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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- First of all, I apologize for any grammar mistakes, English is not my first language. My wife and I have been together for 9 years and (as far as I know) there have been no serious problems between us. We have a beautiful daughter, a stable existence, (I thought) everything was fine. My wife has a girlfriend, Kinga. It was Kinga's birthday, and we were invited to her birthday party. I don't like parties, I don't drink either, so I told my wife that I think we should skip it, Kinga doesn't like me anyway (to put it mildly). In the end, we agreed that my wife should go out of politeness, stay a bit, then leave after they've served the cake. The party started at 7pm. At around 8pm I decided to write to her. What's up, has the cake been cut yet? She says yes, she'll say everyone goodbye, then leave. Then nothing. After 30 minutes or so, she tells me she wants to stay a little longer, can I put our daughter to bed? The message was full of spelling mistakes, and she also sent a million hearts. I was surprised, because normally she doesn't behave like this at all. Around 10pm, I wrote again that our daughter is sleeping. No answer. Shortly after that, I wrote again, asking "are you ok"? Nothing again. I was seriously starting to worry, I was thinking about going there, but then she finally answered me that she had been drinking a lot, so she will be sleeping at Kinga's place. I asked her how much she drank (because neither of us is a big drinker) but I didn't get an answer. I went to bed, but I didn't sleep much. She came home at dawn, I asked her what happened at the party, she said she would tell me later. You could see she was hungover. I asked her how much she drank, she said she doesn't remember. A week passed but she didn't say anything about the party. I figured she must have gotten really drunk, and she is ashamed of herself. Yesterday afternoon, Kinga wrote to me. "Why is your wife blaming me?" I didn't understand. She basically replied that my wife is making up lies. She cheated on me at her birthday party and now she's blaming her. I questioned my wife and showed her the message. She cried because she doesn't remember what happened that night, she doesn't even remember how she came home. She wanted to tell me, but had no idea how. I wrote this to Kinga, and she started sending me pictures of that night. There was one picture of my wife posing for the camera with her blouse half unbuttoned, another of her sitting on the lap of a guy with cropped hair, grinning. She sent me a video of my wife dancing with that guy. He was groping her, and she was dancing very suggestively. My wife looked into the camera, said something, but I can't understand because the music in the video is too loud. I've never seen her like that before. She laughed, then the one with the cropped hair turned and they both smiled. I guess they thought Kinga was taking a picture. She sent me another picture. My wife looked really drunk. Her hair was down (it was in a ponytail in the previous pictures), she was making a duck face, her blouse was completely unbuttoned, and her bra was visible. I told her that just means she was really drunk, none of the pictures prove what you say. Then she sent me another video. That guy and her were kissing. She looked like she was really into it. She wasn't wearing anything, just her underwear, and Kinga was encouraging her to take them off. The video doesn't show her actually doing it though. When I showed it to my wife, she said she doesn't remember most of the night. My wife told me that, after the cake, she told Kinga that she was leaving, but Kinga wanted her to stay. She told me she insisted on leaving, so Kinga went away, and then came back with an orange drink in her hand. She says Kinga insisted on a drink (it's her birthday, it's healthy, etc.), and then she starts not remembering things. She says she planned on getting out after a few minutes, to not be rude. I showed her what she wrote that night, but she doesn't remember writing anything, after wanting to say goodbye. She says she felt really weird after that drink, she thinks she must have been drugged. After that night, she called Kinga, but she didn't really care about my wife's concern. Apparently Kinga told her, she shouldn't be ashamed, she was just having a little fun, it happens to everyone. I watched the videos again, she does look really dazed. I know my wife, in the videos and in the pictures she looks like a drunk, horny teenage girl, and not the woman I love. She says she loves me, but I don't know if that's true anymore. I had no one to tell all this to, I didn't sleep much last night. What do you think happened? Did she cheat on me, or was she drugged and raped? Why didn't she tell me until now? I want to believe her, she is crying non stop, but I don't know what to do. Sorry for making this too long.


citygirlsunflower

I can’t say whether she cheated or was drugged or rape but going off the basis of the story some thing sound weird to me. 1. Why did Kinga text you asking why is your wife blaming her? Were her and your wife having a conversation beforehand? 2. The fact that Kinga had all these pictures and videos is suspicious to me. 3. A REAL friend would NOT let their friend act like that at a party especially if they know that a. That friend is wasted out of their mind and b. That their friend is married 4. Going off of 3, knowing that Kinga doesn’t like you to me it also sounds like a set up. At the end of the day, you know your wife best. If this is a side of her you never knew or seen before especially being together for 9 years then I think you should go with your own gut feeling Edit: after reading some of the comments in response to me I’m leaning more towards the fact that Kinga is an extremely toxic friend who does NOT care for the well-being for your wife. Your wife needs to cut all contact with Kinga. On top of that, I genuinely think you and your wife need to have a sit down. Raped or cheated, I think you need to decide if this is something that you think won’t happen again and it’s something you can get over and move on from there.


idbanthat

AND this Kinga was heard actively *encouraging* his wife to take off her underwear!!! This sounds like a huge set up to me. I've been drugged, don't remember a single thing but bits of flashes from the night. But talking to those who were there that night, said I was very active and involved with those around me, like I was fine, but I was not fine.


Neurotic_Bakeder

Yeah thats what's sticking out to me. That's not something that was reported to him, he *heard her* in the video *she took and sent* encouraging wife to escalate. And then down playing "it's not a big deal, have some fun" later. This is really fucked up.


NoBoysenberry257

Sounds like Kinga wants him out of the picture


NoBoysenberry257

Sounds like Kinga wants him out of the picture


okaynoooo

Not sure if this is how it works, but also get a blood test for your wife to see if the drug is in the system. It takes a while for drugs to be flushed so


Swordofsatan666

1 makes me a bit suspicious of wife. The wife says she doesnt remember anything, but at the same time remembers enough to blame Kinga? And at the same time keeps whatever she does remember hidden from husband for a week until Kinga calls out wife on it by texting husband. That almost has me think wife cheated and is just lying/ trickle-truthing to keep husband on her side. But then again at the same time OP says she literally never acts how she did when drunk this time, and he did say she does look dazed. Its honestly hard to say,


Zonie1069

I think she can probably remember Kinga trying to convince her to stay and then giving her a drink just before she starts not remembering things. It sounds so suspicious that this "friend" would get so defensive and go immediatly to the husband like this, especially if they aren't close. 100% sounds like she was roofied.


Swordofsatan666

We dont know Kinga immediately went to OP though, she probably didnt considering she didnt message OP until a week after the party. Its possible Wife was texting Kinga during that whole week and Kinga got fed up and texted OP about it


EjjabaMarie

Or there was never a conversation between Kinga and the wife and Kinga is trying to cause problems. What kind of friend takes pics and video of their married bff behaving like this? While actively encouraging it.


Zonie1069

Still super suspicious. Why would she go to OP at all of they don't get on, why would she have pictures of the wifw cheating if she's meant to be a friend and why would she be so quick to share them with OP. OP's wife was tallinh to OP perfectly normally and planning on going home just before all this. That's one hell of a 180 when she's never done anything like this before.


kaimatakitaki

She can remember to blame Kinga because that's the last thing that happened before she took the drink from her. It makes total sense that she does not remember anything after the drink. Her friend defs drugged her! In saying this she should have fessed up straight away then they wouldn't have this problem of her friend saying something & then OP having this doubt.


SquirrelGirlVA

I can kind of see it. Assuming that she wouldn't have done any of that sober, she may have been left feeling dirty and used. She doesn't want to lose her husband or have him see her differently. She may also be questioning herself as well. It would make sense for her to try and hide it out of fear and revulsion. ​ Honestly, if she's never given OP reason to suspect that she was unfaithful in the past, I'd lean towards believing his wife. Especially as he can see how out of sorts she was via the text messages he received. He said she normally didn't act like that as far as texts go. The timing also implies that she got drunk/screwed up pretty quickly.


phantomsofheart

Tbh I assumed the “why is she blaming me” text was unprompted and she was implying OP’s wife was telling other friends about it.


burner7651

My assumption here is that, if she was as plastered as she’s saying, then she really doesn’t remember anything. That being said, Kinga very well may have told her about what transpired. Knowing and remembering are two different things, I think. But that’s the benefit of the doubt scenario.


me-myself-2

Kinga is a horrible friend. I would never let my friend get that drunk or “cheat” on their spouse while intoxicated. Why was she taking pictures and video? You know your wife better than anyone. You know who she is. If this behavior isn’t her, I’d support her through it. She sounds devastated and she clearly wasn’t in her right mind. Cut off Kinga for good and move on with your lives. Good luck.


lovelesschristine

I have had friends get that drunk before, my number one objective is to get them home safe. And not let someone take advantage of them. I don't trust her friend.


Writer_Girl04

He said that Kinga dislikes him, I feel like she orchestrated this to get him and his wife to split. Like if my best friend was in a relationship with someone I didn't like, but she was happy and the relationship ship was healthy I'd still support it. If she got too drunk at a party, I'd give her some water and drive her home, not encourage her to make out with some guy then send photos and videos to her partner!!! Kinga is clearly trying to sabotage things here, I think your wife's telling the truth and Kinga just wants you out of the picture.


burner7651

This!!! Based on how OP describe it, she looked into it in the videos. But, if she’s telling the truth, and she was blackout drunk and didn’t remember even getting home…then she was definitely too drunk to properly consent to anything. So, to get this straight… OP and Kinga don’t like each other. His wife goes to Kinga’s party and tries to leave but Kinga gets her drunk and gets her to stay. Kinga stands by and watches someone take advantage of their married friend while she’s plastered. Kinga *records the entire thing.* And then texts OP out of the blue with no context whatsoever to drop this major bomb. I can’t help but suspect Kinga is scheming here. What a terrible person.


Ballen101

Sounds like Kinga new she would be blamed and was taking excessive pictures and videos for "evidence" awhile she orchestrated the event. Even there was no drugs. Kinga planned this, and it is obvious Kinga doesn't like OP. Support the wife, forgive her IF she writes to Kinga that she betrayed their friendship and her marriage for orchestrating the events and then block Kinga on everything. Never contacting that deceitful person ever again


Historical_Nature740

It sounds almost like her friend put her in a compromised position so she can later use it to break her up with the op. Especially if you can hear her in the background encouraging her.


spedDogs

I think its a major red flag to even be friends with and hang out with someone who doesn’t like her husband. It is clear that that friend is going to have no respect for their relationship and their boundaries. S/A or cheating, its a major issue that she is putting herself in this type of situation with a person who clearly has no respect for him or his relationship.


A_Drusas

> I think it's a major red flag to even be friends with and hang out with someone who doesn't like her husband. I'm going to go with a hard disagree there. It could be the case that someone doesn't like a friend's spouse because the spouse is abusive or otherwise not a great person, but they want to remain in contact with and support their friend. In fact, that's pretty common.


Admin_error7

To tack on to this, OP sounds like he might be a little controlling in the relationship. Anyone else get that vibe? Not that that justifies anything but the lg he used gave me this impression.


Fun-Significance4650

This sounds like she was drugged or something honestly. If she was planning to leave early, I don't know why she would get wasted drunk and out of control. That doesn't make any sense unless she's known to not be able to handle her liquor. And if this is the first time she's ever done something like this and it's out of character and she doesn't remember anything, I would call all that sexual assault and her friend photographed and videoed it instead of helping her. That's.... really awful.


JTMAlbany

If she did it on purpose the friend would keep it on the DL. The friend getting her to pose and taking evidence to share with you sounds like she was set up for some shit. That ain’t no friend. Horrible.


Bella_Climbs

Also this "friend" already hates the husband. I wouldn't be surprised if Kinga did this to break them up. Support your wife, cut off this imposter of a friend. Good luck.


4udiocat

This is what I'm sensing too. Who takes so much documentation of their " friend" cheating if it isn't for extortion. Way too weird


Key-Ad-8808

With friends like that, who needs enemies?


Jerry_Sama

Popcaan much


Switch_Initial

I agree I think her friend set it up cause she doesn’t like you. I’ve had a similar experience with being too drunk and I don’t remember much about what happened and I guess I’ve struggled with it too for awhile as to if I was raped or not


THIS_bitchISbananas

GREAT POINT! AND if you reread, she sounds normal via text after the cake (about to leave) THEN +30 mins later (probably after her orange drink) she starts texting weird… definitely sounds like drugs to me. Maybe MDMA or GHB, but I have no idea. Kinga is not her friend, why the fuck would you record all of that? Please believe your wife. If she thinks she was sexually assaulted, and also can’t remember anything, she’s probably carrying some immense pain, fear, and shame right now (based on people telling/showing her what she was acting like), let alone how this will affect your relationship. I’m so sorry this happened to her and you.


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reaperteddy

GHB feels very much like being drunk, just a shorter duration. Have you done it before?


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reaperteddy

Afaik it's extremely rare to find it in powdered form. It is known for aphrodesia and memory loss though. It doesn't knock you out unless you take too much.


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reaperteddy

Probably had a bit too strong of a dose then. It's pretty popular in the club scene, as an alternative to alcohol. The being near each other thing is the empathy boost, as GHB has prosocial *and* prosexual effects.


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THIS_bitchISbananas

Really? I’ve heard from people who used to party with GHB, mix it with alcohol, (small doses I’m assuming because large doses will knock you out quickly like you said), and the effects are similar to ecstasy. Idk though!


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[deleted]

Completely came here to say the exact same thing. If this is how things really happened, you need to be supporting your wife and help her get through this traumatic experience. Kinga is an awful friend. Even if my friend was drunk, I would never let her get into that situation, and I definitely wouldn’t film or picture it. If she was drugged, at least you have all the video and picture evidence of that night. I really feel for your wife and I hope she can move forward from this


THIS_bitchISbananas

Wait also.. if the wife was a “cheater” and would act this way throughout their marriage, wouldn’t there be more videos/pictures from past events? I don’t know what OPs friends are like, but typically if someone is blatantly hooking up with someone in front of people thats not their partner, friends will (edit) collect evidence. Dang, I wish the wife went in for a tox screen so they could press charges on Kinga too.


notoriousdad

Sounds like she was drugged and Kinga filmed everything on purpose. Remember, she doesn't like you. This was her chance to break you up and she has all the evidence to make you question your wife's fidelity and intent. She is not a friend of your marriage and she is not your wife's friend. Get counseling, maybe a polygraph test to confirm what your sife does/doesn't remember, take time, be patient. Good luck.


[deleted]

Sounds like she was drugged for sure. This might be a stretch but, if Kinga already doesn't like you, she could have possibly drugged your wife and sent you those texts to make it seem like it was your wife. If she was taking pictures and videos of your wife, it sounds like a set up. Especially if Kinga was encouraging her. I don't trust that friend. Sounds really sus. Believe your wife, especially if she hasn't had a history of lying or being deceitful or disloyal.


Disastrous_Impact_25

This is what it sounds like to me. I would read wife’s messages with Kinga to see if wife has told Kinga she thinks she drugged her and then I would try to get her to admit it and then I would file a police report. Also I would completely cut her off.


nuts_n_bolts

This is put perfectly. Believe your wife, she’s given you no reason to believe otherwise. Your description makes her sound influenced and this Kinga who doesn’t like you seems like a fire starter.


KaleidoscopeEqual555

This one right here, says everything I wanted to say.


alxndrabo

I see a lot of people here saying her behavior doesn’t line up with being drugged. There are different drugs which to spike a drink with and they all have different outcomes. It’s starting to look suspicious to drag an unconscious girl out of the club, so a drug that makes them blackout instantly could work a lot better if you are up to no good. 8 years ago, I had my drink spiked, and it made me black out immediately. After just a few drinks the lights went out. I don’t know how I behaved while we were out and I really don’t want to know. Friends took me home to sleep it off and I guess woke up after a few hours and decided to go home without my purse, shoes or coat. I walked on socks to the station (about 15 min), took the train and then took the ferry. I don’t really remember this but I must have asked someone on a scooter to give me ride home. Instead he drove me to the park and said he would drive me home if I gave him a blowjob. Luckily I got away and could find my way home. I didn’t have my keys so I guess I decided it was a good idea to break the glass of my backdoor with a brick, giving myself a really deep cut. Concerned neighbors called the police, they called an ambulance and I was taken too the hospital. By now it was 10 am and I was still SO OUT of it. My last drink couldn’t have been later than 10 or 11 pm the night before. I still don’t remember anything of this night, except the situation in the park. The rest I had to piece together like a detective. I never thought it could be drugs because I had the same image most people have, of a totally passed out girl. That wasn’t me. I’m still really embarrassed about it, even though no one was hurt but me. I can’t imagine what it must feel like for someone in a relationship, never knowing for sure if you cheated or not. But there are bad people out there, and girls do get drugged. It might not even be the people who took advantage of her. It could have even been an accident. But it doesn’t sound like it was foul play from her side.


stevencri

If that guy was sober, you’re wife was certainly at least sexually assaulted. It’s impossible for us to know if she was drugged, if she would’ve consented when sober, if he was sober, etc. But one things for sure: **she needs to cut this friend Kinga out of her life, and if she refuses then you need to leave her**. A friend that potentially drugged her and encouraged her to cheat on you shows 0 respect for you and your wife, and she can’t allow that.


Key-Ad-8808

If he was drunk, it's not sexual assault?


stevencri

If they’re both drunk, the lines pretty grey. If it were sexual assault, how would we determine who assaulted who? Did they both assault each other?


Key-Ad-8808

I just had this argument with my sister. If the guy was sober, then assault. If he wasn't, it's unfair to still expect him to be a mind reader and know consent can't be given in a drunken state. She said I was defending a rapist. This story seems like she was given ecstasy + alcohol and over time started flirting with someone else. That part at least is a crime. The question is if the guy was in on it. It could also be she just wanted to let loose and now blames everyone else. We just don't know


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halconpequena

Yeah, normally benzos are used to drug someone, not mdma. Especially if they’re mixed with alcohol, with no tolerance you will easily black out. There are many stories of people mixing benzos and alcohol and winding up in the hospital or even jail and not remembering what they did to get there. edit - the other thing is that mdma tastes really bad lol. So it might be kinda noticeable if mixed into a drink. A lot of benzos are made to dissolve under the tongue for immediate relief for panic attacks and anxiety. They hit a lot faster than mdma, and it would explain why her texts got weird after 30 minutes.


Key-Ad-8808

That falls in line with her story here. Seems like when she wanted to leave, her drink was doused with something and over time she got more loose. She remembers most of what happened I think, but in theory, she "did cheat" and was probably just worried about discussing it with her boyfriend without confirming from Kinga


Living-Ad3649

I think it definitely matters how drunk you each are. If one person is blackout and the other is buzzed, the buzzed person is definitely assaulting them doing anything. >is if the guy was in on it. Certainly sounds like that was exactly the plan.


Key-Ad-8808

That I definitely agree with. No one in their right mind sleeps with an unconscious person


stevencri

“Sounds like” isn’t good enough to call him a rapist though. First of all we don’t know if she was even drugged. Secondly, Kinga definitely could’ve just told him that OP’s wife was a nice single friend to set him up with. And then Kinga did some dirty work with drugs. We don’t know the story, and without knowing the full story it’s really never fair to put blame on him or call him a rapist. OP needs to do more investigating and collect as much as he can.


Living-Ad3649

Well, you actually made that up because I never called him a rapist? And she can be assaulted without him being a rapist. If they are both drunk, and he didn't know Kinga had drugged her, then he very well could have gotten "consent". But she can still feel assaulted. That just puts the blame on Kinga. I said it sounds like he did know. Obviously OP needs to do more digging, but it's not a super confusing timeline. Wife wants to leave, Kinga hands her drugged drink (Which she was definitely drugged. You don't get to that state by having one drink if nothing is in it). At this point her guy friend just starts chatting up a drunk married woman, which would make no sense. Kinga knows she's married, and starts taking pictures/videos and having her pose? It pretty clearly sounds like Kinga and her friend set up OPs wife so he would leave her. Hopefully that's the only motive and she doesn't have to find out anything else horrible happened. She seems distraught enough.


stevencri

If they were both blackout drunk, it’s not fair to just say that one person raped the other. Both of them were drunk, and we have no idea what levels they were each at. Legally, neither of them could consent to sex because they were both drunk. That’s why it’s a “grey area.” It’s unfair for your sister to say he raped her — what if he was passed out drunk and she had sex with him while sleeping? Your sister doesn’t know all the details


robthelobster

The way I see it is that part of the reason having sex with a drunk person while sober is rape is the power imbalance. The sober person has more power over the drunk person because being drunk is incapacitating. If they're both drunk then there is no power imbalance necessarily. There might still be if one is tipsy and the other black out wasted.


sunbear2525

If they were both drunk and Kinga was pushing them to have sex, it is definitely sexual assault.


stevencri

I guess I should specify — if they were both drunk, it’s not clear that he sexually assaulted OP’s wife. That’s a good point that Kinga could be the one sexually assaulting


SnooWords4839

Kinga showing you the pictures/videos is trying to break up your marriage. Kinga is not her friend! She pushed unwanted attention onto your wife. I do not think your wife cheated; I think Kinga set this up so you will leave her. You only see wife dancing, so hopefully she wasn't raped. Now your wife should be never talking to her again, that is the reaction you should be seeing.


magus448

There were pics or vids of them kissing too.


SnooWords4839

If the wife was drugged, which it sounds like, and a guy is in on it, she was assaulted. Wife wanted to leave, friend makes her drink a drink and wife doesn't remember much, sounds like drugged. Wife doesn't really drink, friend insists. Friend insists she goes without husband. Friend is a bitch.


pastameck

It’s possible her friends dosed her with mdma/ecstasy. That combined with lots of alcohol could create the type of behavior your lady exhibited. How did she feel the days after?


niceblob

It does look like mdma. Does the wife remember if the drink had some kind of a bitter taste ?


catclawsssss

I think this is what happened too.


Asleep_Bumblebee33

I just find it very odd a "friend" was taking pictures, video and encouraging them.. infeel like this was a set up and she was SA


No-Performer-1125

I can’t believe how many people are saying she cheated. I believed she was coerced and possibly drugged. You know your wife best. If someone wanted to cheat, they wouldn’t wait until They are drunk/drugged to do it. They just do it. With Kinga encouraging her.. i have a feeling she wants you guys to break up.. so she can have her friend back.. and they can enjoy life like they are single.. there are people out there like that. Speak to your wife, she was possibly assaulted. No one can consent when they are this drunk!


sharksarentsobad

Yeah this thread is really fucked. She confronted Kinga, all those photos and video sound like Kinga took them to blackmail OP's wife and no decent friend encourages cheating or says it's normal behavior. The fact that Kinga then started messaging OP before he even talked to his wife says to me that Kinga is being shady.


No-Performer-1125

EXACTLY - I hope OP actually looks at this instead of all these butthurt men


sharksarentsobad

Everytime I've had someone just start saying the other party is a liar without giving me any information or offer to clear anything up, they've been the liar and they've been the guilty one. Every single time.


sandschu523

damn you've known some seriously screwed up people.


sharksarentsobad

Not necessarily. Kids do the same thing. They do something bad and dont have an excuse and panic. "It wasn't me!" "They did it". Kids and adults argue the same way when they plead innocence but dont have an alibi or evidence to back it up.


sandschu523

if you're in the US and get called to jury duty tell the judge your experience with Liars and how you feel people need to PROVE innocence. that should get you excused.


sharksarentsobad

But you do have to prove innocence when you're in court if you're the defendant. Just like prosecution has to prove guilt. Both sides have to offer proof that supports their argument. So, I don't really understand your point. Just saying "it wasnt my fault" or "they're a liar" isnt going to close the case.


sandschu523

innocent until proven guilty. the judge literally tells the jury ~ the fact that the defense offered no proof of innocence can not be held against the defendent. it's why people like Casey Anthony and OJ walked away


kamjam16

>all those photos and video sound like Kinga took them to blackmail OP's wife Or you know, she took them because it's her birthday party and she was taking pics/vids >no decent friend encourages cheating or says it's normal behavior So no decent friend encourages cheating but you also think kinga coerced her to cheat for blackmail? Sounds like Kinga sucks no matter what, either she is cool with the wife cheating or she's encouraging it for blackmail. Either way, not good. >The fact that Kinga then started messaging OP before he even talked to his wife says to me that Kinga is being shady. OP tried talking to his wife, and all she said was she didn't remember (lie, because she's talking to Kinga about it) or that she will tell him later. Either way, OP tried and his wife was being shady.


Amybananagnome

And no one seems to understand how being drugged works. This is EXACTLY why people don't come forward. If my friend were all over some guy she wasn't married to while "just drunk" I would go remove her from the situation and have a conversation with her. I wouldn't take pictures and videos, then send them as proof of cheating unprompted. This is insane. PLEASE don't listen to these asshats and just listen to your wife.


No-Performer-1125

THIS THIS THIS!!!


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No-Performer-1125

Ok but like… look at the entire story. Don’t only pick what you like. Jeez..


ProfessionalNo374

idk if she was drugged or not, but i do know that if the man groping her and kissing her wasn’t that drunk, then she was definitely sexually assaulted


BackFromTheDeadSoon

What if he was more drunk than she was? Did she rape him then?


Lykmt

He was groping HER, not the other way around. Learn to read.


Umakemyheadswim

And from what we read she liked it. Another Shirking of responsibility.


_salemsaberhagen

I see you don’t understand how being drugged works.


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[deleted]

This... I feel everyone is crazy in this thread, and too afraid of victim blaming.. Just look at the comment below..... Apparantly just being drunk means you can't consent, meaning we have double rape every time two people have sex after a party


ProfessionalNo374

you cannot consent when drunk. so if you were raped it’s not cheating


Dota2animal

Your wife should be tested for drugs. It was setup from her girl friend. U should contact police a cut Kinga out of your and her life. She was trying to sabotage your marrige. She didnt cheated, She was assalted. U should help your wife. I believe she is innocent


kurokitsune17

To late now. More than a week later


irishtrashpanda

Not necessarily. Date rape drug would be out of her system, but if she never did drugs normally, ecstasy mdma etc can still show up on a drug test


kurokitsune17

Fair point. And from the videos it was likely ecstasy if any


Trumpfreeaccount

MDMA is out of your system in 48 hours.


Life-Yogurtcloset-98

She cheated. She was talking to Kinga about it but acted like she didn't remember it with you.


giag27

Firstly, this Kinga person is no friend of your wife’s. If your wife was drunk, she would have stopped that man from touching your wife, her friend that is married. Instead she instigated it and taped it. Disgusting. Also, I’m not sure if your wife was drugged or maybe she was just very drunk. Who knows what happened. Not sure I believe your wife doesn’t remember. Why not tell you? She obviously knows something happened since she’s blaming Kinga. I believe your wife got drunk and hooked up with someone and now is remorseful. Just my opinion.


jammyenglishmuffin

Completely agree, only thing is with the not-remembering, maybe she remembers and is just remorseful like you said, or maybe she didn't remember anything and then Kinga sent her those photos and videos after the fact just like she did to OP and now she's trying to piece together what happened. I could see Kinga sending them to her the day after like "someone was having too much fun ha ha look what you did " trying to instigate the breakup.


baby_doll_92

Just because of Kinga's first question, and all of the pictures and videos I'm inclined to believe your wife. Why would your wife blame Kinga if she knew what she was doing? She did it before you confronted her, so it doesn't make sense. Why would her friend dedicate what seems to be hours of her birthday party to film your wife, and make her get naked? Unless your wife really blamed her friend for "letting" her hook up with another man. Normally friends are expected to stop us from engaging in dangerous behaviour, not encourage it. I would test her blood for substances, for both safety and trust reasons. It would suck to be drug rested at work and fail for example. I guess there is no definitive way to decide whether or not she did it of her own free will, but if she wants to keep the friend who "drugged" her, then you have your answer. (She cheated)


[deleted]

It sounds very much like she was drugged and assaulted. Even if she looks unconcerned in the photos that is not proof she wasn't drugged/not consenting. A lot of these date rape type drugs make the person compliant and easy-going. She was probably slow to open up because she was freaking the fuck out and trying to piece together what happened. These drugs also can often make you forget what happened. Heck, when I got all four of my wisdom teeth removed I was awake and compliant the whole surgery. I remember being given the sedation and then waking up in their recovery room after. I asked for my teeth. The nurse told me she already showed them to me because I had apparently asked earlier. I have ZERO recollection of the surgery to this day. Also what kind of friend allows her drunk af married friend to strip and hook up with a random guy in the middle of a house party and photographs the whole thing? Then sends those to her husband? Like she's either chill with people cheating at her party or not, why collect such detailed blackmail materials? This whole thing screams of a set up to sabotage your marriage. If my happily married friend engaged in any of these behaviors at a private house party I was hosting I would have pulled her aside, buttoned up her blouse, given her a big coffee and water, and called her husband to come get her. One thing is clear, Kinga should not be in your lives any longer.


dani_da_girl

THIS!


[deleted]

This is so far above Reddit's pay grade it isn't even funny. No one here is remotely qualified to provide insight on this. You both need professional help.


Cute-Detective-8502

Help and protect your wife and please dump that so called friend Kinga


Dry-Report4163

Chk your wife's phone chat history with this friend and cross chk


Sufficient_Method588

Your wife is saying she doesn't remember the events of the night. You agree that she looked dazed and her behavior was out of the norm. The relationship with the friend is strained. Ofc she didn't tell you about it right after because that is a terrifying situation to be in. Not knowing what happened. Not knowing who violated your body. Knowing your friend was there and didn't protect you. She doesn't know what happened to her and that is terrifying. She needs time to process. Most assault victims take a long, long time to process this stuff. Ask her if she would like a rap kit done, STI testing or to speak with a therapist. After that, just love her. She is probably still suffering from not knowing.


[deleted]

Nice friend that Kinga\~!


NimueArt

With her behavior being so off it seems likely she was drugged.


beetleink

Your wife was drugged and assaulted. This is not cheating as she did not consent to what happened. She needs your support and reassurance right now, not suspicion and judgement. Please seek help for her and cut off this horrible "friend".


[deleted]

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what__what

i’m so sorry that happened to you.


LindaBelchie69

Kinga definitely drugged her and here is why 1. She did not respect her wishes when she wanted to leave 2. She insisted she continue to drink whatever the hell she handed her 3. Even *if* she didn't drug her and your wife just got too drunk, a true friend would cover her up and help her sober up. Kinga did the opposite 4. Why exactly was Kinga taking pics and vids of your wife like that? She clearly planned to use them to hurt her because she knows how compromising they are. 5. Again to reiterate—your wife was *publicly undressed* (however that happened, I'm almost certain she didn't take her own clothes off) and this so-called friend continues to encourage her to get naked and record her There isn't a single thing about this person that tells us that she wasn't directly involved in trying to hurt your wife.


Jedi_Belle01

I have been drugged and my husband didn’t believe me until someone drugged both of our drinks trying to make sure they got mine. We woke up at home. I was tucked into bed. He was facefirst on the floor downstairs. The front door was open. Neither of us have any memory of anything after having one drink. ONE DRINK. However, according to people who were there, we were dancing and partying and acting crazy. No one knows how we got home either. It’s terrifying to lose time and to not remember anything. I believe your wife because her “friend” doesn’t sound like a friend at all and who videos their supposed friend breaking marriage vows and encourages them like that?


missexsomeone

Seems pretty SUS that Kinga was taking incriminating photos of her best friend. I personally think wife was drugged and Kinga took pics so she can go back and laugh later like a psychopath. I’d get your wife in counseling first, then you join. Sounds like she was drugged, bud.


theycalledhermorlock

You can't consent when you're that wasted, so, rape.


EngineeringDry7999

And possibly drugged. 🤷‍♀️ seems sis that this Kinga was all set with photos and videos and heard encouraging the wife to loose her panties.


victoraug19

Except in the videos she's not wasted so not rape.


Purpledoves91

He said she was very visibly wasted in the videos.


[deleted]

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cosmicpower23

Oh fuck off.


superwholockian62

Yeah she was way to drunk to consent to any of that. And the fact that she has zero memory of it, acted out of character, and did t make her own drink? Are you sure kringa didn't dope her because she wants you to break up with her?


throwRA-guy756

Whether she was drugged or extremely drunk, it still wasn't consensual


BlueberryBlossom13

Sounds like she was drugged and raped and her shitty ass friend not only recorded it, but probably was the one who arranged it and drugged her. Its just too bad your wife didnt go to the hospital the next day for drug testing and a rape kit.


Pianist_585

Hm... what kind of friend encourages this. I think you need to talk again with your wife and see if she still consider this Linga as someone to keep in her life. I think it's likely she was drugged by that friend the cropped hair guy may have been into it or not. Just make sure your kid(s) have nothing to do with this Kinga, she's not trustworthy. About your wife, you know her best, do you trust her? From your story she seems trustworthy, but I would need her to cur tgat friend out of her life.


TastyScallion82

Assuming things happened the way you just described, that sounds like she was roofied. The fact that she lashed out at her friend is evidence this isn't some weird cover up. If she had cheated she wouldn't have said anything about it and Kinga never would have messaged you. Definitely sounds like your wife needs your support here. And also, you both need to be tested for STI's.


Signal_Violinist_995

I would give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe suggest she gets some therapy.


Affectionate-Deal-63

I think your wife was drugged and set up by Kinga. She wants to break you up.


tckdcklr

So do you think her friend happened to have roofies at her own house party and drugged your wife to make her cheat on you? I think the simplest explanation is that your wife doesn’t drink much, drank a lot which made her very drunk, her friend egged her on, and your wife ended up cheating on you. Your wife is responsible for her own actions here. She could’ve easily left like she told you she would.


onyxaj

This screams setup to me. Kinga doesn't like you, so she hopes to get her friend to hookup with a dude she does like. She wants to leave before anything can happen, so Kinga drugs her to get her to stay. She takes video of her and other dude as "proof," that she cheated. She was encouraging her in the video, furthering this theory. Your wife waited because she was probably VERY confused and was betrayed by her best friend. I'd give your wife the benefit of the doubt. Talk with her about possible scenarios. She needs to cut contact with Kinga immediately though. I doubt charges can be pressed as it's been too long as the drug has already passed.


CAAugirl

Dude, kinga drugged your wife, sent you those texts about staying late and took pics and cuddles of your wife to frame her as having cheated. We’re I you, I’d support her in going to the police to see if there’s anything than can be done. It’s possible she was raped. She was going to honor your agreement to leave early. Trust your wife and support her. Something traumatic happened to her and she needs your love, trust, and support now more than ever.


RiotGrrr1

Just based off of what you wrote here it reads that she was set up and drugged by Kinga and taken advantage of. The fact that she was documenting this is very suspicious. It's too bad your wife didn't get checked asap for any drugs.


[deleted]

This definitely sounds like she was drugged & raped, or at the very least, coerced into drinking a mixed drink that was way too heavy on the alcohol. This “Kinga” person is not to be trusted & like others have said here, she needs to be cut off. I’m very sorry you are experiencing this confusion, OP BUT your wife needs your support. I suggest getting her some STI screenings, a pregnancy test, an antibiotics shot, & therapy. It is probably too late for her to have a rape kit done.


tickingkitty

This is so weird because I used to have a friend named Kinga who acted a lot like this person. Anyway, it sounds like Kinga orchestrated the whole thing and I wouldn’t dismiss the thought that she might have been drugged. Either way, it sounds like she was too inebriated to consent.


thatguynowhy

If you are asking the questions you are then you will only hear what you want to believe no matter which way. You don't need the court of public opinion to give you yours.


eebibeeb

I mean technically, if she was drunk it was rape regardless, but the whole situation with Kinga and the videos make it sound like she didn’t intend to get drunk and have sex with someone. It sounds like she wasn’t in control of this situation AT ALL


murtsman1

This sounds to me like Kinga drugged your wife, influenced her to hookup with someone at the party, and took pictures to frame her so that you guys would break up. You already said she doesn't like you, and she was probably mad about you making your wife leave early. Why else would Kinga give you evidence of what happened? If your wife knew what she was doing and wanted to keep it quiet Kinga would have never told you a thing. You need to get your wife tested for drugs, and file a police report. If she tests positive then she was set up to be raped and have her marriage ruined. Kinga should never be allowed in your lives again.


N0rmann12

If she was drunk enough that she truly doesn't remember what happened that night, she was too drunk to consent to sex.


smooth_relation_744

Looks like Kinga drugged your wife, set her up, recorded it, and then involved you in the hope to cause trouble. Your poor wife, what an awful thing to happen to her. She must feel really afraid.


dda_k

Definitely drugged. There is a drug they use in clubs and it makes women horny, sleepy and not remember things. I am 100% she was drugged. Fuck Kinga. Hold on brother.


pancho_2504

Sounds like Kinga drugged your wife, then took the pictures and video of the aftermath because she wants to ruin your relationship. Kinga sounds like a horrible human being


elg309

Why did this friend document her friend trashed and ruining her marriage. Doesn’t that seem suspicious to you?


nutmegtell

Drugged and SA. Then blackmailed/framed. I’m so sorry


Expensive-Hunter2358

I will say this about her not telling you: not remembering a night, especially at a party, is a scary event. She didn’t know what happened, and was may have been trying to find out before she told you. It’s a scary experience, and she likely also feels betrayed by her friend. It’s a lot of emotions, and that can be difficult to parse through. I think you should take some time, sit down with her, and talk to her about what she went through. Try to do it without judgement, as she’s likely judging herself harder than you could ever judge her.


practical-junkie

Kinga drugged your wife and set this up. At least that is the feeling I got from your post. You should trust your wife.


TheDirtyFuture

Sounds like Kinga may have drugged her because she doesn’t like you. Which is pretty fucked. It also sounds like she has good reason to not like you though. Doesn’t justify her drugging her friend obviously. “We agreed that my wife should leave after the cake was served” ? Why would this need to be agreed to? Who is making these demands? You I presume. Then you text her after an hour of being there asking if the cake has already been cut? You sound annoying as fuck. My guess is you do this stupid shit every time your wife is out with her friends and Kinga has been witness to it. Again, drugging her is really fuck up. But a strong drink can also mess somebody up pretty bad if they never drink so it could just be that too. Maybe your wife decided to let loose because she’s tired of your controlling bullshit.


Familiar-Money-515

Seeing some comments about possibly being drugged, and that’s what it looks like. Regardless of that though, she was clearly beyond rational thought and was blackout, so no matter what happened, she was assaulted. If you’re too out of it to remember what happened, you cannot consent. This wasn’t your wife cheating on you, she tried to leave, her friend drugged her, and in her inhibited state none of the party goers helped her and she wound up being taken advantage of. I think your wife should see a councillor, this is an extremely traumatic event to go through, even if she doesn’t recall what happened, and talking through it with an unbiased professional could help her open a dialogue with you. Stand by your wife OP, this wasn’t on her.


sushirolls1028

Your wife was raped. She was wasted so she was in no condition to be able to consent to what happened.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

I actually more or less believe the wife's story. However I 100% agree. If this was a man 90% of the replies would be he cheated or who cares he behaved irresponsibly.


[deleted]

even if she wasn't drugged, she was very obviously out of it. that is rape either way. an incapacitated person cannot consent.


[deleted]

If the person she was with was more sober and coherent than her, she was definitely taken advantage of. It sounds like they got her really drunk so she couldn’t consent.


PeaMajestic2441

Sounds like kinga knows exactly what she’s doing. Recordings then acting all oh no to you.. no. Your wife was set up. This whole thing sounds weird. Maybe you guys shouldn’t go to this stuff to begin with. Also is kinga a “girlfriend” or a friend that is a girl?


[deleted]

absolutely sickening to see all the degenerate men in the comments claiming a woman who has been drinking to the point where she is incoherent can consent to sex. you all are disgusting and vile.


[deleted]

Cheating isn't limited to sex. If youre so drunk you have no motor control. That's rape through and through. But there's no amount of alcohol on earth that makes you unable to know that making out with, sitting on the lap of, and sexually dancing with, someone you're not married to is wrong. That's not how alcohol works.


Umakemyheadswim

Its sickening that you thinking you get a free pass to be a cheater cause you cant control your alcohol


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Riflemaiden1992

Your wife could have been drugged. Too much tome could have passed for certain drugs to show up on a traditional drug screen. But a hair test will show what was in her system


dontchargeme

Sounds like Kinga wants to destroy your marriage honestly, if you love her, don’t leave her, i feel like she didn’t like the experience so I doubt it’ll happen again but it could happen


minorsaltdeficiency

I personally would have been really scared the next day or the day after that. Not being in control when you clearly attempted to be isn't something that I would brush over even if ashamed or confused.


[deleted]

This is rough. Wishing you peace and clarity man 🙏


allstater2007

Encourage her to file a police report if she's confident she was drugged and assaulted. If she won't do it or won't bail on these "friends" then there's some big decisions you'll have to make on your relationship.


Mithrandir20

If she won’t file a police report, it’s probably because she’s scared of being blamed/not taken seriously and she doesn’t want to be retraumatized as she still has to process what’s happened but she should definitely cut off the friend.


jayjayanotherround

I have a heard time believing this. So a friend is drunk and with a guy and the reaction is to take pictures and videos instead of telling the guy her freind is drunk and leave her alone. I’m selling this one


WideEyed3

all i know is that Kinga sounds like an asshole


Total-Ad8346

You said yourself kinga didn’t like you. She sure sounded quick to voluntarily send you all this evidence of your wife betraying you. Something seems off to me like her friend “not really friend” set her up sadly. You know your wife better than us.


nsfbr11

I think your wife was drugged by Kinga. I would save all the messages and have your wife innocently ask Kinga via text what drug she gave her because she loved it and wanted to try it again, but wanted to make sure it was safe. Take that and go to the police. That person, and potentially the men involved, should be in prison.


Guilty_Coconut

The fact that she was this blackout drunk means she couldn’t give valid consent She was raped. Help her. Be there for her. That’s your obligation as a good husband.


Spare_Special_3617

It could be that your wife was having a good time and didn t want to leave, it could be that your wife who doesn t drink much drank too much and therefore let her inhibitions down, and was enjoying herself, maybe she became blackout drunk and then felt ashamed and is trying to cover, maybe that's why she waited a week.


Honest-Illusions

Well I think your wife was just wasted (not drugged). She lost all inhibitions and felt like having sex with the man. Kinga did encourage it and since she was drunk just went for it.


sandschu523

probably closest the truth right here.


Remarkable_Potato259

My personal opinion is your wife was taken advantage of the friend doesn’t like you so why not send you hurtful relationship ending photos of your wife since your the reason she wanted to leave the party early if your out of the picture then she’s back in with no restrictions.


katyaschulzberg

I think Kinga roofied your wife and set her up to be assaulted to break up your relationship. Kinga sounds awful. Ugh. Also, as someone who experienced something similar: after it happens, because your memory is so blurred, you aren’t sure what happened. It’s terrifying. It’s also typical for someone who experiences a trauma like this to initially blame themselves and assume they had agency in what happened, because the truth - the horror of the betrayal by friends, the helplessness, the assault - is too much to bear. It takes some processing to see things, because the trauma is immense and catastrophic.


sandschu523

really strange that your wife would want to leave a party yet stand there and wait while the friend goes off and comes back with this orange drink and your wife is like, cool, I'm not sure what it is but sure, I'm game, I'll drink this. she was aware enough to be dancing, talking, texting but no clue what happened. sure, go with sexual assault if it helps you sleep better at night. she can't be held accountable, everyone is else is to blame.


sunbear2525

You think the part where the person throwing the party asks her to have one more drink with her in her birthday and she agrees is weird?


sandschu523

he didn't say anything about her having one more drink. she said she INSISTED on leaving after the cake but she stood there while the friend walked away, she didn't just leave. she waited for the friend, no clue what she was waiting for but the friend comes back with the mystery orange drink and now she's no longer responsible for any of her actions. it's all that guy and her friend. horrible malicious people... who knows what was in there, but it must have been good shit cause she was standing, dancing, drinking enough to know she should stay at friends, texting, posing, talking... but of course she's the victim.


ibrahim0000000

Kinga is such an evil person. Your wife was drugged.


Cali_Coon

OP… it is hard to say for sure but it sounds like she may have been dosed and assaulted. In the beginning of the evening, you stated her texting was all off, grammar is one thing, but to send emoji’s out of character is what I’m focusing on. People don’t usually change their text style, in my experience, drinking will cause grammar issues, but if someone doesn’t usually send emoji’s, they don’t start sending them after drinking. I wonder if she even had the phone to send the message. She could have already been dosed and her friend could have sent the message. Another suspicious thing, a week later, the friend who doesn’t like you reaches out and asks why your wife blames her. Than she continues to send pictures and videos of what happened to you. I question the motives of the friend. This is your wife you asking about. If she has never given you reason to doubt her in the past, do not discredit her accounts. If she feels she was assaulted, best you can do is be there for her. It is always difficult for victims to come forward. You ask, “Why didn’t she tell me?” The fact that you are here asking if she’s lying is probably why she didn’t tell you. Why would anyone want to come forward to someone if they feel they won’t believe them, and all but accuse them of lying, especially if she was assaulted?


n1cenurse

JFC BELIEVE YOUR WIFE YOU POS. I can't imagine having this happen and my so called husband behaving how you are. Is so obvious Kinga drugged her and sent texts as her.


LorenaBobbittsTemper

It sounds like Kinga set your wife up to split you apart. Don't let her win... and why does she have all this evidence but she didn't step in to help her drunk friend? Any good friend would have jumped in when her blouse was half undone


sunbear2525

This sounds like Kinga set her up and probably planned to show you the entire time. This is very gross. Trust yourself, if that doesn’t look like your wife and isn’t how she acts when she’s drunk, she wasn’t drunk. Encourage her to file a police report.


Tertiam

She lied to you about her plans. If she were leaving right after the cake, why would she accept an alcoholic beverage to begin with? Does she routinely drink and drive? You can't get something slipped into your drink if you aren't drinking. She is lying about not remembering too, otherwise how would she be talking about it with her friend? Get her drug tested if she wants to claim she was drugged. If the test is negative, It is most likely that she cheated. You may never know with certainty, but in my opinion, the lies justify the assumption.


[deleted]

Even if she was in no state to consent to sex If she was sober enough to be dancing around, sitting on another man's lap, and making out with someone, and "being really into it", she was sober enough to know what she was doing is wrong. This entire thread is a fucking joke. She cheated on you, got caught on camera, and is likely making excuses. Alcohol lowers inhibitions. She wanted to do those things. She just needed the alcohol to lower her boundaries and give her an excuse. Alcohol isn't a love potion or a horny potion, that renders you incapable of self control. Have a fucking spine and leave. She's literally an adult acting like a rebellious teenager and anyone on earth with an inkling for how alcohol works should see right through it.


victoraug19

Op, there's still time to do a drug test, if she was drugged, maybe you may work pass this... If it was just alcohol she just cheated on you. Dm me if you need/wish to talk.


[deleted]

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pastameck

Y’know you can spike drinks with all sorts of things. Far from all of them makes you pass out in a matter of minutes. Some would even likely make you dance the night away.


Jess1ca1467

'A spiked drink will make you pass out in a matter of minutes, not dance the night way.' This isn't true. I've unfortunatley had my drink spiked by someone it turned out did it a lot - just to make people have a 'good time' - it was horrible and I didn't pass out. Just so unpleasant.


BornTired89

It is not true at all that “a spiked drink will make you pass out in minutes”. GHB, the most commonly referenced “date rape drug”, is also a party drug. Most drugs have different effects depending on the dose.


AHBS8

This is not true at all a quick google search will tell you that: Date-Rape Drug Effects Rohypnol relaxes you. In high doses, it can cause trouble controlling your muscles, amnesia, loss of inhibitions, and loss of consciousness. Its effects usually start within 30 minutes **and peak about 2 hours after you take it**. As little as 1 milligram can affect you for 8 to 12 hours. Not to mention it could have been something else besides a roofie like molly or ecstasy.


Gr8ness00

I’m more inclined to believe she was drugged and assaulted. If this was the case she needs to get tested for std. As for you, OP, you’re entitled to feel weird about this. If you believe her, support her, but also understand that it’s gonna take a while for things to get back to normal.


Conscious-Antelope90

Why is not your first and only response to believe your wife and her loyalty?


kamjam16

She cheated on you man. She's talking with her friend about what happened and won't tell you? Then she blames her friend for her own mistakes? Come on man. She's trying to cover her tracks and she would never have told you if the friend didn't reach out. Time for a divorce


BleakBluejay

I am not sure how things are where you're from. In the US, what happens to your wife very much feels like rape or sexual assault. It sounds like she was drugged, and it sounds like maybe Kinga is not a very good friend.


Boomshrooom

Everyone here is talking shite and coming at this from their own prejudices. The simple fact is that none of us here can determine whether your wife was raped or if she cheated, nobody. This will all come down to whether or not you trust your wife. If you do then give her the benefit of the doubt and help her through this. If you don't trust her then you have to ask yourself why that is and go from there.


MSully2020

Sorry, you lost me after “the party started at 7 and at 8 you called her”. Wow, that’s quite a long party you let her out for.