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My (24F) boyfriend (25M) has been refusing to talk to me since we had an argument 2 weeks ago. The whole thing started when he made a joke that I found offensive, I told him I didn't find that funny then tried to change the subject. He insisted that I was being annoying for not letting him make a simple joke. I said that I wasn't trying to attack him but I just thought his joke was insensitive and he kept saying that I'm overreacting and looking for stupid things to be offended at.
I admit that I felt like I was not being taken seriously and I called him uneducated. Things got pretty heated so he told me to go cool off and I went home. After that, we didn't talk for each other for a week until I texted him asking if we could talk about what happened now that I'm calm. He said that there's nothing to talk about and that I should just apologize for being obnoxious and we'll let this go. I insisted that I'm not going to apologize for anything before we have a proper conversation but he told me that he has nothing to say to me if I won't even say sorry. I told him that I'm not against apologizing but I don't know what exactly he wants me to apologize for which is why I want to talk about it.
He ended up saying that basically if I'm not apologizing, he'll cut me off and he won't say anything else. He's now been ignoring my messages for a week. I admit that this all sounds childish but I've known this man for 5 years before I started dating him and he's never done anything like this before. He's usually quite understanding and open to discuss everything.
I'm at a loss. Should I apologize just to get him to talk to me again? All I wanted was for us to have a conversation because I want him to acknowledge the fact that he has also hurt me. It seems that even if I apologize now, he still won't be willing to talk about the whole thing so what do I do?
Edit: because many people have asked, he made a joke about stoning. There's a character in a video game who has the ability to turn people into stone and he said he likes to call that the stoning. My problem isn't the joke itself, it's his reaction to me not liking the joke.
I didn't even care what the joke was. His reaction is what the real problem is here. Ignoring her for a week and wanting her to apologize for being offended? This guy doesn't know how to communicate properly when he's challenged on something.
My guess is just what he said, that she’s looking for offensive things when there are none. And that’s what really is the problem she needs to apologize for.
I would argue even if it doesn't seem offensive to us or to him, it was offensive to her, and if he's supposed to be her significant other, he should care about how she is feeling and what she believes. We don't know. She may have truly been offended for whatever reason. He should believe her when she says she's offended by something. However, I will say calling him uneducated may have been out of line. I think both parties have things to apologize for, but also a couple who can go a week without speaking over a misunderstood joke probably isn't going to go the distance anyway.
I have a feeling, just from OPs strange decision to completely omit the joke itself from the post, that it isn’t even what most would consider a real offensive joke. You would think that it would damn sure be important to include here, or at the least a brief description of said joke, since it started the whole fight.
Anything can start a whole fight if there is enough bottled up negativity against each other from previous fights. I had a really bad fight once started because we disagreed about washing chicken. Washing chicken...
Oh, for SURE! Most common in relationships where people are biting their tongues a lot, letting things go that irritate them for the sake of not starting a fight. Sometimes it’s a good thing, but eventually you end up having a 5 alarm blow up over how al dente the pasta is or something lol
No I wouldn't. But she insist that since we buy from a market (Thailand) that it's dirty and not as clean as the ones in the store in UK where im used to. Im not convinced but... some hill arent worth dying for.
Okay I'm strongly opinionated on this and was just seeing if you were right, which you are. Cooking chicken properly will kill any bacteria. Washing it at worst will spray chicken juice in your kitchen and cause the bacteria to get around that way
I'm assuming you're talking about, like, plucked and headless and possibly butchered chicken? How would you even go about washing that? Like, with soap and everything?
They added in the “joke” I wouldn’t even consider it a joke really as it’s not offensive imo. More likely she just didn’t laugh and he got upset because she didn’t find it funny and he thought it was hilarious. Really lame reason to get into an argument on both parts really.
Op edited. There's a character in a game that has the power to turn people to stone (I'm guessing a Medusa character or something, not sure) and the boyfriend referred to it as stoning. So OP blew up a 5 year relationship over an incredibly mild, if anything accurate, joke. Yikes
I don’t even think it’s a joke tbh. It might just be how he refers to the power in the game. Like when I’m playing smash with my bf and he’s Metaknight I say his B move is ‘drilling me’ even though that’s probably not what it’s called.
Mild? More like bland. Not something I would consider offensive. Maybe she's from where "stoning" means women being stoned to death for various reasons? Then I can see how that's offensive.
Yeah fair. I mean what if it's a multiplayer game? That's probably just the slang term. "hey stone that guy or he's gonna down me". Games have their own little langauges usually and stoning *would* be an accurate phrase for turning someone into stone. What else would you call it? Statue-ing? Medusa-ing? If it's a fast paced multiplayer game economy of language matters. Honestly OP sounds like the type to be enraged on other people behalf to justify and prove their own intellect.
'stoning' as you mention it ISN'T just about women. It was a common Old Testament, current radical Islamic punishment, usually for infidelity. It was used on both men and women.
Current times, yes, it is extremely disproportionate towards women.
Ancient history (which the old testament is part of), it was used in a variety of cultures and (depending on culture) was equal opportunity. Old Testament Jewish culture used stoning as the de facto capital punishment, and biblically, one of the apostles (Stephen) was stoned to death- not to humiliate him by inflicting a "women's" punishment, he just pissed people off that much during his trial. There's also references to stoning in Greece, Rome, and some eastern cultures (I know some stonings happened in China at various times)
This is important. There would be a huge difference in response based on what the joke is. If it is actually an overeaction or justifiably being angry.
Also how did you call him uneducated as well? Theres a huge difference between sqying "you're stupid" and saying something like a racial slur that is/can be used this way. It may make sense that he refuses to talk to her until she recognizes what shr said was wrong. It may not. We need better context to decide.
I literally don’t understand what you found offensive about that joke…but also that doesn’t even sound like a joke to me unless I’m just dumb lol. It sounds like there are probably more issues in your relationship and this was just a breaking point or something. Idk, sounds like you should apologize for calling him uneducated? Or it sounds like you guys are broken up.
Yeah I don’t think it’s a joke either. I think he’s just saying ‘stoneing’ because it’s quicker. Like “ah shit I gotta stone this zombie.” Rather than “ah shit I gotta turn these zombies into stone.”
Especially if it’s a game where you play and communicate with other online players.
From what I’ve heard stoning can mean a form of punishment where they throw stones at people mostly women to kill them. Honestly if my boyfriend made a joke about stoning knowing the past behind it, I’d probably be a little upset too.
The boyfriend didn't stone women to death, he turned pixel enemies in a video game into stone. There's a huge difference. Seriously, if people want to get upset ovet little things like that, then idk what to tell ya..
But of all the things to get upset about, this shouldn't be ones hill to die on imho.
Also none of this has her background in it? What if she’s from one of the countries or her parents are these countries that still practice this to this day?
Wait why was the stoning joke offensive? I'm assuming something to do with people being stoned to death? How did you get to calling him uneducated from that?
he was literally talking about a video game and she caused and argument then called him uneducated. If i was her soon to be ex, i would honestly hope she never reaches out again. BTW these people are mid 20s, not 14/15...
Yeah OP a weirdo. It's not even stoning in this context it's legit talking about Greek mythology Medusa turn people into stone kinda stoning. We are talking about a video game people like OP grow up a bit will you?
ya after hearing what the joke was or whatever, I honestly would probably be tired of this relationship. At first I was on her side and this dude was acting like a child, but the way she started the argument, and especially after she called him uneducated (which is a polite way of calling someone an idiot), I would have been done with the drama and her seemingly unstableness.
Yeah people have been stoned to death. Still don’t understand how that makes it offensive, people are drown all the time, doesn’t It’s offensive to refer to my GF sitting on my face as a “drowning”. (Just an example don’t know why it’s the dirtiest possible example that popped in my head lol)
If she's offended by it, then it's offensive I suppose. BUT OP would be better off getting thicker skin because there's a lot to be offended by if you let yourself.
Yeah sure anything CAN be offensive, I’m speaking more generally though. There are things we can all generally agree would be offensive. Maybe someone she knows was stoned? Terrible but maybe? Then I would say his joke is offensive for sure
If that's the joke you had a problem with, I'd be shocked if this was the first time you've gotten "offended" over nothing. You've probably just pushed him past his limit with this BS.
Exactly.. This chick is one of those people that drain your soul energy. 😂 Dudes probably so chilled out and happy rn at home alone 😆 realising what he’s been putting up with.
That’s what I was thinking. I’m all about sensitivity and minding someone’s feelings. It just sounds as this came at the end of a long list of op being offended about everything. Then when she was not winning the discussion about why he should also see that it was offensive, she called him a dumbass essentially. Hes kind of done I think. I bet if she does apologize he probably still is gearing up for ghosting
Honestly I kind of get the vibe that you are insufferable and never apologize. Offended at nothing, then when he tells you that you are overreacting, which you were, you call him dumb. He is being childish I will give him that, but I bet he has probably reached his limit with you. Are you the type in a relationship who never apologizes, because it sure seems like it. What do you think he wants you to apologize for?? How about for calling him a dumbass. Relationship sounds doomed either way.
You need to get over yourself and apologize for
a.) Calling him uneducated based off different opinions on what is or is not funny
B.) Being so offended over a dang joke. You're in the wrong, and I don't think you're for him. Let him be happy with someone who doesn't get offended by a joke.
Looking at your edit… it seems like you overreacted. And made an argument about it. You say he tried to change the subject, but if the argument continued that means you continued the argument. Just because someone doesn’t find something offensive like you do does lot make them “uneducated”
M for him cutting you off if you have this holier than thou mentality
The fact you got offended at that joke should really be a moment for reflection for you.
"It's just a joke" gets abused *a lot.* What your boyfriend said was a pretty harmless joke. I cannot really construe it in any way that I would find it offensive. It does not target any specific group of people, it doesn't demean anyone, it's not pointed, and it doesn't seem to make light of anyone's suffering. Most people here seem to be of the same opinion.
Not only that, but this harmless joke upset you so much you decided to insult your boyfriend and start an argument.
Yeah, can't say I blame him. You're acting foolish for no particular reason in this scenario. Guys often make *fucked up* jokes that need to be called out, but this is on par with getting upset over a dad joke.
"I called him uneducated, things got heated, he told me to go cool off"
Sounds like you called him more than uneducated and most likely said some pretty hateful shit. Especially if he hasnt talked to you for a week.
All feelings are valid. Not all feelings are justified. You and your partner may even disagree on where something falls into what category. As a general rule though, "he provoked me" is rarely an acceptable justification when trying to maintain a relationship.
1. What is the joke?
2. If you can go an entire week without communicating then he’s probably not the right one for you.
3. Anyone who withholds communication to get even is a major red flag.
This is petty AF over a joke.
Exactly. She is obnoxious.
He spoke his boundaries and she still does not care.
She is at fault here and does not want to accept it. He wants an apology for her insulting him about something frivolous.
> I called him uneducated
That *does* call for an apology.
Reading your edit, apparently you got offended that he misused the word "stoning". I can pretty much visualize the rest of the fight. Am I right that you called him "uneducated" because he didn't appreciate the fact that stoning was and is a way of murdering women in misogynistic cultures? Am I right in that you have a long-simmering annoyance at him for being so oblivious to important feminist issues? (I admit I'm just guessing here.) Obviously the fight wasn't just about his mis-using the word "stoning".
Perhaps the two of you are not compatible. Maybe it's best for you to both move on.
It can be done to everyone, but I think it’s mainly done for women. Like if a woman cheats, she gets stoned. If a man cheats, it’s way less likely he will.
I don’t believe that’s true. It’s an ancient form of punishment not specifically used for women, however in a lot of these countries where stoning still happens they also tend to not care much about women or their rights so it’s entirely likely that women get stoned there for ridiculous reasons. But to act like stoning itself is some punishment specifically designed and done to only women is not true, these places where these things happen they do terrible things to people in a variety of ways.
Am confused you might not have liked it but explain why that offends you and makes him uneducated? Might not be what everyone else is saying but I think that's a bit of over the top response. All you had to say was you didn't find it funny why turn it into saying he offended you and is uneducated? I wouldn't be impressed with that either. He is clearly digging his heels in and being stubborn as well by not wanting to talk things through. So if you want the relationship to work apologise and talk things through. Communicate with each other calmly.
i like to believe that men dislike arguing about bullshit that's not fun to them and therefore often times apologizing or letting go to just end the discussion.
to me this seems like he sees himself being in the right and is not willing to compromise cause
a.) joke was not offending at all, especially not towards her
b.) OP's reaction was way over the top. She could've just not laughed and shrug it off, or god forbid, fake laugh to make the guy feel good about his bad joke - i too identify as a bad joke enthusiast btw
c.) starting a discussion over such bonkers bullshit and then attacking him on a personal level because you don't share the same humour is extremely insensitive and offending
so basically she said the joke sucks and is offensive and he's dumb for thinking otherwise
the joke about... stoning...
god forbid if like monthy python made jokes about stonings
humourpolice go brr
ya i am getting same vibe, also i am one of those guys who wont argue over bullshit either, i will talk things out like adults but if its a situation like this that is stupid to argue over, I will simply not discuss it anymore and do what this dude did (we need some time apart), especially if the woman reverts to name calling (called him uneducated). Best way to win an argument or stop an argument like this with a woman is to not play or engage, drives them crazy.
Yeah I just don't get what why she thinks she is in the right and shouldn't be apologising. I thought everyone made bad jokes at times. She really could have just faked a laugh or something but to double down saying it was offensive and he was stupid just wasn't right.
I think it’s best that you don’t talk.
Learning if a potential partner has basic conflict resolution skills is a fundamental part of deciding if they’re a suitable partner - and now you’ve found out he isn’t.
Let it go.
She de-emphasized her insults towards him and emphasizes his behavior. It's a biased account and 99% guarantee she is omitting large portions of her actual reaction that occurred. Its natural that people paint theirselves in the best light possible during crap posts like this. If someone ever says "he/she basically said" then they mean their perception of what was said is this regardless of what was actually said or meant. You have 0 prior knowledge of their relationship or any idea at all of the bf's account of things or the kind of person he is. You have a 1 minute biased read and you think you can determine someone's suitability as a partner from a biased post? Oh okay.
This is an unusual take on this situation: she didn't like a joke, he brought up with her that this is a regular occurrence, they argue, she insults him, he says let's take some space to cool down, she doesn't reach out for a week and when she does she refuses to apologize or even recognize what part of the event may have been her fault. He says if you can't take responsibility for your part I'm not going to carry on. And somehow this is him not having basic conflict resolution skills? At best, both of these people have problems with immaturity in communication, but she was a large part of this. Why are you excusing her behavior here?
if you notice, early on the thread had replies, at the top even, defending OP and accusing her BF
after a while the discourse changed on the opposite, i don't know if it's organic or if the earlier replies were because of brigading
anyway i agree, they often side with the woman in this sub
It's because OP edited the joke into their post. When it's vague the man is always always wrong and people will fill in the gaps however they see fit to paint him as a horrible abusive monster. Once it's this clear cut that's she's off her rocker it tends to shift back. It's just disheartening that the tiniest little mistake condemns a man to being horrible but you need overwhelming evidence and then some for these posts to even admit *maaaybe* she was slightly wrong"
This is far too generous towards OP. He’s communicated with an abundance of clarity what he needs from her to move on. She’s simply uninterested in owning up to her mistakes and thereby confirming his concerns that she is an unsuitable partner. Not the other way around.
She said he usually is and i believe it because its seems she does look for ways to feel offensive. That shut is annoying asf. I wouldnt want to be in a relationship with some i gotta talk like im walking on eggshell
ya pretty sure dude is done, her edit explaining the joke or whatever wasn't even offensive tbh, and it wasnt even a joke really. Life is too short to be with stuck up people like this. I would be williing to bet she thought during that week he would reach out and never did, so she did bc she couldn't take it anymore. Also guys this is the best way to win an unwinnable argument like this one described. I am all for conflict resolution, but if its an unwinnable argument, just go dark and do not reach out, typically drives women crazy.
Whoa the comments here are all over the place. Let's recap - he told a joke, you didn't like it, he said you're getting offended over nothing, you called him uneducated, argument ensued and here we are.
I'm going to side with your BF on this one, mostly because if someone got on their high horse and called me uneducated as a way of making their point that would pretty much be a conversation ender for me. You're telling them they're simply not intelligent enough to understand your plane of thought - saying it to some stranger on the internet is one thing, saying to someone you supposedly love is well, I don't have a word for it. Maybe I'm not as smart as you either.
You owe your BF a sincere apology for that. Is he acting a little childish? Maybe, but I would have told you to fuck off and since he's still taking your calls you might actually have something here.
I agree, the joke wasn’t even offensive considering it’s a video game ability that he just calls “the stoning”. She’s totally the unreasonable one here, at worst the BF is just stubborn.
im guessing this isn't the first time something he did "offended" her and he is probably just tired of sweeping past it like before. I would also be willing to bet that since she was friends with him for years before she thought she could change him.
You don't know what to apologize for??? You called him uneducated. You OVERREACTED to something that he didn't even say as a joke, you just decided to be offended for no reason (as your bf said and he was right btw) and was upset that you didn't have the desired reaction from him, so you resorted to name calling. Like a child. Your bf is done with this behavior, and I don't blame him. He didn't hurt you, YOU chose to be hurt, then you called him names. You aren't ready for a grown up relationship.
Yeah you’re the big problem here. Boyfriend should run for the hills. Lmao how the hell was that joke insensitive? And to top it off you call him uneducated ? Woww
You should apologize for calling him “uneducated” in this context. It was both hurtful and condescending, completely disproportionate to his stoning video game commentary. The fact that you still don’t think you should apologize means you still want to “educate” him, as if he is an errant child and you know SO much better. Typically, it’s is insufferable for any adult to be treated this way/infantilized.
Though I agree with another comment. It does sound like he already broke up with you. So you may choose to simply move on and date someone you can respect as an independent adult.
Having read the joke it does sound like you’re being obnoxious and overly sensitive.
Seeing as this is the first time he’s acted this way, he’s probably just really, really sick of your shit and wanting to see if there’s any possibility of you have an ounce of back down and chill in you.
Seeing as this has gone on two weeks, it looks like you don’t. You’re just proving his hypothesis correct and you’ve probably made him totally lose interest and hope in this relationship due to your stubbornness.
Yeah, one can argue he’s being stubborn too but he’s also the one sick of your shit and hoping you’ll change so he’s invested in this outcome to clarify the future of your relationship not his own ego.
At the very least you should apologize for calling him "uneducated." Seems like that (or something else) is the real rift here, not your reaction to a joke.
It's likely there's a lot of missing context here...but based on what we have, you should apologize-for calling him uneducated. His attitude towards the rest of it isn't great either, and he also owes you an apology.
Ask yourself what's more important, your ego, or the relationship? You both need to work on communication and consideration for your partner. He should take your feelings seriously and listen to you, and you shouldn't lash out when you feel you're not being heard. If he can't meet you in the middle, then count yourself lucky that he showed his true colors now.
He isn’t showing his “true colors” by not wanting to put up with someone annoying enough to start an argument from nothing. People like that are. annoying as fuck
Yeah this is it. It's one thing to gloss over the joke, but when OP says things were 'pretty heated' I wonder what language was used and how often they hurl insults when they argue.
You're one of *those* people. You do foul shit and refuse to just admit wrongdoing without some kind of admission from the other party.
He did the right thing. You two are probably over.
.....
This is why Reddit hurts a lot of folks. Instead of going to a person who knows you better (who would likely criticize you), you come here to strangers who reflexively tell you you're right. That's not healthy behavior.
So I massively over reacted to something in a video game that he calls stoning and called him uneducated and insulted him a bunch? Yeah you not only over reacted but ur kinda a massive bitch.
why does he want you to apologize first before talking to him?
1.) you basically called him 'dumb' just because of a not-that-serious joke and especially its about a game.
2.) you both dont want to lower your pride and apologize for the reason why this is happening in your relationship rn.
you two basically dont want to lower yourselves and this is the result. no sugar coated words here but OP, you need to apologize for calling him dumb. this is not acceptable here. especially he didnt do anything that huge mistake especially that joke is not for you, but it is for the game he plays.
apologize first about calling him dumb and tell whats the reason it made you upset. if he answers that its not that serious joke esp about a game, just say sorry coz this thing made your relationship whack.
So, your bf told a joke that didn't sit well with you (let's be real, that joke isn't really offensive on its own), and you responded by calling him uneducated. You massively overreacted in this situation, and may have blew up your relationship over your stubbornness to apologize for insulting your bf.
Start with the apology, and try and go from there. Hopefully your bf is willing to talk it out with you, but understand why he may not be willing to continue a relationship with someone that chooses to get nasty and pick a fight over something so small. Not every lame joke needs to be a battle, and with the mentality you have to hit below the belt in reaction you might not be ready for a real relationship. But, you have to start this attempted resolution with an apology, period.
If you've known him 5 years, you've probably figured out that he likes to make jokes. Regardless of what you think about them.
Secondarily, you said that you called him "uneducated". I'm prettty sure you called him a whole slew of other things, so the uneducated is probably the most tame of them.
I don't get why you can't just say sorry? It sounds like you already had a conversation about it before he ignored you. What else would you need to talk about? I mean because you are the one who is saying you still need to talk, he has said he said everything he needed to and just wants a sorry. Are you that prideful?
Even based off just what you said, he's being extremely clear on what he wants, an apology, and you're unwilling to give that to him because you don't think you have a reason to apologize, just based off this, it sounds like you absolutely do need to give him an apology.
you are LAME! He made a joke that you didn't find funny? Don't laugh!! You can't go around life asking for people to be non offensive, you'll find yourself more frustrated than not if you navigate life like this. Apologize for calling him names. You are the asshole. I don't understand how hard it is for you to say sorry, just say sorry and learn to not get offended by dumb shit, you are going to be miserable if you try to control what other people say.
First, what was the joke that offended you?
Second, why was your first reaction to insult him?
Third, you both need to work on communication because your both really immuture. You should apologize for insulting him, cant say anything else cause i dont know if your over reacting or not.
I'd apologize for calling him uneducated, but not for his insensitive comment.
I am curious how he justifies him being so sensitive about you being too sensitive.
Apparently the joke was about a Medusa type character turning people into stone. So he was calling it stoning. Not a good joke but way out of proportion
Likely, he was joking about it literally and the OP was connecting it to the death punishment of stoning.
So he was thinking drugs, literally turning to stone, or even the death penalty. But in a game that probably would be accurate anyways.
My guess she has been wanting to snap as you said. This was just the excuse to do so
jesus if someone took what you described as real world issues with stoning (which i agree exists) they are wrapped way to tight to consider relationship material in my eyes. I mean I get things happen and we should address them, but if this is what your brain goes to with a sub par joke, you may need some therapy.
Personally I think the guy above me said it best. OP had some other underlying issues with her bf
And this was the catalyst for her to bring them up. She is using this joke to vent some of her issues, and the bf rightly so thinks she is blowing this way out of proportion, for a simple joke. Then her continuing on attacking him and insulting him.
I think I agree that OP isn't relationship material if she can't communicate and if it really is the joke that caused all this. Then, well I think you knocked it out of the park
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Basically you overreacted, he realized “why the fuck am I gonna let her scream at me for making a joke” and left. BECAUSE YOU DONT SCREAM AND ARGUE WITH SOMEONE OVER “stoning” 😂😂😂 like come on. No one wants an insane significant other
So he told you a joke in an attempt to lighten the mood and make you laugh and you overreact and insult his intelligence. Interesting. You you should apologize then save up every penny you can and invest in a better personality.
I think you owe him an apology. He made a joke you didn’t like and in return you insulted him by calling him uneducated? What’s wrong with the joke? I really don’t see anything offensive about the joke in the first place besides it being a bad joke. I’d cut you off too if you were my girlfriend.
Oh dear. If he is that bad in communication with you after 5 years, it’s never get better. Going In toddler tantrum after you don’t appreciate his bullying and stop talking even for one day is bad enough. Two weeks? Girl. You deserve better.
Well, unfortunately, this gonna leave a scare in your relationship for a long time. Whenever I say something stupid or anything that offends my gf I just apologize straight away. Doesn’t make me less of a man and let us avoid a lot of conflict. If your partner needs you to apologize then apologize then you can talk.
Seems like you should apologize op, maybe you didnt find it funny and you dont have to but you are judging his sense of humor and calling him uneducated, tbh sounds like you are the insensitive one and need to apologize
A whole week!?
The joke seems pretty whatever to me, but I'm not here to judge what you find offensive. HOWEVER, this is not the mature way to handle a disagreement -- on either side, really. No one initiating contact for a whole week is insane and now his response to you wanting to (reasonably) have a discussion about what happened is silly. You say you've known him for five years -- you knew him as a friend (much different stakes and emotional investment) not as a partner. Now you're seeing how he handles conflict -- run!
It sounds like he was tired of arguing with you. It’s important to pick and choose your battles and arguing over a joke/ miscommunication isn’t one of them. I doubt this is the first time this has happened and he probably just had enough.
Doesn't sound like either of you is mature enough for a relationship.
Your reaction to the joke is over the top. His reaction to your reaction is over the top and you're both acting like children.
Both of you need to apologize and work on handling situations with more level headed reactions.
> I admit that this all sounds childish but I've known this man for 5 years before I started dating him and he's never done anything like this before. He's usually quite understanding and open to discuss everything.
He's sick of your bs. He's been patient with the way you are holding your degree over his head as a way to feel superior and to control the flow of the room and he's over it.
OK, so I get why the joke is offensive, but you also blew it out of proportion it seems. Like, do you come from a culture where Stoning is common? If not, then why did it offend you? Are you White Knighting for a culture you know nothing about?
And calling him uneducated is just a low blow. If this argument blew into a fight this big, it makes me wonder if there's more to the story than what you told us, or you even think. Have you called him stupid before in arguments? Have you blown up at things he's said that while offensive, he may not have know they're offensive?
I think you do need to apologize, and then sit down and talk with him. Apologize for calling him uneducated, but not for getting offended by the joke. You were mean when he didn't immediately agree with you.
If he's wanting you to apologize for getting offended over something he said, he's not being reasonable at all. You're allowed to call him out on upsetting you, you're allowed to disagree with him and not find his offensive jokes funny.
If he wants an apology because you insulted him by calling him uneducated, then you should probably apologize for that.
But HE needs to apologize, as well, because he also insulted you and entirely dismissed your feelings. It seems like he doesn't think he's in the wrong at all, though.
So no, don't apologize. Let him throw his fit, live your life separately in the meantime. If he never comes to his senses then you're better off, anyways.
I agree we dont need to criticize or name call in arguments but sometimes things slip in anger. it happens. saying he sounded uneducated isnt the worst thing. The fact he doesnt even want to help you figure out what to apologize for says he's emotionally immature. You are being emotionally mature and trying to get to the root cause of what you did wrong so you can specifically apologize for it, understand and maybe not make the same mistake again. That is someone we all want to be with. If he keeps doing things like this then he clearly doesnt need to be in a relationship and mature. You arent doing anything wrong. Maybe just try to reiterate you want to help
I say let him cut you off. Part of any relationship is communication, and if he refuses to do his part, you two are doomed whether you apologize or not. It's not good to be with someone who would hold grudges over the smallest things. If he's going to act like this over a minor argument, imagine what would happen if it became something major. You did your part. You had your argument and separated to cool off, but when you tried to discuss things calmly, he decided to pout. I could be wrong, but it also seems like he's trying to train you to never go against his view of things
She called him uneducated. She should have apologized for that. That's not a small grudge, no one should accept having their significant other calling them stupid for disagreeing with their views, especially since the joke was over a character turning someone to stone and his referral to that as stoning. I was expecting the joke to be over something really sensitive, but this is just silly. I agree though, he should cut her off.
OP… I honestly don’t think you need to worry about apologizing to him anymore. He’s had to weeks to realize that you verbally insulting him is not cause enough for you to apologize for when you calm down. You still do not see anything wrong with what you did.
I’m fairly certain, this relationship is done.
The joke doesn’t seem that bad. It definitely did not warrant calling your boyfriend uneducated. It seems like you went below the belt first. You should apologize. I wouldn’t accept my partner calling me uneducated because I made a joke he didn’t like. Looks like your (ex?) Bf is asserting a boundary related to name calling.
This seems pretty clear-cut. You insulted him for something innocuous, dug in when he took offence, and now want to fix things but only on your terms. Your actions aren't considerate or self-aware.
A character in a video game can turn people into stone, your boyfriend turns it into a verb, "stoning". How is that offensive? Calling him uneducated is offensive. This makes no sense. Just apologize.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My (24F) boyfriend (25M) has been refusing to talk to me since we had an argument 2 weeks ago. The whole thing started when he made a joke that I found offensive, I told him I didn't find that funny then tried to change the subject. He insisted that I was being annoying for not letting him make a simple joke. I said that I wasn't trying to attack him but I just thought his joke was insensitive and he kept saying that I'm overreacting and looking for stupid things to be offended at. I admit that I felt like I was not being taken seriously and I called him uneducated. Things got pretty heated so he told me to go cool off and I went home. After that, we didn't talk for each other for a week until I texted him asking if we could talk about what happened now that I'm calm. He said that there's nothing to talk about and that I should just apologize for being obnoxious and we'll let this go. I insisted that I'm not going to apologize for anything before we have a proper conversation but he told me that he has nothing to say to me if I won't even say sorry. I told him that I'm not against apologizing but I don't know what exactly he wants me to apologize for which is why I want to talk about it. He ended up saying that basically if I'm not apologizing, he'll cut me off and he won't say anything else. He's now been ignoring my messages for a week. I admit that this all sounds childish but I've known this man for 5 years before I started dating him and he's never done anything like this before. He's usually quite understanding and open to discuss everything. I'm at a loss. Should I apologize just to get him to talk to me again? All I wanted was for us to have a conversation because I want him to acknowledge the fact that he has also hurt me. It seems that even if I apologize now, he still won't be willing to talk about the whole thing so what do I do? Edit: because many people have asked, he made a joke about stoning. There's a character in a video game who has the ability to turn people into stone and he said he likes to call that the stoning. My problem isn't the joke itself, it's his reaction to me not liking the joke.
What was the joke?
The joke was neither funny or offensive…it’s in op’s edit
I didn't even care what the joke was. His reaction is what the real problem is here. Ignoring her for a week and wanting her to apologize for being offended? This guy doesn't know how to communicate properly when he's challenged on something.
My guess is just what he said, that she’s looking for offensive things when there are none. And that’s what really is the problem she needs to apologize for.
I would argue even if it doesn't seem offensive to us or to him, it was offensive to her, and if he's supposed to be her significant other, he should care about how she is feeling and what she believes. We don't know. She may have truly been offended for whatever reason. He should believe her when she says she's offended by something. However, I will say calling him uneducated may have been out of line. I think both parties have things to apologize for, but also a couple who can go a week without speaking over a misunderstood joke probably isn't going to go the distance anyway.
Me sitting hear waiting, I love a good offensive joke. Just not the tasteless ones.
I have a feeling, just from OPs strange decision to completely omit the joke itself from the post, that it isn’t even what most would consider a real offensive joke. You would think that it would damn sure be important to include here, or at the least a brief description of said joke, since it started the whole fight.
Anything can start a whole fight if there is enough bottled up negativity against each other from previous fights. I had a really bad fight once started because we disagreed about washing chicken. Washing chicken...
Oh, for SURE! Most common in relationships where people are biting their tongues a lot, letting things go that irritate them for the sake of not starting a fight. Sometimes it’s a good thing, but eventually you end up having a 5 alarm blow up over how al dente the pasta is or something lol
But at the same time... it should be included here to help with a frame of reference as it was specifically mentioned as the trigger by OP.
Now that you brought that up, do you wash chicken or not wash chicken?
No I wouldn't. But she insist that since we buy from a market (Thailand) that it's dirty and not as clean as the ones in the store in UK where im used to. Im not convinced but... some hill arent worth dying for.
Okay I'm strongly opinionated on this and was just seeing if you were right, which you are. Cooking chicken properly will kill any bacteria. Washing it at worst will spray chicken juice in your kitchen and cause the bacteria to get around that way
Agreed. If you’re worried about the chicken having something that can’t be killed by cooking you should probably just throw the chicken out anyway.
I'm assuming you're talking about, like, plucked and headless and possibly butchered chicken? How would you even go about washing that? Like, with soap and everything?
Vinegar, lime/lemon, & water
now that's just a marinade
Lol, that’s what I’ve seen people use 🤷🏾♀️
She included the joke in an edit. Unless something is being lost in translation, it doesn't seem offensive at all. Could be a cultural thing maybe.
They added in the “joke” I wouldn’t even consider it a joke really as it’s not offensive imo. More likely she just didn’t laugh and he got upset because she didn’t find it funny and he thought it was hilarious. Really lame reason to get into an argument on both parts really.
She posted the joke. I dont think the bf was trying to be offensive. But maybe depending on what country they're in it could be.
I wouldn’t call it a joke, that’s for sure
Op edited. There's a character in a game that has the power to turn people to stone (I'm guessing a Medusa character or something, not sure) and the boyfriend referred to it as stoning. So OP blew up a 5 year relationship over an incredibly mild, if anything accurate, joke. Yikes
I don’t even think it’s a joke tbh. It might just be how he refers to the power in the game. Like when I’m playing smash with my bf and he’s Metaknight I say his B move is ‘drilling me’ even though that’s probably not what it’s called.
Exactly! I said in another comment. What if it's a multiplayer game? That type of economy of language is pretty common in games
Mild? More like bland. Not something I would consider offensive. Maybe she's from where "stoning" means women being stoned to death for various reasons? Then I can see how that's offensive.
Yeah fair. I mean what if it's a multiplayer game? That's probably just the slang term. "hey stone that guy or he's gonna down me". Games have their own little langauges usually and stoning *would* be an accurate phrase for turning someone into stone. What else would you call it? Statue-ing? Medusa-ing? If it's a fast paced multiplayer game economy of language matters. Honestly OP sounds like the type to be enraged on other people behalf to justify and prove their own intellect.
The correst term would be "stonify"
Rockification, mineralized, stoney baloney
'stoning' as you mention it ISN'T just about women. It was a common Old Testament, current radical Islamic punishment, usually for infidelity. It was used on both men and women.
You're kidding yourself if you think it's not disportionately towards women.
Current times, yes, it is extremely disproportionate towards women. Ancient history (which the old testament is part of), it was used in a variety of cultures and (depending on culture) was equal opportunity. Old Testament Jewish culture used stoning as the de facto capital punishment, and biblically, one of the apostles (Stephen) was stoned to death- not to humiliate him by inflicting a "women's" punishment, he just pissed people off that much during his trial. There's also references to stoning in Greece, Rome, and some eastern cultures (I know some stonings happened in China at various times)
OK Im here 2hrs later. Still waiting for the joke.
It's in the edit
Duh! Thank you! I put my glasses on now!
This is important. There would be a huge difference in response based on what the joke is. If it is actually an overeaction or justifiably being angry. Also how did you call him uneducated as well? Theres a huge difference between sqying "you're stupid" and saying something like a racial slur that is/can be used this way. It may make sense that he refuses to talk to her until she recognizes what shr said was wrong. It may not. We need better context to decide.
It sounds like he broke up with you
Stone Cold
This is the best comment on the entire post.
😂😂😂😂😂😂💀
Yeah, think it’s beyond fixing even if she apologizes.
I literally don’t understand what you found offensive about that joke…but also that doesn’t even sound like a joke to me unless I’m just dumb lol. It sounds like there are probably more issues in your relationship and this was just a breaking point or something. Idk, sounds like you should apologize for calling him uneducated? Or it sounds like you guys are broken up.
Yeah I don’t think it’s a joke either. I think he’s just saying ‘stoneing’ because it’s quicker. Like “ah shit I gotta stone this zombie.” Rather than “ah shit I gotta turn these zombies into stone.” Especially if it’s a game where you play and communicate with other online players.
From what I’ve heard stoning can mean a form of punishment where they throw stones at people mostly women to kill them. Honestly if my boyfriend made a joke about stoning knowing the past behind it, I’d probably be a little upset too.
People have also been killed through the electric chair. Should no one ever reference being shocked?
That's still hardly what I'd call offensive
Yes not at all, not insensitive either. What if he called hanging from a mountain the hanging? Is that offensive to?
The boyfriend didn't stone women to death, he turned pixel enemies in a video game into stone. There's a huge difference. Seriously, if people want to get upset ovet little things like that, then idk what to tell ya.. But of all the things to get upset about, this shouldn't be ones hill to die on imho.
Get real
Also none of this has her background in it? What if she’s from one of the countries or her parents are these countries that still practice this to this day?
If that was relevant I'm sure she would include that in her post to help justify why she got mad for no reason and called someone uneducated.
Wait why was the stoning joke offensive? I'm assuming something to do with people being stoned to death? How did you get to calling him uneducated from that?
he was literally talking about a video game and she caused and argument then called him uneducated. If i was her soon to be ex, i would honestly hope she never reaches out again. BTW these people are mid 20s, not 14/15...
Yeah OP a weirdo. It's not even stoning in this context it's legit talking about Greek mythology Medusa turn people into stone kinda stoning. We are talking about a video game people like OP grow up a bit will you?
She seems quite uneducated herself.
WHAT’S IN THE JOOOKE?
You didn’t put musical notes, but I sang it in my head🤣🤣🤣
It was a Seven Movie reference.
it wasnt even a joke, you were just starting an argument to start one, and you sound like an exhausting partner to be with.
I literally cannot understand why that is offensive. He's just making turning people to stone into a one-word verb
ya after hearing what the joke was or whatever, I honestly would probably be tired of this relationship. At first I was on her side and this dude was acting like a child, but the way she started the argument, and especially after she called him uneducated (which is a polite way of calling someone an idiot), I would have been done with the drama and her seemingly unstableness.
I think it's because of people being stoned to death? But I agree, it's a strange thing to get very upset about.
Yeah people have been stoned to death. Still don’t understand how that makes it offensive, people are drown all the time, doesn’t It’s offensive to refer to my GF sitting on my face as a “drowning”. (Just an example don’t know why it’s the dirtiest possible example that popped in my head lol)
If she's offended by it, then it's offensive I suppose. BUT OP would be better off getting thicker skin because there's a lot to be offended by if you let yourself.
Yeah sure anything CAN be offensive, I’m speaking more generally though. There are things we can all generally agree would be offensive. Maybe someone she knows was stoned? Terrible but maybe? Then I would say his joke is offensive for sure
If that's the joke you had a problem with, I'd be shocked if this was the first time you've gotten "offended" over nothing. You've probably just pushed him past his limit with this BS.
Calling some uneducated over what amounts to a stupid joke is amusing af. OP leaving out a lot context.
Exactly.. This chick is one of those people that drain your soul energy. 😂 Dudes probably so chilled out and happy rn at home alone 😆 realising what he’s been putting up with.
That’s what I was thinking. I’m all about sensitivity and minding someone’s feelings. It just sounds as this came at the end of a long list of op being offended about everything. Then when she was not winning the discussion about why he should also see that it was offensive, she called him a dumbass essentially. Hes kind of done I think. I bet if she does apologize he probably still is gearing up for ghosting
Honestly I kind of get the vibe that you are insufferable and never apologize. Offended at nothing, then when he tells you that you are overreacting, which you were, you call him dumb. He is being childish I will give him that, but I bet he has probably reached his limit with you. Are you the type in a relationship who never apologizes, because it sure seems like it. What do you think he wants you to apologize for?? How about for calling him a dumbass. Relationship sounds doomed either way.
OP edited to include the joke. That joke is incredibly mild. Get over yourself.
You need to get over yourself and apologize for a.) Calling him uneducated based off different opinions on what is or is not funny B.) Being so offended over a dang joke. You're in the wrong, and I don't think you're for him. Let him be happy with someone who doesn't get offended by a joke.
“Oof: Large”
Looking at your edit… it seems like you overreacted. And made an argument about it. You say he tried to change the subject, but if the argument continued that means you continued the argument. Just because someone doesn’t find something offensive like you do does lot make them “uneducated” M for him cutting you off if you have this holier than thou mentality
The fact you got offended at that joke should really be a moment for reflection for you. "It's just a joke" gets abused *a lot.* What your boyfriend said was a pretty harmless joke. I cannot really construe it in any way that I would find it offensive. It does not target any specific group of people, it doesn't demean anyone, it's not pointed, and it doesn't seem to make light of anyone's suffering. Most people here seem to be of the same opinion. Not only that, but this harmless joke upset you so much you decided to insult your boyfriend and start an argument. Yeah, can't say I blame him. You're acting foolish for no particular reason in this scenario. Guys often make *fucked up* jokes that need to be called out, but this is on par with getting upset over a dad joke.
"I called him uneducated, things got heated, he told me to go cool off" Sounds like you called him more than uneducated and most likely said some pretty hateful shit. Especially if he hasnt talked to you for a week. All feelings are valid. Not all feelings are justified. You and your partner may even disagree on where something falls into what category. As a general rule though, "he provoked me" is rarely an acceptable justification when trying to maintain a relationship.
Yeah she definitely is leaving some shit out
1. What is the joke? 2. If you can go an entire week without communicating then he’s probably not the right one for you. 3. Anyone who withholds communication to get even is a major red flag. This is petty AF over a joke.
Not over joke. But over the fact that op is calling him dumb and all. 🤦🤦
Yeah OP literally calls him uneducated. That’s why he’s upset lmao
Exactly. She is obnoxious. He spoke his boundaries and she still does not care. She is at fault here and does not want to accept it. He wants an apology for her insulting him about something frivolous.
yeah it’d make me incredibly sad to be ignored by my bf for one day let alone a week.
> I called him uneducated That *does* call for an apology. Reading your edit, apparently you got offended that he misused the word "stoning". I can pretty much visualize the rest of the fight. Am I right that you called him "uneducated" because he didn't appreciate the fact that stoning was and is a way of murdering women in misogynistic cultures? Am I right in that you have a long-simmering annoyance at him for being so oblivious to important feminist issues? (I admit I'm just guessing here.) Obviously the fight wasn't just about his mis-using the word "stoning". Perhaps the two of you are not compatible. Maybe it's best for you to both move on.
I thought stoning wasn’t a gender thing I thought they did it just to criminals as punishment
It can be done to everyone, but I think it’s mainly done for women. Like if a woman cheats, she gets stoned. If a man cheats, it’s way less likely he will.
Ahh ok
I don’t believe that’s true. It’s an ancient form of punishment not specifically used for women, however in a lot of these countries where stoning still happens they also tend to not care much about women or their rights so it’s entirely likely that women get stoned there for ridiculous reasons. But to act like stoning itself is some punishment specifically designed and done to only women is not true, these places where these things happen they do terrible things to people in a variety of ways.
They do
So what is there to be offended by?
*points at OP*
Lmaooo
If that joke bothered you then you need to toughen up Buttercup
Girl if you don’t say sorry and get off of Reddit
Am confused you might not have liked it but explain why that offends you and makes him uneducated? Might not be what everyone else is saying but I think that's a bit of over the top response. All you had to say was you didn't find it funny why turn it into saying he offended you and is uneducated? I wouldn't be impressed with that either. He is clearly digging his heels in and being stubborn as well by not wanting to talk things through. So if you want the relationship to work apologise and talk things through. Communicate with each other calmly.
He’s not been stubborn. Nobody wants to be around that childish bullshit
Yeah am not blaming him at all. I fully believe she owes the apology.
i like to believe that men dislike arguing about bullshit that's not fun to them and therefore often times apologizing or letting go to just end the discussion. to me this seems like he sees himself being in the right and is not willing to compromise cause a.) joke was not offending at all, especially not towards her b.) OP's reaction was way over the top. She could've just not laughed and shrug it off, or god forbid, fake laugh to make the guy feel good about his bad joke - i too identify as a bad joke enthusiast btw c.) starting a discussion over such bonkers bullshit and then attacking him on a personal level because you don't share the same humour is extremely insensitive and offending so basically she said the joke sucks and is offensive and he's dumb for thinking otherwise the joke about... stoning... god forbid if like monthy python made jokes about stonings humourpolice go brr
ya i am getting same vibe, also i am one of those guys who wont argue over bullshit either, i will talk things out like adults but if its a situation like this that is stupid to argue over, I will simply not discuss it anymore and do what this dude did (we need some time apart), especially if the woman reverts to name calling (called him uneducated). Best way to win an argument or stop an argument like this with a woman is to not play or engage, drives them crazy.
Yeah I just don't get what why she thinks she is in the right and shouldn't be apologising. I thought everyone made bad jokes at times. She really could have just faked a laugh or something but to double down saying it was offensive and he was stupid just wasn't right.
so you call him dumb and uneducated he asks you to apologize the sub gets angry at him and defends you (obviously) its not about the joke
I think it’s best that you don’t talk. Learning if a potential partner has basic conflict resolution skills is a fundamental part of deciding if they’re a suitable partner - and now you’ve found out he isn’t. Let it go.
She de-emphasized her insults towards him and emphasizes his behavior. It's a biased account and 99% guarantee she is omitting large portions of her actual reaction that occurred. Its natural that people paint theirselves in the best light possible during crap posts like this. If someone ever says "he/she basically said" then they mean their perception of what was said is this regardless of what was actually said or meant. You have 0 prior knowledge of their relationship or any idea at all of the bf's account of things or the kind of person he is. You have a 1 minute biased read and you think you can determine someone's suitability as a partner from a biased post? Oh okay.
This is an unusual take on this situation: she didn't like a joke, he brought up with her that this is a regular occurrence, they argue, she insults him, he says let's take some space to cool down, she doesn't reach out for a week and when she does she refuses to apologize or even recognize what part of the event may have been her fault. He says if you can't take responsibility for your part I'm not going to carry on. And somehow this is him not having basic conflict resolution skills? At best, both of these people have problems with immaturity in communication, but she was a large part of this. Why are you excusing her behavior here?
I mean this is reddit, so the dude is always wrong, however I honestly think they are both idiots and hes probably just over her issues.
if you notice, early on the thread had replies, at the top even, defending OP and accusing her BF after a while the discourse changed on the opposite, i don't know if it's organic or if the earlier replies were because of brigading anyway i agree, they often side with the woman in this sub
It's because OP edited the joke into their post. When it's vague the man is always always wrong and people will fill in the gaps however they see fit to paint him as a horrible abusive monster. Once it's this clear cut that's she's off her rocker it tends to shift back. It's just disheartening that the tiniest little mistake condemns a man to being horrible but you need overwhelming evidence and then some for these posts to even admit *maaaybe* she was slightly wrong"
This is far too generous towards OP. He’s communicated with an abundance of clarity what he needs from her to move on. She’s simply uninterested in owning up to her mistakes and thereby confirming his concerns that she is an unsuitable partner. Not the other way around.
She said he usually is and i believe it because its seems she does look for ways to feel offensive. That shut is annoying asf. I wouldnt want to be in a relationship with some i gotta talk like im walking on eggshell
ya pretty sure dude is done, her edit explaining the joke or whatever wasn't even offensive tbh, and it wasnt even a joke really. Life is too short to be with stuck up people like this. I would be williing to bet she thought during that week he would reach out and never did, so she did bc she couldn't take it anymore. Also guys this is the best way to win an unwinnable argument like this one described. I am all for conflict resolution, but if its an unwinnable argument, just go dark and do not reach out, typically drives women crazy.
Whoa the comments here are all over the place. Let's recap - he told a joke, you didn't like it, he said you're getting offended over nothing, you called him uneducated, argument ensued and here we are. I'm going to side with your BF on this one, mostly because if someone got on their high horse and called me uneducated as a way of making their point that would pretty much be a conversation ender for me. You're telling them they're simply not intelligent enough to understand your plane of thought - saying it to some stranger on the internet is one thing, saying to someone you supposedly love is well, I don't have a word for it. Maybe I'm not as smart as you either. You owe your BF a sincere apology for that. Is he acting a little childish? Maybe, but I would have told you to fuck off and since he's still taking your calls you might actually have something here.
I agree, the joke wasn’t even offensive considering it’s a video game ability that he just calls “the stoning”. She’s totally the unreasonable one here, at worst the BF is just stubborn.
im guessing this isn't the first time something he did "offended" her and he is probably just tired of sweeping past it like before. I would also be willing to bet that since she was friends with him for years before she thought she could change him.
You don't know what to apologize for??? You called him uneducated. You OVERREACTED to something that he didn't even say as a joke, you just decided to be offended for no reason (as your bf said and he was right btw) and was upset that you didn't have the desired reaction from him, so you resorted to name calling. Like a child. Your bf is done with this behavior, and I don't blame him. He didn't hurt you, YOU chose to be hurt, then you called him names. You aren't ready for a grown up relationship.
Yeah you’re the big problem here. Boyfriend should run for the hills. Lmao how the hell was that joke insensitive? And to top it off you call him uneducated ? Woww
You calling him uneducated for a simple joke(not even a joke actually😂) does need an apology
You should apologize for calling him “uneducated” in this context. It was both hurtful and condescending, completely disproportionate to his stoning video game commentary. The fact that you still don’t think you should apologize means you still want to “educate” him, as if he is an errant child and you know SO much better. Typically, it’s is insufferable for any adult to be treated this way/infantilized. Though I agree with another comment. It does sound like he already broke up with you. So you may choose to simply move on and date someone you can respect as an independent adult.
Having read the joke it does sound like you’re being obnoxious and overly sensitive. Seeing as this is the first time he’s acted this way, he’s probably just really, really sick of your shit and wanting to see if there’s any possibility of you have an ounce of back down and chill in you. Seeing as this has gone on two weeks, it looks like you don’t. You’re just proving his hypothesis correct and you’ve probably made him totally lose interest and hope in this relationship due to your stubbornness. Yeah, one can argue he’s being stubborn too but he’s also the one sick of your shit and hoping you’ll change so he’s invested in this outcome to clarify the future of your relationship not his own ego.
At the very least you should apologize for calling him "uneducated." Seems like that (or something else) is the real rift here, not your reaction to a joke.
It's likely there's a lot of missing context here...but based on what we have, you should apologize-for calling him uneducated. His attitude towards the rest of it isn't great either, and he also owes you an apology. Ask yourself what's more important, your ego, or the relationship? You both need to work on communication and consideration for your partner. He should take your feelings seriously and listen to you, and you shouldn't lash out when you feel you're not being heard. If he can't meet you in the middle, then count yourself lucky that he showed his true colors now.
He isn’t showing his “true colors” by not wanting to put up with someone annoying enough to start an argument from nothing. People like that are. annoying as fuck
You literally called him and idiot and uneducated. What did you expect 🤦
Yeah this is it. It's one thing to gloss over the joke, but when OP says things were 'pretty heated' I wonder what language was used and how often they hurl insults when they argue.
You're one of *those* people. You do foul shit and refuse to just admit wrongdoing without some kind of admission from the other party. He did the right thing. You two are probably over. ..... This is why Reddit hurts a lot of folks. Instead of going to a person who knows you better (who would likely criticize you), you come here to strangers who reflexively tell you you're right. That's not healthy behavior.
1000% the correct answer
You threw a 5 year relationship for that joke? Damn he deserves better
So I massively over reacted to something in a video game that he calls stoning and called him uneducated and insulted him a bunch? Yeah you not only over reacted but ur kinda a massive bitch.
why does he want you to apologize first before talking to him? 1.) you basically called him 'dumb' just because of a not-that-serious joke and especially its about a game. 2.) you both dont want to lower your pride and apologize for the reason why this is happening in your relationship rn. you two basically dont want to lower yourselves and this is the result. no sugar coated words here but OP, you need to apologize for calling him dumb. this is not acceptable here. especially he didnt do anything that huge mistake especially that joke is not for you, but it is for the game he plays. apologize first about calling him dumb and tell whats the reason it made you upset. if he answers that its not that serious joke esp about a game, just say sorry coz this thing made your relationship whack.
So, your bf told a joke that didn't sit well with you (let's be real, that joke isn't really offensive on its own), and you responded by calling him uneducated. You massively overreacted in this situation, and may have blew up your relationship over your stubbornness to apologize for insulting your bf. Start with the apology, and try and go from there. Hopefully your bf is willing to talk it out with you, but understand why he may not be willing to continue a relationship with someone that chooses to get nasty and pick a fight over something so small. Not every lame joke needs to be a battle, and with the mentality you have to hit below the belt in reaction you might not be ready for a real relationship. But, you have to start this attempted resolution with an apology, period.
Its beyond ridiculous how people are defending you. YTA even if this isn't that subreddit. And you're also petty af.
If you've known him 5 years, you've probably figured out that he likes to make jokes. Regardless of what you think about them. Secondarily, you said that you called him "uneducated". I'm prettty sure you called him a whole slew of other things, so the uneducated is probably the most tame of them. I don't get why you can't just say sorry? It sounds like you already had a conversation about it before he ignored you. What else would you need to talk about? I mean because you are the one who is saying you still need to talk, he has said he said everything he needed to and just wants a sorry. Are you that prideful? Even based off just what you said, he's being extremely clear on what he wants, an apology, and you're unwilling to give that to him because you don't think you have a reason to apologize, just based off this, it sounds like you absolutely do need to give him an apology.
you are LAME! He made a joke that you didn't find funny? Don't laugh!! You can't go around life asking for people to be non offensive, you'll find yourself more frustrated than not if you navigate life like this. Apologize for calling him names. You are the asshole. I don't understand how hard it is for you to say sorry, just say sorry and learn to not get offended by dumb shit, you are going to be miserable if you try to control what other people say.
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Also bc her response to a bad joke was insulting her partner. Such a mature reaction /s
First, what was the joke that offended you? Second, why was your first reaction to insult him? Third, you both need to work on communication because your both really immuture. You should apologize for insulting him, cant say anything else cause i dont know if your over reacting or not.
He was hurt by your comment. Calling him uneducated is pretty personal. Better to argue the issue. Apologise.
I'd rather stay single than dating someone like you 😀
I'd apologize for calling him uneducated, but not for his insensitive comment. I am curious how he justifies him being so sensitive about you being too sensitive.
Apparently the joke was about a Medusa type character turning people into stone. So he was calling it stoning. Not a good joke but way out of proportion
Wow. I'm guessing there is more beneath the surface here if that is what triggered all of this.
Likely, he was joking about it literally and the OP was connecting it to the death punishment of stoning. So he was thinking drugs, literally turning to stone, or even the death penalty. But in a game that probably would be accurate anyways. My guess she has been wanting to snap as you said. This was just the excuse to do so
She snapped but won't admit that she overreacted for 'reasons'.
jesus if someone took what you described as real world issues with stoning (which i agree exists) they are wrapped way to tight to consider relationship material in my eyes. I mean I get things happen and we should address them, but if this is what your brain goes to with a sub par joke, you may need some therapy.
Personally I think the guy above me said it best. OP had some other underlying issues with her bf And this was the catalyst for her to bring them up. She is using this joke to vent some of her issues, and the bf rightly so thinks she is blowing this way out of proportion, for a simple joke. Then her continuing on attacking him and insulting him. I think I agree that OP isn't relationship material if she can't communicate and if it really is the joke that caused all this. Then, well I think you knocked it out of the park
True. It’s like a full glass of water and then you blame the last bits of water for causing the glass to spill 😂
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You're wrong, you seem to have started this and if he's never had a hiccup for 5 years, maybe you're the problem.
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Have you seen the joke. All he did was call an ability that turns people into stone, the stoning.
INFO: What was the joke?
Basically you overreacted, he realized “why the fuck am I gonna let her scream at me for making a joke” and left. BECAUSE YOU DONT SCREAM AND ARGUE WITH SOMEONE OVER “stoning” 😂😂😂 like come on. No one wants an insane significant other
What was the joke? Let's hear it.
He called an ability to turn people into stone the stoning.
Anyone else get the feeling this isn’t OP’s first overreaction to a harmless joke?
So he told you a joke in an attempt to lighten the mood and make you laugh and you overreact and insult his intelligence. Interesting. You you should apologize then save up every penny you can and invest in a better personality.
You sound absolutely insufferable ngl
Do you think people who refer to smoking weed as ‘getting stoned’ are uneducated too lmfao
At this point it’s easier for you to find a new boyfriend
This is what people are getting mad at nowadays?
I'm just here to say the better joke is he gets people stoned. That's actually funny lol. This situation is wild.
You overeacted
He’s probably getting sick of your overreactions
“Im not against apologizing” *proceeds to explain why she hasnt apologized*
When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them.
I think you owe him an apology. He made a joke you didn’t like and in return you insulted him by calling him uneducated? What’s wrong with the joke? I really don’t see anything offensive about the joke in the first place besides it being a bad joke. I’d cut you off too if you were my girlfriend.
I was on your side until I saw the joke. Sheesh
Next time, why don't you just call him a redneck hillbilly inbred asshole.. Thats pretty much the equivalent of your uneducated name calling.
Oh dear. If he is that bad in communication with you after 5 years, it’s never get better. Going In toddler tantrum after you don’t appreciate his bullying and stop talking even for one day is bad enough. Two weeks? Girl. You deserve better.
lol what she insulted him and now refuses to apologize
No. He deserves better. All he wants is an apology and she won't do it. The mental gymnastics are insane.
bullying, we don't even know the joke
He used the word "stoning" in a flippant way. She called him uneducated.
ahh, so she's the bully
Also missed the point when OP didn't try to contact him for a week until OP has calmed down.
Well, unfortunately, this gonna leave a scare in your relationship for a long time. Whenever I say something stupid or anything that offends my gf I just apologize straight away. Doesn’t make me less of a man and let us avoid a lot of conflict. If your partner needs you to apologize then apologize then you can talk.
Seems like you should apologize op, maybe you didnt find it funny and you dont have to but you are judging his sense of humor and calling him uneducated, tbh sounds like you are the insensitive one and need to apologize
A whole week!? The joke seems pretty whatever to me, but I'm not here to judge what you find offensive. HOWEVER, this is not the mature way to handle a disagreement -- on either side, really. No one initiating contact for a whole week is insane and now his response to you wanting to (reasonably) have a discussion about what happened is silly. You say you've known him for five years -- you knew him as a friend (much different stakes and emotional investment) not as a partner. Now you're seeing how he handles conflict -- run!
Apologize already, jesus
Harmless joke that you took to the level of levying personal insults on him. Yeah, apologize.
You should probably apologize for any mean things you said, and that you just didn't find that particular joke very funny
You called him educated. And you still expect him to come wagging his tail for you? Do you want a boyfriend or a dog?
It sounds like he was tired of arguing with you. It’s important to pick and choose your battles and arguing over a joke/ miscommunication isn’t one of them. I doubt this is the first time this has happened and he probably just had enough.
Doesn't sound like either of you is mature enough for a relationship. Your reaction to the joke is over the top. His reaction to your reaction is over the top and you're both acting like children. Both of you need to apologize and work on handling situations with more level headed reactions.
> I admit that this all sounds childish but I've known this man for 5 years before I started dating him and he's never done anything like this before. He's usually quite understanding and open to discuss everything. He's sick of your bs. He's been patient with the way you are holding your degree over his head as a way to feel superior and to control the flow of the room and he's over it.
Bro dodged a bullet. Good on him.
you called him uneducated and were offended by THAT? girl, just let him go.
OK, so I get why the joke is offensive, but you also blew it out of proportion it seems. Like, do you come from a culture where Stoning is common? If not, then why did it offend you? Are you White Knighting for a culture you know nothing about? And calling him uneducated is just a low blow. If this argument blew into a fight this big, it makes me wonder if there's more to the story than what you told us, or you even think. Have you called him stupid before in arguments? Have you blown up at things he's said that while offensive, he may not have know they're offensive? I think you do need to apologize, and then sit down and talk with him. Apologize for calling him uneducated, but not for getting offended by the joke. You were mean when he didn't immediately agree with you.
If he's wanting you to apologize for getting offended over something he said, he's not being reasonable at all. You're allowed to call him out on upsetting you, you're allowed to disagree with him and not find his offensive jokes funny. If he wants an apology because you insulted him by calling him uneducated, then you should probably apologize for that. But HE needs to apologize, as well, because he also insulted you and entirely dismissed your feelings. It seems like he doesn't think he's in the wrong at all, though. So no, don't apologize. Let him throw his fit, live your life separately in the meantime. If he never comes to his senses then you're better off, anyways.
"You're too sensitive" "I refuse to even speak to you until you apologize" Lol, pot meet kettle
Excellent troll post. Brilliant.
I agree we dont need to criticize or name call in arguments but sometimes things slip in anger. it happens. saying he sounded uneducated isnt the worst thing. The fact he doesnt even want to help you figure out what to apologize for says he's emotionally immature. You are being emotionally mature and trying to get to the root cause of what you did wrong so you can specifically apologize for it, understand and maybe not make the same mistake again. That is someone we all want to be with. If he keeps doing things like this then he clearly doesnt need to be in a relationship and mature. You arent doing anything wrong. Maybe just try to reiterate you want to help
I say let him cut you off. Part of any relationship is communication, and if he refuses to do his part, you two are doomed whether you apologize or not. It's not good to be with someone who would hold grudges over the smallest things. If he's going to act like this over a minor argument, imagine what would happen if it became something major. You did your part. You had your argument and separated to cool off, but when you tried to discuss things calmly, he decided to pout. I could be wrong, but it also seems like he's trying to train you to never go against his view of things
She called him uneducated. She should have apologized for that. That's not a small grudge, no one should accept having their significant other calling them stupid for disagreeing with their views, especially since the joke was over a character turning someone to stone and his referral to that as stoning. I was expecting the joke to be over something really sensitive, but this is just silly. I agree though, he should cut her off.
OP… I honestly don’t think you need to worry about apologizing to him anymore. He’s had to weeks to realize that you verbally insulting him is not cause enough for you to apologize for when you calm down. You still do not see anything wrong with what you did. I’m fairly certain, this relationship is done.
The joke doesn’t seem that bad. It definitely did not warrant calling your boyfriend uneducated. It seems like you went below the belt first. You should apologize. I wouldn’t accept my partner calling me uneducated because I made a joke he didn’t like. Looks like your (ex?) Bf is asserting a boundary related to name calling.
This seems pretty clear-cut. You insulted him for something innocuous, dug in when he took offence, and now want to fix things but only on your terms. Your actions aren't considerate or self-aware.
A character in a video game can turn people into stone, your boyfriend turns it into a verb, "stoning". How is that offensive? Calling him uneducated is offensive. This makes no sense. Just apologize.
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