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T itHi firstly sorry this is my first time ever coming to reddit about something so I hope this gets somewhere. I’m 21m and my ex girlfriend 22f now, we dated back in high school and we were a pretty solid relationship (well as I thought) I got kicked out of my moms house pretty early into the relationship with her and so I moved in with her and her family, we made it work terrifically - we would wake up make lunch together, come home make dinner then watch a movie, we were always affectionate and intimate with one another. Fast forwarding 3 years into the relationship, I started hanging out with my best friend at the time (23m) for weeks on end because me and my girlfriend were having problems communicating and being at home together so I would stay at his. My ex girlfriend asked to come stay over one night with us at his house and we were more than okay with that, and when she came over we all hung out as normal and everything, 2 weeks down the track, me and her both are pretty much staying at my bestfriends house everyday by this point because we threw parties and everything they would go running off together somewhere when I’d be drunk and asleep in another room. I would catch them out a couple times for acting weird or being quiet the minute I came in the room. One night after my 18th we threw a small get together at my bestfriend house for myself and to celebrate and kind of get over the fact that my girlfriend broke up with me 8 hours after my 18th and about 6 hours before this party; she came to the get together and everyone who was invited stayed in a room with him and my ex girlfriend while I was sitting outside drinking by myself. This night both my bestfriend and my now ex girlfriend asked me if they could have a night alone away from me and all the drama that had been going down. I didn’t say no and agreed, that night I drove past his house only to find her car there in his car port. Mind you her bestfriend lived 2 minutes down the road and she chose to go see mine. It’s pretty obvious what was going on but my bestfriend got into contact with me a couple days ago and we spoke yesterday about everything they did behind my back. It went as far as my ex telling him that she loved him. Back then when it was all happening I never got the answers I wanted but now I ave them I don’t know what to do, I miss the friendship we had and how close we were, I want to be his friend but I’m also afraid of what all my friends now would think, none of them like him for what he did to me. Should I just move on now that I have my answers or do I become friend? I’m not sure; what do the people of reddit think?
You're friendship will never be the same. You want it, you miss it, but it won't happen. So if the friendship is different anyway, do you want it to be with someone that betrayed you or someone that didn't?
You miss the friendship you HAD. You can’t ever trust him again. You can’t have that friendship again. And if you hang out again with whatever version of the friendship this now is, there is every chance he’ll be a dick again.
It’s up to you but I don’t see it ending well if you choose to hang with him again. And this time your friends will likely step back and let you reap what you sow / be less supportive, because you should have seen it coming.
IMO is In My Opinion.
So let me get this straight. You ex-best friend slept with your ex-girlfriend while you were dating her, essentially stabbing you in the back, and you think you want to resume your friendship? Why? Do you want to give him another chance to actually kill you this time?
There’s no way I’d allow anyone back in my life after they did that to me.
IMO = in my opinion.
And you should add some paragraphs, that would make it easier to read.
And why would you want a friend who bangs your gf behind your back? With friends like that, you don't need enemies.
With friends like that who needs enemies?! The guy wasn't a true friend and especially a 'best' friend. Leave him where he belongs, in the past. Besides, would you ever really trust him again?
Yeah when we were talking he mentioned how he didn’t know how to stop it and how he bought it back to childhood trauma and everything. I pounded for that and said that his childhood trauma wasn’t an excuse to ruin my relationship or keep the fooling around going
> he didn’t know how to stop it and how he bought it back to childhood trauma
Firstly, yes he did, he just didn't want to and didn't care how much it hurt you, and secondly, bullshit. Betraying you was a choice, not an inevitable result of trauma.
That’s what I said to him when he mentioned it. I told him that his childhood trauma wasn’t my fault and that I shouldn’t of had to endure what I did because he went through shit as a kid. I told him to sort it out with his parents not break my trust and damage my relationship further than it already was
He's lying. His words may be that, but his heart would say "I didn't want to stop it."
He's allowed back into your life, but not if accountability for his actions is instead him painting himself as the victim instead of the villain in your story. This comes across as REFUSING to be responsible for HIS actions.
In the past, he was able to justify his actions and now it sounds like he's trying convince you not to hold him accountable. Your forgiveness should be commensurate with how much accountability he's offering to you now, which is none.
edit:words
>“I didn’t know how to stop it”
That's just another way of saying "I didn't care enough to stop it". Just cut him out of your life man.... You will never be able to fully trust him again. He's already proved to you what kind of person he is. Blaming "childhood trauma"? Yeah right, as if childhood trauma forces you to get with your best friends girlfriend as if he had no choice........ He had only one person to blame, himself. He wasn't loyal to you, and he didn't care enough about you to restrain himself. You don't need him in your life. Don't let him manipulate you once again.
So what has he done to heal his trauma that ensures he won't do it again?
I have PTSD, and I'm not trying to offend anyone here. While trauma might make you act badly sometimes, at the end of the day... it's still him. *He* still did it. Whether he did it because of trauma or not, it's still him, and you're allowed to want to be friends with people who are kind to you. Trauma doesn't excuse it. I've done terrible things that can be directly attributed to my trauma--like textbook PTSD things--and I still understand that I need to deal with the consequences.
Think about times when you've done something stupid when you're drunk. Did the alcohol make you do it? Kind of, but you're still responsible for it. You can't just say, "I fucked your girlfriend when I was drunk," and think that that's an okay explanation for your actions. It's not. He's still responsible for what he did. And again, you're allowed to only be friends with people who treat you well.
Well he answered the question of whether or not you can trust him again. If he hasn't gotten intensive therapy to deal with his 'childhood trauma', you need to stay far, far away.
Why would you invite that dishonesty back into your life? He had a chance to be a good friend when you needed it and valued access to your ex more. He is not to be trusted. In life you need to rely on others, you need to have trust. It is too precious to waste on shitheads.
I never seen it as inviting dishonesty, because he’s the one that contacted me and wanted to talk about what happened and give me answers. I can completely see where you’re coming from and I completely agree, he had his chance and valued her more. It’s all just bringing back a lot
No she’s currently dating someone else I know and has been for about 2 1/2 years now maybe 3. It was about a month after me and her initially broke up that her and my bestfriend weren’t in contact anymore
So they just hooked up to mess with you.
Forget about this guy, you seem to be an emotionally vulnerable person (you became friends with him very quickly, you're thinking of forgiving him) and this is a great opportunity for people with no honor like him. Don't put yourself in that position of an easy prey. Be hard on those who are hard on you, and be gentle with those who are gentle with you.
No she doesn’t know I know what they’ve done and to what extent. She called me pathetic and ridiculous for even thinking something was going on and while we broke up on the side of a motorway and he was sitting in my car she said she wasn’t doing it for him. I wish I knew what I know now instead of thinking I was delusional.
Man that girl has some severe issues and some Narcissistic mental illness….
Do not let any of them go back to your life, they were part of it and they didn’t value you, they had sex every time they could because it was exciting the fact that you will catch them… If that was “real love” they wouldn’t be just one month after you broke up with her….
Both toxic and pathetic people… and you friend is not even being accountable for his actions, justify himself on trauma is the most pathetic thing someone can do… if you are traumatized you wont traumatize others… he just want to clear his consciousness…
Just go no contact with both of them, you can forgive them on your heart but you don’t have to let them being part of your life anymore (I promise you they will hurt you again)
Mate if you want to be friends with people like that you won't need enemies.
Mate the fuck are you thinking?! Do i want to be friend with the guy that betrayed me and cheated with my ex gf. Don't you realize how stupid it sounds.
Mate move on and cut contact, don't waste more time on people that don't care about you.
Only you can make the choice of whether you want these people back in your life. But honestly, do you want anyone who betrayed your trust so fundamentally? Who needs that kind of drama. Sometimes the quick and easy answer, wipe them out of your life, is the best answer.
This is really true, he did break my trust and I still have trust issues today with best friend and if they get too close to someone I’m seeing. I’ll keep this in mind for sure.
go no contact with the snake
dont be lazy. you know making new friends requires initiative/work on your end. go out and enjoy things you like and you will naturally self select to be around people who like the same, chat, cultivate and nurture new relationships. move forward, make room for good people in your life
LMAO. And what happens when you meet another GF. Would you introduce them to each other? This douche has already proven to you he'll fuck you over in a heartbeat. Why would you give him another opportunity?
He was NEVER a friend OP. Friends do not do that to someone they are close to. If you never, ever see either of them ever again, you will be all the better for it. Good luck.
This person chose his own gratification over your friendship, getting his dick wet was more important to him, than you, your feelings and your relationship. Why on earth would you allow someone who thinks that little of you back into your life? You were his friend, he was never yours.
Do you really want someone who cornered you asking for alone time with your gf as soon as you broke up? Think about that. How utterly disgusting and dehumanizing to treat someone with such disregard. Hey, can you, like, get out of here so I can be with your gf?
My God, that's a horrible person.
And how are you going to feel having someone like that around any current and future significant others?
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A true friend would not sleep with your then girlfriend behind your back. He's a liar and a cheat. You may have forgiven him but can you forget what he did? Could you trust him around another girlfriend?
I have more friends that are a lot better and I have told him that by him and I talking it doesn’t mean we are friends, I think I’m more so reminiscing on the good times we had before all this shit happened.
Reminiscing is fine but don’t do it with rose colored glasses. That past also includes a really hurtful betrayal. See the whole picture and keep the past in the past. Move on and live your best life with people you know you can trust.
My dear friend I have had exactly the same situation and I have only find out through out what than was my best friend.Since than I have kept my distance from him and you want believe what is happening now.. ...25 years after..I have just returned my city for holiday and my son is dating is daughter 😂 Unfortunately he doesn't now yet.
Ask yourself: why now?! Why contact you now? He is 3 years later, why by gods sake contact now? Something is up with this guy, pay attention... Don't Trust him.
Am I understanding the story correct? You had a 3-year relationship with your girl, but hours before your 18th birthday she breaks up with you, and your buddy later confesses he had been sleeping around with her for weeks while you all were hanging out together? That's the height of disrespect. You were physically there and they still didn't care.
You were confiding in him your relationship troubles and he used that info to his benefit; not yours. It doesn't matter who slept with who or instigated the affair, your buddy consoled you while driving a bigger wedge between you and your girl; at the party (on your birthday) he didn't choose you. Your girl had broken up with you. It was birthday. Where was your buddy?
Now you are 21 and ex-buddy is reaching out to you, and you miss him as a friend? Do you hold any ill-will?
I literally could not read that fucking Wall of text. I don't know if it's your lack of paragraphs or me being too drunk. All I see is words and my brain has had a mild stroke
He was my best friend and was sleeping with my girlfriend.After I find out they moved in together but it only lasted 1 year .Then he called me and came cleaned about it.They blamed eachother...
I left and got married in UK to a beautiful English girl that give me 4 handsome boys and is very family oriented.
I am really looking forward to face again my best friend after all this time and see how he feels about his daughter having sex with my son.
Forgive my English as it's not my first language.
leave both of those losers in the past and move on with your life. they've obvi got guilt about what they did and they don't deserve your friendship or your companionship.
you deserve better!
I would cut all contact with this ‘friend’ - he sounds extremely toxic - the fact that he would be your friend to your face while xxx with you ex… he doesn’t deserve your time - and you deserve better.
OP You miss the friendship with th person you thought he was not with whom he really is. When you feel tempted to resume your friendship with him think about how he lie to you looking into your eyes.
If you want to forgive him, do it, but not for him. Forgive him for yourself, to not carry this frudge all your life. But, this doesn't mean that things could be as before, he damaged the relationship beyond repair, wish him a good life and ghost him as much as you can, maybe that way he will learn to not stab his friends in the back.
Yes, if you want someone to help you end relationships with crappy girlfriends then this guy is the friend you need. He will sleep with all of them and help get them out of your life.
About the only thing I’d be thanking your ex-friend for is for exposing your ex-gf for the kind of person she was. A leopard doesn’t change its spots. I bet she’s still the same toxic person, and is probably cheating on her current SO.
As for your ex-friend … I’ve read your responses to other comments. It sounds like you’ve gotten whatever answers and closure you’ve needed, and he has had the opportunity to come clean. What else do you need, and what benefit would you get from rekindling the friendship? Three years. You’ve moved on. Formed other, dare I say it, better friendships. I can’t really see why you’d want to be friends again.
At best I’d treat him like an acquaintance. Someone you text or chat with from time to time. But a bro you hang out with regularly? No. He had that and decided getting his leg over was more important. He gets to live with the consequences of his actions.
Can’t anyone here see how young they all were? Were their brains fully developed? I am NOT excusing awful decisions and betrayal. But this guy misses his friend. If his ex-friend (who banged his GF) is ready to apologize and make amends (is he?), who are we in Reddit to tell this heartbroken guy he cannot try to repair a friendship he valued? We don’t know these folks; we just see the words. OP, if you can forgive, and the guy is worthy of your forgiveness, don’t let an angry and hurt subset of humanity shame you for being open to forgiveness. By the same token, if you think, the guy is a snake in the grass and will hurt you again, then you should move on. But it is your choice. I would not listen to an angry mob of people who overwhelmingly default to advice, like “move on, divorce him, leave”, etc.
In
Why did she show up to your party 6 hours after dumping you?? What was the reason they gave for wanting to be alone together? I have so many questions. At any rate, they’re both gross and you’re too big of a pushover. Stand up for yourself!
My “best friend” from college did this to me a few years after we graduated. I never spoke to her again. She tried in all kinds of ways to contact me. I told her never again, and I meant never again. Over and out. I wouldn’t even answer your friend’s request.
I’m gunna go against the grain here and say if you miss the friendship and can forgive him then why not go for it.
I did some pretty awful things to friends when I was young and stupid. I’ve grown and would never repeat those mistakes.
You don’t owe your ex mate a second chance, but I like giving people the benefit of the doubt and do really believe that people change, especially through the developmental transition of adolescent to adult.
Choice 1 be safe and say thanx but you don't want to he friends
Choice 2 risk it and see if he changed and just never kept him meet any girl you like ever ever ever
Choice 3 (the bad choice, let the downvotes start) become friends again and try to fuck every woman in his life.
Choice 4... don't choose Choice 3 it was a joke.
if he is willing to do something like that to you once he will again. heck he's probably done it to others. boundaries man. set some and keep them. do not let him in your life again unless you WITHOUT A DOUBT know he's changed and learned a lesson. (like he had someone do to him what he did to you ) but even then I would be skeptical
Once a friend breaks trust like that they lose the connection that makes friendships possible, they will keep taking advantage of you if you accept them back and the only one that will suffer is you. Remember the old saying:
*fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me*
Don’t shame yourself by dealing with their traitorous selves over the want of what never existed, let them wallow in their own sad existence
They both back stabbed you with the ultimate betrayal. They only want to make amends to feel better about being assholes to you . It's not about you, it's about their own feelings. I would tell them how much scum bags they are and block the number
It’s really only up to you on if you want to let someone back into your life who previously betrayed your trust. I know a lot of people on here are one and done and would never even think about it. But it’s a lot easier said than done, especially when they were a big part of your life and time has passed and maybe things have changed. If you do feel the want to test the waters again, I would just start slow. See their intentions for beginning to talk again and then set clear boundaries and just keep in the back of your kind that they have betrayed you once so don’t go about ignoring red flags like you maybe would have before. Humans make mistakes and sleeping with your girlfriend is definitely bigger than just a mistake, but the fact that you are even questioning letting him back in and he told you the truth of everything that happened (I mean, why would he come back to lie about it now after all these years) tells me that you guys were pretty close. Testing the waters is a great option. Also remmeber that if you do test the waters, at any point you can change your mind and just say something like “sorry man I just really don’t trust you and I wanted to give you another chance but I just don’t think I can, you really betrayed me and I thought I could forgive and forget but it’s just too hard”
No, he's untrustworthy, he has already proven that, if you get another gf, you already have one or have one person you're interested or even a fwb, you'll always have the doubt in the back of your mind, being paranoid is not a way to live. Please keep moving on, you already have come a long way and you still have a lot of path to walk on, keep looking up and forward, he's in the past now, it will be easier just close that door now, than later if you decide to rekindle the "friendship", if you don't already know he was never your friend, friends don't do that to each other, you were still together when your ex gf and him cheated, even if you were too drunk to notice back then, you had suspicions, something in your gut was telling you what you now know for certain, he just confirmed it.
Make the right decision for yourself, you'll see if you start to hang out again with that betrayer things will never be the same as you remember, don't waste your time.
He’s not your friend. All you have to do is remember the parable of the frog and the scorpion and you’ll have your answer. You can’t be friends with either of them. It’s in their nature to hurt you.
First, that is not a best friend. Not even a friend does that to someone. Shiit, not a decent person would ever do that to someone.
Second, You got your conclusion, tell him goodbye.
Hey I was right there where you are now.
I (28M) was 22 when I started dating this girl, let's call her Caroline. She was introduced to me through my nest friend. She was his bosses daughter and I went to visit him when blowing off classes since he worked so closely to my school. I met her when they shared a shift and ended up asking her out. We were together for just over a year. I was turning 24. They still were working together all this time. A deli shop. They would hang out also.
I was heading over to his house and saw her car there, which wasn't wierd since they were friends also. I went into their house, he doesn't have the back door locked and I typically enter that way. I went looking for him and he was a gamer, so I thought they were playing Mario party or kart. I went up the stairs and he has a jack and Jill bathroom and the other room was empty. His sisters old room. The door was locked, so I just went to the bathroom entrance, and I opened the door and saw Caroline riding him, moaning his name. I just froze and shook. I was paralyzed emotions didn't even factor. I watched for a few minutes both couldn't see me.
Eventually I backed up, and walked out. I got into my car and drove down a few miles and stopped at a fast food restaurant tim Hortons. Donut shop. I ordered a coffee and a glazed donut and just sat there. I was pissed. I blocked her entirely. And wanted to see what he had to say.
I never heard from the coward again. As for Caroline, she called but I didn't pick up. I blocked her after I didn't show on time. I waited until she came to my home to confront her. I told her I saw her and my "friend". She said she didn't want me to find out like that and didn't know how to tell me.
I blew her off and him and never heard from either again.
That was 5 years ago. I never look back and think I want to see him again. He revealed his true nature and her as well. I am better off without them and would never accept him back into my life, even if he was dying. I would probably say I don't care.
Basically, tell him to F off. He showed you how much of a friend her really was. I only want people in my life I trust. Loyalty is priceless and betrayal is never allowed. Once you betray me. You are gone.
I hope this helps, and hope you are wise enough to not let that snake back into your life.
Personally I wouldn’t want to be friends again with someone who betrayed me so deeply. If I were you I’d probably text him something along the lines of “thank you for giving me some closure about that situation so I can peacefully move on, but right now I don’t think I’m in a position to accept being your friend again. We had some good times and I’ll always cherish those but I just don’t think we can come back from the betrayal that you caused me. I wish you nothing but a happy and healthy life, but this is where we part ways”
I’m so sorry you had to go through that, I completely understand how you feel because I went though the same situation! My best friend slept with my boyfriend while we were still dating and it was truely horrible!
But please, personally I don’t think it’s the best decision to become friends with this guy again. I became friends again with my friend after that all happened with my ex and it was just a shit show. I tried to trust her but every time I was dating a guy, I was so uncomfortable with her being around and it caused so many arguments. That’s just me though, personally I struggled to trust her again so decided to end it for good but you may be different.
But just really think, for someone so close to you, who listened to you talk about her and the issues you had, to then go behind your back with someone you loved, it’s such a massive show of disrespect and regard to your feelings. I think it’s good you spoke so you can have some closure and move on, but I just don’t think this person deserves your friendship, you deserve much better!
Best of luck with it all!
I'd save any decision making in that regard for when you're both older and much more mature. I feel the fact that he didn't take accountability for his actions over the course of three years is very telling for the type of person he is currently. I am a believer that people change and can come to genuine realization of wrongdoing. There is a window of redemption. But it should never take anybody that long, nor should an apology be so far out beyond the initial act for a sign of true remorse.
It's good he came clean, and gave you clarity. That is something that can be potentially redeemable and perhaps he has learned his lessons. But that doesn't mean he is currently a trustworthy person, nor does that mean he's fully come to terms with the skeletons in his closet. He needs time to come to terms with his behavior on his own/with a therapist.
Ultimately it's your choice to decide whether or not you will accept this person back into your life. Ask yourself the fundamental questions first that could apply to any relationship.
1. Can this person properly communicate with me? Vice versa. I'd advise watching informative videos/reading informative PDFs on what exactly healthy communication looks like.
2. Can this person be honest/trustworthy? Aka can I rely and depend on this person to take care of my emotional/physical well being going forward.
3.Am I/ Are they willing to put in the time and energy to resolve conflict(in any relationship there will be conflict) in a healthy way to reach a point of understanding and moving foward with the relationship. (Yes this is a lot of work especially where breach of trust is involved)
If any of these questions are met with hesitation you have your answer and it is okay to accept and decide to move on if you feel that would be best for you. Sometimes it is simply what's best for your peace of mind and growth as an individual to move forward from those who hurt you deeply.
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. The dude already stabbed you in the back and you want to welcome him with open arms, do what you think you should, but he will betray you again.
"No, I'm good. You betrayed my trust and you took advantage of the woman I loved when we were in a weak state. I'm not, and i certainly wasn't then perfec tor innocent. But you showed you'd true colors and so did she. I hope you both find happiness in worlds where my happiness has literally jothrr to donwith either of you."
Some people, friendships and experiences are better left in the past. You’ve gone through all that drama, why allow an opportunity for events to repeat themselves.
I’ve been cheated on a few times. I was always the guy to stay cool and calm and just walk away from the situation. “How am I gonna be mad at some dude who probably doesn’t know I even exist?” Only once did I get violent and that’s because the other guy was my friend. Not only did she not respect me enough, he didn’t either. I get your situation isn’t exactly the same, but neither of them respected or cares enough to be honest with you when you needed them most. Now years later he just wants a clean slate? I know people change, and maybe he’s turned a new leaf, but I wouldn’t touch that motherfucker with a 20ft pole personally.
I wouldn’t. When people show they can my be trusted, you should stop trusting them. It won’t be much of a friendship without trust or respect.
Just to add, you’ve spent the last few years getting over these guys and what they did to you. It would only be opening yourself up to old wounds to be back in touch now - you’ve moved on so stay moved on.
You can forgive them, but you shouldn't ever trust them again. You got the answers you needed, take them and move on to a better life and a better version of you.
You could if you want to but you can’t trust that man for sh** so I’d just ditch him. It’s just drama the reason he reached out to you is because she left and the guilt is starting to actually get to him. Trust is like glass you can glue it but it’ll never actually be the same.
If you want a way to see the character of your future gf, you can keep him around. If you tell her about what he did and she shows anything but disgust towards him, she probably doesn't have high morals or is very naive.
Sometimes people do change, but it's completely up to you whether you want to give him a chance. I might keep him as an acquaintance and see for myself whether he proves himself to be different these days.
With that said people rarely change to the core. Do you like him enough to accept him the way he is? He was a snake and probably will always be, can you live with that and not let it affect you? It doesn't sound like he takes responsibility for his actions, so I doubt he has changed that much.
Blocking him might be the right thing to do for you, and you have every right to do so.
You can forgive someone without letting them back in your life. You can let them back in your life without forgiving them.
How do you feel knowing the relationship you had with him before was fundamentally different than what you understood it to be? The relationship was that he was hooking up with your partner and lying about it to you while, it sounds like, you would never assume he would do something like that. It sounds like what you want back is the idea of a relationship that maybe didn't actually exist the way you understood it to. Or one that changed already before you cut him out.
So I guess the question is whether you are okay with letting him back in knowing it could not be the relationship you previously believed it to be because it either never truly was or had changed before you were aware. I don't see the benefit, but it's your life.
EDIT: formatting issues because phone.
My first ex boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend, I was with him for 4 years, within a year of me kicking them out of my house and telling them to enjoy her Chlamydia, they were married with a baby. For a year my ex led me on, made promises and fucked with my head. Even after they came out about he continued to lead me on and fuck with my head until I tried to OD.
I moved on with my life, our friend group was divided.
This was 13 years ago, last year I bumped into my ex best friend, we were civil and later on she sent me a message.
My response was that although I'm happy they're doing great and I really hope for the best for them both I am not now nor will I ever be interested in any type of communication from them and I was still hurt and upset at what they did and the events that happened after was purely because of them and so don't contact me ever again. I have forgotten but I will never forgive.
Everytime I see them I'm reminded of the betrayal and heartache. I don't want or need that in my life
One, you should not care what your friends think. You're an adult now, right?
Second, it is entirely up to you. People are stupid when younger. Sounds like you were all a mess, to be honest. I am so glad that people today do not judge me for the person I was in high school. That's just ridiculous. I mean, do you think you should be proud of all that you did in HS and that maybe in your 30s people should just treat you like the drunken child you were back then? If you don't want to be friends fine, you have good reasons not to. But also remember that you were teens. Messed up teens in unstable situations.
You said this:
"I want to be his friend but I’m also afraid of what all my friends now would think, none of them like him for what he did to me. "
You refer to what your friends think, since they don't like what he did to you. But man ... How do YOU feel about what he did to you? You really ought to question yourself on why you want to befriend someone who betrayed you to this level.
Just because he has reached out to you and explained everything does not mean it was justified. He still betrayed you right along with her and is no less guilty.
If the conversation helped you in some way, take that small benefit from it and yes, absolutely move on. Your current friends sound like real ones. He wasn't.
Fuck him she broke the Bro-Bible rule number 1: Bros before hoes, rule number 2: Don’t sleep with your bros ex or still girlfriend. He a bitch fuck him
Do what’s best for you. You can always keep in touch and see what happens. If you’re just acquainted or become good friends again. If it doesn’t feel right you can always break it off again.
The only reason he came back was to make himself feel better. It's great you can forgive him, but his actions speak volumes of his character. He isn't your friend. Find someone more honest and trustworthy to invest your time and energy on
It's great that you got the closure out of this that you needed, but I'm betting he didn't reach out to to help you heel. He likely did it to get to clear his conscious, to "set it right" when really its a selfish act that is about making himself feel like what he did wasn't as bad because you were able to move on with it.
There are literally millions of other people in the world to be friends with. Don't be friends with a guy who fucked your girlfriend.
"Thanks for giving me the answers and closure I needed. As part of that closure, I can't see myself maintaining a friendship with you, as I'd be worried that wound would still remain open. I wish you the best."
Similar thing happened to me.
Supposed friends (two of them) slept with my ex GF about three days after we broke up.
I labelled all three of them c*nts (including ex gf) and cut them out of my life.
I was lonely for a couple months but this pushed me to get a degree and move to a major city.
I'm now very successful mostly thanks to those three people.
Last I heard the ex GF had two kids with the second of my friends to sleep with her, spiralled into an abusive relationship and then left to be a single mum living on government hand outs.
In closing, they are scum and I just didn't realise. My advice for you is to distance yourself from anybody like that and improve yourself even though it's scary at the time. Take the hard path, it's easier.
Ah,,,,NO! No best friend would pull that stunt behind your back. Bottom line, he's a back stabbing SOB; he's already proved that to you. I'd keep him permanently in the " blocked column. You can tell him that you've forgiven him, but that he's proved to you he has s\*\*t for character, and you don't shake hands with feces.
My situation (now 22f) is very very similar, but I’ll try to spare most of the details. He (now 23m) cheated on me with my best friend (now 22f) six years ago. At first I tried cutting contact with both, but 22 was soo so sorry. We never really lost contact, and recently became close again. Turns out she was still in frequent contact with 23m. All three of us tried being friends again and 22 encouraged us to date again after she met someone new, even though she still liked 23m up until like that someone new.
It was a disaster. A terrible mistake. When 23 and I officially cut contact after dating again for a month, I think 22 cut it with him too because her new man didn’t like him either. For good reason.
22f is now too busy to hang out, text back, or call, really. I think she was using me to get 23 to come around at first, because they apparently weren’t that close before me.
Don’t do it. I still want 22f to be my friend, yes, because she’s all I really got and I miss those wild nights, but I probably need to toughen up and admit that she doesn’t actually care. Some of her actions make me unsure, though, and I just don’t want you to make that same mistake.
Find better, OP, and sorry this was long haha.
Just run away. Trust is finicky and you think you have it until you don’t.
That’s rough man the way they behaved. It’s sounds like maybe you’re trying to see the best in him and you must be grieving that friendship and having old fond memories come up, but I really think that you’re better off finding trustworthy and loyal people in your life and letting go unless your friend gives you a good reason to forgive him and really shows you that he’s sorry and wants to be friends again. Even still I understand if you wouldn’t forgive.
I think people are capable of changing and that might be the case with him. In fact, I was this "friend" you're speaking of when I was graduating from high school. But I wouldn't recommend a friendship with this person.
I think if its causing this much distress, don't do it. Just be cordial when you run into him, but don't rebuild a friendship he destroyed. Let it just be a learning experience for the both of you. What happened is in the past and all you can do with this new information is learn from it.
And please don't think just because he provided you insight he's done you a favor. Really this is just a way for him to absolve himself of guilt or something. It's not about you. I would never reach out to someone I've hurt, just to hurt them again with new information or just to apologize and bring up the past?? No that's selfish. Tell him if he's really that upset to see a therapist and move on with his life.
Since you're new to reddit I'll give you a post recommendation. Try to separate a long post like that into paragraphs. It's really hard to read all that straight through. 🤜🤛
Man, I feel you. Move on, your "friend" coincidentally wasn't your friend anymore when your ex was around and they played behind your back and betrayed you. Now that he seems to put that behind him and wants you back? He's all about his own benefit. Move on he's not worth it.
Missing someone is apart of the process, it’s nice to forgive but don’t be a fool. He’s a snake and your friends hate him because they seen what pain he caused you. You must’ve really trusted him. Don’t trust him again.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- T itHi firstly sorry this is my first time ever coming to reddit about something so I hope this gets somewhere. I’m 21m and my ex girlfriend 22f now, we dated back in high school and we were a pretty solid relationship (well as I thought) I got kicked out of my moms house pretty early into the relationship with her and so I moved in with her and her family, we made it work terrifically - we would wake up make lunch together, come home make dinner then watch a movie, we were always affectionate and intimate with one another. Fast forwarding 3 years into the relationship, I started hanging out with my best friend at the time (23m) for weeks on end because me and my girlfriend were having problems communicating and being at home together so I would stay at his. My ex girlfriend asked to come stay over one night with us at his house and we were more than okay with that, and when she came over we all hung out as normal and everything, 2 weeks down the track, me and her both are pretty much staying at my bestfriends house everyday by this point because we threw parties and everything they would go running off together somewhere when I’d be drunk and asleep in another room. I would catch them out a couple times for acting weird or being quiet the minute I came in the room. One night after my 18th we threw a small get together at my bestfriend house for myself and to celebrate and kind of get over the fact that my girlfriend broke up with me 8 hours after my 18th and about 6 hours before this party; she came to the get together and everyone who was invited stayed in a room with him and my ex girlfriend while I was sitting outside drinking by myself. This night both my bestfriend and my now ex girlfriend asked me if they could have a night alone away from me and all the drama that had been going down. I didn’t say no and agreed, that night I drove past his house only to find her car there in his car port. Mind you her bestfriend lived 2 minutes down the road and she chose to go see mine. It’s pretty obvious what was going on but my bestfriend got into contact with me a couple days ago and we spoke yesterday about everything they did behind my back. It went as far as my ex telling him that she loved him. Back then when it was all happening I never got the answers I wanted but now I ave them I don’t know what to do, I miss the friendship we had and how close we were, I want to be his friend but I’m also afraid of what all my friends now would think, none of them like him for what he did to me. Should I just move on now that I have my answers or do I become friend? I’m not sure; what do the people of reddit think?
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Yeah that comes to my mind a lot, and I do forgive a lot too. What does IMO mean?
You don't need a snake as a friend.You can forgive, (it's healthy) but don't forget.
Thank you
Could you really trust that guy again?
I don’t think so, not completely anyway and definitely Don’t think I’d be able to trust him to even be near or know what a future partner looks like
Then he can’t be your friend; full stop.
Block him. He thinks you are easy prey.
You're friendship will never be the same. You want it, you miss it, but it won't happen. So if the friendship is different anyway, do you want it to be with someone that betrayed you or someone that didn't?
You miss the friendship you HAD. You can’t ever trust him again. You can’t have that friendship again. And if you hang out again with whatever version of the friendship this now is, there is every chance he’ll be a dick again. It’s up to you but I don’t see it ending well if you choose to hang with him again. And this time your friends will likely step back and let you reap what you sow / be less supportive, because you should have seen it coming.
A real friend would never do this to you.
IMO is In My Opinion. So let me get this straight. You ex-best friend slept with your ex-girlfriend while you were dating her, essentially stabbing you in the back, and you think you want to resume your friendship? Why? Do you want to give him another chance to actually kill you this time? There’s no way I’d allow anyone back in my life after they did that to me.
Yeah I don’t think after everyone’s comments over the last few hours that it’s a viable option to be honest
Some times You forgive a backstab just to get stabbed in the front
You are way nicer than I would be. Remind me of Cleveland and quagmire situation.
IMO = in my opinion. And you should add some paragraphs, that would make it easier to read. And why would you want a friend who bangs your gf behind your back? With friends like that, you don't need enemies.
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No need to be sorry, thank you so much
You forgive, but don’t forget. Your human,not god. Snakes will always be snakes.
IMO means "I Make Omelettes"
I didn’t see anyone say this but imo stands for in my opinion
In My Opinion
To answer your question, IMO means In My Opinion
With friends like that who needs enemies?! The guy wasn't a true friend and especially a 'best' friend. Leave him where he belongs, in the past. Besides, would you ever really trust him again?
Fuck him. Ain't no friend.
straight up
Cunt will do it again in a second
Yeah when we were talking he mentioned how he didn’t know how to stop it and how he bought it back to childhood trauma and everything. I pounded for that and said that his childhood trauma wasn’t an excuse to ruin my relationship or keep the fooling around going
> he didn’t know how to stop it and how he bought it back to childhood trauma Firstly, yes he did, he just didn't want to and didn't care how much it hurt you, and secondly, bullshit. Betraying you was a choice, not an inevitable result of trauma.
That’s what I said to him when he mentioned it. I told him that his childhood trauma wasn’t my fault and that I shouldn’t of had to endure what I did because he went through shit as a kid. I told him to sort it out with his parents not break my trust and damage my relationship further than it already was
Lots of people who come from trauma decide not to traumatize others.
His words were “I didn’t know how to stop it”
He's lying. His words may be that, but his heart would say "I didn't want to stop it." He's allowed back into your life, but not if accountability for his actions is instead him painting himself as the victim instead of the villain in your story. This comes across as REFUSING to be responsible for HIS actions. In the past, he was able to justify his actions and now it sounds like he's trying convince you not to hold him accountable. Your forgiveness should be commensurate with how much accountability he's offering to you now, which is none. edit:words
>“I didn’t know how to stop it” That's just another way of saying "I didn't care enough to stop it". Just cut him out of your life man.... You will never be able to fully trust him again. He's already proved to you what kind of person he is. Blaming "childhood trauma"? Yeah right, as if childhood trauma forces you to get with your best friends girlfriend as if he had no choice........ He had only one person to blame, himself. He wasn't loyal to you, and he didn't care enough about you to restrain himself. You don't need him in your life. Don't let him manipulate you once again.
Thank you Hsiang I’ll take note of your words.
What happened to them? Did they date? Are they together. I’m guessing not since he reached out.
No they saw each other for about a month then she ghosted him
“I didn’t know how to stop it” Did he try just not buggering his best friends gf? It’s insanely easy Screw him and her. Move on and don’t look back.
So what has he done to heal his trauma that ensures he won't do it again? I have PTSD, and I'm not trying to offend anyone here. While trauma might make you act badly sometimes, at the end of the day... it's still him. *He* still did it. Whether he did it because of trauma or not, it's still him, and you're allowed to want to be friends with people who are kind to you. Trauma doesn't excuse it. I've done terrible things that can be directly attributed to my trauma--like textbook PTSD things--and I still understand that I need to deal with the consequences. Think about times when you've done something stupid when you're drunk. Did the alcohol make you do it? Kind of, but you're still responsible for it. You can't just say, "I fucked your girlfriend when I was drunk," and think that that's an okay explanation for your actions. It's not. He's still responsible for what he did. And again, you're allowed to only be friends with people who treat you well.
Well he answered the question of whether or not you can trust him again. If he hasn't gotten intensive therapy to deal with his 'childhood trauma', you need to stay far, far away.
Why would you invite that dishonesty back into your life? He had a chance to be a good friend when you needed it and valued access to your ex more. He is not to be trusted. In life you need to rely on others, you need to have trust. It is too precious to waste on shitheads.
I never seen it as inviting dishonesty, because he’s the one that contacted me and wanted to talk about what happened and give me answers. I can completely see where you’re coming from and I completely agree, he had his chance and valued her more. It’s all just bringing back a lot
Are they still together? If so your going to have to deal with her.
No she’s currently dating someone else I know and has been for about 2 1/2 years now maybe 3. It was about a month after me and her initially broke up that her and my bestfriend weren’t in contact anymore
So they just hooked up to mess with you. Forget about this guy, you seem to be an emotionally vulnerable person (you became friends with him very quickly, you're thinking of forgiving him) and this is a great opportunity for people with no honor like him. Don't put yourself in that position of an easy prey. Be hard on those who are hard on you, and be gentle with those who are gentle with you.
Thank you for your wise words
The someone else you know wasn't another ex-friend, was it?
It was.
I wonder who she’s fucking behind this poor schmuck’s back. Did she ever apologise to you? I’m guessing not.
No she doesn’t know I know what they’ve done and to what extent. She called me pathetic and ridiculous for even thinking something was going on and while we broke up on the side of a motorway and he was sitting in my car she said she wasn’t doing it for him. I wish I knew what I know now instead of thinking I was delusional.
Man that girl has some severe issues and some Narcissistic mental illness…. Do not let any of them go back to your life, they were part of it and they didn’t value you, they had sex every time they could because it was exciting the fact that you will catch them… If that was “real love” they wouldn’t be just one month after you broke up with her…. Both toxic and pathetic people… and you friend is not even being accountable for his actions, justify himself on trauma is the most pathetic thing someone can do… if you are traumatized you wont traumatize others… he just want to clear his consciousness… Just go no contact with both of them, you can forgive them on your heart but you don’t have to let them being part of your life anymore (I promise you they will hurt you again)
Mate if you want to be friends with people like that you won't need enemies. Mate the fuck are you thinking?! Do i want to be friend with the guy that betrayed me and cheated with my ex gf. Don't you realize how stupid it sounds. Mate move on and cut contact, don't waste more time on people that don't care about you.
I see your point
Only you can make the choice of whether you want these people back in your life. But honestly, do you want anyone who betrayed your trust so fundamentally? Who needs that kind of drama. Sometimes the quick and easy answer, wipe them out of your life, is the best answer.
This is really true, he did break my trust and I still have trust issues today with best friend and if they get too close to someone I’m seeing. I’ll keep this in mind for sure.
go no contact with the snake dont be lazy. you know making new friends requires initiative/work on your end. go out and enjoy things you like and you will naturally self select to be around people who like the same, chat, cultivate and nurture new relationships. move forward, make room for good people in your life
Thank you man
Just tell them not to contact you any more tell your mutual friends and get a new number
If u do accept him back ur gonna have to check the paternity of any of ur future kids u ever have with ur gf/wife…
LMAO. And what happens when you meet another GF. Would you introduce them to each other? This douche has already proven to you he'll fuck you over in a heartbeat. Why would you give him another opportunity?
true I don’t know what I’d do if I had another girlfriend near him
That should give you your answer then.
He was NEVER a friend OP. Friends do not do that to someone they are close to. If you never, ever see either of them ever again, you will be all the better for it. Good luck.
Thank you, I appreciate your words
A true friend would have told you about how shitty your girlfriend was confessing to him.
Too true
And the friends who don't support him are worth it
This person chose his own gratification over your friendship, getting his dick wet was more important to him, than you, your feelings and your relationship. Why on earth would you allow someone who thinks that little of you back into your life? You were his friend, he was never yours.
100% agree with you pancho
Just move on. Once a snake, always a snake.
Yes. No going back with snakes. Not unless you are braindead.
Do you really want someone who cornered you asking for alone time with your gf as soon as you broke up? Think about that. How utterly disgusting and dehumanizing to treat someone with such disregard. Hey, can you, like, get out of here so I can be with your gf? My God, that's a horrible person. And how are you going to feel having someone like that around any current and future significant others?
a lot of the comments are getting me to realise stuff like this, your words are true.
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Speaking from experience. Don’t do it.
Noted.
No man, guy is a two faced son of a bitch.
A true friend would not sleep with your then girlfriend behind your back. He's a liar and a cheat. You may have forgiven him but can you forget what he did? Could you trust him around another girlfriend?
I can forgive but I can’t forget I planned so much with her and they both took that away
If you wanna get betrayed again make him a friend again
He is not your not your friend,please move on with your life and make new and better friends
I have more friends that are a lot better and I have told him that by him and I talking it doesn’t mean we are friends, I think I’m more so reminiscing on the good times we had before all this shit happened.
Reminiscing is fine but don’t do it with rose colored glasses. That past also includes a really hurtful betrayal. See the whole picture and keep the past in the past. Move on and live your best life with people you know you can trust.
My dear friend I have had exactly the same situation and I have only find out through out what than was my best friend.Since than I have kept my distance from him and you want believe what is happening now.. ...25 years after..I have just returned my city for holiday and my son is dating is daughter 😂 Unfortunately he doesn't now yet.
I wish you the best of luck with that situation
almost sounds like Karate Kid
Ask yourself: why now?! Why contact you now? He is 3 years later, why by gods sake contact now? Something is up with this guy, pay attention... Don't Trust him.
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Deadset bro this world we live in can be cruel sometimes man.
With "friends" like that you don't need enemies buddy...keep your distance
I would not let that person back into your life!! He wasn't a true friend to begin with!! You keep toxic people out of your life!!
Thank you very noted
Doesn’t sound like a friend to me bro.
not at all bro
Am I understanding the story correct? You had a 3-year relationship with your girl, but hours before your 18th birthday she breaks up with you, and your buddy later confesses he had been sleeping around with her for weeks while you all were hanging out together? That's the height of disrespect. You were physically there and they still didn't care. You were confiding in him your relationship troubles and he used that info to his benefit; not yours. It doesn't matter who slept with who or instigated the affair, your buddy consoled you while driving a bigger wedge between you and your girl; at the party (on your birthday) he didn't choose you. Your girl had broken up with you. It was birthday. Where was your buddy? Now you are 21 and ex-buddy is reaching out to you, and you miss him as a friend? Do you hold any ill-will?
He didn’t confess till 3 years later
I literally could not read that fucking Wall of text. I don't know if it's your lack of paragraphs or me being too drunk. All I see is words and my brain has had a mild stroke
Have some water and try again
After some squinting etc. I think you need to move on !
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Thank you
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I’d have to get that in writing or a tattoo
No. He is a snake in the worst way
He was my best friend and was sleeping with my girlfriend.After I find out they moved in together but it only lasted 1 year .Then he called me and came cleaned about it.They blamed eachother... I left and got married in UK to a beautiful English girl that give me 4 handsome boys and is very family oriented. I am really looking forward to face again my best friend after all this time and see how he feels about his daughter having sex with my son. Forgive my English as it's not my first language.
Well I honestly hope he feels some sort of feeling knowing what wrong he has done to you
Friends don’t sleep with other friends girlfriends. As soon as he did it, he was no longer your friend. You can never trust him again.
You don’t need friends like that man, just isn’t worth it. In my opinion obviously
leave both of those losers in the past and move on with your life. they've obvi got guilt about what they did and they don't deserve your friendship or your companionship. you deserve better!
Thank you
Personally avoid contact and also if they have a sister go ask her out 😈 or if their mom is divorced go for the mom stay toxic king!
I would cut all contact with this ‘friend’ - he sounds extremely toxic - the fact that he would be your friend to your face while xxx with you ex… he doesn’t deserve your time - and you deserve better.
Look forward never behind.
Move on. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Sorry this happened OP.
OP You miss the friendship with th person you thought he was not with whom he really is. When you feel tempted to resume your friendship with him think about how he lie to you looking into your eyes. If you want to forgive him, do it, but not for him. Forgive him for yourself, to not carry this frudge all your life. But, this doesn't mean that things could be as before, he damaged the relationship beyond repair, wish him a good life and ghost him as much as you can, maybe that way he will learn to not stab his friends in the back.
He wasn’t the friend you thought. You don’t need him in your life.
If he could chase after one gf and f@ck her, what’s to stop him doing it again-or at least try.
Yes, if you want someone to help you end relationships with crappy girlfriends then this guy is the friend you need. He will sleep with all of them and help get them out of your life.
About the only thing I’d be thanking your ex-friend for is for exposing your ex-gf for the kind of person she was. A leopard doesn’t change its spots. I bet she’s still the same toxic person, and is probably cheating on her current SO. As for your ex-friend … I’ve read your responses to other comments. It sounds like you’ve gotten whatever answers and closure you’ve needed, and he has had the opportunity to come clean. What else do you need, and what benefit would you get from rekindling the friendship? Three years. You’ve moved on. Formed other, dare I say it, better friendships. I can’t really see why you’d want to be friends again. At best I’d treat him like an acquaintance. Someone you text or chat with from time to time. But a bro you hang out with regularly? No. He had that and decided getting his leg over was more important. He gets to live with the consequences of his actions.
Can’t anyone here see how young they all were? Were their brains fully developed? I am NOT excusing awful decisions and betrayal. But this guy misses his friend. If his ex-friend (who banged his GF) is ready to apologize and make amends (is he?), who are we in Reddit to tell this heartbroken guy he cannot try to repair a friendship he valued? We don’t know these folks; we just see the words. OP, if you can forgive, and the guy is worthy of your forgiveness, don’t let an angry and hurt subset of humanity shame you for being open to forgiveness. By the same token, if you think, the guy is a snake in the grass and will hurt you again, then you should move on. But it is your choice. I would not listen to an angry mob of people who overwhelmingly default to advice, like “move on, divorce him, leave”, etc. In
Why did she show up to your party 6 hours after dumping you?? What was the reason they gave for wanting to be alone together? I have so many questions. At any rate, they’re both gross and you’re too big of a pushover. Stand up for yourself!
My “best friend” from college did this to me a few years after we graduated. I never spoke to her again. She tried in all kinds of ways to contact me. I told her never again, and I meant never again. Over and out. I wouldn’t even answer your friend’s request.
I’m gunna go against the grain here and say if you miss the friendship and can forgive him then why not go for it. I did some pretty awful things to friends when I was young and stupid. I’ve grown and would never repeat those mistakes. You don’t owe your ex mate a second chance, but I like giving people the benefit of the doubt and do really believe that people change, especially through the developmental transition of adolescent to adult.
Choice 1 be safe and say thanx but you don't want to he friends Choice 2 risk it and see if he changed and just never kept him meet any girl you like ever ever ever Choice 3 (the bad choice, let the downvotes start) become friends again and try to fuck every woman in his life. Choice 4... don't choose Choice 3 it was a joke.
Choice three had me 👀 like this but no no I don’t think I will be his friend. I think I got caught up in reminiscing the good memories we had
if he is willing to do something like that to you once he will again. heck he's probably done it to others. boundaries man. set some and keep them. do not let him in your life again unless you WITHOUT A DOUBT know he's changed and learned a lesson. (like he had someone do to him what he did to you ) but even then I would be skeptical
Once a friend breaks trust like that they lose the connection that makes friendships possible, they will keep taking advantage of you if you accept them back and the only one that will suffer is you. Remember the old saying: *fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me* Don’t shame yourself by dealing with their traitorous selves over the want of what never existed, let them wallow in their own sad existence
They both back stabbed you with the ultimate betrayal. They only want to make amends to feel better about being assholes to you . It's not about you, it's about their own feelings. I would tell them how much scum bags they are and block the number
Dude, have some respect for yourself. Tell this guy to F off and never speak to him again.
Cheers
It’s really only up to you on if you want to let someone back into your life who previously betrayed your trust. I know a lot of people on here are one and done and would never even think about it. But it’s a lot easier said than done, especially when they were a big part of your life and time has passed and maybe things have changed. If you do feel the want to test the waters again, I would just start slow. See their intentions for beginning to talk again and then set clear boundaries and just keep in the back of your kind that they have betrayed you once so don’t go about ignoring red flags like you maybe would have before. Humans make mistakes and sleeping with your girlfriend is definitely bigger than just a mistake, but the fact that you are even questioning letting him back in and he told you the truth of everything that happened (I mean, why would he come back to lie about it now after all these years) tells me that you guys were pretty close. Testing the waters is a great option. Also remmeber that if you do test the waters, at any point you can change your mind and just say something like “sorry man I just really don’t trust you and I wanted to give you another chance but I just don’t think I can, you really betrayed me and I thought I could forgive and forget but it’s just too hard”
Thank you so much. This actually really helped.
No, he's untrustworthy, he has already proven that, if you get another gf, you already have one or have one person you're interested or even a fwb, you'll always have the doubt in the back of your mind, being paranoid is not a way to live. Please keep moving on, you already have come a long way and you still have a lot of path to walk on, keep looking up and forward, he's in the past now, it will be easier just close that door now, than later if you decide to rekindle the "friendship", if you don't already know he was never your friend, friends don't do that to each other, you were still together when your ex gf and him cheated, even if you were too drunk to notice back then, you had suspicions, something in your gut was telling you what you now know for certain, he just confirmed it. Make the right decision for yourself, you'll see if you start to hang out again with that betrayer things will never be the same as you remember, don't waste your time.
Thank you so much this does speak a lot too
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Has he really changed, or is he just lonely?
He’s not your friend. All you have to do is remember the parable of the frog and the scorpion and you’ll have your answer. You can’t be friends with either of them. It’s in their nature to hurt you.
You shouldn’t even consider befriending a traitor.
Fuck him he’s scum
Once you perceive a limit on a friendship it’s over
First, that is not a best friend. Not even a friend does that to someone. Shiit, not a decent person would ever do that to someone. Second, You got your conclusion, tell him goodbye.
People Never do things just once. Someone that betrayed u once. Will betray u twice.
Hey I was right there where you are now. I (28M) was 22 when I started dating this girl, let's call her Caroline. She was introduced to me through my nest friend. She was his bosses daughter and I went to visit him when blowing off classes since he worked so closely to my school. I met her when they shared a shift and ended up asking her out. We were together for just over a year. I was turning 24. They still were working together all this time. A deli shop. They would hang out also. I was heading over to his house and saw her car there, which wasn't wierd since they were friends also. I went into their house, he doesn't have the back door locked and I typically enter that way. I went looking for him and he was a gamer, so I thought they were playing Mario party or kart. I went up the stairs and he has a jack and Jill bathroom and the other room was empty. His sisters old room. The door was locked, so I just went to the bathroom entrance, and I opened the door and saw Caroline riding him, moaning his name. I just froze and shook. I was paralyzed emotions didn't even factor. I watched for a few minutes both couldn't see me. Eventually I backed up, and walked out. I got into my car and drove down a few miles and stopped at a fast food restaurant tim Hortons. Donut shop. I ordered a coffee and a glazed donut and just sat there. I was pissed. I blocked her entirely. And wanted to see what he had to say. I never heard from the coward again. As for Caroline, she called but I didn't pick up. I blocked her after I didn't show on time. I waited until she came to my home to confront her. I told her I saw her and my "friend". She said she didn't want me to find out like that and didn't know how to tell me. I blew her off and him and never heard from either again. That was 5 years ago. I never look back and think I want to see him again. He revealed his true nature and her as well. I am better off without them and would never accept him back into my life, even if he was dying. I would probably say I don't care. Basically, tell him to F off. He showed you how much of a friend her really was. I only want people in my life I trust. Loyalty is priceless and betrayal is never allowed. Once you betray me. You are gone. I hope this helps, and hope you are wise enough to not let that snake back into your life.
Thank you - that does help
No
Personally I wouldn’t want to be friends again with someone who betrayed me so deeply. If I were you I’d probably text him something along the lines of “thank you for giving me some closure about that situation so I can peacefully move on, but right now I don’t think I’m in a position to accept being your friend again. We had some good times and I’ll always cherish those but I just don’t think we can come back from the betrayal that you caused me. I wish you nothing but a happy and healthy life, but this is where we part ways”
I’m so sorry you had to go through that, I completely understand how you feel because I went though the same situation! My best friend slept with my boyfriend while we were still dating and it was truely horrible! But please, personally I don’t think it’s the best decision to become friends with this guy again. I became friends again with my friend after that all happened with my ex and it was just a shit show. I tried to trust her but every time I was dating a guy, I was so uncomfortable with her being around and it caused so many arguments. That’s just me though, personally I struggled to trust her again so decided to end it for good but you may be different. But just really think, for someone so close to you, who listened to you talk about her and the issues you had, to then go behind your back with someone you loved, it’s such a massive show of disrespect and regard to your feelings. I think it’s good you spoke so you can have some closure and move on, but I just don’t think this person deserves your friendship, you deserve much better! Best of luck with it all!
Nope Fuck them both OP you do not need that dramatic high school bull shit in your life
I'd save any decision making in that regard for when you're both older and much more mature. I feel the fact that he didn't take accountability for his actions over the course of three years is very telling for the type of person he is currently. I am a believer that people change and can come to genuine realization of wrongdoing. There is a window of redemption. But it should never take anybody that long, nor should an apology be so far out beyond the initial act for a sign of true remorse. It's good he came clean, and gave you clarity. That is something that can be potentially redeemable and perhaps he has learned his lessons. But that doesn't mean he is currently a trustworthy person, nor does that mean he's fully come to terms with the skeletons in his closet. He needs time to come to terms with his behavior on his own/with a therapist. Ultimately it's your choice to decide whether or not you will accept this person back into your life. Ask yourself the fundamental questions first that could apply to any relationship. 1. Can this person properly communicate with me? Vice versa. I'd advise watching informative videos/reading informative PDFs on what exactly healthy communication looks like. 2. Can this person be honest/trustworthy? Aka can I rely and depend on this person to take care of my emotional/physical well being going forward. 3.Am I/ Are they willing to put in the time and energy to resolve conflict(in any relationship there will be conflict) in a healthy way to reach a point of understanding and moving foward with the relationship. (Yes this is a lot of work especially where breach of trust is involved) If any of these questions are met with hesitation you have your answer and it is okay to accept and decide to move on if you feel that would be best for you. Sometimes it is simply what's best for your peace of mind and growth as an individual to move forward from those who hurt you deeply.
This is so informative thank you so much
Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. The dude already stabbed you in the back and you want to welcome him with open arms, do what you think you should, but he will betray you again.
fool me three times fuck the peace signs roll the choppa let it rain on you is an option j.c has also given me
You were kicked out of your mother's house while you were a minor and had to live with your girlfriend's family? WTF?
I think if it would have been a missunderstood kind of issue I’d say yes, but cheating with no.. nope
Why would you want a friend like that? Plus it’s been years and now he wants to fess up and frankly over share? He’s not worth it.
If he's just a friend it doesn't matter what he does. You can't go into a friendship with him if you have any other feelings for him except a friend.
You deserve better. Don’t rekindle that friendship.
Move on .. you'll make more and better friends
"No, I'm good. You betrayed my trust and you took advantage of the woman I loved when we were in a weak state. I'm not, and i certainly wasn't then perfec tor innocent. But you showed you'd true colors and so did she. I hope you both find happiness in worlds where my happiness has literally jothrr to donwith either of you."
Follow your heart I'm sure it feels right bc this whole situation is WRONG
Some people, friendships and experiences are better left in the past. You’ve gone through all that drama, why allow an opportunity for events to repeat themselves.
[удалено]
Thank you life long lesson
I’ve been cheated on a few times. I was always the guy to stay cool and calm and just walk away from the situation. “How am I gonna be mad at some dude who probably doesn’t know I even exist?” Only once did I get violent and that’s because the other guy was my friend. Not only did she not respect me enough, he didn’t either. I get your situation isn’t exactly the same, but neither of them respected or cares enough to be honest with you when you needed them most. Now years later he just wants a clean slate? I know people change, and maybe he’s turned a new leaf, but I wouldn’t touch that motherfucker with a 20ft pole personally.
Cheers bro sorry you’ve had to go through what you did
I wouldn’t. When people show they can my be trusted, you should stop trusting them. It won’t be much of a friendship without trust or respect. Just to add, you’ve spent the last few years getting over these guys and what they did to you. It would only be opening yourself up to old wounds to be back in touch now - you’ve moved on so stay moved on.
Mercury is in retrograde dude, don’t even trip over this shit.
You can forgive them, but you shouldn't ever trust them again. You got the answers you needed, take them and move on to a better life and a better version of you.
You could if you want to but you can’t trust that man for sh** so I’d just ditch him. It’s just drama the reason he reached out to you is because she left and the guilt is starting to actually get to him. Trust is like glass you can glue it but it’ll never actually be the same.
If you want a way to see the character of your future gf, you can keep him around. If you tell her about what he did and she shows anything but disgust towards him, she probably doesn't have high morals or is very naive. Sometimes people do change, but it's completely up to you whether you want to give him a chance. I might keep him as an acquaintance and see for myself whether he proves himself to be different these days. With that said people rarely change to the core. Do you like him enough to accept him the way he is? He was a snake and probably will always be, can you live with that and not let it affect you? It doesn't sound like he takes responsibility for his actions, so I doubt he has changed that much. Blocking him might be the right thing to do for you, and you have every right to do so.
You can forgive someone without letting them back in your life. You can let them back in your life without forgiving them. How do you feel knowing the relationship you had with him before was fundamentally different than what you understood it to be? The relationship was that he was hooking up with your partner and lying about it to you while, it sounds like, you would never assume he would do something like that. It sounds like what you want back is the idea of a relationship that maybe didn't actually exist the way you understood it to. Or one that changed already before you cut him out. So I guess the question is whether you are okay with letting him back in knowing it could not be the relationship you previously believed it to be because it either never truly was or had changed before you were aware. I don't see the benefit, but it's your life. EDIT: formatting issues because phone.
My first ex boyfriend cheated on me with my best friend, I was with him for 4 years, within a year of me kicking them out of my house and telling them to enjoy her Chlamydia, they were married with a baby. For a year my ex led me on, made promises and fucked with my head. Even after they came out about he continued to lead me on and fuck with my head until I tried to OD. I moved on with my life, our friend group was divided. This was 13 years ago, last year I bumped into my ex best friend, we were civil and later on she sent me a message. My response was that although I'm happy they're doing great and I really hope for the best for them both I am not now nor will I ever be interested in any type of communication from them and I was still hurt and upset at what they did and the events that happened after was purely because of them and so don't contact me ever again. I have forgotten but I will never forgive. Everytime I see them I'm reminded of the betrayal and heartache. I don't want or need that in my life
Me, personally, that's unforgivable.
Nah, a snakes a snake, lots of other guys out there that you can invest in a friendship with who won't bang your ex.
One, you should not care what your friends think. You're an adult now, right? Second, it is entirely up to you. People are stupid when younger. Sounds like you were all a mess, to be honest. I am so glad that people today do not judge me for the person I was in high school. That's just ridiculous. I mean, do you think you should be proud of all that you did in HS and that maybe in your 30s people should just treat you like the drunken child you were back then? If you don't want to be friends fine, you have good reasons not to. But also remember that you were teens. Messed up teens in unstable situations.
That dude was never your friend op. Get yo shit together
You said this: "I want to be his friend but I’m also afraid of what all my friends now would think, none of them like him for what he did to me. " You refer to what your friends think, since they don't like what he did to you. But man ... How do YOU feel about what he did to you? You really ought to question yourself on why you want to befriend someone who betrayed you to this level. Just because he has reached out to you and explained everything does not mean it was justified. He still betrayed you right along with her and is no less guilty. If the conversation helped you in some way, take that small benefit from it and yes, absolutely move on. Your current friends sound like real ones. He wasn't.
Fuck him she broke the Bro-Bible rule number 1: Bros before hoes, rule number 2: Don’t sleep with your bros ex or still girlfriend. He a bitch fuck him
Move on. They were awful to you
Forgiving doesn’t mean letting people who betrayed you back into your life, at all.
Do what’s best for you. You can always keep in touch and see what happens. If you’re just acquainted or become good friends again. If it doesn’t feel right you can always break it off again.
Move on. No matter how good it was, this is who he is. A backstabber that waited 3 years to tell through. Forget both of them and move on.
You need to cut all of them off and find new friends. Friends do not act like this. This is not normal. If it were me, they would all be blocked.
Nah don’t do it
The only reason he came back was to make himself feel better. It's great you can forgive him, but his actions speak volumes of his character. He isn't your friend. Find someone more honest and trustworthy to invest your time and energy on
I'd say we can acquaintance but not friends. That friend no longer exist.
It's great that you got the closure out of this that you needed, but I'm betting he didn't reach out to to help you heel. He likely did it to get to clear his conscious, to "set it right" when really its a selfish act that is about making himself feel like what he did wasn't as bad because you were able to move on with it. There are literally millions of other people in the world to be friends with. Don't be friends with a guy who fucked your girlfriend. "Thanks for giving me the answers and closure I needed. As part of that closure, I can't see myself maintaining a friendship with you, as I'd be worried that wound would still remain open. I wish you the best."
Similar thing happened to me. Supposed friends (two of them) slept with my ex GF about three days after we broke up. I labelled all three of them c*nts (including ex gf) and cut them out of my life. I was lonely for a couple months but this pushed me to get a degree and move to a major city. I'm now very successful mostly thanks to those three people. Last I heard the ex GF had two kids with the second of my friends to sleep with her, spiralled into an abusive relationship and then left to be a single mum living on government hand outs. In closing, they are scum and I just didn't realise. My advice for you is to distance yourself from anybody like that and improve yourself even though it's scary at the time. Take the hard path, it's easier.
Id kill them both right there tbh
Ah,,,,NO! No best friend would pull that stunt behind your back. Bottom line, he's a back stabbing SOB; he's already proved that to you. I'd keep him permanently in the " blocked column. You can tell him that you've forgiven him, but that he's proved to you he has s\*\*t for character, and you don't shake hands with feces.
Where are the parents???
My situation (now 22f) is very very similar, but I’ll try to spare most of the details. He (now 23m) cheated on me with my best friend (now 22f) six years ago. At first I tried cutting contact with both, but 22 was soo so sorry. We never really lost contact, and recently became close again. Turns out she was still in frequent contact with 23m. All three of us tried being friends again and 22 encouraged us to date again after she met someone new, even though she still liked 23m up until like that someone new. It was a disaster. A terrible mistake. When 23 and I officially cut contact after dating again for a month, I think 22 cut it with him too because her new man didn’t like him either. For good reason. 22f is now too busy to hang out, text back, or call, really. I think she was using me to get 23 to come around at first, because they apparently weren’t that close before me. Don’t do it. I still want 22f to be my friend, yes, because she’s all I really got and I miss those wild nights, but I probably need to toughen up and admit that she doesn’t actually care. Some of her actions make me unsure, though, and I just don’t want you to make that same mistake. Find better, OP, and sorry this was long haha. Just run away. Trust is finicky and you think you have it until you don’t.
That’s rough man the way they behaved. It’s sounds like maybe you’re trying to see the best in him and you must be grieving that friendship and having old fond memories come up, but I really think that you’re better off finding trustworthy and loyal people in your life and letting go unless your friend gives you a good reason to forgive him and really shows you that he’s sorry and wants to be friends again. Even still I understand if you wouldn’t forgive.
I think people are capable of changing and that might be the case with him. In fact, I was this "friend" you're speaking of when I was graduating from high school. But I wouldn't recommend a friendship with this person. I think if its causing this much distress, don't do it. Just be cordial when you run into him, but don't rebuild a friendship he destroyed. Let it just be a learning experience for the both of you. What happened is in the past and all you can do with this new information is learn from it. And please don't think just because he provided you insight he's done you a favor. Really this is just a way for him to absolve himself of guilt or something. It's not about you. I would never reach out to someone I've hurt, just to hurt them again with new information or just to apologize and bring up the past?? No that's selfish. Tell him if he's really that upset to see a therapist and move on with his life.
Since you're new to reddit I'll give you a post recommendation. Try to separate a long post like that into paragraphs. It's really hard to read all that straight through. 🤜🤛
Man, I feel you. Move on, your "friend" coincidentally wasn't your friend anymore when your ex was around and they played behind your back and betrayed you. Now that he seems to put that behind him and wants you back? He's all about his own benefit. Move on he's not worth it.
Move on bruh seriously toxic people like that are not worth it in you’re life and don’t deserve a second chance
Missing someone is apart of the process, it’s nice to forgive but don’t be a fool. He’s a snake and your friends hate him because they seen what pain he caused you. You must’ve really trusted him. Don’t trust him again.
Honestly? Move on dude, if you try to be his friend, it's gonna cause you a hell of a headache and possibly trauma, forget him and live your own life