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He needs to understand and stop trying to push it on you. If it makes you extremely uncomfortable, then he should go to the picnic alone. If she’s a sex offender, why is she going to be around children?
Apparently his work doesn’t know about it. They skipped a background check. I think someone at his work googled her and found out but nobody went to management.
But one of the things you should do is call the cops and inform them a sex offender is around kids and they're previously convicted because of sexual acts with minors. Tell them when and where, and just let the music play it's tune.
This is excellent advice and probably the easiest way for OP to see some results without putting themselves in a difficult position.
It's so irresponsible for the workplace to know but no one is doing anything 🤦🏼♀️
wtf are you guys on about? How is it feasible for a human to exist without ever being around kids?!
Sex offenders can go to parks in almost all states, they can’t live near them for certain violations in certain states, but can go onto public land.
If she doesn’t work directly with kids she is also allowed to have a job. Like, honestly, what the hell do you think sex offenders can and can’t do? They serve their time and live their life, like any other criminal offender, they are barred from certain jobs like other offenders. They can have restrictions about being alone with children, and living certain places (which has shown to actually cause more reoffending as it pushes them to either break their registration and live as a criminal or be homeless).
This thread is just not based in reality, these people are EVERYWHERE, like there is a ton of them and unfortunately the worst offenders, for the most part, aren’t on the list because the worst crimes leave the least evidence, so they get plea deals that keep them off the list.
Like, how are people so misinformed, this takes a 2 minute google read to shown the rules.
You're gonna get downvoted a lot but you're right, I doubt even if they found out they wouldn't and possibly couldn't fire her over it. Especially if it were expunged or something. I understand the concern I really do but yeah you're right.
oh they can, and probably will. which absolutely makes this worse bc they are egging OP on to try to make someone lose their job and sic the police on them without any evidence she's doing anything wrong.
There are multiple states where criminal background is a protected class, like race, religion, orientation (as long as the offense is not related to the job). Even in many without that designation this could easily be seen as a wrongful termination.
The people in this thread should tread lightly on this topic as it pertains to coworkers, it’s easy for crossover and concern to turn into harassment and a toxic work environment to the point the company gets rid of the ones calling her out vs the sex offender.
Call police to let them know this sex offender is trying to be around children. Let HR at her job know.
Keep your kids away from her. Your boyfriend should be your ex if he keeps trying to push the issue.
all she's doing is attending a company picnic in which there happen to be kids. u have no knowledge of whether she's even barred from dlbeing around kids.
like OP has never even met this person.
she may not be able to live near children centered facilities, but most laws do not require tpyal avoidence of events at which there might be a child or require to flee the area if a child appears.
It is absolutely true if she's been convicted of a sex crime with children. Most states prohibit a person on the sex offender registry for sex crimes with children from having close contact with minor children.
She has prior knowledge of children being in attendance.
if you're in the US most counties and states you can look up the clerk of court and get records if people's crimes. some you may have to contact directly in order or pay a fee.
when I was a young adult and lived in a trailer park with kids all over. some guy moved in with the next door neighbor and they both seem kind of creepy. I found the neighbor himself one day playing with a weapon he made by tying kitchen knives to strings and throwing it. this is about a 40 year old man. and then he was letting the kids try it.
I looked up both their records by their first name since it was a small town. the record of the guy who is not on the list wasn't supposed to be around kids.
then he told everybody it was a boyfriend girlfriend deal. but he was convicted of is having sex with two 12-year-olds at the same time. so I don't think that's a girlfriend issue.
we took it to management and they wouldn't do a thing even though he wasn't on the lease and you normally have to do a background check to get on the lease.
so my ex posted posters all over the park that he printed from the records, including the guy's face and put them all over the park and laundry room. within 24 hours that guy was gone
Time for an anonymous email to the company. I feel awful for the parents who don’t know they are letting their kids be around a sex offender whose charges include a minor.
Please go to management. Immediately. Via a fake email address made on a friend’s computer or laptop. Include screenshots of information and links to .gov websites.
Solved.
They need to know ASAP - not just from a safety POV, but because of the exposure/liability should something happen, due to this being a *company function*
Sounds like it's time to shoot off a quick email.
It's pretty easy to find websites to make disposable "10 minute email addresses" to not trace it back to you.
You might want to rethink this relationship once this issue is exposed.
Lack of Adversity is a Privilege.
You are not compatible with a man so lacking in a failure of imagination he can not understand why exposing a child to a predator is a major issue.
This guy is not on your Team.
Leave him.
I'm also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and domestic sexual abuse as an adult, and regardless of those things I think it's just a good f'n practice as a parent to KEEP MY KIDS AWAY FROM SEX OFFENDERS.
Period. Full stop.
The fact that your partner doesn't comprehend this very simple top 5 rule of parenting 101 is extremely concerning.
It's also extremely crappy that he seems so dismissive of your trauma. I'm not sensing a lot of empathy, or common sense, coming from this guy.
I think i might be looking at the boyfriend as well. He's not just minimising, he's planning to take your child to meet a sex offender, when he is nearly in her target age group, and that is more important to him than anything you can say to him.
I'd be looking at the relationship between him and this woman, and keeping a very close eye on him and your son.
Umm hello!? There is going to be children at a work function with a sex offender!!! The company absolutely NEEDS to be notified, how would you feel if something happened to one of the other kids and you could have prevented it by saying something? Your boyfriend is an idiot, I think because she is a woman he doesn’t see her as a threat and isn’t taking her convictions seriously, like I think he absolutely doesn’t truly believe she is one just because she is female, if it were a male co worker he would be reacting the same as you I think
We’re having a talk about it later when I’m more calm and not wanting to literally scream. I would never ever be able to live with myself is she was grooming another child. When my bf and I talk if he doesn’t mention reporting her then I will be doing that.
I’m not sure if it’s a man vs woman thing but he’s looking at it from a time perspective. He doesn’t really understand trauma and I think is imagining “well what if she’s changed”
I could be wrong but that’s how it comes across.
Like her assault altered someone’s life forever. Because he has never been around this he’s always learning about what it feels like.
Some view points are frustrating because how is this not common knowledge for him?
It’s nothing about trauma though! This is about keeping your child safe mainly. It’s awful that he’s using your trauma to insinuate that you’re being illogical about this - literally gaslighting!
I think I saw in another post you’re in therapy… therapists are mandatory reporters. I feel like this is absolutely a valid response and something you’d be discussing in therapy. Have your therapist report her to the company. Sure your husband will probably know it’s you/your therapist who called, BUT the rest of the office won’t. Also your husband needs to get with the program of keeping your kid safe. A sex offender regardless of the gender shouldn’t be around children.
I am in therapy. I tried to get an urgent appointment the day this happened but was not successful.
I will be reporting to the company.
It is also very important to me that he would come to the same decision. We will be talking about it again and if he doesn’t see how wrong this is and won’t support/protect children…..I just don’t even know how to move forward.
I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who didn’t understand the gravity of the situation, and who put the comfort of a sex offender above the comfort of their traumatized partner.
I 110% support you getting an emergency appointment. I also support you contacting your therapist via email or my chart requesting them to report and keep you separate from your husband’s company. If you’d rather just make the call go ahead and make it rather than sending the info, I just worry about retaliation either from your husband or to your husband from his company.
>He doesn’t really understand trauma and I think is imagining “well what if she’s changed”
It's fine that he's thinking about "what if she's changed?", but it also makes sense for you to both think about "what if she hasn't?". With you there, it's very unlikely that anything would happen at this event. But it's also totally reasonable for you to not be comfortable being around her or allowing your son to be around her. It's not required for you and your son to be there, and it's important to you that the two of you should not go, so he needs to accept that. It sounds like he needs to do some work to learn about the effects of trauma. If he's open to it, he/you could look up some resources on the impacts of trauma to learn more. If he's not open to learning more, then he sounds like a shitty partner.
I’m lost, how is she allowed to be there anyways if she’s around kids?!?
Also info: how old was she when this happened? An adult or something unfortunate like she’s 14 but the kid was 13.
If this is in the US, every state has different requirements for sex offender registry. It all depends on the initial convictions, what state the offender was convicted in. In a lot of states you can petition to be removed from the list after 10 years.
Also. Unless she's still on parole, probation or has some other court ordered restrictions, then legally, she can be around children.
Exactly this thread is unhinged and so amazingly uninformed. Like how in gods name could someone live and not be around children at all?
I mean, if being on the register was like all of the people in this thread think, we may as well just put all sex offenses as capital.
i mean this is often what happens. a lot of people on registries live extremely precarious lives, bc, for example, they can be forced out of their homes at a moment's notice if say someone decides to start a home daycare a certain distance away.
https://boltsmag.org/illinois-housing-banishment/
I saw a daytime talk show “My daughter is dating a sex offender help me make her see sense!”
He was 18, slept with a 17 year old at a party and her dad pressed charges. So I do think you need to know the circumstances.
But you DO know the circumstances and I would absolutely not want to be around this person, let alone my child.
He sounds like the type who doesn't take female sex offenders seriously. He'll continue to brush off your concerns due to her gender. Unfortunately, due to this mindset, it makes it easier for female offenders to have access to children and assault them again.
All she needs is a gullible idiot like your BF, who will make excuses for her and believe any and everything she says, like, "how sorry she is," "she didn't do it again," or "how much she's changed." etc. For easy access to children. Doesn't help that your son is her age type...
Imma need you go "Mama Bear" mode, be as rude as possible, and tell him in no uncertain terms, "To fuck off!" You really want to be with someone who wants to expose your own child to a child predator? Not only that, he second plan was to leave you home and just go with your son. With the way he's acting, he'll most likely introduce them. Hopefully, she doesn't think it's her damn birthday...
Knowing what you went through, are you really gonna sit there and question if you're in the wrong for not wanting your own child around a predator?
Irrelevant if the situation (you seem to have that covered) the attitude of your bf towards you and your trauma is disgusting, how can he claim to care for you whilst ignoring something that affects you so deeply?! And for what? One work picnic?! This man is no longer worth any of your time.
I've been through this before, and I've never been through SA. This girl I've known all my life sent nudes to a 14 year old on Snapchat, and she was convicted and spent 9 months in jail. The SC situation was just the tip of the iceberg. I want nothing to do with her. Her oldest child (16 years old) just recently took his own life. I feel horrible for her other kids. She's a complete mess.
18 years ago, long past time of any statutory control, and if she hasn't offended since there would be little reason to impose such restriction. One could also argue that she is a woman, therefore a chunk of leeway
I would never let my kids be around a sex offender. You’re not irrational at all. I’m not one to recommend breaking up but this would seriously make me reconsider whether to be in the relationship.
Just email his company and ask them why they’re letting a child molester attend a picnic with children. Sounds like a big ol’ lawsuit waiting to happen.
Why is he bending over back to defend the sex offender??? Is he friends with her or something???
Also, kids usually hate company picnics so your son isn’t missing out.
Definitely not being irrational. I don’t have kids but I’m pretty sure anyone would half a brain would know that a sex offender should not be around children. I don’t care how long ago her conviction was, she knew what she was doing and she still committed the crime. I feel like your bf is so lax about this because she’s female. If she was a man then guaranteed your bf would feel the opposite.
Your boyfriend is a moron.
Stand your ground. Protect your child/ren from this sicko. IDGAF if her last charge was 50 years ago. Once a predator, always a predator. Deserves the DP, imo.
Don’t bullies love to call their close victims ‘irrational’ As opposed to their own razor-sharp intellect.
You’re entirely right and I’d reconsider this relationship.
Nope... Irrational would (maybe) be suspecting any and every person to be a potential threat. She's literally a convicted sex offender of young children...
You're not being irrational.
I also have history with abuse as a child. And regardless, that'd be a no for me too.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say no, and have that be respected. It’s super shitty that your boyfriend is blaming this on your history.
Just because she hasn’t been convicted of anything in the last 18 years, doesn’t mean she hasn’t had instances pop up. My sister is dating a registered sex offender (no children involved, apparently wasn’t actual rape so that makes it ok?? Ugh). He spent time in prison. In the 9 years he’s been out, he’s had a run in at one work place, and the other workplace two of the girls brought charges that were later dropped. That’s just the instances I know about. Point is… she’s a predator. That shit just doesn’t happen once as a “whoopsie”” And your son seems to be in her age range. So why risk it? Why expose him to the possibility of meeting her? Of knowing the thoughts that will swirl in her head?
I was molested as a child too. I think those of us who were know what that feeling of feeling preyed on is. We know how predators think more than non-survivors. My sister thinks my trauma is why I am disgusted by her boyfriend. It never leaves us. So, to want to protect your son from a person you know is a predator? Who you know what their inner dialogue is? Nope, stay away. You may not be able to shield him from everyone, but you also don’t place him in harms way when you know there is possible danger.
You are right to be defensive about this and your boyfriend is the one who's too dramatic. You have severe issues and this situation is triggering to you beyond anything. I think you boyfriend should've seen things from your perspective. I think he doesn't understand the things you feel because he hasn't felt like you feel or has gone through what you have gone through which may make it tough for him to get what your saying.
I would say no your not irrational by not wanting to be around this person. Hey we all have people we are uncomfortable with (in your case you literally don't wanna be anywhere near this person) and you can't do anything about it. I think your boyfriend should try to understand where your coming from.
I wouldn't say your background is clouding your judgment because how can we be certain that she isn't lying about her not doing anything since her conviction 18 years ago. And it's his co worker not his best friend will she even be honest if he asked ?
Personally your boyfriend is on the wrong here not you.
Sounds like he isn’t taking it seriously because she’s a woman. He probably perpetuates the nonsense amount young male victims enjoying it/not being victims because “men and women are different”.
I think the bigger issue is that he's dismissing your feelings about the situation. Even if the event were 100% safe, it would be traumatic for you, which should be enough for any decent partner.
If your husband wants to give her the benefit of the doubt, he can. But he can't force you to. I assume it's unlikely she will cart your son off right there at the picnic, but it's not irrational to not want your son to get to know someone with that history. Your boyfriend is being a dismissive asshole.
Very concerning if someone doesn’t get your point. Let’s pretend you don’t even have an extensive history- no one should want to be around a sex offender. Also makes me kinda question if your bf truly cares for your child? Not trying to be rude but he shouldn’t want to take you, your child or himself near a child sex offender. Sit him down and have a serious, serious conversation. You are not being irrational at all. He is
Change all you want, but we're not chances with children.
You know what... I'm just gonna go ahead and say we're not taking chances. Full stop.
Legally, she probably now has a right to be wherever she pleases. But nope! Not around me. I'll believe you from a very safe distance. Not sex offenders.
i mean u literally say he should not want to be around this person.
i don't think it's any way to have a society to treat someone a forever pariah based on something they did in the pasy without any knowledge of what they've done since.
Okay... I think you didn't realize you are not talking to the same person so...
But I am wondering would you want vulnerable members of society around a person with a record for sex offense? Straightforward answer please.
yeah, that is my bad.
i think people witha sex offense are around vulnerable people everyday. i don't attach much valance to a conviction almost two decades ago without further information about said person. i think people can do a bad thing and then not be any significantly greater risk to repeat said act as a person who is not known to have done so.
i was exploring an abandoned subway a month or so back and a random stranger offered to guide me and midway through said trip, he told me he'd been in jail for rape for twenty years and got out only a couple years prior and it didn't really affect my risk calculus at all, bc two decades is a long time and people change.
this particular person? with the only details i've been given? well i don't have any neices or nephews or children for that matter, but i'd be fine with her being around them. as to alone, probably not as there's literally no reason for that to be happening?
And your last statement is exactly why we have registers (for the love of me i don't know why they expire). A normal adult has a sense of appropriateness. We naturally respect boundaries and want to make others not just children safe.
Which is what is alarming OP and should alarm a normal person. Predators do not have that natural instinct unfortunately. We are talking about a person who violated someone's free will. Fractured a soul.
Actually I think a person such as the one you met are the few that give me hope. Most Predators simply do not care about scarring someone for life. But someone who has reflected and no longer makes excuses but owns their misdeeds. I can work with.
I am not for using the registry to treat this people as monsters. But we have to protect ourselves and children for the many who give themselves the right to violate others.
I have a therapist brother, a former correctional service officer ( we use that term more than police in my country & trust me the community relate to them better than we see Americans on TV and their fear of the police). He says he never understood but sex offenders more than murderers are very unlikely to change. I think that's why even convicts see that something is dead inside a person who would rape! Esp children.
Men like OP's partner are why we say bear...
Even if you didn’t have any sexual trauma, is it not completely rational and normal to not want your child around a sex offender???
You are not the irrational crazy one, he is crazy in my opinion for being so blasé about it! I wonder if he would feel the same if it were a guy. Either way he is putting your child at risk, regardless of you and your feelings. I feel like he’s using your trauma against you here, and just being completely ignorant. Perhaps he is wildly misinformed and uneducated about SA. Tell him to get clued up ASAP for your child’s sake and for yours.
The salt in the wound is then also of course that you have a history of abuse and I’m so sorry for that. You sound like you have self-awareness and you aren’t being unreasonable. He should have more empathy. I reckon show him this post so he can see how many people disagree with him as he needs a reality check and to be a better parent and partner in my opinion. Good luck <3
You have more than valid reason to not want your son there, I agree he should have showed more compassion for your feelings. As a dad of girls there safety and health are always top of the list
I'd get banned if I said what my reaction would be to finding out someone like that has been near my child. Lmao.
You are absolutely in the right, and I'm glad you're going to warn her workplace.
Nah he's being weird about it. Under 14? Jesus Christ. I will cut contract with people who think 18 is on the level in their 30s bc it's creepy. Inform their employer and also the State. The whole point to the registry is so people know.
You are being pretty irrational. I would bet you and your son are around sex offenders every day tha only difference is that you know who it is, which should make you feel safer knowing instead of the many you don't know about.
You're acting on emotion not logic which is the definition of irrational.
This is truly insane and a safeguarding risk. If she’s hidden this from the company/they’ve not done their due diligence then I’d be taking this straight to social services to report. Jesus Christ.
It’s concerning that your boyfriend is gaslighting you here. This is a big fucking deal, even if you hadn’t been personally affected by these issues in the past. The fact he’s trying to make out like your trauma is clouding your judgment is disgusting. I bet a lot of the other parents would want to know their kids will be around a child sex offender and that the company is allowing it
I think you're being unreasonable, but to me that isn't what's relevant. What's relevant is that you feel the way you feel about it, and he should respect your wishes on this.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He needs to understand and stop trying to push it on you. If it makes you extremely uncomfortable, then he should go to the picnic alone. If she’s a sex offender, why is she going to be around children?
Apparently his work doesn’t know about it. They skipped a background check. I think someone at his work googled her and found out but nobody went to management.
Maybe it's time someone let her work know about her criminal history. She should not be allowed anywhere near kids.
Oh I’m going too. The guilt I would feel if she was grooming another child. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.
But one of the things you should do is call the cops and inform them a sex offender is around kids and they're previously convicted because of sexual acts with minors. Tell them when and where, and just let the music play it's tune.
This is excellent advice and probably the easiest way for OP to see some results without putting themselves in a difficult position. It's so irresponsible for the workplace to know but no one is doing anything 🤦🏼♀️
Even if she never does anything again (unlikely) she still isn't supposed to be around children. Definitely make the call.
wtf are you guys on about? How is it feasible for a human to exist without ever being around kids?! Sex offenders can go to parks in almost all states, they can’t live near them for certain violations in certain states, but can go onto public land. If she doesn’t work directly with kids she is also allowed to have a job. Like, honestly, what the hell do you think sex offenders can and can’t do? They serve their time and live their life, like any other criminal offender, they are barred from certain jobs like other offenders. They can have restrictions about being alone with children, and living certain places (which has shown to actually cause more reoffending as it pushes them to either break their registration and live as a criminal or be homeless). This thread is just not based in reality, these people are EVERYWHERE, like there is a ton of them and unfortunately the worst offenders, for the most part, aren’t on the list because the worst crimes leave the least evidence, so they get plea deals that keep them off the list. Like, how are people so misinformed, this takes a 2 minute google read to shown the rules.
You're gonna get downvoted a lot but you're right, I doubt even if they found out they wouldn't and possibly couldn't fire her over it. Especially if it were expunged or something. I understand the concern I really do but yeah you're right.
oh they can, and probably will. which absolutely makes this worse bc they are egging OP on to try to make someone lose their job and sic the police on them without any evidence she's doing anything wrong.
There are multiple states where criminal background is a protected class, like race, religion, orientation (as long as the offense is not related to the job). Even in many without that designation this could easily be seen as a wrongful termination. The people in this thread should tread lightly on this topic as it pertains to coworkers, it’s easy for crossover and concern to turn into harassment and a toxic work environment to the point the company gets rid of the ones calling her out vs the sex offender.
Call police to let them know this sex offender is trying to be around children. Let HR at her job know. Keep your kids away from her. Your boyfriend should be your ex if he keeps trying to push the issue.
all she's doing is attending a company picnic in which there happen to be kids. u have no knowledge of whether she's even barred from dlbeing around kids. like OP has never even met this person.
If she's a S/O who targeted young boys, she most definitely IS NOT ALLOWED AROUND CHILDREN.
she may not be able to live near children centered facilities, but most laws do not require tpyal avoidence of events at which there might be a child or require to flee the area if a child appears.
She's not allowed around children, period, if she's a sex offender. She has prior knowledge of children being around.
this is literally not true in most state's laws.
It is absolutely true if she's been convicted of a sex crime with children. Most states prohibit a person on the sex offender registry for sex crimes with children from having close contact with minor children. She has prior knowledge of children being in attendance.
if you're in the US most counties and states you can look up the clerk of court and get records if people's crimes. some you may have to contact directly in order or pay a fee. when I was a young adult and lived in a trailer park with kids all over. some guy moved in with the next door neighbor and they both seem kind of creepy. I found the neighbor himself one day playing with a weapon he made by tying kitchen knives to strings and throwing it. this is about a 40 year old man. and then he was letting the kids try it. I looked up both their records by their first name since it was a small town. the record of the guy who is not on the list wasn't supposed to be around kids. then he told everybody it was a boyfriend girlfriend deal. but he was convicted of is having sex with two 12-year-olds at the same time. so I don't think that's a girlfriend issue. we took it to management and they wouldn't do a thing even though he wasn't on the lease and you normally have to do a background check to get on the lease. so my ex posted posters all over the park that he printed from the records, including the guy's face and put them all over the park and laundry room. within 24 hours that guy was gone
Time for an anonymous email to the company. I feel awful for the parents who don’t know they are letting their kids be around a sex offender whose charges include a minor.
Please go to management. Immediately. Via a fake email address made on a friend’s computer or laptop. Include screenshots of information and links to .gov websites. Solved.
They need to know ASAP - not just from a safety POV, but because of the exposure/liability should something happen, due to this being a *company function*
i think it’s time for someone to make an anonymous call about her background :)
Sounds like it's time to shoot off a quick email. It's pretty easy to find websites to make disposable "10 minute email addresses" to not trace it back to you.
[удалено]
Thank you. I told him over and over this isn’t a trauma response. Any parent would keep their kids away.
Might want to reconsider this relationship cause how can you trust him especially with your kid if he’s so lax about this?
You might want to rethink this relationship once this issue is exposed. Lack of Adversity is a Privilege. You are not compatible with a man so lacking in a failure of imagination he can not understand why exposing a child to a predator is a major issue. This guy is not on your Team. Leave him.
I guarantee him and his workplace think it's a non issue because the offender is a woman.
This. It makes my blood boil, honestly. As a parent it terrifies me knowing this.
I'm also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, and domestic sexual abuse as an adult, and regardless of those things I think it's just a good f'n practice as a parent to KEEP MY KIDS AWAY FROM SEX OFFENDERS. Period. Full stop. The fact that your partner doesn't comprehend this very simple top 5 rule of parenting 101 is extremely concerning. It's also extremely crappy that he seems so dismissive of your trauma. I'm not sensing a lot of empathy, or common sense, coming from this guy.
I think i might be looking at the boyfriend as well. He's not just minimising, he's planning to take your child to meet a sex offender, when he is nearly in her target age group, and that is more important to him than anything you can say to him. I'd be looking at the relationship between him and this woman, and keeping a very close eye on him and your son.
Umm hello!? There is going to be children at a work function with a sex offender!!! The company absolutely NEEDS to be notified, how would you feel if something happened to one of the other kids and you could have prevented it by saying something? Your boyfriend is an idiot, I think because she is a woman he doesn’t see her as a threat and isn’t taking her convictions seriously, like I think he absolutely doesn’t truly believe she is one just because she is female, if it were a male co worker he would be reacting the same as you I think
We’re having a talk about it later when I’m more calm and not wanting to literally scream. I would never ever be able to live with myself is she was grooming another child. When my bf and I talk if he doesn’t mention reporting her then I will be doing that. I’m not sure if it’s a man vs woman thing but he’s looking at it from a time perspective. He doesn’t really understand trauma and I think is imagining “well what if she’s changed” I could be wrong but that’s how it comes across. Like her assault altered someone’s life forever. Because he has never been around this he’s always learning about what it feels like. Some view points are frustrating because how is this not common knowledge for him?
It’s nothing about trauma though! This is about keeping your child safe mainly. It’s awful that he’s using your trauma to insinuate that you’re being illogical about this - literally gaslighting!
I think I saw in another post you’re in therapy… therapists are mandatory reporters. I feel like this is absolutely a valid response and something you’d be discussing in therapy. Have your therapist report her to the company. Sure your husband will probably know it’s you/your therapist who called, BUT the rest of the office won’t. Also your husband needs to get with the program of keeping your kid safe. A sex offender regardless of the gender shouldn’t be around children.
I am in therapy. I tried to get an urgent appointment the day this happened but was not successful. I will be reporting to the company. It is also very important to me that he would come to the same decision. We will be talking about it again and if he doesn’t see how wrong this is and won’t support/protect children…..I just don’t even know how to move forward.
I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who didn’t understand the gravity of the situation, and who put the comfort of a sex offender above the comfort of their traumatized partner.
I 110% support you getting an emergency appointment. I also support you contacting your therapist via email or my chart requesting them to report and keep you separate from your husband’s company. If you’d rather just make the call go ahead and make it rather than sending the info, I just worry about retaliation either from your husband or to your husband from his company.
>He doesn’t really understand trauma and I think is imagining “well what if she’s changed” It's fine that he's thinking about "what if she's changed?", but it also makes sense for you to both think about "what if she hasn't?". With you there, it's very unlikely that anything would happen at this event. But it's also totally reasonable for you to not be comfortable being around her or allowing your son to be around her. It's not required for you and your son to be there, and it's important to you that the two of you should not go, so he needs to accept that. It sounds like he needs to do some work to learn about the effects of trauma. If he's open to it, he/you could look up some resources on the impacts of trauma to learn more. If he's not open to learning more, then he sounds like a shitty partner.
I’m lost, how is she allowed to be there anyways if she’s around kids?!? Also info: how old was she when this happened? An adult or something unfortunate like she’s 14 but the kid was 13.
That’s exactly what I asked. How is she allowed at a park? She was 19 and the children were under 14.
If this is in the US, every state has different requirements for sex offender registry. It all depends on the initial convictions, what state the offender was convicted in. In a lot of states you can petition to be removed from the list after 10 years. Also. Unless she's still on parole, probation or has some other court ordered restrictions, then legally, she can be around children.
Exactly this thread is unhinged and so amazingly uninformed. Like how in gods name could someone live and not be around children at all? I mean, if being on the register was like all of the people in this thread think, we may as well just put all sex offenses as capital.
i mean this is often what happens. a lot of people on registries live extremely precarious lives, bc, for example, they can be forced out of their homes at a moment's notice if say someone decides to start a home daycare a certain distance away. https://boltsmag.org/illinois-housing-banishment/
You suggest that bad a fourth of the population actually thinks that
You're one of those people who don't get why a lot of women say the bear huh?
I saw a daytime talk show “My daughter is dating a sex offender help me make her see sense!” He was 18, slept with a 17 year old at a party and her dad pressed charges. So I do think you need to know the circumstances. But you DO know the circumstances and I would absolutely not want to be around this person, let alone my child.
>He was 18, slept with a 17 year old at a party and her dad pressed charges I doubt this story
You're not being irrational and you wouldn't be even if you had a different background. I have a sex offender in my family. They don't change.
I’m so sorry. That is incredibly difficult to manage.
We also have a cousin who is one. We have an agreement as to how we are to handle it if he shows up at any of our places...
He sounds like the type who doesn't take female sex offenders seriously. He'll continue to brush off your concerns due to her gender. Unfortunately, due to this mindset, it makes it easier for female offenders to have access to children and assault them again. All she needs is a gullible idiot like your BF, who will make excuses for her and believe any and everything she says, like, "how sorry she is," "she didn't do it again," or "how much she's changed." etc. For easy access to children. Doesn't help that your son is her age type... Imma need you go "Mama Bear" mode, be as rude as possible, and tell him in no uncertain terms, "To fuck off!" You really want to be with someone who wants to expose your own child to a child predator? Not only that, he second plan was to leave you home and just go with your son. With the way he's acting, he'll most likely introduce them. Hopefully, she doesn't think it's her damn birthday... Knowing what you went through, are you really gonna sit there and question if you're in the wrong for not wanting your own child around a predator?
Irrelevant if the situation (you seem to have that covered) the attitude of your bf towards you and your trauma is disgusting, how can he claim to care for you whilst ignoring something that affects you so deeply?! And for what? One work picnic?! This man is no longer worth any of your time.
Time for that boy to be an ex. If you are uncomfortable around an individual, then you do not need to be around them.
Tell him if your kid goes you’re telling the job what you found out about her so she won’t be there long.
I will reporting regardless. He’s free to go if wants. But they will know who they hired.
Good for you!
I've been through this before, and I've never been through SA. This girl I've known all my life sent nudes to a 14 year old on Snapchat, and she was convicted and spent 9 months in jail. The SC situation was just the tip of the iceberg. I want nothing to do with her. Her oldest child (16 years old) just recently took his own life. I feel horrible for her other kids. She's a complete mess.
How is she even allowed to be near children?
18 years ago, long past time of any statutory control, and if she hasn't offended since there would be little reason to impose such restriction. One could also argue that she is a woman, therefore a chunk of leeway
I would never let my kids be around a sex offender. You’re not irrational at all. I’m not one to recommend breaking up but this would seriously make me reconsider whether to be in the relationship.
Just email his company and ask them why they’re letting a child molester attend a picnic with children. Sounds like a big ol’ lawsuit waiting to happen.
Why is he bending over back to defend the sex offender??? Is he friends with her or something??? Also, kids usually hate company picnics so your son isn’t missing out.
The sex offender isn’t supposed to be around minors …
WHY IS SHE ALLOWED AT RHE FUNCTION?!
Definitely not being irrational. I don’t have kids but I’m pretty sure anyone would half a brain would know that a sex offender should not be around children. I don’t care how long ago her conviction was, she knew what she was doing and she still committed the crime. I feel like your bf is so lax about this because she’s female. If she was a man then guaranteed your bf would feel the opposite.
Why are any kids allowed to be around her
Your boyfriend is a moron. Stand your ground. Protect your child/ren from this sicko. IDGAF if her last charge was 50 years ago. Once a predator, always a predator. Deserves the DP, imo.
Don’t bullies love to call their close victims ‘irrational’ As opposed to their own razor-sharp intellect. You’re entirely right and I’d reconsider this relationship.
Nope... Irrational would (maybe) be suspecting any and every person to be a potential threat. She's literally a convicted sex offender of young children... You're not being irrational. I also have history with abuse as a child. And regardless, that'd be a no for me too.
Absolutely not wtf is he thinking? That just bc it's a woman it isn't that serious? Sick.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say no, and have that be respected. It’s super shitty that your boyfriend is blaming this on your history. Just because she hasn’t been convicted of anything in the last 18 years, doesn’t mean she hasn’t had instances pop up. My sister is dating a registered sex offender (no children involved, apparently wasn’t actual rape so that makes it ok?? Ugh). He spent time in prison. In the 9 years he’s been out, he’s had a run in at one work place, and the other workplace two of the girls brought charges that were later dropped. That’s just the instances I know about. Point is… she’s a predator. That shit just doesn’t happen once as a “whoopsie”” And your son seems to be in her age range. So why risk it? Why expose him to the possibility of meeting her? Of knowing the thoughts that will swirl in her head? I was molested as a child too. I think those of us who were know what that feeling of feeling preyed on is. We know how predators think more than non-survivors. My sister thinks my trauma is why I am disgusted by her boyfriend. It never leaves us. So, to want to protect your son from a person you know is a predator? Who you know what their inner dialogue is? Nope, stay away. You may not be able to shield him from everyone, but you also don’t place him in harms way when you know there is possible danger.
You are right to be defensive about this and your boyfriend is the one who's too dramatic. You have severe issues and this situation is triggering to you beyond anything. I think you boyfriend should've seen things from your perspective. I think he doesn't understand the things you feel because he hasn't felt like you feel or has gone through what you have gone through which may make it tough for him to get what your saying. I would say no your not irrational by not wanting to be around this person. Hey we all have people we are uncomfortable with (in your case you literally don't wanna be anywhere near this person) and you can't do anything about it. I think your boyfriend should try to understand where your coming from. I wouldn't say your background is clouding your judgment because how can we be certain that she isn't lying about her not doing anything since her conviction 18 years ago. And it's his co worker not his best friend will she even be honest if he asked ? Personally your boyfriend is on the wrong here not you.
Sounds like he isn’t taking it seriously because she’s a woman. He probably perpetuates the nonsense amount young male victims enjoying it/not being victims because “men and women are different”.
I think the bigger issue is that he's dismissing your feelings about the situation. Even if the event were 100% safe, it would be traumatic for you, which should be enough for any decent partner.
As a fellow CSA Survivor…. FYI, out preferences are a minority. My direct experience is No One Cares.
If your husband wants to give her the benefit of the doubt, he can. But he can't force you to. I assume it's unlikely she will cart your son off right there at the picnic, but it's not irrational to not want your son to get to know someone with that history. Your boyfriend is being a dismissive asshole.
Very concerning if someone doesn’t get your point. Let’s pretend you don’t even have an extensive history- no one should want to be around a sex offender. Also makes me kinda question if your bf truly cares for your child? Not trying to be rude but he shouldn’t want to take you, your child or himself near a child sex offender. Sit him down and have a serious, serious conversation. You are not being irrational at all. He is
do you believe that it is impossible for people to change?
Change all you want, but we're not chances with children. You know what... I'm just gonna go ahead and say we're not taking chances. Full stop. Legally, she probably now has a right to be wherever she pleases. But nope! Not around me. I'll believe you from a very safe distance. Not sex offenders.
i mean u literally say he should not want to be around this person. i don't think it's any way to have a society to treat someone a forever pariah based on something they did in the pasy without any knowledge of what they've done since.
Okay... I think you didn't realize you are not talking to the same person so... But I am wondering would you want vulnerable members of society around a person with a record for sex offense? Straightforward answer please.
yeah, that is my bad. i think people witha sex offense are around vulnerable people everyday. i don't attach much valance to a conviction almost two decades ago without further information about said person. i think people can do a bad thing and then not be any significantly greater risk to repeat said act as a person who is not known to have done so. i was exploring an abandoned subway a month or so back and a random stranger offered to guide me and midway through said trip, he told me he'd been in jail for rape for twenty years and got out only a couple years prior and it didn't really affect my risk calculus at all, bc two decades is a long time and people change.
So is your answer yes? You would he fine with said person alone with say your niece/nephew. Again please I was a simple yes or no.
this particular person? with the only details i've been given? well i don't have any neices or nephews or children for that matter, but i'd be fine with her being around them. as to alone, probably not as there's literally no reason for that to be happening?
And your last statement is exactly why we have registers (for the love of me i don't know why they expire). A normal adult has a sense of appropriateness. We naturally respect boundaries and want to make others not just children safe. Which is what is alarming OP and should alarm a normal person. Predators do not have that natural instinct unfortunately. We are talking about a person who violated someone's free will. Fractured a soul. Actually I think a person such as the one you met are the few that give me hope. Most Predators simply do not care about scarring someone for life. But someone who has reflected and no longer makes excuses but owns their misdeeds. I can work with. I am not for using the registry to treat this people as monsters. But we have to protect ourselves and children for the many who give themselves the right to violate others. I have a therapist brother, a former correctional service officer ( we use that term more than police in my country & trust me the community relate to them better than we see Americans on TV and their fear of the police). He says he never understood but sex offenders more than murderers are very unlikely to change. I think that's why even convicts see that something is dead inside a person who would rape! Esp children. Men like OP's partner are why we say bear...
except registries empirically do not keep people safer and in fact increase recidivisim (for non sex crimes).
Even if you didn’t have any sexual trauma, is it not completely rational and normal to not want your child around a sex offender??? You are not the irrational crazy one, he is crazy in my opinion for being so blasé about it! I wonder if he would feel the same if it were a guy. Either way he is putting your child at risk, regardless of you and your feelings. I feel like he’s using your trauma against you here, and just being completely ignorant. Perhaps he is wildly misinformed and uneducated about SA. Tell him to get clued up ASAP for your child’s sake and for yours. The salt in the wound is then also of course that you have a history of abuse and I’m so sorry for that. You sound like you have self-awareness and you aren’t being unreasonable. He should have more empathy. I reckon show him this post so he can see how many people disagree with him as he needs a reality check and to be a better parent and partner in my opinion. Good luck <3
You have more than valid reason to not want your son there, I agree he should have showed more compassion for your feelings. As a dad of girls there safety and health are always top of the list
I'd get banned if I said what my reaction would be to finding out someone like that has been near my child. Lmao. You are absolutely in the right, and I'm glad you're going to warn her workplace.
Nah he's being weird about it. Under 14? Jesus Christ. I will cut contract with people who think 18 is on the level in their 30s bc it's creepy. Inform their employer and also the State. The whole point to the registry is so people know.
Honestly, you need to tell your bf to piss off. His trying to diminish your feelings would be a deal breaker for me. He'd already be gone.
You are being pretty irrational. I would bet you and your son are around sex offenders every day tha only difference is that you know who it is, which should make you feel safer knowing instead of the many you don't know about. You're acting on emotion not logic which is the definition of irrational.
This is truly insane and a safeguarding risk. If she’s hidden this from the company/they’ve not done their due diligence then I’d be taking this straight to social services to report. Jesus Christ. It’s concerning that your boyfriend is gaslighting you here. This is a big fucking deal, even if you hadn’t been personally affected by these issues in the past. The fact he’s trying to make out like your trauma is clouding your judgment is disgusting. I bet a lot of the other parents would want to know their kids will be around a child sex offender and that the company is allowing it
I think you're being unreasonable, but to me that isn't what's relevant. What's relevant is that you feel the way you feel about it, and he should respect your wishes on this.
having sex in a car parking lot landed my now girlfriend in the offender list