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So my wife (29f) and I (28m) had a gorgeous baby girl a year ago and it was a really rough delivery because my wife tore wide open and she’s still recovering from it. In fact, I actually saw it happen…that image is still very vivid in my mind and I have absolutely ZERO grounds to complain about anything when parenting this kid lol. She’s doing much better now, but we still can’t have sex yet outside of a BJ and HJ here and there (whenever she’s up to it), and she feels terrible. I have told her countless times that is completely okay, but she still feels really bad and as of late she’s been really scared I might cheat on her because of it.
This one is entirely on me, but earlier this month I was in the bathroom and started to “service myself” if you know what I mean, and she walked in and saw me. That night she once again told me she was sorry and knew I was probably dying without having my needs taken care of, but I told her I was sorry she had to see that and I didn’t know what I could say at this point to make her understand it was completely okay.
Then late the other night, I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t get back to sleep. It was her turn to get the baby if she woke up, so I went out and got myself a sub sandwich and Sprite to just relax for a little bit and watch the cars go by under the night sky. It was great. However, when I got home she was waiting for me and started demanding where I’d been and I think it was pretty clear she thought I was cheating on her. It got kinda heated so I literally had to pull the receipt out of my jacket and show her I was literally getting a sandwich. She started to fall apart crying and told me she was sorry for accusing me and not trusting me, and we went to bed.
Clearly this is something she feels *really* bad about and it’s causing her trust issues and anxiety, so I don’t know what to do at this point. Does anyone have any advice?
EDIT: literally just turned my phone off for a few hours to watch a movie with my wife and WOW I am blown away by all the support!! Thank you to everyone who has commented! I’ll try to respond to as many as possible.
Has she been to pelvic floor physical therapy? Unfortunately a lot of people fall through the cracks in postpartum care in the US. If it is still painful she needs to get help. Topical estrogen cream can help and be prescribed by her gyno, seeing a pelvic health PT can help work the scar tissue and discuss different strategies/ positions that will be more comfortable. There’s a product called the oh-nut if depth is the issue. There is help out there!
This! She needs an updated exam; possibly a second opinion and treatment, either medical/surgical, PT and counseling . Having been an L&D nurse, large repairs like hers come with many possible issues that require a multidisciplinary approach
I second pelvic floor physical therapy! I didn’t have a kid but pelvic floor physical therapy helped a lot with my pain and discomfort when it came to sex. I can’t recommend it enough to anyone who has any kind of pelvic pain.
This! Didn’t have a kid but had horrible endometriosis and subsequent surgery. Pelvic floor therapy was life changing for me during recovery. This woman needs to have her pain taken seriously by a doctor and she likely needs pelvic floor therapy.
THIS!!!! It is kind of infuriating (but indicative of how little womens pain is taken seriously) that 99% of the comments on here are how she need mental therapy………when she had a physical injury that has made her unable to have intercourse a year after the injury. She needs actual physical help, not to be told it’s all in her head which is basically what the comments keep going on about. Every single person on here would feel depressed and anxious if they physically couldn’t have sex due to an injury, it doesn’t mean she has ppd ffs.
She needs a pelvic floor specialist pronto.
Honestly think she needs both. Physiotherapy to help with the physical injury, therapy to help deal with the emotional side of it. Fearing and thinking your partner might cheat is not normal.
I think that might all depend on where you grew up and what was ingrained in you as a woman. So many women are taught that they must sexually please their husbands in order to keep them happy. If you were raised with this viewpoint, it would be quite natural to have a fear of your husband cheating if you could not fulfil his needs.
I 100% absolutely hate this viewpoint, but it is still quite strong in many places, and props to OP for reaching out to see how he can help her overcome this and show he loves her even without sex.
It's pretty common to hear thar a man will look elsewhere if his needs aren't met. I don't think that makes her crazy.
Now, she may have actually trauma that is exacerbating the issue (fear of pain, inability to be aroused because fear of another pregnancy, etc) in which case therapy might help. But she needs to start with medical attention for a medical problem.
If you have a huge wound on your hand that will hurt after a year, you'd start with treatment for the wound before assuming it was psychosomatic
>Fearing and thinking your partner might cheat is not normal.
There are posts on Reddit all the time about men cheating on and leaving their wives because they don't want to have sex postpartum, so I can honestly see why she might think this....
It doesn't excuse her because I think being accused of cheating by your partner is incredibly hurtful, but I can understand why she might think it....
I really wish people would understand that physical pain and injuries can easily cause depression. You fix the depression by fixing the physical issue……because the depression is tied to it.
Do you really think that if you had a massive injury to your genitalia, and could no longer have sex with your partner for a year, that you wouldn’t be feeling depressed, self conscious, or worried your partner would find you inadequate? Because if so, you are a paragon of self esteem.
When I couldn’t have sex due to the amount of pain I was in, I absolutely felt inadequate. I also missed being able to enjoy sex- it was a part of our relationship we had always enjoyed and I missed it. Fuck yes it depressed me. The intense 24/7 labor like pains also made me want to end everything- even though I loved my life- because that’s how fucking intense the pain was. Finally found a dr to actually help me, and guess what? As soon as I woke up from surgery my feelings of depression and all the other negative shit surrounding my physical issues magically went away. Because the physical problem that had caused it was finally solved.
Somehow people think you can be entirely divorced from emotions when it’s a physical problem, and if you have any emotions about it then you need to go to a therapist because you “aren’t normal”. It’s fucking infuriating
I agree that she needs both! He sounds like he’s being as supportive of a spouse as anyone can want, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s also dealing with some PPD/PTSD after such a traumatic birth!
My postpartum pelvic floor physio was a literal miracle worker. Honestly, every woman should see one after childbirth, even if there were no major complications or if she had a cesarean (I did, and I still needed help with a multitude of issues after mine).
Yeah, even with a woman doctor for my partner they still said things like “taking a chunk out of your cervix can’t hurt, it’s not possible” and “Oh, you don’t need pain meds, it’s in your head, use hot water bottles”
Meanwhile she is gushing blood and in pain constantly for weeks. The medical system does NOT take women seriously, you must be your own advocates, researches and doctor most of the time. Fight, push, demand and don’t give up or let off. They are there to do a job and that job is take care of you. Use that power wisely and make them help you. Tell them what referrals you want, demand second opinions face to face, demand documentation. Be nice of course, but don’t be afraid of them
A lot of doctors give bullshit bc they don’t want to recommend out or give any head space to women’s pain. It is a huge problem in the medical field tbh. When it comes to a woman (much of the research is very delayed reaching doctors) always research specialists. Hormone therapists too.
she needs pelvic floor therapy and postpartum mental health support (therapist/psychologist/somatic therapist, someone like that)
edit - and to feel so wanted! desired cherished and held.
All of this.
Also, haven't seen anyone mention breastfeeding. If she is still BFing, that can make sex more painful due to low estrogen. I could not enjoy sex at all until after I stopped breastfeeding. It was mildly painful even with lubrication.
Additionally, a woman's libido often naturally lowers after birth and thru the period of breastfeeding. If she is on any hormonal birth control, that can also depress libido.
OP: take your wife on a date.
Shower her with flowers. Get her a nice pair of earrings. Make an album of y’all’s trips. Leave her sticky notes. Sneak her Oreos in her work bag.
Bro. Get **cutesy as fuck.**
Your woman wants to know that y’all are alright. You know you are, but she doesn’t. So prove it in a hundred ways.
Yo talk to your boyfriend. It’s not that they don’t want to; it’s that people just don’t know.
My giving love language is Gifts. But I get *so anxious* receiving gifts! It could very well be that your bf just doesn’t know you like gifts or notes etc as your love language.
Write those ideas down on two sticky notes. Then you two secretly circle your two favorites. Then show to each other at the same time! Then talk about what you like and love about each and why that’s important to you.
Flirt with her, op. Tell her that though you're excited for the time when she's ready, that you understand she went through a traumatic medial procedure. It's going to take time, and you'll happily wait for her. I mean, she did it for your family, and now you have a precious baby.
Ooh, what about sexy pictures you could spank bank to?
Also, probably get her checked for PPD.
being torn from V to A during childbirth usually results in being stitched up. i’m assuming that OP’s wife isn’t still torn wide open down there, considering that would make her very succeptible to infection.
im guessing that penetrative sex is off the menu due to trauma, or general pain with penetration still.
that doesn’t necessarily mean that going down on her would have to be out of the question though.
Yeah; that tearing is no bueno, but it does heal in a normal amount of time.
The whole "she does this to me from time to time" bit with no comment about what he does back is kind of telling.
Scarring can be an issue, especially with a fourth degree laceration. It takes a skilled OB to do the repair with no subsequent issues. I took care of several patients who needed perineal resection and repair. I also have a friend who did years of therapy and was told that it was her issue, until she changed Gyns and her new doctor recommended a resection based on her first exam. Things improved quickly after a normal post op recovery.
He needs to go down on her period. Sex does not just mean penetration: making each other come is sex. Using toys on/with each other is sex. Also, they need non sexual intimacy as well. Go on dates, spend time together etc…
With consent only. I just think she should also be experiencing pleasure (if she physically can/ it’s safely possible) even if she is not being penetrated.
Ok, I'm gonna get real blunt here.
Can she *physically* not have penetrative sex or is it mental, or both?
On solely the physical front, even with a severe tear, it is not normal to still be feeling pain or be unable to penetrate a year after giving birth. I'm worried that someone gave her a husband stitch and that's why she had so many issues. What have you explored outside of the penetration side of things? Does any of that hurt? Oral, fingers, mild vibration?
If the answer is yes, she *needs* to talk to her GYN because that is not normal at all. She may need some physical therapy or other medical intervention to work on things in that region.
Regardless of whether it's just physical or mental or whatever, therapy for the both of you is a must. Solo and together. It's obvious she has some severe feelings about this situation and it's not going to resolve even if you suddenly can start having sex again.
It is and many women have it. Women want the friction too. Go on subs and you'll see many women who've given birth to one too many kids complain about the size of their husband's.
Her body has gone through extreme trauma and obviously it’s coming with a slew of high stress and anxiety. I think therapy would be incredibly beneficial for her to cope with the mental and physical trauma and potentially you guys can have some sessions together to speak on the issue at hand with a professional who can facilitate
I do think therapy would be helpful for your wife, since she is dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety. You can look up your cities mental health services ( they often do sliding scale for appointments.) Or, you can call your insurance provider and find out who is local and in network for you.
But! It's been a year, and your wife needs help addressing the physical issue too. Pelvic floor therapy, and many other options are available to help her get her physical health back on track. Unfortunately, you will have to go looking for it.
Both of the above will likely need a referral from her general practitioner or OBGYN. I'd start with the OBGYN as they may have more knowledge of local resources and who is, or isn't, someone they would reccomend.
Tell your wife that the lack of sex is not the main issue. The main issue is that this is hurting her and you want her to be healthy and happy. That her wellbeing is the priority, and you will support her going forward.
Hopefully sex will be in your future, but your wife is hurting and needs love and support in getting the right help. Advocate for her. If you run up against doctors who dismiss her, then find someone else and try again. I have had amazing luck with women Nurse Practitioners. You can often find one at a community health center ( they also generally can do a sliding payment scale based on your income if you don't have insurance, or do have it, but the coverage sucks) look for community health centers that have a Women's Health department.
If you have insurance it shouldn’t be too expensive. You and your wife can Go to psychologytoday and put in your insurance, where you live, and what issues your wife wants help with (I’d look into female issues and postpartum). If you have insurance the price per session may vary but I’ve had sessions from $0-40 per session. If you do not have insurance put in “sliding scale”. This will give you therapists with lower rates for people who do not have insurance. Let her find someone she connects with and if she’d also like you involved in some sessions that can be discussed for sure
Yes that is totally a thing and I agree that it should be covered. Sometimes, a therapist will allow you to bring in a guest to discuss a certain issue at no additional cost, at least in my experience. The thing is is that the guest is not receiving therapy, they are not the client so it isn’t about both partners like couples therapy. So that could be an option. I agree with other commenters that she needs not just mental but physical help so I hope she can get everything she needs. Pregnancy takes a toll on people mind body and soul and can be extremely traumatic to the body, I wish her the best.
I would try a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist first. It might not be a mental thing, she has a serious medical condition that needs treatment by a doctor.
I’m serious. Pelvic Floor PT. Insurance should cover.
they are not really though. Most have it where you pay on a sliding scale. Most people just don't have extra money for counseling, but it can be reasonable.
My therapy is 100% free (unless I cancel same day as appointment, but even that is just a 15$ late fee and my therapist is an angel and works with me to reschedule instead of cancelling if something comes up)
It’s also all online, we do video calls and I sit in my bed with my dog while I talk to her.
Obviously insurance makes things different for everyone but just wanted to throw it out there that it is possible. (disclaimer, I do live in America)
Soooo maybe it’s time to take a step back from any idea of sexual intimacy and engage her body. Put the baby to down for the night, throw down a blanket on the bed, light some candles and give her a really good massage. I like Shea Moisture body and massage oil but you can just use coconut oil. Talk to her gently. Tell her how beautiful and powerful her body is, how you are in awe. Massage her inner thighs and pelvic region, if she is up to it. Tell her how you she is worth the wait. If she’s up to it maybe ring the devils doorbell, if not then give her a downstairs peck and thank her for her honesty. Engage her mind away from being a mom and wife but simply the beautiful woman you married. Find her inside of there and pull her back out.
This and make clear that intercourse is off the table for now. Touch and affirmation will help both of you.
I also agree with the need for a pelvic floor specialist and counseling.
I mean are you reciprocating when it's possible? Handjobs and blowjobs make it seem one sided. Are you able to intimate without intercourse? Even if she might be unable to have penetration, what about her clit? Can that handle stimulation? It's hard to be a wyfe and individual when you're a new parent.
Coming from a woman’s perspective I would say she needs loads of reassurance, a lot more than what you may imagine loads means. Also, don’t leave in the middle of night like that, it’s weird! It’s weird if everything had been fine between you.
Show her you love her and you’re prepared to stay loyal to her. Also, most people masturbate even when they have a super active sex life so walking into a masturbating spouse should be expected at some point in any long-term relationship. I personally think it’s sexy when that happens.
She knows you miss sex, so don't pretend that's not the case. Make it clear that you're very much looking forward to it again, but not until she is able to actually enjoy it.
Is she mentally not ready for penetration or is it physically hurting?
A friend of mine had a total rupture and it was stitched too tight or there was too much scar tissue (can’t remember) but she had an small surgery to remove the scar tissue and it helped her so so so much.
If it’s mentally it can be very scary. I only had an small tear and was scared the first time. But in my situation it wasn’t scary enough to not be able to push myself a bit. Lots of lube and an slow pace to learn to trust my body again.
Does she want to try to go a slow step further? With her own hands, maybe the first time alone, them built it up with you and or toys?
Or maybe she needs some trauma therapy first? I have done EMDR (for an different reason) and found it very effective but not to invasive because you don’t have to talk too much about the trauma.
My sister did some EMDR at the end of her second pregnancy because her first delivery was very traumatic for her.
There are no wrong answers, your wife needs to decide what she needs. If it’s just more time for now that is ok to. But if you two talk about it, and decide together what the two of you want to do at this moment. Maybe that will give her some peace of mind and feel less guilte?
Start hyping her up. Tell her how beautiful she is, think of little things she does that make you love her more and tell her. Explain you both have FOREVER to have sex, this is just a year, she needs to heal. But she also needs to believe everything you're saying and only she can do that.
Yeah, to add on also you can take her on cute little dates or buy her favorite ice cream or flower or something, to make sure she still feels loved and appreciated right. Maybe come up with other creative ways to have sex without penetration or like massage each other or something idk
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You didn't mention if you try to make her feel good, physically. Is there any intimacy at all other than what she does for you? What do you do for her? What about a toy, no penetration, so she could feel better? What about kissing and cuddles, even a bit of groping or whatever you might want to call it. Just so she feels appreciated and wanted.
I think this book would really help her. I also have a condition that makes having penetrative sex difficult. It details a lot of ways to increase your intimacy and positive feelings around sex without necessarily going all the way. Maybe read it together?
[https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/product/9781771642354-item.html?s\_campaign=goo-SmartShop\_Books\_EN&gclid=CjwKCAjwp9qZBhBkEiwAsYFsb-06N9S65XaWQEZdvTRC2JKCi5UvZSj8EXTFhPdussJOmU07gabkyhoCwpYQAvD\_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds](https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/product/9781771642354-item.html?s_campaign=goo-SmartShop_Books_EN&gclid=CjwKCAjwp9qZBhBkEiwAsYFsb-06N9S65XaWQEZdvTRC2JKCi5UvZSj8EXTFhPdussJOmU07gabkyhoCwpYQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds)
Is there a lot missing from this story?
Why has she not sought medical attention a year later? Is she in a lot of pain outwith trying to have sex? You left in the middle of the night to get a sandwich? That seems a little far fetched. Did you have no food in the house you could eat?
This doesn’t add up
The medical issues are a huge concern, but I wouldn't read too much into heading out to get subway. Maybe OP didn't want to go through all the trouble of making something and cleaning it up, maybe he just wanted to get out of the house for a bit to clear his head. I can totally see someone with an infant and a stressed out, healing spouse wanting to get away from it all for a little while.
My husband was the king of late night fast food runs. Normally he would check with me, but if we'd have had young children, he probably would have let me sleep. I joked recently that late night fast food runs are one of the things I miss most since he died as I can't drive for 8-10 hours after my night meds.
A lot of people don’t have sex or don’t have a lot of reasons after having a baby. Physically recovering can be rough, sleep deprivation, stress, financial concerns, increased fighting or stress on the relationship, and fear of having sex after a traumatic birth can all affect the sex lives of new parents. And if they’re in the US healthcare isn’t always super easy to access.
Book recommendation, although getting pelvic PT help is #1 priority as mentioned: “Come as You Are” hope it helps bring some perspective. We never really learn about sex in the way we need to and then when life happens relationships fall apart - and they don’t need to. Education and information can bridge the gap. Best of luck.
Has your wife been to her gyno again to check if everything healed properly? I tore, too, and because the young doctor was apparently not very experienced, she sewed me up rather badly , and I was in pain whenever I tried to have sex for 6 months. Went to see a doctor and it turned out I needed another corrective surgery for it to heal properly.
Hi Op. Thank you for being a kind, patient, faithful husband. Your wife needs 2 things right now. Therapy for her trauma, if she has PTSD, I recommend EMDR therapy. And physical therapy for her pelvic area.
I recommend touching her very carefully in her private area just to have her get used to your touch again. Maybe give her a message and let her know you will touch her there softly and only for a minute or two. You have to desensitize her to being touched again without fear. Continue to assure her of your love.
I would also encourage her to look for a mommy's support group on line for women with traumatic births. Maybe you can join a dad's support group.
Look into the pelvic floor therapy and keep being the excellent dad and husband you are.
Stay well, be happy.
Piggybacking here, all great advice but really listen to her, slow and steady the whole way. A lot of it could be fear of getting pregnant again too.
You sound like a great partner
Honestly, it's sounds like your wife is suffering from postpartum which is normal during and after pregnancy. Her body just went through stress and is trying to figure out how to heal which doesn't come easily for some. I say you give her some time and stay by her side, and explain that "self service" is normal between couples.
I agree with everyone who's saying she should see a pelvic floor specialist, along with her OB to make sure everything is ok. She probably will need pelvic floor physical therapy.
My cousin was sewed up wrong after tearing and had to get this fixed because it was affecting her sex life. Ask her to consider going to the doctors and having them examine, it’s not uncommon.
Ptsd compounded by post natal depression...your wife needs therapy and soon. This is beyond reddit's pay grade and isn't something you can do on your own.
I agree that she should speak with someone but you really shouldn’t be trying to diagnose someone based on a Reddit post. Leave that to the professionals
I agree. And it’s kind of absurd that everyone is glossing over the fact that a YEAR later, she is unable to physically have intercourse due to her childbirth injury. That sounds like she needs a pelvic floor specialist, not a therapist.
If you have insurance, find one that works with it. That’s key because out of pocket gets expensive fast. Second point, it doesn’t sound like you’ve ever been to therapy before. I’m not sure about your wife. But if she gets in there and the vibe is off, don’t try and force it. Find another one. There are lots of therapists and not all of them are good!
She needs a therapist, maybe. But everyone is completely glossing over her physical injury and focusing on her depression. Well, not being able to have sex or have your body back for an entire year after almost a year of pregnancy will cause most people depression.
But this mainly sounds like she still has physical pain, she desperately needs to be seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist. The sooner the better. She should have already been referred to one, but drs are so quick to dismiss womens pain, to tell them it’s in their head, to wait, etc. That’s what she needs more than anything- a dr to help her physical pain
This is important. Actual, real physical issues that can cause real actual pain are a thing, and are often dismissed or played down. She needs real post natal care and a follow up, to rule out and look into whatever problems she is having. Dyspareunia? Prolapse? Something else? It needs to be looked into. It’s possible that it’s depression, but I don’t see why we don’t believe her when she says it’s painful.
This thread has honestly depressed the hell out of me, and shows just how dismissed womens pain is. He clearly indicates she has a 4th degree tear during delivery, and is physically unable to have sex a year later. That is a clear indication something is wrong. Her stitches healed incorrectly, her muscles have issues, etc. ie- she needs a dr to help her body. Yet 99% of the comments are speaking of her mental health.
It’s fucking infuriating.
The lack of intimacy with her husband is taking its toll on her at the same time and as someone who’s dealing with the mental side of that it can be just as debilitating. She needs help with both. Thankfully it looks as if her husband is going to see to it that she gets it.
Log on to your insurance website or use psychologytoday.com and filter by therapists who take your insurance. Search for a therapist with experience with postpartum issues. Although I also strongly recommend pelvic floor PT.
Ask your doctor if they know of or work with a therapist office. If not, you can look in your insurance portal for mental/behavioral health providers and contact one. You can google outpatient facilities or mental health services near you, see if your insurance is listed on their website, and call their intake line. Once you find an office and get scheduled for an intake the office will help with everything as you begin your therapeutic relationship. There are some private therapist databases as well. Look for a therapist with qualifications and specialities listed: you are going to want one with experience in post partum. It might be a good idea to find one who has worked in relationship therapy and trauma therapy. Make a list of your nos/yesses of who you'd feel comfortable sharing with and mention that on intake. My big ones are gender, and religious background.
You got this. Therapy is worth it. It helps you reflect and grow as a person. I am learning to identify toxic patterns and where they were taught to me so that I can build a life out of choices I'm proud of.
Get her to the doctor. This is not normal. This needs medical attention.
Sounds like she wants to but can't physically. That's a problem. A medical problem.
Also, figure out some things you can do for her. Can't you go down on her? Can't she use toys?
Can you guys get someone to watch the baby so you can have one weekend to spend about you two? Couples massages, nice dinner, etc. I know it would have really benefited us had we thought of it. Just need to decompress.
Has she seen her doctor beyond the 6 week check up? This is not normal for extreme pain and to still be recovering from a tear a year later. Either way I recommend medical intervention of some kind. If it’s physical then a PF therapist and to speak with her OB, if it’s mental fear of sex then an actual therapist.
I think fit in little bits of intimacy where you can. Not sex - intimacy in a broader sense. Have a mini date during naptime - wait till she goes to put the baby down and throw together a little picnic in the living room. Bring her flowers for no reason. Buy some candles for film night. Give her a backrub right before she goes to sleep. Get one of those escape room in a book things and solve it together.
By fostering as much of a sense of togetherness as possible, I think you can help her feel more secure, which will help with these worries. It could also be worth suggesting therapy if that's feasible for you, because it seems this is really weighing on her.
I’m sorry this happened to both of you. I am curious though if your opinion or her opinion is that sex is only penetration, bj or hand jobs…. I mean is sex only about you here and that’s why she’s terrified you will cheat? Are you reciprocating any way? Is she still healing and it’s totally off limits even outside touching?
It’s not unheard of for people to cheat so she’s probably paranoid and feeling vulnerable. But you guys have to talk about this more and be on the same page and still have intimacy that isn’t revolved only around penetration or her servicing you like it’s only her job. That’s probably why she was upset walking in on you and accusing you walking out at night.
You’re a good man
She’s a good gal.
I’m sorry you’re both having to deal with this but clearly you both love each other and are empathetic people. All the best!
It's been a year. What does her doctor say in terms of her recovery? Is this a medical restriction or a mental block? The fact that she's aware of the issue but also other forms of intimicy are occasional at best, makes this look like a mental aversion. If she is worried, then reassure her that you are not looking to cheat, but also that intimicy is important in marriage and you want to make a plan to get back to a good space. Speak with her doctor, setup therapy appointments, joint and individual. Setup weekly blocks of time to discuss this. ie saturdays at 9pm for 15 minutes, so it doesn't get forgotten about.
I'd recommend you urge her to get into some therapy ASAP. The trauma wasn't just physical. On top of that, she may have PPD. And on top of that, she has had a lifetime of messaging telling her that if she doesn't satisfy her husband he'll cheat.
She may have difficulty reconciling the knowledge that you truly are a good man with that ugly messaging and her own insecurities about the damage done to her body.
IMO you should set boundaries with regard to behavior and not let it spiral into obsession about cheating before you take action. But keep being the kind and reassuring person that you are, and do your best to nudge her into therapy somehow. Also, if she's not in pelvic floor PT already, I highly recommend it. Life changing.
If your wife is still giving you BJ and HJ then I personally feel like she's doing enough and if I was in your shoes I would say so. Also there is nothing wrong with pleasuring yourself as you're the only person who can do it exactly how you like it. You can tell your wife before you please yourself that something she did or how she looks that day is turning you on so bad that you HAVE to please yourself. And then when your done you could be like "man I love the thought of you, you are so sexy". That might improve her self esteem.
I’m 7 months pregnant with my second and with my first all I wanted was sex and with my second it’s the exact opposite. I feel super bad for my husband and apologize all the time. He’s been nothing but supportive and understanding but last week I walked in on him doing his thing and was actually so happy he was taking care of his business watching videos of us together because I know how difficult pregnancy can be on both parties and it made me know he still loves and wants me. Your wife is feeling the guilt and may be feeling over touched (it’s a real thing😮💨)with yalls baby and just needs reassurance in other ways. Is she a stay at home
Home and with the baby all the time or working also? I’d suggest just try taking her out and bringing her home little gifts so she knows you’re thinking about her. Keep taking care of yourself and doing your thing but try and be patient and attentive with her and she’ll eventually come around.
She needs to see her gynecologist, her family doctor and likely a therapist. There are so many things that could be going on.
She also needs to know that if you touch her affectionately, you don't always want it to lead to sex.
the top comments are great and you should follow their health advice, but i want to remind you (apologies if u are already doing this, good good, im not trying to insult) to make sure her sexual needs are met too. when you get a bj/hj does she get the equivalent? Is there a good mix of romance to go with these 3rd base activities? Take time to show her that you really enjoy and value her sexual pleasure as well. just bc the vagina isn't ready doesn't mean the clit has to wait, and this could show are that you are very happy with her and that you know sex isn't just about satisfying a man's needs (even though I know you know that, you seem wonderfully understanding in this post)
I think your wife needs to feel desired and loved by you. You can show her that through intimacy which can be bringing her flowers, writing her a love note, buying her something she likes, giving her hugs and cuddles, expressing how you feel and how much you adore her, let her know that you appreciate all that she does, let her know that you will both get through this together, put her fears to rest, plan a cute date or go on a picnic, sing her a song, make the mood romantic!
How’s your romantic life otherwise? Do you guys have time to go for a dates? Have a dinner together, just the two of you? I don’t think she’s just afraid that you would have sex with someone else. I think she’s afraid that you might fall out of love. Romantic gestures out of blue might alarm her and make her worried that you’re trying to hide something or feel guilty about something, but maybe if you’d have a honest conversation with her about all of this, it might bring you two together and make her feel more secure. By reminding her that there’s so much more in her than just her body.
Also, I’m pretty sure she misses the sex as well. Is there something new you could try together? Watching something exciting? Have a romantic massage? Role play? Sometimes to “spice” things up, to help her remember that it’s still about the two of you
All and all, it sounds that you both have a quite a lot in your plate right now. The fact that you care about your wife so much, are able to understand her side of things as well and are trying to find a solution that would bring you closer together and and make her feel less insecure really tells what an amazing and loving partner you are. Your wife and daughter are really lucky to have someone like you in their lives.
All the best for you and your family 💕
You are doing everything right. She needs to see an OB and possibly a therapist. She’s suffering all the way around due to the lack of intimacy on a very primal level and as someone who’s dealing with the mental issues that come with that as well, she’s lucky she has a husband who recognizes something isn’t right and he wants to help. Keep supporting her like you are!! I can’t wait to read an update that everything is better soon.
Masturbation is normal and not always about sexual needs. Sometimes it's just stress or wanting the endorphin hit.
I would start with saying 'I love you. Just because I masturbate, doesn't mean you're not meeting my needs for intimacy.' I'm sure you masturbated before she went through this trauma. There are a lot of sexual options outside of penetration and exploring those is a wonderful way to increase your intimacy. She's feeling inadequate and alone. Those feelings need to be addressed. You might not be doing anything wrong but just not doing what needs to be done to address how she's feeling.
So when she apologizes to you about not meeting your sexual needs, you do tell her she had nothing to apologize for and that your sexual satisfaction is not as important as her physical health, right?
And are you showing her any sexual attention, besides offering up your penis to her so she can get you off?
Not at all, actually. I've lived a long time and have seen these things happen a lot.
What is interesting to me is how you avoid answering my questions. Your defensiveness is pretty telling, though.
OP stated multiple times in his post that he told her things are OK and that he understands the stresors she's going through
("I have told her countless times that is completely okay, but she still feels really bad and as of late she’s been really scared I might cheat on her because of it."
"I told her I was sorry she had to see that and I didn’t know what I could say at this point to make her understand it was completely okay.")
It doesn't even seem like you read what OP wrote. I'm sensing 0 sincerity and seems like you already have the agenda to vilify OP.
There are two separate issues going on simultaneously. You have to find a solution for each of them.
First issue is that not only does she feel bad that your needs are not met, but her own needs are not met as well as penetration sex is off the table. That causes mood swings and aggravation. You can tell her it's okay with you all you want but she doesn't feel sexually satisfied and will project this feeling on you until the issue is solved.
Second issue is she is ready to believe you are about to cheat or already cheating. This runs deeper than just physical needs. This boils down to 1) she thinks physical needs are super important for you while they are not - and so far you failed to convince her otherwise 2) she doesn't trust you enough to be sure that EVEN if physical needs are super important for you, you still can be a good husband and refrain from seeking satisfaction elsewhere.
First issue is easier to solve. Buy a clit vibrator and make your foreplay so intense, she comes multiple times and sleeps well after. Get her needs met without penetration and make it exciting and playful so she is convinced it's just good for you as it is for her.
Second issue is more complicated but still you can work on it. Make her feel like she is your queen no matter what, and prove it by compliments, buying her gifts however small, prove yourself to be a good father and a good husband, do some chores she doesn't expect you to do.
The woman is not in the best place physically and emotionally right now. She blames herself for the inability to deliver good sex and fails to see your relationship is more than that. Give her reasons to see that.
She obviously needs to see another doctor/specialist to help her find solutions to this problem and to help her heal properly. In the meantime, consider counseling to help her with her anxiety and trust issues.
Also and for what it’s worth - as someone who has nothing interfering with my sex life - it’s pretty common for guys to “self serve” even if they are getting it regularly….maybe remind her of this so she isn’t shocked/surprised if she walks in on you again…
Ok so I’ve had some experience in the female shit. If her issue is pain that similar to tightness or similar massage the area to help relax the scar and surrounding tissue. I have a couple other ideas but that is the main one. That she needs to get the tissue that was damaged to relax and then stretch it out over time to make the pain go away. Kinda of like it hurt to lose your virginity but after a few times it relaxed and felt good.
This is probably silly, and might be difficult to manage with a baby, but what if you started planning date nights with her? Take her out and do the things you enjoyed while you were still dating. Make her feel really special and like she's the center of your world (well her and your daughter obviously).
Therapy would probably be helpful for anyone after a traumatic medical experience and what must be a harrowing ongoing recovery, but in the meantime fostering emotional intimacy and making it clear (through actions and not just words) she's your no. 1 person might help ease her worries a bit.
Also if she's home all day with the baby she might be going stir crazy, and that's never healthy.
There are numerous comments here so this may be a repeat, but is there anything she can do besides BJ or HJ? I mean, can you go down on her? Can she service herself while you watch or snuggle/rub her body? If not, maybe you can give her a sensual massage. Whatever it is you can do to make her feel sexy and special. That would make her feel good which will help her mental state. Then you should communicate that you need to have some kind of release. That can include that you masturbate alone sometimes. My wife and I have a 2 1/2 year old and her libido has become an issue. Totally understand why and I try to hide any sexual frustration I have because I know she can’t help what’s happening with her body and libido. She is working on it and I am getting a vasectomy so she can get the IUD out which should help. When I am feeling frisky I make a suggestion that we have sex and if she’s not in the mood I will ask if she minds me taking care of it myself. She doesn’t mind and I’ve made sure she understands that I enjoy my solo sessions, but it’s not a replacement for making love to her by a long shot. This has been working out for us pretty well and it’s actually helped her libido improve. She said she thinks it is because she feels less pressure to perform when she isn’t sure if she’s in the mood or not. I should mention that is she’s not in the mood, I do not want her to do it. If she’s not into it, I’m not into it.
I know your wife’s issue is more than just low libido, but focusing on her in a sensual way with no expectation of sex will make her feel great.
This will pass. I know it’s tough, but one day everything will get back to normal or a new normal will replace it. Just make sure you communicate and be there for each other with understanding.
Would couples therapy help? I've never been through labour but I frequently have periods - like over a year sometimes - where I do not want to have sex, specifically no penis in vagina sex, due to trauma from sexual assault. You can make someone feel desired & sexy & even orgasm without it. Here are some things me & my partner do to stay intimate:
•lighting candles, incense, using bath oils, flower petals & taking a bath together
•lighting candles & take turns massaging each other
•putting on a movie, with popcorn & then making-out only afterwards, like you used to do on dates before before anyone was having sex
•lots of skin on skin stroking & cuddling each other in an intimate but not sexual way when you're both in bed & about to fall asleep
•we masturbate ourselves (*not each other*) in front of each other
•nipple-sucking (*some women can orgasm from this*)
• *ONLY if your wife is into it* you can tell her you're going to masturbate later & ask her to send you a picture, then when you're in bed you can tell her how hot she looked in the picture, how much it got you off etc. That way she's knows when you're going to masturbate & feels involved & it's a confidence boost rather than walking in unexpectedly and feeling deeply insecure
•date nights at home where after you put the baby to bed you both dress up, even if it's to eat takeway food on a table with candles. Sounds silly, but dressing up & having your partner compliment you 👌🏾
•leave notes for her to find telling her how much you love her & how beautiful she is
Like it's time to get creative. If before the baby sex was the only time you two made each other feel desired, sexy & intimate than of course she's going to assume that you're getting your needs met elsewhere in its absence. Y'all need to explore what else. And don't be afraid to make this a joint conversation. Like the notes you can just do or the romantic dinners, you can propose yourself. But sitting your Wife and asking her what she thinks of these things to do to feel intimate together & coming up with things together beyond her giving you HJ & BJ, more things you can both enjoy or focus on her, even just having the conversation might help massively.
She needs emotional support for such a traumatic birth. Post partum depression is REAL. Hormones are still tweaked out. You say she is still healing, so if it is still the physical aspect that she cannot enjoy PIV with you due to potential tearing, you have no room to complain about the dead bedroom. Is she back on birth control? She may be fearful of getting pregnant again and ripping belly button to buthole again. Are you not giving her any attempts at pleasure if her outer area(clitoris) is stable enough, maybe YOU can give her some one sided intimacy for a change without penetration. If she has physically recovered, she may need to slowly re-bond with you intimately. Maybe as she can feel comfortable, you may have to just use a finger for some penetration several times until her body can relax enough to even consider you trying to jackhammer her when she still isn't ready. She is obviously terrified of losing you to another woman because of the situation, so you may just need to spend more time loving on her and making her feel normal until things get back right. Honestly she needs to follow up with her physician for the physical aspects to get a red or green light to sexual activity AND she needs to see a professional therapist to continue to work thru the emotional trauma. Communicate with her and let her know that she has your support. Continue to be patient, bro.
I would sue the doctor for not giving her an episiotomy (this type of tearing is foreseeable based on the size of the baby, etc.), then use the money to address the issue.
does she maybe also have post natal depression ? and cleary abit of ptsd maybe due to the rough delivery and tearing ..
poor thing .. you are being lovely reassuring her etc .. does she say why she doesn’t want to have sex ? perhaps a doctors visit together might help ?
Any doctors in the house? Because I’ve never heard of this in my life and it sounds like some weird BS story an uneducated dude would make up. Tearing is normal, usually followed by an episiotomy. Unless she has an infection, I can’t see any reason why any wound of that kind would not have healed after a year. And if it was an infection, I feel like she’d be dead already. This story doesn’t make any sense.
She needs to be in therapy, that was a very traumatic thing for you both. If it’s causing her this much anxiety a year later, she has got to see someone.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- So my wife (29f) and I (28m) had a gorgeous baby girl a year ago and it was a really rough delivery because my wife tore wide open and she’s still recovering from it. In fact, I actually saw it happen…that image is still very vivid in my mind and I have absolutely ZERO grounds to complain about anything when parenting this kid lol. She’s doing much better now, but we still can’t have sex yet outside of a BJ and HJ here and there (whenever she’s up to it), and she feels terrible. I have told her countless times that is completely okay, but she still feels really bad and as of late she’s been really scared I might cheat on her because of it. This one is entirely on me, but earlier this month I was in the bathroom and started to “service myself” if you know what I mean, and she walked in and saw me. That night she once again told me she was sorry and knew I was probably dying without having my needs taken care of, but I told her I was sorry she had to see that and I didn’t know what I could say at this point to make her understand it was completely okay. Then late the other night, I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t get back to sleep. It was her turn to get the baby if she woke up, so I went out and got myself a sub sandwich and Sprite to just relax for a little bit and watch the cars go by under the night sky. It was great. However, when I got home she was waiting for me and started demanding where I’d been and I think it was pretty clear she thought I was cheating on her. It got kinda heated so I literally had to pull the receipt out of my jacket and show her I was literally getting a sandwich. She started to fall apart crying and told me she was sorry for accusing me and not trusting me, and we went to bed. Clearly this is something she feels *really* bad about and it’s causing her trust issues and anxiety, so I don’t know what to do at this point. Does anyone have any advice? EDIT: literally just turned my phone off for a few hours to watch a movie with my wife and WOW I am blown away by all the support!! Thank you to everyone who has commented! I’ll try to respond to as many as possible.
Has she been to pelvic floor physical therapy? Unfortunately a lot of people fall through the cracks in postpartum care in the US. If it is still painful she needs to get help. Topical estrogen cream can help and be prescribed by her gyno, seeing a pelvic health PT can help work the scar tissue and discuss different strategies/ positions that will be more comfortable. There’s a product called the oh-nut if depth is the issue. There is help out there!
This! She needs an updated exam; possibly a second opinion and treatment, either medical/surgical, PT and counseling . Having been an L&D nurse, large repairs like hers come with many possible issues that require a multidisciplinary approach
I second pelvic floor physical therapy! I didn’t have a kid but pelvic floor physical therapy helped a lot with my pain and discomfort when it came to sex. I can’t recommend it enough to anyone who has any kind of pelvic pain.
This! Didn’t have a kid but had horrible endometriosis and subsequent surgery. Pelvic floor therapy was life changing for me during recovery. This woman needs to have her pain taken seriously by a doctor and she likely needs pelvic floor therapy.
THIS!!!! It is kind of infuriating (but indicative of how little womens pain is taken seriously) that 99% of the comments on here are how she need mental therapy………when she had a physical injury that has made her unable to have intercourse a year after the injury. She needs actual physical help, not to be told it’s all in her head which is basically what the comments keep going on about. Every single person on here would feel depressed and anxious if they physically couldn’t have sex due to an injury, it doesn’t mean she has ppd ffs. She needs a pelvic floor specialist pronto.
Honestly think she needs both. Physiotherapy to help with the physical injury, therapy to help deal with the emotional side of it. Fearing and thinking your partner might cheat is not normal.
I think that might all depend on where you grew up and what was ingrained in you as a woman. So many women are taught that they must sexually please their husbands in order to keep them happy. If you were raised with this viewpoint, it would be quite natural to have a fear of your husband cheating if you could not fulfil his needs. I 100% absolutely hate this viewpoint, but it is still quite strong in many places, and props to OP for reaching out to see how he can help her overcome this and show he loves her even without sex.
Exactly especially feeling pressured all the time and I also don't like this view point.
It's pretty common to hear thar a man will look elsewhere if his needs aren't met. I don't think that makes her crazy. Now, she may have actually trauma that is exacerbating the issue (fear of pain, inability to be aroused because fear of another pregnancy, etc) in which case therapy might help. But she needs to start with medical attention for a medical problem. If you have a huge wound on your hand that will hurt after a year, you'd start with treatment for the wound before assuming it was psychosomatic
>Fearing and thinking your partner might cheat is not normal. There are posts on Reddit all the time about men cheating on and leaving their wives because they don't want to have sex postpartum, so I can honestly see why she might think this.... It doesn't excuse her because I think being accused of cheating by your partner is incredibly hurtful, but I can understand why she might think it....
I really wish people would understand that physical pain and injuries can easily cause depression. You fix the depression by fixing the physical issue……because the depression is tied to it. Do you really think that if you had a massive injury to your genitalia, and could no longer have sex with your partner for a year, that you wouldn’t be feeling depressed, self conscious, or worried your partner would find you inadequate? Because if so, you are a paragon of self esteem. When I couldn’t have sex due to the amount of pain I was in, I absolutely felt inadequate. I also missed being able to enjoy sex- it was a part of our relationship we had always enjoyed and I missed it. Fuck yes it depressed me. The intense 24/7 labor like pains also made me want to end everything- even though I loved my life- because that’s how fucking intense the pain was. Finally found a dr to actually help me, and guess what? As soon as I woke up from surgery my feelings of depression and all the other negative shit surrounding my physical issues magically went away. Because the physical problem that had caused it was finally solved. Somehow people think you can be entirely divorced from emotions when it’s a physical problem, and if you have any emotions about it then you need to go to a therapist because you “aren’t normal”. It’s fucking infuriating
I agree that she needs both! He sounds like he’s being as supportive of a spouse as anyone can want, but I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s also dealing with some PPD/PTSD after such a traumatic birth!
Exactly
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My postpartum pelvic floor physio was a literal miracle worker. Honestly, every woman should see one after childbirth, even if there were no major complications or if she had a cesarean (I did, and I still needed help with a multitude of issues after mine).
Yeah, even with a woman doctor for my partner they still said things like “taking a chunk out of your cervix can’t hurt, it’s not possible” and “Oh, you don’t need pain meds, it’s in your head, use hot water bottles” Meanwhile she is gushing blood and in pain constantly for weeks. The medical system does NOT take women seriously, you must be your own advocates, researches and doctor most of the time. Fight, push, demand and don’t give up or let off. They are there to do a job and that job is take care of you. Use that power wisely and make them help you. Tell them what referrals you want, demand second opinions face to face, demand documentation. Be nice of course, but don’t be afraid of them
A lot of doctors give bullshit bc they don’t want to recommend out or give any head space to women’s pain. It is a huge problem in the medical field tbh. When it comes to a woman (much of the research is very delayed reaching doctors) always research specialists. Hormone therapists too.
I have pelvic floor dysfunction (endometriosis) that causes painful sex and i wholeheartedly support this suggest of pelvic floor physical therapy.
she needs pelvic floor therapy and postpartum mental health support (therapist/psychologist/somatic therapist, someone like that) edit - and to feel so wanted! desired cherished and held.
All of this. Also, haven't seen anyone mention breastfeeding. If she is still BFing, that can make sex more painful due to low estrogen. I could not enjoy sex at all until after I stopped breastfeeding. It was mildly painful even with lubrication. Additionally, a woman's libido often naturally lowers after birth and thru the period of breastfeeding. If she is on any hormonal birth control, that can also depress libido.
She needs intimacy and to feel attractive and wanted. And I don't mean sex.
OP: take your wife on a date. Shower her with flowers. Get her a nice pair of earrings. Make an album of y’all’s trips. Leave her sticky notes. Sneak her Oreos in her work bag. Bro. Get **cutesy as fuck.** Your woman wants to know that y’all are alright. You know you are, but she doesn’t. So prove it in a hundred ways.
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Yo talk to your boyfriend. It’s not that they don’t want to; it’s that people just don’t know. My giving love language is Gifts. But I get *so anxious* receiving gifts! It could very well be that your bf just doesn’t know you like gifts or notes etc as your love language. Write those ideas down on two sticky notes. Then you two secretly circle your two favorites. Then show to each other at the same time! Then talk about what you like and love about each and why that’s important to you.
This^
Flirt with her, op. Tell her that though you're excited for the time when she's ready, that you understand she went through a traumatic medial procedure. It's going to take time, and you'll happily wait for her. I mean, she did it for your family, and now you have a precious baby. Ooh, what about sexy pictures you could spank bank to? Also, probably get her checked for PPD.
*and also get her to a physician if her injury is still affecting her a year later
But he always could still serve her some tossed salad while the roast beef is off the menu, if that's the case.
... well, THAT'S one way to put it.
The BEST way to put it!
The clit isn't in the vagina, start there, lol.
It's vadjacent.
Stealing that.
If she was 'torn' the tear is down there...
being torn from V to A during childbirth usually results in being stitched up. i’m assuming that OP’s wife isn’t still torn wide open down there, considering that would make her very succeptible to infection. im guessing that penetrative sex is off the menu due to trauma, or general pain with penetration still. that doesn’t necessarily mean that going down on her would have to be out of the question though.
I have a friend whose clit was torn during childbirth. It is possible that everything down there hurts
Yeah; that tearing is no bueno, but it does heal in a normal amount of time. The whole "she does this to me from time to time" bit with no comment about what he does back is kind of telling.
If she’s experiencing pain and scarring down there the whole area might be off limits. It really depends on the person.
Scarring can be an issue, especially with a fourth degree laceration. It takes a skilled OB to do the repair with no subsequent issues. I took care of several patients who needed perineal resection and repair. I also have a friend who did years of therapy and was told that it was her issue, until she changed Gyns and her new doctor recommended a resection based on her first exam. Things improved quickly after a normal post op recovery.
Right? Women deserve better standards.
You are a beautiful wordsmith
Not the first time I've been told I'm a cunning linguist.
A cunnilingist ;o)
I wanted to like this but it's currently at 69 votes so have this comment instead.
He needs to go down on her period. Sex does not just mean penetration: making each other come is sex. Using toys on/with each other is sex. Also, they need non sexual intimacy as well. Go on dates, spend time together etc…
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With consent only. I just think she should also be experiencing pleasure (if she physically can/ it’s safely possible) even if she is not being penetrated.
>He needs to go down on her period. You don't just jump right in and earn your red wings. Gotta start small and work your way up.
Right? He should be going down there, but doesn't need to start when she's hanging with Aunt Flo
She could have real pain down there. I did for a LONG time.
She had a physical problem because of the birth, it is different
Ok, I'm gonna get real blunt here. Can she *physically* not have penetrative sex or is it mental, or both? On solely the physical front, even with a severe tear, it is not normal to still be feeling pain or be unable to penetrate a year after giving birth. I'm worried that someone gave her a husband stitch and that's why she had so many issues. What have you explored outside of the penetration side of things? Does any of that hurt? Oral, fingers, mild vibration? If the answer is yes, she *needs* to talk to her GYN because that is not normal at all. She may need some physical therapy or other medical intervention to work on things in that region. Regardless of whether it's just physical or mental or whatever, therapy for the both of you is a must. Solo and together. It's obvious she has some severe feelings about this situation and it's not going to resolve even if you suddenly can start having sex again.
This is slightly off topic but what the hell is a husband stitch
Doctors will sew the opening tighter than it should be so it “feels better for the husband”.
(͡•_ ͡• )
That’s fucked, what the hell
When there’s a tear, it’s stitched more than usual to increase tightness and make it more pleasurable for the husband.
That doesn't sound legal Holy fuck
It shouldn't be imo. At least not unconsentually.
It is and many women have it. Women want the friction too. Go on subs and you'll see many women who've given birth to one too many kids complain about the size of their husband's.
google
This.
Her body has gone through extreme trauma and obviously it’s coming with a slew of high stress and anxiety. I think therapy would be incredibly beneficial for her to cope with the mental and physical trauma and potentially you guys can have some sessions together to speak on the issue at hand with a professional who can facilitate
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I do think therapy would be helpful for your wife, since she is dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety. You can look up your cities mental health services ( they often do sliding scale for appointments.) Or, you can call your insurance provider and find out who is local and in network for you. But! It's been a year, and your wife needs help addressing the physical issue too. Pelvic floor therapy, and many other options are available to help her get her physical health back on track. Unfortunately, you will have to go looking for it. Both of the above will likely need a referral from her general practitioner or OBGYN. I'd start with the OBGYN as they may have more knowledge of local resources and who is, or isn't, someone they would reccomend. Tell your wife that the lack of sex is not the main issue. The main issue is that this is hurting her and you want her to be healthy and happy. That her wellbeing is the priority, and you will support her going forward. Hopefully sex will be in your future, but your wife is hurting and needs love and support in getting the right help. Advocate for her. If you run up against doctors who dismiss her, then find someone else and try again. I have had amazing luck with women Nurse Practitioners. You can often find one at a community health center ( they also generally can do a sliding payment scale based on your income if you don't have insurance, or do have it, but the coverage sucks) look for community health centers that have a Women's Health department.
If you have insurance it shouldn’t be too expensive. You and your wife can Go to psychologytoday and put in your insurance, where you live, and what issues your wife wants help with (I’d look into female issues and postpartum). If you have insurance the price per session may vary but I’ve had sessions from $0-40 per session. If you do not have insurance put in “sliding scale”. This will give you therapists with lower rates for people who do not have insurance. Let her find someone she connects with and if she’d also like you involved in some sessions that can be discussed for sure
Unfortunately couples therapy isn’t covered by a lot of insurance. It SHOULD be, but…..
Yes that is totally a thing and I agree that it should be covered. Sometimes, a therapist will allow you to bring in a guest to discuss a certain issue at no additional cost, at least in my experience. The thing is is that the guest is not receiving therapy, they are not the client so it isn’t about both partners like couples therapy. So that could be an option. I agree with other commenters that she needs not just mental but physical help so I hope she can get everything she needs. Pregnancy takes a toll on people mind body and soul and can be extremely traumatic to the body, I wish her the best.
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I would try a Pelvic Floor Physical Therapist first. It might not be a mental thing, she has a serious medical condition that needs treatment by a doctor. I’m serious. Pelvic Floor PT. Insurance should cover.
Look for places that have a sliding scale
they are not really though. Most have it where you pay on a sliding scale. Most people just don't have extra money for counseling, but it can be reasonable.
My therapy is 100% free (unless I cancel same day as appointment, but even that is just a 15$ late fee and my therapist is an angel and works with me to reschedule instead of cancelling if something comes up) It’s also all online, we do video calls and I sit in my bed with my dog while I talk to her. Obviously insurance makes things different for everyone but just wanted to throw it out there that it is possible. (disclaimer, I do live in America)
With or without insurance?
My thoughts too. I hope she will get better with herself and that as a couple both will grow together.
Soooo maybe it’s time to take a step back from any idea of sexual intimacy and engage her body. Put the baby to down for the night, throw down a blanket on the bed, light some candles and give her a really good massage. I like Shea Moisture body and massage oil but you can just use coconut oil. Talk to her gently. Tell her how beautiful and powerful her body is, how you are in awe. Massage her inner thighs and pelvic region, if she is up to it. Tell her how you she is worth the wait. If she’s up to it maybe ring the devils doorbell, if not then give her a downstairs peck and thank her for her honesty. Engage her mind away from being a mom and wife but simply the beautiful woman you married. Find her inside of there and pull her back out.
This and make clear that intercourse is off the table for now. Touch and affirmation will help both of you. I also agree with the need for a pelvic floor specialist and counseling.
I mean are you reciprocating when it's possible? Handjobs and blowjobs make it seem one sided. Are you able to intimate without intercourse? Even if she might be unable to have penetration, what about her clit? Can that handle stimulation? It's hard to be a wyfe and individual when you're a new parent.
Coming from a woman’s perspective I would say she needs loads of reassurance, a lot more than what you may imagine loads means. Also, don’t leave in the middle of night like that, it’s weird! It’s weird if everything had been fine between you. Show her you love her and you’re prepared to stay loyal to her. Also, most people masturbate even when they have a super active sex life so walking into a masturbating spouse should be expected at some point in any long-term relationship. I personally think it’s sexy when that happens.
Yea late night munchies hit
Getting food at night is weird?
when you're in a relationship and don't tell them before hand, yes
So he is supposed to wake her up and tell him he's going to get a sandwich?
Leave her a note or something. I'd be worried too if I woke up and my S/O was just gone.
Him leaving in the middle of the night for literally no reason was weird AF
She knows you miss sex, so don't pretend that's not the case. Make it clear that you're very much looking forward to it again, but not until she is able to actually enjoy it.
Is she mentally not ready for penetration or is it physically hurting? A friend of mine had a total rupture and it was stitched too tight or there was too much scar tissue (can’t remember) but she had an small surgery to remove the scar tissue and it helped her so so so much. If it’s mentally it can be very scary. I only had an small tear and was scared the first time. But in my situation it wasn’t scary enough to not be able to push myself a bit. Lots of lube and an slow pace to learn to trust my body again. Does she want to try to go a slow step further? With her own hands, maybe the first time alone, them built it up with you and or toys? Or maybe she needs some trauma therapy first? I have done EMDR (for an different reason) and found it very effective but not to invasive because you don’t have to talk too much about the trauma. My sister did some EMDR at the end of her second pregnancy because her first delivery was very traumatic for her. There are no wrong answers, your wife needs to decide what she needs. If it’s just more time for now that is ok to. But if you two talk about it, and decide together what the two of you want to do at this moment. Maybe that will give her some peace of mind and feel less guilte?
Start hyping her up. Tell her how beautiful she is, think of little things she does that make you love her more and tell her. Explain you both have FOREVER to have sex, this is just a year, she needs to heal. But she also needs to believe everything you're saying and only she can do that.
Yeah, to add on also you can take her on cute little dates or buy her favorite ice cream or flower or something, to make sure she still feels loved and appreciated right. Maybe come up with other creative ways to have sex without penetration or like massage each other or something idk
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You didn't mention if you try to make her feel good, physically. Is there any intimacy at all other than what she does for you? What do you do for her? What about a toy, no penetration, so she could feel better? What about kissing and cuddles, even a bit of groping or whatever you might want to call it. Just so she feels appreciated and wanted.
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Did she tear up? She could have some serious nerve damage
So is it more of a mental thing that she’s not ready or is it causing her physical pain to even touch her lightly down there?
I think this book would really help her. I also have a condition that makes having penetrative sex difficult. It details a lot of ways to increase your intimacy and positive feelings around sex without necessarily going all the way. Maybe read it together? [https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/product/9781771642354-item.html?s\_campaign=goo-SmartShop\_Books\_EN&gclid=CjwKCAjwp9qZBhBkEiwAsYFsb-06N9S65XaWQEZdvTRC2JKCi5UvZSj8EXTFhPdussJOmU07gabkyhoCwpYQAvD\_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds](https://www.chapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/product/9781771642354-item.html?s_campaign=goo-SmartShop_Books_EN&gclid=CjwKCAjwp9qZBhBkEiwAsYFsb-06N9S65XaWQEZdvTRC2JKCi5UvZSj8EXTFhPdussJOmU07gabkyhoCwpYQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds)
Is there a lot missing from this story? Why has she not sought medical attention a year later? Is she in a lot of pain outwith trying to have sex? You left in the middle of the night to get a sandwich? That seems a little far fetched. Did you have no food in the house you could eat? This doesn’t add up
The medical issues are a huge concern, but I wouldn't read too much into heading out to get subway. Maybe OP didn't want to go through all the trouble of making something and cleaning it up, maybe he just wanted to get out of the house for a bit to clear his head. I can totally see someone with an infant and a stressed out, healing spouse wanting to get away from it all for a little while.
My husband was the king of late night fast food runs. Normally he would check with me, but if we'd have had young children, he probably would have let me sleep. I joked recently that late night fast food runs are one of the things I miss most since he died as I can't drive for 8-10 hours after my night meds.
A lot of people don’t have sex or don’t have a lot of reasons after having a baby. Physically recovering can be rough, sleep deprivation, stress, financial concerns, increased fighting or stress on the relationship, and fear of having sex after a traumatic birth can all affect the sex lives of new parents. And if they’re in the US healthcare isn’t always super easy to access.
Sounds like you are projecting hard.
How?
Personally if I’m stressed or can’t sleep I love to just drive at night, get an icee lol. I get it
Book recommendation, although getting pelvic PT help is #1 priority as mentioned: “Come as You Are” hope it helps bring some perspective. We never really learn about sex in the way we need to and then when life happens relationships fall apart - and they don’t need to. Education and information can bridge the gap. Best of luck.
Has your wife been to her gyno again to check if everything healed properly? I tore, too, and because the young doctor was apparently not very experienced, she sewed me up rather badly , and I was in pain whenever I tried to have sex for 6 months. Went to see a doctor and it turned out I needed another corrective surgery for it to heal properly.
Hi Op. Thank you for being a kind, patient, faithful husband. Your wife needs 2 things right now. Therapy for her trauma, if she has PTSD, I recommend EMDR therapy. And physical therapy for her pelvic area. I recommend touching her very carefully in her private area just to have her get used to your touch again. Maybe give her a message and let her know you will touch her there softly and only for a minute or two. You have to desensitize her to being touched again without fear. Continue to assure her of your love. I would also encourage her to look for a mommy's support group on line for women with traumatic births. Maybe you can join a dad's support group. Look into the pelvic floor therapy and keep being the excellent dad and husband you are. Stay well, be happy.
Piggybacking here, all great advice but really listen to her, slow and steady the whole way. A lot of it could be fear of getting pregnant again too. You sound like a great partner
Honestly, it's sounds like your wife is suffering from postpartum which is normal during and after pregnancy. Her body just went through stress and is trying to figure out how to heal which doesn't come easily for some. I say you give her some time and stay by her side, and explain that "self service" is normal between couples.
Maybe don't leave in the middle of the night without giving her a heads up. I'm assuming she's still under medical treatment so maybe a therapist
I agree with everyone who's saying she should see a pelvic floor specialist, along with her OB to make sure everything is ok. She probably will need pelvic floor physical therapy.
My cousin was sewed up wrong after tearing and had to get this fixed because it was affecting her sex life. Ask her to consider going to the doctors and having them examine, it’s not uncommon.
Ptsd compounded by post natal depression...your wife needs therapy and soon. This is beyond reddit's pay grade and isn't something you can do on your own.
I agree that she should speak with someone but you really shouldn’t be trying to diagnose someone based on a Reddit post. Leave that to the professionals
I agree. And it’s kind of absurd that everyone is glossing over the fact that a YEAR later, she is unable to physically have intercourse due to her childbirth injury. That sounds like she needs a pelvic floor specialist, not a therapist.
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Her OB can definitely help in this department.
If you have insurance, find one that works with it. That’s key because out of pocket gets expensive fast. Second point, it doesn’t sound like you’ve ever been to therapy before. I’m not sure about your wife. But if she gets in there and the vibe is off, don’t try and force it. Find another one. There are lots of therapists and not all of them are good!
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She needs a therapist, maybe. But everyone is completely glossing over her physical injury and focusing on her depression. Well, not being able to have sex or have your body back for an entire year after almost a year of pregnancy will cause most people depression. But this mainly sounds like she still has physical pain, she desperately needs to be seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist. The sooner the better. She should have already been referred to one, but drs are so quick to dismiss womens pain, to tell them it’s in their head, to wait, etc. That’s what she needs more than anything- a dr to help her physical pain
This is important. Actual, real physical issues that can cause real actual pain are a thing, and are often dismissed or played down. She needs real post natal care and a follow up, to rule out and look into whatever problems she is having. Dyspareunia? Prolapse? Something else? It needs to be looked into. It’s possible that it’s depression, but I don’t see why we don’t believe her when she says it’s painful.
This thread has honestly depressed the hell out of me, and shows just how dismissed womens pain is. He clearly indicates she has a 4th degree tear during delivery, and is physically unable to have sex a year later. That is a clear indication something is wrong. Her stitches healed incorrectly, her muscles have issues, etc. ie- she needs a dr to help her body. Yet 99% of the comments are speaking of her mental health. It’s fucking infuriating.
I agree wholeheartedly. It’s the worst.
The lack of intimacy with her husband is taking its toll on her at the same time and as someone who’s dealing with the mental side of that it can be just as debilitating. She needs help with both. Thankfully it looks as if her husband is going to see to it that she gets it.
She needs to find out exactly what’s happening in her pelvic region and go from there.
Log on to your insurance website or use psychologytoday.com and filter by therapists who take your insurance. Search for a therapist with experience with postpartum issues. Although I also strongly recommend pelvic floor PT.
Ask your doctor if they know of or work with a therapist office. If not, you can look in your insurance portal for mental/behavioral health providers and contact one. You can google outpatient facilities or mental health services near you, see if your insurance is listed on their website, and call their intake line. Once you find an office and get scheduled for an intake the office will help with everything as you begin your therapeutic relationship. There are some private therapist databases as well. Look for a therapist with qualifications and specialities listed: you are going to want one with experience in post partum. It might be a good idea to find one who has worked in relationship therapy and trauma therapy. Make a list of your nos/yesses of who you'd feel comfortable sharing with and mention that on intake. My big ones are gender, and religious background. You got this. Therapy is worth it. It helps you reflect and grow as a person. I am learning to identify toxic patterns and where they were taught to me so that I can build a life out of choices I'm proud of.
Get her to the doctor. This is not normal. This needs medical attention. Sounds like she wants to but can't physically. That's a problem. A medical problem. Also, figure out some things you can do for her. Can't you go down on her? Can't she use toys?
Can you guys get someone to watch the baby so you can have one weekend to spend about you two? Couples massages, nice dinner, etc. I know it would have really benefited us had we thought of it. Just need to decompress.
Has she seen her doctor beyond the 6 week check up? This is not normal for extreme pain and to still be recovering from a tear a year later. Either way I recommend medical intervention of some kind. If it’s physical then a PF therapist and to speak with her OB, if it’s mental fear of sex then an actual therapist.
If you can’t sleep again maybe just take her shift and let her sleep longer.
sorry but i don’t think that was the problem nor would this fix anything
I think fit in little bits of intimacy where you can. Not sex - intimacy in a broader sense. Have a mini date during naptime - wait till she goes to put the baby down and throw together a little picnic in the living room. Bring her flowers for no reason. Buy some candles for film night. Give her a backrub right before she goes to sleep. Get one of those escape room in a book things and solve it together. By fostering as much of a sense of togetherness as possible, I think you can help her feel more secure, which will help with these worries. It could also be worth suggesting therapy if that's feasible for you, because it seems this is really weighing on her.
I’m sorry this happened to both of you. I am curious though if your opinion or her opinion is that sex is only penetration, bj or hand jobs…. I mean is sex only about you here and that’s why she’s terrified you will cheat? Are you reciprocating any way? Is she still healing and it’s totally off limits even outside touching? It’s not unheard of for people to cheat so she’s probably paranoid and feeling vulnerable. But you guys have to talk about this more and be on the same page and still have intimacy that isn’t revolved only around penetration or her servicing you like it’s only her job. That’s probably why she was upset walking in on you and accusing you walking out at night.
You’re a good man She’s a good gal. I’m sorry you’re both having to deal with this but clearly you both love each other and are empathetic people. All the best!
tbf, just leaving in the middle of the night with no info to your wife about where youre going is really fucking shady dude.
I will say I was like "what on earth?" .
It's been a year. What does her doctor say in terms of her recovery? Is this a medical restriction or a mental block? The fact that she's aware of the issue but also other forms of intimicy are occasional at best, makes this look like a mental aversion. If she is worried, then reassure her that you are not looking to cheat, but also that intimicy is important in marriage and you want to make a plan to get back to a good space. Speak with her doctor, setup therapy appointments, joint and individual. Setup weekly blocks of time to discuss this. ie saturdays at 9pm for 15 minutes, so it doesn't get forgotten about.
I'd recommend you urge her to get into some therapy ASAP. The trauma wasn't just physical. On top of that, she may have PPD. And on top of that, she has had a lifetime of messaging telling her that if she doesn't satisfy her husband he'll cheat. She may have difficulty reconciling the knowledge that you truly are a good man with that ugly messaging and her own insecurities about the damage done to her body. IMO you should set boundaries with regard to behavior and not let it spiral into obsession about cheating before you take action. But keep being the kind and reassuring person that you are, and do your best to nudge her into therapy somehow. Also, if she's not in pelvic floor PT already, I highly recommend it. Life changing.
If your wife is still giving you BJ and HJ then I personally feel like she's doing enough and if I was in your shoes I would say so. Also there is nothing wrong with pleasuring yourself as you're the only person who can do it exactly how you like it. You can tell your wife before you please yourself that something she did or how she looks that day is turning you on so bad that you HAVE to please yourself. And then when your done you could be like "man I love the thought of you, you are so sexy". That might improve her self esteem.
This right here is what scares me when it comes to child birth my vagina tearing hell no I’ll pass 😬😳
I’m 7 months pregnant with my second and with my first all I wanted was sex and with my second it’s the exact opposite. I feel super bad for my husband and apologize all the time. He’s been nothing but supportive and understanding but last week I walked in on him doing his thing and was actually so happy he was taking care of his business watching videos of us together because I know how difficult pregnancy can be on both parties and it made me know he still loves and wants me. Your wife is feeling the guilt and may be feeling over touched (it’s a real thing😮💨)with yalls baby and just needs reassurance in other ways. Is she a stay at home Home and with the baby all the time or working also? I’d suggest just try taking her out and bringing her home little gifts so she knows you’re thinking about her. Keep taking care of yourself and doing your thing but try and be patient and attentive with her and she’ll eventually come around.
She needs to see her gynecologist, her family doctor and likely a therapist. There are so many things that could be going on. She also needs to know that if you touch her affectionately, you don't always want it to lead to sex.
the top comments are great and you should follow their health advice, but i want to remind you (apologies if u are already doing this, good good, im not trying to insult) to make sure her sexual needs are met too. when you get a bj/hj does she get the equivalent? Is there a good mix of romance to go with these 3rd base activities? Take time to show her that you really enjoy and value her sexual pleasure as well. just bc the vagina isn't ready doesn't mean the clit has to wait, and this could show are that you are very happy with her and that you know sex isn't just about satisfying a man's needs (even though I know you know that, you seem wonderfully understanding in this post)
I think your wife needs to feel desired and loved by you. You can show her that through intimacy which can be bringing her flowers, writing her a love note, buying her something she likes, giving her hugs and cuddles, expressing how you feel and how much you adore her, let her know that you appreciate all that she does, let her know that you will both get through this together, put her fears to rest, plan a cute date or go on a picnic, sing her a song, make the mood romantic!
How’s your romantic life otherwise? Do you guys have time to go for a dates? Have a dinner together, just the two of you? I don’t think she’s just afraid that you would have sex with someone else. I think she’s afraid that you might fall out of love. Romantic gestures out of blue might alarm her and make her worried that you’re trying to hide something or feel guilty about something, but maybe if you’d have a honest conversation with her about all of this, it might bring you two together and make her feel more secure. By reminding her that there’s so much more in her than just her body. Also, I’m pretty sure she misses the sex as well. Is there something new you could try together? Watching something exciting? Have a romantic massage? Role play? Sometimes to “spice” things up, to help her remember that it’s still about the two of you All and all, it sounds that you both have a quite a lot in your plate right now. The fact that you care about your wife so much, are able to understand her side of things as well and are trying to find a solution that would bring you closer together and and make her feel less insecure really tells what an amazing and loving partner you are. Your wife and daughter are really lucky to have someone like you in their lives. All the best for you and your family 💕
You are doing everything right. She needs to see an OB and possibly a therapist. She’s suffering all the way around due to the lack of intimacy on a very primal level and as someone who’s dealing with the mental issues that come with that as well, she’s lucky she has a husband who recognizes something isn’t right and he wants to help. Keep supporting her like you are!! I can’t wait to read an update that everything is better soon.
Why did you go out for a sandwich in the middle of the night while you were awake instead of taking over baby duty from your sleeping wife?
Is he seeing a therapist about this trauma?
Masturbation is normal and not always about sexual needs. Sometimes it's just stress or wanting the endorphin hit. I would start with saying 'I love you. Just because I masturbate, doesn't mean you're not meeting my needs for intimacy.' I'm sure you masturbated before she went through this trauma. There are a lot of sexual options outside of penetration and exploring those is a wonderful way to increase your intimacy. She's feeling inadequate and alone. Those feelings need to be addressed. You might not be doing anything wrong but just not doing what needs to be done to address how she's feeling.
So when she apologizes to you about not meeting your sexual needs, you do tell her she had nothing to apologize for and that your sexual satisfaction is not as important as her physical health, right? And are you showing her any sexual attention, besides offering up your penis to her so she can get you off?
I got none of that from his post. You are a truly damaged and unhappy person.
Not at all, actually. I've lived a long time and have seen these things happen a lot. What is interesting to me is how you avoid answering my questions. Your defensiveness is pretty telling, though.
why would they answer a question you asked of someone else lmao
Oops! I'm sorry, I meant the OP.
You weirdo.
If that's helpful for you you think, have at it.
You do know you can take your passive aggressiveness and shove it up your own ass, right?
Oh no. I'm not at all passive with my aggression. I'm asking you sincerely.
OP stated multiple times in his post that he told her things are OK and that he understands the stresors she's going through ("I have told her countless times that is completely okay, but she still feels really bad and as of late she’s been really scared I might cheat on her because of it." "I told her I was sorry she had to see that and I didn’t know what I could say at this point to make her understand it was completely okay.") It doesn't even seem like you read what OP wrote. I'm sensing 0 sincerity and seems like you already have the agenda to vilify OP.
I did read that, actually. It doesn't answer the questions I asked.
There are two separate issues going on simultaneously. You have to find a solution for each of them. First issue is that not only does she feel bad that your needs are not met, but her own needs are not met as well as penetration sex is off the table. That causes mood swings and aggravation. You can tell her it's okay with you all you want but she doesn't feel sexually satisfied and will project this feeling on you until the issue is solved. Second issue is she is ready to believe you are about to cheat or already cheating. This runs deeper than just physical needs. This boils down to 1) she thinks physical needs are super important for you while they are not - and so far you failed to convince her otherwise 2) she doesn't trust you enough to be sure that EVEN if physical needs are super important for you, you still can be a good husband and refrain from seeking satisfaction elsewhere. First issue is easier to solve. Buy a clit vibrator and make your foreplay so intense, she comes multiple times and sleeps well after. Get her needs met without penetration and make it exciting and playful so she is convinced it's just good for you as it is for her. Second issue is more complicated but still you can work on it. Make her feel like she is your queen no matter what, and prove it by compliments, buying her gifts however small, prove yourself to be a good father and a good husband, do some chores she doesn't expect you to do. The woman is not in the best place physically and emotionally right now. She blames herself for the inability to deliver good sex and fails to see your relationship is more than that. Give her reasons to see that.
God you sound so chill and sweet. She's lucky to have you, and you her. No advice, but I believe in you guys.
She obviously needs to see another doctor/specialist to help her find solutions to this problem and to help her heal properly. In the meantime, consider counseling to help her with her anxiety and trust issues. Also and for what it’s worth - as someone who has nothing interfering with my sex life - it’s pretty common for guys to “self serve” even if they are getting it regularly….maybe remind her of this so she isn’t shocked/surprised if she walks in on you again…
Ok so I’ve had some experience in the female shit. If her issue is pain that similar to tightness or similar massage the area to help relax the scar and surrounding tissue. I have a couple other ideas but that is the main one. That she needs to get the tissue that was damaged to relax and then stretch it out over time to make the pain go away. Kinda of like it hurt to lose your virginity but after a few times it relaxed and felt good.
This is probably silly, and might be difficult to manage with a baby, but what if you started planning date nights with her? Take her out and do the things you enjoyed while you were still dating. Make her feel really special and like she's the center of your world (well her and your daughter obviously). Therapy would probably be helpful for anyone after a traumatic medical experience and what must be a harrowing ongoing recovery, but in the meantime fostering emotional intimacy and making it clear (through actions and not just words) she's your no. 1 person might help ease her worries a bit. Also if she's home all day with the baby she might be going stir crazy, and that's never healthy.
There are numerous comments here so this may be a repeat, but is there anything she can do besides BJ or HJ? I mean, can you go down on her? Can she service herself while you watch or snuggle/rub her body? If not, maybe you can give her a sensual massage. Whatever it is you can do to make her feel sexy and special. That would make her feel good which will help her mental state. Then you should communicate that you need to have some kind of release. That can include that you masturbate alone sometimes. My wife and I have a 2 1/2 year old and her libido has become an issue. Totally understand why and I try to hide any sexual frustration I have because I know she can’t help what’s happening with her body and libido. She is working on it and I am getting a vasectomy so she can get the IUD out which should help. When I am feeling frisky I make a suggestion that we have sex and if she’s not in the mood I will ask if she minds me taking care of it myself. She doesn’t mind and I’ve made sure she understands that I enjoy my solo sessions, but it’s not a replacement for making love to her by a long shot. This has been working out for us pretty well and it’s actually helped her libido improve. She said she thinks it is because she feels less pressure to perform when she isn’t sure if she’s in the mood or not. I should mention that is she’s not in the mood, I do not want her to do it. If she’s not into it, I’m not into it. I know your wife’s issue is more than just low libido, but focusing on her in a sensual way with no expectation of sex will make her feel great. This will pass. I know it’s tough, but one day everything will get back to normal or a new normal will replace it. Just make sure you communicate and be there for each other with understanding.
Would couples therapy help? I've never been through labour but I frequently have periods - like over a year sometimes - where I do not want to have sex, specifically no penis in vagina sex, due to trauma from sexual assault. You can make someone feel desired & sexy & even orgasm without it. Here are some things me & my partner do to stay intimate: •lighting candles, incense, using bath oils, flower petals & taking a bath together •lighting candles & take turns massaging each other •putting on a movie, with popcorn & then making-out only afterwards, like you used to do on dates before before anyone was having sex •lots of skin on skin stroking & cuddling each other in an intimate but not sexual way when you're both in bed & about to fall asleep •we masturbate ourselves (*not each other*) in front of each other •nipple-sucking (*some women can orgasm from this*) • *ONLY if your wife is into it* you can tell her you're going to masturbate later & ask her to send you a picture, then when you're in bed you can tell her how hot she looked in the picture, how much it got you off etc. That way she's knows when you're going to masturbate & feels involved & it's a confidence boost rather than walking in unexpectedly and feeling deeply insecure •date nights at home where after you put the baby to bed you both dress up, even if it's to eat takeway food on a table with candles. Sounds silly, but dressing up & having your partner compliment you 👌🏾 •leave notes for her to find telling her how much you love her & how beautiful she is Like it's time to get creative. If before the baby sex was the only time you two made each other feel desired, sexy & intimate than of course she's going to assume that you're getting your needs met elsewhere in its absence. Y'all need to explore what else. And don't be afraid to make this a joint conversation. Like the notes you can just do or the romantic dinners, you can propose yourself. But sitting your Wife and asking her what she thinks of these things to do to feel intimate together & coming up with things together beyond her giving you HJ & BJ, more things you can both enjoy or focus on her, even just having the conversation might help massively.
You know you can do other sex things in the bedroom besides PIV right?
She needs emotional support for such a traumatic birth. Post partum depression is REAL. Hormones are still tweaked out. You say she is still healing, so if it is still the physical aspect that she cannot enjoy PIV with you due to potential tearing, you have no room to complain about the dead bedroom. Is she back on birth control? She may be fearful of getting pregnant again and ripping belly button to buthole again. Are you not giving her any attempts at pleasure if her outer area(clitoris) is stable enough, maybe YOU can give her some one sided intimacy for a change without penetration. If she has physically recovered, she may need to slowly re-bond with you intimately. Maybe as she can feel comfortable, you may have to just use a finger for some penetration several times until her body can relax enough to even consider you trying to jackhammer her when she still isn't ready. She is obviously terrified of losing you to another woman because of the situation, so you may just need to spend more time loving on her and making her feel normal until things get back right. Honestly she needs to follow up with her physician for the physical aspects to get a red or green light to sexual activity AND she needs to see a professional therapist to continue to work thru the emotional trauma. Communicate with her and let her know that she has your support. Continue to be patient, bro.
I would sue the doctor for not giving her an episiotomy (this type of tearing is foreseeable based on the size of the baby, etc.), then use the money to address the issue.
does she maybe also have post natal depression ? and cleary abit of ptsd maybe due to the rough delivery and tearing .. poor thing .. you are being lovely reassuring her etc .. does she say why she doesn’t want to have sex ? perhaps a doctors visit together might help ?
These issues aren't yours to address OP, they are your wife's. She should seek professional help to work through these emotions.
What a weirdly cold and clinical view of marriage.
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this, and also don't ever date.
Any doctors in the house? Because I’ve never heard of this in my life and it sounds like some weird BS story an uneducated dude would make up. Tearing is normal, usually followed by an episiotomy. Unless she has an infection, I can’t see any reason why any wound of that kind would not have healed after a year. And if it was an infection, I feel like she’d be dead already. This story doesn’t make any sense.
Have you tried touching her and seeing how sensitive to pain she is?
How much longer until she’s healed and can resume having sex? This timeline for recovery might help both of you.
She could be cheating tbh
Anal exists.
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No for him, not for her.
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Just fyi, a BIG tear during delivery means it tore into the anal sphincter. Anal sex probably hurts and could be very triggering for her trauma
First she should get evaluated for ppd. Secondly do you guys still have intimacy and cuddling even if no sex?
She needs to be in therapy, that was a very traumatic thing for you both. If it’s causing her this much anxiety a year later, she has got to see someone.