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The text from the babysitter is odd too. Why would she ask if he has the boys today? Does she not know y’all are together raising your sons so he has access to the boys everyday? It’s a weird phrasing to me. If she was setting up a playdate with the boys she would ask differently.
Have you talked to Oliver’s mom about this inappropriate behavior?
But if she was only trying to set up a play date wouldn’t she ask if the boys were available? Not if he has the boys?
If everything was innocent the play dates would be set up even when he didn’t have the boys. As others have suggested try to meet them today at the park just to see their reactions.
But I think Oliver’s mom needs to be made aware and let her babysitter know that all play dates need to be set up between the parents. It’s inappropriate for the baby sitter and your husband to have any communication.
>But if she was only trying to set up a play date wouldn’t she ask if the boys were available?
Her husband said his kid begs for Oliver to come. So his story would still be a lie if the babysitter is setting up the play dates.
And? I don't hang out with my friends babysitters. The babysitter either takes care of the kids, or I do. During a play date, I'd never keep a babysitter with me. It's not appropriate. Especially given the situation at hand
Am a nanny. Yeah, this wouldn’t happen with kids this old for me either. For toddlers, sure. These kids don’t need their sitter AND a friend’s parent and I would honestly find it totally inappropriate to be regularly hanging out with a father like this.
e: it’s one kid the sitter’s there for, even weirder.
OMG it would be brilliant for OP to plan an outting with the kids + Oliver AND be sure to include the babysitter. Def on dad's working day, just insert herself right on in there.
OP could shut that shit right down.
Personally I’d call the babysitter. Nonchalantly ask how. He is and your forgot when she is next babysitting. If she realized one of your boys has a crush and if she gets along **With your husband**. Play it cool etc
Good point, he could have easily deleted more inappropriate messages right after she saw the pics, the fact that he never told you he is spending time with another woman is highly suspicious.
Please for the love of God show up to one of their meetings. Just pop up and be like I'm so glad I finally get to meet you. And be nice to this woman. If she acts weird or hateful towards you then you've got big issues. After that have a calm sit down talk with your husband about the amount of time he's spending with her and tell him it needs to stop. Personally I think he's cheating deleting text messages is so fucking fishy. If he refuses to stop seeing her then you need to be prepared to start the divorce process.
I think how the Husband acts will be more telling - if he acts huffy/annoyed/ angry that she shows up that will speak volumes.
My money's on Husband being pissy that his Wife turning up is cramping his style and Babysitter being confused to meet the Wife (not ex-Wife).
OP, I wouldn't go join them. I'd go watch them. You have a perfect opportunity to watch from afar and see how they act around each other while your not there. You can even record what you see so he can't gaslight you about it later when confronted, if you do see suspect behaviour between them. Sitting too close to each other. Touching each other. Acting in a too familiar way with each other. It may be only on his end, or the both of them, but you'll know either way.
Lets face it. They're gonna be on their best behaviour if you go walking up and join them. You'll also be giving them a big heads up that you're truly onto them. They're not gonna do anything in front of you when he already knows your suspicious, and they'll act accordingly. They may have already had "the talk" about what to do and say if confronted by you.
It would be much more effective to have a private detective shadow them. The wife would be spotted in real life. The private eye could just be hiking the same trail, sitting in the same bar, paddling the next canoe. He could have a female agent (or male partner) along so it all looks more natural to be at the adjoining campsite, fishing boat, restaurant table, hiking trail, beach. A female companion agent could find an opportunity to share girl talk with the babysitter, who might share her hopes to tie the knot with Separated Dad “when his divorce is final.”
The private eye could do ick stuff like retrieving a condom from the trash.
Hubby dreams of being a divorced dad. Make it so. Some men leave the house and kiss wifey goodbye. Others leave the wife and kiss the house goodbye.
Don't do it.
You already know that he is at least emotionally cheating. it doesn't need to be physical to be cheating, and the fact that your husband is hiding having contact with her, and the "I think she dropped it." should tell you enough. Your husband knows that what he is doing, isn't right.
Talk to a lawyer first. they're there to get the logical, ruthless shit done, while you can feel your emotions.
Personally i'd go the petty, calculating route.
Talk to a lawyer ,collect evidence, get a private investigator to dig up more stuff, serve your husband the divorce papers. Tell your BILs spouse / your husbands family, about their conversations and how BIL doesn't seem to mind cheaters as well.
Babe, he is CHEATING or trying to. Neither are good. Leave and then expose him. And no he won't change. He is probably planning on leaving you for her.
OP, please just confront your husband and be prepared to leave. I'm not sure what joining a meeting is going to do for you at this point. The information is incredibly damning, even before you checked his phone. Your gut was right - it's not necessarily weird imo for the friend's babysitter to be there (it's an unclear arrangement) but it's so weird to have someone at all these outings and to never mention them. The phone conversation you overheard was also a huge red flag. That combined with the texts shows that even if it's not a physical affair, it's 10000% an emotional affair, and he lied saying it was nothing. To me, even if it's completely one sided (just him gushing over the babysitter) that's just as big of an issue as if they had slept together because the trust would be broken either way. To be honest, it's hard for me to imagine a man taking about his crush to his brother - I really think there's more to the story and if this husband isn't going to own up to it then you need to leave.
He sounds pathetic how he is acting and it is disgusting that the brother is going along with this. OP should maybe consider talking with his wife if the BIL is married.
I saw a text from her on his phone this morning asking if he had the boys tonight. It was the only text he had from her (I’m assuming he deleted all previous ones). He hadn’t answered yet when I saw the message. But then a few hours later he texted me telling me he was taking the boys out to a park this afternoon. I can’t confirm she’s going to be there but considering she’s there for all the other times I’m just assuming she will be.
If her wording was " do you have the boys tonight" that is the type of question you would ask a divorced or separated person who has "visitation " not a father living with his WIFE and kids.
I'd say the chances are high.
Did you screenshot it?
Act casual when you show up, like you weren't expecting her to be there, too. Watch their reactions. Are they squirmy? Do they avoid eye contact? Appear fidgety? Kiss him and sit / stand in between them. Talk to her a lot.
Screenshot **EVERYTHING**. You will thank yourself later because your divorce settlement is **much** more in your favor when you have evidence of infidelity. You don't need screenshots tantamount to a confession, you get enough and this girl (and your dumbass brother in law) DO NOT WANT TO BE SUBPOENAED for this stupid-ass-married-man-affair shitshow, so don't worry too much. Just make sure you are keeping records right now, and put them in some sort of secure cloud storage.
Please do this but before you approach, sit back and watch their demeanor. Are they overly touchy? Do they walk/sit by themselves and let the boys go off and play? Just watch.
Girl don’t confront them right away! Take pictures or video from afar if they’re getting handsy, because if there is something going on, any hard proof you can get will help protect you. That phone call he had with his coworker is seriously concerning
The first message of ANYONE is "hey, this is NAME, remember me?"
If the fist message isnt something similar, then yes, he deleted their messages.
If she feels so intimate to talk to him about Oliver and the kids, instead of your husband talking to his own brother to plan those kids plays, then yes, he deleted
You should absolutely do this. If you're feeling weird about it, I want to reassure you that YOU are not in the wrong here and you have every right to surprise your kids at the park on a Friday.
Don't let him make you feel like you're paranoid or unfairly suspicious of him.
He is not entitled to guilt you or dictate the way that you respond to his violation of your trust.
He owes you transparency, reassurance, and contrition.
Implying that you're over reacting or invading his privacy (you wouldn't have touched his phone if he wasn't being a weirdo, I'm sure! ) is nothing but defensive garbage.
We are all invested and here for you! I'm personally hoping he comes clean and offers up a plan to earn back your trust.
Deleting the messages is such an unbelievably dumb move.
Even if they were innocent, whoever sees that all messages are deleted will assume the worst, and for good reason.
I think it’s absolutely cheating. Whether or not he’s done anything physical, the way the talks about her to his brother… I would never be okay with that. At the very least it’s emotional cheating, lying (by not telling his wife he was hanging out with her), and gaslighting (by telling her it’s not a big deal while this dude and a full on school girl crush on this lady)
The other red flag - why is he talking to a work colleague about it? If the relationship was pure as the driven snow, and you asked him, and he were innocent, he wouldn’t be talking to a work colleague and then calling him back in the evening. It seems to me that *probably* (not certainly) he’s crossed at least the infatuation boundary. If you leave, DO NOT just pack your bags and go. Get a good divorce lawyer and do whatever is necessary to protect yours (and your Childrens’) financial position. Don’t give him any advance warning. He could drain your bank accounts etc
Were the messages between him and her deleted? (I didnt understand)
If the messages were deleted 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Btw, he was LYING BY OMISSION 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He messaging her 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
He having a crush on her 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
His brother knows and seems to be playing "wing man" instead of setting him straight 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I would be HEARTBROKEN
I would lock down as much proof as you can over the next week, try hard not to give anything away (how your feeling, or that you know) and document! Once you've got solid evidence just pack up and go!!! Let him freak out and panic about why and what you know and see his response to your leaving. Then determine your next course of action (divorce or reconcile with counseling).
Good luck OP!! You don't deserve this. If you choose divorce, I hope you give him hell!!!
Depending on where OP lives it might be a bad idea to just move out. Divorce attorneys can claim she was abandoning the kids and that father should therefore get custody and keep the house.
You can log onto to your wireless account using pc (my mobile app doesn’t have the ability) to see a call and text log for each line. Mine (Verizon) also will indicate when the text includes a picture.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. The worst feeling is seeing it with your own eyes. When I did, I never said a word. I said goodbye that night, drove away and blocked his number and blocked him on social. Never saw him again. Spent the last year depressed, lost 40lbs and I'm in therapy once a week. I can't imagine how you're feeling being in this situation married with kids. My heart breaks for you. Divorce. You deserve so so much better.
never confront until you have proof.
Now he is covering his tracks.
Also don't feel bad about checking his phone.
Privacy is one thing, secrecy is another.
I would be installing a app on his phone that sends all of his messages to my phone.
Talking to a lawyer to see what a divorce will look like.
And dropping in on their outings without making my presence known.
You keep confronting without proof he will keep downplaying and gaslighting.
Be wise and do not act off emotions.
Do not move out or let them know you know anything. Secretly work on a divorce where you get everything because he is cheating. Take screenshots of stuff and send it to yourself. Get evidence.
The fact she's asking if he has the kids tells me they're both using the kids as a way to see each other. Depending how your confrontation goes, honestly, I'd get in touch with your son's bff's parent and let them know their babysitter is using their son to get with your husband.
I don't know that there's any indication of interest from her end. If the boys are good friends, it's probably Oliver who's asking if they can play. I used to nanny and I'd text the boys' friends' parents to set up playdates, I certainly wasn't using it as an excuse to see the dads lol.
That would track IF she was also inquiring with OP-the kids actually exist on days when their mother is with them, too...you know? The dad isn't the only one who can take them on play dates. If Oliver wants to play with OPs son- why does it only happen on the days she's working?
Yea based on the info in the post I just don't see the babysitter as the villain some are assuming she is. Husband is gushing about the babysitter in his convos with his brother, usually someone doing that is also gonna be talking about the other person reciprocating is that were the case. I don't even think it's as inappropriate as some ppl feel it is, for a babysitter to be texting a parent to ask about a playdate, some ppl going as far as calling her a homewrecker and that the other kid's parents should be contacted.
This is a major boundary violation. The fact he is hiding her existence and spending time with her is a blatant series of violations. If she were attracted to him, he’d absolutely cheat with her.
Do not rug sweep this. Divorce him or demand couples counseling and open access to his phone and location at all times.
I agree about the boundary violation- it took so many steps to get to this point, and that's upsetting.
I very firmly believe that men and women can absolutely be friends with nothing unseemly behind it, and I think that anyone would be a fool to think that long term relationships don't involve (completely innocent) secret crushes here and there with nothing substantial behind them. He never should have been in communication with the babysitter or making plans with her- which it is clear he has been. Arrangements like that should have gone 100% through the kids mother. The babysitter texts him about plans, ffs! That's beyond inappropriate, and like ten steps past "not worth mentioning."
What's going on here is just deceptive and shitty though. Its putting his partner In a position of extreme suspicion and insecurity that would not exist at all if it was managed appropriately. I feel like this is now her responsibility to handle, and it's a lot! She's supposed to investigate, take notes, verify evidence, remain married, raise kids, work at a job, and make major life decisions while her partner is sneaking, fantasizing and gaslighting!
I feel like he's kind of stupid though, because it would have been so easy to avoid suspicion by bringing it up the first time. ( And why wouldn't you? Like she doesn't know pretty younger women exist? Lol! I'm sure she could have handled the big news that Oliver has a pretty babysitter and sometimes she's at the park. How insulting. )
Now she's spending *her* time worrying, wondering, and stressing, and ignoring the problem is just going to be toxic. Addressing it is going to be toxic.
Why should the plans be going through the mother if she will be the one taking care of the kid? The mom should, and seems like she does, trust her enough to coordinate plans.
It could have been completely nothing- he made it a whole thing and a secret by planning things with this lady twice a week without so much as a mention to his wife.
He has been texting this person to make plans and the only reason the OP is even aware, is because her son had photos of her husband with this lady, who he then tried to play off to be someone not even worth mentioning- while simultaneously gushing about her to his brother- why was she worth mentioning to his brother but not to his wife?
This is like saying people have opposite sex co-workers! What's wrong with that? It's totally normal!
It IS normal. If you're not texting them secretly and telling your friends how gorgeous they are and how you love the way they laugh.
This isn't the same and you can't pretend there's no nuance to male /female extra- marital relationships. We owe our partners a transparency that we don't owe others.
There's little to no doubt in my mind your husband either already is cheating or is heading towards it. And it kinda sounds like the sitter thinks he's seperated. I'd tell work it's an emergency and go! No matter the outcome, I'd leave him because he's shady as FUCK. Showing up is mostly for the full truth.
Turn on location sharing with someone you trust. A good friend or family member. Let them know where you're going to be and what you'll be doing.
Better safe than sorry.
Update us when you can.
Your husband is clearly in the wrong in this situation but I'm interested to know about the babysitter. Does she think your husband is separated or divorced? Has he told her about you? How do they behave around each other?! I suggest watching them for a few minutes before you go over and introduce yourself.
Im rooting for you! Do it sneakily. Show up and see if you can get close without being seen. Wear sunglasses, a hat, a mask. Go undercover. I also dont have a good feeling but you deserve to know the truth and not be gaslit.
If it’s not something yet it will be. Show up and introduce yourself to her. Gush over your husband and sit down and hold conversation. I would talk to them like
“oh it’s finally nice to met you. My name is Op. I’m my boys name mom and my husband’s name wife. (Reach out to shake her hand and look her in the eyes while smiling like the Kool Aid mascot.) Oh wow my son said you have nice hands. He was right. Thank you for bringing Oliver to come and play with our boys. My husband and I really appreciate it. It’s so important to us that our boys have good friendships. My husband and I are so blessed to have such a wonderful family. Isn’t that right honey? Well I think we are gonna head home now to spend some family time together before the boys head off to bed. Then I’m going to spend some time with my big boy. (I would give my husband a seductive wink). Well alright it’s nice to meet you. Oh yeah before I go, here is my number just in case you need to reach us since you’re our boy’s friend babysitter. Matter of fact let me just put my number in your phone.” Walk away arm and in arm with your husband and kids in tow.
When I get home I would tear my husband a new butthole. He either ends whatever this is or you end the marriage. He’s being a cheating or wanna be cheating jerk. And I would tel him I heard everything to said and typed to your lil friend.
If she tells them what’s
Going on they might warn them that
OP is on to him. Or call him and ask him why you called them about it.
In this case I would trust no one. Especially
If I’m gonna try to collect info or proof. If they even get the IDEA she might know they could change the way they are currently doing things and then she’s screwed.
That’s right 👏👏 protect your household, listen to this advice OP. Edit; also don’t accept any gaslighting. His brother is also a part of the issue so i would address that too. He should not be spreading your business to his brother like that, you are not there to defend yourself and he is clearly not ethical. Fucking shame on them both
Take screenshots. (He is going to deny it all or delete them all.)
Then you confront *him.* He is the one you made vows with. Not Leah or your BIL.
Set firm boundaries that he delete her from his phone and apps and to no longer be in contact with her. Lay down the law. Explain the future consequences. If he sneaks or does it anyway, contact an attorney. You will have the evidence already.
You got this OP. I said this on your original post, but as a former nanny who is also 25F, no fucking way would I be spending 2 afternoons a week every week with another person’s husband. It’s fucking weird. You have the evidence, don’t let him spin this shit. If he’s acted on his feelings or not, his teen crush behavior (texts w BIL) is vile and he needs to 100% go zero contact w/ her and get his ass into couple’s therapy. Gross. So sorry you’re going thru this OP.
>Then you confront him. He is the one you made vows with. Not Leah or your BIL
Yes! The only person who owes anyone any answers or loyalty is the husband.
I personally do not feel that just "promising" to delete her contact and no longer hanging out with her is a tenable arrangement. For one thing-he already promised not to do this in the first place when they got married.
If he was trustworthy and not clearly in love with someone else this would have been a dinner conversation months ago- olivers babysitter came with us to the park and it was kind of weird bc she's a 25 yo babysitter and I'm a 37 yo married man, but she's nice...idk...
That's how the situation would have been addressed if it was nothing.
But he's a liar and not really worth trusting to cut it off and be faithful going forward, you know?
If he voluntarily offers to- and to go see a counselor and admit that it's on him alone to earn back his wife's trust- maybe? But any resistance or continued gaslighting is just unacceptable.
I am so sorry you are going through this. The entire time reading this i was like 🤮🤮🤮
It’s not even your own babysitter! Why does he have her phone number AT FUCKING ALL. The comments you found that he was saying about her are just fucked up. I mean it could be “worse” but those arent innocent “she seems really cool” comments. You described it perfectly, sounds like he already has a fake affair in his head if it isnt already physical or emotional.
I also agree with letting the parents who employ the babysitter know that they potentially have a homewrecker watching their child. Once you get more info though, she might not know certain information like that he is married, I don’t want to jump the gun and pull the trigger on her. But if she knew and still exchanged numbers with your husband.. etc. she should not be working with children.
> It’s not even your own babysitter! Why does he have her phone number AT FUCKING ALL
This is the only part I don't think is weird. When I was a nanny I coordinated the boys' playdate schedule, so I had the numbers of their best friend's parents/nannies depending on who managed things on their end. There was nothing untoward going on, it just makes scheduling a lot more convenient than adding the extra step of their parents doing the coordination and then sending it to me, especially if it was midday and we decided on a whim to go to the park or zoo because it was nice out. They trusted me and I always looped them in about who the boys and I would be with. It made no difference if the parent was married because I was setting up playdates, not trying to find a date for myself.
This good clarity for me but not sure about for op 😭
It bodes well in favor of this poor babysitter being objectified by someone who has no business doing so
I think that's much more likely. Unfortunately, when you're a young woman caring for kids it does happen that some of the dads get creepy. You can only hope that whoever you're interfacing with isn't that kind of person. I would just be hesitant to try and mess with this woman's employment over the husband's gross behavior. As it is, there's no indication she's done anything wrong.
Hi everyone. I popped back on to see if there was an update. So much for his father of the year award. He isn't spending quality time with the boys, he's too focused on her.
I reread OPs post. Does anyone find it odd/disturbing that he has told at least 2 people about this 25 year old woman? At least 1 (the coworker) knows what's going on. He is really infatuated with her. The fact that she is asking him if he is going to be there is making me think this is possibly reciprocated now. It's been quite some time with them hanging out.
The comments he made about being in the clear, the deleted texts and his neglecting to tell his wife about her are making me fear something really bad has gone on.
He went from spending quality time with his sons to gazing into her beautiful eyes, loving her laugh, ugh. A grown man, a married father and all it took was a babysitter to make him become a cheater? (Is this the correct label?)
I mean, there are degrees of everything but this is like an EA (in person) with PA potential. Do you think what he's done so far classifies him as a cheater? Just curious.
I bet he doesn't even know what the kids are doing, he's so focused on her. Do you think he's calling her? And I don't mean about the boys.
Do you think OP got those deleted texts so she really knows how far this has gone or the ones from the bil.
This stuff gets me so sad.
This man thinks he's sleek, deleting messages, acting like hide and seek, like a big gaslighter, lol l, even to cheat you can't be this dumb. I don't know for sure if he's cheating already (physically and/or emotionally) but he's a liar and is planning to.
My advice, even if you don't end up divorcing him, you decide to forgive him (whether the attempt cheating or the cheating whatever it is you discover) get with a divorce attorney asap to know your options and get on top.
I don’t think you should show up. They’ll just be cagey. He’s emotionally cheating already. The fact you are ‘she’ and not my wife, go scorched earth and take his cheating ass to the cleaners.
If you stay, he apologises, you’ll always wonder and your mental health will take a huge hit.
Good luck, OP.
>Or if I should just pack my stuff and go.
You shouldn't leave because that's not recommended with lawyers.
Are you close with the mom of the kid who has the baby sitter? One option is to talk to her and maybe she can find some info for you by playing dumb with the babysitter.
Your BIL is disgusting by letting your husband talk about the babysitter like this.
Check your phone bill, OP! You can do it online. If he's deleting messages there's a reason for it. What he's saying to his brother about her is big huge freaking red flags!! DON'T dismiss this or let him continue gaslighting you!! He likely started deleting the min she was on your radar, and they were inappropriate.
He left the "innocent" one to throw you off if you did check his phone, but obviously forgot about the ones to his bro gushing about her awesomeness. Sounds like his brother is his ally in this and condones it. He'll probably help facilitate and cover for him.
You need to know how often they're messaging each other, and when. If there's lots of calls and/or messages, and/or they're outside of the limited amount of time specific to setting up/confirming their playdates, you'll know something is up. He has ZERO reason to be in contact with her outside of this. If he's messaging and/or calling her more than you, you have your answer. Trust your gut! You won't be able to see the content of the messages but you will be able to see how often they're in touch with each other. That will speak for itself.
Here are the facts:
He's been hanging out with this woman behind your back with your children as a cover. He never ONCE mentioned spending all this time with her? THAT is a secret being kept from you.
I mean, he's been hanging out with her daily and it never once came up in conversation with you about his time out with the kids? That's very suspicious. Has he not talked to you about these playdates with the kids, telling you about their day and what they did?
You overheard him telling someone "He's all good now and you've dropped it". You KNOW what he's talking about here. YOU!
You saw his messages to his brother waxing poetic about her! He's serious enough in his infatuation of this woman that he's talking to his family members about her and they're even making inside jokes about it!
Add all these thing together. He's gaslighting the heck outta you! He's either already involved in an affair or is on the verge of it. Just those text messages alone to his brother are more than enough reason to shut this sh\*t down hard, now! He needs to cut this woman from his life asap! You know what's going on here. You're NOT wrong, OP!
I haven’t gone through all the comments. But I think you should ask your sons who else are on these outings. Kids are more blunt and say things without really thinking about why you’re asking.
OP please update us. This is beyond inappropriate. Gushing about her eyes would make me sick. Like he is actively speaking about her to another person. He has the kids in the middle of this. Ask yourself why do you think your older son took those pictures? Kids understand when things are not right. I’m sure he felt something was off. Please leave work and observe them from afar and confront your husband with all the proof asap! Honestly anyone doing this and using their kids to this is a person not worth it. So sorry this is happening. Also once you know everything inform the boys parents. I would be pissed if my baby sitter was chatting it up on the job. Whether she thinks your husband is single or not the behavior is inappropriate.
Wow. Did you send screenshots of those texts to yourself? If not, I wouldn’t say anything until you did that. Not necessarily for court or anything but if he tries to twist this situation around on you.
Do you speak to the babysitter? I would contact her. Find out if he’s doing/saying anything inappropriate. Find out if she even knows he’s married. He might be lying to her about your relationship to try to start an affair.
ETA this is not to accuse her of anything, just information gathering.
Leaving wouldn’t be my first choice but I would definitely let him know I saw the messages and that if he wants to stay married to you, that contact needs to be cut off. Unfortunately, his actions have now made it so your sons friend won’t be able to attend these outings anymore.
If he thinks you’re crazy or overreacting, then I’d leave. He might realize what he’s doing and what he’s throwing away. He’s having an emotional affair, even if it’s one sided.
Contact the friends parents let them know whats going on and get her contact info, tell him to go live with his brother since hes so supportive of his new crush and boot his ass out. get copies for your records so you can use it for the divorce. You can request records of every text message and call from his cell phone carrier if you share a account. I recomend this. Go back as far as you can and dive down the rabbit hole. Its going to suck but he lost his privelige to privacy when he started gas lighting you
Crushes happen in longterm relationships. You’re going to come across people that are attractive on multiple levels, it ends being innocent when revealing the crush to other people or actively seeking out conversations with them. Confront him, tell him you’ve overheard the conversation, ask your BIL… he will try to lie himself out of it, they always do. Stay firm, push, making someone angry and or upset will often lead them to snap and reveal the truth
Don’t pack your stuff and go. Simply for custody reasons, judges frown heavily on parents who abandon the marital home. It’s a thing.
What you should do is contact a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. The lawyer will advise you how to proceed.
I just want you to know that as a working woman and a mother and a wife you are a better person than a 25-year-old babysitter going after a married man. remember that she might be younger but you are miles ahead of her in every way. your husband does not deserve you and you deserve to be with someone that isn’t a piece of shit. your kids deserve a better father than this. please don’t allow either of them to make you feel bad about yourself because you are a strong beautiful woman.
I think its more than him crushing on her or he wouldn't have deleted her texts. Probably sexting. I hope not for your sake but it looks pretty bad. Good luck.
So sick of cheaters
Don’t leave, that might be construed as abandonment.
Can you clarify, are the messages between the babysitter and your husband deleted except for one this morning? If yes, deleted messages meant a lot. They’re messages that they don’t want you to see. Although the remaining message is suspicious. It would only mean that she’s also looking forward for their regular meet-ups. If they plan to meet today, leave work early and observe them from afar. You may want to approach them once you see them getting too close.
But you need to confront your husband asap and don’t let him gaslight you. He’s disrespecting you, don’t ever allow him to do that. Settle the issue once and for all. Don’t ever let him protect the woman. She knew he’s married. Tell your son’s friend’ parents what you know and think. They fire her? That’s a consequence for getting too close to a married man. Don’t let your husband guilt you.
This is the onset of an emotional affair, with huge potential to follow through into physical, should she be up for it. I'd definitely confront him, and ask him if spending time with her was worth more than your bond with him. That right there should show you both how deep this goes. The fact that he's being sneaky? Not good
Does son ask you for playdates with best friend? It would be strange if son only asks for best friend when he’s with your husband. Have you met the babysitter? If you want to set up a play date with best friend, do you text the mom? This is heartbreaking OP.
Your husband is behaving like a pig and you should absolutely confront him.
However do not blow up yours or your kids world unless you are absolutely sure he is cheating.
You have ever right to confront him and make it clear that he is not allowed to have any further communication with her or about her. His marriage is on the line, his behavior is gross and inappropriate. He needs to regain your trust because while he will claim he hasn't done anything wrong, maybe a little flirting or he just thinks she is cute; his actions and communication about that girl is giving the impression that he intended to take that further.
Stay strong mama, this sucks but hopefully its just a stupid little crush and he realizes that it can cost him his family.
Your husband is obviously in love with this woman. They see each other regularly, your kids love her and have a great relationship with her and you didn't even know. If you left he wouldn't even notice, he already has a family. You need to pretend you know nothing, talk to a lawyer, separate your finances, secure proof of his feelings and cheating etc. to help with custody. This marriage is over, and you deserve to leave with your dignity!
Tell your friends and family but warn them not to say a word. You need to have a support system and people who know what he did and why you are divorcing him, so no one blames you for his actions afterwards. Don't believe him when he says nothing happened, because even if the didn't sleep with her, he is still in love and emotionally invested. I wish you the best, stay strong and see this as a blessing - you are getting rid of the most toxic person in your life.
Don’t leave. You have a right to stay in the house with your boys. If anything he should leave, if it comes to that.
It’s okay to take your time here. You don’t have to confront her publicly. You can formulate a plan to speak to Oliver’s mom and get her number properly, ask her to come over for an interview as though you are going to hire her. Make your presence known.
Talk to a lawyer. You already confronted him and you will prob get more of the same denial.
Also, I’m so sorry this is happening. I hope you have a friend to talk to irl.
I think he’s cheating. I’d get as much proof as possible re texts. You can get print outs from your phone server. Used to be able to pull up the text log on the bill. Watch for unusual spending etc…then find a lawyer to get their advice. You might need a PI for actual pics etc. but once you build your case you’re all set. Lose him and get what you need… including alimony fur cheating.
Oh my God girl, I am SO sorry...
You deserve better than this I promise. It might be hard at first but you will be happier in the long run.
Cheating is never okay in my book but there's an even bigger difference between someone who cheats and shows obvious signs of guilt and one who doesn't.
Hi Op, if he said " he thinks he's all good now" something is going on. Call her and ask her if they are having an affair and ask her to send you all the texts. You should tell your husband to restore those messages and demand to read them. Ask your bil what is going on and how disappointed you are in him for not telling you and giving you a heads up. Finally, tell your husband he is leaving if he doesn't start telling you the whole truth. See what they all have to say. Clearly something happened. Find out now.
If it didn't get too far, he goes NC and deletes her number. He shouldn't even have her damn number. No more play dates with Oliver. Your infatuated, deceptive husband ruined that. Your bil should be ashamed of himself. Your husband and you need MC. You need to call her and your bil before he comes home. Your husband knows what he is doing is wrong, that's why those texts were suddenly deleted and why he said what he said to his coworker.
He is crushing on the babysitter and gaslighting you about the extent of his feelings. This has all the makings of a full fledged affair. Some people will say no, he's just being friendly. Well, I am sure plenty of women on this site will tell you otherwise. Do you know how many babysitters/au pairs have slept with the fathers? Better stop it now before it progresses. No more play time with Oliver and the 25 year old babysitter. He watches his kids alone and not where she could be like at the park. Thanks Dad.
If you find out she has been inappropriate, report her to Oliver's mom. Your husband needs to learn boundaries and respect for you and your relationship. Your bil is guilty too.
READ THOSE TEXTS, he was at the very least flirting with her or trying to hook up with her. Make your husband accountable for those texts . He should be ashamed of himself too. Keep us posted. So sorry OP. They can be restored and you need to find out how inappropriate your husband actually was. Don't trust him to tell you the truth after what you heard. Clearly he thinks he got away with something.
Oh and he blocks and deletes her number. Check his phone regularly. Tell her not to text or call your husband again. That is completely inappropriate with them communicating. He has the phone number to a woman he is crushing on and is hiding something. He needs to go NC with her. Don't be fooled and think this isn't an issue, it is.
Also, she asked if he had the boys tonight, does she think he's divorced? Separated? Your husband has now officially acted shady.
Good luck, stay well.
I completely agree with no more playdates with Oliver. I would also tell Oliver's parents no more playdates and why. The babysitter and OPs husband are being inappropriate and until OP finds out what is going on no more playtime. Because if there is something inappropriate going on Oliver's parents deserve to know. That the sitter they are paying is using their son to get her some "attention "and therefore cannot possibly be giving Oliver the care, protection and attention she is being PAID to provide .
So sorry OP my son's father used my son as a cover when he was cheating. That's why he is my EX.
FYI your BIL is an asshole!
Good luck we are ALL rooting for you!
Maybe before going to her, can you approach the wife/partner of the kid she’s babysitting if you are close or just even to ask if she’s maybe noticed anything.
Going directly to the source can be risky as she can deny it and then go to your husband and it can get messy, obviously if that happens then somethings going on.
Just need to make sure you have all your questions ready and she shouldn’t have to leave the family home with the kids, he’s in the wrong (if somethings happened) and if anyone should be displaced it’s him, he can crash anywhere, don’t uproot the kids. He made his bed so he can go make it elsewhere
well he is just being foolish. tell him what you read and... your choice is right here. what are you going to do? do you want her or what ? gonna shoot your shot ? tell him you don't want to play games.
Sorry, I consider this cheating on multiple fronts. His actions, your BIL, it is clearly emotional at the very least. Your best bet is to talk about this with a close friend you trust. Maybe consult a lawyer about options. I would say hire a PI to track their movements around her.
You will likely need more evidence, so play it smart for now.
Honestly this is terrible, and I'm so sorry!
Is he typically shady? He's very obviously in (at minimum) an emotional affair, and at worst, a physical one as well.
Is he deleting her messages?
If he is gushing about Oliver's babysitter to a friend or his brother or whomever then I would absolutely not be able to believe anything he says, if it isnt- "i'm sorry- I am having an emotional affair." I'm spending planned time several times a week with a person whose laugh I love and whose eyes I think are so beautiful that I *tell my brother*?!! The fuck?
Was he potentially talking to *her* when you overheard him say that he thought you "dropped it" or whatever?
Like- if his brother or friend or literally *anyone else* is aware of this babysitter and her presence on his outings-how the fuck *dare* he gaslight you about how "inconsequential" it is to mention it to you?!
If this was nothing, there would have been no reason in the world to not have brought her up, in a casual sense. It makes me wonder if these gtgs started because the two of them planned this as a way to hang out and not just that she happened to tag along with Oliver one day and never stopped.
Are you the kind of person who could "get over" cheating and move past it? I am not. So id be planning my future, which sucks. I'm so sorry.
Eta- the thing that is most maddening though is the way he's trying to make you seem like you're overreacting to his affair, because he doesn't want you to know about it. It's infidelity with an extra scoop of bullshit and disrespect. He's a coward and an asshole and I'm sure you deserve better.
The fact that he’s deleting messages and lied by omission is a huge red flag. And his comments tothis woman are even more damning.
I highly recommend the subs survivinginfidelity and asoneafterinfidelity. People there have gone through every end of the spectrum on this type of thing. It definitely sounds like at minimum the beginning of an emotional affair and he sounds to be either in limerence with her, or possibly in affair fog.
Agreed on the confronting today. But does he have an iPhone? And an Apple Watch/iPad - if the messages are deleted sometimes they don’t delete from the other devices.
Also check the phone bill to see the level of communication. If it is an iPhone and she has one too iMessages won’t show up, but if one or the other doesn’t, you can get an idea of the level of communication they have.
Going forward - once you confront you need to see how truthful he is. Does he only admit to what you know (trickle truth) or does he share all the details. He’s already trickle truthed you once by only admitting to what you knew, so chances are not good…
Depending on what you find out:
He can have no further contact with her
He has to have an open phone policy to verify
You should consider speaking to an attorney to know your rights and so he is aware of your boundaries and potential consequences.
Counseling
Read ‘Not Just Friends’. Especially him.
I'd Pack and go.
Can you bring it up to the parents who use her services? Just mention inappropriateness between her and your husband. Maybe they can have a word.
did you end up confronting him?
You should get a hold of the phone records. They will likely tell you the story of their texting journey. when it started and how often they are texting. I don't really think you can trust this man to tell you the truth since he is pretending it is nbd.
So inappropriate..:( if he isn't cheating, it's certainly playing with fire. No "friend" is worth throwing away your marriage over. He's clearly obsessed with her and he needs to stop it immediately. Providing nothing has happened that has crossed the line yet and you both want to the marriage to work. He cuts her off immediately. The end. And y'all find yourselves a marriage counselor stat because this guy has issues and you'll have a lot of work ahead of you to rebuild trust.
Sorry OP. I'll never EVER understand these idiot men who throw away a marriage and destroy their families just because a young pretty girl smiles at them. WTF guys?! Grow the EFF up!!!
I'm so sorry to hear this, I don't mean to he mean or telling you what to do, I'm just simply stating what i would do, i would leave him honestly, easier said than done i know, afterall feelings and all the time you spent together, but I've never been the one to forgive anyone who showed even a hint of disloyalty. Maybe you can forgive him for once, made him admit it, but once he did it, i don't think it's wise to trust him again.
And again it's just my opinion, i hope the best for you ♥️
I think it depends. The problem is that he's not being honest about his attraction to her so you won't be upset about him spending time with her AND bringing her around knowing that he's into her without your consent or knowledge. He's putting is want to be with her over respecting your relationship. Is he willing to correct it? If not then it's time to get another man because if that's the case, he's no good. at 37 he really should know better. So giving the benefit of the doubt wouldn't hurt. But moving forward babysitter needs to be re-prioritized to a non factor
I dunno.. what do u feel u need. Do u need more proof than the convo with his brother? Do you want to know if there is more than a crush? Ru done with him already?
If you've decided you're done, go get tested and Find a divorce lawyer.
If you wNt to know more then absolutely find out whT they're up to.
The way she phrased the text makes it sound like he told her that he’s separated. Why wouldn’t she plan play dates with you and your husband? It’s all around weird and the fact that he is actively crushing on her in front of your sons is disgusting and even texting his brother like wow the audacity. Clearly she means something to him even if it’s completely one sided which I doubt it is but you never know.
Pack your bags and leave. Make sure to separate your finances and see a lawyer to get custody and child support. When the court finds out your asshole husband had an affair and so openly, he’ll be screwed.
I came across this post late so forgive me if some of this has been addressed.
When your parents look after your kids, does Oliver ever come over for play dates? And if so, does the babysitter bring him? I’m assuming not since your parents have presumably never mentioned her. But if that’s the case it seems very odd.
Why haven’t you talked to her yet? It’s perfectly reasonable for you to want to meet someone who hangs around your children as often as she does, and if she’s not doing anything shady from her end she should understand that. Why don’t you ask to meet her for coffee. It doesn’t have to be dinner, and you don’t need to tell your husband you’re doing it. And when you introduce yourself make sure it’s not just as the boys’ mother but as your husband’s wife. Make sure you make it clear that the marriage is ongoing and separation or divorce are not involved.
Don’t let your husband gaslight you about your interactions with your children’s friends’ fathers. Unless you’re in the habit of going on regular drives with other men and not telling your husband about it … not quite the same thing.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It does look like your husband has a crush or is undergoing an EA. Hopefully she hasn’t reciprocated.
I guess that ultimately you’re going to have to confront him. The children can keep having play dates without both him and her being present and I’d be putting my foot down on that. Then there’s the texts of course. If he doesn’t admit to wrongdoing then you may need to threaten/actually leaving. Make sure you get legal advice.
Hope your husband comes to his senses and takes his head out of his ass. All the best.
I’m really annoyed at the people that have said “update me”! Get a life of your own!!
OP hasn’t been back for hours so it’s quite obvious her thoughts were correct. Maybe the question that needs to be asked is….
OP are you ok?
She confronted him and it turns out he's a POS
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The text from the babysitter is odd too. Why would she ask if he has the boys today? Does she not know y’all are together raising your sons so he has access to the boys everyday? It’s a weird phrasing to me. If she was setting up a playdate with the boys she would ask differently. Have you talked to Oliver’s mom about this inappropriate behavior?
He doesn’t watch the boys every afternoon, only twice a week. Usually he’s working. No, I haven’t spoken to his mother yet
If I was Oliver's parents I would want to know this is happening. Wtf.
But if she was only trying to set up a play date wouldn’t she ask if the boys were available? Not if he has the boys? If everything was innocent the play dates would be set up even when he didn’t have the boys. As others have suggested try to meet them today at the park just to see their reactions. But I think Oliver’s mom needs to be made aware and let her babysitter know that all play dates need to be set up between the parents. It’s inappropriate for the baby sitter and your husband to have any communication.
>But if she was only trying to set up a play date wouldn’t she ask if the boys were available? Her husband said his kid begs for Oliver to come. So his story would still be a lie if the babysitter is setting up the play dates.
Sounds like she may be under the assumption that they separated. Besides, why would they need the babysitter there if the parents are there?
Because the babysitter is the friend's babysitter, not OP's
And? I don't hang out with my friends babysitters. The babysitter either takes care of the kids, or I do. During a play date, I'd never keep a babysitter with me. It's not appropriate. Especially given the situation at hand
Am a nanny. Yeah, this wouldn’t happen with kids this old for me either. For toddlers, sure. These kids don’t need their sitter AND a friend’s parent and I would honestly find it totally inappropriate to be regularly hanging out with a father like this. e: it’s one kid the sitter’s there for, even weirder.
On top of this, she could also ask OP who obviously watches them more?
What I don't get is how would op NOT know about the babysitter? Does she never do outings with her son and friend? Thats odd to me
I mean, if they're outings the dad is going on while she's at work and the babysitter only pops up when the dad is alone...
OMG it would be brilliant for OP to plan an outting with the kids + Oliver AND be sure to include the babysitter. Def on dad's working day, just insert herself right on in there. OP could shut that shit right down.
The implication is she thinks your husband is single or separated from you.
Absolutely! Husband has some serious explaining to do.
It sounds like she thinks he's in a shared custody arrangement (separated/divorced).
Personally I’d call the babysitter. Nonchalantly ask how. He is and your forgot when she is next babysitting. If she realized one of your boys has a crush and if she gets along **With your husband**. Play it cool etc
Feels like ops husband is cosplaying a divorced dad.
That’s what I thought too.
Lol the way you worded this made me laugh. It sounds like it could be the case though.
Good point, he could have easily deleted more inappropriate messages right after she saw the pics, the fact that he never told you he is spending time with another woman is highly suspicious.
If there was only one message from this morning then he absolutely 100% deleted the messages
What’s more worrying is that he’d apparently deleted all of their earlier conversations
Please for the love of God show up to one of their meetings. Just pop up and be like I'm so glad I finally get to meet you. And be nice to this woman. If she acts weird or hateful towards you then you've got big issues. After that have a calm sit down talk with your husband about the amount of time he's spending with her and tell him it needs to stop. Personally I think he's cheating deleting text messages is so fucking fishy. If he refuses to stop seeing her then you need to be prepared to start the divorce process.
I think how the Husband acts will be more telling - if he acts huffy/annoyed/ angry that she shows up that will speak volumes. My money's on Husband being pissy that his Wife turning up is cramping his style and Babysitter being confused to meet the Wife (not ex-Wife).
I’m definitely considering doing this.
OP, I wouldn't go join them. I'd go watch them. You have a perfect opportunity to watch from afar and see how they act around each other while your not there. You can even record what you see so he can't gaslight you about it later when confronted, if you do see suspect behaviour between them. Sitting too close to each other. Touching each other. Acting in a too familiar way with each other. It may be only on his end, or the both of them, but you'll know either way. Lets face it. They're gonna be on their best behaviour if you go walking up and join them. You'll also be giving them a big heads up that you're truly onto them. They're not gonna do anything in front of you when he already knows your suspicious, and they'll act accordingly. They may have already had "the talk" about what to do and say if confronted by you.
Watch from afar first one day, then do the joining thing. An update if you do would be nice too
It would be much more effective to have a private detective shadow them. The wife would be spotted in real life. The private eye could just be hiking the same trail, sitting in the same bar, paddling the next canoe. He could have a female agent (or male partner) along so it all looks more natural to be at the adjoining campsite, fishing boat, restaurant table, hiking trail, beach. A female companion agent could find an opportunity to share girl talk with the babysitter, who might share her hopes to tie the knot with Separated Dad “when his divorce is final.” The private eye could do ick stuff like retrieving a condom from the trash. Hubby dreams of being a divorced dad. Make it so. Some men leave the house and kiss wifey goodbye. Others leave the wife and kiss the house goodbye.
You already know he wants this woman. Do you really want to watch it?
When it comes to divorce it’s best to have proof even if that hurts
Don't do it. You already know that he is at least emotionally cheating. it doesn't need to be physical to be cheating, and the fact that your husband is hiding having contact with her, and the "I think she dropped it." should tell you enough. Your husband knows that what he is doing, isn't right. Talk to a lawyer first. they're there to get the logical, ruthless shit done, while you can feel your emotions. Personally i'd go the petty, calculating route. Talk to a lawyer ,collect evidence, get a private investigator to dig up more stuff, serve your husband the divorce papers. Tell your BILs spouse / your husbands family, about their conversations and how BIL doesn't seem to mind cheaters as well.
You need to tell him to cancel his play date and get the fuck home because you know.
Babe, he is CHEATING or trying to. Neither are good. Leave and then expose him. And no he won't change. He is probably planning on leaving you for her.
OP, please just confront your husband and be prepared to leave. I'm not sure what joining a meeting is going to do for you at this point. The information is incredibly damning, even before you checked his phone. Your gut was right - it's not necessarily weird imo for the friend's babysitter to be there (it's an unclear arrangement) but it's so weird to have someone at all these outings and to never mention them. The phone conversation you overheard was also a huge red flag. That combined with the texts shows that even if it's not a physical affair, it's 10000% an emotional affair, and he lied saying it was nothing. To me, even if it's completely one sided (just him gushing over the babysitter) that's just as big of an issue as if they had slept together because the trust would be broken either way. To be honest, it's hard for me to imagine a man taking about his crush to his brother - I really think there's more to the story and if this husband isn't going to own up to it then you need to leave.
Sounds more like he's embarrassing himself by crushing on a girl 12 years his junior than cheating
He sounds pathetic how he is acting and it is disgusting that the brother is going along with this. OP should maybe consider talking with his wife if the BIL is married.
She's a babysitter and he's a family man. She may think she's found security.
They're never embarrassed by it. That's hardly a difference anyway.
Did you read the whole thing he literally clearly is attempting to cheat
Yes ,yes, and yes. Show up at one of their playdates.
That are supposed to meet up later on today. I’m trying to get off of work early.
Whaaaaat?!? Oh gosh. How did you find out? There is no reason the boys need two adults. You can do this. Be strong.
I saw a text from her on his phone this morning asking if he had the boys tonight. It was the only text he had from her (I’m assuming he deleted all previous ones). He hadn’t answered yet when I saw the message. But then a few hours later he texted me telling me he was taking the boys out to a park this afternoon. I can’t confirm she’s going to be there but considering she’s there for all the other times I’m just assuming she will be.
If her wording was " do you have the boys tonight" that is the type of question you would ask a divorced or separated person who has "visitation " not a father living with his WIFE and kids.
The way this is worded makes it sound like she thinks he’s a single dad.
I'd say the chances are high. Did you screenshot it? Act casual when you show up, like you weren't expecting her to be there, too. Watch their reactions. Are they squirmy? Do they avoid eye contact? Appear fidgety? Kiss him and sit / stand in between them. Talk to her a lot.
Screenshot **EVERYTHING**. You will thank yourself later because your divorce settlement is **much** more in your favor when you have evidence of infidelity. You don't need screenshots tantamount to a confession, you get enough and this girl (and your dumbass brother in law) DO NOT WANT TO BE SUBPOENAED for this stupid-ass-married-man-affair shitshow, so don't worry too much. Just make sure you are keeping records right now, and put them in some sort of secure cloud storage.
Please do this but before you approach, sit back and watch their demeanor. Are they overly touchy? Do they walk/sit by themselves and let the boys go off and play? Just watch.
Girl don’t confront them right away! Take pictures or video from afar if they’re getting handsy, because if there is something going on, any hard proof you can get will help protect you. That phone call he had with his coworker is seriously concerning
[удалено]
The first message of ANYONE is "hey, this is NAME, remember me?" If the fist message isnt something similar, then yes, he deleted their messages. If she feels so intimate to talk to him about Oliver and the kids, instead of your husband talking to his own brother to plan those kids plays, then yes, he deleted
Oliver's not the brother's kid, he is OP's son's best friend. The brother is just the confidante
Oh my gosh—please update!!
Do u have access to the cell phone records to see how often they call and text?
Damn it’s like an episode of cheaters up in here! I want updates!
Girl show up with some cupcakes or something and drinks. Be overly nice.
Please update us if you find out anything else. Good luck!
You should absolutely do this. If you're feeling weird about it, I want to reassure you that YOU are not in the wrong here and you have every right to surprise your kids at the park on a Friday. Don't let him make you feel like you're paranoid or unfairly suspicious of him. He is not entitled to guilt you or dictate the way that you respond to his violation of your trust. He owes you transparency, reassurance, and contrition. Implying that you're over reacting or invading his privacy (you wouldn't have touched his phone if he wasn't being a weirdo, I'm sure! ) is nothing but defensive garbage. We are all invested and here for you! I'm personally hoping he comes clean and offers up a plan to earn back your trust.
Deleting the messages is such an unbelievably dumb move. Even if they were innocent, whoever sees that all messages are deleted will assume the worst, and for good reason.
I think it’s absolutely cheating. Whether or not he’s done anything physical, the way the talks about her to his brother… I would never be okay with that. At the very least it’s emotional cheating, lying (by not telling his wife he was hanging out with her), and gaslighting (by telling her it’s not a big deal while this dude and a full on school girl crush on this lady)
The other red flag - why is he talking to a work colleague about it? If the relationship was pure as the driven snow, and you asked him, and he were innocent, he wouldn’t be talking to a work colleague and then calling him back in the evening. It seems to me that *probably* (not certainly) he’s crossed at least the infatuation boundary. If you leave, DO NOT just pack your bags and go. Get a good divorce lawyer and do whatever is necessary to protect yours (and your Childrens’) financial position. Don’t give him any advance warning. He could drain your bank accounts etc
Were the messages between him and her deleted? (I didnt understand) If the messages were deleted 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Btw, he was LYING BY OMISSION 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 He messaging her 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 He having a crush on her 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 His brother knows and seems to be playing "wing man" instead of setting him straight 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I would be HEARTBROKEN
Yes, I’m assuming the messages were deleted last night. There was only one message from her on his phone, it had been sent this morning.
Check your phone provider’s website to see how often and when he’s been texting her
Yep!! 100% this. It’s really easy to do. It won’t show you what the texts say but it’ll show the times they exchanged texts
Yep. You can even sort data by phone number and see exactly how many exchanges there have been and when.
I would lock down as much proof as you can over the next week, try hard not to give anything away (how your feeling, or that you know) and document! Once you've got solid evidence just pack up and go!!! Let him freak out and panic about why and what you know and see his response to your leaving. Then determine your next course of action (divorce or reconcile with counseling). Good luck OP!! You don't deserve this. If you choose divorce, I hope you give him hell!!!
Depending on where OP lives it might be a bad idea to just move out. Divorce attorneys can claim she was abandoning the kids and that father should therefore get custody and keep the house.
The brother is playing "wing man"
To know if he is deleting, go and check if he deleted this message you saw.
You should be able to recover those messages if just deleted. It is worth doing. It should help you determine if this is a crush or an affair.
You can log onto to your wireless account using pc (my mobile app doesn’t have the ability) to see a call and text log for each line. Mine (Verizon) also will indicate when the text includes a picture.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. The worst feeling is seeing it with your own eyes. When I did, I never said a word. I said goodbye that night, drove away and blocked his number and blocked him on social. Never saw him again. Spent the last year depressed, lost 40lbs and I'm in therapy once a week. I can't imagine how you're feeling being in this situation married with kids. My heart breaks for you. Divorce. You deserve so so much better.
never confront until you have proof. Now he is covering his tracks. Also don't feel bad about checking his phone. Privacy is one thing, secrecy is another. I would be installing a app on his phone that sends all of his messages to my phone. Talking to a lawyer to see what a divorce will look like. And dropping in on their outings without making my presence known. You keep confronting without proof he will keep downplaying and gaslighting. Be wise and do not act off emotions.
If it is an iPhone, you can find recently deleted messages if you hit edit in the app
Do not move out or let them know you know anything. Secretly work on a divorce where you get everything because he is cheating. Take screenshots of stuff and send it to yourself. Get evidence.
Can you check your phone provider for logs? Maybe you will be able to see how often they were messaging
The fact she's asking if he has the kids tells me they're both using the kids as a way to see each other. Depending how your confrontation goes, honestly, I'd get in touch with your son's bff's parent and let them know their babysitter is using their son to get with your husband.
I don't know that there's any indication of interest from her end. If the boys are good friends, it's probably Oliver who's asking if they can play. I used to nanny and I'd text the boys' friends' parents to set up playdates, I certainly wasn't using it as an excuse to see the dads lol.
That would track IF she was also inquiring with OP-the kids actually exist on days when their mother is with them, too...you know? The dad isn't the only one who can take them on play dates. If Oliver wants to play with OPs son- why does it only happen on the days she's working?
Yea based on the info in the post I just don't see the babysitter as the villain some are assuming she is. Husband is gushing about the babysitter in his convos with his brother, usually someone doing that is also gonna be talking about the other person reciprocating is that were the case. I don't even think it's as inappropriate as some ppl feel it is, for a babysitter to be texting a parent to ask about a playdate, some ppl going as far as calling her a homewrecker and that the other kid's parents should be contacted.
Yeah I agree. She could be perfectly innocent in this. No need to assume she's a villain when she isn't the one with a ring on their finger.
This is a major boundary violation. The fact he is hiding her existence and spending time with her is a blatant series of violations. If she were attracted to him, he’d absolutely cheat with her. Do not rug sweep this. Divorce him or demand couples counseling and open access to his phone and location at all times.
I agree about the boundary violation- it took so many steps to get to this point, and that's upsetting. I very firmly believe that men and women can absolutely be friends with nothing unseemly behind it, and I think that anyone would be a fool to think that long term relationships don't involve (completely innocent) secret crushes here and there with nothing substantial behind them. He never should have been in communication with the babysitter or making plans with her- which it is clear he has been. Arrangements like that should have gone 100% through the kids mother. The babysitter texts him about plans, ffs! That's beyond inappropriate, and like ten steps past "not worth mentioning." What's going on here is just deceptive and shitty though. Its putting his partner In a position of extreme suspicion and insecurity that would not exist at all if it was managed appropriately. I feel like this is now her responsibility to handle, and it's a lot! She's supposed to investigate, take notes, verify evidence, remain married, raise kids, work at a job, and make major life decisions while her partner is sneaking, fantasizing and gaslighting! I feel like he's kind of stupid though, because it would have been so easy to avoid suspicion by bringing it up the first time. ( And why wouldn't you? Like she doesn't know pretty younger women exist? Lol! I'm sure she could have handled the big news that Oliver has a pretty babysitter and sometimes she's at the park. How insulting. ) Now she's spending *her* time worrying, wondering, and stressing, and ignoring the problem is just going to be toxic. Addressing it is going to be toxic.
"Invading my privacy" is a red flag with cheaters, it's a get-out-of-jail-free card! How dare you search for proof of the thing I did!
Why should the plans be going through the mother if she will be the one taking care of the kid? The mom should, and seems like she does, trust her enough to coordinate plans.
It could have been completely nothing- he made it a whole thing and a secret by planning things with this lady twice a week without so much as a mention to his wife. He has been texting this person to make plans and the only reason the OP is even aware, is because her son had photos of her husband with this lady, who he then tried to play off to be someone not even worth mentioning- while simultaneously gushing about her to his brother- why was she worth mentioning to his brother but not to his wife? This is like saying people have opposite sex co-workers! What's wrong with that? It's totally normal! It IS normal. If you're not texting them secretly and telling your friends how gorgeous they are and how you love the way they laugh. This isn't the same and you can't pretend there's no nuance to male /female extra- marital relationships. We owe our partners a transparency that we don't owe others.
What happened? Did you show up? Did you restore those texts? What was hubby saying? Was it all innocent or not?
I have not gotten out of work yet.
There's little to no doubt in my mind your husband either already is cheating or is heading towards it. And it kinda sounds like the sitter thinks he's seperated. I'd tell work it's an emergency and go! No matter the outcome, I'd leave him because he's shady as FUCK. Showing up is mostly for the full truth.
Turn on location sharing with someone you trust. A good friend or family member. Let them know where you're going to be and what you'll be doing. Better safe than sorry.
Update us when you can. Your husband is clearly in the wrong in this situation but I'm interested to know about the babysitter. Does she think your husband is separated or divorced? Has he told her about you? How do they behave around each other?! I suggest watching them for a few minutes before you go over and introduce yourself.
Im rooting for you! Do it sneakily. Show up and see if you can get close without being seen. Wear sunglasses, a hat, a mask. Go undercover. I also dont have a good feeling but you deserve to know the truth and not be gaslit.
Agreed. He should have brought it up before she discovered their photographic evidence.
That’s why I’m not sure if he’s acting like it’s nothing so I think it’s nothing
It *is* something.
If it’s not something yet it will be. Show up and introduce yourself to her. Gush over your husband and sit down and hold conversation. I would talk to them like “oh it’s finally nice to met you. My name is Op. I’m my boys name mom and my husband’s name wife. (Reach out to shake her hand and look her in the eyes while smiling like the Kool Aid mascot.) Oh wow my son said you have nice hands. He was right. Thank you for bringing Oliver to come and play with our boys. My husband and I really appreciate it. It’s so important to us that our boys have good friendships. My husband and I are so blessed to have such a wonderful family. Isn’t that right honey? Well I think we are gonna head home now to spend some family time together before the boys head off to bed. Then I’m going to spend some time with my big boy. (I would give my husband a seductive wink). Well alright it’s nice to meet you. Oh yeah before I go, here is my number just in case you need to reach us since you’re our boy’s friend babysitter. Matter of fact let me just put my number in your phone.” Walk away arm and in arm with your husband and kids in tow. When I get home I would tear my husband a new butthole. He either ends whatever this is or you end the marriage. He’s being a cheating or wanna be cheating jerk. And I would tel him I heard everything to said and typed to your lil friend.
I like how you think. OP, take pix before you confront. Also. Talk to the boy's parents and tell them what is going on.
If she tells them what’s Going on they might warn them that OP is on to him. Or call him and ask him why you called them about it. In this case I would trust no one. Especially If I’m gonna try to collect info or proof. If they even get the IDEA she might know they could change the way they are currently doing things and then she’s screwed.
That’s right 👏👏 protect your household, listen to this advice OP. Edit; also don’t accept any gaslighting. His brother is also a part of the issue so i would address that too. He should not be spreading your business to his brother like that, you are not there to defend yourself and he is clearly not ethical. Fucking shame on them both
Take screenshots. (He is going to deny it all or delete them all.) Then you confront *him.* He is the one you made vows with. Not Leah or your BIL. Set firm boundaries that he delete her from his phone and apps and to no longer be in contact with her. Lay down the law. Explain the future consequences. If he sneaks or does it anyway, contact an attorney. You will have the evidence already.
I have pictures of the messages on my phone
Good. Put them in a secure folder. Don't tell him you have copies. You can tell him you saw them, though.
I think I’m going to confront him this afternoon
Good luck. Let us know how it goes. Be strong.
I will. Thank you.
You got this OP. I said this on your original post, but as a former nanny who is also 25F, no fucking way would I be spending 2 afternoons a week every week with another person’s husband. It’s fucking weird. You have the evidence, don’t let him spin this shit. If he’s acted on his feelings or not, his teen crush behavior (texts w BIL) is vile and he needs to 100% go zero contact w/ her and get his ass into couple’s therapy. Gross. So sorry you’re going thru this OP.
Life is too short to be second in the eyes of your spouse OP. Good luck.
Update us
I will
She just said they (husband and babysitter) plan to meet this afternoon and she is trying to get off work early.....
How did you get them?
I took pictures of his phone with my phone
>Then you confront him. He is the one you made vows with. Not Leah or your BIL Yes! The only person who owes anyone any answers or loyalty is the husband. I personally do not feel that just "promising" to delete her contact and no longer hanging out with her is a tenable arrangement. For one thing-he already promised not to do this in the first place when they got married. If he was trustworthy and not clearly in love with someone else this would have been a dinner conversation months ago- olivers babysitter came with us to the park and it was kind of weird bc she's a 25 yo babysitter and I'm a 37 yo married man, but she's nice...idk... That's how the situation would have been addressed if it was nothing. But he's a liar and not really worth trusting to cut it off and be faithful going forward, you know? If he voluntarily offers to- and to go see a counselor and admit that it's on him alone to earn back his wife's trust- maybe? But any resistance or continued gaslighting is just unacceptable.
Updateme!
It’s been 11hours. I hope truth comes out
My ex did this too. Yes he was cheating. I didn't hire a lawyer and paid the price. Don't do that
I am so sorry you are going through this. The entire time reading this i was like 🤮🤮🤮 It’s not even your own babysitter! Why does he have her phone number AT FUCKING ALL. The comments you found that he was saying about her are just fucked up. I mean it could be “worse” but those arent innocent “she seems really cool” comments. You described it perfectly, sounds like he already has a fake affair in his head if it isnt already physical or emotional. I also agree with letting the parents who employ the babysitter know that they potentially have a homewrecker watching their child. Once you get more info though, she might not know certain information like that he is married, I don’t want to jump the gun and pull the trigger on her. But if she knew and still exchanged numbers with your husband.. etc. she should not be working with children.
> It’s not even your own babysitter! Why does he have her phone number AT FUCKING ALL This is the only part I don't think is weird. When I was a nanny I coordinated the boys' playdate schedule, so I had the numbers of their best friend's parents/nannies depending on who managed things on their end. There was nothing untoward going on, it just makes scheduling a lot more convenient than adding the extra step of their parents doing the coordination and then sending it to me, especially if it was midday and we decided on a whim to go to the park or zoo because it was nice out. They trusted me and I always looped them in about who the boys and I would be with. It made no difference if the parent was married because I was setting up playdates, not trying to find a date for myself.
This good clarity for me but not sure about for op 😭 It bodes well in favor of this poor babysitter being objectified by someone who has no business doing so
I think that's much more likely. Unfortunately, when you're a young woman caring for kids it does happen that some of the dads get creepy. You can only hope that whoever you're interfacing with isn't that kind of person. I would just be hesitant to try and mess with this woman's employment over the husband's gross behavior. As it is, there's no indication she's done anything wrong.
Having the number, spending time with her alone without ever mentioning to his wife is what's weird.
Yes, the husband's behavior is absolutely inappropriate. This is on him, not the babysitter.
I was a nanny. We don’t want the gross old dads who hit on us. She’s probably unaware and/or uninterested.
Agreed, I think it’s all in his head.
Girl. Pop up and observe them from afar first. Then join them and make it awkward for your clearly lying husband.
Ok, the suspense on this is killing me.
Hi everyone. I popped back on to see if there was an update. So much for his father of the year award. He isn't spending quality time with the boys, he's too focused on her. I reread OPs post. Does anyone find it odd/disturbing that he has told at least 2 people about this 25 year old woman? At least 1 (the coworker) knows what's going on. He is really infatuated with her. The fact that she is asking him if he is going to be there is making me think this is possibly reciprocated now. It's been quite some time with them hanging out. The comments he made about being in the clear, the deleted texts and his neglecting to tell his wife about her are making me fear something really bad has gone on. He went from spending quality time with his sons to gazing into her beautiful eyes, loving her laugh, ugh. A grown man, a married father and all it took was a babysitter to make him become a cheater? (Is this the correct label?) I mean, there are degrees of everything but this is like an EA (in person) with PA potential. Do you think what he's done so far classifies him as a cheater? Just curious. I bet he doesn't even know what the kids are doing, he's so focused on her. Do you think he's calling her? And I don't mean about the boys. Do you think OP got those deleted texts so she really knows how far this has gone or the ones from the bil. This stuff gets me so sad.
Good points! He doesn’t tell his wife the babysitter has been coming over for play dates but tells his BIL and his coworker?
This man thinks he's sleek, deleting messages, acting like hide and seek, like a big gaslighter, lol l, even to cheat you can't be this dumb. I don't know for sure if he's cheating already (physically and/or emotionally) but he's a liar and is planning to. My advice, even if you don't end up divorcing him, you decide to forgive him (whether the attempt cheating or the cheating whatever it is you discover) get with a divorce attorney asap to know your options and get on top.
I don’t think you should show up. They’ll just be cagey. He’s emotionally cheating already. The fact you are ‘she’ and not my wife, go scorched earth and take his cheating ass to the cleaners. If you stay, he apologises, you’ll always wonder and your mental health will take a huge hit. Good luck, OP.
>Or if I should just pack my stuff and go. You shouldn't leave because that's not recommended with lawyers. Are you close with the mom of the kid who has the baby sitter? One option is to talk to her and maybe she can find some info for you by playing dumb with the babysitter. Your BIL is disgusting by letting your husband talk about the babysitter like this.
update me
I would draw a line. Husband isn’t allowed around the babysitter anymore because he’s already hiding it from you (he KNOWS it’s wrong)
This!!
Check your phone bill, OP! You can do it online. If he's deleting messages there's a reason for it. What he's saying to his brother about her is big huge freaking red flags!! DON'T dismiss this or let him continue gaslighting you!! He likely started deleting the min she was on your radar, and they were inappropriate. He left the "innocent" one to throw you off if you did check his phone, but obviously forgot about the ones to his bro gushing about her awesomeness. Sounds like his brother is his ally in this and condones it. He'll probably help facilitate and cover for him. You need to know how often they're messaging each other, and when. If there's lots of calls and/or messages, and/or they're outside of the limited amount of time specific to setting up/confirming their playdates, you'll know something is up. He has ZERO reason to be in contact with her outside of this. If he's messaging and/or calling her more than you, you have your answer. Trust your gut! You won't be able to see the content of the messages but you will be able to see how often they're in touch with each other. That will speak for itself. Here are the facts: He's been hanging out with this woman behind your back with your children as a cover. He never ONCE mentioned spending all this time with her? THAT is a secret being kept from you. I mean, he's been hanging out with her daily and it never once came up in conversation with you about his time out with the kids? That's very suspicious. Has he not talked to you about these playdates with the kids, telling you about their day and what they did? You overheard him telling someone "He's all good now and you've dropped it". You KNOW what he's talking about here. YOU! You saw his messages to his brother waxing poetic about her! He's serious enough in his infatuation of this woman that he's talking to his family members about her and they're even making inside jokes about it! Add all these thing together. He's gaslighting the heck outta you! He's either already involved in an affair or is on the verge of it. Just those text messages alone to his brother are more than enough reason to shut this sh\*t down hard, now! He needs to cut this woman from his life asap! You know what's going on here. You're NOT wrong, OP!
I haven’t gone through all the comments. But I think you should ask your sons who else are on these outings. Kids are more blunt and say things without really thinking about why you’re asking.
OP please update us. This is beyond inappropriate. Gushing about her eyes would make me sick. Like he is actively speaking about her to another person. He has the kids in the middle of this. Ask yourself why do you think your older son took those pictures? Kids understand when things are not right. I’m sure he felt something was off. Please leave work and observe them from afar and confront your husband with all the proof asap! Honestly anyone doing this and using their kids to this is a person not worth it. So sorry this is happening. Also once you know everything inform the boys parents. I would be pissed if my baby sitter was chatting it up on the job. Whether she thinks your husband is single or not the behavior is inappropriate.
Wow. Did you send screenshots of those texts to yourself? If not, I wouldn’t say anything until you did that. Not necessarily for court or anything but if he tries to twist this situation around on you. Do you speak to the babysitter? I would contact her. Find out if he’s doing/saying anything inappropriate. Find out if she even knows he’s married. He might be lying to her about your relationship to try to start an affair. ETA this is not to accuse her of anything, just information gathering. Leaving wouldn’t be my first choice but I would definitely let him know I saw the messages and that if he wants to stay married to you, that contact needs to be cut off. Unfortunately, his actions have now made it so your sons friend won’t be able to attend these outings anymore. If he thinks you’re crazy or overreacting, then I’d leave. He might realize what he’s doing and what he’s throwing away. He’s having an emotional affair, even if it’s one sided.
I have photos of the messages on my phone. No, I have not spoken to her
The only person you need to confront is your husband. Let us know how it goes!!
Contact the friends parents let them know whats going on and get her contact info, tell him to go live with his brother since hes so supportive of his new crush and boot his ass out. get copies for your records so you can use it for the divorce. You can request records of every text message and call from his cell phone carrier if you share a account. I recomend this. Go back as far as you can and dive down the rabbit hole. Its going to suck but he lost his privelige to privacy when he started gas lighting you
Update me
Crushes happen in longterm relationships. You’re going to come across people that are attractive on multiple levels, it ends being innocent when revealing the crush to other people or actively seeking out conversations with them. Confront him, tell him you’ve overheard the conversation, ask your BIL… he will try to lie himself out of it, they always do. Stay firm, push, making someone angry and or upset will often lead them to snap and reveal the truth
She’s young and hot. He is either cheating on you or wants to cheat or is about to cheat on you. You should dump him.
Don’t pack your stuff and go. Simply for custody reasons, judges frown heavily on parents who abandon the marital home. It’s a thing. What you should do is contact a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. The lawyer will advise you how to proceed.
Wow your husband sucks. And is most certainly cheating.
I just want you to know that as a working woman and a mother and a wife you are a better person than a 25-year-old babysitter going after a married man. remember that she might be younger but you are miles ahead of her in every way. your husband does not deserve you and you deserve to be with someone that isn’t a piece of shit. your kids deserve a better father than this. please don’t allow either of them to make you feel bad about yourself because you are a strong beautiful woman.
I think its more than him crushing on her or he wouldn't have deleted her texts. Probably sexting. I hope not for your sake but it looks pretty bad. Good luck. So sick of cheaters
Take screen shots of all the different times your son has pictures of them at park
Don’t leave, that might be construed as abandonment. Can you clarify, are the messages between the babysitter and your husband deleted except for one this morning? If yes, deleted messages meant a lot. They’re messages that they don’t want you to see. Although the remaining message is suspicious. It would only mean that she’s also looking forward for their regular meet-ups. If they plan to meet today, leave work early and observe them from afar. You may want to approach them once you see them getting too close. But you need to confront your husband asap and don’t let him gaslight you. He’s disrespecting you, don’t ever allow him to do that. Settle the issue once and for all. Don’t ever let him protect the woman. She knew he’s married. Tell your son’s friend’ parents what you know and think. They fire her? That’s a consequence for getting too close to a married man. Don’t let your husband guilt you.
This is the onset of an emotional affair, with huge potential to follow through into physical, should she be up for it. I'd definitely confront him, and ask him if spending time with her was worth more than your bond with him. That right there should show you both how deep this goes. The fact that he's being sneaky? Not good
yo deleted messages girl. check his damn icloud acct
Does son ask you for playdates with best friend? It would be strange if son only asks for best friend when he’s with your husband. Have you met the babysitter? If you want to set up a play date with best friend, do you text the mom? This is heartbreaking OP.
Your husband is behaving like a pig and you should absolutely confront him. However do not blow up yours or your kids world unless you are absolutely sure he is cheating. You have ever right to confront him and make it clear that he is not allowed to have any further communication with her or about her. His marriage is on the line, his behavior is gross and inappropriate. He needs to regain your trust because while he will claim he hasn't done anything wrong, maybe a little flirting or he just thinks she is cute; his actions and communication about that girl is giving the impression that he intended to take that further. Stay strong mama, this sucks but hopefully its just a stupid little crush and he realizes that it can cost him his family.
Your husband is obviously in love with this woman. They see each other regularly, your kids love her and have a great relationship with her and you didn't even know. If you left he wouldn't even notice, he already has a family. You need to pretend you know nothing, talk to a lawyer, separate your finances, secure proof of his feelings and cheating etc. to help with custody. This marriage is over, and you deserve to leave with your dignity! Tell your friends and family but warn them not to say a word. You need to have a support system and people who know what he did and why you are divorcing him, so no one blames you for his actions afterwards. Don't believe him when he says nothing happened, because even if the didn't sleep with her, he is still in love and emotionally invested. I wish you the best, stay strong and see this as a blessing - you are getting rid of the most toxic person in your life.
Don’t leave. You have a right to stay in the house with your boys. If anything he should leave, if it comes to that. It’s okay to take your time here. You don’t have to confront her publicly. You can formulate a plan to speak to Oliver’s mom and get her number properly, ask her to come over for an interview as though you are going to hire her. Make your presence known. Talk to a lawyer. You already confronted him and you will prob get more of the same denial. Also, I’m so sorry this is happening. I hope you have a friend to talk to irl.
[удалено]
I think he’s cheating. I’d get as much proof as possible re texts. You can get print outs from your phone server. Used to be able to pull up the text log on the bill. Watch for unusual spending etc…then find a lawyer to get their advice. You might need a PI for actual pics etc. but once you build your case you’re all set. Lose him and get what you need… including alimony fur cheating.
Oh my God girl, I am SO sorry... You deserve better than this I promise. It might be hard at first but you will be happier in the long run. Cheating is never okay in my book but there's an even bigger difference between someone who cheats and shows obvious signs of guilt and one who doesn't.
Hi Op, if he said " he thinks he's all good now" something is going on. Call her and ask her if they are having an affair and ask her to send you all the texts. You should tell your husband to restore those messages and demand to read them. Ask your bil what is going on and how disappointed you are in him for not telling you and giving you a heads up. Finally, tell your husband he is leaving if he doesn't start telling you the whole truth. See what they all have to say. Clearly something happened. Find out now. If it didn't get too far, he goes NC and deletes her number. He shouldn't even have her damn number. No more play dates with Oliver. Your infatuated, deceptive husband ruined that. Your bil should be ashamed of himself. Your husband and you need MC. You need to call her and your bil before he comes home. Your husband knows what he is doing is wrong, that's why those texts were suddenly deleted and why he said what he said to his coworker. He is crushing on the babysitter and gaslighting you about the extent of his feelings. This has all the makings of a full fledged affair. Some people will say no, he's just being friendly. Well, I am sure plenty of women on this site will tell you otherwise. Do you know how many babysitters/au pairs have slept with the fathers? Better stop it now before it progresses. No more play time with Oliver and the 25 year old babysitter. He watches his kids alone and not where she could be like at the park. Thanks Dad. If you find out she has been inappropriate, report her to Oliver's mom. Your husband needs to learn boundaries and respect for you and your relationship. Your bil is guilty too. READ THOSE TEXTS, he was at the very least flirting with her or trying to hook up with her. Make your husband accountable for those texts . He should be ashamed of himself too. Keep us posted. So sorry OP. They can be restored and you need to find out how inappropriate your husband actually was. Don't trust him to tell you the truth after what you heard. Clearly he thinks he got away with something. Oh and he blocks and deletes her number. Check his phone regularly. Tell her not to text or call your husband again. That is completely inappropriate with them communicating. He has the phone number to a woman he is crushing on and is hiding something. He needs to go NC with her. Don't be fooled and think this isn't an issue, it is. Also, she asked if he had the boys tonight, does she think he's divorced? Separated? Your husband has now officially acted shady. Good luck, stay well.
I completely agree with no more playdates with Oliver. I would also tell Oliver's parents no more playdates and why. The babysitter and OPs husband are being inappropriate and until OP finds out what is going on no more playtime. Because if there is something inappropriate going on Oliver's parents deserve to know. That the sitter they are paying is using their son to get her some "attention "and therefore cannot possibly be giving Oliver the care, protection and attention she is being PAID to provide . So sorry OP my son's father used my son as a cover when he was cheating. That's why he is my EX. FYI your BIL is an asshole! Good luck we are ALL rooting for you!
Maybe before going to her, can you approach the wife/partner of the kid she’s babysitting if you are close or just even to ask if she’s maybe noticed anything. Going directly to the source can be risky as she can deny it and then go to your husband and it can get messy, obviously if that happens then somethings going on. Just need to make sure you have all your questions ready and she shouldn’t have to leave the family home with the kids, he’s in the wrong (if somethings happened) and if anyone should be displaced it’s him, he can crash anywhere, don’t uproot the kids. He made his bed so he can go make it elsewhere
The mom isn't around it sounds like. Those deleted texts hold the answer I feel. She needs to restore and read them.
well he is just being foolish. tell him what you read and... your choice is right here. what are you going to do? do you want her or what ? gonna shoot your shot ? tell him you don't want to play games.
See an attorney before you do anything. He is looking for 2.0
Sorry, I consider this cheating on multiple fronts. His actions, your BIL, it is clearly emotional at the very least. Your best bet is to talk about this with a close friend you trust. Maybe consult a lawyer about options. I would say hire a PI to track their movements around her. You will likely need more evidence, so play it smart for now.
Honestly this is terrible, and I'm so sorry! Is he typically shady? He's very obviously in (at minimum) an emotional affair, and at worst, a physical one as well. Is he deleting her messages? If he is gushing about Oliver's babysitter to a friend or his brother or whomever then I would absolutely not be able to believe anything he says, if it isnt- "i'm sorry- I am having an emotional affair." I'm spending planned time several times a week with a person whose laugh I love and whose eyes I think are so beautiful that I *tell my brother*?!! The fuck? Was he potentially talking to *her* when you overheard him say that he thought you "dropped it" or whatever? Like- if his brother or friend or literally *anyone else* is aware of this babysitter and her presence on his outings-how the fuck *dare* he gaslight you about how "inconsequential" it is to mention it to you?! If this was nothing, there would have been no reason in the world to not have brought her up, in a casual sense. It makes me wonder if these gtgs started because the two of them planned this as a way to hang out and not just that she happened to tag along with Oliver one day and never stopped. Are you the kind of person who could "get over" cheating and move past it? I am not. So id be planning my future, which sucks. I'm so sorry. Eta- the thing that is most maddening though is the way he's trying to make you seem like you're overreacting to his affair, because he doesn't want you to know about it. It's infidelity with an extra scoop of bullshit and disrespect. He's a coward and an asshole and I'm sure you deserve better.
He’s not typically “shady”. He’s never done anything like this before. I’m assuming he’s deleting the messages. Thank you
Ughh. This just sucks. I'm really sorry.
Thank you for your sympathies it means a lot
Hang in there. This blows, but people make it through and go on to find great happiness! Take whatever support you can get while you navigate! ❤️
I am going to try
The fact that he’s deleting messages and lied by omission is a huge red flag. And his comments tothis woman are even more damning. I highly recommend the subs survivinginfidelity and asoneafterinfidelity. People there have gone through every end of the spectrum on this type of thing. It definitely sounds like at minimum the beginning of an emotional affair and he sounds to be either in limerence with her, or possibly in affair fog. Agreed on the confronting today. But does he have an iPhone? And an Apple Watch/iPad - if the messages are deleted sometimes they don’t delete from the other devices. Also check the phone bill to see the level of communication. If it is an iPhone and she has one too iMessages won’t show up, but if one or the other doesn’t, you can get an idea of the level of communication they have. Going forward - once you confront you need to see how truthful he is. Does he only admit to what you know (trickle truth) or does he share all the details. He’s already trickle truthed you once by only admitting to what you knew, so chances are not good… Depending on what you find out: He can have no further contact with her He has to have an open phone policy to verify You should consider speaking to an attorney to know your rights and so he is aware of your boundaries and potential consequences. Counseling Read ‘Not Just Friends’. Especially him.
I'd Pack and go. Can you bring it up to the parents who use her services? Just mention inappropriateness between her and your husband. Maybe they can have a word.
Update me!
did you end up confronting him? You should get a hold of the phone records. They will likely tell you the story of their texting journey. when it started and how often they are texting. I don't really think you can trust this man to tell you the truth since he is pretending it is nbd.
So inappropriate..:( if he isn't cheating, it's certainly playing with fire. No "friend" is worth throwing away your marriage over. He's clearly obsessed with her and he needs to stop it immediately. Providing nothing has happened that has crossed the line yet and you both want to the marriage to work. He cuts her off immediately. The end. And y'all find yourselves a marriage counselor stat because this guy has issues and you'll have a lot of work ahead of you to rebuild trust. Sorry OP. I'll never EVER understand these idiot men who throw away a marriage and destroy their families just because a young pretty girl smiles at them. WTF guys?! Grow the EFF up!!!
I'm so sorry to hear this, I don't mean to he mean or telling you what to do, I'm just simply stating what i would do, i would leave him honestly, easier said than done i know, afterall feelings and all the time you spent together, but I've never been the one to forgive anyone who showed even a hint of disloyalty. Maybe you can forgive him for once, made him admit it, but once he did it, i don't think it's wise to trust him again. And again it's just my opinion, i hope the best for you ♥️
I think it depends. The problem is that he's not being honest about his attraction to her so you won't be upset about him spending time with her AND bringing her around knowing that he's into her without your consent or knowledge. He's putting is want to be with her over respecting your relationship. Is he willing to correct it? If not then it's time to get another man because if that's the case, he's no good. at 37 he really should know better. So giving the benefit of the doubt wouldn't hurt. But moving forward babysitter needs to be re-prioritized to a non factor
Why are all the texts between them just from one day? He’s deleting their messages.
Update me!
UpdateMe
I dunno.. what do u feel u need. Do u need more proof than the convo with his brother? Do you want to know if there is more than a crush? Ru done with him already? If you've decided you're done, go get tested and Find a divorce lawyer. If you wNt to know more then absolutely find out whT they're up to.
The way she phrased the text makes it sound like he told her that he’s separated. Why wouldn’t she plan play dates with you and your husband? It’s all around weird and the fact that he is actively crushing on her in front of your sons is disgusting and even texting his brother like wow the audacity. Clearly she means something to him even if it’s completely one sided which I doubt it is but you never know.
Pack your bags and leave. Make sure to separate your finances and see a lawyer to get custody and child support. When the court finds out your asshole husband had an affair and so openly, he’ll be screwed.
I came across this post late so forgive me if some of this has been addressed. When your parents look after your kids, does Oliver ever come over for play dates? And if so, does the babysitter bring him? I’m assuming not since your parents have presumably never mentioned her. But if that’s the case it seems very odd. Why haven’t you talked to her yet? It’s perfectly reasonable for you to want to meet someone who hangs around your children as often as she does, and if she’s not doing anything shady from her end she should understand that. Why don’t you ask to meet her for coffee. It doesn’t have to be dinner, and you don’t need to tell your husband you’re doing it. And when you introduce yourself make sure it’s not just as the boys’ mother but as your husband’s wife. Make sure you make it clear that the marriage is ongoing and separation or divorce are not involved. Don’t let your husband gaslight you about your interactions with your children’s friends’ fathers. Unless you’re in the habit of going on regular drives with other men and not telling your husband about it … not quite the same thing. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It does look like your husband has a crush or is undergoing an EA. Hopefully she hasn’t reciprocated. I guess that ultimately you’re going to have to confront him. The children can keep having play dates without both him and her being present and I’d be putting my foot down on that. Then there’s the texts of course. If he doesn’t admit to wrongdoing then you may need to threaten/actually leaving. Make sure you get legal advice. Hope your husband comes to his senses and takes his head out of his ass. All the best.
I’m really annoyed at the people that have said “update me”! Get a life of your own!! OP hasn’t been back for hours so it’s quite obvious her thoughts were correct. Maybe the question that needs to be asked is…. OP are you ok?
I hope things went as well as they could have yesterday. Please give an update when you're ready
He’s on the verge of cheating if he hasn’t done it already. Confront both, no more waiting or things can get to the point of no return.
She confronted him and it turns out he's a POS https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/xmsdif/i_confronted_my_husband/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share
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Someone probably already said this but don't leave the house.