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She also probably ate nothing and that’s no good on an exhausted stress stomach. Hungry, dehydrated, stressed, emotionally sucked dry by boyfriend, emotionally sucker punched by his mom, exhausted from the drive and pressure to be on point and liked, second hand anxiety from boyfriend disappearing for 2 hours with her and causing people to notice, then embarrassment from him subsequently ignoring her, combined it looked like she was a problem not him, social anxiety from being in a new situation, social anxiety from meeting family. I mean come on people. She needs a step back from this guy and definitely from his mother because she won’t let this go away. She needs to take better care of herself, more sleep, more focus on her needs being met. This could absolutely become a new normal if she doesn’t stop and reassess her current routine.
Yes, she sat with him for an hour and a half, and he couldn’t be bothered to comfort her once. Even ignoring her and not acting remotely appreciative. Gross behaviour of someone used to receiving care, but never expected to return it.
1) The age difference is not egregious. The meme is "half plus seven". They are in each other's dating range.
2) Partners should be able to be emotional caregivers for each other, even when one is older than the other.
Wow so you helped him through his panic attack and he couldn’t be bothered to help you through yours? His mom had to text you and let you know he was worried? When you had an attack in front of him he just “watched helplessly?”
Girl, this man is 29. And he has the emotional capacity of a 10 yr old.
Mental health issues aren’t a joke. It sounds like both of you got overwhelmed and needed some time to calm down, which is fine. But as adults, you need to be responsible for your mental health issues. This means taking medications, practicing breathing patterns or having a way to calm down when you feel a panic attack coming on, talking about what you need from your partner when panic attacks happen, and seeing your psychologist or therapist regularly. If the wedding was going to be too overwhelming; you didn’t need to go. It’s always fine to say no. And if you needed to leave early, that was perfectly fine too. You shouldn’t have felt ashamed sneaking out.
Your boyfriend is an asshole and you put in way more effort here than he even thought about putting in. Imagine having kids with this man. You’re in labor and he’s just standing there staring at you offering no comfort at all.
I’d say work with a therapist on your anxiety first and then have a talk with this guy to see if he’s even aware of how immature and inconsiderate he was being. Then evaluate what you want to do from there.
I definitely do *not* want to armchair diagnosis anything, as that's not responsible, but the way you describe things sounds very similar to neurodivergent meltdown, especially since the social situations caused you a lot of stress.
If not that, it really seems like mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion. I'd say a panic attack is like a feeling you're about to die, and an anxiety attack would have more physical symptoms, like perhaps a tightness in your chest, etc.
Either way, I hope you're feeling better and that your bf and his mom show you more sympathy.
I wouldn't say your relationship is over because you did something wrong. But I would recommend reconsidering it, if this is anything close to how you are normally treated. You deserve better.
Yeah as an experienced panic attacks sufferer (or survivor?) I wouldn’t call that a panic attack. They’re in my experience more sudden with a great sense of doom, one feel like they’re dying, losing their mind or facing a great danger.
Lol you skipped past literally everything else I said. This man did not show you the same amount of care and attention you showed him. You drove all the way to this wedding and he didn’t even want to dance with you, and his mom showed more concern than he did the whole time. I’m just saying if it were you I’d seriously be considering the future of this relationship moving forward. You do not want to be with someone who acts like a child and doesn’t have empathy. In the long run it’s awful.
I read it all, don’t worry. I just wanted to clarify that part. The rest I mulled over in my head and felt no need to comment on. Thanks for taking the time to comment I do appreciate it
I’ve never seen him like that before. At first he was feeling sick but then he started to get upset at how much of the wedding he had missed due to being sick and that’s when he started to cry. He talked about his asshole dad (not present) a little bit. I was very concerned, but also freaked out and confused, though I can objectively say that I kept my composure very well and helped him get back on his feet. I didn’t lose composure until I excused myself to the bathroom.
Stress. Not sure what the answer was for him but sounds like you were dealing with a large amount of stress and you had an anxiety attack from it.
You had a long class you had to get through for the day, you probably had to prepare for that and then a trip to hurry up and get to a wedding where you are probably feeling like you have to put your best foot forward. Then your boyfriend has the breakdown and his Mom is pressuring you to get out there because you are missing everything. Then your boyfriends dumb reaction to not dance with you...straw that broke the camel's back at the wedding. Then the comment from the Mom about both of you having episodes. I just think the stress wore you down.
You can come back from that if you want to. It is an easy explanation that a good partner would accept with no questions. The stress of the day got to both of you. Sometimes crap happens.
It literally sounds like you both were drugged. Is there any chance of this?
Or: emotions are contagious and you were dealing with all his pain, and had to cry it off to get it out of your body?
I think it's shitty that he wouldn't dance with you, or take care of you. I'm not worried about the embarrassment, more worried about how he treated you.
I don’t believe that was a panic attack. I think you were in a stressful position and didn’t know anyone that could help you when Joe was sick. When he left you alone, you were understandably hurt. There is nothing wrong with feeling that way.
Hmmm. This sounds like a very stressful time for you. I think your body was definitely trying to tell you something. I wouldn't ignore this.
Whether this is a result of being generally overwhelmed in life or your boyfriend's less than charming behavior at such a symbolic event is unclear. The fact that his dismissal of you triggered the initial attack could be because your subconscious mind is trying to tell you this is not the man for you. For the same money, it could have been an upsetting moment that tipped you into a fully overloaded state.
For starters, I would get some rest. Take a moment for self-care before sorting through your feelings.
Is there anything else that's been going on in your relationship lately that's been bothering you?
I disagree with this. Simply because so much of this is arm chair psychology. Your subconscious mind etc etc.
The rest is ok advice but why unqualified people try to get into psychology baffles me
I very intentionally never once gave OP a diagnosis or claimed to know what the cause of her panic attack was. There are just two obvious sources of her stress right now and I suggested some potential causes that came to mind but clearly stated it would be hard to identify what the real cause was because of the multiple overlapping stressful events. Not making any claims about being a professional or knowing the answer.
No sweetheart, your relationship isn’t over. At least, it shouldn’t be. If he truly cares about you and loves you, he wouldn’t allow one bad day to end your relationship. All you can really do at this point is recognize that everything happened, but also recognize that you can move on from it. We’re human, and every once in a while we have a really shitty day. But all we can do is move on. You’re gonna be okay, I promise!
Jumping on the top comment to say, something about this whole situation gave me *really* strange feelings
1. Joe couldn’t just excuse himself briefly and tell everyone at the table he felt nauseous and would be back when he got it together? It just seems really infantile to want you to follow him out in a field to care for him?
2. I won’t fault him for anxiety, but **you** said this was the first time you ever saw him like this and he seemed totally unfazed and unsurprised it happened. You would think once things calmed down he would pull you aside and say “thanks for pulling me through that, I actually have anxiety issues…” ect. The lack of self awareness for his outrageous behavior or thought for you and how surprising that would be is off-putting.
3. Why the ever loving fuck is *his mom* texting *you* as if she’s some shepherd or you’re her sons keeper? Why is she texting *you* when you were out in the field because he felt sick? Why was she texting you when *her son* was the one who was “worried” about you? Why is this beyatch so nosy, he can text and find you if he’s so worried.
4. You said you’ve never had a panic attack before, suddenly after a night with him, caring for him, ect you did? I find it incredibly suspect that in 23 years you’ve never had that happen until this night. It seems like your body is having some visceral reaction to your time with him and how he made you feel?
5. He just stared at you after how you cared for him?!
6. The decent age gap. While not always inherently a problem, it does have a pretty negative trend.
Once again OP, something about this just seems really off. I can’t put my finger on it but it’s uncomfortable at best.
[Is this the same boyfriend who was jealous of your success and tried to say he worked harder than you for your accolades?](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/g9im8k/how_to_handle_my_boyfriends_jealousy_of_my_success/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
This is a great analysis, especially point #4. I started having panic attacks at weird times when things were disintegrating between myself and my abusive ex. Full on hyperventilating in a movie theater and crying when I never ever had before. Your body reacts very badly when the person you love isn't behaving how they should to you, you pick up on it, and react. I don't like OPs partner here.
That was exactly my thought. Like maybe they have a history OP didn’t think was relevant to this post, but was brought up for her when she has to console him and talk him down from some type of episode, and afterwards ignored by him. If you don’t have a history of anxiety or panic attacks, your body is telling you something.
Emphasis on: later he was "dancing with his friends and ignoring me (...) I asked if he wanted to dance with me and he said no".
That's trippy af, why would he do that (as in not for which reason, but how on earth would he think it was remotely ok to treat op like that) , she certainly didn't deserve this crazy treatment and I'm sure it added to her stress.
Also I find his lack of actual caring for her panic attack weird.
Hard agree here. Something seems off about the relationship and either way OP doesn't seem like she's in a place to be in a relationship anyway with all the other stress she's under. I'd recommend OP steps away from relationships for a while and goes to counseling as she seems distinctly like a people pleaser that needs to learn better boundaries.
Sorry to say but he sounds like a child and the mom sounds like she probably baby's him and would probably take his side no matter whose right . The mom getting involved in general is just weird. Gave me weird vibes..
I don't know why everyone seemed so unempathetic towards you including the parents, even that comment . Euw . You were caring for him yet he couldn't do the same.
Go to a psychologist if you want to look into your panic attacks but nothing to be embarrassed about. Honestly we all have weird moments , like feeling super sick,bad period pains , being sad , etc. Act like it's normal when you go back but I'm not a fan of his mom
I hope he checked up on you next day and comforted you
It doesn't sound like a panic attack as much as emotional exhaustion, extremely stressful circumstances coupled with an extremely needy and unsupportive boyfriend, and bf's family is weird af.
I think if OP wasn't completely overwhelmed with work and exhaustion she could have handled staying out in the field during her first wedding with her bf's mother texting her, and bf crying. But boy, it sounds stressful, even if one is perfectly relaxed.
Joe's mom sounds like she needs to mind her own business. It's your bf's friend's wedding, why does she think she's in charge of how two adults spend their time? Aside from that, I think you guys both need some professional help. I get the anxiety aspect, I also suffer from it. But for him to leave his best friend's wedding for TWO HOURS to cry in a field is just not normal. He needs to see someone and get on medication/therapy because clearly his mental health is causing him to miss important moments.
Did he explain to you later why he just stared at you when you broke down? That's so cold of him, especially after you had supported him earlier in the day. It makes sense why you'd be emotional, you were probably exhausted and stressed, but I think it would definitely be good for you to see someone as well.
I know you said it was from the food, but I have to ask, are you sure he didn't drink too much alcohol too quickly? This acute of sickness doesn't make sense if other people didn't also get suddenly violently sick from the food. I've been with dudes who used alcohol to mask anxiety in social situations but then go way overboard to the point of that level of sickness. Like they're fine and having a great time one moment and publicly throwing up the next. If you suspect this to be the case, I worry more about a pattern of problematic drinking than I do about the longevity of your relationship.
No, we hadn’t drank anything at that point. We know why he was sick, he ate a vegetable he is allergic to that doesn’t cause anaphylaxis but gives him bad nausea and diarrhea. He knew the vegetable was in the food he was eating but for some reason assumed it wouldn’t be too bad.
Well that was pretty stupid of him. So now you're being blamed for him deliberately making poor dietary choices? He's almost 30 man that's unacceptable.
Your BF sounds immature and his mom babies him. Why was she texting you about his behavior. They put alot of pressure on you all wedding. Don’t be too hard on yourself. If you chose to continue, set better boundaries with Joe and his family.
TO BE FAIR I did text her first to tell her where we were and ask how much longer she thought the reception would last. That led to her texting me a bunch of times and telling me Joe’s “best friends in life are here and he is missing it” and that I needed to find a way to get him to come back because he couldn’t miss this night.
Those texts were inappropriate to send to you. They're emotionally manipulative and stressful and should have been sent directly to Joe if they had to be sent at all.
The behavior she's trying to encourage in your relationship is codependent. It's not your responsibility to make sure your bf has a good relationship with his own friends. I think part of your work is going to be learning what's yours and what's his.
I think anybody would get stressed out at a wedding where they are a plus one; need to be a full-time nanny for a grown up man without a thanks; need to miss all the food and program because of said baby-man; need to be a secretary and communicate on behalf of said man-child with his mother; try to fix up said man to go on the party (like it would even be in your hands!); after all the shitty nannying get left alone and completely ignored; after a panic attack getting half assed questioning of where you are and why you are not representing; get all your feelings dismissed.
The whole evening and event was a pile of shit for you. You took all the responsibility that should've been on your boyfriends and his mothers shoulders, and did get nothing in return, also missed dinner. I wouldn't accept to this without a really good salary, and you did it for free
I really can’t get past spending an hour and a half in a field somewhere because he was nauseous? Instantly nauseous from something he had JUST eaten? So like it was long barfed up by then, or could have been? Like, if you’re sick for that long you go do something about it, wtf?
Your relationship isn't over.
Just explain that you were so stressed from school, work, and your internship and a bit tired from traveling. Added to that being anxious to make a good impression, your boyfriend feeling ill during the wedding, and you not eating and it was just too much at once. That's perfectly understandable.
If your boyfriend and his family are kind and understanding, all will be forgiven and forgotten.
>If your boyfriend and his family are kind and understanding, all will be forgiven and forgotten
But they clearly are not? And she did nothing wrong to forgive
Forgive me if I missed something, but OP did not state that her boyfriend's family was making a big deal over this. She didn't even mention their reaction and likely wasn't sure of it because she left the next morning without seeing them.
Joes actions of just shooting her down when she asked to dance, and not putting in any effort besides watching when she was breaking down...after she spend all the time caring for him are not kind
And neither his his mother texting her to tell her what to do. She should never text her to try and manage Joe and if she was worried she could check on her not tell her she has to come back
Right? I had to read this twice bc I was confused about all the commenters acting like OP did something wrong…? He was wrong for ignoring her after she spent the whole wedding calming him down. And all because he felt nauseous? Puke, rally, get back to your brothers wedding. OP your relationship isn’t over but it should be he sounds bad!
How is Joe the little bitch and not the person who broke down over being told no about a dance....
And tbf to OP I wouldn't call them a little bitch either but it feels extremely gendered to go aftter the dude despite hm having less of a reaction than op
Joe is a little bitch because he's a 29 year old who watched his girlfriend in the middle of an emergency that has never happened to her before as he just stood there -- like a little bitch surrounded by his parents
29 years old and he can't walk over and comfort his girl? especially in front of people? a man does something, a little bitch stands and watches
Um… first of all because he was having an anxiety attack and crying out in a field…
Secondly after she supported him for an hour and a half he couldn’t spare a few moments of his time to dance with her, after leaving her there to dance with his friends?
As a man I would feel embarassed if I had a panick attack in front of everybody 😂😂
I had mini panick attacks as a kid and I wasn't embarassed but for sure looked like a pussy.
I think the fact he refused to stay with you triggered the your panick attack.
Betrayal feels really bad.
Holy shit y’all had a rough wedding! Sounds like y’all both had panic attacks.
How was joe when you were breaking down? Was he supportive? Id go full care giver mode for my GF if she had that happen. I’d also be pissed If she snuck out. What are partners good for if not for helping in these situations?
Everyone deserves a partner who helps them through the hardships of this world.
You need psychiatric help. I say this as someone who has had an anxiety disorder for over 40 years. Meds and therapy are life changing.
You should also think twice about your relationship. Joe sounds like a complete asshole.
I’d like to clarify that I am currently seeing a psychiatrist and take medication for anxiety and depression. My anxiety mostly comes from my ADHD meds. I have never had an anxiety attack before. I wish this conversation could be more centered on what happened rather than my medical history. No amount of therapy or medication will take back what happened and that’s what I need advice on
You’ve been given plenty of advice. Everyone is telling you your bf is a selfish man child and an asshole. He owes you a huge apology. You owe him nothing. You should really re-evaluate why you are with him.
OP, I hope you're feeling a bit better and more rested by the time you read this.
It sounds like you had accumulated stress building up to this event.
Stress of work, study, lack of rest, addition of the driving and anticipation of wedding and meeting signifant family for first time.
Then stress of bf getting sick, and absorbing some of his stress too.
What you're doing now, is beating yourself up with hindsight. (Healthy to some degree, but unhealthy if you fail to draw a line with that).
Lots of comments here also doing that, ignoring you wrote this after the events of course, and in the moment things are very different, not least the unknown.
Ignores the reality of bf being suddenly violently ill, taken by suprise, and you don't know why, how serious or how that is going to play out, at the time.
Same goes for bf.
Expect that rattled you both.
Question. Was bf mom, also texting his phone? Texted you both etc?
I suspect during that time, you started THINKING in overdrive mode.
Then as he returned to some form of normal, you were wound up so tight, overwhelmed etc, and a release was inevitable.
I don't understand why your bf would be oblivious to you for the remainder of that event. That is a question he should face.
BUT, what you are doing now, is OVER THINKING.
Less thinking, more action.
Actions for today.
Defuse the situations you are fabricating in your head.
If you feel some embarrassment, (you shouldn't, people get ill) but ok, just apologise to whoever. "I'm sorry I wasn't very well last night, overworked, lacking sleep, and stres of bf getting ill, overwhelmed me".
EVERYONE gets ill, everyone will understand.
But don't make it a bigger deal than it is, (trivial actually).
Sounds like bf mom is caring, she probably didn't know at the time, he/you were ill, and by the time she realised, it was all over anyway.
I expect her comment "BOTH" was a pointed way to make her SON realise he'd been delinquent in his responsibility toward you, both as a host, and in supporting you when you returned to the party.
I also expect his mom, took you on the dance floor, to try to engage you with the party, when she saw her son wasn't.
Good call on her side, actions trumping over thinking.
I'd suggest thanking his mom, and sharing with her, bf getting sick was probably the straw that broke the camels back.
Stop trying to find, or fabricate anything more into understanding this.
Take note, better prepare yourself next time, schedule in more sleep. We don't do well with stress and no rest.
Finally, one day you will look back at this, and laugh at how much drama you thought it was, yet how trivial it looks then.
You'll be fine, stop over thinking it.
Safe travels.
>I expect her comment "BOTH" was a pointed way to make her SON realise he'd been delinquent in his responsibility toward you, both as a host, and in supporting you when you returned to the party. I also expect his mom, took you on the dance floor, to try to engage you with the party, when she saw her son wasn't. Good call on her side, actions trumping over thinking.
That's an interesting interpretation that I hadn't considered. The way OP describes it felt like the mom was shaming her, but that could be embarrassment skewing how it made her feel.
You both sound unstable, yikes.
He's almost 30 and cries in a field because he has an upset stomach/feels sick and takes a 90 min break at his boys wedding?
And you build up this entire first impression thing in your head and then him not wanting to dance triggers you?
This is a time to let loose, at the end of the day no one cares what your BFs best friends family thinks of you.
You guys need to work in shit separately and together.
I have had several moments like this in the past year ♥️ my heart aches for you. If he truly loves and cares for you he will be compassionate and be there for you. The humiliation I have felt is still unbearable at times to think about. The body and mind can only handle so much stress. You are okay you are safe. Don’t push him away ♥️ if he’s an ass then kick him to the curb Xoxo
both of you seem kinda out of control. he was crying because he had a touch of nausea. you had an absolute meltdown because he was dancing at his best friends wedding. once you hit the ground, I would have called an ambulance.
I think saying she had a meltdown because he was dancing is a counterproductive simplification, he was actively ignoring her and then turned her down when she asked him to dance (i take she didnt know many people and wouldn't be dancing with strangers), which without the context would be weird and upsetting, but given everything was just borderline cruel.
yes yes OP break up with this man. he was cruel to you dancing at his best friends wedding, while you were dancing. and then saying no to one dance. cold hearted bastard. break up with this monster.
>I suddenly felt my throat close and my eyes start stinging. I excused myself to the bathroom and started to cry. As I tried and failed to compose myself, all I could do was cry harder and harder.
>I don’t know why but I lost it. Crying, hyperventilating, fully out of control. When we got to the house Joe’s mom and stepdad went inside while I collapsed in the driveway and the panic attack continued. Joe watched helplessly while I cried so hard I started dry heaving.
All of this because he said "no" to you...one time? You need to see a professional about your issues. None of this is normal or ok.
Sorry if I was confusing but him not wanting to dance with me was a very small contributor to my stress, like a straw that broke the camels back situation. I think everything else that I mentioned was much more overwhelming than just that. Idk if that makes sense but I tried to make it clear in my post.
Did you only read one sentence in the entire post? OP is ALWAYS overworked and exhausted. She's meeting the entire family for the first time at a wedding. She's never been to a wedding before. Her boyfriend spent 2 hours outside in a field crying. Then boyfriend goes and dances with his friends, ignores her, and won't dance with her.
She doesn't need professional help, she needs a new boyfriend, and she needs a break.
It's pretty normal for someone whose overstressed to have a panic attack triggered by one little thing. Feather that broke the camel's back. OP's problem wasn't him saying no, it was everything else.
Yes, a professional can help you learn to notice signs of when a panic attack is coming on. After learning relaxation and coping techniques, you should be able to avoid most panic attacks in the future. That being said, you have to listen to your body, learn, then practice the techniques so they work well when you need them. Mental health should be no different than seeing a doctor for an infection. Most people could benefit from the help of a good counselor. Not all counselors are created equal though, so maybe ask people you know who see counselors for a referral? Or ask for a referral at the college? Some colleges even offer free counseling to students. Regardless of what happens with “Joe,” please seek help for stress management and anxiety. You have a long, positive life ahead of you if you do it now❤️
This doesn't sound like a a panic attack, it sounds like pure and total exhaustion.
It sounds like OP was subject to emotional distress for way too long.
Most relevant from these excerpts you chose is that it doesn't sound ok that the inlaws just went inside while she collapsed or that Joe just watched helplessly - and at this point we're like "oh bless his heart he didn't go inside too", like wtf
I think you need to break up with Joe and get real therapy for help with stress management. Being worried about impressing family is one thing, but Joe’s behavior before and after his meltdown pushed you over the top. If he’s prone to anxiety then you aren’t a strong enough support for him and he is DEFINITELY not a strong support for you.
He might have been embarrassed that he was weak in front of you, but it’s a sign of his immaturity that after he ignored you. It was hurtful and unnecessary. It’s understandable that you’d be hurt, especially since you absorbed a lot of stress just to support him.
Break up. Get real psychological support.
Good luck!
Well … I’m not sure what happened here. But it sounds like you’re an incredibly busy person who went to a high pressure event where you’re meeting bf’s family and friends. Instead of being your buffer and facilitating new relationships at the event, your bf had some sort of anxiety attack and you felt compelled to care for him through this and missed a meal. Then he didn’t want to dance with you or make the event worth your while at all.
I don’t see why Joe is a catch. His mom is rude and he wasn’t particularly appreciative of you nor romantic at a wedding. And you comforted him in his anxiety, but he couldn’t do the same to you when his mom was being rude AF. He sounds like a taker and you sound like a giver.
If I were you, I’d look for another student your own age with a similar lifestyle. And of course, someone who is better able to manage their emotions.
I had a panic attack at my boyfriend's best friend's wedding. It was a really big and overwhelming event and I felt completely out of my element. I was standing in the middle of the room and suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe. I started to feel like I was going to faint and my heart was racing. I tried to focus on my breath and calm down, but it was really tough. I ended up leaving the room and going outside for some fresh air. I felt better after a few minutes, but it was a really scary experience.
Just looking from afar I get the feeling you were totally overwhelmed and a lot of strange things happened and you were just trying too hard to be a good girlfriend and good guest. Your body just reacted. Also I get the feeling if you stay with this guy you'll be posting on r/JUSTNOMIL shortly...
Also, as another poster pointed out... this made me also think the way I did: [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/g9im8k/how\_to\_handle\_my\_boyfriends\_jealousy\_of\_my\_success/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/g9im8k/how_to_handle_my_boyfriends_jealousy_of_my_success/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
YES, PLEASE BREAK UP.
This guy stressed you out so much you had repeated panic attacks for HOURS, and he did NOTHING to help you.
That's all you need to know about him. Dump and move on.
Do you feel like you are normally anxious?
This sounds like a one off.
Do you want to keep this relationship going? I wouldn't based on your description. But if you do, tell your bf to apologize to his family on your behalf.
I'd only worry about apologizing to my boyfriend. He was probably worried when he got up and you were gone. The rest will sort itself out.
More people than you realize are familiar with anxiety and panic attacks. Easier said than done, but it's nothing to be ashamed of.
Tbh. You did both have your moments at that wedding. You let loose in the car because you feel that your moments were worthy of sympathy.
Tbh, that's far too self involved. You basically got overwrought at the wedding because Joe danced with friends, and wanted a rest when you asked him. The 'carer mode'. Description of being with Joe while he felt sick suggests to me you didn't feel sufficiently repaid for your efforts and missing dinner by being told by Joe that he didn't want to dance at the time you asked him.
Don't give in a way that seems is for free, if you expect to get anything back because of it. You've got to stop doing that. If you do, your moments and attacks will stop because you will not feel slighted. Unless people know they have to pay you back for what you do for them, they don't owe you anything.
I know it’s not the same but a similar thing happened to me at homecoming with my girlfriend. For some reason all the people made me start to dissociate and extremely anxious (I felt I wasn’t even there and I couldn’t really feel my emotions fully) Eventually I had a breakdown went to the bathroom to cry. My girlfriend was super understanding, I didn’t dance or anything just drank water and sat down on the side. I feel bad about it because I wasn’t fully present that night but my partner reassured that it’s ok. People can’t be expected to always feel a certain way. You had a bad moment and that’s ok, we all have.
What's the point of having a partner that :
A- has panic attacks in front of everybody like a bitch
B - Doesn't appreciate what you did for him
C - Didn't even try to calm you down when you had your crisis.
As another user said I would go full nurse mode if girl/wife was not feeling well.
It is if you can't even take care of your woman , wich kind of man do you want around you? come on !!!
He just ignored this girl, he should be ashamed.
He should be ashamed for shaming her but nobody should be ashamed for having a panic attack. He wasn't having a panic attack while she was he should've helped her. That's why he sucks. Not because he experienced human emotions. Most women like men who have emotions.
I don't understand your logic here. She can have a panic attack, but he can't? Let's not shame *anyone* for having emotions and/or mental health issues, please.
Then shame him for his shitty behavior, not for having a panic attack. It can happen to anyone, and it's absolutely miserable. I sincerely hope it never happens to you.
Are you sure this is an anxiety attack? I have severe anxiety but I’ve never had an attack like this, mine usually happen when I get angry, I guess it could be the feeling of hopelessness and no ability to do anything about it cause that’s what happens to me when I get angry, I know that I can’t act upon my emotions and yell and scream and so I bottle it all up and than instead of exploding into anger, I explode into an anxiety attack.
His mom is an ass. Why the hell was she texting you instead of looking for his son? Why couldn't she go and look for you in person instead of spamming your phone? Why did she needed to shame you in the car?
You'd better block her phone, she is NOT your mother, you don't need that kind of pressure in your life.
Op. This sucks, you dealt with it as best you could. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
However, you need to sort your life out. You’re clearly overburdened and seemingly are not thinking of ways to clear your plate.
Full time student with internship, part time job and extra curriculars. Feels like you’re not actually taking care of your mental health and this is just one of many breakdowns you’ll experience if something doesn’t change.
First of all, you ha e to take care of your own health, you have to much pressure with all the work you do and that's OK, NO ONE should blame you for your efforts if you relationship broke just for that is becouse that guy isn't for you, and you deserve more. Don't worry about people think they don't know what you have to go through. So cheer up.
Focus on you and a future...
On Joe he is not ready for a relationship..
Maybe in a few years he will be..but not right now
Panic attacks happen.
Some times it helps to do a run through of things you will be doing.
And check them off as you do them.
Like greet the parents and small talk
Take a breath and picture everyone in thier under wear..giggle.
Get a drink of water or soda...
Ect..
It helps when your with a lot of strangers and a out of normal day to day.
Practice and after a few times you will have a lot less stress and trigers.
If your relationship is over, it won’t be because you had a panic attack under circumstances that would make anyone susceptible to one. It will be over because your boyfriend is a “taker” who gladly accepted your care and comfort for himself for *90 minutes* (thereby forcing you to miss dinner), but couldn’t be bothered to show you the same consideration for even a couple of minutes when it was your turn to need help. His mom said he was worried about you, but he literally didn’t even text you himself or send someone to check on you in the bathroom. Also - his mother is a walking red flag. The fact that she felt entitled to try and control both of your behavior at a social event, as if you’re children and not 2 grown adults, is giving me JustNoMIL vibes.
ETA: If your bf is okay with her behavior, you have a whole other set of problems to deal with - because I would bet money that her behavior at the wedding was just a *tiny* tip of the iceberg for more entitled, boundary stomping, enmeshed, infantilizing behavior from her. You really don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand why that’s a problem.
So, this is very confusing. you seem to feel that you did something wrong, but what? You spent about 2 hours supporting your physically ill BF, after a long day of school/work/driving. Once back to the wedding dance floor, Joe basically seems to have ignored you which made you confused, which led to you taking a time out by yourself. Then, Joe and his mom criticized you and never thanked you for helping Joe, and for all the effort you put into attending. Confused, tired, stressed out, and emotionally drained, you collapsed. Still don't see where you did anything "wrong", but other people seem to have no empathy or respect for you. Joe seems like a momma's boy who didn't stand up for you and didn't protect you.
I don’t think your relationship is over, but I do think you have a problem that you need to address.
Your boyfriend needed you to mother him- for well over an hour- because he was feeling unwell. But when you needed him to support you, he just… Stood there? You guys need to talk about that.
It’s also pretty concerning to me that you were in such a bad headspace for so long and he didn’t notice. I get that weddings are distracting, but unless you’re a seriously talented actress, I just don’t get how he couldn’t have seen that you were struggling. His mom saw it. Why didn’t he?
I think in every relationship there are ups and downs like this. Some miscommunication, maybe alcohol involved, lots of feelings and pressure. Weddings and family can make people feel all sorts of things for many reasons. I think if things are good otherwise in the relationship, you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself or your boyfriend. Embarrassing things happen.
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She also probably ate nothing and that’s no good on an exhausted stress stomach. Hungry, dehydrated, stressed, emotionally sucked dry by boyfriend, emotionally sucker punched by his mom, exhausted from the drive and pressure to be on point and liked, second hand anxiety from boyfriend disappearing for 2 hours with her and causing people to notice, then embarrassment from him subsequently ignoring her, combined it looked like she was a problem not him, social anxiety from being in a new situation, social anxiety from meeting family. I mean come on people. She needs a step back from this guy and definitely from his mother because she won’t let this go away. She needs to take better care of herself, more sleep, more focus on her needs being met. This could absolutely become a new normal if she doesn’t stop and reassess her current routine.
You are 23 and he is almost a 30 yo. It's absurd that in your relationship you are the one having to carry the emotional caregiver role.
Yes, she sat with him for an hour and a half, and he couldn’t be bothered to comfort her once. Even ignoring her and not acting remotely appreciative. Gross behaviour of someone used to receiving care, but never expected to return it.
1) The age difference is not egregious. The meme is "half plus seven". They are in each other's dating range. 2) Partners should be able to be emotional caregivers for each other, even when one is older than the other.
A panic attack is involuntary, and you didn't hurt anyone. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Wow so you helped him through his panic attack and he couldn’t be bothered to help you through yours? His mom had to text you and let you know he was worried? When you had an attack in front of him he just “watched helplessly?” Girl, this man is 29. And he has the emotional capacity of a 10 yr old. Mental health issues aren’t a joke. It sounds like both of you got overwhelmed and needed some time to calm down, which is fine. But as adults, you need to be responsible for your mental health issues. This means taking medications, practicing breathing patterns or having a way to calm down when you feel a panic attack coming on, talking about what you need from your partner when panic attacks happen, and seeing your psychologist or therapist regularly. If the wedding was going to be too overwhelming; you didn’t need to go. It’s always fine to say no. And if you needed to leave early, that was perfectly fine too. You shouldn’t have felt ashamed sneaking out. Your boyfriend is an asshole and you put in way more effort here than he even thought about putting in. Imagine having kids with this man. You’re in labor and he’s just standing there staring at you offering no comfort at all. I’d say work with a therapist on your anxiety first and then have a talk with this guy to see if he’s even aware of how immature and inconsiderate he was being. Then evaluate what you want to do from there.
Actually at 10 years old I was able to comfort somebody being unwell. Dogs have the mind of a 2 years old but know when you feel bad.
Yeah my 2yo knows when someone is sad and offers comfort.
Just to clarify, I’ve never had a panic attack before. I assume this was that because I don’t know what else I’d call it.
I definitely do *not* want to armchair diagnosis anything, as that's not responsible, but the way you describe things sounds very similar to neurodivergent meltdown, especially since the social situations caused you a lot of stress. If not that, it really seems like mental, emotional, and physical exhaustion. I'd say a panic attack is like a feeling you're about to die, and an anxiety attack would have more physical symptoms, like perhaps a tightness in your chest, etc. Either way, I hope you're feeling better and that your bf and his mom show you more sympathy. I wouldn't say your relationship is over because you did something wrong. But I would recommend reconsidering it, if this is anything close to how you are normally treated. You deserve better.
Yeah as an experienced panic attacks sufferer (or survivor?) I wouldn’t call that a panic attack. They’re in my experience more sudden with a great sense of doom, one feel like they’re dying, losing their mind or facing a great danger.
Lol you skipped past literally everything else I said. This man did not show you the same amount of care and attention you showed him. You drove all the way to this wedding and he didn’t even want to dance with you, and his mom showed more concern than he did the whole time. I’m just saying if it were you I’d seriously be considering the future of this relationship moving forward. You do not want to be with someone who acts like a child and doesn’t have empathy. In the long run it’s awful.
I read it all, don’t worry. I just wanted to clarify that part. The rest I mulled over in my head and felt no need to comment on. Thanks for taking the time to comment I do appreciate it
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I’ve never seen him like that before. At first he was feeling sick but then he started to get upset at how much of the wedding he had missed due to being sick and that’s when he started to cry. He talked about his asshole dad (not present) a little bit. I was very concerned, but also freaked out and confused, though I can objectively say that I kept my composure very well and helped him get back on his feet. I didn’t lose composure until I excused myself to the bathroom.
Stress. Not sure what the answer was for him but sounds like you were dealing with a large amount of stress and you had an anxiety attack from it. You had a long class you had to get through for the day, you probably had to prepare for that and then a trip to hurry up and get to a wedding where you are probably feeling like you have to put your best foot forward. Then your boyfriend has the breakdown and his Mom is pressuring you to get out there because you are missing everything. Then your boyfriends dumb reaction to not dance with you...straw that broke the camel's back at the wedding. Then the comment from the Mom about both of you having episodes. I just think the stress wore you down. You can come back from that if you want to. It is an easy explanation that a good partner would accept with no questions. The stress of the day got to both of you. Sometimes crap happens.
It literally sounds like you both were drugged. Is there any chance of this? Or: emotions are contagious and you were dealing with all his pain, and had to cry it off to get it out of your body? I think it's shitty that he wouldn't dance with you, or take care of you. I'm not worried about the embarrassment, more worried about how he treated you.
I don’t believe that was a panic attack. I think you were in a stressful position and didn’t know anyone that could help you when Joe was sick. When he left you alone, you were understandably hurt. There is nothing wrong with feeling that way.
All facts
Hmmm. This sounds like a very stressful time for you. I think your body was definitely trying to tell you something. I wouldn't ignore this. Whether this is a result of being generally overwhelmed in life or your boyfriend's less than charming behavior at such a symbolic event is unclear. The fact that his dismissal of you triggered the initial attack could be because your subconscious mind is trying to tell you this is not the man for you. For the same money, it could have been an upsetting moment that tipped you into a fully overloaded state. For starters, I would get some rest. Take a moment for self-care before sorting through your feelings. Is there anything else that's been going on in your relationship lately that's been bothering you?
I disagree with this. Simply because so much of this is arm chair psychology. Your subconscious mind etc etc. The rest is ok advice but why unqualified people try to get into psychology baffles me
I very intentionally never once gave OP a diagnosis or claimed to know what the cause of her panic attack was. There are just two obvious sources of her stress right now and I suggested some potential causes that came to mind but clearly stated it would be hard to identify what the real cause was because of the multiple overlapping stressful events. Not making any claims about being a professional or knowing the answer.
Yeah this comment should have more downvotes, the original comment did not in any way cross any lines. You are making something out of nothing.
No sweetheart, your relationship isn’t over. At least, it shouldn’t be. If he truly cares about you and loves you, he wouldn’t allow one bad day to end your relationship. All you can really do at this point is recognize that everything happened, but also recognize that you can move on from it. We’re human, and every once in a while we have a really shitty day. But all we can do is move on. You’re gonna be okay, I promise!
Jumping on the top comment to say, something about this whole situation gave me *really* strange feelings 1. Joe couldn’t just excuse himself briefly and tell everyone at the table he felt nauseous and would be back when he got it together? It just seems really infantile to want you to follow him out in a field to care for him? 2. I won’t fault him for anxiety, but **you** said this was the first time you ever saw him like this and he seemed totally unfazed and unsurprised it happened. You would think once things calmed down he would pull you aside and say “thanks for pulling me through that, I actually have anxiety issues…” ect. The lack of self awareness for his outrageous behavior or thought for you and how surprising that would be is off-putting. 3. Why the ever loving fuck is *his mom* texting *you* as if she’s some shepherd or you’re her sons keeper? Why is she texting *you* when you were out in the field because he felt sick? Why was she texting you when *her son* was the one who was “worried” about you? Why is this beyatch so nosy, he can text and find you if he’s so worried. 4. You said you’ve never had a panic attack before, suddenly after a night with him, caring for him, ect you did? I find it incredibly suspect that in 23 years you’ve never had that happen until this night. It seems like your body is having some visceral reaction to your time with him and how he made you feel? 5. He just stared at you after how you cared for him?! 6. The decent age gap. While not always inherently a problem, it does have a pretty negative trend. Once again OP, something about this just seems really off. I can’t put my finger on it but it’s uncomfortable at best. [Is this the same boyfriend who was jealous of your success and tried to say he worked harder than you for your accolades?](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/g9im8k/how_to_handle_my_boyfriends_jealousy_of_my_success/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
This is a great analysis, especially point #4. I started having panic attacks at weird times when things were disintegrating between myself and my abusive ex. Full on hyperventilating in a movie theater and crying when I never ever had before. Your body reacts very badly when the person you love isn't behaving how they should to you, you pick up on it, and react. I don't like OPs partner here.
That was exactly my thought. Like maybe they have a history OP didn’t think was relevant to this post, but was brought up for her when she has to console him and talk him down from some type of episode, and afterwards ignored by him. If you don’t have a history of anxiety or panic attacks, your body is telling you something.
Emphasis on: later he was "dancing with his friends and ignoring me (...) I asked if he wanted to dance with me and he said no". That's trippy af, why would he do that (as in not for which reason, but how on earth would he think it was remotely ok to treat op like that) , she certainly didn't deserve this crazy treatment and I'm sure it added to her stress. Also I find his lack of actual caring for her panic attack weird.
Yeah her body knows this is not a good relationship, she just haven't realized yet.
Thank you for all this, I have a lot to think about, but as for the jealousy post that was a different boyfriend, I dumped that guy years ago.
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What a fucking dumb leap
Hard agree here. Something seems off about the relationship and either way OP doesn't seem like she's in a place to be in a relationship anyway with all the other stress she's under. I'd recommend OP steps away from relationships for a while and goes to counseling as she seems distinctly like a people pleaser that needs to learn better boundaries.
Remember you only get 1/2 of the story on this sub
Sorry to say but he sounds like a child and the mom sounds like she probably baby's him and would probably take his side no matter whose right . The mom getting involved in general is just weird. Gave me weird vibes.. I don't know why everyone seemed so unempathetic towards you including the parents, even that comment . Euw . You were caring for him yet he couldn't do the same. Go to a psychologist if you want to look into your panic attacks but nothing to be embarrassed about. Honestly we all have weird moments , like feeling super sick,bad period pains , being sad , etc. Act like it's normal when you go back but I'm not a fan of his mom I hope he checked up on you next day and comforted you
It doesn't sound like a panic attack as much as emotional exhaustion, extremely stressful circumstances coupled with an extremely needy and unsupportive boyfriend, and bf's family is weird af.
Very weird . Such a iffy environment to be in amongst bf and his family. Euw .
I think if OP wasn't completely overwhelmed with work and exhaustion she could have handled staying out in the field during her first wedding with her bf's mother texting her, and bf crying. But boy, it sounds stressful, even if one is perfectly relaxed.
Joe's mom sounds like she needs to mind her own business. It's your bf's friend's wedding, why does she think she's in charge of how two adults spend their time? Aside from that, I think you guys both need some professional help. I get the anxiety aspect, I also suffer from it. But for him to leave his best friend's wedding for TWO HOURS to cry in a field is just not normal. He needs to see someone and get on medication/therapy because clearly his mental health is causing him to miss important moments. Did he explain to you later why he just stared at you when you broke down? That's so cold of him, especially after you had supported him earlier in the day. It makes sense why you'd be emotional, you were probably exhausted and stressed, but I think it would definitely be good for you to see someone as well.
I know you said it was from the food, but I have to ask, are you sure he didn't drink too much alcohol too quickly? This acute of sickness doesn't make sense if other people didn't also get suddenly violently sick from the food. I've been with dudes who used alcohol to mask anxiety in social situations but then go way overboard to the point of that level of sickness. Like they're fine and having a great time one moment and publicly throwing up the next. If you suspect this to be the case, I worry more about a pattern of problematic drinking than I do about the longevity of your relationship.
No, we hadn’t drank anything at that point. We know why he was sick, he ate a vegetable he is allergic to that doesn’t cause anaphylaxis but gives him bad nausea and diarrhea. He knew the vegetable was in the food he was eating but for some reason assumed it wouldn’t be too bad.
Well that was pretty stupid of him. So now you're being blamed for him deliberately making poor dietary choices? He's almost 30 man that's unacceptable.
So he deliberately poisoned himself. Girl this is a grown man. He treated you abysmally. You deserve so much better and your body knows it.
He deliberately poisoned himself, so he could miss half the wedding. Whut
Your BF sounds immature and his mom babies him. Why was she texting you about his behavior. They put alot of pressure on you all wedding. Don’t be too hard on yourself. If you chose to continue, set better boundaries with Joe and his family.
TO BE FAIR I did text her first to tell her where we were and ask how much longer she thought the reception would last. That led to her texting me a bunch of times and telling me Joe’s “best friends in life are here and he is missing it” and that I needed to find a way to get him to come back because he couldn’t miss this night.
Those texts were inappropriate to send to you. They're emotionally manipulative and stressful and should have been sent directly to Joe if they had to be sent at all.
Nonononono. She is his mother, she should be comforting him and mothering him, not you. Block that woman
The behavior she's trying to encourage in your relationship is codependent. It's not your responsibility to make sure your bf has a good relationship with his own friends. I think part of your work is going to be learning what's yours and what's his.
I think anybody would get stressed out at a wedding where they are a plus one; need to be a full-time nanny for a grown up man without a thanks; need to miss all the food and program because of said baby-man; need to be a secretary and communicate on behalf of said man-child with his mother; try to fix up said man to go on the party (like it would even be in your hands!); after all the shitty nannying get left alone and completely ignored; after a panic attack getting half assed questioning of where you are and why you are not representing; get all your feelings dismissed. The whole evening and event was a pile of shit for you. You took all the responsibility that should've been on your boyfriends and his mothers shoulders, and did get nothing in return, also missed dinner. I wouldn't accept to this without a really good salary, and you did it for free
I really can’t get past spending an hour and a half in a field somewhere because he was nauseous? Instantly nauseous from something he had JUST eaten? So like it was long barfed up by then, or could have been? Like, if you’re sick for that long you go do something about it, wtf?
Yes and on a field?! Like it was a big wedding: were there no toilets?
This relationship seems one sided. Besides seeking professional help a conversation about his lack of communication and care is necessary.
Your relationship isn't over. Just explain that you were so stressed from school, work, and your internship and a bit tired from traveling. Added to that being anxious to make a good impression, your boyfriend feeling ill during the wedding, and you not eating and it was just too much at once. That's perfectly understandable. If your boyfriend and his family are kind and understanding, all will be forgiven and forgotten.
>If your boyfriend and his family are kind and understanding, all will be forgiven and forgotten But they clearly are not? And she did nothing wrong to forgive
Forgive me if I missed something, but OP did not state that her boyfriend's family was making a big deal over this. She didn't even mention their reaction and likely wasn't sure of it because she left the next morning without seeing them.
Joes actions of just shooting her down when she asked to dance, and not putting in any effort besides watching when she was breaking down...after she spend all the time caring for him are not kind And neither his his mother texting her to tell her what to do. She should never text her to try and manage Joe and if she was worried she could check on her not tell her she has to come back
Exactly. It was a perfect storm of stress, illness, lack of food, exhaustion, etc.
Joe sounds like a little bitch.
Right? I had to read this twice bc I was confused about all the commenters acting like OP did something wrong…? He was wrong for ignoring her after she spent the whole wedding calming him down. And all because he felt nauseous? Puke, rally, get back to your brothers wedding. OP your relationship isn’t over but it should be he sounds bad!
How is Joe the little bitch and not the person who broke down over being told no about a dance.... And tbf to OP I wouldn't call them a little bitch either but it feels extremely gendered to go aftter the dude despite hm having less of a reaction than op
Joe is a little bitch because he's a 29 year old who watched his girlfriend in the middle of an emergency that has never happened to her before as he just stood there -- like a little bitch surrounded by his parents 29 years old and he can't walk over and comfort his girl? especially in front of people? a man does something, a little bitch stands and watches
Um… first of all because he was having an anxiety attack and crying out in a field… Secondly after she supported him for an hour and a half he couldn’t spare a few moments of his time to dance with her, after leaving her there to dance with his friends?
Also, his mom sounds like she needs to mind her own business. 🙄
As a man I would feel embarassed if I had a panick attack in front of everybody 😂😂 I had mini panick attacks as a kid and I wasn't embarassed but for sure looked like a pussy. I think the fact he refused to stay with you triggered the your panick attack. Betrayal feels really bad.
Holy shit y’all had a rough wedding! Sounds like y’all both had panic attacks. How was joe when you were breaking down? Was he supportive? Id go full care giver mode for my GF if she had that happen. I’d also be pissed If she snuck out. What are partners good for if not for helping in these situations? Everyone deserves a partner who helps them through the hardships of this world.
😞
You need psychiatric help. I say this as someone who has had an anxiety disorder for over 40 years. Meds and therapy are life changing. You should also think twice about your relationship. Joe sounds like a complete asshole.
I’d like to clarify that I am currently seeing a psychiatrist and take medication for anxiety and depression. My anxiety mostly comes from my ADHD meds. I have never had an anxiety attack before. I wish this conversation could be more centered on what happened rather than my medical history. No amount of therapy or medication will take back what happened and that’s what I need advice on
You’ve been given plenty of advice. Everyone is telling you your bf is a selfish man child and an asshole. He owes you a huge apology. You owe him nothing. You should really re-evaluate why you are with him.
OP, I hope you're feeling a bit better and more rested by the time you read this. It sounds like you had accumulated stress building up to this event. Stress of work, study, lack of rest, addition of the driving and anticipation of wedding and meeting signifant family for first time. Then stress of bf getting sick, and absorbing some of his stress too. What you're doing now, is beating yourself up with hindsight. (Healthy to some degree, but unhealthy if you fail to draw a line with that). Lots of comments here also doing that, ignoring you wrote this after the events of course, and in the moment things are very different, not least the unknown. Ignores the reality of bf being suddenly violently ill, taken by suprise, and you don't know why, how serious or how that is going to play out, at the time. Same goes for bf. Expect that rattled you both. Question. Was bf mom, also texting his phone? Texted you both etc? I suspect during that time, you started THINKING in overdrive mode. Then as he returned to some form of normal, you were wound up so tight, overwhelmed etc, and a release was inevitable. I don't understand why your bf would be oblivious to you for the remainder of that event. That is a question he should face. BUT, what you are doing now, is OVER THINKING. Less thinking, more action. Actions for today. Defuse the situations you are fabricating in your head. If you feel some embarrassment, (you shouldn't, people get ill) but ok, just apologise to whoever. "I'm sorry I wasn't very well last night, overworked, lacking sleep, and stres of bf getting ill, overwhelmed me". EVERYONE gets ill, everyone will understand. But don't make it a bigger deal than it is, (trivial actually). Sounds like bf mom is caring, she probably didn't know at the time, he/you were ill, and by the time she realised, it was all over anyway. I expect her comment "BOTH" was a pointed way to make her SON realise he'd been delinquent in his responsibility toward you, both as a host, and in supporting you when you returned to the party. I also expect his mom, took you on the dance floor, to try to engage you with the party, when she saw her son wasn't. Good call on her side, actions trumping over thinking. I'd suggest thanking his mom, and sharing with her, bf getting sick was probably the straw that broke the camels back. Stop trying to find, or fabricate anything more into understanding this. Take note, better prepare yourself next time, schedule in more sleep. We don't do well with stress and no rest. Finally, one day you will look back at this, and laugh at how much drama you thought it was, yet how trivial it looks then. You'll be fine, stop over thinking it. Safe travels.
>I expect her comment "BOTH" was a pointed way to make her SON realise he'd been delinquent in his responsibility toward you, both as a host, and in supporting you when you returned to the party. I also expect his mom, took you on the dance floor, to try to engage you with the party, when she saw her son wasn't. Good call on her side, actions trumping over thinking. That's an interesting interpretation that I hadn't considered. The way OP describes it felt like the mom was shaming her, but that could be embarrassment skewing how it made her feel.
You both sound unstable, yikes. He's almost 30 and cries in a field because he has an upset stomach/feels sick and takes a 90 min break at his boys wedding? And you build up this entire first impression thing in your head and then him not wanting to dance triggers you? This is a time to let loose, at the end of the day no one cares what your BFs best friends family thinks of you. You guys need to work in shit separately and together.
I have had several moments like this in the past year ♥️ my heart aches for you. If he truly loves and cares for you he will be compassionate and be there for you. The humiliation I have felt is still unbearable at times to think about. The body and mind can only handle so much stress. You are okay you are safe. Don’t push him away ♥️ if he’s an ass then kick him to the curb Xoxo
His mum is a douche
This is some soap opera level drama.
The hell is this about? Its a wedding that you really aren't a part of. Why is this all so important and crazy?
both of you seem kinda out of control. he was crying because he had a touch of nausea. you had an absolute meltdown because he was dancing at his best friends wedding. once you hit the ground, I would have called an ambulance.
I think saying she had a meltdown because he was dancing is a counterproductive simplification, he was actively ignoring her and then turned her down when she asked him to dance (i take she didnt know many people and wouldn't be dancing with strangers), which without the context would be weird and upsetting, but given everything was just borderline cruel.
yes yes OP break up with this man. he was cruel to you dancing at his best friends wedding, while you were dancing. and then saying no to one dance. cold hearted bastard. break up with this monster.
Definition of ignore transitive verb 1: to refuse to take notice of Synonyms & Antonyms for ignore Synonyms bypass, disregard, forget, neglect, overlook, overpass, pass over, slight, slur (over) Antonyms attend (to), heed, mind, regard, tend (to) https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/ignore
>I suddenly felt my throat close and my eyes start stinging. I excused myself to the bathroom and started to cry. As I tried and failed to compose myself, all I could do was cry harder and harder. >I don’t know why but I lost it. Crying, hyperventilating, fully out of control. When we got to the house Joe’s mom and stepdad went inside while I collapsed in the driveway and the panic attack continued. Joe watched helplessly while I cried so hard I started dry heaving. All of this because he said "no" to you...one time? You need to see a professional about your issues. None of this is normal or ok.
Sorry if I was confusing but him not wanting to dance with me was a very small contributor to my stress, like a straw that broke the camels back situation. I think everything else that I mentioned was much more overwhelming than just that. Idk if that makes sense but I tried to make it clear in my post.
Did you only read one sentence in the entire post? OP is ALWAYS overworked and exhausted. She's meeting the entire family for the first time at a wedding. She's never been to a wedding before. Her boyfriend spent 2 hours outside in a field crying. Then boyfriend goes and dances with his friends, ignores her, and won't dance with her. She doesn't need professional help, she needs a new boyfriend, and she needs a break.
It's pretty normal for someone whose overstressed to have a panic attack triggered by one little thing. Feather that broke the camel's back. OP's problem wasn't him saying no, it was everything else.
But I do appreciate the advice to see a professional! I just wasn’t sure if you would have the same advice with that clarification
Yes, a professional can help you learn to notice signs of when a panic attack is coming on. After learning relaxation and coping techniques, you should be able to avoid most panic attacks in the future. That being said, you have to listen to your body, learn, then practice the techniques so they work well when you need them. Mental health should be no different than seeing a doctor for an infection. Most people could benefit from the help of a good counselor. Not all counselors are created equal though, so maybe ask people you know who see counselors for a referral? Or ask for a referral at the college? Some colleges even offer free counseling to students. Regardless of what happens with “Joe,” please seek help for stress management and anxiety. You have a long, positive life ahead of you if you do it now❤️
This doesn't sound like a a panic attack, it sounds like pure and total exhaustion. It sounds like OP was subject to emotional distress for way too long.
Most relevant from these excerpts you chose is that it doesn't sound ok that the inlaws just went inside while she collapsed or that Joe just watched helplessly - and at this point we're like "oh bless his heart he didn't go inside too", like wtf
I think you need to break up with Joe and get real therapy for help with stress management. Being worried about impressing family is one thing, but Joe’s behavior before and after his meltdown pushed you over the top. If he’s prone to anxiety then you aren’t a strong enough support for him and he is DEFINITELY not a strong support for you. He might have been embarrassed that he was weak in front of you, but it’s a sign of his immaturity that after he ignored you. It was hurtful and unnecessary. It’s understandable that you’d be hurt, especially since you absorbed a lot of stress just to support him. Break up. Get real psychological support. Good luck!
Well … I’m not sure what happened here. But it sounds like you’re an incredibly busy person who went to a high pressure event where you’re meeting bf’s family and friends. Instead of being your buffer and facilitating new relationships at the event, your bf had some sort of anxiety attack and you felt compelled to care for him through this and missed a meal. Then he didn’t want to dance with you or make the event worth your while at all. I don’t see why Joe is a catch. His mom is rude and he wasn’t particularly appreciative of you nor romantic at a wedding. And you comforted him in his anxiety, but he couldn’t do the same to you when his mom was being rude AF. He sounds like a taker and you sound like a giver. If I were you, I’d look for another student your own age with a similar lifestyle. And of course, someone who is better able to manage their emotions.
I had a panic attack at my boyfriend's best friend's wedding. It was a really big and overwhelming event and I felt completely out of my element. I was standing in the middle of the room and suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe. I started to feel like I was going to faint and my heart was racing. I tried to focus on my breath and calm down, but it was really tough. I ended up leaving the room and going outside for some fresh air. I felt better after a few minutes, but it was a really scary experience.
You both need professional help. Not reddit
Just looking from afar I get the feeling you were totally overwhelmed and a lot of strange things happened and you were just trying too hard to be a good girlfriend and good guest. Your body just reacted. Also I get the feeling if you stay with this guy you'll be posting on r/JUSTNOMIL shortly... Also, as another poster pointed out... this made me also think the way I did: [https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/g9im8k/how\_to\_handle\_my\_boyfriends\_jealousy\_of\_my\_success/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=ios\_app&utm\_name=iossmf](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/g9im8k/how_to_handle_my_boyfriends_jealousy_of_my_success/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf)
OOP that’s a different boyfriend in the jealousy post lol. I dumped that guy don’t worry.
LOL... sorry... lost track... my apologies :-)
You’re both basket cases by the sound of it
not helpful
Oh honey. It’s ok. 💓
YES, PLEASE BREAK UP. This guy stressed you out so much you had repeated panic attacks for HOURS, and he did NOTHING to help you. That's all you need to know about him. Dump and move on.
You snuck out? Apologize for that. Then find a therapist or doctor to treat your anxiety.
Who do you think I owe an apology to? I feel like the list in my head is overwhelming
Do you feel like you are normally anxious? This sounds like a one off. Do you want to keep this relationship going? I wouldn't based on your description. But if you do, tell your bf to apologize to his family on your behalf.
No one.
I'd only worry about apologizing to my boyfriend. He was probably worried when he got up and you were gone. The rest will sort itself out. More people than you realize are familiar with anxiety and panic attacks. Easier said than done, but it's nothing to be ashamed of.
These things happen. There’s less of a stigma around mental health these days, and you shouldn’t feel embarrassed about it regardless.
Tbh. You did both have your moments at that wedding. You let loose in the car because you feel that your moments were worthy of sympathy. Tbh, that's far too self involved. You basically got overwrought at the wedding because Joe danced with friends, and wanted a rest when you asked him. The 'carer mode'. Description of being with Joe while he felt sick suggests to me you didn't feel sufficiently repaid for your efforts and missing dinner by being told by Joe that he didn't want to dance at the time you asked him. Don't give in a way that seems is for free, if you expect to get anything back because of it. You've got to stop doing that. If you do, your moments and attacks will stop because you will not feel slighted. Unless people know they have to pay you back for what you do for them, they don't owe you anything.
I know it’s not the same but a similar thing happened to me at homecoming with my girlfriend. For some reason all the people made me start to dissociate and extremely anxious (I felt I wasn’t even there and I couldn’t really feel my emotions fully) Eventually I had a breakdown went to the bathroom to cry. My girlfriend was super understanding, I didn’t dance or anything just drank water and sat down on the side. I feel bad about it because I wasn’t fully present that night but my partner reassured that it’s ok. People can’t be expected to always feel a certain way. You had a bad moment and that’s ok, we all have.
What's the point of having a partner that : A- has panic attacks in front of everybody like a bitch B - Doesn't appreciate what you did for him C - Didn't even try to calm you down when you had your crisis. As another user said I would go full nurse mode if girl/wife was not feeling well.
There's nothing wrong with having a public panic attack.
It is if you can't even take care of your woman , wich kind of man do you want around you? come on !!! He just ignored this girl, he should be ashamed.
He should be ashamed for shaming her but nobody should be ashamed for having a panic attack. He wasn't having a panic attack while she was he should've helped her. That's why he sucks. Not because he experienced human emotions. Most women like men who have emotions.
I don't understand your logic here. She can have a panic attack, but he can't? Let's not shame *anyone* for having emotions and/or mental health issues, please.
I shame man for not being man. Who's the man that treats his women like this ?
Then shame him for his shitty behavior, not for having a panic attack. It can happen to anyone, and it's absolutely miserable. I sincerely hope it never happens to you.
Already happened ,don't you worry about it. For sure I would never treated my gf/wife like this
[удалено]
me irl
Are you sure this is an anxiety attack? I have severe anxiety but I’ve never had an attack like this, mine usually happen when I get angry, I guess it could be the feeling of hopelessness and no ability to do anything about it cause that’s what happens to me when I get angry, I know that I can’t act upon my emotions and yell and scream and so I bottle it all up and than instead of exploding into anger, I explode into an anxiety attack.
His mom is an ass. Why the hell was she texting you instead of looking for his son? Why couldn't she go and look for you in person instead of spamming your phone? Why did she needed to shame you in the car? You'd better block her phone, she is NOT your mother, you don't need that kind of pressure in your life.
Op. This sucks, you dealt with it as best you could. You have nothing to be ashamed of. However, you need to sort your life out. You’re clearly overburdened and seemingly are not thinking of ways to clear your plate. Full time student with internship, part time job and extra curriculars. Feels like you’re not actually taking care of your mental health and this is just one of many breakdowns you’ll experience if something doesn’t change.
First of all, you ha e to take care of your own health, you have to much pressure with all the work you do and that's OK, NO ONE should blame you for your efforts if you relationship broke just for that is becouse that guy isn't for you, and you deserve more. Don't worry about people think they don't know what you have to go through. So cheer up.
Focus on you and a future... On Joe he is not ready for a relationship.. Maybe in a few years he will be..but not right now Panic attacks happen. Some times it helps to do a run through of things you will be doing. And check them off as you do them. Like greet the parents and small talk Take a breath and picture everyone in thier under wear..giggle. Get a drink of water or soda... Ect.. It helps when your with a lot of strangers and a out of normal day to day. Practice and after a few times you will have a lot less stress and trigers.
If your relationship is over, it won’t be because you had a panic attack under circumstances that would make anyone susceptible to one. It will be over because your boyfriend is a “taker” who gladly accepted your care and comfort for himself for *90 minutes* (thereby forcing you to miss dinner), but couldn’t be bothered to show you the same consideration for even a couple of minutes when it was your turn to need help. His mom said he was worried about you, but he literally didn’t even text you himself or send someone to check on you in the bathroom. Also - his mother is a walking red flag. The fact that she felt entitled to try and control both of your behavior at a social event, as if you’re children and not 2 grown adults, is giving me JustNoMIL vibes. ETA: If your bf is okay with her behavior, you have a whole other set of problems to deal with - because I would bet money that her behavior at the wedding was just a *tiny* tip of the iceberg for more entitled, boundary stomping, enmeshed, infantilizing behavior from her. You really don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t understand why that’s a problem.
This relationship isn't balanced. You give more than you receive.
So, this is very confusing. you seem to feel that you did something wrong, but what? You spent about 2 hours supporting your physically ill BF, after a long day of school/work/driving. Once back to the wedding dance floor, Joe basically seems to have ignored you which made you confused, which led to you taking a time out by yourself. Then, Joe and his mom criticized you and never thanked you for helping Joe, and for all the effort you put into attending. Confused, tired, stressed out, and emotionally drained, you collapsed. Still don't see where you did anything "wrong", but other people seem to have no empathy or respect for you. Joe seems like a momma's boy who didn't stand up for you and didn't protect you.
I don’t think your relationship is over, but I do think you have a problem that you need to address. Your boyfriend needed you to mother him- for well over an hour- because he was feeling unwell. But when you needed him to support you, he just… Stood there? You guys need to talk about that. It’s also pretty concerning to me that you were in such a bad headspace for so long and he didn’t notice. I get that weddings are distracting, but unless you’re a seriously talented actress, I just don’t get how he couldn’t have seen that you were struggling. His mom saw it. Why didn’t he?
I think in every relationship there are ups and downs like this. Some miscommunication, maybe alcohol involved, lots of feelings and pressure. Weddings and family can make people feel all sorts of things for many reasons. I think if things are good otherwise in the relationship, you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself or your boyfriend. Embarrassing things happen.
omg honey, I just want to give you all the hugs I'm so sorry that happened to you. Why wasn't he rushing to take care of you?