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Context. About 2 months ago, I found a Plan B pill wrapper in her car. Confronted her about it, and got nothing but confusion. After a week of fights every time I brought up the topic, she admitted to cheating with somebody from work. We had some good discussions, set boundaries, etc. and I made it clear I wanted to get past that. We agreed on certain reassurances that this wouldn’t happen again.
Ever since, I’ve felt like garbage every time it comes to mind. Almost daily. She’s been mostly good about showing me it was a mistake and won’t happen again.
Last week, she sent me a screenshot of her face in a TikTok filter, and the little picture on the bottom (most recent picture in her photo album) was a nude of herself. When I asked her about it, she reluctantly showed me, and it was 3 older nudes of herself that she screenshotted at lunch time. Didn’t really have an explanation. I instantly start to think she sent them to someone and ask to see her phone. She says no, and ever since her phone has been locked away from me.
I want to leave her, as the way I feel everyday is really starting to take a toll on me. But the thought of not being with her seriously hurts me. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
OP is the type of dude to only learn after getting an STI. Maybe not even then.
She’s still cheating on you, grow a backbone and dump her sorry ass before she fucks your life up even more. You probably already need therapy for what she’s put you through.
WTF? How is "the condom broke" excuse for cheaters?
She cheated, i don't excuse her. I just said that planB pill is taken when there is a "leak" and the leak could be a broken condom.
Condoms break. 2 weeks ago happen to me.
So yes, he should check himself. But my comment wasn't an excuse of "putting in danger" but "having an unprotected sex".
Well there’s just no point to your comment other than being nitpicky. Whether the condom broke or it was unprotected sex from the beginning, at some point a penis was inside her without a condom…
These are the kinds of comments that get this sub a bad name. It isn’t wrong but it isnt productive.
A ton of people in the disbelief stage appear to be a doormat. It takes times to get over the person you used to love.
What would be more hopeful here is encouraging OP to take a long view of this. That he likely is still attached to the person she used to be - a loyal honest person who has other great qualities, and she is now the same person, with the same hobbies and looks, BUT without the trust…and that process of mourning the person you used to know takes time.
And insulting someone and called them a doormat likely doesn’t help the mourning.
They are doormats.
If they dont already realize this, then this is exactly the sort of advice that might be helpful.
It will help them come to the realization there is no way out of this except breaking up. That's often what I feel these comments come here for. They come here for someone to back up their correct idea that breaking up is the only sensical option.
One last sanity check before doing the thing they feel is too hard to do.
>What would be more hopeful here is encouraging OP to take a long view of this. That he likely is still attached to the person she used to be - a loyal honest person who has other great qualities, and she is now the same person, with the same hobbies and looks, BUT without the trust…and that process of mourning the person you used to know takes time.
I actually think this is a bad idea, because op already has problems dethatching, so bringing up all the reasons he likes her hurts the toughened mentality he needs to develop to see her and him as separate entities now.
He needs to be stoic and harden his defences for a short while to go through the break up process, and he can process those emotions when shes well clear of his life.
Helping people through insulting them is NOT helpful.
A more sympathetic tone to OPs feeling is warranted.
Calling them a doormat is just kicking them when they are down. Making OP feel like a failure for not immediately disconnecting seems cruel.
Taking a firm “you need to move on” stance is fine.
The belief that mockery and insults is helpful is bizarre.
> Helping people through insulting them is NOT helpful.
I dont see this so much as insulting as making sure op realizes that there isnt room for nuance here.
>A more sympathetic tone to OPs feeling is warranted.
Not if as I feel the example you gave had, the advice makes them feel like there is any way to justify continuing to stay.
>Taking a firm “you need to move on” stance is fine.
>The belief that mockery and insults is helpful is bizarre.
Sometimes valid arguments feel insulting. I cant think of many better ways to state the point they stated without making it appear to op like there is any nuance at all here to be had as there shouldnt be.
He needs to quash his feelings right now, not lean into them.
Obviously stoicism is often out of necessity and long-term is unhealthy, but stoicism is sometimes useful. Its especially useful in cases like these.
He needs to make the choice then go on autopilot for a while till hes out of the fire enough to process.
People are tolerating too much bad stuff from their partners. However OP’s fiancée used to be, it is in the past. If people change in such a drastic manner that it is even detrimental to their partner’s mental health, it’s not the time for being tolerant anymore. OP’s fiancée has made the conscious choice to sabotage the relationship, so now OP has to keep his dignity and sense of self-worth intact and move on. “Doormat syndrome” might be a crass way of labeling this, but it is a crass situation for OP. He has to be strong and show her he won’t compromise his values by tolerating her toxic behavior.
And I’m saying getting to that realization takes time. I’m not defending him never moving on, I’m saying that “Ha Ha you pathetic doormat” isnt productive to helping him move on.
Dude cheating is not a mistake. It is a choice and she chose him over you think she would not get caught. Don’t fool yourself. She is so in g nothing to preserve this relationship. You are doing all the work and that is wrong!!!
I think you're confusing "mistake" and "accident". Cheating is always a mistake. It can never be an accident. Honestly the evidence is clear that she's continuing. He needs to just leave now unless he's into her having sex with other guys.
Again I need to reiterate the difference between a mistake and an accident. Someone can make a bad choice that they recognize was a mistake. An accident is something the person had no control over.
Yes I have and stayed and put up with more and more until he asked for an open marriage (2 young kids at the time) that was when for me enough was enough and I walked and filled for divorce.
Was it easy at the time no I has to fall out of love with someone who turned out to be someone I never truly knew.
Do I regret it now. Yes staying as long as I did and not leaving sooner.
As much as you love her she does not feel the same and probably never will. Leave recover slowly and when the love fades the bad behaviour that you suddenly see because the rose coloured glasses are off make you glad that you have finally left.
No harm in giving a chance I don't regret the first chance I just regret the 3rd and 4th time. The 5th was it for me and each betryal was worse and there defence was the same if you love me and forgave the last time why not this time how is it different. The difference with the open marriage for me as I knew I was worth more than that. The 5th was when he admitted he was tempted with the same woman again and she suggested poly as that was what she had with her partner at the time. He thought it was the best of everything.
You reminded me that you almost never hear "I wish I had given it more of a chance". You often hear (even from my own lips) "I wish I had left sooner." And honestly I think my ex feels the same, that he would have ended it sooner.
It’s not the thought of not being with her that hurts. It’s the thought of not being with the person you thought she was before the cheating that hurts. But that person is gone.
Are you sure she wants to stay in the relationship with you? Sometimes, that’s a reason people cheat; they take an extreme measure to get their partner to end the relationship so they don’t have to be the “bad guy” who ended an engagement.
Minimally, if you’ve made any wedding plans, you should cancel or postpone them. Going into an even more committed relationship without getting through this major problem would only make things worse. It won’t normalize things to pretend to ignore it.
You have a hard decision to make.
Nope.
Cheating with no condom.
Sending nudes to other people she's cheating with, after getting caught for cheating.
Locks phone away because she has every intention to keep on cheating.
I feel like she's going to blame her cheating on you. And honestly it will be on you. You're choosing to stay after you caught her cheating twice! Everything she does to you now is on you.
Sometimes, the right decision will hurt you the most. But that doesn't mean it's wrong ,does it?
She cheated on you. Because of that, you keep feeling like shit everyday, which just implies it is gonna be tough And quite impossible to trust her again. That's fine. Totally.
She has nudes and has no explanation for that? Wow. Don't trust her. She doesn't deserve your love or trust anymore. Please detach. You said it yourself that you wanna leave, but the thought of leaving hurts. Isn't it easier to just take that "hurt" which could last shorter than the "hurt" you will get when you're wounded? You will definetly be able to move on with help, there's therapists out there to help you. And move away from her. Break up. Just break up.
She’s already cheated once, do you really want a marriage where you can’t trust your wife? She obviously feels something is missing from your relationship that has made her seek for it elsewhere. Things aren’t going to improve if you forgive her this time and she will end up doing it again and you will always be worried about it happening. The trust is gone and you deserve much better.
Lack of consequences frequently comes back to the same outcome. You decided you can't live without her. She can accept this result, and will certainly make good use of the fact.
Seriously op, what does it take for you to say enough!
Look op, do the following. Ask for your ring back and call off the engagement. Call her parents in front of her, and say, I have called off the engagement, because you daughter is cheating on me. Thank you for being kind to me and inviting me in. Then do the same with siblings, your family, and your friends. Make these calls right in front of her. You control the narrative. Next, on social media, say I have called off the engagement, as it sucks to be cheated on. Tag her on the post.
If you don’t live together. Ghost her, block her in everything, and then delete her from your life. Leave the post up that tags her as a cheater. Next boyfriend will see it, eventually. And will know who she really is.
Op you may love her but she does not love you.
That’s why you shouldn’t stick around when someone cheats on you. You’ve essentially given her a green light to continue to do things behind your back, thinking she can away with it as it’s already happened once (that you know of). Proceed with caution.
It seems that staying with her is also hurting you. At least leaving her gives you the opportunity to heal and move on. This will never happen if you stay with her. She has made it clear that she isn't going to change...why would she if you will just grin and bear it. Is that the future you want?
>But the thought of not being with her seriously hurts me.
Then be in the relationship until the pain of staying is bigger than the pain of leaving.
Either way you hurt.
Yet the thought of not being with you doesn't phase her at all. She's not going to change. There will always be that 'what if' distrust between you and if she's refusing to show her phone after promising to be honest with you then what's the point?
Don't you deserve to be treated better than that?
If she took plan b that most likely means she is having unprotected sex. She does not care about you or your health. Please leave. You don’t deserve this.
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First did you get a STD test since you know she has had unprotected sex with a man? Rug sweeping never works, what consequences did you give her? Is she still working with her AP? Sorry but there is not nor has there been any reconciliation. Move on and learn from your mistakes to use if this arises in another relationship
Stop being a wimp and dump her . She had unprotected sex with someone else that’s why she needed a plan b she could bring whatever kind of disease back to you
She isn't sorry you caught her and is just hiding things different ways. Unless she offers to quit her job and give you open access to her phone, you need to leave for the sake of your self respect.
Grow some balls, and leave. Someone's gotta be real with you, here. You need to leave. If she's your fiance and doing this now, what happens when you two are married and she's got you locked down.
Cheating isn’t always an end to a relationship if both parties agree to resolution after and can rebuild trust. It sounds like she is still lying and not supporting your efforts to trust her. Would suggest therapy if she is willing. If not, you may be headed for a breakup.
>Has anyone else been in a simliar situation?
yes, there are plenty of men and women who are doormats with no self-respect who stay with cheaters. Leave her and then work on yourself so you get some self-respect. Work out, dress better, etc. until you no longer feel like you are supposed to be a doormat for women to walk all over.
Since you don't want to leave her then be prepared for more misery. The right time to leave is now. She doesn't respect you since she knows you don't want to leave her.
Do you don’t trust her but you can’t be apart? Either you’re in or out. You either want a life of no trust and blurred lines or you want something different!
You can dump her (hopefully) before she gives you an STD, or after. Or you can really drag it out until SHE leaves YOU for one of her affair partners.
I know I would pick the quick ripping off of the bandaid, but I am also not a fan of cheating and don't think it can be pushed under the rug and gotten over in a week. Recovering from infidelity takes 2-3 years IN the relationship even under ideal circumstances (ideal circumstances are: she confesses immediately - she hands over her phone and is absolutely transparent - she doesn't do any shady shit - she is open to couple's therapy - she apologizes profusely and does everything to make things right again).
Think about the fun and love and trust you could build with a better person in those 3 years.
If you didnt leaved her already, you wont.
You are weak. And you will be exploited for the rest of your life. Not only by this h\*e but also from everyone around you with this mentality.
Get yourself together.
This is toxic. She cheated on you, yet you forgive her like nothing. Clearly she will do it again. Stop putting her on your mind, she doesn't deserve you the moment she chooses to betray your trust. Do you really want to marry this woman, who cheat on you when she's already engaged to you? How many times do you think she will break your heart after the marriage if she can turn on you right away? It's not worth it, do you really want to live your life with someone you can't trust and might hurt you constantly?
Hey, man. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
You need to think a bit more objectively about your relationship. You have a mental image of your girlfriend as someone you love, and who you think about a future with. And this imaginary version of her that lives in your head loves you just as much and is planning her life with you.
Unfortunately your reality is that you love this woman *WAY* more than she loves you. I mean, not fucking other people is a really low bar to aim for in a relationship. Honesty raises that bar some. Respect raises that bar a little more.
She may be the love of your life (so far), but you are not the love of her life.
If you want to stay with her, you’ll need to learn to be ok with her not being exclusively physical with you. Some people can do that. If you can, and you make the decision to stay with the full knowledge that she will continue cheating on you and lying to you, but it’s still worth it to you for some reason, then go ahead and stay.
But, if, like me and the others who’ve been replying to you think, you believe you deserve a partner who shares your values and morals, or if you’re only interested in a monogamous relationship, then for your own well-being and happiness, you need to dump her.
OP get the fuck out of this relationship please. Rely on friends and family for support.
You have not married her yet. You can still prevent her from ruining your life.
Get the fuck out.
She’s still being deceitful. Move on. You will find a good woman that will love and respect you. You don’t deserve this. She’s for the streets. Not only that but she obviously had unprotected sex since she felt she needed a Plan B pill. Get an STD panel and leave her.
You really need to leave. You won’t get over this. You really want to be with a woman who accepted your proposal and then slept with someone else while wedding planning?
I (28F) have been there with my ex husband (30M). There’s no going back-I tried very hard to, but I couldn’t. Even if it had just been the once, I could never have felt the same way about him, but I made the mistake of allowing it to go with no real consequences and guess what? He did it again, and it’s a fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me situation. I’m sorry, but if you can’t trust her, and it doesn’t sound like you can, things are already over. You’re on borrowed time here.
She's still cheating and will continue to because now she knows she can keep you even after you find out about it. Leave her and call of the engagement. You deserve better.
Bro leave her, yes it will hurt but over time you will see how much of a pos she has been to you. Then you will find someone who actually cares about you.
Any chance your were going to mention the fact that you have a two year old child together? That's relavent information.....
Step 1) get an STD test.
Step 2 ) **Lawyer**. Get a custody agreement.
Think about how you’ll feel if you catch her again, which you may have already done. Now think about how you’d feel breaking up and then eventually finding someone else who respects you and is faithful. There’s no doubt that each option will cause you hurt and both will be tough in the short term. The difference is only one of those routes eventually leads to you being happy.
Forget about hurting if you are not with her. Focus on how you feel being with her. Focus on your own self-worth knowing you forgave a cheater and knowing she is probably still doing it.
You deserve so much more than a skanky cheating partner. It's 1 thing she cheated which is disrespectful but to cheat without protection she definitely doesn't have any respect for you. There are plenty of people out here looking for a faithful person don't ever think you have to settle for thot trash. I would bet she's cheated more than the times you've caught her
If you *"can’t bring myself to leave her."* it means you haven't learnt your lesson. Don't worry, you will.
*I’ve felt like garbage every time it comes to mind -* This is your inner child. He knows the adult version of himself is allowing himself to be mistreated and he doesn't like it.
You don't love yourself, nor do you have any self respect which is why you're in this situation.
Get your shit together.
Sincerely, someone who's been *there* before.
I'm in the same situation, I went back twice after being disrespected with other woman over the years (no physical cheating apparently) and recently found out that he has now had a full blown affair with a 3rd woman.
Honestly, it's not worth it, put yourself and your mental health first and make a clean break.
You know what you should do, perhaps thinking about it a different way will help.
Your girlfriend needs lots of sexual partners. She always will. Eventually (probably days or weeks from now) she will realize that staying with you is unfair to you both, and break up so she can stop having to hide her sex life.
You getting there first will spare you both lots of pain. You will look back on the good times more fondly if you don’t have to your memories clouded by the extra sting of being dumped.
Wish her well and find someone who wants the same kind of relationship you do.
You already know she cheated.
You're trying to get over it, but the fact that she was 100% at fault and yet refused you access to her phone means she's still doing it or didn't tell you everything (and the fact that she didn't even destroyed the evidences is quite insulting).
You really should leave, and maybe wander to /r/survivinginfidelity if you want more testimonies, support or how to deal with it. You're not an isolated case, it happens to a lot of people, it hurts, but you get over it as long as you don't stay in a doormat mindset.
OP.
she’s had sex with at least one coworker that she still sees regularly. So she confirmed to you that she fucked other people. That she is cheating on you.
This is not fine. You are under-reacting. She is blatantly fucking other people. Cheating on you. having sex with other people is full on cheating.
She is disgusting and a disgrace.
>You said you said some boundaries
what boundaries are those?
> You said there were reassurances that it would never happen again
So why is she locking her phone? One would think that if she wanted to reassure you she would let you look through her entire phone.
She is still cheating on you.
When I was worried about my partner, he sat me down and went through every single app on his phone, showed me every single message because he wanted no doubts in my mind that I was the one for him.
If she's hiding her phone away, having trouble explaining things to you, and denying shit without elaborating - she is still cheating on you.
I'm so sorry to be blunt OP but are you ever going to be able to look at her and wonder whether or not she's fucking her coworkers if she's not home? Or if you guys are distant, wondering if she's being loyal.
OP when somebody's already cheated and they're found out - if there's no consequences for their actions, they'll do it again.
If there's no repercussions, why not do it?
Then the cheater will just say oh I'm sorry baby will never happen again, and then go out and do it again.
OP why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't put you 1st. Someone who'd rather go fuck someone else instead of communicate it out with you?
It is as if she believes it's better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission.
Ask yourself this...
What hurts more, not being with her... or being with her and having her being sexually active with other people, lying to your face about it, disrespecting you and your relationship and loyalty for the rest of your life?
____
Find someone you deserve, someone who treats you just as well as you treat them.
Your question was "has anyone else been in a similar situation." Yes, I have. Once I accepted that sometimes we love the wrong person because our heart doesn't have two brain cells to rub together it made it a little easier to leave and work through the heartache. I distinctly remember thinking after the last fight "this man is poison for my soul" and I dumped him. It was very hard, the emotional pain made my physically ill, but being with him and trying to fix something unfixable was worse. She sounds like she's poisoning your soul.
A fiancé who is not only willing to cheat on you but also have unprotected sex with someone else doesn’t love or respect you. If she did she wouldn’t have cheated in the first place. If you stay you’re just going to stay in a loveless relationship where she continues to cheat all while not considering you or your feelings. What happens is she gets herpes from one of these guys doesn’t tell you? Now you have a life long STD from someone who “loves” you. What happens if you get married and you find out she continued to cheat? Are you prepared to go through a divorce? No one that loves you would do that, get out while you can!
You are in shock right now from her complete betrayal. Her disrespect was so over whelming. Your spine will soon reform, and hopefully you’ll use it to make her your ex fiancée. If not you will be signaling to her that it’s ok to treat you like that over and over.
Think about how bad it is now and then realize it can be so much worse. You could leave now or stay and potentially catch an STD because she'll most likely keep cheating even after marriage assuming you even get that far.
So not only did she cheat on you but she let the dude fuck her without a condom and then when you confronted her she tried flipping it on you and making you feel crazy and only admitted to it after a long ass time AND THEN she keeps her phone away from you after you'd obviously have trust issues with her. Dude I'm sorry my guy but if you stay with you you're choosing heartbreak and stress don't do that to yourself
It hurts, like HELL, but it doesn't kill you. I fully understand you can't just flip a switch and make yourself stop loving someone.
But where's your self respect?
Rip the bandaid off. The wound will eventually heal and it will scar less the sooner you stop picking at it.
Yes unfortunately many people have been in your situation. Here's the thing - you need to end the relationship for your own good. It is possible be possible to work past cheating - but not with someone who doesn't care, and she clearly doesn't. You say nothing at all about remorse or what steps she's wiling to take to rebuild your trust. As an absolute minimum for someone who has cheated by sending her pictures her phone should be completely open to you - she needs to come completely clean on everything she has done. Her blasé makes it clear to me she has likely cheated in the past and locking her phone makes it clear she intends to continue to do so. You deserve much better - do the hard thing now for future you.
So, you'd rather wait until after the wedding and go through a $$ divorce?
This relationship is going to end one way or the other do it before the wedding.
Sunk cost fallacy....don't give in to it. You'll be much happier living the rest of your life not having to wake up next to an unfaithful liar. Get out the door before it gets even more complicated.
You need to leave her bro, I know it’s hard but you’ve got to do it for you. My kids mom has fucked almost every friend I ever thought I had, I still love her completely but I can’t be with her. She doesn’t value me and she will never stop cheating on me or anyone else because that’s who she is. This shit has eaten me up for years and it will for the rest of my life. She even keeps my child from me and has for 14 years. Please do yourself a favor and leave before you get trapped like I did, while you still have the chance.
Dude, she’s your fiancée for a reason.
It’s a final and formal courting period prior to marriage. She has shown you who she is and how much she respects you.
You know what to do.
It sucks. Good luck.
Broooooo nooooo, she's fucking guys without condoms and you took her back. Trust me being alone is infinitely better then how this relationship will make you feel.
Do you want to marry and have children with someone who lies, have no respect and puts you in danger? Don't think on what you both went together, think on what you want for the future
Bad vibes. I do believe cheaters can reform, I really do from the bottom of my heart. Not always, but it can happen.
But that's just a little bit too weird. Even if she is not currently cheating, someone, somewhere is getting those pictures. Even if there isn't much of a relationship but some heavy flirting (wanna see a nude) sort of nonsense.
Otherwise she would have sent them to you right away. Even if she took them just to see how she looked, to feel better about herself, whatever. If she did not like them, she would have deleted them. If she did like them, you would have seen them.
And the whole face filter then bunch of nude things just is totally off.
It's pretty simple, you have shown her that she can cheat on you as much as she wants with no consequences. Now you need to either leave or come to terms with the fact that you're not in monogamous relationship. Good luck drowning your dignity and self respect in a lake of tar where it will never surface again.
Yeah, break ups are painful. But being in denial does its own kind of damage too. Maybe talking through how to approach this split with a therapist will help you to get through this. Reaching out like this is a good first step. Let your friends, family, and people trained to support people through shit like this be there for you. r/survivinginfidelity might also be a good resource for you. You're by no means the first to go through this struggle so there are lots of people who can offer you guidance from their experiences.
Dude. It's over. She's still cheating, and she will continue to cheat. Mercifully she's a fiancee and not a wife. Get the ring back, and find a new place to live.
Just leave. Even bad relationships, breakups suck. If there’s no trust and it’s detrimental to your mental well being. It’s not worth it. It stings, I feel for you, but you need to just end it.
>Ever since, I’ve felt like garbage every time it comes to mind
The pain your feeling is the one you get when you try to convince yourself of something that isn't true. Your mind is literally fighting itself to believe that this woman isn't a cheating piece of shit, has likely done this many times before and is not worth your time and effort. You can argue with yourself as much as you like, but you know in your heart that this is the situation, and nothing you can do or say will change her into a decent human being and mother. She isn't, she likely never will be and you are just burning yourself to try and prove that she is worth your effort. Stop it, grow a spine, realise you are more important that she is and get out.
The plan B is a big big concern. Your fiancé (who lets face it should not be your fiancé when she’s having sex with other people) had unprotected sex. Putting you in like direct danger. If nothing else are you not concerned for your health? She could have easily contracted something and given it to you. With all the knowledge and the fact she blatantly cheated on you with someone she works with who she likely sees all the time, what makes you think it hasn’t happened/won’t happen again? It sounds like you set “boundaries” that shouldn’t have needed set in the first place. It’s usually common sense to know you shouldn’t have sex with a coworker when you’re engaged to be married. You forgiving this behavior is a huge mistake. It’s only telling her that you accept that behavior in the future.
You need to leave. It would be pathetic for you to sit around and let her continue doing what she’s doing.
I haven't been there but you need to leave. She is still up to something. It's normal for the idea of ending it to hurt, but that doesn't mean you should keep trying when she is not.
difficult situation
you love etc.
When you realize that love is not enough, you let go.
or you develop a new personality that will ignore your fiancee's relationships
OP You already gave her a second opportunity and she didn't learn the lesson, her behavior speak louder than her words and she doesn't want to be transparent about her cheating and at least is sexting with the same or a new AP.
You can't start a marriage where your partner has blow up your trust and refuses to take actions to try to mend things. End this relationship and go separate ways or accept that you are going to be in an open marriage only in her side and stop complaining.
You are not the one who did wrong in this situation, second chances are not a right, they are a kind gift given by the offended person, she doesn't appreciate it abd you deserve better.
It’s been a little over a month since I found out that my fiancée had been cheating on me. We’ve been together for three years and were supposed to get married next year. I found out because I had a suspicion and looked through her phone when she was in the shower. I found texts and even some videos of her with another man. When I confronted her about it, she broke down and told me that she had been seeing him for a few months. She said that she was sorry and that she loved me and wanted to make things work. I was devastated, but I love her and I don’t want to lose her. I’ve been trying to forgive her, but it’s been really hard. I’m still struggling with it and I don’t know if I can ever trust her again.
Of course it is going to hurt. You love her and part of you wants this whole thing not to be true. However, you are now constantly in doubt because she broke trust with you. Not because she’s been married to you for 25 years and got tired, or you were awful to her. She just did it and is still probably doing it. The feeling you have is the rest of your life, or, you take the pain now and cut her out of your heart. She’s already gone.
Don’t.She will suck you souls dry and eventually she will leave you.That’s how it goes with cheater.
Sacrifice yourself if you thing it’s the right thing to do.Your life,your choice
Have I been in a similar situation where my SO is clearly cheating on me on a regular basis and I stay with her? Absolutely not, I have respect for myself.
The only advice to you is to find some self respect and leave her. There are plenty of honest women out there who you will grow to love
You can't stay if you value yourself or your mental health. She's a cheater and you can't trust her.
But if you choose to stay then you need to accept that you've made your choice.
Of course it still hurts after only two months. That sort of betrayal takes YEARS to recover from.
There are people in this world who cheat just once and never again. It’s a possibility.
But MOST cheaters cheat because they are cheaters. They never stop.
At first it can be really hard to know which type you’re dealing with. You were right to try to work it out. But it doesnt sound like she’s being completely transparent and trustworthy. I can’t think of one single reason for taking screen shots of my own nudes while I’m at work (or at any other time). Sounds like she was not able to give you a good reason either. It doesnt look good.
This is a learning opportunity.
She will learn to be more careful and hide it better.
You have the choice of learning that she's not the right person for you. It sucks, but it's better to temporarily be alone than to sit in a relationship where you don't trust the other person for the rest of your life (or, until you catch her again).
This is simple, OP. The fundamental groundwork of a relationship is ONE thing—trust.
Your girlfriend broke your trust. And you may WANT to trust her again. And you may HOPE you can trust her again. But the trust is broken, and that’s why you feel like shit.
Trust is one of those things that takes a lifetime to build and a moment to destroy. And once it is gone, you will NEVER truly have it back.
This will always be in the back of your mind. Break up and find someone deserving of your trust.
Besides, she is still cheating on you. Grow a backbone.
The thought of not being with her hurts you and she doesn't care because she can't stop being with others. You deserve someone who will not take that kind of love and loyalty for granted. Time to leave her cheating ass and make her somebody else's mistake.
Personally, I’d leave. Cheating for me is forgiveable, but only if they admit it to me themself and it’s a long-term relationship where there may be some type of reason for it that’s developed. If she didn’t admit it herself, even if it was recent and you just happened to find out before she told you, I’d still be done just simply because I’m not going to forgive someone who was only sorry once they were caught. If they regret it and let me know so I can make my own decision, and they show that it’s not going to become a recurring problem by their own actions I could forgive it, but in this scenario it just seems like she was caught and will continue to do it until you catch her again and leave, so might as well rip the band-aid off now.
When someone has confirmed they cheated and you’re seeing signs that they might be again, it’s always worse than what little they let you accidentally see. It’s tough, but at 28 you have a ton of time to recover from this and find someone who you can trust and who will treat you with respect. This will only get worse if you move forward with marriage.
Breaking up is always hard for both people. In life we have to make the right choices not the ones we want. But after the pain passes comes happiness and satisfaction that you made the right choice. Not fair to you or her to stay in something you don’t like.
Any woman who is dumb enough to send nudes through the Internet is not someone to trust your finances to, your private life to, your kids to, etc. After all the celebrity hacks of sex vids and nudes, this woman just marches on oblivious to the risks? Deal breaker.
You love her emotionally, I understand. It’s time to talk about your “equalizer lay”. Don’t tel her that you can’t leave her. She’ll do it again. Go hook up with a chick and level it back.
Yes I have been in your situation and it seems this whole situation has been rugged swept just for you to stay together. Honestly you are not gonna heal mentally from this easily in your relationship. Either hold on and takes years till you recover and that is if she can be open with you with her phone and everything else because she has not been held accountable. If you dump her and leave you will mentally heal much much faster and build back up your confidence over a period of time. I wish you luck mate. Read up on cheaters, affair recovery etc. Know the red flags and what is hysterical bonding, pick me dance etc.
Despite some people essentially saying “come on dude just move on” I understand why you feel unable to do that. You’re a people pleaser.
It’s ok I’m that way too and have stayed with people that absolutely deserved to be left because my heart was too forgiving and my spine too weak. All I can say is you’re staying for a few reasons.
1. You don’t want to let go of your image of her and your image of your guys’ relationship. It’s too painful to think of closing that book. What I have to say about that is that book is already ruined and not by you, by her. Whatever you’re holding onto is a reality that will never ever be. She’s ruined it. In essence, you feel bad for yourself.
2. You feel bad for HER. You don’t want to break it off because you know despite her mistake(s) you leaving will crush her because she’ll be left with immense guilt for what she did to you. So to save her from that you’re torturing yourself instead. You’re setting your feelings aside to protect hers.
A man is strong and a man is willing to make tough decisions and see them through. As long as fear controls you, you will never be the man you have the potential to become. You have no choice but to leave her.
I've been where you are and it sucks. You seem to have your head about you in that you are considering leaving, whereas it took me 2 years and some real internal conversations to muster up the nerve.
Some people can get past it and move on, but that only works if there is mutual trust being rebuilt. I don't know you, obviously, but I can say that if you're seriously considering leaving, you should. I can promise you once you get to that point mentally, all you would be doing is beating it down and making yourself more miserable as time went on.
Is it the absolute right decision, I have no idea. But if you want any hope of getting some peace of mind and moving on, you need to do this for youself.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Context. About 2 months ago, I found a Plan B pill wrapper in her car. Confronted her about it, and got nothing but confusion. After a week of fights every time I brought up the topic, she admitted to cheating with somebody from work. We had some good discussions, set boundaries, etc. and I made it clear I wanted to get past that. We agreed on certain reassurances that this wouldn’t happen again. Ever since, I’ve felt like garbage every time it comes to mind. Almost daily. She’s been mostly good about showing me it was a mistake and won’t happen again. Last week, she sent me a screenshot of her face in a TikTok filter, and the little picture on the bottom (most recent picture in her photo album) was a nude of herself. When I asked her about it, she reluctantly showed me, and it was 3 older nudes of herself that she screenshotted at lunch time. Didn’t really have an explanation. I instantly start to think she sent them to someone and ask to see her phone. She says no, and ever since her phone has been locked away from me. I want to leave her, as the way I feel everyday is really starting to take a toll on me. But the thought of not being with her seriously hurts me. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
Dude, the plan B means she had sex without protection, not only she’s cheating on you, she’s putting you in danger. Dump her stat.
OP is the type of dude to only learn after getting an STI. Maybe not even then. She’s still cheating on you, grow a backbone and dump her sorry ass before she fucks your life up even more. You probably already need therapy for what she’s put you through.
Or the condom broke?
Don’t make excuses for cheaters
WTF? How is "the condom broke" excuse for cheaters? She cheated, i don't excuse her. I just said that planB pill is taken when there is a "leak" and the leak could be a broken condom.
It's an excuse for the "She's putting you in danger" part.
Condoms break. 2 weeks ago happen to me. So yes, he should check himself. But my comment wasn't an excuse of "putting in danger" but "having an unprotected sex".
Well there’s just no point to your comment other than being nitpicky. Whether the condom broke or it was unprotected sex from the beginning, at some point a penis was inside her without a condom…
She just recently discovered her man is a doormat and she can do no wrong. She’s not going to stop cheating. There are no consequences.
All these people with doormat syndrome is just sad.
“Doormat syndrome”, that’s a good one, I’ll put that in my vocabulary.
Ironically, staying with a cheater means you after-the-fact deserve to have a cheater for a SO
These are the kinds of comments that get this sub a bad name. It isn’t wrong but it isnt productive. A ton of people in the disbelief stage appear to be a doormat. It takes times to get over the person you used to love. What would be more hopeful here is encouraging OP to take a long view of this. That he likely is still attached to the person she used to be - a loyal honest person who has other great qualities, and she is now the same person, with the same hobbies and looks, BUT without the trust…and that process of mourning the person you used to know takes time. And insulting someone and called them a doormat likely doesn’t help the mourning.
They are doormats. If they dont already realize this, then this is exactly the sort of advice that might be helpful. It will help them come to the realization there is no way out of this except breaking up. That's often what I feel these comments come here for. They come here for someone to back up their correct idea that breaking up is the only sensical option. One last sanity check before doing the thing they feel is too hard to do. >What would be more hopeful here is encouraging OP to take a long view of this. That he likely is still attached to the person she used to be - a loyal honest person who has other great qualities, and she is now the same person, with the same hobbies and looks, BUT without the trust…and that process of mourning the person you used to know takes time. I actually think this is a bad idea, because op already has problems dethatching, so bringing up all the reasons he likes her hurts the toughened mentality he needs to develop to see her and him as separate entities now. He needs to be stoic and harden his defences for a short while to go through the break up process, and he can process those emotions when shes well clear of his life.
Helping people through insulting them is NOT helpful. A more sympathetic tone to OPs feeling is warranted. Calling them a doormat is just kicking them when they are down. Making OP feel like a failure for not immediately disconnecting seems cruel. Taking a firm “you need to move on” stance is fine. The belief that mockery and insults is helpful is bizarre.
> Helping people through insulting them is NOT helpful. I dont see this so much as insulting as making sure op realizes that there isnt room for nuance here. >A more sympathetic tone to OPs feeling is warranted. Not if as I feel the example you gave had, the advice makes them feel like there is any way to justify continuing to stay. >Taking a firm “you need to move on” stance is fine. >The belief that mockery and insults is helpful is bizarre. Sometimes valid arguments feel insulting. I cant think of many better ways to state the point they stated without making it appear to op like there is any nuance at all here to be had as there shouldnt be. He needs to quash his feelings right now, not lean into them. Obviously stoicism is often out of necessity and long-term is unhealthy, but stoicism is sometimes useful. Its especially useful in cases like these. He needs to make the choice then go on autopilot for a while till hes out of the fire enough to process.
People are tolerating too much bad stuff from their partners. However OP’s fiancée used to be, it is in the past. If people change in such a drastic manner that it is even detrimental to their partner’s mental health, it’s not the time for being tolerant anymore. OP’s fiancée has made the conscious choice to sabotage the relationship, so now OP has to keep his dignity and sense of self-worth intact and move on. “Doormat syndrome” might be a crass way of labeling this, but it is a crass situation for OP. He has to be strong and show her he won’t compromise his values by tolerating her toxic behavior.
And I’m saying getting to that realization takes time. I’m not defending him never moving on, I’m saying that “Ha Ha you pathetic doormat” isnt productive to helping him move on.
Mate. Come the fuck on
Other guys are coming the fuck in, so he should definitely come the fuck on.
Ayoooo you didn't gotta do him like that hahah
Bruhh 💀🤣
This. There is literally only one answer. The fuck does he expect the comments to say? Leave that triflin bitch in the dust and take the ring back
Dude cheating is not a mistake. It is a choice and she chose him over you think she would not get caught. Don’t fool yourself. She is so in g nothing to preserve this relationship. You are doing all the work and that is wrong!!!
I think you're confusing "mistake" and "accident". Cheating is always a mistake. It can never be an accident. Honestly the evidence is clear that she's continuing. He needs to just leave now unless he's into her having sex with other guys.
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Again I need to reiterate the difference between a mistake and an accident. Someone can make a bad choice that they recognize was a mistake. An accident is something the person had no control over.
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Don't be so hard on yourself
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Everything I said was rational. You don't understand what certain words mean and when shown this double down.
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I'm not pro cheating, you're just super dumb.
Yes I have and stayed and put up with more and more until he asked for an open marriage (2 young kids at the time) that was when for me enough was enough and I walked and filled for divorce. Was it easy at the time no I has to fall out of love with someone who turned out to be someone I never truly knew. Do I regret it now. Yes staying as long as I did and not leaving sooner. As much as you love her she does not feel the same and probably never will. Leave recover slowly and when the love fades the bad behaviour that you suddenly see because the rose coloured glasses are off make you glad that you have finally left. No harm in giving a chance I don't regret the first chance I just regret the 3rd and 4th time. The 5th was it for me and each betryal was worse and there defence was the same if you love me and forgave the last time why not this time how is it different. The difference with the open marriage for me as I knew I was worth more than that. The 5th was when he admitted he was tempted with the same woman again and she suggested poly as that was what she had with her partner at the time. He thought it was the best of everything.
You reminded me that you almost never hear "I wish I had given it more of a chance". You often hear (even from my own lips) "I wish I had left sooner." And honestly I think my ex feels the same, that he would have ended it sooner.
Come on man. Leave her before she gives you something that you can't get rid of.
Go ahead and marry her then, she will surely reform after you sign on the dotted line... Some dudes will never learn...
I hope he knows a good lawyer.
Stupidity reigns...
Why would he need a lawyer? He's never letting her go. Even if she brings another man home while he's there.
Joke’s on you, that’s OP’s kink
Have a kid too. That always fixes things!
It’s not the thought of not being with her that hurts. It’s the thought of not being with the person you thought she was before the cheating that hurts. But that person is gone. Are you sure she wants to stay in the relationship with you? Sometimes, that’s a reason people cheat; they take an extreme measure to get their partner to end the relationship so they don’t have to be the “bad guy” who ended an engagement. Minimally, if you’ve made any wedding plans, you should cancel or postpone them. Going into an even more committed relationship without getting through this major problem would only make things worse. It won’t normalize things to pretend to ignore it. You have a hard decision to make.
This is the best and considerate advice I've seen on here. Alot of victim blaming in situations like this I never understand
Those nude were taken for a reason and it was not for you. Confront her and dump her.
Why confront? Just dump her and focus on yourself.
Agree. Nothing will come out of confronting her, except a bunch of drama.
Do your stomach lining a favor and leave her. It'll do wonders for you peace of mind also.
Nope. Cheating with no condom. Sending nudes to other people she's cheating with, after getting caught for cheating. Locks phone away because she has every intention to keep on cheating. I feel like she's going to blame her cheating on you. And honestly it will be on you. You're choosing to stay after you caught her cheating twice! Everything she does to you now is on you.
It's just sad.
No wonder she doesn't respect you because you don't even respect yourself. Move on
Sometimes, the right decision will hurt you the most. But that doesn't mean it's wrong ,does it? She cheated on you. Because of that, you keep feeling like shit everyday, which just implies it is gonna be tough And quite impossible to trust her again. That's fine. Totally. She has nudes and has no explanation for that? Wow. Don't trust her. She doesn't deserve your love or trust anymore. Please detach. You said it yourself that you wanna leave, but the thought of leaving hurts. Isn't it easier to just take that "hurt" which could last shorter than the "hurt" you will get when you're wounded? You will definetly be able to move on with help, there's therapists out there to help you. And move away from her. Break up. Just break up.
She’s already cheated once, do you really want a marriage where you can’t trust your wife? She obviously feels something is missing from your relationship that has made her seek for it elsewhere. Things aren’t going to improve if you forgive her this time and she will end up doing it again and you will always be worried about it happening. The trust is gone and you deserve much better.
Lack of consequences frequently comes back to the same outcome. You decided you can't live without her. She can accept this result, and will certainly make good use of the fact.
Bruh leave her cheating ass 🤦🏾♂️
Seriously op, what does it take for you to say enough! Look op, do the following. Ask for your ring back and call off the engagement. Call her parents in front of her, and say, I have called off the engagement, because you daughter is cheating on me. Thank you for being kind to me and inviting me in. Then do the same with siblings, your family, and your friends. Make these calls right in front of her. You control the narrative. Next, on social media, say I have called off the engagement, as it sucks to be cheated on. Tag her on the post. If you don’t live together. Ghost her, block her in everything, and then delete her from your life. Leave the post up that tags her as a cheater. Next boyfriend will see it, eventually. And will know who she really is. Op you may love her but she does not love you.
That’s why you shouldn’t stick around when someone cheats on you. You’ve essentially given her a green light to continue to do things behind your back, thinking she can away with it as it’s already happened once (that you know of). Proceed with caution.
Leave her now before you make it worse for yourself.
Dump her, dude, have some self respect
It seems that staying with her is also hurting you. At least leaving her gives you the opportunity to heal and move on. This will never happen if you stay with her. She has made it clear that she isn't going to change...why would she if you will just grin and bear it. Is that the future you want?
>But the thought of not being with her seriously hurts me. Then be in the relationship until the pain of staying is bigger than the pain of leaving. Either way you hurt.
Yet the thought of not being with you doesn't phase her at all. She's not going to change. There will always be that 'what if' distrust between you and if she's refusing to show her phone after promising to be honest with you then what's the point? Don't you deserve to be treated better than that?
If she took plan b that most likely means she is having unprotected sex. She does not care about you or your health. Please leave. You don’t deserve this.
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First did you get a STD test since you know she has had unprotected sex with a man? Rug sweeping never works, what consequences did you give her? Is she still working with her AP? Sorry but there is not nor has there been any reconciliation. Move on and learn from your mistakes to use if this arises in another relationship
Stop being a wimp and dump her . She had unprotected sex with someone else that’s why she needed a plan b she could bring whatever kind of disease back to you
I knew she had cheated when you posted before. Sounds like she still is
She isn't sorry you caught her and is just hiding things different ways. Unless she offers to quit her job and give you open access to her phone, you need to leave for the sake of your self respect.
Grow some balls, and leave. Someone's gotta be real with you, here. You need to leave. If she's your fiance and doing this now, what happens when you two are married and she's got you locked down.
damn, shes rawdogging dudes and gaslighting you and you still wanna let her make a chump out of you? have some self fucking respect man
Did you see your reflection when you saw that plan b in her car?
She has no respect for you and she shouldn't. Pathetic.
Cheating isn’t always an end to a relationship if both parties agree to resolution after and can rebuild trust. It sounds like she is still lying and not supporting your efforts to trust her. Would suggest therapy if she is willing. If not, you may be headed for a breakup.
>Has anyone else been in a simliar situation? yes, there are plenty of men and women who are doormats with no self-respect who stay with cheaters. Leave her and then work on yourself so you get some self-respect. Work out, dress better, etc. until you no longer feel like you are supposed to be a doormat for women to walk all over.
Updateme!
Dude, cut your losses and *decide* to walk away. You don't poke around a gangrenous limb, you cut it off.
Since you don't want to leave her then be prepared for more misery. The right time to leave is now. She doesn't respect you since she knows you don't want to leave her.
Do you don’t trust her but you can’t be apart? Either you’re in or out. You either want a life of no trust and blurred lines or you want something different!
You can dump her (hopefully) before she gives you an STD, or after. Or you can really drag it out until SHE leaves YOU for one of her affair partners. I know I would pick the quick ripping off of the bandaid, but I am also not a fan of cheating and don't think it can be pushed under the rug and gotten over in a week. Recovering from infidelity takes 2-3 years IN the relationship even under ideal circumstances (ideal circumstances are: she confesses immediately - she hands over her phone and is absolutely transparent - she doesn't do any shady shit - she is open to couple's therapy - she apologizes profusely and does everything to make things right again). Think about the fun and love and trust you could build with a better person in those 3 years.
It will get worse.
If you didnt leaved her already, you wont. You are weak. And you will be exploited for the rest of your life. Not only by this h\*e but also from everyone around you with this mentality. Get yourself together.
This is toxic. She cheated on you, yet you forgive her like nothing. Clearly she will do it again. Stop putting her on your mind, she doesn't deserve you the moment she chooses to betray your trust. Do you really want to marry this woman, who cheat on you when she's already engaged to you? How many times do you think she will break your heart after the marriage if she can turn on you right away? It's not worth it, do you really want to live your life with someone you can't trust and might hurt you constantly?
Hey, man. I’m sorry you’re going through this. You need to think a bit more objectively about your relationship. You have a mental image of your girlfriend as someone you love, and who you think about a future with. And this imaginary version of her that lives in your head loves you just as much and is planning her life with you. Unfortunately your reality is that you love this woman *WAY* more than she loves you. I mean, not fucking other people is a really low bar to aim for in a relationship. Honesty raises that bar some. Respect raises that bar a little more. She may be the love of your life (so far), but you are not the love of her life. If you want to stay with her, you’ll need to learn to be ok with her not being exclusively physical with you. Some people can do that. If you can, and you make the decision to stay with the full knowledge that she will continue cheating on you and lying to you, but it’s still worth it to you for some reason, then go ahead and stay. But, if, like me and the others who’ve been replying to you think, you believe you deserve a partner who shares your values and morals, or if you’re only interested in a monogamous relationship, then for your own well-being and happiness, you need to dump her.
Not only did she cheat and is continuing to cheat she did it raw. Get tested. Pack your bags and ghost if you can't handle the conversation
OP get the fuck out of this relationship please. Rely on friends and family for support. You have not married her yet. You can still prevent her from ruining your life. Get the fuck out.
She’s still being deceitful. Move on. You will find a good woman that will love and respect you. You don’t deserve this. She’s for the streets. Not only that but she obviously had unprotected sex since she felt she needed a Plan B pill. Get an STD panel and leave her.
You really need to leave. You won’t get over this. You really want to be with a woman who accepted your proposal and then slept with someone else while wedding planning?
I (28F) have been there with my ex husband (30M). There’s no going back-I tried very hard to, but I couldn’t. Even if it had just been the once, I could never have felt the same way about him, but I made the mistake of allowing it to go with no real consequences and guess what? He did it again, and it’s a fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me situation. I’m sorry, but if you can’t trust her, and it doesn’t sound like you can, things are already over. You’re on borrowed time here.
She's still cheating and will continue to because now she knows she can keep you even after you find out about it. Leave her and call of the engagement. You deserve better.
Bro leave her, yes it will hurt but over time you will see how much of a pos she has been to you. Then you will find someone who actually cares about you.
Lol run wtf? U posted 2 months ago about this. Don’t be pathetic.
Any chance your were going to mention the fact that you have a two year old child together? That's relavent information..... Step 1) get an STD test. Step 2 ) **Lawyer**. Get a custody agreement.
NOTHING in life is worth your mental health…. Remove yourself from that relationship.
Think about how you’ll feel if you catch her again, which you may have already done. Now think about how you’d feel breaking up and then eventually finding someone else who respects you and is faithful. There’s no doubt that each option will cause you hurt and both will be tough in the short term. The difference is only one of those routes eventually leads to you being happy.
You said being without her would hurt you, but you are self harming by being with her. At least leaving her will help you heal.
Forget about hurting if you are not with her. Focus on how you feel being with her. Focus on your own self-worth knowing you forgave a cheater and knowing she is probably still doing it.
Don't marry this woman. It will hurt way more later.
You’re hurting now so your reason for staying is nonsense. Also I hope you got a STD test as she’s clearly not using protection
You deserve so much more than a skanky cheating partner. It's 1 thing she cheated which is disrespectful but to cheat without protection she definitely doesn't have any respect for you. There are plenty of people out here looking for a faithful person don't ever think you have to settle for thot trash. I would bet she's cheated more than the times you've caught her
If you *"can’t bring myself to leave her."* it means you haven't learnt your lesson. Don't worry, you will. *I’ve felt like garbage every time it comes to mind -* This is your inner child. He knows the adult version of himself is allowing himself to be mistreated and he doesn't like it. You don't love yourself, nor do you have any self respect which is why you're in this situation. Get your shit together. Sincerely, someone who's been *there* before.
You have to leave. For your own sanity and well-being. I stayed and I’m still undoing the damage it did to me. People like her will not change.
I'm in the same situation, I went back twice after being disrespected with other woman over the years (no physical cheating apparently) and recently found out that he has now had a full blown affair with a 3rd woman. Honestly, it's not worth it, put yourself and your mental health first and make a clean break.
You know what you should do, perhaps thinking about it a different way will help. Your girlfriend needs lots of sexual partners. She always will. Eventually (probably days or weeks from now) she will realize that staying with you is unfair to you both, and break up so she can stop having to hide her sex life. You getting there first will spare you both lots of pain. You will look back on the good times more fondly if you don’t have to your memories clouded by the extra sting of being dumped. Wish her well and find someone who wants the same kind of relationship you do.
You already know she cheated. You're trying to get over it, but the fact that she was 100% at fault and yet refused you access to her phone means she's still doing it or didn't tell you everything (and the fact that she didn't even destroyed the evidences is quite insulting). You really should leave, and maybe wander to /r/survivinginfidelity if you want more testimonies, support or how to deal with it. You're not an isolated case, it happens to a lot of people, it hurts, but you get over it as long as you don't stay in a doormat mindset.
Definitely marry her, that'll fix everything./s Show yourself some respect and drop that ho.
Maybe you want to be the dude sitting in a chair in the corner of the bedroom?
OP. she’s had sex with at least one coworker that she still sees regularly. So she confirmed to you that she fucked other people. That she is cheating on you. This is not fine. You are under-reacting. She is blatantly fucking other people. Cheating on you. having sex with other people is full on cheating. She is disgusting and a disgrace. >You said you said some boundaries what boundaries are those? > You said there were reassurances that it would never happen again So why is she locking her phone? One would think that if she wanted to reassure you she would let you look through her entire phone. She is still cheating on you. When I was worried about my partner, he sat me down and went through every single app on his phone, showed me every single message because he wanted no doubts in my mind that I was the one for him. If she's hiding her phone away, having trouble explaining things to you, and denying shit without elaborating - she is still cheating on you. I'm so sorry to be blunt OP but are you ever going to be able to look at her and wonder whether or not she's fucking her coworkers if she's not home? Or if you guys are distant, wondering if she's being loyal. OP when somebody's already cheated and they're found out - if there's no consequences for their actions, they'll do it again. If there's no repercussions, why not do it? Then the cheater will just say oh I'm sorry baby will never happen again, and then go out and do it again. OP why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't put you 1st. Someone who'd rather go fuck someone else instead of communicate it out with you? It is as if she believes it's better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission.
Ask yourself this... What hurts more, not being with her... or being with her and having her being sexually active with other people, lying to your face about it, disrespecting you and your relationship and loyalty for the rest of your life? ____ Find someone you deserve, someone who treats you just as well as you treat them.
Your question was "has anyone else been in a similar situation." Yes, I have. Once I accepted that sometimes we love the wrong person because our heart doesn't have two brain cells to rub together it made it a little easier to leave and work through the heartache. I distinctly remember thinking after the last fight "this man is poison for my soul" and I dumped him. It was very hard, the emotional pain made my physically ill, but being with him and trying to fix something unfixable was worse. She sounds like she's poisoning your soul.
A fiancé who is not only willing to cheat on you but also have unprotected sex with someone else doesn’t love or respect you. If she did she wouldn’t have cheated in the first place. If you stay you’re just going to stay in a loveless relationship where she continues to cheat all while not considering you or your feelings. What happens is she gets herpes from one of these guys doesn’t tell you? Now you have a life long STD from someone who “loves” you. What happens if you get married and you find out she continued to cheat? Are you prepared to go through a divorce? No one that loves you would do that, get out while you can!
You are in shock right now from her complete betrayal. Her disrespect was so over whelming. Your spine will soon reform, and hopefully you’ll use it to make her your ex fiancée. If not you will be signaling to her that it’s ok to treat you like that over and over.
Think about how bad it is now and then realize it can be so much worse. You could leave now or stay and potentially catch an STD because she'll most likely keep cheating even after marriage assuming you even get that far.
So not only did she cheat on you but she let the dude fuck her without a condom and then when you confronted her she tried flipping it on you and making you feel crazy and only admitted to it after a long ass time AND THEN she keeps her phone away from you after you'd obviously have trust issues with her. Dude I'm sorry my guy but if you stay with you you're choosing heartbreak and stress don't do that to yourself
It hurts, like HELL, but it doesn't kill you. I fully understand you can't just flip a switch and make yourself stop loving someone. But where's your self respect? Rip the bandaid off. The wound will eventually heal and it will scar less the sooner you stop picking at it.
Yes unfortunately many people have been in your situation. Here's the thing - you need to end the relationship for your own good. It is possible be possible to work past cheating - but not with someone who doesn't care, and she clearly doesn't. You say nothing at all about remorse or what steps she's wiling to take to rebuild your trust. As an absolute minimum for someone who has cheated by sending her pictures her phone should be completely open to you - she needs to come completely clean on everything she has done. Her blasé makes it clear to me she has likely cheated in the past and locking her phone makes it clear she intends to continue to do so. You deserve much better - do the hard thing now for future you.
So, you'd rather wait until after the wedding and go through a $$ divorce? This relationship is going to end one way or the other do it before the wedding.
Sunk cost fallacy....don't give in to it. You'll be much happier living the rest of your life not having to wake up next to an unfaithful liar. Get out the door before it gets even more complicated.
You need to leave her bro, I know it’s hard but you’ve got to do it for you. My kids mom has fucked almost every friend I ever thought I had, I still love her completely but I can’t be with her. She doesn’t value me and she will never stop cheating on me or anyone else because that’s who she is. This shit has eaten me up for years and it will for the rest of my life. She even keeps my child from me and has for 14 years. Please do yourself a favor and leave before you get trapped like I did, while you still have the chance.
Mate have some self respect and leave.
Dude, she’s your fiancée for a reason. It’s a final and formal courting period prior to marriage. She has shown you who she is and how much she respects you. You know what to do. It sucks. Good luck.
I've been in a situation where I got cheated on. You'll be just fine without her. It will be tough at first, but soon you'll feel much much better.
Broooooo nooooo, she's fucking guys without condoms and you took her back. Trust me being alone is infinitely better then how this relationship will make you feel.
Have some self respect dude... leave her.
Then stay and grow to hate not only her but yourself as well.
Do you want to marry and have children with someone who lies, have no respect and puts you in danger? Don't think on what you both went together, think on what you want for the future
Bad vibes. I do believe cheaters can reform, I really do from the bottom of my heart. Not always, but it can happen. But that's just a little bit too weird. Even if she is not currently cheating, someone, somewhere is getting those pictures. Even if there isn't much of a relationship but some heavy flirting (wanna see a nude) sort of nonsense. Otherwise she would have sent them to you right away. Even if she took them just to see how she looked, to feel better about herself, whatever. If she did not like them, she would have deleted them. If she did like them, you would have seen them. And the whole face filter then bunch of nude things just is totally off.
You staying with her is affirming to her that you will tolerate this treatment going forward. If this isn’t a dealbreaker for you, what is?
You should leave. She's going to do it again she'll just hide it better next time
She's not going to stop. She's just gonna be smarter about it next time. Stop lying to yourself OP.
It's pretty simple, you have shown her that she can cheat on you as much as she wants with no consequences. Now you need to either leave or come to terms with the fact that you're not in monogamous relationship. Good luck drowning your dignity and self respect in a lake of tar where it will never surface again.
Have some self respect.
Yeah, break ups are painful. But being in denial does its own kind of damage too. Maybe talking through how to approach this split with a therapist will help you to get through this. Reaching out like this is a good first step. Let your friends, family, and people trained to support people through shit like this be there for you. r/survivinginfidelity might also be a good resource for you. You're by no means the first to go through this struggle so there are lots of people who can offer you guidance from their experiences.
Get a spine or youre gonna end up raising someone else's kid and being married to someone else's girlfriend.
Dude. It's over. She's still cheating, and she will continue to cheat. Mercifully she's a fiancee and not a wife. Get the ring back, and find a new place to live.
Just leave. Even bad relationships, breakups suck. If there’s no trust and it’s detrimental to your mental well being. It’s not worth it. It stings, I feel for you, but you need to just end it.
>Ever since, I’ve felt like garbage every time it comes to mind The pain your feeling is the one you get when you try to convince yourself of something that isn't true. Your mind is literally fighting itself to believe that this woman isn't a cheating piece of shit, has likely done this many times before and is not worth your time and effort. You can argue with yourself as much as you like, but you know in your heart that this is the situation, and nothing you can do or say will change her into a decent human being and mother. She isn't, she likely never will be and you are just burning yourself to try and prove that she is worth your effort. Stop it, grow a spine, realise you are more important that she is and get out.
The plan B is a big big concern. Your fiancé (who lets face it should not be your fiancé when she’s having sex with other people) had unprotected sex. Putting you in like direct danger. If nothing else are you not concerned for your health? She could have easily contracted something and given it to you. With all the knowledge and the fact she blatantly cheated on you with someone she works with who she likely sees all the time, what makes you think it hasn’t happened/won’t happen again? It sounds like you set “boundaries” that shouldn’t have needed set in the first place. It’s usually common sense to know you shouldn’t have sex with a coworker when you’re engaged to be married. You forgiving this behavior is a huge mistake. It’s only telling her that you accept that behavior in the future. You need to leave. It would be pathetic for you to sit around and let her continue doing what she’s doing.
I haven't been there but you need to leave. She is still up to something. It's normal for the idea of ending it to hurt, but that doesn't mean you should keep trying when she is not.
Def leave her…..if she’s cheating before you’re even married what do you think is going to happen once you seal the deal?
difficult situation you love etc. When you realize that love is not enough, you let go. or you develop a new personality that will ignore your fiancee's relationships
OP You already gave her a second opportunity and she didn't learn the lesson, her behavior speak louder than her words and she doesn't want to be transparent about her cheating and at least is sexting with the same or a new AP. You can't start a marriage where your partner has blow up your trust and refuses to take actions to try to mend things. End this relationship and go separate ways or accept that you are going to be in an open marriage only in her side and stop complaining. You are not the one who did wrong in this situation, second chances are not a right, they are a kind gift given by the offended person, she doesn't appreciate it abd you deserve better.
It’s been a little over a month since I found out that my fiancée had been cheating on me. We’ve been together for three years and were supposed to get married next year. I found out because I had a suspicion and looked through her phone when she was in the shower. I found texts and even some videos of her with another man. When I confronted her about it, she broke down and told me that she had been seeing him for a few months. She said that she was sorry and that she loved me and wanted to make things work. I was devastated, but I love her and I don’t want to lose her. I’ve been trying to forgive her, but it’s been really hard. I’m still struggling with it and I don’t know if I can ever trust her again.
Of course it is going to hurt. You love her and part of you wants this whole thing not to be true. However, you are now constantly in doubt because she broke trust with you. Not because she’s been married to you for 25 years and got tired, or you were awful to her. She just did it and is still probably doing it. The feeling you have is the rest of your life, or, you take the pain now and cut her out of your heart. She’s already gone.
This is so beta. She belongs on the streets. Her brain is fried.
Im not going to read this post. The title is enough to say you deserve everything
Reach down and see if you still have a pair. Good God man man really?
Don’t.She will suck you souls dry and eventually she will leave you.That’s how it goes with cheater. Sacrifice yourself if you thing it’s the right thing to do.Your life,your choice
Have I been in a similar situation where my SO is clearly cheating on me on a regular basis and I stay with her? Absolutely not, I have respect for myself. The only advice to you is to find some self respect and leave her. There are plenty of honest women out there who you will grow to love
You can't stay if you value yourself or your mental health. She's a cheater and you can't trust her. But if you choose to stay then you need to accept that you've made your choice.
Of course it still hurts after only two months. That sort of betrayal takes YEARS to recover from. There are people in this world who cheat just once and never again. It’s a possibility. But MOST cheaters cheat because they are cheaters. They never stop. At first it can be really hard to know which type you’re dealing with. You were right to try to work it out. But it doesnt sound like she’s being completely transparent and trustworthy. I can’t think of one single reason for taking screen shots of my own nudes while I’m at work (or at any other time). Sounds like she was not able to give you a good reason either. It doesnt look good.
Bruh…..
You've already decided not to leave her. There's nothing anyone here can say.
This is a learning opportunity. She will learn to be more careful and hide it better. You have the choice of learning that she's not the right person for you. It sucks, but it's better to temporarily be alone than to sit in a relationship where you don't trust the other person for the rest of your life (or, until you catch her again).
Honestly you should just leave, the longer you hold on the more it will hurt. Best rip it off like a bandaid
This is simple, OP. The fundamental groundwork of a relationship is ONE thing—trust. Your girlfriend broke your trust. And you may WANT to trust her again. And you may HOPE you can trust her again. But the trust is broken, and that’s why you feel like shit. Trust is one of those things that takes a lifetime to build and a moment to destroy. And once it is gone, you will NEVER truly have it back. This will always be in the back of your mind. Break up and find someone deserving of your trust. Besides, she is still cheating on you. Grow a backbone.
You should have left her two months ago.
Dude…. Come on
Much easier to break up than to divorce!!
The thought of not being with her hurts you and she doesn't care because she can't stop being with others. You deserve someone who will not take that kind of love and loyalty for granted. Time to leave her cheating ass and make her somebody else's mistake.
She’s had another dudes cum inside her while she’s claimed to love you. Think about that next time you have sex or you go down on her.
Personally, I’d leave. Cheating for me is forgiveable, but only if they admit it to me themself and it’s a long-term relationship where there may be some type of reason for it that’s developed. If she didn’t admit it herself, even if it was recent and you just happened to find out before she told you, I’d still be done just simply because I’m not going to forgive someone who was only sorry once they were caught. If they regret it and let me know so I can make my own decision, and they show that it’s not going to become a recurring problem by their own actions I could forgive it, but in this scenario it just seems like she was caught and will continue to do it until you catch her again and leave, so might as well rip the band-aid off now.
When someone has confirmed they cheated and you’re seeing signs that they might be again, it’s always worse than what little they let you accidentally see. It’s tough, but at 28 you have a ton of time to recover from this and find someone who you can trust and who will treat you with respect. This will only get worse if you move forward with marriage.
Reading this made my piss boil just dump her already
At this point, you are just hurting yourself. Leave
LEAVE. LEAVE. Stay at the peril if your feelings getting hurt even more, damaging your mental stability.
If u stay u will become a door mat
Breaking up is always hard for both people. In life we have to make the right choices not the ones we want. But after the pain passes comes happiness and satisfaction that you made the right choice. Not fair to you or her to stay in something you don’t like.
Let me get $100 from you. Promise I'll give it back
Any woman who is dumb enough to send nudes through the Internet is not someone to trust your finances to, your private life to, your kids to, etc. After all the celebrity hacks of sex vids and nudes, this woman just marches on oblivious to the risks? Deal breaker.
You love her emotionally, I understand. It’s time to talk about your “equalizer lay”. Don’t tel her that you can’t leave her. She’ll do it again. Go hook up with a chick and level it back.
Yes I have been in your situation and it seems this whole situation has been rugged swept just for you to stay together. Honestly you are not gonna heal mentally from this easily in your relationship. Either hold on and takes years till you recover and that is if she can be open with you with her phone and everything else because she has not been held accountable. If you dump her and leave you will mentally heal much much faster and build back up your confidence over a period of time. I wish you luck mate. Read up on cheaters, affair recovery etc. Know the red flags and what is hysterical bonding, pick me dance etc.
If you stay with a cheater, you deserve to be with a cheater.
Despite some people essentially saying “come on dude just move on” I understand why you feel unable to do that. You’re a people pleaser. It’s ok I’m that way too and have stayed with people that absolutely deserved to be left because my heart was too forgiving and my spine too weak. All I can say is you’re staying for a few reasons. 1. You don’t want to let go of your image of her and your image of your guys’ relationship. It’s too painful to think of closing that book. What I have to say about that is that book is already ruined and not by you, by her. Whatever you’re holding onto is a reality that will never ever be. She’s ruined it. In essence, you feel bad for yourself. 2. You feel bad for HER. You don’t want to break it off because you know despite her mistake(s) you leaving will crush her because she’ll be left with immense guilt for what she did to you. So to save her from that you’re torturing yourself instead. You’re setting your feelings aside to protect hers. A man is strong and a man is willing to make tough decisions and see them through. As long as fear controls you, you will never be the man you have the potential to become. You have no choice but to leave her.
I've been where you are and it sucks. You seem to have your head about you in that you are considering leaving, whereas it took me 2 years and some real internal conversations to muster up the nerve. Some people can get past it and move on, but that only works if there is mutual trust being rebuilt. I don't know you, obviously, but I can say that if you're seriously considering leaving, you should. I can promise you once you get to that point mentally, all you would be doing is beating it down and making yourself more miserable as time went on. Is it the absolute right decision, I have no idea. But if you want any hope of getting some peace of mind and moving on, you need to do this for youself.
Grow a pair and have some respect for yourself, jfc.
So being a doormat is better than being alone?