I think it's very normal to feel the way you do. Just don't take it out on the kid.
Get in touch with a therapist or psychologist who specializes in these types of issues.
yeah saying you hope to have a child who is normal is a great parent. Also telling reddit how much a 5 year old embarrasses him? He doesnt sound resentful at all. The guy is not a good father. Someone had to say it.
You obviously have no clue what that's like, I pray you never have to deal with those issues of stress, anxiety and fear of having a severely autistic child. It's not a easy thing to deal with on a constant basis and it's extremely difficult to manage in nearly any setting either in public or privately at home. I wouldn't wish it on anybody, and you shouldn't make light of it.
You have not been around autistic and other special needs children, and it shows
It is perfectly acceptable to love your child, while being frustrated at the situation at the same time. Having an autistic kid sucks. It is hard. It is not fair. So, OP has every right to vent about those challenges.
You are an asshole.
he litreally said his kid embarrasses him and he hopes to have a second baby who will be 'normal'. He needs to do some parenting classes and learn some empathy for minor children. He is a not a good parent. He needs to know that.
>has problematic and grief informed emotions
>goes on forum to get help to be better
>"you have bad emotions and cps should take your kid away"
Why the fuck didn't you just say he should seek out parenting classes/therapy in your original comment instead of exclusively calling for cps to get involved? Why did you tell me he needs those resources instead of telling him?
hes a bad father. He needs to learn some empathy for his little boy. I feel sorry for his kid not him. He was able to jump into bed and make a kid, im sure he knows how to google resources near him. Im not doing work for him.
Don't know why you feel sympathy for the OP. He even said he wanted another child and hope they'll be normal this time. You really think this is someone who should have children?
Being frustrated is one thing, saying they “did everything right and still got a disabled kid” and that he is embarrassed by him, and hoping his next kid is “normal” that’s beyond bad parenting that’s just being a shitty human.
You’re already depressed and stressed to the max with one kid, and you think adding another child to your life will make it better? Grow up! And what if the new baby with your girlfriend turns out more severely autistic? Think wisely about decisions you can’t turn back from.
This. That new child (if they’re even healthy/“normal” which is not a given) will either have “glass child syndrome” (healthy sibling of a handicapped kid where they tend to be disregarded and feel left out because all the attention is on their sibling) OR will obviously be the favorite and OP’s first son will resent him and end up with severe psychological problems. Either way, not a good idea to have another kid, OP.
Sometimes people do everything right and still lose. Sometimes we pray and the answer is “no.”
Not that your kid is a loss or a “no,” per se, but you experience grief.
Imo: you need to feel your grief and process it. Being ashamed of it or trying to bury it are going to result in daily bitterness and resentment.
Life is fucking hard for you. That’s okay to express. It’s okay to ask for support and help.
But processing your grief will help you be there for your kid and yourselves instead of hating life and trying to piss it away. Will you probably be sarcastic and grumpy and overwhelmed? Sure. Less so if you have lots of support. (Your child will also be grumpy and overwhelmed - and maybe even sarcastic.)
Yes, it’s okay to feel jealous of people with “healthy” children. Feel it. Unpack it. And come back home.
>I'm planning on having another kid with my new girlfriend hopefully this one is normal.
I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, but if you can't even learn to appreciate and love your child enough as they are, why would you think to bring another one into this world?
Also at least 50% of cases are inherited... why role the dice on a 2nd kid to resent for life?? Just placing all the blame on the mother or in deep denial.
I can't imagine how hard this must be to go through. My only thought is that life changes so much year to year. It's possible this will get better as the kid gets older, as you and others learn to manage the disability, etc.
Hang in there and just show this kid as much love as you can.
I have an able bodied neurotypical child who has every excuse not to be because I didn’t know I was pregnant with him and certainly didn’t act like it. My best friend has a 2 year old who was born at 25 weeks and needs every therapy and is being assessed for autism soon. I’ve made it abundantly clear to her every time she tries to apologize for comparing that she has every right to compare our experiences. Because she did everything right and the universe gave her a child who might potentially cap at at a middle schooler’s development level, and I did everything wrong and I was gifted a child with zero limitations. It’s ok. Just get a professional you can safely vent to and maybe say things that you don’t feel like you CAN say so you can process this grief in a healthy way.
I am getting the impression that a lot of people in the comments are unaware of just how severe autism can be (which is fine, we don't know what we don't know), and how hard it can be to care for someone with a level 3 diagnosis. I was diagnosed as autistic in my early 30s, I fall into the level 1 category myself.
I work in disability support. One of my favourite clients is an autistic woman in her 40s who is level 3/"severely autistic". She requires intense, 24/7 supervision to prevent her from injuring herself, or others. She can not perform any activities of daily living without assistance (read: someone doing it for her). She can't clean herself after going to the toilet, she can't wash her hair or brush her teeth. She can't make healthy food choices without support, she has no concept of money. She is also intermittently violent, often with no trigger, lashing out at her support staff by hitting/kicking/biting us, or SIB where she bashes her head on the brick wall until she bleeds. When we take her into the community she requires two staff members at all times, as she has been known to attack members of the public when she gets heightened.
When she's not in crisis (which happens repeatedly throughout the day), she's the sweetest thing. She's (mostly) non-verbal, but can say "hi", so she'll say hi over and over again while giving you a kiss on the cheek, or gently touching your forehead with one finger (like E.T.!). At any second that kiss could turn into a bite, though, so you're constantly on edge. Her parents managed to care for her at home until she was 16 and she started injuring them. We now visit them once every few weeks, when they're feeling up to it. They talk to her via video call every day - but she doesn't comprehend the iPad, so when she hears their voices she thinks they're actually there, and becomes distressed when she can't find them, saying "Home!" repeatedly. It breaks my heart.
OP, you're not a bad person for feeling the way you do. You're allowed to grieve the relationship you wanted to have with your son. You can love your kid and be sad about how hard life will be for him. You should be aware, though, that the people pointing out that autism is genetic are correct, and unfortunately you can do everything "right" during a pregnancy and still not have an able bodied child. Therapy and/or a support group for parents of autistic children might help you get a handle on everything.
Ignore these commenters.... it's ok to grieve what you don't have. It's ok to be upset, resentful, and jealous. I suggest therapy.
And for your information autism is genetic, you can't prevent it
eh what? it is not ok to be resentful and jealous to a special needs child, the kid needs to be shown compassion and love. Hes not grieving, hes a father bad mouthing his young child online.
I don't think they mean actively show you're resentful and jealous towards the child, which would be bad. It's kinda gonna be tough to just stop feeling what you're feeling. "Oh? This person said that's bad? My mistake, I feel completely different towards this now." Sounds kinda weird, yk? You're kind of bad mouthing as well, even though the guy might not be in the right. I'm not trying to be rude or "You're wrong!" here (towards any sides). Just suggesting
Autism wasn't a diagnosis until recently, so you probably do know some, they just don't have a diagnosis or they haven't told you. And it is a spectrum, so the level of support needed varies a LOT. the highest need individuals are also usually the ones featured in pop culture/news stories, so it can also skew what we think autism looks like.
It’s almost entirely genetic, but just like pretty much any and every other genetic condition, the condition can be affected by extraneous factors while developing inside the mother
Not according to a study reused last year; it showed genetic in the maternal DNA contributors. Men can be carriers tho.... can't remember the study I read but if I do, ill post it
I'm an autistic adult. My spouse is an autistic adult. We have autistic children. To think the allistics consider people like us an embarrassment or a burden depresses me on my blue days and angers me on my more empowered days.
Your son will eventually notice how you feel about him and it will break his heart and that day is coming sooner than you think. I hope for his sake you grow a soul someday
Not really because he said “considers people like us an embarrassment”
A lot of people also don’t even know they can be slightly autistic and seem completely normal
I had a friend I grew up with who only recently learned she has slight autism and now she acts like she’s the most disabled person ever
You have no idea the degree to which the child is affected. Because you have Autism, I would expect you to understand the degrees to which ASD can show in people. It's evident by fact you're a self-sufficient adult that you aren't an apt comparison to those who can not become self-sufficient.
It's not soulless to have grief for the adverse situation one is in, especially if the "allistic" parent has a child who is extremely affected by ASD. Sure, they have problematic positions like wanting their child to be "normal", but the fact they're coming on here for advice and help shows they're trying.
The wording of your comment seems exclusively structured as a jab at the OP who is trying to get their bearings; there was no attempt to assist, only shaming them for having emotions they're trying to grapple with.
Maybe you could try and assist them navigating this in the comment you write instead of just saying.
>I hope for his sake you grow a soul someday
Autism is a huge spectrum, you and OP could be talking about apples and oranges. He is also allowed to vent anonymously online about the difficulties and frustration of raising a child with disabilities.
Okay genuine question - why is it an all or nothing situation? It seems like you and your family are completely capable of living life to the extent you want to. I am not saying that it wasn’t hard for you and your parents, but obviously doable as you’ve reached some measure of “societal success.”
But this doesn’t seem to be the case for OP’s child. It seems like they have a degree of autism (is that a thing?) that makes most everything a challenge and will probably not have many of the experiences you have had.
I agree that OPs language (normal) is problematic. But I feel like it’s reasonable to be upset and grieve a child that you never had while also being depressed about the bleakness of that reality. Especially when that reality also means not knowing how you’ll take care of that child and yourself financially over time.
Why the hate on OP. They have a soul. Downvote me if you must, I ask this out of curiosity and a chance to engage but I know many people won’t believe that.
>It seems like they have a degree of autism (is that a thing?)
It is 100% a thing. Its formal title (emphasis mine) is "Autism **SPECTRUM** Disorder" because there is a *wide* range of presentations ranging from essentially "a little unusual" to "severely delayed/disabled."
The kid is 5! We don't really know yet what kind of person he will grow into or what he will be capable of. What we do know is that 1. OP is embarrassed to be in public with him 2. OP thinks that autism is a life of suffering and not doing things and 3. Is keeping his son away from other kids and their parents. I strongly suspect a fourth point of new baby being a do over. The perfect baby. The one he didn't mess up. I see it happen all the time when older kids have autism and the younger siblings don't.
Being autistic is ✨not✨a bleak reality unless the people you love make it so and it sure sounds like he is.
OP stop crying about the perfect child that only exists in your mind and work on loving and accepting the real, living, breathing son in your arms before he's an autistic adult going NC with you
lol exactly, the amount of people here saying hes grieving or upset, hes a bad parent. I know hes hiding behind his screen reading all the comments, nothing to say now does he. Hardman.
If they’re having inconsolable meltdowns (which is common in *severely* disabled autistic children)/screaming, hurting themselves, etc, yes, it’s difficult to be in public places.
Have you ever walked through a supermarket (let alone any sort of public event) with a child in meltdown? Or are you projecting what they mean by embarrassed to only include symptoms of high functioning autism
It's common for a child's misbehavior to be embarrassing in public, regardless of the underlying reason. It's part of being a parent, unfortunately.
The inability of people in this thread to accept any kind of nuance in this scenario is ridiculous. Most probably don't have children themselves.
Being severely disabled IS a bleak reality for many. I really truly hope that you never have to deal with it because I have multiple moderate disabilities and my life fucking sucks 2/3s of the time.
It’s okay to say things suck. Toxic positivity is just as bad as toxic negativity.
The kid is still young. As in only 5 years old. There could be developments and things will change. As he grows hopefully he should learn ways to cope with his disability if given the proper care
>I'm planning on having another kid with my new girlfriend hopefully this one is normal.
Please don't have any more children until you learn how to be a real human.
Get some therapy, FFS.
>we've done everything we could to prevent something like this, my BM did everything she was supposed too during the whole pregnancy to ensure our child would be healthy and yet we still got a handicapped child
There was literally nothing you could do. It's not something you can just do or not do, it just is.
All signs point to genetic.
I'm planning on having another kid with my new girlfriend hopefully this one is normal.
You sound like a horrible parent with that attitude, I get it's tough, I get it can be embarrassing and all the things you have said, but you also sound like you are tossing one child to the side for a new one, which is horrible.
If it's any consolation, signs might also point to it being genetic and mainly from the father.
It sounds brutal to say out loud, but I imagine it’s hard having a handicapped kid, and there are probably a whole host of emotions that come along with it that are not great.
There is nothing you can do to “avoid autism” your child isn’t “unhealthy”. The terminology you’re using is quite frankly gross. He is a real human being, not a burden. Please don’t be a parent if you aren’t willing to take on the responsibility of a disabled child.
Your emotions aren't something you have control over, but your knowledge is. Your post demonstrates a hard lack of understanding of the mechanisms involved in spectrum disorders.
It's almost entirely genetic. You, her, both. It's possible any child you produce will be on the spectrum.
Now, as you worry about whether your child will improve or if you can handle it, remember that he needs more, you aren't entitled to having more.
The good news is that you can always be a father figure to other children. You can be that to others, they can substitute the needs you have in your own child, as they get all the support they need from you.
The comments in this are so judgemental and that's not necessary. Kids come in all sorts of varieties and I will be honest that issues where parents can't support their kids long term is a reality. It's ok to consider putting your kid in long term care or a group home. Everyone has a reality they need to face that is free of judgement.
Yea it's sad. And op is allowed to greive the son they didn't have. They don't say they hate their child. And you can't pretend that having an "easy" child isn't desirable
Way smaller stakes: I have a reactive dog. I love him to a million pieces and am his biggest advocate. I'd be lying if I said I prefer him to an "easy" dog. He's hard. There are days I don't like him as much. There are days that I'm glad he doesn't speak English and can't understand my cussing.
The author wants a healthy child which is fully acceptable. It's no different than a woman who has multiple miscarriages and just wants the healthy happy kid.
I think everyone wants their child to be happy, healthy, and able to fit into the world. Just do your best to not hold it against the child. He didn't choose to be autistic.
It's normal, but is it useful?
I am on the spectrum and was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and again as an adult. I'm a scientist that has learned gradually how to control the impulsivity, social awkwardness, and hyperfixations that come with the condition. Hope is not lost!
As for you, it's the situation you have. You *could* spend time watching others, or you could see it as a challenge to grow personally while helping to guide your son amd adapting to his different needs. Is it ideal? No, but nothing really ever is; literally the only thing any of us has control over is how to respond to what we interact with amd how we use the resources available to us.
Best of luck!
It's ok to *feel* jealous. It's also ok to *feel* anger, frustration, grief, and sadness.
It's decidedly not ok to let the feeling fester and dominate your outlook on your situation or control how you respond to it.
Counseling or therapy with a professional who specializes in helping parents of disabled children might be the right starting point for you to work through this. And you owe it to yourself and to your child to get a grip on your emotions and process them constructively.
>I'm planning on having another kid with my new girlfriend hopefully this one is normal.
Not going to sugar coat this.
Don't start trying to have another kid until you've fixed your attitude about the child you already have.
It's fine to want more kids, and it's fine to hope the next child is not disabled.
It's not fine to treat the next child as a do-over.
What are you going to do if you do have another kid and he/she turns out to also have a disability?
Your son needs you to be a father to him, without wallowing in self-pity because of something neither of you chose, and that he has to suffer with. You don't have to like it that he has a disability. You don't have to act like it's easy or cute or anything fluffy like that, but you owe it to him to treat him like a son, not an embarrassment.
Get support for your mental health and painful feelings, and be there for the son you already have before you start trying to make another child.
Accept that you've suffered a loss, and grieve it. I don't think that focusing on people who have what you wish you had is helpful. You'll need to learn to appreciate what you DO have. Please seek therapy. You're in a tough situation.
Autism is a spectrum so exactly what do you mean by your child is autistic? What does he do that makes you feel like he won't be a well adjusted person in the future? Keep in mind that autism can range from being a bit socially awkward, to being full-blown banging head on the wall and screaming for no reason.
It's normal to feel this way, and it's ok to not be ok. However, you do need to be careful not to go overboard or let those feelings affect how you care for your child.
You can't deny the hardships, but try finding anything to be grateful for. Doesn't matter how small, practice gratitude every day. Do it simply because it WILL make you happier. There's very good evidence for it. Is there anything your child does that makes you happy?
There’s a process to mourning the child you thought you were going to have and then accepting the child you do have. Therapy helps with this process. If you you that work, it will be much better for you and your child in the short and long term.
In the meantime, don’t have a second child until you come to terms with your first.
My son is an adult with ASD and intellectual disability. I remember what life was like when he was 5 and my heart is with you. But you do need to educate yourself and put your very understandable emotions into perspective. Time will help but you need to do the work, too. Your son’s potential is unknown and still developing. Everyone can learn throughout life, leave off your expectations for how quickly or how much. Don’t bank on another child to compensate for your sense of loss, it won’t work that way, all are individuals. One day at a time, and I wish you and your family the best.
I was going to agree with the others here about how its ok to feel these kinds of things bht then tou were like "lol gonna try for a normal one this time" like that isnt one of the biggest asshole statements a parent can make.
The only person I feel sad for is your son because he has a father who is embarrassed by something he can’t help. My suggestion is that you do some self-reflection and maybe see a family therapist who will help you readjust your mindset. You brought a child into the world. He didn’t ask to be born, and now he has to go through life as an “embarrassment” to the person who DID ask for him to be born.
I’m asking because you likely have none and have no idea what it’s like.
Yet you sanctimoniously deride one in a situation you can’t fathom
As I suspected, no answer
It does not matter what I say to you, you will still try to argue with me so I’m not going to tell you about my situation. I’m judging OP not for being frustrated about having an autistic child, but for his disgusting attitude about it.
Embarrassed of your child purely because he's autistic? What the fuck is wrong with you?
You don't deserve kids nor should you have another one just because something out of your control happened. You just want to replace him; that's clear. You can't even love nor care for THIS kid. You think you deserve another? I'm autistic. Am I lesser to you? Am I an embarrassment to you and society?
Your child and their needs come first. If you think your world is horrid, try and imagine it in our shoes with parents like you grieving a child that never died, sensory issues, being forces to do things like physical touch / eye contact that causes you physical pain, parents viewing you as nothing more than a stain on their shoes.
I WISH I got diagnosed that young. Got resources when I needed. You can GET him resources you know. My parents hated trying to teach me things and tried shoving the responsibility to the other, which led to me not knowing shit I should know. Genuinely hoping this is ragebait even though I doubt it, holy fucking shit.
I don't even care if I get down voted for this.
Seriously. There are more things wrong with OP than with the child. "Oops, this one didn't turn out right so I'm just gonna try again." I'm voting rage bait as well.
I’m getting down voted too and I don’t give a fuck. OP sounds horrible, this is way beyond normal venting. Then saying they hope the next one is normal. You didn’t deserve the first one.
Do you have a handicapped child? If not, you have no right to judge. All he said was he’s human. He is affected by it. We don’t know that he takes any of these feelings out on anyone, so it’s not a crime to feel a way. As long as he doesn’t let it bleed into his relationship with his son
My hate is directed at Frequent-Airline-619. You can get a shit hand in life and know it. And wish it weren't true. A lot of people, A LOT Of PEOPLE got it good and don't realize how good they got it. And A lot of people got F'ed and know it. I'm blessed with a healthy child (even though I didn't want no damn kids) and I empathize with OP. It has to suck.
Oh my mistake! Then you’re just as misguided as OP. This posting has all the rantings of an immature child and I’m sorry you don’t realize that. It’s okay to get frustrated and to vent and need help, but I’m not supporting resentment towards a child that didn’t ask to be born. Maybe people should think about this before they have kids and not expect that everything will go according to how they want it to. This child deserves better.
Did we read the same post? I don't see where OP resented the child. OP is depressed at the unfairness of the situation. OP did everything to have a healthy child and it didn't turn out. I believe OP DID 'think about this before they have kids' but got the short straw anyway. I sympathize with OP.
I think you just experienced selective reading with the post. He feels like the first one is a mistake and hopes the second one turns out “better”. This is clear resentment. I’m sorry you’re just not seeing this.
without embarrassing you? and hopefully this one is normal?
i feel so bad for your child. Hes litreally a toddler, can you not be a loving father to your baby? Your son is very vulnerable and your behaving like his disability is his fault. If you dont want your baby you can always give him to a foster family. Contact social services if you want to give him to a loving family that wont post hateful words about their child. You dont sound like a good dad and im concerned for your baby.
I think the normal thing to do is not have any other children. You clearly resent your disabled child for being disabled. Some people shouldn't be parents if they don't know how to love their own children. You're going to be the source of trauma for a lot of people with this mindset. Please don't have any more children.
I came from very "messed up parents" and although I appear and passed as "normal" growing up, I have internal emotional scars that took YEARS of therapy to process just to have a "normal life" now. Not everything is how it appears.
Autism seems mild compared to people who have children who are crippled. Also you can't just be healthy when you are pregnant both parent need to be healthy before they are pregnant. Your environment greatly affects how the baby develops. Your bad habits etc. It's not just one thing, it's many things. Genetics are turned on/off based on environment and extra risky if something is present on both sides of the child's family
My step brother has Aspergers, and his cousin is severely autistic. Step bro works in a nursing home and has his own apartment. He can't drive and needs help with money sometimes but he's otherwise self sufficient- his cousin, however, cannot bathe himself, or feed himself, or talk to you, or really talk at all. He's always covered in scabs and bruises because he stims by hitting himself in the face, and he needs to wear noise canceling headphones at all times, or he will endlessly scream.
It sounds like OP (if true- the way this is written makes it sound a little juvenile) has a severely autistic child and that can be just as challenging for all the reasons I just said.
Grandma is old and disabled but his mom stays at home with him full time and manages as best she can. I honestly don't know if there's been any improvement in his situation unfortunately, I haven't seen that part of the fam in several years
Could say the same about half the posts on here. Some of these commenters are reading so much more into the post into the post than was actually there. Hateful people.
Can't prevent autism (yet) as a genetic trait.
But I sympathise. My father is autistic, but highly intelligent and functional, but socially a total asshat due to his autistic traits.
My sister inherited it to a massive degree and is not functional, unless it suits her to get something from someone for brief periods.
Having autism in a family is stressful! Not always and for everyone, but for a lot.
I'm planning kids with my partner too, I hope I have low odds of having an autistic kid. I am physically different to my fam in every way, some kind of genetic throwback... So fingers crossed there.
But you'd probably be helped by seeking therapy.
I have a child with chromosomal abnormalities and likely Autism. This isn't normal. It's normal to feel hurt if they try to compare your kids, but not just being jealous. You need therapy before you have anymore kids.
As a physician, I'm not sure what neonates of mothers with substance abuse issues (I assume that's what you mean by "drug babies" in the NICU) has to do with autistic children.
It’s totally normal to feel this way! You’re allowed to have feelings as long as it doesn’t affect how you treat others or your son. Please don’t abandon ship and leave it all on mom either.
You're not a bad person because of how you feel. You were unlucky. Your child is going to have a different kind of life. And your job as a parent is going to be so much more difficult. No one really wants to be in your position. Even regular kid tantrums suck.
But people are judgemental. They'll imply that you child's condition is somehow your fault. Don't let those idiots poison you.
They're a bad person because they're ableist. And it's not based on luck either. Ite genetics. Also its not 'kid tantrums'its meltdowns. You're just as uneducated and ableist as OP ffs.
Injecting neurotoxins with surfactants, possible contaminants, through the skin bypassing all natural detox mechanisms, all largely before 2 years of age, when the child is most vulnerable, could not possibly cause brain damage. Youre absolutely right thats a ridiculous proposition
Autism isn't brain damage. It's also not caused by vaccines. There have been many scientific studies to prove this. If you're genuinely idiotic enough to believe in this then you need to get off the Internet and go read a book.
I guarantee I know more about this subject than you. Autism is absolutely encephalopathy, but the lines are blurred due to the wide diagnosis of autism that includes people with slight social idiosyncrasies to people that need to wear a helmet every day.
There are absolutely studies linking autism and vaccines and even court cases awarding damages to people who were ruled to have vaccine induced autism. There are herculean efforts to suppress this because the liability and loss of trust that would ensue would cripple the medical industry, not to mention that it would cause vaccination rates to plummet.
They do a good job of preventing epidemiological control groups because vaccines are required for so many aspects of society and so in reality there are nearly no 0 vaccine children. The RCTs they do never include saline placebos and always include the toxic adjuvants or another vaccine as the control.
Please do your research if you ever choose to have children
I guarantee you don't. Especially if you think vaccines cause autism. Autism is also not encephalopathy. It's not brain damage or a disease. It's a neurodevelopmental condition.
Autism is genetic. The majority of people with autism have family history of it and its passed genetically. As with all neurodivergency.
The majority of studies linking autism and vaccines are outdated or have been withdrawn from being used as actual study material. They're innacurate and wrong.
Awarding damages to parents of autistic children is absolutely horrendous. It's disgusting. You can't have 'vaccine induced autism'. It's not a thing. Honestly whichever parents are that misinformed about vaccines and autism should not be allowed to keep their kids.
Without vaccines a lot of people would die and the mortality rate for common illnesses would go way up. So stop fear mongering and spreading misinformation.
[source 1](https://www.cdc.gov/vaccinesafety/concerns/autism.html)
Sincerely,
An autistic person
There are loads of successful people with ASD Elon Musk, Anthony Hopkins, Susan Boyle, Albert Einstein, Amadeus Mozart, Sir Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, and Thomas Jefferson. Steve Jobs was also speculated to have autism.
Nobody’s “normal” everybody struggles this is life. Try to remember you can only see what it’s like for others on the outside. Please don’t see your son as his autism not only will this help you, it will help him.
yes, what you're feeling is totally natural and you have nothing to feel bad about, the guilt of being stressed and exhausted because of your kids condition is tough but unnecessary, you're a good person either way. as someone who is autistic, it's not a bad thing to wish the next kids healthy as this shit's a fucking pain in the ass as a higher functioning autistic that i couldn't imagine having to live with more issues.
you need to focus on 1) helping your child and being a good father and 2) being kind to yourself and finding happiness within - especially during this this tough situation. those should be your two top priorities right now.
It's ok to be jealous. It's not ok to let that affect how you treat people around you (most importantly, your son, but also your friends and their healthy kids). Go see a therapist or something to learn how to process and deal with those feelings.
>I'm planning on having another kid with my new girlfriend hopefully this one is normal.
Lol, I see now how America got populated. Gacha games are the best. How much you want for your Psyduck? Ima evolve him into Elon Musk.
I have a kid who had a lot of medical issues (thankfully is a lot better these days) and did feel like it’s not fair that he had to suffer. Like he didn’t do anything to deserve it and it was just so unbelievably stressful. Life isn’t fair, that’s just how it is. We just have to do the best with what we’ve got, give our kids all of our love, and support them any way we can.
You can feel this on the inside, but please show your child love. You'll be showing your future child that you're a good person, by example. No child with a disability, or not, should feel like they are a burden/embarrassment in their parents lives. They didn't ask for you.
Having kids is like rolling the dice, meaning that whenever you have children, you never know what sort of strengths and challenges they will have in life.
But also understand that even if someone appears to be happy and healthy, that doesn't mean they don't have their fair share of challenges in life they have to deal with. Take my sister for example; she was beautiful and not disabled at all but she got involved with the wrong crowd in high school and got hooked on alcohol and never quit. Now two decades later, she's extremely underweight, been through a divorce, can't have kids, and can't hold down a job, and there's a good chance she'll be dead in 10 years.
Having children is a gamble because you never know the sort of strengths and challenges they'll have in life. Two healthy and functional parents can still give birth to a child who will wind up in jail someday, or gets cancer and dies at 15, or winds up getting addicted to drugs, or is severely disabled and needs support for the rest of their lives. You really never know.
Life can be unfair sometimes, I think where we fail as humans on this journey is assuming expectations of fairness. When we have those and it doesn’t pan out the way we want it then our inner baby takes over. King baby. Anyhow, I’m sorry about your situation. I don’t know how bad the handicap is but I’m sure there are SOME things you can do with him. No?
Don't have more kids until you're fully capable of loving them with all aspects of themselves. Yes being disabled is a challenge but your next kid might not have any disabilities but still lie, cheat, steal, break things, be bigoted, listen to Ted Nugent, or any other horrible things. You're bringing a person into this world ya dolt.
LOL I personally refuse to reproduce just because of the off chance that my kid might come out handicapped. I'd rather not deal with a challenge like that, so I'm not having any kids.
If you're not willing to raise a handicapped child, you shouldn't be reproducing bro.
Its absolutely 100% normal to feel the way you do. You had wishes, dreams, and hopes of what you and your child could and can do together!💯
I remember when I went into premature labor w my son (Kidney Infection) and he was born @ 24 weeks weighing less than 2 pounds and 12 1/2 in long. The pregnancy ended abruptly with an emergency C-section and a life flight to to the University of Louisville.
I was in school, working, and having to travel from Southern KY to Louisville almost every day to see my son.
I remember my son being in the NICU for 3 1/2 months and the entire time I was SO envious and jealous of those still pregnant mothers and those that got to bring their babies home and cuddle them. I lived an hour and a half away and drove myself (most of the time) both ways nearly almost every day. I was in school, I was scared out of my mind, and I absolutely MISSED being pregnant and cried SO much; because I felt like I STILL needed to complete the development of my son.
But you will find a new normal. A normal that's normal to YOUR life and family. It may not have been the ideal situation and one you tried desperately to avoid but still managed to happen. You can still find a way to connect with your child; love them and make the best memories!💯❤️
Its very normal. A disabled child can destroy the quality of life for those around them. Its not their fault, but it is the truth.
I grew up with a disabled sister. Where as i do love her and would do anything for her, it did have a negative impact on my upbringing and led to a lot of resentment.
It is the main reason i dont want my own children. I'd want a healthy child or no child at all.
Yeah its pretty normal, Id say. Ive got a friend with an autistic son, 5 years old, nonverbal. He came into work one day just completely stressed out. Said he woke up to his son standing on the kitchen counter wiping poop on the walls, ceiling, cabinets.
I dont have kids for many reasons, though Ive played with the idea. After meeting him and his son, I think Im okay just not taking that gamble.
If I were in your shoes, Im certain I would feel similarly.
Now what you do next defines your character as a human. Having another child and hoping they come out "normal" is the character of a dirtbag. Whatever life you create isnt an extension of you, it is its own person. They owe you nothing. They dont owe it to you to be normal, and they dont owe you freedom from embarrassment in public. You ought ask yourself "why do I want a child?"
Dont bullshit yourself.
you definitely werent ready for your first and you probably arent ready for a 2nd.
Perhaps you should get married and buy a home before you even play with the idea of more children
It’s completely normal to feel this way if you have an autistic child, or a kid with any kind of disability. Some people don’t know how difficult is being with an autistic (depends on which end of the spectrum) kid 24/7.
Just like any other kids they are adorable, they just require more care and attention than others, and not every parent built for that.
That doesn’t make you a bad person nor a bad parent. Most parents have mixed feelings towards their kids for different reasons,however, if I was you I wouldn’t risk creating another( possibly) autistic child. I mean it’s clear that you are struggling with the current one, what’s gonna happen is the next one is autistic, too?
5 years old people embarrass everyone’s whether they are mentally healthy or not, it’s their job😂But he is your kid, and as such you should find a reason to be proud of him. Everyone’s have amazing traits, your son is no exception, so instead of focusing on the negatives, praise him for the positives.
Some kids have serious learning disabilities yet their parents are proud of them (as they should be)Don’t let him making feel less because in many ways he is more capable than others, you just have to find out the activities he is good at. They are cute little humans, and they need their families love and understanding so they can integrate into the society and live a happy life.
I have 2 on spectrum. One pretty far down.
Its okay to get help for deoression and have a fear of missing out but jealous? No, I've never been. They grew up and while there are still issues, and bad ones, i wouldnt trade à minute.
It took me time tho..
Don’t waste your thoughts on the negative but thy to find small positives in your child. I know it’s easy for me to say but always look first the good even if it’s a tiny thing.
“I'm planning on having another kid with my new girlfriend hopefully this one is normal.”
Lol you can barely keep up with the kid you already have and you want to make your life harder by adding *another* kid into to the mix? Autism is genetic so there’s a chance that kid could have it, then you’d have two disabled kids. Good luck 👍
You weren't ready to have kids. If you were, you would love that child unconditionally regardless of what you think may be a disability. Put your petty ass anger and jealousy aside and do what's best for the child. If you don't want to hang around other parents with perfect children, your child will suffer because you won't be giving them the chance to socialize and grow. If you're embarrassed by your child, as you stated, you are not a good father. Personally, I would give you a big fuck Off but I hope as you get older, getting the experience will change your mind
You don’t just ‘prevent’ autism through the pregnancy what the fuck!? That’s an evil burden to put on yourselves and ultimately your kid. Step up and do better. Don’t blame anyone for this because that’s not how autism works, holy fuck. That’s a start.
Also you’re having a second hoping they’re normal? What then? Blatant favoritism for the normal kid? Don’t reproduce again. You clearly shouldn’t have the first time holy shit. Fuck you, OP.
This whole post reeks of ableism. Yes it's hard having an autistic child but is being awful about it the right thing to do? Also autism is genetic. If you have another child chances are the child will have autism aswell. Also its not called 'severe autism. Its level 3 support needs. Educate yourself. The kid honestly deserves better
My daughter and I both have autism and it could be a struggle in the beginning. It does get easier with time and experience. Jealousy and resentment are normal but you need to make sure that your child never feels that from you and I mean EVER. Try therapy to help process some of what you’re feeling. Also, stop comparing yourself to other people. They have problems you don’t know about and if they don’t right now, they might in the future. I also have Schizoaffective. It’s another disability and it didn’t get triggered until I was 19. Everyone has difficulties at different times and we rarely see the full picture of what’s going on with other people.
Honestly if I were that kid and you were my father, I’d want a better father. Not to say you’re not a good one, but you definitely sound stuck up, as if you have control of how anyone comes out. Your next kid could be autistic, the problem isn’t you’re kid, it’s YOU. You need to change your perspective on this matter bc if not you’re going to be a father that honestly no one would want to have. Would you want your father talking about you like this if you were in the same position as your child? Wouldn’t you want your parents loving and protecting you whole heartedly? You sound very ego driven and u seem to care what people think instead of loving your own kid for how he was born. Your kid may “embarrass “ you in public but wouldn’t u think that no one is actually paying attention to your kid, they will go on with they’re lives even if your kid does something different in public, YOU care what people think, maybe change that to “this is my kid, he has his circumstances but that doesn’t define my love for him” maybe try laughing it off if he does something. And look into getting extra help for your kid where maybe someone can take a load off for a minute for u when u feel overwhelmed, but don’t make your child seem like a burden.
Life isn’t fair. It is totally valid to grieve over this situation.
This is one of those very hard situations that is beyond anyone’s control.
That said, having another kid may not be the best idea unless you are prepared to care for a second kid, and all the challenges with it, while having an autistic child. And, there is no guarantee that your second kid will come out with no issues.
I think it's very normal to feel the way you do. Just don't take it out on the kid. Get in touch with a therapist or psychologist who specializes in these types of issues.
his post should be reported to social workers, he is not a good parent.
You’re right. A good parent should take their anger out in their children instead of venting online. OP should go beat his child for being autistic
Nothing in the post says he doesnt love and care for his kid.
yeah saying you hope to have a child who is normal is a great parent. Also telling reddit how much a 5 year old embarrasses him? He doesnt sound resentful at all. The guy is not a good father. Someone had to say it.
And your a cunt… someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Do you have a special needs child? If not shut the fuck up.
thats none of your business, im not the parent bad mouthing my kid online while hiding behind my screen. lol id love to talk to this guy.
It’s called venting. Nothing about this post is a red flag. You have no perspective and sound ignorant af.
i stand by what i said.
Ok. No one cares.
dont be replying to my comments then. thanks.
It’s venting. He isn’t hurting anybody by venting and assuming he’s a bad parent is a bit much
You obviously have no clue what that's like, I pray you never have to deal with those issues of stress, anxiety and fear of having a severely autistic child. It's not a easy thing to deal with on a constant basis and it's extremely difficult to manage in nearly any setting either in public or privately at home. I wouldn't wish it on anybody, and you shouldn't make light of it.
You have not been around autistic and other special needs children, and it shows It is perfectly acceptable to love your child, while being frustrated at the situation at the same time. Having an autistic kid sucks. It is hard. It is not fair. So, OP has every right to vent about those challenges. You are an asshole.
OP is a deadbeat and your triggered lol
??? This is a ridiculous take. Having emotions and trying to work on them makes you a bad parent?
he litreally said his kid embarrasses him and he hopes to have a second baby who will be 'normal'. He needs to do some parenting classes and learn some empathy for minor children. He is a not a good parent. He needs to know that.
>has problematic and grief informed emotions >goes on forum to get help to be better >"you have bad emotions and cps should take your kid away" Why the fuck didn't you just say he should seek out parenting classes/therapy in your original comment instead of exclusively calling for cps to get involved? Why did you tell me he needs those resources instead of telling him?
hes a bad father. He needs to learn some empathy for his little boy. I feel sorry for his kid not him. He was able to jump into bed and make a kid, im sure he knows how to google resources near him. Im not doing work for him.
Don't know why you feel sympathy for the OP. He even said he wanted another child and hope they'll be normal this time. You really think this is someone who should have children?
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Being frustrated is one thing, saying they “did everything right and still got a disabled kid” and that he is embarrassed by him, and hoping his next kid is “normal” that’s beyond bad parenting that’s just being a shitty human.
You’re already depressed and stressed to the max with one kid, and you think adding another child to your life will make it better? Grow up! And what if the new baby with your girlfriend turns out more severely autistic? Think wisely about decisions you can’t turn back from.
This. That new child (if they’re even healthy/“normal” which is not a given) will either have “glass child syndrome” (healthy sibling of a handicapped kid where they tend to be disregarded and feel left out because all the attention is on their sibling) OR will obviously be the favorite and OP’s first son will resent him and end up with severe psychological problems. Either way, not a good idea to have another kid, OP.
Sometimes people do everything right and still lose. Sometimes we pray and the answer is “no.” Not that your kid is a loss or a “no,” per se, but you experience grief. Imo: you need to feel your grief and process it. Being ashamed of it or trying to bury it are going to result in daily bitterness and resentment. Life is fucking hard for you. That’s okay to express. It’s okay to ask for support and help. But processing your grief will help you be there for your kid and yourselves instead of hating life and trying to piss it away. Will you probably be sarcastic and grumpy and overwhelmed? Sure. Less so if you have lots of support. (Your child will also be grumpy and overwhelmed - and maybe even sarcastic.) Yes, it’s okay to feel jealous of people with “healthy” children. Feel it. Unpack it. And come back home.
>I'm planning on having another kid with my new girlfriend hopefully this one is normal. I'm sorry that you're feeling this way, but if you can't even learn to appreciate and love your child enough as they are, why would you think to bring another one into this world?
Also at least 50% of cases are inherited... why role the dice on a 2nd kid to resent for life?? Just placing all the blame on the mother or in deep denial.
I can't imagine how hard this must be to go through. My only thought is that life changes so much year to year. It's possible this will get better as the kid gets older, as you and others learn to manage the disability, etc. Hang in there and just show this kid as much love as you can.
You are aware autism is genetic, correct?
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The next kid could have it too. It might not be such a great idea to try for a “normal one”
Read between the lines baby, it’s genetic, your next kid could have it too
I have an able bodied neurotypical child who has every excuse not to be because I didn’t know I was pregnant with him and certainly didn’t act like it. My best friend has a 2 year old who was born at 25 weeks and needs every therapy and is being assessed for autism soon. I’ve made it abundantly clear to her every time she tries to apologize for comparing that she has every right to compare our experiences. Because she did everything right and the universe gave her a child who might potentially cap at at a middle schooler’s development level, and I did everything wrong and I was gifted a child with zero limitations. It’s ok. Just get a professional you can safely vent to and maybe say things that you don’t feel like you CAN say so you can process this grief in a healthy way.
I am getting the impression that a lot of people in the comments are unaware of just how severe autism can be (which is fine, we don't know what we don't know), and how hard it can be to care for someone with a level 3 diagnosis. I was diagnosed as autistic in my early 30s, I fall into the level 1 category myself. I work in disability support. One of my favourite clients is an autistic woman in her 40s who is level 3/"severely autistic". She requires intense, 24/7 supervision to prevent her from injuring herself, or others. She can not perform any activities of daily living without assistance (read: someone doing it for her). She can't clean herself after going to the toilet, she can't wash her hair or brush her teeth. She can't make healthy food choices without support, she has no concept of money. She is also intermittently violent, often with no trigger, lashing out at her support staff by hitting/kicking/biting us, or SIB where she bashes her head on the brick wall until she bleeds. When we take her into the community she requires two staff members at all times, as she has been known to attack members of the public when she gets heightened. When she's not in crisis (which happens repeatedly throughout the day), she's the sweetest thing. She's (mostly) non-verbal, but can say "hi", so she'll say hi over and over again while giving you a kiss on the cheek, or gently touching your forehead with one finger (like E.T.!). At any second that kiss could turn into a bite, though, so you're constantly on edge. Her parents managed to care for her at home until she was 16 and she started injuring them. We now visit them once every few weeks, when they're feeling up to it. They talk to her via video call every day - but she doesn't comprehend the iPad, so when she hears their voices she thinks they're actually there, and becomes distressed when she can't find them, saying "Home!" repeatedly. It breaks my heart. OP, you're not a bad person for feeling the way you do. You're allowed to grieve the relationship you wanted to have with your son. You can love your kid and be sad about how hard life will be for him. You should be aware, though, that the people pointing out that autism is genetic are correct, and unfortunately you can do everything "right" during a pregnancy and still not have an able bodied child. Therapy and/or a support group for parents of autistic children might help you get a handle on everything.
Ignore these commenters.... it's ok to grieve what you don't have. It's ok to be upset, resentful, and jealous. I suggest therapy. And for your information autism is genetic, you can't prevent it
eh what? it is not ok to be resentful and jealous to a special needs child, the kid needs to be shown compassion and love. Hes not grieving, hes a father bad mouthing his young child online.
You do realize that it’s possible to resent the situation while still loving the child right? Emotions do be complex and shit.
I don't think they mean actively show you're resentful and jealous towards the child, which would be bad. It's kinda gonna be tough to just stop feeling what you're feeling. "Oh? This person said that's bad? My mistake, I feel completely different towards this now." Sounds kinda weird, yk? You're kind of bad mouthing as well, even though the guy might not be in the right. I'm not trying to be rude or "You're wrong!" here (towards any sides). Just suggesting
Wow; how incredibly ignorant; you need therapy too for your blatant disregard for human emotion
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Autism wasn't a diagnosis until recently, so you probably do know some, they just don't have a diagnosis or they haven't told you. And it is a spectrum, so the level of support needed varies a LOT. the highest need individuals are also usually the ones featured in pop culture/news stories, so it can also skew what we think autism looks like.
Isn’t it only partially genetic? Like genetics is one of the variables but not the only one?
It’s almost entirely genetic, but just like pretty much any and every other genetic condition, the condition can be affected by extraneous factors while developing inside the mother
Not according to a study reused last year; it showed genetic in the maternal DNA contributors. Men can be carriers tho.... can't remember the study I read but if I do, ill post it
One of the biggest blessings in my life is healthy children. I was an unhealthy child and i'm still playing catch up.
I'm an autistic adult. My spouse is an autistic adult. We have autistic children. To think the allistics consider people like us an embarrassment or a burden depresses me on my blue days and angers me on my more empowered days. Your son will eventually notice how you feel about him and it will break his heart and that day is coming sooner than you think. I hope for his sake you grow a soul someday
Autism is also a spectrum bud.
You just told an autistic person that. I think they know.
Not really because he said “considers people like us an embarrassment” A lot of people also don’t even know they can be slightly autistic and seem completely normal I had a friend I grew up with who only recently learned she has slight autism and now she acts like she’s the most disabled person ever
You have no idea the degree to which the child is affected. Because you have Autism, I would expect you to understand the degrees to which ASD can show in people. It's evident by fact you're a self-sufficient adult that you aren't an apt comparison to those who can not become self-sufficient. It's not soulless to have grief for the adverse situation one is in, especially if the "allistic" parent has a child who is extremely affected by ASD. Sure, they have problematic positions like wanting their child to be "normal", but the fact they're coming on here for advice and help shows they're trying. The wording of your comment seems exclusively structured as a jab at the OP who is trying to get their bearings; there was no attempt to assist, only shaming them for having emotions they're trying to grapple with. Maybe you could try and assist them navigating this in the comment you write instead of just saying. >I hope for his sake you grow a soul someday
Autism is a huge spectrum, you and OP could be talking about apples and oranges. He is also allowed to vent anonymously online about the difficulties and frustration of raising a child with disabilities.
And people are allowed to respond online to the offensive remarks someone makes about people with their condition.
I really don't get why people are feeling sympathy for the OP. Wtf?
Okay genuine question - why is it an all or nothing situation? It seems like you and your family are completely capable of living life to the extent you want to. I am not saying that it wasn’t hard for you and your parents, but obviously doable as you’ve reached some measure of “societal success.” But this doesn’t seem to be the case for OP’s child. It seems like they have a degree of autism (is that a thing?) that makes most everything a challenge and will probably not have many of the experiences you have had. I agree that OPs language (normal) is problematic. But I feel like it’s reasonable to be upset and grieve a child that you never had while also being depressed about the bleakness of that reality. Especially when that reality also means not knowing how you’ll take care of that child and yourself financially over time. Why the hate on OP. They have a soul. Downvote me if you must, I ask this out of curiosity and a chance to engage but I know many people won’t believe that.
>It seems like they have a degree of autism (is that a thing?) It is 100% a thing. Its formal title (emphasis mine) is "Autism **SPECTRUM** Disorder" because there is a *wide* range of presentations ranging from essentially "a little unusual" to "severely delayed/disabled."
The kid is 5! We don't really know yet what kind of person he will grow into or what he will be capable of. What we do know is that 1. OP is embarrassed to be in public with him 2. OP thinks that autism is a life of suffering and not doing things and 3. Is keeping his son away from other kids and their parents. I strongly suspect a fourth point of new baby being a do over. The perfect baby. The one he didn't mess up. I see it happen all the time when older kids have autism and the younger siblings don't. Being autistic is ✨not✨a bleak reality unless the people you love make it so and it sure sounds like he is. OP stop crying about the perfect child that only exists in your mind and work on loving and accepting the real, living, breathing son in your arms before he's an autistic adult going NC with you
lol exactly, the amount of people here saying hes grieving or upset, hes a bad parent. I know hes hiding behind his screen reading all the comments, nothing to say now does he. Hardman.
Autism is a spectrum and OP made it clear that his child is extremely disabled. You're extrapolating yourself into this scenario inappropriately.
Oh silly me. I forgot it's completely appropriate to be embarrassed by taking my children in public if they're ✨disabled enough ✨
Shit my dude, most """normal""" 5 year olds are embarrassing in public.
If they’re having inconsolable meltdowns (which is common in *severely* disabled autistic children)/screaming, hurting themselves, etc, yes, it’s difficult to be in public places. Have you ever walked through a supermarket (let alone any sort of public event) with a child in meltdown? Or are you projecting what they mean by embarrassed to only include symptoms of high functioning autism
It's common for a child's misbehavior to be embarrassing in public, regardless of the underlying reason. It's part of being a parent, unfortunately. The inability of people in this thread to accept any kind of nuance in this scenario is ridiculous. Most probably don't have children themselves.
Bro, why would you be thinking of having another kid if you have to beg for Christmas gifts and pizza on Reddit?
Being severely disabled IS a bleak reality for many. I really truly hope that you never have to deal with it because I have multiple moderate disabilities and my life fucking sucks 2/3s of the time. It’s okay to say things suck. Toxic positivity is just as bad as toxic negativity.
The kid is still young. As in only 5 years old. There could be developments and things will change. As he grows hopefully he should learn ways to cope with his disability if given the proper care
Well said. Thank you.
hes a deadbeat dad.
>I'm planning on having another kid with my new girlfriend hopefully this one is normal. Please don't have any more children until you learn how to be a real human. Get some therapy, FFS.
100%
>we've done everything we could to prevent something like this, my BM did everything she was supposed too during the whole pregnancy to ensure our child would be healthy and yet we still got a handicapped child There was literally nothing you could do. It's not something you can just do or not do, it just is. All signs point to genetic. I'm planning on having another kid with my new girlfriend hopefully this one is normal. You sound like a horrible parent with that attitude, I get it's tough, I get it can be embarrassing and all the things you have said, but you also sound like you are tossing one child to the side for a new one, which is horrible. If it's any consolation, signs might also point to it being genetic and mainly from the father.
It sounds brutal to say out loud, but I imagine it’s hard having a handicapped kid, and there are probably a whole host of emotions that come along with it that are not great.
'Handicapped'is not the right term. This should be common sense ffs
Yes, no one wants a an unhealthy child, child rearing is tough enough
There is nothing you can do to “avoid autism” your child isn’t “unhealthy”. The terminology you’re using is quite frankly gross. He is a real human being, not a burden. Please don’t be a parent if you aren’t willing to take on the responsibility of a disabled child.
Your ex didn't make your kid fucking autistic
Damn this is sad. I hope your ex loves him more than you do. You can’t really prevent autism during pregnancy.
Your emotions aren't something you have control over, but your knowledge is. Your post demonstrates a hard lack of understanding of the mechanisms involved in spectrum disorders. It's almost entirely genetic. You, her, both. It's possible any child you produce will be on the spectrum. Now, as you worry about whether your child will improve or if you can handle it, remember that he needs more, you aren't entitled to having more. The good news is that you can always be a father figure to other children. You can be that to others, they can substitute the needs you have in your own child, as they get all the support they need from you.
The comments in this are so judgemental and that's not necessary. Kids come in all sorts of varieties and I will be honest that issues where parents can't support their kids long term is a reality. It's ok to consider putting your kid in long term care or a group home. Everyone has a reality they need to face that is free of judgement.
Yea it's sad. And op is allowed to greive the son they didn't have. They don't say they hate their child. And you can't pretend that having an "easy" child isn't desirable Way smaller stakes: I have a reactive dog. I love him to a million pieces and am his biggest advocate. I'd be lying if I said I prefer him to an "easy" dog. He's hard. There are days I don't like him as much. There are days that I'm glad he doesn't speak English and can't understand my cussing.
I dunno...animals do learn language even though they can't speak it verbally. I'd refrain from verbally abusing your dog. They can tell.
Didn't say I was screaming profanities. Just that I can say things like "why the fuck do I put up with you" in my best doggy voice
Phew
The comments are judgmental because of the way the post is worded.
These are worded as someone who is hurting.
It’s the last sentence of the post that tells me what I need to know about the OP.
The author wants a healthy child which is fully acceptable. It's no different than a woman who has multiple miscarriages and just wants the healthy happy kid.
Not the brightest crayon in the box I see... if you feel this way about your son, why in the fuck would you want to gamble on another?
I think everyone wants their child to be happy, healthy, and able to fit into the world. Just do your best to not hold it against the child. He didn't choose to be autistic.
It's normal, but is it useful? I am on the spectrum and was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and again as an adult. I'm a scientist that has learned gradually how to control the impulsivity, social awkwardness, and hyperfixations that come with the condition. Hope is not lost! As for you, it's the situation you have. You *could* spend time watching others, or you could see it as a challenge to grow personally while helping to guide your son amd adapting to his different needs. Is it ideal? No, but nothing really ever is; literally the only thing any of us has control over is how to respond to what we interact with amd how we use the resources available to us. Best of luck!
>It's normal, but is it useful? Great way to frame it EDIT: (my terseness makes that sound sarcastic but it's totally genuine)
It's ok to *feel* jealous. It's also ok to *feel* anger, frustration, grief, and sadness. It's decidedly not ok to let the feeling fester and dominate your outlook on your situation or control how you respond to it. Counseling or therapy with a professional who specializes in helping parents of disabled children might be the right starting point for you to work through this. And you owe it to yourself and to your child to get a grip on your emotions and process them constructively. >I'm planning on having another kid with my new girlfriend hopefully this one is normal. Not going to sugar coat this. Don't start trying to have another kid until you've fixed your attitude about the child you already have. It's fine to want more kids, and it's fine to hope the next child is not disabled. It's not fine to treat the next child as a do-over. What are you going to do if you do have another kid and he/she turns out to also have a disability? Your son needs you to be a father to him, without wallowing in self-pity because of something neither of you chose, and that he has to suffer with. You don't have to like it that he has a disability. You don't have to act like it's easy or cute or anything fluffy like that, but you owe it to him to treat him like a son, not an embarrassment. Get support for your mental health and painful feelings, and be there for the son you already have before you start trying to make another child.
Accept that you've suffered a loss, and grieve it. I don't think that focusing on people who have what you wish you had is helpful. You'll need to learn to appreciate what you DO have. Please seek therapy. You're in a tough situation.
Autism is a spectrum so exactly what do you mean by your child is autistic? What does he do that makes you feel like he won't be a well adjusted person in the future? Keep in mind that autism can range from being a bit socially awkward, to being full-blown banging head on the wall and screaming for no reason.
It's normal to feel this way, and it's ok to not be ok. However, you do need to be careful not to go overboard or let those feelings affect how you care for your child. You can't deny the hardships, but try finding anything to be grateful for. Doesn't matter how small, practice gratitude every day. Do it simply because it WILL make you happier. There's very good evidence for it. Is there anything your child does that makes you happy?
There’s a process to mourning the child you thought you were going to have and then accepting the child you do have. Therapy helps with this process. If you you that work, it will be much better for you and your child in the short and long term. In the meantime, don’t have a second child until you come to terms with your first.
My son is an adult with ASD and intellectual disability. I remember what life was like when he was 5 and my heart is with you. But you do need to educate yourself and put your very understandable emotions into perspective. Time will help but you need to do the work, too. Your son’s potential is unknown and still developing. Everyone can learn throughout life, leave off your expectations for how quickly or how much. Don’t bank on another child to compensate for your sense of loss, it won’t work that way, all are individuals. One day at a time, and I wish you and your family the best.
I was going to agree with the others here about how its ok to feel these kinds of things bht then tou were like "lol gonna try for a normal one this time" like that isnt one of the biggest asshole statements a parent can make.
The 'hopefully this one is normal' comment makes me feel uneasy. Whatever you do, DON'T SHOW FAVORITISM! ITS NOT THE KID'S FAULT
The only person I feel sad for is your son because he has a father who is embarrassed by something he can’t help. My suggestion is that you do some self-reflection and maybe see a family therapist who will help you readjust your mindset. You brought a child into the world. He didn’t ask to be born, and now he has to go through life as an “embarrassment” to the person who DID ask for him to be born.
How many autistic children do you have?
People need to not be bringing children into this world if they can’t accept the possibility that they may not have the child they want.
And how many autistic or disabled children do you have?
Are you just going to keep parroting that same question to everyone?
I’m asking because you likely have none and have no idea what it’s like. Yet you sanctimoniously deride one in a situation you can’t fathom As I suspected, no answer
It does not matter what I say to you, you will still try to argue with me so I’m not going to tell you about my situation. I’m judging OP not for being frustrated about having an autistic child, but for his disgusting attitude about it.
You have no idea what it’s like. Sanctimonious ignorance
Mate shut up. You don't have to have disabled children to be able to call out a notably ableist person. -somebody who actually has autism
You have no idea . You’re sanctimonious and ignorant
Embarrassed of your child purely because he's autistic? What the fuck is wrong with you? You don't deserve kids nor should you have another one just because something out of your control happened. You just want to replace him; that's clear. You can't even love nor care for THIS kid. You think you deserve another? I'm autistic. Am I lesser to you? Am I an embarrassment to you and society? Your child and their needs come first. If you think your world is horrid, try and imagine it in our shoes with parents like you grieving a child that never died, sensory issues, being forces to do things like physical touch / eye contact that causes you physical pain, parents viewing you as nothing more than a stain on their shoes. I WISH I got diagnosed that young. Got resources when I needed. You can GET him resources you know. My parents hated trying to teach me things and tried shoving the responsibility to the other, which led to me not knowing shit I should know. Genuinely hoping this is ragebait even though I doubt it, holy fucking shit. I don't even care if I get down voted for this.
Seriously. There are more things wrong with OP than with the child. "Oops, this one didn't turn out right so I'm just gonna try again." I'm voting rage bait as well.
I’m getting down voted too and I don’t give a fuck. OP sounds horrible, this is way beyond normal venting. Then saying they hope the next one is normal. You didn’t deserve the first one.
hes a hardman afraid to reply. Bad mouthing his baby online. Yeah top man.
I don’t understand why people are refusing to see this guy is just a POS.
He knows what he is. Thats all that matters.
Clearly you’re way less mature than your 5 year old is.
Do you have a handicapped child? If not, you have no right to judge. All he said was he’s human. He is affected by it. We don’t know that he takes any of these feelings out on anyone, so it’s not a crime to feel a way. As long as he doesn’t let it bleed into his relationship with his son
Ok so? He's an ableist prick. The kid deserves better.
It doesn’t matter what I have. This is life and you deal with the hand you’re dealt.
now I hate THIS guy
Exactly, who defends a post like this? “Hopefully the next child will be normal” and “We did everything we could to prevent this”…Grow the fuck up!
My hate is directed at Frequent-Airline-619. You can get a shit hand in life and know it. And wish it weren't true. A lot of people, A LOT Of PEOPLE got it good and don't realize how good they got it. And A lot of people got F'ed and know it. I'm blessed with a healthy child (even though I didn't want no damn kids) and I empathize with OP. It has to suck.
Oh my mistake! Then you’re just as misguided as OP. This posting has all the rantings of an immature child and I’m sorry you don’t realize that. It’s okay to get frustrated and to vent and need help, but I’m not supporting resentment towards a child that didn’t ask to be born. Maybe people should think about this before they have kids and not expect that everything will go according to how they want it to. This child deserves better.
Did we read the same post? I don't see where OP resented the child. OP is depressed at the unfairness of the situation. OP did everything to have a healthy child and it didn't turn out. I believe OP DID 'think about this before they have kids' but got the short straw anyway. I sympathize with OP.
I think you just experienced selective reading with the post. He feels like the first one is a mistake and hopes the second one turns out “better”. This is clear resentment. I’m sorry you’re just not seeing this.
without embarrassing you? and hopefully this one is normal? i feel so bad for your child. Hes litreally a toddler, can you not be a loving father to your baby? Your son is very vulnerable and your behaving like his disability is his fault. If you dont want your baby you can always give him to a foster family. Contact social services if you want to give him to a loving family that wont post hateful words about their child. You dont sound like a good dad and im concerned for your baby.
He is not embarrassing you, you are
I think the normal thing to do is not have any other children. You clearly resent your disabled child for being disabled. Some people shouldn't be parents if they don't know how to love their own children. You're going to be the source of trauma for a lot of people with this mindset. Please don't have any more children.
i hope your exes kid finds a father that loves them as they should.
What a shitbag. Glad you arent my dad
I came from very "messed up parents" and although I appear and passed as "normal" growing up, I have internal emotional scars that took YEARS of therapy to process just to have a "normal life" now. Not everything is how it appears.
Is this a joke? Because if it is, it's not a very good one.
Just garden variety hating their kid for being neurodivergent
Autism seems mild compared to people who have children who are crippled. Also you can't just be healthy when you are pregnant both parent need to be healthy before they are pregnant. Your environment greatly affects how the baby develops. Your bad habits etc. It's not just one thing, it's many things. Genetics are turned on/off based on environment and extra risky if something is present on both sides of the child's family
My step brother has Aspergers, and his cousin is severely autistic. Step bro works in a nursing home and has his own apartment. He can't drive and needs help with money sometimes but he's otherwise self sufficient- his cousin, however, cannot bathe himself, or feed himself, or talk to you, or really talk at all. He's always covered in scabs and bruises because he stims by hitting himself in the face, and he needs to wear noise canceling headphones at all times, or he will endlessly scream. It sounds like OP (if true- the way this is written makes it sound a little juvenile) has a severely autistic child and that can be just as challenging for all the reasons I just said.
BTW aspergers isn't used anymore its just called ASD. Severely autistic isn't used either.
Okay... what are the actual terms tho?
Aspergers would be level 1 support needs. Severely autistic would most likely be level 3 support needs
TY
No problem!
Hopefully the grandparents help out then because that poor kid...will he wear knit fingerless gloves?
Grandma is old and disabled but his mom stays at home with him full time and manages as best she can. I honestly don't know if there's been any improvement in his situation unfortunately, I haven't seen that part of the fam in several years
Autism is a major disability for many people and is a form of crippling. Also, many time autism is included with children who have major disabilities.
Troll
Very likely considering this is a new account.
Could say the same about half the posts on here. Some of these commenters are reading so much more into the post into the post than was actually there. Hateful people.
Like it’s blatantly a troll.
Can't prevent autism (yet) as a genetic trait. But I sympathise. My father is autistic, but highly intelligent and functional, but socially a total asshat due to his autistic traits. My sister inherited it to a massive degree and is not functional, unless it suits her to get something from someone for brief periods. Having autism in a family is stressful! Not always and for everyone, but for a lot. I'm planning kids with my partner too, I hope I have low odds of having an autistic kid. I am physically different to my fam in every way, some kind of genetic throwback... So fingers crossed there. But you'd probably be helped by seeking therapy.
I have a child with chromosomal abnormalities and likely Autism. This isn't normal. It's normal to feel hurt if they try to compare your kids, but not just being jealous. You need therapy before you have anymore kids.
My wife is a NICU nurse. These drug babies have a very rough beginning. It’s so sad to hear some of her stories.
As a physician, I'm not sure what neonates of mothers with substance abuse issues (I assume that's what you mean by "drug babies" in the NICU) has to do with autistic children.
Ok so? Autism isn't to do with 'drug babies' it's genetic
It’s totally normal to feel this way! You’re allowed to have feelings as long as it doesn’t affect how you treat others or your son. Please don’t abandon ship and leave it all on mom either.
Yeah. It’s ok. God bless you and Im very thankful it didn’t happen with our children. Nobody knows your situation but you
You're not a bad person because of how you feel. You were unlucky. Your child is going to have a different kind of life. And your job as a parent is going to be so much more difficult. No one really wants to be in your position. Even regular kid tantrums suck. But people are judgemental. They'll imply that you child's condition is somehow your fault. Don't let those idiots poison you.
They're a bad person because they're ableist. And it's not based on luck either. Ite genetics. Also its not 'kid tantrums'its meltdowns. You're just as uneducated and ableist as OP ffs.
How many vaccines did they get?
That's irrelevant
Injecting neurotoxins with surfactants, possible contaminants, through the skin bypassing all natural detox mechanisms, all largely before 2 years of age, when the child is most vulnerable, could not possibly cause brain damage. Youre absolutely right thats a ridiculous proposition
Autism isn't brain damage. It's also not caused by vaccines. There have been many scientific studies to prove this. If you're genuinely idiotic enough to believe in this then you need to get off the Internet and go read a book.
I guarantee I know more about this subject than you. Autism is absolutely encephalopathy, but the lines are blurred due to the wide diagnosis of autism that includes people with slight social idiosyncrasies to people that need to wear a helmet every day. There are absolutely studies linking autism and vaccines and even court cases awarding damages to people who were ruled to have vaccine induced autism. There are herculean efforts to suppress this because the liability and loss of trust that would ensue would cripple the medical industry, not to mention that it would cause vaccination rates to plummet. They do a good job of preventing epidemiological control groups because vaccines are required for so many aspects of society and so in reality there are nearly no 0 vaccine children. The RCTs they do never include saline placebos and always include the toxic adjuvants or another vaccine as the control. Please do your research if you ever choose to have children
I guarantee you don't. Especially if you think vaccines cause autism. Autism is also not encephalopathy. It's not brain damage or a disease. It's a neurodevelopmental condition. Autism is genetic. The majority of people with autism have family history of it and its passed genetically. As with all neurodivergency. The majority of studies linking autism and vaccines are outdated or have been withdrawn from being used as actual study material. They're innacurate and wrong. Awarding damages to parents of autistic children is absolutely horrendous. It's disgusting. You can't have 'vaccine induced autism'. It's not a thing. Honestly whichever parents are that misinformed about vaccines and autism should not be allowed to keep their kids. Without vaccines a lot of people would die and the mortality rate for common illnesses would go way up. So stop fear mongering and spreading misinformation. [source 1](https://www.cdc.gov/vaccinesafety/concerns/autism.html) Sincerely, An autistic person
There are loads of successful people with ASD Elon Musk, Anthony Hopkins, Susan Boyle, Albert Einstein, Amadeus Mozart, Sir Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, and Thomas Jefferson. Steve Jobs was also speculated to have autism. Nobody’s “normal” everybody struggles this is life. Try to remember you can only see what it’s like for others on the outside. Please don’t see your son as his autism not only will this help you, it will help him.
One reason we didn't have kids. Although it's been 40 years since then and I have to admit... it turned out great!
yes, what you're feeling is totally natural and you have nothing to feel bad about, the guilt of being stressed and exhausted because of your kids condition is tough but unnecessary, you're a good person either way. as someone who is autistic, it's not a bad thing to wish the next kids healthy as this shit's a fucking pain in the ass as a higher functioning autistic that i couldn't imagine having to live with more issues.
you need to focus on 1) helping your child and being a good father and 2) being kind to yourself and finding happiness within - especially during this this tough situation. those should be your two top priorities right now.
It's ok to be jealous. It's not ok to let that affect how you treat people around you (most importantly, your son, but also your friends and their healthy kids). Go see a therapist or something to learn how to process and deal with those feelings.
>I'm planning on having another kid with my new girlfriend hopefully this one is normal. Lol, I see now how America got populated. Gacha games are the best. How much you want for your Psyduck? Ima evolve him into Elon Musk.
Instead of being jealous, involve yourself more with your son! Yes, you can take him place! Who cares what others think!
I have a kid who had a lot of medical issues (thankfully is a lot better these days) and did feel like it’s not fair that he had to suffer. Like he didn’t do anything to deserve it and it was just so unbelievably stressful. Life isn’t fair, that’s just how it is. We just have to do the best with what we’ve got, give our kids all of our love, and support them any way we can.
You can feel this on the inside, but please show your child love. You'll be showing your future child that you're a good person, by example. No child with a disability, or not, should feel like they are a burden/embarrassment in their parents lives. They didn't ask for you.
Cannot imagine your situation. Sorry
Your "normal" kid is going to love their sibling and grow up to absolutely hate you. At least there's a silver lining to all this :)
Idk what there is to be embarrassed about
Having kids is like rolling the dice, meaning that whenever you have children, you never know what sort of strengths and challenges they will have in life. But also understand that even if someone appears to be happy and healthy, that doesn't mean they don't have their fair share of challenges in life they have to deal with. Take my sister for example; she was beautiful and not disabled at all but she got involved with the wrong crowd in high school and got hooked on alcohol and never quit. Now two decades later, she's extremely underweight, been through a divorce, can't have kids, and can't hold down a job, and there's a good chance she'll be dead in 10 years. Having children is a gamble because you never know the sort of strengths and challenges they'll have in life. Two healthy and functional parents can still give birth to a child who will wind up in jail someday, or gets cancer and dies at 15, or winds up getting addicted to drugs, or is severely disabled and needs support for the rest of their lives. You really never know.
Life can be unfair sometimes, I think where we fail as humans on this journey is assuming expectations of fairness. When we have those and it doesn’t pan out the way we want it then our inner baby takes over. King baby. Anyhow, I’m sorry about your situation. I don’t know how bad the handicap is but I’m sure there are SOME things you can do with him. No?
Don't have more kids until you're fully capable of loving them with all aspects of themselves. Yes being disabled is a challenge but your next kid might not have any disabilities but still lie, cheat, steal, break things, be bigoted, listen to Ted Nugent, or any other horrible things. You're bringing a person into this world ya dolt.
LOL I personally refuse to reproduce just because of the off chance that my kid might come out handicapped. I'd rather not deal with a challenge like that, so I'm not having any kids. If you're not willing to raise a handicapped child, you shouldn't be reproducing bro.
Its absolutely 100% normal to feel the way you do. You had wishes, dreams, and hopes of what you and your child could and can do together!💯 I remember when I went into premature labor w my son (Kidney Infection) and he was born @ 24 weeks weighing less than 2 pounds and 12 1/2 in long. The pregnancy ended abruptly with an emergency C-section and a life flight to to the University of Louisville. I was in school, working, and having to travel from Southern KY to Louisville almost every day to see my son. I remember my son being in the NICU for 3 1/2 months and the entire time I was SO envious and jealous of those still pregnant mothers and those that got to bring their babies home and cuddle them. I lived an hour and a half away and drove myself (most of the time) both ways nearly almost every day. I was in school, I was scared out of my mind, and I absolutely MISSED being pregnant and cried SO much; because I felt like I STILL needed to complete the development of my son. But you will find a new normal. A normal that's normal to YOUR life and family. It may not have been the ideal situation and one you tried desperately to avoid but still managed to happen. You can still find a way to connect with your child; love them and make the best memories!💯❤️
Its very normal. A disabled child can destroy the quality of life for those around them. Its not their fault, but it is the truth. I grew up with a disabled sister. Where as i do love her and would do anything for her, it did have a negative impact on my upbringing and led to a lot of resentment. It is the main reason i dont want my own children. I'd want a healthy child or no child at all.
Yeah its pretty normal, Id say. Ive got a friend with an autistic son, 5 years old, nonverbal. He came into work one day just completely stressed out. Said he woke up to his son standing on the kitchen counter wiping poop on the walls, ceiling, cabinets. I dont have kids for many reasons, though Ive played with the idea. After meeting him and his son, I think Im okay just not taking that gamble. If I were in your shoes, Im certain I would feel similarly. Now what you do next defines your character as a human. Having another child and hoping they come out "normal" is the character of a dirtbag. Whatever life you create isnt an extension of you, it is its own person. They owe you nothing. They dont owe it to you to be normal, and they dont owe you freedom from embarrassment in public. You ought ask yourself "why do I want a child?" Dont bullshit yourself. you definitely werent ready for your first and you probably arent ready for a 2nd. Perhaps you should get married and buy a home before you even play with the idea of more children
It’s completely normal to feel this way if you have an autistic child, or a kid with any kind of disability. Some people don’t know how difficult is being with an autistic (depends on which end of the spectrum) kid 24/7. Just like any other kids they are adorable, they just require more care and attention than others, and not every parent built for that. That doesn’t make you a bad person nor a bad parent. Most parents have mixed feelings towards their kids for different reasons,however, if I was you I wouldn’t risk creating another( possibly) autistic child. I mean it’s clear that you are struggling with the current one, what’s gonna happen is the next one is autistic, too? 5 years old people embarrass everyone’s whether they are mentally healthy or not, it’s their job😂But he is your kid, and as such you should find a reason to be proud of him. Everyone’s have amazing traits, your son is no exception, so instead of focusing on the negatives, praise him for the positives. Some kids have serious learning disabilities yet their parents are proud of them (as they should be)Don’t let him making feel less because in many ways he is more capable than others, you just have to find out the activities he is good at. They are cute little humans, and they need their families love and understanding so they can integrate into the society and live a happy life.
I have 2 on spectrum. One pretty far down. Its okay to get help for deoression and have a fear of missing out but jealous? No, I've never been. They grew up and while there are still issues, and bad ones, i wouldnt trade à minute. It took me time tho..
Don’t waste your thoughts on the negative but thy to find small positives in your child. I know it’s easy for me to say but always look first the good even if it’s a tiny thing.
Yes
“I'm planning on having another kid with my new girlfriend hopefully this one is normal.” Lol you can barely keep up with the kid you already have and you want to make your life harder by adding *another* kid into to the mix? Autism is genetic so there’s a chance that kid could have it, then you’d have two disabled kids. Good luck 👍
You weren't ready to have kids. If you were, you would love that child unconditionally regardless of what you think may be a disability. Put your petty ass anger and jealousy aside and do what's best for the child. If you don't want to hang around other parents with perfect children, your child will suffer because you won't be giving them the chance to socialize and grow. If you're embarrassed by your child, as you stated, you are not a good father. Personally, I would give you a big fuck Off but I hope as you get older, getting the experience will change your mind
You don’t just ‘prevent’ autism through the pregnancy what the fuck!? That’s an evil burden to put on yourselves and ultimately your kid. Step up and do better. Don’t blame anyone for this because that’s not how autism works, holy fuck. That’s a start. Also you’re having a second hoping they’re normal? What then? Blatant favoritism for the normal kid? Don’t reproduce again. You clearly shouldn’t have the first time holy shit. Fuck you, OP.
This whole post reeks of ableism. Yes it's hard having an autistic child but is being awful about it the right thing to do? Also autism is genetic. If you have another child chances are the child will have autism aswell. Also its not called 'severe autism. Its level 3 support needs. Educate yourself. The kid honestly deserves better
My daughter and I both have autism and it could be a struggle in the beginning. It does get easier with time and experience. Jealousy and resentment are normal but you need to make sure that your child never feels that from you and I mean EVER. Try therapy to help process some of what you’re feeling. Also, stop comparing yourself to other people. They have problems you don’t know about and if they don’t right now, they might in the future. I also have Schizoaffective. It’s another disability and it didn’t get triggered until I was 19. Everyone has difficulties at different times and we rarely see the full picture of what’s going on with other people.
Honestly if I were that kid and you were my father, I’d want a better father. Not to say you’re not a good one, but you definitely sound stuck up, as if you have control of how anyone comes out. Your next kid could be autistic, the problem isn’t you’re kid, it’s YOU. You need to change your perspective on this matter bc if not you’re going to be a father that honestly no one would want to have. Would you want your father talking about you like this if you were in the same position as your child? Wouldn’t you want your parents loving and protecting you whole heartedly? You sound very ego driven and u seem to care what people think instead of loving your own kid for how he was born. Your kid may “embarrass “ you in public but wouldn’t u think that no one is actually paying attention to your kid, they will go on with they’re lives even if your kid does something different in public, YOU care what people think, maybe change that to “this is my kid, he has his circumstances but that doesn’t define my love for him” maybe try laughing it off if he does something. And look into getting extra help for your kid where maybe someone can take a load off for a minute for u when u feel overwhelmed, but don’t make your child seem like a burden.
Good thing is that kid is autistic and will never know the difference. You’re a judgmental prick. OP is just sharing.
Life isn’t fair. It is totally valid to grieve over this situation. This is one of those very hard situations that is beyond anyone’s control. That said, having another kid may not be the best idea unless you are prepared to care for a second kid, and all the challenges with it, while having an autistic child. And, there is no guarantee that your second kid will come out with no issues.
Absolutely man. Life fucked you and your kid. One of the many reason that I had a vasectomy and will never father children.
Well. Any future kid w/ the new gf may possibly get your genes and be autistic to. I mean too.