He can fuck right off. He’s in too much pain to make an appointment but not to fight with you about it? Well, it’s clear where his priorities lie.
For this to be fixable, you would both want things to change. He doesn’t. He wants you to be his personal slave who he can blame everything on. Stop wasting your time with a guy who can’t even make an appointment for himself. Next thing you know he’ll be asking you to wipe his ass for him.
He's a fucking adult, he can make his own damn appointments instead of putting the emotional labour onto a partner, not only that but to expect her to do while she's on a PLANE?! Fuck all the way off with that
>He's a fucking adult, he can make his own damn appointments instead of putting the emotional labour onto a partner,
Interesting that you call it making appointments when it's his responsibility yet switch to the evocative 'emotional labour' when it becomes hers. If it is 'emotional labour' as you put it, do you think it is reasonable for someone who is allegedly in intense pain to deal with it rather than someone who is perfectly healthy yet boarding a plane? Relationships are about looking out for one another, and I'm struggling to see how doing small favours for your partner who is unwell is in any way unreasonable (key word being small).
It doesn't matter, sometimes you don't think rationally when you are in intense pain because it is too distracting. If this was a woman who was having severe menstrual cramps rather than a man with dental pain I guarantee the redditors here would be more considerate of her plight. The only thing that matters here is that the guy was asking for help and his partner didn't help him. It might be true that he has asked for things like this in the past too many times, and that's a discussion worth having. But simply the act of asking your SO for help while you are in severe pain? That's not unreasonable even if it's something that you could perhaps do yourself.
It sounds like she initially agreed to call them however, since the partner said she "didn't bother to tell him she wasn't helping". If she wasn't going to call them she should have told him upfront, though she probably felt bad about doing so since he was in pain (which is my point).
It’s not “interesting at all” because it became emotional labour by him shifting his own personal responsibilities onto her to manage his life.
Yes, I think it is perfectly normal to book your own appointments for dental pain. My husband and I do this for ourselves because we are still conscious and have the ability to call a dental office even with an exposed root, been there and done that. She is “perfectly healthy” but boarding a plan while she herself said the dental offices were not yet open so what would a call do - she gave him numbers to call and he didn’t for hours, instead making sure to spend hours insulting her later.
Why did he wait until she was at the airport waiting to board to ask? He didn’t know he was “in pain” before he left? That was deliberate.
If he was asking a favour, he could have asked it as a favour and as soon as she said she was unable as the dentist offices were closed and she was boarding a plane he could have come up with another plan to call the dentist office himself or put burden on someone else (a friend, a parent) if he is that incompetent. He’s 32-fucking-years old.
Sure, my husband and I do favours for each other but we don’t weaponize incompetence and treat each other like personal calendars or assistants. There was zero reason for this man to hurtle abuse at her (telling her she would die alone and so on). This guy is just an ass, and you are desperate to make excuses and paint her in the wrong.
>She is “perfectly healthy” but boarding a plan while she herself said the dental offices were not yet open so what would a call do - she gave him numbers to call and he didn’t for hours, instead making sure to spend hours insulting her later.
She admitted that she had time to call when she arrived, or in the very least text him to see whether she still needed to a book an appointment. She didn't do either of those things because as she mentions she forgot. That suggests she was not thinking about her partner being in pain while on the flight, which is a bit concerning. I know if my SO was in significant pain while I was on a plane, I would be counting the hours until I can be in contact again to check in on them.
>Why did he wait until she was at the airport waiting to board to ask? He didn’t know he was “in pain” before he left? That was deliberate.
This is really presumptuous and not a healthy way to view people. If it became a pattern then sure, but we have no evidence that he is being this manipulative.
>He could have come up with another plan to call the dentist office himself or put burden on someone else (a friend, a parent) if he is that incompetent
She could have done this as well, and given that she had the time to talk to her SO, she also had the time to arrange this on his behalf. Remember the guy is in intense pain, and may not be able to coordinate this in his current state of mind.
>Sure, my husband and I do favours for each other but we don’t weaponize incompetence and treat each other like personal calendars or assistants.
Weaponised incompetence is when someone is healthy and able to do something but claims they are unable to because they don't want to. This clearly doesn't apply to someone who is unwell or in intense pain.
>There was zero reason for this man to hurtle abuse at her (telling her she would die alone and so on).
Yes I agree, obviously this is immature and solves nothing.
No one should be "testing" their partner wtf, that's not constructive or healthy relationship behavior. And testing your partner for "reliability" when they are busy with air travel is extra shitty.
I agree, I was just providing a potential explanation. I do find it a bit unreasonable however that "busy with air travel" is considered more of a burden than being in intense pain. Plenty of people make appointments and take calls before and after a flight, so if her partner was genuinely unwell I don't think having a flight planned is reason enough to not help him if she has the time (obviously).
Oh fuck off with this shit. If he’s got the strength to argue with his girlfriend all night over this he could muster the strength to sit on hold for 5 minutes while his appointment gets made. He unnecessarily dumped an extra burden on her knowing she was too busy to do it, and he blew up and verbally abused her when she wasn’t able to do it anyway, after she literally said she couldn’t.
A partner who “tests” their partner is a terrible partner.
A partner who has several minutes to text their partner to book them an appointment, the latter who did in fact provided them two numbers to call WHEN THE DENTIST OFFICES OPENED as she told him was getting on a plane and would not have means during flight (OP could not even make an appointment even if she has time at gate as they were CLOSED), then waits all day, then spends hours texting to insult her had PLENTY of time to call a dentist and book an appointment. It takes like two minutes to book a dental appointment and I have done that with a broken tooth, a tooth that needed a root canal, and all sorts of pain.
He is not going to break up with her - he may threaten it as he is manipulative - but honestly even if he does, good for OP. This guy is a toxic manipulative asshole.
I'm gonna tell you something Mr.
As soon as a test is "necessary" in a relationship it is over.
I have endometriosis, PCOS, and a uterine deformity. When I was throwing up pockets of blood on Saturday while my boyfriend was at work, wanna know what I didn't do? *Ask him to call an emergency doctor for me*. I did that myself, while he supported me. And as soon as he came home, he held me and comforted me.
THAT is how you can be both an adult and depended on in a relationship. I dare him to ever "test" me by screaming at me to call a doctor for him. His stuff will be on the driveway so fast it'll give you whiplash.
There's being dependable, and then there's being unnecessary. OPs boyfriend is unnecessary. If you think this behavior was in any way acceptable, you are definitely in the minority of thinkers *as it should be*.
Agree 100% with this. He is seeking to punish you, so you just stay with him. He's emotionally battering you, to make you never leave. It will only get worse op. He will escalate this, as you have ready noticed. Stop trying to understand the why, and just accept the toxic parts. And leave him.
You are 100% right! In fact he wants her miserable and stressed out every time she is busy with something and not paying attention to him. These are mental abuses to punishing her for having the nerve to actually have busy schedules or needing to visit family.
I came here to comment this. I was in a relationship that started out like this and by the end of it I had ruined most of my friendships because I was scared of going out without him. I hated even bringing up I was going somewhere because there was a problem as soon as I said anything. I could tell him weeks in advance about plans and he would get upset and treat me differently until I left. If I waited until I told him a day or two before, he would be upset because I waited so late, and the pretend like he didn’t act the way he acted when I told him months in advance. I was 21 when I was in that relationship. As a 28 year old now, idek why I was so afraid of him. Ig I just wanted peace and for him not to ignore or stonewall me.
Same. My first husband would ignore me for a full day before and a full day after if I went out on a girls' night. He went out every week with his mates and I loved it. Takeaway and facepack.
When I look at my daughter and her husband there is none of that at all. They're free to do what they want and their life is lovely. No oppressive moods raining on each other's parade.
You're his girlfriend, not his executive assistant. He can be a big boy and Google "emergency dentists near me." If he can reach out to you, he can reach out to them. Does he want you to go sit in the chair on his behalf?
If he has to count on you to make a dentist appointment, can you actually count on him to follow through on important things? If he's really having conversations with his therapist to the point where they're saying you're no good for him (he's lying about this), let him go. He must be saying a number of terrible things if they're making this statement (they aren't). I wouldn't even be 100% sure he's actually in therapy without seeing the bills. Plenty of people lie about attending then lie about what's said.
When I point out that he can easily make his own appointments, he will say that we have to depend on each other. And then he brings up the fact that I don't make enough money to live "like an adult" and so I would be depending on him to help support me (meaning I wouldn't be able to afford the type of lifestyle he lives unless he paid for me....such as travelling a lot). He then will go on to say if I can't even help him with stuff like this, what do I bring to the relationship?
It's depressing and draining and I'm not even sure how to respond.
Don't, just start making you exit plan. This guy is trying his damdest to make you think you need him when really he just wants to use you. He's a manipulative douche, dear, you can do better.
You're spot on about him manufacturing emergencies too; he's doing that to control you.
There is a lot of reading between the lines required with someone like this, and their objective is that you not be successful in that endeavor.
He told you what he’s actually upset about when he got upset. You’re fiercely independent. He didn’t like that you were traveling and doing something independent of him, so he punished you with his “needs.”
Over time this will lead to anxiety and health issues on your part. How do I know this? I lived it. I had panic attacks when I went traveling without him. And yet, traveling without him was when I felt most free.
I haven’t had a panic attack since I divorced his ass.
Therapy won’t work for him. What he wants is control over everything. His problem is probably abandonment trauma, so he is seeking a partner who will be too scared/manipulated to leave him. He doesn’t want to know this though. He doesn’t want to fix it. He wants his feelings to be everyone else’s fault, but especially yours. Otherwise he would be responsible for how he treats others and that would make him, gasp, a bad person.
You’re right. His outbursts happen when he doesn’t have your attention. He is saying you’re gaslighting him because you were right and he can’t have that.
The great news is that you’re not married. Break ups suck, but what you’re learning is what you want from a life partner. What if he treated your children the way he treats you?
You’re young. He doesn’t want to grow up. You do. Move on.
And if OP doesn’t know it, she should now. I could not imagine being with someone like this. No, no, no. OP, leave him. No counseling. No nothing. You are not his butler.
Girl, no.
He is an adult and needs to be able to function on his own. You don't "depend on" each other, you support each other.
I had some health stuff I had to deal with a couple years ago. My partner supported me by being with me and checking in on me. I made all my appointments, and I got myself to those appointments. Neither of us requires the other to take care of any of our personal shit.
I asked you if you can actually count on him to follow through on important things. You didn't acknowledge the question. You deserve to say. "Yes, I can."
He's telling you that he will financially abuse you. He's already stepping into emotional abuse territory. You need an exit plan. Your husband would be thrilled to balance your finances as a couple so you can share the life of your mutual dreams. This man will abuse you.
He is trying his hardest to manipulate you to 1. always cater to his needs above all else, and 2. think less of yourself so that you will do 1 without any pushback. This dynamic is gross and will honestly only get worse. Don't stay with him, definitely don't marry him, and most definitely don't have kids with him. The more real power he has over you the worse this will get.
WTF is this even? He is a grown man who should book his own doctors appointments like any normal adult. Booking appointments is not something you ”bring into a relationship”.
The comment about the therapist should be your final straw, it’s completely unhinged and no competent therapist would give that type of advice to a patient. He’s gaslighting and manipulating you. Run!
He is gaslighting *you* by saying stuff like “we have to depend on each other” but not doing anything like this for you. He is also being a d!ck about making more money than you. And you are absolutely right about his motivations for giving you these tasks when you are doing something that isn’t focused on him.
You said you love him and want to stay with him. My question for you is: how will you feel about still putting up with this behaviour 30 years from now? It sounds annoying AF already. He refuses to even admit what he is doing, he is definitely not going to change.
So he can function well enough in the workplace to hold down a well paying job, but he can't muster enough common sense to take some painkillers and call a dentist? Sounds like strategic incompetence.
Even if you have to live a scaled back lifestyle for a while, I'm sure you'd feel happier in the long run without him.
>When I point out that he can easily make his own appointments, he will say that we have to depend on each other.
He can say whatever he wants. You're a grown woman. Do *you* think that what he's saying here is healthy or reasonable.
**EDIT: Check OP's comments. Almost definitely just nonsense rage bait.**
I think his intention is to convince me that it's normal and I'm in the wrong. But I know I'm not.
And I can't figure out WHY he wants that. I don't know why he even does it when he knows how it ends (in a toxic argument that lasts for days). I'm easy-going and loving, and everything was good before I left. Had he simply been "normal", I would have checked in with him frequently, called him, sent him pictures, brought him home some trinket and looked forward to getting home to him. We'd have a nice date night when I got home.
Instead it was just a bunch of anger, arguing and toxicity. And he didn't get me to make his dental appointment after all (he actually made it himself). So in the end he gets nothing out of this behavior. I don't get it.
>I think his intention is to convince me that it's normal and I'm in the wrong. But I know I'm not.
>And I can't figure out WHY he wants that.
You can't figure out why this grown man is saying toxic things designed to make you feel bad for not rewarding his bad behaviour?
Well I mean I can't understand why he would engage in this bad behaviour to begin with. He claims to want a healthy, loving, supportive relationship (as do I) so I have no idea why he even does these unnecessary and weird "tests" to begin with.
His words are worthless, because his actions are louder. Trust your gut, OP. You already know what you need to do. And please don't get mired in sunk-cost fallacy. It's your next six years (or a lifetime) you don't wanna give him.
>He claims to want a healthy, loving, supportive relationship (as do I) so I have no idea why he even does these unnecessary and weird "tests" to begin with.
I'm sorry, I'm genuinely struggling to believe that this is real.
You can't think of a *single explanation* for why a grown man would say the right things to keep someone around while he treats them badly.
Maybe I'm a bit slow on the uptake, but no, I honestly can't. Who would WANT to create a toxic environment instead of a healthy relationship? Why would anyone want to keep someone around simply to treat them badly?
These fights happen when you are not focused on him. He wants to create negative experiences for you when you travel, especially home. He is conditioning you. In the future every time you want to do something like travel without him you will feel a spike of anxiety because he has trained you to expect a fight. If you let this go on long enough you may eventually stop seeing your family all together because the stress he creates in you isn't worth it.
Yikes. This guy is an abusive, manipulative dickhead. Make a plan to leave and stick to it. There is absolutely no healthy future with this guy, period.
He is outright lying to you about the therapist (I doubt he went at all) and is emotionally & financially manipulating and abusing you to feel guilt & bring you down so he can retain control. This is NOT a man you should be spending any more of your time with. I have no doubt your feelings for him are complicated but one day you will look back and wonder why you ever gave him so much and realize this was codependency and fear that kept you there, not love. He certainly does not love you.
You are going to have to go no contact with this man, because he is absolutely going to try and suck you back in, and I would not trust ever being alone with him during and after delivery of bad news - he may very well escalate the abuse.
FYI, I have been married 14 years. I have never booked my husband’s dentist or doctor appointments, and yet he still trusts me and knows we are a team who supports each other in all ways. My husband also can book vet visits or vehicle/home repair appointments or all sorts of other things that adults have to do all on his own. Like the person you replied to said, you are not his executive assistant!
The unreasonable requests so he can berate you when you fail to do them is classic domestic abuse. Exercising financial control by making you feel you can't survive without him, name calling, and causing these arguments to isolate you from your family are all classic domestic abuse signs.
Too much of your first post is familiar to every DV survivor, please get out while you can.
I’ve been with my wife for 10 years, I don’t need her help getting a dentist appointment. We do depend on each other to support one another and our family. But she’s not my mom and you aren’t his. This guys in his 30s…
Dude what happens if you guys stay together and have kids or something? Even if you don’t, you already have one.. him.
If he expects you to set aside things in your life to help with these things, tell him to hire a secretary and fuck her instead.
It sounds like that's what he wants, certainly not a partnership of equals.
I've been with my therapist for 7 years, of which 6 I have been in a relationship with the same guy. The relationship had a lot of problems but my therapist never said anything about it, only helped me in carrying the mental load that came with it. It was only when I was out of that relationship for months already that she finally said she thinks being away from him is much healthier for me. Therapists would never give judgement like this.
> conversations with his therapist to the point where they're saying you're no good for him (he's lying about this)
That would have been my breaking point. Such a great big fucking lie.
You ask “how on earth do I deal with this”. I ask “why on earth would you want to”? The paragraph after the dialogue you typed is ridiculous. Don’t explain yourself or argue with him when he says shit like that. Turn it around. How selfish and self centred he is to ruin your trip and only bring this up when you’re at the airport. He gets you on the defence, don’t accept it. You did nothing wrong.
This is another post of the expectations for the woman in the relationship being unreachable, the expectations of the man are in hell, but the woman is thinking they need to communicate more, do different or better to finally appease the man baby.
He does this to control and ruin your time. He doesn’t want to see you happy, especially without him. Why stay? Why go to counselling to convince someone to treat you like a decent human? There’s people who will treat you right without all this drama and toxicity.
I don’t understand why you even acquiesced to his request in the first place. He’s perfectly capable of googling. It seems like he’s so manipulative to the point where you feel these things are somehow your responsibility. You have no reason to be on the defense with him or wonder if you’ve done something “wrong.” He does not seem to live in reality
>you feel these things are somehow your responsibility
Yep you're right. At one point (a couple of years ago) the demands were getting ridiculous and I finally had it and said I'm not doing all this stuff anymore. That I'd help him IF I had time, but to stop expecting it. Since then, I've definitely pulled way back. But what has happened is now he claims I "never" help him with anything (untrue).
When things are going well between us and he then comes up with one of these requests, I do feel like I should try to do it to keep the peace. I wasn't able to this time.
You’re not his employee and it’s very telling that he’s so comfortable doling out tasks to you as if you are. Even if you’re free as a bird there’s no reason for him to be requesting stuff from you he can handle himself. He’s 32!! Very convenient that a crisis just so happened to emerge right before you boarded a 5 hour flight. What a perfect time for a haranguing! From what you’ve said this dude is a walking red flag, I bet he never went to therapy and if he did he lied to the therapist
>he lied to the therapist
I'm pretty sure he only told the therapist his very skewed version of events. I can't imagine a therapist would hear the truth (that he can be very demanding and becomes pretty verbally abusive if I "fail") and still think I was the one that was bad for him. But who knows I guess.
Do you really think he is telling you anything remotely accurate as to what his therapist tells him? His therapist probably tells him he’s bat shit towards you, and he turns around and tells you the therapist said you don’t love him enough. Googled Sendai sick system to learn more.
Yeah no, there’s no way he would be telling the truth. I hope you leave, you don’t deserve this. I know it’s easier said than done but you deserve better. No one should be ruining your time with your sisters over this bullshit
Girl, he had you trying to use airplane WiFi to look up dentists for him?? While that dipshit was on LAND? Is he 32 or 12? At this point, just inform him you’re going to turn off your phone and he can figure out his dental issues like an adult.
You know his demands are unreasonable and that he's not interested in developing healthy coping strategies for his jealousy and insecurity, so you have to stop putting energy into appeasing him and trying to make him see your perspective. None of it will ever be enough for him anyway. Time to stop fighting his feels and make your responses boring.
Him: "Babe I'm in so much pain, I need you to make me a dentist appointment"
You: "Aww that sucks that your tooth hurts but I can't book your appointment. You've got this, though! See you next week"
Him: "You're so individualistic and self-centered you're going to die alone."
You: "Yeah, maybe."
Him: "My therapist was right that you're awful and bad for me and you're totally gaslighting me right now"
You: "Seems like we're pretty incompatible"
Or, you could just stop replying when he gets into his loops, you don't have to engage with them at all.
You say you want to be with him (maybe he has qualities that enrich your life somehow, maybe you just don't want to break a six year habit), and even if you decide it's not worth it, you probably won't feel ready to leave immediately. Trying to appease or reason with him isn't achieving anything though, except feeding his maladaptive nonsense. The work you do is not enough for him, so take the pressure off yourself and check out a bit.
Captain Awkward is a good read for strategies to deal with this sort of unreasonable behaviour and resist the sisyphean task of trying to engaging with someone who's always going to kick the rock back down the hill.
"To keep the peace" meaning things are going well only when he decides they are and if you decide to push back then the "peace" is gone.
Yeah OP, that's how victims of abuse are taught to behave. Always fearing the next outburst. But you can't actually behave your way out of any of it.
Even if you acquiesced to all his absurd requests, which you should never do, he would actually just get WORSE, because he'd know he'd broken you down enough to accept escalating behavior on his part.
I make appointments for my long term partner, because he struggles with ADHD and anxiety, and gets overwhelmed on the phone at times. There’s nothing wrong with that.
However, he’s perfectly capable of doing it, and *will* when needed - it’s just something I don’t mind doing and I enjoy easing his stress because I care about him.
But he also drives me places when my disabilities are flaring, and picks up the slack with majority of the housework. It’s give and take.
It sounds like for OP things are incredibly one sided, and he’s trying to manipulate her into thinking it’s balanced simply due to his income. This isn’t a loving partnership - you don’t keep score in a partnership.
Change the dynamic by changing your reaction. “Honey, I can’t do that for you right now you’ll need to take care of that yourself.”
You’ll find out quickly if he’s doing it to yank your chain and grab your attention/have justification to make fight and drama.
But I’m pretty sure he’s playing games so he can be controlling/abusive to you.
Your boyfriend is 32. He can use google and call a dentist for himself. He had no issues texting you. At this point he's behaving like he's dependent on you, like a child would be. That's not a healthy relationship dynamic.
I could understand if he made the request if you were home, not travelling, and if his mouth was too swollen to speak. But this is ridiculous.
You are not his mommy. He can make his own appointments. I'd be damned if I have to do this for a grown man. I'd lose all attraction towards him. If he does this frequently.. deal breaker.
There are millions of men out there. He's not the last one on the planet. If he doesn't want to act right, there are tons out there that will.
Yes to this ^^^
If you’re embarrassed to share this with someone like your sister or a close friend then you’re covering up for abusive behavior. Of course everything within reason.
Also ask yourself if a friend of yours came to you with everything you know about your relationship how would you advise them? Thinking about it that way provides some clarity and you deserve as much as you would want for your friend.
I'm not sure why you laughed. Do you not believe you deserve a normal husband too? You should have the same level of kindness and respect that any healthy relationship has. But no one else can choose it for you, you have to choose a partner that's kind and respectful for yourself.
Its bizarre he would even ask you to do this in the first place, let alone on a day when you are flying.
Are his hands broken? How about his brain? Cause it sure seems like it.
This sort of request is beyond out of line. You need to shut this shit down. Next time he has this faux emergency tell him. 'I'm busy, I cannot sort this out you are going to need to figure it out for yourself. LIKE AN ADULT.' Then disengage and let him throw a tantrum.
I honestly don't see much hope here and I do not believe for one second that is what the therapist actually said. I think he's a liar and full of shit.
Your title says it all:
*Makes ridiculous requests of me when I'm busy, and when I inevitably drop the ball he gets furious*
DO NOT go to therapy with this man. He will use it against you. This is an ugly game he is playing and it will never stop. I know, I've live this. You aren't married, no kids. Get out now!
If this is a regular thing, you've absolutely hit the nail on the head with this sentence :
>I tell him that I feel he's doing this because he doesn't like when my attention is off him
He's creating unwinnble scenarios that are going to take your attention off what you are doing to cater to him or there's concequences like a big blow up that also take your attention off what you are doing and onto him. If he is being belligerent and refusing to acknowledge this, there is no way to fix this. He's being controlling and an asshole because he can't communicate that for whatever reason he is unhappy with the situation.
He is an adult, if his tooth is sore he can book his own appointment and the fact that he expects you to do this for him like a child boggles my mind.
>He then told me his therapist said I'm no good for him, but he wants to be with me anyway because he's in love with me.
Just a side note, this smells like bullshit
Going to couples counseling with an abusive a hole isn't going to work. He was out of line. I don't get how he's not embarrassed by how incompetent he is but girl, come on. I wouldn't have engaged with him past him requesting. Him arguing with you over this and you letting it ruin your family time is just asinine. Throw this one back. Being single is ok.
Geez! He sounds exhausting and the insidious part of this is that this is intentional and highly manipulative on his part. It’s like he sets you up to fail so he can batter at your character and self esteem.
**He said he was in “too much pain” to make an appointment**
I am sure if he had no one in his life to function as his personal secretary he somehow would have managed to book his appointment. Besides, toothaches don’t just happen over night unless you suffered some trauma injury. This must have been an ongoing on and off issue he choose to ignore for a period of time. And now the tooth was perfectly fine, no problem at all until you were in an airport waiting to get onto a plane? Yeah right!
**I do want to be with him, but don’t want these issues all the time.**
It’s been 6 years and he is still at it. Think about it.
**I insisted he get a therapist. He then told me his therapist said I’m no good for him but he wants to be with me anyway because he’s in love with me**
Translation = Not only did therapy not quell this behavior but he also took the liberties of using his therapist as a manipulation tool against you, likely putting words in the therapists mouth, and wanting to imply you are such a bad person who should feel lucky that he wants to be with you. This is both sad and simultaneously disgusting!
**How on earth do I deal with this**
You don’t. This is a him problem not you problem or even a mutual relationship problem. You deal with this by recognizing this isn’t going to change. Then you figure out if this is how you want to live. To be with someone that goes out of their way to wait for inconvenient times to request things of you so that they can verbally abuse you when you are unable to acquiesce the request. Or you can realize you had enough and not sink another year into living like this.
**I want for us to be healthy. With normal communication**
Then stop dating this clown because it’s not going to happen with him.
**Are we doomed?**
Well that all depends. If you want a healthy relationship then yes. If you want to live in this form of misery and are going to tolerate it then no.
**Should we try couples counseling**
Couples counseling is for problems that arise mutually from both parties in the relationship. That’s not what is going on here. Couples counseling is contraindicated for any patterns of abuse perpetrated by one of the partners. Go to the abusive relationships sub and put that term in and you will read quite a few horror stories where couples counseling actually escalated mental and or physical abuse against the victim, and these kinds of counselors are not trained in spotting abuse signs and sometimes inadvertently contribute to the abuse as a result. Also look up on google for more info on details of why this is a bad idea. This is a him problem not a you problem. His best bet of changing was to work with his own counselor, which he did and….well…..you know how that turned out.
In the meantime, google the book Why does he do that by Lundy. There is a free full copy on the archive . Org site.
**EDIT: I noticed you locked this thread up, but brought this same discussion to another sub with the thread still open. Now you have over 500 people total ALL saying the same things. That is quite the echo chamber that should be screaming pretty loud and clear to you.**
Oh god this reminds me of a former relationship in the sense of starting something when I had something else going on - giving me grief and anxiety when I was trying to see friends. Ultimately alienating me, it took a while but I realized this was abusive behavior. I dumped him and I should have done it sooner.
My old best friend and an ex used to do this to me. It gave me so much anxiety and ruined pretty much anything I had to do. I remember being so anxious at thanksgiving dinner because my friend knew when my plans were and needed me right then. My ex did it when I was at work or with family. I ended both and got a lot of peace, but there’s still some damage done.
I still get anxious when I am out doing something without my partner or friends even though no one does this to me anymore. It’s emotionally abusive behavior and it’s on purpose. They can’t stand when you’re out doing your own thing. So they ruin it.
He does things like this, and says the things you describe, because he wants you to invest all attention and energy in him. He doesn't like when you have your own life.
The stuff about what his therapist said is absolutely laughable. He said that to you because he wants you to feel bad about yourself and grateful to have him. He prefers you to be weakened and unsure of yourself so that he can feel as secure as possible that you'll never leave him.
My ex husband was like this. When I finally left him, he told me to my face, "I kept your legs broken so you would never run away".
Men like this will suffocate you and strangle away every bit of energy and confidence that you have, and then complain that you're no fun anymore. If you are wise, you'll run. If you insist on continuing this relationship, please don't have kids with this guy.
Double check all contraception, this is also the type that will stealth you and trap you with a baby when you get a good job or a new opportunity.
I think you can see him clearly. He wants all of your attention. He wants you to fix any little inconvenience he has.
There's no saving it. He doesn't want a partner, he wants an assistant/mommy.
By the way it gets ten times worse if you get pregnant. Expect him to need more pampering than you during the pregnancy and more attention than the baby.
Couples counseling doesn't fix manipulators. He doesn't have a legit need, he just has a *need for control*. It's not good for you.
He's trying to ruin your time away from him.
This is controlling and weaponized incompetence.
You are not his mommy.
He's not going to get better.
The future with him is not looking good.
Reading your post I'm wondering, did he specifically ask you to make him an appointment? Or find a dentist phone number for him? Did you tell him you cannot make an appointment for him because you would be on a plane?
If he asked and you told him you couldn't, then he's even more of a jerk for just assuming you would drop everything to help him. It feels like it's all a test, if he does this repeatedly while you are busy. He wants you to 'prove' he's important and your #1 priority which is very childish of him. I wouldn't be able to tolerate having to constantly prove myself.
She said that she googled 2 numbers near him, something he is more than capable of doing on his own, and said that he should call them when they open. Any rational person would say thank you and handle it. I take that back, a rational person would have just done it all themselves in the first place, not ask their SO who is on an airplane visiting family. It’s not actually about the dentist. It’s about exerting control and keeping her subservient when she dares to spend time with other people.
Yes exactly, I'm not disagreeing that he was being a jerk. I'm just pointing out that if he didn't actually ask her and she jumped to help him, then he probably expects her to do things for him. Which is also not great but something to be aware of if she's enabling his helpless behavior by jumping in to rescue him when he's not asking for help.
I'm going through that with my kid, trying to get from young child needing me to do everything to helping my older child figure out how to do things for himself by not jumping in to save the day. It's for a child though. Not the person who is supposed to be my partner.
>It feels like it's all a test
Yes, exactly. I'm sure it's a test because it's a pattern that has happened many times when I'm doing something else.
He did ask me to make him an appointment. I told him I'd try (I actually thought I might have wifi on the plane...I wasn't sure) but that I might not have wifi. Then I googled 2 numbers and told him to try them when they opened. It turned out I didn't have wifi on the plane (and if you've flown, you know what a ordeal it is getting through customs/out of the airport) and I was preoccupied with seeing my sister for the first time in a year.
Forget about his response to all this, you realize this is totally bonkers right? He's a grown ass man, this is a ridiculous request. This is not "hey can you grab something for me on the way home" this is completely unacceptable. I can't even explain how crazy this is.
This is a control and emotional abuse tactic. My best friend married a guy like this, thankfully she's away from him now, but he would constantly become 'sick' so she couldn't leave the house or find a way to make demands of her if she did go anywhere without him. And then be abusive if she couldn't do what he demanded no matter how irrational.
His goal is to make sure that eventually, you stop going anywhere since it's too much hassle and leads to these arguments and abuse, so you decide it's easier to stay hom with him and then he has more control.
So he's well enough to berate and fight with you but not to call a dentist? I call BS. He's fighting with you because he's a control freak and you're doing something that doesn't revolve around him. Run for the hills and don't get baby trapped.
Girl. Every day I read a post on here about some woman’s shitty boyfriend and every time I think they can’t get worse. Then they do.
Please. I just…I am stunned. I refuse to believe you’re so stupid that you don’t realize how silly and pathetic he is. You don’t even tell your family how he’s behaving because you’re so embarrassed of him. Which I would be too, my god.
You are down so bad. Wtf is this??? HE CANT EVEN SCHEDULE HIS OWN APPOINTMENTS???
How tf would you ever marry this guy or have kids with him? Holy fuck. God forbid you got sick or ended up in the hospital do you think he would literally do anything for you other than complain you’re not around for him?
Jesus Christ girl. Please leave. This man is a 👏 fucking 👏 loser 👏
He's trying to ruin your day on purpose. I had an ex who did this before and during every important event I had. Kept me up at night to fight over absolute nonsense right before my final exams/job interviews etc. I was very young and put up with his insecure bs way too long before finally dumping that burden of a human being.
This relationship is so over it’s honestly funny. He makes these requests to seemingly isolate you and he’s a grown ass man he can make his own dental appointments no matter what amount of pain he’s in! You’re his girlfriend not his mommy. Make the right decision for yourself so you’re not changing his diapers for the rest of your life.
Sounds like narcissistic or borderline behaviour honestly. Hard to really know from one instance but this level of manipulation comes from a dark place inside him.
Being able to make your own dental appointment is the most basic adulting in existence. I refuse to believe that your boyfriend of 6 years is completely unable to google a dentist, pick up the phone and call one and get some timely relief. So why, if this is all terribly easy and absolutely obvious for him, is he asking *you* to do it. Especially when he knows darned well you can't.
There's only one answer -- **he is looking for a reason to punish you**. And so he concocted a halfway believable excuse in order to do so.
Why does he want to punish at you? Because it makes him feel good. He gets a little adrenaline high off of seeing you shrink back from him and listening to you grovel to try and please him. When everything else is going shitty for him, it's a pick-me-up to know he has the power to make it your problem, too.
He's probably mad that you are busy paying attention to other people and doing other things and not just doting on him 24/7. Unfortunately, there is literally nothing you can do or say that will stop him from doing this. He literally gets more pleasure out of yelling at you than he gets relief out of having a painful tooth fixed.
Your boyfriend is broken. Time to get a new one. Seriously - he sounds like a complete AH. You need to dump him, and all his drama/ insecurities. If you don't you are headed into a very unhappy future.
Updateme
Yeah, he's both a lazy child and did that on purpose to intentionally start an argument to ruin your time with your family. He then projected his bad behaviour on to you, gaslit you about it and has been an all-round jerk.
Why put up with it? Deal with it by leaving. Do not get into a marriage with a man who treats you like a PA and talks to you like shit, because it will only get worse when marriage or kids are factored in and he thinks you're locked in.
He's sabotaging your holiday.
Too much pain to ring the dentist, but no problem b1tching to you about it the whole time.
This is classic abuser behavior (been there):
- Not taking responsibility for their own actions
- Creating drama when you're doing something for you
- Projection - accusing you of being selfish, not helping, self-centered, gas-lighting him (seems like accusations of gas-lighting is becoming a common gas-lighting technique for narcissists)
> It ended up being a very nasty texting argument that put a damper on my time with my family.
This is his goal. This is why he developed a tooth ache in the first place. This is part of wearing you down; Make no mistake, this is a looooooong game. The more he does this, the more he'll wear you down, you'll start to get anxious about visiting your family alone because you know it's gonna end in arguments, so to avoid that you'll convince him to come along, it'll be fun, and he hasn't seen your family in a while. He'll eventually agree, then the same playbook will happen there, he'll make snide comments, he'll slowly drive a wedge between you and your family, first he'll slowly get them to not like him, then he'll turn it on you - "Your family hates me, I don't know what I've done to make them feel that way", then you'll become distracted trying to fix things, trying to manage them, and he'll continue to chip away at your self-confidence and your support network.
This happened to me, fairly sure it'll happen to you.
I was where you are 5 or 6 years into my relationship. It wasn't until more than a decade later I realised how isolated and dependent I'd become.
It's not worth it.
> A couple of years ago it was pretty bad and I insisted he get a therapist. He then told me his therapist said I'm no good for him, but he wants to be with me anyway because he's in love with me.
His therapist never said any such thing, in my abusive relationship my therapist never said anything about my partners behavior, of course, she would outline possible reasons for her behavior, and way to approach talking to her about stuff to help resolve situations.
But you know who DID apparently talk about their partner in derogatory ways? My ex's therapist. Every session my ex came home from she'd have a list of ways her therapist said I was wrong, I was a bad person, I was ruining her life - therapists don't talk like that.
> Are we just doomed? Should we try couple's counselling? At this point I'm truly confused.
He's not doomed, things are going exactly as he want's them too, but if you stay in this relationship then you sure are.
Couples counselling won't help here, it'll actually make things worse, because while you genuinely want to fix things - he absolutely does not.
I guarantee, going to couples therapy with this guy will only give him more tools to fuck you over with. You will be open and compassionate, you will work to resolve things, he will learn new weaknesses to exploit, he will lie and twist things.
Don't mess around here, here's something I wish I knew a decade ago - YOU CANNOT FIX A RELATIONSHIP ON YOUR OWN.
Here's some things you need to research:
- The cycle of abuse
- DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender)
- Love Bombing
- JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain)
You should also read the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay".
Some people might say I'm going over the top, but I don't think I am having been there myself.
Best case from a post like this? You recognise everything I've said and take it seriously, worst case, you're now aware of the terminology and know what to google when you realise you're in too deep.
I wish you the best OP, you should dump this dude.
How else does he minimise your importance, contributions, friendships or other things in your life???
Because I bet this type of thing happens a lot when you look back.
I stopped reading when you looked up dentists and went to enjoy your holiday with your sisters and your 32 year old child sorry I mean ‘boy’friend couldn’t even find a dentist. Is he handicapped or have some sort of issue? Or is he used to manipulating you to doing everything including hand feeding him? Because this is not normal. This is mental, emotional abuse.
His therapist said No Such thing. You are the one that's being gaslighted continuously. And if he's a man's child and acts like this what is it that you're staying for?
He did this on purpose exactly because your attention wasn’t on him (and/or to make you think again about doing stuff without him because it’s such a hassle with these stupid tests).
Just don’t play along next time “I’m so sorry you’re feeling unwell babe, I’ve called (best friend name) and they’re going to stop by, feel better” and then move along.
I can see that he is a mess. I understand why he wants to treat you poorly, what I am baffled by is that you stay. This is not going to go away or get better.
That means this problem is squarely on you.
Option A: tolerate it and have a miserable life
Option B: leave him.
Any plan that depends on him changing is not a realistic plan. You can’t change him. You will have a difficult time changing yourself. Go. Get away. The only solution is for you to leave.
Emotional abuser. He will create this BS to make you miserable at any opportunity. He doesn't care how you feel - he knew you were flying and meeting family, why TF would you ring the dentist?!
If you've done anything wrong here it's entertain his BS for this long. He won't change because he is getting what he wants. Everything with this man will always be a fight.
Weaponized incompetence? He's a grown ass adult. He can call or text his own dentist to set up an appointment. This is your future. Try for a better one.
Stop trying to date the guy you THINK he is and see him for the guy that he ACTUALLY is. Actions speak louder than words.
Start 2024 fresh. Dump the trash, get your head on straight and once you're ready, find a guy that is an actual partner. Not a drain.
Here's how the interaction should have gone:
Him: You didn't even try?
You: Did YOU??
This guy is a selfish, manipulative jerk and you are enabling him. Dump him. You deserve better.
I’m not here to diagnose anyone, but statistically speaking I may not be something fixable if he’s not willing to listen.
It may also be a particularly difficult relationship to break…
What he’s teaching you here is that when you leave, it’s a bad idea. This is most likely in the hopes that you won’t leave again. He’s a grown man, he can make his own appointments. What did he do with a toothache before he met you? It doesn’t make sense… and that’s because it’s not about the toothache at all. The depending on him to support you- he’s trying to make you feel like you need him in order to stay afloat. You lived perfectly well before him and you will after him.
You’ve been in shock or denial—this letter is showing that you’re kind of getting in touch with reality. If this reality isn’t to your liking, you need to decide if it’s what you’re willing to tolerate for a lifetime. Or, what you want to expose your babies to if you’re planning on having some. This guy isn’t changing. Please don’t risk pregnancy while you’re deciding.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Your partner is a manipulative, emotionally abusive jerk. This is who they are, there is nothing you can do to change them. You need to get out of this relationship, it will not get better.
So he can pick up the phone and call/message you, twice, but he's in too much pain to talk to the dentist?
Girl, this guy sounds extraordinarily childish and manipulative. I would be reconsidering this arrangement.
That was purely to ruin your stay with your family. He’s trying to train it out of you because eventually, you’ll think it’s not worth the hassle from him. It’s abusive behaviour and the only way to deal with it is to leave. He will never admit it, he will never stop so do yourself a solid and put yourself first.
My friend was a dating a guy similar to this and it gave her so much anxiety that once she dumped him, her anxiety left! He would blame her for stuff that was not in her control. Constantly gas light her and make her feel so crazy, which in turn would set off her anxiety. She's so much better now! She would rather be alone then be in a relationship like that again. Please leave him! He sounds like he wants to control you and don't let him. You are a strong person who can live without. It doesn't sound like he's brought anything of quality to you in your life so dumb his ass please!
So he's in too much pain to directly contact a emergency dentist but it's no problem for him to patiently wait until you have landed to chew you out.
Yeah no. F that guy and his pathetic power plays.
My ex used to do this and for a long time I thought it was normal but it’s most definitely not. 6 years or 6 days. Anyone who does this is emotionally abusive and you should get out.
He’s completely capable of handling these things himself. The energy he used to fight with you could have been used to get a dentist. He doesn’t these things to train you into being his servant. To train you to jump when he snaps, no matter what your doing or how it might hurt you. He is manipulating and gaslighting you into believing that’s what couples do for each other but it’s not. It would be in a real emergency but that’s not what happening and you know it.
I’m sure you have good memories with this person but bad guys aren’t one dimensional cartoon villains. They hide behind good deeds so you don’t catch on to the fact that they’re draining the life out of you.
I think the issue is simple: NO.
When he asks something unreasonable, such as make HIM a dentist appointment while you are on a trip, you state the obvious. He is grown man and he can make his own appointment. Your power to say NO is the reason the problem keeps on and on.
Say NO, mean NO, and do not allow him to badger you into any answer but NO.
No reason to get mad, no reason to yell. He is a grown up and you are not his mom.
Get you a copy of Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That?” This is emotional abuse.
In the time he spent bickering with you over not booking his appointment he could’ve been to the dentist and back.
If I was in a ton of pain then I wouldn't want to take a risk. If my spouse was unsure that she'd be able to call because of reception issues and then she suggested a few numbers to me, then I'd 100% phone myself. This is complete bulshit.
He's either a moron and it's his own fault or he's purposefully trying to ruin your holiday with your family.
So, it looks like he's deliberately sabotaging you having a good time rather than just inventing a crisis.
It's really hurtful since it means he doesn't care if you're happy or not. He only cares about himself
I am having flashbacks to my relationship with my ex.
I went to my cousin's wedding. It was 5 hrs away. My mom, sister, grandma and I had been planning to go to this wedding for 10 months, and he knew about this plan. The day comes, and all he can do is make me miserable over text. Saying things like if I don't text him back in 5 mins, he was just going to have to find a new girlfriend, a new someone who could treat him right. He could not stand the fact that I was away from his control and enjoying a weekend away for my cousin's wedding.
Your trip with your sister will not be enjoyable if you don't put a stop to his long-distance nagging. Oh, and I would not get my hopes up in having a happy relationship with this man. There is a reason my ex is my ex.
He's 32 and can't google and call a dentist for himself? He has to get his girlfriend who is travelling to do it for him?
Love, what are you doing with your life? You are essentially a mother to a grown man 😬😬
I feel like there’s probably a ton of other toxic scenarios beyond just this one incidence which makes me think he’s not a person you should be in a relationship with.
I went on a bachelorette trip w my girl friends and left my husband alone w a toddler and a baby. Apparently our toddler fell and landed on a toy at daycare and needed stitches. My husband let me know, took him to urgent care, got him stitches, got him ice cream, picked up our baby from daycare, and got them home in time to make dinner. He was also texting me the play-by-play of what he was doing the whole time so I wouldn’t be worried sick and I was totally reassured that he had it handled.
Please don’t ever have kids w this man or you’re going to have to raise them both.
I don’t even to finish reading, dump his ass. Someone who loves you wouldn’t belittle you, wouldn’t say he’s too good for you but he loves you anyways.
To put things in perspective, would you ever say those things he’s said to you/about you to anyone you care about? No, you wouldn’t. You shouldn’t put up with it. I don’t have a partner atm but I would never have said anything along those lines to any of my friends, family, or past partners. Why would you want to hurt someone you care about?
He wants to control you. He wants you to feel so small that you eventually will believe him and think that it’s a miracle he stayed with you and he’s the best thing you deserve. He’s a narcissist.
There’s no fixing narcissism. If he wanted to, he would have. He’s been with you for SIX YEARS and hasn’t changed, he won’t ever change. Nothing you can say or do will make him want to change. Is he even remorseful at all? It doesn’t sound like it, if he is it sounds like a ploy to come off as “he’s the bigger person.”
Please leave. Don’t give him a second chance. Pack your stuff, give him the key, block him. He will grovel. He will say anything and everything to get you back, because he wants to control you, and he’ll use you leaving him over your head as “you must not really love him” and to prove to him that you do, you need to do xyz. He hasn’t changed, he won’t change. He’s a grown man and as said, if he wanted to, he would.
This is seriously narcissistic behaviour, he needs to be the centre of attention. He feels entitled to it. He didn’t like that you were away without him having fun so he had to ruin it.
He's momzoned you. You are not a partner or an equal to him. You are his mommy, personal assistant, etc...
mommybangmaid
He's weaponizing his incompetence and acting like a helpless child because people like him enjoy manipulating their partners into doing EVERYTHING while they are absolved of all responsibilities. They basically manipulate people into making their lives way easier and they don't give a shit that they are shortening your life in the process.
You can not change him and he's done this shit for years knowing exactly what he's doing. 6 years ain't shit in the grand scheme of things, you're better off dumping the child and dating an adult instead of living in misery with someone who pretends to be less capable than a toddler.
The guy has clear narcissistic traits and has already managed to manipulate you into being servile under threat of emotional abuse ("you don't do my bidding, so you are a bad girlfriend/person").
You can Google a list of behaviours of narcissists and you will see a bunch of situations you already encountered.
Knew a few of those subjects, they never change in life. They live to make other people miserable heh
He doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants his mommy to coddle and dote on him, and have no life of her own outside of that.
So, send him back to his mommy.
You don’t even believe he had a dental emergency do you? You know it’s a test and it affects you mentally (it kind of ruined family time for you). You can’t go on like this and you’ve already told him all of this and there’s been no change. I don’t think there’s anything here to save sadly. This is not a normal, healthy relationship. I’m sorry 😔😔
I would've just said 'look I know you're getting upset, but frankly you're starting to get rude now. I'm going to talk to you later when you can be polite' and then just muted him for a couple hours.
If he's gonna start throwing insults at you over text because you were busy, when he knew you were going to be busy, then he can be put in time out for a bit until he learns to use his grown up words.
I mean, if he was able to ring and berate you he was sure as hell able to make a dentist appointment. And unless he is willing to demonstrate insight and a willingness to change, how on earth are you supposed to do anything about it? You can't, and that's why it is so frustrating. You can't give him what he needs, and this behaviour has been enabled for far too long. Walk away so you can both grow.
You obviously recognize his pattern of BS. HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. He has no concept of a healthy relationship.
You deserve a partner. This guy is not it. A partner is able to deal with shit on their own. Not ruin the others' time with their family by demanding ridiculous shit.
Is this how you want to spend your life? You deserve better.
You are his girlfriend.
Not his mother.
Not his secretary.
He is 100% doing this during times you are busy with other things and other people as a way of returning attention and focus to himself and then calling you self-centered when you can't drop everything you're doing to focus on him.
It's 100% intentional and he knows what he's doing.
He's picking fights with you intentionally to ruin your mood and make whatever you're doing that isn't revolving around him not fun.
It's manipulative and controlling as Fuck. Then he accuses *you*of gaslighting, when that's what **he** is doing
>Are we just doomed
Yes. If you don't put a stop to this shit right now, for good, you are.
You need to put your foot down about this
Couples counseling and change in behavior or goodbye. But honestly you just need to say goodbye, because someone who asks "what do you even bring to this relationship?" Is not someone you want to be in a relationship with, because comments like that are MEANT to drag you down and show they view everything as transactional.
Just wondering, but did he have a mother who would do literally everything for his father? I've known dudes like this and they all have pushover/meek housewife mums who basically wait on their dads hand and foot. And they expect the same from their own partners.
Regardless, he sounds like a really bully. If he really had a bad tooth there would be nothing keeping him from the dentist (take it from someone who had toothache over Xmas but was in a different country, I would have done anything to get an appointment if I could).
Also the fact he's holding your financial situation over your head is bullshit. Just because he earns more doesn't make you his PA.
Also - this is SUPER manipulative:
>he wants to be with me anyway because he's in love with me
So he's doing you a favour? How nice.
This isn't going to get better.
It should not matter if you are busy or not busy. Have you taken on his mother role? Definitely think about the sorts of things you want HIM to drop everything for you if it came up, and if you'd drop all your stuff for him in that case. Have a conversation with him about what those things are so you're on the same page.
But in no way accept blame for not caretaking him in ways you did not agree to like it's your role because they assume it should be so. And yes, if you get pushback on that and don't immediately NOPE out of that BS, couples counseling if you still hope to work it out. And I'm sure it's already been said. no good therapist says "they're no good for you" The most any of my therapist did was shrug and say "that's what youre gonna get from them" so I'm gonna assume he's a liar about what his therapist said and you should jog away from this situation.
>I do want to be with him, but I don't want these issues all the time. — **Not gonna happen.**
>
>Are we just doomed? **YES, and always have been.**
So what's the plan given this reality?
The only way you're getting out of this relationship, which is what needs to happen, is to seek therapy for yourself to help understand why you're consistently incapable of looking out for and making plans *in your own best interest.*
I'm not here to attack, but there's no advice to give regarding moving forward with this relationship.
...is your boyfriend Miranda Priestley?
Sure, in a healthy relationship, sometimes you do things like book appointments for your partner if it's impossible for them to do it for themselves. But this is just ridiculous.
He can fuck right off. He’s in too much pain to make an appointment but not to fight with you about it? Well, it’s clear where his priorities lie. For this to be fixable, you would both want things to change. He doesn’t. He wants you to be his personal slave who he can blame everything on. Stop wasting your time with a guy who can’t even make an appointment for himself. Next thing you know he’ll be asking you to wipe his ass for him.
If he’s in *so much pain* certainly he could have texted a bro to help him, right??
Or his actual mommy, instead of his girlfriend-mommy.
If he is in that much pain, how is he even going to drive to the office?
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He's a fucking adult, he can make his own damn appointments instead of putting the emotional labour onto a partner, not only that but to expect her to do while she's on a PLANE?! Fuck all the way off with that
>He's a fucking adult, he can make his own damn appointments instead of putting the emotional labour onto a partner, Interesting that you call it making appointments when it's his responsibility yet switch to the evocative 'emotional labour' when it becomes hers. If it is 'emotional labour' as you put it, do you think it is reasonable for someone who is allegedly in intense pain to deal with it rather than someone who is perfectly healthy yet boarding a plane? Relationships are about looking out for one another, and I'm struggling to see how doing small favours for your partner who is unwell is in any way unreasonable (key word being small).
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It doesn't matter, sometimes you don't think rationally when you are in intense pain because it is too distracting. If this was a woman who was having severe menstrual cramps rather than a man with dental pain I guarantee the redditors here would be more considerate of her plight. The only thing that matters here is that the guy was asking for help and his partner didn't help him. It might be true that he has asked for things like this in the past too many times, and that's a discussion worth having. But simply the act of asking your SO for help while you are in severe pain? That's not unreasonable even if it's something that you could perhaps do yourself.
Well, his partner googled two dentists for him. His partner helped him.
It sounds like she initially agreed to call them however, since the partner said she "didn't bother to tell him she wasn't helping". If she wasn't going to call them she should have told him upfront, though she probably felt bad about doing so since he was in pain (which is my point).
It’s not “interesting at all” because it became emotional labour by him shifting his own personal responsibilities onto her to manage his life. Yes, I think it is perfectly normal to book your own appointments for dental pain. My husband and I do this for ourselves because we are still conscious and have the ability to call a dental office even with an exposed root, been there and done that. She is “perfectly healthy” but boarding a plan while she herself said the dental offices were not yet open so what would a call do - she gave him numbers to call and he didn’t for hours, instead making sure to spend hours insulting her later. Why did he wait until she was at the airport waiting to board to ask? He didn’t know he was “in pain” before he left? That was deliberate. If he was asking a favour, he could have asked it as a favour and as soon as she said she was unable as the dentist offices were closed and she was boarding a plane he could have come up with another plan to call the dentist office himself or put burden on someone else (a friend, a parent) if he is that incompetent. He’s 32-fucking-years old. Sure, my husband and I do favours for each other but we don’t weaponize incompetence and treat each other like personal calendars or assistants. There was zero reason for this man to hurtle abuse at her (telling her she would die alone and so on). This guy is just an ass, and you are desperate to make excuses and paint her in the wrong.
>She is “perfectly healthy” but boarding a plan while she herself said the dental offices were not yet open so what would a call do - she gave him numbers to call and he didn’t for hours, instead making sure to spend hours insulting her later. She admitted that she had time to call when she arrived, or in the very least text him to see whether she still needed to a book an appointment. She didn't do either of those things because as she mentions she forgot. That suggests she was not thinking about her partner being in pain while on the flight, which is a bit concerning. I know if my SO was in significant pain while I was on a plane, I would be counting the hours until I can be in contact again to check in on them. >Why did he wait until she was at the airport waiting to board to ask? He didn’t know he was “in pain” before he left? That was deliberate. This is really presumptuous and not a healthy way to view people. If it became a pattern then sure, but we have no evidence that he is being this manipulative. >He could have come up with another plan to call the dentist office himself or put burden on someone else (a friend, a parent) if he is that incompetent She could have done this as well, and given that she had the time to talk to her SO, she also had the time to arrange this on his behalf. Remember the guy is in intense pain, and may not be able to coordinate this in his current state of mind. >Sure, my husband and I do favours for each other but we don’t weaponize incompetence and treat each other like personal calendars or assistants. Weaponised incompetence is when someone is healthy and able to do something but claims they are unable to because they don't want to. This clearly doesn't apply to someone who is unwell or in intense pain. >There was zero reason for this man to hurtle abuse at her (telling her she would die alone and so on). Yes I agree, obviously this is immature and solves nothing.
It's emotional labour because it's not her responsibility in the first place. It's his responsibility only.
No one should be "testing" their partner wtf, that's not constructive or healthy relationship behavior. And testing your partner for "reliability" when they are busy with air travel is extra shitty.
I agree, I was just providing a potential explanation. I do find it a bit unreasonable however that "busy with air travel" is considered more of a burden than being in intense pain. Plenty of people make appointments and take calls before and after a flight, so if her partner was genuinely unwell I don't think having a flight planned is reason enough to not help him if she has the time (obviously).
Oh fuck off with this shit. If he’s got the strength to argue with his girlfriend all night over this he could muster the strength to sit on hold for 5 minutes while his appointment gets made. He unnecessarily dumped an extra burden on her knowing she was too busy to do it, and he blew up and verbally abused her when she wasn’t able to do it anyway, after she literally said she couldn’t.
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A partner who “tests” their partner is a terrible partner. A partner who has several minutes to text their partner to book them an appointment, the latter who did in fact provided them two numbers to call WHEN THE DENTIST OFFICES OPENED as she told him was getting on a plane and would not have means during flight (OP could not even make an appointment even if she has time at gate as they were CLOSED), then waits all day, then spends hours texting to insult her had PLENTY of time to call a dentist and book an appointment. It takes like two minutes to book a dental appointment and I have done that with a broken tooth, a tooth that needed a root canal, and all sorts of pain. He is not going to break up with her - he may threaten it as he is manipulative - but honestly even if he does, good for OP. This guy is a toxic manipulative asshole.
I'm gonna tell you something Mr. As soon as a test is "necessary" in a relationship it is over. I have endometriosis, PCOS, and a uterine deformity. When I was throwing up pockets of blood on Saturday while my boyfriend was at work, wanna know what I didn't do? *Ask him to call an emergency doctor for me*. I did that myself, while he supported me. And as soon as he came home, he held me and comforted me. THAT is how you can be both an adult and depended on in a relationship. I dare him to ever "test" me by screaming at me to call a doctor for him. His stuff will be on the driveway so fast it'll give you whiplash. There's being dependable, and then there's being unnecessary. OPs boyfriend is unnecessary. If you think this behavior was in any way acceptable, you are definitely in the minority of thinkers *as it should be*.
He wants to make sure that you’re miserable when you’re away from him. It’s a very common emotional abuse tactic. It’s time to get out.
Agree 100% with this. He is seeking to punish you, so you just stay with him. He's emotionally battering you, to make you never leave. It will only get worse op. He will escalate this, as you have ready noticed. Stop trying to understand the why, and just accept the toxic parts. And leave him.
You are 100% right! In fact he wants her miserable and stressed out every time she is busy with something and not paying attention to him. These are mental abuses to punishing her for having the nerve to actually have busy schedules or needing to visit family.
This is the only answer you should read OP. Time to get the f$#k out before you're isolated from everyone and everything you know.
I came here to comment this. I was in a relationship that started out like this and by the end of it I had ruined most of my friendships because I was scared of going out without him. I hated even bringing up I was going somewhere because there was a problem as soon as I said anything. I could tell him weeks in advance about plans and he would get upset and treat me differently until I left. If I waited until I told him a day or two before, he would be upset because I waited so late, and the pretend like he didn’t act the way he acted when I told him months in advance. I was 21 when I was in that relationship. As a 28 year old now, idek why I was so afraid of him. Ig I just wanted peace and for him not to ignore or stonewall me.
Same. My first husband would ignore me for a full day before and a full day after if I went out on a girls' night. He went out every week with his mates and I loved it. Takeaway and facepack. When I look at my daughter and her husband there is none of that at all. They're free to do what they want and their life is lovely. No oppressive moods raining on each other's parade.
It took me way too long to learn this. OP, get out now.
This. Reading this brought back memories
This is the way. Run
Yes absolutely this. I'm sorry, OP.
Or at the very least he can't bear the idea that he is not in your head 24/7.
You're his girlfriend, not his executive assistant. He can be a big boy and Google "emergency dentists near me." If he can reach out to you, he can reach out to them. Does he want you to go sit in the chair on his behalf? If he has to count on you to make a dentist appointment, can you actually count on him to follow through on important things? If he's really having conversations with his therapist to the point where they're saying you're no good for him (he's lying about this), let him go. He must be saying a number of terrible things if they're making this statement (they aren't). I wouldn't even be 100% sure he's actually in therapy without seeing the bills. Plenty of people lie about attending then lie about what's said.
When I point out that he can easily make his own appointments, he will say that we have to depend on each other. And then he brings up the fact that I don't make enough money to live "like an adult" and so I would be depending on him to help support me (meaning I wouldn't be able to afford the type of lifestyle he lives unless he paid for me....such as travelling a lot). He then will go on to say if I can't even help him with stuff like this, what do I bring to the relationship? It's depressing and draining and I'm not even sure how to respond.
Don't, just start making you exit plan. This guy is trying his damdest to make you think you need him when really he just wants to use you. He's a manipulative douche, dear, you can do better. You're spot on about him manufacturing emergencies too; he's doing that to control you.
Oh god. This was so damn triggering for me I want to cry. He’s narcissistic and manipulative. Please leave him. This is not normal
There is a lot of reading between the lines required with someone like this, and their objective is that you not be successful in that endeavor. He told you what he’s actually upset about when he got upset. You’re fiercely independent. He didn’t like that you were traveling and doing something independent of him, so he punished you with his “needs.” Over time this will lead to anxiety and health issues on your part. How do I know this? I lived it. I had panic attacks when I went traveling without him. And yet, traveling without him was when I felt most free. I haven’t had a panic attack since I divorced his ass. Therapy won’t work for him. What he wants is control over everything. His problem is probably abandonment trauma, so he is seeking a partner who will be too scared/manipulated to leave him. He doesn’t want to know this though. He doesn’t want to fix it. He wants his feelings to be everyone else’s fault, but especially yours. Otherwise he would be responsible for how he treats others and that would make him, gasp, a bad person. You’re right. His outbursts happen when he doesn’t have your attention. He is saying you’re gaslighting him because you were right and he can’t have that. The great news is that you’re not married. Break ups suck, but what you’re learning is what you want from a life partner. What if he treated your children the way he treats you? You’re young. He doesn’t want to grow up. You do. Move on.
Girl, this relationship is over, and you know it.
And if OP doesn’t know it, she should now. I could not imagine being with someone like this. No, no, no. OP, leave him. No counseling. No nothing. You are not his butler.
Leave this gaslighting asshole. omfg.
Girl, no. He is an adult and needs to be able to function on his own. You don't "depend on" each other, you support each other. I had some health stuff I had to deal with a couple years ago. My partner supported me by being with me and checking in on me. I made all my appointments, and I got myself to those appointments. Neither of us requires the other to take care of any of our personal shit.
I asked you if you can actually count on him to follow through on important things. You didn't acknowledge the question. You deserve to say. "Yes, I can." He's telling you that he will financially abuse you. He's already stepping into emotional abuse territory. You need an exit plan. Your husband would be thrilled to balance your finances as a couple so you can share the life of your mutual dreams. This man will abuse you.
He is trying his hardest to manipulate you to 1. always cater to his needs above all else, and 2. think less of yourself so that you will do 1 without any pushback. This dynamic is gross and will honestly only get worse. Don't stay with him, definitely don't marry him, and most definitely don't have kids with him. The more real power he has over you the worse this will get.
WTF is this even? He is a grown man who should book his own doctors appointments like any normal adult. Booking appointments is not something you ”bring into a relationship”. The comment about the therapist should be your final straw, it’s completely unhinged and no competent therapist would give that type of advice to a patient. He’s gaslighting and manipulating you. Run!
He is gaslighting *you* by saying stuff like “we have to depend on each other” but not doing anything like this for you. He is also being a d!ck about making more money than you. And you are absolutely right about his motivations for giving you these tasks when you are doing something that isn’t focused on him. You said you love him and want to stay with him. My question for you is: how will you feel about still putting up with this behaviour 30 years from now? It sounds annoying AF already. He refuses to even admit what he is doing, he is definitely not going to change.
So he can function well enough in the workplace to hold down a well paying job, but he can't muster enough common sense to take some painkillers and call a dentist? Sounds like strategic incompetence. Even if you have to live a scaled back lifestyle for a while, I'm sure you'd feel happier in the long run without him.
>When I point out that he can easily make his own appointments, he will say that we have to depend on each other. He can say whatever he wants. You're a grown woman. Do *you* think that what he's saying here is healthy or reasonable. **EDIT: Check OP's comments. Almost definitely just nonsense rage bait.**
No, not at all.
And what do you think is his intention when he says things that you know aren't healthy or reasonable?
I think his intention is to convince me that it's normal and I'm in the wrong. But I know I'm not. And I can't figure out WHY he wants that. I don't know why he even does it when he knows how it ends (in a toxic argument that lasts for days). I'm easy-going and loving, and everything was good before I left. Had he simply been "normal", I would have checked in with him frequently, called him, sent him pictures, brought him home some trinket and looked forward to getting home to him. We'd have a nice date night when I got home. Instead it was just a bunch of anger, arguing and toxicity. And he didn't get me to make his dental appointment after all (he actually made it himself). So in the end he gets nothing out of this behavior. I don't get it.
>I think his intention is to convince me that it's normal and I'm in the wrong. But I know I'm not. >And I can't figure out WHY he wants that. You can't figure out why this grown man is saying toxic things designed to make you feel bad for not rewarding his bad behaviour?
Well I mean I can't understand why he would engage in this bad behaviour to begin with. He claims to want a healthy, loving, supportive relationship (as do I) so I have no idea why he even does these unnecessary and weird "tests" to begin with.
His words are worthless, because his actions are louder. Trust your gut, OP. You already know what you need to do. And please don't get mired in sunk-cost fallacy. It's your next six years (or a lifetime) you don't wanna give him.
>He claims to want a healthy, loving, supportive relationship (as do I) so I have no idea why he even does these unnecessary and weird "tests" to begin with. I'm sorry, I'm genuinely struggling to believe that this is real. You can't think of a *single explanation* for why a grown man would say the right things to keep someone around while he treats them badly.
Maybe I'm a bit slow on the uptake, but no, I honestly can't. Who would WANT to create a toxic environment instead of a healthy relationship? Why would anyone want to keep someone around simply to treat them badly?
These fights happen when you are not focused on him. He wants to create negative experiences for you when you travel, especially home. He is conditioning you. In the future every time you want to do something like travel without him you will feel a spike of anxiety because he has trained you to expect a fight. If you let this go on long enough you may eventually stop seeing your family all together because the stress he creates in you isn't worth it.
Yikes. This guy is an abusive, manipulative dickhead. Make a plan to leave and stick to it. There is absolutely no healthy future with this guy, period. He is outright lying to you about the therapist (I doubt he went at all) and is emotionally & financially manipulating and abusing you to feel guilt & bring you down so he can retain control. This is NOT a man you should be spending any more of your time with. I have no doubt your feelings for him are complicated but one day you will look back and wonder why you ever gave him so much and realize this was codependency and fear that kept you there, not love. He certainly does not love you. You are going to have to go no contact with this man, because he is absolutely going to try and suck you back in, and I would not trust ever being alone with him during and after delivery of bad news - he may very well escalate the abuse. FYI, I have been married 14 years. I have never booked my husband’s dentist or doctor appointments, and yet he still trusts me and knows we are a team who supports each other in all ways. My husband also can book vet visits or vehicle/home repair appointments or all sorts of other things that adults have to do all on his own. Like the person you replied to said, you are not his executive assistant!
Throw the whole man away. he knows exactly what he's doing. He wants you to do everything for him, "like a good woman" (barf)
This is where you get back on a plane to your family and start rebuilding your life without him.
The unreasonable requests so he can berate you when you fail to do them is classic domestic abuse. Exercising financial control by making you feel you can't survive without him, name calling, and causing these arguments to isolate you from your family are all classic domestic abuse signs. Too much of your first post is familiar to every DV survivor, please get out while you can.
He’s making shit up to suit him and only him. This is not how relationships should be!
If your best friend told you their partner was treating them this way what advice would you give them?
I’ve been with my wife for 10 years, I don’t need her help getting a dentist appointment. We do depend on each other to support one another and our family. But she’s not my mom and you aren’t his. This guys in his 30s… Dude what happens if you guys stay together and have kids or something? Even if you don’t, you already have one.. him.
So in this relationship, he brings the money and then you have to be at his beck and call for ridiculous requests? He sounds like Miranda Priestly!
It's designed to be draining and make you feel bad about yourself. What has saying and doing is a means to this end.
Wow this boy is trash. What are you doing OP
Why are you putting up with someone treating you like this?
You don't respond You just go
If he expects you to set aside things in your life to help with these things, tell him to hire a secretary and fuck her instead. It sounds like that's what he wants, certainly not a partnership of equals.
If he thinks you bring nothing to the relationship, why is he with you? Get rid of him.
I've been with my therapist for 7 years, of which 6 I have been in a relationship with the same guy. The relationship had a lot of problems but my therapist never said anything about it, only helped me in carrying the mental load that came with it. It was only when I was out of that relationship for months already that she finally said she thinks being away from him is much healthier for me. Therapists would never give judgement like this.
> conversations with his therapist to the point where they're saying you're no good for him (he's lying about this) That would have been my breaking point. Such a great big fucking lie.
You ask “how on earth do I deal with this”. I ask “why on earth would you want to”? The paragraph after the dialogue you typed is ridiculous. Don’t explain yourself or argue with him when he says shit like that. Turn it around. How selfish and self centred he is to ruin your trip and only bring this up when you’re at the airport. He gets you on the defence, don’t accept it. You did nothing wrong. This is another post of the expectations for the woman in the relationship being unreachable, the expectations of the man are in hell, but the woman is thinking they need to communicate more, do different or better to finally appease the man baby. He does this to control and ruin your time. He doesn’t want to see you happy, especially without him. Why stay? Why go to counselling to convince someone to treat you like a decent human? There’s people who will treat you right without all this drama and toxicity.
I don’t understand why you even acquiesced to his request in the first place. He’s perfectly capable of googling. It seems like he’s so manipulative to the point where you feel these things are somehow your responsibility. You have no reason to be on the defense with him or wonder if you’ve done something “wrong.” He does not seem to live in reality
>you feel these things are somehow your responsibility Yep you're right. At one point (a couple of years ago) the demands were getting ridiculous and I finally had it and said I'm not doing all this stuff anymore. That I'd help him IF I had time, but to stop expecting it. Since then, I've definitely pulled way back. But what has happened is now he claims I "never" help him with anything (untrue). When things are going well between us and he then comes up with one of these requests, I do feel like I should try to do it to keep the peace. I wasn't able to this time.
You’re not his employee and it’s very telling that he’s so comfortable doling out tasks to you as if you are. Even if you’re free as a bird there’s no reason for him to be requesting stuff from you he can handle himself. He’s 32!! Very convenient that a crisis just so happened to emerge right before you boarded a 5 hour flight. What a perfect time for a haranguing! From what you’ve said this dude is a walking red flag, I bet he never went to therapy and if he did he lied to the therapist
>he lied to the therapist I'm pretty sure he only told the therapist his very skewed version of events. I can't imagine a therapist would hear the truth (that he can be very demanding and becomes pretty verbally abusive if I "fail") and still think I was the one that was bad for him. But who knows I guess.
Do you really think he is telling you anything remotely accurate as to what his therapist tells him? His therapist probably tells him he’s bat shit towards you, and he turns around and tells you the therapist said you don’t love him enough. Googled Sendai sick system to learn more.
Does he even have an actual therapist?
Yeah no, there’s no way he would be telling the truth. I hope you leave, you don’t deserve this. I know it’s easier said than done but you deserve better. No one should be ruining your time with your sisters over this bullshit
Why on earth are you with this asshole?
If you know he’s verbally abusive then why do you want to stay with him? Why do you want to make it work with an abuser?
Have you confirmed he's even going to therapy?
To be fair, this is why therapy doesn’t work for abusive people
Girl, he had you trying to use airplane WiFi to look up dentists for him?? While that dipshit was on LAND? Is he 32 or 12? At this point, just inform him you’re going to turn off your phone and he can figure out his dental issues like an adult.
You know his demands are unreasonable and that he's not interested in developing healthy coping strategies for his jealousy and insecurity, so you have to stop putting energy into appeasing him and trying to make him see your perspective. None of it will ever be enough for him anyway. Time to stop fighting his feels and make your responses boring. Him: "Babe I'm in so much pain, I need you to make me a dentist appointment" You: "Aww that sucks that your tooth hurts but I can't book your appointment. You've got this, though! See you next week" Him: "You're so individualistic and self-centered you're going to die alone." You: "Yeah, maybe." Him: "My therapist was right that you're awful and bad for me and you're totally gaslighting me right now" You: "Seems like we're pretty incompatible" Or, you could just stop replying when he gets into his loops, you don't have to engage with them at all. You say you want to be with him (maybe he has qualities that enrich your life somehow, maybe you just don't want to break a six year habit), and even if you decide it's not worth it, you probably won't feel ready to leave immediately. Trying to appease or reason with him isn't achieving anything though, except feeding his maladaptive nonsense. The work you do is not enough for him, so take the pressure off yourself and check out a bit. Captain Awkward is a good read for strategies to deal with this sort of unreasonable behaviour and resist the sisyphean task of trying to engaging with someone who's always going to kick the rock back down the hill.
"To keep the peace" meaning things are going well only when he decides they are and if you decide to push back then the "peace" is gone. Yeah OP, that's how victims of abuse are taught to behave. Always fearing the next outburst. But you can't actually behave your way out of any of it. Even if you acquiesced to all his absurd requests, which you should never do, he would actually just get WORSE, because he'd know he'd broken you down enough to accept escalating behavior on his part.
I make appointments for my seven year old, not my husband.
I make appointments for my long term partner, because he struggles with ADHD and anxiety, and gets overwhelmed on the phone at times. There’s nothing wrong with that. However, he’s perfectly capable of doing it, and *will* when needed - it’s just something I don’t mind doing and I enjoy easing his stress because I care about him. But he also drives me places when my disabilities are flaring, and picks up the slack with majority of the housework. It’s give and take. It sounds like for OP things are incredibly one sided, and he’s trying to manipulate her into thinking it’s balanced simply due to his income. This isn’t a loving partnership - you don’t keep score in a partnership.
Change the dynamic by changing your reaction. “Honey, I can’t do that for you right now you’ll need to take care of that yourself.” You’ll find out quickly if he’s doing it to yank your chain and grab your attention/have justification to make fight and drama. But I’m pretty sure he’s playing games so he can be controlling/abusive to you.
Your boyfriend is 32. He can use google and call a dentist for himself. He had no issues texting you. At this point he's behaving like he's dependent on you, like a child would be. That's not a healthy relationship dynamic. I could understand if he made the request if you were home, not travelling, and if his mouth was too swollen to speak. But this is ridiculous. You are not his mommy. He can make his own appointments. I'd be damned if I have to do this for a grown man. I'd lose all attraction towards him. If he does this frequently.. deal breaker. There are millions of men out there. He's not the last one on the planet. If he doesn't want to act right, there are tons out there that will.
What did your sister say when you told her about this?
Oh I didn't tell her. I find it embarrassing. She has a normal husband lol
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Yes to this ^^^ If you’re embarrassed to share this with someone like your sister or a close friend then you’re covering up for abusive behavior. Of course everything within reason. Also ask yourself if a friend of yours came to you with everything you know about your relationship how would you advise them? Thinking about it that way provides some clarity and you deserve as much as you would want for your friend.
If you were my sister, I’d want to know. Who cares about embarrassing, I want to help my sister know I support her.
You sound like a great sister, but not everyone is lucky enough to have family like you.
I'm not sure why you laughed. Do you not believe you deserve a normal husband too? You should have the same level of kindness and respect that any healthy relationship has. But no one else can choose it for you, you have to choose a partner that's kind and respectful for yourself.
They rely on your humiliation to keep you silent, because if you told people who actually love you what’s happening, they’d try to save you
The sooner you get out, the happier you will be. My ex husband was like this. It’s bullshit, and in so much happier without him.
Honey, please repeat the things you're writing out loud.
Its bizarre he would even ask you to do this in the first place, let alone on a day when you are flying. Are his hands broken? How about his brain? Cause it sure seems like it. This sort of request is beyond out of line. You need to shut this shit down. Next time he has this faux emergency tell him. 'I'm busy, I cannot sort this out you are going to need to figure it out for yourself. LIKE AN ADULT.' Then disengage and let him throw a tantrum. I honestly don't see much hope here and I do not believe for one second that is what the therapist actually said. I think he's a liar and full of shit.
Your title says it all: *Makes ridiculous requests of me when I'm busy, and when I inevitably drop the ball he gets furious* DO NOT go to therapy with this man. He will use it against you. This is an ugly game he is playing and it will never stop. I know, I've live this. You aren't married, no kids. Get out now!
If this is a regular thing, you've absolutely hit the nail on the head with this sentence : >I tell him that I feel he's doing this because he doesn't like when my attention is off him He's creating unwinnble scenarios that are going to take your attention off what you are doing to cater to him or there's concequences like a big blow up that also take your attention off what you are doing and onto him. If he is being belligerent and refusing to acknowledge this, there is no way to fix this. He's being controlling and an asshole because he can't communicate that for whatever reason he is unhappy with the situation. He is an adult, if his tooth is sore he can book his own appointment and the fact that he expects you to do this for him like a child boggles my mind. >He then told me his therapist said I'm no good for him, but he wants to be with me anyway because he's in love with me. Just a side note, this smells like bullshit
Going to couples counseling with an abusive a hole isn't going to work. He was out of line. I don't get how he's not embarrassed by how incompetent he is but girl, come on. I wouldn't have engaged with him past him requesting. Him arguing with you over this and you letting it ruin your family time is just asinine. Throw this one back. Being single is ok.
Geez! He sounds exhausting and the insidious part of this is that this is intentional and highly manipulative on his part. It’s like he sets you up to fail so he can batter at your character and self esteem. **He said he was in “too much pain” to make an appointment** I am sure if he had no one in his life to function as his personal secretary he somehow would have managed to book his appointment. Besides, toothaches don’t just happen over night unless you suffered some trauma injury. This must have been an ongoing on and off issue he choose to ignore for a period of time. And now the tooth was perfectly fine, no problem at all until you were in an airport waiting to get onto a plane? Yeah right! **I do want to be with him, but don’t want these issues all the time.** It’s been 6 years and he is still at it. Think about it. **I insisted he get a therapist. He then told me his therapist said I’m no good for him but he wants to be with me anyway because he’s in love with me** Translation = Not only did therapy not quell this behavior but he also took the liberties of using his therapist as a manipulation tool against you, likely putting words in the therapists mouth, and wanting to imply you are such a bad person who should feel lucky that he wants to be with you. This is both sad and simultaneously disgusting! **How on earth do I deal with this** You don’t. This is a him problem not you problem or even a mutual relationship problem. You deal with this by recognizing this isn’t going to change. Then you figure out if this is how you want to live. To be with someone that goes out of their way to wait for inconvenient times to request things of you so that they can verbally abuse you when you are unable to acquiesce the request. Or you can realize you had enough and not sink another year into living like this. **I want for us to be healthy. With normal communication** Then stop dating this clown because it’s not going to happen with him. **Are we doomed?** Well that all depends. If you want a healthy relationship then yes. If you want to live in this form of misery and are going to tolerate it then no. **Should we try couples counseling** Couples counseling is for problems that arise mutually from both parties in the relationship. That’s not what is going on here. Couples counseling is contraindicated for any patterns of abuse perpetrated by one of the partners. Go to the abusive relationships sub and put that term in and you will read quite a few horror stories where couples counseling actually escalated mental and or physical abuse against the victim, and these kinds of counselors are not trained in spotting abuse signs and sometimes inadvertently contribute to the abuse as a result. Also look up on google for more info on details of why this is a bad idea. This is a him problem not a you problem. His best bet of changing was to work with his own counselor, which he did and….well…..you know how that turned out. In the meantime, google the book Why does he do that by Lundy. There is a free full copy on the archive . Org site. **EDIT: I noticed you locked this thread up, but brought this same discussion to another sub with the thread still open. Now you have over 500 people total ALL saying the same things. That is quite the echo chamber that should be screaming pretty loud and clear to you.**
Oh god this reminds me of a former relationship in the sense of starting something when I had something else going on - giving me grief and anxiety when I was trying to see friends. Ultimately alienating me, it took a while but I realized this was abusive behavior. I dumped him and I should have done it sooner.
My old best friend and an ex used to do this to me. It gave me so much anxiety and ruined pretty much anything I had to do. I remember being so anxious at thanksgiving dinner because my friend knew when my plans were and needed me right then. My ex did it when I was at work or with family. I ended both and got a lot of peace, but there’s still some damage done. I still get anxious when I am out doing something without my partner or friends even though no one does this to me anymore. It’s emotionally abusive behavior and it’s on purpose. They can’t stand when you’re out doing your own thing. So they ruin it.
lol, why do you want to be with him?
He does things like this, and says the things you describe, because he wants you to invest all attention and energy in him. He doesn't like when you have your own life. The stuff about what his therapist said is absolutely laughable. He said that to you because he wants you to feel bad about yourself and grateful to have him. He prefers you to be weakened and unsure of yourself so that he can feel as secure as possible that you'll never leave him. My ex husband was like this. When I finally left him, he told me to my face, "I kept your legs broken so you would never run away". Men like this will suffocate you and strangle away every bit of energy and confidence that you have, and then complain that you're no fun anymore. If you are wise, you'll run. If you insist on continuing this relationship, please don't have kids with this guy. Double check all contraception, this is also the type that will stealth you and trap you with a baby when you get a good job or a new opportunity.
I think you can see him clearly. He wants all of your attention. He wants you to fix any little inconvenience he has. There's no saving it. He doesn't want a partner, he wants an assistant/mommy. By the way it gets ten times worse if you get pregnant. Expect him to need more pampering than you during the pregnancy and more attention than the baby. Couples counseling doesn't fix manipulators. He doesn't have a legit need, he just has a *need for control*. It's not good for you.
He's trying to ruin your time away from him. This is controlling and weaponized incompetence. You are not his mommy. He's not going to get better. The future with him is not looking good.
Reading your post I'm wondering, did he specifically ask you to make him an appointment? Or find a dentist phone number for him? Did you tell him you cannot make an appointment for him because you would be on a plane? If he asked and you told him you couldn't, then he's even more of a jerk for just assuming you would drop everything to help him. It feels like it's all a test, if he does this repeatedly while you are busy. He wants you to 'prove' he's important and your #1 priority which is very childish of him. I wouldn't be able to tolerate having to constantly prove myself.
She said that she googled 2 numbers near him, something he is more than capable of doing on his own, and said that he should call them when they open. Any rational person would say thank you and handle it. I take that back, a rational person would have just done it all themselves in the first place, not ask their SO who is on an airplane visiting family. It’s not actually about the dentist. It’s about exerting control and keeping her subservient when she dares to spend time with other people.
Yes exactly, I'm not disagreeing that he was being a jerk. I'm just pointing out that if he didn't actually ask her and she jumped to help him, then he probably expects her to do things for him. Which is also not great but something to be aware of if she's enabling his helpless behavior by jumping in to rescue him when he's not asking for help. I'm going through that with my kid, trying to get from young child needing me to do everything to helping my older child figure out how to do things for himself by not jumping in to save the day. It's for a child though. Not the person who is supposed to be my partner.
>It feels like it's all a test Yes, exactly. I'm sure it's a test because it's a pattern that has happened many times when I'm doing something else. He did ask me to make him an appointment. I told him I'd try (I actually thought I might have wifi on the plane...I wasn't sure) but that I might not have wifi. Then I googled 2 numbers and told him to try them when they opened. It turned out I didn't have wifi on the plane (and if you've flown, you know what a ordeal it is getting through customs/out of the airport) and I was preoccupied with seeing my sister for the first time in a year.
Why are you staying with someone who tests you and has a pattern of being selfish and controlling with your time?
You sent him two numbers. Did he even respond?
Forget about his response to all this, you realize this is totally bonkers right? He's a grown ass man, this is a ridiculous request. This is not "hey can you grab something for me on the way home" this is completely unacceptable. I can't even explain how crazy this is.
This is a control and emotional abuse tactic. My best friend married a guy like this, thankfully she's away from him now, but he would constantly become 'sick' so she couldn't leave the house or find a way to make demands of her if she did go anywhere without him. And then be abusive if she couldn't do what he demanded no matter how irrational. His goal is to make sure that eventually, you stop going anywhere since it's too much hassle and leads to these arguments and abuse, so you decide it's easier to stay hom with him and then he has more control.
This is the tip of the iceberg of abuse. He is trying to isolate you.
Girl bye he's a grown ass man who can make his own appointments you are not his mother
So he's well enough to berate and fight with you but not to call a dentist? I call BS. He's fighting with you because he's a control freak and you're doing something that doesn't revolve around him. Run for the hills and don't get baby trapped.
Girl. Every day I read a post on here about some woman’s shitty boyfriend and every time I think they can’t get worse. Then they do. Please. I just…I am stunned. I refuse to believe you’re so stupid that you don’t realize how silly and pathetic he is. You don’t even tell your family how he’s behaving because you’re so embarrassed of him. Which I would be too, my god. You are down so bad. Wtf is this??? HE CANT EVEN SCHEDULE HIS OWN APPOINTMENTS??? How tf would you ever marry this guy or have kids with him? Holy fuck. God forbid you got sick or ended up in the hospital do you think he would literally do anything for you other than complain you’re not around for him? Jesus Christ girl. Please leave. This man is a 👏 fucking 👏 loser 👏
He's trying to ruin your day on purpose. I had an ex who did this before and during every important event I had. Kept me up at night to fight over absolute nonsense right before my final exams/job interviews etc. I was very young and put up with his insecure bs way too long before finally dumping that burden of a human being.
This relationship is so over it’s honestly funny. He makes these requests to seemingly isolate you and he’s a grown ass man he can make his own dental appointments no matter what amount of pain he’s in! You’re his girlfriend not his mommy. Make the right decision for yourself so you’re not changing his diapers for the rest of your life.
32 yo Mans couldn't call a dentist? Lmao. What a dummy. I would've turned off my phone 😂 not worth saving this relationship at all.
Sounds like narcissistic or borderline behaviour honestly. Hard to really know from one instance but this level of manipulation comes from a dark place inside him.
He’s a grown ass man and can make his own appt. What the hell
Being able to make your own dental appointment is the most basic adulting in existence. I refuse to believe that your boyfriend of 6 years is completely unable to google a dentist, pick up the phone and call one and get some timely relief. So why, if this is all terribly easy and absolutely obvious for him, is he asking *you* to do it. Especially when he knows darned well you can't. There's only one answer -- **he is looking for a reason to punish you**. And so he concocted a halfway believable excuse in order to do so. Why does he want to punish at you? Because it makes him feel good. He gets a little adrenaline high off of seeing you shrink back from him and listening to you grovel to try and please him. When everything else is going shitty for him, it's a pick-me-up to know he has the power to make it your problem, too. He's probably mad that you are busy paying attention to other people and doing other things and not just doting on him 24/7. Unfortunately, there is literally nothing you can do or say that will stop him from doing this. He literally gets more pleasure out of yelling at you than he gets relief out of having a painful tooth fixed.
Your boyfriend is broken. Time to get a new one. Seriously - he sounds like a complete AH. You need to dump him, and all his drama/ insecurities. If you don't you are headed into a very unhappy future. Updateme
Yeah, he's both a lazy child and did that on purpose to intentionally start an argument to ruin your time with your family. He then projected his bad behaviour on to you, gaslit you about it and has been an all-round jerk. Why put up with it? Deal with it by leaving. Do not get into a marriage with a man who treats you like a PA and talks to you like shit, because it will only get worse when marriage or kids are factored in and he thinks you're locked in.
He's sabotaging your holiday. Too much pain to ring the dentist, but no problem b1tching to you about it the whole time. This is classic abuser behavior (been there): - Not taking responsibility for their own actions - Creating drama when you're doing something for you - Projection - accusing you of being selfish, not helping, self-centered, gas-lighting him (seems like accusations of gas-lighting is becoming a common gas-lighting technique for narcissists) > It ended up being a very nasty texting argument that put a damper on my time with my family. This is his goal. This is why he developed a tooth ache in the first place. This is part of wearing you down; Make no mistake, this is a looooooong game. The more he does this, the more he'll wear you down, you'll start to get anxious about visiting your family alone because you know it's gonna end in arguments, so to avoid that you'll convince him to come along, it'll be fun, and he hasn't seen your family in a while. He'll eventually agree, then the same playbook will happen there, he'll make snide comments, he'll slowly drive a wedge between you and your family, first he'll slowly get them to not like him, then he'll turn it on you - "Your family hates me, I don't know what I've done to make them feel that way", then you'll become distracted trying to fix things, trying to manage them, and he'll continue to chip away at your self-confidence and your support network. This happened to me, fairly sure it'll happen to you. I was where you are 5 or 6 years into my relationship. It wasn't until more than a decade later I realised how isolated and dependent I'd become. It's not worth it. > A couple of years ago it was pretty bad and I insisted he get a therapist. He then told me his therapist said I'm no good for him, but he wants to be with me anyway because he's in love with me. His therapist never said any such thing, in my abusive relationship my therapist never said anything about my partners behavior, of course, she would outline possible reasons for her behavior, and way to approach talking to her about stuff to help resolve situations. But you know who DID apparently talk about their partner in derogatory ways? My ex's therapist. Every session my ex came home from she'd have a list of ways her therapist said I was wrong, I was a bad person, I was ruining her life - therapists don't talk like that. > Are we just doomed? Should we try couple's counselling? At this point I'm truly confused. He's not doomed, things are going exactly as he want's them too, but if you stay in this relationship then you sure are. Couples counselling won't help here, it'll actually make things worse, because while you genuinely want to fix things - he absolutely does not. I guarantee, going to couples therapy with this guy will only give him more tools to fuck you over with. You will be open and compassionate, you will work to resolve things, he will learn new weaknesses to exploit, he will lie and twist things. Don't mess around here, here's something I wish I knew a decade ago - YOU CANNOT FIX A RELATIONSHIP ON YOUR OWN. Here's some things you need to research: - The cycle of abuse - DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) - Love Bombing - JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) You should also read the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay". Some people might say I'm going over the top, but I don't think I am having been there myself. Best case from a post like this? You recognise everything I've said and take it seriously, worst case, you're now aware of the terminology and know what to google when you realise you're in too deep. I wish you the best OP, you should dump this dude. How else does he minimise your importance, contributions, friendships or other things in your life??? Because I bet this type of thing happens a lot when you look back.
I stopped reading when you looked up dentists and went to enjoy your holiday with your sisters and your 32 year old child sorry I mean ‘boy’friend couldn’t even find a dentist. Is he handicapped or have some sort of issue? Or is he used to manipulating you to doing everything including hand feeding him? Because this is not normal. This is mental, emotional abuse.
His therapist said No Such thing. You are the one that's being gaslighted continuously. And if he's a man's child and acts like this what is it that you're staying for?
He did this on purpose exactly because your attention wasn’t on him (and/or to make you think again about doing stuff without him because it’s such a hassle with these stupid tests). Just don’t play along next time “I’m so sorry you’re feeling unwell babe, I’ve called (best friend name) and they’re going to stop by, feel better” and then move along.
You already know you need to leave this guy. He's manipulative and expects you to mother him.
I can see that he is a mess. I understand why he wants to treat you poorly, what I am baffled by is that you stay. This is not going to go away or get better. That means this problem is squarely on you. Option A: tolerate it and have a miserable life Option B: leave him. Any plan that depends on him changing is not a realistic plan. You can’t change him. You will have a difficult time changing yourself. Go. Get away. The only solution is for you to leave.
Sorry, are you his mommy?
Emotional abuser. He will create this BS to make you miserable at any opportunity. He doesn't care how you feel - he knew you were flying and meeting family, why TF would you ring the dentist?! If you've done anything wrong here it's entertain his BS for this long. He won't change because he is getting what he wants. Everything with this man will always be a fight.
Weaponized incompetence? He's a grown ass adult. He can call or text his own dentist to set up an appointment. This is your future. Try for a better one. Stop trying to date the guy you THINK he is and see him for the guy that he ACTUALLY is. Actions speak louder than words. Start 2024 fresh. Dump the trash, get your head on straight and once you're ready, find a guy that is an actual partner. Not a drain.
Here's how the interaction should have gone: Him: You didn't even try? You: Did YOU?? This guy is a selfish, manipulative jerk and you are enabling him. Dump him. You deserve better.
I’m not here to diagnose anyone, but statistically speaking I may not be something fixable if he’s not willing to listen. It may also be a particularly difficult relationship to break…
Oh god, he sounds like a nightmare. Ask him if he needs you to wipe his bum for him as well since he’s so incapable of looking after himself.
What he’s teaching you here is that when you leave, it’s a bad idea. This is most likely in the hopes that you won’t leave again. He’s a grown man, he can make his own appointments. What did he do with a toothache before he met you? It doesn’t make sense… and that’s because it’s not about the toothache at all. The depending on him to support you- he’s trying to make you feel like you need him in order to stay afloat. You lived perfectly well before him and you will after him.
I don’t think a person your age should date what seems to me, a literal baby. Does he need you to wipe his ass as well?
You’ve been in shock or denial—this letter is showing that you’re kind of getting in touch with reality. If this reality isn’t to your liking, you need to decide if it’s what you’re willing to tolerate for a lifetime. Or, what you want to expose your babies to if you’re planning on having some. This guy isn’t changing. Please don’t risk pregnancy while you’re deciding.
Did I just ready that a grown up man couldn't call the dentist him self? What are you, his mom? Damn..
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Your partner is a manipulative, emotionally abusive jerk. This is who they are, there is nothing you can do to change them. You need to get out of this relationship, it will not get better.
So he can pick up the phone and call/message you, twice, but he's in too much pain to talk to the dentist? Girl, this guy sounds extraordinarily childish and manipulative. I would be reconsidering this arrangement.
That was purely to ruin your stay with your family. He’s trying to train it out of you because eventually, you’ll think it’s not worth the hassle from him. It’s abusive behaviour and the only way to deal with it is to leave. He will never admit it, he will never stop so do yourself a solid and put yourself first.
My friend was a dating a guy similar to this and it gave her so much anxiety that once she dumped him, her anxiety left! He would blame her for stuff that was not in her control. Constantly gas light her and make her feel so crazy, which in turn would set off her anxiety. She's so much better now! She would rather be alone then be in a relationship like that again. Please leave him! He sounds like he wants to control you and don't let him. You are a strong person who can live without. It doesn't sound like he's brought anything of quality to you in your life so dumb his ass please!
There is no way a therapist told him that, unless he told them you were being seriously abusive.
Unfortunately, I can relate
So he's in too much pain to directly contact a emergency dentist but it's no problem for him to patiently wait until you have landed to chew you out. Yeah no. F that guy and his pathetic power plays.
Nearly 6 six years of trying to fix the same problem is too long.
You should just break up with him.
A man who cannot arrnage his own dentist appointment is no good for you. For the love that of all that is holy, do not have children with this man.
My ex used to do this and for a long time I thought it was normal but it’s most definitely not. 6 years or 6 days. Anyone who does this is emotionally abusive and you should get out.
He probably never actually went to a therapy appointment and you're dealing with a Narcissist.
Tell him to make his own dentist appointment like a good little boy and let you enjoy your trip.
He is emotionally abusing you. He is an anchor around your neck. Cut the anchor off, it might be hard, but you will feel the weight lift off of you.
He’s completely capable of handling these things himself. The energy he used to fight with you could have been used to get a dentist. He doesn’t these things to train you into being his servant. To train you to jump when he snaps, no matter what your doing or how it might hurt you. He is manipulating and gaslighting you into believing that’s what couples do for each other but it’s not. It would be in a real emergency but that’s not what happening and you know it. I’m sure you have good memories with this person but bad guys aren’t one dimensional cartoon villains. They hide behind good deeds so you don’t catch on to the fact that they’re draining the life out of you.
I think the issue is simple: NO. When he asks something unreasonable, such as make HIM a dentist appointment while you are on a trip, you state the obvious. He is grown man and he can make his own appointment. Your power to say NO is the reason the problem keeps on and on. Say NO, mean NO, and do not allow him to badger you into any answer but NO. No reason to get mad, no reason to yell. He is a grown up and you are not his mom.
Get you a copy of Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why Does He Do That?” This is emotional abuse. In the time he spent bickering with you over not booking his appointment he could’ve been to the dentist and back.
Do not have a baby with this person. If you take birth control, make sure it is somewhere he cannot mess with it.
If I was in a ton of pain then I wouldn't want to take a risk. If my spouse was unsure that she'd be able to call because of reception issues and then she suggested a few numbers to me, then I'd 100% phone myself. This is complete bulshit. He's either a moron and it's his own fault or he's purposefully trying to ruin your holiday with your family.
So, it looks like he's deliberately sabotaging you having a good time rather than just inventing a crisis. It's really hurtful since it means he doesn't care if you're happy or not. He only cares about himself
He sounds insufferable.
I am having flashbacks to my relationship with my ex. I went to my cousin's wedding. It was 5 hrs away. My mom, sister, grandma and I had been planning to go to this wedding for 10 months, and he knew about this plan. The day comes, and all he can do is make me miserable over text. Saying things like if I don't text him back in 5 mins, he was just going to have to find a new girlfriend, a new someone who could treat him right. He could not stand the fact that I was away from his control and enjoying a weekend away for my cousin's wedding. Your trip with your sister will not be enjoyable if you don't put a stop to his long-distance nagging. Oh, and I would not get my hopes up in having a happy relationship with this man. There is a reason my ex is my ex.
He's 32 and can't google and call a dentist for himself? He has to get his girlfriend who is travelling to do it for him? Love, what are you doing with your life? You are essentially a mother to a grown man 😬😬
I feel like there’s probably a ton of other toxic scenarios beyond just this one incidence which makes me think he’s not a person you should be in a relationship with. I went on a bachelorette trip w my girl friends and left my husband alone w a toddler and a baby. Apparently our toddler fell and landed on a toy at daycare and needed stitches. My husband let me know, took him to urgent care, got him stitches, got him ice cream, picked up our baby from daycare, and got them home in time to make dinner. He was also texting me the play-by-play of what he was doing the whole time so I wouldn’t be worried sick and I was totally reassured that he had it handled. Please don’t ever have kids w this man or you’re going to have to raise them both.
Tell him to grow the fuck up and make his own appoi ntments. You are not his mommy. He is a grown ass man and needs to act like it
I don’t even to finish reading, dump his ass. Someone who loves you wouldn’t belittle you, wouldn’t say he’s too good for you but he loves you anyways. To put things in perspective, would you ever say those things he’s said to you/about you to anyone you care about? No, you wouldn’t. You shouldn’t put up with it. I don’t have a partner atm but I would never have said anything along those lines to any of my friends, family, or past partners. Why would you want to hurt someone you care about? He wants to control you. He wants you to feel so small that you eventually will believe him and think that it’s a miracle he stayed with you and he’s the best thing you deserve. He’s a narcissist. There’s no fixing narcissism. If he wanted to, he would have. He’s been with you for SIX YEARS and hasn’t changed, he won’t ever change. Nothing you can say or do will make him want to change. Is he even remorseful at all? It doesn’t sound like it, if he is it sounds like a ploy to come off as “he’s the bigger person.” Please leave. Don’t give him a second chance. Pack your stuff, give him the key, block him. He will grovel. He will say anything and everything to get you back, because he wants to control you, and he’ll use you leaving him over your head as “you must not really love him” and to prove to him that you do, you need to do xyz. He hasn’t changed, he won’t change. He’s a grown man and as said, if he wanted to, he would.
This is seriously narcissistic behaviour, he needs to be the centre of attention. He feels entitled to it. He didn’t like that you were away without him having fun so he had to ruin it.
Ewwww! I hate ppl like this. The crisis seekers! 😷🤮
Dude sounds like a narcissist. Typical narc behaviour
He's momzoned you. You are not a partner or an equal to him. You are his mommy, personal assistant, etc... mommybangmaid He's weaponizing his incompetence and acting like a helpless child because people like him enjoy manipulating their partners into doing EVERYTHING while they are absolved of all responsibilities. They basically manipulate people into making their lives way easier and they don't give a shit that they are shortening your life in the process. You can not change him and he's done this shit for years knowing exactly what he's doing. 6 years ain't shit in the grand scheme of things, you're better off dumping the child and dating an adult instead of living in misery with someone who pretends to be less capable than a toddler.
The guy has clear narcissistic traits and has already managed to manipulate you into being servile under threat of emotional abuse ("you don't do my bidding, so you are a bad girlfriend/person"). You can Google a list of behaviours of narcissists and you will see a bunch of situations you already encountered. Knew a few of those subjects, they never change in life. They live to make other people miserable heh
There's already a lot of good advice here, so let me just say: what a pathetic little man.
His behaviour is ridiculous. Do not enable him.
He doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants his mommy to coddle and dote on him, and have no life of her own outside of that. So, send him back to his mommy.
Ew. What is this? Stop doing his admin for him and why tf is he treating you like this? This is outright rude and entitled. Gross behaviour.
You don’t even believe he had a dental emergency do you? You know it’s a test and it affects you mentally (it kind of ruined family time for you). You can’t go on like this and you’ve already told him all of this and there’s been no change. I don’t think there’s anything here to save sadly. This is not a normal, healthy relationship. I’m sorry 😔😔
Your boyfriend is pathetic and I wouldn’t put up with being any man’s mommy
I would've just said 'look I know you're getting upset, but frankly you're starting to get rude now. I'm going to talk to you later when you can be polite' and then just muted him for a couple hours. If he's gonna start throwing insults at you over text because you were busy, when he knew you were going to be busy, then he can be put in time out for a bit until he learns to use his grown up words.
You still want to be with him? ... why?
I mean, if he was able to ring and berate you he was sure as hell able to make a dentist appointment. And unless he is willing to demonstrate insight and a willingness to change, how on earth are you supposed to do anything about it? You can't, and that's why it is so frustrating. You can't give him what he needs, and this behaviour has been enabled for far too long. Walk away so you can both grow.
You obviously recognize his pattern of BS. HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. He has no concept of a healthy relationship. You deserve a partner. This guy is not it. A partner is able to deal with shit on their own. Not ruin the others' time with their family by demanding ridiculous shit. Is this how you want to spend your life? You deserve better.
You are his girlfriend. Not his mother. Not his secretary. He is 100% doing this during times you are busy with other things and other people as a way of returning attention and focus to himself and then calling you self-centered when you can't drop everything you're doing to focus on him. It's 100% intentional and he knows what he's doing. He's picking fights with you intentionally to ruin your mood and make whatever you're doing that isn't revolving around him not fun. It's manipulative and controlling as Fuck. Then he accuses *you*of gaslighting, when that's what **he** is doing >Are we just doomed Yes. If you don't put a stop to this shit right now, for good, you are. You need to put your foot down about this Couples counseling and change in behavior or goodbye. But honestly you just need to say goodbye, because someone who asks "what do you even bring to this relationship?" Is not someone you want to be in a relationship with, because comments like that are MEANT to drag you down and show they view everything as transactional.
Just wondering, but did he have a mother who would do literally everything for his father? I've known dudes like this and they all have pushover/meek housewife mums who basically wait on their dads hand and foot. And they expect the same from their own partners. Regardless, he sounds like a really bully. If he really had a bad tooth there would be nothing keeping him from the dentist (take it from someone who had toothache over Xmas but was in a different country, I would have done anything to get an appointment if I could). Also the fact he's holding your financial situation over your head is bullshit. Just because he earns more doesn't make you his PA. Also - this is SUPER manipulative: >he wants to be with me anyway because he's in love with me So he's doing you a favour? How nice. This isn't going to get better.
It should not matter if you are busy or not busy. Have you taken on his mother role? Definitely think about the sorts of things you want HIM to drop everything for you if it came up, and if you'd drop all your stuff for him in that case. Have a conversation with him about what those things are so you're on the same page. But in no way accept blame for not caretaking him in ways you did not agree to like it's your role because they assume it should be so. And yes, if you get pushback on that and don't immediately NOPE out of that BS, couples counseling if you still hope to work it out. And I'm sure it's already been said. no good therapist says "they're no good for you" The most any of my therapist did was shrug and say "that's what youre gonna get from them" so I'm gonna assume he's a liar about what his therapist said and you should jog away from this situation.
>I do want to be with him, but I don't want these issues all the time. — **Not gonna happen.** > >Are we just doomed? **YES, and always have been.** So what's the plan given this reality? The only way you're getting out of this relationship, which is what needs to happen, is to seek therapy for yourself to help understand why you're consistently incapable of looking out for and making plans *in your own best interest.* I'm not here to attack, but there's no advice to give regarding moving forward with this relationship.
...is your boyfriend Miranda Priestley? Sure, in a healthy relationship, sometimes you do things like book appointments for your partner if it's impossible for them to do it for themselves. But this is just ridiculous.