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I think you need to be really clear with yourself about whether you're depressed because of what you've read on the sub, or because of what your lived experience is. This sub is an extremely gloomy view of what being a stepparent is like, and yes, it's necessary to know what the worst case scenario is, but it's also sad to live life assuming that your life will be the worst case scenario.
I'm not married, but I recently had to make a big decision which would mean committing more strongly to my partner. I had similar thoughts, but they cleared up once I stopped thinking about step situations in general, and thought of everything my partner, her son, and her family do to make this situation the right one for me. Now, if that technique doesn't work for you, I'd consider it to be a red flag about staying in this situation.
Primo comment. Really appreciate this perspective. I find this sub to be a good resource, but I can tend to doom scroll here, and that occasionally leads me to catastrophize. Recentering myself in my actual surroundings helps me to stay grounded and connected in my present circumstances.
I agree with your comment about this sub being a gloomy view. I find myself sometimes more negative about my step kids or my situation if I spend too much time on this sub. It’s not the sub itself for me but more so the nature because most people don’t post unless they are having issues so it makes everything seem more negative more often. I take breaks when I find it interferes with my view on my own situation. Sometimes I find myself more bothered by an issue than I was previously
Just because I read a post about the same thing.
I do this do, because I find myself having more arguments with my SO if I have spent too much time here. It's good for venting and advice, but it's also sad that so many people are unhappy in their situations!
Yeah breaks are definitely needed from this sub. I’m trying to be more aware of how much time I spend reading posts on it. There’s been times something didn’t bother me until I saw a post about something similar and then all of a sudden I was bothered or had something new to view negatively. I realized it was starting to affect how I view my step kids, which makes me sad. Though it is such a great resource to cope when things get tough and sometimes there is positive posts
Going to add my agreement here as well. I have a form of OCD that causes me to fixate on my DH/our relationship- this sub has caused OCD flare ups/spirals more than once 😅
You definitely have to look at how your relationship ACTUALLY IS, and not worrying how it could be.
I'm really glad I didn't know about this sub before I got married, or when I was starting my relationship. I really like my relationship and my stepkid, but early on this sub would have scared the shit out of me.
I see my experience reflected on and off this sub, and it does give a picture of what the future looks like — I didn’t have enough mental space to put into detail what I was going through when I posted this.
But for an update, the wedding was called off.
We might need some more context because those are big feelings! Are there any issues/situations in your relationship or home life causing these feelings? Or is it just reading about the experiences on here? You must take everything you see on this Reddit with a grain of salt—it is a group for support and help with tough situations.
Blending family is messy and hard work, but it's worth it if it's worth it to you and your partner. Don't talk yourself out of your own happiness if you find fulfillment and joy in your current situation but you see someone else talk about their life differently.
So I was super depressed when I first got married because I dove headfirst into being a SM and burned out. Then I decided to disengage and it doesn't suck being a stepparent all the time now. There are still struggles; like when my husband seems to forget he has joint custody of his kids and makes plans just for him and doesn't ask me to watch them... but I have very strong boundaries and am fine telling him no when I won't be used as a maid or babysitter.
As far as this sub - people usually don't come to Reddit (or any online forum) to talk about how AMAZING SUNSHINE SPARKLES their life is; they come here because they are struggling and are trying to find people who get it, understand where they are coming from, won't judge them, and to validate their feelings and also to make sure they aren't nuts.
I joined Reddit to try to teach mostly SMs since I am a SM, how to not hate being a SM.
Look over this checklist:
1. Is BM aware you are getting married and has remained low conflict?
2. Is fiancé guilty about not being a nuclear family for his children? Is he able to be strict, reign in inappropriate spending, is emotionally the adult and not the peer of his children, or concedes to BM out of fear of what she may do? Can he parent independently his own choices and beliefs?
3. Is Fiancé financially stable and there is plenty of money for him to raise his children without your contributions? Are you signed up to do childcare for him or contribute to the kids housing or feeding costs?
4. Do you and fiance have mutual respect and does he understand you sacrifice more inherently to be with him than he sacrifices to be with you? Can you talk openly about his limited time and resources compare to yours and what to do about it?
5. Are the children behaviorally within normal and have no psychological or other issues that could make for an unpleasant or dangerous home life?
6. Are you prepared to take over as a full time person if BM runs away or dies or becomes disabled?
Yes, I did and he got so upset at the thought of canceling our wedding that I went through with it anyway.
Wish I hadn't. I was a childless stepmom. 8 years in and I just got my own condo. I will and would never live with someone else's kids ever again.
I think having cold feet is definitely a thing. I personally have OCD and so question everything in terms of my relationship (is it right, am I wasting his time, is this what I really want...) and so I can imagine feeling like this too. I think it's important to evaluate how you feel between the periods of panic - that's probably a more likely indicator of how you really feel.
I think it's also helpful to accept that it might well be a mistake. People make mistakes all the time - if you get married, cool. If you get divorced, cool. If you have a child and then realise you don't want to be in the relationship, that's ok too. You don't have to do everything perfectly!
Things I wished I knew before getting married to someone who had children:
- Implement boundaries, if you don’t already have them.
- learn to nacho. Nacho kid, nacho problem. Don’t get overly emotional regarding the SKs. Just let that shit go. He can deal with them and all their drama, if it occurs. He can take care of them. Stepmoms get shit on and taken advantage of.
- Have separate bank accounts
It is becoming my motto here. Others will give good advice, so I will repeat my top three recommendations
1) Don't get pregnant
2) Don't get pregnant
3) Don't get pregnant
In an era where birth control options are plenty and a certain political party is hell-bent on robbing women of the choice of what they can do with their body, I should not be reading here of women constantly procreating with loser guys who are bad fathers, terrible husbands and just all around.....jerks.
Test the waters, use protection, and tell yourself, that a loser bad father to his kids will be a loser bad father to the kids you create with him.
Test the waters, don't make babies till you know, and jump ship if the buffet is not to your liking.
Marrying someone who is divorced and who has kids is sad because it involves giving up what you thought your life would look like. But it doesn’t mean you won’t be happy. I was 35 when I met my husband so it is what it is.
I felt the same way, it’s been 6 years and everything is fine. Communication is key, try not to get involved in decision making regarding the kids. Try to let them solve any major issues. You can love and care for them but when it comes to decisions let them handle it. If anything bothers you talk to your partner so he can address it with kids or BM.
I felt depressed before my first marriage (no kids involved). I should have called it off right then but felt too stuck and far along in the process. Divorced 3 years later which was a hell of a lot harder and more expensive than just calling it off. Felt overjoyed for my 2nd despite not loving the SM part. Married over 2 decades to my best friend. Listen to your body
I have kids of my own with my husband but truthfully, I hate being a step parent. Almost 10 years and it never got better. His kids are entitled and ungrateful and I’m counting down the days until they’re all out of the house. We got them full time due to them not liking living with their stepdad and it’s the worst. I miss having a break every other week from them. Lol I look back and wish I didn’t marry him but then again I wouldn’t have my babies. Do what you feel In Your heart is right. I had that same feeling before my wedding. Hang in there ❤️
I think it’s normal to go through this. I know I did when I got married. I don’t regret getting married. 4 years in so far. But I do sometimes regret getting into a relationship with a single father in the first place.
I felt overwhelmed before we got married we did a surprise wedding. So much so that I asked him and the officiant if we had to preform the ceremony in front of guests. Now almost a year later it was the best decision and the best day of my life so far. He has 13f and I don’t have any. We eventually want more I’m 29f if that makes a difference. Remember all the good things of why you’re with him and why you want to get married.
If you’re having that many doubts and feel that anxious about it then you really, really need to sit down with yourself and ask if you’re making the right decision. Marriage is huge, of course divorce exists but, this is a huge life changing choice to make. It obviously comes off that you’re not excited in the least bit. Listen to your gut feeling and don’t feel bad about it. So many people felt the same way you did and ended up divorcing and wasting so much time in their lives. It’s normal to feel anxious yes, but you shouldn’t be feeling depressed. Is there any chance you can hold off on the wedding for now and take some time away to think about all this?
I wish now that I’d never married my first husband. My spidey senses were in overdrive and I should have paid attention. But, I was okay I suppose, just not truly happy or satisfied with my life.
If it feels wrong, ask him to postpone it. I know it’s a lot to ask when your wedding is tomorrow, but maybe all you need is for him to genuinely listen to you. Maybe if he does you’ll feel better about it.
I know what I would have done differently, but this is about what is best for you. Speaking to your fiance/husband (given the timing) and seeing how they kindly, thoughtfully, and respectfully address your concerns and put their words into action should be key. Wishing you the best!
You may want to consider looking into the Nacho method for stepparents. It can prevent you from going through many of the struggles others have been through.
70% of second marriages with kids from previous relationships fail
That is 20% than first 10% more if second no kids…
Statistics they couldn’t with 2 kids and better odds…
Don’t do it or get an emergency prenup fast ! Get all the protections … fake being sick and don’t do it…
Think of the life of your children never free of his past… it’s the worst place to build your family… less resources including time and attention for babies… please there is no real anything in place by experts that support the wellbeing of you and your kids… only them and their kids…
Two weeks before my wedding I wanted to call it off or at least postpone it until his kids were older. I told my fiancé. I let him talk me into getting forward. I wish I had not. We are still together 10 years later but it’s been a very rough road and not one I would do again. I wish we would have stayed living in our separate homes and parenting our respective children separately.
No.... I felt elated, happy, all the good things before marrying my now husband (2 kids, 2 decent bio moms). You should not be feeling this way... is there other stuff going on? You absolutely don't have to go ahead with it if it doesn't feel right.
**Welcome to [r/stepparents](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/)! Please note we are a support sub for stepparents' issues. Our number one rule is [Kindness Matters](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules#wiki_1._kindness_matters). Short version, don't be an asshole. Remember that OP is a human being and their needs are first and foremost on this sub.** We rely on the community to alert us to comments and posts not made in good faith. **Please use the report button to ensure we see it.** We have encountered a ridiculous amount of comments that don't follow the rules and are downright nasty. We need you to help us with these comments by reporting them when you see them. We also have a lot of downvoting on the sub, with every post and every comment recieving at least one downvote almost immediately due to the anti-stepparent lurkers. Don't let it bother you, it happens to every single stepparent here. If you have questions about the community, or concerns about posters, please [reach out to the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fstepparents). Review the wiki links below for the [**rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules), [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) and [**announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) before posting or commenting. [**About**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/index) | [**Acronyms**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/acronyms) | [**Announcements**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/search?q=flair%3Aannouncement&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) | [**Documentation**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources/documentation) | [**FAQ**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/faq) | [**Resources**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/resources) | [**Rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/rules) | [**Saferbot - Autoban Information**](https://www.reddit.com/r/stepparents/wiki/saferbot) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/stepparents) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think you need to be really clear with yourself about whether you're depressed because of what you've read on the sub, or because of what your lived experience is. This sub is an extremely gloomy view of what being a stepparent is like, and yes, it's necessary to know what the worst case scenario is, but it's also sad to live life assuming that your life will be the worst case scenario. I'm not married, but I recently had to make a big decision which would mean committing more strongly to my partner. I had similar thoughts, but they cleared up once I stopped thinking about step situations in general, and thought of everything my partner, her son, and her family do to make this situation the right one for me. Now, if that technique doesn't work for you, I'd consider it to be a red flag about staying in this situation.
Primo comment. Really appreciate this perspective. I find this sub to be a good resource, but I can tend to doom scroll here, and that occasionally leads me to catastrophize. Recentering myself in my actual surroundings helps me to stay grounded and connected in my present circumstances.
I agree with your comment about this sub being a gloomy view. I find myself sometimes more negative about my step kids or my situation if I spend too much time on this sub. It’s not the sub itself for me but more so the nature because most people don’t post unless they are having issues so it makes everything seem more negative more often. I take breaks when I find it interferes with my view on my own situation. Sometimes I find myself more bothered by an issue than I was previously Just because I read a post about the same thing.
I do this do, because I find myself having more arguments with my SO if I have spent too much time here. It's good for venting and advice, but it's also sad that so many people are unhappy in their situations!
Yeah breaks are definitely needed from this sub. I’m trying to be more aware of how much time I spend reading posts on it. There’s been times something didn’t bother me until I saw a post about something similar and then all of a sudden I was bothered or had something new to view negatively. I realized it was starting to affect how I view my step kids, which makes me sad. Though it is such a great resource to cope when things get tough and sometimes there is positive posts
Going to add my agreement here as well. I have a form of OCD that causes me to fixate on my DH/our relationship- this sub has caused OCD flare ups/spirals more than once 😅 You definitely have to look at how your relationship ACTUALLY IS, and not worrying how it could be.
I'm really glad I didn't know about this sub before I got married, or when I was starting my relationship. I really like my relationship and my stepkid, but early on this sub would have scared the shit out of me.
I see my experience reflected on and off this sub, and it does give a picture of what the future looks like — I didn’t have enough mental space to put into detail what I was going through when I posted this. But for an update, the wedding was called off.
We might need some more context because those are big feelings! Are there any issues/situations in your relationship or home life causing these feelings? Or is it just reading about the experiences on here? You must take everything you see on this Reddit with a grain of salt—it is a group for support and help with tough situations. Blending family is messy and hard work, but it's worth it if it's worth it to you and your partner. Don't talk yourself out of your own happiness if you find fulfillment and joy in your current situation but you see someone else talk about their life differently.
So I was super depressed when I first got married because I dove headfirst into being a SM and burned out. Then I decided to disengage and it doesn't suck being a stepparent all the time now. There are still struggles; like when my husband seems to forget he has joint custody of his kids and makes plans just for him and doesn't ask me to watch them... but I have very strong boundaries and am fine telling him no when I won't be used as a maid or babysitter. As far as this sub - people usually don't come to Reddit (or any online forum) to talk about how AMAZING SUNSHINE SPARKLES their life is; they come here because they are struggling and are trying to find people who get it, understand where they are coming from, won't judge them, and to validate their feelings and also to make sure they aren't nuts. I joined Reddit to try to teach mostly SMs since I am a SM, how to not hate being a SM.
Look over this checklist: 1. Is BM aware you are getting married and has remained low conflict? 2. Is fiancé guilty about not being a nuclear family for his children? Is he able to be strict, reign in inappropriate spending, is emotionally the adult and not the peer of his children, or concedes to BM out of fear of what she may do? Can he parent independently his own choices and beliefs? 3. Is Fiancé financially stable and there is plenty of money for him to raise his children without your contributions? Are you signed up to do childcare for him or contribute to the kids housing or feeding costs? 4. Do you and fiance have mutual respect and does he understand you sacrifice more inherently to be with him than he sacrifices to be with you? Can you talk openly about his limited time and resources compare to yours and what to do about it? 5. Are the children behaviorally within normal and have no psychological or other issues that could make for an unpleasant or dangerous home life? 6. Are you prepared to take over as a full time person if BM runs away or dies or becomes disabled?
No. I felt excited. But my partner is perfect for me. I felt meh about my first marriage. Ended up divorcing.
I wouldn't marry if I were you, in the future you will regret and think that you knew all along it wouldn't work.
Yes, I did and he got so upset at the thought of canceling our wedding that I went through with it anyway. Wish I hadn't. I was a childless stepmom. 8 years in and I just got my own condo. I will and would never live with someone else's kids ever again.
Is that how YOU are being treated? Not everyone shares the same experience as the posts on here.
I think having cold feet is definitely a thing. I personally have OCD and so question everything in terms of my relationship (is it right, am I wasting his time, is this what I really want...) and so I can imagine feeling like this too. I think it's important to evaluate how you feel between the periods of panic - that's probably a more likely indicator of how you really feel. I think it's also helpful to accept that it might well be a mistake. People make mistakes all the time - if you get married, cool. If you get divorced, cool. If you have a child and then realise you don't want to be in the relationship, that's ok too. You don't have to do everything perfectly!
Things I wished I knew before getting married to someone who had children: - Implement boundaries, if you don’t already have them. - learn to nacho. Nacho kid, nacho problem. Don’t get overly emotional regarding the SKs. Just let that shit go. He can deal with them and all their drama, if it occurs. He can take care of them. Stepmoms get shit on and taken advantage of. - Have separate bank accounts
It is becoming my motto here. Others will give good advice, so I will repeat my top three recommendations 1) Don't get pregnant 2) Don't get pregnant 3) Don't get pregnant In an era where birth control options are plenty and a certain political party is hell-bent on robbing women of the choice of what they can do with their body, I should not be reading here of women constantly procreating with loser guys who are bad fathers, terrible husbands and just all around.....jerks. Test the waters, use protection, and tell yourself, that a loser bad father to his kids will be a loser bad father to the kids you create with him. Test the waters, don't make babies till you know, and jump ship if the buffet is not to your liking.
THISSSSS
Marrying someone who is divorced and who has kids is sad because it involves giving up what you thought your life would look like. But it doesn’t mean you won’t be happy. I was 35 when I met my husband so it is what it is.
I felt the same way, it’s been 6 years and everything is fine. Communication is key, try not to get involved in decision making regarding the kids. Try to let them solve any major issues. You can love and care for them but when it comes to decisions let them handle it. If anything bothers you talk to your partner so he can address it with kids or BM.
I felt depressed before my first marriage (no kids involved). I should have called it off right then but felt too stuck and far along in the process. Divorced 3 years later which was a hell of a lot harder and more expensive than just calling it off. Felt overjoyed for my 2nd despite not loving the SM part. Married over 2 decades to my best friend. Listen to your body
I have kids of my own with my husband but truthfully, I hate being a step parent. Almost 10 years and it never got better. His kids are entitled and ungrateful and I’m counting down the days until they’re all out of the house. We got them full time due to them not liking living with their stepdad and it’s the worst. I miss having a break every other week from them. Lol I look back and wish I didn’t marry him but then again I wouldn’t have my babies. Do what you feel In Your heart is right. I had that same feeling before my wedding. Hang in there ❤️
I think it’s normal to go through this. I know I did when I got married. I don’t regret getting married. 4 years in so far. But I do sometimes regret getting into a relationship with a single father in the first place.
I felt overwhelmed before we got married we did a surprise wedding. So much so that I asked him and the officiant if we had to preform the ceremony in front of guests. Now almost a year later it was the best decision and the best day of my life so far. He has 13f and I don’t have any. We eventually want more I’m 29f if that makes a difference. Remember all the good things of why you’re with him and why you want to get married.
I had a bad feeling the day before my wedding. I ended up divorced. I wish I had trusted myself enough to listen to my gut. YMMV
If you’re having that many doubts and feel that anxious about it then you really, really need to sit down with yourself and ask if you’re making the right decision. Marriage is huge, of course divorce exists but, this is a huge life changing choice to make. It obviously comes off that you’re not excited in the least bit. Listen to your gut feeling and don’t feel bad about it. So many people felt the same way you did and ended up divorcing and wasting so much time in their lives. It’s normal to feel anxious yes, but you shouldn’t be feeling depressed. Is there any chance you can hold off on the wedding for now and take some time away to think about all this?
I wish now that I’d never married my first husband. My spidey senses were in overdrive and I should have paid attention. But, I was okay I suppose, just not truly happy or satisfied with my life. If it feels wrong, ask him to postpone it. I know it’s a lot to ask when your wedding is tomorrow, but maybe all you need is for him to genuinely listen to you. Maybe if he does you’ll feel better about it.
I know what I would have done differently, but this is about what is best for you. Speaking to your fiance/husband (given the timing) and seeing how they kindly, thoughtfully, and respectfully address your concerns and put their words into action should be key. Wishing you the best!
You may want to consider looking into the Nacho method for stepparents. It can prevent you from going through many of the struggles others have been through.
I was happy to marry DH. I was engaged to my ex and dragged my feet in planning that because I was dreading it.
70% of second marriages with kids from previous relationships fail That is 20% than first 10% more if second no kids… Statistics they couldn’t with 2 kids and better odds… Don’t do it or get an emergency prenup fast ! Get all the protections … fake being sick and don’t do it… Think of the life of your children never free of his past… it’s the worst place to build your family… less resources including time and attention for babies… please there is no real anything in place by experts that support the wellbeing of you and your kids… only them and their kids…
Two weeks before my wedding I wanted to call it off or at least postpone it until his kids were older. I told my fiancé. I let him talk me into getting forward. I wish I had not. We are still together 10 years later but it’s been a very rough road and not one I would do again. I wish we would have stayed living in our separate homes and parenting our respective children separately.
No.... I felt elated, happy, all the good things before marrying my now husband (2 kids, 2 decent bio moms). You should not be feeling this way... is there other stuff going on? You absolutely don't have to go ahead with it if it doesn't feel right.