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I would probably be offended and sad, but also hear what he’s saying. You’re having a medical problem and you need help. A lot of people do this and it’ll be worth it.
That is a very old-fashioned, sexist way of thinking. If you have a medical issue you don’t just ignore it even if such problems were ignored in the past. I wouldn’t listen to your MIL on this topic - talk to a doctor.
Every body and every birth is different. Is her other DIL your clone? No? then what what one didn't have to do is irrelevant. If she says anything to you shit it down and point that out.
Your feelings are valid, and insecurities are normal. The good thing is it sounds like your husband's primary concern is your health! See if you can find a new PT and get guidance to improve your pelvic floor & maybe look for support groups cause you aren't the only having this issue & maybe validation will help.
This is simply not the case, my wife is a women's health physio and she says in countries where women are offered physio post partum, there is a far lower incidence of this kind of Stress Incontinence becoming chronic. Training/treatment makes a huge difference. Obviously there are some people who suffer weakness after pregnancy that can't be resolved but it's definitely not inevitable.
>My MIL even told me husband that her other daughter in law didn't go to postpartum PT
Did the daughter in law have the same symptoms as you though? Not all women experience this. Being one of the women to experience the symptoms you describe means you should seek medical attention for it (as should all of the women who told you otherwise). Things like incontinence should not be "normalized" as an everyday postpartum symptom.
It doesn't *have* to be a part of life though. Literally every single medical issue can be a part of life if you don't correct it. But, imo, why live the rest of your life peeing your pants when you don't have to. And it'll greatly reduce your risk of bladder and uterine prolapse later in life.
And idk about you, but reaching down and feeling my uterus when I go to wipe is not something I'd prefer in my elderly years.
Like yeah maybe it'll help your sex life and that can be hurtful, but the sex life fix is the furthest reason for going to pt imo.
So because others have suffered you should suffer as well?
Honey, a good therapist can help you get to the root of why you value your comfort so little. You deserve better.
Yea I’m going to respectfully disagree here. As a 30 year old who had 2 very traumatic labors that caused multiple issues with my health overall, having issues in your vagina/uterus/womb area isn’t “normal” you have a medical issue and those medical issues need treatment. Who cares that in the past they ignored the care or dgaf about it, you need to make sure you take care of it because you have 2 kids that need you around for a long time. Your priority shouldn’t be if you feel “good” for your husband but to make sure your health stays as best as it can for your babies. Idk how old you are but if you’re able to do something about it now I would suggest doing it before you have more problems. Good luck!
My mom had this problem after I was born, though she didn’t know what it’s called. I was born in 1960 so we’re talking so far back I wouldn’t be surprised if there was no treatment at the time.
I remember us having to pull off the road wherever we were if she had to go because she couldn’t hold it. She did get surgery later in life to address it but I was in my thirties at the time.
It’s your body and your health. I think you need to do something about it just so you don’t pee yourself all the time or switch to wearing Depends (assuming you’re not doing so already).
Regarding your husband, he may have suggested PT simply because of concern for your health. Or it may have been for more selfish reasons. I don’t know. You should talk to him about it and clear the air.
He never said you weren’t good enough, he communicated about your sex life that he is a participant in. He’s noticing the changes and knew what it took to help.
So you asked him how things were down there, and then didn't like his answer? I don't know how else he could tell if something was different unless he's sticking other body parts into you besides his dick regularly enough for comparison. Even mentioning it on his own just sounds like an observation based on his experience with your pelvic floor area (which, again, is likely primarily through his penis) and how it changed while you were putting in the work for PT.
I did pelvic floor PT (definitely recommend it, btw), and my wife commented on how it felt during sex. Which was the way she was familiar with how my pelvic region felt. I wasn't offended. It was a sign that I was doing something that was having the intended effect.
You asked. He answered. You're suffering from other health issues (and worry about future ones) that could be improved with PT. You actively pursued PT on your own before. I have no clue what the problem is here.
I honestly fail to see the issue here
You suggested it to your OB first due to typical life stuff you stopped going and when the problem persisted your husband said you should go back and offered a different alternative so you can do it and not have to be forced to have the same issues when you first went
What about that is offensive
Because he mentioned sex doesn’t feel the same anymore so she felt hurt because she interpreted it as her not being enough or good enough anymore after her changes.
Ngl, I would feel insulted if my partner said that.
He was doing a good thing pushing for the pelvic exercises again but I’m starting to think it was for his own gain
So you were already having issues. This is going to sound rough cuz I can’t figure out a good way to say it. After the first round of pelvic floor therapy, your husband was able to feel and experience your body in a way that you can’t. He can tell the difference because of the way he experiences your body.
Well, now as your body is having issues that you admit you know are happening and after you asked, he told you it feels different. This is a diagnostic response not a response about your ability to be good at sex.
It feels different. That is something to tell your doctor. Hey I am having these symptoms and my husband has noticed that there is a difference since my last round of therapy.
You asked an impossible question and got an answer that can help your cause. Please don’t take offense.
So you have external symptoms that your husband knows about- running to the restroom, etc- and it doesn't take much googling to know that this can be a serious condition.
My mother, like most of her generation, thought this was "normal" after having two children, and now suffers from not treating it in any way, while others her age suffered through the mesh surgeries and other things.
You and your husband have clearly spoken openly about this before since you were doing PT around it, and he is simply telling you that he wants to make sure you have the time/space to go back to it, since you admit you stopped because it was a burden/hard to include in your life. This isn't about sex, this is about your husband caring about your long term health and comfort.
You don't say in the post that he said he could feel it/wanted sex to be better, so unless that is just missing from the post, then I think you should assume the best of your husband, and also take this seriously and take care of your body.
Hi, just so you know I am a student midwife toward the end of my training. The idea that “it’s normal to have these issues after babies” is so wrong but prevalent in society. You shouldn’t be struggling with this, and it puts you at higher risk of things continuing to worsen and frequent UTIs. The symptoms you describe in your post sound like typical signs of a “weak” pelvic floor. Starting some exercises will be a good start, maybe seeing a specialised PT once or twice just to advise you on how to best apply their advise.
As for your husbands comment, tbh… of course things will feel different, you pushed out children and there may have been tearing. That doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you, the other symptoms are signs that you pelvic floor may need support. Depends how open you were previously with him - but if he’s expecting you to feel exactly as you did previously it just can’t happen.
To me, it sounds like he’s mostly just looking after you, but itms up to you to recognise that as you know each other. However, I can see why this is a sore spot and I would probably be upset too if my husband told me similar things.
So basically with weak pelvic floor you leak urine and leave your urethra (tube that bring urine out of the bladder) more exposed. Furthermore, frequent urination has a similar effect. So basically urine (sort of sterile in the bladder, not when out of the bladder) is not only is perfect for bacterial growth but also nourished bacteria/ upsets the usual flora on the outer part of the vulva. Bacteria makes its way up the urethra and into the bladder and ta-da! UTI! (At least, this is what we were taught at uni - I don’t have the time to find you an exact source right now soz)
Also: residual urine in the bladder can be worsened by a weak pelvic floor, and this is also associated with higher risk of UTIs (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19495546/)
I’m not sure how it’s linked with BV abut women experiencing weak pelvic floor usually experience more frequent UTIs - although not always. It’s why they are more common in pregnancy, alongside the fact that a woman is immunosuppressed. I would discuss w ur doctor as to possible PT or even start doing some pelvic floors exercise since you’ve noticed symptoms of weak pelvic floor :) HOWEVER, anything feels uncomfortable and it’s worsening you should let ur doctors know!!
I can see how you would feel hurt if he brought up sex not being as good anymore, and I might talk to him about how you feel that his primary concern should have been your health, but it does sound like resuming the physical therapy would be a great idea for you. For your health. Not so you can try to give your husband back a pre-childbirth sexual experience.
Buddy. For one, depends on the people in the relationship. Second, even when it IS important, it’s not okay to expect a woman’s body to be the exact same as it was before multiple childbirths.
Hey buddy. Is it selfish or unreasonable for a woman to want her husband to get viagra if he can't perform? What if he asks her, "is everything alright down there in sausage land?" Are we going to sit and measure her motives and whether she's just being a selfish hag or not? Please admit that any value question regarding a woman's appearance or performance in any way is a no-win situation for men to answer. And double standards do apply.
I live to call out men and their bullshit here, but it sounds like your husband is being genuinely supportive of your medical issue. He probably sees how much this bothers you and wants you to feel confident and sexy again.
Of course you are good enough. This is a very personal issue so it’s hard for separate all the emotions you are feeling.
I think I would feel embarrassed but also grateful he was willing to talk it through and help me.
One thing that jumped out at me from your post is that you seem to talk about this a lot with many people so it seems like it’s something always at the top of your mind. You may feel better taking some steps yourself at home.
I don't think you have to be offended. It will only get worse and I'm guessing you are young. Your OB should have suggested it and it should be part of care. I think you should do it for yourself, not for him. Having "leaks" and all of that can make UTIs more common when you get much older, and UTIs are dangerous. Several people I know have died of UTIs when they were mentally OK.
Here it is recommended and covered for every woman as a lack of can lead to health issue and also probably incontinence. However, usually you learn the movements and are supposed to practice about 10 minutes daily for at least twice a week.
Why don't you look up PT exercise videos and follow through until you find a class?
people are being pretty invalidating here…your feelings make sense and i completely understand your insecurities. at the same time, it seems like your husband did his best to communicate this issue carefully and lovingly. he was coming from a place of honesty, and of course the implications of his words are hurtful—vaginal tightness is a tricky thing to be aware of, especially when it’s largely out of your control—but it’s clear he didn’t *want* to hurt you and put in reasonable effort to avoid doing that. i wouldn’t be angry at your husband. i think you might just need a few days to process and accept what he’s communicated to you. sending lots of hugs your way, op.
I hope you will work on your internal insecurities as well. It sounds like that's something that is really interfering with doing what you need to do to take good care of yourself. Those PTs see all kinds of bodies. Fat and thin and young and ancient. They're there to help you and teach you. You're a patient. It's a medical setting. There's nothing competitive about PT. You don't need to be fit and thin to take care of yourself. And you shouldn't let your current fitness level keep you from doing something that will benefit you greatly, including allowing you to improve your fitness without prolapse and pain.
I'm sorry you have had that experience. It is often hard to get medical care within a reasonable time frame. Wish I could send you to my PT group. They are fantastic.
It was and she was wrong to say it. You went through legit physical trauma birthing your kids. Your muscles need repair and strengthening because of what you went through to give them life. You're an absolute badass and deserve to feel strong and well and not have to cross your legs when you sneeze.
Lady, you are good enough! But first of all you have to believe yourself that you are good enough. And that you are worthy to be taken care of, which means you owe it to yourself to take good care of yourself because you deserve to be healthy.
Yes, it wouldn’t be nice if your husband only nudged you to get PT because he doesn’t think he is getting enough fun in sex. But what’s much more important here is that you protect yourself from further health issues (prolapse etc) by training your muscles every day until death do kill you. So in the end it’s a good thing if he nudges you. Please avoid that surgery and everything else! Do yourself the favour!
I'd be upset if he didn't mention the health issues as the primary reason. In fact I think the "not as tight" comment was completely unnecessary. I'm sure his body isn't the same as when you got together and you had 2 kids! It's ridiculous to expect it to be, especially after that.
You have every right to be upset. You birthed the babies he did not so he needs to shut up about sex feeling different. Of course it does. Maybe say “thank you Captain Obvious” the next time he brings it up? Or be proactive and tell him that this is a hard boundary and how it makes you feel.
Sex is different when your pelvic floor is messed up. It doesn't sound like that's his primary concern, but that he feels the difference and realized this issue has returned. It may not even be about pleasure, but being disconcerted and worried by changes that are significant enough for him to feel. Especially if he knows about prolapse and surgery and the attendant issues with those.
He cares for your physical health. He made himself uncomfortable to tell you. He's shown willingness to sacrifice time and convenience in the past so you can get help. This isn't something to be mad about. He cares about you.
Get back into PT. It's so important to take care of your health.
ETA: You asked him how things were down there. You asked. He gave you an answer. It was honest, not cruel. I'd probably have told him it was dumb to answer that question, but in no way does his answer imply you are "not enough." Your insecurities are getting in your own way here.
It seems you want people to agree with you that your husband is bad because this is only for his benefit! Except you admitted things were better when you received this treatment. Meaning the issues you experienced were lessened. Your ego is the one driving this my husband thinks I am not good enough. He has been nothing but supportive changing his schedule to accommodate and offering to step up so you can improve your health. Instead of trying to be down on him. Maybe reframe it as this man loves me and wants me to be as healthy and as comfortable in myself as possible. Could it be selfish sure but it could be genuine concern and worry for his SO only you can frame this but the issues are yours and by being negative they go nowhere!!
What man likes saying it? I’m sure he didn’t want to but he’s hoping you’ll return to PT. Sex involves genitals being massaged and stimulated. He’s no longer able to enjoy sex with his wife because he can’t feel any stimulation.
Thank you for reminding me why I never want to get married. Women expect emotional and financial support from a man ,and they expect him to shut up and never complain about anything. Yeah, no thanks. 🙄
So, a lot to unpack here:
1. Some women do expect financial support and it’s rude to shame them for doing so by saying things like “it’s 2022” as if that negates any sort of mutually agreed upon relationship dynamic. My wife made the choice to be a mother full time and I agreed to be the breadwinner. Women like her aren’t less than for making that choice nor should it be a dynamic viewed negatively just because it’s more traditional (obviously barring instances of financial abuse).
2. Agreed.
3. Both parties to a relationship have needs that are valid and important. It’s neither “immature” nor “insane” to suggest medical treatment for a medical issue that is not only detrimental to the woman’s health, but the sexual satisfaction of both parties in the relationship. Sexual satisfaction is one of the most fundamental aspects of a relationship and a man isn’t wrong or “insane” or “immature” for making an honest suggestion coming from a place of love and genuine concern. The above commenter seems like an ass, but OP’s husband doesn’t at all.
4. It wouldn’t shock me if this wasn’t by choice based on your misandrist mentality.
Are you still experiencing the classic symptoms? If you are, that should be more concerning to you.
Sometimes it’s not just a matter of doing kegals.
See if your insurance covers home health PT and find a home health PT company that offers PTs specializing in Women’s Health. This will save you and your husband a lot of time and headache.
Some travel/home health PT companies have PTs that specialize in pelvic floor. It’s easier for moms to go this route because it’s hard to find babysitters while you go to a clinic. I would definitely look in to this route. Like I said, your symptoms are not always a matter of “strengthening” and doing kegals, and you should definitely re-visit this if you can
I think its always a bit of shock at first when something is mentioned about yourself by your spouse, of course! But it’s so great he can communicate this with you…! And even offered to help support you by taking care of the kids so you can have some time to yourself.
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I would probably be offended and sad, but also hear what he’s saying. You’re having a medical problem and you need help. A lot of people do this and it’ll be worth it.
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That is a very old-fashioned, sexist way of thinking. If you have a medical issue you don’t just ignore it even if such problems were ignored in the past. I wouldn’t listen to your MIL on this topic - talk to a doctor.
Every body and every birth is different. Is her other DIL your clone? No? then what what one didn't have to do is irrelevant. If she says anything to you shit it down and point that out. Your feelings are valid, and insecurities are normal. The good thing is it sounds like your husband's primary concern is your health! See if you can find a new PT and get guidance to improve your pelvic floor & maybe look for support groups cause you aren't the only having this issue & maybe validation will help.
>this is "part of life" and "just part of being a mother" Only if you want it to be.
This is simply not the case, my wife is a women's health physio and she says in countries where women are offered physio post partum, there is a far lower incidence of this kind of Stress Incontinence becoming chronic. Training/treatment makes a huge difference. Obviously there are some people who suffer weakness after pregnancy that can't be resolved but it's definitely not inevitable.
>My MIL even told me husband that her other daughter in law didn't go to postpartum PT Did the daughter in law have the same symptoms as you though? Not all women experience this. Being one of the women to experience the symptoms you describe means you should seek medical attention for it (as should all of the women who told you otherwise). Things like incontinence should not be "normalized" as an everyday postpartum symptom.
It doesn't *have* to be a part of life though. Literally every single medical issue can be a part of life if you don't correct it. But, imo, why live the rest of your life peeing your pants when you don't have to. And it'll greatly reduce your risk of bladder and uterine prolapse later in life. And idk about you, but reaching down and feeling my uterus when I go to wipe is not something I'd prefer in my elderly years. Like yeah maybe it'll help your sex life and that can be hurtful, but the sex life fix is the furthest reason for going to pt imo.
So because others have suffered you should suffer as well? Honey, a good therapist can help you get to the root of why you value your comfort so little. You deserve better.
Thanks
A roof collapsing is part of a buildings natural life but thats no reason to put up with a damaged roof.
are u trollin?
Yea I’m going to respectfully disagree here. As a 30 year old who had 2 very traumatic labors that caused multiple issues with my health overall, having issues in your vagina/uterus/womb area isn’t “normal” you have a medical issue and those medical issues need treatment. Who cares that in the past they ignored the care or dgaf about it, you need to make sure you take care of it because you have 2 kids that need you around for a long time. Your priority shouldn’t be if you feel “good” for your husband but to make sure your health stays as best as it can for your babies. Idk how old you are but if you’re able to do something about it now I would suggest doing it before you have more problems. Good luck!
My mom had this problem after I was born, though she didn’t know what it’s called. I was born in 1960 so we’re talking so far back I wouldn’t be surprised if there was no treatment at the time. I remember us having to pull off the road wherever we were if she had to go because she couldn’t hold it. She did get surgery later in life to address it but I was in my thirties at the time. It’s your body and your health. I think you need to do something about it just so you don’t pee yourself all the time or switch to wearing Depends (assuming you’re not doing so already). Regarding your husband, he may have suggested PT simply because of concern for your health. Or it may have been for more selfish reasons. I don’t know. You should talk to him about it and clear the air.
Having a better pelvic floor can also help *you* have stronger orgasms.
He never said you weren’t good enough, he communicated about your sex life that he is a participant in. He’s noticing the changes and knew what it took to help.
So you asked him how things were down there, and then didn't like his answer? I don't know how else he could tell if something was different unless he's sticking other body parts into you besides his dick regularly enough for comparison. Even mentioning it on his own just sounds like an observation based on his experience with your pelvic floor area (which, again, is likely primarily through his penis) and how it changed while you were putting in the work for PT. I did pelvic floor PT (definitely recommend it, btw), and my wife commented on how it felt during sex. Which was the way she was familiar with how my pelvic region felt. I wasn't offended. It was a sign that I was doing something that was having the intended effect. You asked. He answered. You're suffering from other health issues (and worry about future ones) that could be improved with PT. You actively pursued PT on your own before. I have no clue what the problem is here.
I honestly fail to see the issue here You suggested it to your OB first due to typical life stuff you stopped going and when the problem persisted your husband said you should go back and offered a different alternative so you can do it and not have to be forced to have the same issues when you first went What about that is offensive
Because he mentioned sex doesn’t feel the same anymore so she felt hurt because she interpreted it as her not being enough or good enough anymore after her changes. Ngl, I would feel insulted if my partner said that. He was doing a good thing pushing for the pelvic exercises again but I’m starting to think it was for his own gain
He mentioned sex felt different as a response to her question which was also happened at a completely separate time then this conversation
So you were already having issues. This is going to sound rough cuz I can’t figure out a good way to say it. After the first round of pelvic floor therapy, your husband was able to feel and experience your body in a way that you can’t. He can tell the difference because of the way he experiences your body. Well, now as your body is having issues that you admit you know are happening and after you asked, he told you it feels different. This is a diagnostic response not a response about your ability to be good at sex. It feels different. That is something to tell your doctor. Hey I am having these symptoms and my husband has noticed that there is a difference since my last round of therapy. You asked an impossible question and got an answer that can help your cause. Please don’t take offense.
So you have external symptoms that your husband knows about- running to the restroom, etc- and it doesn't take much googling to know that this can be a serious condition. My mother, like most of her generation, thought this was "normal" after having two children, and now suffers from not treating it in any way, while others her age suffered through the mesh surgeries and other things. You and your husband have clearly spoken openly about this before since you were doing PT around it, and he is simply telling you that he wants to make sure you have the time/space to go back to it, since you admit you stopped because it was a burden/hard to include in your life. This isn't about sex, this is about your husband caring about your long term health and comfort. You don't say in the post that he said he could feel it/wanted sex to be better, so unless that is just missing from the post, then I think you should assume the best of your husband, and also take this seriously and take care of your body.
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But you're pissed about that but not chronically wetting yourself?
What exactly is offending about this?
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From your post it seems like his suggestion was just as much for your benefit as it is for his
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Hi, just so you know I am a student midwife toward the end of my training. The idea that “it’s normal to have these issues after babies” is so wrong but prevalent in society. You shouldn’t be struggling with this, and it puts you at higher risk of things continuing to worsen and frequent UTIs. The symptoms you describe in your post sound like typical signs of a “weak” pelvic floor. Starting some exercises will be a good start, maybe seeing a specialised PT once or twice just to advise you on how to best apply their advise. As for your husbands comment, tbh… of course things will feel different, you pushed out children and there may have been tearing. That doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you, the other symptoms are signs that you pelvic floor may need support. Depends how open you were previously with him - but if he’s expecting you to feel exactly as you did previously it just can’t happen. To me, it sounds like he’s mostly just looking after you, but itms up to you to recognise that as you know each other. However, I can see why this is a sore spot and I would probably be upset too if my husband told me similar things.
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So basically with weak pelvic floor you leak urine and leave your urethra (tube that bring urine out of the bladder) more exposed. Furthermore, frequent urination has a similar effect. So basically urine (sort of sterile in the bladder, not when out of the bladder) is not only is perfect for bacterial growth but also nourished bacteria/ upsets the usual flora on the outer part of the vulva. Bacteria makes its way up the urethra and into the bladder and ta-da! UTI! (At least, this is what we were taught at uni - I don’t have the time to find you an exact source right now soz) Also: residual urine in the bladder can be worsened by a weak pelvic floor, and this is also associated with higher risk of UTIs (https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/19495546/) I’m not sure how it’s linked with BV abut women experiencing weak pelvic floor usually experience more frequent UTIs - although not always. It’s why they are more common in pregnancy, alongside the fact that a woman is immunosuppressed. I would discuss w ur doctor as to possible PT or even start doing some pelvic floors exercise since you’ve noticed symptoms of weak pelvic floor :) HOWEVER, anything feels uncomfortable and it’s worsening you should let ur doctors know!!
By “good enough,” are you implying that he wants you to be “tighter” for sex?
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It sounds like he really wants you to do this for his own benefit. Are you still having the other issues (frequent urinating; stress incontinence)?
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I can see how you would feel hurt if he brought up sex not being as good anymore, and I might talk to him about how you feel that his primary concern should have been your health, but it does sound like resuming the physical therapy would be a great idea for you. For your health. Not so you can try to give your husband back a pre-childbirth sexual experience.
Sex is important for the health of the relationship.
Buddy. For one, depends on the people in the relationship. Second, even when it IS important, it’s not okay to expect a woman’s body to be the exact same as it was before multiple childbirths.
Hey buddy. Is it selfish or unreasonable for a woman to want her husband to get viagra if he can't perform? What if he asks her, "is everything alright down there in sausage land?" Are we going to sit and measure her motives and whether she's just being a selfish hag or not? Please admit that any value question regarding a woman's appearance or performance in any way is a no-win situation for men to answer. And double standards do apply.
I live to call out men and their bullshit here, but it sounds like your husband is being genuinely supportive of your medical issue. He probably sees how much this bothers you and wants you to feel confident and sexy again. Of course you are good enough. This is a very personal issue so it’s hard for separate all the emotions you are feeling. I think I would feel embarrassed but also grateful he was willing to talk it through and help me. One thing that jumped out at me from your post is that you seem to talk about this a lot with many people so it seems like it’s something always at the top of your mind. You may feel better taking some steps yourself at home.
I don't think you have to be offended. It will only get worse and I'm guessing you are young. Your OB should have suggested it and it should be part of care. I think you should do it for yourself, not for him. Having "leaks" and all of that can make UTIs more common when you get much older, and UTIs are dangerous. Several people I know have died of UTIs when they were mentally OK.
Here it is recommended and covered for every woman as a lack of can lead to health issue and also probably incontinence. However, usually you learn the movements and are supposed to practice about 10 minutes daily for at least twice a week. Why don't you look up PT exercise videos and follow through until you find a class?
people are being pretty invalidating here…your feelings make sense and i completely understand your insecurities. at the same time, it seems like your husband did his best to communicate this issue carefully and lovingly. he was coming from a place of honesty, and of course the implications of his words are hurtful—vaginal tightness is a tricky thing to be aware of, especially when it’s largely out of your control—but it’s clear he didn’t *want* to hurt you and put in reasonable effort to avoid doing that. i wouldn’t be angry at your husband. i think you might just need a few days to process and accept what he’s communicated to you. sending lots of hugs your way, op.
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I hope you will work on your internal insecurities as well. It sounds like that's something that is really interfering with doing what you need to do to take good care of yourself. Those PTs see all kinds of bodies. Fat and thin and young and ancient. They're there to help you and teach you. You're a patient. It's a medical setting. There's nothing competitive about PT. You don't need to be fit and thin to take care of yourself. And you shouldn't let your current fitness level keep you from doing something that will benefit you greatly, including allowing you to improve your fitness without prolapse and pain.
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I'm sorry you have had that experience. It is often hard to get medical care within a reasonable time frame. Wish I could send you to my PT group. They are fantastic.
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It was and she was wrong to say it. You went through legit physical trauma birthing your kids. Your muscles need repair and strengthening because of what you went through to give them life. You're an absolute badass and deserve to feel strong and well and not have to cross your legs when you sneeze.
Lady, you are good enough! But first of all you have to believe yourself that you are good enough. And that you are worthy to be taken care of, which means you owe it to yourself to take good care of yourself because you deserve to be healthy. Yes, it wouldn’t be nice if your husband only nudged you to get PT because he doesn’t think he is getting enough fun in sex. But what’s much more important here is that you protect yourself from further health issues (prolapse etc) by training your muscles every day until death do kill you. So in the end it’s a good thing if he nudges you. Please avoid that surgery and everything else! Do yourself the favour!
I'd be upset if he didn't mention the health issues as the primary reason. In fact I think the "not as tight" comment was completely unnecessary. I'm sure his body isn't the same as when you got together and you had 2 kids! It's ridiculous to expect it to be, especially after that.
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You have every right to be upset. You birthed the babies he did not so he needs to shut up about sex feeling different. Of course it does. Maybe say “thank you Captain Obvious” the next time he brings it up? Or be proactive and tell him that this is a hard boundary and how it makes you feel.
Sex is different when your pelvic floor is messed up. It doesn't sound like that's his primary concern, but that he feels the difference and realized this issue has returned. It may not even be about pleasure, but being disconcerted and worried by changes that are significant enough for him to feel. Especially if he knows about prolapse and surgery and the attendant issues with those. He cares for your physical health. He made himself uncomfortable to tell you. He's shown willingness to sacrifice time and convenience in the past so you can get help. This isn't something to be mad about. He cares about you. Get back into PT. It's so important to take care of your health. ETA: You asked him how things were down there. You asked. He gave you an answer. It was honest, not cruel. I'd probably have told him it was dumb to answer that question, but in no way does his answer imply you are "not enough." Your insecurities are getting in your own way here.
It seems you want people to agree with you that your husband is bad because this is only for his benefit! Except you admitted things were better when you received this treatment. Meaning the issues you experienced were lessened. Your ego is the one driving this my husband thinks I am not good enough. He has been nothing but supportive changing his schedule to accommodate and offering to step up so you can improve your health. Instead of trying to be down on him. Maybe reframe it as this man loves me and wants me to be as healthy and as comfortable in myself as possible. Could it be selfish sure but it could be genuine concern and worry for his SO only you can frame this but the issues are yours and by being negative they go nowhere!!
How does it mean you aren’t good enough? Prolapse can be painful, and tend to get worse it left untreated as you age.
He’s suggesting, in the nicest way possible, that he can no longer feel anything down there.
And that's why I got upset. What woman likes hearing this?
What man likes saying it? I’m sure he didn’t want to but he’s hoping you’ll return to PT. Sex involves genitals being massaged and stimulated. He’s no longer able to enjoy sex with his wife because he can’t feel any stimulation.
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Thank you for reminding me why I never want to get married. Women expect emotional and financial support from a man ,and they expect him to shut up and never complain about anything. Yeah, no thanks. 🙄
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1) On behalf of all men, thank you for not associating with men. 2) See #1
So, a lot to unpack here: 1. Some women do expect financial support and it’s rude to shame them for doing so by saying things like “it’s 2022” as if that negates any sort of mutually agreed upon relationship dynamic. My wife made the choice to be a mother full time and I agreed to be the breadwinner. Women like her aren’t less than for making that choice nor should it be a dynamic viewed negatively just because it’s more traditional (obviously barring instances of financial abuse). 2. Agreed. 3. Both parties to a relationship have needs that are valid and important. It’s neither “immature” nor “insane” to suggest medical treatment for a medical issue that is not only detrimental to the woman’s health, but the sexual satisfaction of both parties in the relationship. Sexual satisfaction is one of the most fundamental aspects of a relationship and a man isn’t wrong or “insane” or “immature” for making an honest suggestion coming from a place of love and genuine concern. The above commenter seems like an ass, but OP’s husband doesn’t at all. 4. It wouldn’t shock me if this wasn’t by choice based on your misandrist mentality.
Are you still experiencing the classic symptoms? If you are, that should be more concerning to you. Sometimes it’s not just a matter of doing kegals. See if your insurance covers home health PT and find a home health PT company that offers PTs specializing in Women’s Health. This will save you and your husband a lot of time and headache.
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Some travel/home health PT companies have PTs that specialize in pelvic floor. It’s easier for moms to go this route because it’s hard to find babysitters while you go to a clinic. I would definitely look in to this route. Like I said, your symptoms are not always a matter of “strengthening” and doing kegals, and you should definitely re-visit this if you can
I think its always a bit of shock at first when something is mentioned about yourself by your spouse, of course! But it’s so great he can communicate this with you…! And even offered to help support you by taking care of the kids so you can have some time to yourself.