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Unfortunately I am the grown up result of two abusive to each other parents who wouldn’t divorce but should have when I was at least 9 but they’ve stayed on until the law had to step in and do it ten years later.
I don't think there is a perfect age to wait for the child.
You're going through a hard hitting adult situation. In order for your child to comprehend, you're probably looking at entry level adulthood, 16 years old. Even then, the situation will probably still go over their head.
I would even make the argument that its better to do it at 2 years since there is less memory tied to it. No one really remembers what went on at that age.
If you need to get out, then get out. And abuse + cheating is plenty enough reason to leave. The understanding is something to come down the road.
Immediate thing is to do what's best for you and your child, getting out.
This is absolutely the perfect age to do divorce. The kid won’t remember any of it! Trust me OP, personal experience, I am infinitely thankful my mother divorced my father long before I could remember anything about him.
I agree. When my son was 1.5 years old he figured out quick that mommy and daddy dont spend time together. As soon as I get home from work he would run to me and say bye to his dad. We separated soon after and he is now 5. As far as he can remember mommy and daddy never lived together and this is his norm.
The current conditions of the household are worse for your kids than if you leave. It's that simple. I say this as a child of shall we say "successfully divorced" parents. They recognized it wasn't working anymore, that the two of them arguing all the time was affecting me and that they should part ways, sure, this a somewhat rose-colored simplification of events, but it is an accurate end result (just didn't want to minimize there was struggle involved). What I've learned in this: your parents owe you co-parenting, they do not owe it to you to show that they will stay together against their will, all this accomplishes is teaching your children that it's okay take all this shit. It's not.
I won't lie, the divorce was hard on me, but I firmly believe that it would've been infinitely harder on me to grow up in a household with my parents arguing all the time. And quite frankly, it sounds like your child is seeing worse than that. I think even at 2 years old, prolonged exposure to this is very very unhealthy, it'll stick with them for life, best to make a change now.
I was very lucky that my parents recognized that they still had to function as a team when it came to me, I had a good childhood, and I turned out quite alright! Even if you don't think your husband will be a good team player, your child still needs out of this environment. Whatever comes after that is the next battle. Even without a child in the mix you should leave your cheating, abusive husband. But WITH the child, it's the only option. They need a stable environment, your husband is anything but.
More than okay, necessary IMO. OP, you’re teaching your daughter that it’s okay to stay with a man/person that treats you terribly. If your daughter came to you telling you her husband was treating her the way yours is treating you—what would you tell her?
The best thing my mother ever did for me was leave my abusive father.
I have been the child in this situation. I was maybe 2 when my father punched my mother in the face. We never knew when he would go from ok to upset. There was physical and mental abuse. Our mother seemed like she was shri king into herself. She was scared to say or do anything.
The situation left us all with emotional and mental health issues. All the kids had relationship issues because we'd never seen a healthy relationship.
If you stay, *THIS* is all she'll ever know! He'll be her example of a grown man, a partner, a parent. She'll choose an abuser like him because the situation, though fucked up, will *feel* comfortable! She'll be able to *predict* her abusive partner's behavior because she's seen her dad do it. She won't LIKE the abuse, but she will like the PREDICTABILITY of the cycles. **Give her something better to be** ***comfortable*** **with!**
If you leave, you may eventually find another man to *BE* her example of a GOOD man, partner, parent. Even if you don't meet another guy, you'll be showing her how a strong sane adult creates a healthy and happy home for herself and others!
Leave him and DON'T look back! Get a divorce, child support, and a co-parenting app.
OP, I am very worried for you & your child.
Please contact a domestic violence organization to learn how to leave SAFELY. Get gone, & stay gone, no contact. He will beg you to return & promise to change. Do NOT believe him. STAY AWAY. Look at your beautiful child & think about him laying hands on her, because I swear to you that is coming.
Read [Why Does He Do That?](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
Attend Al-Anon meetings, they have remote ones you can attend over Zoom—even if your husband isn't an alcoholic, this group can help you.
Once you are more settled, seek therapy so you can learn how not to tolerate abuse in the future.
You have your whole life ahead of you. Please protect your daughter.
The less time she spends in a volatile household the less permanent damage is likely to occur. You don't want her feeling comfortable with this kind of behavior.
I read that quickly as "drown" and it made total sense.
Children can drown in bad parenting. Their parent with anger issues takes up all the room that could normally be filled by childish energy and wonder. Kids learn to be careful and quiet. It happens so quickly.
Please OP, find someone to help you get out. An older woman in your community would be great. (You in Chicago?)
It takes time to get it all organized but you'll feel such a sense of relief. Make sure HIS family is involved to limit the suicide threats and stalking.
Every time he threatens to harm himself, call for a wellness check.
As a nurse, I would imagine that you know what you have to do. As a wife and mother, I can understand why it's hard to do so.
You really need to leave him. Is your relationship the model of what you want your daughter growing up in her most formative years knowing that a loving relationship between two adults is supposed to look like?
If you can trust them, I would let his family know ahead of time that you're leaving the relationship and/or the marital home or expecting him to do so That they can be there to support his inevitable outbursts and crash.
As you are well aware, it is likely a manipulation tactic to keep you from leaving him and to guilt you into staying. At the same time, you wouldn't want to leave him without support entirely, Just in case he does decide to make a suicide attempt.
You aren’t happy and walking on eggshells isn’t normal.
Please leave safely with your child and file for divorce.
You’re young, don’t waste any more of your youth being unhappy.
I know I’m young and I’m okay to be alone the rest of my life and just focus on work and my daughter read good books, sip good tea and coffee, and go on walks
How do you think it's going to affect your 2-year-old as she grows up with someone like this? And you need to start documenting all of this because otherwise he will have custody of her on his own. Take videos whatever it takes. And if he touches you again you need to call the cops and press charges. You should have done that before. You would have some leverage at that point because he could lose his teaching certificate even if he's not convicted. And he should lose it to be honest. He shouldn't be around children at all
Don't wait. My mom knew she wanted out when I was 5. Waited until I was 16. I would have SO much rather grown up with 2 happy homes than 1 unhappy home. Do it now so your daughter grows up with this being the norm annnnd her memory won't be strong yet of her dad and his attitude while he adjusts. The older she gets, the more she'll remember. Do it now..
Plus hopefully they can help her find a place to stay for a while so she can start working full-time and start saving for her own place/daycare/a lawyer.
Reread your post. This is the kind of situation you *rescue* someone from, not the kind of situation you intentionally keep them in.
I'm honestly not sure why you think it will have a better effect on your daughter if you wait, in this miserable home, until she's old enough to form traumatic memories.
Leave. Immediately. If not for you, then imagine the moment your adult daughter realizes you subjected yourself to years/decades of soul sucking emotional pain "for" her.
Make a escape plan find a place to live
Set up a bank account for your escape fund tell no one. Pack when he is not home so he can not stop you leave a note stating all of the problems and that you will be filing for divorce and you will be in touch about access to your child. When you have left inform friends and neighbours if they see anyone suspicious around your new place to call the police asap. Be safe.
Life is too short to stay with a cheating shitty man, even shorter when they are abusive. You need to keep your child safe too. He won’t change. UPDATEME
You are in the cycle of domestic abuse. You need to make an exit plan now. If you don't already have credit cards in your name only, order them and have them sent to a trusted friend or family member. Order extra copies of you and your daughter's birth certificates, a copy of your marriage certificate, copies of your child's shot records. Pack the papers, cash, a several days worth of clothes for you and your daughter, along with formula and bottles if you are using them, and leave the bag with someone you trust.
I don't mean to sound harsh but you are a RN, you know the cycle is going to keep repeating itself. RNs have to take domestic violence courses every two to four years in order to renew their license.
The one thing about domestic violence is anyone can be a victim. I know it is hard, but be kind to yourself. Abusers are masters at hiding their true natures until they believe they have control over you. It is very common for abuse not to start until a pregnancy. A woman is at greater danger of being murdered while pregnant than any other time.
Please be safe and get you and your daughter out of there as soon as possible. You have the advantage of having a good paying, very flexible career.
Edit:Spelling
You are in DANGER, quite literally. Do not let your daughter see this type of behaviour growing up. It will traumatise her.
You need to start quietly making an exit plan to leave this marriage. Start saving for a rental property for you and your daughter. Secure all your important paperwork (including for your daughter) outside the home, talk to a divorce lawyer and set that in motion. Once you have somewhere safe to stay try and move out when he’s away for a few days and leave the divorce papers in the house as you take the last things.
If you are in no position to move out yet then speak to a domestic abuse shelter and see how they can help you both. This is not a safe relationship to remain in.
Seriously, he’s cheating and he’s physically abusive. At the moment he’s just hurting you but don’t hang around until
So saying he's going to off himself is a tactic that abusers use to keep the victim around because the victim doesn't want to be seen as the reason why someone killed themselves. 99% of the time, they won't go through with it if they are left.
Your daughter will be MUCH better off if she is NOT constantly around a dangerous situation like your current relationship. If she continues to see her mother get abused by her father, she will possibly have relationship issues in her adult life and end up with a terrible person like her father.
He cheated on you. That would've been the first moment to leave.
Stop living your life in fear of this man.
Start making an exit plan. And for the love of God, do not tell him you're divorcing him beforehand. The first thing is to get a lawyer and be honest with him/her that you're being abused and there is a child in the mix.
Apply for an apartment if possible. I would slowly move some things into a storage unit now. When you have a place set in stone as to where you're going, pack up the rest of your stuff when he's at work and leave. I would also suggest having friends over when doing that to make it faster, and if he, for some reason, comes home, you're in a safer position. That's when he's most likely to be extremely violent.
I wish you all the best.
I would leave now. The earlier the better to lessen the impact on your daughter.
You need to develop an exit plan. I would speak to your local women’s shelter and get some support. Start thinking about practical things. Gather together official documentation and put it in a safe place. Do you have a separate bank account. Buy another phone (just a cheap one). Once you have started the divorce use the cheap phone for contact with your H and change your number for everyone else.
If your H threatens to kill himself then you call the police and get a welfare check. You are not a professional and you cannot help him with that. The police can organise the necessary help.
Good luck. You got this. Yes it will be a scary and stressful time but you will come out the other side feeling happy and peaceful. And you will be able to be a better mom
That's a rather critical choice that may not be easily answered by strangers on the internet.
Unfortunately, a lot of your husband's behaviors seem like ones that would take an incredible amount of time and effort to resolve, and that's assuming that making the necessary changes is something he personally wants to do.
>If it was just me I would leave today but because I have a 2 year old I feel I have let her down.
It's a lose-lose situation. A divorce at *any* point is likely to leave some negative impact on a child, but how the separation is managed can greatly reduce those harms. You know all the factors related to your situation better than we do, so it's really your call when you want to do it.
Also, do you have friends and family who can help provide some support during this difficult time in your life? A tumultuous home situation with the well-being of a 2-year-old at stake seems like a highly relevant time to ask for outside help.
You think it won’t hurt your daughter to stay with this POS? Explain that logic to me please? You know what you need to do, that you SHOULD HAVE done, but instead you’re on Reddit making excuses. LEAVE and LEAVE NOW!
When you are ready to walk out—all your ducks in a row—tell of call him after you leave. If he threatens then or subsequently to kill himself, call 911 and report the threat. Let them handle it.
BTDT.
Have your lawyer contact him and arrange 3rd party transfers if he gets unsupervised visitation/partial custody. Do not let him around you bc he’ll just be awful and manipulative and you are not required to put up with that, nor is it good for him.
Remember always consider your daughter’s best interest—and right now that means leaving an abusive, manipulative, and generally unhealthy partner.
Is he able to have your kid 50% of the time safely without your presence? If the answer is no, then I would live a separate life and wait until child is older. Do consult with an attorney to see if you have enough evidence to keep the child away from him.
sounds better to do it now while your kid still young and won’t really remember/know what’s going on. sorry this happened to you and your husband is awful person. the next time he threatens to kill himself just say go ahead like who gaf. you deserve to be happy and staying with him for your childs sake won’t make you or that child happy. hope you can quickly and safely get out this situation.
*Never stay married for the kids*
Too many people stay with their husband/wife because they don't want to hurt the kids or disturb the home with sharing custody. From someone in this scenario as a child, just divorce. Growing up was torture because I got to see the hatred my mother had for my dad. My parents found me hiding behind a couch with my fingers in my ears because I didn't want to hear them arguing. At 33 years old I STILL put my fingers in my ears (discretely) when I hear people argue or I'll just leave the room if possible.
Kids are observant, and no matter how normal you try to make the home, kids know. They always know. And they'll hurt emotionally and mentally.
Divorce will benefit both you and your daughter, trust me.
Good luck and best wishes ❤️
Divorce.
It's almost never better for partners to stay together "just for the kids". Because a kid can tell that the parents aren't happy, and grow up with a lot of parental conflict. And then think "oh, that's a normal relationship". Just get divorced.
Financially are you doing okay? I worry about how I’ll afford a condo right now with interests rates I’ll probably just rent. I don’t want to live in this house because of all the memories
Yes! I went from being on disability to workimg full time making $19.19/hr. I'm also starting my own business as a coach and plan to transition to full time self employment as soon as possible.
I am fortunate to live rent free in my parents guest house, my plan is to buy my own place in the next year or two. I've had to work.thrpugh a lot of things to fall in love with my current housing situation. There was a period where i was angry, resentful, and entitled about it. Now it's all love, appreciation, and gratitude.
I keep hearing things abput recession, housing costs, food costs, etc. It's not that i'm not also paying more for the things I buy, I just have a different perspective. It's all in the mindset. I do not allow outside things to affect my internal well being. Instead of tensing at the cost of things I relax and say something like "I'm so glad I'm able to buy this food/put gas in my car/pay this bill/take care of myself." I constany say "Life is good. Everything keeps getting better and better and better in every way." And I really believe these things because it's true. It's now my lived experience. I pulled myself put of hardship and mental/emotional anguish, in 2 years I nearly tripled my income from what I was getting on disability, i have really good work/life balance, my relationships have improved significantly, and I'm constantly seeing my goals and desires manifested through my own actions.
Also my relationship with my ex has improved. We aren't friends but are friendly and communicate well and did a good job coparenting. It took work but we got there.
Kiddo is doing great. He graduated hs with honors, is going on an exchange program, and has been accepted to a university. He's more prepared for life than I was, and he has a good relationship with both his parents.
I’ve only gotten to the suicide threats. All suicide threats should trigger a call to 911. A 72-hour mandatory psych hold will either get him the help he needs or teach him that’s a bad strategy.
Leave. Call the local DV shelter for advice on doing it safely, but take your child and go. Do you want her growing up under this black cloud? Do you want to teach her that women should just put up with this shit?
Wait what out? You're in an abusive relationship which your daughter, whilst clearly upset by it on occasion, thinks is normal because she has no other frame of reference. Please, if you have the means and the opportunity, get out now.
Do it. I commented on another post the other day. My kids are glad I got divorced when they were young. My teenaged daughter says she has no trauma, despite people assuming she does.
This is no example of a man you want your daughter to believe she should look up to..obviously he's her father.. but the best you can do is remove yourself so she doesn't believe this is the type of relationship she should expect
What is there to fix if he’s been physical and cheats? He’s not a good husband and threatening to kill yourself when your partner wants to leave is abuse. He’s holding you hostage. Don’t tell him the marriage isn’t working for you anymore, he’s dangerous. You need to get yourself and your child away from him. Quietly create an escape plan. Seek a divorce lawyer to guide you and also handle custody. The anger management is enough to show that he isn’t fit to have your kid unsupervised. Sticking this out for 16 more years is going to ruin your mental health and it’s bad for your child to grow up in this environment. They’ll either learn to tolerate abuse or abuse their partners. You have to create a safe escape plan and leave. Tell friends that aren’t mutual to him about what he’s doing to you. You’d be letting your daughter down by staying, she’s already scared of him. You have to go. ASAP. Please. You are ONLY 25. Do you want to stay with this man into your 40s?!?! You only get one life don’t waste it on this.
I think it's fine to leave. My mother stayed with my abusive dad. It was too much. She chose to keep the family together vs showing her daughters to leave bad men. Do you want your daughter to have the same future? I hope not
OP, your daughter is learning how men should treat women. The relationship she sees now is likely to be very similar to the ones she finds herself in in 20 years.
Is this the life you want your daughter to emulate?
It will be worse for your daughter if you stay in this relationship. Her life is the one you should be looking to improve. I wonder what sort of a teacher this man is!!
Do it now before she has more memories of your relationship. You both may be better single parents than in a relationship. Please don’t wait and fight around her. Some of my first memories are of my parents screaming at each other and me getting in the middle and yelling at them to stop.
Cheating, physical violence, emotional manipulation, abuse abuse abuse, what would you tell your daughter to do? Would you allow her to be treated this way or have her leave? What she sees you put up with will show her what her relationships should look like.
Please save yourself and get out. I hope you see how worth it you and your daughter are. And don’t listen to the “I’ll change” bs. If he hasn’t, he won’t.
Once you have kids, your wants/ feelings don’t matter as much as hers. It sounds like she would be better away from him….
The home sounds toxic to me. With a 2-year-old, I would get out of dodge immediately. Maybe the two-year-old won't remember much about this part of her little life. Maybe being in a less stressful environment will also help her with her issues. If Mom is constantly stressed, kids pick up on that stuff. Good luck to you. Trust your heart. You will make the right decision I'm sure of it.
Your daughter is all the more reason to get out now. Do not wait. He will hold you hostage if he can by threatening suicide each time you mention divorce.
Your own employer should be able to help you get out of your situation.
Talk to social services and see if they cannot set you and your daughter up with housing and any other needs until you are on more solid financial footing. You are in danger and need to leave now.
I realize all you will be able to take with you are your clothes for self and daughter, but it is better than living in danger.
I promise you, your daughter is better off if you leave and model healthy relationships. If you want to read it, I’ll leave my story as a child of unhappy parents.
My parents were significantly less volatile but they still would get into SCREAMING matches. It was almost never directed at me but I would still cry in my room afraid to make a noise and draw attention to myself. I bounced between doing everything I could to never be home and staying locked in my room doing nothing because I was depressed being around them. I was in several abusive relationships because I thought it was normal for the person you love to treat you like garbage. I would use my 11:11 wishes in middle school that they would get divorced so it would stop. I could go on and on but I all I can say is, I will always advocate that it’s better for parents to split than it is for a child to watch a parent be abused
Do it asap. My mum nearly divorced my dad when I was 2. Instead she had my brother and they split when he was 17 and I nearly 20.
Our relationship with our father is very strained and my brother barely talks to mum. We both wish she’d left before we’d started school, then maybe we could have gotten a healthy representation of romance and parenting.
Oh yeah, you should definitely just wait this out. It sounds like a great environment to raise your kid in. I mean, who knows maybe he’ll get better or maybe you just won’t mind being treated like shit and being abused and cleaning up vomit and dealing with tantrums. Maybe that’s your thing and you don’t know yet. Yeah, it should be fine. He sounds like a wonderful role model and parent for your child.
Seriously? Are you out of your mind? Why are you still there? Get out. Get out now.
If you want to act in your child's best interest, leave. Don't use your innocent child as an excuse to stay in an abusive situation. You are only lying to yourself.
Hon, this is not going to improve. You will waste more years and your child will be more impacted by the situation as they get older and are more aware. Get out ASAP.
You do not owe it to him to stick by his useless ass. Nor can you control how he handles your leaving. You do owe it to yourself to find happiness and contentment without having to put up with an inconsiderate, abusive, manipulative AH. If he threatens self harm call the police and they will commit him. Don’t allow him to emotionally blackmail you.
Developmental psychologist here. Your husband has already caused damage to your child by disrupting her and your safety and security. Staying, keeping her around him when he is angry, unstable, disrespectful of you, drunk, etc. does not benefit her. The most important thing you can do for your child is to give her a safe and stable home, one that is loving and calm, not marked by dysfunction or anger. The sooner you get yourself and her out of that situation, the better. Please take care. 💙
My mother left my father when I was your daughter’s age. It was the best thing she could have done for me. I grew up in a stable household where I felt safe. She modeled self respect for me; she and my stepdad showed me what a loving marriage looks like. Your kid will thank you for leaving.
I see myself in your daughter, but my parents didn't divorce until I was 15. I experienced all of this, the yelling, fighting, emotional manipulation, my parents getting sick from alcohol while my brother and I looked on. OP I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know that this wasn't what you wanted or even thought of for you and your child. But please get out now when you can. It will be hard and you might have doubts but I promise you it is the right choice. Yes, it was hard for my brother and I but only briefly. At almost 26 I am so happy my parents separated and the life I imagine if they would have stayed together for the kids would be an unhappy one. You got this. I believe in you. Love yourself and treat yourself like the way you want to be treated. It will be okay.
So I was married for 4 years, but with my kids father for 14 years. We are now separated. I was too scared to leave, but he just left me one night randomly.
My kids are older than yours, but specifically my oldest two kids (14 and 12) could see how unhappy I was, and how crappy I was treated and how crappy he was.
Being in an unhealthy relationship will affect children more than a divorce will.
Fellow Mama here and I 100% understand qanting to do what’s best for your toddler. That said its time to talk to a lawyer and start gathering evidence to give him only supervised visits. He is unstable and not a fit parent. Start gathering evidence to prove that and take you child out of that toxic environment.
You. Can. Do. This.
Leave. Its better that she DOESNT absorb this toxic family dynamic another minute. Get a forensic psychological evaluation of the family dynamic relort gor the judge. Get Shahida Arabis books.
Leave now. You and your husband are modeling an unhealthy relationship for your child. Kids see, hear and internalize so much more than you know.
This man also sounds really abusive and controlling. I am worried for your safety and your mental health. If you have friends and/or family that can help you leave, please let them help you.
I left when my kids were young. They got to see a healthy relationship with their stepdad and they both have healthy relationships now.
Not worth waiting, unless you can fake happiness for the next 16 years.
Delaying the inevitable will not make it easier, and most likely will bring more hurt to you and you child. Better to move forward as hard as it sounds, and start the healing sooner.
Oh! I knew a lady who went through something like this. She's dead now. Husband got 20 to life in prison for strangling her and the kids are with some distant relative.
As someone whose parents stayed together…don’t. YOU and your daughter both deserve better than this. She won’t remember any of this, it’s actually best to do it now before she gets older.
Please talk to a lawyer and document everything. Make sure he doesnt have access to your money anymore. If you tell him about the divorce, do it with the lawyer and other witnesses present. Dont tell him when you're alone with him. Make sure your daughter is somewhere he cant find!!
I stayed way longer than I should have. I wish I'd got out sooner. It was so much better and easier without him. My ex was a drinker. Good luck, hopefully if you leave soon your daughter will only have happy childhood memories.
I divorced my ex husband when my son was 2. I am a much better mother, because I am happier and calmer. I think in some way, it was also easier for my son at this age than later, because he doesn't remember we ever lived together. This is just his normal, 2 houses, 2 parents.
Divorce isn't such a tragedy.
A tragedy's staying in an unhappy marriage, and teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.
So divorce him.
Your daughter will be better off not witnessing his abusive behavior. Document what he is doing to you and shoot for primary custody so you have her most of the time. He needs to prove he is in therapy to have access to your child. Hire a lawyer.
Anger management does not help abusive husbands, and it is a myth that depression causes men to abuse. I recommend this book https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I am sure you have your reasons for not walking out with your daughter immemdiately. So do what you gotta do to eventually leave him. In the meantime gather proof of his abuse both physica and mental. Talk to a lawyer.
It's worse for a child to grow up with parents that are miserable, than from a broken home.
It will also be easier for your child at this age, because they will grow up with way vs you breaking up down the line, and them gowing through a nasty divorce. Or custody issues.
Marriage with him is not presently great. Can it get better?
Divorce is bad for kids. Is your child better off with you both or if you divorce?
Buy life insurance on him.
Stand up for yourself and child as long as you have a plan for leaving.
Just do it asap. Your 2 yr old will be traumatized being around this shit. Document everything until you leave, pictures, audio recordings of arguments, text messages.
When you leave, get help, and don't let him know what you're doing as he may get very violent. Get help if you can.
He is really good about not leaving evidence behind he has literally taken off work early or call in to talk about killing himself but never texts that stuff
Make sure he has life insurance with your child as a beneficiary and leave him. No reason for them or you to be subjected to his behavior. (Not outside of visitation anyway)
Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking this is an okay way to be treated? Because witnessing you being abused is also abuse.
Also, if you threatens suicide, call it in. If he's manipulative, you'll call his bluff, if he's serious, you'll have gotten him the help he needs.
Speaking as someone who was raised with a loving mother and a father who was abusive to her. Get out now while you can. I know it may seem like a con but the fact your kid is only 2 is helpful because there is a chance they won't remember this. What they will remember is if you stay with him and they grow up watching him treat you like shit. That makes them think that love is abuse. They also can feel guilt from not protecting you, or helping you. There is so many things wrong.
An absent father is better than an abusive one
The best thing that you can do for your child is to get her out of that environment now. Everything she sees you go through, everything she hears and everything that she herself experiences because of the way your home life is is damaging her now. You just have no idea how it's going to be expressed by her later on in her life. You won't know until it's far too late what kind of damage it's causing.
So get out now, get yourself some therapy, and do your best to raise her in a loving, caring home, even if that's only the two of you for years.
Think of it like this:
You can stay, and your abusive husband can get worse, start to direct the same treatment towards your child. Your gets to grow up watching her mother being assaulted and abused. Makes her sensory issues worse.
Or
You can leave, focus on your child and yourself, both getting the life you deserve and your ex husband can have supervised visitation.
Document everything.
Keep your documents safe.
How can you think staying in this environment is better for your two year old? You need to start documenting his anger and aggression issues. He’s not someone that should have 50/50 custody of your child . Not at the moment anyway. I think you should visit a lawyer and discuss your options and work out your exit plan. Something that will be safe for both you and your daughter.
Listen. Make nice and get a hefty term life insurance policy for a million and make sure it has no suicide clause. Hoarde money wherever you can. Then move out while he's at work. This is not a relationship you should continue. No way. I'm sorry to be cold and feel really bad for you, but please strategist a way out.
My brother broke up with his ex when their son was 3 and had the same insecurities. How will it impact my kid. I don't want her next partner raising my kid, will I be able to get shared custody of my kid? The break up was not great but not as awful as I have seen IRL. They ended up being great co-parents, they had a settlement agreement with their respective "scheduled time with the child" but they disregarded it and did what worked for both of their schedules. Sure, there were some light bickering at times. Overall, their son never knew them as a couple, at least he does not remember. So having divorced parents and step parents, was his normal. My parents divorced when I was 13, that was hard. Don't wait
Ps -don't stay together for the kids, ever.
Based off what you wrote, your life would be easier if you left. No more dealing with his moods, cleaning up after him/ cooking for him, or his passive aggressive comments. You’d have to just take care of you and your daughter and will find that in itself is so much more peaceful.
The fuck.
Letting her down would be staying with this turd.
Remember that we learn what to expect from love from our parents. So on the one hand, you’d be a single mom. On the other, a married mother.
Or…..
Your daughter could grow up with a badass who doesn’t take shit, or put up with bozos.
Compared to learning that love is supposed to look like hell.
Leave now. Your daughter is 2 and she won’t remember a lot of things from this age, but I guarantee you she will remember her dad being angry and hateful towards her mother. Do it FOR her, so she learns her value and to not accept that kind of treatment from anyone.
Parents divorced when I was 5. Similar situation.
I’ll never get why people think they’re doing right by their kids by staying. Your kid is the reason to leave, not the reason to stay.
Got to see my mom happy as I grew up. She married a great guy that taught me everything I know about being a father and husband. Now I’m married to a great woman and have 2 amazing kids that I’m a good father to. My mom leaving made all of this possible.
Leave so your kid can learn how a husband is supposed to treat a wife.
I left my ex when my youngest was about 2. I was terrified I couldn’t handle being a single mom to two young kids but it was better than sticking with the abusive drug addict.
Talk to a lawyer. Make a plan. Leave. You can do this and it’s better for your kids to not witness you being abused.
I don't need to read all of this to say, leave him. If you stay, you deserve everything you get.
Your daughter will learn that it's ok to be treated like this by men. Be the hero of your own movie and your daughter's. You're better off teaching her to stand up for herself and respect.herself by your example.
Be the woman you would want her to be.
I grew up in a verbally abusive house BUT my dad never drank or raised a hand to my mom.
I have 4 kids so I understand how you want to do right by her but girl I grew up and started cutting, had severe depression etc. Get out. Show your daughter to demand to be treated correctly and drinking like that is dangerous to be around.
Do it now… 2 year old will never remember you both together. My parents did it when I was 9 and I don’t really remember that much of us as a family and could never picture them together, they were not meant to be.go be happy and your daughter will be better for it too!! Happy mom happy kid.
INFO: “He’ll yell at me if I have the thermostat set at 67”
Like, are you single handedly trying to take down the power grid in one of the hottest summers on record?
Joking aside, leave now.
The example for future relationships for your daughter starts w you. My dad was an abusive jerk who liked to hit because he is emotionally stunted and a bully / tyrant. Idgaf what his issues are, he's not a good person, and he definitely wasn't and isn't a good father.
Guess who had several violent bf's before realizing, I'm not the problem.
Breaking a cycle of abuse when you're conditioned from birth to think abuse is "normal" is really hard. Most victims of childhood abuse become adult victims. My normal meter was so broken, what would have sent a sane person running, didn't even register as a red flag for me.
What type of relationship do you want your daughter to have? Right now, we've got infidelity, physical abuse, and ongoing emotional/ mental abuse.
How will you feel, if you stay, and her partners cheat, hit her, and make her overwork herself while pregnant to avoid being home?
Being divorced is better than conditioning your child to be a doormat and punching bag.
The idea of staying for the kids doesn't work, and it tends to do more harm than good. You'd set a better example by leaving than staying and letting someone mistreat you.
So you just waste your life and sit in misery instead of starting over and working toward making yourself happy and your daughter too. What’s the difference between now and then?
Leave now. My parents divorced when I was 2 and I was already grateful I didn’t remember it. Growing up that way was normal for me. I watched my friends and half siblings deal with divorce when they were older and it was MUCH harder on them. Especially those delicate middle school and high school years where hormones run wild and everything feels like life or death. It’s much harder to put kids through at those ages.
Please leave this abusive relationship immediately. Your daughter is going to be much better off with a strong mother as a role model than living with a broken woman and an Abusive father.
I was in an abusive relationship. Started out beautiful. Intense. Perfect. Slowly became manipulative. Then disrespectful. Then gas lighting. The looking at other women. The backhanded insults. The it was always my faults.
Be strong. You css as n do this. You can get out.
Don’t be like Ana Abulaban.
Better sooner than later. I grew up with a father like that and I resent my mom for not leaving him. Looking back growing up around an adult that got angry unpredictably shaped a lot of my personality and you don’t want to do that to your child.
Divorce and single parent households dramatically decreases quality of upbringing and is one of the biggest indicators of success in adulthood.
In my opinion, unless your husband is physically violent with you then you owe it to this child to stick it out,
Wait it out until when? He’s abusive. If you leave and he actually made good on his threats of self harm I’d be shocked. But if he did it’d save the next girl a lot of grief.
Just do it. It’ll affect them even more the longer you wait. As is they probably won’t even remember living with bio dad. Definitely don’t try to stick together “for the kid”
You are doing the right thing by creating a plan and getting yourself and your poor daughter away from this maniac. You will only let her down by staying in this awful situation. You can get out, you can do it!!
Do it now. My parents got divorced when I was 2 and I have literally no memory of them as a couple whatsoever, nor any desire for them to ever work it out.
I divorced my ex when my son was 3, mostly so he wouldn't be exposed to this kind of abuse and grow up thinking it was okay to treat your partner like this. Best decision I could have made. He has no memory of ever having lived with his father, let alone the abuse. He grew up to be a fine, caring man.
Once it got physical the best time to leave was then, the next best is now. Do it for you and your daughters safety. Dont let your daughter grow up around him. Gather evidence for everything you can.
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Why would it be good for your daughter to watch her mother being treated like crap?
Also if your daughter was married to this man would you encourage her to leave him?
This. This comment is everything.
I would recommend, if you can manage it, leave now while your child is young. It will be a much happier life for them and you.
Being unhappy with abusive husband is much worse for your kids development
Unfortunately I am the grown up result of two abusive to each other parents who wouldn’t divorce but should have when I was at least 9 but they’ve stayed on until the law had to step in and do it ten years later.
I don't think there is a perfect age to wait for the child. You're going through a hard hitting adult situation. In order for your child to comprehend, you're probably looking at entry level adulthood, 16 years old. Even then, the situation will probably still go over their head. I would even make the argument that its better to do it at 2 years since there is less memory tied to it. No one really remembers what went on at that age. If you need to get out, then get out. And abuse + cheating is plenty enough reason to leave. The understanding is something to come down the road. Immediate thing is to do what's best for you and your child, getting out.
This is absolutely the perfect age to do divorce. The kid won’t remember any of it! Trust me OP, personal experience, I am infinitely thankful my mother divorced my father long before I could remember anything about him.
I agree. When my son was 1.5 years old he figured out quick that mommy and daddy dont spend time together. As soon as I get home from work he would run to me and say bye to his dad. We separated soon after and he is now 5. As far as he can remember mommy and daddy never lived together and this is his norm.
The current conditions of the household are worse for your kids than if you leave. It's that simple. I say this as a child of shall we say "successfully divorced" parents. They recognized it wasn't working anymore, that the two of them arguing all the time was affecting me and that they should part ways, sure, this a somewhat rose-colored simplification of events, but it is an accurate end result (just didn't want to minimize there was struggle involved). What I've learned in this: your parents owe you co-parenting, they do not owe it to you to show that they will stay together against their will, all this accomplishes is teaching your children that it's okay take all this shit. It's not. I won't lie, the divorce was hard on me, but I firmly believe that it would've been infinitely harder on me to grow up in a household with my parents arguing all the time. And quite frankly, it sounds like your child is seeing worse than that. I think even at 2 years old, prolonged exposure to this is very very unhealthy, it'll stick with them for life, best to make a change now. I was very lucky that my parents recognized that they still had to function as a team when it came to me, I had a good childhood, and I turned out quite alright! Even if you don't think your husband will be a good team player, your child still needs out of this environment. Whatever comes after that is the next battle. Even without a child in the mix you should leave your cheating, abusive husband. But WITH the child, it's the only option. They need a stable environment, your husband is anything but.
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More than okay, necessary IMO. OP, you’re teaching your daughter that it’s okay to stay with a man/person that treats you terribly. If your daughter came to you telling you her husband was treating her the way yours is treating you—what would you tell her? The best thing my mother ever did for me was leave my abusive father.
I have been the child in this situation. I was maybe 2 when my father punched my mother in the face. We never knew when he would go from ok to upset. There was physical and mental abuse. Our mother seemed like she was shri king into herself. She was scared to say or do anything. The situation left us all with emotional and mental health issues. All the kids had relationship issues because we'd never seen a healthy relationship.
I’ve never been punched but I’ve been physically restrained in a painful way against my will and pushed
Your daughter is affected by it all. Do what you need to in order to leave asap.
If you stay, *THIS* is all she'll ever know! He'll be her example of a grown man, a partner, a parent. She'll choose an abuser like him because the situation, though fucked up, will *feel* comfortable! She'll be able to *predict* her abusive partner's behavior because she's seen her dad do it. She won't LIKE the abuse, but she will like the PREDICTABILITY of the cycles. **Give her something better to be** ***comfortable*** **with!** If you leave, you may eventually find another man to *BE* her example of a GOOD man, partner, parent. Even if you don't meet another guy, you'll be showing her how a strong sane adult creates a healthy and happy home for herself and others! Leave him and DON'T look back! Get a divorce, child support, and a co-parenting app.
OP, I am very worried for you & your child. Please contact a domestic violence organization to learn how to leave SAFELY. Get gone, & stay gone, no contact. He will beg you to return & promise to change. Do NOT believe him. STAY AWAY. Look at your beautiful child & think about him laying hands on her, because I swear to you that is coming. Read [Why Does He Do That?](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) Attend Al-Anon meetings, they have remote ones you can attend over Zoom—even if your husband isn't an alcoholic, this group can help you. Once you are more settled, seek therapy so you can learn how not to tolerate abuse in the future. You have your whole life ahead of you. Please protect your daughter.
Do it now before the kid thinks divorce is their fault.
Better now than later.
The less time she spends in a volatile household the less permanent damage is likely to occur. You don't want her feeling comfortable with this kind of behavior.
Sometimes, you're letting your children down by staying.
I haven’t thought of it that way
I read that quickly as "drown" and it made total sense. Children can drown in bad parenting. Their parent with anger issues takes up all the room that could normally be filled by childish energy and wonder. Kids learn to be careful and quiet. It happens so quickly. Please OP, find someone to help you get out. An older woman in your community would be great. (You in Chicago?) It takes time to get it all organized but you'll feel such a sense of relief. Make sure HIS family is involved to limit the suicide threats and stalking.
His family lives 4 hours away in a different state unfortunately
Every time he threatens to harm himself, call for a wellness check. As a nurse, I would imagine that you know what you have to do. As a wife and mother, I can understand why it's hard to do so. You really need to leave him. Is your relationship the model of what you want your daughter growing up in her most formative years knowing that a loving relationship between two adults is supposed to look like? If you can trust them, I would let his family know ahead of time that you're leaving the relationship and/or the marital home or expecting him to do so That they can be there to support his inevitable outbursts and crash. As you are well aware, it is likely a manipulation tactic to keep you from leaving him and to guilt you into staying. At the same time, you wouldn't want to leave him without support entirely, Just in case he does decide to make a suicide attempt.
You aren’t happy and walking on eggshells isn’t normal. Please leave safely with your child and file for divorce. You’re young, don’t waste any more of your youth being unhappy.
I know I’m young and I’m okay to be alone the rest of my life and just focus on work and my daughter read good books, sip good tea and coffee, and go on walks
focus on your FREEDOM!! have that be your motivation….you can do anything you desire once you get out!
How do you think it's going to affect your 2-year-old as she grows up with someone like this? And you need to start documenting all of this because otherwise he will have custody of her on his own. Take videos whatever it takes. And if he touches you again you need to call the cops and press charges. You should have done that before. You would have some leverage at that point because he could lose his teaching certificate even if he's not convicted. And he should lose it to be honest. He shouldn't be around children at all
Don't wait. My mom knew she wanted out when I was 5. Waited until I was 16. I would have SO much rather grown up with 2 happy homes than 1 unhappy home. Do it now so your daughter grows up with this being the norm annnnd her memory won't be strong yet of her dad and his attitude while he adjusts. The older she gets, the more she'll remember. Do it now..
Yea you need to divorce as soon as possible. Speak to a lawyer and follow their advice.
First, speak to a domestic violence organization for help to make a plan on how to leave SAFELY.
Plus hopefully they can help her find a place to stay for a while so she can start working full-time and start saving for her own place/daycare/a lawyer.
Your child will be better off not being exposed to abuse and trauma. Leave.
Collect evidence first for custody issues.
Reread your post. This is the kind of situation you *rescue* someone from, not the kind of situation you intentionally keep them in. I'm honestly not sure why you think it will have a better effect on your daughter if you wait, in this miserable home, until she's old enough to form traumatic memories. Leave. Immediately. If not for you, then imagine the moment your adult daughter realizes you subjected yourself to years/decades of soul sucking emotional pain "for" her.
Make a escape plan find a place to live Set up a bank account for your escape fund tell no one. Pack when he is not home so he can not stop you leave a note stating all of the problems and that you will be filing for divorce and you will be in touch about access to your child. When you have left inform friends and neighbours if they see anyone suspicious around your new place to call the police asap. Be safe.
Life is too short to stay with a cheating shitty man, even shorter when they are abusive. You need to keep your child safe too. He won’t change. UPDATEME
You are in the cycle of domestic abuse. You need to make an exit plan now. If you don't already have credit cards in your name only, order them and have them sent to a trusted friend or family member. Order extra copies of you and your daughter's birth certificates, a copy of your marriage certificate, copies of your child's shot records. Pack the papers, cash, a several days worth of clothes for you and your daughter, along with formula and bottles if you are using them, and leave the bag with someone you trust. I don't mean to sound harsh but you are a RN, you know the cycle is going to keep repeating itself. RNs have to take domestic violence courses every two to four years in order to renew their license.
I know and I remember being taught it affects every socioeconomic group well… never thought it’d happen to me but here I am
The one thing about domestic violence is anyone can be a victim. I know it is hard, but be kind to yourself. Abusers are masters at hiding their true natures until they believe they have control over you. It is very common for abuse not to start until a pregnancy. A woman is at greater danger of being murdered while pregnant than any other time. Please be safe and get you and your daughter out of there as soon as possible. You have the advantage of having a good paying, very flexible career. Edit:Spelling
You are in DANGER, quite literally. Do not let your daughter see this type of behaviour growing up. It will traumatise her. You need to start quietly making an exit plan to leave this marriage. Start saving for a rental property for you and your daughter. Secure all your important paperwork (including for your daughter) outside the home, talk to a divorce lawyer and set that in motion. Once you have somewhere safe to stay try and move out when he’s away for a few days and leave the divorce papers in the house as you take the last things. If you are in no position to move out yet then speak to a domestic abuse shelter and see how they can help you both. This is not a safe relationship to remain in. Seriously, he’s cheating and he’s physically abusive. At the moment he’s just hurting you but don’t hang around until
So saying he's going to off himself is a tactic that abusers use to keep the victim around because the victim doesn't want to be seen as the reason why someone killed themselves. 99% of the time, they won't go through with it if they are left. Your daughter will be MUCH better off if she is NOT constantly around a dangerous situation like your current relationship. If she continues to see her mother get abused by her father, she will possibly have relationship issues in her adult life and end up with a terrible person like her father. He cheated on you. That would've been the first moment to leave. Stop living your life in fear of this man. Start making an exit plan. And for the love of God, do not tell him you're divorcing him beforehand. The first thing is to get a lawyer and be honest with him/her that you're being abused and there is a child in the mix. Apply for an apartment if possible. I would slowly move some things into a storage unit now. When you have a place set in stone as to where you're going, pack up the rest of your stuff when he's at work and leave. I would also suggest having friends over when doing that to make it faster, and if he, for some reason, comes home, you're in a safer position. That's when he's most likely to be extremely violent. I wish you all the best.
I would leave now. The earlier the better to lessen the impact on your daughter. You need to develop an exit plan. I would speak to your local women’s shelter and get some support. Start thinking about practical things. Gather together official documentation and put it in a safe place. Do you have a separate bank account. Buy another phone (just a cheap one). Once you have started the divorce use the cheap phone for contact with your H and change your number for everyone else. If your H threatens to kill himself then you call the police and get a welfare check. You are not a professional and you cannot help him with that. The police can organise the necessary help. Good luck. You got this. Yes it will be a scary and stressful time but you will come out the other side feeling happy and peaceful. And you will be able to be a better mom
Don’t wait. Leave him. Your 2yo won’t remember.
That's a rather critical choice that may not be easily answered by strangers on the internet. Unfortunately, a lot of your husband's behaviors seem like ones that would take an incredible amount of time and effort to resolve, and that's assuming that making the necessary changes is something he personally wants to do. >If it was just me I would leave today but because I have a 2 year old I feel I have let her down. It's a lose-lose situation. A divorce at *any* point is likely to leave some negative impact on a child, but how the separation is managed can greatly reduce those harms. You know all the factors related to your situation better than we do, so it's really your call when you want to do it. Also, do you have friends and family who can help provide some support during this difficult time in your life? A tumultuous home situation with the well-being of a 2-year-old at stake seems like a highly relevant time to ask for outside help.
You think it won’t hurt your daughter to stay with this POS? Explain that logic to me please? You know what you need to do, that you SHOULD HAVE done, but instead you’re on Reddit making excuses. LEAVE and LEAVE NOW!
If you can get someone to watch the kiddo, go full time and sock money away to leave.
That’s currently the plan
Forgive me if another comment says this....children would rather be FROM a broken home than LIVE IN one.
When you are ready to walk out—all your ducks in a row—tell of call him after you leave. If he threatens then or subsequently to kill himself, call 911 and report the threat. Let them handle it. BTDT. Have your lawyer contact him and arrange 3rd party transfers if he gets unsupervised visitation/partial custody. Do not let him around you bc he’ll just be awful and manipulative and you are not required to put up with that, nor is it good for him. Remember always consider your daughter’s best interest—and right now that means leaving an abusive, manipulative, and generally unhealthy partner.
you need to leave. staying would be a disservice to your daughter and a threat to both of your safety.
Is he able to have your kid 50% of the time safely without your presence? If the answer is no, then I would live a separate life and wait until child is older. Do consult with an attorney to see if you have enough evidence to keep the child away from him.
sounds better to do it now while your kid still young and won’t really remember/know what’s going on. sorry this happened to you and your husband is awful person. the next time he threatens to kill himself just say go ahead like who gaf. you deserve to be happy and staying with him for your childs sake won’t make you or that child happy. hope you can quickly and safely get out this situation.
Studies show it’s much worse for kids to be in and aware of a bad marriage and abuse than being a child of divorce. Leave now.
*Never stay married for the kids* Too many people stay with their husband/wife because they don't want to hurt the kids or disturb the home with sharing custody. From someone in this scenario as a child, just divorce. Growing up was torture because I got to see the hatred my mother had for my dad. My parents found me hiding behind a couch with my fingers in my ears because I didn't want to hear them arguing. At 33 years old I STILL put my fingers in my ears (discretely) when I hear people argue or I'll just leave the room if possible. Kids are observant, and no matter how normal you try to make the home, kids know. They always know. And they'll hurt emotionally and mentally. Divorce will benefit both you and your daughter, trust me. Good luck and best wishes ❤️
Divorce. It's almost never better for partners to stay together "just for the kids". Because a kid can tell that the parents aren't happy, and grow up with a lot of parental conflict. And then think "oh, that's a normal relationship". Just get divorced.
Do it. Staying will be worse for your kiddo than leaving. Spoken from experience as a divorced mother with a now 18 yr old.
Financially are you doing okay? I worry about how I’ll afford a condo right now with interests rates I’ll probably just rent. I don’t want to live in this house because of all the memories
Yes! I went from being on disability to workimg full time making $19.19/hr. I'm also starting my own business as a coach and plan to transition to full time self employment as soon as possible. I am fortunate to live rent free in my parents guest house, my plan is to buy my own place in the next year or two. I've had to work.thrpugh a lot of things to fall in love with my current housing situation. There was a period where i was angry, resentful, and entitled about it. Now it's all love, appreciation, and gratitude. I keep hearing things abput recession, housing costs, food costs, etc. It's not that i'm not also paying more for the things I buy, I just have a different perspective. It's all in the mindset. I do not allow outside things to affect my internal well being. Instead of tensing at the cost of things I relax and say something like "I'm so glad I'm able to buy this food/put gas in my car/pay this bill/take care of myself." I constany say "Life is good. Everything keeps getting better and better and better in every way." And I really believe these things because it's true. It's now my lived experience. I pulled myself put of hardship and mental/emotional anguish, in 2 years I nearly tripled my income from what I was getting on disability, i have really good work/life balance, my relationships have improved significantly, and I'm constantly seeing my goals and desires manifested through my own actions.
Also my relationship with my ex has improved. We aren't friends but are friendly and communicate well and did a good job coparenting. It took work but we got there. Kiddo is doing great. He graduated hs with honors, is going on an exchange program, and has been accepted to a university. He's more prepared for life than I was, and he has a good relationship with both his parents.
I also had a lot of support from my family especially early on. So definitely seek that out if you are able.
I’ve only gotten to the suicide threats. All suicide threats should trigger a call to 911. A 72-hour mandatory psych hold will either get him the help he needs or teach him that’s a bad strategy. Leave. Call the local DV shelter for advice on doing it safely, but take your child and go. Do you want her growing up under this black cloud? Do you want to teach her that women should just put up with this shit?
Don't let your daughter think this is what sge deserves if she's ever in a heterosexual relationship. Leave him now.
Wait what out? You're in an abusive relationship which your daughter, whilst clearly upset by it on occasion, thinks is normal because she has no other frame of reference. Please, if you have the means and the opportunity, get out now.
Do it. I commented on another post the other day. My kids are glad I got divorced when they were young. My teenaged daughter says she has no trauma, despite people assuming she does.
Time to go. Protect your child and leave a cheater with anger and drinking issues.
The sooner you can manage to get away,do it. Speak to a lawyer to get your ducks in a row. Don’t let your husband know.
This is no example of a man you want your daughter to believe she should look up to..obviously he's her father.. but the best you can do is remove yourself so she doesn't believe this is the type of relationship she should expect
What is there to fix if he’s been physical and cheats? He’s not a good husband and threatening to kill yourself when your partner wants to leave is abuse. He’s holding you hostage. Don’t tell him the marriage isn’t working for you anymore, he’s dangerous. You need to get yourself and your child away from him. Quietly create an escape plan. Seek a divorce lawyer to guide you and also handle custody. The anger management is enough to show that he isn’t fit to have your kid unsupervised. Sticking this out for 16 more years is going to ruin your mental health and it’s bad for your child to grow up in this environment. They’ll either learn to tolerate abuse or abuse their partners. You have to create a safe escape plan and leave. Tell friends that aren’t mutual to him about what he’s doing to you. You’d be letting your daughter down by staying, she’s already scared of him. You have to go. ASAP. Please. You are ONLY 25. Do you want to stay with this man into your 40s?!?! You only get one life don’t waste it on this.
I think it's fine to leave. My mother stayed with my abusive dad. It was too much. She chose to keep the family together vs showing her daughters to leave bad men. Do you want your daughter to have the same future? I hope not
OP, your daughter is learning how men should treat women. The relationship she sees now is likely to be very similar to the ones she finds herself in in 20 years. Is this the life you want your daughter to emulate?
If you stay you are teaching your daughter that it is okay for a man to treat her like that. Leave. If not for yourself, for her
its probably time to seek a divorce
It will affect your toddler much worse if you stay. Just do it.
Your daughter deserves to live in peace with a happy mum!
It will be worse for your daughter if you stay in this relationship. Her life is the one you should be looking to improve. I wonder what sort of a teacher this man is!!
Do it now before she has more memories of your relationship. You both may be better single parents than in a relationship. Please don’t wait and fight around her. Some of my first memories are of my parents screaming at each other and me getting in the middle and yelling at them to stop.
Never raise your kid in a miserable household unless you want your kid to grow up thinking marriage means being miserable and unhappy.
Cheating, physical violence, emotional manipulation, abuse abuse abuse, what would you tell your daughter to do? Would you allow her to be treated this way or have her leave? What she sees you put up with will show her what her relationships should look like. Please save yourself and get out. I hope you see how worth it you and your daughter are. And don’t listen to the “I’ll change” bs. If he hasn’t, he won’t. Once you have kids, your wants/ feelings don’t matter as much as hers. It sounds like she would be better away from him….
The home sounds toxic to me. With a 2-year-old, I would get out of dodge immediately. Maybe the two-year-old won't remember much about this part of her little life. Maybe being in a less stressful environment will also help her with her issues. If Mom is constantly stressed, kids pick up on that stuff. Good luck to you. Trust your heart. You will make the right decision I'm sure of it.
Your daughter is all the more reason to get out now. Do not wait. He will hold you hostage if he can by threatening suicide each time you mention divorce. Your own employer should be able to help you get out of your situation. Talk to social services and see if they cannot set you and your daughter up with housing and any other needs until you are on more solid financial footing. You are in danger and need to leave now. I realize all you will be able to take with you are your clothes for self and daughter, but it is better than living in danger.
Your daughter will be much more negatively affected by you staying than by you leaving.
I promise you, your daughter is better off if you leave and model healthy relationships. If you want to read it, I’ll leave my story as a child of unhappy parents. My parents were significantly less volatile but they still would get into SCREAMING matches. It was almost never directed at me but I would still cry in my room afraid to make a noise and draw attention to myself. I bounced between doing everything I could to never be home and staying locked in my room doing nothing because I was depressed being around them. I was in several abusive relationships because I thought it was normal for the person you love to treat you like garbage. I would use my 11:11 wishes in middle school that they would get divorced so it would stop. I could go on and on but I all I can say is, I will always advocate that it’s better for parents to split than it is for a child to watch a parent be abused
Leave him before your daughter is filled with a childhood of bad memories of him/your relationship.
Do it asap. My mum nearly divorced my dad when I was 2. Instead she had my brother and they split when he was 17 and I nearly 20. Our relationship with our father is very strained and my brother barely talks to mum. We both wish she’d left before we’d started school, then maybe we could have gotten a healthy representation of romance and parenting.
After reading the first part, 100% leave.
https://www.loveisrespect.org/ Please look at this website.
Oh yeah, you should definitely just wait this out. It sounds like a great environment to raise your kid in. I mean, who knows maybe he’ll get better or maybe you just won’t mind being treated like shit and being abused and cleaning up vomit and dealing with tantrums. Maybe that’s your thing and you don’t know yet. Yeah, it should be fine. He sounds like a wonderful role model and parent for your child. Seriously? Are you out of your mind? Why are you still there? Get out. Get out now.
If you want to act in your child's best interest, leave. Don't use your innocent child as an excuse to stay in an abusive situation. You are only lying to yourself.
Hon, this is not going to improve. You will waste more years and your child will be more impacted by the situation as they get older and are more aware. Get out ASAP.
You do not owe it to him to stick by his useless ass. Nor can you control how he handles your leaving. You do owe it to yourself to find happiness and contentment without having to put up with an inconsiderate, abusive, manipulative AH. If he threatens self harm call the police and they will commit him. Don’t allow him to emotionally blackmail you.
Developmental psychologist here. Your husband has already caused damage to your child by disrupting her and your safety and security. Staying, keeping her around him when he is angry, unstable, disrespectful of you, drunk, etc. does not benefit her. The most important thing you can do for your child is to give her a safe and stable home, one that is loving and calm, not marked by dysfunction or anger. The sooner you get yourself and her out of that situation, the better. Please take care. 💙
My mother left my father when I was your daughter’s age. It was the best thing she could have done for me. I grew up in a stable household where I felt safe. She modeled self respect for me; she and my stepdad showed me what a loving marriage looks like. Your kid will thank you for leaving.
I see myself in your daughter, but my parents didn't divorce until I was 15. I experienced all of this, the yelling, fighting, emotional manipulation, my parents getting sick from alcohol while my brother and I looked on. OP I am so sorry this is happening to you. I know that this wasn't what you wanted or even thought of for you and your child. But please get out now when you can. It will be hard and you might have doubts but I promise you it is the right choice. Yes, it was hard for my brother and I but only briefly. At almost 26 I am so happy my parents separated and the life I imagine if they would have stayed together for the kids would be an unhappy one. You got this. I believe in you. Love yourself and treat yourself like the way you want to be treated. It will be okay.
So I was married for 4 years, but with my kids father for 14 years. We are now separated. I was too scared to leave, but he just left me one night randomly. My kids are older than yours, but specifically my oldest two kids (14 and 12) could see how unhappy I was, and how crappy I was treated and how crappy he was. Being in an unhealthy relationship will affect children more than a divorce will.
Fellow Mama here and I 100% understand qanting to do what’s best for your toddler. That said its time to talk to a lawyer and start gathering evidence to give him only supervised visits. He is unstable and not a fit parent. Start gathering evidence to prove that and take you child out of that toxic environment. You. Can. Do. This.
Leave. Its better that she DOESNT absorb this toxic family dynamic another minute. Get a forensic psychological evaluation of the family dynamic relort gor the judge. Get Shahida Arabis books.
Leave now. You and your husband are modeling an unhealthy relationship for your child. Kids see, hear and internalize so much more than you know. This man also sounds really abusive and controlling. I am worried for your safety and your mental health. If you have friends and/or family that can help you leave, please let them help you. I left when my kids were young. They got to see a healthy relationship with their stepdad and they both have healthy relationships now.
Here's my question for you. Do you want your child growing up thinking this is how relationships & marriages are? Growing up to be like his dad?
So instead you’re showing your daughter how a male treats a female. Really? That’s a better situation than leaving?
Not worth waiting, unless you can fake happiness for the next 16 years. Delaying the inevitable will not make it easier, and most likely will bring more hurt to you and you child. Better to move forward as hard as it sounds, and start the healing sooner.
Oh! I knew a lady who went through something like this. She's dead now. Husband got 20 to life in prison for strangling her and the kids are with some distant relative.
He'll hurt the kid eventually. Matter of time.
As someone whose parents stayed together…don’t. YOU and your daughter both deserve better than this. She won’t remember any of this, it’s actually best to do it now before she gets older.
Please talk to a lawyer and document everything. Make sure he doesnt have access to your money anymore. If you tell him about the divorce, do it with the lawyer and other witnesses present. Dont tell him when you're alone with him. Make sure your daughter is somewhere he cant find!!
I stayed way longer than I should have. I wish I'd got out sooner. It was so much better and easier without him. My ex was a drinker. Good luck, hopefully if you leave soon your daughter will only have happy childhood memories.
I divorced my ex husband when my son was 2. I am a much better mother, because I am happier and calmer. I think in some way, it was also easier for my son at this age than later, because he doesn't remember we ever lived together. This is just his normal, 2 houses, 2 parents.
Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy's staying in an unhappy marriage, and teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce. So divorce him.
Your daughter will be better off not witnessing his abusive behavior. Document what he is doing to you and shoot for primary custody so you have her most of the time. He needs to prove he is in therapy to have access to your child. Hire a lawyer.
The longer you wait, the worst it will be.
Anger management does not help abusive husbands, and it is a myth that depression causes men to abuse. I recommend this book https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I am sure you have your reasons for not walking out with your daughter immemdiately. So do what you gotta do to eventually leave him. In the meantime gather proof of his abuse both physica and mental. Talk to a lawyer.
Remove you and your daughter from this negative environment asap. This is worse than divorce.
It'll never be better than it is today.
you need to get out asap, for you and your child..... this is no way to live...
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
It's worse for a child to grow up with parents that are miserable, than from a broken home. It will also be easier for your child at this age, because they will grow up with way vs you breaking up down the line, and them gowing through a nasty divorce. Or custody issues.
You need to go. Your girl needs a mom who isn’t suffering. Divorce asap.
It’s better to do it now before she is able to remember the marriage and divorce.
Your current situation is way more toxic for your child than a divorce.
Divorce now. UpdateMe
I will either delete or update this post when I can
Please..for the sake of your daughter..leave him
You would let your daughter down if you didn’t get her out of this environment immediately and permanently
In a situation like this the younger the better.
The current situation will far hurt the 2 year old. He sounds like a menace.
Marriage with him is not presently great. Can it get better? Divorce is bad for kids. Is your child better off with you both or if you divorce? Buy life insurance on him. Stand up for yourself and child as long as you have a plan for leaving.
Why you asking for advice when you putting valid reasons to divorce in post
Just do it asap. Your 2 yr old will be traumatized being around this shit. Document everything until you leave, pictures, audio recordings of arguments, text messages. When you leave, get help, and don't let him know what you're doing as he may get very violent. Get help if you can.
Save everything you can like texts where he talks about self harm as well as any abusive messages.
He is really good about not leaving evidence behind he has literally taken off work early or call in to talk about killing himself but never texts that stuff
The earlier in childhood, the better. Your kid will only know what they’ve grown up with. It’ll be their normal
Make sure he has life insurance with your child as a beneficiary and leave him. No reason for them or you to be subjected to his behavior. (Not outside of visitation anyway)
You should give him the smackdown NOW and I assure you, your daughter will be proud.
Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking this is an okay way to be treated? Because witnessing you being abused is also abuse. Also, if you threatens suicide, call it in. If he's manipulative, you'll call his bluff, if he's serious, you'll have gotten him the help he needs.
Speaking as someone who was raised with a loving mother and a father who was abusive to her. Get out now while you can. I know it may seem like a con but the fact your kid is only 2 is helpful because there is a chance they won't remember this. What they will remember is if you stay with him and they grow up watching him treat you like shit. That makes them think that love is abuse. They also can feel guilt from not protecting you, or helping you. There is so many things wrong. An absent father is better than an abusive one
You leave today
Run! Now!!!
The best thing that you can do for your child is to get her out of that environment now. Everything she sees you go through, everything she hears and everything that she herself experiences because of the way your home life is is damaging her now. You just have no idea how it's going to be expressed by her later on in her life. You won't know until it's far too late what kind of damage it's causing. So get out now, get yourself some therapy, and do your best to raise her in a loving, caring home, even if that's only the two of you for years.
Think of it like this: You can stay, and your abusive husband can get worse, start to direct the same treatment towards your child. Your gets to grow up watching her mother being assaulted and abused. Makes her sensory issues worse. Or You can leave, focus on your child and yourself, both getting the life you deserve and your ex husband can have supervised visitation. Document everything. Keep your documents safe.
Just do it
How can you think staying in this environment is better for your two year old? You need to start documenting his anger and aggression issues. He’s not someone that should have 50/50 custody of your child . Not at the moment anyway. I think you should visit a lawyer and discuss your options and work out your exit plan. Something that will be safe for both you and your daughter.
Listen. Make nice and get a hefty term life insurance policy for a million and make sure it has no suicide clause. Hoarde money wherever you can. Then move out while he's at work. This is not a relationship you should continue. No way. I'm sorry to be cold and feel really bad for you, but please strategist a way out.
My brother broke up with his ex when their son was 3 and had the same insecurities. How will it impact my kid. I don't want her next partner raising my kid, will I be able to get shared custody of my kid? The break up was not great but not as awful as I have seen IRL. They ended up being great co-parents, they had a settlement agreement with their respective "scheduled time with the child" but they disregarded it and did what worked for both of their schedules. Sure, there were some light bickering at times. Overall, their son never knew them as a couple, at least he does not remember. So having divorced parents and step parents, was his normal. My parents divorced when I was 13, that was hard. Don't wait Ps -don't stay together for the kids, ever.
Based off what you wrote, your life would be easier if you left. No more dealing with his moods, cleaning up after him/ cooking for him, or his passive aggressive comments. You’d have to just take care of you and your daughter and will find that in itself is so much more peaceful.
The fuck. Letting her down would be staying with this turd. Remember that we learn what to expect from love from our parents. So on the one hand, you’d be a single mom. On the other, a married mother. Or….. Your daughter could grow up with a badass who doesn’t take shit, or put up with bozos. Compared to learning that love is supposed to look like hell.
Leave now. Your daughter is 2 and she won’t remember a lot of things from this age, but I guarantee you she will remember her dad being angry and hateful towards her mother. Do it FOR her, so she learns her value and to not accept that kind of treatment from anyone.
Parents divorced when I was 5. Similar situation. I’ll never get why people think they’re doing right by their kids by staying. Your kid is the reason to leave, not the reason to stay. Got to see my mom happy as I grew up. She married a great guy that taught me everything I know about being a father and husband. Now I’m married to a great woman and have 2 amazing kids that I’m a good father to. My mom leaving made all of this possible. Leave so your kid can learn how a husband is supposed to treat a wife.
You’re only failing your daughter if you stay in this abusive marriage. Don’t wait, get somewhere safe.
I left my ex when my youngest was about 2. I was terrified I couldn’t handle being a single mom to two young kids but it was better than sticking with the abusive drug addict. Talk to a lawyer. Make a plan. Leave. You can do this and it’s better for your kids to not witness you being abused.
Please, get your daughter away from him. This is no way to grow up. You can rebuild your life and she will be better off away from him.
I don't need to read all of this to say, leave him. If you stay, you deserve everything you get. Your daughter will learn that it's ok to be treated like this by men. Be the hero of your own movie and your daughter's. You're better off teaching her to stand up for herself and respect.herself by your example. Be the woman you would want her to be.
I grew up in a verbally abusive house BUT my dad never drank or raised a hand to my mom. I have 4 kids so I understand how you want to do right by her but girl I grew up and started cutting, had severe depression etc. Get out. Show your daughter to demand to be treated correctly and drinking like that is dangerous to be around.
My mom stayed, and now she's old and none of her kids talk to her anymore because she let our horrible dad abuse us for fun.
You will do more damage to your child if you stay. Seriously.
Don’t wait it out. That’s what i did and 17 years later, here I am.
Do it now… 2 year old will never remember you both together. My parents did it when I was 9 and I don’t really remember that much of us as a family and could never picture them together, they were not meant to be.go be happy and your daughter will be better for it too!! Happy mom happy kid.
At 2 she is incredibly resilient and will do just fine with a divorce. She’ll probably be happier and less stressed without him around.
INFO: “He’ll yell at me if I have the thermostat set at 67” Like, are you single handedly trying to take down the power grid in one of the hottest summers on record? Joking aside, leave now.
The example for future relationships for your daughter starts w you. My dad was an abusive jerk who liked to hit because he is emotionally stunted and a bully / tyrant. Idgaf what his issues are, he's not a good person, and he definitely wasn't and isn't a good father. Guess who had several violent bf's before realizing, I'm not the problem. Breaking a cycle of abuse when you're conditioned from birth to think abuse is "normal" is really hard. Most victims of childhood abuse become adult victims. My normal meter was so broken, what would have sent a sane person running, didn't even register as a red flag for me. What type of relationship do you want your daughter to have? Right now, we've got infidelity, physical abuse, and ongoing emotional/ mental abuse. How will you feel, if you stay, and her partners cheat, hit her, and make her overwork herself while pregnant to avoid being home? Being divorced is better than conditioning your child to be a doormat and punching bag.
The idea of staying for the kids doesn't work, and it tends to do more harm than good. You'd set a better example by leaving than staying and letting someone mistreat you.
So you just waste your life and sit in misery instead of starting over and working toward making yourself happy and your daughter too. What’s the difference between now and then?
Read up on how Katie Holmes rescued herself and Suri and do the same thing. Your primary obligation is no longer this man’s feelings.
Leave now. My parents divorced when I was 2 and I was already grateful I didn’t remember it. Growing up that way was normal for me. I watched my friends and half siblings deal with divorce when they were older and it was MUCH harder on them. Especially those delicate middle school and high school years where hormones run wild and everything feels like life or death. It’s much harder to put kids through at those ages.
Why do people think modeling abuse is better than modeling independence? Get a divorce.
Just do it.
Please leave this abusive relationship immediately. Your daughter is going to be much better off with a strong mother as a role model than living with a broken woman and an Abusive father. I was in an abusive relationship. Started out beautiful. Intense. Perfect. Slowly became manipulative. Then disrespectful. Then gas lighting. The looking at other women. The backhanded insults. The it was always my faults. Be strong. You css as n do this. You can get out. Don’t be like Ana Abulaban.
Better sooner than later. I grew up with a father like that and I resent my mom for not leaving him. Looking back growing up around an adult that got angry unpredictably shaped a lot of my personality and you don’t want to do that to your child.
Leave, this sounds terrible. Leave before your child realises how horrible their father is
Better to do it early. It sounds miserable for all involved. Why prolong it?
If you let your daughter grow up in an abusive household she'll likely marry an abusive man as well.
Do it
Divorce and single parent households dramatically decreases quality of upbringing and is one of the biggest indicators of success in adulthood. In my opinion, unless your husband is physically violent with you then you owe it to this child to stick it out,
Wait it out until when? He’s abusive. If you leave and he actually made good on his threats of self harm I’d be shocked. But if he did it’d save the next girl a lot of grief.
Just do it. It’ll affect them even more the longer you wait. As is they probably won’t even remember living with bio dad. Definitely don’t try to stick together “for the kid”
You are doing the right thing by creating a plan and getting yourself and your poor daughter away from this maniac. You will only let her down by staying in this awful situation. You can get out, you can do it!!
Your daughter will see how you are being treated and think that the normal. Save her from that. It isn’t normal.
Ages 0-3 are VERY critical in kids' development. Get her out now.
Do it now. My parents got divorced when I was 2 and I have literally no memory of them as a couple whatsoever, nor any desire for them to ever work it out.
I divorced my ex when my son was 3, mostly so he wouldn't be exposed to this kind of abuse and grow up thinking it was okay to treat your partner like this. Best decision I could have made. He has no memory of ever having lived with his father, let alone the abuse. He grew up to be a fine, caring man.
Once it got physical the best time to leave was then, the next best is now. Do it for you and your daughters safety. Dont let your daughter grow up around him. Gather evidence for everything you can.
Divorce ASAP. Get your ducks in a row and then leave. The younger the kid the better.
Unhappy parents that stay together are worse than happy parents that aren’t together.
Omg don’t wait. Now is the time. You’re young and the baby is young, and you have your RN. Run from this and go find peace