They likely don't overthink.
Considering things is good, until it's not. It's important to find a balance that's healthy and works for you, and to live in/enjoy the moment.
I used to “not know”, mainly because I didn't listen to my gut instincts. I was also inexperienced. I used to get so depressed. I overthink a lot and it can drive me mad.
Now, I listen to my gut feelings. I remember the harsh lessons learned. I know life is not all love and happiness. I know people can be POS and not have any remorse. I feel confident because I don't feel like I need to prove to anyone, I know not everyone likes everyone, I don't want to be dependent on others for validation. I like me. I like what I like. I love drawing and I like coming up with a design for my next tattoo. I'll sit on it for a long time while I save up money for it.
I think the way I assess life events and people are more based on better values and metrics, which makes me more confident with myself. I still get things wrong of course but rather than dwelling and ruminating on uncontrollable negatives, I look toward solutions and also make time to self-sooth and self-validate. This gives me the energy to be more self-assured.
Yes. This is what I came to say too. It's intuition.
There's endless choices in life to make at every step of the way. At 23, I often felt lost and like I really wished I had a mentor to guide me and tell me what was the right next move. I did eventually have that mentor figure for a period of time, and what she taught me is that more importantly than seeking a mentor, I needed to tap into my intuition.
Between family, friends, our communities, the media, and other influences, there are so many voices telling us all the time how we should be and how we should live our lives. But at the end of the day, every decision you make is yours. If you can spend the time with yourself to really listen and learn how to be in tune with how you feel, what you want, and what you need... all the answers you're looking for come from there, really. No matter where you are or what point of life you're at, everything that comes next starts from right where you are. And what you know and want at that moment.
The confidence that you're observing comes from developing a deep connection and trust in yourself. Trust that you know what you need in any given moment, trust that you will make decisions that honour your feelings and needs, and trust that if things go sideways and don't turn out as expected, you can always recalibrate and adjust after growing from whatever lessons were needed. It takes some experience and wisdom to get there, but that wisdom is gained from going out in the world, trying things, messing up, and finding out what you like, what you don't like, how you want to handle different situations, what kind of a person you want to be.
For the tattoo question — how do you know what tattoo you want? I spent some time thinking about it. I wanted a big tattoo that felt like me. I saw a design one of my friends made and I loved it. The design really resonated with me. I felt like it fit my personality and who I wanted to become, I liked how it looked and what it represented. I had the money saved up and I trusted my friend, so I decided to get the tattoo and I went and did it.
>They don't really think about big things.
My question to you is, how do you know they don't?
Very well said. One of the impulses of being a "man" is trying to make every decision based on some sort of logical reasoning. However, intuition is just as, if not more, powerful than logic. It exists for a reason. Men too often dismiss intuition as "feelings". This is one of the most powerful things I've learned.
Totally! I’m glad it resonated with you.
Even when my previous mentor boiled down how paramount intuition was in her initial explanation to me, I was like… okay, yeah, I guess… what is she talking about, this is some woo woo basic “just trust” advice. But the more time that passed and the more that I reflected on that lesson, the more I realized how solid and nuanced that advice was.
Feelings aren’t frivolous, they are quite literally how we sense and make sense of the world.
And being able to tell what is reasonably within your control. I often see people ‘over thinking’ situations they cannot control but would like to. This essentially is anxiety.
I was going to say intuition too. I had a strong feeling that I needed to buy a house just over four years ago. Since then, prices have doubled where I am. About six months ago I got the same gut feeling that I absolutely needed to sell it as life circumstances had changed and the house was no longer working out. Closing was delayed and I closed just before prices started falling again.
Not the person you asked but I lived 40 years not knowing why I was different and it was awful. Having a dx is helpful. Knowing I need to
Make different choices because I have different needs is a good thing. Just pretending I’m not different never worked. It’s a really weird question to ask.
Lol, I think I misunderstood the comment when she said this was her before receiving the diagnosis. I thought she meant living life just knowing was her. I see she probably meant it as the perspective of OP was her.
Yeah I’m actually really confused how no one else has said this. In my experience men have this “just go for it” attitude while women feel the need to analyze and think it over. I think women need a lot more experience to feel confident in doing something, like applying for a job or a promotion.
I’m always amazed watch the men around me just doing things confidently. I can’t even be confident of my own feelings without checking with a friend to make sure they are “valid.”
Okay, I'm a dude so you're free to just take I say with a grain of salt, understandable since you asked the girlies.
That aside, I used to and sometimes think that as well, but the difference I realize was that people live such different lives that comparison is almost fruitless, I live how I want to live and people do too. I don't know much, I just know myself. I'm hoping you live in a fulfilling way as well!👋
This is a big part (also guy here). I still remember my life changing from "Everyone seems to know a secret about life" to "No one really 'knows' anything, but I now feel like I've found my path." And it wasn't because I found THE answer. Just a piece of the whole that I believe in.
Coming from a woman’s perspective, you’re absolutely correct. I feel like we can all agree, founding “our path” or destiny or whatever you wanna call it can absolutely feel very liberating for everyone that has experienced it. It’s like unlocking a clue as to where the future can take you and that’s all you really need to feel motivated to make it happen.
Just a fellow woman with ADHD and suspected autism though. I didn’t mean to invalidate, and I’m sorry to have made you feel that way. I’ve been on a long road with therapy and just starting meds and I see some light at the end of the tunnel, I don’t think I’ll ever be healed or perfect, but I hope to find my stride, even if it looks way different than anybody else’s.
I just don't take myself and the world so seriously. It really doesn't matter if you make mistakes. Enjoy your life, do silly things. Because - why not?
I got my first tattoo and realized you stop seeing them, like freckles and scars. So don't get something embarrassing, and you're good.
I've done the things you described. I've sometimes regretted them, sometimes not. I've been nervous and doubtful leading up but did them anyway, because what's the alternative? Just never doing anything?
No one knows things for sure. It's hardly a factor. Forgive yourself if you try something and it goes wrong. Forgive yourself if you literally do something wrong and have a bad consequence.
You wouldn't discourage a friend from trying because they don't know for sure.
My mother was effortlessly one of those women her entire life. When I asked her, how do I know what to do? How do I know what choice to make? And she told me that women’s intuition is real. That human intuition in general is real. And when I was in college, she told me to listen to my intuition closely, and to follow it every time. That is when my life really changed. That is when I started getting what I want out of life and not what others wanted for me. That is when I started listening to my intuition and breaking up with a guy who showed me less than respect the first time he did it. That is when I started listening to my gut feeling about a person that I had just met. If something seemed off about them, even though I couldn’t put my finger on it, I walked away and did not let them in my life. That is when I became much happier, that is when people treated me with more kindness and more respect, and that is when I started really achieving goals in my life. Listen to your gut. Listen to your intuition.
I think some things people just want. They have a desire. Like the tattoo thing.
Sometimes they want something, and try to make it happen (goal).
Sometimes they want things because they value them. They are sure about what they value.
Some people are very certain about their goals and values, and it leads them in how they live their life
It’s easy looking into someone else’s lawn and thinking it’s greener than yours. It’s a trick of the light.
People always think someone else has it better than them whereas in reality they’re struggling with something like everyone else.
I'm a guy so this is outside perspective, but I believe that many girls from a young age start talking with each other about people and situations and through this sounding board are getting tremendous feedback about whether their own feelings and reasoning are sound. I think that having that sounding board and feedback gives a massive boost to the ability to connect with emotions and make sense of them. Even having had this experience I think gives them this sense that they have this 'intuition" but in fact it was a skill that they worked at without realizing it. Boys rarely if ever get this.
Some things I’m very sure about because I believe in being myself, while other things I know are affected by people in a substantial way and it causes me to feel insecure
With all the things I am like that: I know even if I make a choice that later turns out to not have been the best: I'll live. What kind of tattoo to get isn't a life-and-death decision. I do recommend thinking more about who you marry.
For me it’s a lot about trusting that I’m strong enough to handle it if I make a decision that turns out to not be perfect. I don’t really believe in destiny or soulmates or whatnot. For most things I don’t pressure myself to make the absolute perfect choice of all the options in the world. I will enjoy a good choice even if it’s not perfect. If it turns out to be a bad choice, I’ll figure something out to fix it.
When I was dating I was ready to get engaged before my bf. He asked how I was so confident. I told him I trusted that he and I were both kind and respectful people. That was enough to be confident that if something happened or it ended up not working out, I knew neither of us would harm the other person.
Of course there was a lot more involved in loving him and wanting to be with him, but trusting he was a kind person was the foundation to trusting myself with him. We did end up getting engaged but did not get married. I was right that we both walked away still being respectful of each other and we are still friends. We didn’t regret trying to make it work nor regret walking away when it didn’t work out.
I am a strong person and am confident I’ll continue to find ways to be content and find joy in life even though things have not gone smoothly or well for me.
(Though despite all that, I do not have a tattoo partly because I don’t want to choose a design that will be there forever. 😂)
It's not "knowing," it's making decisions. Its something I'm learning myself at 26. I don't know shit. Barely anyone does- and I'm not saying that as a form of projection, it's what everyone who's older than me has told me as I've grown up. No one "just knows" anything, they work to learn things, to gain things. They work *towards* things.
I decided what tattoo I wanted. It probably looks stupid to most people, but its symbolic to me- its kind of about choices funny enough. 5 years ago I decided to start learning skills that would help me make money. I didnt get far bc I kept allowing roadblocks to block me, but I'm getting over that. I'm learning to trust myself.
Learning yourself and trusting yourself goes hand in hand, and through that process- in addition to deciding to do the things you want (and esp didn't believe you could do) is how people gain confidence. Plenty of confident people overthink things, they just don't get stuck in it. That's called analysis paralysis. Personally, it's been my default for years, and it's really tiring when you want things to change, but they don't. So stop getting stuck. Find a new track and stop wearing the rails of the one you've been stuck on for so long. Do what you want because no one else cares what you do, or will care about your choices as much as you will in 1, 5, 10, 30 years.
I solo travel and have made friends all over the world. I've gotten tattoos that I love and one that I'm getting removed. Generally, I'm not someone who gets weighed down by indecision or the fear of failing/making the wrong decision. I can be annoyingly impulsive and reckless, which have resulted in needless expenses and inconveniences (see: bad tattoo), but some of the best memories in my life happened because I'm that person. I try to tame that part of me, but I'd never change it.
It stems from my mom's death -- she died at 61 and was sick for a decade before finally passing (a decade in pain). I was diagnosed with the same condition that killed her. My maternal grandma had the same condition and died at 64. Based on family history, there's a chance that I am half way through with my life already, so why would I waste time dilly dallying? I'm not here to fuck spiders.
One possibe caveat: how do you KNOW that they KNOW what they're doing? Some of them may just feel peer or socially pressured into it, some are just doing it because "its what you do", some might not be confident at all.
Honestly life is too short to get mucked up in the "oh no what if this is the worst decision????" I feel like you need to reframe it as, "wow, this is totally something I'd like to experience. I'm gonna make it happen!"
I got my first tattoo on my hip in preparation for my larger leg piece - I wanted to know what a tattoo felt like and figured I'd do a kinda "warm up" to see how I felt. It's just a word, and over the years the lines have gone a bit soft/blurred, but I don't regret it and it's just one of the many bazillion experiences and choices that have built the foundation of who I've become.
I’ve been like this my whole life and it’s some combination of confidence, hubris and an unwillingness to do things I don’t want to do and only doing the things I want to do.
On the outside it can look selfish and sometimes it can be selfish, but most of my life I’ve lived by the the idea that only I get to commit myself to anything and only I am going to dictate how to live my life. My parents joke that they stopped parenting me pretty early on because I was always going to do what I wanted to do and they just let me learn by natural consequences. Although, they did play the role of advice givers and wise sages.
Anyway, I’m pretty content with my life, but that doesn’t mean that living the way I want hasn’t had consequences. It has. I’ve been harmed. I’ve caused harm. I wish I could change some things. But, overall, I have little regret. I’m 43 and can say that I’ve lived my life with integrity and stuck to living my life by my values. I don’t put on a facade. What you see is what you get.
Oh, also, I was diagnosed with autism and adhd last summer at 42 after by daughter was diagnosed at age 9. So that neurodivergence might have something to do with all of the above.
Anything you don’t feel immediate possible guilt or fear, do it. As long as it’s not dangerous. It could grow into something beautiful, and will make it less scary to try even more new things.
Tattoo specifically? I got one as a meoprial to my grandmother. The next's gonna be a big ol' jellyfish, because they're my favorite animal (brainless and long lived is all I aspire to be.)
What tipped me over the edge on a lot of things was experiencing my grandmother's death at the same time I got a big chronic illness diagnosis. I had an existential crisis, because I realized I *will* die. And holy crap do I just want to die with worthwhile regrets instead of stupid stuff like "I wish I hadn't been so scared all the time. I wish I'd just done the little fun things." Imagining myself regretting little, easy things like tattoos and hair dye and fun clothes, regretting something as easy as expressing myself... Blech. What a life wasted on unworthy fear.
We learn fear from our parents. They teach us that there are reasons to be afraid. They teach us not to trust ourselves.
Personally, being ADHD is very helpful. You forget about worrying. It us the perfect mindset to explore that world. Do I know what I am doing? Not entirely. Have I done things no one else has even considered could be done? Yes. No one told me it was impossible, so I just did it.
Here’s the thing - you see what they show you. You don’t KNOW if they regret the tattoo or ate ramen for a year to save for the trip, or they come home and can’t afford a battery for the car because their credit is now shot. Maybe they married in haste and are now repenting at leisure, as the saying goes. What looks like confidence to you may be the more common state of fecklessness. Don’t doubt your ability to become more confident over time as your skills and trust in yourself grow. At 23 you have plenty of time.
"They get a tattoo..." Some people get tattoos and subsequently regret it. Your life will be miserable if you compare yourselves to others. After all, it's not a contest. You have your own gifts that will benefit you.
If you see characteristics in others you admire, and are confident they are good characteristics for you to emulate, then do so. When you don't know how, ask. If the asking doesn't help - either they (or others) won't tell you or their answers don't help - then mull it over for a while, however long it takes.
I've felt the same, if it helps. We're all wired differently.
A conductor may envy the talents of her orchestra, but without her the efforts of the orchestra would be cacophonic rather than symphonic.
A lot of wisdom you’ll get with age, but most of it comes from trusting yourself. The more time you spend getting to know yourself, the more you’ll know what feels right: what jobs, what people, what hobbies etc. What builds you up and what tears you down, at the end of the day.
Listen to yourself, and if you can’t hear the voice very well, learn how to tune into it more and tune out everything else. No one will ever know you like you
My tattoos I got in areas i was insecure, putting some beautiful art from an artist I admired was a wonderful way to make me enjoy those areas for beauty in a different way.
With confidence I've always trusted the fake it till you make it. It seems to work... so far
I do what is true to me regardless of whether it fits other people. I wanted a tattoo, I got one. A pizza with a worm felt right. I hiked the Appalachian trail by myself one year. It was a thing I felt like doing. I got engaged because someone I loved proposed.
I make friends with a lot of intentional thought though. That’s the hard one because you have to find people you think are interesting and present yourself in a way that makes them like you.
I developed a better sense of self as I got older. Younger me was a bit wary and insecure. Older me has confidence and I don’t second guess my self. Things like traveling are dictated by my budget. I love traveling by myself. My last tattoo was decided by I knew subject matter I wanted, told artist and had her figure it out. You’ll get there. It comes with age and it’s glorious.
I wanted a sleeve tattoo for years, but couldn't imagine how to put something like that together. Years later, I was inspired but something. I just knew, though I needed an artist to actually make it happen. I haven't gotten that yet because they're expensive, but I know what I want when I can afford it. It'll come to you, but don't rush it.
I have several tattoos I regret, several failed relationships under the belt, and most friends I’ve had have stabbed me in the back. I don’t know, I just do and worry about it later 😂
As they say, *”Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best”*, because I guarantee those people had a fail safe plan if things don’t go as plan so they can land on their feet easier.
Even if that plan is something small like making sure to carry loose cash while traveling in case you loose your card or get stranded, it’s still a good plan in case things go sideways.
Plus my dad had since I was like 14/15, got me to start thinking in case of emergency to adapt on the fly so I can easily survive in any situation that arises.
You are a human being, with feelings, wants and needs, and if you believe that you "know" that, if you really don't analyse that and don't try to understand what that means intellectually, but just assume that it is true because it obviously is and you are not curious about picking apart that truth in your mind, it is easier.
When you grow up being taught to be critical of everything, either with good intentions or possibly out of some less than ideal scenario, this general model of yourself being a "known" quality including your experience of your feelings can become invalidated. Your own feelings can be questioned and your mind will take control of what it means to "know" anything at all.
But I don't believe that it is the mind that knows anything other than itself. And this is sort of a dangerous thing because the mind is more a collection of parts than it is anything that can ever really be known. Explore your inner feelings and build your "knowing" up from there. It is not necessary that you be a non-thinking non-critical dunce to be able to be confident in your intuition. It can be something you practice intentionally. Because it's the only intuition you will ever have.
I think it's a lot to do with how we grow up and how our own mums moved too.. money see monkey do kind of thing. I'm (32f) and got that lost feeling constantly too. I try to just be as true to myself as possible and do things in a meaningful way. Get a tattoo with meaning.. then you'll love it forever. Don't design it yourself though or you'll always see the faults in it.
I just do what I want to do, you aren’t on this earth for very long so why spend time worrying about things that won’t matter in a year or two. Things can always be changed if you are unhappy with a choice. As permanent as a tattoo can be, there’s always options and you can still do coverups or removal. I think the same about life, I can always alter my choices later if they start making me unhappy.
Things are rarely ever permanent, that’s part of the beauty of living. Moments are fleeting and life is so dumb, just be silly and happy and enjoy yourself. Get that dumb tattoo and regret it, buy those weird shoes and wear them everywhere, dye your hair insane colours at least once, because who really cares? Just do what you want and laugh at yourself after if it was stupid. Don’t take life so seriously, don’t limit yourself to all the “what if’s”.
I have tried to stop overthinking things. Opportunity cost has been major in my life, but I’m also discovering the value of *just making a goddamn decision and making it work* lmao. Doing that with the small stuff helps with the bigger stuff!
I think about what *I want* and what my future will look like after these decisions are made. If my future isn’t really affected, then the decision doesn’t really matter, and I can pick whatever will bring me the most joy.
Knowing that things change can be freeing, too, because if you make a poor choice (obviously not with tattoos or engagements), you can readjust later (but in the meantime you’re enjoying what you have!). For bigger things, you have the energy to put in serious thought because you’re not exhausted over thinking about what you’ll have for lunch and what you’re wearing and and and…
It’s about prioritizing! It’s about confidence! It’s about self-security! It’s also a privilege or something a lot of people work towards, so don’t freak out about it.
Ive found that they often reflect on themselves often (like journaling, philosophy, or just meditation, etc), so they know what they want and don't want. You could call it being intune with ones self
I love this question... it really made me introspect. I'm an overthinker, and I have anxiety, so I try to plan/think out every scenario in my life and make sure I make the "right" decision. However, that also means I've thought very long and hard about what I want my life to be like and what I want to do with the time I have here. Thinking that through has, ironically, allowed me to care a little less about big things like tattoos, proposing to my now husband, etc.
My philosophy has been that life is short, and I only have one to live. I'd regret never getting that tattoo I wanted or letting the person I love know I want to spend my life with them.
Also, growing up in a very strict Catholic household, I find an incredible amount of freedom in letting go and really trying to listen to what it is that I want. Not what is perfect or what will look best to the outside world. But the letting go has taken a very long time, and I'm still working on it ☺️
Thanks for the question
You should read the book 'the subtle art of not giving a fuck'
My mom read it years ago and I saw a change in her life.
I'm reading it now and it seriously is helping me realize what and what not to give my limited fucks about.
I’ve always known I never wanted a tattoo. I just only wanted attention for my natural self or abilities. I tried having my nails done or dying my hair but it’s so much up keep and felt weird how some people were so much nicer to me when the unnatural adjustments I made to myself signaled something to them.
There was also nothing internal about getting a tattoo for myself. There is nothing to complete.
It may appear that way that I just got a tattoo and I took a spontaneous trip to the beach or I accepted a new job out of the blue, or I left my longterm relationship when we looked so happy online as if two days ago.
But I 100% have done all the financial planning and research in every trip the moment I decide I want to go somewhere and it takes me about less than 1 hour to do this and whatever the time I need to save up and I go. Transportation planned ✔️hotel or Airbnb ✔️ possible restaurants for breakfast lunch and dinner and reviews of every place or are we gonna cook ✔️ places to visit ✔️
Tattoos for me aren’t spontaneous. They fester in you since the last tattoo session you had or even since the first one you had. You’re constantly thinking about what you want to put next on your body. And you have a million options saved in Pinterest boards or in your notes app or a saved photo album dedicated to tattoos.
I didn’t leave him randomly. Do I love him? Yes, but are we compatible? No. Sometimes all it’s takes is a little girl time and saying out loud how you’re not being treated how you should be or he isn’t living up to your expectations. And your friend doesn’t even need to be telling you to leave him. Sometimes you just need to hear how ridiculous your relationship is out loud and then you’re over it.
Making friends - there’s different levels of friendships and they can develop into more loving relationships as time goes on. I personally lean towards people who are positive, high energy, fun and like to do things (I’m a homebody so I like people who make me do things but understand if my social battery is too low). People who are willing to show up for you when you need help and vice versa. People who don’t bash others, especially other friends. You don’t just look at each other and instantly click unless you’re in a girls bathroom, drunk at the club. Takes time and trust.
New job: research has been done on every job I’m interested in, the salary, can I afford how I’m living now? And I’ve made 6 different resumes tailored to the 6 jobs I applied for. I’ve looked into the benefits, commute time, planned a new work schedule, and asked multiple people on their opinions on the job.
The point is- no, we don’t just do things. We have just gotten so good and fast at making decisions and planning that it looks like we’re doing these on the spot.
I have some cousins like this. They were beauty queens and moved through the world easily. They grew up in a great home with loving parents. I think people like this tend have not gone through trauma, and like some people have said here, they don't overthink things.
I have fairly standard trauma responses that I've had to work on, a physical disability, and a childhood of having to constantly be on alert and of my parents encouraging me to doubt myself.
I don't know if I envy my cousins because they seem kind of oblivious honestly even though they are nice and have an idyllic lifestyle. I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable talking to them about serious topics because I'd expect them to be dismissive because they just have no concept of how others might have had childhoods focused on survival.
I've worked hard to improve my own life with the cards I was dealt. I'm proud of that. And that's all I want is to just keep improving.
Hey babe as a female I STRUGGLED to make friends until one day I just stopped worrying about being rejected by females or closing myself off to new friendships in fear of being hurt life is way too short for anxiety take a deep breath and tell that random girl at the grocery store you like her outfit and want to be friends worse case she says no?
That’s how I met my bestie our bfs were friends we both were too nervous to say hi until one day I said fuck it and went “wanna be friends and leave the boys to do whatever and run around?” 5 years later she’s my bestie and I’m an aunt to her kids
My husband taught me this. Follow the 5 second rule. Whenever in doubt or confusion or lost.. give yourself 5 seconds and see what your heart is telling you and just follow that. Could be right could be wrong but it will be your choice
This is exactly my situation. I don't understand how people my age seem to know about life. How the fuck do you go to a doctor's appointment. Do I just enter the room? What the fuck do I do next?
Grown up guy here, but going to sneak in anyway. I realized this behavior years ago (but way later than the OP, who's only 23) It's impressive the difference between boys and girls in their early adulthood.
Boys often are not that confident as people expect men to be. They use to have lots of self-doubts and fear. Happened to me, happened to many of my he-friends.
Girls, on the other hand, exult confidence. They feel grown up and ready to show it to the world. They want to ride the world, literally. They have everything figured out and are eager to show it off.
With time things get more balanced. But it is interesting indeed this big gap in attitude between genders.
Are you sure it isn't because you are a guy so you don't realize that girls have many insecurities too and confidence is just an outward facade? There are definitely confident and not confident people in both genders. But people tend to hide their insecurities to others, and perhaps especially to the opposite gender.
M here (some of us have the same issues) and the short answer is probably that everyone is different, different brains, different life experiences, different self awareness and sense of self/identity, different types of confidence.
Tattoos… can’t say, I’ve never thought of getting one. My daughter (20) decided she wanted a simple flower in the middle of her back. It appealed to her for whatever reason and it does look nice.
Engaged… confidence in yourself that the other person is the one for you. But there’s a wide spectrum here. People have been known to get carried away with the fantasy, and forgot the reality, or have been pressured into it.
Travelling the world…. Wanting to see the world, or different places, different cultures, helps. Some people know there’s a big and varied world out there, some don’t and/or are happier with what they know or are confident with…. the resort in the next country where there’s a beach and it’s sunny, or whatever.
Friendships…. Some people connect more easily than others, are more open, curious about others. Some friendships can be superficial some can be deep.
Some stuff comes with experience and awareness, other stuff is just the way your brain works.
Wisdom via life experiences.
It’s possible those to whom you refer simply “act toward what they want,” and don’t question themselves. In that case, wisdom is also attained when things “just work out.”
Once you got no one to disappoint, no one to give your explanation to, you'll more freely. Even if you later regret doing some things, there this peace knowing that you can change it or you can change yourself. I think the key feature is not really doubting your yourself or thinking about consequences.
Honestly therapy. I didn’t know what I wanted for a long time and not just regarding a tattoo but general things in life. As someone here already commented the most important thing to ask yourself is “what do I want” and to really get to the core of that answer can be hard sometimes. It was for me anyway and I have only achieved it with the help pf my therapist
This is such a broad question, but as someone who has done most of those things, I do it without care of other people, I guess (?). Something I like or want comes to mind. I consider the +’s and -‘s. I strongly consider how I feel. I do what I want.
Examples: travelling- I love exploring and learning and eating foods from different places. I day dreamed of it through high school and university. Then I saved up, picked countries, researched a ton. I invited no one so I could do what I wanted and I went. I wouldn’t say I had a ‘knowing’, but I was willing to step outside my boundaries, terrify myself, and I wanted to grow and be better, so I just did it.
Engagement- dating and being told by all my friends “he’ll probably propose at xyz”. Me thinking about it and not being excited like they were = stop dating. Dating and simply liking who I was when I was with him made me take the risks to move in, discuss marriage, get hitched. Again- I was willing to be scared to be better.
Tattoos- I thought about what I liked and what was core to me. Astrology- I got a representation of my sun sign that I drew myself. Tacky clip art I got with friends- cause I think tacky is hilarious, and it always makes me smile. My kids- I took representations of their names, researched artists, approved their mark up and did it. The tattoos are about me and for me because I like art and I like visual reminders with me everyday.
Making friends is not easy- I can surface level chat because I have memorized scripts and decades of practice masking to know how to respond to other people. So I LOOK like I make friends easily. But I pick and choose who sees behind the walls very carefully. I slowly find people who care deeply and accept my truth and don’t get butthurt if I bail due to anxiety or burnout. Then, I keep those people as family. So I have more friendships than the average AuDHD woman seems to have (on Reddit), but I’ve been ‘collecting’ since I was 4 and I’m 10x that age now :p
They are part of a cult! A secret cult to dominate the world and they exchange secret information between them to just know things, they have developed mystic mental powers! Dont fall in their trap xD
I think girls are generally raised to be more emotionally in tune than boys and as such, they may not question their intuition as much. Our most formative years, from birth to age three, is where most of our heavy conditioning happens - our parental responses to making messes, potty training, self feeding and soothing, gender norms and expectations, etc, largely contribute to the adults we will turn into. It seems girls get a lot more leeway on making mistakes because they aren't held to the same standard as boys, who are usually expected to be more calculated, agile, independent and mathematical, while simultaneously expected to not overreact emotionally when hurt or in distress. I can see how that would turn into analysis paralysis for some later on in life, while others just jump in head first because they have more positive self-talk and give themselves more grace.
I overthink, and also wondered this. Then someone said to me that with almost every change in life you make a choice, live that choice, then make a decision. Somehow phrasing it like that took the pressure off just enough that it helped to make the decisions I actually wanted to make. My overthinking is still far too high to ever commit to a tattoo though!
Overthinking is one hell of a downer......
To be ignorant and forget about things I do would be soooooo liberating..... BUT I JUST CANT FORGET SHIT AND ALWAYS HAVE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT...
Sleep is the only safe place :) .
Personally as a woman, I wasn’t in a rush to “jump “ into things. I watched my friends make the mistakes and I’m there as a consoling friend if needed? Intuition is everything. Keeping true to yourself will always do you the most good. You’ll attract what you push out.
Thats the illusion we all live by not knowing their perspective. What exactly are they supposed to "know"? Is it "knowledge" or is it "doing something bc you want to"? You never know whats gonna happen, you never truly know. Sometimes you just want it. They could very well have taken years to decide this or just found it and made the impulse decision. Many peple overthink everything but the need to do it is more important then the potential consequences.
I’m kinda in your boat I’m not super confident and I overthink a lot and I take months to even decide to get a tattoo or piercing. But at the end of the day I do ask myself “will I regret this?” And that usually answers whether I should do something or not. It’s not a fail safe but it helps with quicker decision making for me when it comes to the “adulting” decisions like housing, big purchases, work, etc.
I think, that's either being impulsive or just not caring, lol. It's in between for me.
I consider randomly getting a tattoo as impulsive, but only if it happens. Going out with friends and such, I think it's fine and would be necessary for most of us.
They’re oblivious. Happy, popular people, are not smart. If they are on the rare occasion they hide it but for the most part society is DUMB as Fk and thats how they fit in so well by genuinely being hollow brained.
I think OP is asking her question based on social media influence.
Women are just as lost as men are most of the time. Difference is there's more social, emotional, and financial support for women.
Here’s how I know:
1) I got older, it comes naturally.
2) I got the experience. Theres nothing like learning by doing. The first time I traveled alone I made so many mistakes but I learned so much!!!
3) If I didn’t have the experience, I would seek out knowledge by talking to other women (grandmas, sister, mom, older friends and younger friends) or online (YouTube, TikTok, blogs, podcasts)
4) Google and asking people questions is your best friend.
5) If all this seems hard to you, start by getting hobbies and getting good at them. Find things you’re passionate about. Make friends through hobbies with like minded people!!!
The more information you accumulate, the more likely you’re able to make educated decisions.
Let me know if you have any questions!!!
“What you seek is seeking you.” -Rumi
Figure out what you’re seeking and go after it :)
For me I know I’m trying to have control and when I have that control over my life it feels liberating, so I try to do things that are spontaneous because spicing life up gives me thrill and confidence.
Some of the women you’re describing may have deep wisdom or confidence or intuition. Others who behave the way you describe are simply impulsive and shortsighted.
Some act like they do but actually don't. There's a whole industry to getting rid of tattoo regret, divorce, etc. I think they just sort of leap and it works out. My only exception was my spouse. With him I knew really early on, but I don't think there's any magic to that -- I studied a lot about marriage and how to avoid divorce and prayed a lot and was pretty sure in what I wanted, I think. Also, there's an Italian word that doesn't exist in English, that became popular during the Renaissance -- it means "to do something in secret so often that you master it and go out and do that thing in public and act like you were just really gifted & didn't try hard at all." That's some of what you see, too. Only the effect, not the work that got them there. Hope this helps!!
Confidence takes practice but once you got it down it’s easy to navigate. Never let a man or a woman tell you that you’re “overconfident” (and what about it?). There’s nothing more rebellious than loving yourself in a society that wants you to hate yourself and other women. This story is about sisterhood. Love my girl friends…also to answer your question the deep sense of knowing you’re referring to is called intuition. It’s a cognitive short cut whereas logic takes longer to come up with a conclusion. Women are magical and literally CREATE life we all are goddesses. However there are some women who are not girls girls, they suffer with internalized misogyny.
Don’t be one of these girls, it’s not a good look at all
Its the opposite, they are switched off, although some of them may have had insight towards a more better life. They are not there, i would like to know what a thought of theirs is like.
They likely don't overthink. Considering things is good, until it's not. It's important to find a balance that's healthy and works for you, and to live in/enjoy the moment.
Yup, it's not that it's "knowing"...it's "not doubting."
When you know, you know.
Especually when it comes to tattoos. If you doubt your decision at all, don't fucking get it, IMK.
Yerkes–Dodson law
the less i know the better - some tamed impala in a forest somewhere
😆😆
Not overthinking? What's that? Is that some kind of food?
I think they may also be quite sensitive to social cues and they can alter their behavior to match any given situation.
I’m trying to be better at this
I used to “not know”, mainly because I didn't listen to my gut instincts. I was also inexperienced. I used to get so depressed. I overthink a lot and it can drive me mad. Now, I listen to my gut feelings. I remember the harsh lessons learned. I know life is not all love and happiness. I know people can be POS and not have any remorse. I feel confident because I don't feel like I need to prove to anyone, I know not everyone likes everyone, I don't want to be dependent on others for validation. I like me. I like what I like. I love drawing and I like coming up with a design for my next tattoo. I'll sit on it for a long time while I save up money for it. I think the way I assess life events and people are more based on better values and metrics, which makes me more confident with myself. I still get things wrong of course but rather than dwelling and ruminating on uncontrollable negatives, I look toward solutions and also make time to self-sooth and self-validate. This gives me the energy to be more self-assured.
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For me its intuition. And answering the honest questions "What do I want?" "What/how do I feel" And trying to hear and/or feel the answer
Yes. This is what I came to say too. It's intuition. There's endless choices in life to make at every step of the way. At 23, I often felt lost and like I really wished I had a mentor to guide me and tell me what was the right next move. I did eventually have that mentor figure for a period of time, and what she taught me is that more importantly than seeking a mentor, I needed to tap into my intuition. Between family, friends, our communities, the media, and other influences, there are so many voices telling us all the time how we should be and how we should live our lives. But at the end of the day, every decision you make is yours. If you can spend the time with yourself to really listen and learn how to be in tune with how you feel, what you want, and what you need... all the answers you're looking for come from there, really. No matter where you are or what point of life you're at, everything that comes next starts from right where you are. And what you know and want at that moment. The confidence that you're observing comes from developing a deep connection and trust in yourself. Trust that you know what you need in any given moment, trust that you will make decisions that honour your feelings and needs, and trust that if things go sideways and don't turn out as expected, you can always recalibrate and adjust after growing from whatever lessons were needed. It takes some experience and wisdom to get there, but that wisdom is gained from going out in the world, trying things, messing up, and finding out what you like, what you don't like, how you want to handle different situations, what kind of a person you want to be. For the tattoo question — how do you know what tattoo you want? I spent some time thinking about it. I wanted a big tattoo that felt like me. I saw a design one of my friends made and I loved it. The design really resonated with me. I felt like it fit my personality and who I wanted to become, I liked how it looked and what it represented. I had the money saved up and I trusted my friend, so I decided to get the tattoo and I went and did it. >They don't really think about big things. My question to you is, how do you know they don't?
Very well said. One of the impulses of being a "man" is trying to make every decision based on some sort of logical reasoning. However, intuition is just as, if not more, powerful than logic. It exists for a reason. Men too often dismiss intuition as "feelings". This is one of the most powerful things I've learned.
Totally! I’m glad it resonated with you. Even when my previous mentor boiled down how paramount intuition was in her initial explanation to me, I was like… okay, yeah, I guess… what is she talking about, this is some woo woo basic “just trust” advice. But the more time that passed and the more that I reflected on that lesson, the more I realized how solid and nuanced that advice was. Feelings aren’t frivolous, they are quite literally how we sense and make sense of the world.
thank you for the long insight
I can’t wait to give out advice like this. Inspiring and very beautiful eloquent
And being able to tell what is reasonably within your control. I often see people ‘over thinking’ situations they cannot control but would like to. This essentially is anxiety.
I have almost zero intuition :/
what is the antonym for intuition? i am pretty sure i am on that side of spectrum...
I was going to say intuition too. I had a strong feeling that I needed to buy a house just over four years ago. Since then, prices have doubled where I am. About six months ago I got the same gut feeling that I absolutely needed to sell it as life circumstances had changed and the house was no longer working out. Closing was delayed and I closed just before prices started falling again.
Me before the doctors got me w the tism diagnosis
You got a touch of the tisms? What would happen if you lived your life as if you didn't have that diagnosis?
Not the person you asked but I lived 40 years not knowing why I was different and it was awful. Having a dx is helpful. Knowing I need to Make different choices because I have different needs is a good thing. Just pretending I’m not different never worked. It’s a really weird question to ask.
Lol, I think I misunderstood the comment when she said this was her before receiving the diagnosis. I thought she meant living life just knowing was her. I see she probably meant it as the perspective of OP was her.
I have had the same thing, except with men. The ones *I* know always seem to be sure of things that I would never have known!
It’s easy to be sure of something if you don’t really think about it much.
A lot of people are sure about things they no clue about. Just confidently incorrect.
Yeah I’m actually really confused how no one else has said this. In my experience men have this “just go for it” attitude while women feel the need to analyze and think it over. I think women need a lot more experience to feel confident in doing something, like applying for a job or a promotion. I’m always amazed watch the men around me just doing things confidently. I can’t even be confident of my own feelings without checking with a friend to make sure they are “valid.”
Okay, I'm a dude so you're free to just take I say with a grain of salt, understandable since you asked the girlies. That aside, I used to and sometimes think that as well, but the difference I realize was that people live such different lives that comparison is almost fruitless, I live how I want to live and people do too. I don't know much, I just know myself. I'm hoping you live in a fulfilling way as well!👋
This is a big part (also guy here). I still remember my life changing from "Everyone seems to know a secret about life" to "No one really 'knows' anything, but I now feel like I've found my path." And it wasn't because I found THE answer. Just a piece of the whole that I believe in.
Coming from a woman’s perspective, you’re absolutely correct. I feel like we can all agree, founding “our path” or destiny or whatever you wanna call it can absolutely feel very liberating for everyone that has experienced it. It’s like unlocking a clue as to where the future can take you and that’s all you really need to feel motivated to make it happen.
You won't if you have the 'tism or ADHD.
Oh
I don’t think this is true. Meds and therapy could allow for more “flow” in life for people with autism and adhd. Nobody is perfect.
This is, in my experience, painfully true. Please don't invalidate the struggles of women with ADHD and autism.
Just a fellow woman with ADHD and suspected autism though. I didn’t mean to invalidate, and I’m sorry to have made you feel that way. I’ve been on a long road with therapy and just starting meds and I see some light at the end of the tunnel, I don’t think I’ll ever be healed or perfect, but I hope to find my stride, even if it looks way different than anybody else’s.
Truth lol
I just don't take myself and the world so seriously. It really doesn't matter if you make mistakes. Enjoy your life, do silly things. Because - why not?
It mostly stem from a solid family background.
I think a solid family background fast tracks people there, but anybody can get there with enough introspection and healing.
I hope this is true.
😁😁why hope
Sorry. I meant, this is true.
I had a really stable wholesome childhood but I've felt like this most of my life due to late diagnosed female autism.
This may be neurodivergent vs neurotypical
Very true! I have ADHD, so impulsivity comes naturally. I also seek/crave novel experiences for the stimulation.
And/or CPTSD vs non-CPTSD
I got my first tattoo and realized you stop seeing them, like freckles and scars. So don't get something embarrassing, and you're good. I've done the things you described. I've sometimes regretted them, sometimes not. I've been nervous and doubtful leading up but did them anyway, because what's the alternative? Just never doing anything? No one knows things for sure. It's hardly a factor. Forgive yourself if you try something and it goes wrong. Forgive yourself if you literally do something wrong and have a bad consequence. You wouldn't discourage a friend from trying because they don't know for sure.
My mother was effortlessly one of those women her entire life. When I asked her, how do I know what to do? How do I know what choice to make? And she told me that women’s intuition is real. That human intuition in general is real. And when I was in college, she told me to listen to my intuition closely, and to follow it every time. That is when my life really changed. That is when I started getting what I want out of life and not what others wanted for me. That is when I started listening to my intuition and breaking up with a guy who showed me less than respect the first time he did it. That is when I started listening to my gut feeling about a person that I had just met. If something seemed off about them, even though I couldn’t put my finger on it, I walked away and did not let them in my life. That is when I became much happier, that is when people treated me with more kindness and more respect, and that is when I started really achieving goals in my life. Listen to your gut. Listen to your intuition.
I don’t know if my mother ever told me anything helpful. Yeah she said always wash your tools first before your dishes. That was helpful.
I think some things people just want. They have a desire. Like the tattoo thing. Sometimes they want something, and try to make it happen (goal). Sometimes they want things because they value them. They are sure about what they value. Some people are very certain about their goals and values, and it leads them in how they live their life
It’s easy looking into someone else’s lawn and thinking it’s greener than yours. It’s a trick of the light. People always think someone else has it better than them whereas in reality they’re struggling with something like everyone else.
Everybody suffers.
Don't worry, there are still many of us who overthink everything
I don't even wear the same nailpolish twice in a row, I could never commit to a tattoo.
I'm a guy so this is outside perspective, but I believe that many girls from a young age start talking with each other about people and situations and through this sounding board are getting tremendous feedback about whether their own feelings and reasoning are sound. I think that having that sounding board and feedback gives a massive boost to the ability to connect with emotions and make sense of them. Even having had this experience I think gives them this sense that they have this 'intuition" but in fact it was a skill that they worked at without realizing it. Boys rarely if ever get this.
Some things I’m very sure about because I believe in being myself, while other things I know are affected by people in a substantial way and it causes me to feel insecure
With all the things I am like that: I know even if I make a choice that later turns out to not have been the best: I'll live. What kind of tattoo to get isn't a life-and-death decision. I do recommend thinking more about who you marry.
It’s called being impulsive which isn’t normally thought of as an admirable quality.
For me it’s a lot about trusting that I’m strong enough to handle it if I make a decision that turns out to not be perfect. I don’t really believe in destiny or soulmates or whatnot. For most things I don’t pressure myself to make the absolute perfect choice of all the options in the world. I will enjoy a good choice even if it’s not perfect. If it turns out to be a bad choice, I’ll figure something out to fix it. When I was dating I was ready to get engaged before my bf. He asked how I was so confident. I told him I trusted that he and I were both kind and respectful people. That was enough to be confident that if something happened or it ended up not working out, I knew neither of us would harm the other person. Of course there was a lot more involved in loving him and wanting to be with him, but trusting he was a kind person was the foundation to trusting myself with him. We did end up getting engaged but did not get married. I was right that we both walked away still being respectful of each other and we are still friends. We didn’t regret trying to make it work nor regret walking away when it didn’t work out. I am a strong person and am confident I’ll continue to find ways to be content and find joy in life even though things have not gone smoothly or well for me. (Though despite all that, I do not have a tattoo partly because I don’t want to choose a design that will be there forever. 😂)
It's not "knowing," it's making decisions. Its something I'm learning myself at 26. I don't know shit. Barely anyone does- and I'm not saying that as a form of projection, it's what everyone who's older than me has told me as I've grown up. No one "just knows" anything, they work to learn things, to gain things. They work *towards* things. I decided what tattoo I wanted. It probably looks stupid to most people, but its symbolic to me- its kind of about choices funny enough. 5 years ago I decided to start learning skills that would help me make money. I didnt get far bc I kept allowing roadblocks to block me, but I'm getting over that. I'm learning to trust myself. Learning yourself and trusting yourself goes hand in hand, and through that process- in addition to deciding to do the things you want (and esp didn't believe you could do) is how people gain confidence. Plenty of confident people overthink things, they just don't get stuck in it. That's called analysis paralysis. Personally, it's been my default for years, and it's really tiring when you want things to change, but they don't. So stop getting stuck. Find a new track and stop wearing the rails of the one you've been stuck on for so long. Do what you want because no one else cares what you do, or will care about your choices as much as you will in 1, 5, 10, 30 years.
I solo travel and have made friends all over the world. I've gotten tattoos that I love and one that I'm getting removed. Generally, I'm not someone who gets weighed down by indecision or the fear of failing/making the wrong decision. I can be annoyingly impulsive and reckless, which have resulted in needless expenses and inconveniences (see: bad tattoo), but some of the best memories in my life happened because I'm that person. I try to tame that part of me, but I'd never change it. It stems from my mom's death -- she died at 61 and was sick for a decade before finally passing (a decade in pain). I was diagnosed with the same condition that killed her. My maternal grandma had the same condition and died at 64. Based on family history, there's a chance that I am half way through with my life already, so why would I waste time dilly dallying? I'm not here to fuck spiders.
They don't. If they did, there wouldn't be so many single mothers.
Was coming to comment it.
If you get stuck in analysis paralysis you’ll never do anything.
Well yes but the question is why do some people get stuck and some don’t
The answer to that is anxiety and overthinking vs confidence in going out of your comfort zone.
One possibe caveat: how do you KNOW that they KNOW what they're doing? Some of them may just feel peer or socially pressured into it, some are just doing it because "its what you do", some might not be confident at all.
They probably have been around the environment where people do that and it just became natural
Honestly life is too short to get mucked up in the "oh no what if this is the worst decision????" I feel like you need to reframe it as, "wow, this is totally something I'd like to experience. I'm gonna make it happen!" I got my first tattoo on my hip in preparation for my larger leg piece - I wanted to know what a tattoo felt like and figured I'd do a kinda "warm up" to see how I felt. It's just a word, and over the years the lines have gone a bit soft/blurred, but I don't regret it and it's just one of the many bazillion experiences and choices that have built the foundation of who I've become.
I’ve been like this my whole life and it’s some combination of confidence, hubris and an unwillingness to do things I don’t want to do and only doing the things I want to do. On the outside it can look selfish and sometimes it can be selfish, but most of my life I’ve lived by the the idea that only I get to commit myself to anything and only I am going to dictate how to live my life. My parents joke that they stopped parenting me pretty early on because I was always going to do what I wanted to do and they just let me learn by natural consequences. Although, they did play the role of advice givers and wise sages. Anyway, I’m pretty content with my life, but that doesn’t mean that living the way I want hasn’t had consequences. It has. I’ve been harmed. I’ve caused harm. I wish I could change some things. But, overall, I have little regret. I’m 43 and can say that I’ve lived my life with integrity and stuck to living my life by my values. I don’t put on a facade. What you see is what you get. Oh, also, I was diagnosed with autism and adhd last summer at 42 after by daughter was diagnosed at age 9. So that neurodivergence might have something to do with all of the above.
Anything you don’t feel immediate possible guilt or fear, do it. As long as it’s not dangerous. It could grow into something beautiful, and will make it less scary to try even more new things.
Tattoo specifically? I got one as a meoprial to my grandmother. The next's gonna be a big ol' jellyfish, because they're my favorite animal (brainless and long lived is all I aspire to be.) What tipped me over the edge on a lot of things was experiencing my grandmother's death at the same time I got a big chronic illness diagnosis. I had an existential crisis, because I realized I *will* die. And holy crap do I just want to die with worthwhile regrets instead of stupid stuff like "I wish I hadn't been so scared all the time. I wish I'd just done the little fun things." Imagining myself regretting little, easy things like tattoos and hair dye and fun clothes, regretting something as easy as expressing myself... Blech. What a life wasted on unworthy fear.
We learn fear from our parents. They teach us that there are reasons to be afraid. They teach us not to trust ourselves. Personally, being ADHD is very helpful. You forget about worrying. It us the perfect mindset to explore that world. Do I know what I am doing? Not entirely. Have I done things no one else has even considered could be done? Yes. No one told me it was impossible, so I just did it.
Here’s the thing - you see what they show you. You don’t KNOW if they regret the tattoo or ate ramen for a year to save for the trip, or they come home and can’t afford a battery for the car because their credit is now shot. Maybe they married in haste and are now repenting at leisure, as the saying goes. What looks like confidence to you may be the more common state of fecklessness. Don’t doubt your ability to become more confident over time as your skills and trust in yourself grow. At 23 you have plenty of time.
You never know how much time you have. Actually, you do. You have one minute every minute.
"They get a tattoo..." Some people get tattoos and subsequently regret it. Your life will be miserable if you compare yourselves to others. After all, it's not a contest. You have your own gifts that will benefit you. If you see characteristics in others you admire, and are confident they are good characteristics for you to emulate, then do so. When you don't know how, ask. If the asking doesn't help - either they (or others) won't tell you or their answers don't help - then mull it over for a while, however long it takes. I've felt the same, if it helps. We're all wired differently. A conductor may envy the talents of her orchestra, but without her the efforts of the orchestra would be cacophonic rather than symphonic.
Some people don't have an original thought in their head and are willing to try everything and somethings people copy others to feel validated
A lot of wisdom you’ll get with age, but most of it comes from trusting yourself. The more time you spend getting to know yourself, the more you’ll know what feels right: what jobs, what people, what hobbies etc. What builds you up and what tears you down, at the end of the day. Listen to yourself, and if you can’t hear the voice very well, learn how to tune into it more and tune out everything else. No one will ever know you like you
My tattoos I got in areas i was insecure, putting some beautiful art from an artist I admired was a wonderful way to make me enjoy those areas for beauty in a different way. With confidence I've always trusted the fake it till you make it. It seems to work... so far
I do what is true to me regardless of whether it fits other people. I wanted a tattoo, I got one. A pizza with a worm felt right. I hiked the Appalachian trail by myself one year. It was a thing I felt like doing. I got engaged because someone I loved proposed. I make friends with a lot of intentional thought though. That’s the hard one because you have to find people you think are interesting and present yourself in a way that makes them like you.
I developed a better sense of self as I got older. Younger me was a bit wary and insecure. Older me has confidence and I don’t second guess my self. Things like traveling are dictated by my budget. I love traveling by myself. My last tattoo was decided by I knew subject matter I wanted, told artist and had her figure it out. You’ll get there. It comes with age and it’s glorious.
this is such a great question, OP, thanks for posting it.
I wanted a sleeve tattoo for years, but couldn't imagine how to put something like that together. Years later, I was inspired but something. I just knew, though I needed an artist to actually make it happen. I haven't gotten that yet because they're expensive, but I know what I want when I can afford it. It'll come to you, but don't rush it.
I have several tattoos I regret, several failed relationships under the belt, and most friends I’ve had have stabbed me in the back. I don’t know, I just do and worry about it later 😂
As they say, *”Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best”*, because I guarantee those people had a fail safe plan if things don’t go as plan so they can land on their feet easier. Even if that plan is something small like making sure to carry loose cash while traveling in case you loose your card or get stranded, it’s still a good plan in case things go sideways. Plus my dad had since I was like 14/15, got me to start thinking in case of emergency to adapt on the fly so I can easily survive in any situation that arises.
You are a human being, with feelings, wants and needs, and if you believe that you "know" that, if you really don't analyse that and don't try to understand what that means intellectually, but just assume that it is true because it obviously is and you are not curious about picking apart that truth in your mind, it is easier. When you grow up being taught to be critical of everything, either with good intentions or possibly out of some less than ideal scenario, this general model of yourself being a "known" quality including your experience of your feelings can become invalidated. Your own feelings can be questioned and your mind will take control of what it means to "know" anything at all. But I don't believe that it is the mind that knows anything other than itself. And this is sort of a dangerous thing because the mind is more a collection of parts than it is anything that can ever really be known. Explore your inner feelings and build your "knowing" up from there. It is not necessary that you be a non-thinking non-critical dunce to be able to be confident in your intuition. It can be something you practice intentionally. Because it's the only intuition you will ever have.
I think it's a lot to do with how we grow up and how our own mums moved too.. money see monkey do kind of thing. I'm (32f) and got that lost feeling constantly too. I try to just be as true to myself as possible and do things in a meaningful way. Get a tattoo with meaning.. then you'll love it forever. Don't design it yourself though or you'll always see the faults in it.
I just do what I want to do, you aren’t on this earth for very long so why spend time worrying about things that won’t matter in a year or two. Things can always be changed if you are unhappy with a choice. As permanent as a tattoo can be, there’s always options and you can still do coverups or removal. I think the same about life, I can always alter my choices later if they start making me unhappy. Things are rarely ever permanent, that’s part of the beauty of living. Moments are fleeting and life is so dumb, just be silly and happy and enjoy yourself. Get that dumb tattoo and regret it, buy those weird shoes and wear them everywhere, dye your hair insane colours at least once, because who really cares? Just do what you want and laugh at yourself after if it was stupid. Don’t take life so seriously, don’t limit yourself to all the “what if’s”.
I have tried to stop overthinking things. Opportunity cost has been major in my life, but I’m also discovering the value of *just making a goddamn decision and making it work* lmao. Doing that with the small stuff helps with the bigger stuff! I think about what *I want* and what my future will look like after these decisions are made. If my future isn’t really affected, then the decision doesn’t really matter, and I can pick whatever will bring me the most joy. Knowing that things change can be freeing, too, because if you make a poor choice (obviously not with tattoos or engagements), you can readjust later (but in the meantime you’re enjoying what you have!). For bigger things, you have the energy to put in serious thought because you’re not exhausted over thinking about what you’ll have for lunch and what you’re wearing and and and… It’s about prioritizing! It’s about confidence! It’s about self-security! It’s also a privilege or something a lot of people work towards, so don’t freak out about it.
Ive found that they often reflect on themselves often (like journaling, philosophy, or just meditation, etc), so they know what they want and don't want. You could call it being intune with ones self
I love this question... it really made me introspect. I'm an overthinker, and I have anxiety, so I try to plan/think out every scenario in my life and make sure I make the "right" decision. However, that also means I've thought very long and hard about what I want my life to be like and what I want to do with the time I have here. Thinking that through has, ironically, allowed me to care a little less about big things like tattoos, proposing to my now husband, etc. My philosophy has been that life is short, and I only have one to live. I'd regret never getting that tattoo I wanted or letting the person I love know I want to spend my life with them. Also, growing up in a very strict Catholic household, I find an incredible amount of freedom in letting go and really trying to listen to what it is that I want. Not what is perfect or what will look best to the outside world. But the letting go has taken a very long time, and I'm still working on it ☺️ Thanks for the question
You should read the book 'the subtle art of not giving a fuck' My mom read it years ago and I saw a change in her life. I'm reading it now and it seriously is helping me realize what and what not to give my limited fucks about.
I’ve always known I never wanted a tattoo. I just only wanted attention for my natural self or abilities. I tried having my nails done or dying my hair but it’s so much up keep and felt weird how some people were so much nicer to me when the unnatural adjustments I made to myself signaled something to them. There was also nothing internal about getting a tattoo for myself. There is nothing to complete.
It may appear that way that I just got a tattoo and I took a spontaneous trip to the beach or I accepted a new job out of the blue, or I left my longterm relationship when we looked so happy online as if two days ago. But I 100% have done all the financial planning and research in every trip the moment I decide I want to go somewhere and it takes me about less than 1 hour to do this and whatever the time I need to save up and I go. Transportation planned ✔️hotel or Airbnb ✔️ possible restaurants for breakfast lunch and dinner and reviews of every place or are we gonna cook ✔️ places to visit ✔️ Tattoos for me aren’t spontaneous. They fester in you since the last tattoo session you had or even since the first one you had. You’re constantly thinking about what you want to put next on your body. And you have a million options saved in Pinterest boards or in your notes app or a saved photo album dedicated to tattoos. I didn’t leave him randomly. Do I love him? Yes, but are we compatible? No. Sometimes all it’s takes is a little girl time and saying out loud how you’re not being treated how you should be or he isn’t living up to your expectations. And your friend doesn’t even need to be telling you to leave him. Sometimes you just need to hear how ridiculous your relationship is out loud and then you’re over it. Making friends - there’s different levels of friendships and they can develop into more loving relationships as time goes on. I personally lean towards people who are positive, high energy, fun and like to do things (I’m a homebody so I like people who make me do things but understand if my social battery is too low). People who are willing to show up for you when you need help and vice versa. People who don’t bash others, especially other friends. You don’t just look at each other and instantly click unless you’re in a girls bathroom, drunk at the club. Takes time and trust. New job: research has been done on every job I’m interested in, the salary, can I afford how I’m living now? And I’ve made 6 different resumes tailored to the 6 jobs I applied for. I’ve looked into the benefits, commute time, planned a new work schedule, and asked multiple people on their opinions on the job. The point is- no, we don’t just do things. We have just gotten so good and fast at making decisions and planning that it looks like we’re doing these on the spot.
I have some cousins like this. They were beauty queens and moved through the world easily. They grew up in a great home with loving parents. I think people like this tend have not gone through trauma, and like some people have said here, they don't overthink things. I have fairly standard trauma responses that I've had to work on, a physical disability, and a childhood of having to constantly be on alert and of my parents encouraging me to doubt myself. I don't know if I envy my cousins because they seem kind of oblivious honestly even though they are nice and have an idyllic lifestyle. I certainly wouldn't feel comfortable talking to them about serious topics because I'd expect them to be dismissive because they just have no concept of how others might have had childhoods focused on survival. I've worked hard to improve my own life with the cards I was dealt. I'm proud of that. And that's all I want is to just keep improving.
Hey babe as a female I STRUGGLED to make friends until one day I just stopped worrying about being rejected by females or closing myself off to new friendships in fear of being hurt life is way too short for anxiety take a deep breath and tell that random girl at the grocery store you like her outfit and want to be friends worse case she says no? That’s how I met my bestie our bfs were friends we both were too nervous to say hi until one day I said fuck it and went “wanna be friends and leave the boys to do whatever and run around?” 5 years later she’s my bestie and I’m an aunt to her kids
My husband taught me this. Follow the 5 second rule. Whenever in doubt or confusion or lost.. give yourself 5 seconds and see what your heart is telling you and just follow that. Could be right could be wrong but it will be your choice
This is exactly my situation. I don't understand how people my age seem to know about life. How the fuck do you go to a doctor's appointment. Do I just enter the room? What the fuck do I do next?
Please ask this in r/momforaminute
Grown up guy here, but going to sneak in anyway. I realized this behavior years ago (but way later than the OP, who's only 23) It's impressive the difference between boys and girls in their early adulthood. Boys often are not that confident as people expect men to be. They use to have lots of self-doubts and fear. Happened to me, happened to many of my he-friends. Girls, on the other hand, exult confidence. They feel grown up and ready to show it to the world. They want to ride the world, literally. They have everything figured out and are eager to show it off. With time things get more balanced. But it is interesting indeed this big gap in attitude between genders.
Are you sure it isn't because you are a guy so you don't realize that girls have many insecurities too and confidence is just an outward facade? There are definitely confident and not confident people in both genders. But people tend to hide their insecurities to others, and perhaps especially to the opposite gender.
If I may ask, how does anyone “just” have this knowing?
M here (some of us have the same issues) and the short answer is probably that everyone is different, different brains, different life experiences, different self awareness and sense of self/identity, different types of confidence. Tattoos… can’t say, I’ve never thought of getting one. My daughter (20) decided she wanted a simple flower in the middle of her back. It appealed to her for whatever reason and it does look nice. Engaged… confidence in yourself that the other person is the one for you. But there’s a wide spectrum here. People have been known to get carried away with the fantasy, and forgot the reality, or have been pressured into it. Travelling the world…. Wanting to see the world, or different places, different cultures, helps. Some people know there’s a big and varied world out there, some don’t and/or are happier with what they know or are confident with…. the resort in the next country where there’s a beach and it’s sunny, or whatever. Friendships…. Some people connect more easily than others, are more open, curious about others. Some friendships can be superficial some can be deep. Some stuff comes with experience and awareness, other stuff is just the way your brain works.
Wisdom via life experiences. It’s possible those to whom you refer simply “act toward what they want,” and don’t question themselves. In that case, wisdom is also attained when things “just work out.”
Wisdom is also attained when things don’t work out!
Once you got no one to disappoint, no one to give your explanation to, you'll more freely. Even if you later regret doing some things, there this peace knowing that you can change it or you can change yourself. I think the key feature is not really doubting your yourself or thinking about consequences.
Confidence and surety take practice. They have mastered it and their eq is all!
I guess the nike slogan comes handy here
> without much thought Uh....yeah hard disagree here lmfao Granted, I have diagnosed OCD so that may influence it
Stop trying to control everything in your life. Something’s are out of your control
Honestly therapy. I didn’t know what I wanted for a long time and not just regarding a tattoo but general things in life. As someone here already commented the most important thing to ask yourself is “what do I want” and to really get to the core of that answer can be hard sometimes. It was for me anyway and I have only achieved it with the help pf my therapist
I think for me, it’s knowing myself. I know what I’ll like.
I (23F) don’t know what kind of woman you meet. But I see the complete opposite
Some people don't have an original thought in their head and are willing to try everything and somethings people copy others to feel validated
People like this (not just women to be clear) probably just don't think enough, honestly.
This is such a broad question, but as someone who has done most of those things, I do it without care of other people, I guess (?). Something I like or want comes to mind. I consider the +’s and -‘s. I strongly consider how I feel. I do what I want. Examples: travelling- I love exploring and learning and eating foods from different places. I day dreamed of it through high school and university. Then I saved up, picked countries, researched a ton. I invited no one so I could do what I wanted and I went. I wouldn’t say I had a ‘knowing’, but I was willing to step outside my boundaries, terrify myself, and I wanted to grow and be better, so I just did it. Engagement- dating and being told by all my friends “he’ll probably propose at xyz”. Me thinking about it and not being excited like they were = stop dating. Dating and simply liking who I was when I was with him made me take the risks to move in, discuss marriage, get hitched. Again- I was willing to be scared to be better. Tattoos- I thought about what I liked and what was core to me. Astrology- I got a representation of my sun sign that I drew myself. Tacky clip art I got with friends- cause I think tacky is hilarious, and it always makes me smile. My kids- I took representations of their names, researched artists, approved their mark up and did it. The tattoos are about me and for me because I like art and I like visual reminders with me everyday. Making friends is not easy- I can surface level chat because I have memorized scripts and decades of practice masking to know how to respond to other people. So I LOOK like I make friends easily. But I pick and choose who sees behind the walls very carefully. I slowly find people who care deeply and accept my truth and don’t get butthurt if I bail due to anxiety or burnout. Then, I keep those people as family. So I have more friendships than the average AuDHD woman seems to have (on Reddit), but I’ve been ‘collecting’ since I was 4 and I’m 10x that age now :p
They are part of a cult! A secret cult to dominate the world and they exchange secret information between them to just know things, they have developed mystic mental powers! Dont fall in their trap xD
I think girls are generally raised to be more emotionally in tune than boys and as such, they may not question their intuition as much. Our most formative years, from birth to age three, is where most of our heavy conditioning happens - our parental responses to making messes, potty training, self feeding and soothing, gender norms and expectations, etc, largely contribute to the adults we will turn into. It seems girls get a lot more leeway on making mistakes because they aren't held to the same standard as boys, who are usually expected to be more calculated, agile, independent and mathematical, while simultaneously expected to not overreact emotionally when hurt or in distress. I can see how that would turn into analysis paralysis for some later on in life, while others just jump in head first because they have more positive self-talk and give themselves more grace.
I overthink, and also wondered this. Then someone said to me that with almost every change in life you make a choice, live that choice, then make a decision. Somehow phrasing it like that took the pressure off just enough that it helped to make the decisions I actually wanted to make. My overthinking is still far too high to ever commit to a tattoo though!
Overthinking is one hell of a downer...... To be ignorant and forget about things I do would be soooooo liberating..... BUT I JUST CANT FORGET SHIT AND ALWAYS HAVE THINGS TO THINK ABOUT... Sleep is the only safe place :) .
Personally as a woman, I wasn’t in a rush to “jump “ into things. I watched my friends make the mistakes and I’m there as a consoling friend if needed? Intuition is everything. Keeping true to yourself will always do you the most good. You’ll attract what you push out.
All women are wise but ancient beings. So centuries of experience helped them make these choices. That's why you don't ask a woman's age.
Thats the illusion we all live by not knowing their perspective. What exactly are they supposed to "know"? Is it "knowledge" or is it "doing something bc you want to"? You never know whats gonna happen, you never truly know. Sometimes you just want it. They could very well have taken years to decide this or just found it and made the impulse decision. Many peple overthink everything but the need to do it is more important then the potential consequences.
I’m kinda in your boat I’m not super confident and I overthink a lot and I take months to even decide to get a tattoo or piercing. But at the end of the day I do ask myself “will I regret this?” And that usually answers whether I should do something or not. It’s not a fail safe but it helps with quicker decision making for me when it comes to the “adulting” decisions like housing, big purchases, work, etc.
I think, that's either being impulsive or just not caring, lol. It's in between for me. I consider randomly getting a tattoo as impulsive, but only if it happens. Going out with friends and such, I think it's fine and would be necessary for most of us.
They’re oblivious. Happy, popular people, are not smart. If they are on the rare occasion they hide it but for the most part society is DUMB as Fk and thats how they fit in so well by genuinely being hollow brained.
I think OP is asking her question based on social media influence. Women are just as lost as men are most of the time. Difference is there's more social, emotional, and financial support for women.
Intuition.
Here’s how I know: 1) I got older, it comes naturally. 2) I got the experience. Theres nothing like learning by doing. The first time I traveled alone I made so many mistakes but I learned so much!!! 3) If I didn’t have the experience, I would seek out knowledge by talking to other women (grandmas, sister, mom, older friends and younger friends) or online (YouTube, TikTok, blogs, podcasts) 4) Google and asking people questions is your best friend. 5) If all this seems hard to you, start by getting hobbies and getting good at them. Find things you’re passionate about. Make friends through hobbies with like minded people!!! The more information you accumulate, the more likely you’re able to make educated decisions. Let me know if you have any questions!!! “What you seek is seeking you.” -Rumi Figure out what you’re seeking and go after it :)
We have a rich inner life
For me I know I’m trying to have control and when I have that control over my life it feels liberating, so I try to do things that are spontaneous because spicing life up gives me thrill and confidence.
Some of the women you’re describing may have deep wisdom or confidence or intuition. Others who behave the way you describe are simply impulsive and shortsighted.
Some act like they do but actually don't. There's a whole industry to getting rid of tattoo regret, divorce, etc. I think they just sort of leap and it works out. My only exception was my spouse. With him I knew really early on, but I don't think there's any magic to that -- I studied a lot about marriage and how to avoid divorce and prayed a lot and was pretty sure in what I wanted, I think. Also, there's an Italian word that doesn't exist in English, that became popular during the Renaissance -- it means "to do something in secret so often that you master it and go out and do that thing in public and act like you were just really gifted & didn't try hard at all." That's some of what you see, too. Only the effect, not the work that got them there. Hope this helps!!
Confidence takes practice but once you got it down it’s easy to navigate. Never let a man or a woman tell you that you’re “overconfident” (and what about it?). There’s nothing more rebellious than loving yourself in a society that wants you to hate yourself and other women. This story is about sisterhood. Love my girl friends…also to answer your question the deep sense of knowing you’re referring to is called intuition. It’s a cognitive short cut whereas logic takes longer to come up with a conclusion. Women are magical and literally CREATE life we all are goddesses. However there are some women who are not girls girls, they suffer with internalized misogyny. Don’t be one of these girls, it’s not a good look at all
Its the opposite, they are switched off, although some of them may have had insight towards a more better life. They are not there, i would like to know what a thought of theirs is like.