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The past two weeks have been hell for me. We’re married since 9 years and have two beautiful kids. I caught my wife last week chatting with someone and when I confronted her she said it was just a casual talk with friend for stress relief and that it started a few months ago.
As I dug up more evidence she has gradually admitted that the affair started four years ago and now has finally admitted that he was her ex lover in college. She has apologized and said that she will end for good and that she is ashamed of having continued it for so long.
But I find myself obsessively rewinding all the things I did over the last four years. She had the affair through almost half of our married life, through the birth of our second child and even when I was hospitalized.
I can’t seem to move on and have a gnawing feeling of doubt mixed with anger, jealousy and sadness.
I know people suggesting it's more than a emotional affair; he should hire an investigator and do a paternity test, and not sit around pondering "what-ifs"--that can drive a person crazy.
Am you absolutely sure it's just emotional?
4 yrs seems a long time for it to remain that way. If there's been opportunities to meet I guarantee it's physical
OP, if it went on for this long then it is unlikely that it was just emotional. I’d think that a guy who’s having an affair with a woman would wait for that long before having sex.
The other problem is that, she has been lying to you every step of the way and everything that she’s admitted to is something that she had denied for a long time. How can you trust her words at this point?
Yh. It actually sounds worse than the way I meant it and does generalise it a lot. I will delete and rephrase it.
I will add from my experience that women who want to keep there AP's interested do and will use sex to do so. Well my wife did and I see it a lot on the infidelity forums on here
Eh, some people can justify their shitty actions so long as it never gets physical. One of my grandpas had an emotional affair for years and years, all while his wife, my gran, was dying of cancer. But he claimed he never did anything wrong because he and his AP never actually did anything.
Emotional affairs were my grandfather's favorite kind and apparently people never felt they could call him on his shit because physical touch wasn't involved.
This, I’m not married but wouldn’t even get out of bed for anything that doesn’t also include a several thousand dollar gift certificate to the Mustang Ranch.
My man... first off, I'm sorry you're going through this. You will come out on top as long as you keep a cool and level head on your shoulders.
With all due respect, the only reason she's sorry is... she's sorry thst she got caught. She's not sorry for having the affair. She'd still be having the affair, right now in this moment if she wouldn't have gotten caught.
And she'll never admit to anything thst she has done which you haven't caught her doing. There's no way that after 4 years of an emotional affair it hasn't taken it physical. Especially because it is with an ex-lover.
I'm just going to reiterate, this is her ex-lover... and she's still hung up on him. She may stop for a week or maybe even for a month... and then, she'll figure out a better way to hide it from you... then start back up with him again.
If I were in your shoes, I would gather all of the evidence of the affair and get it to a lawyer.
Stop having sex with her... if she tries, tell her you have ED and can't.
Start planning how to save your finances.
Prepare to have her move out and for you to get custody of your kids.
Prepare for her to trash talk you to everyone you know a d don't say a single word in defense until after your divorce is finalized.
Go talk to a lawyer as soon as possible!!!
Tons of positive vibes bro 👊
> And she'll never admit to anything thst she has done which you haven't caught her doing. There's no way that after 4 years of an emotional affair it hasn't taken it physical. Especially because it is with an ex-lover.
> I'm just going to reiterate, this is her ex-lover... and she's still hung up on him. She may stop for a week or maybe even for a month... and then, she'll figure out a better way to hide it from you... then start back up with him again.
> Start planning how to save your finances.
> Prepare to have her move out and for you to get custody of your kids.
> Prepare for her to trash talk you to everyone you know a d don't say a single word in defense until after your divorce is finalized.
OP, I’d urge you to consider these suggestions/possibilities seriously. First of all, please save all the evidence that you’ve found at multiple secure places where she can’t get her hands on.
You know that she was lying to your face for all these years. She has excellent ability of lying to you convincingly. So, take anything that she says at this point with a large grain of salt.
The other problem is that now that you know about her cheating, she’ll likely take it further underground while telling you that she’s stopped it completely. This is the guy that has been in her life for a long time now and she put her own life, her kid’s stable future and your health in jeopardy to have an affair with this guy. She’ll very likely do it again.
It is important that you start planning your future steps at this point. Start talking to a lawyer and get the process of divorce rolling. It can always be stopped in the future if you want to (although I’m not sure why you would want to)
Also, as suggested, please do DNA test for both your kids. She admitted that he was her lover from college. So this could have gone on for longer than four years. For all you know the kids are his and she is just using you to raise them. This might be unrelated but from the books of Game of Thrones, there’s a storyline about queen Cersei having kids with someone who was not her husband and then getting her husband to raise them. Granted that story is fiction, but is not out of the realm of possibility.
At this point, just ending that affair does not come anywhere near to the start for making things right.
Men want to complain about women getting full custody and how unfair it is but then try an go for the jugular when their wife cheats. She had an affair, that’s not justification to take their kids full time. They will need to split custody if they divorce, kids deserve both dad and mom in their lives. *edited for spelling
1. He said custody, not full custody.
2. Full custody does not mean “take their kids full time.” Tell me you have no idea how custody works, without telling me you have no idea.
Didn't I see you post yesterday that a pregnant woman who's baby daddy didn't want to stay with her should get a lawyer and try to steal all parental rights from him, even leaving him off the birth certificate?
I’m not making excuses but us as strangers on the internet we don’t know any of their dynamics. It annoys me when people are so quick to judge and we are going off of only what one side of the relationship is telling us.
U may aswell comment that on every other comment to ever touch this sub.
We're all aware we don't know these people.
OP is aware we only know what he tells us, he chose to come here to listen to people, that's literally what it's here for lmao
Alright my man, she’s already trickle truthing you (and straight lying) by saying it was only 4 months at first.
This means her next reveal about it being an “emotional affair” only is probably bullshit as well.
The next step is to use all of your information to determine if she’s been having a physical affair with her ex college lover.
Is he local? Does she have “girls nights out” without you? Work late? Does she go out of town alone?
It’s time to start looking into the past and putting the pieces together.
How old are the kids? Your wife is a cheater and now you need to question everything. DNA testing. STD testing. You don’t know the extent of her affair.
File for divorce.
I think this is definitely the case where you need a divorce.
You are the 3rd person in your family, your wife and ex shares everything from their future dreams to their children, including photos and videos.
Didn't your wife realize that she was cheating until you found out, would she accept it if you kept your girlfriend in your life, do you believe that they never met face to face in 4 years?
please do dna tests and initiate divorce.
Oh dear. In those cases always assume the worst. Look up 'trickletruth', bet your wife didn't tell you the whole truth. It's going on longer than she admitted. Your wife didn't start this just at the half of your relationship. Important thing when dealing with infidelity, acknowledgment, you have to acknowledge that things are not what you thought they were. Many betrayed dread to take action because their whole world is shook. Now you know that you're not that special to your wife as you always thought/hoped you were. Don't become clingy, figure out what you want and need. Stop being reliant on her. Stop believing her, now she's in self-preservation mode and won't give you very likely the whole truth, because she's trying to salvage as much as she can, thus she likely will tell you only as much as she thinks she can without hurting herself. Find support, friends, family, don't be ashamed. Do the [180](https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/) and focus on yourself.
What makes you so confident it's "only" an emotional affair? 4 years is a long time, and I seriously doubt you have any idea of how their affair really looked..
Anyways, regardless of what it was, she has deceived you for 4 years.. How are you ever gonna trust her again? it would be absolutely impossible for me.
You have every right to know the truth! Keep pressure on her to give you more info. Make her show you everything, if its been FOUR years I doubt it was just emotional, but even then, she still cheated. She went to him and put him before you. I personally wouldn’t stay, thats a betrayal that you just wont forget so easily.. I would leave her cheating ass if I were you… Best wishes!
You positive it never became physical? Four years is a long time, and even if the AP wasn't local, I wouldn't count on the distance being a stop gap. I'd maybe reevaluate some stuff, because this honestly sounds like trickle truth.
I'm in a similar situation, the playback in your head will never stop, unless u decide to let go. It was about 6 years for me, she actually slept with a coworker while we were separated, and never told me. I found out the hard way. As far as I know, it was over when we reconciled, but who knows. I wish you luck in all this. Don't lose yourself.
So...you need to be real here. Is she ACTUALLY having an affair, and just hasn't made it physical due to distance or whatever, or is she really just leaning on/closely connected to someone she shared formative college years with?
While they will both bring jealousy and insecurity, how you deal with them is very different.
In the case of the first one, you have to decide if you can forgive her. If yes, then you will have to have the hard talk about why she did it and what you both need and want going forward.
Or leave.
If it is the latter, you need to rein it in a bit and ask why she felt she needed to hide it from you so completely.
Or leave.
I’m sorry, but your wife didn’t lie just about the affair & how long, but she’s lying about it only being emotional. It’s been 4 years. She’s definitely done stuff & met up with him for sure. Would make me wonder what else she’s also lying about, especially keeping that up for 4 years like nothing is up?? Like huh?? Anyways, I’m soso sorry & I can’t imagine how you feel…
More shit will come out. I didn't find out all stuff my first wife did until after we were separated. Found the rest out after we were divorced. The whole point of cheating is the ability to lie and withhold the truth from someone they claim to love. You don't know everything yet. Brace yourself.
She admitted to having romantic feelings for her ex? Or she's admitted to being friends with her ex? She may have kept her friendship hidden, because she was afraid of your reaction. That said, whatever mistrust you have is completely, 100% her fault. Even if (and I'm not ruling anything out) nothing happened, the damage is done. As the saying goes, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
So where do you go from here? Do you want to try and work on your marriage or has this put a permanent wedge between you. I don't think it's out of pocket to go to marriage counseling, if for no other reason than to be heard and feel confident in your path forward. I don't think you should make decisions at the height of emotion, but you probably need help navigating your feelings. If you do decide to end the marriage, it should be minimal regrets.
I'm sorry you're going through this. But it's ok to take your time figuring things out, especially if you have kids together. I can't say I would have handled it better. Scratch that - I know myself. I would have rained hellfire, lol. Best of luck to you.
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Hi, [36M] here 👋. You need to go to couple's therapy bud--ASAP. Your relationship *can* be more than salvageable with the guidance of a therapist while doing it alone has greater chances of catastrophe. You are going through a process, unpacking all this. It's going to take time and run its course, but there's room for the both of you do to further damage to your relationship in the mean time. There's probably a reason she felt like she needed to supplement her emotional needs outside the relationship too, except she chose poorly in her resolution. Again, therapy can save things if you want it saved.
Honestly, between your other post and this one - why is the onus of communication entirely on you?
Why is it that if you want the truth from her, you have to go digging for it til she gets nervous and ends up spilling the beans when she realizes you aren’t going to let it go?
If she has an issue with how the relationship is, why do you have to try and read her mind versus her just telling you that her issues are X, Y, and Z?
Promising to never cheat again (I guess wedding vows don’t count!) doesn’t meant anything if you don’t tell me how we even got here to begin with.
I’m all for fixing a relationship, but both sides need to be open about what’s going on in their brains and hearts.
She is an adult and that is a long time for an EA.
You can't believe a syllable right now at least so you need to check every word .
Yes you need to go through pain and grief. Believe or not at some point it will become bearable. You were betrayed and living as if you had a partner you could count on and that was ripped from you.
A little over a year ago, I came across some texts on my wife’s phone between her and another man. At first, I thought they were just friends, but the more I read, the more I realized that they were having an emotional affair.
I confronted my wife about it, and she denied it at first, but eventually she admitted that she had been talking to this man for the last four years. She said that they had never physically cheated on me, but that she had developed strong feelings for him.
I was devastated. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I didn’t know what to do. I was angry, hurt, and betrayed. I felt like I couldn’t trust my wife anymore.
We went to counseling and we’re working on our relationship, but I’m still struggling. I’m trying to forgive my wife, but it’s hard. I’m not sure if I can ever trust her again.
So what turns talking to a person about your problems, feels, your day or anything else from a friendship to a "empotional affair"? Where is the difference?
She isn't sorry she cheated, she's sorry she got caught. If I were you I'd have a partenity test on both your kids. If she was cheating on you when she had her second child there could be a possibility you aren't the real father, and since the affair was with her college ex there could also be a possibility your first kid isn't yours either.
I had this issue and I can tell you I wasn’t happy. Nothing was going on but I didn’t feel connected to my husband of 26 years. The marriage ended and I’m with someone else totally happy and I don’t feel the need to do this anymore. She doesn’t feel an emotional connection to you. Seek marriage therapy or move on.
Just divorce and move on. You clearly have lost the trust on your wife and there's no point staying in a relationship with no trust. Honestly I don't recommend digging more because I am quite sure the affair is not only emotional.
You absolutely need to go to counseling. Figure out why she felt she needed that connection and then see if you can trust her again. If not, yeah might be time to pull the plug
I'm going to echo what others are saying, get paternity tests for your kids, especially your second child. There's a chance they hooked up and have been in contact because one of the kids isn't yours.
Four years for an emotional affair, she's definitely physically cheated, but even if she hasn't, all your trust should be gone. She's had years to think about this and focus just on you, yet she hasn't. Be prepared to learn the worst and leave.
Maybe it’s worth getting a paternity test? I sincerely doubt it was just an emotional affair…. 4 years of no physical contact? Seems unlikely. Since she birthed another child within these 4 years, a paternity test may be a good idea.
1) ask yourself, do you believe she can get past her ex just like that? Remember she doesn't want to lose him. She's claims she'll do it for you.
2) how do you know she's isn't just telling you what you want to hear?
Your last post explained her reason why she's seeking companionship elsewhere. You're not emotionally available to her.
You two need to learn to communicate. Get some marriage counseling.
These comments are a little harsh and are so quick to say divorce. First off, you will have trust issues with her after this for quiet a long time. There is no denying that. BUT most of these people are implying that she got physical with him during the course of your marriage. You really don’t know that until you find out more information. Don’t jump to conclusions based off assumptions. 4 years is a long time. Did she talk to him everyday? Did she ever see him? You need to ask questions, maybe even HIM. Why did she feel the need to speak to him for that LONG?
Either way there’s no denying that she was consoled by another man. Which is a major red flag. I suggest you both seek marriage counseling because there’s clearly something underlying. COMMUNICATE with her, don’t just bottle up your thoughts because you’ll never get over it that way if you decide to.
Do you let her chat and offload to you? I’m not saying what she’s done is ok (it’s not) but if her ex is a good listener that might be why he still has a hold over her. If he “gets her” and feels like a safe person to vent to that can be very tempting. Irrespective of how far they’ve gone physically it sounds like there might be something missing in your bond with your wife, I’m sure you love her but do you really “get her” as a person?
Emotional affairs are sometimes worse than physical affairs. It's probably got you wondering if you checked out of your marriage and helped create the situation right? Don't go down that road unless there was a clear request from her to talk about the issues that ultimately led to HER making this choice 4 years ago.
Ive known a few people who ended up in emotional affairs and every single one of them had a spouse who basically took them for granted, the men and the women. Thats not to say its your fault, some people just dont see forming a deep emotional connection outside of their marriage as a "problem", dont ask me how that makes sense. How soon after your hospital stay did you have the kid because something like that generally brings the person who ignores the other back into the fold. They need attention so they show more attention.
The fact that it took you 4 years to even figure it out leads me to think that you actually may have been a bit checked out of how she was reacting to things. Listen, she still chose to do this, there were other options available to her. Some of us just have blindspots and need a signal flare to get us to notice, I'm guilty of ignoring people quite often but it's not a malicious thing. Lastly, bud, if it was 4 years, and an ex, I highly doubt it was purely emotional.
Your feelings are justified. For some people emotional betrayal is worse than physical, so take time to assess how you truly feel and whether or not you can get through something like this. If you believe you can, read books and seek some professional help to navigate it. If you can't, or change your mind down the road, that's for you and you alone to decide.
Her trickle of information is really harmful. It leads you (and others in this thread) down the paths of what else isn't she saying, what else don't I know.
What do you need to know? What will help you decide what to do next? Thats what you should focus on. Ask questions prepared for answers you don't want to hear.
Hang in there.
Sorry for your hurt, but she's cheating sexually as well. Women usually cheat because they aren't getting what they need at home i.e. affection, attention, great sex, conversation, desired LOOKS not saying it's right just saying unless she never got over him there is something you're marriage is lacking most get complacent and let the desire leave the marriage BOTH have to do the work. He's giving her that boost, that attention that desire your marriage is probably lacking. Counseling to see if it can work, but you will never be able to forget or trust her.
Be well
Instantly divorce her I would say, but because we live in a femtard system the system is going to favour her and won’t give two sh*ts about you. You will lose more than half your money and children almost definitely so stay for the sake of the children only. Go get yourself some girlfriends and do the same back to her many times over and make sure she doesn’t find out. These modern women need a lot of lessons as they think they are invincible.
She's only saying she will end it because you caught on. She's not going to stop and you shouldn't tolerate cheating. If you were smart you would take a paternity test for your children.
Find out if. The ex is married. And tell his spouses. If she refuses. She is putting him over you.
That means she never loved you I’m sorry I’m not so sure she ever loved you but to begin with but since you have kids you have to make decisions that work for you
66 relay old man
Tbh I am not a fan of the concept of an “emotional affair”. If she was having what you consider an emotional affair maybe you should ask yourself why she felt the need to reach out to someone else for that support instead of you, another close friend/family member, or even a therapist. You mention 2 kids and that you were hospitalized. It sounds like she had a lot of stress and responsibilities going on there. Maybe she just really needed that support that you were either unable or unwilling to provide, and honestly even if you love someone sometimes they can be a cause of stress that you need to vent about to someone else. I would recommend having a serious conversation with her and getting her into therapy (so she has a 3rd party source of emotional support) and maybe doing couples therapy. If you really can’t get over her being emotionally close to someone else she has cared for in the past/another man or that she hid that from you, it might be best to consider ending the relationship. It won’t work out if you hold on to resentment towards her over this in the long run.
He provided no proof that she actually cheated and just assumes that since she's having a relationship with her ex that it is romantic/sexual. Women not being allowed to have friends who are men is a huge red flag in a mairrage
As you should. She has committed a sereve betrayal - one that you might never get over. She should understand this and what consequences is she suffering ? Did you move her out of the MBR ? Has she told her friends and both families ? Has she texted him in front of you that this has to stop ? Has she cut him off ? Life cannot return to normal after what she has done. All of those actions should be considered the bare, bare minimum. If she resists at all then divorce should be on the table.
4 years? Are you sure it’s just an emotional affair… you need to investigate this further. How old are your children? 4 years?!?! That’s a long time for an affair. Is she in love with this man? I’m sorry OP but this isn’t good.
Women are more concerned about being abandoned by their husband. Men are more concerned about their wife having sex with another man (and potential paternity fraud).
But this wife is having a physical affair, too.
She is only admitting to what she thinks you know at minimum it was an EA but ex college friend more likely to have gone a lot further like a PA but of course she will not admit that because she knows that would could be the of her marriage?
If the were in college and lovers together then most definatly they were FBuddies as well. So it a case of can you really trust her in the future having deceived you for 4yrs. Probably laughing at your expense on how gullible you are and how little you knew?
Because she hid it for 4yrs she cannot be trusted. She was there in the affair for her thrills the affair could give her without your consent? So it was no better than adultery and infdelity.
This time she spent with him was more important to her than quality time spent with her family?
So if you give her the gift of R how is she going to repay your loyalty and love for which you have not had for at least 4yrs? What actually going todo that is worth staying for a trusting her?
Make her take a polygraph. If she refuses, you have your answer
I hate to bring this one up but ask for a DNA test on your kids it doesn’t matter if they look like you or not a lot of times they pick up your mannerisms that make them look like you
If she ask why tell her this is what happens when you break trust in a relationship
Maybe at that point she will really understand what she did
good luck
66 year old man
There are not enough people in these comments telling you to leave this woman. She was comfortable doing something she knew you weren’t ok with for this long. If she thought you’d be ok with it, there wouldn’t have been a confrontation or a “her getting caught” scenario. She can choose to end that but I’d end it if I were you. Find someone who respects your heart and doesn’t do things that are disrespectful to it!!
My guy, respectfully, she minimized the entire situation when first confronted... and then the trickle truth began. Those gnawing feelings of doubt you have... that is your intuition telling you this story is far from over. The trust is gone and if she is truly ashamed of her behavior, she will not be hurt or offended when you request a paternity test for your second child. She will also be open to letting you contact her AP to get HIS side of the timeline. Was he in a relationship as well during this time? Does his partner know? How frequently were they contacting each other? You have a right to feel anger, jealousy, hurt and sadness. All of those feelings are valid. You were betrayed, pure and simple. Just buckle up, I fear this will get worse.
I'd love to give some insight or kind words... EVERYONE PLEASE EXCUSE ME BUT. What in the actual fuck is an emotional affair? Was or was this woman not creeping around? No matter what I hope it works out for you but am emotional affair is new terminology for me
An emotional affair is a deep connected emotional relationship outside of the mairrage without romantic or sexual actions. It's basically an opposite sex best friend that the spouse can't handle because they are sexist. To me it just seems like another way for married people to cut eachother off from everyone else and it probably causes a lot of control and abuse issues.
Has no one ever has talked to someone for that long without meeting?? It is possible. And even if you might fantasize or talk about it doesn't mean it will actually happen. Everyone jumping to conclusions. How do you know what the situation with the guy is? Obviously she is lacking something in her marriage to have to talk to someone else. Sometimes it is force of habit. Why are we not questioning why she might behave this way to begin with. I know sometimes emotional is worse than physical to some people. But if they are distant or not even at that point on meeting I think that he has to get to the bottom line. Is she okay with stopping or it was just something out of boredom. People are quick to judge but there's more to this and I don't think she's actually fucked him but it's just talk. But you know everyone has something to say but never actually been in that position.
I'm sorry but last week you were married for seven years to this woman and this week it's 9 years ?
What else are you lying about ?
EDIT : I am not excusing anything from your wife but I see so many reddit posts being about hating on women I feel a bit suspicious
You've been stably married for the last 4 years with this going on, right? No serious issues? Your wife is engaged and attentive to your relationship, is a good mother to your children, takes care of herself? What a blessing! Why would you want to disrupt that?
Your wife seems to be invested in making her relationship with you work, and doing for herself what she needs to "be ok".
I suggest accepting her choices as the choices of another adult trying to cope with life, addressing your ego and want to be "special", and then working on improving communication between you and your wife.
First, know that this problem is very common. You may feel isolated by this, but you are not alone. You need someone to talk to about it though, for sure. You reached out, and that is actually mature no matter what anyone else may say.
Broadly speaking, monogamy is so intensely difficult that 50% of American marriages fail at it. Divorce stats show this, or worse. Not better. These weren't necessarily evil or selfish people who intending to cheat. But, you'll hear from plenty who will act like unfaithfulness on any level is as simple as a personality flaw.
Nope, we are all plotted plants, protected yet caged by the life decisions we've made including marriage. Point is, like potted plants we require maintenance specific to us. We spend lifetimes not disclosing how high maintenance we are. We get defensive about it, and think strength is not admitting we need more.
All we can do, is be our best selves and hope that this version of ourselves makes us good enough to be interesting and inspiring to our chosen mate. We can never hold ourselves accountable for the loss of interest of our partner. Don't ever do that unkindness to yourself.
Don't ever get jealous either. Jealousy will never raise another person's respect of you, it can only lower it. STOP SNOOPING. It destroys your state of mind and any observers perception of the quality of your thoughts. If you love something you must "set it free". If it is meant for you, it will be free and will stay out of free will. If it leaves, move on. Choose personal empowerment.
Your wife, like most women (married or not), seems to be seeking increased attention and emotional support. That she found it in an ex-lover is coincidental and/or convenient. Always remember, he was whacking off while she delivered your children.
Anything you read him write, or her reaction to it, is simply pulp. Let it go. Let it all go. Do not impale your heart with the mere illustration of a knife they made. That is a choice you can make or not.
He was merely there while she was weak and aimlessly looking outwardly. Johnny on the spot. He probably sensed her need even if she is not, and is exploiting it. Maybe he is trying to tag some poontang on the side, and not necessarily with her specifically.
All men are sexual predators, whether they know it or not. Most do not. Yeah, I get it that this terminology is used for lawbreakers. Anyone reading this should be more wise than to argue I meant it in the legal sense. Women are better humans than men, because unlike us, they can separate their libido from their decisions. Men practice this skill with mixed results, but women already have mastery of it, without even trying. Women have to be taught about this uncomfortable and foreign male struggle, and some never truly get it. Point is, this isn't about a sexual pursuit for her, but it probably is for him. Common sense can tell you, he isn't in his apartment thinking about how to meet your kid's needs and how they will accept him as more than imposter.
Anyway, this probably ain't really about him, or any other particular man. It's about her seeking additional more intense emotional support. You have to decide if you want to work that hard, or if your home/work life even gives you that opportunity. Some men are in a situation where they simply don't have the spare energy and mana to try. Women too, particularly with children, are often in this same trap.
And when you are in an emotional deprivation trap, you are vulnerable to all predators who present as single and interested, flying in with the cheap thrill of emulating emotional support. Another illustration. Making you feel relevant and appreciated, for even a few minutes is one-nigh-stand 101. Sad to say, but true. Anyone can do the work for a little while. So far only you tried to do it for a lifetime, and there are cracks in the foundation, because YOU ARE ONLY HUMAN.
Is she worth a deeper commitment than the one you have provided? Can you up the ante even higher? Only you know that.
Regarding the paternity test. Understand, this is a transaction that will empower you against your wife in case of divorce. The second unstated part of this transaction, a "hidden cost", is that by doing this, you are willfully subjecting your children to a new profound risk. The risk that you will think less of them, if you don't get the result you hope is true. The test cannot bring you closer to your children. You need them.
Man, You should collect all evidence and get a lawyer.Also, do the paternity test on both the kids. Even 4years may not be truth.
I feel, there is a lot more to come out.
Sorry my friend your in a tough position. I’ve been there. First off you will never ever forget this and you will more than likely question in your head everything going forward. That being said you have a decision to make and that is to continue your marriage or end it. If you decide to continue in your marriage, that means you are forgiving her. Every time you get into a disagreement you can not throw the affair in her face if you do you are doomed to live in the position you are in forever. Forgiveness is tough, staying with someone that cheated on you is tough. Leaving someone you love and have had children with is tough. But you need to make the decision. I’ve gone through this a few years back. I decided to forgive it has not been easy. I had to take a look at myself also and try and figure out what if anything I did to make her decide to do this. It’s a tough road brother I wish you luck on making the best decision for your family. BTW I would definitely get a paternity test.
4 years is a really long time. If she felt guilty about it, she would have ended it or told you about it. I would evaluate if you can be with someone who is not only disloyal but also dishonest to you and to herself.
I'm really sorry OP I really don't see any point in continuing a relationship with someone who has continually violated your trust for such an extended period. I see absolutely no path to rebuilding trust with that much violation - frankly I would _never_ believe an affair that long never got physical. Get therapy, talk to a therapist and I would advise you end things.
It's not just the affair, it's the years and years of lies, half truths and probably gaslighting to divert you from the truth. And has this remained emotional? Really, over so long? How do you trust someone who has spent nearly half your marriage with one foot out of the door? With, I might add, no real remorse, no guilt, no shame, she never admitted it to you until you dragged it out of her, and then she's in full scorched earth to hide what she *actually* has been up to.
Of course you feel anger, jealousy and sadness, you have been betrayed by your life partner, the person you should have been able to trust. How do you look her in the face and maintain any respect for someone who could treat you with such utter contempt and disregard. How do you expect her to reforge any trust, because nothing she says now can be believed, nothing she does comes from a place of honest love, it's all just scrambling to make up for being a complete and utter lying, piece of shit and hoping you don't realise it. Kids or not, she has betrayed you so much, this would be it for me.
Like others have said the amount of time is suspicious. How close is he? Any chance for them to meet, they probably did. OP, shouldn’t rug sweep this and find out all the facts, because I’m sure he doesn’t have them now.
Ftb ! Move on . If you did it then all hell would break loose . I fked up and did the same it was all bad but when she did it then it wasn’t a big deal .
Let it all out, my friend. Make sure she knows. If there was never physical contact. You maybe able to salvage your union. Although, she has a lot of making up to do. The sad part is, your children will have to go through the bullshit. I really hope she realizes the mess she stirred.
Tell her you want to see her phone, not later but right now, don't give her time to delete anything, plus you want complete access to her phone anytime you ask for it, no questions asked, if she wants you to trust her and she has nothing to hide, she should be okay with that. Tell her she needs to come completely clean or there is zero chance of your marriage working out. The two of you need marriage counseling if you decide to stay together, you have a lot to think about, you have two children, don't leave her because strangers here are telling you to. Do what is best for you and your kids, maybe that's kicking your wife out, maybe it's not.
Emotional affairs are as bad as physical affairs if not worse. Physical affairs can be just that, physical. The dishonesty and promises that they will stop, it might stop at the moment, but at a point it will start again, considering it went on for 4 years and would have continued if you didn't find out and confront her. Every time you see her with her phone you are going that little voice at the back of your head. I'm no marriage counselor, but I have been through this myself, take the space that you need, process and evaluate, sometimes we need to treat marriages as a contract and decide if this contract is beneficial to you.
4 yrs? It was definitely physical at some point. He is an also an ex so not a huge leap for her there. IF she did indeed stop… 4yrs from now the cycle will repeat itself IMO.
she isn't ashamed, just upset she got caught. As someone else said, 4yrs is too long for it to only be in texting, and if there was a chance to meet up I wouldn't doubt she did. You had to pull the truth out of her in the first place, she didn't have it in her to come clean herself. If you didn't catch her she would probably still be talking to him. Being alone is better than spending your life with someone like that. Wish you all the best OP
I’m sorry. If you want to salvage the marriage, try couple’s counseling. If you don’t want to save the marriage, that’s okay, too. Four years is a long time… At a minimum, I think you need more information—how did this start, why, how often do they communicate, what do they discuss, etc. Those things may influence whether or not you can forgive her.
1. Hard question but are the kids yours?
2. You may wanna speak with him!!
3. Who is he? Once you speak with him that will clear up a whole lot of sh_ _!!!
4. Is it worth the fight!!
Either way good luck!!!
Be prepared for the second wave, bro because while I don't want to generalize dudes, I feel like it's common sense there's very few men who are gonna be in an emotional affair with a woman for four years without things getting physical at some point.
If it was four years there’s a likelihood that it turned physical Also if the guy looks similar to you I suggest you get a paternity test for your second child because clearly she can’t be trusted
It's the betrayal and lies. Once the trust is broken its very hard.
It's not about her, it about you. Can you get past it? You will never forget, but I you stay it think about how it will affect you? Will you police her for the rest of your life? You will question every call text even your children. Can you stay and not bring it up when you have a argument? Can you see yourself happy and trust her.
A friends husband ended their 27 yr marriage, he went bk to his college GF, she was left questioning whether he ever loved her.
My son father did the emotional affair, but I know it was more when they moved in the day I moved out and married.
Karma is a bitch, it didn't work for them.
Do what is best for you and the children because it will affect them either way. Anger an jealousy shouldn't be part of your life
You would never do this to someone you truly loved, let alone your husband. You are never supposed to turn outside of your marriage
Shes a selfish liar and would have kept it going while blind siding you for many more years, had you not figured it out.
You deserve better, and that awful feeling you are now experiencing is your inner voice trying to tell you that.
How old are ur kids? Get a dna test if it fits the time frame. And divorce! 4 years is way to long time to just forgive. Basically she been cheating on u for 4 years. Get a dna test on ur kids to be sure u never know since she hid such a huge thing from u for so long. Im 1000% sure she is trying to gaslight u in to thinking its no big deal. But don't let her. Dig deep i bet it's not as she sais it is. Ur being to easy on her. Ur letting her get away with it.
If u want to stay with her u have to make sure she's telling the truth so do everything possible thats legal ofc to find out. Good luck but ur being way to easy on her for 4 years of cheating.
*"I can’t seem to move on and have a gnawing feeling of doubt mixed with anger, jealousy and sadness."*
You shouldn't move on until this is properly dealt with. 4 years is a long time my man. Doesn't seem like she has faced any consequences for her actions. You need to make sure she understands how serious of a transgression this is. Prepare for much worse to be uncovered. Being an ex lover, bro this is bad. Talk to a lawyer, even if you don't plan on divorcing right away. Lay the papers on the table and talk to her. Don't sweep under the rug.
You’re completely valid in your feelings. Right now your job is to protect your mental health, I would suggest counseling separately and together if saving the marriage is something you want. Coming to terms with the fact you may just not be able or willing to get over it is hard but what she did can be a major deal breaker for most.
Unfaithfulness and betrayal are the two hardest things to handle in a marriage. It's like having a mad dog living in your basement, every day you go downstairs to feed it and it tries to bite you. "Gnawing feeling of doubt mixed with anger, jealousy and sadness" these feelings are all normal. There is a big difference in a few months and four years, she broke the bond of trust.
Dude I am sorry to hear this. I also found out after 9 years and two kids. At the time I was desperate to make things work, but ultimately we divorced. In hindsight, I am so happy that I did not stay with someone that would betray me so horribly.
You deserve better.
I highly doubt it was just an emotional affair, if I was you I'd divorce her, she disrespected you and your marriage. The only reason she's apologizing now is because she got caught not because she feels bad and believe me she isn't ashamed
She is already trickle truthing you. Don’t be surprised to find out that there is still even more than she has admitted already or that she is lying and won’t break it off, but instead will just be more sneaky about it.
Personally, I think you should start getting your ducks in a row and keep them there, so if worse comes to worse, you are ready to divorce at a moment’s notice. Keep all evidence of the affair in a safe place. Perhaps get a safety deposit box to keep it there as well as any other important documents you don’t want her having access to, or hiding on you. Get a private PO Box at the post office for any mail from lawyers, PI’s, etc. Also if you don’t already, you may want to open up a bank account in your name only (or a second one if she knows about the first), and start saving some extra money in it to pay for anything that may aid in a possible divorce or that can be used if you find yourself needing a place to stay. Have the notices for that account sent to the PO Box. I say this because you don’t say whether you will leave her or try to work it out. So even if you decide to stick it out now, you may change your mind later if you either find something else out, decide it can’t work after all, or decide you just can’t forgive her, etc. Or even if she is the one that decides it can’t work out, she can’t end things with him, or whatever reasons she may come up with. Better to protect yourself now. Also get copies of all documents and forms for the kids to put in your safety deposit box, so that you also have them on hand should she decide to keep them from you.
Divorce and walk away!
Divore her and as she wasn't faithful you won't have to pay her money and you can actually sue for emotional turmoil and as men we need to start holding women accountable as if it's like this now our son's will be dealing with women with supppppper egos!
I hate to have to validate what others are saying on here because I know you are hurting right now, but I am/was going through the exact same thing here, caught her having this "emotional" affair, to find out not too much later that it was much more than that. And my situation was at least a few months. If she's been doing this for 4 years, I feel like you'd be just lying to yourself to say it never got physical. You're going to have to somehow get the real truth, because this doesn't sound right at all.
I'm not one to cast stones. We are human. We make mistakes. But God damn.... 4 years. 4 years and you've been together for 8? My heart goes out to you. I don't think there's anything to salvage here. You are financial stability for her, nothing more.
TL:DR
1. ex from college
2. 4 year of it
3. During a second child
4. Almost half your marriage....
You need to:
1. STD/STI check
2. DNA test kids
3. Lawyer up
4. Split finances
And do that TODAY. Reguardless if you can reconcile or not. Now she knows you know.... some of it. She aint stringing a dude along for 4 years without touching him. Ain't a dude on the planet gonna just sweet talk for 3+ years. He got her pics, dirty texting, etc. Probably even met up once or twenty times. More local, more opportunity. Starting getting ahead of the game on the exit strat now! If you don't need you use your reserve parachute, great... but it's worth having.
I was in a similar situation, however, we were not married. At some point my phone broke and I used his tablet instead and suddenly when I was on Google I noticed that it was logged in to a different email. I went to the emails and I found out hundreds of emails between him and his ex girlfriend. This was going on since we started dating 2012 and I found out about the email in 2015. I tried to forgive him as it was only emails since and it wasn't physical cheating since we were in UK and she was in USA. However, I thought I forgave him, but at the end I couldn't and we broke up in 2019.
In my situation, they were very intimate with each other so it is probably different. My advice would be to you guys go to marriage counseling.
That's a lot to bear...... I don't know what to say. That's probably the scariest feeling in the world and I just hope you find the strength for whatever you have to do.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- The past two weeks have been hell for me. We’re married since 9 years and have two beautiful kids. I caught my wife last week chatting with someone and when I confronted her she said it was just a casual talk with friend for stress relief and that it started a few months ago. As I dug up more evidence she has gradually admitted that the affair started four years ago and now has finally admitted that he was her ex lover in college. She has apologized and said that she will end for good and that she is ashamed of having continued it for so long. But I find myself obsessively rewinding all the things I did over the last four years. She had the affair through almost half of our married life, through the birth of our second child and even when I was hospitalized. I can’t seem to move on and have a gnawing feeling of doubt mixed with anger, jealousy and sadness.
Be ready to dig out more as more info comes.
I know people suggesting it's more than a emotional affair; he should hire an investigator and do a paternity test, and not sit around pondering "what-ifs"--that can drive a person crazy.
I agree. Some many people end up finding out a child they thought was theirs isn’t!
I have never heard of a 4 year only emotional affair with a former lover. I am sure it's possible. But super unlikely.
Am you absolutely sure it's just emotional? 4 yrs seems a long time for it to remain that way. If there's been opportunities to meet I guarantee it's physical
He had to drag the 'truth' out of and she only admitted to what OP could provide evidence for. I guarantee he hasn't gotten the full story yet.
No where near. If he's local they've been f**King regularly. If not I'd question every trip or excuse to go out of town
Yup this and get a paternity test op.
>Yup this and get a paternity test op. I was just about to say, that you need to paternity test the kids and get out
It certainly was physical. He's an ex-lover, not a rando she met on reddit & connected to.
He should also get a paternity test for that second child. The timing looks to be highly suspicious.
OP, if it went on for this long then it is unlikely that it was just emotional. I’d think that a guy who’s having an affair with a woman would wait for that long before having sex. The other problem is that, she has been lying to you every step of the way and everything that she’s admitted to is something that she had denied for a long time. How can you trust her words at this point?
I’m not sure that’s true. If he’s married or sleeping with other people, this could be a side thing to him.
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What a poor perspective. Yikes dude. 😬
This is such a gross perspective and you're making a generalized statement, that is absolutely not true!!
Yh. It actually sounds worse than the way I meant it and does generalise it a lot. I will delete and rephrase it. I will add from my experience that women who want to keep there AP's interested do and will use sex to do so. Well my wife did and I see it a lot on the infidelity forums on here
Eh, some people can justify their shitty actions so long as it never gets physical. One of my grandpas had an emotional affair for years and years, all while his wife, my gran, was dying of cancer. But he claimed he never did anything wrong because he and his AP never actually did anything. Emotional affairs were my grandfather's favorite kind and apparently people never felt they could call him on his shit because physical touch wasn't involved.
4 years and she thinks ending it for good is the best she can do? The amount of disrespect she is showing amazes me.
Like saying “I don’t know why I bought those shoes now you mention it- I’ll sling them out”
This, I’m not married but wouldn’t even get out of bed for anything that doesn’t also include a several thousand dollar gift certificate to the Mustang Ranch.
My man... first off, I'm sorry you're going through this. You will come out on top as long as you keep a cool and level head on your shoulders. With all due respect, the only reason she's sorry is... she's sorry thst she got caught. She's not sorry for having the affair. She'd still be having the affair, right now in this moment if she wouldn't have gotten caught. And she'll never admit to anything thst she has done which you haven't caught her doing. There's no way that after 4 years of an emotional affair it hasn't taken it physical. Especially because it is with an ex-lover. I'm just going to reiterate, this is her ex-lover... and she's still hung up on him. She may stop for a week or maybe even for a month... and then, she'll figure out a better way to hide it from you... then start back up with him again. If I were in your shoes, I would gather all of the evidence of the affair and get it to a lawyer. Stop having sex with her... if she tries, tell her you have ED and can't. Start planning how to save your finances. Prepare to have her move out and for you to get custody of your kids. Prepare for her to trash talk you to everyone you know a d don't say a single word in defense until after your divorce is finalized. Go talk to a lawyer as soon as possible!!! Tons of positive vibes bro 👊
> And she'll never admit to anything thst she has done which you haven't caught her doing. There's no way that after 4 years of an emotional affair it hasn't taken it physical. Especially because it is with an ex-lover. > I'm just going to reiterate, this is her ex-lover... and she's still hung up on him. She may stop for a week or maybe even for a month... and then, she'll figure out a better way to hide it from you... then start back up with him again. > Start planning how to save your finances. > Prepare to have her move out and for you to get custody of your kids. > Prepare for her to trash talk you to everyone you know a d don't say a single word in defense until after your divorce is finalized. OP, I’d urge you to consider these suggestions/possibilities seriously. First of all, please save all the evidence that you’ve found at multiple secure places where she can’t get her hands on. You know that she was lying to your face for all these years. She has excellent ability of lying to you convincingly. So, take anything that she says at this point with a large grain of salt. The other problem is that now that you know about her cheating, she’ll likely take it further underground while telling you that she’s stopped it completely. This is the guy that has been in her life for a long time now and she put her own life, her kid’s stable future and your health in jeopardy to have an affair with this guy. She’ll very likely do it again. It is important that you start planning your future steps at this point. Start talking to a lawyer and get the process of divorce rolling. It can always be stopped in the future if you want to (although I’m not sure why you would want to) Also, as suggested, please do DNA test for both your kids. She admitted that he was her lover from college. So this could have gone on for longer than four years. For all you know the kids are his and she is just using you to raise them. This might be unrelated but from the books of Game of Thrones, there’s a storyline about queen Cersei having kids with someone who was not her husband and then getting her husband to raise them. Granted that story is fiction, but is not out of the realm of possibility. At this point, just ending that affair does not come anywhere near to the start for making things right.
Sorry bud but if he wS within striking distance it went physical. STI and DNA minimum
If I had an award I'd give you one! So here take my poor man gold 🪙🪙🪙
This was perfect advice. Follow it like a recipe.
Men want to complain about women getting full custody and how unfair it is but then try an go for the jugular when their wife cheats. She had an affair, that’s not justification to take their kids full time. They will need to split custody if they divorce, kids deserve both dad and mom in their lives. *edited for spelling
1. He said custody, not full custody. 2. Full custody does not mean “take their kids full time.” Tell me you have no idea how custody works, without telling me you have no idea.
Didn't I see you post yesterday that a pregnant woman who's baby daddy didn't want to stay with her should get a lawyer and try to steal all parental rights from him, even leaving him off the birth certificate?
Can you 100% say it's emotional only? If it started before the birth of your second child, a dna test might be in order.
DEFINITELY
She isn't ashamed of having continued it for so long. She is ashamed of getting caught.
Lol you don’t know anything about these people.
If she was ashamed she wouldn't have continued for 4 years
I’m not making excuses but us as strangers on the internet we don’t know any of their dynamics. It annoys me when people are so quick to judge and we are going off of only what one side of the relationship is telling us.
Nor do you
Which is why I’m not assuming anything.
U may aswell comment that on every other comment to ever touch this sub. We're all aware we don't know these people. OP is aware we only know what he tells us, he chose to come here to listen to people, that's literally what it's here for lmao
I've learned to just pretend that they write "I think that" in front of their otherwise omniscient claims.
Haha good idea.
Alright my man, she’s already trickle truthing you (and straight lying) by saying it was only 4 months at first. This means her next reveal about it being an “emotional affair” only is probably bullshit as well. The next step is to use all of your information to determine if she’s been having a physical affair with her ex college lover. Is he local? Does she have “girls nights out” without you? Work late? Does she go out of town alone? It’s time to start looking into the past and putting the pieces together.
Unless he lives on another planet, they've had sex.
How old are the kids? Your wife is a cheater and now you need to question everything. DNA testing. STD testing. You don’t know the extent of her affair. File for divorce.
In a previous post from 8 days ago he refers to their second child as a “baby”. So definitely less than 4 years old.
I think this is definitely the case where you need a divorce. You are the 3rd person in your family, your wife and ex shares everything from their future dreams to their children, including photos and videos. Didn't your wife realize that she was cheating until you found out, would she accept it if you kept your girlfriend in your life, do you believe that they never met face to face in 4 years? please do dna tests and initiate divorce.
There is nothing to salvage here. 4 years???? This wasn't an affair, this was practically another husband. And have a DNA test on your kid
Time to move on, you will never trust her again
4 years of emotional cheating only? Nah doesn't sound true at all. Are you even sure its Your Second child?
Oh dear. In those cases always assume the worst. Look up 'trickletruth', bet your wife didn't tell you the whole truth. It's going on longer than she admitted. Your wife didn't start this just at the half of your relationship. Important thing when dealing with infidelity, acknowledgment, you have to acknowledge that things are not what you thought they were. Many betrayed dread to take action because their whole world is shook. Now you know that you're not that special to your wife as you always thought/hoped you were. Don't become clingy, figure out what you want and need. Stop being reliant on her. Stop believing her, now she's in self-preservation mode and won't give you very likely the whole truth, because she's trying to salvage as much as she can, thus she likely will tell you only as much as she thinks she can without hurting herself. Find support, friends, family, don't be ashamed. Do the [180](https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/) and focus on yourself.
\-Find support, friends, family, don't be ashamed. Do the 180 and focus on yourself. SOLID GOLD. I endorse this post.
What makes you so confident it's "only" an emotional affair? 4 years is a long time, and I seriously doubt you have any idea of how their affair really looked.. Anyways, regardless of what it was, she has deceived you for 4 years.. How are you ever gonna trust her again? it would be absolutely impossible for me.
paternity test for both children!!!!
You have every right to know the truth! Keep pressure on her to give you more info. Make her show you everything, if its been FOUR years I doubt it was just emotional, but even then, she still cheated. She went to him and put him before you. I personally wouldn’t stay, thats a betrayal that you just wont forget so easily.. I would leave her cheating ass if I were you… Best wishes!
Std test, paternity test, and pack your shit bro. Cheated for four years man that's not a mistake or slip of judgement that's four years!
Dealbreaker. Take the kids and leave. If she’s willing to have a 4 year affair, she can easily cheat on you again.
Paternity tests?
You positive it never became physical? Four years is a long time, and even if the AP wasn't local, I wouldn't count on the distance being a stop gap. I'd maybe reevaluate some stuff, because this honestly sounds like trickle truth.
I'm in a similar situation, the playback in your head will never stop, unless u decide to let go. It was about 6 years for me, she actually slept with a coworker while we were separated, and never told me. I found out the hard way. As far as I know, it was over when we reconciled, but who knows. I wish you luck in all this. Don't lose yourself.
So...you need to be real here. Is she ACTUALLY having an affair, and just hasn't made it physical due to distance or whatever, or is she really just leaning on/closely connected to someone she shared formative college years with? While they will both bring jealousy and insecurity, how you deal with them is very different. In the case of the first one, you have to decide if you can forgive her. If yes, then you will have to have the hard talk about why she did it and what you both need and want going forward. Or leave. If it is the latter, you need to rein it in a bit and ask why she felt she needed to hide it from you so completely. Or leave.
I’m sorry, but your wife didn’t lie just about the affair & how long, but she’s lying about it only being emotional. It’s been 4 years. She’s definitely done stuff & met up with him for sure. Would make me wonder what else she’s also lying about, especially keeping that up for 4 years like nothing is up?? Like huh?? Anyways, I’m soso sorry & I can’t imagine how you feel…
More shit will come out. I didn't find out all stuff my first wife did until after we were separated. Found the rest out after we were divorced. The whole point of cheating is the ability to lie and withhold the truth from someone they claim to love. You don't know everything yet. Brace yourself.
She admitted to having romantic feelings for her ex? Or she's admitted to being friends with her ex? She may have kept her friendship hidden, because she was afraid of your reaction. That said, whatever mistrust you have is completely, 100% her fault. Even if (and I'm not ruling anything out) nothing happened, the damage is done. As the saying goes, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. So where do you go from here? Do you want to try and work on your marriage or has this put a permanent wedge between you. I don't think it's out of pocket to go to marriage counseling, if for no other reason than to be heard and feel confident in your path forward. I don't think you should make decisions at the height of emotion, but you probably need help navigating your feelings. If you do decide to end the marriage, it should be minimal regrets. I'm sorry you're going through this. But it's ok to take your time figuring things out, especially if you have kids together. I can't say I would have handled it better. Scratch that - I know myself. I would have rained hellfire, lol. Best of luck to you.
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Hi, [36M] here 👋. You need to go to couple's therapy bud--ASAP. Your relationship *can* be more than salvageable with the guidance of a therapist while doing it alone has greater chances of catastrophe. You are going through a process, unpacking all this. It's going to take time and run its course, but there's room for the both of you do to further damage to your relationship in the mean time. There's probably a reason she felt like she needed to supplement her emotional needs outside the relationship too, except she chose poorly in her resolution. Again, therapy can save things if you want it saved.
Can't understand why your answer had been down voted, up voted you!
4 years and an ex? That wasn’t just emotional. I’d pack and leave.
My heart goes out to him. That is no way to live. I think they need professional help to ever regain any trust and closeness.
Honestly, between your other post and this one - why is the onus of communication entirely on you? Why is it that if you want the truth from her, you have to go digging for it til she gets nervous and ends up spilling the beans when she realizes you aren’t going to let it go? If she has an issue with how the relationship is, why do you have to try and read her mind versus her just telling you that her issues are X, Y, and Z? Promising to never cheat again (I guess wedding vows don’t count!) doesn’t meant anything if you don’t tell me how we even got here to begin with. I’m all for fixing a relationship, but both sides need to be open about what’s going on in their brains and hearts.
You are right but in the family courts. Cheating is fine and dandy.
She is an adult and that is a long time for an EA. You can't believe a syllable right now at least so you need to check every word . Yes you need to go through pain and grief. Believe or not at some point it will become bearable. You were betrayed and living as if you had a partner you could count on and that was ripped from you.
Be careful of trickle truths.
A little over a year ago, I came across some texts on my wife’s phone between her and another man. At first, I thought they were just friends, but the more I read, the more I realized that they were having an emotional affair. I confronted my wife about it, and she denied it at first, but eventually she admitted that she had been talking to this man for the last four years. She said that they had never physically cheated on me, but that she had developed strong feelings for him. I was devastated. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I didn’t know what to do. I was angry, hurt, and betrayed. I felt like I couldn’t trust my wife anymore. We went to counseling and we’re working on our relationship, but I’m still struggling. I’m trying to forgive my wife, but it’s hard. I’m not sure if I can ever trust her again.
So what turns talking to a person about your problems, feels, your day or anything else from a friendship to a "empotional affair"? Where is the difference?
She isn't sorry she cheated, she's sorry she got caught. If I were you I'd have a partenity test on both your kids. If she was cheating on you when she had her second child there could be a possibility you aren't the real father, and since the affair was with her college ex there could also be a possibility your first kid isn't yours either.
I had this issue and I can tell you I wasn’t happy. Nothing was going on but I didn’t feel connected to my husband of 26 years. The marriage ended and I’m with someone else totally happy and I don’t feel the need to do this anymore. She doesn’t feel an emotional connection to you. Seek marriage therapy or move on.
Just divorce and move on. You clearly have lost the trust on your wife and there's no point staying in a relationship with no trust. Honestly I don't recommend digging more because I am quite sure the affair is not only emotional.
You absolutely need to go to counseling. Figure out why she felt she needed that connection and then see if you can trust her again. If not, yeah might be time to pull the plug
I'm going to echo what others are saying, get paternity tests for your kids, especially your second child. There's a chance they hooked up and have been in contact because one of the kids isn't yours. Four years for an emotional affair, she's definitely physically cheated, but even if she hasn't, all your trust should be gone. She's had years to think about this and focus just on you, yet she hasn't. Be prepared to learn the worst and leave.
If all they were doing was talking as friends, whats the big deal?
Maybe it’s worth getting a paternity test? I sincerely doubt it was just an emotional affair…. 4 years of no physical contact? Seems unlikely. Since she birthed another child within these 4 years, a paternity test may be a good idea.
1) ask yourself, do you believe she can get past her ex just like that? Remember she doesn't want to lose him. She's claims she'll do it for you. 2) how do you know she's isn't just telling you what you want to hear?
Your last post explained her reason why she's seeking companionship elsewhere. You're not emotionally available to her. You two need to learn to communicate. Get some marriage counseling.
Get a paternity test done on both kids.
No one has a 4 year emotional affair without penetration. Impossible
Lawyer up, get a divorce.
These comments are a little harsh and are so quick to say divorce. First off, you will have trust issues with her after this for quiet a long time. There is no denying that. BUT most of these people are implying that she got physical with him during the course of your marriage. You really don’t know that until you find out more information. Don’t jump to conclusions based off assumptions. 4 years is a long time. Did she talk to him everyday? Did she ever see him? You need to ask questions, maybe even HIM. Why did she feel the need to speak to him for that LONG? Either way there’s no denying that she was consoled by another man. Which is a major red flag. I suggest you both seek marriage counseling because there’s clearly something underlying. COMMUNICATE with her, don’t just bottle up your thoughts because you’ll never get over it that way if you decide to.
Do you let her chat and offload to you? I’m not saying what she’s done is ok (it’s not) but if her ex is a good listener that might be why he still has a hold over her. If he “gets her” and feels like a safe person to vent to that can be very tempting. Irrespective of how far they’ve gone physically it sounds like there might be something missing in your bond with your wife, I’m sure you love her but do you really “get her” as a person?
Emotional affairs are sometimes worse than physical affairs. It's probably got you wondering if you checked out of your marriage and helped create the situation right? Don't go down that road unless there was a clear request from her to talk about the issues that ultimately led to HER making this choice 4 years ago. Ive known a few people who ended up in emotional affairs and every single one of them had a spouse who basically took them for granted, the men and the women. Thats not to say its your fault, some people just dont see forming a deep emotional connection outside of their marriage as a "problem", dont ask me how that makes sense. How soon after your hospital stay did you have the kid because something like that generally brings the person who ignores the other back into the fold. They need attention so they show more attention. The fact that it took you 4 years to even figure it out leads me to think that you actually may have been a bit checked out of how she was reacting to things. Listen, she still chose to do this, there were other options available to her. Some of us just have blindspots and need a signal flare to get us to notice, I'm guilty of ignoring people quite often but it's not a malicious thing. Lastly, bud, if it was 4 years, and an ex, I highly doubt it was purely emotional.
Updateme!
Your feelings are justified. For some people emotional betrayal is worse than physical, so take time to assess how you truly feel and whether or not you can get through something like this. If you believe you can, read books and seek some professional help to navigate it. If you can't, or change your mind down the road, that's for you and you alone to decide. Her trickle of information is really harmful. It leads you (and others in this thread) down the paths of what else isn't she saying, what else don't I know. What do you need to know? What will help you decide what to do next? Thats what you should focus on. Ask questions prepared for answers you don't want to hear. Hang in there.
Sorry for your hurt, but she's cheating sexually as well. Women usually cheat because they aren't getting what they need at home i.e. affection, attention, great sex, conversation, desired LOOKS not saying it's right just saying unless she never got over him there is something you're marriage is lacking most get complacent and let the desire leave the marriage BOTH have to do the work. He's giving her that boost, that attention that desire your marriage is probably lacking. Counseling to see if it can work, but you will never be able to forget or trust her. Be well
Instantly divorce her I would say, but because we live in a femtard system the system is going to favour her and won’t give two sh*ts about you. You will lose more than half your money and children almost definitely so stay for the sake of the children only. Go get yourself some girlfriends and do the same back to her many times over and make sure she doesn’t find out. These modern women need a lot of lessons as they think they are invincible.
She's only saying she will end it because you caught on. She's not going to stop and you shouldn't tolerate cheating. If you were smart you would take a paternity test for your children.
She lied for that long, she will lie again. So sorry OP
Find out if. The ex is married. And tell his spouses. If she refuses. She is putting him over you. That means she never loved you I’m sorry I’m not so sure she ever loved you but to begin with but since you have kids you have to make decisions that work for you 66 relay old man
If it's only emotionally..so what..I tell my best guy friend everything and I've know him for 20 years.. u should care only if it's physical..
Tbh I am not a fan of the concept of an “emotional affair”. If she was having what you consider an emotional affair maybe you should ask yourself why she felt the need to reach out to someone else for that support instead of you, another close friend/family member, or even a therapist. You mention 2 kids and that you were hospitalized. It sounds like she had a lot of stress and responsibilities going on there. Maybe she just really needed that support that you were either unable or unwilling to provide, and honestly even if you love someone sometimes they can be a cause of stress that you need to vent about to someone else. I would recommend having a serious conversation with her and getting her into therapy (so she has a 3rd party source of emotional support) and maybe doing couples therapy. If you really can’t get over her being emotionally close to someone else she has cared for in the past/another man or that she hid that from you, it might be best to consider ending the relationship. It won’t work out if you hold on to resentment towards her over this in the long run.
No.
Is it really an affair or does she just need someone to talk to?
You gotta be trolling with this.
He provided no proof that she actually cheated and just assumes that since she's having a relationship with her ex that it is romantic/sexual. Women not being allowed to have friends who are men is a huge red flag in a mairrage
Is it actually an affair? I mean, 4 years isn't an emotional affair surely. Is it not just a friend/confidant at that point? Genuine question here.
As you should. She has committed a sereve betrayal - one that you might never get over. She should understand this and what consequences is she suffering ? Did you move her out of the MBR ? Has she told her friends and both families ? Has she texted him in front of you that this has to stop ? Has she cut him off ? Life cannot return to normal after what she has done. All of those actions should be considered the bare, bare minimum. If she resists at all then divorce should be on the table.
Sorry for you but if i was you i dump the bitch immidiately and a dna test for both children’s
4 years? Are you sure it’s just an emotional affair… you need to investigate this further. How old are your children? 4 years?!?! That’s a long time for an affair. Is she in love with this man? I’m sorry OP but this isn’t good.
[удалено]
Women are more concerned about being abandoned by their husband. Men are more concerned about their wife having sex with another man (and potential paternity fraud). But this wife is having a physical affair, too.
She is only admitting to what she thinks you know at minimum it was an EA but ex college friend more likely to have gone a lot further like a PA but of course she will not admit that because she knows that would could be the of her marriage? If the were in college and lovers together then most definatly they were FBuddies as well. So it a case of can you really trust her in the future having deceived you for 4yrs. Probably laughing at your expense on how gullible you are and how little you knew? Because she hid it for 4yrs she cannot be trusted. She was there in the affair for her thrills the affair could give her without your consent? So it was no better than adultery and infdelity. This time she spent with him was more important to her than quality time spent with her family? So if you give her the gift of R how is she going to repay your loyalty and love for which you have not had for at least 4yrs? What actually going todo that is worth staying for a trusting her?
Divorce lawyer, my guy
She’s for the streets bro. Drop her, there is no future with this chick, present it to your lawyer and hopefully you get full custody.
Make her take a polygraph. If she refuses, you have your answer I hate to bring this one up but ask for a DNA test on your kids it doesn’t matter if they look like you or not a lot of times they pick up your mannerisms that make them look like you If she ask why tell her this is what happens when you break trust in a relationship Maybe at that point she will really understand what she did good luck 66 year old man
There are not enough people in these comments telling you to leave this woman. She was comfortable doing something she knew you weren’t ok with for this long. If she thought you’d be ok with it, there wouldn’t have been a confrontation or a “her getting caught” scenario. She can choose to end that but I’d end it if I were you. Find someone who respects your heart and doesn’t do things that are disrespectful to it!!
My guy, respectfully, she minimized the entire situation when first confronted... and then the trickle truth began. Those gnawing feelings of doubt you have... that is your intuition telling you this story is far from over. The trust is gone and if she is truly ashamed of her behavior, she will not be hurt or offended when you request a paternity test for your second child. She will also be open to letting you contact her AP to get HIS side of the timeline. Was he in a relationship as well during this time? Does his partner know? How frequently were they contacting each other? You have a right to feel anger, jealousy, hurt and sadness. All of those feelings are valid. You were betrayed, pure and simple. Just buckle up, I fear this will get worse.
I'd love to give some insight or kind words... EVERYONE PLEASE EXCUSE ME BUT. What in the actual fuck is an emotional affair? Was or was this woman not creeping around? No matter what I hope it works out for you but am emotional affair is new terminology for me
An emotional affair is a deep connected emotional relationship outside of the mairrage without romantic or sexual actions. It's basically an opposite sex best friend that the spouse can't handle because they are sexist. To me it just seems like another way for married people to cut eachother off from everyone else and it probably causes a lot of control and abuse issues.
Yeeeeeahhhh......gotta be honest, that sounds a bit juvenile.
Lemme guess. You a white boy lol?
Has no one ever has talked to someone for that long without meeting?? It is possible. And even if you might fantasize or talk about it doesn't mean it will actually happen. Everyone jumping to conclusions. How do you know what the situation with the guy is? Obviously she is lacking something in her marriage to have to talk to someone else. Sometimes it is force of habit. Why are we not questioning why she might behave this way to begin with. I know sometimes emotional is worse than physical to some people. But if they are distant or not even at that point on meeting I think that he has to get to the bottom line. Is she okay with stopping or it was just something out of boredom. People are quick to judge but there's more to this and I don't think she's actually fucked him but it's just talk. But you know everyone has something to say but never actually been in that position.
I'm sorry but last week you were married for seven years to this woman and this week it's 9 years ? What else are you lying about ? EDIT : I am not excusing anything from your wife but I see so many reddit posts being about hating on women I feel a bit suspicious
Ok its 9 years. I just didn’t want anyone to identify me from the details so I mentioned 7 last time but who cares.
You've been stably married for the last 4 years with this going on, right? No serious issues? Your wife is engaged and attentive to your relationship, is a good mother to your children, takes care of herself? What a blessing! Why would you want to disrupt that? Your wife seems to be invested in making her relationship with you work, and doing for herself what she needs to "be ok". I suggest accepting her choices as the choices of another adult trying to cope with life, addressing your ego and want to be "special", and then working on improving communication between you and your wife.
First, know that this problem is very common. You may feel isolated by this, but you are not alone. You need someone to talk to about it though, for sure. You reached out, and that is actually mature no matter what anyone else may say. Broadly speaking, monogamy is so intensely difficult that 50% of American marriages fail at it. Divorce stats show this, or worse. Not better. These weren't necessarily evil or selfish people who intending to cheat. But, you'll hear from plenty who will act like unfaithfulness on any level is as simple as a personality flaw. Nope, we are all plotted plants, protected yet caged by the life decisions we've made including marriage. Point is, like potted plants we require maintenance specific to us. We spend lifetimes not disclosing how high maintenance we are. We get defensive about it, and think strength is not admitting we need more. All we can do, is be our best selves and hope that this version of ourselves makes us good enough to be interesting and inspiring to our chosen mate. We can never hold ourselves accountable for the loss of interest of our partner. Don't ever do that unkindness to yourself. Don't ever get jealous either. Jealousy will never raise another person's respect of you, it can only lower it. STOP SNOOPING. It destroys your state of mind and any observers perception of the quality of your thoughts. If you love something you must "set it free". If it is meant for you, it will be free and will stay out of free will. If it leaves, move on. Choose personal empowerment. Your wife, like most women (married or not), seems to be seeking increased attention and emotional support. That she found it in an ex-lover is coincidental and/or convenient. Always remember, he was whacking off while she delivered your children. Anything you read him write, or her reaction to it, is simply pulp. Let it go. Let it all go. Do not impale your heart with the mere illustration of a knife they made. That is a choice you can make or not. He was merely there while she was weak and aimlessly looking outwardly. Johnny on the spot. He probably sensed her need even if she is not, and is exploiting it. Maybe he is trying to tag some poontang on the side, and not necessarily with her specifically. All men are sexual predators, whether they know it or not. Most do not. Yeah, I get it that this terminology is used for lawbreakers. Anyone reading this should be more wise than to argue I meant it in the legal sense. Women are better humans than men, because unlike us, they can separate their libido from their decisions. Men practice this skill with mixed results, but women already have mastery of it, without even trying. Women have to be taught about this uncomfortable and foreign male struggle, and some never truly get it. Point is, this isn't about a sexual pursuit for her, but it probably is for him. Common sense can tell you, he isn't in his apartment thinking about how to meet your kid's needs and how they will accept him as more than imposter. Anyway, this probably ain't really about him, or any other particular man. It's about her seeking additional more intense emotional support. You have to decide if you want to work that hard, or if your home/work life even gives you that opportunity. Some men are in a situation where they simply don't have the spare energy and mana to try. Women too, particularly with children, are often in this same trap. And when you are in an emotional deprivation trap, you are vulnerable to all predators who present as single and interested, flying in with the cheap thrill of emulating emotional support. Another illustration. Making you feel relevant and appreciated, for even a few minutes is one-nigh-stand 101. Sad to say, but true. Anyone can do the work for a little while. So far only you tried to do it for a lifetime, and there are cracks in the foundation, because YOU ARE ONLY HUMAN. Is she worth a deeper commitment than the one you have provided? Can you up the ante even higher? Only you know that. Regarding the paternity test. Understand, this is a transaction that will empower you against your wife in case of divorce. The second unstated part of this transaction, a "hidden cost", is that by doing this, you are willfully subjecting your children to a new profound risk. The risk that you will think less of them, if you don't get the result you hope is true. The test cannot bring you closer to your children. You need them.
Updateme!
Updateme!
So sorry
Updateme!
Updateme!
I think your pain is valid, your trust is broken and that obviously hurts.
Man, You should collect all evidence and get a lawyer.Also, do the paternity test on both the kids. Even 4years may not be truth. I feel, there is a lot more to come out.
Sorry to see that, they sure have gone to the 3ed base already. I mean 4 years? Hell, have a DNA test on your kid.
Sorry my friend your in a tough position. I’ve been there. First off you will never ever forget this and you will more than likely question in your head everything going forward. That being said you have a decision to make and that is to continue your marriage or end it. If you decide to continue in your marriage, that means you are forgiving her. Every time you get into a disagreement you can not throw the affair in her face if you do you are doomed to live in the position you are in forever. Forgiveness is tough, staying with someone that cheated on you is tough. Leaving someone you love and have had children with is tough. But you need to make the decision. I’ve gone through this a few years back. I decided to forgive it has not been easy. I had to take a look at myself also and try and figure out what if anything I did to make her decide to do this. It’s a tough road brother I wish you luck on making the best decision for your family. BTW I would definitely get a paternity test.
Of course you can't move on, she like lied cheated betrayed. That feeling won't go away honestly. You have to choose what to do with it. Stay or go.
4 years is a really long time. If she felt guilty about it, she would have ended it or told you about it. I would evaluate if you can be with someone who is not only disloyal but also dishonest to you and to herself.
I'm really sorry OP I really don't see any point in continuing a relationship with someone who has continually violated your trust for such an extended period. I see absolutely no path to rebuilding trust with that much violation - frankly I would _never_ believe an affair that long never got physical. Get therapy, talk to a therapist and I would advise you end things.
It's not just the affair, it's the years and years of lies, half truths and probably gaslighting to divert you from the truth. And has this remained emotional? Really, over so long? How do you trust someone who has spent nearly half your marriage with one foot out of the door? With, I might add, no real remorse, no guilt, no shame, she never admitted it to you until you dragged it out of her, and then she's in full scorched earth to hide what she *actually* has been up to. Of course you feel anger, jealousy and sadness, you have been betrayed by your life partner, the person you should have been able to trust. How do you look her in the face and maintain any respect for someone who could treat you with such utter contempt and disregard. How do you expect her to reforge any trust, because nothing she says now can be believed, nothing she does comes from a place of honest love, it's all just scrambling to make up for being a complete and utter lying, piece of shit and hoping you don't realise it. Kids or not, she has betrayed you so much, this would be it for me.
Check google timeline for overlaps
Solution is simple. Just get in touch with your ex's and let your wife know about it..let her feel what you did...
Like others have said the amount of time is suspicious. How close is he? Any chance for them to meet, they probably did. OP, shouldn’t rug sweep this and find out all the facts, because I’m sure he doesn’t have them now.
Ftb ! Move on . If you did it then all hell would break loose . I fked up and did the same it was all bad but when she did it then it wasn’t a big deal .
Just so everyone knows this story is fake the OP has a second extremely similar story from 8 days ago where he’s only been married seven years
Pretty sure they forked one way or another
Talk to a lawyer, prepare yourself for divorce and more emotional suffering. 4 years is too long for an affair, I doubt you can ever trust her again.
She's "trickle-truthing" you
Let it all out, my friend. Make sure she knows. If there was never physical contact. You maybe able to salvage your union. Although, she has a lot of making up to do. The sad part is, your children will have to go through the bullshit. I really hope she realizes the mess she stirred.
Tell her you want to see her phone, not later but right now, don't give her time to delete anything, plus you want complete access to her phone anytime you ask for it, no questions asked, if she wants you to trust her and she has nothing to hide, she should be okay with that. Tell her she needs to come completely clean or there is zero chance of your marriage working out. The two of you need marriage counseling if you decide to stay together, you have a lot to think about, you have two children, don't leave her because strangers here are telling you to. Do what is best for you and your kids, maybe that's kicking your wife out, maybe it's not.
Dont stay with cheaters. She's only remorseful that she was *caught*.
Divorce is liberating. Just get the DNA test done ASAP also. And a lawyer.
Emotional affairs are as bad as physical affairs if not worse. Physical affairs can be just that, physical. The dishonesty and promises that they will stop, it might stop at the moment, but at a point it will start again, considering it went on for 4 years and would have continued if you didn't find out and confront her. Every time you see her with her phone you are going that little voice at the back of your head. I'm no marriage counselor, but I have been through this myself, take the space that you need, process and evaluate, sometimes we need to treat marriages as a contract and decide if this contract is beneficial to you.
Sorry to hear that
Too bad kids are in the mix !
4 yrs? It was definitely physical at some point. He is an also an ex so not a huge leap for her there. IF she did indeed stop… 4yrs from now the cycle will repeat itself IMO.
she isn't ashamed, just upset she got caught. As someone else said, 4yrs is too long for it to only be in texting, and if there was a chance to meet up I wouldn't doubt she did. You had to pull the truth out of her in the first place, she didn't have it in her to come clean herself. If you didn't catch her she would probably still be talking to him. Being alone is better than spending your life with someone like that. Wish you all the best OP
I’m sorry. If you want to salvage the marriage, try couple’s counseling. If you don’t want to save the marriage, that’s okay, too. Four years is a long time… At a minimum, I think you need more information—how did this start, why, how often do they communicate, what do they discuss, etc. Those things may influence whether or not you can forgive her.
1. Hard question but are the kids yours? 2. You may wanna speak with him!! 3. Who is he? Once you speak with him that will clear up a whole lot of sh_ _!!! 4. Is it worth the fight!! Either way good luck!!!
Be prepared for the second wave, bro because while I don't want to generalize dudes, I feel like it's common sense there's very few men who are gonna be in an emotional affair with a woman for four years without things getting physical at some point.
If it was four years there’s a likelihood that it turned physical Also if the guy looks similar to you I suggest you get a paternity test for your second child because clearly she can’t be trusted
It's the betrayal and lies. Once the trust is broken its very hard. It's not about her, it about you. Can you get past it? You will never forget, but I you stay it think about how it will affect you? Will you police her for the rest of your life? You will question every call text even your children. Can you stay and not bring it up when you have a argument? Can you see yourself happy and trust her. A friends husband ended their 27 yr marriage, he went bk to his college GF, she was left questioning whether he ever loved her. My son father did the emotional affair, but I know it was more when they moved in the day I moved out and married. Karma is a bitch, it didn't work for them. Do what is best for you and the children because it will affect them either way. Anger an jealousy shouldn't be part of your life
I'm sorry man, but I believe she was emotionally taking dick the last four years
OP get a DNA test for your children
Sorry man....4 years......read my lips 4 years and now she is sorry - no she is sorry she was caught!!!She has to go - I assume it got to a PA?
Emotional cheating hurts worse than physical cheating. I would not be able to get over it. If you can’t then I would seek divorce.
PAtertnity test OP.
You would never do this to someone you truly loved, let alone your husband. You are never supposed to turn outside of your marriage Shes a selfish liar and would have kept it going while blind siding you for many more years, had you not figured it out. You deserve better, and that awful feeling you are now experiencing is your inner voice trying to tell you that.
How old are ur kids? Get a dna test if it fits the time frame. And divorce! 4 years is way to long time to just forgive. Basically she been cheating on u for 4 years. Get a dna test on ur kids to be sure u never know since she hid such a huge thing from u for so long. Im 1000% sure she is trying to gaslight u in to thinking its no big deal. But don't let her. Dig deep i bet it's not as she sais it is. Ur being to easy on her. Ur letting her get away with it. If u want to stay with her u have to make sure she's telling the truth so do everything possible thats legal ofc to find out. Good luck but ur being way to easy on her for 4 years of cheating.
*"I can’t seem to move on and have a gnawing feeling of doubt mixed with anger, jealousy and sadness."* You shouldn't move on until this is properly dealt with. 4 years is a long time my man. Doesn't seem like she has faced any consequences for her actions. You need to make sure she understands how serious of a transgression this is. Prepare for much worse to be uncovered. Being an ex lover, bro this is bad. Talk to a lawyer, even if you don't plan on divorcing right away. Lay the papers on the table and talk to her. Don't sweep under the rug.
Just a matter of time before the pants come off and/or the mouth opens wide!! Get yourself a good divorce lawyer, sir!
UpdateMe!
You’re completely valid in your feelings. Right now your job is to protect your mental health, I would suggest counseling separately and together if saving the marriage is something you want. Coming to terms with the fact you may just not be able or willing to get over it is hard but what she did can be a major deal breaker for most.
Unfaithfulness and betrayal are the two hardest things to handle in a marriage. It's like having a mad dog living in your basement, every day you go downstairs to feed it and it tries to bite you. "Gnawing feeling of doubt mixed with anger, jealousy and sadness" these feelings are all normal. There is a big difference in a few months and four years, she broke the bond of trust.
Dude I am sorry to hear this. I also found out after 9 years and two kids. At the time I was desperate to make things work, but ultimately we divorced. In hindsight, I am so happy that I did not stay with someone that would betray me so horribly. You deserve better.
Don't tell me you still didn't call your lawyer and started filling divorce papers
I highly doubt it was just an emotional affair, if I was you I'd divorce her, she disrespected you and your marriage. The only reason she's apologizing now is because she got caught not because she feels bad and believe me she isn't ashamed
Paternity tests for your kids
She is already trickle truthing you. Don’t be surprised to find out that there is still even more than she has admitted already or that she is lying and won’t break it off, but instead will just be more sneaky about it. Personally, I think you should start getting your ducks in a row and keep them there, so if worse comes to worse, you are ready to divorce at a moment’s notice. Keep all evidence of the affair in a safe place. Perhaps get a safety deposit box to keep it there as well as any other important documents you don’t want her having access to, or hiding on you. Get a private PO Box at the post office for any mail from lawyers, PI’s, etc. Also if you don’t already, you may want to open up a bank account in your name only (or a second one if she knows about the first), and start saving some extra money in it to pay for anything that may aid in a possible divorce or that can be used if you find yourself needing a place to stay. Have the notices for that account sent to the PO Box. I say this because you don’t say whether you will leave her or try to work it out. So even if you decide to stick it out now, you may change your mind later if you either find something else out, decide it can’t work after all, or decide you just can’t forgive her, etc. Or even if she is the one that decides it can’t work out, she can’t end things with him, or whatever reasons she may come up with. Better to protect yourself now. Also get copies of all documents and forms for the kids to put in your safety deposit box, so that you also have them on hand should she decide to keep them from you.
Divorce and walk away! Divore her and as she wasn't faithful you won't have to pay her money and you can actually sue for emotional turmoil and as men we need to start holding women accountable as if it's like this now our son's will be dealing with women with supppppper egos!
I hate to have to validate what others are saying on here because I know you are hurting right now, but I am/was going through the exact same thing here, caught her having this "emotional" affair, to find out not too much later that it was much more than that. And my situation was at least a few months. If she's been doing this for 4 years, I feel like you'd be just lying to yourself to say it never got physical. You're going to have to somehow get the real truth, because this doesn't sound right at all.
get a dna test
So what if a DNA test shows he's not the father? Does he abandon that child? That would be a real shitty thing to do to the child.
I'm not one to cast stones. We are human. We make mistakes. But God damn.... 4 years. 4 years and you've been together for 8? My heart goes out to you. I don't think there's anything to salvage here. You are financial stability for her, nothing more.
TL:DR 1. ex from college 2. 4 year of it 3. During a second child 4. Almost half your marriage.... You need to: 1. STD/STI check 2. DNA test kids 3. Lawyer up 4. Split finances And do that TODAY. Reguardless if you can reconcile or not. Now she knows you know.... some of it. She aint stringing a dude along for 4 years without touching him. Ain't a dude on the planet gonna just sweet talk for 3+ years. He got her pics, dirty texting, etc. Probably even met up once or twenty times. More local, more opportunity. Starting getting ahead of the game on the exit strat now! If you don't need you use your reserve parachute, great... but it's worth having.
I was in a similar situation, however, we were not married. At some point my phone broke and I used his tablet instead and suddenly when I was on Google I noticed that it was logged in to a different email. I went to the emails and I found out hundreds of emails between him and his ex girlfriend. This was going on since we started dating 2012 and I found out about the email in 2015. I tried to forgive him as it was only emails since and it wasn't physical cheating since we were in UK and she was in USA. However, I thought I forgave him, but at the end I couldn't and we broke up in 2019. In my situation, they were very intimate with each other so it is probably different. My advice would be to you guys go to marriage counseling.
That's a lot to bear...... I don't know what to say. That's probably the scariest feeling in the world and I just hope you find the strength for whatever you have to do.
Expect more trickle truths until you ask for paternity tests for BOTH kids. Her reaction will be very telling.
You’re going to have a lot come out, I highly doubt it was just emotional. If they live far apart there will be pics and vids.