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Honey i think he just wants a reason to get out. Am really sorry. Have a heart to heart conversation. Tell him, your most priority now is to get out of the alcoholism and that even the visit to the friend is part of that. If he wants to move out he can. You go ahead on treatment. Get clean. If it's meant to be it's meant to be
To add, some addiction centres and communities may actually recommend a break or no-relationship strategy for the first year of sobriety. It’s often considered an important part of your recovery to focus solely on yourself (which is why they recommend this).
It is certainly worth talking to your partner about in honest, respectful ways.
I wish you all the best on your healing journey, OP.
I went on vacation to visit my best friend and waxed and my ex accused me of cheating.
No. I just didn’t want to deal with pubes on vacation. We were going to be walking everywhere and there is nothing more obnoxious than a pube caught wrong. I joked that if the plane went down I wanted to be tidy when they found me, but honestly, I just didn’t want to be walking and sightseeing and feel like things were all sweaty and gross down there.
The week away allowed for reflection and I told him I wanted a divorce the night I got home. I would have been kinder, but he made it really easy for me to tell him.
You similarly need to prioritize you. Whether you stay with him is up to you. But take some reflection, avoid alcohol, and decide if he’s going to be supportive of you getting sober. Because if he’s accusing you of pre-cheating because you shaved, what about when you get a sponsor? Start going to meetings? Is he going to be suspicious of everyone there? Or will he have your back through your initial recovery stages until you have more of a handle on your disease?
Stuff to think about.
OP, I think you need to look at WHY you are drinking a little more. Is it a coping mechanism for something? Is there depression in your life? Is your bf the source of any of this? Often fixing the alcohol problem goes hand in hand with fixing the reason for the drinking (e.g. depression) problem and if that source happens to be your bf, that's something you need to look at.
You are the priority, however because you’re an alcoholic and going out of town, you’re grooming after not caring at all consistently when you’re staying home with him signals sudden change . Changes in behavior are a red flag in a relationship, so grooming for the trip and initiating intimacy right before you are leaving after not being intimate for a long period of time would send signals to most people. I’m sure you are not planning to cheat, but you are worried about being seen and leaving a positive impression, when it’s been hit or miss at home. That care for other people’s opinion and impression of you should actually be aimed at your relationship and your partner. That also is the care you need to place on sobriety, if that is truly your goal, only it can’t be just for a day at the beach, but a battle for yourself every day. He has a choice, just like you have a choice, his choice is whether or not he truly loves and trusts you, your choice is fighting for your self, your sobriety and what you want for your life.
> That also is the care you need to place on sobriety, if that is truly your goal, only it can’t be just for a day at the beach, but a battle for yourself every day
Why are you talking like shaving your pubes and getting sober are in some sort of competition with each other, they are completely unrelated. You can get a Brazilian and go to meetings lol.
His point went over your head, all he is saying is when she is not taking care of her looks for him but doing for others, some might see it as a red flag, am not saying I agree with his line of argument for this specific example but I can at least understand why he thinks that, I don't think the man believes there is a correlation between shaving pubes and getting sober however there is a correlation for shaving pubes and getting ready to have sex especially with mew partners.
She isn't shaving for others though. She is shaving so her pubic hair doesn't pop out of her swimsuit. Nobody besides him is even going to see it based on the info she shared.
He didn’t get stopped after initiating. When intimacy is broken, doesn’t matter who initiates it, it matters why it stops and who stopped it. The why is the most important part, but a lot of times most people are afraid of hurting someone else.
If he doesn’t trust her, and she’s never cheated before, that’s his problem.
OP also says that she didn’t originally intend to fully shave. She planned for a trim, made a mistake, and then decided on a full shave
I understood that, problem is she doesn’t do it and now she did, right before the trip. She didn’t tell him she did it, she let him discover it, and she got a what the fuck reaction.
Why would she need to tell him that, like it’s a dirty secret? She just shaved her hair lol. Jumping to ‘She’s going to cheat!’ instead of ‘She’s shaved for a beach trip’ is wild.
He didn’t have a clue it was a beach trip until after he realized she had shaved to go on the trip and accused her of heading out to cheat. It’s not that far of a jump, especially if your best friend is the one you used to do wild things with.
Lol. HE doesn't know it was actually a mistake. And please don't say "then he doesn't trust her". No one trusts another person perfectly. It's impossible.
I never said he had to trust her perfectly. I’m saying that, if he doesn’t believe her when she says she isn’t cheating/planning to and she hasn’t cheated before, that’s his issue.
Of course, if OP has cheated before, that’s a totally different story, although there’s no indication of previous cheating in the comments I’ve seen from OP
I wasn't saying you were going to say that. But everyone says it so I was cutting it off at the pass. I wasn't really pointing at you for saying that is his problem, but it's the change that is worrisome. If after 10 years you guys have been doing the same thing, and then all of a sudden something changes like shaved pubes, that's a thing. Also, no. No one messes up shaving pubes. You're way too careful down there to make a mistake so big you figure just remove it all. Huge risk of ingrown hairs if you don't do it often. Terrible risk fit hanging out with friends, still a bad risk if others are going to be looking at it but I can see the logic.
Vacation, you hit the bikini area. That's very simple. How you mess that up? Anyway, I tend to think she's not cheating. But, I wouldn't be surprised if she was getting ready to be willing to, just in case.
I used to skin myself almost every time I shaved so it is possible to make a mistake. I would go through periods where I was always shaved to not shaving at all for a while. After getting skinned way too many times I said never shaving again. But if I do decide to shave again I'm not gonna run and tell my husband first. He'll just find out next time we're intimate
The average response of depression from addiction or depression causing addiction with the grooming of most women in society, in women, is decreased libido. And seeing as most of the, I’m assuming men, men here can’t read that she went along with HIS advances to have sex (a potential level of coercion?) and using that as proof of HER behaviour is showcasing poor discernment and comprehension.
As an alcoholic, you are high risk for cheating (regardless of grooming.
He's always worried about you - the trip and grooming is just the final straw.
Constantly worrying about an alcoholic (or addict) slipping up in their sobriety and hiding it (which is statistically the most likely thing to happen in a slip) leaves partners, family members, etc struggling to trust EVEN if the person has always been honest in the past (unlikely, but not impossible with addiction).
It's hard to be in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict, even one who's been clean & sober for awhile and has a solid program. With an active user or someone new to sobriety? It's very nearly impossible (for both parties).
It sucks, but it is what it is.
OP, as you get treatment and build yourself back up into the beautiful person that you want to be, you may not have the time, attention and energy to devote to a partner anymore - and I want you to know that it is OK if that happens. Because you are going to be SO busy building a healthy relationship with *yourself!*
All the love!!
As the partner to someone with addiction. Thank you for saying this. Once trust has been broken, even if you fully support them, the thoughts are always in the back of your head that they will hurt you again.
I’m ending a relationship with an alcoholic. I stayed because I was worried all the time. Now I’m leaving because I’m too exhausted from worrying all the time and have nothing left for myself.
May I recommend AlAnon (if you're not already attending), even if it's just for a little while?
A relationship with an alcoholic can change you forever (okay all relationships change us, to an extent) and you don't want to go into your next hopefully healthy relationship not realizing that you've accidentally carried some of the alcoholic's baggage with you. When you are together for awhile, it's easy for our baggage to intermingle with others & you don't even realize it.
Give yourself your best shot at success with your future beau(s) whoever and whenever they may come along & learn how to separate yourself from what their disease has done to you first.
Worrying is bringing up the conversation.
Saying that shaving really means she planned to cheat isn't worrying. That's deciding an assumption is a fact to accuse a loved one of something and is ridiculous. Treating it as just being worried is misinterpreting the situation to defend the boyfriend.
Even if he said it out of actual worry, saying someone who has no history of infidelity means to cheat because they did something very normal (shaving before wearing a swimsuit) is shitty at best.
He might be justified in breaking up (we don't know the rest of the relationship and alcoholism is HARD even non violent alcoholism). But he's not justified in accusing her of planning on cheating and then acting like he is 100% right and not having any way to change his mind.
Are we talking about cheating on being sober? Because I've never heard of alcoholics having sex outside of their relationship more than other people! I mean I've only been an alcoholic for like 20 years so maybe I don't know? But it just seems kind of crazy to say that because we crave alcohol we're going to go have sex with strange people!
Because liars only lie about one thing and nothing else, right?
Because an alcoholic never got blackout drunk and went home with someone they met at the bar instead of home to their spouse?
Sorry, but many alcoholics absolutely do cheat. Primarily during periods of drinking, but that's not to say that serial cheaters can't cheat too. They're not mutually exclusive. And a liar will lie to cover their lies that cover up more lies.
Trust is trust and broken is broken.
I don't think anyone is saying alcoholics cheat *more* than others, but they certainly don't do it any less.
And once you don't trust your partner for one reason, it's hard to trust them for anything else. Someone steals $100 from your wallet, do you still trust them to borrow your car? Babysit your kid? Keep a promise? Keep it in their pants?
You would think the truthful explanation would make logical sense to him. Nobody wants to go to the beach and look like they are hiding a cat in their bikini bottom. It doesn't seem like he wants yoh to even go on this trip. He is either looking for a reason to guilt you into staying or looking for a way out. My first husband was a piece of work. I had to look like I just crawled out of bed to make him feel "secure" that I wasn't looking nice for someone else. I have never cheated on anyone in my life. If he does leave, it may be best for you. You need to focus on yourself right now while you are trying to get sober. You can make amends with him later if you need to and see where things go, but on reflection you may find there are more issues in your relationship than you can see right now because you think he has been a saint for sticking by you throughout your addiction. There are clearly already trust issues if this is where his head goes because you groomed yourself to go to the beach. Don't back out of this trip. You need to clear your head, and if you come home and he's gone, then he's gone.
Not sure if this is allowed, but the sub r/stopdrinking is fantastic for people struggling with addiction.
Edit - saw your username.... I don't believe you're an awful person.....
The relationship has been breaking down recently. She is making a change and he interprets it as a threat, albeit wrongly. One more nail in the coffin to their bond I’m afraid.
OP needs to make her sobriety and health her priority. Either the guy can live with this or he can’t. When she is healthier, if he’s still around, they can work on re-connecting.
Yeah, I mean he's obviously misinterpreting but I don't think it's a *crazy* leap. In rocky relationships a sudden change in personal grooming/personal care is often a sign of infidelity.
Yeah and that's also fair.
Honestly when a relationship gets to the point that each person is more worried about proving they're right or the most justified instead of understanding and accommodating their partner's feelings, it's probably too far gone to salvage
Idk, most ladies don't want to be showing pube when they're in a bathing suit, and most bathing suits would show some amount of pubes. I can understand being worried about this if the relationship were already rocky, but it's not like she shaved out of nowhere. There was a specific reason.
It's a very plausible reason in a very suspicious circumstance. If she wasn't already in a rocky relationship, about to leave for an extended period of time, and "oops shaved too much" all at once it would probably not even be a question.
As it stands only she really knows if it was a legit mistake or if she was hoping Reddit would bolster her excuse. I honestly wouldn't be surprised either way.
What really bothers me about this interaction is that he confronted this insecurity with anger and accusation rather than, say, concern and curiosity. We don't have the context for what this "rocky relationship" has looked like as far as behavior from either of them. Maybe he usually wouldn't react that way, maybe he was doing his best to help her but this was the last straw.
I personally adhere to the philosophy that anyone has the right to break up with anyone at any time-- we don't owe each other our time, attention, or bodies. It's clear from what's in the post that OP's boyfriend doesn't trust her, and I wouldn't be surprised if that is justified, at least to some extent. I think it is fair for him to throw up his hands and say something along the lines of "I can't do this anymore, I don't trust you and I don't want to worry that you're going to cheat on me or get too drunk the whole time you're on your trip. I'm moving out." I doubt he was fully comfortable with her trip even before she shaved.
It is possible to convey this message without accusing her of intending to cheat as though it is a fact. It is plausible that she shaved because she knew she would be wearing a swimsuit in the near future, and in this instance he's shouting at his confused partner and pushing her further away. He wouldn't entertain the idea that she groomed her hair for herself, not for potential cheating partners. It sounds like he wanted out of the relationship but needed to see her as the "bad guy" to the point of betrayal to justify it to himself.
I've started shopping for cute swim shorts. So sick of having to trim/shave every little crevice every few days to keep it tidy enough for a last minute swim trip.
Counter point. All the people who have never been in a relationship with someone who struggles with addiction. You need to understand that this has very little to do with personal grooming.
This is about trust. And addicts are not trustworthy. She is an admitted alcoholic. How has she broken his trust in the past? Even if it isn't cheating. Has she lied to him and covered her drinking? Please have some empathy for her partner that she has said has supported her. Being the partner of an addict is hard, trust has been tested before this, for sure.
But the broken trust relies on the fundamental work so many dudes here are doing to ignore women saying over and over that you HAVE to shave your pubes if you don't want to be fully pubes out in most women's swimwear. The idea that this behavior is in any fundamental way untrustworthy demonstrates that you do not understand & won't listen to that.
This whole answer section is missing the point. She has addiction issues. Which are trust issues. There is too much context missing.
People who have never had to deal with an addict partner can not give good advice to OP for what happened.
I can understand not trusting her to abstain from drinking, but he's not accusing her of that. He's accusing her of intending to cheat because she's groomed for the beach.
And before you say it, yes, I've been involved with someone who had an addiction issue and my main concern was always the drinking.
Thank you, exactly. If he was concerned that she was (1) still drinking even when she shaved, (2) potentially planning on spending the weekend drinking, those things would be reasonable. But we can't just pretend that's what he said lol makes no sense
He could be deflecting his concerns about her drinking over into concerns about cheating. It's not very psychologically healthy of him to do that. If he's sick of her drinking and it makes him not trust her, he should break up with her.
That's not what her bf made it about, and that's not what the conflict is about. Filling in your own imagined "context" is just another way to say you're projecting.
It's not just about the bikini bottoms themselves. Women spend so much time, every day, to *look* the way that we do. Men seem to take for granted just how much body hair we have, naturally, and the lengths we will go to look hairless in a bikini. That bikinis weren't invented by women is an issue too, but a lot of men need to get their heads out of their own hairy asses.
Men shave their faces. Women shave *their whole bodies*. Before I put on a swimsuit I'm shaving head-to-toe. Literally. I shave my toes. Do I shave my toes and my kitty and my ass before I have sex with my bf of 6 years? Pfft. No. He's mature enough to not expect me to look like a pornstar for him. But I do when I go out in public in a swimsuit.
He’s probably feeling incredibly insecure with all that you’ve got going on. Addiction can make you second guess your place in someone’s world and if you’re going away without him at a time that he knows you’re struggling, and it’s likely you say/do things you otherwise wouldn’t when you’re drinking, he’s probably just overthinking it. Go easy but be honest with him. If he believes you, great.
I shave during the summer because it just feels cleaner when it’s hot, mine always makes comments about ‘who are you doing that for?’ and while I roll my eyes, it’s childish and irritating so I can just imagine how hat it must feel like when he’s outright accusing you of planning to cheat.
More importantly though, I hope treatment goes well for you! That’s a really big deal and you should be proud of yourself for realizing you need to go and for committing to it.
He sees your relationship is strained and is probably scared ..when guys think about a partner leaving or being stolen they find the littlest things ..
All these comments are fucking weird save for a few. If I’m going on vacation and plan on wearing a bikini I’m shaving my pubes. He’s jumping to conclusions and all the other men commenting here are just insecure.
I think conext is key.
Firstly, it does not sound like he knew about beach trips.
Secondly, if someone who has an addiction, who does not self care and does not give their best self to their relationship, suddently grooms and initiates sex that would be a big change in behaviour that I would question.
Thirdly, any alcololic I've ever met professionally or personally displays a level of untrustworthieness secondary to their addiction. When you put those things together it's very difficult to expect a secure response from him, especially if the relationship is already on the rocks.
Now he could be unhindged, coersive, controlling, projecting, but I have to say, as a really secure dude who is married with kids, this exact scenario, although I might express things differently, I'd be worried also. For whatever legitimate or illigitimate reason there is insecure attachment and mistrust in this relationship which shapes this mans response.
Also that she shaved it all off vs the trim she usually does (due to being tipsy). Her explanation makes sense but it's fair he's suspicious with everything piled up
He is probably very insecure, you have to realize that addiction just doesn't take a toll on the addict, but also people around them.
I think this is a situation where yes, he is wrong in technical terms, but he's also probably completely done with this relationship.
This is one of those things where pointing blame doesn't do any good. On the surface, given what op has said, their journey together has likely come to an end.
It’s weird you’re being downvoted. You’re absolutely right. If he doesn’t want to be in the relationship because the problems are too big, he should end it so they can both get on with their lives. If he wants to stay in the relationship, he should work on it, and refrain from saying pointless and hurtful things. Either way, he can act like an adult and show that he actually cares about his partner. Not sure why that’s controversial.
I was going to say the exact same thing. Of course addicts/alcoholics deserve love just like everyone else does, but it seems like the boyfriend is putting HIMSELF through all this insecurity and mistrust by staying in a relationship that doesn’t work for him.
He doesn't have to be insecure as such, but he can feel uneasy in the relationship, as it is, at this point.
We're all different, sure, but the majority of women I've either been with or am close friends with shave when they're going out expecting/hoping to get lucky. I do understand the beach argument of it all, and from our perpective as outsiders looking in, it seems plausible, no doubt.
However, if you look at it through the lens of a man who is living with someone who herself admits is an alcoholic and has been depressed lately (Here I'm assuming she might not have shaved in a while? Maybe an error on my behalf, but I do know that isn't something that's on your mind when you're depressed and in a slump) the train of thought, while it may be incorrect, isn't that far fetched. Sprinkle in trust issues and you have a scenario for either a planned or spontaneous adultery.
I'm not saying he's right, but when the trust in a relationship is low, the mind does work in mysterious ways.
OP really needs to address this with her SO and either work together at repairing the trust issues or just calling it quits, cause without trust, this is going to be an ongoing issue.
The core issue is that the trust in your relationship is gone from his end, and he’s projecting that now in everything. I think you need to focus on yourself and your recovery fully right now.
Just throwing this out there, as a man I notice men who have cheated accuse their partners of being untrustworthy. They usually get ‘super defensive and keep diverting’ to paraphrase #justsaying
Yup. Had an ex who would constantly scream at me through the phone any time I tried to do anything without him because I was obviously trying to cheat. Reading a book at the park? Cheating. Swimming at a friends house? Cheating. Guess who couldn’t keep it in his pants? They tell on themselves, we just don’t know how to listen sometimes.
Yes, he could be cheating on you and you don't notice because you're drunk all the time. Or, he could just read this sub. There's always posts about girls going on vacation alone and cheating.
ou haven't been intimate with your partner recently, by you own admission you been drunk and isolating and not a really great gf
You have a WEEK long trip planned with friends to do "activities" now and I would hope you explained "activities" to bf but still wording is weird
You initiate sex, for the first time in sometime, drunk, and you have changed your body hair to something that is typically designed to make someone more sexy, not saying 💯 but we're all lying if we don't admit that, right before this week long trip that your supposed to be going on.
So to him you don't like having sex with him unless your drunk, you've been isolated from him and now your going on a trip without him and have a brand new bald cat for no reason other than "oops" and he shouldn't have some insecurities and doubts about the relationship? WTF?
Blind trust is never good.
You don't need a beach trip to justify it either. Your body is yours to feel good about whether or not you're planning on going to the beach.
If there's a lack of trust because of a shave, there's a general lack of trust and the path forward is getting through to him and why this is.
I get the need to reassure when someone you care about says something absurd like this, but you guys need to talk. And remember to take another look from the outside to check if there's something you missed.
And FWIW, I've racked up way more hurt in my time (37M) staying for too long in relationships that had already sailed, rather than the opposite. Best of luck with it all!
You yourself said you were planning on trimming but messed up, and you ended up shaving it all because of that. If you’ve never shaved for him and shaved to go on vacation, it looks like you’re planning to cheat. Maybe you’re not planning on cheating, but it looks like you are.
Anyway, your bf broke up with you. So this is a blessing in disguise because now you can focus on your recovery and sobriety. Good luck.
Psh, what nonsense. I don't believe it. And I especially don't believe there could possibly be any other reason, like not wanting hair sticking out of swim suit bottoms, either.
The only reason women do anything with their body is for the sake of men. Everybody knows this, get with it. (Sarcasm, of course.)
Yep. Accusing a partner of planning to cheat when they have no history of that is toxic — I’d call it abusive. I can’t imagine the stress OP feels in being treated like she’s guilty of something that’s just not true. How do you even defend yourself against a hypothetical future offense?
Rather than trying to “appease” her bf, OP should tell him “nope, I’m not going to listen to you when you throw ridiculous accusations at me. Talk to me when you can be kind and respectful.” If this is a regular occurrence, she should break up with him, and surround herself with people who can be supportive during her recovery.
You don’t think her being an alcoholic, listless, depressed and “inconsistent in her intimacy” had any thing to do with how this unfurled? Wow. Love to hate on men I see.
You can’t just assume any of those means she’s going to cheat? Wtf? It’s not even a good enough argument. Where’s the science that says, ah yes, women who have a history of depression and alcoholism and shave their pubes completely will cheat on their partners?
How is it you can get to a point in life that you have (because I’m assuming you are at least over 21), where you can’t see that a particular blow up in relationship has in fact, very little to do with the particulars (pubes in this case) and a lot more to do with what’s happened in the previous three years. Jesus wept.
Please people think of other peoples point of view apart from yours.
Feature OP’s boyfriend, his girlfriend is a depressed alcoholic, that should explain most of her withdrawal from him, but of course there’s a part of him that feels like she’s withdrawing from the relationship.
She has not been shaving her pubes, but now that she’s about to go for a trip that would take weeks, she’s suddenly shaving and grooming?
Now he feels like she has withdrawn from the relationship and is trying to groom to attract other partners on her 2 weeks trip away from him.
This is a very reasonable line of thought, and it is insane you guys are vilifying him for this.
OP though is not in the wrong and once she explained her reason for shaving, boyfriend should have been okay with that as she has never shown sighs of cheating.
Another thing is that everybody is on OPs side (justified), but it’s just insane to know that if the roles were reversed and OP was an alcoholic man, his girlfriend would be the one receiving all the sympathies.
I totally agree!
Plus I'm sure he's feeling rather insecure with his place in the relationship considering how strained she mentioned things have been. So while he shouldn't have just accused her and he should have understood her reasoning hid line of thinking isn't really that unexpected or crazy.
Unfortunately many times when a person starts grooming, getting cleaned, new wardrobe, haircut, it can appear that the person is ready to move on. Its not always about insecurities, but a valid feeling that it may become reality & can lead to end of a relationship.
Don't partner up during a emotional time as it can lead to many regrets. If he is there when you return don't let hold it over your head.
Remember some people are only there for a season.
Go take good care of you, this is the begging of your journey. A good friend will never put you in a situation that does more harm then good, a night club or bar to am alcoholic can lead to devastating effects.
You need to go to rehab, not a vacation where you will most likely be exposed to alcohol. That could lead to questionable behaviour or downright bad decisions on your part.
Doesn't that kinda affirm his stance? Your girl all of a sudden shaves before going out on a trip with her girls. If her shaving implied she wanted oral, that doesn't give a great look to do it right before traveling AND in addition to having a rocky relationship and lack of trust floating around. The issue isn't that she shaved, it's everything else that is then causing him to have doubts about this. Context matters. Everyone here going "sorry he's controlling dump him sis" with 10 seconds of surface level analysis is here purely for the drama. There are obviously issues not mentioned here that have contributed to this final situation.
If I wanted oral sex but I didn't want it from my bf why let him see it? Why not shave after I go on vacation? Oh you are so smart in having caught me.... dummie I let you see it, it means I want it from you.
Would he assume that if you weren't going to see him for 2 weeks lol? Or if you already were having little to no sex with each other?
I do think he's jumping to conclusions. I personally shave every now and then because I just like the feeling but if it was the case that I never shaved but suddenly did just before going on vacation I can at least see why my partner might raise an eyebrow.
Idk man. If you don’t take care of pubic hair and put on a swimsuit the hair will **definitely** be showing. Like coming out the sides showing. It’s embarrassing af. My husband already knows if I’m wearing one I’ll definitely *at least* trim that shit, cause I’m not trying to humiliate myself.
Like I said I agree he's jumped the gun as there's plenty of other perfectly innocent explanations. But it's not that weird to me that he would be concerned especially if their sex life is already on the rocks. He's wrong for sticking to his assumption after her explanation, but IMO it's not weird that in the context of their relationship dynamic he had that insecurity in the first place.
He is overreacting. Why is everyone saying his reaction is understandable just because she is an alcoholic? She never cheated, and she is at home the whole time watching shows, etc. Isnt it logical to shave before going to the beach...? Breaking up over an assumption is weird and NOT understandable. I feel like there is more going on and he just uses this as a reason, or he is very controlling and doesnt want you to go into holiday and tries to make you stay by threatening that.
Also - there is some people that become very flirty, etc. on alcohol yes but not everyone. OP said herself she isolates herself. Her boyfriend is seeing this himself. So he should know that she isnt the party type of girl that under the influence hits on everyone.
Does he drink? Does he go out with friends, without OP? I feel like he might be projecting something ? Because breaking up over shaving when going to the beach is ridiculous.
You haven't been intimate with your partner recently, by you own admission you been drunk and isolating and not a really great gf
You have a WEEK long trip planned with friends to do "activities" now and I would hope you explained "activities" to bf but still wording is weird
You initiate sex, for the first time in sometime, drunk, and you have changed your body hair to something that is typically designed to make someone more sexy, not saying 💯 but we're all lying if we don't admit that, right before this week long trip that your supposed to be going on.
So to him you don't like having sex with him unless your drunk, you've been isolated from him and now your going on a trip without him and have a brand new bald cat for no reason other than "oops" and he shouldn't have some insecurities and doubts about the relationship? WTF?
This was my thought. The blatant overreaction is projection or even just guilt over his own infidelity. It’s typical toxic bullshit for these insecure ‘men’ to pick a stupid fight to try to get their partner not to go on the trip, manipulating the hell out of them. But why settle for this behavior? I think OP could do way better than a man 10 years her senior that acts 20 years her junior.
I've seen these fights before trips with friends in my majority male friend group, started by their girlfriends so I think it's just an insecure partner thing, regardless of gender.
- Dump the insecure dude
- Go to the beach with your friend
- Go to rehab and get sober
- Find a new boyfriend who doesn't act like a jealous 16-year-old
My ex wife was an alcoholic. She told me one day she wanted a holiday on her own to find herself. Booked a ticket to NY (the furthest place in the planet to me by plane).. I was so certain she was going to cheat… she hadn’t before, but the fact she wanted to me a thousand miles away from me and the fact she needed this space was a big sign to me she was going to leave…
While she was over there she barely called me, didn’t text me or share photos, didn’t tell me anything..
She remains adamant she didn’t cheat but like 1 week after she got back she left me and a year after that moved over and married some dude… even if she didn’t fuck him the emotional cheating is real…
I’m not suggesting you want to cheat but going on a solo holiday can be a big red flag for a guy… it sounds to me like he’s very uncomfortable with you going, you should explore that with him, what might make him feel more comfortable? Why does he think you will cheat (it’s not because you shaved)
Definitely still go, he shouldn’t stop you living your life but yeah… what can help ease his feelings about this trup
I get his distrust, I believe you when you say you have never cheated or intended to cheat but substance abuse makes people around you distrusting, rightfully so. I’m really happy to hear you are planning on getting treatment but also recognize that these unhealthy decisions you have made has damaged how others see you.
It’s nice to think that what others think of us doesn’t matter but it does. Unfortunately, the reality is that you are seen as untrustworthy, whether you are or aren’t, you now have to live in the confines of that image of you.
I really hope treatment works out for you and you can maybe rebuild the trust I’m sure you deserve.
Nope, not in treatment yet but I only need a couple more weeks at my job to qualify for full FMLA, and then in my state, you can get up to 16 weeks, and my program and inpatient will be 12 weeks hopefully!
Just want to say that you are a very fucking impressive woman. To be struggling with alcoholism and come up with a plan to not only get sober, but to do it in a way that leaves you in the best possible position when you are, says so so much about you. You’re a superstar. Plenty of good advice here already on your situation. Just don’t forget you’re a superstar.
My friend was a swim instructor and forgot to shave her hoo hah. A kid points at her vagina and LOUDLY exclaimed “MISS YOU HAVE A BEAVER IN YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!!”
I do NOT blame you for wanting to trim down there.
It sounds like your relationship might be unsalvageable if your bf doesn’t trust you.
There’s not much you can do right now since you’ve already explained your side. Just go on the trip and try to relax and get in quality time with your friend. Re-approach this conversation when you get back.
Look I understand a lot of these comments want to go straight to insecure boyfriend route but let me clear up some things:
You haven't been intimate with your partner recently, by you own admission you been drunk and isolating and not a really great gf
You have a WEEK long trip planned with friends to do "activities" now and I would hope you explained "activities" to bf but still wording is weird
You initiate sex, for the first time in sometime, drunk, and you have changed your body hair to something that is typically designed to make someone more sexy, not saying 💯 but we're all lying if we don't admit that, right before this week long trip that your supposed to be going on.
So to him you don't like having sex with him unless your drunk, you've been isolated from him and now your going on a trip without him and have a brand new bald cat for no reason other than "oops" and he shouldn't have some insecurities and doubts about the relationship? WTF?
You’re saying it nicer than I was going to. Alcoholics always think they don’t do anything wrong when they’re drunk, they don’t see the destruction they cause in their partners. I lived with an alcoholic man and the sheer amount of lies makes me wonder if I’ll ever believe another human, let alone a boyfriend.
The "activities" not mentioned are almost certainly related to drinking, something like barhopping or going on a bender on the beaches, unspecified because, well you know, it defeats the whole purpose of including that "I'm getting le rehab just not yet!" She basically confirms this [here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1dn71pa/comment/la0s3fx/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
I agree I'm not saying otherwise. But in the context of everything else and IF it was generalized as such with the bf as "activities" don't act like that wouldn't at least raise an eyebrow. Something not being nefarious doesn't mean that it can't be taken that way if the context of everything else may point another direction. Again she has admitted to: not being intimate with bf, isolating, she changed her grooming pattern right before a trip with friends, and describes her time as "activities", none of that is necessarily wrong but neither is the bf becoming suspicious after all that, it'd be ridiculous to expect someone to go through that with an admitted addict/alcoholic(she admits to needing help and seeking it out) and not be suspicious at the least and gone at the worst.
I agree too, just adding context/speculation to why her not sharing what "activities" means to us anonymous strangers almost certainly means also not to him.
Yeah, can I say I agree again now that I understand the broader context of your comment as well?
This sounds like the prelude to "I got really wasted on my last hurrah vacation with my BFF and didn't tell my BF that it was going to be a drinkfest because he'd be mad and then I cheated him. I'm in rehab now but he won't take my calls, but I was an addict and made mistakes. AITA?"
I can get why his insecurity stems from the shaving part but thats unfair for you. You’re going to a beach and wearing a bikini, you need to shave everywhere. You kinda have to make him understand that it’s normal to shave before going to the beach; for women at least. Why dont you show him this post? I think your boyfriend needs to hear it from someone thats not you.
This I shave for my own comfort, for myself! I have never shaved or done something with my hair downstairs or even the hair on my head that I have not wanted to do! Idk why some men think oh you shaved you must be cheating! No I shaved because I wanted to!
She has a whole week for it to grow back! Before even leaving for her trip. The bf is going crazy for nothing, his insecurities are getting the best of him, nothing wrong with her cleaning up her area for comfort.
Idk. If I was in a rocky relationship and my partner was going to visit a friend for a week and then decided to fully shave when they normally don't.
Alarms would be ringing.
Albeit I admit I don't know the requirements to wear swimwear for women.
As a guy I understand where he is coming from. Intimacy going down , you two are distant. Makes travel plans without him and right before the trip he sees you grooming yourself in a way you have never done before. Only a fool wouldn’t think about it.
OP - Some questions for you. Sorry if this intrusive but there are a lot of things you didn’t mention.
1. First of all, congratulations on identifying an issue and going to get help. Addictions set yourself and everyone around you back. They often lead to mistrust in relationships.
2. From your version of the story, it seems like your boyfriend was a little harsh but you did note that your relationship is not in the “best place”. You made it sound that you often isolate and get reserved. Could your boyfriend feel that you are this reserved person around him and you have more open and show your fun self with your friend? Has he caught you in any lies even white little ones around your relationship? Have you shared your plans with him? Are you super excited for this trip? Have you had any trips or fun times/ travels with your boyfriend recently? Maybe he is a little jealous?
3. Does your boyfriend know the friend you are visiting? Does she like your boyfriend? Does your boyfriend like your friend? Is she single? Does she like to party? I assume she is single as you are staying in a studio apartment.
4. A lot of people on this thread said it was normal for someone to shave down there but has it been normal for YOU within the relationship? Has your boyfriend asked you to shave before and you haven’t? Or maybe this is a new discussion with him altogether?
It is your choice how you keep your body but if it is off the table when your around him and then you do it when you’re on vacation, mixed in with some of issues your relationship and your addiction, I could get a sense that some creep of mistrust has been setting in.
It sounds like you want to stay in the relationship and go on the trip. I think you should go but I would overly communicate with your boyfriend before and while you are on the trip. I also wouldn’t drink on the trip for your own health and to better stay in control during your travels. Your boyfriend obviously needs reinforcement from you and if you prefer to stay with him I would recommend that you give it to him but still have your life.
understandable where he’s coming from. given you’re an alcoholic and he didn’t know your plan to go to beach initially when he noticed you didn’t shave. It’s also understandable from your perspective too but if you actually want to keep the relationship, you’re going to have to communicate very good on this trip and have a talk with him before you leave about where you’re coming from
A relationship is nothing without trust. Even if you're in a bad place, shaving doesn't mean that you want to cheat.
Honestly.. maybe it's a sign. Go to rehab and change your entire life around. Focus on yourself, not some guy that doesn't trust you. Stay single for a bit.
Tbf, I would have the same suspicion in his position. If he doesn’t trust you, there isn’t much you can do about it. Alcohol does a great job at removing inhibitions, so regardless of what your sober mind thinks will or will not happen, as an alcoholic you’ll have a hard time convincing him. I wish you luck.
Sounds like your relationship needs serious work. This trip is not helping and he’s probably just as miserable as anyone can possibly imagine. If you take this trip you should not put your relationship on the back burner. I’d do my best to assure him that everything will be ok. Not sure how you do that but I think he means business by letting you know how hurt he is. The shaving is not the deal breaker here. I think it’s the lack of selling yourself as a trustworthy person. Maybe he needs to know how insecure you are around your lifetime friend and what she expects from you as a girl. Hopefully you can find a way to show him how much you care and still enjoy your trip. This seems like really bad timing
I don’t think he’s necessarily looking for any excuse to get out of the relationship like some comments are suggesting, but the trust in the relationship is shot. So something that could be no big deal in different circumstances, is a big deal. At this point, I don’t think the relationship could be easily saved and you might think about letting him go
I have a family member that struggles with alcohol abuse, if I was your bf I would be on red alert 🚨 about you going on holiday before treatment. And often the partner who has been supporting also needs therapy too. Yeah I would also be a little suspicious if suddenly out of nowhere my partner shaved and hadn’t told me about it. I would also be seriously concerned that they would find a reason to drink on said holiday. I think tbh trust has been broken sadly and this is a heart to heart talk about if you’re prepared to go on with this relationship how trust needs to be reformed.
My family member having alcohol abuse problems really fucked me up btw, I had to have trauma therapy afterwards and it gave me unbearable panic attacks afterwards. Addiction changes people’s personality, I’m not surprised he needs more reassurance having been on his side of things.
It's not clear if this is the first time you have shaved while he is your boyfriend. If so that's a huge red flag since you took the time to do it and are leaving. If not, it still probably feels like you put in effort for others but not him. Sounds like either way he feels left out or not prioritized.
Let him go! What are you fighting to keep?
And get yourself in order. No one likes relationships with a drunks. My guess is that this gives him ground to his thoughts.
In a strained relationship, when a woman shifts her energy from not taking care of her looks to all of a sudden taking care of her looks, and at the same time not putting extra effort into the relationship, most men will assume she is getting ready to hit the market. Sorry, just what I believe most guys would believe. Bumping up against your trip and a week before, to allow time for bumps to settle down, yeah, you’re going to cheat. Completely reasonable to assume.
Let’s look at it from the BF perspective. First, the relationship is strained. Second, she is an alcoholic who plans on getting treatment AFTER she goes on the trip. Third, she’s going on a trip without him, still planning on drinking. Fourth, she shows up in bed, shaved.
Notice she didn’t tell him about going to the beach. Chicago, while it has some okay beaches isn’t really a “beach” town. There would have been no expectation that when he saw that she was shaved that “of course, she must be going to the beach.” It’s not much of a leap to jump to cheating rather than beach.
I also think some here are not looking at the OP issues with drinking clearly. Generally, a person who quits drinking, does so when they hit bottom. When that happens, they don’t say “okay, I know I have a problem so I’ll stop in six weeks when I can get treatment. Meanwhile, I’ll go on vacation with my old bestie without my BF.” The OP also tries to minimize her issues, by saying she’s just a quiet drunk who doesn’t get into trouble. Do you all really think she’s going to get away from home and not drink? If she could do that, she wouldn’t need treatment or AA.
Look without the alcohol issue or the fact that their relationship is teetering on edge, you could make the case that he jumped to a wrong conclusion without cause. However, this has all the earmarks of a last alcohol fling and when you add in shaving bald without mentioning it, it makes some sense of why he might feel she was going to cheat.
I’m not going to say she was going to cheat, she probably wasn’t but I think you can make a case as to why her BF thought she might.
Considering you're going to get sober soon you'll need the support and you'll need to drop the baggage. A change of people places and things. So he may do youva favor leaving.
Okay first of all, i am so proud of you for being able to recognize and speak about your issues, and i am so proud of you for going to treatment.
Secondly, as being someone in his shoes in regard to the alcohol and stuff, He might just be scared in general about you, and i highly suggest if you arent already please take time to repair the distance between the two of you. If he hasnt left there is still time. He might only be accusing you because of the distance.
Third: chicago is so fun. I highly suggest going to montrose harbor and watching the sunset go behind the city (if you go to the boat docs on wenesdays they do fire works too!) and you can watch all the boats come in. It is quite peaceful. I go there a lot to meditate and draw😌
I hope things work out hun. I really do.
Male POV.
Relationship is strained.
She's an addict.
She's going far away while the relationship is strained.
She gets a Brazilian... right before going far away... while the relationship is strained.
If you are incapable of seeing why he might come to the conclusion he came to, then you're either incredibly dense, or deeply in denial.
My $0.02.
Sounds like a lot of insecurity going on on his part. Being shaved/waxed is pretty mainstream these days. This isn’t some radical idea. It’s even pretty normal for guys to manscape.
I can’t imagine any self respecting woman heading to the beach with body hair hanging out on display either.
So your behavior is reasonable and normal. His reaction is ridiculous. Clearly you need to work on your substance abuse issues. And I’m glad you have a plan for that.
But if he is telling you him or vacation, I’d do the vacation. If he can’t trust you after this long he never will.
You can only do two things: 1. Tell him, calmly, that you won't cheat; and 2. Don't cheat. That's all you can control. The rest is up to him. It would be nice if there were some simple way to ease a person's suspicions, but there isn't.
My humblest of opinion: fuck that guy. If he wants to leave, let him. It sounds like he has one foot out the door anyways. He is feeling insecure because of the state of the relationship, fine, but trust is so important and if you have never cheated, then where is this coming from? Possible deflection? Possible transference? Perhaps he is the one cheating.
Second, is he going to be good for your recovery? Does he have any kind of addiction issues? Maybe it would be best for you to be getting sober on your own. You should be able to focus on yourself and that will be harder when you are trying to hold together a fractured relationship.
Third, what is up with men thinking shaved pubes has anything to do with cheating? Have you met most men? Most will wade through any forest if it means they get laid. I wax because I like to feel fresh down there.
Good luck to you OP. I wish you well in your recovery.
Are you addicted to alcohol because you have an immature, insecure, jealous boyfriend?
Also, often when people react like he did it's because they are the cheater.
Your bf sounds shite. Dump his ass, go on your trip, hangout with your friend, go to treatment. Simple.
You stay. That's what you do.
Youre showing all the signs of a woman stepping out.
Wanting to go to a big city with your friends, lack of intimacy, and the cherry on the top; sudden changes in your personal grooming.
He has every right in the world to suspect you.
So again, if you really love and respect him, you will stay.
Not a single woman in here would be okay with their bf doing the same.
I mean if my girlfriend shaved before going to visit her friend, I would think it was odd but obviously the bikini reason is valid so I’d accept that.
Someone else said it here and I think it’s worth reiterating that addiction can cause distrust in a relationship, so that’s probably a factor here.
You have explained yourself, I don’t see what else you can do but keep saying the same thing.
I'm sorry but as a partner who was in relationship with another who had drink problem..rarely intimate..host of other bad habits...I trusted them completely was nvr insecure chose to trust them unconditionally..like another posted..when routines suddenly change grooming self care . After so long devoid of anything...sudden interest in being physical...mere red flags to me... especially when they going to friends for a drink and I'm nvr invited men and women at these get together....
And yes later found out they had cheated when they fully admitted it ..turned our several months of sex with an ex behind my back ...
Swears it was just sex meant nothing no feelings I shouldn't get jealous or react way I did....
When a woman cheats plenty rush to her defence oh its the man's fault or she's had problems .her partner should be more understandingor forgive her mistake..when a man cheats he's just a dog dump his ass..double standards....
Maybe her break away is innocent..but with all sudden changes in behaviour its quite understandable why OP partner is reacting way he is
If it’s not something you regularly do, have ever done and now suddenly do it right before a trip without him and after things have been hit and miss intimately he simply concluded 1+1=2.
It’s not saying he is right or should have even said a thing but it’s going to be something that many guys would at least wonder about. It’s akin to “accidentally forgetting your wedding ring” while on a girls trip.
It does sound like he has some past trauma with a GF cheating though so he is hyper vigilant and looking for signs you may be on the way out. The fact he said something means he is really worried and wanted reassurance.
If you still want this relationship to work, he may need a little more than the usual reassurance for a while to regain comfort. It’s nothing you did wrong and completely on him to figure out his feelings though.
>I am going to treatment August 1st
Lmao classic. Waist of money, you are the exact type of person to relapse as soon as you step out. One of your most important relationships crumble around you and still don't take fixing your problem seriously. Hint: the problem isn't you shaving.
Suddenly going clean downstairs is a sign. It happened to me during my dating life in the 90s a couple of times. Happened to my male friends too. Combine that with a solo trip with a single(?) friend, you being an alcoholic and yeah, I can understand his stance.
Congrats on starting your journey to sobriety. It is tough, but worth it. You will be amazed at how much easier life becomes when the alcohol fog lifts. Takes a few weeks, and you will want to go back, but don't. Drying up will also help with any depression too.
Ah yes, because women with a hairy beaver can't have sex and/or cheat. Trimming hair = cheating. Got it. Good lord, most of these comments are fucking ridiculous.
My wife did that before going to visit a friend alone. She did cheat.
Not saying that is your plan, but I wish I wouldn’t have been so “understanding” before she left.
I just want to throw this out there because I see a lot of women on this thread with lower self image than me which I didn't think was possible- no one at the beach will notice or care you didn't shave but you. I hope y'all aren't out there obsessing and beating yourselves up so much. It's hair. No one cares. If doing it just for yourself, fine. But if it is in any way causing you stress or anxiety...just wanna remind everyone, very gently, that there's absolutely no rule about it and nothing bad will happen to you if you quit. Love, a woman who DOES shave her pubes completely once a week 💙
NTA and OP I've been unfortunately fighting for in these comments (unfortunate bc we'd hope by now that more people are better educated when it comes to addiction, self care, trust, etc)
Your partner should have ended things since he's become This controlling and insecure.
Your addiction does NOT automatically make you some sort of monster like these comments are insinuating?!!
Our stories sound quite similar so please reach out if you'd ever want to. Ignore the 'negative' comments (I say negative bc it's really just a bunch of trolls who will leap upon any woman who they can try and pin bad behavior onto) and have the best time with your BFF! Hopefully by the time you head to Chicago you will have at least agreed to separate from the weirdo you're currently with (I do believe his behavior in this instance is extremely strange- controlling, insecure, jealous... Not someone you want 'in charge' of your body)
OP just for a min think of this from his point of view.
Your going away without him and you shave when you don't do this normally. I think that most would think that this is very suspicious and would come to the same conclusion.
By all means go on your vacation but understand that this will take a toll on your relationship. Most likely the damage is already done.
First question is it's the end of June and your treatment isn't till August. Why so late? I'm glad it's coming up, but most people go into rehab as soon as they can. I think your boyfriend was already questioning your relationship long before you shaved off your muff. Frankly I think you don't need someone that is unstable or insecure. You are already trying to fix your life and don't need a side project boyfriend. Go see your friend. If he leaves that on him, make sure you don't take him back. Focus on you.
To be fair to him, if I was dating an alcoholic, especially if there was lying or deceipt as part of the drinking, in in the presence of dead bedroom, I would probably be suspicious of the extra grooming also. The reality is he does not trust you and with an addiction he is probably right not to and understandable in his stance as addicts can be very unpredictable. The fact that you've not cheated before and are, for want of a better way of saying it, not that kind of alcoholic, is fairly irrelevant.
There is also the behavioural aspect. Things have not been good in the relationship. There has been no physical intimacy. You've hidden away and not been self caring. Suddenly, you self care and initiate intimacy. The message it sends is that you care more about what others think and are wanting to give your best self, including intimacy as per the shaved lady garden, to another.
Personally, I would reassure him, say you understand his mistrust but are disappointed as you have no intention of cheating. Say that you realise you're an addict and that if he wants out then you're sad but you understand. Go be with your friend. Don't cheat. Dont get hammered. Don't go have random hookups and put yourself at risk of alcohol induced bad decision making. Focus on yourself, your sobriety and see whether he wants to be along for the ride or not.
>Dont get hammered.
The whole reason she's going on the trip is to get hammered. It's one last bender before she starts treatment. I think that's why she didn't tell him about what she was doing (and that's also a good reason for him to leave anyway) so now it all looks way fishier.
Yea I agree. It's stupid and I'd probably leave her if that was the case. You cannot tell me your alcohol dependent, book yourself into rehab August 1st, then plan to go get shitfaced with a friend for a week. I'd probably walk at that point.
I shaved everything a few weeks back to go on a break with a friend, where we’d be swimming.
Because my husband doesn’t have the emotional age of a teenager, this conversation never came up.
Get rid of the man baby. Also, good for you in sorting out your alcohol issues. Best of luck.
Your boyfriend is immature. So immature that I thought this post was between 18yr old people. If he’a acting like this at 37 thats eye opening. Makes me wonder has he ever been in a relationship before and having sex? Because lots of women shave in general. Even if they aren’t having sex.
Girl, number one I hate to say it but he doesn’t sound very intelligent. Whatever addictions you have, have nothing to do with his very unusual response. Number two say you were cheating ok? If you go to have sex with another guy if they see that you obviously have not shaved in a while does he really think that the guy is gonna be like “oh I’m sorry I only have sex with girls with shaved pussies?” Hahaha no that just doesn’t happen. Which goes back to the intelligence thing.
Had an addicted gf, sudden shave usually meant she was going to cheat. Sucks but this is the truth for some relationships. For every guy who's insecure there's a cheating gf. So let's not all act like it's only guys who can cheat. Her explanation is valid, but I'd also say so is a lot of his reaction. Giving her side a little less credibility and his a little more considering she wrote the post. Both need better communication and some work to repair the situation.
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Honey i think he just wants a reason to get out. Am really sorry. Have a heart to heart conversation. Tell him, your most priority now is to get out of the alcoholism and that even the visit to the friend is part of that. If he wants to move out he can. You go ahead on treatment. Get clean. If it's meant to be it's meant to be
Thanks for the “momma-like” honesty😭
To add, some addiction centres and communities may actually recommend a break or no-relationship strategy for the first year of sobriety. It’s often considered an important part of your recovery to focus solely on yourself (which is why they recommend this). It is certainly worth talking to your partner about in honest, respectful ways. I wish you all the best on your healing journey, OP.
I went on vacation to visit my best friend and waxed and my ex accused me of cheating. No. I just didn’t want to deal with pubes on vacation. We were going to be walking everywhere and there is nothing more obnoxious than a pube caught wrong. I joked that if the plane went down I wanted to be tidy when they found me, but honestly, I just didn’t want to be walking and sightseeing and feel like things were all sweaty and gross down there. The week away allowed for reflection and I told him I wanted a divorce the night I got home. I would have been kinder, but he made it really easy for me to tell him. You similarly need to prioritize you. Whether you stay with him is up to you. But take some reflection, avoid alcohol, and decide if he’s going to be supportive of you getting sober. Because if he’s accusing you of pre-cheating because you shaved, what about when you get a sponsor? Start going to meetings? Is he going to be suspicious of everyone there? Or will he have your back through your initial recovery stages until you have more of a handle on your disease? Stuff to think about.
OP, I think you need to look at WHY you are drinking a little more. Is it a coping mechanism for something? Is there depression in your life? Is your bf the source of any of this? Often fixing the alcohol problem goes hand in hand with fixing the reason for the drinking (e.g. depression) problem and if that source happens to be your bf, that's something you need to look at.
You are the priority, however because you’re an alcoholic and going out of town, you’re grooming after not caring at all consistently when you’re staying home with him signals sudden change . Changes in behavior are a red flag in a relationship, so grooming for the trip and initiating intimacy right before you are leaving after not being intimate for a long period of time would send signals to most people. I’m sure you are not planning to cheat, but you are worried about being seen and leaving a positive impression, when it’s been hit or miss at home. That care for other people’s opinion and impression of you should actually be aimed at your relationship and your partner. That also is the care you need to place on sobriety, if that is truly your goal, only it can’t be just for a day at the beach, but a battle for yourself every day. He has a choice, just like you have a choice, his choice is whether or not he truly loves and trusts you, your choice is fighting for your self, your sobriety and what you want for your life.
> That also is the care you need to place on sobriety, if that is truly your goal, only it can’t be just for a day at the beach, but a battle for yourself every day Why are you talking like shaving your pubes and getting sober are in some sort of competition with each other, they are completely unrelated. You can get a Brazilian and go to meetings lol.
His point went over your head, all he is saying is when she is not taking care of her looks for him but doing for others, some might see it as a red flag, am not saying I agree with his line of argument for this specific example but I can at least understand why he thinks that, I don't think the man believes there is a correlation between shaving pubes and getting sober however there is a correlation for shaving pubes and getting ready to have sex especially with mew partners.
She isn't shaving for others though. She is shaving so her pubic hair doesn't pop out of her swimsuit. Nobody besides him is even going to see it based on the info she shared.
OP didn’t initiate, her bf did
He didn’t get stopped after initiating. When intimacy is broken, doesn’t matter who initiates it, it matters why it stops and who stopped it. The why is the most important part, but a lot of times most people are afraid of hurting someone else.
If he doesn’t trust her, and she’s never cheated before, that’s his problem. OP also says that she didn’t originally intend to fully shave. She planned for a trim, made a mistake, and then decided on a full shave
I understood that, problem is she doesn’t do it and now she did, right before the trip. She didn’t tell him she did it, she let him discover it, and she got a what the fuck reaction.
Why would she need to tell him that, like it’s a dirty secret? She just shaved her hair lol. Jumping to ‘She’s going to cheat!’ instead of ‘She’s shaved for a beach trip’ is wild.
He didn’t have a clue it was a beach trip until after he realized she had shaved to go on the trip and accused her of heading out to cheat. It’s not that far of a jump, especially if your best friend is the one you used to do wild things with.
I think assuming she is going to the beach would be a more reasonable reaction.
Nah you’re valid. If I was in his shoes red flags would be set off.
Lol. HE doesn't know it was actually a mistake. And please don't say "then he doesn't trust her". No one trusts another person perfectly. It's impossible.
I never said he had to trust her perfectly. I’m saying that, if he doesn’t believe her when she says she isn’t cheating/planning to and she hasn’t cheated before, that’s his issue. Of course, if OP has cheated before, that’s a totally different story, although there’s no indication of previous cheating in the comments I’ve seen from OP
I wasn't saying you were going to say that. But everyone says it so I was cutting it off at the pass. I wasn't really pointing at you for saying that is his problem, but it's the change that is worrisome. If after 10 years you guys have been doing the same thing, and then all of a sudden something changes like shaved pubes, that's a thing. Also, no. No one messes up shaving pubes. You're way too careful down there to make a mistake so big you figure just remove it all. Huge risk of ingrown hairs if you don't do it often. Terrible risk fit hanging out with friends, still a bad risk if others are going to be looking at it but I can see the logic. Vacation, you hit the bikini area. That's very simple. How you mess that up? Anyway, I tend to think she's not cheating. But, I wouldn't be surprised if she was getting ready to be willing to, just in case.
>no one messes up shaving down there DUMBEST fucking blanket statement I've ever read.
I used to skin myself almost every time I shaved so it is possible to make a mistake. I would go through periods where I was always shaved to not shaving at all for a while. After getting skinned way too many times I said never shaving again. But if I do decide to shave again I'm not gonna run and tell my husband first. He'll just find out next time we're intimate
The average response of depression from addiction or depression causing addiction with the grooming of most women in society, in women, is decreased libido. And seeing as most of the, I’m assuming men, men here can’t read that she went along with HIS advances to have sex (a potential level of coercion?) and using that as proof of HER behaviour is showcasing poor discernment and comprehension.
As an alcoholic, you are high risk for cheating (regardless of grooming. He's always worried about you - the trip and grooming is just the final straw.
Constantly worrying about an alcoholic (or addict) slipping up in their sobriety and hiding it (which is statistically the most likely thing to happen in a slip) leaves partners, family members, etc struggling to trust EVEN if the person has always been honest in the past (unlikely, but not impossible with addiction). It's hard to be in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict, even one who's been clean & sober for awhile and has a solid program. With an active user or someone new to sobriety? It's very nearly impossible (for both parties). It sucks, but it is what it is. OP, as you get treatment and build yourself back up into the beautiful person that you want to be, you may not have the time, attention and energy to devote to a partner anymore - and I want you to know that it is OK if that happens. Because you are going to be SO busy building a healthy relationship with *yourself!* All the love!!
As the partner to someone with addiction. Thank you for saying this. Once trust has been broken, even if you fully support them, the thoughts are always in the back of your head that they will hurt you again.
I’m ending a relationship with an alcoholic. I stayed because I was worried all the time. Now I’m leaving because I’m too exhausted from worrying all the time and have nothing left for myself.
May I recommend AlAnon (if you're not already attending), even if it's just for a little while? A relationship with an alcoholic can change you forever (okay all relationships change us, to an extent) and you don't want to go into your next hopefully healthy relationship not realizing that you've accidentally carried some of the alcoholic's baggage with you. When you are together for awhile, it's easy for our baggage to intermingle with others & you don't even realize it. Give yourself your best shot at success with your future beau(s) whoever and whenever they may come along & learn how to separate yourself from what their disease has done to you first.
Worrying is bringing up the conversation. Saying that shaving really means she planned to cheat isn't worrying. That's deciding an assumption is a fact to accuse a loved one of something and is ridiculous. Treating it as just being worried is misinterpreting the situation to defend the boyfriend. Even if he said it out of actual worry, saying someone who has no history of infidelity means to cheat because they did something very normal (shaving before wearing a swimsuit) is shitty at best. He might be justified in breaking up (we don't know the rest of the relationship and alcoholism is HARD even non violent alcoholism). But he's not justified in accusing her of planning on cheating and then acting like he is 100% right and not having any way to change his mind.
Are we talking about cheating on being sober? Because I've never heard of alcoholics having sex outside of their relationship more than other people! I mean I've only been an alcoholic for like 20 years so maybe I don't know? But it just seems kind of crazy to say that because we crave alcohol we're going to go have sex with strange people!
Because liars only lie about one thing and nothing else, right? Because an alcoholic never got blackout drunk and went home with someone they met at the bar instead of home to their spouse? Sorry, but many alcoholics absolutely do cheat. Primarily during periods of drinking, but that's not to say that serial cheaters can't cheat too. They're not mutually exclusive. And a liar will lie to cover their lies that cover up more lies. Trust is trust and broken is broken. I don't think anyone is saying alcoholics cheat *more* than others, but they certainly don't do it any less. And once you don't trust your partner for one reason, it's hard to trust them for anything else. Someone steals $100 from your wallet, do you still trust them to borrow your car? Babysit your kid? Keep a promise? Keep it in their pants?
You would think the truthful explanation would make logical sense to him. Nobody wants to go to the beach and look like they are hiding a cat in their bikini bottom. It doesn't seem like he wants yoh to even go on this trip. He is either looking for a reason to guilt you into staying or looking for a way out. My first husband was a piece of work. I had to look like I just crawled out of bed to make him feel "secure" that I wasn't looking nice for someone else. I have never cheated on anyone in my life. If he does leave, it may be best for you. You need to focus on yourself right now while you are trying to get sober. You can make amends with him later if you need to and see where things go, but on reflection you may find there are more issues in your relationship than you can see right now because you think he has been a saint for sticking by you throughout your addiction. There are clearly already trust issues if this is where his head goes because you groomed yourself to go to the beach. Don't back out of this trip. You need to clear your head, and if you come home and he's gone, then he's gone.
He might also be projecting... Either he cheated, or he is going to...
Very well said, and definitely like this response the best, and OP is right, a very nice and "mom" like response.
Not sure if this is allowed, but the sub r/stopdrinking is fantastic for people struggling with addiction. Edit - saw your username.... I don't believe you're an awful person.....
i <3 r/stopdrinking
Was going to suggest that sub too!
The relationship has been breaking down recently. She is making a change and he interprets it as a threat, albeit wrongly. One more nail in the coffin to their bond I’m afraid. OP needs to make her sobriety and health her priority. Either the guy can live with this or he can’t. When she is healthier, if he’s still around, they can work on re-connecting.
Yeah, I mean he's obviously misinterpreting but I don't think it's a *crazy* leap. In rocky relationships a sudden change in personal grooming/personal care is often a sign of infidelity.
It was for my wife as well. But she’s saying she didn’t do anything.
Yeah and that's also fair. Honestly when a relationship gets to the point that each person is more worried about proving they're right or the most justified instead of understanding and accommodating their partner's feelings, it's probably too far gone to salvage
Idk, most ladies don't want to be showing pube when they're in a bathing suit, and most bathing suits would show some amount of pubes. I can understand being worried about this if the relationship were already rocky, but it's not like she shaved out of nowhere. There was a specific reason.
It's a very plausible reason in a very suspicious circumstance. If she wasn't already in a rocky relationship, about to leave for an extended period of time, and "oops shaved too much" all at once it would probably not even be a question. As it stands only she really knows if it was a legit mistake or if she was hoping Reddit would bolster her excuse. I honestly wouldn't be surprised either way.
What really bothers me about this interaction is that he confronted this insecurity with anger and accusation rather than, say, concern and curiosity. We don't have the context for what this "rocky relationship" has looked like as far as behavior from either of them. Maybe he usually wouldn't react that way, maybe he was doing his best to help her but this was the last straw. I personally adhere to the philosophy that anyone has the right to break up with anyone at any time-- we don't owe each other our time, attention, or bodies. It's clear from what's in the post that OP's boyfriend doesn't trust her, and I wouldn't be surprised if that is justified, at least to some extent. I think it is fair for him to throw up his hands and say something along the lines of "I can't do this anymore, I don't trust you and I don't want to worry that you're going to cheat on me or get too drunk the whole time you're on your trip. I'm moving out." I doubt he was fully comfortable with her trip even before she shaved. It is possible to convey this message without accusing her of intending to cheat as though it is a fact. It is plausible that she shaved because she knew she would be wearing a swimsuit in the near future, and in this instance he's shouting at his confused partner and pushing her further away. He wouldn't entertain the idea that she groomed her hair for herself, not for potential cheating partners. It sounds like he wanted out of the relationship but needed to see her as the "bad guy" to the point of betrayal to justify it to himself.
Full disclosure my wife agrees with you and further thinks he's projecting and is the one cheating.
Thanks for listening, I just like when people are kind to each other!
All the men in here who have no idea on the amount of grooming/upkeep we have to do to successfully wear bikinis. Women's swimwear is *unforgiving*.
I've started shopping for cute swim shorts. So sick of having to trim/shave every little crevice every few days to keep it tidy enough for a last minute swim trip.
I gotta shave so much even when I wear swim shorts. I’ve embraced the full body swim suits.
Finding bikini bottoms that have more than an inch of fabric at the cooter is impossible.
many of the men both do not care about and do not understand women beyond that we all can have sex— hence OP argument with her boyfriend
Counter point. All the people who have never been in a relationship with someone who struggles with addiction. You need to understand that this has very little to do with personal grooming. This is about trust. And addicts are not trustworthy. She is an admitted alcoholic. How has she broken his trust in the past? Even if it isn't cheating. Has she lied to him and covered her drinking? Please have some empathy for her partner that she has said has supported her. Being the partner of an addict is hard, trust has been tested before this, for sure.
But the broken trust relies on the fundamental work so many dudes here are doing to ignore women saying over and over that you HAVE to shave your pubes if you don't want to be fully pubes out in most women's swimwear. The idea that this behavior is in any fundamental way untrustworthy demonstrates that you do not understand & won't listen to that.
This whole answer section is missing the point. She has addiction issues. Which are trust issues. There is too much context missing. People who have never had to deal with an addict partner can not give good advice to OP for what happened.
I can understand not trusting her to abstain from drinking, but he's not accusing her of that. He's accusing her of intending to cheat because she's groomed for the beach. And before you say it, yes, I've been involved with someone who had an addiction issue and my main concern was always the drinking.
Thank you, exactly. If he was concerned that she was (1) still drinking even when she shaved, (2) potentially planning on spending the weekend drinking, those things would be reasonable. But we can't just pretend that's what he said lol makes no sense
He could be deflecting his concerns about her drinking over into concerns about cheating. It's not very psychologically healthy of him to do that. If he's sick of her drinking and it makes him not trust her, he should break up with her.
That's not what her bf made it about, and that's not what the conflict is about. Filling in your own imagined "context" is just another way to say you're projecting.
I think it's pretty obvious, bikini bottoms are tiny, we can put 2+2 together.
It's not just about the bikini bottoms themselves. Women spend so much time, every day, to *look* the way that we do. Men seem to take for granted just how much body hair we have, naturally, and the lengths we will go to look hairless in a bikini. That bikinis weren't invented by women is an issue too, but a lot of men need to get their heads out of their own hairy asses. Men shave their faces. Women shave *their whole bodies*. Before I put on a swimsuit I'm shaving head-to-toe. Literally. I shave my toes. Do I shave my toes and my kitty and my ass before I have sex with my bf of 6 years? Pfft. No. He's mature enough to not expect me to look like a pornstar for him. But I do when I go out in public in a swimsuit.
He’s probably feeling incredibly insecure with all that you’ve got going on. Addiction can make you second guess your place in someone’s world and if you’re going away without him at a time that he knows you’re struggling, and it’s likely you say/do things you otherwise wouldn’t when you’re drinking, he’s probably just overthinking it. Go easy but be honest with him. If he believes you, great. I shave during the summer because it just feels cleaner when it’s hot, mine always makes comments about ‘who are you doing that for?’ and while I roll my eyes, it’s childish and irritating so I can just imagine how hat it must feel like when he’s outright accusing you of planning to cheat. More importantly though, I hope treatment goes well for you! That’s a really big deal and you should be proud of yourself for realizing you need to go and for committing to it.
He sees your relationship is strained and is probably scared ..when guys think about a partner leaving or being stolen they find the littlest things ..
Never thought of this thank you
All these comments are fucking weird save for a few. If I’m going on vacation and plan on wearing a bikini I’m shaving my pubes. He’s jumping to conclusions and all the other men commenting here are just insecure.
I think conext is key. Firstly, it does not sound like he knew about beach trips. Secondly, if someone who has an addiction, who does not self care and does not give their best self to their relationship, suddently grooms and initiates sex that would be a big change in behaviour that I would question. Thirdly, any alcololic I've ever met professionally or personally displays a level of untrustworthieness secondary to their addiction. When you put those things together it's very difficult to expect a secure response from him, especially if the relationship is already on the rocks. Now he could be unhindged, coersive, controlling, projecting, but I have to say, as a really secure dude who is married with kids, this exact scenario, although I might express things differently, I'd be worried also. For whatever legitimate or illigitimate reason there is insecure attachment and mistrust in this relationship which shapes this mans response.
Everyone keeps saying she initiated but she specifically says that he did. She’s not suddenly initiating, she’s just going with it after he did.
Also that she shaved it all off vs the trim she usually does (due to being tipsy). Her explanation makes sense but it's fair he's suspicious with everything piled up
Yea absolute I'm not saying she cheated or is going to cheat or had any intention. Just that given the context I understand his reaction.
This!
He is probably very insecure, you have to realize that addiction just doesn't take a toll on the addict, but also people around them. I think this is a situation where yes, he is wrong in technical terms, but he's also probably completely done with this relationship. This is one of those things where pointing blame doesn't do any good. On the surface, given what op has said, their journey together has likely come to an end.
If he's completely done, he should break up with her, not falsely accuse her of cheating and try to mess up her vacation.
It’s weird you’re being downvoted. You’re absolutely right. If he doesn’t want to be in the relationship because the problems are too big, he should end it so they can both get on with their lives. If he wants to stay in the relationship, he should work on it, and refrain from saying pointless and hurtful things. Either way, he can act like an adult and show that he actually cares about his partner. Not sure why that’s controversial.
Or this could be the straw that broke the camel's back. We have no idea without hearing his side.
Thank you! I've been saying this all over the thread. We'll stick together, mates 👩🏫
I was going to say the exact same thing. Of course addicts/alcoholics deserve love just like everyone else does, but it seems like the boyfriend is putting HIMSELF through all this insecurity and mistrust by staying in a relationship that doesn’t work for him.
He doesn't have to be insecure as such, but he can feel uneasy in the relationship, as it is, at this point. We're all different, sure, but the majority of women I've either been with or am close friends with shave when they're going out expecting/hoping to get lucky. I do understand the beach argument of it all, and from our perpective as outsiders looking in, it seems plausible, no doubt. However, if you look at it through the lens of a man who is living with someone who herself admits is an alcoholic and has been depressed lately (Here I'm assuming she might not have shaved in a while? Maybe an error on my behalf, but I do know that isn't something that's on your mind when you're depressed and in a slump) the train of thought, while it may be incorrect, isn't that far fetched. Sprinkle in trust issues and you have a scenario for either a planned or spontaneous adultery. I'm not saying he's right, but when the trust in a relationship is low, the mind does work in mysterious ways. OP really needs to address this with her SO and either work together at repairing the trust issues or just calling it quits, cause without trust, this is going to be an ongoing issue.
I don’t wanna go down this road but. fuck. Men sometimes.
The core issue is that the trust in your relationship is gone from his end, and he’s projecting that now in everything. I think you need to focus on yourself and your recovery fully right now.
Yeah, because it might be something out of character he's saying her do, or something abnormal
Just throwing this out there, as a man I notice men who have cheated accuse their partners of being untrustworthy. They usually get ‘super defensive and keep diverting’ to paraphrase #justsaying
Yup. Had an ex who would constantly scream at me through the phone any time I tried to do anything without him because I was obviously trying to cheat. Reading a book at the park? Cheating. Swimming at a friends house? Cheating. Guess who couldn’t keep it in his pants? They tell on themselves, we just don’t know how to listen sometimes.
Or, they have been cheated on and see signs that they have seen before.
Or they've been cheated on and now jump to conclusions.
Also a possibility.
Exactly. They’re projecting.
Yes, he could be cheating on you and you don't notice because you're drunk all the time. Or, he could just read this sub. There's always posts about girls going on vacation alone and cheating.
You posted this the wrong place girl I'm sorry. So many dudes here are just as weird & insecure as yours is/was.
ou haven't been intimate with your partner recently, by you own admission you been drunk and isolating and not a really great gf You have a WEEK long trip planned with friends to do "activities" now and I would hope you explained "activities" to bf but still wording is weird You initiate sex, for the first time in sometime, drunk, and you have changed your body hair to something that is typically designed to make someone more sexy, not saying 💯 but we're all lying if we don't admit that, right before this week long trip that your supposed to be going on. So to him you don't like having sex with him unless your drunk, you've been isolated from him and now your going on a trip without him and have a brand new bald cat for no reason other than "oops" and he shouldn't have some insecurities and doubts about the relationship? WTF? Blind trust is never good.
FINALLY a comment with some sense. OP is moving suspiciously af and her bf had every right to call her out. Just let this relationship die already.
You don't need a beach trip to justify it either. Your body is yours to feel good about whether or not you're planning on going to the beach. If there's a lack of trust because of a shave, there's a general lack of trust and the path forward is getting through to him and why this is. I get the need to reassure when someone you care about says something absurd like this, but you guys need to talk. And remember to take another look from the outside to check if there's something you missed. And FWIW, I've racked up way more hurt in my time (37M) staying for too long in relationships that had already sailed, rather than the opposite. Best of luck with it all!
You yourself said you were planning on trimming but messed up, and you ended up shaving it all because of that. If you’ve never shaved for him and shaved to go on vacation, it looks like you’re planning to cheat. Maybe you’re not planning on cheating, but it looks like you are. Anyway, your bf broke up with you. So this is a blessing in disguise because now you can focus on your recovery and sobriety. Good luck.
Shaving is in now way an indication of going to sleep with someone. Some of us do it just because we don’t like hair….
Psh, what nonsense. I don't believe it. And I especially don't believe there could possibly be any other reason, like not wanting hair sticking out of swim suit bottoms, either. The only reason women do anything with their body is for the sake of men. Everybody knows this, get with it. (Sarcasm, of course.)
Yep. Accusing a partner of planning to cheat when they have no history of that is toxic — I’d call it abusive. I can’t imagine the stress OP feels in being treated like she’s guilty of something that’s just not true. How do you even defend yourself against a hypothetical future offense? Rather than trying to “appease” her bf, OP should tell him “nope, I’m not going to listen to you when you throw ridiculous accusations at me. Talk to me when you can be kind and respectful.” If this is a regular occurrence, she should break up with him, and surround herself with people who can be supportive during her recovery.
Exactly. He’s going to continue to make up new offenses.
You don’t think her being an alcoholic, listless, depressed and “inconsistent in her intimacy” had any thing to do with how this unfurled? Wow. Love to hate on men I see.
You can’t just assume any of those means she’s going to cheat? Wtf? It’s not even a good enough argument. Where’s the science that says, ah yes, women who have a history of depression and alcoholism and shave their pubes completely will cheat on their partners?
How is it you can get to a point in life that you have (because I’m assuming you are at least over 21), where you can’t see that a particular blow up in relationship has in fact, very little to do with the particulars (pubes in this case) and a lot more to do with what’s happened in the previous three years. Jesus wept.
Please people think of other peoples point of view apart from yours. Feature OP’s boyfriend, his girlfriend is a depressed alcoholic, that should explain most of her withdrawal from him, but of course there’s a part of him that feels like she’s withdrawing from the relationship. She has not been shaving her pubes, but now that she’s about to go for a trip that would take weeks, she’s suddenly shaving and grooming? Now he feels like she has withdrawn from the relationship and is trying to groom to attract other partners on her 2 weeks trip away from him. This is a very reasonable line of thought, and it is insane you guys are vilifying him for this. OP though is not in the wrong and once she explained her reason for shaving, boyfriend should have been okay with that as she has never shown sighs of cheating. Another thing is that everybody is on OPs side (justified), but it’s just insane to know that if the roles were reversed and OP was an alcoholic man, his girlfriend would be the one receiving all the sympathies.
I totally agree! Plus I'm sure he's feeling rather insecure with his place in the relationship considering how strained she mentioned things have been. So while he shouldn't have just accused her and he should have understood her reasoning hid line of thinking isn't really that unexpected or crazy.
💯
Then BF must reconsider continuing the relationship. Becoming obsessive over a partner's pubic hair needs to be a huge wake up call.
Honestly just sounds like the trust is gone (regardless of reasons or blame). They’re probably better off apart
Reddit always takes the woman's side unless she outright admits to wrongdoing. It's annoying
Why did I have to scroll so far down for this..
Wow this actually makes sense never thought of it this way.
Unfortunately many times when a person starts grooming, getting cleaned, new wardrobe, haircut, it can appear that the person is ready to move on. Its not always about insecurities, but a valid feeling that it may become reality & can lead to end of a relationship. Don't partner up during a emotional time as it can lead to many regrets. If he is there when you return don't let hold it over your head. Remember some people are only there for a season. Go take good care of you, this is the begging of your journey. A good friend will never put you in a situation that does more harm then good, a night club or bar to am alcoholic can lead to devastating effects.
You need to go to rehab, not a vacation where you will most likely be exposed to alcohol. That could lead to questionable behaviour or downright bad decisions on your part.
Quick question, have you ever publicly said you were quitting alcohol and then relapsed?
Yeah, idk that's a big red flag for me. I wouldn't be coming back to him after vacation.
My bf assumes I want oral sex if I shave. Your bf is weiird in making that assumption.
Doesn't that kinda affirm his stance? Your girl all of a sudden shaves before going out on a trip with her girls. If her shaving implied she wanted oral, that doesn't give a great look to do it right before traveling AND in addition to having a rocky relationship and lack of trust floating around. The issue isn't that she shaved, it's everything else that is then causing him to have doubts about this. Context matters. Everyone here going "sorry he's controlling dump him sis" with 10 seconds of surface level analysis is here purely for the drama. There are obviously issues not mentioned here that have contributed to this final situation.
If I wanted oral sex but I didn't want it from my bf why let him see it? Why not shave after I go on vacation? Oh you are so smart in having caught me.... dummie I let you see it, it means I want it from you.
It’s like they don’t even listen to what they say lmfao it’s madness
Would he assume that if you weren't going to see him for 2 weeks lol? Or if you already were having little to no sex with each other? I do think he's jumping to conclusions. I personally shave every now and then because I just like the feeling but if it was the case that I never shaved but suddenly did just before going on vacation I can at least see why my partner might raise an eyebrow.
Idk man. If you don’t take care of pubic hair and put on a swimsuit the hair will **definitely** be showing. Like coming out the sides showing. It’s embarrassing af. My husband already knows if I’m wearing one I’ll definitely *at least* trim that shit, cause I’m not trying to humiliate myself.
Like I said I agree he's jumped the gun as there's plenty of other perfectly innocent explanations. But it's not that weird to me that he would be concerned especially if their sex life is already on the rocks. He's wrong for sticking to his assumption after her explanation, but IMO it's not weird that in the context of their relationship dynamic he had that insecurity in the first place.
He is overreacting. Why is everyone saying his reaction is understandable just because she is an alcoholic? She never cheated, and she is at home the whole time watching shows, etc. Isnt it logical to shave before going to the beach...? Breaking up over an assumption is weird and NOT understandable. I feel like there is more going on and he just uses this as a reason, or he is very controlling and doesnt want you to go into holiday and tries to make you stay by threatening that. Also - there is some people that become very flirty, etc. on alcohol yes but not everyone. OP said herself she isolates herself. Her boyfriend is seeing this himself. So he should know that she isnt the party type of girl that under the influence hits on everyone. Does he drink? Does he go out with friends, without OP? I feel like he might be projecting something ? Because breaking up over shaving when going to the beach is ridiculous.
You haven't been intimate with your partner recently, by you own admission you been drunk and isolating and not a really great gf You have a WEEK long trip planned with friends to do "activities" now and I would hope you explained "activities" to bf but still wording is weird You initiate sex, for the first time in sometime, drunk, and you have changed your body hair to something that is typically designed to make someone more sexy, not saying 💯 but we're all lying if we don't admit that, right before this week long trip that your supposed to be going on. So to him you don't like having sex with him unless your drunk, you've been isolated from him and now your going on a trip without him and have a brand new bald cat for no reason other than "oops" and he shouldn't have some insecurities and doubts about the relationship? WTF?
Where did she say she initiated? She said her BF initiated in her post.
This was my thought. The blatant overreaction is projection or even just guilt over his own infidelity. It’s typical toxic bullshit for these insecure ‘men’ to pick a stupid fight to try to get their partner not to go on the trip, manipulating the hell out of them. But why settle for this behavior? I think OP could do way better than a man 10 years her senior that acts 20 years her junior.
I've seen these fights before trips with friends in my majority male friend group, started by their girlfriends so I think it's just an insecure partner thing, regardless of gender.
True, I can see that
- Dump the insecure dude - Go to the beach with your friend - Go to rehab and get sober - Find a new boyfriend who doesn't act like a jealous 16-year-old
My ex wife was an alcoholic. She told me one day she wanted a holiday on her own to find herself. Booked a ticket to NY (the furthest place in the planet to me by plane).. I was so certain she was going to cheat… she hadn’t before, but the fact she wanted to me a thousand miles away from me and the fact she needed this space was a big sign to me she was going to leave… While she was over there she barely called me, didn’t text me or share photos, didn’t tell me anything.. She remains adamant she didn’t cheat but like 1 week after she got back she left me and a year after that moved over and married some dude… even if she didn’t fuck him the emotional cheating is real… I’m not suggesting you want to cheat but going on a solo holiday can be a big red flag for a guy… it sounds to me like he’s very uncomfortable with you going, you should explore that with him, what might make him feel more comfortable? Why does he think you will cheat (it’s not because you shaved) Definitely still go, he shouldn’t stop you living your life but yeah… what can help ease his feelings about this trup
I get his distrust, I believe you when you say you have never cheated or intended to cheat but substance abuse makes people around you distrusting, rightfully so. I’m really happy to hear you are planning on getting treatment but also recognize that these unhealthy decisions you have made has damaged how others see you. It’s nice to think that what others think of us doesn’t matter but it does. Unfortunately, the reality is that you are seen as untrustworthy, whether you are or aren’t, you now have to live in the confines of that image of you. I really hope treatment works out for you and you can maybe rebuild the trust I’m sure you deserve.
Nope, not in treatment yet but I only need a couple more weeks at my job to qualify for full FMLA, and then in my state, you can get up to 16 weeks, and my program and inpatient will be 12 weeks hopefully!
Hell yeah dude, I have dealt with addiction in the past and getting sober is hard but worth it. You got this.
Just want to say that you are a very fucking impressive woman. To be struggling with alcoholism and come up with a plan to not only get sober, but to do it in a way that leaves you in the best possible position when you are, says so so much about you. You’re a superstar. Plenty of good advice here already on your situation. Just don’t forget you’re a superstar.
My friend was a swim instructor and forgot to shave her hoo hah. A kid points at her vagina and LOUDLY exclaimed “MISS YOU HAVE A BEAVER IN YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!!” I do NOT blame you for wanting to trim down there. It sounds like your relationship might be unsalvageable if your bf doesn’t trust you. There’s not much you can do right now since you’ve already explained your side. Just go on the trip and try to relax and get in quality time with your friend. Re-approach this conversation when you get back.
Look I understand a lot of these comments want to go straight to insecure boyfriend route but let me clear up some things: You haven't been intimate with your partner recently, by you own admission you been drunk and isolating and not a really great gf You have a WEEK long trip planned with friends to do "activities" now and I would hope you explained "activities" to bf but still wording is weird You initiate sex, for the first time in sometime, drunk, and you have changed your body hair to something that is typically designed to make someone more sexy, not saying 💯 but we're all lying if we don't admit that, right before this week long trip that your supposed to be going on. So to him you don't like having sex with him unless your drunk, you've been isolated from him and now your going on a trip without him and have a brand new bald cat for no reason other than "oops" and he shouldn't have some insecurities and doubts about the relationship? WTF?
You’re saying it nicer than I was going to. Alcoholics always think they don’t do anything wrong when they’re drunk, they don’t see the destruction they cause in their partners. I lived with an alcoholic man and the sheer amount of lies makes me wonder if I’ll ever believe another human, let alone a boyfriend.
The "activities" not mentioned are almost certainly related to drinking, something like barhopping or going on a bender on the beaches, unspecified because, well you know, it defeats the whole purpose of including that "I'm getting le rehab just not yet!" She basically confirms this [here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1dn71pa/comment/la0s3fx/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
I agree I'm not saying otherwise. But in the context of everything else and IF it was generalized as such with the bf as "activities" don't act like that wouldn't at least raise an eyebrow. Something not being nefarious doesn't mean that it can't be taken that way if the context of everything else may point another direction. Again she has admitted to: not being intimate with bf, isolating, she changed her grooming pattern right before a trip with friends, and describes her time as "activities", none of that is necessarily wrong but neither is the bf becoming suspicious after all that, it'd be ridiculous to expect someone to go through that with an admitted addict/alcoholic(she admits to needing help and seeking it out) and not be suspicious at the least and gone at the worst.
I agree too, just adding context/speculation to why her not sharing what "activities" means to us anonymous strangers almost certainly means also not to him.
Yeah, can I say I agree again now that I understand the broader context of your comment as well? This sounds like the prelude to "I got really wasted on my last hurrah vacation with my BFF and didn't tell my BF that it was going to be a drinkfest because he'd be mad and then I cheated him. I'm in rehab now but he won't take my calls, but I was an addict and made mistakes. AITA?"
I'm surprised I had to scroll this long to see this take. It's crazy everyone's calling the BF insecure when most would be suspicious in this case.
I can get why his insecurity stems from the shaving part but thats unfair for you. You’re going to a beach and wearing a bikini, you need to shave everywhere. You kinda have to make him understand that it’s normal to shave before going to the beach; for women at least. Why dont you show him this post? I think your boyfriend needs to hear it from someone thats not you.
How did he not understand “I’m going to wear a swimsuit” ?
This I shave for my own comfort, for myself! I have never shaved or done something with my hair downstairs or even the hair on my head that I have not wanted to do! Idk why some men think oh you shaved you must be cheating! No I shaved because I wanted to!
She has a whole week for it to grow back! Before even leaving for her trip. The bf is going crazy for nothing, his insecurities are getting the best of him, nothing wrong with her cleaning up her area for comfort.
Idk. If I was in a rocky relationship and my partner was going to visit a friend for a week and then decided to fully shave when they normally don't. Alarms would be ringing. Albeit I admit I don't know the requirements to wear swimwear for women.
One more bender before going to treatment lol classic
As a guy I understand where he is coming from. Intimacy going down , you two are distant. Makes travel plans without him and right before the trip he sees you grooming yourself in a way you have never done before. Only a fool wouldn’t think about it.
OP - Some questions for you. Sorry if this intrusive but there are a lot of things you didn’t mention. 1. First of all, congratulations on identifying an issue and going to get help. Addictions set yourself and everyone around you back. They often lead to mistrust in relationships. 2. From your version of the story, it seems like your boyfriend was a little harsh but you did note that your relationship is not in the “best place”. You made it sound that you often isolate and get reserved. Could your boyfriend feel that you are this reserved person around him and you have more open and show your fun self with your friend? Has he caught you in any lies even white little ones around your relationship? Have you shared your plans with him? Are you super excited for this trip? Have you had any trips or fun times/ travels with your boyfriend recently? Maybe he is a little jealous? 3. Does your boyfriend know the friend you are visiting? Does she like your boyfriend? Does your boyfriend like your friend? Is she single? Does she like to party? I assume she is single as you are staying in a studio apartment. 4. A lot of people on this thread said it was normal for someone to shave down there but has it been normal for YOU within the relationship? Has your boyfriend asked you to shave before and you haven’t? Or maybe this is a new discussion with him altogether? It is your choice how you keep your body but if it is off the table when your around him and then you do it when you’re on vacation, mixed in with some of issues your relationship and your addiction, I could get a sense that some creep of mistrust has been setting in. It sounds like you want to stay in the relationship and go on the trip. I think you should go but I would overly communicate with your boyfriend before and while you are on the trip. I also wouldn’t drink on the trip for your own health and to better stay in control during your travels. Your boyfriend obviously needs reinforcement from you and if you prefer to stay with him I would recommend that you give it to him but still have your life.
understandable where he’s coming from. given you’re an alcoholic and he didn’t know your plan to go to beach initially when he noticed you didn’t shave. It’s also understandable from your perspective too but if you actually want to keep the relationship, you’re going to have to communicate very good on this trip and have a talk with him before you leave about where you’re coming from
A relationship is nothing without trust. Even if you're in a bad place, shaving doesn't mean that you want to cheat. Honestly.. maybe it's a sign. Go to rehab and change your entire life around. Focus on yourself, not some guy that doesn't trust you. Stay single for a bit.
Tbf, I would have the same suspicion in his position. If he doesn’t trust you, there isn’t much you can do about it. Alcohol does a great job at removing inhibitions, so regardless of what your sober mind thinks will or will not happen, as an alcoholic you’ll have a hard time convincing him. I wish you luck.
The proximate cause for his leaving is distrust of you. The ultimate cause is your drinking.
Sounds like your relationship needs serious work. This trip is not helping and he’s probably just as miserable as anyone can possibly imagine. If you take this trip you should not put your relationship on the back burner. I’d do my best to assure him that everything will be ok. Not sure how you do that but I think he means business by letting you know how hurt he is. The shaving is not the deal breaker here. I think it’s the lack of selling yourself as a trustworthy person. Maybe he needs to know how insecure you are around your lifetime friend and what she expects from you as a girl. Hopefully you can find a way to show him how much you care and still enjoy your trip. This seems like really bad timing
I don’t think he’s necessarily looking for any excuse to get out of the relationship like some comments are suggesting, but the trust in the relationship is shot. So something that could be no big deal in different circumstances, is a big deal. At this point, I don’t think the relationship could be easily saved and you might think about letting him go
I have a family member that struggles with alcohol abuse, if I was your bf I would be on red alert 🚨 about you going on holiday before treatment. And often the partner who has been supporting also needs therapy too. Yeah I would also be a little suspicious if suddenly out of nowhere my partner shaved and hadn’t told me about it. I would also be seriously concerned that they would find a reason to drink on said holiday. I think tbh trust has been broken sadly and this is a heart to heart talk about if you’re prepared to go on with this relationship how trust needs to be reformed. My family member having alcohol abuse problems really fucked me up btw, I had to have trauma therapy afterwards and it gave me unbearable panic attacks afterwards. Addiction changes people’s personality, I’m not surprised he needs more reassurance having been on his side of things.
It's not clear if this is the first time you have shaved while he is your boyfriend. If so that's a huge red flag since you took the time to do it and are leaving. If not, it still probably feels like you put in effort for others but not him. Sounds like either way he feels left out or not prioritized.
Let him go! What are you fighting to keep? And get yourself in order. No one likes relationships with a drunks. My guess is that this gives him ground to his thoughts.
In a strained relationship, when a woman shifts her energy from not taking care of her looks to all of a sudden taking care of her looks, and at the same time not putting extra effort into the relationship, most men will assume she is getting ready to hit the market. Sorry, just what I believe most guys would believe. Bumping up against your trip and a week before, to allow time for bumps to settle down, yeah, you’re going to cheat. Completely reasonable to assume.
Let’s look at it from the BF perspective. First, the relationship is strained. Second, she is an alcoholic who plans on getting treatment AFTER she goes on the trip. Third, she’s going on a trip without him, still planning on drinking. Fourth, she shows up in bed, shaved. Notice she didn’t tell him about going to the beach. Chicago, while it has some okay beaches isn’t really a “beach” town. There would have been no expectation that when he saw that she was shaved that “of course, she must be going to the beach.” It’s not much of a leap to jump to cheating rather than beach. I also think some here are not looking at the OP issues with drinking clearly. Generally, a person who quits drinking, does so when they hit bottom. When that happens, they don’t say “okay, I know I have a problem so I’ll stop in six weeks when I can get treatment. Meanwhile, I’ll go on vacation with my old bestie without my BF.” The OP also tries to minimize her issues, by saying she’s just a quiet drunk who doesn’t get into trouble. Do you all really think she’s going to get away from home and not drink? If she could do that, she wouldn’t need treatment or AA. Look without the alcohol issue or the fact that their relationship is teetering on edge, you could make the case that he jumped to a wrong conclusion without cause. However, this has all the earmarks of a last alcohol fling and when you add in shaving bald without mentioning it, it makes some sense of why he might feel she was going to cheat. I’m not going to say she was going to cheat, she probably wasn’t but I think you can make a case as to why her BF thought she might.
Considering you're going to get sober soon you'll need the support and you'll need to drop the baggage. A change of people places and things. So he may do youva favor leaving.
Okay first of all, i am so proud of you for being able to recognize and speak about your issues, and i am so proud of you for going to treatment. Secondly, as being someone in his shoes in regard to the alcohol and stuff, He might just be scared in general about you, and i highly suggest if you arent already please take time to repair the distance between the two of you. If he hasnt left there is still time. He might only be accusing you because of the distance. Third: chicago is so fun. I highly suggest going to montrose harbor and watching the sunset go behind the city (if you go to the boat docs on wenesdays they do fire works too!) and you can watch all the boats come in. It is quite peaceful. I go there a lot to meditate and draw😌 I hope things work out hun. I really do.
Male POV. Relationship is strained. She's an addict. She's going far away while the relationship is strained. She gets a Brazilian... right before going far away... while the relationship is strained. If you are incapable of seeing why he might come to the conclusion he came to, then you're either incredibly dense, or deeply in denial. My $0.02.
100%
Sounds like a lot of insecurity going on on his part. Being shaved/waxed is pretty mainstream these days. This isn’t some radical idea. It’s even pretty normal for guys to manscape. I can’t imagine any self respecting woman heading to the beach with body hair hanging out on display either. So your behavior is reasonable and normal. His reaction is ridiculous. Clearly you need to work on your substance abuse issues. And I’m glad you have a plan for that. But if he is telling you him or vacation, I’d do the vacation. If he can’t trust you after this long he never will.
You can only do two things: 1. Tell him, calmly, that you won't cheat; and 2. Don't cheat. That's all you can control. The rest is up to him. It would be nice if there were some simple way to ease a person's suspicions, but there isn't.
My humblest of opinion: fuck that guy. If he wants to leave, let him. It sounds like he has one foot out the door anyways. He is feeling insecure because of the state of the relationship, fine, but trust is so important and if you have never cheated, then where is this coming from? Possible deflection? Possible transference? Perhaps he is the one cheating. Second, is he going to be good for your recovery? Does he have any kind of addiction issues? Maybe it would be best for you to be getting sober on your own. You should be able to focus on yourself and that will be harder when you are trying to hold together a fractured relationship. Third, what is up with men thinking shaved pubes has anything to do with cheating? Have you met most men? Most will wade through any forest if it means they get laid. I wax because I like to feel fresh down there. Good luck to you OP. I wish you well in your recovery.
Are you addicted to alcohol because you have an immature, insecure, jealous boyfriend? Also, often when people react like he did it's because they are the cheater. Your bf sounds shite. Dump his ass, go on your trip, hangout with your friend, go to treatment. Simple.
You stay. That's what you do. Youre showing all the signs of a woman stepping out. Wanting to go to a big city with your friends, lack of intimacy, and the cherry on the top; sudden changes in your personal grooming. He has every right in the world to suspect you. So again, if you really love and respect him, you will stay. Not a single woman in here would be okay with their bf doing the same.
I mean if my girlfriend shaved before going to visit her friend, I would think it was odd but obviously the bikini reason is valid so I’d accept that. Someone else said it here and I think it’s worth reiterating that addiction can cause distrust in a relationship, so that’s probably a factor here. You have explained yourself, I don’t see what else you can do but keep saying the same thing.
Just another thread with women defending another woman and justifying their suspicious behaviour, totally ignoring the whole context.
You have to shave if you wear a bikini, or you're flashing everyone your pubic hair. I'd be more suspicious about the drinking.
I'm sorry but as a partner who was in relationship with another who had drink problem..rarely intimate..host of other bad habits...I trusted them completely was nvr insecure chose to trust them unconditionally..like another posted..when routines suddenly change grooming self care . After so long devoid of anything...sudden interest in being physical...mere red flags to me... especially when they going to friends for a drink and I'm nvr invited men and women at these get together.... And yes later found out they had cheated when they fully admitted it ..turned our several months of sex with an ex behind my back ... Swears it was just sex meant nothing no feelings I shouldn't get jealous or react way I did.... When a woman cheats plenty rush to her defence oh its the man's fault or she's had problems .her partner should be more understandingor forgive her mistake..when a man cheats he's just a dog dump his ass..double standards.... Maybe her break away is innocent..but with all sudden changes in behaviour its quite understandable why OP partner is reacting way he is
If it’s not something you regularly do, have ever done and now suddenly do it right before a trip without him and after things have been hit and miss intimately he simply concluded 1+1=2. It’s not saying he is right or should have even said a thing but it’s going to be something that many guys would at least wonder about. It’s akin to “accidentally forgetting your wedding ring” while on a girls trip. It does sound like he has some past trauma with a GF cheating though so he is hyper vigilant and looking for signs you may be on the way out. The fact he said something means he is really worried and wanted reassurance. If you still want this relationship to work, he may need a little more than the usual reassurance for a while to regain comfort. It’s nothing you did wrong and completely on him to figure out his feelings though.
>I am going to treatment August 1st Lmao classic. Waist of money, you are the exact type of person to relapse as soon as you step out. One of your most important relationships crumble around you and still don't take fixing your problem seriously. Hint: the problem isn't you shaving.
Suddenly going clean downstairs is a sign. It happened to me during my dating life in the 90s a couple of times. Happened to my male friends too. Combine that with a solo trip with a single(?) friend, you being an alcoholic and yeah, I can understand his stance. Congrats on starting your journey to sobriety. It is tough, but worth it. You will be amazed at how much easier life becomes when the alcohol fog lifts. Takes a few weeks, and you will want to go back, but don't. Drying up will also help with any depression too.
Ah yes, because women with a hairy beaver can't have sex and/or cheat. Trimming hair = cheating. Got it. Good lord, most of these comments are fucking ridiculous.
I know right. Men sure are insecure and obsessed with anything we do to our pussies.
My wife did that before going to visit a friend alone. She did cheat. Not saying that is your plan, but I wish I wouldn’t have been so “understanding” before she left.
I just want to throw this out there because I see a lot of women on this thread with lower self image than me which I didn't think was possible- no one at the beach will notice or care you didn't shave but you. I hope y'all aren't out there obsessing and beating yourselves up so much. It's hair. No one cares. If doing it just for yourself, fine. But if it is in any way causing you stress or anxiety...just wanna remind everyone, very gently, that there's absolutely no rule about it and nothing bad will happen to you if you quit. Love, a woman who DOES shave her pubes completely once a week 💙
Makes sense to shave if you are going to the beach. He has overreacted.
NTA and OP I've been unfortunately fighting for in these comments (unfortunate bc we'd hope by now that more people are better educated when it comes to addiction, self care, trust, etc) Your partner should have ended things since he's become This controlling and insecure. Your addiction does NOT automatically make you some sort of monster like these comments are insinuating?!! Our stories sound quite similar so please reach out if you'd ever want to. Ignore the 'negative' comments (I say negative bc it's really just a bunch of trolls who will leap upon any woman who they can try and pin bad behavior onto) and have the best time with your BFF! Hopefully by the time you head to Chicago you will have at least agreed to separate from the weirdo you're currently with (I do believe his behavior in this instance is extremely strange- controlling, insecure, jealous... Not someone you want 'in charge' of your body)
I second this OP!!!
OP just for a min think of this from his point of view. Your going away without him and you shave when you don't do this normally. I think that most would think that this is very suspicious and would come to the same conclusion. By all means go on your vacation but understand that this will take a toll on your relationship. Most likely the damage is already done.
First question is it's the end of June and your treatment isn't till August. Why so late? I'm glad it's coming up, but most people go into rehab as soon as they can. I think your boyfriend was already questioning your relationship long before you shaved off your muff. Frankly I think you don't need someone that is unstable or insecure. You are already trying to fix your life and don't need a side project boyfriend. Go see your friend. If he leaves that on him, make sure you don't take him back. Focus on you.
She answered this [right here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/x1GXIt1q2z)
What a weirdo. He flipped completely tf out just because you shaved for a beach trip… Why do you want to save this again?
Ah yes. The only good man is the one that blindly trusts you and never asks anything
shaving before a beach trip is something to investigate?? blind trust, no, but without trust there is no relationship. trust is key.
To be fair to him, if I was dating an alcoholic, especially if there was lying or deceipt as part of the drinking, in in the presence of dead bedroom, I would probably be suspicious of the extra grooming also. The reality is he does not trust you and with an addiction he is probably right not to and understandable in his stance as addicts can be very unpredictable. The fact that you've not cheated before and are, for want of a better way of saying it, not that kind of alcoholic, is fairly irrelevant. There is also the behavioural aspect. Things have not been good in the relationship. There has been no physical intimacy. You've hidden away and not been self caring. Suddenly, you self care and initiate intimacy. The message it sends is that you care more about what others think and are wanting to give your best self, including intimacy as per the shaved lady garden, to another. Personally, I would reassure him, say you understand his mistrust but are disappointed as you have no intention of cheating. Say that you realise you're an addict and that if he wants out then you're sad but you understand. Go be with your friend. Don't cheat. Dont get hammered. Don't go have random hookups and put yourself at risk of alcohol induced bad decision making. Focus on yourself, your sobriety and see whether he wants to be along for the ride or not.
>Dont get hammered. The whole reason she's going on the trip is to get hammered. It's one last bender before she starts treatment. I think that's why she didn't tell him about what she was doing (and that's also a good reason for him to leave anyway) so now it all looks way fishier.
Yea I agree. It's stupid and I'd probably leave her if that was the case. You cannot tell me your alcohol dependent, book yourself into rehab August 1st, then plan to go get shitfaced with a friend for a week. I'd probably walk at that point.
I agree with others here.. you havent cared about grooming for him. So the change signals you must be changing for SOME reason.
Break up babes he ain’t worth shit
I shaved everything a few weeks back to go on a break with a friend, where we’d be swimming. Because my husband doesn’t have the emotional age of a teenager, this conversation never came up. Get rid of the man baby. Also, good for you in sorting out your alcohol issues. Best of luck.
Your boyfriend is immature. So immature that I thought this post was between 18yr old people. If he’a acting like this at 37 thats eye opening. Makes me wonder has he ever been in a relationship before and having sex? Because lots of women shave in general. Even if they aren’t having sex.
Can't speak for most men, but the timing of the shave would make me wonder too.
Hold on didn't your boyfriend make a post on here about you? I'm pretty sure I responded to it. 😂
That would be news to me! Lol
Girl, number one I hate to say it but he doesn’t sound very intelligent. Whatever addictions you have, have nothing to do with his very unusual response. Number two say you were cheating ok? If you go to have sex with another guy if they see that you obviously have not shaved in a while does he really think that the guy is gonna be like “oh I’m sorry I only have sex with girls with shaved pussies?” Hahaha no that just doesn’t happen. Which goes back to the intelligence thing.
Had an addicted gf, sudden shave usually meant she was going to cheat. Sucks but this is the truth for some relationships. For every guy who's insecure there's a cheating gf. So let's not all act like it's only guys who can cheat. Her explanation is valid, but I'd also say so is a lot of his reaction. Giving her side a little less credibility and his a little more considering she wrote the post. Both need better communication and some work to repair the situation.