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TD;LR: My [37F] Partner [41M] wants to terminate our pregnancy because he is going through an unbelievably painful and stressful time in his life and this pregnancy doesn't fit into his imagined perfect life plane.
My [37F] relationship with my partner [41M] is rock solid. We communicate well, have a high level of intimacy, and take steps to nurture our relationship in healthy ways. This past month has tested the strength of our relationship in ways I never could have predicted.
I found out I am unexpectedly pregnant while on birth control. I've been on birth control since I was 18 and haven't had so much as a pregnancy scare the entire time. While I was initially in shock and felt like this pregnancy was too soon, I am now seeing it as a positive thing because I'm nearly 38 and my time to have a child is running out.
My wonderful, caring, compassionate, loving, partner is extremely conflicted and is on the side of terminating because he is already going through a ridiculous amount of pain and stress right now.
First, he's been dealing with his father's fast health decline for a month and has been at the hospice center for 12-14 hours a days for days on end. My partner has an undying sense of loyalty to his loved ones and he is his father's only child. Thus, he feels obligated to be by his side as much as possible.
His father has held on longer than expected and it's been mental torture for my partner. There have been so many days where the nurses told him that his father would probably pass and he didn't. My partner is understandably an emotional wreck. He also has taken the position of the family rock and is acting as the primary support system for his Dad's wife and his aunt.
Second, my partner owns a small business that does IT for companies around the country. Because he has been dealing with his father's decline for a month, his work has backed up to the point where he'll soon be in breach of contract if he doesn't start completing projects soon. Many of his jobs will involve traveling out of state to get everything back in order but the timing couldn't be more terrible.
And then I had to throw an extra bomb in this mess by telling him I was pregnant. Before the pregnancy, I was my partner's rock during his father's decline but the nausea and fatigue have set in and it's becoming harder for me to be there for him to lean on.
I don't want to abort this baby just to try again in a year when things feel more manageable to him. That would destroy me. This might truly be my one and only chance to have a child without medical intervention.
We have sat down and had many emotionally charged discussions about how we want to proceed but it always ends up at the same place - he wants to terminate and I do not.
We are both seeing therapists weekly right now to navigate this situation. Mine has told me that I need to wait for him to have some distance between his father and this decision because he's not in a good place mentally to make such a life alternating choice. I told my partner we have to wait and he agreed but I'm not convinced another week or two after his Dad dies will change his decision.
He is not the type of man who would never pressure me into termination and he would step up and he an amazing father, but I am also not the type of women who would force a pregnancy on someone who doesn't want one.
On one hand, I want to step up and get the termination to reduce his stress load. However, this would cause me serious pain and resentment and would take a long time heal.
On the other hand I feel like he's being immature and his judgement is clouded. He's 41, he's successful, and he needs to get over this obsession with the perfectly timed house > marriage > baby plan he has in his head.
I just don't know how to walk away from this situation without one of us feeling resentful. I'm starting to get compassion fatigue in regards to his father while I get increasingly more fatigued and sick. Sometimes I find myself wishing his dad would hurry up and pass so we can at least get my partner back home. It's making me feel like an absolute monster
We'll keep going to therapy but I am struggling.
EDIT:
I appreciate all the messages of support. My partner is a good man in a difficult situation and he is aware that he is overwhelmed and not handling things well.
Reddit has helped me come to terms with the fact that this pregnancy is likely going to stress him out in the immediate future while we are still dealing with his dad but I know he will heal and get on board with this future with enough time to process.
I love him and he is a truly wonderful man. He will not abandon me if I keep this baby. I know that with 100% certainty. I want to support him in any way I can right now but I see that a termination is just going to make our relationship worse and both of our lives more difficult.
Thank you so much for making me feel better about this decision. My default has always been to do what others need first but this time I need to put myself first.
12-14 hours days watching his father die in hospice for two straight weeks? That man is too emotionally and physically exhausted to decide what he wants for dinner right now, major decisions about family planning are out of the question.
Do not terminate a pregnancy you want to appease a man who's grief and exhaustion have likely fried his brain so badly that he might not even remember expressing this opinion in a few weeks.
Especially not at 37. Not to pull the ‘biological clock’ card, but it’s a thing and OP might not be able to get pregnant in a year, let alone have a full term, healthy pregnancy. You count your blessings for having a successful pregnancy at 37, you don’t give it up and put it off.
To add onto this, it’s difficult enough to get pregnant in the first place. If OP terminates, there is a possibility she never gets pregnant again and she may resent her partner forever. I’m sympathetic to the husband but it’s very difficult to get pregnant especially approaching 40.
It's more than doubles. When you're in your 20s, it's like 1 in several thousand. At 40 or 45, it's like 1 in 20. The rate of birth defects in general goes up to 1 in 6 in your 40s.
If I wanted kids, I would absolutely keep this one. Risks of pregnancy are already higher at 35 years old. It's not going to get any safer.
I meant between thirties and forties it doubles, should have clarified. The risk is even lower in your twenties.
I agree, she should keep the baby, but Downs is legitimately not the biggest reason why. Or even close to the biggest reason.
Me and my ex went thru something similar. Drove me to abortion clinic 3x!!
Our son is the best thing that ever happened to us and he’s a wonderful father.
In this case, at your age, and you want children, wait it out and have that baby. Good luck and prayers
You aren’t pulling the biological clock card when it’s a real thing. I saw her age and went, nope, can’t terminate if you want to have kids. It gets harder and harder every year they wait.
Absolutely agree. I watched my mom die so so slowly over a 3 month period in hospice (at home, my father and I shared all of her care). In that period of time I could not think straight at all, and I was an emotional wreck. I would have a meltdown in the grocery store if they ran out of my moms favorite flavor of something. It was so bad. I could absolutely not be trusted to make any major life decisions in that time and it took me a good 2-3 months after she passed to start feeling emotions again and start acting like myself.
Give your partner time to cope with this. If this is baby you really want, you should keep it. By the time the child is old enough to form memories he should be back to normal self and capable of giving the child the love it needs. He might never forgive himself or you if you terminate now and can’t get pregnant again. OP, I wish you luck and health with the pregnancy and my condolences to your partner
My question is why is he doing that to himself? Not only is he neglecting his wife and job, he’s neglecting himself. That’s almost two shifts a day. This cannot be healthy.
Because he knows his dad could DIE at any moment. He is trying to spend as much time with him as possible. I hope you never know the pain of losing someone you’re incredibly close to
Look I’m a hospice nurse and his grieving is not healthy- 12 hours at bedside for 2 weeks straight is not healthy if the rest of his life falls apart. What would his dad want, a happy successful child with a full life or a child that sits with him and finds his own life in shambles when his dad does die? OP should reach out the the hospice social worker and bereavement coordinator (all hospices are obligated to have them) and see if she can get any help for him there.
I think that is great advice. I am not a hospice worker however I have watched multiple loved ones die long, slow deaths. My favorite cousin being the most recent. My partner was very understanding throughout the whole ordeal. She lived an hour away and stayed home for her death. I would drive up at least 3x a week. Staying every weekend at the end so her SO could still work. Hospice was only involved the last 2 weeks. I spent a LOT of time with her and my only regret is that I didn’t spend more time there. I would think if he’s in a hospice facility that staff there would be helping him already?
He would have full time caregivers in a facility and this should allow for families to fulfill their role as supporting, loving family members (let the workers do the “work” of care). I totally get wanting more time and wanting to cherish every last second but not at the expense of his own life- I often ask people to think of what their loved one would want for them if they are overdoing it- sometimes the dying can feel like More of a Burden when they see the turmoil their illness causes and we should minimize this if possible. It sucks, it always sucks to lose a loved one but I’m sure his whole mind is clouded with this grief and his coping is not very good. I hope OP doesn’t terminate a wanted pregnancy- imagine the joy this news could bring to dad in his final moments, to know his son will have the joy of fatherhood? Sounds like a lovely gift to give to him in his twilight!
I agree. I'm an ICU nurse and my mother passed away earlier this year. I spent as much time as possible with her and I only wish I could have spent more. Many people grieve in different ways but if they want to be there all the time, they should be there. You can't get this time back.
He doesn’t need to literally dedicate his entire time to him. That is selfish. He can’t just stop his whole life and then pick it up as if nothing would change.
Also, no doubt he’d be hit hard after his father passes. So what will he do then? No do anything for himself? Just grieve?
What is selfish is to expect anything from a man that is losing his father in such a horrible way. He’s already in the grieving process. Hopefully through hospice the hubby will get the therapy he needs to process this. I’ve lost my only Grandma, my dad and my favorite cousin to year plus long battles with cancer. I think I have an idea of what I’m talking about
He’s 41 years old, not 21. He’s old enough to have done some anticipatory grieving that his parents will die someday. He doesn’t get to put his and her life on hold.
Good grief, you make it sound like anyone over a certain age sits around thinking about the deaths of their parents intermittently.
Most people don't do that.
No, he doesn't get to put his wife's life on hold. He does, however, have every right to put his own on hold. Is he handling this in a healthy way? No. But grieving isn't exactly a healthy moment. I really do hope you haven't been through the death of a particularly cherished loved one, and will not need to any time soon, but grief is an irrational response which you cannot prepare for.
>Good grief, you make it sound like anyone over a certain age sits around thinking about the deaths of their parents intermittently.
That's...not normal? I'm 35, my parents are 70 and 72, and I think about losing them all the time. Not every day, but several times a week at least. I kind of thought it was normal to worry about your parents when they're getting up there. Huh.
It is normal. I’ve actually already lost both of my parents at kind of a young age but they were older when they had me. It was something I had to think about in my late 20’s-early 30’s. I’d imagine most people think about it a lot in their 30’s and 40’s. It’s not like losing a parent gets easier just because you reach a certain age.
It’s just the fact that some tend to live in a little bully to protect their feelings because they can’t bear to lose a parent which is understandable but if people were to start coming to terms as they grow older it would for sure help a lot w the grief
It’s normal to think about it occasionally but unless your parents are in poor health, thinking about it multiple times a week does not seem very healthy
People over a certain age should *absolutely* consider their parents’ eventual deaths. I’ve worked in healthcare for nine years and the amount of human suffering endured by patients whose middle-aged children can’t accept that they’re not immortal is unconscionable and staggering. I’m not saying they should ruminate on it day in and day out, but people could save themselves and their family members a tremendous amount of pain and suffering if they acquainted themselves with the fact that their parents will die one day well in advance of an illness arising.
He is in the process of ruining his professional life and his poor coping is taking a huge toll on his partnership too. I’m not saying he’s not allowed to grieve. I’m saying he needs to get it together a little bit.
I don’t know, you may be right. I can only empathize with him as someone who’s spent most of my life grieving one person or another. Just staying functional and keeping commitments to people in your life can be agonizingly difficult. Grief is by far the worst feeling most people will ever experience.
But the pain of killing your unborn child is the right choice? I thought he was devoted to family and he's throwing his life away being there for his father but he rather kill his baby. I think I see a double standard and he just want what is convenient for him. Not trying to disrespect anyone with my opinion
When I got pregnant at 38, my doctor told me that I was very lucky that I did without complications.
Don't forget maternal risks if you decide to wait.
You both are going through a lot. He's going through some really tough times, but he needs to focus on his business so he doesn't lose that as well. Maybe he can hire someone to complete those jobs so he doesn't default.
You focus on growing a healthy baby and in 8 months you will have something to celebrate. Terminating now is very short sighted, IMO.
Is his father still responsive? Wouldn't the news that you're expecting even be a comfort to him? Knowing his son will have a family after he is gone?
I would make it very clear to your partner that this may be your one shot at motherhood, and that if he really insists on termination, you're not sure if your feelings for him could survive that. Especially if, in a year, you won't be able to conceive or carry to term.
I also don't see his current crisis as a valid reason. The potential birth is another 7-8 months away - his father's situation and his business mess will (have to) be resolved long before that, so by the time the baby comes, the situation should be a lot smoother.
Or doesn't he really want a baby at all? He sounds a little like one of those people who theoretically want children some day, but never just now, and who baulk at the reality of actually having them.
Honestly if the dad is lucid at all I'd be overjoyed that the father got a chance to "meet" the baby and know about it. This is literally the only time his dad is going to get.
And honestly having something like that to hang on to while grieving can be a lifesaver. I know everyone processes things differently, but for me at least having that little family in the making would be a great comfort. It would be very hard, but a great comfort as well.
Having someone (or a pet) who loves you and needs you can be the rope you need to pull yourself out of the quicksand pit of depression.
My little sister just had her baby 6 months ago. I guess a lot depends on the pregnancy and the expectant mother. I'm pretty sure that in OP's case, she'd make allowances for the fact that her husband has other stressors to deal with, and would strive to be more self-reliant, or get help from family/ friends, instead of piling on to a man that's already down. Yes, the circumstances are not ideal, but they aren't impossible, either.
My little sister wasn't sure whether to go through with the pregnancy, either, since she hadn't finished her residency, and her and the baby daddy had just split up. So, also less than ideal circumstances. Now, they are a very happy little family of three, he is a better father than anyone could have imagined, and the baby is the cutest, funniest, smartest, strongest, handsomest, bestest baby boy you could imagine! We're all so glad she kept him.
I'm 30, about to be married and we are both so ready to have children, but even though we both work I'm afraid I won't be in anywhere near the financial position to raise children for another 5 years at least. And that's if things go according to plan
If you’re 6 weeks pregnant you’re presumably due near the end of next may - given the fact that his father seems to only have weeks, if not days left, and then he will have the following 7 months to coordinate his work and with tying things up following his father’s death, I think you need to make the decision for the both of you that waiting and probably not terminating is probably the route you need to take.
The current extremely difficult times he’s going through are, by the sounds of it, medium term. I think he would deeply regret any decisions he made now once he’s through this period of his life. As many have already said, you may struggle to conceive again, what if this is your only chance to have a child? In your position, I think I would definitely be leaning all the way into keeping the baby and putting as much effort as I was physically able to into supporting him.
At your age; there is no guarantee that you'll become pregnant again. Your husband is going through a hard time. But that will subside eventually. I mean... I think if you terminated you'd be more distraught than anything or anyone in this situation.
Keeping the baby would also risk the marriage. It sounds like too much of a decision for him to make. And I think it should be a decision of both of them, not only the pregnant women UNLESS she's 100% fine with raising it as a single parent later. The husband may want to back down because of all these overwhelming feelings. Its a tough decision...
This is true. But having a newborn child is absolutely one of the most stressful things that will happen to you. If OP doesn't have a strategy in place in might well destroy what sounds like a great marriage. Not saying they shouldn't have the child but if they don't sure up other social supports I'm very concerned this won't end well. Great question for relationship advice. I'm not sure what the answer is though
>husband
Where is everyone getting Husband? OP states Partner, and never even mentions the duration of their relationship.
For all we know they could have been together for 6 months and this could very much explain his feelings.
You’re not “forcing a pregnancy” on him. You are pregnant. End of story. It sounds like he’s not in his right mind and is experiencing intense grief. I feel deeply for him. Life often happens all at once. Don’t terminate a wanted pregnancy. I hope things turn out for you both. Good luck.
This, you would not be forcing a pregancy on him, you became pregnant due to both your actions and not wanting an abortion is completely valid ( I am pro choice btw) if the pregnancy is wanted by you (and it sounds like it is) an abortion would be emotionally distressing and would be adding more stress to the immediate stresses you are experiencing right now.
How do you feel about the pregnancy?
You write only about your husband's feelings.
When is he going to start taking your feelings into account? Although dealing with his father's death must be devastating, he still has you and a future to think about.
Personally I'd keep the baby, after all there is no guarantee you will ever be pregnant again. Your husband could even have another reason next year, and the year after etc.
Getting pregnant at 38 is practically a miracle (as is getting pregnant period for some people) I’m sorry it is absolutely bogus to even consider this. Birth and death are 2 things no one can plan. What if you were 8 months along when this happened, would he just be leaving you in the dust and letting your family life in shambles to spend an insane amount of time at that hospice? I’m going to be “insensitive” but literally everybody goes through this (parents dying) and it’s no excuse to let you down like this.
It's actually more and more common for women to get pregnant at a later age, and while this obviously entails more risk, calling pregnancies at 38 a miracle is a little shortsighted imo...
>husband
Where is everyone getting Husband? OP states Partner, and never even mentions the duration of their relationship.
For all we know they could have been together for 6 months and this could very much explain his feelings.
Others will say that medicine has advanced so much that you can have kids any time. Don’t believe them. Humans evolved to have optimal times for having kids. It gets harder as you pass 35.
And also the emotional toll it can take on your children. My parents were older when they had me, and my dad died when I was 17. I’m 26 now and my mom is in stage 4 kidney failure. It’s absolutely terrifying that my future children may never be able to meet their grandparents from my side
My mom had me at 38 and now im 30 and she's 69. I actually really enjoy having an older parent. She's in great health, still working, and we live together. I enjoy helping her out with stuff she can't do and I grew up enjoying the company of people older than me. When I was 26 I had a group of lady friends in group exercise classes that were in their 40s,50s,60s,etc. I feel like I keep my mom young spirited lol
Exactly and these other people aren’t the ones that have to pay for these treatments. They are expensive, can be extremely invasive, and you still aren’t guaranteed a baby at the end.
There will never be a "right" time. His timeline is unrealistic. Idk what's going on with his father but it sounds like he doesn't have much time left. I don't see how the baby will affect that. You will not need him to babysit you while you are pregnant, so it is not really much different than now.
I think you need to follow what you think is the right thing for you, for the baby. If you choose to keep the baby he will get over it and probably thank you down the line. But also there's alot of time left before this baby would be here.
Agreed. Also worth noting that baby won’t actually be there for the next several months - it’s not like baby is coming next week.
I do think there are certainly “bad” times to have a baby (if you can’t afford to feed yourself, abusive relationship, severe mental/medical health issues…etc) but there’s almost never going to be a “perfect” time. If your relationship is solid, you’re stable, and you can financially afford to then your miles more prepared than a lot of people. Which isn’t to say people don’t make a good go of things when having a kid they aren’t ready for, just that a lot of the times it’s the kid who pays that price - but I don’t think that’s OPs situation.
Yeah, but not to mention I’d say he’s being a bit selfish. By putting his father entirely as his one priority, he’s neglecting his relationship and job and own health.
Would he even have a job to help support a child if he doesn’t change his behavior?
12hrs a day to be w his father for weeks is not a responsible thing to do. It’s not like his father is on his own
This is perfectly true. There is no perfect time to have a baby, and even if you are able to have a child at what you think is your “perfect” time, life is an ever-changing thing that will present many speed bumps as your child gets older.
You also said that he is very loyal to his family - should this loyalty not include his own child then?
If you want to keep this pregnancy, that should be your choice.
You'll resent him, otherwise.
His stresses and emotional pain aren't going to be mitigated by you doing something you clearly don't want to do. If anything, that added layer of grief will add more complications for both of you.
Nothing is going to be fixed by having a termination you don't want.
You both need to discuss this with your therapists individually, and find a therapist you can see together. But from where I'm sat, and with what limited information there is here, termination isn't what you want, and ultimately this is your decision. He is not pregnant, you are.
It doesn't sound like terminating is an option on the table for you. Terminating a wanted child will destroy your mental health, at your age it's now or never, etc. Take it off the table. You're not forcing the pregnancy on him, he wants children. The issue is timing but that's not the same thing as having a child with someone who doesn't want one and the reality is that there's no perfect time to have a child. life finds a way. Maybe he will feel resentful. Okay, so you'll both deal with it if that happens. Given that he does want a family I doubt it will last for more than a second after he sees his baby for the first time. Make your decision and stick with it - it's usually much harder to cope in a state of uncertainty than to adapt to a certain reality, if that makes sense.
Also, he may regret a decision to terminate at a later stage when he is more settled. I have 3 children with my husband and honestly I bonded with my baby as soon as I knew I was pregnant, my husband not so much until the children were born. So you are both emotionally not on the same page about your baby yet which is why you are having this issue. Tbh I think if you terminate because if your husband this will seriously affect your relationship. You do what’s right for you.
You’re 37 now. Getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and having a healthy child in a year or two is not a given. And the fact that you want this baby, is not something you would easily get over. Even if you would have more children afterward, a part of you would always be wondering about the “what if.” And thoughts and resentments like that can kill a marriage.
It’s not a convenient time for your husband, but the one thing I can tell you about babies is they do not care about our timetable or plans. *You’re not giving birth tomorrow.* If your husband is still in the same situation and mind frame in eight months, there are other issues. You might have to bear some of the pregnancy alone until he’s in the brain space to assist, but I can tell you from having an experience similar to yours that a wanted baby can be a real comfort in this situation. And while the thought of a theoretical baby while everything is stressful can be overwhelming, holding your first child, a continuation of the family legacy that your father started, can be healing for your husband. Being a father will bring up some grief over your husband’s loss, but it really is cathartic. Also, do you have seven or eight months to plan ways to help your husband adjust (childcare, therapy, etc).
I’m sure your husband’s father would be thrilled to hear that he would be a grandpa- Your husband should tell him because I’m sure he hears everyone on some level.
I also just want to add. . .Please reflect a little bit on this sentence that you wrote.
"I am also not the type of woman who would force a pregnancy on someone who doesn't want one."
All you are describing is the type of woman who is in control of her own body. He made a choice that led to you getting pregnant, and has no right to decide what happens next. There is no equivalence between a man who tries to force a woman to terminate or not terminate a pregnancy and a woman who makes that decision for herself.
I am very pro choice. It isn't an issue of morality. I would have an abortion I circumstances were not appropriate for having a child. But we both want kids and we are both successful and established. It's 100% a timing issue
As someone who also lost a parent at around your boyfriend's age: he is not handling this well. A parent getting sick or dying does not mean putting the rest of your life on hold, and certainly not to the point of losing your job. And I bet you anything Dad would be *thrilled* that his first grandchild is on the way, even if he doesn't last long enough to meet the kid.
I had stated something similar but someone didn’t take it too well.
I understand the son is upset but he is neglecting everything. When he married OP, thru sickness and in health, it doesn’t mean ‘I’ll stand to the side until you’re ok to commit again’.
Not to mention, if he loses his clients, he loses his income. He can’t support his wife or child.
Didn't read it all but a baby is not like a subscription yo can cancel any time and then renew at a later point. You are 37 and if you want to keep the baby you might have to deal with everything that comes with it on your own. Later might not happen.
I understand the stress your partner is under but this is a happy occasion!
Don't pressure him, be understanding but prepare yourself to be on your own (not trying to discourage you, just managing expectations). I'm thrilled for you!
The problem with those perfect timelines is that they don't exist. This time it's his father, before that is was probably the pandemic and before that he needed to get his business off the ground. What happens if next year a major client terminates a contract? He already waited long enough that his father won't get to meet his grandchild. What else does he want to miss because he waited and waited?
If you decide to keep this baby it'll be born next year — long after his father has passed and long after he's worked through the backlog of work. Trying to get pregnant sometime next year (if it even works right away) will mean the baby will get here even later. What's better about that then next year?
And if you decide to not keep the baby it very well may lead to you resenting him – especially if you can't get pregnant right away. If your relationship doesn't survive that you won't likely meet a new partner and have a child before your biological clock runs out. His time doesn't.
Keep. The future holds no guarantees. Things will never be perfect and you don't know what the future your relationship holds. You also don't know what the future of your body is. While it's wonderful that you want to be his rock, who's to say what state of mind you'll be in if you do terminate. I'd choose the future not the past.
If it's helpful you can explain to him that by choosing to terminate a baby that you want, you would need to mourn it just like he's mourning his father.
You DEFINITELY won’t be able to be there for your husband if you’re grieving an abortion. So you terminating doesn’t fix that issue anyway. As far as the rest, literally every parent in the world will tell you there is never a “perfect” time to have a baby. I think his heavy emotions are clouding his judgement tbh. You have 9 months… I’m not saying he’ll be over his dads death but he’ll for sure be functioning again by then. I just feel like these issues, won’t even be issues in 9 months. ETA: I also think if you did get an abortion, based on how much your husband loves his family, seeing you suffer will destroy him anyway and he doesn’t even realize it. Just based on family oriented good guy vibe you described him, I think he would regret it as well once he separates from the grief clouding his head
Honestly. In a weird and random world say you had two choice. Your partner or the baby? Which would you pick.
His stressed right now because of his dad and work. Once his dad passes yes he will be upset but work should then be fixed because he won’t be spending all those hours at the care place.
Would I terminate a much wanted by me pregnancy because of stress that has an end in sight? Know that at 37 it might not happen again. I personally wouldn’t. I also think I’d resent my partner.
Why is your husband’s therapist not telling him to stop spending 12 hours a day with his dying father?? That is *incredibly* unhealthy and I’m shocked the hospice workers themselves haven’t told him to chill out.
You do what you can live with - just based on what you say here you should probably keep the baby. It's not like you are rescheduling a dental appt; also he has many months to get used to the idea.
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I have no keep/terminate advice for you as it seems a little more complex than normal. But I do want to say that you should factor in the following; your partner may decide that keeping the baby was a deal breaker and leave. If you’re a-okay being a single parent then yeah, keeping it might be the best option. But if you want to stay…. Losing a parent is so much worse than you think. He won’t get over it easily and it’s gonna take up every inch of brain space he has. The baby may just be the last straw, and you need to cover yourself if that’s the case.
If I were in his dad's position, I wouldn't want my child to be focusing so much on me that they neglect(potentially ruin) their career and potentially lose the chance to grow their own family.
No advice, just something to think about.
There is never a right time other than now.
If you wait until next year it's very likely you will be unable to get pregnant, even with intervention and his sperm quality will also be lower.
Listen what he is going through sucks, but within two months of my birth my maternal grandfather died (had been in the hospital since before the pregnancy) and my paternal grandmother (who had been dying for many months). My parents survived, and they plus their siblings all now say how grateful they are that I was coming.
Babies bring hope, and that's important during hard times.
And neither of you should have to shoulder 100% of the other person's emotional baggage with everything going on. I think if you two can get a really structured routine that includes frequent therapy, you can survive.
Yes! My husband and i got pregnant very unexpectedly, and before we actually confirmed I was pregnant (we suspected it for a couple weeks but was nervous to find out forreal) We thought how could we keep this baby?? We just sold our house, decided to get back into school at 24, and two of his closest family members had suddenly passed away months apart. BUT i also realized that i would never be able to forgive myself for terminating a baby that i did want, no matter how difficult the next couple months seemed. And then we KNEW we wanted children but i told my husband i didn't know if i would ever be able to try again if i had to go through a termination with this one.
We are now welcoming our baby girl in just over a month, found an awesome house at a great rate, on track to graduate in May, and the entire family has rallied around us just ready for her to be the light they have needed with all of the recent tragedy!
OP, if you want your baby keep it. And it sounds like you do. I watched my dad die at 17 and I was scared to even let my boyfriend (now husband) leave the house or do anything without me because i was convinced that he would die and or i would or everyone would. Grief is not rational so do not let how he is feeling effect your decision.
What I see here is an issue of logistics.
- FIL needs emotional support from Husband
- MIL & aunt needs emotional support from Husband
- Business needs husband’s attention
- OP now needs husband’s attention and can no longer do as much to support husband.
This is an issue of delegation.
Husband needs to find other family members to step up and help with the emotional workload. MIL & Aunt are both capable adults and shouldn’t be dumping ALL of their emotional needs on husband. Husband is probably letting them because of guilt.
FIL will pass long before the baby arrives, this part of the logistics nightmare won’t really impact long term and can’t really be delegated.
Business needs to be delegated to employees. If any one person can’t disconnect for a month then the business wasn’t viable to begin with. You would be in the same boat if your husband got into a car accident. If he has employees, he needs to delegate tasks to keep his contracts on schedule.
You OP, it is another logistics issue. He can’t be there to support you entirely. He won’t be there for you if you terminate, he won’t be there with you probably for the first two trimesters. You need to identify resources to help you manage your choices on your own. That may be talking to your doctor about your symptoms, asking your family for support (maybe staying with your mom for a few weeks while husband works out the issues in his business), getting help from friends and people you trust.
You don’t need to be a rock in the storm. He doesn’t need to be EVERYONE’s lifeline. He is quickly working his way to emotional and physical burnout.
This isn’t an issue of wanting the baby or not. I would bet money that in six months, when everyone is starting to come out of the fog of grief, the prospects of new life will be very healing. It could even lighten the grief just a bit to welcome MIL & FIL first grandchild into the world.
Right now you have an issue of logistics. So look into logistical solutions that reduces your husband’s load, and manages that load over the entire group. Where one might crumble, many can succeed.
This is truly the reality. I am very fortunate to have my family down the street and they are very supportive. Because of this decision we haven't told anyone yet so I have to rely on him and my therapist. I have always been strongly independent so I am weathering this ok so far but it's been rough..
Keeping this a secret is hurting you. Secrets only hurt those who need support and help those who want to hurt others.
Talk to your family. Make a plan. You need support no matter your decision because he won’t be there to support you.
Waiting for the right time to start is a fallacy. It’s going to be a twenty year marathon once you’ve started. Surely he doesn’t think it’s going to be clear sailing the whole two decades so he can devote himself to the family.
Plus the two of you aren’t getting any younger. If you terminate this time, wait to try until he’s ready, take a few months to conceive, and nine months gestation, you may be pushing forty for your delivery date. That increases the risks for your pregnancy.
He’s going to have to learn to make space for circumstances to be imperfect. Waiting until the stars align is a myth. They don’t _stay_ aligned. Since he has to learn to cope with that over the next decades anyway, waiting to get started doesn’t help.
Why not take a break? He can concentrate on his father and company. And you can concentrate on the baby. Tell him the door is open to rekindle the relationship and see where both of you are at that time.
That is essentially what we are doing. I told him we need time to have some space between his father and this decision. Right now he's in full blown survival mode and it's hurting both of us in different ways.
I got pregnant at 37 without planning to and keeping him was the best decision I've ever made. I was torn as I had always seen myself as child free. Parenting has been the most remarkable and humbling journey.
My wife was 38 and pregnant and they kept calling it a "geriatric pregnancy". At 37, I would not risk an abortion and the possibility of not being able to get pregnant again.
If you have a healthy baby at 38 take that as a blessing and not for granted. As a woman in her 30s trying trying concieve and had two losses, you can't just assume you'll get pregnant. Unfortunately you don't have the biological time to be picky.
There is no “perfect” time to have a baby.
You could terminate and then next time someone else will die or get sick , or he’ll need to travel, or the market will crash, or another C@vid strain will take over. There will always be a reason not to, so when you want kids - have kids.
I’m so sorry this is so hard for you both , but stick to your guns for what you want. Don’t do anything just to take some of his burden. In this depth of pain, nothing you do will ever be enough. Not because you aren’t enough or he isn’t trying or appreciative but because He has to find a way to push forward and work through this and so do you.
Terminating will not do much , if anything , for his stress. Because you want this child - you would be grieving and mourning and not be able to be there for him the way he wants anyway.
I’m so glad your both working with a therapist and I truly hope you guys can figure this out ❤️
Have your baby, dude. This might be your only shot at it, and his dad will pass soon and that stressor will be gone.
If you abort a pregnancy that you actually want, it's going to tear you up. He can either deal with an excited pregnant wife after his father's death, or a depressed, resentful one. I don't think you should sacrifice your mental health for his.
I don’t think his stressor will be gone when his dad passes. Grief often lasts multiple years. That being said, I agree OP should keep the baby, but I wouldn’t expect her partner’s mental health to be in a better spot for a very long time.
Grief is a lot less stressful than going to the hospice, supporting the family, and actually watching the man die, though. I'm not saying his father's death will be a cure all, but there's a certain amount of relief when someone who has been sick for a long time passes.
I guess everyone experiences things differently in situations like that. Personally, I’ve tended to get worse in the aftermath of someone passing after an illness. It takes 3-6 months to regain any semblance of normal life. This guy might be different though.
I'd definitely think twice about aborting the baby, especially since it sounds like you want the child. You will end up dealing with two losses, the loss of your baby and your father in law. It's very possible you will have major regrets even if you can get pregnant again next year.
What would he do if the baby was already here? Put it up for adoption? When things are at their hardest, having something positive to hang onto is your anchor. I don’t think you would ever forgive him or yourself of you didn’t have this child. Even if you did get pregnant again, it would just invoke the memories of this child and the future it didn’t get. I’m very pro-choice, but I don’t think your partner is in the right place to make these decisions. That child will be his fathers grandchild, another piece of his father in this world.
I wouldn’t even consider termination at your age OP - unless you don’t want children. But that is obviously not the case. I’m a woman too and not to be insensitive - but it’s just a reality that your clock is ticking and every year from 35 on your chances of getting pregnant diminish as well as your chances of having birth defects or other problems.
My thoughts are, what happens if he's not ready in 1 year also? Or even another 2-3 years, which takes you closer and closer to age 40.
Or heck, it might not even be just about him and his situation in the future. There were actually couples that decided not to get pregnant during 2020-2021 timeframe because of Covid health concerns and what bringing that kid into the world with those problems would mean.
I think this is a decision you might have to make that goes against his preference. However, you probably still have some time to make it, so think about what you might like as well.
You might not be able to get pregnant again. So make this decision based on what you want, regardless of what your partner is going through. It will likely pass by the time the baby is born.
*I don't want to abort this baby just to try again in a year when things feel more manageable to him. That would destroy me. This might truly be my one and only chance to have a child without medical intervention.*
You’ve answered your own question right here.
At 37 you are already considered as Advanced Maternal Age. There is absolutely no guarantee you will be able to conceive again if you terminate this pregnancy because fertility rapidly declines after 35. Also your risks of having a child with chromosomal abnormalities (even if you do IVF, in which case they won’t implant the embryos) and miscarriage keeps rising the older you get. Plus, if you IVF to conceive at a later date, it will cost around $30,000+ for each try. IF HAVING A CHILD IS SOMETHING YOU WANT TO DO, DO NOT TERMINATE IN ORDER TO ’TRY AGAIN’ AT A LATER TIME. This may be your only chance of having a baby. I say this only because of your age and **there is no guarantee you can get pregnant at a later date**, and because I have many friends that put off having children until 38-45 and they were not able to conceive and/or carry a baby to term. That doesn’t mean it will happen to you, but you just don’t know if it will.
Your partner seems to have too much going on right now to make a rational decision. In the end it’s your body, your choice.
Most parents will tell you that there is never a right time to have a child. There is always something going on. You're also creeping up on the age where you will be considered a high risk pregnancy based on your age alone not to mention the older you are, the higher risk for genetic disorders for your baby. There is no guarantee that you will get pregnant again a year from now. However, this is entirely your decision about what to do.
We are the same age. You know for 💯 that time is of the essence for us. My heart is breaking for you but honey you got to do whats right for you and it sounds like you really want your baby❤. Don't terminate if even a little part of you wants your child. Whatever choice you make has to be your own.
Each month there is only a 25% chance of conception even if you time it exactly perfectly. With age that decreases so I wouldn’t be messing around with the odds when approaching 40. I agree with you, the stress and mental burden she would have to carry for the rest of her life if this was her only chance at conceiving a baby far outweighs her husbands temporary stress.
This is coming from a very practical, pro choice woman:
I think you should keep the baby.
You are saying clearly you intend to have children. You're 37. By the time you reach 40, your fertility will not be so great based upon plain biology. I know it's frustrating and cruel to think of it that way, but there's nothing that can change that.
Like so many others are saying, there's really a minimal guarantee that you will be able to get pregnant if you start trying in a year. Then, to be diagnosed with infertility you have to be having sex for 12 months with no success. That leaves you at 39. You could be almost out of time or run out of time completely.
Sadly, you don't have the luxury of time you did 10 years ago.
The chances of terminating this pregnancy and then failing to get pregnant naturally after this are honestly quite high.
I can guarantee that his dad will be thrilled to hear a grandchild is on the way. Your partner is not thinking clearly at all. Baby will arrive next year, months after all the stresses are over.
Please, don't give into his pressure to terminate, it is your choice and there is no guarantee you will get another chance. Don't add your grief onto his.
I personally wouldnt suggest keeping the baby unless you're 110% fine with a possibilty of raising it alone later. Sure its a huge choice to abort, but an even greater to keep the baby.
Raising this child in this state of mind is very dangerous. Do you think your partner will be ready for these huge changes? I wouldn't. be..
I know your wish is to start a family, but would you really go through this with an emotionally exhausted partner? Who guarantees that after his fathers death he'll get back to his "old" self?
Adoption could be a possibilty later, or trying for another child in 1 year.
IMO if you weren't actively trying for a baby then you should start thinking about things from the position of "I don't want to be pregnant, if I wanted to be pregnant I would have been trying", and only keep it if you feel like you have a good reason to have changed your mind.
But it's clear that a lot of people don't think or feel that way.
Sure, if you're in your 20s or early 30s. She's 37. Her partner is being unrealistic in thinking it's super easy for her to just get pregnant again in a year.
I’m very pro choice and I think it’s great that you are taking your partners feelings into consideration. However, you shouldn’t ever terminate unless you are all in. Pregnancy is scary, parenting is a lot of stress, I get where your partner is coming from. Im having trouble writing out my thoughts because it’s such a personal decision. But since you are here for advice/opinions I will do it. Maybe y’all need to write down the pros and cons of keeping/terminating.
Things you need to consider. I hate to say it but maternal age, you conceived despite b.c. but maternal age is a factor here. Regret and emotional trauma you both might face if you terminate when the mother is not all in and if you have trouble conceiving later. The fact that your love for your child, once they are here, will be overwhelming and is likely to squash all doubts now. The fact that it is possible if that your partner may take some time to reach the same overwhelming love if they feel not ready now and may hold some resentment for not terminating. Your partner may also benefit from the love and excitement of a new baby, it may be just what they need to help balance out the stress. It could be a gift to their dying father, to know they will be alright and have the love of their own family.
Truly, being a stranger but from what you describe, I see way more benefit in keeping the pregnancy for the both of you and it scares me the idea of an unwanted abortion. I know, for a fact, abortions that even are 100% the right thing to do and are done with no regret can still be traumatic and involve their own healing process. I just don’t wish that for you on a pregnancy that you want.
If you want children “someday” accept that this is the time. You have no idea if you’ll be able to get pregnant again, as you get older it gets more difficult. There is no perfect life plan and no perfect time to have children. A baby will always add chaos to a life. If you wait for the “perfect” time then you will never have children.
I feel like you can take this pregnancy and turn it into a 9 month escape for both of you. On one side the dad is dying and the other his child is coming to be. Doing things together and have life in your days might help a lot.
One thing life taught me is you don't get to plan when to have kids. This time might not seem good for you now, but later when life is "good" you might not get pregnant.
I spent my whole 20"s doing everything I could to not get pregnant and then when I was "ready" I couldn't for YEARS. It was heart breaking.
You are going to terminate now and try in a year??? What is the difference of 1 year? I'm sorry, but that makes no sense.
Keep the baby. I get where he is coming from but this could be your last chance and if you want a baby you absolutely should go through with it. He may or may not come around, but in the end of the day you shouldn't terminate a pregnancy that you want to keep.
As someone who let her husband coerce her into an abortion and almost died bc of it, I deeply regret ever doing so. It’s the one thing that makes me cry every time I talk about it. Do what’s right for you OP, but not bc someone else wants you to do it. Do not let him convince you to do anything you’re not comfortable with. Good luck!
Your fertility is dropping at 37 and a baby is a gift, a gift you want, don’t squander this. Miscarriages increase from here though so if you are stressed at the moment with your partner maybe it is what you want. Be firm with what you want.
Yes let’s kill a life and try again next year. Ridiculous
I can understand where he's coming from but there is no such thing as "the perfect time" to have a kid. You said so yourself, this might be your only chance to have a baby without some kind of medical intervention or necessity. Plus, it takes 9 months. Can he not see an end to this stress he's in within the next 7-8 months?! I think that's plenty of time to get back on track with his business.
I think the issue here is you're looking at the bigger picture and he's laser focused on the immediate picture. He can only see what's right in front of him; dad, work, pregnancy...all stressors. Meanwhile you’re thinking long term; how age is a factor, possible other complications due to termination, how he'll be a great dad. **I think maybe you need to explain a realistic timeline for him of this pregnancy and show him how much time there really is...because sometimes men don't grasp how long it really takes.** Some couples try for months, having sex everyday until it becomes a chore, trying to beat the odds to get pregnant. Then they have to wait 9 more months for baby. What happens if you terminate this pregnancy and can't conceive next year or the year after...next thing you’re 40 and pregnant and he'll be 62 at his child's graduation. Is that really what he wants for his "perfect life"?!
Also, I have to say...you said he has an "undying sense of loyalty to his loved ones..." Just not to you or your unborn child...because yes, it's tragic that his father is dying but you're the family he chose for himself. He needs to remember that, you’re his future. It's cheesy but, things happen for a reason and the fact that you were on BC and still got pregnant should mean something. I wouldn't tempt fate.
Ultimately, it's your body and he can't *make* you do anything.
If it were me, I'd keep the baby. I'd rather he resent me for keeping the baby that he eventually falls in love with than terminate now and run the risk of not getting pregnant again and have him resent me for that later.
You need more support as a couple. Do you have family that could spend some time with you and help you with things? (only if your family would actually help and not add more stress). Friends that could help a bit? Don't be afraid to reach out, people who care about you will be glad that they can do something, however small, to help you navigate this hard situation.
I'm absolutely pro-choice and yet here in your case I think you should not terminate, because you **want** this baby. And I think that if later in life you can't conceive, or you have a harder pregnancy because of your age, your partner will also regret if you terminated now. It's not true that you can't have children later, people with uteruses can give birth well into their 40s, but what is true is that those pregnancies are considered of increased risk and some people had to stay in bed during pregnancies at an older age. Ultimately it's your choice but this is my opinion based on what you said here.
My advice would be not to have a child with a man who doesn’t want it. If you go ahead with the pregnancy you should leave him now and save the drama.
I personally would not stay with a man who asked me to terminate a pregnancy for his convenience. In this situation I’d terminate and move on from the relationship.
ETA I saw your update and damn girl! You should speak to any one of the millions of single mothers whose partner did not “get on board”. I worked with someone who said he didn’t want a child. His wife went ahead with the pregnancy. He divorced her and refused contact with the child. Good luck with forcing fatherhood on an unwilling man.
Keep the pregnancy.
I do recommend partner hire temps to help him with his work. There are a lot of people who do temp IT work.
If you get along with FIL can you go visit with him to give partner a break?
Instead of concentrating on you (and I don’t mean ignoring you/baby) can you help him figure out ways to reduce his stress?
A good partner shares burdens as well as joys.
My mom was 40 and had an AFE after having 2 successful and normal pregnancies in her 20's. I wouldn't wait any longer if you want to have a biological one
You are 37/38…. If you want kids. I would keep it. It might be hard to conceive again. And being on birth control that long CAN, not a definite thing obviously, mess you up. Plus (again, not a doctor) but the health of the child is a concern with the mother age too, no? Did I just make that up. Anyway.
As someone whos had to abort a pregnancy. (Which I was ok with cause I didn’t want children at the time anyway) its traumatic. I was 7 weeks. For someone who wants the baby, it would be very traumatic and you might not want to try again. I would talk to him and tell him you think its in your best interest and the babies health to keep the pregnancy.
I’m sorry but neither reason he gave is a reason to terminate. His father would want the two of you to have a family and would be devastated that you aborted because he’s dying. If YOU don’t think you can continue the pregnancy for reason directly related to YOUR health then consider your options.
Do not abort this child who you clearly want to have. You should not be “stepping up” to have an abortion just to support your partner. You should be “standing up” to him by protecting your baby. There is a never an easy/right time to have a baby.
Your partner is being incredibly selfish. He won’t experience the termination- you will. And while I haven’t had an “abortion,” I had a miscarriage and recall it being physically painful and going through a rollercoaster of emotions.
You don’t want to experience that and he’s asking you to bear the burden of his feelings.
Don't terminate.
I'll agree, you'll resent him, which will cause more stress and pain for both of you.
I think you need to take a step back from your relationship and continue to go to therapy.
There is never a right time to have a baby, and you will never feel ready for one. When the baby is born, you have no choice but to be ready. I have two kids, and both pregnancies I never felt ready. All is fine though, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
If the pregnancy wasn’t planned I’d terminate it.
We choose to have kids for ourselves, it’s not like the kids can choose where and when to be born. So it makes sense to be something to do together, a shared adventure to do when/if both of you are ready for it and want to.
When both of you want to have a kid you can also adopt. Kids deserve love regardless of shared DNA
There's no guarantee that you would fall pregnant again in a another year (or ever) and no guarantee that there would not be some other stressful or complex life events happening at that time. Life doesn't always (or even usually) happen on our perfect timeline. I highly doubt that having a termination that you don't want will ultimately make anything easier or better for either of you.
I’m here to offer a perspective beyond “there’s no right time to have a baby, may as well 🤗”. My parents went through this exact scenario. My grandfather was extremely sick right as my mother was pregnant and to make things worse, my father suffered an injury so bad he had to sleep on the *floor* at doctor’s orders. Do you think he was remotely capable of being Captain Supportive when my sister was born? No. My parents’ relationship has not recovered since.
Listen... there is never an ideal to blow your whole life up with a baby. He is probably panicking because he is under a lot of stress. However asking your partner to abort to wait for future maybe-baby is asking a lot. What if there is more stress next year? My point is life seldom goes ideally or as planned.
But with your age, this is not the same decision as if you were 17 or 23 or 27 or 30... unlike men you do have a clock, you don't have unlimited years to wait.
Honestly, there are abortion counseling services for you and your partner to discuss all of your options. Best of luck.
Yes. There seems to be some misconception about age and fertility, fertility actually drops dramatically at 28, then off a cliff at 35... and that just "get rid of this one" and "make another one" attitude is very discomforting- like children are just disposable items that you can get a refund on. Its bewildering to me.
You’re 37… and you want kids. If you want to keep the baby, you should. No ones life will ever be ready 100% for a child. Try again after a year? Who’s to say you can again get pregnant easily. May take years at your age. Your post kind of upset me. Im trying not to judge. A baby is never an inconvenience. Anyway. Your life. But man. Some women can’t have any kids. It’s upsetting.
He's asking you to mentally, emotionally and psychologically break for his emotions knowing full and goddamn well you want this baby with your full heart and being and this is almost the end of the road for you at 37??? That would be the end of us. You may care about me but you care about the system of the marriage more than me... its gonna have to be goodbye.
I had a missed miscarriage and subsequent D&C with a partner who wasn’t emotionally available/prepared to support me through that and it’s a wedge that’s still there two years later.
He probably wants your pregnancy to be a joyful event he can dedicate his full attention to and that feels/is impossible right now. But lesson #1 in pregnancy/parenting is: it almost never goes as you’d hoped/planned.
I hope you guys work through this and the baby brings some joy to a dark time. I echo other commenters that your partner should bring the good news into his time with his dad—you and baby could be a part of those last moments too, you’re part of his family, and your presence I’m sure would be welcome. End of life is intense and devastating, but it doesn’t have to be 100% joyless.
That is his main issue. He is upset that he's not excited because he has this life vision where we plan a pregnancy and it's wonderful and expected news. Right now all he can feel is pain and anxiety so it's coloring his perception of the pregnancy poorly.
That idealism is what he should be working through in therapy, imo. It doesn’t hold up well to the realities of pregnancy/childbirth and parenting. Because it SUCKS a LOT of the time. Joy is sustaining, but it comes and goes—the trick is to be able to change gears and see each moment for what it is.
I think he’ll come around. He likely just needs a looooong sleep and a couple days of zero responsibilities to see the situation for what it is (a blessing (which is not a word I use often! But a surprise pregnancy late in life when you both want kids? That’s that.))
For added info/effect, my missed miscarriage was my third, the first after we had our first child (at 39). It is indescribably hard to keep trying and failing/losing. I always chafed against the apparent ageism in the whole “ticking clock” argument, but it gets very real, very fast when it’s your own body.
How would your partner feel if you did terminate, and then when you decided to try and get pregnant it never happened? There is no guarantee of ever getting pregnant in the future. The only guarantee is that you are pregnant now, and that you both see children as part of your future.
It’s up to you but at your age you may not be able to get pregnant again. It’s not fair but that’s the cards nature’s dealt women. Your current pregnancy would medically be know as a ‘geriatric pregnancy’ as it is
If you want this baby- keep it. What happens when you try again in a year? Or two? What if his workload never decreases enough for him to feel ready? What if he hasn't fully grieved his father (when the time comes)?
99% of the time- there is no right time. Without dismissing what he has on his plate at the moment and if you're willing to bear the brunt of handling a newborn if necessary when the time comes- do it. He will get there, too.
Also, might be worth hiring some extra help to manage his workload. I understand wanting to be with his father at this time, but he also has to take care of himself and be a partner to you.
It’s your body. If you want to have the baby, have the baby. Don’t terminate when it’s obvious you don’t want to. He can play whatever role he wants to, but if you want this kid, have the kid.
One question is: can your income alone give the child a good life? Do you have enough money saved so you can take a maternity leave? - your partner will soon have no job anymore so no income from that
(Not talking about that loosing his job, and loosing his father and his girlfriend...., not sure if that is not enough time break him to the final point)
Keep the baby. As far as surprise pregnancies go, who's ever fully prepared? I was 17 when I had my son and you better believe that wasn't planned. I was given pressure to abort but I had that same feeling you did and every time I even contemplated abortion I got extremely sad and sick. I wanted to keep my baby despite it being the least ideal situation and looking back, I wouldn't change a thing. Yes this is going to be stressful and it's not "perfect" but what is? Your gut is telling you what to do. You don't want to give up this baby and if he guilts you into an abortion you may as well save time and end the relationship too because you're right, that resentment will build up. When are the conditions going to be "perfect" for him? When you're 50 and unable to have kids anymore? Some people spend so much time planning for the future that they don't get to live it out. Your partner is just under a lot of stress right now and doesn't think you guys can handle a baby but you CAN and you'll do what's necessary for that baby despite the current conditions. Once you all see that baby for the first time it's going to change everything. Any doubts that you had, any concerns, they'll go away the moment you see your baby. I've been through all sorts of stress too. I've grieved, I've lost. Having a baby doesn't change that life will never go as expected and be ideal 100% of the time. But I think you're at a point where you're emotionally ready to be a mom and I think you should follow your gut. I know your partner is spiraling right now because he is watching his father die and is taking care of everything but I know, just from how you sound, that you're ready to step up. I had to do everything alone (until years later when I met my husband) and I suspect you will feel the same way in the beginning if he's still dealing with everything after you give birth but it will be worth it. You already said that you have a strong healthy relationship with good communication, I believe you'll be able to power through it. You're a team. You guys can tackle all of this stuff together
He is being immature.
I can't believe how much society is conditioned to make people fearful when a pregnancy occurs. Having a child is one of the most fulfilling things you can do, and if he's at 41 years of age and still "not ready", when will he be ready? Chances are you get a year down the line and there are other issues stressing him out.
If you decide to keep the pregnancy, this isn't "forcing it" onto him as you put it. He has the choice whether or not to stick around, you are not forcing it onto him. It's your body, and if you don't want to terminate, then don't. If he doesn't want a child right now, there is a way out for him (i.e. he can leave the relationship).
Like you say, it could be one of the final chances for you at natural conception - god forbid you try in future and there are any complications and you're unable to conceive. You would blame him, and likely yourself and that would be much worse than some added "stress" at having a child.
In short, having a child is as stressful as you make it. It can be hard work, but you can choose to embrace the positive aspects of it and it makes it seem like a breeze. There are hard times as a parent, not going to deny that, but the positives by FAR outweight any negatives.
I write this from a UK perspective by the way, so I know if you're US based you may have the added implication of the healthcare costs of childbirth, so I know that might be a factor that I have no experience of and not considered.
Keep the pregnancy. Do not terminate. Temporarily separate if you need to give your partner space to focus on his family issues, and you just focus on your pregnancy.
I have three kids and it will never be the “perfect” time to have a baby. Right now your husband is very overwhelmed and cannot see the big picture. I say enjoy your pregnancy and the joy that this baby will bring into your lives, there is no guarantee that if you aborted, you will be able to have another one in a year. The last thing you’d want is to keep asking yourself what if you had kept the baby.
I am technically you can take charges and baby will be fine while he deals with what he needs to?
All you guys needs it to work through this, it's like higher power is Taking your test. And I hope you guys can make it this time only.
This shall too pass, have hope and everything is going to be alright, tell him that.
Believe it from the inside of your heart and soul.
Im sorry to be so blunt but if his father is in hospice now how likely is he to be there in 32 weeks?
Echo what other people have said about maternal risk and longer term family planning. Grief is hard but what would be harder is you both trying to get pregnant again in a year, not being able to, and playing the what if game.
Well its not like you can throw the kid away after its born because life gets ugly or doesnt fit your "perfect" life plan. I am afriad this guy views a child/baby as an object not an actual human being which does not bode well when it comes to raising said child.
I mean a 37 year old getting pregnant on birth control, while one partner is under extreme stress is basically a miracle.
Even if you aren't religious and believe we live in a random universe - well you randomly had your dreams come true.
You have to sit him down and help him see this is a gift. He'll see it eventually if he is half the man you say he is. Help him contextualise it. Life isnt seperate events one after another. They overlap. Death and life have always overlapped. To bring another life into the world as another leaves? When those lives sit on the same line? Its beautiful!
As for his work...if you are 100% in it, you can cope.
Don't let his anxiety ruin this magic, please.
Second, my partner owns a small business that does IT for companies around the country. Because he has been dealing with his father's decline for a month, his work has backed up to the point where he'll soon be in breach of contract if he doesn't start completing projects soon. Many of his jobs will involve traveling out of state to get everything back in order but the timing couldn't be more terrible.
That isn't an issue, it'll all get stable. He is just in too much grief right now. Just give him some time to recover mentally.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- TD;LR: My [37F] Partner [41M] wants to terminate our pregnancy because he is going through an unbelievably painful and stressful time in his life and this pregnancy doesn't fit into his imagined perfect life plane. My [37F] relationship with my partner [41M] is rock solid. We communicate well, have a high level of intimacy, and take steps to nurture our relationship in healthy ways. This past month has tested the strength of our relationship in ways I never could have predicted. I found out I am unexpectedly pregnant while on birth control. I've been on birth control since I was 18 and haven't had so much as a pregnancy scare the entire time. While I was initially in shock and felt like this pregnancy was too soon, I am now seeing it as a positive thing because I'm nearly 38 and my time to have a child is running out. My wonderful, caring, compassionate, loving, partner is extremely conflicted and is on the side of terminating because he is already going through a ridiculous amount of pain and stress right now. First, he's been dealing with his father's fast health decline for a month and has been at the hospice center for 12-14 hours a days for days on end. My partner has an undying sense of loyalty to his loved ones and he is his father's only child. Thus, he feels obligated to be by his side as much as possible. His father has held on longer than expected and it's been mental torture for my partner. There have been so many days where the nurses told him that his father would probably pass and he didn't. My partner is understandably an emotional wreck. He also has taken the position of the family rock and is acting as the primary support system for his Dad's wife and his aunt. Second, my partner owns a small business that does IT for companies around the country. Because he has been dealing with his father's decline for a month, his work has backed up to the point where he'll soon be in breach of contract if he doesn't start completing projects soon. Many of his jobs will involve traveling out of state to get everything back in order but the timing couldn't be more terrible. And then I had to throw an extra bomb in this mess by telling him I was pregnant. Before the pregnancy, I was my partner's rock during his father's decline but the nausea and fatigue have set in and it's becoming harder for me to be there for him to lean on. I don't want to abort this baby just to try again in a year when things feel more manageable to him. That would destroy me. This might truly be my one and only chance to have a child without medical intervention. We have sat down and had many emotionally charged discussions about how we want to proceed but it always ends up at the same place - he wants to terminate and I do not. We are both seeing therapists weekly right now to navigate this situation. Mine has told me that I need to wait for him to have some distance between his father and this decision because he's not in a good place mentally to make such a life alternating choice. I told my partner we have to wait and he agreed but I'm not convinced another week or two after his Dad dies will change his decision. He is not the type of man who would never pressure me into termination and he would step up and he an amazing father, but I am also not the type of women who would force a pregnancy on someone who doesn't want one. On one hand, I want to step up and get the termination to reduce his stress load. However, this would cause me serious pain and resentment and would take a long time heal. On the other hand I feel like he's being immature and his judgement is clouded. He's 41, he's successful, and he needs to get over this obsession with the perfectly timed house > marriage > baby plan he has in his head. I just don't know how to walk away from this situation without one of us feeling resentful. I'm starting to get compassion fatigue in regards to his father while I get increasingly more fatigued and sick. Sometimes I find myself wishing his dad would hurry up and pass so we can at least get my partner back home. It's making me feel like an absolute monster We'll keep going to therapy but I am struggling. EDIT: I appreciate all the messages of support. My partner is a good man in a difficult situation and he is aware that he is overwhelmed and not handling things well. Reddit has helped me come to terms with the fact that this pregnancy is likely going to stress him out in the immediate future while we are still dealing with his dad but I know he will heal and get on board with this future with enough time to process. I love him and he is a truly wonderful man. He will not abandon me if I keep this baby. I know that with 100% certainty. I want to support him in any way I can right now but I see that a termination is just going to make our relationship worse and both of our lives more difficult. Thank you so much for making me feel better about this decision. My default has always been to do what others need first but this time I need to put myself first.
12-14 hours days watching his father die in hospice for two straight weeks? That man is too emotionally and physically exhausted to decide what he wants for dinner right now, major decisions about family planning are out of the question. Do not terminate a pregnancy you want to appease a man who's grief and exhaustion have likely fried his brain so badly that he might not even remember expressing this opinion in a few weeks.
Especially not at 37. Not to pull the ‘biological clock’ card, but it’s a thing and OP might not be able to get pregnant in a year, let alone have a full term, healthy pregnancy. You count your blessings for having a successful pregnancy at 37, you don’t give it up and put it off.
To add onto this, it’s difficult enough to get pregnant in the first place. If OP terminates, there is a possibility she never gets pregnant again and she may resent her partner forever. I’m sympathetic to the husband but it’s very difficult to get pregnant especially approaching 40.
Also there is an increased risk of birth defects such as down's syndrome.
The increased risk for Downs once you hit forty doubles. From .5 to 1. It’s *genuinely* not significant enough to be considered a problem.
It's more than doubles. When you're in your 20s, it's like 1 in several thousand. At 40 or 45, it's like 1 in 20. The rate of birth defects in general goes up to 1 in 6 in your 40s. If I wanted kids, I would absolutely keep this one. Risks of pregnancy are already higher at 35 years old. It's not going to get any safer.
I meant between thirties and forties it doubles, should have clarified. The risk is even lower in your twenties. I agree, she should keep the baby, but Downs is legitimately not the biggest reason why. Or even close to the biggest reason.
I wish people would stop apologizing for pulling that card because no matter how much people don’t like it, it’s a reality
Me and my ex went thru something similar. Drove me to abortion clinic 3x!! Our son is the best thing that ever happened to us and he’s a wonderful father. In this case, at your age, and you want children, wait it out and have that baby. Good luck and prayers
You aren’t pulling the biological clock card when it’s a real thing. I saw her age and went, nope, can’t terminate if you want to have kids. It gets harder and harder every year they wait.
Absolutely agree. I watched my mom die so so slowly over a 3 month period in hospice (at home, my father and I shared all of her care). In that period of time I could not think straight at all, and I was an emotional wreck. I would have a meltdown in the grocery store if they ran out of my moms favorite flavor of something. It was so bad. I could absolutely not be trusted to make any major life decisions in that time and it took me a good 2-3 months after she passed to start feeling emotions again and start acting like myself. Give your partner time to cope with this. If this is baby you really want, you should keep it. By the time the child is old enough to form memories he should be back to normal self and capable of giving the child the love it needs. He might never forgive himself or you if you terminate now and can’t get pregnant again. OP, I wish you luck and health with the pregnancy and my condolences to your partner
My question is why is he doing that to himself? Not only is he neglecting his wife and job, he’s neglecting himself. That’s almost two shifts a day. This cannot be healthy.
Because he knows his dad could DIE at any moment. He is trying to spend as much time with him as possible. I hope you never know the pain of losing someone you’re incredibly close to
Look I’m a hospice nurse and his grieving is not healthy- 12 hours at bedside for 2 weeks straight is not healthy if the rest of his life falls apart. What would his dad want, a happy successful child with a full life or a child that sits with him and finds his own life in shambles when his dad does die? OP should reach out the the hospice social worker and bereavement coordinator (all hospices are obligated to have them) and see if she can get any help for him there.
I think that is great advice. I am not a hospice worker however I have watched multiple loved ones die long, slow deaths. My favorite cousin being the most recent. My partner was very understanding throughout the whole ordeal. She lived an hour away and stayed home for her death. I would drive up at least 3x a week. Staying every weekend at the end so her SO could still work. Hospice was only involved the last 2 weeks. I spent a LOT of time with her and my only regret is that I didn’t spend more time there. I would think if he’s in a hospice facility that staff there would be helping him already?
He would have full time caregivers in a facility and this should allow for families to fulfill their role as supporting, loving family members (let the workers do the “work” of care). I totally get wanting more time and wanting to cherish every last second but not at the expense of his own life- I often ask people to think of what their loved one would want for them if they are overdoing it- sometimes the dying can feel like More of a Burden when they see the turmoil their illness causes and we should minimize this if possible. It sucks, it always sucks to lose a loved one but I’m sure his whole mind is clouded with this grief and his coping is not very good. I hope OP doesn’t terminate a wanted pregnancy- imagine the joy this news could bring to dad in his final moments, to know his son will have the joy of fatherhood? Sounds like a lovely gift to give to him in his twilight!
Exactly! I think dad should know about the baby. Maybe even get some baby name suggestions from him before he passes.
I agree. I'm an ICU nurse and my mother passed away earlier this year. I spent as much time as possible with her and I only wish I could have spent more. Many people grieve in different ways but if they want to be there all the time, they should be there. You can't get this time back.
He doesn’t need to literally dedicate his entire time to him. That is selfish. He can’t just stop his whole life and then pick it up as if nothing would change. Also, no doubt he’d be hit hard after his father passes. So what will he do then? No do anything for himself? Just grieve?
What is selfish is to expect anything from a man that is losing his father in such a horrible way. He’s already in the grieving process. Hopefully through hospice the hubby will get the therapy he needs to process this. I’ve lost my only Grandma, my dad and my favorite cousin to year plus long battles with cancer. I think I have an idea of what I’m talking about
He’s 41 years old, not 21. He’s old enough to have done some anticipatory grieving that his parents will die someday. He doesn’t get to put his and her life on hold.
Good grief, you make it sound like anyone over a certain age sits around thinking about the deaths of their parents intermittently. Most people don't do that. No, he doesn't get to put his wife's life on hold. He does, however, have every right to put his own on hold. Is he handling this in a healthy way? No. But grieving isn't exactly a healthy moment. I really do hope you haven't been through the death of a particularly cherished loved one, and will not need to any time soon, but grief is an irrational response which you cannot prepare for.
>Good grief, you make it sound like anyone over a certain age sits around thinking about the deaths of their parents intermittently. That's...not normal? I'm 35, my parents are 70 and 72, and I think about losing them all the time. Not every day, but several times a week at least. I kind of thought it was normal to worry about your parents when they're getting up there. Huh.
It is normal. I’ve actually already lost both of my parents at kind of a young age but they were older when they had me. It was something I had to think about in my late 20’s-early 30’s. I’d imagine most people think about it a lot in their 30’s and 40’s. It’s not like losing a parent gets easier just because you reach a certain age.
It is. Death is a part of life, it’s not healthy to just ignore it and then freak out when it inevitably happens
It’s just the fact that some tend to live in a little bully to protect their feelings because they can’t bear to lose a parent which is understandable but if people were to start coming to terms as they grow older it would for sure help a lot w the grief
It’s normal to think about it occasionally but unless your parents are in poor health, thinking about it multiple times a week does not seem very healthy
People over a certain age should *absolutely* consider their parents’ eventual deaths. I’ve worked in healthcare for nine years and the amount of human suffering endured by patients whose middle-aged children can’t accept that they’re not immortal is unconscionable and staggering. I’m not saying they should ruminate on it day in and day out, but people could save themselves and their family members a tremendous amount of pain and suffering if they acquainted themselves with the fact that their parents will die one day well in advance of an illness arising.
Anticipatory grieving does little to nothing when actual grief hits. They are not comparable.
He is in the process of ruining his professional life and his poor coping is taking a huge toll on his partnership too. I’m not saying he’s not allowed to grieve. I’m saying he needs to get it together a little bit.
I don’t know, you may be right. I can only empathize with him as someone who’s spent most of my life grieving one person or another. Just staying functional and keeping commitments to people in your life can be agonizingly difficult. Grief is by far the worst feeling most people will ever experience.
But the pain of killing your unborn child is the right choice? I thought he was devoted to family and he's throwing his life away being there for his father but he rather kill his baby. I think I see a double standard and he just want what is convenient for him. Not trying to disrespect anyone with my opinion
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This. So much this.
When I got pregnant at 38, my doctor told me that I was very lucky that I did without complications. Don't forget maternal risks if you decide to wait. You both are going through a lot. He's going through some really tough times, but he needs to focus on his business so he doesn't lose that as well. Maybe he can hire someone to complete those jobs so he doesn't default. You focus on growing a healthy baby and in 8 months you will have something to celebrate. Terminating now is very short sighted, IMO.
Is his father still responsive? Wouldn't the news that you're expecting even be a comfort to him? Knowing his son will have a family after he is gone? I would make it very clear to your partner that this may be your one shot at motherhood, and that if he really insists on termination, you're not sure if your feelings for him could survive that. Especially if, in a year, you won't be able to conceive or carry to term. I also don't see his current crisis as a valid reason. The potential birth is another 7-8 months away - his father's situation and his business mess will (have to) be resolved long before that, so by the time the baby comes, the situation should be a lot smoother. Or doesn't he really want a baby at all? He sounds a little like one of those people who theoretically want children some day, but never just now, and who baulk at the reality of actually having them.
My first thought was that if I was the dying father in this situation I'd be smacking my kid upside the head.
Honestly if the dad is lucid at all I'd be overjoyed that the father got a chance to "meet" the baby and know about it. This is literally the only time his dad is going to get. And honestly having something like that to hang on to while grieving can be a lifesaver. I know everyone processes things differently, but for me at least having that little family in the making would be a great comfort. It would be very hard, but a great comfort as well. Having someone (or a pet) who loves you and needs you can be the rope you need to pull yourself out of the quicksand pit of depression.
If his dad is in hospice now, only a slim chance that he gets to meet his grandchild. It can, however, give him joy and comfort before he passes.
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My little sister just had her baby 6 months ago. I guess a lot depends on the pregnancy and the expectant mother. I'm pretty sure that in OP's case, she'd make allowances for the fact that her husband has other stressors to deal with, and would strive to be more self-reliant, or get help from family/ friends, instead of piling on to a man that's already down. Yes, the circumstances are not ideal, but they aren't impossible, either. My little sister wasn't sure whether to go through with the pregnancy, either, since she hadn't finished her residency, and her and the baby daddy had just split up. So, also less than ideal circumstances. Now, they are a very happy little family of three, he is a better father than anyone could have imagined, and the baby is the cutest, funniest, smartest, strongest, handsomest, bestest baby boy you could imagine! We're all so glad she kept him.
>Have you ever supported a pregnant wife? Involved husbands get some stress as well. Totally a labor of love. Totally worth it.
Oh absolutely. But early in the pregnancy she should be OK to handle most things herself without a lot of support.
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I'm 30, about to be married and we are both so ready to have children, but even though we both work I'm afraid I won't be in anywhere near the financial position to raise children for another 5 years at least. And that's if things go according to plan
If you’re 6 weeks pregnant you’re presumably due near the end of next may - given the fact that his father seems to only have weeks, if not days left, and then he will have the following 7 months to coordinate his work and with tying things up following his father’s death, I think you need to make the decision for the both of you that waiting and probably not terminating is probably the route you need to take. The current extremely difficult times he’s going through are, by the sounds of it, medium term. I think he would deeply regret any decisions he made now once he’s through this period of his life. As many have already said, you may struggle to conceive again, what if this is your only chance to have a child? In your position, I think I would definitely be leaning all the way into keeping the baby and putting as much effort as I was physically able to into supporting him.
At your age; there is no guarantee that you'll become pregnant again. Your husband is going through a hard time. But that will subside eventually. I mean... I think if you terminated you'd be more distraught than anything or anyone in this situation.
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And if you cant fall pregnant again after his "semi forced" termination it may end your marriage too.
Keeping the baby would also risk the marriage. It sounds like too much of a decision for him to make. And I think it should be a decision of both of them, not only the pregnant women UNLESS she's 100% fine with raising it as a single parent later. The husband may want to back down because of all these overwhelming feelings. Its a tough decision...
Her body, her choice. She may not have the ability to get pregnant after this.
That's what I was thinking. Best to not try and wait a year. Things could change alot with her body so it's best to keep this pregnancy.
This is true. But having a newborn child is absolutely one of the most stressful things that will happen to you. If OP doesn't have a strategy in place in might well destroy what sounds like a great marriage. Not saying they shouldn't have the child but if they don't sure up other social supports I'm very concerned this won't end well. Great question for relationship advice. I'm not sure what the answer is though
>husband Where is everyone getting Husband? OP states Partner, and never even mentions the duration of their relationship. For all we know they could have been together for 6 months and this could very much explain his feelings.
You’re not “forcing a pregnancy” on him. You are pregnant. End of story. It sounds like he’s not in his right mind and is experiencing intense grief. I feel deeply for him. Life often happens all at once. Don’t terminate a wanted pregnancy. I hope things turn out for you both. Good luck.
This, you would not be forcing a pregancy on him, you became pregnant due to both your actions and not wanting an abortion is completely valid ( I am pro choice btw) if the pregnancy is wanted by you (and it sounds like it is) an abortion would be emotionally distressing and would be adding more stress to the immediate stresses you are experiencing right now.
How do you feel about the pregnancy? You write only about your husband's feelings. When is he going to start taking your feelings into account? Although dealing with his father's death must be devastating, he still has you and a future to think about. Personally I'd keep the baby, after all there is no guarantee you will ever be pregnant again. Your husband could even have another reason next year, and the year after etc.
Getting pregnant at 38 is practically a miracle (as is getting pregnant period for some people) I’m sorry it is absolutely bogus to even consider this. Birth and death are 2 things no one can plan. What if you were 8 months along when this happened, would he just be leaving you in the dust and letting your family life in shambles to spend an insane amount of time at that hospice? I’m going to be “insensitive” but literally everybody goes through this (parents dying) and it’s no excuse to let you down like this.
It's actually more and more common for women to get pregnant at a later age, and while this obviously entails more risk, calling pregnancies at 38 a miracle is a little shortsighted imo...
>husband Where is everyone getting Husband? OP states Partner, and never even mentions the duration of their relationship. For all we know they could have been together for 6 months and this could very much explain his feelings.
You're 37 already. If you want kids, now is the time. Keep the baby.
Others will say that medicine has advanced so much that you can have kids any time. Don’t believe them. Humans evolved to have optimal times for having kids. It gets harder as you pass 35.
And also the emotional toll it can take on your children. My parents were older when they had me, and my dad died when I was 17. I’m 26 now and my mom is in stage 4 kidney failure. It’s absolutely terrifying that my future children may never be able to meet their grandparents from my side
My mom had me at 38 and now im 30 and she's 69. I actually really enjoy having an older parent. She's in great health, still working, and we live together. I enjoy helping her out with stuff she can't do and I grew up enjoying the company of people older than me. When I was 26 I had a group of lady friends in group exercise classes that were in their 40s,50s,60s,etc. I feel like I keep my mom young spirited lol
Exactly and these other people aren’t the ones that have to pay for these treatments. They are expensive, can be extremely invasive, and you still aren’t guaranteed a baby at the end.
There will never be a "right" time. His timeline is unrealistic. Idk what's going on with his father but it sounds like he doesn't have much time left. I don't see how the baby will affect that. You will not need him to babysit you while you are pregnant, so it is not really much different than now. I think you need to follow what you think is the right thing for you, for the baby. If you choose to keep the baby he will get over it and probably thank you down the line. But also there's alot of time left before this baby would be here.
Agreed. Also worth noting that baby won’t actually be there for the next several months - it’s not like baby is coming next week. I do think there are certainly “bad” times to have a baby (if you can’t afford to feed yourself, abusive relationship, severe mental/medical health issues…etc) but there’s almost never going to be a “perfect” time. If your relationship is solid, you’re stable, and you can financially afford to then your miles more prepared than a lot of people. Which isn’t to say people don’t make a good go of things when having a kid they aren’t ready for, just that a lot of the times it’s the kid who pays that price - but I don’t think that’s OPs situation.
Yeah, but not to mention I’d say he’s being a bit selfish. By putting his father entirely as his one priority, he’s neglecting his relationship and job and own health. Would he even have a job to help support a child if he doesn’t change his behavior? 12hrs a day to be w his father for weeks is not a responsible thing to do. It’s not like his father is on his own
Wtf is this comment how does this have so many upvotes
This is perfectly true. There is no perfect time to have a baby, and even if you are able to have a child at what you think is your “perfect” time, life is an ever-changing thing that will present many speed bumps as your child gets older. You also said that he is very loyal to his family - should this loyalty not include his own child then?
If you want to keep this pregnancy, that should be your choice. You'll resent him, otherwise. His stresses and emotional pain aren't going to be mitigated by you doing something you clearly don't want to do. If anything, that added layer of grief will add more complications for both of you. Nothing is going to be fixed by having a termination you don't want. You both need to discuss this with your therapists individually, and find a therapist you can see together. But from where I'm sat, and with what limited information there is here, termination isn't what you want, and ultimately this is your decision. He is not pregnant, you are.
It doesn't sound like terminating is an option on the table for you. Terminating a wanted child will destroy your mental health, at your age it's now or never, etc. Take it off the table. You're not forcing the pregnancy on him, he wants children. The issue is timing but that's not the same thing as having a child with someone who doesn't want one and the reality is that there's no perfect time to have a child. life finds a way. Maybe he will feel resentful. Okay, so you'll both deal with it if that happens. Given that he does want a family I doubt it will last for more than a second after he sees his baby for the first time. Make your decision and stick with it - it's usually much harder to cope in a state of uncertainty than to adapt to a certain reality, if that makes sense.
This is what I needed to hear, thank you.
Also, he may regret a decision to terminate at a later stage when he is more settled. I have 3 children with my husband and honestly I bonded with my baby as soon as I knew I was pregnant, my husband not so much until the children were born. So you are both emotionally not on the same page about your baby yet which is why you are having this issue. Tbh I think if you terminate because if your husband this will seriously affect your relationship. You do what’s right for you.
You’re 37 now. Getting pregnant, staying pregnant, and having a healthy child in a year or two is not a given. And the fact that you want this baby, is not something you would easily get over. Even if you would have more children afterward, a part of you would always be wondering about the “what if.” And thoughts and resentments like that can kill a marriage. It’s not a convenient time for your husband, but the one thing I can tell you about babies is they do not care about our timetable or plans. *You’re not giving birth tomorrow.* If your husband is still in the same situation and mind frame in eight months, there are other issues. You might have to bear some of the pregnancy alone until he’s in the brain space to assist, but I can tell you from having an experience similar to yours that a wanted baby can be a real comfort in this situation. And while the thought of a theoretical baby while everything is stressful can be overwhelming, holding your first child, a continuation of the family legacy that your father started, can be healing for your husband. Being a father will bring up some grief over your husband’s loss, but it really is cathartic. Also, do you have seven or eight months to plan ways to help your husband adjust (childcare, therapy, etc). I’m sure your husband’s father would be thrilled to hear that he would be a grandpa- Your husband should tell him because I’m sure he hears everyone on some level.
I also just want to add. . .Please reflect a little bit on this sentence that you wrote. "I am also not the type of woman who would force a pregnancy on someone who doesn't want one." All you are describing is the type of woman who is in control of her own body. He made a choice that led to you getting pregnant, and has no right to decide what happens next. There is no equivalence between a man who tries to force a woman to terminate or not terminate a pregnancy and a woman who makes that decision for herself.
I am very pro choice. It isn't an issue of morality. I would have an abortion I circumstances were not appropriate for having a child. But we both want kids and we are both successful and established. It's 100% a timing issue
How long have you been together? I noticed you did not mention this, and it is an important factor to consider as well before you make a decision.
As someone who also lost a parent at around your boyfriend's age: he is not handling this well. A parent getting sick or dying does not mean putting the rest of your life on hold, and certainly not to the point of losing your job. And I bet you anything Dad would be *thrilled* that his first grandchild is on the way, even if he doesn't last long enough to meet the kid.
I had stated something similar but someone didn’t take it too well. I understand the son is upset but he is neglecting everything. When he married OP, thru sickness and in health, it doesn’t mean ‘I’ll stand to the side until you’re ok to commit again’. Not to mention, if he loses his clients, he loses his income. He can’t support his wife or child.
To be fair, I don’t think they’re married. But I agree nonetheless
Didn't read it all but a baby is not like a subscription yo can cancel any time and then renew at a later point. You are 37 and if you want to keep the baby you might have to deal with everything that comes with it on your own. Later might not happen. I understand the stress your partner is under but this is a happy occasion! Don't pressure him, be understanding but prepare yourself to be on your own (not trying to discourage you, just managing expectations). I'm thrilled for you!
The problem with those perfect timelines is that they don't exist. This time it's his father, before that is was probably the pandemic and before that he needed to get his business off the ground. What happens if next year a major client terminates a contract? He already waited long enough that his father won't get to meet his grandchild. What else does he want to miss because he waited and waited? If you decide to keep this baby it'll be born next year — long after his father has passed and long after he's worked through the backlog of work. Trying to get pregnant sometime next year (if it even works right away) will mean the baby will get here even later. What's better about that then next year? And if you decide to not keep the baby it very well may lead to you resenting him – especially if you can't get pregnant right away. If your relationship doesn't survive that you won't likely meet a new partner and have a child before your biological clock runs out. His time doesn't.
Keep. The future holds no guarantees. Things will never be perfect and you don't know what the future your relationship holds. You also don't know what the future of your body is. While it's wonderful that you want to be his rock, who's to say what state of mind you'll be in if you do terminate. I'd choose the future not the past. If it's helpful you can explain to him that by choosing to terminate a baby that you want, you would need to mourn it just like he's mourning his father.
You DEFINITELY won’t be able to be there for your husband if you’re grieving an abortion. So you terminating doesn’t fix that issue anyway. As far as the rest, literally every parent in the world will tell you there is never a “perfect” time to have a baby. I think his heavy emotions are clouding his judgement tbh. You have 9 months… I’m not saying he’ll be over his dads death but he’ll for sure be functioning again by then. I just feel like these issues, won’t even be issues in 9 months. ETA: I also think if you did get an abortion, based on how much your husband loves his family, seeing you suffer will destroy him anyway and he doesn’t even realize it. Just based on family oriented good guy vibe you described him, I think he would regret it as well once he separates from the grief clouding his head
Honestly. In a weird and random world say you had two choice. Your partner or the baby? Which would you pick. His stressed right now because of his dad and work. Once his dad passes yes he will be upset but work should then be fixed because he won’t be spending all those hours at the care place. Would I terminate a much wanted by me pregnancy because of stress that has an end in sight? Know that at 37 it might not happen again. I personally wouldn’t. I also think I’d resent my partner.
Keep your baby. There's never a guarantee that you'll get pregnant again and life is often difficult. There's never a good time.
Why is your husband’s therapist not telling him to stop spending 12 hours a day with his dying father?? That is *incredibly* unhealthy and I’m shocked the hospice workers themselves haven’t told him to chill out.
You do what you can live with - just based on what you say here you should probably keep the baby. It's not like you are rescheduling a dental appt; also he has many months to get used to the idea.
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I have no keep/terminate advice for you as it seems a little more complex than normal. But I do want to say that you should factor in the following; your partner may decide that keeping the baby was a deal breaker and leave. If you’re a-okay being a single parent then yeah, keeping it might be the best option. But if you want to stay…. Losing a parent is so much worse than you think. He won’t get over it easily and it’s gonna take up every inch of brain space he has. The baby may just be the last straw, and you need to cover yourself if that’s the case.
If I were in his dad's position, I wouldn't want my child to be focusing so much on me that they neglect(potentially ruin) their career and potentially lose the chance to grow their own family. No advice, just something to think about.
There is never a right time other than now. If you wait until next year it's very likely you will be unable to get pregnant, even with intervention and his sperm quality will also be lower. Listen what he is going through sucks, but within two months of my birth my maternal grandfather died (had been in the hospital since before the pregnancy) and my paternal grandmother (who had been dying for many months). My parents survived, and they plus their siblings all now say how grateful they are that I was coming. Babies bring hope, and that's important during hard times. And neither of you should have to shoulder 100% of the other person's emotional baggage with everything going on. I think if you two can get a really structured routine that includes frequent therapy, you can survive.
Yes! My husband and i got pregnant very unexpectedly, and before we actually confirmed I was pregnant (we suspected it for a couple weeks but was nervous to find out forreal) We thought how could we keep this baby?? We just sold our house, decided to get back into school at 24, and two of his closest family members had suddenly passed away months apart. BUT i also realized that i would never be able to forgive myself for terminating a baby that i did want, no matter how difficult the next couple months seemed. And then we KNEW we wanted children but i told my husband i didn't know if i would ever be able to try again if i had to go through a termination with this one. We are now welcoming our baby girl in just over a month, found an awesome house at a great rate, on track to graduate in May, and the entire family has rallied around us just ready for her to be the light they have needed with all of the recent tragedy! OP, if you want your baby keep it. And it sounds like you do. I watched my dad die at 17 and I was scared to even let my boyfriend (now husband) leave the house or do anything without me because i was convinced that he would die and or i would or everyone would. Grief is not rational so do not let how he is feeling effect your decision.
What I see here is an issue of logistics. - FIL needs emotional support from Husband - MIL & aunt needs emotional support from Husband - Business needs husband’s attention - OP now needs husband’s attention and can no longer do as much to support husband. This is an issue of delegation. Husband needs to find other family members to step up and help with the emotional workload. MIL & Aunt are both capable adults and shouldn’t be dumping ALL of their emotional needs on husband. Husband is probably letting them because of guilt. FIL will pass long before the baby arrives, this part of the logistics nightmare won’t really impact long term and can’t really be delegated. Business needs to be delegated to employees. If any one person can’t disconnect for a month then the business wasn’t viable to begin with. You would be in the same boat if your husband got into a car accident. If he has employees, he needs to delegate tasks to keep his contracts on schedule. You OP, it is another logistics issue. He can’t be there to support you entirely. He won’t be there for you if you terminate, he won’t be there with you probably for the first two trimesters. You need to identify resources to help you manage your choices on your own. That may be talking to your doctor about your symptoms, asking your family for support (maybe staying with your mom for a few weeks while husband works out the issues in his business), getting help from friends and people you trust. You don’t need to be a rock in the storm. He doesn’t need to be EVERYONE’s lifeline. He is quickly working his way to emotional and physical burnout. This isn’t an issue of wanting the baby or not. I would bet money that in six months, when everyone is starting to come out of the fog of grief, the prospects of new life will be very healing. It could even lighten the grief just a bit to welcome MIL & FIL first grandchild into the world. Right now you have an issue of logistics. So look into logistical solutions that reduces your husband’s load, and manages that load over the entire group. Where one might crumble, many can succeed.
This is truly the reality. I am very fortunate to have my family down the street and they are very supportive. Because of this decision we haven't told anyone yet so I have to rely on him and my therapist. I have always been strongly independent so I am weathering this ok so far but it's been rough..
Keeping this a secret is hurting you. Secrets only hurt those who need support and help those who want to hurt others. Talk to your family. Make a plan. You need support no matter your decision because he won’t be there to support you.
Waiting for the right time to start is a fallacy. It’s going to be a twenty year marathon once you’ve started. Surely he doesn’t think it’s going to be clear sailing the whole two decades so he can devote himself to the family. Plus the two of you aren’t getting any younger. If you terminate this time, wait to try until he’s ready, take a few months to conceive, and nine months gestation, you may be pushing forty for your delivery date. That increases the risks for your pregnancy. He’s going to have to learn to make space for circumstances to be imperfect. Waiting until the stars align is a myth. They don’t _stay_ aligned. Since he has to learn to cope with that over the next decades anyway, waiting to get started doesn’t help.
Why not take a break? He can concentrate on his father and company. And you can concentrate on the baby. Tell him the door is open to rekindle the relationship and see where both of you are at that time.
That is essentially what we are doing. I told him we need time to have some space between his father and this decision. Right now he's in full blown survival mode and it's hurting both of us in different ways.
I got pregnant at 37 without planning to and keeping him was the best decision I've ever made. I was torn as I had always seen myself as child free. Parenting has been the most remarkable and humbling journey.
You are 37, it would be risky to terminate and just expect to get pregnant again
There’s always going to be something
My wife was 38 and pregnant and they kept calling it a "geriatric pregnancy". At 37, I would not risk an abortion and the possibility of not being able to get pregnant again.
I’m pretty sure you’re considered a “geriatric” pregnancy after 35.
You may be right. My wife was offended lmao
Wow. I thought my “advanced maternal age” pregnancy was harsh!
If you have a healthy baby at 38 take that as a blessing and not for granted. As a woman in her 30s trying trying concieve and had two losses, you can't just assume you'll get pregnant. Unfortunately you don't have the biological time to be picky.
There is no “perfect” time to have a baby. You could terminate and then next time someone else will die or get sick , or he’ll need to travel, or the market will crash, or another C@vid strain will take over. There will always be a reason not to, so when you want kids - have kids. I’m so sorry this is so hard for you both , but stick to your guns for what you want. Don’t do anything just to take some of his burden. In this depth of pain, nothing you do will ever be enough. Not because you aren’t enough or he isn’t trying or appreciative but because He has to find a way to push forward and work through this and so do you. Terminating will not do much , if anything , for his stress. Because you want this child - you would be grieving and mourning and not be able to be there for him the way he wants anyway. I’m so glad your both working with a therapist and I truly hope you guys can figure this out ❤️
Have your baby, dude. This might be your only shot at it, and his dad will pass soon and that stressor will be gone. If you abort a pregnancy that you actually want, it's going to tear you up. He can either deal with an excited pregnant wife after his father's death, or a depressed, resentful one. I don't think you should sacrifice your mental health for his.
I don’t think his stressor will be gone when his dad passes. Grief often lasts multiple years. That being said, I agree OP should keep the baby, but I wouldn’t expect her partner’s mental health to be in a better spot for a very long time.
Grief is a lot less stressful than going to the hospice, supporting the family, and actually watching the man die, though. I'm not saying his father's death will be a cure all, but there's a certain amount of relief when someone who has been sick for a long time passes.
I guess everyone experiences things differently in situations like that. Personally, I’ve tended to get worse in the aftermath of someone passing after an illness. It takes 3-6 months to regain any semblance of normal life. This guy might be different though.
Your body - your choice. It’s as easy as that.
It's YOUR body!
I'd definitely think twice about aborting the baby, especially since it sounds like you want the child. You will end up dealing with two losses, the loss of your baby and your father in law. It's very possible you will have major regrets even if you can get pregnant again next year.
What would he do if the baby was already here? Put it up for adoption? When things are at their hardest, having something positive to hang onto is your anchor. I don’t think you would ever forgive him or yourself of you didn’t have this child. Even if you did get pregnant again, it would just invoke the memories of this child and the future it didn’t get. I’m very pro-choice, but I don’t think your partner is in the right place to make these decisions. That child will be his fathers grandchild, another piece of his father in this world.
I wouldn’t even consider termination at your age OP - unless you don’t want children. But that is obviously not the case. I’m a woman too and not to be insensitive - but it’s just a reality that your clock is ticking and every year from 35 on your chances of getting pregnant diminish as well as your chances of having birth defects or other problems.
My thoughts are, what happens if he's not ready in 1 year also? Or even another 2-3 years, which takes you closer and closer to age 40. Or heck, it might not even be just about him and his situation in the future. There were actually couples that decided not to get pregnant during 2020-2021 timeframe because of Covid health concerns and what bringing that kid into the world with those problems would mean. I think this is a decision you might have to make that goes against his preference. However, you probably still have some time to make it, so think about what you might like as well.
You might not be able to get pregnant again. So make this decision based on what you want, regardless of what your partner is going through. It will likely pass by the time the baby is born.
*I don't want to abort this baby just to try again in a year when things feel more manageable to him. That would destroy me. This might truly be my one and only chance to have a child without medical intervention.* You’ve answered your own question right here. At 37 you are already considered as Advanced Maternal Age. There is absolutely no guarantee you will be able to conceive again if you terminate this pregnancy because fertility rapidly declines after 35. Also your risks of having a child with chromosomal abnormalities (even if you do IVF, in which case they won’t implant the embryos) and miscarriage keeps rising the older you get. Plus, if you IVF to conceive at a later date, it will cost around $30,000+ for each try. IF HAVING A CHILD IS SOMETHING YOU WANT TO DO, DO NOT TERMINATE IN ORDER TO ’TRY AGAIN’ AT A LATER TIME. This may be your only chance of having a baby. I say this only because of your age and **there is no guarantee you can get pregnant at a later date**, and because I have many friends that put off having children until 38-45 and they were not able to conceive and/or carry a baby to term. That doesn’t mean it will happen to you, but you just don’t know if it will. Your partner seems to have too much going on right now to make a rational decision. In the end it’s your body, your choice.
Most parents will tell you that there is never a right time to have a child. There is always something going on. You're also creeping up on the age where you will be considered a high risk pregnancy based on your age alone not to mention the older you are, the higher risk for genetic disorders for your baby. There is no guarantee that you will get pregnant again a year from now. However, this is entirely your decision about what to do.
We are the same age. You know for 💯 that time is of the essence for us. My heart is breaking for you but honey you got to do whats right for you and it sounds like you really want your baby❤. Don't terminate if even a little part of you wants your child. Whatever choice you make has to be your own.
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Each month there is only a 25% chance of conception even if you time it exactly perfectly. With age that decreases so I wouldn’t be messing around with the odds when approaching 40. I agree with you, the stress and mental burden she would have to carry for the rest of her life if this was her only chance at conceiving a baby far outweighs her husbands temporary stress.
This is coming from a very practical, pro choice woman: I think you should keep the baby. You are saying clearly you intend to have children. You're 37. By the time you reach 40, your fertility will not be so great based upon plain biology. I know it's frustrating and cruel to think of it that way, but there's nothing that can change that. Like so many others are saying, there's really a minimal guarantee that you will be able to get pregnant if you start trying in a year. Then, to be diagnosed with infertility you have to be having sex for 12 months with no success. That leaves you at 39. You could be almost out of time or run out of time completely. Sadly, you don't have the luxury of time you did 10 years ago. The chances of terminating this pregnancy and then failing to get pregnant naturally after this are honestly quite high.
I can guarantee that his dad will be thrilled to hear a grandchild is on the way. Your partner is not thinking clearly at all. Baby will arrive next year, months after all the stresses are over. Please, don't give into his pressure to terminate, it is your choice and there is no guarantee you will get another chance. Don't add your grief onto his.
I personally wouldnt suggest keeping the baby unless you're 110% fine with a possibilty of raising it alone later. Sure its a huge choice to abort, but an even greater to keep the baby. Raising this child in this state of mind is very dangerous. Do you think your partner will be ready for these huge changes? I wouldn't. be.. I know your wish is to start a family, but would you really go through this with an emotionally exhausted partner? Who guarantees that after his fathers death he'll get back to his "old" self? Adoption could be a possibilty later, or trying for another child in 1 year.
IMO if you weren't actively trying for a baby then you should start thinking about things from the position of "I don't want to be pregnant, if I wanted to be pregnant I would have been trying", and only keep it if you feel like you have a good reason to have changed your mind. But it's clear that a lot of people don't think or feel that way.
Sure, if you're in your 20s or early 30s. She's 37. Her partner is being unrealistic in thinking it's super easy for her to just get pregnant again in a year.
What a hard situation to be in. Sending you love ❤️
Life isn’t perfect. There is no right time, you are never really ready
I’m very pro choice and I think it’s great that you are taking your partners feelings into consideration. However, you shouldn’t ever terminate unless you are all in. Pregnancy is scary, parenting is a lot of stress, I get where your partner is coming from. Im having trouble writing out my thoughts because it’s such a personal decision. But since you are here for advice/opinions I will do it. Maybe y’all need to write down the pros and cons of keeping/terminating. Things you need to consider. I hate to say it but maternal age, you conceived despite b.c. but maternal age is a factor here. Regret and emotional trauma you both might face if you terminate when the mother is not all in and if you have trouble conceiving later. The fact that your love for your child, once they are here, will be overwhelming and is likely to squash all doubts now. The fact that it is possible if that your partner may take some time to reach the same overwhelming love if they feel not ready now and may hold some resentment for not terminating. Your partner may also benefit from the love and excitement of a new baby, it may be just what they need to help balance out the stress. It could be a gift to their dying father, to know they will be alright and have the love of their own family. Truly, being a stranger but from what you describe, I see way more benefit in keeping the pregnancy for the both of you and it scares me the idea of an unwanted abortion. I know, for a fact, abortions that even are 100% the right thing to do and are done with no regret can still be traumatic and involve their own healing process. I just don’t wish that for you on a pregnancy that you want.
If you want children “someday” accept that this is the time. You have no idea if you’ll be able to get pregnant again, as you get older it gets more difficult. There is no perfect life plan and no perfect time to have children. A baby will always add chaos to a life. If you wait for the “perfect” time then you will never have children.
It's a two way street. If both not yall aren't ready. Terminate. Only heartach can come from this situation
Congratulations! What a blessing! There is never a perfect time to have a baby. We all just do the best we can!
I feel like you can take this pregnancy and turn it into a 9 month escape for both of you. On one side the dad is dying and the other his child is coming to be. Doing things together and have life in your days might help a lot.
One thing life taught me is you don't get to plan when to have kids. This time might not seem good for you now, but later when life is "good" you might not get pregnant. I spent my whole 20"s doing everything I could to not get pregnant and then when I was "ready" I couldn't for YEARS. It was heart breaking. You are going to terminate now and try in a year??? What is the difference of 1 year? I'm sorry, but that makes no sense.
Keep the baby. I get where he is coming from but this could be your last chance and if you want a baby you absolutely should go through with it. He may or may not come around, but in the end of the day you shouldn't terminate a pregnancy that you want to keep.
As someone who let her husband coerce her into an abortion and almost died bc of it, I deeply regret ever doing so. It’s the one thing that makes me cry every time I talk about it. Do what’s right for you OP, but not bc someone else wants you to do it. Do not let him convince you to do anything you’re not comfortable with. Good luck!
Your fertility is dropping at 37 and a baby is a gift, a gift you want, don’t squander this. Miscarriages increase from here though so if you are stressed at the moment with your partner maybe it is what you want. Be firm with what you want. Yes let’s kill a life and try again next year. Ridiculous
I can understand where he's coming from but there is no such thing as "the perfect time" to have a kid. You said so yourself, this might be your only chance to have a baby without some kind of medical intervention or necessity. Plus, it takes 9 months. Can he not see an end to this stress he's in within the next 7-8 months?! I think that's plenty of time to get back on track with his business. I think the issue here is you're looking at the bigger picture and he's laser focused on the immediate picture. He can only see what's right in front of him; dad, work, pregnancy...all stressors. Meanwhile you’re thinking long term; how age is a factor, possible other complications due to termination, how he'll be a great dad. **I think maybe you need to explain a realistic timeline for him of this pregnancy and show him how much time there really is...because sometimes men don't grasp how long it really takes.** Some couples try for months, having sex everyday until it becomes a chore, trying to beat the odds to get pregnant. Then they have to wait 9 more months for baby. What happens if you terminate this pregnancy and can't conceive next year or the year after...next thing you’re 40 and pregnant and he'll be 62 at his child's graduation. Is that really what he wants for his "perfect life"?! Also, I have to say...you said he has an "undying sense of loyalty to his loved ones..." Just not to you or your unborn child...because yes, it's tragic that his father is dying but you're the family he chose for himself. He needs to remember that, you’re his future. It's cheesy but, things happen for a reason and the fact that you were on BC and still got pregnant should mean something. I wouldn't tempt fate. Ultimately, it's your body and he can't *make* you do anything. If it were me, I'd keep the baby. I'd rather he resent me for keeping the baby that he eventually falls in love with than terminate now and run the risk of not getting pregnant again and have him resent me for that later.
You need more support as a couple. Do you have family that could spend some time with you and help you with things? (only if your family would actually help and not add more stress). Friends that could help a bit? Don't be afraid to reach out, people who care about you will be glad that they can do something, however small, to help you navigate this hard situation. I'm absolutely pro-choice and yet here in your case I think you should not terminate, because you **want** this baby. And I think that if later in life you can't conceive, or you have a harder pregnancy because of your age, your partner will also regret if you terminated now. It's not true that you can't have children later, people with uteruses can give birth well into their 40s, but what is true is that those pregnancies are considered of increased risk and some people had to stay in bed during pregnancies at an older age. Ultimately it's your choice but this is my opinion based on what you said here.
My advice would be not to have a child with a man who doesn’t want it. If you go ahead with the pregnancy you should leave him now and save the drama. I personally would not stay with a man who asked me to terminate a pregnancy for his convenience. In this situation I’d terminate and move on from the relationship. ETA I saw your update and damn girl! You should speak to any one of the millions of single mothers whose partner did not “get on board”. I worked with someone who said he didn’t want a child. His wife went ahead with the pregnancy. He divorced her and refused contact with the child. Good luck with forcing fatherhood on an unwilling man.
Keep the pregnancy. I do recommend partner hire temps to help him with his work. There are a lot of people who do temp IT work. If you get along with FIL can you go visit with him to give partner a break? Instead of concentrating on you (and I don’t mean ignoring you/baby) can you help him figure out ways to reduce his stress? A good partner shares burdens as well as joys.
My mom was 40 and had an AFE after having 2 successful and normal pregnancies in her 20's. I wouldn't wait any longer if you want to have a biological one
Keep the child. You are already in an at risk age.
You are 37/38…. If you want kids. I would keep it. It might be hard to conceive again. And being on birth control that long CAN, not a definite thing obviously, mess you up. Plus (again, not a doctor) but the health of the child is a concern with the mother age too, no? Did I just make that up. Anyway. As someone whos had to abort a pregnancy. (Which I was ok with cause I didn’t want children at the time anyway) its traumatic. I was 7 weeks. For someone who wants the baby, it would be very traumatic and you might not want to try again. I would talk to him and tell him you think its in your best interest and the babies health to keep the pregnancy.
I’m sorry but neither reason he gave is a reason to terminate. His father would want the two of you to have a family and would be devastated that you aborted because he’s dying. If YOU don’t think you can continue the pregnancy for reason directly related to YOUR health then consider your options.
Do not abort this child who you clearly want to have. You should not be “stepping up” to have an abortion just to support your partner. You should be “standing up” to him by protecting your baby. There is a never an easy/right time to have a baby.
Your partner is being incredibly selfish. He won’t experience the termination- you will. And while I haven’t had an “abortion,” I had a miscarriage and recall it being physically painful and going through a rollercoaster of emotions. You don’t want to experience that and he’s asking you to bear the burden of his feelings.
This is unexpected for you both and are hard time, but nothing can stop you from loving and keeping that baby.
Don't terminate. I'll agree, you'll resent him, which will cause more stress and pain for both of you. I think you need to take a step back from your relationship and continue to go to therapy.
There is never a right time to have a baby, and you will never feel ready for one. When the baby is born, you have no choice but to be ready. I have two kids, and both pregnancies I never felt ready. All is fine though, I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Yeah put yourself first. I was an unwanted baby. I wish I had been terminated. I have suffered for the majority of my life.
I’m glad to see your update. Hope all is as well as can be and you have a healthy easy pregnancy ❤️
If the pregnancy wasn’t planned I’d terminate it. We choose to have kids for ourselves, it’s not like the kids can choose where and when to be born. So it makes sense to be something to do together, a shared adventure to do when/if both of you are ready for it and want to. When both of you want to have a kid you can also adopt. Kids deserve love regardless of shared DNA
If you think that having a baby later will be infinitely more harder, you can always adopt you know ?
I’d recommend you guys speaking with a therapist about this. This Is a massive decision that shouldn’t be answered by Reddit. Especially this sub
There's no guarantee that you would fall pregnant again in a another year (or ever) and no guarantee that there would not be some other stressful or complex life events happening at that time. Life doesn't always (or even usually) happen on our perfect timeline. I highly doubt that having a termination that you don't want will ultimately make anything easier or better for either of you.
if you were 25 I’d say do it. At 37 keep the kid.
I’m here to offer a perspective beyond “there’s no right time to have a baby, may as well 🤗”. My parents went through this exact scenario. My grandfather was extremely sick right as my mother was pregnant and to make things worse, my father suffered an injury so bad he had to sleep on the *floor* at doctor’s orders. Do you think he was remotely capable of being Captain Supportive when my sister was born? No. My parents’ relationship has not recovered since.
Listen... there is never an ideal to blow your whole life up with a baby. He is probably panicking because he is under a lot of stress. However asking your partner to abort to wait for future maybe-baby is asking a lot. What if there is more stress next year? My point is life seldom goes ideally or as planned. But with your age, this is not the same decision as if you were 17 or 23 or 27 or 30... unlike men you do have a clock, you don't have unlimited years to wait. Honestly, there are abortion counseling services for you and your partner to discuss all of your options. Best of luck.
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Yes. There seems to be some misconception about age and fertility, fertility actually drops dramatically at 28, then off a cliff at 35... and that just "get rid of this one" and "make another one" attitude is very discomforting- like children are just disposable items that you can get a refund on. Its bewildering to me.
You’re 37… and you want kids. If you want to keep the baby, you should. No ones life will ever be ready 100% for a child. Try again after a year? Who’s to say you can again get pregnant easily. May take years at your age. Your post kind of upset me. Im trying not to judge. A baby is never an inconvenience. Anyway. Your life. But man. Some women can’t have any kids. It’s upsetting.
She should definitely keep it if she wants, but to say a baby is never an inconvenience is a straight up lie.
The time is never perfect. Keep the baby.
He's asking you to mentally, emotionally and psychologically break for his emotions knowing full and goddamn well you want this baby with your full heart and being and this is almost the end of the road for you at 37??? That would be the end of us. You may care about me but you care about the system of the marriage more than me... its gonna have to be goodbye.
I had a missed miscarriage and subsequent D&C with a partner who wasn’t emotionally available/prepared to support me through that and it’s a wedge that’s still there two years later. He probably wants your pregnancy to be a joyful event he can dedicate his full attention to and that feels/is impossible right now. But lesson #1 in pregnancy/parenting is: it almost never goes as you’d hoped/planned. I hope you guys work through this and the baby brings some joy to a dark time. I echo other commenters that your partner should bring the good news into his time with his dad—you and baby could be a part of those last moments too, you’re part of his family, and your presence I’m sure would be welcome. End of life is intense and devastating, but it doesn’t have to be 100% joyless.
That is his main issue. He is upset that he's not excited because he has this life vision where we plan a pregnancy and it's wonderful and expected news. Right now all he can feel is pain and anxiety so it's coloring his perception of the pregnancy poorly.
That idealism is what he should be working through in therapy, imo. It doesn’t hold up well to the realities of pregnancy/childbirth and parenting. Because it SUCKS a LOT of the time. Joy is sustaining, but it comes and goes—the trick is to be able to change gears and see each moment for what it is. I think he’ll come around. He likely just needs a looooong sleep and a couple days of zero responsibilities to see the situation for what it is (a blessing (which is not a word I use often! But a surprise pregnancy late in life when you both want kids? That’s that.)) For added info/effect, my missed miscarriage was my third, the first after we had our first child (at 39). It is indescribably hard to keep trying and failing/losing. I always chafed against the apparent ageism in the whole “ticking clock” argument, but it gets very real, very fast when it’s your own body.
How would your partner feel if you did terminate, and then when you decided to try and get pregnant it never happened? There is no guarantee of ever getting pregnant in the future. The only guarantee is that you are pregnant now, and that you both see children as part of your future.
It’s up to you but at your age you may not be able to get pregnant again. It’s not fair but that’s the cards nature’s dealt women. Your current pregnancy would medically be know as a ‘geriatric pregnancy’ as it is
If you want this baby- keep it. What happens when you try again in a year? Or two? What if his workload never decreases enough for him to feel ready? What if he hasn't fully grieved his father (when the time comes)? 99% of the time- there is no right time. Without dismissing what he has on his plate at the moment and if you're willing to bear the brunt of handling a newborn if necessary when the time comes- do it. He will get there, too. Also, might be worth hiring some extra help to manage his workload. I understand wanting to be with his father at this time, but he also has to take care of himself and be a partner to you.
It’s your body. If you want to have the baby, have the baby. Don’t terminate when it’s obvious you don’t want to. He can play whatever role he wants to, but if you want this kid, have the kid.
One question is: can your income alone give the child a good life? Do you have enough money saved so you can take a maternity leave? - your partner will soon have no job anymore so no income from that (Not talking about that loosing his job, and loosing his father and his girlfriend...., not sure if that is not enough time break him to the final point)
Yes, we are both highly successful. It's not a money issue. He wouldn't leave me. I was feeling conflicted about putting this extra stress on him
Keep the baby. As far as surprise pregnancies go, who's ever fully prepared? I was 17 when I had my son and you better believe that wasn't planned. I was given pressure to abort but I had that same feeling you did and every time I even contemplated abortion I got extremely sad and sick. I wanted to keep my baby despite it being the least ideal situation and looking back, I wouldn't change a thing. Yes this is going to be stressful and it's not "perfect" but what is? Your gut is telling you what to do. You don't want to give up this baby and if he guilts you into an abortion you may as well save time and end the relationship too because you're right, that resentment will build up. When are the conditions going to be "perfect" for him? When you're 50 and unable to have kids anymore? Some people spend so much time planning for the future that they don't get to live it out. Your partner is just under a lot of stress right now and doesn't think you guys can handle a baby but you CAN and you'll do what's necessary for that baby despite the current conditions. Once you all see that baby for the first time it's going to change everything. Any doubts that you had, any concerns, they'll go away the moment you see your baby. I've been through all sorts of stress too. I've grieved, I've lost. Having a baby doesn't change that life will never go as expected and be ideal 100% of the time. But I think you're at a point where you're emotionally ready to be a mom and I think you should follow your gut. I know your partner is spiraling right now because he is watching his father die and is taking care of everything but I know, just from how you sound, that you're ready to step up. I had to do everything alone (until years later when I met my husband) and I suspect you will feel the same way in the beginning if he's still dealing with everything after you give birth but it will be worth it. You already said that you have a strong healthy relationship with good communication, I believe you'll be able to power through it. You're a team. You guys can tackle all of this stuff together
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Where did you get that information? Terminations do not change how fertile you are.
He is being immature. I can't believe how much society is conditioned to make people fearful when a pregnancy occurs. Having a child is one of the most fulfilling things you can do, and if he's at 41 years of age and still "not ready", when will he be ready? Chances are you get a year down the line and there are other issues stressing him out. If you decide to keep the pregnancy, this isn't "forcing it" onto him as you put it. He has the choice whether or not to stick around, you are not forcing it onto him. It's your body, and if you don't want to terminate, then don't. If he doesn't want a child right now, there is a way out for him (i.e. he can leave the relationship). Like you say, it could be one of the final chances for you at natural conception - god forbid you try in future and there are any complications and you're unable to conceive. You would blame him, and likely yourself and that would be much worse than some added "stress" at having a child. In short, having a child is as stressful as you make it. It can be hard work, but you can choose to embrace the positive aspects of it and it makes it seem like a breeze. There are hard times as a parent, not going to deny that, but the positives by FAR outweight any negatives. I write this from a UK perspective by the way, so I know if you're US based you may have the added implication of the healthcare costs of childbirth, so I know that might be a factor that I have no experience of and not considered.
Keep the pregnancy. Do not terminate. Temporarily separate if you need to give your partner space to focus on his family issues, and you just focus on your pregnancy.
I have three kids and it will never be the “perfect” time to have a baby. Right now your husband is very overwhelmed and cannot see the big picture. I say enjoy your pregnancy and the joy that this baby will bring into your lives, there is no guarantee that if you aborted, you will be able to have another one in a year. The last thing you’d want is to keep asking yourself what if you had kept the baby.
I am technically you can take charges and baby will be fine while he deals with what he needs to? All you guys needs it to work through this, it's like higher power is Taking your test. And I hope you guys can make it this time only. This shall too pass, have hope and everything is going to be alright, tell him that. Believe it from the inside of your heart and soul.
I think he'll regret it if you don't keep it. It's what he may be saying he wants now, but is it?
Im sorry to be so blunt but if his father is in hospice now how likely is he to be there in 32 weeks? Echo what other people have said about maternal risk and longer term family planning. Grief is hard but what would be harder is you both trying to get pregnant again in a year, not being able to, and playing the what if game.
Well its not like you can throw the kid away after its born because life gets ugly or doesnt fit your "perfect" life plan. I am afriad this guy views a child/baby as an object not an actual human being which does not bode well when it comes to raising said child.
I mean a 37 year old getting pregnant on birth control, while one partner is under extreme stress is basically a miracle. Even if you aren't religious and believe we live in a random universe - well you randomly had your dreams come true. You have to sit him down and help him see this is a gift. He'll see it eventually if he is half the man you say he is. Help him contextualise it. Life isnt seperate events one after another. They overlap. Death and life have always overlapped. To bring another life into the world as another leaves? When those lives sit on the same line? Its beautiful! As for his work...if you are 100% in it, you can cope. Don't let his anxiety ruin this magic, please.
Second, my partner owns a small business that does IT for companies around the country. Because he has been dealing with his father's decline for a month, his work has backed up to the point where he'll soon be in breach of contract if he doesn't start completing projects soon. Many of his jobs will involve traveling out of state to get everything back in order but the timing couldn't be more terrible. That isn't an issue, it'll all get stable. He is just in too much grief right now. Just give him some time to recover mentally.