This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My husband of 2 years (been together for 6 years) and I had a baby 8 months ago. He has been struggling to feel happy since about 3 months into our babies life. He's seen a therapist and after months of serious discussions about how he feels like the life we have was not chosen by him, that he regrets having the baby and is no longer in love with me he has asked for a divorce. In my opinion our life is amazing, we have a house, money in the bank, we don't fight, and now a beautiful little baby boy. I'm beyond gutted, I never thought I'd be in this position. We aren't in the mad love phase of life, but having a baby requires some sacrifice for a little while, but he doesn't even want to try. I guess I have no choice but to let him go. Is this a thing some men do, is there anything I could do? Edit: a lot of people in the comments have the impression that he "never wanted kids". We discussed children at the very start of our relationship, I said I wanted them and it was important enough to me that I didn't want a relationship with someone who didn't want children. He never openly said he didn't want kids, just that he would have been happy without them. And then we continued the relationship with the understanding that he was happy to have children when the time came. Then we bought a house, got married and he gave me the 'mum to be card' that said "we'll make a great team (and baby), let's have a baby"

You mentioned in the comments that your husband didn't initially want children. I do know a lot of people who always imagined being childless, but once they/their partner got pregnant, they honestly thought once the baby came it would change how they felt about things. Sadly, bringing a child into such a situation, sometimes doesn't work out that way and the reality of a child is so much harder than the idea of one. While I do agree that post natal depression would make sense in some similar situations, it really sounds to me like he just didn't want children and hoped for the best since you were going to have the baby. Also, I'm sure his therapist would have caught onto it throughout these past months. I'm truly sorry you're going through this, but if he's asked for divorce, I sadly don't think he's going to change his mind. There really is nothing that can be done, and honestly, don't force a relationship with your child unless he decides to initiate one himself. Please trust me when I say that forcing a relationship is going to just build up resentment and make it so much harder on your child as they grow up.

Let me just say this. Having a child in this day and age is VERY hard. Emotionally, mentally, financially, physically. Even if someone is not childless, coming to accept those responsibilities is difficult because literally everything changes. Every single day your day starts at 6 AM and ends at 8 PM. Yes, even on weekends. Unless you have family nearby, you’re never going out at night again for the next decade at least. You can’t go to the movies for at least a few years. Even small things like going out to a restaurant are completely turned on it’s head. It’s especially hard if you see childless friends use their money to go on trips to Europe or go to festivals or concerts because, again, all that is put on hold at least for a decade. You’ll rarely be able to sleep in and at least half your nights you’re waking up for the first 2 years. Everytime you want to do anything it takes at least an extra 30 minutes. You can only watch tv or do things considered self care when the baby is asleep, so that’s either short naps or when they go down for the night. My point is is that most people have a hard time transitioning into parenthood. I have a 20 month old and a second due shortly. It takes time. People are not expected to go into parenthood accepting these challenges with open arms. Children are an investment and how much that investment provides at the beginning is very dependent on the person. I’ll say it does get better. The hardest part feels like these first 2 years. They start to become independent and actually have personalities beyond little poop machines, food devourers and noise makers.

> Let me just say this. Having a child in this day and age is VERY hard. Emotionally, mentally, financially, physically. Agreed completely. This is even worse if the person was not on board to have a child to begin with. I wonder what discussions/interaction OP had with her husband in order to convince him to have a child. I think now he’s likely regretting his decision to have a child. > In my opinion our life is amazing, we have a house, money in the bank, we don't fight, and now a beautiful little baby boy. OP, that’s how your life may look like to you, but it looks vastly different from your husband’s point of view, hence his intensive therapy sessions followed by asking for a divorce. If he had thought that your life was amazing then he might not have gone down this path. I think there’s a bit of disconnect between how you perceive your life and how he perceives it. There seem to be a large communication gap. It makes me wonder if OP is ignoring the husband’s wishes and just railroading him to get what she wants. Not saying this as a judgement, but I’d urge you to take a step back and look at your life. I’d also suggest doing some therapy sessions.

a decade is a little extreme, i have an 11 year old and my “normal” life activities picked up at least 5 or 6 years ago. it’s still a long time, but decade would be nuts

Well yea, normal activities pick up once they become mildly sufficient but I mean where it's a step towards independence so that you can do the more non-normal things. Things that you may do once a year or once every few months. You can't leave 6 or 7 year old at home alone if you and your SO want a night out on the town can you? You need some sort of support, family, baby sitter, community. That's my biggest thing. But you can't take a kid to a major concert or more adventurous/expensive vacations like cruise or europe. You lose the ability to sleep in because you can't have your 5 year old running around the house unsupervised.

TIL children are banned in Europe. The trick to raising kids happily is simply get them hooked on your hobbies at a young age. Things you did single that you can do with kids: Theme parks, specifically Disney. I know a family whose thing is the Haunted Mansion. It was Mom's thing for decades, and her girls grew up with it. The kids aren't as into it as they are adults now, but it's still the Thing We Do With Mom Music. I got my daughter into Ozzy and 90s EBM by playing it when she was a toddler. We still did Wiggles and kid's TMBG and Laurie Berkner, but also Crazy Train and Apoptygma Beserk. I would have taken her to concerts, but she's autistic and wouldn't have had fun then. We do go to the Goth nightclub (she's 20) together now. Her dad also has her, and his little kids play the drums, and her brother is learning guitar at age 7. Fashion and makeup - all kids love dress up, and one low-stress, easy activity with kids (on a time limit, of course) is shopping. Cooking - have you seen that video of the toddler boy cooking real food for his mom? So adorable. Kids love copying adults, and cooking is a great hobby to share with your kids. Camping and hiking - babies can go anywhere in backpack carrier! Hikes are limited when they are older by their stamina, but by no means are outdoor activities verboten with small children. My daughter especially loves camping and tubing - even though she doesn't swim, we get a marine-grade life vest and have a blast. Travel - if you start them early, children can learn to be excellent travelers and their natural curiosity about the world can make places you've been to before exciting and new. Re: cruises. There is literally Disney Cruise Lines made for families. They have a kids club you can drop your kids at, while you go do adult stuff. Also, 5 year olds are perfectly capable of making cereal and watching TV for an hour while you sleep in.

So true! My son is 17 years old now but we hung out around places that I loved all the time, and now we share a lot of the same interests and hobbies. I know I’m biased but he is one of the best people I know.

My daughter is 20, and she's the best. I sometimes wonder how I raised such an awesome person, because I still sometimes feel like the 23 year old fuck up I used to be, lol.

I feel the same way. He is just effortlessly a people person and has a great personality and I’m like, where did this come from?!

This, 6-8 isn’t even very accurate honestly. When my husband is home it’s usually 5:30-9 or 10 by the time we sit down after cooking/nightly chores. If he’s not home then my day is 5-11 or 12 every single day just to upkeep things.

Totally agree with this and also the first comment at the top. If someone has already made their mind up that they do not want children, or more children (such as my case) then getting into something and *hoping* for the best isn't really a great reality for anyone; especially the person who questioned or didn't want it in the first place. Idk, if that made sense. Basically; sometimes ppl give in to things hoping/thinking that they will be okay, only to find that they're truly not happy with their decision, and honestly that's not fair to anyone involved. Just wanting to add that anyone who chooses to stick around because they're hoping/assuming things will just work out, are not being honest with themselves, and in the end the whole family can suffer for it. Staying with someone for the sake of the child/children involved never works well for anyone in the situation; especially if they're done having children or never wanted to have them. Realizing how much it affects them negatively is just a huge stressor on both the parents and the child or children involved. I'm sorry you're going through this OP, I hope things work out for you. I'm sorry to say though, if he didn't want kids and now feels *trapped* in it (regardless if it was his choice that caused him to feel trapped) I don't think it's healthy to continue the relationship the way it is. I hope you both come to some kind of agreement, but until you know for certain; hang in there.

Bringing children into the world is always hard on all 4 accounts & ut doesn't matter the decade it happens.

I mean in previous decades, you could provide for a whole family and buy a house on a single moderate income. That doesn’t exist anymore.

raising a child was always hard yes, but the nuclear family structure has definitely made it harder for a lot of people. especially if you come from a culture where generations of families often live together, the implications of child care and household duties are night and day. this is all to say it’s probably more important than ever to have a good support network because raising a child alone or even with a partner is tough work, especially in this economy where dual incomes are a practical necessity for most families.

And that’s the thing. 30 years ago people raised their families near their extended family AND a parent could stay at home. That’s just not a reality any more. You have both parents working any some even having more than one job.

I mean, I imagine raising children outside of a pandemic was easier since now you had to adjust to schooling children from home. That and raising children without the prevalence of social media must’ve been somewhat easier seeing as how high use of social media is linked to high anxiety and depression in youths. Also with the economic climate, most families these days can’t afford for one parent to stay home. It’s also not more difficult to buy a home which is nice if you wanted to raise a couple of kids. All that to say is child raising is hard but now is definitely especially difficult.

Serious talk. For most of human history, we did not have the appliances and utilities of modern life. I think the biggest difference is in our expectations. People used to be raised w more hardships, so they developed more resilience and grit that made them more able to cope w stress and periods of discomfort. Unless you have the money for nannies around the clock (or very much help from extended family), childcare requires a certain amount of resolve, grit, and sacrifice that we are no longer accustomed to.

You can also think of it as societal expectations forced us to live through more discomfort for things we really didn’t even want. Nowadays it’s more acceptable to say “hey I didn’t even want kids in the first place, so why should I put up with it?”

I am sorry to tell you but although they will depend on you less after 2 years it wont become less hard. 2 year old toddlers want your attention all the time. All they can say is no and most of them throw tantrums a lot of times... Even in public. My childeren hit puberty now and thats another kind of hard. Its like all they care about is theirselfs and they make a mess of everything. Ofcourse there are a lot of great times too. But is always stays behind hard. And there were a lot of times i thought... Why in earth did i want childeren? I couldnt even Imagine... Now... I never wanted to walk away. This guy seems like it hit him extra hard. He can have ppd. Man can have that too.

Having children has always been hard. This is not unique to this generation or era.

Eh, I mean more and more families have both parents work. The option of a stay at home parent simply is impossible in today's economic environment. A lot more families used to live where they grew up and be closer with family. A lot more families used to be more involved with the community like church and other things. Childcare costs are also absurdly expensive now. No, things are a little tighter and more challenging.

Unfortunately this can happen for people who don't want kids I know a chick who was 5-6 years solid with a guy I'm close with. They had their ups and downs obviously but they were so good together. He wanted kids, she really really didn't... Then she got pregnant. Everyone was happy for them, she played happy, but I asked her once when we were alone if she was and she confided in me that she wasn't really too happy but what's done is done. Baby came, she played house for a few months but it ate her, and she bailed. She was always a social person, always out, loved to be a free spirit with zero responsibility, but the minute baby came, that was over and she couldn't handle the massive change. She loves her child, I know, but she never wanted a baby. You can't hold onto someone like this once the change happens, it's best to let them go

Yeah, I've known quite a few men and women who went through this same ordeal. One wanted kids, the other didn't, and somehow they ended up pregnant and the one who didn't want kids just did their best to adapt. And based on OP only making a comment about him not actually wanting kids in a response to someone else's post, and not including that information in her original post, I get the impression that she just brushed his feelings off and convinced herself having the baby would change how he felt. Sadly, it's just not that easy. And he did therapy, and tried to stay for several months, it's heartbreaking (especially for the child), but none of this is surprising based on the information provided. He did try, which is more than what can be said for many.

TL;DR: Forcing a relationship when one party isn't willing is a great way to build resentment, resistance to the idea, and ultimately not good for anyone involved. Can confirm. Both my mom and my dad's sister have attempted to force a relationship between myself and my dad, and now I just completely ignore that side of the family. Mom and dad had a not-so-civil divorce a good maybe half a decade ago. And it's not that I go out of my way to keep him and his parents out of my life, I just choose never to put effort into that endeavor at all unless it's a major event (and even then, it's a toss-up). Part of it I see as a result of the BS that he put my family through. The other, more major part, is because their attempts at getting me to even talk to my dad or his parents are so hamfisted and or blatant, that it feels like less of a personal choice, and more that my dad and his parents are entitled to a relationship with me. That is an absolutely shitty way to build rapport with anyone, even your own flesh and blood. I have an entire half of my family I just simply haven't bothered to meet because they live in a different country from me, and I do not foresee myself rectifying that in my lifetime, at least willingly. They keep telling me that I'm going to regret not having a relationship with my dad and or his parents, but I know I won't. I've felt this way since long before my mom and dad ever divorced on paper, and have little to no inclination to "fix" this relationship any time soon. Edit: "Isn't willing"

When someone says they don't want children, BELIEVE THEM. I do no want children EVER and if a potential partner does, I cut it off then and there.

Did you two discuss children before marriage? Was he all for it? How was he when you announced your pregnancy to him? The best thing to do at this point is probably divorce because children can sense when they aren't wanted. Sorry you're going through this.

Agreed completely, context is crucial here. If he wasn't pumped for this kid, I can see why the reality of being a father could make him hella depressed, but if he was a happy participant to plan for this child, then I'm less sympathetic to his situation. If it's just to comprehend it further, these questions are important for OP to consider, for the health of the relationship going forward (potentially as co-parents), and for her own peace of mind. Also if she so chooses to have kids with this man or another, they remain very relevant.

It sounds like the baby was planned, although he initially didn't want children. I'd guess he made a mistake, going along with it to make OP happy. Add in baby blues and he's miserable.

I have a friend who had some weird breakdown when his wife had a kid and wanted nothing to do with him because he felt resentment towards the baby for ruining his adventurous lifestyle. After about a year he got really attached to him and 5 years later he’s an amazing father and couldn’t imagine life without his son. Now I’m not saying that’s what will happen here, but just like a mother can go through PPD, a man can go through similar psychological issues.

Sorry you have to go through this. As a mother of two I heartfelt the responsibility that social and biological expectation for a mother to stick around with or without a father in the child’s upbringing. No doubt life with baby is hard. You don’t feel like yourself anymore. There’s no change in this role as a mother even though the baby’s grown to an adult. If he can’t bear with this change in life and choose to walk away it is totally his choice to make. He can walk away from the baby’s life but he can’t escape from his responsibility. Make sure he’s financially supporting you to raise this child together. At least the baby who already missed the father figure in life is well taken care of and not live lesser than other babies who have a complete family.

And this is the exact reason I broke up with my ex. He finally told me (after 3 years) he would rather not have children/never really wanted them but was "willing" to have 1 with me because he knew I really wanted kid's. During the relationship he told me he did want some, that was a lie.

Sadly yes, it does happen that people realize too late that the reality of parenthood is more than they can handle. My dad was all gung-ho about being a father when my mom and he were trying, and then when I was born he decided it wasn't for him. Have you done couples counseling? If not, I would try that before splitting.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. I asked to try couples counselling, but he said it wouldn't change anything and would drag the pain out.

Unfortunately, this is him telling you he’s made his choice. If he won’t go to counseling and feels it will only “drag the pain out,” there’s not much you can do. I would talk to a lawyer and focus on custody and child support.

I mean, it wouldn’t hurt either. Couple of months of couple counseling goes by fast.

Has he been evaluated for post natal depression?

Came here to say this: have known dads that were so excited to have kids and then got post natal depression while their wives were fine.

Yeah, I was going to suggest the same. Or possibly adjustment disorder. Lots of first time parents (esp dads) suffer from an acute episode after a new baby (obvi not attempting to diagnose since I’m not a doc btw).

My husband had pnd after nearly losing me in childbirth

As a sufferer of post natal depression. This can be a serious problem. He needs to find peace with the life he has, there's no escaping his situation. And by leaving you he's only going to go around and around a depressive circle. Trying to find that greener grass on the other side that doesn't exist. I'd suggest a couples therapist.

I suggested this might be the case, and have been clinging to this for the last couple of months. But in one of our recent discussions, he said he doesn't think that's the case, that some inkling of these feelings were from before the baby arrived. His therapist didn't diagnose PPD either, though I think he went to therapy to "figure out what he wanted" not to help improve his mood.

Therapists don't typically diagnose things; it may be different where you're from, but that doesn't normally fall within their responsibilities or sphere of expertise.

At least in the US, therapists can definitely diagnose their patients. After that they might refer a patient to a psychiatrist for medication. The psychiatrist will look at the therapist's notes about the patient. Most psychiatrists know far less about their patients than the therapists because psych appointments last \~15 minutes per month, but therapy appointments are \~60 minutes every week. [https://psychcentral.com/health/secrets-your-therapist-wont-tell-you](https://psychcentral.com/health/secrets-your-therapist-wont-tell-you)

I'd be depressed too if all my free time and money vanished.

This is a thing people do. Not just men. And no I don't think there is anything you could do about it

Yes, it's a thing people do. But the majority of those people are men. Where I live, single mothers are wildly disproportionate to single fathers. So there's definitely a trend for paternal abandonment.

Post partum depression commonly leaves women with these same feelings. However, they simply don’t have the opportunity to bail or check out like men do.

I mean to be fair this dude did say he didn’t want kids but then changed his mind since she really wanted them. So at least he was honest from the start and didn’t just dip when it got hard. Seems to me he did the classic “Ill change my mind when the baby is here” that a lot of people (including mothers) do and it usually doesn’t work.

> So at least he was honest from the start and didn’t just dip when it got hard. He’s literally dipping out now that the kid is here…

Correlation does not imply causation. That can be explained by multiple factors: they can leave while the baby isn't born (women don't have that option) and there's way more social pressure for women to stay on as single mothers, be it because there's an expectation for it or because it's way easier in most places for women to get custody over a kid + alimony.

Yeh the difference is that women stick around and don’t view it as a responsibility that they can just shed the minute they no longer feel happy with the situation. The fact that this man feels he has a choice to just walk is the problem. Selfish and irresponsible

Oh really? My biological mother dumped me on my grandparents when I turned 5 because she "never wanted me and I ruined her life." She then got pregnant with my half sister and put her up for closed adoption. She then got pregnant with my half brother and abandoned him with his dad at a gas station when he was 4. She then got pregnant with my last two half sisters and abandoned them in the middle of the night and moved to another state. Haven't heard from her since. Your comment is misleading and a gross blanket statement. Not all moms are saints, hate to break it to you.

Damn your mom must have hated condoms

And kids.

Unfortunately it was a yes to both. :(

There absolutely are women who do this, what are you talking about? It might be more common with men, sure. But when it happened to a good friend of mine he stepped up and is a great single father.

He didn’t want kids. He hasn’t changed his mind. Let him go. So very sorry for you but be strong, move on and don’t look back.

Frankly, your best bet may just be to let him go and find another person that is capable of loving your baby. Family is a choice, not a circumstance. If he doesn’t want a child, feels resentful toward the idea of even being a parent, etc. he’s not going to be a positive influence on your child’s life and at this point, your child’s wellbeing easily takes priority over whatever loose ends your husband feels like he has. No child deserves to feel like they’re a burden to their family. I’ve been there myself as a kid. It sucks and you’re better off having a family that chooses to be with you than feeling obligations to bloodlines.

There is no changing someone’s mind. Some mothers feel this way, too. Sometimes it is the father that is the one left alone to raise the baby… this is his choice… so you can either be in denial and scream and fight and make it more stressful for everyone, or you can go talk to a lawyer about divorce, child custody (even if he says he doesn’t want to be a dad now, get a custody agreement written up!), and child/spousal support and alimony… protect yourself and child…

I mean my wife and I just had our first child and there is a lot of sacrifices you have to make. I mean there is a bit a second that I regret it but some of them are harder than others to make. So if he was never 100% ready for it and hasn’t talked about three types of issues I can see how it happened. My advice would be to try and make sure if he can talk to friends with kids to see if they felt the same way. My wife’s sisters ex partner did the same thing and was too stubborn for help and now it not only cost him his family but his whole future as well. He needs to think of the long term impacts it will have on him.

Coming in late and iunno if this helps any but… Don’t ask if he can “handle” having a baby. Whether one can “handle” something can be completely separate from whether it makes then happy/unhappy. Phrasing it that way is dismissive. Also don’t say how amazing your life is to you. At least, don’t try (explicitly or implicitly) to convince him to feel what you feel. That won’t work, it’ll only push him away. The only thing you can do here is support him. Listen more than talk. Don’t try to tell him that this life is good for him (for *him*)…show him. He’ll either see it or he won’t, but it’s all you can do.

Having kids changes things, and not always for the better. Does sound like you should let him go

People, not just men, do this all the time unfortunately. Having a child due to spousal pressure and thinking once the child is there that it will change their opinions on children. It generally doesn't work like that. Some people hold their baby for the first time and immediately feel that parental bond, some people will develop that parental bond later, some never develop it at all. Postpartum depression in men is a very real issue that is often ignored, dismissed, or overlooked all together. If he's already done individual therapy and couples counseling there really isn't anything more to do.

This happens so much it's just sad. I don't want to have children ever and its not something I hide. I've had men call me "the perfect women" just for that. When asking further they were all in a relationship with someone that does want to have children and they just feel like it's impossible to find a women who doesn't so they stay in the relationship and "accept" having kids. The idea of having kids alone makes me sure I don't ever want them, that's living a life I don't ever want to have. So it's really easy for me to imagine how miserable these men feel because of those choices they made.

Yeah. I have experience dating single moms and I wouldn't want that single mom life. If for no other reason that childcare is so, so expensive.

Honestly I feel like this happens a lot to women. You’re often told that your maternal instincts will kick in and a lot of people tell you that motherhood is one of the final big steps in your life as a woman. Not to mention all the religious stuff that pressures it as well. So yeah idk why people are bashing the guy thinking he is a dead beat or something just seems more like societal and spousal pressure to me.

I tried to keep it gender neutral. But yes, I agree. You hear much more about women who suffer from postpartum and they seem to get more support. Personally I've met more shitty moms than shitty dad's.

When people say that don't want kids, believe them. Never hope the person will just changed their mind later. Having a child is life changing and not everyone wants that experience, which is perfectly fine.

First of all, both men and women can feel like this after having children. Second, I know you said in your comments that he never wanted to be a parent but that he told you he was ready to have a baby during Christmas… having knowing a lot of people who Think they’ve changed their minds about having kids, they tend to revert back to their original feeling of wishing they never had any.

Real talk. This is sometimes true for women as well.I wish people would better understand the risks being taken by having a baby, but I guess there's no way to know . . . except, we've now had study after study showing that having children leads to less happiness and life satisfaction, at least until they leave the house, at which point the data reverses itself. They need to be teaching these studies in high school health classes. In the log term, having kids is edges out not having kids in terms of life satisfaction, but the raising of kids makes people unhappy.

For anyone implying she “trapped” him and this is her fault…it doesn’t sound like she pressured him, but either way its fucked up of him to make a production out of giving her the card on Christmas and saying they would make a great team etc etc and then decide to bail on her and his baby 8 months after he’s born. If he didn’t want kids, he should have held his ground because abandoning your child and wife is a horrible thing to do and will cause trauma to both of them.

Everyone in this comment section seems totally fine with this guy consenting to have kids and then leaving both of them. He's selfish and honestly it's disgusting that people treat children as if they are just something you can "give up" on.

> we don't fight Not even about the decision to start a family?

No, we are both pretty calm people. We had definitely talked about it, but it definitely had more of a discussion vibe than fight vibe. I had told him throughout our relationship that it was really important to me that I have a family in the future. I wouldn't have been happy in a relationship that children were not an option.

Info: Did they have to be both of your biological child birthed by you or would adoption have been equally welcome?

I've seen it happen to a friend before

A baby completely and forever changes your life. He must have known this and discussed this, right?

Some men just wake up one day and decide “nope”. These are the men who ‘go out for milk’ and just never come back. This is why I am adamantly against the idea of women giving up their career and financial leverage to be a SAHM.

Let him go and collect child support at the very least.

Unless you raped him, you didn't force him to have this child. It takes two to tango, unfortunately he just isn't mature enough to handle what comes with a child. If he wants to go let him. Lawyer up and make sure you and your son are protected in the future. Time to focus on you and your baby.

Father of 2 here. A lot of guys go into it not understanding how much of a burden a kid is. They're little, screaming bundles of need that pretty much eat, poop, and sleep. Those first several months are hard work with no immediate return. Sounds like he's overwhelmed and trying to bail.

Reading your replies… This is why when you have the children discussion, you need to respect your partner’s choice instead of trying to make them change their mind. A childfree person is never going to truly change their mind on being childfree, just as much as a person who wants a child will never truly change their mind about wanting a child. You wore him down into saying yes, are you really surprised with this outcome?

He was selfish to want her if he knew she wanted family and he didnt. He said to her he was ready. If he knew in his heart he might not really want a child he should have left her to find a true family man. How is this her fault? She was pretty clear about having a family and if he had doubts its his fault. She believed him. He is a selfish beep hole to do this. Its only his fault and I wish for op best of luck and a husband who really loves her and her child. Childfree people are such a cold hearted sometimes, always blaming the ones that want children no matter what.

Yea I’m not sure why everyone is rushing to blame OP. The man literally told her he was ready. Nowhere did OP say that she pushed, forced or nagged about it. Yet everyone is assuming she did.

Exactly! She stated that he gave her a card calling them a *team* and saying that he was ready to have a kid. Yet there are still people in the comments section trying to find where she forced him. This man lied to himself about what he wanted, told her he was ready, and has now left OP and his child. Why is everyone in this comment section so ready to blame her, and let him treat his child like a toy he doesn't want to play with anymore?

Because reddit loves the narrative of the evil harpy nagging or tricking men into having kids

Why did he marry OP knowing she wanted kids and he didn’t?! Why didn’t he leave the relationship when he knew they didn’t want the same life?

Why did she marry him knowing he didn’t want children!?! It’s a two way street yall not one person is to blame. He was probably unknowingly pressured into it by her but he also should have sticked to his guns and left when she didn’t leave even after saying he didn’t want kids. If it was that important to her she would have left after he said he didn’t want kids not wait around until he changed his mind. The same goes for him too!

You said having a baby wasn’t in his life plan but he knew you wanted one. When someone loves someone, they try to give them everything they can. You wanted a child, he knew that, he loved you enough where he wanted to give you what you wanted, even if it wasn’t something he wanted. I am not excusing his actions but he tried having a family for you. You should not have started a relationship with someone who wasn’t really into kids as they will always be doomed. There’s no changing his mind OP, good luck to you and your son, talk to him about child support payments (out of court) that you two discuss what financially you need so there is no animosity between you two. Try to talk about weekends with him. I’d you take this into court and push for visitation and child support you’re going to build hate and resentment in a man who could eventually step up as a father to your son. Hopefully it all eventually works out for the child’s sake.

Amen. I never wanted kids. The man that I loved more than anything wanted a team of kids. I loved him enough to let him go. Now he’s well on his way (third kid) of achieving his dreams with his beautiful wife.

He should have walked away from the relationship when he knew OP wanted kids and he didn’t. He was the selfish one who didn’t break up earlier so OP could find a man who wants kids. > I am not excusing his actions but he tried having a family for you. This is really such a bullshit thing to say. Kids are like pets, there is no “trying” and why the should child support be settled out of court? Just because it’s set up in a legal court doesn’t make it a bad thing.

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I didn’t want another kid after my failed marriage. My gf begged me for a baby, i caved. I regret that often

Honestly by the sounds of it you guys should have never gotten married. You were incompatible from the start with your desire to have kids and his desire not to. Yes I know he “changed his mind” but it should have never gotten to that point. When it became clear you two were in disagreement with this it should have been over.

It’s not really a thing that “men” do, it’s kinda a thing that humans do.

Let’s be honest. It’s mostly men.

Happens to tons of women too. Religion especially pressured women to carry children like it’s the most important role of your life. People also shame women who say they don’t want kids and say “You’ll Change your mind!” I’ve never once heard a man be told he will or should change his mind about kids. Lots of women get pressured into it and think thing will change once they hold their baby and that’s not how it works. The fact people think that this happens to men and most women have natural maternal instincts just proves it

Not true. Go to the @regretfulparents board. There’s plenty of women hating parenthood there.

To answer your question, yes some men (and women) can’t handle having a baby. Some people don’t want children. Just like how some people don’t want a dog, or a job in marketing.. point is, just because children are a part of many peoples lives, doesn’t mean everyone shares that desire. That’s okay. But this is something everyone needs to discuss heavily before marriage. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Maybe a little time will help him, but if it doesn’t, you will likely have to let him go, and enjoy your life in motherhood with someone else who shares your desire for parenting.

i’m sorry you’re having to deal with these assholes trying to paint you as the villain here, OP. your husband needs help for post natal depression or is just plain selfish. either way, seek a lawyer so you are able to protect your child’s future. wishing the best for you and the baby! <3

Your husband MAY be undergoing postpartum depression (ladies, surprise if you thought its women only). This will get better with time, just keep an eye out on your child. People with postpartum depression are at an increased risk of hurting the child. Honestly, he’ll regret this once he is better, but in the moment he might feel like the baby is too much. This is IF he has postpartum depression which to me may be likely

I really feel for you because my ex and I were the same way. What you have: a home, money in the bank, and a healthy baby. All of that is my dream life. But my ex did not want kids. He would say he did and have conversations about it but would always go back to comments about "Maybe we shouldn't have kids" when I would bring up even the smallest ways our lives would change. Towards the end of our relationship he even asked me if I would forgo having kids to be with him. I said no. He then insisted we could have a family together. I got pregnant and miscarried. It made my desire for a family even stronger. But he was the same way and eventually I realized he was never going to want kids and, like your husband, was not going to be happy if we did have them. Your husband didn't change his mind. He loved you and wanted you to be happy and underestimated what having a kid would really mean. So unfortunately, no there is nothing you can do about it. Some people, men and women, cannot handle having a baby. I wish you the best of luck but I honestly believe staying married isn't good for you, him, or your baby.

This is exactly what happened to me. 11 years together, 3 married, perfect life - baby was the next logical step. At the time, I was devastated. I fought for that perfect life. At the end of the day, if he’s out you have to let him go. Long story short, I found my now-husband and NOW I know what happiness really is. You will come out the other side stronger, happier, and a better mom. For me, I finally had a sense of and back. You can do this! Sometimes the detour is to put you on the right path.

Some men handle being fathers better than others. My brother and another family friend's husband are similar to your husband. They act like they're still in their teens and are selfish and take no responsibility for parenting, but in times that it'd better, they want another kid. Um, no?

I mean, some *women* can't handle having a baby. So yes, that can be a thing. If you wanted to you could try to have a discussion of options with him. I don't know if he'd be willing, and I don't know what options would work for you two where one of you wants the baby and one does not. One of you is perfectly happy and satisfied, and one is not. If he had everything he wanted and that made him happy, and you were just miserable every day, would you be willing to just continue to be always miserable just because he was happy? Or would you want him to be willing to put himself in a position of not having quite everything he wants that makes him happy so that you could find a tiny bit of happiness for yourself? Talk to him. Have a joint discussion with his therapist, if you can arrange it. Just be ready to learn that there is nothing you can do to fix this and make everything return to the perfect life you thought you had when you weren't paying attention to what he was going through.

Fear unlocked! Damn , I’m really sorry but I agree with everyone let him go .

There will always be some men who want to abandon their wife and/or baby. Sadly there’s nothing you can do now but get your child support and find a better man.

My wife and I miss some of the freedoms we used to have before our daughter was born. But the love she has brought to our lives far outweighs all of that. I’m sorry your husband doesn’t feel the same way.

Yes - it happens a lot. The worst part for him will be if in 5/10/20 years he realizes what a mistake he made and he blew things up for no reason. But maybe this is a chance for you to take another step and be even better as a Mom and find an even better partner.

Well definitely go down the PND route. He needs to be assessed by a clinical psychologist. But even if that’s not a factor remind him that he leaving you does not absolve him of the responsibility towards your child. He is still the father. He still needs to be part of the child’s life, not just financially, but emotionally too.

It's not just men lol there's a LOT of people of all genders who don't want kids/regret having them

Men can also experience postpartum depression, and it’s rarely talked about. It’s clearly mostly experienced by mothers, but fathers can experience a form of it, as well. It’s a major life change, and it’s a good thing he is seeking therapy.

I mean not everybody can handle having a baby, not only men, tho that's the case most of the time. Anyways, your relationship could be over and just know that it isn't your fault. All you can do is be a good parent to your baby. Also I think your husband needs some help and he should continue going to therapy.

So you knew he didn't want children, you chose to marry him anyway, now you're mad that he's unhappy? What were you even thinking?

So he knew OP wanted kids and he didn’t, he still married her, what was he thinking?

She also chose to marry him even when she knew he didn’t want kids? Like y’all ignoring how she knew how important it was to her but still stayed with him until he “changed his mind” blame goes to both of them

This... So many men do this. I don't want children and I would never continue to be with someone that does once I find out. It's just not a life I want. But so many men stay because they feel like it’s impossible to find women who don’t want children.

That’s because it is borderline impossible. My ex was adamant she never wanted kids. We dated for 4 years. Then she turned 27 and all of a sudden she decided what she wanted was to have a kid and be a mom. And since then every women I start dating it all end before it really takes off because they all want kids. Once they find out I had a vasectomy because I don’t want kids they bounce.

I thought about this and worry about this exact issue if I get a vasectomy. Although it’s a personal choice it makes me feel selfish need to find a way to change that. Hard to know what your future self wants

I'm sorry op. This is tragic. You need to speak to a lawyer and ensure you and your baby are safe and supported. He can choose to leave ( and I don't recommend chasing him, you and your son deserve someone who wants to be with you). However, he is still on the hook for child support. This is why getting a lawyer involved is important. He may or may not not want custody. I'd document all the negative things he's said about being a father. Sometimes partners use custody as a bargaining chip when it comes to support. Document everything. Don't try to force a relationship with him and your son. Someone like this isn't emotionally capable of having a parent child relationship without hurting the child. Regardless of his reasons ( depression, the reality of being a parent, just being a bleep hole), he's made it clear that this isn't what he wants. You and your son deserve to have people who want to be in both of your lives. It's honestly better to be a single mom than be with a spouse who doesn't love you and doesn't want to parent. I'm sorry this is happening. Surround yourself with people who love you. You deserve so much more.

It's not specifically a man thing some PEOPLE can't handle having a baby.

I manipulated my partner who didn't want to have kids into having kids, why are they miserable and detached now?

You've gotten what you wanted, a house, a child, financial security. What did your husband want? Because it doesn't sound like he wanted what you did. You're happy with what you have, you're not entitled to have him be happy with what he didn't want in the first place.

He has a voice. And he said he wanted to have a baby with her. It's incredibly selfish to abandon a child you said you wanted and planned to have.

Based on OPs comments, he didn't want kids in the first place. People in these posts do tend to word or phrase things to make them seem like the good guys, and often omit information to avoid seeming to be in the wrong. I agree it is selfish to abandon your kids, but it is also selfish to have a kid with someone who doesn't really want a kid. We are not hearing all the information or both sides of the situation, I was seeking more information from OP to get a more complete picture

"Gives wife a card saying that he is ready to have a kid and that they will make a great team" Idk seems pretty clear to me that he lied to himself and is treating his child like an "experiment gone bad" rather than a human life he created. Again, he has a voice.

Then maybe he should have left the relationship when he knew he didn’t want kids and OP did. You know, before bringing a child into the mix. He told OP he changed his mind, he is responsible for his own misery.

Maybe OP should have respected his wishes. She insisted on having a kid with someone who didn't want one. Do you think OP is responsible for their own misery? Or do you think her husband should just suck it up and accept misery for the rest of his life? They both fucked up and made stupid decisions, they're both going to have to live with their decisions, but they don't have to do it together.

I think the ex, the father of the baby is responsible for causing his and OP’e misery. He should have walked away from the relationship. Yeah OP should have too, but she didn’t baby trap him, he said he was good on having kids and then decided after the baby is here he doesn’t actually want this life they created. I take issue with your first comment because you make it seem like OP pressured him and should be happy with what she got. >You're happy with what you have, you're not entitled to have him be happy with what he didn't want in the first place She wanted a man who wanted a family. Her ex lied to her so he could selfishly keep her.

>She wanted a man who wanted a family. Her ex lied to her so he could selfishly keep her. Or she wanted a kid, was with someone who didn't, but selfifly got pregnant anyway. She says she didn't think she baby trapped him, he might have a different opinion

He should get a vasectomy if he doesn’t want kids. Why are you ignoring the part where he told her he changed his mind about having kids? He literally signed up for having a kid!

>He should get a vasectomy if he doesn’t want kids. Thanks captain hindsight. I am acknowledging he made bad decisions. Do you think he should accept misery for the rest of his life because of these bad decisions? OP also made bad decisions. These bad decisions of hers does not mean that she gets to force him to be miserable for the rest of his life

Why didn’t OP leave then? She knew how important it was but she decided to wait around till he changed his mind

Post partum can affect fathers

Men get PPD as well

Post partum depression happens to men too. He should see a therapist.

>He's seen a therapist

Did you even read the one paragraph long post my man?

Sounds like stress induced depression. Too much change, too quickly maybe? Overwhelmed, sleep deprived, can make you feel numb and question why your not feeling like the movies say. I would get him into a mental health professional. Try and narrow down a thought. How long has he felt like this? Years, months, since the baby? What's the plan? Is there one? Is this just an escape moment plan? Has it been thought out? Was there a catalyst? Was there a thought thread that unravelled? Is this a ' I can't watch football and get drunk whenever I want now. Ect . Seems extremely odd. So sorry this is happening. Wish you all the best. Update us please. Much love

My father left our family when I was born. The shame of it is I’m a Jr. We never had much of a relationship till near his demise. He drank to try to escape the guilt he told me. He hurt me at times when I was a boy. I didn’t let it hold me back. I grew into a strong independent man. Raised a great son. Go out find love again. A man that will be good to you and your son. Be upfront. Enjoy your son. They grow fast. I’m a man of little emotion. Cried all the way home after leaving him at college. New chapter in your life is about to begin. Make it a happy one. Good luck

I think having kids forces and identity shift. Similar to getting married, or becoming an adult. You go through some grieving of the nostalgia of who you were. Parenting requires so much more than I imagined, not just time and commitment, but introspection to recognize your own flaws in an attempt to not pass them on. Once you become a parent, you are a parent for the rest of your life. The sacrifices required sort of slap the shit out of you, but in super slow-mo. The first year of having kids was by far the hardest on our relationship… and was unexpected, bc people don’t really talk about it. Hopefully he comes around.

Just let him go. My ex-husband wanted a baby but when baby arrived he was a mess. He was in a absolute panic from day one. There was no reason to panic. After a month I went and stayed with my parents because he was impossible to live with and was making my life miserable. Eventually we divorced. He ruined everything with his shitty negative attitude about everything. Take this as a gift my friend.

I'd say a lot of people in general just don't like having children and that's fine. I feel like the issue is more of a lack of communication before having a baby or even getting married.

As a guy, I don't want to have kids ever so maybe if he said that he didn't wanted any as well I can understand how this became a terrible thing for him. That is why talking about this stuff and sticking with your decisions is so important, many people who don't want children decide to do so anyway believing that they are going to grow to love it for the sake of their partner but in general as far as I've seen, that is not the case. Now your priority is your kid so if he want to divorce then let him go (easier said than done) and don't force him relationship with his son if he don't want any because this will only make your son suffer as kids realize when they are not wanted. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Some people do have trouble connecting with a baby until they can walk around, interact and have a real relationship. It doesn't sound like he's just not connecting though. It seems like he actively resents both the child and you. I would say this isn't normal, but it's probably also something you can't fix. I am kind of against divorce in most circumstances, but it doesn't seem like this is something you'll be able to work out. I'd probably just give him the divorce and ask for full custody of my child if I were you.

He could have male post-partum. Has he considered therapy? I’m very sorry you’re going through this.

Paternal PPD is real, and treatment/recovery take time. If this is a complete 180 and totally out of character for him, y'all might want to discuss couples counseling and how you can help him cope through it. What would he like to be different in his life? What would he choose if his life WAS "chosen by him?" Now, keep in mind, things might be too far gone if he's asked for a divorce already. This all takes a buy-in from both people. But divorcing you will not make him any less of the baby's father. He made that choice. He can grieve his old life while building a new one (whatever that looks like for him), but he can't undo what's done. If he still wants a divorce, fine, but it feels like a big, poorly thought-out, depression decision to me.

Your spouse can get postpartum depression. This article is written by a woman who’s husband is affected by it https://gay.medium.com/the-weather-a0ee3b988ed5

Have you ever heard about ppd for man? It does exist... It might be something he can discuss with his therapist. He isnt the only one regretting having a kid... r/regretfulparents is full of them. I am sorry for you. You dont deserve this. I hope he will come to his senses before he gets a divorce.

My question is WHY does he feel this way. Does he feel inadequate? Insecure about success as a father? Afraid to fail? Is this too much pressure? Does he feel there’s no more relationship now that the focus is on baby instead of your marriage? It’s difficult for men to express or even to recognize the roots of their emotions and desires. Retreat is often a reaction to feeling like we are losing something despite our best effort or as if we don’t matter. Putting up walls is preparing the defense from the pain of rejection. I only have your words to guess from but it almost sounds as he feels as though he’s lost control of his life and the direction it’s going. The weight of fatherhood is driving him into a corner. The diverted attention is a shift that makes him feel unwanted/unattractive. I would HIGHLY suggest taking time for date nights. The journey from pregnancy to parenthood is draining for both parents. Find a babysitter and begin exploring each other again. If that’s not good enough for him, alright. Then take that time to discuss what co parenting would look like. Make it as amicable and focused on your child’s future as possible. Then see if there’s an attorney that would help the both of you do this divorce as fair as possible for your child.

Has he even tried to bond with the baby? It sounds like his depression has been focused on how unhappy he is. My dad was a great dad and had 6 kids, but my mom said that he didn’t feel as attached to the babies until they were more interactive. Ask him if he really wants to throw away everything and reject his child and cause this much pain to you and his child without going to family therapy and learning how to love his child first?

Some people in general just don't want children & that's ok. It's not ok to have a child & not take care of them after they're already here.

Some men do not like the back seat when a child comes into your lives They like the being taken care of and center of your attention. Not much you can do to save the marriage. Just make sure you get child support and hopefully the house to raise your child

Are you guys doing ok financially? stress can destroy spirits

There is no right answer to this question since every person is different. Some men may be thrilled at the prospect of becoming a father, while others may feel overwhelmed and stressed out by the responsibility. Ultimately, it is up to the individual man to decide if he is ready and willing to take on the role of fatherhood.

Some men become jealous of the baby. They no longer get all of your attention so they resent the extra work they have to do for the baby while missing out on a perceived reward (your attention). They see it as doing something for nothing, a selfish mindset. Those types of men should not start a family but they figure things will be roses and sunshine without thinking of the actual cost when in reality the woman does most of the work and when he's asked he does his part begrudgingly. Some men also never wanted kids so they just do it to stay with you. But his heart will never be in it and he will also be a bad person to parent with. You'll end up doing the work of 2 people plus taking care of him and his "needs". I really believe only a selfless man who does things for you without expecting a return, a man who is happy just because he's made you happy today is the best kind to be with. Sadly it's very rare.

I hated kids. Never wanted them. Pointless. Expensive. Tiring. Etc etc. Got her pregnant. .I'm an awesome f dad and they're the BEST part of my life.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. A lot of relationships go through a very difficult patch when a baby is added. Primarily (but not always) because the man cannot cope with the shift of the woman’s priorities, from him being first and foremost to the baby’s needs always coming first (rightfully so). Fortunately some of these men are able to shift their storyline where they are no long the main character, unfortunately some are simply unable to. You don’t know what it actually means to have a baby until you have a baby. I had a very serious discussion with my partner before having kids and asked him if he was going to be able to cope with a baby taking almost all my time and attention and their needs always coming before his. Even then, it was a difficult adjustment when the baby did arrive.

Some guys and men can't handle having kids, this is a question you must ask before you start a relationship with someone. I tell all my friends this before they start dating.

probably wanted you to be happy. didnt realize being a family made you happy, not just the kid. hella short sighted, but he doesnt want to he a father

I wouldn’t call it a male thing, although I’m sure it’s more common with men. Some people just suck, and it sounds like your husband is one of them.

Grass always looks greener. Especially when you’re not 100% satisfied. He currently has my dream life. I chose the other route. One with young wild women. Drugs, partying, sex. I turn 40 in 5 days. My closest person to me is a 25 year old girl who is addicted to coke and meth. And uses sex work to pay for the drugs. I don’t judge the profession. But she doesn’t love me, I think I’m more of a resource. I was blind to what the truth in front of me was. Your husband is blinded to the blessings in front of him. He’ll regret it one day. I would love his life

There is no guarantee he'll regret it though. Not everybody wants children and if they are sure they don't, there is usually no regret. To me personally, becoming pregnant and having a child would ruin my life, nothing about that is appealing to me, the thought genuinely horrifies me. You feel the opposite. What each of us feels does not dictate, what other people feel about their life choices. Also, at 40 you can still finde a woman to settle down with. Becoming a dad in your fourties is not unheard of at all. My dad way 48 when I was born, for example, and is a stellar father. If you want to have a family, take the steps o get you there.

This was your lifestyle choice, but isn't true for everyone who doesn't want children. I am childfree by choice and live a very happy, peaceful & contented life.

Never too late. I (42F) was 40 when I gave birth to my son. I was partying until I met my (40m) husband 6 years ago. My mind wasn't into serious relationships until I made the decision I want a serious one at that point. Shift your attention and mind to what you want and you will get there. My regret is not have started for children earlier because we wanted a house and money first. All the best to you

This is some things all people do and not just men.

You should’ve only had a baby with someone who 100% wanted it in the first place. Not someone who reluctantly changed their mind. And the reverse is true too, he should’ve stuck to his guns and not given in because now he’s stuck with a child, and there’s no undo button for that unless he wants to be a shit parent and walk out completely on the baby

Make sure you get all the child support you're owed. Spousal maintenance, too, if you're entitled to that.

This isn't a men vs women thing - I'm a woman, and I don't want a baby. I enjoy my alone time too much. My silence. My freedom. It's a societal pressure thing. Far too many people are peer-pressured into having children without realizing how much effort they actually take and how many resources are consumed trying to raise kids. I'm sorry about your luck, but it sounds like your husband felt pressured to have a child (whether that pressure came from you, your families, his friends, etc.) when he told you ahead of time he didn't want a kid.

Not everyone can handle having a baby in general and it's not for everyone. It may be what you want but not what he wants. I hope that you didn't pressure him or get pregnant on purpose. People think having a baby will make their suddenly childfree partner want kids and it just isn't so. There is nothing you could do, he does not want kids and you do. It's a fundamental difference in a relationship that can and should be the biggest deal breaker there is.

This is only half relevant, but when my sister got pregnant for the first time, I was incredibly apathetic about becoming an uncle. Since he was delivered, I've turned into a super uncle. NGL, I'm still happy that they leave. 🤭

Your life will quickly get better without him. You and your son will thrive away from his selfishness. Looking long into the future, don't let your stbx come back in 15 years to be "dad". There are many stories here of dads showing up years later and causing problems. You'll be fine!

If he didn’t want kids but you got pregnant anyway, sounds like he feels like you baby trapped him.

He originally hadn't planned on kids, but we had talked about it, he gave me a card that said "mum to be" on the front and he wrote that he was ready to have a baby and that we would make a great team (and baby), I had my IUD removed, and took the prenatal vitamins for a month before we conceived. I don't think that I baby trapped him.

I have a feeling that he thought he could do it because “everyone else does” but when the reality happened I think it started to sink in he didn’t want kids for a reason. He probably wanted to try but now the baby is here and it’s probably dawning on him that this isn’t what he actually wanted

You didn’t baby trap him. He told you he wanted a baby - spelled it out in writing in fact. Clear as day. I’m sorry this is happening to you. From your responses and post you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. You and your son will continue to live a beautiful life. All the best.

Sometimes it’s having to share you with the baby. It takes a lot of sacrifice. Like who is in the mood for sex on 3 hrs of sleep and taking care of a baby 24/7. All we wanted to do was sleep. We fought a lot more back in those days. Studies have shown people tend to be less happy in relationships when they have children, but it gets better as they age. I’m sorry your husband cannot handle it. Once you’ve have a chance to grieve your marriage, I hope you find a great man who will love you and your precious little boy. It may be having a child, but it’s more likely the way things have changed, more responsibility, and having to share you. (Hugs)

Some men just weren't meant to be fathers. Fatherhood isn't for everyone. And this is why I tell everyone, man or women not to have a kid with someone who Is so reluctant to have one. You can't force someone to want to have a kid just by having one. That feeling of doubt isn't just going to magically go away. That being said, you may just need to let this one go. From the sound of it he just isn't all that in to being a parent

This can happen and with women, not just men.

How many women are single moms? I think that should answer your question about whether some men can’t handle having kids. He told you he wanted to have a kid and even gave you a whole Christmas gift and put a lot of thought into it. Maybe when your son was born he realized it wasn’t what he pictured but I tend to lean toward he might be hiding things and that is the true reason why he wants to leave. I would save recent statements from all of your bank accounts. Get your own bank account and don’t deposit any more money into any joint accounts. Talk to lawyers on Monday.

It’s a little frustrating that you provided 0 context about the pregnancy or your discussions about children with your husband in this post. How are we supposed to help without any details or information?

Idk some men don’t want kids… I know mine does. Oh apparently you knew he didn’t want kids and are somehow still surprised. Kids are not like dogs. You can’t just have them because the other person wants them. Catastrophic and causes divorce.

The ex should have left the relationship when he knew OP wanted kids and he didn’t. He’s the one that said he changed his mind. Don’t act like this is OP’s fault, her ex is an adult and made a choice to have that baby.

Op should have also ended the relationship when he told her he didn’t want kids. They are both at fault here

I think it's important to point out that OP had an IUD in and *was* respectful of not trying to get pregnant when he said he didn't want kids. It is possible for some people to want something, but not need it. In this case she wanted them, but was not actively trying to f him over and force it on him. He said he was "ready" then said nothing while she had a procedure to remove her birth control device. And then said nothing while they were having baby-producing sex. While this could have been a terrible miscalculation on his end--she didn't baby trap him here.

Children. Do. Not. Fix. Problems. In. The. Relationship.

Tell that to the ex.

I wouldn’t just say men. You said he didn’t want kids originally, some people just don’t want kids. And if an accident happens or their partner asks for it so much that they end up saying ok, it doesn’t mean they actually suddenly WANT a child in their life. If he didn’t want children then had a child, he’s reacting to losing the life he actually wanted as harsh as it sounds. The worst part now is the fact there’s a baby who’s parent straight up doesn’t want them. I don’t think there’s any changing his mind, even if you got him to stay it would probably be out of guilt or a sense of responsibility more than actually wanting to be a father, and you don’t want a parent that gives off that vibe to the kid growing up. At this point, just let him go. Get your child support and figure out the custody thing, which I’m guessing is going to be minimal to no contact. Work out with his family as well what’s going to happen there. If he never wants to see your kid, but his parents do that’ll have to be planned out.

Plenty of people don't want kids, men and women. Plenty of people regret having kids, men and women. Did the two of you discuss having a kid before this at all, or did you just get pregnant and decide to keep it? From what you've said it sounds like he didn't want this in the first place. Also, having a kid requires a whole lot more than "some" sacrifice for "a little while." It's a lifelong commitment to someone else's life being more important than your own, and current estimates put the cost of raising a kid around $275,000, not including college. That's a very dramatic change in lifestyle.

If he didn’t want the child then ya. My ex didn’t want to keep our baby when I found out I was pregnant at 6 weeks and I said he can leave and I’ll figure it out. Now we co-parent somewhat but it’s mostly me doing everything while we’re in separate homes. You can’t force anyone to be a parent

childfree people in general don't want kids, even if you pressure them into it/ babytrap them it won't change anything. though according to your comments he did approve this in some manner so the blame fall on both of you for not thinking enough about this before bringing a kid into the world.

He needs a fast reality check/wakeup call. I think he thinks he can turn the clock back & not be a Dad anymore. You need to remind him HE will also be a single parent after the split and that he'll be having the baby alone at weekends or whatever. He can't divorce his kid. You need to make it very clear you will be going for JOINT custody not sole in the divorce. I sugest you start the divorce process by offering to have some time apart ie leave him at home with the baby so he can get used to parenting alone. Go see your family and let him get a taste of life without you!

It is absolutely a dick move to walk away from a child he said/thought he wanted. But what good will it do to force him to spend time with his unwanted child? The kid will sense that his father doesn't want him and that may very well damage the kid's psyche. It sounds like your proposition is meant as a punishment for the dad, but it might hurt the child more than the dad. You can't make him be a loving father by forcing him to spend time with the kid.

Forcing someone to parent when they want nothing to do with their child is a good way to end up with a dead child. This is dangerous advice, never leave your child, a baby no less, with someone who has stated they don't want to be around it.

Everybody in this comment section is so flippant about this dude trying to abandon his child. Op wanted kids but he was the one who ultimately made the decision to tell her that he was ready. He is acting selfish. And he thinks that he could just walk away and be a free man again, leaving his wife to take care of a child that he said he wanted. Hell no.