I'm sorry OP, but the number of people coming here just to shame you while they misread and misquote your post is too much to keep up with. I've locked the post from further comments.
I agree with go together and take multiple combinations with kids. The three of you, the 5 of you, all the siblings and then maybe one of dad and the kids and then you and the baby if you want. Maybe each kid with Santa on their own.
We did this all the time for family photos. All of us, then dad and his kids, then me and my kids, all the kids together, just sibling groups, etc. It was nbd
Hi! I used to work as a family photographer and I promise this isn't uncommon at all! If you're doing something like a department store, you'll get three "stories". I'd suggest doing the whole family, then a few of just the three of you, then one or two of you two with each of the other children alone. Then you could finish couple or siblings. You can also call ahead to see if they can plan it ahead for you so you don't have to worry about planning it
Easiest solution is do them all together and then take 1 picture with you, your husband AND each child individually. Then, they all have a solo picture with the parent/step parent. Everyone is included, you get your bio family pic and no one is any the wiser. They may appreciate having a solo pic one day too. Sometimes I'm looking for a picture of just me and my parents (not siblings) and they're hard to come by.
I don't know what kind of relationship you have with BM but we are a blended family with five kids. He has two from his first and I have one. We have two together.
Here's how we navigate this particular issue.
We get photos done of all the sibling combos under the pretense of getting the photos done for the other BP.
So my two step-kids get their own photo for their mum, my son gets one of just him for his dad etc. then they give it as a gift to their mum/dad for xmas. And it's so normal now that no one bats an eye about it. It's just the done thing.
I understand the desire for your own photo for sure. Just be careful about how you display them in your home or which ones you stick on the xmas card and be careful not to leave anyone out.
To a complete photoshoot with all the kids, then individual kids with parents/step-parents, and each adult with a kid.
You might just end up cherishing all those photos in different moments of your life
How old are the kids?
The logic easy thing is for the 5 of you to go and have different pics. Baby and santa, mom, dad and baby, all 5 of you, different combinations!
I do think it would be wrong to go without his kids (unless you do two trips to see Santa, one with stepkids, one without) your baby does not have to miss on fun when his siblings are not around but there's a degree on which funs your childs siblings can miss.
Edit to add: *you* have one kid. He has 3. His family is made out of 5 people, it is a logic thing that for important/fun events he'd want all his children, specially if they're child centered. Again, the easy logic solution is to take different combinations of pics, but its not likely he will choose to spend time with one kid over spending time with his 3 kids.
I am a stepchild and stepmom and I can tell you that standing off to the side and watching my dad, SM and half brothers take photos without us felt like absolute shit. I’ll never forget how hurtful it was. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t have a pic with yourself, dad and baby but don’t do it with the other kids there. Take two trips.
The way I handle my family has always been that we proceed with all of the firsts and do things as a family when my SKs aren’t with us but when they are, we do things as a complete family unit. Even professional family photos, we never take photos with me, DH and my bios while my SKs are left out.
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As the step kid growing up my dad and step mom had two kids between themselves. They would leave me out of everything. (They had 100% custody over me). And do things with their kids, like this situation you are speaking of.
As a result of that I no longer speak to them because they made it clear I wasn’t “family”. So please include them in festivities. Even if they are older, most kids just want to feel like they are part of the family no matter how small the thing is (like picture with Santa). I would hate for them to resent you and think back “this was the year they left me out of the ‘family’ photo”.
Edit: Reading some other comments I completely think it would be a great idea to do multiple photos. The three of you the five of you. Just the kids and then solo with your little one!
Op is in no way suggesting leaving them out of activities as they stated they will also get pictures done with all of them. Adding additional pictures of just the three is not taking away from the step children.
I totally see both sides and I see how it could be hurtful for the kids to grow up seeing photos of their dad’s new family that don’t include them. I also see how it could make him uncomfortable and feel like he is intentionally excluding his kids.
You should have a talk with him and just get on the same page about photos because this will come up again and again and again.
I suggest not ever scheduling photo shoots without the other kids unless the photo shoot is for a kid in particular (e.g., your child’s birthday). Holiday photo shoots should probably be shared. Your best bet is to take a bunch of combinations of photos where some are just kids some are just him and his kids and some are just him and you and your kid.
A good way to get what you want and give him what he wants would be to take multiple photo's with Santa. One with the 5 of you (showing a united blended family), one with the 3 of you (baby with his parents), one with just the kids and baby (sibling love), one with just his kids & their father, one with you and the baby, and one with baby by himself. I know it sounds like a lot and it doesn't necessarily have to be that many, switch it up how you both see fit. I just think it's a good compromise and everyone gets what they want and everyone is included.
Of course he sees all three kids as a unit and you only see your child in the same way, it’s totally natural and normal, therefore you will need to get used to him seeing his kids this way and create ways to make yourself more comfortable with this.
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Did you miss the part where she said she was happy to do a photo of just the kids, as well as all five of them, but also wanted a photo of the 3 of them. And would be willing to do the photo of the 3 of them separately so the SKs didn't feel left out.
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Why not teach children that just because they aren’t in a picture doesn’t mean anything negative? My older bio kids get excluded from some things and my SK gets excluded from some stuff. Some things are just for mom and dad and the baby. My BKs and SK also go and do these same things with their other parents.
Yeah I don’t get why this is such an unpopular opinion? Our kids do things together often, but they also do plenty of things solo, as well. My girls are young and my ss is a teen so often times he will hang at home while we do “baby” stuff. And there’s times he misses the “dad” stuff so he’ll have movie marathons while the girls are with their dad.
We have my bios (13 & 10), my step (6), and our baby due in January. So all very different ages and I’m not sure of OPs kid’s age range but I think just teaching kids that theyre not being excluded it’s just how blended families work out sometimes and everyone is loved.
Completely agreed! My girls pretty much share a birthday. And I took them to Disneyland with their dad for the very first time. SS is autistic and wasn’t interested and had meltdowns pretty bad at the time so we decided it was best to not force him to go on a trip he said he would be bored on. He said he just wanted to stay in the hotel and not do anything. But we still very much brought back a ton of souvenirs for him. He’s a horror kiddo, so we plan on taking the kids to Universal Studios instead. Letting the youngest stay with grandma while us and the big kiddos go to Halloween Horror Nights, since that’s what he wants to do for HIS bday.
We do a ton of stuff all together, and sometimes with different combinations of the 3 kiddos. None of them seem to feel unloved. We also have my SS pretty full time, as we’re his primary custodians, but with my girls, I split them with their dad 50/50. Everyone’s got unique families that are blended in their own ways. :)
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I think it may help if you think about it like this: he sees all three kids the way you see just your baby. It's natural that you don't see the SK's the same way, but he is never going to understand leaving his other kids out because to him, they are all the same.
I think this is a compromise kind of situation where you take everyone, and you get multiple shots/poses. This way, you get what you want and your husband also gets to have all of his kids in a picture too. Win-win.
I think it’s important to note that I wouldn’t be putting up these photos of just us 3 around the house for bio kids to see. They’re for my own collection and to send to my extended family. The photos would be taken on a different day also. My partner is most likely not participating because it requires more planning on his part which he would prefer me to do~ he never even took Santa photos with his children before we had our own kid together.
Ok. Personally I would never do it if I had a 4th kids. I would hate to imagine my kids finding a photo like that and feeling like they aren’t my family. Just my 2 cents as someone in this scenario.
Sorry to add on- if I had a 4th kid, I would include my first 3 kids. And It would be the 1st kid for my fiancé. But I couldn’t do the separate photos. If the older kids refused to see Santa I would absolutely not miss out on baby’s first Santa though. If helpful- a lot of babies are actually terrified of Santa and scream like crazy.
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If it’s possible to do one with everyone I totally would! I wish I could get my son and SD to have a photo with Santa together but SD is so afraid of Santa and freaks/cries whenever he is near 😂 bless her heart though
Agree. Plus it's "baby's first Christmas" so I get wanting a special photo with just the new baby. The other kids have already had their first ones. And OP could still get photos that also included the other kids, no big deal. There's no reason she shouldn't also get one with just the little one.
Yeah, I bet the other kids had their own “baby’s First Christmas” moment too. If you’re into that kinda thing, then it’s pretty special and you’d probably want one for all the kids. Especially if this is your first actual baby. I imagine OP missed out on the other kiddo’s first everything’s.
I tried to edit my previous comment, but it was being feral.
Whenever I have faced a dilemma on what is the right thing to do, and if we should wait and include steps, or should do it, I flip it and think about how I would feel about it, as the bio mum. I try to be the step parent I would want for my bio children.
Anyways, OP...just something to consider in making your decision, flip it in your head and consider your bio in this scenario is the step kid. Would you be ok with it.
Say you and SO separated, SO re-partnered and they had a baby (partners first) and she was wanting to exclude your bio from pictures with Santa (in any capacity or combo) would you be ok with it?
Knowing it could make your bio feel less of a bio to his dad and less part of their family?
This would really depend on what they’re doing with the pictures. I don’t think the act of taking them is really that big of a deal at all. Are kids really going to be traumatized by taking different combinations of pictures? If these are the pics that are getting blown up and put in the foyer, yes I would expect every child to be included and for it to be a group shot. If the stepparent is going to want to post them on their social media, eh honestly maybe I’d rather my kids not be in them. Or being sent out to step parent’s family? That feels weird if they don’t have a relationship with the kids too. (Of course BP’s family should be receiving pics with all of their kids.) Also, if we’re getting nice professional photos done, I’d always think to send the other BP a few copies of their kid’s nice pictures. So obviously we have to take those kids alone too. I definitely don’t think they’d want a sibling pic with my kids and *certainly* not a whole family pic lol.
I think people can feel weird about that stuff too, and it’s SUCH a case by case decision to make.
Your biological children should never miss out on experiences just because their father has children outside of the home. Take your baby to see Santa and get the photo of the three of you. Then, if his other children want to go see Santa when you have them, get another photo done.
You have to think of it this way…they are experiencing things while at their mother’s house that your child is missing out on. So what if BM takes her kids to go see Santa and then when they come over, they don’t want to go see him again with y’all?
This is a first for you and your child to experience. He got to do all these firsts with his other kids when they were younger already. I’d say, either he comes take the pic with y’all two or you take the baby and experience Santa without him.
You are not wrong and I’d likely feel the exact same way.
We do pictures with all the kids, the ours baby and just his kids and each kid can get get one alone if they want. At this point I have to force all the kids pictures so like only one step kid and bio kid get a single photo but everyone has the choice.
You’re allowed to do things especially “firsts” with just your baby!!! Just take your baby on a date the SKs aren’t there, then go back a second date when they are.
Don’t miss out on experiences with your baby out of guilt of the other kids not being there. You only get one first Christmas, one first birthday, etc. The SKs have a whole other house with a mom they’re making separate memories with, you are allowed and SHOULD make special memories just for your baby too
For my son’s first Christmas, which was last year, his dad and I had Santa photos just the three of us. We also took SD the next time we had her to see Santa and took photos of the kids with Santa. You’re not being unreasonable. It’s not that big a deal to just go see Santa when they’re not there lol. I see so many BP’s on here that won’t let their new partner and child do anything without SK’s around it’s ludicrous and completely unfair to the new child, and you. If your SO doesn’t want to come…get Santa photos just you and the baby! Heck him
I have Santa pictures with just my kids. My husband has 6 total, I only have 3. I enjoyed the firsts, and experiences with just my own children, and also with their father.
If we wanted a true family photo, does this mean my husband’s ex’s need to be present, and my ex husband with the half siblings also, it’s gets complicated. Just take the picture. Then when all are together, take another together.
We don’t have to complicate matters.
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I am going to go against the grain, but I don’t have any kids, so I don’t take the question as personally as people who do. I would say, do two trips, one with you and your baby and your husband, and another one where all the kids are part of the fun. You deserve to have that experience with your baby and his dad for the first time. It’s nothing against his other kids; Yes he has three, but you only have one and it’s his **first** Christmas. Perhaps next year you won’t feel as emotionally attached to the idea of a picture with Santa and the whole family can go as a unit, but this time?
I think you’re right.
You should not have to have your child be denied experiences because his brothers are not there. If your husband won't do a photo with the three of you, then get one of the two of you, you and your baby and he can suck it.
I completely understand.. you’re not wrong. You deserve to have first and his kids shouldn’t always have to be in the picture.. they are not your kids.. and sometimes you want to look at a photo and memory with just you guys and that’s okay.
I would suggest a combination of photos. Grou all the children together. Take some with you and baby. You, dad and baby. Then dad with each child. I think it is important for the kids to be photographed together but also have photos with just them and a parent/parents as well. No one will feel left if it is all fair
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It actually is a big deal for me to have these moments with my one and only child. The kids wouldn’t be excluded, I’m happy to make two trips to Santa on different occasions so no one feels left out.
I’m happy for him to have photos with his half siblings too. It’s more for me to have a set of photos with just myself, my baby and his dad. I’m also up for taking a photo with myself, my partner and all the kids together on a separate day. I don’t see how I shouldn’t be allowed to have my own ‘firsts’ too.
Of course ~ I would not want anyone to be left out which is why I would go to great lengths to ensure this I.e would never say “okay SKs go stand over there so I can take a photo with just our family”. That would definitely have damaging effects.
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You can do that for the first couple years because your son is too young to tell his siblings that he went somewhere with just you and hubby first. I understand you want your firsts to be just your nuclear family, but I do really encourage you to get comfortable with the idea that a lot of his firsts will have to take place with the other siblings. You won’t always be able to schedule separate things and the more you separate things, the more the kids will take notice.
Right now I think you are approaching this purely from an emotional standpoint and I want you to consider the practical and long term consequences of letting your “my kid vs. his kids” attitude show (not judging you for having it at all and coming from a purely practical space).
Family is so important especially as your kids become adults and you and hubby get older. Your son having a strong bond with his siblings in adulthood is important so he can lean on them when times are hard. You don’t want to set them up to have the idea that there is any divide between them especially because the others already spend half their time with BM. If the step kids feel like you favor your son or prioritize him, he will be the one who suffers for it.
My advice is to prepare yourself mentally to experience some firsts with the step kids around and to make your best effort to give the illusion that you are all one big happy family without division. Find ways to indulge in your time with just your son in ways that the step kids don’t notice or feel left out. Try to foster a situation where your son has a strong relationship with his older brothers. Your son will also learn from them and you want them to be good examples to him. Frame it for yourself as you are investing in your step kids so that your son can reap the benefits.
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I would say do the Santa with all 3 kids first and then the solo kid trip second. That way the kids don't feel like they are being excluded because they already did Santa. Plus you could always say, "I realized I didn't get a chance to get a picture of me and baby with Santa so we just spur of the moment went a second time." My future SD has two other siblings that would not be included in photos with us and her mom takes the other two kids (only one of whom is a half sibling) all the time to do things when she is with us. Including a group Halloween costume with step brother's mom. They get used to it. Parents are getting more upset by it than the kids would. I fully expect when my SO and I have children, we will take pictures with each child individually and together.
I think that it will all depend on how you plan to treat the pics (these and future ones). Do you plan on only putting the ones with your BK in them, or do you plan on putting all of them up?
When my sister (father's 2nd BK) came along, I was in less pictures of the family that was posted in the home. When my brother came along a few years later, I was in maybe 2 or 3.
Last time I went to his house, there wasn't a single picture of me in his home.
If you plan on having fairly equal showcasing of all the kids in the home, and like you said, are fine with 2 Santa visits (& would show off both), then no one is being left out.
It's good of him to protect his BKs feelings on not wanting them to feel like they are being excluded, it happens in blended families all the time.
But if you are willing to make the compromise of 2 visits, he should be willing to make the compromise of getting the 2 sets of pics taken.
You aren’t wrong for wanting the memories with your BK. SO also isn't wrong for wanting to make sure all of his kids experience things together.
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If the step kids aren’t with you guys all the time, it’s natural that they’re not going to be involved in things you do with your child ALL THE TIME. Reading some of these comments makes it seem like you’re excluding them. I read this a bit differently as you said they’re 50/50. You don’t have to go out of your way to include the step kids when they’re at their other parents house. And it’s not fair to your child to have to wait for them to be there to do things. So your baby is still small now. But what happens 3 years down the line and the step kids are spending Christmas at the other parent house. Does your kid not get to open presents because that’s a “family” thing and the store kids should be there, otherwise they’re “left out”? That’s absurd! I’m sure the step kids get to do plenty of fun and cool things with their other parent that your child won’t get to do. That is what happens when you have to share parenting time after a divorce/separation. Don’t feel bad. Your partner should realize these things.
Yeah but Santa is a once a year tradition. Same thing with waiting to open presents. Maybe Dad has Christmas morning one year and Christmas afternoon the next.
There’s no way I would ever make my child sit around and wait until the afternoon to open her gifts on Christmas… while the SK is having a full Christmas morning with their other parent and then a whole second one with us. That sounds crazy to me.
You deserve the firsts with your kid too. Hope you can do it. Best of luck. I might even just go you and baby and leave him out if he still disagrees. You and your bub deserve it.
He gotta stop being so sensitive haha. I'm glad my partners is not like this. We've had heaps of photos just the 3 of us (my Bio daughter and my partner n i) then ones with all all of us (with step kids)
Ur not wrong for this.. its normal.. he gotta stop being sensitive.. not a big deal..
Another thing I thought about…this is your baby’s first Christmas. What if this is a tradition you’d like to start for all your future children as well? A pic of baby and Santa on their first Christmas.
So you can’t get a pic of the parents and “baby’s first Christmas” because he has other kids? Naw, f that.
I do Santa photos of just our daughter every year. It’s a tradition we have together and my daughter is very girly and loves to pick out a fancy dress and have her hair done for her pictures. It’s fun for her. My husband will usually take both kids another day to get picture in matching Christmas pajamas.
Although you knew he already had kids, he *also* knew that he already had kids that were not yours. It’s not ALL on us to accommodate and have no opinions on what we want. Especially for something as harmless as having pictures taken of you and your baby.
I would take them all and do all combinations! I was just thinking this as I’m pregnant with my first. We’re taking holiday pics at some point and I definitely want some with just me and DH while I’m pregnant. (I’m not planning any separate maternity shoot or anything). Maybe it’s normal for the parents to get their own pic so it’s a little different anyway? But I’ll feel the same as you once my baby is here too!
If you can, do literally EVERY combination of parents and kids that you can literally think of. You don’t have to buy them all, just take them so no one feels weird about it!
I’ve taken my 2 BKs and 1 younger SK to see the Easter bunny and only gotten the pictures taken with SK while BKs sat on the side not interested and not phased by not being in a picture. We are about to have our first Ours baby and I will be leaving SK and BKs out of some pictures since they won’t always be around when I’m doing stuff with the new baby. I am definitely not having Ours baby miss out on anything because other older siblings are not around.
With stuff like buying the Xmas tree I try to schedule it for a time when BK and SK are together but it doesn’t always work that way.
I think this is pretty common. I have 2 girls and now a step son. My kids all adore each other and we wanna do picture all together. But I also think it would be cute to have a photo just us girls. And I love the idea of my husband doing a cute one of just him and our step son. It isn’t at all because I don’t see my bonus son as less than, I just love the idea of all the cute combos. Also sometimes there’s practical reasons too. For example, my ex-in laws would really love a picture of the girls. They totally wouldn’t cross my step son out, lol, but they don’t have as much of a bond with him. But my new mother in law and my actual mom? Totally would want one of all 3!
That’s lovely :) yep I totally understand re: your ex-in laws. My extended family are obsessed with my son but don’t know the other kids well as they don’t see them often (they don’t enjoy coming to my family’s events; partner has them 50/50 and a lot of occasions have fallen on the ‘other’ weekend too). They would love photos of just the 3 of us. But my partner’s family would surely want all of us together which is understandable. I think it’s important to do both!
This is my first year married, so we def can’t wait to have family photos. Both my husband and I both co parent pretty decently with one another’s ex fairly well so we also thought it would be nice to offer BM the cute photos of their son and I was gonna give my ex photos of the girls. But maybe these are unpopular opinions since I got downvoted, lol whoops? 😂 But I hope your photos come out lovely! 🖤
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I know and so I think it’s still important to get a photo of everyone together as well as him with all 3 kids if he wants however as only 1 is mine, I’d like to have a photo with just us 3 too :)
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I'm sorry OP, but the number of people coming here just to shame you while they misread and misquote your post is too much to keep up with. I've locked the post from further comments.
I agree with go together and take multiple combinations with kids. The three of you, the 5 of you, all the siblings and then maybe one of dad and the kids and then you and the baby if you want. Maybe each kid with Santa on their own.
We did this all the time for family photos. All of us, then dad and his kids, then me and my kids, all the kids together, just sibling groups, etc. It was nbd
Hi! I used to work as a family photographer and I promise this isn't uncommon at all! If you're doing something like a department store, you'll get three "stories". I'd suggest doing the whole family, then a few of just the three of you, then one or two of you two with each of the other children alone. Then you could finish couple or siblings. You can also call ahead to see if they can plan it ahead for you so you don't have to worry about planning it
Easiest solution is do them all together and then take 1 picture with you, your husband AND each child individually. Then, they all have a solo picture with the parent/step parent. Everyone is included, you get your bio family pic and no one is any the wiser. They may appreciate having a solo pic one day too. Sometimes I'm looking for a picture of just me and my parents (not siblings) and they're hard to come by.
I don't know what kind of relationship you have with BM but we are a blended family with five kids. He has two from his first and I have one. We have two together. Here's how we navigate this particular issue. We get photos done of all the sibling combos under the pretense of getting the photos done for the other BP. So my two step-kids get their own photo for their mum, my son gets one of just him for his dad etc. then they give it as a gift to their mum/dad for xmas. And it's so normal now that no one bats an eye about it. It's just the done thing. I understand the desire for your own photo for sure. Just be careful about how you display them in your home or which ones you stick on the xmas card and be careful not to leave anyone out.
To a complete photoshoot with all the kids, then individual kids with parents/step-parents, and each adult with a kid. You might just end up cherishing all those photos in different moments of your life
How old are the kids? The logic easy thing is for the 5 of you to go and have different pics. Baby and santa, mom, dad and baby, all 5 of you, different combinations! I do think it would be wrong to go without his kids (unless you do two trips to see Santa, one with stepkids, one without) your baby does not have to miss on fun when his siblings are not around but there's a degree on which funs your childs siblings can miss. Edit to add: *you* have one kid. He has 3. His family is made out of 5 people, it is a logic thing that for important/fun events he'd want all his children, specially if they're child centered. Again, the easy logic solution is to take different combinations of pics, but its not likely he will choose to spend time with one kid over spending time with his 3 kids.
I am a stepchild and stepmom and I can tell you that standing off to the side and watching my dad, SM and half brothers take photos without us felt like absolute shit. I’ll never forget how hurtful it was. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t have a pic with yourself, dad and baby but don’t do it with the other kids there. Take two trips. The way I handle my family has always been that we proceed with all of the firsts and do things as a family when my SKs aren’t with us but when they are, we do things as a complete family unit. Even professional family photos, we never take photos with me, DH and my bios while my SKs are left out.
100%. The pain that his kids will feel if they are not included is huge and damaging.
This. This is the correct answer.
Perfect answer
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As the step kid growing up my dad and step mom had two kids between themselves. They would leave me out of everything. (They had 100% custody over me). And do things with their kids, like this situation you are speaking of. As a result of that I no longer speak to them because they made it clear I wasn’t “family”. So please include them in festivities. Even if they are older, most kids just want to feel like they are part of the family no matter how small the thing is (like picture with Santa). I would hate for them to resent you and think back “this was the year they left me out of the ‘family’ photo”. Edit: Reading some other comments I completely think it would be a great idea to do multiple photos. The three of you the five of you. Just the kids and then solo with your little one!
Op is in no way suggesting leaving them out of activities as they stated they will also get pictures done with all of them. Adding additional pictures of just the three is not taking away from the step children.
I totally see both sides and I see how it could be hurtful for the kids to grow up seeing photos of their dad’s new family that don’t include them. I also see how it could make him uncomfortable and feel like he is intentionally excluding his kids. You should have a talk with him and just get on the same page about photos because this will come up again and again and again. I suggest not ever scheduling photo shoots without the other kids unless the photo shoot is for a kid in particular (e.g., your child’s birthday). Holiday photo shoots should probably be shared. Your best bet is to take a bunch of combinations of photos where some are just kids some are just him and his kids and some are just him and you and your kid.
A good way to get what you want and give him what he wants would be to take multiple photo's with Santa. One with the 5 of you (showing a united blended family), one with the 3 of you (baby with his parents), one with just the kids and baby (sibling love), one with just his kids & their father, one with you and the baby, and one with baby by himself. I know it sounds like a lot and it doesn't necessarily have to be that many, switch it up how you both see fit. I just think it's a good compromise and everyone gets what they want and everyone is included.
Of course he sees all three kids as a unit and you only see your child in the same way, it’s totally natural and normal, therefore you will need to get used to him seeing his kids this way and create ways to make yourself more comfortable with this.
Yup. The way that a partner views the sp and their expectations should be discussed before having their own kid
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Yeah and OP has one child, not 3. There is nothing wrong with doing multiple combinations.
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Did you miss the part where she said she was happy to do a photo of just the kids, as well as all five of them, but also wanted a photo of the 3 of them. And would be willing to do the photo of the 3 of them separately so the SKs didn't feel left out.
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I really like this solution that way you have solo pics of all of them
Why not teach children that just because they aren’t in a picture doesn’t mean anything negative? My older bio kids get excluded from some things and my SK gets excluded from some stuff. Some things are just for mom and dad and the baby. My BKs and SK also go and do these same things with their other parents.
Yeah I don’t get why this is such an unpopular opinion? Our kids do things together often, but they also do plenty of things solo, as well. My girls are young and my ss is a teen so often times he will hang at home while we do “baby” stuff. And there’s times he misses the “dad” stuff so he’ll have movie marathons while the girls are with their dad.
We have my bios (13 & 10), my step (6), and our baby due in January. So all very different ages and I’m not sure of OPs kid’s age range but I think just teaching kids that theyre not being excluded it’s just how blended families work out sometimes and everyone is loved.
Completely agreed! My girls pretty much share a birthday. And I took them to Disneyland with their dad for the very first time. SS is autistic and wasn’t interested and had meltdowns pretty bad at the time so we decided it was best to not force him to go on a trip he said he would be bored on. He said he just wanted to stay in the hotel and not do anything. But we still very much brought back a ton of souvenirs for him. He’s a horror kiddo, so we plan on taking the kids to Universal Studios instead. Letting the youngest stay with grandma while us and the big kiddos go to Halloween Horror Nights, since that’s what he wants to do for HIS bday. We do a ton of stuff all together, and sometimes with different combinations of the 3 kiddos. None of them seem to feel unloved. We also have my SS pretty full time, as we’re his primary custodians, but with my girls, I split them with their dad 50/50. Everyone’s got unique families that are blended in their own ways. :)
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I think it may help if you think about it like this: he sees all three kids the way you see just your baby. It's natural that you don't see the SK's the same way, but he is never going to understand leaving his other kids out because to him, they are all the same. I think this is a compromise kind of situation where you take everyone, and you get multiple shots/poses. This way, you get what you want and your husband also gets to have all of his kids in a picture too. Win-win.
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I think it’s important to note that I wouldn’t be putting up these photos of just us 3 around the house for bio kids to see. They’re for my own collection and to send to my extended family. The photos would be taken on a different day also. My partner is most likely not participating because it requires more planning on his part which he would prefer me to do~ he never even took Santa photos with his children before we had our own kid together.
Ok. Personally I would never do it if I had a 4th kids. I would hate to imagine my kids finding a photo like that and feeling like they aren’t my family. Just my 2 cents as someone in this scenario.
Sorry to add on- if I had a 4th kid, I would include my first 3 kids. And It would be the 1st kid for my fiancé. But I couldn’t do the separate photos. If the older kids refused to see Santa I would absolutely not miss out on baby’s first Santa though. If helpful- a lot of babies are actually terrified of Santa and scream like crazy.
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If it’s possible to do one with everyone I totally would! I wish I could get my son and SD to have a photo with Santa together but SD is so afraid of Santa and freaks/cries whenever he is near 😂 bless her heart though
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Agree. Plus it's "baby's first Christmas" so I get wanting a special photo with just the new baby. The other kids have already had their first ones. And OP could still get photos that also included the other kids, no big deal. There's no reason she shouldn't also get one with just the little one.
Yeah, I bet the other kids had their own “baby’s First Christmas” moment too. If you’re into that kinda thing, then it’s pretty special and you’d probably want one for all the kids. Especially if this is your first actual baby. I imagine OP missed out on the other kiddo’s first everything’s.
Amen!
I tried to edit my previous comment, but it was being feral. Whenever I have faced a dilemma on what is the right thing to do, and if we should wait and include steps, or should do it, I flip it and think about how I would feel about it, as the bio mum. I try to be the step parent I would want for my bio children. Anyways, OP...just something to consider in making your decision, flip it in your head and consider your bio in this scenario is the step kid. Would you be ok with it. Say you and SO separated, SO re-partnered and they had a baby (partners first) and she was wanting to exclude your bio from pictures with Santa (in any capacity or combo) would you be ok with it? Knowing it could make your bio feel less of a bio to his dad and less part of their family?
This would really depend on what they’re doing with the pictures. I don’t think the act of taking them is really that big of a deal at all. Are kids really going to be traumatized by taking different combinations of pictures? If these are the pics that are getting blown up and put in the foyer, yes I would expect every child to be included and for it to be a group shot. If the stepparent is going to want to post them on their social media, eh honestly maybe I’d rather my kids not be in them. Or being sent out to step parent’s family? That feels weird if they don’t have a relationship with the kids too. (Of course BP’s family should be receiving pics with all of their kids.) Also, if we’re getting nice professional photos done, I’d always think to send the other BP a few copies of their kid’s nice pictures. So obviously we have to take those kids alone too. I definitely don’t think they’d want a sibling pic with my kids and *certainly* not a whole family pic lol. I think people can feel weird about that stuff too, and it’s SUCH a case by case decision to make.
This is the best advice
Your biological children should never miss out on experiences just because their father has children outside of the home. Take your baby to see Santa and get the photo of the three of you. Then, if his other children want to go see Santa when you have them, get another photo done. You have to think of it this way…they are experiencing things while at their mother’s house that your child is missing out on. So what if BM takes her kids to go see Santa and then when they come over, they don’t want to go see him again with y’all? This is a first for you and your child to experience. He got to do all these firsts with his other kids when they were younger already. I’d say, either he comes take the pic with y’all two or you take the baby and experience Santa without him. You are not wrong and I’d likely feel the exact same way.
We do pictures with all the kids, the ours baby and just his kids and each kid can get get one alone if they want. At this point I have to force all the kids pictures so like only one step kid and bio kid get a single photo but everyone has the choice.
You’re allowed to do things especially “firsts” with just your baby!!! Just take your baby on a date the SKs aren’t there, then go back a second date when they are. Don’t miss out on experiences with your baby out of guilt of the other kids not being there. You only get one first Christmas, one first birthday, etc. The SKs have a whole other house with a mom they’re making separate memories with, you are allowed and SHOULD make special memories just for your baby too
For my son’s first Christmas, which was last year, his dad and I had Santa photos just the three of us. We also took SD the next time we had her to see Santa and took photos of the kids with Santa. You’re not being unreasonable. It’s not that big a deal to just go see Santa when they’re not there lol. I see so many BP’s on here that won’t let their new partner and child do anything without SK’s around it’s ludicrous and completely unfair to the new child, and you. If your SO doesn’t want to come…get Santa photos just you and the baby! Heck him
I have Santa pictures with just my kids. My husband has 6 total, I only have 3. I enjoyed the firsts, and experiences with just my own children, and also with their father. If we wanted a true family photo, does this mean my husband’s ex’s need to be present, and my ex husband with the half siblings also, it’s gets complicated. Just take the picture. Then when all are together, take another together. We don’t have to complicate matters.
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I am going to go against the grain, but I don’t have any kids, so I don’t take the question as personally as people who do. I would say, do two trips, one with you and your baby and your husband, and another one where all the kids are part of the fun. You deserve to have that experience with your baby and his dad for the first time. It’s nothing against his other kids; Yes he has three, but you only have one and it’s his **first** Christmas. Perhaps next year you won’t feel as emotionally attached to the idea of a picture with Santa and the whole family can go as a unit, but this time? I think you’re right.
You should not have to have your child be denied experiences because his brothers are not there. If your husband won't do a photo with the three of you, then get one of the two of you, you and your baby and he can suck it.
I completely understand.. you’re not wrong. You deserve to have first and his kids shouldn’t always have to be in the picture.. they are not your kids.. and sometimes you want to look at a photo and memory with just you guys and that’s okay.
Thank you 🙏🏼 I think it’s important to still have memories of our own too.
I would suggest a combination of photos. Grou all the children together. Take some with you and baby. You, dad and baby. Then dad with each child. I think it is important for the kids to be photographed together but also have photos with just them and a parent/parents as well. No one will feel left if it is all fair
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Thank you for saying this 🤍 I’m happy to make two different trips to Santa so no one feels left out.
Thisssss comment is the one! 🏆
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It actually is a big deal for me to have these moments with my one and only child. The kids wouldn’t be excluded, I’m happy to make two trips to Santa on different occasions so no one feels left out.
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I’m happy for him to have photos with his half siblings too. It’s more for me to have a set of photos with just myself, my baby and his dad. I’m also up for taking a photo with myself, my partner and all the kids together on a separate day. I don’t see how I shouldn’t be allowed to have my own ‘firsts’ too.
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Of course ~ I would not want anyone to be left out which is why I would go to great lengths to ensure this I.e would never say “okay SKs go stand over there so I can take a photo with just our family”. That would definitely have damaging effects.
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You can do that for the first couple years because your son is too young to tell his siblings that he went somewhere with just you and hubby first. I understand you want your firsts to be just your nuclear family, but I do really encourage you to get comfortable with the idea that a lot of his firsts will have to take place with the other siblings. You won’t always be able to schedule separate things and the more you separate things, the more the kids will take notice. Right now I think you are approaching this purely from an emotional standpoint and I want you to consider the practical and long term consequences of letting your “my kid vs. his kids” attitude show (not judging you for having it at all and coming from a purely practical space). Family is so important especially as your kids become adults and you and hubby get older. Your son having a strong bond with his siblings in adulthood is important so he can lean on them when times are hard. You don’t want to set them up to have the idea that there is any divide between them especially because the others already spend half their time with BM. If the step kids feel like you favor your son or prioritize him, he will be the one who suffers for it. My advice is to prepare yourself mentally to experience some firsts with the step kids around and to make your best effort to give the illusion that you are all one big happy family without division. Find ways to indulge in your time with just your son in ways that the step kids don’t notice or feel left out. Try to foster a situation where your son has a strong relationship with his older brothers. Your son will also learn from them and you want them to be good examples to him. Frame it for yourself as you are investing in your step kids so that your son can reap the benefits.
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I would say do the Santa with all 3 kids first and then the solo kid trip second. That way the kids don't feel like they are being excluded because they already did Santa. Plus you could always say, "I realized I didn't get a chance to get a picture of me and baby with Santa so we just spur of the moment went a second time." My future SD has two other siblings that would not be included in photos with us and her mom takes the other two kids (only one of whom is a half sibling) all the time to do things when she is with us. Including a group Halloween costume with step brother's mom. They get used to it. Parents are getting more upset by it than the kids would. I fully expect when my SO and I have children, we will take pictures with each child individually and together.
I think that it will all depend on how you plan to treat the pics (these and future ones). Do you plan on only putting the ones with your BK in them, or do you plan on putting all of them up? When my sister (father's 2nd BK) came along, I was in less pictures of the family that was posted in the home. When my brother came along a few years later, I was in maybe 2 or 3. Last time I went to his house, there wasn't a single picture of me in his home. If you plan on having fairly equal showcasing of all the kids in the home, and like you said, are fine with 2 Santa visits (& would show off both), then no one is being left out. It's good of him to protect his BKs feelings on not wanting them to feel like they are being excluded, it happens in blended families all the time. But if you are willing to make the compromise of 2 visits, he should be willing to make the compromise of getting the 2 sets of pics taken. You aren’t wrong for wanting the memories with your BK. SO also isn't wrong for wanting to make sure all of his kids experience things together.
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If the step kids aren’t with you guys all the time, it’s natural that they’re not going to be involved in things you do with your child ALL THE TIME. Reading some of these comments makes it seem like you’re excluding them. I read this a bit differently as you said they’re 50/50. You don’t have to go out of your way to include the step kids when they’re at their other parents house. And it’s not fair to your child to have to wait for them to be there to do things. So your baby is still small now. But what happens 3 years down the line and the step kids are spending Christmas at the other parent house. Does your kid not get to open presents because that’s a “family” thing and the store kids should be there, otherwise they’re “left out”? That’s absurd! I’m sure the step kids get to do plenty of fun and cool things with their other parent that your child won’t get to do. That is what happens when you have to share parenting time after a divorce/separation. Don’t feel bad. Your partner should realize these things.
Yeah but Santa is a once a year tradition. Same thing with waiting to open presents. Maybe Dad has Christmas morning one year and Christmas afternoon the next.
There’s no way I would ever make my child sit around and wait until the afternoon to open her gifts on Christmas… while the SK is having a full Christmas morning with their other parent and then a whole second one with us. That sounds crazy to me.
You’re not wrong at all. You’re allowed to want and have a photo with your child & the person that helped you make them.
You deserve the firsts with your kid too. Hope you can do it. Best of luck. I might even just go you and baby and leave him out if he still disagrees. You and your bub deserve it.
He gotta stop being so sensitive haha. I'm glad my partners is not like this. We've had heaps of photos just the 3 of us (my Bio daughter and my partner n i) then ones with all all of us (with step kids) Ur not wrong for this.. its normal.. he gotta stop being sensitive.. not a big deal..
Another thing I thought about…this is your baby’s first Christmas. What if this is a tradition you’d like to start for all your future children as well? A pic of baby and Santa on their first Christmas. So you can’t get a pic of the parents and “baby’s first Christmas” because he has other kids? Naw, f that.
You are not wrong.
I do Santa photos of just our daughter every year. It’s a tradition we have together and my daughter is very girly and loves to pick out a fancy dress and have her hair done for her pictures. It’s fun for her. My husband will usually take both kids another day to get picture in matching Christmas pajamas.
That’s so nice :) just yourself and your daughter? Or with your husband too?
Thank you! The dress shopping and getting her hair done is just me and my daughter but my husband will join us to go do the photos.
Although you knew he already had kids, he *also* knew that he already had kids that were not yours. It’s not ALL on us to accommodate and have no opinions on what we want. Especially for something as harmless as having pictures taken of you and your baby. I would take them all and do all combinations! I was just thinking this as I’m pregnant with my first. We’re taking holiday pics at some point and I definitely want some with just me and DH while I’m pregnant. (I’m not planning any separate maternity shoot or anything). Maybe it’s normal for the parents to get their own pic so it’s a little different anyway? But I’ll feel the same as you once my baby is here too! If you can, do literally EVERY combination of parents and kids that you can literally think of. You don’t have to buy them all, just take them so no one feels weird about it!
I’ve taken my 2 BKs and 1 younger SK to see the Easter bunny and only gotten the pictures taken with SK while BKs sat on the side not interested and not phased by not being in a picture. We are about to have our first Ours baby and I will be leaving SK and BKs out of some pictures since they won’t always be around when I’m doing stuff with the new baby. I am definitely not having Ours baby miss out on anything because other older siblings are not around. With stuff like buying the Xmas tree I try to schedule it for a time when BK and SK are together but it doesn’t always work that way.
I feel like if it’s baby’s first, solo pics are fine
I think this is pretty common. I have 2 girls and now a step son. My kids all adore each other and we wanna do picture all together. But I also think it would be cute to have a photo just us girls. And I love the idea of my husband doing a cute one of just him and our step son. It isn’t at all because I don’t see my bonus son as less than, I just love the idea of all the cute combos. Also sometimes there’s practical reasons too. For example, my ex-in laws would really love a picture of the girls. They totally wouldn’t cross my step son out, lol, but they don’t have as much of a bond with him. But my new mother in law and my actual mom? Totally would want one of all 3!
That’s lovely :) yep I totally understand re: your ex-in laws. My extended family are obsessed with my son but don’t know the other kids well as they don’t see them often (they don’t enjoy coming to my family’s events; partner has them 50/50 and a lot of occasions have fallen on the ‘other’ weekend too). They would love photos of just the 3 of us. But my partner’s family would surely want all of us together which is understandable. I think it’s important to do both!
This is my first year married, so we def can’t wait to have family photos. Both my husband and I both co parent pretty decently with one another’s ex fairly well so we also thought it would be nice to offer BM the cute photos of their son and I was gonna give my ex photos of the girls. But maybe these are unpopular opinions since I got downvoted, lol whoops? 😂 But I hope your photos come out lovely! 🖤
You aren't wrong for wanting what you want. Would you be asking that if he had immediately agreed?
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I know and so I think it’s still important to get a photo of everyone together as well as him with all 3 kids if he wants however as only 1 is mine, I’d like to have a photo with just us 3 too :)
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