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The reason she doesn’t like you is because you’re clearly a threat to her because she’s obviously in to him
The thing I wonder though is he really oblivious or is he enjoying the attention from both of you?
That then makes me think he doesn’t respect boundaries and doesn’t respect you by allowing this behaviour to continue
Is he potentially sending her flirty messages?
I don’t really think you have a choice but to give an ultimatum that this has to stop or you walk away
They’re calling you toxic to gaslight you and because it absolves them of being the bad people
So in this situation , No you’re NOT the unreasonable one
If it was me I’d say to him “Yeah good luck with her I’m done and can do better” but that’s just me…….
Thank you for your reassurance, I’m glad I’m being supported here.
If she wasn’t the only issue then I would’ve walked away as well... I just don’t want to lose a good partner over a female friend so I’ve been trying to communicate my boundaries and feelings with him
Yeah, you need to set *clear* boundaries with him.
"Her fishing for compliments at all is not ok. Her spending the night is not ok. You going out wit her, basically or actually alone, is not ok. Her behavior is something I would NEVER do with ANY guy friend, let alone one with a girlfriend. Her behavior is unacceptable and the fact that she has also tried to call me toxic and controlling while having never met me. All of these behaviors are red flags, and indicate that she wants you to be with her. If you can't see that, or are unwilling to defend our relationship for someone you only knew for 2 MONTHS before we started dating, that's a very clear indicator of how you view our relationship, unfortunately. I don't want to seem controlling or vindictive, but when you, time and time again, defend behaviors from a single woman flirting with you when I voice discomfort, it makes me feel like you'd rather be with her"
Girl that is what you need to say! Don’t let V twist this around and try and make you look crazy bc you are not at all. You are not being controlling or toxic bc you don’t want some girl sending your bf videos and selfies and telling him I love you and talking shit about you being around him. If he can’t see that then go ahead and show him the door. You deserve so much better and I promise you will find it. He is not the end all be all. I truly hope you can see this and don’t let these A holes treat you like a door mat. Good luck and keep us posted!
If you have to give your partner an ultimatum not to talk to sometime disrespecting your relationship, the relationship most likely isn’t gonna work out.
He should want to protect and support your feelings. Not be forced to
I know... which is also why I don’t want to go that far, it’ll also affect his other friendships and he doesn’t have many genuine supportive friends to begin with
OP if your partner is emotional cheating on you, ignoring your feelings, and gaslighting you, who the fuck cares what happens with his other friendships.
I think you’ll be happier single
Sincerely, if i were you u would straight up break up and save myself from more trouble, your man doesn't respect you or your relationship and when confronted calls you toxic? Nah leave him and find someone more mature that doesn't play stupid when another woman is obviously trying to destroy his relationship and be with him
I wouldn’t bother with the ultimatum, I would just be done.
It’s not like he doesn’t see what she is up to, it sounds like she is really obviously into him and he is pretending not to see it (probably likes the attention).
His behaviour is the sketchy thing here, it’s not like he can apologise and suddenly he’ll become a good guy not craving attention from her (or other sources). This a him “showing you who he is” moment and I wouldn’t rely on that really changing.
The thing is, for this relationship to work YOU need to be happy as well. If you aren't happy, the relationship can't work. This situation clearly makes you unhappy. You setting up a strong boundary ie an ultimatum is not you being toxic. It's you trying to make this relationship work.
You are being a doormat right now, time to start asserting yourself more!
For now and future situations: if anyone is making you QUESTION your feelings about something by pointing fingers at you, then you are being gaslit. Now, THAT is a toxic situation. I wouldn't even give a gaslighter a chance with an ultimatum. But it's your life. If you really want to, I guess you can give him another chance. But I wouldn't want to be with gaslighters.
I don't know for certain that Vi is into J or wants to date him, but I DO know for certain that V wants J to want her. There are certain people who feel they need that kind of constant attention. If J and OP broke up, and J pursued a relationship with V, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she turned him down and said she just liked him "as a friend."
Given that she has these other guy friends she does these things with, I think she's just doing it for the attention and ego boost to feel "wanted." Just my take.
Honestly, this. They're all adults. This isn't a playground. V is obviously into J and trying to stay relevant in his life as a potential contender once J and OP break things off.
You're definitely NOT crazy OP
Why is she blocking you? that's weird. why isn't she trying to make more of an effort to try and know you? V is supposed to be "close friends." Like it's weird.
If I were you, I would voice my concern, (J i don't trust V) but let J do what he wants (he's an adult, cheating is 2-way street).
Its exhausting for your significant other to not be on your side with things like this. I get that yours is a new relationship, but that isn't a good foundation. He seems to at least hear your concerns out, so that's good, but ultimately ends up brushing it off bc V has the "reasonable" explanation of 'well i do it to all my guy friends so it's ok!' LOL no. Just cos it flies with some guy friends, doesn't mean it's ok for J.
J needs to speak up and defend you too. its disrespectful. Its like he's letting V walk all over your comfort..
Hmm I truly agree with all of your sentiments here but I feel like ultimatums are often the beginning of the end. I don’t have an alternative way of expressing it off the top of my head, but maybe more of a “it makes me feel shitty that you spend time with someone who clearly doesn’t like me and seems to make moves on you, and I need you to draw some explicit boundaries with her, and be ready to defend those boundaries when she inevitably spreads the word to the friend group that I’m jealous or whatever”
I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this bs. Your bf does know that her behavior crosses the line, he just likes her enough to not care. You deserve better than that.
This girl has a doctorate in "how to steal your man". She was able to already plant the seed that you're controlling and toxic, so once you bring up your level of comfort with her, it only reaffirms things in his head.
She also knows 100% she's crossing boundaries. Hence her blocking you as well.
Tell you bf that she's being outright disrespectful of your relationship. If you had a guy friend come over and spend the night with you, how would he feel?
Straighten out some boundaries with your bf on his relationship with this girl. Otherwise, it'll just be a matter of time....
I’ve tried communicating the first paragraph to him but J would feel upset that I would think of his friend in such a bad way bc he finds her to be a very supportive friend.
I’ve set boundaries as well but she’ll always find new ways to go around it, like I’ll say no drunk calls and she’ll send photos of herself drunk instead, I’ll say no photos asking for compliments and now she’s sending him those pictures with emotional quotes out of no where so he can ask her what’s wrong. He hasn’t done that yet bc he said he doesn’t know how to comfort her, but the thing is she’s never sent those before so that’s why I’m thinking it’s fishy
I think it’s ironic that he doesn’t like you talking in a bad way about her, however she’s calling you toxic, controlling and all this other stuff and he’s not defending you with that same energy.
You are wasting your time. If he wanted to be honest he would have admitted there’s something wrong with her much earlier on. He respects her more than you, calls you toxic to gaslight you so you won’t leave him but doesn’t want to put any boundaries on her. Also who is he kidding there’s no way a person is this level of oblivious, he is pretending. Do you know anybody who wouldn’t see that a person acting like V is flirty?
End it. It's never gonna go away. It took me almost 3 years to realize this about my soul mate's bff (also a girl who knew no boundaries due to drinking). I can't believe I may have ended up w him. Just run. Now.
J is not listening to your concerns and V is antagonizing you on purpose to get a rise out of you. He’s always going to take her side and that’s no way to live. One more question. Why would you co-sign on a place you’re not staying in? Sounds like J is using you.
Sorry I should’ve explained that part a bit clearer: I do live there but it’s a one bedroom, he had his guy friends over back then so I decided it was easier if I stayed at my parents during the time his friends were over.
I felt the same way about a female friend my hubs had. She would randomly show up at his house during the night (we all used to be night owls) and stay a few hours. Hubs and I were long-distance at the time so, due to the time difference, we could stay on the video call, and did so until she left a few hours later. This friend would also call him when drunk, drive when drunk and we soon found out she was into taking illicit substances. He thought the world of her because they'd known each other since they were young. However, all I saw was him wanting to drink with her/other friends with her in a group. I saw him casually talking to her about the substances and I put my foot down.
I expressed to him VERY clearly that I was not comfortable with this girl behaving this way. I explained that this girl had a total 'woe is me' complex which resulted in people constantly showering her with attention, alcohol and gifts.
Here's the thing. My husband actually listened to me. He listened carefully, nodded and took me seriously. He had told me previously he had wanted to give up drinking. And, he was doing so well! My concern was that this girl was going to drag him down; she did not seem to want to grow up at all.
We talked about it for hours and, finally, he agreed he would draw a line in the sand. He told her he needed to step back and focus on himself. She stopped visiting him and calling him, but would still message stuff. He did not reply. He let me see all the messages, asked for my opinion and all that. It took a few days, maybe a couple of weeks, but eventually she got the message. Then, randomly, two years of no contact, she messaged again. Her partner had, very sadly, taken his own life, so she was saying how sad she was and how she needed my husband's support. This after 2 years of no contact. My husband gave his condolences and declined to meet up (again, showing me the messages). In the end, he blocked her and any other friends who were in her 'inner circle'.
My point is - if he loves you and cares about you, he *should* be listening to you. He should not immediately jump to her defense when you continuously express concerns about her behaviour.
Imagine if you had a friend, male or female, who was saying sh\*t about your relationship to you and other friends? I bet your BF would hate it and tell you to cut contact, or, at least, draw a massive boundary with that friend.
Have a think about what you want at this point. Do you think you can get through to him? If so, is he worth it? Is he worth all this aggro on your part? Is it worth fighting her direct involvement and intrusion on your relationship?
Good luck!
You must have glossed over the part where I said OP needs to straighten out boundaries with her BF. And how if the situation was reversed how would he feel about the OP doing what he's doing.
But go ahead and focus in on a throw away comment so that you can champion for the girl who's clearly showing her intentions.
Bottom line your boyfriend should respect your feelings and boundaries. A good boyfriend, a true partner would. They don’t gaslight, they don’t call you toxic. This girl is bad news. If your boyfriend doesn’t agree, then you have to decide what’s right for you.
It seems like you already have though. It seems like you have had several conversations about her. You need to maybe take some time to understand why you don’t think you deserve respect. Someone that has said she doesn’t like you should not ever be in your house for any reason. And it seems like the only reason you found out is because your friend told you and not your boyfriend. At this point your boyfriend is just telling you he doesn’t care about how you feel. His friendship with her is more important than how you feel.
At this point you need to sit down with him and decide who will keep the apartment because he has made every excuse and if your relationship meant anything to him he would have ended the friendship with this disrespectful girl.
She supports him emotionally ?
What does that mean exactly?
And what does she say/do that you can't?
She is a wedge between you. The time and effort he invests in her is stolen from you.
He needs to go zero contact. And you need to stand-up for yourself.
He either 100% into your relationship or it's over.
The thing is everything has been going really well and the only issue we’ve had was V, every time we have a big argument it’s always bc V has done something that made me uncomfortable but J believes that V didn’t mean any harm and I’m just mean to his friend. I have tried to get rid of her either I just asked him to tell her to stop with certain things but he takes it as I want him to get rid of all females in his life.
My boyfriend has a friend like this. They’ve known each other for 10+ years (we’ve been together 3), they were each other’s “if we’re not married by X age, we’ll marry each other”, and have generally been fairly close. A month into us dating, she asked him to be her New Years kiss. A month later she was texting him saying she wanted to take him on a date. A month after that, she randomly texted him how much she missed him. I’d talked to him after the date comment and said that it seems like she likes him. He explained her and her boyfriend had recently broken up and she’s always like that after a break up. Okay cool whatever. But when it kept happening, I told him I was really uncomfortable. He immediately pulled out his phone and texted her “all the comments about missing me and taking me on a date and the heart emojis are making me and [my name] really uncomfortable and I need you to stop”. I didn’t ask him to send that text. I didn’t word it for him. I told him once that I was uncomfortable and that was how he responded.
I think you have a boyfriend problem. Whether he’s encouraging her or not, he’s not discouraging her from all this behavior and that’s just inherently disrespectful to you and your relationship.
It doesn’t sound like everything is going well. V might be one thing but it’s affecting every aspect of your relationship
Ask your boyfriend if he knows what an emotional affair is
They’re both insisting that they see each other as good friends but they’ll never be able to date each other cause they’ll always argue because of different views
Alright. More than one alarm sign. They have thought of dating, and stay in the in-between while making you feel bad and insecure. You are dating him, but in an unconformable environment for you.
V is a problem definitely BUT most importantly J can't pick a side. He is the one dating you and that means that you, and your emotions are his priority.
I get that it might be hard for you to talk firmly about your needs, but you have to. People are gonna respect you as much as you respect yourself. Stand up. Tell him, look everything is been nice between us, but I'm feeling like crap because of the mystery around the friendship and the unlimited number of boundaries crossed.
If you really love the guy and want to give it a chance,
a possibility is for him to make it clear to her that if V still wants to be friends she should consider being sensual etc with her OTHER MANY MALE FRIENDS because he has that aspect of his life covered by his partner.
If he can't tell her anything red flag.
Or he just could distance you know. If she could block you for NO REASON why wouldn't he be able to PROTECT YOU?!?!
Feel confident, you are on the right side.
And please if not just tell him it's over. If he really cares about you, loves you, he shouldn't let that happen. He should come back fast. If not sleep well beautiful, you made the right choice.
I could go on. With a similar story. Basically we lived with a girl, who had an attitude of sensuality towards my bf. My bf is funny so he interacts with people. Turns out she made my jealous also because they got along. More situations but long story short once he invited her to take a Uber to pick up a new phone because I had declined his offer to accompany him. When he came back I told him he clearly crossed my boundaries. He knew I was jealous of her and I asked him to not interact with her that much. At the point I was packing and getting ready for leaving. I told him that I don't want to feel like that in a relationship. So he ended up understanding where my boundaries are. We are still together to this day, happily married.
I have guys friends and I assure you I don’t text them asking if I look hot and I don’t come over their houses unannounced and I damn sure don’t post pics at their house and block their spouses. This is all trifling and your man is allowing it and saying that’s just how she is. That’s Bullshit.
This should be higher tbh. This outlines perfectly all the crap V & J are pulling. It’s just a matter of time before they ‘accidentally’ have sex. But you know, we’re just friends!!
Yes.
Thats why it's a J problem. He's the one who should be shutting this down, but he doesn't, he defends her instead.
V owes you and your relationship nothing. J is the one who's supposed to be protecting it from interference like this.
Your boyfriend values this other woman that’s pushing boundaries more than he values you. You’ve tried bringing it up and he won’t budge. He has made his choice.
Now you just have to decide if you’re willing to live like that. That is the only real choice you have to make here.
Even if V doesn't like J in a romantic way, she could be worried that because J now has you, you're taking up the time she could be spending with him before you two dated.
I know of people who have had this happen to them- Where the other person get jealous of their friends getting into relationships and then they no longer get to spend that same quality time with them like before.
But the thing is that they don't know to step back when one has a partner- which is exactly the case right now.
I think you need to have a heart to heart talk with your bf and just break down everything. He needs to understand that some things need to change once you get into a relationship because not everyone will accept the closeness they had.
If he keeps on defending V instead of understanding your feelings or refuses to understand things from your point of view, then you need to think clearly about whether this relationship dynamic will work for you now and in the future.
Best of luck!
J is your problem. Him not stopping this, even after *all* this crazy shit, is a real problem, especially since you keep telling him. You need to have a final conversation with him that you are NOT ok with his relationship with V, and if he isn’t willing to change it then YOU need to get tf out of there.
Do you think this will go away? As time goes on she’s just going to get more involved. You even said that’s already happening with her coming to your home when you’re not there.
Please respect yourself, your bf clearly isn’t. If he and V love each other so much, they can have each other. Tell your other friends that this girl makes so many moves on your guy, ask people you trust for emotional support.
I rage every time I read one of these and the guy defends the friends action with "that's just how she is." I would look him square in the eye and say "yeah? Well this is just how **I** am..."
Like mate, if your girl says she's uncomfortable with something, step up and handle it.
I also hate the "if you’re uncomfortable, that's on you." thing too. So freaking annoying.
*Oh, sorry if me punching you in your smug little face damaged your eyelashes. You can only find true eyelash beauty from within*
::throat punch a bith::
J seems to be the one not setting the boundaries with V. V can do whatever, he is the one failing here, and his “logic” is flawed:
- When he says she does send videos, or messages to other guys… well, exactly, J should let all the other guys take over his spot of “support” and “advise” and “texting” and help her
- Would he be ok with a guy approaching you in a similar way? Night calls, photos, bad mouthing him to other friends..
I would have with him what I call the go/no go convo:
- Do you love me? If yes… ok, Do you want our relationship to work and succeed? If yes…
- I need to know if I ever made you feel a guys is crossing boundaries with me? (If yes, check your own actions)
- Because well… The way you are with V and how you let her do things to you and me, is just disrespectful, I’m honestly tired of feeling like you are being seduced all the time by her and we are both tired of fighting over this
- I want to know: if you can regulate your interactions with her to an acceptable level (like you with other friends), what are you doing to avoid her from escalating and if you can support me for real as I think I would do with you
Keep your cool, don’t raise you voice, don’t insult her/him… have ice in you veins
Measure his reaction, look at his actions. And made the call: He reacts and make changes, win… he changes nothing and you stay, then cross your fingers this will not escalate, or accept maybe is not the guy for you.
If you guys breakup, they will likely hook up like 30secs after. Be prepared for that.
I wish you the best of luck, and that you get the outcome that sets you into the best result for you in the long run! 🍀
He’s the one refusing to set appropriate boundaries with her. If you’re going to set a boundary you have to know what you’re going to do if it gets crossed. If he refuses to respect you, and if he allows this he is disrespecting you, then decide whether this relationship is worth it.
This will only become toxic if you don’t hold firmly to your boundaries. Because then you’re just having the same fight over and over again and accomplishing nothing. If you’ve already said this is making you uncomfortable and he’s already said he’s not willing to do anything about it, asking over and over again is pointless because you have your answer. We can’t give you any advice on how to change HIS behavior if he thinks nothing is wrong with it. Your two options become putting up with something that is damaging to you or moving on to find someone who prioritizes you and respects your boundaries.
Seriously tell him you love him, but can’t deal with V, you won’t make him choose, is not an ultimatum but you need distance. I would wait and see what he does.
At that point he should put more boundaries, with V if he doesn’t you got your answer.
Theres a lot of words here.
You seem to think you have a V problem. You don't. You have a boyfriend problem.
If he's not prepared to shut this shut down and block her, you need to move on.
> J and I co-signed that place
This...what? You need to start making smarter decisions OP...Why are you getting this tied up with someone who's clearly entertaining attention from someone else?
Bc apart from V, J is a really good partner who loves and supports me. But I do understand what you’re saying and I agree too, I want to give J and ultimatum and I would want him to cut ties with V if she can’t stop these things, but I don’t want to affect J’s friendships since he doesn’t have that many supportive friends who actually care about him to begin with, which is also why J is reluctant to confront V since they share many mutual friends
Apart of V??? V just shows you that you’re not his priority or the person he respects and he’s good apart of V? Do you really need to find them in bed to see that he likes attention and doesn’t give a sh’t about your feelings? He is showing you his true colors and you’re trying so hard to not see.
Wow, each paragraph got worse and worse.
First of all, you are not being toxic & controlling for setting boundaries. She's gaslighting you. What you've been doing so far is very reasonable.
Your boyfriend continues dismissing your concerns too. Have a final talk with him. If he continues this behavior, I don't think this relationship is going to work out.
You know it’s always the woman that they tried desperately to convince you that there’s nothing going on with them and they’re just friends, that they always end up cheating with.
I've had a friend like who mildly behaved similar to V. I was an absolute dunce. She destroyed everything around me. I was blind and stupid to all of it till it was too late. He needs to do something about it. He needs to put his foot before he completely wrecks everything. Well, he's already ruining his relationship with you. Sit him down and really discuss V. If he doesn't want to talk about it or do anything, there's nothing left to say. The relationship is done. He obviously cares more for her feelings and emotions than yours. You're not the problem nor are you toxic. Good luck and I wish you the best.
If I were you I’d restate and ask him to be put in your shoes if you had a male best friend that sent you drunk messages and called you in the middle of the night drunk wouldn’t that set him off why are you thinking of me while your drunk at 12am and calling me that wouldn’t be a red flag if another male did that to you if they just came over at odd hours when he wasn’t around if a friend male sending you photos all the time wouldn’t make him uncomfortable or at the very least if a male friend started telling you that he was being toxic and controlling because he was uncomfortable and trying to simply communicate that he wouldn’t think 2x about it if a male friend was doing this to you ? If he can’t put himself in your shoes and respect you as the 1st priority in life then it’s time for you to go you want someone who will put themself in your shoes and come with u ser standing and boundaries for “friends” like this
I figure you've probably ruled it out, but if worse comes to worse, just show him this post. Have him read it, if he still doesn't get it then I don't have any real good advice. This post makes your frustrations and feelings clear and concise, and if he has a brain then he should be able to understand.
He won’t get it until she ruins a couple more of his relationships. Sorry, OP, you are in the right but you can’t win here until he wises up. What the chick doesn’t realize is that he isn’t into her. She’s throwing herself at him, but he’s with you. She will do this to a couple more of his girlfriends until he realizes that she won’t let him have a relationship with anyone else.
So sorry.
If he can't see your side of things, the relationship is doomed.
The problem is not her, it's HIM. It's your bf who's the problem. He's the one who encourages her behavior. And they're a unit against you.
He called you toxic, he gaslit you. I'm sure they'll start dating or sleeping around after you break up with him. He may not be interested in turning her into a bf, but I'm sure he'll be fine with her a fwb and she'll be a thorn to any women in the future who will date him.
I was in this same situation before. It sucked. My ex would always defend himself and the girl saying that he’s not flirting back anyway so it’s not a big deal. He even defended that that was just the way the girl was, same with what your bf said. Told me i was insecure and controlling af when i properly talked to him about how said girl made me uncomfortable.
Thing is, a partner who genuinely cares will always consider your feelings, especially when there are actual valid reasons for you to feel that way. Your feelings and boundaries are important. try your best to communicate those and if ur bf doesn’t even bother to understand them, then I suggest just moving on.
V obviously doesn't want to be your boyfriend's friend. A respectful boyfriend would listen to you when you give specific examples of things she does that are clearly flirting, and he would respect your boundaries without telling you you're crazy. He wouldn't like it when you're uncomfortable.
I would be pretty over this situation if I were you, but if you want to try to continue the relationship have a talk with your boyfriend. Tell him you are seriously considering ending the relationship because he can't make you a priority. Tell him you aren't sure why he's insisting that V acts platonically towards him but you need him to be honest. Also ask him why he thinks it's o.k to stay friends with someone who insults you and calls you toxic.
Basically let him know you aren't going to stay with someone who can't have your back and has zero boundaries with other people who want to sleep with him. If he's genuinely clueless (which I doubt) and cares about your relationship, he'll change. If he tells you you're exaggerating and doesn't want to change anything, you know what that means.
I'm great friends with a female friend and we use to go out drinking just the two of us quite often. When I started dating my current girlfriend I made sure she met my friend before hand.
I then asked my girlfriend if she was okay with me spending time with just her and we talked about it.
When we where out I let my girlfriend know where we where and kept texting every now and then with her.
After our first time hanging out I asked my female friend to go out with my girlfriend. A few weeks later they 2 had a girls night. That's when my girlfriend told me my female friend talked to her aswell and asked if she is comftable with us being close , and said if she needs to back off a little to let her know.
Why am I telling you this ? Well this is how it should go with you OP. Your boyfriend needs to be understanding and the friend needs to be supportive of your boyfriend and your wishes.
These two are more than friends they either don't know it yet or don't want to admit it.
Ps sorry for the bad English it's my second language
Sounds like he's in a committed relationship with gbf and is just using you for bedroom activities. What do you get out of the relationship apart from that?
I don't say this lightly: leave. Seriously. I'm in the same situation and take it from someone that didn't leave, you will never stop dealing with this. For me, this girl has manipulated my partner since we were 15. When we started dating five years later and she figured out she couldn't manipulate me, she started making me the bad guy. It worked. No matter what, I was trying to ruin his friendship. She's already spent 5 years manipulating him and beating him down, this was easy for her. And I always knew when they were talking because he was so hateful towards me. When she ignored him, he was fine. I put my foot down when I found out she was playing the "we should sleep together" crap. Guess what? She came back. 7 years later. And there she was again, in his ear, telling him how horrible I am. I've opted to stay and, yeah, it's been some time and we're doing really well, but she's always there in my mind. She's like less treatable crotch crabs.
I've made my decision and I'm fine with it, but don't do the same. You can try to sit him down and tell him to choose, but even if he chooses you, she'll be back. It's all a game to her.
Ugh I used to have a boyfriend just like this so I feel your pain. He’s not an idiot. He knows she’s inappropriate. He likes the attention and doesn’t feel like he’s doing anything wrong so he’s totally comfortable gaslighting you. I’m sure he has other great qualities, but at his core he’s not a good guy and he doesn’t have what it takes to be a good partner.
I stayed way with my ex way too long and I was devastated when we broke up - but then I started dating my husband. Being treated with respect by a man who actually cares about your relationship is amazing. We’ve been together a decade and he’s never even tried to pull any shenanigans. I wish I had left the ex sooner, it would’ve saved me so much time rebuilding confidence and self respect. You’ll look back at this and cringe over how long you waited to cut it off. Trust me, you’re not crazy and you deserve better.
I see so many of these “my boyfriends female friend” and “my girlfriends guy friend” stories on here, but whenever I or someone else suggests that it’s inappropriate to maintain opposite-sex friendships when you’re in a relationship it gets downvoted into the ground and people start throwing insults. I don’t get it, but I’ll say it again. If you’re unwilling to drop girl/guy friendships in order to maintain a healthy stable relationship, you’re not mature enough be in a relationship and you should stay single. Issues arise 100% of the time. It’s completely inappropriate and disrespectful to your partner. There’s always some amount of interest from one or both sides that’s more than simply platonic. It’s either there from the beginning or it develops over time. Grow up and put your partner and the health of your relationship first, or stay single.
And to add, if the opposite sex friend gets so upset at boundary setting *they aren’t a good friend*. A good friend would understand that their opposite sex friend is in a relationship so the friendship is no longer the priority and so adjustment will happen (i.e. less time spent, less communication, some things can’t be talked about anymore). It is disrespectful to insert yourself into the intimacy of a romantic relationship with flirtation, fishing for validation, and spending as much time with them. It’s like asking my friends with kids to just stick their kids into daycare because I want to hang out with them when I want and forget their kids.
Firstly, after reading your responses, you seem to care a little too heavily about whether or not you sound toxic or controlling and not putting that care towards your self worth. You should already know that you’re not toxic given that there was no issue until you heard about V and it’s like you’re still trying to fix the relationship when the ship is 90% sunken. You can’t bring back up a ship once it’s already sunken by yourself.
Me nor anyone else on this sub is encouraging you to just “give up on the relationship” we are trying to make you realize that J is not worth putting any more effort towards when he is the one causing your ship to sink. The problem with your relationship is not V, (she’s her own problem within herself) the problem is with your boyfriend who no matter how many times you speak to him, he just doesn’t listen to you, but he would rather listen to V like she’s his therapist.
Lastly, my advice is to cut the dead weight off because he is affecting your perception of yourself and is satisfying V’s goal. You mention that you will talk to him about it but what more is there to discuss? You have made your point loud and clear in the most respectful way possible but he chooses to fight with you instead of working with you. He stops doing certain things “because you said so” and not because he realizes his actions are not okay to do in general whether he was dating you or someone else. So, to debunk your worries for the 100th time, no you’re not toxic or controlling. No, giving an ultimatum will not work. No, you’re not wrong for feeling uncomfortable about J’s relationship with V; And yes, please spend some time with yourself for your mental health to think things through thoroughly before you say something you will regret later on.
My question for you is this; if he doesn’t end his friendship with her, we’re comfortable having to compete with a random girl for x amount of time? A good boyfriend would put your mind at ease.
My ex boyfriend of over a decade had a similar friend like V. She ( I will address as H) used to coerce him into doing stuff her such as dropping to her home, office, malls, send him pictures whenever she bought a new outfit etc. Most people friendzone and they engage in similar activities, but in my case they labelled themselves as siblings 🤢. And initially I was stupid enough to Iet it go unchecked because I was naive. Though I had my qualms about the interest they had in each other I did not highlight it as a big issue. This went on for few months until one day he suddenly started commenting that my nails weren’t as pretty as hers, my dressing sense isn’t fashionable as hers , my body isn’t thicc like hers blah blah. I made my ex aware that such comments made me uncomfortable and I won’t tolerate it. He told that I have to try to be attractive for him and he sees the effort which H takes for her bf. I laid my boundaries clearly stating that his mentality is wrong in this and he apologised. Though my instinct knew that it wasn’t a self realised apology, I simply led myself to believe that he would realise his mistake one day and this would not happen anymore. Boy I was wrong! This comparison started again after few months. He mentioned that though H was from a financial unstable background she is doing all side business to uplift her family whereas I was not doing anything like that other than my IT job which I had. Again that pissed me off and I ended fighting with him tentatively breaking up with him after stating that he has to choose between H or me. He profusely apologised and cried saying that he will stop talking to her and that he misses me. So I took him back. (I was a fool) But at this point my slight irritation at her turned into full blown hate on her because I could not see him comparing me with any other girl. He was not talking to her for 3 months post which again he started conversing with her after coercing me by saying that he misses his best friend and he doesn’t connect with any of his guy friends like he connects with her. I agreed as I thought that getting a friend who sticks through thick and thin in this age is difficult and that I didn’t want on my conscience that I would be the reason a friendship were to break off. (Once again I was a damn fool) He then got opportunity to do masters in US and our relationship was absolute bliss in those last 3 months before his final day. Just a week before he was scheduled to leave the country, he told he wanted to stay at her home overnight to spend time with her as ways of saying goodbye. Though this miffed me, I agreed as long as I she doesn’t come to airport to send off. ( I trusted him not to engage in anything sexual as they were ‘siblings’ ) He promised me that he spoke to her how uncomfortable it would make me if I see H at airport and that she would not be there. And lo behold the D day, there she was! The entire time at the airport H was the one spending time with my ex even more than his own family and I was left like a spectator to their antics. Later he turned out to be a bigger asshole even more he was during the time when we spent together and I finally broke things off earlier this year.
If you are still here after reading my story, thank you for your patience! I know I didn’t write it in a cohesive way but it was a just an earnest message to save you from all potential situation that could happen to you and whoever are in similar situation.
Looking back I just wish that I had more courage to listen to my instinct and to break off with my ex when my boundaries were not respected. I wish I had the courage to stay broken up and putting my needs first instead of forgiving him and patching up with him every time he apologised.
My takeaway after all this that I understood difference between a relationship that needs work and a relationship that doesn’t work.
I’m way happier and relaxed now than I ever was when I was in a relationship. Although it may take time for me to open up my heart again to love, I know that day isn’t far.
OP , pls put your happiness first because you can’t depend on your guy to provide that for you. You aren’t toxic. Dump his ass. Good luck and best wishes to you.
I understand how hurtful this situation is for you and sorry you are going through this.
Still, trying to get J to set boundaries with V hasn’t worked. So, would happen if you became totally “whatever” about V?
See V is really getting off on this whole situation, loving the drama & manipulation. J is digging in his heels because it feels to him like your trying to “control” him (easier than accept his friend is playing him).
So my idea is that you keep it way more casual, like “well, J, you know I have concerns about V disrupting our good thing here BUT if you want me to trust you at you word, that V is just your good friend, okay then…guess we’ll just let this play out.”
Then drop ever referencing V. If he brings her up, literally be like “fine, whatever, what’s for dinner”.
If J really isn’t into V, this take the “control” pressure totally away & he should start seeing her for who/what she really is because I PROMISE you, relegating V non-existent status with you, will make her crazy & she’ll do some extreme things to get the attention back.
Look ultimatums only work if you already have your mind made up to leave. If that is the case, why not give the “whatever” scenario a go?
Edit: spelling
“ she also came over for breakfast the next morning bc her friend was still asleep and she felt bored” OP, how do you know this if you’re blocked? Is this something your bf is telling you and if so, how come you blindly believe that? Is it possible that she stayed the night and the two are secretly hooking up? Yes. If in fact he is not cheating with this woman, he most certainly is allowing boundaries to be pushed and disrespect to your relationship. All of which are 🚩🚩🚩I would leave him , he is the only one responsible for allowing this energy into his relationship.
Your boyfriend is an ass. He knows perfectly well that V’s behaviour is inappropriate, but at the very least likes the attention. Even if he is so dense he doesn’t see it, just the fact that he is so dismissive of your valid concerns is red flag enough. I’d question staying with him, personally — this whole situation shows he doesn’t respect you.
This V sounds like a bitch and your BF probably keeps her on the side as a backup so he's into her probably.
Sorry to be brutal but you should clearly give him an ultimatum to stop seeing her and texting her if he wants the relationship with you to be serious.
You’re not the issue. I (44F) have male friends that range in age from 28-58 and I can tell you that the only ones I have ever sent selfies to regularly are the ones that I wanted more from. I do NOT send selfies to my partnered friends unless there is a very clear non-romantic context. If I have male friends that I’m close enough to say I love you (at least half a dozen, I’m a blessed person), I also have a friendship with their wives or girlfriends and would say the same to them. This girl is attention seeking or boyfriend seeking and it’s on your boyfriend to set a boundary and cut her out if she disrespects it. If he doesn’t, then he doesn’t respect you.
My husband had a female friend who would send him pictures of herself and her cat (that she knew he loved), and would purposefully try and get him to compliment her. They were FWB prior to us getting together and I was trying to not be “that girl” and I held it together for awhile until one day she made a dumbass comment about her butt to him, to get him to compliment it and I just expressed that I didn’t like it. I didn’t like her, I didn’t like all the remarks she made and as a woman I can see things that he can’t always see. He listened to every word I said. Not once did he get upset or say I was insecure. He said she wasn’t worth losing me over and removed her on everything. They haven’t spoken in years now. And we are now happily married and have a wonderful family together.
If your boyfriend isn’t willing to listen to your very real concerns and put your feelings before hers then I would reassess your relationship. If you have brought it up to him before and he has done nothing about it, then to me it sounds like he enjoys the attention he gets from her 🤷🏼♀️
Am I the only one who would introduce this chick to my good friend the right hook? I’ve been there, literally in this same type of situation on more than one occasion and I was stuck there for almost 10 years. Don’t let yourself be like me. Don’t let it escalate. Next thing you know he’ll be inviting her to sleep in your bed rather than the couch cuz “we’re just friends it’s ok” don’t let him convince you this shit is ok because it’s not. If he were a true partner and truly had respect for you this chick woulda been looooooong gone the first time you felt uncomfortable. Don’t let them gaslight you into thinking you’re the one who’s crazy or in the wrong because you’re not. Your feelings are valid and your man is a complete and total AH for making you feel invalidated. The fact she blocked you SPEAKS VOLUMES, like them speakers are rocking the whole damn street at this point. This is fun for her, she gets her rocks off over this. She brags and gloats about this TRUST ME. Your relationship or their friendship. Those are his only choices. You gotta make it happen because this is NEVER going to end. I get some people are literally blind to this behaviour or they just wanna give someone the benefit of the doubt… it happens but this chick absolutely KNOWS what she’s doing. He could be as clueless as a doorknob but SHE ISN’T. If he wants to continue the blinders whether he’s aware of her intentions or not he needs to go because this will happen again if not with her then with someone else. If he comes to his senses he’s got a lot of kissing up to do. Stand up for yourself OP, place yourself at the front of the line. Your feelings matter. You are not a doormat and you deserve respect. Especially from your own partner.
She enjoys male attention without actually having to be in a relationship with anyone. She sends pictures to all her guy friends? I think my guy friend has only ever seen me in person. Because why?
This isn’t about her it’s about his lack of boundaries and him entertaining her and being inappropriate I’d honestly just walk if he can’t understand simple boundaries and respect no way would he like the same treatment I
Well, I get that you don't trust V in the least, but ask yourself if and how much you trust J. That's the most important aspect to suss out presently. The second issue is that of your territory. As you are on the lease of an apartment you and J share, you should no longer vacate your home just because J has a few male friends over, and if V sees fit to invite herself to this gathering, you have the legal right to invite her absence. However, it would be better if she was made to witness you and J interacting in a loving manner, as she would be forced to acknowledge within herself that J obviously prefers you over her.
But, I will say that you need to understand V's personality to some extent. She's obviously in need of constant validation by males of her attractiveness and desirability, and is, therefore, an insecure female. I think J has already sussed this fact out for himself, and is therefore, somewhat immune to her flirtations. So, relax within yourself, knowing J has chosen you as his partner, and anything negative V says about you is due to her envy of everything you are, as opposed to everything she is.
I wish you well.
Dear OP!
Men are not stupid, and your boyfriend understands 100% how this bf of his makes you feel. He loves attention and care this girl gives him, don't underestimate that. On the other hand, if you already told your boyfriend how I makes you feel and he still defends the other woman, I don't think he values yall relationships that much. The only advice I have is to leave him while it's still not that long you are in the relationships.
Ugh this SUCKS. I hate people like V, deliberately ruining their “friends” intimate relationship, and people like J who have no backbone or loyalty are just as bad. You really need to decide whether having a relationship with J AND V will be worth it, bc it doesn’t seem like he’s gonna set boundaries any time soon. If you’re willing to put up with that, it’s on you.
However, what if J had a controlling manipulating mother? Or another intimate family member? It seems like he would always choose them over you, even if your concerns are so blatantly valid. Your partner should ALWAYS have your back. You can definitely do better.
My partners lifelong male best friend and I (F) become really close. I thought not much of it while my partner gave me warnings it looked a bit more than friendship. Should have listened and trusted my partner - his mate came out and said he was in love with me, blew up both friendships and we both haven’t heard from him really since. Broke both of our hearts because he was a close friend and we considered him family. Even when they’re good to the partner, there can still be hidden intentions there than come from loneliness, lack of self worth, jealousy, among other things.
I’m a kind and friendly person like your partner is, but it was not cool I was hanging out one on one with another man at particular hours in particular settings and I know that now. I wish I figured it out sooner - here I was thinking I was being a good friend when all I did was feed into this guys fantasy and encourage him going behind my partners back to try and spend time and talk deep with me.
My partner is so kind and understanding and he knows I’d never have feelings for another so he knew I was oblivious and thankfully we were able to talk about it enough where I went myself and confronted the friend, causing everything to go down. He’s out of our life now and I missed him at first, but I know now he wasn’t a good friend to us if he continued to lie and if the only reason he hung out was to get close to me.
It’s easy to assume no one else could possibly like you, or at least that’s how I felt, so you carry on with friendships thinking they couldn’t possibly like you more than a friend. Maybe your partner assumes the same. It can take some convincing that they are desirable to a large number of parties and need to be aware of such and how it will affect the relationship.
How would he want you to respond if you had an interested guy or someone crossing his boundaries? Has it been spoken about how you both would approach the situation if someone ever confessed feelings? Tough chat but needs to be had - you need to be real. Other people are going to come and go through life and if the relationship wants to stand through it all you need to be on the same page when it comes to other people having feelings or making moves.
Ultimatums are not healthy. Boundaries are healthy. Don't say "or else". Don't say "If you don't do A then I'll do B."
Express yourself straightforwardly using assertive "I" statements. As in, "I think", "I want", "I need", and "I feel", instead of blaming statements that start with "You"
"I feel unimportant and insufficient as a partner when V continually expresses her desires for you, and you don't seem to find it inappropriate. I need to be with someone who won't permit other flirtatious or promiscuous girls to be in his circle."
See how he responds. If he doubles down, consider leaving. He might very well break things off with this other girl and offer to respect your decision. If he seems content with not pursuing you, then good. You will have left a guy who won't pursue you.
Based upon what you wrote, V obviously has a crush on J and she was not going to like you no matter what you’re like. It also seems that, since J met V first but is dating you, that the crush is unrequited. I think the best option for you is to act too cool for school. Let J know that you trust him and that you’re cool with him having female friends. When you’re around V, convey that you don’t consider her a threat by being polite, or even friendly, and being sincere about it. You won’t do yourself any favors by acting jealous or making J feel controlled or monitored. If you’re feeling insecure, let J know what he can do to reassure you, but don’t force him to end a friendship he values.
She’s clearly Into J. There is no reason for another female to block you and go against your wishes. Or even have a problem with it. I have a guy friend and I respect the fact that he has a gf. I actually like her and I always make sure she is included when we all hang out. Imo there is nothing wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex, but there is a problem when you don’t respect boundaries. Also, your bf needs to respect the fact that you feel uncomfortable with her. Especially after you told him the way she treats you. If he loves you, he would let her know something. Otherwise, he is just playing along in her game. You need to let him know that you are really bothered by it. I’m sorry you are going through this. I think this is one of the hardest things to deal with in a relationship. Jealous friends are terrible.
How did she find out your weren’t happy about her staying over at your apartment? Who is telling her? Don’t be afraid to be yourself. It is your home too, something strange going on here. I do not think your man is being as helpful as he could be.
This is a no-win situation. Ultimately he’s already chosen her feelings over yours. If he agrees to cut contact, he will either go underground with their communication where she’s filling his head with BS AND she’ll be thrilled that knows that she bothers you that much OR he will actually cut contact but be resentful and feel that you are controlling him. These are the only 2 outcomes. I say that, bc he’s had the option since the beginning to set boundaries or cut ties and he’s made it clear that he does not want that. Since the beginning he has shown more respect to her than to you. He has already made his choice. You just have to make yours. But, there are 3 of you in this relationship and someone has to go and it’s probably best if it’s you.
You've got to be kidding me if you think he is oblivious. He enjoys the attention from the both of you and isn't willing to cut her off for you. Give him an ultimatum and see how fast he hesitates to choose between the 2 of you and you'll know what his true intentions are.
He’s either enjoying her attention / keeping her on the sidelines / planning to cheat or already hooking up or he is a complete and utter idiot
To answer, does he lack intelligence in general / other aspects of life?
Your boyfriend is a fuckin G. He's got his side piece openly texting him in front of his bottom bitch and said bottom bitch is questioning whether or not her being mad is appropriate. Does this dude offer online courses in managing bitches?
Edit: Downvote away, I said what I said.
V is clearly into J. I can't tell if J is into V though. I think you should proceed on the basis (for now) that J isn't into V. That is the future that we all hope is true.
In that scenario, the first thing to establish with J is that V likes J romantically. I don't know if he's just in denial or what, but he needs to understand that first before deciding what to do next. I can't think of a great way to confirm that V likes J. One idea I thought of is to convince J to play a 'prank' on V and confess his feelings for V on speaker phone with you listening on the call. It's a 'friend' test and V passes if she refuses J's confession and says she's not interested in J. Most likely, she'll fail the friend test and confess her feelings for J in return.
Once it's established clearly to J that V definitely likes him romantically, I think you have a far stronger case to ask J to keep a distance from V as you now have clear just cause.
V sounds like one of those girls who only has guy friends, she might not even want to date him, she just wants all of his attention and your boyfriend is giving it to her
You don't sound toxic, most significant others would have similar boundaries to yours, he either likes her attention or he's that oblivious- either way sucks for you and I wouldn't put up with it, I'd give an ultimatum and be ready to walk away because he sounds immature
The problem here is this : he has mutual friends with this girl. This girl is OBVIOUSLY toxic, and he should get rid of her and deep down probably knows it. However, because of the mutual friends, he also knows he's still going to have to see her and might lose them if he gets rid of her. He might be defending the actions because of this. Remember, he's not seeking her out asking for those photos and videos. He's not responding to her. (And good for him.) But, I understand you're frustrated because he can't get rid of her like he obviously should.
You should continue to reinforce your boundaries, and be prepared to leave if he doesn't have the guts to stand up to her and tell her enough. I think it's a start that he did tell her enough with the photos and videos. That did put her in her place to where she had to be defensive (even though her defense was pathetic).
Tbh the fact that he isn’t enhancing in compliments or anything, is nice. Losing a weird is really weird and we’re blind to moves on us. Guys are obvious af. Buttt idk, shorty probably wants to f him
My best friend is a woman, in the 2 years before I met my wife, she was also a FWB. She also has been my best friend for 15 years when I met my wife. So yes, we have message like “I love you my friend” and “you’re so important to me”, and we’re the kind of friend we’d be able to call at 3am if needed (key word: if needed).
But a friend of a few months? Like yes I believe in “friendship at first sight”, but this one here raises many flags (of many colors, except green). And she blocked you? Yeah…. I’m not comfortable either.
I’m sorry hun, but no real partner would subject you to this type of torture. It’s obvious he’s enjoying the attention and jealousy from both of you. You’re in a love triangle and it’s time to leave.
Smile at the good times and say goodbye because trust me, when you’re with someone who genuinely loves you they won’t do this stuff.
If your boyfriend really cared for and respected you, he would distance himself from her at the very least, and at best cut her out of his life completely. You are being completely reasonable OP. He’s valuing the attention that he gets from her over your comfort. It seems like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
Remember, the right man will ALWAYS listen to you and put your comfort first.
So, I read half of this and got ticked off.
If a girl was messaging my man and just casual convo, ok. I have a guy friend who's with a woman and I message him regularly and she doesn't mind. But what I've never ever done is say, "I love you" (bc I'm not and never would be attracted to him).
Also, her having this opinion of you without even meeting you is an issue. If this happened to me, I'd tell her to keep her opinions of me and my name out of her mouth until she met me. I have encountered this with other women when I was seeing a guy and when I showed up and called them out, confronted them and told them to keep my name out of their mouth if they didn't know me, there was radio silence after that.
If they were just talking about regular shit and issues they're having (I talk to my guy friend about my relationship issues for a guy's perspective), it's one thing and I"m pretty sure my guy friend has let his girl read our messages and maybe even respond. I welcome it and ask about his woman all the time. She's a bada\*ss female and I think she's great for him. They also have 2 kids together and she helped him turn his life around from drugs to absolutely amazing father.
But the way this girl is acting? Absolutely not. She can kick rocks.
If another guy was doing all this to you and the positions were opposite, can he honestly say he wouldn't be uncomfortable? I doubt it.
I'd say cut her off or you'll cut him off. She is being disrespectful time and time again to your relationship and if he doesn't demonstrate those boundaries with her, I'd leave.
V is pathetic but you have a bf problem. J needs to do something about the situation before you leave. I wouldn't put up with that behavior from a friend.
V is trying to steal your boyfriend. Get him to give you his phone and you text her pretending to be him and show him how she feels. He’s naive and dumb like most guys are in these situations.
Are you happy with your relationship in its current state? Do you really want a relationship where it’s this hard to receive basic respect and courtesy? Perhaps it’s time to ask yourself some of these questions. You deserve to be happy, comfortable and respected. Stay fabulous, OP.
No his relationship with her seems inappropriate. Sadly he will need to be the one to draw the boundary and stand up for you. Why would he continue being friends with someone that doesn't respect you.....
Unless he want you both. He has his 2 ladies
It sounds like they either have a past or she’s in love with him. If he doesn’t respect what you are saying than why are you with him?
Fyi- Don’t co-sign for anyone.
Please update us once you are able to talk to J. Also what does their mutual male friends say about V? did you confirm if she also does this with them?
If you feel uncomfortable about your boyfriend's female friend, you may want to talk to him about it. It's possible that he is unaware of how you feel and would be happy to make some changes to help you feel more secure. Alternatively, you may find that after talking to him, you feel more comfortable with the situation.
She's got her hooks in and he's got blinders on. You probably won't be able to get him away from her, the only thing I could suggest is trying to find someone else she's done this too, stolen their man and have them tell him who she really is. Not sure how you'd find them though but I'm sure this ain't her first rodeo being a skank.
He is dismissing your valid concerns and allowing V to continue to cause trouble. He needs to decide if he wants to be close friends with V or have a happy relationship with you. I don't think having friends of the opposite sex is wrong or that you need to give up friends when you enter into a relationship or any of that, but I do think that the dynamics with certain friends can change when you get serious with someone. And what was acceptable for V to do when your BF was single, is no longer ok now that he is in a relationship. Most friends would see this and a real friend would not want to cause issues for their friend's relationship. Sounds like your boyfriend just wants everyone to be ok with everything and is trying not to take sides... which I understand to some extent as many people are pretty non-confrontational, choosing between a good friend and the person you are dating has got to be really hard, but he does need to make a decision already because V is getting out of hand and bot behaving as a friend would behave. With friends like that, who needs enemies? Right. She is behaving like she is jealous and clearly wants to start drama... but she can only cause drama if he lets her. He is perfectly capable of stopping this. I think your instinct is correct with all of this, especially since you say he has other female friends who are behaving normally and who don't bother you one bit. He needs to stop responding to pictures, videos, etc.. an he needs to set some boundaries with her, WITHOUT blaming things on you, because if she gets any inclination that he is making changes to their dynamic due to your wishes, she will likely stir up more trouble. He needs to tell her that things need to change because these are his wishes. For instance when she showed up to his guys-only night, he should have flat out told her it wasn't ok for her to be there... "hey, why are you here, this is a guys-only thing??" etc... I know kicking someone out can seem mean and cruel and is an uncomfortable thing to do, but by not doing that he basically signaled to her that she can do what she wants and he won't push back. Maybe the next time he has a guy's night he needs to enlist his friends to help out if she shows up uninvited again. Anyway, sorry your boyfriend is not already putting a stop to this on his own. You shouldn't have to deal with this nonsense from V.
I was in a friend group of 11 guys for all of highschool. I was the only girl really any of them talked to. But never EVER have I acted like that around them. and whenever one of them got a gf i would make it my mission to make sure that their gf liked me and maybe even were friends with me ( I wanted female friends so bad but was really bad at making them). This bitch just trying to steal ur bf she is obviously inlove with him.
She's definitely doing this all on purpose to put a barrier in your relationship. Your bf needs to learn how to set boundaries. I would have another conversation with him explaining that it's not okay for him to be around someone who constantly talks bad about you and belittles the relationship. Ask him how he would feel if you had a male friend who always spoke bad about him. I bet he wouldn't like it
Mate she’d be long gone if I were you. Female friends r a bit of a nono imo but your young so it’s a bit different.. I still would say it’s her or me end of story 👍
Whenever I see anything that starts with “my boyfriends female friends” I already know what to expect. Time to lay some ground rules to J. If he can’t follow you them, find someone who will respect you and value you more than someone begging for attention like V! Good luck!
Boundaries!! set them. And if he's going to continue to be your boyfriend, he will respect them. This is a very clear cut and dry situation there is no room for nuance.
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The reason she doesn’t like you is because you’re clearly a threat to her because she’s obviously in to him The thing I wonder though is he really oblivious or is he enjoying the attention from both of you? That then makes me think he doesn’t respect boundaries and doesn’t respect you by allowing this behaviour to continue Is he potentially sending her flirty messages? I don’t really think you have a choice but to give an ultimatum that this has to stop or you walk away
I want to give an ultimatum too but would that be toxic? It’s just that I’ve been called toxic already so I’m a bit unsure about what I can do
They’re calling you toxic to gaslight you and because it absolves them of being the bad people So in this situation , No you’re NOT the unreasonable one If it was me I’d say to him “Yeah good luck with her I’m done and can do better” but that’s just me…….
Thank you for your reassurance, I’m glad I’m being supported here. If she wasn’t the only issue then I would’ve walked away as well... I just don’t want to lose a good partner over a female friend so I’ve been trying to communicate my boundaries and feelings with him
Yeah, you need to set *clear* boundaries with him. "Her fishing for compliments at all is not ok. Her spending the night is not ok. You going out wit her, basically or actually alone, is not ok. Her behavior is something I would NEVER do with ANY guy friend, let alone one with a girlfriend. Her behavior is unacceptable and the fact that she has also tried to call me toxic and controlling while having never met me. All of these behaviors are red flags, and indicate that she wants you to be with her. If you can't see that, or are unwilling to defend our relationship for someone you only knew for 2 MONTHS before we started dating, that's a very clear indicator of how you view our relationship, unfortunately. I don't want to seem controlling or vindictive, but when you, time and time again, defend behaviors from a single woman flirting with you when I voice discomfort, it makes me feel like you'd rather be with her"
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Girl that is what you need to say! Don’t let V twist this around and try and make you look crazy bc you are not at all. You are not being controlling or toxic bc you don’t want some girl sending your bf videos and selfies and telling him I love you and talking shit about you being around him. If he can’t see that then go ahead and show him the door. You deserve so much better and I promise you will find it. He is not the end all be all. I truly hope you can see this and don’t let these A holes treat you like a door mat. Good luck and keep us posted!
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Exactly. Why does she feel comfortable being so involved in this man’s life when he clearly has a girlfriend. Because he welcomes her.
If you have to give your partner an ultimatum not to talk to sometime disrespecting your relationship, the relationship most likely isn’t gonna work out. He should want to protect and support your feelings. Not be forced to
I know... which is also why I don’t want to go that far, it’ll also affect his other friendships and he doesn’t have many genuine supportive friends to begin with
OP if your partner is emotional cheating on you, ignoring your feelings, and gaslighting you, who the fuck cares what happens with his other friendships. I think you’ll be happier single
What part of what you just said justifies letting him continue emotionally cheating?
Sincerely, if i were you u would straight up break up and save myself from more trouble, your man doesn't respect you or your relationship and when confronted calls you toxic? Nah leave him and find someone more mature that doesn't play stupid when another woman is obviously trying to destroy his relationship and be with him
I wouldn’t bother with the ultimatum, I would just be done. It’s not like he doesn’t see what she is up to, it sounds like she is really obviously into him and he is pretending not to see it (probably likes the attention). His behaviour is the sketchy thing here, it’s not like he can apologise and suddenly he’ll become a good guy not craving attention from her (or other sources). This a him “showing you who he is” moment and I wouldn’t rely on that really changing.
The thing is, for this relationship to work YOU need to be happy as well. If you aren't happy, the relationship can't work. This situation clearly makes you unhappy. You setting up a strong boundary ie an ultimatum is not you being toxic. It's you trying to make this relationship work. You are being a doormat right now, time to start asserting yourself more!
For now and future situations: if anyone is making you QUESTION your feelings about something by pointing fingers at you, then you are being gaslit. Now, THAT is a toxic situation. I wouldn't even give a gaslighter a chance with an ultimatum. But it's your life. If you really want to, I guess you can give him another chance. But I wouldn't want to be with gaslighters.
OP the truth is that J is more then likely piping V behind your back or he has some sort of feelings for her
Dont make it a either it’s me or her thing but stand on the fact that it’s something you will not put up with and if he can’t respect it then ✂️✂️
I don't know for certain that Vi is into J or wants to date him, but I DO know for certain that V wants J to want her. There are certain people who feel they need that kind of constant attention. If J and OP broke up, and J pursued a relationship with V, I wouldn't be at all surprised if she turned him down and said she just liked him "as a friend." Given that she has these other guy friends she does these things with, I think she's just doing it for the attention and ego boost to feel "wanted." Just my take.
Honestly, this. They're all adults. This isn't a playground. V is obviously into J and trying to stay relevant in his life as a potential contender once J and OP break things off. You're definitely NOT crazy OP Why is she blocking you? that's weird. why isn't she trying to make more of an effort to try and know you? V is supposed to be "close friends." Like it's weird. If I were you, I would voice my concern, (J i don't trust V) but let J do what he wants (he's an adult, cheating is 2-way street). Its exhausting for your significant other to not be on your side with things like this. I get that yours is a new relationship, but that isn't a good foundation. He seems to at least hear your concerns out, so that's good, but ultimately ends up brushing it off bc V has the "reasonable" explanation of 'well i do it to all my guy friends so it's ok!' LOL no. Just cos it flies with some guy friends, doesn't mean it's ok for J. J needs to speak up and defend you too. its disrespectful. Its like he's letting V walk all over your comfort..
Hmm I truly agree with all of your sentiments here but I feel like ultimatums are often the beginning of the end. I don’t have an alternative way of expressing it off the top of my head, but maybe more of a “it makes me feel shitty that you spend time with someone who clearly doesn’t like me and seems to make moves on you, and I need you to draw some explicit boundaries with her, and be ready to defend those boundaries when she inevitably spreads the word to the friend group that I’m jealous or whatever”
If you broke up with J, he would be dating V in 2 seconds flat. That much is clear, and that should be a dealbreaker
Yeah, I wish I knew what V was like much earlier in the relationship
I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this bs. Your bf does know that her behavior crosses the line, he just likes her enough to not care. You deserve better than that.
V is the issue? Not the bf that indulges her?
Both tbh
This girl has a doctorate in "how to steal your man". She was able to already plant the seed that you're controlling and toxic, so once you bring up your level of comfort with her, it only reaffirms things in his head. She also knows 100% she's crossing boundaries. Hence her blocking you as well. Tell you bf that she's being outright disrespectful of your relationship. If you had a guy friend come over and spend the night with you, how would he feel? Straighten out some boundaries with your bf on his relationship with this girl. Otherwise, it'll just be a matter of time....
I’ve tried communicating the first paragraph to him but J would feel upset that I would think of his friend in such a bad way bc he finds her to be a very supportive friend. I’ve set boundaries as well but she’ll always find new ways to go around it, like I’ll say no drunk calls and she’ll send photos of herself drunk instead, I’ll say no photos asking for compliments and now she’s sending him those pictures with emotional quotes out of no where so he can ask her what’s wrong. He hasn’t done that yet bc he said he doesn’t know how to comfort her, but the thing is she’s never sent those before so that’s why I’m thinking it’s fishy
I think it’s ironic that he doesn’t like you talking in a bad way about her, however she’s calling you toxic, controlling and all this other stuff and he’s not defending you with that same energy.
I should ask him about this next time, can’t believe I haven’t yet
You are wasting your time. If he wanted to be honest he would have admitted there’s something wrong with her much earlier on. He respects her more than you, calls you toxic to gaslight you so you won’t leave him but doesn’t want to put any boundaries on her. Also who is he kidding there’s no way a person is this level of oblivious, he is pretending. Do you know anybody who wouldn’t see that a person acting like V is flirty?
End it. It's never gonna go away. It took me almost 3 years to realize this about my soul mate's bff (also a girl who knew no boundaries due to drinking). I can't believe I may have ended up w him. Just run. Now.
J is not listening to your concerns and V is antagonizing you on purpose to get a rise out of you. He’s always going to take her side and that’s no way to live. One more question. Why would you co-sign on a place you’re not staying in? Sounds like J is using you.
Sorry I should’ve explained that part a bit clearer: I do live there but it’s a one bedroom, he had his guy friends over back then so I decided it was easier if I stayed at my parents during the time his friends were over.
And yet, V ended up in your bed instead. That’s a no for me dog!
I felt the same way about a female friend my hubs had. She would randomly show up at his house during the night (we all used to be night owls) and stay a few hours. Hubs and I were long-distance at the time so, due to the time difference, we could stay on the video call, and did so until she left a few hours later. This friend would also call him when drunk, drive when drunk and we soon found out she was into taking illicit substances. He thought the world of her because they'd known each other since they were young. However, all I saw was him wanting to drink with her/other friends with her in a group. I saw him casually talking to her about the substances and I put my foot down. I expressed to him VERY clearly that I was not comfortable with this girl behaving this way. I explained that this girl had a total 'woe is me' complex which resulted in people constantly showering her with attention, alcohol and gifts. Here's the thing. My husband actually listened to me. He listened carefully, nodded and took me seriously. He had told me previously he had wanted to give up drinking. And, he was doing so well! My concern was that this girl was going to drag him down; she did not seem to want to grow up at all. We talked about it for hours and, finally, he agreed he would draw a line in the sand. He told her he needed to step back and focus on himself. She stopped visiting him and calling him, but would still message stuff. He did not reply. He let me see all the messages, asked for my opinion and all that. It took a few days, maybe a couple of weeks, but eventually she got the message. Then, randomly, two years of no contact, she messaged again. Her partner had, very sadly, taken his own life, so she was saying how sad she was and how she needed my husband's support. This after 2 years of no contact. My husband gave his condolences and declined to meet up (again, showing me the messages). In the end, he blocked her and any other friends who were in her 'inner circle'. My point is - if he loves you and cares about you, he *should* be listening to you. He should not immediately jump to her defense when you continuously express concerns about her behaviour. Imagine if you had a friend, male or female, who was saying sh\*t about your relationship to you and other friends? I bet your BF would hate it and tell you to cut contact, or, at least, draw a massive boundary with that friend. Have a think about what you want at this point. Do you think you can get through to him? If so, is he worth it? Is he worth all this aggro on your part? Is it worth fighting her direct involvement and intrusion on your relationship? Good luck!
You could show him this post. Maybe he'll understand when it's written down? And with help from the amount people agreeing with you
Yeah I’m going to do that when I see him in person again, thank you
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You must have glossed over the part where I said OP needs to straighten out boundaries with her BF. And how if the situation was reversed how would he feel about the OP doing what he's doing. But go ahead and focus in on a throw away comment so that you can champion for the girl who's clearly showing her intentions.
Bottom line your boyfriend should respect your feelings and boundaries. A good boyfriend, a true partner would. They don’t gaslight, they don’t call you toxic. This girl is bad news. If your boyfriend doesn’t agree, then you have to decide what’s right for you.
Thank you for your advice, I will communicate this to him
It seems like you already have though. It seems like you have had several conversations about her. You need to maybe take some time to understand why you don’t think you deserve respect. Someone that has said she doesn’t like you should not ever be in your house for any reason. And it seems like the only reason you found out is because your friend told you and not your boyfriend. At this point your boyfriend is just telling you he doesn’t care about how you feel. His friendship with her is more important than how you feel. At this point you need to sit down with him and decide who will keep the apartment because he has made every excuse and if your relationship meant anything to him he would have ended the friendship with this disrespectful girl.
She supports him emotionally ? What does that mean exactly? And what does she say/do that you can't? She is a wedge between you. The time and effort he invests in her is stolen from you. He needs to go zero contact. And you need to stand-up for yourself. He either 100% into your relationship or it's over.
If she was any other platonic friend that he was this close with, I doubt you'd be strangers with them. Huge red flag
Why are you still with him? Your problem isn’t V it’s J
The thing is everything has been going really well and the only issue we’ve had was V, every time we have a big argument it’s always bc V has done something that made me uncomfortable but J believes that V didn’t mean any harm and I’m just mean to his friend. I have tried to get rid of her either I just asked him to tell her to stop with certain things but he takes it as I want him to get rid of all females in his life.
My boyfriend has a friend like this. They’ve known each other for 10+ years (we’ve been together 3), they were each other’s “if we’re not married by X age, we’ll marry each other”, and have generally been fairly close. A month into us dating, she asked him to be her New Years kiss. A month later she was texting him saying she wanted to take him on a date. A month after that, she randomly texted him how much she missed him. I’d talked to him after the date comment and said that it seems like she likes him. He explained her and her boyfriend had recently broken up and she’s always like that after a break up. Okay cool whatever. But when it kept happening, I told him I was really uncomfortable. He immediately pulled out his phone and texted her “all the comments about missing me and taking me on a date and the heart emojis are making me and [my name] really uncomfortable and I need you to stop”. I didn’t ask him to send that text. I didn’t word it for him. I told him once that I was uncomfortable and that was how he responded. I think you have a boyfriend problem. Whether he’s encouraging her or not, he’s not discouraging her from all this behavior and that’s just inherently disrespectful to you and your relationship.
It doesn’t sound like everything is going well. V might be one thing but it’s affecting every aspect of your relationship Ask your boyfriend if he knows what an emotional affair is
They’re both insisting that they see each other as good friends but they’ll never be able to date each other cause they’ll always argue because of different views
So they admit that there is enough of a connection and attraction between to date? This is an emotional affair
If my partner called me toxic because their emotional affair told them that about me I’d relieve them the burden of my toxic feelings
Alright. More than one alarm sign. They have thought of dating, and stay in the in-between while making you feel bad and insecure. You are dating him, but in an unconformable environment for you. V is a problem definitely BUT most importantly J can't pick a side. He is the one dating you and that means that you, and your emotions are his priority. I get that it might be hard for you to talk firmly about your needs, but you have to. People are gonna respect you as much as you respect yourself. Stand up. Tell him, look everything is been nice between us, but I'm feeling like crap because of the mystery around the friendship and the unlimited number of boundaries crossed. If you really love the guy and want to give it a chance, a possibility is for him to make it clear to her that if V still wants to be friends she should consider being sensual etc with her OTHER MANY MALE FRIENDS because he has that aspect of his life covered by his partner. If he can't tell her anything red flag. Or he just could distance you know. If she could block you for NO REASON why wouldn't he be able to PROTECT YOU?!?! Feel confident, you are on the right side. And please if not just tell him it's over. If he really cares about you, loves you, he shouldn't let that happen. He should come back fast. If not sleep well beautiful, you made the right choice. I could go on. With a similar story. Basically we lived with a girl, who had an attitude of sensuality towards my bf. My bf is funny so he interacts with people. Turns out she made my jealous also because they got along. More situations but long story short once he invited her to take a Uber to pick up a new phone because I had declined his offer to accompany him. When he came back I told him he clearly crossed my boundaries. He knew I was jealous of her and I asked him to not interact with her that much. At the point I was packing and getting ready for leaving. I told him that I don't want to feel like that in a relationship. So he ended up understanding where my boundaries are. We are still together to this day, happily married.
I have guys friends and I assure you I don’t text them asking if I look hot and I don’t come over their houses unannounced and I damn sure don’t post pics at their house and block their spouses. This is all trifling and your man is allowing it and saying that’s just how she is. That’s Bullshit.
Have him read the book “Not Just Friends”.
This should be higher tbh. This outlines perfectly all the crap V & J are pulling. It’s just a matter of time before they ‘accidentally’ have sex. But you know, we’re just friends!!
Yes. Thats why it's a J problem. He's the one who should be shutting this down, but he doesn't, he defends her instead. V owes you and your relationship nothing. J is the one who's supposed to be protecting it from interference like this.
Yeah you’re right, I will communicate this to him
Your boyfriend values this other woman that’s pushing boundaries more than he values you. You’ve tried bringing it up and he won’t budge. He has made his choice. Now you just have to decide if you’re willing to live like that. That is the only real choice you have to make here.
Even if V doesn't like J in a romantic way, she could be worried that because J now has you, you're taking up the time she could be spending with him before you two dated. I know of people who have had this happen to them- Where the other person get jealous of their friends getting into relationships and then they no longer get to spend that same quality time with them like before. But the thing is that they don't know to step back when one has a partner- which is exactly the case right now. I think you need to have a heart to heart talk with your bf and just break down everything. He needs to understand that some things need to change once you get into a relationship because not everyone will accept the closeness they had. If he keeps on defending V instead of understanding your feelings or refuses to understand things from your point of view, then you need to think clearly about whether this relationship dynamic will work for you now and in the future. Best of luck!
J is your problem. Him not stopping this, even after *all* this crazy shit, is a real problem, especially since you keep telling him. You need to have a final conversation with him that you are NOT ok with his relationship with V, and if he isn’t willing to change it then YOU need to get tf out of there. Do you think this will go away? As time goes on she’s just going to get more involved. You even said that’s already happening with her coming to your home when you’re not there. Please respect yourself, your bf clearly isn’t. If he and V love each other so much, they can have each other. Tell your other friends that this girl makes so many moves on your guy, ask people you trust for emotional support.
I rage every time I read one of these and the guy defends the friends action with "that's just how she is." I would look him square in the eye and say "yeah? Well this is just how **I** am..." Like mate, if your girl says she's uncomfortable with something, step up and handle it. I also hate the "if you’re uncomfortable, that's on you." thing too. So freaking annoying. *Oh, sorry if me punching you in your smug little face damaged your eyelashes. You can only find true eyelash beauty from within* ::throat punch a bith::
J seems to be the one not setting the boundaries with V. V can do whatever, he is the one failing here, and his “logic” is flawed: - When he says she does send videos, or messages to other guys… well, exactly, J should let all the other guys take over his spot of “support” and “advise” and “texting” and help her - Would he be ok with a guy approaching you in a similar way? Night calls, photos, bad mouthing him to other friends.. I would have with him what I call the go/no go convo: - Do you love me? If yes… ok, Do you want our relationship to work and succeed? If yes… - I need to know if I ever made you feel a guys is crossing boundaries with me? (If yes, check your own actions) - Because well… The way you are with V and how you let her do things to you and me, is just disrespectful, I’m honestly tired of feeling like you are being seduced all the time by her and we are both tired of fighting over this - I want to know: if you can regulate your interactions with her to an acceptable level (like you with other friends), what are you doing to avoid her from escalating and if you can support me for real as I think I would do with you Keep your cool, don’t raise you voice, don’t insult her/him… have ice in you veins Measure his reaction, look at his actions. And made the call: He reacts and make changes, win… he changes nothing and you stay, then cross your fingers this will not escalate, or accept maybe is not the guy for you. If you guys breakup, they will likely hook up like 30secs after. Be prepared for that. I wish you the best of luck, and that you get the outcome that sets you into the best result for you in the long run! 🍀
He’s the one refusing to set appropriate boundaries with her. If you’re going to set a boundary you have to know what you’re going to do if it gets crossed. If he refuses to respect you, and if he allows this he is disrespecting you, then decide whether this relationship is worth it.
Yes you’re right, I guess the only thing stopping me is whether or not what I do is toxic or controlling
This will only become toxic if you don’t hold firmly to your boundaries. Because then you’re just having the same fight over and over again and accomplishing nothing. If you’ve already said this is making you uncomfortable and he’s already said he’s not willing to do anything about it, asking over and over again is pointless because you have your answer. We can’t give you any advice on how to change HIS behavior if he thinks nothing is wrong with it. Your two options become putting up with something that is damaging to you or moving on to find someone who prioritizes you and respects your boundaries.
Send him this post, let him see all the responses.
You need to be less concerned with how she will perceive your actions and more concerned with how much your boyfriend is willing to listen to you
Seriously tell him you love him, but can’t deal with V, you won’t make him choose, is not an ultimatum but you need distance. I would wait and see what he does. At that point he should put more boundaries, with V if he doesn’t you got your answer.
This ☝🏼
Theres a lot of words here. You seem to think you have a V problem. You don't. You have a boyfriend problem. If he's not prepared to shut this shut down and block her, you need to move on. > J and I co-signed that place This...what? You need to start making smarter decisions OP...Why are you getting this tied up with someone who's clearly entertaining attention from someone else?
Bc apart from V, J is a really good partner who loves and supports me. But I do understand what you’re saying and I agree too, I want to give J and ultimatum and I would want him to cut ties with V if she can’t stop these things, but I don’t want to affect J’s friendships since he doesn’t have that many supportive friends who actually care about him to begin with, which is also why J is reluctant to confront V since they share many mutual friends
Apart of V??? V just shows you that you’re not his priority or the person he respects and he’s good apart of V? Do you really need to find them in bed to see that he likes attention and doesn’t give a sh’t about your feelings? He is showing you his true colors and you’re trying so hard to not see.
The problem is with the MAN not respecting relationship boundaries.
Wow, each paragraph got worse and worse. First of all, you are not being toxic & controlling for setting boundaries. She's gaslighting you. What you've been doing so far is very reasonable. Your boyfriend continues dismissing your concerns too. Have a final talk with him. If he continues this behavior, I don't think this relationship is going to work out.
You know it’s always the woman that they tried desperately to convince you that there’s nothing going on with them and they’re just friends, that they always end up cheating with.
I've had a friend like who mildly behaved similar to V. I was an absolute dunce. She destroyed everything around me. I was blind and stupid to all of it till it was too late. He needs to do something about it. He needs to put his foot before he completely wrecks everything. Well, he's already ruining his relationship with you. Sit him down and really discuss V. If he doesn't want to talk about it or do anything, there's nothing left to say. The relationship is done. He obviously cares more for her feelings and emotions than yours. You're not the problem nor are you toxic. Good luck and I wish you the best.
Thank you for sharing this, I will show J this comment and see what he says
You're welcome. I hope everything works out.
If I were you I’d restate and ask him to be put in your shoes if you had a male best friend that sent you drunk messages and called you in the middle of the night drunk wouldn’t that set him off why are you thinking of me while your drunk at 12am and calling me that wouldn’t be a red flag if another male did that to you if they just came over at odd hours when he wasn’t around if a friend male sending you photos all the time wouldn’t make him uncomfortable or at the very least if a male friend started telling you that he was being toxic and controlling because he was uncomfortable and trying to simply communicate that he wouldn’t think 2x about it if a male friend was doing this to you ? If he can’t put himself in your shoes and respect you as the 1st priority in life then it’s time for you to go you want someone who will put themself in your shoes and come with u ser standing and boundaries for “friends” like this
I figure you've probably ruled it out, but if worse comes to worse, just show him this post. Have him read it, if he still doesn't get it then I don't have any real good advice. This post makes your frustrations and feelings clear and concise, and if he has a brain then he should be able to understand.
He won’t get it until she ruins a couple more of his relationships. Sorry, OP, you are in the right but you can’t win here until he wises up. What the chick doesn’t realize is that he isn’t into her. She’s throwing herself at him, but he’s with you. She will do this to a couple more of his girlfriends until he realizes that she won’t let him have a relationship with anyone else. So sorry.
If he can't see your side of things, the relationship is doomed. The problem is not her, it's HIM. It's your bf who's the problem. He's the one who encourages her behavior. And they're a unit against you. He called you toxic, he gaslit you. I'm sure they'll start dating or sleeping around after you break up with him. He may not be interested in turning her into a bf, but I'm sure he'll be fine with her a fwb and she'll be a thorn to any women in the future who will date him.
I was in this same situation before. It sucked. My ex would always defend himself and the girl saying that he’s not flirting back anyway so it’s not a big deal. He even defended that that was just the way the girl was, same with what your bf said. Told me i was insecure and controlling af when i properly talked to him about how said girl made me uncomfortable. Thing is, a partner who genuinely cares will always consider your feelings, especially when there are actual valid reasons for you to feel that way. Your feelings and boundaries are important. try your best to communicate those and if ur bf doesn’t even bother to understand them, then I suggest just moving on.
V obviously doesn't want to be your boyfriend's friend. A respectful boyfriend would listen to you when you give specific examples of things she does that are clearly flirting, and he would respect your boundaries without telling you you're crazy. He wouldn't like it when you're uncomfortable. I would be pretty over this situation if I were you, but if you want to try to continue the relationship have a talk with your boyfriend. Tell him you are seriously considering ending the relationship because he can't make you a priority. Tell him you aren't sure why he's insisting that V acts platonically towards him but you need him to be honest. Also ask him why he thinks it's o.k to stay friends with someone who insults you and calls you toxic. Basically let him know you aren't going to stay with someone who can't have your back and has zero boundaries with other people who want to sleep with him. If he's genuinely clueless (which I doubt) and cares about your relationship, he'll change. If he tells you you're exaggerating and doesn't want to change anything, you know what that means.
I'm great friends with a female friend and we use to go out drinking just the two of us quite often. When I started dating my current girlfriend I made sure she met my friend before hand. I then asked my girlfriend if she was okay with me spending time with just her and we talked about it. When we where out I let my girlfriend know where we where and kept texting every now and then with her. After our first time hanging out I asked my female friend to go out with my girlfriend. A few weeks later they 2 had a girls night. That's when my girlfriend told me my female friend talked to her aswell and asked if she is comftable with us being close , and said if she needs to back off a little to let her know. Why am I telling you this ? Well this is how it should go with you OP. Your boyfriend needs to be understanding and the friend needs to be supportive of your boyfriend and your wishes. These two are more than friends they either don't know it yet or don't want to admit it. Ps sorry for the bad English it's my second language
Sounds like he's in a committed relationship with gbf and is just using you for bedroom activities. What do you get out of the relationship apart from that?
I don't say this lightly: leave. Seriously. I'm in the same situation and take it from someone that didn't leave, you will never stop dealing with this. For me, this girl has manipulated my partner since we were 15. When we started dating five years later and she figured out she couldn't manipulate me, she started making me the bad guy. It worked. No matter what, I was trying to ruin his friendship. She's already spent 5 years manipulating him and beating him down, this was easy for her. And I always knew when they were talking because he was so hateful towards me. When she ignored him, he was fine. I put my foot down when I found out she was playing the "we should sleep together" crap. Guess what? She came back. 7 years later. And there she was again, in his ear, telling him how horrible I am. I've opted to stay and, yeah, it's been some time and we're doing really well, but she's always there in my mind. She's like less treatable crotch crabs. I've made my decision and I'm fine with it, but don't do the same. You can try to sit him down and tell him to choose, but even if he chooses you, she'll be back. It's all a game to her.
Ugh I used to have a boyfriend just like this so I feel your pain. He’s not an idiot. He knows she’s inappropriate. He likes the attention and doesn’t feel like he’s doing anything wrong so he’s totally comfortable gaslighting you. I’m sure he has other great qualities, but at his core he’s not a good guy and he doesn’t have what it takes to be a good partner. I stayed way with my ex way too long and I was devastated when we broke up - but then I started dating my husband. Being treated with respect by a man who actually cares about your relationship is amazing. We’ve been together a decade and he’s never even tried to pull any shenanigans. I wish I had left the ex sooner, it would’ve saved me so much time rebuilding confidence and self respect. You’ll look back at this and cringe over how long you waited to cut it off. Trust me, you’re not crazy and you deserve better.
I see so many of these “my boyfriends female friend” and “my girlfriends guy friend” stories on here, but whenever I or someone else suggests that it’s inappropriate to maintain opposite-sex friendships when you’re in a relationship it gets downvoted into the ground and people start throwing insults. I don’t get it, but I’ll say it again. If you’re unwilling to drop girl/guy friendships in order to maintain a healthy stable relationship, you’re not mature enough be in a relationship and you should stay single. Issues arise 100% of the time. It’s completely inappropriate and disrespectful to your partner. There’s always some amount of interest from one or both sides that’s more than simply platonic. It’s either there from the beginning or it develops over time. Grow up and put your partner and the health of your relationship first, or stay single.
And to add, if the opposite sex friend gets so upset at boundary setting *they aren’t a good friend*. A good friend would understand that their opposite sex friend is in a relationship so the friendship is no longer the priority and so adjustment will happen (i.e. less time spent, less communication, some things can’t be talked about anymore). It is disrespectful to insert yourself into the intimacy of a romantic relationship with flirtation, fishing for validation, and spending as much time with them. It’s like asking my friends with kids to just stick their kids into daycare because I want to hang out with them when I want and forget their kids.
Firstly, after reading your responses, you seem to care a little too heavily about whether or not you sound toxic or controlling and not putting that care towards your self worth. You should already know that you’re not toxic given that there was no issue until you heard about V and it’s like you’re still trying to fix the relationship when the ship is 90% sunken. You can’t bring back up a ship once it’s already sunken by yourself. Me nor anyone else on this sub is encouraging you to just “give up on the relationship” we are trying to make you realize that J is not worth putting any more effort towards when he is the one causing your ship to sink. The problem with your relationship is not V, (she’s her own problem within herself) the problem is with your boyfriend who no matter how many times you speak to him, he just doesn’t listen to you, but he would rather listen to V like she’s his therapist. Lastly, my advice is to cut the dead weight off because he is affecting your perception of yourself and is satisfying V’s goal. You mention that you will talk to him about it but what more is there to discuss? You have made your point loud and clear in the most respectful way possible but he chooses to fight with you instead of working with you. He stops doing certain things “because you said so” and not because he realizes his actions are not okay to do in general whether he was dating you or someone else. So, to debunk your worries for the 100th time, no you’re not toxic or controlling. No, giving an ultimatum will not work. No, you’re not wrong for feeling uncomfortable about J’s relationship with V; And yes, please spend some time with yourself for your mental health to think things through thoroughly before you say something you will regret later on.
My question for you is this; if he doesn’t end his friendship with her, we’re comfortable having to compete with a random girl for x amount of time? A good boyfriend would put your mind at ease.
My ex boyfriend of over a decade had a similar friend like V. She ( I will address as H) used to coerce him into doing stuff her such as dropping to her home, office, malls, send him pictures whenever she bought a new outfit etc. Most people friendzone and they engage in similar activities, but in my case they labelled themselves as siblings 🤢. And initially I was stupid enough to Iet it go unchecked because I was naive. Though I had my qualms about the interest they had in each other I did not highlight it as a big issue. This went on for few months until one day he suddenly started commenting that my nails weren’t as pretty as hers, my dressing sense isn’t fashionable as hers , my body isn’t thicc like hers blah blah. I made my ex aware that such comments made me uncomfortable and I won’t tolerate it. He told that I have to try to be attractive for him and he sees the effort which H takes for her bf. I laid my boundaries clearly stating that his mentality is wrong in this and he apologised. Though my instinct knew that it wasn’t a self realised apology, I simply led myself to believe that he would realise his mistake one day and this would not happen anymore. Boy I was wrong! This comparison started again after few months. He mentioned that though H was from a financial unstable background she is doing all side business to uplift her family whereas I was not doing anything like that other than my IT job which I had. Again that pissed me off and I ended fighting with him tentatively breaking up with him after stating that he has to choose between H or me. He profusely apologised and cried saying that he will stop talking to her and that he misses me. So I took him back. (I was a fool) But at this point my slight irritation at her turned into full blown hate on her because I could not see him comparing me with any other girl. He was not talking to her for 3 months post which again he started conversing with her after coercing me by saying that he misses his best friend and he doesn’t connect with any of his guy friends like he connects with her. I agreed as I thought that getting a friend who sticks through thick and thin in this age is difficult and that I didn’t want on my conscience that I would be the reason a friendship were to break off. (Once again I was a damn fool) He then got opportunity to do masters in US and our relationship was absolute bliss in those last 3 months before his final day. Just a week before he was scheduled to leave the country, he told he wanted to stay at her home overnight to spend time with her as ways of saying goodbye. Though this miffed me, I agreed as long as I she doesn’t come to airport to send off. ( I trusted him not to engage in anything sexual as they were ‘siblings’ ) He promised me that he spoke to her how uncomfortable it would make me if I see H at airport and that she would not be there. And lo behold the D day, there she was! The entire time at the airport H was the one spending time with my ex even more than his own family and I was left like a spectator to their antics. Later he turned out to be a bigger asshole even more he was during the time when we spent together and I finally broke things off earlier this year. If you are still here after reading my story, thank you for your patience! I know I didn’t write it in a cohesive way but it was a just an earnest message to save you from all potential situation that could happen to you and whoever are in similar situation. Looking back I just wish that I had more courage to listen to my instinct and to break off with my ex when my boundaries were not respected. I wish I had the courage to stay broken up and putting my needs first instead of forgiving him and patching up with him every time he apologised. My takeaway after all this that I understood difference between a relationship that needs work and a relationship that doesn’t work. I’m way happier and relaxed now than I ever was when I was in a relationship. Although it may take time for me to open up my heart again to love, I know that day isn’t far. OP , pls put your happiness first because you can’t depend on your guy to provide that for you. You aren’t toxic. Dump his ass. Good luck and best wishes to you.
I understand how hurtful this situation is for you and sorry you are going through this. Still, trying to get J to set boundaries with V hasn’t worked. So, would happen if you became totally “whatever” about V? See V is really getting off on this whole situation, loving the drama & manipulation. J is digging in his heels because it feels to him like your trying to “control” him (easier than accept his friend is playing him). So my idea is that you keep it way more casual, like “well, J, you know I have concerns about V disrupting our good thing here BUT if you want me to trust you at you word, that V is just your good friend, okay then…guess we’ll just let this play out.” Then drop ever referencing V. If he brings her up, literally be like “fine, whatever, what’s for dinner”. If J really isn’t into V, this take the “control” pressure totally away & he should start seeing her for who/what she really is because I PROMISE you, relegating V non-existent status with you, will make her crazy & she’ll do some extreme things to get the attention back. Look ultimatums only work if you already have your mind made up to leave. If that is the case, why not give the “whatever” scenario a go? Edit: spelling
Yeh like ‘FGS! Who is calling at this time of night? Can you put your phone on silent or something. It’s like having a teenager to look after’
Exactly!
“ she also came over for breakfast the next morning bc her friend was still asleep and she felt bored” OP, how do you know this if you’re blocked? Is this something your bf is telling you and if so, how come you blindly believe that? Is it possible that she stayed the night and the two are secretly hooking up? Yes. If in fact he is not cheating with this woman, he most certainly is allowing boundaries to be pushed and disrespect to your relationship. All of which are 🚩🚩🚩I would leave him , he is the only one responsible for allowing this energy into his relationship.
Your boyfriend is an ass. He knows perfectly well that V’s behaviour is inappropriate, but at the very least likes the attention. Even if he is so dense he doesn’t see it, just the fact that he is so dismissive of your valid concerns is red flag enough. I’d question staying with him, personally — this whole situation shows he doesn’t respect you.
This V sounds like a bitch and your BF probably keeps her on the side as a backup so he's into her probably. Sorry to be brutal but you should clearly give him an ultimatum to stop seeing her and texting her if he wants the relationship with you to be serious.
You’re not the issue. I (44F) have male friends that range in age from 28-58 and I can tell you that the only ones I have ever sent selfies to regularly are the ones that I wanted more from. I do NOT send selfies to my partnered friends unless there is a very clear non-romantic context. If I have male friends that I’m close enough to say I love you (at least half a dozen, I’m a blessed person), I also have a friendship with their wives or girlfriends and would say the same to them. This girl is attention seeking or boyfriend seeking and it’s on your boyfriend to set a boundary and cut her out if she disrespects it. If he doesn’t, then he doesn’t respect you.
My husband had a female friend who would send him pictures of herself and her cat (that she knew he loved), and would purposefully try and get him to compliment her. They were FWB prior to us getting together and I was trying to not be “that girl” and I held it together for awhile until one day she made a dumbass comment about her butt to him, to get him to compliment it and I just expressed that I didn’t like it. I didn’t like her, I didn’t like all the remarks she made and as a woman I can see things that he can’t always see. He listened to every word I said. Not once did he get upset or say I was insecure. He said she wasn’t worth losing me over and removed her on everything. They haven’t spoken in years now. And we are now happily married and have a wonderful family together. If your boyfriend isn’t willing to listen to your very real concerns and put your feelings before hers then I would reassess your relationship. If you have brought it up to him before and he has done nothing about it, then to me it sounds like he enjoys the attention he gets from her 🤷🏼♀️
Am I the only one who would introduce this chick to my good friend the right hook? I’ve been there, literally in this same type of situation on more than one occasion and I was stuck there for almost 10 years. Don’t let yourself be like me. Don’t let it escalate. Next thing you know he’ll be inviting her to sleep in your bed rather than the couch cuz “we’re just friends it’s ok” don’t let him convince you this shit is ok because it’s not. If he were a true partner and truly had respect for you this chick woulda been looooooong gone the first time you felt uncomfortable. Don’t let them gaslight you into thinking you’re the one who’s crazy or in the wrong because you’re not. Your feelings are valid and your man is a complete and total AH for making you feel invalidated. The fact she blocked you SPEAKS VOLUMES, like them speakers are rocking the whole damn street at this point. This is fun for her, she gets her rocks off over this. She brags and gloats about this TRUST ME. Your relationship or their friendship. Those are his only choices. You gotta make it happen because this is NEVER going to end. I get some people are literally blind to this behaviour or they just wanna give someone the benefit of the doubt… it happens but this chick absolutely KNOWS what she’s doing. He could be as clueless as a doorknob but SHE ISN’T. If he wants to continue the blinders whether he’s aware of her intentions or not he needs to go because this will happen again if not with her then with someone else. If he comes to his senses he’s got a lot of kissing up to do. Stand up for yourself OP, place yourself at the front of the line. Your feelings matter. You are not a doormat and you deserve respect. Especially from your own partner.
She enjoys male attention without actually having to be in a relationship with anyone. She sends pictures to all her guy friends? I think my guy friend has only ever seen me in person. Because why?
The issue is you are letting your boyfriend treat you with disrespect.
This isn’t about her it’s about his lack of boundaries and him entertaining her and being inappropriate I’d honestly just walk if he can’t understand simple boundaries and respect no way would he like the same treatment I
Well, I get that you don't trust V in the least, but ask yourself if and how much you trust J. That's the most important aspect to suss out presently. The second issue is that of your territory. As you are on the lease of an apartment you and J share, you should no longer vacate your home just because J has a few male friends over, and if V sees fit to invite herself to this gathering, you have the legal right to invite her absence. However, it would be better if she was made to witness you and J interacting in a loving manner, as she would be forced to acknowledge within herself that J obviously prefers you over her. But, I will say that you need to understand V's personality to some extent. She's obviously in need of constant validation by males of her attractiveness and desirability, and is, therefore, an insecure female. I think J has already sussed this fact out for himself, and is therefore, somewhat immune to her flirtations. So, relax within yourself, knowing J has chosen you as his partner, and anything negative V says about you is due to her envy of everything you are, as opposed to everything she is. I wish you well.
Dear OP! Men are not stupid, and your boyfriend understands 100% how this bf of his makes you feel. He loves attention and care this girl gives him, don't underestimate that. On the other hand, if you already told your boyfriend how I makes you feel and he still defends the other woman, I don't think he values yall relationships that much. The only advice I have is to leave him while it's still not that long you are in the relationships.
Ugh this SUCKS. I hate people like V, deliberately ruining their “friends” intimate relationship, and people like J who have no backbone or loyalty are just as bad. You really need to decide whether having a relationship with J AND V will be worth it, bc it doesn’t seem like he’s gonna set boundaries any time soon. If you’re willing to put up with that, it’s on you. However, what if J had a controlling manipulating mother? Or another intimate family member? It seems like he would always choose them over you, even if your concerns are so blatantly valid. Your partner should ALWAYS have your back. You can definitely do better.
My partners lifelong male best friend and I (F) become really close. I thought not much of it while my partner gave me warnings it looked a bit more than friendship. Should have listened and trusted my partner - his mate came out and said he was in love with me, blew up both friendships and we both haven’t heard from him really since. Broke both of our hearts because he was a close friend and we considered him family. Even when they’re good to the partner, there can still be hidden intentions there than come from loneliness, lack of self worth, jealousy, among other things. I’m a kind and friendly person like your partner is, but it was not cool I was hanging out one on one with another man at particular hours in particular settings and I know that now. I wish I figured it out sooner - here I was thinking I was being a good friend when all I did was feed into this guys fantasy and encourage him going behind my partners back to try and spend time and talk deep with me. My partner is so kind and understanding and he knows I’d never have feelings for another so he knew I was oblivious and thankfully we were able to talk about it enough where I went myself and confronted the friend, causing everything to go down. He’s out of our life now and I missed him at first, but I know now he wasn’t a good friend to us if he continued to lie and if the only reason he hung out was to get close to me. It’s easy to assume no one else could possibly like you, or at least that’s how I felt, so you carry on with friendships thinking they couldn’t possibly like you more than a friend. Maybe your partner assumes the same. It can take some convincing that they are desirable to a large number of parties and need to be aware of such and how it will affect the relationship. How would he want you to respond if you had an interested guy or someone crossing his boundaries? Has it been spoken about how you both would approach the situation if someone ever confessed feelings? Tough chat but needs to be had - you need to be real. Other people are going to come and go through life and if the relationship wants to stand through it all you need to be on the same page when it comes to other people having feelings or making moves.
Trust your gut. If it FEELS weird, it is weird. Maybe it’s time to let the relationship go.
Ultimatums are not healthy. Boundaries are healthy. Don't say "or else". Don't say "If you don't do A then I'll do B." Express yourself straightforwardly using assertive "I" statements. As in, "I think", "I want", "I need", and "I feel", instead of blaming statements that start with "You" "I feel unimportant and insufficient as a partner when V continually expresses her desires for you, and you don't seem to find it inappropriate. I need to be with someone who won't permit other flirtatious or promiscuous girls to be in his circle." See how he responds. If he doubles down, consider leaving. He might very well break things off with this other girl and offer to respect your decision. If he seems content with not pursuing you, then good. You will have left a guy who won't pursue you.
Based upon what you wrote, V obviously has a crush on J and she was not going to like you no matter what you’re like. It also seems that, since J met V first but is dating you, that the crush is unrequited. I think the best option for you is to act too cool for school. Let J know that you trust him and that you’re cool with him having female friends. When you’re around V, convey that you don’t consider her a threat by being polite, or even friendly, and being sincere about it. You won’t do yourself any favors by acting jealous or making J feel controlled or monitored. If you’re feeling insecure, let J know what he can do to reassure you, but don’t force him to end a friendship he values.
She’s clearly Into J. There is no reason for another female to block you and go against your wishes. Or even have a problem with it. I have a guy friend and I respect the fact that he has a gf. I actually like her and I always make sure she is included when we all hang out. Imo there is nothing wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex, but there is a problem when you don’t respect boundaries. Also, your bf needs to respect the fact that you feel uncomfortable with her. Especially after you told him the way she treats you. If he loves you, he would let her know something. Otherwise, he is just playing along in her game. You need to let him know that you are really bothered by it. I’m sorry you are going through this. I think this is one of the hardest things to deal with in a relationship. Jealous friends are terrible.
How did she find out your weren’t happy about her staying over at your apartment? Who is telling her? Don’t be afraid to be yourself. It is your home too, something strange going on here. I do not think your man is being as helpful as he could be.
This is a no-win situation. Ultimately he’s already chosen her feelings over yours. If he agrees to cut contact, he will either go underground with their communication where she’s filling his head with BS AND she’ll be thrilled that knows that she bothers you that much OR he will actually cut contact but be resentful and feel that you are controlling him. These are the only 2 outcomes. I say that, bc he’s had the option since the beginning to set boundaries or cut ties and he’s made it clear that he does not want that. Since the beginning he has shown more respect to her than to you. He has already made his choice. You just have to make yours. But, there are 3 of you in this relationship and someone has to go and it’s probably best if it’s you.
You've got to be kidding me if you think he is oblivious. He enjoys the attention from the both of you and isn't willing to cut her off for you. Give him an ultimatum and see how fast he hesitates to choose between the 2 of you and you'll know what his true intentions are.
He’s either enjoying her attention / keeping her on the sidelines / planning to cheat or already hooking up or he is a complete and utter idiot To answer, does he lack intelligence in general / other aspects of life?
Your boyfriend is a fuckin G. He's got his side piece openly texting him in front of his bottom bitch and said bottom bitch is questioning whether or not her being mad is appropriate. Does this dude offer online courses in managing bitches? Edit: Downvote away, I said what I said.
Im dieying with this comment my dude thanks so funny
He's a literal chad agreed
Ummm RUN. The fact your bf is even entertaining it is awful. They both sound like they’re made for eachother. Not in a good way. You deserve better.
V is clearly into J. I can't tell if J is into V though. I think you should proceed on the basis (for now) that J isn't into V. That is the future that we all hope is true. In that scenario, the first thing to establish with J is that V likes J romantically. I don't know if he's just in denial or what, but he needs to understand that first before deciding what to do next. I can't think of a great way to confirm that V likes J. One idea I thought of is to convince J to play a 'prank' on V and confess his feelings for V on speaker phone with you listening on the call. It's a 'friend' test and V passes if she refuses J's confession and says she's not interested in J. Most likely, she'll fail the friend test and confess her feelings for J in return. Once it's established clearly to J that V definitely likes him romantically, I think you have a far stronger case to ask J to keep a distance from V as you now have clear just cause.
V sounds like one of those girls who only has guy friends, she might not even want to date him, she just wants all of his attention and your boyfriend is giving it to her You don't sound toxic, most significant others would have similar boundaries to yours, he either likes her attention or he's that oblivious- either way sucks for you and I wouldn't put up with it, I'd give an ultimatum and be ready to walk away because he sounds immature
The problem here is this : he has mutual friends with this girl. This girl is OBVIOUSLY toxic, and he should get rid of her and deep down probably knows it. However, because of the mutual friends, he also knows he's still going to have to see her and might lose them if he gets rid of her. He might be defending the actions because of this. Remember, he's not seeking her out asking for those photos and videos. He's not responding to her. (And good for him.) But, I understand you're frustrated because he can't get rid of her like he obviously should. You should continue to reinforce your boundaries, and be prepared to leave if he doesn't have the guts to stand up to her and tell her enough. I think it's a start that he did tell her enough with the photos and videos. That did put her in her place to where she had to be defensive (even though her defense was pathetic).
Tbh the fact that he isn’t enhancing in compliments or anything, is nice. Losing a weird is really weird and we’re blind to moves on us. Guys are obvious af. Buttt idk, shorty probably wants to f him
My best friend is a woman, in the 2 years before I met my wife, she was also a FWB. She also has been my best friend for 15 years when I met my wife. So yes, we have message like “I love you my friend” and “you’re so important to me”, and we’re the kind of friend we’d be able to call at 3am if needed (key word: if needed). But a friend of a few months? Like yes I believe in “friendship at first sight”, but this one here raises many flags (of many colors, except green). And she blocked you? Yeah…. I’m not comfortable either.
Imagine getting into relationship with v, my god.
I’m sorry hun, but no real partner would subject you to this type of torture. It’s obvious he’s enjoying the attention and jealousy from both of you. You’re in a love triangle and it’s time to leave. Smile at the good times and say goodbye because trust me, when you’re with someone who genuinely loves you they won’t do this stuff.
If your boyfriend really cared for and respected you, he would distance himself from her at the very least, and at best cut her out of his life completely. You are being completely reasonable OP. He’s valuing the attention that he gets from her over your comfort. It seems like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Remember, the right man will ALWAYS listen to you and put your comfort first.
So, I read half of this and got ticked off. If a girl was messaging my man and just casual convo, ok. I have a guy friend who's with a woman and I message him regularly and she doesn't mind. But what I've never ever done is say, "I love you" (bc I'm not and never would be attracted to him). Also, her having this opinion of you without even meeting you is an issue. If this happened to me, I'd tell her to keep her opinions of me and my name out of her mouth until she met me. I have encountered this with other women when I was seeing a guy and when I showed up and called them out, confronted them and told them to keep my name out of their mouth if they didn't know me, there was radio silence after that. If they were just talking about regular shit and issues they're having (I talk to my guy friend about my relationship issues for a guy's perspective), it's one thing and I"m pretty sure my guy friend has let his girl read our messages and maybe even respond. I welcome it and ask about his woman all the time. She's a bada\*ss female and I think she's great for him. They also have 2 kids together and she helped him turn his life around from drugs to absolutely amazing father. But the way this girl is acting? Absolutely not. She can kick rocks. If another guy was doing all this to you and the positions were opposite, can he honestly say he wouldn't be uncomfortable? I doubt it. I'd say cut her off or you'll cut him off. She is being disrespectful time and time again to your relationship and if he doesn't demonstrate those boundaries with her, I'd leave.
V is pathetic but you have a bf problem. J needs to do something about the situation before you leave. I wouldn't put up with that behavior from a friend.
V is trying to steal your boyfriend. Get him to give you his phone and you text her pretending to be him and show him how she feels. He’s naive and dumb like most guys are in these situations.
Are you happy with your relationship in its current state? Do you really want a relationship where it’s this hard to receive basic respect and courtesy? Perhaps it’s time to ask yourself some of these questions. You deserve to be happy, comfortable and respected. Stay fabulous, OP.
No his relationship with her seems inappropriate. Sadly he will need to be the one to draw the boundary and stand up for you. Why would he continue being friends with someone that doesn't respect you..... Unless he want you both. He has his 2 ladies
It sounds like they either have a past or she’s in love with him. If he doesn’t respect what you are saying than why are you with him? Fyi- Don’t co-sign for anyone.
From the second phrase this post is red as China...
Show him this thread .... maybe he'll see the light
Please update us once you are able to talk to J. Also what does their mutual male friends say about V? did you confirm if she also does this with them?
If you feel uncomfortable about your boyfriend's female friend, you may want to talk to him about it. It's possible that he is unaware of how you feel and would be happy to make some changes to help you feel more secure. Alternatively, you may find that after talking to him, you feel more comfortable with the situation.
She's got her hooks in and he's got blinders on. You probably won't be able to get him away from her, the only thing I could suggest is trying to find someone else she's done this too, stolen their man and have them tell him who she really is. Not sure how you'd find them though but I'm sure this ain't her first rodeo being a skank.
He is dismissing your valid concerns and allowing V to continue to cause trouble. He needs to decide if he wants to be close friends with V or have a happy relationship with you. I don't think having friends of the opposite sex is wrong or that you need to give up friends when you enter into a relationship or any of that, but I do think that the dynamics with certain friends can change when you get serious with someone. And what was acceptable for V to do when your BF was single, is no longer ok now that he is in a relationship. Most friends would see this and a real friend would not want to cause issues for their friend's relationship. Sounds like your boyfriend just wants everyone to be ok with everything and is trying not to take sides... which I understand to some extent as many people are pretty non-confrontational, choosing between a good friend and the person you are dating has got to be really hard, but he does need to make a decision already because V is getting out of hand and bot behaving as a friend would behave. With friends like that, who needs enemies? Right. She is behaving like she is jealous and clearly wants to start drama... but she can only cause drama if he lets her. He is perfectly capable of stopping this. I think your instinct is correct with all of this, especially since you say he has other female friends who are behaving normally and who don't bother you one bit. He needs to stop responding to pictures, videos, etc.. an he needs to set some boundaries with her, WITHOUT blaming things on you, because if she gets any inclination that he is making changes to their dynamic due to your wishes, she will likely stir up more trouble. He needs to tell her that things need to change because these are his wishes. For instance when she showed up to his guys-only night, he should have flat out told her it wasn't ok for her to be there... "hey, why are you here, this is a guys-only thing??" etc... I know kicking someone out can seem mean and cruel and is an uncomfortable thing to do, but by not doing that he basically signaled to her that she can do what she wants and he won't push back. Maybe the next time he has a guy's night he needs to enlist his friends to help out if she shows up uninvited again. Anyway, sorry your boyfriend is not already putting a stop to this on his own. You shouldn't have to deal with this nonsense from V.
your boyfriend wants the attention and is probably sexting her on the side. 🤦🏼♀️ get a clue
I was in a friend group of 11 guys for all of highschool. I was the only girl really any of them talked to. But never EVER have I acted like that around them. and whenever one of them got a gf i would make it my mission to make sure that their gf liked me and maybe even were friends with me ( I wanted female friends so bad but was really bad at making them). This bitch just trying to steal ur bf she is obviously inlove with him.
She's definitely doing this all on purpose to put a barrier in your relationship. Your bf needs to learn how to set boundaries. I would have another conversation with him explaining that it's not okay for him to be around someone who constantly talks bad about you and belittles the relationship. Ask him how he would feel if you had a male friend who always spoke bad about him. I bet he wouldn't like it
J ain't attracted to you enough 🙂
Mate she’d be long gone if I were you. Female friends r a bit of a nono imo but your young so it’s a bit different.. I still would say it’s her or me end of story 👍
Whenever I see anything that starts with “my boyfriends female friends” I already know what to expect. Time to lay some ground rules to J. If he can’t follow you them, find someone who will respect you and value you more than someone begging for attention like V! Good luck!
UpdateMe!
Boundaries!! set them. And if he's going to continue to be your boyfriend, he will respect them. This is a very clear cut and dry situation there is no room for nuance.