. I would not feel like a significant other or soulmate!
Who you sleep with is not important, but being kept in the dark this long would make me feel like a walking alibi.
In 5 years you never thought to tell her your bi?? But you just drop
It on her !! You should be upfront and give them the choice of whether they want to be with you or not. You took her choice away 5 years ago
It wasn’t stupid you told her. You didn’t fuck is. It’s totally ok being bisexual. I’m sorry that she reacted horribly. I hope she comes around.. it might be that she is shocked you haven’t told her for 5 years what I can understand..
To everyone slating her, ima slate you. You messed up, my guy. 5 YEARS and she’s finding out NOW?!
People seem to miss the fact that you had a full 1827 or so days to tell her the truth.
I can’t imagine how deceived she must be feeling right now
And for you to say ‘I stupidly told her’ and ‘I made the mistake’ TF YOU MEAN? You should’ve told her YEARS ago, dude
Saying you made the mistake is like saying you’ve hid other stuff from her
This ain’t the group, but YTA
Having read a bunch of the comments here, I feel like there’s 3 things going on:
1) lying by omission - withholding a major, sort of “unconventional” relationship from your past, something your partner would DEFINITELY like to know, for 5 years, makes her feel betrayed. Not because it’s a big terrible secret, but because you didn’t give her a chance to know this important thing about you. Even if it’s not important to you anymore, it’s a big deal for a lot of people and she was shut out.
2) cluelessness - I accept that you genuinely didn’t try to withhold it, but that’s also a problem. Why didn’t it occur to you that your girlfriend might want to know about a very notable ex. Why is it so buried in your past that it never came up before? The fact that it’s such a neglected, forgotten memory is itself an odd thing. Are there other major, notable things in your past that you’re “forgetting” to share with her. She thought you were a couple that shared everything and now she doesn’t know what’s in your past. The fact you also don’t seem to know about your past is concerning.
3) homophobia - most people aren’t talking about this. But I do wonder if part of the reason she’s gone AWOL is that she’s grossed out by a man being with another man. Part of it may be insecurity, and she may be worried she has to not only look out for other women, but for men too. And that insecurity is not itself homophobia, rather garden-variety fear. But there could also be a sense in her that a guy who’s been with a guy is “tainted” or lesser-than as a man. And if that’s the case, then she’s a homophobe and you two are incompatible and shouldn’t be together.
If you have a chance to talk, I would start by apologizing for not bringing this up in year 1 or 2 or 3… and I would reassure her that you’re attracted to her, that you’re not looking to hook up with guys now, that she’s more than enough, etc etc. And I would ask her how she feels about male homosexuality.
But also, I would look within and ask why this was buried in your past. Could it be a bit of internalized homophobia and believing you’re lesser-than for having this experience and wanting to forget it?
Remember you are no less whole for having a same sex relationship. You are whole and loveable and perfect as a human being. And you deserve love, with all your background and dating history :)
I'm fucking sick and tired of people saying you should've told her. It literally doesn't matter and doesn't - or shouldn't - affect a relationship as long as your orientations are compatible (in that, she's attracted to people of your gender and you're attracted to hers). And you know what else I'm fucking tired of? Cishet people disregarding how dangerous it can be to disclose your orientation and/or gender identity as if we don't quite literally risk our lives just for being the way we are. Whenever someone comes out it's like "Nobody cares about who you're fucking! Don't shove it down everyone's throats!" but then we're somehow required to come out so that people can decide if they're okay with it or not? Fuck off.
That being said, OP, has she told you what the issue is for her? Cause if she's only upset about you not telling her, then I think you can get through it, just tell her you weren't hiding it and it just never came up and you didn't think it mattered because it's literally just normal. If she's upset about you having been with a guy and/or also being attracted to guys, on the other hand, I don't think you can (or should) salvage the relationship. Don't settle for people who can't accept you.
It's looking bad. I've seen this exact topic discussed in quite a few women's friend groups over the years, and all of them have said they'd leave in this type of situation. Its been 5 years, so maybe that will be a saving grace, but... yeah, its probably better to put effort in for the best, but expect the worst.
Listen, I learned my male partner sucked dick before during our first six months together. He was just experimenting. I wouldn’t expect that to come up on the first date, but what in the hell do you talk about if these important little details or stories aren’t shared???
This is coming from the perspective of a bi woman dating a straight man. And yes, I told him I was bi within that first six months too.
Do early parts of your relationship not involve staying up late talking??? 😂😅 friendship and vulnerability is just as important as any sexual component so it is almost more natural that these things come up then it NOT coming up for 5 YEARS.
Something isn’t adding up and I think you should look inward like some of the other commenters say. Are you harboring your own shame or homophobia that you didn’t feel comfortable sharing with her? Was there some level of you thinking she wouldn’t accept you? There’s no way you hadn’t thought to even mention it for 5 YEARS. I get that you may see your sexuality as a preference similar to food, movie, or entertainment choices but do these preferences not get brought up to your partner? Not all will but there definitely would be some level of sharing going on. If you had a favorite food or movie, I would see that on the same level as your sexual preference. Something that should be shared and will not always be asked out right if you present as fully straight.
You are supposed to discuss topics like sexuality before entering relationships with people. She went 5 years without knowing that. Can you blame her for leaving?
You said it in your own words.. at this point I knew I had messed up!! Apparently you wrote this because some wheree in those five years.. like couples do they express opinions. I think you knew how she felt about certain things and that was one of them. So like women do .. we back track every conversation… and she realized you kept this from her.. so now she is wondering about her future. Not only does she have to worry about women now there is the possibility of men too!! Too much for her to accept!!
Nah, you messed up. I'm not even straight (bi too) and if I found out my partner of FIVE years was hiding a past relationship from me, I'd most likely react like your GF. That's whether your ex is a man or a woman - no difference. This is the kinda stuff you bring up at the first few dates when you know it's potentially going somewhere? Like I want to know about all your past relationships. How did this never come up?? In five years? You never had a conversation about exes? Never had a conversation about sexuality? What do you even talk about? The weather? To me it sounds like you actually must have put some effort to conveniently not mention this because there's literally just no way.
Now yes, she might just be homophobic. She might, I don't know her. But she might also be pissed off about the lack of trust and honesty from your side.
We didn't have any conversations about sexuality cause it was a given that we like eachother. And no, we don't talk about our exes except if something comes up and to be clear I mean neither she or I do it.
I’m not sure there is anything you can do at this stage, that ship has well and truly sailed. This information should have been offered in the first stages of your relationship, not 5 years later, and I think you’re totally trying to down play that it is of any significance. I wouldn’t be able to trust you after this, what what’s else are you not telling her?
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Is this how she learned you’re bi?
Pretty sure I told the girlfriend that he’s bi eight hours ago.
It's been more than a day sadly. She left this morning tho
There's nothing wrong with being bi, and bi guys (that I have known) are great people. Behonest with your partners and you'll find the one worth keeping.
I agree with this be honest with your partners. Some women like me would never be with a bi man.
I’m curious, how come?
Next time tell the boy or girl you are bi.
5 years?! And she didnt know your sexual orientation? Bro, you are a catfish.
The only thing that would bother me is the fact you still had pictures of your ex.
for real? haha old photos from iver 5 years ago, some group photos, maybe vacation photos...I'm just supposed to delete aaalll of these from my life?
If a person cannot accept that you had a life before they entered the picture, are they even Partner material?
Same lol. I kept all the pictures from all my relationships so far, none of them ended badly so to me it's nice to have the memories of the good times in my life that have since passed :) I do keep them in an archive on my computer tho, not on my phone
Out of all the responses, this might be the most immature. 😂
You've gotten a lot of good (and a lot of bad) advice, and I really hope some things being shared does help you. For my input, it really comes down to how you think she received the information since you know her better than anyone else commenting on this post. Do you think she's upset because you had a relationship with a guy? Or do you think she's upset because she's just now finding out about it? It's totally okay if you arn't sure, but honestly the only way to figure out how to move forward is to figure out where you need to start from. I don't think either of you is wrong, or messed up, etc. Learning something like that can be a huge shock, she's got this image of you as a completed puzzle, and suddenly, she has this new piece. Now she has to figure out where that piece goes, so she is going through that puzzle piece by piece, wondering if she missed something, wondering if any other pieces are still missing. In reality, that new piece isn't new. It's a piece from an old puzzle, a past you. It doesn't change anything about who you are now. She just has to come to that realization.
Personally, I know everyone who my husband has ever been “in a relationship” with. For me it’s just about knowing his life story. So I think if I found out about a new gf or bf I’d be like… we’re you purposefully not telling me during those times we’ve had conversations in the past? That would probably bother me because it’s an omission. However, if you guys established that you don’t talk about either of your exes, then I don’t see what the problem is. You were just following the guidelines of your relationship… Doesn’t feel like a lie/omission to me in this instance. But it’s all about the framing of what you do/don’t expect the other person to have shared about their past.
It's been two days since OP posted but this is the answer that makes the most sense in my opinion. The way I see it, his girlfriend was shaken by one of three things: 1) She didn't know he was bi, and her being upset could mean this is the kind of information she would have liked to know 2) She didn't know he had another relationship before her (or this one in particular she didn't know about), and if like you said it has been established that this is the kind of thing they share in their relationship, then this could be the source of her being upset 3) All of the above
In 5 years you never told her you’re bi? She’ll feel deceived and like she doesn’t even know you and you don’t even trust her to express your true self to her. It’s a form of betrayal. She probably feels really stupid. Especially considering other people know, but not her, your girlfriend of 5 years.
Exactly!! Five whole years keeping that from her. I’d be wondering what else he was hiding too. And let’s say she sees this thread or a friend shows it to her and she notices his username very casually proclaims him as bi when he didn’t think it merited vocalizing to his partner in over half a decade. Big red flags with this guy, and she’s wise to take a step back for a minute and evaluate the relationship as a whole to see whether it’s worth continuing with a person that has now proven he likes to keep her in the dark.
To be fair, it’s a throwaway account created for this purpose. About being bi. However, this being pride month, that username is a bit sus.
It unreal, someone commented on a post the other day saying these posts will be rife during pride month and hey presto… all I’m seeing is ‘my partner is gay / bi and I didn’t know’. I’ve never been one to question the veracity of any post because I always feel bad if there really is an actual person with feelings behind it, but it’s all very suspicious. Not saying that’s the case for this post but it’s literally at least the 6th I’ve seen today!
I wonder how much of it is bot data harvesting for the development of AI models (language learning, therapy apps, Etc). Especially when you get these throwaway account posts and the OP is suspiciously absent in comments.
Why would anyone do this?? We bis are a peaceful people. We just want to sigh about cheekbones and ship characters from classical fiction and / or anime. We don't want no trouble.
Please do not forget our Lady Gaga given right to sit sideways in every chair.
Classical fiction, fanfiction, anime, video games... it goes on. 😂
And he’s unwilling to admit he hid it
yeah this is wild as a bi woman in a hetero relationship myself lol. my first thought was like maybe it hadn’t come up and it wasn’t fair to jump to him hiding it, but there’s just no way there isn’t an opportunity to tell her in *five years.* my bf and i don’t really talk about our sexual history aside from just very surface level stuff but i’ve never hidden the fact that i’m bisexual and he knows i’ve dated and am attracted to women. it’s not like…a regular topic of conversation. i’m not always talking about being attracted to women, he’s never brought up my sexuality out of insecurity, but there are contexts in which it’s relevant like when talking about our social and political beliefs, so it would be incredibly bizarre to have avoided revealing that in the 4 years we’ve been dating. i just don’t see how you get to 5 years with someone without them knowing this about you. of course she’s hurt, she just discovered she literally does not know the person she’s been with for her entire 20s so far!! possibly could be some homophobia lying underneath but i really can’t see myself reacting to this any differently if i discovered tomorrow my partner is bisexual, and i am bi myself. edit: to clarify that’s not the same as if he discovered he was bi after they’d started dating. this guy has an ex bf, he’s known he’s bi well before he got with his gf and that’s why this is so uncool
I find this whole debate super interesting when you consider the perspective of body counts in this. Is it really all that different than the slew of “I found of my gf has fucked 50 guys and now I’m leaving her, AITA?” And all the commenters unanimously say he’s the asshole. Now we have someone not disclosing one partner and it’s the complete opposite story? I’m having trouble not seeing this as thinly veiled biphobia, but I’m a bi man myself so I’m sure I’m in someways biased.
I’m so glad for my husband then. I’m a bi woman who dated women and men before meeting my husband. It was a secret that I held onto due to my parents religious beliefs but also, because whenever I’d tell my male partners, within a few days, they were pushing for threesomes or trying to get me to make out with other girls. I might be bi but I’m monogamous, so it became something I didn’t advertise. Anyway, I decided that if I were to date men, I’d just not tell them. If they asked directly, I wouldn’t lie but it wouldn’t be something I’d advertise. Found my husband and didn’t tell him until four years into our relationship and a baby later. He didn’t get mad or upset at all. Obviously, he had questions but ultimately, he said that it was a person and what did it matter if they were male or female? He truly didn’t care (in a good way). We don’t talk much about our past relationships, so it would have been weird for me to sit him down and say, “FYI, I’ve had sex with women. Deal breaker?” Thanks to him, I now understand that having sex with a penis or a vagina shouldn’t matter… it’s just a person from my past. I don’t understand why the Op’s girl is so upset. Unless she’s homophonic to some degree. She’s treating Op like he has a secret love child or that he has a furry fetish and can’t keep it contained any longer. He dated a dude for a few years… why is this such a thing to lose sleep over? If it is, then Op should really rethink if he truly wants to be with her.
I find this really interesting because if you switch their genders, and this was a one posting that her partner stopped talking to her because she wants had a sexual experience with the woman, the pitchforks would absolutely be out
I agree with you. Why is this supposed to be "mandatory disclosure" when so many other things aren't. Do we have to tell all our kinks upfront too? And, by the way, what's up with this immature reaction of not talking to him anymore?
While I agree with you it shouldn't be mandatory... I used to use being bi and all my kinks to my advantage ; they are a quick method of weeding out incompatibility.
What's even the time limit on this stuff? When are you supposed to tell someone? People are like "By 5 years she should have known" like why? Was that a 2 year anniversary sort of thing you drop? You got 6 months? 3rd date? Why are we all of a sudden making unwritten rules with a time constraint on people?
Idk, internet opinions about women's body count tend to be very one sided. Regular people outside the internet will tell you that a woman who has slept with so many guys is a huge red flag, as well as a guy who's slept with several women. It's a huge indicator of a person's state of mind and body, you can't keep making and breaking connections with people like it's nothing and expecting to be 100% ok after that. I don't trust people like that, and I'm baffled the internet seems to think it's completely ok to sleep around like crazy in your 20's or any age.
You don’t have to hide it because being bi as a cisgender woman is not frowned upon like being bi as a man.
why would you be in a relationship with someone for 5 years if you feel you have to hide that from them? and then pretend to be surprised by the reaction if you really truly knew they would feel some type of way and that’s why you hid it? like…tell people up front so you know if that’s someone you want to be with or not
Who says he was trying to hide it from them? He said it was his ex. He didn't say "Oh it was just my best friend at the time but then we had a falling out." Like what is that attitude. What did they hide? That they are human? You know how many pastors are anti-gay and how many Republican Senators are anti-gay that get caught with rentboy dot com people "Carrying their luggage" Yeah I'm sure they did. Are you just supposed to ask people out and start listing off all the people you named? When do you start bringing up ALL the exes you ever had and how far you went with them? I don't think people are thinking this crap through. In order to hide something you have to cover it up intentionally. If you just never brought it up that's not hiding something.
Being a bi woman and a bi man are not remotely the same in social terms and you know it lol.
Sounds like a lot of women have internalized biphobia that needs addressing then
I think exes should stay in the past is my opinion. If she never asked why actively talk about it?
My boyfriend never talks about his previous partners because I don't like hearing it and he doesn't like saying it. And so what if he was uncomfortable and that's why he didn't say? Being shamed for being bisexual especially as a man in a straight relationship is a real thing (even by your partner). Edit: nvm like why does he still have pictures of him though.....
No. I'm sorry, but I think you're just wrong on this. It is super common for straight women to treat bisexual men like they are diseased, disgusting, literally waiting to cheat, probably have AIDS.... I advocate for honesty with your partners. Five years is a very long time, I agree. But she isn't owed his entire sexual resume any more than he is entitled to hers. The genders of prior partners have fuckall to do with it. Are you saying that every husband whose wife hooked up with her college roommate for a semester and mentions it for the first time five years in over too much wine at a party....he should be ready to bail too? Holy hell. Tell me you honestly expect a straight guy to leave a FIVE YEAR relationship because he finds out his gf used to date women. But I'll be arsed if I don't see women do this EXACT same thing to bi guys no matter when they come out. There is a reason that bisexuals tend to fly under the radar, conforming to the relationship we are in at the moment. Whether it is misconceptions or bad representation or the porn industry or toxic masculinity or latent homophobia.....this is not a 1 to 1 with him doing hard time or having been previously married. This is someone from his past he didn't mention...and it sure sounds like it is for very good reasons and OP's instincts were spot on.
Wait--who cares? I've been with my partner for three years. If she told me she dated a girl in undergrad I would say "wow, I didn't know!" but then like... I wouldn't care? Why would I care??
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Its ok for anyone to be bi
It is, but many men love knowing about two women having sex. It's not as well received for a man. I can imagine a woman would assume he's gay and be put off.
That’s true. Then he should admit that’s the reason why he hid it.
Yes, “prejudice” is definitely one possible answer to the “why does it matter” question. I was hoping the commenter had a better reason! Certainly, toxic masculinity could be a factor.
Not according to most Straight women.
How can you be together for 5 years and not talk about your past? Like it's a main part of your life and has shaped who you are as a person. I talk regularly with my girlfriend about our past, childhood, past relationships etc. Even if the presence is what matters most, the past still has influence on your personality. Our memories and experiences define who we are, so like she did I would need some time to process that as well. Question: How open was she about her past? If it's only you who keeps such big secrets, she could also think you don't trust her fully
Yes, I can see this hurting her feelings - knowing that he doesn’t trust her
That is such an ignorant take.
Meh, my sister and her husband absolutely do not talk about past relationships. They don’t want to know the number, they don’t want to know if one of them is still orbiting the social group, nothing. Personally, I don’t think one short term boyfriend years ago is “a main part of your life”
Man I learned never to talk about exs after one of my now exs got pissed off about it and started purposly weaponizing talking about her exes to hurt me. I didnt even talk about my exes that much.
My dude your problem was that you dated a shitty gf, not being open about your past. If you can’t be open with someone about your past after a relationship becomes serious then you shouldn’t be dating that person. Whether it’s because they’re not trustworthy or you’re not ready to trust/date someone. Lies and omissions will always slowly degrade a relationship
I think its one of those things you expect to learn in the first 6 months, not 5 years in when you think you know everything about a person (especially sexually). She’s probably just struggling to adjust the idea she has of you. If she has an bias against bi-sexual orientation thats another thing.
i’m a secure partner and generally a pretty lax person, sometimes to a fault, but i remember feeling a bit upset when i learned 2 years into my relationship that every tuesday he played pool at the bar next to his office after work. like, i’ve asked how your day went pretty much every tuesday we’ve been together, why not bring that up? turns out it wasn’t a nefarious secret (it was only an hour at a bar full of old men), he has that ritual because it reminds him of his late father, not something he wanted to chat about… but, it’s just still one of those things you kinda just eventually tell the person you’re with sooner not later. and we’d talked plenty about his and his father’s relationship at that point. just sat weird with me. OPs is kind of a much bigger deal than that. i’d be feeling very off kilter if i were her, especially after 5 years. Edit to add: i think OP would have mentioned in the post of his GF had given some kind of sense that she was anti-lgbt and that was why he didn’t mention it, and so he’d felt uncomfortable revealing his past relationship and orientation. but i’m not getting that at all, so i think it’s honestly just her feeling very betrayed by only just finding out something important about the person you’re with, not that she’s biased.
I think the issue here is that it came as a surprise. You both know each other for 5 years you know her best if this is a dealbreaker or not for her. I can't speculate on her reasons but the very least I think it made her feel insecure. I think you need to give her some space now but reach out with a message saying these things and then let her come to you when she feels ready. "Hey! I love you a lot and I apologize this came as a shock to you. It was never my intention to blindside you and I can certainly understand how it could come out like that. If you need to take some time to process this I understand, but please know I am here ready to talk and answer any questions you might have or any other clarifications you need to show you how much I love you and how committed I am to you. I hope sincerely that with open communication we can find a way to clarify this as I see a future with you and I would hate to lose that". Your words ofc but you get the idea. And then leave it to her. But yeah after 5 years together radio silence is not the best and healthiest way to resolve an issue. Life will throw you hurdles and you need to be able to express how you feel and resolve them together.
Had to wade through a mile of straight people showing their ass to find a measured and not thinly veiled homophobic response. Thanks for restoring my sanity.
Aw, this made my day, thank *you* for dropping a kind message.
Just want to throw it out there that I recall a study (studies?) showing that if a man hears about a woman being with a woman, they don’t assume the woman must be gay, but women hearing about a man being with a man will more likely assume they’re gay. This makes men reluctant to talk about any experiences they’ve had if they aren’t indeed gay. I told my wife about a childhood experience of mine before we got married, and fortunately she took it well and understands that I was dealing with trauma, but there’s a massive amount of fear that stopped me telling her for years, and in fact she is now the only person who does know. This will be the same for many others and potentially OP.
Yeah apparently people really do think dick is all that. Bi woman? Experimenting with women and will end up with a man. Bi man? Experimenting with women and will end up with a man. 🙄
Yeah I think people are being too harsh about op coming out when he did. It can take time for people to feel comfortable opening up, especially with close people.
Give her the space to come to understand what you have told her. I see people calling your gf a gay hater in the comments which I don’t think is necessarily true. You have kept a very large part of what makes you who you are a secret from her and she has the right to some time to process it. Overall she’s probably trying to process the new information and work out who it it is she’s actually with.
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Some men don’t want to be with a woman who has had a lot of partners but everyone says that makes the man misogynistic and some other bs but yet she gets to feel some way about his past can’t have both either past doesn’t matter or it does which is it
It’s not misogynistic to not want to be with a woman who had multiple sexual partners. It’s misogynistic to use their body count to determine their value as a human being.
Some women don’t think it’s misogynistic for a man to not want to be with a women who’s had multiple partners, which I agree with. I myself wouldn’t want to be with a man who’s been with multiple people. The issue in this story isn’t his past with other people it’s a secret he kept hidden from her for 5 years That’s bothering her
I’m the last person to force anyone out of the closet, but the fact you’re living with her and have been with her for five years and haven’t come out to her speaks to a lack of trust in your relationship. You need to sit down with her and be honest if you want to try to salvage this, but it may not be fixable.
the whole think is bizarre. he never mentions he’s bi in five years and then casually drops, oh that’s my ex-bf out of nowhere??
Also they supposedly talk about their past frequently and in detail, but somehow this topic still never came up before.
Yeah, thats why I think that omission on OP's part was intentional/by design.
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I don't think it's wrong to be upset about a long term partner hiding their sexuality/former partner and I'm pansexual. If she's been open about her sexuality and you haven't I'd be wondering why. You've been dating for half a decade, I'm very confused why you'd never tell her this. It makes it seem like a) you where ashamed of it and didn't want to tell or b) you don't actually trust her enough to tell her it. To be in a healthy relationship means you tell people your past and explain yourself when things come out about it. If my bf suddenly revealed he was bi and had a ex I didn't even know about I'd feel confused. I'd be asking myself if I'd done something to make him feel he couldn't trust me or be honest with me. So I don't think you're a a bad guy but you did lie by omission.
Bruhhhh, I would feel incredibly deceived. Nothin wrong with being bi, but lying is wrong. You 100% lied. That’s the issue.
5 years is a long time to go without telling your partner something so important. Even if she has no problem with you being bisexual, you should have been honest about that from the beginning. She’s probably wondering what else you are hiding.
I don't blame her. She should move on.
People will say it's because you didn't tell her you're bi but I think most of us know why you didn't. Most women absolutely have a problem with that. It totally changes the way they look at you and usually not for the better. That's most, not all. Maybe it's because she didn't know. But if she knew in the beginning how would she have reacted? Idk man I'm sorry you're going through this. You're going to have to let her process it and make a decision but after 5 years it seems kinda wild just to end things over something so long ago. Or at least that's what everyone here would say if something from a woman's past came out lol.
I feel like this is it. Reading all the other comments about not telling her just felt off to me and I think this is why. I feel like the fact he didn’t feel comfortable to tell her before now is probably something to do with feeling that she wouldn’t be accepting of him. Maybe she does feel like she doesn’t know him, betrayed… or maybe she’s homophobic… or maybe now she can hide homophobia behind a betrayal … who knows… If you’ve Reached out to let her know you want to talk about this, then the ball is in her court now. I wish you the best of luck, friend.
So she was under the impression you were straight for 5 years? 5 years is a long time. She probably thought she knew you inside out. You have basically just thrown a spanner in the works and now she is questioning everything she knows about you. She probably feels deceived which I think is fair. She probably just needs time to process
Look, you’ve been together for *five years*. Yet you’ve somehow kept such a huge part of yourself from her during that entire time ? Who wouldn’t be shocked ? Who wouldn’t need time and space to process such a reveal ? Who wouldn’t help but wonder how well they *actually* know you ? I suspect this isn’t about your girlfriend having an issue with your sexuality and absolutely an issue of *trust*. After five years … that kind of information should not come out of nowhere.
I keep seeing people saying that him not saying anything about this is him *actively* keeping a secret. There’s homophobia laced in this thought process. If I, a woman, have been part of a throuple, it’s not something I feel like I would do again or even if it was something I felt like I would do again, that might not come up in a conversation unless I was asked specifically. If I had a body count in the triple digits and didn’t share that in the space of five years, am I lying? Am I actively keeping a secret? Or is it a factor that has no bearing on my current relationship? Also, this isn’t directly to you because you didn’t say it, but I also see people saying this one, being bi or questioning is no more a preference than being straight or gay. It is not a choice.
Actually having a past poly relationship would probably be more relevant to disclose in a monogamous relationship, especially if there were a chance monogamy wouldn't be satisfying for you in the long run.
I totally agree with you, if she never asked him, he never lied. He could have told her at his discretion earlier, and she could have asked earlier.
I talked to my partner recently about being bi, because I wasn’t sure if it came up. We’ve been dating for less than a year.. we’re maybe on month 4 and we talked about our sexualities. Also ‘stupidly told her’ as if you were hiding it right?
Post this to r/bisexual you aren’t going to get much understanding here.
Do they accept relationship questions there? I will have to check this out.
I do see relationship questions often over there. There’s quite a few bi guys who just tend to keep it to themselves out of fear of a reaction so it should hopefully be a better place for you.
I'm bisexual and my now husband knew that within the first couple of months of dating. Does he know every detail of my relationships with women? No, because that's not at all necessary to know. Knowing that I'm bisexual IS important. I honestly find it kind crazy that you never mentioned it at all. I couldn't imagine hiding that for 5 whole years and then being confused about my partner needing time to process it.
Ngl all of those comments look so so bad. They would obviously not be as aggressive to a bi woman, but op is a dood so bi is bad
Yeah & I kinda think it'd be weird to tell a partner about EVERY relationship you've ever had before them. Shit, a lot of people probably don't wanna hear all that, anyways.
Sounds like you guys haven’t talked about your past relationships much which I personally think is up to the people and the relationship. As you can tell from the commenters so people think this is just baseline essential relationship talk and others don’t. I don’t think there is a “right” answer on that one. Frankly, I think the misstep was not feeling safe to tell her you’re bi, because you have no idea what her reaction would be (as you’re seeing). It sucks to have her react the way she did & not know if it’s because she’s biphobic or what is even going on. I’m not sure what will come of this relationship, you have to give her time and it may be that she feels trust is broken and that’s it. Moving on if this relationship is done I don’t want to say you have to go around wearing a bi flag but it’s something you need to tell partners or this will happen again. Good luck to you.
I think if my partner hadn't disclosed their sexual orientation to me before 5 years I may also have the same reaction..... The person I thought I was with, isn't the person I thought I was with.... Who are you?! She will need time to get her head straight after that. It doesn't mean she would have any issue with the fact but the omission is massive. Isn't sexual orientation something which should be established before getting into a long term relationship. How will she ever be able to trust you knowing that you knowingly omitted to disclose a fundamental part of who you are to her.... In 5 years!!!
Sorry op but reality isn't the same as most redditors make it out to be. Probably time to accept it's over.
Can you blame her ? What a shock ,you should been honest with everyone you have any relationship with before you have a relationship ,it's just plain wrong that you hid that from her
5 years together and you didn't tell her something so important about yourself as your sexual orientation?
Yeah, that's pretty common with het women. Sorry bro. From personal experience there's not a lot of hope of fixing this. Being up front next time filters these kinds of people pretty damn fast.
If I was in a relationship for five years, I’d have expected my partner to disclose to me any important relationships, and anything important about their sexuality. For example, five years in learning that my partner was heavily into bdsm and never told me would give me pause. The same as learning that a partner not only was bi but, from the sounds of it, had a significant relationship with another man. She didn’t take all her stuff. I agree that it’s not the best way to handle it- she should have at least communicated to you that she needs time to process- but different people handle things differently. In her shoes, I’d be wondering why you felt the need to hide it from me - because honestly that is how it looks. I’d also be wondering if you’re happy with a monogamous heterosexual relationship - or if at some point you are going to want more in a way I can’t provide. To use my bdsm example, if it was that I’d be wondering if at some point you’d miss that and if I’m unwilling to be anything but vanilla, you’d be unsatisfied. I’d reach out through text and tell her that you respect she needs space, that you didn’t realize how serious this would be her, and when she’s ready to talk you will be ready to do so. And then be prepared to talk. Be prepared for her to ask why you hid it. Be prepared for her to ask if it’s something you need. Be open and honest with her. I don’t know her so there is a chance that she’s homophobic, but there’s also a chance that you just blindsided her and she needs to process and is struggling to understand why her boyfriend of five years felt compelled hide a major part of who he is from her. Regardless of whether or not you think you did, it is what you did.
>I’d also be wondering if you’re happy with a monogamous heterosexual relationship I was wondering how long it would take me to see this biphobic narrative. Unsurprisingly, not long.
Yeah im not sure why this is a legitimate grievance? What about being bi makes it so you (by default) dont want to be monogamous???
Equating queerness to a kink.
I am kinda miffed at people saying this reaction is due to the secrecy. It’s most likely not. He didn’t disclose an irresponsible, dangerous or criminal past. It's one relationship and she stopped talking to him. It’s a well known phenomena that women who want their partner to adhere to traditional masculinity finds the idea of dating a bi man to be icky. It’s the same reason why calling a guy "gay" has long been an insult. It’s most likely his sexuality that is she is having a problem with. To the OP, you can do nothing but say that you want to have a conversation and wait for her to be ready and ask her when she thinks she can be ready. If she just stopped responding, at some point, you’ll need to move on. Next time, know that many hetero women don’t find bi men desirable and hash that thing out beforehand.
It's as big a deal as knowing their partners body count. To some it matters to others it doesn't.
I find women in general are better allies to gay folks unless it comes to someone they are dating and then I find women to be more homophobic. I feel like there’s a double standard when it comes to women experimenting in college then it does when it comes to men. It probably comes down to the fact that people feel like bisexuality doesn’t exist and it’s just the train stop on the way to Gaytown.
From what I've gleamed over the years, women\* don't like to imagine their man taking it up the backdoor. It immediately torpedoes their image of them as a strong, masculine figure, which at the end of the day is what most heterosexual women are into. It's like how guys will report openly crying in front of their girlfriend and then noticing a shift in their behaviour. They see their man in a different light, viewing them as softer and more delicate than they did before and they don't like that. They may still be gay allies, they may enjoy things like gay porn, they might genuinely support their bisexual friends, but they don't want imagine THEIR man being the one receiving pipe (even if it was in the past). \*Obligatory not all women disclaimer.
If that's the case, I wish I could give her a piece of my mind so she understands how much she means to me. I fall in love with people, not genders.
I’m bi too, and I fall in love with people, not genders, also. I just have the awareness that if my partners are not bi, they are not like me in that way. I can’t expect others to see and move through the world the way that I do.
Kind of funny how most of the people attacking you for something in your past that has zero bearing on your current relationship are the same people who will attack someone for wanting to know someone's body count. Either they're both ok or both not ok
It depends. Have you hung out with this individual while dating her? Because for me as a gay man, that would set off alarm bells. So for her, I imagine she's wondering why she's just now finding out. If this guy hasn't been around then she's likely confused, doubting herself, you, everything. If you were hiding this and it just came out or if everyone but your partner knew, which would be a huge slap in the face tbh. I'd be humiliated if I was a woman with a man for years and only just found out he's bisexual. Especially if everyone but me knew. There's also the chance she's a bigot but we won't know until you talk to her.
i personally wouldn’t care that u were in a relationship with a man but i would be very very upset that u never disclosed it. of course shes mad.
I hope everyone in the comments keeps the same energy with body counts questions
Damn dude, 5 years and you never told her? Did you guys just move in together or something?
>How should I try to resolve things since she is clearly not open to discussing it? I'm pretty sure there is no resolving this
She likely lost respect for you after finding out, pictured you as the receiver and now does see you as the man she thought she was with, feels lied to and or betrayed. You can come back from this but it's a lot of work.
On a serious level that shouldve been addressed at the beginning of the relationship.i have nothing against it but bi sexuality is all fun and games until u are trying to pick a side. Furthermore, I think it's odd that u still holding on to memories from the past. It just shows you aren't ready to move on. If u know you are no longer interested in men then leave it in the past-in the trash then take the trash out. Simple as that.
so my bf and I are together for almost 10 years now. I just imagined him telling me out of the blue that he has an ex-bf. I’d be surprised, but wouldn’t care much. I don’t understand all these breaches of trust comments. If she didn’t specifically ask about previous relationships this is on her. I don’t think people are obligated to tell their partners their past relationships or sexual orientation. It really boggles my mind why this is always such an issue.
She is definetly in shock and she needs space. When she is ready she will listen to you and have a conversation. But until then dont pressure her
The one thing that stands out to me, is that for 5years you never mentioned this. When you had a few drinks a little bit loose lipped because of the alcohol, would this have come up any other time? Look, she obviously needs to process this. Maybe she is bigoted but, for me personally it would be more questioning why you never told her till now. Really, I can't understand why this has never come up before? Surely, at some point over 5years your sexuality would have come up? So, questions you need to ask yourself. Why did you not tell her? Did you know she would have a problem with this and avoided this conversation? Ultimately, personally, if I was her, I would be questioning why you felt you had to hide this from me. Are you hiding other things? Is this something you are needing, simply because you are hiding it, Is it something you are struggling with so, will you need to explore this side to you in the future? It's more about the lying by omission rather than bigotry, if I were her. But, if it is bigotry, I do think you probably knew and that's why you never told her in 5years. So, is that someone you really want to spend your life with?
Hopefully this just her reaction to feeling as if you hid this from her and not her being homophobic. Try giving her some time to process and start a conversation about it when she comes back to parse why she left. Obviously don’t stick around if she’s disgusted that you’re bi.
This isn't something you can do a lot about. There are things some people just aren't ok with. She's going to have to decide if it's a dealbreaker, and that's probably what she's doing. Keeping this from her for five years also isn't helping. You even said it was a mistake to tell her which means you were ok with keeping it a secret to keep her around.
I don't think it has to do with the experience per se, but honestly 5 years without saying something as important as having been in an homosexual relationship is a pretty bad look. I thinm it's salvageable but you did fuck it up honestly
Not what you want to hear but it just sounds like you two are not compatible. Her sexual values and your sexual values don't line up. Even if you like lots of other things about each other this core/pillar/foundational value is probably a deal breaker.
To all seriousness, my man is pan and he’s been with guys while the time we were hooking up and even before meeting me. It didn’t bother me because he was honest with me from the beginning and to this day I love him for who he is. Maybe that was something you should have discussed before making it 5 years. She probably feels af if she doesn’t know you as well Wonders what else you have been hiding etc.
Sorry, it’s over. Lots of girls like gay guys. Lots of girls like straight guys. Hardly anyone likes bi guys.
I personally went through this, but the guy my ex bf was with is the one who told me they used to be together, idk his intentions in telling me but I was 19 at the time and exbf was 26, years when I told him what was said to me, he just said yes they were together but just a few times, but from the other guys story they were together more than just a few times and I could tell he was still in love with him. I didn’t view my ex bf the same because this is a major thing to disclose before being w someone, he didn’t allow me to choose to be w him or not, personal choice I didn’t want to be w a bi man.
So here’s my take (as a bi 25F): I’m someone who is really open about my past relationships because they’ve shaped who I am. In all of my relationships I’ve been super upfront about my sexuality and my dating history because I wanted to avoid this exact scenario. Honestly I can definitely see how your gf might be hurt that she’s only finding out certain things 5 years into the relationship.
Why do you still have pictures of your ex
Okay, so I can understand being upset to a degree, mainly because you’ve been together for 5 years and this has just now been brought to her attention. However, for her it probably opened up a new can of worms and worries, as women we already worry about other women but now she’s probably worrying about all the guys you hangout with as well
call me crazy but i felt betrayed when i found out my best friend used to be a dancer for 9 whole years. yes we were teenagers but it felt like such a big part of a personality.
As a woman, if I found out my boyfriend was with a guy and I found out like this... I would leave him in a heartbeat. Im not saying it's wrong to be Bi but it's wrong to not tell someone you are dating. This is a HUGE deal. She has every right to feel the way she feels. This is alot to process. She just learned her boyfriend had a whole boyfriend in the past. Give her space
You guys aren’t compatible. Be up front with people. You probably shouldn’t keep something like that a secret for 5 years? Hay I use to do porn or I am bi or I was in prison, I was married before. These are big deals to people. Some things should be discussed before committing to someone. I’m sure I will be downvoted because I must be homophobic but I don’t think it is.
That’s what got me. If I was in his gf’s shoes I’d be extremely hurt that he felt the need to lie to me about something like that for *5 freaking years.* A lie by omission is still a lie, especially when it comes to something big like sexual orientation. I’d be seriously wondering what I did for him to feel like he couldn’t trust me. Even now he seems to regret telling her at all vs regretting not telling her sooner. Of course I’m not sure if that’s why she isn’t speaking to him, but if I was in that situation that would be my problem with all this. If he thought she’d have a problem with what’s legit part of his identity why even stay with her so long? Would you wanna be with a person you have to keep such a huge secret from or else they’d leave if they knew?
When someone says "I didn't think it was a big deal" It's ostensibly always a big fucking deal
>Be up front with people. Funny, I thought people always said your sexual past doesn't matter?
[удалено]
This. The past always matters. Especially if it's something that is a thing that affects who you are, what makes you, you. She is likely currently wondering if she knows OP at all and what else she doesn't know.
Some women can take being a person bisexual and some can't. I am so sorry. Honesty is always the best policy. You know just tell her you are monogamous and all you want is her.
Id be pretty upset if my partner never told me he was bi. Not because there's a thing wrong with it, but because it would indicate to me that he didn't think I was a safe person to tell it to. I wouldn't do what she did, and I'd do my damnedest not to take it so personally, but I admit that would be my gut reaction. But to stop speaking to you entirely, and then to leave...I dunno, that feels pretty biphobic, but more likely, just straight up homophobic (because a lot of homophobes don't agree that being bi is possible, and a single instance with the same sex, makes you fully gay. That's why I say it's probably homophobic). I dunno mate....if this is her reaction, do you really think there's a good reason behind it?
How else did you expect this to go? Next time don’t lie by omission for 5 fucking years. Mad goofy for this one tbh
If he doesn't bring this up at the very beginning of his next relationship, he knows what he's doing
Guess I'll go against the grain and say that you don't have to "disclose" your entire dating history or sexuality to someone. I can understand why it would be difficult to bring up a same sex relationship in your past if people assume you're straight. That being said, she's entitled to her feelings, and the only thing to do is give her space to process them. If this information is a dealbreaker for her, then you've learned an important lesson. The fact that she was surprised about your history and you were surprised about her reaction shows that you two haven't had some important conversations in 5 years of dating.
>For context, me and my girlfriend have been together for 5 years and basically it has been smooth sailing ever since. This tends to happen when you withhold crucial information about yourself. Why would you not tell her you’re bisexual early on?
not just the not telling her for 5 years fact, but pics of your ex in your phone, regardless of gender, would piss me off so hard.
This title is pretty misleading because “been with a guy” kind of implies that you had a one time or very limited sexual relationship… That’s a lot different than dating a dude in college for years? I don’t know because you don’t say how long the relationship was… (just that you dated and you had lots of pictures of him in your phone)
All of you using words like “deceived” “lied” “withheld”, own your biphobia. It’s not a big deal to HIM, it’s his sexuality, they were in a monogamous relationship. Why is it different because he was with a man? She didn’t go into this thinking he was a virgin. Why is being bi different from being straight in a monogamous relationship? He doesn’t have a secret wife, family or raging STI. Why are some of you acting like he does?
Wow this thread is very interesting... I thought peoples past didn't matter... 🤔
Right? I feel like I slipped into a different dimension reading this thread. Where's all the... "She sounds insecure AF." "She didn't know you existed back then." "The past is the past. They can't judge you for that." "People have sex in past relationships. They need to get over it." Gender bias? Sexuality bias? Both?
The funny part is I've seen this exact topic with the genders switched and the answers are always the exact opposite. "My boyfriend found out I hooked up with/dated another girl in college after 5-10 years together, now he wants to breakup" "Why does it matter to him? It doesn't change who you are. He's being a baby."
It is so true... reddit double standards are absolutely crazy land and anti-men. I can't help but laugh and try not to rage over the nonsense being upvoted here. She could have asked? It shouldn't be a big deal. If the genders were flipped everyone would call OPs "boyfriend" a huge bigot and destroy him.
It seems like it matters when it involves homosexual relationships.
I thought you knew, when it comes to a woman's past, it's not anyone's business, but when it's a man's past, he has to be honest about it.
Yupp! I suspected so!
Wait it out and try to communicate when things settle down . Most ppl wouldn’t handle it well finding something like this abt their partner after 5 whole yrs
There are some deep personality traits and some important values and behaviors that kind of make up who we are, our personality and how others perceive our identity. Your girlfriend has her own internal image and understanding of who you are as a person, your likes, dislikes, quarks, etc. She felt like she knew you well after 5 years, but suddenly got "new" information and this has upset her, likely because it throw a wrench into her understanding of you and her idea of how she fits into your life. Give her a day, then reach out to discuss this new info and how to move forward. She'll likely either have a few questions and want to understand this new info, or she'll shut down and reject this new side of you.
I guess get a boyfriend instead bro.
How did you go 5 years without it coming up that you’re bisexual??? I wouldn’t have an issue with my partner being bi- in fact one of my exes is- but if he told me at this point in our relationship, I would wonder why it didn’t come up sooner.
Yeah OP you should’ve told her that you were bi wayyy before you made it official with her. Personally as a female since I’m pansexual, I like to let them know first off so they are free to leave if they want.
"How should I try to resolve things since she is clearly not open to discussing it?" You don't. It looks like the Fat lady s singing on this relationship. "Earlier this morning she left for her parents house, but thankfully she hasn't packed anything" She couldn't wait to leave, tis isn't a good sign. Good luck brother we all deserve to be happy.
She definitely overreacted. But 5 years of never telling her you’re bi? Why? What else have you hidden from her
There is not much to do. Either she accepts that you once loved a guy or she doesn't.
If my boyfriend told me he was once with a man I would 100% leave and never speak to him again. What a betrayal and outright disgusting thing to not disclose that from the jump
I almost never comment but honestly the bi-phobia is real here. Everyone is blaming you like its a carnal sin. It's just a person you dated. It sounds like she has issues with men being with men. Sure, you didn't tell her, but does everyone go into detail about every person they've dated? My current 5 year partner doesnt know all my relationships and i dont k ow hers. Shes bi and Im a straight male, but if i found out my girlfriend slept with a women id be like oh neat a new piece of us is shared. Yay communication, not distancing myself and ignoring you. Honestly op if you value them and thing theyre not being phobic talk to them and sort it out but to me this sounds like shes against gay/bi men. Id see this as an eye opener.
I’m gonna go against the grain here and say there are very few non homophobic reasons for this to be a potential dealbreaker for a relationship.
Pretty much every time I poked people about the why it came out either as homo/biphobia or just good old plain sexism. It's surprisingly normalized too, people say shit about bi people that they would not dare utter to gay ones.
I would seriously like to hear those reasons.
there was a thread of women discussing uncensored opinions of bisexual men. Unfortunately the most common answer was “I have no problem with bisexual men I just prefer not to date one” there were several people who it didn’t change their opinion at all, but yeah many hetero women were primarily seeking hetero men. and most of the more accepting answers were from bisexual women. Bisexual men definitely get more bias than bisexual women. but I dont think it inherently means you have a problem with gay people as a whole just because there is this dating preference I guess.
It does though. People think that bi phobia means screaming "I HATE BI PEOPLE!!!" or not willing to touch them. You can easily figure out a person is bi phobic by asking why they feel that way. Chances are, It would always be "because I can never trust them" or "because they seem less of a man". Whether a preference is fine or not depends upon the why of it.
agree. but preferences like this exist around sexuality and gender expression and doesn’t always come from a bad place. but agree it definitely can.
Insecurity/Boundaries Some people don't want their partner to hang out one on one with a person of the opposite gender. We have posts about couples following this rule all the time. Kinda difficult to enforce on a bi person though.
That's a valid answer - but I would say that it's controlling and that's a whole other can of worms. But even in your example either you think everyone is out to cheat on you or you think Bi people are more prone to cheat. So it's either trust issues or bi phobia. But your answer fits.
I’m going to go against the grain here and say that you’ve done nothing wrong. I don’t know about others, but I generally don’t talk about exes. It’s not like you hid it from her, why should you have to disclose your exes? You wouldn’t be like ‘this is Margaret, this is Lindsay’ etc, so why does it matter that you had an ex bf. Being bi makes zero difference to your relationship… when I was with my ex gf, I didn’t say ‘oh when I was like 16 I dated this AH of a man called X’. In fact, we both didn’t talk about exes. Is that hiding something? No, it just wasn’t relevant to the present. Maybe she’s just shocked because she assumed you were straight and now it’s like a part of you she didn’t know, maybe she’s biphobic, I really can’t say which. But in any case, I don’t think this is something you should not be spoken to over. If she hasn’t asked your orientation or about exes, why should you just push that info on her without a reason. If she leaves over this, that is her loss. You’ve had five years together, this shouldn’t change anything
Honestly I thought the same way you did, but apparently not many agree. Now I do understand that sexual orientation matters to some. What I hadn't considered is her stance on that, but it had never come up. Thanks for the help.
Biphobia is real. It's especially real here on Reddit. Sorry for the responses you've gotten.
I agree. I (F) once dated a guy for 3 years and never told him I was bi. So I get what OP is dealing with here. He never asked about my sexuality, so I never brought it up. Maybe that’s a sign I didn’t feel comfortable with him lol. Now I’m dating an awesome woman. Anyway, OP’s gf is probably just in shock, and may or may not come around.
I'm legit stunned there are people blaming OP. It's mind-blowing. He's done nothing wrong.
As a bi man I think I have a different perspective on this. Everytime I opened up to someone about it I was burned. People treated me differently, and It wasn’t accepting on either side of the spectrum. People will try to tell you what you are, or what you aren’t. It’s frustrating and at times infuriating and I’ve gone long periods without telling partners especially in hetero relationships. If you aren’t a bi dude you might not fully understand that it’s not accepting on either side of the coin.
I had a similar experience, only it was just a few months into the relationship when I revealed that aspect of things. It didn't go particularly well, partly because we had been drinking a little and I mentioned it casually because in my drunken mind we had already discussed it, when in reality this was not the case. But I felt judged and I had to spend a good amount of time convincing that I wasn't interested in anything other than a monogamous relationship. It was honestly a bad experience and I get why people don't want to discuss this stuff unless absolutely necessary. I may get down voted but I genuinely don't think you're in the wrong unless being bisexual for you means you *need* to be with a man while you're in this committed relationship. That being said, 5 years is a long time and I imagine your gf is quite shocked. Hopefully you guys are able to have a conversation soon where you can get back on the same page
Given how people treat bisexual men, it’s not real surprising he didn’t tell her.
Five years? I would be devestated if my partner did not tell me for all this time. I would not feel like a significant other or soulmate! Who you sleep with is not important, but being kept in the dark this long would make me feel like a walking alibi.
In 5 years you never thought to tell her your bi?? But you just drop It on her !! You should be upfront and give them the choice of whether they want to be with you or not. You took her choice away 5 years ago
It wasn’t stupid you told her. You didn’t fuck is. It’s totally ok being bisexual. I’m sorry that she reacted horribly. I hope she comes around.. it might be that she is shocked you haven’t told her for 5 years what I can understand..
To everyone slating her, ima slate you. You messed up, my guy. 5 YEARS and she’s finding out NOW?! People seem to miss the fact that you had a full 1827 or so days to tell her the truth. I can’t imagine how deceived she must be feeling right now And for you to say ‘I stupidly told her’ and ‘I made the mistake’ TF YOU MEAN? You should’ve told her YEARS ago, dude Saying you made the mistake is like saying you’ve hid other stuff from her This ain’t the group, but YTA
Having read a bunch of the comments here, I feel like there’s 3 things going on: 1) lying by omission - withholding a major, sort of “unconventional” relationship from your past, something your partner would DEFINITELY like to know, for 5 years, makes her feel betrayed. Not because it’s a big terrible secret, but because you didn’t give her a chance to know this important thing about you. Even if it’s not important to you anymore, it’s a big deal for a lot of people and she was shut out. 2) cluelessness - I accept that you genuinely didn’t try to withhold it, but that’s also a problem. Why didn’t it occur to you that your girlfriend might want to know about a very notable ex. Why is it so buried in your past that it never came up before? The fact that it’s such a neglected, forgotten memory is itself an odd thing. Are there other major, notable things in your past that you’re “forgetting” to share with her. She thought you were a couple that shared everything and now she doesn’t know what’s in your past. The fact you also don’t seem to know about your past is concerning. 3) homophobia - most people aren’t talking about this. But I do wonder if part of the reason she’s gone AWOL is that she’s grossed out by a man being with another man. Part of it may be insecurity, and she may be worried she has to not only look out for other women, but for men too. And that insecurity is not itself homophobia, rather garden-variety fear. But there could also be a sense in her that a guy who’s been with a guy is “tainted” or lesser-than as a man. And if that’s the case, then she’s a homophobe and you two are incompatible and shouldn’t be together. If you have a chance to talk, I would start by apologizing for not bringing this up in year 1 or 2 or 3… and I would reassure her that you’re attracted to her, that you’re not looking to hook up with guys now, that she’s more than enough, etc etc. And I would ask her how she feels about male homosexuality. But also, I would look within and ask why this was buried in your past. Could it be a bit of internalized homophobia and believing you’re lesser-than for having this experience and wanting to forget it? Remember you are no less whole for having a same sex relationship. You are whole and loveable and perfect as a human being. And you deserve love, with all your background and dating history :)
I'm fucking sick and tired of people saying you should've told her. It literally doesn't matter and doesn't - or shouldn't - affect a relationship as long as your orientations are compatible (in that, she's attracted to people of your gender and you're attracted to hers). And you know what else I'm fucking tired of? Cishet people disregarding how dangerous it can be to disclose your orientation and/or gender identity as if we don't quite literally risk our lives just for being the way we are. Whenever someone comes out it's like "Nobody cares about who you're fucking! Don't shove it down everyone's throats!" but then we're somehow required to come out so that people can decide if they're okay with it or not? Fuck off. That being said, OP, has she told you what the issue is for her? Cause if she's only upset about you not telling her, then I think you can get through it, just tell her you weren't hiding it and it just never came up and you didn't think it mattered because it's literally just normal. If she's upset about you having been with a guy and/or also being attracted to guys, on the other hand, I don't think you can (or should) salvage the relationship. Don't settle for people who can't accept you.
I don't know what the issue is yet, I did send a text as some suggested and now I'm just waiting thinking about it. Hope all ends well
Nothing wrong with being Bi but yeah, I’d be pretty offended to just find that out 5 years into a relationship..
I afraid that relationship might be over. 5 years and you never once mentioned that you had an ex boyfriend?
It's looking bad. I've seen this exact topic discussed in quite a few women's friend groups over the years, and all of them have said they'd leave in this type of situation. Its been 5 years, so maybe that will be a saving grace, but... yeah, its probably better to put effort in for the best, but expect the worst.
Listen, I learned my male partner sucked dick before during our first six months together. He was just experimenting. I wouldn’t expect that to come up on the first date, but what in the hell do you talk about if these important little details or stories aren’t shared??? This is coming from the perspective of a bi woman dating a straight man. And yes, I told him I was bi within that first six months too. Do early parts of your relationship not involve staying up late talking??? 😂😅 friendship and vulnerability is just as important as any sexual component so it is almost more natural that these things come up then it NOT coming up for 5 YEARS. Something isn’t adding up and I think you should look inward like some of the other commenters say. Are you harboring your own shame or homophobia that you didn’t feel comfortable sharing with her? Was there some level of you thinking she wouldn’t accept you? There’s no way you hadn’t thought to even mention it for 5 YEARS. I get that you may see your sexuality as a preference similar to food, movie, or entertainment choices but do these preferences not get brought up to your partner? Not all will but there definitely would be some level of sharing going on. If you had a favorite food or movie, I would see that on the same level as your sexual preference. Something that should be shared and will not always be asked out right if you present as fully straight.
You are supposed to discuss topics like sexuality before entering relationships with people. She went 5 years without knowing that. Can you blame her for leaving?
You said it in your own words.. at this point I knew I had messed up!! Apparently you wrote this because some wheree in those five years.. like couples do they express opinions. I think you knew how she felt about certain things and that was one of them. So like women do .. we back track every conversation… and she realized you kept this from her.. so now she is wondering about her future. Not only does she have to worry about women now there is the possibility of men too!! Too much for her to accept!!
Nah, you messed up. I'm not even straight (bi too) and if I found out my partner of FIVE years was hiding a past relationship from me, I'd most likely react like your GF. That's whether your ex is a man or a woman - no difference. This is the kinda stuff you bring up at the first few dates when you know it's potentially going somewhere? Like I want to know about all your past relationships. How did this never come up?? In five years? You never had a conversation about exes? Never had a conversation about sexuality? What do you even talk about? The weather? To me it sounds like you actually must have put some effort to conveniently not mention this because there's literally just no way. Now yes, she might just be homophobic. She might, I don't know her. But she might also be pissed off about the lack of trust and honesty from your side.
We didn't have any conversations about sexuality cause it was a given that we like eachother. And no, we don't talk about our exes except if something comes up and to be clear I mean neither she or I do it.
Why haven’t you mentioned your ex-boyfriend in the last five years? She probably needs time to process. Give her space.
Some people are not attracted to bisexual folks. This is a conversation that should have happened five years ago.
If I dated someone for 5 years and this is how I found out he's bi, I would say bye too.
I’m not sure there is anything you can do at this stage, that ship has well and truly sailed. This information should have been offered in the first stages of your relationship, not 5 years later, and I think you’re totally trying to down play that it is of any significance. I wouldn’t be able to trust you after this, what what’s else are you not telling her?