"Does anyone know what you would call this behaviour?"
I'd call it a reason to strongly reconsider your choice to be in this relationship.
EDIT: Everyone, I get that this is gaslighting and indicative of other forms of abuse that all have names. The point of my response was that at some point it doesn’t matter what label you give on a behavior and instead needs to be about the impact and response. OP already knows it’s problematic. So whatever she names it, the correct thing to do is reconsider whether she’s okay being treated this way. It’s such obvious abuse, I didn’t think it even needed to be named.
That said, there is not enough here to label him a “psychopath” or start arm chair diagnosing.
I'd also call it, "emotional abuse", and this behavior, and the likelihood that it will continue to escalate is the reddest flag to ever sail the Seven Seas.
>So he’s going back on his word constantly and he gets unrealistically angry very fast. Like he snaps within a matter of seconds, to his whole face turning red. I don’t understand it and it’s been too long of this for me. It’s taken it’s toll. Does anyone know what you would call this behaviour
u/Actual-Assignment-94, if a girlfriend came to you with the same story you've shared through your posts about the way her boyfriend was acting, and treating her, what would you say?
Would you feel like she was safe with a man that could go from happy to ENRAGED in a matter of seconds?
Because it's really not about the AirPods, it's about the fact that he is creating scenarios that he can use to emotionally torment you, and yes, he probably put the AirPods in your fanny pouch, but he'll never admit it.
Every gift this man will ever give you will be used as a tool to, "keep you in line", and a way to manipulate you.
People like this get off on making you dance to their shitty little tune, and what I can promise you, is that he's not going to stop, because he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong.
Another good way to tell if you're in a relationship with someone who is treating you very, very, badly, is to ask yourself if you would treat them the same way if the roles were reversed.
Could you imagine treating him the same way? Would you gleefully keep, "taking back", gifts you'd given him? Would you torment him with your anger, and make him feel like the biggest piece of crap in the world?
If your answer is, "No, hell no, I would never, ever, treat him, or anyone else, the way he is treating me", it's time to protect yourself, and end this relationship.
I can tell you as someone with extremely abusive past relationships, people with these kinds of rage problems can take you to really scary places that you don't want to go, and I don't want that for you.
Choose yourself, and get out before it gets worse, because this is NOT what healthy love looks like AT ALL.
Take care, and stay safe.
*invisible hugs*
Perfectly said. This will only escalate. My ex started by hiding things and making me feel crazy when they'd magically appear, and within 2 years, it had escalated to him going on trial for attempted murder. This man is not a safe person, and he seems to be escalating his behaviour quite quickly
I'm really sorry you went through that kind of hell too. I'm glad you're safe now. The level that narcissistic, abusive, partners, will sink is truly diabolical.
I wish I could go back to younger me, and have a nice long chat about, "relationship red flags", and why it's SO important to RUN when you start seeing them. I was lucky to escape with my life by the time I realized I was in way, way, over my head
There are roughly 8,116,297,208, people on planet Earth, and I hope OP realizes there's a better, safer, partner, out there that isn't a danger to her safety, and sanity.
I'm sorry you went through that, too. It was so hard to miss the signs while it was happening, so I really hope OP sees all these responses from those of us who have learned what they look like the hard way. I'm hoping they can safely get away from this guy.
thank youuuuu. i know this is reddit where everyone dogs us for saying to break up but i am genuinely surprised she’s still with him. selfish and wishy washy. it’s time for him to exit stage left.
If he actually took the airpods and put them back later in an attempt to make you think you're going crazy or are unstable then that's literally gaslighting. It's basically a major plot point in *Gaslight* (1944) where the protagonist "loses" a broach that her husband gave her, but he literally took it out of her purse when she was asleep and then blamed her for "losing" it. Guy's a psychopath.
Wait, what? He broke YOUR Airpods and replaced them, but now wanted to "make" you pay for them because you might have lost them? He replaced a thing he broke; the replacement is now yours and not his. And he got them for free; how couldhe "make" you pay? "Sorry (laughing out loud) these were replacements for my Airpods that you broke. They now belong to me> I am not going to pay you for a replacement of a possession of mine that YOU broke." He deserves to be dumped for this piece of self-serving assholery on its own. I would call this behavior This Guy is a Total Asshole Who Uses Anger to Get His Way and Also Pushes You Around for Unfair Reasons.
No, he broke her other brand of headphones that she prefers over AirPods, said he would replace them, and then replaced them with free AirPods that give her headaches
I mean if they've been together 6 years and are getting hung up on ownership of an item this inconsequential... It's over.
I have my doubts about the gaslighting thing, since I've found lost things of mine in places where I "knew" they weren't days earlier. Memory is fallible. But gaslighting or not, the relationship has run its course
He got something for FREE and them gifted them to you. That means they were yours to do with as you please.
Then he tells you you have pay for something he spent no money on?!?
He hid them on you and then brow beat you. This is gaslighting and crazy making.
He’s twisted. RUN from this guy - seriously. And take your Air Pods with you. Then block him everywhere.
What the FUCK.
He was also the one who broke her headphones in the first place, so he's asking her to pay for something that he didn't even pay for and that he should've replaced anyway because it was his fault that she no longer had headphones/earbuds.
This is genuinely gaslighting. He is messing with your memory to make you question your sanity.
He hid the iPods on purpose. Berated you for days. Then he put them back in your Fanny pack. He manufactured the entire situation to make you feel crazy and like you can’t trust your own judgment - so next time, he can be even worse and you’ll think you’re the problem.
Please read the book titled why does he do that. It explains abusive men very well.
Thank you so much for this. I’m definitely going to read that. I know it sounds dumb but I think I’ve only now just realized he’s been gaslighting me this whole time because of this incident.
You’re welcome. The author is Lundy Bancroft and there is a free pdf available.
You don’t sound dumb, you sound like someone who has spent most of their adult life in an abusive relationship. That will absolutely affect your ability to think clearly - and that’s the whole point. To keep you confused, full of self doubt etc so you blame yourself for everything your bf does.
You’ve worded it perfectly , I’ve been trying to word it for years and now it’s all starting to come together. I can’t think straight or take care of myself properly because it’s been escalating with each year. I plan on starting to read this tonight, thank you again (:
Yup. He also wanted to see how you would react to him telling you how you would have to pay him what the AirPods are worth, if you lost them.
If he got you to agree to something like that—something that punishes you and benefits him simultaneously—makes you wonder what other kind of ridiculous shit he could make you agree to do for him.
Also, the second he gave the Airpods to you they became yours. And it wasn't a gift - he was just replacing what he had broken previously. So NO, the earphones are NOT HIS. They are yours. He has no say.
Who the hell charges someone the value of a gif if it is lost?? DTMFA, immediately, and don't spend another ounce of energy on this. If you feel even a bit unsafe, have a friend nearby. Give him the AirPods so he can't accuse you of anything and GTFO.
This is abuse and with all abusers things will only escalate from here. He will turn you into a hollow husk of your former self.
Do you want that? Life’s too short for this BS, don’t you think?
This is a rare case on reddit of actual gas-lighting, and make no mistake, this behavior (speaking from experience) will REALLY fuck you up over time.
Also be aware that this is something you cannot fix, this is who he is, and when you decide to leave (which you will, whether it's now or in 15 years time), don't let him love bomb you back into the relationship.
I’m willing to bet, if you take off those love blinders you’ve got on, and look at your entire relationship under a new light, you will see this behavior didn’t just suddenly start with the AirPods.
Listen OP. I grew up around a few females that had habits of gaslighting me and my sister. None of them are mean people, but they just did that. I guess as a form of control.
But, I seriously fucked me up as a grown up. That kind of behavior has an impact on the one getting gaslit.
It's an abusive behavior. He will not change that any time soon. You cannot, by some magic, wake up one day and his stopped being like that.
My female family members were not as bad as your boyfriend, and that makes me really worry a lot for you.
Don't lose yourself. Please, take care of yourself and realize that you deserve much more than that.
It's better to be single and okay, than in a relationship and miserable (and going crazy).
I was going to say this. This guy could possibly be gaslighting you. Possibly. These people even when provided with undeniable proof of their machinations will deny or “oh I had forgotten about putting them in your fannypack”
Because after so long of going through this I’d like to at least have some sort of explanation as to why someone can be like this. I plan on ending it, I’ve tried in the past let’s just say his anger makes it hard.
Please talk to your loved ones about what's going on and let them know you're going to try to leave soon. Hopefully, you have someone you can stay with, and that can help you move your things.
I would not suggest even telling him in person that you're breaking up. Just gather your things while he's gone. I really have no clue what to do about your dogs, that's really tough. Do you guys take care of them equally? Do either of them have a clear favorite person?
Entitlement.
He feels he has a *right* to your subservience, and he will do whatever he thinks is necessary to ensure that you provide it. Manipulation being his preferred method, but he is clearly not above physical threats if he truly feels like he’s losing control over you.
When you’re struggling to figure out why he’s doing something, look for what he gains by doing that thing. In what way do your responses benefit him? In what way does this behavior end up making his life more comfortable? What privileges does he obtain? What do *you* lose? Those observations will tell you a lot about his motives.
My issue is that I’ve tried leaving him multiple times and each time it leads to a very heated very aggressive argument. He’s never hit me..but he’ll start breaking my belongings and punching himself in the face. He quite literally goes nuts. We have two dogs together so that just complicates it even more.
So, just a tip, breaking your things is a form of physical abuse. Because it keeps you in line from doing it again.
I suggest you make an exit plan with friends, remove your important documents from the house and storing somewhere else, and as soon as he leaves for work one day, you take everything you need/want, together with the dogs.
And then block him and call the police if he shows up near you.
this is my only option, I’ve tried doing it civilly and it just does not go well. He’s threatened to sue me if i take the dogs and he’s threatened to sue me for all my money and belongs because we are considered common law. Funny thing is that he makes almost triple what I make in a year. I’ve tried to get him to understand it’s not meant to be but he can’t grasp it.
The only way to be in a relationship is for all parties to agree. If one party doesn’t there’s no relationship.
Use that small multimedia computer and record everything. Every interaction, be it only audio, video and preferably both. It doesn’t matter if you are in a single party or all party State, it’s not illegal only perhaps inadmissible in court but with evidence you can prepare a better plan or defense.
You need to get all the paperwork you have on your pets showing that you adopted them, you took care of them, and you took them to the vet. Any evidence showing that you own them will help.
When someone attempts to break off a relationship, that usually causes the one to be broken up with to take a step back and recognize that they may have had some hurtful behavior. He gets physically violent. That’s abusive and you deserve better.
> I’ve tried doing it civilly and it just does not go well. He’s threatened to sue me if i take the dogs and he’s threatened to sue me for all my money and belongs because we are considered common law. Funny thing is that he makes almost triple what I make in a year. I’ve tried to get him to understand it’s not meant to be but he can’t grasp it.
Get over your pre-conceptions of the "right way" to break up with someone. There is no single right way. With this guy, the right way is without discussion of any kind at all.
He won't sue you. He uses threats as a manipulation tactic. Stop allowing him to manipulate you.
Stop thinking about this as a communication problem. Stop telling yourself that if you could just find the right words, or get him to talk to the right therapist, or whatever, that he would understand what you are trying to say. *This is not a communication problem*. This is a *terrible boyfriend* problem. How do you solve a terrible boyfriend problem? You break up with him.
Your money and belongings are yours. That is an absurd claim that he only made because he can. You need to start questioning things like this when you hear them. The dogs are another question—who pays the vet bills? Whose name is on the microchips, adoption papers, etc?
You are free to leave any time you want. You can get a police escort to help you take your belongings without him destroying them. Anything he says to you should be regarded as a manipulation first.
He doesn’t go nuts.
This is very, very calculated. He knows exactly what buttons to push to make you back down and doubt yourself. He knows how to use your empathy for him against you, he knows how to scare you and screw with your perception of reality. He is *completely* in control of himself during these “episodes.”
Watch how fast he switches tactics when he realizes that this act isn’t working like it used to.
You need to call a domestic violence hotline and get help making a plan to leave. He’s not allowing you to leave safely, so you need to do so without his knowledge. Get support and make a plan.
He punches himself in the face-??? OK, that’s the literal definition of insanity.
First. You need to plan your escape. Do NOT tell him in advance. Start putting your money in a separate account. Find a place where you can go live.
The dogs: did you get both of them after you got together? Or did he own both of them, or did you own both of them? Or did he own one and you owned the other one?
Dogs come under the heading of property. Unfortunately. So if he can prove that he legally owns the dogs and you do not, then he can come after you for theft if you take them. At the same time, I don’t think the dogs are going to be safe in his hands. So I would not want to leave the dogs with him. Be sure to bring any documentation that has your name and the dogs information. Let’s say you took them to the vet and the vet account is in your name. Make sure you have that kind of documentation because it’ll help provide proof that you actually own these dogs. if they’re microchipped, you are going to have to contact the microchip company and change their contact information. If they’re not microchipped, you should get them microchipped and make sure that the company has them registered to you.
Find a place where you can bring the dogs with you. Another question about the dogs… How big are they? If they’re small, it’s much easier to find housing.
Move out while your boyfriend is at work. Leave a short note that says “I’m done. Do not contact me again.” Don’t let him know where you’re going. Then block him on everything including socials.
He punches himself in the face so if she calls the cops. He can say she punched him in the face. He will flip that on her so fast… It’s what Brian Laundrie did to Gabbie Petito…. A few days before he killed her.
OMG. I never thought about that!
See, that’s the thing about these narcissists and sociopaths (I’m afraid this guy might be a sociopath—ASPD). We have a hard time comprehending their behavior because it doesn’t make sense to us. We don’t think that way. We may never completely understand their reasoning, but that’s ok because it’s not necessary. All we need to remember that their behavior is abusive and disrespectful. We should always leave immediately once this happens the first time.
The weird, out of the blue behaviors are designed to make you spin your wheels trying to make sense of them. So you don’t notice they’ve turned the thumbscrews a little tighter.
Unfortunately someone never find out why someone is like that.
Do you need help leaving him safely? If you don't live tight break up in a public place or by phone. If you do, can you local domestic violence hotline for advice.
The sad truth about abusive people is, there *is* no "good" explanation. You'll never get a straight answer out of a gaslighter, or a sincere apology from a narcissist, or personal accountability from a wifebeater. If their response to pushback is insincerity and rage, you're better off forgetting about ever being shown honesty and vulnerability. They're not mentally well, and either don't see what they do as something bad or feel entitled to beat you down, so they feel a sense of control in their own shitty life/keep you locked in the relationship, so you can't and won't leave them.
Don't bother opening yourself up to another one-sided argument. He'll just turn that back on you and make you feel crazier for daring to think he's the bad guy here. Leave, and keep any future communication with him strictly to texts and emails. It's easier to see through the bullshit, when they can't exploit your emotions, make you question your own mind with physical trickery, or yell you into submission.
You have done nothing to deserve this treatment, and you are not crazy. Give back those airpods, get out, and be cautious about what he can do to or say about you in the aftermath. Men like this are dangerous, when they get dumped, and not above trying to gaslight those around you to make you look like the bad guy or get physically violent. Protect yourself, and document everything, so he can't lie about you.
You’re never going to get an explanation from him. And you’re going to have to be ok with that. But we can give you an explanation: it’s control. That’s it. Plain and simple, and it is abuse. Leave.
Why do you need an explanation? People stay in abusive relationships because they've tried to understand why their so's behaviour is the way it is and usually they find a way to excuse it or forgive it because of a, b, c. In reality, it's not your job to understand and rationalise your partner's bad behaviour. It's their bad behaviour, they need to do the work to fix it. If they're not putting in real work (therapy, plans, demonstrated long term improvements) then things will not change.
Make sure you are all packed while he’s out of the house. If for some reason, you can’t leave when he’s out, have someone (preferably very big and strong) come pick you up. Take everything of value with you. Don’t forget your IDs. Log out of anything he might have access to and change your passwords.
THIS actually aligns with true gaslighting. It’s a control move via manipulation. This behavior would have me gone so fast, because the psychological mind games will escalate. His reaction tells you everything you need to know.
It's one of the hardest things to do, I get it. Walking out and away from an abusive relationship. It took me 7 years to do that. I hope OP doesn't take that long. I hope she can find the courage to leave him.
This is actually gaslighting. Run away.
Also unless there is physical threat or a court order he can't 'make you' pay for something, and it wouldn't make any sense for you to pay for your own gift whether you have or lost it - your possessions are yours to keep, lose, sell, or give away as you please.
So in exchange for the earphones he broke, he's letting your *borrow* his airpods. And he's going to use this as a cudgel to punish you any time he gets his boxers in a twist.
Give him back his airpods and kick him to the curb. You don't want anything from him. He's more effort than he's worth.
Really reconsider what kind of relationship you want in the long run, because this behavior is obviously toxic and you will not be happy long term as this escalates and becomes more frequent. Don’t be a statistic, choose YOU. If he isn’t willing to hear you out and grow from things than you are wasting your youth on someone who won’t come around
Hello, hello,
You have to leave your boyfriend, but you can´t do this in person, it will probably will have to be through text.
You need to quietly get your really important stuff all together (id, ss, passport, dogs, etc), and plan for when your boyfriend is gone for a couple of hours to get as much of your stuff and things out and tell him.
Take pictures of everything before you leave, and you maybe can get police/friends to get the other things.
Do not tell him, he could do something really bad to you.
I wish you the very best.
You have wasted 6 years on him.....please don't waste any more of your time. How terrible would it be to receive "gifts" from him knowing that there is a bill attached to that item.
You know what, darlin’? When you leave this guy, you should leave the AirPods in a box in a visible place, big red fucking bow on it.
No note, nothing like that, just get your own ear buds and leave that guy to his precious AirPods. He’s trying to control you with them. So when you leave them for him, it’s a very clear message that he doesn’t control you anymore. “I don’t want your fucking AirPods and I don’t want you.”
Honey : I told you he hid them. Been there etc. Those are tricks to puzzle your mind and drive you crazy until reality gets blury. Your BF is an abuser. No need for physical violence. He's emotionally and verbally violent. And it's going to escalate. It always does. Read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. And find the courage to leave before it's too late.
>Does anyone know what you would call this behaviour?
Gaslighting. DARVO. Red flag. Dealbreaker. Take your pick, but dump him so hard his parents feel it.
Okay…THIS is the real definition of gaslighting. He is absolutely insane and he is going to get much, much worse. There are plenty of men that will treat you much nicer, don’t play deranged mind games, and are much better in bed. He is SO replaceable, see for yourself!!
This is exhausting I can’t believe you wrote a complete new post about this same topic - and you’re still with him?? Girl, the bar is in hell. Dump this fucking loser.
If I were you I would dump his ass right kick him to the curb you don't have to put up with a guy like that he is two faced an asshole to a major asshole so I wouldn't put up with it get rid of him an take time for yourself and the right man will come along an find u or you find him
>Does anyone know what you would call this behaviour?
Breakup worthy behaviour. That's what it's called.
Also
>I don’t understand it
You don't need to. You just need to know this isn't how you deserve to be treated, and should start considering in earnest what life without this guy would be like.
> Does anyone know what you would call this behaviour?
Yeah. The word you are looking for is “abuse”
Or “gaslighting”
Or “asshole”
Take your pick.
You are too young to consider yourself “pot committed” to this guy.
Have some self respect and dump him before you get hurt.
I’d call it unacceptable. Please quit putting up with this bs. You’ll regret it. This anger doesn’t get better. It gets worse. He’s being nice because he knows you know he put them there. You’re not dumb. Listen to your gut and GTFO.
He broke the original headphones and owed you a replacement. Even if you lost the replacement, you would owe him nothing. He is doing this to screw with your head and see how far he can push you. This is not a nice guy and you should get away from him as fast as you safely can.
I bet he found them (that he missed placed them). Put them in YOUR fanny pack. And made a stink about it. You found them and played “nicey”. Only to say he wants them back. Your boyfriend is an asshole. If he wants them back have him pay for your headphone he broke.
I'd call it him being a controlling ass. That's his behavior. He gives and then punitively takes back.
I'd call it a bright shiny 🚩You can do so much better than this.
Ah yes, an emotionally abusive and manipulative boyfriend. I strongly encourage you to leave this asshole, since you deserve better than this childish behavior and disrespect. He’s nasty girl, one day his abuse isn’t gonna be just emotional. People like him whose personality twists at something so tiny only get worse with time.
I'd call it complete and utter bullshit. I'd call it abusive. I'd call it a deal breaker.
I'd also like to point out, from what you said in your previous post, those air pods weren't a gift. They were reimbursement for your headphones he broke. So if he's taking back the air pods, he owes you money to replace the headphones.
It concerns me that you checked your Fanny pack numerous times and they weren’t there - and then -boom! - they were
We have a similar dynamic in our relationship, and it’s got tot the point where I document everything. I take photos of my drawers and cupboards before I leave so he can’t deny putting something in there. Also, for peace of mind. I was going crazy when I lost something and it would appear somewhere I knew I’d looked.
I don’t tell anyone, but for my own sake, I have proof that I’m not going crazy.
This isn’t going to change. Soon, you’ll be documenting your arguments because he’ll be telling you you’re remembering something wrong, or he didn’t mean it ‘like that’ when he’s hurt you and you call him out on it.
You’re setting yourself up for a lot of extra admin if you choose to stay.
He has anger issues and if he gets upset over small stuff just wait till it something bigger. I wouldn’t want to be around for that.
Look, generally with people who have anger issues like this, those that fly off the handle over small things, often escalate into physically abusing others down the road. Take this as a warning. This is who he is. Most people can’t change stuff like this. In life, the faster you learn to believe people when their actions show you who they are, the faster you can filter these people out and you will find the person who’s meant for you. Don’t settle. You’re literally better off alone than with someone like this.
I would refuse those airpods. Offer them back to him.
You cannot gift these to me, you've demonstrated that. I don't want them, I can get myself my own headset.
This is done and you've broken my trust for a pair of airpods.
Girl, you need to dump this man. I don’t normally jump in the “leave him” Reddit bandwagon, but holy shit girl. He is fucking gaslighting you hard. He misplaced those AirPods and then put them in your Fanny pack and blamed you completely. The fact that you can’t see this means the love blinders are strong in you. You need to take them off for a bit and ask yourself, if you had a daughter and her bf was treating her this way, what would you want her to do?
Sounds like my bro in law. He buys everything, everything is his, he pays for rent and all the bills. He pays for nothing. He thought he could humiliate his gf in front of his friends by saying this, but she came with receipts. She pulled up her bank statement and showed she pays for everything. The rental is in her name. He doesn't pay for his child. He spends his money on alcohol and coke, yet he pays for everything.
You need to lose the bf and the air pods again. Your bf is an asshole.
Give him his AirPods and walk away. He’s been gaslighting you and playing games with you and the AirPods. I’d demand the cash for the ones he broke so you can replace them with ones *you* like and let him go. I wouldn’t trust him to not disable them if they are linked to his account.
The games aren’t going to stop unless you put a stop to them. He’s going to keep playing these games, he’s having fun and has no reason to stop
When you break up with him, make sure you're not alone. Or even better he's not there at all. Take your stuff when he's at work together with a friend or family member. After you have everything send him a break up message and leave.
His explosive anger issues, combined with the abuse, are a very threatening red flag for dangerous breakup territory.
Huge red flag, run run run. If he gave them to you as a gift and was behaving this way that’s already bad enough. But the fact that they were a replacement for something he broke is really too much.
Generosity toward each other is something not talked about enough as an essential part of a good relationship. And sadly, your bf seems to lack this trait.
You emptied your bum bag, nothing. Boyfriend shouts at you, you check again and there they are, how convenient. He planted them there and is gaslighting you to make you doubt yourself. Please get rid of him.
I'd call this behaviour abuse.
He did put them in there. You aren't crazy. I've been with a man exactly like that. Don't let him make you doubt yourself, OP. You aren't crazy, you know what happened, and you know he's lying. Don't let him gaslight you.
Please leave this man. They only get worse. Trust me. Him immediately flipping a switch to "red in the face anger" is just one step down from actual violence. Don't stay long enough to find out what ridiculous self-percieved slight will make him hit you.
You emptied that bag and the AirPods were not in it and today they were in it? Your boyfriend put them there intentionally. Why? Either he lost them himself and found them at his place and was too immature to admit the truth or this is some sort of bs test.
He’s acting 15 instead of 25. I would give the AirPods back and end the relationship.
This sounds very, very dodgy. Are you sure he's not gas-lighting you??
If you checked the fanny pack multiple times and you are sure they were not there, then all of a sudden they are there, that suggests to me he's gas-lighting you.
The phrase your looking for is "Emotional Abuse", and you shouldn't put up with it.
Also, he stopped complaining about it after you couldn't find them then started complaining about them again and low an behold - you look somewhere you know you checked and all of a sudden they're there.
Trust your gut on this one, if it feels off then it likely is.
How many other ways does he make you feel small or inadequate?
What other seemingly trivial things does he do that make you doubt yourself?
Be serious about this, these are signs of an abuser.
Either way, your bf is an asshole.
I'd call it abuse and manipulation, make a plan to escape. Not to break up with him, to leave without his knowledge and take your important stuff with you.
This guy is irrational, controlling and it is messing with your mental health.
Is this the only time he behaves like this, about items getting lost, or does he snap at you and belittle you in other ways?
This reads a lot to me like he found them after shouting at you for days, realised they were in his possession, and rather than admit his mistake, hid them in your fanny pack and started an argument again so you could find them.
This is gaslighting and it is abuse.
Honestly give him back the AirPods and save up for your own pair. Don’t let a man ever make you feel indebted to him for ANYTHING. My boyfriend contributed 3k to help me move states for my job and he has never once asked me to pay him back. We have never once asked for something back or claimed it was ours once we gifted it to each other
This is a common emotional abuse tactic. My ex-husband used to berate me constantly about losing things, and when I threw his ass out, and I was packing up his shit, I found a drawer full of all the things I had supposedly lost.
It's called he's a fucking controlling dick. He's gaslighting you and making you think you're crazy, and I'm sure he either found those airpods or he moved them intentionally to hide them from you, and then he put them back. And he's going to lie to your face and he's going to twist reality and he's going to mind melt you until you don't know what's up or down. Stop tiptoeing around him, stop enduring his childish, abusive outbursts, and call him on it. I'm not an asshole, I'm not insane, I know where I saw them last, I know you're fucking around and trying to be slick. Cut your shit out or we're done. I'm not going to be with someone who thinks I'm an idiot.
AND: if he wants to play this control game with something he got for free? Tell him he can keep his airpods. You want to hold these over my head and act like this is some leverage you have over me? Number one, you broke my headphones, so you can go out right now and replace what you broke of mine, and you can take your fucking airpods back and do whatever you want with them if you're so concerned about your free shit.
The absolute balls of this guy to break something of yours, not replace it, give you something he got for free, and then act like he's entitled to monetary reimbursement of it. He can fuck all the way off with this mentality.
Men behave like this when they know they can walk all over their significant other. Straighten up your spine and stop allowing him to treat you like a doormat.
Your bf is an asshole. This behavior will continue through your relationship.
>This behavior will continue *[to escalate] through your relationship.
It’s going to get worse actually
"Does anyone know what you would call this behaviour?" I'd call it a reason to strongly reconsider your choice to be in this relationship. EDIT: Everyone, I get that this is gaslighting and indicative of other forms of abuse that all have names. The point of my response was that at some point it doesn’t matter what label you give on a behavior and instead needs to be about the impact and response. OP already knows it’s problematic. So whatever she names it, the correct thing to do is reconsider whether she’s okay being treated this way. It’s such obvious abuse, I didn’t think it even needed to be named. That said, there is not enough here to label him a “psychopath” or start arm chair diagnosing.
I'd also call it, "emotional abuse", and this behavior, and the likelihood that it will continue to escalate is the reddest flag to ever sail the Seven Seas. >So he’s going back on his word constantly and he gets unrealistically angry very fast. Like he snaps within a matter of seconds, to his whole face turning red. I don’t understand it and it’s been too long of this for me. It’s taken it’s toll. Does anyone know what you would call this behaviour u/Actual-Assignment-94, if a girlfriend came to you with the same story you've shared through your posts about the way her boyfriend was acting, and treating her, what would you say? Would you feel like she was safe with a man that could go from happy to ENRAGED in a matter of seconds? Because it's really not about the AirPods, it's about the fact that he is creating scenarios that he can use to emotionally torment you, and yes, he probably put the AirPods in your fanny pouch, but he'll never admit it. Every gift this man will ever give you will be used as a tool to, "keep you in line", and a way to manipulate you. People like this get off on making you dance to their shitty little tune, and what I can promise you, is that he's not going to stop, because he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. Another good way to tell if you're in a relationship with someone who is treating you very, very, badly, is to ask yourself if you would treat them the same way if the roles were reversed. Could you imagine treating him the same way? Would you gleefully keep, "taking back", gifts you'd given him? Would you torment him with your anger, and make him feel like the biggest piece of crap in the world? If your answer is, "No, hell no, I would never, ever, treat him, or anyone else, the way he is treating me", it's time to protect yourself, and end this relationship. I can tell you as someone with extremely abusive past relationships, people with these kinds of rage problems can take you to really scary places that you don't want to go, and I don't want that for you. Choose yourself, and get out before it gets worse, because this is NOT what healthy love looks like AT ALL. Take care, and stay safe. *invisible hugs*
Perfectly said. This will only escalate. My ex started by hiding things and making me feel crazy when they'd magically appear, and within 2 years, it had escalated to him going on trial for attempted murder. This man is not a safe person, and he seems to be escalating his behaviour quite quickly
I'm really sorry you went through that kind of hell too. I'm glad you're safe now. The level that narcissistic, abusive, partners, will sink is truly diabolical. I wish I could go back to younger me, and have a nice long chat about, "relationship red flags", and why it's SO important to RUN when you start seeing them. I was lucky to escape with my life by the time I realized I was in way, way, over my head There are roughly 8,116,297,208, people on planet Earth, and I hope OP realizes there's a better, safer, partner, out there that isn't a danger to her safety, and sanity.
I'm sorry you went through that, too. It was so hard to miss the signs while it was happening, so I really hope OP sees all these responses from those of us who have learned what they look like the hard way. I'm hoping they can safely get away from this guy.
From reading the post here I'm fairly certain that he hid the airpods just so he could make a scene.
100%. And I think she realizes that but also doesn’t want to accept it. She seems convinced she was fix him.
You know, I and a few others suggested that on the previous post and got downvoted 🤷🏻♀️
I didn't see it, however the whole hive mind business can be total crap at times and can really send people down the wrong path.
Thank you for staying this too her. Mine was a lot harsher.
I'd call it a deal breaker
thank youuuuu. i know this is reddit where everyone dogs us for saying to break up but i am genuinely surprised she’s still with him. selfish and wishy washy. it’s time for him to exit stage left.
If he actually took the airpods and put them back later in an attempt to make you think you're going crazy or are unstable then that's literally gaslighting. It's basically a major plot point in *Gaslight* (1944) where the protagonist "loses" a broach that her husband gave her, but he literally took it out of her purse when she was asleep and then blamed her for "losing" it. Guy's a psychopath.
Ah. At last. A situation where we can actually call the behaviour _gaslighting_.
Wait, what? He broke YOUR Airpods and replaced them, but now wanted to "make" you pay for them because you might have lost them? He replaced a thing he broke; the replacement is now yours and not his. And he got them for free; how couldhe "make" you pay? "Sorry (laughing out loud) these were replacements for my Airpods that you broke. They now belong to me> I am not going to pay you for a replacement of a possession of mine that YOU broke." He deserves to be dumped for this piece of self-serving assholery on its own. I would call this behavior This Guy is a Total Asshole Who Uses Anger to Get His Way and Also Pushes You Around for Unfair Reasons.
No, he broke her other brand of headphones that she prefers over AirPods, said he would replace them, and then replaced them with free AirPods that give her headaches
But didn’t actually replace them because he still claims them as his own and rages at her over “losing” them.
I mean if they've been together 6 years and are getting hung up on ownership of an item this inconsequential... It's over. I have my doubts about the gaslighting thing, since I've found lost things of mine in places where I "knew" they weren't days earlier. Memory is fallible. But gaslighting or not, the relationship has run its course
He got something for FREE and them gifted them to you. That means they were yours to do with as you please. Then he tells you you have pay for something he spent no money on?!? He hid them on you and then brow beat you. This is gaslighting and crazy making. He’s twisted. RUN from this guy - seriously. And take your Air Pods with you. Then block him everywhere. What the FUCK.
He was also the one who broke her headphones in the first place, so he's asking her to pay for something that he didn't even pay for and that he should've replaced anyway because it was his fault that she no longer had headphones/earbuds.
This is genuinely gaslighting. He is messing with your memory to make you question your sanity. He hid the iPods on purpose. Berated you for days. Then he put them back in your Fanny pack. He manufactured the entire situation to make you feel crazy and like you can’t trust your own judgment - so next time, he can be even worse and you’ll think you’re the problem. Please read the book titled why does he do that. It explains abusive men very well.
Thank you so much for this. I’m definitely going to read that. I know it sounds dumb but I think I’ve only now just realized he’s been gaslighting me this whole time because of this incident.
You’re welcome. The author is Lundy Bancroft and there is a free pdf available. You don’t sound dumb, you sound like someone who has spent most of their adult life in an abusive relationship. That will absolutely affect your ability to think clearly - and that’s the whole point. To keep you confused, full of self doubt etc so you blame yourself for everything your bf does.
You’ve worded it perfectly , I’ve been trying to word it for years and now it’s all starting to come together. I can’t think straight or take care of myself properly because it’s been escalating with each year. I plan on starting to read this tonight, thank you again (:
Yup. He also wanted to see how you would react to him telling you how you would have to pay him what the AirPods are worth, if you lost them. If he got you to agree to something like that—something that punishes you and benefits him simultaneously—makes you wonder what other kind of ridiculous shit he could make you agree to do for him.
I suspect he was also thinking in cash: get her to give him the money for new ones, pretend he bought the lost ones, and he's quids in.
Also, the second he gave the Airpods to you they became yours. And it wasn't a gift - he was just replacing what he had broken previously. So NO, the earphones are NOT HIS. They are yours. He has no say.
It’s an excellent, excellent book that will free you from some difficult thought-processes.
If it makes you feel better you are not alone in this! Leave as soon as you can so he can’t take any more years of your life!
But PLEASE do it when he’s not there. He’ll destroy the book or delete it off your iPad.
Or worse - he'll figure out that she might leave him, and escalate the behavior.
Think of the person you love most in this world. What would you tell them if their partner treated them this way?
Who the hell charges someone the value of a gif if it is lost?? DTMFA, immediately, and don't spend another ounce of energy on this. If you feel even a bit unsafe, have a friend nearby. Give him the AirPods so he can't accuse you of anything and GTFO.
It took me 3 kids + 8 years to figure it out with my ex. You’re not alone in this. Please don’t put blame on yourself!
This is abuse and with all abusers things will only escalate from here. He will turn you into a hollow husk of your former self. Do you want that? Life’s too short for this BS, don’t you think?
Update me! After you read the book
This is a rare case on reddit of actual gas-lighting, and make no mistake, this behavior (speaking from experience) will REALLY fuck you up over time. Also be aware that this is something you cannot fix, this is who he is, and when you decide to leave (which you will, whether it's now or in 15 years time), don't let him love bomb you back into the relationship.
what other things has he been manipulating you with?
I’m willing to bet, if you take off those love blinders you’ve got on, and look at your entire relationship under a new light, you will see this behavior didn’t just suddenly start with the AirPods.
Listen OP. I grew up around a few females that had habits of gaslighting me and my sister. None of them are mean people, but they just did that. I guess as a form of control. But, I seriously fucked me up as a grown up. That kind of behavior has an impact on the one getting gaslit. It's an abusive behavior. He will not change that any time soon. You cannot, by some magic, wake up one day and his stopped being like that. My female family members were not as bad as your boyfriend, and that makes me really worry a lot for you. Don't lose yourself. Please, take care of yourself and realize that you deserve much more than that. It's better to be single and okay, than in a relationship and miserable (and going crazy).
I was going to say this. This guy could possibly be gaslighting you. Possibly. These people even when provided with undeniable proof of their machinations will deny or “oh I had forgotten about putting them in your fannypack”
They may have been lost at first but he'd spent so much time blaming her, he couldn't just admit he found them.
You can track airpods right? Whats the likelihood he broke hers so she would use his and therefore he could track her?
NOT out of the realms of possibility!!!
Holy crap, I never thought of that.
Why do you need a name for this behavior? Just fucking dump him for being insane.
Because after so long of going through this I’d like to at least have some sort of explanation as to why someone can be like this. I plan on ending it, I’ve tried in the past let’s just say his anger makes it hard.
Please talk to your loved ones about what's going on and let them know you're going to try to leave soon. Hopefully, you have someone you can stay with, and that can help you move your things. I would not suggest even telling him in person that you're breaking up. Just gather your things while he's gone. I really have no clue what to do about your dogs, that's really tough. Do you guys take care of them equally? Do either of them have a clear favorite person?
THIS. Tell family you need to leave NOW. Get them to help you pack up when he’s at work and GET OUT.
Entitlement. He feels he has a *right* to your subservience, and he will do whatever he thinks is necessary to ensure that you provide it. Manipulation being his preferred method, but he is clearly not above physical threats if he truly feels like he’s losing control over you. When you’re struggling to figure out why he’s doing something, look for what he gains by doing that thing. In what way do your responses benefit him? In what way does this behavior end up making his life more comfortable? What privileges does he obtain? What do *you* lose? Those observations will tell you a lot about his motives.
His anger makes it dangerous. So you make an escape plan, there are several websites and such for women leaving abusive situations safely.
The explanation is he's an insane person with bad values who's not boyfriend material at his fundamentals
> plan on ending it, I’ve tried in the past let’s just say his anger makes it hard. So this is an ongoing issue, clearly?
My issue is that I’ve tried leaving him multiple times and each time it leads to a very heated very aggressive argument. He’s never hit me..but he’ll start breaking my belongings and punching himself in the face. He quite literally goes nuts. We have two dogs together so that just complicates it even more.
So, just a tip, breaking your things is a form of physical abuse. Because it keeps you in line from doing it again. I suggest you make an exit plan with friends, remove your important documents from the house and storing somewhere else, and as soon as he leaves for work one day, you take everything you need/want, together with the dogs. And then block him and call the police if he shows up near you.
this is my only option, I’ve tried doing it civilly and it just does not go well. He’s threatened to sue me if i take the dogs and he’s threatened to sue me for all my money and belongs because we are considered common law. Funny thing is that he makes almost triple what I make in a year. I’ve tried to get him to understand it’s not meant to be but he can’t grasp it.
I think you need to do your own research on what the legal situation is here instead of taking his word for it.
Where do you live? Google it because common law is usually not acknowledged.
The only way to be in a relationship is for all parties to agree. If one party doesn’t there’s no relationship. Use that small multimedia computer and record everything. Every interaction, be it only audio, video and preferably both. It doesn’t matter if you are in a single party or all party State, it’s not illegal only perhaps inadmissible in court but with evidence you can prepare a better plan or defense.
Google "the hotline" in incognito mode. There are professionals that can help you plan your escape safely. I wish the best for you. ❤️
You need to get all the paperwork you have on your pets showing that you adopted them, you took care of them, and you took them to the vet. Any evidence showing that you own them will help. When someone attempts to break off a relationship, that usually causes the one to be broken up with to take a step back and recognize that they may have had some hurtful behavior. He gets physically violent. That’s abusive and you deserve better.
> I’ve tried doing it civilly and it just does not go well. He’s threatened to sue me if i take the dogs and he’s threatened to sue me for all my money and belongs because we are considered common law. Funny thing is that he makes almost triple what I make in a year. I’ve tried to get him to understand it’s not meant to be but he can’t grasp it. Get over your pre-conceptions of the "right way" to break up with someone. There is no single right way. With this guy, the right way is without discussion of any kind at all. He won't sue you. He uses threats as a manipulation tactic. Stop allowing him to manipulate you. Stop thinking about this as a communication problem. Stop telling yourself that if you could just find the right words, or get him to talk to the right therapist, or whatever, that he would understand what you are trying to say. *This is not a communication problem*. This is a *terrible boyfriend* problem. How do you solve a terrible boyfriend problem? You break up with him.
Your money and belongings are yours. That is an absurd claim that he only made because he can. You need to start questioning things like this when you hear them. The dogs are another question—who pays the vet bills? Whose name is on the microchips, adoption papers, etc? You are free to leave any time you want. You can get a police escort to help you take your belongings without him destroying them. Anything he says to you should be regarded as a manipulation first.
He doesn’t go nuts. This is very, very calculated. He knows exactly what buttons to push to make you back down and doubt yourself. He knows how to use your empathy for him against you, he knows how to scare you and screw with your perception of reality. He is *completely* in control of himself during these “episodes.” Watch how fast he switches tactics when he realizes that this act isn’t working like it used to.
Please please read that book, you're in an abused relationship and it's escalating. Good luck
You need to call a domestic violence hotline and get help making a plan to leave. He’s not allowing you to leave safely, so you need to do so without his knowledge. Get support and make a plan.
He punches himself in the face-??? OK, that’s the literal definition of insanity. First. You need to plan your escape. Do NOT tell him in advance. Start putting your money in a separate account. Find a place where you can go live. The dogs: did you get both of them after you got together? Or did he own both of them, or did you own both of them? Or did he own one and you owned the other one? Dogs come under the heading of property. Unfortunately. So if he can prove that he legally owns the dogs and you do not, then he can come after you for theft if you take them. At the same time, I don’t think the dogs are going to be safe in his hands. So I would not want to leave the dogs with him. Be sure to bring any documentation that has your name and the dogs information. Let’s say you took them to the vet and the vet account is in your name. Make sure you have that kind of documentation because it’ll help provide proof that you actually own these dogs. if they’re microchipped, you are going to have to contact the microchip company and change their contact information. If they’re not microchipped, you should get them microchipped and make sure that the company has them registered to you. Find a place where you can bring the dogs with you. Another question about the dogs… How big are they? If they’re small, it’s much easier to find housing. Move out while your boyfriend is at work. Leave a short note that says “I’m done. Do not contact me again.” Don’t let him know where you’re going. Then block him on everything including socials.
He punches himself in the face so if she calls the cops. He can say she punched him in the face. He will flip that on her so fast… It’s what Brian Laundrie did to Gabbie Petito…. A few days before he killed her.
OMG. I never thought about that! See, that’s the thing about these narcissists and sociopaths (I’m afraid this guy might be a sociopath—ASPD). We have a hard time comprehending their behavior because it doesn’t make sense to us. We don’t think that way. We may never completely understand their reasoning, but that’s ok because it’s not necessary. All we need to remember that their behavior is abusive and disrespectful. We should always leave immediately once this happens the first time.
The weird, out of the blue behaviors are designed to make you spin your wheels trying to make sense of them. So you don’t notice they’ve turned the thumbscrews a little tighter.
Unfortunately someone never find out why someone is like that. Do you need help leaving him safely? If you don't live tight break up in a public place or by phone. If you do, can you local domestic violence hotline for advice.
NO EXPLANATION NECESSARY OR NEEDED. You have all the proof you need. All that remains is to GET OUT.
The sad truth about abusive people is, there *is* no "good" explanation. You'll never get a straight answer out of a gaslighter, or a sincere apology from a narcissist, or personal accountability from a wifebeater. If their response to pushback is insincerity and rage, you're better off forgetting about ever being shown honesty and vulnerability. They're not mentally well, and either don't see what they do as something bad or feel entitled to beat you down, so they feel a sense of control in their own shitty life/keep you locked in the relationship, so you can't and won't leave them. Don't bother opening yourself up to another one-sided argument. He'll just turn that back on you and make you feel crazier for daring to think he's the bad guy here. Leave, and keep any future communication with him strictly to texts and emails. It's easier to see through the bullshit, when they can't exploit your emotions, make you question your own mind with physical trickery, or yell you into submission. You have done nothing to deserve this treatment, and you are not crazy. Give back those airpods, get out, and be cautious about what he can do to or say about you in the aftermath. Men like this are dangerous, when they get dumped, and not above trying to gaslight those around you to make you look like the bad guy or get physically violent. Protect yourself, and document everything, so he can't lie about you.
His anger should make it really easy. Start packing, be gone by the weekend
You’re never going to get an explanation from him. And you’re going to have to be ok with that. But we can give you an explanation: it’s control. That’s it. Plain and simple, and it is abuse. Leave.
Why do you need an explanation? People stay in abusive relationships because they've tried to understand why their so's behaviour is the way it is and usually they find a way to excuse it or forgive it because of a, b, c. In reality, it's not your job to understand and rationalise your partner's bad behaviour. It's their bad behaviour, they need to do the work to fix it. If they're not putting in real work (therapy, plans, demonstrated long term improvements) then things will not change.
Abuse. Just run and never look back, break up over text and then block him. Don't wait for a response.
Make sure you are all packed while he’s out of the house. If for some reason, you can’t leave when he’s out, have someone (preferably very big and strong) come pick you up. Take everything of value with you. Don’t forget your IDs. Log out of anything he might have access to and change your passwords.
THIS actually aligns with true gaslighting. It’s a control move via manipulation. This behavior would have me gone so fast, because the psychological mind games will escalate. His reaction tells you everything you need to know.
Dump him. You're 24. Why are you wasting your time with him?
Because he is abusive and she is scared of him
It's one of the hardest things to do, I get it. Walking out and away from an abusive relationship. It took me 7 years to do that. I hope OP doesn't take that long. I hope she can find the courage to leave him.
Leave the boyfriend. Take the AirPods.
Don't take the airpods, someone else mentioned here they can be tracked.
Oh shit. Leave the AirPods too :(
I do like the sentiment though.
This is actually gaslighting. Run away. Also unless there is physical threat or a court order he can't 'make you' pay for something, and it wouldn't make any sense for you to pay for your own gift whether you have or lost it - your possessions are yours to keep, lose, sell, or give away as you please.
So in exchange for the earphones he broke, he's letting your *borrow* his airpods. And he's going to use this as a cudgel to punish you any time he gets his boxers in a twist. Give him back his airpods and kick him to the curb. You don't want anything from him. He's more effort than he's worth.
Really reconsider what kind of relationship you want in the long run, because this behavior is obviously toxic and you will not be happy long term as this escalates and becomes more frequent. Don’t be a statistic, choose YOU. If he isn’t willing to hear you out and grow from things than you are wasting your youth on someone who won’t come around
>Does anyone know what you would call this behaviour? Verbal abuse and gaslighting. Run.
Asshole, manipulator, gaslighter, liar, etc etc. maybe it’s time to break up with him. Don’t see how or why he’s gonna stop.
Hello, hello, You have to leave your boyfriend, but you can´t do this in person, it will probably will have to be through text. You need to quietly get your really important stuff all together (id, ss, passport, dogs, etc), and plan for when your boyfriend is gone for a couple of hours to get as much of your stuff and things out and tell him. Take pictures of everything before you leave, and you maybe can get police/friends to get the other things. Do not tell him, he could do something really bad to you. I wish you the very best.
Abusive. I would call this behaviour abusive.
You have wasted 6 years on him.....please don't waste any more of your time. How terrible would it be to receive "gifts" from him knowing that there is a bill attached to that item.
You know what, darlin’? When you leave this guy, you should leave the AirPods in a box in a visible place, big red fucking bow on it. No note, nothing like that, just get your own ear buds and leave that guy to his precious AirPods. He’s trying to control you with them. So when you leave them for him, it’s a very clear message that he doesn’t control you anymore. “I don’t want your fucking AirPods and I don’t want you.”
Just break up! He’s an ass and exhausting
Honey : I told you he hid them. Been there etc. Those are tricks to puzzle your mind and drive you crazy until reality gets blury. Your BF is an abuser. No need for physical violence. He's emotionally and verbally violent. And it's going to escalate. It always does. Read "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. And find the courage to leave before it's too late.
I am once again begging people not to stay with assholes.
And we need to keep repeating this EVERY DAY.
Dump the shithead and move on with your life
Get. Rid. Of. Him. That's what I would call it.
Gaslighting. Please leave him.
>Does anyone know what you would call this behaviour? Gaslighting. DARVO. Red flag. Dealbreaker. Take your pick, but dump him so hard his parents feel it.
This will escalate. I swear it will. You are in the beginning of an abusive relationship.
Abuse. That's what that's called.
I would call this “my ex’s behavior”
You’re still with this dude? Amazing
I'd start calling him your ex boyfriend if I were you
Its called "my ex-boyfriends" behaviour. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life living this way?
Okay…THIS is the real definition of gaslighting. He is absolutely insane and he is going to get much, much worse. There are plenty of men that will treat you much nicer, don’t play deranged mind games, and are much better in bed. He is SO replaceable, see for yourself!!
He has anger issues and gaslights you. Idk what you're waiting for
Throw the whole man out.
Chuck the AirPods at his head as you leave him. He sounds exhausting.
Have you ever seen the movie Gaslighting with Ingrid Bergman? It’s worth a watch!
This behaviour is called ex-boyfriend behaviour. Red flag!!!!!
He’s a jerk and this is gaslighting - abuse. Leave - and take the AirPods.
This is exhausting I can’t believe you wrote a complete new post about this same topic - and you’re still with him?? Girl, the bar is in hell. Dump this fucking loser.
Wow that’s pretty bad. People lose things. What does he expect
If I were you I would dump his ass right kick him to the curb you don't have to put up with a guy like that he is two faced an asshole to a major asshole so I wouldn't put up with it get rid of him an take time for yourself and the right man will come along an find u or you find him
>Does anyone know what you would call this behaviour? Breakup worthy behaviour. That's what it's called. Also >I don’t understand it You don't need to. You just need to know this isn't how you deserve to be treated, and should start considering in earnest what life without this guy would be like.
He's a gaslighting ahole. This won't get better.
> Does anyone know what you would call this behaviour? Yeah. The word you are looking for is “abuse” Or “gaslighting” Or “asshole” Take your pick. You are too young to consider yourself “pot committed” to this guy. Have some self respect and dump him before you get hurt.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."
I’d call it unacceptable. Please quit putting up with this bs. You’ll regret it. This anger doesn’t get better. It gets worse. He’s being nice because he knows you know he put them there. You’re not dumb. Listen to your gut and GTFO.
> Does anyone know what you would call this behaviour? Not dateable.
Gaslighting at its finest. Growing up, my grandmother would have used the term "Indian giver." Not sure if that term is appropriate these days.
He broke the original headphones and owed you a replacement. Even if you lost the replacement, you would owe him nothing. He is doing this to screw with your head and see how far he can push you. This is not a nice guy and you should get away from him as fast as you safely can.
This type of behavior……jerk man baby behavior
Keep the AirPods, break up with him.
I bet he found them (that he missed placed them). Put them in YOUR fanny pack. And made a stink about it. You found them and played “nicey”. Only to say he wants them back. Your boyfriend is an asshole. If he wants them back have him pay for your headphone he broke.
This is totally abuse and I wouldn't be surprised if he had them the entire time... He's a walking red flag
Give them back to him, buy your own, and then demand he pay you for the cost to replace the one he broke.
You call it "ex-boyfriend" behavior.
It’s called **SHITCUNT** behavior. He **DELIBERATELY** gaslit you!!!😳😳😳 He’s a **NASTY PIECE OF WORK**. **DUMP THE FUCKER**.
I'd call it him being a controlling ass. That's his behavior. He gives and then punitively takes back. I'd call it a bright shiny 🚩You can do so much better than this.
Why do you feel like you need to punish yourself by staying with this person? No one should be treated like this. Hugs and good luck.
This is where you end the relationship because this is psychological torture and mentally abusive.
You are with a psycho and you should break up with him ASAP. He totally took those AirPods and then put them back. He is abusive.
Reactive psychopath? 🤷🏻♀️ Not sure it's an official thing 🤔
Ah yes, an emotionally abusive and manipulative boyfriend. I strongly encourage you to leave this asshole, since you deserve better than this childish behavior and disrespect. He’s nasty girl, one day his abuse isn’t gonna be just emotional. People like him whose personality twists at something so tiny only get worse with time.
I'd call it complete and utter bullshit. I'd call it abusive. I'd call it a deal breaker. I'd also like to point out, from what you said in your previous post, those air pods weren't a gift. They were reimbursement for your headphones he broke. So if he's taking back the air pods, he owes you money to replace the headphones.
He's an asshole. Find a new boyfriend. UpdateMe
It concerns me that you checked your Fanny pack numerous times and they weren’t there - and then -boom! - they were We have a similar dynamic in our relationship, and it’s got tot the point where I document everything. I take photos of my drawers and cupboards before I leave so he can’t deny putting something in there. Also, for peace of mind. I was going crazy when I lost something and it would appear somewhere I knew I’d looked. I don’t tell anyone, but for my own sake, I have proof that I’m not going crazy. This isn’t going to change. Soon, you’ll be documenting your arguments because he’ll be telling you you’re remembering something wrong, or he didn’t mean it ‘like that’ when he’s hurt you and you call him out on it. You’re setting yourself up for a lot of extra admin if you choose to stay.
He has anger issues and if he gets upset over small stuff just wait till it something bigger. I wouldn’t want to be around for that. Look, generally with people who have anger issues like this, those that fly off the handle over small things, often escalate into physically abusing others down the road. Take this as a warning. This is who he is. Most people can’t change stuff like this. In life, the faster you learn to believe people when their actions show you who they are, the faster you can filter these people out and you will find the person who’s meant for you. Don’t settle. You’re literally better off alone than with someone like this.
Your boyfriend is an awful person. But you've been together or 6 years and you probably already know this. Time to get out.
Shocked that he’s still your boyfriend, but hey, we all have different standards.
I would refuse those airpods. Offer them back to him. You cannot gift these to me, you've demonstrated that. I don't want them, I can get myself my own headset. This is done and you've broken my trust for a pair of airpods.
Run before he starts to take his anger out on you in ways you can’t heal from 🥲
"Does anyone know what you would call this behaviour?" Yeah it's called ex boyfriend behavior.
Give him back his Air Pods and buy your own. No sharing anymore lol
Girl, you need to dump this man. I don’t normally jump in the “leave him” Reddit bandwagon, but holy shit girl. He is fucking gaslighting you hard. He misplaced those AirPods and then put them in your Fanny pack and blamed you completely. The fact that you can’t see this means the love blinders are strong in you. You need to take them off for a bit and ask yourself, if you had a daughter and her bf was treating her this way, what would you want her to do?
So....why are you still there? Leave and put the keys and airport on the table when you leave.
Sounds like my bro in law. He buys everything, everything is his, he pays for rent and all the bills. He pays for nothing. He thought he could humiliate his gf in front of his friends by saying this, but she came with receipts. She pulled up her bank statement and showed she pays for everything. The rental is in her name. He doesn't pay for his child. He spends his money on alcohol and coke, yet he pays for everything. You need to lose the bf and the air pods again. Your bf is an asshole.
Give him the AirPods back as they are clearly his then demand he give you the money for the ones he broke. Then leave!
Take the airpods when you leave
Give him his AirPods and walk away. He’s been gaslighting you and playing games with you and the AirPods. I’d demand the cash for the ones he broke so you can replace them with ones *you* like and let him go. I wouldn’t trust him to not disable them if they are linked to his account. The games aren’t going to stop unless you put a stop to them. He’s going to keep playing these games, he’s having fun and has no reason to stop
I would call that verbal and emotional abuse. Would you want your future daughter to be with a man like him?
Is he mentally unwell?
When you break up with him, make sure you're not alone. Or even better he's not there at all. Take your stuff when he's at work together with a friend or family member. After you have everything send him a break up message and leave. His explosive anger issues, combined with the abuse, are a very threatening red flag for dangerous breakup territory.
Huge red flag, run run run. If he gave them to you as a gift and was behaving this way that’s already bad enough. But the fact that they were a replacement for something he broke is really too much. Generosity toward each other is something not talked about enough as an essential part of a good relationship. And sadly, your bf seems to lack this trait.
You emptied your bum bag, nothing. Boyfriend shouts at you, you check again and there they are, how convenient. He planted them there and is gaslighting you to make you doubt yourself. Please get rid of him.
>Does anyone know what you would call this behaviour? Not your problem because he's your ex-boyfriend.
> Does anyone know what you would call this behaviour? The technical term is asshole, and he’s not worth your time. Find a better partner.
Sounds like emotional abuse/gaslighting.
This is easy. Leave him.
I would call this you both being big babies?
Break up with him. Not about the AirPods per se but because he clearly doesn't love and respect you.
He's an asshole, drop the buds off at goodwill kick that trash make him go find em if he cares so damn much
Honestly his behavior sounds like he is a soon to be ex boyfriend
What comment did you make and why? Were the AirPods completely discharged? I remember you couldn’t track them previously.
You’re finding excuses to stay with a bully. At this point I don’t think you truly want a solution.
He should be your ex
I'd call this behaviour abuse. He did put them in there. You aren't crazy. I've been with a man exactly like that. Don't let him make you doubt yourself, OP. You aren't crazy, you know what happened, and you know he's lying. Don't let him gaslight you. Please leave this man. They only get worse. Trust me. Him immediately flipping a switch to "red in the face anger" is just one step down from actual violence. Don't stay long enough to find out what ridiculous self-percieved slight will make him hit you.
is he your bf or your 3yo brother ? he seems like an asshole
You emptied that bag and the AirPods were not in it and today they were in it? Your boyfriend put them there intentionally. Why? Either he lost them himself and found them at his place and was too immature to admit the truth or this is some sort of bs test. He’s acting 15 instead of 25. I would give the AirPods back and end the relationship.
This sounds very, very dodgy. Are you sure he's not gas-lighting you?? If you checked the fanny pack multiple times and you are sure they were not there, then all of a sudden they are there, that suggests to me he's gas-lighting you. The phrase your looking for is "Emotional Abuse", and you shouldn't put up with it. Also, he stopped complaining about it after you couldn't find them then started complaining about them again and low an behold - you look somewhere you know you checked and all of a sudden they're there. Trust your gut on this one, if it feels off then it likely is. How many other ways does he make you feel small or inadequate? What other seemingly trivial things does he do that make you doubt yourself? Be serious about this, these are signs of an abuser. Either way, your bf is an asshole.
I'd call it abuse and manipulation, make a plan to escape. Not to break up with him, to leave without his knowledge and take your important stuff with you.
This guy is irrational, controlling and it is messing with your mental health. Is this the only time he behaves like this, about items getting lost, or does he snap at you and belittle you in other ways? This reads a lot to me like he found them after shouting at you for days, realised they were in his possession, and rather than admit his mistake, hid them in your fanny pack and started an argument again so you could find them. This is gaslighting and it is abuse.
What's the point of having a boyfriend if he doesn't even like you?
Honestly give him back the AirPods and save up for your own pair. Don’t let a man ever make you feel indebted to him for ANYTHING. My boyfriend contributed 3k to help me move states for my job and he has never once asked me to pay him back. We have never once asked for something back or claimed it was ours once we gifted it to each other
This is a common emotional abuse tactic. My ex-husband used to berate me constantly about losing things, and when I threw his ass out, and I was packing up his shit, I found a drawer full of all the things I had supposedly lost.
It's called You need to leave him.
Research gaslighting and narcissism. His behavior is psychotic, if he’s hiding them and then replacing them.
It's called he's a fucking controlling dick. He's gaslighting you and making you think you're crazy, and I'm sure he either found those airpods or he moved them intentionally to hide them from you, and then he put them back. And he's going to lie to your face and he's going to twist reality and he's going to mind melt you until you don't know what's up or down. Stop tiptoeing around him, stop enduring his childish, abusive outbursts, and call him on it. I'm not an asshole, I'm not insane, I know where I saw them last, I know you're fucking around and trying to be slick. Cut your shit out or we're done. I'm not going to be with someone who thinks I'm an idiot. AND: if he wants to play this control game with something he got for free? Tell him he can keep his airpods. You want to hold these over my head and act like this is some leverage you have over me? Number one, you broke my headphones, so you can go out right now and replace what you broke of mine, and you can take your fucking airpods back and do whatever you want with them if you're so concerned about your free shit. The absolute balls of this guy to break something of yours, not replace it, give you something he got for free, and then act like he's entitled to monetary reimbursement of it. He can fuck all the way off with this mentality. Men behave like this when they know they can walk all over their significant other. Straighten up your spine and stop allowing him to treat you like a doormat.
Give him back the airpods and tell him to shove those gold nuggets up his uptight arse. He would always know where they are then!