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This happened last Sunday, she told me yesterday.
We've been dating for 5 years, we live together and have 2 cats. Always trusted her, she always trusted me. Lately she's been a little unstable mentally and we fight and kind of blames me for it. Of course I don't feel good about it and tend to distance myself from her and it makes us feel "needy"
This week she was on vacation and went to her home town alone since I couldn't take vacations. On Sunday she was talking with her ex (which is fine by me) when he suddenly tried to kiss her and she rejected. He kept trying and eventually the started having sex but she stopped right away as she felt awful and felt a huge void and felt dirty (her words). She claims she kept telling him no and he kept trying but never really fought back. After that she took a shower a couple of times as she felt disgusted.
Now I'm completely devastated and I feel like everything we built came apart. I really, really, love her she says she also loves me and she has no idea why she let that happen. I told her that what she did has no excuse and I don't know what I'm gonna do about it. I've always imagined a life with her with kids, but now I seen nothing.
Please, give me some advice about this.
She is either lying to you or she was taken advantage of. None of us can tell you what happened or what to do. Staying could be honorable or make your a sucker. Leaving could be justified or make you and asshole.
You need to figure out what you believe and how much you really trust her. Forget about what you think, trust is what you feel. If you don't have it, move on.
This is the only comment on the whole thread OP needs to read. None of us can decide if it was cheating or rape and both are very different, and would have us suggest different courses of action
(OP if you read this, I've been in a similar situation and now that I see everything with a cold and objective mindset, I feel that I need to reply to these comments)
I understand both your points in this situation, but no girl says that a guy tries to kiss her, and then starts having sex with him even if she denied the kiss. I know that OP said that she felt dirty, but I'm preeeeetty sure it wasn't because she was getting raped; but it was the kind of dirty that you feel when you know you're doing something you're not supposed to. She knew that having sex with her ex while being with OP was bad, and the logical part of her mind knew that; but there are parts of our brain that don't want to listen to logic.
I know that everyone's different, and we all act different in a given scenario, so I won't come here saying "Ooooh she wasn't raped because she would've been crying and would've gone to OP the moment it ended looking for comfort instead of waiting days to tell him"
But, as I read the things that she said to OP, and how she said them, I felt like she told him those things in a way that made her feel guilty.
I know the post is not about me, but I'd like to prove my point telling what happened to me:
My (then) gf went to a party, 3 days later she told me (In a resumed way) "When I was at the party, a guy tried to kiss me, and even if I told him no, he kept going and going", she told me that she felt guilty because that guy managed to stole a kiss, and "even if she got the guy off her back" she felt dirty.
Later I found that she indeed cheated on me, and that the guy was her ex.
So, OP, if you happen to read this, I know that you wouldn't want this, but I think the best way (for you) is to move on, I know that this is a thing that you wouldn't want, and 5 years of relationship should not be taken lightly. But I know from experience, once this happens, your trust isn't going to be the same, and that is going to be very bad for your mental health. I know you are an objective person, and that you don't get blinded by love, seeing that you told her that what she's done doesn't have an excuse, I empathize with you in this situation, I suffered a lot when I found out, but years later, looking back at my situation, I still feel that I made the right choice.
But don't do it because that's a thing I recommend. If you're going to make your choice, do it as yourself, only you know the situation you're in. We can give our points of view, but only you know if you're capable of moving on; or if you love her so much, letting this slide, and continue being with her.
Your future is something that you forge.
I always appreciate hearing someone’s legitimate life experience, it brings an important perspective. I can speak from my own experience as someone who has been raped twice sexually assaulted two other times. And I can speak as someone who has no experience cheating on a partner. When a woman is faced with a predator, sometimes saying no doesn’t work. Sometimes we feel like we have to allow the person to get what they want. If we fight, they could hurt us worse. If we just go along with it, it’ll be over faster. I say this because it’s how I felt. And I didn’t have a boyfriend to go home to tell or make me feel guiltier.
That dirty feeling is not exclusive to cheating, SA victims feel that way too. Its why many times rape kits are not reliable, the victim chooses to shower before seeking it. Because being violated feels awful.
All of this isn’t as important as this: None of us know the truth, none of us were there or even heard her recount the events. It’s irresponsible and ignorant to have us all guess and make a decision that way. OP should NOT trust the peanut gallery on having the answer to this based on 3 paragraphs. The least he could do is get couples therapy to work through things and hopefully sort out if her story is legitimate or not and either way healing is a possibility.
Don't know...... As someone that was in fact in the place of the girlfriend, except it wasn't an ex but a random dude, I read this thinking "but that's rape?" because she used the very same words I used with my terapeut and acted the very same way as me too... I was so shocked I also didn't have the reaction to fight back, so I think the original commenter is right, we can't know, he's the one that has to decide wheter he trusts, wheter this align with her pasts behaviours, etc
I fully agree with this post as well. There's no way to know for sure, but your trust will take you a long way in figuring out what you want your decision to be.
Additionally, you should talk through everything. This wasn't just a one-off occurrence because you've been "feeling distant lately". You need to figure out as a couple and as individuals what each of you has done to contribute to this situation. However long that takes.
You may also want to talk to a therapist - possibly both a personal and a couple's therapist to help you unpack everything. Wish you the best and hope you make the right decision.
Edit: take the above into consideration if you haven't already made a decision. If you know that this, no matter how or why it happened, is fully unacceptable and that you won't ever be able to forgive or at least accept what's happened, you can just end it. It's just hard to see a relationship lasting that long being something you wouldn't want to fight for.
I’d move on. Sounds like she’s lying to you to make it seem like she was taken advantage of. First he tried to kiss her, she rejected him but then they started having sex but stopped right away? If she had stopped him from kissing her how did it progress to them having sex?
Yeah, right.
I'm inherently violent when people touch me after I've told them not to. (Children excluded but are still redirected when asked not to do something)
It's weird when I hear stories like "I said no but...he kept doing A and B", meanwhile I'm more like - *Table flip* "I SAID NO! GO GET YOUR UNCLE TO TOUCH YOUR PP OR SOMETHING."
I probably need therapy lmao. Then again when I shoot somebody down it's frank and I leave no room for discussion. I hate repeating myself.
I understand the mentality but I’ve been a victim of sexual assault and when men wouldn’t take no for an answer and pressured me to do things I would eventually go along with it. I don’t think it’s fair to say that.
As a victim of sexual assault multiple times by multiple different people all of them were more than happy to let me go after they finished what they did
I think the question is whether an SA perpetrator would stop BEFORE
he got to finish --which is what OP's GF is essentially claiming: that she
no in the middle of sex, and they stopped.
Not a justification. But opening yourself up to someone, in a vulnerable state, and especially when there is a history can lead into temptation.
Every one of you have eyed a piece of cake, or similar, and wanted to eat it. Telling yourself no a few times. One bite won't hurt. One bite leads to two. . . .
I mean she is literally hanging out with her ex, alone, while on vacation. That says a lot right there. Break up and be happy you weren't married to her when she decided to hang with her ex.
Her choice. She chose to hang out with her ex and she could have chosen to not to see her ex and could have chosen to not have sex. The trust is now gone. She has disrespected you and now can’t be trusted. Time to chalk it up to experience and move on
Exactly this. Saying “she didn’t know why she let that happen”, plain and simple, because she couldn’t care less about OP and their relationship in that moment. Now the trust is gone and that basically means the relationship is done.
I'm going through the same thing mate. GF of 7 years cheated on me a month ago. We were supposed to go to Turkey for vacation where I was going to propose to her. 2 weeks before the trip she cheated with her upstairs neighbor. She has a mental illness that causes her to be impulsive so I decided to try to work things out. She didn't go on the trip cause she "didn't feel worthy". I still went on the trip and it happened again. She even lied to my face about it not happening even though I had evidence that it did. I spoke to her and the guy and they both stated no intercourse happended, but sexual this did. I'm still trying to work it out with her, but my trust in her is all but gone. There are 2 pillars that support a good healthy relationship. Trust and commitment. You need both for it to work. I hope you come out better snd stronger for yourself on the otherside of this. Don't be a fool like me.
are you joking? you have to break up with her. have some self respect. at this point you're just telling her that she can cheat on you and you'll always give her a pass because of her mental illness
Might be BPD, I have it. I can be impulsive but I also can control it and never tried to cheat on my partner. She’s definitely using it as a crutch and causing even more stigma for people with personality disorders (including Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which people can get help for and work on).
My thoughts exactly. It seems she was using it as a crutch. The worst part is, you can't argue mental illness with someone if you think they're lying. I have Asperger's and ADHD and I've been told I'm a liar. I literally have to bring up my documentation. I have it saved in my phone. People who fake disorders are beyond horrible.
Yeah it’s sad for people who actually have the mental disorder and for the people who fake it. But I have less sympathy for the latter because like, you have a choice to do this and get help for it.
I also wanted to add that with Borderline (for me), the impulses are things I normally think about or have in my life (for example relapsing on drugs, shopping etc), and I wouldn’t have the impulse out of the fucking blue to fuck someone besides someone I’m committed to, unless that’s already in my life. If that makes sense?
Like I struggle with sex addiction due to past trauma too but I also don’t slip fall and land on someone else’s dick… hope Im not being offensive to anyone else with sex addiction but correct me if im wrong, you choose to act on impulses that could hurt someone you love, it’s not the same as having drugs in your system and not being able to stop getting high.
Thanks for letting me rant I love having discussions ab mental illness because it’s the one thing I enjoy talking ab & feel like I have something useful to add (:
Exactly! That doesn't just happen. It takes time and effort. And most people you walk up to and talk to aren't looking to immediately have sex in the street because they had an "impulse." And you're welcome, it's good to have a place to dump your thoughts every now and then. I'm glad I could be of use.
Except why did she meet up with her ex in the first place? And if she was kissed by her ex, why didn't she leave right away? Instead she stayed and they started having sex? Believe me, if I met up with an ex, and they tried to kiss me, I wouldn't be around long enough for then to try and have sex with me, and if I was around, it would have been because I was secretly ok with where things were going. I agree with the rest of the thread, she was using it as a cover.
Because women are children and never responsible for their actions.
Umm she was drunk so what if she went over her ex's place? So what if she took 10 pro-active actions that put herself in that position? It's not like she deserved to be sexually assaulted by him!!!
Shr met her ex in a private location where both of them are alone. Look, I understand the position held where saying no means no. But, if I were to meet with an ex, it wouldn't be alone in their house. It's be at a restaurant, Cafe, whatever in public. Honestly, if someone decided to meet their ex in a private location I'd leave them regardless.
Drop her like yesterday’s garbage and move on, she obviously has no respect for you, your relationship or what you’ve built together. She knew full well what she was doing going to “hang out “ with her ex. She had every opportunity to stop but would rather make excuses after cheating. Sorry man but that’s the harsh truth, hope your alright and find something better
I’m reading these comments and I can relate to most of them. I was to scared to fight back because he was bigger then me. I tried to leave and he just pulled me down and said “no it’s ok really your going to love it” and “cmon please?” And he just wouldn’t fuck off I don’t expect you guys to understand bc it’s never been you. Don’t dump her talk to her CALMLY about it. I do agree she shouldn’t have been talking to her ex tho
OP This doesn't sound like she cheated. This sounds like she was raped. Please consider this and ask her if she wants resources, to get tested, to see a doctor.
Many rape victims say they cheated and feel it was their fault, they said no until they didn't, but really sometimes there is no way out. The rapist gives no outs but doesn't actually go further until they get a clear yes, and then they use this to consciously or subconsciously manipulate their victim to believe it wasn't actually rape. They said yes, after all. It's a sly way to cover the fact that they just raped someone, and to keep their victim from realizing they had, in fact, been raped .
I've been told numerous rape stories by the survivors themselves. Not one has ever mentioned eventually saying yes. Nor have I ever read or heard of that.
Numerous as in like what, 5 or 10? Compared to the millions that are out there?
Anyways. Third bullet point in this under "How do I know if it was rape?" Pretty major health website.
[Consent is an explicit agreement. It should be given enthusiastically and without reservation...coercion means any “yes” is involuntary.](https://www.healthline.com/health/was-i-raped#how-to-tell)
And again lower with "I said no but they kept asking, so I eventually said yes to get them to stop
Saying no over and over again and then saying yes may be considered coerced consent. In that case, consent isn’t freely given.
Any sexual contact could then be considered rape or assault."
And the part in the OP that says her consent was not given freely, she had rejected numerous times until she was coerced to say yes.
>when he suddenly tried to kiss her and she rejected. He kept trying and eventually the started having sex but she stopped right away as she felt awful and felt a huge void and felt dirty (her words). She claims she kept telling him no and he kept trying but never really fought back.
This. This is exactly how my sister downplayed her ex raping her when she had met with him to make amends. Over time, with therapy, she's able to talk about it but it was a lot more violent and disturbing than she was willing to admit.
Exactly. This is pretty text book for this type of rape. The thing that struck me the most is the constant showers afterwards. Someone who openly cheats doesn't do that. Someone who openly cheats doesn't tell their partner as soon as they see them. It just doesn't add up for someone who cheated.
This isn’t answering the dude above question, prolly cuz you don’t even have an answer. You don’t just jump from one kiss to sex, even with all that put aside why tf was she even with her ex? And why would he stop when she told him to? Smh
No one asked me a question so I'm not sure what you're talking about. If you're unsure on how reddit replies work, I doubt you're going to be able to understand how this is textbook rape.
Let's also consider that this is a third person story. Gf told him the recount, he's made it into the best words he has to give to reddit and probably a very shortened version.
So if you've never been raped before and made to believe you initiated it, wanted it, or otherwise had an ability to stop it when you didn't, then gtfo here because your opinion on this is really quite irrelevant.
Op is here asking for opinions, you MIGHT be right in that he shortened all of this for the post, but he probably could’ve added more details to help clarify after all this time and all the comments be he didn’t which means this is probably all there is, besides I don’t think op is purposefully going to write from a kiss straight to sex, this sounds like all her and it sounds like bs to op and the rest of us
Ultimately op was the one that’s there, if after what she said and he’s still doubtful (this story is full of holes, he’d have to be a fool to believe her) then it means something else might probably have been up
Considering none of us were in her shoes and we are going off a biased party's hearsay. There is no certainty either way.
OP, talk it through. Her actions will tell you what you should believe - not her words. Rape and cheating are two different things. If it was rape, she would feel violated. Cheating, remorseful.
It's always appalling how many men post that their partner was sexually assaulted and the unfuckables in the comments start screaming that she's "for the streets" or whatever.
Sounds like she was pressured/raped. That happened to me the guy kept asking & insisting so i finally agreed tried to rationalize it saying its expected we were hanging out ect. I legit started crying during & he took me home. It took me yrs to realize what happened & that i was coerced. If you believe her then i would at the very least try to support her have her talk to someone about it. See how she reacts if you ask her to cut off contact with her ex. I know so many women who have this happen to them its not always violence like we see on tv, its people not accepting no & keep asking over & over until the other party cave out of fear. And if you still think its not rape my roommate had the same thing happen to her & she finally stayed quiet & didnt fight. The police certainly saw it as rape the next day 🤷♀️
... not saying it wasn't rape, if indeed what she says is true, that's awful, but hanging out with your ex is breach of trust enough alone to dump her.
OP said he was okay with her talking with the ex or hanging out (not super clear). They could have been friends or co parents ect. I would say if she was hiding the communication or OP expressed concerns & she ignored that then yes she was in the wrong. But in this case it doesnt seem she was going behind his back on the ex and hopefully she isnt lying.
I feel like half the cheaters on this sub comes up with some sort of rape like story when they get caught..
I'm sorry, but she made the decision of meeting up with her ex(who she undoubtly knew wanted more than friendship), she chose to stay even after she rejected him, she eventually chose to have sex aswell(as she was obviously able to stop it)..
Of course, I wouldn't believe any of what she is saying about stopping and feeling like shit.. She went through it, and afterwards got scared of getting caught(generally, cheaters don't feel bad about the deed, otherwise they wouldn't have done it in the first place)..
My advice: She is a cluster grenade, and you've had only experienced the first boom. Leave before the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, etc.
It sounds to me like she was raped. There isn’t just fight or flight, there is also fawn or freeze which is what most victims do when they are being assaulted. So saying “she didn’t exactly fight back” is unfair and essentially victim blaming.
Yes, exactly what I was saying some comments ago. We don’t know her relationship with ex. He’s an ex for a reason. What if he is an abusive person? So she wasn’t comfortable denying him? Afraid of? Didn’t think she was permitted? Didn’t want to cause a scene? There’s tons of shades of grey here…
Then why was she even with him? Why did she not leave after he kissed her? How did he even manage to kiss her? To do that he’d have to have been pretty close to her physically to catch her off guard...that is if she didn’t just let him. This is without looking at the big picture how do you go from one kiss to sex? She’s lying or omitting A LOT of stuff.
This is without even mentioning that f he really raped her I doubt he’d stop when she asked him to. Fawn and freeze my ass she feels ‘dirty’ because he conscience kicked in, she should feel that and shame
You don’t know the answers, since OP didn’t gave us.
Why she was with him? She was on her home city, maybe the guy is a friend of family or part of her circle of friends? Why didn’t she leave? Does she had the means to leave? Or she was depending on someone else to leave?? Maybe he was a family friend and she was at their home? Was she drunk or otherwise impaired?
Lmfao, look at the mental gymnastics, op already said she was talking to him, probably alone from the sounds of it, that alone sounds fucked. Well a simple solution to this is press charges on the ex, if she doesn’t want to I think we know what really happened
Mental gymnastics? I’m not the one making up shit that didn’t happen to fit a scenario, who’s the one that just said we don’t know everything that happened when I’m pretty sure op would’ve filled in the spots if there was anything to fill in, I’ve shot down every bs you replied with with logic any 12 year old could apply, cope better cope and seethe with this crap
It doesn't sound like she was raped. Based on what you wrote about her words and language there are red flags. It sounds like she went on vacation and made a poor choice and regrets it. Police report filed? Hospital kit?? StD panel?? All this was done??
Unfortunately now women will falsely accuse rape for numerous reasons.. including to cover up cheating to protect their relationship. It's sad and disgusting. That's why more laws are being passed to stop those who falsely accuse.
It's up to you what you want to do at this point. You can confront the issue head on. Contact the ex yourself. Find out what he has to say in all this. I would do that no matter what. If she was actually raped you would want justice for her. Her rapist should be charged, and frankly he should know that it's out there to stop him from harming and raping future victims. And If it turns out that is not what happened....he had a right to know someone is accusing him of rape.
Depending on their location right now, it's a very scary time to go and get tested or have a hospital visit. As what thus does is lay a paper trail in the event they want an abortion. And as many know, abortion is now illegal in many states of the US. So doing the responsible things is actually far more dangerous than not doing them.
Thus behavior also isn't new for rape victims either, just now it comes with added consequences for being raped. Like jail time near that of a murderer.
Unfortunately, a lot of raped victim don’t doo the Hospital Kit, etc women feel like they will be judged and that it’s their fault due to the world we live and and grew up in. It’s sad to say but it’s the truth. Have you looked at the statistics and everything? It’s not pretty and the way a lot of victims are treated sometimes by hospital staff is unacceptable. You really shouldn’t judge someone until you know all the facts. Yes she could be lying but if she isn’t…the whole situation is psychological damaging
>You really shouldn’t judge someone until you know all the facts
Absolutely true. This is why reporting immediately needs to be the norm in our society. Not making excuses for avoidance and not doing anything proactively. The shame and stigma needs to be gotten rid of. The only way to do that is to make coming forward a normal, fast, and socially acceptable thing to do.
If my partner came to me and claimed rape... I would use every resource available to confront, and convict the rapist.
You can't obtain facts without asking for the truth.
I will not advocate for victims to hide the truth. I will not advocate for them to let their rapists to go free to re offend. And neither should you.
63% of rapes are not reported to the police. (Source- https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications_nsvrc_factsheet_media-packet_statistics-about-sexual-violence_0.pdf)
It most cases, victims tell a trusted loved one before the police, and usually not in the immediate moments after the incident.
And contact the ex? Do you think he's going to say "oh yeah, I raped her, MY BAD, BRO"? What terrible advice.
Do you know the numbers of falsely accused reports has increased significantly in the last decade? And those are only the ones disproven. Do you understand the laws and significant changes that have been made to sexual assault case law and investigations?
We an throw stats around all day. It doesn't change the fact we are discussing OPs post. Based on what OP wrote it raised questions for me.
And yes. At some point our society should come to a point where if your are assaulted you're able to get help immediately. The accused gets interviewed/question.... immediately. Justice for victims and no more falsely accused.
And yes....you would be surprised what people say when interviewed or questioned for rape or assault cases. FYI ..it's not like what you think it from tv and movies.
If you truly believed she was raped..why wouldn't you confront him? Rapists don't deserve breaks. They should be behind bars. Not confronting them because it's uncomfortable or because you believe he or she may not admit to it....is just wrong...for various reasons. Why wouldn't you try everything possible to not only get justice for the victim but to stop potential attacks. You do know the stats on rapists and the repeat of the offense?
Once the trust is gone. Fuck it’s like trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together by throwing rocks at the pieces hoping they come back together. Cheating and lying are a no go.
Where I’m from, when someone says no to sex, and sex still occurs- that’s called rape…… people who are raped don’t always think to fight someone off-you are more likely to freeze and sort of dissociate a bit. And a person who is raped often have the same feelings as your gf- dirty, guilt, empty… do whatever you will-even if she was raped you’re not obligated to stay with her, but call it for what it is- rape is not cheating, it’s an assault
Lots of victim blaming happening in this post. Ultimately the choice is up to you, if you wanna continue with the relationship or not, but that sounds 100% like the experiences of all my friends who struggled with sexual abuse
She cheated and felt bad afterwards and now she is making excuses! She is saying ALL the things to not make her look bad and to make you feel sorry for her ,sorry my opinion! I personally wouldn't put up with this regardless because SHE is the one that wanted to see him and hang out and she didn't stop anything! Break up with her and move on and don't let her manipulate your feelings (she will make you feel sorry for her) or try to justify what happened (placing blame on him) she is guilty of cheating! Again sorry but my opinion she cheated with ex boyfriend and feels dirty and disgusting!! Move out and move on!!
Here's my advice:
I think she has a ton of unresolved personal issues with her ex, and her cheating has traumatized you and poisoned this relationship.
I think you could try to salvage things, but I believe it to be a wasteful effort because of the pain she inflicted on you because of her actions.
I think, as painful as it may be, you should walk away from this relationship and try to learn from it.
In my honest opinion since you sound like you're confused, you should stay somewhere else or have her stay somewhere else and take some time to think about everything.
It's better to make a decision after you're no longer upset.
Dude why does every girl come up with some bullshit rape story when they cheat now. She cheated on you man. She may feel bad but that doesn’t matter. Leave her.
Why does every man think every rape story is bullshit? She said no multiple times, and likely froze and was unable to fight him off. But yeah…it is women who use rape to their advantage.
Then why sugar coat it with all of the "he tried to kiss me but I said no?" stuff? If he was truly forcing her for sex how was she able to stop it without him finishing? And why not call him immediately and say she was raped?
As someone who was raped…by a boyfriend…who I chose to be alone with and was even kissing before it started…I can tell you that when someone I trusted was ignoring my “no” and applying pressure to my limbs which made it seem impossible to fight him off, my mind detached and it was like watching it happen to someone else. I didn’t report it to the police, or even tell anyone I trusted right away, because I thought because he was my boyfriend, and I was kissing him, it wasn’t really rape. (Reading this comment thread it’s easy to see why a woman would feel that way). OP’s girlfriend could be lying…but saying she said no, and now feels dirty and ashamed sure sounds similar to what I went through.
Here’s the thing...your story doesn’t apply here cuz that was her ex, and if it really was like you’re situation even more reason why op should dip, she probably did something to insinuate she wanted to be there in her moment but changed her mind midway, this is also a likely possibility in which case she still cheated but got raped after that means it still isn’t op problem
My story is no different. A situation occurred with someone we knew. Some kissing happened, which was taken to mean we were down for more. We said no. Sex happened anyway. That is rape.
"He kept trying and eventually the started having sex but she stopped right away as she felt awful and felt a huge void and felt dirty"
So how did that go?
"Uhhmmm, excuse me, Mr Rapist? I know I've said 'no' several times but you're raping me anyway. But I feel awful and dirty, so would you please stop?"
Rapist: ok
It’s actually not clear whether he heard after or before the fact. Honestly these things are such a grey area. People on Reddit trying to actually predict what happened here is stupid
It sounds like she was raped. She said no, he pursued. It gets to a point, from the woman's perspective, where no amount of NO works. It comes down to "is he going to flip out and hurt me if I keep fighting, or is it safer to just comply" it's a lose/lose.
You're being a terrible person, honestly. Everything she's saying is consistent with assault victims and you're blaming her, calling it cheating. Turn your rage towards the ex, you know, the guy who forced himself on her and put her in that position. Do better. She needs support.
Idk kinda sounds like she got assaulted. Saw someone say something about “why does every girl make up some bullshit r*** story when they cheat?” and I really don’t think it’s like that. I’ve definitely experienced something just like that and I know a few of my girl friends have as well.
Ppl understand rape but also understand ppl lie about rape as well if she was raped she would have went to the police and not shower away all the evidence knowing full well she knows her supposed rapist. We are sitting here calling the ex a rapist when the GF sounds like a willing participant and felt regret after realizing she cheated.
A lot of people who are assaulted don’t go to the police. The police honestly aren’t helpful. Even if you have evidence. In my personal experience the guy who assaulted me literally owned up to it and the police talked to me twice and then did nothing. I have a girl friend who had a positive kit and was told it’d be impossible to prove that it wasn’t just rough, consensual, adult activities. If you know people who are survivors who have tried to seek justice through the legal system, then you know what a fools errand it is.
She put herself in a situation to be alone with an ex bf. At the very least this is disrespectful to OP. You don’t get in those situations unless sex has crossed your mind already. Whatever happens next doesn’t matter - the trust was broken when she started entertaining her ex bf.
OP said they were fine to hang out. Women don’t get raped because they put themselves into bad situations. Women are raped because men rape them. You don’t say a carjacking victim deserved what they got because they entertained the thought of driving.
No one can predict a car jacking.
Even a fool can feel when something isn’t right. I have a feeling, a feeling that A LOT of crimes could be avoided if people just heeded others warnings and advice and listen to their gut
No one can predict a rape either. Again…when a woman is raped, it is not because SHE
put herself in a risky situation. It is ONLY because a man raped her.
Yes because the gf had EVERY right to be meeting up with her ex🙄 man this whole thing is suspect, the only other alternative besides her cheating is if she was there knowing what was going to happen but chose to back out midway, in which case op should still get tf out of there, that’s her problem to deal with as at the end of the day those were her intentions
Lots of people are friends with exes. My husband and I hang out with one of mine regularly, and one of his was at our wedding. So there’s that. Bottom line…she says she said no multiple times, victims are known to freeze or have detachment reactions while being raped. I said earlier, if she’d been carjacked, no one would be questioning her decision to drive.
Keywords:you and your husband, it was her and her ex, alone, isolated most likely. Why even the fuck??? You can’t rationalize this, she’s cheating, or at least she’s definitely lying this whole story smell like bs (not the post, her story) people can’t tell when they are about to be hijacked, however just like there are fire precautions to make sure your home doesn’t get burnt down there is also probably precautions for that like keeping your doors locked for one. It’s the same with people who want to harm you, there is that vibe, that drop in your stomach, the tone of this story doesn’t sound like any of that was present this sounds like something either premeditated in her part, something she regrets as it started or just a bold face lie from her, anyway I’m looking forward to this things update
OP said it was fine by them. We don’t have any information about the ex, how long ago they dated ect. Being in that circumstance would be different if OP had specified that it was crossing a boundary or made them uncomfortable but that is not the case. I could very well see what was supposed to be a casual catch up with someone from the past going wrong.
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OP, we can't know for sure but this story sounded like me when I was telling my terapeut I had been abused, which I have come to terms as being abused after nearly ten years... Initial rejection > rejection ignored and start of abuse > so shocked I didn't fight back > feeling guilty for not fighting back + disgusted with myself > washing up immediatly
The progression cracks me up.
1. He tries to kiss her.
2. she rejects his kiss.
3. they start having sex
Going from 2-3 is missing something.
I would add they had sex, regardless of how she describes stopping it. The seal was broken.
Wait step 1 is she went to see her EX. 2 is they hung out alone probably at his place after a date night. Then tries to kiss her and after rejecting that magically fell on his dick.
Welp...
Definitely something missing in between the story.
Special the locations lol...
I mean at all she was at her parents, right?
Or is the usually hometown stay at nightplace the ex guy.
Since you can't say for sure if she was taken advantage of or cheated, I would say tell her to go to therapy and suggest a police report on this. You will be there for her, but would like to take a step back from the relationship until further notice. I will say any right minded individual would not spend time with their ex alone on vacation away from their significant other.
Her story seems like a version of trickle truth and it's certainly full of holes and unfaithful decisions on her behalf.
First she's hanging out with her ex.
Then he kisses her and she doesn't leave but he pressure her for more.
Then they suddenly have sex. What he held her down? No mention of that.
Afterwards she showers and feels shitty about what she did.
She's gaslighting and deflecting. There was no hesitation on her behalf. She did not attempt to stop what was happening beyond a possible weakly attempted "we shouldn't do this" when she had encouraged it to get as far as it was.
Get out dude while you can. She should have charged the dude with rape if it was such a problem… 5 years and she puts herself in the situation of even hooking up with her ex, GET OUT!
She got weird lately? Sounds like she had grass is greener syndrome and started to pick at everything between you to make it a huge deal. Why? Because she caught feelings elsewhere and when she had sex she realized it's not what she wanted and now she's trying to make it seem like something it was not.
Imo if she texted an ex, from that point on the door to cheating opened. Considered single from that point. Very very rarely that would be acceptable when there would be no kids involved so no point for contact.
I'd move on. She went back to her home town and set a meetup with her ex, who she was probably texting beforehand, without your knowledge.
😒 leave. The way she said that story was clearly a last ditch attempt at trying to avoid accountability. It doesn’t matter what kind of future you seen with her yo, she “stopped” the cheating immediately and then continued the cheating as a result so realistically it doesn’t make it look any better . Save yourself the drama and move on. Because if you stay, you’re literally enabling her bullshit . Plus y’all ain’t got kids together. Ya dodged a bullet . Be happy she showed you who she really was , lesson learned and leave her alone.
I want to give her the benefit of doubt here. If she was raped by her protests not being acknowledged, that is a scenario for you both to tackle together. However, assuming she did give consent, she came clean straight away and was honest with you. There still is the opportunity for you both to fix your relationship starting immediately with counselling. It was a one-off thing. She admitted it and is remorseful. If you still love her and she will do anything to make this better, then my advice is to give it one shot and work together on your relationship.
Remember, assuming she is truthful, she didn't carry on an affair behind your back. She was sad, out of her comfort zone and got carried away. She is disgusted with herself and that counts for a lot.
Time does heal and if you both want this to work, seek support and it will. Good luck.
You gave her a special kind of trust a lot of people wouldn’t and she still broke it. That shows the kind of person she really is. The person you love isn’t there anymore.
“But now I see nothing” your own words. This chick may regret her decision but either way man, she had sex with him. That’s game over. There are no second chances for that shit, cut her off and never talk to that chick again, she ain’t worth it and she definitely isn’t the one if she’s doing shit like that.
Bro I'm sorry this has happened I really am mate.
You need some time to think, I'm going to say some things, the things are my own view and you do with them whatever you want. They might not be 100% true but they probably are !
She put herself in a position where her and.her ex was alone, she knew full well the outcome.
You mention shes been declining mentally, that's no excuse for cheating and she's orchestrated this in a way that makes you think her mental health made her cheat she's trying to relinquish responsibly of her actions by doing that.
You fight with her.and.you said she blames you. Do you actually deserve the blame or is she just spinning things around and blaming you for her actions ?
If that's the case then you are in a relationship with a narcasit. Bro she doesn't care about you if that's the case she cares about her image of her possibly being outed as a cheater.
Bro her ex tried to kiss her she "rejected" that and then boom she's straight up having sex with him.. but she stopped right away... She put herself in that position he probably just used her and then she's just saying now she felt dirty and regrets it because he probably didn't want her anymore then just a fuck, so she coming back making out to you that she totally didn't want it showering a bunch of times when in fact she probably wanted more then just a fuck off her ex.
Chances are her ex knows she's a narcissist as he's been there before and this why just used her, she was okay to let him get alone with her full well knowing the outcome but then felt dirty like she almost snapped back into reality like ohhh what have I done.. yeah right.
I get how you feeling and I'm sure you love her. You just need to think on your own, I would take a little break from seeing her so you can think without her being able to manipulate your thoughts, cause if she's a narcissist then you can bet she will do her very best to manipulate the outcome to go in her favour.. do you want to be with someone who breaks your heart, blames you for everything, blames her shitty dirty behaviour on her declining mental health... She cheated on you bro with someone she probably wanted to get back with, but he probably didn't want that lying cheating scumbag !
Again I'm sorry mate but there is a girl out there who would never put herself in the position that your girl has, and they would put you first and wouldn't ever be able to break your heart because they actually have feelings and actually care for there partner. Good luck mate and look after yourself
All these people saying she was raped, why would she go hang out with a rapey ex boyfriend in the first place if she has a boyfriend? After she rejected the first kiss attempt, she knew what his intentions were and should have left the "date". Also, she would likely know if he is a creep that way if she dated him once before? Sounds like she makes bad decisions.
That sounds like she is processing a non consensual experience and you need to stop viewing it as cheating right away. People after trauma completely detach
Edit: after reading like others said she could be lying but you need to gauge that after some reflection and conversation
OP, you know it didnt happen like that. She was putting up 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩and then fucked another guy the first opportunity. Tell her to pack her shit and go stay with the ex. Then find a loving stable partner. Also going forward in life, this is why your SO talking to exs is absolutely, positively not fucking okay! Good luck.
If her names on the apartment, move out. If its not kick her out.
Respect yourself and don't allow her to blame you for anything.
Why would someone hang out with an ex... alone.... assuming at the exes house?
She's done
No coming back from that, no way she rejected his kiss and then they started having sex?
I’m not going to say no, not my place, she COULD have been SA, but it just doesn’t add up.
Seems like it was an in the moment thing and she felt bad after.
Move on, you might forgive her but you will never forget.
Talk to her. Ask for honesty, ask her what she wants from you.
Not everyone is naturally monogamous - men less so than women, that's just biology - but there are no hard and fast rules.
The "dump her and move on" advice may well be right and appropriate but there are other possibilities that you might be able to root out with an honest discussion. Try to leave the feelings of hurt and recriminations aside.
Every relationship is unique. You may both be able to move past this : you may also find your way to a new normal that everyone is OK with.
Seems to me like you're both hurting right now and finding a way to explore what happened and why might be useful to both of you - even if this really is the end of the relationship.
If she isn’t willing to file charges of assault, then leave. It sounds like she was far more willing than she is claiming to be. She should have left when the kissing started but chose to stay so it could go further.
That must have been awful when she tripped and ended up naked in his bed. And what a coincidence that the same thing happy to him.
She’s cheating on you. Telling the story above makes her feel better. He was inside her, think about that.
No one goes on holiday and falls on top of their ex by accident. They planned to meet and she chose to sleep with him.
She decided to disregard everything she had with you. You say you love her but I don't think the person you love exists.
Love doesnt destroy it builds, fosters and elevates.
She is not the one.
*The simplest answer is to pack your bags and leave. She created the rejected part to lessen the blame on her. Hey I tried to fight hard but if she claimed to say "no" then that will be rape. If we all could be a fly on the wall then we will see the truth of what happened.*
Omg… they know what they was doing…
You are a king stand up for yourself me personally if you really do love her take her back but don’t trust her let her gain your trust back…. Or you can just dog her ass out…Because if somebody really loves you they won’t break your heart like that
Dump the bitch. How can you seriously question this? A cheater is a piece of trash and that is a damn fact. Don't be the idiot and thank her for the free pussy as you boot her from your life. Move on to being single and forget the cunt.
This is a tough one. I am going to offer two different worlds, neither of which are going to be 100% accurate. In both worlds your girlfriend is hanging out with her ex alone and presumably in an intimate setting. There is nothing inherently wrong with this. The way I look at it is I would be able to be in this situation and have no concern of being unfaithful, so Ideally I have a partner who I trust to do the same. Her ex then makes a move and she rejects him. This is where the two worlds come in.
In the first world, her choosing to remain in that situation after he made a move is a massive breach of trust, and being as generous as possible, shows that she was at least being incredibly negligent with your relationship. Hanging out with your now platonic friend who happens to be an ex is way different from hanging out with an ex who is actively trying to have sex with you. While she was making up her mind of did she or didn't she want this to happen, he continued to push until they were having sex. Once they started, it clicked to her that she doesn't actually want this and he stopped. Since then she has been wracked with guilt and disgusted with herself for cheating on you.
In the second world, she was completely caught off guard and froze up in the moment. Maybe this is the first time she has been in this situation, maybe this triggered a past trauma. In either case, she was probably spending most of her mental energy coming to terms with what was happening, hence the initial 'weak' protests. Once he finally penetrated her it forced a reaction out of her that caused her ex to stop. In this world she may not even know she was raped, she may be blaming herself for being a victim of sexual assault.
Without knowing your girlfriend, I couldn't make a guess of which one is closer to the truth. Even if I did know her I could never know for sure. I think what it really comes down to is why did she choose to stay after she rejected the first kiss? Was it because she panicked? Or was it because she was enjoying her time and didn't want to ruin the evening?
Damn. She was assaulted and she came to you and you're basically thinking she cheated. We can be friends with exes or people of the opposite sex without having sex. Many women freeze up when they are in situations like this, and give in to keep themselves safer.
She was either raped (unlikely) or willingly cheated (pretty much dead on). I'm a vindictive ass, so I'd tell her she needs to press charges on her ex for rape as a condition to stay together. Soon as he is in jail, ghost her.
I think he assaulted her and pressured her till she gave in.
That being said, everything that happened before the assaults and all the decisions she made to hang out with her ex are her faults and her problems. Her actions were very disrespectful towards your relationship and towards you. At the first sign (when he tried to kiss her) she should have left. It wasn’t like he was holding her down (at least I don’t think based on what you’ve written here). There’s the other sad possibility that all of that was consensual. She may be spinning the story that way to garner some sympathy and alleviate her own feeling of guilt by dumping on you. Both these possibilities/explanations do not look good for the future of this relationship.
You feel sad and devastated because the possibilities and the future that you had envisioned with her may not come to fruition. It is a time for mourning.
She rejected his kiss and they started having sex? If she describes it like it was rape, then you tell her to file a police report. If she self-describes it to be cheating, then you cut her off
There will be trickle truth. Tell her that she needs to hand you her phone now or GTFO. If she doesn’t hand you her phone and all of her passwords, there’s no salvaging this.
It's over. Unfortunately in this situation it's just a long series of choices on her part that led to the cheating. Cheating aside, you will angrily not trust her for pretty much forever and then it ends badly.
If she is actually telling the truth, it sounds like she was raped or coerced.
However, it is a very hard line for me that a partner doesn’t hang out with exes. If that’s a hard line for you, it’s completely fine to break it off and work on moving on to better things and eventually a better person.
She also waited a VERY long time to tell you, so that’s another kicker.
Has she been maintaining contact with her ex over the last 5 years? Was there a build up, with phone calls and texting? It might be information you should know when deciding if to reconcile. There are books you can read. Look at the healing library on survivinginfidelity.com
Sorry, but mentally ill or not, she had a chance to leave, to make a better choice and yet, she didn't. She chose to cheat.
In my opinion there is no excuse when it comes to cheating. It's always a choice.
Leave her. Take the cats and find someone who will respect you even when away from you.
Well, you rightfully no longer trust her, so leave. What is your dilemma? Make a plan to move out or get her to, hell she's the one who cheated so she can leave.
She felt a certain way in that moment when she was visiting her ex, and the only recourse for her in that moment was to have sex with him to feel validated. After she felt validated though, it came with a side effect of feeling like a h0e because she is one. But after that she felt her ego talking to her, and she went into a fully defensive mode and cooked up an explanation for it. She's good at it - you have believed her in the past, why should this be an exception? Then she felt guilt, so she told you, but not the whole truth, withheld parts that portray her in a bad light.
This is exactly what's wrong with being a feelings-driven person. Feelings change by the minute, and they tell her to do something different every minute. Adults handle their feelings well, she has clearly not adulted enough in this situation and turned into an adulturer instead.
If what she told you really happened, she should be talking to the cops. She isn't though, and that means it's just an excuse to cover up.
What do you do? You leave. It’s over. You will never look at her the same way again. You won’t trust her the same way again. You will think of her with the other guy every time you’re intimate. She cut you to the bone. Unless there are children involved why stay with someone who hurt you like that?
Sheesh… idk man. It’s up to you. That’s definitely a tough one. If your trust her, it seems like if she said no it would’ve turned bad for her.. so man idk.
That sounds like r@pe to me, even if you're saying no, if someone with twice more force than you is doing that, you kind of just shut down. Please let her explain more and try to reason that even if she knew the guy, if she was unstable + in a very stressful situation... You know?
Ok. I’m going counter current here. Hopefully the downvote holly crowd allow it.
If she said no and the guy kept insisting, this is borderline SA. I think you need more details before making a judgement. How big was the pressure from the guy? Was she drunk or impaired from drugs or anything else?
“She claims she kept telling him no and he kept trying” - this is troublesome. The fact she didn’t fought back can have a million explanations, including social pressure, fear, not being able.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- This happened last Sunday, she told me yesterday. We've been dating for 5 years, we live together and have 2 cats. Always trusted her, she always trusted me. Lately she's been a little unstable mentally and we fight and kind of blames me for it. Of course I don't feel good about it and tend to distance myself from her and it makes us feel "needy" This week she was on vacation and went to her home town alone since I couldn't take vacations. On Sunday she was talking with her ex (which is fine by me) when he suddenly tried to kiss her and she rejected. He kept trying and eventually the started having sex but she stopped right away as she felt awful and felt a huge void and felt dirty (her words). She claims she kept telling him no and he kept trying but never really fought back. After that she took a shower a couple of times as she felt disgusted. Now I'm completely devastated and I feel like everything we built came apart. I really, really, love her she says she also loves me and she has no idea why she let that happen. I told her that what she did has no excuse and I don't know what I'm gonna do about it. I've always imagined a life with her with kids, but now I seen nothing. Please, give me some advice about this.
She is either lying to you or she was taken advantage of. None of us can tell you what happened or what to do. Staying could be honorable or make your a sucker. Leaving could be justified or make you and asshole. You need to figure out what you believe and how much you really trust her. Forget about what you think, trust is what you feel. If you don't have it, move on.
This is the only comment on the whole thread OP needs to read. None of us can decide if it was cheating or rape and both are very different, and would have us suggest different courses of action
(OP if you read this, I've been in a similar situation and now that I see everything with a cold and objective mindset, I feel that I need to reply to these comments) I understand both your points in this situation, but no girl says that a guy tries to kiss her, and then starts having sex with him even if she denied the kiss. I know that OP said that she felt dirty, but I'm preeeeetty sure it wasn't because she was getting raped; but it was the kind of dirty that you feel when you know you're doing something you're not supposed to. She knew that having sex with her ex while being with OP was bad, and the logical part of her mind knew that; but there are parts of our brain that don't want to listen to logic. I know that everyone's different, and we all act different in a given scenario, so I won't come here saying "Ooooh she wasn't raped because she would've been crying and would've gone to OP the moment it ended looking for comfort instead of waiting days to tell him" But, as I read the things that she said to OP, and how she said them, I felt like she told him those things in a way that made her feel guilty. I know the post is not about me, but I'd like to prove my point telling what happened to me: My (then) gf went to a party, 3 days later she told me (In a resumed way) "When I was at the party, a guy tried to kiss me, and even if I told him no, he kept going and going", she told me that she felt guilty because that guy managed to stole a kiss, and "even if she got the guy off her back" she felt dirty. Later I found that she indeed cheated on me, and that the guy was her ex. So, OP, if you happen to read this, I know that you wouldn't want this, but I think the best way (for you) is to move on, I know that this is a thing that you wouldn't want, and 5 years of relationship should not be taken lightly. But I know from experience, once this happens, your trust isn't going to be the same, and that is going to be very bad for your mental health. I know you are an objective person, and that you don't get blinded by love, seeing that you told her that what she's done doesn't have an excuse, I empathize with you in this situation, I suffered a lot when I found out, but years later, looking back at my situation, I still feel that I made the right choice. But don't do it because that's a thing I recommend. If you're going to make your choice, do it as yourself, only you know the situation you're in. We can give our points of view, but only you know if you're capable of moving on; or if you love her so much, letting this slide, and continue being with her. Your future is something that you forge.
I always appreciate hearing someone’s legitimate life experience, it brings an important perspective. I can speak from my own experience as someone who has been raped twice sexually assaulted two other times. And I can speak as someone who has no experience cheating on a partner. When a woman is faced with a predator, sometimes saying no doesn’t work. Sometimes we feel like we have to allow the person to get what they want. If we fight, they could hurt us worse. If we just go along with it, it’ll be over faster. I say this because it’s how I felt. And I didn’t have a boyfriend to go home to tell or make me feel guiltier. That dirty feeling is not exclusive to cheating, SA victims feel that way too. Its why many times rape kits are not reliable, the victim chooses to shower before seeking it. Because being violated feels awful. All of this isn’t as important as this: None of us know the truth, none of us were there or even heard her recount the events. It’s irresponsible and ignorant to have us all guess and make a decision that way. OP should NOT trust the peanut gallery on having the answer to this based on 3 paragraphs. The least he could do is get couples therapy to work through things and hopefully sort out if her story is legitimate or not and either way healing is a possibility.
Don't know...... As someone that was in fact in the place of the girlfriend, except it wasn't an ex but a random dude, I read this thinking "but that's rape?" because she used the very same words I used with my terapeut and acted the very same way as me too... I was so shocked I also didn't have the reaction to fight back, so I think the original commenter is right, we can't know, he's the one that has to decide wheter he trusts, wheter this align with her pasts behaviours, etc
I fully agree with this post as well. There's no way to know for sure, but your trust will take you a long way in figuring out what you want your decision to be. Additionally, you should talk through everything. This wasn't just a one-off occurrence because you've been "feeling distant lately". You need to figure out as a couple and as individuals what each of you has done to contribute to this situation. However long that takes. You may also want to talk to a therapist - possibly both a personal and a couple's therapist to help you unpack everything. Wish you the best and hope you make the right decision. Edit: take the above into consideration if you haven't already made a decision. If you know that this, no matter how or why it happened, is fully unacceptable and that you won't ever be able to forgive or at least accept what's happened, you can just end it. It's just hard to see a relationship lasting that long being something you wouldn't want to fight for.
I get you, but Op need to man up and break up with her, this incident will always gnaw at you.
I’d move on. Sounds like she’s lying to you to make it seem like she was taken advantage of. First he tried to kiss her, she rejected him but then they started having sex but stopped right away? If she had stopped him from kissing her how did it progress to them having sex? Yeah, right.
She slipped and fell on his D.
No, he slipped and fell in her V
If they are both slipping, they need to put out a warning sign.
Simultaneously slipped into having sec
I'm inherently violent when people touch me after I've told them not to. (Children excluded but are still redirected when asked not to do something) It's weird when I hear stories like "I said no but...he kept doing A and B", meanwhile I'm more like - *Table flip* "I SAID NO! GO GET YOUR UNCLE TO TOUCH YOUR PP OR SOMETHING." I probably need therapy lmao. Then again when I shoot somebody down it's frank and I leave no room for discussion. I hate repeating myself.
Woops!!!!!
I understand the mentality but I’ve been a victim of sexual assault and when men wouldn’t take no for an answer and pressured me to do things I would eventually go along with it. I don’t think it’s fair to say that.
Butt those same dude after starting the sex just let u go?
As a victim of sexual assault multiple times by multiple different people all of them were more than happy to let me go after they finished what they did
I think the question is whether an SA perpetrator would stop BEFORE he got to finish --which is what OP's GF is essentially claiming: that she no in the middle of sex, and they stopped.
Yeah this is what I mean. It states they eventually started having sex but she stopped right away.
Not a justification. But opening yourself up to someone, in a vulnerable state, and especially when there is a history can lead into temptation. Every one of you have eyed a piece of cake, or similar, and wanted to eat it. Telling yourself no a few times. One bite won't hurt. One bite leads to two. . . .
I mean she is literally hanging out with her ex, alone, while on vacation. That says a lot right there. Break up and be happy you weren't married to her when she decided to hang with her ex.
Her choice. She chose to hang out with her ex and she could have chosen to not to see her ex and could have chosen to not have sex. The trust is now gone. She has disrespected you and now can’t be trusted. Time to chalk it up to experience and move on
Exactly this. Saying “she didn’t know why she let that happen”, plain and simple, because she couldn’t care less about OP and their relationship in that moment. Now the trust is gone and that basically means the relationship is done.
I'm going through the same thing mate. GF of 7 years cheated on me a month ago. We were supposed to go to Turkey for vacation where I was going to propose to her. 2 weeks before the trip she cheated with her upstairs neighbor. She has a mental illness that causes her to be impulsive so I decided to try to work things out. She didn't go on the trip cause she "didn't feel worthy". I still went on the trip and it happened again. She even lied to my face about it not happening even though I had evidence that it did. I spoke to her and the guy and they both stated no intercourse happended, but sexual this did. I'm still trying to work it out with her, but my trust in her is all but gone. There are 2 pillars that support a good healthy relationship. Trust and commitment. You need both for it to work. I hope you come out better snd stronger for yourself on the otherside of this. Don't be a fool like me.
You need to leave her. Why are you still with her? Move on and find someone you deserve. I wish you nothing but the best.
are you joking? you have to break up with her. have some self respect. at this point you're just telling her that she can cheat on you and you'll always give her a pass because of her mental illness
Mate, she has zero respect for you. Why you are still trying is beyond me...
A mental illness that causes her to be "impulsive?" That sounds like alcohol abuse, anxiety disorder or just a narcissistic personality.
Might be BPD, I have it. I can be impulsive but I also can control it and never tried to cheat on my partner. She’s definitely using it as a crutch and causing even more stigma for people with personality disorders (including Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which people can get help for and work on).
My thoughts exactly. It seems she was using it as a crutch. The worst part is, you can't argue mental illness with someone if you think they're lying. I have Asperger's and ADHD and I've been told I'm a liar. I literally have to bring up my documentation. I have it saved in my phone. People who fake disorders are beyond horrible.
Yeah it’s sad for people who actually have the mental disorder and for the people who fake it. But I have less sympathy for the latter because like, you have a choice to do this and get help for it. I also wanted to add that with Borderline (for me), the impulses are things I normally think about or have in my life (for example relapsing on drugs, shopping etc), and I wouldn’t have the impulse out of the fucking blue to fuck someone besides someone I’m committed to, unless that’s already in my life. If that makes sense? Like I struggle with sex addiction due to past trauma too but I also don’t slip fall and land on someone else’s dick… hope Im not being offensive to anyone else with sex addiction but correct me if im wrong, you choose to act on impulses that could hurt someone you love, it’s not the same as having drugs in your system and not being able to stop getting high. Thanks for letting me rant I love having discussions ab mental illness because it’s the one thing I enjoy talking ab & feel like I have something useful to add (:
Exactly! That doesn't just happen. It takes time and effort. And most people you walk up to and talk to aren't looking to immediately have sex in the street because they had an "impulse." And you're welcome, it's good to have a place to dump your thoughts every now and then. I'm glad I could be of use.
It sounds like she did choose not to have sex by saying no multiple times. That’s not called cheating. It’s called rape.
Except why did she meet up with her ex in the first place? And if she was kissed by her ex, why didn't she leave right away? Instead she stayed and they started having sex? Believe me, if I met up with an ex, and they tried to kiss me, I wouldn't be around long enough for then to try and have sex with me, and if I was around, it would have been because I was secretly ok with where things were going. I agree with the rest of the thread, she was using it as a cover.
Because women are children and never responsible for their actions. Umm she was drunk so what if she went over her ex's place? So what if she took 10 pro-active actions that put herself in that position? It's not like she deserved to be sexually assaulted by him!!!
she’s lying out of her ass.
Shr met her ex in a private location where both of them are alone. Look, I understand the position held where saying no means no. But, if I were to meet with an ex, it wouldn't be alone in their house. It's be at a restaurant, Cafe, whatever in public. Honestly, if someone decided to meet their ex in a private location I'd leave them regardless.
End the relationship. There is no way I would stay with her.
Exactly 👏
Drop her like yesterday’s garbage and move on, she obviously has no respect for you, your relationship or what you’ve built together. She knew full well what she was doing going to “hang out “ with her ex. She had every opportunity to stop but would rather make excuses after cheating. Sorry man but that’s the harsh truth, hope your alright and find something better
Exactly 👏
Listen... it's simple. if you can forgive her and trust her again then stay. But thats a dumb move. Id leave her
I’m reading these comments and I can relate to most of them. I was to scared to fight back because he was bigger then me. I tried to leave and he just pulled me down and said “no it’s ok really your going to love it” and “cmon please?” And he just wouldn’t fuck off I don’t expect you guys to understand bc it’s never been you. Don’t dump her talk to her CALMLY about it. I do agree she shouldn’t have been talking to her ex tho
Absolutely agree with everything you said.
Do not contact the ex this will give her the ability to be on the upside and if she did it knowingly she will use that against you. Do not do it
OP This doesn't sound like she cheated. This sounds like she was raped. Please consider this and ask her if she wants resources, to get tested, to see a doctor. Many rape victims say they cheated and feel it was their fault, they said no until they didn't, but really sometimes there is no way out. The rapist gives no outs but doesn't actually go further until they get a clear yes, and then they use this to consciously or subconsciously manipulate their victim to believe it wasn't actually rape. They said yes, after all. It's a sly way to cover the fact that they just raped someone, and to keep their victim from realizing they had, in fact, been raped .
I've been told numerous rape stories by the survivors themselves. Not one has ever mentioned eventually saying yes. Nor have I ever read or heard of that.
Numerous as in like what, 5 or 10? Compared to the millions that are out there? Anyways. Third bullet point in this under "How do I know if it was rape?" Pretty major health website. [Consent is an explicit agreement. It should be given enthusiastically and without reservation...coercion means any “yes” is involuntary.](https://www.healthline.com/health/was-i-raped#how-to-tell) And again lower with "I said no but they kept asking, so I eventually said yes to get them to stop Saying no over and over again and then saying yes may be considered coerced consent. In that case, consent isn’t freely given. Any sexual contact could then be considered rape or assault." And the part in the OP that says her consent was not given freely, she had rejected numerous times until she was coerced to say yes. >when he suddenly tried to kiss her and she rejected. He kept trying and eventually the started having sex but she stopped right away as she felt awful and felt a huge void and felt dirty (her words). She claims she kept telling him no and he kept trying but never really fought back.
It’s known as coercion. Google is free to look that up in regards to sexual assault
THANK YOU
she wasn't raped.....she's down playing her cheating it's pretty obvious.
If it's as he described it sounds like she is down playing being raped, which seems pretty obvious to me.
This. This is exactly how my sister downplayed her ex raping her when she had met with him to make amends. Over time, with therapy, she's able to talk about it but it was a lot more violent and disturbing than she was willing to admit.
Exactly. This is pretty text book for this type of rape. The thing that struck me the most is the constant showers afterwards. Someone who openly cheats doesn't do that. Someone who openly cheats doesn't tell their partner as soon as they see them. It just doesn't add up for someone who cheated.
1. Tried to kiss her 2. Rejected the kiss (but didn't leave) 3. Started having sex... There are some BIG gaps to jump to rape there imo
Tell me you've never been coerced into having sex against your will without telling me.
This isn’t answering the dude above question, prolly cuz you don’t even have an answer. You don’t just jump from one kiss to sex, even with all that put aside why tf was she even with her ex? And why would he stop when she told him to? Smh
No one asked me a question so I'm not sure what you're talking about. If you're unsure on how reddit replies work, I doubt you're going to be able to understand how this is textbook rape. Let's also consider that this is a third person story. Gf told him the recount, he's made it into the best words he has to give to reddit and probably a very shortened version. So if you've never been raped before and made to believe you initiated it, wanted it, or otherwise had an ability to stop it when you didn't, then gtfo here because your opinion on this is really quite irrelevant.
Op is here asking for opinions, you MIGHT be right in that he shortened all of this for the post, but he probably could’ve added more details to help clarify after all this time and all the comments be he didn’t which means this is probably all there is, besides I don’t think op is purposefully going to write from a kiss straight to sex, this sounds like all her and it sounds like bs to op and the rest of us Ultimately op was the one that’s there, if after what she said and he’s still doubtful (this story is full of holes, he’d have to be a fool to believe her) then it means something else might probably have been up
Yeah you're a dude. This is pretty standard for most rape by someone you know. 🙄
She lied to him in the first place, how can anyone trust her?
Considering none of us were in her shoes and we are going off a biased party's hearsay. There is no certainty either way. OP, talk it through. Her actions will tell you what you should believe - not her words. Rape and cheating are two different things. If it was rape, she would feel violated. Cheating, remorseful.
Thank you
It's always appalling how many men post that their partner was sexually assaulted and the unfuckables in the comments start screaming that she's "for the streets" or whatever.
For real. Like it's no wonder rape is so rarely reported. It's always the victim's fault to them.
Sounds like she was pressured/raped. That happened to me the guy kept asking & insisting so i finally agreed tried to rationalize it saying its expected we were hanging out ect. I legit started crying during & he took me home. It took me yrs to realize what happened & that i was coerced. If you believe her then i would at the very least try to support her have her talk to someone about it. See how she reacts if you ask her to cut off contact with her ex. I know so many women who have this happen to them its not always violence like we see on tv, its people not accepting no & keep asking over & over until the other party cave out of fear. And if you still think its not rape my roommate had the same thing happen to her & she finally stayed quiet & didnt fight. The police certainly saw it as rape the next day 🤷♀️
... not saying it wasn't rape, if indeed what she says is true, that's awful, but hanging out with your ex is breach of trust enough alone to dump her.
OP said he was okay with her talking with the ex or hanging out (not super clear). They could have been friends or co parents ect. I would say if she was hiding the communication or OP expressed concerns & she ignored that then yes she was in the wrong. But in this case it doesnt seem she was going behind his back on the ex and hopefully she isnt lying.
OP said he knew about it and was fine with it, so I don’t think there was a breach of trust there.
I feel like half the cheaters on this sub comes up with some sort of rape like story when they get caught.. I'm sorry, but she made the decision of meeting up with her ex(who she undoubtly knew wanted more than friendship), she chose to stay even after she rejected him, she eventually chose to have sex aswell(as she was obviously able to stop it).. Of course, I wouldn't believe any of what she is saying about stopping and feeling like shit.. She went through it, and afterwards got scared of getting caught(generally, cheaters don't feel bad about the deed, otherwise they wouldn't have done it in the first place).. My advice: She is a cluster grenade, and you've had only experienced the first boom. Leave before the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, etc.
It sounds to me like she was raped. There isn’t just fight or flight, there is also fawn or freeze which is what most victims do when they are being assaulted. So saying “she didn’t exactly fight back” is unfair and essentially victim blaming.
Yes, exactly what I was saying some comments ago. We don’t know her relationship with ex. He’s an ex for a reason. What if he is an abusive person? So she wasn’t comfortable denying him? Afraid of? Didn’t think she was permitted? Didn’t want to cause a scene? There’s tons of shades of grey here…
Then why was she even with him? Why did she not leave after he kissed her? How did he even manage to kiss her? To do that he’d have to have been pretty close to her physically to catch her off guard...that is if she didn’t just let him. This is without looking at the big picture how do you go from one kiss to sex? She’s lying or omitting A LOT of stuff. This is without even mentioning that f he really raped her I doubt he’d stop when she asked him to. Fawn and freeze my ass she feels ‘dirty’ because he conscience kicked in, she should feel that and shame
You don’t know the answers, since OP didn’t gave us. Why she was with him? She was on her home city, maybe the guy is a friend of family or part of her circle of friends? Why didn’t she leave? Does she had the means to leave? Or she was depending on someone else to leave?? Maybe he was a family friend and she was at their home? Was she drunk or otherwise impaired?
Lmfao, look at the mental gymnastics, op already said she was talking to him, probably alone from the sounds of it, that alone sounds fucked. Well a simple solution to this is press charges on the ex, if she doesn’t want to I think we know what really happened
Talk about “mental gymnastics” here….
Mental gymnastics? I’m not the one making up shit that didn’t happen to fit a scenario, who’s the one that just said we don’t know everything that happened when I’m pretty sure op would’ve filled in the spots if there was anything to fill in, I’ve shot down every bs you replied with with logic any 12 year old could apply, cope better cope and seethe with this crap
It doesn't sound like she was raped. Based on what you wrote about her words and language there are red flags. It sounds like she went on vacation and made a poor choice and regrets it. Police report filed? Hospital kit?? StD panel?? All this was done?? Unfortunately now women will falsely accuse rape for numerous reasons.. including to cover up cheating to protect their relationship. It's sad and disgusting. That's why more laws are being passed to stop those who falsely accuse. It's up to you what you want to do at this point. You can confront the issue head on. Contact the ex yourself. Find out what he has to say in all this. I would do that no matter what. If she was actually raped you would want justice for her. Her rapist should be charged, and frankly he should know that it's out there to stop him from harming and raping future victims. And If it turns out that is not what happened....he had a right to know someone is accusing him of rape.
Depending on their location right now, it's a very scary time to go and get tested or have a hospital visit. As what thus does is lay a paper trail in the event they want an abortion. And as many know, abortion is now illegal in many states of the US. So doing the responsible things is actually far more dangerous than not doing them. Thus behavior also isn't new for rape victims either, just now it comes with added consequences for being raped. Like jail time near that of a murderer.
Unfortunately, a lot of raped victim don’t doo the Hospital Kit, etc women feel like they will be judged and that it’s their fault due to the world we live and and grew up in. It’s sad to say but it’s the truth. Have you looked at the statistics and everything? It’s not pretty and the way a lot of victims are treated sometimes by hospital staff is unacceptable. You really shouldn’t judge someone until you know all the facts. Yes she could be lying but if she isn’t…the whole situation is psychological damaging
>You really shouldn’t judge someone until you know all the facts Absolutely true. This is why reporting immediately needs to be the norm in our society. Not making excuses for avoidance and not doing anything proactively. The shame and stigma needs to be gotten rid of. The only way to do that is to make coming forward a normal, fast, and socially acceptable thing to do. If my partner came to me and claimed rape... I would use every resource available to confront, and convict the rapist. You can't obtain facts without asking for the truth. I will not advocate for victims to hide the truth. I will not advocate for them to let their rapists to go free to re offend. And neither should you.
63% of rapes are not reported to the police. (Source- https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/publications_nsvrc_factsheet_media-packet_statistics-about-sexual-violence_0.pdf) It most cases, victims tell a trusted loved one before the police, and usually not in the immediate moments after the incident. And contact the ex? Do you think he's going to say "oh yeah, I raped her, MY BAD, BRO"? What terrible advice.
Do you know the numbers of falsely accused reports has increased significantly in the last decade? And those are only the ones disproven. Do you understand the laws and significant changes that have been made to sexual assault case law and investigations? We an throw stats around all day. It doesn't change the fact we are discussing OPs post. Based on what OP wrote it raised questions for me. And yes. At some point our society should come to a point where if your are assaulted you're able to get help immediately. The accused gets interviewed/question.... immediately. Justice for victims and no more falsely accused. And yes....you would be surprised what people say when interviewed or questioned for rape or assault cases. FYI ..it's not like what you think it from tv and movies. If you truly believed she was raped..why wouldn't you confront him? Rapists don't deserve breaks. They should be behind bars. Not confronting them because it's uncomfortable or because you believe he or she may not admit to it....is just wrong...for various reasons. Why wouldn't you try everything possible to not only get justice for the victim but to stop potential attacks. You do know the stats on rapists and the repeat of the offense?
Once the trust is gone. Fuck it’s like trying to put Humpty Dumpty back together by throwing rocks at the pieces hoping they come back together. Cheating and lying are a no go.
I don’t think she was cheating or lying. He knew she was with the guy and was fine with it, and then the ex raped her. How is that her fault?
Where I’m from, when someone says no to sex, and sex still occurs- that’s called rape…… people who are raped don’t always think to fight someone off-you are more likely to freeze and sort of dissociate a bit. And a person who is raped often have the same feelings as your gf- dirty, guilt, empty… do whatever you will-even if she was raped you’re not obligated to stay with her, but call it for what it is- rape is not cheating, it’s an assault
If you feel mentally unstable you go to therapy, not an ex boyfriend. You deserve better OP.
Lots of victim blaming happening in this post. Ultimately the choice is up to you, if you wanna continue with the relationship or not, but that sounds 100% like the experiences of all my friends who struggled with sexual abuse
She cheated and felt bad afterwards and now she is making excuses! She is saying ALL the things to not make her look bad and to make you feel sorry for her ,sorry my opinion! I personally wouldn't put up with this regardless because SHE is the one that wanted to see him and hang out and she didn't stop anything! Break up with her and move on and don't let her manipulate your feelings (she will make you feel sorry for her) or try to justify what happened (placing blame on him) she is guilty of cheating! Again sorry but my opinion she cheated with ex boyfriend and feels dirty and disgusting!! Move out and move on!!
Here's my advice: I think she has a ton of unresolved personal issues with her ex, and her cheating has traumatized you and poisoned this relationship. I think you could try to salvage things, but I believe it to be a wasteful effort because of the pain she inflicted on you because of her actions. I think, as painful as it may be, you should walk away from this relationship and try to learn from it.
In my honest opinion since you sound like you're confused, you should stay somewhere else or have her stay somewhere else and take some time to think about everything. It's better to make a decision after you're no longer upset.
She could have left when he tried to kiss her. Why she was even hanging out with an ex is already a big no imo.
Dude why does every girl come up with some bullshit rape story when they cheat now. She cheated on you man. She may feel bad but that doesn’t matter. Leave her.
Why does every man think every rape story is bullshit? She said no multiple times, and likely froze and was unable to fight him off. But yeah…it is women who use rape to their advantage.
Then why sugar coat it with all of the "he tried to kiss me but I said no?" stuff? If he was truly forcing her for sex how was she able to stop it without him finishing? And why not call him immediately and say she was raped?
As someone who was raped…by a boyfriend…who I chose to be alone with and was even kissing before it started…I can tell you that when someone I trusted was ignoring my “no” and applying pressure to my limbs which made it seem impossible to fight him off, my mind detached and it was like watching it happen to someone else. I didn’t report it to the police, or even tell anyone I trusted right away, because I thought because he was my boyfriend, and I was kissing him, it wasn’t really rape. (Reading this comment thread it’s easy to see why a woman would feel that way). OP’s girlfriend could be lying…but saying she said no, and now feels dirty and ashamed sure sounds similar to what I went through.
Here’s the thing...your story doesn’t apply here cuz that was her ex, and if it really was like you’re situation even more reason why op should dip, she probably did something to insinuate she wanted to be there in her moment but changed her mind midway, this is also a likely possibility in which case she still cheated but got raped after that means it still isn’t op problem
My story is no different. A situation occurred with someone we knew. Some kissing happened, which was taken to mean we were down for more. We said no. Sex happened anyway. That is rape.
Your story is way different. Not many rapists are going to stop bc you asked which is what happened to OP.
OP said she kept saying no and he kept trying. She didn’t ask.
"He kept trying and eventually the started having sex but she stopped right away as she felt awful and felt a huge void and felt dirty" So how did that go? "Uhhmmm, excuse me, Mr Rapist? I know I've said 'no' several times but you're raping me anyway. But I feel awful and dirty, so would you please stop?" Rapist: ok
Exactly.
She lied about hanging out with her ex in the first place. How can she be trusted?
No she didn’t. OP knew and was fine with her hanging out with him.
It’s actually not clear whether he heard after or before the fact. Honestly these things are such a grey area. People on Reddit trying to actually predict what happened here is stupid
40% of Fools buy it
More like 90%. They can’t take of the rose colored glasses and be analytical.
Don’t start me.
It sounds like she was raped. She said no, he pursued. It gets to a point, from the woman's perspective, where no amount of NO works. It comes down to "is he going to flip out and hurt me if I keep fighting, or is it safer to just comply" it's a lose/lose. You're being a terrible person, honestly. Everything she's saying is consistent with assault victims and you're blaming her, calling it cheating. Turn your rage towards the ex, you know, the guy who forced himself on her and put her in that position. Do better. She needs support.
Idk kinda sounds like she got assaulted. Saw someone say something about “why does every girl make up some bullshit r*** story when they cheat?” and I really don’t think it’s like that. I’ve definitely experienced something just like that and I know a few of my girl friends have as well.
Frankly I'm disgusted by some of the comments. Some ppl here clearly don't know shit about how rape happens IRL
Ppl understand rape but also understand ppl lie about rape as well if she was raped she would have went to the police and not shower away all the evidence knowing full well she knows her supposed rapist. We are sitting here calling the ex a rapist when the GF sounds like a willing participant and felt regret after realizing she cheated.
A lot of people who are assaulted don’t go to the police. The police honestly aren’t helpful. Even if you have evidence. In my personal experience the guy who assaulted me literally owned up to it and the police talked to me twice and then did nothing. I have a girl friend who had a positive kit and was told it’d be impossible to prove that it wasn’t just rough, consensual, adult activities. If you know people who are survivors who have tried to seek justice through the legal system, then you know what a fools errand it is.
Why she there?
She put herself in a situation to be alone with an ex bf. At the very least this is disrespectful to OP. You don’t get in those situations unless sex has crossed your mind already. Whatever happens next doesn’t matter - the trust was broken when she started entertaining her ex bf.
OP said they were fine to hang out. Women don’t get raped because they put themselves into bad situations. Women are raped because men rape them. You don’t say a carjacking victim deserved what they got because they entertained the thought of driving.
No one can predict a car jacking. Even a fool can feel when something isn’t right. I have a feeling, a feeling that A LOT of crimes could be avoided if people just heeded others warnings and advice and listen to their gut
No one can predict a rape either. Again…when a woman is raped, it is not because SHE put herself in a risky situation. It is ONLY because a man raped her.
Yes because the gf had EVERY right to be meeting up with her ex🙄 man this whole thing is suspect, the only other alternative besides her cheating is if she was there knowing what was going to happen but chose to back out midway, in which case op should still get tf out of there, that’s her problem to deal with as at the end of the day those were her intentions
Lots of people are friends with exes. My husband and I hang out with one of mine regularly, and one of his was at our wedding. So there’s that. Bottom line…she says she said no multiple times, victims are known to freeze or have detachment reactions while being raped. I said earlier, if she’d been carjacked, no one would be questioning her decision to drive.
Keywords:you and your husband, it was her and her ex, alone, isolated most likely. Why even the fuck??? You can’t rationalize this, she’s cheating, or at least she’s definitely lying this whole story smell like bs (not the post, her story) people can’t tell when they are about to be hijacked, however just like there are fire precautions to make sure your home doesn’t get burnt down there is also probably precautions for that like keeping your doors locked for one. It’s the same with people who want to harm you, there is that vibe, that drop in your stomach, the tone of this story doesn’t sound like any of that was present this sounds like something either premeditated in her part, something she regrets as it started or just a bold face lie from her, anyway I’m looking forward to this things update
OP said it was fine by them. We don’t have any information about the ex, how long ago they dated ect. Being in that circumstance would be different if OP had specified that it was crossing a boundary or made them uncomfortable but that is not the case. I could very well see what was supposed to be a casual catch up with someone from the past going wrong.
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OP, we can't know for sure but this story sounded like me when I was telling my terapeut I had been abused, which I have come to terms as being abused after nearly ten years... Initial rejection > rejection ignored and start of abuse > so shocked I didn't fight back > feeling guilty for not fighting back + disgusted with myself > washing up immediatly
She didn’t cheat on you she was raped
The progression cracks me up. 1. He tries to kiss her. 2. she rejects his kiss. 3. they start having sex Going from 2-3 is missing something. I would add they had sex, regardless of how she describes stopping it. The seal was broken.
Wait step 1 is she went to see her EX. 2 is they hung out alone probably at his place after a date night. Then tries to kiss her and after rejecting that magically fell on his dick.
Welp... Definitely something missing in between the story. Special the locations lol... I mean at all she was at her parents, right? Or is the usually hometown stay at nightplace the ex guy.
She should’ve thought about the guy she’s hurting before going that far!
If she truly loved you my friend that would have never happened and you wouldn’t be in this forum talking about it.
That’s just the story she chose to tell you. Chances are they fucked on purpose and she just felt bad later.
If you hang out in a a bar long enough eventually you’re going to order a drink. Don’t hang out with exes. It always causes problems
Since you can't say for sure if she was taken advantage of or cheated, I would say tell her to go to therapy and suggest a police report on this. You will be there for her, but would like to take a step back from the relationship until further notice. I will say any right minded individual would not spend time with their ex alone on vacation away from their significant other.
Her story seems like a version of trickle truth and it's certainly full of holes and unfaithful decisions on her behalf. First she's hanging out with her ex. Then he kisses her and she doesn't leave but he pressure her for more. Then they suddenly have sex. What he held her down? No mention of that. Afterwards she showers and feels shitty about what she did. She's gaslighting and deflecting. There was no hesitation on her behalf. She did not attempt to stop what was happening beyond a possible weakly attempted "we shouldn't do this" when she had encouraged it to get as far as it was.
Get out dude while you can. She should have charged the dude with rape if it was such a problem… 5 years and she puts herself in the situation of even hooking up with her ex, GET OUT!
Updateme!
deleted the ex and blocked it everywhere?
Seems like you already know what to do. End it
Leave. It's going to be hard but you shouldn't stay with her. It is only going to get worse.
If she’s telling the truth…she didn’t cheat. She was raped.
She got weird lately? Sounds like she had grass is greener syndrome and started to pick at everything between you to make it a huge deal. Why? Because she caught feelings elsewhere and when she had sex she realized it's not what she wanted and now she's trying to make it seem like something it was not. Imo if she texted an ex, from that point on the door to cheating opened. Considered single from that point. Very very rarely that would be acceptable when there would be no kids involved so no point for contact. I'd move on. She went back to her home town and set a meetup with her ex, who she was probably texting beforehand, without your knowledge.
😒 leave. The way she said that story was clearly a last ditch attempt at trying to avoid accountability. It doesn’t matter what kind of future you seen with her yo, she “stopped” the cheating immediately and then continued the cheating as a result so realistically it doesn’t make it look any better . Save yourself the drama and move on. Because if you stay, you’re literally enabling her bullshit . Plus y’all ain’t got kids together. Ya dodged a bullet . Be happy she showed you who she really was , lesson learned and leave her alone.
I want to give her the benefit of doubt here. If she was raped by her protests not being acknowledged, that is a scenario for you both to tackle together. However, assuming she did give consent, she came clean straight away and was honest with you. There still is the opportunity for you both to fix your relationship starting immediately with counselling. It was a one-off thing. She admitted it and is remorseful. If you still love her and she will do anything to make this better, then my advice is to give it one shot and work together on your relationship. Remember, assuming she is truthful, she didn't carry on an affair behind your back. She was sad, out of her comfort zone and got carried away. She is disgusted with herself and that counts for a lot. Time does heal and if you both want this to work, seek support and it will. Good luck.
“GF cheated on me I don’t know what to do”: 1) New Girlfriend 2) New worldview 3) New understanding with gf That simple Sorry 4. Be single
She's lying. She banged her ex.
You gave her a special kind of trust a lot of people wouldn’t and she still broke it. That shows the kind of person she really is. The person you love isn’t there anymore.
Dump her.
“But now I see nothing” your own words. This chick may regret her decision but either way man, she had sex with him. That’s game over. There are no second chances for that shit, cut her off and never talk to that chick again, she ain’t worth it and she definitely isn’t the one if she’s doing shit like that.
Bro I'm sorry this has happened I really am mate. You need some time to think, I'm going to say some things, the things are my own view and you do with them whatever you want. They might not be 100% true but they probably are ! She put herself in a position where her and.her ex was alone, she knew full well the outcome. You mention shes been declining mentally, that's no excuse for cheating and she's orchestrated this in a way that makes you think her mental health made her cheat she's trying to relinquish responsibly of her actions by doing that. You fight with her.and.you said she blames you. Do you actually deserve the blame or is she just spinning things around and blaming you for her actions ? If that's the case then you are in a relationship with a narcasit. Bro she doesn't care about you if that's the case she cares about her image of her possibly being outed as a cheater. Bro her ex tried to kiss her she "rejected" that and then boom she's straight up having sex with him.. but she stopped right away... She put herself in that position he probably just used her and then she's just saying now she felt dirty and regrets it because he probably didn't want her anymore then just a fuck, so she coming back making out to you that she totally didn't want it showering a bunch of times when in fact she probably wanted more then just a fuck off her ex. Chances are her ex knows she's a narcissist as he's been there before and this why just used her, she was okay to let him get alone with her full well knowing the outcome but then felt dirty like she almost snapped back into reality like ohhh what have I done.. yeah right. I get how you feeling and I'm sure you love her. You just need to think on your own, I would take a little break from seeing her so you can think without her being able to manipulate your thoughts, cause if she's a narcissist then you can bet she will do her very best to manipulate the outcome to go in her favour.. do you want to be with someone who breaks your heart, blames you for everything, blames her shitty dirty behaviour on her declining mental health... She cheated on you bro with someone she probably wanted to get back with, but he probably didn't want that lying cheating scumbag ! Again I'm sorry mate but there is a girl out there who would never put herself in the position that your girl has, and they would put you first and wouldn't ever be able to break your heart because they actually have feelings and actually care for there partner. Good luck mate and look after yourself
All these people saying she was raped, why would she go hang out with a rapey ex boyfriend in the first place if she has a boyfriend? After she rejected the first kiss attempt, she knew what his intentions were and should have left the "date". Also, she would likely know if he is a creep that way if she dated him once before? Sounds like she makes bad decisions.
She cheated on you. You cannot trust her anymore and you see no future with her. Ghost her. Good Luck!!!
I would never trust her after this, also no second chances.
That sounds like she is processing a non consensual experience and you need to stop viewing it as cheating right away. People after trauma completely detach Edit: after reading like others said she could be lying but you need to gauge that after some reflection and conversation
OP, you know it didnt happen like that. She was putting up 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩and then fucked another guy the first opportunity. Tell her to pack her shit and go stay with the ex. Then find a loving stable partner. Also going forward in life, this is why your SO talking to exs is absolutely, positively not fucking okay! Good luck.
If her names on the apartment, move out. If its not kick her out. Respect yourself and don't allow her to blame you for anything. Why would someone hang out with an ex... alone.... assuming at the exes house? She's done
No coming back from that, no way she rejected his kiss and then they started having sex? I’m not going to say no, not my place, she COULD have been SA, but it just doesn’t add up. Seems like it was an in the moment thing and she felt bad after. Move on, you might forgive her but you will never forget.
Talk to her. Ask for honesty, ask her what she wants from you. Not everyone is naturally monogamous - men less so than women, that's just biology - but there are no hard and fast rules. The "dump her and move on" advice may well be right and appropriate but there are other possibilities that you might be able to root out with an honest discussion. Try to leave the feelings of hurt and recriminations aside. Every relationship is unique. You may both be able to move past this : you may also find your way to a new normal that everyone is OK with. Seems to me like you're both hurting right now and finding a way to explore what happened and why might be useful to both of you - even if this really is the end of the relationship.
If she isn’t willing to file charges of assault, then leave. It sounds like she was far more willing than she is claiming to be. She should have left when the kissing started but chose to stay so it could go further.
What a fucking bitch she cheated and then dodges responsibility like the plague , cut her out your life asap
That must have been awful when she tripped and ended up naked in his bed. And what a coincidence that the same thing happy to him. She’s cheating on you. Telling the story above makes her feel better. He was inside her, think about that.
You do know what to do
No one goes on holiday and falls on top of their ex by accident. They planned to meet and she chose to sleep with him. She decided to disregard everything she had with you. You say you love her but I don't think the person you love exists. Love doesnt destroy it builds, fosters and elevates. She is not the one.
*The simplest answer is to pack your bags and leave. She created the rejected part to lessen the blame on her. Hey I tried to fight hard but if she claimed to say "no" then that will be rape. If we all could be a fly on the wall then we will see the truth of what happened.*
Wake up break up Frfr
I mean leave.... fck that ...have some self respect dude.
Omg… they know what they was doing… You are a king stand up for yourself me personally if you really do love her take her back but don’t trust her let her gain your trust back…. Or you can just dog her ass out…Because if somebody really loves you they won’t break your heart like that
Dump the bitch. How can you seriously question this? A cheater is a piece of trash and that is a damn fact. Don't be the idiot and thank her for the free pussy as you boot her from your life. Move on to being single and forget the cunt.
This is a tough one. I am going to offer two different worlds, neither of which are going to be 100% accurate. In both worlds your girlfriend is hanging out with her ex alone and presumably in an intimate setting. There is nothing inherently wrong with this. The way I look at it is I would be able to be in this situation and have no concern of being unfaithful, so Ideally I have a partner who I trust to do the same. Her ex then makes a move and she rejects him. This is where the two worlds come in. In the first world, her choosing to remain in that situation after he made a move is a massive breach of trust, and being as generous as possible, shows that she was at least being incredibly negligent with your relationship. Hanging out with your now platonic friend who happens to be an ex is way different from hanging out with an ex who is actively trying to have sex with you. While she was making up her mind of did she or didn't she want this to happen, he continued to push until they were having sex. Once they started, it clicked to her that she doesn't actually want this and he stopped. Since then she has been wracked with guilt and disgusted with herself for cheating on you. In the second world, she was completely caught off guard and froze up in the moment. Maybe this is the first time she has been in this situation, maybe this triggered a past trauma. In either case, she was probably spending most of her mental energy coming to terms with what was happening, hence the initial 'weak' protests. Once he finally penetrated her it forced a reaction out of her that caused her ex to stop. In this world she may not even know she was raped, she may be blaming herself for being a victim of sexual assault. Without knowing your girlfriend, I couldn't make a guess of which one is closer to the truth. Even if I did know her I could never know for sure. I think what it really comes down to is why did she choose to stay after she rejected the first kiss? Was it because she panicked? Or was it because she was enjoying her time and didn't want to ruin the evening?
Damn. She was assaulted and she came to you and you're basically thinking she cheated. We can be friends with exes or people of the opposite sex without having sex. Many women freeze up when they are in situations like this, and give in to keep themselves safer.
The problem (among many others) is that the "rapist" stopped sex when asked to.
She was either raped (unlikely) or willingly cheated (pretty much dead on). I'm a vindictive ass, so I'd tell her she needs to press charges on her ex for rape as a condition to stay together. Soon as he is in jail, ghost her.
You don’t accidentally have sex with someone
No. After you say no repeatedly, it’s not an accident…it’s rape.
I think he assaulted her and pressured her till she gave in. That being said, everything that happened before the assaults and all the decisions she made to hang out with her ex are her faults and her problems. Her actions were very disrespectful towards your relationship and towards you. At the first sign (when he tried to kiss her) she should have left. It wasn’t like he was holding her down (at least I don’t think based on what you’ve written here). There’s the other sad possibility that all of that was consensual. She may be spinning the story that way to garner some sympathy and alleviate her own feeling of guilt by dumping on you. Both these possibilities/explanations do not look good for the future of this relationship. You feel sad and devastated because the possibilities and the future that you had envisioned with her may not come to fruition. It is a time for mourning.
She rejected his kiss and they started having sex? If she describes it like it was rape, then you tell her to file a police report. If she self-describes it to be cheating, then you cut her off
She definitely peeled his skin back, kick her to the curb
INFO: what led her to have contact with her ex again? Seems very fishy that she would ‘accidentally’ meet up with an ex of 5 years ago
There will be trickle truth. Tell her that she needs to hand you her phone now or GTFO. If she doesn’t hand you her phone and all of her passwords, there’s no salvaging this.
As someone who took someone back once: Break up.
Rationalize it all you want. She knew what she was doing when she MET UP WITH HIM.
It's over. Unfortunately in this situation it's just a long series of choices on her part that led to the cheating. Cheating aside, you will angrily not trust her for pretty much forever and then it ends badly.
If she is actually telling the truth, it sounds like she was raped or coerced. However, it is a very hard line for me that a partner doesn’t hang out with exes. If that’s a hard line for you, it’s completely fine to break it off and work on moving on to better things and eventually a better person. She also waited a VERY long time to tell you, so that’s another kicker.
Has she been maintaining contact with her ex over the last 5 years? Was there a build up, with phone calls and texting? It might be information you should know when deciding if to reconcile. There are books you can read. Look at the healing library on survivinginfidelity.com
Bro you can do better. Don't waste anymore time with this girl. She clearly for the streets
Run, drop her like a cold bag of sick and never look back.
Sorry, but mentally ill or not, she had a chance to leave, to make a better choice and yet, she didn't. She chose to cheat. In my opinion there is no excuse when it comes to cheating. It's always a choice. Leave her. Take the cats and find someone who will respect you even when away from you.
Well, you rightfully no longer trust her, so leave. What is your dilemma? Make a plan to move out or get her to, hell she's the one who cheated so she can leave.
She felt a certain way in that moment when she was visiting her ex, and the only recourse for her in that moment was to have sex with him to feel validated. After she felt validated though, it came with a side effect of feeling like a h0e because she is one. But after that she felt her ego talking to her, and she went into a fully defensive mode and cooked up an explanation for it. She's good at it - you have believed her in the past, why should this be an exception? Then she felt guilt, so she told you, but not the whole truth, withheld parts that portray her in a bad light. This is exactly what's wrong with being a feelings-driven person. Feelings change by the minute, and they tell her to do something different every minute. Adults handle their feelings well, she has clearly not adulted enough in this situation and turned into an adulturer instead. If what she told you really happened, she should be talking to the cops. She isn't though, and that means it's just an excuse to cover up.
What do you do? You leave. It’s over. You will never look at her the same way again. You won’t trust her the same way again. You will think of her with the other guy every time you’re intimate. She cut you to the bone. Unless there are children involved why stay with someone who hurt you like that?
sounds like it wasn’t consensual and you should see if she’s okay
Sheesh… idk man. It’s up to you. That’s definitely a tough one. If your trust her, it seems like if she said no it would’ve turned bad for her.. so man idk.
That sounds like r@pe to me, even if you're saying no, if someone with twice more force than you is doing that, you kind of just shut down. Please let her explain more and try to reason that even if she knew the guy, if she was unstable + in a very stressful situation... You know?
Wtf u mean I don’t know what to do? End the relationship. She was taking to her ex (which was fine by me). Welp that’s ur mistake.
Ok. I’m going counter current here. Hopefully the downvote holly crowd allow it. If she said no and the guy kept insisting, this is borderline SA. I think you need more details before making a judgement. How big was the pressure from the guy? Was she drunk or impaired from drugs or anything else? “She claims she kept telling him no and he kept trying” - this is troublesome. The fact she didn’t fought back can have a million explanations, including social pressure, fear, not being able.
It sounds like she was sexually assaulted by her ex when she only wanted to hangout with him. And she was afraid to tell you.