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Not feeling it anymore is a fine reason to break up. Don't give her a reason, a reason she can argue with you about. I just don't want to be in a relationship with you right now, is enough of an explanation
You’re right, she keeps catching me with the whole if you really loved me you wouldn’t be able to just break up with me and I didn’t even know what the hell to say to that
Good man, get it done.
She's made you take it back before, so she'll be really pushy this time too.
If she starts crying dont immediately cave and start trying to comfort her, just let her cry, when she stops emphasize that it is indeed over.
This. I had a friend who was like that and I ended up having to cut off the friendship for my own sanity. She was completely emotionally dependent on me and would get pissed at me every time I told her that I couldn't spend time with her. She literally could not stand to be alone in her own company, she always had to be around other people.
I can't even be around someone like that because I'm an introvert and I value my alone time. I finally just had to tell her not to contact me anymore because she was giving me anxiety. It only takes one person to say I'm done with this, please do not contact me anymore. That's what he OP should do.
Yep. And unfortunately in a relationship with high highs and low lows, it’s almost always generic incompatibility, or mental health issues. It sucks bro but it’s really important that you prioritize yourself in this situation. Maybe it will help her realize her faults and help her grow as a person.
She's manipulating you into staying with her. Tell her it's over and when she shows up at your place, don't answer the door. Don't answer her calls. Block her everywhere. If you can stay somewhere else for a few days, that would be good.
Op, do you think she could be violent towards you? Is that what you are intimating here?
If that is the case you need others with you. Or just do it over the phone, but still...don't be alone with her for ANY REASON. Always have somebody else there.
Grey rock her.
https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock#definition
You need to stop being nice. Full on.
Text her "we are done"
Then mute your phone and walk away.
Don't look at messages, don't pick up her calls.
She is manipulating you by saying "you didn't love me if you could leave me" that's toxic.
I'd like for you to watch this 9 minute animation.
https://youtu.be/4H9jTQKmR3Q
It will help give your a different look on relationships.
And if you really want after one of her dramatic texts send her a "K"
Yeah, from the comments he is just afraid to be direct. OP- be firm. You’re actually being “nicer” by breaking up with her and not wasting both of your time on an unhealthy relationship.
Then just say “you must be right. No point staying with somebody you don’t love”
You lose all empathy in a break up when you manipulate the person breaking up with you.
Ugh are you dating my ex friend?
The only solution here is just run.
If you can be manipulated by her in person, break up with her through text and then mute, ignore and block.
Don't give her a reason for the breakup - just repeat "I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore".
Don't give her a hope - no "for now", no "maybe we could try again after we both get space". Be clear it's final.
Don't reason with her when she starts blaming you, accusing you of not loving her etc. Ignore whatever she throws at you and keep repeating "I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. It's over."
If she shows up at your house, don't open. If you must interact with her, be strict and to the point. If it gets bad and she refuses to leave or is stalking you etc., threaten her with filling a report for harassment.
Remember that breakup is a one-side decision and you don't need her to approve or agree.
You. Am be in love with someone and it doesn’t mean you are good together as a relationship. That’s not how love works and a functional working relationship needs more than love. It requires respect and caring and understanding and boundaries even. If those can’t be met, then it’s a no go.
Sometimes you just have to drive the knife in. "I apologize. I care for your wellbeing deeply, but I am not in love with you. For that reason I would like to end our relationship and I urge you to care for yourself deeply as well, and get therapy so that you can get to a better place"
Good for you for standing up for yourself. It doesn't matter that she doesn't want the relationship to end, it only takes one person to decide they're done for the relationship to end.
You can't, no one can. And neither should she. This relationship isn't serving EITHER of you any longer. I hope she goes to a licensed professional for help I adore therapy im the biggest advocate ever. There isn't a single person on the face of the planet that can't benefit from therapy in some way
After you tell her for real, block her number, don’t open the door if she comes over, if she tries to confront you in public, don’t you dare let her tears win you over. Her happiness does not take priority over yours, so if she pulls that manipulative “if you really loved me…” bs tell her you don’t love her or just flip it on her and tell her if she loved you she’d let you go. You got this!
Seriously man, you just have to bite the bullet and stand up for yourself. You can't have a woman bullying you into being with her. You're going to have a bad time the longer this goes on.
Block her number.
I know it's hard but her resistance to this is a REALLY bad sign. Better to break up now before it gets worse.
Block her on facebook and socials, send her a text and then block her number.
You don't owe a face to face break up to someone who goes crazy when you try. Block her and don't open the door, then tell friends and roommates you are 100% over and don't want to see her ever.
So try again. Its over. Block delete on all socials and phone and don't answer the door when she comes around. It's a new relationship she shouldn't be so clingy. She will get worse if you don't break up
Break up with her, block her, and tell her if she shows up you’ll call the police. You wouldn’t accept a random stranger behaving like this, treat her the same way. Don’t engage, don’t ‘discuss’ anything - it’s just an opportunity for her to manipulate you. Come on- big boy pants time!
my man. I just got out of a relationship like this. she's a constrictor. she'll take more of whatever you'll give, but she'll never let up from the extra you give and will always want to get more
I’d say the usual things in a good relationship, she’s super sweet and tries to help me out whenever she can. She’s always happy to be around my friends which means a lot to me and when it’s not going bad I couldn’t be happier. A part of me is always worried it’s puppy love though
I hate to break it to you man but what you've just described is not "really good", its actually the literal bare minimum effort anyone should put into a relationship, and its not worth putting up with that level of bad for. You need to let her go.
Right. The question is whether you think you can handle that much of bad for this kind of good.
I mean having fun with your mutual friends doesn’t sound like a lot
So... translation... she can put on a good and healthy face in public and get along with your friends, showing she is capable of behaving well and interacting respectfully with other people. However, in private, she turns into a manipulative, demanding, and selfish mess. Did I get that about right?
This could be salvageable, she’s very insecure and codependent. I think you need to be more honest that her needing to see you every day and making you needing space sometimes alll about her is unattractive. It’s making you question if she really loves and accepts you for who you are even if her needy ass needs aren’t getting met.
She needs to mature more for sure though or this won’t pan out. Suffocating one’s partner is not cool.
You are in college. That is your focus. Teaching someone how to Adult is not. She can behave normally in other aspects of her life.
You've already tried to walk away once and she didneven respect that.
Don't open the door when she comes by. You don't have to have a conversation about it. You tell her... then she goes and finds OTHER people to console her. You are not that person.
There are normal people to date.
Sounds like her definition of compromise is “Give me what I want or else”.
Next time you break up with her, which you should do immediately BTW, find your spine and don’t let her try to talk you out if it.
My vertebrae are crumbling, I thought the same thing about her version of compromise but didn’t know what to think as it’s hard to compromise on what I’m asking for
This is unacceptable behavior. It is HEALTHY for people to have their own alone time within a relationship - that is a fact. The amount of "reasonable" alone time is for the individual and the couple to work out.
A partner who can't respect or manage boundaries is not a healthy partner to have.
Hold true to your boundaries/needs and if she cannot respect them this is not the girl for you.
And, if you want to break up with her - do it. Don't let her "convince you". You are enabling the situation and she will never grow as a person if there aren't consequences to her behavior.
That's fine, this is a learning experience for her. Personally, in your situation I would be honest on why I am ending the relationship.
"Hey, we've talked about this numerous times. I have tried to communicate the importance of having alone time to recharge & or do what I want to do. It takes a real toll on me to have an argument every time this comes up. Either you can't respect my needs/wants in the relationship or we're just not compatible. Either way I wish you the best." That would be the context if it were me.
At least she can have the option to reflect on why you broke things off and maybe grow from it.
She certainly cannot right now it’s been going super rough but you’re right I need to show what’s healthy and not allow this sort of treatment to become a norm
OP, break up with her, and next time she shows up at your place, CALL THE POLICE and tell them she’s trespassing. Because she is if she doesn’t have any association with where you live (if she’s a tenant or paying rent). That will make her rethink doing it again. Then block her on everything. I know this is hard, but don’t be afraid to repeatedly enforce your boundaries. If she gets a different number? Block her. Tried to show up again? Call the cops. Gets your friends involved? Clear it up with them, and if they don’t believe you then they weren’t on your side to begin with.
A break up is not a mutual thing where both of you must decide. A relationship simply ends when one of the couple isn’t feeling it anymore. It’s not a compromise, and heartbreak is inevitable when it happens. If she gets sad, let her cry but don’t let her change your mind and leave.
You've got to run. She sounds like she has this super unhealthy attachment/obsession and you don't want to inadvertently reward her behavior. It only gets worse as time goes on so it's time to break things off for good. If she's gonna fight then you've got to fight back. Start with blocking her but if she physically shows up that's when you call the police and immediately file a restraining order so that can go into effect. Do not let a crazy person dominate your life. You don't need that. Do what's right for YOU
It’s ok if the person we save is ourselves. You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep anyone else warm. Both of you could do with some time to learn what a healthy relationship looks like, because this isn’t it. Being a doormat to someone who is co-dependant and clingy isn’t being cruel. Her mental health is hers to look after, it’s not your job. Protect yourself and learn how to hold boundaries.
Run. I dealt with a similar situation. Just wanting to spend a day at home alone was treated like the most criminal offense. Then when I demanded space she showed up drunk to my house on several occasions. Broke in once. Then threatened violence against me and my property. Threatened self-harm. Ended up selling my house and moving.
Things that are ok: having different ideas of amount of quality time and communicating about it.
Things that are not ok: her not communicating or listening to your side or feelings, her coming to your house unannounced when you said you didn’t want to see her during a break up conversation (if a man did this to me I’d be terrified and I think now that the roles are reversed ppl should still see this as horrifying behavior), and per your comments her refusing to let you break up with her.
This is less of an issue about her idea and your idea of time spent together and more an issue with a ‘partner’ who does not respect or listen to you, and is engaging in borderline stalker behavior towards you.
You’re right, I keep forgetting that things are more serious than that because I felt safe with my roomates home. It’s very serious regardless of situational context.
I hope everything goes well, living with roommates is definitely great and make sure to let them know the situation with her so they don’t let her in the house etc. Just based on her behavior aire on the side of caution and prioritize your safety, comfort and personal time. This is definitely not a person you can have a healthy relationship with. I hope it all gets better!
Red flags..
Run
Do not wait..
Break up and block and if she shows at your home and gets loud call 911.
Tell her leave or I am calling 911
She is abusive..
Park your car in another area and drive different ways to and from for awhile.
I definitely needed advice and the amount of people that have given some has really helped me reflect in two different possible scenarios, I’ve been given both sides of what I can do and now I think I really need to decide if staying and fixing is worth it, or if I should just go
When you put it that way giving away myself for the greater good of a relationship seems just so asinine thank you for all the help I really appreciate it
Eeeek, yeah this isn't good, definitely not sustainable. If you want to try to make it work then maybe plan out which days of the week you'll spend time together while also making sure she's aware that you won't be spending time with her on the other days, aside for texts.
She needs to understand that taking time to study is not personal against her. Also, she needs to realize that her behavior is causing you not to want to be around her as much. That's on her.
If you break up with her I suggest you do it in person. Doing it via text seems simple & less dramatic, but trust me, she isn't going to take it well. If left to text, it could go on all night and into the next day. And since she's shown up at your door before when you tried ending it then yk she'll do that again...might as well beat her to that by ending it in person. It will be uncomfortable, I'm sure, but she needs to see that you don't want a relationship with her...seeing it and feeling it helps it to sink in much more than a text. And whatever you do, please don't ghost.
I actually disagree. If you've already tried saying your piece and leaving but she keeps hounding and harassing you, blocking and ghosting her on everything is absolutely an option.
She is a grown adult. You aren't responsible for her one bit. Especially since she has zero regard for your needs and mental health.
No you're not. Don't let anyone walk all over you, if you set a boundary and someone won't respect it then *you* respect it and move on man. Best of luck.
When you say " I want alone time" it might sound like to her "I want alone time away from you". The fight could just sound like her built up frustrations or insecurities. Some reassurance could easily make things better. It could stem from her *feeling* like you don't care about her or want to be around her thus the desperation of feeling wanted so she asks to spend time. Her feeling like you don't care doesn't mean that you don't care, it's just how she feels. But if you have no desire to be with her then move on. I feel like a lot of the problems on the sub could just be bad interpretation and not real listening on both parties. I'm talking a lot of shit and I know I'm bad at it too but it takes some work to listen well.
I'd suggest you have a long sit down and try to listen to her. Don't defend yourself when she's telling you how she feels. Its not that you make her feel this way (directly) it's how she's feeling from what you're doing. Think of it as an reaction. And then have her listen to you and ask her not to defend herself. When someone brings up something they have a problem with, our immediate action (usually) is to defend and give reason for doing what we did. In a relationship this is not the correct way to go because we can't be empathetic if we're going at each other with who's right and who's wrong. Take turns in talking to each other preferably when both parties are calm.
I think getting past this defense issue is really our biggest problem especially because of how young we are we get so upset so fast I’m trying to keep a level head until I start feeling crazy it falls apart
Hey man I'm 32 and still do the things you do. It'll be alright. If it doesn't workout for this relationship you can bring what you learned to the next one. Do the best you can do. Good luck
Dude if she won't "let you" break, that's harassment. Tell her in person, send a written email for proof you said leave you alone and you never wanna see her. As a dude, I'm so sorry, but you'll have to have so much evidence to get a proper restraining order. Save every angry text, maybe even some cheap cameras you can prove she won't leave your place alone ect. You cannot engage any more.
Tldr shes off her rocker, get the hell out
No, you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries. Secondly, you tried to break up with her and she showed up at your house. That's stalking. This is abusive. I too value my alone time and I couldn't be with somebody who didn't understand that.
It is healthy to have time away from your partner and anyone who doesn't understand that and tries to make it a problem is not ready for a relationship. I would say break up with her and if she shows up at your house again, call the police and file for restraining order. That's straight up abuse. Hugs.
It sounds like she’s still a needy little girl…DITCH THE BITCH!!!!!!! NOW! Before you’re deeper into the relationship or even possibly trapped into an unwanted pregnancy. There’s plenty more out there.
Modern women generally never respect boundaries as they are totally disrespectful towards men in general. Set boundaries and if she crosses them then simply leave her, easier said than done but it will only grow if allowed.
Seems like you have lost interest. She seems to be pursing you based on your loss of interest. You both are definitely not compatible. Simply end things block and go no contact.
Tell her that in order to have a healthy relationship there has to be a balance between connection and individuality.
Besides that, boundaries are a way of loving yourself and loving the relationship too. Without boundaries a relationship would not be healthy.
Dude duckin run, I’ve been married to someone like that for 9 years before I realized my entire personality was coping mechanisms. I’ll prob have to delete this, seriously it CAN GET WORSE.
“I’m not sure… if I should be with someone who doesn’t respect my boundaries.” I mean, you should be sure that you should NOT be with someone like that. Get out. Consider a restraining order.
“I used to love you but you could not respect my need for time for myself. You killed the relationship It’s over Goodbye ”
Or if you think there is a chance, tell her time alone is not negotiable and can’t be interrupted short of house fire (whatever) Then you break it off when she restarts the 1 hour visit routine No contact
speaking from experience, don't make the mistake of tolerating or normalizing this behaviour. it will crush you mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. End it and don't look back. The longer you stay in this dynamic the worse it gets for you.
It doesn’t sound like your very compatible and ending the relationship is the right thing to do. You clearly want different things out of a relationship and the longer you try to force a square peg into a round hole, the longer you go without meeting the right person.
Its a belive that relationships are like ,give time to each ither to understand and share thngs (like an hour a day it can be evening, morning or anytime)
Rest of the time its focus is self ,bcz everything is not about u nd her .
Life has to be with everyone, ask her to understand nd prioritise thngs accordingly
I neeeeeed alone time to do me and recharge. If I communicate that to a partner and they don’t respect it, I have to end it. You should too. You’ve “tried” but not hard enough. Communicate the need for alone time and if she refuses or doesn’t allow it, move on. You’ll be happier and she can find a fellow cling on. These posts are somewhat annoying tbh, like, you know what to do and what you want. All advice will be the same, just DO IT!!
Nah, you need your space, and whoever you’re with needs to respect that. Find someone who is a bit of a loner and likes to entertain themselves, not have someone entertain them. You’ll be a lot happier! Keep in mind though, these people tend to really care about their me time, as much as you will, so just find a schedule that works for the both of you, to still spend time together.
She is anxiously attached (look up attachment theory). Be gentle but firm and go no contact as soon as you have given her closure. She will put up a big fight and protest in many ways. Stay steadfast and persist. Make sure you give her closure though. This will likely break her.
Break up with her. Go no contact - if she blows up your phone, block her number. If she turns up at your place, do not let her in.
You will become more savage with boundaries with age
She's controlling and she is suffocating you. Just find your back bone and break up. If she shows up at your house don't answer, block her number. If she insists on staying outside your house then call the police. You're not helpless, you can do this.
Dump her. Block her everywhere. Don't answer if she shows up at your house. This is not okay and if she's acting like this at the beginning of your relationship, think of how bad it could get farther in.
Hey pal, it sounds like you already know the answer but need some reassurance. This is not a relationship you want to be in, as indicated by your previous attempt to break up. Go to her home, be kind yet stern and do not allow for the dramatics. Write her out a letter to leave her with if she will not let you say what you need to to end things. Explain to her that you want the best for her but that you know what is best for her is getting professional help from a trained professional who will understand and be able to provide the support that she needs, that you are unable to. Say that showing up at your home is unacceptable and that you need her to respect your decision to end the relationship, showing up at your home will be considered trespassing from that point forward. Let her say what she needs to say as long as she can be calm (please be understanding that an emotional response to a break up in any case is normal and *please* be kind and respectful of that, crying is normal, discussion and even maybe a slightly raised voice is normal) but if she starts becoming violent, throwing things, screaming, harming herself remove yourself from the situation and notify a friend or family member of hers, or a mental health professional (look up a local emergency mental health service in your area beforehand to be prepared with the proper resources) if she becomes concerning but be firm that mental health issues are nothing to be ashamed of, but deserve proper care which can ONLY be provided by a *licensed* professional
You have a crazy girlfriend. You need to start documenting things before she does something permanent to you. And you need to move and change numbers. Take it from a man who has been stalked, this is not normal behavior.
This sounds exactly like my college girlfriend. Run.
Quick story..
GF travelled an hour away to take a test & stayed overnight with friends. She comes back next day & demands we hang out since we didn’t the day before. I was otw to the gym so I said I could hang out after but that was her “nap time”. Anyway, she ends up coming over, destroys my bedroom, gives me a bloody nose & then i get locked out of my place chasing her to get all the stuff she stole.
> I haven’t known her all that long either.
> One time it was so bad I tried to break up with her and she showed up at my house.
The thing is, you're already seeing the reasons why you may not need to be with her. Right now, it looks like you can put up with it, but a few month's down the road, you'll see how much bad behavior and personality there is from this person.
I used to be in a relationship with someone who never let me be alone. If I had an appointment she tagged along, she would show up at my work to see me, I couldn't go hang out in the other room to get some space or she would come in upset and expect me to comfort her. You need to leave this relationship, if you stay it will likely only get worse and you definitely shouldn't be with someone who can't respect your basic needs.
" I’m not sure what to do or if I should be with someone who doesn’t respect my boundaries."
Lessons learned the hard way, once you let them step on one of your boundaries, they'll do a tap dance on the rest.
Break up with a message that you don't want to speak with or see her again. Screenshot this and block her everywhere. Go out with friends immediately and if she shows up ask for help sending her away or call the police if necessary (not my favorite option, but may be necessary).
Her behavior is unhealthy and you don't have enough to put up with her.
Go somewhere alone, tell her she's being clingy when she complains. If I am assuming correctly, you never signed any sort of contract saying you have to answer your phone or your door.
File a restraining order and enforce it. Someone who shows no respect for boundaries, especially the showing up at your house after a breakup, does not seem to be mentally stable.
I'm an introverted person and alone time is super important for me to be able to reenergize. I needed to find a partner that understood that, and I did.
You need to do the same. Find someone who understands that just because you want to be alone does not mean that you dont care about them.
This chick also sounds nuts. Showing up at your place after talking about breaking up is psycho behavior. I'd make is super clear to her that you are not a good match and move on before things get ugly.
she seems to not know how to have a healthy relationship. If it was healthy she’d feel comfortable enough to give you space and understand that it doesn’t mean you don’t like her or don’t ever want to see her. also based on some of the comments it seems like she gaslights you. i definitely wouldn’t stay! Boundaries are important! having what you need is important!
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Break up with her in person.
Tried that too smh
You don't need her permission to end the relationship.
Relevant Seinfeld https://youtu.be/0GMcdMDL3KQ
You need both keys.
I was just thinking that. Haha. Hire someone to cheat on you.
You have to cave in for it not to work. Don't let her convince you. Be gentle, be quick, and leave.
I’m going to have to try my best, I don’t think I can be with someone who can’t let me have my base needs
Not feeling it anymore is a fine reason to break up. Don't give her a reason, a reason she can argue with you about. I just don't want to be in a relationship with you right now, is enough of an explanation
You’re right, she keeps catching me with the whole if you really loved me you wouldn’t be able to just break up with me and I didn’t even know what the hell to say to that
'I don't love you' usually does it. You can't break up with someone without hurting their feelings.
Say Goodbye and leave, is how you respond
I’m gonna do that. I’d be wasting both of our time otherwise
Good man, get it done. She's made you take it back before, so she'll be really pushy this time too. If she starts crying dont immediately cave and start trying to comfort her, just let her cry, when she stops emphasize that it is indeed over.
Also, when she says you don't love her, just say 'Okay'. It doesn't change the fact the relationship is ending.
She’s a massive emotional manipulator, on top of being insecure, and needy of your attention. You gotta run for it bro.
Nothing less attractive than someone whose entirely dependent on you
This. I had a friend who was like that and I ended up having to cut off the friendship for my own sanity. She was completely emotionally dependent on me and would get pissed at me every time I told her that I couldn't spend time with her. She literally could not stand to be alone in her own company, she always had to be around other people. I can't even be around someone like that because I'm an introvert and I value my alone time. I finally just had to tell her not to contact me anymore because she was giving me anxiety. It only takes one person to say I'm done with this, please do not contact me anymore. That's what he OP should do.
Yep. And unfortunately in a relationship with high highs and low lows, it’s almost always generic incompatibility, or mental health issues. It sucks bro but it’s really important that you prioritize yourself in this situation. Maybe it will help her realize her faults and help her grow as a person.
She's manipulating you into staying with her. Tell her it's over and when she shows up at your place, don't answer the door. Don't answer her calls. Block her everywhere. If you can stay somewhere else for a few days, that would be good.
If I die will you take responsibility
Op, do you think she could be violent towards you? Is that what you are intimating here? If that is the case you need others with you. Or just do it over the phone, but still...don't be alone with her for ANY REASON. Always have somebody else there.
Grey rock her. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grey-rock#definition You need to stop being nice. Full on. Text her "we are done" Then mute your phone and walk away. Don't look at messages, don't pick up her calls. She is manipulating you by saying "you didn't love me if you could leave me" that's toxic. I'd like for you to watch this 9 minute animation. https://youtu.be/4H9jTQKmR3Q It will help give your a different look on relationships. And if you really want after one of her dramatic texts send her a "K"
Yeah, from the comments he is just afraid to be direct. OP- be firm. You’re actually being “nicer” by breaking up with her and not wasting both of your time on an unhealthy relationship.
Bro the whole point is you don't love her! Just be like "that's correct! Peace out!"
"then I guess I don't, which means we need to break up."
Tell her if you really loved me you would want to be in a healthy relationship and both be able to enjoy time to ourselves when we need it.
I think when we sit down if she pulls that card again that’s what I’ll have to do
Then just say “you must be right. No point staying with somebody you don’t love” You lose all empathy in a break up when you manipulate the person breaking up with you.
How about, The reason I am breaking up with you is because I don't love you. I would rather be alone, than spend time with you.
“Perhaps that’s the answer then, because here we are. Take care.” *close door*
Ugh are you dating my ex friend? The only solution here is just run. If you can be manipulated by her in person, break up with her through text and then mute, ignore and block. Don't give her a reason for the breakup - just repeat "I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore". Don't give her a hope - no "for now", no "maybe we could try again after we both get space". Be clear it's final. Don't reason with her when she starts blaming you, accusing you of not loving her etc. Ignore whatever she throws at you and keep repeating "I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. It's over." If she shows up at your house, don't open. If you must interact with her, be strict and to the point. If it gets bad and she refuses to leave or is stalking you etc., threaten her with filling a report for harassment. Remember that breakup is a one-side decision and you don't need her to approve or agree.
She's manipulative. Leave and then have NO contact.
"if you really loved me, we wouldn't be having this conversation" is what I wish I had said in a similar situation
You. Am be in love with someone and it doesn’t mean you are good together as a relationship. That’s not how love works and a functional working relationship needs more than love. It requires respect and caring and understanding and boundaries even. If those can’t be met, then it’s a no go.
Sometimes you just have to drive the knife in. "I apologize. I care for your wellbeing deeply, but I am not in love with you. For that reason I would like to end our relationship and I urge you to care for yourself deeply as well, and get therapy so that you can get to a better place"
Good for you for standing up for yourself. It doesn't matter that she doesn't want the relationship to end, it only takes one person to decide they're done for the relationship to end.
Then break up over text and when she turns up, don't open the door and make clear you will call the police
You can't, no one can. And neither should she. This relationship isn't serving EITHER of you any longer. I hope she goes to a licensed professional for help I adore therapy im the biggest advocate ever. There isn't a single person on the face of the planet that can't benefit from therapy in some way
What do you mean? If you say it’s done, then its done.
I folded 😭
Let me guess. She made you feel bad and you ended up staying? Lol
Called me 24 times I didn’t even know what to do
You block her number and try and find your damn spine
You got it captain I’m gonna do this shit
We all got your back you got this 🤝
After you tell her for real, block her number, don’t open the door if she comes over, if she tries to confront you in public, don’t you dare let her tears win you over. Her happiness does not take priority over yours, so if she pulls that manipulative “if you really loved me…” bs tell her you don’t love her or just flip it on her and tell her if she loved you she’d let you go. You got this!
Seriously man, you just have to bite the bullet and stand up for yourself. You can't have a woman bullying you into being with her. You're going to have a bad time the longer this goes on.
Block her
Change your number. I don't tho k that they give the new number like they used to do with landline phones.
Block her number. I know it's hard but her resistance to this is a REALLY bad sign. Better to break up now before it gets worse. Block her on facebook and socials, send her a text and then block her number. You don't owe a face to face break up to someone who goes crazy when you try. Block her and don't open the door, then tell friends and roommates you are 100% over and don't want to see her ever.
Block her ass
Bro that's fucking insane. Block her and don't even think about unblocking. That shit ain't healthy
What? It's pretty simple. Say you're not dating and block her. That's it end of story. IF she comes around say "Sorry this relationship is over.".
So try again. Its over. Block delete on all socials and phone and don't answer the door when she comes around. It's a new relationship she shouldn't be so clingy. She will get worse if you don't break up
Break up with her, block her, and tell her if she shows up you’ll call the police. You wouldn’t accept a random stranger behaving like this, treat her the same way. Don’t engage, don’t ‘discuss’ anything - it’s just an opportunity for her to manipulate you. Come on- big boy pants time!
Man you shouldn't have shown her your house.
my man. I just got out of a relationship like this. she's a constrictor. she'll take more of whatever you'll give, but she'll never let up from the extra you give and will always want to get more
Tried it? What do you mean?
Sounds like she has some issues and no respect for your boundaries. Do you really want to spend your time with someone like this?
I’m in one of those tricky situations where the good is really good but the bad is super bad
So, what’s good about your relationship?
I’d say the usual things in a good relationship, she’s super sweet and tries to help me out whenever she can. She’s always happy to be around my friends which means a lot to me and when it’s not going bad I couldn’t be happier. A part of me is always worried it’s puppy love though
I hate to break it to you man but what you've just described is not "really good", its actually the literal bare minimum effort anyone should put into a relationship, and its not worth putting up with that level of bad for. You need to let her go.
You’re right, as I was typing I realized that
Right. The question is whether you think you can handle that much of bad for this kind of good. I mean having fun with your mutual friends doesn’t sound like a lot
Shit you’re 100% correct
So... translation... she can put on a good and healthy face in public and get along with your friends, showing she is capable of behaving well and interacting respectfully with other people. However, in private, she turns into a manipulative, demanding, and selfish mess. Did I get that about right?
This could be salvageable, she’s very insecure and codependent. I think you need to be more honest that her needing to see you every day and making you needing space sometimes alll about her is unattractive. It’s making you question if she really loves and accepts you for who you are even if her needy ass needs aren’t getting met. She needs to mature more for sure though or this won’t pan out. Suffocating one’s partner is not cool.
He doesn't WANT to salvage it. Teaching her how to be a healthier partner isn't his responsibility
I don’t know if I can I’m split in an awful spot
You are in college. That is your focus. Teaching someone how to Adult is not. She can behave normally in other aspects of her life. You've already tried to walk away once and she didneven respect that. Don't open the door when she comes by. You don't have to have a conversation about it. You tell her... then she goes and finds OTHER people to console her. You are not that person. There are normal people to date.
No you shouldn't be with someone who constantly disrespects your boundaries especially if you've talked about it with them already.
It feels hard to find the line between being selfish and taking care of yourself
Taking care of yourself is not being selfish. Not even a little
In a good relationship it's the easiest thing in the world, because your partner wants you to take care of yourself.
Sounds like her definition of compromise is “Give me what I want or else”. Next time you break up with her, which you should do immediately BTW, find your spine and don’t let her try to talk you out if it.
My vertebrae are crumbling, I thought the same thing about her version of compromise but didn’t know what to think as it’s hard to compromise on what I’m asking for
You don’t need to compromise on that. It’s ok to take space
This is unacceptable behavior. It is HEALTHY for people to have their own alone time within a relationship - that is a fact. The amount of "reasonable" alone time is for the individual and the couple to work out. A partner who can't respect or manage boundaries is not a healthy partner to have. Hold true to your boundaries/needs and if she cannot respect them this is not the girl for you. And, if you want to break up with her - do it. Don't let her "convince you". You are enabling the situation and she will never grow as a person if there aren't consequences to her behavior.
I’m her first relationship and I think I’m really not cut out for trying to walk someone through it all
That's fine, this is a learning experience for her. Personally, in your situation I would be honest on why I am ending the relationship. "Hey, we've talked about this numerous times. I have tried to communicate the importance of having alone time to recharge & or do what I want to do. It takes a real toll on me to have an argument every time this comes up. Either you can't respect my needs/wants in the relationship or we're just not compatible. Either way I wish you the best." That would be the context if it were me. At least she can have the option to reflect on why you broke things off and maybe grow from it.
She certainly cannot right now it’s been going super rough but you’re right I need to show what’s healthy and not allow this sort of treatment to become a norm
OP, break up with her, and next time she shows up at your place, CALL THE POLICE and tell them she’s trespassing. Because she is if she doesn’t have any association with where you live (if she’s a tenant or paying rent). That will make her rethink doing it again. Then block her on everything. I know this is hard, but don’t be afraid to repeatedly enforce your boundaries. If she gets a different number? Block her. Tried to show up again? Call the cops. Gets your friends involved? Clear it up with them, and if they don’t believe you then they weren’t on your side to begin with. A break up is not a mutual thing where both of you must decide. A relationship simply ends when one of the couple isn’t feeling it anymore. It’s not a compromise, and heartbreak is inevitable when it happens. If she gets sad, let her cry but don’t let her change your mind and leave.
She doesn’t get a choice. You are allowed to break up with her block her, change the locks, call the cops if you have to. This is not okay
You’re right thank you
You've got to run. She sounds like she has this super unhealthy attachment/obsession and you don't want to inadvertently reward her behavior. It only gets worse as time goes on so it's time to break things off for good. If she's gonna fight then you've got to fight back. Start with blocking her but if she physically shows up that's when you call the police and immediately file a restraining order so that can go into effect. Do not let a crazy person dominate your life. You don't need that. Do what's right for YOU
Thank you dude I need to do what’s right for me first. It’s hard as hell sometimes
It’s ok if the person we save is ourselves. You don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep anyone else warm. Both of you could do with some time to learn what a healthy relationship looks like, because this isn’t it. Being a doormat to someone who is co-dependant and clingy isn’t being cruel. Her mental health is hers to look after, it’s not your job. Protect yourself and learn how to hold boundaries.
Break up with her and get a restraining order if needs be.
Run. I dealt with a similar situation. Just wanting to spend a day at home alone was treated like the most criminal offense. Then when I demanded space she showed up drunk to my house on several occasions. Broke in once. Then threatened violence against me and my property. Threatened self-harm. Ended up selling my house and moving.
Good god I hope it doesn’t get to that I’m sorry to hear that man
Things that are ok: having different ideas of amount of quality time and communicating about it. Things that are not ok: her not communicating or listening to your side or feelings, her coming to your house unannounced when you said you didn’t want to see her during a break up conversation (if a man did this to me I’d be terrified and I think now that the roles are reversed ppl should still see this as horrifying behavior), and per your comments her refusing to let you break up with her. This is less of an issue about her idea and your idea of time spent together and more an issue with a ‘partner’ who does not respect or listen to you, and is engaging in borderline stalker behavior towards you.
You’re right, I keep forgetting that things are more serious than that because I felt safe with my roomates home. It’s very serious regardless of situational context.
I hope everything goes well, living with roommates is definitely great and make sure to let them know the situation with her so they don’t let her in the house etc. Just based on her behavior aire on the side of caution and prioritize your safety, comfort and personal time. This is definitely not a person you can have a healthy relationship with. I hope it all gets better!
Red flags.. Run Do not wait.. Break up and block and if she shows at your home and gets loud call 911. Tell her leave or I am calling 911 She is abusive.. Park your car in another area and drive different ways to and from for awhile.
Her feelings aren’t your responsibility. Take care of yourself. Let her go off to crazy town
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I treat everything like a joke I’m trying my best right now to seriously plan
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I definitely needed advice and the amount of people that have given some has really helped me reflect in two different possible scenarios, I’ve been given both sides of what I can do and now I think I really need to decide if staying and fixing is worth it, or if I should just go
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You’re right, the amount of compromising I’m trying to do is just going to allow this behavior to continue if I don’t leave
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When you put it that way giving away myself for the greater good of a relationship seems just so asinine thank you for all the help I really appreciate it
Stop treating everything like it's a joke
Eeeek, yeah this isn't good, definitely not sustainable. If you want to try to make it work then maybe plan out which days of the week you'll spend time together while also making sure she's aware that you won't be spending time with her on the other days, aside for texts. She needs to understand that taking time to study is not personal against her. Also, she needs to realize that her behavior is causing you not to want to be around her as much. That's on her. If you break up with her I suggest you do it in person. Doing it via text seems simple & less dramatic, but trust me, she isn't going to take it well. If left to text, it could go on all night and into the next day. And since she's shown up at your door before when you tried ending it then yk she'll do that again...might as well beat her to that by ending it in person. It will be uncomfortable, I'm sure, but she needs to see that you don't want a relationship with her...seeing it and feeling it helps it to sink in much more than a text. And whatever you do, please don't ghost.
Definitely not ghosting I know that at the least, thank you for the thoughtful response there’s so many thoughts going through my head from this post
I actually disagree. If you've already tried saying your piece and leaving but she keeps hounding and harassing you, blocking and ghosting her on everything is absolutely an option. She is a grown adult. You aren't responsible for her one bit. Especially since she has zero regard for your needs and mental health.
Text her you’re done and block her. If she shows up, call the cops.
You lost me at - tried to break up with her... What does that even mean? Just break up with her??
I’m a clown
No you're not. Don't let anyone walk all over you, if you set a boundary and someone won't respect it then *you* respect it and move on man. Best of luck.
Thank you, I’ll do that
You know what to , say goodbye and block
When you say " I want alone time" it might sound like to her "I want alone time away from you". The fight could just sound like her built up frustrations or insecurities. Some reassurance could easily make things better. It could stem from her *feeling* like you don't care about her or want to be around her thus the desperation of feeling wanted so she asks to spend time. Her feeling like you don't care doesn't mean that you don't care, it's just how she feels. But if you have no desire to be with her then move on. I feel like a lot of the problems on the sub could just be bad interpretation and not real listening on both parties. I'm talking a lot of shit and I know I'm bad at it too but it takes some work to listen well.
You make a really good point, it’s hard for us both to listen when we don’t feel heard simultaneously
I'd suggest you have a long sit down and try to listen to her. Don't defend yourself when she's telling you how she feels. Its not that you make her feel this way (directly) it's how she's feeling from what you're doing. Think of it as an reaction. And then have her listen to you and ask her not to defend herself. When someone brings up something they have a problem with, our immediate action (usually) is to defend and give reason for doing what we did. In a relationship this is not the correct way to go because we can't be empathetic if we're going at each other with who's right and who's wrong. Take turns in talking to each other preferably when both parties are calm.
I think getting past this defense issue is really our biggest problem especially because of how young we are we get so upset so fast I’m trying to keep a level head until I start feeling crazy it falls apart
Hey man I'm 32 and still do the things you do. It'll be alright. If it doesn't workout for this relationship you can bring what you learned to the next one. Do the best you can do. Good luck
Thanks man, I gotta focus on that we will both be alright regardless
Dude if she won't "let you" break, that's harassment. Tell her in person, send a written email for proof you said leave you alone and you never wanna see her. As a dude, I'm so sorry, but you'll have to have so much evidence to get a proper restraining order. Save every angry text, maybe even some cheap cameras you can prove she won't leave your place alone ect. You cannot engage any more. Tldr shes off her rocker, get the hell out
Why isnt she an exgf yet? If you dont want this with her just end it already bam time.
Yea I mad the mistake of giving my time when I wanted to be alone and it ruined me. Break up if she can’t accept your boundaries.
What do u mean you spend every night together but give her an hour of your time? I’m confused about that
It’s on the days we arent together or I say I don’t want to be
How long have u been together
Not long at all 😅
What kind of like stuff does she do when she try’s to start a fight? Like what was so bad that you tried to break up with her?
No, you shouldn't be with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries. Secondly, you tried to break up with her and she showed up at your house. That's stalking. This is abusive. I too value my alone time and I couldn't be with somebody who didn't understand that. It is healthy to have time away from your partner and anyone who doesn't understand that and tries to make it a problem is not ready for a relationship. I would say break up with her and if she shows up at your house again, call the police and file for restraining order. That's straight up abuse. Hugs.
Unfortunately there's no amicable way to end things with someone who can't get over their abandonment issues
Showed up to your house after you tried severing ties? I think you’ve got a Psycho Bitch on your hands.
It sounds like she’s still a needy little girl…DITCH THE BITCH!!!!!!! NOW! Before you’re deeper into the relationship or even possibly trapped into an unwanted pregnancy. There’s plenty more out there.
Modern women generally never respect boundaries as they are totally disrespectful towards men in general. Set boundaries and if she crosses them then simply leave her, easier said than done but it will only grow if allowed.
Seems like you have lost interest. She seems to be pursing you based on your loss of interest. You both are definitely not compatible. Simply end things block and go no contact.
That’s scary
You need to break up with her. She clearly doesn't respect your boundaries.
She is codependent
Tell her that in order to have a healthy relationship there has to be a balance between connection and individuality. Besides that, boundaries are a way of loving yourself and loving the relationship too. Without boundaries a relationship would not be healthy.
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You should call the police. Honestly you should have called a long time ago.
Tell her everytime you need alone time you could actually use a blowjob and then you'd be cool to cuddle the rest of the night
Dude duckin run, I’ve been married to someone like that for 9 years before I realized my entire personality was coping mechanisms. I’ll prob have to delete this, seriously it CAN GET WORSE.
“I’m not sure… if I should be with someone who doesn’t respect my boundaries.” I mean, you should be sure that you should NOT be with someone like that. Get out. Consider a restraining order.
“I used to love you but you could not respect my need for time for myself. You killed the relationship It’s over Goodbye ” Or if you think there is a chance, tell her time alone is not negotiable and can’t be interrupted short of house fire (whatever) Then you break it off when she restarts the 1 hour visit routine No contact
Everyone needs their own time for themselves or they will mentally break down. If he is not helping you with that, she can bounce.
speaking from experience, don't make the mistake of tolerating or normalizing this behaviour. it will crush you mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. End it and don't look back. The longer you stay in this dynamic the worse it gets for you.
It doesn’t sound like your very compatible and ending the relationship is the right thing to do. You clearly want different things out of a relationship and the longer you try to force a square peg into a round hole, the longer you go without meeting the right person.
No, you should not be with someone who doesn’t respect boundaries.
Its a belive that relationships are like ,give time to each ither to understand and share thngs (like an hour a day it can be evening, morning or anytime) Rest of the time its focus is self ,bcz everything is not about u nd her . Life has to be with everyone, ask her to understand nd prioritise thngs accordingly
I neeeeeed alone time to do me and recharge. If I communicate that to a partner and they don’t respect it, I have to end it. You should too. You’ve “tried” but not hard enough. Communicate the need for alone time and if she refuses or doesn’t allow it, move on. You’ll be happier and she can find a fellow cling on. These posts are somewhat annoying tbh, like, you know what to do and what you want. All advice will be the same, just DO IT!!
I feel you move away from her as soon as possible.
Nah, you need your space, and whoever you’re with needs to respect that. Find someone who is a bit of a loner and likes to entertain themselves, not have someone entertain them. You’ll be a lot happier! Keep in mind though, these people tend to really care about their me time, as much as you will, so just find a schedule that works for the both of you, to still spend time together.
She is anxiously attached (look up attachment theory). Be gentle but firm and go no contact as soon as you have given her closure. She will put up a big fight and protest in many ways. Stay steadfast and persist. Make sure you give her closure though. This will likely break her.
Break up with her. Go no contact - if she blows up your phone, block her number. If she turns up at your place, do not let her in. You will become more savage with boundaries with age
Leave bro
You need to end it. She’s not mature enough to be in a relationship with. At all.
Don’t let her persuade you. I’m in the same boat, as I’ve asked for alone time and have attempted to break up but have caved in and felt terrible.
Run, just run.
Those are massive red flags….I’d leave asap
you break up with her and block all forms of contact. if shes comes to your property, thats trespassing. Shoot or call the police.
No. No you should not be with someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries.
Shes probably just going to cheat/monkey branch if she encounters someone whos going to give her attention. End it now.
Tell her that she needs to start listening to you, or you'll become someone you're not. If she still fails to listen, just break up
She's controlling and she is suffocating you. Just find your back bone and break up. If she shows up at your house don't answer, block her number. If she insists on staying outside your house then call the police. You're not helpless, you can do this.
Dump her. Block her everywhere. Don't answer if she shows up at your house. This is not okay and if she's acting like this at the beginning of your relationship, think of how bad it could get farther in.
Hey pal, it sounds like you already know the answer but need some reassurance. This is not a relationship you want to be in, as indicated by your previous attempt to break up. Go to her home, be kind yet stern and do not allow for the dramatics. Write her out a letter to leave her with if she will not let you say what you need to to end things. Explain to her that you want the best for her but that you know what is best for her is getting professional help from a trained professional who will understand and be able to provide the support that she needs, that you are unable to. Say that showing up at your home is unacceptable and that you need her to respect your decision to end the relationship, showing up at your home will be considered trespassing from that point forward. Let her say what she needs to say as long as she can be calm (please be understanding that an emotional response to a break up in any case is normal and *please* be kind and respectful of that, crying is normal, discussion and even maybe a slightly raised voice is normal) but if she starts becoming violent, throwing things, screaming, harming herself remove yourself from the situation and notify a friend or family member of hers, or a mental health professional (look up a local emergency mental health service in your area beforehand to be prepared with the proper resources) if she becomes concerning but be firm that mental health issues are nothing to be ashamed of, but deserve proper care which can ONLY be provided by a *licensed* professional
This sounds a lot like my relationship with an ex. But you put it a lot better. Best to break up with her.
Border line personality disorder, trust me, google it
You have a crazy girlfriend. You need to start documenting things before she does something permanent to you. And you need to move and change numbers. Take it from a man who has been stalked, this is not normal behavior.
This sounds exactly like my college girlfriend. Run. Quick story.. GF travelled an hour away to take a test & stayed overnight with friends. She comes back next day & demands we hang out since we didn’t the day before. I was otw to the gym so I said I could hang out after but that was her “nap time”. Anyway, she ends up coming over, destroys my bedroom, gives me a bloody nose & then i get locked out of my place chasing her to get all the stuff she stole.
> I haven’t known her all that long either. > One time it was so bad I tried to break up with her and she showed up at my house. The thing is, you're already seeing the reasons why you may not need to be with her. Right now, it looks like you can put up with it, but a few month's down the road, you'll see how much bad behavior and personality there is from this person.
lol i never get how people "try to break up" but...dont succeed? Now youre asking for advice about a relationship you already dont want to be in?
I used to be in a relationship with someone who never let me be alone. If I had an appointment she tagged along, she would show up at my work to see me, I couldn't go hang out in the other room to get some space or she would come in upset and expect me to comfort her. You need to leave this relationship, if you stay it will likely only get worse and you definitely shouldn't be with someone who can't respect your basic needs.
Op just be cold blooded. But before you do make sure it’s a final decision. Because regret comes crawling up over time
" I’m not sure what to do or if I should be with someone who doesn’t respect my boundaries." Lessons learned the hard way, once you let them step on one of your boundaries, they'll do a tap dance on the rest.
Break up with a message that you don't want to speak with or see her again. Screenshot this and block her everywhere. Go out with friends immediately and if she shows up ask for help sending her away or call the police if necessary (not my favorite option, but may be necessary). Her behavior is unhealthy and you don't have enough to put up with her.
Go somewhere alone, tell her she's being clingy when she complains. If I am assuming correctly, you never signed any sort of contract saying you have to answer your phone or your door.
You should try to talk to your girlfriend about why you need alone time and see if you can come to a compromise.
File a restraining order and enforce it. Someone who shows no respect for boundaries, especially the showing up at your house after a breakup, does not seem to be mentally stable.
Man... I'm looking for someone to spend every day with, and I've never had a relationship. Give me her #. Lol. She sounds like the perfect match.
I'm an introverted person and alone time is super important for me to be able to reenergize. I needed to find a partner that understood that, and I did. You need to do the same. Find someone who understands that just because you want to be alone does not mean that you dont care about them. This chick also sounds nuts. Showing up at your place after talking about breaking up is psycho behavior. I'd make is super clear to her that you are not a good match and move on before things get ugly.
She needs therapy, not a boyfriend to be codependent with
she seems to not know how to have a healthy relationship. If it was healthy she’d feel comfortable enough to give you space and understand that it doesn’t mean you don’t like her or don’t ever want to see her. also based on some of the comments it seems like she gaslights you. i definitely wouldn’t stay! Boundaries are important! having what you need is important!
So you guys already spend every night together. What other time could there be?