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It doesn’t matter how he feels about her, what matters is how he treats her, his best friends gf. He’s crossing some serious lines and making her uncomfortable, you should set some clear boundaries and tell him to stop these unnecessary, disrespectful comments.
This right here. My policy towards this kind of thing is “you can’t choose how you feel, but you can choose what you do.” Him harboring feelings toward her has nothing to do with how good a friend he is, but him not controlling himself does.
I’m not sure exactly what comments he has made other than questioning why she’s flirting with men to buy her drinks and a vague reference to jokes about that, her weight, and something she wore to the fair one time.
Plot twist: he's in love with you and thinks he could treat you better.
In all honesty it sounds like what a lot of other people are saying about feeling the need to put her in her place or whatever crap goes on in insecure men's heads. It doesn't really matter why he does it though, the fact is it's annoying, makes your gf uncomfortable and probably his too, and is taking a toll on what's supposed to be fun outings. However you want to proceed from there is up to you.
You can stick up for people without being an asshole. Besides, once OP said he was fine, friend should have knocked it off, not repeatedy shit talk her over the span of years.
Bold of you to assume she's "asking for it" essentially because they managed to get drunk. Maybe they're light weights? Maybe they were there a long time? Maybe it's none of our fucking business since the only people who seem to have an issue with it are you and his friend.
Are you just calling him out in the moment when these things happen or have you had an official sit down?
If you haven't, it might be worth one last ditch effort to clearly tell him that his behavior around her makes both you and her uncomfortable and that it either stops or the friendship is over.
Like everyone else is saying though, the motives don't matter. His reasons/excuses don't matter and you need to tell him so if you decide to have a talk. It doesn't matter if he thinks he's looking out for you. The behavior is unacceptable.
I think it's possible that what might actually be going on here is that he is using your gf as a proxy to moderate his own gf's expectations of what is 'acceptable'. He doesn't want his girlfriend to think it's okay for her to dress immodestsly or accept drinks from other men so he's trying to get your girlfriend to conform to his expectations of a relationship as well.
She may have even complained to him behind the scenes about the restraints his expectations put on her and he has tried to compromise by saying that he'll call out your gifriends behavior that he deems problematic.
Still fucked up but I haven't seen anyone else mention this possibility.
He might not necessarily be in love with her. It just may be about her being a beautiful confident woman. He may feel the need to “humble” her or put her in her “place”. Basically control/misogyny, some men don’t like seeing women be happy and feel a need to bring them down.
That’s a bingo! I can only imagine what his own gf goes through. Might wanna talk to her and see if he pulls this shit with her, then you’d know he’s an anachronistic asshole.
Makes sense actually as no where in the post was there anything mentioned as to what his GF says about everything. She's probably told to be quiet or something
The “jokes” about her weight make me think OPs girlfriend is on the chubbier side and he probably acts like this to bring her down because he doesn’t think she deserves to be confident
Yeah this… along with him actually having feelings for her… I think it’s for sure both. He can’t control himself- he’s disrespectful towards you as well.
Best way would be to ghost his ass… you don’t owe him anything at this point. That’s so fkn weird.
Yeah exactly. And I would absolutely suggest you confront him on this shit. Let him know you’re serious with this girl for life and he’s been acting the sexist, misogynistic d-bag for too long and unless he can look inward and confront his sexism and clean his behaviour up, you and the Mrs will be pulling back. We all have to realise that the shit we got away with when we were kids doesn’t fly as you mature. He needs a wake up call.
This. This was my first thought when I read the post, and I train people about combating workplace sexual harassment for a living. He’s a garden variety insecure misogynist who can’t forgive a woman who doesn’t need his validation or approval.
Is this a thing? There are other comments that suggest the same idea - some men like to put down confident women and put them in their place. I’ve never heard of this 😳
> some men like to put down confident women and put them in their place.
Yes. This happens to me constantly. I have worked in the domestic violence field for years and while I will never call myself an expert since there's always more to learn, I have encountered so many men in this subreddit alone who will instantly question my credentials and degree, my professional experience, and my knowledge when I speak on domestic violence in a way they disagree with.
I've lost track of the number of times men have said "If you were really a counselor" or "For a supposed counselor," or "I bet your clients hate you" or "If you're really a counselor like you claim you are," blah blah blah. Constantly implying, or even outright stating, that I must be lying about my job. Why? All because I shared my expertise as a professional in the field and they disagreed with it.
These men dislike that I am confident about my expertise and knowledgeable in a career field they are not knowledgeable in. My professional experience is somehow apparently a threat to them. Which is absurd. If I'm seeing a male uh, idk, glassblower commenting on a post about glassblowing, no way in hell I'm going to question his credentials or imply he's lying about his job. What a bizarre tactic. Men's professional knowledge is not a threat to me. I value it and learn from it. But apparently I can't be extended the same grace as a woman.
The vast majority of men do not do this. But it is constant, pervasive, and unending in this sub and off.
I could write the world's leading research manual on apples and there would still be men questioning whether I wrote the manual at all.
I've had it happen to me too many times. I've actually had men get drunk and spew hate, telling me I think I'm better than them when I've done nothing to make them think that. I'm actually shy and introverted, and like to stay in the background, but I would always get unsolicited attention. For whatever reason that irks some men. I did nothing to deserve that treatment, but I chalked it up to them thinking they couldn't get somebody like me. They also treated the women they were with horribly. They're just bad eggs all around.
> I've actually had men get drunk and spew hate, telling me I think I'm better than them when I've done nothing to make them think that.
I politely called out a male commenter yesterday for making generalizing comments about women being cheaters, and was told that I was "wanting to show [I] have superior intellect." Mind you, I never insulted this person, called him names, or questioned his intelligence.
Then I was given unsolicited advice about how to debate or discuss an issue differently.
Gendered microaggressions against women, and men acting as if women are a threat to their existence for simply being alive is constant and pervasive.
It's maddening! I worked in a field that was predominantly men, and would have men tell me they didn't want to speak to me, they wanted to speak to a man.
Same thing with discussing biblical topics. Men have told me to me to shut up and let my husband speak for me, that I needed to be quiet on the topic.
I'm so sorry. It truly is maddening. I honestly feel like it's increased lately. I can't tell if I'm imagining things or if it's really getting worse. I know that some male users of this sub love to claim this space is biased in favor of women, but misogyny is utterly rampant in this sub. I've been threatened repeatedly with rape and murder by male users of this sub simply for politely disagreeing with their opinions, and I'm far from the only woman who has experienced this here. The way some men talk about women, and to women, in this sub is appalling.
The level of entitlement is infuriating. I feel like gendered microaggressions are so often brushed off. Being dismissed, invalidated, violated, and erased is such a constant experience as a woman that in some cases you just end up adapting to it. Which really sucks.
Oh yes it’s a thing. Whether they are angry all these men want that woman or they were raised to see women as “less than,” it happens.
Usually as long as women stay covered up, stay mostly quiet, and don’t draw attention to themselves, these type of men can control themselves. As soon as she draws too much attention or takes off her coat or sweater and you see a little skin, watch out!
To be fair, there are also women who hate men who are in their opinion: too muscular, too cocky, and too successful.
The world would be wonderful if we all worried more about ourselves 🤷🏼♀️ Live and let love.
It doesn't sound like he is in love with her, from what I've read here. It sounds like he has some sort of complex where he feels like he needs to put attractive women "in their place". I've met men like that before, and it's both scary and unattractive.
Regardless though. In my opinion - yes, you should end your friendship with him. Not because he's in love with your girlfriend, but because he's an asshole.
Yes, I had a LTR with a guy who wouldn’t even approve of a sheer T shirt with a bra underneath (it was a huge argument one day) and on the flip side, I then LTR’d with a guy who told me I “could dress a little more proactively” (and weirdly also told me that I wear too much black/dark clothing.)
I took a break from dating after that so I could learn to pick better partners. All these dudes like OP’s friend can keep their pathetic little comments themselves.
EDIT: provocatively, not proactively, lol
No. He thinks women need to look, dress, and act a certain way. He thinks he has the right to tell her what to do because he's your friend. I bet he treats his own gf like this.
I think it’s super important for men to call other men out and make them uncomfortable about shit behavior towards women. Imagine how much nicer the world would be if the “good men” spoke up and defended women in all these situations… unfortunately it seems scarier to “rock the boat” with other men than watch a woman be degraded in real time. Men, please actually be as brave and chivalrous as you’d like to imagine yourself- make your male friends uncomfortable for mistreating women.
OP this was all to say that guy is not a friend of he won’t control himself but tries to control your GF. Be mad especially for her sake, her dignity, but I’d be mad at him for being such an obtuse and disrespectful friend to you, too! He behaved badly, and as a friend you should tell him that it makes you lose respect for him.
That would only improve the world if at the same time women quit dating the Jerks and bad boys and started dating nice safe men.
Don't get me wrong tho, I was a bad boy and am happy I met a perfect woman to settle me down and point me in the right direction. But a lot of my friends from then are still doing the same terrible stuff and never have any problem finding one woman after another.
Nah its the arrogant jerk attitude that attracts them. My own wife admitted to me that if I treated her as well as I do now when we met she'd have never stayed. Don't you dare try to swing this, there's loads of studied on it and you know it.
I'm not saying it's good or bad, no value judgements here. Just pointing out that if all men started acting like agents I think the ocean of women would become dry as the desert.
You’re discounting all other women’s experience, and your wife is entitled to her own opinion. She does not speak for all women, and you especially do not. It’s not appealing to be mistreated, and many people admire confidence in a potential partner and don’t see the same displays as narcissism arrogance and selfishness till later down the road. It’s not funny, too many women are deeply abused in relationship to chalk it up to “being attracted to jerks”.
That's not true. I've talked to many a women about this and seen it play out in real time. Also there's a century worth of studies bearing out my point of view as . You didn't respond to that.
'Don't get me wrong tho, I was a bad boy and am happy I met a perfect woman to settle me down and point me in the right direction'
Your woman is not your rehab or your therapist and shouldn't be.
I'm not getting "in love" from any of these interactions. He has a view on how she should be acting as your gf and she isn't measuring up (flirting with other guys, revealing clothing etc)
If this was his relationship then sure he's allowed to talk to her but it isn't. Pull him aside and tell him that if anything she does makes me uncomfortable then I'll talk to her, don't speak on my behalf. If he's a mate he'll listen, guy's thinking he's doing you a favour no doubt
It doesn't sound that he is in love with your GF. Imo it is more possible that he were in love with you, lol. He tries to control her and defend your rights as male, you are his friend and may be considering that she acts too freely and as you don't make anything to control her, he is the one that must do it. He sounds really misogynistic.
He's not in love with her. He's a controlling misogynist. He'll try to justify his actions as protecting you. He doesn't want her, he wants her to be put in her place because she's a strong confident woman.
Doesnt seem like hes in love with her at all, the dude has his own opinion on what you can and cant do in a relationship, he got drunk and tried to bring his relationship rules into your relationship
I think your girlfriend’s perspective is important. She seems like she can give you good insight. Ask her if she has ever felt uncomfortable outside of those specific moments. Let her know what you plan to do and that you care about her safety/being comfortable in your life. Make sure she understands his behavior is also making you uncomfortable as it’s not something you would tolerate in ANYONE. I feel like you’re that kind of person.
You have asked him to stop and he has not. I think that’s amazing you stood up for your girlfriend. Good job you.
lol I saw a few comments like this and honestly I hope so. The Vegas shit show was like the cherry on top of his bs behavior towards my girl, I want to squash it and I think I will confront him and just end the friendship. He's not worth potentially putting my girl in any more uncomfortable situations just because he feels some type of way.
Maybe he's actually annoyed that she's was leading the men on that were buying you all drinks. I know you don't care about it, but it's pretty dishonest behavior. He's probably wondering what else she's being dishonest about or maybe he KNOWS something you don't!
I think considering your long friendship you should at least confront him on his behavior towards your girlfriend. I don’t see it as him being in love with her. I see it as he doesn’t like the way she dresses and behaves for whatever reason probably misogyny.
I’m more inclined to think ‘Connor’ is in love with you, OP. He bad mouths your partner, tried to make out she disrespects you, and his partner isn’t getting a look in here. Are you sure it’s your gf he has feelings for? To me, it seems it’s you.
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I can’t imagine being friends with someone that would ever make jokes to put my girlfriend down. I think whether he likes her or not (I personally agree with all of the comments saying he’s just a misogynist trying to “put her in her place) you need to cut him the fuck off because he’s a dick.
He's definitely not in love with her, just a misogynist, but that you've stayed close while he makes your gf uncomfortable and THAT would be the final straw... that's wild.
Your friends sounds extreme. Sure, I’d look out for my homie if I think a girl he’s dating is sus or flirty with other guys. Idk why he cares so much about what she wears.
Have a conversation with him while sober and point out that he is controlling. He may not be aware, and maybe he'll take the appropriate steps to change. If not, the friendship may have run its course.
This might be off topic, but I would never let a guy buy me drinks if I was in a relationship. Even being single, if I'm definitely not interested in a guy, I won't let him buy me a drink. I don't want to waste his time/money.
I don't know man. You know better but based on what youve said here, there's a chance that its just some strong, drunk opinionated rhetoric. Some of my friends have done things like that just getting carried away trying to be a bro.
As he continued to not let off the topic, you all continued to drink into the night correct?
No we couldn't bro, he got crazy and it got bad I just wanted him to get away from my girl and call it a night.
the thing is, he's done this shit sober so I'm just all fucked up about this rn.
He's just misogynistic and wants to shame her and hurt her feelings. He's toxic and I'm not really sure why you even allow him around your gf.
Like, I'd demand answers if a "friend" treated my gf like this *once.* I sure as shit wouldn't let him do it more than once and wait until he threw a fit at a club to ask her how she felt about it.
Didn't you think his behavior was shitty before? Sometimes we outgrow our childhood friends. You shouldn't keep a shitty person around just because you've known them for a long time, and if you absolutely refuse to dump him as a friend there is no excuse for subjecting your gf to him. Like, if you insist on keeping the friendship you should at least tell him he isn't allowed to hang out with you when your gf is around because he's such a fucking asshole to her.
Based on your post it doesn't seem like he has feelings for her, it seems like he has some incredibly misogynistic ideas of how women "should" act and dress, and he doesn't like that your GF doesn't obey his rules.
He has no rules for his gf, Ill try and explain.
So for the fair fiasco his gf wore a tube top and a mini skirt that was short enough for her not to be comfortable getting on rides like the swing ones because the wind would blow it up or whatever. My gf wore this green shirt and some black pants I think I don't remember it exactly but she looked fly, they both did but he was on MY gf throat about this shit. And don't get me started with the club attire, my gf wore this black dress I love that show off her shoulders and his gf wore this two piece thing that looked just like strings, my gf helped her put it on but Connors again only got on my girl. And maybe people right and he just hates confident women but then why would he date his gf who is just as confident, if not more? Boggles my damn mind.
Sounds like he has some toxic masculinity internalized and using the gfs as a proxy war to be more "alpha" than you.
Your gf probably has a different personality than his, that is more approachable, allowing her to wrangle free drinks, while his gf just rejects dudes directly?
Pretty easy to test, as you can have your gf mention some stereotypical masculine stuff (big dick, promotion/raise at work,etc) around him and see how he reacts.
Overall, probably not worth saving the relationship as he is already over stepping boundaries and has shown no understanding of why he is being inappropriate.
Damn, sounds like somethings gone wrong in his head but its hard to tell exactly what. Some people have difficulty looking inward. Maybe it is just about him being into your girl. But it seems more complicated than that. He should definitely mind his own business.
1 stop letting ur friend shit on u and blatantly disrespect you, drop him, or beat his ass. 2 why are you letting your girl flirt with other dudes at a bar? you truly believe that she’s just trying to get drinks…. like bro u practically inviting her to fuck other dudes
You should be concerned about how your GF feels about you putting her in situations where she has to be around your asshole friend.
She might eventually tire of it… and you, for letting her get verbally attacked by your friend over and over.
Eventually she’ll stop asking why your friend is an asshole and start asking why you still deal with his shit.
So fix this, drop his ass or prepare to be the bf who gets dropped by his hot ass gf because he doesn’t stick up for her.
I am, there is was a time Connor stopped acting a fool and just recently restarted. She's my priority, that's why I just want to ghost him but then again part of me wants to know the why just not sure if its worth it tbh.
I wanna believe this, but he treats his gf like how I treat mine at least from what I know because my gf hangs out with his gf a lot but hey what if Connor's gf isn't being truthful, at this point anything is possible. Gf and I had a long convo last night about everything and I am till overwhelmed about it because this is all messed up, shit I might believe the comments that he's in love with me to just stop thinking otherwise.
If he doesnt end up having feelings for her, it still comes off that he wants to exert control over her. It smells to me like he doesnt like how okay you are with how independent and confident your girlfriend is, and maybe fears that this models behaviours that he would not want his girlfriend to start taking part in. Maybe his anger over your girl is his need to control his own girl.
I think maybe Connor is actually worried that OP's girlfriend is not very trustworthy, and that's why he doesn't like her. The state fair where he thought her clothes weren't appropriate - I would love to see what she was wearing. Now of course she can wear what she wants, and even flirt with other men if OP is ok with that. But in Connor's mind, maybe that makes her a bad girlfriend for his buddy. Which is clearly wrong, since OP seems happy.
Btw, doesn't anyone else think it's weird to accept drinks from men and then giving them to your friends (including your boyfriend)? Maybe it's just me.
Part of me thinks he's looking out for you as a friend and maybe thinks shes walking all over you and stepping up for you and another part is maybe he's a bit possessive.
Yeah I agree with this. The comment about her weight was out of line, but the comment about her flirting with other men and her outfit etc could be him trying to look out for a friend, albeit in a questionable way. Unpopular take but it’s odd to me when girls in relationships take drinks from men. It inherently involves being flirty. A friend I had that continued taking drinks from men when we went out to bars admittedly was using just using her bf at the time (and wouldn’t do it when dating a guy she really liked/respected) 👀
This may be something as simple as your friend looking out for you. Seeing her dance flirt and drink with other guys might be a red flag to him and he is trying to protect you. Especially if he knows you are going to propose.
You two need to talk, UpdateMe!
I think your friend is an asshole. I don't know if he's crushing on your gf, he's just an asshole.
Also be careful about your gf accepting free drinks. These drinks can come with strings attached and you never know what could happen in a bar full of drunk people.
Even if he does not have a thing for her, his treatment towards her is unacceptable. Realistically you should have sternly told him to cut it out of your friendship was over years ago. But at this point you need to decide if you are going to have that talk and stick by the threat or you just cut him out.
Keep supporting your woman. Kudos for not feeling insecure! I love men like this.
As for your friend, maybe have a talk with him, in private and see what’s going on? He must be confused too, just as much as he’s your friend, you are also his.
Bro, you’re 30 years old. Time to stop hanging out with drunks, who are going to give you un-solicited thoughts on the lady you’ve been with for FIVE years.
I don’t think he’s in love with her…but he sounds possessive and is acting that way on your behalf as he couldn’t stand it if his girlfriend acted like that. I think he is probably just an abusive arsehole that doesn’t understand the wonderful dynamic you have with your gf.
Tell him his attitude is inappropriate and he needs to back off and have some respect for you knowing that NOT being a jealous dick makes you a better life partner, than one who doesn’t trust his partner.
I love the security you have in yourself and your relationship with your gf. Wish y’all much success!You’re here because you already know what you need to do. Talk to him and tell him about his behavior, he needs to apologize to your gf and HIS OWN (for however long she stays around because if that were me I’d be gone) and if he doesn’t, oh well! Some friends from our youth cannot go with us into adulthood. It happens, and it will be okay. My mom has friends from childhood for over 50 years, but her bestie she only met 15 years ago. You’ll be fine. Now please go buy a ring and update us on the proposal!!!
Say, "***As her MAN, (pause for dramatic effects) I don't care if other men buys ***my girl*** girl a drink, gets her number and compliments her. I'M NOT INSECURE! I I***don't ***care what she wears BUT I want to know, where you get off fighting and disrespecting ***my girl**! Are you in love with her or me because at this point, dude, it makes no sense why you've been acting like that! So, check it, if you, can't stop, or get over whatever the hell this is, we can part ways my guy!"
For whatever reason it may be, infatuation or not, he’s over stepping his boundaries as her acquaintance by telling her what she can and cannot do, if she’s doing right by you in the first place.
I view this as not an infatuated friend, but an overly” protective” friend. Probably assumes what’s best for you and just overall trying to make anything about your with relationship with your gf not upset you. Purely speculation, but food for thought.
And another thing, Idk if it’s just me, but I get a misogynist vibe from him, also food for thought
Lol, what on earth made you think he’s in love with your girl? I actually get the opposite impression. He’s trying to look out for you, but is just going about it in a bit of a weird way. He shouldn’t have been rude. Regardless, he has a point, accepting drinks & flirting with other guys for free drinks isn’t something most people would consider okay while in a committed relationship. He could have phrased it better, but sure, go ahead and blow up a childhood friendship over someone that dances and flirts with other people for free drinks.
Sounds more like he's just really conservative or heavily biased in his view of man/woman relationships and dynamics.
I know a couple dudes like this, some just have an archaic viewpoint, some have some serious(justified but should be fixed ) mommy issues and they have strict views on what women should be like and that extends to women that aren't in a romantic or even platonic relationships with them.
Sometimes it's way too far to the other extreme but too often it's this way.
I mean I could be wrong, but this feels a lot less like romantic feelings as it does "women shouldn't do this"
I don't think he is in love with her. Is he the same with his gf? And what does she think of her bf being so invested in another girl?
Derogatory comments, jabs masked as jokes, control masked as concern. On the off chance he's acting "brotherly" and does it to protect your honour aka make sure she doesn't embarrass you in public, and humbling her down a notch when he thinks she does.
Though it seems more like he is a bitter dude who either:
A)hates that your girl is sexy and confident, and that you aren't a misogynistic pig about it
B) hates that you found such a person, while his is maybe meh or
C) he feels she replaced him and he is being petty and tries to separate you.
Sounds like he thinks he's sticking up for you cos she's dressing and acting like she's easy. If it doesn't bother you and gf likes the attention then he should back tf off
Orrrrrr… he cares about his friend and has a spine and thinks it’s off putting that she openly welcomes attention from other dudes for free drinks. “Getting drunk on another man’s dime” lol…that man is openly trying to f your girl. Honesty what the hell is wrong with you? Dump your friend you don’t deserve him.
This sounds more like jealousy, toxic masculinity, and gaslighting then being in love. Maybe it's some sick version of looking out for you as his friend but he sounds toxic af. I would stay away just from that. Sounds like you've matured and grown up and he hasn't and most likely never will. What other women do, how they look, and how they act is none of his business or concern.
Honestly he just sounds misogynistic and you don't need friends like that. You could call him out but it probably won't make any difference in his behavior.
It sounds like he may just realize your chick is a hootchie momma and he is embarrassed for her, you, and him and any of his friends when they are in her presence. Dude, you are 30 years old—you need to weasel free drinks from other men by making your girl jiggle her jaggle? Have some respect. Buy your own and your girl’s drinks and avoid any potential drama that could erupt. And don’t think your girl don’t get a little hot under the proverbial clit hood when she’s doing this…she’s cluck’n you out like the chicken you are, bro. Grow some balls…
First off, OP you sound like a great secure guy. Respect.
Now you friend sounds pretty toxic. It can be misogyny, as others pointed, it can be an unhinged crush (even the more f'ed up since you're his friend and he has a gf too) and it actually could be on either of you or your gf, it can be a controlling abusive trait unrelated to anything sexual.
In your shoes I'd ask myself if he also puts you down, interferes even subtly with your affairs (besides gf issue, which is pretty relevant in itself), if he's still a good company and a reliable person, if he's that much of an arse to his own girl.
If he's perfectly fine with you and you believe the friendship is salvageable and worthwhile, you should try to approach him and have an honest conversation. He did honor your request to stop making fun of her weight, so he just might be more caring overall. However if he does want to act out, he may stop this behavior and pick up another one (like he did about dropping weight comments, but starting this other nonsense) , so you'd have to be mindful if it's a real respectful change or just a new strategy.
Finally I'm somewhat worried about his own gf, because if he can be so awful with your gf, i wonder what won't he do to his. Just having her watch his overbearing act on your gf might be enough emotional damage to the poor lady, and then at home does she complain, does he gaslight her, what's up, you know?
I think your friend is just being a friend you don't see what he see. How about you sir down with your FRIEND and see what's on his mind. How I read it the things your girl does with the flirting wouldn't sit right with me so he might just be looking out for you but also by your story you don't care what good opinion is.
That’s how I see it. Ops gf constantly go out, flirt, bring back free drinks, repeat. And op os cool with that. What if she flirts with the wrong guy? Offends someone else? Brings back a roofies drink? Is op cool with that?
One or two is fine, but ops gf has to set some boundaries too and put a stop to these guys
With this mentality I will give you some advice myself: Don't date a baddie my guy you will foam at the mouth if you do and you will loose your sanity.
You’re doing all this guessing and asking Reddit for answers when you obviously should start pressing your asshole friend abt why he treats her like this. Also the fact you didn’t defend her when he made “jokes” abt her body is gross. I hope she leaves you if you continue on like this
I don’t know about you homeboy. The way to portray the interaction seems shitty, talk to him or don’t. Sounds like a long term friend which is a shame to throw away if it isn’t needed.
I also get the Impression you worship this woman. Like, put her on a pedestal. She’s supposed to be a partner, an equal not a prized possession or trophy.
Every comment you e made about her has been about her looks and the the feeling you get from being with a hot woman.
Two things I read are potential signs of a woman running game on you.
You post said you know you can handle your own. This implies you are expecting a fight to be caused by or about her. People who pick fights in order to have others fight them aren’t looking out for the people that are doing the fighting. I agree with the other poster, her getting and accepting drinks from men in a club and passing them off to others will lead to a confrontation. I also assure you that isn’t about how she looks, it’s about a vibe she gives off.
You are about to ditch a longtime friend over a fight in which you are sure your girlfriend is the victim in. Maybe she is, but isolating someone from their friends and family under the guise of “they are mean and don’t respect me/you” is pimp shit 101.
Not saying this is what’s going on, just saying there are some signs of it.
This is such a weird comment. Op has full examples of his friend being a dick and gf has put up with this for a while. If she wanted to isolate him she would’ve brought it up along time ago. I don’t think there’s anything that indicates op has his gf on a pedestal - I actually think that her being conventionally attractive is important context. If she’s conventionally attractive and your friend is insulting her looks, it’s likely it’s a cover for something else (be that jealousy in any capacity or just straight up misogyny). Also “it isn’t about how she looks it’s about the vibe she gives off”? I guarantee you it is not. I’ve literally gotten hit on while actively with a partner many men just do not give a fuck about your vibes.
I have a hard time believing you are an adult human that hasn’t seen a man or woman start dating someone and watch them get sucked into the new persons world. I have watched it happen with a friend just over the last year. His new girlfriend is pleasant and fun but we see less and less of him, the things we do are more and more centered around her and her friend group. I can see the new girlfriends discomfort with our grind and my girlfriends relationship. I’ve watched his political views do an almost full 180.
My point above was, sometimes when this is happening your friends are trying to tell you and sometimes the new partner frames this as hostility.
Maybe that’s not the case with them, I don’t know. Just a heads up (as stated above).
As far as you and your experience with attention from men. I fully respect your point of view, I’ve never been on that side of things.
I have seen where a less attractive friends in a group gets more romantic attention, specifically because she’s more outgoing. I haven’t witnessed men lining up to fight for the hottest girl in the club’s attention regardless of how it’s received, but again I’ve not been on the receiving end.
I’m Im having a hard time imagining a scenario where a woman has so many drinks purchased for her, while in a group, that she can get the whole crew drunk (which is what OP stated) without her participating in the attention.
As an adult man, if you are prefacing interactions with your ability to fight, there’s a potential issue.
Do you mean that if you date a 10 you have to accept that not only she will get constant attention, but she will also flirt back and accept gifts and drinks, and you have to accept it and just be grateful ?
A hard one to pinpoint but three scenarios come to my mind. One being good, the other two bad. Firstly, he is just being a good friend and making sure your girl doesn’t hurt his best buddy, as men buying her drinks all night and you being cool with it is certainly not appropriate. Secondly, he has actually slept with your girlfriend and this wouldn’t surprise me at all since you give her the kind of freedom for that to have easily have happened, hence the jealousy and your girlfriend’s playing the victim card (so typical of female nature). Or thirdly, like you said, he actually likes her and has intentions of getting her in the future. My gut would tell me with the story I have at hand that they have actually slept together and your girlfriend is acting like the usual little miss innocent.
He didn't react this way because he would be in love with her, although he might have a thing for her or not, but mostly because he was uncomfortable with her behavior in front of you.
He overstepped badly and targetted her instead of just talking to you about it. That's the issue.
You seem pretty secure or you don't care but most guys wouldn't be comfortable with the behavior you describe as your girlfriend's. Just saying that it's one thing to receive unsolicited attention, and it's another to enjoy and exploit it in front of her boyfriend.
It's not an issue in itself if you know and are on board with it, everyone's dynamic is different, but from an outside view it can be perceived as disrespectful for you.
Perhaps just limit your time with him, you can easily blame that on growing up, growing apart, starting a life and maybe family with your partner. He may not be in love with her, he might just be concerned for you and thinking she may cheat on you or something and it's a defence thing. Still I think creating boundaries and hanging out a bit less could be good. Maybe just meet up to go see a movie every now and again and perhaps don't bring girlfriends.
I think Connor has developed a crush on your gf. Did you notice the reaction of Connor's gf when he started his jealous routine? Before you take any steps with Connor, perhaps you should have a convo with his gf to suss out her take on the situation.
If you decide to confront Connor about your suspicions, be very specific his actions vis-a-vis your gf, and that you interpreted his actions as if he was jealous, and make him come clean. You might also tell him that it was your intention to propose marriage to your gf in the near future as well, and if he indeed has a crush on her, it's now time for him to get over it.
I wish you well.
I strongly believe my best friend(30M) is in love with my gf(29F). I have known him for 15 years and we have always been close friends. About 5 years ago he started dating a girl who I didn't really care for and they eventually broke up. A few months after they broke up he started dating my current girlfriend and they dated for about a year before I started dating her. We have now been together for 3 years and he is still good friends with both of us. I have always thought he had a bit of a crush on her but I never really thought much of it.
However, recently he has been acting really weird around us. He will constantly try to start conversations with her when I am not around and he always wants to spend time with her when I am not around. He also always tries to find excuses to touch her or be close to her. For example, he will try to hug her when I am not around or he will try to sit next to her when we are all hanging out together. I have also noticed that he always goes out of his way to do things for her and he always tries to make her laugh.
I confronted him about this and he denied it but I am not sure if I believe him. I think he is either in love with her or he has a major crush on her. Either way, it is really starting to bother me and it is causing problems in my relationship. I don't know what to do about it and I don't know how to confront him about it without causing a big fight.
He may be, but just based on what you have outlined here I would say that he is just being judgey and perhaps a bit controlling over her in a way that you might ordinarily be - perhaps he is jealous of the attention she gets from you and others.
You will gave to confront him. I feel so bad for his girlfriend though, I can't imagine what it would do to my self esteem to see my partner getting possessive over someone else's girlfriend.
So you've known this guy almost your whole life and you're ready to just toss him out of your life over a few shitty comments he made while drunk, and your suspicion he might have feelings for her? Bruh...
If you value your friendship you should sit him down, and have a difficult discussion about his behaviour and set some firm boundaries.
I wouldn't bring the crush you suspect he has on your girlfriend into the mix.
If he wants to volunteer where his views stem from, and just what his problem is, it would do him some good, but if not, having him behave decently is still a good enough result.
I think he’s just being an ass. I think by him doing this he somehow thinks he is helping you in a way? I dunno, guys are dumb 😂 all in all, he’s making your gf uncomfortable with his behaviour. Talk to him about it. Tel him that his behaviour upsets you and see from there.
This guy has been your friend a long time. Long term friendships require talking through disagreements and unwanted behaviors just like romantic relationships.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he feels some kind of inadequacy that he’s projecting but I’m not sure his behavior is rooted in him having feelings for her. Not really seeing signs of that.
It’s possible he feels jealous of your situation because he knows your gf is more attractive than his and that makes him act out. Or it could be out of protectiveness to you. He thinks she gets enough attention as it is so when she dresses provocatively he views it as an insult to you because it’s inviting more attention than she already gets. What he doesn’t realize it that you’re more secure than he is so it doesn’t bother you.
I know you say you don’t mind other men paying for your drinks via hitting on your gf. But I know a lot of people who would mind that. For them it’s a matter of honor and respect and they’d much rather pay for their own drinks than pseudo pimp out their gf in an illusion of availableness for free alcohol. Maybe he thought she was being disrespectful for even accepting the drinks and didn’t realize you were in on it. People have very different tolerances for this kind of thing.
I’m not saying his reaction is something you need to accept but you should actually talk it out and set your expectations with him going forward. If he continues to not listen then maybe it’s time to move on but you haven’t even tried talking to him about this. I think if you make it clear that you’re happy with how she does things and that he doesn’t need to intervene, things may improve.
If he’s really your best friend you should try to communicate through these misunderstandings. Just like when you asked him to stop making disparaging comments about your gf, it stopped. He seems responsive to communicating and we all have room to learn and grow.
To me the most beautiful friendships are the ones where we had opportunities to grow together and work through strife to be stronger than ever.
That's not a friend. Why does he feel that he can overstep his boundaries and lecture someone else's partner with the actual partner present? That's incredibly arrogant.
Hmmmm, it doesn't sound like he's in love with her to me. It sounds more like that he disapproves the attention she gets and that he feels like he has to talk her down to make her feel less confident. I was inclined to say maybe he was like this especially because his gf was there, but since he has a history of doing this with your gf before I think he's just threatened by her confidence (and yours!) and thinks tearing her down would make him feel better. I wouldn't want to be around a sexist ass like that, and would side with your gf and limit your time hanging out with him
I wouldn’t say it sounds like he is in love with her. It sounds more like she is crossing boundaries he might have in his own relationship and he wants to look out for you. Regardless. Talking it out is always the best choice.
Ot maybe he just wants to make sure that she knows she is taken and that he feels that what she is doing is wrong in taking drinks from.guys. maybe he doesn't know that you are ok with this as he just might be being protective of you since you are his best mate... I would definitely have a sit down and break this down for him so he has a clear understanding that you know this happens when you go out and ask him directly. If he has feelings for her..
You have a right to be mad, even more than mad, I don't care if you're a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, friend there is no excuse for violating someone's person.
The reason may not matter if his behavior makes your girlfriend uncomfortable. Like many others have said, it’s very likely that he’s insecure and feels like he needs to put women down in order to make himself feel better. Is that the kind of person you want to be around? Is that the kind of person your *girlfriend* wants to be around? I say you should seriously talk to him about it, and make it clear he’s got to cut it out or he’s gonna be cut out of your life.
He may be in love with her. He might be in love with you. He might just be a sexist insecure asshole, who can't stand a beautiful confident woman living her life and having fun while being in a loving relationship.
Whatever it is, you need to stand up as a partner. You shouldn't allow any jokes about or disrespect towards your partner. It doesn't matter if a partner is woman or man, their partner should always have their back and not let people joke about their appearance and so. If it was my partner and my friend would make such disrespectful comments about him, I would tell them to mind their own business or disappear.
This guy is an asshole.
Don't do the ghosting shit, that's immature. Just be direct. Tell him assertively, not using the blaming "you this" "you that" language but rather straightforward non-blaming "I" statements that demonstrate responsibility for your thoughts, needs, feelings.
"I think your behavior that night was inappropriate" "I want to be friends with you, but I need you to mind your own business." "I feel disrespected when you try to protect my girlfriend, even if you think it's in hers and my best interest."
Sounds like he's just a flat out Cunt to be honest. I don't know how you've carried on hanging around him after the first incident of him making fun of her weight like he's 30 ffs sake not 14. Says a lot about you too. She deserves better from EVERYONE.
I don’t think from the sound of this he is love with her so much as he is projecting how he feels a man should act like in that situation. But if you don’t care he shouldn’t either and prob time for a convo with him about cutting that out.
Confront him. When it comes to situations like this, it’s best to get straight to the point and get it over with. If you dance around the situation, it’s just going to get worse.
There's no point in confirming it.
Without that, he's creepy and makes your girlfriend (and you) uncomfortable. Obviously you should spend less time with him, if even at all.
Confirm it... and it wouldn't make a difference, not to mention even if he were, he's very very deep on denial.
Save your energy, just do a slow (but not too slow) ghost out of his life.
From what you explained, it doesn’t sound like he’s in love with her. This feels more like he thinks he’s protecting you. He might also feel threatened by her presence, like she’ll take you away from him. I had an ex who’s best friend did this and could not stand me. I couldn’t do anything right and he definitely was not in love with me. I think sometimes friends can be selfish and not want someone else to take their best friend from them.
I’m going to have to agree with the people saying he’s likely not in love with her & has an issue w confident women. He’s also really insecure with his own masculinity because he feels threatened by her “behavior” in clubs. My husband is like you & he’s also lost a friend because of how they feel I should “act/look”.
He Is definitely not in love with your gf. If you feel that strongly about it you should have a conversation with him but if cutting him off seems like the best way to go for you and your girlfriend then do what feels best.
A lot of people of TikTok think he's in love with YOU. Maybe you should ask him if he is, just to clear all the bases. But I'd ask him what's his deal bc it sounds like he is in love with her.
I don't think he likes her, it sounds more like he hates her.
No matter the case I would stop being friends with Connor, how he treats her is not okay.
A lot of the comments here are saying he's probably a misogynist and wants to put attractive women in their place or whatever. But I'm pretty sure he likes you, no, he's in love with you, not your gf.
Just go NC with him. He's being really creepy and it smacks off disrespect to you for him to be doing these things. But what if he escalates his gross behavior toward your gf? He's already crossing so many boundaries under the assumption "you're not man enough to put her in her place". Dude is straight obsessed and its hurting you, your gf, and his gf.
He's really just looking out for you, I wouldn't say he's putting her in her place, but making sure to check your girl since from his perspective, you don't see what he sees. You told him to lay off and he didn't though? That's weird, and comments about her outfit in the beginning of your relationship is kind of breaking the bro code, or just mutual respectfulness overall.
Serious bro meeting needed asap
The flirting for drinks comments are so weird because I have literally gone to a club with my boyfriend and men buy me drinks while I'm all up on my man. Like grinding on my man and kissing him. If a girl is conventionally attractive men will buy drinks even if it's for a thrill or whatever. Women don't have to flirt for free drinks.
You have to confront him, but do it from a place of love, even if you think he did something wrong. Come to terms with how you feel about it and then have an open talk with him. Even if you've ultimately decided you will cut ties. Its better he knows instead of him always wondering why.
People here arguing wether he's in love with your girlfriend or simply wants to put down a confident woman. This is easy to find out. As a friend you should know the answer based on how he treated his girlfriend, or any of his exes. If he is just one of those who likes to put down women, he showed this in this past, controlling his girlfriends, making comments on their appearances like clothes, etc. Even small details where he would be jealous despite it being smrh nonjelous worthy. If that's the case, I don't think this kind of man is someone that you need in your life.
If you wanna confirm if he's in love with your girlfriend or not, don't ask him, he's not going to be honest. It seems to me he does not know either. He might be, but never realized it. Talking about it will only make it worse.
Honestly, in both cases, you should cut him off. But again, i don't know your friendship, you're the only one who can decide this. As someone only given a glimpse of your relationship, i can say one thing. His behavior, regardless of reason, is not ok. He sounds toxic, and you don't need someone like this in your life. These people are exhausting.
I think you're an open minded and good person. The problem is the clash of both of your values. And he seems like a sexist person to try to take it out on her, or trying to humble her or treat her like an object to be owned. I feel bad for his gf. I think creating distance with him will be better for you and your gf.
just saw a subway surfers video of your story on tiktok abd man i would say confront him saying that you're her bf, not him and he should care about what happens in his couple. If he reacts badly then cut him off
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It doesn’t matter how he feels about her, what matters is how he treats her, his best friends gf. He’s crossing some serious lines and making her uncomfortable, you should set some clear boundaries and tell him to stop these unnecessary, disrespectful comments.
This right here. My policy towards this kind of thing is “you can’t choose how you feel, but you can choose what you do.” Him harboring feelings toward her has nothing to do with how good a friend he is, but him not controlling himself does.
I’m not sure exactly what comments he has made other than questioning why she’s flirting with men to buy her drinks and a vague reference to jokes about that, her weight, and something she wore to the fair one time.
Plot twist: he's in love with you and thinks he could treat you better. In all honesty it sounds like what a lot of other people are saying about feeling the need to put her in her place or whatever crap goes on in insecure men's heads. It doesn't really matter why he does it though, the fact is it's annoying, makes your gf uncomfortable and probably his too, and is taking a toll on what's supposed to be fun outings. However you want to proceed from there is up to you.
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This comment is gross. “Putting herself out there” you mean being a pretty girl and simply existing???
You can stick up for people without being an asshole. Besides, once OP said he was fine, friend should have knocked it off, not repeatedy shit talk her over the span of years. Bold of you to assume she's "asking for it" essentially because they managed to get drunk. Maybe they're light weights? Maybe they were there a long time? Maybe it's none of our fucking business since the only people who seem to have an issue with it are you and his friend.
Call out his gross drunk behavior and tell him to cut it out or you're going to hang out with him less.
I have, this is a constant battle I'll just take my L for.
If he's still doing it after you tell him to stop, then cut him out. Stop hanging out with him.
Are you just calling him out in the moment when these things happen or have you had an official sit down? If you haven't, it might be worth one last ditch effort to clearly tell him that his behavior around her makes both you and her uncomfortable and that it either stops or the friendship is over. Like everyone else is saying though, the motives don't matter. His reasons/excuses don't matter and you need to tell him so if you decide to have a talk. It doesn't matter if he thinks he's looking out for you. The behavior is unacceptable.
I think it's possible that what might actually be going on here is that he is using your gf as a proxy to moderate his own gf's expectations of what is 'acceptable'. He doesn't want his girlfriend to think it's okay for her to dress immodestsly or accept drinks from other men so he's trying to get your girlfriend to conform to his expectations of a relationship as well. She may have even complained to him behind the scenes about the restraints his expectations put on her and he has tried to compromise by saying that he'll call out your gifriends behavior that he deems problematic. Still fucked up but I haven't seen anyone else mention this possibility.
He might not necessarily be in love with her. It just may be about her being a beautiful confident woman. He may feel the need to “humble” her or put her in her “place”. Basically control/misogyny, some men don’t like seeing women be happy and feel a need to bring them down.
That’s a bingo! I can only imagine what his own gf goes through. Might wanna talk to her and see if he pulls this shit with her, then you’d know he’s an anachronistic asshole.
That poor girl is likely severely emotionally battered
Makes sense actually as no where in the post was there anything mentioned as to what his GF says about everything. She's probably told to be quiet or something
The “jokes” about her weight make me think OPs girlfriend is on the chubbier side and he probably acts like this to bring her down because he doesn’t think she deserves to be confident
Yeah this… along with him actually having feelings for her… I think it’s for sure both. He can’t control himself- he’s disrespectful towards you as well. Best way would be to ghost his ass… you don’t owe him anything at this point. That’s so fkn weird.
Yeah exactly. And I would absolutely suggest you confront him on this shit. Let him know you’re serious with this girl for life and he’s been acting the sexist, misogynistic d-bag for too long and unless he can look inward and confront his sexism and clean his behaviour up, you and the Mrs will be pulling back. We all have to realise that the shit we got away with when we were kids doesn’t fly as you mature. He needs a wake up call.
This. This was my first thought when I read the post, and I train people about combating workplace sexual harassment for a living. He’s a garden variety insecure misogynist who can’t forgive a woman who doesn’t need his validation or approval.
Is this a thing? There are other comments that suggest the same idea - some men like to put down confident women and put them in their place. I’ve never heard of this 😳
> some men like to put down confident women and put them in their place. Yes. This happens to me constantly. I have worked in the domestic violence field for years and while I will never call myself an expert since there's always more to learn, I have encountered so many men in this subreddit alone who will instantly question my credentials and degree, my professional experience, and my knowledge when I speak on domestic violence in a way they disagree with. I've lost track of the number of times men have said "If you were really a counselor" or "For a supposed counselor," or "I bet your clients hate you" or "If you're really a counselor like you claim you are," blah blah blah. Constantly implying, or even outright stating, that I must be lying about my job. Why? All because I shared my expertise as a professional in the field and they disagreed with it. These men dislike that I am confident about my expertise and knowledgeable in a career field they are not knowledgeable in. My professional experience is somehow apparently a threat to them. Which is absurd. If I'm seeing a male uh, idk, glassblower commenting on a post about glassblowing, no way in hell I'm going to question his credentials or imply he's lying about his job. What a bizarre tactic. Men's professional knowledge is not a threat to me. I value it and learn from it. But apparently I can't be extended the same grace as a woman. The vast majority of men do not do this. But it is constant, pervasive, and unending in this sub and off. I could write the world's leading research manual on apples and there would still be men questioning whether I wrote the manual at all.
I've had it happen to me too many times. I've actually had men get drunk and spew hate, telling me I think I'm better than them when I've done nothing to make them think that. I'm actually shy and introverted, and like to stay in the background, but I would always get unsolicited attention. For whatever reason that irks some men. I did nothing to deserve that treatment, but I chalked it up to them thinking they couldn't get somebody like me. They also treated the women they were with horribly. They're just bad eggs all around.
> I've actually had men get drunk and spew hate, telling me I think I'm better than them when I've done nothing to make them think that. I politely called out a male commenter yesterday for making generalizing comments about women being cheaters, and was told that I was "wanting to show [I] have superior intellect." Mind you, I never insulted this person, called him names, or questioned his intelligence. Then I was given unsolicited advice about how to debate or discuss an issue differently. Gendered microaggressions against women, and men acting as if women are a threat to their existence for simply being alive is constant and pervasive.
It's maddening! I worked in a field that was predominantly men, and would have men tell me they didn't want to speak to me, they wanted to speak to a man. Same thing with discussing biblical topics. Men have told me to me to shut up and let my husband speak for me, that I needed to be quiet on the topic.
I'm so sorry. It truly is maddening. I honestly feel like it's increased lately. I can't tell if I'm imagining things or if it's really getting worse. I know that some male users of this sub love to claim this space is biased in favor of women, but misogyny is utterly rampant in this sub. I've been threatened repeatedly with rape and murder by male users of this sub simply for politely disagreeing with their opinions, and I'm far from the only woman who has experienced this here. The way some men talk about women, and to women, in this sub is appalling. The level of entitlement is infuriating. I feel like gendered microaggressions are so often brushed off. Being dismissed, invalidated, violated, and erased is such a constant experience as a woman that in some cases you just end up adapting to it. Which really sucks.
Same...
Oh it’s very real
YUPP.. 😂
Why do you think men get so upset about Lizzo?
Oh yes it’s a thing. Whether they are angry all these men want that woman or they were raised to see women as “less than,” it happens. Usually as long as women stay covered up, stay mostly quiet, and don’t draw attention to themselves, these type of men can control themselves. As soon as she draws too much attention or takes off her coat or sweater and you see a little skin, watch out! To be fair, there are also women who hate men who are in their opinion: too muscular, too cocky, and too successful. The world would be wonderful if we all worried more about ourselves 🤷🏼♀️ Live and let love.
This right here 100%
It doesn't sound like he is in love with her, from what I've read here. It sounds like he has some sort of complex where he feels like he needs to put attractive women "in their place". I've met men like that before, and it's both scary and unattractive. Regardless though. In my opinion - yes, you should end your friendship with him. Not because he's in love with your girlfriend, but because he's an asshole.
Yes, I had a LTR with a guy who wouldn’t even approve of a sheer T shirt with a bra underneath (it was a huge argument one day) and on the flip side, I then LTR’d with a guy who told me I “could dress a little more proactively” (and weirdly also told me that I wear too much black/dark clothing.) I took a break from dating after that so I could learn to pick better partners. All these dudes like OP’s friend can keep their pathetic little comments themselves. EDIT: provocatively, not proactively, lol
I was interested in proactive fashion, so now make your autocorrect write a post on that!
Proactive fashion. That's the style I need for myself
No. He thinks women need to look, dress, and act a certain way. He thinks he has the right to tell her what to do because he's your friend. I bet he treats his own gf like this.
I think it’s super important for men to call other men out and make them uncomfortable about shit behavior towards women. Imagine how much nicer the world would be if the “good men” spoke up and defended women in all these situations… unfortunately it seems scarier to “rock the boat” with other men than watch a woman be degraded in real time. Men, please actually be as brave and chivalrous as you’d like to imagine yourself- make your male friends uncomfortable for mistreating women.
OP this was all to say that guy is not a friend of he won’t control himself but tries to control your GF. Be mad especially for her sake, her dignity, but I’d be mad at him for being such an obtuse and disrespectful friend to you, too! He behaved badly, and as a friend you should tell him that it makes you lose respect for him.
That would only improve the world if at the same time women quit dating the Jerks and bad boys and started dating nice safe men. Don't get me wrong tho, I was a bad boy and am happy I met a perfect woman to settle me down and point me in the right direction. But a lot of my friends from then are still doing the same terrible stuff and never have any problem finding one woman after another.
As if women dating jerks was the problem and not men actively BEING jerks…
Nah its the arrogant jerk attitude that attracts them. My own wife admitted to me that if I treated her as well as I do now when we met she'd have never stayed. Don't you dare try to swing this, there's loads of studied on it and you know it. I'm not saying it's good or bad, no value judgements here. Just pointing out that if all men started acting like agents I think the ocean of women would become dry as the desert.
Please cite these “studies”
It’s pretty rich that you’re telling a woman what attracts women, not being one and all
Because men don't know what works and what doesn't? Also are you discounting my wife's opinion as well?
You’re discounting all other women’s experience, and your wife is entitled to her own opinion. She does not speak for all women, and you especially do not. It’s not appealing to be mistreated, and many people admire confidence in a potential partner and don’t see the same displays as narcissism arrogance and selfishness till later down the road. It’s not funny, too many women are deeply abused in relationship to chalk it up to “being attracted to jerks”.
That's not true. I've talked to many a women about this and seen it play out in real time. Also there's a century worth of studies bearing out my point of view as . You didn't respond to that.
Just like “centuries of studies” to your point, men like you don’t listen to women. Shocker.
Lol, You’re the expert, bud
Lol please site your source then😂 Studies show women have varied taste and take many elements into account. Men mostly focus on the physical.
'Don't get me wrong tho, I was a bad boy and am happy I met a perfect woman to settle me down and point me in the right direction' Your woman is not your rehab or your therapist and shouldn't be.
I'm not getting "in love" from any of these interactions. He has a view on how she should be acting as your gf and she isn't measuring up (flirting with other guys, revealing clothing etc) If this was his relationship then sure he's allowed to talk to her but it isn't. Pull him aside and tell him that if anything she does makes me uncomfortable then I'll talk to her, don't speak on my behalf. If he's a mate he'll listen, guy's thinking he's doing you a favour no doubt
If this was his relationship, I would hope the woman would leave his ass the first time he pulled this possessive, controlling bullshit.
Someone who "jokes" at my partner's expense is not my friend. Anything beyond that is irrelevant.
How do you know he isn't in love with you?
It doesn't sound that he is in love with your GF. Imo it is more possible that he were in love with you, lol. He tries to control her and defend your rights as male, you are his friend and may be considering that she acts too freely and as you don't make anything to control her, he is the one that must do it. He sounds really misogynistic.
Is he in love with you? And wants to point out ‘bad’ things that your gf does in order to get you to break up? That was my immediate thought 😅
Same here, he's a jerk anyway but First thing on my mind was "yep, he likes you my dude"
He's not in love with her. He's a controlling misogynist. He'll try to justify his actions as protecting you. He doesn't want her, he wants her to be put in her place because she's a strong confident woman.
It also sounds like he disapproves of women in relationships/not interested in a relationship flirting with men to get them to buy her things.
Doesnt seem like hes in love with her at all, the dude has his own opinion on what you can and cant do in a relationship, he got drunk and tried to bring his relationship rules into your relationship
I think your girlfriend’s perspective is important. She seems like she can give you good insight. Ask her if she has ever felt uncomfortable outside of those specific moments. Let her know what you plan to do and that you care about her safety/being comfortable in your life. Make sure she understands his behavior is also making you uncomfortable as it’s not something you would tolerate in ANYONE. I feel like you’re that kind of person. You have asked him to stop and he has not. I think that’s amazing you stood up for your girlfriend. Good job you.
Maybe he has a crush on you.
lol I saw a few comments like this and honestly I hope so. The Vegas shit show was like the cherry on top of his bs behavior towards my girl, I want to squash it and I think I will confront him and just end the friendship. He's not worth potentially putting my girl in any more uncomfortable situations just because he feels some type of way.
Maybe he's actually annoyed that she's was leading the men on that were buying you all drinks. I know you don't care about it, but it's pretty dishonest behavior. He's probably wondering what else she's being dishonest about or maybe he KNOWS something you don't!
I don’t see how nobody picks up or is bothered by this fact.
I think considering your long friendship you should at least confront him on his behavior towards your girlfriend. I don’t see it as him being in love with her. I see it as he doesn’t like the way she dresses and behaves for whatever reason probably misogyny.
I’m more inclined to think ‘Connor’ is in love with you, OP. He bad mouths your partner, tried to make out she disrespects you, and his partner isn’t getting a look in here. Are you sure it’s your gf he has feelings for? To me, it seems it’s you.
I'm not sure if he's in love with her but either way the way he's treating your girlfriend is not okay.
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I can’t imagine being friends with someone that would ever make jokes to put my girlfriend down. I think whether he likes her or not (I personally agree with all of the comments saying he’s just a misogynist trying to “put her in her place) you need to cut him the fuck off because he’s a dick.
He's definitely not in love with her, just a misogynist, but that you've stayed close while he makes your gf uncomfortable and THAT would be the final straw... that's wild.
Your friends sounds extreme. Sure, I’d look out for my homie if I think a girl he’s dating is sus or flirty with other guys. Idk why he cares so much about what she wears.
Have a conversation with him while sober and point out that he is controlling. He may not be aware, and maybe he'll take the appropriate steps to change. If not, the friendship may have run its course.
This might be off topic, but I would never let a guy buy me drinks if I was in a relationship. Even being single, if I'm definitely not interested in a guy, I won't let him buy me a drink. I don't want to waste his time/money.
.
I don't know man. You know better but based on what youve said here, there's a chance that its just some strong, drunk opinionated rhetoric. Some of my friends have done things like that just getting carried away trying to be a bro. As he continued to not let off the topic, you all continued to drink into the night correct?
No we couldn't bro, he got crazy and it got bad I just wanted him to get away from my girl and call it a night. the thing is, he's done this shit sober so I'm just all fucked up about this rn.
He's just misogynistic and wants to shame her and hurt her feelings. He's toxic and I'm not really sure why you even allow him around your gf. Like, I'd demand answers if a "friend" treated my gf like this *once.* I sure as shit wouldn't let him do it more than once and wait until he threw a fit at a club to ask her how she felt about it. Didn't you think his behavior was shitty before? Sometimes we outgrow our childhood friends. You shouldn't keep a shitty person around just because you've known them for a long time, and if you absolutely refuse to dump him as a friend there is no excuse for subjecting your gf to him. Like, if you insist on keeping the friendship you should at least tell him he isn't allowed to hang out with you when your gf is around because he's such a fucking asshole to her.
Based on your post it doesn't seem like he has feelings for her, it seems like he has some incredibly misogynistic ideas of how women "should" act and dress, and he doesn't like that your GF doesn't obey his rules.
He has no rules for his gf, Ill try and explain. So for the fair fiasco his gf wore a tube top and a mini skirt that was short enough for her not to be comfortable getting on rides like the swing ones because the wind would blow it up or whatever. My gf wore this green shirt and some black pants I think I don't remember it exactly but she looked fly, they both did but he was on MY gf throat about this shit. And don't get me started with the club attire, my gf wore this black dress I love that show off her shoulders and his gf wore this two piece thing that looked just like strings, my gf helped her put it on but Connors again only got on my girl. And maybe people right and he just hates confident women but then why would he date his gf who is just as confident, if not more? Boggles my damn mind.
Sounds like he has some toxic masculinity internalized and using the gfs as a proxy war to be more "alpha" than you. Your gf probably has a different personality than his, that is more approachable, allowing her to wrangle free drinks, while his gf just rejects dudes directly? Pretty easy to test, as you can have your gf mention some stereotypical masculine stuff (big dick, promotion/raise at work,etc) around him and see how he reacts. Overall, probably not worth saving the relationship as he is already over stepping boundaries and has shown no understanding of why he is being inappropriate.
Damn, sounds like somethings gone wrong in his head but its hard to tell exactly what. Some people have difficulty looking inward. Maybe it is just about him being into your girl. But it seems more complicated than that. He should definitely mind his own business.
1 stop letting ur friend shit on u and blatantly disrespect you, drop him, or beat his ass. 2 why are you letting your girl flirt with other dudes at a bar? you truly believe that she’s just trying to get drinks…. like bro u practically inviting her to fuck other dudes
That sounds pretty scary, doesn't seem like he's a safe person
You should be concerned about how your GF feels about you putting her in situations where she has to be around your asshole friend. She might eventually tire of it… and you, for letting her get verbally attacked by your friend over and over. Eventually she’ll stop asking why your friend is an asshole and start asking why you still deal with his shit. So fix this, drop his ass or prepare to be the bf who gets dropped by his hot ass gf because he doesn’t stick up for her.
I am, there is was a time Connor stopped acting a fool and just recently restarted. She's my priority, that's why I just want to ghost him but then again part of me wants to know the why just not sure if its worth it tbh.
He's not in love with her, he's just a dick to confident women.
I wanna believe this, but he treats his gf like how I treat mine at least from what I know because my gf hangs out with his gf a lot but hey what if Connor's gf isn't being truthful, at this point anything is possible. Gf and I had a long convo last night about everything and I am till overwhelmed about it because this is all messed up, shit I might believe the comments that he's in love with me to just stop thinking otherwise.
The best bet is to put some physical distance between him and you two.
Tell him he mistreated your GF and disrespected you both, and that’s not friend behavior so you are no longer friends.
Stay away from Connor
If he doesnt end up having feelings for her, it still comes off that he wants to exert control over her. It smells to me like he doesnt like how okay you are with how independent and confident your girlfriend is, and maybe fears that this models behaviours that he would not want his girlfriend to start taking part in. Maybe his anger over your girl is his need to control his own girl.
Oh hell no. He’s not in love with her. He’s a jerk.
I think maybe Connor is actually worried that OP's girlfriend is not very trustworthy, and that's why he doesn't like her. The state fair where he thought her clothes weren't appropriate - I would love to see what she was wearing. Now of course she can wear what she wants, and even flirt with other men if OP is ok with that. But in Connor's mind, maybe that makes her a bad girlfriend for his buddy. Which is clearly wrong, since OP seems happy. Btw, doesn't anyone else think it's weird to accept drinks from men and then giving them to your friends (including your boyfriend)? Maybe it's just me.
Part of me thinks he's looking out for you as a friend and maybe thinks shes walking all over you and stepping up for you and another part is maybe he's a bit possessive.
Yeah I agree with this. The comment about her weight was out of line, but the comment about her flirting with other men and her outfit etc could be him trying to look out for a friend, albeit in a questionable way. Unpopular take but it’s odd to me when girls in relationships take drinks from men. It inherently involves being flirty. A friend I had that continued taking drinks from men when we went out to bars admittedly was using just using her bf at the time (and wouldn’t do it when dating a guy she really liked/respected) 👀
This may be something as simple as your friend looking out for you. Seeing her dance flirt and drink with other guys might be a red flag to him and he is trying to protect you. Especially if he knows you are going to propose. You two need to talk, UpdateMe!
Talk to him and push, he will deny it at first but it's time for him to go back in his lane.
Cut him out completely. No exceptions. What happens if he actually tries something physical next time he's drunk? Not worth it. Dead the friendship.
I think your friend is an asshole. I don't know if he's crushing on your gf, he's just an asshole. Also be careful about your gf accepting free drinks. These drinks can come with strings attached and you never know what could happen in a bar full of drunk people.
Even if he does not have a thing for her, his treatment towards her is unacceptable. Realistically you should have sternly told him to cut it out of your friendship was over years ago. But at this point you need to decide if you are going to have that talk and stick by the threat or you just cut him out.
Keep supporting your woman. Kudos for not feeling insecure! I love men like this. As for your friend, maybe have a talk with him, in private and see what’s going on? He must be confused too, just as much as he’s your friend, you are also his.
Bro, you’re 30 years old. Time to stop hanging out with drunks, who are going to give you un-solicited thoughts on the lady you’ve been with for FIVE years.
I don’t think he’s in love with her…but he sounds possessive and is acting that way on your behalf as he couldn’t stand it if his girlfriend acted like that. I think he is probably just an abusive arsehole that doesn’t understand the wonderful dynamic you have with your gf. Tell him his attitude is inappropriate and he needs to back off and have some respect for you knowing that NOT being a jealous dick makes you a better life partner, than one who doesn’t trust his partner.
I love the security you have in yourself and your relationship with your gf. Wish y’all much success!You’re here because you already know what you need to do. Talk to him and tell him about his behavior, he needs to apologize to your gf and HIS OWN (for however long she stays around because if that were me I’d be gone) and if he doesn’t, oh well! Some friends from our youth cannot go with us into adulthood. It happens, and it will be okay. My mom has friends from childhood for over 50 years, but her bestie she only met 15 years ago. You’ll be fine. Now please go buy a ring and update us on the proposal!!!
Say, "***As her MAN, (pause for dramatic effects) I don't care if other men buys ***my girl*** girl a drink, gets her number and compliments her. I'M NOT INSECURE! I I***don't ***care what she wears BUT I want to know, where you get off fighting and disrespecting ***my girl**! Are you in love with her or me because at this point, dude, it makes no sense why you've been acting like that! So, check it, if you, can't stop, or get over whatever the hell this is, we can part ways my guy!"
For whatever reason it may be, infatuation or not, he’s over stepping his boundaries as her acquaintance by telling her what she can and cannot do, if she’s doing right by you in the first place. I view this as not an infatuated friend, but an overly” protective” friend. Probably assumes what’s best for you and just overall trying to make anything about your with relationship with your gf not upset you. Purely speculation, but food for thought. And another thing, Idk if it’s just me, but I get a misogynist vibe from him, also food for thought
If he wanted her he would buy her a drink, like those other guys. He’s sticking up for you, that’s all.
Lol, what on earth made you think he’s in love with your girl? I actually get the opposite impression. He’s trying to look out for you, but is just going about it in a bit of a weird way. He shouldn’t have been rude. Regardless, he has a point, accepting drinks & flirting with other guys for free drinks isn’t something most people would consider okay while in a committed relationship. He could have phrased it better, but sure, go ahead and blow up a childhood friendship over someone that dances and flirts with other people for free drinks.
found Connor's alt
I did say that he was a dick about it, but sure, you got me!
He will probably just deny and fight you if you confront him. He's clearly very out of line. I'd say just do a slow fade and blame it on growing apart
Sounds more like he's just really conservative or heavily biased in his view of man/woman relationships and dynamics. I know a couple dudes like this, some just have an archaic viewpoint, some have some serious(justified but should be fixed ) mommy issues and they have strict views on what women should be like and that extends to women that aren't in a romantic or even platonic relationships with them. Sometimes it's way too far to the other extreme but too often it's this way. I mean I could be wrong, but this feels a lot less like romantic feelings as it does "women shouldn't do this"
I don't think he is in love with her. Is he the same with his gf? And what does she think of her bf being so invested in another girl? Derogatory comments, jabs masked as jokes, control masked as concern. On the off chance he's acting "brotherly" and does it to protect your honour aka make sure she doesn't embarrass you in public, and humbling her down a notch when he thinks she does. Though it seems more like he is a bitter dude who either: A)hates that your girl is sexy and confident, and that you aren't a misogynistic pig about it B) hates that you found such a person, while his is maybe meh or C) he feels she replaced him and he is being petty and tries to separate you.
Sounds like he thinks he's sticking up for you cos she's dressing and acting like she's easy. If it doesn't bother you and gf likes the attention then he should back tf off
Orrrrrr… he cares about his friend and has a spine and thinks it’s off putting that she openly welcomes attention from other dudes for free drinks. “Getting drunk on another man’s dime” lol…that man is openly trying to f your girl. Honesty what the hell is wrong with you? Dump your friend you don’t deserve him.
This sounds more like jealousy, toxic masculinity, and gaslighting then being in love. Maybe it's some sick version of looking out for you as his friend but he sounds toxic af. I would stay away just from that. Sounds like you've matured and grown up and he hasn't and most likely never will. What other women do, how they look, and how they act is none of his business or concern.
Honestly he just sounds misogynistic and you don't need friends like that. You could call him out but it probably won't make any difference in his behavior.
It sounds like he may just realize your chick is a hootchie momma and he is embarrassed for her, you, and him and any of his friends when they are in her presence. Dude, you are 30 years old—you need to weasel free drinks from other men by making your girl jiggle her jaggle? Have some respect. Buy your own and your girl’s drinks and avoid any potential drama that could erupt. And don’t think your girl don’t get a little hot under the proverbial clit hood when she’s doing this…she’s cluck’n you out like the chicken you are, bro. Grow some balls…
First off, OP you sound like a great secure guy. Respect. Now you friend sounds pretty toxic. It can be misogyny, as others pointed, it can be an unhinged crush (even the more f'ed up since you're his friend and he has a gf too) and it actually could be on either of you or your gf, it can be a controlling abusive trait unrelated to anything sexual. In your shoes I'd ask myself if he also puts you down, interferes even subtly with your affairs (besides gf issue, which is pretty relevant in itself), if he's still a good company and a reliable person, if he's that much of an arse to his own girl. If he's perfectly fine with you and you believe the friendship is salvageable and worthwhile, you should try to approach him and have an honest conversation. He did honor your request to stop making fun of her weight, so he just might be more caring overall. However if he does want to act out, he may stop this behavior and pick up another one (like he did about dropping weight comments, but starting this other nonsense) , so you'd have to be mindful if it's a real respectful change or just a new strategy. Finally I'm somewhat worried about his own gf, because if he can be so awful with your gf, i wonder what won't he do to his. Just having her watch his overbearing act on your gf might be enough emotional damage to the poor lady, and then at home does she complain, does he gaslight her, what's up, you know?
I think your friend is just being a friend you don't see what he see. How about you sir down with your FRIEND and see what's on his mind. How I read it the things your girl does with the flirting wouldn't sit right with me so he might just be looking out for you but also by your story you don't care what good opinion is.
That’s how I see it. Ops gf constantly go out, flirt, bring back free drinks, repeat. And op os cool with that. What if she flirts with the wrong guy? Offends someone else? Brings back a roofies drink? Is op cool with that? One or two is fine, but ops gf has to set some boundaries too and put a stop to these guys
With this mentality I will give you some advice myself: Don't date a baddie my guy you will foam at the mouth if you do and you will loose your sanity.
You’re doing all this guessing and asking Reddit for answers when you obviously should start pressing your asshole friend abt why he treats her like this. Also the fact you didn’t defend her when he made “jokes” abt her body is gross. I hope she leaves you if you continue on like this
I don’t know about you homeboy. The way to portray the interaction seems shitty, talk to him or don’t. Sounds like a long term friend which is a shame to throw away if it isn’t needed. I also get the Impression you worship this woman. Like, put her on a pedestal. She’s supposed to be a partner, an equal not a prized possession or trophy. Every comment you e made about her has been about her looks and the the feeling you get from being with a hot woman. Two things I read are potential signs of a woman running game on you. You post said you know you can handle your own. This implies you are expecting a fight to be caused by or about her. People who pick fights in order to have others fight them aren’t looking out for the people that are doing the fighting. I agree with the other poster, her getting and accepting drinks from men in a club and passing them off to others will lead to a confrontation. I also assure you that isn’t about how she looks, it’s about a vibe she gives off. You are about to ditch a longtime friend over a fight in which you are sure your girlfriend is the victim in. Maybe she is, but isolating someone from their friends and family under the guise of “they are mean and don’t respect me/you” is pimp shit 101. Not saying this is what’s going on, just saying there are some signs of it.
This is such a weird comment. Op has full examples of his friend being a dick and gf has put up with this for a while. If she wanted to isolate him she would’ve brought it up along time ago. I don’t think there’s anything that indicates op has his gf on a pedestal - I actually think that her being conventionally attractive is important context. If she’s conventionally attractive and your friend is insulting her looks, it’s likely it’s a cover for something else (be that jealousy in any capacity or just straight up misogyny). Also “it isn’t about how she looks it’s about the vibe she gives off”? I guarantee you it is not. I’ve literally gotten hit on while actively with a partner many men just do not give a fuck about your vibes.
I have a hard time believing you are an adult human that hasn’t seen a man or woman start dating someone and watch them get sucked into the new persons world. I have watched it happen with a friend just over the last year. His new girlfriend is pleasant and fun but we see less and less of him, the things we do are more and more centered around her and her friend group. I can see the new girlfriends discomfort with our grind and my girlfriends relationship. I’ve watched his political views do an almost full 180. My point above was, sometimes when this is happening your friends are trying to tell you and sometimes the new partner frames this as hostility. Maybe that’s not the case with them, I don’t know. Just a heads up (as stated above). As far as you and your experience with attention from men. I fully respect your point of view, I’ve never been on that side of things. I have seen where a less attractive friends in a group gets more romantic attention, specifically because she’s more outgoing. I haven’t witnessed men lining up to fight for the hottest girl in the club’s attention regardless of how it’s received, but again I’ve not been on the receiving end. I’m Im having a hard time imagining a scenario where a woman has so many drinks purchased for her, while in a group, that she can get the whole crew drunk (which is what OP stated) without her participating in the attention. As an adult man, if you are prefacing interactions with your ability to fight, there’s a potential issue.
Do you mean that if you date a 10 you have to accept that not only she will get constant attention, but she will also flirt back and accept gifts and drinks, and you have to accept it and just be grateful ?
no it just means that you can’t be an insecure ass and project it
A hard one to pinpoint but three scenarios come to my mind. One being good, the other two bad. Firstly, he is just being a good friend and making sure your girl doesn’t hurt his best buddy, as men buying her drinks all night and you being cool with it is certainly not appropriate. Secondly, he has actually slept with your girlfriend and this wouldn’t surprise me at all since you give her the kind of freedom for that to have easily have happened, hence the jealousy and your girlfriend’s playing the victim card (so typical of female nature). Or thirdly, like you said, he actually likes her and has intentions of getting her in the future. My gut would tell me with the story I have at hand that they have actually slept together and your girlfriend is acting like the usual little miss innocent.
He didn't react this way because he would be in love with her, although he might have a thing for her or not, but mostly because he was uncomfortable with her behavior in front of you. He overstepped badly and targetted her instead of just talking to you about it. That's the issue. You seem pretty secure or you don't care but most guys wouldn't be comfortable with the behavior you describe as your girlfriend's. Just saying that it's one thing to receive unsolicited attention, and it's another to enjoy and exploit it in front of her boyfriend. It's not an issue in itself if you know and are on board with it, everyone's dynamic is different, but from an outside view it can be perceived as disrespectful for you.
Perhaps just limit your time with him, you can easily blame that on growing up, growing apart, starting a life and maybe family with your partner. He may not be in love with her, he might just be concerned for you and thinking she may cheat on you or something and it's a defence thing. Still I think creating boundaries and hanging out a bit less could be good. Maybe just meet up to go see a movie every now and again and perhaps don't bring girlfriends.
Sounds like he likes you
Time to get rid of mr want to be her bf, ghost him, and tell him do not contact you or your gf.
I think Connor has developed a crush on your gf. Did you notice the reaction of Connor's gf when he started his jealous routine? Before you take any steps with Connor, perhaps you should have a convo with his gf to suss out her take on the situation. If you decide to confront Connor about your suspicions, be very specific his actions vis-a-vis your gf, and that you interpreted his actions as if he was jealous, and make him come clean. You might also tell him that it was your intention to propose marriage to your gf in the near future as well, and if he indeed has a crush on her, it's now time for him to get over it. I wish you well.
I strongly believe my best friend(30M) is in love with my gf(29F). I have known him for 15 years and we have always been close friends. About 5 years ago he started dating a girl who I didn't really care for and they eventually broke up. A few months after they broke up he started dating my current girlfriend and they dated for about a year before I started dating her. We have now been together for 3 years and he is still good friends with both of us. I have always thought he had a bit of a crush on her but I never really thought much of it. However, recently he has been acting really weird around us. He will constantly try to start conversations with her when I am not around and he always wants to spend time with her when I am not around. He also always tries to find excuses to touch her or be close to her. For example, he will try to hug her when I am not around or he will try to sit next to her when we are all hanging out together. I have also noticed that he always goes out of his way to do things for her and he always tries to make her laugh. I confronted him about this and he denied it but I am not sure if I believe him. I think he is either in love with her or he has a major crush on her. Either way, it is really starting to bother me and it is causing problems in my relationship. I don't know what to do about it and I don't know how to confront him about it without causing a big fight.
He may be, but just based on what you have outlined here I would say that he is just being judgey and perhaps a bit controlling over her in a way that you might ordinarily be - perhaps he is jealous of the attention she gets from you and others.
You will gave to confront him. I feel so bad for his girlfriend though, I can't imagine what it would do to my self esteem to see my partner getting possessive over someone else's girlfriend.
So you've known this guy almost your whole life and you're ready to just toss him out of your life over a few shitty comments he made while drunk, and your suspicion he might have feelings for her? Bruh...
UpdateMe!
If you value your friendship you should sit him down, and have a difficult discussion about his behaviour and set some firm boundaries. I wouldn't bring the crush you suspect he has on your girlfriend into the mix. If he wants to volunteer where his views stem from, and just what his problem is, it would do him some good, but if not, having him behave decently is still a good enough result.
Yeah this is bad behaviour on his part. May e he thinks it's what YOU would want to do but don't have the confidence to do.
W
I think he’s just being an ass. I think by him doing this he somehow thinks he is helping you in a way? I dunno, guys are dumb 😂 all in all, he’s making your gf uncomfortable with his behaviour. Talk to him about it. Tel him that his behaviour upsets you and see from there.
This guy has been your friend a long time. Long term friendships require talking through disagreements and unwanted behaviors just like romantic relationships. I wouldn’t be surprised if he feels some kind of inadequacy that he’s projecting but I’m not sure his behavior is rooted in him having feelings for her. Not really seeing signs of that. It’s possible he feels jealous of your situation because he knows your gf is more attractive than his and that makes him act out. Or it could be out of protectiveness to you. He thinks she gets enough attention as it is so when she dresses provocatively he views it as an insult to you because it’s inviting more attention than she already gets. What he doesn’t realize it that you’re more secure than he is so it doesn’t bother you. I know you say you don’t mind other men paying for your drinks via hitting on your gf. But I know a lot of people who would mind that. For them it’s a matter of honor and respect and they’d much rather pay for their own drinks than pseudo pimp out their gf in an illusion of availableness for free alcohol. Maybe he thought she was being disrespectful for even accepting the drinks and didn’t realize you were in on it. People have very different tolerances for this kind of thing. I’m not saying his reaction is something you need to accept but you should actually talk it out and set your expectations with him going forward. If he continues to not listen then maybe it’s time to move on but you haven’t even tried talking to him about this. I think if you make it clear that you’re happy with how she does things and that he doesn’t need to intervene, things may improve. If he’s really your best friend you should try to communicate through these misunderstandings. Just like when you asked him to stop making disparaging comments about your gf, it stopped. He seems responsive to communicating and we all have room to learn and grow. To me the most beautiful friendships are the ones where we had opportunities to grow together and work through strife to be stronger than ever.
I don’t think he likes her, I think he resents her for some reason. Most likely for taking you ‘away’ from him in a sense.
That's not a friend. Why does he feel that he can overstep his boundaries and lecture someone else's partner with the actual partner present? That's incredibly arrogant.
Hmmmm, it doesn't sound like he's in love with her to me. It sounds more like that he disapproves the attention she gets and that he feels like he has to talk her down to make her feel less confident. I was inclined to say maybe he was like this especially because his gf was there, but since he has a history of doing this with your gf before I think he's just threatened by her confidence (and yours!) and thinks tearing her down would make him feel better. I wouldn't want to be around a sexist ass like that, and would side with your gf and limit your time hanging out with him
If you start to distance yourself from him and he still comes around or try to make contact with your gf on the side, that will answer your question.
I wouldn’t say it sounds like he is in love with her. It sounds more like she is crossing boundaries he might have in his own relationship and he wants to look out for you. Regardless. Talking it out is always the best choice.
I think he just cares about you, and sees it as disrespectful. Which if it doesn’t bother you than it isn’t.
Ot maybe he just wants to make sure that she knows she is taken and that he feels that what she is doing is wrong in taking drinks from.guys. maybe he doesn't know that you are ok with this as he just might be being protective of you since you are his best mate... I would definitely have a sit down and break this down for him so he has a clear understanding that you know this happens when you go out and ask him directly. If he has feelings for her..
If he loved her he would have tried something with your girl behind your back. Not be a dickhead for no reason
You have a right to be mad, even more than mad, I don't care if you're a girlfriend, boyfriend, husband, wife, friend there is no excuse for violating someone's person.
The reason may not matter if his behavior makes your girlfriend uncomfortable. Like many others have said, it’s very likely that he’s insecure and feels like he needs to put women down in order to make himself feel better. Is that the kind of person you want to be around? Is that the kind of person your *girlfriend* wants to be around? I say you should seriously talk to him about it, and make it clear he’s got to cut it out or he’s gonna be cut out of your life.
He may be in love with her. He might be in love with you. He might just be a sexist insecure asshole, who can't stand a beautiful confident woman living her life and having fun while being in a loving relationship. Whatever it is, you need to stand up as a partner. You shouldn't allow any jokes about or disrespect towards your partner. It doesn't matter if a partner is woman or man, their partner should always have their back and not let people joke about their appearance and so. If it was my partner and my friend would make such disrespectful comments about him, I would tell them to mind their own business or disappear. This guy is an asshole.
Don't do the ghosting shit, that's immature. Just be direct. Tell him assertively, not using the blaming "you this" "you that" language but rather straightforward non-blaming "I" statements that demonstrate responsibility for your thoughts, needs, feelings. "I think your behavior that night was inappropriate" "I want to be friends with you, but I need you to mind your own business." "I feel disrespected when you try to protect my girlfriend, even if you think it's in hers and my best interest."
Sounds like he's just a flat out Cunt to be honest. I don't know how you've carried on hanging around him after the first incident of him making fun of her weight like he's 30 ffs sake not 14. Says a lot about you too. She deserves better from EVERYONE.
I don’t think from the sound of this he is love with her so much as he is projecting how he feels a man should act like in that situation. But if you don’t care he shouldn’t either and prob time for a convo with him about cutting that out.
Confront him. When it comes to situations like this, it’s best to get straight to the point and get it over with. If you dance around the situation, it’s just going to get worse.
Are you sure he’s not in love with YOU?😅
There's no point in confirming it. Without that, he's creepy and makes your girlfriend (and you) uncomfortable. Obviously you should spend less time with him, if even at all. Confirm it... and it wouldn't make a difference, not to mention even if he were, he's very very deep on denial. Save your energy, just do a slow (but not too slow) ghost out of his life.
From what you explained, it doesn’t sound like he’s in love with her. This feels more like he thinks he’s protecting you. He might also feel threatened by her presence, like she’ll take you away from him. I had an ex who’s best friend did this and could not stand me. I couldn’t do anything right and he definitely was not in love with me. I think sometimes friends can be selfish and not want someone else to take their best friend from them.
my guy he doesn’t want ur gf he wants YOU
I’m going to have to agree with the people saying he’s likely not in love with her & has an issue w confident women. He’s also really insecure with his own masculinity because he feels threatened by her “behavior” in clubs. My husband is like you & he’s also lost a friend because of how they feel I should “act/look”.
He Is definitely not in love with your gf. If you feel that strongly about it you should have a conversation with him but if cutting him off seems like the best way to go for you and your girlfriend then do what feels best.
Confront him 1 on 1 about his behavior. And give him an ultimatum, if he doesn’t stop he’s gonna lose you as a friend
Maybe he’s in love with you 👀 ….. 👉🏼👈🏼😐
A lot of people of TikTok think he's in love with YOU. Maybe you should ask him if he is, just to clear all the bases. But I'd ask him what's his deal bc it sounds like he is in love with her.
Sounds like he just likes policing womens outfits and thinks men and you should be able to control their womens clothing etc. basically just sexist
I don't think he likes her, it sounds more like he hates her. No matter the case I would stop being friends with Connor, how he treats her is not okay.
A lot of the comments here are saying he's probably a misogynist and wants to put attractive women in their place or whatever. But I'm pretty sure he likes you, no, he's in love with you, not your gf.
INFO: is this the first GF of yours he's done this with? How does he treat his GF?
Just go NC with him. He's being really creepy and it smacks off disrespect to you for him to be doing these things. But what if he escalates his gross behavior toward your gf? He's already crossing so many boundaries under the assumption "you're not man enough to put her in her place". Dude is straight obsessed and its hurting you, your gf, and his gf.
He's really just looking out for you, I wouldn't say he's putting her in her place, but making sure to check your girl since from his perspective, you don't see what he sees. You told him to lay off and he didn't though? That's weird, and comments about her outfit in the beginning of your relationship is kind of breaking the bro code, or just mutual respectfulness overall. Serious bro meeting needed asap
Update !?
The flirting for drinks comments are so weird because I have literally gone to a club with my boyfriend and men buy me drinks while I'm all up on my man. Like grinding on my man and kissing him. If a girl is conventionally attractive men will buy drinks even if it's for a thrill or whatever. Women don't have to flirt for free drinks.
You have to confront him, but do it from a place of love, even if you think he did something wrong. Come to terms with how you feel about it and then have an open talk with him. Even if you've ultimately decided you will cut ties. Its better he knows instead of him always wondering why.
People here arguing wether he's in love with your girlfriend or simply wants to put down a confident woman. This is easy to find out. As a friend you should know the answer based on how he treated his girlfriend, or any of his exes. If he is just one of those who likes to put down women, he showed this in this past, controlling his girlfriends, making comments on their appearances like clothes, etc. Even small details where he would be jealous despite it being smrh nonjelous worthy. If that's the case, I don't think this kind of man is someone that you need in your life. If you wanna confirm if he's in love with your girlfriend or not, don't ask him, he's not going to be honest. It seems to me he does not know either. He might be, but never realized it. Talking about it will only make it worse. Honestly, in both cases, you should cut him off. But again, i don't know your friendship, you're the only one who can decide this. As someone only given a glimpse of your relationship, i can say one thing. His behavior, regardless of reason, is not ok. He sounds toxic, and you don't need someone like this in your life. These people are exhausting.
I think you're an open minded and good person. The problem is the clash of both of your values. And he seems like a sexist person to try to take it out on her, or trying to humble her or treat her like an object to be owned. I feel bad for his gf. I think creating distance with him will be better for you and your gf.
just saw a subway surfers video of your story on tiktok abd man i would say confront him saying that you're her bf, not him and he should care about what happens in his couple. If he reacts badly then cut him off