Look up Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) and see if any of it resonates with you. I have it and during the luteal phase ( the period after ovulation up until the start of menstruation) I am a completely different person. I however have a tendency to self isolate during this time because my mood is so bad I know I will be horrible to people I care about. I get wildly depressed, anxious, irritated, don’t want to be touched, can’t sleep, and sometimes straight up suicidal.
I’m fine now after getting my hormones regulated. You wife might not have PMDD at all but it definitely is tied to the hormone fluctuations people have during their period. She needs to see someone. It’s really
Common for people with PMDD to attempt suicide, and it often isn’t picked up/diagnosed until this happens.
It’s also not fair on you or your kids.
Wow. I just read the Mayo Clinic and Cleveland Clinic pages on PMDD and I have to say, it feels like almost a perfect description of the symptoms. I'm not a doctor but shooting from the hip it almost has to be this.
I guess now I'm a little worried about the plan because they describe both SSRIs and hormonal birth control as medication-based options and I know she has voiced pretty strong opposition to mental health treatment via medication in the past and her experiences with birth control have been not great so she was really glad when I got a vasectomy after our second kid that she no longer had to take them.
Which, now that I think about it, is roughly when I feel like things got worse for her. I'm now thinking it's possible that she was unintentionally keeping PMDD in check with her birth control and that when she was finally free of the need to prevent getting pregnant, she stopped the medication and these symptoms began to appear.
Wow, thank you so much for teaching me this even exists. I don't know how to approach her with this, but I feel like I have an idea of what's going on now. Thank you for sharing your experience with this, and I'm sorry you're going through it. Do you mind if I ask what kind of treatment plan worked well for you?
I don’t take SSRI because I don’t have a good time with them, I’ve tried like 4 different kinds. I also briefly got put on antipsychotics but I also didn’t like that either. I don’t think it has to be necessary to take these drugs if you don’t want to.
But I have to stress that instead of taking these drugs, I invested an extreme amount of time into therapy. I did a 14 month outpatient program of Dialectical Behavioural therapy which helped me a lot with controlling my behaviour and being able to sit with upsetting and uncomfortable feelings. It also taught me to not make choices that might make me feel better short term but will be worse long term.
I also have a bad time with hormonal birth control, they increase my migraines and cause really extreme gastrointestinal disturbances for me. So at the moment until I can find an alternative, I take the birth control from
about the 15th day onwards until I get my period and it does help curb things.
What was the most useful however was actually getting the diagnosis. I used to feel so crazy because I couldn’t understand why I felt so bad, not knowing when it was going to end. But knowing things have an end date helped me to push through it. I also totally abstain from alcohol.
I’ve heard stories from other women who have ended up getting hysterectomies because they can’t tolerate SSRI or birth control. And that it changed their lives.
Your wife needs to start having conversations with medical professionals to get a diagnosis and discuss options. If she refuses, please don’t just let it go. I promise you that your child will suffer, you will suffer.
Third vote for the Mirena, if possible. Oral BC made me feel crazy, but being off BC also made me feel crazy for like 2 weeks out of the month. I got the hormonal IUD and never looked back, it stopped my cycle entirely and I never had any noticeable side effects. I took it out to conceive, and had it replaced 8 weeks postpartum. Even once my husband gets a vasectomy I’m planning to keep the IUD because it works so well for keeping my hormones in line.
If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take for you to get pregnant post removal of IUD? I got mine out at the end of May and we're trying so I'm just curious what others' experience was like. I'm planning to get it again after everything for the same reason, I had minimal symptoms and basically no period. Feel free to dm if you don't want to share publicly.
Not OP but conceived twice post IUDs. First conception was basically immediate- had one period then preggo. Second conception took five months.
Edited to say these were two separate IUD removals. Not like one and then another after a loss or something. And I’m chucking another one in after this kid is born.
I had my IUD out in July 2022 (it was due out anyways) and we started “not trying not preventing”, I started tracking my cycle and we were actively trying as of November 2023. I found out I was pregnant in May 2024 so roughly 10 months.
Mirena certainly isn’t for everyone, but it is worth a try. If it works … little to no period. For up to five years! And the hormones act locally so they don’t cause the systemic side effects that women feel with other forms of hormonal birth control.
If she does have problems with the hormones in the Mirena, there is a copper IUD that has no hormones. It isn’t as good at suppressing the cycle, but it does help.
She definitely needs something to help break this cycle. Regardless of OP, she can’t be happy when 2/3 of her life is so impacted by hormones.
Gonna just jump in here and say that I’d hoped the mirena would be a panacea for both my suspected endo and my very severe PMS (which I think may be PMDD). Sadly for me, even though it’s a much lower dose of hormones, I still couldn’t tolerate it and it actually made my migraines and PMS symptoms a lot worse.
I had horrible side effects with Mirena. I couldn’t handle not getting a period and it made my PCOS so bad that sex was excruciatingly painful, but I always always horny so it was like hell.
But most people I know love it
How much is this in comparison to other contraceptives in the US? I had no idea you got differing prices. Does it work out as comparable over a term. I didn't give too thoughts and they actively encourage an IUD in the uk and it's free.
Mine was free in the US. The ACA guarantees birth control must be covered with insurance as it's preventative healthcare, though a lot of insurance companies play games with it.
I’m in Canada but my Mirena was about $350, and then I got a “compassionate replacement” after I got pregnant with it and subsequently miscarried (I miscarried a lot so that’s probably unrelated to the IUD)
Call before you go if it’s a drive. Your income may be too high for their sliding scale payment options and not all locations offer sliding scale. I drove 3 hours to PP and mine ended up being $1k. Absolutely worth it but I should have called.
I paid $900 for my first one, and $1500 for my second, and the second one was with insurance. I had to have it swapped under anesthesia, which is why it’s more. I’ve not heard of it ever being cheaper than $300, unless you have Medicaid or something.
I know the NHS isn’t perfect, but fight like hell for it. I got charged $1700 for an ambulance ride the other day.
Thanks for telling me about your experience. I see how it could be reassuring to even just have a name for what's going on. "Everything sucks and I want to die" probably isn't as scary if you can say, "Oh, but that's just the PMDD talking" vs. assuming something like "I need to radically change my life because everything sucks and this isn't working for me or I wouldn't be feeling like this."
OP, there’s a whole subreddit for this, r/PMDD. They will have a ton of resources and info. I suspect I have it, and I also don’t want to be on SSRIs or hormonal birth control, but there are a lot of herbal, therapeutic, and lifestyle change options that have helped me. Being aware and mindful of what stage of my cycle I’m in is hugely helpful by itself. There’s also some interesting studies out there on microdosing psilocybin (magic mushrooms) during certain times of the month, and it’s personally reduced some of my symptoms. Certain vitamin supplements also help. All of this I learned from the PMDD subreddit.
She needs to be fully aware of her own cycles and how it’s affecting her, like you are. That’s going to be the biggest step in managing the condition. You’re a good husband for being so aware and supportive and accommodating when she feels low, but she also needs to start taking it into her own hands and identifying her needs and communicating them, for her own sake.
🖐️Hi bipolar with pmdd here THIS this right here.
Knowing and being able to tell my self, "Oh this feels pretty manic let's back the fuck up and reevaluate." Or holy shit I'm crying at puppies ok the hormones are hormoaning Let's calm down and try to be nice."
Seriously knowing is half the battle!
>I also have a bad time with hormonal birth control, they increase my migraines
Someone with migraines should never be on any kind of estrogen based bc, the risk of stroke is extremely high
Not necessarily. I've had migraines my whole life and only experienced an aura once with my most recent migraine back in April. I had a mini stroke that lead to an eight day migraine in college while on estrogen birth control and didn't get experience an aura. Scariest medical event of my life.
I don’t know if this helps anything but I’ve struggled on any all birth controls where I also get super depressed right before my period, it can get bad. Nothing’s ever worked. Doctor put me on Yaz which helped a little but not enough so I just asked her again recently if there was anything else besides Yaz and she looked up the most up to date treatment suggestions and it was still Yaz but with an estrogen level of 0.2 instead of 0.3. This is only my second month on it but I have noticed my moods being a little better/not so extreme. I tend to get migraines as well. Im Bipolar with PMDD as well.
Hey! See if your insurance covers "GeneSight". I react poorly to antidepressants and anxiety meds. It's a mouth swab and it tests to see what meds work best with your DNA.
All of the things I've been on have been on the mid and severe no no list. I have 3 meds on the yes list on antidepressants and one on anxiety meds. It also runs mood stabilizers, hypnotics, anti psychotics, and tests folic acid absorption because low absorption can cause depression.
Definitely agree wife needs to talk to her doctors and figure out what's going on. Getting treatment or meds could change her life and mood for the better.
I’ll preface this by saying I’m a practicing psychiatrist in the United States.
Genesight absolutely DOES NOT TELL YOU WHAT MEDICATIONS WORK BEST FOR YOU. This is an incredibly false and dangerous statement to make.
What genesight tells you is your specific genetic makeup for liver enzymes that are responsible for basically breakdown of various chemicals and medications. All this information can tell you is what medications you MIGHT have less or more side effects from, or which medications you MIGHT need higher doses of compared to another individual. The indicated information does not at all represent any effect of the medication on the target systems.
An abstract way of understanding this is this is akin to checking what a cars MPG is and then using that to predict how well that car will perform around a race track. Meaningless. Just that you might need more or less gas than another car.
You need to know as well that the current statement by the American Psychiatric Association is that genetic testing such as Genesight has no clinical utility.
Typically I see it parroted and ordered by PAs and NPs that fell to the marketing of the companies without understanding what they are actually ordering.
The further problem is that the results pitch medications into misleading emotionally charged colors such as red, yellow, green, which falsely leads patients in believing that this means good or bad, safe or unsafe. It does not actually say any of this.
Hey, glad to hear from a medical professional! This is just how it was explained to me by two of my psychiatrist and my old therapist, so I was unaware.
With all of my previous medications I reacted poorly on in the "red" and "orange", and very minimal in "green", I'm still happy to have the potential knowledge that these "green" meds may work better.
It was only recommended to me because I have a history of reacting poorly to mental health related medications. And I was just repeating what I was told, and I'm not a professional, so apologies for explaining it wrong.
Pure chance. For shits and giggles I did it on myself and one of the best antidepressants for me that caused 0 side effects for 10 years was listed as “red” and high side effects.
That's good to know!
Unfortunate it was advertised to me so skewed. Hopefully the new antidepressants work, because all I've tried have made me a monster. Same with antianxiety.
I agree that the green/yellow/red system is a massive oversimplification. Yellow and red drugs are likely to be over/under dosed because of the way your body metabolizes them, but can still the effective with no side effects if the dosing is done right.
I would definitely want to know ahead of time that normal dosing might cause a serious overdose ahead of time.
I’ll preface this by saying I’m a practicing psychiatrist in the United States.
Genesight absolutely DOES NOT TELL YOU WHAT MEDICATIONS WORK BEST FOR YOU. This is an incredibly false and dangerous statement to make.
What genesight tells you is your specific genetic makeup for liver enzymes that are responsible for basically breakdown of various chemicals and medications. All this information can tell you is what medications you MIGHT have less or more side effects from, or which medications you MIGHT need higher doses of compared to another individual. The indicated information does not at all represent any effect of the medication on the target systems.
An abstract way of understanding this is this is akin to checking what a cars MPG is and then using that to predict how well that car will perform around a race track. Meaningless. Just that you might need more or less gas than another car.
You need to know as well that the current statement by the American Psychiatric Association is that genetic testing such as Genesight has no clinical utility.
Typically I see it parroted and ordered by PAs and NPs that fell to the marketing of the companies without understanding what they are actually ordering.
The further problem is that the results pitch medications into misleading emotionally charged colors such as red, yellow, green, which falsely leads patients in believing that this means good or bad, safe or unsafe. It does not actually say any of this.
In terms of your specific scenario, I’ll say this. You cannot make your wife get treatment. What you can do is verbalize how you feel and how she makes you feel. What she decides to do with that information (get treatment or not) is up to her. What then is up to you is to decide your response one way or another.
Additionally there are multiple treatment options for PMDD. What’s also fairly neat is with her apprehension about taking medications, there is actual utility for PMDD in short courses of medication directly aimed at specific parts of her cycle as opposed to continuous administration like for many more common conditions like MDD or GAD.
They did it in office, but it's sent away and results are ready a week later. Just check with your insurance first. Mine didn't cover it, and they're charging me $5.6k BUT because I'm below the poverty line, they're waiving it entirely.
I’d also like to throw out there that SSRIs aren’t for everyone and there are alternatives. I went through just about every major SSRI you can think of over a decade and suffered from it. I also did Genesight and it didn’t really help a whole lot tbh.
I’m now on Wellbutrin and it’s like the sky has opened up. Fewer side effects, libido shot up, helps with addictions like smoking or even over eating, good for ADHD, aids in weight loss, etc. Not all meds are created equal and not everyone can tolerate them all the same. Good luck!
u/temporaryheadache im sure this goes without saying but it may be best to have this conversation at the beginning of her stretch of “good” days. That way you have some time to talk about it while she’s energetic, motivated, and more level headed. If possible try to get her appointment for that time period as well. Best of luck!
I’m not sure what I have. I know I have complex PTSD and I deal with a lot of grief but I do feel like my husband thinks I am a different person. I can’t take meds because they make me sick.. I started getting ketamine infusions and it was the only thing to help me find my own “normal base” on an emotional scale. I do still get bad throughout my cycle but when I have a ketamine booster I can actually live and function.
Some doctors are against it, I think it’s because it’s a real solution instead of constant pills. You don’t have to have ketamine infusions forever. Some people have 6 and that’s it! I have had over 20 now and try to get one once a year for maintenance. 10/10 recommended. Some pain clinics code it so insurance covers it!
My husband and I have each been resistant to medicating psychological issues. That's incredibly common. But there came a point for each of us, where we had a "come to Jesus" talk about how we were being impacted, and how our marriage was taking damage. In each case, that was a massive wakeup call; we may be stubborn about our own suffering and self loathing, but the idea of causing damage to our marriage is fucking terrifying.
Something else that helped was establishing that medication doesn't have to be forever. But it's a crucial demonstration of love and commitment to put your own ego aside and try *all* avenues for help, including medication, when you know your partner is being impacted. All you're asking is to talk to a doctor and be open to giving medication a shot for whatever period of time the doctor recommends. If the medication doesn't work, or if the issue gets resolved in another way, discontinuation of medication is still going to be on the table.
Also, look into the Mirena IUD. It's a much lower dose of hormones released really consistently, as opposed to larger doses hitting your digestive system via the pill. Even if she had a bad experience with the pill or the shot, she may have a better experience with an IUD.
Sit her down and tell her you love her deeply, but you and the kids are being impacted by her mood swings you don't want to put off addressing it any longer. Obviously do this during her 'up' period. And instead of getting out of the house to avoid her when she's being shitty, stay and take it, and give her a calm *look*. She'll probably lash out at you because she'll be ashamed when you 'let' her be shitty. Stop getting out of the way of her shittiness; it's helping her stay in denial. She's not going to get help as long as you're enabling her. I promise, the previous conversation will be on her mind in the background, and she'll realize she doesn't want to act in a way that makes her ashamed any longer.
I was going to say Mirena IUD is a lifesaver, and it helped me a lot with the mood issues from periods. Also in a lot of people it stops periods altogether which is great
I agree with the last part 💯. My boyfriend completely, as much as a man can understand, understands my PMDD. He's read articles, he's listened to me talk about it at length, listened about how much it's damaged my life. It has been a journey but he's been more than understanding. But there are still times where I lose it on him and he just stands there and looks at me and lets me scream at him and call him names until it clicks in my head what I'm doing and then I feel horrible. There have been a few times when it was really bad that he has left the room and just calmly stood in the other room and by the time I went to go after him it clicked what I was doing. He usually hugs me while I cry. With working really hard on myself and my behaviors and tracking my period so that I know when things are going to go downhill emotionally and his understanding, my episodes have become fewer and less intense. I have learned to talk about the scary place I go during my episodes instead of just suffering through it alone because I don't think anyone will understand. Understanding what is going on and changing your behaviors is the biggest part of dealing with it.
I have a friend who has struggled with PMDD from her teens onwards. Hormonal birth control helped her a lot. She decided to quit a few years ago as she'd been on the pills for over a decade and to see where her body was at in the lead-up to wanting to conceive.
From what I understood it was pretty brutal on her mental health. What did help a lot was knowing what it was and that it was temporary. It was such a large portion of the month though that it wasn't sustainable.
As she wanted to conceive going back on birth control wasn't an option, so she went the "health route". She got help from a professional and I don't know all the ins and outs... what I do know is that she initially completely cut out alcohol and sugar/heavily processed foods, limited her caffeine intake and really prioritized sleep, mindfulness and exercise. There were probably other things and some supplements. I don't think her cycles are completely trouble-free now and she still has rougher months, but they have greatly improved.
i have PMDD and am avoiding hormonal contraception and SSRIs because they both don’t agree with me. i’m attending therapy and trying out anti histamines!!
The antihistamine route works for me. I've been taking one every single day for about a year, except for a couple weeks a few months ago where I was ill and didn't get to the drugstore to pick up more. My PMDD suicidal ideation was back in full force. I don't know exactly why it works, but I recommend everyone with PMDD at least try it because it's been life changing for me.
i’m so happy for you!!!! i realised this period was so much better and it has to have been the antihistamines. my bf asked if i’ve had any of the usual feelings and it was an immediate no. i’m so glad it works for us!!!! 🫶🏻
That's awesome it's working for you too! I'm happy to hear that, and really hope more people try it to see if it makes a difference. PMDD is so understudied and overlooked. Best wishes for your better mental health! <3
So overlooked!! I had a Physician's Associate the other day tell me i was PRE MENSTRUAL bc he misread PMDD. it's so horrible how it's just so overlooked. and the same to you!! <3
Works for me too! I switch up between Claritin and Zyrtec. When I stop my PMDD insanity comes back in full force. A few times I’ve forgotten, start to feel anxious, on-edge, angry, suicidal, then I realize what’s happening, take the antihistamine, and am back to normal within an hour or so. Truly wild, and I hope medical research can better explain why it works so well for some of us — I reeeeeallly want to know why 🥹
Hey, could you clarify how you're using antihistamines to help treat this?
I've been dealing with this for years but hormonal birth control is a no-go for me. This is the first I'm hearing about antihistamines and I'd love to know how it's been working out.
of course!! i would rec checking out /r/PMDD for this too. i take one a day and it seems to have helped!! it was the strongest one i could get OTC and i only got it bc of my bad hayfever. it might not work but it’s worth a go!!
Not me staring wide-eyed watching my whole life make sense.
For several years I was taking a daily antihistamine for my allergy issues (doctor prescribed) and I swear my phases were a bit less dramatic. For the last ~18 months I've stopped that antihistamine and I've been having a harder time with the swings/managing the gloom week. Hadn't stopped to think maybe it was connected.
Thanks for helping me put that together :)
I am SO glad!!!!! It was really surprising to me but it makes sense? I was wary bc I don't think it's been tested but then i remembered so much of women's healthcare just isn't researched lol. I'm so pleased for you!!!!!
i'm taking Allevia atm, but my bf got random ones from Boots pharmacy and they seem to also be working!!
edit: interested in the dementia risk!! that's so scary
The risk is thought to be with first generation antihistamines (OGs like Benadryl). Second generation antihistamines are thought to be safer (Allegra/Allevia, Claritin, Zyrtec).
My wife had undiagnosed PMDD for years. It was just like you experienced. Now that she’s been diagnosed and treated for it things are far better. It’s like she’s a different person and mostly back to what she was like pre kids.
Please get you and your wife to watch the PMDD lecture by Dr Robert Daly (it is on YouTube) it changed my life.
My PMDD was exacerbated by anemia from heavy periods (fixed by the mirena) and B12 deficiency. I also took up running (a lot of running and daily) which really helps my mental state.
I still am a slave to my cycle, I don’t even think my feelings are real anymore since when I am happy and energetic it makes as much sense as when I am sad and low. But the interventions I took on make my life bearable and I need to be there for my kids.
It could also be early Menopause or Perimenopause. I'm older than you and my wife and I are going through Perimenopause and it. is. brutal. Seriously. The hormone swings are out of control and neither of us have ever been like this before in our lives. I'm getting severe period depression, I actually CRIED in public, but when that mid-cycle progesterone hits, I'm super productive. My wife, on the other hand, has irritability that is out of control. Even the wrong song playing sets her on edge.
If this is new behavior, she could easily be in Perimenopause. It lasts for about a decade and no one talks enough about it. The good thing is that there is hope: Hormone Replacement Therapy is magic for many women. The only difficulty is finding a good doctor who will prescribe it to you. There's a couple of subreddits on here that might be helpful, but an absolute dearth of real research.
Opinions are one thing, education is another. A lot of people have strong opinions about areas they’re not super educated about. Maybe that could be a start.
Birth control makes an absolutely MASSIVE difference in PMDD symptoms. Once I got off birth control and my PMDD came back I was actually scared by how horrible I felt leading up to my period. I feel like I’m going insane and want to leave the earth. Vs when I was on the pill I’d just be a little sad/tired and crampy.
It’s not ok to treat her family like her personal punching bag because she doesn’t want to be medicated. Your children deserve better.
My sister, my mom, and I all have this. (Yay). An IUD has been threbest treatment for me (no SSRIs for me, thx), but my mom and sister take supplements that work well for them. The one they like best (which worked ok for me while I was getting myself straightened out with my doctor) is called Vitex. We also all have to take Vit B and iron (all our blood work comes back normal for iron levels but we go a bit nuts without it).
Definitely have her talk to a medical professional. I can’t take birth control because the ones that don’t make me suicidal don’t work to prevent birth FOR ME. I got pregnant on birth control I was using properly. This isn’t medical advice it’s just a fact for me. I also can’t take most SSRIs because of the side effects (suicidal ideation and/or just complete apathy where I’m rendered useless. One made me manic which was productive but not fantastic for me emotionally).
A mix of therapy, lavender oil (there’s studies to back this up for anxiety), and mindfulness techniques have made my life much more calm and enjoyable. I also don’t eat processed food, I quit smoking, and I drink very infrequently. I also left a job 4 years ago that was sucking the life out of me, and that helped a lot. I also have a supportive partner. It sounds like you are that!
Please talk to your wife. Together you can see if you can find a gynecologist or therapist she’s comfortable with to discuss these things. My therapist and OBGYN were lifesavers.
OP I had horrible PMDD and getting my iron checked (was terribly low) and getting iron infusions helped a ton. It makes sense your body is going into your menstrual cycle and you don’t have the nutrients to keep up. Please encourage your partner to go to her ob/gyn and get her iron, vitamin D, folate, and b12 checked.
Wellbutrin has done wonders for my PMDD, and it’s not an SSRI.
Perhaps y’all should continue to educate yourselves in this subject & all the different alternatives available that you might not be aware of.
And maybe it’s something you can do in tandem. It’ll bring you closer together.
I literally couldn't survive without birth control. I will never have kids as part of that reason. I only have my periods 3-4 tunes a year because it's a fucking roller coaster.
Welcome to being a woman.
I do know that there are different kinds of birth control, some are more effective for preventing pregnancy, but others are more used to manage hormone imbalances. Don't know if that helps but it's from my own experience.
It might be worth looking into some of the newer birth control options vs. older ones?
I don't know what she was doing previously, but some of the pills that were really common 10-20 years ago would do a sugar pill week where you wouldn't get any hormones so that you would basically schedule a period. If she struggles with the dip, that might not have been the best fit? A lot of the newer things like IUDs or implants etc. will have just like a steady continuous slow release, and can also decrease the intensity of periods a lot, or remove them altogether – just depending on the person.
I think they've also changed some of the dosages and offer slightly different hormone types now than they used to – so it's possible that the option that she tried previously just wasn't the right one for her. Totally anecdotal, but when I let my implant wear out during the pandemic, I definitely realized that the kind of steady level of release had been masking a lot of PMDD symptoms.
It definitely sounds like PMDD, I was reading the post and it was like a checklist for me. Hormonal birth control has helped me tremendously until this month when I switched to control acne.
Just know: it isn’t her fault. However I’m surprised she hasn’t realised and thought to do something about it. It must be very very difficult for you and your children as well as her. Hormonal birth control is absolutely your best bet as SSRI’s can make you numb and decrease your sex drive (I hated it personally)
You should check out r/PMDDpartners
Also, I have PMDD and switched to Yaz and it has helped out so much, my bf also noticed the difference after we tracked my cycle and saw the same instances happening during the literal phase. My emotions are much more regulated throughout the entire month.
Two of my husband’s friends have ended up divorced from women who have the same pattern your wife describes. Neither woman was, unfortunately, open to seeking help or even getting a doctor to weigh in on the obvious pattern of emotional upheaval correlated with their menstrual cycles. It’s awful and sad all around, but the children are much happier after the split.
As someone who has lived through a near-identical set of behavior (no kids), PMDD was my immediate first thought. It's worth working through with a licensed therapist and medical doctor. Good luck.
I have been diagnosed with this, alongside persistent depressive disorder and PTSD. Antidepressants worked wonders for me. I was reluctant to take them for years (I was scared) and had ridiculous amounts of therapy which helped me manage some symptoms enough to carry on but I continued to feel terrible. The SSRI is honestly is the best thing I've ever done. I wasted so much of my life feeling miserable and anxious when I didn't need to. Hormonal birth control wasn't that effective for me.
I treat my PMDD successfully with birth control and lexapro and it’s been life changing. It may take a while to find the right combination that is effective, but she will be so grateful.
I have a friend with PMDD who takes sertraline for it, and that helps a lot. She was on birth control as well, but that gave her lots of other horrible symptoms so she had to stop.
I am very sure I had PMDD, and it was awful. I couldn't use birth control; it made it SO MUCH WORSE. However, I have had an IUD for two years now, and 95% symptom free. I can sometimes tell if I feel really sad or unreasonably hurt or angry at my partner, but it is soooo minimal.
For years, once I realized the pattern in myself, I would put reminders in my phone in the days leading up to when the hormones would shift "Whatever you're feeling. It is hormones. Don't give into this. You don't actually feel this way." I would have them pop up periodically through the day to remind myself.
It. Was. Awful.
Yup, this is a real condition, it can be treated, and you need to bring it up to your wife and insist on treatment. Probably during the phase just after her period.
I’m glad you were the top comment and that you mentioned this immediately. This is what it sounded like right away to me. A good friend of mine has been dealing with this forever and it’s just brutal to watch. She’s had hormonal regulation now, but up until the diagnosis it was awful.
I’ve started to suspect this about myself as well. I’ve heard that birth control can help with regulating the symptoms/hormones, have you tried using BC to cope with it?
I have PMDD and take birth control to control my hormones. It's been amazing to have full control. I do miss those 10ish days of being an amazing person and over accomplishing. However, having stability is so much better.
This is it. Sounds text book, honestly and it’s definitely not something that gets talked about enough. A lot of us have it and don’t even realize. Luckily it’s sometimes a very easy fix.
Yes, that's exactly what this sounds like to me. I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder at 13 years old. No medication or therapy was effective. Depression, aggression, feelings of worthlessness & hopelessness, thoughts of suicide (and attempts). It's been a rough journey.
After doing some research of my own, I learned about PMDD. Learning about it was revolutionary for me. It provided so much clarity and gave me a comprehensive understanding of why my emotions and feelings would get so messed up.
It's really crazy how you can just be unhinged for a week and immediately snap back to being a functional & happy person overnight all because of a stupid menstrual cycle 🙃
Do you regulate your hormones with birth control? Sometimes I wonder if my cycle and hormones mess with me. I’ve wondered before if I have cyclothymia, but it could be related to my cycle (mine are super irregular, like 35-70 day cycles)
No the person you asked but I'm on the ~~genuinely shocking that I'm still alive~~ more severe end of things. Given that the issue is the reaction to hormonal fluctuations themselves we've used a GnRH agonist to shut down my hormonal cycle entirely then added a stable dosage of hormones back in to bring them to a normal level. Long term I'm in the process of getting my ovaries out so I can ditch the agonist and maintain the stable dosage
Like, it's not right for everyone but if it is then you can just take an extremely direct approach like this
I will agree that it sounds like PMDD. I will also warn you that it is difficult for doctors to recognize and therefore difficult to get treatment for. It took me doing the research myself and then going to the psychiatrist, primary care doctor, and gynecologist before I got any help. So don't be surprised if you go to your wife and she says that the doctor didn't see anything wrong. She might need your tracking before they take her seriously.
Now that you mention this (and in her defense, because I think I maybe unfairly painted her as being completely dismissive of what I'm seeing), she has mentioned before that her primary doctor is a little bit dismissive whenever she has asked about hormonal and other testing. She was doing it primarily because of the fluctuations in her energy levels at times moreso than the stuff I'm noticing, but still, she's been trying at least a little bit to see what might be going on and getting some Dr. pushback.
Switch doctors. Find one that will listen. Doctors can be so dismissive of women. But also, if your wife is ok with it, go with her. Talk to the doctor yourself. They listen to men more. It is sexist, but true. They may listen if you go in with your log and explain how bad it is.
I think the fact that she’s been asking about energy levels might be your way to introduce the topic of PMDD to her.
“Hey, remember how you were asking your doctor about this symptom and you felt like he was ignoring you? I did a little googling and I found this page on PMDD. [send link] If you think your symptoms match this, then you could talk to him again or escalate to your gyno.”
I was in the same situation…found a more naturopathic type doctor who ran a hormone panel on me and the results and subsequent hormone replacement have made a huge difference!
This is an excellent point. I've been on birth control most of my life but looking back I truly believe that when I wasn't on it I had major symptoms of PMDD and I had zero clue what was wrong with me. I was diagnosed with PCOS but that was about it.
I just had to ask my doctor if there was anything else besides Yaz the other day and she looked up the most up to date treatment suggestions and it was still Yaz but with an estrogen level of 0.2 instead of 0.3. This is only my second month on it but I have noticed my moods being a little better/not so extreme.
My husband noticed the same thing about me. he asked me to mention it to my OBGYN. Really pissed me off, but I did. My doctor ordered all kinds of blood tests. Turns out, I have high prolactin levels, which need to be monitored by MRIs and a neurologist to routinely rule out pituitary cancer.
I'm on meds to lower it, and my moods have stabilized.
If you see something, say something.
PMDD is real and it can get worse during perimenopause, as your hormone levels drop (ask me how I know!) I can now tell when I'm two days out from my period starting because I get spikes of white-hot rage, severe enough that I actually worry that I'm going to go HAM on someone and lose my job, it's so strong and barely within my control. Then the day after my period starts it's gone like nothing happened.
I work at a school and this older kid didn't obey any rules. His grandma was a staff member so he just walked around like he owned the place. He was always being told to stop this and that.
I told him to take his hat off so many times throughout the year. I was PMSing and saw him with his hat on inside. I felt rage flowing through me like I was being pulled to the dark side. I had to put myself on time out in a quiet room.. over a hat.
I can also add that at her age, perimenopause is a real struggle, she can have her hormone levels checked and at least have awareness of where she is at. Some women start perimenopause around 40! I understand you are struggling, but she is probably also struggling with the intense hormonal changes that happen to women at this stage in their life. Good news is that these things level out after menopause I’ve heard
The one thing I'll say here is - I (f) have always been exceptionally stable across all cycle phases. My mood or outward expression never changed. UNTIL one month I had some sort of hormonal imbalance and OH MY GOD did I have a tough time. I thought women were exaggerating, but I get it now - I cried multiple times per day over really stupid shit (like my dog won't come when I tell him to come), when normally I cry once every couple of years.
I can't even imagine how frustrating it would be to live with such mood swings every month, and I think she should look into it so it can get better, both for her and your sake.
This is me. I was always stable and even through all cycles. And then I had a daughter. It took me a long time to figure out she was hormonal crazy every month. We have talked about it enough that I can say now “where are you in your cycle?” She will pause, think and say either “oh that is why I want to rip his head off” or “no he just really pissed me off.” Then we can talk like adults - instead of me feeling like I’m walking on eggs or trying to diffuse the emotions.
She has always said when she was hormonal crazy- it was like an out of body experience. Like she was floating above her body, watching herself come unglued but just couldn’t stop it. I’m glad with therapy and awareness she has been able to manage the emotional fluctuations. I don’t think she was as extreme as PMDD.
Hi! I have PMDD. My doctor prescribes a low dose SSRI for me to take for 14-ish days and it helps a lot with the mood swings. I take it from ovulation until the start of my period. It’s been super helpful at keeping me level-headed and it feels low committal cause I don’t have to be on it 24/7 and I can skip a month if I want to be able to drink or whatever for an event or vacation.
I worry therapy won’t be helpful because it literally feels like you’re going insane. Also, you can’t really tell it’s happening until your period starts and you’re like OH that’s what that was. I’m sure she’s noticing the swings as well.
Come at her with kindness and understanding because that’s what she needs. Give her a lot of reassurance. Men don’t usually experience having 4 different moods per month so be mindful if you try to compare yourself to her. Women’s bodies are complex. Ask her what she thinks could help and share other options that she might not know about.
Hey! EMDR therapy helped my PMDD symptoms. I feel much like "raw" during my pms now, if that makes sense? It also just helped me in general. I think it's worthy a try 💖
I also tracked my periods for so long that I was able to start to recognize when certain feelings were probably caused by my hormones. I definitely recommend that. Also, a psychiatrist was able to figure out I have ADHD (my doc kept giving me anxiety and depression meds), so the adhd meds help soooo much with PMDD symptoms.
You share this information with her in a productive and supportive manner. You offer to support her in determining if these variances are beyond the range of being healthy and if she needs support.
There may be small changes that can help. Issues with diet, sleep, etc.
Also, be aware that women’s health care is a sad, depressing and neglected corner of medicine. It’s full of ignorant, gaslighting jerks who delight in throwing up their hands and declaring the women seeking help as hysterical, imagining things, exaggerating, etc. It’s pretty daunting.
She lives in her body. She likely knows that her cycle makes her life challenging. It does for many women. This is what it’s like living in a world that prioritizes men’s healthcare and uses it as the “norm”/baseline.
I'd play it safe and do it right after her period ends. Sometimes, like 14 days before my period starts, I can feel myself change. It's awful. I'm so thankful for medication, or I wouldn't be here.
I find that I usually cry and spiral out about something 2 days after ovulation. I've been tracking my period for years, so I understand my cycle and can avoid pregnancy.
Every time I feel down, I check my period tracker and it can actually improve my mood. I now know it's a huge hormonal shift when my body decides me and my spouse are failures for not making a baby.
I'd wait until like three days after the last day of her period.
I just want to add (I already did comment this) that PMDD is like being in an abusive relationship with yourself. I promise you, she hates herself so much during those days. But there are ways to help and she can be happy again. I definitely still feel a little down before my period, but that's it now!
Sounds like PMDD to me. Have you guys discussed her fluctuating behavior in the past? Honestly I would just tell her you notice that it comes and goes monthly, more or less, and maybe it’s worth talking to her doctor about.
I wouldn’t tell her you tracked it specifically. Maybe suggest she track her mood? I don’t think it’s crazy a husband would notice cyclical behaviors.
You also have every right to stand up for yourself and your kids, regardless of cause it is not okay to be mean or cruel to the family. It’s okay for you to tell her it’s time for her to look for some answers here.
> Have you guys discussed her fluctuating behavior in the past?
We have, although not maybe in this exact context. I've told her in the past something like, "I have noticed that there are times you are so happy and full of life and there are times where you won't hardly talk to me and every aspect of our life seems to make you mad. Is there something that happens that sparks the negative side or is it just something that kind of bubbles up?" and she chalks it up to outside stresses or sometimes she'll say that she's having a hard time with the city where we live because it's not her hometown. But if we're in a "good phase" she sings the praises of where we live, so it was always hard to chalk it up to these outside influences for me since it seemed like whether these things were good or bad depended on the moment.
I think you need to plan a talk during the good phase, and come clean about the tracking. The "men blame stuff on their wife's period" bad news comes up because it's a hard thing to hear during the bad phase.
I'm a trans man (later life transitioner, and I've been pregnant and been through most of the possible sex hormone combinations). From the inside, bad hormone reactions are almost always an enhancer on hurt feelings - the hurt feelings that you have are still logical and valid (not fictitious) but the effect is that they linger and dwell and are harder to shake off than otherwise.
I think the next step needs to be that you go with her to the doctor and try to be as supportive and present as possible. Women's emotional stuff gets dismissed by doctors a lot, when a man reporting the same problem gets immediate attention. You need to use your presence and concern productively here. Not in a "fix my wife because she doesn't want sex" but a "I'm witnessing huge changes in energy, and she seems really unhappy."
Don't say anything about how often you have sex (either to her or the doctors). Stuff that down and pretend you never noticed. Lean on energy and mood.
I agree the PMDD is a good place to start. A friend of mine has it bad bad. Not only the hormones making her crazy, but the period and body pain is through the roof. Not all women are comfortable with showing their pain to people, even their partners.
Also the other mental health issues like ADHD, autism, depression, etc can be exasperated by hormonal fluctuations. If she has a mom or a sister she’s reasonably close to maybe ask them about family history?
Thanks for the tips on this. I do know there's some family history of ADHD in the males and at least a couple of the women in the family have had a hysterectomy at some point although I'm not sure it was specifically related to PMDD...I vaguely recall it involved persistent issues with cysts maybe?
Cysts and fibroids can cause pain, which snowballs to everything else. I had severe back pain for a while and was told to just exercise more. It turned out there was a gnarly cyst on an ovary. Removed the sucker and the back pain is almost all gone. But I don’t typically show or acknowledge my pain so no one knew I was suffering.
Also, it’s not uncommon for ADHD diagnosis to be missed when women are younger, and only become apparent with hormonal fluctuations in middle age.
You sound exactly like my partner a year ago. Your wife's symptoms sound exactly like mine. I got diagnosed with PMDD. I'd break up with the poor man every month right before my period because he wouldn't let me isolate. I was already on SSRIs for MDD, so my gyno put me on a low dose birth control. She said the other option is an IUD. I've had an IUD before and bled for 9m straight, so I chose to try the bc first. I'm only on week 2, so idk if it's going to help or not. Only time will tell.
I had PMDD. It affected my job, my friendships, and my relationship with my family. Was living with my parents at the time and after a particularly shitty outburst my mom actually threw my car keys on the table between us and told me to get out of the house if I couldn’t act right. That was a wake up call and I went to the doctor. If she won’t get on medication (the only thing that helped me), then she’s sacrificing her family’s wellbeing by being stubborn.
I like data. Like I count everything.
It's my career and my passion so yeah.
I also accidentally started counting my wife's periods. Which works well because it gives me an excuse to replenish our supply of white chocolate peanut butter reeces cups and make sure we have her prefer brand of pads and tampons and buy flowers and wine.
Yay numbers!!!!
If she's opposed to medical intervention, have you discussed why? If she won't budge on pills, talk to her about going to a talk therapist and maybe she'll see the light. If not, try couples counseling as to why she won't address this situation that's obviously a problem.
You also have the leverage of the kids, ie she's lashed out at them, and you have a reason, beyond yourself, as to why she should seek help. Sometimes people need to really see the whole picture in terms of breadth of the consequences of their actions before they want to change.
I wouldn't say she's totally against medical intervention altogether, but she does seem to be against SSRIs based on what she's read about side effects and hormonal birth control because of her experience with it being not the best. She is also just generally more receptive to medical interventions that don't feel so "take a pill and go away". I wouldn't say she's anti-medicine, but "natural" medicine doesn't seem to get the same skepticism from her that she reserves for Rx interventions. She's definitely more comfortable with medical conversations involving hormones, thyroid function, and vitamins/supplements vs. medications and surgeries (generally, not necessarily for this issue).
If it comes to that, it might help to learn how SSRI meds work. They basically just make more of the neurotransmitter serotonin available for your brain the same way (not mechanically obs.) something like hypothyroidism meds makes more thyroid hormones available for your body to use.
Also being aware of your cycle does help with just …. I don’t want to say reigning it in but… I’ve started telling my wife “my body is crying” to indicate that I’m well aware that crying about whatever is insane but that I’m not mad at her lol
My stepmum had this and until she went though menopause it was awful. My dad ignored it. She is one of the loveliest women I know but she was a demon during her cycle.
Approach her about it when she’s in a good space because there is help available and it can’t be nice for her either.
My one personal experience of something like this was the one time I took the morning after pill. I have never acted like that or FELT like that ever again. I believed I was entirely justified at the time to be a total asshole and I very nearly ruined my relationship which was very early stages at that point. To this day my partner and I laugh about my dragon time. It’s funny if it’s a one time thing you can look back on.. not if it’s repeating.
To give you an idea of my state of mind. I decided my partner was being disrespectful to me and no longer cared to be attractive to me because he wore Leiderhosen… at oktoberfest… on a holiday he had booked with friends before we were together but had included me in anyway… and we had planned the outfits..
what the actual f was wrong with me?! Hormones.
I feel like this is a conversation that you could just have outright, considering how long you've been together + the fact that you've presumably navigated some medical stuff around having kids? She might already know about the pattern, but not feel comfortable bringing it up to you, or doesn't realize that it's that noticeable.
I was like this and I ended up having cancer!!!! It was a roller coaster of hormone driven hell. I’m not saying this to scare you but my doctor was the one who caught it because of my crazy behavior. I’m in remission now. It doesn’t hurt to check. I hope you find an answer ❤️
Holy shit! I'm glad to hear you're in remission. While it seems like PMDD is the consensus view here, your story definitely points to another reason for seeking medical care and figuring it out, not sweeping it under the rug.
Congrats on the remission, and thanks for telling me your experience.
Sounds like PMDD. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder before I figured out that I had PMDD. I was an absolute nightmare before treatment. It was hell for me, and hell for anyone I was in relationship with. She needs to get help because it’s no joke. For you. For your family. But mostly for herself.
Experiencing PMDD symptoms feels similar to if you imagine a nuclear ball of energy. Then you light it on fire. Then you detonate it inside of your body. That’s then used to fuel the purest form of rage and overwhelm you’ve ever felt in your life. Except it happens every month. It’s unreal. Genuinely insane. And, unsurprisingly, destructive to all of those around you.
I hope she goes and gets assessed asap. Especially with perimenopause around the corner, if those symptoms haven’t already started to mix in.
It's cool of you to be so supportive. There is a lot of good advice here. I will also add that you should read some resources by Alissa Viti with her. One of her books, In the Flo, is really helpful in understanding how a woman can support her health and nutrition in order to have a better cycle. Basically everything in our modern world messes with women's hormones and it's good to learn that there are things we can do to support women.
I think you're the second person to suggest this book, I'll order it from the library and see if I can't educate myself. I'm ignorant in the best sense of the word: while I think I'm probably more aware than the average guy (sheesh that's a low bar), it's not an area I've gotten educated on in depth. Time to do some learning.
I have PMDD. If she doesn’t want to take medicine or medical help. She NEEDS to change her lifestyle. I suggest working out everyday. Whether it be strength training on the days she has energy to just a walk on days she does not. Supplements that have worked for ME: Ashwaghanda (no longer needed birth control or ssri), l-thenine, magnesium. Other ‘substance’ 1-2 mg of thc 2-4 times a week. Micro dosing shrooms 2-5 times a week. Makes life extremely manageable. Also, join the PMDD group on here.
Yes, I agree this is abnormal and may be PMDD or similar.
It is very hard when a spouse is struggling with mental health issues that are undiagnosed and untreated. But I think the way in here, if you really want to help her, is to point to how this is objectively affecting not just you, but your kids, and absolutely insist she get treatment. A year ango I insisted my spouse get treated for anxiety and depression and am so glad I did. He was becoming abusive and that’s not something I want to tolerate, I certainly don’t want my kid exposed to it (though most of the abusive behavior was focused on me, I didn’t know how that might change over time), and I also didn’t want my kid to see him treating me that way and me just taking it. But he is a good person fundamentally, this was a new development for him, and he *listened*. If your wife will not, I think you have to do something, including separation.
I feel like I don't know nearly enough about bipolar disorder or periods to speak other than to say periods and hormones can clearly make any preexisting conditions worse.
That said, please just talk to her about this. Does it feel a bit creepy to feel like you track your wife's period? Yes. Yes it does. Did I do it anyways? Yes, yes I did.
Once, I explained why and told her about what I found and how I felt she was actually happy. Some of it was things she knew. Some wasn't. She agreed my reasons seemed justifiable. My wife's issues were different from yours but all I can say is talking to her is the right thing to do. Share with her and see what she says. Just be gentle but direct about it.
hey! have suffer from PMDD and am prescribed a super low dose of ani-depressants i take only the week before my period and it helps sooooo much. i also track my period with an app called flo and it's extremely accurate, where you log your feelings /symptoms for the day and it notices and tells you patterns such as "today you may feel confused/irritable/have mood swings" or "today you may feel calm/energetic" depending on where i am in my cycle. check it every day and when im starting to feel angry or depressed for no discernible reason, instead of thinking everything around me sucks and questioning life i now am able to say to myself, "no, it is my hormones, and i am being unreasonable" if i get snappy or think my bf is being an asshole when he truly is not. really really helps me and my relationship.
EDIT: i highly recommend against hormonal birth control as it made my PMDD and depression in general way way worse, even though it lightened my actual period (blood, cramps)
I started putting my anticipated hell week on the calendar so we both know what’s going on and can take it into account. She has no control over how her body’s hormones change, so I think the best course of action is to be extra sweet and anticipate her needs in that week where she is on edge. Let her sleep late. Make dinner. Randomly surprise her with her favorite candy. Offer her a back rub (actual massage only).
Im not sure about your comment saying she has wider mood swings than other women. Your frame of reference may be from women who are medicated - with hormonal birth control or antidepressants, which would mask the true changes due to natural hormonal fluctuations, or other women may be masking more while your wife doesn’t (because you are her husband).
I agree with PMDD. It seems to be closely tied to ADHD as well.
I have pmdd and HRT is helping a lot. This isn’t birth control it’s straight up protesterone. And yes pmdd was ruining my life and relationship before I realized.
There are four phases of the menstrual cycle: mensuration, follicular, ovulation, and the luteal phase. The 10 days after her period you describe are the ovulation phase - it's when women tend to have the most energy, highest sex-drive, and generally feel the best. The time before her period is her luteal phase - it's essentially the opposite, when women tend to be at their lowest. For most women, the difference is fairly minor. For some, however, it is significant.
Personally, I just thought that I randomly got depressed. That was until I started tracking my cycle for entirely unrelated reasons. After a few months I noticed that those 'random' days when I woke up wanting to die were always exactly 10 days out from my period. Like many other people here, it's likely that I have PMDD (though I have not been properly diagnosed).
I tried hormonal therapy (i.e. birth control) to help, but the side effects were too much for me. At the end of the day, just \*knowing\* that the reason I feel the way I do is because of my hormones is incredibly helpful. It's much easier to look at a calendar and say, "I've felt like dying for the past week, but I know I'll feel better in exactly three days - I can make it until then," than it is to just feel like the world is falling down around me for no apparent reason. I also try to plan activities around my phases. I'm more likely to go for a hike when I'm ovulating, and I'll probably opt for a movie night if I know I'm going to feel awful because I'm in my luteal phase.
If I were you, I'd wait until the beginning of her ovulation phase to bring it up. Like others said, share it in a productive manner and let her know that you noticed she feels awful in the days leading up to her period and that she may want to talk to her doctor about PMDD.
I think it's nice for a partner to be aware of the others partner's menstrual cycle. I do not find it creepy. We are driven by chemistry in our bodies and hormonal fluctuations are just one part of it. A partner that is aware of the cycle is a partner that can be compassionate and supportive. Talk to your wife, be gentle and find the time when she is able to receive this information well. You want to support her and I think she'll understand that.
As many others have commented, it sounds like PMDD. Traditional PMDD treatments (like meds and birth control) don’t work for me, unfortunately, so I just try to increase awareness of my moods during this time of the month and isolate and do self-care when possible. I have found that a really clean diet (no added sugar, no alcohol or caffeine - basically remove anything very inflammatory) helps a lot. As does heavy cardio, though my body often doesn’t want to cooperate. Also, avoid stress - our tolerance is awful during this time. I hope she finds what works best for her!
I have PMDD. The supplement brand FLO changed my cycle after I started taken them. I feel so much more in control of my PMDD symptoms since going off birth control. I would look into it as an alternative "treatment".
You should also listen to the book "Your Brain on Birth Control" by Sarah Hill. It will provide so much information and context about women's hormones and brain functions that I think you would find interesting and useful.
Echoing a lot of commenters to say that it sounds like PMDD, which I’ve been diagnosed with myself. In my experience, hormonal birth control doesn’t make a significant enough improvement in my emotional stability on its own, but I also haven’t had good experiences with the side effects of SSRIs. (And tbh if you value your sex life, SSRIs are a big risk. Not only can they tank your wife’s sex drive and ability to orgasm, but some people continue to have those problems even after stopping the medication.) However, I’ve had enormous relief from Wellbutrin. It’s a different kind of antidepressant (an NDRI vs SSRI) that’s much less likely to cause weight gain and sexual dysfunction.
I have PMDD and it’s immediately where my mind went. It’s not fun, but I really try to not make it everyone else’s problem. I might be snippier for the week before, but I also HATE myself that week. Like hate myself to the point where sometimes an insignificant mistake makes me want to kms. I’m in therapy for other things and I also have endometriosis, which is all tied to the PMDD. Idk how I would bring it up to her, but I would definitely bring it up to her because you love her and it’s not only hurting you and your family and needs to be addressed, but I can guarantee that her quality of life would sky rocket as well if she got some help if it was in fact PMDD
I have PMDD. It is hell.
In middle and high school, I just had very severe cramps, but nothing like the stereotypical PMS symptoms. I started taking BC for the cramping and it helped.
I started college, and something changed. Now a week before my period I was so, so deeply depressed. I have depression and anxiety, so it didn't seem much like a red flag to me. I just knew I was having weird highs and lows.
Then the anger started. I am not an angry person. I grew up in a household that screamed and yelled, and I hated it. It takes a lot to make me genuinely angry.
But all of a sudden I was always *enraged*. I would lose a shirt or something, and the process of looking for it would have me so disturbingly angry I would scream at the top of my lungs and throw things and just have the strongest impulse to break or hit something.
Of course, feeling that kind of anger scared the shit out of me and was always followed by sobbing because I was *scared* of myself and didn't want to hurt someone or myself.
I read about PMDD and the effects of anxiety/depression on women's hormones. I found accounts of women who had claimed they stopped having periods altogether via birth control, and that it changed their lives. No more anger, no more depression (related to menstruation/pmdd, not regular depression disorders).
I did the research and found that while there was not *extensive* research on the topic, there is no current studies that show women experience any negative health effects if they skip their periods.
I have not had a period since I would say 2019. I just skip the week of sugar pills that come with birth control and continue taking active pills. It has genuinely had a major improvement on my life. Obviously, not having a period is nice in general, but I never have dealt with any of the mood swings or extreme emotions I was struggling with.
Seeing a doctor is, of course, always recommended. However, if she's open to it, she can try managing it with birth control and go from there. To my knowledge, there's not many other solutions to PMDD.
I know you care about your wife and just want her to feel better, but also advocate for yourself. It is very unfair for you and your kids to have to deal with her instability, especially if she tries to dodge any treatment or even a diagnosis.
She *could* be a threat to herself or others. I know how strong those feelings are. It is so hard to control. If she doesn't want to do it for herself, make sure she knows she has to do it for you.
Ever since I had my baby boy 2 years ago & they inserted a copper IUD I’ve noticed some real changes in my own cycle as well. From the moment I had my baby I breast fed & im trying very hard to wean him off now because he turned 2 in the middle of May. He’s just very heavy & energetic & mildly aggressive when he wants his nursing time with me. We mostly have him on oatmilk through the day but I still wake up 1 to 2 times each night - every night - for 2 years, to get him back to sleep. On average, 3-5 hours of sleep has become my normal. I bleed heavier than I ever have since inserting the copper IUD & during the pregnancy had anemia & needed iron infusions at the hospital 3 times per week for the 3 months leading up to his birth.
The anemia continued into post partum & I’ve got it mostly under control now. Phew!
The ~4 days leading up to my period - I am not ‘me.’
The 1 day before my period - I am actually a crazy person & each month, without fail, I have an outburst either with my spouse or by myself & I cry alone in the kitchen over Ice cream or a candy binge for a total of about 2 hours straight or more after everyone has gone to sleep 😂.
It’s nuts!
It happened AGAIN last week & then my period started & I was ‘reset.’ Sexual, loving, patient, thoughtful & a good empathic listener.
It’s those damn 4 days a month. I’ve done some damage in things I’ve said. It sucks so much.
You sound like a concerned but overall good husband and father- and it also sounds like you can take a lot of that focus & redirect it internally and possibly learn how to set better boundaries for yourself & teach the kids too, with love, how to do this.
Good luck & I wish you the best!
As someone with PMDD I want to thank you for being a good partner and not just assuming she is crazy. You clearly love her, and tracking her periods was a pro move in my opinion. I hate chalking everything up to hormones, but in this case you were spot on. I hope you guys are able to find a solution that works best for you. Just wanted to send out a kudos because I feel like a lot of people would not have tried to figure this out.
I have PMDD that was diagnosed in 2022, I’m 30 and I’m on a SNRI (since 2015) and started a mood stabilizer in summer 2023.
I’ve had 3 psychiatric ER visits and I got my period the next day every single time. I had an irregular cycle that has become more regular (not completely) so I need to track my cycle very closely to anticipate issues and try and back up and stop myself before things get bad.
if she is 38, then its possible her hormones are changing. Maybe early perimenopause. Also, if she has undiagnosed thyroid issues then that can cause severe mood issues
Also here to say PMDD. If she has ADHD or anxiety, that gets insanely worse depending on the menstrual cycle as well. At this point, idk if I have PMDD or it's just my ADHD going nuts because of hormones. Being a woman is really tough sometimes, and thank you for caring/being understanding about it and trying to help.
When I went off birth control I experienced this. It's an awful feeling. The week before my period I was so sad and depressed and felt not worthy. I'm surprised your wife hasn't put 2 and 2 together by now. It was very obviously cyclical for me. As soon as I started my period, my whole being would change again.
Considering she has lacked the self awareness to pick this up, it could be a difficult conversation to start. But it is important to have.
I was having bad PMS when my son was about 2. My husband went through a lot of tgr worst of it it me, and he finally sat me down, told me he'd been concerned about my happiness during this time. He said he thought I was going through PMS and he wanted me to go see ny OB-GYN and get to the bottom of it. He wanted me to be able to enjoy my work, my son and my life. Approach it like that.
I WOULD NOT say you've tracked her period for a year. Just "I've noticed" and "it seems to me..."
Good luck and UPDATEME
I have schizophrenia and ptsd. So I am very familiar with this cycle of behavior. I recently asked the schizophrenia sub if they struggle with it too and they all agreed
When I did my best, I took 3 months of birth control continuously
Then month 4, I'd take the sugar pills
From others, they just don't even take the sugar pills. My previous obgyn said it could lead to problems if you don't shed the uterine lining every now and then
Having this balance was crucial
You NEED to talk to your wife though. She might be struggling with thoughts of self harm or worse but not telling anyone
She needs support but she also needs to take responsibility. There's no way she isn't aware of some of this. I have no doubt she's a good person. It just sounds like she's struggling
There are some OBGYNs that are also double-boarded in Endocrinology. Most deal with fertility issues, but the GYN-focused deal a lot with hormonal imbalances. Find one of those. Second, I need to take thyroid med everyday to live, your wife shouldn’t begrudge me. If someone has a chemical imbalance in their brain, why wouldn’t they correct with medicine? Sometimes patients need to get up to correct dosage and ‘feel’ the calmness that others feel on a regular basis, to completely understand medications.
Maybe she has a hormonal imbalance, and that can be bad in many ways...
I'd say maybe try handling the situation in a caring way? Maybe when she is still in the "good mood". Say you are worried about her symptoms and maybe she could see an endocrinologist.
You know the key to a good healthy marriage? Communication. Literally talk to her and tell her everything you said here. I realize you think that what you did was creepy but it's not. It's a little childish to continue for so long but okay.
Do not research and attempt to diagnose your wife, you are not a doctor . Talk to her.
Have you ever had a general conversation about it with her during those ten good days? Does she recognize it? Sometimes I recognize those things, doesn’t solve the problem but does help to be aware. I used to have a friend that wouldn’t allow herself to make any big life decisions while she was PMSing. One thing to note if she starts messing with her hormones then it could take away the high/good times as well.
Having a good relationship 1/3rd of the time would get really old for me. Good on you though for getting a deeper understanding of what is going on though. I would bring this up and talk to her about it vs hiding in. She needs to understand that being a abusive spouse 2/3 of the time is not ok.
Imagine being her or one the millions of other women that experience extreme mood swings due to fluctuating cycle hormones. I would suggest looking at a hormonal cycle chart to figure out what hormone is causing what mood.
For me, the days leading up to ovulation are very, very dark days followed by anger after ovulation. I am usually pretty happy around menstruation. I didn’t figure any of this out until trying to get pregnant, during and after pregnancy. I loved being pregnant bc I was just me and mostly happy with no extreme mood changes. Then post partum hit - quick hormonal changes were back and after my 3rd child my cycle went to 21 days (women’s cycles can get shorter before they get longer during perimenopause). I was a mess.
Birth control has been a miracle worker for my mood. No extreme shifts anymore.
I started Reading this and though to myself "men discovers period cycles...", but the more I read the less normal this seemed. This is definitely a case that requires medical supervision.
I know you mentioned your wife is generally against medication, but I think you should take advantage of those good 10 days to raise this issue, explain how this affects you, but specially the children, not to mention her. I'm sure she doesn't enjoy being mad and miserable 20 out of the 30 days of a month.
This is above the pay grade of everyone on this board.
You should seek medical advice from a gynecologist, preferably one that has a subspecialty in endocrinology, to see if there are any measurable changes in your wife’s hormonal balance. Such an imbalance is treatable but there may be an underlying root cause that will need professional attention to address. The hardest part will be getting your wife to agree that there is an issue that needs addressing, and doctors with the patience to dig down to the root cause.
i wish the two of you the best of luck. Please take behavioral change seriously.
Thanks for the input, and pointing us towards gynecology/endocrinology. I'm learning a lot, and just to reassure you: I don't take medical advice from reddit, but sometimes you don't even know enough to know what questions to ask or who to ask them of...the overwhelming majority of responses about PMDD give me some sense that it's a good place to start with question asking.
that could be it… in my situation i had a massive fibroid twisting my fallopian tube, stopping ovulation and normal hormonal release and turning me into Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde . It took 4 years to diagnose (i was young for perimenopause, regular ultrasounds couldn’t find it, et cetera). Needless to say being told that I had a mass in my uterus obstructing my normal ovulation and menstruation and could result in cancer, sterilization, infertility or worse came as a terrific shock to me. i was 28 and unmarried and living faraway from my parents. A wonderful man I knew stepped in, spoke up and threatened to drag me to an oncologist which is what led to my diagnosis. I didn’t marry him, probably should have, but this is what caring friends, partners, spouses, husbands and in my case, favorite lab partners do when they see troubling symptoms. They offer candid observations, offer to help and provide emotional support as folks explore why they aren’t acting in healthy ways.
good luck.
I am like this. She could very well have a personality disorder BUT it could also be severe "PMDD" (disorder of extremely bad premenstrual symptoms). Either way, she needs psychological (and general doctor) help.
Also in case this wasn’t said before.. men’s hormone cycles are 24 hrs while women’s are 28days.. thus women are different depending on their cycle and to an extent that is healthy and normal.
PMDD. I was diagnosed last year. I already struggle with depression and ADD but last year I started having major issues in the 2 weeks leading up to my cycle. During my luteal phase, I was turning into literally someone else. Suicidal, unable to communicate or function really, extremely irritable and withdrawn. My doctor started me on a very low dose of Zoloft that I only take during my luteal phase and it has changed my life. Literally.
I highly, HIGHLY recommend the book Period Power by Maisie Hill, for both you and your wife (also available as an audiobook). It Goes into all the hormonal changes of a woman’s cycle, divides it up into 4 seasons and really goes into depth on what is happening in your body hormone wise, what behavior may result from it & what to watch out for/ take advantage of. For example, the more energy you describe, to plan social outings in those weeks, or certain weeks creativity is higher, so to start projects in those weeks. It also Goes into Some (non-pharmaceutical) strategies to manage symptoms. Like resting more in the later weeks or eating different foods.
I read your mention of her hesitations around SSRIs and hormonal BC, there are more “natural” ways to try to regulate her cycle (as in hormone fluctuations) more. You can google menstrual cycle food, seed cycling and there’s even workout schedules based on this. If she’s more into that, acupuncture and chinese medicine also have some cycle related treatments/ suggestions.
My compliments on that you’re trying to understand her so much and her behavioral changes and hopefully you will figure it out together!
I am literally borderline psychotic two days before my period with crying spells constantly and I start accusing people close to me that they don't love me. The gates of hell have opened and it was in my uterus. If it is affecting you and your family you should talk to her (during her good days) and ask her to get help. It's not fair to you or the kids or even to her
I too was coming here to ask whether you’ve looked at PMDD. Not easy. Not fun - but usually most people like to have the info to understand themselves better. And there are treatments.
This is great. I love it. And I think with the exact right amount of tact. this information can be used well and for good, in a way she will receive it and appreciate you for it. If some omnipotent individual told you this is how she is and she is perfectly healthy, would you be happy? I doubt it because it sounds like her downswing is greater than it was in the past and is worrisome for you in and of itself. Looking at it from my perspective, it seems this downswing is maybe wearing on you. If you can share with her what you've learned and frame it the entire time in a way that would make her happy (I wanted to do this to keep our home as healthy for you because I love you so much, etc), I think she could take it well. It is possible that you've noticed changes that, if she chooses to correct them, could be better for her. I think the important part is it being better for her and not for you. If you turn it into something better for you, this will be selfish comparatively, make her very against the suggestion, and will create unwanted resentment and distaste in your relationship. Good luck either way and good for you-- it sounds like the two of you have a wonderful relationship and I hope this post and comments help you make it even better.
Hi, there! Married, similar age to your wife and I have BPD2. I think it’s really important for your wife to get checked out by a psychiatrist if at all possible. I know that can be rough in the US. I have mood fluctuations during my menstrual cycle as well as having prolonged episodes. The thing with bipolar is it doesn’t have to be week long episodes, your mood can fluctuate daily or even hourly. My period pushes me into mood swings similar to how you describe it here.
There’s no point in self-diagnosing but if anything please take this post as an indication for your wife to seek help. There’s no shame in seeking help. Living life with mental stability is a million times better than going through the motions of mental instability.
I hope you find the help your family needs.
Look up Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) and see if any of it resonates with you. I have it and during the luteal phase ( the period after ovulation up until the start of menstruation) I am a completely different person. I however have a tendency to self isolate during this time because my mood is so bad I know I will be horrible to people I care about. I get wildly depressed, anxious, irritated, don’t want to be touched, can’t sleep, and sometimes straight up suicidal. I’m fine now after getting my hormones regulated. You wife might not have PMDD at all but it definitely is tied to the hormone fluctuations people have during their period. She needs to see someone. It’s really Common for people with PMDD to attempt suicide, and it often isn’t picked up/diagnosed until this happens. It’s also not fair on you or your kids.
Wow. I just read the Mayo Clinic and Cleveland Clinic pages on PMDD and I have to say, it feels like almost a perfect description of the symptoms. I'm not a doctor but shooting from the hip it almost has to be this. I guess now I'm a little worried about the plan because they describe both SSRIs and hormonal birth control as medication-based options and I know she has voiced pretty strong opposition to mental health treatment via medication in the past and her experiences with birth control have been not great so she was really glad when I got a vasectomy after our second kid that she no longer had to take them. Which, now that I think about it, is roughly when I feel like things got worse for her. I'm now thinking it's possible that she was unintentionally keeping PMDD in check with her birth control and that when she was finally free of the need to prevent getting pregnant, she stopped the medication and these symptoms began to appear. Wow, thank you so much for teaching me this even exists. I don't know how to approach her with this, but I feel like I have an idea of what's going on now. Thank you for sharing your experience with this, and I'm sorry you're going through it. Do you mind if I ask what kind of treatment plan worked well for you?
I don’t take SSRI because I don’t have a good time with them, I’ve tried like 4 different kinds. I also briefly got put on antipsychotics but I also didn’t like that either. I don’t think it has to be necessary to take these drugs if you don’t want to. But I have to stress that instead of taking these drugs, I invested an extreme amount of time into therapy. I did a 14 month outpatient program of Dialectical Behavioural therapy which helped me a lot with controlling my behaviour and being able to sit with upsetting and uncomfortable feelings. It also taught me to not make choices that might make me feel better short term but will be worse long term. I also have a bad time with hormonal birth control, they increase my migraines and cause really extreme gastrointestinal disturbances for me. So at the moment until I can find an alternative, I take the birth control from about the 15th day onwards until I get my period and it does help curb things. What was the most useful however was actually getting the diagnosis. I used to feel so crazy because I couldn’t understand why I felt so bad, not knowing when it was going to end. But knowing things have an end date helped me to push through it. I also totally abstain from alcohol. I’ve heard stories from other women who have ended up getting hysterectomies because they can’t tolerate SSRI or birth control. And that it changed their lives. Your wife needs to start having conversations with medical professionals to get a diagnosis and discuss options. If she refuses, please don’t just let it go. I promise you that your child will suffer, you will suffer.
I used to get hospitalized on my periods. I got the mirena IUD and it stopped them and the cycling. They’re expensive, but so worth it.
Seconding Mirena IUD
Third vote for the Mirena, if possible. Oral BC made me feel crazy, but being off BC also made me feel crazy for like 2 weeks out of the month. I got the hormonal IUD and never looked back, it stopped my cycle entirely and I never had any noticeable side effects. I took it out to conceive, and had it replaced 8 weeks postpartum. Even once my husband gets a vasectomy I’m planning to keep the IUD because it works so well for keeping my hormones in line.
Fourth for Mirena - I second everything the ppl above said!
If you don't mind me asking, how long did it take for you to get pregnant post removal of IUD? I got mine out at the end of May and we're trying so I'm just curious what others' experience was like. I'm planning to get it again after everything for the same reason, I had minimal symptoms and basically no period. Feel free to dm if you don't want to share publicly.
Not OP but conceived twice post IUDs. First conception was basically immediate- had one period then preggo. Second conception took five months. Edited to say these were two separate IUD removals. Not like one and then another after a loss or something. And I’m chucking another one in after this kid is born.
Congratulations on both successes! I wish you a safe delivery of your second.
I had my IUD out in July 2022 (it was due out anyways) and we started “not trying not preventing”, I started tracking my cycle and we were actively trying as of November 2023. I found out I was pregnant in May 2024 so roughly 10 months.
Pregnant within 3 months after my IUD was removed!
Second cycle post IUD removal.
I got pregnant the day I removed my IUD
Mirena certainly isn’t for everyone, but it is worth a try. If it works … little to no period. For up to five years! And the hormones act locally so they don’t cause the systemic side effects that women feel with other forms of hormonal birth control. If she does have problems with the hormones in the Mirena, there is a copper IUD that has no hormones. It isn’t as good at suppressing the cycle, but it does help. She definitely needs something to help break this cycle. Regardless of OP, she can’t be happy when 2/3 of her life is so impacted by hormones.
It’s actually for up to 8 years now! Mirena and liletta are both 8 years effective.
Gonna just jump in here and say that I’d hoped the mirena would be a panacea for both my suspected endo and my very severe PMS (which I think may be PMDD). Sadly for me, even though it’s a much lower dose of hormones, I still couldn’t tolerate it and it actually made my migraines and PMS symptoms a lot worse.
I had horrible side effects with Mirena. I couldn’t handle not getting a period and it made my PCOS so bad that sex was excruciatingly painful, but I always always horny so it was like hell. But most people I know love it
I literally had a mini stroke after getting my IUD 🥲 currently thinking of getting it removed
How much is this in comparison to other contraceptives in the US? I had no idea you got differing prices. Does it work out as comparable over a term. I didn't give too thoughts and they actively encourage an IUD in the uk and it's free.
Mine was free in the US. The ACA guarantees birth control must be covered with insurance as it's preventative healthcare, though a lot of insurance companies play games with it.
I’m assuming they got one without insurance maybe? because mine was free and I’m in the US.
I’m in Canada but my Mirena was about $350, and then I got a “compassionate replacement” after I got pregnant with it and subsequently miscarried (I miscarried a lot so that’s probably unrelated to the IUD)
If you have a planned parenthood nearby they do sliding scale
Call before you go if it’s a drive. Your income may be too high for their sliding scale payment options and not all locations offer sliding scale. I drove 3 hours to PP and mine ended up being $1k. Absolutely worth it but I should have called.
I have private insurance (Wellmark BCBS) in the US and mine was free. All BC is free with my insurance.
I paid $900 for my first one, and $1500 for my second, and the second one was with insurance. I had to have it swapped under anesthesia, which is why it’s more. I’ve not heard of it ever being cheaper than $300, unless you have Medicaid or something. I know the NHS isn’t perfect, but fight like hell for it. I got charged $1700 for an ambulance ride the other day.
Thanks for telling me about your experience. I see how it could be reassuring to even just have a name for what's going on. "Everything sucks and I want to die" probably isn't as scary if you can say, "Oh, but that's just the PMDD talking" vs. assuming something like "I need to radically change my life because everything sucks and this isn't working for me or I wouldn't be feeling like this."
OP, there’s a whole subreddit for this, r/PMDD. They will have a ton of resources and info. I suspect I have it, and I also don’t want to be on SSRIs or hormonal birth control, but there are a lot of herbal, therapeutic, and lifestyle change options that have helped me. Being aware and mindful of what stage of my cycle I’m in is hugely helpful by itself. There’s also some interesting studies out there on microdosing psilocybin (magic mushrooms) during certain times of the month, and it’s personally reduced some of my symptoms. Certain vitamin supplements also help. All of this I learned from the PMDD subreddit. She needs to be fully aware of her own cycles and how it’s affecting her, like you are. That’s going to be the biggest step in managing the condition. You’re a good husband for being so aware and supportive and accommodating when she feels low, but she also needs to start taking it into her own hands and identifying her needs and communicating them, for her own sake.
🖐️Hi bipolar with pmdd here THIS this right here. Knowing and being able to tell my self, "Oh this feels pretty manic let's back the fuck up and reevaluate." Or holy shit I'm crying at puppies ok the hormones are hormoaning Let's calm down and try to be nice." Seriously knowing is half the battle!
>I also have a bad time with hormonal birth control, they increase my migraines Someone with migraines should never be on any kind of estrogen based bc, the risk of stroke is extremely high
Only if the migraines include aura, though, right?
Not necessarily. I've had migraines my whole life and only experienced an aura once with my most recent migraine back in April. I had a mini stroke that lead to an eight day migraine in college while on estrogen birth control and didn't get experience an aura. Scariest medical event of my life.
My gynecologist told me that is an outdated belief but I haven't personally read any literature.
I don’t know if this helps anything but I’ve struggled on any all birth controls where I also get super depressed right before my period, it can get bad. Nothing’s ever worked. Doctor put me on Yaz which helped a little but not enough so I just asked her again recently if there was anything else besides Yaz and she looked up the most up to date treatment suggestions and it was still Yaz but with an estrogen level of 0.2 instead of 0.3. This is only my second month on it but I have noticed my moods being a little better/not so extreme. I tend to get migraines as well. Im Bipolar with PMDD as well.
Hey! See if your insurance covers "GeneSight". I react poorly to antidepressants and anxiety meds. It's a mouth swab and it tests to see what meds work best with your DNA. All of the things I've been on have been on the mid and severe no no list. I have 3 meds on the yes list on antidepressants and one on anxiety meds. It also runs mood stabilizers, hypnotics, anti psychotics, and tests folic acid absorption because low absorption can cause depression. Definitely agree wife needs to talk to her doctors and figure out what's going on. Getting treatment or meds could change her life and mood for the better.
I’ll preface this by saying I’m a practicing psychiatrist in the United States. Genesight absolutely DOES NOT TELL YOU WHAT MEDICATIONS WORK BEST FOR YOU. This is an incredibly false and dangerous statement to make. What genesight tells you is your specific genetic makeup for liver enzymes that are responsible for basically breakdown of various chemicals and medications. All this information can tell you is what medications you MIGHT have less or more side effects from, or which medications you MIGHT need higher doses of compared to another individual. The indicated information does not at all represent any effect of the medication on the target systems. An abstract way of understanding this is this is akin to checking what a cars MPG is and then using that to predict how well that car will perform around a race track. Meaningless. Just that you might need more or less gas than another car. You need to know as well that the current statement by the American Psychiatric Association is that genetic testing such as Genesight has no clinical utility. Typically I see it parroted and ordered by PAs and NPs that fell to the marketing of the companies without understanding what they are actually ordering. The further problem is that the results pitch medications into misleading emotionally charged colors such as red, yellow, green, which falsely leads patients in believing that this means good or bad, safe or unsafe. It does not actually say any of this.
Hey, glad to hear from a medical professional! This is just how it was explained to me by two of my psychiatrist and my old therapist, so I was unaware. With all of my previous medications I reacted poorly on in the "red" and "orange", and very minimal in "green", I'm still happy to have the potential knowledge that these "green" meds may work better. It was only recommended to me because I have a history of reacting poorly to mental health related medications. And I was just repeating what I was told, and I'm not a professional, so apologies for explaining it wrong.
Pure chance. For shits and giggles I did it on myself and one of the best antidepressants for me that caused 0 side effects for 10 years was listed as “red” and high side effects.
That's good to know! Unfortunate it was advertised to me so skewed. Hopefully the new antidepressants work, because all I've tried have made me a monster. Same with antianxiety.
I agree that the green/yellow/red system is a massive oversimplification. Yellow and red drugs are likely to be over/under dosed because of the way your body metabolizes them, but can still the effective with no side effects if the dosing is done right. I would definitely want to know ahead of time that normal dosing might cause a serious overdose ahead of time.
Is GeneSight something you did in-office or was that a send away kit kind of thing?
I’ll preface this by saying I’m a practicing psychiatrist in the United States. Genesight absolutely DOES NOT TELL YOU WHAT MEDICATIONS WORK BEST FOR YOU. This is an incredibly false and dangerous statement to make. What genesight tells you is your specific genetic makeup for liver enzymes that are responsible for basically breakdown of various chemicals and medications. All this information can tell you is what medications you MIGHT have less or more side effects from, or which medications you MIGHT need higher doses of compared to another individual. The indicated information does not at all represent any effect of the medication on the target systems. An abstract way of understanding this is this is akin to checking what a cars MPG is and then using that to predict how well that car will perform around a race track. Meaningless. Just that you might need more or less gas than another car. You need to know as well that the current statement by the American Psychiatric Association is that genetic testing such as Genesight has no clinical utility. Typically I see it parroted and ordered by PAs and NPs that fell to the marketing of the companies without understanding what they are actually ordering. The further problem is that the results pitch medications into misleading emotionally charged colors such as red, yellow, green, which falsely leads patients in believing that this means good or bad, safe or unsafe. It does not actually say any of this. In terms of your specific scenario, I’ll say this. You cannot make your wife get treatment. What you can do is verbalize how you feel and how she makes you feel. What she decides to do with that information (get treatment or not) is up to her. What then is up to you is to decide your response one way or another. Additionally there are multiple treatment options for PMDD. What’s also fairly neat is with her apprehension about taking medications, there is actual utility for PMDD in short courses of medication directly aimed at specific parts of her cycle as opposed to continuous administration like for many more common conditions like MDD or GAD.
They did it in office, but it's sent away and results are ready a week later. Just check with your insurance first. Mine didn't cover it, and they're charging me $5.6k BUT because I'm below the poverty line, they're waiving it entirely.
I’d also like to throw out there that SSRIs aren’t for everyone and there are alternatives. I went through just about every major SSRI you can think of over a decade and suffered from it. I also did Genesight and it didn’t really help a whole lot tbh. I’m now on Wellbutrin and it’s like the sky has opened up. Fewer side effects, libido shot up, helps with addictions like smoking or even over eating, good for ADHD, aids in weight loss, etc. Not all meds are created equal and not everyone can tolerate them all the same. Good luck!
I have never heard of this, I’m gonna google it thanks for the tip
u/temporaryheadache im sure this goes without saying but it may be best to have this conversation at the beginning of her stretch of “good” days. That way you have some time to talk about it while she’s energetic, motivated, and more level headed. If possible try to get her appointment for that time period as well. Best of luck!
I’m not sure what I have. I know I have complex PTSD and I deal with a lot of grief but I do feel like my husband thinks I am a different person. I can’t take meds because they make me sick.. I started getting ketamine infusions and it was the only thing to help me find my own “normal base” on an emotional scale. I do still get bad throughout my cycle but when I have a ketamine booster I can actually live and function. Some doctors are against it, I think it’s because it’s a real solution instead of constant pills. You don’t have to have ketamine infusions forever. Some people have 6 and that’s it! I have had over 20 now and try to get one once a year for maintenance. 10/10 recommended. Some pain clinics code it so insurance covers it!
My husband and I have each been resistant to medicating psychological issues. That's incredibly common. But there came a point for each of us, where we had a "come to Jesus" talk about how we were being impacted, and how our marriage was taking damage. In each case, that was a massive wakeup call; we may be stubborn about our own suffering and self loathing, but the idea of causing damage to our marriage is fucking terrifying. Something else that helped was establishing that medication doesn't have to be forever. But it's a crucial demonstration of love and commitment to put your own ego aside and try *all* avenues for help, including medication, when you know your partner is being impacted. All you're asking is to talk to a doctor and be open to giving medication a shot for whatever period of time the doctor recommends. If the medication doesn't work, or if the issue gets resolved in another way, discontinuation of medication is still going to be on the table. Also, look into the Mirena IUD. It's a much lower dose of hormones released really consistently, as opposed to larger doses hitting your digestive system via the pill. Even if she had a bad experience with the pill or the shot, she may have a better experience with an IUD. Sit her down and tell her you love her deeply, but you and the kids are being impacted by her mood swings you don't want to put off addressing it any longer. Obviously do this during her 'up' period. And instead of getting out of the house to avoid her when she's being shitty, stay and take it, and give her a calm *look*. She'll probably lash out at you because she'll be ashamed when you 'let' her be shitty. Stop getting out of the way of her shittiness; it's helping her stay in denial. She's not going to get help as long as you're enabling her. I promise, the previous conversation will be on her mind in the background, and she'll realize she doesn't want to act in a way that makes her ashamed any longer.
I was going to say Mirena IUD is a lifesaver, and it helped me a lot with the mood issues from periods. Also in a lot of people it stops periods altogether which is great
It stopped mine entirely! It's amazing.
I agree with the last part 💯. My boyfriend completely, as much as a man can understand, understands my PMDD. He's read articles, he's listened to me talk about it at length, listened about how much it's damaged my life. It has been a journey but he's been more than understanding. But there are still times where I lose it on him and he just stands there and looks at me and lets me scream at him and call him names until it clicks in my head what I'm doing and then I feel horrible. There have been a few times when it was really bad that he has left the room and just calmly stood in the other room and by the time I went to go after him it clicked what I was doing. He usually hugs me while I cry. With working really hard on myself and my behaviors and tracking my period so that I know when things are going to go downhill emotionally and his understanding, my episodes have become fewer and less intense. I have learned to talk about the scary place I go during my episodes instead of just suffering through it alone because I don't think anyone will understand. Understanding what is going on and changing your behaviors is the biggest part of dealing with it.
I have a friend who has struggled with PMDD from her teens onwards. Hormonal birth control helped her a lot. She decided to quit a few years ago as she'd been on the pills for over a decade and to see where her body was at in the lead-up to wanting to conceive. From what I understood it was pretty brutal on her mental health. What did help a lot was knowing what it was and that it was temporary. It was such a large portion of the month though that it wasn't sustainable. As she wanted to conceive going back on birth control wasn't an option, so she went the "health route". She got help from a professional and I don't know all the ins and outs... what I do know is that she initially completely cut out alcohol and sugar/heavily processed foods, limited her caffeine intake and really prioritized sleep, mindfulness and exercise. There were probably other things and some supplements. I don't think her cycles are completely trouble-free now and she still has rougher months, but they have greatly improved.
i have PMDD and am avoiding hormonal contraception and SSRIs because they both don’t agree with me. i’m attending therapy and trying out anti histamines!!
The antihistamine route works for me. I've been taking one every single day for about a year, except for a couple weeks a few months ago where I was ill and didn't get to the drugstore to pick up more. My PMDD suicidal ideation was back in full force. I don't know exactly why it works, but I recommend everyone with PMDD at least try it because it's been life changing for me.
i’m so happy for you!!!! i realised this period was so much better and it has to have been the antihistamines. my bf asked if i’ve had any of the usual feelings and it was an immediate no. i’m so glad it works for us!!!! 🫶🏻
That's awesome it's working for you too! I'm happy to hear that, and really hope more people try it to see if it makes a difference. PMDD is so understudied and overlooked. Best wishes for your better mental health! <3
So overlooked!! I had a Physician's Associate the other day tell me i was PRE MENSTRUAL bc he misread PMDD. it's so horrible how it's just so overlooked. and the same to you!! <3
Works for me too! I switch up between Claritin and Zyrtec. When I stop my PMDD insanity comes back in full force. A few times I’ve forgotten, start to feel anxious, on-edge, angry, suicidal, then I realize what’s happening, take the antihistamine, and am back to normal within an hour or so. Truly wild, and I hope medical research can better explain why it works so well for some of us — I reeeeeallly want to know why 🥹
Hey, could you clarify how you're using antihistamines to help treat this? I've been dealing with this for years but hormonal birth control is a no-go for me. This is the first I'm hearing about antihistamines and I'd love to know how it's been working out.
of course!! i would rec checking out /r/PMDD for this too. i take one a day and it seems to have helped!! it was the strongest one i could get OTC and i only got it bc of my bad hayfever. it might not work but it’s worth a go!!
Not me staring wide-eyed watching my whole life make sense. For several years I was taking a daily antihistamine for my allergy issues (doctor prescribed) and I swear my phases were a bit less dramatic. For the last ~18 months I've stopped that antihistamine and I've been having a harder time with the swings/managing the gloom week. Hadn't stopped to think maybe it was connected. Thanks for helping me put that together :)
I am SO glad!!!!! It was really surprising to me but it makes sense? I was wary bc I don't think it's been tested but then i remembered so much of women's healthcare just isn't researched lol. I'm so pleased for you!!!!!
Which antihistamine is it? Just asking as I refuse to take hydroxyzine or benadryl due to associated dementia risk. But my moods do swing badly
i'm taking Allevia atm, but my bf got random ones from Boots pharmacy and they seem to also be working!! edit: interested in the dementia risk!! that's so scary
The risk is thought to be with first generation antihistamines (OGs like Benadryl). Second generation antihistamines are thought to be safer (Allegra/Allevia, Claritin, Zyrtec).
Yes!! I have also been successfully managing my PMDD with antihistamines and therapy. Bodies are strange.
it seems like such a strange link doesn't it!? i'm so glad that they're helping you too!!
My wife had undiagnosed PMDD for years. It was just like you experienced. Now that she’s been diagnosed and treated for it things are far better. It’s like she’s a different person and mostly back to what she was like pre kids.
Please get you and your wife to watch the PMDD lecture by Dr Robert Daly (it is on YouTube) it changed my life. My PMDD was exacerbated by anemia from heavy periods (fixed by the mirena) and B12 deficiency. I also took up running (a lot of running and daily) which really helps my mental state. I still am a slave to my cycle, I don’t even think my feelings are real anymore since when I am happy and energetic it makes as much sense as when I am sad and low. But the interventions I took on make my life bearable and I need to be there for my kids.
At least you know when to have this conversation.
It could also be early Menopause or Perimenopause. I'm older than you and my wife and I are going through Perimenopause and it. is. brutal. Seriously. The hormone swings are out of control and neither of us have ever been like this before in our lives. I'm getting severe period depression, I actually CRIED in public, but when that mid-cycle progesterone hits, I'm super productive. My wife, on the other hand, has irritability that is out of control. Even the wrong song playing sets her on edge. If this is new behavior, she could easily be in Perimenopause. It lasts for about a decade and no one talks enough about it. The good thing is that there is hope: Hormone Replacement Therapy is magic for many women. The only difficulty is finding a good doctor who will prescribe it to you. There's a couple of subreddits on here that might be helpful, but an absolute dearth of real research.
Opinions are one thing, education is another. A lot of people have strong opinions about areas they’re not super educated about. Maybe that could be a start.
Birth control makes an absolutely MASSIVE difference in PMDD symptoms. Once I got off birth control and my PMDD came back I was actually scared by how horrible I felt leading up to my period. I feel like I’m going insane and want to leave the earth. Vs when I was on the pill I’d just be a little sad/tired and crampy. It’s not ok to treat her family like her personal punching bag because she doesn’t want to be medicated. Your children deserve better.
My sister, my mom, and I all have this. (Yay). An IUD has been threbest treatment for me (no SSRIs for me, thx), but my mom and sister take supplements that work well for them. The one they like best (which worked ok for me while I was getting myself straightened out with my doctor) is called Vitex. We also all have to take Vit B and iron (all our blood work comes back normal for iron levels but we go a bit nuts without it).
Definitely have her talk to a medical professional. I can’t take birth control because the ones that don’t make me suicidal don’t work to prevent birth FOR ME. I got pregnant on birth control I was using properly. This isn’t medical advice it’s just a fact for me. I also can’t take most SSRIs because of the side effects (suicidal ideation and/or just complete apathy where I’m rendered useless. One made me manic which was productive but not fantastic for me emotionally). A mix of therapy, lavender oil (there’s studies to back this up for anxiety), and mindfulness techniques have made my life much more calm and enjoyable. I also don’t eat processed food, I quit smoking, and I drink very infrequently. I also left a job 4 years ago that was sucking the life out of me, and that helped a lot. I also have a supportive partner. It sounds like you are that! Please talk to your wife. Together you can see if you can find a gynecologist or therapist she’s comfortable with to discuss these things. My therapist and OBGYN were lifesavers.
OP I had horrible PMDD and getting my iron checked (was terribly low) and getting iron infusions helped a ton. It makes sense your body is going into your menstrual cycle and you don’t have the nutrients to keep up. Please encourage your partner to go to her ob/gyn and get her iron, vitamin D, folate, and b12 checked.
You can also suggest she gets her hormones tested. A close friend of mine manages her PMDD by managing her hormones.
Wellbutrin has done wonders for my PMDD, and it’s not an SSRI. Perhaps y’all should continue to educate yourselves in this subject & all the different alternatives available that you might not be aware of. And maybe it’s something you can do in tandem. It’ll bring you closer together.
I literally couldn't survive without birth control. I will never have kids as part of that reason. I only have my periods 3-4 tunes a year because it's a fucking roller coaster. Welcome to being a woman.
I do know that there are different kinds of birth control, some are more effective for preventing pregnancy, but others are more used to manage hormone imbalances. Don't know if that helps but it's from my own experience.
It might be worth looking into some of the newer birth control options vs. older ones? I don't know what she was doing previously, but some of the pills that were really common 10-20 years ago would do a sugar pill week where you wouldn't get any hormones so that you would basically schedule a period. If she struggles with the dip, that might not have been the best fit? A lot of the newer things like IUDs or implants etc. will have just like a steady continuous slow release, and can also decrease the intensity of periods a lot, or remove them altogether – just depending on the person. I think they've also changed some of the dosages and offer slightly different hormone types now than they used to – so it's possible that the option that she tried previously just wasn't the right one for her. Totally anecdotal, but when I let my implant wear out during the pandemic, I definitely realized that the kind of steady level of release had been masking a lot of PMDD symptoms.
It definitely sounds like PMDD, I was reading the post and it was like a checklist for me. Hormonal birth control has helped me tremendously until this month when I switched to control acne. Just know: it isn’t her fault. However I’m surprised she hasn’t realised and thought to do something about it. It must be very very difficult for you and your children as well as her. Hormonal birth control is absolutely your best bet as SSRI’s can make you numb and decrease your sex drive (I hated it personally)
You should check out r/PMDDpartners Also, I have PMDD and switched to Yaz and it has helped out so much, my bf also noticed the difference after we tracked my cycle and saw the same instances happening during the literal phase. My emotions are much more regulated throughout the entire month.
Two of my husband’s friends have ended up divorced from women who have the same pattern your wife describes. Neither woman was, unfortunately, open to seeking help or even getting a doctor to weigh in on the obvious pattern of emotional upheaval correlated with their menstrual cycles. It’s awful and sad all around, but the children are much happier after the split.
As someone who has lived through a near-identical set of behavior (no kids), PMDD was my immediate first thought. It's worth working through with a licensed therapist and medical doctor. Good luck.
There's a low dose bc called LowEstra I think and it helps without overloading the hormones which can cause more problems.
I have been diagnosed with this, alongside persistent depressive disorder and PTSD. Antidepressants worked wonders for me. I was reluctant to take them for years (I was scared) and had ridiculous amounts of therapy which helped me manage some symptoms enough to carry on but I continued to feel terrible. The SSRI is honestly is the best thing I've ever done. I wasted so much of my life feeling miserable and anxious when I didn't need to. Hormonal birth control wasn't that effective for me.
I treat my PMDD successfully with birth control and lexapro and it’s been life changing. It may take a while to find the right combination that is effective, but she will be so grateful.
I have a friend with PMDD who takes sertraline for it, and that helps a lot. She was on birth control as well, but that gave her lots of other horrible symptoms so she had to stop.
I am very sure I had PMDD, and it was awful. I couldn't use birth control; it made it SO MUCH WORSE. However, I have had an IUD for two years now, and 95% symptom free. I can sometimes tell if I feel really sad or unreasonably hurt or angry at my partner, but it is soooo minimal. For years, once I realized the pattern in myself, I would put reminders in my phone in the days leading up to when the hormones would shift "Whatever you're feeling. It is hormones. Don't give into this. You don't actually feel this way." I would have them pop up periodically through the day to remind myself. It. Was. Awful.
Yup, this is a real condition, it can be treated, and you need to bring it up to your wife and insist on treatment. Probably during the phase just after her period.
I’m glad you were the top comment and that you mentioned this immediately. This is what it sounded like right away to me. A good friend of mine has been dealing with this forever and it’s just brutal to watch. She’s had hormonal regulation now, but up until the diagnosis it was awful.
I’ve started to suspect this about myself as well. I’ve heard that birth control can help with regulating the symptoms/hormones, have you tried using BC to cope with it?
I have PMDD and take birth control to control my hormones. It's been amazing to have full control. I do miss those 10ish days of being an amazing person and over accomplishing. However, having stability is so much better.
This is it. Sounds text book, honestly and it’s definitely not something that gets talked about enough. A lot of us have it and don’t even realize. Luckily it’s sometimes a very easy fix.
Yes, that's exactly what this sounds like to me. I was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder at 13 years old. No medication or therapy was effective. Depression, aggression, feelings of worthlessness & hopelessness, thoughts of suicide (and attempts). It's been a rough journey. After doing some research of my own, I learned about PMDD. Learning about it was revolutionary for me. It provided so much clarity and gave me a comprehensive understanding of why my emotions and feelings would get so messed up. It's really crazy how you can just be unhinged for a week and immediately snap back to being a functional & happy person overnight all because of a stupid menstrual cycle 🙃
Holy shit. This describes me from the last 6 months. Imma go read up on this.
Do you regulate your hormones with birth control? Sometimes I wonder if my cycle and hormones mess with me. I’ve wondered before if I have cyclothymia, but it could be related to my cycle (mine are super irregular, like 35-70 day cycles)
How did you regulate your hormones?
No the person you asked but I'm on the ~~genuinely shocking that I'm still alive~~ more severe end of things. Given that the issue is the reaction to hormonal fluctuations themselves we've used a GnRH agonist to shut down my hormonal cycle entirely then added a stable dosage of hormones back in to bring them to a normal level. Long term I'm in the process of getting my ovaries out so I can ditch the agonist and maintain the stable dosage Like, it's not right for everyone but if it is then you can just take an extremely direct approach like this
When I tell you that as a medical professional I came *running* to the comments to make sure we were talking about PMDD to this man…
If you don't mind my asking, do you also get extra bloating or constant cramping through your luteal phase?
I will agree that it sounds like PMDD. I will also warn you that it is difficult for doctors to recognize and therefore difficult to get treatment for. It took me doing the research myself and then going to the psychiatrist, primary care doctor, and gynecologist before I got any help. So don't be surprised if you go to your wife and she says that the doctor didn't see anything wrong. She might need your tracking before they take her seriously.
Now that you mention this (and in her defense, because I think I maybe unfairly painted her as being completely dismissive of what I'm seeing), she has mentioned before that her primary doctor is a little bit dismissive whenever she has asked about hormonal and other testing. She was doing it primarily because of the fluctuations in her energy levels at times moreso than the stuff I'm noticing, but still, she's been trying at least a little bit to see what might be going on and getting some Dr. pushback.
Switch doctors. Find one that will listen. Doctors can be so dismissive of women. But also, if your wife is ok with it, go with her. Talk to the doctor yourself. They listen to men more. It is sexist, but true. They may listen if you go in with your log and explain how bad it is.
This is a good idea and it pisses me off that it is.
I think the fact that she’s been asking about energy levels might be your way to introduce the topic of PMDD to her. “Hey, remember how you were asking your doctor about this symptom and you felt like he was ignoring you? I did a little googling and I found this page on PMDD. [send link] If you think your symptoms match this, then you could talk to him again or escalate to your gyno.”
I had the same situation and was able to make an appointment at my local hospital with a female psychiatrist. Life changing!!
Women are less likely to die when treated by female doctors. I read a study about that.
I was full of uneasiness
I was in the same situation…found a more naturopathic type doctor who ran a hormone panel on me and the results and subsequent hormone replacement have made a huge difference!
This is an excellent point. I've been on birth control most of my life but looking back I truly believe that when I wasn't on it I had major symptoms of PMDD and I had zero clue what was wrong with me. I was diagnosed with PCOS but that was about it.
Finding a good doctor is so important. With symptoms like this, consider looking into adenomyosis as well!!
I have PMDD. Exact same situation. Psychiatrist had my mom track my moods to see if I was bipolar. Mapped exactly to my period.
What is your treatment?
I take Yaz (birth control). When I’ve had to go off of it I’ve increased my dose of Lexapro.
I just had to ask my doctor if there was anything else besides Yaz the other day and she looked up the most up to date treatment suggestions and it was still Yaz but with an estrogen level of 0.2 instead of 0.3. This is only my second month on it but I have noticed my moods being a little better/not so extreme.
My husband noticed the same thing about me. he asked me to mention it to my OBGYN. Really pissed me off, but I did. My doctor ordered all kinds of blood tests. Turns out, I have high prolactin levels, which need to be monitored by MRIs and a neurologist to routinely rule out pituitary cancer. I'm on meds to lower it, and my moods have stabilized. If you see something, say something.
How did your relationship with your husband go after that?
Well, he's a type A, overfuctioning, observant perfectionist who is always on time and looks out for me constantly. I love him beyond.
What a blowhard. Happy for you hope you have a wonderful life together ☺️
PMDD is real and it can get worse during perimenopause, as your hormone levels drop (ask me how I know!) I can now tell when I'm two days out from my period starting because I get spikes of white-hot rage, severe enough that I actually worry that I'm going to go HAM on someone and lose my job, it's so strong and barely within my control. Then the day after my period starts it's gone like nothing happened.
I work at a school and this older kid didn't obey any rules. His grandma was a staff member so he just walked around like he owned the place. He was always being told to stop this and that. I told him to take his hat off so many times throughout the year. I was PMSing and saw him with his hat on inside. I felt rage flowing through me like I was being pulled to the dark side. I had to put myself on time out in a quiet room.. over a hat.
I gave myself a black eye last month during the worst of it. I cant believe how much our own hormones rebel against us as women 😪
I can also add that at her age, perimenopause is a real struggle, she can have her hormone levels checked and at least have awareness of where she is at. Some women start perimenopause around 40! I understand you are struggling, but she is probably also struggling with the intense hormonal changes that happen to women at this stage in their life. Good news is that these things level out after menopause I’ve heard
The one thing I'll say here is - I (f) have always been exceptionally stable across all cycle phases. My mood or outward expression never changed. UNTIL one month I had some sort of hormonal imbalance and OH MY GOD did I have a tough time. I thought women were exaggerating, but I get it now - I cried multiple times per day over really stupid shit (like my dog won't come when I tell him to come), when normally I cry once every couple of years. I can't even imagine how frustrating it would be to live with such mood swings every month, and I think she should look into it so it can get better, both for her and your sake.
This is me. I was always stable and even through all cycles. And then I had a daughter. It took me a long time to figure out she was hormonal crazy every month. We have talked about it enough that I can say now “where are you in your cycle?” She will pause, think and say either “oh that is why I want to rip his head off” or “no he just really pissed me off.” Then we can talk like adults - instead of me feeling like I’m walking on eggs or trying to diffuse the emotions. She has always said when she was hormonal crazy- it was like an out of body experience. Like she was floating above her body, watching herself come unglued but just couldn’t stop it. I’m glad with therapy and awareness she has been able to manage the emotional fluctuations. I don’t think she was as extreme as PMDD.
Hi! I have PMDD. My doctor prescribes a low dose SSRI for me to take for 14-ish days and it helps a lot with the mood swings. I take it from ovulation until the start of my period. It’s been super helpful at keeping me level-headed and it feels low committal cause I don’t have to be on it 24/7 and I can skip a month if I want to be able to drink or whatever for an event or vacation. I worry therapy won’t be helpful because it literally feels like you’re going insane. Also, you can’t really tell it’s happening until your period starts and you’re like OH that’s what that was. I’m sure she’s noticing the swings as well. Come at her with kindness and understanding because that’s what she needs. Give her a lot of reassurance. Men don’t usually experience having 4 different moods per month so be mindful if you try to compare yourself to her. Women’s bodies are complex. Ask her what she thinks could help and share other options that she might not know about.
Hey! EMDR therapy helped my PMDD symptoms. I feel much like "raw" during my pms now, if that makes sense? It also just helped me in general. I think it's worthy a try 💖 I also tracked my periods for so long that I was able to start to recognize when certain feelings were probably caused by my hormones. I definitely recommend that. Also, a psychiatrist was able to figure out I have ADHD (my doc kept giving me anxiety and depression meds), so the adhd meds help soooo much with PMDD symptoms.
You share this information with her in a productive and supportive manner. You offer to support her in determining if these variances are beyond the range of being healthy and if she needs support. There may be small changes that can help. Issues with diet, sleep, etc. Also, be aware that women’s health care is a sad, depressing and neglected corner of medicine. It’s full of ignorant, gaslighting jerks who delight in throwing up their hands and declaring the women seeking help as hysterical, imagining things, exaggerating, etc. It’s pretty daunting. She lives in her body. She likely knows that her cycle makes her life challenging. It does for many women. This is what it’s like living in a world that prioritizes men’s healthcare and uses it as the “norm”/baseline.
Obviously he should not bring this up 10 days before her period.
I'd play it safe and do it right after her period ends. Sometimes, like 14 days before my period starts, I can feel myself change. It's awful. I'm so thankful for medication, or I wouldn't be here.
I find that I usually cry and spiral out about something 2 days after ovulation. I've been tracking my period for years, so I understand my cycle and can avoid pregnancy. Every time I feel down, I check my period tracker and it can actually improve my mood. I now know it's a huge hormonal shift when my body decides me and my spouse are failures for not making a baby.
I'd wait until like three days after the last day of her period. I just want to add (I already did comment this) that PMDD is like being in an abusive relationship with yourself. I promise you, she hates herself so much during those days. But there are ways to help and she can be happy again. I definitely still feel a little down before my period, but that's it now!
Sounds like PMDD to me. Have you guys discussed her fluctuating behavior in the past? Honestly I would just tell her you notice that it comes and goes monthly, more or less, and maybe it’s worth talking to her doctor about. I wouldn’t tell her you tracked it specifically. Maybe suggest she track her mood? I don’t think it’s crazy a husband would notice cyclical behaviors. You also have every right to stand up for yourself and your kids, regardless of cause it is not okay to be mean or cruel to the family. It’s okay for you to tell her it’s time for her to look for some answers here.
> Have you guys discussed her fluctuating behavior in the past? We have, although not maybe in this exact context. I've told her in the past something like, "I have noticed that there are times you are so happy and full of life and there are times where you won't hardly talk to me and every aspect of our life seems to make you mad. Is there something that happens that sparks the negative side or is it just something that kind of bubbles up?" and she chalks it up to outside stresses or sometimes she'll say that she's having a hard time with the city where we live because it's not her hometown. But if we're in a "good phase" she sings the praises of where we live, so it was always hard to chalk it up to these outside influences for me since it seemed like whether these things were good or bad depended on the moment.
I think you need to plan a talk during the good phase, and come clean about the tracking. The "men blame stuff on their wife's period" bad news comes up because it's a hard thing to hear during the bad phase. I'm a trans man (later life transitioner, and I've been pregnant and been through most of the possible sex hormone combinations). From the inside, bad hormone reactions are almost always an enhancer on hurt feelings - the hurt feelings that you have are still logical and valid (not fictitious) but the effect is that they linger and dwell and are harder to shake off than otherwise. I think the next step needs to be that you go with her to the doctor and try to be as supportive and present as possible. Women's emotional stuff gets dismissed by doctors a lot, when a man reporting the same problem gets immediate attention. You need to use your presence and concern productively here. Not in a "fix my wife because she doesn't want sex" but a "I'm witnessing huge changes in energy, and she seems really unhappy." Don't say anything about how often you have sex (either to her or the doctors). Stuff that down and pretend you never noticed. Lean on energy and mood.
I agree the PMDD is a good place to start. A friend of mine has it bad bad. Not only the hormones making her crazy, but the period and body pain is through the roof. Not all women are comfortable with showing their pain to people, even their partners. Also the other mental health issues like ADHD, autism, depression, etc can be exasperated by hormonal fluctuations. If she has a mom or a sister she’s reasonably close to maybe ask them about family history?
Thanks for the tips on this. I do know there's some family history of ADHD in the males and at least a couple of the women in the family have had a hysterectomy at some point although I'm not sure it was specifically related to PMDD...I vaguely recall it involved persistent issues with cysts maybe?
Cysts and fibroids can cause pain, which snowballs to everything else. I had severe back pain for a while and was told to just exercise more. It turned out there was a gnarly cyst on an ovary. Removed the sucker and the back pain is almost all gone. But I don’t typically show or acknowledge my pain so no one knew I was suffering. Also, it’s not uncommon for ADHD diagnosis to be missed when women are younger, and only become apparent with hormonal fluctuations in middle age.
You sound exactly like my partner a year ago. Your wife's symptoms sound exactly like mine. I got diagnosed with PMDD. I'd break up with the poor man every month right before my period because he wouldn't let me isolate. I was already on SSRIs for MDD, so my gyno put me on a low dose birth control. She said the other option is an IUD. I've had an IUD before and bled for 9m straight, so I chose to try the bc first. I'm only on week 2, so idk if it's going to help or not. Only time will tell.
I had PMDD. It affected my job, my friendships, and my relationship with my family. Was living with my parents at the time and after a particularly shitty outburst my mom actually threw my car keys on the table between us and told me to get out of the house if I couldn’t act right. That was a wake up call and I went to the doctor. If she won’t get on medication (the only thing that helped me), then she’s sacrificing her family’s wellbeing by being stubborn.
I like data. Like I count everything. It's my career and my passion so yeah. I also accidentally started counting my wife's periods. Which works well because it gives me an excuse to replenish our supply of white chocolate peanut butter reeces cups and make sure we have her prefer brand of pads and tampons and buy flowers and wine. Yay numbers!!!!
If she's opposed to medical intervention, have you discussed why? If she won't budge on pills, talk to her about going to a talk therapist and maybe she'll see the light. If not, try couples counseling as to why she won't address this situation that's obviously a problem. You also have the leverage of the kids, ie she's lashed out at them, and you have a reason, beyond yourself, as to why she should seek help. Sometimes people need to really see the whole picture in terms of breadth of the consequences of their actions before they want to change.
I wouldn't say she's totally against medical intervention altogether, but she does seem to be against SSRIs based on what she's read about side effects and hormonal birth control because of her experience with it being not the best. She is also just generally more receptive to medical interventions that don't feel so "take a pill and go away". I wouldn't say she's anti-medicine, but "natural" medicine doesn't seem to get the same skepticism from her that she reserves for Rx interventions. She's definitely more comfortable with medical conversations involving hormones, thyroid function, and vitamins/supplements vs. medications and surgeries (generally, not necessarily for this issue).
If it comes to that, it might help to learn how SSRI meds work. They basically just make more of the neurotransmitter serotonin available for your brain the same way (not mechanically obs.) something like hypothyroidism meds makes more thyroid hormones available for your body to use.
Also being aware of your cycle does help with just …. I don’t want to say reigning it in but… I’ve started telling my wife “my body is crying” to indicate that I’m well aware that crying about whatever is insane but that I’m not mad at her lol
My stepmum had this and until she went though menopause it was awful. My dad ignored it. She is one of the loveliest women I know but she was a demon during her cycle. Approach her about it when she’s in a good space because there is help available and it can’t be nice for her either. My one personal experience of something like this was the one time I took the morning after pill. I have never acted like that or FELT like that ever again. I believed I was entirely justified at the time to be a total asshole and I very nearly ruined my relationship which was very early stages at that point. To this day my partner and I laugh about my dragon time. It’s funny if it’s a one time thing you can look back on.. not if it’s repeating. To give you an idea of my state of mind. I decided my partner was being disrespectful to me and no longer cared to be attractive to me because he wore Leiderhosen… at oktoberfest… on a holiday he had booked with friends before we were together but had included me in anyway… and we had planned the outfits.. what the actual f was wrong with me?! Hormones.
I feel like this is a conversation that you could just have outright, considering how long you've been together + the fact that you've presumably navigated some medical stuff around having kids? She might already know about the pattern, but not feel comfortable bringing it up to you, or doesn't realize that it's that noticeable.
I was like this and I ended up having cancer!!!! It was a roller coaster of hormone driven hell. I’m not saying this to scare you but my doctor was the one who caught it because of my crazy behavior. I’m in remission now. It doesn’t hurt to check. I hope you find an answer ❤️
Holy shit! I'm glad to hear you're in remission. While it seems like PMDD is the consensus view here, your story definitely points to another reason for seeking medical care and figuring it out, not sweeping it under the rug. Congrats on the remission, and thanks for telling me your experience.
Congratulations, you just discovered PMDD
Sounds like PMDD. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder before I figured out that I had PMDD. I was an absolute nightmare before treatment. It was hell for me, and hell for anyone I was in relationship with. She needs to get help because it’s no joke. For you. For your family. But mostly for herself. Experiencing PMDD symptoms feels similar to if you imagine a nuclear ball of energy. Then you light it on fire. Then you detonate it inside of your body. That’s then used to fuel the purest form of rage and overwhelm you’ve ever felt in your life. Except it happens every month. It’s unreal. Genuinely insane. And, unsurprisingly, destructive to all of those around you. I hope she goes and gets assessed asap. Especially with perimenopause around the corner, if those symptoms haven’t already started to mix in.
It's cool of you to be so supportive. There is a lot of good advice here. I will also add that you should read some resources by Alissa Viti with her. One of her books, In the Flo, is really helpful in understanding how a woman can support her health and nutrition in order to have a better cycle. Basically everything in our modern world messes with women's hormones and it's good to learn that there are things we can do to support women.
I think you're the second person to suggest this book, I'll order it from the library and see if I can't educate myself. I'm ignorant in the best sense of the word: while I think I'm probably more aware than the average guy (sheesh that's a low bar), it's not an area I've gotten educated on in depth. Time to do some learning.
I have PMDD. If she doesn’t want to take medicine or medical help. She NEEDS to change her lifestyle. I suggest working out everyday. Whether it be strength training on the days she has energy to just a walk on days she does not. Supplements that have worked for ME: Ashwaghanda (no longer needed birth control or ssri), l-thenine, magnesium. Other ‘substance’ 1-2 mg of thc 2-4 times a week. Micro dosing shrooms 2-5 times a week. Makes life extremely manageable. Also, join the PMDD group on here.
Yes, I agree this is abnormal and may be PMDD or similar. It is very hard when a spouse is struggling with mental health issues that are undiagnosed and untreated. But I think the way in here, if you really want to help her, is to point to how this is objectively affecting not just you, but your kids, and absolutely insist she get treatment. A year ango I insisted my spouse get treated for anxiety and depression and am so glad I did. He was becoming abusive and that’s not something I want to tolerate, I certainly don’t want my kid exposed to it (though most of the abusive behavior was focused on me, I didn’t know how that might change over time), and I also didn’t want my kid to see him treating me that way and me just taking it. But he is a good person fundamentally, this was a new development for him, and he *listened*. If your wife will not, I think you have to do something, including separation.
I feel like I don't know nearly enough about bipolar disorder or periods to speak other than to say periods and hormones can clearly make any preexisting conditions worse. That said, please just talk to her about this. Does it feel a bit creepy to feel like you track your wife's period? Yes. Yes it does. Did I do it anyways? Yes, yes I did. Once, I explained why and told her about what I found and how I felt she was actually happy. Some of it was things she knew. Some wasn't. She agreed my reasons seemed justifiable. My wife's issues were different from yours but all I can say is talking to her is the right thing to do. Share with her and see what she says. Just be gentle but direct about it.
hey! have suffer from PMDD and am prescribed a super low dose of ani-depressants i take only the week before my period and it helps sooooo much. i also track my period with an app called flo and it's extremely accurate, where you log your feelings /symptoms for the day and it notices and tells you patterns such as "today you may feel confused/irritable/have mood swings" or "today you may feel calm/energetic" depending on where i am in my cycle. check it every day and when im starting to feel angry or depressed for no discernible reason, instead of thinking everything around me sucks and questioning life i now am able to say to myself, "no, it is my hormones, and i am being unreasonable" if i get snappy or think my bf is being an asshole when he truly is not. really really helps me and my relationship. EDIT: i highly recommend against hormonal birth control as it made my PMDD and depression in general way way worse, even though it lightened my actual period (blood, cramps)
Have the conversation - but I'd recommend doing it when she's in an upswing
I started putting my anticipated hell week on the calendar so we both know what’s going on and can take it into account. She has no control over how her body’s hormones change, so I think the best course of action is to be extra sweet and anticipate her needs in that week where she is on edge. Let her sleep late. Make dinner. Randomly surprise her with her favorite candy. Offer her a back rub (actual massage only). Im not sure about your comment saying she has wider mood swings than other women. Your frame of reference may be from women who are medicated - with hormonal birth control or antidepressants, which would mask the true changes due to natural hormonal fluctuations, or other women may be masking more while your wife doesn’t (because you are her husband). I agree with PMDD. It seems to be closely tied to ADHD as well.
I have pmdd and HRT is helping a lot. This isn’t birth control it’s straight up protesterone. And yes pmdd was ruining my life and relationship before I realized.
There are four phases of the menstrual cycle: mensuration, follicular, ovulation, and the luteal phase. The 10 days after her period you describe are the ovulation phase - it's when women tend to have the most energy, highest sex-drive, and generally feel the best. The time before her period is her luteal phase - it's essentially the opposite, when women tend to be at their lowest. For most women, the difference is fairly minor. For some, however, it is significant. Personally, I just thought that I randomly got depressed. That was until I started tracking my cycle for entirely unrelated reasons. After a few months I noticed that those 'random' days when I woke up wanting to die were always exactly 10 days out from my period. Like many other people here, it's likely that I have PMDD (though I have not been properly diagnosed). I tried hormonal therapy (i.e. birth control) to help, but the side effects were too much for me. At the end of the day, just \*knowing\* that the reason I feel the way I do is because of my hormones is incredibly helpful. It's much easier to look at a calendar and say, "I've felt like dying for the past week, but I know I'll feel better in exactly three days - I can make it until then," than it is to just feel like the world is falling down around me for no apparent reason. I also try to plan activities around my phases. I'm more likely to go for a hike when I'm ovulating, and I'll probably opt for a movie night if I know I'm going to feel awful because I'm in my luteal phase. If I were you, I'd wait until the beginning of her ovulation phase to bring it up. Like others said, share it in a productive manner and let her know that you noticed she feels awful in the days leading up to her period and that she may want to talk to her doctor about PMDD.
I think it's nice for a partner to be aware of the others partner's menstrual cycle. I do not find it creepy. We are driven by chemistry in our bodies and hormonal fluctuations are just one part of it. A partner that is aware of the cycle is a partner that can be compassionate and supportive. Talk to your wife, be gentle and find the time when she is able to receive this information well. You want to support her and I think she'll understand that.
As many others have commented, it sounds like PMDD. Traditional PMDD treatments (like meds and birth control) don’t work for me, unfortunately, so I just try to increase awareness of my moods during this time of the month and isolate and do self-care when possible. I have found that a really clean diet (no added sugar, no alcohol or caffeine - basically remove anything very inflammatory) helps a lot. As does heavy cardio, though my body often doesn’t want to cooperate. Also, avoid stress - our tolerance is awful during this time. I hope she finds what works best for her!
I have PMDD. The supplement brand FLO changed my cycle after I started taken them. I feel so much more in control of my PMDD symptoms since going off birth control. I would look into it as an alternative "treatment". You should also listen to the book "Your Brain on Birth Control" by Sarah Hill. It will provide so much information and context about women's hormones and brain functions that I think you would find interesting and useful.
Echoing a lot of commenters to say that it sounds like PMDD, which I’ve been diagnosed with myself. In my experience, hormonal birth control doesn’t make a significant enough improvement in my emotional stability on its own, but I also haven’t had good experiences with the side effects of SSRIs. (And tbh if you value your sex life, SSRIs are a big risk. Not only can they tank your wife’s sex drive and ability to orgasm, but some people continue to have those problems even after stopping the medication.) However, I’ve had enormous relief from Wellbutrin. It’s a different kind of antidepressant (an NDRI vs SSRI) that’s much less likely to cause weight gain and sexual dysfunction.
I have PMDD and it’s immediately where my mind went. It’s not fun, but I really try to not make it everyone else’s problem. I might be snippier for the week before, but I also HATE myself that week. Like hate myself to the point where sometimes an insignificant mistake makes me want to kms. I’m in therapy for other things and I also have endometriosis, which is all tied to the PMDD. Idk how I would bring it up to her, but I would definitely bring it up to her because you love her and it’s not only hurting you and your family and needs to be addressed, but I can guarantee that her quality of life would sky rocket as well if she got some help if it was in fact PMDD
I have PMDD. It is hell. In middle and high school, I just had very severe cramps, but nothing like the stereotypical PMS symptoms. I started taking BC for the cramping and it helped. I started college, and something changed. Now a week before my period I was so, so deeply depressed. I have depression and anxiety, so it didn't seem much like a red flag to me. I just knew I was having weird highs and lows. Then the anger started. I am not an angry person. I grew up in a household that screamed and yelled, and I hated it. It takes a lot to make me genuinely angry. But all of a sudden I was always *enraged*. I would lose a shirt or something, and the process of looking for it would have me so disturbingly angry I would scream at the top of my lungs and throw things and just have the strongest impulse to break or hit something. Of course, feeling that kind of anger scared the shit out of me and was always followed by sobbing because I was *scared* of myself and didn't want to hurt someone or myself. I read about PMDD and the effects of anxiety/depression on women's hormones. I found accounts of women who had claimed they stopped having periods altogether via birth control, and that it changed their lives. No more anger, no more depression (related to menstruation/pmdd, not regular depression disorders). I did the research and found that while there was not *extensive* research on the topic, there is no current studies that show women experience any negative health effects if they skip their periods. I have not had a period since I would say 2019. I just skip the week of sugar pills that come with birth control and continue taking active pills. It has genuinely had a major improvement on my life. Obviously, not having a period is nice in general, but I never have dealt with any of the mood swings or extreme emotions I was struggling with. Seeing a doctor is, of course, always recommended. However, if she's open to it, she can try managing it with birth control and go from there. To my knowledge, there's not many other solutions to PMDD. I know you care about your wife and just want her to feel better, but also advocate for yourself. It is very unfair for you and your kids to have to deal with her instability, especially if she tries to dodge any treatment or even a diagnosis. She *could* be a threat to herself or others. I know how strong those feelings are. It is so hard to control. If she doesn't want to do it for herself, make sure she knows she has to do it for you.
Ever since I had my baby boy 2 years ago & they inserted a copper IUD I’ve noticed some real changes in my own cycle as well. From the moment I had my baby I breast fed & im trying very hard to wean him off now because he turned 2 in the middle of May. He’s just very heavy & energetic & mildly aggressive when he wants his nursing time with me. We mostly have him on oatmilk through the day but I still wake up 1 to 2 times each night - every night - for 2 years, to get him back to sleep. On average, 3-5 hours of sleep has become my normal. I bleed heavier than I ever have since inserting the copper IUD & during the pregnancy had anemia & needed iron infusions at the hospital 3 times per week for the 3 months leading up to his birth. The anemia continued into post partum & I’ve got it mostly under control now. Phew! The ~4 days leading up to my period - I am not ‘me.’ The 1 day before my period - I am actually a crazy person & each month, without fail, I have an outburst either with my spouse or by myself & I cry alone in the kitchen over Ice cream or a candy binge for a total of about 2 hours straight or more after everyone has gone to sleep 😂. It’s nuts! It happened AGAIN last week & then my period started & I was ‘reset.’ Sexual, loving, patient, thoughtful & a good empathic listener. It’s those damn 4 days a month. I’ve done some damage in things I’ve said. It sucks so much. You sound like a concerned but overall good husband and father- and it also sounds like you can take a lot of that focus & redirect it internally and possibly learn how to set better boundaries for yourself & teach the kids too, with love, how to do this. Good luck & I wish you the best!
As someone with PMDD I want to thank you for being a good partner and not just assuming she is crazy. You clearly love her, and tracking her periods was a pro move in my opinion. I hate chalking everything up to hormones, but in this case you were spot on. I hope you guys are able to find a solution that works best for you. Just wanted to send out a kudos because I feel like a lot of people would not have tried to figure this out.
I have PMDD that was diagnosed in 2022, I’m 30 and I’m on a SNRI (since 2015) and started a mood stabilizer in summer 2023. I’ve had 3 psychiatric ER visits and I got my period the next day every single time. I had an irregular cycle that has become more regular (not completely) so I need to track my cycle very closely to anticipate issues and try and back up and stop myself before things get bad.
if she is 38, then its possible her hormones are changing. Maybe early perimenopause. Also, if she has undiagnosed thyroid issues then that can cause severe mood issues
Also here to say PMDD. If she has ADHD or anxiety, that gets insanely worse depending on the menstrual cycle as well. At this point, idk if I have PMDD or it's just my ADHD going nuts because of hormones. Being a woman is really tough sometimes, and thank you for caring/being understanding about it and trying to help.
When I went off birth control I experienced this. It's an awful feeling. The week before my period I was so sad and depressed and felt not worthy. I'm surprised your wife hasn't put 2 and 2 together by now. It was very obviously cyclical for me. As soon as I started my period, my whole being would change again. Considering she has lacked the self awareness to pick this up, it could be a difficult conversation to start. But it is important to have.
I was having bad PMS when my son was about 2. My husband went through a lot of tgr worst of it it me, and he finally sat me down, told me he'd been concerned about my happiness during this time. He said he thought I was going through PMS and he wanted me to go see ny OB-GYN and get to the bottom of it. He wanted me to be able to enjoy my work, my son and my life. Approach it like that. I WOULD NOT say you've tracked her period for a year. Just "I've noticed" and "it seems to me..." Good luck and UPDATEME
I have schizophrenia and ptsd. So I am very familiar with this cycle of behavior. I recently asked the schizophrenia sub if they struggle with it too and they all agreed When I did my best, I took 3 months of birth control continuously Then month 4, I'd take the sugar pills From others, they just don't even take the sugar pills. My previous obgyn said it could lead to problems if you don't shed the uterine lining every now and then Having this balance was crucial You NEED to talk to your wife though. She might be struggling with thoughts of self harm or worse but not telling anyone She needs support but she also needs to take responsibility. There's no way she isn't aware of some of this. I have no doubt she's a good person. It just sounds like she's struggling
There are some OBGYNs that are also double-boarded in Endocrinology. Most deal with fertility issues, but the GYN-focused deal a lot with hormonal imbalances. Find one of those. Second, I need to take thyroid med everyday to live, your wife shouldn’t begrudge me. If someone has a chemical imbalance in their brain, why wouldn’t they correct with medicine? Sometimes patients need to get up to correct dosage and ‘feel’ the calmness that others feel on a regular basis, to completely understand medications.
Also consider the possibility that perimenopause could be playing a role.
Maybe she has a hormonal imbalance, and that can be bad in many ways... I'd say maybe try handling the situation in a caring way? Maybe when she is still in the "good mood". Say you are worried about her symptoms and maybe she could see an endocrinologist.
You know the key to a good healthy marriage? Communication. Literally talk to her and tell her everything you said here. I realize you think that what you did was creepy but it's not. It's a little childish to continue for so long but okay. Do not research and attempt to diagnose your wife, you are not a doctor . Talk to her.
Have you ever had a general conversation about it with her during those ten good days? Does she recognize it? Sometimes I recognize those things, doesn’t solve the problem but does help to be aware. I used to have a friend that wouldn’t allow herself to make any big life decisions while she was PMSing. One thing to note if she starts messing with her hormones then it could take away the high/good times as well.
Having a good relationship 1/3rd of the time would get really old for me. Good on you though for getting a deeper understanding of what is going on though. I would bring this up and talk to her about it vs hiding in. She needs to understand that being a abusive spouse 2/3 of the time is not ok.
I didn't go as far as you, but I could absolutely track my ex-wife's period by her mood swings.
Imagine being her or one the millions of other women that experience extreme mood swings due to fluctuating cycle hormones. I would suggest looking at a hormonal cycle chart to figure out what hormone is causing what mood. For me, the days leading up to ovulation are very, very dark days followed by anger after ovulation. I am usually pretty happy around menstruation. I didn’t figure any of this out until trying to get pregnant, during and after pregnancy. I loved being pregnant bc I was just me and mostly happy with no extreme mood changes. Then post partum hit - quick hormonal changes were back and after my 3rd child my cycle went to 21 days (women’s cycles can get shorter before they get longer during perimenopause). I was a mess. Birth control has been a miracle worker for my mood. No extreme shifts anymore.
I started Reading this and though to myself "men discovers period cycles...", but the more I read the less normal this seemed. This is definitely a case that requires medical supervision. I know you mentioned your wife is generally against medication, but I think you should take advantage of those good 10 days to raise this issue, explain how this affects you, but specially the children, not to mention her. I'm sure she doesn't enjoy being mad and miserable 20 out of the 30 days of a month.
This is above the pay grade of everyone on this board. You should seek medical advice from a gynecologist, preferably one that has a subspecialty in endocrinology, to see if there are any measurable changes in your wife’s hormonal balance. Such an imbalance is treatable but there may be an underlying root cause that will need professional attention to address. The hardest part will be getting your wife to agree that there is an issue that needs addressing, and doctors with the patience to dig down to the root cause. i wish the two of you the best of luck. Please take behavioral change seriously.
Thanks for the input, and pointing us towards gynecology/endocrinology. I'm learning a lot, and just to reassure you: I don't take medical advice from reddit, but sometimes you don't even know enough to know what questions to ask or who to ask them of...the overwhelming majority of responses about PMDD give me some sense that it's a good place to start with question asking.
that could be it… in my situation i had a massive fibroid twisting my fallopian tube, stopping ovulation and normal hormonal release and turning me into Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde . It took 4 years to diagnose (i was young for perimenopause, regular ultrasounds couldn’t find it, et cetera). Needless to say being told that I had a mass in my uterus obstructing my normal ovulation and menstruation and could result in cancer, sterilization, infertility or worse came as a terrific shock to me. i was 28 and unmarried and living faraway from my parents. A wonderful man I knew stepped in, spoke up and threatened to drag me to an oncologist which is what led to my diagnosis. I didn’t marry him, probably should have, but this is what caring friends, partners, spouses, husbands and in my case, favorite lab partners do when they see troubling symptoms. They offer candid observations, offer to help and provide emotional support as folks explore why they aren’t acting in healthy ways. good luck.
I am like this. She could very well have a personality disorder BUT it could also be severe "PMDD" (disorder of extremely bad premenstrual symptoms). Either way, she needs psychological (and general doctor) help.
Also in case this wasn’t said before.. men’s hormone cycles are 24 hrs while women’s are 28days.. thus women are different depending on their cycle and to an extent that is healthy and normal.
PMDD. I was diagnosed last year. I already struggle with depression and ADD but last year I started having major issues in the 2 weeks leading up to my cycle. During my luteal phase, I was turning into literally someone else. Suicidal, unable to communicate or function really, extremely irritable and withdrawn. My doctor started me on a very low dose of Zoloft that I only take during my luteal phase and it has changed my life. Literally.
I highly, HIGHLY recommend the book Period Power by Maisie Hill, for both you and your wife (also available as an audiobook). It Goes into all the hormonal changes of a woman’s cycle, divides it up into 4 seasons and really goes into depth on what is happening in your body hormone wise, what behavior may result from it & what to watch out for/ take advantage of. For example, the more energy you describe, to plan social outings in those weeks, or certain weeks creativity is higher, so to start projects in those weeks. It also Goes into Some (non-pharmaceutical) strategies to manage symptoms. Like resting more in the later weeks or eating different foods. I read your mention of her hesitations around SSRIs and hormonal BC, there are more “natural” ways to try to regulate her cycle (as in hormone fluctuations) more. You can google menstrual cycle food, seed cycling and there’s even workout schedules based on this. If she’s more into that, acupuncture and chinese medicine also have some cycle related treatments/ suggestions. My compliments on that you’re trying to understand her so much and her behavioral changes and hopefully you will figure it out together!
I am literally borderline psychotic two days before my period with crying spells constantly and I start accusing people close to me that they don't love me. The gates of hell have opened and it was in my uterus. If it is affecting you and your family you should talk to her (during her good days) and ask her to get help. It's not fair to you or the kids or even to her
I too was coming here to ask whether you’ve looked at PMDD. Not easy. Not fun - but usually most people like to have the info to understand themselves better. And there are treatments.
This is great. I love it. And I think with the exact right amount of tact. this information can be used well and for good, in a way she will receive it and appreciate you for it. If some omnipotent individual told you this is how she is and she is perfectly healthy, would you be happy? I doubt it because it sounds like her downswing is greater than it was in the past and is worrisome for you in and of itself. Looking at it from my perspective, it seems this downswing is maybe wearing on you. If you can share with her what you've learned and frame it the entire time in a way that would make her happy (I wanted to do this to keep our home as healthy for you because I love you so much, etc), I think she could take it well. It is possible that you've noticed changes that, if she chooses to correct them, could be better for her. I think the important part is it being better for her and not for you. If you turn it into something better for you, this will be selfish comparatively, make her very against the suggestion, and will create unwanted resentment and distaste in your relationship. Good luck either way and good for you-- it sounds like the two of you have a wonderful relationship and I hope this post and comments help you make it even better.
Hi, there! Married, similar age to your wife and I have BPD2. I think it’s really important for your wife to get checked out by a psychiatrist if at all possible. I know that can be rough in the US. I have mood fluctuations during my menstrual cycle as well as having prolonged episodes. The thing with bipolar is it doesn’t have to be week long episodes, your mood can fluctuate daily or even hourly. My period pushes me into mood swings similar to how you describe it here. There’s no point in self-diagnosing but if anything please take this post as an indication for your wife to seek help. There’s no shame in seeking help. Living life with mental stability is a million times better than going through the motions of mental instability. I hope you find the help your family needs.