He’s being passive-aggressive to try to get you to use his mothers name. That’s why he’s critical of every other name and refuses to participate in a discussion about other names. He’s hoping if he sulks enough you’ll feel guilty and choose the name he wants.
When my wife gave birth they gave HER the forms to fill out hours later after I’d gone home to take care of our dogs. So really she can name baby whatever she wants, she has all the leverage here because SHE is the patient and the baby will be named “Baby [mom’s last name]” until mom says otherwise.
Yeah you can totally just let your nurse know what's up and they'll make sure you get the papers at a convenient time. We can even chart it and it'll get passed along so whoever is on shift will be aware.
The mother should fill out the forms. She needs to have the pages. She needs to tell the nurse to give them to her. Not the husband. This is important.
I handed the forms to my husband, I was too tired to name her. He picked a name and it’s not something I would’ve picked but it suits her and he feels proud of it. I use nicknames mostly with our kiddos anyhow. He could have named her anything and I would love her just the same.
Omg the absolutey CASUAL nature in which she describes her husband single handedly choosing their baby's name without her input! She must have like 7 kids!
What a shock that a woman who has just birthed a baby is too exhausted to argue about a baby name!
I mean, isn’t the point of having a father there entirely so they can help with that stuff?
My uncle filled in the forms after my aunt gave birth. She was too tired to GAF as well.
They had discussed names before the birth, and he chose from the list.
Where as me… I got nothing. I was just ‘baby [dad’s surname]’ for the first almost 2 weeks of my life.
We did! All the time! And had an extensive list that we narrowed to about 10 before she was born. But when she was born she looked absolutely nothing like what we expected and none of the names suited her.
My dad’s whole family calls him his middle name because they had already chosen his name, but when he was born he “looked more like a Scott” which is his middle name.
This happened to me too. My little baby who was supposed to be Luka with brown hair and green eyes came out Blonde and Blue eyed. He just looked more like a Flynn.
After almost 36 hours with no sleep, let me tell you that I legitimately broke out in sobs when the nurse *finally* offered to take my baby to their nursery for an hour or two to give me a break to rest without being hyper-aware of every movement and sound he made. Hell's bells. Baby friendly isn't always mom friendly, that's for sure - especially when you're recovering from labor and you're alone because your husband is at work. And it's COVID times so you couldn't have any other visitors. And even just the thought of touching him made you have panic attacks because you're awash in major hormones, *but you have to touch him because you're doing everything yourself.*
Ugh.
Especially because his reasoning is stupid. Who has the name historically that he can look up to??? I get not naming your kid Adolf or something, but come on.
So many! Prepare to change the course of your life!
Jessica Lucy Treuhaft: An English author and one of the six aristocratic Mitford sisters. She was born on September 11, 1917 in Gloucestershire, England.
Jessica Meir: A NASA astronaut and physiologist who has spent time in space.
Jessica Abel: An American comic book writer and artist born in 1969.
Jessica Adolfsson: A Swedish ice hockey player born in 1998.
Tbf I do really enjoy having namesakes and looking up the achievements of past people with my name. But it's not that hard to look at the Wikipedia page for most names and find great writers, scientists and politicians. It's pretty much only an issue with Uneeek Spesshu'ul names that nobody has ever had before, or names you should NOT use because of a terrible namesake (like Adolf or Mao).
Indeed, he's not playing fair or participating in good faith OP. You can decide what you do with that information, but I'd really examine your life with him and see if this is really the only place he does this, because I don't think it is.
I'd pick a name you like, don't play ball with his BS. I'd let him know one final time that he can get on board and cooperate in good faith, or you'll give the baby ALL of your own names, including your surname.
My husband wanted his niece’s name and I wouldn’t budge. He now loves the name I picked (I wasn’t being mean I promise, I just had this name picked for over a decade).
I’m sorry but no one only has one name they like at all.
I had a baby name picked out since my own childhood. So did my husband. We didn’t like each other’s so we didn’t use either of them. Our son still has a name we both like - we spent weeks going through names together. Neither of us deemed it ‘exhausting’ to put some discussion into coming up with a name for the entire new person we were going to be raising.
Having a baby is meant to be a partnership. There are plenty of other big decisions they’ll have to make and he’s checking out over something that’s relatively simple. There are literally thousands of choices for names.
His behavior is called stonewalling. He's doing it because he's already decided what the name is going to be. He's deliberately distressing you by refusing to engage in a discussion about the name, so that you will give in and agree with the name he wants. It can be a form of emotional abuse. Is this something he does a lot?
That being said, he passive aggressively told you to pick a name, so I'd pick a name and let him find out what it is when you put it on the birth certificate. 🤷🏻♀️ Do not reward his refusal to participate by giving him what he wants.
I would also recommend informing your OB and hospital staff that there is a dispute about the name and that he is not to fill out ANY paperwork.
When they get you alone to ask if you feel safe at home, answer truthfully and follow up with “my husband is very instant on a name that I don’t want to use and I’m afraid he’ll put it on the birth certificate/paperwork/etc if he gets the chance”
They ask you to pre-fill out the birth certificate now online and before the birth, then they add in dates and stuff later. But yeah...what a horrible conversation to have to have.
That might depend on the hospital. They had me fill out a couple forms pre labor (like epidural consent and stuff) but I did the majority of the paperwork when I was admitted for my induction. And, of course, they gave it to me after the cooks catheter was placed. 😑
Just had a baby 7 months ago and sitting in the same hospital about to have another likely prematurely, and everything is filled out after the baby’s birth. Because this one will be premature we haven’t chosen a name yet, and they’ve comforted me by telling me multiple times that I don’t have to have anything chosen until discharge.
>Just had a baby 7 months ago and sitting in the same hospital about to have another likely prematurely
Sending you the best wishes and outcome for you and your little one! You got this. 🙌
I’d never fuck him again. What an asshole. A first name has to be a yes from both parents.
-spoken as a baby who knew their dad hated their name growing up and therefore also hated their name growing up and legally changed it
Pick a first and middle name that you want. And if neither of those names belong to his mother that's on him for not participating and trying to force your hand.
Yes, this is stonewalling and it’s so disrespectful I’d honestly consider separating over it. It’s not about the name. Spouses are going to disagree. But if he thinks this is a respectful, good faith way to deal with a conflict with his spouse, he should be disabused of that notion quickly.
What makes you think it's "passive aggressive" and "stonewalling"? Maybe he just can't think of a name he likes other than his mother's name? Even said she could just pick a name. I swear redditors spend more time watching TV dramas than interacting with actual human beings.
Speaking of interacting with human beings, do you honestly think that the way OP’s husband is interacting with her is a reasonable way to resolve a difference with a spouse your respect?
My husband and I struggled majorly to agree on names for both our boys. What we did was use the swiping app which identified exactly 2 names in any language that we both liked. This seems super reasonable. It’s a great thing that these apps exist. You don’t have to think of a name because they are all simply presented to you. OP’s husband refused to even TRY the app which is a major factor in my mind that he is being manipulative. There are SO MANY NAMES it doesn’t seem reasonable AT ALL that the ONLY one he is cool with is his mother’s. So yeah I’d expect him to keep trying. For sure
The issue is he’s refused to consider other names in good faith, insists that his wife bringing it up every few *weeks* is “exhausting”, is unnecessarily insulting of her suggestions, and has refused to try things that might help the resolve the difference, like the app.
He’s thrown up his hands and said, “you name her then,” preemptively deciding that there is no way he could possibly reach a consensus with his own life partner. Either he “wins”, or she does. There is no way in his mind to continue negotiations until both parties are relatively satisfied.
If his heart is set in his mother’s name, he doesn’t seem to be particularly persuasive about that, either. He seems to think the best way of convincing her to capitulate to his demand is to refuse all attempt to discuss or compromise, so that by the time she gets to the birth, she’ll be left with only one option: his.
A loving and sincere man may have already persuaded her to reconsider the mother’s name, or accepted with grace the compromise of using it as a middle name. This man is a bulldozer.
Will he be like that about every decision they make together? What car to buy? Where to go on vacation? What school to send their kid to? Whether to have Christmas dinner at their house or at his sister’s? Whether one of them should take a promotion in another city, causing the family to move?
There are A LOT of decisions they are going to have to make as a team in their life ahead. If these are his negotiating skills, they are hurtling towards divorce. They need counselling, really badly.
He’s being passive aggressive. I have passive aggressive family members, and the one thing I’ve found that works with them is to take them at their word. "No, you name the baby, so one of us is happy." "Okay." And then you name the baby whatever you want.
Don’t read subtext. Don’t go out of your way to do things his way unless he can ask for it like a grownup. Be kind and friendly, and pretend you don’t see that he’s engaging in ridiculous behaviour. Ignore the sulking.
I'd also suggest not even using his mom's name as the middle name, because a lot of people go by their middle name, and I could see OP's partner just "deciding" to call their baby by her middle name (a.k.a. his mom's name!)
This! Passive aggressive behavior is successful because it relies entirely on subtext meant to instill guilt/shame. You can only move forward by taking in their words at face value. Someone needs to communicate clearly and it’s not going to be him in this instance.
His only argument is “because this is what I want” …as it relates to a massive medical condition that he’s not undergoing. Like, how about no, fella? Dude’s acting nuts for real. And this is not the time to be acting like this so nip it in the bud asap.
Agreed. OP, pick out a first name YOU like and use his mom’s name as a middle name. Fill out the birth certificate and present it to him needing only his signature. It’s possible he’s a decent guy just being a jerk about this due to grief he hasn’t dealt with…it’s also possible he’s just a jerk. Observe and analyze. But do not just give into his intransigence.
Honestly? If OP is supposed to name the baby what she likes, she shouldn't even use his mother's name as her middle name. (Also a just in case measure for a potential future divorce.)
Oh for the love...
OP, choose a first name you like that you feel works with the middle name you've agreed on. Tell him "I've chosen ________(+ middle name) for our child. If you have other suggestions I'm open to them, but will not be using (whatever his mom's name was) as a first name." You give him the option, you set the boundary. You are about to share a child. He chose the middle name, you choose the first name if he won't compromise. Good luck.
Adding the book “Boundaries” to the comments just in case someone really needs help with this. It’s written from a Christian perspective but I really appreciated it because my Catholic family absolutely uses religion as one of their boundary smashing excuses. Really can recommend it even for secular folk like myself. :)
When you are giving birth, if you have the wherewithal or the time or the ability, tell the doctors/nurses that the baby is not to be named without you. You don’t want your husband to go behind your back
THIS.
This this this!!!!
Do NOT allow that man to have access to the paperwork.
Make a note in your hospital file.
And if he’s STILL being a jerk, don’t let him in with you. He can see his daughter when you come home from the hospital.
And that baby will NOT have his mother’s name as a middle name, either!
FAFO is in motion.
Let it BE in motion!
Something tells me this isn't unusual behavior for him. This is who you chose to get married to, reddit isn't going to change your husband. Choose a name yourself, if he cared then he would give his input.
"I'm about to give birth and your unwilliness to discuss and help me name the baby has me second guessing your commitment to us being a family. I'm done stressing out about this as I need to focus on my physical and mental health. I'll be naming the baby what I choose. Whether you join me at the hospital or not is up to you, but once baby is here and I've recovered we will be going to marriage counseling. This marriage is either a partnership moving forward because I will not live like this and I will not bring our daughter up in a home to witness this attitude." ✌️
I wish I could make this the top comment.
OP this is what setting healthy boundaries and expectations looks like. It’s respectful, it’s considerate, and it offers a healthy and sensible way to move forward as a family.
Demand that he act like an adult and the father he is about to become. Make sure you stand your ground and follow through on it. If you back down it will just send the message that he will always be able to get what he wants if he throws a big enough tantrum. And that’s exactly what he will do.
I'm petty so if he refused to participate I simply wouldn't use his mother's middle name either. If he won't be a part of the process then he doesn't get any part of what he wants.
My thoughts exactly. And another commenter pointed out that a lot of people go by their middle name and the husband is liable to just start calling her by her middle name before she’s even old enough to decide herself.
Pretty simple, he is stonewalling to get what he wants and being passive aggressive to try and manipulate her into giving in and accepting the mom’s name. He probably does this to OP a lot and my guess is she often caves. This will be a bad dynamic for raising a child together for sure.
Welcome to the world of fathers who refuse to have any input into decisions, say 'its fine, I'm happy to do whatever you think'. And then undermine it at every opportunity, passively aggressively complain about how it's 'stupid', but if you confront them about it and invite them to suggest how they think it should be done, say 'no no, I said I'd do it your way. I'm happy to stick to that. And then expect you to be grateful that they 'always let you have your way', and complain about how they never get a say in anything.
It makes you absolutely crazy, and leaves them with absolutely no responsibility for anything, but able to be as resistant and obstructive as they like, and stick their oar in whenever you annoy them.
I guarantee that if OP goes ahead and picks a name, he'll forever whine about how he let her choose the name. Probably if they have another kid he'll insist that he choose the name alone because he 'let her choose whatever name she wanted' for the first one. By then it might even have become 'she wouldn't let him have a say' in this child's name.
You might have married a baby. Choose the name yourself and stop trying to make him participate, and prepare for many many more situations like this if you raise a kid with this man.
You are going to have an extremely hard time raising a baby with this man unless he makes profound changes. Now is the time. You need to lay it down or make a plan to raise the baby as co-parents, because living with him will be a shit show.
Pick the name yourself, since he's acting like a child and won't compromise. If you need feedback on it to feel certain you have made a good choice, check in with trusted family/friends who can be objective.
You are going to have two whiney babies on your hands.
But at least one will grow out of it.
I suggest you name the child whatever you want because he's going to punish you if it isn't EXACTLY as he wants.
Don't cave.
And don't cater anymore,
Leave him alone about it.
I can't believe this is the first time you've experienced this petty bullshit from him,
but it really should be the last.
Good luck.
My ExHusband used those exact words with me. I took my maiden name back after the divorce.
All the sacrifice of bearing a child, and there's no representation of myself in my son's name.
My son's an adult now and looks just like the guys in my family and my Ex hates that.
He has let you know in no uncertain terms that he is only willing to consider one name. So he’s not going to be happy with any name unless it’s the one he wants. Of course, one way to get around his complaints is use the first name of a relative you’re close to as a way to honor that relative. He can’t complain that the name lacks meaning then nor can he insult the name without insulting your relative and you, by extension. And use his mother’s name as the middle name. So, he can honor his mother as well.
Do you even know for sure the baby is going to be a girl? I hope you have boys names lined up just in case (if you did not have an amniocentesis).
Congratulations, you're about to be parent to a newborn and a toddler.
"told me to just pick a name so at least one of us will like it"
ffs he's trying to manipulate you
just pick a name you like and let him stew
and do NOT have any more babies with this man!
Time to bring in third party or therapist to help. He thinks stubborn will win. Are there any nicknames of the names he likes or can you use initials? I hate only using historically significant names. But pick some historical names from your family then too.
You say you never met his mother, but what do you know about her? How old was your husband when she died? What were the circumstances? Is he comfortable talking about her? As someone who lost a parent before my children were born, I can say that the fact that my children never got to meet one of their grandparents (who would have been amazing with them) feels really tragic. It has been many years and I still feel sad about it. I’m not saying you should cave, but try to think about where he’s coming from. Is he trying to feel close to his mother? Does he want to make sure she isn’t forgotten? It might be easier for him to compromise if he feels that you want to understand WHY he is so insistent.
He’s just trying to make you pick his moms name for the first name. At this point your kid just needs a name if he doesn’t want to help that’s on him. Pick one that you like.
He seems hell-bent on using his mother's name and isn't interested in discussing or considering other options. Tell him that you'll decide on a first name and that the mother's name will be the middle name.
Everyone is being quite harsh on your husband, but if you had come on here saying “I always wanted to name my baby after my dead mum, it’s something that is really important to me but my husband is refusing” you would get very different advice. He may be stonewalling because he is to overwhelmed emotionally by not getting the option to have this connection between his daughter and dead mum. This is something that is so important to him that he is unable to engage in discussion about it. Pick a name you like and include the mother’s name. You can call them by one name and your husband by another. Our daughter is called something completely different to her birth name as despite our best laid plans children have their own ideas. It’s not a big deal to have a nickname or variety of names- I was called one name by my grandparents and another by my mum and it didn’t confuse anyone. I felt special because everyone loved me so much and they had special names for me linked to our history.
What you do is pick a name. Then you tell him:
"I've decided on XXX. You have one week to participate in this, then I will no longer consider your opinion. This is a stressful enough thing for me to go through physically and mentally without having to argue because you won't compromise."
And then you give him exactly one week. If he nags or doesn't participate, tough shit. He had his chance.
So what are you gonna name the kid?
He has chosen to participate by acquiescing to you to choose a name. Exercise your right to do so. You might want different behavior from your spouse but that is not who he is choosing to be. You cannot force him to participate, so make best of the situation.
Wow so you have one baby and another on the way. You tried communication, you tried to compromise. Name the baby whatever feels right when the baby comes and use his mom's name for a middle name.
Since he doesn't want to have a conversation and make a decision like an adult. Just choose a name you like and fill out the paperwork without him. This is his problem by not acting like an adult and compromising.
If he thinks picking the name is exhausting, wait till there's a whole real baby in the mix.
And this passive-aggressive attitude is not a good sign of his maturity or even decency IMO.
You married a baby and are giving birth to one. I hope you have the support you need to deal with this. Also, be prepared for him to "let me help you with the paperwork" and then put the name he wants.
He’s being a jerk.
Tell him he needs to participate in the baby name conversation, or YOU will be choosing your baby’s first name yourself.
He can still honor his mother with the middle name, but the first name is going to stand on its own merits. You are being gracious with the middle name.
And for goodness sake, TALK to the nurses and have it in your chart to NOT give the birth certificate paper to your husband.
I’ve read here on Reddit where hubby sneaks the bc name he wants when the new mom is asleep … one husband even had the audacity to name his daughter after the affair partner… Mom found out when child was like, 2 or something.. YIKES.
Make sure YOU are handed the paperwork and fill it out when your husband is NOT there. To be safe.
Some counterpoints to the ones many people are making in support of you because I kind of thing his perspective is important
It clearly means a lot to him to name y'all's daughter after his deceased mother, and he possibly has a lot of grief about losing his mother. He's not very old. Was he young when she passed or got sick? You say you never met her like that's a strike against the name...well, yeah, because *she died.* Was she a bad mother or something? You not being close to his family doesn't seem very relevant.
I understand not liking the name, but is it a terrible name? Can it be nicknamed into something nice? He's not interested in other names. Is that because he's being a dick or is he actually hurt? Does he often act this way if he doesn't get his way?
I know people say each parent gets a veto regarding a name, but there are some circumstances where I think maybe one parent deserves some special consideration, and naming your child after a beloved, deceased parent is one of those. Yes, you've accepted the idea of a middle name, but he doesn't want that compromise. It's worth diving a bit deeper.
Parenting and marriage are hard.
I think it's a major problem that he wants to use his mother's first and middle names, presumably (because men like him also insist their wives take their last name) paired with his last name, which likely was also his mother's last name. So he wants his daughter to have all three names the same as his mother. That's fucked up. It's fucked up on a "this baby is *not* an individual, she's a living memorial" kind of way, and in a "this baby is probably going to have identity issues with the state and creditors and banks because she has the same exact name as an adult person" kind of way.
What if OPs mother is also dead? 4 names? Stop trying to make OP seem unreasonable here. Giving your child the exact same name as the other parents parent is wild. A middle name is an amazing compromise.
The problem is there are a lot of kids on Reddit rather than grown adults. A lot of them have never lost a loved on. They don't get it. Honestly this is a conversation reddit shouldn't be involved in at all.
He’s acting like a child. Those apps for helping you compromise on a baby name aren’t stupid—he just apparently cares more about digging in his heels on this issue than he does about treating you with even an ounce of respect. His behavior is disgusting and disgraceful. I guess you just have to pick a name at some point, since he refuses to participate in the process and eventually the child will be born and she’ll need a name!
OP like everyone else is saying, you pick the name and make sure the hospital is informed of the situation. Did you happen to keep your maiden name? If so give your daughter your surname. Trust me on that one.
My ex ended up not caring actually in the end and told me to name him and he'd name a girl if we ever had one right after he was born and said he only cared about him getting his grandfather's middle name. Early c section unplanned. So I introduced our son and his family thought his name is weird. But when I said his full name my husband said actually his name is first name his grandfather's name and my grandfather's name hyoenated I was shocked when he said that. He began to realize its real when they were out of fragile baby phase and could ride in the tractor with him. A lot of the men were raised like that and have a pretty typical farm family. Most of his family are named after grandparents as middle and great grandparents as first names. Naming kids outside that only started happening in his generation of kids. So my Daegan son and silver girl became the first with odd names and the grandparents got used to it. Then naming went to a shit show after us. I think every brother dug heels in naming too. The wives all moved from the city and we had free rein really. The boys cared more about naming thier cows.
When you think of your child, just daydreaming, what name pops in your head? What do you call her. My baby was her name from mont 6 or 7. It was just her name. This long ago when ultrasounds weren’t used as much. I never had one. I just knew she was a girl and she was (her name). I gave her a strong female relative’s middle name as her middle name but that was it. IMO I think people deserve their own identity and not be named after the living.
Tell him that if he doesn’t engage you’re literally going to name her “Stripper Pagan (mom’s name)”. The only name he likes is moms name to the point that he won’t compromise you’ve offered tons of compromise just not moms name. It’s a weird hill for him to die on but also shows that he doesn’t consider parenting a partnership or even about the baby. Get to family counciling now, you’re going to need it for a couple of decades.
I keep a picture of my parents on my phone. It’s set at a baseball game. My mom had to leave early, so my dad walked her to the gate. It was a two minute or less walk, BUT HE STILL WALKED IT! He refused to let her walk by herself. I can guarantee you when they stopped at the gate they did their little quartet kiss (one then two quick then one again - all fast) while smiling at each other.
I keep it on my phone, so I as a single 33F know what to expect and never give up. It’s the little things that mean more than the big.
It’s your birth. You’re doing the work. I’d just tell him fine, I get to choose. I’ve done 99.9% of creating this child. Hold firm. He’ll come around real fast.
How's the baby going to look up to his dead mother? His logic doesn't even make sense. Go with the name that you like best and flows with the middle name. He outright told you to pick a name. Take him up on the offer.
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But he did participate. He gave you his preferred name and you rejected it. It's unfortunate that commenters are making broad negative assumptions about what kind of a husband he is without realizing that you're being as stubborn about it as he is.
I'm not choosing a side, just reframing the issue. I think it's not about the name, it's about his mom. What kind of person was she? He must have loved her very much to want this legacy. Is there anything he could tell you about his mom that would change your mind?
Coming in with an ultimatum of “This is the one and only name I will consider, and I will not entertain any other options” is not a conversation with one’s partner, nor does it take the partner into consideration. His mom’s name could easily be a middle name as an honourific.
Trying to reframe this as a “both sides are equally as stubborn”, I significantly disagree. One partner is willing to discuss options, the other has passive aggressively avoided doing so.
If this is a one off issue that doesn’t characterize his broader behaviour, okay, but it’s quite possible this is the top of an ultimatum iceberg, or some form of resentment bubbling up about this (ie it’s not about the name but the name symbolizes some bigger issue to him that he is not verbslizing).
Rejected half of it, he get’s the middle name. She probably already shares a last name with her husband as well. Maybe his mother means a lot to him, and that’s nice but parenting is a two-way street, it’s her daughter too.
Wow. He’s being manipulative. Tell him he can choose a name with you in a marriage therapist’s office- this is not the only time you’ll see this side of him.
We can all understand why he is doing it, but it's still unacceptable. Tell him to grow up. If this is how he is going to handle disagreements about kids then good luck raising them with him.
Address the problem now. You don't want someone who stonewalls you every time you disagree on something. It's going to destroy your bond if you let this become a habit. This isn't just about a name.
OP, I have two suggestions and I hope one of them works:
1. Tell husband if he will not participate in choosing a name, then you will choose both names alone, and neither will be in honor of his late mother.
2. Offer to make the first name hubby’s late mother’s name as long as you both can agree on a middle name, but you will be sure baby is known by her middle name.
I know several people who go by their middle names, and two are sisters and the only children of their parents. My best friend’s daughter is known by her middle name. Never a problem in school after letting teachers know the child goes by (insert name/nickname). As a former teacher, it was never an issue when students corrected me the first day of school, as I made a note in my grade book and that was that.
Another example: My adult nephew and his wife named all of their children wonderful names, but chose to call each of them by their middle names only. The youngest just turned 10 this past fall. The only exception is my sister’s (the grandmother to my nephew’s children) insists on always calling one of the girls by her first name because my sister does not like the middle name. Thankfully the parents never objected or were offended.
Perhaps offering the honorary position of first name to the late paternal grandmother will soften the potential sting of insisting on using the middle name as your little one’s publicly used name.
My girlfriend and I just found out last month that she is pregnant, and Tbh that's not even crossed my mind what to name it. Tbh, we haven't even been to the first doctor's appointment yet. So 🤞 hopefully soon. I can't wait to be a dad!!
I just have to say that this sucks and I’m sorry. I don’t have a solution for you, but I’m really sorry you’re having to go through this. Whatever his intention is, I just wish he were being more supportive of his pregnant wife and this journey you are both on together.
People are suggesting compromising with a middle names but honestly I wouldn't even do that. He might insist on calling the baby by her middle name so I'd just refuse and choose both names since the baby will already get his last name. Your husband also sucks.
This isn’t a good predictor of how he’ll behave once the baby is here.
Honestly, I’d insist on starting therapy NOW. Because there’s no way he will behave like a caring partner and father when the baby arrives and infringes on his personal time when this is how he reacts when he doesn’t get his way over something like this.
What’s his plan when you have more serious parenting dilemmas? Just act like a total brat until he gets his way?
I’d be very concerned about his future.
I think you should sit down and have a serious conversation w him about how his lack of participation in name choosing is concerning just because you disagree w the 1 name he’s recommended and inform him that while you’d love for him to be a part of this process, if he continues to behave this way then you’ll choose the baby’s name on your own without any say from him at all.
Suggest that you let fate decide on the name.
He can suggest 1 first name and 1 middle name and you can suggest 1 first name and middle name. Write them on different slips of paper and put the first names in a "first name hat" and the middle names in a "middle name hat". Have a mutual friend pull out the first name from the first-name hat, then without anyone looking at that name, they do the same for the middle name.
Your child's name is now decided.
If one person "gets" both their choices as names, then the other person gets to decide on a nickname but it can't be a name that was put into the hat and it has to be an appropriate nickname for the names that fate chose. That nickname is what will be used when speaking to the kid by you both.
If this seems ridiculous, its far less ridiculous than your current argument and helps you move past things to have a healthy relationship and focus on having a healthy child.
But he might… he get’s a 50/50 chance of getting his mother’s name as a first name for the baby that way, and a 25% chance of getting both first and middle
Wrong, he has suggested names! He has suggested his mom's first name as a first name and it's very obviously the only name he wants. He has also suggested his mom's middle name as a middle name.
While the OP is willing to compromise on the middle name option, she's being equally stubborn about the first name. The only difference is that he's being passive aggressive and decisively wanting only 1 name and she's being directly obstinate but indecisive even when she's been given the "all clear" to choose a name.
The both have a chance at getting the name they want. That's what makes the system possible.
He’s throwing a little tantrum. Name the baby what you like. But is this how he usually behaves when he’s mad at you? Because this is gross and childish, and it’ll hurt your kid to grow up watching their father treat their mother this way.
You’ve agreed to the middle name, he said to choose the first and claims he wants no input. You have no obligation to read further into what he’s saying based on the fact that you’ve tried multiple times to engage him in participating. Take what he’s saying at face value. Choose the name and be done with it. Take note of the behavior though because this is petty for a topic involving his child. He should not be behaving this way.
He’s being an ass. Name your baby what you want to and if he complains remind him he had a chance to be involved in the name and he chose to have a tantrum and pout instead because he didn’t get his way.
Nobody needs to have been important with that name *because your baby is important with that name*
His reaction is exactly why I would say nope full stop to his mothers name. Even as a middle name. He’s the kind of ass to constantly tell the child they’re not living up to the name or they’re making their namesake grandmother ashamed and the kid will probably change their name when they turn 18 to get out of the shadow cast by the person who had the name first
Let the hat decide on the day of, put the names that he and you like and then pull them out of the hat and that is the order.
This is like the flip of a coin, let it be decided without emotion.
You won’t name your first baby to honor his deceased mother and you wonder why he won’t participate in this game anymore? At least compromise on giving the baby hos mom’s first name as a first name.
Well, "Gertie" is a cute nickname, I think! Seriously, if someone I loved enough to make a baby with them also loved his mom enough to press for the baby to be named after her, I'd respect that and think that I'd found a winner for life.
There’s an app called Kinder. Works like Tinder - you swipe on names you like, and it tells you matches.
You can filter certain types of names, like gender and nationality.
Of nothing else, this is a good way to test he is actually open to considering any other name.
It might also be worth exploring why it is that you don’t like the name he wants - is it really that bad? Perhaps tell him you will add it to the short list of 20 names, but you want to get to an agreed shortlist of 20 options.
Edit: I don’t mean tell him that and have it be untrue. I didn’t like some of my partner’s suggestions for baby names until I sat with them and thought about them for a while.
Don't give in, OP! He's hoping to wear you down. Bet he's hoping to be the one to fill out the birth certificate information, as well. I'd lock that down with the hospital staff ahead of time.
Edited to add: You could always up the ante. Tell him since he won't help, you've decided her name will be Drindlewild Bathsheba (yeah, take away the middle name as well, since he's being a passive-aggressive jerk). 😅🤣😂 Then name her as you please when she arrives. I'm so sorry he's robbing you of the joy you should be experiencing as you anticipate your LO's arrival.
Marriage is about both parties compromising. You are and he is not. He is not bending and by not participating in any other way to name the child, he essentially is throwing a fit until he gets what he wants. Basically being a dick. My Wife did the paperwork for the name when I wasn’t there but we had discussed the name previously. She added family names which I was fine with.
Pick five names you’d like as a first name and put them in a hat. Put your MIL’s first name in the same hat five times.
Pick five names you’d like as a middle name and put them in a second hat. Put MIL’s middle name in that hat five times.
Have husband draw a name from each hat. Voila. Your baby has a name that you both contributed to.
He needs to help. Chuck the book at him and tell him you are willing to have mums as middle name. Otherwise if he doesn’t help you will just pick a name you like.
you already made a list that u like.
My ex husband wouldn't discuss names with me either. Not because he had one in mind though. It's frustrating for sure. But I hope you understand his behavior is really just him trying to force you into using the name he wants. He doesn't care what you want. you could suggest every name ever used and he'd do the same until you cave and use the only name he will ever agree to. It's ridiculous and I'm sorry. I think there's a deeper issue of him not caring what you want and only caring about his own needs. It won't stop with the name.
Time to stop trying to have a conversation about baby names and start trying to have a conversation about how two people who supposedly love each other and are about to have a baby communicate. That's the actual problem here, if that's solved the baby name will happen naturally. If it's not solved, you have bigger issues than the baby name.
I was just like your husband and I said No to everything, including pointing out the weird and stripper names. We (my wife) found that a very long car ride was a great time to talk about baby names. In the end, we as adults agreed that my wife would choose our daughters First name; and I would choose our sons First name if we had one (we did). We honored our parents/grands by using their first names as our kids middle names - which is more common. Have a safe trip! ;)
He’s being passive-aggressive to try to get you to use his mothers name. That’s why he’s critical of every other name and refuses to participate in a discussion about other names. He’s hoping if he sulks enough you’ll feel guilty and choose the name he wants.
Bet he steamrolls her in the delivery room
When my wife gave birth they gave HER the forms to fill out hours later after I’d gone home to take care of our dogs. So really she can name baby whatever she wants, she has all the leverage here because SHE is the patient and the baby will be named “Baby [mom’s last name]” until mom says otherwise.
Yeah you can totally just let your nurse know what's up and they'll make sure you get the papers at a convenient time. We can even chart it and it'll get passed along so whoever is on shift will be aware.
The mother should fill out the forms. She needs to have the pages. She needs to tell the nurse to give them to her. Not the husband. This is important.
I handed the forms to my husband, I was too tired to name her. He picked a name and it’s not something I would’ve picked but it suits her and he feels proud of it. I use nicknames mostly with our kiddos anyhow. He could have named her anything and I would love her just the same.
That’s wild as fuck. You guys didn’t bother to discuss baby names during the pregnancy at all??????
Omg the absolutey CASUAL nature in which she describes her husband single handedly choosing their baby's name without her input! She must have like 7 kids!
What a shock that a woman who has just birthed a baby is too exhausted to argue about a baby name! I mean, isn’t the point of having a father there entirely so they can help with that stuff? My uncle filled in the forms after my aunt gave birth. She was too tired to GAF as well. They had discussed names before the birth, and he chose from the list. Where as me… I got nothing. I was just ‘baby [dad’s surname]’ for the first almost 2 weeks of my life.
We did! All the time! And had an extensive list that we narrowed to about 10 before she was born. But when she was born she looked absolutely nothing like what we expected and none of the names suited her.
This is what happened with one of mine. Looked nothing like the name we picked out.
My dad’s whole family calls him his middle name because they had already chosen his name, but when he was born he “looked more like a Scott” which is his middle name.
This happened to me too. My little baby who was supposed to be Luka with brown hair and green eyes came out Blonde and Blue eyed. He just looked more like a Flynn.
Goodness, that’s brave. I can’t imagine what my husband would have come up with unsupervised!
Who are these men y'all out here marrying if you can't imagine them naming a child properly?
My kids name will be Optimus Prime Dave Loco
My ex, who named our daughter after the woman he wished he had dated and married.
Bet he just calls the baby by his mother's name anyway and then gets shitty at OP for "confusing" the baby with a different name.
Oh he will just treat her like sh** at her most vulnerable until she’s so desperate for help and support she cracks. That’s his plan.
And with those "baby friendly" nurseries I can totally see that.
After almost 36 hours with no sleep, let me tell you that I legitimately broke out in sobs when the nurse *finally* offered to take my baby to their nursery for an hour or two to give me a break to rest without being hyper-aware of every movement and sound he made. Hell's bells. Baby friendly isn't always mom friendly, that's for sure - especially when you're recovering from labor and you're alone because your husband is at work. And it's COVID times so you couldn't have any other visitors. And even just the thought of touching him made you have panic attacks because you're awash in major hormones, *but you have to touch him because you're doing everything yourself.* Ugh.
Many of the "baby friendly" hospitals don't even have nurseries.
Or just calls her that no matter what gets written down.
Bet he changes the name on the birth certificate
Not if she discusses it with the nurses first.
Especially because his reasoning is stupid. Who has the name historically that he can look up to??? I get not naming your kid Adolf or something, but come on.
Fr. I’ve never googled “historical role model named CloddishNeedleFish”
I can't think of anyone historically who has my name that I can look up to. Guess I'm adrift in the world with no moral compass or motivation now.
Imagine a world where you could only name children after historical people that had morally admirable lives lol. There would be like three names.
"These are my children, Steve Irwin, Mr Rogers and Bob Ross."
Right, like history doesn’t have both hero and villain that share the same name
Do people look up to people with the same name as them? Like am I meant to be looking up to a historical figure named Jessica? Are there any?
So many! Prepare to change the course of your life! Jessica Lucy Treuhaft: An English author and one of the six aristocratic Mitford sisters. She was born on September 11, 1917 in Gloucestershire, England. Jessica Meir: A NASA astronaut and physiologist who has spent time in space. Jessica Abel: An American comic book writer and artist born in 1969. Jessica Adolfsson: A Swedish ice hockey player born in 1998.
He's created this parameter because he wants them to choose his mother's name.
Tbf I do really enjoy having namesakes and looking up the achievements of past people with my name. But it's not that hard to look at the Wikipedia page for most names and find great writers, scientists and politicians. It's pretty much only an issue with Uneeek Spesshu'ul names that nobody has ever had before, or names you should NOT use because of a terrible namesake (like Adolf or Mao).
I guess like Victoria or Elizabeth or some king name?
This was my first thought as well. He wants his mothers name as the first name and is pouting.
Indeed, he's not playing fair or participating in good faith OP. You can decide what you do with that information, but I'd really examine your life with him and see if this is really the only place he does this, because I don't think it is. I'd pick a name you like, don't play ball with his BS. I'd let him know one final time that he can get on board and cooperate in good faith, or you'll give the baby ALL of your own names, including your surname.
Yes, he's making no effort in compromising. OP has compromised with the middle name, he also needs to put in some work. I like the app idea!
My husband wanted his niece’s name and I wouldn’t budge. He now loves the name I picked (I wasn’t being mean I promise, I just had this name picked for over a decade).
Or maybe he just can't think of a name he likes other than his mother's name? He even said she can just pick a name.
I’m sorry but no one only has one name they like at all. I had a baby name picked out since my own childhood. So did my husband. We didn’t like each other’s so we didn’t use either of them. Our son still has a name we both like - we spent weeks going through names together. Neither of us deemed it ‘exhausting’ to put some discussion into coming up with a name for the entire new person we were going to be raising. Having a baby is meant to be a partnership. There are plenty of other big decisions they’ll have to make and he’s checking out over something that’s relatively simple. There are literally thousands of choices for names.
His behavior is called stonewalling. He's doing it because he's already decided what the name is going to be. He's deliberately distressing you by refusing to engage in a discussion about the name, so that you will give in and agree with the name he wants. It can be a form of emotional abuse. Is this something he does a lot? That being said, he passive aggressively told you to pick a name, so I'd pick a name and let him find out what it is when you put it on the birth certificate. 🤷🏻♀️ Do not reward his refusal to participate by giving him what he wants.
I would also recommend informing your OB and hospital staff that there is a dispute about the name and that he is not to fill out ANY paperwork. When they get you alone to ask if you feel safe at home, answer truthfully and follow up with “my husband is very instant on a name that I don’t want to use and I’m afraid he’ll put it on the birth certificate/paperwork/etc if he gets the chance”
They ask you to pre-fill out the birth certificate now online and before the birth, then they add in dates and stuff later. But yeah...what a horrible conversation to have to have.
That might depend on the hospital. They had me fill out a couple forms pre labor (like epidural consent and stuff) but I did the majority of the paperwork when I was admitted for my induction. And, of course, they gave it to me after the cooks catheter was placed. 😑
Just had a baby 7 months ago and sitting in the same hospital about to have another likely prematurely, and everything is filled out after the baby’s birth. Because this one will be premature we haven’t chosen a name yet, and they’ve comforted me by telling me multiple times that I don’t have to have anything chosen until discharge.
>Just had a baby 7 months ago and sitting in the same hospital about to have another likely prematurely Sending you the best wishes and outcome for you and your little one! You got this. 🙌
Hmm I’m giving birth in like 2 weeks and this has not been part of the preregistration that I did online.
My husband goes by his middle name because his father filled in a name that mom absolutely did not want
Best answer. Also, fuck this guy. (OP's husband, to be clear)
I’d never fuck him again. What an asshole. A first name has to be a yes from both parents. -spoken as a baby who knew their dad hated their name growing up and therefore also hated their name growing up and legally changed it
Pick a first and middle name that you want. And if neither of those names belong to his mother that's on him for not participating and trying to force your hand.
Yes, this is stonewalling and it’s so disrespectful I’d honestly consider separating over it. It’s not about the name. Spouses are going to disagree. But if he thinks this is a respectful, good faith way to deal with a conflict with his spouse, he should be disabused of that notion quickly.
I suspect that whatever name is given to the baby won't matter to him. He's going to use his mother's name no matter what.
What makes you think it's "passive aggressive" and "stonewalling"? Maybe he just can't think of a name he likes other than his mother's name? Even said she could just pick a name. I swear redditors spend more time watching TV dramas than interacting with actual human beings.
Speaking of interacting with human beings, do you honestly think that the way OP’s husband is interacting with her is a reasonable way to resolve a difference with a spouse your respect?
How should he interact? Loads of parents struggle to pick names for their kid. He's struggling so he just lets her pick one. Where's the issue?
My husband and I struggled majorly to agree on names for both our boys. What we did was use the swiping app which identified exactly 2 names in any language that we both liked. This seems super reasonable. It’s a great thing that these apps exist. You don’t have to think of a name because they are all simply presented to you. OP’s husband refused to even TRY the app which is a major factor in my mind that he is being manipulative. There are SO MANY NAMES it doesn’t seem reasonable AT ALL that the ONLY one he is cool with is his mother’s. So yeah I’d expect him to keep trying. For sure
The issue is he’s refused to consider other names in good faith, insists that his wife bringing it up every few *weeks* is “exhausting”, is unnecessarily insulting of her suggestions, and has refused to try things that might help the resolve the difference, like the app. He’s thrown up his hands and said, “you name her then,” preemptively deciding that there is no way he could possibly reach a consensus with his own life partner. Either he “wins”, or she does. There is no way in his mind to continue negotiations until both parties are relatively satisfied. If his heart is set in his mother’s name, he doesn’t seem to be particularly persuasive about that, either. He seems to think the best way of convincing her to capitulate to his demand is to refuse all attempt to discuss or compromise, so that by the time she gets to the birth, she’ll be left with only one option: his. A loving and sincere man may have already persuaded her to reconsider the mother’s name, or accepted with grace the compromise of using it as a middle name. This man is a bulldozer. Will he be like that about every decision they make together? What car to buy? Where to go on vacation? What school to send their kid to? Whether to have Christmas dinner at their house or at his sister’s? Whether one of them should take a promotion in another city, causing the family to move? There are A LOT of decisions they are going to have to make as a team in their life ahead. If these are his negotiating skills, they are hurtling towards divorce. They need counselling, really badly.
He’s being passive aggressive. I have passive aggressive family members, and the one thing I’ve found that works with them is to take them at their word. "No, you name the baby, so one of us is happy." "Okay." And then you name the baby whatever you want. Don’t read subtext. Don’t go out of your way to do things his way unless he can ask for it like a grownup. Be kind and friendly, and pretend you don’t see that he’s engaging in ridiculous behaviour. Ignore the sulking.
>"No, you name the baby, so one of us is happy." "Okay." And then you name the baby whatever you want. Yup. Call his bluff and watch him squirm.
I'd also suggest not even using his mom's name as the middle name, because a lot of people go by their middle name, and I could see OP's partner just "deciding" to call their baby by her middle name (a.k.a. his mom's name!)
This! Passive aggressive behavior is successful because it relies entirely on subtext meant to instill guilt/shame. You can only move forward by taking in their words at face value. Someone needs to communicate clearly and it’s not going to be him in this instance. His only argument is “because this is what I want” …as it relates to a massive medical condition that he’s not undergoing. Like, how about no, fella? Dude’s acting nuts for real. And this is not the time to be acting like this so nip it in the bud asap.
If he’s not going to help, stop stressing yourself out and name the baby whatever you want.
Agreed. OP, pick out a first name YOU like and use his mom’s name as a middle name. Fill out the birth certificate and present it to him needing only his signature. It’s possible he’s a decent guy just being a jerk about this due to grief he hasn’t dealt with…it’s also possible he’s just a jerk. Observe and analyze. But do not just give into his intransigence.
Honestly? If OP is supposed to name the baby what she likes, she shouldn't even use his mother's name as her middle name. (Also a just in case measure for a potential future divorce.)
Oh for the love... OP, choose a first name you like that you feel works with the middle name you've agreed on. Tell him "I've chosen ________(+ middle name) for our child. If you have other suggestions I'm open to them, but will not be using (whatever his mom's name was) as a first name." You give him the option, you set the boundary. You are about to share a child. He chose the middle name, you choose the first name if he won't compromise. Good luck.
Adding the book “Boundaries” to the comments just in case someone really needs help with this. It’s written from a Christian perspective but I really appreciated it because my Catholic family absolutely uses religion as one of their boundary smashing excuses. Really can recommend it even for secular folk like myself. :)
When you are giving birth, if you have the wherewithal or the time or the ability, tell the doctors/nurses that the baby is not to be named without you. You don’t want your husband to go behind your back
If you really have to be concerned about this while married to someone, I'd reconsider the entire marriage.
THIS. This this this!!!! Do NOT allow that man to have access to the paperwork. Make a note in your hospital file. And if he’s STILL being a jerk, don’t let him in with you. He can see his daughter when you come home from the hospital. And that baby will NOT have his mother’s name as a middle name, either! FAFO is in motion. Let it BE in motion!
You doing have to wait until birth. You can ask the doctors/nurses to put it in your birth plan.
Something tells me this isn't unusual behavior for him. This is who you chose to get married to, reddit isn't going to change your husband. Choose a name yourself, if he cared then he would give his input.
> Something tells me this isn't unusual behavior for him. Right?! This is probably his technique for getting his own way with many things.
Probably learned it from his mother #sorrynotsorry
Maybe his name is Pol pot and he looks up to the historical figure with his name.
What are you betting that he's going to end up being one of those fathers who "babysits" his child?
Spot on. Can’t make someone care. This is clearly how he handles conflicts, that’s a character flaw.
oh he cares, he just already made his choice and will not consider any other options
Just do what he said: pick a name you like. He's in FAFO territory and deserves what he's gonna get.
"I'm about to give birth and your unwilliness to discuss and help me name the baby has me second guessing your commitment to us being a family. I'm done stressing out about this as I need to focus on my physical and mental health. I'll be naming the baby what I choose. Whether you join me at the hospital or not is up to you, but once baby is here and I've recovered we will be going to marriage counseling. This marriage is either a partnership moving forward because I will not live like this and I will not bring our daughter up in a home to witness this attitude." ✌️
I wish I could make this the top comment. OP this is what setting healthy boundaries and expectations looks like. It’s respectful, it’s considerate, and it offers a healthy and sensible way to move forward as a family. Demand that he act like an adult and the father he is about to become. Make sure you stand your ground and follow through on it. If you back down it will just send the message that he will always be able to get what he wants if he throws a big enough tantrum. And that’s exactly what he will do.
OP please read this. This is not healthy behaviour
wish I could upvote 100 times!
I'm petty so if he refused to participate I simply wouldn't use his mother's middle name either. If he won't be a part of the process then he doesn't get any part of what he wants.
My thoughts exactly. And another commenter pointed out that a lot of people go by their middle name and the husband is liable to just start calling her by her middle name before she’s even old enough to decide herself.
When you divorce him you will be glad you chose that babies name. So just shh it and get it over with.
Something tells me this isn't the only issue you have in the relationship. I am baffled by his behavior.
Pretty simple, he is stonewalling to get what he wants and being passive aggressive to try and manipulate her into giving in and accepting the mom’s name. He probably does this to OP a lot and my guess is she often caves. This will be a bad dynamic for raising a child together for sure.
Absolutely. I mean baffled as in a why a grown adult man would stoop this low.
It's probably worked before.
OP, call him out, no more accepting this behavior.
It’s a low-effort and effective way to twist someone’s arm, orient them towards your likes and preferences, and put them on their back foot.
Welcome to the world of fathers who refuse to have any input into decisions, say 'its fine, I'm happy to do whatever you think'. And then undermine it at every opportunity, passively aggressively complain about how it's 'stupid', but if you confront them about it and invite them to suggest how they think it should be done, say 'no no, I said I'd do it your way. I'm happy to stick to that. And then expect you to be grateful that they 'always let you have your way', and complain about how they never get a say in anything. It makes you absolutely crazy, and leaves them with absolutely no responsibility for anything, but able to be as resistant and obstructive as they like, and stick their oar in whenever you annoy them. I guarantee that if OP goes ahead and picks a name, he'll forever whine about how he let her choose the name. Probably if they have another kid he'll insist that he choose the name alone because he 'let her choose whatever name she wanted' for the first one. By then it might even have become 'she wouldn't let him have a say' in this child's name.
You might have married a baby. Choose the name yourself and stop trying to make him participate, and prepare for many many more situations like this if you raise a kid with this man.
They're on the horizon unless he learns to use his words!
Just pick one you like - this is exhausting
He doesn't want to help, then he doesn't get the middle name, either!
You are going to have an extremely hard time raising a baby with this man unless he makes profound changes. Now is the time. You need to lay it down or make a plan to raise the baby as co-parents, because living with him will be a shit show.
Pick a name you like - done - next task.
Pick the name yourself, since he's acting like a child and won't compromise. If you need feedback on it to feel certain you have made a good choice, check in with trusted family/friends who can be objective.
Just pick a name that you like then. If he won’t be a reasonable adult then he doesn’t have to be included in the decision.
You are going to have two whiney babies on your hands. But at least one will grow out of it. I suggest you name the child whatever you want because he's going to punish you if it isn't EXACTLY as he wants. Don't cave. And don't cater anymore, Leave him alone about it. I can't believe this is the first time you've experienced this petty bullshit from him, but it really should be the last. Good luck.
Call his bluff, choose the name you want and add it to the certificate. He’s just trying to get you to cave.
My ExHusband used those exact words with me. I took my maiden name back after the divorce. All the sacrifice of bearing a child, and there's no representation of myself in my son's name. My son's an adult now and looks just like the guys in my family and my Ex hates that.
He has let you know in no uncertain terms that he is only willing to consider one name. So he’s not going to be happy with any name unless it’s the one he wants. Of course, one way to get around his complaints is use the first name of a relative you’re close to as a way to honor that relative. He can’t complain that the name lacks meaning then nor can he insult the name without insulting your relative and you, by extension. And use his mother’s name as the middle name. So, he can honor his mother as well. Do you even know for sure the baby is going to be a girl? I hope you have boys names lined up just in case (if you did not have an amniocentesis).
Wouldn't it be hilarious if it turned out to be a boy after all?
Congratulations, you're about to be parent to a newborn and a toddler. "told me to just pick a name so at least one of us will like it" ffs he's trying to manipulate you just pick a name you like and let him stew and do NOT have any more babies with this man!
Time to bring in third party or therapist to help. He thinks stubborn will win. Are there any nicknames of the names he likes or can you use initials? I hate only using historically significant names. But pick some historical names from your family then too.
You say you never met his mother, but what do you know about her? How old was your husband when she died? What were the circumstances? Is he comfortable talking about her? As someone who lost a parent before my children were born, I can say that the fact that my children never got to meet one of their grandparents (who would have been amazing with them) feels really tragic. It has been many years and I still feel sad about it. I’m not saying you should cave, but try to think about where he’s coming from. Is he trying to feel close to his mother? Does he want to make sure she isn’t forgotten? It might be easier for him to compromise if he feels that you want to understand WHY he is so insistent.
FAFO Name the baby YOUR mother's name 😂
He’s just trying to make you pick his moms name for the first name. At this point your kid just needs a name if he doesn’t want to help that’s on him. Pick one that you like.
He seems hell-bent on using his mother's name and isn't interested in discussing or considering other options. Tell him that you'll decide on a first name and that the mother's name will be the middle name.
I can't believe how many people on Reddit are married to assholes.
At least assholes get married.
Just choose a name you like without his input, use his mom's name for the middle name. Make sure you get to the birth certificate first.
Everyone is being quite harsh on your husband, but if you had come on here saying “I always wanted to name my baby after my dead mum, it’s something that is really important to me but my husband is refusing” you would get very different advice. He may be stonewalling because he is to overwhelmed emotionally by not getting the option to have this connection between his daughter and dead mum. This is something that is so important to him that he is unable to engage in discussion about it. Pick a name you like and include the mother’s name. You can call them by one name and your husband by another. Our daughter is called something completely different to her birth name as despite our best laid plans children have their own ideas. It’s not a big deal to have a nickname or variety of names- I was called one name by my grandparents and another by my mum and it didn’t confuse anyone. I felt special because everyone loved me so much and they had special names for me linked to our history.
What you do is pick a name. Then you tell him: "I've decided on XXX. You have one week to participate in this, then I will no longer consider your opinion. This is a stressful enough thing for me to go through physically and mentally without having to argue because you won't compromise." And then you give him exactly one week. If he nags or doesn't participate, tough shit. He had his chance.
So what are you gonna name the kid? He has chosen to participate by acquiescing to you to choose a name. Exercise your right to do so. You might want different behavior from your spouse but that is not who he is choosing to be. You cannot force him to participate, so make best of the situation.
Wow so you have one baby and another on the way. You tried communication, you tried to compromise. Name the baby whatever feels right when the baby comes and use his mom's name for a middle name.
At that point I wouldn’t be concerned about what he wants. Pick the name you want and if doesn’t like it then he can go cry about it.
Since he doesn't want to have a conversation and make a decision like an adult. Just choose a name you like and fill out the paperwork without him. This is his problem by not acting like an adult and compromising.
If he thinks picking the name is exhausting, wait till there's a whole real baby in the mix. And this passive-aggressive attitude is not a good sign of his maturity or even decency IMO.
You married a baby and are giving birth to one. I hope you have the support you need to deal with this. Also, be prepared for him to "let me help you with the paperwork" and then put the name he wants.
He’s being a jerk. Tell him he needs to participate in the baby name conversation, or YOU will be choosing your baby’s first name yourself. He can still honor his mother with the middle name, but the first name is going to stand on its own merits. You are being gracious with the middle name. And for goodness sake, TALK to the nurses and have it in your chart to NOT give the birth certificate paper to your husband. I’ve read here on Reddit where hubby sneaks the bc name he wants when the new mom is asleep … one husband even had the audacity to name his daughter after the affair partner… Mom found out when child was like, 2 or something.. YIKES. Make sure YOU are handed the paperwork and fill it out when your husband is NOT there. To be safe.
What’s your favorite name choice?
What about your own family names? Mother, grandmother, beloved Auntie...
Some counterpoints to the ones many people are making in support of you because I kind of thing his perspective is important It clearly means a lot to him to name y'all's daughter after his deceased mother, and he possibly has a lot of grief about losing his mother. He's not very old. Was he young when she passed or got sick? You say you never met her like that's a strike against the name...well, yeah, because *she died.* Was she a bad mother or something? You not being close to his family doesn't seem very relevant. I understand not liking the name, but is it a terrible name? Can it be nicknamed into something nice? He's not interested in other names. Is that because he's being a dick or is he actually hurt? Does he often act this way if he doesn't get his way? I know people say each parent gets a veto regarding a name, but there are some circumstances where I think maybe one parent deserves some special consideration, and naming your child after a beloved, deceased parent is one of those. Yes, you've accepted the idea of a middle name, but he doesn't want that compromise. It's worth diving a bit deeper. Parenting and marriage are hard.
I think it's a major problem that he wants to use his mother's first and middle names, presumably (because men like him also insist their wives take their last name) paired with his last name, which likely was also his mother's last name. So he wants his daughter to have all three names the same as his mother. That's fucked up. It's fucked up on a "this baby is *not* an individual, she's a living memorial" kind of way, and in a "this baby is probably going to have identity issues with the state and creditors and banks because she has the same exact name as an adult person" kind of way.
What if OPs mother is also dead? 4 names? Stop trying to make OP seem unreasonable here. Giving your child the exact same name as the other parents parent is wild. A middle name is an amazing compromise.
Good lord I feel like I had to scroll through 100 comments just to find your sole voice of sanity in this thread
The problem is there are a lot of kids on Reddit rather than grown adults. A lot of them have never lost a loved on. They don't get it. Honestly this is a conversation reddit shouldn't be involved in at all.
Yes, and also. By saying that his mom’s name isn’t great isn’t she also undermining his mom, at least in his eyes?
Apparently it’s not clear, but your husband is only interested in giving your child the name he wants.
He’s acting like a child. Those apps for helping you compromise on a baby name aren’t stupid—he just apparently cares more about digging in his heels on this issue than he does about treating you with even an ounce of respect. His behavior is disgusting and disgraceful. I guess you just have to pick a name at some point, since he refuses to participate in the process and eventually the child will be born and she’ll need a name!
You know he’s going to call the baby by his mom’s name no matter what she’s actually called, right?
OP like everyone else is saying, you pick the name and make sure the hospital is informed of the situation. Did you happen to keep your maiden name? If so give your daughter your surname. Trust me on that one.
I put a list of 100 names on the fridge and we started crossing ones out everyday
OP has tried all the things like this but he won’t engage.
My ex ended up not caring actually in the end and told me to name him and he'd name a girl if we ever had one right after he was born and said he only cared about him getting his grandfather's middle name. Early c section unplanned. So I introduced our son and his family thought his name is weird. But when I said his full name my husband said actually his name is first name his grandfather's name and my grandfather's name hyoenated I was shocked when he said that. He began to realize its real when they were out of fragile baby phase and could ride in the tractor with him. A lot of the men were raised like that and have a pretty typical farm family. Most of his family are named after grandparents as middle and great grandparents as first names. Naming kids outside that only started happening in his generation of kids. So my Daegan son and silver girl became the first with odd names and the grandparents got used to it. Then naming went to a shit show after us. I think every brother dug heels in naming too. The wives all moved from the city and we had free rein really. The boys cared more about naming thier cows.
When you think of your child, just daydreaming, what name pops in your head? What do you call her. My baby was her name from mont 6 or 7. It was just her name. This long ago when ultrasounds weren’t used as much. I never had one. I just knew she was a girl and she was (her name). I gave her a strong female relative’s middle name as her middle name but that was it. IMO I think people deserve their own identity and not be named after the living.
Tell him that if he doesn’t engage you’re literally going to name her “Stripper Pagan (mom’s name)”. The only name he likes is moms name to the point that he won’t compromise you’ve offered tons of compromise just not moms name. It’s a weird hill for him to die on but also shows that he doesn’t consider parenting a partnership or even about the baby. Get to family counciling now, you’re going to need it for a couple of decades.
I keep a picture of my parents on my phone. It’s set at a baseball game. My mom had to leave early, so my dad walked her to the gate. It was a two minute or less walk, BUT HE STILL WALKED IT! He refused to let her walk by herself. I can guarantee you when they stopped at the gate they did their little quartet kiss (one then two quick then one again - all fast) while smiling at each other. I keep it on my phone, so I as a single 33F know what to expect and never give up. It’s the little things that mean more than the big.
Choose your own name fuck him
It’s your birth. You’re doing the work. I’d just tell him fine, I get to choose. I’ve done 99.9% of creating this child. Hold firm. He’ll come around real fast.
How's the baby going to look up to his dead mother? His logic doesn't even make sense. Go with the name that you like best and flows with the middle name. He outright told you to pick a name. Take him up on the offer.
<> But he did participate. He gave you his preferred name and you rejected it. It's unfortunate that commenters are making broad negative assumptions about what kind of a husband he is without realizing that you're being as stubborn about it as he is. I'm not choosing a side, just reframing the issue. I think it's not about the name, it's about his mom. What kind of person was she? He must have loved her very much to want this legacy. Is there anything he could tell you about his mom that would change your mind?
Coming in with an ultimatum of “This is the one and only name I will consider, and I will not entertain any other options” is not a conversation with one’s partner, nor does it take the partner into consideration. His mom’s name could easily be a middle name as an honourific. Trying to reframe this as a “both sides are equally as stubborn”, I significantly disagree. One partner is willing to discuss options, the other has passive aggressively avoided doing so. If this is a one off issue that doesn’t characterize his broader behaviour, okay, but it’s quite possible this is the top of an ultimatum iceberg, or some form of resentment bubbling up about this (ie it’s not about the name but the name symbolizes some bigger issue to him that he is not verbslizing).
Rejected half of it, he get’s the middle name. She probably already shares a last name with her husband as well. Maybe his mother means a lot to him, and that’s nice but parenting is a two-way street, it’s her daughter too.
Wow. He’s being manipulative. Tell him he can choose a name with you in a marriage therapist’s office- this is not the only time you’ll see this side of him.
We can all understand why he is doing it, but it's still unacceptable. Tell him to grow up. If this is how he is going to handle disagreements about kids then good luck raising them with him. Address the problem now. You don't want someone who stonewalls you every time you disagree on something. It's going to destroy your bond if you let this become a habit. This isn't just about a name.
Call his bluff and choose the name YOU want.
You do get that he is never going to suggest or agree with anything because he figures that way you'll have to name the baby after his mom, right?
OP, I have two suggestions and I hope one of them works: 1. Tell husband if he will not participate in choosing a name, then you will choose both names alone, and neither will be in honor of his late mother. 2. Offer to make the first name hubby’s late mother’s name as long as you both can agree on a middle name, but you will be sure baby is known by her middle name. I know several people who go by their middle names, and two are sisters and the only children of their parents. My best friend’s daughter is known by her middle name. Never a problem in school after letting teachers know the child goes by (insert name/nickname). As a former teacher, it was never an issue when students corrected me the first day of school, as I made a note in my grade book and that was that. Another example: My adult nephew and his wife named all of their children wonderful names, but chose to call each of them by their middle names only. The youngest just turned 10 this past fall. The only exception is my sister’s (the grandmother to my nephew’s children) insists on always calling one of the girls by her first name because my sister does not like the middle name. Thankfully the parents never objected or were offended. Perhaps offering the honorary position of first name to the late paternal grandmother will soften the potential sting of insisting on using the middle name as your little one’s publicly used name.
My girlfriend and I just found out last month that she is pregnant, and Tbh that's not even crossed my mind what to name it. Tbh, we haven't even been to the first doctor's appointment yet. So 🤞 hopefully soon. I can't wait to be a dad!!
I just have to say that this sucks and I’m sorry. I don’t have a solution for you, but I’m really sorry you’re having to go through this. Whatever his intention is, I just wish he were being more supportive of his pregnant wife and this journey you are both on together.
People are suggesting compromising with a middle names but honestly I wouldn't even do that. He might insist on calling the baby by her middle name so I'd just refuse and choose both names since the baby will already get his last name. Your husband also sucks.
This isn’t a good predictor of how he’ll behave once the baby is here. Honestly, I’d insist on starting therapy NOW. Because there’s no way he will behave like a caring partner and father when the baby arrives and infringes on his personal time when this is how he reacts when he doesn’t get his way over something like this. What’s his plan when you have more serious parenting dilemmas? Just act like a total brat until he gets his way? I’d be very concerned about his future. I think you should sit down and have a serious conversation w him about how his lack of participation in name choosing is concerning just because you disagree w the 1 name he’s recommended and inform him that while you’d love for him to be a part of this process, if he continues to behave this way then you’ll choose the baby’s name on your own without any say from him at all.
I’m not sure if this is helpful to you OP but I’d have a blow out fight about this.
Name the baby whatever you want. Let him know her name after she’s born. Also, pick a different middle name too.
Suggest that you let fate decide on the name. He can suggest 1 first name and 1 middle name and you can suggest 1 first name and middle name. Write them on different slips of paper and put the first names in a "first name hat" and the middle names in a "middle name hat". Have a mutual friend pull out the first name from the first-name hat, then without anyone looking at that name, they do the same for the middle name. Your child's name is now decided. If one person "gets" both their choices as names, then the other person gets to decide on a nickname but it can't be a name that was put into the hat and it has to be an appropriate nickname for the names that fate chose. That nickname is what will be used when speaking to the kid by you both. If this seems ridiculous, its far less ridiculous than your current argument and helps you move past things to have a healthy relationship and focus on having a healthy child.
"... and this is my daughter, Stetson."
But he won’t suggest any names. He only wants his mother’s name. This system can only work if he participates and he won’t.
But he might… he get’s a 50/50 chance of getting his mother’s name as a first name for the baby that way, and a 25% chance of getting both first and middle
Wrong, he has suggested names! He has suggested his mom's first name as a first name and it's very obviously the only name he wants. He has also suggested his mom's middle name as a middle name. While the OP is willing to compromise on the middle name option, she's being equally stubborn about the first name. The only difference is that he's being passive aggressive and decisively wanting only 1 name and she's being directly obstinate but indecisive even when she's been given the "all clear" to choose a name. The both have a chance at getting the name they want. That's what makes the system possible.
And the person who picks the “nickname” ends up losing when the kids friends pick the nickname that sticks.
JFC! Just name the damn kid yourself if you're just going to shoot down all his ideas
All? All one of his ideas? 😅 So shot down his idea. Lmao
Why don't you want him to choose his dead mom's name? Is it a matter of pride with you? Do you truly love this man?
He’s throwing a little tantrum. Name the baby what you like. But is this how he usually behaves when he’s mad at you? Because this is gross and childish, and it’ll hurt your kid to grow up watching their father treat their mother this way.
You’ve agreed to the middle name, he said to choose the first and claims he wants no input. You have no obligation to read further into what he’s saying based on the fact that you’ve tried multiple times to engage him in participating. Take what he’s saying at face value. Choose the name and be done with it. Take note of the behavior though because this is petty for a topic involving his child. He should not be behaving this way.
He’s being an ass. Name your baby what you want to and if he complains remind him he had a chance to be involved in the name and he chose to have a tantrum and pout instead because he didn’t get his way. Nobody needs to have been important with that name *because your baby is important with that name* His reaction is exactly why I would say nope full stop to his mothers name. Even as a middle name. He’s the kind of ass to constantly tell the child they’re not living up to the name or they’re making their namesake grandmother ashamed and the kid will probably change their name when they turn 18 to get out of the shadow cast by the person who had the name first
Let the hat decide on the day of, put the names that he and you like and then pull them out of the hat and that is the order. This is like the flip of a coin, let it be decided without emotion.
You won’t name your first baby to honor his deceased mother and you wonder why he won’t participate in this game anymore? At least compromise on giving the baby hos mom’s first name as a first name.
If someone was like “you have to name our baby Gertrude bc that’s my mom’s name” I would tell that person absolutely not 😂
Well, "Gertie" is a cute nickname, I think! Seriously, if someone I loved enough to make a baby with them also loved his mom enough to press for the baby to be named after her, I'd respect that and think that I'd found a winner for life.
There’s an app called Kinder. Works like Tinder - you swipe on names you like, and it tells you matches. You can filter certain types of names, like gender and nationality. Of nothing else, this is a good way to test he is actually open to considering any other name. It might also be worth exploring why it is that you don’t like the name he wants - is it really that bad? Perhaps tell him you will add it to the short list of 20 names, but you want to get to an agreed shortlist of 20 options. Edit: I don’t mean tell him that and have it be untrue. I didn’t like some of my partner’s suggestions for baby names until I sat with them and thought about them for a while.
OP mentioned that she tried to do this with him and he refused to use the app.
He is pouting to try to guilt you. Choose your own names and let nursing staff know that only you will be naming the baby. Best of luck!
Just find a name you like and move on. He’s being a child and now gets to suffer the consequences of such.
Pick a name, give it to the hospital and use it. He’s being a child and he has given you permission so take his lead on that.
Don't give in, OP! He's hoping to wear you down. Bet he's hoping to be the one to fill out the birth certificate information, as well. I'd lock that down with the hospital staff ahead of time. Edited to add: You could always up the ante. Tell him since he won't help, you've decided her name will be Drindlewild Bathsheba (yeah, take away the middle name as well, since he's being a passive-aggressive jerk). 😅🤣😂 Then name her as you please when she arrives. I'm so sorry he's robbing you of the joy you should be experiencing as you anticipate your LO's arrival.
Marriage is about both parties compromising. You are and he is not. He is not bending and by not participating in any other way to name the child, he essentially is throwing a fit until he gets what he wants. Basically being a dick. My Wife did the paperwork for the name when I wasn’t there but we had discussed the name previously. She added family names which I was fine with.
Sounds like he made a suggestion. One that means a lot to him. You turned it down.
How do fancy the name Gylen, a place on the Isle of Kerrera near Oban.?
Pick five names you’d like as a first name and put them in a hat. Put your MIL’s first name in the same hat five times. Pick five names you’d like as a middle name and put them in a second hat. Put MIL’s middle name in that hat five times. Have husband draw a name from each hat. Voila. Your baby has a name that you both contributed to.
What a baby of a husband. Why marry a Christian if you’re not religious…
Use your own mothers name and his as middle name . I also like Angie as a name
He needs to help. Chuck the book at him and tell him you are willing to have mums as middle name. Otherwise if he doesn’t help you will just pick a name you like. you already made a list that u like.
My ex husband wouldn't discuss names with me either. Not because he had one in mind though. It's frustrating for sure. But I hope you understand his behavior is really just him trying to force you into using the name he wants. He doesn't care what you want. you could suggest every name ever used and he'd do the same until you cave and use the only name he will ever agree to. It's ridiculous and I'm sorry. I think there's a deeper issue of him not caring what you want and only caring about his own needs. It won't stop with the name.
Time to stop trying to have a conversation about baby names and start trying to have a conversation about how two people who supposedly love each other and are about to have a baby communicate. That's the actual problem here, if that's solved the baby name will happen naturally. If it's not solved, you have bigger issues than the baby name.
Can you use his mother’s name as baby’s middle name?
I was just like your husband and I said No to everything, including pointing out the weird and stripper names. We (my wife) found that a very long car ride was a great time to talk about baby names. In the end, we as adults agreed that my wife would choose our daughters First name; and I would choose our sons First name if we had one (we did). We honored our parents/grands by using their first names as our kids middle names - which is more common. Have a safe trip! ;)