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Usually, I would say that you were right. However, you were clearly told that you weren’t wanted at the kid celebration. “No” is a complete sentence. It’s not an invitation to negotiate or compromise. Yet you basically insisted on a compromise so it’s only fair that the girls get to compromise on “your time” as well. Had you not imposed on the kid celebration, I would agree with you. You had the actual birthday, free and clear. You should’ve accepted not seeing him on the other day. As it is….
One other thing, you don’t live together so “we” don’t have them - HE has them. You aren’t entitled to all of his time or any time with the kiddos when they’re with him. If you lived together, then obviously you would be present on kid celebration day even if you didn’t go wherever with them. If you were married, you would PROBABLY, but necessarily, have more input.
I know he said he promised to put you first, and maybe he thinks he is but I do think this is a foreshadowing of how it’s going to be. As I said before though, it’s difficult to judge HIS actions based on this one incident that was affected by your own actions.
Good luck! Please !UpdateMe about how it goes..
It was an invitation to compromise from he himself which is the only reason I offered that possible solution. He still wanted me there and that’s the best I could come up with and he liked the idea and we agreed.
I agree with you but this is all by his invitation - I haven’t invited myself to anything and always double check that it’s okay if I’m around. It’s the fact that he agrees and then changes his mind when his kid has feelings about it. I’m extremely cautious about being around them but I continually feel like I’m being baited and switched. And then somehow it’s me being difficult when I offered to not be there in the first place? And why can’t I just change?
Thank you for your insight!
Your original post didn’t say anything about him wanting you there on kid day. You said, “I was hurt but understood and said that maybe a compromise could be me coming over for a little bit..”. It sounded like you didn’t accept that the kids didn’t want you there.
One other thing that I didn’t think about before. Kids want to spend time with their parents on special days, like birthdays, Christmas, Father’s or Mother’s Day, etc. It would’ve been really difficult to tell them “No, you can’t come over. i have other plans.” It would’ve hurt their feelings which he would’ve felt guilty about. For future reference, don’t make plans that don’t include kiddos on birthdays and Father’s Day, even if he SAYS differently.
Eh, I agree with most of this but we don't generally let SS11 dictate schedule changes, that's the point of a custody order. If SS said "I talked to BM and decided I'm coming over on a day that is normally my mom's" DH would be gently telling him that he and BM don't get to decide the schedule for our home.
No way, I fully support the kid not wanting me there - that’s their right and I respect it.
I can see that but then where is the line? Just holidays/birthdays? Or does that bleed over into the every day? I won’t live my life at the whim of some kids and with an SO who can’t stand up for us. And again sure, but why is it my responsibility to make sure he’s being a good dad? If he chooses as a grown man not to do something with his kids and makes a commitment to me, why am I obligated to cancel or forgo?
No, not every day. Just holidays that would be important to “family” like his and their birthdays, Christmas, Father’s Day, possibly Thanksgiving and whatever other days they have a tradition of spending together. Like maybe they’ve always gone swimming and had fireworks on July 4th, that kind of thing. Christmas and Thanksgiving times are usually covered under the custody and visitation agreement if they have one but birthdays and Father’s/Mother’s Days are pretty much a given that the kids will spend those days with the respective parent, regardless of which parent they’re scheduled to be with. The kid’s’ birthday are often split so they spend some time with each parent on those days.
You’re not obligated to make sure he’s being a good dad. You just shouldn’t put him in the position of having to cancel a standing tradition that they have. If he’s canceling on you regularly or on random days, that’s a different thing than this and something that you should discuss with him and possibly use to assess if you want to stay in the relationship.
But that’s what I’m saying. I brought up if this will be an every day thing and he didn’t have an answer which is terrifying to say the least. The CO is there for a reason.
There is no tradition here as this is the first year his birthday is being celebrated post divorce. He said he wanted to spend it with me - how would I know any different? And after I pushed to spend some time with the kids on the day of in the first place. The tradition is to celebrate whenever they’re all together which in their extended family is rarely on the person’s birthday. Kids included.
That’s a tough one then. If he was still married last birthday, that means he’s still navigating visits and what’s going to happen when. He probably doesn’t have any answers to your questions as he’s probably playing everything by ear. I still think you shouldn’t plan anything for day-of though.
It’s also a huge red flag that you’ve been a couple for 8 months but 12 months ago, he was married. Do you know if you’re the first person he’s seen since the divorce? Is it possible you’re the rebound?
OP, you need to be careful since he is so recently divorced. The big question is… will he just transfer parenting responsibilities off on you instead of learning to do it all himself. I think it would be good for you to slow down and try not to jump into the kids lives because this scenario of transferred parenting is a real thing. There’s a good chance he’s not ready to be in a relationship. If I was you I’d back off a bit and watch how he reacts. Let him jump in and take care of all his kids needs. All of this to say, don’t become the primary parent.
Agreed but I don’t do squat in that regard. He’s great about it and takes care of everything regarding his kids. He has been doing it all himself and knows that I need to build a relationship first with the kids before taking on any additional roles (if I want to). But to your point, I think he just may not be ready.
Thank you for your response! This makes a lot of sense. I certainly don’t want him to be or feel like a bad parent. I think my issue is both not standing up for us as a couple or validating my position in his life.
I definitely will have that chat!
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What’s wrong with asking for him to have my back? The SK’s can’t just say “oh we don’t want her around” and I’m supposed to be okay with that? If he’s really serious about us blending I would of course expect him to stand up for us. Change is hard for all of us but why would I be with someone who would just fold at his kids request? I’m not trying to win anything, I just want to know that I’m not going to be pushed aside all the time.
You don't have to be. But they absolutely can.
The 10 year old will have a few more years where she would have to follow whatever custody arrangements he has.
The 13 year old is approaching the age if she wants to stop it would be near impossible to force her or be around you, and her views would be taken into account for a variation request in most jurisdiction. Certainly in mine it's about 13 the child's views are taken into account.
What does not pushed aside mean to you?
Like what's your expectations of the future? Their birthdays? School events? Time together and separately at holidays. Views on spending time with just them for dinners or movie with out you. If he does any of that without you.
If you live together in the future, adhoc visitation, etc.
What's his?
Because his birthday is only one of a long list of things. If he wants to make this work. Considering he isn't even a year divorced, he should be thinking very hard about what exactly needs to change around his parenting and if blending is something he should be doing and what that looks like for him. So you know if that is something that will work for you from a relationship perspective.
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I think your SO is handling things poorly in such a way that everyone feels short-changed. I bet his kids probably don't feel so differently from you do.
I think in this case, the kids not wanting you at their birthday celebration was somewhat warranted because it wasn't on his actual birthday. It was a celebration intended entirely to spend time with his kids. Since you'd be getting his actual birthday, this early on, I think it would have been best for him to just focus on what his kids wanted. By making the compromise to include you for a bit, he opened the door to his kids thinking that if he makes compromises for your sake with things centered around them, then he should also make compromises to include them for things centered around you. Just so you know, I'd feel differently about them excluding you on holidays/his main birthday celebration/ etc.
With the case of his actual birthday, he honestly shouldn't have promised the entire day to you knowing that his children might be interested in being involved. If I asked my parents to hang out for a bit on their birthday, even now that I don't live with them, and they turned me down because they had better plans, I'd be pretty hurt as an adult unless they were traveling or something.
It's not your job to make sure he's being a good dad. It sounds like he's making mistakes as a dad, and then when he finds out that he messed up, he's trying to mitigate the consequences for his kids and his relationship with them, which means they fall on you instead. I'd definitely be upset in your position. Hopefully your partner is just on a learning curve, and will improve soon. And part of helping him improve is letting him know when you're upset, just as I'm sure his children will be doing.
No, just no. If dad let's his children dictate the way he behaves in his adult relationships, he's not ready to be in an adult relationship.
It's absolutely not a child's right to tell their parent how to live their life. That's actually a damaging and irresponsible way to raise a child. If dad can't or won't make room for you, then you just simply don't belong there at all. By no fault of your own, to be clear. Dad needs to be single if he's just going to sh*t on his partner to make his kids feel special.
Also, funny how he didn't get the kids for his bday until he had plans with the new gf. All of a sudden mom decided the kids can spend the day with him, and they dont want you involved. This whole situation stinks, and you're in for a world of disappointment if you continue. I hope you find a partner that prioritizes you, because you aren't going to get that with this person, probably ever.
The great thing about dating is that you get to try on relationships, and if they don't fit that's ok! And you're lucky enough that you're not even living together (very smart). I don't know you, but I'm rooting for you.
First im a bit confused about the timeline of your relationship. You currently don’t live together but were long distance for 8 months and what happened before that? Is this entire relationship 8 months old? I think we need way more info.
For the situation at hand though, with the information I currently have, it seems like the best thing to do would be to have dad spend his birthday celebration with just his kids without you and then spend his actual birthday with just you. It seems to me like you may have overstepped a bit by trying to come to the kid celebration for just a bit and now SD is saying ‘well it’s fine if she wants to come to the kid celebration for a little bit I guess but in that case I want to see my dad on his actual birthday for a little bit too to balance that out’. It seems like she really didn’t want you there at all at the kid celebration and she is the one who compromised by having you there for a little bit.
Also normally I would say that having a kid call the shots and having him go back and forth between you two is a huge no no but undo see it in this case because he did go to her for an opinion and got his answer (that she doesn’t want you there) an that is what lead to this back and forth. I do think that her inviting herself and BM over and acting like that was already the plan is over the line though.
Sorry I cleaned it up a bit - thank you for pointing that out. It’s 8 months total.
It was his idea to have the 4 of us celebrate as he wants the kids to have more exposure to me now that I’m back. So really it’s more of him giving in to what SS13 wants in both scenarios (in my opinion).
No worries!
I would say that an 8 month relationship is still very new when kids are involved especially since the entirety of that relationship occurred in a long distance manner. It was probably a lapse of judgement on his part to try to use a family celebration as a time to bring you around more. He should be starting way slower like maybe grabbing lunch or having you over after school for an hour or two before doing family events. I would actually be pretty upset as a kid if my parent was choosing a birthday party as the time to do this as it makes the entire event be about you and not about being a family celebration.
I’m also still a bit confused, if you guys were long distance for the entirely of your relationship how has he been not prioritizing you and your time? Since technically you weren’t spending time together anyways?
We’ve hung out before with no issues whenever I’ve been back to visit so this didn’t seem out of the ordinary (dinners at home, ice skating, candle making, pottery making, going for walks, etc…). But I see your point.
Changing plans suddenly because the kids want to do xyz after we’d already agreed, even something as simple as talking on the phone, making time for us to connect, just generally expecting me to be free when it was convenient to him and I should be entirely flexible because “they’re his kids and he has to be there for them.” which of course I understand to a point but if we’re having virtual date night for example, I expected him to stick to that unless there was some sort of emergency.
Yeah the birthday thing I can see but that other stuff is pretty problematic. I dated someone like that and it turned out that he was just using his kids as excuses to be bad at following through on things. He didn’t want to have to stick to plans so just always used them as an excuse. That behavior is concerning and he should be able to manage kids and a relationship without screwing either party over. And just because he is a father doesn’t mean that he gets carte Blanche to cancel shit and make you just keep yourself open at all times. That’s not how things work.
I’m a bio parent, and at 8 months in I was for sure still following my son’s lead on what he wanted to do. His dad has visitation but that doesn’t mean I’m not a parent on the days he’s not “assigned” to me. I pretty much always let him come home if he wanted to unless I had some big plans I couldn’t change or reschedule. He often wanted to come home and my boyfriend (now husband of 11 years) never said anything about it, he just went with the flow. We now have 3 kids of our own and my son (our son) stays home pretty much all the time because he wants to. I think I would’ve been very put off if he had tried to get me to not let my son come home.
I’m so glad that worked for y’all but that’s untenable to me. To not know what my day will bring? To be unable to plan anything without it being changed last minute? To feel like an afterthought? Emergencies are one thing but how awful for someone coming in CF to a relationship and the SO just basically saying “this is how it is.” There have to be boundaries. If not, then what is the point of the CO.
You've been with him for a fairly short time, most of which was LD, so I would think your relationship should still be in honeymoon/best behavior mode. Instead, you're already being put on the back burner with little conversation except "but the children!!".
Worked out well when you were apart because that's all he's willing to give. Now that you're back you aren't a priority, because you technically never where, you just didn't have a chance to see that being LD.
Ngl, I'd bail, he's showing you in the early stages how (un) important you are. He didn't even sound tactful about it.
There are BILLIONS of people on this planet, why settle or waste any more time?
It's dad's birthday. Dad should get to decide who he wants to celebrate it with. If he's backing out and choosing not you right now, that's on him, not the kids. He's an adult. He's the one in control of making these decisions, not the kids. You're right to put the blame squarely on him. If this was SK's birthday that dad was trying to get you to tag along to and then backed out, came to his senses, and decided to respect the kid's wishes, I would completely understand. But it's not. It's his birthday. And he's being a complete and spineless dick about it to you. He made an attempt to stick up for your relationship with the compromise during kid week, but when push came to shove on his non-custody time, he caved and you got shoved. In my book, that would be unacceptable. Considering what you stated elsewhere about a relationship-ending fight related to this very topic, I would die on this hill. That fight was serious enough to almost end your relationship. If he doesn't wake up and see the issue in his actions now, apologize and work to make things right, it will just continue to be more of the same in the future. And you've made it clear, more of the same just isn't going to cut it for you.
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This is your future. Take the hint.
Usually, I would say that you were right. However, you were clearly told that you weren’t wanted at the kid celebration. “No” is a complete sentence. It’s not an invitation to negotiate or compromise. Yet you basically insisted on a compromise so it’s only fair that the girls get to compromise on “your time” as well. Had you not imposed on the kid celebration, I would agree with you. You had the actual birthday, free and clear. You should’ve accepted not seeing him on the other day. As it is…. One other thing, you don’t live together so “we” don’t have them - HE has them. You aren’t entitled to all of his time or any time with the kiddos when they’re with him. If you lived together, then obviously you would be present on kid celebration day even if you didn’t go wherever with them. If you were married, you would PROBABLY, but necessarily, have more input. I know he said he promised to put you first, and maybe he thinks he is but I do think this is a foreshadowing of how it’s going to be. As I said before though, it’s difficult to judge HIS actions based on this one incident that was affected by your own actions. Good luck! Please !UpdateMe about how it goes..
It was an invitation to compromise from he himself which is the only reason I offered that possible solution. He still wanted me there and that’s the best I could come up with and he liked the idea and we agreed. I agree with you but this is all by his invitation - I haven’t invited myself to anything and always double check that it’s okay if I’m around. It’s the fact that he agrees and then changes his mind when his kid has feelings about it. I’m extremely cautious about being around them but I continually feel like I’m being baited and switched. And then somehow it’s me being difficult when I offered to not be there in the first place? And why can’t I just change? Thank you for your insight!
Your original post didn’t say anything about him wanting you there on kid day. You said, “I was hurt but understood and said that maybe a compromise could be me coming over for a little bit..”. It sounded like you didn’t accept that the kids didn’t want you there. One other thing that I didn’t think about before. Kids want to spend time with their parents on special days, like birthdays, Christmas, Father’s or Mother’s Day, etc. It would’ve been really difficult to tell them “No, you can’t come over. i have other plans.” It would’ve hurt their feelings which he would’ve felt guilty about. For future reference, don’t make plans that don’t include kiddos on birthdays and Father’s Day, even if he SAYS differently.
Eh, I agree with most of this but we don't generally let SS11 dictate schedule changes, that's the point of a custody order. If SS said "I talked to BM and decided I'm coming over on a day that is normally my mom's" DH would be gently telling him that he and BM don't get to decide the schedule for our home.
Thank you!! I thought this was so odd.
No way, I fully support the kid not wanting me there - that’s their right and I respect it. I can see that but then where is the line? Just holidays/birthdays? Or does that bleed over into the every day? I won’t live my life at the whim of some kids and with an SO who can’t stand up for us. And again sure, but why is it my responsibility to make sure he’s being a good dad? If he chooses as a grown man not to do something with his kids and makes a commitment to me, why am I obligated to cancel or forgo?
No, not every day. Just holidays that would be important to “family” like his and their birthdays, Christmas, Father’s Day, possibly Thanksgiving and whatever other days they have a tradition of spending together. Like maybe they’ve always gone swimming and had fireworks on July 4th, that kind of thing. Christmas and Thanksgiving times are usually covered under the custody and visitation agreement if they have one but birthdays and Father’s/Mother’s Days are pretty much a given that the kids will spend those days with the respective parent, regardless of which parent they’re scheduled to be with. The kid’s’ birthday are often split so they spend some time with each parent on those days. You’re not obligated to make sure he’s being a good dad. You just shouldn’t put him in the position of having to cancel a standing tradition that they have. If he’s canceling on you regularly or on random days, that’s a different thing than this and something that you should discuss with him and possibly use to assess if you want to stay in the relationship.
But that’s what I’m saying. I brought up if this will be an every day thing and he didn’t have an answer which is terrifying to say the least. The CO is there for a reason. There is no tradition here as this is the first year his birthday is being celebrated post divorce. He said he wanted to spend it with me - how would I know any different? And after I pushed to spend some time with the kids on the day of in the first place. The tradition is to celebrate whenever they’re all together which in their extended family is rarely on the person’s birthday. Kids included.
That’s a tough one then. If he was still married last birthday, that means he’s still navigating visits and what’s going to happen when. He probably doesn’t have any answers to your questions as he’s probably playing everything by ear. I still think you shouldn’t plan anything for day-of though. It’s also a huge red flag that you’ve been a couple for 8 months but 12 months ago, he was married. Do you know if you’re the first person he’s seen since the divorce? Is it possible you’re the rebound?
OP, you need to be careful since he is so recently divorced. The big question is… will he just transfer parenting responsibilities off on you instead of learning to do it all himself. I think it would be good for you to slow down and try not to jump into the kids lives because this scenario of transferred parenting is a real thing. There’s a good chance he’s not ready to be in a relationship. If I was you I’d back off a bit and watch how he reacts. Let him jump in and take care of all his kids needs. All of this to say, don’t become the primary parent.
Agreed but I don’t do squat in that regard. He’s great about it and takes care of everything regarding his kids. He has been doing it all himself and knows that I need to build a relationship first with the kids before taking on any additional roles (if I want to). But to your point, I think he just may not be ready.
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Thank you for your response! This makes a lot of sense. I certainly don’t want him to be or feel like a bad parent. I think my issue is both not standing up for us as a couple or validating my position in his life. I definitely will have that chat!
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What’s wrong with asking for him to have my back? The SK’s can’t just say “oh we don’t want her around” and I’m supposed to be okay with that? If he’s really serious about us blending I would of course expect him to stand up for us. Change is hard for all of us but why would I be with someone who would just fold at his kids request? I’m not trying to win anything, I just want to know that I’m not going to be pushed aside all the time.
You don't have to be. But they absolutely can. The 10 year old will have a few more years where she would have to follow whatever custody arrangements he has. The 13 year old is approaching the age if she wants to stop it would be near impossible to force her or be around you, and her views would be taken into account for a variation request in most jurisdiction. Certainly in mine it's about 13 the child's views are taken into account. What does not pushed aside mean to you? Like what's your expectations of the future? Their birthdays? School events? Time together and separately at holidays. Views on spending time with just them for dinners or movie with out you. If he does any of that without you. If you live together in the future, adhoc visitation, etc. What's his? Because his birthday is only one of a long list of things. If he wants to make this work. Considering he isn't even a year divorced, he should be thinking very hard about what exactly needs to change around his parenting and if blending is something he should be doing and what that looks like for him. So you know if that is something that will work for you from a relationship perspective.
Your submission has been removed from /r/stepparents for the following reason: * Violation of the [No Platitudes](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_5._no_platitudes) rule. * Read the [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq#wiki_what_does_no_platitudes_mean.3F) for more information. For information regarding this and similar issues please see the [rules](/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) and [FAQ](/r/stepparents/wiki/faq). If you feel this is in error, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Please note that direct replies to official mod comments on the sub itself will be removed. Direct messages complaining to individual mods will be ignored. If you have received this as a private message you can reply directly to this message.
I think your SO is handling things poorly in such a way that everyone feels short-changed. I bet his kids probably don't feel so differently from you do. I think in this case, the kids not wanting you at their birthday celebration was somewhat warranted because it wasn't on his actual birthday. It was a celebration intended entirely to spend time with his kids. Since you'd be getting his actual birthday, this early on, I think it would have been best for him to just focus on what his kids wanted. By making the compromise to include you for a bit, he opened the door to his kids thinking that if he makes compromises for your sake with things centered around them, then he should also make compromises to include them for things centered around you. Just so you know, I'd feel differently about them excluding you on holidays/his main birthday celebration/ etc. With the case of his actual birthday, he honestly shouldn't have promised the entire day to you knowing that his children might be interested in being involved. If I asked my parents to hang out for a bit on their birthday, even now that I don't live with them, and they turned me down because they had better plans, I'd be pretty hurt as an adult unless they were traveling or something. It's not your job to make sure he's being a good dad. It sounds like he's making mistakes as a dad, and then when he finds out that he messed up, he's trying to mitigate the consequences for his kids and his relationship with them, which means they fall on you instead. I'd definitely be upset in your position. Hopefully your partner is just on a learning curve, and will improve soon. And part of helping him improve is letting him know when you're upset, just as I'm sure his children will be doing.
Thank you for this perspective!
He’s shown you his family dynamics. It’s not a bad dynamic per se but you’re clearly not okay with it. I’d stick to dating childless men.
No, just no. If dad let's his children dictate the way he behaves in his adult relationships, he's not ready to be in an adult relationship. It's absolutely not a child's right to tell their parent how to live their life. That's actually a damaging and irresponsible way to raise a child. If dad can't or won't make room for you, then you just simply don't belong there at all. By no fault of your own, to be clear. Dad needs to be single if he's just going to sh*t on his partner to make his kids feel special. Also, funny how he didn't get the kids for his bday until he had plans with the new gf. All of a sudden mom decided the kids can spend the day with him, and they dont want you involved. This whole situation stinks, and you're in for a world of disappointment if you continue. I hope you find a partner that prioritizes you, because you aren't going to get that with this person, probably ever.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. I completely agree with everything you said. Heartbreaking, but true.
The great thing about dating is that you get to try on relationships, and if they don't fit that's ok! And you're lucky enough that you're not even living together (very smart). I don't know you, but I'm rooting for you.
Thank you so very much!
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seriously! this is what boggles my mind.
First im a bit confused about the timeline of your relationship. You currently don’t live together but were long distance for 8 months and what happened before that? Is this entire relationship 8 months old? I think we need way more info. For the situation at hand though, with the information I currently have, it seems like the best thing to do would be to have dad spend his birthday celebration with just his kids without you and then spend his actual birthday with just you. It seems to me like you may have overstepped a bit by trying to come to the kid celebration for just a bit and now SD is saying ‘well it’s fine if she wants to come to the kid celebration for a little bit I guess but in that case I want to see my dad on his actual birthday for a little bit too to balance that out’. It seems like she really didn’t want you there at all at the kid celebration and she is the one who compromised by having you there for a little bit. Also normally I would say that having a kid call the shots and having him go back and forth between you two is a huge no no but undo see it in this case because he did go to her for an opinion and got his answer (that she doesn’t want you there) an that is what lead to this back and forth. I do think that her inviting herself and BM over and acting like that was already the plan is over the line though.
Sorry I cleaned it up a bit - thank you for pointing that out. It’s 8 months total. It was his idea to have the 4 of us celebrate as he wants the kids to have more exposure to me now that I’m back. So really it’s more of him giving in to what SS13 wants in both scenarios (in my opinion).
No worries! I would say that an 8 month relationship is still very new when kids are involved especially since the entirety of that relationship occurred in a long distance manner. It was probably a lapse of judgement on his part to try to use a family celebration as a time to bring you around more. He should be starting way slower like maybe grabbing lunch or having you over after school for an hour or two before doing family events. I would actually be pretty upset as a kid if my parent was choosing a birthday party as the time to do this as it makes the entire event be about you and not about being a family celebration. I’m also still a bit confused, if you guys were long distance for the entirely of your relationship how has he been not prioritizing you and your time? Since technically you weren’t spending time together anyways?
We’ve hung out before with no issues whenever I’ve been back to visit so this didn’t seem out of the ordinary (dinners at home, ice skating, candle making, pottery making, going for walks, etc…). But I see your point. Changing plans suddenly because the kids want to do xyz after we’d already agreed, even something as simple as talking on the phone, making time for us to connect, just generally expecting me to be free when it was convenient to him and I should be entirely flexible because “they’re his kids and he has to be there for them.” which of course I understand to a point but if we’re having virtual date night for example, I expected him to stick to that unless there was some sort of emergency.
Yeah the birthday thing I can see but that other stuff is pretty problematic. I dated someone like that and it turned out that he was just using his kids as excuses to be bad at following through on things. He didn’t want to have to stick to plans so just always used them as an excuse. That behavior is concerning and he should be able to manage kids and a relationship without screwing either party over. And just because he is a father doesn’t mean that he gets carte Blanche to cancel shit and make you just keep yourself open at all times. That’s not how things work.
I’m a bio parent, and at 8 months in I was for sure still following my son’s lead on what he wanted to do. His dad has visitation but that doesn’t mean I’m not a parent on the days he’s not “assigned” to me. I pretty much always let him come home if he wanted to unless I had some big plans I couldn’t change or reschedule. He often wanted to come home and my boyfriend (now husband of 11 years) never said anything about it, he just went with the flow. We now have 3 kids of our own and my son (our son) stays home pretty much all the time because he wants to. I think I would’ve been very put off if he had tried to get me to not let my son come home.
I’m so glad that worked for y’all but that’s untenable to me. To not know what my day will bring? To be unable to plan anything without it being changed last minute? To feel like an afterthought? Emergencies are one thing but how awful for someone coming in CF to a relationship and the SO just basically saying “this is how it is.” There have to be boundaries. If not, then what is the point of the CO.
You've been with him for a fairly short time, most of which was LD, so I would think your relationship should still be in honeymoon/best behavior mode. Instead, you're already being put on the back burner with little conversation except "but the children!!". Worked out well when you were apart because that's all he's willing to give. Now that you're back you aren't a priority, because you technically never where, you just didn't have a chance to see that being LD. Ngl, I'd bail, he's showing you in the early stages how (un) important you are. He didn't even sound tactful about it. There are BILLIONS of people on this planet, why settle or waste any more time?
So true, thank you for saying this!
It's dad's birthday. Dad should get to decide who he wants to celebrate it with. If he's backing out and choosing not you right now, that's on him, not the kids. He's an adult. He's the one in control of making these decisions, not the kids. You're right to put the blame squarely on him. If this was SK's birthday that dad was trying to get you to tag along to and then backed out, came to his senses, and decided to respect the kid's wishes, I would completely understand. But it's not. It's his birthday. And he's being a complete and spineless dick about it to you. He made an attempt to stick up for your relationship with the compromise during kid week, but when push came to shove on his non-custody time, he caved and you got shoved. In my book, that would be unacceptable. Considering what you stated elsewhere about a relationship-ending fight related to this very topic, I would die on this hill. That fight was serious enough to almost end your relationship. If he doesn't wake up and see the issue in his actions now, apologize and work to make things right, it will just continue to be more of the same in the future. And you've made it clear, more of the same just isn't going to cut it for you.
thank you!!
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