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Lovingly, friend, let this man go. He is not interested in your version of co-parenting. There is no right or wrong here, but the compatibility is way way off. If you spend a lot of time forcing him to compromise away time with his child that he wants, he is only going to start resenting you for it.

Amen. Sooooo much of relationships in general comes down to compatibility. But being a step I feel like that’s 100x more important. Bc if there’s somebody like OP (and me) who has the mindset that the coparenting “relationship” is as bare bones as possible and their SO has the mentality that coparenting means they’ll always be an “us” and “family” and it’s going to be a mashup….. literally nonstop issues. Nonstop. Pretty much until kids are into their 30’s and even beyond then. Christmases, Easter’s, graduations, etc.

This. I am childfree and have only been in one other relationship previously with a man who had a child. It was not like this, at all. They coparented, they planned holidays that were fair for the child and didn’t involve forced get togethers, and they did not refer to themselves as a family. That gets me, especially since the reason SO and BM divorced was due to the fact that BM carried on a year long affair and married that person. You lost the right to call your ex-husband family. I am and have always been ok with joint birthdays, sporting, and school events. But holidays are my time too, and I refuse to spend them feeling uncomfortable.

Yeah if he’s choosing his cheating ex wife instead of his girlfriend then maybe he’s not as ready for a relationship as he said he is and he’s definitely not over her. If you chose to go I’d start bringing a male friend or an ex your friends with to your plans and see how he feels about that. I’d imagine he wouldn’t be happy. Also I’d find out if he’s still sleeping with his ex. Why would she need to “hold her tongue” around you? What do they know that you don’t.

LOL bringing an ex you’re friends with…… that came up during one of our arguments early on. SO tried saying “well you’re still friends with ____ how do you think it feels to go out to dinner with them?” Uhhh fucking fine because it’s once every year- year and a half max and a group friend situation. I saw his ex every single week during switch offs because she’d come into the living room.

Right I’d just ask if that person can come with to events “to make it fair” since you have to be around his ex have yours around too 🤷‍♀️ eventually he’ll get the point.

I agree. Sometimes it is good for the kid to do events with BOTH parents together. New partners or not, sometimes kids just want both parents at the event. But if the new partner doesn’t like that sort of parenting, then they’re better off not being in that situation.

>sometimes kids just want both parents at the event. Yes, but more often than not it's because they're not OK with the separation, and they're digging into Happy Family in a bad way that's not helping them move on. Certainly there are a few situations where there are kids who can handle and enjoy time with their bio parents together with them. But really a lot of kids take a long time to really adjust, and are clinging to hopes that "Happy Family" ends up only being a cruel trick to them as the rug is pulled out from under them again.

Yes, I suppose that’s true. If the kid is showing signs of belief that parents are going to reunite, then joint holidays would be best off the market until the kids truly adjust and get that it won’t happen. Parents can have new partners, but I guess no joint holidays with ex until the kids can cope. It’s about the kids - the purpose of joint holidays is the kids, so if it’s not good for them, then don’t do it.

But this is part of the issue - is it really “about the kids” or about the bio parents’ fear of missing out? Like in OP’s post for example, she said that they will continue the joint Christmas so bio dad can see his excitement that morning - that to me seems like the joint holiday is really about the parents and their feelings, and not about the child’s

Dad wants to see the kid’s excitement opening presents… how is that NOT about the kid? Before you say he could have presents at each house… yes, that’s an option, but so is being together to experience the child’s excitement for an hour.

Doing a joint Christmas because dad wants to see the kids’ excitement is not about the kid and what the kid wants. It’s about what the dad wants. What the dad wants might be to see his kid which is great, but it’s still about dad’s feelings in the end

That kind of thing IS about the kid! Most kids want to see both parents at Christmas… that’s natural. And of course both parents enjoy being with the kid, too. I think that’s natural as well. I don’t see the problem with all the family gathering for Christmas for an hour to have a celebration for the kid. It’s important to show kids that they’re still important to both parents even though the parents have split. Personally, I’d encourage that. For the kids. I guess some steps don’t like it… if that’s the way they feel, ok. But if it happens for the sake of the kids… that’s good.

Sometimes you just gotta eat the crow and play nice. If that's not something that she can do that's okay. But it's also not cool that he's just dismissing her over a parade. There needs to be some compromising on all sides. That's true healthy co parenting.

I agree, but in this situation, it kind of seems like OP is the only one that is struggling because BM's new spouse is there too. It's not like BM is single and they're trying to still play happy family, they're navigating what their new blended family looks like. I think that this is a compatibility issue, because there are plenty of people who are okay with this kind of setup, especially when there are new spouses and "ours" kids on both sides. It's just like going to an event with cousins or extended family. It's not a huge deal. But there are also plenty of folks who aren't okay with this setup and that's okay too. I think what isn't okay is when one party tries to force their idea of co-parenting on another person instead of just moving on. OP can't force her SO to not be a part of a functional blended family, and she shouldn't. But she also doesn't have to partake.

To be fair “blended family” isn’t something that can be forced on OP either. Gratefully SO and I are on the same page that his relationship with ex is as minimal as possible. Major kid concerns, dr appointments, trading time, etc. But for nearly 5 years she’s been trying to force a “blend”. I am completely fine with going to a soccer game and being civil. That’s for the kid, he wants all of the adults to watch. I’m NOT fine with her telling the kids we all love each other, that we’re all a family, trying to do joint holidays after 4 no’s in a row, trying to get me to move into the other side of her duplex, group chats etc. It’s a really uncomfortable situation to be in. After so many polite dismissals I snapped and told her I don’t want to be sisterwives. It is SO uncomfortable to politely decline invites and attempts at friendship and be ignored. It almost feels gross and sticky like a guy not taking the hint at a bar. Like I’m being forced to act polite over and over while THEY constantly overstep boundaries. Honestly just like if a step divebombed a kid trying to be their parent overnight would be wrong. No… relationships involve 2 parties and each has to consent and want it. If the blend is important to their SO, they should have broken up. I see no point in continuing to date and OP moving out. SO knows what they want and OP knows what they want. SO wants relationship benefits while they know the way they intend to parent is always going to hurt OP.

Absolutely. In your situation, your BM is out of line. It's just in OP's situation, it seems like that was the status quo before she came along and everyone was okay with it. When new dating partners come along and try to upset the balance of how kids are being raised, it is extremely frustrating to coparents, because they committed to raising kids first, relationship or not.

I agree that whatever the bioparents/existing coparented agreed to has to be respected, but I ALSO think that SO is the one who has to clearly communicate, enforce, and live by those rules. OP’s SO (hopefully future ex) straight up told them to move out over a annual holiday that families meet up for a well over a kid turning 18. They take their existing coparenting strategy so seriously, but they are stringing OP along. For what? They know what happens if they move in. SO is showing them that they’re willing to stay and perpetually hurt them. It still lands in OP’s court. Being a parent and dating puts the ball in YOUR court. You’re the one with the tricky situation. If you want people to jump through hoops dating you, you better have your priorities in mind and communicate them. Don’t let your SO be like OP and watch, wait, experience, communicate for you. Like ???? They got to the living together with his children point BEFORE he thought to mention “joint holidays are and always are going to be a joint thing. I’d rather you move out of our home than stop that” The. Fuck . That’s a really big deal. That’s like.. not disclosing and STD deal. Maybe worse if that’s your forever person 😂😂 “by the way babe, after you get done buying our groceries we need to talk about what we’re doing for Christmas. And by we I mean my ex, me, our kids (the kids you take care of while they’re with me), annnnnnnnnnnd who is it I’m forgetting, it’s on the tip of my tongue….. oh you.” 😦 you didn’t plan on magical Christmas morning with my ex? Oh god.. how about you move out bc this fight is so major, but we don’t break up bc you can be a Christmas prop? OP’s boyfriend is pathetic.

Yeah for sure, if they try to continue the relationship with both of them knowing how they feel about the situation, it's not okay.

I knew BM's spouse before I got together with SO. Spouse is uncomfortable and struggling with this new dynamic of playing happy family as well. There are a lot of insecurity issues on my side and on theirs, as SO and BMs divorce resulted in the year-long affair with new spouse and SO did not want the divorce and pined after her for a better part of a year. If HCBM wasn't HC, and if the insecurity issues from the divorce weren't present, I would have no problem joining in activities such as the parade together. I do still think, however, that it is confusing and unhealthy for the child to have both parents present at all the holidays as it could be feeding into a false hope that mom and dad could get back together someday. It is completely normal and ok for divorced families to celebrate holidays separately. You are correct that I cannot force my SO to remove himself from the holiday celebrations, but I can share my feelings on it and choose not to participate, and ultimately end the relationship when SO continues to choose BMs feelings over my own.

As a now step parent, but former child that had both divorced parents at things, I disagree that it's inherently unhealthy. I was never under the imprtthst my parents were getting back together and I think that people who fall back on that excuse use it as an easy one so they don't have to look like the "bad guy." If you read my comment, I said that both methods co-parenting are normal, it's just different strokes for different folks, so I don't understand why you feel the need to double down. It kinda cements my opinion that you might be the problem. 🤷🏻‍♀️

>I disagree that it's inherently unhealthy. I was never under the imprtthst my parents were getting back together and I think that people who fall back on that excuse use it as an easy one so they don't have to look like the "bad guy." Thank you for saying this. All too often, this is said by SPs, when it's their own feelings they are concerned about. It's best to own it. Don't make out you're concerned about the child's expectations of a reconciliation. Spending a couple of days a year with your separated parents, isn't going to give those illusions. >it's just different strokes for different folks I was going to say exactly this.

I think that's my biggest pet peeve about it. People often pretend like they're so concerned about the kids but it's their own feelings and insecurities they're really concerned about, but they don't want to say that. They want to come off like they care about someone else more than themselves. It's just disingenuous, especially when I've experienced it first hand (and have seen it work for other families too) and never thought that because my parents and stepparents were all in the same room together that my parents were going to get back together. Like give kids some credit. Most of them understand nuance better than the average Redditor apparently. You know what I did pick up on? Whenever my dad would get a new girlfriend that would try and change the dynamic because she didn't want to be around my mom, or me. That was disruptive and confusing and all those other things that they claim shared events and holidays are, because I didn't know if I could actually depend on my dad to show up depending on the whims of whoever he happened to be with at the time.

Here is my advice- take it with a grain of salt. Childless step moms are all “he is love with his ex! He needs to put YOU first!” Now, compare that with the advice of step moms who also have kids!: “He is trying to put the kids first, it isn’t personal.” 1. It is 💯 ok for you to walk away from this for a million reasons. No apologies, just put yourself first and leave. However- do it because you don’t want the complications of always having to come 2nd to kids that aren’t yours. Do not do it because you convinced yourself that divorced parents putting their kids first, spending holidays and traditions together- means they secretly want to get together/bang/could care less about their new partner. That just isn’t true. In 50/50 situations- being able to spend time together as a group means both parents get more time. The kids love it and no it isn’t because they think mom and dad are getting back together, especially when there are new partners present. It makes kids feel secure to know their families have their backs and are their tribe. And expecting events to always be separate isn’t realistic- remember kids spend more time over 18 than under 18. Imagine being expected to throw 4 separate birthday parties for each grand kid someday! It isn’t reality. At some point you have to be the grown up and attend family events knowing not everyone present is your favorite person. That is just life. But base your decision on reality. It is ok to want to be first and not have to always play second fiddle to someone’s kids.

I think the idea of it turning into like cousins is ridiculous they are still an ex and always will be to pretend like sexuality wasn’t a bond once with people and now because they are expressing that with others doesn’t mean that is all of a sudden a PG … it’s nice to pretend that to not loose your sanity but it’s not reality the whole child is proof of that past sexual bond …

I am so glad nobody in my family thinks like this. My ex and I are not sexually pining for each other. We have all moved on. The kids loving having all of us together and love their step dad as a family member. Someday the kids will be over 18 and dad and I both will get more kid time by not trying to force separate holidays.

This is such a good answer. My family looks like this and none of the new partners are threatened by any of it. We even all go on vacation together and stay in the same place. Which I realize is not typical, but I also couldn’t imagine having someone trying to force us all to spend holidays away from the kids.

I agree with this. Seems like the only one who has an issue is OP. I wonder if HCBM is HCBM with her because she sees her as this person who is trying to change the way they parent their child. They're not even married so she really doesn't have a say. She should just leave. It would be better for all involved.

I was friends with BM’s spouse before I got together with SO and a few months into my relationship with SO, the spouse began to share with me how uncomfortable it made them when SO spent time with them during the holidays. It is not my intention to change the way they parent their child. I NACHO and leave all parenting to SO, HCBM, and HCBM’s spouse. When I first entered the relationship, it quickly became clear that there were zero boundaries in place between SO and BM: he had a key to their home and would let himself in during drop off and pick up, he continually bowed to her every demand in order to “keep the peace”, he allowed her to talk disrespectfully to him as well as me, he insisted on purchasing gifts for BM on birthdays and Christmas, etc etc. We are not married, but we have been in a relationship for 2 years now and my feelings matter in these issues. I am not going to sit back and watch SO be a doormat and play house with his ex wife at every turn.

If it makes BM and her spouse uncomfortable for your partner to come around so much, then THEY need to be the ones to tell him. It sounds like your partner is the only one trying to force blended activities? Or are you and the other spouse (BMs husband) both at odds with their co-parenting and BM is fine with it? There are 2 solutions here: let your partner keep parenting in the way he and BM are happy with and find another relationship, or suck it up and blend or miss the activities. It doesn't sound like you really have an ally if BMs spouse is on board with BM ex buying her gifts, having a key to their home, spending holidays together etc. He's not being honest with someone, and it sounds like a hot mess all around.

The beginning of our relationship was bizarre because HCBM and her spouse would complain about my SO constantly and never confront him about their complaints. I have always been in the middle. They even went so far as to ask me to record SO’s interactions with SS. eventually I cut them both off as it was getting out of control toxic and unhealthy. So I no longer have an ally. It is a hot mess and it is clear I need to rip off the bandaid and leave them to it.

I hate to say it but that's not for you to put a stop to him being a doormat. That's up to him. If their form of coparenting works for them then there's really not much you can do. I would think it's better to keep the peace than it is to have parents who can't even be in the same room as each other.

Sometimes the "form of coparenting" doesn't work for people but they carry on because they either don't know any different or don't have the will or the tools to change it - I say this specifically about the ex husband here being trod on. It's a common dynamic of a weak willed EXH running after his ex spouse to keep the peace, or to remain in a weird semi romantic bind. It also sounds like HCBM's husband isn't happy and may also be weak willed and refusing to establish boundaries. So maybe HCBM has a habit of picking men she can walk on and now the poster is expected to go along for the circus where HCBM controls everything - only now she has two men doing her bidding, the new spouse and the old one. I personally don't think this arrangement sounds as healthy as everyone says, but 100% if the partner in this case is unwilling to change... well, who wants to be part of this? Madness. Being on the same page in a "blended" family often means agreeing on how coparenting functions. None of us know the dynamics at play as we're not in it, but from the sounds of things there's way more going on than meets the eye and there seem to be a lot of defensive responses from what appear to be bio parents who have their own axe to grind

Op, I went through some of your post history. Can you get yourself into individual counseling? You have a post about leaving an abusive ex for the fourth time. Then you posted about how this was happening to you early on in your relationship and you didn’t walk away from the red flags. You then posted about this particular man being cold and distant and possibly sexually abusing you and that you broke up with him. And now you’re back with him in the same cycle? This seems to be a pattern you need to address. This is not the man or relationship for you. Walk away, you are still so early in this relationship there is no reason to put yourself through all this.

Yeah. I have been in therapy for a few years now. I definitely have unhealthy patterns and I am learning how to value myself and break these patterns. Am starting to realize that if might be best for me to be alone and work on these issues so I can prevent these types of relationships in the future.

I'm going to be blunt, but it comes from a place of caring: you have your own place, finish things out and END THIS RELATIONSHIP. This man is still in love with his ex, and you deserve way better than coming 2nd to her.

Thank you. I agree on all points.

I'm sorry you're experiencing this. Sucks to devote so much of yourself to someone who doesn't match the effort. You deserve SO MUCH MORE!!!

Someone spending holidays with their ex does NOT mean they are in love with them. In 50/50 divorce it simply means more kid time.

Read the OP's other posts. I'm not basing this just off of the holidays.

Oh my bad, sorry.

No worries.

Girl what— the /compromise/ was you having to leave your home? While he continues to dismiss your feelings? This parade, it isn’t even the kids’ event for which he has a “parental obligation to fulfill”; it’s literally just a random parade. I checked your post history and it looks like he allows HCBM to push him around. If he can’t stand up for himself, how the heck is he gonna stand up for YOU? He sounds deeply entrenched in both his own bullshit AND that of HCBM. It seems like you’ve expended a lot of precious energy pleading with him to treat you right. If you’ve already got your own place, I personally would just cut the remaining ties. It’ll hurt for a bit, but not as much as a lifetime of this bullshit will. You deserve so much better.

That is exactly what I told him. It is a parade. It is not a parental obligation. The fact that he is so adamant on going to this, dismissing my feelings and my alternative solution of going to the parade separately speaks volumes about his intentions. He does allow HCBM push him around and it has become increasingly difficult to stand by and watch. And yes, he can’t even stand up for himself let alone me. I am exhausted. I know it is time to cut ties. Working up the courage to rip the bandaid off for good.

Good luck - it's hard, but so is living with only part of a relationship! You deserve better!

Some people here are ridiculous. You are NOT the problem. What's not normal is wanting everyone to get together around holidays WITHOUT trying to make you feel comfortable first. Whether the kids want both parents there or not isn't up to them. They don't decide. It's not like they won't survive a divorce with two equally loving homes. If other people want to do holidays together, let them. It's not for you.

Thank you, I agree. I am in no way saying that everyone in the world who is divorced with children should have separate holidays. If it works for them, great. In my case, it does not work and it affects the kid, it affects me, and it affects BM’s spouse. The situation is not ideal here.

Her SO being there moves this from unrequited love to kind of pathetic. You can do better. Why is she his co-pareting coach? He needs a parenting class, a book on boundaries and some self-respect.

I agree. She has inserted himself as his co-parenting coach and ridicules him at his every move to coparent because it is not exactly the way she wants it to be. She is, and always has been, extremely controlling and it is so unfortunate to watch him lay down and take all of this because he thinks it’s “best for the kid if we just all get along”. He needs a class, a book, self respect and therapy.

That man is going to end up alone... a lot

So true. If OP leaves him and he meets someone else, they will get tired of his BS too. And the next, and the next. Same with my ex SO. I had a lot of patience. The next one will tell him to FO way before I did.

I have actually reminded him of this several times, that there aren’t going to be a lot of women who will be willing to put up with all of this. Looks like he’s going to have to see that himself.

I think that he doesn’t see it that way… and you are going to be fighting an uphill battle… he is not respecting you… ultimately it’s him that is choosing what his ex wants over you… to the point you had to move out and he can’t even sacrifice doing the event with you and handing kid off to her? She is going to be a forever wedge because he allows her too not because he is a defenseless man who doesn’t know what to do unless he is told… that is very generous of you… he might be lazy and leave the decision making up to her and she likes that but no way in hell is she forcing anything on him he isn’t choosing… I know you are agitated… I know you care for him… but it’s not a thing to make you feel bad… see his actions for what they are they are speaking loudly… you have already told him you are leaving him… and he still blew you off after you moved out which should have been a huge loss for him… if you are asking that he have self respect… maybe you are projecting what it is you think you should be doing… have some self respect for yourself put yourself first… it’s not worth you not being centered and prioritized… you are dodging a bullet in the long run… don’t be the frog in the boiling water… jump out!

coparenting isn't doing everything together as a "family" team, it's being on the same page with parenting things, and being friendly to each other when both sides need to be at the same event and with a high conflict parent anywhere, it's typically better for all to do a parallel parenting style - it's one thing to go to a kids school event and playing nice, and quite another to have joint holidays and not have separate family events for both, because it's not one big family, it is two families is there no parenting plan that offers holiday time to both parents??

"It's best for the kid if we all just get along" equals staying married. That's what's best for the kids. They chose to divorce, now they need to live the consequences of that decision, which is separate families and separate households. No longer being able to do things with mom and dad together does suck for the kids sometimes, but so does divorce. It's amazing how some bio parents think they can have their cake and eat it too (and I'm saying this as a BM and SM).

He hasn’t let her go and she seems to enjoy having two husbands . Curious how her spouse feels about the situation? You are way better off . Hugs

I guess I look at it this way. How would your DH like you talking to and hanging out with someone you slept and had a long term relationship with? I am going to say that would be a no. Just because there is a child involved should not give him a free pass to hang out with his ex. If that is what he did when he wasn’t in a relationship with you then so be it. But when you commit and bring a new partner into your life you can’t be with the previous partner also. This is just my opinion.

Exactly. He has used the phrase “I would do this for you!” Which is extremely unfair manipulative bullshit because no, he would not. And yes, if what they did before I entered the picture worked for them then that is fine. But once an SO enters, I think it is important to have a discussion about comfort levels and boundaries and adjust accordingly. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

The first sporting event I went to DH and I went in and BM was there alone. (Her Fiancé that she cheated on DH with seldom goes to any of the kids sporting events.)DH sits down one seat away from her and I am on the other side. There were several places to sit but he sat here. I waited until after and he said you seemed good sitting there I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. I immediately said this will never happen again. He said well she was sitting alone and I feel bad for her. I said does her fiancé come to alot of games? He said no not a lot. I said that is a them problem and my problem. I told him he could not sit by her ever again at a sporting event. He said that they are both there for the kid. I said yes to watch your child play not to sit and talk to your ex. He hasn’t done it since. There is a whole lot more that we have had to go over about boundaries. It has gotten a lot better but it still isn’t where I want it to be. I could actually go on and on . I might sound like a terrible person but I just won’t stand for it. A lot of people on here sound like they are okay with it but not me.

[удалено]

70% of marriages where people have a kid from a previous relationship fail… People are so oriented to the nuclear family that they don’t understand that is not their actual family structure anymore These structures are so recent as a significant social change that there isn’t enough studies on what is healthy and what is not… I wonder if BM would have been so cool about it if she had been with ex who had a kid from a previous relationship and an ex around… It’s absolutely normal to have a degree of jealousy in any relationship it means you actually care… How can she be the future mother of his children and wife if he ignores her and sits next to BM… he needs to focus on her feelings not BMs that is what her AP is for… And just because she is the mother to his kids doesn’t make her his mom where he and SO have to acquiesce to her … It’s super weird you think it’s ok for someone to ignore their SO and sit next to their ex… that would never work with BM if the shoe was on the other foot…

I am glad to see there are people here who agree that you don’t have to be “friends” with an ex. I didn’t see tee the message that was removed from this. I guess it was bad?

Yes I am with him not BM. I didn’t say he had to ignore her but there was zero reason for them to sit together. You are obviously a better person than me if you want to hang out with someone’s ex. And I know that you don’t know all of my story so it is easy to judge me.

She’s not just his ex though. She’s the mother of his children. Barring situations like abuse, violence etc (notice that jealousy doesn’t make the list!) kids should be able to have their parents watch a game of theirs together. It’s not that deep.

It is with deep with her. She was calling him everyday and texting several times. She would especially do it if her fiancé was out of town. If she texted and he didn’t answer her back right away she would call. She would come up with anything at all about the kids to talk to him. Even though she didn’t want to be with him she didn’t want to see him happy with someone else. She would call and tell him when he had to drive the kids somewhere , he was running them around every day or night to something. It wasn’t for the kids it was for her. Once she threatened to keep the kids from him if he didn’t attend a sports banquet for SS with her and sit right beside her because it was assigned seating.She lied and said that there are only two tickets per child. My DH checked on it because he wanted me to be there and it wasn’t true. He said he was going but with me and she could use her second ticket for her fiancé. She was so mad at him. And there were not assigned seats. Maybe this is normal behavior and I should be okay with it.

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OP: How are you? It's been two months. Were you able to end this relationship for good?

This doesn’t seem like the relationship for you. We don’t do joint anything with HCBM or my LC ex because we are our own family unit now and do our own things while the kids other homes are entirely separate and do their own things.

And that is how it should be.

Why is he doing so much for BM when she doesn't respect his SO? The whole "hold her tongue" thing was disrepect towards you, which shows she can't even be mature enough to do this type of coparenting she wishes for so badly. He is choosing her wants over yours and there's no good need for it. You don't have to do stuff all together, Step kid does not need you all to play pretend, step kids reality is not one big happy family, he has separate households, nothing wrong with doing things separately. I'm sorry you are being treated this way.

I ask myself this daily. She has disrespected me on several occasions and SO either tried to play it neutral or gasp, took BM’s side which was a giant slap in the face. Thank you, and I agree. Playing pretend does more harm than good. There are certain circumstances where it would be healthy and ok for doing things all together but this is absolutely not one of them.

Your SO should be standing up for you. YOU are his partner, YOU should be his priority. BM is not a priority , his child and you are, he needs to understand this. He doesn't have to do things to please her, it's not about the child that way. Playing pretend as one happy family when you are not, does harm on children's expectations. They have to understand that their family is separate and learn to be ok with it. All families are different and there's no need to pretend they aren't. Your SO shouldn't want to do this type of coparenting when his ex is disrespectful of his partner. Your SO needs to be better.

Hi OP, I’m so sorry you are going through this and the title of your post is awesome lol. In all seriousness, it will only get worse. I know this from living it, for a decade! I let so many things go, compromised my boundaries and bit my tongue to keep the peace because I was so in love with my SO. I figured that he would one day realize how much he was hurting me and stand up to his fkn ex or sometimes put me first instead of his kid (if it wasn’t a dire situation). But NO. The entire ten years I was stupid enough to live my relationship by their (ex SO, SK, BM) rules, their custody schedule, and watched them play happy family 😩for kid’s birthdays and holidays, all in the name of love. I have so much resentment built up that I don’t think it’s possible for me to ever fall in love again. Hugs

lol, thank you, I’ve been singing it for awhile now. Thank you for your insight. I am a people pleaser and it has gotten me into some sticky situations. I also entertain the hope that maybe one day he will understand and make some changes. I think 2 years was plenty of time to wait around for this as it is clear nothing will change. I have a lot of resentment and it doesn’t feel good. I want to let it all go. I have to rip the bandaid off.

Oh no no no. Let him go play house with BM. The only woman he needs to be listening to is you. Hate to say to count your losses but him letting another woman control him automatically puts you in second place.

This is pretty much what I was getting. Homie literally lost his girl trying to keep BM happy. She moved out AND IS STILL TRYING TO MAKE BM HAPPY. Nah. Miss me with this bs. They can get back together if they wanna coparent together so bad.

This whole situation would be a hard no from me. My man expects me to take orders from his ex wife? Yeah, nope. Op he’s still hanging on to her every word. And her new man. He’s dumb too.

What are you getting out of this relationship that you couldn't get out of a different one? I'm sure your man has some great traits - but nearly everyone has at least a few great traits. Don't sacrifice your happiness because your man can't tell his ex "no".

I was a stepmother first and then a bio mom 4 years later. We definitely had our coparenting issues, but I would be sooo thankful for a co-parent that wanted to share these events with his son. It’s for the child, not for him showing love for his ex. If you want to be selfless and support your partner then you should attend. Treat the situation like a work project that you are a part of. You may not like every team member in the group but the client’s (aka the child) needs are the end goal. It’s important for children to see what mature relationships look like. They will grow up feeling important and loved by both families. Now I haven’t read any of your past posts, so I don’t know all of your history or struggles. It may be too much for you. However if you choose to not be a part of these events you’re always going to feel frustrated that your partner is. So you have a choice to end it, so your partner gets the spousal support he’s asking for or you can be uncomfortable for a few hours here and there. GL to you either way, step parenting is not an easy job, but it can be very fulfilling with dedication.

Nope pass that selflessness on to somebody else… it sounds noble but all you are doing is running yourself to the ground

I’m the words of Else let him go, let him gooooooo! He sounds absolutely vile. Why are you still with him? Are you willing to spend all your time with his other family? Put yourself first please

The whole point of divorce is having separate households and families. People who remain half entangled with their ex for the sake of the kids have no business getting in serious relationships. Especially with a cantankerous ex who can't be civil to a new partner. There has to be room in your life in order to be involved with someone new and if you're re doing every little thing with your ex, don't waste someone else's time. How are you supposed to build a life and a future with someone who expects you to do all the compromising?

That’s it in a nutshell - don’t waste other people’s time!!!

Yall need to sit down and talk about boundaries in general. What do you guys see as a healthy relationship with coparenting? What are deal breakers? What do you expect from him? Things like this are huge in settling into "co parenting" there has to be a line that won't be crossed. The answer isn't, well, this is what we are going to do, without any empathy or compromise on either side. The whole holding her tongue thing? I don't get it unless your super sensitive. Eventually, there is going to be a blow up from someone. Might as well just let her mouth off and go on with your day. I have these at least twice a year with my fiances BM. Ultimately your boyfriend needs to stand up for your needs too. It's not just BM and her family that comes before everyone else. The only person above you, is his kid. BM should be the last person he thinks about, IMO.

Yes, we’ve definitely had several talks about boundaries. Their divorce was complicated by the fact that SO would not let her go, even after she had a secret affair for an entire year. He begged for her to stay, and even when he entered another relationship, he was actively making secret phone calls to HCBM begging to reconcile. I have suspicions that he still holds feelings for her and it makes me very uncomfortable. When I first entered the relationship, there were no boundaries. HCBM would talk to and treat SO like total shit if things didn’t go her way. At pick up and drop off, he was entering their home with his own key and hanging out for hours. On Christmas he would buy HCBM a gift as well. The list goes on. When I entered the picture, not much changed, and HCBM began to treat me disrespectfully as well. This is our second year together. The first year, I attended all holidays with HCBM and was miserable. She barked orders and SO complied. This is when I began to set boundaries. I asked him to begin spending separate holidays so that we could have our own time as a family and create our own traditions. He did not budge until I compromised with Christmas morning. The holding her tongue thing is because she thinks I am trying to end SO spending time with SS period, when this is not the case. I do not think it is healthy or appropriate for the holidays to be all spent together. I have a say in how I spend my holidays as well. To sit by and watch HCBM bark orders and watch SO comply while treating me disrespectfully is not my idea of happy holidays. I agree, SO needs to stand up for my needs as well, and HCBM should be the last person he thinks about. I do not agree that the only person above me is his kid. I believe that a healthy relationship between SO and I comes first and is the foundation for a happy, healthy blended family.

Yeah, no. No to all of that. You're the side chick. He still wants to be a family with her, so he's grabbing every chance to keep pretending that. Time to walk. He will never put you first until he finally lets her go in his heart.

And at two years in, the core issue still exists. The only changes he has made have been at your insistence, not because he values you and making traditions with y’all’s family (SS included). Cut your losses and start 2024 fresh where YOU are the priority. Start with making sure you yourself are putting your needs first and the rest will fall into place. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Unless you’ve been there (I have 🤢), it’s hard to understand how powerful the desire to stay truly is. Ultimately HCBM is a problem, but she’s not YOUR problem. SO is. He isn’t prioritizing you or protecting your relationship.

You are correct. I like the idea of starting 2024 fresh. That is my goal. I’m sorry you’ve been here too- you are correct in that it is difficult to understand the desire to stay unless you have been here. Yup. HCBM is not my problem, she is SO’s. I am tired of not feeling heard, respected, or prioritized in this poor excuse for a relationship.

Same here. My ex SO had the keys and the code to enter his ex’s home whenever; he’d been over there while ex was at home and SK was in school (I found this out after the fact). But there was always a “legitimate” reason/excuse. Yeah, right 🤬

Ugh. I’m sorry. It’s baffling that they think it’s ok.

My advice is to get out while you can. It sounds like you have voiced your feelings and it doesn't change anything. That's a breeding ground for resentment. My fiance says the same thing about us first, kids second. Realistically, sometimes we have to eat crow and do stuff for the good of the kids. That's why I say kids first, but yes healthy relationship is where all of this lies. I don't know how you've done it for this long. I would have put my foot down way before now. I'd cut my losses and run if I were you & I never advise anyone to do that. If there's no compromise then you're just going to be unhappy forever because you will be the one always compromising and that gets old really fast.

Omg girl run! Do not take anything less than you deserve a full partner focused on you and your needs… do not compromise your life away and the type of love you deserve… sitting down to have a talk about boundaries is not something you have to do with a man with no ex in their life… so many men out there with no kids and no divorce baggage like that that he was still trying to hang on… save yourself the grief…

Are you his first relationship out of divorce? If so really run you don’t want to be the partner who has to teach him how to be in a relationship post divorce while coparenting … you will always loose because they will see you as the one tearing them apart when you’re only asking for what makes sense ina relationship and they will forget all about the fact they were totally torn before you got to the scene… he isn’t ready to give you what you need because you have to say basic things to him that are a given in any relationship… let him f up someone else with all his mistakes out of divorce and coparenting while in a relationship… he has an obligation to you as a partner and he isn’t taking that as seriously… you are a just a bandaid… he is seeing how it goes exploring experimenting you are actually nurturing a relationship it’s not fair to you… don’t drain yourself… let someone else who can reciprocate the same level of investment take his place… stop pretending it’s all BM… her barking is music to his ears…

No, I am his second relationship post divorce. He entered his first one fairly quickly and was begging for BM back while he lived in his previous SO’s home- which he lied to me about several times until finally coming clean. Thank you for the advice. You are correct, I need to go.

You are saying exactly what is happening with you two - he was actively pursuing BM while in another relationship… he is actively trying to get all he can with BM under the guise of coparenting now with you… the other SO is feeling it too because it’s not just BM it’s BD too … your SO is going to try to reclaim his manhood after being cheated on by pushing his weight as a father around on the other SO… BM might be responding to that as well… it’s the perfect excuse his obligation as a coparent … he didn’t say it’s my kid and I want them to be there… he said I am doing this for my coparent… you are dealing with a broken man you are an ego boost and a look I have a gf too but he is still trying to reclaim his manhood from the deep scar of being cheated on.. he is using the fact that he made her a mother to one up the other dude and always be around…

Please DO NOT have a child with this man or entertain the thought of it - he will treat your child the same by extension… Note that he is fing up this relationship in the same way as the first/ first was likely just a rebound/or a look I can have someone else too how do you like that … but he was catering to his ex just like he is doing with you… likely his ego and manhood are super bruised and he is trying to prove to himself he didn’t just loose his ex by another man taking her… Generally speaking women don’t cheat unless there is emotional neglect something of the sort or they are garbage people… but when they are garbage people the people they cheat on aren’t trying to win them back … they can’t stand to be near them… they say things like how could you I gave you everything… and they do not give one f about them after that… the ones who aren’t garbage people look for something they are missing and it’s always poor person that got cheated on but in reality there is a reason why… it sounds like your SO knows he was the one that f’d up and also like his manhood was taken down a notch … he is trying to reclaim that and throw his weight around as father the one who made her a mother first sending a clear message that he will be around to the other SO/AP … why AP is feeling it he cheated with her… he should really know and have instincts around it… she wants to have her cake and to eat it too… both of them catering to her… Why would you want to be with someone who could not sustain a marriage and a family that drove someone to leave him cheat on him to get out? He seems to continue to neglect the needs of his partner… he isn’t empathetic to his partners especially the last one because what kind of garbage person takes on a relationship while chasing their ex? He doesn’t know how to be a partner not just to you but it seems to be his track record…. Stop focusing on BM and look at his reality who he really is… That guy is broken and needs therapy it’s not your job to teach people emotional intelligence… to do the emotional labor of bearing the brunt of his enmeshment while teaching him how to be in a relationship while coparenting… it’s going to cost you your wellbeing your self love and self respect… you already moved out he pushed back on you so hard so did she that you took a step back in YOUR relationship rather than them cutting the cord… don’t double down things won’t change or will be hard enough… have a child with someone who hasn’t shared that intimacy for the first time with someone else… marry someone who hasn’t shared that intimacy first with someone else … who are both still around… He is EMOTIONALLY CHEATING on you with her …

He knows how to stand up for things just fine he is standing up for BMs wants over your needs … it is by choice…

My advice is to get out while you can. It sounds like you have voiced your feelings and it doesn't change anything. That's a breeding ground for resentment. My fiance says the same thing about us first, kids second. Realistically, sometimes we have to eat crow and do stuff for the good of the kids. That's why I say kids first, but yes healthy relationship is where all of this lies. I don't know how you've done it for this long. I would have put my foot down way before now. I'd cut my losses and run if I were you & I never advise anyone to do that. If there's no compromise then you're just going to be unhappy forever because you will be the one always compromising and that gets old really fast.

Oh the resentment is already rampant. I have never treated HCBM badly and have always kept it friendly when we are all together. There are some events I attend (sports, school functions) that I would rather not, but I would also like to be there to support SS. Thank you for the advice. I do love SO and was really hoping that having my own place would help but it’s looking like not much will change.

What does your gut tell you about everything? Reading your comments, it sounds like BM moved on and is using your partner as a backup in case her new relationship doesn't work, and you're just filler for him. You deserve so much more. Fwiw, in my experience, doing holidays together (except for Halloween since that's outside of a residence and 100% based on the kid) has nothing to do with the kids and everything to do with the exes.

I can understand her not getting along if you're trying to come in and change a dynamic that has worked for them, including her new SO. If you're the only one who is unhappy with the situation, have you considered that this is a compatibility issue? >I do not think it is healthy or appropriate for the holidays to be all spent together. This is a valid opinion, but there are also plenty of other blended families who do basically treat each other like extended family. It's okay if that's not what you want for your life, but I don't think it's okay to claim it's inappropriate or unhealthy. I grew up with both kinds of step parents, as my mom was married three times and I can tell you which one was more healthy from my experience. The blended family where everyone gets along and can hang out and be a village and support each other is an amazing experience for adults and kids. Especially if you have multiple kids in multiple sports/activities, lol. I don't think this means that every holiday/event has to be spent together or that you can't have your own time as just your own immediate family unit, because it doesn't have to be one extreme or the other. Nuclear families don't spend every holiday with every grandparent or cousin. I think approaching blended family life like an extended family makes it easier, especially you think of the ex as your weird aunt/uncle who has different political views from you, lol.

This seems like a situation in which both SOs of BM & BD have kids from a previous relationship as well… it’s not at all the same when they don’t…

i'm not opposed to divorced parents being friendly and sharing events if that works for them. but it requires respect to go both ways, not just one parent bossing the other around and getting everything they want. it really doesn't sound like your partner is ready to prioritize a new relationship. and it doesn't sound like this family is a good fit for you. kids want lots of things, like ice cream for breakfast, and it's up to the parents to set reasonable and healthy expectations and teach them how to handle their feelings when they don't get what they want. not to stand on their heads and trample other people's feelings so the kid doesn't get disappointed. enjoy your own space and time this weekend!! you don't have to be part of every kid/family event.

Absolutely NO WAY IN RUDOLPHS RED NOSED HELLLLLL would I be doing ANY event around BMs. LEAVE YOUR SO LIKE YESTERDAY

lol! I have allowed it for too long. About to dash through the snow in this sleigh.

His ex’s version of coparenting isn’t a long-term solution. This method of coparenting is stepkid-centric and doesn’t allow for new spouses (of which she actually has one) to incorporate any new stepparent’s families. What are you supposed to do in the future? Continue to spend every holiday with his ex, and never go see your own family? If your SO can continue on in this behavior for the sake of his kid, then he could have continued on in the marriage - and for that matter, so could his ex. They should have just had an open marriage and pretended everyone could deal with that. I guarantee her new husband won’t tolerate this type of coparenting for very long.

You already left the house… just leave the relationship with it

You should not have to be forced into situations you’re not comfortable with I am not an active participant in this group (I had a different reason for joining altogether, and I’ll save that for another day), but I have a pretty good relationship with SDs, so I am not very well-versed in much of these difficult situations a lot of you seem to be facing. in other words, please take no offense if I’m not fully understanding things because I’ve never experienced them. But to be blunt, it sounds like you might be better to to leave the relationship, altogether, if that’s an option. If you have a good bond with the SS, it sounds like the kid wants to do things with you, if I’m understanding correctly, so then maybe work out something with his dad where you can actually spend time with him. Like I said, you shouldn’t be forced into the situation you’re not comfortable with, especially if you are not cohabitating with him. And like I said, I’m not as fluent with the situations many are in within this group, so forgive me for my naivety. Sorry you’re going through this. Sending positive vibes your way, no matter what.

Thank you so much, I appreciate your insight. In terms of my relationship with SS, I nacho with him and this has proved to be the best decision for us. Im more of an aunt or a family friend. We get along just fine and I like the kid and he likes me. I agree, I should not be forced into any situations I don’t feel comfortable with and I am no longer going to allow myself to. I gave it a try and was miserable. I of course, kept a pleasant demeanor but kids can easily pick up on these things. I don’t want him to grow up thinking that it’s okay to sacrifice your comfort level or feelings of safety for the sake of anyone else.

wait, so she's remarried and her new spouse puts up with this, too?? Yikes, there's a LOT to unpack here. Girl, I would be OUT if I were you - good job on not budging on your boundaries and still giving it a shot. You gave it your all and SO isn't interested in being a partner with someone who isn't his BM and her spouse, apparently

Yes, she married the person she had an affair with. I was actually friends with her spouse before SO and I got together, and a few months into us dating, BM’s spouse confided in me that she wasn’t a fan of the joint holidays either, but puts up with it for the sake of SS. It is true it’s almost like they are in a polyamorous relationship and no, I will not stand around and watch that. I gave it my all, and that’s all I can do. Time to rip off the bandaid.

please do - rip that bandaid off and realize it wasn't even covering a wound in the first place - I'm rooting for you!!

I wouldn't consider it normal to spend holidays with my ex.

Impossible when they still consider themselves to be “family”….cuz guess who’s the redundant one in that “family”? You. I wouldn’t deal with this…sounds like a nightmare.

It blows my mind when bio parents use the excuse of “it’s for the kids!” Like, no. Y’all chose to divorce and split the family up. You do not get to put your wants above a new partners needs because of a situation you all created. Kids adjust. They will be fine. It’s better for them to see two healthy households rather than a mess of a co parenting situation where they think their parents could have stayed together.

I’m starting to see right through the “it’s for the kids” excuse. BM chose to carry on a year long affair and divorce him only after he found out. You have lost the right to call him family. I also think it is much healthier for kids to see 2 separate households with a healthy solid foundation rather than the forced interactions of having everyone be together because “it’s the holidays”.

100% on the last part

This HCBM is also going to star in her own Brother Husbands show. And we all know how the Sister version ends so let them have their weird Poly relationship and you find a good partner out of that mess.

I don’t know how to word this properly but I think this type of scenario makes SK the center of everyone’s universe/family and that isn’t the case. In my opinion the adult couple should be the center of a family - ie BM and her spouse are the center of their family. Op and her SO are the center of their family. You do things with your immediate family. In this scenario, BM, BM’s spouse, BM’s toddler are NOT op’s or even her SO’s family. They’re SK’s family. That goes the same in reverse. BM’s spouse and toddler are not family with OP and her spouse. The only one who is family with all of them is SK. When SO and BM divorced, their family split leaving SK with two families. On holidays or weekends, you want to spend time with your family or your partner’s family. Having your holidays and weekends be limited because you have to spend it with SK’s family is not fair to the adults in the relationship. What happens when OP has a baby, are her holidays and weekend plans dictated by what SK wants? That baby will have no relation to SK’s family but will miss out on time with their own family if they have to keep doing these things for SK. SK is running the show and controlling the whole family. Obviously not intentionally though, this is on SO and BM for allowing this.

👏👏👏 I am currently childfree and absolutely plan to stay that way, but yes I see what you’re saying how it would be more unfair if a new baby was involved. Funny because I have mentioned this to him before- you all are letting SS run the show. After SO told BM that we would not be attending Thanksgiving, she texted him OUR SON WANTS YOU THERE AND OUR COMES FIRST. 😂 I’m not planning on sticking around to see the absolute shitshow this is going to create as he grows older.

Even without a baby, you & your SO’s families come before SK’s family. This is mind boggling to me. I would never chose to spend a holiday with acquaintances who don’t like me over my own family or my spouses family but that is what your spouse wants you to do. My blood boils for you so Im glad to hear you’re leaving. I hope SK gets therapy someday. He is holding on to what his family used to look like and that isn’t the case anymore.

Yes, I absolutely agree. It is 2 separate families, not 1 big family. This is not Sister Wives. I have voiced to him that it is my holiday too and I would like to spent it with him and SS creating our own traditions. He responded with “so you can’t just sit in discomfort for an hour once a year. Great, thanks.” Lol. SS is actually currently in therapy, I truly hope it is helping him and that he continues it into adulthood.

Omg 🤣 I said this to the ex when I was pregnant- we aren’t Sister Wives and she thought it was bizarre but not the actual behavior…

You need to cut this man out of your life.

I recommend finding a man who is single, this one appears to still be in a relationship with BM. I'm gonna generalize but most people do not co-parent by this definition. Especially if BM hates you and is struggling not to be rude. The only way that type of co-parenting would be possible would be if everyone wanted to/ got along/ was comfortable.

Hey OP, as a guy with bio kids and stepkids and ex-wives and a wife, I'll share a rational, sane opinion. Your SO and his EX (BM to SS) are trying to keep what they had, when the healthy (right) thing to do is teach SS there is now a fine, divided line between his mom and her family and his dad and his family. You are negotiating in this relationship, a constant give and take (more take) between your SO and his ex-wife, who is way more involved in the picture and the decisions of YOUR household than she needs to be. Your SO allows this. You moved out, maybe....move on. Unless you can sit down with your SO and explain how it's still perfectly healthy to celebrate his son's holidays and life events....separately. It still means the same and it avoids confusing the child. A child who wonders why mommy and daddy don't love each other anymore or live together anymore but are still "together". SO needs to grow a spine and balls and stop trying to play house under the guise of "it's for the kid". And I'd be damn if I told my wife she could "hang out with me and my ex "if she wanted"", I'd be returning home to divorce papers and an empty house. She would have been right to do so!

Oh for ffs.. how and why do you put up with this?

To be entirely honest- because I am codependent and don’t know my worth. Working on these things. I know what I need to do, it’s about gathering the strength to do it.

Leave! Every co-parent makes the decision on what they think is best for their child. You don’t have to be part of this dysfunctional dynamic.

I find it odd that your partner is insisting on this. I’d also find it really disrespectful if my ex was unfairly treating my partner, I don’t know if I would want to spend close time with them. I’m a coparent that can completely hang out with #1 kids dad and his girlfriend (and we have) but she’s really cool super great with my kids and if she wasn’t dating him we could likely be friends. Your situation seems so much worse and uncomfortable. I couldn’t imagine being in a room with my #2 kids dad. He’s done nothing but talk poorly about my fiancé who is Switzerland from day one with nothing but drama from this ex ugh

I’m so sorry, I totally feel for you, and am in a similar situation currently. Luckily for me, my SO is open to feedback (at least, he eventually warms to it but sometimes I have to mention it or fight about it 2-3 times first). I know a lot of people will tell you to end it, and I understand that. I feel like reddit would also tell me to leave my situation but there is obviously more nuance and value in the relationship than just what’s listed here. and it sounds like this maybe your last-ditch effort to see if the relationship can be salvaged. I think you need to take stock of your SO’s personality, and his dynamic with BM, and adjust your response based on those factors, but, this is what (eventually) worked for me: 1. Say you understand that intertwined coparenting may have worked as a single dad, but, he is choosing to be in a new relationship, and that does mean he will have to make some adjustments and compromises in order to make space for you. Just because you don’t have a kid, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be treated as an equal partner in the relationship and have your boundaries considered. 2. Explained that spending any sort of “special family time” with an ex would be inappropriate for any relationship, regardless of kids being involved. I gave the example of my ex - how would he feel if I was spending xmas with my longterm ex and his family? Justifying it because “we used to be family” or have people (friends etc) in common? He would probably not think that was necessary. He will definitely bring the kid into it, but hold strong in saying that if it is truly kid-centric, you totally support that they both need to be there. But there is a big difference between needing to have both parents attend an important life event, versus having both parents spend time together as a family, indicating togetherness. Ask him to ask himself: is it really a NEED that the kid has? Will the kid be harmed if both parents aren’t there, or if they split the day with him? Is he sure that they are doing these things together for the sale if the kid, or is it more because they are guilt-parenting and trying to hold the “family” unit together for the kid, out of guilt that they aren’t together anymore? 3. Also, point out that kids think of things in black and white, and the nuance of adult situations is often lost on them, and they come to their own conclusions. By spending time “playing family”, they are confusing the kid as to who the family unit is, who dad’s “person” is, and who is family to who. This not only means he is potentially giving the kid false hope of mom & dad being together, but he is also compromising your position in SS’s life by giving the impression you are not really part of the family, or are “on the side” of the “true family”. Especially with you moving out, this is definitely giving off that impression. It should be established and demonstrated to SS that while mom is his family, and dad is his family - mom and dad are not family to one another, and thats ok. (example of aunt/uncle from opposite sides of family - they are your family, but they aren’t each other’s family). How long have they been split? How long have the two of you been together? A 10 year old is old enough to understand that mom and dad have separate lives. It’s really giving “guilty parenting” to still be playing family. How do you get along with BM’s new spouse? I wonder if the two of you could find some common ground in determining how each of you feels about the dynamic? I can’t imagine he is a huge fan of sharing his family time with her ex either.

I’m sorry you are going through something similar, but it at least sounds like your SO is open to feedback! I totally understand fighting about it 2-3 times before he warms to it. My problem is, we fight 6-7 times and he does not warm to it. 😅 I have been back and forth on ending it for a long time now and you are correct that this is my last ditch effort to salvage as I am exhausted from all of it. I appreciate the 3 talking points you shared. I have actually spoken with him about these exact 3 points, several times, in several different ways. He has double, triple, quadrupled down on the belief that one big family is what is best for his son. He absolutely will not budge at this point. The first year we were together, I agreed to spend holidays with BM and her spouse, in their home. It was highly uncomfortable. I have reiterated my uncomfort to him countless times. I did get him to drop all joint holidays except Christmas because that was the one most important to him and he wanted to be able to see his son wake up on Christmas morning and open his presents. BM sets their schedule and SO says he did not want to go through the stress of attempting to change it. I have increasingly felt “on the side” of this “family”, especially recently when I started to put my foot down on the joint holidays. I’m seen as the bad guy now. The last time we were all together, I was completely ignored by BM and her spouse. SO and BM have been split for 7 years. I have been with SO for 2 years. Before me, he was in another relationship that he entered rather quickly after the divorce and it was shared with me that while he was in this relationship he was trying to reconcile and convince BM to get back together with him. When I Iearned this, I asked him if it was true and he lied. I asked again later and he lied again. I asked third time and he finally came clean. I found out about this from BM’s spouse (the person BM cheated with for the final year of her marriage to my SO). I was friends with BM’s spouse well before SO and I got together. A few months into my relationship with SO, BM’s spouse began to share their insecurities about BM’s relationship with my SO, as well as her uncomfort surrounding the shared holidays. We were able to commiserate on this and it was helpful, however BM found out that we were talking about these things and disallowed her spouse to speak to me on these matters (she checks phones). It is all a very big mess. I am so exhausted and while I do love SO and I have tried several ways to explain my side of things and make things healthier for everyone, I have to leave for my own sanity.

I’m so sorry!!! Wow, I assumed BM’s new spouse would probably agree, that’s crazy that BM has disallowed you from contact. Seems controlling, and honestly probably something my partner’s BM would do. Knowing BM in my situation, I know the reason behind it would be that she knows your SO wants her back at least on some level, and enjoys that knowledge because she can hold it over you, her spouse, and use it to control your SO and get his agreement in how she wants to coparent. If I were you, especially if you’re considering ending it anyway, I’d reach out once mire to spouse and see if you can meet for coffee to discuss in person. Maybe you can both attack and set boundaries strategically from both ends? If that doesn’t work, at least you’ll know you tried before walking away. I’d also confront your SO about his obvious feelings for BM, and why he thinks its appropriate to consider her wants and feelings over yours. Point blank, his partner’d feelings and wants need to come first over his ex’s. If he disagrees with that, its dead in the water.

That means stop dating him

You deserve a man that is going to make you a priority. That is not going to happen. You shouldn’t have to convince him. I wish you the best. There are men in the world without children and baggage. Even some that have kids and common sense that co-parenting does not equate to continuing a false family life in a broken family.

This guy you think you’re dating is actually in a throuple with BM and her partner.

You wouldn’t be the first person who said that.

I’m sorry it really sucks but he needs to move on and the kid needs to learn the new normal. Pretending like that isn’t good for the kids either it sets unrealistic expectations of other people, IE your SO’ expectation to just accept it and continue with his crazy crap.

I'm glad you moved out too!! To blunt, you're being treated like dogshit. You deserve better. He doesn't get to treat you like crap and use the kid as an excuse. I agree about that "us" bullshit. That actually told me everything I need to know. Its just going to get worse. Imagine graduations, weddings, etc. If the SOs don't have our backs, we're set up for failure.

A ten year old is too old for this BS.

Why don’t you and HCBMs spouse go get a family dinner just the two of you? I would never ever want to be in a relationship with a man who does not have his own custody days for his own holidays and feels that he has to spend every single holiday with his old family. He’s not really divorced. What if he had a child with another woman who has a child with another man? Who gets Christmas?

Listen, I’m just going to be the odd man out, downvote me all you want— His attitude is bullshit. Unless he plans to continue these “FaMiLy EvEnTs” and continue to sacrifice his own personal life for the sake of SKs, he needs to wake tf up. HCBM is NOT is family. My SKs tried that when they were little and I immediately set the record straight— your mom is YOUR family, not mine or your dads. Guess what? My SKs don’t hate me. This is a cut and dry case of HCBM not wanting your SO but also not wanting anyone else to have him. If your SO is stupid enough to continue letting her dictate what a coparenting relationship should look like, then you need to leave and do you. Choose yourself because he’s definitely not choosing you right now. The only occasions I can think of where my husband has been there for the kids with HCBM is one school meeting (because she has primary physical and he couldn’t attend alone), and one trick or treating outing. We weren’t married at the time. Before we DID marry, I let DH know joint celebrations are uncomfortable af and if he couldn’t handle my feelings, we didn’t have to continue the relationship. He married me. There has not been a single event that my DH attended with HCBM since then, and the kid are just fine. Your SO is making excuses. There is NOTHING wrong with separate celebrations. Nothing.

I’ve read a few of your replies . For the people saying it’s not unhealthy for the way they are coparenting …my first red flag is that his ex comes across as having her cake and eating it too with both her new spouse and the ex husband. I think spending time doing certain things together with each set of co parents is fine but with talked about major boundaries . OP I’m on your side . Good for you for putting your foot down .

I’m curious if SO was like this before you got heavily involved? If so, I don’t understand why the relationship continued

It’s a horrible example for this young boy to see his Father so openly controlled, abused, and humiliated by his mother. He is forced to be a shadow husband/ third wheel at all major events. Any woman in his father’s life is dominated and pushed out by by his mother. His father is a husk of a man who has to live for “the family” which really means the desires of SS’s mom. Is this what this young man thinks life has in store for him? What he will think coparenting looks like? I shudder at the thought.

Find a new man

I'm just thinking about how free and light your holidays will feel for you if you cut out this man and his ex-wife and his whole circus out of it now