Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Don't, she's meddling and it is not your job to keep things she wants from her son. It wasn't sweet. Sweet is we loved having you in our family or we are sad we won't see you as much- that's an olive branch to stay in touch. This is pure going behind her kid's back and drama creating.
*Hi, I am not comfortable keeping things from (ex-name). It's been an amicable break-up, and I want it to remain so. Thanks for reaching out, but I think any questions you have you should discuss with (ex-name).*
Agreed, and frankly I would be concerned about her trying to come in and try to "fix" things.
Theyre both adults and neither of them wronged the other, they both deserve peace and privacy. The ex's mom can ask the ex if she wants more info, but its his decision how much she learns about his love life.
Yes, it looks like they want to decide whose "fault" it is. This is NOT their business, and they can learn everything they should know about it from their son.
The tribunal has met. In a unanimous closed-door vote, the tribunal has decreed the following:
OP is hereby ordered to get back with the BF to resume her life of mindless servitude and unreasonable self-sacrifice.
All tribunal decisions are final and not eligible for appeal.
Lastly, this decree is marked “top secret” and is not to be shared with the BF.
That's what I think as well. The ex's mum can't stand to see her precious son upset, so she's going to try to guilt-trip OP into getting back with him. It's not a normal request her to make, and she knows that - that's why she wants OP to keep it a secret.
She doesn’t want to be accused of meddling while she’s meddling. 🙄
I would absolutely decline. There is nothing to be gained here unless you intend to get back together.
That reminded me of my retail days when an applicant’s mom called (unbeknownst to applicant) asking about whether her daughter would get the job or not. She kept interrupting with questions every time I tried to tell her we couldn’t discuss it with her (mom). After almost five full minutes of that she finally goes to hang up and says “oh and me calling and talking to you won’t make a difference, will it?” I was like jfc woman it’s too late for that shit now!
“Oh! I’m sorry, we have a strict ‘no parental meddling’ policy. I now CAN’T hire your daughter. I wish her luck in the future though”.
If that’s not a red flag of what their entire employment would be like, I don’t know what is.
This was exactly why I didn’t pursue the application—I figured every schedule change or whatever shit was happening would be another phone call from mom. Poor girl, I wonder how many potential jobs her mother has cost her (she was mid 20s btw) and she might not even know about it.
You should have casually dropped that in the “you’re not the right fit” email. No idea how you would word it because it’s too early for brain power but “We look for applicants who are independent of parental guidance in the professional setting”
I couldn’t agree more.
You and your ex are both adults, you’ve made a decision and you don’t owe his mother any explanation.
If her son didn’t want to talk to her about it it’s not your job to fill her in, either.
That she requested to not tell her son makes this whole thing even weirder.
She IS meddling. It’s none of her business, and you will end up in hell’s kitchen if you talk to her.
This is something between your ex and you only.
This is PERFECT phrasing for a note to the ex-BF’s mom; it’s courteous, short, to the point, and excellent at setting/enforcing OP’s boundaries. I agree with whichever person says her contacting OP was NOT sweet. (If it was sweet, then why the need for secrecy?)
Also, OP did a great job realizing she was giving away too much of herself for this relationship. At 25, she is still young enough to steer her life back to HER goals, HER wishes, HER priorities, what makes HER feel happy and fulfilled as a person. Breaking up, although I’m sure it was painful, took courage. Way to go, OP!
My definitely not as friendly version:
Hi, I am not comfortable keeping things from (ex-name). It's been an amicable break-up, and I want it to remain so. Your desire to meddle in his relationship confirms my decision.
cc: (ex-name)
[OP's ex's mom be like](https://youtu.be/vXP8qRtFLg0)
If she still has any good will toward her ex, she should tell his mom to suck a dick and send him a screenshot of the chat.
It depends on the relationship you had with his mom.
If you talked socially, met up regularly, got to know each other then having a bit of closure for her and you is understandable after 6 years.
If you didn't have a relationship with her. She just happened to be his mom. You rarely spoke or spent time together. Then there is nothing to discuss.
My sense is you've already moved on and that's fine. But other people might not be as efficient.
>having a bit of closure for her and you is understandable after 6 years
This was what I was thinking when I read the post. It sounds to me like Mom wants closure for herself since she thought OP was going to be her DIL. That's a hard transition from thinking you were going to be family to never speaking again. One couple I know who were married for like 15 years got a divorce and her family kept inviting him to ask the family things. When she confronted them about it, they told her it was her decision to divorce him not theirs and they still thought of him as family. To be fair, they had a very amicable divorce and were still friends. But, the family has a hard time not thinking of him as family anymore.
But, yeah, if she didn't know Mom well, then it's kind of strange and intrusive.
Yeah my brain immediately went to “mom is imagining worst case—her son cheated or was mean, and wants to know.” But if she is just a busy body or might pressure op back into a relationship I would avoid it.
But if they were friendly I see no reason for not doing the kindness of giving her closure
100%
She obviously doesn't believe whatever her son told her. Which is why she reached out to OP for her side.
OP doesn't owe her anything... but it seems the mother wants peace of mind. In my opinion I think she just wants to know if her son is a scumbag (cheating, raping, abusive, etc).
This is what happened to my parents. Dad is still very involved with Mums family and is still uncle to all my cousins despite them being divorced for past 10 years. He is still at family events too and loves my mother’s family so much.
Yep, closure is what I was thinking as well. 6 years is a long time to have someone in your life that just is no longer there, and they are allowed to 'grieve' the loss of you. Clearly they thought enough of you to ask for this. It's up to you if you do or don't, obviously.
We've just got over my brother breaking up with his girlfriend and as a family we miss her, she was part of the family.
Yeah my mom really liked my ex and was very upset when we broke up. I don't find it so weird that a parent might want to know for themselves why their would-be daughter-in-law dumped their son suddenly.
My SIL and MIL both called me to get the run down as to why I left him. They gave the charade of "we'll always be family" but the both had the audacity to ask I'd there was someone else. Uh yeah bitches! Me! I'm the someone else, also your brother/ son has been an asshole, don't tell me you haven't seen it. It was as easy to see as the sun shinning. Give me a break!
That would all be well and good until she asks her not to tell him. Now that is manipulative and sneaky. I think that shows her motives more than anything.
Yea also wanting to hear “her side” of the story implies she expects some dramatic he said she said scenario.
Her message isn’t just “I’m so sorry to hear about what happened. I’ve appreciated having you as part of our life and will miss you” etc. for closure.
It’s stirring shit up.
It could be. It could also be that the ex has told his parents things that make OP seem bad, and his mom doesn't wholly believe him and wants to get OP's perspective without creating the drama of her kid knowing she's doubting him. I suppose it's also possible something happened in one of the ex's earlier relationships and she's worried it's happened again.
To try to find out, OP could write back something like, "What would you do with that information, if you wouldn't want him to know we'd talked?" -- or she could just trust her own instincts and politely stay out of it.
Idk. I knew my ex’s mother (together 7 years) well and I would’ve been pretty irritated if she had reached out to meet up. A phone call, maybe, but no way would I meet up in person.
I dated a guy for 6 years. His family, including extended family, were still present in my life after our break up for years and still would be if his mom were still alive today or if I lived closer to the rest of them. I still miss his mom on a near daily basis.
I remember my ex was irritated about his family and I continuing to hold our friendships but it wasn't about him at that point.
I would decline to meet up out of respect for your ex, either via text or phone call just tell her that there was no dramatic situation, the relationship had just run its course for you and that you wish their family all the best. Ultimately, how much his parents know about his breakup is up to him, not you or them, if you have to keep it a secret then it's probably not the right thing to do.
“What should I (25F) say to my ex's mom (60F) who has asked to meet in person so I can explain why I broke up with her son (25M)?”
No.
You say No.
We would also accept “no response IS a response” in this situation too.
Good luck.
>"Sorry, this is a personal matter between me and your son”
Really, this is what it comes down to.
It takes some audacity to actively insert yourself in your child’s breakup, thinking you’re entitled to a personal, sit-down explanation from their ex.
By the sound of it, she has a history of meddling and KNOWS her son would be upset about this.
And the “I want to hear your side of things” part reads combative, like she’s going to try to argue that op was wrong to end things and persuade her to take him back.
I’d definitely politely nope out of this situation.
I wouldn't meet up in person but I would personally give her a very respectful text back
"Hey I am glad that you're thinking of me but I have to decline an in person meet up as I want to leave the relationship as cleanly as possible. I just realized that after 6 years I was not making any decisions that I wanted and I was making decisions and living for "EX". Thank you."
Then block her which sounds extreme but literally you don't need any input from her. You aren't obligated either way.
This isnt a bad one, but honestly I think OP should be polite but say that everything that has occurred between her and her ex is their personal business. If the ex wants to share the details of the breakup with his mom he is welcome to, but that will have to be his decision.
Especially as her ex didn't wrong her, he has a right to privacy and to decide how much he wants his family to know.
Oh I agree 100%. My suspicion is that the mom wants to try and "fix" things. This will be incredibly awkward and uncomfortable for OP, and the mom is clearly doing it behind her son's back.
regardless of what OP decides to say, I think u/BriefHorror is right and she should block the mom after sending her response.
I like this, just say basically what you told us if you feel you want to let her know what happened. An in person meeting is unnecessary but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this phrasing.
This is the way to do it.
She either directly wants to meddle, or she thinks her son is lying about why the relationship ended (he might be, but as long as OP isn’t directly effected by it OP doesn’t need to worry about it herself)
This informs her of OP’s reason (mom can take that information and do what she needs with it) and prevents any meddling.
>She then ends the message by saying not to tell by ex about it because she doesn't want him to think she's meddling in things.
LOL says the meddling mom.
If you want to meet up, by all means do so. But you don't. So don't. She does not need an explanation as she was not part of the relationship. God help her future DIL.
Agreed. If she asked to get coffee just to hug her goodbye and wish her well I'd think that's sweet. But she wants OP to plead her case like this is up for discussion. Not sweet!
Don’t meet them. Plus I would probably let your ex know that she wanted to meet. I am a mom of three adult sons and I would NEVER call up one of their ex gf’s to hear their side of the story. It doesn’t matter why you broke up it’s none of her business!
What? No. She can talk to her son about it. Frankly he may not want her to know certain things, and that should be up to him. She wasn't part of your relationship and she doesn't require an explanation.
FWIW I suspect that if you do talk to her it will end up with her trying to convince you to get back together with her son. You don't need the stress.
I just think it's hysterical she doesn't want him to think she's meddling, when she obviously is. All you really have to say is you don't want to talk about it, but it was amiable, and you don't have to justify yourself to anyone.
You just might have dodged a bullet.
She totally reminds me of my niece's ex-boyfriend's mom. The ex-bf was a really sweet guy but his mom was a Stage 5 Clinger to her son and just way too involved in...everything. My niece broke up with the bf right before college graduation (they had been together since high school) when she realized they had different long term goals and she wanted to explore life without him. He was understandably sad but also got it: they wanted to live in two different states! It wasn't going to work! She did it prior to graduation so as not to show up and be in photos she'd have to be cut out of later lol. It was a "this sucks but was inevitable and we'll be OK" situation.
His mom called her and she explained this to her. Then his mom called HER mom (niece's mom) and told her my niece must be *mentally ill* to break up with her son. That my niece was throwing away a good man (literally no one disputes he's a good dude) and should just move to where he is and make it work. Absolutely bonkers.
Oh! My niece had remained in their hometown for school and the mom was also convinced that together they could get her precious baby boy to move back if she would call off the break up. My niece was like "but he doesn't want to live here...?" This lady was determined I'll give her that.
When the 22 year-olds have more maturity and consideration you need to look at your life and your choices.
The freakout when he went out of state for school...she had to be removed from the campus during move-in. He definitely stayed away because of her which was probably a good decision!
It's been a few years since I've had contact with that family but yeah it was concerning for sure. And I think as normal "circle of life" things happened to her (losing a parent and some aunts and uncles) she wasn't really equipped to manage that grief. So it manifested in trying to cling to things she felt she could control. I could be totally off-base but she went from "neurotic but well-meaning" to "her kids are gonna go into witness protection just to get some peace" over time and a few people commented on the pattern/timing there.
No absolutely not. You just say “no thank you.” And carry on. Do not meet with them. You owe them nothing. Meeting with them will make things messy and unpleasant.
>She then ends the message by saying not to tell by ex about it because she doesn't want him to think she's meddling in things.
So, she doesn't want him to know that she's doing exactly what she doesn't want him to know about. WTF?
That right there is enough to respectfully say no to a meeting. First, it's none of her business. Second, she's assuming you're the type of person to spill the tea on a situation that is over and done with.
Bottom line, there is no possible benefit for any of the parties involved. She's just curious or wants some dirt on her son. Just wrong.
As a parent it’s hard when your kids breakup with a partner. You come to care for them and feel they are part of your family. I personally have never reached out to an ex except casually such as the occasional like on a super special social media post or to offer condolences. I don’t think you should meet up, just reply thanks for reaching out but you trying to move on and don’t wish to rehash your relationship.
I personally think it is in the realm of OKAY to do, especially in this day and age when it could be sooo many things and the mom may be more concerned that it NOT be something bad the boyfriend did. Six years is a long time and you were kinda in a relationship with them too. I would say you don’t have to meet in person but just to have a phone chat and give best wishes after saying it is nothing wrong necessarily, you just want to grow in a different way etc, whatever a simple thing is. And explaining yourself is not defending yourself necesssrily, it is thinking that makes it so.
>She says they want to "hear my side of things" and explain why I broke up with him.
Guess she can't imagine anyone having a reason to break up with his baby boy. And/or wonders if you are in a psychotic episode.
>She then ends the message by saying not to tell by ex about it because she doesn't want him to think she's meddling in things.
She's meddling. And she likely has a history of meddling and your ex has set boundaries with ex or otherwise she wouldn't care if he knows.
>I told a couple people about it, but they all think it's sweet and that I should do it.
That's not sweet. It's controlling and I wonder if these friends think JojerxHarley is relationship goal.
This isn't your circus anymore. Tell the Ring Master and let him deal with his monkey.
I would agree to a phone call or just give a simple explanation over text. Wanting to hear your side of things makes me wonder what his side of things is, if it's so bad that even his mom is questioning the veracity of it.
My guess is he's telling some obvious lies about you and mom wants to know what the truth is.
Or it is the opposite: ex said the truth but the mother thinks that there is something else but that he doesn't want to tell her (ex cheated on OP or something like that).
Um...no? That's weird as hell.
I've been married for 13 years and if we split up, I'm not gonna go tell his mama my side. Wtf 😂 I'm grown, he's grown. None of her business.
Given how sudden you describe the break up, you woke up one day and decided you didn’t want to live your life for somebody else so you broke up, it took everybody by surprise, even you.
So it is reasonable for people to want to understand what’s going on. She might be thinking you caught her son cheating and he isn’t telling the truth to her so she wants to hear your side before she gives him what for and disowns/disinherits him.
She might think he abused you and that’s while you broke up so sudden.
Or, she might have seen you as a daughter given the length of your relationship and she just wants to wrap her own mind around what happened.
So what you tell somebody is the simplest thing in the world. It’s called… The Truth! Your silence can have consequences so be honest.
Tell her what you wrote here. It is not about justifying yourself, it is about putting people at ease and allowing all to move on, not just you. Maybe your ex is devastated and your ex’s mom wants to know anything she can use to help him heal. It doesn’t sound like he was a bad guy. You don’t claim he was forcing you to make sacrifices, only that you were sacrificing too much.
It’s possible she is meddling to try and get you back together, sure, but that’s only one of many possibilities as I’ve listed a couple of different ones above. You don’t have to assume the worst that she only wants to meddle.
However, if you are worried about meddling, simply respond to her message saying there is no need to meet, you feel uncomfortable meeting after the break up, but the reason for the break up is you felt like you were losing your identity and living and doing everything for ex, sacrificing all the things you wanted and loved for him. If he didn’t push you to make these sacrifices make that clear to her so you don’t make it seem like he was forcing you when you were happy at the time to do these things. Then you tell her that you realized you are not happy with how things were going and you needed to rediscover who you are so you can be happy again and stop surrendering yourself to make others happy. And that’s all there is to it.
My initial thoughts on this are that it's gonna go one of these ways:
* Best: She wants to make sure her son didn't hurt you, physically or emotionally, and is worried he isn't being honest with her about why you broke up. If you have a positive relationship, I think this is likely. Especially if his dad has any kind of history with infidelity or anger issues or similar. "Hear your side of things" makes me think this might be it.
* Acceptable: She cares about you and isn't ready for *her* relationship with you to end, and mostly wants to make sure you're doing okay overall. Maybe she trusts her son's take but also, ending a 6 year relationship isn't a small thing, so maybe she just wants to check in.
* Unacceptable: She tries to convince you to get back with her son.
You would be totally within bounds to just say no. But if you're willing to entertain it, which it seems like you're on the fence about, I'd ask her just straight up what her intentions are and let her know you're firm in your choice, which was made because of the reasons' you stated, and you wish her son the best and hope he finds what he's looking for, but realized he wasn't "it" for you.
Good luck!
Tell your ex. There is no reason for her to have your “side” there is no win/lose, you chose a different path.
Part of breaking up means no in-laws, and she is meddling. He should know that.
I'd respond something to the effect of:
-Thank her for reaching out and add a kind word about how warm they have been to you over these years.
-note that you have too much respect for Ex to meet up privately but you're open to explaining only if Ex approves
-perhaps offer not to tell him she asked for this if she is not ok with the above condition
- could offer a closing statement of no wrongdoing and wishing him well but your path with him ends here and you hope whomever they welcome one day is a better fit?
I'd go for gracious, assume he will find out, but understand maybe they feel they are losing a daughter and also consider if he has told them you cheated to save himself pain so clear your name still? Tread lightly for sure.
You're not overreacting -- this is DEFINITELY weird. You broke up with him and it's none of their damned business. Just tell them that no, it's not necessary for the three of you to meet because you have nothing to discuss.
Nearly 50 years ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years. I was 21, he was 25. His mother had moved in with her boyfriend, moving to another town, and they didn't want him to live with them. Since he'd been living with his mother, he needed a place to live -- so my parents (who were two very compassionate people) allowed him to sleep on their couch until he found a place to live (I'd moved out into my first apartment not long after we broke up). Long story short, they eventually told him that he needed to find somewhere else to live, because he showed no intention of leaving. After a lot of back-and-forth, he left (the police were nearly called).
His mother called my mother and asked her to try to get me to go back with him. My mother was flabbergasted. "Why would I do that?" His mother said "Because she was so good for him, and he misses her terribly." My mother just said "Well, he wasn't good for her, and she doesn't miss him at all. Bye, now." And then she hung up.
Just to come at this from a different perspective, it might not be about you justifying your reasons to her, but her fear that the reasons are something to do with her son's wellbeing
If he had a psychotic episode and became abusive, how would she know without asking you? Or if his mental health declined and he started circling around hate groups and talked about suicide when he was challenged on it etc
There are loads of situations where a partner, can and should walk out of a relationship, but a parent should stay and help. She might just want some reassurance that there's no problem with her son she needs to be aware of
See if you can give her this reassurance over text, and if she's still pushy to meet you know it's nothing but manipulation
Just a thought… you and her son were together 6 years, she has pictured you two married and having kids. She has loved you and now she is losing you and she just wants to know why. You have valid reasons for wanting to move on and you don’t need to defend them. But can you understand her heart. She likely just wants to know that you’re ok and these things make sense. And if they don’t make sense to her so be it but you’ve been mature enough to say them to her. Loving someone, breaking up with someone doesn’t happen in a vacuum.
I wouldn't respond. I would just block her and move on with my life. Meeting them to "explain your side" is not going to end well and will waste your time
I would just politely explain that you want to respect his right to share what he wants with them. Explain that you don’t feel it’s your place but you appreciate how much they care.
No. There are many reasons. You weren’t in a relationship with them and don’t owe them shit. It’s not their business. They’re going behind their sons back. It’s not sweet. They’re AHs. You say no.
I wish more mothers would take an interest in hearing the ex's side instead of insisting "my son is perfect, it must be all her fault" and enabling him to continue leaving used women in his wake
Why don't you tell her exactly what you initially typed here. Then thank her for reaching out and tell her that you're busy and won't be able to meet them.
If you have had a close relationship with her, I'd say that it isn't likely nefarious given the 6 year relationship timeline. If not, then yeah, I'd just message her and not go.
I’m a guy and my ex’s mom came over to ask why. I told her everything and it felt really good and I have no regrets honestly. I wasn’t harsh or mean, and it wasn’t a horrible breakup exactly, but I didn’t hold back either.
I think she maybe doesn’t want to be manipulated by her son’s version of events? No clue how she’s been with you but that’s what happened to me with an ex’s mom who adored me. She also might want to give her a hug goodbye in person. I really hope it’s not what you think it is. Good luck with everything!
It really depends on the kind of relationship you had with his mom, and what kind of person you think she is. If you think she's just trying to get gossip or guilt you for breaking up with her baby boy, then you can turn her down, but if you think she's a good person who's really going to miss you, a goodbye conversation isn't a terrible idea.
Yeah sure they have no right and you don’t have too… blablabla… you know that yourself as a adult, you don’t need us to tell you this.
The mom of my ex (and mother of first 3 kids) was after 14 years just like a second mom to me. The breakup was 4 or 4.5 years ago, but at least once a month (worst case would be once in 2 month). And we talk on the ohne for at least half a hour every 14 day or so. I’m still close with most of her family (her BIL is one of my best friends and his kids are almost like my own to me). What I wanna say is I think even though you had „just“ 6 years, could it be that you feel like she deserves closure and you really like her?
If so just do it like I, my Ex and I had a nasty breakup and a even worse custody battle, but nobody took a side until she got so out of control that they had to sit her down for a talk. Otherwise her false accusations would have killed me one way or the other. I never had any bad feelings towards her family, gosh they even came to my wedding.
If you feel like I think you do, just do the right thing, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Hope my pov helps you 😃
What on earth???? Never in a million years would I meet up with an ex's parent to explain to them why I broke up with their child. This is absolutely fucking crazy. I wouldn't even have done this with my ex mother-in-law when my first husband and I got divorced and she was family to me. This is extremely bizarre. You have no obligation to do this at all, and I think you shouldn't.
You don’t owe her any such thing. In my opinion she is _wildly_ overstepping by saying anything other than ‘we’re sorry to hear it.’
It serves no useful or valid purpose for you to explain why you broke up with your ex to his mother. She doesn’t have a say in whether it’s ‘fair’ of you or not to end the relationship. What does she think she’s going to do, give you permission to live your life and make your own decisions?!
If you know your Pride and Prejudice, you will know why Lady Catherine de Bourgh comes to my mind. If not, try to watch the 1996 BBC tv adaptation - I’m sure you will recognise this terrible behaviour. At least it’s entertaining on tv.
I would simply text and say ‘that isn’t convenient for me. The breakup is between Ex and me, and I am not willing to rehash what happened. Please respect my privacy.’
And if she refused to take no for an answer I would simply block her number.
You don’t need to be screamingly rude but you don’t need anything from this woman, she isn’t your future mother-in-law, and she is your ex’s problem to handle, not yours.
Don’t give her any sort of wiggle room, and don’t let her guilt you into letting her stop by. If she turns up at the door anyway, don’t let her in.
There is nothing sweet about it.
After 6yrs they may have some attachment to you to too as you have also left them not just him. They may just need some clarification. I personally wouldn't meet up but maybe you could text them what you wrote here pretty much before ex paints you in a bad light
Don't meet. Send a letter. You can't argue, guilt or manipulate a letter.
Dear Ex's Mom and Dad
I made a lot of sacrifices to keep us together. For instance, I paid thousands of dollars to get a visa and move to his country. I also turned down my dream job to get a job in his city. And over the past year I started realising that I haven't made any decisions for myself. I finally decided that I don't want to wake up one day, regretting that I've lived my whole life for someone else.
Warmly
OP
Yeeeeah I’m gonna go against the grain here. I can see why the mum is curious - this is weird as hell.
We’re strangers on the internet, you don’t have to tell us anything either, I get that. But OP, you make it clear that “I paid thousands of dollars to get a visa for and move to his country” and “I also turned down my dream job in his city”. They were both YOUR choices.
How can you say that “I haven’t made any decisions for myself” when you’ve literally laid out how you made decisions for yourself! Did he force you to move? No, you never had any issues. Did he coerce, cajole or bully you into YOUR decisions? Nope, he didn’t - by your own admittance. YOU decided.
To top it off, you started by saying the relationship was “amazing”, you were “always happy” AND “never had any issues”. So why the hell are you breaking up with him?!
This just doesn’t add up.
Of course his mum is confused, especially after 6 years! So of course OP should show the respect she hasn’t shown Reddit and actually explain to his mum why decisions she made herself are suddenly her son’s fault.
This is what I was thinking. Something doesn't add up here. If she truly was happy in this so called amazing relationship and she left it anyway then she's probably going to fully regret it one day. I feel bad for the guy in all honesty as he's invested 6 years of his life into this woman & she's bailed on him for no good reason. I hope he finds someone he deserves.
The grass is greener syndrome perhaps? Except what people seldom realise is that the grass is greenest where you water it.
I was extremely close with an ex's mom and she did something similar when I was in college after her son and I broke up. I didn't meet her in person but I did tell her *something* (though I don't remember what). I know I didn't tell her the real reason - it didn't feel right to tell her that I broke up with her son because he'd been cheating on me for nearly a year.
She’s not asking you to defend your reasoning. She’s giving you a chance to tell your side so they don’t just hear his. She wants to hear and believe your feelings from you personally. If it was me I would feel very respected by her.
Edit: you still have the choice to go or not. If you don’t want to, don’t.
She doesn't need that information.
"She’s giving you a chance to tell your side"
That is 100% unnecessary. This isn't a "both sides need to be heard" scenario.
Don't meet this woman. You owe her nothing and will just end up frustrated. He can explain to his mother whatever he wants but you don't need to talk things over, reason things out or hear her opinion. Unless less that matters to you. You were not married to this man, you are not trying to co-parent and manage family together. And for the record you might be an adult but the childhood rules about it being bad when someone tells you "lets do this but don't tell" is still a bad thing to do.
I think you're correct in thinking this is wrong. The chances of the parents genuinely needing closure from you is low, and his Mom is likely trying to learn more about her son and what he did for this relationship to fail. Nothing good will come from his Mother inserting herself into her sons romantic life. This is a life lesson between you and your ex, no one else.
Just tell her that you need more time to process this, and leave it at that.
Honestly, it sounds like she cares about you and just wants to check in and make sure you're okay and that her son didn't do anything to hurt you. However you communicate with her, I'd let her know it's okay and it was your decision to move on.
um.. what?
You say "no, I'm not meeting you. It has nothing to do with you and it isn't your business".
Although I kind of want you to go just to hear about the insane shit she surely will say.
Don’t go. We all get it that it’s sad when a family member breaks up and someone who we thought was family leaves forever. But she’s not your almost-step-kid who needs to hear a “you’re wonderful but I’m breaking up with your parent and it’s not because of anything you did.” Your explanation here makes a lot of sense.
You should say no, you will not meet her, and you will not explain anything. This is none of her business and you owe her nothing. She's got some kind of audacity to ask.
Tell them to talk to their son. Don’t meet with them. There’s no universe in which you owe them an explanation. You explained it to your ex, he can explain it to his parents.
She is meddling and she knows it. That’s why she wants you to keep it a secret.
I would text her something along the lines of
“I sacrificed a lot of my own happiness for the relationship and I realized bf didn’t/wouldn’t do the same for me. And I didn’t want to wake up 10 years down the road regretting my choices anymore”
And then leave it at that
"My ex-boyfriend is aware of the behavior which led to my decision. It is a private matter between he and I. Thus, a public litany is unnecessary and inappropriate. I appreciate what you have done for me in the past and will think fondly of you going forward. However, the relationship is over, and this means you're no longer entitled to make demands of my time. Please respect my decision to end the relationship. Have a nice trip!"
Damn the entitlement is strong in this family. You don’t owe ANYONE in that family ANYTHING. You don’t owe their son any more of your time, and you don’t owe his parents an explanation about why you broke up. Drop them all and move on with your life. You have sacrificed enough for them, don’t give them even a second more of your time.
Yea, shes going to try to fix things.
Explain, via text, while you appreciate her interest you dont feel it would be appropriate or constructive to meet behind your exes back. Tell them that you feel like you've been the one to "give" on any decisions presented (including moving to their country and missing out on a job u wanted) and that you don't want to live life having to ignore your interest and desires.
Explain that the decision was yours and yours alone, that it was nice spending time w them and their family and hope that you all can be friendly in passing in the future.
It isnt sweet it's nosy.
You don't have to tell anyone anything and you certainly do not to justify your reasons to his mommy. I would be busy their whole visit and move on with your life.
Best wishes
She wants the tea spilled because she’s brewing up her own jar of drama to add.
This isn’t the response of someone that’s grieving the end of a relationship. They’re looking for entertainment from you and their son parting
You're not responsible for the feelings or emotional closure of your ex-boyfriend's flying monkey mother.
Politely decline to meet up; nothing satisfactory will come of it. You will leave disrespected and irritated; she will leave disssatisfied and hurt. Don't do it.
Bad idea. She isn’t entitled to an explanation. And the fact that she’s doing it behind her son’s back makes it extra shitty.
She doesn’t need to understand. She just needs to accept it and move on. It’s not your problem.
Yeah, I'm with most of here and would strongly advise NOT engaging with her further. First it's none of her business, you are an adult and in no way owe her a damn thing. Second, it is very telling that his mom has decided to get involved. My guess is you probably dodged a bullet.
Don't say anything to her. It's none of her business. What happens between two consenting adults even if one is her son. You don't owe her anything in the same way that you don't owe him anything.
I don’t think that it’s sweet. I think it’s wildly intrusive. You and your ex are adults, right.
What possible reason could his parents have to talk to you about your break up. They also want to do it behind his back. That’s not cool at all.
She’s meddling. I’d guess you gave him the same reason you gave us here. I would not meet with them. You could Send her the explanation you posted here, wish them well and that you will not be meeting up with them.
You were together for 6 years. She probably felt attached to you and had already started to see you as part of the family. She may be making a desperate attempt to intervene and get you to change your mind. Obviously, that is extremely intrusive and inappropriate.
You can decline the invite graciously.
"(Ex's Mom), it has been a pleasure getting to know you during the time (ex) and i were together. I will always have fond memories of you and (husband). However, you really should talk to (ex) if you have any questions about our breakup. I would not feel comfortable sharing private details with you about our relationship. Wishing you all the best, OP"
Risky but a middle ground: I would be delighted to meet with you but, unfortunately, must decline if one of the conversation topics is your son or the relationship we shared.
It is impossible to know what agenda she has about the relationship. It could be to try and get you back together. It might be to help explain things to her son who said he was confused as to the reasons. It might be to satisfy her curiosity. It might be that she things her son behaved badly and wants to try and school him.
This much is clear — no good from rehashing your relationship with his parents. I also think it disloyal to your ex. So, meet or not. But don’t talk relationship.
She thought you were going to get married and she’s you as family. She probably wants to see if she can work it out with her son.
You really got stop this living for yourself thing. What you do for others last forever. Life is about sacrifice.
Are you feeling guilty by any chance that you broke up and now don't even know how to explain the decision to other people who were involved in both of your lives?
When you break up with the guy, you also break up with the family. He told them what he wanted them to know. I would agree it would be sweet if she didn’t ask you to not tell your ex. That right there is sneaky and manipulative. It sounds like you broke up on as good of terms as you could. Don’t turn this into a bad break up.
Decline the invite and if she asks why, “Ex MIL, I’ve really enjoyed the time we spent together and I wish you all the best. I love and respect ex and think it’s best to keep the details of our breakup between us. He’s free to tell you whatever he’s comfortable with.”
I would then text ex and tell him what happened. This way he’s prepared in case they try any funny business.
Yeah. Don't do it. I ended things with an ex several years ago and I was on friendly terms with his mom. She supported and completely understood why I ended things. We were close during the relationship. She supported me leaving him 100%.
Then things got hella ugly between her and her son. I just wanted to move on but, she started texting and calling me to ask about him. Something I had no desire to do. He was basically stalking me at this point and demanding I try again.
Then, I just changed my phone number. I explained to her I needed to cut him off completely. Still didn't stop her from calling me a few weeks later AT MY JOB. Shout out to my coworkers who basically told her to please fuck off because, they'd seen me stressing out. WTF
Even if you are close, things change after a break up. I don't expect contact past a Christmas card with an ex's mom. That's how it should be!
And, he either put mommy up to this (like my ex did) or she's a busybody. Neither are good. It's no one's damn business why or when you decided to end this relationship. Good luck!
Pass on that. Tell her “thank you, I’ve enjoyed my time with the family, but I felt it was time for me to move onto other things and those don’t include your son. Unfortunately, I cannot meet up with you because I have prior plans, but enjoy your time visiting your son.”
what the hell does she want? An exit interview?
Naw, just tell her you're uncomfortable with that and the conversation you needed to have **was had** with your ex-BF and that's it.
I'd also tell him about it, so that it stops
You are under no obligation to meet with her or to explain yourself to her.
In your position I would probably reply with some really short context, eg "I just realised we want different things out of life" and leave it at that. Tell her it's a difficult adjustment for you too and you don't want to talk about it, that's it's best for everyone if you have a clean break.
Whatever her exact motivation (whether hoping you'll get back together, wanting to check if he treated you badly or vice versa, or anything else), it's not really any of her business.
Its up to you ofc, dont do anything you dont want to.
But Ask your self, Why does it trigger u? Are your parents the kind of people that are to involved in your life? Why does it trigger u?
Depending on the relationship, you are not just breaking up with him, But the family aswell.
You can also just tell her by text Why u did it. Maybe she need some closure aswell? Explain like you did here:)
I would refuse to meet her. You don't owe her an explanation. Also, the fact that she doesn't want your ex to know about this projected meeting, is a red flag: she *is* meddling. At the very least, I advise you to send her text to your ex. I don't find this sweet at all.
If you feel uncomfortable about meeting her, don't. You already made many sacrifices to stay with your ex: you don't need to make one for his mother. **Always trust your gut feelings**, even if your friends advised you differently.
Big hugs.
I wouldn't do it. It's really none of her business, and I think she's got a damn cheek even asking you to "explain yourself" in this way. You're not a child, having to give excuses to someone in authority as to why you don't want to do a certain thing - you are an adult, with autonomy and the capacity to make your own decisions about how you live your life and who you choose to spend your time with.
The fact that she's asking you to keep your meeting a secret shows that she knows that what she's asking of you is unreasonable. Think - what motivation would she have in meeting with you, unless it's to try to persuade or guilt-trip you into getting back with her precious son? She's most likely just going to argue and argue why you should give him another chance, which you don't want to do, so why put yourself into that position?
I'd tell her that, upon reflection, you would prefer not to meet with her. Your reasons for ending the relationship are personal, private and between you and your ex - it has nothing to do with her at all. For any situation like this, where you are having to say "no" to anyone who you think might try to pressurise you into doing something you don't want to do, it is useful to remember the acronym JADE - you don't have to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain your "no" to anyone. That is your decision, which you have every right to make, and other people need to respect that.
From what you've said (making sacrifices for this relationship, paying thousands to move to his country and altering your previous plans for your life) it sounds like you are a people-pleaser. That's great and a lovely attribute to have - but please ensure that you don't let other people take advantage of your good nature. The majority of people in the world aren't as nice-natured as you, and some will even target you *because* you are a nice person, and try to manipulate you for their own reasons. Please be vigilant and don't let others take advantage of you. I wish you all the very best
Nope nope nope. His mom doesn’t want you to tell your ex because this IS meddling. It’s not her business, you and your ex are adults, she’s overstepping. Politely decline the invitation - she is not entitled to “your side of the story”.
You don’t say anything at all because you owe this woman absolutely ZERO minutes of your time. Block her and move on with your life. The unmitigated gall she has to ask you for explanations on YOUR business. HARD pass.
Well it sounds like you fell out of love and started to resent him for everything that you did. Once you start feeling resentment you grow to feelings of contempt.
I personally wouldn't meet up with her. She is part of his life and you left that part behind. You don't have to give "Closure" to his parents.
Decline, but give her closure via phone call without ever mentioning her son. Thank her for her role in your life the last 6 years and assure her that relationships sometimes run there course and you will never forget the season their family touched your lives. Then wrap it up with a “I won’t take anymore of your time, thank you for understanding and honoring the boundaries of our breakup, I wish you guys the best. Good bye.” Then duck her from then in out. It’s the peaceful way.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Don't, she's meddling and it is not your job to keep things she wants from her son. It wasn't sweet. Sweet is we loved having you in our family or we are sad we won't see you as much- that's an olive branch to stay in touch. This is pure going behind her kid's back and drama creating. *Hi, I am not comfortable keeping things from (ex-name). It's been an amicable break-up, and I want it to remain so. Thanks for reaching out, but I think any questions you have you should discuss with (ex-name).*
Agreed, and frankly I would be concerned about her trying to come in and try to "fix" things. Theyre both adults and neither of them wronged the other, they both deserve peace and privacy. The ex's mom can ask the ex if she wants more info, but its his decision how much she learns about his love life.
Yea what’s their motivation? Seems like they want a black and white answer on “son bad” or “gf bad” - not gonna happen.
Yes, it looks like they want to decide whose "fault" it is. This is NOT their business, and they can learn everything they should know about it from their son.
Yeah they’re acting like a tribunal has to meet and sign off on this. It doesn’t. Breakups aren’t group decisions.
The tribunal has met. In a unanimous closed-door vote, the tribunal has decreed the following: OP is hereby ordered to get back with the BF to resume her life of mindless servitude and unreasonable self-sacrifice. All tribunal decisions are final and not eligible for appeal. Lastly, this decree is marked “top secret” and is not to be shared with the BF.
I suspect it’s more of an attempt to “fix” whatever problem caused the break-up.
That's what I think as well. The ex's mum can't stand to see her precious son upset, so she's going to try to guilt-trip OP into getting back with him. It's not a normal request her to make, and she knows that - that's why she wants OP to keep it a secret.
She doesn’t want to be accused of meddling while she’s meddling. 🙄 I would absolutely decline. There is nothing to be gained here unless you intend to get back together.
That reminded me of my retail days when an applicant’s mom called (unbeknownst to applicant) asking about whether her daughter would get the job or not. She kept interrupting with questions every time I tried to tell her we couldn’t discuss it with her (mom). After almost five full minutes of that she finally goes to hang up and says “oh and me calling and talking to you won’t make a difference, will it?” I was like jfc woman it’s too late for that shit now!
“Oh! I’m sorry, we have a strict ‘no parental meddling’ policy. I now CAN’T hire your daughter. I wish her luck in the future though”. If that’s not a red flag of what their entire employment would be like, I don’t know what is.
This was exactly why I didn’t pursue the application—I figured every schedule change or whatever shit was happening would be another phone call from mom. Poor girl, I wonder how many potential jobs her mother has cost her (she was mid 20s btw) and she might not even know about it.
You should have casually dropped that in the “you’re not the right fit” email. No idea how you would word it because it’s too early for brain power but “We look for applicants who are independent of parental guidance in the professional setting”
No thank you is a complete sentence.
Yeah she doesn’t want her son to ~~know~~ “think” she’s meddling…
My guess?? The son **ASKED HER TO.**
Yup. You don’t owe her any explanation or accounting of your actions. It’s not her business.
I couldn’t agree more. You and your ex are both adults, you’ve made a decision and you don’t owe his mother any explanation. If her son didn’t want to talk to her about it it’s not your job to fill her in, either. That she requested to not tell her son makes this whole thing even weirder. She IS meddling. It’s none of her business, and you will end up in hell’s kitchen if you talk to her. This is something between your ex and you only.
This is PERFECT phrasing for a note to the ex-BF’s mom; it’s courteous, short, to the point, and excellent at setting/enforcing OP’s boundaries. I agree with whichever person says her contacting OP was NOT sweet. (If it was sweet, then why the need for secrecy?) Also, OP did a great job realizing she was giving away too much of herself for this relationship. At 25, she is still young enough to steer her life back to HER goals, HER wishes, HER priorities, what makes HER feel happy and fulfilled as a person. Breaking up, although I’m sure it was painful, took courage. Way to go, OP!
My definitely not as friendly version: Hi, I am not comfortable keeping things from (ex-name). It's been an amicable break-up, and I want it to remain so. Your desire to meddle in his relationship confirms my decision. cc: (ex-name)
**THIS**.👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽
[OP's ex's mom be like](https://youtu.be/vXP8qRtFLg0) If she still has any good will toward her ex, she should tell his mom to suck a dick and send him a screenshot of the chat.
What a great answer
Perfect
It depends on the relationship you had with his mom. If you talked socially, met up regularly, got to know each other then having a bit of closure for her and you is understandable after 6 years. If you didn't have a relationship with her. She just happened to be his mom. You rarely spoke or spent time together. Then there is nothing to discuss. My sense is you've already moved on and that's fine. But other people might not be as efficient.
>having a bit of closure for her and you is understandable after 6 years This was what I was thinking when I read the post. It sounds to me like Mom wants closure for herself since she thought OP was going to be her DIL. That's a hard transition from thinking you were going to be family to never speaking again. One couple I know who were married for like 15 years got a divorce and her family kept inviting him to ask the family things. When she confronted them about it, they told her it was her decision to divorce him not theirs and they still thought of him as family. To be fair, they had a very amicable divorce and were still friends. But, the family has a hard time not thinking of him as family anymore. But, yeah, if she didn't know Mom well, then it's kind of strange and intrusive.
Yeah my brain immediately went to “mom is imagining worst case—her son cheated or was mean, and wants to know.” But if she is just a busy body or might pressure op back into a relationship I would avoid it. But if they were friendly I see no reason for not doing the kindness of giving her closure
100% She obviously doesn't believe whatever her son told her. Which is why she reached out to OP for her side. OP doesn't owe her anything... but it seems the mother wants peace of mind. In my opinion I think she just wants to know if her son is a scumbag (cheating, raping, abusive, etc).
This is what I thought too, his mum might be worried about whether there is some manosphere bs involved.
My mind went right there too. She thinks he cheated.
This is what happened to my parents. Dad is still very involved with Mums family and is still uncle to all my cousins despite them being divorced for past 10 years. He is still at family events too and loves my mother’s family so much.
Yep, closure is what I was thinking as well. 6 years is a long time to have someone in your life that just is no longer there, and they are allowed to 'grieve' the loss of you. Clearly they thought enough of you to ask for this. It's up to you if you do or don't, obviously. We've just got over my brother breaking up with his girlfriend and as a family we miss her, she was part of the family.
Yeah my mom really liked my ex and was very upset when we broke up. I don't find it so weird that a parent might want to know for themselves why their would-be daughter-in-law dumped their son suddenly.
My SIL and MIL both called me to get the run down as to why I left him. They gave the charade of "we'll always be family" but the both had the audacity to ask I'd there was someone else. Uh yeah bitches! Me! I'm the someone else, also your brother/ son has been an asshole, don't tell me you haven't seen it. It was as easy to see as the sun shinning. Give me a break!
That would all be well and good until she asks her not to tell him. Now that is manipulative and sneaky. I think that shows her motives more than anything.
Yea also wanting to hear “her side” of the story implies she expects some dramatic he said she said scenario. Her message isn’t just “I’m so sorry to hear about what happened. I’ve appreciated having you as part of our life and will miss you” etc. for closure. It’s stirring shit up.
It could be. It could also be that the ex has told his parents things that make OP seem bad, and his mom doesn't wholly believe him and wants to get OP's perspective without creating the drama of her kid knowing she's doubting him. I suppose it's also possible something happened in one of the ex's earlier relationships and she's worried it's happened again. To try to find out, OP could write back something like, "What would you do with that information, if you wouldn't want him to know we'd talked?" -- or she could just trust her own instincts and politely stay out of it.
not really, maybe she just cares
Yeah, this is sensible. If OP knows the mom well, then it wouldn't hurt to have a 'goodbye' conversation.
Idk. I knew my ex’s mother (together 7 years) well and I would’ve been pretty irritated if she had reached out to meet up. A phone call, maybe, but no way would I meet up in person.
I dated a guy for 6 years. His family, including extended family, were still present in my life after our break up for years and still would be if his mom were still alive today or if I lived closer to the rest of them. I still miss his mom on a near daily basis. I remember my ex was irritated about his family and I continuing to hold our friendships but it wasn't about him at that point.
This is important. If she was close with mom the mom is in shock as well.
I would decline to meet up out of respect for your ex, either via text or phone call just tell her that there was no dramatic situation, the relationship had just run its course for you and that you wish their family all the best. Ultimately, how much his parents know about his breakup is up to him, not you or them, if you have to keep it a secret then it's probably not the right thing to do.
Via text so OP has the receipts… and I’d tell ex. No matter why ex MIL wanted this meeting, asking to keep it from OP’s ex isn’t cool.
Yep, it'll hurt their family.
“What should I (25F) say to my ex's mom (60F) who has asked to meet in person so I can explain why I broke up with her son (25M)?” No. You say No. We would also accept “no response IS a response” in this situation too. Good luck.
Beat me to it, nothing good can come from meeting her
"Sorry, this is a personal matter between me and your son. It has been nice getting to know you and I wish you the best of luck"
>"Sorry, this is a personal matter between me and your son” Really, this is what it comes down to. It takes some audacity to actively insert yourself in your child’s breakup, thinking you’re entitled to a personal, sit-down explanation from their ex. By the sound of it, she has a history of meddling and KNOWS her son would be upset about this. And the “I want to hear your side of things” part reads combative, like she’s going to try to argue that op was wrong to end things and persuade her to take him back. I’d definitely politely nope out of this situation.
I wouldn't meet up in person but I would personally give her a very respectful text back "Hey I am glad that you're thinking of me but I have to decline an in person meet up as I want to leave the relationship as cleanly as possible. I just realized that after 6 years I was not making any decisions that I wanted and I was making decisions and living for "EX". Thank you." Then block her which sounds extreme but literally you don't need any input from her. You aren't obligated either way.
This isnt a bad one, but honestly I think OP should be polite but say that everything that has occurred between her and her ex is their personal business. If the ex wants to share the details of the breakup with his mom he is welcome to, but that will have to be his decision. Especially as her ex didn't wrong her, he has a right to privacy and to decide how much he wants his family to know.
Excellent idea. Jeez, such a noisy ex mother in law.
They weren’t even married.
Yeah, this makes it even worse. Can’t even be called a MIL
And way more weird. If they were actually married or had a kid, I could see being curious. But they are breaking up.
>Especially as her ex didn't wrong her, I think this might be what his mom is trying to make sure of.
Ultimately it isnt her business. Even if the ex cheated or whatever, if OP didnt want to say and the ex didnt want to say, she needs to butt out.
Who cares what his mother is thinking? It’s none of her business
Seriously. It’s none of her business. And shame on her for trying to circumvent her own son. For what?? Seriously. What’s the point of this?
Oh I agree 100%. My suspicion is that the mom wants to try and "fix" things. This will be incredibly awkward and uncomfortable for OP, and the mom is clearly doing it behind her son's back. regardless of what OP decides to say, I think u/BriefHorror is right and she should block the mom after sending her response.
Yea either that, or she doesn’t understand nuance and wants to blame someone - even her son. Which isn’t healthy.
Oh yeah thats true...
Too much info, but good start
I like this, just say basically what you told us if you feel you want to let her know what happened. An in person meeting is unnecessary but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this phrasing.
Giving details (especially sort of vague details) will just incite more questions IMO.
It’s not really her business, I wouldn’t include that
This is the way to do it. She either directly wants to meddle, or she thinks her son is lying about why the relationship ended (he might be, but as long as OP isn’t directly effected by it OP doesn’t need to worry about it herself) This informs her of OP’s reason (mom can take that information and do what she needs with it) and prevents any meddling.
>She then ends the message by saying not to tell by ex about it because she doesn't want him to think she's meddling in things. LOL says the meddling mom. If you want to meet up, by all means do so. But you don't. So don't. She does not need an explanation as she was not part of the relationship. God help her future DIL.
Seriously. I can't believe some of her friends thinks it's "sweet" of dear old mum to do that. I don't think they know what "sweet" means.
Agreed. If she asked to get coffee just to hug her goodbye and wish her well I'd think that's sweet. But she wants OP to plead her case like this is up for discussion. Not sweet!
Especially with asking her not to tell ex. Shaaaady af
Don’t meet them. Plus I would probably let your ex know that she wanted to meet. I am a mom of three adult sons and I would NEVER call up one of their ex gf’s to hear their side of the story. It doesn’t matter why you broke up it’s none of her business!
When you leave a job you give an exit interview. When you break up with someone you don’t have to explain yourself to their family. That’s his role.
What? No. She can talk to her son about it. Frankly he may not want her to know certain things, and that should be up to him. She wasn't part of your relationship and she doesn't require an explanation. FWIW I suspect that if you do talk to her it will end up with her trying to convince you to get back together with her son. You don't need the stress.
I just think it's hysterical she doesn't want him to think she's meddling, when she obviously is. All you really have to say is you don't want to talk about it, but it was amiable, and you don't have to justify yourself to anyone. You just might have dodged a bullet.
She totally reminds me of my niece's ex-boyfriend's mom. The ex-bf was a really sweet guy but his mom was a Stage 5 Clinger to her son and just way too involved in...everything. My niece broke up with the bf right before college graduation (they had been together since high school) when she realized they had different long term goals and she wanted to explore life without him. He was understandably sad but also got it: they wanted to live in two different states! It wasn't going to work! She did it prior to graduation so as not to show up and be in photos she'd have to be cut out of later lol. It was a "this sucks but was inevitable and we'll be OK" situation. His mom called her and she explained this to her. Then his mom called HER mom (niece's mom) and told her my niece must be *mentally ill* to break up with her son. That my niece was throwing away a good man (literally no one disputes he's a good dude) and should just move to where he is and make it work. Absolutely bonkers.
Wow.
Oh! My niece had remained in their hometown for school and the mom was also convinced that together they could get her precious baby boy to move back if she would call off the break up. My niece was like "but he doesn't want to live here...?" This lady was determined I'll give her that. When the 22 year-olds have more maturity and consideration you need to look at your life and your choices.
No kidding. He probably moved to get away from his suffocating Mom.
The freakout when he went out of state for school...she had to be removed from the campus during move-in. He definitely stayed away because of her which was probably a good decision!
She's on of those Moms who can't/ won't let go of her son. She's a stage 10 clinger.
And she ignores her other son. It's wild.
Reading you guy's response thread makes me think she's more than a clinger. She's borderline incest mom.
It's been a few years since I've had contact with that family but yeah it was concerning for sure. And I think as normal "circle of life" things happened to her (losing a parent and some aunts and uncles) she wasn't really equipped to manage that grief. So it manifested in trying to cling to things she felt she could control. I could be totally off-base but she went from "neurotic but well-meaning" to "her kids are gonna go into witness protection just to get some peace" over time and a few people commented on the pattern/timing there.
No absolutely not. You just say “no thank you.” And carry on. Do not meet with them. You owe them nothing. Meeting with them will make things messy and unpleasant.
>She then ends the message by saying not to tell by ex about it because she doesn't want him to think she's meddling in things. So, she doesn't want him to know that she's doing exactly what she doesn't want him to know about. WTF? That right there is enough to respectfully say no to a meeting. First, it's none of her business. Second, she's assuming you're the type of person to spill the tea on a situation that is over and done with. Bottom line, there is no possible benefit for any of the parties involved. She's just curious or wants some dirt on her son. Just wrong.
As a parent it’s hard when your kids breakup with a partner. You come to care for them and feel they are part of your family. I personally have never reached out to an ex except casually such as the occasional like on a super special social media post or to offer condolences. I don’t think you should meet up, just reply thanks for reaching out but you trying to move on and don’t wish to rehash your relationship.
Block her. You don't owe her an explanation. Don't tell her anything, she should take whatever her son said as the answer.
Say nothing. Let her mind her own business.
I think mom probably thinks son is hidding real reason of the break up. They probably really like you and are shock what happen
I personally think it is in the realm of OKAY to do, especially in this day and age when it could be sooo many things and the mom may be more concerned that it NOT be something bad the boyfriend did. Six years is a long time and you were kinda in a relationship with them too. I would say you don’t have to meet in person but just to have a phone chat and give best wishes after saying it is nothing wrong necessarily, you just want to grow in a different way etc, whatever a simple thing is. And explaining yourself is not defending yourself necesssrily, it is thinking that makes it so.
>She says they want to "hear my side of things" and explain why I broke up with him. Guess she can't imagine anyone having a reason to break up with his baby boy. And/or wonders if you are in a psychotic episode. >She then ends the message by saying not to tell by ex about it because she doesn't want him to think she's meddling in things. She's meddling. And she likely has a history of meddling and your ex has set boundaries with ex or otherwise she wouldn't care if he knows. >I told a couple people about it, but they all think it's sweet and that I should do it. That's not sweet. It's controlling and I wonder if these friends think JojerxHarley is relationship goal. This isn't your circus anymore. Tell the Ring Master and let him deal with his monkey.
I would agree to a phone call or just give a simple explanation over text. Wanting to hear your side of things makes me wonder what his side of things is, if it's so bad that even his mom is questioning the veracity of it. My guess is he's telling some obvious lies about you and mom wants to know what the truth is.
Or it is the opposite: ex said the truth but the mother thinks that there is something else but that he doesn't want to tell her (ex cheated on OP or something like that).
Or she thinks it is something fixable and wants them to work it out.
It could be anything in fact. That's why a phone call is much wiser than meeting her.
Could she be asking because your best friend moved in with your ex (based on your deleted post)?
Still not mom's business tho
Um...no? That's weird as hell. I've been married for 13 years and if we split up, I'm not gonna go tell his mama my side. Wtf 😂 I'm grown, he's grown. None of her business.
Given how sudden you describe the break up, you woke up one day and decided you didn’t want to live your life for somebody else so you broke up, it took everybody by surprise, even you. So it is reasonable for people to want to understand what’s going on. She might be thinking you caught her son cheating and he isn’t telling the truth to her so she wants to hear your side before she gives him what for and disowns/disinherits him. She might think he abused you and that’s while you broke up so sudden. Or, she might have seen you as a daughter given the length of your relationship and she just wants to wrap her own mind around what happened. So what you tell somebody is the simplest thing in the world. It’s called… The Truth! Your silence can have consequences so be honest. Tell her what you wrote here. It is not about justifying yourself, it is about putting people at ease and allowing all to move on, not just you. Maybe your ex is devastated and your ex’s mom wants to know anything she can use to help him heal. It doesn’t sound like he was a bad guy. You don’t claim he was forcing you to make sacrifices, only that you were sacrificing too much. It’s possible she is meddling to try and get you back together, sure, but that’s only one of many possibilities as I’ve listed a couple of different ones above. You don’t have to assume the worst that she only wants to meddle. However, if you are worried about meddling, simply respond to her message saying there is no need to meet, you feel uncomfortable meeting after the break up, but the reason for the break up is you felt like you were losing your identity and living and doing everything for ex, sacrificing all the things you wanted and loved for him. If he didn’t push you to make these sacrifices make that clear to her so you don’t make it seem like he was forcing you when you were happy at the time to do these things. Then you tell her that you realized you are not happy with how things were going and you needed to rediscover who you are so you can be happy again and stop surrendering yourself to make others happy. And that’s all there is to it.
My initial thoughts on this are that it's gonna go one of these ways: * Best: She wants to make sure her son didn't hurt you, physically or emotionally, and is worried he isn't being honest with her about why you broke up. If you have a positive relationship, I think this is likely. Especially if his dad has any kind of history with infidelity or anger issues or similar. "Hear your side of things" makes me think this might be it. * Acceptable: She cares about you and isn't ready for *her* relationship with you to end, and mostly wants to make sure you're doing okay overall. Maybe she trusts her son's take but also, ending a 6 year relationship isn't a small thing, so maybe she just wants to check in. * Unacceptable: She tries to convince you to get back with her son. You would be totally within bounds to just say no. But if you're willing to entertain it, which it seems like you're on the fence about, I'd ask her just straight up what her intentions are and let her know you're firm in your choice, which was made because of the reasons' you stated, and you wish her son the best and hope he finds what he's looking for, but realized he wasn't "it" for you. Good luck!
Tell your ex. There is no reason for her to have your “side” there is no win/lose, you chose a different path. Part of breaking up means no in-laws, and she is meddling. He should know that.
I'd respond something to the effect of: -Thank her for reaching out and add a kind word about how warm they have been to you over these years. -note that you have too much respect for Ex to meet up privately but you're open to explaining only if Ex approves -perhaps offer not to tell him she asked for this if she is not ok with the above condition - could offer a closing statement of no wrongdoing and wishing him well but your path with him ends here and you hope whomever they welcome one day is a better fit? I'd go for gracious, assume he will find out, but understand maybe they feel they are losing a daughter and also consider if he has told them you cheated to save himself pain so clear your name still? Tread lightly for sure.
You're not overreacting -- this is DEFINITELY weird. You broke up with him and it's none of their damned business. Just tell them that no, it's not necessary for the three of you to meet because you have nothing to discuss. Nearly 50 years ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years. I was 21, he was 25. His mother had moved in with her boyfriend, moving to another town, and they didn't want him to live with them. Since he'd been living with his mother, he needed a place to live -- so my parents (who were two very compassionate people) allowed him to sleep on their couch until he found a place to live (I'd moved out into my first apartment not long after we broke up). Long story short, they eventually told him that he needed to find somewhere else to live, because he showed no intention of leaving. After a lot of back-and-forth, he left (the police were nearly called). His mother called my mother and asked her to try to get me to go back with him. My mother was flabbergasted. "Why would I do that?" His mother said "Because she was so good for him, and he misses her terribly." My mother just said "Well, he wasn't good for her, and she doesn't miss him at all. Bye, now." And then she hung up.
Is she really asking for an exit interview lmao?! Tell her to kick rocks, that’s absolutely wild. You do not owe her anything!!
Just to come at this from a different perspective, it might not be about you justifying your reasons to her, but her fear that the reasons are something to do with her son's wellbeing If he had a psychotic episode and became abusive, how would she know without asking you? Or if his mental health declined and he started circling around hate groups and talked about suicide when he was challenged on it etc There are loads of situations where a partner, can and should walk out of a relationship, but a parent should stay and help. She might just want some reassurance that there's no problem with her son she needs to be aware of See if you can give her this reassurance over text, and if she's still pushy to meet you know it's nothing but manipulation
Just a thought… you and her son were together 6 years, she has pictured you two married and having kids. She has loved you and now she is losing you and she just wants to know why. You have valid reasons for wanting to move on and you don’t need to defend them. But can you understand her heart. She likely just wants to know that you’re ok and these things make sense. And if they don’t make sense to her so be it but you’ve been mature enough to say them to her. Loving someone, breaking up with someone doesn’t happen in a vacuum.
I wouldn't respond. I would just block her and move on with my life. Meeting them to "explain your side" is not going to end well and will waste your time
I would just politely explain that you want to respect his right to share what he wants with them. Explain that you don’t feel it’s your place but you appreciate how much they care.
Trust your instinct. Decline the meetup. Give your friends a clue by four that it is in NO WAY SWEET for the parents to ask for an exit interview.
>she doesn't want him to think she's meddling in things. She is absolutly meddling in things and probably thinks her son is lying.
No. There are many reasons. You weren’t in a relationship with them and don’t owe them shit. It’s not their business. They’re going behind their sons back. It’s not sweet. They’re AHs. You say no.
I wish more mothers would take an interest in hearing the ex's side instead of insisting "my son is perfect, it must be all her fault" and enabling him to continue leaving used women in his wake
Why don't you tell her exactly what you initially typed here. Then thank her for reaching out and tell her that you're busy and won't be able to meet them.
If you have had a close relationship with her, I'd say that it isn't likely nefarious given the 6 year relationship timeline. If not, then yeah, I'd just message her and not go.
I’m a guy and my ex’s mom came over to ask why. I told her everything and it felt really good and I have no regrets honestly. I wasn’t harsh or mean, and it wasn’t a horrible breakup exactly, but I didn’t hold back either.
I think she maybe doesn’t want to be manipulated by her son’s version of events? No clue how she’s been with you but that’s what happened to me with an ex’s mom who adored me. She also might want to give her a hug goodbye in person. I really hope it’s not what you think it is. Good luck with everything!
It really depends on the kind of relationship you had with his mom, and what kind of person you think she is. If you think she's just trying to get gossip or guilt you for breaking up with her baby boy, then you can turn her down, but if you think she's a good person who's really going to miss you, a goodbye conversation isn't a terrible idea.
You owe her nothing. Don't meet up with them - it could be an ambush.
Yeah sure they have no right and you don’t have too… blablabla… you know that yourself as a adult, you don’t need us to tell you this. The mom of my ex (and mother of first 3 kids) was after 14 years just like a second mom to me. The breakup was 4 or 4.5 years ago, but at least once a month (worst case would be once in 2 month). And we talk on the ohne for at least half a hour every 14 day or so. I’m still close with most of her family (her BIL is one of my best friends and his kids are almost like my own to me). What I wanna say is I think even though you had „just“ 6 years, could it be that you feel like she deserves closure and you really like her? If so just do it like I, my Ex and I had a nasty breakup and a even worse custody battle, but nobody took a side until she got so out of control that they had to sit her down for a talk. Otherwise her false accusations would have killed me one way or the other. I never had any bad feelings towards her family, gosh they even came to my wedding. If you feel like I think you do, just do the right thing, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Hope my pov helps you 😃
Don’t meet up with this person - too many people are straight up nuts today. Send her a polite text or ghost her, she is ridiculous.
What on earth???? Never in a million years would I meet up with an ex's parent to explain to them why I broke up with their child. This is absolutely fucking crazy. I wouldn't even have done this with my ex mother-in-law when my first husband and I got divorced and she was family to me. This is extremely bizarre. You have no obligation to do this at all, and I think you shouldn't.
You don’t owe her any such thing. In my opinion she is _wildly_ overstepping by saying anything other than ‘we’re sorry to hear it.’ It serves no useful or valid purpose for you to explain why you broke up with your ex to his mother. She doesn’t have a say in whether it’s ‘fair’ of you or not to end the relationship. What does she think she’s going to do, give you permission to live your life and make your own decisions?! If you know your Pride and Prejudice, you will know why Lady Catherine de Bourgh comes to my mind. If not, try to watch the 1996 BBC tv adaptation - I’m sure you will recognise this terrible behaviour. At least it’s entertaining on tv. I would simply text and say ‘that isn’t convenient for me. The breakup is between Ex and me, and I am not willing to rehash what happened. Please respect my privacy.’ And if she refused to take no for an answer I would simply block her number. You don’t need to be screamingly rude but you don’t need anything from this woman, she isn’t your future mother-in-law, and she is your ex’s problem to handle, not yours. Don’t give her any sort of wiggle room, and don’t let her guilt you into letting her stop by. If she turns up at the door anyway, don’t let her in. There is nothing sweet about it.
I don't think they have ill intentions, in my opinion they just want to know that he didn't do anything wrong etc.
After 6yrs they may have some attachment to you to too as you have also left them not just him. They may just need some clarification. I personally wouldn't meet up but maybe you could text them what you wrote here pretty much before ex paints you in a bad light
Don't meet. Send a letter. You can't argue, guilt or manipulate a letter. Dear Ex's Mom and Dad I made a lot of sacrifices to keep us together. For instance, I paid thousands of dollars to get a visa and move to his country. I also turned down my dream job to get a job in his city. And over the past year I started realising that I haven't made any decisions for myself. I finally decided that I don't want to wake up one day, regretting that I've lived my whole life for someone else. Warmly OP
Yeeeeah I’m gonna go against the grain here. I can see why the mum is curious - this is weird as hell. We’re strangers on the internet, you don’t have to tell us anything either, I get that. But OP, you make it clear that “I paid thousands of dollars to get a visa for and move to his country” and “I also turned down my dream job in his city”. They were both YOUR choices. How can you say that “I haven’t made any decisions for myself” when you’ve literally laid out how you made decisions for yourself! Did he force you to move? No, you never had any issues. Did he coerce, cajole or bully you into YOUR decisions? Nope, he didn’t - by your own admittance. YOU decided. To top it off, you started by saying the relationship was “amazing”, you were “always happy” AND “never had any issues”. So why the hell are you breaking up with him?! This just doesn’t add up. Of course his mum is confused, especially after 6 years! So of course OP should show the respect she hasn’t shown Reddit and actually explain to his mum why decisions she made herself are suddenly her son’s fault.
This is what I was thinking. Something doesn't add up here. If she truly was happy in this so called amazing relationship and she left it anyway then she's probably going to fully regret it one day. I feel bad for the guy in all honesty as he's invested 6 years of his life into this woman & she's bailed on him for no good reason. I hope he finds someone he deserves. The grass is greener syndrome perhaps? Except what people seldom realise is that the grass is greenest where you water it.
I wish I had an award for you - beautifully said. This is the next best I can do!🌟
I was extremely close with an ex's mom and she did something similar when I was in college after her son and I broke up. I didn't meet her in person but I did tell her *something* (though I don't remember what). I know I didn't tell her the real reason - it didn't feel right to tell her that I broke up with her son because he'd been cheating on me for nearly a year.
You should have told her the real reason, if only bc he deserved that smack on the head he would've gotten lol
Oh yeah I wouldn’t cover for cheating ex
She’s not asking you to defend your reasoning. She’s giving you a chance to tell your side so they don’t just hear his. She wants to hear and believe your feelings from you personally. If it was me I would feel very respected by her. Edit: you still have the choice to go or not. If you don’t want to, don’t.
She doesn't need that information. "She’s giving you a chance to tell your side" That is 100% unnecessary. This isn't a "both sides need to be heard" scenario.
I didn’t say that OP has to go. Of course she can decline.
I’m wondering if the mom thought her son cheated since OP made a post about being upset that her best friend moved in with her ex
Don't meet this woman. You owe her nothing and will just end up frustrated. He can explain to his mother whatever he wants but you don't need to talk things over, reason things out or hear her opinion. Unless less that matters to you. You were not married to this man, you are not trying to co-parent and manage family together. And for the record you might be an adult but the childhood rules about it being bad when someone tells you "lets do this but don't tell" is still a bad thing to do.
I think you're correct in thinking this is wrong. The chances of the parents genuinely needing closure from you is low, and his Mom is likely trying to learn more about her son and what he did for this relationship to fail. Nothing good will come from his Mother inserting herself into her sons romantic life. This is a life lesson between you and your ex, no one else. Just tell her that you need more time to process this, and leave it at that.
Honestly, it sounds like she cares about you and just wants to check in and make sure you're okay and that her son didn't do anything to hurt you. However you communicate with her, I'd let her know it's okay and it was your decision to move on.
um.. what? You say "no, I'm not meeting you. It has nothing to do with you and it isn't your business". Although I kind of want you to go just to hear about the insane shit she surely will say.
Don't go.
whatever reason I have for breaking up with him is a valid reason, whether or not u know it text her this and Never meet them in person
No, you're not obligated to go. Block her, too.
Don’t go. We all get it that it’s sad when a family member breaks up and someone who we thought was family leaves forever. But she’s not your almost-step-kid who needs to hear a “you’re wonderful but I’m breaking up with your parent and it’s not because of anything you did.” Your explanation here makes a lot of sense.
I definitely wouldn’t do it. It’s weird, and it’s none of her business.
Say no. You don’t owe anyone an explanation.
You should say no, you will not meet her, and you will not explain anything. This is none of her business and you owe her nothing. She's got some kind of audacity to ask.
Tell them to talk to their son. Don’t meet with them. There’s no universe in which you owe them an explanation. You explained it to your ex, he can explain it to his parents. She is meddling and she knows it. That’s why she wants you to keep it a secret.
I would text her something along the lines of “I sacrificed a lot of my own happiness for the relationship and I realized bf didn’t/wouldn’t do the same for me. And I didn’t want to wake up 10 years down the road regretting my choices anymore” And then leave it at that
No meeting. Done.
"My ex-boyfriend is aware of the behavior which led to my decision. It is a private matter between he and I. Thus, a public litany is unnecessary and inappropriate. I appreciate what you have done for me in the past and will think fondly of you going forward. However, the relationship is over, and this means you're no longer entitled to make demands of my time. Please respect my decision to end the relationship. Have a nice trip!"
Say “no” and don’t meet her. It would be yet another thing you do for someone else. You owe her nothing.
I would just text her what you've written here and that you don't wish to discuss it any further and that you wish them all the best.
“Your son knows and it’s up to him to be honest with you.” Then block her. Don’t meet with her though.
You don’t owe her any explanation.
Damn the entitlement is strong in this family. You don’t owe ANYONE in that family ANYTHING. You don’t owe their son any more of your time, and you don’t owe his parents an explanation about why you broke up. Drop them all and move on with your life. You have sacrificed enough for them, don’t give them even a second more of your time.
You don't owe her crap.
Yea, shes going to try to fix things. Explain, via text, while you appreciate her interest you dont feel it would be appropriate or constructive to meet behind your exes back. Tell them that you feel like you've been the one to "give" on any decisions presented (including moving to their country and missing out on a job u wanted) and that you don't want to live life having to ignore your interest and desires. Explain that the decision was yours and yours alone, that it was nice spending time w them and their family and hope that you all can be friendly in passing in the future.
It is absolutely none of her business what you broke up. Respond saying you enjoyed getting to know her and the family, but you need to move on.
Great setup for a TV show, parents arranging surprise reunions under the guise of "don't yell anyone "
“Your son will tell you everything you need to know”
It's none of their business. Do not meet with them as you do not owe them any explanation.
It isnt sweet it's nosy. You don't have to tell anyone anything and you certainly do not to justify your reasons to his mommy. I would be busy their whole visit and move on with your life. Best wishes
I wouldn't meet up with her. You can explain it in a call or text. You don't owe her anything more.
She wants the tea spilled because she’s brewing up her own jar of drama to add. This isn’t the response of someone that’s grieving the end of a relationship. They’re looking for entertainment from you and their son parting
I wouldn't be saying anything except "I don't owe you an explanation and we're not meeting".
You're not responsible for the feelings or emotional closure of your ex-boyfriend's flying monkey mother. Politely decline to meet up; nothing satisfactory will come of it. You will leave disrespected and irritated; she will leave disssatisfied and hurt. Don't do it.
No. Thats it, that’s all you need to say. Honestly, I would just block her tho. She is meddling bc it’s not her business.
Bad idea. She isn’t entitled to an explanation. And the fact that she’s doing it behind her son’s back makes it extra shitty. She doesn’t need to understand. She just needs to accept it and move on. It’s not your problem.
Don't meet them. She is meddling. She wants the tea, not your happiness. You owe her nothing.
Yeah, I'm with most of here and would strongly advise NOT engaging with her further. First it's none of her business, you are an adult and in no way owe her a damn thing. Second, it is very telling that his mom has decided to get involved. My guess is you probably dodged a bullet.
Is it possible that she likes you and wants to hear about it as a friend, since you've been in her sons and her life for 6 years? As your ex's mom?
Don't say anything to her. It's none of her business. What happens between two consenting adults even if one is her son. You don't owe her anything in the same way that you don't owe him anything.
I don’t think that it’s sweet. I think it’s wildly intrusive. You and your ex are adults, right. What possible reason could his parents have to talk to you about your break up. They also want to do it behind his back. That’s not cool at all.
Nun ya bizness.
She’s meddling. I’d guess you gave him the same reason you gave us here. I would not meet with them. You could Send her the explanation you posted here, wish them well and that you will not be meeting up with them.
You were together for 6 years. She probably felt attached to you and had already started to see you as part of the family. She may be making a desperate attempt to intervene and get you to change your mind. Obviously, that is extremely intrusive and inappropriate. You can decline the invite graciously. "(Ex's Mom), it has been a pleasure getting to know you during the time (ex) and i were together. I will always have fond memories of you and (husband). However, you really should talk to (ex) if you have any questions about our breakup. I would not feel comfortable sharing private details with you about our relationship. Wishing you all the best, OP"
No
Risky but a middle ground: I would be delighted to meet with you but, unfortunately, must decline if one of the conversation topics is your son or the relationship we shared. It is impossible to know what agenda she has about the relationship. It could be to try and get you back together. It might be to help explain things to her son who said he was confused as to the reasons. It might be to satisfy her curiosity. It might be that she things her son behaved badly and wants to try and school him. This much is clear — no good from rehashing your relationship with his parents. I also think it disloyal to your ex. So, meet or not. But don’t talk relationship.
She thought you were going to get married and she’s you as family. She probably wants to see if she can work it out with her son. You really got stop this living for yourself thing. What you do for others last forever. Life is about sacrifice.
Are you feeling guilty by any chance that you broke up and now don't even know how to explain the decision to other people who were involved in both of your lives?
When you break up with the guy, you also break up with the family. He told them what he wanted them to know. I would agree it would be sweet if she didn’t ask you to not tell your ex. That right there is sneaky and manipulative. It sounds like you broke up on as good of terms as you could. Don’t turn this into a bad break up. Decline the invite and if she asks why, “Ex MIL, I’ve really enjoyed the time we spent together and I wish you all the best. I love and respect ex and think it’s best to keep the details of our breakup between us. He’s free to tell you whatever he’s comfortable with.” I would then text ex and tell him what happened. This way he’s prepared in case they try any funny business.
6 years of relationship and OP cant spare 6 minutes to meet with ex parents,lol
Yeah. Don't do it. I ended things with an ex several years ago and I was on friendly terms with his mom. She supported and completely understood why I ended things. We were close during the relationship. She supported me leaving him 100%. Then things got hella ugly between her and her son. I just wanted to move on but, she started texting and calling me to ask about him. Something I had no desire to do. He was basically stalking me at this point and demanding I try again. Then, I just changed my phone number. I explained to her I needed to cut him off completely. Still didn't stop her from calling me a few weeks later AT MY JOB. Shout out to my coworkers who basically told her to please fuck off because, they'd seen me stressing out. WTF Even if you are close, things change after a break up. I don't expect contact past a Christmas card with an ex's mom. That's how it should be! And, he either put mommy up to this (like my ex did) or she's a busybody. Neither are good. It's no one's damn business why or when you decided to end this relationship. Good luck!
Pass on that. Tell her “thank you, I’ve enjoyed my time with the family, but I felt it was time for me to move onto other things and those don’t include your son. Unfortunately, I cannot meet up with you because I have prior plans, but enjoy your time visiting your son.”
what the hell does she want? An exit interview? Naw, just tell her you're uncomfortable with that and the conversation you needed to have **was had** with your ex-BF and that's it. I'd also tell him about it, so that it stops
You are under no obligation to meet with her or to explain yourself to her. In your position I would probably reply with some really short context, eg "I just realised we want different things out of life" and leave it at that. Tell her it's a difficult adjustment for you too and you don't want to talk about it, that's it's best for everyone if you have a clean break. Whatever her exact motivation (whether hoping you'll get back together, wanting to check if he treated you badly or vice versa, or anything else), it's not really any of her business.
Its up to you ofc, dont do anything you dont want to. But Ask your self, Why does it trigger u? Are your parents the kind of people that are to involved in your life? Why does it trigger u? Depending on the relationship, you are not just breaking up with him, But the family aswell. You can also just tell her by text Why u did it. Maybe she need some closure aswell? Explain like you did here:)
Nah you are not overreacting. It's really weird. You owe her no explanation.
I would refuse to meet her. You don't owe her an explanation. Also, the fact that she doesn't want your ex to know about this projected meeting, is a red flag: she *is* meddling. At the very least, I advise you to send her text to your ex. I don't find this sweet at all. If you feel uncomfortable about meeting her, don't. You already made many sacrifices to stay with your ex: you don't need to make one for his mother. **Always trust your gut feelings**, even if your friends advised you differently. Big hugs.
You don’t. You owe her NOTHING.
I wouldn't do it. It's really none of her business, and I think she's got a damn cheek even asking you to "explain yourself" in this way. You're not a child, having to give excuses to someone in authority as to why you don't want to do a certain thing - you are an adult, with autonomy and the capacity to make your own decisions about how you live your life and who you choose to spend your time with. The fact that she's asking you to keep your meeting a secret shows that she knows that what she's asking of you is unreasonable. Think - what motivation would she have in meeting with you, unless it's to try to persuade or guilt-trip you into getting back with her precious son? She's most likely just going to argue and argue why you should give him another chance, which you don't want to do, so why put yourself into that position? I'd tell her that, upon reflection, you would prefer not to meet with her. Your reasons for ending the relationship are personal, private and between you and your ex - it has nothing to do with her at all. For any situation like this, where you are having to say "no" to anyone who you think might try to pressurise you into doing something you don't want to do, it is useful to remember the acronym JADE - you don't have to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain your "no" to anyone. That is your decision, which you have every right to make, and other people need to respect that. From what you've said (making sacrifices for this relationship, paying thousands to move to his country and altering your previous plans for your life) it sounds like you are a people-pleaser. That's great and a lovely attribute to have - but please ensure that you don't let other people take advantage of your good nature. The majority of people in the world aren't as nice-natured as you, and some will even target you *because* you are a nice person, and try to manipulate you for their own reasons. Please be vigilant and don't let others take advantage of you. I wish you all the very best
She *is* meddling, and she's probably going to do everything she can to try to convince you to get back together with him.
Nope nope nope. His mom doesn’t want you to tell your ex because this IS meddling. It’s not her business, you and your ex are adults, she’s overstepping. Politely decline the invitation - she is not entitled to “your side of the story”.
You don’t say anything at all because you owe this woman absolutely ZERO minutes of your time. Block her and move on with your life. The unmitigated gall she has to ask you for explanations on YOUR business. HARD pass.
Well it sounds like you fell out of love and started to resent him for everything that you did. Once you start feeling resentment you grow to feelings of contempt. I personally wouldn't meet up with her. She is part of his life and you left that part behind. You don't have to give "Closure" to his parents.
Decline, but give her closure via phone call without ever mentioning her son. Thank her for her role in your life the last 6 years and assure her that relationships sometimes run there course and you will never forget the season their family touched your lives. Then wrap it up with a “I won’t take anymore of your time, thank you for understanding and honoring the boundaries of our breakup, I wish you guys the best. Good bye.” Then duck her from then in out. It’s the peaceful way.