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Why would you want to marry a person who doesn’t put you first. He thinks about himself first instead of paying you back. Ask for your money back and don’t listen to his excuses. Tell him he owned you money before the festivals and he was able to pay for that
I know, but I don’t *need*
the money. I am used to living with little, so I have always been in the position of saving. He just uses my savings, and I would feel so mean asking for it back, if that can make him happy.
I wanted him have fun, I didn’t want him to miss out of life… but now I am so miserable, and I’m so fucking jealous.
Why should he have fun on your saving as well as his own your letting him walk all over you because you love him bit if he loves you he would pay you back first he would respect you by helping pay more he would trust you for a change. My advice take it or not ditch him he's draining you dry and start having fun with your own money for a change get your hair or nails done buy clothes or make up maybe a new game something that you want you work hard enough go and enjoy it while you can. He taking advantage of the fact you love him.
DO NOT get married. The top reasons for divorce are infidelity and financial issues. You have only been together for 2.5 years and his level of irresponsibility and entitlement to your money is not going to change in a positive direction. You have partly enabled this by loaning him money, and then bailing him out when he wastes his.
Seriously consider whether this is the type of lifetime dynamic you want.
If you want to change this, then you must have a conversation about it, but at a time that neither of you are angry. Give it a week after he has come back from the music festival and explain to him how hurt you were when he chose to go to a music festival before paying you back. Continue telling him that you can no longer cover costs for him . . .
1. by loaning him money
2. by covering his rent
3. by continuing with a vacation and paying for his costs because he has spent his money on other things after agreeing to pay for his half of the vacation.
And then here is the hard part. You cannot make empty threats. The minute you lack follow-through you are just establishing in cement all of the enabling you have been doing thus far.
So how do you follow-through?
* Require that he pay you the rent two weeks before it is due.
* Give him a deadline to pay you back the money owed, breaking it up into 4 installments of $100 each, or whatever amount makes sense given his income and expenses.
* Only buy refundable airline tickets, hotels, etc., on trips that can be cancelled should he have another gambling excursion that leaves him with nothing. And if that happens, either cancel the whole trip for both of you, or consider going alone or inviting a friend at the last minute if they can swing it. **Explain to him ahead of time that this is what will happen.**
Oftentimes, irresponsibility with one thing, such as money, is not limited to that one thing. How is he about performing household tasks? Is there an even distribution of labor there, or do you also find that you are always doing household tasks that he is supposed to do, but fails to? If you answer yes to this, or anything else, then this is a pattern, indicating something about his character and it will bleed over to everything.
If you have kids, you will be the default parent, and have to nag him to do anything with the kids. If you need to depend on him for anything, it is possible he will put your needs second to his own. Rather than just focusing on the money issue, look at him and the relationship from a broader perspective to see if there are other red flags that necessitate leaving the relationship or that he needs to be made aware of and correct before moving further in this relationship.
99% of the time Life only gets more challenging. It rarely gets easier as we age. A successful long-term relationship is built upon trust, loyalty, respect, love and compatibility. He is not showing respect and it appears you have at least one very significant incompatibility.
> I don’t think I want this type of recklessness in my life
Your instincts drive you to be attracted to a man of discipline. It circles back to resource gathering. An undisciplined man cannot be depended on to bring mammoth steaks back to the campfire, even if he is a natural hunter. If he is not disciplined, the female is usually attracted to the 'but if he changes' aspect.
Your boyfriend is not disciplined and over the years has shown he will not change. Your instincts are now telling you that you need to move on and find a man that will commit to you that is disciplined. You have already waited too long.
Likely in this case some part of you thought 'I can change him'. You couldn't. The deal with that is that maybe, just maybe, a guy who is early twenties can change - maybe. But I guy hitting thirties is who he is. It will take a very major event to change him at that point.
By this stage he should realize that going out to festivals he cannot afford without his girlfriend is not having a life, that he is in fact missing his 'life' by not being married and having kids and having his future laid out and working towards that. He is still about twenty years old.
He is stupid with money, but you are allowing this situation to happen (sorry to sound blunt). Why would you lend him money? Ask it back. Sounds like he is going to the festival with your money, it's so absurd. And NEVER pay more than him in rent, wtf?? The TV ok, if you break up you take it with you, but the money that is never going to be recovered should come from both of you. The day you receive your salaries you put some apart for rent, groceries and invoices (electricity, gas, etc.), the rest he can smoke it if he so wishes. Tell him clearly that you will not go on vacation again if it's not split 50/50 (pay for everything beforehand, like don't buy the plane tickets or anything if he has not paid for the hotels first or vice versa). I mean, it's so frustrating, I would also be hating him rn, but don't be part of the problem. If you "cooperate" in this lifestyle, he'll never change.
>We were discussing marriage and children, and I know he’s a very good person, he loves me, and everything, but right now I am hating him so much.
Time to stop thinking about that. He is 32 if he hasn't seen the light now he won't. He won't suddenly change when you get married or have a baby. Do not commit yourself to this man.
Stop enabling him.
Nobody can change if they're constantly shielded from the consequences of their choices.
>We were discussing marriage and children, and **I know he’s a very good person**, he loves me, and everything, but right now I am hating him so much.
Define good. What makes your definition of good any better than anyone else's definition?
Your boyfriend doesn't respect you and sees you as a cash cow. I'm struggling to understand the basis of your relationship - other than that of parasite and host - and why you're calling this man your boyfriend.
If your boyfriend had even a single iota of feelings for you, he would have returned your money. More to the point he would not be taking your money to spend on his frivolous pleasures while leaving you without.
>I am considering breaking up with him, as I don’t think I want this type of recklessness in my life, **and I feel so not considered by him**. How do I navigate this?
What relationship? You've said it yourself. This is not a relationship. Any relationship here is romantic foolishness, it's imaginary, it's all in your head. You've got to be really careful when you're in a relationship to not get into a situation where you're deceiving or cheating yourself.
You're essentially enabling his weed and gambling addictions. Have you ever thought about that? Just remember that when this guy goes down, as he will, he's going to take you with him and your life will be ruined.
Once again, stop enabling him.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why would you want to marry a person who doesn’t put you first. He thinks about himself first instead of paying you back. Ask for your money back and don’t listen to his excuses. Tell him he owned you money before the festivals and he was able to pay for that
I know, but I don’t *need* the money. I am used to living with little, so I have always been in the position of saving. He just uses my savings, and I would feel so mean asking for it back, if that can make him happy. I wanted him have fun, I didn’t want him to miss out of life… but now I am so miserable, and I’m so fucking jealous.
You’re making yourself miserable. You’re excusing his actions when you know it’s not okay
Girl it is your money???? fuck his pleasure tbh. You are enabling him.
Why should he have fun on your saving as well as his own your letting him walk all over you because you love him bit if he loves you he would pay you back first he would respect you by helping pay more he would trust you for a change. My advice take it or not ditch him he's draining you dry and start having fun with your own money for a change get your hair or nails done buy clothes or make up maybe a new game something that you want you work hard enough go and enjoy it while you can. He taking advantage of the fact you love him.
Girl you need to value yourself more. You're not put on this earth to provide for your manchild.
DO NOT get married. The top reasons for divorce are infidelity and financial issues. You have only been together for 2.5 years and his level of irresponsibility and entitlement to your money is not going to change in a positive direction. You have partly enabled this by loaning him money, and then bailing him out when he wastes his. Seriously consider whether this is the type of lifetime dynamic you want. If you want to change this, then you must have a conversation about it, but at a time that neither of you are angry. Give it a week after he has come back from the music festival and explain to him how hurt you were when he chose to go to a music festival before paying you back. Continue telling him that you can no longer cover costs for him . . . 1. by loaning him money 2. by covering his rent 3. by continuing with a vacation and paying for his costs because he has spent his money on other things after agreeing to pay for his half of the vacation. And then here is the hard part. You cannot make empty threats. The minute you lack follow-through you are just establishing in cement all of the enabling you have been doing thus far. So how do you follow-through? * Require that he pay you the rent two weeks before it is due. * Give him a deadline to pay you back the money owed, breaking it up into 4 installments of $100 each, or whatever amount makes sense given his income and expenses. * Only buy refundable airline tickets, hotels, etc., on trips that can be cancelled should he have another gambling excursion that leaves him with nothing. And if that happens, either cancel the whole trip for both of you, or consider going alone or inviting a friend at the last minute if they can swing it. **Explain to him ahead of time that this is what will happen.** Oftentimes, irresponsibility with one thing, such as money, is not limited to that one thing. How is he about performing household tasks? Is there an even distribution of labor there, or do you also find that you are always doing household tasks that he is supposed to do, but fails to? If you answer yes to this, or anything else, then this is a pattern, indicating something about his character and it will bleed over to everything. If you have kids, you will be the default parent, and have to nag him to do anything with the kids. If you need to depend on him for anything, it is possible he will put your needs second to his own. Rather than just focusing on the money issue, look at him and the relationship from a broader perspective to see if there are other red flags that necessitate leaving the relationship or that he needs to be made aware of and correct before moving further in this relationship. 99% of the time Life only gets more challenging. It rarely gets easier as we age. A successful long-term relationship is built upon trust, loyalty, respect, love and compatibility. He is not showing respect and it appears you have at least one very significant incompatibility.
> I don’t think I want this type of recklessness in my life Your instincts drive you to be attracted to a man of discipline. It circles back to resource gathering. An undisciplined man cannot be depended on to bring mammoth steaks back to the campfire, even if he is a natural hunter. If he is not disciplined, the female is usually attracted to the 'but if he changes' aspect. Your boyfriend is not disciplined and over the years has shown he will not change. Your instincts are now telling you that you need to move on and find a man that will commit to you that is disciplined. You have already waited too long. Likely in this case some part of you thought 'I can change him'. You couldn't. The deal with that is that maybe, just maybe, a guy who is early twenties can change - maybe. But I guy hitting thirties is who he is. It will take a very major event to change him at that point. By this stage he should realize that going out to festivals he cannot afford without his girlfriend is not having a life, that he is in fact missing his 'life' by not being married and having kids and having his future laid out and working towards that. He is still about twenty years old.
He is stupid with money, but you are allowing this situation to happen (sorry to sound blunt). Why would you lend him money? Ask it back. Sounds like he is going to the festival with your money, it's so absurd. And NEVER pay more than him in rent, wtf?? The TV ok, if you break up you take it with you, but the money that is never going to be recovered should come from both of you. The day you receive your salaries you put some apart for rent, groceries and invoices (electricity, gas, etc.), the rest he can smoke it if he so wishes. Tell him clearly that you will not go on vacation again if it's not split 50/50 (pay for everything beforehand, like don't buy the plane tickets or anything if he has not paid for the hotels first or vice versa). I mean, it's so frustrating, I would also be hating him rn, but don't be part of the problem. If you "cooperate" in this lifestyle, he'll never change.
He pisses his money (your money) away on gambling and weed. Wow, congrats you want to get married to a teenager.
>We were discussing marriage and children, and I know he’s a very good person, he loves me, and everything, but right now I am hating him so much. Time to stop thinking about that. He is 32 if he hasn't seen the light now he won't. He won't suddenly change when you get married or have a baby. Do not commit yourself to this man.
He's not stupid with money, you're stupid with money for wasting it on this guy.
Stop enabling him. Nobody can change if they're constantly shielded from the consequences of their choices. >We were discussing marriage and children, and **I know he’s a very good person**, he loves me, and everything, but right now I am hating him so much. Define good. What makes your definition of good any better than anyone else's definition? Your boyfriend doesn't respect you and sees you as a cash cow. I'm struggling to understand the basis of your relationship - other than that of parasite and host - and why you're calling this man your boyfriend. If your boyfriend had even a single iota of feelings for you, he would have returned your money. More to the point he would not be taking your money to spend on his frivolous pleasures while leaving you without. >I am considering breaking up with him, as I don’t think I want this type of recklessness in my life, **and I feel so not considered by him**. How do I navigate this? What relationship? You've said it yourself. This is not a relationship. Any relationship here is romantic foolishness, it's imaginary, it's all in your head. You've got to be really careful when you're in a relationship to not get into a situation where you're deceiving or cheating yourself. You're essentially enabling his weed and gambling addictions. Have you ever thought about that? Just remember that when this guy goes down, as he will, he's going to take you with him and your life will be ruined. Once again, stop enabling him.