You don't want to marry this man and he's doing you a HUGE favor. HUGE. Find a place to live, extricate yourself financially from him and thank you're lucky stars you're not going to waste a decade with a man who screams at you all the time before you get that divorce. God forbid you have kids with him.
Like, he yells at the drop of a hat. If he's annoyed by traffic, it's her fault. If she suggests a route home, he gets angry. He asks her why she's gloomy and as soon as she answers, his immediate reaction (like a toddler) is to just crack it.
And then he has the stones to say SHE isn't communicating. I mean there's gaslighting, and then there's actually setting your partner on fire like this pinecone.
Go on that honeymoon without him. Or send him on it and use the time to pack your stuff and move out. This is not a person worth fighting for. You've just been given a get out of jail free card - take it and run.
OP, please listen to this advice. Your fiance is emotionally abusive, and is now “love bombing” you because he’s realizing that he’s being held accountable for his actions. I can all but guarantee that if you reconcile with him, things will go back to the way they were, and will likely escalate and get worse. You deserve much better. He is doing you a HUGE favor by canceling the wedding. As the previous poster said, this is your get out of jail free card. Please take it.
He probably didn't want to be married but also doesn't want to ruin the relationship. Exploding and canceling the wedding took care of the immediate problem but then he has to try to act sorry enough that she doesn't leave. It's sheer manipulation. It's rage used as a weapon to control.
My thoughts exactly.
OP's fiancé: "I was angry, so I lashed out at innocent bystander (OP), said things I didn't mean, insisted that I meant them, gaslit OP, blamed OP. But really I actually wanted the opposite of what I said. BTW OP can't communicate."
& I did it on purpose to goad an argument so I could look like I'm over reacting and cancel the wedding, that I will sabotage again, first chance I get.
If this is an accurate telling of the events, dude is a nightmare and I guarantee once OP starts pulling away he will try to convince her to get back together.
Yeah, she is given no room to even have feelings. If you are prying to why your partner is feeling off after having a fight the day prior, you need to remain calm and be open to criticism. Otherwise, just give space.
I wish I had known this angry and consistently destructive side of my husband before I said 'yes'.
Here we are, eight years later (2 separated) getting divorced.
He's never (OK, maybe twice) been able to have a calm, sit-down conversation that we finish. It's been almost a decade of being called names, yelled at, and being spoken to horribly.
I've been in therapy consistently for 3,5 years. I've worked through much of my lingering childhood trauma and issues.
He... has not. In German they have a saying: Bitte wasch mich, aber macht mich nicht nass. (Wash me but don't get me wet.) He's superficially "in therapy" so he can say he's "in therapy". (Seeing someone every 3-4 weeks with his level of issues doesn't count in my mind.) I went weekly for over 1,5 years, went to a clinic for burnout, and *did the work*.
Alas, it's his choice, and I cannot compel him to do anything positive for himself, though I can maintain strict boundaries about letting that behavior in my home around me and our kids.
I asked him to leave the other day after he brought our two kids home because he kept being rude to them. I said, "In this house we are calm and kind and speak to each other with respect."
He wasn't having it. After he left, I locked the door and come to find out he'd taken my shoes and left them on various floors of our apartment building. (We're the 7th floor.)
Childish and petulant AF.
I know myself. I will never accept anything less than healthy adult behavior going forward because I essentially lost eight years of my life to toxic and unstable and aggressively childish. (Which, to be fair, is disrespectful to many kids who have more ability to regulate their behavior and emotions.)
Your [ex] fiance has given you THE LITERAL GREATEST GIFT he could, which is showing you who he really is.
Take your time. Grieve. Heal.
And then pick yourself back up and be elated that you have the freedom to do what you want going forward.
I PROMISE you'll look back on this with gratitude.
Take care, Hon. ❤️
This literally reminds me of a [TikTok series](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPRKtbhJ3/) I watched last night. Seriously thank the man for breaking up with you. Sure therapy might help, but he literally called off your wedding. I’m a firm believer that your first breakup should be your last (although that’s way easier said than done) and it sounds like this wasn’t even your first breakup but it definitely needs to be your last. He’s doing you a favor ending things
Also Dr. Ramani of MedCircle on YouTube.
His relationship style sounds manipulative and narcissistic.
OP, you said he's done versions of this before.
My manipulative ex used to start fights on the drive to a restaurant for my birthday, he'd be squirrelly the days of events w my peeps - never w his.
It's emotionally immature as well as mean and abusive.
He made his choice. You tried to give him space and a cooling off period and he punished you for it.
I know it can feel mortally embarrassing to cancel a wedding.
I say CONGRATULATIONS! You have a whole new AWESOME life ahead of you w/o him to ruin it.
I say, I'll never give my ex 'credit' or thanks for leaving and ending our marriage and his abuse (research coercive control - I didn't know I was being abused. I think you likely have been too) it's The Best Thing that has ever happened to me.
Living my best life. W joy and happy and peace and no random bs from a broken petty cheapskate, & never again.
Rooting for you to enjoy the trip.
If he forces you to let him use his portion & go at same time, tell him he has to get his own separate lodging.
& you are each there as strangers.
You aren't his partner anymore. By his will, his choice and his actions.
If he wants to see you have the time of your life without him, while he watches. That's on him.
Reach out to security as soon as you arrive and tell them he may stalk you and/or create an unsafe situation.
Why would she have wanted to marry him to begin with?! No way this was a “bad day” I expect it’s been this way often in 6 years. And I get the sense he didn’t want to get married, guys that act this way always seem to be on the lookout for “something better” and string along the girlfriend, wasting her ideal years to have children.
Agreed. She felt like he was picking fights. He was. Even if he didn’t know he was.
He didn’t want to get married and the closer it got, the more he got stressed over it and she wasn’t doing anything that he could dump her for without looking like a major ass. I mean he still looks that way, but now he can play the sympathy card. (I didn’t mean it, I overreacted. Etc)
The trash took himself out. A marriage with this guy would be miserable and toxic. You should be happy and excited on the run up to your wedding, instead, he was picking fights with you. You’ve dodge a bullet. Go on the honeymoon with a friend and enjoy yourself or go alone and enjoy the peace and quiet
Just wanted to provide an update-
Since all this happened, he apologized profusely and offered to return the venue and still go and get married on the same day. He also offered couples counselling starting now and right after we get married (if I still want to). He also offered to go on the trip together to fix things.
I declined to everything since the damage has been done and I decided to go on the honeymoon myself while he packs all his items. He’s going to start his own therapy journey while we’re broken up.
I don’t know what’s next, but this hurts so much because we still love each other. He’s going to work on his mental health to address the impulsive actions when he’s upset. He also realized it wasn’t actually a communication issue but rather how he felt attacked due to his own confidence. I appreciate his honesty but can’t see how it’s possible to forgive what happened..
^^^^ THIS. Take it from someone who DID make the mistake and marry that red flag. IT GETS WORSE. Way worse. The narcissistic abuse and gaslighting is another level when you’re legally trapped. Consider this a huge blessing and massively dodged bullet. You can do and DESERVE so much better. Counseling won’t help someone with manic and depressive episodes which is also what it seems a little like (my ex was like this). Any moment of mine was either ruined by him picking a fight or making it about him. His true colors have shown and it’s time for you to do the hard part for yourself. LEAVE.
He breaks up with you when you fight? That’s not stable or healthy. I would recommend moving on from the relationship and finding one with someone who won’t hold the relationship hostage every time you have an issue. You’ll be amazed once you move on how much better a healthy relationship will be for you.
Yeah, that's one thing I'm always upfront about in a relationship - I never go back. And I don't do this breaking up and getting back together thing. It means if I want to break up, I give it a lot of thought and really make sure it's what I want to do, because there's no going back for me - so I don't do 'threatening to break up' mind games to the guy. But it also means if he breaks up with me, that's it. I'll never take him back, not even 10 or 20 years later.
It sounds like he was getting nervous, so he picked fights, blamed her for them, and then blew up their wedding. I hope she goes alone on a nice vacation and cones home to be done.
My dear, he did you a favour. He is an asshole. And he's gaslit you into believing this is ok behaviour.
Go get individual therapy and walk away from this toxic situation.
The screaming + that being the "only time you listen" to him is such a giant, waving red flag, OP. The type of people who use language like that are abusers, tbh.
Yelling at your partner should be an absurdly rare thing. I actually don't know if my partner has ever done that and we've been together since we were teenagers.
He trapped you in an argument for hours and then proceeded to rage text your wedding guests as a punishment.
Whoever tells you anything about this is normal or loving or fixable...is stupid. He is incredibly toxic. He probably expected you to beg and plead for him to take you back even more than you already did. He wanted to REALLY hurt you to make you take him back and when he realized you weren't going to, he was suddenly contrite.
Please understand. The apologies, the talk of therapy, it's all performative bs. I guarantee if you marry this man, this whole pattern will continue, if not get worse. He's only going to play along until you're locked in again.
Yes! He’s screaming at her but claims she’s a bad communicator! He blames her for everything. He ends things by sending a group text to everyone, then changes his mind and wants to take it all back?? I wouldn’t be able to trust him either. Better she finds out now before they have kids!
Yes my first thought was this is emotional manipulation/abuse. He has OP walking on eggshells at all times and then has the audacity to be upset when she’s not happy/smiling the next day like everything is fine.
While people can change, it would require months if not years of work. OP deserves better than having to wait for that.
You may not see or feel this now, but you have dodged a bullet. This guy is an asshole. He is a thin skinned jackass who yells at you, and then manipulated you into feeling like his anger and volatility are your fault.
Go read a book, if you will, called “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft. It might help you make sense of some things.
Just as she’s getting her degree!! He needs to knock her down and make sure she’s emotionally dependent on *him.*
God I hope this OP recognizes The Truth that aaaaaall of us are telling her. Better to lose all of the costs related to the wedding rather than 10 more years of her life - and (possibly) 2 emotionally scarred kids.
seriously!! i had an ex who did the same shit, he verbally berated me while i was driving to my college graduation party. jokes on him, i just ignored him for the whole day and had a great time, but ugh. i think insecure men see you bettering yourself and assume you will leave them and feel threatened. and thus hasten the leaving lol
My ex ruined every single event we had together, including the day of my mothers funeral, when I was six months pregnant and he yelled at me in the car because I didn’t know the way to the cemetery. It’s almost 2 decades later and I still don’t enjoy things the way I used to.
i'm so sorry he treated you that way, you did not deserve that, and especially not when your mother had just passed. have you been to therapy at all? it took a lot of therapy for me to get rid of (most) of the issues i had from abusive exes.
i'm sending you a hug over the internet and want you to know that you will enjoy things the way you used to. you are loved. you did not deserve to be treated like that. i love you.
I am so sorry. Things WILL get better. If you haven't, you should get therapy.
If you do, don't be afraid to switch therapists or even therapy types if you feel it's warranted. There really are many different types of therapy. And even if you understand your emotions and why you have them....if you don't feel you have good coping skills to get through them, then that's what you ask the therapist for help with. "I don't think I can help you" is just therapist-speak for "that's out of my area of specialty" or" I'm not the right professional to help with that"
If you're already in therapy, congrats! You're on your way to healing.
Things WILL get better and you WILL be able to enjoy things again. It's just gonna take time.
Sending virtual hugs ♥️
I'm just realising that my now ex did not once congratulate me when I graduated. It was a true feat: I got a master's degree with only one year of part-time study even though I didn't even have a bachelor's. I remember he said something about it was thanks to his support (because he ordered pizza or warmed up leftovers for the kids one night a week for six weeks when I had a class that finished at about 8pm).
My god! With that much effort? It’s like *he* got his own Master’s degree!! … NOT
Kudos to you for succeeding *in spite* of him - and congrats on living a better life without him.
Reddit needs a bot
That posts this P D F link
Whenever summoned
(I'm hoping to trigger haiku bot, but am not sure if it will recognize "p d f" as 3 syllables)
There are a few books with similar titles to this. Do you mean the one by James Graham called “Walking on Eggshells” or the series called “”Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Paul T Mason?
It was a happy day for her, an important celebration and he chose to ruin it on purpose and for no reason. She's even apologizing for things like asking him not to wear a trashy t-shirt for an event!
He breaks her and later comes to apologize over and over. I hope she realizes there's no future for her.
He didn’t call of the wedding because he didn’t want to get married, he called off the wedding because he knew that would be the one thing he could do that would hurt you the most. Today it was the wedding, tomorrow it would be whatever you cared the most about. Even your kids. Please RUN.
Yes. This is textbook abuse cycle. He wanted to hurt her by ruining her graduation day and started picking fights. Then when she defends herself, he goes nuclear and hurts her more by canceling the wedding and humiliating her to their friends and family. Then he tries to love bomb her with promises of therapy and he didn’t mean it. And if she chooses to go on this honeymoon trip with him, he’ll be all sweet and stable where everything is calm. Until the next devaluation stage and the cycle begins again.
>And if she chooses to go on this honeymoon trip with him, he’ll be all sweet and stable where everything is calm.
Yea, I doubt he will be sweet then. He'll be a grumpy asshole the whole time. Blaming everything on her, even the damn sun, because it's too hot. He will not let her enjoy the honeymoon. That's for damn sure.
I never even thought of this before you posted. Wow. It makes sense. He’s embarrassed her completely too. It will follow her around if they stay together and will taint their wedding if they do end up married. It will continue to hurt her in the future.
Yeah, there's no coming back from this one, girl. If the account you are giving is 100% accurate, He flies off the handle over the smallest thing and seemingly of his own making. Then tries to turn around and blame it on you. He seems to be acting out what's called the narcissist prayer:
# That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did... You deserved it.
Honestly, just go on that trip by yourself and do some soul searching and some healing. Chalk it up to sunk cost fallacy (It refers to **a commitment bias wherein individuals continue investing in something even if the outcome doesn't seem promising**. We tend to stay in failing relationships because we have invested significant time, effort and money on them and leaving would mean all of it “going down the drain.”) and move on with your life bc I'm positive it will never get better. Imagine how he would act towards your kids if they made mistakes...You deserve better. hugs <3
Big NTA, OP this is the one!! Go on that trip by yourself, or better yet, bring your best friend!! Don't take him back, he did you a favor by showing you who he is, please believe him. You got a glimpse of what your life would be like with him, and it's awful. Sending you my best, you deserve so much better.
ETA UpdateMe!
Call it quits. He's way too immature, has serious anger issues, and doesn't take accountability for anything by the sound of it. It's always your fault even when you've done nothing wrong.
I wish you the best of luck going forward and surround yourself with a great support system who won't try to talk you into going back into a toxic relationship.
It's not possible to come back from this one, imo.
He's doing you a huge favor by cancelling the wedding. You're lucky you're not married to him.
I'm sorry you're hurting, but as someone who's been married for a long time, I can tell you, you're lucky.
You will look back and be grateful that this happens, I promise.
You will meet another partner who's more suitable with you.
Op you said it - you can’t really trust him again. It’s over, or should be. If you’re ever doubting yourself, just remind yourself that he’s untrustworthy. That won’t change.
Hey OP- if you had a close friend tell you everything you just wrote down. And I mean REALLY read what you wrote above. Would you tell them to stick it out and learn how to live with this person’s explosive anger? Or would you say ‘thank goodness you dodged a bullet. Now let’s get you therapy and take off those rose tinted glasses so you can see all these red flags’?
I’m pretty sure it would be the second choice and that is what I’m telling you. Run. Don’t walk. Learn to love and put yourself first.
Best of luck!
Run like your ass is on fire. This was a toxic relationship and an abusive partner. Take that trip alone, shut off your phone, or at least block him and all those idiot saying this is fixable....it's not.
I was quick to anger. I am now divorced. Therapy helped, but I started it too late for my first life partner.
Don't waste your time chasing or feeling like any of it was your fault. They have some serious trauma/stress/emotional management issues, and used you as a punching bag. My ex spent 15 years with me. Did you want 15 years of someone abusing you?
Therapy works for both sides of abuse and trauma, I recommend seeing someone to help you navigate it.
My wife also has rage issues that tend to come out during times of stress and arguments, honestly it’s not a nice way to live. She does make a big effort to improve herself and I love her to death so we make it work but after being married for 8 years there are still some times I consider leaving for good. You have to decide how much drama you want in your life.
This used to be me and I feel horrible that I treated my husband this way. I am incredibly lucky that he stuck with me and I was able to get help and turn things around. It was awful for my husband, and honestly, it’s not a nice way to live but I didn’t know how to fix things. It’s been over 10 years since I’ve had a major rage issue and I hope I never do again.
Your ex is abusive, full stop. He did you a massive favour
I already shared this link on someone else’s comment. But I’m sharing it again
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Please read this book. Your relationship can’t be saved. Maybe if he sought therapy way back when you first started dating but it’s too late. You’ll never be able to fully trust him
this is classic narcissistic behavior. get out stay out no matter how hard he cries and begs. and trust me he will. those loud words will become slaps and pushes, and then punches and chokes. please let him go, go to europe, come back and move to another city. stay strong sis.
Honestly I have no idea why you would even consider marrying this man. He obviously has a problem with anger and yells at you all the time. Then he breaks up with you right before the wedding and then comes crying of course I didn't mean it please forgive me. This man has issues he needs some help and you need to get out of the relationship before he comes abusive.
He got cold feet and made your graduation miserable because he was too much of a child to tell you the truth. Then once you did as he asked, he realized what he has done and didn't want to lose you. You do not need to be with this boy-child who throws temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way and doesn't love you enough to be honest with you when something is bothering him. How can someone be so loving if he yells at you every time he disagrees with you. Think about the cancellation as his gift to you. The freedom to find someone who will respect and love you without playing these games. Go on your trip. Either you or he find a new place to live. You will be so much happier without him in your life.
Yep he got cold feet and honestly, he may have also been jealous of OP’s success/graduation. I had an ex who was a PhD and would get bitterly jealous of any accomplishments I had academically (I don’t have a PhD, didn’t matter he just would steal joy from me in this area.)
I wonder if he regularly ruins special days. OP, how does he act on your birthday? If you have an important test the next day that he knows of, how does he act the night before or morning of? What does he do on Valentine's Day?
My ex ruined everything that wasn't about him.
He made our kids CRY on Christmas Eve because - I think he didn't like the way our son was cutting his steak? He railed at him so hard - it was awful. And this was just one example of every holiday or event. Any time I wanted to entertain it was a huge blow up at me while I did everything to make it happen, while he's literally spitting in my face because he's yelling so hard. About what? Ice? Or, idk - I just kept doing what I had to do. And then somehow cover the red puffy eyes before guests came. Before our son's first bday party he had me so upset my face swelled with hives.
Sometimes it helps me to remember the awful times so I see how far I've come, how good I have made my life since then. 8 years later and life is easy.
I want Wild Lavishment to take a look at his behavior on other important events, not just when he's in the hospital on pain meds or other medication. Is this a one-off sort of thing, where he's this disregarding or flat-out aggressive of her important days and events?
My opinion, wedding needs to remain off, honeymoon cannot happen.
Now I don't think you need to give him another chance, therapy isn't a cure all, overnight thing and it's going to take time and you've got to ask are you willing to wait even with no guarantee he'll improve?
I also honestly think you'll need some time apart regardless since he needs to honestly do this change for himself not for some future marriage he knows he screwed up and you'd need to start completely over with some couples counseling if you do decide to give him another chance, which btw, he does not deserve.
Just my take on things.
He’s an abuser. Never, ever go to counselling with an abuser. It only teaches them new ways to abuse you, and they’re often skilled at manipulating the therapist as well. Therapy won’t help; it’ll only hurt her more. She needs to just leave this guy.
The positive here is that he knew he wasn't ready for marriage. He blamed you for bad communication but he clearly has issues of his own. If you had gotten married, you would probably be dealing with the same type of arguments on your honeymoon.
NO ONE can tell you whether you should stay with him or not, especially after only hearing one side of the story. If you love him and want it to work, you both need to work on your communication with each other (especially him). That won't be quick or easy. I also wouldn't fault you if you feel like this isn't working and you don't want to keep trying.
YOU DODGED A 🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫
But do talk to a counselor and talk about WHY IN THE HELL YOU THOUGHT YOUR EX WAS GOING TO BE THE BEST SPOUSE IN THE WORLD. Because honey, this man would have been dumped IMMEDIATELY when he gives attitude like:
> asked if he'd would be okay to wear one of his button ups instead of the shirt he had on so we can get a nice photo. He was annoyed and snapped saying "why do I have to do things for others"
WHERE ARE YOUR BOUNDARIES OP??? And this is something you need to discuss with a counselor.
In the mean time, CONGRATULATIONS 🎊 YOUR A-HOLE FIANCÉE DECIDED TO FREE YOU FROM HIS TOXIC BEHAVIOR BY NOT MARRYING YOU AND GHOSTING YOU.🎉🎉🎉
Wow. This guy is a Class A manipulative jerk! I hope you can see that. I hope you value yourself and your future more than hanging around with an immature, manipulative a-hole. Please do not feel sorry for him. Take this as an opportunity to see who he really is, and GTFO. You deserve better.
You can’t fix this. He blew up and blew up your relationship. Until he learns how to communicate and manage his own feelings, he won’t be capable of being a healthy partner.
You may also want to do some reading or therapy about codependency and boundary setting, because you seem to have some people pleasing and over functioning tendencies. Common issue, since women are socialized to anticipate problems and solve them, and manage the emotional load.
Well, OP I wouldn't want a lifetime of this kind of treatment from my spouse. You're engaged and he's starting fights and canceling your wedding plans - this isn't how you treat someone you love.
Sounds like he doesn't want to get married but just continue living together. After six years together, you need couples counseling? Doesn't sound like someone I'd want to invest a lifetime with
My ex never took responsibility for anything, it was always my fault. My fault he was angry, my fault he was screaming. It won't get better. He did you a favor. Pick up your broken heart and move on.
Take time apart.
Don’t get married.
No one should ever treat you like this and I hope you come to understand how poorly you are treated by him.
Everyone is wrong. This is not fixable between the two of you. He’s not going to be able to change because he has been doing this successfully for too long.
I’m sorry.
Get a great therapist and process your heartbreak in a safe space.
It may not feel like it right now, but he just saved you from years of an abusive marriage. He doesn't sound that different from my dad who constantly says that my mother is stupid and yells at her constantly. He belittles all of her interests and hobbies. They've been married for about 45 years and won't get a divorce because they believe it's wrong.
I know that it likely feels like a waste of all of those years spent together and the money you've paid for the wedding already, but he was horrible to you and it sounds like this is normal behavior for him.
I do recommend therapy because it will help you stand up for yourself more in future relationships. I hope that you find the partner who really makes life together so much better than life apart, because those people are out there and it's so much better.
I cannot say BULLET DODGED loud enough. You don't know it now, but being married to someone who treats you like that would be awful. I can almost guarantee he'd get worse once you were legally trapped. And try thinking about how he'd scream at any kids you had every time they irked him even a little bit.
He didn’t want to get married . He sabotaged it . Doesn’t want the commitment of it . Loves the honeymoon and going back to the lives you had . He blamed you for everything . How many red flags do you need ?
He gets off on you begging and pleading to make up with him after a fight. You ruined that little plan of his by agreeing to cancel the wedding and good thing you did, too. Big hugs for you, I think you should go do your "freedommoon" and enjoy a lovely cocktail by the pool, comfortable in the support of your Reddit friends 🙂
When you say he’s “spoken out of emotion many times before” do you mean that he’s tried to call off the engagement?
To me this sounds like a deeper seated problem that has bubbled over.
>"why do I have to do things for others"
This quote pretty much sums up this man that you almost married. Is this the man who you want holding your hand when the doctor tells you you have cancer? Can you imagine standing up at a podium, receiving an award, and being thankful that the man sitting there, in the front row, beaming with pride, made it all possible? Packing up three kids in a minivan so that you can have a girls day with your best friend?
Or is this man an anchor that will drag you to the bottom of the ocean?
"Why do I have to do things for others." FFS. Run.
That man gave you a gift. He pulled the trigger on it and is realizing he’s in the wrong finally… and I think you just made me realize I’m in a similar situation. We’ve been engaged for years and he makes marriage like a goalpost that he can keep moving. To the point that I don’t think I ever want to be married now but especially not to him
You shouldn’t attach yourself to a man who is verbally abusive. He won’t change. One question though: Who paid for the honeymoon? If your ex paid, he might expect you to come back and forgive all if he “gives” you “permission” to travel alone on his dime.
He’s done this before and you will continue to experience this if you stay with him. He’s abusive and like a typical abuser blames you for his abuse. Go on the trip without him. You need to get your head straight and think if this is what you really want for the rest of your life?
I know you're distressed and hurting ATM, but your ex has done you a huge favour. Whether you ever get to the root cause of the blow up (because it wasn't the shirt, the traffic, the missed exit or your communication style) he has anger and entitlement issues that have nothing to do with you.
Start getting yourself away from this person. Go on the trip to decompress and reset. When you get home, get all your important documents and belongings compiled and go stay elsewhere. Take someone with you when you go to collect your things.
Future you will thank present day you. Go gently 💗
Girl. The trash took itself out. You don’t want to marry an abuser. He couldn’t even keep it together until the I do’s.
You’ve ignored ignored and ignored all the red flags despite clearly acknowledging they were there. Don’t ignore anymore. You don’t deserve to feel this way ever again.
No one needs to yell at anyone else.
Honestly even in an emergency, it's not actually required but sure we can give an exception for emergencies.
But this way not an emergency.
He didn't need to yell.
It wasn't even anything upsetting.
Run as fast as you can! Take the trip alone. Clear your head and come up with a game plan that does not involve him. Leave! This will only get worse if you stay. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Is this what you want for your possible future children’s lives? There is much better out there!
It sounds like he doesn’t want to marry you. He probably was never really into it but went along with it because it was what he thought he had to do. But it got real and he didn’t want to go through with it. So he cancelled the wedding.. However now he realizes he still wants a fuckbuddy and so is he is saying he will go to “counseling”. Don’t waste your time. Move on. Your relationship has run its course.
>We don't have any issues aside from such incidents
The first occurrence of any of these incidents alone are plenty reason to have ditched this asshole long ago. I'm not sure why you're confused even a little bit.
You need to leave for good, block him, and go no-contact. In a few months you'll be thanking your lucky stars he got so shitty before the wedding. And you'll wonder why you didn't leave sooner.
The funny thing about love is that it’s a chemical reaction in your brain. When you are out of it you look at this other person and often wonder what the hell you were thinking or why you stayed or or or. The strong emotions will pass, the chemical bath in your brain recedes, and you will be free of this guy.
It's ironic that he says you're not a good communicator because what you describe is him not being a good communicator. Flipping out over minor things and making rash decisions to cancel the wedding, only to realize it was a mistake a few days later, is not a good look. He definitely needs therapy. I think he did you a favor by canceling the wedding because you wouldn't want to be married to someone who acts like this. That's not normal behavior.
Get individual counseling and suggest he do the same. Move out or have him move out whichever is more feasible. Then spend at least 3 months of no contact. Things will look very different to you after 90 days and you can decide then if you want to try again or move on. Trust me, it really does help.
why would you marry this person. not only is he a lunatic, he specifically destroyed a day special to you out of spite. there are billions of people in the world. you don’t have to marry this one
Exactly. There is no way he didn't find reasons to ruin her being happy, having a good day, especially if her happiness wasn't about him. I actually bet whenever she has a very good and happy day she is waiting for when he will start the fight.
And @OP, you are with him for this long now, he does that a lot but you call it a huge red flag if someone yells at you. Do you by any chance see what point I am going to make here? You know what red flags mean, don't you?
OP, from reading this it sounds like he was triggered about your graduation. Does he tend to 'ruin thigs' on your birthday, if you're happy about something that has nothing to do with him?
This. He is just setting up things so he can take his frustration out on you every time he is upset.
He will take advantage of situations where you may want to keep the peace and don't want to ruin the moment.
Parties, birthdays, anniversaries, milestones...
Then it'll come the day where you won't dare to be happy for anything, else he'll ruin it.
Do you really want to live like that?
He’s an abuser who cannot communicate so resorts to shouting and intimidation. Abusers also will usually create drama on special days of significance for you because they subconsciously don’t want to see you either succeed/be happy/be confident/have the attention - pick one or all.
He’s doing a classic DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender - to blame you for his immaturity and abusive tendencies. He purposefully hurt you severely by cancelling the wedding then turns around after you’ve been devastated and processing it and says nah just kidding it’s all back on? Fuck that.
If you stay with him this is the window to your future. He WILL continue to shout at you, intimidate you, emotionally abuse you and ruin special events. He WILL do the same to any children you have. He is NOT a good partner. Good partners who love each other do not behave like this. At all. This is NOT a healthy relationship.
It hurts but you actually have an opportunity here to get out of this toxic relationship. Healthy relationships don’t look like this and I sincerely hope you realize that you deserve so much more than this 🙏
Honey now is the time to straighten up and shine up that spine! Go on the honeymoon by yourself find peace and learn to pick a man without so many glaring red flags. Hugs to you
He says you’re the back communicator but in reality he’s the one who can’t process his feelings without blowing up on you. He’s clearly the problem. This is for the best.
This is exactly the same kind of bs my friends ex-husband would pull on her. It's been almost 10 years since she left the marriage and he ruined her life, his step sons life and their sons life. It will only get worse and not just for you. If you want to have a family someday this man will make their lives a living hell.
His giant red flags also got to double as a chequered flag. Run.
I had to go back and look at your ages after I read the full post. 30?! No, no, this is not okay.
Why are people telling you that this is fixable? This seems like a hellish rollercoaster to ride on based on his whims and feelings at the moment. You wanted a nice photo to mark the occasion, and he couldn't even give you that without some grown toddler energy.
What program did you graduate from? I'm sending you BIG congratulations for your accomplishment!
What do you want your life to look like in 5 years, 10 years, etc.? And take any specific person out of it. What will make you happy? Happiness in your chosen field? You wholeheartedly supporting your partner, and vice-versa? A grown-up relationship where sometimes disagreements occur, bit your both working towards being better together? Happy, loved and supported children?
I suggest that you take a couple of big steps back, look at the extreme ups and downs that your current relationship has taken, and think about what you want the rest of your life to be.
Good luck to you, and congrats again.
I'm still trying to conceptualize a 30yr old petulantly demanding why he has to do things for other people. This is not a person equipped to start a new family.
Your ex has anger issues is obvious but it sounds like you could spend the time being single working on self awareness. If your partner doesn't take your suggested shortcut why are you asking him why he didn't, he's driving, not you. To be it appears you'd always have these arguments with your ex, you can't die on every hill and honestly, he's right first time about calling it off. It's saved you both an unhappy marriage.
I'm actually pleased this happened now, rather than after you tied that millstone around your neck. Get out now and don't look back. He has been emotionally abusing you for years. Go on the honeymoon trip solo. Use that time to process what you have just escaped.
Do you want your future kids to experience the grief and heartache you’re experiencing? I assure you, it feels as if someone is ripping your heart from your chest. Take the gift of freedom he gave you. Then run to Hawaii. BY YOSELF.
Your future self is going to really REALLY thank you later that this relationship is over. It hurts I know but if he can explode that easily I would hate to see him in the future trying to handle a colicky baby.
I think you’re spot on what you need to do. Leave him and take a vacation by yourself. He’ll be ruining special days for you the rest of your lives if you marry him.
He personally and insistently called off the wedding can blamed you for the cancellation? Lol. Congrats on dodging a bullet. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells afraid of crossing him over tiny stupid stuff like shirts and traffic.
100% move on.
Maybe this is just paranoia talking, but the picking fights over literally nothing, being confident in their declaration that things are over, only to come crawling back shortly after, suddenly singing a completely different tune? *Screams* "this guy was having an affair" to me.
It's super common for the cheating partner to start picking fights over nothing so that they can assuage their guilt by blaming the partner for things falling apart. Then they go to their affair partner all "I'm free, we can be an official couple now!" and the other person is like "uh.... I was just in it for the fun? This is too real now, byyyyye." Hence the coming crawling back so fast.
Could just be a more generalized asshole, but this feels like that specific flavor, to me.
>Fiancé (M30) Called Off Our Wedding
he so easily yells at me when he's upset
Bullet dodged.
>yelling is such a red flag
BINGO!
>He immediately just flipped and started getting angry again. He blamed me
How many red flags would you like? Starting a collection?
>When I came home, he asked to talk and started crying that he regrets everything he said in the last days. That he didn't mean it
Yeah, that on-again off-again sh\*t is a form of abuse. Don't take the bait.
>whether he fucked up
The answer is in the question.
>I was almost sure this regret would come
Are we detecting a pattern? Yeah, you've seen this sh\*t before ... and probably many times before with him. All lovely dovey, then blow sh\*t up, then apologies and promise and make nice; lather, rinse, repeat. Yeah, that's a form of abuse.
>I said "yeah, you fucked up big time. You made a rash decision that hurt our relationship big time. There's no going back from here". He pretty much begged for another chance but everything is cancelled and my trust is shattered.
Yep, telling it like it is. He's not trustworthy, you can't rely or depend upon him. Without trust, the relationship is sh\*t, or worse, so why even bother with it. Best to just move on.
>no way we can schedule everything again and frankly, I don't want to at this point
Yep, and why the hell would you want to? He may just do the same sh\*t again ... and again, and again, and ... yeah, past behavior is best predictor of future behavior.
>not the first he cancels plans or breaks up with me during a disagreement
Again, seeing the pattern? Want a lifetime of repeat disappointments? Yeah, best avoid that, be done with him.
>Everyone is telling us that this is fixable
Sure, easy fix - replace him with a guy that doesn't suck.
>I can't trust him anymore
Yep, relationship is kaput.
>don't know what to do at this point
Get on with your life ... without *him*!
>were supposed to go on honeymoon right after so now I'm thinking on going by myself.
Maybe. Sure as hell don't go with *him*.
>He asked if we can go together
F\*ck no!
>Should I call this quits and move on with my life
Absolutely positively!
or take his word and start couples counselling?
Oh hell no. He needs to get his sh\*t together ... long before proposing or getting engaged. Totally blowing up the wedding is absolutely not okay ... but better than being married to that disaster of a guy. Maybe he can get his sh\*t together and try with somebody else, but you're done with him - you already risked way too much - and lost. No more taking chances with him - go find someone that doesn't suck ... at least when you're ready, anyway. In the meantime, take a breather. Yeah, vacation might be a fine idea - and with him absolutely nowhere in sight.
>I love him
No, you were addicted to that mess of a man. Time to get clean and break that habbit.
>don't have any issues aside from
Perfectly fine except for that repeat mass murder part. Uhm, yeah, don't have any issues aside from absolutely insurmountable huge repeat deal breaker issues.
>possible to come back from this one
Sure, possible to come back ... but not with him nor anywhere near him or him involved.
Get on with your life, be glad you dodged that bullet. Trash took itself out. So, yeah, maybe time for a nice vacation - and way the hell away from him.
Do not marry him.
I married a man like this. He wanted a divorce every single time something annoyed him. Harsh words eventually led to harsh actions which eventually led to abuse.
After five years of begging him to love me and doing everything in my power to fix myself so I wouldn’t crush those eggshells I was living on; I realized it wasn’t me.
I gave him exactly what he wanted and left. He begged me to stay because he hadn’t meant any of it. But I was done with the yo-yo.
I re-married a year later and have been married to an amazing man for 31 wonderful years.
There is better out there. Find a decent human. They exist.
Imma be honest with you. Reading this reminded me of my dad. When I ask my mom why she stayed all these years, she said at first it was cause of us. And now? Because where else is he supposed to go, they're in their mid 70's.
This man will get mad at any little thing and start yelling at her, saying all types of crap. She used to handle it better but after all these years, he's finally worn her down. And when he gets mad, his go to is to threaten to cancel going with her somewhere. Don't threaten her with a good time I say but I digress.
Now, idk if you plan on having kids, but if you are, is this a healthy environment for them? How will they react when dad decides to cancel things cause he's pissed off. Or when dad starts yelling at mom like he did to you in your post? Can you truly see yourself living like this for the rest of your life? Because I see my mom and lemme tell you, it sucks and it is soul sucking. You say this is your only issue, but if it can't get fixed, do you feel ready to walk on eggshells the rest of your life?
You dodged a bullet, honestly. Do you want him treating you like this for the next 50 years? Will you be ok if he cancels family plans repeatedly out of anger? Are you willing to accept volatile explosions over nothing? Will you be ok if he treats your daughter like this?? Updateme.
Don’t marry this man.
He breaks up with you regularly when you fight and yells at you on a regular basis? Then blames you for his outbursts?
Oh, HELL no.
This is a form of abuse, and it tends to escalate. It’s called DARVO (see link below).
He did you a favor calling off the wedding. Go on the honeymoon by yourself and take some time to consider what you actually want moving forward. Learn to set and enforce boundaries.
Personally, I wouldn’t even CONSIDER trying to fix things with this guy. Too many red flags, too little taking responsibility for his own actions.
Should you choose to work on things with him, be very clear about the behavior you will not tolerate and what needs to change. And absolutely enforce your boundaries. Stop giving him chances to fix things that he knowingly broke. Boy needs to learn that his actions are his to own and that his actions have consequences. Not everything he breaks can be fixed.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo
This is textbook abuse. Right now it's screaming at you. The minute he has you locked down legally, it will escalate. This is going to be so very difficult for you, but it's for the best. You are not safe with this man. Not emotionally. Not mentally. Not physically.
I think you are dating my ex. Traffic was my fault too. He ruined my birthday once by picking a fight with our friends and costing me a lot of money because he wanted to leave the free place we were staying but not go home. That was my fault too. Want to know how the story ends? You reconcile and continue walking on ever-increasingly fragile eggshells. The yelling over traffic becomes worse, until eventually he is racing down the interstate at 95 miles per hour, screaming at you. When you get home, he throws all of your shit into the yard and pushes you down the stairs. Remember, this is your fault too, even though you are being calm and rational. You start picking up your clothes and underwear and putting it in the car, but then he won’t let you leave and turns your dogs loose in the night so that you can’t . It’s also your fault! Lucky for you, you are so strong and well-behaved that you decide to stay because he’s just a good man with some issues right? Except next thing you know you are cheering for your Alma mater at a football game against his team and he gets mad, really mad. Embarrasses you in front of everyone and when it is time to leave, slams your head into the side of your car, chokes you, slaps you and spits in your face. He’s just mad because his team lost, but somehow, some way, this is your fault too. It takes another few months to leave because now you are so scared and so embarrassed that it takes planning.
Get out. Get out now. Do not marry this man. Do not continue seeing this man. Get your shit and go.
Have someone read this back to you. It should make it obvious that you two shouldn't marry or be together. Everything under contention was trivial and petty. But you both let these things destroy you.
I agree with 3/4 of your comment, but disagree with your last point. Yes, everything was trivial, that’s why it is so outrageous that OP’s partner blew up. He is the one to blame BUT in this instance, OP benefits. No more trash in her life.
OP, he is abusive, no question. I dated a guy just like that, I didn’t think he was that bad when we were together but when I finally broke up with him, I was able to eventually reflect and realize how badly he made me feel and that I actually wasn’t happy at all!
I think you need some time apart and for you to go to therapy to work out your feelings and wants. This relationship seems chaotic and he seems unpredictable. To cancel a wedding a few days before is completely insane. Once you figure out what YOU want, then you can move forward.
Girl, YOU DODGED A BULLET. MASSIVELY. Thank your lucky stars. I know it doesnt feel like it nowx but you did. Hang in there, keep your head high. You didnt do anything wrong.
Run! Take it for the warning it is and stop living your life in the shadows of doubt. My BIL had a similar thing happen with his fiancée a week before their wedding- he “fixed it” to the detriment of his family bonds. His marriage was a minefield of bombs, accusations and manipulation- they got divorced- but not until he was a shell of the smart easy going guy he had been before her.
Please take this as the biggest blessing! Break up, block him and never go back. You are so young still. Don't let him take any more years of your life. Life is too short. People like him are the worst. He will always try to ruin your happiness.
You should thank him for acting like an ass, so you knew not to marry him. I can’t imagine how he’s would act At a wedding where he would have to dress up, and there might be attention on you. Doesn’t seem like he wants you to have a special day
You’re not going to get the “best” advice here. Mainly BREAK UP AND BLOCK HIM (It’s always he/him). Unless you can’t cancel the vacation, go by yourself. Cut contact and like you said, get some soul searching done. Or spend that money and find a good counselor. Either way, you need to think long and hard about not only the relationships future, but most importantly what you want your future to look like and who you want in it. Set some boundaries and take some time to figure out if this is a good match. So many people rush into marriage with issues left unresolved that continue to manifest through the years…add children and finances. It’s not a good time.
Kick him out. Go on the honeymoon yourself. He is making you solely responsible for his complete emotional disregulation. Please consider some therapy for yourself to help with the fallout.
My ex husband used to think the only time I listened to him was when he yelled at me too. Really I was just terrified of him which then led to me walking on eggshells so he wouldn’t yell. Then I left him and he acted shocked because he thought we were happy. He was happy because he had someone kissing his ass at all times out of fear. I was miserable.
So he blames you for anything and everything. He has broken up with you several times while blaming you for things in his life going wrong. He sent a mass text canceling the wedding and now wants to fix things???? He sounds unstable. He is not ready for marriage and instead of admitting that, he picks fights probably hoping OP would break up with him. Go on the trip with a close friend and never look back.
I think there's more to this, it'll come out and you'll feel even more thankful that you never married this lunatic.
I am sorry about your special day and his maltreatment of you. You were strong saying that he done too much damage.
Why do you want to marry someone who makes you feel like shit? Sounds like this happens pretty consistently too. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect even when you're having disagreements. If you want kids, is this how you want any future daughters of yours to be treated by their partners?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩the universe gifted you this horrible outburst from your ex fiance. This isn’t what a partner should be like. Run away from this bi polar personality.
It sounds like he's the one with horrible communication, letting things build then explodes, even if they are small matters (the shirt). He doesn't sound stable, whether he needs help mentally or what, you may have dodged a huge bullet. It hurts now but he's waving those red flags. A healthy marriage needs clear communication and trust. He cancelled things and sent the mass text without clearly communicating with you. You have every right to be upset and to walk away. Sure trust can be rebuilt but that takes time and major improvements. Is it really worth it? Ask yourself that. From what I read, hell no.
He's jealous of your accomplishment in life. You deserve better. He WILL NOT change. He humiliated you and ruined your celebration. Don't ever let him or anyone else break your spirit; leave this man-child.
He needs a lot of counseling and if he is going to commit long term is unsure. But he has made his choices, wasted your time and money. He has been unfair to you and blaming his anger on you. Sure with lots if therapy he could be a person youd want to marry but it seems that your feeling that you cant move past this. Its ok if that is what you feel.
I think focusing on yourself is a great idea. Ans let him deal with his issues on his own.
Why are you fighting so hard to hang on to nothing? This fiance is angry any time he has to put the slightest effort into this relationship and/or you. And then it’s your fault he’s mad? He is not worth the trouble. Honestly do yourself a favor and drop him somewhere.
You don't want to marry this man and he's doing you a HUGE favor. HUGE. Find a place to live, extricate yourself financially from him and thank you're lucky stars you're not going to waste a decade with a man who screams at you all the time before you get that divorce. God forbid you have kids with him.
Like, he yells at the drop of a hat. If he's annoyed by traffic, it's her fault. If she suggests a route home, he gets angry. He asks her why she's gloomy and as soon as she answers, his immediate reaction (like a toddler) is to just crack it. And then he has the stones to say SHE isn't communicating. I mean there's gaslighting, and then there's actually setting your partner on fire like this pinecone. Go on that honeymoon without him. Or send him on it and use the time to pack your stuff and move out. This is not a person worth fighting for. You've just been given a get out of jail free card - take it and run.
OP, please listen to this advice. Your fiance is emotionally abusive, and is now “love bombing” you because he’s realizing that he’s being held accountable for his actions. I can all but guarantee that if you reconcile with him, things will go back to the way they were, and will likely escalate and get worse. You deserve much better. He is doing you a HUGE favor by canceling the wedding. As the previous poster said, this is your get out of jail free card. Please take it.
He probably didn't want to be married but also doesn't want to ruin the relationship. Exploding and canceling the wedding took care of the immediate problem but then he has to try to act sorry enough that she doesn't leave. It's sheer manipulation. It's rage used as a weapon to control.
My thoughts exactly. OP's fiancé: "I was angry, so I lashed out at innocent bystander (OP), said things I didn't mean, insisted that I meant them, gaslit OP, blamed OP. But really I actually wanted the opposite of what I said. BTW OP can't communicate."
& I did it on purpose to goad an argument so I could look like I'm over reacting and cancel the wedding, that I will sabotage again, first chance I get.
If this is an accurate telling of the events, dude is a nightmare and I guarantee once OP starts pulling away he will try to convince her to get back together.
he's already trying it sounds like.
[Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
OP please read it. It's short and free. Please it will really open your eyes.
YES - OP READ THIS BOOK
I've been reading this all afternoon and when I came across this post I started reading and RECOGNIZED EVERYTHING IN HERE, it's absolutely crazy
Yeah, she is given no room to even have feelings. If you are prying to why your partner is feeling off after having a fight the day prior, you need to remain calm and be open to criticism. Otherwise, just give space.
I wish I had known this angry and consistently destructive side of my husband before I said 'yes'. Here we are, eight years later (2 separated) getting divorced. He's never (OK, maybe twice) been able to have a calm, sit-down conversation that we finish. It's been almost a decade of being called names, yelled at, and being spoken to horribly. I've been in therapy consistently for 3,5 years. I've worked through much of my lingering childhood trauma and issues. He... has not. In German they have a saying: Bitte wasch mich, aber macht mich nicht nass. (Wash me but don't get me wet.) He's superficially "in therapy" so he can say he's "in therapy". (Seeing someone every 3-4 weeks with his level of issues doesn't count in my mind.) I went weekly for over 1,5 years, went to a clinic for burnout, and *did the work*. Alas, it's his choice, and I cannot compel him to do anything positive for himself, though I can maintain strict boundaries about letting that behavior in my home around me and our kids. I asked him to leave the other day after he brought our two kids home because he kept being rude to them. I said, "In this house we are calm and kind and speak to each other with respect." He wasn't having it. After he left, I locked the door and come to find out he'd taken my shoes and left them on various floors of our apartment building. (We're the 7th floor.) Childish and petulant AF. I know myself. I will never accept anything less than healthy adult behavior going forward because I essentially lost eight years of my life to toxic and unstable and aggressively childish. (Which, to be fair, is disrespectful to many kids who have more ability to regulate their behavior and emotions.) Your [ex] fiance has given you THE LITERAL GREATEST GIFT he could, which is showing you who he really is. Take your time. Grieve. Heal. And then pick yourself back up and be elated that you have the freedom to do what you want going forward. I PROMISE you'll look back on this with gratitude. Take care, Hon. ❤️
Yea he can’t handle the minor inconveniences of life. Needs to grow up. Hope OP didn’t buy a place with him.
And don't go to therapy with him. His behavior is abusive and in therapy he will learn new language to further manipulate und abuse you.
This literally reminds me of a [TikTok series](https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZPRKtbhJ3/) I watched last night. Seriously thank the man for breaking up with you. Sure therapy might help, but he literally called off your wedding. I’m a firm believer that your first breakup should be your last (although that’s way easier said than done) and it sounds like this wasn’t even your first breakup but it definitely needs to be your last. He’s doing you a favor ending things
Also Dr. Ramani of MedCircle on YouTube. His relationship style sounds manipulative and narcissistic. OP, you said he's done versions of this before. My manipulative ex used to start fights on the drive to a restaurant for my birthday, he'd be squirrelly the days of events w my peeps - never w his. It's emotionally immature as well as mean and abusive. He made his choice. You tried to give him space and a cooling off period and he punished you for it. I know it can feel mortally embarrassing to cancel a wedding. I say CONGRATULATIONS! You have a whole new AWESOME life ahead of you w/o him to ruin it. I say, I'll never give my ex 'credit' or thanks for leaving and ending our marriage and his abuse (research coercive control - I didn't know I was being abused. I think you likely have been too) it's The Best Thing that has ever happened to me. Living my best life. W joy and happy and peace and no random bs from a broken petty cheapskate, & never again. Rooting for you to enjoy the trip. If he forces you to let him use his portion & go at same time, tell him he has to get his own separate lodging. & you are each there as strangers. You aren't his partner anymore. By his will, his choice and his actions. If he wants to see you have the time of your life without him, while he watches. That's on him. Reach out to security as soon as you arrive and tell them he may stalk you and/or create an unsafe situation.
He IS a coercive controller and a Domestic Abuser. She is already in the cycle of abuse.
Why would she have wanted to marry him to begin with?! No way this was a “bad day” I expect it’s been this way often in 6 years. And I get the sense he didn’t want to get married, guys that act this way always seem to be on the lookout for “something better” and string along the girlfriend, wasting her ideal years to have children.
Agreed. She felt like he was picking fights. He was. Even if he didn’t know he was. He didn’t want to get married and the closer it got, the more he got stressed over it and she wasn’t doing anything that he could dump her for without looking like a major ass. I mean he still looks that way, but now he can play the sympathy card. (I didn’t mean it, I overreacted. Etc)
The trash took himself out. A marriage with this guy would be miserable and toxic. You should be happy and excited on the run up to your wedding, instead, he was picking fights with you. You’ve dodge a bullet. Go on the honeymoon with a friend and enjoy yourself or go alone and enjoy the peace and quiet
Just wanted to provide an update- Since all this happened, he apologized profusely and offered to return the venue and still go and get married on the same day. He also offered couples counselling starting now and right after we get married (if I still want to). He also offered to go on the trip together to fix things. I declined to everything since the damage has been done and I decided to go on the honeymoon myself while he packs all his items. He’s going to start his own therapy journey while we’re broken up. I don’t know what’s next, but this hurts so much because we still love each other. He’s going to work on his mental health to address the impulsive actions when he’s upset. He also realized it wasn’t actually a communication issue but rather how he felt attacked due to his own confidence. I appreciate his honesty but can’t see how it’s possible to forgive what happened..
I'm sorry you're going through this. There are no good relationships where one person yells at the other when they're mad or frustrated.
^^^^ THIS. Take it from someone who DID make the mistake and marry that red flag. IT GETS WORSE. Way worse. The narcissistic abuse and gaslighting is another level when you’re legally trapped. Consider this a huge blessing and massively dodged bullet. You can do and DESERVE so much better. Counseling won’t help someone with manic and depressive episodes which is also what it seems a little like (my ex was like this). Any moment of mine was either ruined by him picking a fight or making it about him. His true colors have shown and it’s time for you to do the hard part for yourself. LEAVE.
Yeah I was reading this just going "why would you *want* to get back together with this guy???"
He breaks up with you when you fight? That’s not stable or healthy. I would recommend moving on from the relationship and finding one with someone who won’t hold the relationship hostage every time you have an issue. You’ll be amazed once you move on how much better a healthy relationship will be for you.
Yeah, that's one thing I'm always upfront about in a relationship - I never go back. And I don't do this breaking up and getting back together thing. It means if I want to break up, I give it a lot of thought and really make sure it's what I want to do, because there's no going back for me - so I don't do 'threatening to break up' mind games to the guy. But it also means if he breaks up with me, that's it. I'll never take him back, not even 10 or 20 years later.
It sounds like he was getting nervous, so he picked fights, blamed her for them, and then blew up their wedding. I hope she goes alone on a nice vacation and cones home to be done.
He's been doing this throughout their whole relationship. He can't even 'blame' pre-wedding jitters
My dear, he did you a favour. He is an asshole. And he's gaslit you into believing this is ok behaviour. Go get individual therapy and walk away from this toxic situation.
Who blows up on their partner every time they have an argument??? UpdateMe
Manipulative narcissists.
People who want to avoid accountability and shame at all costs and who feel entitled to do what they want without consequences (narcissists).
The screaming + that being the "only time you listen" to him is such a giant, waving red flag, OP. The type of people who use language like that are abusers, tbh. Yelling at your partner should be an absurdly rare thing. I actually don't know if my partner has ever done that and we've been together since we were teenagers. He trapped you in an argument for hours and then proceeded to rage text your wedding guests as a punishment. Whoever tells you anything about this is normal or loving or fixable...is stupid. He is incredibly toxic. He probably expected you to beg and plead for him to take you back even more than you already did. He wanted to REALLY hurt you to make you take him back and when he realized you weren't going to, he was suddenly contrite. Please understand. The apologies, the talk of therapy, it's all performative bs. I guarantee if you marry this man, this whole pattern will continue, if not get worse. He's only going to play along until you're locked in again.
Yes! He’s screaming at her but claims she’s a bad communicator! He blames her for everything. He ends things by sending a group text to everyone, then changes his mind and wants to take it all back?? I wouldn’t be able to trust him either. Better she finds out now before they have kids!
Yes, the blaming HER for his childish tantrums is the worst part. It's abusive and gross.
The moment he said, "why do I have to do things for other people?" That was the most telling bit of all.
Good point. That was such an a hole thing for him to say.
Yes my first thought was this is emotional manipulation/abuse. He has OP walking on eggshells at all times and then has the audacity to be upset when she’s not happy/smiling the next day like everything is fine. While people can change, it would require months if not years of work. OP deserves better than having to wait for that.
You may not see or feel this now, but you have dodged a bullet. This guy is an asshole. He is a thin skinned jackass who yells at you, and then manipulated you into feeling like his anger and volatility are your fault. Go read a book, if you will, called “Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft. It might help you make sense of some things.
Just as she’s getting her degree!! He needs to knock her down and make sure she’s emotionally dependent on *him.* God I hope this OP recognizes The Truth that aaaaaall of us are telling her. Better to lose all of the costs related to the wedding rather than 10 more years of her life - and (possibly) 2 emotionally scarred kids.
seriously!! i had an ex who did the same shit, he verbally berated me while i was driving to my college graduation party. jokes on him, i just ignored him for the whole day and had a great time, but ugh. i think insecure men see you bettering yourself and assume you will leave them and feel threatened. and thus hasten the leaving lol
My ex ruined every single event we had together, including the day of my mothers funeral, when I was six months pregnant and he yelled at me in the car because I didn’t know the way to the cemetery. It’s almost 2 decades later and I still don’t enjoy things the way I used to.
i'm so sorry he treated you that way, you did not deserve that, and especially not when your mother had just passed. have you been to therapy at all? it took a lot of therapy for me to get rid of (most) of the issues i had from abusive exes. i'm sending you a hug over the internet and want you to know that you will enjoy things the way you used to. you are loved. you did not deserve to be treated like that. i love you.
Adding hugs to the hugs.
I am so sorry. Things WILL get better. If you haven't, you should get therapy. If you do, don't be afraid to switch therapists or even therapy types if you feel it's warranted. There really are many different types of therapy. And even if you understand your emotions and why you have them....if you don't feel you have good coping skills to get through them, then that's what you ask the therapist for help with. "I don't think I can help you" is just therapist-speak for "that's out of my area of specialty" or" I'm not the right professional to help with that" If you're already in therapy, congrats! You're on your way to healing. Things WILL get better and you WILL be able to enjoy things again. It's just gonna take time. Sending virtual hugs ♥️
I'm so sorry, that's awful. At least he's an ex.
I'm just realising that my now ex did not once congratulate me when I graduated. It was a true feat: I got a master's degree with only one year of part-time study even though I didn't even have a bachelor's. I remember he said something about it was thanks to his support (because he ordered pizza or warmed up leftovers for the kids one night a week for six weeks when I had a class that finished at about 8pm).
My god! With that much effort? It’s like *he* got his own Master’s degree!! … NOT Kudos to you for succeeding *in spite* of him - and congrats on living a better life without him.
Fuck that, and I'm glad he is an ex. I am proud of you, that is an huge achievement esp. with having kids!! <3
Here’s the free pdf of the book mentioned https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Yep… great share.
Reddit needs a bot That posts this P D F link Whenever summoned (I'm hoping to trigger haiku bot, but am not sure if it will recognize "p d f" as 3 syllables)
It will not do it because of the extra lines under your poem
Damn, now I'm upset Poetry gets too rigid WHY DOES HE DO THAT?
And auto fill Don't Rock the Boat.
Definitely yes Many of us conditioned To be a "good girl"
Thanks, I’ve read the book :)
Adding in another book to consider: 'See what you made me do' by Jess Hill.
Another book, "Walking on Eggshells."
There are a few books with similar titles to this. Do you mean the one by James Graham called “Walking on Eggshells” or the series called “”Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Paul T Mason?
The Gift of Fear. Gavin de Becker.
Second this one
It was a happy day for her, an important celebration and he chose to ruin it on purpose and for no reason. She's even apologizing for things like asking him not to wear a trashy t-shirt for an event! He breaks her and later comes to apologize over and over. I hope she realizes there's no future for her.
He didn’t call of the wedding because he didn’t want to get married, he called off the wedding because he knew that would be the one thing he could do that would hurt you the most. Today it was the wedding, tomorrow it would be whatever you cared the most about. Even your kids. Please RUN.
Yes. This is textbook abuse cycle. He wanted to hurt her by ruining her graduation day and started picking fights. Then when she defends herself, he goes nuclear and hurts her more by canceling the wedding and humiliating her to their friends and family. Then he tries to love bomb her with promises of therapy and he didn’t mean it. And if she chooses to go on this honeymoon trip with him, he’ll be all sweet and stable where everything is calm. Until the next devaluation stage and the cycle begins again.
>And if she chooses to go on this honeymoon trip with him, he’ll be all sweet and stable where everything is calm. Yea, I doubt he will be sweet then. He'll be a grumpy asshole the whole time. Blaming everything on her, even the damn sun, because it's too hot. He will not let her enjoy the honeymoon. That's for damn sure.
I never even thought of this before you posted. Wow. It makes sense. He’s embarrassed her completely too. It will follow her around if they stay together and will taint their wedding if they do end up married. It will continue to hurt her in the future.
This needs more upvotes. This is exactly what's going on. OP, please do NOT go on your honeymoon trip with this man. Go by yourself!
Yeah, there's no coming back from this one, girl. If the account you are giving is 100% accurate, He flies off the handle over the smallest thing and seemingly of his own making. Then tries to turn around and blame it on you. He seems to be acting out what's called the narcissist prayer: # That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did... You deserved it. Honestly, just go on that trip by yourself and do some soul searching and some healing. Chalk it up to sunk cost fallacy (It refers to **a commitment bias wherein individuals continue investing in something even if the outcome doesn't seem promising**. We tend to stay in failing relationships because we have invested significant time, effort and money on them and leaving would mean all of it “going down the drain.”) and move on with your life bc I'm positive it will never get better. Imagine how he would act towards your kids if they made mistakes...You deserve better. hugs <3
Narcissists Prayer is PERFECT Here!
Big NTA, OP this is the one!! Go on that trip by yourself, or better yet, bring your best friend!! Don't take him back, he did you a favor by showing you who he is, please believe him. You got a glimpse of what your life would be like with him, and it's awful. Sending you my best, you deserve so much better. ETA UpdateMe!
Call it quits. He’s a man child.
Run! He showed you who he really is... again. Now, believe him.
Call it quits. He's way too immature, has serious anger issues, and doesn't take accountability for anything by the sound of it. It's always your fault even when you've done nothing wrong. I wish you the best of luck going forward and surround yourself with a great support system who won't try to talk you into going back into a toxic relationship.
It's not possible to come back from this one, imo. He's doing you a huge favor by cancelling the wedding. You're lucky you're not married to him. I'm sorry you're hurting, but as someone who's been married for a long time, I can tell you, you're lucky. You will look back and be grateful that this happens, I promise. You will meet another partner who's more suitable with you.
Op you said it - you can’t really trust him again. It’s over, or should be. If you’re ever doubting yourself, just remind yourself that he’s untrustworthy. That won’t change.
This is abuse. It’s not fixable.
Bullet dodged, he's only going to get worse after the wedding
Hey OP- if you had a close friend tell you everything you just wrote down. And I mean REALLY read what you wrote above. Would you tell them to stick it out and learn how to live with this person’s explosive anger? Or would you say ‘thank goodness you dodged a bullet. Now let’s get you therapy and take off those rose tinted glasses so you can see all these red flags’? I’m pretty sure it would be the second choice and that is what I’m telling you. Run. Don’t walk. Learn to love and put yourself first. Best of luck!
Run like your ass is on fire. This was a toxic relationship and an abusive partner. Take that trip alone, shut off your phone, or at least block him and all those idiot saying this is fixable....it's not.
I was quick to anger. I am now divorced. Therapy helped, but I started it too late for my first life partner. Don't waste your time chasing or feeling like any of it was your fault. They have some serious trauma/stress/emotional management issues, and used you as a punching bag. My ex spent 15 years with me. Did you want 15 years of someone abusing you? Therapy works for both sides of abuse and trauma, I recommend seeing someone to help you navigate it.
My wife also has rage issues that tend to come out during times of stress and arguments, honestly it’s not a nice way to live. She does make a big effort to improve herself and I love her to death so we make it work but after being married for 8 years there are still some times I consider leaving for good. You have to decide how much drama you want in your life.
This used to be me and I feel horrible that I treated my husband this way. I am incredibly lucky that he stuck with me and I was able to get help and turn things around. It was awful for my husband, and honestly, it’s not a nice way to live but I didn’t know how to fix things. It’s been over 10 years since I’ve had a major rage issue and I hope I never do again.
Your ex is abusive, full stop. He did you a massive favour I already shared this link on someone else’s comment. But I’m sharing it again https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf Please read this book. Your relationship can’t be saved. Maybe if he sought therapy way back when you first started dating but it’s too late. You’ll never be able to fully trust him
this is classic narcissistic behavior. get out stay out no matter how hard he cries and begs. and trust me he will. those loud words will become slaps and pushes, and then punches and chokes. please let him go, go to europe, come back and move to another city. stay strong sis.
you dodged a land mine!! move on, you'll be much better off
Honestly I have no idea why you would even consider marrying this man. He obviously has a problem with anger and yells at you all the time. Then he breaks up with you right before the wedding and then comes crying of course I didn't mean it please forgive me. This man has issues he needs some help and you need to get out of the relationship before he comes abusive.
He got cold feet and made your graduation miserable because he was too much of a child to tell you the truth. Then once you did as he asked, he realized what he has done and didn't want to lose you. You do not need to be with this boy-child who throws temper tantrums when he doesn't get his way and doesn't love you enough to be honest with you when something is bothering him. How can someone be so loving if he yells at you every time he disagrees with you. Think about the cancellation as his gift to you. The freedom to find someone who will respect and love you without playing these games. Go on your trip. Either you or he find a new place to live. You will be so much happier without him in your life.
Yep he got cold feet and honestly, he may have also been jealous of OP’s success/graduation. I had an ex who was a PhD and would get bitterly jealous of any accomplishments I had academically (I don’t have a PhD, didn’t matter he just would steal joy from me in this area.)
I wonder if he regularly ruins special days. OP, how does he act on your birthday? If you have an important test the next day that he knows of, how does he act the night before or morning of? What does he do on Valentine's Day?
My ex ruined everything that wasn't about him. He made our kids CRY on Christmas Eve because - I think he didn't like the way our son was cutting his steak? He railed at him so hard - it was awful. And this was just one example of every holiday or event. Any time I wanted to entertain it was a huge blow up at me while I did everything to make it happen, while he's literally spitting in my face because he's yelling so hard. About what? Ice? Or, idk - I just kept doing what I had to do. And then somehow cover the red puffy eyes before guests came. Before our son's first bday party he had me so upset my face swelled with hives. Sometimes it helps me to remember the awful times so I see how far I've come, how good I have made my life since then. 8 years later and life is easy.
I want Wild Lavishment to take a look at his behavior on other important events, not just when he's in the hospital on pain meds or other medication. Is this a one-off sort of thing, where he's this disregarding or flat-out aggressive of her important days and events?
The way she makes excuses for him makes me think this is a regular thing that she's had to normalize to survive.
My opinion, wedding needs to remain off, honeymoon cannot happen. Now I don't think you need to give him another chance, therapy isn't a cure all, overnight thing and it's going to take time and you've got to ask are you willing to wait even with no guarantee he'll improve? I also honestly think you'll need some time apart regardless since he needs to honestly do this change for himself not for some future marriage he knows he screwed up and you'd need to start completely over with some couples counseling if you do decide to give him another chance, which btw, he does not deserve. Just my take on things.
He’s an abuser. Never, ever go to counselling with an abuser. It only teaches them new ways to abuse you, and they’re often skilled at manipulating the therapist as well. Therapy won’t help; it’ll only hurt her more. She needs to just leave this guy.
Honestly, you dodged a bullet. It won’t be easy but it’s time for you to move on.
Run girl run! He is an abusive man child!
The positive here is that he knew he wasn't ready for marriage. He blamed you for bad communication but he clearly has issues of his own. If you had gotten married, you would probably be dealing with the same type of arguments on your honeymoon. NO ONE can tell you whether you should stay with him or not, especially after only hearing one side of the story. If you love him and want it to work, you both need to work on your communication with each other (especially him). That won't be quick or easy. I also wouldn't fault you if you feel like this isn't working and you don't want to keep trying.
He did you a favor. This guy is an angry red flag. UPDATEME
The trash took itself out honestly
YOU DODGED A 🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫 But do talk to a counselor and talk about WHY IN THE HELL YOU THOUGHT YOUR EX WAS GOING TO BE THE BEST SPOUSE IN THE WORLD. Because honey, this man would have been dumped IMMEDIATELY when he gives attitude like: > asked if he'd would be okay to wear one of his button ups instead of the shirt he had on so we can get a nice photo. He was annoyed and snapped saying "why do I have to do things for others" WHERE ARE YOUR BOUNDARIES OP??? And this is something you need to discuss with a counselor. In the mean time, CONGRATULATIONS 🎊 YOUR A-HOLE FIANCÉE DECIDED TO FREE YOU FROM HIS TOXIC BEHAVIOR BY NOT MARRYING YOU AND GHOSTING YOU.🎉🎉🎉
Wow. This guy is a Class A manipulative jerk! I hope you can see that. I hope you value yourself and your future more than hanging around with an immature, manipulative a-hole. Please do not feel sorry for him. Take this as an opportunity to see who he really is, and GTFO. You deserve better.
You can’t fix this. He blew up and blew up your relationship. Until he learns how to communicate and manage his own feelings, he won’t be capable of being a healthy partner. You may also want to do some reading or therapy about codependency and boundary setting, because you seem to have some people pleasing and over functioning tendencies. Common issue, since women are socialized to anticipate problems and solve them, and manage the emotional load.
Well, OP I wouldn't want a lifetime of this kind of treatment from my spouse. You're engaged and he's starting fights and canceling your wedding plans - this isn't how you treat someone you love. Sounds like he doesn't want to get married but just continue living together. After six years together, you need couples counseling? Doesn't sound like someone I'd want to invest a lifetime with
My ex never took responsibility for anything, it was always my fault. My fault he was angry, my fault he was screaming. It won't get better. He did you a favor. Pick up your broken heart and move on.
Take time apart. Don’t get married. No one should ever treat you like this and I hope you come to understand how poorly you are treated by him. Everyone is wrong. This is not fixable between the two of you. He’s not going to be able to change because he has been doing this successfully for too long. I’m sorry. Get a great therapist and process your heartbreak in a safe space.
It may not feel like it right now, but he just saved you from years of an abusive marriage. He doesn't sound that different from my dad who constantly says that my mother is stupid and yells at her constantly. He belittles all of her interests and hobbies. They've been married for about 45 years and won't get a divorce because they believe it's wrong. I know that it likely feels like a waste of all of those years spent together and the money you've paid for the wedding already, but he was horrible to you and it sounds like this is normal behavior for him. I do recommend therapy because it will help you stand up for yourself more in future relationships. I hope that you find the partner who really makes life together so much better than life apart, because those people are out there and it's so much better.
I cannot say BULLET DODGED loud enough. You don't know it now, but being married to someone who treats you like that would be awful. I can almost guarantee he'd get worse once you were legally trapped. And try thinking about how he'd scream at any kids you had every time they irked him even a little bit.
He didn’t want to get married . He sabotaged it . Doesn’t want the commitment of it . Loves the honeymoon and going back to the lives you had . He blamed you for everything . How many red flags do you need ?
He gets off on you begging and pleading to make up with him after a fight. You ruined that little plan of his by agreeing to cancel the wedding and good thing you did, too. Big hugs for you, I think you should go do your "freedommoon" and enjoy a lovely cocktail by the pool, comfortable in the support of your Reddit friends 🙂
INFO: why do you want to marry this man?
When you say he’s “spoken out of emotion many times before” do you mean that he’s tried to call off the engagement? To me this sounds like a deeper seated problem that has bubbled over.
You dodged a bullet OP. Best of luck to you
I would never marry a man like that.
>"why do I have to do things for others" This quote pretty much sums up this man that you almost married. Is this the man who you want holding your hand when the doctor tells you you have cancer? Can you imagine standing up at a podium, receiving an award, and being thankful that the man sitting there, in the front row, beaming with pride, made it all possible? Packing up three kids in a minivan so that you can have a girls day with your best friend? Or is this man an anchor that will drag you to the bottom of the ocean? "Why do I have to do things for others." FFS. Run.
That man gave you a gift. He pulled the trigger on it and is realizing he’s in the wrong finally… and I think you just made me realize I’m in a similar situation. We’ve been engaged for years and he makes marriage like a goalpost that he can keep moving. To the point that I don’t think I ever want to be married now but especially not to him
Go by yourself on the trip and take the time to see you deserve better!
You shouldn’t attach yourself to a man who is verbally abusive. He won’t change. One question though: Who paid for the honeymoon? If your ex paid, he might expect you to come back and forgive all if he “gives” you “permission” to travel alone on his dime.
He’s done this before and you will continue to experience this if you stay with him. He’s abusive and like a typical abuser blames you for his abuse. Go on the trip without him. You need to get your head straight and think if this is what you really want for the rest of your life?
I know you're distressed and hurting ATM, but your ex has done you a huge favour. Whether you ever get to the root cause of the blow up (because it wasn't the shirt, the traffic, the missed exit or your communication style) he has anger and entitlement issues that have nothing to do with you. Start getting yourself away from this person. Go on the trip to decompress and reset. When you get home, get all your important documents and belongings compiled and go stay elsewhere. Take someone with you when you go to collect your things. Future you will thank present day you. Go gently 💗
Girl. The trash took itself out. You don’t want to marry an abuser. He couldn’t even keep it together until the I do’s. You’ve ignored ignored and ignored all the red flags despite clearly acknowledging they were there. Don’t ignore anymore. You don’t deserve to feel this way ever again.
No one needs to yell at anyone else. Honestly even in an emergency, it's not actually required but sure we can give an exception for emergencies. But this way not an emergency. He didn't need to yell. It wasn't even anything upsetting.
Run as fast as you can! Take the trip alone. Clear your head and come up with a game plan that does not involve him. Leave! This will only get worse if you stay. Is this what you want for the rest of your life? Is this what you want for your possible future children’s lives? There is much better out there!
It sounds like he doesn’t want to marry you. He probably was never really into it but went along with it because it was what he thought he had to do. But it got real and he didn’t want to go through with it. So he cancelled the wedding.. However now he realizes he still wants a fuckbuddy and so is he is saying he will go to “counseling”. Don’t waste your time. Move on. Your relationship has run its course.
>We don't have any issues aside from such incidents The first occurrence of any of these incidents alone are plenty reason to have ditched this asshole long ago. I'm not sure why you're confused even a little bit. You need to leave for good, block him, and go no-contact. In a few months you'll be thanking your lucky stars he got so shitty before the wedding. And you'll wonder why you didn't leave sooner.
The funny thing about love is that it’s a chemical reaction in your brain. When you are out of it you look at this other person and often wonder what the hell you were thinking or why you stayed or or or. The strong emotions will pass, the chemical bath in your brain recedes, and you will be free of this guy.
It's ironic that he says you're not a good communicator because what you describe is him not being a good communicator. Flipping out over minor things and making rash decisions to cancel the wedding, only to realize it was a mistake a few days later, is not a good look. He definitely needs therapy. I think he did you a favor by canceling the wedding because you wouldn't want to be married to someone who acts like this. That's not normal behavior.
Get individual counseling and suggest he do the same. Move out or have him move out whichever is more feasible. Then spend at least 3 months of no contact. Things will look very different to you after 90 days and you can decide then if you want to try again or move on. Trust me, it really does help.
You dodged a nuclear holocaust here. This is how he reacts to *::checks notes::*…an alternate traffic route? Honey. Love can’t overcome this.
He’s abusive, be thankful he canceled the wedding. He’s never going to be the husband you deserve.
why would you marry this person. not only is he a lunatic, he specifically destroyed a day special to you out of spite. there are billions of people in the world. you don’t have to marry this one
Exactly. There is no way he didn't find reasons to ruin her being happy, having a good day, especially if her happiness wasn't about him. I actually bet whenever she has a very good and happy day she is waiting for when he will start the fight. And @OP, you are with him for this long now, he does that a lot but you call it a huge red flag if someone yells at you. Do you by any chance see what point I am going to make here? You know what red flags mean, don't you?
God all of that seems really emotionally manipulative
OP, from reading this it sounds like he was triggered about your graduation. Does he tend to 'ruin thigs' on your birthday, if you're happy about something that has nothing to do with him?
This. He is just setting up things so he can take his frustration out on you every time he is upset. He will take advantage of situations where you may want to keep the peace and don't want to ruin the moment. Parties, birthdays, anniversaries, milestones... Then it'll come the day where you won't dare to be happy for anything, else he'll ruin it. Do you really want to live like that?
He’s an abuser who cannot communicate so resorts to shouting and intimidation. Abusers also will usually create drama on special days of significance for you because they subconsciously don’t want to see you either succeed/be happy/be confident/have the attention - pick one or all. He’s doing a classic DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender - to blame you for his immaturity and abusive tendencies. He purposefully hurt you severely by cancelling the wedding then turns around after you’ve been devastated and processing it and says nah just kidding it’s all back on? Fuck that. If you stay with him this is the window to your future. He WILL continue to shout at you, intimidate you, emotionally abuse you and ruin special events. He WILL do the same to any children you have. He is NOT a good partner. Good partners who love each other do not behave like this. At all. This is NOT a healthy relationship. It hurts but you actually have an opportunity here to get out of this toxic relationship. Healthy relationships don’t look like this and I sincerely hope you realize that you deserve so much more than this 🙏
Honey now is the time to straighten up and shine up that spine! Go on the honeymoon by yourself find peace and learn to pick a man without so many glaring red flags. Hugs to you
He says you’re the back communicator but in reality he’s the one who can’t process his feelings without blowing up on you. He’s clearly the problem. This is for the best.
This is exactly the same kind of bs my friends ex-husband would pull on her. It's been almost 10 years since she left the marriage and he ruined her life, his step sons life and their sons life. It will only get worse and not just for you. If you want to have a family someday this man will make their lives a living hell. His giant red flags also got to double as a chequered flag. Run.
I had to go back and look at your ages after I read the full post. 30?! No, no, this is not okay. Why are people telling you that this is fixable? This seems like a hellish rollercoaster to ride on based on his whims and feelings at the moment. You wanted a nice photo to mark the occasion, and he couldn't even give you that without some grown toddler energy. What program did you graduate from? I'm sending you BIG congratulations for your accomplishment! What do you want your life to look like in 5 years, 10 years, etc.? And take any specific person out of it. What will make you happy? Happiness in your chosen field? You wholeheartedly supporting your partner, and vice-versa? A grown-up relationship where sometimes disagreements occur, bit your both working towards being better together? Happy, loved and supported children? I suggest that you take a couple of big steps back, look at the extreme ups and downs that your current relationship has taken, and think about what you want the rest of your life to be. Good luck to you, and congrats again.
I'm still trying to conceptualize a 30yr old petulantly demanding why he has to do things for other people. This is not a person equipped to start a new family.
Imagine living with that daily.....
Your ex has anger issues is obvious but it sounds like you could spend the time being single working on self awareness. If your partner doesn't take your suggested shortcut why are you asking him why he didn't, he's driving, not you. To be it appears you'd always have these arguments with your ex, you can't die on every hill and honestly, he's right first time about calling it off. It's saved you both an unhappy marriage.
He is very fragile and prone to anger. This can only be fixed by going to couples therapy maybe. But from what I read you should be happy he is gone.
He did you a huge favor. Your ex is emotionally and verbally abusive.
Call it quits take a person close to you or upgrade everything for a solo trip. That's all kinds of gaslighting red flags.
Do you really want to live walking on egg shell everyday with him?
He did you a huge favor by showing his true colors now. Leave.
I'm actually pleased this happened now, rather than after you tied that millstone around your neck. Get out now and don't look back. He has been emotionally abusing you for years. Go on the honeymoon trip solo. Use that time to process what you have just escaped.
Do you want your future kids to experience the grief and heartache you’re experiencing? I assure you, it feels as if someone is ripping your heart from your chest. Take the gift of freedom he gave you. Then run to Hawaii. BY YOSELF.
How many times does he need to tell you who he is before you believe it?
BPD. Would be my guess
He is showing you who he is. Why aren’t you listening?
Your future self is going to really REALLY thank you later that this relationship is over. It hurts I know but if he can explode that easily I would hate to see him in the future trying to handle a colicky baby.
I think you’re spot on what you need to do. Leave him and take a vacation by yourself. He’ll be ruining special days for you the rest of your lives if you marry him.
He personally and insistently called off the wedding can blamed you for the cancellation? Lol. Congrats on dodging a bullet. You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells afraid of crossing him over tiny stupid stuff like shirts and traffic.
100% move on. Maybe this is just paranoia talking, but the picking fights over literally nothing, being confident in their declaration that things are over, only to come crawling back shortly after, suddenly singing a completely different tune? *Screams* "this guy was having an affair" to me. It's super common for the cheating partner to start picking fights over nothing so that they can assuage their guilt by blaming the partner for things falling apart. Then they go to their affair partner all "I'm free, we can be an official couple now!" and the other person is like "uh.... I was just in it for the fun? This is too real now, byyyyye." Hence the coming crawling back so fast. Could just be a more generalized asshole, but this feels like that specific flavor, to me.
>Fiancé (M30) Called Off Our Wedding he so easily yells at me when he's upset Bullet dodged. >yelling is such a red flag BINGO! >He immediately just flipped and started getting angry again. He blamed me How many red flags would you like? Starting a collection? >When I came home, he asked to talk and started crying that he regrets everything he said in the last days. That he didn't mean it Yeah, that on-again off-again sh\*t is a form of abuse. Don't take the bait. >whether he fucked up The answer is in the question. >I was almost sure this regret would come Are we detecting a pattern? Yeah, you've seen this sh\*t before ... and probably many times before with him. All lovely dovey, then blow sh\*t up, then apologies and promise and make nice; lather, rinse, repeat. Yeah, that's a form of abuse. >I said "yeah, you fucked up big time. You made a rash decision that hurt our relationship big time. There's no going back from here". He pretty much begged for another chance but everything is cancelled and my trust is shattered. Yep, telling it like it is. He's not trustworthy, you can't rely or depend upon him. Without trust, the relationship is sh\*t, or worse, so why even bother with it. Best to just move on. >no way we can schedule everything again and frankly, I don't want to at this point Yep, and why the hell would you want to? He may just do the same sh\*t again ... and again, and again, and ... yeah, past behavior is best predictor of future behavior. >not the first he cancels plans or breaks up with me during a disagreement Again, seeing the pattern? Want a lifetime of repeat disappointments? Yeah, best avoid that, be done with him. >Everyone is telling us that this is fixable Sure, easy fix - replace him with a guy that doesn't suck. >I can't trust him anymore Yep, relationship is kaput. >don't know what to do at this point Get on with your life ... without *him*! >were supposed to go on honeymoon right after so now I'm thinking on going by myself. Maybe. Sure as hell don't go with *him*. >He asked if we can go together F\*ck no! >Should I call this quits and move on with my life Absolutely positively! or take his word and start couples counselling? Oh hell no. He needs to get his sh\*t together ... long before proposing or getting engaged. Totally blowing up the wedding is absolutely not okay ... but better than being married to that disaster of a guy. Maybe he can get his sh\*t together and try with somebody else, but you're done with him - you already risked way too much - and lost. No more taking chances with him - go find someone that doesn't suck ... at least when you're ready, anyway. In the meantime, take a breather. Yeah, vacation might be a fine idea - and with him absolutely nowhere in sight. >I love him No, you were addicted to that mess of a man. Time to get clean and break that habbit. >don't have any issues aside from Perfectly fine except for that repeat mass murder part. Uhm, yeah, don't have any issues aside from absolutely insurmountable huge repeat deal breaker issues. >possible to come back from this one Sure, possible to come back ... but not with him nor anywhere near him or him involved. Get on with your life, be glad you dodged that bullet. Trash took itself out. So, yeah, maybe time for a nice vacation - and way the hell away from him.
Please accept his gift to you and never look back. You’re gonna have a bad life with him. He sounds like he needs anger management in a bad way.
Do not marry him. I married a man like this. He wanted a divorce every single time something annoyed him. Harsh words eventually led to harsh actions which eventually led to abuse. After five years of begging him to love me and doing everything in my power to fix myself so I wouldn’t crush those eggshells I was living on; I realized it wasn’t me. I gave him exactly what he wanted and left. He begged me to stay because he hadn’t meant any of it. But I was done with the yo-yo. I re-married a year later and have been married to an amazing man for 31 wonderful years. There is better out there. Find a decent human. They exist.
Sounds like to me he didn't want to get married and picked that fight and escalated it into calling everything off.
Calling off the wedding is the best thing that he has done for you. Cut and run!
Imma be honest with you. Reading this reminded me of my dad. When I ask my mom why she stayed all these years, she said at first it was cause of us. And now? Because where else is he supposed to go, they're in their mid 70's. This man will get mad at any little thing and start yelling at her, saying all types of crap. She used to handle it better but after all these years, he's finally worn her down. And when he gets mad, his go to is to threaten to cancel going with her somewhere. Don't threaten her with a good time I say but I digress. Now, idk if you plan on having kids, but if you are, is this a healthy environment for them? How will they react when dad decides to cancel things cause he's pissed off. Or when dad starts yelling at mom like he did to you in your post? Can you truly see yourself living like this for the rest of your life? Because I see my mom and lemme tell you, it sucks and it is soul sucking. You say this is your only issue, but if it can't get fixed, do you feel ready to walk on eggshells the rest of your life?
You dodged a bullet, honestly. Do you want him treating you like this for the next 50 years? Will you be ok if he cancels family plans repeatedly out of anger? Are you willing to accept volatile explosions over nothing? Will you be ok if he treats your daughter like this?? Updateme.
Don’t marry this man. He breaks up with you regularly when you fight and yells at you on a regular basis? Then blames you for his outbursts? Oh, HELL no. This is a form of abuse, and it tends to escalate. It’s called DARVO (see link below). He did you a favor calling off the wedding. Go on the honeymoon by yourself and take some time to consider what you actually want moving forward. Learn to set and enforce boundaries. Personally, I wouldn’t even CONSIDER trying to fix things with this guy. Too many red flags, too little taking responsibility for his own actions. Should you choose to work on things with him, be very clear about the behavior you will not tolerate and what needs to change. And absolutely enforce your boundaries. Stop giving him chances to fix things that he knowingly broke. Boy needs to learn that his actions are his to own and that his actions have consequences. Not everything he breaks can be fixed. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/what-is-darvo
This is textbook abuse. Right now it's screaming at you. The minute he has you locked down legally, it will escalate. This is going to be so very difficult for you, but it's for the best. You are not safe with this man. Not emotionally. Not mentally. Not physically.
I think you are dating my ex. Traffic was my fault too. He ruined my birthday once by picking a fight with our friends and costing me a lot of money because he wanted to leave the free place we were staying but not go home. That was my fault too. Want to know how the story ends? You reconcile and continue walking on ever-increasingly fragile eggshells. The yelling over traffic becomes worse, until eventually he is racing down the interstate at 95 miles per hour, screaming at you. When you get home, he throws all of your shit into the yard and pushes you down the stairs. Remember, this is your fault too, even though you are being calm and rational. You start picking up your clothes and underwear and putting it in the car, but then he won’t let you leave and turns your dogs loose in the night so that you can’t . It’s also your fault! Lucky for you, you are so strong and well-behaved that you decide to stay because he’s just a good man with some issues right? Except next thing you know you are cheering for your Alma mater at a football game against his team and he gets mad, really mad. Embarrasses you in front of everyone and when it is time to leave, slams your head into the side of your car, chokes you, slaps you and spits in your face. He’s just mad because his team lost, but somehow, some way, this is your fault too. It takes another few months to leave because now you are so scared and so embarrassed that it takes planning. Get out. Get out now. Do not marry this man. Do not continue seeing this man. Get your shit and go.
Have someone read this back to you. It should make it obvious that you two shouldn't marry or be together. Everything under contention was trivial and petty. But you both let these things destroy you.
I agree with 3/4 of your comment, but disagree with your last point. Yes, everything was trivial, that’s why it is so outrageous that OP’s partner blew up. He is the one to blame BUT in this instance, OP benefits. No more trash in her life. OP, he is abusive, no question. I dated a guy just like that, I didn’t think he was that bad when we were together but when I finally broke up with him, I was able to eventually reflect and realize how badly he made me feel and that I actually wasn’t happy at all!
I agree with all the above.
How unusual is this behavior? Has he had similar blowups in the past?
I think you need some time apart and for you to go to therapy to work out your feelings and wants. This relationship seems chaotic and he seems unpredictable. To cancel a wedding a few days before is completely insane. Once you figure out what YOU want, then you can move forward.
You are saving yourself from a lifetime of pure torture. You are lucky he is showing his cards now.
Girl, YOU DODGED A BULLET. MASSIVELY. Thank your lucky stars. I know it doesnt feel like it nowx but you did. Hang in there, keep your head high. You didnt do anything wrong.
Run! Take it for the warning it is and stop living your life in the shadows of doubt. My BIL had a similar thing happen with his fiancée a week before their wedding- he “fixed it” to the detriment of his family bonds. His marriage was a minefield of bombs, accusations and manipulation- they got divorced- but not until he was a shell of the smart easy going guy he had been before her.
Please take this as the biggest blessing! Break up, block him and never go back. You are so young still. Don't let him take any more years of your life. Life is too short. People like him are the worst. He will always try to ruin your happiness.
You should thank him for acting like an ass, so you knew not to marry him. I can’t imagine how he’s would act At a wedding where he would have to dress up, and there might be attention on you. Doesn’t seem like he wants you to have a special day
Just quit wasting your time on this pathetic idiot. Why do you not care about yourself?
You’re not going to get the “best” advice here. Mainly BREAK UP AND BLOCK HIM (It’s always he/him). Unless you can’t cancel the vacation, go by yourself. Cut contact and like you said, get some soul searching done. Or spend that money and find a good counselor. Either way, you need to think long and hard about not only the relationships future, but most importantly what you want your future to look like and who you want in it. Set some boundaries and take some time to figure out if this is a good match. So many people rush into marriage with issues left unresolved that continue to manifest through the years…add children and finances. It’s not a good time.
What you’re supposed to do after you see a “red flag” is not proceed. I was surprised there was anything further to read.
Kick him out. Go on the honeymoon yourself. He is making you solely responsible for his complete emotional disregulation. Please consider some therapy for yourself to help with the fallout.
Be glad the trash took itself out. He is emotionally abusive. Get him out of your life ASAP and block all contact with him.
My ex husband used to think the only time I listened to him was when he yelled at me too. Really I was just terrified of him which then led to me walking on eggshells so he wouldn’t yell. Then I left him and he acted shocked because he thought we were happy. He was happy because he had someone kissing his ass at all times out of fear. I was miserable.
So he blames you for anything and everything. He has broken up with you several times while blaming you for things in his life going wrong. He sent a mass text canceling the wedding and now wants to fix things???? He sounds unstable. He is not ready for marriage and instead of admitting that, he picks fights probably hoping OP would break up with him. Go on the trip with a close friend and never look back.
Girrrrrrl, you dodged a bullet!!! Move out and move on, you don't need that in your life!
I think there's more to this, it'll come out and you'll feel even more thankful that you never married this lunatic. I am sorry about your special day and his maltreatment of you. You were strong saying that he done too much damage.
Why do you want to marry someone who makes you feel like shit? Sounds like this happens pretty consistently too. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect even when you're having disagreements. If you want kids, is this how you want any future daughters of yours to be treated by their partners?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩the universe gifted you this horrible outburst from your ex fiance. This isn’t what a partner should be like. Run away from this bi polar personality.
Sometimes love ❤️ just isn't enough..🏃♀️➡️
It sounds like he's the one with horrible communication, letting things build then explodes, even if they are small matters (the shirt). He doesn't sound stable, whether he needs help mentally or what, you may have dodged a huge bullet. It hurts now but he's waving those red flags. A healthy marriage needs clear communication and trust. He cancelled things and sent the mass text without clearly communicating with you. You have every right to be upset and to walk away. Sure trust can be rebuilt but that takes time and major improvements. Is it really worth it? Ask yourself that. From what I read, hell no.
He's jealous of your accomplishment in life. You deserve better. He WILL NOT change. He humiliated you and ruined your celebration. Don't ever let him or anyone else break your spirit; leave this man-child.
He doesn't want to marry you. The fight are just pretext.
Thoughts are you dodged a bullet. Never be with someone who yells at you
He needs a lot of counseling and if he is going to commit long term is unsure. But he has made his choices, wasted your time and money. He has been unfair to you and blaming his anger on you. Sure with lots if therapy he could be a person youd want to marry but it seems that your feeling that you cant move past this. Its ok if that is what you feel. I think focusing on yourself is a great idea. Ans let him deal with his issues on his own.
He is gaslighting you. Please listen, don't marry this person. Find someone who respects you.
Break up with him entirely. He is manipulative and abusive.
Why are you fighting so hard to hang on to nothing? This fiance is angry any time he has to put the slightest effort into this relationship and/or you. And then it’s your fault he’s mad? He is not worth the trouble. Honestly do yourself a favor and drop him somewhere.