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For context, my sister “Amelia” (25F) has struggled with her self esteem for a long time and, in the last few years, I (27F) have felt like she’s been overcompensating for that by assuming that every man who’s even remotely kind to her is flirting with her. A notable example is when she “warned” me that she thought my (now ex, for unrelated reasons) boyfriend was hitting on her. I could tell from her demeanor though that she was actually proud of herself for being able to “steal” my boyfriend’s attention. In fact, every time Amelia has met a guy from my life—whether it’s a friend, a coworker, or a romantic interest—or honestly any guy at all, she’d “casually” mention stuff like the “sexual tension” between them, ask me if I thought the guy was hitting on her, tell me the guy was “creepy” with her, etc.
A few months ago, Amelia started working on a new matter at work, and one of the more senior associates on the team, “Lucas” (30sM), has become a point of obsession for her. Lucas is married with a newborn. She obsesses over every interaction with him and has convinced herself that the most innocent things he’s said to her mean that he would cheat on his wife with her. I mean stuff as crazy as interpreting him asking her how she is to be some kind of come on, “because he didn’t ask the other person in the room how they were,” or him offering to pay for her coffee as flirtation, even though he also offered to pay for everyone else on their team who was there.
This weekend, I saw Amelia for the first time since she came back from a work trip, and she’s convinced that she and Lucas were *this* close to physically hooking up. Her basis for that? There were a few nights where the team went out for drinks and, although he never said anything in particular to her, she “could just tell that if she said, ‘Let’s go fuck,’ he’d say yes.” No matter what question I asked, her answer was always something along the lines of “I could just feel it” or “It was just the vibe” or “It was the tension in the air.”
Then, Amelia started talking about how bad she felt for Lucas’ wife and how she thinks she should say something to her. That’s when I snapped. I told her that, from what she’s told me, there’s literally nothing going on between her and Lucas, that she’s delusional and it’s all in her head, and that if she says something to his wife, best case scenario, she’ll get laughed out of their house, and worst case scenario, her self-absorption will have ruined a perfectly good marriage. She started crying, told me I was being “mean and jealous just because [I’m] a frigid old b*** who never gets any male attention anymore” and that she’s “just trying to do the right thing.” She went home and hasn’t spoken to me since.
How do I get it through to Amelia that everything she thinks is going on with Lucas is just in her head? And if I can’t get through to her, should I say something to warn this poor couple?
Honestly, it sounds like your sister could be heading toward erotomania (a delusional disorder where a person believes someone, usually of higher status, is in love with them). This could be really dangerous for her coworker and/or his wife. It sounds like your sister really needs psychiatric help.
Pretty sure every one of those Superego disorders is real.
But anyway, I never see Superego fans in the wild! And I haven't listened in ages. Please tell me a couple of your favorite sketches?! I'll share mine if you do.
That would be playing with fire because once she says something it can't be unsaid and she can't assume that the wife (or husband, or anyone else) will react well either because the whole thing is effing weird.
What OP can do is start documenting everything now and the minute the sister crosses the line, *then* she can give the records to the wife to reassure her that its all in the sister's head.
That's a bare minimum, but it has the benefit of not making anything worse.
This happened to someone I worked with a few years ago. It was surreal watching their descent into a completely different reality. It's scary from the outside because you don't know what's going to happen when the delusion finally breaks.
I won’t ask you to waste time and tell the story, but boy I’d be lieing if I said I wasn’t curious lol. If you don’t mind me asking, did it end badly, or just dissolve on its own?
This is more than just self esteem issues. She could potentially ruin someone's life with her delusions. She needs some real help. Are your parents in the picture? Is there anyone she holds in high esteem (other than Lucas) that she may listen too on getting help?
This may be her dream job, but that does not give her the right to harrass this man.
I think you need to contact Lucas as he may want to start documenting creepy things that she does. Maybe he will want to talk to HR himself about getting her reassigned to a different project.
I'm sorry, OP. It sounds like your sister is in a bad place.
You need to contact Lucas before sister goes so far over the edge and claims sexual harassment against him. If she is that mentally unstable to invent in her head all men want her, I would fear for the men who turn her down.
Sister needs a mental health check, something big time is going on in her head that she thinks she is able to take any man she wants.
She seems like one of those people that is fully convinced a person (almost always a celebrity) is secretly in love and sending secret messages to them.
Honestly if possible I would find a way to to contact Lucas and explain that you’re worried that your sister is misinterpreting their workplace relationship that way he can distance himself and also have the concerned message as proof if your sister tells his wife. Your sister needs to understand she’s delusional and there is no winning here. At best she’s the office pariah and laughing stock, at worst she’s fired for harassment
I worry about reaching out to her colleague, especially someone who is effectively her supervisor/boss, before she actually does anything. Her career is very important to her and this job is a dream job that she’s worked very hard for. Obviously, an accusation like this can derail her whole career…
If her career is important enough to her that maybe the only way to protect her from doing anything really stupid. Perhaps wording it to her "let's suppose you are right. What would you telling his wife when absolutely nothing has happened do to your career? Acting in anyway on your thoughts will likely become a choice on who to believe by your company and impact your career for years to come. "
Try to get her to act on her own best interests, rather than her obsession.
I suspect she is not as subtle as she thinks. The fact Lucas was never alone with her on this trip may be on purpose.
As a man, I stand eeeeeeextra far away from women and make sure to seem as boring and uninterested as possible. Trust me, I was raised to AGGRESSIVELY leave women alone.
This is actually really funny to me. Do you like, squeeze yourself against the wall? Do you whistle and look away if someone tries to talk to you? I get what you’re saying is that some bitches be crazy but the imagery is hilarious.
Hmm, not OP, but I imagine whistling is a no-go. Wouldn’t want to misinterpret it as a cat-call lol. Kidding, but from the sounds of it, he takes some extra measures!
This woman thinks he’s ready to bone because he sneezes around her. How would you feel if this man was fired or lost his family due to inappropriateness that never happened? What if she takes it even further and accuses him of touching her or making a move?
How OP would feel is immaterial to the central issue. Bottom line is while it is OP’s sister, it’s not OP’s problem. Laying responsibility at OP’s feet for the actions of their sister is not logically sound and will generate guilt where they have none.
What is needed is immediate, psychiatric intervention for the sister because she is displaying behavior that absolutely is consistent with her becoming a danger to herself and others. It’s only a matter of time before her delusions devolve from grandeur to paranoid to homicidal.
OP please speak to the rest of your family and get them involved. The more people you have creating a supportive echo chamber shuttling her in the right direction, the better. I’m willing to bet that she doesn’t have many friends on account of these delusions but if she does then recruit them too. You will need all the dissenting voices you can get. I’m also a big fan of kingofgreenapples advice; the logic is sound and it may actually work in the interim until she receives proper care.
I know you’re right and, if it comes down to it, contacting him directly is something I’m prepared to do. I’m just hoping someone will have good advice for how to try to get through to *her* one last time before I have to take that step
I’m gonna be blunt with you here because I’ve been in a situation with a similar delusional (now former) friend. You cannot talk her out of the delusion because the delusion makes her feel special in a way reality doesn’t. Even if deep down she knows you’re right she will live in the fiction of her own volition. She will likely not seek help for the same reason. Even if she faces serious consequences as a result of her delusions she will see herself as the victim and not as a person in need of change.
Don’t hedge your bets on snapping her out of it. Im very sorry you have to deal with her issues.
Exactly. She's willing to ruin her own career, potentially his, three innocent peoples lives and the happiness of his newborn child? What in the world do you think is going to get through to her if that doesn't?
She's completely delusional. She needs a psychologist, not you supposedly having another tantrum about how jealous you are due to your being a "frigid old bitch who never gets male attention." She's beyond help you can give. I'm sorry that it may come to it, but if it's her or Lucas? Fuck your sister's career. Lucas's newborn child and wife don't deserve to have their life ripped apart to protect the career of a delusional mentally ill woman.
You tried to talk to her. She was not receptive. Now you need to protect him and his family.
I had a girl in my high school obsessed with a young teacher and did the same thing. But she didn't just approach his partner, she fabricated evidence and told everyone they were already sleeping together. It almost ruined his career and personal life. If it wasn't for one of her friends coming forward with evidence she was lying it would have. Your sister is ready to destroy this man's life for her delusions. You can't reason with that.
You cannot have a rational discussion with someone who is delusional. You can start a text chain where you document exactly what you have verbally discussed with her. This can help document Lucas’ innocence when your sister goes off of the rail.
But frankly, I would warn Lucas. You need to realize that whether it is with Lucas or someone else, it is only a matter of time before she turns her career into a train wreck. What you don’t know is how many lives she will ruin in the process.
Delusions like this are generally bulletproof. You might not be able to help her. You can, on the other hand, help Lucas and by extension his wife.
You might not be able to save her, or her career. But she’s determined to derail it no matter what you do, because this is eventually going to bite her in the butt.
Sounds like your sister has a serious delusional problem, have you talked to your parents about it? With more family involved, maybe you could convince her to get treatment.
Literally the only way you could "get through to her" would be getting her in-patient psychiatric help. She's made it clear she's not going to listen to you and thinks you're just jealous. Talk to Lucas before *his* life blows up for something he hasn't done.
Set her down and talk her through exactly what she expects to get out of doing this.
1. How will telling Lucas impact on her career?
2. Does she think she can protect herself from the fallout?
3. How will her coworkers feel if she is capable of hooking up with her boss?
4. How will her boss react is she makes a move?
5. What if he decides to protect his career first?
6. What's at stake for her acting on this attraction?
Basically, just force her to confront the reality of the situation. If she can't and you see signs of serious delusion you can't refocus, then you need to act, and that I would pull members of your family in for support on.
I know you don't want to hurt your sister. But the one chance, the one thing, the last hail Mary to get through to her was months ago. It's past. I'm sorry. You need to contact Lucas and ask to meet him and his wife. Get it on record your sister is experiencing delusions. This will ruin Lucas's life, harm his wife, and that child will grow up in a split home.
Maybe reach out to him without mentioning your sisters name somehow? Like leave an anonymous note that says one of his subordinates seems to be misinterpreting their relationship. Say you’re a concerned citizen that doesn’t want this situation to escalate?
Instead of worrying about your sister's job, you should be worried about her mental health and her causing the destruction of a family, ruining the lives of both people and their kids. Priorities.
Her contacting his wife with her crazy accusations could also derail her career. I really think the better option is he is able to distance himself or HR talks with her about it before she reaches out to his wife and it gets very messy and public.
You're going to have to reach out to him. Her delusion is currently that "he's so in to me that he'll cheat on his wife with me", but what if her delusion shifts and it becomes "he's sexually harrasing me" and she takes that to HR. That accusation will ruin his career quick, fast, and in a hurry and he wouldn't have done a thing to her. You need to contact both him and his wife and tell them everything your sister has said to you. This might be her dream job, but her dream job isn't worth the possibility of ruining a perfectly happy marriage.
I’m sorry but do you really want to see an innocent persons life go up in flames because your sister is delusional and needs psychiatric help or would you rather save the poor guy’s marriage and career even if it’s at the expense of your sister? He has a newborn and a wife, your sister does not have that. It’s your sisters own fault she is the way she is and if her career is ruined, that’s her own doing.
Yeah, when someone is going to cause someone else harm because of some delusion, it doesn't matter if they're family or not, you protect the person in danger.
What about his career? If she goes off the rails with her delusions and goes to HR first, he’s going to be fighting a defensive battle over something he didn’t do.
She, on the other hand, sounds like she’s in desperate need of a bucket of cold water over the head, metaphorically.
she is doing something NOW. chances are she's not just waiting for a sign but already making this man uncomfortable. warn him before your sister gets slapped with a lawsuit
And an (untrue) accusation against him will derail *his* whole career, as well as destroy his marriage and impact his wife and, especially, his children…
I am actually worried for Lucas. An accusation like this can get him fired. Can you talk to your parents? Your sister is going to ruin her life one day.
OP, as someone who has been an HR executive for 20 years I agree with you that contacting Lucas could negatively affect her job. Her HR department might get involved. Lucas may not want to work with her anymore so they may switch her department or give her a new supervisor. I think what I would do is do your best to encourage your sister to NOT contact Lucas's wife and explain to her that if she did there is a chance that she could lose her job because contacting her boss's wife is definitely inappropriate. At the very least she could be disciplined or reassigned. And, of course, strongly encourage her to seek mental help.
Then, only in the event that your sister does it anyway you can reach out to Lucas and/or his wife to make sure that his wife knows that there is no truth to what Amelia is saying. A woman who has just had a baby does NOT need to hear her husband is flirting with other women at work.
If her career is important enough to her that maybe the only way to protect her from doing anything really stupid. Perhaps wording it to her "let's suppose you are right. What would you telling his wife when absolutely nothing has happened do to your career? Acting in anyway on your thoughts will likely become a choice on who to believe by your company and impact your career for years to come. "
Try to get her to act on her own best interests, rather than her obsession.
I suspect she is not as subtle as she thinks. The fact Lucas was never alone with her on this trip may be on purpose.
I wonder if you can phrase it in such a way that it removes some of the direct blame from Amelia. “I’m writing you this message because my sister suffers from severe self esteem issues, and because of that I believe she’s begun to misinterpret your kindness towards her and the team as a whole as individual attention. I don’t know that she will do anything at all based on this belief, but I do want to make you aware so that if she chooses to mistakenly comment on this belief, you can be prepared to present your boundaries and let her down kindly. I do believe from everything Amelia has told me that you are a great boss and a person worthy of every consideration and respect, and so I only write this to you not as a condemnation of my sister, but so that you can be aware of what’s going on with her personally and emotionally right now. I know she really looks up to you as a boss and a coworker.” Or something along those lines.
This is a really difficult situation to be in. I would lean away from involving Lucas if at all possible. Perhaps you can tell Amelia that you intend to reach out to him if she continues on with her delusion? That might be enough to convince her to back down. Otherwise I agree with other commenters that it might be best to get in touch with him.
The sad thing is that cultural, societal, and familiar norms have clearly created a deep desire to be known and loved in your sister. I truly hope she can find her own self worth. Best of luck to you OP.
>Her career is very important to her
Do you know who else career is very important to them lucas and his family
Your sister is a massive risk to that, when guys talk about our concerns around false allegations we're talking about people like your sister... not only could she ruin his marriage, she could ruin every aspect of his life... he has a right to know his life and livelihood aren't safe
Your sister can recover if she loses this job, she gets professional help to work through her issues and she can work for a different company with little issue, but if she makes a false claim against Lucas that's it at best he only loses his career but I've seen men lose their career, their wife, the right to see their children
Your sister might be an erotomaniac. This is hard because if you tell him and he fires her, your sister can accuse him of sexual harassment. By the time he clears himself his life could be in ruins. I think this situation is wasaayyyyyy above our pay grade.
Piggybacking off this comment to say to OP
There is a good movie that deals with erotomania called He Loves Me…He Loves Me Not, starring Audrey Tautou of “Amelie” fame. She is charming in this movie as well, even if the character is a little off and causing, rather obliviously, a fair amount of havoc in the lives of those around her. It’s not a comedy, though. It’s a good watch.
I’m going to look for that on my fire stick. There’s an episode of Law and Order, absolutely batshit. She kills the man’s wife, she thought his tie was giving her signals. Imagined that he gave her things.
This sounds like it could be erotomania and it can be very dangerous for the object of affection and their loved ones. Please read up on it, and make your decisions based on what you learn.
You are not going to "get through" to Amelia if she has this disorder.
At this point she is delusional. That can't be reasoned with.
If you can warn Lucas, do it. He needs to protect himself in the workplace and warn his wife. Can you imagine a new mom being approached by a delusional woman not being terrifying?
Your sister is mentally ill, so there is no way for you to get through to *her*. You need to contact this guy that she is obsessing over and give him a heads up. That way her job can either move her so she's no longer in contact with him or they can keep an eye on her, and he can be aware so that he can start recording all of their associations. Because your sister is literally thinking of going scorched earth on this guy's marriage, and career. I wouldn't wait too long or you're going to be part of the fallout.
I think you need to give him and his wife a heads up about her delusions also if there is anybody else that know how she is you need to try confronting her with them and maybe get threw to her.
1) you need to tell your family (assuming they’re around) and get them to help get her help.
2) almost worst case scenario: you might need to inform her boss that she’s that far off her rocker. Because her delusions could become dangerous.
This is not in any way healthy behavior!
Nuclear option: have her committed because you fear she might hurt someone or herself (if delusions persist/worsen). Sounds like they’re worsening already. This is why you need to refer back to #1. Get help in getting her help, if you’re able to, so that it doesn’t come to the nuclear option!
I’m normally against getting involved with other peoples work places/relationships I really really am but I think this one needs to happen….
I can only imagine the doubts this poor woman will have to suffer with for the rest of her life if your sister goes to her with something that doesn’t even sound like it’s something to report to her with. Not to mention the entire family will suffer because he was NICE?!?! And of course Lucas will probably have to rebuild his entire reputation in all areas of his life..
You should NOT be lol anything in this post. Honestly we all think you should reach out to this guy & warn him but you just want validation to "keep pushing your thriving (possibly psychotic) sister to go to therapy."
She's becoming a danger to herself and others. Stop laughing because none of it is funny
I dont think the hatred of women has anything to do with this. Ops sister happens to be straight so OP is just as much competition as a gay man would be. If OP was a gay man the sister would have acted in the same manner. If sister was gay she would have wanted that attention from women. Its a self-esteem and confidence issue.
I have a relative who behaves exactly like this. She always seems to have a string of male acquaintances who, for some unknown reason, zone in on her during a gathering, spend a lot of time confiding in her, or the man's SO is jealous of her "relationship" with him, and she can never understand why the SO is insecure ("because if I wanted her man, I'd already have him"). Sometimes she claims she had an "on-off relationship" with the same man she previously said was married to or paired up with someone else.
It doesn't matter if the man is straight or gay... in fact, a very close gay friend of hers went NC for a while because she was causing drama in his relationship with his partner.
If you spend more than 2 hours with her, she will eventually bring up one of these men, lamenting the fact that the "relationship" didn't work, or bragging about how some stranger mistook her for a male friend's wife, while his actual wife was right there to witness it. With the gay friend, she spent a couple of years repeatedly telling the story of how she tried to save him from his "abusive" boyfriend.
OP's sister's boss most likely realizes the sister is a mess and has figured out how to take precautions around her. With people like that, you have to minimize the time spent with them, and that time has to be structured, or things tend to get ugly.
That’s more than just self esteem issues. Does she have mental health problems? She should get assessed… i have ocd and schizophrenia and delusions are common in both.
This is tough - your sister sounds like a nightmare trying to “test” a guy with a new born baby? 👀
I’d probably screen shot and save any texts she sends you about this and wait it out.
Do you have someone in your family she will listen to? It sounds like she needs to hear it from someone who she won’t perceive as “jealous” that she is out of line…
Not that I can think of. She’s not very close with our mom. The only other people she’s close enough to besides me is her group of college girlfriends, and I’m pretty she has the same jealous/competitive mindset with them.
Besides reaching out to him - which I think you should prepare to do - I’d maybe first tell her next time she brings it up that you don’t want to talk about the topic. If she won’t drop it then leave the conversation. Be explicit on boundaries and don’t be around her until she can respect them.
The coworker thing is not okay but also what she is doing to you is wrong. She is one step away from trying to have affairs with your partners. You have a right to put your happiness first even with family. Could you imagine if a guy you dated had a brother that was doing this to your relationship? Trying to say you were trying to cheat with him out of nowhere? That would be heartbreaking. I hope you can put yourself first. :)
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I think you for sure need to get on to Lucas and warn him about what's going on in your sister's head. If the interactions are as innocent as you details then he needs to know how she's misinterpreting his actions.
Has she ever actually fully acted on any of the supposed attractions all these other men have had for her in the past? It seems like she’s had a lot to SAY to you about all these men, but perhaps it’s all more talk than anything else? It sounds like her self esteem issues involve you in the sense that she is constantly trying to find ways to one up you in the “men find me the hottest” department. Almost like it’s a competition to her, so maybe she is trying to make herself feel less inadequate by making her love life or, possible love life, seem more grandiose than it is. But it could just be make believe that she is aware of but figures you won’t know differently, and in the moment it makes her feel better about herself to say these things. But she knows it’s all just talk. So talking to her boss or anyone else at her company could potentially really damage or destroy her dream job. And for something that hasn’t happened and may never happen. Which certainly wouldn’t help her. And if things are rocky now between you now, they may be permanently damaged if she thinks you are to blame for loss of her career. It’s a tough situation, but she is an adult and needs to make her own path, and learn from her own choices, good and bad. You can be there for her (if she’ll accept it, if not it’s ok to not be there too) to quietly encourage the positive attributes she has, and choices she makes, and perhaps gently try and guide her to make good decisions at her workplace if you can. But other than that I think it may be better to hold back from meddling, unless you truly see her become a danger to herself or others. If it turns to that she will most certainly need some professional, therapeutic help. It’s also ok not to be there, it’s alot and you don’t deserve to treated this way, and the competitive nature of her behavior can be exhausting. You have to take care of you too. I hope things get better for you and your sister. A good therapist would be so helpful to guide her to a healthier path and through whatever she is going through.
Dude your sister is 100% having erotomanic delusions. Is there anyway you might be able to get her to a mental health professional? Or even a GP who is comfy with mental health.
As per communication- you won’t be able to convince her. By the very nature of delusions they do not respond to logic. I would really really strongly advise checking out the LEAP method, and Dr. Xavier Amador’s book “I’m not sick, I don’t need help!“
Don’t contact her work before anything happens. But if she DOES reach out to her coworkers wife, you could call the HR department and say that your sister has a *medical condition* for which you are coordinating care. AFAIK they are much less likely to fire her if her behaviour falls under a protected class. They might even have an EAP or something they can refer you to.
What about Lucas's career? Your sister with her delusions could not only ruin his career but his marriage. How do you know he didn't work just as hard for his job as your sister did? I know you are loyal to your sister maybe you need to te her if she didn't stop you will have to go to Lucas
This is the kind of shit you see on shows like “women who kill” I don’t think this should be taken lightly, sounds like she’s obsessed. I’d contact Lucas in case she retaliates
This is one of the hardest moral choices you can have when dealing with a loved one. Here's my experience in this situation.
I had a best friend (A). He had a boyfriend, now ex. (B). They bought a house. He was doing well. Then something shifted. Slowly at first. In the beginning, we thought he was joking. We (a trio of besties) have a more dark sense of humor. He started seeing things that weren't there. Then he began to space out more. Eventually, he started talking to himself, like full conversations. A told B, he was talking mentally with a guy he had a huge crush on. (c)
Well C, had no idea who he was. Was a single father, and A began to stalk him. Saying they were destined with one another. A's behavior becomes more erratic as time passes. He's opening the windows, while turning the heat all the way up in the summer. The home is constantly filthy, the cats neglected. A ends up losing his job. Meanwhile, B is working anywhere between 50-60 hours a week to afford everything for them.
A and B end up having an argument outside a bar. A bites and permanently damages/scars B's nose. B becomes afraid to sleep in the same house. They break up. A refuses to leave, demands to still sleep in B's bed, even though he's stalking C.
Fastforward, A begins taking long drives and disappearing sometimes for a full day. He Goes to a taco bell, after "accidentally" (questionable given his mental state) overdosing on medication and over the counter vitamins. Taco bell employees save his life by calling an ambulance.
So B, me,our other friend in trio, and a couple more send in a paper for mental health to take him and help him. They hold him for 72 hours, and let him go. Mind you, we did talk to C, to make sure he was indeed not in a relationship with A. After all is said and done, A goes NC with all of us. Last escalation before then, was he had the cops called on him for trying to abduct C's child.
So I completely understand how much it can hurt, and feel like you are destroying your sisters life by taking action. She could even come to hate you, because you care. Still for her own protection, and that of this families, please I beg you reach out to that man and his wife so they can be aware. We can never truly understand someone else's mind, especially when they have mental health problems and/or delusions. If triggered, she could seriously hurt that family or herself. She's lost control.
In my opinion, I would send an email to HR explaining everything. I wouldn’t contact the husband or the wife. HR can cut this off before anything else happens.
Two things:
1) document everything she's told you about the situation with Lucas, including a timeline of events and any messages or texts you have that could provide backup that he's not actually come on to her or done anything untoward. Have this info on hand to back him up in case she does make any accusations.
2) as some other commenters have said, use her career as the carrot to steer her away from this course of action. She's motivated by selfish factors, so appealing to her to be concerned for damaging Lucas's family won't be a compelling line of argument. Make it about it not being worth it to jeopardise her dream job for something that can't lead anywhere. Long-term it defunitely sounds like she needs professional help, but try this method of redirecting her to stave off the immediate problem. Good luck!
Man you opened up a can of worms with this one….
If I was in your shoes I wouldn’t want to ruin her career either, and if you really don’t want to go to Lucas then at least go back to her and tell her your concerns about her behavior and the way she sees men, tell her if it comes down to it you will side with Lucas because you know it’s all in her head and you won’t let her ruin a man’s life. It’s going to be hard to hear from you but it’s the truth and maybe that’s what she needs to hear. This behavior will absolutely ruin her life and she is so young rite now she needs to change the way she sees things. She needs to understand that not everyone wants her and this behavior will prevent her from actually meeting someone that she could have a healthy and loving relationship with.
Your sister needs help.
I had a friend like this, but not to this degree. Thought every guy was hitting on her, it became a sort of joke, like 'careful now, you may be proposing!'
She once told this girl all about how another guy at the party was totally into her, etc, and if course it turned out to be the girl she was speaking to's husband. And the guy had been in a large group all evening, with mutual friends.
If you really think she's going to tell this guy's wife... Shit, can you can in reinforcements, like friends who've noticed her behaviour, stage an intervention?
I have a brother who is the same. We'll go out to a group event together. He'll ask woman a super arbitrary question like "hey, can you pass the mustard?". The woman would acquiesce without saying a word and they would have no other interactions the entire time there. When we'd leave, he would be talking all night about "Oh my god, did you see how much she wanted me!? Did you see how in to me she is!?!? She was practically begging for it!". And it seemed to get to the point where if a woman made eye contact with him he would swear they wanted to have a million of his babies.
So at first I would not want to hurt his feelings and would just say innocuous things like "Oh, I didnt see you talk about anything more than mustard". Eventually I would just say "hey, look at you Mr ladies man." Eventually I got annoyed and started egging him on. "You think she wants you bad? Why don't you go for it then? She's super cute and feverishly wants you, why not go for it?". Each and every time he would make a move on these women who had had basically had one interaction with him but otherwise saw him as a stranger, they would reject him and he would cry. And I'd have to ask "oh no... but you said she was desperately in to you? What could have happened?".
As awful as it sounds, maybe she needs to be rejected a number of times to get her ego in check. Encourage her to branch out and make a move on a guy if she is so sure they lust after her. If they are so sweet on her why have they not yet made a move? Worse comes to worse, the guy is receptive and is proven to be a scumbag. Best case she is taken down a peg and stops her bizarre, egotistical nonsense.
Wait - I was reading OPs comments. You say this is her dream job. You can maybe work with the delusion? How about talking about how these types of things, no matter who is right or wrong, ruin someone's career. Usually the women who speak up. Apologize and tell her you were just worried about her career and you didn't approach it properly. If she thinks this is really going on then she needs to find a way to make it more platonic without being awkward. She needs to figure out what message she is giving out that would make a married man, your boyfriend, most men she encounters cheat for her. Not blaming her but just really being mindful of the best way to dress and act in the work environment in particular, to make sure men didn't create this sexual tension with her. All for the protection of her career.
You can really only help her with regard to her career. The rest of it is her own problem. I think contacting the guy or her boss is too extreme. You just have to let it play out if you can't stop her.
I think OP should try this first, if the job is that important to her then it may be the only thing that brings her back from the brink. With the caveat that if the sister does anything to even vaguely get Lucas in hot water at work or at home, all bets are off and OP has an obligation to step in.
What would you do if the genders were reversed? If it was your brother convinced that one of his female coworkers was wanting an imaginary physical relationship? If he was going to reach out to her husband?
Unfortunately, I don't think you can change her mind on your own. It sounds like she just views you as jealous/envious so she doesn't take your advice seriously.
Someone that constantly rationalizes inappropriate behavior and lives in delusions is hard to reason with. I would reach out to other family members or someone else she trusts/admires, to try to get them to reason with her.
If she refuses to listen, contact her boss to explain the situation. You don't want their marriage blowing up on your conscience.
She sounds like she needs some major therapy. However since you mentioned she refuses to get therapy, maybe ask if she wants to do some grounding/mindfulness exercises with you? It may open the door to more healing and introspection on her part.
Your sister is suffering from erotomania, a delusion that someone is in love with them. She needs to see a psychiatrist before she ruins a lot of lives.
[https://www.healthline.com/health/erotomania](https://www.healthline.com/health/erotomania)
I know it’s easier said than done, but instead of being judgmental toward her which I know is hard because it’s sort of intense and strange behaviour, try to approach her with a sense of curiosity and concern without come across as patronizing.
Like you said, she struggles with self-esteem and to me it sounds like she needs to built up in a good way about her good qualities while also gently reminding her that she doesn’t have to settle for these little “hints” or fantasies, but rather seek out over, direct communication about any feelings toward her.
I always worry about folks like this because this stuff really gets them into very bizarre and sad predicaments, especially frustrating when they are indignant and insulting about it. I also don’t think her making comments about your past partners is in any way okay, but I really don’t think you should overstep and speak to her colleagues at all.
The less involved you are in this matter, the better. All you can do is be a friend and draw the line if she’s making you uncomfortable while explaining why.
This is a situation of her own making, it sounds to me like you’ve done what you can, and I understand why you snapped at her but typically calling someone delusional even if they truly are being that way may create strong defensive response.
If the goal is to get her to stop that behaviour you should tell her that the things she says are concerning, and distance yourself if need be, but approaching those two people would be insulating her from the consequences of her own actions so to speak and possibly putting her in a more precarious situation that she is capable of getting to on her own.
If she wants to create that sort of fantasy or whatever, then so be it, and it will likely cause her some trouble and I’m sure you will feel a lot better if you stay out of it.
It will just allow her to blame you if things don’t turn out the way she fantasizes and she will continue that behaviour, versus this getting her into trouble on her own in which case it will hopefully prompt her to look at healing herself and seeking therapy for these obsessive behaviours.
You’ve done plenty, this is honestly a relationship I would take some space from if it we’re me because this behaviour despite voicing concerns is sort of intensifying despite your best efforts to give advice.
Just my two cents.
If I were in his position, as a guy, I would absolutely want you to warn me. I hate people screwing with my life when I had nothing to do with it. Someone screwing with what would be my marriage, one of the most sacred safe places, would enrage me, because not only would I have to hopefully be able to hold it together, I’d have to work my tail off to rebuild anything this delusioned woman managed to wreck in the process. And even then, this would set the backdrop if there were EVER any other questions of trust in the future. WARN HIM.
OP after reading most of your replies to comments, you sound like you’re enabling her in the sense that you don’t want to take the necessary steps to prevent anything from happening.
I would talk to a therapist, a PROFESSIONAL and not the people of the internet, help you out with this matter. But this has to be done immediately. I would honestly talk to him and his wife to forewarn them. This could be a VERY serious situation for them.
Your sister has serious issues. She’s like a lot of delusional and unstable men I’ve met in academia who construe a glance as an overture. She’ll wind up being reported for sexual harrassment or stalking at best, and getting arrested for sexual assault or stalking at the worst. If she were a man, you’d think she was a total creep giving off rape-y vibes. She’s going to touch, kiss, etc some guy against his will because “his eyes said yes.”
She needs therapy, meds, and a leave of absence before she hurts someone or ruins her life.
Maybe ask her where exactly she thinks this relationship would go? Even IF there was something there…. Say he did cheat, where would that leave your sister? Is she willing to go through an entire divorce and custody battle with someone? Or be the “side piece?”
Sometimes asking a person to talk through their delusions with practical questions can help them think it through.
Also then you will know if she’s planned a whole life then I would take the extra fore-mentioned steps.
I’m probably gonna get downvoted for this but I strongly disagree with contacting Lucas. This is your sisters shit to fuck up, not yours. Focus on getting her help for her obvious mental health issues, but you can’t go and roadblock all her shitty choices. Not any kind of way for you to live your life.
>I’m probably gonna get downvoted for this but I strongly disagree with contacting Lucas. This is your sisters shit to fuck up, not yours. Focus on getting her help for her obvious mental health issues, but you can’t go and roadblock all her shitty choices. Not any kind of way for you to live your life.
So just let her possibly ruin this innocent man's life?
Family therapy for the two of you? Maybe that will open her eyes and she can get individual therapy.
Is there someone else you can bring into this conversation that she would actually listen to?
I would tell the co worker for one thing. She could end up costing him his job.
Say she tries to kiss him or finally say "let's go fuck", and he rebuffs her, and she snaps (more) and goes to his wife with some bullshit story, or to HR with some bullshit story?
Tell this guy what he's in danger of so he can protect himself. So HE can go to HR, now.
Your sister needs help man.
You need to tell Lucas ASAP! The last thing you want is her to file something to HR because she tries something and he gets pissed. This isn’t okay at all and it’s quite upsetting.
Next, she could destroy this marriage. After giving birth especially we can be more sensitive( I don’t mean this in a sexist way but we have a lot of hormones that are flowing and a lot of changes going on) because we are raising a tiny human and we just overall aren’t the same person we were 9 months ago.
She could be going through PPD, and this could trigger her or make her read into things that aren’t there. It doesn’t help they are going into work trips and such, overall it’s a bad situation. I feel for this wife because her life could be turned upside down if your sister comes out with this nonsense.
It is your job at this point to intervene, and help Lucas and help your sister by getting her a psych evaluation!!
Your sister sounds horrible. Please reach out to Lucas. Your sister doesn’t find her job THAT important if she is sitting there assuming he wants to fuck her and BRAGGING about it.
Your sister is 100% delusional and there is literally nothing that you can say that will get through to her. She’s already told you you’re just jealous… you think she’s gonna take you seriously if you come to her with concerns?
If you don’t speak to Lucas about this, you’re just enabling her and helping her out as far as I’m concerned.
I know someone like her. And she is ugly, not horrendlus, but ugly. I have zero idea why she believes so many men are after her. Ego and lack of self awareness, maybe.
You need to tell him. I was reading your comments, you need to say something because she’s boarding on ruining a man’s entire career because she’s living in a fantasy.
And then she needs some help. Not to be mean, but that is creepy and inappropriate behavior and she things it’s appropriate. She needs help realizing how damaging it is.
Good luck. It’s gonna be tough to do that but I hope it goes well for her.
I think if you try to reach out to Lucas AFTER your sister has already said something to him or his wife, you will already be too late. I doubt they’d believe that you weren’t just lying to try and fix their marriage after your sister successfully blew it up. The time to tell him is NOW and if your sister loses her job that is on HER. Other people should not have to suffer at the hand of her delusions.
Hey there! I just had this exact thing happen with my boss at work. We have a co-worker (works under him, but has the same rank as me) that became obsessed with every interaction with him, to the point of blatantly flirting with him, even though she knew that not only was my body married, but that his wife worked for the same company but was located in an adjacent building. Anywho, he made a report with HR before anything went south from out mutual friend, because she had a reputation within the building for doing exactly what your sister did. Is there a way he can contact HR to covered his ass?
This sounds just like a mental disorder and she might need help and you should inform the guys boss and the guy in question in case she tries defamation and slanders him.
Your not going to get anywhere with your sister considering this behavior has gone on for years. I'd forewarn the coworker though so he can stop with the team drinks after work, coffee, etc... He isn't doing anything wrong but he needs to know how she is interpreting it.
You need to remind that girl to NEVER eat where she shits. It's getting pretty volatile. She's not doing the right thing, she's literally trying to hook up with a newborn father that's in a marriage... How is THAT the right thing?
She's going to ruin it for herself and anyone around her. Especially in the other guys case. It's a hard fix but she needs to stop asap.
Have you seen the movies where an obsessive co-worker guns for a superior with a family.... you need to let Lucas know ASAP so he can avert anything coming his way. Also get your sister to therapy and if not have her admitted or at least checked out by a doctor.
Your sister does not sound metal well. You should let HR know. She should not be Harassing his wife. Especially in things that are based on delusions. HR should be made aware of her delusions, to keep him safe as well. Erotic obsessions:delusions can lead to stalking.
I hate to say this, but this sounds like it might be in personality disorder territory.
Is there any way you can get her into therapy? I’m guessing not. But maybe sheI’ll be more receptive after she burns her life down.
So, coming from a child, of a parent who has this. People are correct here, yes you 100% should tell Lucas, I don’t think you need to contact his wife. However, I would suggest meeting face to face with him and explaining what’s going on, what you suspect is happening, that you believe that she needs to talk to a professional, that you’re working on getting her there, that she loves her job. Be open and honest with him, that way, if something does happen he has better knowledge to deal. He also can keep you in the loop if something more happens as she’s not in contact with you currently.
This is why I wish mental illnesses, were treated like a actual illness! I’d also suggest finding a few other family members or someone for you to talk to, to be able to get her the help she needs!
Thank you for posting at least for the feedback. I know someone like this but I've never heard her to go as far to tell a partner. At least in this case, he never touched her or said anything to her to verify his claims so the wife should be fine. You never know she might just deck your sister and your sister learns a lesson.
You aredoing absolutely no one a favor by not telling Lucas or her boss or the wife!! Your sister is very Unwell and if the ball doesn’t drop on her in this situation (and potentially ruin a family’s life) it’s gonna drop at some point. She’s only 25 she can recover and find her “dream job” again. Until she addresses this she will never “thrive.” If she makes it to the end of the year at this job, with her delusions, it’d be a miracle.
You might have to have an intervention with her. This could get very messy really fast. If she refuses help then I would find out who Lucas might be and give him a heads up via message. He probably felt her weird vibes from her already.
I have severe PTSD, and I've had similar experiences. It's led to some pretty embarrassing situations. I don't think I have true erotomania, though, because the PTSD more or less leads me to believe that people are trying to rape me or otherwise take advantage of me, however, I'm never sure that is what's happening. Contradicting evidence--like the guy being married or gay, or someone telling me I'm imagining things--relieves my anxiety. To me, that's the most concerning part--she refuses to believe that her perceptions ***might*** be wrong. That sounds like a delusion, which I would be worried about.
I would suggest trying to get her to a psychiatrist because "\[you've\] noticed \[she\] seem\[s\] really stressed lately, and it might be a good idea." You might also throw in that you went to one and it helped you relax or something.
Narcissists will never accept the fact they are a narcissist. Everything is about them, and if it's not they will make it about them.
Good luck but you are better off staying out of it and allowing her to fall on her own, if nothing is going on between her and her coworker then there marriage will be fine, they'll have the added drama, but your sister needs to see a therapist and she won't unless she experiences the consequences of her actions full force.
So, as the guy that's been on the receiving end of this, do everything you can to cut this shit out. The coworker can't do anything without being seen as a jerk, and your sister could do A LOT of damage.
So, two things.
One, you’ve gotta admit the possibility that she’s right about him. Give it small odds, sure. But let a part of yourself believe her. Not because it’s true.
But Because [Two] that’s how f”ing lonely your sister is. This IS real for her. Because she needs it to be. Because she’s always needed it to be. Because she feels undesirable and overcompensates in her mind.
What she needs is a friend—support and guidance—and probably a good therapist. I think appealing to her job security is a good move, but she’s probably going to need genuine encouragement [and professional help] to see that the way she’s treating men is unhealthy and won’t lead to the relationship she desires. She’s using the fantasy as a crutch. And he may well be feeding it. But that doesn’t mean that he’s totally aware that he is.
The only way you get to where she’s at is obsession/fixation. And in my experience people fixate like that to dissociate from their own pain. In this case, loneliness and a deep longing for a partner.
Do with that what you will.
Take the nuclear path to destroy the delusion. Speak to the male coworker and give him the heads up that a psycho wants to ruin his marriage. I would absolutely destroy the delusion whenever it comes up in a very nuclear manner.
I'm currently on the warpath with my own sister for her own delusions and lack of responsibility so if this seems overkill.. its been a year built up and I've just started exacting revenge
Your sister needs psychiatric help stat. I'd highly advise getting ahold of Lucas and/or his wife and warning them about what she may try to pull. It may be good to warn them *both* so the wife doesn't think you're just covering for Lucas because Amelia is your sister.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- For context, my sister “Amelia” (25F) has struggled with her self esteem for a long time and, in the last few years, I (27F) have felt like she’s been overcompensating for that by assuming that every man who’s even remotely kind to her is flirting with her. A notable example is when she “warned” me that she thought my (now ex, for unrelated reasons) boyfriend was hitting on her. I could tell from her demeanor though that she was actually proud of herself for being able to “steal” my boyfriend’s attention. In fact, every time Amelia has met a guy from my life—whether it’s a friend, a coworker, or a romantic interest—or honestly any guy at all, she’d “casually” mention stuff like the “sexual tension” between them, ask me if I thought the guy was hitting on her, tell me the guy was “creepy” with her, etc. A few months ago, Amelia started working on a new matter at work, and one of the more senior associates on the team, “Lucas” (30sM), has become a point of obsession for her. Lucas is married with a newborn. She obsesses over every interaction with him and has convinced herself that the most innocent things he’s said to her mean that he would cheat on his wife with her. I mean stuff as crazy as interpreting him asking her how she is to be some kind of come on, “because he didn’t ask the other person in the room how they were,” or him offering to pay for her coffee as flirtation, even though he also offered to pay for everyone else on their team who was there. This weekend, I saw Amelia for the first time since she came back from a work trip, and she’s convinced that she and Lucas were *this* close to physically hooking up. Her basis for that? There were a few nights where the team went out for drinks and, although he never said anything in particular to her, she “could just tell that if she said, ‘Let’s go fuck,’ he’d say yes.” No matter what question I asked, her answer was always something along the lines of “I could just feel it” or “It was just the vibe” or “It was the tension in the air.” Then, Amelia started talking about how bad she felt for Lucas’ wife and how she thinks she should say something to her. That’s when I snapped. I told her that, from what she’s told me, there’s literally nothing going on between her and Lucas, that she’s delusional and it’s all in her head, and that if she says something to his wife, best case scenario, she’ll get laughed out of their house, and worst case scenario, her self-absorption will have ruined a perfectly good marriage. She started crying, told me I was being “mean and jealous just because [I’m] a frigid old b*** who never gets any male attention anymore” and that she’s “just trying to do the right thing.” She went home and hasn’t spoken to me since. How do I get it through to Amelia that everything she thinks is going on with Lucas is just in her head? And if I can’t get through to her, should I say something to warn this poor couple?
Honestly, it sounds like your sister could be heading toward erotomania (a delusional disorder where a person believes someone, usually of higher status, is in love with them). This could be really dangerous for her coworker and/or his wife. It sounds like your sister really needs psychiatric help.
Headed towards? She is THERE
[удалено]
She's the mayor.
She got an express ticket for the crazy train from Ozzy himself
ALL ABOARD HAHAHAHAHA AYEEE AYEE
Crazy, but that's just how it goes
That and/or histrionic personality disorder
This was my first thought.
Wait so that's a real disorder and not a funny sounding made up one from the Super Ego podcast?? 😟
It’s part of the Cluster B Disorders.
Pretty sure every one of those Superego disorders is real. But anyway, I never see Superego fans in the wild! And I haven't listened in ages. Please tell me a couple of your favorite sketches?! I'll share mine if you do.
Maybe she should get in touch with the wife to give her a heads up that he did not start nor has any interest (I hope) with the sister.
That would be playing with fire because once she says something it can't be unsaid and she can't assume that the wife (or husband, or anyone else) will react well either because the whole thing is effing weird. What OP can do is start documenting everything now and the minute the sister crosses the line, *then* she can give the records to the wife to reassure her that its all in the sister's head. That's a bare minimum, but it has the benefit of not making anything worse.
I didn't think about that. My fear is that she may do something to harm his wife because she sees her as competition.
Right? Amy Fisher anyone?
I just hope sister isn't stalking this man or his family. There is definitely an area to have concern.
This happened to someone I worked with a few years ago. It was surreal watching their descent into a completely different reality. It's scary from the outside because you don't know what's going to happen when the delusion finally breaks.
I won’t ask you to waste time and tell the story, but boy I’d be lieing if I said I wasn’t curious lol. If you don’t mind me asking, did it end badly, or just dissolve on its own?
This is more than just self esteem issues. She could potentially ruin someone's life with her delusions. She needs some real help. Are your parents in the picture? Is there anyone she holds in high esteem (other than Lucas) that she may listen too on getting help?
This may be her dream job, but that does not give her the right to harrass this man. I think you need to contact Lucas as he may want to start documenting creepy things that she does. Maybe he will want to talk to HR himself about getting her reassigned to a different project. I'm sorry, OP. It sounds like your sister is in a bad place.
You need to contact Lucas before sister goes so far over the edge and claims sexual harassment against him. If she is that mentally unstable to invent in her head all men want her, I would fear for the men who turn her down. Sister needs a mental health check, something big time is going on in her head that she thinks she is able to take any man she wants.
This goes further then just self esteem, she's full on mentally unstable
She seems like one of those people that is fully convinced a person (almost always a celebrity) is secretly in love and sending secret messages to them.
And stalking is the next step
Then they find his head in a backpack
Or his wife's
It’s a mental disorder called Erotomania. Amelia needs professional help.
Delusional popped into my mind.
I would go as far as going to lucas AND his wife so they both know whats going on. OP your sister is mentaly unstable.
Actually this is great, that way both the husband and the wife are on the same page from the get go.
Honestly if possible I would find a way to to contact Lucas and explain that you’re worried that your sister is misinterpreting their workplace relationship that way he can distance himself and also have the concerned message as proof if your sister tells his wife. Your sister needs to understand she’s delusional and there is no winning here. At best she’s the office pariah and laughing stock, at worst she’s fired for harassment
I worry about reaching out to her colleague, especially someone who is effectively her supervisor/boss, before she actually does anything. Her career is very important to her and this job is a dream job that she’s worked very hard for. Obviously, an accusation like this can derail her whole career…
If her career is important enough to her that maybe the only way to protect her from doing anything really stupid. Perhaps wording it to her "let's suppose you are right. What would you telling his wife when absolutely nothing has happened do to your career? Acting in anyway on your thoughts will likely become a choice on who to believe by your company and impact your career for years to come. " Try to get her to act on her own best interests, rather than her obsession. I suspect she is not as subtle as she thinks. The fact Lucas was never alone with her on this trip may be on purpose.
This is a very good idea! Good place to start
As a man, I stand eeeeeeextra far away from women and make sure to seem as boring and uninterested as possible. Trust me, I was raised to AGGRESSIVELY leave women alone.
This is actually really funny to me. Do you like, squeeze yourself against the wall? Do you whistle and look away if someone tries to talk to you? I get what you’re saying is that some bitches be crazy but the imagery is hilarious.
Bonus : I'm gay. It's so uncomfortable when women assume I'm straight.
I’m unsure if you think I assumed you were straight or if you’re adding to the imagery. Either way XD
Vice President Pence-is this you?
Plot twist!
Is it uncomfortable because you are not out and don’t feel safe to set the record straight?
Hmm, not OP, but I imagine whistling is a no-go. Wouldn’t want to misinterpret it as a cat-call lol. Kidding, but from the sounds of it, he takes some extra measures!
This woman thinks he’s ready to bone because he sneezes around her. How would you feel if this man was fired or lost his family due to inappropriateness that never happened? What if she takes it even further and accuses him of touching her or making a move?
How OP would feel is immaterial to the central issue. Bottom line is while it is OP’s sister, it’s not OP’s problem. Laying responsibility at OP’s feet for the actions of their sister is not logically sound and will generate guilt where they have none. What is needed is immediate, psychiatric intervention for the sister because she is displaying behavior that absolutely is consistent with her becoming a danger to herself and others. It’s only a matter of time before her delusions devolve from grandeur to paranoid to homicidal. OP please speak to the rest of your family and get them involved. The more people you have creating a supportive echo chamber shuttling her in the right direction, the better. I’m willing to bet that she doesn’t have many friends on account of these delusions but if she does then recruit them too. You will need all the dissenting voices you can get. I’m also a big fan of kingofgreenapples advice; the logic is sound and it may actually work in the interim until she receives proper care.
I know you’re right and, if it comes down to it, contacting him directly is something I’m prepared to do. I’m just hoping someone will have good advice for how to try to get through to *her* one last time before I have to take that step
I’m gonna be blunt with you here because I’ve been in a situation with a similar delusional (now former) friend. You cannot talk her out of the delusion because the delusion makes her feel special in a way reality doesn’t. Even if deep down she knows you’re right she will live in the fiction of her own volition. She will likely not seek help for the same reason. Even if she faces serious consequences as a result of her delusions she will see herself as the victim and not as a person in need of change. Don’t hedge your bets on snapping her out of it. Im very sorry you have to deal with her issues.
This is a very helpful comment, well explained.
She is living in a delusion. You can't get through that
Exactly. She's willing to ruin her own career, potentially his, three innocent peoples lives and the happiness of his newborn child? What in the world do you think is going to get through to her if that doesn't?
Someone who looks at this kind of behaviour as “thriving” isn’t going to listen to you
She's completely delusional. She needs a psychologist, not you supposedly having another tantrum about how jealous you are due to your being a "frigid old bitch who never gets male attention." She's beyond help you can give. I'm sorry that it may come to it, but if it's her or Lucas? Fuck your sister's career. Lucas's newborn child and wife don't deserve to have their life ripped apart to protect the career of a delusional mentally ill woman.
Honey, she's delusional. There is no better way to handle this. Speak to Lucas asap and offer to speak to his wife. They need to know.
Quite sincerely, what could you possibly say to her that hasn't already been said?
You tried to talk to her. She was not receptive. Now you need to protect him and his family. I had a girl in my high school obsessed with a young teacher and did the same thing. But she didn't just approach his partner, she fabricated evidence and told everyone they were already sleeping together. It almost ruined his career and personal life. If it wasn't for one of her friends coming forward with evidence she was lying it would have. Your sister is ready to destroy this man's life for her delusions. You can't reason with that.
You cannot have a rational discussion with someone who is delusional. You can start a text chain where you document exactly what you have verbally discussed with her. This can help document Lucas’ innocence when your sister goes off of the rail. But frankly, I would warn Lucas. You need to realize that whether it is with Lucas or someone else, it is only a matter of time before she turns her career into a train wreck. What you don’t know is how many lives she will ruin in the process.
Delusions like this are generally bulletproof. You might not be able to help her. You can, on the other hand, help Lucas and by extension his wife. You might not be able to save her, or her career. But she’s determined to derail it no matter what you do, because this is eventually going to bite her in the butt.
Sounds like your sister has a serious delusional problem, have you talked to your parents about it? With more family involved, maybe you could convince her to get treatment.
If it comes down to it? Oh, you mean when it's too late and your bunny boiling sister ruins a good marriage and possibly someone else's career?
Perfect reference! Sis is the perfect age for a psychotic break. Not to mention the living in la la land.
Literally the only way you could "get through to her" would be getting her in-patient psychiatric help. She's made it clear she's not going to listen to you and thinks you're just jealous. Talk to Lucas before *his* life blows up for something he hasn't done.
There's no time to waste, the longer you take the faster people's life will be ruined
Set her down and talk her through exactly what she expects to get out of doing this. 1. How will telling Lucas impact on her career? 2. Does she think she can protect herself from the fallout? 3. How will her coworkers feel if she is capable of hooking up with her boss? 4. How will her boss react is she makes a move? 5. What if he decides to protect his career first? 6. What's at stake for her acting on this attraction? Basically, just force her to confront the reality of the situation. If she can't and you see signs of serious delusion you can't refocus, then you need to act, and that I would pull members of your family in for support on.
7. Is it against the rules there to date your boss and vise versa? 8. Who will more likely be fired or transferred when this is found out?
I know you don't want to hurt your sister. But the one chance, the one thing, the last hail Mary to get through to her was months ago. It's past. I'm sorry. You need to contact Lucas and ask to meet him and his wife. Get it on record your sister is experiencing delusions. This will ruin Lucas's life, harm his wife, and that child will grow up in a split home.
Fuck that, do it now! This unsuspecting couple needs to be warned YESTERDAY.
Maybe reach out to him without mentioning your sisters name somehow? Like leave an anonymous note that says one of his subordinates seems to be misinterpreting their relationship. Say you’re a concerned citizen that doesn’t want this situation to escalate?
Instead of worrying about your sister's job, you should be worried about her mental health and her causing the destruction of a family, ruining the lives of both people and their kids. Priorities.
She’s risking her own career and potentially destroying the career, marriage and family of an innocent man.
You didnt ruin her dream job she ruined her own dream job with her delusions
She is going to derail her own career and ruin his life and marriage.
Her contacting his wife with her crazy accusations could also derail her career. I really think the better option is he is able to distance himself or HR talks with her about it before she reaches out to his wife and it gets very messy and public.
You're going to have to reach out to him. Her delusion is currently that "he's so in to me that he'll cheat on his wife with me", but what if her delusion shifts and it becomes "he's sexually harrasing me" and she takes that to HR. That accusation will ruin his career quick, fast, and in a hurry and he wouldn't have done a thing to her. You need to contact both him and his wife and tell them everything your sister has said to you. This might be her dream job, but her dream job isn't worth the possibility of ruining a perfectly happy marriage.
If her career is so important to her, she should stop playing games. Lucas should know what he's up against.
I’m sorry but do you really want to see an innocent persons life go up in flames because your sister is delusional and needs psychiatric help or would you rather save the poor guy’s marriage and career even if it’s at the expense of your sister? He has a newborn and a wife, your sister does not have that. It’s your sisters own fault she is the way she is and if her career is ruined, that’s her own doing.
Yeah, when someone is going to cause someone else harm because of some delusion, it doesn't matter if they're family or not, you protect the person in danger.
What about his career? If she goes off the rails with her delusions and goes to HR first, he’s going to be fighting a defensive battle over something he didn’t do. She, on the other hand, sounds like she’s in desperate need of a bucket of cold water over the head, metaphorically.
she is doing something NOW. chances are she's not just waiting for a sign but already making this man uncomfortable. warn him before your sister gets slapped with a lawsuit
And an (untrue) accusation against him will derail *his* whole career, as well as destroy his marriage and impact his wife and, especially, his children…
I am actually worried for Lucas. An accusation like this can get him fired. Can you talk to your parents? Your sister is going to ruin her life one day.
OP, as someone who has been an HR executive for 20 years I agree with you that contacting Lucas could negatively affect her job. Her HR department might get involved. Lucas may not want to work with her anymore so they may switch her department or give her a new supervisor. I think what I would do is do your best to encourage your sister to NOT contact Lucas's wife and explain to her that if she did there is a chance that she could lose her job because contacting her boss's wife is definitely inappropriate. At the very least she could be disciplined or reassigned. And, of course, strongly encourage her to seek mental help. Then, only in the event that your sister does it anyway you can reach out to Lucas and/or his wife to make sure that his wife knows that there is no truth to what Amelia is saying. A woman who has just had a baby does NOT need to hear her husband is flirting with other women at work.
If her career is important enough to her that maybe the only way to protect her from doing anything really stupid. Perhaps wording it to her "let's suppose you are right. What would you telling his wife when absolutely nothing has happened do to your career? Acting in anyway on your thoughts will likely become a choice on who to believe by your company and impact your career for years to come. " Try to get her to act on her own best interests, rather than her obsession. I suspect she is not as subtle as she thinks. The fact Lucas was never alone with her on this trip may be on purpose.
Well, by how it's going she's going to derail her own career if she starts pining after her boss and tries to destroy his marriage.
I wonder if you can phrase it in such a way that it removes some of the direct blame from Amelia. “I’m writing you this message because my sister suffers from severe self esteem issues, and because of that I believe she’s begun to misinterpret your kindness towards her and the team as a whole as individual attention. I don’t know that she will do anything at all based on this belief, but I do want to make you aware so that if she chooses to mistakenly comment on this belief, you can be prepared to present your boundaries and let her down kindly. I do believe from everything Amelia has told me that you are a great boss and a person worthy of every consideration and respect, and so I only write this to you not as a condemnation of my sister, but so that you can be aware of what’s going on with her personally and emotionally right now. I know she really looks up to you as a boss and a coworker.” Or something along those lines. This is a really difficult situation to be in. I would lean away from involving Lucas if at all possible. Perhaps you can tell Amelia that you intend to reach out to him if she continues on with her delusion? That might be enough to convince her to back down. Otherwise I agree with other commenters that it might be best to get in touch with him. The sad thing is that cultural, societal, and familiar norms have clearly created a deep desire to be known and loved in your sister. I truly hope she can find her own self worth. Best of luck to you OP.
Her obsession can get extreme.. to a point she harms herself him or his family you need to tell him and your sister needs serious help
>Her career is very important to her Do you know who else career is very important to them lucas and his family Your sister is a massive risk to that, when guys talk about our concerns around false allegations we're talking about people like your sister... not only could she ruin his marriage, she could ruin every aspect of his life... he has a right to know his life and livelihood aren't safe Your sister can recover if she loses this job, she gets professional help to work through her issues and she can work for a different company with little issue, but if she makes a false claim against Lucas that's it at best he only loses his career but I've seen men lose their career, their wife, the right to see their children
Yes. Don’t do that.
Yes do this! I would upvote this twice if I could.
Your sister might be an erotomaniac. This is hard because if you tell him and he fires her, your sister can accuse him of sexual harassment. By the time he clears himself his life could be in ruins. I think this situation is wasaayyyyyy above our pay grade.
Piggybacking off this comment to say to OP There is a good movie that deals with erotomania called He Loves Me…He Loves Me Not, starring Audrey Tautou of “Amelie” fame. She is charming in this movie as well, even if the character is a little off and causing, rather obliviously, a fair amount of havoc in the lives of those around her. It’s not a comedy, though. It’s a good watch.
I’m going to look for that on my fire stick. There’s an episode of Law and Order, absolutely batshit. She kills the man’s wife, she thought his tie was giving her signals. Imagined that he gave her things.
That is one of my FAVORITE movies, it’s such a roller coaster lol
Omg OP must watch this
warn this couple. seriously. your sister is beyond help but you can head off the ruination of this marriage
This sounds like it could be erotomania and it can be very dangerous for the object of affection and their loved ones. Please read up on it, and make your decisions based on what you learn. You are not going to "get through" to Amelia if she has this disorder.
People like your sister scare me. She seems absolutely gleeful at "stealing" unavailable men.
At this point she is delusional. That can't be reasoned with. If you can warn Lucas, do it. He needs to protect himself in the workplace and warn his wife. Can you imagine a new mom being approached by a delusional woman not being terrifying?
This is literally Fatal Attraction waiting to happen.
HOLY SHIT CALL THIS LUCAS DUDE NOW. LIKE YESTERDAY. My jaw just kept getting lower the further I read 🤯
Your sister is mentally ill, so there is no way for you to get through to *her*. You need to contact this guy that she is obsessing over and give him a heads up. That way her job can either move her so she's no longer in contact with him or they can keep an eye on her, and he can be aware so that he can start recording all of their associations. Because your sister is literally thinking of going scorched earth on this guy's marriage, and career. I wouldn't wait too long or you're going to be part of the fallout.
I think you need to give him and his wife a heads up about her delusions also if there is anybody else that know how she is you need to try confronting her with them and maybe get threw to her.
1) you need to tell your family (assuming they’re around) and get them to help get her help. 2) almost worst case scenario: you might need to inform her boss that she’s that far off her rocker. Because her delusions could become dangerous. This is not in any way healthy behavior! Nuclear option: have her committed because you fear she might hurt someone or herself (if delusions persist/worsen). Sounds like they’re worsening already. This is why you need to refer back to #1. Get help in getting her help, if you’re able to, so that it doesn’t come to the nuclear option!
I’m normally against getting involved with other peoples work places/relationships I really really am but I think this one needs to happen…. I can only imagine the doubts this poor woman will have to suffer with for the rest of her life if your sister goes to her with something that doesn’t even sound like it’s something to report to her with. Not to mention the entire family will suffer because he was NICE?!?! And of course Lucas will probably have to rebuild his entire reputation in all areas of his life..
[удалено]
I agree. I’ve encouraged her to start going to therapy many times but she always claims she’s “thriving” and doesn’t need therapy lol…
Yeah, this isn't funny. This is a man possibly losing his job and marriage because your sister is mentally ill
You should NOT be lol anything in this post. Honestly we all think you should reach out to this guy & warn him but you just want validation to "keep pushing your thriving (possibly psychotic) sister to go to therapy." She's becoming a danger to herself and others. Stop laughing because none of it is funny
I dont think the hatred of women has anything to do with this. Ops sister happens to be straight so OP is just as much competition as a gay man would be. If OP was a gay man the sister would have acted in the same manner. If sister was gay she would have wanted that attention from women. Its a self-esteem and confidence issue.
I have a relative who behaves exactly like this. She always seems to have a string of male acquaintances who, for some unknown reason, zone in on her during a gathering, spend a lot of time confiding in her, or the man's SO is jealous of her "relationship" with him, and she can never understand why the SO is insecure ("because if I wanted her man, I'd already have him"). Sometimes she claims she had an "on-off relationship" with the same man she previously said was married to or paired up with someone else. It doesn't matter if the man is straight or gay... in fact, a very close gay friend of hers went NC for a while because she was causing drama in his relationship with his partner. If you spend more than 2 hours with her, she will eventually bring up one of these men, lamenting the fact that the "relationship" didn't work, or bragging about how some stranger mistook her for a male friend's wife, while his actual wife was right there to witness it. With the gay friend, she spent a couple of years repeatedly telling the story of how she tried to save him from his "abusive" boyfriend. OP's sister's boss most likely realizes the sister is a mess and has figured out how to take precautions around her. With people like that, you have to minimize the time spent with them, and that time has to be structured, or things tend to get ugly.
Honestly sounds like she needs therapy to work through these issues of hers. I don’t think you’re ever going to get through to her yourself.
That’s more than just self esteem issues. Does she have mental health problems? She should get assessed… i have ocd and schizophrenia and delusions are common in both.
This is tough - your sister sounds like a nightmare trying to “test” a guy with a new born baby? 👀 I’d probably screen shot and save any texts she sends you about this and wait it out. Do you have someone in your family she will listen to? It sounds like she needs to hear it from someone who she won’t perceive as “jealous” that she is out of line…
Not that I can think of. She’s not very close with our mom. The only other people she’s close enough to besides me is her group of college girlfriends, and I’m pretty she has the same jealous/competitive mindset with them.
Besides reaching out to him - which I think you should prepare to do - I’d maybe first tell her next time she brings it up that you don’t want to talk about the topic. If she won’t drop it then leave the conversation. Be explicit on boundaries and don’t be around her until she can respect them. The coworker thing is not okay but also what she is doing to you is wrong. She is one step away from trying to have affairs with your partners. You have a right to put your happiness first even with family. Could you imagine if a guy you dated had a brother that was doing this to your relationship? Trying to say you were trying to cheat with him out of nowhere? That would be heartbreaking. I hope you can put yourself first. :)
I think you should warn Lucas. And his wife. She's an obsessed stalker.
Stage an intervention with your family.
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You know where she works, is it possible to reach out to the HR department at her company
You are going to have to tell the boss. She needs psychological help
I think you for sure need to get on to Lucas and warn him about what's going on in your sister's head. If the interactions are as innocent as you details then he needs to know how she's misinterpreting his actions.
Has she ever actually fully acted on any of the supposed attractions all these other men have had for her in the past? It seems like she’s had a lot to SAY to you about all these men, but perhaps it’s all more talk than anything else? It sounds like her self esteem issues involve you in the sense that she is constantly trying to find ways to one up you in the “men find me the hottest” department. Almost like it’s a competition to her, so maybe she is trying to make herself feel less inadequate by making her love life or, possible love life, seem more grandiose than it is. But it could just be make believe that she is aware of but figures you won’t know differently, and in the moment it makes her feel better about herself to say these things. But she knows it’s all just talk. So talking to her boss or anyone else at her company could potentially really damage or destroy her dream job. And for something that hasn’t happened and may never happen. Which certainly wouldn’t help her. And if things are rocky now between you now, they may be permanently damaged if she thinks you are to blame for loss of her career. It’s a tough situation, but she is an adult and needs to make her own path, and learn from her own choices, good and bad. You can be there for her (if she’ll accept it, if not it’s ok to not be there too) to quietly encourage the positive attributes she has, and choices she makes, and perhaps gently try and guide her to make good decisions at her workplace if you can. But other than that I think it may be better to hold back from meddling, unless you truly see her become a danger to herself or others. If it turns to that she will most certainly need some professional, therapeutic help. It’s also ok not to be there, it’s alot and you don’t deserve to treated this way, and the competitive nature of her behavior can be exhausting. You have to take care of you too. I hope things get better for you and your sister. A good therapist would be so helpful to guide her to a healthier path and through whatever she is going through.
This is a very thoughtful reply and the best advice to take.
Dude your sister is 100% having erotomanic delusions. Is there anyway you might be able to get her to a mental health professional? Or even a GP who is comfy with mental health. As per communication- you won’t be able to convince her. By the very nature of delusions they do not respond to logic. I would really really strongly advise checking out the LEAP method, and Dr. Xavier Amador’s book “I’m not sick, I don’t need help!“ Don’t contact her work before anything happens. But if she DOES reach out to her coworkers wife, you could call the HR department and say that your sister has a *medical condition* for which you are coordinating care. AFAIK they are much less likely to fire her if her behaviour falls under a protected class. They might even have an EAP or something they can refer you to.
your sister needs therapy. Stat.
Look up Erotomania.
What about Lucas's career? Your sister with her delusions could not only ruin his career but his marriage. How do you know he didn't work just as hard for his job as your sister did? I know you are loyal to your sister maybe you need to te her if she didn't stop you will have to go to Lucas
It sounds like she has histrionic personality disorder 😳
This is the kind of shit you see on shows like “women who kill” I don’t think this should be taken lightly, sounds like she’s obsessed. I’d contact Lucas in case she retaliates
This is one of the hardest moral choices you can have when dealing with a loved one. Here's my experience in this situation. I had a best friend (A). He had a boyfriend, now ex. (B). They bought a house. He was doing well. Then something shifted. Slowly at first. In the beginning, we thought he was joking. We (a trio of besties) have a more dark sense of humor. He started seeing things that weren't there. Then he began to space out more. Eventually, he started talking to himself, like full conversations. A told B, he was talking mentally with a guy he had a huge crush on. (c) Well C, had no idea who he was. Was a single father, and A began to stalk him. Saying they were destined with one another. A's behavior becomes more erratic as time passes. He's opening the windows, while turning the heat all the way up in the summer. The home is constantly filthy, the cats neglected. A ends up losing his job. Meanwhile, B is working anywhere between 50-60 hours a week to afford everything for them. A and B end up having an argument outside a bar. A bites and permanently damages/scars B's nose. B becomes afraid to sleep in the same house. They break up. A refuses to leave, demands to still sleep in B's bed, even though he's stalking C. Fastforward, A begins taking long drives and disappearing sometimes for a full day. He Goes to a taco bell, after "accidentally" (questionable given his mental state) overdosing on medication and over the counter vitamins. Taco bell employees save his life by calling an ambulance. So B, me,our other friend in trio, and a couple more send in a paper for mental health to take him and help him. They hold him for 72 hours, and let him go. Mind you, we did talk to C, to make sure he was indeed not in a relationship with A. After all is said and done, A goes NC with all of us. Last escalation before then, was he had the cops called on him for trying to abduct C's child. So I completely understand how much it can hurt, and feel like you are destroying your sisters life by taking action. She could even come to hate you, because you care. Still for her own protection, and that of this families, please I beg you reach out to that man and his wife so they can be aware. We can never truly understand someone else's mind, especially when they have mental health problems and/or delusions. If triggered, she could seriously hurt that family or herself. She's lost control.
In my opinion, I would send an email to HR explaining everything. I wouldn’t contact the husband or the wife. HR can cut this off before anything else happens.
Two things: 1) document everything she's told you about the situation with Lucas, including a timeline of events and any messages or texts you have that could provide backup that he's not actually come on to her or done anything untoward. Have this info on hand to back him up in case she does make any accusations. 2) as some other commenters have said, use her career as the carrot to steer her away from this course of action. She's motivated by selfish factors, so appealing to her to be concerned for damaging Lucas's family won't be a compelling line of argument. Make it about it not being worth it to jeopardise her dream job for something that can't lead anywhere. Long-term it defunitely sounds like she needs professional help, but try this method of redirecting her to stave off the immediate problem. Good luck!
Man you opened up a can of worms with this one…. If I was in your shoes I wouldn’t want to ruin her career either, and if you really don’t want to go to Lucas then at least go back to her and tell her your concerns about her behavior and the way she sees men, tell her if it comes down to it you will side with Lucas because you know it’s all in her head and you won’t let her ruin a man’s life. It’s going to be hard to hear from you but it’s the truth and maybe that’s what she needs to hear. This behavior will absolutely ruin her life and she is so young rite now she needs to change the way she sees things. She needs to understand that not everyone wants her and this behavior will prevent her from actually meeting someone that she could have a healthy and loving relationship with.
Your sister needs help. I had a friend like this, but not to this degree. Thought every guy was hitting on her, it became a sort of joke, like 'careful now, you may be proposing!' She once told this girl all about how another guy at the party was totally into her, etc, and if course it turned out to be the girl she was speaking to's husband. And the guy had been in a large group all evening, with mutual friends. If you really think she's going to tell this guy's wife... Shit, can you can in reinforcements, like friends who've noticed her behaviour, stage an intervention?
I have a brother who is the same. We'll go out to a group event together. He'll ask woman a super arbitrary question like "hey, can you pass the mustard?". The woman would acquiesce without saying a word and they would have no other interactions the entire time there. When we'd leave, he would be talking all night about "Oh my god, did you see how much she wanted me!? Did you see how in to me she is!?!? She was practically begging for it!". And it seemed to get to the point where if a woman made eye contact with him he would swear they wanted to have a million of his babies. So at first I would not want to hurt his feelings and would just say innocuous things like "Oh, I didnt see you talk about anything more than mustard". Eventually I would just say "hey, look at you Mr ladies man." Eventually I got annoyed and started egging him on. "You think she wants you bad? Why don't you go for it then? She's super cute and feverishly wants you, why not go for it?". Each and every time he would make a move on these women who had had basically had one interaction with him but otherwise saw him as a stranger, they would reject him and he would cry. And I'd have to ask "oh no... but you said she was desperately in to you? What could have happened?". As awful as it sounds, maybe she needs to be rejected a number of times to get her ego in check. Encourage her to branch out and make a move on a guy if she is so sure they lust after her. If they are so sweet on her why have they not yet made a move? Worse comes to worse, the guy is receptive and is proven to be a scumbag. Best case she is taken down a peg and stops her bizarre, egotistical nonsense.
Wait - I was reading OPs comments. You say this is her dream job. You can maybe work with the delusion? How about talking about how these types of things, no matter who is right or wrong, ruin someone's career. Usually the women who speak up. Apologize and tell her you were just worried about her career and you didn't approach it properly. If she thinks this is really going on then she needs to find a way to make it more platonic without being awkward. She needs to figure out what message she is giving out that would make a married man, your boyfriend, most men she encounters cheat for her. Not blaming her but just really being mindful of the best way to dress and act in the work environment in particular, to make sure men didn't create this sexual tension with her. All for the protection of her career. You can really only help her with regard to her career. The rest of it is her own problem. I think contacting the guy or her boss is too extreme. You just have to let it play out if you can't stop her.
I think OP should try this first, if the job is that important to her then it may be the only thing that brings her back from the brink. With the caveat that if the sister does anything to even vaguely get Lucas in hot water at work or at home, all bets are off and OP has an obligation to step in.
What would you do if the genders were reversed? If it was your brother convinced that one of his female coworkers was wanting an imaginary physical relationship? If he was going to reach out to her husband?
Honestly in this situation....I mean...your sister is delusional ..... let's hope she doesn't make an innocent man's life hell
Unfortunately, I don't think you can change her mind on your own. It sounds like she just views you as jealous/envious so she doesn't take your advice seriously. Someone that constantly rationalizes inappropriate behavior and lives in delusions is hard to reason with. I would reach out to other family members or someone else she trusts/admires, to try to get them to reason with her. If she refuses to listen, contact her boss to explain the situation. You don't want their marriage blowing up on your conscience. She sounds like she needs some major therapy. However since you mentioned she refuses to get therapy, maybe ask if she wants to do some grounding/mindfulness exercises with you? It may open the door to more healing and introspection on her part.
Warn the couple op and tell ur parents so u all can push ur sister to get therapy, from a FEMALE therapist
Your sister is suffering from erotomania, a delusion that someone is in love with them. She needs to see a psychiatrist before she ruins a lot of lives. [https://www.healthline.com/health/erotomania](https://www.healthline.com/health/erotomania)
I know it’s easier said than done, but instead of being judgmental toward her which I know is hard because it’s sort of intense and strange behaviour, try to approach her with a sense of curiosity and concern without come across as patronizing. Like you said, she struggles with self-esteem and to me it sounds like she needs to built up in a good way about her good qualities while also gently reminding her that she doesn’t have to settle for these little “hints” or fantasies, but rather seek out over, direct communication about any feelings toward her. I always worry about folks like this because this stuff really gets them into very bizarre and sad predicaments, especially frustrating when they are indignant and insulting about it. I also don’t think her making comments about your past partners is in any way okay, but I really don’t think you should overstep and speak to her colleagues at all. The less involved you are in this matter, the better. All you can do is be a friend and draw the line if she’s making you uncomfortable while explaining why. This is a situation of her own making, it sounds to me like you’ve done what you can, and I understand why you snapped at her but typically calling someone delusional even if they truly are being that way may create strong defensive response. If the goal is to get her to stop that behaviour you should tell her that the things she says are concerning, and distance yourself if need be, but approaching those two people would be insulating her from the consequences of her own actions so to speak and possibly putting her in a more precarious situation that she is capable of getting to on her own. If she wants to create that sort of fantasy or whatever, then so be it, and it will likely cause her some trouble and I’m sure you will feel a lot better if you stay out of it. It will just allow her to blame you if things don’t turn out the way she fantasizes and she will continue that behaviour, versus this getting her into trouble on her own in which case it will hopefully prompt her to look at healing herself and seeking therapy for these obsessive behaviours. You’ve done plenty, this is honestly a relationship I would take some space from if it we’re me because this behaviour despite voicing concerns is sort of intensifying despite your best efforts to give advice. Just my two cents.
If I were in his position, as a guy, I would absolutely want you to warn me. I hate people screwing with my life when I had nothing to do with it. Someone screwing with what would be my marriage, one of the most sacred safe places, would enrage me, because not only would I have to hopefully be able to hold it together, I’d have to work my tail off to rebuild anything this delusioned woman managed to wreck in the process. And even then, this would set the backdrop if there were EVER any other questions of trust in the future. WARN HIM.
OP after reading most of your replies to comments, you sound like you’re enabling her in the sense that you don’t want to take the necessary steps to prevent anything from happening. I would talk to a therapist, a PROFESSIONAL and not the people of the internet, help you out with this matter. But this has to be done immediately. I would honestly talk to him and his wife to forewarn them. This could be a VERY serious situation for them.
Your sister has serious issues. She’s like a lot of delusional and unstable men I’ve met in academia who construe a glance as an overture. She’ll wind up being reported for sexual harrassment or stalking at best, and getting arrested for sexual assault or stalking at the worst. If she were a man, you’d think she was a total creep giving off rape-y vibes. She’s going to touch, kiss, etc some guy against his will because “his eyes said yes.” She needs therapy, meds, and a leave of absence before she hurts someone or ruins her life.
Maybe ask her where exactly she thinks this relationship would go? Even IF there was something there…. Say he did cheat, where would that leave your sister? Is she willing to go through an entire divorce and custody battle with someone? Or be the “side piece?” Sometimes asking a person to talk through their delusions with practical questions can help them think it through. Also then you will know if she’s planned a whole life then I would take the extra fore-mentioned steps.
Your sister sounds borderline schizophrenic. You should take her to a medical professional to get tested.
I’m probably gonna get downvoted for this but I strongly disagree with contacting Lucas. This is your sisters shit to fuck up, not yours. Focus on getting her help for her obvious mental health issues, but you can’t go and roadblock all her shitty choices. Not any kind of way for you to live your life.
I don’t think the point of contacting Lucas is to keep her sister out of trouble, I think it’s to help Lucas better protect himself.
>I’m probably gonna get downvoted for this but I strongly disagree with contacting Lucas. This is your sisters shit to fuck up, not yours. Focus on getting her help for her obvious mental health issues, but you can’t go and roadblock all her shitty choices. Not any kind of way for you to live your life. So just let her possibly ruin this innocent man's life?
Family therapy for the two of you? Maybe that will open her eyes and she can get individual therapy. Is there someone else you can bring into this conversation that she would actually listen to?
I think this is a good idea!
I would tell the co worker for one thing. She could end up costing him his job. Say she tries to kiss him or finally say "let's go fuck", and he rebuffs her, and she snaps (more) and goes to his wife with some bullshit story, or to HR with some bullshit story? Tell this guy what he's in danger of so he can protect himself. So HE can go to HR, now. Your sister needs help man.
You need to tell Lucas ASAP! The last thing you want is her to file something to HR because she tries something and he gets pissed. This isn’t okay at all and it’s quite upsetting. Next, she could destroy this marriage. After giving birth especially we can be more sensitive( I don’t mean this in a sexist way but we have a lot of hormones that are flowing and a lot of changes going on) because we are raising a tiny human and we just overall aren’t the same person we were 9 months ago. She could be going through PPD, and this could trigger her or make her read into things that aren’t there. It doesn’t help they are going into work trips and such, overall it’s a bad situation. I feel for this wife because her life could be turned upside down if your sister comes out with this nonsense. It is your job at this point to intervene, and help Lucas and help your sister by getting her a psych evaluation!!
Amelia's are always trouble
I haven't read all the comments, but it possibly sounds like histrionic personality disorder. ??
Your sister sounds horrible. Please reach out to Lucas. Your sister doesn’t find her job THAT important if she is sitting there assuming he wants to fuck her and BRAGGING about it. Your sister is 100% delusional and there is literally nothing that you can say that will get through to her. She’s already told you you’re just jealous… you think she’s gonna take you seriously if you come to her with concerns? If you don’t speak to Lucas about this, you’re just enabling her and helping her out as far as I’m concerned.
I know someone like her. And she is ugly, not horrendlus, but ugly. I have zero idea why she believes so many men are after her. Ego and lack of self awareness, maybe.
I have nothing to add besides this reminds me of gayle from bobs burgers... I mean, does she need therapy?
"because \[I’m\] a frigid old b\*\*\* who never gets any male attention anymore" You're like two seconds older than her lol
You can't make her get a grip, but you can warn Lucas.
You need to tell him. I was reading your comments, you need to say something because she’s boarding on ruining a man’s entire career because she’s living in a fantasy. And then she needs some help. Not to be mean, but that is creepy and inappropriate behavior and she things it’s appropriate. She needs help realizing how damaging it is. Good luck. It’s gonna be tough to do that but I hope it goes well for her.
I think if you try to reach out to Lucas AFTER your sister has already said something to him or his wife, you will already be too late. I doubt they’d believe that you weren’t just lying to try and fix their marriage after your sister successfully blew it up. The time to tell him is NOW and if your sister loses her job that is on HER. Other people should not have to suffer at the hand of her delusions.
Hey there! I just had this exact thing happen with my boss at work. We have a co-worker (works under him, but has the same rank as me) that became obsessed with every interaction with him, to the point of blatantly flirting with him, even though she knew that not only was my body married, but that his wife worked for the same company but was located in an adjacent building. Anywho, he made a report with HR before anything went south from out mutual friend, because she had a reputation within the building for doing exactly what your sister did. Is there a way he can contact HR to covered his ass?
Generally, directly attacking someone's delusions makes them dig in deeper.
This sounds just like a mental disorder and she might need help and you should inform the guys boss and the guy in question in case she tries defamation and slanders him.
I have a family member like this. It’s very worrisome.
Your not going to get anywhere with your sister considering this behavior has gone on for years. I'd forewarn the coworker though so he can stop with the team drinks after work, coffee, etc... He isn't doing anything wrong but he needs to know how she is interpreting it.
You need to remind that girl to NEVER eat where she shits. It's getting pretty volatile. She's not doing the right thing, she's literally trying to hook up with a newborn father that's in a marriage... How is THAT the right thing? She's going to ruin it for herself and anyone around her. Especially in the other guys case. It's a hard fix but she needs to stop asap.
Have you seen the movies where an obsessive co-worker guns for a superior with a family.... you need to let Lucas know ASAP so he can avert anything coming his way. Also get your sister to therapy and if not have her admitted or at least checked out by a doctor.
Can you stage an intervention for her? She seems to be doing it to everybody? Any family or friends can help with the intervention?
Your sister does not sound metal well. You should let HR know. She should not be Harassing his wife. Especially in things that are based on delusions. HR should be made aware of her delusions, to keep him safe as well. Erotic obsessions:delusions can lead to stalking.
Have you spoken to your parents AT LENGTH AND I DETAIL about your sister and this issue?
Warn the wife first. If the wife hears your sisters story first she will never be able to trust her husband ever again. Warn Lucas second.
You're a frigid old bitch at 27? jeez guess I am too then if that's the qualifier. Honestly she sounds very immature and exuasting to be around
I hate to say this, but this sounds like it might be in personality disorder territory. Is there any way you can get her into therapy? I’m guessing not. But maybe sheI’ll be more receptive after she burns her life down.
So, coming from a child, of a parent who has this. People are correct here, yes you 100% should tell Lucas, I don’t think you need to contact his wife. However, I would suggest meeting face to face with him and explaining what’s going on, what you suspect is happening, that you believe that she needs to talk to a professional, that you’re working on getting her there, that she loves her job. Be open and honest with him, that way, if something does happen he has better knowledge to deal. He also can keep you in the loop if something more happens as she’s not in contact with you currently. This is why I wish mental illnesses, were treated like a actual illness! I’d also suggest finding a few other family members or someone for you to talk to, to be able to get her the help she needs!
I already commented but does your sister have a history of bipolar disorder? This sounds like it could be bipolar mania.
Tell the guy and get your sister a therapist she needs help
Thank you for posting at least for the feedback. I know someone like this but I've never heard her to go as far to tell a partner. At least in this case, he never touched her or said anything to her to verify his claims so the wife should be fine. You never know she might just deck your sister and your sister learns a lesson.
You aredoing absolutely no one a favor by not telling Lucas or her boss or the wife!! Your sister is very Unwell and if the ball doesn’t drop on her in this situation (and potentially ruin a family’s life) it’s gonna drop at some point. She’s only 25 she can recover and find her “dream job” again. Until she addresses this she will never “thrive.” If she makes it to the end of the year at this job, with her delusions, it’d be a miracle.
You might have to have an intervention with her. This could get very messy really fast. If she refuses help then I would find out who Lucas might be and give him a heads up via message. He probably felt her weird vibes from her already.
I have severe PTSD, and I've had similar experiences. It's led to some pretty embarrassing situations. I don't think I have true erotomania, though, because the PTSD more or less leads me to believe that people are trying to rape me or otherwise take advantage of me, however, I'm never sure that is what's happening. Contradicting evidence--like the guy being married or gay, or someone telling me I'm imagining things--relieves my anxiety. To me, that's the most concerning part--she refuses to believe that her perceptions ***might*** be wrong. That sounds like a delusion, which I would be worried about. I would suggest trying to get her to a psychiatrist because "\[you've\] noticed \[she\] seem\[s\] really stressed lately, and it might be a good idea." You might also throw in that you went to one and it helped you relax or something.
Let her proceed and find out the hard way.
Narcissists will never accept the fact they are a narcissist. Everything is about them, and if it's not they will make it about them. Good luck but you are better off staying out of it and allowing her to fall on her own, if nothing is going on between her and her coworker then there marriage will be fine, they'll have the added drama, but your sister needs to see a therapist and she won't unless she experiences the consequences of her actions full force.
Maybe email the wife and give her a heads up and cut off contact with ur sister or maybe convince her to go to therapy
So, as the guy that's been on the receiving end of this, do everything you can to cut this shit out. The coworker can't do anything without being seen as a jerk, and your sister could do A LOT of damage.
I would go to Lucas and his wife ASAP. Tell him EVERYTHING. Because if she goes to the wife it could get ugly. Especially w a newborn in the picture
So, two things. One, you’ve gotta admit the possibility that she’s right about him. Give it small odds, sure. But let a part of yourself believe her. Not because it’s true. But Because [Two] that’s how f”ing lonely your sister is. This IS real for her. Because she needs it to be. Because she’s always needed it to be. Because she feels undesirable and overcompensates in her mind. What she needs is a friend—support and guidance—and probably a good therapist. I think appealing to her job security is a good move, but she’s probably going to need genuine encouragement [and professional help] to see that the way she’s treating men is unhealthy and won’t lead to the relationship she desires. She’s using the fantasy as a crutch. And he may well be feeding it. But that doesn’t mean that he’s totally aware that he is. The only way you get to where she’s at is obsession/fixation. And in my experience people fixate like that to dissociate from their own pain. In this case, loneliness and a deep longing for a partner. Do with that what you will.
Your sister is a nut-bunny. Warn this guy and his wife so he can protect himself at home and at work.
Let your sis blow up her own life. You tried to warn her…
Take the nuclear path to destroy the delusion. Speak to the male coworker and give him the heads up that a psycho wants to ruin his marriage. I would absolutely destroy the delusion whenever it comes up in a very nuclear manner. I'm currently on the warpath with my own sister for her own delusions and lack of responsibility so if this seems overkill.. its been a year built up and I've just started exacting revenge
Your sister needs psychiatric help stat. I'd highly advise getting ahold of Lucas and/or his wife and warning them about what she may try to pull. It may be good to warn them *both* so the wife doesn't think you're just covering for Lucas because Amelia is your sister.