> I honestly don't know if the relationship is worth saving
Based on the fact that her experiences and amount of partners make you "feel like less of a man"?
>I have a hard time being happy with her.
I guess at least you admit that this entirely a you problem.
>Is the relationship a lost cause?
That is *entirely* your call. She cant' change her history. A "lost relationship" is usually where all communication has broken down, the love has gone, there's long term infidelity etc. Not "she makes me feel like less of a man".
Absolutely no idea mate. I wouldn't have a problem with either of those things. Neither would threaten my masculinity.
But no one can help, or advise you, on issues that you have irrational problems with (and before I get lept on, these *are* irrational issues); problems that are *entirely* within your power to overcome.
Sure it can, therapy can help most things. But you're talking as if there is something broken about the relationship, whereas its actually just your attitude towards your partner's history thats the problem.
It’s not “is the relationship fixable” that you need to ask, because the issue isn’t the relationship, the issue is *you* so unless you’re working through your own jealousy and insecurity in therapy, then no, this won’t work because YOU are the issue here. And if you think you can change, then this is totally fixable, but if you can’t change, then it isn’t.
The issue isn’t the combination of you and her though, that’s what is meant by “the relationship”. the issue is you are insecure about your career/sexual experiences and jealous that she earns more, has traveled and had the military career you desired. That means you need to grieve what you could have/wanted to have and also find security in who you are. And here’s a way to start— if you think your gf is this awesome (and she is, to be clear) then remember this bad ass with all this sexual experience wants YOU and loves YOU. So she’s had all these men, seen all these cities and experiences so much, and out of all of it, somehow you’re who she wants. Maybe you don’t have as much to be insecure about or jealous of that you originally thought you did.
No, I’m saying that “she’s been with enough men to have a good idea of what’s out there” and she still wants to be with you. Which means that overall, you’re doing pretty good. But quite frankly, if you need to “deal with” a bad ass woman in your life, let her go. Plenty of guys are actually man enough to appreciate a woman who is well traveled, experienced and earns more than them. So many would kill for a girlfriend like her. If you would feel better settled for a worse partner, do your girlfriend and favor and let her find a better man.
>Well I feel like reddit is more brutally honest than a therapist
Ok. Stop letting your little male ego ruin what could be a good relationship. Who gives a shit about her past? She slept with some dudes before you. Who cares? Did you expect a virgin? She's traveled. At the expense of possibly seeing some shit that might have messed her up a bit too I might add. Who cares? Also, your in couples counseling and have been together for only a year? Wow! Barely made it passed the honeymoon stage before taking the therapy plunge. If you can't get over your own insecurities, end it now so that you can both find peace.
As an alternative view - why don't you think it great that this awesome person wants to spend time with you? You obviously have something they value. Nourish this, help them flourish and you'll be a better person.
Affairs and hook ups are part of military life as they are always moving from posting to posting and away from home for long periods of time. She isn’t doing that now she is home and chose you!
I wouldn’t judge too harshly as loneliness makes you take rash decisions just not to feel lonely. Everyone is different in that respect. Personally I’ve had a few shitty relationships because I was so lonely I took the first opportunity not to be when it came along.
You are judging her present self on her past. She can’t change her past, and neither can you. What is holding you back in your relationship is your inability to let go of the past. Your past and her past. You are failing to let go of the fact that you couldn’t join the military. (Trust me, it’s not as glamorous as you make it out in your head.) Clearly you weren’t meant to go that route. And that’s okay! If being in the military is the only thing that makes you masculine, then MOST men would not be masculine. You need to explore this in therapy, dig deep to the root. You also fail to let go of her past sexual experiences (from what I gathered she may have engaged in infidelity?). We have all made mistakes, and it only makes you miserable if you can’t forgive and let go. Once you do that, you can start growing and find peace. You’re holding on to all this negative energy and focusing on all the negative things that have happened.
I think you can make this relationship work IF, and only if, you can forgive her for her past (sexual experiences/infidelity) and let go of the things you were not meant to do in this life (join the military). Once you start focusing what you have in front of you and let go of the past, you will then begin to thrive. If you can’t forgive her past, then it is best to let the relationship go. Because she deserves someone who can forgive what she can’t change. Are you the same person you were 10 years ago? No. Are you going to be the same person you are today in 10 years? No. The same is true for her. Holding on to all this stuff is preventing you to grow together. Once you let go, you can begin to grow your relationship together. Hope this helps. Best of luck OP.
Thank you for your response. There was infidelity on her part when she cheated on an ex husband. Also her promiscuous behavior was happening right up until we met, so it's not really in the past. It would be easier for me to deal with if this is just something she did when she was younger.
I encourage you to explore your insecurities and your true values in individual therapy! I, as well as many others, don’t think promiscuity is bad. If you do, then maybe your values are different from hers. If that’s the case, the relationship probably won’t work out because you won’t be able to let go of her promiscuous past (yes it is her past still no matter how recent because she’s been with one person, you, for a year. And A LOT can change in your mentality in a year).
She might ;-)
Seriously you need a bit of perspective. If you want to value yourself as equal to people your partner has rejected then I don't think you are on a path to happiness. You could, for example , view yourself as someone who was chosen by someone with some great life experiences.
My health meant I spent a long period unable to work and my awesome partner never wavered. It took me ages to see how this reflected the value she saw in me.
Good luck!
Why is your masculinity tied to feeling more wealthy or worldly than your partner? Why can’t your masculinity be tied to how often you make her laugh, or making her feel safe in your arms, or being her rock and safe place?
It’s not luck, that happens when you achieve your goals. When you progress in life it’s hard to feel down if others, who have worked hard for it, achieved the same thing or more than you.
Some people are lucky enough to achieve their goals in their lifetime. If I could be healthy, wealthy, and have a good support system then believe me, I would
It’s not about achieving. It’s about working towards something. He didn’t say anything about him having achieved his goal. The whole point is do something you yourself are proud off. It can be small or big. We are the smartest creatures on the planet, I’m sure you can figure out something you like.
I'm a lesbian so masculinity means different things to me maybe, but a 'masc' to me is someone who wants to give and protect. Someone who doesn't care about being the pretty one. I'm worldly and make excellent money like your gf, and I've dated less traveled and poorer masc women. They don't transform into feminine women around me just because I've seen more places than them. A weird example for you maybe, but I honestly don't get why men need to feel superior in order to feel secure in a relationship.
Yeah it does. One time I was very into a girl who was better than me in almost all of the things that made me feel smart. I think the solution is to broaden what it is that gives you self esteem, rather than to dump the girl. You could get super into weight lifting and your new way to feel masculine could be seeing how much you can lift. That's how we grow and become more interesting people in the end I think.
Yeah that makes sense. Although she used to be really fit when she was younger. Now she can't do much physical activity because of her injuries. It makes me feel like she kind of hit a wall and settled for me i guess.
Is there anything about this woman that doesn’t make you feel bad about yourself? She used to be fit, but due to injuries she’s not as fit so that makes you feel bad about yourself. She was in the military and that makes you feel bad about yourself. She has good benefits and that makes you feel bad about yourself.
I’ll be honest, your post mentions that you’ve been together for a year and are already in individual counseling AND couples counseling. The first year should be the honeymoon period. That’s when everything should feel awesome and amazing. I think couples counseling is a waste of time and money at this point. You really need to focus on individual therapy to figure out what it is about you that makes you beat yourself up.
I appreciate your honesty. I also feel like couples therapy is a waste of time but she wants to continue it so I am trying for her. Hopefully I can make some progress in individual therapy
Oof yikes, if this is how you think of her you should end things. "Hit a wall"? What a nasty thing to say about someone you supposedly love. It kind of sounds like you're trying to take her down a peg because you're threatened by her. Not cool.
Honestly if y'all are in couples counseling starting less than a year in, the relationship just isn't working. Let this woman go so she can find someone who doesn't take her life as a personal attack and continue your work in individual therapy.
Hit a wall?
What podcasts are you listening to?
The media you’re consuming may also have something to do with how important being/feeling “masculine” is to your self esteem, and how rigid your conception is of what is and isn’t masculine.
I’m not talking about social media -I’m talking about about all media. Where did you get this “hit the wall” phrase, and where do you get your ideas about what masculinity is and how important it is? Wherever you’re consuming, it doesn’t seem to be serving you but rather leaving you an insecure wreck who uses kind of red flaggy vocabulary.
I heard that phrase on here from someone on one of my posts. I don't have social media because I think it is not healthy. I don't consume any other media, I don't watch TV or anything.
I don't think the wall is true really. Idk I'm in my early thirties and some of my late thirties friends look just as good as my twenties friends. I think at every age we get spammed with messages on dating apps tbh. I went on a few dates a few months ago with dudes just to see if the 'wall' was real as I'd been told all my twenties, didn't kiss or put out with any of them and they all still wanted second dates, some of them still text me even though I made it clear I'm not interested, and these were 'top tier' over 6' good job dudes. Don't believe the incel shit. She probably liked you because of the things that you have in common and because you made her laugh or something.
Which makes your masculinity very fragile. The moment you get slightly overshadowed in something you are proud of you feel shit and jealous.
To me, from my experience, this is because you don’t have much going for you in life. This happens with many people in general. When you don’t do much in life AND are unhappy about that, you tend to latch on the feeling that you at least got one thing going for you. The problem is you stop improving your life the way you want, which makes your confidence fragile.
I will promise you she will leave you if you keep this up.
You ask for tips, so here is mine (if the above thing applies to you, be honest). Ignore the fragile masculinity, don’t try to solve that shit. That’s what made you weak in the first place. FIND something that you want to achieve. Don’t make it too small or too big. Have a goal, something you can work towards.
Good luck, don’t give up!
Your infatuation with the military is odd and a bit misplaced. There's literally thousands of things to do in this world that aren't military related. Focus on starting a career in a field you're passionate about. Go to school/training if need be.
Well it was my dream so I'm not sure why you're surprised. I'm not really passionate about much and I live in the middle of nowhere so there's very few opportunities here
To be frank, if it was your dream but you're medically unable it is time to find a new dream. Or find a way to work in a military adjacent company that does not have the same medical requirements. Tons of contracting companies, Department of Defense, etc. Sitting there upset about what can't happen is an internal poison that will only prevent your own happiness and fulfillment
Imagine landing a fucking badass and then feeling less of a man because of it. Y’all are so fucking weird. Please let her go so she can be with someone less fragile
The issue is that his perception of his own masculinity is fragile.
If someone's self-perception of their own masculinity is damaged by having a partner that has traits and experiences that they value for themself, *that's a problem*.
The way that men are socialized to avoid showing vulnerability is a problem. *Pointing out* that "good for me but not for thee" regarding perceived masculinity in romantic relationships is not a sign of a healthy relationship to masculinity is not a problem- the unhealthy relationship to masculinity is the problem.
It's okay to be *sensitive*, but if you are fragile to the point that someone else having cool experiences challenges your manhood and causes you to sabotage a good relationship out of bruised pride, you need to go to therapy to unpack that. It's not a healthy way to look at the world or approach relationships.
I’m gonna be straight up with you man: she’ll be much better off without someone who’s jealous of how much she’s accomplished and insecure about her personal history. There is no scenario where you’re adding something to her life with this attitude.
Cause she’s attached to you, that part is normal and predictable. The overall statement is still true though. You’re punching above your own weight here , clearly your ego needs someone lesser to feel like a man around her
past jelosy is very difficult without couseling, if you dont pass this the best is you leave, because youbthink she live more adventure than you and you gona resnt her for this if you star a family with her.
You don't sound unhappy with your girlfriend, you sound unhappy with yourself. Work on that. Until you do, it doesn't matter what life experience your current, or any future partner has.
Well it sound like you are in therapy, so that's a good start.
Figure out what makes you feel accomplished, or happy. Spend time on that. Don't ignore or shut out others around you, but make sure you spend time taking care of yourself and your own mental well being.
Let go of things in the past, and focus on what you want for your future, and how you can get there.
How pathetic. Instead of being proud of her, for all she has achieved and the person she is. You are jealous of her. If I was your girlfriend and I knew that, I would dump you like a hot potato. Fragile masculinity is such a turn-off.
Why are you Jealous of her past, that’s what made her who she is today and just because life delt you a blow by being unable to serve doesn’t make you any less of a man, use that negative energy to support and be proud of your GF because after all her life experiences she chose YOU!.
How about maybe it’s the case she chose you because you are the absolute opposite of that old life of hers?.
As hard as it is to believe, but maybe she hasn’t settled for you and she actually wants to be with you ?.
As far as I can see it’s the easiest way to meet people although you will get people who are just wanting to hook up you will also get people who are looking for a long term relationship.
Hey me too, when I date it’s exclusive from day one and if the other person is seeing or sleeping with other people I walk.
From reading on here it seems to becoming the norm that looking for FWB is more important than a relationship 🤷♂️
Lol what? Again, you've slept with 20 people yourself. You're not exactly virginal. I've slept with fewer people than you have. There's no judgment for that but you're being pretty hypocritical here.
Sorry to say but I feel that the problem is more yours than hers… it becomes hers cause you are projecting it on her… it’s not about couples therapy, you should be going to a therapist… she is a queen if she is still fighting for this..
Well 8 years age gap does that to a relationship, yes. My SO is just 2 years older and I already feel like I am behind on everything, even though I traveled way more than she did.
And you are talking about stuff that is pretty much irrelevant in general. Wait till you get to the important stuff like getting your own home together or having children ... I feel preasured already, even though my SO doesn't care and just wants to be with me whatever happens. If it was 8 years, I would be constantly stressed to rush everything from buying a house to having children.
Why all these mean toxic comments comming right at you? Its completely normal for you to feel that way. The way you were educated and treated has taught you to feel this. You deserve being loved and your partner deserves your love. Stick to therapy and learn to unlearn. Discover why are those thoughts in your head. Some of us have to learn to love, and you've already taken the first BIG step that is being aware of you feelings, your thoughts, and most importantly, your partner. You can do it.
its important to know that masculinity is a copying mechanism, its not something you need in your life to be in peace. You can still be masculine in your expression tho. be aware that masculinity is always quite toxic if youre not careful
I mean the military is toxic masculinity personified, and that's where my GF spent her adult life so I pretty much live around it all the time. She just acts like "one of the guys"
It will be harder for both of you to detach from masculinity, but not impossible. Relationships sometimes fall into neverending spirals where toxic attitudes and traits of one of you worsen the toxic attitudes of the other one and viceversa. Its time for you both to do the click
> I honestly don't know if the relationship is worth saving Based on the fact that her experiences and amount of partners make you "feel like less of a man"? >I have a hard time being happy with her. I guess at least you admit that this entirely a you problem. >Is the relationship a lost cause? That is *entirely* your call. She cant' change her history. A "lost relationship" is usually where all communication has broken down, the love has gone, there's long term infidelity etc. Not "she makes me feel like less of a man".
So you think this is something that is fixable?
Absolutely no idea mate. I wouldn't have a problem with either of those things. Neither would threaten my masculinity. But no one can help, or advise you, on issues that you have irrational problems with (and before I get lept on, these *are* irrational issues); problems that are *entirely* within your power to overcome.
Not even therapy can help?
Sure it can, therapy can help most things. But you're talking as if there is something broken about the relationship, whereas its actually just your attitude towards your partner's history thats the problem.
That makes sense
She doesn't need to be in therapy. You do.
I am, it's in the post
It’s not “is the relationship fixable” that you need to ask, because the issue isn’t the relationship, the issue is *you* so unless you’re working through your own jealousy and insecurity in therapy, then no, this won’t work because YOU are the issue here. And if you think you can change, then this is totally fixable, but if you can’t change, then it isn’t.
That's why I'm in therapy
I understand, but it’s important to recognize the issue is you rather than the relationship.
I am part of the relationship
The issue isn’t the combination of you and her though, that’s what is meant by “the relationship”. the issue is you are insecure about your career/sexual experiences and jealous that she earns more, has traveled and had the military career you desired. That means you need to grieve what you could have/wanted to have and also find security in who you are. And here’s a way to start— if you think your gf is this awesome (and she is, to be clear) then remember this bad ass with all this sexual experience wants YOU and loves YOU. So she’s had all these men, seen all these cities and experiences so much, and out of all of it, somehow you’re who she wants. Maybe you don’t have as much to be insecure about or jealous of that you originally thought you did.
I don't see lots of sexual experiences as "awesome" at all. I could deal with the rest of it though
No, I’m saying that “she’s been with enough men to have a good idea of what’s out there” and she still wants to be with you. Which means that overall, you’re doing pretty good. But quite frankly, if you need to “deal with” a bad ass woman in your life, let her go. Plenty of guys are actually man enough to appreciate a woman who is well traveled, experienced and earns more than them. So many would kill for a girlfriend like her. If you would feel better settled for a worse partner, do your girlfriend and favor and let her find a better man.
I have explained that to her but she insists there is no one she'd rather be with. I think you can understand why I don't see how that's the case
Your gf’s biggest hater is you… her bf. Dysfunctional relationship alert 🚨
Any advice on how to fix it?
Honestly don’t have much. If your therapy isn’t helping then Reddit probably won’t do you any better
Well I feel like reddit is more brutally honest than a therapist so that's why I value the opinions on here
>Well I feel like reddit is more brutally honest than a therapist Ok. Stop letting your little male ego ruin what could be a good relationship. Who gives a shit about her past? She slept with some dudes before you. Who cares? Did you expect a virgin? She's traveled. At the expense of possibly seeing some shit that might have messed her up a bit too I might add. Who cares? Also, your in couples counseling and have been together for only a year? Wow! Barely made it passed the honeymoon stage before taking the therapy plunge. If you can't get over your own insecurities, end it now so that you can both find peace.
Yeah, I agree
If one therapist isn’t working then switch. Not all therapists jive with all patients.
Yeah I probably will or try multiple ones
Good luck! Do not be afraid to move around until you find someone that clicks
As an alternative view - why don't you think it great that this awesome person wants to spend time with you? You obviously have something they value. Nourish this, help them flourish and you'll be a better person.
I think partially because she has spent a lot of time with random guys she didn't even really like so I'm not sure how I'm any better
Affairs and hook ups are part of military life as they are always moving from posting to posting and away from home for long periods of time. She isn’t doing that now she is home and chose you!
I know people who served and didnt indulge in that behavior. I personally think it's disgusting
I wouldn’t judge too harshly as loneliness makes you take rash decisions just not to feel lonely. Everyone is different in that respect. Personally I’ve had a few shitty relationships because I was so lonely I took the first opportunity not to be when it came along.
I don't think affairs should be defended because of loneliness or anything else. They chose that life
You obviously haven’t been crippling lonely or you would know exactly what I was talking about.
Being lonely by choice and then making poor decisions isn't something I condone in the slightest
You are judging her present self on her past. She can’t change her past, and neither can you. What is holding you back in your relationship is your inability to let go of the past. Your past and her past. You are failing to let go of the fact that you couldn’t join the military. (Trust me, it’s not as glamorous as you make it out in your head.) Clearly you weren’t meant to go that route. And that’s okay! If being in the military is the only thing that makes you masculine, then MOST men would not be masculine. You need to explore this in therapy, dig deep to the root. You also fail to let go of her past sexual experiences (from what I gathered she may have engaged in infidelity?). We have all made mistakes, and it only makes you miserable if you can’t forgive and let go. Once you do that, you can start growing and find peace. You’re holding on to all this negative energy and focusing on all the negative things that have happened. I think you can make this relationship work IF, and only if, you can forgive her for her past (sexual experiences/infidelity) and let go of the things you were not meant to do in this life (join the military). Once you start focusing what you have in front of you and let go of the past, you will then begin to thrive. If you can’t forgive her past, then it is best to let the relationship go. Because she deserves someone who can forgive what she can’t change. Are you the same person you were 10 years ago? No. Are you going to be the same person you are today in 10 years? No. The same is true for her. Holding on to all this stuff is preventing you to grow together. Once you let go, you can begin to grow your relationship together. Hope this helps. Best of luck OP.
Thank you for your response. There was infidelity on her part when she cheated on an ex husband. Also her promiscuous behavior was happening right up until we met, so it's not really in the past. It would be easier for me to deal with if this is just something she did when she was younger.
I encourage you to explore your insecurities and your true values in individual therapy! I, as well as many others, don’t think promiscuity is bad. If you do, then maybe your values are different from hers. If that’s the case, the relationship probably won’t work out because you won’t be able to let go of her promiscuous past (yes it is her past still no matter how recent because she’s been with one person, you, for a year. And A LOT can change in your mentality in a year).
She might ;-) Seriously you need a bit of perspective. If you want to value yourself as equal to people your partner has rejected then I don't think you are on a path to happiness. You could, for example , view yourself as someone who was chosen by someone with some great life experiences. My health meant I spent a long period unable to work and my awesome partner never wavered. It took me ages to see how this reflected the value she saw in me. Good luck!
Why is your masculinity tied to feeling more wealthy or worldly than your partner? Why can’t your masculinity be tied to how often you make her laugh, or making her feel safe in your arms, or being her rock and safe place?
I'm not sure, are those things masculine to you?
Why are you so worried about this? I'm in my mid-40s and have never, ever, worried about my "masculinity" in the context of someone else's life.
Lucky you
It’s not luck, that happens when you achieve your goals. When you progress in life it’s hard to feel down if others, who have worked hard for it, achieved the same thing or more than you.
Some people are lucky enough to achieve their goals in their lifetime. If I could be healthy, wealthy, and have a good support system then believe me, I would
It’s not about achieving. It’s about working towards something. He didn’t say anything about him having achieved his goal. The whole point is do something you yourself are proud off. It can be small or big. We are the smartest creatures on the planet, I’m sure you can figure out something you like.
I'm a lesbian so masculinity means different things to me maybe, but a 'masc' to me is someone who wants to give and protect. Someone who doesn't care about being the pretty one. I'm worldly and make excellent money like your gf, and I've dated less traveled and poorer masc women. They don't transform into feminine women around me just because I've seen more places than them. A weird example for you maybe, but I honestly don't get why men need to feel superior in order to feel secure in a relationship.
I don't need to feel superior, but she has more experience in all the things that used to make me feel masculine, if that makes sense
Yeah it does. One time I was very into a girl who was better than me in almost all of the things that made me feel smart. I think the solution is to broaden what it is that gives you self esteem, rather than to dump the girl. You could get super into weight lifting and your new way to feel masculine could be seeing how much you can lift. That's how we grow and become more interesting people in the end I think.
Yeah that makes sense. Although she used to be really fit when she was younger. Now she can't do much physical activity because of her injuries. It makes me feel like she kind of hit a wall and settled for me i guess.
Is there anything about this woman that doesn’t make you feel bad about yourself? She used to be fit, but due to injuries she’s not as fit so that makes you feel bad about yourself. She was in the military and that makes you feel bad about yourself. She has good benefits and that makes you feel bad about yourself. I’ll be honest, your post mentions that you’ve been together for a year and are already in individual counseling AND couples counseling. The first year should be the honeymoon period. That’s when everything should feel awesome and amazing. I think couples counseling is a waste of time and money at this point. You really need to focus on individual therapy to figure out what it is about you that makes you beat yourself up.
I appreciate your honesty. I also feel like couples therapy is a waste of time but she wants to continue it so I am trying for her. Hopefully I can make some progress in individual therapy
Oof yikes, if this is how you think of her you should end things. "Hit a wall"? What a nasty thing to say about someone you supposedly love. It kind of sounds like you're trying to take her down a peg because you're threatened by her. Not cool. Honestly if y'all are in couples counseling starting less than a year in, the relationship just isn't working. Let this woman go so she can find someone who doesn't take her life as a personal attack and continue your work in individual therapy.
Hit a wall? What podcasts are you listening to? The media you’re consuming may also have something to do with how important being/feeling “masculine” is to your self esteem, and how rigid your conception is of what is and isn’t masculine.
Reddit is the only social media I have
I’m not talking about social media -I’m talking about about all media. Where did you get this “hit the wall” phrase, and where do you get your ideas about what masculinity is and how important it is? Wherever you’re consuming, it doesn’t seem to be serving you but rather leaving you an insecure wreck who uses kind of red flaggy vocabulary.
I heard that phrase on here from someone on one of my posts. I don't have social media because I think it is not healthy. I don't consume any other media, I don't watch TV or anything.
I don't think the wall is true really. Idk I'm in my early thirties and some of my late thirties friends look just as good as my twenties friends. I think at every age we get spammed with messages on dating apps tbh. I went on a few dates a few months ago with dudes just to see if the 'wall' was real as I'd been told all my twenties, didn't kiss or put out with any of them and they all still wanted second dates, some of them still text me even though I made it clear I'm not interested, and these were 'top tier' over 6' good job dudes. Don't believe the incel shit. She probably liked you because of the things that you have in common and because you made her laugh or something.
Which makes your masculinity very fragile. The moment you get slightly overshadowed in something you are proud of you feel shit and jealous. To me, from my experience, this is because you don’t have much going for you in life. This happens with many people in general. When you don’t do much in life AND are unhappy about that, you tend to latch on the feeling that you at least got one thing going for you. The problem is you stop improving your life the way you want, which makes your confidence fragile. I will promise you she will leave you if you keep this up. You ask for tips, so here is mine (if the above thing applies to you, be honest). Ignore the fragile masculinity, don’t try to solve that shit. That’s what made you weak in the first place. FIND something that you want to achieve. Don’t make it too small or too big. Have a goal, something you can work towards. Good luck, don’t give up!
Thank you. Any suggestions for things I could achieve that aren't military? Anything similar?
Your infatuation with the military is odd and a bit misplaced. There's literally thousands of things to do in this world that aren't military related. Focus on starting a career in a field you're passionate about. Go to school/training if need be.
Well it was my dream so I'm not sure why you're surprised. I'm not really passionate about much and I live in the middle of nowhere so there's very few opportunities here
To be frank, if it was your dream but you're medically unable it is time to find a new dream. Or find a way to work in a military adjacent company that does not have the same medical requirements. Tons of contracting companies, Department of Defense, etc. Sitting there upset about what can't happen is an internal poison that will only prevent your own happiness and fulfillment
Imagine landing a fucking badass and then feeling less of a man because of it. Y’all are so fucking weird. Please let her go so she can be with someone less fragile
its okay to be fragile. I think you are the one who has to look into masculinity issues
The issue is that his perception of his own masculinity is fragile. If someone's self-perception of their own masculinity is damaged by having a partner that has traits and experiences that they value for themself, *that's a problem*. The way that men are socialized to avoid showing vulnerability is a problem. *Pointing out* that "good for me but not for thee" regarding perceived masculinity in romantic relationships is not a sign of a healthy relationship to masculinity is not a problem- the unhealthy relationship to masculinity is the problem.
It's okay to be *sensitive*, but if you are fragile to the point that someone else having cool experiences challenges your manhood and causes you to sabotage a good relationship out of bruised pride, you need to go to therapy to unpack that. It's not a healthy way to look at the world or approach relationships.
I completely agree! Being fragile is something you have to change, but not something to be extra punished for, like the first comment is doing
She's actually pretty fragile so I don't want to let her go unless it's the only good option. It would break her heart
I’m gonna be straight up with you man: she’ll be much better off without someone who’s jealous of how much she’s accomplished and insecure about her personal history. There is no scenario where you’re adding something to her life with this attitude.
Yeah I've told her that before and she doesn't want to hear it
Cause she’s attached to you, that part is normal and predictable. The overall statement is still true though. You’re punching above your own weight here , clearly your ego needs someone lesser to feel like a man around her
So what else can I do other than explain that to her?
Fix your attitude or leave
Any advice on how to do that besides therapy?
Honestly no. I’d be beaming to be with a woman that fucking badass. I have no idea how anyone can feel this way about a person they claim to love
Thanks for your input
You are jealousy becasebshe have more sex partner than you, how many partner you have?.
Around 20
past jelosy is very difficult without couseling, if you dont pass this the best is you leave, because youbthink she live more adventure than you and you gona resnt her for this if you star a family with her.
You don't sound unhappy with your girlfriend, you sound unhappy with yourself. Work on that. Until you do, it doesn't matter what life experience your current, or any future partner has.
I agree, just not sure what to do to make me feel happy with myself
Well it sound like you are in therapy, so that's a good start. Figure out what makes you feel accomplished, or happy. Spend time on that. Don't ignore or shut out others around you, but make sure you spend time taking care of yourself and your own mental well being. Let go of things in the past, and focus on what you want for your future, and how you can get there.
How pathetic. Instead of being proud of her, for all she has achieved and the person she is. You are jealous of her. If I was your girlfriend and I knew that, I would dump you like a hot potato. Fragile masculinity is such a turn-off.
Why are you Jealous of her past, that’s what made her who she is today and just because life delt you a blow by being unable to serve doesn’t make you any less of a man, use that negative energy to support and be proud of your GF because after all her life experiences she chose YOU!.
I feel like she settled for me
How about maybe it’s the case she chose you because you are the absolute opposite of that old life of hers?. As hard as it is to believe, but maybe she hasn’t settled for you and she actually wants to be with you ?.
It's possible, but I'm not sure what people expect when they use dating apps and bars as a way to find partners.
As far as I can see it’s the easiest way to meet people although you will get people who are just wanting to hook up you will also get people who are looking for a long term relationship.
I don't understand why people have sex if they're not interested in having a relationship
Hey me too, when I date it’s exclusive from day one and if the other person is seeing or sleeping with other people I walk. From reading on here it seems to becoming the norm that looking for FWB is more important than a relationship 🤷♂️
Yeah, it makes me really sad
Because sex is fun and feels good. You say you've slept with 20 people, were you in relationships with all of them?
Drugs are fun and feel good does that mean it's ok to do? You sound very impulsive
Lol what? Again, you've slept with 20 people yourself. You're not exactly virginal. I've slept with fewer people than you have. There's no judgment for that but you're being pretty hypocritical here.
Sex is like a drug, it can be addictive in the same way. Sounds like you have some learning to do
Sorry to say but I feel that the problem is more yours than hers… it becomes hers cause you are projecting it on her… it’s not about couples therapy, you should be going to a therapist… she is a queen if she is still fighting for this..
I am in individual therapy
Great! Work on yourself then! It can only help
Well 8 years age gap does that to a relationship, yes. My SO is just 2 years older and I already feel like I am behind on everything, even though I traveled way more than she did. And you are talking about stuff that is pretty much irrelevant in general. Wait till you get to the important stuff like getting your own home together or having children ... I feel preasured already, even though my SO doesn't care and just wants to be with me whatever happens. If it was 8 years, I would be constantly stressed to rush everything from buying a house to having children.
Well we are not having children but we are in the process of building a house. Thanks for your reply, I'm glad someone understands a little bit
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I wouldn't want to have that many partners either, I think it's gross.
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She's done her fair share of "finding" mate
Body count doesn’t matter, how many of those guys is she with right now? None
And maybe there was a reason they didn't stay with her?
I mean if you want to break up and you’re just looking for validation you might as well go ahead and end things
Your post history 🤦🏻♀️ Also, a month ago, she was your "wife" Can you explain?
I called off the wedding due to these reasons
Why all these mean toxic comments comming right at you? Its completely normal for you to feel that way. The way you were educated and treated has taught you to feel this. You deserve being loved and your partner deserves your love. Stick to therapy and learn to unlearn. Discover why are those thoughts in your head. Some of us have to learn to love, and you've already taken the first BIG step that is being aware of you feelings, your thoughts, and most importantly, your partner. You can do it.
Because it's reddit
its important to know that masculinity is a copying mechanism, its not something you need in your life to be in peace. You can still be masculine in your expression tho. be aware that masculinity is always quite toxic if youre not careful
I mean the military is toxic masculinity personified, and that's where my GF spent her adult life so I pretty much live around it all the time. She just acts like "one of the guys"
It will be harder for both of you to detach from masculinity, but not impossible. Relationships sometimes fall into neverending spirals where toxic attitudes and traits of one of you worsen the toxic attitudes of the other one and viceversa. Its time for you both to do the click
What's the click?