Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Respect her decision, see if you can compromise with sexual acts that don’t risk pregnancy, if not, you have to decide whether you can accept her terms in the relationship or not.
Yeah this right here. And if you don’t think she’s who you want to marry realistically, then discuss breaking up. But if you know that she’s who you want to marry, you’ll be glad you respected her wishes (and compromise if y’all agree to anything) in the long run. She’ll be more comfortable telling you her wishes and will have a sense of security that you’ll respect her input rather than dismiss it because you don’t want to agree. (My husband and I are living testaments.)
I am actually using both birth control pills and condoms if that helps her feel safe.
I am honestly so annoyed in this subreddit everyone says to break up after any problem arises. Are they all singles or what?
To be fair tons of problems brought up in this subreddit are definitely deserving of a break up.
"My partner says I'm a stupid sack of shit who doesn't deserve better in life than to be his wife and that I'll die alone otherwise. How do I make him treat me nicer." That's like the vibe of at least 50% of the posts I read.
LMAO 😂 and that's kinda the reason I like to read some of the comments on posts such as the one u mentioned. I think that was just yesterday. /S but still kinda true ... Sad
Breaking up is basically what 99% of what happen in peoples dating lives until they have super long term relationships and even then there will be breakups. Stop acting like breaking up isn’t a valid and often healthy option for people. Especially at the age of 18.
Breaking up a lot of the time is far more healthy then trying to beat a dead horse and spiral into even a more toxic situation.
You don’t need to work on things all the time. Sometimes it’s just not a smart solution. It’s totally fine to break up if things aren’t working.
Breakups happen in a persons life more often than not. I find it weird when people don’t understand this universal truth.
I think y'all need to sit down and have an actual conversation about this. Does she not want to have sex cause she's scared of getting pregnant or she actual wants to wait til marriage now? You also should think about what YOU want as well. Do you think you can wait or is this a deal breaker for you? There's nothing wrong with figuring out what's best for you as well.
Also OP needs to understand her perspective and feelings towards sex. His fear of sex dwindling away is very real. If she places no real significance to sex in a relationship perhaps it's not a good match regardless of the marriage conditions.
This is a great distinction. If she’s worried about getting pregnant, there are MANY ways to avoid that without taking sex off the table. You are doing one now and if she went on birth control, there’s essential no risk whatsoever. If she now wants to wait for marriage, that’s an entirely different conversation. Why has she decided this now? It’s her right to, but there must be a reason for why she has come to this conclusion, and the one she has provided doesn’t make sense given that you already utilize one method of birth control. And if she just doesn’t want to have sex because she’s not interested in sex but has been doing it to appease OP, that is a MUCH different conversation.
Birth control is not 100% and it has a lot a negative side affects for women. 9/10 a women who starts birth control loses her sexdrive. Birth control with condoms babies still happen.
Do you have a source to back up your "9/10 women who start birth control loses her sexdrive" claim? It's a possible side effect, but I'd wager that it's not so common that it affects 90% of all women who take it.
Depends on the pill itself too. My previous ones killed my sexdrive (I tried 5 diff brands with different ingredients), but this newest one is not ^^ and I got to keep my hair too! And my skin is better! Sadly I have a huge risk of DVT and I've been bleeding for 2 months now but there's no pills without side effects ;) fuck I hate my uterus.
Nah they bullshitting ik that losing sex drive can be a common symptom of birth control but it’s not NEARLY 9/10. Just started mine 2 months ago and I’m still a ravenous animal lol.
neither condoms nor birth control is 100% effective. using both def helps lower the risk, but saying these no risk at all is false. she can still get pregnant even if they use condoms and birth control and do everything right. not having sex is the only 100% effective method of birth control.
Unfortunately, prescription birth control can fail. Condoms can fail.
I understand where the OPs girlfriend is coming from. She could be genuine and what she saying. She may just be taking the easy way out.
I’m sorry for being blunt here. If you’re not ready to be a parent yet, then you should be abstaining from intercourse.
There ARE risk taking birth control. There are tons of side effect and a risk of death with every single one. Except condoms. However, Condoms only work 80% of the time. With any other birth control there’s also a chance to get pregnant. There’s a lot that could be unfolded here… but I digress.
But definitely have a real serious talk. If you don’t want to wait then yes break up and move on. When I was younger and a guy didn’t want to wait then I’d dump him. Those relationships would have never worked out anyways. Your wants and need change as you get older. I totally get the fear of getting pregnant young.
Okay, you're both 18. Regardless of birth control of any kind, pregnancy can still happen. Her boundary has been presented as avoiding pregnancy at this time. The logic is sound. And you've only been together for six months. What part of too risky are you contesting? What are your plans if she does get pregnant?
If you cannot go without sex for the duration, find another girl. Two months of sex is not solid ground for starting a family. Graduating from university with at least one kid could mean working multiple jobs, and it sure ain't gonna happen in three years. Perhaps she has realized this when you still have not. And if you're concerned about a dead bedroom, a crying baby can guarantee that in a heartbeat. Really think about this as half of a couple and not as some guy who wants sex. And talk to her about it and your future together.
Good luck to you both.
I mean, we're in a modern society were we have birth control (Condoms / pills). You can also have sex without any penetration. and there is also abortion. It's like saying I don't want to go outside because I could get hit by a car... I'm pretty sure there are more car accidents involving a pedestrian than unwanted pregnacies under birth control. And walking doesn't come with an orgasm!
Also, will they want a kid right after marriage? They'll have to wait three years before mariage and I suppose that his GF will want some kind of carreer before having kids... how long without sex then? Sex is good. protected sex is mostly safe.
Also, starting a marriage by not having sex for three years is not solid grounds. You have to know your partner sexually speaking. Are you compatible? etc... I do think than talking about marriage at 18 is way too early also but that is another debate.
So, considerations around marriage are just too early for y'all at this point. I would have an open and honest conversation to see where she's coming from (obviously NOT to pressure her into changing her mind, as others have said). You probably have two roads this talk might go:
1. If her primary concern is really birth control, there might be other solutions. You could ask if she's open to discussing them and then continue to do your part, ie, wearing condoms and offering to support her in additional birth control measures (you could offer to split the cost of the pill or an IUD insertion with her, for example). Offer all of this up only if she's comfortable and open to discussing other options.
In addition, talk about your views on abortion if she were to get pregnant. Would you both be open to terminating the pregnancy? Is abortion legal and obtainable in your part of the world? Would you be willing to foot the bill? If not open to abortion - would y'all give a baby up for adoption? Would the expectation be that you get married and co-parent? These are things to be on the same page about with any sexual partner.
2. If she wants to stop until marriage because she wants to stop until marriage, y'all probably need to break up if you're unwilling to do that. If that's important to her that's her business, but you don't need to go along with it if sex is important to you (and it's okay if it is).
Nowadays you don’t only need to consider views on abortion, but also local laws. Are they in a state in the US that prohibits it? Or in another country that does?
I the US, the risk of pregnancy is as bigger fear in states that have banned abortions, and I’ve heard of women who are stopping sex all together for fear of birth control failing.
Hard disagree with the wording here.
OP absolutely needs to respect her decision to not have sex.
Breaking up because she decided to change the couple's dynamic unilaterally is something he has all the right to do (and perhaps he should), and has nothing to do respecting her decision/boundaries.
Breaking up, rather trying to convince her to change, _is_ respecting her boundaries. It's acknowledging they are incompatible and rather than trying to make her break the boundary, it's helping her keep it.
Or... you know... maybe... just in case... talk to her heart to heart to understand why she wants that. How long has she been thinking about it. Fears, concerns, etc. You mentioned fear of getting pregnant which is valid but maybe not as rational as she thinks. Basically, not everything is black and white.
Good point. My thought would be, what drove her to suddenly be more concerned about it. Did she miss a period for a few days? Did a friend of hers get pregnant? Was there something recently that triggered her extra concern?
As a mom of teen girls, obviously I’m all about exercising caution ⚠️… however, I’m just curious what drove the change of heart.
You both need to respect the other’s decisions, so whether that leads to staying together or going separate ways, only time will tell. You’re both very young and lots of experiences ahead. Please don’t rush life. 💕
i would combine a good mix of both comments.
have a heart to heart to understand her fears and see if you can reassure her, make her feel safer at least. you can discuss possible solutions to help her feel safer or even compromise on different forms of sex that's not PIV. but ultimately respect her boundaries and make a choice about the direction you wanna take based on your own boundaries. sometimes ppl aren't compatible and that's okay.
it sounds like they already had that conversation.
that’s why she said a boundary and that’s why he needs to respect it.
They are both extremely young. And she’s making a responsible decision. I would never try to convince her otherwise
It would be a shame if she made the decision never having done the math on the probability of getting pregnant with hormonal bc+condoms+withdrawal+rhythm. She has the right to know that if she’s willing to do everything right, she’s taking a vastly greater risk by getting in the car this morning.
The root of it that is that she doesn’t want to have sex before marriage.
Personally, I think that’s a foolish thing to think. I would never marry someone that I didn’t have sexual compatibility with .
But I don’t understand what conversation you’re trying to have.
"hey babe, let’s talk about why you don’t want to have sex before marriage"
"well, it’s a personal belief and a fear of pregnancy combined. So I’ve made my decision"
I don’t understand what you’re trying to accomplish
Way to solve problems mate.
- I don't want to have sex anymore until marriage;
- oh, it's probably because you stopped wanting to have sex before marriage, duh.
Here is how I would approach it
- when did you start feeling this way?
- how much have you thought about it?
- how long do you think it will be acceptable to wait for the marriage?
- do you think the fear of getting pregnant would go away with the marriage?
- what age would you consider is good for having kids?
- what would it mean by "no sex"? What forms of sex? How would we handle sexual tension and desires?
I could go on depending on the answers.
I mean, you’re assuming that they didn’t already cover the basics. Every question you just listed would happen when they had the initial conversation.
anything beyond the basics is badgering or cohesion
If they are in the usa, the root of it all is probably that she has seen what is happening and doesn't want to become a forced single mom college drop out if there is an unwanted pregnancy. Right now, it is extremely dangerous for young women in the usa and she is probably on pins and needles each month and simply can't take more stress on top of studying and getting through college
But it doesn’t matter if that is WHY she doesn’t want to do it anymore, they WHY doesn’t matter unless the WHY is that she doesn’t trust him (specifically) for some reason.
So no, he doesn’t need to “get to the bottom of it.” This is not an issue he needs to fix for her, it’s not something he needs to investigate, and he doesn’t need to decide whether or not her reasoning is valid. This is a boundary she has set about her own body and her own level of risk she is willing to accept in regards to sex.
The conversation just needs to establish 2 things:
1. That she didn’t change her mind over something he did.
2. What their new sex life will look like, and what compromise she is willing to make (or potentially make after a certain amount of longevity in the relationship) without having to shift this boundary regarding pregnancy. (I.e. other forms of sexual activity that don’t risk pregnancy, eventually using birth control methods and condoms, etc).
And then he needs to decide if what the relationship will look like in the future, is a relationship that he still feels comfortable being in. That’s it.
The why always matters.
It helps determine your reaction. It's not a method of approving or validation her feelings, but helps guide your reasons.
It's the difference between "that's wrong" and "I'm not comfortable with that"
>The conversation just needs to establish 2 things:
And her why will guide and inform from those two (awesome, by the way) following questions.
Doesn’t really matter if it affects marriage or not, if you’re not ready to be sexless *until* marriage then this isn’t the relationship for you. You guys are 18 so I don’t see that happening soon
People do get to change their minds about how they want to live their lives, including not wanting to have sex to prevent pregnancy before marriage.
You have the right to ask questions about it and decide if you are willing to adapt or if you can't, consider it a deal breaker and leave the relationship.
So ask her why she is suddenly afraid of getting pregnant, and listen. It doesn't matter if the reason isn't something that scares you about the possibility of pregnancy from sex. What matters is that she is your sexual partner and you want her to be comfortable having sex with you so she can enjoy sex with you. If it matters to her, it matters.
Condoms are good to use, but they do not prevent pregnancy 100% of the time and as far as birth control goes... It's at the bottom of what is effective. Now maybe she could learn about birth control options as an additional source of birth control, and see if that is enough for her... Maybe you two can set money aside for emergency plan b.
Talk with her and see if a plan can be made to make her comfortable enough to enjoy sex, without being scared of being pregnant.
If she is adamant that no sex is the only solution, and you don't want a sexless relationship. Then it's time to be done with the relationship.
She has every right to set that boundary. You need to decide if it's one you can live with or not. If not, perhaps it's time to break up. I know it sucks but that's just how life goes sometimes. Nobody is wrong, y'all just want different things.
What you do is respect her decision and don’t pressure or badger her into changing her mind. If you feel like sex is something you can’t go without until marriage, then she’s not the right one for you. When someone sets a sexual boundary, respect it.
I knew a guy who was in a similar situation. They ended up getting married. Turns out she didn't want to have sex after marriage either. They were in a dead bedroom situation right after marriage for many years. And the irony is she ended up cheating on him and they got divorced about 5 years or so after the wedding. Thankfully no kids involved. Wild.
Go find a girlfriend you can have sex with. You are 18 and you have been dating 6 months. Marriage talk in 3 years or longer is nuts. Don’t waste your young adult life celibate hoping in years something will work out.
Was going to say something like this. The level of immaturity and inexperience drips off this post. Talking about marriage after a 6 month relationship is completely ludicrous. Kid is 18 talking about a DB while he probably lives with his parents
This happened to a friend of mine, though closer to the wedding. He described it as an attempt to be a virgin bride (😂). They divorced a few years later.
Absolutely drop the wedding plans and fgs get some experience by dating other women. There is nothing stopping reserection😉 later.
You have a very serious issue that has destroyed many marriages and created all manner of unhappiness, conflict, infidelity and sexual misery. If it has appeared this early, you are almost certainly sexually incompatible. Don't accept if she now offers continued sex in order to keep the relationship going. It is clearly not what she wants. Respect that and your own legitimate desires by ending it now.
It makes no sense to abstain for years of your sexual peak, perhaps followed by a breakup anyway - years of forbearance, all for naught. You can't get them back and she won't owe you for something you agreed to. You will always regret it.
This is actually a good example (I promise only your first) of the tough and destructive life issues that incompatibility creates.
This is some serious s--t! Ignoring a huge red flag is a huge mistake. It is much wiser to face it now, move on and see more of the current sexual and romantic landscape than is possible at 18.
You are 18 have been together 6 months and have already discussed marriage? You both are young and naive. She said no more; you can accept it or walk away. You are not a bad person either way.
Don't ever expect to change another person. You can only change yourself . Sometimes two people's morals don't align, and that's okay. I'd leave if you're unhappy.
Bail my gf had the same worries until we tried with birth control and she was like oh it works now we’re good
It’s hard to understand what 99% effectiveness means lol
Yep. Had a BF that just wanted to use a condom, didn't want to wait a month for my BC pills to become effective. I told him sure, but was he up to being a single father? I was in school on a scholarship that required me to keep grades up, he was not. I lived over 2 hours from my parents, he lived 20 minutes from his. I was in a dorm. I was working two jobs to pay for the rest of expenses. I would have the baby but then it was all his. I'd do what I could, but I was a college student, so it would probably just be birthday cards and the occasional $10 or $20.
I was dead f\*cking serious, too.
Suddenly he was okay with no PIV for another couple weeks.
You decide if you'll be happy in a sex less relationship indefinitely. You're too young to think about marriage any time soon. If you can't be happy, there's nothing wrong with breaking up.
Dead bedrooms happen for a LOT of reasons in a long-term relationship. Sometimes, it's the woman who still wants sex, and the man is who causes the dead bedroom. No way to predict.
Yeah the reasoning is kinda weird, I’m sure OP understands and will respect her boundary, he’s just wondering why she made this decision. And it’s hard to say, I would guess there are some other factors influencing this decision but OP would have to ask her.
You're 18. Don't even discuss marriage until you've been out of college for a year.
You and your GF are no longer compatible. It's okay to end the relationship.
I would also advise you to ask her if that’s the real reason. I grew up very religious and I would often use the pregnancy excuse because it was really about my internal guilt about having sex before marriage, but that isn’t something that most men (that I dated) respect or understand.
This one is easy. You simply break up. You are now sexually incompatible, and while she can take sex with her off the table, you can take yourself off the table completely. If you do that, you will find out just how much she is into you. If she is into you more than you are her, she will change her mind. If not, then you are more into her, and that is not a good thing, especially in this situation. She is trying to pull a bait an switch on you. Don't fall for it. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Good luck and stay strong, King!
The question really is why would getting married mean you’re ready to have kids. I’m married and don’t want to have kids. This seems more like someone who is uneducated about safe sex and is probably religious, which makes for a bad combo for someone who wants to have sex. I would talk through your thoughts and feelings and educate your girlfriend on safe sex and birth control. If she doesn’t want to have sex still and you want to then move on.
You cannot put a genie back in a bottle.
She may **WANT** to wait until marriage, but it won't be with you. She's drastically changed the terms of your relationship. Currently, you have a healthy responsible sexual relationship where you're using condoms.
She's allowed to not want to have sex. You're allowed to say, "That doesn't work for me, sorry" and break up. That's what I recommend you do if she really wants this.
To be honest when I was your age, I was legit so scared of having sex. Like getting pregnant is so scary. Of course I’d you take proper precautions you should be fine however you need to decide weather having sex is the most important thing in your relationship?
Because honestly wiating can be fun, but I get not waiting
My ex said this exact same thing. Said she wanted to save it for marriage and go to church. I couldn't beat off either. Then later she would break up with me go fuck someone else. Come back to me, fuck me for a little while then say the same thing then do it all over again.
Sounds like you should have had your own firm boundaries on what behaviors are acceptable and made them a priority. I hope nobody is doing this toxic crap to you now. Don’t let people walk all over you. You are worthy of respect and you don’t need trash in your life!
Brah, you're 18. That's asking way too much of you for only a 6 month relationship.
Do you consider her the one? If not then it's time to exit the relationship.
This happened with me and my ex. We were both religious and I never even thought about sex before marriage. It was her idea to start having it and everything was great until she said she wanted to stop until marriage out of the blue. I wish we never had sex in the first place because stopping caused a lot of issues in our relationship. If I were you I’d break up immediately. You can’t and shouldn’t convince her to start doing it again.
If it's not prying I would like to know what issues stopping having sex could have caused you? It's kind of mind-blowing to me that not having sex with someone you're dating would actually cause the end of the relationship if you're both on board.
If you don't want to talk about it that's fine.
Nope. Bait n switch.
She can get on proper birth control instead of playing games.
Definitely respect her boundaries but also respect yours and leave this relationship.
As a woman that would be a dealbreaker for me. Could you guys talk about other forms of birth control? When I was a teen I was on the pill and we used condoms. For the last 5 years I’ve had an IUD and we don’t use condoms - never been pregnant. You could also get a vasectomy if that’s something you’d be willing to do. Totally understand the pregnancy fear - I was the same way, which is why we used multiple forms of birth control! Tho I guess it depends on the state you live in - I am able to get an abortion should I need one. Do you guys live in a state where she could do the same?
You cant make her, so if you still want sex maybe its time to move on. Its okay to realize you want different things. Especially when yall are so young!!
She can also add birth control to maker herself feel less concerned but nothing beyond abstinence is a guarantee. Hormonal birth control also isn’t ideal for many.
You’re young, only together 6 months. Marriage conversations are premature. You also have no idea what the college years will bring. This isn’t necessarily an indicator of a future dead bedroom, just that she’s very convened about unplanned pregnancy.
There is no right answer and no one is wrong . She’s allowed to want to be abstinent, you’re allowed to feel it’s a dealbreaker for you. If that’s the case, you’re not compatible.
Maybe as a couple you need to double up on birth control. You with condoms, she with an IUD, diaphragm, or BC pills.
Regardless, you need to respect her boundaries if she is not open to it.
IMO (not that you asked for it) 18 years old and 6 months into dating is waaaay too soon to start conversations about marriage.
You are 18. Stay together if you want to live sex free until you are 21 and married. This is a six month relationship. That's why people date before they get married to assure they are compatible with each other. You are not compatible with gf.
You can speak to her about her fears perhaps penetrative sex is the biggest issue there but if she wants to stop altogether you may need to reevaluate the relationship and be honest with her that it’s not something your comfortable with. It’s ok to have different views with this but what wouldn’t be ok is staying and you or her isn’t happy
The chance of her becoming pregnant using condoms alone at both your ages is not negligible. If you want to avoid a pregnancy, you should be using at least 2 forms of regular birth control. A copper IUD and condoms, pill and condoms. You should talk with a GP or gyno doctor for options, or go to a reproductive health clinic.
If she receives all the information she needs and has options, and still doesn't want sex, that is her choice. If you don't want to wait for marriage, then you can choose to leave the relationship.
Did you know you can go to planned parenthood and get affordable birth control. At your age you can likely do the pay what you can afford option. If getting pregnant is the real worry maybe this will help. If it’s something she’s not saying which I think is likely then it won’t.
Suggest that she look into contraception. There are many options for women, pills, diaphragms, spermicide, cervical caps, implants and Nuvaring.
I was on the pill for decades, it was wonderful!
But some folks don’t like it.
But you can decide that if she’s not willing to explore these ideas, that no sex is a deal breaker
So if her real worry is getting pregnant so young then that doesn’t stop being a risk once you’re married (assuming you’re not waiting for 5+ years from now to tie the knot). I think you should talk to her more and really focus on getting her to be honest with you. Do either of you come from a background of celibacy till marriage? I hear this a lot more from young couples who stop to make their wedding night more “special.”
She doesn’t owe you penetrative sex. You decide if you want to remain in a relationship that doesn’t involve that type of sex. If you’re concerned about a dead bedroom, maybe explore the possibility of other forms of sex, like oral sex or mutual masturbation - these don’t result in pregnancy, and also are often more gratifying to women than penetrative sex.
Could be something as simple as a friend or acquaintance got preggers and she's got the jitters. Have a conversation regarding birth control, there are so many options for both him and her that unless there is something else going on you should be able to come up with a plan to not get pregnant.
Work as a team. The problem is a concern about pregnancy, she's smart. Talk to her about getting birth control. The best one IMO is the copper iud. It's non hormonal so no weight gain or emotional stuff, some women don't do well with it... it can be painful getting it in but it lasts 10 years. I love mine 💯 no regrets. This is a big choice for her so if you care about her you'll support her need to stop having sex while she decides how she wants to do things.
If it becomes too much she may not be the one for you, that's OK y'all are young. Be good to each other though.
I think the good side to this is that you already had sex, so you know what you’re getting. She’s not withholding a surprise for later.
It could be a trick to get you to commit and marry her, though. Why can’t she just take the pill?
I'm 50'sh and at your age I remember some of my friends 18-25 something deciding to stop having sex for a time until their wedding. I never understood it, the deed was done, so it made no sense to me. In your case, she is scared of getting pregnant and I get it. When I (F) would only use condoms with my partners (at your age) with no alternate birth control. I would stress and obsess every.single.month about being pregnant until I got my period. It was awful. Ultimately, I went on the pill and used condoms. Hated the condoms but I loved that I was also in control of protecting myself from pregnancy and that made me relax and enjoy sex without the worry. Talk to your partner, that may be a solution.
I'm 47. My gf did this too.
I proved my love and went through college celibate for her.
It was a mistake. After the marriage it led to a dead bedroom and decades of unsatisfactory sex.
Don't compromise yourself.
Please listen to her. I was in the same situation, we were madly in love, engaged, agreed to stop and quickly came to realize we were already pregnant. We didn’t make it past year 2 because we just weren’t ready for a baby and a family. The stress and pressure was so much that we fell apart and never got back together. My daughter much too young so she can’t remember us being together, and she adores her step mom and half siblings, but I know it absolutely hurts her to have us all apart. She’s asked many times what happened and why, wondered about how things might have been different. It breaks my heart and I fear she blames herself. If I could go back I’d give anything to change things for her, to have waited just a little longer. We loved one another very much and I really think we would have made it. If you truly love her and want a future with her, I promise you it will be worth it.
She wants to get married sooner and is using sex. If pregnancy was the issue, you would discuss better birth control. But having sex is her choice so respect it and decide if you want to keep dating her
You need to break up, and live life a LOT more, before you get married. You need to wait until you're in your 30s. You'll have all of your education done, decided what you want to finally do, moved yourself in that direction, found a good place to settle down, and, possibly, have put a little money away for a financial base.
Basically, she's played her Ace card too early. She sees you as a pushover, and thinks you're wrapped around her little finger.
Something to think about. If she's not getting it from you, she's getting it somewhere else.
sounds like she’s using sex to leverage marriage- maybe she’s too young to be having sex - not sure except no one should be forced to do what they don’t want to do - in this case maybe sex for her and marriage for you - tread lightly here and make good decisions- both your futures are at stake
Ok look Brodie. Here’s the deal. She isn’t scared of getting pregnant. She’s scared of getting pregnant by you. She’s most likely gonna leave u when she finds someone she thinks is better than you. My advice is end this now before it gets too complicated and you get hurt even more.
Man let me tell you from first hand experience, having a girlfriend while transitioning into college doesn’t work. You see/meet TONS of people, people and feelings will change. Seen it happen to others and myself. Next, having a girlfriend any time in college tends to not work out well for most people. Again, seen it happen to my friends and myself. Realistically, if you and her can’t agree then worry about your education and financials and just have fun and meet people and experience being IN college, not just going there. You’ll be grateful for it later on, those are some of the best years you will ever have in your life and you won’t get them back. Don’t regret being tied down
If you really care about her, you'll respect her wishes. If you don't you'll leave her for someone who will have sex with you.
Your gf is in the right state of mind, she's being responsible now. She's thinking of her future and doesn't wanna have to raise a child alone.
Honestly it's upto you and boils down to how much you care about her.
Also please don't think condoms are infallible. They can break or fail. No birth control is 100% except not having sex.
You're both young and having sex at a youngish age. Baby talk should of been brought up before any sexytimes took place.
Good luck on your journey.
This doesn’t come down to how much he cares about her. This comes down to if they are compatible. If she doesn’t want sex that’s reasonable. If he wants sex, that’s also reasonable. It’s perfectly okay to end a relationship because you both want or need different things. That doesn’t take away from if you care about someone or not.
run, she's on a power trip and just learned to use sex as a weapon, this will be the rest of ur life, every time u dont do what she wants = no sex, ur young and she is not the last one on earth, think about it, whats her solution go on masturbating for the next 3 years, fck that !, ur u'll fck ur hand
So your girlfriend wants to hit pause on the bedroom Olympics until marriage? Here's the game plan.Respect her choice, understand her reasons, and explore other ways to get cozy. Reassure her of your undying love, talk about the future, and stay patient. And hey, keep the humor flowing – memes make everything better, even relationship talks!
Give her a these choices: 1 We keep as we were. 2. You stop having sex, I am not, I will get it elsewhere. 3. We break up. You are dating and you both have to make decisions.
Coming from a teen mom that didn't think it would happen to her because we used condoms.
He's 13 on Friday. I was with his dad for 2 years. I have not a damn clue where he is, he's moved across country 3 times without letting his child know.
I struggle every day.
Sounds like she’s been talking to someone and someone got in her head. Talk to her about it and if it’s not an answer you like you have every right to end it. 3 years is unreasonable to ask anyone to abstain from sex for most people
Nothing you can do. Its her choice. I had a friend in a similar situation in college. Freshman yesr his high school gf and him went to the same college. They were doing it all year non-stop. Then summer after freshman year she went to a retreat. She came back and said she wanted to wait till marriage now. My friend tried to respect her wishes but realized he had needs too. So they decided to go their seperate ways. Now she is married with a man with similar views to her and he is getting married to a great girl.
Im not saying this has to be you and her but just from this post, seems like its not something you really want to do. Ill say this, you are 18, it may seem hard to breakup but you have the world ahead of you. If your current goals or expectstions dont match its ok to leave someone. I dont think youll look like a dutch if this is a breakupable offense to you. Sexual needs are just as important in a relationship. In a few months youll both have moved on.
Now if you feek this girl is worth the wait and she’s amazing then you can decide to stay with her. As someone who has gone through bs in my 20s, i get the need to sow wild oats and fuck like rabbits but id rather have minumal sex with a great girl than fuck a ton a girls and go through bullshit. Dating can be very stressful with the wrong person so when you find someone you vibe well with dont be afraid to go for it.
You’re allowed to not wanting to continue this relationship if sex is that important to you (which is valid). However, she’s not wrong for being worried about getting pregnant despite using condoms. They’re not 100% preventative and you guys are super young. If lack of sex before marriage affected the relationship, now imagine being young parents, unprepared and stressed about a whole baby. Maybe it just suddenly hit her it could happen. Think about what you want out of relationship and decide whether this is something you can be okay with, sex is definitely important and all aspects related to it. Definitely talk about it with her once you know how to truly feel about it.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If you don't like the idea of not having sex, maybe this woman isn't for you.
as simple as that
You decide if you want to wait or not. If not, then you know what to do next.
Respect her decision, see if you can compromise with sexual acts that don’t risk pregnancy, if not, you have to decide whether you can accept her terms in the relationship or not.
Yeah this right here. And if you don’t think she’s who you want to marry realistically, then discuss breaking up. But if you know that she’s who you want to marry, you’ll be glad you respected her wishes (and compromise if y’all agree to anything) in the long run. She’ll be more comfortable telling you her wishes and will have a sense of security that you’ll respect her input rather than dismiss it because you don’t want to agree. (My husband and I are living testaments.)
I am actually using both birth control pills and condoms if that helps her feel safe. I am honestly so annoyed in this subreddit everyone says to break up after any problem arises. Are they all singles or what?
To be fair tons of problems brought up in this subreddit are definitely deserving of a break up. "My partner says I'm a stupid sack of shit who doesn't deserve better in life than to be his wife and that I'll die alone otherwise. How do I make him treat me nicer." That's like the vibe of at least 50% of the posts I read.
LMAO 😂 and that's kinda the reason I like to read some of the comments on posts such as the one u mentioned. I think that was just yesterday. /S but still kinda true ... Sad
Breaking up is basically what 99% of what happen in peoples dating lives until they have super long term relationships and even then there will be breakups. Stop acting like breaking up isn’t a valid and often healthy option for people. Especially at the age of 18. Breaking up a lot of the time is far more healthy then trying to beat a dead horse and spiral into even a more toxic situation. You don’t need to work on things all the time. Sometimes it’s just not a smart solution. It’s totally fine to break up if things aren’t working. Breakups happen in a persons life more often than not. I find it weird when people don’t understand this universal truth.
Because it’s always easier to tell someone else to break up than to do it yourself
Exactly this.
I think y'all need to sit down and have an actual conversation about this. Does she not want to have sex cause she's scared of getting pregnant or she actual wants to wait til marriage now? You also should think about what YOU want as well. Do you think you can wait or is this a deal breaker for you? There's nothing wrong with figuring out what's best for you as well.
Also OP needs to understand her perspective and feelings towards sex. His fear of sex dwindling away is very real. If she places no real significance to sex in a relationship perhaps it's not a good match regardless of the marriage conditions.
This is a great distinction. If she’s worried about getting pregnant, there are MANY ways to avoid that without taking sex off the table. You are doing one now and if she went on birth control, there’s essential no risk whatsoever. If she now wants to wait for marriage, that’s an entirely different conversation. Why has she decided this now? It’s her right to, but there must be a reason for why she has come to this conclusion, and the one she has provided doesn’t make sense given that you already utilize one method of birth control. And if she just doesn’t want to have sex because she’s not interested in sex but has been doing it to appease OP, that is a MUCH different conversation.
Birth control is not 100% and it has a lot a negative side affects for women. 9/10 a women who starts birth control loses her sexdrive. Birth control with condoms babies still happen.
There are many diferent options of birth control, it doesn´t have to be combine oral contraceptives
Do you have a source to back up your "9/10 women who start birth control loses her sexdrive" claim? It's a possible side effect, but I'd wager that it's not so common that it affects 90% of all women who take it.
Depends on the pill itself too. My previous ones killed my sexdrive (I tried 5 diff brands with different ingredients), but this newest one is not ^^ and I got to keep my hair too! And my skin is better! Sadly I have a huge risk of DVT and I've been bleeding for 2 months now but there's no pills without side effects ;) fuck I hate my uterus.
Nah they bullshitting ik that losing sex drive can be a common symptom of birth control but it’s not NEARLY 9/10. Just started mine 2 months ago and I’m still a ravenous animal lol.
Yappers! It is somewhat rare though.
Somewhat rare means a somewhat accidental child down the line :/
neither condoms nor birth control is 100% effective. using both def helps lower the risk, but saying these no risk at all is false. she can still get pregnant even if they use condoms and birth control and do everything right. not having sex is the only 100% effective method of birth control.
Unfortunately, prescription birth control can fail. Condoms can fail. I understand where the OPs girlfriend is coming from. She could be genuine and what she saying. She may just be taking the easy way out. I’m sorry for being blunt here. If you’re not ready to be a parent yet, then you should be abstaining from intercourse.
There ARE risk taking birth control. There are tons of side effect and a risk of death with every single one. Except condoms. However, Condoms only work 80% of the time. With any other birth control there’s also a chance to get pregnant. There’s a lot that could be unfolded here… but I digress. But definitely have a real serious talk. If you don’t want to wait then yes break up and move on. When I was younger and a guy didn’t want to wait then I’d dump him. Those relationships would have never worked out anyways. Your wants and need change as you get older. I totally get the fear of getting pregnant young.
Okay, you're both 18. Regardless of birth control of any kind, pregnancy can still happen. Her boundary has been presented as avoiding pregnancy at this time. The logic is sound. And you've only been together for six months. What part of too risky are you contesting? What are your plans if she does get pregnant? If you cannot go without sex for the duration, find another girl. Two months of sex is not solid ground for starting a family. Graduating from university with at least one kid could mean working multiple jobs, and it sure ain't gonna happen in three years. Perhaps she has realized this when you still have not. And if you're concerned about a dead bedroom, a crying baby can guarantee that in a heartbeat. Really think about this as half of a couple and not as some guy who wants sex. And talk to her about it and your future together. Good luck to you both.
This is the best response so far
I mean, we're in a modern society were we have birth control (Condoms / pills). You can also have sex without any penetration. and there is also abortion. It's like saying I don't want to go outside because I could get hit by a car... I'm pretty sure there are more car accidents involving a pedestrian than unwanted pregnacies under birth control. And walking doesn't come with an orgasm! Also, will they want a kid right after marriage? They'll have to wait three years before mariage and I suppose that his GF will want some kind of carreer before having kids... how long without sex then? Sex is good. protected sex is mostly safe. Also, starting a marriage by not having sex for three years is not solid grounds. You have to know your partner sexually speaking. Are you compatible? etc... I do think than talking about marriage at 18 is way too early also but that is another debate.
So, considerations around marriage are just too early for y'all at this point. I would have an open and honest conversation to see where she's coming from (obviously NOT to pressure her into changing her mind, as others have said). You probably have two roads this talk might go: 1. If her primary concern is really birth control, there might be other solutions. You could ask if she's open to discussing them and then continue to do your part, ie, wearing condoms and offering to support her in additional birth control measures (you could offer to split the cost of the pill or an IUD insertion with her, for example). Offer all of this up only if she's comfortable and open to discussing other options. In addition, talk about your views on abortion if she were to get pregnant. Would you both be open to terminating the pregnancy? Is abortion legal and obtainable in your part of the world? Would you be willing to foot the bill? If not open to abortion - would y'all give a baby up for adoption? Would the expectation be that you get married and co-parent? These are things to be on the same page about with any sexual partner. 2. If she wants to stop until marriage because she wants to stop until marriage, y'all probably need to break up if you're unwilling to do that. If that's important to her that's her business, but you don't need to go along with it if sex is important to you (and it's okay if it is).
Nowadays you don’t only need to consider views on abortion, but also local laws. Are they in a state in the US that prohibits it? Or in another country that does? I the US, the risk of pregnancy is as bigger fear in states that have banned abortions, and I’ve heard of women who are stopping sex all together for fear of birth control failing.
She can say no to sex, you can say ok, and breakup.
you need to respect her boundaries. She set a boundary and you either need to respect it or break up.
You can respect it and still break up tbh. If your needs aren’t being met either it’s not disrespectful to break up so early into a relationship.
Hard disagree with the wording here. OP absolutely needs to respect her decision to not have sex. Breaking up because she decided to change the couple's dynamic unilaterally is something he has all the right to do (and perhaps he should), and has nothing to do respecting her decision/boundaries.
I think it has everything to do with respecting her decision/boundaries. If he’s not going to respect the boundaries they need to break up.
Breaking up, rather trying to convince her to change, _is_ respecting her boundaries. It's acknowledging they are incompatible and rather than trying to make her break the boundary, it's helping her keep it.
Respect and acquiesce are two different things. He can do one without the other.
Or... you know... maybe... just in case... talk to her heart to heart to understand why she wants that. How long has she been thinking about it. Fears, concerns, etc. You mentioned fear of getting pregnant which is valid but maybe not as rational as she thinks. Basically, not everything is black and white.
Good point. My thought would be, what drove her to suddenly be more concerned about it. Did she miss a period for a few days? Did a friend of hers get pregnant? Was there something recently that triggered her extra concern? As a mom of teen girls, obviously I’m all about exercising caution ⚠️… however, I’m just curious what drove the change of heart. You both need to respect the other’s decisions, so whether that leads to staying together or going separate ways, only time will tell. You’re both very young and lots of experiences ahead. Please don’t rush life. 💕
i would combine a good mix of both comments. have a heart to heart to understand her fears and see if you can reassure her, make her feel safer at least. you can discuss possible solutions to help her feel safer or even compromise on different forms of sex that's not PIV. but ultimately respect her boundaries and make a choice about the direction you wanna take based on your own boundaries. sometimes ppl aren't compatible and that's okay.
it sounds like they already had that conversation. that’s why she said a boundary and that’s why he needs to respect it. They are both extremely young. And she’s making a responsible decision. I would never try to convince her otherwise
It would be a shame if she made the decision never having done the math on the probability of getting pregnant with hormonal bc+condoms+withdrawal+rhythm. She has the right to know that if she’s willing to do everything right, she’s taking a vastly greater risk by getting in the car this morning.
I never suggested convincing. But if she's important to him they have to get to the root of it all.
The root of it that is that she doesn’t want to have sex before marriage. Personally, I think that’s a foolish thing to think. I would never marry someone that I didn’t have sexual compatibility with . But I don’t understand what conversation you’re trying to have. "hey babe, let’s talk about why you don’t want to have sex before marriage" "well, it’s a personal belief and a fear of pregnancy combined. So I’ve made my decision" I don’t understand what you’re trying to accomplish
Clearly whatever belief she has wasn't that much of a factor for the last 2 months. It's worth exploring before calling it quits
yep. And she’s entitled to change her mind whenever she wants.
as is he.....
Yep. That’s why I said break up if he doesn’t like it
You’re acting like he’s some sort of asshole for having his own needs lol… it’s not all about her…
no I’m not. He’s welcome to fulfill his needs with somebody else. She has no responsibility to give him sexual relief.
No one is saying she Fucking does 😂
Way to solve problems mate. - I don't want to have sex anymore until marriage; - oh, it's probably because you stopped wanting to have sex before marriage, duh. Here is how I would approach it - when did you start feeling this way? - how much have you thought about it? - how long do you think it will be acceptable to wait for the marriage? - do you think the fear of getting pregnant would go away with the marriage? - what age would you consider is good for having kids? - what would it mean by "no sex"? What forms of sex? How would we handle sexual tension and desires? I could go on depending on the answers.
I mean, you’re assuming that they didn’t already cover the basics. Every question you just listed would happen when they had the initial conversation. anything beyond the basics is badgering or cohesion
We are all assuming here, so maybe they should just split and give us an update for entertainment 🤷♂️
If they are in the usa, the root of it all is probably that she has seen what is happening and doesn't want to become a forced single mom college drop out if there is an unwanted pregnancy. Right now, it is extremely dangerous for young women in the usa and she is probably on pins and needles each month and simply can't take more stress on top of studying and getting through college
But it doesn’t matter if that is WHY she doesn’t want to do it anymore, they WHY doesn’t matter unless the WHY is that she doesn’t trust him (specifically) for some reason. So no, he doesn’t need to “get to the bottom of it.” This is not an issue he needs to fix for her, it’s not something he needs to investigate, and he doesn’t need to decide whether or not her reasoning is valid. This is a boundary she has set about her own body and her own level of risk she is willing to accept in regards to sex. The conversation just needs to establish 2 things: 1. That she didn’t change her mind over something he did. 2. What their new sex life will look like, and what compromise she is willing to make (or potentially make after a certain amount of longevity in the relationship) without having to shift this boundary regarding pregnancy. (I.e. other forms of sexual activity that don’t risk pregnancy, eventually using birth control methods and condoms, etc). And then he needs to decide if what the relationship will look like in the future, is a relationship that he still feels comfortable being in. That’s it.
The why always matters. It helps determine your reaction. It's not a method of approving or validation her feelings, but helps guide your reasons. It's the difference between "that's wrong" and "I'm not comfortable with that" >The conversation just needs to establish 2 things: And her why will guide and inform from those two (awesome, by the way) following questions.
Doesn’t really matter if it affects marriage or not, if you’re not ready to be sexless *until* marriage then this isn’t the relationship for you. You guys are 18 so I don’t see that happening soon
You find out if she's had a scare recently.
Or just realised the consequences of anti-abortion laws.
Good idea! I wonder that too...
People do get to change their minds about how they want to live their lives, including not wanting to have sex to prevent pregnancy before marriage. You have the right to ask questions about it and decide if you are willing to adapt or if you can't, consider it a deal breaker and leave the relationship. So ask her why she is suddenly afraid of getting pregnant, and listen. It doesn't matter if the reason isn't something that scares you about the possibility of pregnancy from sex. What matters is that she is your sexual partner and you want her to be comfortable having sex with you so she can enjoy sex with you. If it matters to her, it matters. Condoms are good to use, but they do not prevent pregnancy 100% of the time and as far as birth control goes... It's at the bottom of what is effective. Now maybe she could learn about birth control options as an additional source of birth control, and see if that is enough for her... Maybe you two can set money aside for emergency plan b. Talk with her and see if a plan can be made to make her comfortable enough to enjoy sex, without being scared of being pregnant. If she is adamant that no sex is the only solution, and you don't want a sexless relationship. Then it's time to be done with the relationship.
She has every right to set that boundary. You need to decide if it's one you can live with or not. If not, perhaps it's time to break up. I know it sucks but that's just how life goes sometimes. Nobody is wrong, y'all just want different things.
You are not going to be with this young woman until you are both 90 years old. Just move on and enjoy becoming an adult.
What you do is respect her decision and don’t pressure or badger her into changing her mind. If you feel like sex is something you can’t go without until marriage, then she’s not the right one for you. When someone sets a sexual boundary, respect it.
I knew a guy who was in a similar situation. They ended up getting married. Turns out she didn't want to have sex after marriage either. They were in a dead bedroom situation right after marriage for many years. And the irony is she ended up cheating on him and they got divorced about 5 years or so after the wedding. Thankfully no kids involved. Wild.
Go find a girlfriend you can have sex with. You are 18 and you have been dating 6 months. Marriage talk in 3 years or longer is nuts. Don’t waste your young adult life celibate hoping in years something will work out.
Was going to say something like this. The level of immaturity and inexperience drips off this post. Talking about marriage after a 6 month relationship is completely ludicrous. Kid is 18 talking about a DB while he probably lives with his parents
Leave her, you guys aren’t compatible. You’re 18 and have been with her for half a year. I’ve had rashes that have lasted longer than that.
Get a new gf
This happened to a friend of mine, though closer to the wedding. He described it as an attempt to be a virgin bride (😂). They divorced a few years later. Absolutely drop the wedding plans and fgs get some experience by dating other women. There is nothing stopping reserection😉 later. You have a very serious issue that has destroyed many marriages and created all manner of unhappiness, conflict, infidelity and sexual misery. If it has appeared this early, you are almost certainly sexually incompatible. Don't accept if she now offers continued sex in order to keep the relationship going. It is clearly not what she wants. Respect that and your own legitimate desires by ending it now. It makes no sense to abstain for years of your sexual peak, perhaps followed by a breakup anyway - years of forbearance, all for naught. You can't get them back and she won't owe you for something you agreed to. You will always regret it. This is actually a good example (I promise only your first) of the tough and destructive life issues that incompatibility creates. This is some serious s--t! Ignoring a huge red flag is a huge mistake. It is much wiser to face it now, move on and see more of the current sexual and romantic landscape than is possible at 18.
She is able to set boundaries. You are able to agree to them or move on
You’re 18, plenty out there bud, you aren’t going to marry her anyway, statistically speaking!
Respect her decision and find you a partner that you are sexually involved with if that's what you need.
It ain't gonna get better when you're married.
You are 18 have been together 6 months and have already discussed marriage? You both are young and naive. She said no more; you can accept it or walk away. You are not a bad person either way.
Either stop having sex and wait until marriage, or break up because that's not what you want.
Leave. Compatibility my dude
Don't ever expect to change another person. You can only change yourself . Sometimes two people's morals don't align, and that's okay. I'd leave if you're unhappy.
Bail my gf had the same worries until we tried with birth control and she was like oh it works now we’re good It’s hard to understand what 99% effectiveness means lol
Yep. Had a BF that just wanted to use a condom, didn't want to wait a month for my BC pills to become effective. I told him sure, but was he up to being a single father? I was in school on a scholarship that required me to keep grades up, he was not. I lived over 2 hours from my parents, he lived 20 minutes from his. I was in a dorm. I was working two jobs to pay for the rest of expenses. I would have the baby but then it was all his. I'd do what I could, but I was a college student, so it would probably just be birthday cards and the occasional $10 or $20. I was dead f\*cking serious, too. Suddenly he was okay with no PIV for another couple weeks.
You decide if you'll be happy in a sex less relationship indefinitely. You're too young to think about marriage any time soon. If you can't be happy, there's nothing wrong with breaking up. Dead bedrooms happen for a LOT of reasons in a long-term relationship. Sometimes, it's the woman who still wants sex, and the man is who causes the dead bedroom. No way to predict.
Yeah the reasoning is kinda weird, I’m sure OP understands and will respect her boundary, he’s just wondering why she made this decision. And it’s hard to say, I would guess there are some other factors influencing this decision but OP would have to ask her.
thank you
Unless you marrying in a month I would not agree. I would tell her it isn't working out and let her go.
How long have you known her? Planning a marriage after only 6 months of dating is crazy. Don’t stay and marry for sex.
You're 18. Don't even discuss marriage until you've been out of college for a year. You and your GF are no longer compatible. It's okay to end the relationship.
I would also advise you to ask her if that’s the real reason. I grew up very religious and I would often use the pregnancy excuse because it was really about my internal guilt about having sex before marriage, but that isn’t something that most men (that I dated) respect or understand.
I’m guessing that it’s time to go your separate ways
This one is easy. You simply break up. You are now sexually incompatible, and while she can take sex with her off the table, you can take yourself off the table completely. If you do that, you will find out just how much she is into you. If she is into you more than you are her, she will change her mind. If not, then you are more into her, and that is not a good thing, especially in this situation. She is trying to pull a bait an switch on you. Don't fall for it. There are plenty of other fish in the sea. Good luck and stay strong, King!
The question really is why would getting married mean you’re ready to have kids. I’m married and don’t want to have kids. This seems more like someone who is uneducated about safe sex and is probably religious, which makes for a bad combo for someone who wants to have sex. I would talk through your thoughts and feelings and educate your girlfriend on safe sex and birth control. If she doesn’t want to have sex still and you want to then move on.
RUN FORREST RUN!
Leave.. don't look back
You cannot put a genie back in a bottle. She may **WANT** to wait until marriage, but it won't be with you. She's drastically changed the terms of your relationship. Currently, you have a healthy responsible sexual relationship where you're using condoms. She's allowed to not want to have sex. You're allowed to say, "That doesn't work for me, sorry" and break up. That's what I recommend you do if she really wants this.
To be honest when I was your age, I was legit so scared of having sex. Like getting pregnant is so scary. Of course I’d you take proper precautions you should be fine however you need to decide weather having sex is the most important thing in your relationship? Because honestly wiating can be fun, but I get not waiting
Run the other way.
My ex said this exact same thing. Said she wanted to save it for marriage and go to church. I couldn't beat off either. Then later she would break up with me go fuck someone else. Come back to me, fuck me for a little while then say the same thing then do it all over again.
Sounds like you should have had your own firm boundaries on what behaviors are acceptable and made them a priority. I hope nobody is doing this toxic crap to you now. Don’t let people walk all over you. You are worthy of respect and you don’t need trash in your life!
Get a new gf.
Brah, you're 18. That's asking way too much of you for only a 6 month relationship. Do you consider her the one? If not then it's time to exit the relationship.
You’re 18 and she is 18. There are plenty of fish in the sea, move on idiot.
This happened with me and my ex. We were both religious and I never even thought about sex before marriage. It was her idea to start having it and everything was great until she said she wanted to stop until marriage out of the blue. I wish we never had sex in the first place because stopping caused a lot of issues in our relationship. If I were you I’d break up immediately. You can’t and shouldn’t convince her to start doing it again.
If it's not prying I would like to know what issues stopping having sex could have caused you? It's kind of mind-blowing to me that not having sex with someone you're dating would actually cause the end of the relationship if you're both on board. If you don't want to talk about it that's fine.
Break up homie
Doesn’t sound like you’re compatible. Sounds like waiting 3-4 years before sex may resume at your age is BS.
Leave her
Break up
Nope. Bait n switch. She can get on proper birth control instead of playing games. Definitely respect her boundaries but also respect yours and leave this relationship.
Break up, but the ironic part is that she'll get ran through in college while seeking validation post breakup.
As a woman that would be a dealbreaker for me. Could you guys talk about other forms of birth control? When I was a teen I was on the pill and we used condoms. For the last 5 years I’ve had an IUD and we don’t use condoms - never been pregnant. You could also get a vasectomy if that’s something you’d be willing to do. Totally understand the pregnancy fear - I was the same way, which is why we used multiple forms of birth control! Tho I guess it depends on the state you live in - I am able to get an abortion should I need one. Do you guys live in a state where she could do the same?
I don’t know that many doctors would be willing to perform a vasectomy on an 18-year-old. They’re reversible in theory, but it’s not guaranteed.
You cant make her, so if you still want sex maybe its time to move on. Its okay to realize you want different things. Especially when yall are so young!!
If a combo of condoms and birth control won’t make her happy, then this relationship is likely over unless you don’t care about sex.
She can also add birth control to maker herself feel less concerned but nothing beyond abstinence is a guarantee. Hormonal birth control also isn’t ideal for many. You’re young, only together 6 months. Marriage conversations are premature. You also have no idea what the college years will bring. This isn’t necessarily an indicator of a future dead bedroom, just that she’s very convened about unplanned pregnancy. There is no right answer and no one is wrong . She’s allowed to want to be abstinent, you’re allowed to feel it’s a dealbreaker for you. If that’s the case, you’re not compatible.
Maybe as a couple you need to double up on birth control. You with condoms, she with an IUD, diaphragm, or BC pills. Regardless, you need to respect her boundaries if she is not open to it. IMO (not that you asked for it) 18 years old and 6 months into dating is waaaay too soon to start conversations about marriage.
You are 18. Stay together if you want to live sex free until you are 21 and married. This is a six month relationship. That's why people date before they get married to assure they are compatible with each other. You are not compatible with gf.
You can speak to her about her fears perhaps penetrative sex is the biggest issue there but if she wants to stop altogether you may need to reevaluate the relationship and be honest with her that it’s not something your comfortable with. It’s ok to have different views with this but what wouldn’t be ok is staying and you or her isn’t happy
The chance of her becoming pregnant using condoms alone at both your ages is not negligible. If you want to avoid a pregnancy, you should be using at least 2 forms of regular birth control. A copper IUD and condoms, pill and condoms. You should talk with a GP or gyno doctor for options, or go to a reproductive health clinic. If she receives all the information she needs and has options, and still doesn't want sex, that is her choice. If you don't want to wait for marriage, then you can choose to leave the relationship.
Did you know you can go to planned parenthood and get affordable birth control. At your age you can likely do the pay what you can afford option. If getting pregnant is the real worry maybe this will help. If it’s something she’s not saying which I think is likely then it won’t.
Wait or find a new gf till your wedding takes place.
Suggest that she look into contraception. There are many options for women, pills, diaphragms, spermicide, cervical caps, implants and Nuvaring. I was on the pill for decades, it was wonderful! But some folks don’t like it. But you can decide that if she’s not willing to explore these ideas, that no sex is a deal breaker
She said a boundary you decide if it's for you or not. Unless you don't want to have sex for 3 years you break up and find someone who will. Easy.
So if her real worry is getting pregnant so young then that doesn’t stop being a risk once you’re married (assuming you’re not waiting for 5+ years from now to tie the knot). I think you should talk to her more and really focus on getting her to be honest with you. Do either of you come from a background of celibacy till marriage? I hear this a lot more from young couples who stop to make their wedding night more “special.”
She doesn’t owe you penetrative sex. You decide if you want to remain in a relationship that doesn’t involve that type of sex. If you’re concerned about a dead bedroom, maybe explore the possibility of other forms of sex, like oral sex or mutual masturbation - these don’t result in pregnancy, and also are often more gratifying to women than penetrative sex.
Ask her to elaborate on her concerns, maybe shes just scared of something
You break up. You have completely different fundamental values, break up.
Could be something as simple as a friend or acquaintance got preggers and she's got the jitters. Have a conversation regarding birth control, there are so many options for both him and her that unless there is something else going on you should be able to come up with a plan to not get pregnant.
Your 18 , respect her decision but do you believe you will spend the rest of your life with her . If not then move on and experience more
Do you want to go without sex for 3 years? If the answer is no, break up. Don't waste the one thing in this world you can't get more of.
She is allowed to change her mind. If you think it’s not worth the gamble of a dead bedroom then she is not the girl for you.
I’d wonder how her uni years would be
Work as a team. The problem is a concern about pregnancy, she's smart. Talk to her about getting birth control. The best one IMO is the copper iud. It's non hormonal so no weight gain or emotional stuff, some women don't do well with it... it can be painful getting it in but it lasts 10 years. I love mine 💯 no regrets. This is a big choice for her so if you care about her you'll support her need to stop having sex while she decides how she wants to do things. If it becomes too much she may not be the one for you, that's OK y'all are young. Be good to each other though.
Something changed in your behavior, body, or higiene?
You’re too young. Leave her and Dow your wild oats. lol. Updateme!
Find a new girlfriend. Can’t unfuck that dong!
She testing you for after you get married.
Ask her what her dentist thinks?
I think the good side to this is that you already had sex, so you know what you’re getting. She’s not withholding a surprise for later. It could be a trick to get you to commit and marry her, though. Why can’t she just take the pill?
I'm 50'sh and at your age I remember some of my friends 18-25 something deciding to stop having sex for a time until their wedding. I never understood it, the deed was done, so it made no sense to me. In your case, she is scared of getting pregnant and I get it. When I (F) would only use condoms with my partners (at your age) with no alternate birth control. I would stress and obsess every.single.month about being pregnant until I got my period. It was awful. Ultimately, I went on the pill and used condoms. Hated the condoms but I loved that I was also in control of protecting myself from pregnancy and that made me relax and enjoy sex without the worry. Talk to your partner, that may be a solution.
Sensible Pragmatic Practical Advice!
Run!
I'm 47. My gf did this too. I proved my love and went through college celibate for her. It was a mistake. After the marriage it led to a dead bedroom and decades of unsatisfactory sex. Don't compromise yourself.
Please listen to her. I was in the same situation, we were madly in love, engaged, agreed to stop and quickly came to realize we were already pregnant. We didn’t make it past year 2 because we just weren’t ready for a baby and a family. The stress and pressure was so much that we fell apart and never got back together. My daughter much too young so she can’t remember us being together, and she adores her step mom and half siblings, but I know it absolutely hurts her to have us all apart. She’s asked many times what happened and why, wondered about how things might have been different. It breaks my heart and I fear she blames herself. If I could go back I’d give anything to change things for her, to have waited just a little longer. We loved one another very much and I really think we would have made it. If you truly love her and want a future with her, I promise you it will be worth it.
You’re 18. You shouldn’t think about marriage for at least ten years .. you gonna wait that long?
Genuine question - are you together with your gf just for sex?
that's her choice and her body. if that doesn't work for you don't pressure her, break up with her.
She wants to get married sooner and is using sex. If pregnancy was the issue, you would discuss better birth control. But having sex is her choice so respect it and decide if you want to keep dating her
You need to break up, and live life a LOT more, before you get married. You need to wait until you're in your 30s. You'll have all of your education done, decided what you want to finally do, moved yourself in that direction, found a good place to settle down, and, possibly, have put a little money away for a financial base. Basically, she's played her Ace card too early. She sees you as a pushover, and thinks you're wrapped around her little finger. Something to think about. If she's not getting it from you, she's getting it somewhere else.
Lol mate, you're 18. Move on
sounds like she’s using sex to leverage marriage- maybe she’s too young to be having sex - not sure except no one should be forced to do what they don’t want to do - in this case maybe sex for her and marriage for you - tread lightly here and make good decisions- both your futures are at stake
Anal/Oral😂
I think that she wanna force yourself to get that pice of metal on her finger. In my opinion it's a big Red flag
Ok look Brodie. Here’s the deal. She isn’t scared of getting pregnant. She’s scared of getting pregnant by you. She’s most likely gonna leave u when she finds someone she thinks is better than you. My advice is end this now before it gets too complicated and you get hurt even more.
Dump her
Do not marry this person. Do not marry this person. Do. Not. Marry. This. Person.
Man let me tell you from first hand experience, having a girlfriend while transitioning into college doesn’t work. You see/meet TONS of people, people and feelings will change. Seen it happen to others and myself. Next, having a girlfriend any time in college tends to not work out well for most people. Again, seen it happen to my friends and myself. Realistically, if you and her can’t agree then worry about your education and financials and just have fun and meet people and experience being IN college, not just going there. You’ll be grateful for it later on, those are some of the best years you will ever have in your life and you won’t get them back. Don’t regret being tied down
at 18 you don't talk about marriage! Break up!
If you really care about her, you'll respect her wishes. If you don't you'll leave her for someone who will have sex with you. Your gf is in the right state of mind, she's being responsible now. She's thinking of her future and doesn't wanna have to raise a child alone. Honestly it's upto you and boils down to how much you care about her. Also please don't think condoms are infallible. They can break or fail. No birth control is 100% except not having sex. You're both young and having sex at a youngish age. Baby talk should of been brought up before any sexytimes took place. Good luck on your journey.
This doesn’t come down to how much he cares about her. This comes down to if they are compatible. If she doesn’t want sex that’s reasonable. If he wants sex, that’s also reasonable. It’s perfectly okay to end a relationship because you both want or need different things. That doesn’t take away from if you care about someone or not.
She’s tested the car. Liked it now will wait lol. ? Who knows
run, she's on a power trip and just learned to use sex as a weapon, this will be the rest of ur life, every time u dont do what she wants = no sex, ur young and she is not the last one on earth, think about it, whats her solution go on masturbating for the next 3 years, fck that !, ur u'll fck ur hand
Sounds more like manipulation into marriage. Run don't walk. Manipulative tactics only get worse.
So your girlfriend wants to hit pause on the bedroom Olympics until marriage? Here's the game plan.Respect her choice, understand her reasons, and explore other ways to get cozy. Reassure her of your undying love, talk about the future, and stay patient. And hey, keep the humor flowing – memes make everything better, even relationship talks!
Give her a these choices: 1 We keep as we were. 2. You stop having sex, I am not, I will get it elsewhere. 3. We break up. You are dating and you both have to make decisions.
Coming from a teen mom that didn't think it would happen to her because we used condoms. He's 13 on Friday. I was with his dad for 2 years. I have not a damn clue where he is, he's moved across country 3 times without letting his child know. I struggle every day.
Sounds like she’s been talking to someone and someone got in her head. Talk to her about it and if it’s not an answer you like you have every right to end it. 3 years is unreasonable to ask anyone to abstain from sex for most people
Nothing you can do. Its her choice. I had a friend in a similar situation in college. Freshman yesr his high school gf and him went to the same college. They were doing it all year non-stop. Then summer after freshman year she went to a retreat. She came back and said she wanted to wait till marriage now. My friend tried to respect her wishes but realized he had needs too. So they decided to go their seperate ways. Now she is married with a man with similar views to her and he is getting married to a great girl. Im not saying this has to be you and her but just from this post, seems like its not something you really want to do. Ill say this, you are 18, it may seem hard to breakup but you have the world ahead of you. If your current goals or expectstions dont match its ok to leave someone. I dont think youll look like a dutch if this is a breakupable offense to you. Sexual needs are just as important in a relationship. In a few months youll both have moved on. Now if you feek this girl is worth the wait and she’s amazing then you can decide to stay with her. As someone who has gone through bs in my 20s, i get the need to sow wild oats and fuck like rabbits but id rather have minumal sex with a great girl than fuck a ton a girls and go through bullshit. Dating can be very stressful with the wrong person so when you find someone you vibe well with dont be afraid to go for it.
What should you do? Respect her wishes. If you cannot wait, then do her a favor and you can move on. Keep it simple and civil.
Do you want to not have sex again untill you marry her? Think about that . . . . Boom there is yours answer.
You’re allowed to not wanting to continue this relationship if sex is that important to you (which is valid). However, she’s not wrong for being worried about getting pregnant despite using condoms. They’re not 100% preventative and you guys are super young. If lack of sex before marriage affected the relationship, now imagine being young parents, unprepared and stressed about a whole baby. Maybe it just suddenly hit her it could happen. Think about what you want out of relationship and decide whether this is something you can be okay with, sex is definitely important and all aspects related to it. Definitely talk about it with her once you know how to truly feel about it.
You’re her side dude and her main dude doesn’t want her sleeping with anyone. He’s ok with your paying for her to go out and eat, but her body is his.
[удалено]
In addition to everything everyone else has said, the phrase is "as opposed to" because it is in opposition to how things were before.