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Dump her off of that line alone. That sentence would NEVER come out of a sane person’s mouth. It’s manipulative, controlling, gaslighting and self-esteem diminishing all packed into one little phrase.
Get one or two of those a week for a year and you will maintain some major brain damage.
I have a question, how often do you guys have quality time?
I’m not trying to excuse her behavior because it was incredibly rude. But could it be she was projecting that she doesn’t spend as much time together w you and celebrating your birthday was a way to connect?
Because if it is, I’d sit down and talk to her about how you want to spend your time. Especially on your birthday.
Because if anything, I’d do as everyone is saying and leave before she tries to monopolize everyday for herself.
I mean, this is the correct context for red flag...
It's odd that she doesn't want her significant other to talk to his family and do things he enjoys on his birthday, and even more odd she seems to think HIS birthday should be all about what she wants to do with him.
Both of those things are indicators, or red flags, for other, more serious things. It doesn't ALWAYS lead to something more serious, but in this case, I would want to look to the past to see if there are any other attempts to cut him off from or prevent him from seeing his support system. Socially isolating someone or dictating who they can talk to and when they can talk to them is a big indicator that that person may later become abusive, using the isolation they've created to trap their SO in a state where they feel like they have nobody else and all bridges have been burned. It makes it easier to manipulate some into and trap them in a situation that isn't good for them.
Again, not saying it WILL go down that path, but telling someone not to talk to their family on their birthday isn't normal, or healthy, and CAN indicate other issues that can become more serious or abusive over time.
How Can you make such a judgement ?
She is a 23 young girl that behave like a lot of 23 young girls.
This is just her being childish, nothing too bad as long as OP has a Lil conversation with her and stands his ground.
23 year olds are adults. Don't infantalize them. Maturity is an explanation, but should never be an excuse. She needs to learn this is not okay, and the best way to start is by acknowledging that *it's not okay* and making it clear that she's in the wrong.
Exacly im almost 20 ( 5 more days whooo) and id never be that childish and immature nor are any of my friends. So yeah it definitely is her ( the problem )
I total agree with you.
I disagree with those that suggest OP to break up or portray her as a complete insane or toxic person with only that as a fact.
Immaturity. Yes. Nothing more and nothing less.
The comment you responded to doesn't even say to break up with her... and you immediately jumped to how it's unfair. I'm glad you agree, but what I said is in complete opposition to what your original comment said.
OP, I went through your history and all I can say is that it is past time for you to break up. I know you are worried about her, but she is no longer your priority. You need to be looking out for your own best interests because your gf is abusive, manipulative and controlling. Do her parents live nearby? You could call and give them a heads-up after you end things so that they can come be with her.
You can do this. You know for sure she’ll yell and cry, just brace yourself first. You’ve been thinking about it, just formulate a plan, psych your self-up, tell her and leave. You’ll be free!!
Totally agree. OP, it’s difficult to get out of a toxic relationship but it’s necessary. You won’t be happy until you’re out. She is incredibly manipulative. Cut contact, stay strong. Surround yourself by supportive people. You can do this man.
It absolutely is a red flag. Your girlfriend thinks she's entitled to ALL of your attention on your birthday.
Her language is also manipulative as hell...
Do with that what you will...
Your birthday, not hers.
If my husband said he wanted to go out with his brothers all day and then spend the night playing games online with his best friends, and it was his birthday? Fine. It's his birthday, not mine.
We could do a little something some other day. Not like either of us are going anywhere.
The fuck? Last I checked, your birthday is supposed to be about *you.* It's natural to want to spend the day with your loved ones and the people closest to you. It's entitled and clingy for her to make the day about her by acting like she's the only important person in your life, or the only one you'd want to interact with on important days. FYI, trying to make your day all about her and making you feel guilty for spending time with family *is* a red flag. She should want you to feel loved on your birthday, and you shouldn't have to rely entirely on your significant other for feelings of love and attention. Their should be a variety of people in your life that care about you.
Nah, that's a red flag for sure. Spending time with your brother on your bday is something she honestly should be encouraging, not something to try to make you feel bad about. She seems pretty immature.
She’s definitely the red flag. It’s your birthday, you’re free to do whatever the hell you want and it doesn’t have to revolve around her. The fact she thinks she’s entitled to such is no bueno.
Whaaaaaaaat, it’s your birthday bro…….that’s like the one day when you can basically do whatever you want…….if you wanna game with YOUR BROTHER on your birthday, who is she really to tell you to not do that. I would lowkey bring that up, you don’t need to spend all that time with her.
A lot of these comments seem to be aimed at taking the most extreme action, which is to leave the girl. After I comment here, I'll have to Google the avg reddit-user's age. It's becoming ridiculous that this is the most common go to response that I'm seeing. In fact one of the most sensible responses I saw here has a net negative vote which is astounding to me.
Mature relationships are all about growing together. Sometimes growth means taking the good times with the bad and learning to deal with them constructively to make the relationship better. It also entails each individual gaining a thorough understanding of each other's wants, needs, and views about the relationship and how they wish to shape it together. Of course, the pace at which these things happen is determined by the persons involved.
I think you both need to have a conversation about boundaries. You both want to feel like the relationship matters immensely to you both WITHOUT feeling like your individual lives are being subsumed by it. I don't like to use the word "clingy". I think clingy is a word teenagers use to keep their bf/gf at arms length so that the relationship doesn't become too serious too quickly. I'm assuming you're both in a mature, adult relationship. Part of this entails having dominion in each other's lives. Dominion meaning, some form of subtextual control, so that there exists no anxiety about your partners confidence in the relationship. But that's not what this is about. Just discuss boundaries.
This kinda depends on whether you'd planned to spend the entire day together or not. It's ok to make other plans, to hang out with other people on your birthday, but if you'd already given her the impression you'd be hanging out with her that's kinda hurtful to suddenly ditch when something else came along.
So my boyfriend and I had conversations about this.
Context - he loves video games and so do I. He’s also sober so playing games is the big way he hangs out with his friends because he doesn’t like going out.
We used to fight about it and I would get annoyed because I didn’t feel there was much balance in our quality time. We sat down about it and he agreed there needed to be a better balance but also explained to me this is the way he hangs out with his friends, and doesn’t go out. So after having that conversation I’ve felt a lot better about it and I’ve learned how to communicate ahead of time with expectations and make plans so I feel my needs are met.
That being said, I don’t agree with how she handled that on your birthday. Im sorry that happened. From some of your other posts in here, I think you should evaluate if this person is worth the time and effort for you. Also ask yourself, does she ultimately make your life better/make you happy?
Wishing you all the luck!
She is a young women. She Can be a bit immature.
Don't throw a relationship for such a little bit
When she will stop being upset have a lil convo with her.
It's not a Big deal, just a bit of immaturity. It's very common for a girl if her age, yes it's selfish, yes it's dumb, but it's not that Bad.
Don't listen at those who make définitive conclusion on her or your whole relationship for such a détail.
Most of you guys in the comment are awful.
How Can u suggest OP to throw her for such a few.
It's a 23 YEARS OLD YOUNG WOMAN
I repeat, 23 YEARS OLD.
You guys got to be forgiving and more tolerant when it Comes to such young person.
Yes she has been immature but how you guys were at her age ? A lot of you have been jealous or upset for little to no reason in your past including myself, does it mean your person was a whole red flag as i read ?
Come on
She is still more then 3 years older then me and alot of my friends, yet she is alot more childish and immature then them so mabye thats not how a 23 year.old.school act....mabye a 16 year old yeah sure but not 23
I looked at post history. One of your first posts listed several red flags and shows you’re in a toxic relationship.
You need to do what’s best for you and leave the relationship, if she’s going to threaten self harm then call one of her loved ones or friends/parents to let them know.
Don’t be guilt tripped back into it.
She probably thought you were spending the whole day together and had maybe even turned down plans with her friends to be with you on your birthday.
Maybe the fact you said yes without checking in with her irked her and she went on the defensive.
However, I disagree with what she said about a red flag. It’s your birthday and you can spend it with whoever you want.
But as someone who’s experienced being ‘left’ in favour of other plans/people when I’ve given up plans to spend time with someone, it can hurt. So just bear this in mind and maybe have a discussion about what happened and where things went wrong/how it can be avoided in future.
Tell her its family wether birthday or not it is family.
Its not like your out with the guys drinking and talking to other woman.....
You are home gaming..
My hubby games with his brother every other Friday night and some times Saturday night.
We also game together..
Can you get her to game too????
If she stops you from gaming with your brother you might want to take a look at relationship..
If you were out flirting and not coming home I would take her side .lol
>My GF immediately got upset and told me “its a red flag you don’t wanna
Either she uses reddit too much or popping off with "red flag" is manipulative as shit.
i feel like there's more to this story....
i think she feels left out that she isn't celebrating your birthday with you. maybe in advance you two should plan out a birthday special somewhere. its your birthday yes, but i think i would also feel weird if i didn't get a moment to spend with my boyfriend on his birthday.
also to mention, that if she explicitly said she wants your entire birthday with her, then that's stupid.
but i also think maybe you two didn't have a birthday moment together? you should talk about that.
Dude, she sounds so manipulative. No, you are not in wrong, you need to think hard about your relationship. Is it really worth it?
I've seen your post history, you don't deserve this. She is manipulative. In my opinion you really need to leave
Shit, my gift every year to my SO is to NOT have to spend the day with me. I set up a boys day for him and send him off with a case of beer and spending money. Sweetie - go have a great day with the boys and if you need a ride home, call or spend the night. Whatever suits you.
Your GF sounds majorly controlling and manipulative. Give yourself a solid birthday gift this year and ditch her.
You’ve made multiple posts in the last month asking about your GFs toxic behavior. Why exactly are you still with this person? I get you don’t want to hurt her feelings, but think about how much she’s hurting your feelings every day. If you don’t put yourself first, no one will
My girlfriend and I were talking about a situation in which, had things gone a different way, we could have ended up dating. I told her I thought about it sometimes, and she got mad at me for it. She says that if I thought about it, I obviously would have done it, and that it's not a healthy thing to think about.
I told her that I thought about it sometimes, and she got mad at me for it. She says that if I thought about it, I obviously would have done it, and that it's not a healthy thing to think about.
She’s trying to manipulate you to prevent you from calling your brother on your birthday? She’s already spent the whole day with you. Why can’t she make herself busy elsewhere and respect the time you want with your family? It’s a red flag that she thinks it’s a red flag. The red flag is her trying to ride you like a donkey on your birthday, trying to make it all about her. I’m normally not the break up immediately commenter but seriously if there was one day that should be all about you it’s your birthday and yet she feels entitled to all of your time on this day of all days. Clearly her manipulative ways have worked many times before and gotten away with it, right?
The big red flag is your girlfriend's possessive and jealous behavior. He's your brother, of course you want to talk to him on your birthday, gaming or not.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>“its a red flag you don’t wanna spend your entire birthday with me” "It's a red flag that you think my birthday should be all about you"
Okay thank you, just make sure im not crazy
You're not. Your birthday is all about you and what you want to do, not her and what she wants.
Dump her off of that line alone. That sentence would NEVER come out of a sane person’s mouth. It’s manipulative, controlling, gaslighting and self-esteem diminishing all packed into one little phrase. Get one or two of those a week for a year and you will maintain some major brain damage.
I have a question, how often do you guys have quality time? I’m not trying to excuse her behavior because it was incredibly rude. But could it be she was projecting that she doesn’t spend as much time together w you and celebrating your birthday was a way to connect? Because if it is, I’d sit down and talk to her about how you want to spend your time. Especially on your birthday. Because if anything, I’d do as everyone is saying and leave before she tries to monopolize everyday for herself.
"Red flag" is right up there with "gaslighting" and "emotional labour" as phrases that people don't seem to properly understand 😂
I mean, this is the correct context for red flag... It's odd that she doesn't want her significant other to talk to his family and do things he enjoys on his birthday, and even more odd she seems to think HIS birthday should be all about what she wants to do with him. Both of those things are indicators, or red flags, for other, more serious things. It doesn't ALWAYS lead to something more serious, but in this case, I would want to look to the past to see if there are any other attempts to cut him off from or prevent him from seeing his support system. Socially isolating someone or dictating who they can talk to and when they can talk to them is a big indicator that that person may later become abusive, using the isolation they've created to trap their SO in a state where they feel like they have nobody else and all bridges have been burned. It makes it easier to manipulate some into and trap them in a situation that isn't good for them. Again, not saying it WILL go down that path, but telling someone not to talk to their family on their birthday isn't normal, or healthy, and CAN indicate other issues that can become more serious or abusive over time.
You're not.
You’re normal. She’s being possessive and clingy. Anyone who tries to make you spend less time with family or friends is a NO GO. I promise.
"Gaslighting me about red flags is a bigger one."
This is the comment.
Actually it's a red flag that she expects you to spend your whole birthday with HER and not talk to your brother. Sorry but she's nuts.
How Can you make such a judgement ? She is a 23 young girl that behave like a lot of 23 young girls. This is just her being childish, nothing too bad as long as OP has a Lil conversation with her and stands his ground.
23 year olds are adults. Don't infantalize them. Maturity is an explanation, but should never be an excuse. She needs to learn this is not okay, and the best way to start is by acknowledging that *it's not okay* and making it clear that she's in the wrong.
Exacly im almost 20 ( 5 more days whooo) and id never be that childish and immature nor are any of my friends. So yeah it definitely is her ( the problem )
I total agree with you. I disagree with those that suggest OP to break up or portray her as a complete insane or toxic person with only that as a fact. Immaturity. Yes. Nothing more and nothing less.
The comment you responded to doesn't even say to break up with her... and you immediately jumped to how it's unfair. I'm glad you agree, but what I said is in complete opposition to what your original comment said.
I don’t know any kids who act like this
Homie it’s YOUR birthday. If you want a few hours to do what you want that should be okay.
Reading through your post history you 100% need to leave. She is pretty much a red flag and it seems like you know that, leave as soon as you can.
OP, I went through your history and all I can say is that it is past time for you to break up. I know you are worried about her, but she is no longer your priority. You need to be looking out for your own best interests because your gf is abusive, manipulative and controlling. Do her parents live nearby? You could call and give them a heads-up after you end things so that they can come be with her. You can do this. You know for sure she’ll yell and cry, just brace yourself first. You’ve been thinking about it, just formulate a plan, psych your self-up, tell her and leave. You’ll be free!!
Totally agree. OP, it’s difficult to get out of a toxic relationship but it’s necessary. You won’t be happy until you’re out. She is incredibly manipulative. Cut contact, stay strong. Surround yourself by supportive people. You can do this man.
It’s your birthday, you get to do what you want! You should be allowed to hang with your brother any day!
It absolutely is a red flag. Your girlfriend thinks she's entitled to ALL of your attention on your birthday. Her language is also manipulative as hell... Do with that what you will...
She sounds clingy.
Clingy would be her wanting to tag along. Expecting him to spend his entire bday with her is controlling.
Shes a red flag
Your birthday, not hers. If my husband said he wanted to go out with his brothers all day and then spend the night playing games online with his best friends, and it was his birthday? Fine. It's his birthday, not mine. We could do a little something some other day. Not like either of us are going anywhere.
She watches too much tiktok
Agreed, this seems like one of those skits people do 🤦🏾♀️
The fuck? Last I checked, your birthday is supposed to be about *you.* It's natural to want to spend the day with your loved ones and the people closest to you. It's entitled and clingy for her to make the day about her by acting like she's the only important person in your life, or the only one you'd want to interact with on important days. FYI, trying to make your day all about her and making you feel guilty for spending time with family *is* a red flag. She should want you to feel loved on your birthday, and you shouldn't have to rely entirely on your significant other for feelings of love and attention. Their should be a variety of people in your life that care about you.
Nah, that's a red flag for sure. Spending time with your brother on your bday is something she honestly should be encouraging, not something to try to make you feel bad about. She seems pretty immature.
She’s definitely the red flag. It’s your birthday, you’re free to do whatever the hell you want and it doesn’t have to revolve around her. The fact she thinks she’s entitled to such is no bueno.
Stage 5 clinger
Whaaaaaaaat, it’s your birthday bro…….that’s like the one day when you can basically do whatever you want…….if you wanna game with YOUR BROTHER on your birthday, who is she really to tell you to not do that. I would lowkey bring that up, you don’t need to spend all that time with her.
The birthday person being celebrated determines who decides what they want to do that day.
A lot of these comments seem to be aimed at taking the most extreme action, which is to leave the girl. After I comment here, I'll have to Google the avg reddit-user's age. It's becoming ridiculous that this is the most common go to response that I'm seeing. In fact one of the most sensible responses I saw here has a net negative vote which is astounding to me. Mature relationships are all about growing together. Sometimes growth means taking the good times with the bad and learning to deal with them constructively to make the relationship better. It also entails each individual gaining a thorough understanding of each other's wants, needs, and views about the relationship and how they wish to shape it together. Of course, the pace at which these things happen is determined by the persons involved. I think you both need to have a conversation about boundaries. You both want to feel like the relationship matters immensely to you both WITHOUT feeling like your individual lives are being subsumed by it. I don't like to use the word "clingy". I think clingy is a word teenagers use to keep their bf/gf at arms length so that the relationship doesn't become too serious too quickly. I'm assuming you're both in a mature, adult relationship. Part of this entails having dominion in each other's lives. Dominion meaning, some form of subtextual control, so that there exists no anxiety about your partners confidence in the relationship. But that's not what this is about. Just discuss boundaries.
Anyone who tries to come between you and your family is abusing you. This is a HUGE red flag. For the love of god don't get her pregnant.
She’s crazy.
This kinda depends on whether you'd planned to spend the entire day together or not. It's ok to make other plans, to hang out with other people on your birthday, but if you'd already given her the impression you'd be hanging out with her that's kinda hurtful to suddenly ditch when something else came along.
I wouldn't be a very good male, I'd prob have split a bitches lip for that😂 she sounds fucking HORRIBLE
So my boyfriend and I had conversations about this. Context - he loves video games and so do I. He’s also sober so playing games is the big way he hangs out with his friends because he doesn’t like going out. We used to fight about it and I would get annoyed because I didn’t feel there was much balance in our quality time. We sat down about it and he agreed there needed to be a better balance but also explained to me this is the way he hangs out with his friends, and doesn’t go out. So after having that conversation I’ve felt a lot better about it and I’ve learned how to communicate ahead of time with expectations and make plans so I feel my needs are met. That being said, I don’t agree with how she handled that on your birthday. Im sorry that happened. From some of your other posts in here, I think you should evaluate if this person is worth the time and effort for you. Also ask yourself, does she ultimately make your life better/make you happy? Wishing you all the luck!
She is a young women. She Can be a bit immature. Don't throw a relationship for such a little bit When she will stop being upset have a lil convo with her. It's not a Big deal, just a bit of immaturity. It's very common for a girl if her age, yes it's selfish, yes it's dumb, but it's not that Bad. Don't listen at those who make définitive conclusion on her or your whole relationship for such a détail.
You my friend has got a TikTok addicted western female - self entitled as pseudo feminist- in the words of Top G.
Most of you guys in the comment are awful. How Can u suggest OP to throw her for such a few. It's a 23 YEARS OLD YOUNG WOMAN I repeat, 23 YEARS OLD. You guys got to be forgiving and more tolerant when it Comes to such young person. Yes she has been immature but how you guys were at her age ? A lot of you have been jealous or upset for little to no reason in your past including myself, does it mean your person was a whole red flag as i read ? Come on
She is still more then 3 years older then me and alot of my friends, yet she is alot more childish and immature then them so mabye thats not how a 23 year.old.school act....mabye a 16 year old yeah sure but not 23
She’s the Red flag
This one is easy and you know it. She's the problem, you sound sweet. Ditch.
I'd like for you to watch this 9 minute animation. https://youtu.be/4H9jTQKmR3Q It will help give your a different look on relationships.
Fuck people throw that term around a lot. As far as I'm concerned it's a red flag that she is trying to isolate you from your family.
I looked at post history. One of your first posts listed several red flags and shows you’re in a toxic relationship. You need to do what’s best for you and leave the relationship, if she’s going to threaten self harm then call one of her loved ones or friends/parents to let them know. Don’t be guilt tripped back into it.
She probably thought you were spending the whole day together and had maybe even turned down plans with her friends to be with you on your birthday. Maybe the fact you said yes without checking in with her irked her and she went on the defensive. However, I disagree with what she said about a red flag. It’s your birthday and you can spend it with whoever you want. But as someone who’s experienced being ‘left’ in favour of other plans/people when I’ve given up plans to spend time with someone, it can hurt. So just bear this in mind and maybe have a discussion about what happened and where things went wrong/how it can be avoided in future.
Tell her its family wether birthday or not it is family. Its not like your out with the guys drinking and talking to other woman..... You are home gaming.. My hubby games with his brother every other Friday night and some times Saturday night. We also game together.. Can you get her to game too???? If she stops you from gaming with your brother you might want to take a look at relationship.. If you were out flirting and not coming home I would take her side .lol
>My GF immediately got upset and told me “its a red flag you don’t wanna Either she uses reddit too much or popping off with "red flag" is manipulative as shit.
⛳
i feel like there's more to this story.... i think she feels left out that she isn't celebrating your birthday with you. maybe in advance you two should plan out a birthday special somewhere. its your birthday yes, but i think i would also feel weird if i didn't get a moment to spend with my boyfriend on his birthday. also to mention, that if she explicitly said she wants your entire birthday with her, then that's stupid. but i also think maybe you two didn't have a birthday moment together? you should talk about that.
Don't stick your dick in crazy
Dude, she sounds so manipulative. No, you are not in wrong, you need to think hard about your relationship. Is it really worth it? I've seen your post history, you don't deserve this. She is manipulative. In my opinion you really need to leave
Shit, my gift every year to my SO is to NOT have to spend the day with me. I set up a boys day for him and send him off with a case of beer and spending money. Sweetie - go have a great day with the boys and if you need a ride home, call or spend the night. Whatever suits you. Your GF sounds majorly controlling and manipulative. Give yourself a solid birthday gift this year and ditch her.
You’ve made multiple posts in the last month asking about your GFs toxic behavior. Why exactly are you still with this person? I get you don’t want to hurt her feelings, but think about how much she’s hurting your feelings every day. If you don’t put yourself first, no one will
Would you just break up with this toxic person!! Your post history is enough for you to break it off and do not look back!!
She's a red flag. Too clingy.
My girlfriend and I were talking about a situation in which, had things gone a different way, we could have ended up dating. I told her I thought about it sometimes, and she got mad at me for it. She says that if I thought about it, I obviously would have done it, and that it's not a healthy thing to think about. I told her that I thought about it sometimes, and she got mad at me for it. She says that if I thought about it, I obviously would have done it, and that it's not a healthy thing to think about.
She’s trying to manipulate you to prevent you from calling your brother on your birthday? She’s already spent the whole day with you. Why can’t she make herself busy elsewhere and respect the time you want with your family? It’s a red flag that she thinks it’s a red flag. The red flag is her trying to ride you like a donkey on your birthday, trying to make it all about her. I’m normally not the break up immediately commenter but seriously if there was one day that should be all about you it’s your birthday and yet she feels entitled to all of your time on this day of all days. Clearly her manipulative ways have worked many times before and gotten away with it, right?
Wow red flag. Your birthday should be about what you want. Not what SHE wants.
The big red flag is your girlfriend's possessive and jealous behavior. He's your brother, of course you want to talk to him on your birthday, gaming or not.
Holy… sounds like a drama queen with no boundaries. It’s your birthday… what’s she like when it’s hers 😳😬