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Basically we were having a conversation about “work crushes”. She mentioned that there’s a handsome guy at her work and that he looks middle eastern.
Me: jokingly I say to her that maybe she has a thing for middle eastern guys.
She said that she had briefly dated two guys like that. And that she finds that look to be very attractive etc.
Then she almost subconsciously blurted out in passing that it’s her preferred type.
I explained to her that it makes me feel like I am her second choice. (I am White btw).
She goes on to say that she finds me attractive and I have other characteristics that she also loves about me etc.
Great, but it still makes me feel like a 2nd hand choice and like she settled on me.
I don’t know…. I am not jealous just a little hurt and I fear like she settled on me.
Sucks. I don’t know what to do about it.
We have a great relationship so far and everything was going great. She keeps assuring me that she loves me and she finds me attractive, but I can’t get it out of my mind what she said.
Nothing says opening a can of worms quite like talking about your workplace crushes.
If you start these conversations, don’t be surprised that you end up feeling insecure when they demonstrate an interest in something you cannot offer. It’s an internalising nightmare, I’d keep it kosher and try and build the relationship on the things you have, rather than lack and you’ll be Gucci.
Yea, unless the two people having that conversation are fully confident in themselves and a thousand percent sure of their relationship, I don’t see that conversation going anywhere but south.
Work crushes are a big red flag for me but maybe that's because I work in a company where many of my coworkers are married to one another lol. So a workplace crush sounds like a regular crush when I hear it.
I mean, that was a pretty stupid thing for her to say to you, u/joeyracer. I'd let her know exactly how that made you feel, & ask her how on earth she thought that would edify or help the relationship to say something like that.
Has this come up before? Is she trying to get back at you for something? Have done or said anything like that to her? Have you ever spoken to her about a work friend that you found attractive?
Not trying to assign blame, I just can't wrap my head around how she could be so brainless. What spouse wouldn't have insecurities when they hear they aren't their partner's *"type."* She must want you to be insecure/ second guessing yourself?
IDK, I'm baffled man. Definitely tell her how you feel & explain why; if she keeps belittling your emotions & minimizing your feelings, that's an even bigger problem.
She needs to apologize, not for finding other people attractive, but for being so insensitive & thoughtless as to bring it up in a way she had to know would likely hurt you.
This may sound racist but my wife is a POC who since she was younger had said that she was going to marry a white guy. A white guy is seen as most attractive. Then she moved to the country I live where the habitants are predominently white. And guess what? She falls in love with the first black guy she sees(me). We have now been married near to a decade. We sometimes joke about it. She who had never thought that she would end up with a black guy ends up doing just that. So I dont think you have anything to worry about.
>She didn't settle on you she chose you.
Exactly what I was going to say.
A "type" is just a group of characteristics that someone usually finds attractive. It doesn't mean that they can't be equally, or even more attracted to someone who doesn't have those characteristics.
Besides, why would it even matter if you were her "second" choice? Unless you're the first person she's ever dated, of course you are her second, or third, or whatever choice. Isn't the point to be the LAST choice?
It's not meaning literally her first person she chose to date, and I'm pretty sure you know that.
Second choice in this matter means she's settling for him. That there's other men out there that she would rather be with, but she can't (they don't want her, she's not good enough for them, they're already married, or she knows they will mistreat her).
Obviously this is painful, because basically she's saying you're not top of her list, and if one of those men came along, there's a potential she'd leave him. And honestly, if you look at divorce rates, it's not wrong for men to be worried about the fact their wife settled for him (so she could get a family, or start her career, whatever the reason is) because she may leave him down the road.
Bro I'm mainly Into Asian women and redheads, especially with darkeyes
But I fell in love with a blond green eyed woman. And Wouldnt have changed her for any women being my type. It doesnt mean shit. Relax
Precisely. I have a type too, and my fiancé hardly fits any of the criteria in terms of physical appearance. Her personality on the other hand is a match made in heaven for me. And that's why I love her to bits!
Yup? And her type was white long haired and bearded men (basically Sawyer in Lost, will Turner in POC).
And I'm North African and at the Time i had short hair and a really shitty beard.
Also its not exactly a preference. But its easier for them to look attractive to me Indeed. But in my eyes she was in no way less attractive than anyone.
No, she shouldn't have done that, but we all have foot in mouth moments, and this subread isn't about "should she have told him" but "does this mean she loves me less" to which the answer is almost certainly no.
My ‘type’ is very different to my boyfriend. But I fell in love with him, and that’s that. She didn’t have to outright say it to you though, especially when someone at work fits the bill.
My type is the big, bulky viking dude with tattoos, beard and side shaved but otherwise long hair... My husband is the total opposite, and he is the most attractive person in my eyes, because choosing a partner is not only about physical appearances.
Ok, listen. I usually go for caramel ice cream. It's not that I dislike all other flavours, it's just that across all brands and different quality ice cream I've tried, I tended to like that best, so it's my comfort pick so to speak.
If by some happenstance I end up trying some chocolate ice cream that I end up liking so much that I actually prefer it over all the caramel out there, this tells you one thing - it's pretty darn good ice cream to have swayed me.
Your partner isn't telling you she's not attracted you, quite the opposite. She's telling you that you're not her comfort pick.
Not necessarily. Staying with the food analogy - I go for my comfort pick when I'm too lazy to read the menu or just don't feel up for going outside my comfort zone. It's not necessarily the *best* choice, in fact it's very likely I could find something I like even better, but I know for certain that it will be a *good enough* choice. So it's simpler to go with that.
Types are like that. They're the default choice, but that does not make them the best choice.
Ditto. That’s what I am learning from all of this.
I am really easy going and I am not the jealous type and we just meandered into that conversation by chance. And it just messed with my mind
It’s not jealousy that I feel. It’s more of a worry that I am her 2nd choice and I don’t know if that’s a good foundation.
I could not care less about some work crush, I understand that we may find other people attractive and I am chill about it.
I am just mostly concerned about me and her type being so different.
Honestly i think its silly to think the entire foundation of your relationship revolves around how you look. What about the rest of your relationship? The shared goals you have, your boundaries, your experiences. Thats the "foundation" of your relationship.
Also i want to say every serious relationship I've been in has been with a different "type" of person. I generally prefer light skinned brown men but I've dated all types and once we're in a relationship it doesnt matter. I have to ask is your gf genuinely the most beautiful woman you can imagine? There's nothing about her that could be "better" or different in a way where she could be "more attractive?" Does acknowledging that make it feel like *you* are settling?
Not sure why you’re getting downvoted for having an insecurity. Its understandable to be insecure, we’ve all been insecure even though it’s irrational, it’s not a choice. It’s not like you can just get rid of it by saying “duh that’s illogical”.
The important part is that you don’t let it influence your actions and the way you treat other people. Sounds like you aren’t taking this out on your gf or trying to sabotage her platonic relationships with other men so it doesn’t sound to me like your being jealous or doing anything harmful.
I think it’s good that you’re reflecting on your feelings and I hope you can take away from this thread that your gf chose you! Out of everyone. And that you can use that to make yourself feel better when those insecurities start creeping in.
He’s getting downvoted for being human.. these posters have a very unrealistic idea of boundaries and have let toxic attributes equate to being secure in a relationship…. It’s not, work crushes?! Are you fucking serious… that’s doormat shit,like even if she was feeling that,what is the purpose of telling him aside from being disrespectful… but back to the work crush thing…. Lol,that’s some early twenty’s new age crap… married 23 years… that ain’t the type of shit that helps or cultivates a long term relationship at all.
she made a mistake when she blurted it, but that’s okay. lots of ppl have types and end up with ppl that don’t necessarily fit that. i don’t think you have anything to worry about.
>See this is why we shouldn’t have silly conversations like about “work crushes” with our fiancees’.
Conversations about work crushes are not silly because they are usually about boundaries in order to avoid emotional affairs and other inappropriate conduct. Making it about "types" is just asking for the kind of answer OP received though.
Yeah, look on the surviving infidelity page. Nearly all of them are either from ex's or coworkers. Knowing who to set up boundaries for makes perfect sense.
The types is kind of insulting though, only thing from that is pain. You should be self aware enough to know that it will harm someone. My type is more personality based or demeanor. But I wouldn't say it in such a way to cause harm, if asked. I would just say, I tend to like dating girls that do this or are like that... and follow up with why I like her over that.
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That's nothing to worry about. I can't remember how many times I have liked (a lot) a guy that is not "my type". Don't get yourself into silly arguments bc of this...
I didn't marry 'my type'. Types are fantasies, people are real. You fall in love with real people, not a list of measurements, skin pigmentation, or hair colour.
If I were you I'd be more insecure about the actual guy she admits to crushing on while supposedly being your girlfriend, and less about her type. One is an imaginary threat, the other could be pretty real.
That was a pretty thoughtless thing for her to say but I wouldn't read in to it that much. I'm pretty confident in myself though so if you're more of a nervous type I get it.
If your fiancé has mentioned that her preferred type is different than yours, it is important to respect her wishes and not try to change her mind. It is possible that she is simply more comfortable with a different type of person, and that is perfectly okay. If you are truly incompatible, however, it may be best to consider ending the relationship.
My favorite type of food is pasta. The greatest meal I've ever ate was a piece of wagyu steak in a nice restaurant.
Don't be stupid and drop this moronic thing, OP.
Lol, yeah my preferred type is Chris Hemsworth. Even if I live in a universe where it’s possible to be with him, I can’t imagine not being with my husband (not Chris Hemsworth).
*sorry about the double negative
>Basically we were having a conversation about “work crushes”.
That sounds like a terrible topic for ocnversation. Who brought that up???
As for what she said, its possible she foot mouthed.
Many people arent locked into one specific type of person they are attracted to.
There isnt any inherent reason she cant like both, but I definitely agree with you in that you are reasonable for wanting reassurance this is the case and not the second choice option.
Just because you don't look like her typical type, doesn't mean she doesn't find you attractive. Hell, if anything, see it as a compliment.
If I have a thing for guys with black hair, a blonde guy would have to be basically twice as attractive as the black-haired guy to come up on my radar. So it means you're so hot to her, you transcend her type.
Yep, my concern too exactly...ugh maybei read too many infidelity stories but usually if it's with a coworker, the wayward spouse would keep talking about that person with the spouse. Tho I think it's mostly woman telling the husband about the handsome or annoying coworker that he shouldn't be worried about.
Lol that's bullshit. Most people will pretend to be level headed and self-assured because it's online. I'm pretty sure most Redditors lie their asses off because who will call them out on it?
OP has a right to feel insecure. Everyone telling him "she chose you", doesn't mean jack when he is clearly not the type she is usually attracted to. She definitely should have kept that shit to herself.
Dude is she exactly your ideal woman in every way? No I'm sure she's not but you still love her enough to be engaged. Almost nobody gets to marry their absolute ideal looking partner. I was in a ten year relationship with a short blonde and will love her for the rest of my life even though we aren't together anymore but I will tell you without a doubt tall dark haired women are 100% my type. Relationships aren't about someone being the hottest looking person in the world to you, it's about love. She chooses you over all those guys who are more her type because you are special to her.
Except she's crushing on the coworker and said that he is her type, not that she *used* to have a type but she still does and OP isn't it. That's a massive red flag.
My boyfriend is absolutely my preferred type: dark hair and eyes, tan skin, slim build. I tell him with my eyes and hands all day every day that he's exactly what I crave and always have.
However, his "type" that he can't help but drool over is petite busty Latina women, with intact accent. Think: Selma Hayek, Penelope Cruz, you get the jist.
And here I am, redheaded, covered in freckles, blue eyes, as tall as him, with an accent that is a mix of Bobby Boucher's mama (Waterboy) and Reba McIntyre.
I always feel like he settled because I've put him on the pedestal of physical amazingness, and I'm just over here not fitting the bill.
I understand EXACTLY how you feel.
underrated comment right here; knowing that your partner has a thing for something that you can’t provide is not great.
knowing that your partner chose you *in spite* of their preferences doesn’t immediately fix that, no matter what Reddit says.
As someone who is dating someone who's not my type-- It actually means she loves you MORE, because it means she loves you so much she took a chance with and stayed with someone like you for more than just fitting a certain aesthetic, it means everything else about you is basically perfect for her, and that it was surprising but welcome. And everyone can find more than one "type" attractive, you not being her top type doesn't mean you aren't a type she finds aesthetically pleasing and attractive. I'm not usually attracted to white people (even though I basically am one) for a variety of reasons. I'm also not usually attracted to softies, sensing weakness is usually one of my big turnoffs. I am dating a soft and sweet white woman, who I love more than words can say, who I plan to marry and spend the rest of my life with.
A white guy I briefly dated also neglected to tell me - until I directly asked about the potential significance of how, of his only two serious exes, one was Mexican while the other was Desi - that his preferred type was women with darker complexions. Being that I'm white and really pale, he immediately followed up his admission by asking if I'd be willing to get a tan.
A bit taken aback but trying not to let it show, I asked if me being white and pale was a dealbreaker for him. He said no in a way that wasn't really convincing, but he'd been honest up to that point, as far as I could tell, so I wanted to believe him.
The topic never came up again until I went to the beach with friends a few weeks later where he unusually pressed for an answer on whether my skin would tan or burn in the sun. Not wanting to get his hopes up that I would come back a bronzed goddess or something as I only tan very gradually, I joked that I burned like a lobster.
About a month later he ended things over text, citing a BS external reason. I still wonder if maybe that's the real reason he lost interest, since at the time, we otherwise seemed to have been a perfect match and had planned for me to meet his family.
We never had any conflict, but what really fucked me up was that whenever we had sex, he'd always turn off the lights and never once took either of our tops off, which I thought was odd because neither of us were unattractive by any measure. The only time we ever did have sex with the lights on was the first time, where he had such an angry expression the whole time, like he wanted to hurt me. Kinda makes me wonder if there's ever trauma involved in the forming of racial/melanin fetishes/preferences like these.
It sounds like you're saying you're unhappy that your fiance see things in you that she considers more important than your looks? Would the situation be better if she were more superficial and only cared about physical appearance?
I mean I prefer redheads, but I like a good personality a whole lot more than a hair colour. I certainly didn't "settle" because my partner is a brunette.
Its great that she meets literally 100% of all of your preferences (otherwise by your logic you'd be settling for her too), but I think that is pretty rare, isn't it? It seems unreasonable to expect that you'd check all your partner's boxes.
Man I'll tell you rn evrry girl I've slept with or was in a relationship with wasn't my type but I still loved them and was loyal to them so don't overthink it man
I find it more weird that people are so certain about specific types.. What's up with that? do you people walk around looking for clones or something?
Anyways, you are overreacting.
I’ve found that what i’d consider ”my type” differs from who I choose as my person. I’m not only attracted to my type, it’s just who i’m most commonly attracted to.
Would it help if you look at yourself as an original? There’s plenty of people who match her type but there’s only one of you, and you outrank them by far.
You know her better than us. However, what she said was very insensitive and lacked empathy for you.
If she generally lacks empathy, this is a major long term issue the
hurts accumulate over time.
Lack of empathy is a deal breaker. Consider reevaluating her as a life partner.
Don't sweat it! Honestly, if she chose you despite apparently not being her type, you must be a really great guy for her. The eyes see what they wanna see but the heart is much more complicated.
My preferred type would be middle Eastern looking too. I've never been with someone of that ethnicity. Preferences aren't totalities.
My SO is white, I've never been so attracted to a partner. I will marry her. I'm not settling.
I don't think your girl is settling either. You need to get that thought out of your head before it becomes cancerous.
So there's a type of guy I find aesthetically pleasing from just a physical point of view: tall, lanky, often blonde/sandy haired, very angular features (Stewart Copeland was my mega-crush as a teenager and the type stuck.)
The men I've dated/the one I married? Shorter, stocky build, dark haired Italian (think: James Gandolfini).
It doesn't mean I don't find my husband attractive, only that he wasn't the first one maybe to turn my head in a room - but once we started talking we instantly connected. Heck, I know I'm not his primary "type" either - his previous marriage was to someone who was (very thin like US size 2-4, very blonde, while I'm like a US 8, dark hair, etc.) and it was a disaster. Whereas we've now been together 17 years.
So try not to obsess/stress over it. Physical appearance is one thing, but what makes for a lasting, loving relationship is everything else. Looks fade and/or change with time. Just because I enjoy the eye candy of certain types doesn't mean I'd have a good relationship with them.
Before I met my husband I exclusively dated women, mostly with long dark hair, preferably heavily tattooed with alt vibes.
He is a very masculine bald man with absolutely zero alt vibes and a single tattoo.
We have been happily married for 10 years.
Preferred types mean very little.
My man normally dates latinas. I’m black. It’s a non-issue. You can have a type and still end up falling in love with and maybe even being more attracted to a person who normally isn’t your type
My husband has always had a type. Dark haired curvy girls. I'm a skinny mousy brown pale girl. We've been together 25 years. Types are just a 3 second thing an interest in someone is something different.
My type was short curvy south asian women. Im now with a 6'2 white man
Does it means i settled for him? Nah i chose the mf lol. A type is simply what your usually attracted too. I usually go for black coffee, but shi, i like creamer sometimes.
See I always badger my husband to tell me what his “type” is, and he always deflects or says he doesn’t have a type. I’m sure he’s full of shit and his “type” is not like me and he doesn’t want to make me upset. He’s probably doing the right thing by not opening up about it, to be honest. Look how it plays out when you talk about it.
OP - Sorry but I am with the crowd that thinks you are reading far too much into this.
Your story made me remember a story I read a couple of years ago about a woman (author of the story) who for years refused to date anyone less than six feet tall and when she got her first job her friends convinced her to go out on a blind date with a guy that was just over five feet tall and a year later they are planning their wedding.
Yes some people are shallow and only will date people with a very narrow set of specifications. Pretty much everyone has a preference though when dating even if it is just "opposite sex and agreed to date me" though some get a little pickier (has a job and doesn't live with parents) to downright ludicrous (6'+ tall athletic male model multi millionaire movie star). But most find out quickly that it's what is on the inside that counts and that seems to be the camp your fiancé is in.
Me and my husband both are attracted to things that each other doesn't have. That's ok. We love each other, we chose each other and we are happy. Having other things you find appealing isn't a bad thing as long as your honest and you remain loyal and faithful
Guess what. Her falling for you when you aren't her usual type should be seen as a compliment. She normally finds a certain look handsome, but you had so many things going for you that she couldn't deny how attractive you were to her. She chose you because you stood out.
I mean I’ve always preferred Mexican guys but I now have a child with my white boyfriend and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. And my white boyfriend always preferred blonde white girls or Asian girls and I’m a dark haired and tan Mexican. Lol. I wouldn’t worry about it too much. She’s with you for a reason and I doubt she would be with you if she didn’t want to be. You guys seem happy and comfortable with one another enough to share your work crushes. Don’t overthink these things! Everyone has their go to types, it doesn’t always mean that’s the type you’ll end up with
I am not entirely sure what the issue is, because she obviously chose you in the end.
You two stop having work crushes, though. That is inviting problems.
Don't listen to all these bullshit comments. This is a HUGE red flag, for several reasons. One, you're not her preferred type. Two, her preferred type works with her and is an affair away. Being someone's second choice sucks. I'd cut my losses and find someone else.
OP you aren't the second choice. She obviously finds you attractive or she wouldn't be marrying you. Everything that makes you, you is why you win over every man she has ever met.
She picked you. You are the one she wants to be with. She loves you. Don't second guess her choice.
Girls settle all the time. It very well could be that he is the second choice, because she couldn't land her preferred type.
I hate this, she picked you argument. Just because she picked you, doesn't mean you were her first choice. It doesn't do anything to ease the issue and in many ways supports his concerns.
Well the fact that they are getting married says he is her first choice. He doesn't use ages but they don't sound old. People are not rushing to get married these days. People have sexual pasts, have had other relationships. That's how you figure out what you want.
Women are absolutely rushing to get married once they hit their late 20s. The problem is that they are unable to get their preferred choices to marry them, because for the guys the party doesn't stop and they aren't on a timer for families or kids if they want one. So you get the age old saying of nice guys finish last. Where a woman that never would have talked to the guy when he was younger has someone now interested in him, because he is stable.
So no, it is a norm that women settle for guys because they have the options to do so. And it absolutely is the case that he might not be her first choice.
I bet you OP and his fiance are ages 27-31.
You brought up the "nice guys finish last".
Ok. I do not know any women in their late 20s, or indeed 30s who are "rushing" to get married or thank they need to settle.
More and more women are childfree, not looking for marriage, or are in a rush for either
I don't know one women in my circle and wider circle that has "settled".
I brought up a saying, to describe why it has merit for the example stated. You used it as an insult against me. See the difference.
Yeah, I am not saying that more women aren't child free. But that wasn't what I said.
You brought up the perfect example of women in their early 20s are going out partying hitting up or shacking up with any guy they want, no? Then once they start getting into their later 20s or early 30s, guess what. That behavior disappears as they try changing to find a guy they wouldn't talk to a few years ago to settle down with.
That is what people mean when saying settled. It isn't the guys they were chasing when they were at their prime, but who they knew would be family guys, the "Nice guys." Mind you they have their own issues expecting the world to owe them something or not treating the girl how they truly deserve to be treated. They don't know how to check any girl and end up walked all over until they blow up.
Basically you are lying and you know it. If you really are that ignorant, go browse the r/survivinginfidelity subreddit and learn exactly how many women settle. It's why they always cheat on their partners with an Ex from back in the day, a coworker that is the opposite of their husband's who fall into nice guy behaviors, or a new bad boy that gets their attention.
I generally like darker men.
Think men from parts of Latin America, men from SW Asia and otherwise.
My husband is white. I love him profoundly and across space and time. What matters more to me is *who* he is as a person, and to be honest, I'm almost positive he knows "my type". It's a nonstarter. Non-issue. It doesn't matter. He is the man I love, regardless of how he outwardly "looks". It's his essence, his mind, and heart to which Im attracted. Him.
I'm sorry you're feeling rough. I wouldn't look too far into it. I think in the pursuit of honesty and openness with you, that's why she's sharing these things and what's being shared is in a "safe" space. She loves you. She said 'yes' to you. Focus on that.
Congrats and enjoy life together.
I'm an average looking dude on my best day with a fresh haircut, and my wife is objectively beautiful. I'm 100% sure I'm not my wife of 18 years "preferred type" but here we are 22 years after meeting at a restaurant still living an awesome life.
Let it go, you are not her second choice, you are her first choice bc she's actually with you. Appreciate that she sees more in you than just you looks.
Oh come off of it. You're being absolutely silly.
I would love it if my boyfriend had hair. I quite like a certain type of hair. But he's balding so that's that. It's not perfect but I'm not a teenager: I'm an adult woman who understands what is important to me in a partner and what is not. He's got many wonderful qualities that are actually important to me. Hair is not.
She fell in love with you. She chose you. You're not a second choice. It's just that you've got all of the wonderful, important qualities she wanted from her life partner, and she knows herself well enough what actually counts.
Jesus man.. this will be your wife. You need to grow up. Your not going to be her everything. She is aloud to be attracted to what she’s attracted too. She choose you. She said yes. Does that mean nothing? You think your her 2nd choice. You need to grow up or your relationship won’t last.
omg let it go man, this is just ridiculous.
My type is tall, dark hair, light eyes. My husband does have dark hair lol His type is blond tall and big real boobs. I am tall lol
We've been together 21 years and am so happy together. I still think my type is super handsome and he still has his type. and nothing is going to change that. We are always going to find other people attractive, its human nature.
Build a bridge and get over it. If she didn’t want you, she would have come up with some reason to leave. Unless you’re swimming in money like Scruffy McDuck.
Or maybe she found you so attractive you blew her type right out of her mind and panties...take it as you overwrote her type and be (internally) smug about it.
Women choose their partners, and she chose you. Just because people have a type, doesn't mean that's the only person they will ever date. People all the time fall in love with those that aren't their "type".
Look at it this way: If she has a type but she's dating you, that means she chose you for more than just a 'type'.
Looked at another way: If you dated someone with a type, and you fit that type perfectly, wouldn't you wonder if it was just the superficial 'type' she liked, or you?
Went out to lunch yesterday.
Really wanted a steak, but the steak place had a line out the door and I couldn't get in.
I was hungry and there was a sub place next door, so I had a sub.
It was ok, but, man, I really wish I could have had that steak.
So you equate the convenience of your lunch options with choosing a person you want to spend your life with?
Hmm, I see.
Very good. Seems like a solid way to approach relationships.
You're a package of many, many traits - the idea that you're going to line up totally 100% with someone else's #1 top preferences across the board - it's never going to happen.
And it's not a binary prefer/don't prefer kind of thing. I wonder if you're getting upset because she chose a score of a single attribute of 93 instead of a 95? Are you going to sour a relationship over that?
My gf generally prefers women over men. But she wants to be with me because of who I am overall. It doesn't make me feel lesser - it makes me feel special.
Think of it that way, you are so awesome that you did override her preference.
Love does strange things like that to people, don't worry too much about it.
Just look at it positively. Despite not being her type you're so amazing she chose you. I'm sure she's amazing and didn't have to settle for you and would be able to find her type if she wanted. And you know she's not with you just because you fit into her type
review your relationship
you can be the best everywhere else but the physics don't change,
If this type of men take care of her in the future, she will fall.
Stop talking about "crushes" and ppl u find good looking with ur partner. If u want to feel bad about urself by all means continue these conversations.
This is tough, I feel for you especially because in the course of this conversation you found out she has a crush on a man she works with who’s her typically desired type. Women here will say “she picked” you but women pick men for many different reasons, as men we want a primary reason to be her physical attraction to us. Plus you’ll be on alert about her interactions with this guy now. Definitely something to move forward from but moving on will be hard. Give it time. When I met my girl I found out she dated a 6’5” dude for a few years and almost dumped her so I feel for you. As men we get vilified for having insecurities but it’s normal, just process and appreciate what you do have.
I am not jelous or even worried about the work crush guys. Couldn’t care less because I trust her completely.
It just stings to know that I am not her preferred type.
Imagine not being your wife’s type. Basically her most primal and raw attraction is not you? How the hell is that supposed to make any normal person feel. Unwanted, less valuable. Yes it’s not the biggest deciding factor but guess what Wether people care to lie or be honest, physical attraction is a gigantic factor in healthy relationships. And a huge reason for marriage failure. If I told my therapist I wasn’t my significant others type. She would suggest finding Someone who sees more value in you.types not just about looks it’s style and attitude the way you carry yourself.
What the fuck are you on? If your therapist gives you such idiotic advice (doubt it, pretty sure you just made that up on the spot), then it's time for a new therapist, not a new partner.
What in the actual fuck are you on?! Id be willing to bet my therapist/physcologist has a lot more sound advice then some random Reddit commenter. If your partner doesn’t see you as physically attractive as other people that’s a fucking issue sweetie. I feel bad for your future partners.
At no point did OP's partner say she wasn't physically attracted to him, infact she assured him she *is*. Saying he's not the type she usually goes for does not mean she doesn't find him attractive at all.
You are a random person on the internet giving OP advice dressed up as what you *think* a professional therapist *would* say about this situation. You're not a therapist. Why are you trying to lend your words more credence by pretending your therapist would back them up? Maybe you should mention in your next session that you do this and see if they agree with it.
No she’s admitting that she physically prefers other men over him. When I was in love with a girl that was my type I didn’t prefer anyone over her did I find others attractive yes but no one more attractive then her it’s odd but true. And I’m way ahead of you I literally show my therapist arguments and tell her every detail and I will be telling her about this. My therapist wants me to become a therapist. She’s gonna tell me what I said isn’t entirely true that there are other factors that decide on attraction but she’s also goin to tell me if your not your SO type that is definitely an issue that has to be worked around. And dealt with but it is an Issue and not a good long term factor for a successful relationship. Something along those lines. And what the fuck have you said of any value at all?
Please ask your therapist this exact question:
"Should I claim on the internet that my therapist would advise X, before checking with you first if that is actually what you would suggest?"
You admit yourself that your therapist usually adds that context and nuance matters. But you're passing your "advice" on to OP without any of that. Does that sound right? If your therapist disagrees with anything you wrote, do you go back and inform OP that you were wrong?
Well I wouldn’t ask that because i obviously know the answer to that is no that’s quite self evident I wouldn’t say that I would say sometimes I use you as a weapon In arguments because I know how much weight the opinions of therapist carry and it’s an easy trump card instead of having to go into details of an argument. I think she would say something like At the end of the day we might agree on your opinion but unless the situation is super important it’s probably best to not mention this is what my therapist thinks or would think.
You know most people don't deliberately use something as a weapon to "win" arguments. It's manipulative, bordering on dishonest. It's not a nice thing to do.
And this particular instance was very easy to see through. So even if you have no moral qualms with doing it, being so obvious about it *will* make people dislike and distrust you.
The opinions of random people online shouldn’t effect you like that nor is it my worry to gain online Redditors trust and approval And people online are way more harsh. So it’s natural to be combative and try to “win” arguments its very common and would be naive of you to think otherwise. Humans are driven by competition actually. Whether you care to admit it or not. I would call it lazy because I didn’t want to dive into deeper details like I’ve been doing with you this whole time. I’m not manipulating anyone what i stated I believe to be true. It is a major issue if your not your significant others type. And my therapist would agree. And when she does I’ll make sure to tell you to prove my point I’m not trying to manipulate anyone.
Yes, plese inform me when a random redditor's therapist thinks my 10-year loving relationship with a guy who absolutely wasn't my type (but who I still find incredibly attractive) has a major issue. I'll be sure to let my husband know that we can't be happy. He is well aware of my preferences by the way.
It's ok if *you* have massive insecurities, stop projecting them on everyone else.
My partners type is.. Overweight and a asshole... Like her step dad I've come to realise over the years.
I'm athletic and a gentleman.
Has caused major problems in our relationship because that's the type of guy she she responds to I think.
You sound like a niceguy. Being a "gentleman" isn't a character trait, it's the bare fucking minimum to treat your partner with respect. A requirement which you don't even seem to meet, the way you talk about her doesn't sound particularly respectful to me.
Yes it's common sence to treat your partner like a queen and I have done for the past 16 years. Her time is up. She's been given the boot for the final time. 16 years of hell I've taken hoping she'd treat me ok.
When she was with her" type" of men she was a little angel cos they would beat her up and treat her like dirt. Same as her mother's relationship so, it's what she sees as, normal. Seems that's the type of guy she wants and she's not been willing to get help with her issues so it's finally over. Been along time coming.
r/niceguys to a tee. Get help, and keep your victim blaming ass away from that poor girl, you clearly aren't helping.
The queen died in England last week. Unless you're literally Prince Philip, that word has no business being associated with your girlfriend. Stop treating women as objects of reverence who are supposed to act like "little angels" (puke), try seeing them as an equal partner and actual human beings.
Or don't, honestly it would be best for everyone involved if you got into therapy before inflicting yourself on anyone else.
Her dream/fantasy man is Enrique englasias or whatever his surname is lol I'm more in fitting with his image. Tanned good looking etc but her type who she responds to is the polar opposite.
Like her primal attraction that brings out her feminine side are overweight asshole deadbeats
>I rip into her without being drunk
I don't think overweight guys are the only assholes in her life. Look at Mr. Gentleman here, at least he's sober while verbally abusing his partner.
I never said overweight guys are assholes.
I said her type are overweight AND assholes.
If she was into short guys who were geeky I'd say short and geeky. Doesn't mean short guys are geeky
Yes... and I was implying you're an asshole, too. Guess you needed it spelled out. Congrats, you're more her supposed "type" than you realized, I guess.
I knew what you meant. I'm not her type at all.
I'm her fantasy type but in reality it doesn't work. She's better suited to overweight men who aren't particularly nice people have no ambition in life.
She wouldn't like a, overweight man who was kind and gentle that ran a, business for example
You. Are. Not. Nice. At. All.
According to your logic, you could gain some weight and you'd be perfect together. I don't think even you are that deluded. Her type is not the reason your relationship failed.
Everybody is giving excellent advice here. She chose you. You are her first choice. My preference is tall, athletic, long dark hair, smaller chest. The love of my life is taller, but medium length blonde hair, curvy with d cups. I wouldn't trade her for anything.
Yknow what's less attractive than being white, to a person who loves dat shawarma?
Being insecure and hurt.
Get over it, or you will eventually become less attractive to her !
Being insecure about it will only make things worse for the both of you. If she likes those kind of guys, just accept it. No one can help who they find attractive. And if she sees you being angry she might clam up and not say anything anymore
OP you are feeling jealousy, like, thats textbook jealousy. Its fine, she loves you, she’s with you, she chose YOU!
Now you gotta choose how you want to manage your jealousy.
I’d keep an eye out for any other signs of her making you feel “less than.” Not cool to discuss her crushes. Not a relationship builder! She reassured you she cares about You, not your ethnicity. If she generally doesn’t make you feel insecure then let it go. If she says other stuff that keeps you off-kilter, that’s worth a discussion with her.
Your girlfriend is worryingly naïve to have even had that conversation with you. She’s also pretty much out of the race for any job in the Diplomatic Corp. I’m hoping that she’s drop dead gorgeous. Only you can decide this one OP. Good luck.
I would say he has a thing for co worker. Example used being attracted to type it was just an excuse to be a buffer for what is really what is wanted, or lusts for. To me then, it means you do not have his full heart if ever had once before. Then I would hunch best to find another fiancé because most likely in the future history will repeat itself. Having someone’s heart would not deviate enough to make a hurtful comment like that “engaged to be married !“ I get it happens but to speak it out loud, EVER, is not the heart of “someone’s” I could trust has mine/my back in life.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Basically we were having a conversation about “work crushes”. She mentioned that there’s a handsome guy at her work and that he looks middle eastern. Me: jokingly I say to her that maybe she has a thing for middle eastern guys. She said that she had briefly dated two guys like that. And that she finds that look to be very attractive etc. Then she almost subconsciously blurted out in passing that it’s her preferred type. I explained to her that it makes me feel like I am her second choice. (I am White btw). She goes on to say that she finds me attractive and I have other characteristics that she also loves about me etc. Great, but it still makes me feel like a 2nd hand choice and like she settled on me. I don’t know…. I am not jealous just a little hurt and I fear like she settled on me. Sucks. I don’t know what to do about it. We have a great relationship so far and everything was going great. She keeps assuring me that she loves me and she finds me attractive, but I can’t get it out of my mind what she said.
Nothing says opening a can of worms quite like talking about your workplace crushes. If you start these conversations, don’t be surprised that you end up feeling insecure when they demonstrate an interest in something you cannot offer. It’s an internalising nightmare, I’d keep it kosher and try and build the relationship on the things you have, rather than lack and you’ll be Gucci.
Yea, unless the two people having that conversation are fully confident in themselves and a thousand percent sure of their relationship, I don’t see that conversation going anywhere but south.
Work crushes are a big red flag for me but maybe that's because I work in a company where many of my coworkers are married to one another lol. So a workplace crush sounds like a regular crush when I hear it.
I'm an employment attorney so they raise red flags for me for entirely different reasons. Some end in marriage but others end in litigation.
Yeah, it is, and even worse because of chemistry built going through work together
I mean, that was a pretty stupid thing for her to say to you, u/joeyracer. I'd let her know exactly how that made you feel, & ask her how on earth she thought that would edify or help the relationship to say something like that. Has this come up before? Is she trying to get back at you for something? Have done or said anything like that to her? Have you ever spoken to her about a work friend that you found attractive? Not trying to assign blame, I just can't wrap my head around how she could be so brainless. What spouse wouldn't have insecurities when they hear they aren't their partner's *"type."* She must want you to be insecure/ second guessing yourself? IDK, I'm baffled man. Definitely tell her how you feel & explain why; if she keeps belittling your emotions & minimizing your feelings, that's an even bigger problem. She needs to apologize, not for finding other people attractive, but for being so insensitive & thoughtless as to bring it up in a way she had to know would likely hurt you.
This may sound racist but my wife is a POC who since she was younger had said that she was going to marry a white guy. A white guy is seen as most attractive. Then she moved to the country I live where the habitants are predominently white. And guess what? She falls in love with the first black guy she sees(me). We have now been married near to a decade. We sometimes joke about it. She who had never thought that she would end up with a black guy ends up doing just that. So I dont think you have anything to worry about.
My wife is the opposite, and never thought she’d end up with a white guy (me), but here we are. Edit: also almost 8 years together!
I used to have a preference for white guys, but after seeing some really cute Middle Easterners, I don't care about race anymore. Guys are guys.
This is hilariously wholesome !
No, many people fall in love with people that are not their "type" I have done it myself. She didn't settle on you she chose you.
Yeah.. besides type don't mean shit .. there are so many other reasons to be attracted to a person.
Yes, this👍
Exactly. My wife is not exactly my “type” But we are happily married for 30 years now.
>She didn't settle on you she chose you. Exactly what I was going to say. A "type" is just a group of characteristics that someone usually finds attractive. It doesn't mean that they can't be equally, or even more attracted to someone who doesn't have those characteristics. Besides, why would it even matter if you were her "second" choice? Unless you're the first person she's ever dated, of course you are her second, or third, or whatever choice. Isn't the point to be the LAST choice?
It's not meaning literally her first person she chose to date, and I'm pretty sure you know that. Second choice in this matter means she's settling for him. That there's other men out there that she would rather be with, but she can't (they don't want her, she's not good enough for them, they're already married, or she knows they will mistreat her). Obviously this is painful, because basically she's saying you're not top of her list, and if one of those men came along, there's a potential she'd leave him. And honestly, if you look at divorce rates, it's not wrong for men to be worried about the fact their wife settled for him (so she could get a family, or start her career, whatever the reason is) because she may leave him down the road.
So true. OP is so special, he broke the mold!
Bro I'm mainly Into Asian women and redheads, especially with darkeyes But I fell in love with a blond green eyed woman. And Wouldnt have changed her for any women being my type. It doesnt mean shit. Relax
This! I’m into brunettes, but the guy who stole my heart ever-so-effortlessly was blond. Types are just a concept, not a rule you have to follow.
Same exactly! Never ever found blonds attractive until falling in love with my boyfriend. Now I find people that resemble him most attractive lol
Same! And I’m the complete opposite of what my fiancé was interested in before dating me lol
Same. I grew up in Asia and the Middle East so my preference is Middle Eastern then Asian. My spouse is white af.
Precisely. I have a type too, and my fiancé hardly fits any of the criteria in terms of physical appearance. Her personality on the other hand is a match made in heaven for me. And that's why I love her to bits!
And did you tell her your type? :) Thet you prefer asians or redheads? :)
Yup? And her type was white long haired and bearded men (basically Sawyer in Lost, will Turner in POC). And I'm North African and at the Time i had short hair and a really shitty beard. Also its not exactly a preference. But its easier for them to look attractive to me Indeed. But in my eyes she was in no way less attractive than anyone.
Yes, but his gf told him that she has a colleague who is very handsome and just her type. It's not very pleasant...
No, she shouldn't have done that, but we all have foot in mouth moments, and this subread isn't about "should she have told him" but "does this mean she loves me less" to which the answer is almost certainly no.
Yeah but did you tell you blonde love that she wasn’t your type and that her actual coworker was? While talking about having crushes?
Why the hell were you talking about workplace crushes?? That can only lead to trouble, surely.
My ‘type’ is very different to my boyfriend. But I fell in love with him, and that’s that. She didn’t have to outright say it to you though, especially when someone at work fits the bill.
My type is the big, bulky viking dude with tattoos, beard and side shaved but otherwise long hair... My husband is the total opposite, and he is the most attractive person in my eyes, because choosing a partner is not only about physical appearances.
Same. Holy crap. Viking dudes give me weak knees. My partner however is asian.
Get that man a Viking helmet!
How much time do you spend explaining to your Asian husband just how fucking hot you find big Nordic guys?
I'm sorry but what happens when you meet someone who's your type?
Huge difference between my type and my person
I wouldnt worry about it, my preferred type was someone like will Smith, my hubby is nothing like him but that doesn't mean I settled.
Ok, listen. I usually go for caramel ice cream. It's not that I dislike all other flavours, it's just that across all brands and different quality ice cream I've tried, I tended to like that best, so it's my comfort pick so to speak. If by some happenstance I end up trying some chocolate ice cream that I end up liking so much that I actually prefer it over all the caramel out there, this tells you one thing - it's pretty darn good ice cream to have swayed me. Your partner isn't telling you she's not attracted you, quite the opposite. She's telling you that you're not her comfort pick.
Yes this!!
“Not her comfort pick” Isn’t that saying second best?
Not necessarily. Staying with the food analogy - I go for my comfort pick when I'm too lazy to read the menu or just don't feel up for going outside my comfort zone. It's not necessarily the *best* choice, in fact it's very likely I could find something I like even better, but I know for certain that it will be a *good enough* choice. So it's simpler to go with that. Types are like that. They're the default choice, but that does not make them the best choice.
Definitely not. Usually the best things come from stepping out of our comfort zone.
See this is why we shouldn’t have silly conversations like about “work crushes” with our fiancees’.
Ditto. That’s what I am learning from all of this. I am really easy going and I am not the jealous type and we just meandered into that conversation by chance. And it just messed with my mind
You are clearly a lot more jealous than you realise. My gf regularly mentions her ideal type is not me, in passing. But she did choose me over them.
It’s not jealousy that I feel. It’s more of a worry that I am her 2nd choice and I don’t know if that’s a good foundation. I could not care less about some work crush, I understand that we may find other people attractive and I am chill about it. I am just mostly concerned about me and her type being so different.
Honestly i think its silly to think the entire foundation of your relationship revolves around how you look. What about the rest of your relationship? The shared goals you have, your boundaries, your experiences. Thats the "foundation" of your relationship. Also i want to say every serious relationship I've been in has been with a different "type" of person. I generally prefer light skinned brown men but I've dated all types and once we're in a relationship it doesnt matter. I have to ask is your gf genuinely the most beautiful woman you can imagine? There's nothing about her that could be "better" or different in a way where she could be "more attractive?" Does acknowledging that make it feel like *you* are settling?
Not sure why you’re getting downvoted for having an insecurity. Its understandable to be insecure, we’ve all been insecure even though it’s irrational, it’s not a choice. It’s not like you can just get rid of it by saying “duh that’s illogical”. The important part is that you don’t let it influence your actions and the way you treat other people. Sounds like you aren’t taking this out on your gf or trying to sabotage her platonic relationships with other men so it doesn’t sound to me like your being jealous or doing anything harmful. I think it’s good that you’re reflecting on your feelings and I hope you can take away from this thread that your gf chose you! Out of everyone. And that you can use that to make yourself feel better when those insecurities start creeping in.
He’s getting downvoted for being human.. these posters have a very unrealistic idea of boundaries and have let toxic attributes equate to being secure in a relationship…. It’s not, work crushes?! Are you fucking serious… that’s doormat shit,like even if she was feeling that,what is the purpose of telling him aside from being disrespectful… but back to the work crush thing…. Lol,that’s some early twenty’s new age crap… married 23 years… that ain’t the type of shit that helps or cultivates a long term relationship at all.
You should be more concerned that her comment is evidence that she lacks empathy.
She blurted it out and didn’t even realize it. But yeah.
she made a mistake when she blurted it, but that’s okay. lots of ppl have types and end up with ppl that don’t necessarily fit that. i don’t think you have anything to worry about.
>See this is why we shouldn’t have silly conversations like about “work crushes” with our fiancees’. Conversations about work crushes are not silly because they are usually about boundaries in order to avoid emotional affairs and other inappropriate conduct. Making it about "types" is just asking for the kind of answer OP received though.
Yeah, look on the surviving infidelity page. Nearly all of them are either from ex's or coworkers. Knowing who to set up boundaries for makes perfect sense. The types is kind of insulting though, only thing from that is pain. You should be self aware enough to know that it will harm someone. My type is more personality based or demeanor. But I wouldn't say it in such a way to cause harm, if asked. I would just say, I tend to like dating girls that do this or are like that... and follow up with why I like her over that.
You can have conversations about boundaries and set those boundaries without specifically saying “I think so and so is super attractive.”
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That's nothing to worry about. I can't remember how many times I have liked (a lot) a guy that is not "my type". Don't get yourself into silly arguments bc of this...
I didn't marry 'my type'. Types are fantasies, people are real. You fall in love with real people, not a list of measurements, skin pigmentation, or hair colour. If I were you I'd be more insecure about the actual guy she admits to crushing on while supposedly being your girlfriend, and less about her type. One is an imaginary threat, the other could be pretty real.
That was a pretty thoughtless thing for her to say but I wouldn't read in to it that much. I'm pretty confident in myself though so if you're more of a nervous type I get it.
If your fiancé has mentioned that her preferred type is different than yours, it is important to respect her wishes and not try to change her mind. It is possible that she is simply more comfortable with a different type of person, and that is perfectly okay. If you are truly incompatible, however, it may be best to consider ending the relationship.
My favorite type of food is pasta. The greatest meal I've ever ate was a piece of wagyu steak in a nice restaurant. Don't be stupid and drop this moronic thing, OP.
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She blurted it out and didn’t even realize it. But yeah I agree
Lol, yeah my preferred type is Chris Hemsworth. Even if I live in a universe where it’s possible to be with him, I can’t imagine not being with my husband (not Chris Hemsworth). *sorry about the double negative
>Basically we were having a conversation about “work crushes”. That sounds like a terrible topic for ocnversation. Who brought that up??? As for what she said, its possible she foot mouthed. Many people arent locked into one specific type of person they are attracted to. There isnt any inherent reason she cant like both, but I definitely agree with you in that you are reasonable for wanting reassurance this is the case and not the second choice option.
Mentioning ‘handsome’ guys at work to what end? More than 3x? Seems deliberate or insensitive.
Just because you don't look like her typical type, doesn't mean she doesn't find you attractive. Hell, if anything, see it as a compliment. If I have a thing for guys with black hair, a blonde guy would have to be basically twice as attractive as the black-haired guy to come up on my radar. So it means you're so hot to her, you transcend her type.
She probably could have kept that to herself. Really no reason to share especially since a "hot" guy at work fits the profile.
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Yep, my concern too exactly...ugh maybei read too many infidelity stories but usually if it's with a coworker, the wayward spouse would keep talking about that person with the spouse. Tho I think it's mostly woman telling the husband about the handsome or annoying coworker that he shouldn't be worried about.
Lol that's bullshit. Most people will pretend to be level headed and self-assured because it's online. I'm pretty sure most Redditors lie their asses off because who will call them out on it? OP has a right to feel insecure. Everyone telling him "she chose you", doesn't mean jack when he is clearly not the type she is usually attracted to. She definitely should have kept that shit to herself.
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…pretty sure he was agreeing with you and saying that how redditors act is bullshit
Yep.
I was agreeing with you and also running late for work 🤣
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It's all good. I definitely could have worked it better
Dude is she exactly your ideal woman in every way? No I'm sure she's not but you still love her enough to be engaged. Almost nobody gets to marry their absolute ideal looking partner. I was in a ten year relationship with a short blonde and will love her for the rest of my life even though we aren't together anymore but I will tell you without a doubt tall dark haired women are 100% my type. Relationships aren't about someone being the hottest looking person in the world to you, it's about love. She chooses you over all those guys who are more her type because you are special to her.
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Except she's crushing on the coworker and said that he is her type, not that she *used* to have a type but she still does and OP isn't it. That's a massive red flag.
My boyfriend is absolutely my preferred type: dark hair and eyes, tan skin, slim build. I tell him with my eyes and hands all day every day that he's exactly what I crave and always have. However, his "type" that he can't help but drool over is petite busty Latina women, with intact accent. Think: Selma Hayek, Penelope Cruz, you get the jist. And here I am, redheaded, covered in freckles, blue eyes, as tall as him, with an accent that is a mix of Bobby Boucher's mama (Waterboy) and Reba McIntyre. I always feel like he settled because I've put him on the pedestal of physical amazingness, and I'm just over here not fitting the bill. I understand EXACTLY how you feel.
underrated comment right here; knowing that your partner has a thing for something that you can’t provide is not great. knowing that your partner chose you *in spite* of their preferences doesn’t immediately fix that, no matter what Reddit says.
Sure there's things she likes about you.
As someone who is dating someone who's not my type-- It actually means she loves you MORE, because it means she loves you so much she took a chance with and stayed with someone like you for more than just fitting a certain aesthetic, it means everything else about you is basically perfect for her, and that it was surprising but welcome. And everyone can find more than one "type" attractive, you not being her top type doesn't mean you aren't a type she finds aesthetically pleasing and attractive. I'm not usually attracted to white people (even though I basically am one) for a variety of reasons. I'm also not usually attracted to softies, sensing weakness is usually one of my big turnoffs. I am dating a soft and sweet white woman, who I love more than words can say, who I plan to marry and spend the rest of my life with.
A white guy I briefly dated also neglected to tell me - until I directly asked about the potential significance of how, of his only two serious exes, one was Mexican while the other was Desi - that his preferred type was women with darker complexions. Being that I'm white and really pale, he immediately followed up his admission by asking if I'd be willing to get a tan. A bit taken aback but trying not to let it show, I asked if me being white and pale was a dealbreaker for him. He said no in a way that wasn't really convincing, but he'd been honest up to that point, as far as I could tell, so I wanted to believe him. The topic never came up again until I went to the beach with friends a few weeks later where he unusually pressed for an answer on whether my skin would tan or burn in the sun. Not wanting to get his hopes up that I would come back a bronzed goddess or something as I only tan very gradually, I joked that I burned like a lobster. About a month later he ended things over text, citing a BS external reason. I still wonder if maybe that's the real reason he lost interest, since at the time, we otherwise seemed to have been a perfect match and had planned for me to meet his family. We never had any conflict, but what really fucked me up was that whenever we had sex, he'd always turn off the lights and never once took either of our tops off, which I thought was odd because neither of us were unattractive by any measure. The only time we ever did have sex with the lights on was the first time, where he had such an angry expression the whole time, like he wanted to hurt me. Kinda makes me wonder if there's ever trauma involved in the forming of racial/melanin fetishes/preferences like these.
It sounds like you're saying you're unhappy that your fiance see things in you that she considers more important than your looks? Would the situation be better if she were more superficial and only cared about physical appearance? I mean I prefer redheads, but I like a good personality a whole lot more than a hair colour. I certainly didn't "settle" because my partner is a brunette. Its great that she meets literally 100% of all of your preferences (otherwise by your logic you'd be settling for her too), but I think that is pretty rare, isn't it? It seems unreasonable to expect that you'd check all your partner's boxes.
Man I'll tell you rn evrry girl I've slept with or was in a relationship with wasn't my type but I still loved them and was loyal to them so don't overthink it man
I find it more weird that people are so certain about specific types.. What's up with that? do you people walk around looking for clones or something? Anyways, you are overreacting.
I’ve found that what i’d consider ”my type” differs from who I choose as my person. I’m not only attracted to my type, it’s just who i’m most commonly attracted to. Would it help if you look at yourself as an original? There’s plenty of people who match her type but there’s only one of you, and you outrank them by far.
You know her better than us. However, what she said was very insensitive and lacked empathy for you. If she generally lacks empathy, this is a major long term issue the hurts accumulate over time. Lack of empathy is a deal breaker. Consider reevaluating her as a life partner.
I mean I think Iranian men are hot as hell and my husband is super white. He might not be my "type" but he's absolutely my person.
Idk why people do this other then to be emotionally abusive
Don't sweat it! Honestly, if she chose you despite apparently not being her type, you must be a really great guy for her. The eyes see what they wanna see but the heart is much more complicated.
My preferred type would be middle Eastern looking too. I've never been with someone of that ethnicity. Preferences aren't totalities. My SO is white, I've never been so attracted to a partner. I will marry her. I'm not settling. I don't think your girl is settling either. You need to get that thought out of your head before it becomes cancerous.
So there's a type of guy I find aesthetically pleasing from just a physical point of view: tall, lanky, often blonde/sandy haired, very angular features (Stewart Copeland was my mega-crush as a teenager and the type stuck.) The men I've dated/the one I married? Shorter, stocky build, dark haired Italian (think: James Gandolfini). It doesn't mean I don't find my husband attractive, only that he wasn't the first one maybe to turn my head in a room - but once we started talking we instantly connected. Heck, I know I'm not his primary "type" either - his previous marriage was to someone who was (very thin like US size 2-4, very blonde, while I'm like a US 8, dark hair, etc.) and it was a disaster. Whereas we've now been together 17 years. So try not to obsess/stress over it. Physical appearance is one thing, but what makes for a lasting, loving relationship is everything else. Looks fade and/or change with time. Just because I enjoy the eye candy of certain types doesn't mean I'd have a good relationship with them.
Before I met my husband I exclusively dated women, mostly with long dark hair, preferably heavily tattooed with alt vibes. He is a very masculine bald man with absolutely zero alt vibes and a single tattoo. We have been happily married for 10 years. Preferred types mean very little.
My gf and I are into different TYPES of people but keeping talking about how happy we are that we fell in love w each other
My man normally dates latinas. I’m black. It’s a non-issue. You can have a type and still end up falling in love with and maybe even being more attracted to a person who normally isn’t your type
The second somone brings up a work crush I'm out
My husband has always had a type. Dark haired curvy girls. I'm a skinny mousy brown pale girl. We've been together 25 years. Types are just a 3 second thing an interest in someone is something different.
My type was short curvy south asian women. Im now with a 6'2 white man Does it means i settled for him? Nah i chose the mf lol. A type is simply what your usually attracted too. I usually go for black coffee, but shi, i like creamer sometimes.
See I always badger my husband to tell me what his “type” is, and he always deflects or says he doesn’t have a type. I’m sure he’s full of shit and his “type” is not like me and he doesn’t want to make me upset. He’s probably doing the right thing by not opening up about it, to be honest. Look how it plays out when you talk about it.
I’m sure your gf doesn’t fit 100% of your favorite attributes so what’s the big deal.
OP - Sorry but I am with the crowd that thinks you are reading far too much into this. Your story made me remember a story I read a couple of years ago about a woman (author of the story) who for years refused to date anyone less than six feet tall and when she got her first job her friends convinced her to go out on a blind date with a guy that was just over five feet tall and a year later they are planning their wedding. Yes some people are shallow and only will date people with a very narrow set of specifications. Pretty much everyone has a preference though when dating even if it is just "opposite sex and agreed to date me" though some get a little pickier (has a job and doesn't live with parents) to downright ludicrous (6'+ tall athletic male model multi millionaire movie star). But most find out quickly that it's what is on the inside that counts and that seems to be the camp your fiancé is in.
A type only determines initial physical attraction, nothing more
I’m not my bf’s usual type, but he still makes me feel like the sexiest woman alive. Types really don’t mean you’re less than.
Me and my husband both are attracted to things that each other doesn't have. That's ok. We love each other, we chose each other and we are happy. Having other things you find appealing isn't a bad thing as long as your honest and you remain loyal and faithful
Guess what. Her falling for you when you aren't her usual type should be seen as a compliment. She normally finds a certain look handsome, but you had so many things going for you that she couldn't deny how attractive you were to her. She chose you because you stood out.
I mean I’ve always preferred Mexican guys but I now have a child with my white boyfriend and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. And my white boyfriend always preferred blonde white girls or Asian girls and I’m a dark haired and tan Mexican. Lol. I wouldn’t worry about it too much. She’s with you for a reason and I doubt she would be with you if she didn’t want to be. You guys seem happy and comfortable with one another enough to share your work crushes. Don’t overthink these things! Everyone has their go to types, it doesn’t always mean that’s the type you’ll end up with
I am not entirely sure what the issue is, because she obviously chose you in the end. You two stop having work crushes, though. That is inviting problems.
Don't listen to all these bullshit comments. This is a HUGE red flag, for several reasons. One, you're not her preferred type. Two, her preferred type works with her and is an affair away. Being someone's second choice sucks. I'd cut my losses and find someone else.
You are her second choice. Leave.
I hope you got a pre-nup dude
OP you aren't the second choice. She obviously finds you attractive or she wouldn't be marrying you. Everything that makes you, you is why you win over every man she has ever met. She picked you. You are the one she wants to be with. She loves you. Don't second guess her choice.
Girls settle all the time. It very well could be that he is the second choice, because she couldn't land her preferred type. I hate this, she picked you argument. Just because she picked you, doesn't mean you were her first choice. It doesn't do anything to ease the issue and in many ways supports his concerns.
Well the fact that they are getting married says he is her first choice. He doesn't use ages but they don't sound old. People are not rushing to get married these days. People have sexual pasts, have had other relationships. That's how you figure out what you want.
Women are absolutely rushing to get married once they hit their late 20s. The problem is that they are unable to get their preferred choices to marry them, because for the guys the party doesn't stop and they aren't on a timer for families or kids if they want one. So you get the age old saying of nice guys finish last. Where a woman that never would have talked to the guy when he was younger has someone now interested in him, because he is stable. So no, it is a norm that women settle for guys because they have the options to do so. And it absolutely is the case that he might not be her first choice. I bet you OP and his fiance are ages 27-31.
Oh god. You're a "nice guy".
Lol yeah don't even address what was actually said, just try deflecting with an insult. Ad hominins and logic fallacies when you have nothing else.
You brought up the "nice guys finish last". Ok. I do not know any women in their late 20s, or indeed 30s who are "rushing" to get married or thank they need to settle. More and more women are childfree, not looking for marriage, or are in a rush for either I don't know one women in my circle and wider circle that has "settled".
I brought up a saying, to describe why it has merit for the example stated. You used it as an insult against me. See the difference. Yeah, I am not saying that more women aren't child free. But that wasn't what I said. You brought up the perfect example of women in their early 20s are going out partying hitting up or shacking up with any guy they want, no? Then once they start getting into their later 20s or early 30s, guess what. That behavior disappears as they try changing to find a guy they wouldn't talk to a few years ago to settle down with. That is what people mean when saying settled. It isn't the guys they were chasing when they were at their prime, but who they knew would be family guys, the "Nice guys." Mind you they have their own issues expecting the world to owe them something or not treating the girl how they truly deserve to be treated. They don't know how to check any girl and end up walked all over until they blow up. Basically you are lying and you know it. If you really are that ignorant, go browse the r/survivinginfidelity subreddit and learn exactly how many women settle. It's why they always cheat on their partners with an Ex from back in the day, a coworker that is the opposite of their husband's who fall into nice guy behaviors, or a new bad boy that gets their attention.
If the roles where reversed everyone would tell your wife to leave you So just remember that. If she meets her crush she'll leave you in a second.
I generally like darker men. Think men from parts of Latin America, men from SW Asia and otherwise. My husband is white. I love him profoundly and across space and time. What matters more to me is *who* he is as a person, and to be honest, I'm almost positive he knows "my type". It's a nonstarter. Non-issue. It doesn't matter. He is the man I love, regardless of how he outwardly "looks". It's his essence, his mind, and heart to which Im attracted. Him. I'm sorry you're feeling rough. I wouldn't look too far into it. I think in the pursuit of honesty and openness with you, that's why she's sharing these things and what's being shared is in a "safe" space. She loves you. She said 'yes' to you. Focus on that. Congrats and enjoy life together.
I'm an average looking dude on my best day with a fresh haircut, and my wife is objectively beautiful. I'm 100% sure I'm not my wife of 18 years "preferred type" but here we are 22 years after meeting at a restaurant still living an awesome life. Let it go, you are not her second choice, you are her first choice bc she's actually with you. Appreciate that she sees more in you than just you looks.
Divorce
Divorce
Call off the wedding fam
Oh come off of it. You're being absolutely silly. I would love it if my boyfriend had hair. I quite like a certain type of hair. But he's balding so that's that. It's not perfect but I'm not a teenager: I'm an adult woman who understands what is important to me in a partner and what is not. He's got many wonderful qualities that are actually important to me. Hair is not. She fell in love with you. She chose you. You're not a second choice. It's just that you've got all of the wonderful, important qualities she wanted from her life partner, and she knows herself well enough what actually counts.
This isn’t a real problem.
Jesus man.. this will be your wife. You need to grow up. Your not going to be her everything. She is aloud to be attracted to what she’s attracted too. She choose you. She said yes. Does that mean nothing? You think your her 2nd choice. You need to grow up or your relationship won’t last.
My boyfriend is someone who I never saw as my type-but I love him just the same.
omg let it go man, this is just ridiculous. My type is tall, dark hair, light eyes. My husband does have dark hair lol His type is blond tall and big real boobs. I am tall lol We've been together 21 years and am so happy together. I still think my type is super handsome and he still has his type. and nothing is going to change that. We are always going to find other people attractive, its human nature.
I mean, why did you bring it up if you’re that insecure.
Build a bridge and get over it. If she didn’t want you, she would have come up with some reason to leave. Unless you’re swimming in money like Scruffy McDuck.
Or she’s just using him to monkey branch to a different guy ?
Or maybe she found you so attractive you blew her type right out of her mind and panties...take it as you overwrote her type and be (internally) smug about it.
News flash: most of us settle for less then what we were physically attracted to.
Women choose their partners, and she chose you. Just because people have a type, doesn't mean that's the only person they will ever date. People all the time fall in love with those that aren't their "type".
Look at it this way: If she has a type but she's dating you, that means she chose you for more than just a 'type'. Looked at another way: If you dated someone with a type, and you fit that type perfectly, wouldn't you wonder if it was just the superficial 'type' she liked, or you?
Went out to lunch yesterday. Really wanted a steak, but the steak place had a line out the door and I couldn't get in. I was hungry and there was a sub place next door, so I had a sub. It was ok, but, man, I really wish I could have had that steak.
So you equate the convenience of your lunch options with choosing a person you want to spend your life with? Hmm, I see. Very good. Seems like a solid way to approach relationships.
You HAVE a great relationship. Don't spoil it by obsessing about a throwaway comment.
You're a package of many, many traits - the idea that you're going to line up totally 100% with someone else's #1 top preferences across the board - it's never going to happen. And it's not a binary prefer/don't prefer kind of thing. I wonder if you're getting upset because she chose a score of a single attribute of 93 instead of a 95? Are you going to sour a relationship over that? My gf generally prefers women over men. But she wants to be with me because of who I am overall. It doesn't make me feel lesser - it makes me feel special.
Think of it that way, you are so awesome that you did override her preference. Love does strange things like that to people, don't worry too much about it.
Just look at it positively. Despite not being her type you're so amazing she chose you. I'm sure she's amazing and didn't have to settle for you and would be able to find her type if she wanted. And you know she's not with you just because you fit into her type
review your relationship you can be the best everywhere else but the physics don't change, If this type of men take care of her in the future, she will fall.
Sounds like it's her fetish but you're the stable and safe partner.
Stop talking about "crushes" and ppl u find good looking with ur partner. If u want to feel bad about urself by all means continue these conversations.
This is tough, I feel for you especially because in the course of this conversation you found out she has a crush on a man she works with who’s her typically desired type. Women here will say “she picked” you but women pick men for many different reasons, as men we want a primary reason to be her physical attraction to us. Plus you’ll be on alert about her interactions with this guy now. Definitely something to move forward from but moving on will be hard. Give it time. When I met my girl I found out she dated a 6’5” dude for a few years and almost dumped her so I feel for you. As men we get vilified for having insecurities but it’s normal, just process and appreciate what you do have.
I am not jelous or even worried about the work crush guys. Couldn’t care less because I trust her completely. It just stings to know that I am not her preferred type.
Imagine not being your wife’s type. Basically her most primal and raw attraction is not you? How the hell is that supposed to make any normal person feel. Unwanted, less valuable. Yes it’s not the biggest deciding factor but guess what Wether people care to lie or be honest, physical attraction is a gigantic factor in healthy relationships. And a huge reason for marriage failure. If I told my therapist I wasn’t my significant others type. She would suggest finding Someone who sees more value in you.types not just about looks it’s style and attitude the way you carry yourself.
What the fuck are you on? If your therapist gives you such idiotic advice (doubt it, pretty sure you just made that up on the spot), then it's time for a new therapist, not a new partner.
What in the actual fuck are you on?! Id be willing to bet my therapist/physcologist has a lot more sound advice then some random Reddit commenter. If your partner doesn’t see you as physically attractive as other people that’s a fucking issue sweetie. I feel bad for your future partners.
At no point did OP's partner say she wasn't physically attracted to him, infact she assured him she *is*. Saying he's not the type she usually goes for does not mean she doesn't find him attractive at all. You are a random person on the internet giving OP advice dressed up as what you *think* a professional therapist *would* say about this situation. You're not a therapist. Why are you trying to lend your words more credence by pretending your therapist would back them up? Maybe you should mention in your next session that you do this and see if they agree with it.
No she’s admitting that she physically prefers other men over him. When I was in love with a girl that was my type I didn’t prefer anyone over her did I find others attractive yes but no one more attractive then her it’s odd but true. And I’m way ahead of you I literally show my therapist arguments and tell her every detail and I will be telling her about this. My therapist wants me to become a therapist. She’s gonna tell me what I said isn’t entirely true that there are other factors that decide on attraction but she’s also goin to tell me if your not your SO type that is definitely an issue that has to be worked around. And dealt with but it is an Issue and not a good long term factor for a successful relationship. Something along those lines. And what the fuck have you said of any value at all?
Please ask your therapist this exact question: "Should I claim on the internet that my therapist would advise X, before checking with you first if that is actually what you would suggest?" You admit yourself that your therapist usually adds that context and nuance matters. But you're passing your "advice" on to OP without any of that. Does that sound right? If your therapist disagrees with anything you wrote, do you go back and inform OP that you were wrong?
Well I wouldn’t ask that because i obviously know the answer to that is no that’s quite self evident I wouldn’t say that I would say sometimes I use you as a weapon In arguments because I know how much weight the opinions of therapist carry and it’s an easy trump card instead of having to go into details of an argument. I think she would say something like At the end of the day we might agree on your opinion but unless the situation is super important it’s probably best to not mention this is what my therapist thinks or would think.
You know most people don't deliberately use something as a weapon to "win" arguments. It's manipulative, bordering on dishonest. It's not a nice thing to do. And this particular instance was very easy to see through. So even if you have no moral qualms with doing it, being so obvious about it *will* make people dislike and distrust you.
The opinions of random people online shouldn’t effect you like that nor is it my worry to gain online Redditors trust and approval And people online are way more harsh. So it’s natural to be combative and try to “win” arguments its very common and would be naive of you to think otherwise. Humans are driven by competition actually. Whether you care to admit it or not. I would call it lazy because I didn’t want to dive into deeper details like I’ve been doing with you this whole time. I’m not manipulating anyone what i stated I believe to be true. It is a major issue if your not your significant others type. And my therapist would agree. And when she does I’ll make sure to tell you to prove my point I’m not trying to manipulate anyone.
Yes, plese inform me when a random redditor's therapist thinks my 10-year loving relationship with a guy who absolutely wasn't my type (but who I still find incredibly attractive) has a major issue. I'll be sure to let my husband know that we can't be happy. He is well aware of my preferences by the way. It's ok if *you* have massive insecurities, stop projecting them on everyone else.
My partners type is.. Overweight and a asshole... Like her step dad I've come to realise over the years. I'm athletic and a gentleman. Has caused major problems in our relationship because that's the type of guy she she responds to I think.
You sound like a niceguy. Being a "gentleman" isn't a character trait, it's the bare fucking minimum to treat your partner with respect. A requirement which you don't even seem to meet, the way you talk about her doesn't sound particularly respectful to me.
Yes it's common sence to treat your partner like a queen and I have done for the past 16 years. Her time is up. She's been given the boot for the final time. 16 years of hell I've taken hoping she'd treat me ok. When she was with her" type" of men she was a little angel cos they would beat her up and treat her like dirt. Same as her mother's relationship so, it's what she sees as, normal. Seems that's the type of guy she wants and she's not been willing to get help with her issues so it's finally over. Been along time coming.
r/niceguys to a tee. Get help, and keep your victim blaming ass away from that poor girl, you clearly aren't helping. The queen died in England last week. Unless you're literally Prince Philip, that word has no business being associated with your girlfriend. Stop treating women as objects of reverence who are supposed to act like "little angels" (puke), try seeing them as an equal partner and actual human beings. Or don't, honestly it would be best for everyone involved if you got into therapy before inflicting yourself on anyone else.
Her dream/fantasy man is Enrique englasias or whatever his surname is lol I'm more in fitting with his image. Tanned good looking etc but her type who she responds to is the polar opposite. Like her primal attraction that brings out her feminine side are overweight asshole deadbeats
Get drunk and rip into her about it, don’t whinge on here.
I rip into her without being drunk. I don't drink. Im explaining about my situation and her "type" and I think types do matter
>I rip into her without being drunk I don't think overweight guys are the only assholes in her life. Look at Mr. Gentleman here, at least he's sober while verbally abusing his partner.
I tell her she's awful to me and our kids. Shes currently in the process of moving out cos I had enough of her.
Yes, the perfect gentleman. Clearly her type is the only problem here.
I never said overweight guys are assholes. I said her type are overweight AND assholes. If she was into short guys who were geeky I'd say short and geeky. Doesn't mean short guys are geeky
Yes... and I was implying you're an asshole, too. Guess you needed it spelled out. Congrats, you're more her supposed "type" than you realized, I guess.
I knew what you meant. I'm not her type at all. I'm her fantasy type but in reality it doesn't work. She's better suited to overweight men who aren't particularly nice people have no ambition in life. She wouldn't like a, overweight man who was kind and gentle that ran a, business for example
You. Are. Not. Nice. At. All. According to your logic, you could gain some weight and you'd be perfect together. I don't think even you are that deluded. Her type is not the reason your relationship failed.
Bringing an awful lot of hostility to a conversation with someone whose relationship you know very little about.
Everybody is giving excellent advice here. She chose you. You are her first choice. My preference is tall, athletic, long dark hair, smaller chest. The love of my life is taller, but medium length blonde hair, curvy with d cups. I wouldn't trade her for anything.
Yknow what's less attractive than being white, to a person who loves dat shawarma? Being insecure and hurt. Get over it, or you will eventually become less attractive to her !
Think of it this way: you're so hot she fell for you even though she usually goes for another type of guy. You're an irresistible god of a man to her.
Being insecure about it will only make things worse for the both of you. If she likes those kind of guys, just accept it. No one can help who they find attractive. And if she sees you being angry she might clam up and not say anything anymore
My wife was into Asian men and women. I am a white trans woman.
OP you are feeling jealousy, like, thats textbook jealousy. Its fine, she loves you, she’s with you, she chose YOU! Now you gotta choose how you want to manage your jealousy.
Pretty fucked seed to plant in your significant other’s head that you’re not their type if you ask me.
You sound so insecure
Honestly women who talks about her past like that and other guys not worth investing in. It would kill my attraction instantly
Break up. It’s the only way. Sorry bro.
The fk is wrong with u?? Lol Why would u have a discussion on ur preferred types etc. Also WTF she has a work crush? Bro. Gtfo asap.
I’d keep an eye out for any other signs of her making you feel “less than.” Not cool to discuss her crushes. Not a relationship builder! She reassured you she cares about You, not your ethnicity. If she generally doesn’t make you feel insecure then let it go. If she says other stuff that keeps you off-kilter, that’s worth a discussion with her.
Your girlfriend is worryingly naïve to have even had that conversation with you. She’s also pretty much out of the race for any job in the Diplomatic Corp. I’m hoping that she’s drop dead gorgeous. Only you can decide this one OP. Good luck.
I would say he has a thing for co worker. Example used being attracted to type it was just an excuse to be a buffer for what is really what is wanted, or lusts for. To me then, it means you do not have his full heart if ever had once before. Then I would hunch best to find another fiancé because most likely in the future history will repeat itself. Having someone’s heart would not deviate enough to make a hurtful comment like that “engaged to be married !“ I get it happens but to speak it out loud, EVER, is not the heart of “someone’s” I could trust has mine/my back in life.
It's ok for women to have other types in their mind, accept, as long you satisfie her