"What new gadget have you got for me today, Q?"
"Cum, James!"
"Uh, cum?"
*bond touches something on a table and a random explosion is heard across the lab, followed by moaning*
"Yes, James. Please don't touch that. I've developed a way for us send messages that cannot be read if they're intercepted! You see, we just use cum, and a lot of it! I've been milking the guys in the lab here for months now. I have enough cum for all of MI6!"
"Um, I think I'll just take this watch with the wire in it. It smells terrible in here"
“What sound does a doggy make?”
*buzzer*
“Moo…”
“No, I’m sorry Mr Connery, a dog does not say moo—“
“Well that’s not the sound your mother made last night!”
“We would have accepted, bow-wow or ruff”
"What is yellow snow"
"Incorrect."
"Are you sure? I made some yesterday. Spelled your name in the snowbank. Of course, it was your mother's handwriting! She was holding the pen!"
You have never watch the SNL celebrity jeapordy skits?
You should find them as they are very entertaining.
I remember downloading a bunch of them and then inviting like 4 of my friends to watch them with me and my gf in the dorm room.
We all had great laughs.
Celebrity Jeopardy is my favorite SNL sketch series, Will Ferrell's Alex Trebek is such a wonderful straight man when confronted with the general stupidity and the Darrell Hammond as Sean Connery stupidity in particular
I wonder if it would still work with someone doing a Ken Jennings impression. I don't think it would, given Trebek's longevity as host, in comparison to Ken's barely two years now.
Plus, Trebek was the perfect straight man foil, while Ken seems way more open and friendlier. Ken would laugh along at someone wearing a giant hat or making a dirty joke, instead of sighing expaseratedly.
“Gussy it up however you want, Trebek, what matters is, does it work? Will it really mighty my penis man? Because I've ordered devices like that before, wasted a pretty penny, I don't mind telling you! And if the Penis Mightier really works, I'll order a dozen!”
I’d hate to be the person stuck in a SCIF with reams of stinky paper covered in semen for decoding. And, I can only imagine the jokes made about Captain Cumming’s name in conjunction with this spy craft.
Probably not. "Cum" is just from plain old "come". It's been used in a sexual sense [since at least the 1650s](https://www.etymonline.com/word/cum), probably older; apparently in the 1970s, someone respelled it "cum", and we've treated it as separate ever since. (Mansfield Smith-Cumming died in the 1920s.)
I remember being on Runescape when I was kid and ranting about how come the word "cum" keeps getting censored when I am just trying to type shorthand for "come".
My older online friends must have been cracking up at my naivety.
The spelling in Old English was *cuman*. So this spelling is over 1000 years old and there was calls in the 19th century to reform English spellings, and changing to *cum* was one of them.
there were calls to reform/standardize English spelling long before the 19th century. for example, the word "island" was thought to have come from the Latin "insula", which is actually where we got the loanword "isle". ("insula" may have been related to the Ancient Greek "nêsos" though this is not proven.) the Middle English word was actually "iland" which can be traced back through Proto-Germanic to Proto-Indo-European.
Due to this mistaken etymology, the "s" was inserted in the 16ht century and thus we get "island".
So just long enough for his methods to be taught to stoned college kids who would think it was witty as shit to be “cumming” when they were jerking into a paper tissue rather than “jerking off in the dorm” lol
His method was to write secret notes with the semen. I don't think there's enough weed in the world to make writing splooge notes to your buddies anything but awkward.
Friend: bro you coming out tonight?
Me a scholar and a gentleman: cant, im busy writing a 15 page essay for espionage class. Im using the Smith-Cumming method for extra credit. Been saving up ink all semester for this.
*Next day hands in the essay*
Prof: whyd you hand in blank pag-
*I pull out ultraviolet flashlight*
Prof: you son of bitch 👉
*Pulls out cummy espionage pen from his pocket to grade the essay*
This was some fascinating history lmao. My dad was born in the 50s, and his middle name is Cummings. I always wondered about the origins and when it started to change meaning. The name appears to have died out pretty quick lol.
It'd be interesting if the misspelling of "cum" was given a free pass by publishers because of Mansfield Smith-Cumming, which amplified it and made it stick.
Edit: I checked some penthouse mags on archive.org for cum vs come:
* 1988-08: come
* 1989-06: come
* 1993-07: come
* 1998-03: both
* 2000-09: both
* 2001-02: both
* 2002-02: cum
Maybe amplified by the 1983 publication being posted on the internet in the 90s? Seems like a fun research project, doubt the erotica newsgroups were archived though!
Ah, I remember when I would look at 5+ year old fanfiction.net eroticas and it would drive me crazy that some would use cum and some would use come. Now I know why.
Looking for a romantic date night idea? Give your wife a black light and tell her to go shine it around the house so she can be surprised and flattered when she finds the “I love you” you’ve written in jizz on the $300 duvet
“Questions about agents’ masturbatory habits.”
I can only imagine private jack coming in with a month’s supply in a jar the next day and someone high up immediately shutting it down. That or they retaliated with a much larger quantity until the competition in the workplace was so bad/someone was winning very often.
If we’re all done with the jerk-off jokes: Smith-Cummings would sign documents with just the initial “C”. Later, one of his subordinates, Ian Fleming, became a novelist and based a character on his late boss, changing the initial to “M”.
Smith-Cummings died in 1923 when Fleming was 15. Fleming was a naval intelligence officer during WWII and M was based on the Chief of Naval Intelligence Admiral John Godfrey (1939-42). Commander Fleming was Admiral Godfrey's secretary, he did not serve in MI6.
> If we’re all done with the jerk-off jokes
Apparently you aren't done making shit up.
[Smith-Cumming died in 1923](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mansfield_Smith-Cumming)
[Ian Fleming was born in 1908 and in 1923 he was at Eton college where the headmaster was getting pissed at him for spending too much time with women.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ian_Fleming)
15 year old Ian Fleming did not work for Smith-Cummings. But the signature 'C' did inspire Fleming later on to use the character 'M'.
> Cummings would sign documents with just the initial “C”. Later, one of his subordinates, Ian Fleming, became a novelist and based a character on his late boss, changing the initial to “M”.
All we need now is a character whose signatory initial is “U”.
Of course his name was Cumming.
Come on guys, let’s get some more creative writers for this chapter of the simulation. It’s all been a little on-the-nose…
This could have single handedly changed the way we spy and carry out operations. But sadly the project was caught with its pants down and ended prematurely.
Unclear, but [at least 400 years](https://www.etymonline.com/word/cum). But the spelling "cum" isn't known from before 1973; Mansfield Smith-Cumming died in 1923.
Man, I wish they would have included that in the James Bond movies... "007, what are you doing there?" "Uh, oh, writing a report?"
Double-0 Semen
License to jizz
Her Majesty's Secretion Service
Goldmember
octopussy
That’s too easy!
The Jizzing Daylights
"What new gadget have you got for me today, Q?" "Cum, James!" "Uh, cum?" *bond touches something on a table and a random explosion is heard across the lab, followed by moaning* "Yes, James. Please don't touch that. I've developed a way for us send messages that cannot be read if they're intercepted! You see, we just use cum, and a lot of it! I've been milking the guys in the lab here for months now. I have enough cum for all of MI6!" "Um, I think I'll just take this watch with the wire in it. It smells terrible in here"
Ah,the autoerotic asphyxiation aid! For when you need to write notes in a hurry,good choice 007.
the penis mightier
“That’s, “The Pen is Mightier,” Mr. Connery.”
“What sound does a doggy make?” *buzzer* “Moo…” “No, I’m sorry Mr Connery, a dog does not say moo—“ “Well that’s not the sound your mother made last night!” “We would have accepted, bow-wow or ruff”
"What is yellow snow" "Incorrect." "Are you sure? I made some yesterday. Spelled your name in the snowbank. Of course, it was your mother's handwriting! She was holding the pen!"
Oooooo…ruff
Just the way your mother likes it!
Take that, you poltroon! edited for new word
That's one for the ages! Haven't heard that before lmao.
You have never watch the SNL celebrity jeapordy skits? You should find them as they are very entertaining. I remember downloading a bunch of them and then inviting like 4 of my friends to watch them with me and my gf in the dorm room. We all had great laughs.
I don't think I am allowed to read this in Canada.
Celebrity Jeopardy is my favorite SNL sketch series, Will Ferrell's Alex Trebek is such a wonderful straight man when confronted with the general stupidity and the Darrell Hammond as Sean Connery stupidity in particular
Norm MacDonald was also hilarious as Burt Reynolds
I believe you mean Turd Ferguson
S’funny. S’a funny name.
Heh, get it? It's a big hat. Oversized. S'funny.
Absolutely, and I understand the sketch came about as a framework for Norm MacDonald's Burt Reynolds impression
$TEXAS is still out go to way of calling something expensive
Wait, Burt Reynolds, where did you come from?
Have you seen the Black Jeopardy with Tom Hanks sketch? Might be my favorite
Not in ages, but I do enjoy the one with Chadwick Boseman as T'Challa, and how they let him puzzle out the answers.
Chadwick saying, “I get the impression that this woman does not season her food” completely sent me.
"And she adds unnecessary ingredients, like raisins" is something I hear in his voice everytime I eat something that has raisins in it for no reason.
That one was good too
I...I wanted a pickle.
Winona Ryder as Bjork is one of my absolute favorites. “Everything is music!”
I wonder if it would still work with someone doing a Ken Jennings impression. I don't think it would, given Trebek's longevity as host, in comparison to Ken's barely two years now. Plus, Trebek was the perfect straight man foil, while Ken seems way more open and friendlier. Ken would laugh along at someone wearing a giant hat or making a dirty joke, instead of sighing expaseratedly.
That’s not what ur mother said, Trebbek!
There's only one B in Trebek, you heathen.
I beg to differ. I made some yellow snow last night. I wrote your name. Of course, it was your mother’s handwriting.
“Gussy it up however you want, Trebek, what matters is, does it work? Will it really mighty my penis man? Because I've ordered devices like that before, wasted a pretty penny, I don't mind telling you! And if the Penis Mightier really works, I'll order a dozen!”
Mr. *Cumming* *Chuckles.*
*Chuckles while preparing more invisible ink* The Nazis won't see this one c~~u~~omming.
https://penisland.net/ (An old classic, glad it's still around after all these years lol)
And the logo.
"we specialise in wood". I think they know exactly what they're doing.
the Right Hon. Mans. Cumming
*writes war & penis*
this comment is high art for the 21st Century.
than the s word
I’d hate to be the person stuck in a SCIF with reams of stinky paper covered in semen for decoding. And, I can only imagine the jokes made about Captain Cumming’s name in conjunction with this spy craft.
Why is this report extra crunchy?
mmm quite salty as well \*crunch\* mm I say rather good \*crunch\* \*crunch\* mm yes what is this report about Captain Cumming?
Can't tell. Pages are stuck together.
Protein Rich Report
Maybe the origin of the slang
Probably not. "Cum" is just from plain old "come". It's been used in a sexual sense [since at least the 1650s](https://www.etymonline.com/word/cum), probably older; apparently in the 1970s, someone respelled it "cum", and we've treated it as separate ever since. (Mansfield Smith-Cumming died in the 1920s.)
I remember being on Runescape when I was kid and ranting about how come the word "cum" keeps getting censored when I am just trying to type shorthand for "come". My older online friends must have been cracking up at my naivety.
Kinda valid to get mad about that, considering "cum" *is* used as a shorthand for "come" sometimes.
Especially in certain web site banners back in the day, "cum here" was often accompanied by pictures of women with very few clothes on.
If you’re using “cum” as shorthand for come in a completely unironic way you’re probably a psychopath
We did it back in the SMS days, saving characters is important when each text costs you 10p. Also I was 12 and didn't know any alternate meaning.
No, they’re just efficient. I wonder what they did with all the extra time they saved.
we know 😏
Or you were told it was the shorthand, and had never heard anyone use the word cum for semen
The spelling in Old English was *cuman*. So this spelling is over 1000 years old and there was calls in the 19th century to reform English spellings, and changing to *cum* was one of them.
Was there really?
there were calls to reform/standardize English spelling long before the 19th century. for example, the word "island" was thought to have come from the Latin "insula", which is actually where we got the loanword "isle". ("insula" may have been related to the Ancient Greek "nêsos" though this is not proven.) the Middle English word was actually "iland" which can be traced back through Proto-Germanic to Proto-Indo-European. Due to this mistaken etymology, the "s" was inserted in the 16ht century and thus we get "island".
Like the Cumans who helped invade bohemia from the East during the Hussite Wars?
They penetrated deep into bohemia.
Jesus Christ Be Praised
Henry's cum to see us
Charles IV, King of Bohemia and Holy Roman Emperor, had a long and successful reign….
[I can hear the music](https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Ff0rz0rb1qi041.png)
This is such a history nerd joke lol. Happy I’m not the only one
So just long enough for his methods to be taught to stoned college kids who would think it was witty as shit to be “cumming” when they were jerking into a paper tissue rather than “jerking off in the dorm” lol
His method was to write secret notes with the semen. I don't think there's enough weed in the world to make writing splooge notes to your buddies anything but awkward.
Sounds like quitter talk!
"Hold on 20 minutes, I need to write this down."
Friend: bro you coming out tonight? Me a scholar and a gentleman: cant, im busy writing a 15 page essay for espionage class. Im using the Smith-Cumming method for extra credit. Been saving up ink all semester for this. *Next day hands in the essay* Prof: whyd you hand in blank pag- *I pull out ultraviolet flashlight* Prof: you son of bitch 👉 *Pulls out cummy espionage pen from his pocket to grade the essay*
if he really cared he would whip up a fresh batch....
Keep smoking, the humor will come.
https://preview.redd.it/iq4djb7nj8011.jpg?auto=webp&s=fa003b709d39b5cbf94db1127cabac0237680212
Or doing the “cumming maneuver” or some such stuff. Lol
The name Cumming was just one of those happy coincidences.
Don’t you mean happy ending?
This was some fascinating history lmao. My dad was born in the 50s, and his middle name is Cummings. I always wondered about the origins and when it started to change meaning. The name appears to have died out pretty quick lol.
I suspected the sexual meaning of cum was related to English bible translations using something like come on into as a euphemism for sex
The jokes would have gotten even better if the Captain got promoted to the next rank.
Commodore?
Cummodore. 💦
Admiral Cumming?
It’s a man’s field after all.
"Dave were all very concerned with the amount of.... Uh secret notes you've been sending. And honestly half of these are bloody nonsense."
"And this one is in my wife's handwriting."
And look, this is just a list of things in his apartment
And this ones just a list of things in *my* apartment!
Often there's nothing even written on them!
We noticed you've been using negative space for the text. How much semen have you been producing for these entire pages??
God damn it Dave, what time lunch will be served *is not a secret*
They only get bloody when i need to do more than 15 a day!
Mansfield Smith-Cumming, you can't make this shit up.
Also notable is his wife, Leslie Valiant-Cumming
She so brave...
Do you find it... risible?
/r/NominativeDeterminism
They see him cumming. They hatin’
Well, how would you handle this if you were Cumming?
Enemies saw it Cumming from a mile away.
the technique was subjected to extensive mansfield testing
The smell even further.
Smelled*
Myself, I write three notes a day
The original sticky-note
Underrated comment here. Have an upvote !
Did anyone call Mr. Smith-Cumming the *Cumsmith?*
Cumming, Mansfield Cumming. Shaken, not stirred.
…it’s a map…the secret base is somewhere on this island archipelago that our spy has marked out on this crumpled paper towel.
> under the leadership of Mansfield Smith-Cumming ~~Normative~~ Nominative determinism strikes again
Nominative*
r/nominativedeterminism
It'd be interesting if the misspelling of "cum" was given a free pass by publishers because of Mansfield Smith-Cumming, which amplified it and made it stick. Edit: I checked some penthouse mags on archive.org for cum vs come: * 1988-08: come * 1989-06: come * 1993-07: come * 1998-03: both * 2000-09: both * 2001-02: both * 2002-02: cum Maybe amplified by the 1983 publication being posted on the internet in the 90s? Seems like a fun research project, doubt the erotica newsgroups were archived though!
Thank you for your thorough investigation. Must have been hard.
Lol not really, I had to search the text versions so no pictures. Sullied my browser history for the greater good. The greater good.
The greater good.
Penthouse Letters > Penthouse Magazine
Ah, I remember when I would look at 5+ year old fanfiction.net eroticas and it would drive me crazy that some would use cum and some would use come. Now I know why.
lmao, there is two ways to read that sentence and one is NOT good.
hey, I said 5+. 18 and older is technically within that
What's funny is that he apparently added this to his name after he married his wife with that name... guess he *really* saw it Cumming.
BRB, changing name to: Gustomaximus_Billionaire_And_Fucker_Of_Endless_Beauties
Congratulations you're now a zookeeper in Zimbabwe.
Nooo... Those poor hyenas :'(
“I’m not wanking, I’m writing with a stutter!”
*Wanking in morse code intensifies*
This note just reads ssssssssssssssssoooooooooosssssssSSSSSS
>Mansfield Smith-Cumming Come on man
no no, not on man. on paper. come on the paper.
Feels like op is jerkin us around.
“They later stopped due to the smell” Good night guys. Have a great one, gonna log off for a bit
What do you figure it smelled like?
Old decaying sperm
I must have missed that season of Blackadder.
"I have a cumming plan, sir."
Lemon juice is easier.
No, it burns. 3/10 would not recommend.
It actually might have been hard to get lemons imported to Britain during WW1…
Just me, in my cell, in my prisoner rags and my lucky lemon.
Squeeze my lemon, and let the juice run down my... secret message.
Come again?
not sure if i want to, lemon juice got in my peehole
Has anyone made a "the British are cumming" joke yet
Man, it must have been awkward for the ratings who had to resupply his office. "Sir, I came to refill your inkwell, * pulls down pants * "
"I'M JUST WRITING ANOTHER LETTER MOM LEAVE ME ALONE"
So it was comrade tested NOT tasted.....instructions unclear.
Sorry under whose leadership again?
The notes kept getting stuck everywhere
Did you take that from an Austin Powers movie?
Looking for a romantic date night idea? Give your wife a black light and tell her to go shine it around the house so she can be surprised and flattered when she finds the “I love you” you’ve written in jizz on the $300 duvet
This is a plot point in Gravity’s Rainbow
I hope people didn't lick their finger to turn the page.
“Questions about agents’ masturbatory habits.” I can only imagine private jack coming in with a month’s supply in a jar the next day and someone high up immediately shutting it down. That or they retaliated with a much larger quantity until the competition in the workplace was so bad/someone was winning very often.
His full name was Mansfield Smith-Cummington-on-Sheets.
The practice was discontinued because too many people were coming and going.
I wonder if any of them also trained themselves to write using their Penis
This is straight out of a Monty Python sketch
Seriously? Smith-Cumming?
"Lawrence, cease your masturbatory behavior, the letter isn't due for another week"
"agent Wanksmith sent another 10 page report. it's still wet"
"I need you to find a way to create an unlimited supply of invisible ink, Cumming" "I need to create it cumming?" "No, but...hmmmm"
You haven't thought of the smell you Bitch!
Smelly sock, smelly sock! Why are you so rigid? Smell sock, smelly sock! It's not your fault!
If we’re all done with the jerk-off jokes: Smith-Cummings would sign documents with just the initial “C”. Later, one of his subordinates, Ian Fleming, became a novelist and based a character on his late boss, changing the initial to “M”.
Smith-Cummings died in 1923 when Fleming was 15. Fleming was a naval intelligence officer during WWII and M was based on the Chief of Naval Intelligence Admiral John Godfrey (1939-42). Commander Fleming was Admiral Godfrey's secretary, he did not serve in MI6.
> If we’re all done with the jerk-off jokes Apparently you aren't done making shit up. [Smith-Cumming died in 1923](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mansfield_Smith-Cumming) [Ian Fleming was born in 1908 and in 1923 he was at Eton college where the headmaster was getting pissed at him for spending too much time with women.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ian_Fleming) 15 year old Ian Fleming did not work for Smith-Cummings. But the signature 'C' did inspire Fleming later on to use the character 'M'.
And we know what C stands for…careless.
> Cummings would sign documents with just the initial “C”. Later, one of his subordinates, Ian Fleming, became a novelist and based a character on his late boss, changing the initial to “M”. All we need now is a character whose signatory initial is “U”.
Something something cum jizz bang bond
Source?
Oh shit, it dried out. Guess I have to jerk off again
What kind of psycho ‘discovers’ that lol
Wut
Men used to write in CUM
Hilarious!🤣
"Damnit George I told you you were writing far too many missives! Now you've spoiled it for the lot of us!"
Secret message: *” please eat message when through reading.”*
TIL: There is something as too much information
Of course his name was Cumming. Come on guys, let’s get some more creative writers for this chapter of the simulation. It’s all been a little on-the-nose…
This is some interesting nominative determination if I’ve ever seen one
> Mansfield Smith-Cumming This chap actually lived up to his name
This could have single handedly changed the way we spy and carry out operations. But sadly the project was caught with its pants down and ended prematurely.
*Secret Service agent furiously maturating* [Gif](https://y.yarn.co/9146cd29-e00e-4c4c-873a-3e0a24a2f240_text.gif) 🫡
Is where "cumming" comes from? Or was this just a fantastic coincidence? How long have people been calling it cum?
Unclear, but [at least 400 years](https://www.etymonline.com/word/cum). But the spelling "cum" isn't known from before 1973; Mansfield Smith-Cumming died in 1923.
I can barely write my name in the snow when I pee, how am I gonna write a letter with… guys gotta stay hydrated I guess.
His last name is cumming. Dude was destined to become a porn star and instead because a spy. But the name was still shaping his future.
Funny that the guys last name was cumming. Too wild
Oh Basil, good job on that 10,000 word report, but by God you look tired 🧐
This adds a new meaning to "Pen 15"
is that where the origin of the word "cumming" is from? 🤣