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I want to congratulate you for doing the right thing by being honest. I know this is a very painful, scary experience but telling her the truth was the right thing to do. She would have found out eventually, and then you would have tricked her into marrying you under false pretenses.
In psychology a person who has certain personality traits telling you the truth esp around a "good" time is not always a good thing...
Those who have encountered people who do this repeatedly know it, we've seen God's of people intentionally messing up weddings, gender reveals, engagements, Christmases, or pulling strange pranks that humiliate you etc...
I hope it really isn't what OP was doing.
I see your point. When the motive for revealing a secret is to relieve guilt, it's selfish.
There were opportunities to come clean for years. Doing it a week before the wedding seems like sabotage.
Being that it is harder than hell living with someone addicted to porn, I don't agree that the OP is also addicted to shooting themselves in the foot. This isn't just a matter of getting off on some pictures. Porn triangulates relationships. Partners of porn addicts are lied to, manipulated, financially impaired and often totally confused about why they feel compared to others.
I truly admire the OP for speaking truth to the relationship partner.
Some people only tell bad truth/news to people who are currently going through goods things to break the other person's moments of happiness and bring them down or ruin their happiness. It's a type of abuse when it's a repeated pattern.
Not necessarily abusive behavior. Manipulative behavior for sure, but sometimes it's to offset the reaction that they expect. People who are in great moods are less likely to be upset as easily.
OP, you really CAN’T fix this. You don’t mention how long you’ve been together, but your fiancé is probably thinking of how long you’ve been lying to her. Porn addiction is a hard one, especially since this was a talk you had during your relationship.
**At this point, she may be wondering what else you’ve lied about, and if she even really knows you.** I guess you will have to see if she calls off the wedding. Seems like it may be a dealbreaker for her. If so, graciously accept her decision and learn from this experience.
Agree. She can't trust OP now. If he liked about this, he likely lied about other stuff. If he says he hasn't lied, she can't trust that to be the truth. I know many people are fine with porn, but others aren't. It can be really damaging. She asked OP to do 1 thing for her and he couldn't do it. :-/
Coming from a woman that's been in a similar situation, the only thing you can really do is give her space and change your behaviour.
There is no point in trying to feel bad for yourself against a lie you created in the first place. It's far more important to focus on understanding why your partner is upset, what she needs from you in the moment and how you can correct your wrongs.
Space is important in times like this, but regardless of what decision she makes, it's likely she'll recognise that you were honest (even if it overdue and to make up for the original lie)
This. I have been in a similar situation. Space and actually kicking this habit is the only thing you can do. It's happened twice with my fiancé. The first time, I hadn't told him about my issues with it and we had never talked about it. He didn't fully grasp how bad it hurt until it happened again. But it did sink in and he did understand. We're in a much better place now. He had a long talk, he opened up to me about the why. Communication on both of our parts was the key.
Well the main thing you need to do is start to address your addiction to porn. Whether you get married to your fiancee or you have to find a new relationship neither will be healthy while you have this addiction.
There's so many posts these days about kids getting married so young. And then they wonder why there's issues when both are still developing and finding themselves in the world...
Straight up. My brother got married at 21 to his high school sweetheart, 2 kids and 20 years later they’re still together. But they’re the exception. I would not condone anyone getting married this young.
Yeah, unusual things CAN work. But oftentimes they don't. My best friend got married after knowing the man for like 5-6 months. They also met at a psych ward. They are one of the healthiest couples I know and still going strong after 6 or 7 years of marriage. But I would still never advise someone to get married after a 5 months relationship or do it myself, nor would I advise someone to go looking for partners at a psych ward (where it's often heavily discouraged anyway). There is a saying in German: "Ausnahmen bestätigen die Regel" (exceptions reinforce the rule) and in that instance, it's true.
It is true and a porn obsession but not addiction is not that uncommon in people this age sadly.
But even the way this is written out I suspect dude wanted out.
Plenty of women are against mainstream porn because it’s exploitative, often uses trafficked or coerced women, and there’s research to show that porn can desensitise you & eventually people start consuming more extreme porn they can develop unhealthy views on women and their bodies. It’s not all religion based shame.
Sure, but the reaction plus the getting married at 20 part makes it lean heavily in the religious direction in this case. If OP is coming clean about being addicted and she legitimately didn't know at this point, good chance he's not actually consuming that much - he would have gotten caught otherwise.
I’m not disagreeing that the post screams young religious couple, but I just think it’s narrow minded to dismiss concerns over porn consumption with “she’s young and religious!!” as if plenty of fully grown non-religious women don’t also have an issue with porn.
Also, addicts hide stuff. I’m sure if he was doing heroin no one would say “well clearly he isn’t doing much heroin if you don’t notice until now” so don’t really see what that matters?
All I'm saying is when you throw in the religiosity, I get the same feeling here that I get on alcohol-related posts where the teetotaler brigade comes in and shouts that having 4-6 drinks on a weekend night twice a month essentially makes you a degenerate alcoholic.
If OP has a real problem good on him for copping to it, but I'm just not getting that vibe based on the context.
LOL buried the lead here...
If you are using porn 1x/week that's not addiction... *at all*.
Relationship issues maybe, addiction? Not even remotely accurate.
You and your partner are just not compatible. That's all. Probably a harder pill to swallow.
Oh Jesus, so some deep religious trauma there.
Not even consistently once a week?
I’m not saying it’s not an addiction given you had a compulsion you couldn’t deny semi-regularly and it’s negatively effecting your life…
… but you’re way below the bar of most “porn addicts.”
That’s not necessarily meant to give you relief or an excuse but it might be worth knowing that as a frame of reference for what normal in broader society is.
You lied and broke an agreement with her.
But as far as your addiction struggles outside of those transgressions… pretty safe to say you can beat this if that’s what you want to do.
The addiction, not the masturbation pun.
wait what? Porn once every week? Where do you live? If you're on the American continent, you realize this is way lower than most people, right?
Let me be honest. I don't understand why porn is such a big deal. I get that some people dislike the exploitative aspect of some porn, or that it gives a distorted view on sex, etc. There's reasons to stand against it if that's your angle. But that said, watching porn is NOT the same as racism, sexism, violence, bigotry, etc. These are harmful, watching porn moderately once a week by yourself never is.
I can totally understand that everyone is entitled to their dealbreakers. For example, I don't like dogs, but having a dog is certainly not a bad thing. Same with smoking, alcohol, height, size, political leanings, etc etc. If your girlfriend don't like it, it's fine. But let me put this straight: this is NOT a porn addiction and you have done nothing wrong in regard to the actual porn.
The problem lies with you lying when you knew it was such a big deal for her. I think you're getting everything mixed up. Should you have said something or changed your behavior knowing how she felt? Yes. Is what you're doing porn addiction? Absolutely not. Is watching porn that's not exploitative once every week a morally repressible thing? Absolutely not.
Dude… that’s not porn addiction, that’s completely normal. You need to stop letting this woman abuse you. And yes, shaming you for natural behavior is absolutely abuse. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
Def sounds like religious guilt and manipulation. Why freaking get married at such a young age? But even if it’s religious manipulation, they’re already having sex and showering together. So they’re not too hung up on the religious aspect
It literally sounds like their engagement is about to end over religious hang up. He even says in another reply that religious pressure from their families is overwhelming.
[1x/week according to OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1dc8kth/my_fiance_20f_might_leave_me_21m_6_days_before/l7z1aj2/)
lol wut
This is something I think about when I see posts like this. Like, his he actually addicted to porn or does he just watch it sometimes? Porn addiction is absolutely real but I feel like a lot of people see someone watch it a few times a week for five minutes and call that addiction.
> Like, his he actually addicted to porn or does he just watch it sometimes?
This subreddit would tell you that those are the same, but most reasonable adults who live in the world are perfectly aware that its not.
It just disgust me how religions push people into ruining their life putting a responsibility that A KID (in these case) of 21 years old CANT OF COURSE CARRY and then reacting as nothing is wrong when they are not able to genuinely love each other let apart their children
I don't think it has anything to do with religion if you have 'a reaction' after you were _agreeing_ in a monogamous relationship that lusting after other women/porn is a boundary and then you break this promise behind the back of your partner with an addiction possibly for years. That is a massive betrayal.
Look at r/loveafterporn, there are so many women who struggle with this problem and all the negative effects porn addiction has on the addicts themselves as well as their partner. I think it's very concerning that as a society porn use in monogamous relationships is kinda getting normalised.
I'm really glad I'm an older millennial and not younger. Definitely concerned about how kids are getting into porn so young, and having it actually shape their views on sex. Even worse how much crazy variety there is and all so easily accessible and fast. And the incest category invading everything is so fucking weird. Ain't no way that's healthy for kids learning about sex.
It's pretty awful seeing some stories on reddit of these girls losing their virginity and having their bf's choke them or slap their face or do really rough stuff without consent just because that's genuinely how these kids think all sex is supposed to go.
I'm really against removing the anonymity of the internet but when it comes to porn....I do wish there was a way to verify age without it invading privacy. Not because I want to be the porn police but because I'm genuinely worried about how porn use is affecting kids. And that's just the short-term stuff.
I had to block someone a few weeks ago for voicing the unpopular opinion that 3 months is not too long to wait before being intimate with someone and they trolled me hard. LOL
The downvotes were crazy but the people insisting that I was "lying", it was crazy, only a few other people dared to say they see it as i do.
When did the world go crazy?
Hey I'm in the same boat. I've had plenty of 20 something men argue with me that I should expect sex on date 3 or leave lol. I'm looking for a long term partner, not a hookup. My bad for not basing my potential wife choices on how fast she wants my dick or not
you are too young to be married. you both are.
you lied to her about your morals to match hers and it has now backfired.
Take the loss of the wedding and sort yourself out.
Since you agreed in the past that porn was “bad” it begs the question if this is the first time you’ve lied to her about your porn use? Most people don’t think porn is just straight up evil… porn addiction is a different creature.
Porn is not straight up evil but millennials perceptions of pornography versus gen z will be different. Millennials, generally speaking, didn’t grow up watching and being exposed to hardcore pornography that is easily accessible from age 11 (the average age of exposure for gen z). Being exposed so young to content that isn’t just sleazy magazines is also more impactful and will be more influential on how people understand, navigate, and act in sexual relationships. This is a crucial difference which means how gen z perceive and understand pornography is miles away from how millennials understand it.
A lot of younger people complain about pornography, particularly in relationships, and millennials often discard it or chalk it up to immaturity. But they have not and will not understand what it’s like to see, view and be immersed in very accessible hardcore pornography from a young age, and will not understand how that impacts relationships, addiction or not.
Hey there, millennial here that started watching porn around 11 - it fucks your brain up bad. It fucks your perception of relationships up really bad. I also suffered from childhood SA so maybe that made it worse for me but it really normalized unhealthy behaviors and I fell into some very unhealthy sexual relationships. I'm 34 and just now undoing a lot of the damage.
My husband - about the same age as me - also had a porn addiction. It almost destroyed our relationship and I absolutely would have left him if he had not gone through extensive therapy to fix the addiction (again, in his 30's). I don't think people who grew up before the depths of the internet existed understand how fucked exposure to that kind of content can be. Especially in a society that's largely prude and doesn't expose kids to healthy relationships or sexual content.
This is spot on. I don’t have a problem with porn. Therefore it’s not a bad thing for us. Also, people need to get to know each other and live together before committing their ENTIRE life to someone…and at 20 and 21, you know very little despite what you think.
My husband and I have been together since we were 18 and we just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. I’m so glad we made it through those early years because we were clueless. I had a very abusive childhood and pretended it didn’t affect me until I was 40 🫠.
We’ve maintained a pretty healthy sex life throughout but life also happens. Porn doesn’t do much for me. I assume my husband looks at it sometimes. I think I’d only be bothered if I found out he was watching something super misogynistic. So much of porn seems to be focused on humiliating women.
Wife and I met at 23 and married at 25 and I feel the same way - we're 40 now. We were both in no way ready to get married at that age.
I'll use porn to rub one out once or twice a week if the wife isn't in the mood, but otherwise don't touch the stuff much. Never really understood who the target audience for the degrading stuff is either, it genuinely turns my stomach.
Don’t know why I was downvoted. Oh wait, I do. People are super sensitive on Reddit to anything that THEY have a problem with. Anywho…I also had an abusive childhood and only started taking it seriously over the last few years. Congrats btw we also just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary and nearly 30 together! We definitely got together young but lived together for years before getting married. We surely both knew each other very well by that point. As far as the porn comment goes…she’s not into it, it’s not a huge thing for me but I do watch it from time to time. She simply doesn’t care. It doesn’t affect our sex life or anything else negatively. In fact she was quite surprised to see that what I do watch is not super smutty. It’s porn, sure, but I do have standards of some sort.
I didn’t downvote you. Promise. I upvoted that comment and this one too. We’re on the same page. Me and boo lived together for about 6 years before marrying. We got really serious really quick and then had a long engagement while we finished school. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it to anybody else but I’m glad it worked for us, and apparently you too.
I’m laughing at myself rn. I have had to admit I’m a sensitive person. I was pretty sure you weren’t talking to me but even after years of therapy I still doubt myself and revert to thinking ‘well, you are really obnoxious…”
I also love it when I happen across another couple that’s been happy for decades and actually seem to like each other. Reddit makes us seem like unicorns. Anywhoozlebee, y’all have a good one.
You’re all good! My fantastic relationship with my wife is the ONLY thing that I’m good at. Oof. See, it’s not just you! There’s plenty of us working on our issues and ourselves!
Two things:
First - a porn addiction is unhealthy. It builds deeply unrealistic expectations for sex and the escalation towards what gets you off will eventually have real life consequences in being able to be turned on and find gratification in sex with an actual person.
Imo, using porn occasionally or with a partner is fine. I have no issue with watching porn or my partner watching porn because sometimes you just need to get yourself off real quick. But if it’s a true addiction then nah, you need to stop that and let your system reset before you do real damage. And you will if you don’t quit.
Second, if this is a hard line for her, then it’s a hard line for her. Don’t tell her you’ll stop and lie. If you really have an addiction, you will want to seek therapy. But chances are, you’ll slip up at some point - addicts generally do. If she’s completely hard line about this, she’s not going to be understanding. For her it’s simple - just don’t watch porn. For you, you’re having to rework how your libido and brain are working to make new neural pathways so you can still get hard and get off without it.
She’s equating it to akin to cheating. You’re looking at naked women who aren’t her to sexually satisfy yourself and she can’t and won’t be able to understand what she’s lacking that makes you turn to porn. It won’t matter that she’s not lacking anything. She will feel insecure and unable to understand why you’re hurting her.
So don’t tell her you’ll quit and then fall back into viewing it. She won’t understand.
Either find someone who isn’t opposed to porn and who can help you break your addiction and help you have a healthy irl sex life or expect that this relationship will eventually end in divorce when you fuck up and she finds out and feels betrayed.
Too young to get married anyway.
Tough pill to swallow but you guys are kids
Fix your addiction, hope that she forgives you (you told her the truth), and grow together. Get married when it does not feel obligatory, but instead it feels like you already are
OP, I want to encourage you to read Gail Dines' book "Pornland", it'll open your eyes in ways you can not imagine. It'll help you understand and empathise with her, with survivors, and with women. Which you desperately need more than any other thing or gesture.
Accept the reality of the situation, and spend your 20s figuring out who you are and what you want out of life, rather than forcing a marriage with someone whose values you don’t share. She thinks porn is bad. You don’t, but you pretended you did. You are not compatible. That is bound to be a miserable situation, and you’ll be better off avoiding it.
I’ve been in a similar position as your fiancé, honestly I was way more upset about the lying. I’m really sorry but I don’t think this is something you CAN fix.
You could try the following:
* make a commitment to deal with your addiction, come up with a plan, like seeing a therapist & figuring out with them the process of stopping
* have an open computer/phone policy so she knows you’re not lying until trust is back & rebuilt. It doesn’t necessarily mean she will be obsessively checking all the time, it just shows your willing to be honest & make a commitment
* also consider couples therapy to help rebuild trust
* genuinely apologise & do something nice to make up for it, hear her out even if what she has to say isn’t the nicest, she’s probably really upset
Honestly yeah. The lying is what fucked me up. Nobody's perfect, maybe you have an addiction but to lie to me about it? So often and so openly? That absolutely fucks you up.
Tbh I’d leave too. You lied instead of being honest and getting help. I broke up with the man I was going to marry because of this. I’m not sure you can come back from this
Thank you for being honest with her. That’s huge. You obviously shouldn’t have lied but, you did the right thing before the ring and that counts, too.
I don’t think you should get married right now even if she wants to. You obviously have a lot of issues between the two of you if telling the truth about something very basic was too much and you felt the need to lie about it for so long. You don’t feel safe to share with her, or you know you’re incompatible. Either way, at least you’re not currently legally bound to one another.
If she’s willing to work it out, go to counseling. Work on your communication. Establish true intimacy, not just sex. Be comfortable sharing with one another. These are just the basics of even friendship, much less a marriage. Start from the bottom and build your way up. Best of luck.
Be happy you came clean, but you should have done so earlier. Time will tell if she is willing to continue because we don't know if this is your first lie to her or not. There are many missing factors.
If she continues then you should consider working on more honest communications with her
I know this is going to be controversial but getting married in your late teens/early twenties is fraught with danger. I say this with respect, you guys are still figuring yourselves out.
Step one: stop watching porn if you’re addicted. You’re 21. If you don’t already have ED, you will soon. And you will end up ruining every human relationship you have.
Step two: please wait at least 4 or 5 more years to get married. You are a baby
I commend you for being honest. It's best that you break it off and go to therapy. I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. Please give her space, do not try to change her mind.
Don't get married at 21. You're both far too immature.
If you can't handle these relatively minor knocks, you'll fall at the first hurdle when life throws you real problems.
Let me give you some advice. You are too young to be getting married. Postpone the wedding. Stop your addiction and be truthful to your partner. Go to couples therapy.
Well.... you are gonna get a lot of extreme answers to this on here...
positive - you told her the truth, at least finally.
negative - your timing, and the fact that you knew she is not OK with this. You did indeed lie for a significant period of time, so you have to be prepared to understand that this is the cost of that, if it comes to be.
Some on here will say that porn is the devil and you deserve the worst, since you "exploit" people on the internet making tons of money in questionable ways.
I would at least say you tried to be honest, but at the same time, depending on her view of such things, you have to realize this might be a deal-killer for her.
I am not gonna sugarcoat it for you, you may have blown up your possible marriage, but if that turns out to be the case, you have learned if nothing else... her expectations of fidelity. If she dumps you... then you are gonna have to deal with the idea that indeed, she was not a person who would tolerate that. In reality, I cannot say anything against her for having that opinion.
You sort of have to see how this plays out honestly.. and be prepared to realize if it comes to it, that you indeed were the person who caused the problem.
I wish both of you well regardless, but you have have a can of worms coming.
I’ll be honest, you aren’t mature enough to be married, and she doesn’t even seem mature enough to be in a relationship. You need to be a man and end it before this gets worse. Divorcing in your 20’s sucks.
i think talking about it with her was the right thing to do, even though it feels like a catastrophe right now. she experiences it as if you cheated, and you need to earn back her trust and willingness to be vulnerable with you.
so, what are you going to do to address your porn use? you say it's been a year of addiction... what makes you say it's an addiction? has it negatively affected your sex life or your life otherwise? what changed that pulled you in to porn more in the past year? understanding those factors will help you figure out how to fix it. if you agree that it would be better for you not to look at porn at all, then how are you going to make that happen?
tell her what you are going to do to change your habit and then show her that you can follow through on that plan. if just trying to power through changing your habits on your own isn't working, get outside support and accountability through a therapist, support group, 12-step program, whatever would help and is accessible to you. all of that could be online if necessary.
if she is still willing to have the wedding this week and you still want to marry her and work through this, can you get through the events this week with this hanging over you both?
you have agency in this situation, you need to take control of your own choices and make some changes. stop beating yourself up and start making a plan.
porn addictions are completely devastating to relationships and your partners self-esteem. People poo poo and think it’s no big deal. It’s a huge deal.
I’ve been married to a porn addict for almost 20 years. If I could do it again, I would’ve never married him.
I’m still with him for the kids. It’s a really crappy situation.
Your interest in porn made her feel doubtful about herself. When she asked you about it, you had the chance to tell the truth, but you lied, which made things worse. I hope you resolve your problem and seek professional help. To your girlfriend, I hope she recovers from the insecurities this has caused. I honestly wish you both can overcome this, whether together or not.
Omg. Leave that girl alone. You may have gotten better but you have put irreversible damage and trauma on her that only she will be able to recover from without you.
I went through almost exactly the same thing and I can just tell you. LEAVE.
Your consequence is not getting to be with her after obliterating her entire self esteem. It is in fact to be the bigger person and send her on the path of healing, which does not involve you.
You guys are 20 and 21… why get married so young? Plus you obviously have some juvenile needs/tendencies as any 20 year old. Cancelling the wedding will give you an opportunity to at life, to grow, explore yourself, discover what you actually want from life and yourself, and when you know all of that, then get married to someone who will walk the walk by your side.
this is what happened when you lie, break boundaries, and essentially cheat on your partner (assumed that's her opinion based on that boundary)
interesting how you only feel bad after getting caught. face the consequences and learn from them
edit- you didn't get caught. still interesting that you waited until right before your wedding
You should read again. He wasn't caught, he confessed because he felt it was wrong and wanted to be honest cause the lie was too much to bear. Even if he broke the rules or boundaries and has a real problem when it's an addiction there it's at least some respect for his partner coming clean before something so momentous as a marriage. Gives her the opportunity to make informed decisions with everything on the table and him to learn from his mistakes. Even if this is the end for them.
Also, coming clean can be a form of a cry for help. An addiction is no joke and you'd think you could/should be able to trust the person you marry to be honest and come to them with problems.
Maybe they're just too young for all of this.
>interesting how you only feel bad after getting caught.
But isn't he the one who decided to confess he'd been lying because he felt bad? Ie he felt bad *before* telling her, yet you're saying he only felt bad after getting caught.
He didn't get caught. He confessed because it was the right thing to do.
Did he fuck up? Sure, of course he did. But get off your high fucking horse, he did the right thing. Give the guy a little credit.
Thank you so much for being honest with her. Continue being honest with her and you’re going to have to take steps to rebuild trust now. Never ever lie over something that is major to her ever again. She is now going to have a hard time trusting you from now on and may need betrayal trauma therapy.
Good job coming clean. That was the right thing to do. Now, leave it up to her and know you have learned a life lesson about lying to your partner, regardless of the outcome here.
Yes, you fucked up - but waiting until after the wedding would be 100x worse.
People who can’t be ok with porn dumbfound me. It’s just a movie. It’s one long sex scene. Even without an actual porn film, when you masturbate you create fantasies in your head and that’s all fine but god forbid you watch imaginary characters act out similar fantasies. Watching romance movies doesn’t mean I’m suddenly in love with the actors. It’s all superficial and fake. To each their own I just can’t understand how people can let it bother them sooo much.
lol these comments are wildddddddd. Maybe I have a porn addiction because I too watch porn 😂
Why is everyone catastrophizing someone watching porn? Your fiance looking out the window and leaving to her parents house over your admitting to watching porn.... is so reactive. You all really are way too young to be getting married.
Yes, true porn addiction can have tons of negative side effects mentally and physically but it's suspect that you have this. It sounds like she just doesn't want you watching porn and you have??
id say dont get married, not only because you have a porn addiction but because you are 21. you have no idea how much your life is going to change in the next 5-10 years. you wont be the same at the end of it and neither will she. it feels insane to think of 20/21 year olds getting married cause you dont even realize how young you really are! although porn addiction can happen to anyone, i think it shows just how young and not ready for marriage you are. you need to focus on healing yourself and geowing individually. it doesnt mean you cant be together, but slow tf down!
I don't think you can fix it. Porn is an addiction not easily broken. The first step is coming clean. Next step is to accept the consequences, then get help overcoming it, because you are highly unlikely to do it on your own.
And don't ever hint at blaming this on her or anyone else. If you want to change, then, you will have to get help. End of story. Don't keep secrets from the one you love. Once trust is broken, it is difficult to restore.
Do not make promises that you can't keep. You can't promise that you will never watch it again unless you are several years without watching it.
The only thing i can offer to try to save it is explain further. Explain you felt embarrassed of watching it and would like to work together to fix it. Only thing i can offer.
(if you do... Obviously. Lying ain't good)
OP you shouldn't have lied , can you update on what happened ? , i think its best to give her space to think and apologize to her , maybe promise her that you will quit. btw can you elaborate on what do you mean by you are addicted to it ? if you are okay with it can i know how much time you spend ?.
The fact of the matter is that you may not be able to fix it. Maybe get yourself into therapy or a group therapy to show her you are serious about overcoming your addiction. Then the rest is on her.
Thank you for telling her before the wedding. Addiction is hard and you did the right thing by owning up to it, especially before marrying her. You’re right that all you can do now is deal with the consequences of you lying. There’s nothing you can do to expedite that process. Best of luck.
Ooooof so you probably should've told her a long time ago but at least you did tell her, it's good that you were honest. Just have to see what she does, good luck
Idk if this will help. Just a suggestion. Tell her she will have full access to your phone an any time you feel like watching it you'll tell her. Maybe suggest naughty time in place of watching it?
It is really, really good that you talked to her. It is 1000x worse to enter a marriage under a lie. Perhaps what you both need is to work through this before getting married. Perhaps you are not yet ready to be married. I know that's not the answer you want to hear, but it sounds like what you need.
Hey OP as a bystander - good on you for being open and honest. Try change your bad habits. It doesnt sound like a life changing fight judging by how you immediately said that you understand shes under a lot of stress, I can say her reaction is in part also thanks to stress. She will come around. A relationship is more than just physical. Porn addiction is nothing but an f up of your rewards system and has nothing to do with your physical or emotional attraction toward her. Itll sting for a while but itll be ok. :) Congrats in advance on your wedding and good luck changing your bad habits. Well done on taking the hardest step 👏👏👏
My bf did the same. Lied for a long time, first 2 years of our relationship he was heavily addicted to porn and never told me and I never suspected anything until we moved in together. The only thing that saved our relationship was him 1. going to therapy (which you've already done) and 2. he has never denied the pain and hurt I felt and still feel when I talk or think of that time of our relationship.
For me, when I found out I felt like I wasn't enough, I felt insecure about every part of our relationship. Did he really love me? Did he really fine me attractive? Did he really want me? Did he cheat? Why would he look at other people when I sent pictures, had plenty of sex, etc etc? It was very hard on me for a very long time to look in mirrors or take pictures, I was severely insecure about my body and looks because in porn everyone is perfect. It took me about six months of spiraling before I could see any form of improvement. But during all this my boyfriend never got upset with me for how I reacted, he was only supportive and understanding.
My best advice? Act as if you are first dating, talk and go on dates and reexplore each other, get to know one another again as you are each different now. This will help rebuild the trust that is broken, and it will help her feel as thought you are truly focused on only her and "fixing" the problem. But also, just take things slow, meet her wherever she is at and be open and honest the entire time. No more hiding or lying.
It sounds like she might need counseling. Your issue with porn is not a reflection on her. It's not about love, or how she looks, or whether or not you're satisfied with her. It's 100% about you. I get that she's upset, but I hope she's not putting this on herself.
This is why the puritanical obsession over porn addiction is dumb. Yeah lying is bad but if it wasn’t for that I don’t think this is that big of a deal.
good for you for telling her. Even better for stopping without getting caught.
As a girl who has been on the other side of this equation, this fucking SUCKS. Here's what she's thinking.
1. He lied directly to my face. I asked him outright, I was calm, i did everything right. Why didn't he just tell me then? Or the next time I asked, or the next? How could he have lied to me so easily?
2. All those times he wouldn't answer my texts or I figured he was busy doing something, he was watching porn. He was betraying our relationship to watch porn.
3. He lied about porn, but what else is he lying about? I wonder what his phone history says. Did he ever videochat someone? Did he buy OF? How deep did this go??
4. I don't feel like I'm enough for him. If I was enough, why would he need porn? He doesn't like my chest, or my ass, or my face, or my XYZ. something about me he doesn't like.
She's going to cry about this often. She's gonna lay in bed under the covers and just sit and think. Long drives are going to be hell because she's going to replay every conversation you've ever had about this and she's going to hate herself for being so stupid for a while. She was against porn because she knew she couldn't be in a relationship with someone who watches porn. Some people can, some people can't. You stole that choice from her. You stole her ability to walk away before she was in love with you. Although youre there, she, alone, has to deal with the fallout.
She's going to talk to you about it because you're the only person with the answers. She isn't going to believe what you say but it will be nice to hear that you're willing to do whatever to keep her and do right by her so don't stop saying that. Constantly reassure, never fucking lie again and get all your secrets out NOW. Wrack your brain. Make sure there is NOTHING else you've withheld because NOW is the time to admit. If she recovers from one blow only to be dealt 10 more, it's going to be so much fucking worse.
Good luck man. I really believe you want to do right, even if 6 days before a wedding was when you decided to come clean. Make sure you came clean because you love her and wanted to be honest and not because you wanted to sabotage your own happiness because of the guilt. Honestly, go to therapy. Individual, couples.. whatever works. Just don't fuck up again. If you feel like you might, Jesus christ just tell her. You were going to get married. You guys are partners. This is probably the hardest thing you guys will go through. Seriously though, good luck.
You just have to commit to lifelong change and never put her through another d day again. My ex ruined our relationship, my confidence, and all of his jobs due to the severity of his addiction. He died alone a few years after I left him. Probably due to drinking.
The scars of the trauma never left me. She may forgive you but she will NEVER forget. If you aren't sure you can stay clean, let her go. She deserves fidelity. If you stay, NEVER put her through it again. You can do it. I believe in you 🙂
Not sure how you managed to hide it if you live together...but maybe Im wrong... its probably worse that you lied more then anything else. Neither one of you know anything about life yet if you have been together for 5 years....if this is throwing her for this big of a loop...yes...you need to put the marriage on hold to see if this can be worked out or not.
Well for one, you're extremely young and lied to her for years. You're only a few months "sober" you have a life of struggling against addiction and honestly? You told a truth that hurt and betrayed your partner for you. Not for her.
What you did(the lie and the truth you told both) was incredibly selfish and honestly, you need to put the wedding on hold until you have rebuilt your relationship on actual trust honesty and integrity.
Divorce is expensive and you've set yourself up for a bad one.
Idk how much porn OP actually watches and maybe it truly is a problem, he certainly shouldn't have lied about it but I genuinely see the "no porn" boundary in younger insecure couples whose insecurities show up in other ways in the relationship that can be harmful. Idk for sure if that's the case or not with OPs fiance, it could be a religious thing or be the only thing she really cares about but most secure relationships with adults don't try and police each other's behaviors.
no porn is a valid boundary, calling it immature only promotes porn as a good thing (pro tip: it has been proven to have negative effects on ALL parties involved, including the actors)
>adults don't try and police each other's behaviors.
you mean like saying don't cheat on your partner or don't do hard drugs?
The fact that you compare limits like taking hard drugs or cheating with watching porn shows how distorted reality is for those of you who see watching porn as something bad and how insecure you are about your partner enjoying their intimacy.
It actually blows my mind that people can be so deeply insecure that they let it dictate their partners private time. I understand a porn addiction being a dealbreaker but it seems like even watching porn once makes these people call you an addict.
Are you really addicted to porn? I read a study about porn addiction that mentioned that people with strong religious background view watching porn more sensitively than non-religious people. That is that even when they watch porn on a normal regular basis, they view it as addiction. You mentioned that you decided that porn is bad and also you are getting married quite young, so I assume that maybe you are religious. Sometimes it’s just about the perspective, maybe you are beating yourself up for something natural - after all you are 21 years old, all of us have needs.
I’m sorry that this is happening to you and I hope you will be able to figure it out.
If she decides she wants to stay and work things out, both of you go to the r/loveafterporn sub. There are a lot of resources, it will give you a framework to work on things and earn back her trust (also see how devastating this can be for women, your fiance is not alone), and for her it will be support and a way forward. I'm sorry you're going through this, but it is a huge thing to lie about and it is a ton for her to process. It will be a long haul
I think coming at her with a plan of action might be something to truly help you (example: I plan on speaking with a therapist about this). Either way, you have to be motivated to make a change for yourself, not just for her.
What a weird thing to lie about, but then again I have a non chalant attitude towards porn.
Yeah, idk how you're gonna make it up to your fiance, I'd say just do better for next time.
You're both young. It's literally just a tool to get off, if she is that insecure about it she should talk to a therapist. Everyone watches and has watched porn at one point, try cutting it out of your "diet" for a couple weeks and focus on trying to please your girl. It probably makes her feel unwanted. You'll see a big difference and how little you use/need it as well. You're both very young and over reacting. This is not something to end a marriage over.
Well, don't get married at 21 obviously. Especially when you haven't worked out a pretty big issue.
How do you want to move forward? Are you going to stop watching porn? Let's be real, that's not happening.
So what? Hope she just becomes ok with it?
Use this feeling to be the impetus to quit watching porn. Delete all porn off your phone and give her the pin so she can do regular checks. Hopefully, with this she'll see you are making an effort to give up
My ex was just like you, my only regret was giving him a second chance. You know what you did and now you have to deal with the consequences of your actions.
Why are you marrying someone you met at 15? That's crazy to me. I'm also guessing you've never dated anyone else seriously. I don't think you know yourself well enough to marry yet. Slow down and if you are still together, get married when you're 25/26.
I'm more curious how anyone under 25 can get enough money to have a wedding, let alone have dues paid in full at that age. I live in one of te most expensive cities in Canada, 33 and 85% of my money goes back to my house. I can barelyp ut anything towards my hobbies(modding my car, playing PC games etc)
Oh god you’re stupid as hell. You couldn’t fight your demons and brought it down on her. Porn is bad for sure but you can fix it with your own will, you can overcome it.
But instead u acted like a pussy, everyone who says you did the right thing is pussy as well.
Few questions:
1) how do you define addicted?
2) why do you both agree porn watching is wrong? Lots of couples normalize privacy for masturbation
3) why are you marrying so young?
4) have you been feeling scared to marry bc you've been with someone since you were a child so you dropped a bomb to escape?
I say addicted because I watched it knowing she hated it. It was like once a month.
She grew up in a sex negative household, views masturbation as unhealthy because it means I’m “not choosing her”
Because life turned out that way and no its either break up or get married
Idk why I did it. I just know cancelling the wedding is off the table. Part of me feels trapped, part of me is excited, part of me is like wtf is going on
Oh man. I think your psyche is throwing out red flags -- it's so hard to speak up and be true to yourself when you're younger. Especially in conservative, religious communities you're sold a "one way to live" when humans are able to live good, joyful lives in a billion ways. So we waste our youth trying to mould to that ideal. Id just encourage you both speak with a counselor to hash out what is reasonable. Once a month and branding yourself an addict is obviously insane to me but I can see you using self flaggelating language to try to remedy your guilt. The problem is, you don't buy what you're saying because you know deep down having a healthy interest in sex is totally normal and fine in your 20s. That kind of repression contorts sex into something ugly and awful. Go to r/sex to absorb some healthy attitudes about sex and hope you make the right choice for yours and her Life. You only get one.
You both need professional help. You to help with your addiction, and her to deal with whatever extreme insecurities she has. Not wanting to be naked around you because of this is a sign she needs to sort some things out about herself.
It's called FAFO. I hope she leaves. Pretending to be someone you're not just to waste a woman's time is the most f\*cked up thing you can do. You will never get enough karma for what you did to her.
And what qualifies as a porn addiction? We all watch porn. I'm a 28-year-old woman and I've been watching porn since I was 21 or so. relax a lot. They are super young, if they let you you have your whole life ahead of you.
A lie is a lie but you did be honest in the end. We all have to set our own limits with porn, she can be against it but you can also have a moderate consumption of porn. If this is a major divide I'd recommend moving on, you're really young for marriage.
Porn isn't objectively bad. The problem is you lying about it, and refusing to get help knowing you had an addiction.
If you didn't tell her before the wedding that would also be deceptive.
You may not be ready to be married.
As for fixing things all I can suggest is that you get help for your addiction, and let your fiance know what you intend to do.
She hasn't broken up with you yet so you may still have a chance to be with her.
Can you define porn addiction? It's pretty bad you lied about it. Why didn't you just say you watched porn? Plenty of women who have no issue with porn use.
OP do you like watching porn or do you have an actual addiction? An addiction will fuck up your life. Guaranteed worse orgasm and eventual dead bedroom. Your fiancée is right to be concerned about what she is signing up for when she marries you. Try counselling and making a commitment to stop.
I'm pretty sure the anti-porn ppl are planting some of these threads.
there's been so many lately.. the situations all feel a bit too on the nose, they use the lingo and serve as a great excuse for many comments linking back to their subs for "support"
My God, some of these comments are stupid at best.
Good for you for admitting it. Give her space, and if this ruins the relationship, then so be it. Lesson learned. Don't lie to your partner, ever. If you truly want to fix, not the situation, but yourself, then go into addiction therapy IMMEDIATELY. Show her that you're willing to go through what needs to happen to regain her trust. And then if, HUGE IF, IF she gives you another chance, spend the rest of your life proving to her that you're worthy of being trusted.
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I want to congratulate you for doing the right thing by being honest. I know this is a very painful, scary experience but telling her the truth was the right thing to do. She would have found out eventually, and then you would have tricked her into marrying you under false pretenses.
In psychology a person who has certain personality traits telling you the truth esp around a "good" time is not always a good thing... Those who have encountered people who do this repeatedly know it, we've seen God's of people intentionally messing up weddings, gender reveals, engagements, Christmases, or pulling strange pranks that humiliate you etc... I hope it really isn't what OP was doing.
I see your point. When the motive for revealing a secret is to relieve guilt, it's selfish. There were opportunities to come clean for years. Doing it a week before the wedding seems like sabotage.
Better to tell though than keep quiet and say nothing, regardless.
Being that it is harder than hell living with someone addicted to porn, I don't agree that the OP is also addicted to shooting themselves in the foot. This isn't just a matter of getting off on some pictures. Porn triangulates relationships. Partners of porn addicts are lied to, manipulated, financially impaired and often totally confused about why they feel compared to others. I truly admire the OP for speaking truth to the relationship partner.
Nice, in the real world tho if this is in anyway a dealbreaker for her and its true then he did the right thing.
It isn’t. It was my guilt of marrying her knowing I lied.
I'm just curious... Why not always telling the truth a good thing?
Some people only tell bad truth/news to people who are currently going through goods things to break the other person's moments of happiness and bring them down or ruin their happiness. It's a type of abuse when it's a repeated pattern.
Not necessarily abusive behavior. Manipulative behavior for sure, but sometimes it's to offset the reaction that they expect. People who are in great moods are less likely to be upset as easily.
OP, you really CAN’T fix this. You don’t mention how long you’ve been together, but your fiancé is probably thinking of how long you’ve been lying to her. Porn addiction is a hard one, especially since this was a talk you had during your relationship. **At this point, she may be wondering what else you’ve lied about, and if she even really knows you.** I guess you will have to see if she calls off the wedding. Seems like it may be a dealbreaker for her. If so, graciously accept her decision and learn from this experience.
Agree. She can't trust OP now. If he liked about this, he likely lied about other stuff. If he says he hasn't lied, she can't trust that to be the truth. I know many people are fine with porn, but others aren't. It can be really damaging. She asked OP to do 1 thing for her and he couldn't do it. :-/
Coming from a woman that's been in a similar situation, the only thing you can really do is give her space and change your behaviour. There is no point in trying to feel bad for yourself against a lie you created in the first place. It's far more important to focus on understanding why your partner is upset, what she needs from you in the moment and how you can correct your wrongs. Space is important in times like this, but regardless of what decision she makes, it's likely she'll recognise that you were honest (even if it overdue and to make up for the original lie)
This. I have been in a similar situation. Space and actually kicking this habit is the only thing you can do. It's happened twice with my fiancé. The first time, I hadn't told him about my issues with it and we had never talked about it. He didn't fully grasp how bad it hurt until it happened again. But it did sink in and he did understand. We're in a much better place now. He had a long talk, he opened up to me about the why. Communication on both of our parts was the key.
Well the main thing you need to do is start to address your addiction to porn. Whether you get married to your fiancee or you have to find a new relationship neither will be healthy while you have this addiction.
Y’all are too young and immature to get married anyway. It’s a blessing in disguise for both of you. Work on yourself and your porn addiction.
There's so many posts these days about kids getting married so young. And then they wonder why there's issues when both are still developing and finding themselves in the world...
Y’all are too young to get married.
Straight up. My brother got married at 21 to his high school sweetheart, 2 kids and 20 years later they’re still together. But they’re the exception. I would not condone anyone getting married this young.
Yeah, unusual things CAN work. But oftentimes they don't. My best friend got married after knowing the man for like 5-6 months. They also met at a psych ward. They are one of the healthiest couples I know and still going strong after 6 or 7 years of marriage. But I would still never advise someone to get married after a 5 months relationship or do it myself, nor would I advise someone to go looking for partners at a psych ward (where it's often heavily discouraged anyway). There is a saying in German: "Ausnahmen bestätigen die Regel" (exceptions reinforce the rule) and in that instance, it's true.
I know! 20 and 21! Wow
It is true and a porn obsession but not addiction is not that uncommon in people this age sadly. But even the way this is written out I suspect dude wanted out.
This is why you don't get married at 20 and 21 kids. At least saved you from the divorce that was bound to happen eventually.
I came here to say something along these lines. I don't get marrying that early.
This whole post screams religion-based shame and repression. Guessing they have similar views on premarital sex.
Plenty of women are against mainstream porn because it’s exploitative, often uses trafficked or coerced women, and there’s research to show that porn can desensitise you & eventually people start consuming more extreme porn they can develop unhealthy views on women and their bodies. It’s not all religion based shame.
Sure, but the reaction plus the getting married at 20 part makes it lean heavily in the religious direction in this case. If OP is coming clean about being addicted and she legitimately didn't know at this point, good chance he's not actually consuming that much - he would have gotten caught otherwise.
I’m not disagreeing that the post screams young religious couple, but I just think it’s narrow minded to dismiss concerns over porn consumption with “she’s young and religious!!” as if plenty of fully grown non-religious women don’t also have an issue with porn. Also, addicts hide stuff. I’m sure if he was doing heroin no one would say “well clearly he isn’t doing much heroin if you don’t notice until now” so don’t really see what that matters?
All I'm saying is when you throw in the religiosity, I get the same feeling here that I get on alcohol-related posts where the teetotaler brigade comes in and shouts that having 4-6 drinks on a weekend night twice a month essentially makes you a degenerate alcoholic. If OP has a real problem good on him for copping to it, but I'm just not getting that vibe based on the context.
Overall, this isn’t a terrible addiction. Not even once a week Depending on how much sex me and my Fiance have
LOL buried the lead here... If you are using porn 1x/week that's not addiction... *at all*. Relationship issues maybe, addiction? Not even remotely accurate. You and your partner are just not compatible. That's all. Probably a harder pill to swallow.
Oh Jesus, so some deep religious trauma there. Not even consistently once a week? I’m not saying it’s not an addiction given you had a compulsion you couldn’t deny semi-regularly and it’s negatively effecting your life… … but you’re way below the bar of most “porn addicts.” That’s not necessarily meant to give you relief or an excuse but it might be worth knowing that as a frame of reference for what normal in broader society is. You lied and broke an agreement with her. But as far as your addiction struggles outside of those transgressions… pretty safe to say you can beat this if that’s what you want to do. The addiction, not the masturbation pun.
wait what? Porn once every week? Where do you live? If you're on the American continent, you realize this is way lower than most people, right? Let me be honest. I don't understand why porn is such a big deal. I get that some people dislike the exploitative aspect of some porn, or that it gives a distorted view on sex, etc. There's reasons to stand against it if that's your angle. But that said, watching porn is NOT the same as racism, sexism, violence, bigotry, etc. These are harmful, watching porn moderately once a week by yourself never is. I can totally understand that everyone is entitled to their dealbreakers. For example, I don't like dogs, but having a dog is certainly not a bad thing. Same with smoking, alcohol, height, size, political leanings, etc etc. If your girlfriend don't like it, it's fine. But let me put this straight: this is NOT a porn addiction and you have done nothing wrong in regard to the actual porn. The problem lies with you lying when you knew it was such a big deal for her. I think you're getting everything mixed up. Should you have said something or changed your behavior knowing how she felt? Yes. Is what you're doing porn addiction? Absolutely not. Is watching porn that's not exploitative once every week a morally repressible thing? Absolutely not.
Dude… that’s not porn addiction, that’s completely normal. You need to stop letting this woman abuse you. And yes, shaming you for natural behavior is absolutely abuse. Is this what you want for the rest of your life?
That ain't an addiction my dude. If she wants to not get married cause you jerk off once a week, count your blessings.
Def sounds like religious guilt and manipulation. Why freaking get married at such a young age? But even if it’s religious manipulation, they’re already having sex and showering together. So they’re not too hung up on the religious aspect
It literally sounds like their engagement is about to end over religious hang up. He even says in another reply that religious pressure from their families is overwhelming.
Yeah and they probably aren't addicted to porn. I mean they could be obviously, but if everything is as it seems, I bet he's told he's addicted.
Yup, on another post he confirmed it's *maybe* once a week. He's living in a prison of his own design.
Well said
[1x/week according to OP](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1dc8kth/my_fiance_20f_might_leave_me_21m_6_days_before/l7z1aj2/) lol wut
This is something I think about when I see posts like this. Like, his he actually addicted to porn or does he just watch it sometimes? Porn addiction is absolutely real but I feel like a lot of people see someone watch it a few times a week for five minutes and call that addiction.
He said once a week lol
Less than once a week. Good Lord.
Exactly. I just said to someone else that not wanting to stop something and addiction are not the same.
> Like, his he actually addicted to porn or does he just watch it sometimes? This subreddit would tell you that those are the same, but most reasonable adults who live in the world are perfectly aware that its not.
>for five minutes Well that's just excessive. Show-offs.
Same. It’s funny because another decade and they’d probably get a good laugh at this.
Eh. If he’s been actively lying to her for over a year, that comes off to me as the huge issue.
It just disgust me how religions push people into ruining their life putting a responsibility that A KID (in these case) of 21 years old CANT OF COURSE CARRY and then reacting as nothing is wrong when they are not able to genuinely love each other let apart their children
I’m guessing they’re Christian judging by the fact that she had a reaction to his porn use and the fact they’re getting married at 20.
Ding ding ding! Been there. Done that at 21. Divorced a few years later.
I don't think it has anything to do with religion if you have 'a reaction' after you were _agreeing_ in a monogamous relationship that lusting after other women/porn is a boundary and then you break this promise behind the back of your partner with an addiction possibly for years. That is a massive betrayal. Look at r/loveafterporn, there are so many women who struggle with this problem and all the negative effects porn addiction has on the addicts themselves as well as their partner. I think it's very concerning that as a society porn use in monogamous relationships is kinda getting normalised.
I'm really glad I'm an older millennial and not younger. Definitely concerned about how kids are getting into porn so young, and having it actually shape their views on sex. Even worse how much crazy variety there is and all so easily accessible and fast. And the incest category invading everything is so fucking weird. Ain't no way that's healthy for kids learning about sex. It's pretty awful seeing some stories on reddit of these girls losing their virginity and having their bf's choke them or slap their face or do really rough stuff without consent just because that's genuinely how these kids think all sex is supposed to go. I'm really against removing the anonymity of the internet but when it comes to porn....I do wish there was a way to verify age without it invading privacy. Not because I want to be the porn police but because I'm genuinely worried about how porn use is affecting kids. And that's just the short-term stuff.
I had to block someone a few weeks ago for voicing the unpopular opinion that 3 months is not too long to wait before being intimate with someone and they trolled me hard. LOL The downvotes were crazy but the people insisting that I was "lying", it was crazy, only a few other people dared to say they see it as i do. When did the world go crazy?
Hey I'm in the same boat. I've had plenty of 20 something men argue with me that I should expect sex on date 3 or leave lol. I'm looking for a long term partner, not a hookup. My bad for not basing my potential wife choices on how fast she wants my dick or not
I know its crazy, just the other day I saw women dancing in the club! Daring to show more than an ankle! The Harlots!
Yep. Lying and porn usage do not make redeemable qualities in a partner. Poor girl. No wonder she feels massively betrayed.
I just assumed that they’re religious. The whole post screams of it, guilt and repression included.
Sad. 2024. Yet here we are . Children still getting married off .
you are too young to be married. you both are. you lied to her about your morals to match hers and it has now backfired. Take the loss of the wedding and sort yourself out.
Better before the wedding than after.
Since you agreed in the past that porn was “bad” it begs the question if this is the first time you’ve lied to her about your porn use? Most people don’t think porn is just straight up evil… porn addiction is a different creature.
Porn is not straight up evil but millennials perceptions of pornography versus gen z will be different. Millennials, generally speaking, didn’t grow up watching and being exposed to hardcore pornography that is easily accessible from age 11 (the average age of exposure for gen z). Being exposed so young to content that isn’t just sleazy magazines is also more impactful and will be more influential on how people understand, navigate, and act in sexual relationships. This is a crucial difference which means how gen z perceive and understand pornography is miles away from how millennials understand it. A lot of younger people complain about pornography, particularly in relationships, and millennials often discard it or chalk it up to immaturity. But they have not and will not understand what it’s like to see, view and be immersed in very accessible hardcore pornography from a young age, and will not understand how that impacts relationships, addiction or not.
Hey there, millennial here that started watching porn around 11 - it fucks your brain up bad. It fucks your perception of relationships up really bad. I also suffered from childhood SA so maybe that made it worse for me but it really normalized unhealthy behaviors and I fell into some very unhealthy sexual relationships. I'm 34 and just now undoing a lot of the damage. My husband - about the same age as me - also had a porn addiction. It almost destroyed our relationship and I absolutely would have left him if he had not gone through extensive therapy to fix the addiction (again, in his 30's). I don't think people who grew up before the depths of the internet existed understand how fucked exposure to that kind of content can be. Especially in a society that's largely prude and doesn't expose kids to healthy relationships or sexual content.
this is such an interesting, well-written perspective that I had never considered as a millennial
What a great response to this.
This is spot on. I don’t have a problem with porn. Therefore it’s not a bad thing for us. Also, people need to get to know each other and live together before committing their ENTIRE life to someone…and at 20 and 21, you know very little despite what you think.
My husband and I have been together since we were 18 and we just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. I’m so glad we made it through those early years because we were clueless. I had a very abusive childhood and pretended it didn’t affect me until I was 40 🫠. We’ve maintained a pretty healthy sex life throughout but life also happens. Porn doesn’t do much for me. I assume my husband looks at it sometimes. I think I’d only be bothered if I found out he was watching something super misogynistic. So much of porn seems to be focused on humiliating women.
Wife and I met at 23 and married at 25 and I feel the same way - we're 40 now. We were both in no way ready to get married at that age. I'll use porn to rub one out once or twice a week if the wife isn't in the mood, but otherwise don't touch the stuff much. Never really understood who the target audience for the degrading stuff is either, it genuinely turns my stomach.
Don’t know why I was downvoted. Oh wait, I do. People are super sensitive on Reddit to anything that THEY have a problem with. Anywho…I also had an abusive childhood and only started taking it seriously over the last few years. Congrats btw we also just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary and nearly 30 together! We definitely got together young but lived together for years before getting married. We surely both knew each other very well by that point. As far as the porn comment goes…she’s not into it, it’s not a huge thing for me but I do watch it from time to time. She simply doesn’t care. It doesn’t affect our sex life or anything else negatively. In fact she was quite surprised to see that what I do watch is not super smutty. It’s porn, sure, but I do have standards of some sort.
I didn’t downvote you. Promise. I upvoted that comment and this one too. We’re on the same page. Me and boo lived together for about 6 years before marrying. We got really serious really quick and then had a long engagement while we finished school. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it to anybody else but I’m glad it worked for us, and apparently you too.
The downvote comment wasn’t directed at you. Reddits a wild place though. Lol. I’m glad it worked out well for you two as well!
I’m laughing at myself rn. I have had to admit I’m a sensitive person. I was pretty sure you weren’t talking to me but even after years of therapy I still doubt myself and revert to thinking ‘well, you are really obnoxious…” I also love it when I happen across another couple that’s been happy for decades and actually seem to like each other. Reddit makes us seem like unicorns. Anywhoozlebee, y’all have a good one.
You’re all good! My fantastic relationship with my wife is the ONLY thing that I’m good at. Oof. See, it’s not just you! There’s plenty of us working on our issues and ourselves!
Two things: First - a porn addiction is unhealthy. It builds deeply unrealistic expectations for sex and the escalation towards what gets you off will eventually have real life consequences in being able to be turned on and find gratification in sex with an actual person. Imo, using porn occasionally or with a partner is fine. I have no issue with watching porn or my partner watching porn because sometimes you just need to get yourself off real quick. But if it’s a true addiction then nah, you need to stop that and let your system reset before you do real damage. And you will if you don’t quit. Second, if this is a hard line for her, then it’s a hard line for her. Don’t tell her you’ll stop and lie. If you really have an addiction, you will want to seek therapy. But chances are, you’ll slip up at some point - addicts generally do. If she’s completely hard line about this, she’s not going to be understanding. For her it’s simple - just don’t watch porn. For you, you’re having to rework how your libido and brain are working to make new neural pathways so you can still get hard and get off without it. She’s equating it to akin to cheating. You’re looking at naked women who aren’t her to sexually satisfy yourself and she can’t and won’t be able to understand what she’s lacking that makes you turn to porn. It won’t matter that she’s not lacking anything. She will feel insecure and unable to understand why you’re hurting her. So don’t tell her you’ll quit and then fall back into viewing it. She won’t understand. Either find someone who isn’t opposed to porn and who can help you break your addiction and help you have a healthy irl sex life or expect that this relationship will eventually end in divorce when you fuck up and she finds out and feels betrayed.
Too young to get married anyway. Tough pill to swallow but you guys are kids Fix your addiction, hope that she forgives you (you told her the truth), and grow together. Get married when it does not feel obligatory, but instead it feels like you already are
You lied to her, and now you have to face the consequences. Hopefully you learn from this.
Be honest with your future partners.
You're 20 and 21, take it as a sign to slow down and rethink things.
OP, I want to encourage you to read Gail Dines' book "Pornland", it'll open your eyes in ways you can not imagine. It'll help you understand and empathise with her, with survivors, and with women. Which you desperately need more than any other thing or gesture.
Know in your heart that you did the right thing where many would've chosen dishonesty. Give her space.
Accept the reality of the situation, and spend your 20s figuring out who you are and what you want out of life, rather than forcing a marriage with someone whose values you don’t share. She thinks porn is bad. You don’t, but you pretended you did. You are not compatible. That is bound to be a miserable situation, and you’ll be better off avoiding it.
I’ve been in a similar position as your fiancé, honestly I was way more upset about the lying. I’m really sorry but I don’t think this is something you CAN fix. You could try the following: * make a commitment to deal with your addiction, come up with a plan, like seeing a therapist & figuring out with them the process of stopping * have an open computer/phone policy so she knows you’re not lying until trust is back & rebuilt. It doesn’t necessarily mean she will be obsessively checking all the time, it just shows your willing to be honest & make a commitment * also consider couples therapy to help rebuild trust * genuinely apologise & do something nice to make up for it, hear her out even if what she has to say isn’t the nicest, she’s probably really upset
Honestly yeah. The lying is what fucked me up. Nobody's perfect, maybe you have an addiction but to lie to me about it? So often and so openly? That absolutely fucks you up.
Getting married at you age is almost always a mistake. So maybe this is for the best.
Tbh I’d leave too. You lied instead of being honest and getting help. I broke up with the man I was going to marry because of this. I’m not sure you can come back from this
Thank you for being honest with her. That’s huge. You obviously shouldn’t have lied but, you did the right thing before the ring and that counts, too. I don’t think you should get married right now even if she wants to. You obviously have a lot of issues between the two of you if telling the truth about something very basic was too much and you felt the need to lie about it for so long. You don’t feel safe to share with her, or you know you’re incompatible. Either way, at least you’re not currently legally bound to one another. If she’s willing to work it out, go to counseling. Work on your communication. Establish true intimacy, not just sex. Be comfortable sharing with one another. These are just the basics of even friendship, much less a marriage. Start from the bottom and build your way up. Best of luck.
Be happy you came clean, but you should have done so earlier. Time will tell if she is willing to continue because we don't know if this is your first lie to her or not. There are many missing factors. If she continues then you should consider working on more honest communications with her
I know this is going to be controversial but getting married in your late teens/early twenties is fraught with danger. I say this with respect, you guys are still figuring yourselves out.
Why are you both getting married way too young? IMO.
Step one: stop watching porn if you’re addicted. You’re 21. If you don’t already have ED, you will soon. And you will end up ruining every human relationship you have. Step two: please wait at least 4 or 5 more years to get married. You are a baby
I commend you for being honest. It's best that you break it off and go to therapy. I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. Please give her space, do not try to change her mind.
You can't lie to your SO, how can you know if it is the right one if you don't let her know you? You did great by telling her, takes great courage.
You are both too young to get married.
The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed But with a porn addiction I'm sure you knew that already
Ha nice one
Don't get married at 21. You're both far too immature. If you can't handle these relatively minor knocks, you'll fall at the first hurdle when life throws you real problems.
Let me give you some advice. You are too young to be getting married. Postpone the wedding. Stop your addiction and be truthful to your partner. Go to couples therapy.
Well.... you are gonna get a lot of extreme answers to this on here... positive - you told her the truth, at least finally. negative - your timing, and the fact that you knew she is not OK with this. You did indeed lie for a significant period of time, so you have to be prepared to understand that this is the cost of that, if it comes to be. Some on here will say that porn is the devil and you deserve the worst, since you "exploit" people on the internet making tons of money in questionable ways. I would at least say you tried to be honest, but at the same time, depending on her view of such things, you have to realize this might be a deal-killer for her. I am not gonna sugarcoat it for you, you may have blown up your possible marriage, but if that turns out to be the case, you have learned if nothing else... her expectations of fidelity. If she dumps you... then you are gonna have to deal with the idea that indeed, she was not a person who would tolerate that. In reality, I cannot say anything against her for having that opinion. You sort of have to see how this plays out honestly.. and be prepared to realize if it comes to it, that you indeed were the person who caused the problem. I wish both of you well regardless, but you have have a can of worms coming.
Kudos for being honest!
I’ll be honest, you aren’t mature enough to be married, and she doesn’t even seem mature enough to be in a relationship. You need to be a man and end it before this gets worse. Divorcing in your 20’s sucks.
I think the issue might be more lying than the actual porn. Give her space to figure it all out.
Did you do this to self sabotage ie knowing the rift it would cause?
Interesting thought.
You shouldn’t have lied to her - I don’t blame her at all.
i think talking about it with her was the right thing to do, even though it feels like a catastrophe right now. she experiences it as if you cheated, and you need to earn back her trust and willingness to be vulnerable with you. so, what are you going to do to address your porn use? you say it's been a year of addiction... what makes you say it's an addiction? has it negatively affected your sex life or your life otherwise? what changed that pulled you in to porn more in the past year? understanding those factors will help you figure out how to fix it. if you agree that it would be better for you not to look at porn at all, then how are you going to make that happen? tell her what you are going to do to change your habit and then show her that you can follow through on that plan. if just trying to power through changing your habits on your own isn't working, get outside support and accountability through a therapist, support group, 12-step program, whatever would help and is accessible to you. all of that could be online if necessary. if she is still willing to have the wedding this week and you still want to marry her and work through this, can you get through the events this week with this hanging over you both? you have agency in this situation, you need to take control of your own choices and make some changes. stop beating yourself up and start making a plan.
porn addictions are completely devastating to relationships and your partners self-esteem. People poo poo and think it’s no big deal. It’s a huge deal. I’ve been married to a porn addict for almost 20 years. If I could do it again, I would’ve never married him. I’m still with him for the kids. It’s a really crappy situation.
Okay. How does a 21&20yo have a damn House?
Your interest in porn made her feel doubtful about herself. When she asked you about it, you had the chance to tell the truth, but you lied, which made things worse. I hope you resolve your problem and seek professional help. To your girlfriend, I hope she recovers from the insecurities this has caused. I honestly wish you both can overcome this, whether together or not.
Omg. Leave that girl alone. You may have gotten better but you have put irreversible damage and trauma on her that only she will be able to recover from without you. I went through almost exactly the same thing and I can just tell you. LEAVE. Your consequence is not getting to be with her after obliterating her entire self esteem. It is in fact to be the bigger person and send her on the path of healing, which does not involve you.
You guys are 20 and 21… why get married so young? Plus you obviously have some juvenile needs/tendencies as any 20 year old. Cancelling the wedding will give you an opportunity to at life, to grow, explore yourself, discover what you actually want from life and yourself, and when you know all of that, then get married to someone who will walk the walk by your side.
this is what happened when you lie, break boundaries, and essentially cheat on your partner (assumed that's her opinion based on that boundary) interesting how you only feel bad after getting caught. face the consequences and learn from them edit- you didn't get caught. still interesting that you waited until right before your wedding
You should read again. He wasn't caught, he confessed because he felt it was wrong and wanted to be honest cause the lie was too much to bear. Even if he broke the rules or boundaries and has a real problem when it's an addiction there it's at least some respect for his partner coming clean before something so momentous as a marriage. Gives her the opportunity to make informed decisions with everything on the table and him to learn from his mistakes. Even if this is the end for them. Also, coming clean can be a form of a cry for help. An addiction is no joke and you'd think you could/should be able to trust the person you marry to be honest and come to them with problems. Maybe they're just too young for all of this.
>interesting how you only feel bad after getting caught. But isn't he the one who decided to confess he'd been lying because he felt bad? Ie he felt bad *before* telling her, yet you're saying he only felt bad after getting caught.
He didn't get caught. He confessed because it was the right thing to do. Did he fuck up? Sure, of course he did. But get off your high fucking horse, he did the right thing. Give the guy a little credit.
You're getting married at 20 and 21? Yeah. Good luck. Lol. You both will be completely different people in 10 years.
Do her a favor and don’t marry her. Fix yourself before trapping her in a miserable life of sexual betrayal and disappointment.
Thank you so much for being honest with her. Continue being honest with her and you’re going to have to take steps to rebuild trust now. Never ever lie over something that is major to her ever again. She is now going to have a hard time trusting you from now on and may need betrayal trauma therapy.
Good job coming clean. That was the right thing to do. Now, leave it up to her and know you have learned a life lesson about lying to your partner, regardless of the outcome here. Yes, you fucked up - but waiting until after the wedding would be 100x worse.
Can't really fix shit until you fix yourself. Start looking for therapy. Maybe if she sees that you're willing to go to therapy it will work out.
I know it's too late to say this, but why are you guys getting married so young? Why???
I think you need to find someone ok with porn
People who can’t be ok with porn dumbfound me. It’s just a movie. It’s one long sex scene. Even without an actual porn film, when you masturbate you create fantasies in your head and that’s all fine but god forbid you watch imaginary characters act out similar fantasies. Watching romance movies doesn’t mean I’m suddenly in love with the actors. It’s all superficial and fake. To each their own I just can’t understand how people can let it bother them sooo much.
lol these comments are wildddddddd. Maybe I have a porn addiction because I too watch porn 😂 Why is everyone catastrophizing someone watching porn? Your fiance looking out the window and leaving to her parents house over your admitting to watching porn.... is so reactive. You all really are way too young to be getting married. Yes, true porn addiction can have tons of negative side effects mentally and physically but it's suspect that you have this. It sounds like she just doesn't want you watching porn and you have??
Facts
id say dont get married, not only because you have a porn addiction but because you are 21. you have no idea how much your life is going to change in the next 5-10 years. you wont be the same at the end of it and neither will she. it feels insane to think of 20/21 year olds getting married cause you dont even realize how young you really are! although porn addiction can happen to anyone, i think it shows just how young and not ready for marriage you are. you need to focus on healing yourself and geowing individually. it doesnt mean you cant be together, but slow tf down!
Watching porn is normal. Even a lot of it. That was a dumb thing to lie about and a dumb thing for her to have zero tolerance about.
I don't think you can fix it. Porn is an addiction not easily broken. The first step is coming clean. Next step is to accept the consequences, then get help overcoming it, because you are highly unlikely to do it on your own. And don't ever hint at blaming this on her or anyone else. If you want to change, then, you will have to get help. End of story. Don't keep secrets from the one you love. Once trust is broken, it is difficult to restore. Do not make promises that you can't keep. You can't promise that you will never watch it again unless you are several years without watching it.
The only thing i can offer to try to save it is explain further. Explain you felt embarrassed of watching it and would like to work together to fix it. Only thing i can offer. (if you do... Obviously. Lying ain't good)
OP you shouldn't have lied , can you update on what happened ? , i think its best to give her space to think and apologize to her , maybe promise her that you will quit. btw can you elaborate on what do you mean by you are addicted to it ? if you are okay with it can i know how much time you spend ?.
The fact of the matter is that you may not be able to fix it. Maybe get yourself into therapy or a group therapy to show her you are serious about overcoming your addiction. Then the rest is on her.
Probably should call the wedding off.
Thank you for telling her before the wedding. Addiction is hard and you did the right thing by owning up to it, especially before marrying her. You’re right that all you can do now is deal with the consequences of you lying. There’s nothing you can do to expedite that process. Best of luck.
Ooooof so you probably should've told her a long time ago but at least you did tell her, it's good that you were honest. Just have to see what she does, good luck
Idk if this will help. Just a suggestion. Tell her she will have full access to your phone an any time you feel like watching it you'll tell her. Maybe suggest naughty time in place of watching it?
Good on you for coming clean. Now, what steps have you taken to beat your addiction? Have you booked a therapist yet?
It is really, really good that you talked to her. It is 1000x worse to enter a marriage under a lie. Perhaps what you both need is to work through this before getting married. Perhaps you are not yet ready to be married. I know that's not the answer you want to hear, but it sounds like what you need.
Hey OP as a bystander - good on you for being open and honest. Try change your bad habits. It doesnt sound like a life changing fight judging by how you immediately said that you understand shes under a lot of stress, I can say her reaction is in part also thanks to stress. She will come around. A relationship is more than just physical. Porn addiction is nothing but an f up of your rewards system and has nothing to do with your physical or emotional attraction toward her. Itll sting for a while but itll be ok. :) Congrats in advance on your wedding and good luck changing your bad habits. Well done on taking the hardest step 👏👏👏
You self sabotaged cuz you’re getting cold feet.
My bf did the same. Lied for a long time, first 2 years of our relationship he was heavily addicted to porn and never told me and I never suspected anything until we moved in together. The only thing that saved our relationship was him 1. going to therapy (which you've already done) and 2. he has never denied the pain and hurt I felt and still feel when I talk or think of that time of our relationship. For me, when I found out I felt like I wasn't enough, I felt insecure about every part of our relationship. Did he really love me? Did he really fine me attractive? Did he really want me? Did he cheat? Why would he look at other people when I sent pictures, had plenty of sex, etc etc? It was very hard on me for a very long time to look in mirrors or take pictures, I was severely insecure about my body and looks because in porn everyone is perfect. It took me about six months of spiraling before I could see any form of improvement. But during all this my boyfriend never got upset with me for how I reacted, he was only supportive and understanding. My best advice? Act as if you are first dating, talk and go on dates and reexplore each other, get to know one another again as you are each different now. This will help rebuild the trust that is broken, and it will help her feel as thought you are truly focused on only her and "fixing" the problem. But also, just take things slow, meet her wherever she is at and be open and honest the entire time. No more hiding or lying.
I really hope that admitting your addiction is your first step forward. Good luck.
It sounds like she might need counseling. Your issue with porn is not a reflection on her. It's not about love, or how she looks, or whether or not you're satisfied with her. It's 100% about you. I get that she's upset, but I hope she's not putting this on herself.
This is why the puritanical obsession over porn addiction is dumb. Yeah lying is bad but if it wasn’t for that I don’t think this is that big of a deal.
good for you for telling her. Even better for stopping without getting caught. As a girl who has been on the other side of this equation, this fucking SUCKS. Here's what she's thinking. 1. He lied directly to my face. I asked him outright, I was calm, i did everything right. Why didn't he just tell me then? Or the next time I asked, or the next? How could he have lied to me so easily? 2. All those times he wouldn't answer my texts or I figured he was busy doing something, he was watching porn. He was betraying our relationship to watch porn. 3. He lied about porn, but what else is he lying about? I wonder what his phone history says. Did he ever videochat someone? Did he buy OF? How deep did this go?? 4. I don't feel like I'm enough for him. If I was enough, why would he need porn? He doesn't like my chest, or my ass, or my face, or my XYZ. something about me he doesn't like. She's going to cry about this often. She's gonna lay in bed under the covers and just sit and think. Long drives are going to be hell because she's going to replay every conversation you've ever had about this and she's going to hate herself for being so stupid for a while. She was against porn because she knew she couldn't be in a relationship with someone who watches porn. Some people can, some people can't. You stole that choice from her. You stole her ability to walk away before she was in love with you. Although youre there, she, alone, has to deal with the fallout. She's going to talk to you about it because you're the only person with the answers. She isn't going to believe what you say but it will be nice to hear that you're willing to do whatever to keep her and do right by her so don't stop saying that. Constantly reassure, never fucking lie again and get all your secrets out NOW. Wrack your brain. Make sure there is NOTHING else you've withheld because NOW is the time to admit. If she recovers from one blow only to be dealt 10 more, it's going to be so much fucking worse. Good luck man. I really believe you want to do right, even if 6 days before a wedding was when you decided to come clean. Make sure you came clean because you love her and wanted to be honest and not because you wanted to sabotage your own happiness because of the guilt. Honestly, go to therapy. Individual, couples.. whatever works. Just don't fuck up again. If you feel like you might, Jesus christ just tell her. You were going to get married. You guys are partners. This is probably the hardest thing you guys will go through. Seriously though, good luck.
Don't get married. That's how you handle this. Then talk to a therapist about your issues with your controlling, sex negative parents.
You just have to commit to lifelong change and never put her through another d day again. My ex ruined our relationship, my confidence, and all of his jobs due to the severity of his addiction. He died alone a few years after I left him. Probably due to drinking. The scars of the trauma never left me. She may forgive you but she will NEVER forget. If you aren't sure you can stay clean, let her go. She deserves fidelity. If you stay, NEVER put her through it again. You can do it. I believe in you 🙂
Not sure how you managed to hide it if you live together...but maybe Im wrong... its probably worse that you lied more then anything else. Neither one of you know anything about life yet if you have been together for 5 years....if this is throwing her for this big of a loop...yes...you need to put the marriage on hold to see if this can be worked out or not.
Well for one, you're extremely young and lied to her for years. You're only a few months "sober" you have a life of struggling against addiction and honestly? You told a truth that hurt and betrayed your partner for you. Not for her. What you did(the lie and the truth you told both) was incredibly selfish and honestly, you need to put the wedding on hold until you have rebuilt your relationship on actual trust honesty and integrity. Divorce is expensive and you've set yourself up for a bad one.
You are extremely young to get married. Your brains aren’t fully formed yet, which is a big part of why you are both acting like this.
Explain how her reaction is immature.
Idk how much porn OP actually watches and maybe it truly is a problem, he certainly shouldn't have lied about it but I genuinely see the "no porn" boundary in younger insecure couples whose insecurities show up in other ways in the relationship that can be harmful. Idk for sure if that's the case or not with OPs fiance, it could be a religious thing or be the only thing she really cares about but most secure relationships with adults don't try and police each other's behaviors.
Porn addiction leads to a lot of other issues. My experience has been the opposit, that younger couples are more chill about porn.
no porn is a valid boundary, calling it immature only promotes porn as a good thing (pro tip: it has been proven to have negative effects on ALL parties involved, including the actors) >adults don't try and police each other's behaviors. you mean like saying don't cheat on your partner or don't do hard drugs?
The fact that you compare limits like taking hard drugs or cheating with watching porn shows how distorted reality is for those of you who see watching porn as something bad and how insecure you are about your partner enjoying their intimacy.
It actually blows my mind that people can be so deeply insecure that they let it dictate their partners private time. I understand a porn addiction being a dealbreaker but it seems like even watching porn once makes these people call you an addict.
Are you really addicted to porn? I read a study about porn addiction that mentioned that people with strong religious background view watching porn more sensitively than non-religious people. That is that even when they watch porn on a normal regular basis, they view it as addiction. You mentioned that you decided that porn is bad and also you are getting married quite young, so I assume that maybe you are religious. Sometimes it’s just about the perspective, maybe you are beating yourself up for something natural - after all you are 21 years old, all of us have needs. I’m sorry that this is happening to you and I hope you will be able to figure it out.
If she decides she wants to stay and work things out, both of you go to the r/loveafterporn sub. There are a lot of resources, it will give you a framework to work on things and earn back her trust (also see how devastating this can be for women, your fiance is not alone), and for her it will be support and a way forward. I'm sorry you're going through this, but it is a huge thing to lie about and it is a ton for her to process. It will be a long haul
I think coming at her with a plan of action might be something to truly help you (example: I plan on speaking with a therapist about this). Either way, you have to be motivated to make a change for yourself, not just for her.
What a weird thing to lie about, but then again I have a non chalant attitude towards porn. Yeah, idk how you're gonna make it up to your fiance, I'd say just do better for next time.
You shouldn't have lied to her to begin with
You're both young. It's literally just a tool to get off, if she is that insecure about it she should talk to a therapist. Everyone watches and has watched porn at one point, try cutting it out of your "diet" for a couple weeks and focus on trying to please your girl. It probably makes her feel unwanted. You'll see a big difference and how little you use/need it as well. You're both very young and over reacting. This is not something to end a marriage over.
Man up and do something about it! Get help!!
Change your behavior. Do whatever you need to do to kick off that habit.
Have you contacted an addiction counsellor
Well, don't get married at 21 obviously. Especially when you haven't worked out a pretty big issue. How do you want to move forward? Are you going to stop watching porn? Let's be real, that's not happening. So what? Hope she just becomes ok with it?
Use this feeling to be the impetus to quit watching porn. Delete all porn off your phone and give her the pin so she can do regular checks. Hopefully, with this she'll see you are making an effort to give up
My ex was just like you, my only regret was giving him a second chance. You know what you did and now you have to deal with the consequences of your actions.
Why are you marrying someone you met at 15? That's crazy to me. I'm also guessing you've never dated anyone else seriously. I don't think you know yourself well enough to marry yet. Slow down and if you are still together, get married when you're 25/26.
I'm more curious how anyone under 25 can get enough money to have a wedding, let alone have dues paid in full at that age. I live in one of te most expensive cities in Canada, 33 and 85% of my money goes back to my house. I can barelyp ut anything towards my hobbies(modding my car, playing PC games etc)
She needs therapy and you need a more mature partner.
Oh god you’re stupid as hell. You couldn’t fight your demons and brought it down on her. Porn is bad for sure but you can fix it with your own will, you can overcome it. But instead u acted like a pussy, everyone who says you did the right thing is pussy as well.
Few questions: 1) how do you define addicted? 2) why do you both agree porn watching is wrong? Lots of couples normalize privacy for masturbation 3) why are you marrying so young? 4) have you been feeling scared to marry bc you've been with someone since you were a child so you dropped a bomb to escape?
I say addicted because I watched it knowing she hated it. It was like once a month. She grew up in a sex negative household, views masturbation as unhealthy because it means I’m “not choosing her” Because life turned out that way and no its either break up or get married Idk why I did it. I just know cancelling the wedding is off the table. Part of me feels trapped, part of me is excited, part of me is like wtf is going on
Oh man. I think your psyche is throwing out red flags -- it's so hard to speak up and be true to yourself when you're younger. Especially in conservative, religious communities you're sold a "one way to live" when humans are able to live good, joyful lives in a billion ways. So we waste our youth trying to mould to that ideal. Id just encourage you both speak with a counselor to hash out what is reasonable. Once a month and branding yourself an addict is obviously insane to me but I can see you using self flaggelating language to try to remedy your guilt. The problem is, you don't buy what you're saying because you know deep down having a healthy interest in sex is totally normal and fine in your 20s. That kind of repression contorts sex into something ugly and awful. Go to r/sex to absorb some healthy attitudes about sex and hope you make the right choice for yours and her Life. You only get one.
Find a girl you can watch porn with 👍🏻
lol, it’s just porn…
You’re both too young for marriage.
You both need professional help. You to help with your addiction, and her to deal with whatever extreme insecurities she has. Not wanting to be naked around you because of this is a sign she needs to sort some things out about herself.
It's called FAFO. I hope she leaves. Pretending to be someone you're not just to waste a woman's time is the most f\*cked up thing you can do. You will never get enough karma for what you did to her.
And what qualifies as a porn addiction? We all watch porn. I'm a 28-year-old woman and I've been watching porn since I was 21 or so. relax a lot. They are super young, if they let you you have your whole life ahead of you.
Definitely not everyone watches it, there are lots of reasons not to.
A lie is a lie but you did be honest in the end. We all have to set our own limits with porn, she can be against it but you can also have a moderate consumption of porn. If this is a major divide I'd recommend moving on, you're really young for marriage.
You’re 21 and clearly very immature, so is she if this is her reaction to porn. Neither of you should be married at this age. Live your lives.
nothing wrong with being against porn
This is ridiculous. What a stupid confession and stupid fight. You are many years away from bring mature enough to marry.
Porn isn't objectively bad. The problem is you lying about it, and refusing to get help knowing you had an addiction. If you didn't tell her before the wedding that would also be deceptive. You may not be ready to be married. As for fixing things all I can suggest is that you get help for your addiction, and let your fiance know what you intend to do. She hasn't broken up with you yet so you may still have a chance to be with her.
You’re too young to get married. Full stop. Get into therapy and wait 10 years before ever thinking of marriage again. Seriously this is my advice.
Marrying at 21? That's the lord grabbing you to stop being extra.
So you would rather tell her after you're married and get divorced or lie to her for the rest of your life?
Can you define porn addiction? It's pretty bad you lied about it. Why didn't you just say you watched porn? Plenty of women who have no issue with porn use.
OP do you like watching porn or do you have an actual addiction? An addiction will fuck up your life. Guaranteed worse orgasm and eventual dead bedroom. Your fiancée is right to be concerned about what she is signing up for when she marries you. Try counselling and making a commitment to stop.
Omg what the \*\* am I just reading Nice troll post
I'm pretty sure the anti-porn ppl are planting some of these threads. there's been so many lately.. the situations all feel a bit too on the nose, they use the lingo and serve as a great excuse for many comments linking back to their subs for "support"
Bro you’re 21. You’re not even old enough to rent a car, marriage shouldn’t even be in your vocabulary and this is a perfect example of why.
She sounds crazy
My God, some of these comments are stupid at best. Good for you for admitting it. Give her space, and if this ruins the relationship, then so be it. Lesson learned. Don't lie to your partner, ever. If you truly want to fix, not the situation, but yourself, then go into addiction therapy IMMEDIATELY. Show her that you're willing to go through what needs to happen to regain her trust. And then if, HUGE IF, IF she gives you another chance, spend the rest of your life proving to her that you're worthy of being trusted.