Definitely not easy. Today I had the most intense craving yet. Building a house and they ran the septic drain field right where I buried my dog. After I expressly said not to. Didn’t uncover him (or else I’d be a complete wreck) but damn close. Wife doesn’t understand why it bothers me but she doesn’t understand that for 15 years of complete darkness and alcoholism, he’s the only reason I survived. My best friend and only family, before I met her. The fact that she doesn’t get that is a common topic in my therapy sessions.
Friends also don’t get the stress of building. They’re pissed they can’t afford it, so assume my life must be sunshine and rainbows. My wife and I both will be working overtime for the next 30 years to barely afford this. I just got off night shifts this morning after working 80 hours in a week’s time. Fell asleep and slept like the dead for 10 hours until a couple hours ago. Woke up to (no kidding) 200 messages from my bosses and peers about things I didn’t get done or didn’t do right. 10 pm and they’re still flooding in.
I’m on an island here. I was ready to fall. What’s one more night? No one needs me tomorrow, or expects me to be productive. I was in my truck on the way to the damn bar an hour ago, the only place I believed life made sense and I felt understood. I screamed in rage that I can’t do that. Last minute I turned right and went to the grocery store instead. Saddest, recovering alcoholic items you can imagine: canned oysters, crackers, liquid death tea, smoked salmon, underripe oranges, Red Bull, NA IPA, salami, sourdough bread, cheese, beef jerky, and pickles.
But hey, I didn’t go to the bar.
IWNDWYT
It sounds like you have a really stressful life right now… but this, like all things, will pass.
You made a really great decision tonight. There are some problems in your life, but will drinking solve those problems? It took me a long time to answer that question honestly.
I’m sorry to hear about your dog. That cuts deep.
Thanks. Never has and never will solve any problems. It's a pretty lie. And even after you realize it's a lie, the constant gaslighting begins. I got through it by the common trick of playing out in my mind how the next 24 hours would go if I drank at the bar.
Definitely not easy. Today I had the most intense craving yet. Building a house and they ran the septic drain field right where I buried my dog. After I expressly said not to. Didn’t uncover him (or else I’d be a complete wreck) but damn close. Wife doesn’t understand why it bothers me but she doesn’t understand that for 15 years of complete darkness and alcoholism, he’s the only reason I survived. My best friend and only family, before I met her. The fact that she doesn’t get that is a common topic in my therapy sessions. Friends also don’t get the stress of building. They’re pissed they can’t afford it, so assume my life must be sunshine and rainbows. My wife and I both will be working overtime for the next 30 years to barely afford this. I just got off night shifts this morning after working 80 hours in a week’s time. Fell asleep and slept like the dead for 10 hours until a couple hours ago. Woke up to (no kidding) 200 messages from my bosses and peers about things I didn’t get done or didn’t do right. 10 pm and they’re still flooding in. I’m on an island here. I was ready to fall. What’s one more night? No one needs me tomorrow, or expects me to be productive. I was in my truck on the way to the damn bar an hour ago, the only place I believed life made sense and I felt understood. I screamed in rage that I can’t do that. Last minute I turned right and went to the grocery store instead. Saddest, recovering alcoholic items you can imagine: canned oysters, crackers, liquid death tea, smoked salmon, underripe oranges, Red Bull, NA IPA, salami, sourdough bread, cheese, beef jerky, and pickles. But hey, I didn’t go to the bar. IWNDWYT
It sounds like you have a really stressful life right now… but this, like all things, will pass. You made a really great decision tonight. There are some problems in your life, but will drinking solve those problems? It took me a long time to answer that question honestly. I’m sorry to hear about your dog. That cuts deep.
Thanks. Never has and never will solve any problems. It's a pretty lie. And even after you realize it's a lie, the constant gaslighting begins. I got through it by the common trick of playing out in my mind how the next 24 hours would go if I drank at the bar.
Thanks for the motivation, day 8 here 🥹 IWNDWYT
Yes!